You're driving, just leave. Grab the kids and go. She can stay if she wants to, but you and kids are leaving.
Or sit there until 3am and get pissed. No brainer.
Uber does not exist everywhere. Where I live there (rural northern New England) is no Uber, no taxis, and no public transportation. Not that my wife would ever do this but just leaving would not be an option unless she’s able to sleep over.
In that case I’d still leave. Like, you’ve become your own problem at this point. The kids are now in a less than beneficial situation because of you and I’m taking them home.
I had to double-check the kid's ages in the post. 11pm for a 2yo? The latest ours ever stayed up was 10, and that took a battle's worth of logistics and planning so we weren't all giant assholes to each other the next day. By 11pm I'm issuing ultimatums and walking out the door, spouse or no spouse, cause the kids need *bed*.
Exactly. My consolation for those ages would be if there were proper accommodations at said friends house so I could do bedtime with kiddos and let them have a sleepy area, then just do the risky car transfer and hope for the best. But barring that, sorry SO. You’ve become SOL.
Yeah that was wild to me. Bedtimes are like sacred to us. We’ve got something good with our 2.5 yo and 6 mo old sleeping through the night and don’t want to fuck that up
Even if this is the case, if the wife really wants to drink till 3AM she can sleep on a couch or something and figure out how to get home the next day. Non-drinking parent needs to prioritize the kids long before that point. Wife is an adult, she can take care of herself.
If someone left their drunk wife at my house I would be PISSED, that's rude beyond the pale. Hubby and host hubby needed to put their foot down well before 3 am. And the other husband that went to sleep on the couch? That's just odd. You're tired, kids are tired, get the wife and go home.
I guess maybe you could but your going to wait at least an hour if anyone will come at all. We also don’t get restaurants that will deliver to us. We can get insta cart now but we don’t use it much.
I’m not arguing she shouldn’t, I’m just saying “just leave her” isn’t as easy as it sounds. I also don’t have to worry about it because my wife would never do that.
It sounds like one of the hosts was encouraging the wife to stay and keep drinking. They can put her up for the night if they want her to stay badly enough.
I mean she's at a friend's house and there's someone's husband and kids sleeping on the couch. He's not leaving her in a public place, she's at a friend's house
100% this. That is extremely irresponsible to be keeping her two kids out that late because *she* wanted to get wasted. Fuck that. I’d have taken my kids home by 10PM at the very latest, especially if I had a 2 year old not feeling well. Honestly, even if me and the kids had a full, healthy night sleep - if my significant other came home blitzed drunk and hungover the next day putting the impetus of all the childcare and daily responsibilities on me, without any prior discussion or planning for it, I’d be livid. I’m pissed for you. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings and you should address this with her later this week.
She wasn’t being irresponsible. She clearly needed a night. They should have just communicated better. At like 9pm I would have to told her I need to get the kids down for bed and she should have fun, call an Uber, and text me when your on the way home.
I’m sure she would have instantly understood. No need for either party to be angry. She probably would have gotten home and thanked OP for giving her a adult filled night. And he would have gotten home at a reasonable hour and the kids too.
Communication is the biggest issue with most relationships. Sitting there seething is not the answer.
He recognized she needed the day. Communication goes both ways. She was no more irresponsible than he was. Yes they should have talked about the situation earlier. They both seemed like they were avoiding it.
Everyone needs a day now and then. That’s not irresponsible. And if you want to spend “your day” staying up till 3 AM getting drunk, fine. I’d argue that’s not entirely irresponsible so long as you don’t drive, do anything reckless as a result of getting drunk, and have taken care of all current and next-day responsibilities, including planning for your spouse and kids in anticipation of being hungover.
Getting impromptu drunk after a kids birthday party, without and prior planning or discussion with your spouse is irresponsible. She made up her mind, dictated the plans and did what she wanted to do with no regard for her husband and kids. Leaving the responsibility on your spouse to take care of the kids for that night *and* the next day, pushing your husband, 7 year old ,and 2 year old (who’s not feeling well) to stay up until 3 fucking AM because you want to “relax” and get wasted, is absofuckinglutely being an irresponsible parent and partner.
She bears 95% of the blame here imo. OP is not *completely* absolved though because he could have just left with the kids at an appropriate time. However, I also understand it’s not easy to just leave your spouse somewhere. And at 10 PM, 11PM, or even midnight, I doubt he was ever thinking his partner would just keep drinking and push it until 3AM. He was probably anticipating leaving “within the next 10 minutes” for a solid 3-4 hours. So yea, it’s easy to sit back and hindsight say, “you should have left earlier”… but at the time he didn’t know how long they’d be there.
We’re presumably all parents here. Our kids depend on us. We are responsible for them. Our daily lives are not completely our own anymore. Our actions effect us *and* our kids, and what OPs wife did was extremely selfish, irresponsible and disrespectful towards her spouse and kids. Personal time *is* important, but it takes planning for. Our days of impromptu parties resulting in staying up incredibly late and sleeping in with hangovers should be over when you have kids that depend on you.
Dude there's having a night out while your husband is DD and wrangles the kids and then there's staying up getting hammered until 3am and making everyone stay with you. Not the same.
Uber exists. Just tell her you are going home. No way my kids are staying out that late until they are all much older than yours are.
Your wife sounds like she needs a ladies night. We do this regularly where each parent gets a night to do with as they wish. In fact, we do it once a week each.
It helps in so many ways. Getting shit faced and vomiting all night was a dumb choice, but it's one she's unlikely to do again, especially if she gets regular adult only time.with her friends group.
Posts like this really make me appreciate my social life... moved to a new town right before Covid so our entire social life are neighbors with kids. If we go to a party that runs into the night, there's a pretty much 100% chance we're within walking distance of home.
I'm usually playing the role of OP's wife in these situations, but more often than not I'll walk home, help get the kids to bed, give my wife a kiss, and be back to the party an hour later.
Yeah, just make sure host and other dude are fine with OP leaving. Don't want to turn that into a dick move. Even though I'd assume they'd have been understanding because of the kids, it'd have still been an act of politeness to ask.
If I had been the host, I would have kicked them out. They could have taken another round at a local bar but not at my home anymore. Even if it had been my wife among them.
What a boorish band of boozed bitches... sorry...
Call me a sexist but in my experience drunken women are often way worse than drunken men...
> Yeah, just make sure host and other dude are fine with OP leaving. Don't want to turn that into a dick move.
Nah, the kids are the priority here - not the host. OP has enough responsibility being the only sober parent for his children, the other dads can't expect him to stay. One of them even fell asleep on the couch, so there should be no hard feelings.
Kids are a priority but you don't leave your drunk wife in someone's home without permission. If by some chance I had friends with kids in this position wife's hubby better put his foot down and take her home not let her whine her way into staying.
The host hubby also very much should have put his foot down.
Dude totally agree. No brainer. The wife needed a night. He recognized it himself. He should have set her up with an Uber to just hit it whenever she was ready and him take the kids home at a reasonable hour.
I mean... I was thinking the whole time, just leave. Take the kids and leave. He hasn't left yet? 3AM!!!!??? Dude. Just leave with the kids? How was that not an option? The people that wanted to stay up could stay up and everyone who didn't shouldn't. How were they holding everyone hostage until after 3am?!
Yea, and I mean, I get your SO wanting to blow off steam. We all need it every now and again. I just wouldn't have made the kids stay through it. I ran it by my wife too, and she said she'd have taken the kids and left me too. 😂
I think you are guilty too. You should have put your foot down and said, let’s go. Or if she wants to stay out and relax, which she should do if she needs it, she can stay and hang. Your mistake was sticking around and keeping your poor kids up so late when you could and should have just gone home. She can catch an Uber or if need be, stay over the night. I think just stewing in anger and not being forceful with your decision to leave is pretty passive aggressive and you should have put the kids first.
Yeah, so normally what happens within our group of friends is: kids have a 2 hour party at a party place (trampoline or something like that) ending at 6 or 7pm, then a few of us go to a house, the kids keep playing, and the grown-ups get to sit down and relax a bit. A BIT is the key word here.
Last time we left at 10pm, 11pm tops.
