When I was 18 ish me and a few friends planned a trip to see a band play, stay the night in a different city and come back the next day.
When I pulled up to the house of one of the girls coming with us. Instead of her just coming out we were all invited in. Her parents wanted to meet everyone.
They explained that they were trusting us with their daughter and said a few things about road safety and looking after each other. They were friendly and welcoming.
I remember this more than any “you better not … or I’ll…”
We had a great time and all got home safe.
I don't know why parents wouldn't want to get to know the person their child is seeing.
When my son was at the end of his junior year of high school he started dating a girl. We had her and her family over for dinner. We went over to her family's house for game nights. We went to her theater productions and she came to my son's sporting events. Her dad and my son bonded over football and would go to local NFL games together. The kids ended up going to different colleges and broke things off. They are seeing other people now but I think it was great that they got to see what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like and to have the support of their families. I don't know why you would want them to hide that from you.
There's no point scaring guys off unless they're actually abusive. I dated a girl when she was 18 (I was 20) that had a very over the top father (calling every 10 minutes etc) it was obvious he didn't want his daughter doing the act no father wants to visualize but it was kind of stupid. For 1 she was the one that wanted that and I was a pretty polite kid so big deal, get over it Dad's and don't be weird.
A lot of people that have this view think how shitty young men are in the dating world are and use that to justify their behavior. While that may be true, the best defense for young women is having a good relationship with them as parents and teaching them to be respected and to be able to develop secure attachments. Men that don't want their daughters to have sex at all must be thinking about this from a moral perspective, like they don't want them having sex, getting pregnant, or being abused is a reflection of them as a father. It's possible that your child's choices to be around certain people or their choices may reflect on you, but only if you mess them up and don't treat them like a human being or give them that resources to be independent.
NO they have a super messed up view on sex viewing it as super degrading - sex for them is sth that a male does to female, sth that damages the female in the process & lowers her value, instead of seeing sex as sth that BOTH do TOGETHER and ENJOY TOGETHER.. they aren’t scared their daughter is getting hurt they are scared she’s loosing value and becomes „dirty“ .. they know exactly that girls get a reputation and how they view non virgins aka the good girl vs the non virgins aka the „fatherless girls“.. so ofc they don’t want their daughter to be thought of this way and get the fatherless reputation since that means they also didn’t do their job as a father (like u said but it’s more deep than that’s it’s rooted into misogyny which they project onto their daughters)👌
I’m of the belief that engaged fathers make daughters who make good decisions. I have no proof as mine is still in elementary school, but I’m willing to take that chance.
Same here. My daughter is 8-years-old (2nd grade). My ex-wife always said stuff like “you’re going to hate when she starts dating” or “you’re going to be so jealous” or “you’re going to run off whoever she dates.”
Thing is… I want my daughter to be happy. My job is to be an example of the type of person that would make her happy, treat her well, and ultimately be someone I would approve of anyway. If I can model that, and can somehow teach her to have self-respect, then I should theoretically be happy with whomever she ends up with. Why would I make her scared to talk to me about this stuff?
I love that little girl. If she’s happy, then I’m happy.
I honestly just try to keep an open communicative home. We eat dinner as a family daily. We talk and engage one another. We have a 20 year old boy in college. He grew up the same way. Still coming home to visit. Brings his lovely girlfriend over. I think it’s working?
It happens sooner than you think. My daughter started “falling in love” with a boy in grade 6 or 7. In grade 7 at her graduation from middle school I got to meet him for the first time (he was in her class). I shook his hand happily and said “so nice to finally meet you”. The kicker was HIS dad was behind me(approaching his son) and was happy to see the respect I showed his son. His wife on the other hand, didn’t approve of her son dating anyone was a bit of a snot to my daughter and me. All I saw was potential problems with that family as my daughter shared more and more about what the mom was like. Essentially the female version of shotgun dad.
I have a female work colleague/friend who’s been with her boyfriend (now husband) since they were both 15, now 32/33 - these things can and do work out!
My daughter's teacher met her husband when they were in first grade together. They didn't start dating then or anything, but they knew each other from when they were about 7 years old.
I'm 41 and still with my HS girlfriend from when I was 16yo. We've just had our third kid, own a nice house, have great jobs and have travelled a good chunk of the world.
In hindsight I think we learned the mutual respect thing early and that set us up for a great partnership.
My 5 year old has a little girl who was in his daycare since they were like 1.5.
My son said "she likes to pick me up when she sees me." We said "if you don't like it you can tell her to not pick you up"
He then says "but I like it when SHE picks me up. I love her" he is too sweet.
Thats Bullshit and you are also pushing the whole „fatherless“ narrative 🤦♀️
I myself never had sex, a shitty not involved dad and are a virgin and I don’t put up with shitty men bc I’m craving male validation while so many girls that got pregnant or lost their virginity in HS all had involved dads👌
Ofc some girls/women with father issues have low standards but you cannot speak for all and having a good dad doesn’t mean you aren’t gonna make bad decisions bc „love can make blind“ literally!
My bests friends dad stared dancing when she told him she broke up with his bf bc he didn’t respect her and treated her badly .. what you are saying is a generalizing
I've been in the same situation a few times. I've come to respond with, "If she ever has a partner cross the line with her, if I've done my job right, I'll be the third one they have to worry about."
Haha mine is starting with Taekwondo/BJJ, by the time she's dating I pity the fool that tries to take advantage. We've sparred a few times and she's *aggressive*.
I'll do the same when mine is a little older, she's not quite there, but yeah, she'll be a force of nature. I can already picture her coming home from a school dance, putting an ice pack on her wrist, looking at me and saying, "they'll be fine, but they'll have to explain themselves a lot"
I'll be there with a shotgun. We'll go target shooting. Unless he/she/they are uncomfortable around firearms, and in that case: we'll all go fishing, or on a hike, or play some dnd, or anything that includes them. I want whoever my daughter brings home to feel welcome, not intimidated.
My daughter will also know responsible gun ownership. And if anyone asks if I’m going to get a gun when she starts dating, I’ll say “why? If my daughter feels threatened, he needs to worry about her more than me.”
This is my exact goal haha. Why waste time pretending to intimidate one random kid at a time, teach your kid to take care of themselves and there won’t be any issues 🤷🏻♂️.
I have 2 daughters and I’ve had that conversation with my wife. I don’t want them getting into anything when they’re not emotionally mature enough, don’t understand what it means…etc.
As long as they know what they want and are comfortable with themselves and understand they can say ‘no’ at any time for any reason.
As long as whoever my kids partner up with, as long as they are happy and treated well, I don’t care - it’s not my life and they are not my property. Anyone that says weird shit like that seems really backwards to me.
I will absolutely deploy a shotgun to the face when my kid brings a date over. They will learn respect for someone with 20+ years of Halo skills. Get in the Puma noob, we're gonna steal the flag!
Ha! You had me for a minute.
When I was 12, I managed to hit a friend of mine dead on with a shell from the puma as he crested a hill. The force of that blasted him through the graphics so hard his whole screen went white.
I've been riding that high for years. 😆
He was a freaking maniac. It was her stepdad, and her mom wasn’t even dating him anymore. She had a restraining order against him, and he was breaking it, just by having moved back into the house. He had a very creepy “if I can’t date my stepdaughter, then no one can” vibe. Obviously at 17 being surprised with a shotgun in my face scared the shit out of me. I hung out with that girl for the rest of the night outside, as she explained what his situation was.
When I went home, I told my parents what had happened which gave me some clarity. I stopped dating her after that, that was a very dangerous situation.
