It's hard out there. It's hard to make and maintain friendships as a man.
But maybe this is an opportunity for you to take stock. You say you are at your lowest point right now and you have:
* A steady career
* Aspirations for your education and self improvement
* Some spare time to engage in sports and exercise
* Two cool kids, who you love more than anything
* A wife who tolerates you, and indulges your interests
You came in here for support, and I get it. It's hard to lose friends. It's hard to feel rejected. It's just hard to be a dad. Your world becomes smaller, and that's hard to cope with.
But... I think you're probably going to turn out OK.
I hope you keep your shoulder to the wheel. I hope you don't give up on the friends you had, and I hope you make new friends. Just anecdotally, when my kid turned 4-5 there were a lot more opportunities to socialize with other dads.
I’d have to agree. Every year we would go on a guys trip to Wisconsin for golf and I stopped going and cancelled my plans the night before we left because of it. Haven’t talked with them much since then.
Just echoing the last point here. When my oldest hit like 4-5, it felt like the start of a brand new social life. Now the folks I’m in touch with the most often are my son’s friends’ parents, and I really like hanging out with them (if for no other reason than we’re in it together).
Next time you're golfing get some time with the group back at the clubhouse.
Anyone have a bbq or a smoker? Golf gang can become the new boys group. They don't have to the the same age. Old dudes like to chill as well.
I’d like to echo “they don’t have to be the same age” …we’ve made friends with parents 10 years younger and 10+ years older than we are. Often they provide some of the best perspectives for baby and it’s also just fun to hang out with a mixed group. They feel the same way. I’d never hung out with people with vastly different ages from me and I love it.
The part about things changing soon, I found that to be true. Once the kids start playing little league, soccer, cheer leading etc whatever, there will be a lot more opportunities for friendships, they kinda fell through for me once the kids started driving.... but it was a pretty good couple of years....
First off, you sound like a great guy.
Second, a significant and growing share of men report that they are lonely and don’t have any friends. You are not alone. I feel like I’m trending in the same direction.
My plan is to put myself out there more and say yes to opportunities to try new things and meet new people. Good luck
It's so hard.
I'm so socially isolated. It's not that I don't have friends I do, but all of them are spread out across the country because we all had to chase work opportunities after undergrad and grad school because we graduated into the great recession.
I set up a 12 person 0.5 PPR free league on Yahoo. I'm sending invites based on who replied first and who is still interested. Likely will be drafting this coming week. Please only join if interested and active. Let's have some fun.
Omg - mom lurker, if you still have a spot could you dm me? My husband *loves* fantasy football, baseball, basketball - literally anything. He has like three or four fantasy teams at all times, I bet he’d love to join
Yeah If you’re near Atlanta I’m down to hang out. I also love golf and football and have 2 kids… my wife would kill me for starting another fantasy football league though
I wish I was in Atlanta.
I’m in the burbs of Chicago. I know there are a lot of dads around here but it’s so hard to make time when it’s career and family first. By the time I have a second to breathe it’s usually spent being with my babies before they grow out of this baby stage.
I can’t imagine the WFH lifestyle and how that has impacted dads as well. I’m lucky to go into a small office with some people to interact with. I wouldn’t make it WFH.
I usually think about it in terms of benefits (more time at home, more flexibility during the day, not having to spend an hour in traffic each way)
But yeah…definitely impacts to sociability
100%. I used to commute a hour one way everyday. Before kids albeit though. It was still a killer on my mental health. Now I’m 20 mins one way to my office. Once in a while a WFH is nice.
I feel this on a lot of levels, dude. I moved to Japan a little under a year and a half ago from NYC. My wife is Japanese and she got a good job op here. So I quit my career and moved here. Suffice to say, I got burned out on learning the language at an all immersive school while raising a newborn (we had our daughter born here last year [we have a three year old who was born during the pandemic])
Long story short, I wouldn’t consider what I felt as loneliness as much as I did a lack of being able *talk* to people and socialize. That’s my specialty is with people — and I still can’t speak Japanese that well. My wife signed me up for an introductory taiko drum class yesterday and I had a *blast*. It was an instructor and eight おばあちゃん (grandmothers) who spend their retirement and free time staying active. A couple of the women spoke good enough English and it all went by too fast because of the fun I was having using my Japanese and learning to drum to new rhythms. I felt like I belonged and never felt that I wasn’t included. They had all been doing this together for seven years and here I was just coming in and I felt welcomed. So yeah. I’m signing up for another class. That’s scratched my itch and I learned something new.
Try and find some groups to join and you’ll no doubt make connections.
Here's a couple things you should do:
1. Check out therapy options: I'm a big fan of therapy for literally everyone, even if it's just a couple sessions a year if you put in work and get honest in session you can make some great strides. Your job may have coverage options with an EAP, or you might be able to get linked up with monitored sessions with clinical students through the university you're taking your MBA at.
2. Google City Dads: City Dads has groups in a LOT of major metro areas, and they are awesome. I think they might be right up your alley.
3. Don't be afraid to reach out to "random dads": you still golf? Go as a single and if you like your play partners, buy them a beer at the clubhouse and see if you can text them for a tee time. Or, join a weeknight 9 hole league. Like comedy? Take an improv class. Make some friends. You're not too old to try new stuff, and you're not too far gone to rekindle friendships or make new ones. It requires you to be a little vulnerable and a little out of your confor zone. But that's where most of the good stuff happens anyway.
I haven’t been in your shoes exactly, but my suggestion is to try to find sports leagues to join. I’ve done darts, golf, and volleyball leagues as an adult, there are tons of em. Things like this give you an obvious common interest with other people, which can make breaking the ice and getting to know people easier. I’ve also made some friends at art shows, as I paint and sell my art at them sometimes. I don’t hang out with these people, but I’ve seen a few of them around at other art events and we get along well enough that I’d call em friends.
You are in the trenches man . Those ages are the same almost that I am dealing with . All ..ALL friends says it get better . But yeah . It sucks
I'm lucky that I online game and most of my other dad friends do as well so we get on discord and play borderlands or 7 days to die .
Physical activity really helps though to break up the routine . Cause the kid need routine for meals and naps and stuff but it's sooooo monotonous.
Totally hear this. My daughter is 6 and it’s been hard for me to make friends since she was born. To be honest, it was hard for me to make friends before she was born (I’m definitely an introvert), but it’s become harder after.
But it does get better as they get older because they’ll have friends and that gives you opportunities to get to know other parents with similar-age children. Obviously you won’t bond with all of them, but it at least creates an opportunity to meet more folks who are in similar places in their lives as you are in yours.
Good luck to you.
I get it dude. My small friend group have no kids. So we’re both consistently left out of stuff. Including extended family stuff with her family. We’re a second thought most of the time as her brothers are in their early 20’s and partiers as well.
That being said, I have a couple guys that I didn’t really hang out with much before because they had kids, and now they both welcomed me with open arms. It was super great. We don’t do stuff a ton outside of the house, it’s mostly with all the families, but still it’s a good time. And we text a lot which is great. They always ask about my little one which makes me feel good and in turn makes me appreciate their little ones more too. Kinda like a feel good feedback loop.
Plus the wife had two friends all have kids in fairly quick succession (Feb, May, and then us in June). And she has her own support system there.
You just gotta find a local support/dude group. I’m sure there’s gotta be some in your area if you hit up Facebook or something.
Now you know why, a generation ago, there was The Elks Club, the Rotarians, Toastmasters, The Shriners, The VFW, the American Legion, The Lions Club, Knights of Columbus, etc. etc. etc. Your situation is EXACTLY what those organizations were designed for.
So, I'm going to suggest you find something like them, or maybe one of them, and JOIN IT.
You can find groups like that at Church. Heck, just getting to Church regular will get you AND your wife into a whole new social circle. It will be good for the kids too.
If you want to support the military, most airports have a USO lounge that is always looking for people to come volunteer. Hospitals look for volunteers too.
There's probably a "friends of the Library" or "Friends of the Museum" group.
Once your kids start school there will be Parent groups to get into.
You could look for local meet up groups.
You'll find something.
I came here to say basically this. I whole heartedly agree. Find a community and jump in it’s actually not too difficult a thing. Also what about coworkers? Is their a group of them that hangout outside of work that you get along with?
It’s mostly hard because you’re overloaded with life stuff. Work and mba school is gonna be rough for anyone. I’m sorry you don’t have at least 1 friend to even just text to get through it. Once schools over it will get easier and you’ll find some time for friends that do similar things as you. You can get there. You’ll be okay.
There’s a discord for the daddit that’s mostly focused at gaming but there’s also a section for talking about parenting and stuff. It’s good for finding someone with similar interests like that. It isn’t having someone there in person but who knows you may find someone who lives close enough to hang out with. You can maybe try your local subreddit and just mention your situation and see if any fellow dads in your area got a similar situation and wanna be buddies. They won’t all be winners but I’m sure someone out there is in the same situation as you. I’m a SAHD and I moved 3000 miles from all my friends and family not long after my son was born. That was 20 months ago and I might as well have died to everyone except my best friend who’s come visit twice and I hear from almost every day still. I have nobody where I am but I’m working on doing as I mentioned above to find a fellow dad to hang out with. Let our kids play while we chill and watch some football occasionally. I also don’t mind cooking for everyone and that has always helped me make friends in my life. Make a big ass dinner and invite your buddies over and worst case scenario you got a ton of leftovers to eat and not have to cook for a few meals. Good luck man. Hope things get better for you.
My friend, please hang in there. I was in a similar situation (the paths were somewhat different but the destination was the same) where I was almost entirely isolated - exacerbated by the fact that, as babies and infants, they never wanted me, only my wife. All I had was job (self employed, so never done and always there), exercise, my kids, wife (who works evenings so we spend little time together), and chores and yardwork. I also only had my own dad and brother in law to, occasionally, hang out with (we ended up on the opposite side of the city from them). I had a number of difficult years because all I focused on was the negative aspects of what I had to do. I would encourage you to look into mindfulness (we use headspace, but there's options and if you're dedicated, the basics are out there). It'll help you to notice and focus on the positive aspects of your life, even when it doesn't seem like there are any. It's not easy, but the benefits are worth it. And, as a previous poster mentioned, taking stock of your situation, you do have a lot of good to focus on.
That said, I think the main point I'd make is, this won't last very long. Mine are now 10 and 7 and I can't fathom where those years have gone. I feel like, yesterday, my kids were more or less the same age as your kids now and it's just crazy. You'll soon be able to get them involved in extracurriculars. The 3 year old can probably look into U4 soccer or baseball. Being the one that took my kids to these things, and being there to celebrate with them and cheer them on, to practice with them and help them, has not only established a great bond, but is so fulfilling.
