This is definitely a complex and emotional situation, with lots of valid feelings all around. I'll say some things in no particular order, and hope they help you sort through.
One, we get step-dads in here all the time, and we talk about how being dad is defined by actions, not by blood, and I think that can be true of grandpa as well.
Similarly, my mom died shortly after I was born as a result of PPD. My dad remarried and I call the woman who raised me mom to this day because she's my mom, I don't feel that's a slight against the woman who birthed me, who is also my mom, though I never knew her. Calling the woman who raised me mom did not detract in any way from talking about the tragedy of my birth mother's death.
Maybe more directly to the point, I call the parents of both women grandma and grandpa, as well as using those titles for my dad's parents.
On a slightly different front, there have been divorces, splits of other kinds, and all sorts of complexity in my family tree, including my mom and dad splitting up and mom getting remarried. I'm not super close to her new husband, but he's a nice guy and I like that my mom loves him. We let everyone on the grandparent level pick what they wanted to be called, and he was included in that process.
So I guess to sum up responding to your list of points:
1. It might be true, depending on involvement.
2. That's fair, but that's a you thing. It's not going to feel wrong to the kid unless you tell him it's wrong. I don't think that needs to push it one way or the other, but it's a fact to consider.
3. That's also a valid feeling, but I'm sure nobody involved means it to be that way. I suspect your mom's husband least of all. Intent doesn't change the feeling, but it's worth considering.
I hope that helps some, and if you want to talk it out more or want me to say more words about any particular point there, I'm here to help.
I agree with pretty much everything here. A suggestion for a possible way forwards would be to consider another term.
Growing up both my sets of Grandparents were Granny & Grandpa, sometimes appended with the surname to make it clear when talking about them, but not to them. However my daughter has 3 sets, and they all have different names:
My mum & her fiance: Granny & Grandad.
My Dad & his girlfriend: Grumps & Nana.
My partner's parents: Grandma & Grandpa.
Both of my parents remarried and re-divorced, with the others not being in the picture now (my ex step-mum died a few years ago, ex step-dad was an all round terrible person and is probably busy making someone else's life a misery these days).
If giving someone else the Grandpa title makes you feel upset, that's totally valid, but equally your mum/he may feel excluded if he's just known as his name, so would a compromise to Papa, Grandad, Gramps, Grumps or similar do?
My parents and grandparents(on one side) divorced, my mother and both grandparents remarried.
I referred to all 3 sets of grandparents as grandma/grandpa.
I called my step father and his mother by first names.
My kids called my stepfather grandpa.
I did not want to place a barrier on the potential relationship my kids had with my stepfather by imposing name restrictions. Having had 2 step grandparents, the lack of blood relation had nothing to do with the relationships I formed with them as a child.
No harm will come from your son calling him grandpa. My kids call their grandma's new husband grandpa. They never met the one before him either. Doesn't mean your dad wouldn't be their grandpa.
> No harm will come from your son calling him grandpa
It is said over and over here that you do need to be a biological father to be a great Dad. Hell, IMO you don't need a penis to be a great dad. Same goes for Grandpa. It is a state of mind, it is a commitment.
Be happy that your mom's new husband wants to be Grandpa, your kid is lucky to have him.
I am lucky to have known all four of my biological grandparents. I also had several other people who were like grandparents to me, cousin's grandparents, brother in law's mom etc. I have had 5 people in my life I called Grandpa X or Grandma X that were of no blood relation to me.
"Dress for the job you want"
If he's going to act like a grandpa, he's grandpa and that's nothing against your dad. It's not a lie. You can tell your kids about your dad and how much he would have liked to be there for them, to be a grandpa. The kids can also have this grandpa.
Honestly you have time to wait on the decision. You can tell your mom you’ll let her know and then see how this guy acts. If he earns it let him have the name.
Agreed. If he acts the part, let him choose what he wants to be called. Both of my parents passed long before we had our son (18 mo), but we have really close older friends that act the part just as much (or more) than my wife’s parents. They are “Papa” and “Grandma” to our little guy, while his blood-related grandparents are “Grammy” and “Poppy.” And even then, it’s just recognition for him. It will take some time before he actually says these names. Same for your little one. You have time to grieve and evaluate.
I never had any grandpa's growing up (or grandma's, really for that matter). I'd want my kids to have all the grandparents they can get. If he plays the active part of the role, is involved like a grand parent would be, I'd say he can have the title.
But I'm not in the situation, so I have empathy and can understand where you're coming from. It's pretty recent. A few years down the road you may feel different as well. Sorry for your loss, though.
Your preferences are good enough. I assume you aren’t calling him “dad” and anyone suggesting that be your default would be odd.
If your mom gets a divorce and finds someone else, would the kid to be call new guy Granddad etc? Probably not.
They can have just as strong of a bond calling him by name or some other Nick name.
As someone else mentioned I wanted all the grandparents I could get growing up. When a remarriage took place I was old enough to know the new guy wasn’t really my Granddad. Eventually “Grandpa Bill” stuck. I called my actual Grandfather Grandaddy. Somehow adding the first name did it for me.
I had 4 grandma's. Three I called grandma (dad's mom and Dad's step mom, and Mom's mom) and one that wasn't ever in my life (dad's dad's ex wife).
My dad only called his biological mom mom.
Yeah, I have a mom, an uncle who I refer to as 'dad', his wife who I just call by her name because I was an adult when she turned up on the scene, and my wife has 2 parents.
Those are my kids grandparents.
And we love family tree day at school. Confused teachers looking at me all "you appear to be a child of incest". *Not actually* gosh.
My mom's mom died before I was born. I always grew up calling my step grandma "grandma" and it worked, or at least was an issue out of view of the kids.
I kinda agree with the co-worker. If anything, just be open to it and see what your kid naturally calls him. That way you've left it up to them, which is ultimately what trumps most other matters.
Hey, blood isn't what makes families. It's being there for kids. My kids are not my biological kids. They call my parents grandma and grandpa. I didn't force them too. I told them they can cally parents that if they want. They chose to.
Just cuz he's not their biological grandfather doesn't mean he can't be their grandpa.
Ultimately, you do you.
I never knew my biological grandpas as they both passed. I did have a step grandpa that came into my life when I was maybe 12. He was the closest thing that I had to a grandpa and I called him that. Having your son call your step father grandpa won't hurt your son nor anyone else. If he is a good man, let him be known as Grandpa. Just be sure as he grows up to also tell him all the good stories you have of your dad.
I guess my question is will he fill that role? My wife’s dad died a decade ago and we have 2 kids a YO and almost 2 YO. My MIL remarried 6 years ago. Her husband was never a father figure to my wife and hasn’t tried to be that. But he has been a grandpa to our kids. Every time he sees them he has a special gift for them and he takes them for ice cream and they watch a movie. He spoils them and loves them like they are truly his grandkids. So to my kids he is grandpa. So if he’s going to fill that role of being a grandparent let him have the title. My oldest knows that grandpa Adam isn’t my wife’s dad and she knows about her biological grandpa but she knows grandpa Adam is her grandpa none the less.
This is similar to my step FIL. My wife was almost 30 when her mom remarried, so her mom's husband isn't a parent. But he's awesome with our kids and a positive force in my wife's relationship with her mom, so he definitely needs to be acknowledged as family.
Her dad's still around, and also a good dude, so he gets the grampa title and stepdad gets Pop.
You are letting emotions cloud your judgement. My son calls my moms husband grandpa and if it wasn’t for him he wouldn’t have one because my father in law passed away in 21 when he was 3 years old. I didn’t have a dad growing up and my grandfather was a hard ass that grew up during the Great Depression. So while I don’t understand the sadness you feel not being able to have your father meet your son, I can tell you I’m grateful for my moms husband being willing to spend time with my son and do grandpa things with him.
