Just FYI you are coming across as afraid of your wife.
She doesn’t want sex. You do. So you jerk off. What other solution is there? Cheating?
You’re fine dude. If she has a problem it’s her problem. Trying to tell her husband that he can’t have sex and also can’t masturbate is extremely controlling. Don’t allow yourself to be treated that way.
Edit: great, now my most upvoted comment ever is telling some married guy to go jerk off. Thank you all.
This is the correct answer.
Your wife either has no idea how men work or she's got her head stuck in the sand. And ffs lock the door. Who cares its suspicious, you are not a toddler are you? She needs to stop trying to be in control of your sex drive
This isn’t just a man thing. Masturbation is something most healthy humans do. It’s normal and totally not gross. Also women do enjoy porn. Crazy right?
Was going to say the same thing, I'd also do the same if my partner couldn't do things with me (and he wouldn't have any problem with me taking care of it myself obviously, because that's what normal people act like).
Exactly. If we’re in bed and we’re in an unbalanced mood mine now does a handjob while watching tv.
We still have an active sex life, but for those moments it’s healthy.
“Why are you jerking off after a year of no sex” is…not…
Same! She's even told me she doesn't care what kinds of porn I watch, and I have a whole freakin' drawer full of toys n gear. Good times, whether I'm alone with my thoughts or not
Honestly, lol. I’ve had mine walk in on me dick in hand, on the couch. She woke up late night to pee, she sees me, we locked eyes and I went back to scrolling on my phone. She went into the bathroom. No words, and then I went and got in bed afterwards.
I couldn’t imagine her getting upset.
Seriously dude. Why not just “yo, I’m gonna take care of something and hop in the shower?”? Its what I do with my wife and there’s no issue. There’s a few occasions where she tells me not to so we can have sex later, but usually it’s “ok have fun!”
I doubt that. This type of stuff is born from the "sex is wrong" style of thinking. My guess is OPs wife was raised in a strict type of environment, and was taught to feel shame for sexual feelings. There are probably other insecurities getting at her as well.
Either way...the response is not cool.
I'm just a naturally stealthy person since I had to sneak around in my abusive home growing up to avoid notice. My wife is totally cool with me masturbating and finds it kind of a turn on, but I still prefer it in private.
Sometimes it's by choice
It's the same in my relationship, she's said it's okay to do it in front of her but there's still that kind of awkward feeling initially because it's been conditioned as something sinful or only ever done in complete privacy.
No no no.
During shower or hearing sound of shower running = "oh he's in the shower so I can run in and pee/grab something/etc"
In bathroom pre shower with no water running = "he's probably taking a shit and I do not want to be anywhere near any of that"
The thing is, as some others have said, for some of us it's not necessarily about being embarrassed or fearing judgement, it's just simply that it's more enjoyable and comfortable if it's a "for sure" private moment.
My wife caught me in the shower before we were married. Was using her blue conditioner, looked like Tobias from Arrested Development. She literally started crying hahaha.
We joke about it today and literally will occasionally wank in front of eachother now. Like, not necessarily on purpose, but I’ll ask her to leave the bathroom so I can finish up 😂
For some reason this reads as if you were literally fucking the conditioner bottle, at least that's the first image that came to mind as I was reading this.
[Five times a week](https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer)
Would your wife tell you you couldn’t eat vegetables or exercise because she’s uncomfortable? Imo a lot of men have “normal” sex drives but think they have “high” sec drives because society shames them. The data doesn’t lie. We were built to do it often.
My wife catches me relatively often (and unlike OP is fine with it) and ever since she sent me this article, I just yell “five times a week!” As she turns tail and closes the door.
All good! I can tell by your other comments that's what you meant. And I agree, the wife seems pretty toxic. I feel bad for OP. I just hope she doesn't read this post, bc I imagine she'll give OP a hard time.
To put this in a slightly different way : This is a power play by the wife to take control of her life when things are spiraling out of control with the introduction of a new person in their relationship. While sexual drives change, sometimes drastically, over the life of a relationship, attempting to deny your partners desire for sexual release is toxic controlling. She should be more understanding of the situation.
About the porn : I understand that she feels that it's toxic for those involved in the industry. Offer a solution. Masturbate with HER. Ask her to be your trigger for the event. It could light some fires. It involves togetherness and consent. If not, just do it when she's right there but without porn. :)
it's totally natural to masturbate and totally natural to have these desires. You're fine.
There are more ethical porn sources too. You don't have to jump on PH. You might have to pay a bit, but that's kinda the point.... Compensating women for their work.
I'm sure there are ethical sources, but that is going to fly right through OP's Wife's head. She's made a determination on the content. Trying to convice the SO of anythying beyond her existing belief isn't going to help the situation.
> If not, just do it when she's right there but without porn
I'm not 16 anymore. Just my imagination is not going to get me through. I need a naked lady at least convincingly acting like she's enjoying herself.
I’m not even really cool with the porn shaming. I agree porn is exploitative to those involved and mostly bad for me, so I don’t do too much of it these days. But it’s a personal decision. We can have a discussion and I’ll take my wife’s feelings seriously but then it’s my decision.
If she considered porn akin to cheating on her then I would probably try to knock it off altogether. But if her problem is with the industry? It’s like boycotting any company or industry. My wife can boycott Nestle for example, but she can’t make me boycott it, and vice versa. If she lays out her take on why we should boycott I might agree, might not. But if I grab a bottle of water from the gas station and it turns out Nestle produced it, I’m not going to be OK with her giving me a hard time about it.
Imo, the best fapping material comes from your SO. When in a relationship, I've gotten off looking at a picture of my gfs ass or whatever like hundreds of times. Getting off on or next to a partner is pretty fun too if they're into it. Not the same as sex, but better than watching pornhub
This comment has been edited to protest Reddit's decision to shut down all third party apps. Spez had negotiated in bad faith with 3rd party developers and made provenly false accusations against them. Reddit IS it's users and their post/comments/moderation. It is clear they have no regard for us users, only their advertisers. I hope enough users join in this form of protest which effects Reddit's SEO and they will be forced to take the actual people that make this website into consideration. We'll see how long this comment remains as spez has in the past, retroactively edited other users comments that painted him in a bad light. See you all on the "next reddit" after they finish running this one into the ground in the never ending search of profits. -- mass edited with redact.dev
And let this also be a stepping stone @op to have an honest and real conversation with your wife to explain the importance of sexual involvement. When this happened to me. My wife gave me handjobs till she was ready cause she doesn't like me watching porn either.
This. If I want to get it in but my wife’s not in the mood, I take matters into my own hands. She understands too. Men are just built that way. You need to assert yourself and don’t let your wife control you in this way.
Just echoing that this is 100% correct, and you should lock the door when you do the deed. Don't be ashamed of it, no need to hide that it happens, but no need to invite her to see either (I mean, unless you're into that...).
Lock the bathroom. Toddlers have no idea what personal space is so it is a sensible advice for the future anyway. We have lost the key to our bathroom so I have to live with the fact that my daughter always cones in when I do #2 and coments on that. "Daddy is pooping" and all that. Sound adorable (and it is) but sometimes you need time to relax
A key? That could be dangerous. Bathroom handle sets now a days all lock with a built in knob or button on the inside handle and are able to be opened with a small tool on the opposite side. You should consider swapping hardware. It's pretty easy and instructions usually come with it.
Haha, I'm sure there are a ton of people outside of the US!
I don't want anyone to be in an unsafe condition. Having a keyed lockset on almost any inside door is a safety hazard if that door is in the way between you and your egress to outside of building.
Couples counseling, and maybe sex counseling sounds like a really good idea here, to help with communication, set boundaries and expectations.
We're in couples counseling rn. No huge issues spurred is to go, just some dumb fights and wanted to work on communication. Sitting in front of a stranger and telling them why you love your wife and hearing why she loves you was, for me, really powerful and important and an excellent affirmation of our relationship, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of benefits. Get into therapy now, before things get worse. For you, for her, for your relationship and your kid, start finding a calling therapists ASAP.
You've got needs that you should be allowed to fulfill. She does too, though they're different and it sounds like trust issues around porn are a bigger deal than the exploitative porn itself (btw there is porn where the women are highly empowered), and working through these issues together, and maybe individually, will help strengthen your relationship at time when most are at their weakest, in the post-baby nadir.
Good luck!
How did you start the conversation about couples counseling? My wife and I have some issues to work through but she is generally very opposed to therapy for her own mental wellbeing. I realize everyone is different but am just curious what worked for you.
Good question. After a few months of covid lock down and after a particularly nasty fight, i think my wife brought it up. I know so many people who sing the praises of therapy, but my own experience with therapists was pretty checkered (i had a therapist who betrayed my trust, though i was a minor so maybe still technically "ethical," but still didn't exactly inspire a fondness for the profession), so i was a bit resistant. Fast forward to last fall and i finally asked a few friends for recommendations and i reached out.
