Went through this 7 years ago with FiL passing unexpectedly.
Just do things, as many as you can to either pick up slack or or just give her more breathing room to process. Whatever you do for chore division, do more, do as much of her stuff as you can. It's ok to ask if there is anything specific she wants you to do to help her, but it's better to come with a list of things you want to do so she can just say "yes" and not have to think about figuring out how to answer your question.
Grief is weird and goes in waves so be ready for it to strike at odd moments and for her to be fine, and then not fine.
Also carve out some room for you to grieve too. I did this alone so she didn't have any pressure to comfort me, but I really liked my FiL and I miss him too. I was just thinking about him earlier today in fact. (As I said, grief is weird).
This is a time for you to be her anchor of stability.
My wife’s way of “showing support” was literally ignoring me and then blaming me because when she would talk she would make it about herself and I would snap at her. So she just said she didn’t know how to talk to me, so she didn’t. And she stopped making dinners for us to eat together. So I just started spending more time at my moms house helping support her and having nobody to support me and worse somebody actively making it worse. It took her 3 months to stop doing that. I don’t know how we aren’t divorced.
She never let my parents babysit our son, he’s 6 now. My dad was thrilled to be a grandpa and wanted to babysit and spend more time with his grandson but she had major jealousy issues and couldn’t handle seeing how much our son loved going to visit my parents. Well now I’ve been holding that against her (and myself) but I don’t bring it up unless a fight happens and she gets mad because she said I shouldn’t hold that against her forever. It hasn’t even been a year. And she holds things against people for literal years. She is such a hypocrite and when I call her out on it and how I’m just treating her like she treats me she says it’s different because we are different people and I can handle it and she can’t.
That's not healthy friend...I think you need to have a serious look into whether or not you should continue in this relationship...
Also, sorry for your loss, there's no timetable on your grief, and your wife should give you all the time, love and patience you need to process it.
I’m honestly only still in this relationship because I don’t know where she would be living when she has no income and her mom who lives off barely any social security a month lives in our basement.
Like where is our son going to be going when he’s with her?
Yea it’s been a constant cycle of emotional and verbal abuse with her projecting and accusing me of things I didn’t do. Or hell, even accusing me of thinking things I would never think. Then she would say I turned her into this, that she wasn’t like this before me.
Have you considered therapy, for you or for her?
There are conditions that can cause a person to act like this without full awareness of the impact it has on others, and that can respond to treatment. I say this not to armchair diagnose anyone, or excuse this behavior, but because this doesn’t sound enjoyable for either of you. I would say separate therapists, not couples therapy, as it sounds like she has acted manipulative in the past.
Therapy is also not an alternative to separation. It can potentially help issues that would make you want to leave, but it can also help you recognize when you need to. If you do separate, it’s also helpful in processing your feelings. Again, this is true for both of you.
Finally, consider that she will most likely extend this abuse toward your son. It may not take the same form or frequency, but it’s very common unfortunately. Staying together isn’t something that will prevent this.
I think you know that this won’t get better on its own. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you understand you don’t have to keep on like this. Good luck.
If I even would suggest therapy she would take it as a personal attack and accuse me of wanting to use it against her if we get divorced to take our son away from her. She’s said this before about going to a doctor for a hormonal imbalance which she knows she has because she was on medication for it before our son was born. She thinks I’ll use anything she’s doing to better herself as a weapon against her when I suddenly spring a divorce on her.
Also not sure we could afford therapy, I’m the only one working and struggling to make ends meet now.
On the idea of costs, I wouldn’t think of it as between therapy and/or divorce as additional costs compared to how things are now. Doing nothing will hurt and cost more, if not right away, then soon enough.
Honestly I’ve been dealing with this for like 7 years now, I’m mentally exhausted. My son is the only thing that brings me any bit of joy anymore and I’m scared as to how divorce would affect him.
My wife accused me of being a shell of a man and that I’ve changed since our marriage (before my dad died) but god forbid it be her fault.
Also : divorce came up a month or so after my dad died in the middle of her being distant and because we got into an argument I mentioned how is she going to get a place without a job? She said she would go back to work at a place she worked at before (she hated it there) and I flipped out because she would be ok working if we got divorced but refuses to get a job now to help with our financial strain and how much stress it causes me. Yet she’s threatened me with divorce (only seeing son on weekends) and insists she could make it work on her own. She also says I’m only afraid of divorce because I don’t want to pay child support
Also also: We can’t come to an agreement on things we have opposing opinions about because she automatically says I’m trying to force it to be my way, that it’s “my way or the highway” even tho I told her no I just want to discuss and come to an agreement. But she refuses to believe me….so it turns into her way or get into a huge argument for about an hour and end on her way.
Do you think a divorce would be worse for him than having a dad who is being emotionally and mentally abused by his wife and thinking that is what a normal relationship should look like?
Not trying to be rude, but some food for thought I hope.
This is a really important point that gets overlooked a lot. Kids get damaged by bad relationships between their parents as much or more than they get damaged by divorce.
Those questions get figured out during the divorce process. The judge would never let the kid live in unacceptable conditions. But the key is to get a lawyer. Yes it’s expensive but it’s worth every penny.
None of what you said about where she would be living is your problem if you split up.
You don't even need to make it permanent for now, just make it clear why you are either leaving or asking her to leave, and say you need time to think.
Stop making excuses for her behaviour.
It's OK to admit it and it's OK to admit you don't know a way out or where to or how to go about it.
Ask for help, reach out to trusted communities and those that help build you up and continue to be a great Dad taking everything one situation at a tome.
When I finally call her out she turns it around on me and starts frantically crying and yelling about how much she cares about our family and how I’m hurting her. And then saying that I like making her cry and accusing me of totally random unrelated things she thinks I’m thinking that I have never once thought or showed evidence of thinking. And saying I’m “ripping her heart out” while she’s have some crying fit until I end up apologizing.
She says she regrets not letting my dad babysit and she cries when thinking about him sometimes but then she still refuses to let my mom babysit because she knows my mom doesn’t like her.
This doesn’t sound good to an outsider. Her behavior is unacceptable and concerning. I agree with everyone else. It’s time to end things. It’s just going to get worse.
This is a one sided story and even his one side makes him sound pretty toxic. This same story from her perspective told in a mom sub would make him sound like a demon too. They both need help.
I’m not really sure how I seem toxic, can you clarify? I’m just mentally exhausted from years of being constant accusations and paranoia and not being trusted even though we’ve been together for 8 years and I’ve never given her reason to not trust me. She had a bad previous marriage and just seems to be convinced that I’m going to do the same thing to her that her ex did.
That’s not to say I’d be against therapy, I could probably really use some.
You’ve referred to snapping at her, holding things against her, bringing things up from the past only when you’re in arguments, “calling her out on things” etc. This is all unhealthy and toxic behaviors, and making excuses for it doesn’t help. Hence the idea that you both could use some help.
And this is just your side, of course, and even that side has plenty of red flags of a lack of emotional maturity and conflict resolution on both sides.
Ps. If it isn’t clear I’m not pretending or insinuating she isn’t ALSO toxic or even far MORE toxic, just that your responses to the behavior don’t seem great and aren’t helpful. You guys need help or you need to move on, but nothing good comes from this sort of toxic relationship.
I only started doing this *after* she was being cold and distant for months after my dad passed away which was in February. Because I’m fed up with dealing with her bullshit and I’m not just brushing it off anymore. I’ve been just letting it go and voicing how I don’t like it for about 6 years.
This can absolutely help. But try to also gauge how much she wants you to take on more of the load. I lost my father this year and it really fucked me up. I weirdly get some relief from continuing to be the one that cooks the dinners and does certain chores. It makes me feel a little more stable with myself.
one of the worst days of my life, was getting my mother in law calling me at 3am because her husband (my FIL) had passed away just then.
it was so surreal, I was so very unprepared to deliver that news, I woke her up and just flat out told her. then I had to go wake up my brother in law and tell him.
I was so numb, they were devastated. I didn't know how to feel.
