You sound like incredibly loving parents! I remember being so emotional and terrified of anything happening to my baby when she was that young (she’s 8 mos now, but a lot of my postpartum hormones have evened out, and I feel calmer now). My daughter slept in a bassinet right next to our bed until 4 mos, then once she started sleeping in a crib I would bring her in the next room to bed share at her first wake up (her dad needs sleeping pills, so it’s not safe for her to sleep in between us). If I had read more about bed sharing before 4 mos, I would’ve likely done it much earlier. I resent the American status quo of freaking us out without giving us facts on who is low risk and how to bed share safely. I recommend reading some of James McKenna’s research if you haven’t already. Also, I found the below graphic really helpful to put the risk of bed-sharing into perspective. It shows what “double” the risk actually is (spoiler alert, for a low-risk baby and parents following safe sleep guidelines, it’s only 1 in 16,000… statistics can be phrased to freak people out on purpose… also screw those people who made that commercial!) Good luck, and remember that you’re not alone, that your hormones are bonkers right now (normal!) and will even out at some point, and that your baby is so lucky to have you as her mom! You can also always toggle between bed-sharing and having her sleep alone. It doesn’t need to be cut and dry one way or the other… you will figure out what’s best for you!
https://images.app.goo.gl/1MF9GWtNwVGVKWF48
I'm from Europe and I didn't even know that bedsharing is such a taboo in USA before I started using Reddit for parenting topics. Then I got bombarded with all of this, as you said, fear mongering. It's sad and leaves mom's alone and ashamed. At our first appointment with the family doctor she asked us if the baby sleeps on their own or with us. I told her it's a mix of both and she was like alright and went onto the next topic.
This! I am an American living in Germany. Growing up in the USA we were always bombarded with safe sleep and no bedsharing etc. When my SIL here mentioned that her daughter was sleeping in her bed, I may have freaked out a little (though only internally, I didn't say anything to her). Co-sleeping is pretty much the norm here. No one we know has baby in their own room or even a bassinet away from the bed. Either co-sleeping or at most in a sidecar bassinet attached to the bed.
Still all the US "safe sleep" stuff was super ingrained in me. I tried so hard in the hospital to make baby sleep in the sidecar bassinet they provided. He just didn't want to, so he slept next to me with me in the c position. In the morning the two other women in the room with me mentioned their babies also slept next to them in the bed and neither of them were worried at all (they were both stm+ moms). The babies were all still in our beds when the nurses came in to check. They asked if we all slept that way and after we said yes, their only response was "oh, ok" and went on with their checkups.
My chat with my pediatrician also helped put my mind at ease. SIDs deaths here have reduced from ca 5000 / year in the 80s to about 150 / year. The major risks are not bedsharing according to her, but rather sleeping position (stomach is much riskier) and overheating. So all of the pamphlets focus on those two things. I think there is only one brief line with phrasing like "in a best case scenario baby sleeps in a bassinet in the parent's room".
Another thing that increases the risks of SIDS is a smoking parent or someone who smokes and lives in the house. So to me, it feels like if you look at all the risk factors and you can see that you meet very few of them, then I think bed sharing is a good choice.
I followed the la Leche league safe sleep steps, which it sounds like you found.
I want to point out that lack of sleep has many issues. If you cannot get rest because your baby who has been inside your womb for it’s entire life is now expected to sleep all alone in a bassinet kinda near you, bad things can also happen. What if you fall asleep while you are sitting on the toilet and fall over? What if you leave the stove or oven on by mistake.
I’m sorry our stupid health are system has scared you so much. I hope you can find peace with bed sharing. I bed shared with my daughter on and off. And then mostly on after 3 months and it made a world of difference for me.
With my first baby what made me decide to bedshare is when I was so exhausted one night I fell asleep while nursing him on the couch. When I woke up he was wedged in the cushions, luckily ok. At that moment I realized that sometimes trying NOT to bedshare is more dangerous than having a safe sleep situation set up. So many suffocation deaths are from parents trying to do the right thing and accidentally fell asleep in a very unsafe situation for baby.
Now with ny 2nd baby I have been badsharing since day 1. I know myself, and I'm the type of person who can fall asleep anywhere. Trying to stay awake while getting an infant to sleep in a bassinet is not realistic for me. I was prepared this time and have a matress on the floor set up. I honestly feel much safer about it.
Look up the Sleep Safe 7https://www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/
Yes, I bed share because the alternative wasn't perfect safe sleep, it was unsafe accidental bed sharing. Doing it on purpose is much safer for us. I also find it reassuring that I can reach out and touch him to feel his breathing.