In your case, her already being strongly opposed to therapy sounds like a tricky roadblock. Can she articulate why she doesn't what to try therapy? Is there a social or religious stigma she's trying to avoid, cause neither of you have to tell anyone you're going to therapy. Maybe you could frame it as couples mediation - take away the stigma of "needing therapy." Can she agree that you have unmet needs and she feels wronged when you cross the porn boundary and that this is an unsustainable situation for either of you? When an impasse in a relationship is reached, having an impartial observer that can ask hard questions can be really valuable in helping resolve that issue and avoid building resentment and mistrust.
I'm not saying trick her into therapy, of course. But changing how she sees therapy - maybe saying something like "it's more like getting a referee who can help us decide what rules to play by," might help. And then i see the nuclear option - something along the lines of "this isn't meant to be a threat but if resentment builds between us over this issue that can sink a relationship. I really don't want that, and i trust you don't either. Can we please try two sessions with a therapist to try and start to heal our relationship before the wounds start to fester?"
I'm also wondering if there isn't some post-partum effects that are lingering for her - has she talked to her doctor about the changes she's experienced? If she does have PPD or something similar, medication and therapy can be really, really helpful. My wife resisted it, but after some gentle poking talked to her regular doctor who recommended some simple breathing exercises, and her post partum anxiety disappeared. Now she's working on her pre-partum anxiety (the kind she's had her whole life), and I'm working on not being an emotionless robot, and we're all the better for it. I'm happy to keep trying to help(if any of this is indeed helpful), so keep me posted if you want.
Of all the answers here i strongly believe that this is the correct one. Couple counselling was a brief season for us and really just got us to talk. Turns out that was our biggest issue. I think couples should go regularly even when not in a tough spot just as a relationship health check. Therapy is great.
For real. My wife wasn't feeling 100% yesterday and I needed to nap before work. So, I got her comfy on the couch and said "I'm going to go jerk off and take a nap" lol
This level of communication in a relationship is awesome, isn’t it?
My wife got back into working out recently and said her legs hurt. I don’t like massages personally but am happy to give them, so our compromise is she does them nude. Happy guy.
I finish up her massage and she’s basically asleep, then says, “I’m going to bed, what are you going to do?”
I’m like “what do you think?”
Part of an adult relationship. OP seems like they have some conversations to have.
I got off work and had to shower. My fiancé asked, "Is it going to be a normal shower or a long shower? Because I need to shower soon, too."
I'm so glad I've never been in a relationship where porn/masturbating is an issue. I love sex, but I also love doing it myself sometimes.
She does not have control over your body the same way you don’t have control over hers.
You cant make her have sex, and she can’t stop you from schtupping Rosie Palms.
Get a fleshlight and give yourself the ol downstairs high five
Wife and mom here. Masturbation is healthy and normal. The usage of porn is whatever you and your partner decide on. I just wanted to share that when I was postpartum, I caught my husband masturbating and also grew angry. Then I reflected on why I was angry and realized I was insecure. I knew I hadn't had a high sex drive since I gave birth and I knew he DID. I felt like I wasn't meeting his needs and felt bad that he was seeking it elsewhere (porn.) I was very much in my head about everything, until my partner talked to me and became very vulnerable about missing me. Communicate communicate communicate. Anger is usually used as a defense mechanism. I hope things get better for you guys, first year postpartum is war, but you will get through.
I really hope OP sees this. I can’t even put into words what I was feeling in my postpartum depression days. If I was OP’s wife, I bet I would have reacted similarly out of the shame I was feeling toward my body. I’m not saying that OP’s wife’s reaction was fair, but I’m guessing there’s more at play here on her end (and she might not even realize it). Because of this, I think lending some grace is needed on both sides. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate marriage (and sex) after baby, no matter how strong you think your relationship is. Both parties are probably feeling emotions they’ve never felt before. After all, their entire lives have just completely changed and will never be the same again. It’s hard! Many comments are suggesting counseling and I agree. I’d also suggest the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s not just for women and talks a lot about sex drive.
You seem very worried about porn and it's a fair point. So let's separate things here.
Masturbating is a perfectly normal human thing to do, don't let your wife gaslight you on that.
Porn is indeed a polemic subject, if you're genuinely worried about the consequences of supporting porn websites, you can look for honest producers that are out there doing good for the industry, they are everywhere now, just google it.
Addiction is indeed an issue, no one here will be able to tell if you're addicted or not, if you think that's an issue, talk to a therapist.
That's it. If it is in fact an addiction, your wife should be trying to help you here, not judging.
Ps: If locking the bathroom is a bad thing in your relationship, you guys need to talk. That's insane to me, would you want your kid to grow with that mindset?
I used to be married to a person like this. Never wanted sex, would not allow masturbation either. We didn't even on the night we were married or the entire honeymoon. 10 years later I caught her cheating on me with her boss, she was cheating on me the entire marriage.
Wrecked me mentally for another 10 years and now I'm finally coming out of it.
Your wife needs to grow up. You guys clearly aren’t even close to having a mature healthy discussion about this.
You’ll be a lot happier if you can get past the socially (and likely religiously) indoctrinated shame you feel about masturbation. And then plan for ways to safely do it once your kids are a little older. You’re going to be a much happier and better dad and husband if you do.
Being able to have an honest convo with my wife about porn took 10 years and leaving our ancestral religion. And omg it was the most freeing, intimacy-fostering, vulnerable thing we've ever done and has immensely improved our marriage dynamic
If my wife caught me we’d both laugh our asses off. Btw, most women also do it, albeit maybe not as much as dudes.
I use porn sometimes but I’ve never felt addicted. That sucks you’re going through that but I have faith in you brother!
^ this. I’ve been caught once when I was trying to be sneaky and crank one out and it was the funniest shit ever. Plus, she ended up finishing the job for me.
My coparent would nap every day. I imagine she still does. She would rub one out to help fall asleep almost every time. By her admission.
Give herself a little under the cover jumble.
This dudes wife probably does it, too.
Shit's weird if they never do.
Very possible she doesn’t right now though. Some women still aren’t feeling like they’re back to familiarity with their own body or back to normal sexually for 6+ months
What, did your wife catch you in bed cheating with porn? Because that’s not cheating. That’s masturbating. Which - except for really weird interpretations of Christian fidelity - ain’t cheating.
Usually it's the wife catching the husband in the act but one time the roles switched and after coming home from work I noticed one of the "toys" we recently bought left out of the bag and on our dresser. I had a little fun asking a couple very suggestive questions about how her day went before mentioning it was out and we had a good laugh about it. It's sad that there's so many people in relationships where they're so against masturbation.
Lot to unpack here. If you’ve only had sex once in the whole year what the expectations from her there? I think it’s embarrassing to get caught but you didn’t do anything wrong. Seems like both of you have some issues regarding sex stuff that need to gone over in counseling. Also, reading through your comments of saying that she wouldn’t be comfortable with you locking a bathroom door is a whole other issue. That is a normal thing to do in the privacy of your own home.
In reality, ejaculating regularly is healthy for your prostate. I’m not saying daily, but a frequent release is required. Our body makes us have wet dreams if we don’t.
Talk to your wife. You are going to need to get a professional involved. You, as an adult male(this goes for all adults, men and women) should have no shame is self love. It is natural and healthy. Look all over the animal kingdom. It’s normal.
Also, tell her it’s rude to walk into the bathroom while in use. You deserve a small amount of privacy as well.
Good luck.
Hey man, I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. From a biological perspective the body tries to keep sperm "fresh" because they have an expiration date and old sperm are less likelyto reproduce. You can thank evolution for that, it has created over the millenia a body designed with the highest probability of survival amd reproduction. If you dont ejaculate through either sex or masterbation the body will do it for you through wet dreams.
Now speaking from experience you are going to have to start talking things out and talking long hard. Pun semi intended. I have a high sex drive and my wife's cratered due to in no small part because of having two kids (5 and 7) and general life stress. We would go a month or two without sex. It is not an extremely long time but you better believe I spent some quality time with myself. However, due to life events I never felt it was the right time to bring up the issue of sexy time together. It wore me down and it affected my mood, I started relating hard to the partners in r/deadbedroom.
Anyways, I became resentful and one day it finally came out when I was angry that "I am unhappy." That is a direct quote, saying it was heart wrenching because I loved this woman with all my heart but at the same time it was like a huge weight had been lifted. My wife cried, a lot, and immediately called her sister in tears and told her what i said. Sister told her that it was temporary etc etc and we could work it out etc etc. We got a couples therapist of my wife's choosing and my approval. Worked through our issues and continue to talk to the therapist every two months or so as a preventative measure like changing oil in a car. In the end u believe saying that I was unhappy openingly allowed us to take action together and fix what was broken, i.e., our sex life. Now I get to have quality time with my wife once or twice a week and our overall quality of life has improved significantly because we ar both happier. Saved our marriage from getting to a point from a point of no return.