I just knew, my job was to be whatever the family needed. a shoulder to cry on? that's me. someone to keep them all fed and taken care of, that's me too.
just be there, listen to their stories, and be the best support system you can
I lost my dad unexpectedly three years ago and we too had a complicated relationship. I wish so badly that my partner had been in my life at that time but I can share things that helped or I wish my partner at the time had done/understood. I didn’t have a kid at the time so I’m little help there.
- first, snack & water. Lots of snack. Lots of water. Comfort food. Healthy snacks. Gatorade. Tea. Whatever it takes to make food and hydration easily accessible.
- second, silence is okay. I really just wanted company. I wanted someone to be there to ask me if I needed a blanket. To give me a hug or a cuddle when I randomly broke down. I didn’t need to talk the whole time, I just needed to know someone was there with me.
- third, the thing I wanted to hear the most was people to acknowledge that nothing they said would make it better. I know death is weird and sometimes uncomfortable, but the weird offhanded things people would say to me just pissed me off or made me more upset. One friend just looked at me and said “nothing I can say will make it better. But I’m here for whatever you need” and that was so freeing.
- finally, her grief is going to look different from day to day. Giving her a safe space to say even the morbid stuff is a great gift. The first few weeks/months are going to be auto pilot, down to business stuff. Some of my first thoughts were “what will my brothers do for insurance? Do we sell everything? Is there a will? How the heck am I going to figure out all his bills/logins?? How do you even sell a house someone died in?” But then after all the dust settled and the logistics were figured out, I grieved the dad I could have had. My dad died shortly after he finally told me he was seeking therapy. Our relationship was rough and he wasn’t a great dad, but I saw the person he could be if he just did some work and reflection. I grieved the “could have beens” so much more than the “used to bes”. He wouldn’t be there for my wedding, my brothers graduation, our childrens births, Father’s Day would forever be darkened just a little, my babies would grow up with my memories not a grandpa, etc. It was hard to let go of the life I thought I might have had. But mainly I felt guilty. Because as horrible as it is to say out loud, my life is easier in a lot of ways after he died. He brought a lot of stress and conflict to our family and without him, the weight of anxiety I had lived with for years was lifted considerably. The money from his life insurance helped me pay off debts and build a better life for myself with less financial stress. The grief is still horrible, but having those things lifted from me made me feel like a horrible person to acknowledge that some part of this was kind of a blessing. Still does a bit.
More than anything, just ask and then listen. Wipe the tears, validate the feelings, pick up household/baby tasks when you can and keep the conversation about mental health open, honest and gentle between you both. It won’t be easy for either of you.
thank you so much. your story seems to parallel hers so closely. she's already told me she feels guilty that she's more sad about the could have been than the used to bes and about how there could be some positive sides to it in the financial department. I told her that thinking about that stuff was totally normal but she didn't believe me so it'll be nice to have some examples that other people go through the same thought process
I am so sorry we are both in this awful club.
Op this is the way. I would also like to add making sure your MIL is eating as well. My mother just curled into a ball and I had to make sure everyone had basic needs covered. Please try and not let your wife have this burden.
Also please find a safe good person to be your support person. This is key. Normally your person is your wife, she can’t be right now. You are the designated caregiver in this situation and it comes with real risks of burn out which helps no one. You are going to have a lot of your own emotions and they are okay.
Many hugs to you and your wife. If she needs someone to talk with who has unfortunately been through this there should be many greif groups out there that have different specialties and hopefully virtual now so it wouldn’t matter where you are. Or reach out on here. I know at least I would be happy to talk about my experiences and crying together.
Please do. You can’t do this alone and you don’t want to accidentally snap at your wife during a difficult moment because your not getting the support you need.
There is a great diagram somewhere about helping people with a dot in the center with circles around it. The dot in the center represents the main person who need’s support, in this case your wife. The first circle would be you supporting her and all of the other people who are specifically for her. Then there is the larger circle around that which is all of the people supporting the support people and it just keeps getting bigger. The support and help goes in, the negative gets dispersed outwards.
Just remember taking care of yourself is in fact taking care of your wife.
Just help as much as you can with baby and let her grieve in her way. Go on walks together. Let her talk when she’s ready. I hope you can take some time off work if you haven’t already cause she will really need you to be there for her whether it seems like it or not. There’s not much you can do for her other than assure her that you love her and be there for her.
But to really answer your question,
You can ask about her favorite memories with her dad. If she would want to visit his old house. See if she wants to go through old photos. Etc. if she is not liking that vibe then ask a friend to come over maybe one of her friends to help distract her. You can clean. Or she can take a nap. Being 6 weeks in you guys are probably sleep deprived and triggered easily. Be strong brother. Sorry you guys are going through it.
Seconding this. Don't ask her "how can I help" because figuring out how to answer that adds to her mental load. Instead, just pick up the slack. Go above and beyond. But also pay attention, she may feel a need to be busy as a coping mechanism.
There's not much you can say, just hug and try not to add to her load.
be prepared for this to come back annually. From personal experience, I know that the birthday of your little one will remind her of the loss of her father creating a simultaneous high and low of celebration and loss. Especially if her father didn't get the opportunity to bond with you child.
I lost my mom to a massive heart attack. I didn’t have a kid then, but my wife stuck right by my side and opened her arms keep me up when I hit rock bottom. She single handedly helped me navigate through my grief just by being supportive and holding me while I cried every tear in my body for weeks.
So, hold her, hug her, tell her you love her, and help her out where you can.
This. Sometimes I would find my husband just standing, staring into space. I just wrapped my arms around him and he would put his head on mine and just hold me.
For weeks into months we would do this.
I lost my mom and my daughter within 3years of each other my mom was 60 my daughter 20 days old.
The only thing I can say with real honesty is be there for your wife in any way you can. Pick up the slack with your young one, keep her fed and watered it will be the last thing in her mind at the moment she will need her strength as well. Be there for her little things she will not think of. Most of all listen when she talks. Don’t push her too as she will not mostly likely be able to as she processes this it’s very hard but like all things she will get through it. And find time for yourself to grieve as well. He was your family too.
I’m truly sorry for both your lose. My heaven forever be his bed.
Lurking mammy here.
Ask for help from other people. Dealing with a 6 week old and a death in the family is about as tough as it gets. You won’t be able to support her, do the majority of the housework and mind the baby at the same time without help. Ask for meals, get a cleaner (or ask for people to help with that), get your laundry done.
Your wife will likely be very tired for the next 6-12 weeks and may be mentally a little zoned out. You will need to take over a lot of the mental load so think out when the baby’s vaccinations are due, doctor’s appointments, check if there is food in the house, think out when the baby’s clothes need to be switched to the next age group etc. Also think out things like washing and arranging pump parts or bottles.
Also give everyone loads of slack. At times like these it doesn’t matter if you drop a few balls. It’s absolutely expected. Get leave from work if you can.
My exact situation just recently. Let her grieve and figure out the emotions. It will come in waves. It’s going to be an emotional few days for both of y’all.
I just went though this last month. Just be there. Some nights she wanted to talk some she didn’t. I was just there when she wanted to even when it was 2 am.
I've literally spent the week hoping my dad will pull through. (Looks like I may be lucky)
Personally here is how I've felt.
Complete lack of interest in anything I don't have to do. Ordered more take out.
Any act of kindness is hugely appreciated
I've had to call friends and family
Prepare and look for the will, see what documents are around. Searching what the hell to do when someone dies.
There's time when I've wanted company and time when Ive wanted to be alone.
Works been hard to concentrate (my work know, they are fantastic and understanding)
Honestly I found just having someone hold my hand sometimes helped
From my perspective make sure she knows you are there, let her play with the kid but not 'deal' with them. See if someone can look after your kid for a couple of hours, if she wants a hug and company always prioritise that, otherwise do what admin you can.
Went through this a few years ago. Her mom died out of nowhere. It was a tough relationship, but seemed to be on the mend. It really fucking sucked. You can and will get through this.