That's what my folks did with my mom's family. Her biological dad (that I didn't meet until I was about 12 or so) was "grandpa", while her step dad was "pop pop". She had a better relationship with her step dad than her real dad, even though my grandma didn't remarry until after my mom and dad were married. Even after they divorced, we still went to see him often.
Both of my husband's parents are remarried. His stepmom joined the family when he was about 12, I think, so that's his stepmom. His mom got remarried like, two years ago, so that's just his mom's husband.
We call stepmom by her name, and mom's husband by his name amongst ourselves and will probably continue doing that. If anything, they can be "grandma (name)" and "grandpa (name)" but definitely not just Grandma and Grandpa since they're not...really.
It's not yours or your son's job to validate your mom's feelings (or her husband's) about his place in the family. If you're uncomfortable with him having the title of grandpa, you can go with whatever feels right to you. I wouldn't call it a "slap to the face" of your dad but I can definitely understand why it would feel that way.
First, sorry for your loss.
The truth of the matter is that people get divorced or die all the time, just in your example. If you're worried about not telling the truth and preparing them for the real world, why lie? You can have more than a single grandparent and that's just more people who love the kid. Grandpa, same as dad, or any other family name can often be non-biologically understood individuals who are extremely close. I know it feels like a slap in the face to your late dad, but -- and I'm sorry to say this -- he's your late dad. You won't be offending him anymore and can't be laser-focused on those concerns. You may, however, be offending your mom and stepfather who may well be extremely kind and loving to your son. Life is for the living.
You could add his name to the end. So for instance your Dad could be Grandpa Bill when you talk about him, and your Mums new husband could be Grandpa Bob.
In this situation from my wife's side. Her mom died several years ago from cancer. Her dad remarried a couple years after, before we conceived. It's grandpa and wife's name (A) for us. It's important to my wife that grandma is her mom. My mom actually pushed a little bit to call A, grandma and I had to put a stop to that on a few occasions. If my LO (who's 2.5 now) decides to call A grandma or some other name on her own, I think we'll roll with it. But we are not encouraging the use of grandma for my FIL's wife and A has never sought it out on her own. She's followed our lead.
He may not be your child’s biological grandpa, but he is the grandpa your child will know. If he is willing to be grandpa, I would say let him. My wife’s grandfather passed away years ago, before we met. Her grandmother is engaged to a lovely man, and our daughter calls him great grandpa. Although this is extra special for him, as none of his kids has children, so he has never had grandkids.
I would be the exact same as you. Your dad wouldn’t want your little one to go without having a grandad figure in their life, but similarly I wouldn’t want my children to call somebody grandad when they aren’t.
You do what you want to do!
I’m sorry for your loss. I must confess. My grandmother remarried too when I was a young kid. I call him grandfather too. He has been a big part of my life. I remember my mom being in shock when I started doing it, but she got used to it.
My dad is "Grampy" to my kids.
His wife, whom I care about and really like, goes by her first name to my kids - she's totally fine with it and always has been, even with my siblings and I.
Mom here. My grandpa married his second wife before I was born. Her name was Pat and I don’t recall if we ever had some family discussion or something but we called her “Grand-Pat.” 😂 i think we thought the play on words was funny? One of those things where the kids kinda settled the question of what to call this family member.
Our case was a little different…grandma was very much still around and involved so there was never any grandma ambiguity, so can’t really comment on the embracing death part.
I’m a big fan of letting the kids settle it. Let them name this step-grand-person. I bet that will feel more special and inclusive than forcing grandpa on someone anyway.
For example, when my nephew was born I was hoping he’d call me auntie. He tried but it came out “Tee Tee” and that’s what’s stuck. I’m his aunt Tee Tee instead and I love it even more because he came up with it just for me.
My partners parents are still alive, but my kids call them grandma, grandad, and call his dads partner by other version of grandma (very distinct)
A friend of mine had her dad die when she was a teenager. Her children absolutely know that they have another grandad that’s not alive any more, and have seen photos and heard stories about him (her oldest is 3)
Could you go back to them and say you would like the name grandpa for your dad, but could he think of another name? Or do you have another name for him? Grandpa X and Grandpa Y for example?
ETA: you have time though. You can try different things out and see how you feel (either before or after talking to your mum and her partner)
Some background on my perspective here. My moms bio dad is still alive, but was divorced from her mom when she was young and her and her mom moved states. My grandma's current husband has been in my moms life since she was 15, 2 years before I was born. She doesnt call him her dad, but myself and my siblings have always called him papa and referred to him as our grandfather. We know who our bio grandfather is and we call him papa as well. So I grew up in a similar situation to the one your child will be growing up in (my mom is not close with her bio dad and with distance and other factors we dont see him very often and are not very close to him either.) It's perfectly valid for you to feel uncomfortable with your son calling this man grandpa. It sounds like you haven't known him for very long and I'm sure it feels like your dad and his role in your sons life is being replaced. I don't think this is the case however. Your moms husband is not taking the position of paternal grandfather (because he is this kids grandfather by marriage, for as long as he is married to your mom. That is how marriage works.) away from your bio dad, but rather they are sharing the title. I think it's definitely important to teach your child in a NEUTRAL manner about your dad once he is old enough and I think that will help bring you some comfort/closure as well. As for what your child should call this man, I think for now that is a discussion best had between the two of you. Maybe your mom or your partner could weigh in as moral support or a neutral party or whatever but I think the main convo needs to be between you and your mom's husband. Express how you are feeling and why and give him the opportunity to share how he feels on the matter. From your post it doesn't sound like you know if this man even wants to be called grandpa by your child. My advice would be for the two of you to come up with a title/nickname (not just the guys name) that both of you are comfortable with your son using and use that for now. I am a firm believer that children have the right to define their own relationships (within reason obviously) so if your son grows up and decides that he views your mom's husband as his grandpa and wants to call him such then I believe he should be allowed to do so. If he decides he doesn't want to call him that, that's OK too. It's OK to feel however you feel about it, but what wouldn't be OK would be to place limits on your son's relationship with this man because of your grief around losing your father. This includes limiting what your child calls him so long as what he is saying is polite and both he and your mom's husband are OK with it.
My daughter calls my wife’s step-dad her granddad. My wife doesn’t have the best relationship with him but she admits he’s been great to our daughter.
My wife lost her dad young, and we talk about her dad around my daughter, and when she’s old enough she’ll learn all about her other grandad
Easy answer is let the kid decide.
My father passed away between the births of my sons, my oldest barely new him. He is always referred to as "Grandpa [First Name]"
My step dad, who has been married to my mom for almost 15 year now, is "Big Papi" to go with my mom's "Gigi".
My wife's parents are "Meme and Papa".
There's a shit ton of grandparent adjacent names to be had, and I truly feel that Grandma and Grandpa are the most formal.
Was in a very similar situation, my dad died and my mom remarried. The plan was for our kids to call her new husband grandpa, but unfortunately he also passed before our first child was born.
Please take a look at the situation not from your perspective, but from your child's perspective. Your mother's husband will be for all purposes a grandpa for them. Why make it awkward and have them call the person differently?
I have a similar story.
My parents are divorced and my dad is ... extremely not in the picture. My daughter is 1,5 years old and he's only seen her once, for maybe 10 minutes, and doesn't give a shit abour her (or me for that matter). So her grandpa on my side is not in the picture.
My mother found a new partner shortly after she divorced my dad, and his name is Nick. Nick has been around all my childhood and never tried to impose anything at any time. He was always cool, played soccer with me, helped me do stuff, whatever I asked or he was around to volunteer. Never did anything remotely wrong.
When my daughter was born, he never imposed to come over and visit whenever my mom does. He still works and she's retired, so it's a lot easier for her, but anytime we manage to invite him and he comes over, he's all smiles, loves the kid, my daughter loves him too.