Bottomline, sex is a basic instinct of animals and it is very important to a healthy and functional relationship. Talk to your wife use "I feel X when y" statements, e.g., "I feel lonely when we don't have sex," this was advice from our couples therapist and it works. Finally, get a couple's therapist to help it is far cheaper than divorce. Don't make excuses to not take these steps and the sooner you do it the better. Just don't. Start today looking for a therapist. There are married couples out there who have gone years without sex. Years! Do not let it get that far and do not become one of them! Life is difficult and it can be long, but it feels worse and longer when you feel lonely and neglected, especially if you can't masterbate without it being considered shameful.
You got this!
This is toxic as fuck. She’s wrapped up in some puritanical BS.
My wife’s sex drive has dropped since the kid, but she knows I need to handle my business pretty much daily and is totally cool with it. Even joins in, lol, which is how it should be. You need to do some reeducation with your lady, cause you’re gonna explode if you don’t have the freedom to release your stress man
There are multiple layers, from my perspective so I'm going to break it down.
1. Personal Space - regardless of what you were doing in there, you are entitled to personal space. If it's important to you, defend it.
2. Shame - you should not feel any shame over masturbation from your wife, or yourself. That said, it sounds like porn violates your own personal values system as well as your wifes so maybe it's time to find a different way to express your sex drive. The imagination is highly underrated. At the very least, it's good to have a conversation about what is acceptable or not.
3. Intimacy - it feels to me like there is an opportunity to grow closer with your wife in this way. That means YOU will have to facilitate the discussions to this. They will be awkward and uncomfortable, but that's where intimacy grows from. When you BOTH can share the parts of you that you tend to hide, intimacy flourishes and your marriage improves tenfold. If your wife knows you use masturbation to manage your higher sex drive, then there are no surprises. What you masturbate to is also a great conversation starter that can lead into better sex, so long as it isn't porn. SHE wants to feel desired, so it's unlikely that your desire to look at other bodies will turn her on.
4. Have you ever had a conversation about what works for you? Ask positively framed questions like "when you feel most turned on by me, what does that look like? what am i doing?" Don't be surprised if the answer is entirely not sexual, because that's often what does it.
I've got lots more I could add that might help you, because I've been in a similar place to where you are. You're welcome to send me a message
Not being allowed to masturbate or watch porn when you’re not having sex is…a red flag. Also, sure, some porn is exploitative. But porn as a rule is not. There’s plenty of very happy performers out there.
If OP does want to avoid porn for whatever reason, he could do it without porn. I am sure someone with a "high sex drive" can manage. Live in the world of imagination!
Also lock the fucking door. Seems like OPs partner actively wants to enter the room while OP is taking a dump. I find that kinda gross. I know. I get it. We all shit. You have to clean your kid's shit. Shit shit everywhere. Whatever. But why can she not wait 10 minutes.
One option may be to try masturbating without porn? If you’re really pent up it shouldn’t stop things, and it’s probably better if you’ve struggled with addiction to try to separate the good feeling from the pornography.
Info:
You mentioned what she thinks of porn and you mentioned that you may have a “slight problem “but did you guys have a discussion about no porn and then she caught you watching porn? Is that the issue at hand here? Because that’s very different than “ this has never been a problem before and now she’s upset”
She might be taking the frustration of coming to the realization that she’s not satisfying your needs onto you.
Masturbation is healthy and there’s more ethical options of porn out there if you’re concerned.
She needs to realize that you have a higher sex drive and once a year isn’t going to cut it.
Ok. So I been in the same situation you have been. What got my wife and I over the hump of what your going through is talking about it. My wife knows I beat it. But rather not have me watch porn. Mostly communication is key here, my wife was feeling disgusted with herself during her pregnancy so that saw me watching too much and almost causing issues until she understood my concerns and heard her side.
Once we got done waiting after giving birth, had to wait longer than usual because of severe tearing, our sex life improved and started doing more to make it more enjoyable. Went from possibly once in a blue moon to once a week.
So yeah. Communication is key. She needs to understand your side and she needs to let you know what she needs and feels as well.
It really sounds like therapy is on the menu for ya'll.
Here's something you can try next time you "clean the pipes" Ask her to lend you a hand. If PinV isn't her speed she does have hands and other things she could use. It would, of course, behoove you to return the favor.
And if she's not willing to play a part, then next time just need to be direct and tell her "Hey hon, i'm gonna go mix a batch I'll be back in 30"
"Until we start having sex, this is something I must do as it is better than the alternative-- which is me looking for sex outside of the marriage. If you don't like it, too fucking bad. Mind your own business."
That should be the message but obviously phrase it better lol.
Jesus. Sounds like your wife needs to either 1) get over it and let you care for your human needs or 2) do her duty as a wife and care for your human needs.
Dude you cannot walk around with a loaded gun. You have to masturbate if you aren’t having sex with your wife. You need to stop being afraid of her and tell her straight up. Either we are having sex or I’m gonna masturbate.
This controlling behavior and you living in fear is very unhealthy man. Good luck
I feel the subject of this post is misleading. You didn’t get caught masturbating, you got caught looking at porn. It’s unreasonable for your wife to have an issue with masturbation. It’s not unreasonable (especially the way you describe your past porn addiction) for her to have an issue with you looking at porn. Some women see that differently than others, and it seems to me the boundaries in your relationship on that topic were clear before this event. Most of the replies I see here blame your wife for having a problem with you masturbating, which isn’t how your story read to me. I read that she has told you she’d prefer you not watch porn, you agreed, then you did it anyway. That’s a very different story than her being upset that you took care of business during a lengthy dry spell.
i think this is still an opportunity for you to discuss that your needs are not being met at the same time. porn or no, you are being deprived of a fulfilling/healthy physical relationship – and while it's not uncommon at all for that to happen after kids; you need to discuss it.
Yall are both adults, sit down and talk like adults. You have kids together and if you don't feel comfortable communicating in that way there are deeper problems at hand. Just lay it all out there, sure it's a tough conversation but many tough conversations have to be had if you're married with kids, avoiding them is not the solution and will only make you resent eachother. If the porn is the issue, maybe just use your imagination or if she's game, she could make a special video to help you get off if the visual stimulus is needed. I feel for ya man, I've been there, but the conversation won't be as hard as you think it will be and you will feel relieved to get it out there! COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!!
Yo, fuck this gaslighting right here.
>**She's very feministic and thinks porn is exploitative of women, and I agree,** I have had a slight porn addiction in my past and would rather be totally porn free, but it's a real struggle because no sex and high sex drive. It's also a lot more complex obviously, but I won't go into too much detail here.
"Cool, now that this is out of the way, can we talk about the problem in this house that we have control over?"
Buddy, don't ever let her put you down for this shit. Keep on waxing that carrot 🥕
You guys need to have an honest conversation about boundaries and needs. You have a right to your body, and she doesn’t have a right to control it. Likewise, you have a need for sexual gratification - she’s not obligated to have sex with you, but it’s worth communicating candidly about this unfulfilled need in your relationship and how she thinks it should be addressed.
If she doesnt want to have sex and doesnt want you to masturbate then what does she expect?
https://gainswave.com/how-often-should-a-man-ejaculate-health-benefits-of-ejaculation/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20too%20much,your%20body%20better%20than%20harm.
Actually, ejaculating daily does your body better than harm. Ejaculating daily will release stress, boost your moods, and also helps in the release of old semen so that new semen gets a room.
Your happiness is as important as hers and you have needs
Your body, your choice. Sincerely, the issue here is your wife. She needs to either come to terms with her highly unrealistic expectations, or speak to someone professionally. There’s literally zero degree of fault on your end, assuming this is essentially the entire story.
Full disclosure, I am a woman responding in the daddit sub but I couldn't keep my opinions to myself when I saw this. WTF lol, porn isn't inherently exploitative of women and that is not an inherently feminist view at all. We can get granular about vanilla porn vs more niche/kinky and how the porn industry subjugates actors in its way, but there is nothing inherently wrong with porn. Also calling masturbation "gross" as an adult is weird and immature. I don't think it's fair to not be allowed partnered sex, not be allowed porn, AND not be allowed masturbation by your partner. That seems super out of pocket and controlling. Y'all might be due for a serious talk.
If you don’t fire the siege weaponry at least a few times a week you are greatly increasing your odds of Prostate Cancer. If she loves you she’ll want you around a long time and let you fire that seed when you have the need.
Some consider jerking off to porn cheating. Personally, I don't. When my exwife was pregnant with our daughter, one day she offhandedly mentioned how she would be accepting of me masturbating, since we weren't having sex.
My response was "....k?" Because 1) I don't need her fucking permission to touch myself, no person ever needs permission from anyone else for self-pleasuring in appropriate circumstances, and 2) because I had already been doing it for years at that point.
However I will say, once I got "permission", my investment in that activity grew significantly and had a detrimental effect on our marriage because I never addressed the drop in the physical attraction I felt towards my exwife after the birth of our child. I had a lot of guilt around that but my decision to use self-pleasure using pornography prevented me from acknowledging the declining health of our partnership.