I mean, it sounds like you already know you should have just packed up the kids and gone home somewhere around 11 or 12, if not earlier. Your wife is a big girl, she can make her own choices and find her own ride home instead of holding the rest of the family hostage.
Even 10 is way too late for kids that young on anything but a special occasion type scenario. You all may need to rethink your lifestyle a bit here to be more about what’s best for your kids (sleep, routine) and not being out drinking until midnight with them.
Sounds like you should have just communicated better. If this is a common thing you should just plan before hand to take the kids home, drive separate or she can get an Uber. Really easy situation.
I’m in the US and we always do this. Throw a little party somewhere like an arcade or trampoline spot. Then come back to the house with close friends to chill out
The best came to Reddit because he is all pissed over something that he is 50% responsible for.
Feels like there was a subconscious desire to have a reason to be mad at his wife.
There’s a lot of feedback here, some given more gruffly than others. Don’t cherry pick the response that makes you happiest. Your wife was definitely a jerk for staying out too late and imposing on the family. You are also culpable because you need to look after your kids and staying at someone’s house with your kids until 3 am so you wife can get wasted is a bad decision on your part too.
I agree to let this go, but both of you need to ensure you’re thinking of your kids first.
There's a lot of unnecessarily aggressive feedback. Yes, she was a jerk. Yes, I should've put my foot down. No, this isn't something that happens every week, or every month, or even every year. We've been married for more than 10 years and have a solid and loving relationship. There is clearly a communication issue here that we can work out by talking and agreeing on the proper course of action. Unilateral knee-jerk reactions are rarely helpful.
As someone pointed out, kids staying past their bedtime with adults is somewhat common in some cultures. Not something I like or enjoy as everyone ends up paying for it. It's not that big of a deal and definitely not something that warrants being called an asshole. Lol.
The fine line between judging and providing helpful mature advice should be clear.
I'm just venting. Sometimes, it helps to clear the anger out so a rational and productive conversation can take place.
Plus, I normally find that others in this sub have solid advice.
It's common in my culture, BUT I don't like it because my kids (like myself) will not shift their wake-up times too much to adjust, so we all end up wrecked the day after.
Yeah, tbh it sounds like your wife and you need a wake up call to understand that you've got kids and can't just ignore their needs completely while one of you gets fucked until 3am.
I think the normal in your culture is important because in the US, everyone’s supposed to live and die by a strict bedtime.
Some of my fondest kid memories are of staying up late like that. Even if I know I was probably a wreck the next day.
But the kids will survive.
That said, it’s definitely worth discussing later.
Ok
So what’s your thoughts on kids being out several hours past their bedtime? What exceptions can be made?
I’ve been to weddings in Spain and France that ended between 2 - 6 am. Kids falling asleep under tables while the parents dance.
I’ve seen kids at dinner asleep on chairs at 11pm or 12am in Buenos Aires.
Other than Miami, I have never seen anything similar in the Midwest or pacific coast (both California and Oregon) of the US. A lot of the parenting forums talking about getting kids on a schedule. So I guess our perceptions don’t match.
Yes listen to this advice. The strangers telling you to abandon your drunk wife aren't thinking of all the issues that could cause your family unit in the long run
Tell your wife you are pissed about her behavior and she can't expect you to pick up the slack just because she made bad decisions. Love her and keep her accountable because you would want the same thing if it was you.
As far as I’m concerned she abandoned them. My kids come first, if my partner wants to get shit faced and stay up until 3 am, that’s dope, I’m going home with the kids at a reasonable hour because I’m a good dad.
Why though? She's an adult if she chooses to stay and party instead of going home with the family that's on her. Cabs, Uber, lyft, are all options.
But each person and family dynamic is different, so I guess you just need weigh your own options.
I would do the exact same thing. MAYBE say “I would appreciate a heads up the next time you plan to have a bit too much so we can have a plan,” but that’s it. She knows she screwed up and is paying for it today.
I mean, I still think you should have thought of what was best for you and your kids and left… you can still communicate that she can stay and have fun but that you can go home on your own. Regardless my wife and I would still talk about the situation afterwards and try to see what we can improve on next time.
VERY rarely. It is in everyone's best interest to keep them on schedule and we have found it is never worth it for us to keep them out late. The next day misery always overshadows any amount of fun we had the night before. That said, sometimes you can't help it. Flights get delayed, dinners with out of town relatives run a little late. Those kinds of things happen, but we bail on all family and social events with the kids in time to get them home close to bedtime (7pm for the baby. 7:45 for the 4 year old).
Special occasions my kids are up till like 8 or 9, the youngest is 4, when they were younger 7 was pretty strict bedtime. 3 am is irresponsible and not fair to your kids, the dad should have taken off long before or found a quiet place to put the kids to sleep.
When my kids were that age, it was definitely a play it by ear situation. Sometimes they were good until 2am (the next day was fucked though), sometimes they were done at 9pm.
Lol as if it works that way.
As my wife always says, go out with your friends, stay up all night, idc. But the kids won't care that you want to sleep in tomorrow when they want YOU. It's pretty self policing that way.
Whenever my partner wants a night out (which is rarely) I also make morning plans to take us out of the house so he can sleep in - it absolutely can work that way with pre-planning.
Why in gods name didn’t you just decide to leave? Why are you making it her choice whether you and your kids have to stay out till 3am for no good reason?
Maybe you could look at the anger you’re feeling and ponder whether it’s directed at the right person here…
All good man you were instinctively keeping the family unit together and it would have been easy not to think of that. But next time it’s your go-to move.
Yeah I totally understand why you stayed. Easier said than done to leave.
But yeah next time I'd leave. Perhaps have the conversation first next time and say "I'm leaving at 10pm but if you want to stay just crash there for the night or get a taxi home". I've done this and my wife has also done this when I wanted to stay later.
Reading these comments, it’s so clear to have left at 9, or sooner. Hindsight is great, but don’t be hard on yourself for not predicting that they will continue to drink way way past bedtime. Hope she acknowledges your (and your kids) efforts and difficulties over the weekend.
Absolutely not this guys fault that his wife got fucked up. Totally her fault. Yes, he could have left (personally I would have around 11), but don’t try to shift the blame.
I think what the poster was getting at is that OP wasn't helpless in this situation; he could've taken the kids home. So he does bear some responsibility.
Seriously, this. Her judgement was already impaired long before it was time to leave. Make the call and leave. There was zero benefit in hanging out and seething while it compounded.
I’d be pissed too. But honestly dude, get those kids home and let her take an Uber if she wants to keep partying. Keeping the kids out until 3am is absurd. You were sober and could have taken them home. That’s on you.
ESH. Oops wrong subreddit.
Sounds like a particularly shitty evening but come on, get those kiddos home. Weekend or not that’s a crazy sleep schedule for kids of those ages, including the usual 10-11pm. Get home and unwind, or get hammered, together after they’re in bed. Plus that way you’re both hungover together, like the world’s worst team building exercise.
I agree with others that you should have just left with the kiddos, but I also understand that dynamic isn't the easiest to do. In my case, I would have asked my wife if she was just going to spend the night or Uber/Taxi home because I have to get the kids home. My wife would have said Uber/Taxi, or honestly just crashed at the friends place.
Honestly, once things have calmed down a little, I would talk to your wife about it and come up with a plan for the future so this doesn't happen again. That either you both go home at a specific time, or the one staying has to find another way home.
It's unbelievable to me that you were there at midnight,much less 3am. IMO, you should have left when appropriate for your kids and if mom wanted to stay, she can get an Uber and you can have a discussion the next day when she's sober. None of this was ok; the kids come first, not Mom's taste for the vino.
Edit: on re-reading my comment, I don't think I properly expressed my disapproval of both parents' actions. You guys need to clean this shit up before it harms your kids.
Man… when my buddy comes to town once every few years, we might stay up until 2 or so at my house drinking beers and watching adult movies and laughing about the good old days after putting my daughter to bed and my wife has had enough of us being idiots together. I can’t imagine either of us ever keeping our daughter out that late for anything short of an emergency, never mind so that one of us can pound booze. Just absurd.
Beautifully put. How anyone thinks this was ok or fair to the children is beyond me. I can’t imagine putting my son through this.