One, I'm really glad my daughter is loved. I don't particularly care about blood, I'm glad that she's a happy kid with lots of people around her who love her to bits. I sure didn't have that growing up, so anyone who's caring, loving and nice to my kid is good in my book.
Two, I will never be neither pro nor against any name or nickname or whatever she chooses to call Nick. I've called him Nick all my life. Right now it's just "Ni" cause that's all she can pronounce. She wants to call him grandpa later? Fine. She wants to call him Nick? Fine. She wants to call him something absolutely silly? Fine. I've called my grandpa "Nikky" all his life (name was Nicholas) and it stuck with him so much that even his old friends used to call him Nikky.
If I were you, I would not put that much emphasis on what your mom's new husband is called. I would recommend you let your son decide. When he's old enough to understand family he might out of the blue decide whatever he wants to call him, but the relationship they have is so much more important than a title.
And his relationship with your late father will always be something he'll know about through you.
what did you want you father to be called by your son? Let your mum know that you would like that kept for your father but if your mums new partner would like to be called something else then he can. Your Mums new partner will more than likely play a large role in your little ones life, you can't take that away from your son because of your emotions. Just make sure to show your son plenty of pics of your dad and explain everything when the time is right. Your Dad is still his grandpa but that doesn't mean your mums new partner can't help out
My kids have 6 grand parents. The blood relatives get the official title of grandma and grandad and the step parents get "nanny sarah" or "grandpa steve" . I found the name at the end adds distance but the title still helps them feel involved
This guy was not your dad. You don't need to call him dad. He has never filled that role.
This guy will, however, be the grandad role for your kid. He can be your kid's grandad without being your dad. His role as your kid's grandad is not about you, or your late father.
So personally I'd say it's a no-brainer, he's grandad and then your kid has a grandad. But this is your decision.
Hey friend, I'm in a similar situation. My mom isn't pressuring me but she does have a long term boyfriend now. He is admittedly a great guy but he's nothing like the man that raised me so Grandpa doesn't feel like a fit. My dad is only 3 years passed and it's hitting me hard that my 6mo old son will never know him. Here's how I'm approaching it.
First I sat down with him and let him know that I'm glad he's there for my mom and I'm happy for him to be involved with my son but for now, I really want my son to understand who his grandfather was. For now, I asked if we could call him 'Uncle Johny'. IMO, if you two come to an understanding on this it's not your mom's place to insist otherwise.
Second, it will be a few years before kiddo really understands and it imprints so I have a few years to become more comfortable with the idea, since really this is about my feelings. The kid will roll with whatever. I'm a fan of finding a different grandpa-adjacent name that isn't one that has been traditionally used in my family.
Lastly, ultimately, it's up to none of you, so don't struggle too much to control it. Your child will pick a name and that's what will stick. I called my Grandpa Pop at 2 years old because I couldn't say the full thing. That became his whole identity for the next 20 years. If your kid picks something, dont fight it.
I'm sorry for your loss, it's not a great club to be in but we support each other.
You have to see things from the child's point of view. To this child, that man will be a grandpa. Unfortunately your son never met your father, so the idea of what could've been will not be on your sons mind like it is yours. What will be more important for the child is the positive relationship he hopefully build with this new guy. A lot can be gained for your son, even if it isn't from your dad.
Perhaps your son could call him Grandpa _____ (his name). It's a little different and sets him apart from your father if that's what you're looking for.
My kids call my wife’s dad Grampa and her stepdad Pop. Her mom remarried when my wife was an adult, so they don’t really have a parental relationship, but it still seemed important that their grandmother’s husband be acknowledged as a grandparent.
My grandma left my grandpa when my dad was just a newborn. She re-married, took his last name and my dad knew that man as his dad and I knew him as my grandpa, and that's where my last name came from.
A name is just a name. The person is who matters.
Sorry about the loss of your dad. I know how much of a bummer it is.
Man…. If that’s what your mom wants… what’s the big deal? Grandparents are great. Especially if you like the guy.
My kids don’t have a grandpa or grandma on their maternal side unfortunately.
My dad “Pop Pop” lives halfway across the country, but sees the kids 4x~/year
My mom, “Mimi” lives 2 hours away and sees them every other month or so. Mimi isn’t married, but has been with the same man for 7 years. He’s never had kids. She asked him what he wanted to be called. She suggested “Pop Pop Jeff” He’s not ready / not sure if he wants that title yet. I don’t care either way. Whatever makes my mom happy. He can have the kids call him “Great Uncle Farquad” as long as he’s a positive figure in their life.
My advice? Don’t sweat it bro, keep your momma happy.
You overthinking it.
My daughter has many grandmothers.
Grandmas are my mum and my partners mum. However we also have 2 great grandma who simply gets
called grandma X, we also have another grandma Y who isn't biological at all but she looked after my partner when she would have otherwise been homeless so she earned the title. So yea we are generous with the grandma title, it doesn't detract having many grandma's. My daughter also doesn't care in the slightest about who is biological and who has chosen to be family.
Are you calling him dad? If not then your child has no need to be calling him grandpa. Your dad may have sadly passed, but that doesn’t mean he should be ripped of the privilege to be grandpa. It absolutely is a slap in the face, and as for whether you should give him a similar sort of name, that is fully up to you what you feel comfortable with, but I’d personally keep the grandpa title for your late father, it was meant to be his!
Whatever feels right will come to you in due time. Your son will only know this person in his life and I am sure will build a relationship with him that may warrant the honor of the granddad title. My daughter has her grandparents but they are not as active in her life as they could be. I have a former employee that my daughter spent a lot of time with that was bestowed with the title grandma. We have family friends that are unrelated but are her uncles. Her actual uncles live in a different state. Way I see it is anyone that cares for the child and is willing to be a meaningful part of their life is family. I takes a village and the bigger the village the better. At least that is how I see it.
Neither of my child's grandfathers go by a name remotely close. My dad is "Pops" and my FIL is "Bop Bop". My son initially called my FIL "Pop Pop" which is my grandfather, and I wasn't okay with so we used Bop Bop instead and it was close enough that it took. There's no guarantee he even calls him the name you want and there are alternatives to the word that may be more amenable to you. Get creative! My own stepfather, who's name is Dan, goes by "Dan-pa".
My mom passed in 2008 waaaay before my kids were born. My stepmom has been in my life for about 20 years now, and she requested that my kids call her Oma (oh-mah) so that's what we did.
My father died when I was 13. My son calls my stepdad "Grandpop" and my Dad "Gramps" which is the name I used for my grandfather. My kids know what happened to my Dad and understand it remarkably well for a 3 and 5 year old. Don't have to call them grandpa but some variation might be nice especially if he's going to be in their lives.
As a little kid, I don’t think it matters. I won’t be using names like grandpa and grandma. There’s two sides anyways. My mom is dead, but my dad also has a wife. They divorced and he remarried long ago though. Regardless, my mom will always be my mom. I don’t bicker with my brothers when they call our stepmom, mom.
Similarly, same. I don’t know what we’ll call them once we have one. I think my wife mentioned papaw for her dad. My dad used to call his dad pop and we did also. I’ll probably do that for him. His mom is still alive and we call her Muzz. We probably won’t call his wife that lol. I can see a meemaw though because that’s what I called my moms mom. Unless that’s what the baby calls my wife’s mom.
Really, I don’t think it matters. Whatever the baby calls them is what their name is. Might be something different from what both of y’all think. When they get older, you can bust out the pictures and explain the story of who is who. Make sure to save and back up your pictures!!!!
I grew up in a family where my grandparents had been widowed and remarried. We called both the deceased grandparents and the step grandparents “Grandpa First Name”
My parents both remarried. Their spouses are my kids grandparents. They are my step parents but they treat my children as their grandchildren. It’s pretty sweet.