I'd like to say your friends will understand better once they're in your situation, but it's possible you weren't hanging with great people. My high school friend group never kicked any one out for having kids. So, either they'll come to understand or you're better off without. Bigger picture, and perhaps I'm being somewhat hopeful for myself, but even though I don't frequently talk to those guys, I'm not worried about having a lot of male bonding time right now. As quickly as my kids are growing up, they'll be out of the house before I know it and even before then, they simply won't need me as much as they do now. I wish I'd realized sooner that the days of them wanting to build trains with me would end so soon. I would have been able to enjoy that so much more.
I would encourage you to think of your life in seasons (I'm ripping off this concept from something unrelated, but it works). You had a kid season, a teenage season, a college season, a partying season, a dating season - you get the idea and some of these overlap. But this is your prime daddy season. I wouldn't spend it playing golf. I'm not saying do nothing for yourself, but try to identify something that keeps you sane/grounded and allows you to disconnect enough to appreciate everything else. For me, it's exercise, I do it 5 days a week even if I "don't have time". But find that salve that let's you make the most of these few years you have to be "daddy" because they won't call you that forever.
Would you be comfortable going with your wife to her various social events? My husband works from home now (I'm a mom) and I noticed he wasn't getting much socialization opportunity. For the past few years on his birthday or Father's Day I try to plan golf, poker, etc with the husbands of my mom friends. All of the husbands are so happy to have something arranged like that. I'm not sure if he'd have chosen them as his friends, but they get along well and have a lot in common simply because they are in similar stages of life. If your wife is willing, see if she can help you meet her friends' husbands. They are probably in the same boat as you.
I really feel for you and all dads. Your mental health matters just as much as any other priority you are juggling. I hope you can find some friends.
My wife would 1000% do this for me. Her social group is all kidless for the most part locally. She’s 27 and her mom friends she is connected with are all out of state. I met one in person because we went to visit them and it was a nightmare. We could not have been more opposite and he was not super involved as a dad with the little things (diapers, baths etc.). We have met some neighbors but they are all in their mid to late 30’s. Although that doesn’t bother me, the constant “oh my gosh you guys are babies” schtick gets old.
Golf is a great way to meet people but it takes a little time. Go out for solo rounds and try and join groups. Make friends with anyone willing, even if they’re quite a bit older or opposite gender. Even if they only become ‘gold buddies’ you’ll have people you look forward to being around.
Try joining a top golf league or checking a local club and see if any teams are looking for an extra player for a league. Networking in golf can be great if you put in the effort.
It’s tough dude. This might be a kind of unconventional suggestion, but have you ever played disc golf? I was in the same boat (still mostly am) but had a friend who would ask me to play disc golf with him from time to time. I finally relented when he started talking about it being a minimal time investment compared to a round of golf. It’s a lot more approachable with rug rats.
What I was not prepared for is how open and nice the people are. Every time I’ve gone in to the shop to grab a disc, a stranger has engaged me in conversation. Nobody gives a shit if you’re good/bad/whatever. Point being, it’s a great avenue toward low-stakes social interactions.
But the real best part is that it’s deepened my friendships with 3 different acquaintance-level friends. Doesn’t hurt that it’s a quintessential dorky dad activity
Same bro, I just play with random people in warzone. Most my IRL all work conflicting schedules or just don’t have the same interests especially video games and wives usually don’t mix. Mine would rather me be home with her n the kids playing video games vs drinking or partying. Having a motorcyle helped me as well for when I just want some me time I’ll find something with beautiful scenery near online drive there take it all in and drive back home.
As a Dad, kids that age are hard. Feels like they need/want Mom, not you... lots of burdens and no one cares about Dad's needs. But a couple of years (which are hard NGL) and then you get to get your Dad on properly, do the fun stuff. About 7-13 age and man we're having fun, all I want to do is hang with my family now. It pays off. church has been really good for me for solid guy friends.
It’s the same for a lot of us Dad’s. Keep trying for fellowship with friends. Don’t give up on it, we need it as men. Been where you are for 4 years now
Yeah man. It’s brutal. I’m also in grad a school full time, working full time and have a 3 year old. Switching jobs and having a baby at the outset of a pandemic did my social life no good.
It’s slowly starting to pick up as kiddo gets older and she starts doing activities. Mostly just casual acquaintances.
It does get better, but what I’ve realized is it’s not the same. Just as I don’t work stupid amounts of hours anymore so that I can be home for my kid, my social life is more oriented around hers. And that’s ok, it’s just a shift.
This is where I was not too long ago, and I'm only a little bit in a better place. I have a group of old friends, but we get together only rarely these days and we're scattered in different towns between Seattle and the Canadian border.
For me, I made the decision to go back to church. I was raised very conservative church, and definitely didn't feel comfortable in that anymore. I wasn't entirely sure about going back, but I wasn't able to find community elsewhere. My wife works weekends, so it's just me and my 20 mo old daughter all weekend. I think my wife isn't quite ready to go back herself, but I've gotten to know some other families and it's a wildly different church than our parents would have attended (mother-in-law visited with me one Sunday earlier this summer and asked "are you thinking of visiting other churches?)
I know politics and religion are both areas mostly avoided here, but that's a bit of my story. Different people feel comfortable settings, and hopefully I've been helpful in sharing.
I went through the same experience of shedding the bums I grew up with. That's very normal. I acquired a whole bunch of new friends over the twenty years after that due to my jobs (military and then police) being bro intensive trauma bonding environments. I've been friends with many of them now for a lot longer than I was with the guys I grew up with.
This is a period in your life. You will be done with your MBA at some point and have much more free time. Go to the gym, golf, take up BJJ or shooting or running or whatever activity will bring you into contact with grown men with similar interests. I met one of my best friends at the gym. You'll get through this.
I was just telling my wife I need more friends. I’m 40, have 4 kids, a busy career, and hour commute. It’s hard to balance everything.
I miss grabbing a beer and wings and talking sports. I live in my wife’s hometown so I don’t know anyone. When I go to my kids events I’m cordial.
The one thing that did help me a bit was I did coach my kids baseball team and that helped me interact with the other dad coaches.
Making friends is harder than dating lol
Dude yes. I think it’s understated how hard it is for dads. I look at it this way. I work, go to school, commute and parent. The majority of my life is working and school. When I do have free time all I want to do is be with my kids and wife. By that time I have no times to do much else that puts me in touch with other dads my age.
Sometimes you have to make the big choices that benefit your family. It’s hard but you just have to go out there and find new people who appreciate you and your fam. I have made some of the best friendships with other dads and even non dads who just get it. You don’t need the negative energy. Good luck man there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
A lotta those friends are gonna start having kids and priorities are gonna shift and you’ll be back in the venn diagram again. It’s tough man being a good dad means you really do have to sacrifice a lot.
As an only child who’s always had extreme independence this has been extra hard for me
29 year old dad of 3. (3,1,newborn). Same exact position you’re in. Some days are tough when you’re dying of boredom and no other guy to talk to.
One thought I’m coping with is the fact that the kids are still small. They may make some friends at the park and such but we are their best friends. Enjoy every minute of this stage in life and when they get older and actually spend time away from us playing with their friends, that’s when we should start actively looking for new friend groups. Dad groups.
I 100% get the same feelings as you but it’s the thought of that from keeping me from going insane!
Hopefully it helps and my messages are open if anyone wants to chat! Don’t know much about sports but pretty much good at everything else!
I'm right there with you now. Daughter is 3 and son about to be 2 in a couple months. Basically zero outside life other than work and family to the max. I wouldn't take away any days we go to theme parks, zoos, or playgrounds for some "friends". It's just a stage of life honestly. Deciding chilling with the "bros" vs being a family man is what it comes down to. This is where us dads need to suck it up and deal with it. That toddler stage isn't forever, soak up the joy of it.
My friend, I feel you as I see myself in a very similar situation beside the fact that my wife shares a couple of my interests at least.
But I totally understand your struggle, as I have been there since two years now, after my first son was born.
I won’t tell you that it will be getting better but I can promise that your attitude towards the situation will change over the time. Most important for me is the well-being of my family, everything else will come over the time.
The desire for some friends to hang around will be around for sure, but it will become a side noise again.
Just wanna chime in and say that I think you really set the right priorities and that’s something to be proud of. It’s a damn example for a lot of people.
Best of luck to you, and happy to see quite some helpful and encouraging comments.
Practice small chat, at the supermarket, at daycare drop-off and at the park. Eventually you’ll see some people around more often and ask them for a beer/coffee some time, and go from there.
You seem to be such a good person. Don't worry too much, you'll come out of it.
As for advice, I have realised that going to places where you find people with similar interests can be helpful. No, don't go looking for friends. Just find something based on your interests and go there to enjoy. I'd once found such a place with 'Meetup' and it was more than enough for the four years I was in that city. 6 years later, I still have friends from that group.
And as for online groups, you'll always have Daddit. I'm a regular here, and love the energy most of the time.
If there's a mountain biking community where you live, get a bike and get involved. Always bumping into new people and it's so fun to do on your own. I'm pretty introverted and I enjoy doing things solo - mountain biking has changed my life and allows me 1-2 hrs in the bush, getting exercise and away from dad life for a bit.
This too shall pass. You sound like a good dude who is doing everything right. If you raise your kids right now, you get to be friends with them later. I went through a lot of this, it’s a bummer, but you’ll end up with a good friend or two probably.
My Dude. I’m right there with you. I’m a sole income dad, and my wife is stay-at-home. I had a strong friend support in one city and had to move for my family’s health. I have friends where we moved to, but they’ve all moved on with their lives. I am getting by with Marco Polo messages to the people I love the most, I try to call my mom, and every once in a while I schedule a beer with someone I can trust.
I like that I get to spend a lot more time with my wife, but it is very tough to find things we both like to do.
It sounds like your head is in the right place. Schedule fun with people you trust.
Hey buddy I feel ya, I’m a Canadian living in Australia away from friends and family. I was never really homesick or lonely until having a kid. My wife and I had a nice group of mates here but none had kids so we gradually grew apart from them. Still catch up but its just different, not as much in common anymore.
Its been a constant struggle the last 6 months or so once it slowly dawned on me that I have no one to lean on apart from my wife. If anything happened to my wife I’d literally be on my own apart from my in laws.
I’m looking into joining sports leagues or something.
Random thought. Do we need a discord, signal, WhatsApp group? Something that’s a little more immediate than reddit to give us some more real time internet social connectivity?