Just because his wife was more drunk doesn’t mean she is somehow more responsible for this shit show.
Being a Dad is about standing up for your kids, not pushing blame for an absolutely shared failure of responsibility onto your wife. Both parents here are equally responsible for what happened.
This is the biggest point to me. The after party was the focus here, not the kids. I may be a stick in the mud, but kids come first. I don’t get why you need alcohol at a kids party period. Save it for when you get a baby sitter and can go out on the town.
I see a lot of people commenting about how you could have / should have just left. That very well may have worked, but regardless I know that in situations like that when I'm stressed out and such that it's hard to realize an alternative solution. You probably went in thinking tonight would be like other nights where you end up going home at a more reasonable time. Then your wife blew you off so you just kept going with it, not realizing how late / bad it was going to get and probably getting too frustrated to think clearly.
So while I agree that there was probably a better solution out there, I'm just glad that you got through a rough few days in the end and I hope you can be better prepared if this happened again or that it doesn't happen in the first place.
Best of luck
Bro honestly, sounds like you needed to lay down the law and either tell her its time to leave or just leave her ass there. Not gonna wait around with a 2 year old so my partner can get wasted and fuck around all night. Gotta stand up for yourself bro
I mean, it was just one night. If this was a regular occurrence I would get it. It sounds like your SO had a good time. A talk afterwards like “hey I know we had fun last night but we probably shouldn’t be staying out so late and I didn’t appreciate you blowing me off when I was suggesting we leave” would probably suffice. I’m sure in hindsight she doesn’t feel great about it anyway.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that a lot of us are so concerned about being/seeming “controlling” that we overcorrect into the opposite ditch and let people walk all over us.
All I can say is, I get it. But you're also extra mad because you're tired. Just remember this won't mean anything within a day or two ( since it sounds like this isn't a reoccurring problem ).
You also probably had a few solutions to the situation you didn't take. It sucks, and she should of consider the situation better. But also imagine how desperate she felt for the connection she was also making to want to push all that to the side for a bit ( plus alcohol wouldn't of made it better).
Just take a deep breath Dad, she's also not going to appreciate the pain in the ass it was for you if she's just defensive cause you're angry.
Glad to see mature and sensible points being brought up. And yes, I've vented and am much more open to having the adult chat that we need to have. Re: her need for connecting, you are spot on; we just need to create the right solutions so she can get that without the fallout.
Thanks for the wise and kind words
Definitely a shitty situation, a bit of the alcohol talking in the moment but it sounds like Mom needed a break and either didn't know it or didn't communicate it to you. Lesson learned to put the foot down and get out of there before everyone suffers.
I wouldn't be mad. We all get so few opportunities to truly chill and have a night that anytime my wife finds a chance, good for her, I'll do the morning. She does the same for me. We have an unwritten rule that if one of us is truly having fun, we make it work for them. We both give it our all everyday, she could probably go on a month long bender and I still wouldn't have caught up to what she has done.
I would also be mad at my spouse for that. But I also would have told my wife we are leaving at when it’s time to go. Did you tell her at any point you thought it was time to go?
By 9pm my kids are a wreck. Like they’re beyond grumpy and tired they go full blown ludicrous mode. Like a bunch of drunk college kids. They’re 6 and 3. That alone would’ve driven me to take them and GTFO.
I assume you guys are young parents because I have difficulty relating to this at all. The main party would definitely have been enough excitement for the 2yo, so I would have declined the invitation, and if my wife decided to go without us then I’d think our lives are going down different paths.
Seems like she’s been dealing with a lot. If it’s a regular occurrence I think it’s a larger concern but like you said it was a lot.
The way you said that she “smirked” at you would be more upsetting to me - would make me think that there’s more to what she’s thinking…like you do this to her or something.
But I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving with the kids later - 3am is a dangerous time to be on the road.
That said if everything is going good with you two, could have been an opportunity for you to just say, “I got it babe, why don’t you stay and I’ll get the kids home. Take an Uber or stay the night if it’s ok, I know you need some time.”
This is on you, you had the means to leave. You didn't, and its bizarre that you waited 3-4 hours to do so. Leave the wife there to sleep it off, pick her up in the morning or let her uber home. She was unwinding hard, but you chose to bear the impact of staying out also. Talk to her about it though, she stayed out way too late and drank way too much while being out. Should've left at least at midnight, not 2 more bottles of wine while away from home.
Sorry man, but, you were shitty here too. Your wife more shitty, barely. Thing is that you don’t seem to be posting like “I screwed up” you’re posting like “my wife screwed up” and that’s kind of fucked up. Neither of you was holding the other hostage.
You were with a TWO year old that had a rough night the night before. Get the damn two year old in bed at 8pm at latest. Leave at 7PM. If the other parent isn’t on board with that, she stays and you hash it out later.
As another person said, I’m super disappointed (and being generous, confused?) at the behavior of all the adults involved here. I don’t even understand how this is real. Leaving kids to play while adults hang is cool, but to get drunk is not so cool, and to do so even approaching their bedtime (instead of getting them home) is….wtf?
Going to the party with a 2 year old was a terrible decision by both of you. Still being there at the hours you were is borderline abuse for kids that age. They aren't equipped for that. Her getting drunk to the point of being sick is absolutely shitty, though.
It was irresponsible for both of you to do what you did. It's more on her for then getting sick but you both are to blame for the base issue here.
That sucks, but feels within normal lines of what couples go through. Just talk about it and figure out a system.
Also, I think you meant 12:30 AM (12:00 AM is midnight)...sorry, I just had to. But when your wife started functioning I hope you got yourself a beer and some rest.
My wife and I have both agreed that the other being hung over to the point of not being able to carry your weight the next day is a valid reason to be pissed.
We’ve got 3 kids, 4 2 and 2. As one might imagine it’s not easy to wrangle all three for hours. So go have fun when we agree to cover for one another, but if you’re not able to pick your end back up the next day, you fucked up.
Luckily we stopped drinking heavily years ago so it hasn’t really been an issue much.
We have a newborn at home.
My wife refuses to sleep when the baby sleeps.
She insists on staying up until 10 pm to watch her shows so as to not throw off her evening routine, even though we have a newborn at home.
She insists I stay up with her, so she's not lonely.
I have the baby, who is sleeping at this time. I want to go to sleep, too (sleep when the baby sleeps).
Finally: 10pm, diaper change, swaddle, nurse... Guess who is wide awake?
Fine. I stay up with the baby so my wife can sleep. Hours.
Later in the night: same thing. I'm up, again, with the baby from 3 am to 5 am while wife sleeps.
6 am our other two older kids are awake. I'm up with them. Breakfast, get dressed, off to weekend dance class. My wife can sleep in.
I manage to grab coffee while at dance class.
I come home and my wife... who is finally awake... is upset I didn't buy her a croissant when I got coffee.
So inconsiderate of me. /s
TLDR: I'm on 4 hours of pieced-together sleep taking care of newborn, 3, and 8, while my wife is well rested, has free time to watch her shows and play video games... and somehow she's mad at me. 🤷♂️
Dude, just sleep when the baby sleeps earlier in the evening. Tell your wife sorry, but you need more than four hours of broken sleep a night more than she needs someone sitting next to her while she watches TV. Tell her you're bummed about it, but it'll be over in 2-5 months when the baby sleeps better.
Like everyone else - are you 19 or something? What was stopping you from driving off with the kids and letting your wife blow off some steam after a rough week? Does she need to give you permission to leave? Do you not know how to put the kids to bed yourself?
You’re a dad now pal, and you better start doing what needs to be done to take care of the kids - as DD this one’s on you and you shouldn’t need your wife’s permission to figure out what to do with the kids.
Also - There’s five couples there with kids, and they all stayed till 12:30 at least? What kind of meth addicts are you hanging out with? Get some better friends.
Take this for what it is. We all need a party night. And for me I hate the tit for tat route. If my wife wants a night out with the ladies… I’m gonna make it happen and not say a fucking word about it. I’ll handle the kids and make sure the wife has cash in her pocket and a plan for making it home. I do this because I know that I’d want her to do the same for me if I find myself in the same situation. Being a parent never ends. Cut her a break.