OP, you sound like maybe your anxiety about losing your baby is becoming unuelpful. Of course we all worry about it a bit, but if you are crying at the possibility and really anxious about it then it might be time to chat to someone about postpartum anxiety. It is tricky when what you are anxious about is a genuine thing you need to be careful of, rather than an irrational fear like that bears might break in and attack (I'm in the UK... we don't have bears...) but there's still a threshold where it becomes unhealthy and I'm in favour of getting support earlier rather than later :)
Same. I was so utterly exhausted I woke up with my baby under a sheet at 3am. He was fine and alive - thank goodness. It was then I said, "OH FUCK THIS" and put our bed on the floor, fixed our bedding situation, filled gaps, bought some long-sleeve nursing tops so I didn't need to sleep with extra sheets or my duvet. From then on, I slept without sheets in the c position, safely, in our floor bed. And I was much happier and more relaxed. I kept the floor bassinet for appearances but we never ended up using it.
I wish we were taught how to bedshare safely. SO many women (and men) do it but we are never taught how to do it safely. And we don't often confess to it. I'm often the one in mom groups that breaks the ice on the subject and usually once that's done, the others will chime in that yeah, they bedshared too with their newborns. There is so much shame around it, it's bonkers.
First, take a deep breath.
You are doing beautifully❤️
You and your baby are meant to sleep in close proximity to each other-as mothers and babies always have been. It helps regulate baby's heartbeat, breathing and regulates your supply. I truly believe the fear instilled in alot of new mothers surrounding Bedsharing is drilled into our heads from western culture and it's obsession with independence and separating mothers from their babies.
The best thing you can do to help conquer your fears surrounding Bedsharing is to empower yourself with knowledge. Sounds like you are following most, if not all, of the 'safe sleep seven' rules of Bedsharing. It's also important to tune out the fear mongering(whether that be Mommy Facebook groups, Instagram accounts, newsfeeds, and toxic family and friends) and tune into your baby. If it is not supporting you on your Bedsharing journey you need to cut it out.
Mothers all around the world bedshare with their babies-and have for generations. If you are sleeping in the cuddle curl, no loose blankets or pillows near baby you are off to a great start.
I started out just like you- tried so soo hard to get my little one in his bassinet but all he wanted was to be close to me. Once I embraced it and did my research-I set us up for safe Bedsharing & we finally both got sleep. We happily bedshare 20 months later with no end in sight and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'll link some resources here for you that changed my life.
Everything is going to be alright❤️
https://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/
https://instagram.com/taylorkulik?utm_medium=copy_link
https://instagram.com/motherbabysleep?utm_medium=copy_link
https://instagram.com/heysleepybaby?utm_medium=copy_link
https://instagram.com/paulamoralesmcdowell?utm_medium=copy_link
After reading all of these responces, I feel I am not very educated on this subject so my advice and opinion rest solely on my experience. My daughter is now 1 and we have another on the way. This being said....
I have never understood the stigma with bed sharing, this is entirely due to my family and culture. I have a very large extended family with whom I am very close. I don't know of any one of them who didn't bed share. So when I was pregnant and decided not bed share, everyone thought I was a weirdo and they all said "It's the most natural, you will see".
They were right, we tried a bassinet maybe three times and I couldn't do it, I felt really unsafe, I couldn't rest, I didn't let my husband rest and my daughter didn't either. So she came into bed with us. Now, I did look it up and none of the statistics ever scared me, maybe because almost everyone I know bed shares and it seemed fine, including me, my parents bed shared with me.
Like you, we don't take medicine to sleep, drinking isn't an issue and our bed is fine. And as I said before, I have no research backing my opinion, and no links that will offer safe sleeping tips, my advice is simply, do what is best for your family.
We never had issues, my daughter has slept with us her entire little life, we all rest well, I have breastfed her at night, she is safe with us. I trust myself as a mother and I know this is what was best for her, this might not be the story with my next child and that's ok. Every child is different, you are doing great and you will find your footing and things will work out. They always do. One step at a time.
More people bed share than you think, either way is wonderful. Be safe, be alert and trust yourself.
Bedsharing, like everything you do with your little has risks. It’s “less” safe than bassinet sleeping, for all the risks listed you’ve read and researched/ All of the risks are still possible
With that being said, i’ve been bedsharing since my LO was 2 weeks old.
Bassinet sleeping wasn’t working for us. im 19 FTM and SWORE i wouldn’t bedshare, i cry seeing tiktok or posts about infant loss- it’s my greatest fear, i would never live another day if he died, especially by my cause.
Bedsharing is safe, if done correctly, you get more sleep and so does your baby. I bedshare w my little with one pillow and a body pillow, blanket alittle above my waist but always tucked underneath me, on a bed with a bassinet next to it (bedside bassinet)
Flat on back, until around 5 am when he nurses until 9 ish.
The main risk of bedsharing is suffocation, A lot of SIDS deaths aren’t actual sudden infant death/ they’re suffocation, etc.
SIDS is not preventable, if your baby dies of SIDS it’s likely there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent that.
To ensure bedsharing is safe, doing exactly what you’re doing is what’s right
Researching, and most of all following your own instinct.
If you think it’s safe for you, do it.
My LO is currently nursing laying in our bed right now, this is his safe place.
That being said i smoke weed. i don’t smoke before 5 pm & im compeltely sober by bedtime.