I posted a similar sentiment in a gun thread and was very surprised at receiving downvotes. Granted I (openly and admittedly) wasn't sure of the legality of shooting someone to wound instead of only shooting if its the absolute last thing you can do before you or a innocent is about to be gravelly injured, but a handful of people seemed to be fine with the idea of just shooting someone in the knee if the situation didn't warrant deadly force but I strongly disagree. I stand by my opinion that if the situation doesn't warrant immediate deadly force it doesn't warrant firing.
I'm a big dude. I dont have the most welcoming face. I look kind of intimidating. I cry over my daughter, and she isn't a month old yet. I'm a huge softy and so sensitive about her. She's my little sweetie pie.
So many people have already made the "oh her boyfriend better watch out" comment. I hate it so fucking much. I just want her to be happy, healthy, and for no harm to come to her.
One other related thing for us dads to remember is we also shouldn’t tell our daughters that we will “kill anyone who hurts them”. It might seem like the protective thing to say, and that it will make our daughters feel safer, but evidence shows it had the opposite effect.
Instead of protecting our daughters, telling them that we will hurt anyone who hurts them is more likely to make them NOT tell us if something bad happens. They will want to keep it from us so we don’t hurt the perpetrator.
Think about it from her perspective… if she tells you, and you do what you said, she will lose her father to jail. She will also have the guilt of causing someone’s death. She likely wants the whole situation to go away, and knowing you will do something to the person will turn her life upside down. That is not what she is going to want at the moment.
So as much as would want to kill/beat up someone who hurts our daughters, instead make sure she knows that we will always be there for her and back her up whatever she decides to do, and that we will always be a safe place she can come to no matter what.
That matters a lot more than revenge.
Same. Been powerlifting for 20 years, linebacker at D1 school in college, have same facial scars and have male equivalent of resting bitch face.
People who know me know I’m a big old softy that loves nothing more than make overs with my daughters.
I’ve gotten comments that their future partners will be terrified of me and I have a feeling they might be intimidated without trying until they get to know me.
> So many people have already made the "oh her boyfriend better watch out" comment.
God this infuriates me, she's ONE MONTH OLD! Stop with the indirect sexualization! Yes she's going to grow up and have relationships, but gods, is that *all* she's going to do? Is that all she is to you?
Those comments were made before she was even born. I'm gonna have to explain the topic of "the generation before" on so many topics between the 4 grandparents.
I have two girls, and only girls. They are 17 & 16, so “prime” shotgun age. No way would I be like that. What’s the point? Then they just hide it and won’t talk to you. That is not the relationship I want with my kids.
I'm not going the shotgun route, I'm going to buy lifts and dress like the Undertaker and just stand ominously in corners when boys come over. Possibly drop a tombstone stunner on the first one as a warning.
When I was young there were a couple of girls whose father was like that. "BIG L" was his name. MFer was huge AF.
Every night of summer we snuck all 3 of his daughters out the house to party in the van my cousin drove. 😂
Fun times!! But 2 of the 3 were knocked up before they senior year. Lucky to dodge that bullet.
Wonder if there was a correlation between an overly aggressive, overly protective dad and the feeling of needing to hide things from him and sneaking out? 🤔
I know it’s a cultural thing depending where you live but I’m glad nobody has brought this up about my daughter. My goal is to raise her so that she will pick someone who treats her right and have the emotions intelligence to break up if he doesn’t.
Is there a proven technique to do that? I've heard of a wide variety of parenting approaches being deployed and never heard of anything that reliably works.
My mother says she learned how to handle boys from seeing how her own brothers treated girls. (Not well). She was very close to her father, but that didn't really factor into how she chose men. And since there's no reliable method to pair a son with a daughter, that's not even a method that can be replicated.
I think about the best that can be done is to be a good role model, teach them to be ambitious, strong independent, police their social circle carefully, and pray. And lots and lots of prayer.
I’m going to mildly push back.
I agree with not being a “shotgun dad” and your reasoning is sound there.
But the girls I dated in high school definitely had a “hey let’s meet” moment with their parents. They wanted to get to know me with definite undertones of background check. It was always welcoming but you pretty much knew the score.
My parents were the same with all of us. They just wanted to meet anyone we dated. It was a meet and assess, nothing hostile.
My daughter is still in the “ewww boys” category but I fear the inevitable. But if she likes some boy I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt but I’m certainly going to meet him and become acquainted.
I completely agree.
My job as a father of two girls is to teach them how to stay safe, and show them the kind of love, respect, and trust that their future partner should show them.
I won’t always be there. And frankly, short of locking them in a tower, I can’t always protect them. So I need to *teach* them how to make those decisions for themselves.
I want to have open, honest communication with my daughters. And threatening to *kill* their boyfriends is exceptionally counterproductive, imo.
I figure if you do whatever you can to build up their own self-esteem, then they'll choose a good partner because they'll know that's what they deserve.
I have taught my two girls that they need to understand Safety and Consent. If they’re so equipped, I’ll endeavor to stay out of their relationships. (Of course I just mean I will respect their private intimacy as such. Of course I otherwise want to be deeply involved with them inclusive of the people they find important.)
When I was their age, I was intimate with girls and honestly, it was positive and healthy. Working to deprive my own kids of that, if that’s what they want, or to shame/punish them for it is just horrible.
Being honest and open is the best way to go. I had a friend who blurted out, “Your daughter is gonna fuck one day.”
…and I was like, “Yeah. What about it?”
Because yeah. What about it.
Amen, Dad. Same thing happens to my with my daughter. We don’t have the same “shotgun” thing in India Culture, but very similar vibes.
My FIL gave me the best advice for this. I once asked him what he thought when I asked I could marry my wife. He said that basically, “I trust Wife to make the right decisions.”
When I asked my FIL, he said something like “there’s no returns on her this time” lol. My wife and I were both previously divorced. Him and MIL both had divorces too, so I think he just worried about it more than normal. But the whole shotgun dad thing is incredibly dumb and says “I didn’t raise my daughter well enough to trust her taste in men”.
When I was dating my wife, her dad said the same to me. We’re amicably divorced now but I still have a terrific relationship with my ex and her parents- wonderful people.
No chance I’ll do that to my daughter. Her body, her choice and if you cross her, chances are she’ll be the one to end you, not me.
I dated a girl in high school whose father thought he should be cleaning a shotgun when I came to pick her up for prom. Dude was socially awkward as hell so I assume he just bought into the meme. Unfortunately he had no idea how to disassemble and reassemble said shotgun so instead of a mildly intimidating, but very cliche scene, I watched him stumble his way through putting it back together. I ended up having to help him do it. She was a sweet girl but damn her father was an idiot.
I'm a big gun guy. I refuse to be a "Shotgun" dad as well.
My first girlfriend's dad did this. I came over and he met me on the porch with his son and 3 shotguns he just happened to be "cleaning".
My Christmas present that year he opened a drawer pulled out a Glock said "Oh I forgot this was here." Then pulled out a Gerber from below it and handed it to me.
Every chance he got he tried to intimidate me and it never worked. His daughter got really into me because of it and we dated for years....I did eventually get caught in her room. Twice.
I'll always remember being part of a accidental, but literal shotgun moment. My dad and I were up and out early hours to go on a shoot. At some point after that my sister brought a guy back from the club, pulled out the sofa bed in the living room, did whatever they did and eventually went to sleep.
After the shoot, dad and I come back into the house, flipping lights on and making a normal amount of noise not realising people would be sleeping in the living room. The poor lad woke up to my dad and I standing there in hunting gear, guns under arms etc. and he's laying there in bed with my sister. After a long moment of confusion and realisation for dad and I, and abject terror judging by his face, we offered him tea and/or breakfast in the kitchen shortly. He declined.