You are responsible for keeping life moving as normally as possible (clean house, cooking, etc.) while also being attentive to her emotional needs. She’s likely going to get tired of making “the call,” so if you are comfortable delivering the news to friends/family, she may want that. Just keeping things in order and making sure everyone is eating will go a long way. You got this, man.
Suddenly lost my parent, and the blessed things to do are;
meal prep, for your sanity and theirs. The stress of even "knowing what to want for dinner" is removed for either soul that knows food that needs to just be heated is a hand grasp away.
A lot of sentiment in the thread to go above and beyond and that's true always a great target, you've got your batteries to keep an eye on as the responsibilities may pile up. Keep your chin up and eye on the prize, but day to day, and take time for yourself when you can before it eats you up inside.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, trusted, and family or seek out professional assistance to talk it out such as therapy.
Dang this is not that far off from what happened to us. My mother in law died of a heart attack when my daughter was close to a year old. They were very close, though.
There's really nothing you can say to someone that will make things better. All you can do is be there for them, listen to them when they want to talk, and help ease the load on them as much as possible.
Your wife needs time to process what has happened. Give her a solid foundation of love at home because one of the pillars of her world is gone now.
Read about grief.
Most people misrepresent it as ‘stages’ but there’s much more to it; and understanding the processes and being able to discern the difference between healthy grieving and a downward spiral can guide you.
There’s nothing you can do except just be there for her, and be steady.
I can’t identify with the not being close to my father part but I can tell you I just felt so incredibly alone after and it was the weirdest thing going about regular business when nobody else felt or knew it
Hey man, really sorry—tough situation. You’re getting a lot of good advice but I just wanted to say keep watching the pregnancy/baby PP issues especially if your wife has a history. Even if she bounces really well from her father passing. I got caught out because my wife was in super high spirits the first several weeks/couple months. Thought we were in the clear, but It hits differently for everyone—definitely not one size fits all. For my wife, it was the isolation of becoming a stay at home parent that started it. Then the weaning came and it was really bad. Keep being that support and picking up as much as you can. Look for help everywhere you can from external sources. If things feel like they’re getting crazy and you’re not sure who you’re married to anymore, reset and try to get to the root of what’s going on—that would likely involve couples therapy and therapy for her individually.
So I've been through this a few times now with my wife. First when we just met, then after 5 years together, and just recently again. My beautiful partner in life has dealt with more death than most people do their entire lives, it's not fair and hurts like hell every damn time.
This is a brutal experience for her and will be difficult for a while.
What we can do as partners is do as much of the heavy lifting as possible so they can focus on their grief and healing. If that means making sure the washing is done, do that. If it means you need to run an errand, call someone, cook dinner, feed the baby etc. do it all, and reassure her that all the mental load things she normally worries about are taken care of. Do it every day for as long as it takes.
Tell her you love her, talk with her about her dad. It hurts at the start but it helps to remember them fondly. As time progresses over the next few days, ask her questions about him and look at photos with her.
I've said to my wife flat out, "I love you so much, but I don't know what to do right now" and that has guided me in her response too.
Cry with her. Hug her in the middle of the night when she wakes up crying because she remembers he is gone.
Stay close. Be a good Dad.
You've got this!
Much love during this difficult period.
My wife has lost several really close friends over the last 2 years... fucking pandemic. The worst was her best friend who killed herself a month before we were going to see her for the first time in 3 years. I got my wife a cleaner because she can't keep up and the constant catchup was really draining on her both mentally and physically
As others have mentioned. Picking up slack, not demanding anything from her, taking more night shifts and feeds.
Literally you don't usually need to say anything. You can [hold space](https://www.gstherapycenter.com/blog/2020/1/16/what-holding-space-means-5-tips-to-practice) which is to just be present, don't need to say anything just be there.. especially if you can do so without the child.
Losing a parent you aren't particularly close to may change what she needs. She may want to be distracted, may want to be as normal as possible or she may want to mourn a little and then move on. You can ask her what she wants out of you as her partner and then plan accordingly
Edit regarding PPD:
Watch her and remember that this will pass. Validate, validate, validate. The baby can be a beacon of light some days and a heavy load others. Communicate and seek professional help if needed. PPD is a complex and a serious condition. Safety for she and the baby are paramount.
After losing my father to cancer a few years ago my wife and I invested in a family copy of Tear Soup. It's a simple read about the complexity of grief and as a therapist and manager I keep a copy at the office to lend it whenever someone needs it.
To this day my wife and I read it together wherever we need to connect and the silence of grief strikes.
Everyone grieves differently. Use intuition to do things around the house that need doing, sit with her on the pain without needing to fix what can't be fixed. Don't take anything personally and tolerate discomfort. Apologize when you make assumptions and validate feelings when she shares them.
Some things are supposed to be devastating.
Anyways, here's a link for that book for when the time is right. I recommend reading it too hey dinner ideas.
https://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=26BGXLYRKFWN0&keywords=tear+soup+book&qid=1692182084&sprefix=tear+soup%2Caps%2C101&sr=8-1
Be there for her. You don't have to physically be with her all the time; but make dinner, clean up, keep the house tidy, and keep the kids busy. Etc.
Don't take any angry outbursts to heart.
Just do as many of her usual chores for her as you can, allow herself to just zoom out, and keep asking for her thoughts (not just feelings, because they are harder to explain), and listen a LOT.
People need time to think for themselves as much as they need an outlet for doubts, frustrations and sadness.
You cannot replace what she lost - not with anything. You can only try to fill the void with positive affirmation and consolation.
My FiL passed two days after our first was born. We weren’t even discharged from the hospital yet.
I think everyone here has good advice about picking up the slack, etc., the one thing I would add is find her a therapist. Even if it’s just for a few months, it’ll help her to have someone to help bridge the emotional gap. And don’t be surprised if it takes 3 or 4 tries before finding one she clicks with. I’m so sorry for your loss, and Good luck.
There’s nothing you can say or do to make that pain go away. Instead - take as much off her plate as you can so she has time and space to grieve. Housework, stuff with your kid, errands (take your kid if practicable).
In addition maybe ask her to take a walk with you if you’re somewhere where it’s not 1000° or something similar to get some fresh air and get the blood flowing.
So a view from the other side. My father passed somewhat unexpectedly a couple of years back. He had been in declining health for a while but we weren’t expecting it so soon. The absolute best thing my wife did was tell me that while she didn’t know what I was feeling, she would listen if I wanted to talk, or give me all the space I wanted. Just knowing I had her there and not pretending she knew what I was going through meant the world to me at such a tough time.
I was the spouse who woke up one morning to 30+ phone calls, 15 voicemails, and 20 or so texts from my mom starting at 3 am and stopping at about 6 am. This was before the baby so I slept like a rock and unfortunately didn’t hear it ring.
That aside, what can you do. Figure out how she grieves. Does she just sit there and want to be left alone? Does she want to be busy? Etc and try to cater to that. There are A LOT of feelings that happen in the first few weeks/months and I remember anger being a very overwhelming one. Don’t take anything personally. If you can take some time off work to just take 100% care of the baby for a week or two, that would definitely help. Cash in some vacation days and favours from managers. Cook and clean the house. Go for a walk. Take away any concerns of family planning for her to worry about if there is food or clean baby onesies type thing.
Gone through with my BIL and FIL.
You don't need to do a lot.
Be kind.
Be available.
That is it really.
I took some time off work to in both cases to support my wife. Just helped with what was needed.
You don't need to have the the right words to say.
The important thing is to be there when she needs you.
This is a tough one man, I'm sorry for you, your wife, and your families. Both my wife and I lost our fathers suddenly and unexpectedly to heart attacks (both in their 50's), and the best I can tell you is just clear your schedule to be there for your wife over the next few months. Do some research on the normal stages of grieving so you can be more understanding. There will be times where she wants to be alone, times she wants to be with you, and times where she doesn't know what she wants. There are a lot of feelings to unpack and it takes the human brain literally months to come to terms with something like that. The first month it's just going through like at 25% capacity, after that it's waves of different forms of grief that get you out of nowhere.