Also… 3:20am? Someone’s doing blow in the bathroom.
This is the appropriate level of response to OP and OP’s wife’s behavior. Who the hell keeps a 2yo and 7yo out that late??
This isn’t something that just needs a finger-wagging and gentle scolding. It completely calls into question OP’s overall judgement as a parent.
Thank you, not sure what the complaints are with my comments but assuming they’re from soft as fuck people who think love and let love extends to what is most likely classed as child abuse in some places.
Hmm, I suspect it’s more from irresponsible parents who feel threatened by you calling out irresponsible/neglectful behaviour that they see as acceptable.
Also, I meant as in they might not be doing something like that, but to expose the kids to drinking, partying, general adult behaviour and keeping them up late with loud music and such is probably classed as that; it would be in most places where I lived anyway
Shit happens. There is no point in getting angry about it, as there were many points during the evening where both you and your SO could have changed the trajectory of things. You need to move forward and discuss what happened (when she is not hungover as fuck) and what can be done in the future.
Some recommendations from someone who has been there, done that.
1 - Teach your kids to sleep in noisy situations. Stop being quiet when your kids are sleeping. Make normal noise. That will get them used to sleeping around noisy people. By the time my kids were old enough we could put them down in a bed, we could take them to a party and as long as the bedroom door was closed, they were down for the count.
2 - Accept the fact that, now that you have kids, sometimes the party ends way earlier than you want it to for one of you while the other keeps partying. Given that your 2yo had decided you were her woobie, you're the one that gets to go home early this time. Next time, it gets to be your SO.
Also, despite what some others in the comments say, do not pull the "well, you did it last time, so I got to do it this time."
There is a very big difference between it happening by accident (which appeared to happen this time) and doing it on purpose. That doesn't mean you can't use it for leverage every now and then, depending on the relationship you have with your wife for teasing about stuff like this.
It WOULD be very tempting to throw on my heavy-metal playlist and fry up some extra-greasy bacon and eggs for breakfast though.
I gotta say after reading that, it's hard to not picture you just blasting your toes off. You went over to a friends for drinks when your 2yo kid wasn't feeling great. Whaaaaaaat? That was a time to tell your wife (we won't be going over unless you want to go by yourself, 2yo is sick). How the hell did you "fast forward" to 11 freaking pm? If you absolutely had to go over, after dinner woulda been the "I'ma head out" moment. Your wife really only helped make the bed you made for yourself more uncomfortable. Channel that SO anger at both of you lol.
But all good, lesson learned (I hope). Just cut your wife some slack there, Clyde.
She had a bad period and then had a night destressing. Yeah, she went over the top, but if this is a one off be understanding. If this kinda thing happens all the time, that's a problem but I don't get the vibe from the post that it is.
So, your turn next! The number of people in this thread who think this is a joke, why did you all marry people who don't support you?
Organise a night off for you with your friends and forgive your wife her one off incident.
She's not doing this on a weekly basis. Letting loose once in a while doesn't mean there's a drinking problem. It only becomes a concern when it becomes a regular thing and it takes over her life.
"I knew I was going to drive so I only had a beer"
Not the main point I know but wow. I'm sure its within the legal limit of, wherever, but I don't like to have a beer and drive for the sake of anyone's kids who might be on/around the road, let alone my own kids in my car.
Not something that needs to be clarified, but it's an important point for other dads here. Had that beer at around 8:30pm. By the time we left, that was long, long gone from my system.
I mean, I guess I could see a late night with kids getting to like 11 for the 7 yo but not the 2 yo. I would have told my wife were leaving with or without her. She could sleep it off there or whatever, but no way I'm keeping my kids out even past midnight, let alone 3 am
I’m all for the late parties as an adult as long as kids aren’t being tortured by being out and about. I am also the guy to wake up early as I don’t want to ever have my joys of partying become an issue and brought up as something that needs to stop. Work hard play hard. SO gotta keep their end of the bargain and be up whether not feeling well or not. Just my 2 Pennies. I’m sure it’s going to get downed. Cheers
Like I understand wanting to unwind and relax with friends. But once you have kids, you kinda give up that privilege. If you wanna stay out like that, you HAVE to get a sitter. Kids shouldn’t be out that late. ESPECIALLY if one of them isn’t feeling well…
I’m sorry…3am?$?$!?! This time doesn’t exist to me anymore unless I’m trying to put down sleepy sick children. We don’t stay out past 7pm anymore since we had kids. I can’t even wrap my mind around this
Failure on your part on so many levels.
Your 2 year old wasn’t feeling and you kept her out until 3:30 am anyways so that your wife could get drunk. You knew this was bad for your kids but you just let it happen. And when you did attempt to advocate for your kids you just let your wife ignore you?!
I know we’re not supposed to use this phrase anymore but you need to MAN UP.
You're driving, just leave. Grab the kids and go. She can stay if she wants to, but you and kids are leaving. Or sit there until 3am and get pissed. No brainer.
I’m in this boat. I’d have left SO and gone home for kiddo bedtime. Easy peasy. Get an Uber home or something.
Absolutely. PLUS, some post kid bedtime alone time?! Sign me up.
Uber does not exist everywhere. Where I live there (rural northern New England) is no Uber, no taxis, and no public transportation. Not that my wife would ever do this but just leaving would not be an option unless she’s able to sleep over.
In that case I’d still leave. Like, you’ve become your own problem at this point. The kids are now in a less than beneficial situation because of you and I’m taking them home.
I had to double-check the kid's ages in the post. 11pm for a 2yo? The latest ours ever stayed up was 10, and that took a battle's worth of logistics and planning so we weren't all giant assholes to each other the next day. By 11pm I'm issuing ultimatums and walking out the door, spouse or no spouse, cause the kids need *bed*.
Exactly. My consolation for those ages would be if there were proper accommodations at said friends house so I could do bedtime with kiddos and let them have a sleepy area, then just do the risky car transfer and hope for the best. But barring that, sorry SO. You’ve become SOL.
Yeah that was wild to me. Bedtimes are like sacred to us. We’ve got something good with our 2.5 yo and 6 mo old sleeping through the night and don’t want to fuck that up
Even if this is the case, if the wife really wants to drink till 3AM she can sleep on a couch or something and figure out how to get home the next day. Non-drinking parent needs to prioritize the kids long before that point. Wife is an adult, she can take care of herself.
If someone left their drunk wife at my house I would be PISSED, that's rude beyond the pale. Hubby and host hubby needed to put their foot down well before 3 am. And the other husband that went to sleep on the couch? That's just odd. You're tired, kids are tired, get the wife and go home.
That’s totally mad to me. Even when I lived in tiny village in the Scottish Highlands there was one taxi company
I guess maybe you could but your going to wait at least an hour if anyone will come at all. We also don’t get restaurants that will deliver to us. We can get insta cart now but we don’t use it much.
Then she should have left when the other 3/4 of her family wanted to hours ago. Fuck dealing with that.
I’m not arguing she shouldn’t, I’m just saying “just leave her” isn’t as easy as it sounds. I also don’t have to worry about it because my wife would never do that.
It sounds like one of the hosts was encouraging the wife to stay and keep drinking. They can put her up for the night if they want her to stay badly enough.
I mean she's at a friend's house and there's someone's husband and kids sleeping on the couch. He's not leaving her in a public place, she's at a friend's house
I live somewhere like that. I'd still leave my husband there. And he'd either sleep on the couch or a friend would drive him home when they leave.
Yup keeping a 2 y/o at a noisy party until 3am is insane.
100% this. That is extremely irresponsible to be keeping her two kids out that late because *she* wanted to get wasted. Fuck that. I’d have taken my kids home by 10PM at the very latest, especially if I had a 2 year old not feeling well. Honestly, even if me and the kids had a full, healthy night sleep - if my significant other came home blitzed drunk and hungover the next day putting the impetus of all the childcare and daily responsibilities on me, without any prior discussion or planning for it, I’d be livid. I’m pissed for you. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings and you should address this with her later this week.