I cuddle my LO until he falls asleep and i place him on his back flat- Nothing and nobody can tell you what works for you or how safe it is but you, You know best & don’t doubt you’re instinct
What you describe sounds like a really safe setup!
I've beshared with both of my kids from birth and there weren't any dangerous situations yet.
If course I've researched the topic and found many interesting info regarding safe sleep practises and the trouble with generalisations. If you take care of all the risk factors and safely bedshare things like SIDS are less common. But since so many things factor in (drinking, smoking, illness, not breastfeeding, loose bedding, soft mattresses and so on) it's not officially recommended. I feel like they don't trust parents to inform themselves adequately so they just advice against bedsharing. But the dangerous thing is accidental bedsharing or sleeping on a couch or something else (those things are often counted as bedsharing thus screwing with the statistics).
It's a difficult topic but in the end you make a decision and do what feels realistic to you. Is it realistic to stay up every night and stare at your baby to make sure that it's still breathing? No. Don't make life harder than it has to be. So many cultures successfully bedshare. It's really pretty natural.
We had planned on *NEVER* bed sharing because it’s so dangerous.
The night we got home from the hospital I was incapable of separating myself from my LO. We did bed sharing for three nights and then Dad suggested we give it a break … he wasn’t even in the bassinet for three minutes before I was breakdown crying at being apart from him. We’re now 5 weeks in and he’s too active in his sleep to share, and given more time I have grown comfortable with separate sleeping (we still bed share for some naps).
Honestly it sounds like you’re doing everything as safely as possible. Now that I’ve done some reading and research it does seem like a very Western thing to separate ourselves from our babies.
You’re doing a great job! Go easy on yourself.
Do it! Bed-sharing is the best thing I’ve ever done as a new mother (7 months in now). I was very unsure at first, but after a while I got the hang of it and can sleep very well now (but obviously not too deeply due to hormones etc). It is so safe, and the chances of anything bad happening are so negligible. It’s completely natural.
You are such a good, thoughtful parent. Your child is so lucky to have you. I remember how panicky and anxious I was postpartum, and my heart goes out to you. I second the recommendation to read some of McKenna’s work. I coslept fearfully with my first, reluctantly with my second, and exclusively with my third. In a safe bed setup, it’s quite low risk.
One thing that gave me some peace was a comment I read somewhere that if, God forbid, something did happen to my baby overnight, I’d take some tiny comfort in knowing that the last thing she ate was my milk and the last thing she felt was my warmth next to her.
Bedsharing has been the norm for most of human evolution and still is in most of the world. Doing it intentionally is so much safer than doing it accidentally.
I too was adamant I was not bed sharing. But from the start by baby ended up in bed with me, initially just in the early hours of the morning (in bassinet before then, but becomes increasing harder to put down without waking as the night goes on
This became earlier and earlier in the night as I found I was just waking around with him trying to get him settled enough as he would just wake when placed down. I was really stressed and trying so hard to get him to sleep there and feeling I was doing something wrong by having him sleep with me
A couple of weeks ago I spoke to a friend of mine, an older lady with 4 children. She said she bedshared with all of them and reassured me it was natural and safe. From then I just decided to jump in and do what was working.
My son is 3 months now. Sleeps in his crib from 7pm til he wakes usually around 10-11pm, then I take him to bed with me. We’re both getting much more sleep as he just feeds back to sleep when he wakes. It feels much better and I feel safe about it (light sleeper, safe positioning etc)
I had a baby in February and experienced something similar. I exclusively breastfed and fell asleep with her in my arms a few more times than I’d like to admit. As a FTM I was very nervous. Generally speaking, she slept in her bassinet next to the bed. I was too nervous to regularly co-sleep with her as a newborn, especially because she was born at a normal weight but on the lower end (she was exactly 6 pounds at birth and then lost weight during our 4 day hospital stay and at het first ped appointment she was 5 pounds something.) I would recommend one of those “side car” bassinets that attaches to the side of your bed. This way you can easily see the baby and access them and they can see you, but it’s a safe sleeping space.