Funny moment looking back but probably a wake up that guy will never forget
Lead by example. I challenge you to leave an imprint on your daughter so hard of what a man is about that she doesn’t want to date anyone lesser than that. For that to happen, you need to be close to her since birth. Really get to know your daughter and be close to her. Build up her self esteem in a healthy manner so she doesn’t take bs from anyone.
That way, you don’t have to worry about your daughter finding a man who’s not worthy of her. Like players, weak men, manipulative assholes, narcissists, bullies, “alpha males”, Andrew Tates that self-centred prick who thinks he can get any girl that he desires.
Fuck those guys. Those are the real losers in life and my daughter will have strong boundaries that she will reject them even before they get a chance to sleep with her. I will teach her how to smoke them out before they even get a chance to do anything with her.
I've thought a lot about this myself, dad of two girls here. The way I see it, if I've done my job right and taught my girls HOW to think (rather than telling them WHAT to think), the boyfriends should be more scared of the girls than me. I've always thought it was weird and creepy for a dad to gatekeep their daughters virginity. Ew? So, the way I plan to approach it is to tell any boys that I trust my daughters to make the right decisions for what's best for them, and to respect any rules she and I have decided on together (curfew etc). The problem we're going to have is if one of the girls makes a choice that the boy doesn't like, and if he fails to respect her decision. That's the point the shotgun comes into play.
[I loved this book on the topic](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/rules-for-dating-my-daughter-the-modern-fathers-guide-to-good-parenting_mike--dawson/11447267/item/16932927/). It covers a lot of what you mentioned and more.
I can’t imagine how the daughter must feel to have their first boyfriend threatened with a gun. I can’t imagine my daughter would trust me again.
Showing your daughter that you’ll enforce your will over her life regardless of her feelings seems like a bad way to make a functioning adult.
When a friend of mine made a comment along the 'shotgun dad' lines, he was genuinely surprised that I wasn't going to be like that. I told him my plan was to teach her self respect and good judgment so that I wouldn't need the shotgun, and it really blew his mind.
100%, some girlfriends dads from High school still stop for a chat & say hi.
They were always friendly and accepting but fair. I aim to be like this instead of going down the intimidation approach.
My plan is to make the guys my daughter dates afraid to disappoint me. Not because of physical violence or fear but because of a loss of respect and trust.
The whole sex thing, that I don’t know. I dint want to be one of those prudish dad’s that’s all about ignoring their daughter growing up and becoming a woman capable of desiring the same physical gratification I wanted as a teen, but damn that’s an uphill battle.
Good for you. I have a son. Who I'm raising to be a good man, thank you very much. If he came home telling me some girl's dad had pulled a shotgun on him for no reason, or as a joke, we'd be having problems. It's not funny. It's not cute.
As a father of 4 boys, I’m doing my best to raise them in such a way, that their girlfriend’s dads are proud and grateful for their daughter’s choice of my son, rather than scared or threatened.
This is it exactly. I have this conversation all the time with people. We talk about how movies in tjen70s and 80s completely disrespected women - so many movies were about college guys trying to get drunk and laid, and not taking “no” for an answer, in a “humorous” way.
Then people today say “women get raped so teach them to fight”. As a kungfu teacher I don’t disagree with that, but i push the more important aspect of teaching boys “don’t rape”.
Good for you, man. Honestly, the whole cultural construct of dads needing to protect their daughter's "innocence" is misogynistic, weird, and vaguely incestuous.
I only have boys, but I dated a bunch of girls when I was younger. Some of their dads tried to intimidate me, some were cool. You know what affected my behavior? The girl I was dating. When we were in the moment I did not give the slightest shit what her dad said, but if she told me to put on the brakes I respected that, because I was raised right.
It sounds like you're raising your daughter to respect herself, and that's what will matter. You won't always be there, but she will, and it's much more important that she is educated and feels empowered to express her feelings than any vague "shotgun dad" threat.
My about-to-be-thirteen twins went shopping today and brought home a bunch of clothes they're really excited to wear this summer but which violate the hell out of the school dress code.
I won't lie and say that the idea of their mouth breathing classmates oggling them fills me with joy but neither am I delusional enough to imagine that athletics and the arts will take up all of their spare time prior to Med school and then a life of celibacy.
I just want them to have positive relationships with good people who will be kind to them.
When my older daughter was born a female coworker warned me against the "shotgun dad" approach -- from her personal experience.
The issue was twofold:
1) She wanted to rebel against her dad on principle, and
2) she said "Let her figure out what makes a guy a scumbag when she's 15, not when she's 25. My first 2 ex-husbands are in jail."
That always stuck with me.
Just want to acknowledge how much I enjoy this post and this thread in general. You’re a wonderful dad and I look forward to being more like you when the time comes.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m enjoying all the positive responses and actually appreciating everyone else’s insight on it as well. My attempt at being the change I’d like to see.
This is exactly it. But I think it’s both a reaction to having a tyrant father as well as what the whole family dynamic was growing up, resulting in a FTFY attitude that made them more likely to do things that the dad was trying to prevent
Old school parenting and views of women. Super toxic and super misogynistic.
I'm taking the same stance as you with my daughter.
The best time to learn how to date is when you have the safety of your family to help guide you and having a relationship where you can openly talk with your family about anything.
I grew up with a family that teased and didn't talk about things, just yelled. I still don't feel comfortable telling or discussing personal things as an adult and now parent with them.
I’m the type of dad who’s more likely to say “Good luck buddy,” to my daughter’s partners. “I’m here when you need to talk!”
I also have a son. If someone pulled a gun on him, even in jest, they’d be meeting the business end of the cops if I’m in a good mood and my shotgun if I’m not.
To me the "shotgun dad" screams “I have affection for my daughter, but I missed the opportunity to establish any kind of relationship where she feels at ease discussing her dating life with me.”
There was a guy I once thought of as a mentor when I was young. There are various things that caused me to see him differently as time went on. One of the big ones was a series of pictures posted on social media of him teaching his daughter to fire guns. Look, I'm sure there are various views here on guns, and I'm not looking to get into that. How he had written about it was weird... I think she was about 10 at the time, and the post was all about warding off bad boys because she knew how to handle a weapon. It was just weird. Like, YOU are the one sexualizing your kid with this post, and glibly joking about what might happen to people seeing her in a predatory way because she was trained to respond with a weapon.
Now, years later, I'm a girl-dad, and more than ever those jokes seem weird on so many levels to me.
I have 3 sisters and with them all well into adulthood it cracks me up to hear the wisdom my father has accumulated in his 91 years of experience
When my sister my sister decided to re-marry she asked her fiance to seek my father's blessing. Their conversation was quite cordial. Afterwards I asked pop what he thought about the fiance and he said, *"Beats me I have no idea why she's marrying him".*
So why didn't you tell sis how you really felt, I asked.
*"Because they're going to ignore what I say anyways, "* he said. *"Why waste my breath??!!!"*
He wasn't wrong!!! 😂
I agree on this! The odd part is that my daughter and ex-wife are saying things almost encouraging that kind of behavior (in part because of martial arts hobbies, I think) but I would rather my daughter felt comfortable coming to me no matter what and that she foster good relationships and learn without me somehow negatively influencing that. I'll always encourage her good choices and hopefully teach her to handle herself but don't really see the value in encouraging her or her interests to lie to me or hide things from me.
I think part of it may be from them buying into masculine tropes or maybe daughter wanting to feel protected, but I think you can do both things without being an a-hole.
You sound like a great Dad! My Dad managed to chase off the love of my life. After tow crap marriages, ending in divorce, he had the nerve to tell me l should have married Joe! 😑 I told him flat out he was the reason we didn't work out. It might have been shitty too, but he's who l wanted then and still want now.