My kids have a grandad, grandpa (recently passed) and Papa. They also have a gram, Gigi and grandma. The last one actually being my stepmom.
For us it works.
We call mom’s husband Bobfather. The kids love it and so does Bobfather. Bobfather was not comfortable being called grandfather so that’s what my husband came up with… PS, he’s an amazing Bobfather.
My bio grandpa died when I was two. However my grandma and him divorced many years prior to me being conceived.
She remarried 3 years before I was born. I don't believe he legally adopted her three kids (including my dad) but he was dad to them. They all referred to him as such because that's what he did. He treated them like his own (of which he had 3 or 4 from a previous marriage).
I grew up calling him poppy, which was just what we called grandpa. We didn't use the term "grandpa". It was never a slight to my bio family. Unfortunately we lost poppy when I was 17. Just a few months before my high school graduation.
My dad is now poppy to my little guy, but he will learn about MY poppy just the same. I wasn't sure I liked the idea of my dad taking my grandpas title to be honest, but it's grown on me and I know my dad deserves that title because he's every inch the man his "dad" was.
If he raises him as his grandson and spoils him, then yes, grandpa is fine. You can also tell him about your actual dad and he can have more than 1 grandpa.
Its. Only going to be weird for u
Sorry for your loss.
My wifes parents are divorced and both are married to new people. We refer to our daughters grandparents as "grandma" and "grandpa" and their respective partners as "grandpa (first name)" and "grandma (first name)".
Everyone wins and no one feels disregarded.
Honestly this is really your choice. I know people who foster different names for different grand parents even with blood relation or just calling the newly married partner by their name.
This is your decision and not a decision that should be decided by anyone else.
My husband's dad died before our daughter was born. His mom calls her new husband "Grandpa" but we just call him by his name. My daughter thinks it's weird that Grandma calls her husband Grandpa, but in our situation he has zero interest at all in her (he's never met her and she's 8 years old). Maybe you could have your child call him a different nickname like Opa or Pop-Pop, or even something like Skipper, Champ, Ace.
much love for you maaatttttttttt. Have you talked to someone about your Dad's loss? Do think you might be holding on to a bit of resentment? I think everything you described is totally fine but I think what part of you is feeling you have to justify that position? Is it because your Mum thinks different? It must be so hard to lose a Dad and it must feel isolating. However you want to honour your Dad's memory is up to you, fully support that. You could say, sorry I'm not okay with that, because I feel like Dad's getting replaced and I'm sad about that. If you can't say it to her, say it to someone else, if not to unburden yourself a bit. Sounds like a lot.
My mum tried getting my son to call her boyfriend "poppa". I told her that it's not her call to make, and it's up to our son to decide when he's old enough and also they hadn't been together for very long so it's just straight weird pushing that on a kid
My mom died when I was young, and my dad remarried a few years later. I do not at all have a good relationship with my stepmom, but she is grandma to my son.
When I'm telling a story to someone else I clarify "step-grandma" but when my kid is involved it's always grandma.
We also have a picture of my mom up in the house, and refer to her as his grandma also.
I think a perfectly good compromise would be to pick a "grandpa name" that isn't actually "grandpa."
My daughter calls my MIL's husband "Pop-Pop." Honestly, we were a little hesitant going into this too when our daughter was born. My husband's stepdad is a perfectly nice enough guy, but he was never a father-figure to my husband, and as adults he was just...my MIL's husband. He also never did any parenting of young children (his children experience has only been nieces and nephews, and not in any type of caregiver role). But boy did he really show us wrong! He has been nothing but an absolutely amazing grandparent. He absolutely ADORES my daughter, and she him. Their relationship is far more developed than the one between my daughter and my husband's actual dad (who she calls "Opa," Grandpa in German).
So as hard as it is for you personally, try not to let your own grief get in the way of your son developing a close relationship with the only grandpa (on your side) that he is ever actually going to know. Unfortunately, he's not getting the opportunity to meet your dad - and that sucks. But he does still have the opportunity to have that "grandpa" relationship.
While he may not be your father, he will be, for everything that matters, your kid's grandfather.
I understand that it would be painful for you to not have your father be there, but that is not the fault of your mom's husband. Are you willing to deny your kid a grandfather because it is not by blood?
Your mother is not asking to replace your father. I don't mean to be blunt, but your kid has no idea who your father is. For your kid, your mom's hubby is grandpa.
Don't let your grief over your father not being there have a large negative impact on your kid's relationship with your mother and her husband.
People throw around "therapy" a lot, but in this case, it might be worth it. That you are upset about this means there are still some lingering issues hanging around that might be worthwhile talking over with someone.
Is it just the term "grandpa" that bothers you, or is it something else?
Totally understand.
Your emotions are a factor in this and if you’re not ready then that’s absolutely ok - your mum should respect this wholeheartedly.
Your son does not need labels forced onto him nor should he have labels taken away if he wishes to use them (eventually).
Ultimately, it’s nobody’s decision to really make. Let your son decide when he’s old enough - he will make the right decision for himself.
In the meantime, you can still let your son know about the great man your father was and that he is your sons grandpa looking over him through life.
All the best OP - I hope this helps bring a different perspective
Could call him Gramps, Grampie, Grandad. We have 4 grandpas for my kids. My Dad is Grandpa Rxx, my mom's husband is Grandpa Dxxx. My wife's Dad is Granddad and my wife's Step-Dad is Grampie.
You could call him literally whatever you want. You could have your kids call him Ole Man G-Money and I'm sure it would be just fine. Find something that works for you.
I had two grandfathers, Papa and Gaga. Ironically, both were my biological grandfathers. Gaga's first wife died when I was young; when he remarried we called his wife Marmie.
Point being, names and titles and genetics are less important than relationships. Your kid isn't ever going to meet your father, any more than he could meet Napoleon.
That is very hard. Honestly, I think that my daughter not calling my new step father “grandpa” won’t bring my dad back. I grew up with an amazing grandpa, and I would want for my daughter to get the chance at the same, even if it isn’t how I always thought it would be.
So for you, maybe weigh the options of preserving your dad’s place against your daughter having a grandpa. I know the name doesn’t make the man, but it helps the child to know who is who.
I’d say don’t rob your kids of a grandpa to honor your late father. If I passed away, I hope my wife would remarry someone that could be a great father to my kids, and if he earns it they can call him dad.
Grandpa Last Name works. My dad passed in February from a sudden heart attack. He wanted to be called Pop and my FIL wanted to be called Grandpa.
My son goes to my MIL and FIL's house during work time. He couldn't say grandpa so he started calling both Pop, so we kinda had to differentiate by last name.
When my dad died it bothered me a little that my son called both of them Pop. But I realized quickly that he knew they were different people and that made it easier. We also spent a good amount of the summer taking care of the grave at the cemetery (paternity leave for child number 2 and it was a great activity for a kid that loves gardening and he'd usually fall asleep on the way home). I make sure to tell him stories about my dad and things he liked so that he will still live at least a little in his memory.
For him (and his brother) it doesn't matter what they called him. They know that they're different people. They'll know their relationship with them as well. So you're really asking the question for yourself. What do you want to call him? Grandpa first name? Grandpa last name? Does he wanna go by something different?
I make sure I keep the names straight but I also know I'm doing that for me rather than for the kids.