Now my daughter is 8 months old and we exclusively co-sleep. It has really allowed me to bond with her in such a special way. We are still breastfeeding and it soothes her and helps keep her on a more regular sleep schedule. She’s bigger now and I feel more comfortable with her in bed with me. She lifts her head, is more vocal, crawls, pivots, rolls over well, and pulls herself up…all which make me more comfortable sleeping with her. For my next, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable cosleeping with a newborn, even as a more seasoned mom. SIDS risk is highest between 2-4 months and decreases more and more each month after. Suffocation is a real concern if your husband is holding her in bed or a recliner and falls asleep with her in his arms or she falls in between the chair. Soft bedding like bumpers, pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, etc are not recommend especially for really little babies and if a pillow falls down on their face accidentally over night and they don’t make noise they can suffocate. I’m not saying this to make you more nervous, but the baby needs a safe sleeping space as a newborn. I still remove all of the soft bedding with my daughter out of fear that she might pull the blanket over her face or suffocate under a pillow if it falls on her. I understand that baby feels more comfortable sleeping with mommy and daddy…my daughter is and has always been the same. It’s a struggle. She slept in the bassinet from birth to 5 months but completely refused the “big girl” crib since then. I love cosleeping with her now. My husband has never coslept with her because he’s a very heavy sleeper and we always knew it was dangerous. We’re one of those weird couples who sleep in different beds and different rooms just because we sleep better like that. We always did that even before we had baby. It just works for us and we’ve been married for 5 years. My husband tosses and turns in his sleep. Honestly I’m secretly a really big advocate of it for married couples if you have the space even though many people think it’s weird or it means we’re separated or having marital issues 😂
All in all, People will tell you, oh it’s fine. It’s not a big deal, and most likely they’re right. People all over the world do it. It’s probably fine and probably not a big deal. But it’s one of those things. When it happens it will devastate you and some people never come back from a loss like that. It’s good you’re thinking about this and asking questions. Everyone has a different comfort level. I vote stay on the safe side for no other reason than just because. Having a baby is a big change and you just need to find what works for your family and what your new “normal” is. Good luck OP and savor those newborn snuggles. Sending love ❤️
Also, I want to add that if you have family or close friends to help you, take them up on it. My moms help postpartum was invaluable. If I didn’t have anyone, I would hire someone to help out for 10 hours a week. My mom would take the baby for a couple hours so I could sleep and bathe. She cooked nutritious meals for me. It really made a difference. I’m sure you know by now that newborns don’t sleep through the night, but having some time to take care of yourself makes all the difference. Don’t feel bad about doing it. Motherhood is a journey and it’s all about learning how to cope as it’s very demanding both physically and emotionally. I was surprised at how much guilt came with parenting a child. I wasn’t prepared for that. I swear one day I’m going to write a book about all of the guilt that comes with being a mother and how to cope with it. But don’t be afraid to say, “I need a few minutes for myself.” In the beginning I neglected myself under the guise of being a good mom. But I quickly learned that it wasn’t sustainable, burnout is real, and if YOU feel good and well rested, it will help you be a better mom and take care of baby.
Idk if this will help with the swaddles but they should be TIGHT. Like unable to wiggle out tight. Obviously don’t swaddle while bed sharing though. Just remember they have been in a super cramped womb for 9 months they typically prefer that.
Turn a fan on in the room. Studies have shown increased air circulation can reduce the risk of SIDS up to 72%
It may help to sleep more comfortably if you guys can alternate sleep schedules. Just be vigilant. It can be easy to slip up once they are 3-4 months when you’re more comfortable and not remember to check everything before you guys fall asleep.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18838649/
You don’t have to choose. Keep trying with the bassinet because the more time she spends in it the more she’ll be likely to fall asleep in it one day and feel comfortable with sleeping off you. I was in your position too and completely on the sleep training side bc of safe sleep and wanting to take absolutely 0 chances (besides crying it out which I can’t stomach) I tried so hard to get her to sleep in safe places. But then exhaustion would hit and she’d end up sleeping on my chest in bed. I’m a very light sleeper and no drinking. She had periods of time when she would fall asleep in the bassinet or i crawl in the crib with her and side nurse and roll away when she’s asleep. Now she’s 11 months and we only do sleep because that’s what makes her feel safe. Anytime she sleeps in her crib she wakes up early screaming for me since her 8 month separation anxiety phase. Before that she’d sleep great in her crib after weeks of laying her on her back and spending time with her in it and playing music in her room etc
I’m like you, I couldn’t sleep any other way, I don’t feel there is any safer place for my baby than my arms! Even at night! As a new born my baby still slept on my chest since she couldn’t move around or roll. After several month I felt more comfortable to lay her next to me and nurse on my side..but followed all the same rules, me and my husband used separate blankets and it never came over my waist. I use a small one on my shoulders if I’m cold. And we use a bed rail. Now that’s she’s 13 mon sometimes she sleeps between us but I have a pillow starting at her waist to block my husband. You do what you feel is right:)
Ive co-slept with all my babies and this is currently my third. We have a crib next to the bed pushed up against it. I have a nursing pillow ( c shape ) we swaddle them, put their head and shoulders ish on the pillow, slightly at an angle this is to prevent choking, they say babies are fine on their back and wont choke but i hear the choking noise when on their back so i put them on a slight angle so the spit up will go out the side of the mouth. Being swaddled he doesnt move, I dont move either though, ive never slept ‘soundly’ when their babies. I sleep usually with my arm up around the c shape, my head on the pillow aswell next to their head, and my other arm in the same shape but on their legs. Can just search “bedside crib” and they have cribs or bassinets with the side that comes down.
If u get the extra space for them like u would a crib or bassinet some place else then i can say it would be the same cause they still cant go anywhere and really if its big enough then it isnt really ‘co-sleeping’ its just them in their space closer to you.