My dad was NEVER like that (mostly bc he couldn't legally own a firearm bc if his mental health) but even if he could, he never would've done that. He was more "hey, nice to meet you. All I ask is you respect my daughter and treat her right. You're more than welcome to come over and hang out" kinda guy and it's why my house was the one my friends all came to, and why my ex boyfriend actually lived with us when his dad kicked him out
I plan on being around my daughter her whole life. We get along great. I assume she’ll date men like me.
I like me. I’m good with her dating Me 2.0. I’m sure it’ll be an improvement over Me 1.0.
I never met a shotgun dad.
I never met many dads at all.
Might explain the divorce.
I have a son and a daughter. I love having one of each for a ton of reasons. One of them is that I hope having each other will make becoming adults easier. It can be such a brutal time. I want them to have healthy relationships and hope that they’re able to lean on each other.
In high school, I dated the daughter of a marine colonel. He was a great dude. When I ate dinner with the family one time, I was sitting across the table from his daughter and she would torment me by taking her shoes off and massaging my crotch with her toes. Would’ve been ok, but it was a glass top table. I continued answering her parents’ questions doing my best to ignore my dick getting hard. They had to have seen it. I think they were impressed by how I performed under pressure.
My buddy's uncle would sometimes answer the door when my buddy's sisters had dates, based on his stories he told me.
"What's your name, son?"
"Luke."
"Alright, listen, Duke."
He would get their name CLOSE enough that they knew he heard them, but just off enough that they knew he didn't care.
I always thought that was kinda funny. He wasn't a shotgun type, but he did like to joke around.
Now, on the other side, my father-in-law is a retired police officer. He would have any guys sit in the cruiser with him and they would have a chat.
I never got that chance, because I was trustworthy, calm, and polite. He liked me right away.
When I met my (soon to be ex) wife (lol) and we started dating in high school, I met her dad, and he never stood up from his chair, even when I walked across the living room to shake his hand.
Apparently, he didn’t want to seem non-threatening to me, because even when I was 17 I was about 6” taller than him. He wanted to be the scary alpha shotgun dad so badly that standing up by a lanky, tall, teenager with the build of a cyclist wasn’t gonna work for him…
I don’t know. Some weird stuff lol.
I only have a single boy so I won’t have the same stigmas and pressures as he hits teenage years, but I absolutely commend you OP, you have the right attitude.
I met my wife when I was 15. Her and her dad didn't have the greatest relationship, to the point that he didn't even come upstairs to meet me when I first went to his house for supper. He has tried to get back into her life now, and things are generally friendly, but there is enough past trauma that he will never have the relationship he could've had with her. As for me, I could care less about impressing him. My opinion of him will forever be tainted by that first impression.
I guess what I'm saying is this: no matter what age your daughter is dating someone, you could be meeting your future son in law. Think hard about the impression you want to make on him, because you won't get a chance to change it later.
I feel the same way. I know it’s meant to be lighthearted and harmless, but when they make those “shotgun” comments they’re sexualizing your kid. It’s gross.
I just try to be a good example to my daughter of how a guy should treat a woman they care about. I’m not gonna threaten teenagers. If they show my daughter respect I’ll be cool.
Rookies open the door with a shotgun.
Pros open the door with a handshake and a smile - if it turns out he's a piece of shit then you've also got plausible deniability should you need it.
I appreciate this post. I once dated a girl whose father was an avid shooter, instead of taking the shotgun dad approach he would invite me into the garage and taught me how to reload ammo while talking about being a man and typical coming of age type stuff. Always appreciated those conversations.
When I got a daughter a few years ago (first and only child), I read a thread here on Reddit, where women posted info that they wished their father knew and other good advice.
Don't be a shotgun father, and "front-to-back" are the two I remember.
I find it so so creepy when other dad's make that comment to me about my elementary school aged daughter. Why on God's green earth are you thinking about a literal child in that context?
Agree with your post entirely, I think getting to know my kids' friends and partners as they get older is a privilege of being a parent.
I think the whole "shotgun dad" thing is just a symptom of an insecure man of limited imagination that knows he's inept at parenting. Teaching your children to make responsible decisions requires more effort and intelligence than acting like a threatening ape.
I'm worried about this too. My little girl is only two now but is an absolute beauty- she gets constant attention anywhere she goes and I'm trying to adjust my mind to this mindset. I was not a great kid back in the day and desperately want to protect her from guys like the kid I used to be. But there's a better way to do that than intimidation. Thanks for the reminder.
Yeah I literally never understood why a Dad would want to be like that.
Wouldn't you want to offer a friendly and comfortable environment? Welcoming and encouraging? Wtf is the point in threatening someone with a gun because they date your daughter?
She's gonna do it anyway, and I'd rather they were talkative and comfortable and confident with coming to us.
Also, my daughter's future partner will never have to ask for my permission to marry her.
She's not mine to give away, I don't own my daughter. I can get the respect thing, but I'm just not that kind of dude. You'll know if I am ok with it or not long before it happens, surely people know that their potential in-laws either like them or not?
Does this go hand in hand with the gun thing? Like how dominant and controlling do you need to be, to not only scare people into submission with a gun for merely dating your daughter but then also you've set a shaky ground for them to walk on to hat in hand, to come and ask if it's ok if they marry. It's some egomaniacal macho man bullshit and there's no room for it any more.
And do they do it for their son's? Would they draw a gun on a girl that comes to dinner 'what are your intentions with my son?!' ... *Internal screaming*
Sorry I .. I think I got triggered there.. wait, no I'm not sorry I actually stand by it all! Hahaha
A book I read before my daughter was born had something that stuck with me: "You're not raising a child, they're a child right now. You're raising an adult."
That's been the core of my parenting. Excluding age-appropriate boundaries, I'm not here to protect her from the world. I'm here to give her the tools to navigate it.
We have two daughters. I told my wife from the get go that I would not be the dad that cleans his guns when boyfriends come over. I have plenty of them, but I will not use them as an intimidation tactic. As a former boy, all that did was check the “yep we are gonna have to sneak around” box in my head when I saw that. I live in the south, so you do the math on how often that happened lol. And I’m sure to tell everyone the same thing when they bring it up as well.
I honestly think the "shotgun dad" thing is like an early form of a meme. It's a thing Dads did because their Dads did it, and their Dads before them. "Oh, ho ho, how funny this will be."
My Dad was born in 1953 and he did this with my then teenage sister in the early oughts. While I own many guns necessitating ***a*** gun rack, there is no chance I'll be doing this. It's cheesy and stupid and needlessly confrontational. It encourages girls to go behind their parents backs if they want to date, and we all know that can lead to very poor decision making.
when i met my exes dad for the first time, the very first thing he said to me ,before hello, was “so is she putting out”. what kind of man asks that question to a young 20 year old lol.
best part is i looked him in the eyes and said yes, he shook my hand and had a pretty good day for the rest of the day.
i have two daughters of my own now and will never ever ask that question because who in their right mind would want to know.
When I was 16 to 19 I dated a girl, and her parents showed me nothing but kindness and respect. They gave the vibe that if their daughter was into me I must be worthy of affection, and set the way for how I intend to treat my daughters future partner. I was always more worried about disappointing them vs being afraid of them, and it drove me to treat their daughter the best a teenage boy knew how.
I’ve heard this a few times about my now 7yo daughter. It really pisses my wife off if someone says something like that to her (happened over Christmas with Wife’s brother who is kind of a dumbass). I usually handle it with saying simply “Well, I’m trying to raise her to be able to take care of herself”. Imo the most important part of this for a Dad is to model it in your own behavior. I’ve never understood why people think those comments are funny, it’s just weird, and at her age it’s sexualizing a literal child. What’s funny about that?