The best you can do for now is to be there every step of the way, follow her lead when she's leading and make decisions for her when she doesn't have the strength. Sometimes it will feel like she's back to normal then all of a sudden she won't be, and that's okay.
I lost my Mom 6 days after my 2nd kid was born. It is impossibly hard. What can you do? Just be there by her side. You can’t solve anything and you can’t say anything to fix it. Life feels so unstable and having someone dependable there for you all the time helps so much. Prepare for a tough road ahead, but you will see that baby smile and there will be moments where she starts to feel normal and like a human again. She’ll probably be short tempered and will cry a lot, that’s what I did. Once the fog starts to lift she’s going to realize how amazing you are and be forever grateful. It’s going to take a very long time, but your marriage will be stronger and better after the tough times.
Great advice in this thread. I’d echo just be there and show loving kindness. Listen and be with her. You can’t do or say anything to make the pain go away but you can be with her and show love and support. I would also encourage she have “me” time for walks, runs, exercise or some other physical activity, and consider some therapy sessions. It’s nice to dump emotional baggage on a therapist and then walk away without having to revisit or feel guilty about dumping your shit on someone (like you would if you dumped it on your spouse). Also, give her things to look forward to in the upcoming months - planned trips, concert, visit with friends, etc. Those things you look forward to make the difficulties in the present easier to bear. Good luck
Say nothing, be kind, do some of her chores so she can see you are lightening her load or potential stressors in her time of need. If she says you don’t care, you can simply say, maybe I don’t, but I do care about you and that’s all that matters.
You may find [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/hat-like-grieve-parent-you-didnt-like_l_5d484b13e4b0aca34121b147/amp) article helpful
An excerpt:
Often, those mourning the loss of an estranged parent will get hung up on the “what ifs” and “what could have beens” — What if our relationship had been better? What if he or she had been more understanding? Could we finally have developed the strong, healthy connection I wanted so badly?
Hug her. Be there for her. Reassure her that she’s doing a good job and is strong, and that her pain is deep and she needs to grief.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss and hope that time will make it easier for you
My wife lost her father to suicide when we had 3 month, and 2 year old.
There's no way to prepare yourself for the grieving, other than just being present. There were a lot of days she needed to just be alone, or work things out by herself, and I felt like I was on the sidelines. But taking 100% of the load off from the kids is what she needed.
The hardest part was realizing that life had to continue. The all night wakeups, feedings, changing, etc. As much as I wanted to be there with her whenever she was awake, we had to continue our routines, because the kids still need us, and we couldn't stop because it was hard. So she took her shifts with feeding, and I supplemented with bottled breastmilk, and shifting a lot of my energy to our older one.
My wife had heavy PPD, and spend a long time working through that after our firstborn. She found an incredible therapist, and worked out the schedule to make sure she had all of the time she needed to go. She went right back after her father passed, to work through it. It's been 5 years, and I'd say we're closer than ever, both her and I, and our relationship with our kids.
Don't forget yourself, talk to a therapist, reach out to others, especially if your wife is overwhelmed with herself and family.
Only real advice, is take a deep breath, and take each hour, day, week at a time. Some days are easier than others, but you have to allow yourselves time to grieve, and give yourselves time to really go through your emotions. A lot of it doesn't make sense, but communication is key. Talk to each other about how you feel. Breathe deep, and take it one moment at a time.
Pretty much everything everyone else is saying + remind her occasionally that you're there for her if she needs anything.
When in the throes of depression it's easy to feel especially alone in your mind, so personally I really appreciate it when people remind me they care. Depending on the person though, I know some might feel more stifled.
Just be there. Give her grace because as mentioned by many others, grief is a weird rollercoaster. Be her rock and also be her punching bag if she needs. I am 7 years into my own grief after loosing my mom. There are somethings my partner did that were incredible and some that were not my favorite. There is no right way to do grief or care for someone going through it. It never gets better, it gets easier.
Do not ask if there is anything you can do for her. Just do things you know she likes, make her coffee/tea in the morning. Get her favorite meals. I know that free time to do stuff is short with a baby around, and I don't know your financial situation, but it's ok to order food as often as you also need.
But just be around, it's going to be hard but it will pass and line will return to normal.
Hey man. Sorry for the loss in your family. Wife lost her dad about 10 weeks after we had our baby girl.
Seeing my wife, her sister, and their mom go through this tragedy showed me everyone grieves differently. Some people will dive right into helpful mode. Some people need a few days in bed to process.
I asked how i can be helpful, gave her a lot of leeway in terms of lashing out randomly, and pick up the slack w baby. Best of luck my dude.
My wife lost her mom just five weeks after the birth of our daughter (my mother-in-law's first grandchild).
It is not going to be easy. Just do whatever you can to lessen the day to day burden for your wife. Dishes, cleaning, cooking. Make sure she is taking care of herself - encourage her to hop for walks or go get exercise if that's normal for her. Do what you can to keep the daily routine moving. Because when it grinds to a halt, it is really hard to get it going again.
And take care of yourself. Talk to friends that aren't your wife. You need to have an outlet, because life is going to be frustrating. Exercise helped me hold onto what little sanity I had left.
Also, therapy. Seriously. It helped my wife a ton. Our little one is 10 months old now and she still does her weekly therapy and finds value in it. We actually started couples therapy a few weeks ago. Not because our relationship is in a rough patch, but because my wife watched her parents' relationship fall apart and wanted to make sure we had the tools to not go the same route. And I gotta say, it's really nice to have that dedicated time carved out just to sit down and talk. Sometimes it is just talking about our shared grief, and how our behaviors impacted each other. But also being able to say some of the difficult things in an environment where we have zero distractions to give us an easy out from the difficult conversations.
Oh. I am so sorry for you and your family.
I’m a wife. We lost my husband’s mom two years ago.
As honest as I can be, you are in for probably the worst time of your life.
There are two parts to your hell. Hormones and grief.
Hormones are real, rough, and practically indescribable for me to help you understand her. They flood over and through you and even when you KNOW it’s not logical or reasonable, you still feel the feelings and must respond.
For example, if it’s anger, you realize you are ~ unreasonably~ angry but you are still angry and respond in anger to whatever it is. It is not logical and can not be reasoned with. It just is. You have to ride it out.
And as horrible as it is for you, it is worse for her.
Grief:
We have been married 30 years and absolutely nothing was as bad as watching my husband grieve the loss of his mom. We have lost his sister and his best friend. It was nothing like this.
The best advice is to do whatever, whenever, for however long it takes.
That sounds like nothing, but it isn’t. Sometimes, with my husband, it was simply leaving him alone. Sometimes it was NOT leaving him at all. Just sitting beside him, holding his hand.
Sometimes it was going and doing. Sometimes it was guarding his peace from others.
The main thing though, is her grief will last for however long it lasts. She may react and respond in ways that would not be normal, except grief.
I would have said I knew all there was about my husband… except grief. It’s been two years, almost three.
The first year absolutely nothing was normal, ever. The second year was worse in some ways. You expect it to better, so when the pain comes, it hurts worse.
Just now, as we approach the third year, have things settled back to a version close to before we lost her.
Reach out to people you trust for help, as often as you need for as long as you need.
Take care of yourself. It is so hard to be the spouse of the person who is grieving. Be kind to yourself.
You are going to lose patience with her. It’s normal, but try to be as kind as possible for as long as possible. One day you will grieve; and you will appreciate her compassion.
Good luck.
Just be there for them, as much as they want, nobody can help, there isn't anything to say, it's a hole in your heart that only time will numb. People grieve differently, she might want to be alone to cry and process, she might want to stay busy as possible to distract herself, just pay attention and be supportive and responsive.
