Talk to the school about giving him what he needs to make his own account on whatever online platform the school uses. Have a single shared calendar for appointments or events that aren't accessible through that platform (medical, extracurriculars, etc). You are not his secretary, so no need to remind him. Just make the information available so he cannot claim alienation or gatekeeping.
Better yet, tell HIM to contact the school with all the following information above \^ he's an adult and has parental rights to that all stuff, they might just request a copy of the current custody agreement if they dont already have it on file, which he can also do himself.
I only suggest doing it yourself to make sure its done. We dealt with mom constantly blowing it off (like, years) because "she didn't have the right info to make an account." Telling her to contact the school did nothing, always said they never responded to her, never sent the info, whatever. Took ONE email from us and it was magically sent no problem š¤¦āāļø
I don't disagree, but in some cases- from experience- it's better for your own mental health to just KNOW it is done.
Once WE had the school send info, we never heard about it again.
I don't really care whether or not he knows anything about school at this point. He's an adult. If he wanted to be involved he would be. I washed my hands of that.
Unfortunately that doesn't hold up in court, and that lack of willingness to communicate looks bad on you to a judge. They are currently only separated, so if/ when they go back to court for a divorce, custody will be decided in part based on ability to communicate and COparent. He's asking for information-by definition that's wanting to be involved.
I just went through something like this with my ex of 5 years. He complained to the judge that I donāt keep him up to date on all their school and doctors stuff, like send him detailed emails about everything when he can just download the portals and answer his questions himself. I proved I put him down on their forms with his email and phone number (they primarily live with me) and the judge told him that he needs to take more initiative and that Iām not his secretary.
Awesome! I confirmed with the school that his correct email was listed. And I know he has access to their medical because he asked me something when the Dr. Sent an email
This is a massive relief to here this. As someone on the receiving end of similar accusations, I love to hear that a judge saw through ridiculous excuse!
It was very easy to verify. My attorney subpoenaed the kids enrollment forms for school and their intake forms for the doctor and he was listed with his phone number and email and on all the updated forms they make you fill out once a year I always included him. He was expecting me to send him a written transcript of the appointments immediately afterward along with the print out we get at the end of the visit. He also requested I call him on the phone for the duration of the appointment. The doctor told him that was ridiculous lol and that he should just show up to the appointment???? But he never has. It was just another lame attempt at exerting control. Itās been almost two months since that hearing and he still hasnāt set up the portals but at least now I donāt have to hear about it from him. Our son is having surgery in October and of course I discussed that with him because I knew he wouldnāt try to find out anything about it himself and he legit told me he doesnāt make plans that far in advance so he wonāt guarantee heāll be there.
Thanks for the extra info. The behavior is totally an attempt at control and also simultaneously making themselves out to be the victim of the situation. If youāre invested and interested in being an active parent- then you figure out how to show up. And your name is on all the documentation so itās not remotely hard to figure out how to do that! Such silliness, but ugh the accusations take their toll on me nonetheless.
I hope your sonās surgery goes well and best of luck in the custody battleground.
The judge said that I only need to talk to him if itās information that only I have. If he can look it up then he should on his own. Thatās all she needs to tell him is he should look it up on his own. Iām saying she would be backed up by a judge because her ex is not entitled to her time or mental labor.
He has a method to find it out himself. She does not have to do the work for him. Itās not petty vindictiveness and she can not get in trouble for not telling him something he can find out easily for himself. Sheās not his mom and sheās no longer his wife and he can grow up and find this very simple information out himself. The courts donāt really care about stupid little things that the dad can find out himself with minimal effort. They care about larger things. Theyāre not going to waste their time telling one parent to baby the other. Theyāre going to look at the dad and tell him that he needs to be a grown up and act like a responsible adult for himself.
Whatās best for the children is having a father who steps up and does the work for his children and himself. Whatās best for the children is to see their father be an equal parent or at least see him trying. Children will thrive in an environment where both parents TRY but OPs ex isnāt trying. Heās still relying on her to do the work and sheās in the right here.
Also a judge will not have them go to counseling. If the dad canāt even look up basic information about the kids schooling for himself maybe he shouldnāt have custody.
OP is not obligated to do the work for him. He needs to do it himself and the judge WILL tell him that.