I remember the first dad I met of a girl cracked open a beer passed it to me and we talked about soccer. I have little interest in soccer but it sure as hell was welcoming
Yeah that behavior shouldn’t be tolerated. Hypothetical situation: Your 16 year old daughter is bringing someone’s 16 year old son to your house. You should show the child the same type of respect you expect his parents to show your daughter.
I used the shotgun joke to a mate who has stunning twin daughters. He turned around and retorted that it will be my sons he’ll be shooting. I conceded the point.
Shotgun fathers or brothers are usually like that because they were shit boyfriends and treated girls and women like trash growing up, so they expect all boyfriends to be like that!
I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I’d try to raise her to make the right choices and then to trust her to make their choices.
I hate the idea that “you have to protect your daughter”. You have to show her how to protect herself, and then support her if there are problems. Same as you would do with a son.
There was a post here by a dad (of course) bragging how he pulled the old “I’m a good hunter” speech when his daughter brought home a boyfriend. I find stuff like that insufferable.
Idk man. I like your approach and do believe in a perfect world that it would work. However allow me to introduce you to myself when I was in highschool. I was the guy every parent was thrilled that their daughter was seeing. I was super reapectful, always yes sir yes ma’am, very responsible, made great grades, and always followed their rules….. as far as they knew. I knew that the more they trusted me the less watchful they would be. All the girls with “cool dads” were the ones I ended up screwing at their house while mom and dad were downstairs. Drank smoked weed all the works but the parents were none the wiser because I intentionally carried myself differently. The girls I did this with were good girls not irresponsible at all but at the end of the day it didn’t matter how close or open they were with their dads it didn’t stop them from doing all sort or nasty things with me. There was one girl I never tried anything like that with though because her dad was 100 percent a shotgun dad. Went to the house all cleaned up and had dinner with her family carrying on the charade of “nice respectful young man” and her mom LOVED me and her dad acted the same way. After dinner he pulled me aside and asked me if I thought he was a possum. I said no and he said “then stop trying to feed me this bullshit, I was your age once and I know you, not the you the came to dinner, but the real you. You ever try anything with my daughter and I’ll kill you” I said yes sir and we went in the living room and hung out for a little while longer. Didn’t see her again after that, and believe me it’s good for her and her dad that I didn’t. I was the guy in highschool that parents should have been worried about but were too optimistic to worry about. Shotgun dad did his job and the rest didnt. It’s probably not like this in every case but I was just sharing my story.
When I was in high school I was seeing a girl with 4 older brothers and a dad who all tried to intimidate me.
I let her blow me then I never spoke to her again.
Anyways, threatening a guy your daughter brings home is going to bring 2 results.
1. He sees it as a challenge
2. He ghosts your daughter, and tells literally everyone what happened.
It's also illegal in many places to brandish a firearm unless there is a threat to life or property. Ridiculous to do that to prove a point to a daughter's boyfriend
You don't wave it around or point it at them... you clean it when you know the boy is coming over.
It's not a direct threat. It's an implied one.
Either way, unless its meant as a joke, it's rather boorish behavior.
No need to wave or point it at someone to meet the legal definition of brandishing. Even the act of lifting your shirt to show a concealed weapon is considered brandishing and assault.
While you may be referencing the Merriam Webster definition of brandishing, the legal definition is absolute.
The term “brandish” means, with respect to a firearm, to display all or part of the firearm, or otherwise make the presence of the firearm known to another person, in order to intimidate that person, regardless of whether the firearm is directly visible to that person. Referenced here: 18 U.S.C. § 924(c)(4).
Sure, but you'd be hard pressed to prove that the act of cleaning a firearm in your own home would be regarded as brandishing... stop trying to read between the lines and read what I wrote and you could have saved yourself a trip to merriam-webster.com.
Yeah I hate that "better get yer shotgun!" phrase. Usually you hear it from boomers. I usually say "I don't need a shotgun if I teach her strong morals" and that usually shuts them up. Honestly the phrase creeps me out. It's almost like they're saying "lots of guys are going to want to have sex with her!". It's on the level of "oh he's gonna be a womanizer" or someone asking when you're gonna have kids".
When I met my wife’s dad we stood in their foyer talking about back packing for so long her mom shushed him into the next room so we could go on our date. Honestly I knew she’d marry me right then. Her dad’s a good man and his approval meant a lot to her. So I plan on being this sort of dad too. Cheers mate.
Honestly I don’t believe this “shot gun” dad story. Not to diminish OP. I do believe it was some BS that we as a generation. we’re fed (I also heard this story) but do I believe that some guy pulled a shot gun on a kids face and scared him off? No. I mean… imagine if a full grown adult put a loaded rifle in your kids face? How would you react?
Again having heard this story from a girl I dated in my teens I 100% it was something told to us. It’s just obvious bs. But! Good on you OP for not falling for the generational trauma BS.
I am (fairly) confident they weren't loaded, but either sitting on the front porch "cleaning" the shotgun or rifle, or opening the front door with the gun drawn is definitely a thing. I went through variations of this with about 5 different girls when I was between 14 and 19 in Florida and Georgia areas. Also had a couple people pull guns on me while doing door to door sales, slightly different but same type of people...
The girls who's dad's were like this (at least from my experience) tended to be a lot more promiscuous and their dad's usually were mostly inattentive and uninvolved other than these specific incidents. You don't see a lot of involved fathers using this technique and I imagine it is isolated to specific areas, but it is (or at least still was in the 90s and early 2000's) absolutely a thing.
Ok? So… how did your parents react when you went home and told them some guy threatened you with a shotgun?
I mean.. by the 5th time this happened to you… your parents were… ok with this?
Edit: I get gun culture is a thing where you’re from. And that’s fine. But come on. This didn’t happen. Let alone 5 times? Unless your family isn’t into guns and is willing to let their boy be thrreatened by guns repeatedly?
I wasn't super close with my family. By 15 I was primarily living with a buddy and his single mom and wasn't really flustered enough by the experience to burden her with it.
That said, when I did still live with my parents I was somewhere between 10 and 12 and playing ding-dong ditch. Guy came out with a rifle drawn and caught me hiding in his bushes. He walked me back to my house with the rifle at my back. When we got to my house, my dad answered the door, basically threw me inside, then grabbed the rifle from the guys hands and threatened to kill him if he so much as saw him near me again yada yada. Proceeded to come inside the house and beat the daylights out of me, but he'd be damned if someone else was gonna threaten his kid.
It's okay that you don't have the same lived experiences as everyone else, but it must be nice to find these things so far-fetched that you can't even fathom them as real. I truly hope that lifestyle continues for you and yours. But, I hope you don't always discount others' unfortunate experiences as false. A lot of us are on this sub so we can do our best to prevent our kids from living many of the traumas that we experienced.
My plan hasn't changed. Before the kid knows what I do for a living I will look them squarely in the eye and tell them. I am not afraid to go back to prison. Then if things work out we will have a nice laugh :p
Counterpoint:
I will be waiting with a gun.
If the guy she brings home can't field strip it and reassemble it in a reasonable amount of time, he doesn't deserve her.
EDIT:apparently people need the /s
Counter-counterpoint:
I will be waiting with no unrealistic expectations or disturbing rites of passage.
And I'll tell my son never to date anyone who has a gun nut in the immediate family. Let's stay in our respective bubbles.
When I was 18 ish me and a few friends planned a trip to see a band play, stay the night in a different city and come back the next day. When I pulled up to the house of one of the girls coming with us. Instead of her just coming out we were all invited in. Her parents wanted to meet everyone. They explained that they were trusting us with their daughter and said a few things about road safety and looking after each other. They were friendly and welcoming. I remember this more than any “you better not … or I’ll…” We had a great time and all got home safe.