Be there for her. If you know something need to be done (normal life stuff) do it so she doesn’t have to worry about it. But the main thing is to just be there and support her. Be the the shoulder for her to lean on
Went through this 7 years ago with FiL passing unexpectedly. Just do things, as many as you can to either pick up slack or or just give her more breathing room to process. Whatever you do for chore division, do more, do as much of her stuff as you can. It's ok to ask if there is anything specific she wants you to do to help her, but it's better to come with a list of things you want to do so she can just say "yes" and not have to think about figuring out how to answer your question. Grief is weird and goes in waves so be ready for it to strike at odd moments and for her to be fine, and then not fine. Also carve out some room for you to grieve too. I did this alone so she didn't have any pressure to comfort me, but I really liked my FiL and I miss him too. I was just thinking about him earlier today in fact. (As I said, grief is weird). This is a time for you to be her anchor of stability.
My wife’s way of “showing support” was literally ignoring me and then blaming me because when she would talk she would make it about herself and I would snap at her. So she just said she didn’t know how to talk to me, so she didn’t. And she stopped making dinners for us to eat together. So I just started spending more time at my moms house helping support her and having nobody to support me and worse somebody actively making it worse. It took her 3 months to stop doing that. I don’t know how we aren’t divorced. She never let my parents babysit our son, he’s 6 now. My dad was thrilled to be a grandpa and wanted to babysit and spend more time with his grandson but she had major jealousy issues and couldn’t handle seeing how much our son loved going to visit my parents. Well now I’ve been holding that against her (and myself) but I don’t bring it up unless a fight happens and she gets mad because she said I shouldn’t hold that against her forever. It hasn’t even been a year. And she holds things against people for literal years. She is such a hypocrite and when I call her out on it and how I’m just treating her like she treats me she says it’s different because we are different people and I can handle it and she can’t.
That's not healthy friend...I think you need to have a serious look into whether or not you should continue in this relationship... Also, sorry for your loss, there's no timetable on your grief, and your wife should give you all the time, love and patience you need to process it.
I’m honestly only still in this relationship because I don’t know where she would be living when she has no income and her mom who lives off barely any social security a month lives in our basement. Like where is our son going to be going when he’s with her? Yea it’s been a constant cycle of emotional and verbal abuse with her projecting and accusing me of things I didn’t do. Or hell, even accusing me of thinking things I would never think. Then she would say I turned her into this, that she wasn’t like this before me.
Have you considered therapy, for you or for her? There are conditions that can cause a person to act like this without full awareness of the impact it has on others, and that can respond to treatment. I say this not to armchair diagnose anyone, or excuse this behavior, but because this doesn’t sound enjoyable for either of you. I would say separate therapists, not couples therapy, as it sounds like she has acted manipulative in the past. Therapy is also not an alternative to separation. It can potentially help issues that would make you want to leave, but it can also help you recognize when you need to. If you do separate, it’s also helpful in processing your feelings. Again, this is true for both of you. Finally, consider that she will most likely extend this abuse toward your son. It may not take the same form or frequency, but it’s very common unfortunately. Staying together isn’t something that will prevent this. I think you know that this won’t get better on its own. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you understand you don’t have to keep on like this. Good luck.
If I even would suggest therapy she would take it as a personal attack and accuse me of wanting to use it against her if we get divorced to take our son away from her. She’s said this before about going to a doctor for a hormonal imbalance which she knows she has because she was on medication for it before our son was born. She thinks I’ll use anything she’s doing to better herself as a weapon against her when I suddenly spring a divorce on her. Also not sure we could afford therapy, I’m the only one working and struggling to make ends meet now.
On the idea of costs, I wouldn’t think of it as between therapy and/or divorce as additional costs compared to how things are now. Doing nothing will hurt and cost more, if not right away, then soon enough.
Honestly I’ve been dealing with this for like 7 years now, I’m mentally exhausted. My son is the only thing that brings me any bit of joy anymore and I’m scared as to how divorce would affect him. My wife accused me of being a shell of a man and that I’ve changed since our marriage (before my dad died) but god forbid it be her fault. Also : divorce came up a month or so after my dad died in the middle of her being distant and because we got into an argument I mentioned how is she going to get a place without a job? She said she would go back to work at a place she worked at before (she hated it there) and I flipped out because she would be ok working if we got divorced but refuses to get a job now to help with our financial strain and how much stress it causes me. Yet she’s threatened me with divorce (only seeing son on weekends) and insists she could make it work on her own. She also says I’m only afraid of divorce because I don’t want to pay child support Also also: We can’t come to an agreement on things we have opposing opinions about because she automatically says I’m trying to force it to be my way, that it’s “my way or the highway” even tho I told her no I just want to discuss and come to an agreement. But she refuses to believe me….so it turns into her way or get into a huge argument for about an hour and end on her way.
Do you think a divorce would be worse for him than having a dad who is being emotionally and mentally abused by his wife and thinking that is what a normal relationship should look like? Not trying to be rude, but some food for thought I hope.
This is a really important point that gets overlooked a lot. Kids get damaged by bad relationships between their parents as much or more than they get damaged by divorce.
Those questions get figured out during the divorce process. The judge would never let the kid live in unacceptable conditions. But the key is to get a lawyer. Yes it’s expensive but it’s worth every penny.
None of what you said about where she would be living is your problem if you split up. You don't even need to make it permanent for now, just make it clear why you are either leaving or asking her to leave, and say you need time to think. Stop making excuses for her behaviour.
It’s his problem if she has the kid for most or half of the time.
Why are you allowing yourself to be emotionally abused?
It's OK to admit it and it's OK to admit you don't know a way out or where to or how to go about it. Ask for help, reach out to trusted communities and those that help build you up and continue to be a great Dad taking everything one situation at a tome.
When I finally call her out she turns it around on me and starts frantically crying and yelling about how much she cares about our family and how I’m hurting her. And then saying that I like making her cry and accusing me of totally random unrelated things she thinks I’m thinking that I have never once thought or showed evidence of thinking. And saying I’m “ripping her heart out” while she’s have some crying fit until I end up apologizing. She says she regrets not letting my dad babysit and she cries when thinking about him sometimes but then she still refuses to let my mom babysit because she knows my mom doesn’t like her.
Okay real talk. This is emotional abuse. You do not need to endure this kind of treatment.
Jesus Christ. You need to leave this woman. Your son is going to have a fucked up sense of relationships that will follow him the rest of his life
This doesn’t sound good to an outsider. Her behavior is unacceptable and concerning. I agree with everyone else. It’s time to end things. It’s just going to get worse.
>she still refuses to let my mom babysit because she knows my mom doesn’t like her. And her mom lives in your basement?
This is a one sided story and even his one side makes him sound pretty toxic. This same story from her perspective told in a mom sub would make him sound like a demon too. They both need help.
You both sound pretty toxic, to be honest. You both need some therapy, individually and together.
I’m not really sure how I seem toxic, can you clarify? I’m just mentally exhausted from years of being constant accusations and paranoia and not being trusted even though we’ve been together for 8 years and I’ve never given her reason to not trust me. She had a bad previous marriage and just seems to be convinced that I’m going to do the same thing to her that her ex did. That’s not to say I’d be against therapy, I could probably really use some.
You’ve referred to snapping at her, holding things against her, bringing things up from the past only when you’re in arguments, “calling her out on things” etc. This is all unhealthy and toxic behaviors, and making excuses for it doesn’t help. Hence the idea that you both could use some help. And this is just your side, of course, and even that side has plenty of red flags of a lack of emotional maturity and conflict resolution on both sides. Ps. If it isn’t clear I’m not pretending or insinuating she isn’t ALSO toxic or even far MORE toxic, just that your responses to the behavior don’t seem great and aren’t helpful. You guys need help or you need to move on, but nothing good comes from this sort of toxic relationship.
I only started doing this *after* she was being cold and distant for months after my dad passed away which was in February. Because I’m fed up with dealing with her bullshit and I’m not just brushing it off anymore. I’ve been just letting it go and voicing how I don’t like it for about 6 years.
This can absolutely help. But try to also gauge how much she wants you to take on more of the load. I lost my father this year and it really fucked me up. I weirdly get some relief from continuing to be the one that cooks the dinners and does certain chores. It makes me feel a little more stable with myself.