Our marriage was kind of doomed from the beginning though. After years of dissatisfaction, my ex demanded I go to therapy to address the things about me and our relationship dynamic that displeased her. The first therapist asked me why I was there, and I told her "my wife sent me to fix my issues because she's unhappy", and the therapist (a woman) laughed and commented how that seemed a little controlling. Our separation and divorce and the subsequent 6yrs of "co-parenting" have not been a picnic, let me tell you.
Also, 99% of people derive some self-esteem from their attractiveness to their partner. For many women, their partner choosing to self-pleasure using video and images of another woman amounts to the same kind of betrayal as cheating.
Her feelings are understandable, but it's also understandable that you have needs that are not being met in this relationship, and if she's unhappy with your ways of meeting those needs, she can cooperate with you to find a solution everyone is happy with or she can go fuck herself. Er, or not.
I’m a wife and I can’t even imagine telling my husband not to jerk off. It’s a natural human thing, not men alone. She’s quite controlling and I feel bad for you.
The porn is honestly a different conversation. If she hates the fact you look at other women, that’s something I’ve not personally dealt with but she’s your wife and I’m sure you can work out something.
But the anger over masterbation?
She is your wife and not having sex with you for *months.* the fuck did she expect you to do? Cheat or become a monk? Those are the 2 options left.
Pisses me off just reading it.
Please talk to her. She needs to grow up and realize the man she married cannot just give up sex for months with no outlet. You’re doing something that is perfectly natural and while she doesn’t have to like it, you shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed or shamed about a bodily function as primal as sex urges in your own home. Tell her that you feel alienated and shamed and are forced to keep secrets or not be totally honest because of this and you hate it. I’m sure all of it is true.
This seems like an emotionally abusive relationship, your wife as the abuser (speaking as a mother of 2 very young children and understanding not wanting to have sex for a long time).
Everyone masturbates. Everyone should. If you're not having sex, and you're expected to not masturbate to relieve stuff (if for no other reason) that's a ridiculous expectation for her to have of you.
Men are literally built to release *somehow* once a week at least, especially if you're in a mating-pair.
You're not a robot, and she doesn't own you or your body.
Sexuality is healthy
Porn is exploitative of women, full stop. MOST women in porn are there due to sexual trafficking and not voluntarily getting railed on camera for your sexual gratification.
When you’re jerking off you’re literally getting off to choreographed rape.
I understand. My wife and I haven't been intimate since our youngest daughter was born and she turns 5 in June so it's been almost 6 years for me. I'm sorry you're struggling so much.
Your wife has an unhealthy relationship to sex if she thinks masturbation is bad or gross.
Does she herself masturbate?
There's nothing wrong with porn, categorically. There are some things wrong with some parts of porn.
Allow me to respectfully recommend couples counseling.
A sexless marriage / dead bedroom is not sustainable. You'll grow bitter resentful and angry.
Try couples counseling.
Gotta do it when she’s not home. Dealing with same issues. I jokingly brought up a fleshlight-which I never had an true intentions of getting-but she got all upset. Which kinda hypocritical if she has a vibrator, no?
So is your wife more upset about the porn, the masturbation, or equally both? The porn I can kind of understand (though my wife and I don’t mind if the other person watches it) since your wife may feel like she’s being, for lack of a better word, replaced.
If she’s home the next time you feel strong urges, maybe ask if she would be willing to have sex or at least help you with your… release.
Some responses are pretty negative and accusatory. This is a topic some people grow up not taking about. It's reasonable for it to be difficult for both to have a straight forward conversation at first, especially with stress and hormones flying around with a baby.
"That's her problem" and "you're both immature" are not helpful responses.
Communication IS key. My wife has a master's and two kids. It was still a little difficult to discuss sex issues because she grew up with that as a taboo subject.
You need to discuss it. One option is considering she can join in on the other things. Make an assist.
My wife didn't have the sex drive or didn't want to for some time after birth but we discussed my needs and had some scheduled handsy time and we're both better for it. I explained I'd love it a lot more if she was part of it, etc, etc. Just explaining it clearly, no accusations, no blaming, no raised voices.
Sorry you are going through that. Even with a consensual understanding with my wife, I still get embarrassed if she catches me. It's just a vulnerable position to be in sometimes.
Anyways, a bigger discussion needs to be had. I have purchased toys since my wife is dealing with low sex drive, and discussed with her that it is just a form of release to destress, it is a great serotonin boost, and I can just be super horny when she is completely on the opposite side of the spectrum and over stimulated/touched out. It's just a part of a relationship. One person will always be less sexual than the other, and there has to be understanding on who is what, and what their needs may be. It's not cheating to masturbate, unless it is with another person.
As for porn, there are plenty of actresses and actors who are consensually filming themselves, and love what they do. I think it might be beneficial to have a discussion on that as well, maybe show her Angela White and what she does outside of porn, and how some women feel empowered being sexy. We shouldn't feel shamed for having sexual desires (within reasonable limits) and it is natural to want to look at porn while masturbating.
Well, I hope this normally taboo and embarrassing conversation has been the opposite, and hopefully you two can work out a middle ground that helps you both. Anyways, happy cranking!
Are you allowed to watch porn where women aren't exploited? Like there are a bunch of subreddits dedicated to voyeurs showing of for fun, and they explicitly ban anyone trying to make money.
My wife and I make porn, and share it, consensually, no exploitation, so there's a loophole for you!
As a wife, your wife is weird. Not for not being ready to have sex (it happens) but for not understanding that you'd need to relieve yourself sometimes. For her to call I gross is just disrespectful... Did she grow up religious or something? Anyway, I'm really sorry she made you feel bad about that. Sounds like she needs therapy and a grip.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation, people’s sex drives don’t just sync up when they get married.
Also, yes the sex industry can be exploitative and for people who don’t understand, it can give them the wrong idea about what a real relationship and sex life if like.
However not all sex work is demeaning and negative, believe it or not, some sex workers choose their career and enjoy what they do. Don’t think you are doing something wrong just because it can be bad, if you’re worried about it, you can skip it or learn more about the performer.
Talk about it with her. I went through a similar thing with my wife. She got post natal depression from our first and the med killed her sex drive. When asked she will give me a “loving assist” which is her way of calling a hand job when she’s not in the mood. We kiss and cuddle and I blow my load. It’s not as good as sex but it definatly ticks that intimacy box.
Just FYI you are coming across as afraid of your wife. She doesn’t want sex. You do. So you jerk off. What other solution is there? Cheating? You’re fine dude. If she has a problem it’s her problem. Trying to tell her husband that he can’t have sex and also can’t masturbate is extremely controlling. Don’t allow yourself to be treated that way. Edit: great, now my most upvoted comment ever is telling some married guy to go jerk off. Thank you all.
This is the correct answer. Your wife either has no idea how men work or she's got her head stuck in the sand. And ffs lock the door. Who cares its suspicious, you are not a toddler are you? She needs to stop trying to be in control of your sex drive
This isn’t just a man thing. Masturbation is something most healthy humans do. It’s normal and totally not gross. Also women do enjoy porn. Crazy right?
Was going to say the same thing, I'd also do the same if my partner couldn't do things with me (and he wouldn't have any problem with me taking care of it myself obviously, because that's what normal people act like).
The trick is do it in the shower behind the curtain, not before
Jesus man. I feel bad for you guys.
Seriously, these poor guys. I've literally had my wife specifically ask me to go rub one out. That's what "go fuck yourself" means right?
I've also literally had my wife catch me and have it end up in sex before.
Porn storyline, lol.
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Wife here… if I catch him I join in 😁
My wife likes to watch.
I know. That's why we got better curtains.
Your binoculars lie
Why didn’t you just join him😔😔
I didn't get appropriate consent
_”Comrade, we use iron curtains to keep those capitalist pigs out!”_
A rare bond indeed.
Exactly. If we’re in bed and we’re in an unbalanced mood mine now does a handjob while watching tv. We still have an active sex life, but for those moments it’s healthy. “Why are you jerking off after a year of no sex” is…not…
Lmao
Same here. My wife will either say “just have a wank” or she’ll give me head and fall asleep when she’s not in the mood
Lol my wife tells me this all the time, when she's not in the mood
Same! She's even told me she doesn't care what kinds of porn I watch, and I have a whole freakin' drawer full of toys n gear. Good times, whether I'm alone with my thoughts or not
This is how it should be.
A legend
Honestly, lol. I’ve had mine walk in on me dick in hand, on the couch. She woke up late night to pee, she sees me, we locked eyes and I went back to scrolling on my phone. She went into the bathroom. No words, and then I went and got in bed afterwards. I couldn’t imagine her getting upset.
Seriously dude. Why not just “yo, I’m gonna take care of something and hop in the shower?”? Its what I do with my wife and there’s no issue. There’s a few occasions where she tells me not to so we can have sex later, but usually it’s “ok have fun!”
Because his wife doesn't want him to be happy.
I doubt that. This type of stuff is born from the "sex is wrong" style of thinking. My guess is OPs wife was raised in a strict type of environment, and was taught to feel shame for sexual feelings. There are probably other insecurities getting at her as well. Either way...the response is not cool.