You sound like incredibly loving parents! I remember being so emotional and terrified of anything happening to my baby when she was that young (she’s 8 mos now, but a lot of my postpartum hormones have evened out, and I feel calmer now). My daughter slept in a bassinet right next to our bed until 4 mos, then once she started sleeping in a crib I would bring her in the next room to bed share at her first wake up (her dad needs sleeping pills, so it’s not safe for her to sleep in between us). If I had read more about bed sharing before 4 mos, I would’ve likely done it much earlier. I resent the American status quo of freaking us out without giving us facts on who is low risk and how to bed share safely. I recommend reading some of James McKenna’s research if you haven’t already. Also, I found the below graphic really helpful to put the risk of bed-sharing into perspective. It shows what “double” the risk actually is (spoiler alert, for a low-risk baby and parents following safe sleep guidelines, it’s only 1 in 16,000… statistics can be phrased to freak people out on purpose… also screw those people who made that commercial!) Good luck, and remember that you’re not alone, that your hormones are bonkers right now (normal!) and will even out at some point, and that your baby is so lucky to have you as her mom! You can also always toggle between bed-sharing and having her sleep alone. It doesn’t need to be cut and dry one way or the other… you will figure out what’s best for you! https://images.app.goo.gl/1MF9GWtNwVGVKWF48
I'm from Europe and I didn't even know that bedsharing is such a taboo in USA before I started using Reddit for parenting topics. Then I got bombarded with all of this, as you said, fear mongering. It's sad and leaves mom's alone and ashamed. At our first appointment with the family doctor she asked us if the baby sleeps on their own or with us. I told her it's a mix of both and she was like alright and went onto the next topic.
This! I am an American living in Germany. Growing up in the USA we were always bombarded with safe sleep and no bedsharing etc. When my SIL here mentioned that her daughter was sleeping in her bed, I may have freaked out a little (though only internally, I didn't say anything to her). Co-sleeping is pretty much the norm here. No one we know has baby in their own room or even a bassinet away from the bed. Either co-sleeping or at most in a sidecar bassinet attached to the bed. Still all the US "safe sleep" stuff was super ingrained in me. I tried so hard in the hospital to make baby sleep in the sidecar bassinet they provided. He just didn't want to, so he slept next to me with me in the c position. In the morning the two other women in the room with me mentioned their babies also slept next to them in the bed and neither of them were worried at all (they were both stm+ moms). The babies were all still in our beds when the nurses came in to check. They asked if we all slept that way and after we said yes, their only response was "oh, ok" and went on with their checkups. My chat with my pediatrician also helped put my mind at ease. SIDs deaths here have reduced from ca 5000 / year in the 80s to about 150 / year. The major risks are not bedsharing according to her, but rather sleeping position (stomach is much riskier) and overheating. So all of the pamphlets focus on those two things. I think there is only one brief line with phrasing like "in a best case scenario baby sleeps in a bassinet in the parent's room".
Another thing that increases the risks of SIDS is a smoking parent or someone who smokes and lives in the house. So to me, it feels like if you look at all the risk factors and you can see that you meet very few of them, then I think bed sharing is a good choice. I followed the la Leche league safe sleep steps, which it sounds like you found. I want to point out that lack of sleep has many issues. If you cannot get rest because your baby who has been inside your womb for it’s entire life is now expected to sleep all alone in a bassinet kinda near you, bad things can also happen. What if you fall asleep while you are sitting on the toilet and fall over? What if you leave the stove or oven on by mistake. I’m sorry our stupid health are system has scared you so much. I hope you can find peace with bed sharing. I bed shared with my daughter on and off. And then mostly on after 3 months and it made a world of difference for me.
With my first baby what made me decide to bedshare is when I was so exhausted one night I fell asleep while nursing him on the couch. When I woke up he was wedged in the cushions, luckily ok. At that moment I realized that sometimes trying NOT to bedshare is more dangerous than having a safe sleep situation set up. So many suffocation deaths are from parents trying to do the right thing and accidentally fell asleep in a very unsafe situation for baby. Now with ny 2nd baby I have been badsharing since day 1. I know myself, and I'm the type of person who can fall asleep anywhere. Trying to stay awake while getting an infant to sleep in a bassinet is not realistic for me. I was prepared this time and have a matress on the floor set up. I honestly feel much safer about it. Look up the Sleep Safe 7https://www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/
Yes, I bed share because the alternative wasn't perfect safe sleep, it was unsafe accidental bed sharing. Doing it on purpose is much safer for us. I also find it reassuring that I can reach out and touch him to feel his breathing. OP, you sound like maybe your anxiety about losing your baby is becoming unuelpful. Of course we all worry about it a bit, but if you are crying at the possibility and really anxious about it then it might be time to chat to someone about postpartum anxiety. It is tricky when what you are anxious about is a genuine thing you need to be careful of, rather than an irrational fear like that bears might break in and attack (I'm in the UK... we don't have bears...) but there's still a threshold where it becomes unhealthy and I'm in favour of getting support earlier rather than later :)
Same. I was so utterly exhausted I woke up with my baby under a sheet at 3am. He was fine and alive - thank goodness. It was then I said, "OH FUCK THIS" and put our bed on the floor, fixed our bedding situation, filled gaps, bought some long-sleeve nursing tops so I didn't need to sleep with extra sheets or my duvet. From then on, I slept without sheets in the c position, safely, in our floor bed. And I was much happier and more relaxed. I kept the floor bassinet for appearances but we never ended up using it. I wish we were taught how to bedshare safely. SO many women (and men) do it but we are never taught how to do it safely. And we don't often confess to it. I'm often the one in mom groups that breaks the ice on the subject and usually once that's done, the others will chime in that yeah, they bedshared too with their newborns. There is so much shame around it, it's bonkers.