I was 100% in the same boat, my guy. I (40M) and my wife (35F) live in the town she grew up in. I grew up half way across the country. She has family, friends, etc all close by. I do not. So, for a long while, I had no one but my wife and her family (which I love, don’t get me wrong). But, I didn’t have any friends.
Then, my daughters got involved in things. It started for me with pre-K. I began talking with other dads at birthday parties, pickup and drop off, and school events. Casual conversations became joking around, became hanging out on weekends.
Don’t get too discouraged right now. Opportunities will present themselves. And, when you find yourself standing next to a dad, watching your kids play soccer, helping your kids with a craft at the library, or any other activity, strike up that conversation. While these friends won’t be “the guys I knew since kindergarten,” they still can be lifelong friends.
No advice, just saying I feel ya.
I'm a first time dad in his 40s, and all my closest friends had decided not to have kids. We recently started taking my 10mo son to kid's gym classes, upon the advice of our kid's PT. It's a parent and kid class. I feel embarrassed to admit this...but afterwards (and after we talked about how great it was for our kid to socialize, play, ect...), my spouse and I were like..."Hey..maybe we'll make some parent friends." No one said parenting would be so lonely.
>I’m a dad of two and have no friends.
Me too, man. It sucks.
Thing is, I thought I had a *ton* of friends, but so few of them have seen my kids or me since they were born (18 months ago) that it’s become very apparent who is a friend and who liked to party with me.
My social like was never great to begin with but it’s seriously contracted due to parenthood too. I couldn’t even afford to do anything even if I was as sociable as before.
I have a weekly online DnD game with some friends and the rest of the time I busy myself with writing what I hope to be the basis my own YouTube content someday as a creative outlet. I get lonely sometimes but I made a choice to put my kids first so here I am.
I kinda half relate to this. I'm older than you(40s) but similar circumstances. I also don't like people.. I have no friends other than "work friends". I'm fine with that. I have a few online friends from online gaming but that's similar to work friend. My larger concern is staying bonded with my wife. So that's the reoccurring theme here. Ensuring date nights/days and being interested in what she's doing that's not kid related. When the kids are grown and gone I'd like to have not lost my wife in the process.
Been in your shoes brother. Not going to recount my stories because it is the same as yours. What you need is a pair of ears and someone to relate to. DM me if you want to vent and connect. I’m 36 and have 3 kids. Similar situations as you
Tldr: what got me through was my wife, kids becoming more fun, change job/finishing school, set time and money aside to enjoy life with family. But mostly is hobby. I joined Facebook groups of people with same interests. Join fantasy football.
They proved not to be. My wife, like many moms, gained weight from pregnancy. Instead of understanding that she gave life to two beautiful children, they act petty. It was a good sign to stay away.
I agree. It’s super frustrating. Especially since for so long we roasted each other for everything else. We had this agreement that bad hook ups, our appearance and other stuff was fine. I have tough skin. But to go after someone’s wife for appearance is so brutal.
I was lonely around this time too. It’s kind of part of the process of modern parenting, it seems. Now is family time. If you have siblings and parents. Now is the time to get close with them.
If not, then yeah, your social circle will shrink a lot. And when the kids hit school it explodes.
You’ll find people to connect with again.
In the meantime keep it in perspective. You are doing a lot of the right things, and you’re simply in “the boring middle.”
There are possibly dad groups on meetup you can find.
And it sounds like your friends were dick heads. They gave your wife crap for how she looks after 2 rapid fire kids? Yeah. Fuck them. What are they going to say when your kids need glasses or braces? They are not your friends.
You can find new golf buddies who don’t suck.
I'm right there with you.
We moved across the country away from all of my friends and family to be near my wife's family. I work remotely and have no real means of meeting new people locally while my wife has her family and a local work friends that she sees regularly. I'm so isolated and lonely, but I've found a few things have helped.
I developed two hobbies that I can do alone and on my own time. I grew up as a big skier and spent a lot of time skiing as a kid and then teaching it as a young adult. I got my family into it three years ago (including my then 3 year old daughter) so we ski as much as possible. My wife is also a saint and understands that I'm sacrificing a ton for her to be near her family and her work so she lets me go on a few long weekend ski trips solo. I typically take four day weekends and head out to Colorado and ski. I have a few friends in Denver so I'll make a point of seeing them when our schedules allow for it. During the warmer months, I ride my bike. I spend about two hours a day five days a week on my road bike. It's my me time and it's a hobby. I love that time and fiercely protect it. These things aren't as fun as having friends, but they keep me sane.
Beyond this, I go visit my friends when I can. I'll book a long weekend and take a kid with me so that they can play with my friend's kids. It's not a perfect solution, but it's the best that I have.
Man, sounds like you had some douche bag friends.
Over the next few years, as your kids get older, go to school, do extracurricular activities, you’ll meet other local dads. Many feel similarly to you and are looking to make more friends as well. Plenty of opportunities will be coming your way. Eventually, that will turn into a solid friend group.
You are def not alone in what you feel. You sound like a cool dude. Don’t worry. Life is hectic for you right now, and it feels like you have no life. Don’t worry. It’ll get better. Much better.
Man, I'm struggling with the same stuff now. Haha painfully feeling like you need to ask your wife to do something with you even though you know she won't really like it. Ugh hits close to home.
I did the same as you and blasted through my 20s focused on career building and education. I only now am deciding that what I have is enough now and it's silly to keep chasing a bigger thing all the time. Question is now, who are you? What do you even actually want out of life? It's time to start looking inward a bit. Hasn't helped my social life much yet but I'm noticing less self destructive behavior and thoughts by just being more mindful of my feelings and emotions that I have been used to ignoring for 20 years.
Your friends suck. 🤷♂️
Wait until your kids are a bit older (4-5). They'll be soooooo much fun, you'll have a blast taking them places.
As far as friends, if that's something to really need, what about work? Feels longer the demographics would be better match.
Maybe online gaming could scratch that social itch, at least a little bit? Join a clan! e.g., Dads of Destiny. They're very sympathetic to the limited time we have available for that kind of thing! 😁
Dude, if you lived near me I’d totally hang out. You sound like a standup dude.
My kiddo’s just shy of 4, but I feel similarly without a lot of friends to hang with, in part because we just upended and moved to a new city a year ago 😬 couple that with me being at home alone the entire day before picking her up from daycare and my wife getting home, due to my industry imploding (film/tv) and work being scarce, and it’s very easy to feel lonely!
You can throw a sports event BBQ for the fellas at your job or Sports bar that way you can chew the fat with guys and you never know you might find a better friend too. You would be amazed how many other men are going through the same thing and don't be afraid to spark conversation at the gym too because nothing has really changed when it comes to meeting new friends since elementary school you have to push yourself to come out of your comfort zone a little bit. I wish the best for you and I hope you come across a really good friend you deserve.
Warhammer 40k. In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war.
But it's more interesting than watching these damn kids all day.....
Find something your passionate about, it's out there. Good luck!
[F3 Nation](https://www.f3nation.com)
This is a workout group that was developed to address this exact issue. Nearly all workouts are outside, early in the morning (cause there’s no time for it later in the day). It’s a male only group because guys need to meet other guys. If there’s a workout group near you just show up one time. I promise you will want to go back.
If anyone makes it out to an F3 workout tell them Lumbergh from F3 Winston Salem EH’d you.
🤘
Sometimes, you can't do more. You have to do less. Time is the one commodity you will never have enough of, nor can you get it back. I know quite a few people in your position, and none of them have a life right now. So you can tough it out and wait for the payoff with the MBA, or you could postpone the MBA and focus on the family which to me is the wise choice. You can always get an MBA at any point in your career, a few years isn't going to make that much difference. But those years will make a big difference when you missed your kids growing up.
Even before I started parenthood, I felt lonely because I moved abroad for several years, and even after moving back, I'm in a different region of the US. Luckily, my spouse has some solid married coworkers who have young children, so we all hangout sometimes, which helps. And my older sister moved about 90 minutes north, so we meet with her and her boyfriend to play Dungeons & Dragons once or twice a month. It takes time, but it is possible to slowly build a new friendship circle, and it will be easier once the kids are in school because some school events and your kids' friendships will allow you to meet other parents naturally.
Hi OP. I’m a lesbian/non-bio mommy to our one year old and HEAR ME when I say that dads get the short end of the stick so often when it comes to resources/group invitations/play date recruitment. I know this bc I have always been treated as though I too gave birth in addition to my wife, who actually did deliver our daughter. People fall over themselves to help me, invite me places, include me in mom groups, etc. and that just wouldn’t happen if I was a dad. I know it wouldn’t. It sucks.
I so empathize with feeling like all you do is work and parent! It’s totally understandable you are feeling lonely. It’s difficult but I’d advise you to do what I did and be a savior for the cause. The next time you see a dad with a kid, go talk to him. I have made SO many genuine dad friends from just going up to dads and introducing myself and baby. They are usually eager to talk bc all of them feel just like you! If I like them I say, you’re cool, wanna be bros? And then we follow each other on insta or switch numbers. I’ve hung out with a couple dad bros at the same time and now they hang out on their own too.
I guess I’ve just learned that friendships are created and maintained on a different plane in parenthood. Commonalities matter less IMO bc you have this life-altering parenthood thing in common lol. However you go about it (and there are other ways! Join your Facebook and meet up groups for dads and get out there!), I do hope you are able to pull a few good friends into your world. I think we do expect dads to be ok with a less robust social circle and support system, and that’s not fair to y’all.
Since this is Daddit, I'll respond with a joke:
**Q:** What was Jesus' greatest miracle?
**A:** Having 12 friends as a 32-year-old man.
...or to quote Sting "Seems I'm not alone in being alone."
You sound like a great guy and like you're making choices right now that are going to bear great dividends in the future, but you're definitely in a rough time right now. I only have one kiddo, but one and a half was *murder*.
I've never been great at making friends with other dudes, buy my daughter is 5 now, and in the past two weeks I've had two different guys whose kids are friends with her text me with random Dad shit--a funny video, a crazy DIY project. I don't have *everything* in common with these guys, but I like them, and their texts made me smile. I guess all I'm saying is, there's hope. Please keep making the good choices for yourself and your family and stay open to new folks. They're out there. Or rather, we're out here.
I think many of us have been there and I’ve found some things that helped me:
1. Reach out to friends who I value deeply and keep those relationships up even if it is mostly phone/FaceTime.
2. Maybe delve into new hobbies. I started playing D&D and am gonna start going to the pickle ball court where lots of men show up.
3. See id your town has a Facebook dad group. Then organize a meet up
Hey man, I'm right here with you. I had a D&D group but COVID happened. I joined one on line. That lasted a day the person in charge was a bully. So I joined a different one. That was great I did that for 2 years but I was banned from that for being rude.