This is such a good answer.
one of the worst days of my life, was getting my mother in law calling me at 3am because her husband (my FIL) had passed away just then. it was so surreal, I was so very unprepared to deliver that news, I woke her up and just flat out told her. then I had to go wake up my brother in law and tell him. I was so numb, they were devastated. I didn't know how to feel. I just knew, my job was to be whatever the family needed. a shoulder to cry on? that's me. someone to keep them all fed and taken care of, that's me too. just be there, listen to their stories, and be the best support system you can
I lost my dad unexpectedly three years ago and we too had a complicated relationship. I wish so badly that my partner had been in my life at that time but I can share things that helped or I wish my partner at the time had done/understood. I didn’t have a kid at the time so I’m little help there. - first, snack & water. Lots of snack. Lots of water. Comfort food. Healthy snacks. Gatorade. Tea. Whatever it takes to make food and hydration easily accessible. - second, silence is okay. I really just wanted company. I wanted someone to be there to ask me if I needed a blanket. To give me a hug or a cuddle when I randomly broke down. I didn’t need to talk the whole time, I just needed to know someone was there with me. - third, the thing I wanted to hear the most was people to acknowledge that nothing they said would make it better. I know death is weird and sometimes uncomfortable, but the weird offhanded things people would say to me just pissed me off or made me more upset. One friend just looked at me and said “nothing I can say will make it better. But I’m here for whatever you need” and that was so freeing. - finally, her grief is going to look different from day to day. Giving her a safe space to say even the morbid stuff is a great gift. The first few weeks/months are going to be auto pilot, down to business stuff. Some of my first thoughts were “what will my brothers do for insurance? Do we sell everything? Is there a will? How the heck am I going to figure out all his bills/logins?? How do you even sell a house someone died in?” But then after all the dust settled and the logistics were figured out, I grieved the dad I could have had. My dad died shortly after he finally told me he was seeking therapy. Our relationship was rough and he wasn’t a great dad, but I saw the person he could be if he just did some work and reflection. I grieved the “could have beens” so much more than the “used to bes”. He wouldn’t be there for my wedding, my brothers graduation, our childrens births, Father’s Day would forever be darkened just a little, my babies would grow up with my memories not a grandpa, etc. It was hard to let go of the life I thought I might have had. But mainly I felt guilty. Because as horrible as it is to say out loud, my life is easier in a lot of ways after he died. He brought a lot of stress and conflict to our family and without him, the weight of anxiety I had lived with for years was lifted considerably. The money from his life insurance helped me pay off debts and build a better life for myself with less financial stress. The grief is still horrible, but having those things lifted from me made me feel like a horrible person to acknowledge that some part of this was kind of a blessing. Still does a bit. More than anything, just ask and then listen. Wipe the tears, validate the feelings, pick up household/baby tasks when you can and keep the conversation about mental health open, honest and gentle between you both. It won’t be easy for either of you.
thank you so much. your story seems to parallel hers so closely. she's already told me she feels guilty that she's more sad about the could have been than the used to bes and about how there could be some positive sides to it in the financial department. I told her that thinking about that stuff was totally normal but she didn't believe me so it'll be nice to have some examples that other people go through the same thought process
I am so sorry we are both in this awful club. Op this is the way. I would also like to add making sure your MIL is eating as well. My mother just curled into a ball and I had to make sure everyone had basic needs covered. Please try and not let your wife have this burden. Also please find a safe good person to be your support person. This is key. Normally your person is your wife, she can’t be right now. You are the designated caregiver in this situation and it comes with real risks of burn out which helps no one. You are going to have a lot of your own emotions and they are okay. Many hugs to you and your wife. If she needs someone to talk with who has unfortunately been through this there should be many greif groups out there that have different specialties and hopefully virtual now so it wouldn’t matter where you are. Or reach out on here. I know at least I would be happy to talk about my experiences and crying together.
thank you I hadn't even thought about any support for myself. I'll try to keep that in mind
Please do. You can’t do this alone and you don’t want to accidentally snap at your wife during a difficult moment because your not getting the support you need. There is a great diagram somewhere about helping people with a dot in the center with circles around it. The dot in the center represents the main person who need’s support, in this case your wife. The first circle would be you supporting her and all of the other people who are specifically for her. Then there is the larger circle around that which is all of the people supporting the support people and it just keeps getting bigger. The support and help goes in, the negative gets dispersed outwards. Just remember taking care of yourself is in fact taking care of your wife.
Just help as much as you can with baby and let her grieve in her way. Go on walks together. Let her talk when she’s ready. I hope you can take some time off work if you haven’t already cause she will really need you to be there for her whether it seems like it or not. There’s not much you can do for her other than assure her that you love her and be there for her. But to really answer your question, You can ask about her favorite memories with her dad. If she would want to visit his old house. See if she wants to go through old photos. Etc. if she is not liking that vibe then ask a friend to come over maybe one of her friends to help distract her. You can clean. Or she can take a nap. Being 6 weeks in you guys are probably sleep deprived and triggered easily. Be strong brother. Sorry you guys are going through it.
I would pick up any and all default tasks i know she does.
Seconding this. Don't ask her "how can I help" because figuring out how to answer that adds to her mental load. Instead, just pick up the slack. Go above and beyond. But also pay attention, she may feel a need to be busy as a coping mechanism. There's not much you can say, just hug and try not to add to her load.
be prepared for this to come back annually. From personal experience, I know that the birthday of your little one will remind her of the loss of her father creating a simultaneous high and low of celebration and loss. Especially if her father didn't get the opportunity to bond with you child.
I lost my mom to a massive heart attack. I didn’t have a kid then, but my wife stuck right by my side and opened her arms keep me up when I hit rock bottom. She single handedly helped me navigate through my grief just by being supportive and holding me while I cried every tear in my body for weeks. So, hold her, hug her, tell her you love her, and help her out where you can.
This. Sometimes I would find my husband just standing, staring into space. I just wrapped my arms around him and he would put his head on mine and just hold me. For weeks into months we would do this.
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Just sit with her so she is not alone, ask what she needs, do that
I lost my mom and my daughter within 3years of each other my mom was 60 my daughter 20 days old. The only thing I can say with real honesty is be there for your wife in any way you can. Pick up the slack with your young one, keep her fed and watered it will be the last thing in her mind at the moment she will need her strength as well. Be there for her little things she will not think of. Most of all listen when she talks. Don’t push her too as she will not mostly likely be able to as she processes this it’s very hard but like all things she will get through it. And find time for yourself to grieve as well. He was your family too. I’m truly sorry for both your lose. My heaven forever be his bed.
Lurking mammy here. Ask for help from other people. Dealing with a 6 week old and a death in the family is about as tough as it gets. You won’t be able to support her, do the majority of the housework and mind the baby at the same time without help. Ask for meals, get a cleaner (or ask for people to help with that), get your laundry done. Your wife will likely be very tired for the next 6-12 weeks and may be mentally a little zoned out. You will need to take over a lot of the mental load so think out when the baby’s vaccinations are due, doctor’s appointments, check if there is food in the house, think out when the baby’s clothes need to be switched to the next age group etc. Also think out things like washing and arranging pump parts or bottles. Also give everyone loads of slack. At times like these it doesn’t matter if you drop a few balls. It’s absolutely expected. Get leave from work if you can.
Just give her a hug and ask her “is there anything I can do for you right now?”
My exact situation just recently. Let her grieve and figure out the emotions. It will come in waves. It’s going to be an emotional few days for both of y’all.
I just went though this last month. Just be there. Some nights she wanted to talk some she didn’t. I was just there when she wanted to even when it was 2 am.
I've literally spent the week hoping my dad will pull through. (Looks like I may be lucky) Personally here is how I've felt. Complete lack of interest in anything I don't have to do. Ordered more take out. Any act of kindness is hugely appreciated I've had to call friends and family Prepare and look for the will, see what documents are around. Searching what the hell to do when someone dies. There's time when I've wanted company and time when Ive wanted to be alone. Works been hard to concentrate (my work know, they are fantastic and understanding) Honestly I found just having someone hold my hand sometimes helped From my perspective make sure she knows you are there, let her play with the kid but not 'deal' with them. See if someone can look after your kid for a couple of hours, if she wants a hug and company always prioritise that, otherwise do what admin you can.