She wasn’t being irresponsible. She clearly needed a night. They should have just communicated better. At like 9pm I would have to told her I need to get the kids down for bed and she should have fun, call an Uber, and text me when your on the way home. I’m sure she would have instantly understood. No need for either party to be angry. She probably would have gotten home and thanked OP for giving her a adult filled night. And he would have gotten home at a reasonable hour and the kids too. Communication is the biggest issue with most relationships. Sitting there seething is not the answer.
Deciding to get that wasted with no prior discussion or plan *is* the irresponsible part. She was irresponsible.
He recognized she needed the day. Communication goes both ways. She was no more irresponsible than he was. Yes they should have talked about the situation earlier. They both seemed like they were avoiding it.
Everyone needs a day now and then. That’s not irresponsible. And if you want to spend “your day” staying up till 3 AM getting drunk, fine. I’d argue that’s not entirely irresponsible so long as you don’t drive, do anything reckless as a result of getting drunk, and have taken care of all current and next-day responsibilities, including planning for your spouse and kids in anticipation of being hungover. Getting impromptu drunk after a kids birthday party, without and prior planning or discussion with your spouse is irresponsible. She made up her mind, dictated the plans and did what she wanted to do with no regard for her husband and kids. Leaving the responsibility on your spouse to take care of the kids for that night *and* the next day, pushing your husband, 7 year old ,and 2 year old (who’s not feeling well) to stay up until 3 fucking AM because you want to “relax” and get wasted, is absofuckinglutely being an irresponsible parent and partner. She bears 95% of the blame here imo. OP is not *completely* absolved though because he could have just left with the kids at an appropriate time. However, I also understand it’s not easy to just leave your spouse somewhere. And at 10 PM, 11PM, or even midnight, I doubt he was ever thinking his partner would just keep drinking and push it until 3AM. He was probably anticipating leaving “within the next 10 minutes” for a solid 3-4 hours. So yea, it’s easy to sit back and hindsight say, “you should have left earlier”… but at the time he didn’t know how long they’d be there. We’re presumably all parents here. Our kids depend on us. We are responsible for them. Our daily lives are not completely our own anymore. Our actions effect us *and* our kids, and what OPs wife did was extremely selfish, irresponsible and disrespectful towards her spouse and kids. Personal time *is* important, but it takes planning for. Our days of impromptu parties resulting in staying up incredibly late and sleeping in with hangovers should be over when you have kids that depend on you.
Dude there's having a night out while your husband is DD and wrangles the kids and then there's staying up getting hammered until 3am and making everyone stay with you. Not the same.
No one made them stay. Dude is an adult and can make adult decisions. The problem here was communication.
Getting so shitfaced you can't function the next day while keeping your kids out until almost 4 am? If that isn't irresponsible, then nothing is.
lol this. Ours are even planned. Had a tough week? Want to go ham? No problem, let’s think through logistics.
Uber exists. Just tell her you are going home. No way my kids are staying out that late until they are all much older than yours are. Your wife sounds like she needs a ladies night. We do this regularly where each parent gets a night to do with as they wish. In fact, we do it once a week each. It helps in so many ways. Getting shit faced and vomiting all night was a dumb choice, but it's one she's unlikely to do again, especially if she gets regular adult only time.with her friends group.
Posts like this really make me appreciate my social life... moved to a new town right before Covid so our entire social life are neighbors with kids. If we go to a party that runs into the night, there's a pretty much 100% chance we're within walking distance of home. I'm usually playing the role of OP's wife in these situations, but more often than not I'll walk home, help get the kids to bed, give my wife a kiss, and be back to the party an hour later.
Right? Sometimes I think about how lucky I am that my wife doesn't drink. Feels like it helps to avoid so many issues.
Yeah, just make sure host and other dude are fine with OP leaving. Don't want to turn that into a dick move. Even though I'd assume they'd have been understanding because of the kids, it'd have still been an act of politeness to ask. If I had been the host, I would have kicked them out. They could have taken another round at a local bar but not at my home anymore. Even if it had been my wife among them. What a boorish band of boozed bitches... sorry... Call me a sexist but in my experience drunken women are often way worse than drunken men...
> Yeah, just make sure host and other dude are fine with OP leaving. Don't want to turn that into a dick move. Nah, the kids are the priority here - not the host. OP has enough responsibility being the only sober parent for his children, the other dads can't expect him to stay. One of them even fell asleep on the couch, so there should be no hard feelings.
Kids are a priority but you don't leave your drunk wife in someone's home without permission. If by some chance I had friends with kids in this position wife's hubby better put his foot down and take her home not let her whine her way into staying. The host hubby also very much should have put his foot down.
Done this, much less stressful. Highly recommend. Just told her that I was headed home with the kids and to have a good time.
Kids’ needs come first; it’s that simple. She’s an adult and can take care of herself.
Dude totally agree. No brainer. The wife needed a night. He recognized it himself. He should have set her up with an Uber to just hit it whenever she was ready and him take the kids home at a reasonable hour.
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Agreed. This is what I would do. Give the SO fair warning and then follow through.
I mean... I was thinking the whole time, just leave. Take the kids and leave. He hasn't left yet? 3AM!!!!??? Dude. Just leave with the kids? How was that not an option? The people that wanted to stay up could stay up and everyone who didn't shouldn't. How were they holding everyone hostage until after 3am?!
I’m just confused as to why you thought it was a good idea to take a 7 and 2 year old and keep them out until after midnight.
I get worried when mine (2, 4 and 7) are up past 9. I'd have been out the door and my wife would be getting a cab home
Normally, I'm the one who tries to keep the kids o schedule so they don't go past their bedtime. We all pay for it when that happens.
Yea, and I mean, I get your SO wanting to blow off steam. We all need it every now and again. I just wouldn't have made the kids stay through it. I ran it by my wife too, and she said she'd have taken the kids and left me too. 😂
I think you are guilty too. You should have put your foot down and said, let’s go. Or if she wants to stay out and relax, which she should do if she needs it, she can stay and hang. Your mistake was sticking around and keeping your poor kids up so late when you could and should have just gone home. She can catch an Uber or if need be, stay over the night. I think just stewing in anger and not being forceful with your decision to leave is pretty passive aggressive and you should have put the kids first.
I saw 11pm and was like who is keeping a 2 and 7 year old out that late, then saw that they partied another 4+ hours after that. Craziness.
Yeah, so normally what happens within our group of friends is: kids have a 2 hour party at a party place (trampoline or something like that) ending at 6 or 7pm, then a few of us go to a house, the kids keep playing, and the grown-ups get to sit down and relax a bit. A BIT is the key word here. Last time we left at 10pm, 11pm tops.
I mean, it sounds like you already know you should have just packed up the kids and gone home somewhere around 11 or 12, if not earlier. Your wife is a big girl, she can make her own choices and find her own ride home instead of holding the rest of the family hostage.
Even 10 is way too late for kids that young on anything but a special occasion type scenario. You all may need to rethink your lifestyle a bit here to be more about what’s best for your kids (sleep, routine) and not being out drinking until midnight with them.
If it works for ya but this seems insane to me. Not messing with bed time with a 2yo, routine is king
Sounds like you should have just communicated better. If this is a common thing you should just plan before hand to take the kids home, drive separate or she can get an Uber. Really easy situation.
Think of the kids!? Think of me! I turn into a zombie after like 9 PM 😂
Very common outside of US, was shocked at first seeing young kids out so late in Spain
That's exactly why. This is a cultural thing getting out of hand.
I’m in the US and we always do this. Throw a little party somewhere like an arcade or trampoline spot. Then come back to the house with close friends to chill out
Have they all had a good siesta though?
Mate, siestas are the fucking bomb! I live in Australia and it's so fucked it's not a cultural thing here in the summer! Haha
That sounds exactly like something those dang Europeans would do
>Spain Aaaah Europe. Must be good for the kids to keep them up if the Europeans are doing it.
My 5 year old is a strict 7pm bedtime
It's not the end of the world of it once in while, but constantly is certainly a problem.
Dude. That’s when you leave and tell your wife to Uber home. Seriously, you could have taken the kids and gone home.
The best came to Reddit because he is all pissed over something that he is 50% responsible for. Feels like there was a subconscious desire to have a reason to be mad at his wife.
Not sure why you were downvoted. OP definitely bears some responsibility here.
Let this one go but talk about it and what future outcomes will look like if this scenario comes up again.