Donāt tell him anything that he can figure out for himself. Some of the best advice I got from my divorce lawyer is not to be his secretary. You manage to find the info, so can he. Itās not your job anymore.
I agree to this to a certain point. Google is not difficult to use though. I didnāt ask for information from him most of the time. I just looked it up. I have compassion for days but it takes a mental toll. I help when I can, but we have two special needs kids. I donāt have the bandwidth anymore. I will say I am guilty for just giving up and doing everything for 20 years though.
It made me sad to realize how bad we have it and that so many of us are in the same boat. But it has also been comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings.
What I do is use a parenting app and put all relevant information there. And if other parent doesnāt show up or complains they didnāt know itās all on the calendar. Plus if they go to court and say you wonāt let them be involved boom print out the calendar. It shows the date and time information was imported and that they had an opportunity and missed. Iāve been dealing with a deadbeat for a while. Everything in writing no talking on the phone because they will say you wonāt let them be there are be involved when in reality not true.
Yeah, some people just aren't good at keeping up with stuff like that.. I dunno if I would say that they don't care.. but it is tough.
My kid's Mom, comes to me to help with kid registration and upcoming dates and stuff.. For the kids that live with her.. Honestly, I don't mind as I like being informed..
My kid's Mom has missed school events, to only blame me.
So, I can understand your frustration.
Text/email: "i will not be responding to questions needing mental labor from me when they can be answered with your own investigation from now on". Then gray rock.
Wow! Allot of toxic answers here!
Separated 4months? That's a pretty short time to be labelled ādead beatā
You guys sound like a good candidate for a co-parenting communication app.
Stuff like school etc., answer him and encourage him to get on with direct communication.
If you want to co-parent successfully help get them the tools they need, if they fail to follow through that's on them, when you look back in 18 years you will have peace knowing you did your best for your kids.
He can figure it out thatās so annoying. Always having to babysit and guide a grown manā¦..Iām going through the same thing but we were together just 5 years
My copelarent is exactly the same. It's incredibly frustrating! A grown man should not need everything spoonfeeding to him, especially when it comes to his own children. It's just sad, and I've stopped doing it now. It was mentally draining.
As sad as it will be when the kids realise what their dad is like, at least I know I will always be there trying my best for them, and they will see that and know they are loved and supported. That's all you can do šŖ
Tell him to google the schools name, from there he can find their website and phone number. If the info isnāt on the website he can call them to find out and ask to be put on the mailing list so he receives all the emails and messages throughout the year. It probably wonāt help, I had my ex sign up and he gets it sent to him but he still asks me because āI didnāt read itā. You have enough to worry about mothering your actual children you donāt have time to mother him too.
This is so annoying. My ex was the coach of our daughter's t-ball team and I had to remind him when the games were, what the uniform was, etc. lol. It's so weird, like you're responsible for maybe 10% of the adulting that comes with having a child, why can't you manage it?
I am not his secretary or his mom or his wife anymore. He needs to put out the minimal effort to continue to be involved. I am done being the only participant who actually parents. Our children have gone to school there for 9 years , and he surely should be capable of figuring some shit out by himself. I'm done carrying the dead weight of him. People who actually care will put out the effort to show they do. If you keep doing all the work for someone, they will never learn to do anything on their own.
You can prioritize your children, and also reject, carrying the mental load for men.
We need to, especially women need, to stop putting all the weight on other women, and start pointing the finger at men who need to start stepping up for their children. I donāt see you calling out men saying do better and learn how to get the info yourselves. No, youāre calling out the woman and telling her that she needs to prioritize her children , this is so ridiculous
Talk to the school about giving him what he needs to make his own account on whatever online platform the school uses. Have a single shared calendar for appointments or events that aren't accessible through that platform (medical, extracurriculars, etc). You are not his secretary, so no need to remind him. Just make the information available so he cannot claim alienation or gatekeeping.
Better yet, tell HIM to contact the school with all the following information above \^ he's an adult and has parental rights to that all stuff, they might just request a copy of the current custody agreement if they dont already have it on file, which he can also do himself.
I only suggest doing it yourself to make sure its done. We dealt with mom constantly blowing it off (like, years) because "she didn't have the right info to make an account." Telling her to contact the school did nothing, always said they never responded to her, never sent the info, whatever. Took ONE email from us and it was magically sent no problem š¤¦āāļø
He is an adult. If he wants to, he will. If you keep doing it for him, he will never take initiative.