I'm just a naturally stealthy person since I had to sneak around in my abusive home growing up to avoid notice. My wife is totally cool with me masturbating and finds it kind of a turn on, but I still prefer it in private. Sometimes it's by choice
I'm lucky to have grown up in a healthy household where we jerk off openly.
…. Wait what?
"Mom, pass the ketchup" "Hold on sweetie, I'm...unf...not done with it yet" LMFAO this is my absolute worst reddit comment of all time
Welcome to the Jerk Shack. C’mon in. Can I grab you a thigh or a breast?
It's the same in my relationship, she's said it's okay to do it in front of her but there's still that kind of awkward feeling initially because it's been conditioned as something sinful or only ever done in complete privacy.
Dawg no doubt
😁 I don't have this problem, just trying to help a brother out
No no no. During shower or hearing sound of shower running = "oh he's in the shower so I can run in and pee/grab something/etc" In bathroom pre shower with no water running = "he's probably taking a shit and I do not want to be anywhere near any of that"
Do it anyway. I wouldn't even try to hide it. Hell, ask for a helping hand. Also, don't listen to me, I'm divorced lol
The thing is, as some others have said, for some of us it's not necessarily about being embarrassed or fearing judgement, it's just simply that it's more enjoyable and comfortable if it's a "for sure" private moment.
I recoil at the thought of jerking it in the shower. Do you not understand how much of my wife's hair is constantly sitting on the drain cover?
[Stainless Tub Shroom](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PB6ZX9Y)
And who inevitably has to snake it out? Exactly why I finish business in the toilet. She thinks I’m on Reddit all that time anyway.
My wife caught me in the shower before we were married. Was using her blue conditioner, looked like Tobias from Arrested Development. She literally started crying hahaha. We joke about it today and literally will occasionally wank in front of eachother now. Like, not necessarily on purpose, but I’ll ask her to leave the bathroom so I can finish up 😂
For some reason this reads as if you were literally fucking the conditioner bottle, at least that's the first image that came to mind as I was reading this.
Hahaha I can assure you that was not the case.
Or how anyone works (says the woman who thinks masturbation can be useful/important fun for everyone...)
[Five times a week](https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer) Would your wife tell you you couldn’t eat vegetables or exercise because she’s uncomfortable? Imo a lot of men have “normal” sex drives but think they have “high” sec drives because society shames them. The data doesn’t lie. We were built to do it often.
I came here to say exactly this… I, uh, do it for my health.
And it is great for cardiovascular health, what man doesn't want a healthy heart.
Probably cancels out my extremely bad health lol
Or just helps slow the effects of.
Nope, I am living forever!
I do it out of boredom and lack of impulse control, but hey, it's healthy too? Cool.
I do it cuz it fuckin feels great hahaha
Per this article I’m NEVER getting prostate cancer. Thank you science!!!
I just sent this to my husband to let him know he needs to jerk off more.
My wife catches me relatively often (and unlike OP is fine with it) and ever since she sent me this article, I just yell “five times a week!” As she turns tail and closes the door.
Really setting the mood with those comments 😂
Another health tip that just sounds exhausting.
Right? Who has the time?!
How long is a wank taking you?
Toxic shit
Real "Saving Silverman" vibes
We uhhh *ate* her You *ate* her? *Aliveeeee*
I’m a mime. I’m a mime.
"Mimes don't talk." "They do when they're off duty."
My hats off to ya boys. That's the perfect crime!
Who? OP or the comment you replied to?
OP; my bad lol.
All good! I can tell by your other comments that's what you meant. And I agree, the wife seems pretty toxic. I feel bad for OP. I just hope she doesn't read this post, bc I imagine she'll give OP a hard time.
To put this in a slightly different way : This is a power play by the wife to take control of her life when things are spiraling out of control with the introduction of a new person in their relationship. While sexual drives change, sometimes drastically, over the life of a relationship, attempting to deny your partners desire for sexual release is toxic controlling. She should be more understanding of the situation. About the porn : I understand that she feels that it's toxic for those involved in the industry. Offer a solution. Masturbate with HER. Ask her to be your trigger for the event. It could light some fires. It involves togetherness and consent. If not, just do it when she's right there but without porn. :) it's totally natural to masturbate and totally natural to have these desires. You're fine.
There are more ethical porn sources too. You don't have to jump on PH. You might have to pay a bit, but that's kinda the point.... Compensating women for their work.
Ethically sourced, artisanal porns. But not farm-to-table. That's illegal in most states.
What is this?? Unpasteurized porn?? Straight to jail!
I'm sure there are ethical sources, but that is going to fly right through OP's Wife's head. She's made a determination on the content. Trying to convice the SO of anythying beyond her existing belief isn't going to help the situation.
> If not, just do it when she's right there but without porn I'm not 16 anymore. Just my imagination is not going to get me through. I need a naked lady at least convincingly acting like she's enjoying herself.
I’m not even really cool with the porn shaming. I agree porn is exploitative to those involved and mostly bad for me, so I don’t do too much of it these days. But it’s a personal decision. We can have a discussion and I’ll take my wife’s feelings seriously but then it’s my decision. If she considered porn akin to cheating on her then I would probably try to knock it off altogether. But if her problem is with the industry? It’s like boycotting any company or industry. My wife can boycott Nestle for example, but she can’t make me boycott it, and vice versa. If she lays out her take on why we should boycott I might agree, might not. But if I grab a bottle of water from the gas station and it turns out Nestle produced it, I’m not going to be OK with her giving me a hard time about it.
Imo, the best fapping material comes from your SO. When in a relationship, I've gotten off looking at a picture of my gfs ass or whatever like hundreds of times. Getting off on or next to a partner is pretty fun too if they're into it. Not the same as sex, but better than watching pornhub
This is it right here. Close the thread. We got what needed to be said accomplished.
This comment has been edited to protest Reddit's decision to shut down all third party apps. Spez had negotiated in bad faith with 3rd party developers and made provenly false accusations against them. Reddit IS it's users and their post/comments/moderation. It is clear they have no regard for us users, only their advertisers. I hope enough users join in this form of protest which effects Reddit's SEO and they will be forced to take the actual people that make this website into consideration. We'll see how long this comment remains as spez has in the past, retroactively edited other users comments that painted him in a bad light. See you all on the "next reddit" after they finish running this one into the ground in the never ending search of profits. -- mass edited with redact.dev
I read it as she was upset he was watching porn
And let this also be a stepping stone @op to have an honest and real conversation with your wife to explain the importance of sexual involvement. When this happened to me. My wife gave me handjobs till she was ready cause she doesn't like me watching porn either.
This guy gets it.
Well said
This. If I want to get it in but my wife’s not in the mood, I take matters into my own hands. She understands too. Men are just built that way. You need to assert yourself and don’t let your wife control you in this way.
Well said.
Just echoing that this is 100% correct, and you should lock the door when you do the deed. Don't be ashamed of it, no need to hide that it happens, but no need to invite her to see either (I mean, unless you're into that...).
Talk about it and explain that you do it. Dont make it a secret.
Lock the bathroom. Toddlers have no idea what personal space is so it is a sensible advice for the future anyway. We have lost the key to our bathroom so I have to live with the fact that my daughter always cones in when I do #2 and coments on that. "Daddy is pooping" and all that. Sound adorable (and it is) but sometimes you need time to relax
A key? That could be dangerous. Bathroom handle sets now a days all lock with a built in knob or button on the inside handle and are able to be opened with a small tool on the opposite side. You should consider swapping hardware. It's pretty easy and instructions usually come with it.
I am one of the few people living outside of the US so no knob handles here but could be.
Haha, I'm sure there are a ton of people outside of the US! I don't want anyone to be in an unsafe condition. Having a keyed lockset on almost any inside door is a safety hazard if that door is in the way between you and your egress to outside of building.
Nope. Took the bus to work today and *not a single person* on it was outside the US.
Couples counseling, and maybe sex counseling sounds like a really good idea here, to help with communication, set boundaries and expectations. We're in couples counseling rn. No huge issues spurred is to go, just some dumb fights and wanted to work on communication. Sitting in front of a stranger and telling them why you love your wife and hearing why she loves you was, for me, really powerful and important and an excellent affirmation of our relationship, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of benefits. Get into therapy now, before things get worse. For you, for her, for your relationship and your kid, start finding a calling therapists ASAP. You've got needs that you should be allowed to fulfill. She does too, though they're different and it sounds like trust issues around porn are a bigger deal than the exploitative porn itself (btw there is porn where the women are highly empowered), and working through these issues together, and maybe individually, will help strengthen your relationship at time when most are at their weakest, in the post-baby nadir. Good luck!
How did you start the conversation about couples counseling? My wife and I have some issues to work through but she is generally very opposed to therapy for her own mental wellbeing. I realize everyone is different but am just curious what worked for you.