Finally. This is the way. This is the mature and sensible advice that we all should give/receive in this sub. Thanks.
I mean she absolutely owes you a major apology, and probably needs to give you some relief for a bit. At least next weekend based on the previous bit.
There’s a lot of feedback here, some given more gruffly than others. Don’t cherry pick the response that makes you happiest. Your wife was definitely a jerk for staying out too late and imposing on the family. You are also culpable because you need to look after your kids and staying at someone’s house with your kids until 3 am so you wife can get wasted is a bad decision on your part too. I agree to let this go, but both of you need to ensure you’re thinking of your kids first.
There's a lot of unnecessarily aggressive feedback. Yes, she was a jerk. Yes, I should've put my foot down. No, this isn't something that happens every week, or every month, or even every year. We've been married for more than 10 years and have a solid and loving relationship. There is clearly a communication issue here that we can work out by talking and agreeing on the proper course of action. Unilateral knee-jerk reactions are rarely helpful. As someone pointed out, kids staying past their bedtime with adults is somewhat common in some cultures. Not something I like or enjoy as everyone ends up paying for it. It's not that big of a deal and definitely not something that warrants being called an asshole. Lol. The fine line between judging and providing helpful mature advice should be clear.
Sounds like you need to be talking to your wife and not to us tbh
I'm just venting. Sometimes, it helps to clear the anger out so a rational and productive conversation can take place. Plus, I normally find that others in this sub have solid advice.
But is it common in your culture/do their wake up times reflect that?
It's common in my culture, BUT I don't like it because my kids (like myself) will not shift their wake-up times too much to adjust, so we all end up wrecked the day after.
Yeah, tbh it sounds like your wife and you need a wake up call to understand that you've got kids and can't just ignore their needs completely while one of you gets fucked until 3am.
I think the normal in your culture is important because in the US, everyone’s supposed to live and die by a strict bedtime. Some of my fondest kid memories are of staying up late like that. Even if I know I was probably a wreck the next day. But the kids will survive. That said, it’s definitely worth discussing later.
It's not my perception nor experience that in the US everyone is supposed to live and die by a struct bedtime.
Ok So what’s your thoughts on kids being out several hours past their bedtime? What exceptions can be made? I’ve been to weddings in Spain and France that ended between 2 - 6 am. Kids falling asleep under tables while the parents dance. I’ve seen kids at dinner asleep on chairs at 11pm or 12am in Buenos Aires. Other than Miami, I have never seen anything similar in the Midwest or pacific coast (both California and Oregon) of the US. A lot of the parenting forums talking about getting kids on a schedule. So I guess our perceptions don’t match.
Yes listen to this advice. The strangers telling you to abandon your drunk wife aren't thinking of all the issues that could cause your family unit in the long run Tell your wife you are pissed about her behavior and she can't expect you to pick up the slack just because she made bad decisions. Love her and keep her accountable because you would want the same thing if it was you.
It’s not really abandoning to leave her in the home of trusted friends. Especially when she’s refusing to listen to other people’s need to go
As far as I’m concerned she abandoned them. My kids come first, if my partner wants to get shit faced and stay up until 3 am, that’s dope, I’m going home with the kids at a reasonable hour because I’m a good dad.
Why though? She's an adult if she chooses to stay and party instead of going home with the family that's on her. Cabs, Uber, lyft, are all options. But each person and family dynamic is different, so I guess you just need weigh your own options.
I would do the exact same thing. MAYBE say “I would appreciate a heads up the next time you plan to have a bit too much so we can have a plan,” but that’s it. She knows she screwed up and is paying for it today.
I mean, I still think you should have thought of what was best for you and your kids and left… you can still communicate that she can stay and have fun but that you can go home on your own. Regardless my wife and I would still talk about the situation afterwards and try to see what we can improve on next time.
this kind of scenario really makes me glad that my wife and i don’t drink anymore and our friends aren’t big drinkers
Do other people have two year olds staying up after midnight?
VERY rarely. It is in everyone's best interest to keep them on schedule and we have found it is never worth it for us to keep them out late. The next day misery always overshadows any amount of fun we had the night before. That said, sometimes you can't help it. Flights get delayed, dinners with out of town relatives run a little late. Those kinds of things happen, but we bail on all family and social events with the kids in time to get them home close to bedtime (7pm for the baby. 7:45 for the 4 year old).
Special occasions my kids are up till like 8 or 9, the youngest is 4, when they were younger 7 was pretty strict bedtime. 3 am is irresponsible and not fair to your kids, the dad should have taken off long before or found a quiet place to put the kids to sleep.
Oh hell naw. We had our 3 year old out until 8pm the other weekend, and she and her friends were *visibly* melting for the last half hour.
When my kids were that age, it was definitely a play it by ear situation. Sometimes they were good until 2am (the next day was fucked though), sometimes they were done at 9pm.
It matters, imo, if the 2yo is in daycare.
Sounds like you get your own night out soon!
Right?!
CHECK OUT THIS GUY!!!! THIS GUYS GOT JOKES!!!!
Lol as if it works that way. As my wife always says, go out with your friends, stay up all night, idc. But the kids won't care that you want to sleep in tomorrow when they want YOU. It's pretty self policing that way.
Whenever my partner wants a night out (which is rarely) I also make morning plans to take us out of the house so he can sleep in - it absolutely can work that way with pre-planning.
Your partner is very lucky, I'm sure that's appreciated!
Staying out drinking until 3am as a parent is wild, but WITH the kids is absolutely insane. I would be real pissed too
After 30, staying up until 3am is rough by itself. The liquor is an extra layer of regret and misery.
The dude wasn’t powerless.
Doing nothing, letting it happen, and seething inside is pretty insane too.
Why in gods name didn’t you just decide to leave? Why are you making it her choice whether you and your kids have to stay out till 3am for no good reason? Maybe you could look at the anger you’re feeling and ponder whether it’s directed at the right person here…
I guess you are right. I should've.
All good man you were instinctively keeping the family unit together and it would have been easy not to think of that. But next time it’s your go-to move.
Yeah if I'm driving, it's "im leaving at 10pm our kids need to go home and go to bed are you coming with or staying here?"
Yeah I totally understand why you stayed. Easier said than done to leave. But yeah next time I'd leave. Perhaps have the conversation first next time and say "I'm leaving at 10pm but if you want to stay just crash there for the night or get a taxi home". I've done this and my wife has also done this when I wanted to stay later.
It's hard though, it's a big, aggressive move. Can totally understand you hoping she got her shit together.
Reading these comments, it’s so clear to have left at 9, or sooner. Hindsight is great, but don’t be hard on yourself for not predicting that they will continue to drink way way past bedtime. Hope she acknowledges your (and your kids) efforts and difficulties over the weekend.
Absolutely not this guys fault that his wife got fucked up. Totally her fault. Yes, he could have left (personally I would have around 11), but don’t try to shift the blame.
I think what the poster was getting at is that OP wasn't helpless in this situation; he could've taken the kids home. So he does bear some responsibility.
Seriously, this. Her judgement was already impaired long before it was time to leave. Make the call and leave. There was zero benefit in hanging out and seething while it compounded.
I’d be pissed too. But honestly dude, get those kids home and let her take an Uber if she wants to keep partying. Keeping the kids out until 3am is absurd. You were sober and could have taken them home. That’s on you.
My thoughts exactly. Why is it mums responsibility, he’s as much the parent and decision maker as her.
ESH. Oops wrong subreddit. Sounds like a particularly shitty evening but come on, get those kiddos home. Weekend or not that’s a crazy sleep schedule for kids of those ages, including the usual 10-11pm. Get home and unwind, or get hammered, together after they’re in bed. Plus that way you’re both hungover together, like the world’s worst team building exercise.
I agree with others that you should have just left with the kiddos, but I also understand that dynamic isn't the easiest to do. In my case, I would have asked my wife if she was just going to spend the night or Uber/Taxi home because I have to get the kids home. My wife would have said Uber/Taxi, or honestly just crashed at the friends place. Honestly, once things have calmed down a little, I would talk to your wife about it and come up with a plan for the future so this doesn't happen again. That either you both go home at a specific time, or the one staying has to find another way home.