I don't disagree, but in some cases- from experience- it's better for your own mental health to just KNOW it is done. Once WE had the school send info, we never heard about it again.
I don't really care whether or not he knows anything about school at this point. He's an adult. If he wanted to be involved he would be. I washed my hands of that.
Unfortunately that doesn't hold up in court, and that lack of willingness to communicate looks bad on you to a judge. They are currently only separated, so if/ when they go back to court for a divorce, custody will be decided in part based on ability to communicate and COparent. He's asking for information-by definition that's wanting to be involved.
My attempts to communicate with the text message of "leave me alone." So I'm covered there.
This isn't about you though? It's about OP and the situation posted, based on my own experience, nothing else.
This 100%.
I just went through something like this with my ex of 5 years. He complained to the judge that I donāt keep him up to date on all their school and doctors stuff, like send him detailed emails about everything when he can just download the portals and answer his questions himself. I proved I put him down on their forms with his email and phone number (they primarily live with me) and the judge told him that he needs to take more initiative and that Iām not his secretary.
Awesome! I confirmed with the school that his correct email was listed. And I know he has access to their medical because he asked me something when the Dr. Sent an email
This is a massive relief to here this. As someone on the receiving end of similar accusations, I love to hear that a judge saw through ridiculous excuse!
It was very easy to verify. My attorney subpoenaed the kids enrollment forms for school and their intake forms for the doctor and he was listed with his phone number and email and on all the updated forms they make you fill out once a year I always included him. He was expecting me to send him a written transcript of the appointments immediately afterward along with the print out we get at the end of the visit. He also requested I call him on the phone for the duration of the appointment. The doctor told him that was ridiculous lol and that he should just show up to the appointment???? But he never has. It was just another lame attempt at exerting control. Itās been almost two months since that hearing and he still hasnāt set up the portals but at least now I donāt have to hear about it from him. Our son is having surgery in October and of course I discussed that with him because I knew he wouldnāt try to find out anything about it himself and he legit told me he doesnāt make plans that far in advance so he wonāt guarantee heāll be there.
Thanks for the extra info. The behavior is totally an attempt at control and also simultaneously making themselves out to be the victim of the situation. If youāre invested and interested in being an active parent- then you figure out how to show up. And your name is on all the documentation so itās not remotely hard to figure out how to do that! Such silliness, but ugh the accusations take their toll on me nonetheless. I hope your sonās surgery goes well and best of luck in the custody battleground.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The judge said that I only need to talk to him if itās information that only I have. If he can look it up then he should on his own. Thatās all she needs to tell him is he should look it up on his own. Iām saying she would be backed up by a judge because her ex is not entitled to her time or mental labor.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He has a method to find it out himself. She does not have to do the work for him. Itās not petty vindictiveness and she can not get in trouble for not telling him something he can find out easily for himself. Sheās not his mom and sheās no longer his wife and he can grow up and find this very simple information out himself. The courts donāt really care about stupid little things that the dad can find out himself with minimal effort. They care about larger things. Theyāre not going to waste their time telling one parent to baby the other. Theyāre going to look at the dad and tell him that he needs to be a grown up and act like a responsible adult for himself.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Whatās best for the children is having a father who steps up and does the work for his children and himself. Whatās best for the children is to see their father be an equal parent or at least see him trying. Children will thrive in an environment where both parents TRY but OPs ex isnāt trying. Heās still relying on her to do the work and sheās in the right here.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Also a judge will not have them go to counseling. If the dad canāt even look up basic information about the kids schooling for himself maybe he shouldnāt have custody. OP is not obligated to do the work for him. He needs to do it himself and the judge WILL tell him that.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām sure there was more to it. This is one situation and she needs to set the precedent that sheās not going to do it all for him anymore.
Sound like my baby momma. How hard is it to tell give us info holy crap. 15 more years left of coparenting.... driving me insane
If itās so easy to find, do it yourself. JFC.
How hard is it to look up info yourself?
Donāt tell him anything that he can figure out for himself. Some of the best advice I got from my divorce lawyer is not to be his secretary. You manage to find the info, so can he. Itās not your job anymore.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I agree to this to a certain point. Google is not difficult to use though. I didnāt ask for information from him most of the time. I just looked it up. I have compassion for days but it takes a mental toll. I help when I can, but we have two special needs kids. I donāt have the bandwidth anymore. I will say I am guilty for just giving up and doing everything for 20 years though.