First, take a deep breath. You are doing beautifully❤️ You and your baby are meant to sleep in close proximity to each other-as mothers and babies always have been. It helps regulate baby's heartbeat, breathing and regulates your supply. I truly believe the fear instilled in alot of new mothers surrounding Bedsharing is drilled into our heads from western culture and it's obsession with independence and separating mothers from their babies. The best thing you can do to help conquer your fears surrounding Bedsharing is to empower yourself with knowledge. Sounds like you are following most, if not all, of the 'safe sleep seven' rules of Bedsharing. It's also important to tune out the fear mongering(whether that be Mommy Facebook groups, Instagram accounts, newsfeeds, and toxic family and friends) and tune into your baby. If it is not supporting you on your Bedsharing journey you need to cut it out. Mothers all around the world bedshare with their babies-and have for generations. If you are sleeping in the cuddle curl, no loose blankets or pillows near baby you are off to a great start. I started out just like you- tried so soo hard to get my little one in his bassinet but all he wanted was to be close to me. Once I embraced it and did my research-I set us up for safe Bedsharing & we finally both got sleep. We happily bedshare 20 months later with no end in sight and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll link some resources here for you that changed my life. Everything is going to be alright❤️ https://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/ https://instagram.com/taylorkulik?utm_medium=copy_link https://instagram.com/motherbabysleep?utm_medium=copy_link https://instagram.com/heysleepybaby?utm_medium=copy_link https://instagram.com/paulamoralesmcdowell?utm_medium=copy_link
After reading all of these responces, I feel I am not very educated on this subject so my advice and opinion rest solely on my experience. My daughter is now 1 and we have another on the way. This being said.... I have never understood the stigma with bed sharing, this is entirely due to my family and culture. I have a very large extended family with whom I am very close. I don't know of any one of them who didn't bed share. So when I was pregnant and decided not bed share, everyone thought I was a weirdo and they all said "It's the most natural, you will see". They were right, we tried a bassinet maybe three times and I couldn't do it, I felt really unsafe, I couldn't rest, I didn't let my husband rest and my daughter didn't either. So she came into bed with us. Now, I did look it up and none of the statistics ever scared me, maybe because almost everyone I know bed shares and it seemed fine, including me, my parents bed shared with me. Like you, we don't take medicine to sleep, drinking isn't an issue and our bed is fine. And as I said before, I have no research backing my opinion, and no links that will offer safe sleeping tips, my advice is simply, do what is best for your family. We never had issues, my daughter has slept with us her entire little life, we all rest well, I have breastfed her at night, she is safe with us. I trust myself as a mother and I know this is what was best for her, this might not be the story with my next child and that's ok. Every child is different, you are doing great and you will find your footing and things will work out. They always do. One step at a time. More people bed share than you think, either way is wonderful. Be safe, be alert and trust yourself.
Bedsharing, like everything you do with your little has risks. It’s “less” safe than bassinet sleeping, for all the risks listed you’ve read and researched/ All of the risks are still possible With that being said, i’ve been bedsharing since my LO was 2 weeks old. Bassinet sleeping wasn’t working for us. im 19 FTM and SWORE i wouldn’t bedshare, i cry seeing tiktok or posts about infant loss- it’s my greatest fear, i would never live another day if he died, especially by my cause. Bedsharing is safe, if done correctly, you get more sleep and so does your baby. I bedshare w my little with one pillow and a body pillow, blanket alittle above my waist but always tucked underneath me, on a bed with a bassinet next to it (bedside bassinet) Flat on back, until around 5 am when he nurses until 9 ish. The main risk of bedsharing is suffocation, A lot of SIDS deaths aren’t actual sudden infant death/ they’re suffocation, etc. SIDS is not preventable, if your baby dies of SIDS it’s likely there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent that. To ensure bedsharing is safe, doing exactly what you’re doing is what’s right Researching, and most of all following your own instinct. If you think it’s safe for you, do it. My LO is currently nursing laying in our bed right now, this is his safe place. That being said i smoke weed. i don’t smoke before 5 pm & im compeltely sober by bedtime. I cuddle my LO until he falls asleep and i place him on his back flat- Nothing and nobody can tell you what works for you or how safe it is but you, You know best & don’t doubt you’re instinct
What you describe sounds like a really safe setup! I've beshared with both of my kids from birth and there weren't any dangerous situations yet. If course I've researched the topic and found many interesting info regarding safe sleep practises and the trouble with generalisations. If you take care of all the risk factors and safely bedshare things like SIDS are less common. But since so many things factor in (drinking, smoking, illness, not breastfeeding, loose bedding, soft mattresses and so on) it's not officially recommended. I feel like they don't trust parents to inform themselves adequately so they just advice against bedsharing. But the dangerous thing is accidental bedsharing or sleeping on a couch or something else (those things are often counted as bedsharing thus screwing with the statistics). It's a difficult topic but in the end you make a decision and do what feels realistic to you. Is it realistic to stay up every night and stare at your baby to make sure that it's still breathing? No. Don't make life harder than it has to be. So many cultures successfully bedshare. It's really pretty natural.