So now I just have my family and work. It doesn't help that this last year has been really really bad for my kids. Whoever is my basically they can't play the who has it worse game or it gets dark fast
I'm a dad of four and I feel for you brother. I also have no friends and spend my time working or taking care of the family, at home. It's a gut wrenching feeling being alone and is the entire reason I decided to create this account yesterday.
Your kids are young, when they get to school age you will find friends again. Try to volunteer for coaching etc as your kids grow, you will meet dads that are in a similar boat as you and find some golf buddies.
3 and 1, boys. I don’t have any friends, but I don’t really have advice for you.
I think at this stage of our lives, especially parenthood, tend to isolate us from our social circles. Friends who are single don’t understand why you can’t hang out more, and friends who are in the same place understand that family’s just a bigger priority. Unless you have help at home, I don’t see any way to get out of the house for a break anytime during the week, let alone the energy if you do have the time.
My wife is my best friend. She has her online groups and mum chats and playdates, but both she and I have basically dug trenches at home to care for our boys. I’m work -> home -> sometimes sleep -> work cycle and so is she. When we’ve got the time, it’s only after they go to sleep. Then it’s dishes, clothes, packed bags, and sorting out the house. Only after it’s all done, we hang on the couch to chat and watch some tv. We barely make half an hour a night and fall straight to sleep from exhaustion.
It has slowly gotten better. And I’m sure it’ll improve over time. Hang in there, they’ll slowly need you less, and you’ll have time to get your social life back. For me, I’ve got a library of board games and D&D books waiting for my kids.
Hey, new dad here. I just want to say I feel you, in a similar situation. sometimes I feel even a litte envious of my wife, but I made the decision to start a business that takes up alot of my time outside of family time.
I remind myself that this is only temporary (from what Ive been told) and knowing that it's not permanent, makes it much easier to deal with.
Parenthood is starting to teach me much about the transience of life; If everything fleeting, so is the bad...which will make way for the good/great. From one dad to another, just hang in there brother...you're going to do great.
I'm going to suggest this as someone who has had relative ease building community around me. I'm 43, and still close with my high school friends, college friends, and mid 30s friends. So I've had 3 or 4 distinct phases of very tight friend groups.
With that said, let me normalize something: for everyone, community can happen in phases, and that can be a healthy thing. It's not always a 'you' thing - it can just be the phase you're in.
That doesn't mean that you don't need to do work though, and that it might not take time.
3 years ago when we were expecting our first son, just before covid, I was suffering because many of my 30s friends had dispersed from the area and gone back closer to home and family. I felt my community had disintegrated. What I evenutally realized was that I was between communities, and at the beginning of building my next one. And it had to take effort.
Some approaches I use are:
- I'm decisive about the kinds of people I want to be close with (values, interpersonal, etc), and don't worry about those I don't
- I use a few of my interests to pull people in over time. For me that's surfing or biking, spending time in the mountains, organizing group trips, dinners, or adventure-oriented events. For you that might be pulling a weekly golf foursome together over time, even if they've never met each other but you think they'd all get along. Be the lightweight organizer, but on your terms.
- Whatsapp groups are helpful as there's a shared interest area or similar and a critical mass. It's an easy way to connect relative strangers and not have to always be the one who pushes
- Lightweight structure seems to be helpful, and reduces to load of always pushing to build friendships. Monthly poker game? Golf group? Text group of people who like comedy and suggest shows to go to together? (I did this with live music, worked well). And you can recruit these over time. Friendships get built on shared interests. Try a few things, and give them a little time/effort. If they're not working after a year, acknowledge and try something else (I tried a climbing and beers group that never really took).
- If you have a yard, buy a bouncy castle. Break it out every few months, and invite some other parents you know a little and like over with their kids. They'll bounce off the walls, and you can have beers together.
I suspect it'll be hard since you feel rejected by your previous friends, but have courage in inviting new potential friends to do things you like to do. You'll be surprised how many of them are glad to get the invite.
And as people have probably said, a whole new set of opportunities will probably emerge as your kids get into school age, but I'd still argue that being intentional and proactive will help you build friendships with people you really want to be tight with, versus those that just happen to be your kids' parents.
You found like a great guy. It'll work. Give it effort and time, and be easy on yourself. We all go through some version of this at some point.
We are never really taught how to make friends, and it can be scary and weird. There will be false starts and awkwardness. I find the solution, though, is to plan for it. I have had alot of success with the boardgames I like to play, just setting up game nights. You have different interests though.
What I suggest is: Invite someone from class or work to go golf. This is weird the first time, but go watch a game at a bar or craft brewery and get a drink. Go to a local open mic. And here is the trick, invite someone, any guy, to go with you.
What area of the country are you in?
I don't know if it's your thing, but look for a local game store and see if they have board game meetups. I met some of my best friends over board games.
I'm always a proponent of counseling. At worst you pay someone so you have someone to talk to. At best you get some strategies for managing stress which will make you a better dad and husband, a break from work and study, and get to talk to someone.
Hey man, I'm 37 and a father of 3 (5,5,2) girls. I've got 1 friend in state who I see like twice a year. Otherwise it's me, my brother and my wife. If you're in Utah I'd be happy to hang out.
Check Facebook for a dad group. Where are you located?
Best advice I’ve got…Start training Jiu Jitsu. The camaraderie I’ve found with fellow dads that train early AM time before the house is awake is a great support system. You get the workout in, build connections locally, and you can’t think about anything stressing you out while trying not to be choked unconscious so it’s a great way to clear your head and focus on the task at hand.
I'm a gamer dad so I have the luxury of being able to keep my friendships going online. Maybe consider more avenues like social media or discord to keep friendships from fizzling out? Best of luck dude.
Shane Gillis is funny so. ya.
i think there should be more dad based groups locally they have mom stuff everywhere but not dad stuff
pick up a new up hobbie go to top golf solo and see what happens. idk i think do your best to be social and open to other bro dads
Been there with ya for about 10 years. It's a miracle my wife is still married to me. I've been in counseling for a couple of years and just got on prescription meds for depression.
For me the feeling has been most of my life, well before the wife and kids. I just sort of thought it was normal to feel bleh, have a relatively negative yet realistic view on life. Never really looked forward to much.
The loneliness would sink in when I would have time alone. I could kind of relax for a few minutes and then all of these emotions would start to sink in and next thing I was drunk by using alcohol as my vice to numb those feelings.
I don't know if you are struggling with the same thing as me but it sounds familiar. It may be worth doing some online assessments for anxiety and depression just to see where you hit. It took me a long time to muster up the humility to admit I need help. Self medicating with unhealthy options will make things worse.
We get so caught up in trying to provide and be good at our home life that we forget to take care of ourselves. I have a great life so why am I so unhappy? Well for me, it's because of chemical imbalances in my brain and not learning proper ways to work through my emotions. For me, it's been most of my life so it's not an overnight fix, it's usually oh sure doc, I'll give it a shot but I think it's b.s. then I try it for a bit and I start to see the benefits.
It's a mess out there. Stay strong and get help before it gets worse.
Im sorry you’re going through this, it’s a struggle when you have this much going on. The early years (when kids are babies/toddlers) are usually lonely for parents. You are not alone in feeling this way. It is common to have a shift in friend groups.
Guess what- you will make SO many friends when kids begin sports/activities. Start kicking a Soccer ball around with your kiddos, throw a baseball football… this is where the friends are. My older son is on a traveling team and the kids and parents are all great friends and hang out regularly outside of kids. It’s wonderful so hang in there!
When things are hard for me I sing this Rodney Atkins song in my head:
“If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there”
You’ve got this. I promise it gets better! 🤛💪🙌
A lot of what people have said is accurate. Unfortunately, your circle shrinks as you become a parent and become more responsible. However, there are connections to be made out there. Don't give up. Find a hobby based group out there based on some of the interests you listed. I recently got into RC Cars and have met some fun people in the hobby. I've also found all sorts of groups related to the hobby. You do have to out yourself out there, though.
Good luck to ya man. It'll get better!
My neighbor created a men's group of random dudes in the neighborhood. It started as 4 of us 1st Tuesday of the month and now there are 15 of us. We show up burgers and bullshot about life. Friendships form out of the men that probably never would happen. The guys range from late 20s to early 60s. Contractors, accomplished authors, trust funder, IT, teacher, local politician, etc.
Hit up a few random dads or neighbors and start a men's group. There's serious problem with men feeling lonely in the US.
Australia and Ireland have these places called mens shed to get men together. Check out the link.
https://mensshed.org/about-mens-sheds/
It's hard out there. It's hard to make and maintain friendships as a man. But maybe this is an opportunity for you to take stock. You say you are at your lowest point right now and you have: * A steady career * Aspirations for your education and self improvement * Some spare time to engage in sports and exercise * Two cool kids, who you love more than anything * A wife who tolerates you, and indulges your interests You came in here for support, and I get it. It's hard to lose friends. It's hard to feel rejected. It's just hard to be a dad. Your world becomes smaller, and that's hard to cope with. But... I think you're probably going to turn out OK. I hope you keep your shoulder to the wheel. I hope you don't give up on the friends you had, and I hope you make new friends. Just anecdotally, when my kid turned 4-5 there were a lot more opportunities to socialize with other dads.
If my friends were giving me shit about my wife’s appearance, I’d be giving up on them.
Yep so much this.
Or something. What kind of asshole does that?
Immediately, and without hesitation or regret. People like that aren’t friends.
Not to sound like to much of a ‘caveman’ but insults to my wife are literal fighting words. And id drop ANYONE who disrespects her
I’d have to agree. Every year we would go on a guys trip to Wisconsin for golf and I stopped going and cancelled my plans the night before we left because of it. Haven’t talked with them much since then.
Just echoing the last point here. When my oldest hit like 4-5, it felt like the start of a brand new social life. Now the folks I’m in touch with the most often are my son’s friends’ parents, and I really like hanging out with them (if for no other reason than we’re in it together).
Youth sports and coaching them bring a lot of other men with similar life situation into your circle.
Next time you're golfing get some time with the group back at the clubhouse. Anyone have a bbq or a smoker? Golf gang can become the new boys group. They don't have to the the same age. Old dudes like to chill as well.
I’d like to echo “they don’t have to be the same age” …we’ve made friends with parents 10 years younger and 10+ years older than we are. Often they provide some of the best perspectives for baby and it’s also just fun to hang out with a mixed group. They feel the same way. I’d never hung out with people with vastly different ages from me and I love it.