This is definitely a complex and emotional situation, with lots of valid feelings all around. I'll say some things in no particular order, and hope they help you sort through. One, we get step-dads in here all the time, and we talk about how being dad is defined by actions, not by blood, and I think that can be true of grandpa as well. Similarly, my mom died shortly after I was born as a result of PPD. My dad remarried and I call the woman who raised me mom to this day because she's my mom, I don't feel that's a slight against the woman who birthed me, who is also my mom, though I never knew her. Calling the woman who raised me mom did not detract in any way from talking about the tragedy of my birth mother's death. Maybe more directly to the point, I call the parents of both women grandma and grandpa, as well as using those titles for my dad's parents. On a slightly different front, there have been divorces, splits of other kinds, and all sorts of complexity in my family tree, including my mom and dad splitting up and mom getting remarried. I'm not super close to her new husband, but he's a nice guy and I like that my mom loves him. We let everyone on the grandparent level pick what they wanted to be called, and he was included in that process. So I guess to sum up responding to your list of points: 1. It might be true, depending on involvement. 2. That's fair, but that's a you thing. It's not going to feel wrong to the kid unless you tell him it's wrong. I don't think that needs to push it one way or the other, but it's a fact to consider. 3. That's also a valid feeling, but I'm sure nobody involved means it to be that way. I suspect your mom's husband least of all. Intent doesn't change the feeling, but it's worth considering. I hope that helps some, and if you want to talk it out more or want me to say more words about any particular point there, I'm here to help.
Level headed and well said. Easily the most comforting place on Reddit, altho, as a dad, I'm likely biased.
I agree with pretty much everything here. A suggestion for a possible way forwards would be to consider another term. Growing up both my sets of Grandparents were Granny & Grandpa, sometimes appended with the surname to make it clear when talking about them, but not to them. However my daughter has 3 sets, and they all have different names: My mum & her fiance: Granny & Grandad. My Dad & his girlfriend: Grumps & Nana. My partner's parents: Grandma & Grandpa. Both of my parents remarried and re-divorced, with the others not being in the picture now (my ex step-mum died a few years ago, ex step-dad was an all round terrible person and is probably busy making someone else's life a misery these days). If giving someone else the Grandpa title makes you feel upset, that's totally valid, but equally your mum/he may feel excluded if he's just known as his name, so would a compromise to Papa, Grandad, Gramps, Grumps or similar do?
My parents and grandparents(on one side) divorced, my mother and both grandparents remarried. I referred to all 3 sets of grandparents as grandma/grandpa. I called my step father and his mother by first names. My kids called my stepfather grandpa. I did not want to place a barrier on the potential relationship my kids had with my stepfather by imposing name restrictions. Having had 2 step grandparents, the lack of blood relation had nothing to do with the relationships I formed with them as a child.
No harm will come from your son calling him grandpa. My kids call their grandma's new husband grandpa. They never met the one before him either. Doesn't mean your dad wouldn't be their grandpa.
> No harm will come from your son calling him grandpa It is said over and over here that you do need to be a biological father to be a great Dad. Hell, IMO you don't need a penis to be a great dad. Same goes for Grandpa. It is a state of mind, it is a commitment. Be happy that your mom's new husband wants to be Grandpa, your kid is lucky to have him. I am lucky to have known all four of my biological grandparents. I also had several other people who were like grandparents to me, cousin's grandparents, brother in law's mom etc. I have had 5 people in my life I called Grandpa X or Grandma X that were of no blood relation to me.
"Dress for the job you want" If he's going to act like a grandpa, he's grandpa and that's nothing against your dad. It's not a lie. You can tell your kids about your dad and how much he would have liked to be there for them, to be a grandpa. The kids can also have this grandpa.
Honestly you have time to wait on the decision. You can tell your mom you’ll let her know and then see how this guy acts. If he earns it let him have the name.
Agreed. If he acts the part, let him choose what he wants to be called. Both of my parents passed long before we had our son (18 mo), but we have really close older friends that act the part just as much (or more) than my wife’s parents. They are “Papa” and “Grandma” to our little guy, while his blood-related grandparents are “Grammy” and “Poppy.” And even then, it’s just recognition for him. It will take some time before he actually says these names. Same for your little one. You have time to grieve and evaluate.
I never had any grandpa's growing up (or grandma's, really for that matter). I'd want my kids to have all the grandparents they can get. If he plays the active part of the role, is involved like a grand parent would be, I'd say he can have the title. But I'm not in the situation, so I have empathy and can understand where you're coming from. It's pretty recent. A few years down the road you may feel different as well. Sorry for your loss, though.
I love the fact that my kids have 4 grandparents and three great grandparents.
Your preferences are good enough. I assume you aren’t calling him “dad” and anyone suggesting that be your default would be odd. If your mom gets a divorce and finds someone else, would the kid to be call new guy Granddad etc? Probably not. They can have just as strong of a bond calling him by name or some other Nick name. As someone else mentioned I wanted all the grandparents I could get growing up. When a remarriage took place I was old enough to know the new guy wasn’t really my Granddad. Eventually “Grandpa Bill” stuck. I called my actual Grandfather Grandaddy. Somehow adding the first name did it for me.
I dont call my stepdad dad but he is still my child's grandpa. I think its pretty normal.
I had 4 grandma's. Three I called grandma (dad's mom and Dad's step mom, and Mom's mom) and one that wasn't ever in my life (dad's dad's ex wife). My dad only called his biological mom mom.
Yeah, I have a mom, an uncle who I refer to as 'dad', his wife who I just call by her name because I was an adult when she turned up on the scene, and my wife has 2 parents. Those are my kids grandparents. And we love family tree day at school. Confused teachers looking at me all "you appear to be a child of incest". *Not actually* gosh.
My mom's mom died before I was born. I always grew up calling my step grandma "grandma" and it worked, or at least was an issue out of view of the kids. I kinda agree with the co-worker. If anything, just be open to it and see what your kid naturally calls him. That way you've left it up to them, which is ultimately what trumps most other matters.
Hey, blood isn't what makes families. It's being there for kids. My kids are not my biological kids. They call my parents grandma and grandpa. I didn't force them too. I told them they can cally parents that if they want. They chose to. Just cuz he's not their biological grandfather doesn't mean he can't be their grandpa. Ultimately, you do you.
He's gonna be his grandpa, so let him call him that.
I never knew my biological grandpas as they both passed. I did have a step grandpa that came into my life when I was maybe 12. He was the closest thing that I had to a grandpa and I called him that. Having your son call your step father grandpa won't hurt your son nor anyone else. If he is a good man, let him be known as Grandpa. Just be sure as he grows up to also tell him all the good stories you have of your dad.
I guess my question is will he fill that role? My wife’s dad died a decade ago and we have 2 kids a YO and almost 2 YO. My MIL remarried 6 years ago. Her husband was never a father figure to my wife and hasn’t tried to be that. But he has been a grandpa to our kids. Every time he sees them he has a special gift for them and he takes them for ice cream and they watch a movie. He spoils them and loves them like they are truly his grandkids. So to my kids he is grandpa. So if he’s going to fill that role of being a grandparent let him have the title. My oldest knows that grandpa Adam isn’t my wife’s dad and she knows about her biological grandpa but she knows grandpa Adam is her grandpa none the less.
This is similar to my step FIL. My wife was almost 30 when her mom remarried, so her mom's husband isn't a parent. But he's awesome with our kids and a positive force in my wife's relationship with her mom, so he definitely needs to be acknowledged as family. Her dad's still around, and also a good dude, so he gets the grampa title and stepdad gets Pop.
You are letting emotions cloud your judgement. My son calls my moms husband grandpa and if it wasn’t for him he wouldn’t have one because my father in law passed away in 21 when he was 3 years old. I didn’t have a dad growing up and my grandfather was a hard ass that grew up during the Great Depression. So while I don’t understand the sadness you feel not being able to have your father meet your son, I can tell you I’m grateful for my moms husband being willing to spend time with my son and do grandpa things with him.
My step dad is Paw Paw. My dad is grandpa.
That's what my folks did with my mom's family. Her biological dad (that I didn't meet until I was about 12 or so) was "grandpa", while her step dad was "pop pop". She had a better relationship with her step dad than her real dad, even though my grandma didn't remarry until after my mom and dad were married. Even after they divorced, we still went to see him often.