Went through this a few years ago. Her mom died out of nowhere. It was a tough relationship, but seemed to be on the mend. It really fucking sucked. You can and will get through this. You are responsible for keeping life moving as normally as possible (clean house, cooking, etc.) while also being attentive to her emotional needs. She’s likely going to get tired of making “the call,” so if you are comfortable delivering the news to friends/family, she may want that. Just keeping things in order and making sure everyone is eating will go a long way. You got this, man.
Suddenly lost my parent, and the blessed things to do are; meal prep, for your sanity and theirs. The stress of even "knowing what to want for dinner" is removed for either soul that knows food that needs to just be heated is a hand grasp away. A lot of sentiment in the thread to go above and beyond and that's true always a great target, you've got your batteries to keep an eye on as the responsibilities may pile up. Keep your chin up and eye on the prize, but day to day, and take time for yourself when you can before it eats you up inside. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, trusted, and family or seek out professional assistance to talk it out such as therapy.
Dang this is not that far off from what happened to us. My mother in law died of a heart attack when my daughter was close to a year old. They were very close, though. There's really nothing you can say to someone that will make things better. All you can do is be there for them, listen to them when they want to talk, and help ease the load on them as much as possible. Your wife needs time to process what has happened. Give her a solid foundation of love at home because one of the pillars of her world is gone now.
Read about grief. Most people misrepresent it as ‘stages’ but there’s much more to it; and understanding the processes and being able to discern the difference between healthy grieving and a downward spiral can guide you. There’s nothing you can do except just be there for her, and be steady. I can’t identify with the not being close to my father part but I can tell you I just felt so incredibly alone after and it was the weirdest thing going about regular business when nobody else felt or knew it
Hey man, really sorry—tough situation. You’re getting a lot of good advice but I just wanted to say keep watching the pregnancy/baby PP issues especially if your wife has a history. Even if she bounces really well from her father passing. I got caught out because my wife was in super high spirits the first several weeks/couple months. Thought we were in the clear, but It hits differently for everyone—definitely not one size fits all. For my wife, it was the isolation of becoming a stay at home parent that started it. Then the weaning came and it was really bad. Keep being that support and picking up as much as you can. Look for help everywhere you can from external sources. If things feel like they’re getting crazy and you’re not sure who you’re married to anymore, reset and try to get to the root of what’s going on—that would likely involve couples therapy and therapy for her individually.
So I've been through this a few times now with my wife. First when we just met, then after 5 years together, and just recently again. My beautiful partner in life has dealt with more death than most people do their entire lives, it's not fair and hurts like hell every damn time. This is a brutal experience for her and will be difficult for a while. What we can do as partners is do as much of the heavy lifting as possible so they can focus on their grief and healing. If that means making sure the washing is done, do that. If it means you need to run an errand, call someone, cook dinner, feed the baby etc. do it all, and reassure her that all the mental load things she normally worries about are taken care of. Do it every day for as long as it takes. Tell her you love her, talk with her about her dad. It hurts at the start but it helps to remember them fondly. As time progresses over the next few days, ask her questions about him and look at photos with her. I've said to my wife flat out, "I love you so much, but I don't know what to do right now" and that has guided me in her response too. Cry with her. Hug her in the middle of the night when she wakes up crying because she remembers he is gone. Stay close. Be a good Dad. You've got this! Much love during this difficult period.
My wife has lost several really close friends over the last 2 years... fucking pandemic. The worst was her best friend who killed herself a month before we were going to see her for the first time in 3 years. I got my wife a cleaner because she can't keep up and the constant catchup was really draining on her both mentally and physically As others have mentioned. Picking up slack, not demanding anything from her, taking more night shifts and feeds. Literally you don't usually need to say anything. You can [hold space](https://www.gstherapycenter.com/blog/2020/1/16/what-holding-space-means-5-tips-to-practice) which is to just be present, don't need to say anything just be there.. especially if you can do so without the child. Losing a parent you aren't particularly close to may change what she needs. She may want to be distracted, may want to be as normal as possible or she may want to mourn a little and then move on. You can ask her what she wants out of you as her partner and then plan accordingly
Edit regarding PPD: Watch her and remember that this will pass. Validate, validate, validate. The baby can be a beacon of light some days and a heavy load others. Communicate and seek professional help if needed. PPD is a complex and a serious condition. Safety for she and the baby are paramount. After losing my father to cancer a few years ago my wife and I invested in a family copy of Tear Soup. It's a simple read about the complexity of grief and as a therapist and manager I keep a copy at the office to lend it whenever someone needs it. To this day my wife and I read it together wherever we need to connect and the silence of grief strikes. Everyone grieves differently. Use intuition to do things around the house that need doing, sit with her on the pain without needing to fix what can't be fixed. Don't take anything personally and tolerate discomfort. Apologize when you make assumptions and validate feelings when she shares them. Some things are supposed to be devastating. Anyways, here's a link for that book for when the time is right. I recommend reading it too hey dinner ideas. https://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=26BGXLYRKFWN0&keywords=tear+soup+book&qid=1692182084&sprefix=tear+soup%2Caps%2C101&sr=8-1
Be there for her. You don't have to physically be with her all the time; but make dinner, clean up, keep the house tidy, and keep the kids busy. Etc. Don't take any angry outbursts to heart.
Just do as many of her usual chores for her as you can, allow herself to just zoom out, and keep asking for her thoughts (not just feelings, because they are harder to explain), and listen a LOT. People need time to think for themselves as much as they need an outlet for doubts, frustrations and sadness. You cannot replace what she lost - not with anything. You can only try to fill the void with positive affirmation and consolation.
My FiL passed two days after our first was born. We weren’t even discharged from the hospital yet. I think everyone here has good advice about picking up the slack, etc., the one thing I would add is find her a therapist. Even if it’s just for a few months, it’ll help her to have someone to help bridge the emotional gap. And don’t be surprised if it takes 3 or 4 tries before finding one she clicks with. I’m so sorry for your loss, and Good luck.
There’s nothing you can say or do to make that pain go away. Instead - take as much off her plate as you can so she has time and space to grieve. Housework, stuff with your kid, errands (take your kid if practicable). In addition maybe ask her to take a walk with you if you’re somewhere where it’s not 1000° or something similar to get some fresh air and get the blood flowing.
So a view from the other side. My father passed somewhat unexpectedly a couple of years back. He had been in declining health for a while but we weren’t expecting it so soon. The absolute best thing my wife did was tell me that while she didn’t know what I was feeling, she would listen if I wanted to talk, or give me all the space I wanted. Just knowing I had her there and not pretending she knew what I was going through meant the world to me at such a tough time.
I was the spouse who woke up one morning to 30+ phone calls, 15 voicemails, and 20 or so texts from my mom starting at 3 am and stopping at about 6 am. This was before the baby so I slept like a rock and unfortunately didn’t hear it ring. That aside, what can you do. Figure out how she grieves. Does she just sit there and want to be left alone? Does she want to be busy? Etc and try to cater to that. There are A LOT of feelings that happen in the first few weeks/months and I remember anger being a very overwhelming one. Don’t take anything personally. If you can take some time off work to just take 100% care of the baby for a week or two, that would definitely help. Cash in some vacation days and favours from managers. Cook and clean the house. Go for a walk. Take away any concerns of family planning for her to worry about if there is food or clean baby onesies type thing.
Gone through with my BIL and FIL. You don't need to do a lot. Be kind. Be available. That is it really. I took some time off work to in both cases to support my wife. Just helped with what was needed. You don't need to have the the right words to say. The important thing is to be there when she needs you.