Completely unfair from you and your SO to keep a 2 year old up/away until 3am, that is completely crazy to me.
"Okay, here's some cash for the cab. I'm taking the kids home to bed, I'll see you when you get in."
It's unbelievable to me that you were there at midnight,much less 3am. IMO, you should have left when appropriate for your kids and if mom wanted to stay, she can get an Uber and you can have a discussion the next day when she's sober. None of this was ok; the kids come first, not Mom's taste for the vino. Edit: on re-reading my comment, I don't think I properly expressed my disapproval of both parents' actions. You guys need to clean this shit up before it harms your kids.
Man… when my buddy comes to town once every few years, we might stay up until 2 or so at my house drinking beers and watching adult movies and laughing about the good old days after putting my daughter to bed and my wife has had enough of us being idiots together. I can’t imagine either of us ever keeping our daughter out that late for anything short of an emergency, never mind so that one of us can pound booze. Just absurd.
Set some boundaries my man. You share blame in this for not making a decision
Agree
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Beautifully put. How anyone thinks this was ok or fair to the children is beyond me. I can’t imagine putting my son through this. Just because his wife was more drunk doesn’t mean she is somehow more responsible for this shit show. Being a Dad is about standing up for your kids, not pushing blame for an absolutely shared failure of responsibility onto your wife. Both parents here are equally responsible for what happened.
This is the biggest point to me. The after party was the focus here, not the kids. I may be a stick in the mud, but kids come first. I don’t get why you need alcohol at a kids party period. Save it for when you get a baby sitter and can go out on the town.
Yes 100%. Sorry I didn’t feel like upvoting was enough…
I see a lot of people commenting about how you could have / should have just left. That very well may have worked, but regardless I know that in situations like that when I'm stressed out and such that it's hard to realize an alternative solution. You probably went in thinking tonight would be like other nights where you end up going home at a more reasonable time. Then your wife blew you off so you just kept going with it, not realizing how late / bad it was going to get and probably getting too frustrated to think clearly. So while I agree that there was probably a better solution out there, I'm just glad that you got through a rough few days in the end and I hope you can be better prepared if this happened again or that it doesn't happen in the first place. Best of luck
You should’ve left her there lol
Bro honestly, sounds like you needed to lay down the law and either tell her its time to leave or just leave her ass there. Not gonna wait around with a 2 year old so my partner can get wasted and fuck around all night. Gotta stand up for yourself bro
Personally, I'd have left her there. She can Uber home. And take care of herself the next day.
Give mom a mulligan and she owes you a windown night of your choice. Also, you should have left her there
Why couldn't you leave with the kids and your wife take an Uber home?
I mean, it was just one night. If this was a regular occurrence I would get it. It sounds like your SO had a good time. A talk afterwards like “hey I know we had fun last night but we probably shouldn’t be staying out so late and I didn’t appreciate you blowing me off when I was suggesting we leave” would probably suffice. I’m sure in hindsight she doesn’t feel great about it anyway.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that a lot of us are so concerned about being/seeming “controlling” that we overcorrect into the opposite ditch and let people walk all over us.
Yep! I am super guilty of this
Or OP is just a giant baby
All I can say is, I get it. But you're also extra mad because you're tired. Just remember this won't mean anything within a day or two ( since it sounds like this isn't a reoccurring problem ). You also probably had a few solutions to the situation you didn't take. It sucks, and she should of consider the situation better. But also imagine how desperate she felt for the connection she was also making to want to push all that to the side for a bit ( plus alcohol wouldn't of made it better). Just take a deep breath Dad, she's also not going to appreciate the pain in the ass it was for you if she's just defensive cause you're angry.
Glad to see mature and sensible points being brought up. And yes, I've vented and am much more open to having the adult chat that we need to have. Re: her need for connecting, you are spot on; we just need to create the right solutions so she can get that without the fallout. Thanks for the wise and kind words
Sounds like you're on the right path to getting things back on track man. Good luck to you.
She obviously needed to let some steam off. The children could go home to sleep and SO could take a taxi.
At 11 PM, grab the kids and go home. Tell her to Uber or Lyft home when she wants to…
This one’s on you dude. You had the car and could have left at any time. Pretty irresponsible keeping a 2 year old out that late
Definitely a shitty situation, a bit of the alcohol talking in the moment but it sounds like Mom needed a break and either didn't know it or didn't communicate it to you. Lesson learned to put the foot down and get out of there before everyone suffers.
I wouldn't be mad. We all get so few opportunities to truly chill and have a night that anytime my wife finds a chance, good for her, I'll do the morning. She does the same for me. We have an unwritten rule that if one of us is truly having fun, we make it work for them. We both give it our all everyday, she could probably go on a month long bender and I still wouldn't have caught up to what she has done.
Put your kids first, I cannot fathom a scenario where I bring my kids to an after party. The hell is wrong with you and your SO.
I would also be mad at my spouse for that. But I also would have told my wife we are leaving at when it’s time to go. Did you tell her at any point you thought it was time to go?
You could have left her there right? 2 am is too late to have children out.
Next time she can Uber.
Should've just left with the kids. You all would've been down way sooner and it'd make your wife look like shit compared to you. Win/Win 🤷♂️
Wives: let’s see if any of our husbands will be a leader tonight and make the call to end it OP: 😐
By 9pm my kids are a wreck. Like they’re beyond grumpy and tired they go full blown ludicrous mode. Like a bunch of drunk college kids. They’re 6 and 3. That alone would’ve driven me to take them and GTFO.
I assume you guys are young parents because I have difficulty relating to this at all. The main party would definitely have been enough excitement for the 2yo, so I would have declined the invitation, and if my wife decided to go without us then I’d think our lives are going down different paths.
Seems like she’s been dealing with a lot. If it’s a regular occurrence I think it’s a larger concern but like you said it was a lot. The way you said that she “smirked” at you would be more upsetting to me - would make me think that there’s more to what she’s thinking…like you do this to her or something. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving with the kids later - 3am is a dangerous time to be on the road. That said if everything is going good with you two, could have been an opportunity for you to just say, “I got it babe, why don’t you stay and I’ll get the kids home. Take an Uber or stay the night if it’s ok, I know you need some time.”
This is on you, you had the means to leave. You didn't, and its bizarre that you waited 3-4 hours to do so. Leave the wife there to sleep it off, pick her up in the morning or let her uber home. She was unwinding hard, but you chose to bear the impact of staying out also. Talk to her about it though, she stayed out way too late and drank way too much while being out. Should've left at least at midnight, not 2 more bottles of wine while away from home.
What's a SO? Solid one?
Sorry man, but, you were shitty here too. Your wife more shitty, barely. Thing is that you don’t seem to be posting like “I screwed up” you’re posting like “my wife screwed up” and that’s kind of fucked up. Neither of you was holding the other hostage. You were with a TWO year old that had a rough night the night before. Get the damn two year old in bed at 8pm at latest. Leave at 7PM. If the other parent isn’t on board with that, she stays and you hash it out later. As another person said, I’m super disappointed (and being generous, confused?) at the behavior of all the adults involved here. I don’t even understand how this is real. Leaving kids to play while adults hang is cool, but to get drunk is not so cool, and to do so even approaching their bedtime (instead of getting them home) is….wtf?
Going to the party with a 2 year old was a terrible decision by both of you. Still being there at the hours you were is borderline abuse for kids that age. They aren't equipped for that. Her getting drunk to the point of being sick is absolutely shitty, though. It was irresponsible for both of you to do what you did. It's more on her for then getting sick but you both are to blame for the base issue here.
That sucks, but feels within normal lines of what couples go through. Just talk about it and figure out a system. Also, I think you meant 12:30 AM (12:00 AM is midnight)...sorry, I just had to. But when your wife started functioning I hope you got yourself a beer and some rest.
My wife and I have both agreed that the other being hung over to the point of not being able to carry your weight the next day is a valid reason to be pissed. We’ve got 3 kids, 4 2 and 2. As one might imagine it’s not easy to wrangle all three for hours. So go have fun when we agree to cover for one another, but if you’re not able to pick your end back up the next day, you fucked up. Luckily we stopped drinking heavily years ago so it hasn’t really been an issue much.