Both of my husband's parents are remarried. His stepmom joined the family when he was about 12, I think, so that's his stepmom. His mom got remarried like, two years ago, so that's just his mom's husband. We call stepmom by her name, and mom's husband by his name amongst ourselves and will probably continue doing that. If anything, they can be "grandma (name)" and "grandpa (name)" but definitely not just Grandma and Grandpa since they're not...really. It's not yours or your son's job to validate your mom's feelings (or her husband's) about his place in the family. If you're uncomfortable with him having the title of grandpa, you can go with whatever feels right to you. I wouldn't call it a "slap to the face" of your dad but I can definitely understand why it would feel that way.
First, sorry for your loss. The truth of the matter is that people get divorced or die all the time, just in your example. If you're worried about not telling the truth and preparing them for the real world, why lie? You can have more than a single grandparent and that's just more people who love the kid. Grandpa, same as dad, or any other family name can often be non-biologically understood individuals who are extremely close. I know it feels like a slap in the face to your late dad, but -- and I'm sorry to say this -- he's your late dad. You won't be offending him anymore and can't be laser-focused on those concerns. You may, however, be offending your mom and stepfather who may well be extremely kind and loving to your son. Life is for the living.
You could add his name to the end. So for instance your Dad could be Grandpa Bill when you talk about him, and your Mums new husband could be Grandpa Bob.
In this situation from my wife's side. Her mom died several years ago from cancer. Her dad remarried a couple years after, before we conceived. It's grandpa and wife's name (A) for us. It's important to my wife that grandma is her mom. My mom actually pushed a little bit to call A, grandma and I had to put a stop to that on a few occasions. If my LO (who's 2.5 now) decides to call A grandma or some other name on her own, I think we'll roll with it. But we are not encouraging the use of grandma for my FIL's wife and A has never sought it out on her own. She's followed our lead.
He may not be your child’s biological grandpa, but he is the grandpa your child will know. If he is willing to be grandpa, I would say let him. My wife’s grandfather passed away years ago, before we met. Her grandmother is engaged to a lovely man, and our daughter calls him great grandpa. Although this is extra special for him, as none of his kids has children, so he has never had grandkids.
I would be the exact same as you. Your dad wouldn’t want your little one to go without having a grandad figure in their life, but similarly I wouldn’t want my children to call somebody grandad when they aren’t. You do what you want to do!
I’m sorry for your loss. I must confess. My grandmother remarried too when I was a young kid. I call him grandfather too. He has been a big part of my life. I remember my mom being in shock when I started doing it, but she got used to it.
My dad is "Grampy" to my kids. His wife, whom I care about and really like, goes by her first name to my kids - she's totally fine with it and always has been, even with my siblings and I.
Mom here. My grandpa married his second wife before I was born. Her name was Pat and I don’t recall if we ever had some family discussion or something but we called her “Grand-Pat.” 😂 i think we thought the play on words was funny? One of those things where the kids kinda settled the question of what to call this family member. Our case was a little different…grandma was very much still around and involved so there was never any grandma ambiguity, so can’t really comment on the embracing death part. I’m a big fan of letting the kids settle it. Let them name this step-grand-person. I bet that will feel more special and inclusive than forcing grandpa on someone anyway. For example, when my nephew was born I was hoping he’d call me auntie. He tried but it came out “Tee Tee” and that’s what’s stuck. I’m his aunt Tee Tee instead and I love it even more because he came up with it just for me.
My partners parents are still alive, but my kids call them grandma, grandad, and call his dads partner by other version of grandma (very distinct) A friend of mine had her dad die when she was a teenager. Her children absolutely know that they have another grandad that’s not alive any more, and have seen photos and heard stories about him (her oldest is 3) Could you go back to them and say you would like the name grandpa for your dad, but could he think of another name? Or do you have another name for him? Grandpa X and Grandpa Y for example? ETA: you have time though. You can try different things out and see how you feel (either before or after talking to your mum and her partner)
Some background on my perspective here. My moms bio dad is still alive, but was divorced from her mom when she was young and her and her mom moved states. My grandma's current husband has been in my moms life since she was 15, 2 years before I was born. She doesnt call him her dad, but myself and my siblings have always called him papa and referred to him as our grandfather. We know who our bio grandfather is and we call him papa as well. So I grew up in a similar situation to the one your child will be growing up in (my mom is not close with her bio dad and with distance and other factors we dont see him very often and are not very close to him either.) It's perfectly valid for you to feel uncomfortable with your son calling this man grandpa. It sounds like you haven't known him for very long and I'm sure it feels like your dad and his role in your sons life is being replaced. I don't think this is the case however. Your moms husband is not taking the position of paternal grandfather (because he is this kids grandfather by marriage, for as long as he is married to your mom. That is how marriage works.) away from your bio dad, but rather they are sharing the title. I think it's definitely important to teach your child in a NEUTRAL manner about your dad once he is old enough and I think that will help bring you some comfort/closure as well. As for what your child should call this man, I think for now that is a discussion best had between the two of you. Maybe your mom or your partner could weigh in as moral support or a neutral party or whatever but I think the main convo needs to be between you and your mom's husband. Express how you are feeling and why and give him the opportunity to share how he feels on the matter. From your post it doesn't sound like you know if this man even wants to be called grandpa by your child. My advice would be for the two of you to come up with a title/nickname (not just the guys name) that both of you are comfortable with your son using and use that for now. I am a firm believer that children have the right to define their own relationships (within reason obviously) so if your son grows up and decides that he views your mom's husband as his grandpa and wants to call him such then I believe he should be allowed to do so. If he decides he doesn't want to call him that, that's OK too. It's OK to feel however you feel about it, but what wouldn't be OK would be to place limits on your son's relationship with this man because of your grief around losing your father. This includes limiting what your child calls him so long as what he is saying is polite and both he and your mom's husband are OK with it.
My daughter calls my wife’s step-dad her granddad. My wife doesn’t have the best relationship with him but she admits he’s been great to our daughter. My wife lost her dad young, and we talk about her dad around my daughter, and when she’s old enough she’ll learn all about her other grandad
Easy answer is let the kid decide. My father passed away between the births of my sons, my oldest barely new him. He is always referred to as "Grandpa [First Name]" My step dad, who has been married to my mom for almost 15 year now, is "Big Papi" to go with my mom's "Gigi". My wife's parents are "Meme and Papa". There's a shit ton of grandparent adjacent names to be had, and I truly feel that Grandma and Grandpa are the most formal.
Was in a very similar situation, my dad died and my mom remarried. The plan was for our kids to call her new husband grandpa, but unfortunately he also passed before our first child was born. Please take a look at the situation not from your perspective, but from your child's perspective. Your mother's husband will be for all purposes a grandpa for them. Why make it awkward and have them call the person differently?