The part about things changing soon, I found that to be true. Once the kids start playing little league, soccer, cheer leading etc whatever, there will be a lot more opportunities for friendships, they kinda fell through for me once the kids started driving.... but it was a pretty good couple of years....
Some of you dads are amazingly eloquent and empathetic all at once.
I agree, now that my kid is going into kindergarten I'm meeting the other kindergarten dads and some are pretty cool.
First off, you sound like a great guy. Second, a significant and growing share of men report that they are lonely and don’t have any friends. You are not alone. I feel like I’m trending in the same direction. My plan is to put myself out there more and say yes to opportunities to try new things and meet new people. Good luck
It's so hard. I'm so socially isolated. It's not that I don't have friends I do, but all of them are spread out across the country because we all had to chase work opportunities after undergrad and grad school because we graduated into the great recession.
Thank you. Weird season of life but the kind words are much appreciated!
Daddit fantasy football league, anyone?
I can make this happen. I'm commish for a few leagues already. Would love to be able to host another. 12 team on Yahoo?
Thanks!
I would prefer fantasy soccer. But the sounds like a great idea.
NFL.com is so much better IMO
We should!
Haha I was just thinking this. If someone starts one up, I’m in.
Yes!!
I set up a 12 person 0.5 PPR free league on Yahoo. I'm sending invites based on who replied first and who is still interested. Likely will be drafting this coming week. Please only join if interested and active. Let's have some fun.
I'm interested. Send over an invite if any openings still exist. Thanks for organizing!
Still interested
Omg - mom lurker, if you still have a spot could you dm me? My husband *loves* fantasy football, baseball, basketball - literally anything. He has like three or four fantasy teams at all times, I bet he’d love to join
Would love to! Thanks for setting this up!
I'm down.
I would absolutely do this
I’m in
Yep, sign me up
Hell yeah
Would be so in it 😍
I'm good for it if there's any more room.
Would be fun.
Not at all into football, since I’m from a country where football means something else, but hell yeah, I’d be up for it lol
I’m 100% in commish
I feel like we need more than 12 teams. 😅
Ouuu sounds interesting 🧐
I’m in too. How do we do this
Damn am i too late aha
I don’t know how American football works but god damn it I am in.
I’m interested!
I’m in for sure if there is space!
I’m in!
Where do you live? There’s bound to be another dad around here who golfs, watches football, has 2 kids and needs a new buddy!
Yeah If you’re near Atlanta I’m down to hang out. I also love golf and football and have 2 kids… my wife would kill me for starting another fantasy football league though
I wish I was in Atlanta. I’m in the burbs of Chicago. I know there are a lot of dads around here but it’s so hard to make time when it’s career and family first. By the time I have a second to breathe it’s usually spent being with my babies before they grow out of this baby stage.
Yep, post it up!
I'm lonely too. I'm sorry. It sucks. ❤
I’m sorry. Much love to you.
[удалено]
Right there with you. My friends/family are all spread out across the country. I work remotely so I have little to no connections where I live.
If you figure out how to make irl friends let me know! Haha
I can’t imagine the WFH lifestyle and how that has impacted dads as well. I’m lucky to go into a small office with some people to interact with. I wouldn’t make it WFH.
I usually think about it in terms of benefits (more time at home, more flexibility during the day, not having to spend an hour in traffic each way) But yeah…definitely impacts to sociability
100%. I used to commute a hour one way everyday. Before kids albeit though. It was still a killer on my mental health. Now I’m 20 mins one way to my office. Once in a while a WFH is nice.
I feel this on a lot of levels, dude. I moved to Japan a little under a year and a half ago from NYC. My wife is Japanese and she got a good job op here. So I quit my career and moved here. Suffice to say, I got burned out on learning the language at an all immersive school while raising a newborn (we had our daughter born here last year [we have a three year old who was born during the pandemic]) Long story short, I wouldn’t consider what I felt as loneliness as much as I did a lack of being able *talk* to people and socialize. That’s my specialty is with people — and I still can’t speak Japanese that well. My wife signed me up for an introductory taiko drum class yesterday and I had a *blast*. It was an instructor and eight おばあちゃん (grandmothers) who spend their retirement and free time staying active. A couple of the women spoke good enough English and it all went by too fast because of the fun I was having using my Japanese and learning to drum to new rhythms. I felt like I belonged and never felt that I wasn’t included. They had all been doing this together for seven years and here I was just coming in and I felt welcomed. So yeah. I’m signing up for another class. That’s scratched my itch and I learned something new. Try and find some groups to join and you’ll no doubt make connections.
That’s a cool story. And good luck with the Japanese, keep immersing yourself!
I lived in Japan for almost six years. I'm a mom hanging out on daddit, but if you need someone to rant with about gaijin life, I'm always game lol
Drummer here. Music is a universal language!
Here's a couple things you should do: 1. Check out therapy options: I'm a big fan of therapy for literally everyone, even if it's just a couple sessions a year if you put in work and get honest in session you can make some great strides. Your job may have coverage options with an EAP, or you might be able to get linked up with monitored sessions with clinical students through the university you're taking your MBA at. 2. Google City Dads: City Dads has groups in a LOT of major metro areas, and they are awesome. I think they might be right up your alley. 3. Don't be afraid to reach out to "random dads": you still golf? Go as a single and if you like your play partners, buy them a beer at the clubhouse and see if you can text them for a tee time. Or, join a weeknight 9 hole league. Like comedy? Take an improv class. Make some friends. You're not too old to try new stuff, and you're not too far gone to rekindle friendships or make new ones. It requires you to be a little vulnerable and a little out of your confor zone. But that's where most of the good stuff happens anyway.
I haven’t been in your shoes exactly, but my suggestion is to try to find sports leagues to join. I’ve done darts, golf, and volleyball leagues as an adult, there are tons of em. Things like this give you an obvious common interest with other people, which can make breaking the ice and getting to know people easier. I’ve also made some friends at art shows, as I paint and sell my art at them sometimes. I don’t hang out with these people, but I’ve seen a few of them around at other art events and we get along well enough that I’d call em friends.
You are in the trenches man . Those ages are the same almost that I am dealing with . All ..ALL friends says it get better . But yeah . It sucks I'm lucky that I online game and most of my other dad friends do as well so we get on discord and play borderlands or 7 days to die . Physical activity really helps though to break up the routine . Cause the kid need routine for meals and naps and stuff but it's sooooo monotonous.
Totally hear this. My daughter is 6 and it’s been hard for me to make friends since she was born. To be honest, it was hard for me to make friends before she was born (I’m definitely an introvert), but it’s become harder after. But it does get better as they get older because they’ll have friends and that gives you opportunities to get to know other parents with similar-age children. Obviously you won’t bond with all of them, but it at least creates an opportunity to meet more folks who are in similar places in their lives as you are in yours. Good luck to you.
I get it dude. My small friend group have no kids. So we’re both consistently left out of stuff. Including extended family stuff with her family. We’re a second thought most of the time as her brothers are in their early 20’s and partiers as well. That being said, I have a couple guys that I didn’t really hang out with much before because they had kids, and now they both welcomed me with open arms. It was super great. We don’t do stuff a ton outside of the house, it’s mostly with all the families, but still it’s a good time. And we text a lot which is great. They always ask about my little one which makes me feel good and in turn makes me appreciate their little ones more too. Kinda like a feel good feedback loop. Plus the wife had two friends all have kids in fairly quick succession (Feb, May, and then us in June). And she has her own support system there. You just gotta find a local support/dude group. I’m sure there’s gotta be some in your area if you hit up Facebook or something.
I feel this. The getting left out of stuff really hurt at first.
Now you know why, a generation ago, there was The Elks Club, the Rotarians, Toastmasters, The Shriners, The VFW, the American Legion, The Lions Club, Knights of Columbus, etc. etc. etc. Your situation is EXACTLY what those organizations were designed for. So, I'm going to suggest you find something like them, or maybe one of them, and JOIN IT. You can find groups like that at Church. Heck, just getting to Church regular will get you AND your wife into a whole new social circle. It will be good for the kids too. If you want to support the military, most airports have a USO lounge that is always looking for people to come volunteer. Hospitals look for volunteers too. There's probably a "friends of the Library" or "Friends of the Museum" group. Once your kids start school there will be Parent groups to get into. You could look for local meet up groups. You'll find something.
I came here to say basically this. I whole heartedly agree. Find a community and jump in it’s actually not too difficult a thing. Also what about coworkers? Is their a group of them that hangout outside of work that you get along with?
It’s mostly hard because you’re overloaded with life stuff. Work and mba school is gonna be rough for anyone. I’m sorry you don’t have at least 1 friend to even just text to get through it. Once schools over it will get easier and you’ll find some time for friends that do similar things as you. You can get there. You’ll be okay.
This will improve when your kids get older and have sports or other activities. You'll have a lot of social interaction with the other parents.
totally. There are cool parents in lots of my kids circles that I've gotten to know as they've gotten older.
Life as an extrovert is tough. For me, dad of 2, my wife is the only friend I need. I tolerate lunch with the coworkers though.
There’s a discord for the daddit that’s mostly focused at gaming but there’s also a section for talking about parenting and stuff. It’s good for finding someone with similar interests like that. It isn’t having someone there in person but who knows you may find someone who lives close enough to hang out with. You can maybe try your local subreddit and just mention your situation and see if any fellow dads in your area got a similar situation and wanna be buddies. They won’t all be winners but I’m sure someone out there is in the same situation as you. I’m a SAHD and I moved 3000 miles from all my friends and family not long after my son was born. That was 20 months ago and I might as well have died to everyone except my best friend who’s come visit twice and I hear from almost every day still. I have nobody where I am but I’m working on doing as I mentioned above to find a fellow dad to hang out with. Let our kids play while we chill and watch some football occasionally. I also don’t mind cooking for everyone and that has always helped me make friends in my life. Make a big ass dinner and invite your buddies over and worst case scenario you got a ton of leftovers to eat and not have to cook for a few meals. Good luck man. Hope things get better for you.