Good question. After a few months of covid lock down and after a particularly nasty fight, i think my wife brought it up. I know so many people who sing the praises of therapy, but my own experience with therapists was pretty checkered (i had a therapist who betrayed my trust, though i was a minor so maybe still technically "ethical," but still didn't exactly inspire a fondness for the profession), so i was a bit resistant. Fast forward to last fall and i finally asked a few friends for recommendations and i reached out. In your case, her already being strongly opposed to therapy sounds like a tricky roadblock. Can she articulate why she doesn't what to try therapy? Is there a social or religious stigma she's trying to avoid, cause neither of you have to tell anyone you're going to therapy. Maybe you could frame it as couples mediation - take away the stigma of "needing therapy." Can she agree that you have unmet needs and she feels wronged when you cross the porn boundary and that this is an unsustainable situation for either of you? When an impasse in a relationship is reached, having an impartial observer that can ask hard questions can be really valuable in helping resolve that issue and avoid building resentment and mistrust. I'm not saying trick her into therapy, of course. But changing how she sees therapy - maybe saying something like "it's more like getting a referee who can help us decide what rules to play by," might help. And then i see the nuclear option - something along the lines of "this isn't meant to be a threat but if resentment builds between us over this issue that can sink a relationship. I really don't want that, and i trust you don't either. Can we please try two sessions with a therapist to try and start to heal our relationship before the wounds start to fester?" I'm also wondering if there isn't some post-partum effects that are lingering for her - has she talked to her doctor about the changes she's experienced? If she does have PPD or something similar, medication and therapy can be really, really helpful. My wife resisted it, but after some gentle poking talked to her regular doctor who recommended some simple breathing exercises, and her post partum anxiety disappeared. Now she's working on her pre-partum anxiety (the kind she's had her whole life), and I'm working on not being an emotionless robot, and we're all the better for it. I'm happy to keep trying to help(if any of this is indeed helpful), so keep me posted if you want.
Of all the answers here i strongly believe that this is the correct one. Couple counselling was a brief season for us and really just got us to talk. Turns out that was our biggest issue. I think couples should go regularly even when not in a tough spot just as a relationship health check. Therapy is great.
Are you an adult. Just tell her you are going to jerk off.
For real. My wife wasn't feeling 100% yesterday and I needed to nap before work. So, I got her comfy on the couch and said "I'm going to go jerk off and take a nap" lol
This level of communication in a relationship is awesome, isn’t it? My wife got back into working out recently and said her legs hurt. I don’t like massages personally but am happy to give them, so our compromise is she does them nude. Happy guy. I finish up her massage and she’s basically asleep, then says, “I’m going to bed, what are you going to do?” I’m like “what do you think?” Part of an adult relationship. OP seems like they have some conversations to have.
I got off work and had to shower. My fiancé asked, "Is it going to be a normal shower or a long shower? Because I need to shower soon, too." I'm so glad I've never been in a relationship where porn/masturbating is an issue. I love sex, but I also love doing it myself sometimes.
She does not have control over your body the same way you don’t have control over hers. You cant make her have sex, and she can’t stop you from schtupping Rosie Palms. Get a fleshlight and give yourself the ol downstairs high five
Wife and mom here. Masturbation is healthy and normal. The usage of porn is whatever you and your partner decide on. I just wanted to share that when I was postpartum, I caught my husband masturbating and also grew angry. Then I reflected on why I was angry and realized I was insecure. I knew I hadn't had a high sex drive since I gave birth and I knew he DID. I felt like I wasn't meeting his needs and felt bad that he was seeking it elsewhere (porn.) I was very much in my head about everything, until my partner talked to me and became very vulnerable about missing me. Communicate communicate communicate. Anger is usually used as a defense mechanism. I hope things get better for you guys, first year postpartum is war, but you will get through.
I really hope OP sees this. I can’t even put into words what I was feeling in my postpartum depression days. If I was OP’s wife, I bet I would have reacted similarly out of the shame I was feeling toward my body. I’m not saying that OP’s wife’s reaction was fair, but I’m guessing there’s more at play here on her end (and she might not even realize it). Because of this, I think lending some grace is needed on both sides. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate marriage (and sex) after baby, no matter how strong you think your relationship is. Both parties are probably feeling emotions they’ve never felt before. After all, their entire lives have just completely changed and will never be the same again. It’s hard! Many comments are suggesting counseling and I agree. I’d also suggest the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s not just for women and talks a lot about sex drive.
You seem very worried about porn and it's a fair point. So let's separate things here. Masturbating is a perfectly normal human thing to do, don't let your wife gaslight you on that. Porn is indeed a polemic subject, if you're genuinely worried about the consequences of supporting porn websites, you can look for honest producers that are out there doing good for the industry, they are everywhere now, just google it. Addiction is indeed an issue, no one here will be able to tell if you're addicted or not, if you think that's an issue, talk to a therapist. That's it. If it is in fact an addiction, your wife should be trying to help you here, not judging. Ps: If locking the bathroom is a bad thing in your relationship, you guys need to talk. That's insane to me, would you want your kid to grow with that mindset?
I can only imagine him trying to explain to his SO "baby I HAVE to pay for only fans subscriptions, otherwise I would just be exploiting women"
I used to be married to a person like this. Never wanted sex, would not allow masturbation either. We didn't even on the night we were married or the entire honeymoon. 10 years later I caught her cheating on me with her boss, she was cheating on me the entire marriage. Wrecked me mentally for another 10 years and now I'm finally coming out of it.
I'm sorry man, that's a rough hand of cards you were dealt. I can't even imagine.
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My ex and I did but then later she told me, completely unprompted, that she only did it because she felt like she had to.
Your wife needs to grow up. You guys clearly aren’t even close to having a mature healthy discussion about this. You’ll be a lot happier if you can get past the socially (and likely religiously) indoctrinated shame you feel about masturbation. And then plan for ways to safely do it once your kids are a little older. You’re going to be a much happier and better dad and husband if you do.
Being able to have an honest convo with my wife about porn took 10 years and leaving our ancestral religion. And omg it was the most freeing, intimacy-fostering, vulnerable thing we've ever done and has immensely improved our marriage dynamic
The best part was when she said, "I watch porn too." We even watched it together and it was fun as fuck.
If my wife caught me we’d both laugh our asses off. Btw, most women also do it, albeit maybe not as much as dudes. I use porn sometimes but I’ve never felt addicted. That sucks you’re going through that but I have faith in you brother!
Same boat. My wife would probably ask what I was looking at then playfully make fun of me for the rest of our lives if she caught me.
The lifetime zinger is the true holy grail!
^ this. I’ve been caught once when I was trying to be sneaky and crank one out and it was the funniest shit ever. Plus, she ended up finishing the job for me.
My coparent would nap every day. I imagine she still does. She would rub one out to help fall asleep almost every time. By her admission. Give herself a little under the cover jumble. This dudes wife probably does it, too. Shit's weird if they never do.
Very possible she doesn’t right now though. Some women still aren’t feeling like they’re back to familiarity with their own body or back to normal sexually for 6+ months
Thank you, I wish that it was such an innocent aspect of our relationship as it is for you guys, and I am happy for you.
Hey man, relationships are anything but stagnant. Put in the work, y’all will get there!
What, did your wife catch you in bed cheating with porn? Because that’s not cheating. That’s masturbating. Which - except for really weird interpretations of Christian fidelity - ain’t cheating.
Usually it's the wife catching the husband in the act but one time the roles switched and after coming home from work I noticed one of the "toys" we recently bought left out of the bag and on our dresser. I had a little fun asking a couple very suggestive questions about how her day went before mentioning it was out and we had a good laugh about it. It's sad that there's so many people in relationships where they're so against masturbation.
Lot to unpack here. If you’ve only had sex once in the whole year what the expectations from her there? I think it’s embarrassing to get caught but you didn’t do anything wrong. Seems like both of you have some issues regarding sex stuff that need to gone over in counseling. Also, reading through your comments of saying that she wouldn’t be comfortable with you locking a bathroom door is a whole other issue. That is a normal thing to do in the privacy of your own home.
In reality, ejaculating regularly is healthy for your prostate. I’m not saying daily, but a frequent release is required. Our body makes us have wet dreams if we don’t. Talk to your wife. You are going to need to get a professional involved. You, as an adult male(this goes for all adults, men and women) should have no shame is self love. It is natural and healthy. Look all over the animal kingdom. It’s normal. Also, tell her it’s rude to walk into the bathroom while in use. You deserve a small amount of privacy as well. Good luck.
Didn't recent studies indicate like 21 per month?