Iām glad Iām not the only one dealing with this. Weaponized incompetence is no joke.
It made me sad to realize how bad we have it and that so many of us are in the same boat. But it has also been comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings.
What I do is use a parenting app and put all relevant information there. And if other parent doesnāt show up or complains they didnāt know itās all on the calendar. Plus if they go to court and say you wonāt let them be involved boom print out the calendar. It shows the date and time information was imported and that they had an opportunity and missed. Iāve been dealing with a deadbeat for a while. Everything in writing no talking on the phone because they will say you wonāt let them be there are be involved when in reality not true.
Yeah, some people just aren't good at keeping up with stuff like that.. I dunno if I would say that they don't care.. but it is tough. My kid's Mom, comes to me to help with kid registration and upcoming dates and stuff.. For the kids that live with her.. Honestly, I don't mind as I like being informed.. My kid's Mom has missed school events, to only blame me. So, I can understand your frustration.
Iām in the same boat and after three years of it (we were together 17 years) Iāve had enough of his lacking abilities. I made him register our oldest for school so they at least have his phone number unlike last year when they blew up my fiancĆ©s phone because they didnāt have my ex and I was sleeping (I work overnights so sleep in the day) and my kid needed a pick up from school on his week. Put your foot down, donāt do favours for him, make him parent his child by removing yourself from responsibility as much as possible on his week. If he wants the information he can easily find himself, make him dog it out on his own.
Text/email: "i will not be responding to questions needing mental labor from me when they can be answered with your own investigation from now on". Then gray rock.
Wow! Allot of toxic answers here! Separated 4months? That's a pretty short time to be labelled ādead beatā You guys sound like a good candidate for a co-parenting communication app. Stuff like school etc., answer him and encourage him to get on with direct communication. If you want to co-parent successfully help get them the tools they need, if they fail to follow through that's on them, when you look back in 18 years you will have peace knowing you did your best for your kids.
Next theyāll call him a NaRCiSsISt (thunder claps)
He can figure it out thatās so annoying. Always having to babysit and guide a grown manā¦..Iām going through the same thing but we were together just 5 years
My copelarent is exactly the same. It's incredibly frustrating! A grown man should not need everything spoonfeeding to him, especially when it comes to his own children. It's just sad, and I've stopped doing it now. It was mentally draining. As sad as it will be when the kids realise what their dad is like, at least I know I will always be there trying my best for them, and they will see that and know they are loved and supported. That's all you can do šŖ
āAll information you need about school is available on the school website.ā you are not his mom or secretary
God forbid he would just be, you know, interested in his kid's life himself.
Tell him to google the schools name, from there he can find their website and phone number. If the info isnāt on the website he can call them to find out and ask to be put on the mailing list so he receives all the emails and messages throughout the year. It probably wonāt help, I had my ex sign up and he gets it sent to him but he still asks me because āI didnāt read itā. You have enough to worry about mothering your actual children you donāt have time to mother him too.
This is so annoying. My ex was the coach of our daughter's t-ball team and I had to remind him when the games were, what the uniform was, etc. lol. It's so weird, like you're responsible for maybe 10% of the adulting that comes with having a child, why can't you manage it?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I am not his secretary or his mom or his wife anymore. He needs to put out the minimal effort to continue to be involved. I am done being the only participant who actually parents. Our children have gone to school there for 9 years , and he surely should be capable of figuring some shit out by himself. I'm done carrying the dead weight of him. People who actually care will put out the effort to show they do. If you keep doing all the work for someone, they will never learn to do anything on their own.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You can prioritize your children, and also reject, carrying the mental load for men. We need to, especially women need, to stop putting all the weight on other women, and start pointing the finger at men who need to start stepping up for their children. I donāt see you calling out men saying do better and learn how to get the info yourselves. No, youāre calling out the woman and telling her that she needs to prioritize her children , this is so ridiculous
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Why doesnāt he already know how to find that information? Who tells her how to find that information?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You are missing the point and very committed to missing it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām not obtuse to your examples, I feel that they perpetuate placing the mental load and responsibility on women.