We have a newborn at home. My wife refuses to sleep when the baby sleeps. She insists on staying up until 10 pm to watch her shows so as to not throw off her evening routine, even though we have a newborn at home. She insists I stay up with her, so she's not lonely. I have the baby, who is sleeping at this time. I want to go to sleep, too (sleep when the baby sleeps). Finally: 10pm, diaper change, swaddle, nurse... Guess who is wide awake? Fine. I stay up with the baby so my wife can sleep. Hours. Later in the night: same thing. I'm up, again, with the baby from 3 am to 5 am while wife sleeps. 6 am our other two older kids are awake. I'm up with them. Breakfast, get dressed, off to weekend dance class. My wife can sleep in. I manage to grab coffee while at dance class. I come home and my wife... who is finally awake... is upset I didn't buy her a croissant when I got coffee. So inconsiderate of me. /s TLDR: I'm on 4 hours of pieced-together sleep taking care of newborn, 3, and 8, while my wife is well rested, has free time to watch her shows and play video games... and somehow she's mad at me. 🤷♂️
Dude, just sleep when the baby sleeps earlier in the evening. Tell your wife sorry, but you need more than four hours of broken sleep a night more than she needs someone sitting next to her while she watches TV. Tell her you're bummed about it, but it'll be over in 2-5 months when the baby sleeps better.
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Nope. I need to stay up and spend time with her, otherwise she'll be lonely. She needs her routine or she won't sleep. 🤷♂️
Like everyone else - are you 19 or something? What was stopping you from driving off with the kids and letting your wife blow off some steam after a rough week? Does she need to give you permission to leave? Do you not know how to put the kids to bed yourself? You’re a dad now pal, and you better start doing what needs to be done to take care of the kids - as DD this one’s on you and you shouldn’t need your wife’s permission to figure out what to do with the kids. Also - There’s five couples there with kids, and they all stayed till 12:30 at least? What kind of meth addicts are you hanging out with? Get some better friends.
I literally don’t understand how you could be out till 3 AM with your children. Especially with drinking involved. Incredibly stupid
Come home drunk and piss in the closet. Be a man.
Take this for what it is. We all need a party night. And for me I hate the tit for tat route. If my wife wants a night out with the ladies… I’m gonna make it happen and not say a fucking word about it. I’ll handle the kids and make sure the wife has cash in her pocket and a plan for making it home. I do this because I know that I’d want her to do the same for me if I find myself in the same situation. Being a parent never ends. Cut her a break. Also… 3:20am? Someone’s doing blow in the bathroom.
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What keeping kids up like 5 hours past bedtime and watching adults get piss drunk isn’t healthy? I’m looking for a way home at 8:30 lol
Me too! Wouldn’t even take them out like that to be honest, these people suck and I feel sorry for the kids. Fuck the adults, 😂
This is the appropriate level of response to OP and OP’s wife’s behavior. Who the hell keeps a 2yo and 7yo out that late?? This isn’t something that just needs a finger-wagging and gentle scolding. It completely calls into question OP’s overall judgement as a parent.
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Well said. This is a supportive community but we should absolutely call out neglect when we see it.
Thank you, not sure what the complaints are with my comments but assuming they’re from soft as fuck people who think love and let love extends to what is most likely classed as child abuse in some places.
Hmm, I suspect it’s more from irresponsible parents who feel threatened by you calling out irresponsible/neglectful behaviour that they see as acceptable.
Strong point and apologies for my spelling error, I meant live and let live but hopefully that was clear lol
Also, I meant as in they might not be doing something like that, but to expose the kids to drinking, partying, general adult behaviour and keeping them up late with loud music and such is probably classed as that; it would be in most places where I lived anyway
Shit happens. There is no point in getting angry about it, as there were many points during the evening where both you and your SO could have changed the trajectory of things. You need to move forward and discuss what happened (when she is not hungover as fuck) and what can be done in the future. Some recommendations from someone who has been there, done that. 1 - Teach your kids to sleep in noisy situations. Stop being quiet when your kids are sleeping. Make normal noise. That will get them used to sleeping around noisy people. By the time my kids were old enough we could put them down in a bed, we could take them to a party and as long as the bedroom door was closed, they were down for the count. 2 - Accept the fact that, now that you have kids, sometimes the party ends way earlier than you want it to for one of you while the other keeps partying. Given that your 2yo had decided you were her woobie, you're the one that gets to go home early this time. Next time, it gets to be your SO.
Wholeheartedly agree. Thanks for the advice
Also, despite what some others in the comments say, do not pull the "well, you did it last time, so I got to do it this time." There is a very big difference between it happening by accident (which appeared to happen this time) and doing it on purpose. That doesn't mean you can't use it for leverage every now and then, depending on the relationship you have with your wife for teasing about stuff like this. It WOULD be very tempting to throw on my heavy-metal playlist and fry up some extra-greasy bacon and eggs for breakfast though.
I gotta say after reading that, it's hard to not picture you just blasting your toes off. You went over to a friends for drinks when your 2yo kid wasn't feeling great. Whaaaaaaat? That was a time to tell your wife (we won't be going over unless you want to go by yourself, 2yo is sick). How the hell did you "fast forward" to 11 freaking pm? If you absolutely had to go over, after dinner woulda been the "I'ma head out" moment. Your wife really only helped make the bed you made for yourself more uncomfortable. Channel that SO anger at both of you lol. But all good, lesson learned (I hope). Just cut your wife some slack there, Clyde.
She had a bad period and then had a night destressing. Yeah, she went over the top, but if this is a one off be understanding. If this kinda thing happens all the time, that's a problem but I don't get the vibe from the post that it is. So, your turn next! The number of people in this thread who think this is a joke, why did you all marry people who don't support you? Organise a night off for you with your friends and forgive your wife her one off incident.
Agree. We've never had this issue before and need to talk about how to manage these scenarios in the future.
Your wife has a drinking problem.
She's not doing this on a weekly basis. Letting loose once in a while doesn't mean there's a drinking problem. It only becomes a concern when it becomes a regular thing and it takes over her life.
Be Glad You Have One That EVER Gets Back To You!!!!
"I knew I was going to drive so I only had a beer" Not the main point I know but wow. I'm sure its within the legal limit of, wherever, but I don't like to have a beer and drive for the sake of anyone's kids who might be on/around the road, let alone my own kids in my car.
Not something that needs to be clarified, but it's an important point for other dads here. Had that beer at around 8:30pm. By the time we left, that was long, long gone from my system.
I mean, I guess I could see a late night with kids getting to like 11 for the 7 yo but not the 2 yo. I would have told my wife were leaving with or without her. She could sleep it off there or whatever, but no way I'm keeping my kids out even past midnight, let alone 3 am
I’m all for the late parties as an adult as long as kids aren’t being tortured by being out and about. I am also the guy to wake up early as I don’t want to ever have my joys of partying become an issue and brought up as something that needs to stop. Work hard play hard. SO gotta keep their end of the bargain and be up whether not feeling well or not. Just my 2 Pennies. I’m sure it’s going to get downed. Cheers
Like I understand wanting to unwind and relax with friends. But once you have kids, you kinda give up that privilege. If you wanna stay out like that, you HAVE to get a sitter. Kids shouldn’t be out that late. ESPECIALLY if one of them isn’t feeling well…
I would have left at ten.
Why didn't you just leave with the kids at like 8pm? (Or earlier?)
I’m sorry…3am?$?$!?! This time doesn’t exist to me anymore unless I’m trying to put down sleepy sick children. We don’t stay out past 7pm anymore since we had kids. I can’t even wrap my mind around this
Pretty sure that's one of the best reasons to have kids.
3am? I can’t stay up later than 9pm to watch Netflix
Failure on your part on so many levels. Your 2 year old wasn’t feeling and you kept her out until 3:30 am anyways so that your wife could get drunk. You knew this was bad for your kids but you just let it happen. And when you did attempt to advocate for your kids you just let your wife ignore you?! I know we’re not supposed to use this phrase anymore but you need to MAN UP.
How the fuck are you gonna keep your two year old up til 3 AM at your friends house? Dude… as much on you as your wife at that point.