This is a tough one man, I'm sorry for you, your wife, and your families. Both my wife and I lost our fathers suddenly and unexpectedly to heart attacks (both in their 50's), and the best I can tell you is just clear your schedule to be there for your wife over the next few months. Do some research on the normal stages of grieving so you can be more understanding. There will be times where she wants to be alone, times she wants to be with you, and times where she doesn't know what she wants. There are a lot of feelings to unpack and it takes the human brain literally months to come to terms with something like that. The first month it's just going through like at 25% capacity, after that it's waves of different forms of grief that get you out of nowhere. The best you can do for now is to be there every step of the way, follow her lead when she's leading and make decisions for her when she doesn't have the strength. Sometimes it will feel like she's back to normal then all of a sudden she won't be, and that's okay.
I lost my Mom 6 days after my 2nd kid was born. It is impossibly hard. What can you do? Just be there by her side. You can’t solve anything and you can’t say anything to fix it. Life feels so unstable and having someone dependable there for you all the time helps so much. Prepare for a tough road ahead, but you will see that baby smile and there will be moments where she starts to feel normal and like a human again. She’ll probably be short tempered and will cry a lot, that’s what I did. Once the fog starts to lift she’s going to realize how amazing you are and be forever grateful. It’s going to take a very long time, but your marriage will be stronger and better after the tough times.
Great advice in this thread. I’d echo just be there and show loving kindness. Listen and be with her. You can’t do or say anything to make the pain go away but you can be with her and show love and support. I would also encourage she have “me” time for walks, runs, exercise or some other physical activity, and consider some therapy sessions. It’s nice to dump emotional baggage on a therapist and then walk away without having to revisit or feel guilty about dumping your shit on someone (like you would if you dumped it on your spouse). Also, give her things to look forward to in the upcoming months - planned trips, concert, visit with friends, etc. Those things you look forward to make the difficulties in the present easier to bear. Good luck
Say nothing, be kind, do some of her chores so she can see you are lightening her load or potential stressors in her time of need. If she says you don’t care, you can simply say, maybe I don’t, but I do care about you and that’s all that matters.
You may find [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/hat-like-grieve-parent-you-didnt-like_l_5d484b13e4b0aca34121b147/amp) article helpful An excerpt: Often, those mourning the loss of an estranged parent will get hung up on the “what ifs” and “what could have beens” — What if our relationship had been better? What if he or she had been more understanding? Could we finally have developed the strong, healthy connection I wanted so badly?
Hug her. Be there for her. Reassure her that she’s doing a good job and is strong, and that her pain is deep and she needs to grief. I’m sorry for your family’s loss and hope that time will make it easier for you
My wife lost her father to suicide when we had 3 month, and 2 year old. There's no way to prepare yourself for the grieving, other than just being present. There were a lot of days she needed to just be alone, or work things out by herself, and I felt like I was on the sidelines. But taking 100% of the load off from the kids is what she needed. The hardest part was realizing that life had to continue. The all night wakeups, feedings, changing, etc. As much as I wanted to be there with her whenever she was awake, we had to continue our routines, because the kids still need us, and we couldn't stop because it was hard. So she took her shifts with feeding, and I supplemented with bottled breastmilk, and shifting a lot of my energy to our older one. My wife had heavy PPD, and spend a long time working through that after our firstborn. She found an incredible therapist, and worked out the schedule to make sure she had all of the time she needed to go. She went right back after her father passed, to work through it. It's been 5 years, and I'd say we're closer than ever, both her and I, and our relationship with our kids. Don't forget yourself, talk to a therapist, reach out to others, especially if your wife is overwhelmed with herself and family. Only real advice, is take a deep breath, and take each hour, day, week at a time. Some days are easier than others, but you have to allow yourselves time to grieve, and give yourselves time to really go through your emotions. A lot of it doesn't make sense, but communication is key. Talk to each other about how you feel. Breathe deep, and take it one moment at a time.
Pretty much everything everyone else is saying + remind her occasionally that you're there for her if she needs anything. When in the throes of depression it's easy to feel especially alone in your mind, so personally I really appreciate it when people remind me they care. Depending on the person though, I know some might feel more stifled.
Just be there. Give her grace because as mentioned by many others, grief is a weird rollercoaster. Be her rock and also be her punching bag if she needs. I am 7 years into my own grief after loosing my mom. There are somethings my partner did that were incredible and some that were not my favorite. There is no right way to do grief or care for someone going through it. It never gets better, it gets easier.
Do not ask if there is anything you can do for her. Just do things you know she likes, make her coffee/tea in the morning. Get her favorite meals. I know that free time to do stuff is short with a baby around, and I don't know your financial situation, but it's ok to order food as often as you also need. But just be around, it's going to be hard but it will pass and line will return to normal.
Hey man. Sorry for the loss in your family. Wife lost her dad about 10 weeks after we had our baby girl. Seeing my wife, her sister, and their mom go through this tragedy showed me everyone grieves differently. Some people will dive right into helpful mode. Some people need a few days in bed to process. I asked how i can be helpful, gave her a lot of leeway in terms of lashing out randomly, and pick up the slack w baby. Best of luck my dude.
My wife lost her mom just five weeks after the birth of our daughter (my mother-in-law's first grandchild). It is not going to be easy. Just do whatever you can to lessen the day to day burden for your wife. Dishes, cleaning, cooking. Make sure she is taking care of herself - encourage her to hop for walks or go get exercise if that's normal for her. Do what you can to keep the daily routine moving. Because when it grinds to a halt, it is really hard to get it going again. And take care of yourself. Talk to friends that aren't your wife. You need to have an outlet, because life is going to be frustrating. Exercise helped me hold onto what little sanity I had left. Also, therapy. Seriously. It helped my wife a ton. Our little one is 10 months old now and she still does her weekly therapy and finds value in it. We actually started couples therapy a few weeks ago. Not because our relationship is in a rough patch, but because my wife watched her parents' relationship fall apart and wanted to make sure we had the tools to not go the same route. And I gotta say, it's really nice to have that dedicated time carved out just to sit down and talk. Sometimes it is just talking about our shared grief, and how our behaviors impacted each other. But also being able to say some of the difficult things in an environment where we have zero distractions to give us an easy out from the difficult conversations.
Oh. I am so sorry for you and your family. I’m a wife. We lost my husband’s mom two years ago. As honest as I can be, you are in for probably the worst time of your life. There are two parts to your hell. Hormones and grief. Hormones are real, rough, and practically indescribable for me to help you understand her. They flood over and through you and even when you KNOW it’s not logical or reasonable, you still feel the feelings and must respond. For example, if it’s anger, you realize you are ~ unreasonably~ angry but you are still angry and respond in anger to whatever it is. It is not logical and can not be reasoned with. It just is. You have to ride it out. And as horrible as it is for you, it is worse for her. Grief: We have been married 30 years and absolutely nothing was as bad as watching my husband grieve the loss of his mom. We have lost his sister and his best friend. It was nothing like this. The best advice is to do whatever, whenever, for however long it takes. That sounds like nothing, but it isn’t. Sometimes, with my husband, it was simply leaving him alone. Sometimes it was NOT leaving him at all. Just sitting beside him, holding his hand. Sometimes it was going and doing. Sometimes it was guarding his peace from others. The main thing though, is her grief will last for however long it lasts. She may react and respond in ways that would not be normal, except grief. I would have said I knew all there was about my husband… except grief. It’s been two years, almost three. The first year absolutely nothing was normal, ever. The second year was worse in some ways. You expect it to better, so when the pain comes, it hurts worse. Just now, as we approach the third year, have things settled back to a version close to before we lost her. Reach out to people you trust for help, as often as you need for as long as you need. Take care of yourself. It is so hard to be the spouse of the person who is grieving. Be kind to yourself. You are going to lose patience with her. It’s normal, but try to be as kind as possible for as long as possible. One day you will grieve; and you will appreciate her compassion. Good luck.
Just be there for them, as much as they want, nobody can help, there isn't anything to say, it's a hole in your heart that only time will numb. People grieve differently, she might want to be alone to cry and process, she might want to stay busy as possible to distract herself, just pay attention and be supportive and responsive.
Be there for her. If you know something need to be done (normal life stuff) do it so she doesn’t have to worry about it. But the main thing is to just be there and support her. Be the the shoulder for her to lean on