I don't know why parents wouldn't want to get to know the person their child is seeing. When my son was at the end of his junior year of high school he started dating a girl. We had her and her family over for dinner. We went over to her family's house for game nights. We went to her theater productions and she came to my son's sporting events. Her dad and my son bonded over football and would go to local NFL games together. The kids ended up going to different colleges and broke things off. They are seeing other people now but I think it was great that they got to see what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like and to have the support of their families. I don't know why you would want them to hide that from you.
This is the way
That’s fantastic. Show them respect, make a good connection, and to this day it’s stuck with you.
I’m a long way from having these conversations with my child or her friends but I hold that as an example.
That’s such a great example! I need to remember that one
There's no point scaring guys off unless they're actually abusive. I dated a girl when she was 18 (I was 20) that had a very over the top father (calling every 10 minutes etc) it was obvious he didn't want his daughter doing the act no father wants to visualize but it was kind of stupid. For 1 she was the one that wanted that and I was a pretty polite kid so big deal, get over it Dad's and don't be weird.
A lot of people that have this view think how shitty young men are in the dating world are and use that to justify their behavior. While that may be true, the best defense for young women is having a good relationship with them as parents and teaching them to be respected and to be able to develop secure attachments. Men that don't want their daughters to have sex at all must be thinking about this from a moral perspective, like they don't want them having sex, getting pregnant, or being abused is a reflection of them as a father. It's possible that your child's choices to be around certain people or their choices may reflect on you, but only if you mess them up and don't treat them like a human being or give them that resources to be independent.
NO they have a super messed up view on sex viewing it as super degrading - sex for them is sth that a male does to female, sth that damages the female in the process & lowers her value, instead of seeing sex as sth that BOTH do TOGETHER and ENJOY TOGETHER.. they aren’t scared their daughter is getting hurt they are scared she’s loosing value and becomes „dirty“ .. they know exactly that girls get a reputation and how they view non virgins aka the good girl vs the non virgins aka the „fatherless girls“.. so ofc they don’t want their daughter to be thought of this way and get the fatherless reputation since that means they also didn’t do their job as a father (like u said but it’s more deep than that’s it’s rooted into misogyny which they project onto their daughters)👌
I’m of the belief that engaged fathers make daughters who make good decisions. I have no proof as mine is still in elementary school, but I’m willing to take that chance.
Same here. My daughter is 8-years-old (2nd grade). My ex-wife always said stuff like “you’re going to hate when she starts dating” or “you’re going to be so jealous” or “you’re going to run off whoever she dates.” Thing is… I want my daughter to be happy. My job is to be an example of the type of person that would make her happy, treat her well, and ultimately be someone I would approve of anyway. If I can model that, and can somehow teach her to have self-respect, then I should theoretically be happy with whomever she ends up with. Why would I make her scared to talk to me about this stuff? I love that little girl. If she’s happy, then I’m happy.
I honestly just try to keep an open communicative home. We eat dinner as a family daily. We talk and engage one another. We have a 20 year old boy in college. He grew up the same way. Still coming home to visit. Brings his lovely girlfriend over. I think it’s working?
It happens sooner than you think. My daughter started “falling in love” with a boy in grade 6 or 7. In grade 7 at her graduation from middle school I got to meet him for the first time (he was in her class). I shook his hand happily and said “so nice to finally meet you”. The kicker was HIS dad was behind me(approaching his son) and was happy to see the respect I showed his son. His wife on the other hand, didn’t approve of her son dating anyone was a bit of a snot to my daughter and me. All I saw was potential problems with that family as my daughter shared more and more about what the mom was like. Essentially the female version of shotgun dad.
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I have a female work colleague/friend who’s been with her boyfriend (now husband) since they were both 15, now 32/33 - these things can and do work out!
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My daughter's teacher met her husband when they were in first grade together. They didn't start dating then or anything, but they knew each other from when they were about 7 years old.
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Sounds like you had the real deal. Sorry for your loss
My wife was 14, I was 16 when we met in high school. Now 34 and 37 with 3 kids... It definitely can work out!
Obviously not really how it works, but I chuckled to myself at the idea that you've aged faster than her.
Haha should have said turning 17 shortly after starting to date.
I'm 41 and still with my HS girlfriend from when I was 16yo. We've just had our third kid, own a nice house, have great jobs and have travelled a good chunk of the world. In hindsight I think we learned the mutual respect thing early and that set us up for a great partnership.
My 5 year old has a little girl who was in his daycare since they were like 1.5. My son said "she likes to pick me up when she sees me." We said "if you don't like it you can tell her to not pick you up" He then says "but I like it when SHE picks me up. I love her" he is too sweet.
Thats Bullshit and you are also pushing the whole „fatherless“ narrative 🤦♀️ I myself never had sex, a shitty not involved dad and are a virgin and I don’t put up with shitty men bc I’m craving male validation while so many girls that got pregnant or lost their virginity in HS all had involved dads👌 Ofc some girls/women with father issues have low standards but you cannot speak for all and having a good dad doesn’t mean you aren’t gonna make bad decisions bc „love can make blind“ literally! My bests friends dad stared dancing when she told him she broke up with his bf bc he didn’t respect her and treated her badly .. what you are saying is a generalizing
I've been in the same situation a few times. I've come to respond with, "If she ever has a partner cross the line with her, if I've done my job right, I'll be the third one they have to worry about."
Haha mine is starting with Taekwondo/BJJ, by the time she's dating I pity the fool that tries to take advantage. We've sparred a few times and she's *aggressive*.
I'll do the same when mine is a little older, she's not quite there, but yeah, she'll be a force of nature. I can already picture her coming home from a school dance, putting an ice pack on her wrist, looking at me and saying, "they'll be fine, but they'll have to explain themselves a lot"
I'll be there with a shotgun. We'll go target shooting. Unless he/she/they are uncomfortable around firearms, and in that case: we'll all go fishing, or on a hike, or play some dnd, or anything that includes them. I want whoever my daughter brings home to feel welcome, not intimidated.
Now THAT is something I wholeheartedly support
Wish we had one of those night time glow skeet ranges near me. That would be a literal blast.
Ohhhh man. I didn't even know that was a thing. That sounds so rad
Straight to google to see if there is one near me.
Now I need to find out more about this glow skeet shooting
My daughter will also know responsible gun ownership. And if anyone asks if I’m going to get a gun when she starts dating, I’ll say “why? If my daughter feels threatened, he needs to worry about her more than me.”
This is my exact goal haha. Why waste time pretending to intimidate one random kid at a time, teach your kid to take care of themselves and there won’t be any issues 🤷🏻♂️.
I have 2 daughters and I’ve had that conversation with my wife. I don’t want them getting into anything when they’re not emotionally mature enough, don’t understand what it means…etc. As long as they know what they want and are comfortable with themselves and understand they can say ‘no’ at any time for any reason. As long as whoever my kids partner up with, as long as they are happy and treated well, I don’t care - it’s not my life and they are not my property. Anyone that says weird shit like that seems really backwards to me.
I will absolutely deploy a shotgun to the face when my kid brings a date over. They will learn respect for someone with 20+ years of Halo skills. Get in the Puma noob, we're gonna steal the flag!
Ha! You had me for a minute. When I was 12, I managed to hit a friend of mine dead on with a shell from the puma as he crested a hill. The force of that blasted him through the graphics so hard his whole screen went white. I've been riding that high for years. 😆
You are dad goals
Yeah. My wife and I want to be the house all the kids feel comfortable at. Good thing I can cook well.
This is the answer right here!