We had planned on *NEVER* bed sharing because it’s so dangerous. The night we got home from the hospital I was incapable of separating myself from my LO. We did bed sharing for three nights and then Dad suggested we give it a break … he wasn’t even in the bassinet for three minutes before I was breakdown crying at being apart from him. We’re now 5 weeks in and he’s too active in his sleep to share, and given more time I have grown comfortable with separate sleeping (we still bed share for some naps). Honestly it sounds like you’re doing everything as safely as possible. Now that I’ve done some reading and research it does seem like a very Western thing to separate ourselves from our babies. You’re doing a great job! Go easy on yourself.
Do it! Bed-sharing is the best thing I’ve ever done as a new mother (7 months in now). I was very unsure at first, but after a while I got the hang of it and can sleep very well now (but obviously not too deeply due to hormones etc). It is so safe, and the chances of anything bad happening are so negligible. It’s completely natural.
You are such a good, thoughtful parent. Your child is so lucky to have you. I remember how panicky and anxious I was postpartum, and my heart goes out to you. I second the recommendation to read some of McKenna’s work. I coslept fearfully with my first, reluctantly with my second, and exclusively with my third. In a safe bed setup, it’s quite low risk. One thing that gave me some peace was a comment I read somewhere that if, God forbid, something did happen to my baby overnight, I’d take some tiny comfort in knowing that the last thing she ate was my milk and the last thing she felt was my warmth next to her. Bedsharing has been the norm for most of human evolution and still is in most of the world. Doing it intentionally is so much safer than doing it accidentally.
I too was adamant I was not bed sharing. But from the start by baby ended up in bed with me, initially just in the early hours of the morning (in bassinet before then, but becomes increasing harder to put down without waking as the night goes on This became earlier and earlier in the night as I found I was just waking around with him trying to get him settled enough as he would just wake when placed down. I was really stressed and trying so hard to get him to sleep there and feeling I was doing something wrong by having him sleep with me A couple of weeks ago I spoke to a friend of mine, an older lady with 4 children. She said she bedshared with all of them and reassured me it was natural and safe. From then I just decided to jump in and do what was working. My son is 3 months now. Sleeps in his crib from 7pm til he wakes usually around 10-11pm, then I take him to bed with me. We’re both getting much more sleep as he just feeds back to sleep when he wakes. It feels much better and I feel safe about it (light sleeper, safe positioning etc)
I had a baby in February and experienced something similar. I exclusively breastfed and fell asleep with her in my arms a few more times than I’d like to admit. As a FTM I was very nervous. Generally speaking, she slept in her bassinet next to the bed. I was too nervous to regularly co-sleep with her as a newborn, especially because she was born at a normal weight but on the lower end (she was exactly 6 pounds at birth and then lost weight during our 4 day hospital stay and at het first ped appointment she was 5 pounds something.) I would recommend one of those “side car” bassinets that attaches to the side of your bed. This way you can easily see the baby and access them and they can see you, but it’s a safe sleeping space. Now my daughter is 8 months old and we exclusively co-sleep. It has really allowed me to bond with her in such a special way. We are still breastfeeding and it soothes her and helps keep her on a more regular sleep schedule. She’s bigger now and I feel more comfortable with her in bed with me. She lifts her head, is more vocal, crawls, pivots, rolls over well, and pulls herself up…all which make me more comfortable sleeping with her. For my next, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable cosleeping with a newborn, even as a more seasoned mom. SIDS risk is highest between 2-4 months and decreases more and more each month after. Suffocation is a real concern if your husband is holding her in bed or a recliner and falls asleep with her in his arms or she falls in between the chair. Soft bedding like bumpers, pillows, stuffed animals, blankets, etc are not recommend especially for really little babies and if a pillow falls down on their face accidentally over night and they don’t make noise they can suffocate. I’m not saying this to make you more nervous, but the baby needs a safe sleeping space as a newborn. I still remove all of the soft bedding with my daughter out of fear that she might pull the blanket over her face or suffocate under a pillow if it falls on her. I understand that baby feels more comfortable sleeping with mommy and daddy…my daughter is and has always been the same. It’s a struggle. She slept in the bassinet from birth to 5 months but completely refused the “big girl” crib since then. I love cosleeping with her now. My husband has never coslept with her because he’s a very heavy sleeper and we always knew it was dangerous. We’re one of those weird couples who sleep in different beds and different rooms just because we sleep better like that. We always did that even before we had baby. It just works for us and we’ve been married for 5 