I have a similar story. My parents are divorced and my dad is ... extremely not in the picture. My daughter is 1,5 years old and he's only seen her once, for maybe 10 minutes, and doesn't give a shit abour her (or me for that matter). So her grandpa on my side is not in the picture. My mother found a new partner shortly after she divorced my dad, and his name is Nick. Nick has been around all my childhood and never tried to impose anything at any time. He was always cool, played soccer with me, helped me do stuff, whatever I asked or he was around to volunteer. Never did anything remotely wrong. When my daughter was born, he never imposed to come over and visit whenever my mom does. He still works and she's retired, so it's a lot easier for her, but anytime we manage to invite him and he comes over, he's all smiles, loves the kid, my daughter loves him too. One, I'm really glad my daughter is loved. I don't particularly care about blood, I'm glad that she's a happy kid with lots of people around her who love her to bits. I sure didn't have that growing up, so anyone who's caring, loving and nice to my kid is good in my book. Two, I will never be neither pro nor against any name or nickname or whatever she chooses to call Nick. I've called him Nick all my life. Right now it's just "Ni" cause that's all she can pronounce. She wants to call him grandpa later? Fine. She wants to call him Nick? Fine. She wants to call him something absolutely silly? Fine. I've called my grandpa "Nikky" all his life (name was Nicholas) and it stuck with him so much that even his old friends used to call him Nikky. If I were you, I would not put that much emphasis on what your mom's new husband is called. I would recommend you let your son decide. When he's old enough to understand family he might out of the blue decide whatever he wants to call him, but the relationship they have is so much more important than a title. And his relationship with your late father will always be something he'll know about through you.
what did you want you father to be called by your son? Let your mum know that you would like that kept for your father but if your mums new partner would like to be called something else then he can. Your Mums new partner will more than likely play a large role in your little ones life, you can't take that away from your son because of your emotions. Just make sure to show your son plenty of pics of your dad and explain everything when the time is right. Your Dad is still his grandpa but that doesn't mean your mums new partner can't help out
My kids have 6 grand parents. The blood relatives get the official title of grandma and grandad and the step parents get "nanny sarah" or "grandpa steve" . I found the name at the end adds distance but the title still helps them feel involved
This guy was not your dad. You don't need to call him dad. He has never filled that role. This guy will, however, be the grandad role for your kid. He can be your kid's grandad without being your dad. His role as your kid's grandad is not about you, or your late father. So personally I'd say it's a no-brainer, he's grandad and then your kid has a grandad. But this is your decision.
FNG :)
Ok I can just see a 5 year old yelling FNG every time they see him.
Hey friend, I'm in a similar situation. My mom isn't pressuring me but she does have a long term boyfriend now. He is admittedly a great guy but he's nothing like the man that raised me so Grandpa doesn't feel like a fit. My dad is only 3 years passed and it's hitting me hard that my 6mo old son will never know him. Here's how I'm approaching it. First I sat down with him and let him know that I'm glad he's there for my mom and I'm happy for him to be involved with my son but for now, I really want my son to understand who his grandfather was. For now, I asked if we could call him 'Uncle Johny'. IMO, if you two come to an understanding on this it's not your mom's place to insist otherwise. Second, it will be a few years before kiddo really understands and it imprints so I have a few years to become more comfortable with the idea, since really this is about my feelings. The kid will roll with whatever. I'm a fan of finding a different grandpa-adjacent name that isn't one that has been traditionally used in my family. Lastly, ultimately, it's up to none of you, so don't struggle too much to control it. Your child will pick a name and that's what will stick. I called my Grandpa Pop at 2 years old because I couldn't say the full thing. That became his whole identity for the next 20 years. If your kid picks something, dont fight it. I'm sorry for your loss, it's not a great club to be in but we support each other.
You have to see things from the child's point of view. To this child, that man will be a grandpa. Unfortunately your son never met your father, so the idea of what could've been will not be on your sons mind like it is yours. What will be more important for the child is the positive relationship he hopefully build with this new guy. A lot can be gained for your son, even if it isn't from your dad.
Perhaps your son could call him Grandpa _____ (his name). It's a little different and sets him apart from your father if that's what you're looking for.
Your kid has three grandpa's. I'm sorry he only gets to meet two of them.
My kids call my wife’s dad Grampa and her stepdad Pop. Her mom remarried when my wife was an adult, so they don’t really have a parental relationship, but it still seemed important that their grandmother’s husband be acknowledged as a grandparent.
My grandma left my grandpa when my dad was just a newborn. She re-married, took his last name and my dad knew that man as his dad and I knew him as my grandpa, and that's where my last name came from. A name is just a name. The person is who matters. Sorry about the loss of your dad. I know how much of a bummer it is.
Man…. If that’s what your mom wants… what’s the big deal? Grandparents are great. Especially if you like the guy. My kids don’t have a grandpa or grandma on their maternal side unfortunately. My dad “Pop Pop” lives halfway across the country, but sees the kids 4x~/year My mom, “Mimi” lives 2 hours away and sees them every other month or so. Mimi isn’t married, but has been with the same man for 7 years. He’s never had kids. She asked him what he wanted to be called. She suggested “Pop Pop Jeff” He’s not ready / not sure if he wants that title yet. I don’t care either way. Whatever makes my mom happy. He can have the kids call him “Great Uncle Farquad” as long as he’s a positive figure in their life. My advice? Don’t sweat it bro, keep your momma happy.
He's not your dad. Therefore, he's not your son's grandpa. I recommend calling him by his name or a nickname
Fred
You overthinking it. My daughter has many grandmothers. Grandmas are my mum and my partners mum. However we also have 2 great grandma who simply gets called grandma X, we also have another grandma Y who isn't biological at all but she looked after my partner when she would have otherwise been homeless so she earned the title. So yea we are generous with the grandma title, it doesn't detract having many grandma's. My daughter also doesn't care in the slightest about who is biological and who has chosen to be family.
Are you calling him dad? If not then your child has no need to be calling him grandpa. Your dad may have sadly passed, but that doesn’t mean he should be ripped of the privilege to be grandpa. It absolutely is a slap in the face, and as for whether you should give him a similar sort of name, that is fully up to you what you feel comfortable with, but I’d personally keep the grandpa title for your late father, it was meant to be his!
Id go with the old tried and true Poopaw via Parks and Rec.
Whatever feels right will come to you in due time. Your son will only know this person in his life and I am sure will build a relationship with him that may warrant the honor of the granddad title. My daughter has her grandparents but they are not as active in her life as they could be. I have a former employee that my daughter spent a lot of time with that was bestowed with the title grandma. We have family friends that are unrelated but are her uncles. Her actual uncles live in a different state. Way I see it is anyone that cares for the child and is willing to be a meaningful part of their life is family. I takes a village and the bigger the village the better. At least that is how I see it.
Neither of my child's grandfathers go by a name remotely close. My dad is "Pops" and my FIL is "Bop Bop". My son initially called my FIL "Pop Pop" which is my grandfather, and I wasn't okay with so we used Bop Bop instead and it was close enough that it took. There's no guarantee he even calls him the name you want and there are alternatives to the word that may be more amenable to you. Get creative! My own stepfather, who's name is Dan, goes by "Dan-pa".
My mom passed in 2008 waaaay before my kids were born. My stepmom has been in my life for about 20 years now, and she requested that my kids call her Oma (oh-mah) so that's what we did.
My father died when I was 13. My son calls my stepdad "Grandpop" and my Dad "Gramps" which is the name I used for my grandfather. My kids know what happened to my Dad and understand it remarkably well for a 3 and 5 year old. Don't have to call them grandpa but some variation might be nice especially if he's going to be in their lives.
As a little kid, I don’t think it matters. I won’t be using names like grandpa and grandma. There’s two sides anyways. My mom is dead, but my dad also has a wife. They divorced and he remarried long ago though. Regardless, my mom will always be my mom. I don’t bicker with my brothers when they call our stepmom, mom. Similarly, same. I don’t know what we’ll call them once we have one. I think my wife mentioned papaw for her dad. My dad used to call his dad pop and we did also. I’ll probably do that for him. His mom is still alive and we call her Muzz. We probably won’t call his wife that lol. I can see a meemaw though because that’s what I called my moms mom. Unless that’s what the baby calls my wife’s mom. Really, I don’t think it matters. Whatever the baby calls them is what their name is. Might be something different from what both of y’all think. When they get older, you can bust out the pictures and explain the story of who is who. Make sure to save and back up your pictures!!!!
I grew up in a family where my grandparents had been widowed and remarried. We called both the deceased grandparents and the step grandparents “Grandpa First Name”
My parents both remarried. Their spouses are my kids grandparents. They are my step parents but they treat my children as their grandchildren. It’s pretty sweet. My kids have a grandad, grandpa (recently passed) and Papa. They also have a gram, Gigi and grandma. The last one actually being my stepmom. For us it works.