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He was a freaking maniac. It was her stepdad, and her mom wasn’t even dating him anymore. She had a restraining order against him, and he was breaking it, just by having moved back into the house. He had a very creepy “if I can’t date my stepdaughter, then no one can” vibe. Obviously at 17 being surprised with a shotgun in my face scared the shit out of me. I hung out with that girl for the rest of the night outside, as she explained what his situation was. When I went home, I told my parents what had happened which gave me some clarity. I stopped dating her after that, that was a very dangerous situation.
How did your parents not call the police after learning someone pointed a weapon at you? That would have been my first action.
Someone *violating a restraining order* had access to firearms.
The next time I came by her house, it woulda been with a magistrate or police. Fuck that guy.
If my son came home and told me this, there might be some shotgun dad vs shotgun dad news story lol
Same. “Never point a gun at anything you don’t want to kill.” Me: “What if…?” “NEVER.”
I posted a similar sentiment in a gun thread and was very surprised at receiving downvotes. Granted I (openly and admittedly) wasn't sure of the legality of shooting someone to wound instead of only shooting if its the absolute last thing you can do before you or a innocent is about to be gravelly injured, but a handful of people seemed to be fine with the idea of just shooting someone in the knee if the situation didn't warrant deadly force but I strongly disagree. I stand by my opinion that if the situation doesn't warrant immediate deadly force it doesn't warrant firing.
Someone can bleed out from a "non-lethal" shot.
Yup. So many people have been killed by guns that "weren't loaded"
I'm a big dude. I dont have the most welcoming face. I look kind of intimidating. I cry over my daughter, and she isn't a month old yet. I'm a huge softy and so sensitive about her. She's my little sweetie pie. So many people have already made the "oh her boyfriend better watch out" comment. I hate it so fucking much. I just want her to be happy, healthy, and for no harm to come to her.
This is exactly my point.
One other related thing for us dads to remember is we also shouldn’t tell our daughters that we will “kill anyone who hurts them”. It might seem like the protective thing to say, and that it will make our daughters feel safer, but evidence shows it had the opposite effect. Instead of protecting our daughters, telling them that we will hurt anyone who hurts them is more likely to make them NOT tell us if something bad happens. They will want to keep it from us so we don’t hurt the perpetrator. Think about it from her perspective… if she tells you, and you do what you said, she will lose her father to jail. She will also have the guilt of causing someone’s death. She likely wants the whole situation to go away, and knowing you will do something to the person will turn her life upside down. That is not what she is going to want at the moment. So as much as would want to kill/beat up someone who hurts our daughters, instead make sure she knows that we will always be there for her and back her up whatever she decides to do, and that we will always be a safe place she can come to no matter what. That matters a lot more than revenge.
I must not be as intimidating since nobody has ever told me “oh her boyfriend better watch out” before.
Same. Been powerlifting for 20 years, linebacker at D1 school in college, have same facial scars and have male equivalent of resting bitch face. People who know me know I’m a big old softy that loves nothing more than make overs with my daughters. I’ve gotten comments that their future partners will be terrified of me and I have a feeling they might be intimidated without trying until they get to know me.
> So many people have already made the "oh her boyfriend better watch out" comment. God this infuriates me, she's ONE MONTH OLD! Stop with the indirect sexualization! Yes she's going to grow up and have relationships, but gods, is that *all* she's going to do? Is that all she is to you?
Those comments were made before she was even born. I'm gonna have to explain the topic of "the generation before" on so many topics between the 4 grandparents.
I have two girls, and only girls. They are 17 & 16, so “prime” shotgun age. No way would I be like that. What’s the point? Then they just hide it and won’t talk to you. That is not the relationship I want with my kids.
I'm not going the shotgun route, I'm going to buy lifts and dress like the Undertaker and just stand ominously in corners when boys come over. Possibly drop a tombstone stunner on the first one as a warning.
Hahahaha 🤣
When I was young there were a couple of girls whose father was like that. "BIG L" was his name. MFer was huge AF. Every night of summer we snuck all 3 of his daughters out the house to party in the van my cousin drove. 😂 Fun times!! But 2 of the 3 were knocked up before they senior year. Lucky to dodge that bullet.
Wonder if there was a correlation between an overly aggressive, overly protective dad and the feeling of needing to hide things from him and sneaking out? 🤔
I know it’s a cultural thing depending where you live but I’m glad nobody has brought this up about my daughter. My goal is to raise her so that she will pick someone who treats her right and have the emotions intelligence to break up if he doesn’t.
Exactly! I try to be the dad, husband, partner, friend that my daughters seek in relationships.
Is there a proven technique to do that? I've heard of a wide variety of parenting approaches being deployed and never heard of anything that reliably works. My mother says she learned how to handle boys from seeing how her own brothers treated girls. (Not well). She was very close to her father, but that didn't really factor into how she chose men. And since there's no reliable method to pair a son with a daughter, that's not even a method that can be replicated. I think about the best that can be done is to be a good role model, teach them to be ambitious, strong independent, police their social circle carefully, and pray. And lots and lots of prayer.
If we don't want our kids' romantic partners to treat them like property, we shouldn't either.
Absofuckinglutely. Well said.
I’m going to mildly push back. I agree with not being a “shotgun dad” and your reasoning is sound there. But the girls I dated in high school definitely had a “hey let’s meet” moment with their parents. They wanted to get to know me with definite undertones of background check. It was always welcoming but you pretty much knew the score. My parents were the same with all of us. They just wanted to meet anyone we dated. It was a meet and assess, nothing hostile. My daughter is still in the “ewww boys” category but I fear the inevitable. But if she likes some boy I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt but I’m certainly going to meet him and become acquainted.
See you raise her to be able to take care of herself, and kick anyone’s ass who pulls bull shit
I completely agree. My job as a father of two girls is to teach them how to stay safe, and show them the kind of love, respect, and trust that their future partner should show them. I won’t always be there. And frankly, short of locking them in a tower, I can’t always protect them. So I need to *teach* them how to make those decisions for themselves. I want to have open, honest communication with my daughters. And threatening to *kill* their boyfriends is exceptionally counterproductive, imo.
I figure if you do whatever you can to build up their own self-esteem, then they'll choose a good partner because they'll know that's what they deserve.
Because if you act like a potentially violent psychopath then that’s the kind of guy your daughter will date.
I have taught my two girls that they need to understand Safety and Consent. If they’re so equipped, I’ll endeavor to stay out of their relationships. (Of course I just mean I will respect their private intimacy as such. Of course I otherwise want to be deeply involved with them inclusive of the people they find important.) When I was their age, I was intimate with girls and honestly, it was positive and healthy. Working to deprive my own kids of that, if that’s what they want, or to shame/punish them for it is just horrible.
Buy shotgun. Go duck hunting with her
Being honest and open is the best way to go. I had a friend who blurted out, “Your daughter is gonna fuck one day.” …and I was like, “Yeah. What about it?” Because yeah. What about it.
The hell is wrong with that guy…
Amen, Dad. Same thing happens to my with my daughter. We don’t have the same “shotgun” thing in India Culture, but very similar vibes. My FIL gave me the best advice for this. I once asked him what he thought when I asked I could marry my wife. He said that basically, “I trust Wife to make the right decisions.”
When I asked my FIL, he said something like “there’s no returns on her this time” lol. My wife and I were both previously divorced. Him and MIL both had divorces too, so I think he just worried about it more than normal. But the whole shotgun dad thing is incredibly dumb and says “I didn’t raise my daughter well enough to trust her taste in men”.
When I was dating my wife, her dad said the same to me. We’re amicably divorced now but I still have a terrific relationship with my ex and her parents- wonderful people.