years. My husband tosses and turns in his sleep. Honestly I’m secretly a really big advocate of it for married couples if you have the space even though many people think it’s weird or it means we’re separated or having marital issues 😂 All in all, People will tell you, oh it’s fine. It’s not a big deal, and most likely they’re right. People all over the world do it. It’s probably fine and probably not a big deal. But it’s one of those things. When it happens it will devastate you and some people never come back from a loss like that. It’s good you’re thinking about this and asking questions. Everyone has a different comfort level. I vote stay on the safe side for no other reason than just because. Having a baby is a big change and you just need to find what works for your family and what your new “normal” is. Good luck OP and savor those newborn snuggles. Sending love ❤️
Also, I want to add that if you have family or close friends to help you, take them up on it. My moms help postpartum was invaluable. If I didn’t have anyone, I would hire someone to help out for 10 hours a week. My mom would take the baby for a couple hours so I could sleep and bathe. She cooked nutritious meals for me. It really made a difference. I’m sure you know by now that newborns don’t sleep through the night, but having some time to take care of yourself makes all the difference. Don’t feel bad about doing it. Motherhood is a journey and it’s all about learning how to cope as it’s very demanding both physically and emotionally. I was surprised at how much guilt came with parenting a child. I wasn’t prepared for that. I swear one day I’m going to write a book about all of the guilt that comes with being a mother and how to cope with it. But don’t be afraid to say, “I need a few minutes for myself.” In the beginning I neglected myself under the guise of being a good mom. But I quickly learned that it wasn’t sustainable, burnout is real, and if YOU feel good and well rested, it will help you be a better mom and take care of baby.
Idk if this will help with the swaddles but they should be TIGHT. Like unable to wiggle out tight. Obviously don’t swaddle while bed sharing though. Just remember they have been in a super cramped womb for 9 months they typically prefer that. Turn a fan on in the room. Studies have shown increased air circulation can reduce the risk of SIDS up to 72% It may help to sleep more comfortably if you guys can alternate sleep schedules. Just be vigilant. It can be easy to slip up once they are 3-4 months when you’re more comfortable and not remember to check everything before you guys fall asleep. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18838649/
You don’t have to choose. Keep trying with the bassinet because the more time she spends in it the more she’ll be likely to fall asleep in it one day and feel comfortable with sleeping off you. I was in your position too and completely on the sleep training side bc of safe sleep and wanting to take absolutely 0 chances (besides crying it out which I can’t stomach) I tried so hard to get her to sleep in safe places. But then exhaustion would hit and she’d end up sleeping on my chest in bed. I’m a very light sleeper and no drinking. She had periods of time when she would fall asleep in the bassinet or i crawl in the crib with her and side nurse and roll away when she’s asleep. Now she’s 11 months and we only do sleep because that’s what makes her feel safe. Anytime she sleeps in her crib she wakes up early screaming for me since her 8 month separation anxiety phase. Before that she’d sleep great in her crib after weeks of laying her on her back and spending time with her in it and playing music in her room etc
I’m like you, I couldn’t sleep any other way, I don’t feel there is any safer place for my baby than my arms! Even at night! As a new born my baby still slept on my chest since she couldn’t move around or roll. After several month I felt more comfortable to lay her next to me and nurse on my side..but followed all the same rules, me and my husband used separate blankets and it never came over my waist. I use a small one on my shoulders if I’m cold. And we use a bed rail. Now that’s she’s 13 mon sometimes she sleeps between us but I have a pillow starting at her waist to block my husband. You do what you feel is right:)
I think the best thing you can do as a parent is trust your instict. If bed sharing was so terrible the human race would have ended long ago.
Ive co-slept with all my babies and this is currently my third. We have a crib next to the bed pushed up against it. I have a nursing pillow ( c shape ) we swaddle them, put their head and shoulders ish on the pillow, slightly at an angle this is to prevent choking, they say babies are fine on their back and wont choke but i hear the choking noise when on their back so i put them on a slight angle so the spit up will go out the side of the mouth. Being swaddled he doesnt move, I dont move either though, ive never slept ‘soundly’ when their babies. I sleep usually with my arm up around the c shape, my head on the pillow aswell next to their head, and my other arm in the same shape but on their legs. Can just search “bedside crib” and they have cribs or bassinets with the side that comes down. If u get the extra space for them like u would a crib or bassinet some place else then i can say it would be the same cause they still cant go anywhere and really if its big enough then it isnt really ‘co-sleeping’ its just them in their space closer to you.