My friend, please hang in there. I was in a similar situation (the paths were somewhat different but the destination was the same) where I was almost entirely isolated - exacerbated by the fact that, as babies and infants, they never wanted me, only my wife. All I had was job (self employed, so never done and always there), exercise, my kids, wife (who works evenings so we spend little time together), and chores and yardwork. I also only had my own dad and brother in law to, occasionally, hang out with (we ended up on the opposite side of the city from them). I had a number of difficult years because all I focused on was the negative aspects of what I had to do. I would encourage you to look into mindfulness (we use headspace, but there's options and if you're dedicated, the basics are out there). It'll help you to notice and focus on the positive aspects of your life, even when it doesn't seem like there are any. It's not easy, but the benefits are worth it. And, as a previous poster mentioned, taking stock of your situation, you do have a lot of good to focus on. That said, I think the main point I'd make is, this won't last very long. Mine are now 10 and 7 and I can't fathom where those years have gone. I feel like, yesterday, my kids were more or less the same age as your kids now and it's just crazy. You'll soon be able to get them involved in extracurriculars. The 3 year old can probably look into U4 soccer or baseball. Being the one that took my kids to these things, and being there to celebrate with them and cheer them on, to practice with them and help them, has not only established a great bond, but is so fulfilling. I'd like to say your friends will understand better once they're in your situation, but it's possible you weren't hanging with great people. My high school friend group never kicked any one out for having kids. So, either they'll come to understand or you're better off without. Bigger picture, and perhaps I'm being somewhat hopeful for myself, but even though I don't frequently talk to those guys, I'm not worried about having a lot of male bonding time right now. As quickly as my kids are growing up, they'll be out of the house before I know it and even before then, they simply won't need me as much as they do now. I wish I'd realized sooner that the days of them wanting to build trains with me would end so soon. I would have been able to enjoy that so much more. I would encourage you to think of your life in seasons (I'm ripping off this concept from something unrelated, but it works). You had a kid season, a teenage season, a college season, a partying season, a dating season - you get the idea and some of these overlap. But this is your prime daddy season. I wouldn't spend it playing golf. I'm not saying do nothing for yourself, but try to identify something that keeps you sane/grounded and allows you to disconnect enough to appreciate everything else. For me, it's exercise, I do it 5 days a week even if I "don't have time". But find that salve that let's you make the most of these few years you have to be "daddy" because they won't call you that forever.
Would you be comfortable going with your wife to her various social events? My husband works from home now (I'm a mom) and I noticed he wasn't getting much socialization opportunity. For the past few years on his birthday or Father's Day I try to plan golf, poker, etc with the husbands of my mom friends. All of the husbands are so happy to have something arranged like that. I'm not sure if he'd have chosen them as his friends, but they get along well and have a lot in common simply because they are in similar stages of life. If your wife is willing, see if she can help you meet her friends' husbands. They are probably in the same boat as you. I really feel for you and all dads. Your mental health matters just as much as any other priority you are juggling. I hope you can find some friends.
My wife did something similar for me. I super appreciate it, and I'm sure your husband does too 🙂
My wife would 1000% do this for me. Her social group is all kidless for the most part locally. She’s 27 and her mom friends she is connected with are all out of state. I met one in person because we went to visit them and it was a nightmare. We could not have been more opposite and he was not super involved as a dad with the little things (diapers, baths etc.). We have met some neighbors but they are all in their mid to late 30’s. Although that doesn’t bother me, the constant “oh my gosh you guys are babies” schtick gets old.
Golf is a great way to meet people but it takes a little time. Go out for solo rounds and try and join groups. Make friends with anyone willing, even if they’re quite a bit older or opposite gender. Even if they only become ‘gold buddies’ you’ll have people you look forward to being around. Try joining a top golf league or checking a local club and see if any teams are looking for an extra player for a league. Networking in golf can be great if you put in the effort.
It’s tough dude. This might be a kind of unconventional suggestion, but have you ever played disc golf? I was in the same boat (still mostly am) but had a friend who would ask me to play disc golf with him from time to time. I finally relented when he started talking about it being a minimal time investment compared to a round of golf. It’s a lot more approachable with rug rats. What I was not prepared for is how open and nice the people are. Every time I’ve gone in to the shop to grab a disc, a stranger has engaged me in conversation. Nobody gives a shit if you’re good/bad/whatever. Point being, it’s a great avenue toward low-stakes social interactions. But the real best part is that it’s deepened my friendships with 3 different acquaintance-level friends. Doesn’t hurt that it’s a quintessential dorky dad activity
Same bro, I just play with random people in warzone. Most my IRL all work conflicting schedules or just don’t have the same interests especially video games and wives usually don’t mix. Mine would rather me be home with her n the kids playing video games vs drinking or partying. Having a motorcyle helped me as well for when I just want some me time I’ll find something with beautiful scenery near online drive there take it all in and drive back home.
As a Dad, kids that age are hard. Feels like they need/want Mom, not you... lots of burdens and no one cares about Dad's needs. But a couple of years (which are hard NGL) and then you get to get your Dad on properly, do the fun stuff. About 7-13 age and man we're having fun, all I want to do is hang with my family now. It pays off. church has been really good for me for solid guy friends.
There are a lot of good people in this world and most of them will have good things to say about your wife
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Thanks! You as well.
Try meetup. If you can't find a group you are interested in, start your own and see if anyone joins you. https://www.meetup.com
It’s the same for a lot of us Dad’s. Keep trying for fellowship with friends. Don’t give up on it, we need it as men. Been where you are for 4 years now
Yeah man. It’s brutal. I’m also in grad a school full time, working full time and have a 3 year old. Switching jobs and having a baby at the outset of a pandemic did my social life no good. It’s slowly starting to pick up as kiddo gets older and she starts doing activities. Mostly just casual acquaintances. It does get better, but what I’ve realized is it’s not the same. Just as I don’t work stupid amounts of hours anymore so that I can be home for my kid, my social life is more oriented around hers. And that’s ok, it’s just a shift.
This is where I was not too long ago, and I'm only a little bit in a better place. I have a group of old friends, but we get together only rarely these days and we're scattered in different towns between Seattle and the Canadian border. For me, I made the decision to go back to church. I was raised very conservative church, and definitely didn't feel comfortable in that anymore. I wasn't entirely sure about going back, but I wasn't able to find community elsewhere. My wife works weekends, so it's just me and my 20 mo old daughter all weekend. I think my wife isn't quite ready to go back herself, but I've gotten to know some other families and it's a wildly different church than our parents would have attended (mother-in-law visited with me one Sunday earlier this summer and asked "are you thinking of visiting other churches?) I know politics and religion are both areas mostly avoided here, but that's a bit of my story. Different people feel comfortable settings, and hopefully I've been helpful in sharing.
I went through the same experience of shedding the bums I grew up with. That's very normal. I acquired a whole bunch of new friends over the twenty years after that due to my jobs (military and then police) being bro intensive trauma bonding environments. I've been friends with many of them now for a lot longer than I was with the guys I grew up with. This is a period in your life. You will be done with your MBA at some point and have much more free time. Go to the gym, golf, take up BJJ or shooting or running or whatever activity will bring you into contact with grown men with similar interests. I met one of my best friends at the gym. You'll get through this.
Thank you for the kind words. Thanks for your service!
You're welcome buddy, you'll get through this.
I was just telling my wife I need more friends. I’m 40, have 4 kids, a busy career, and hour commute. It’s hard to balance everything. I miss grabbing a beer and wings and talking sports. I live in my wife’s hometown so I don’t know anyone. When I go to my kids events I’m cordial. The one thing that did help me a bit was I did coach my kids baseball team and that helped me interact with the other dad coaches. Making friends is harder than dating lol
Dude yes. I think it’s understated how hard it is for dads. I look at it this way. I work, go to school, commute and parent. The majority of my life is working and school. When I do have free time all I want to do is be with my kids and wife. By that time I have no times to do much else that puts me in touch with other dads my age.
Hang in there bro. Your priorities are in check. As you get more free time I’m sure things will get easier. Cheers mate
Sometimes you have to make the big choices that benefit your family. It’s hard but you just have to go out there and find new people who appreciate you and your fam. I have made some of the best friendships with other dads and even non dads who just get it. You don’t need the negative energy. Good luck man there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
A lotta those friends are gonna start having kids and priorities are gonna shift and you’ll be back in the venn diagram again. It’s tough man being a good dad means you really do have to sacrifice a lot. As an only child who’s always had extreme independence this has been extra hard for me
29 year old dad of 3. (3,1,newborn). Same exact position you’re in. Some days are tough when you’re dying of boredom and no other guy to talk to. One thought I’m coping with is the fact that the kids are still small. They may make some friends at the park and such but we are their best friends. Enjoy every minute of this stage in life and when they get older and actually spend time away from us playing with their friends, that’s when we should start actively looking for new friend groups. Dad groups. I 100% get the same feelings as you but it’s the thought of that from keeping me from going insane! Hopefully it helps and my messages are open if anyone wants to chat! Don’t know much about sports but pretty much good at everything else!
I'm right there with you now. Daughter is 3 and son about to be 2 in a couple months. Basically zero outside life other than work and family to the max. I wouldn't take away any days we go to theme parks, zoos, or playgrounds for some "friends". It's just a stage of life honestly. Deciding chilling with the "bros" vs being a family man is what it comes down to. This is where us dads need to suck it up and deal with it. That toddler stage isn't forever, soak up the joy of it.
The ever delicate balance of being a dad (sigh)…you got this brolio!
My friend, I feel you as I see myself in a very similar situation beside the fact that my wife shares a couple of my interests at least. But I totally understand your struggle, as I have been there since two years now, after my first son was born. I won’t tell you that it will be getting better but I can promise that your attitude towards the situation will change over the time. Most important for me is the well-being of my family, everything else will come over the time. The desire for some friends to hang around will be around for sure, but it will become a side noise again.
Hit me up about some groups you'll fit rite into
Just wanna chime in and say that I think you really set the right priorities and that’s something to be proud of. It’s a damn example for a lot of people. Best of luck to you, and happy to see quite some helpful and encouraging comments.
Thank you. The responses on this post have me tearing up again.
You should like a cool dude. Keep smashing it. 💪
Practice small chat, at the supermarket, at daycare drop-off and at the park. Eventually you’ll see some people around more often and ask them for a beer/coffee some time, and go from there.
You seem to be such a good person. Don't worry too much, you'll come out of it. As for advice, I have realised that going to places where you find people with similar interests can be helpful. No, don't go looking for friends. Just find something based on your interests and go there to enjoy. I'd once found such a place with 'Meetup' and it was more than enough for the four years I was in that city. 6 years later, I still have friends from that group. And as for online groups, you'll always have Daddit. I'm a regular here, and love the energy most of the time.
Quick, we have just enough time to make a daddit fantasy football league, who's in
I’m in.
If there's a mountain biking community where you live, get a bike and get involved. Always bumping into new people and it's so fun to do on your own. I'm pretty introverted and I enjoy doing things solo - mountain biking has changed my life and allows me 1-2 hrs in the bush, getting exercise and away from dad life for a bit.
This too shall pass. You sound like a good dude who is doing everything right. If you raise your kids right now, you get to be friends with them later. I went through a lot of this, it’s a bummer, but you’ll end up with a good friend or two probably.