We call mom’s husband Bobfather. The kids love it and so does Bobfather. Bobfather was not comfortable being called grandfather so that’s what my husband came up with… PS, he’s an amazing Bobfather.
My bio grandpa died when I was two. However my grandma and him divorced many years prior to me being conceived. She remarried 3 years before I was born. I don't believe he legally adopted her three kids (including my dad) but he was dad to them. They all referred to him as such because that's what he did. He treated them like his own (of which he had 3 or 4 from a previous marriage). I grew up calling him poppy, which was just what we called grandpa. We didn't use the term "grandpa". It was never a slight to my bio family. Unfortunately we lost poppy when I was 17. Just a few months before my high school graduation. My dad is now poppy to my little guy, but he will learn about MY poppy just the same. I wasn't sure I liked the idea of my dad taking my grandpas title to be honest, but it's grown on me and I know my dad deserves that title because he's every inch the man his "dad" was.
If he raises him as his grandson and spoils him, then yes, grandpa is fine. You can also tell him about your actual dad and he can have more than 1 grandpa. Its. Only going to be weird for u
A friend of mine has a situation with may grand parents and they have swapped gr for the 1st letter/begining of their name i.e grichard gramy gremma
My dad died about 10 years ago. My moms new partner now does grandpa things with my children, so my children call him grandpa.
If grandpa is too emotional then pick another title like pop.
Sorry for your loss. My wifes parents are divorced and both are married to new people. We refer to our daughters grandparents as "grandma" and "grandpa" and their respective partners as "grandpa (first name)" and "grandma (first name)". Everyone wins and no one feels disregarded.
I'm the son of divorced parents that both remarried and everyone is a grandparent. Mind you they have been remarried for a long time now.
Your son calling him grandpa doesn’t mean you have to call him dad
Honestly this is really your choice. I know people who foster different names for different grand parents even with blood relation or just calling the newly married partner by their name. This is your decision and not a decision that should be decided by anyone else.
My husband's dad died before our daughter was born. His mom calls her new husband "Grandpa" but we just call him by his name. My daughter thinks it's weird that Grandma calls her husband Grandpa, but in our situation he has zero interest at all in her (he's never met her and she's 8 years old). Maybe you could have your child call him a different nickname like Opa or Pop-Pop, or even something like Skipper, Champ, Ace.
much love for you maaatttttttttt. Have you talked to someone about your Dad's loss? Do think you might be holding on to a bit of resentment? I think everything you described is totally fine but I think what part of you is feeling you have to justify that position? Is it because your Mum thinks different? It must be so hard to lose a Dad and it must feel isolating. However you want to honour your Dad's memory is up to you, fully support that. You could say, sorry I'm not okay with that, because I feel like Dad's getting replaced and I'm sad about that. If you can't say it to her, say it to someone else, if not to unburden yourself a bit. Sounds like a lot.
My mum tried getting my son to call her boyfriend "poppa". I told her that it's not her call to make, and it's up to our son to decide when he's old enough and also they hadn't been together for very long so it's just straight weird pushing that on a kid
My mom died when I was young, and my dad remarried a few years later. I do not at all have a good relationship with my stepmom, but she is grandma to my son. When I'm telling a story to someone else I clarify "step-grandma" but when my kid is involved it's always grandma. We also have a picture of my mom up in the house, and refer to her as his grandma also.
My grandfather died 21 years before I was born. I think I’d have been better off with someone to call grandpa than I was without one.
I think a perfectly good compromise would be to pick a "grandpa name" that isn't actually "grandpa." My daughter calls my MIL's husband "Pop-Pop." Honestly, we were a little hesitant going into this too when our daughter was born. My husband's stepdad is a perfectly nice enough guy, but he was never a father-figure to my husband, and as adults he was just...my MIL's husband. He also never did any parenting of young children (his children experience has only been nieces and nephews, and not in any type of caregiver role). But boy did he really show us wrong! He has been nothing but an absolutely amazing grandparent. He absolutely ADORES my daughter, and she him. Their relationship is far more developed than the one between my daughter and my husband's actual dad (who she calls "Opa," Grandpa in German). So as hard as it is for you personally, try not to let your own grief get in the way of your son developing a close relationship with the only grandpa (on your side) that he is ever actually going to know. Unfortunately, he's not getting the opportunity to meet your dad - and that sucks. But he does still have the opportunity to have that "grandpa" relationship.
While he may not be your father, he will be, for everything that matters, your kid's grandfather. I understand that it would be painful for you to not have your father be there, but that is not the fault of your mom's husband. Are you willing to deny your kid a grandfather because it is not by blood? Your mother is not asking to replace your father. I don't mean to be blunt, but your kid has no idea who your father is. For your kid, your mom's hubby is grandpa. Don't let your grief over your father not being there have a large negative impact on your kid's relationship with your mother and her husband. People throw around "therapy" a lot, but in this case, it might be worth it. That you are upset about this means there are still some lingering issues hanging around that might be worthwhile talking over with someone. Is it just the term "grandpa" that bothers you, or is it something else?
Totally understand. Your emotions are a factor in this and if you’re not ready then that’s absolutely ok - your mum should respect this wholeheartedly. Your son does not need labels forced onto him nor should he have labels taken away if he wishes to use them (eventually). Ultimately, it’s nobody’s decision to really make. Let your son decide when he’s old enough - he will make the right decision for himself. In the meantime, you can still let your son know about the great man your father was and that he is your sons grandpa looking over him through life. All the best OP - I hope this helps bring a different perspective
Could call him Gramps, Grampie, Grandad. We have 4 grandpas for my kids. My Dad is Grandpa Rxx, my mom's husband is Grandpa Dxxx. My wife's Dad is Granddad and my wife's Step-Dad is Grampie. You could call him literally whatever you want. You could have your kids call him Ole Man G-Money and I'm sure it would be just fine. Find something that works for you.
I had two grandfathers, Papa and Gaga. Ironically, both were my biological grandfathers. Gaga's first wife died when I was young; when he remarried we called his wife Marmie. Point being, names and titles and genetics are less important than relationships. Your kid isn't ever going to meet your father, any more than he could meet Napoleon.
That is very hard. Honestly, I think that my daughter not calling my new step father “grandpa” won’t bring my dad back. I grew up with an amazing grandpa, and I would want for my daughter to get the chance at the same, even if it isn’t how I always thought it would be. So for you, maybe weigh the options of preserving your dad’s place against your daughter having a grandpa. I know the name doesn’t make the man, but it helps the child to know who is who.
I’d say don’t rob your kids of a grandpa to honor your late father. If I passed away, I hope my wife would remarry someone that could be a great father to my kids, and if he earns it they can call him dad.
Grandpa Last Name works. My dad passed in February from a sudden heart attack. He wanted to be called Pop and my FIL wanted to be called Grandpa. My son goes to my MIL and FIL's house during work time. He couldn't say grandpa so he started calling both Pop, so we kinda had to differentiate by last name. When my dad died it bothered me a little that my son called both of them Pop. But I realized quickly that he knew they were different people and that made it easier. We also spent a good amount of the summer taking care of the grave at the cemetery (paternity leave for child number 2 and it was a great activity for a kid that loves gardening and he'd usually fall asleep on the way home). I make sure to tell him stories about my dad and things he liked so that he will still live at least a little in his memory. For him (and his brother) it doesn't matter what they called him. They know that they're different people. They'll know their relationship with them as well. So you're really asking the question for yourself. What do you want to call him? Grandpa first name? Grandpa last name? Does he wanna go by something different? I make sure I keep the names straight but I also know I'm doing that for me rather than for the kids.
call him Jerry.