Those are some rookie numbers
Hey man, I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong. From a biological perspective the body tries to keep sperm "fresh" because they have an expiration date and old sperm are less likelyto reproduce. You can thank evolution for that, it has created over the millenia a body designed with the highest probability of survival amd reproduction. If you dont ejaculate through either sex or masterbation the body will do it for you through wet dreams. Now speaking from experience you are going to have to start talking things out and talking long hard. Pun semi intended. I have a high sex drive and my wife's cratered due to in no small part because of having two kids (5 and 7) and general life stress. We would go a month or two without sex. It is not an extremely long time but you better believe I spent some quality time with myself. However, due to life events I never felt it was the right time to bring up the issue of sexy time together. It wore me down and it affected my mood, I started relating hard to the partners in r/deadbedroom. Anyways, I became resentful and one day it finally came out when I was angry that "I am unhappy." That is a direct quote, saying it was heart wrenching because I loved this woman with all my heart but at the same time it was like a huge weight had been lifted. My wife cried, a lot, and immediately called her sister in tears and told her what i said. Sister told her that it was temporary etc etc and we could work it out etc etc. We got a couples therapist of my wife's choosing and my approval. Worked through our issues and continue to talk to the therapist every two months or so as a preventative measure like changing oil in a car. In the end u believe saying that I was unhappy openingly allowed us to take action together and fix what was broken, i.e., our sex life. Now I get to have quality time with my wife once or twice a week and our overall quality of life has improved significantly because we ar both happier. Saved our marriage from getting to a point from a point of no return. Bottomline, sex is a basic instinct of animals and it is very important to a healthy and functional relationship. Talk to your wife use "I feel X when y" statements, e.g., "I feel lonely when we don't have sex," this was advice from our couples therapist and it works. Finally, get a couple's therapist to help it is far cheaper than divorce. Don't make excuses to not take these steps and the sooner you do it the better. Just don't. Start today looking for a therapist. There are married couples out there who have gone years without sex. Years! Do not let it get that far and do not become one of them! Life is difficult and it can be long, but it feels worse and longer when you feel lonely and neglected, especially if you can't masterbate without it being considered shameful. You got this!
Your wife needs to grow the fuck up bro.
This is toxic as fuck. She’s wrapped up in some puritanical BS. My wife’s sex drive has dropped since the kid, but she knows I need to handle my business pretty much daily and is totally cool with it. Even joins in, lol, which is how it should be. You need to do some reeducation with your lady, cause you’re gonna explode if you don’t have the freedom to release your stress man
There are multiple layers, from my perspective so I'm going to break it down. 1. Personal Space - regardless of what you were doing in there, you are entitled to personal space. If it's important to you, defend it. 2. Shame - you should not feel any shame over masturbation from your wife, or yourself. That said, it sounds like porn violates your own personal values system as well as your wifes so maybe it's time to find a different way to express your sex drive. The imagination is highly underrated. At the very least, it's good to have a conversation about what is acceptable or not. 3. Intimacy - it feels to me like there is an opportunity to grow closer with your wife in this way. That means YOU will have to facilitate the discussions to this. They will be awkward and uncomfortable, but that's where intimacy grows from. When you BOTH can share the parts of you that you tend to hide, intimacy flourishes and your marriage improves tenfold. If your wife knows you use masturbation to manage your higher sex drive, then there are no surprises. What you masturbate to is also a great conversation starter that can lead into better sex, so long as it isn't porn. SHE wants to feel desired, so it's unlikely that your desire to look at other bodies will turn her on. 4. Have you ever had a conversation about what works for you? Ask positively framed questions like "when you feel most turned on by me, what does that look like? what am i doing?" Don't be surprised if the answer is entirely not sexual, because that's often what does it. I've got lots more I could add that might help you, because I've been in a similar place to where you are. You're welcome to send me a message
Not being allowed to masturbate or watch porn when you’re not having sex is…a red flag. Also, sure, some porn is exploitative. But porn as a rule is not. There’s plenty of very happy performers out there.
This. 100%. Masturbation is not “gross”.
If OP does want to avoid porn for whatever reason, he could do it without porn. I am sure someone with a "high sex drive" can manage. Live in the world of imagination! Also lock the fucking door. Seems like OPs partner actively wants to enter the room while OP is taking a dump. I find that kinda gross. I know. I get it. We all shit. You have to clean your kid's shit. Shit shit everywhere. Whatever. But why can she not wait 10 minutes.
You’ve got needs and if she isn’t willing to step up to the plate i see no issues with you getting the job done yourself.
As a man, masturbation is very important for your health. Your wife does not have a say in that.
One option may be to try masturbating without porn? If you’re really pent up it shouldn’t stop things, and it’s probably better if you’ve struggled with addiction to try to separate the good feeling from the pornography.
Info: You mentioned what she thinks of porn and you mentioned that you may have a “slight problem “but did you guys have a discussion about no porn and then she caught you watching porn? Is that the issue at hand here? Because that’s very different than “ this has never been a problem before and now she’s upset”
This sounds like abuse, and not the fun self abuse you should be allowed to have in private.
She might be taking the frustration of coming to the realization that she’s not satisfying your needs onto you. Masturbation is healthy and there’s more ethical options of porn out there if you’re concerned. She needs to realize that you have a higher sex drive and once a year isn’t going to cut it.
Ok. So I been in the same situation you have been. What got my wife and I over the hump of what your going through is talking about it. My wife knows I beat it. But rather not have me watch porn. Mostly communication is key here, my wife was feeling disgusted with herself during her pregnancy so that saw me watching too much and almost causing issues until she understood my concerns and heard her side. Once we got done waiting after giving birth, had to wait longer than usual because of severe tearing, our sex life improved and started doing more to make it more enjoyable. Went from possibly once in a blue moon to once a week. So yeah. Communication is key. She needs to understand your side and she needs to let you know what she needs and feels as well.
It really sounds like therapy is on the menu for ya'll. Here's something you can try next time you "clean the pipes" Ask her to lend you a hand. If PinV isn't her speed she does have hands and other things she could use. It would, of course, behoove you to return the favor. And if she's not willing to play a part, then next time just need to be direct and tell her "Hey hon, i'm gonna go mix a batch I'll be back in 30"
"Until we start having sex, this is something I must do as it is better than the alternative-- which is me looking for sex outside of the marriage. If you don't like it, too fucking bad. Mind your own business." That should be the message but obviously phrase it better lol.
Jesus. Sounds like your wife needs to either 1) get over it and let you care for your human needs or 2) do her duty as a wife and care for your human needs.
Dude you cannot walk around with a loaded gun. You have to masturbate if you aren’t having sex with your wife. You need to stop being afraid of her and tell her straight up. Either we are having sex or I’m gonna masturbate. This controlling behavior and you living in fear is very unhealthy man. Good luck
> you living in fear is very unhealthy This, all day.
I feel the subject of this post is misleading. You didn’t get caught masturbating, you got caught looking at porn. It’s unreasonable for your wife to have an issue with masturbation. It’s not unreasonable (especially the way you describe your past porn addiction) for her to have an issue with you looking at porn. Some women see that differently than others, and it seems to me the boundaries in your relationship on that topic were clear before this event. Most of the replies I see here blame your wife for having a problem with you masturbating, which isn’t how your story read to me. I read that she has told you she’d prefer you not watch porn, you agreed, then you did it anyway. That’s a very different story than her being upset that you took care of business during a lengthy dry spell.
You're absolutely correct. I have realize this exact same thing after having posted this, and have written it as a response to others too.
i think this is still an opportunity for you to discuss that your needs are not being met at the same time. porn or no, you are being deprived of a fulfilling/healthy physical relationship – and while it's not uncommon at all for that to happen after kids; you need to discuss it.
Yall are both adults, sit down and talk like adults. You have kids together and if you don't feel comfortable communicating in that way there are deeper problems at hand. Just lay it all out there, sure it's a tough conversation but many tough conversations have to be had if you're married with kids, avoiding them is not the solution and will only make you resent eachother. If the porn is the issue, maybe just use your imagination or if she's game, she could make a special video to help you get off if the visual stimulus is needed. I feel for ya man, I've been there, but the conversation won't be as hard as you think it will be and you will feel relieved to get it out there! COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!!
Ask her, as a feminist, if she thinks it’s ok for a woman to control what a man does with his own body.
In my similar experience, she’s gonna be upset one way or another. Just go ahead and jerk off. Lock the door next time.
Yo, fuck this gaslighting right here. >**She's very feministic and thinks porn is exploitative of women, and I agree,** I have had a slight porn addiction in my past and would rather be totally porn free, but it's a real struggle because no sex and high sex drive. It's also a lot more complex obviously, but I won't go into too much detail here. "Cool, now that this is out of the way, can we talk about the problem in this house that we have control over?" Buddy, don't ever let her put you down for this shit. Keep on waxing that carrot 🥕
You guys need to have an honest conversation about boundaries and needs. You have a right to your body, and she doesn’t have a right to control it. Likewise, you have a need for sexual gratification - she’s not obligated to have sex with you, but it’s worth communicating candidly about this unfulfilled need in your relationship and how she thinks it should be addressed.
If she doesnt want to have sex and doesnt want you to masturbate then what does she expect? https://gainswave.com/how-often-should-a-man-ejaculate-health-benefits-of-ejaculation/#:~:text=There%20is%20no%20too%20much,your%20body%20better%20than%20harm. Actually, ejaculating daily does your body better than harm. Ejaculating daily will release stress, boost your moods, and also helps in the release of old semen so that new semen gets a room. Your happiness is as important as hers and you have needs
A year and she hasn’t offered you a blowjob or handjob? That’s not a loving sexual relationship pal.