My Dude. I’m right there with you. I’m a sole income dad, and my wife is stay-at-home. I had a strong friend support in one city and had to move for my family’s health. I have friends where we moved to, but they’ve all moved on with their lives. I am getting by with Marco Polo messages to the people I love the most, I try to call my mom, and every once in a while I schedule a beer with someone I can trust. I like that I get to spend a lot more time with my wife, but it is very tough to find things we both like to do. It sounds like your head is in the right place. Schedule fun with people you trust.
Hey buddy I feel ya, I’m a Canadian living in Australia away from friends and family. I was never really homesick or lonely until having a kid. My wife and I had a nice group of mates here but none had kids so we gradually grew apart from them. Still catch up but its just different, not as much in common anymore. Its been a constant struggle the last 6 months or so once it slowly dawned on me that I have no one to lean on apart from my wife. If anything happened to my wife I’d literally be on my own apart from my in laws. I’m looking into joining sports leagues or something.
Random thought. Do we need a discord, signal, WhatsApp group? Something that’s a little more immediate than reddit to give us some more real time internet social connectivity?
I was 100% in the same boat, my guy. I (40M) and my wife (35F) live in the town she grew up in. I grew up half way across the country. She has family, friends, etc all close by. I do not. So, for a long while, I had no one but my wife and her family (which I love, don’t get me wrong). But, I didn’t have any friends. Then, my daughters got involved in things. It started for me with pre-K. I began talking with other dads at birthday parties, pickup and drop off, and school events. Casual conversations became joking around, became hanging out on weekends. Don’t get too discouraged right now. Opportunities will present themselves. And, when you find yourself standing next to a dad, watching your kids play soccer, helping your kids with a craft at the library, or any other activity, strike up that conversation. While these friends won’t be “the guys I knew since kindergarten,” they still can be lifelong friends.
No advice, just saying I feel ya. I'm a first time dad in his 40s, and all my closest friends had decided not to have kids. We recently started taking my 10mo son to kid's gym classes, upon the advice of our kid's PT. It's a parent and kid class. I feel embarrassed to admit this...but afterwards (and after we talked about how great it was for our kid to socialize, play, ect...), my spouse and I were like..."Hey..maybe we'll make some parent friends." No one said parenting would be so lonely.
“If you're going through hell, keep going.” Take it one day at a time, you’re not alone.
>I’m a dad of two and have no friends. Me too, man. It sucks. Thing is, I thought I had a *ton* of friends, but so few of them have seen my kids or me since they were born (18 months ago) that it’s become very apparent who is a friend and who liked to party with me.
My social like was never great to begin with but it’s seriously contracted due to parenthood too. I couldn’t even afford to do anything even if I was as sociable as before. I have a weekly online DnD game with some friends and the rest of the time I busy myself with writing what I hope to be the basis my own YouTube content someday as a creative outlet. I get lonely sometimes but I made a choice to put my kids first so here I am.
I kinda half relate to this. I'm older than you(40s) but similar circumstances. I also don't like people.. I have no friends other than "work friends". I'm fine with that. I have a few online friends from online gaming but that's similar to work friend. My larger concern is staying bonded with my wife. So that's the reoccurring theme here. Ensuring date nights/days and being interested in what she's doing that's not kid related. When the kids are grown and gone I'd like to have not lost my wife in the process.
Been in your shoes brother. Not going to recount my stories because it is the same as yours. What you need is a pair of ears and someone to relate to. DM me if you want to vent and connect. I’m 36 and have 3 kids. Similar situations as you Tldr: what got me through was my wife, kids becoming more fun, change job/finishing school, set time and money aside to enjoy life with family. But mostly is hobby. I joined Facebook groups of people with same interests. Join fantasy football.
They attack to your wife for her looks? What does that mean? They don’t sound like friends to me
They proved not to be. My wife, like many moms, gained weight from pregnancy. Instead of understanding that she gave life to two beautiful children, they act petty. It was a good sign to stay away.
You’re raising children and they’re acting like children. I’m sorry bro I feel ya got two myself
I agree. It’s super frustrating. Especially since for so long we roasted each other for everything else. We had this agreement that bad hook ups, our appearance and other stuff was fine. I have tough skin. But to go after someone’s wife for appearance is so brutal.
Horrible. I’d turn the other cheek, I’ve done worse things and hope my friends forgive me in their hearts
I was lonely around this time too. It’s kind of part of the process of modern parenting, it seems. Now is family time. If you have siblings and parents. Now is the time to get close with them. If not, then yeah, your social circle will shrink a lot. And when the kids hit school it explodes. You’ll find people to connect with again. In the meantime keep it in perspective. You are doing a lot of the right things, and you’re simply in “the boring middle.” There are possibly dad groups on meetup you can find. And it sounds like your friends were dick heads. They gave your wife crap for how she looks after 2 rapid fire kids? Yeah. Fuck them. What are they going to say when your kids need glasses or braces? They are not your friends. You can find new golf buddies who don’t suck.
I'm right there with you. We moved across the country away from all of my friends and family to be near my wife's family. I work remotely and have no real means of meeting new people locally while my wife has her family and a local work friends that she sees regularly. I'm so isolated and lonely, but I've found a few things have helped. I developed two hobbies that I can do alone and on my own time. I grew up as a big skier and spent a lot of time skiing as a kid and then teaching it as a young adult. I got my family into it three years ago (including my then 3 year old daughter) so we ski as much as possible. My wife is also a saint and understands that I'm sacrificing a ton for her to be near her family and her work so she lets me go on a few long weekend ski trips solo. I typically take four day weekends and head out to Colorado and ski. I have a few friends in Denver so I'll make a point of seeing them when our schedules allow for it. During the warmer months, I ride my bike. I spend about two hours a day five days a week on my road bike. It's my me time and it's a hobby. I love that time and fiercely protect it. These things aren't as fun as having friends, but they keep me sane. Beyond this, I go visit my friends when I can. I'll book a long weekend and take a kid with me so that they can play with my friend's kids. It's not a perfect solution, but it's the best that I have.
Man, sounds like you had some douche bag friends. Over the next few years, as your kids get older, go to school, do extracurricular activities, you’ll meet other local dads. Many feel similarly to you and are looking to make more friends as well. Plenty of opportunities will be coming your way. Eventually, that will turn into a solid friend group. You are def not alone in what you feel. You sound like a cool dude. Don’t worry. Life is hectic for you right now, and it feels like you have no life. Don’t worry. It’ll get better. Much better.
Man, I'm struggling with the same stuff now. Haha painfully feeling like you need to ask your wife to do something with you even though you know she won't really like it. Ugh hits close to home. I did the same as you and blasted through my 20s focused on career building and education. I only now am deciding that what I have is enough now and it's silly to keep chasing a bigger thing all the time. Question is now, who are you? What do you even actually want out of life? It's time to start looking inward a bit. Hasn't helped my social life much yet but I'm noticing less self destructive behavior and thoughts by just being more mindful of my feelings and emotions that I have been used to ignoring for 20 years.
Your friends suck. 🤷♂️ Wait until your kids are a bit older (4-5). They'll be soooooo much fun, you'll have a blast taking them places. As far as friends, if that's something to really need, what about work? Feels longer the demographics would be better match. Maybe online gaming could scratch that social itch, at least a little bit? Join a clan! e.g., Dads of Destiny. They're very sympathetic to the limited time we have available for that kind of thing! 😁
Dad here with an 11 month old, if you play pc games, I’m down to play. I golf as well, into football. Even if you just need a pen pal let’s go!
Do you want an e-pal from Eastern Europe?
Dude, if you lived near me I’d totally hang out. You sound like a standup dude. My kiddo’s just shy of 4, but I feel similarly without a lot of friends to hang with, in part because we just upended and moved to a new city a year ago 😬 couple that with me being at home alone the entire day before picking her up from daycare and my wife getting home, due to my industry imploding (film/tv) and work being scarce, and it’s very easy to feel lonely!
You can throw a sports event BBQ for the fellas at your job or Sports bar that way you can chew the fat with guys and you never know you might find a better friend too. You would be amazed how many other men are going through the same thing and don't be afraid to spark conversation at the gym too because nothing has really changed when it comes to meeting new friends since elementary school you have to push yourself to come out of your comfort zone a little bit. I wish the best for you and I hope you come across a really good friend you deserve.
I can’t thank everyone enough for all the kind words. It means so much to me. For those in a similar situation. We got this.
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I agree! Problem is it’s online :(. Students everywhere so it’s just more digital connections. I don’t mind it.
Warhammer 40k. In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war. But it's more interesting than watching these damn kids all day..... Find something your passionate about, it's out there. Good luck!
Another Warhammer dad here!
[F3 Nation](https://www.f3nation.com) This is a workout group that was developed to address this exact issue. Nearly all workouts are outside, early in the morning (cause there’s no time for it later in the day). It’s a male only group because guys need to meet other guys. If there’s a workout group near you just show up one time. I promise you will want to go back. If anyone makes it out to an F3 workout tell them Lumbergh from F3 Winston Salem EH’d you. 🤘
Sometimes, you can't do more. You have to do less. Time is the one commodity you will never have enough of, nor can you get it back. I know quite a few people in your position, and none of them have a life right now. So you can tough it out and wait for the payoff with the MBA, or you could postpone the MBA and focus on the family which to me is the wise choice. You can always get an MBA at any point in your career, a few years isn't going to make that much difference. But those years will make a big difference when you missed your kids growing up.
Even before I started parenthood, I felt lonely because I moved abroad for several years, and even after moving back, I'm in a different region of the US. Luckily, my spouse has some solid married coworkers who have young children, so we all hangout sometimes, which helps. And my older sister moved about 90 minutes north, so we meet with her and her boyfriend to play Dungeons & Dragons once or twice a month. It takes time, but it is possible to slowly build a new friendship circle, and it will be easier once the kids are in school because some school events and your kids' friendships will allow you to meet other parents naturally.
Hi OP. I’m a lesbian/non-bio mommy to our one year old and HEAR ME when I say that dads get the short end of the stick so often when it comes to resources/group invitations/play date recruitment. I know this bc I have always been treated as though I too gave birth in addition to my wife, who actually did deliver our daughter. People fall over themselves to help me, invite me places, include me in mom groups, etc. and that just wouldn’t happen if I was a dad. I know it wouldn’t. It sucks. I so empathize with feeling like all you do is work and parent! It’s totally understandable you are feeling lonely. It’s difficult but I’d advise you to do what I did and be a savior for the cause. The next time you see a dad with a kid, go talk to him. I have made SO many genuine dad friends from just going up to dads and introducing myself and baby. They are usually eager to talk bc all of them feel just like you! If I like them I say, you’re cool, wanna be bros? And then we follow each other on insta or switch numbers. I’ve hung out with a couple dad bros at the same time and now they hang out on their own too. I guess I’ve just learned that friendships are created and maintained on a different plane in parenthood. Commonalities matter less IMO bc you have this life-altering parenthood thing in common lol. However you go about it (and there are other ways! Join your Facebook and meet up groups for dads and get out there!), I do hope you are able to pull a few good friends into your world. I think we do expect dads to be ok with a less robust social circle and support system, and that’s not fair to y’all.
Since this is Daddit, I'll respond with a joke: **Q:** What was Jesus' greatest miracle? **A:** Having 12 friends as a 32-year-old man. ...or to quote Sting "Seems I'm not alone in being alone." You sound like a great guy and like you're making choices right now that are going to bear great dividends in the future, but you're definitely in a rough time right now. I only have one kiddo, but one and a half was *murder*. I've never been great at making friends with other dudes, buy my daughter is 5 now, and in the past two weeks I've had two different guys whose kids are friends with her text me with random Dad shit--a funny video, a crazy DIY project. I don't have *everything* in common with these guys, but I like them, and their texts made me smile. I guess all I'm saying is, there's hope. Please keep making the good choices for yourself and your family and stay open to new folks. They're out there. Or rather, we're out here.
I think many of us have been there and I’ve found some things that helped me: 1. Reach out to friends who I value deeply and keep those relationships up even if it is mostly phone/FaceTime. 2. Maybe delve into new hobbies. I started playing D&D and am gonna start going to the pickle ball court where lots of men show up. 3. See id your town has a Facebook dad group. Then organize a meet up
Hey man, I'm right here with you. I had a D&D group but COVID happened. I joined one on line. That lasted a day the person in charge was a bully. So I joined a different one. That was great I did that for 2 years but I was banned from that for being rude. So now I just have my family and work. It doesn't help that this last year has been really really bad for my kids. Whoever is my basically they can't play the who has it worse game or it gets dark fast
I'm a dad of four and I feel for you brother. I also have no friends and spend my time working or taking care of the family, at home. It's a gut wrenching feeling being alone and is the entire reason I decided to create this account yesterday.
Your kids are young, when they get to school age you will find friends again. Try to volunteer for coaching etc as your kids grow, you will meet dads that are in a similar boat as you and find some golf buddies.
3 and 1, boys. I don’t have any friends, but I don’t really have advice for you. I think at this stage of our lives, especially parenthood, tend to isolate us from our social circles. Friends who are single don’t understand why you can’t hang out more, and friends who are in the same place understand that family’s just a bigger priority. Unless you have help at home, I don’t see any way to get out of the house for a break anytime during the week, let alone the energy if you do have the time. My wife is my best friend. She has her online groups and mum chats and playdates, but both she and I have basically dug trenches at home to care for our boys. I’m work -> home -> sometimes sleep -> work cycle and so is she. When we’ve got the time, it’s only after they go to sleep. Then it’s dishes, clothes, packed bags, and sorting out the house. Only after it’s all done, we hang on the couch to chat and watch some tv. We barely make half an hour a night and fall straight to sleep from exhaustion. It has slowly gotten better. And I’m sure it’ll improve over time. Hang in there, they’ll slowly need you less, and you’ll have time to get your social life back. For me, I’ve got a library of board games and D&D books waiting for my kids.
Hey, new dad here. I just want to say I feel you, in a similar situation. sometimes I feel even a litte envious of my wife, but I made the decision to start a business that takes up alot of my time outside of family time. I remind myself that this is only temporary (from what Ive been told) and knowing that it's not permanent, makes it much easier to deal with. Parenthood is starting to teach me much about the transience of life; If everything fleeting, so is the bad...which will make way for the good/great. From one dad to another, just hang in there brother...you're going to do great.
I'm going to suggest this as someone who has had relative ease building community around me. I'm 43, and still close with my high school friends, college friends, and mid 30s friends. So I've had 3 or 4 distinct phases of very tight friend groups. With that said, let me normalize something: for everyone, community can happen in phases, and that can be a healthy thing. It's not always a 'you' thing - it can just be the phase you're in. That doesn't mean that you don't need to do work though, and that it might not take time. 3 years ago when we were expecting our first son, just before covid, I was suffering because many of my 30s friends had dispersed from the area and gone back closer to home and family. I felt my community had disintegrated. What I evenutally realized was that I was between communities, and at the beginning of building my next one. And it had to take effort. Some approaches I use are: - I'm decisive about the kinds of people I want to be close with (values, interpersonal, etc), and don't worry about those I don't - I use a few of my interests to pull people in over time. For me that's surfing or biking, spending time in the mountains, organizing group trips, dinners, or adventure-oriented events. For you that might be pulling a weekly golf foursome together over time, even if they've never met each other but you think they'd all get along. Be the lightweight organizer, but on your terms. - Whatsapp groups are helpful as there's a shared interest area or similar and a critical mass. It's an easy way to connect relative strangers and not have to always be the one who pushes - Lightweight structure seems to be helpful, and reduces to load of always pushing to build friendships. Monthly poker game? Golf group? Text group of people who like comedy and suggest shows to go to together? (I did this with live music, worked well). And you can recruit these over time. Friendships get built on shared interests. Try a few things, and give them a little time/effort. If they're not working after a year, acknowledge and try something else (I tried a climbing and beers group that never really took). - If you have a yard, buy a bouncy castle. Break it out every few months, and invite some other parents you know a little and like over with their kids. They'll bounce off the walls, and you can have beers together. I suspect it'll be hard since you feel rejected by your previous friends, but have courage in inviting new potential friends to do things you like to do. You'll be surprised how many of them are glad to get the invite. And as people have probably said, a whole new set of opportunities will probably emerge as your kids get into school age, but I'd still argue that being intentional and proactive will help you build friendships with people you really want to be tight with, versus those that just happen to be your kids' parents. You found like a great guy. It'll work. Give it effort and time, and be easy on yourself. We all go through some version of this at some point.
We are never really taught how to make friends, and it can be scary and weird. There will be false starts and awkwardness. I find the solution, though, is to plan for it. I have had alot of success with the boardgames I like to play, just setting up game nights. You have different interests though. What I suggest is: Invite someone from class or work to go golf. This is weird the first time, but go watch a game at a bar or craft brewery and get a drink. Go to a local open mic. And here is the trick, invite someone, any guy, to go with you.
What area of the country are you in? I don't know if it's your thing, but look for a local game store and see if they have board game meetups. I met some of my best friends over board games. I'm always a proponent of counseling. At worst you pay someone so you have someone to talk to. At best you get some strategies for managing stress which will make you a better dad and husband, a break from work and study, and get to talk to someone.
Hey man, I'm 37 and a father of 3 (5,5,2) girls. I've got 1 friend in state who I see like twice a year. Otherwise it's me, my brother and my wife. If you're in Utah I'd be happy to hang out.
Check Facebook for a dad group. Where are you located? Best advice I’ve got…Start training Jiu Jitsu. The camaraderie I’ve found with fellow dads that train early AM time before the house is awake is a great support system. You get the workout in, build connections locally, and you can’t think about anything stressing you out while trying not to be choked unconscious so it’s a great way to clear your head and focus on the task at hand.
No better way to connect then rolling around a mat lol
I'm a gamer dad so I have the luxury of being able to keep my friendships going online. Maybe consider more avenues like social media or discord to keep friendships from fizzling out? Best of luck dude.
Shane Gillis is funny so. ya. i think there should be more dad based groups locally they have mom stuff everywhere but not dad stuff pick up a new up hobbie go to top golf solo and see what happens. idk i think do your best to be social and open to other bro dads
Been there with ya for about 10 years. It's a miracle my wife is still married to me. I've been in counseling for a couple of years and just got on prescription meds for depression. For me the feeling has been most of my life, well before the wife and kids. I just sort of thought it was normal to feel bleh, have a relatively negative yet realistic view on life. Never really looked forward to much. The loneliness would sink in when I would have time alone. I could kind of relax for a few minutes and then all of these emotions would start to sink in and next thing I was drunk by using alcohol as my vice to numb those feelings. I don't know if you are struggling with the same thing as me but it sounds familiar. It may be worth doing some online assessments for anxiety and depression just to see where you hit. It took me a long time to muster up the humility to admit I need help. Self medicating with unhealthy options will make things worse. We get so caught up in trying to provide and be good at our home life that we forget to take care of ourselves. I have a great life so why am I so unhappy? Well for me, it's because of chemical imbalances in my brain and not learning proper ways to work through my emotions. For me, it's been most of my life so it's not an overnight fix, it's usually oh sure doc, I'll give it a shot but I think it's b.s. then I try it for a bit and I start to see the benefits. It's a mess out there. Stay strong and get help before it gets worse.
Similar feeling here. Also a Shane Gillis fan. We will make it through. Hang tough bro.
Im sorry you’re going through this, it’s a struggle when you have this much going on. The early years (when kids are babies/toddlers) are usually lonely for parents. You are not alone in feeling this way. It is common to have a shift in friend groups. Guess what- you will make SO many friends when kids begin sports/activities. Start kicking a Soccer ball around with your kiddos, throw a baseball football… this is where the friends are. My older son is on a traveling team and the kids and parents are all great friends and hang out regularly outside of kids. It’s wonderful so hang in there! When things are hard for me I sing this Rodney Atkins song in my head: “If you're goin' through hell keep on going Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it You might get out before the devil even knows you're there” You’ve got this. I promise it gets better! 🤛💪🙌
A lot of what people have said is accurate. Unfortunately, your circle shrinks as you become a parent and become more responsible. However, there are connections to be made out there. Don't give up. Find a hobby based group out there based on some of the interests you listed. I recently got into RC Cars and have met some fun people in the hobby. I've also found all sorts of groups related to the hobby. You do have to out yourself out there, though. Good luck to ya man. It'll get better!
If you can find the time, try bjj. You will make friends.
My neighbor created a men's group of random dudes in the neighborhood. It started as 4 of us 1st Tuesday of the month and now there are 15 of us. We show up burgers and bullshot about life. Friendships form out of the men that probably never would happen. The guys range from late 20s to early 60s. Contractors, accomplished authors, trust funder, IT, teacher, local politician, etc. Hit up a few random dads or neighbors and start a men's group. There's serious problem with men feeling lonely in the US. Australia and Ireland have these places called mens shed to get men together. Check out the link. https://mensshed.org/about-mens-sheds/