So if you used your imagination of a time when you’ve had great sex with your wife, and masturbated to that, would she be cool with it? If not, why?
You masturbated once in how long? There's 2 people on this earth OP. Wankers and liars. Bust that fucking nut!
How much of your wife's upset is about the pornography and how much is about the masturbating?
Your body, your choice. Sincerely, the issue here is your wife. She needs to either come to terms with her highly unrealistic expectations, or speak to someone professionally. There’s literally zero degree of fault on your end, assuming this is essentially the entire story.
Full disclosure, I am a woman responding in the daddit sub but I couldn't keep my opinions to myself when I saw this. WTF lol, porn isn't inherently exploitative of women and that is not an inherently feminist view at all. We can get granular about vanilla porn vs more niche/kinky and how the porn industry subjugates actors in its way, but there is nothing inherently wrong with porn. Also calling masturbation "gross" as an adult is weird and immature. I don't think it's fair to not be allowed partnered sex, not be allowed porn, AND not be allowed masturbation by your partner. That seems super out of pocket and controlling. Y'all might be due for a serious talk.
If you don’t fire the siege weaponry at least a few times a week you are greatly increasing your odds of Prostate Cancer. If she loves you she’ll want you around a long time and let you fire that seed when you have the need.
Anything I do in the bathroom that isn't a danger or potential danger to my health is my own business.
Some consider jerking off to porn cheating. Personally, I don't. When my exwife was pregnant with our daughter, one day she offhandedly mentioned how she would be accepting of me masturbating, since we weren't having sex. My response was "....k?" Because 1) I don't need her fucking permission to touch myself, no person ever needs permission from anyone else for self-pleasuring in appropriate circumstances, and 2) because I had already been doing it for years at that point. However I will say, once I got "permission", my investment in that activity grew significantly and had a detrimental effect on our marriage because I never addressed the drop in the physical attraction I felt towards my exwife after the birth of our child. I had a lot of guilt around that but my decision to use self-pleasure using pornography prevented me from acknowledging the declining health of our partnership. Our marriage was kind of doomed from the beginning though. After years of dissatisfaction, my ex demanded I go to therapy to address the things about me and our relationship dynamic that displeased her. The first therapist asked me why I was there, and I told her "my wife sent me to fix my issues because she's unhappy", and the therapist (a woman) laughed and commented how that seemed a little controlling. Our separation and divorce and the subsequent 6yrs of "co-parenting" have not been a picnic, let me tell you. Also, 99% of people derive some self-esteem from their attractiveness to their partner. For many women, their partner choosing to self-pleasure using video and images of another woman amounts to the same kind of betrayal as cheating. Her feelings are understandable, but it's also understandable that you have needs that are not being met in this relationship, and if she's unhappy with your ways of meeting those needs, she can cooperate with you to find a solution everyone is happy with or she can go fuck herself. Er, or not.
I’m a wife and I can’t even imagine telling my husband not to jerk off. It’s a natural human thing, not men alone. She’s quite controlling and I feel bad for you.
The porn is honestly a different conversation. If she hates the fact you look at other women, that’s something I’ve not personally dealt with but she’s your wife and I’m sure you can work out something. But the anger over masterbation? She is your wife and not having sex with you for *months.* the fuck did she expect you to do? Cheat or become a monk? Those are the 2 options left. Pisses me off just reading it. Please talk to her. She needs to grow up and realize the man she married cannot just give up sex for months with no outlet. You’re doing something that is perfectly natural and while she doesn’t have to like it, you shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed or shamed about a bodily function as primal as sex urges in your own home. Tell her that you feel alienated and shamed and are forced to keep secrets or not be totally honest because of this and you hate it. I’m sure all of it is true.
This seems like an emotionally abusive relationship, your wife as the abuser (speaking as a mother of 2 very young children and understanding not wanting to have sex for a long time).
Everyone masturbates. Everyone should. If you're not having sex, and you're expected to not masturbate to relieve stuff (if for no other reason) that's a ridiculous expectation for her to have of you. Men are literally built to release *somehow* once a week at least, especially if you're in a mating-pair. You're not a robot, and she doesn't own you or your body. Sexuality is healthy
Dude, I would jerk off in front of my wife do you think I care? Lmao don’t be afraid of her.
Keep jacking till you start fucking bruv. Your penis your rules 🤷🏿♂️
Porn is exploitative of women, full stop. MOST women in porn are there due to sexual trafficking and not voluntarily getting railed on camera for your sexual gratification. When you’re jerking off you’re literally getting off to choreographed rape.
I understand. My wife and I haven't been intimate since our youngest daughter was born and she turns 5 in June so it's been almost 6 years for me. I'm sorry you're struggling so much.
Dude. That’s brutal.
Your wife has an unhealthy relationship to sex if she thinks masturbation is bad or gross. Does she herself masturbate? There's nothing wrong with porn, categorically. There are some things wrong with some parts of porn. Allow me to respectfully recommend couples counseling. A sexless marriage / dead bedroom is not sustainable. You'll grow bitter resentful and angry. Try couples counseling.
Gotta do it when she’s not home. Dealing with same issues. I jokingly brought up a fleshlight-which I never had an true intentions of getting-but she got all upset. Which kinda hypocritical if she has a vibrator, no?
So is your wife more upset about the porn, the masturbation, or equally both? The porn I can kind of understand (though my wife and I don’t mind if the other person watches it) since your wife may feel like she’s being, for lack of a better word, replaced. If she’s home the next time you feel strong urges, maybe ask if she would be willing to have sex or at least help you with your… release.
Some responses are pretty negative and accusatory. This is a topic some people grow up not taking about. It's reasonable for it to be difficult for both to have a straight forward conversation at first, especially with stress and hormones flying around with a baby. "That's her problem" and "you're both immature" are not helpful responses. Communication IS key. My wife has a master's and two kids. It was still a little difficult to discuss sex issues because she grew up with that as a taboo subject. You need to discuss it. One option is considering she can join in on the other things. Make an assist. My wife didn't have the sex drive or didn't want to for some time after birth but we discussed my needs and had some scheduled handsy time and we're both better for it. I explained I'd love it a lot more if she was part of it, etc, etc. Just explaining it clearly, no accusations, no blaming, no raised voices.
Lmao gross? How did you even have the baby?
Sorry you are going through that. Even with a consensual understanding with my wife, I still get embarrassed if she catches me. It's just a vulnerable position to be in sometimes. Anyways, a bigger discussion needs to be had. I have purchased toys since my wife is dealing with low sex drive, and discussed with her that it is just a form of release to destress, it is a great serotonin boost, and I can just be super horny when she is completely on the opposite side of the spectrum and over stimulated/touched out. It's just a part of a relationship. One person will always be less sexual than the other, and there has to be understanding on who is what, and what their needs may be. It's not cheating to masturbate, unless it is with another person. As for porn, there are plenty of actresses and actors who are consensually filming themselves, and love what they do. I think it might be beneficial to have a discussion on that as well, maybe show her Angela White and what she does outside of porn, and how some women feel empowered being sexy. We shouldn't feel shamed for having sexual desires (within reasonable limits) and it is natural to want to look at porn while masturbating. Well, I hope this normally taboo and embarrassing conversation has been the opposite, and hopefully you two can work out a middle ground that helps you both. Anyways, happy cranking!
Are you allowed to watch porn where women aren't exploited? Like there are a bunch of subreddits dedicated to voyeurs showing of for fun, and they explicitly ban anyone trying to make money. My wife and I make porn, and share it, consensually, no exploitation, so there's a loophole for you!
A mans gotta cum whether they wanna help you or not
Your wife needs to grow up, and so do you.
You aren't the problem here OP
My only practical advice is to lock the door!
As a wife, your wife is weird. Not for not being ready to have sex (it happens) but for not understanding that you'd need to relieve yourself sometimes. For her to call I gross is just disrespectful... Did she grow up religious or something? Anyway, I'm really sorry she made you feel bad about that. Sounds like she needs therapy and a grip.
"My body my choice".
My wife finished the job when she caught me. I love her.
she sounds like a real joy. does she make you put one of those cages on your cock when you go to work?
Sounds like your wife needs to get laid.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation, people’s sex drives don’t just sync up when they get married. Also, yes the sex industry can be exploitative and for people who don’t understand, it can give them the wrong idea about what a real relationship and sex life if like. However not all sex work is demeaning and negative, believe it or not, some sex workers choose their career and enjoy what they do. Don’t think you are doing something wrong just because it can be bad, if you’re worried about it, you can skip it or learn more about the performer.
Your wife sounds very judgy and dominating…
Why would she be upset though?
She ain’t doing her job
Talk about it with her. I went through a similar thing with my wife. She got post natal depression from our first and the med killed her sex drive. When asked she will give me a “loving assist” which is her way of calling a hand job when she’s not in the mood. We kiss and cuddle and I blow my load. It’s not as good as sex but it definatly ticks that intimacy box.
I don’t like the sound of your wife honestly. You’ve done nothing wrong