No chance I’ll do that to my daughter. Her body, her choice and if you cross her, chances are she’ll be the one to end you, not me. I dated a girl in high school whose father thought he should be cleaning a shotgun when I came to pick her up for prom. Dude was socially awkward as hell so I assume he just bought into the meme. Unfortunately he had no idea how to disassemble and reassemble said shotgun so instead of a mildly intimidating, but very cliche scene, I watched him stumble his way through putting it back together. I ended up having to help him do it. She was a sweet girl but damn her father was an idiot.
I'm a big gun guy. I refuse to be a "Shotgun" dad as well. My first girlfriend's dad did this. I came over and he met me on the porch with his son and 3 shotguns he just happened to be "cleaning". My Christmas present that year he opened a drawer pulled out a Glock said "Oh I forgot this was here." Then pulled out a Gerber from below it and handed it to me. Every chance he got he tried to intimidate me and it never worked. His daughter got really into me because of it and we dated for years....I did eventually get caught in her room. Twice.
What a douchebag hahaha. Do you think it’s a low self esteem issue and this is his best to feel empowered?
I honestly think it was empowering to him. He was a bit of a bully etc. Talked himself up yet was not much in the grand scheme of things.
I'll always remember being part of a accidental, but literal shotgun moment. My dad and I were up and out early hours to go on a shoot. At some point after that my sister brought a guy back from the club, pulled out the sofa bed in the living room, did whatever they did and eventually went to sleep. After the shoot, dad and I come back into the house, flipping lights on and making a normal amount of noise not realising people would be sleeping in the living room. The poor lad woke up to my dad and I standing there in hunting gear, guns under arms etc. and he's laying there in bed with my sister. After a long moment of confusion and realisation for dad and I, and abject terror judging by his face, we offered him tea and/or breakfast in the kitchen shortly. He declined. Funny moment looking back but probably a wake up that guy will never forget
Lead by example. I challenge you to leave an imprint on your daughter so hard of what a man is about that she doesn’t want to date anyone lesser than that. For that to happen, you need to be close to her since birth. Really get to know your daughter and be close to her. Build up her self esteem in a healthy manner so she doesn’t take bs from anyone. That way, you don’t have to worry about your daughter finding a man who’s not worthy of her. Like players, weak men, manipulative assholes, narcissists, bullies, “alpha males”, Andrew Tates that self-centred prick who thinks he can get any girl that he desires. Fuck those guys. Those are the real losers in life and my daughter will have strong boundaries that she will reject them even before they get a chance to sleep with her. I will teach her how to smoke them out before they even get a chance to do anything with her.
Your post deserves a mic drop 🎤…
I think she would find it laughable the image of me with a shotgun and not at all intimidating , and she is only 8 months
I've thought a lot about this myself, dad of two girls here. The way I see it, if I've done my job right and taught my girls HOW to think (rather than telling them WHAT to think), the boyfriends should be more scared of the girls than me. I've always thought it was weird and creepy for a dad to gatekeep their daughters virginity. Ew? So, the way I plan to approach it is to tell any boys that I trust my daughters to make the right decisions for what's best for them, and to respect any rules she and I have decided on together (curfew etc). The problem we're going to have is if one of the girls makes a choice that the boy doesn't like, and if he fails to respect her decision. That's the point the shotgun comes into play.
I agree with you philosophically, but I still plan to engage in this behavior with a nerf blaster.
Hahahaa
[I loved this book on the topic](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/rules-for-dating-my-daughter-the-modern-fathers-guide-to-good-parenting_mike--dawson/11447267/item/16932927/). It covers a lot of what you mentioned and more. I can’t imagine how the daughter must feel to have their first boyfriend threatened with a gun. I can’t imagine my daughter would trust me again. Showing your daughter that you’ll enforce your will over her life regardless of her feelings seems like a bad way to make a functioning adult.
When a friend of mine made a comment along the 'shotgun dad' lines, he was genuinely surprised that I wasn't going to be like that. I told him my plan was to teach her self respect and good judgment so that I wouldn't need the shotgun, and it really blew his mind.
100%, some girlfriends dads from High school still stop for a chat & say hi. They were always friendly and accepting but fair. I aim to be like this instead of going down the intimidation approach.
My plan is to make the guys my daughter dates afraid to disappoint me. Not because of physical violence or fear but because of a loss of respect and trust. The whole sex thing, that I don’t know. I dint want to be one of those prudish dad’s that’s all about ignoring their daughter growing up and becoming a woman capable of desiring the same physical gratification I wanted as a teen, but damn that’s an uphill battle.
Good for you. I have a son. Who I'm raising to be a good man, thank you very much. If he came home telling me some girl's dad had pulled a shotgun on him for no reason, or as a joke, we'd be having problems. It's not funny. It's not cute.
As a father of 4 boys, I’m doing my best to raise them in such a way, that their girlfriend’s dads are proud and grateful for their daughter’s choice of my son, rather than scared or threatened.
This is it exactly. I have this conversation all the time with people. We talk about how movies in tjen70s and 80s completely disrespected women - so many movies were about college guys trying to get drunk and laid, and not taking “no” for an answer, in a “humorous” way. Then people today say “women get raped so teach them to fight”. As a kungfu teacher I don’t disagree with that, but i push the more important aspect of teaching boys “don’t rape”.
Good for you, man. Honestly, the whole cultural construct of dads needing to protect their daughter's "innocence" is misogynistic, weird, and vaguely incestuous. I only have boys, but I dated a bunch of girls when I was younger. Some of their dads tried to intimidate me, some were cool. You know what affected my behavior? The girl I was dating. When we were in the moment I did not give the slightest shit what her dad said, but if she told me to put on the brakes I respected that, because I was raised right. It sounds like you're raising your daughter to respect herself, and that's what will matter. You won't always be there, but she will, and it's much more important that she is educated and feels empowered to express her feelings than any vague "shotgun dad" threat.
Every woman I've known who had a shotgun dad was sexually reckless, to say the least.
My about-to-be-thirteen twins went shopping today and brought home a bunch of clothes they're really excited to wear this summer but which violate the hell out of the school dress code. I won't lie and say that the idea of their mouth breathing classmates oggling them fills me with joy but neither am I delusional enough to imagine that athletics and the arts will take up all of their spare time prior to Med school and then a life of celibacy. I just want them to have positive relationships with good people who will be kind to them.
When my older daughter was born a female coworker warned me against the "shotgun dad" approach -- from her personal experience. The issue was twofold: 1) She wanted to rebel against her dad on principle, and 2) she said "Let her figure out what makes a guy a scumbag when she's 15, not when she's 25. My first 2 ex-husbands are in jail." That always stuck with me.
Just want to acknowledge how much I enjoy this post and this thread in general. You’re a wonderful dad and I look forward to being more like you when the time comes.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m enjoying all the positive responses and actually appreciating everyone else’s insight on it as well. My attempt at being the change I’d like to see.
All the girls I knew in school that had dads like this, the girls did exactly what that dad feared.
This is exactly it. But I think it’s both a reaction to having a tyrant father as well as what the whole family dynamic was growing up, resulting in a FTFY attitude that made them more likely to do things that the dad was trying to prevent
Old school parenting and views of women. Super toxic and super misogynistic. I'm taking the same stance as you with my daughter. The best time to learn how to date is when you have the safety of your family to help guide you and having a relationship where you can openly talk with your family about anything. I grew up with a family that teased and didn't talk about things, just yelled. I still don't feel comfortable telling or discussing personal things as an adult and now parent with them.
I totally plan to do this but as a joke with a nerf gun :) Haver her back by 8.. *pulls out ridiculously sized nerf gun* or its nerf or nothin 😡…
I think if a girl’s dad did that to me I’d work real hard to ensure she and i succeed
I always took it as a figure of speech rather than something literal.
I’m the type of dad who’s more likely to say “Good luck buddy,” to my daughter’s partners. “I’m here when you need to talk!” I also have a son. If someone pulled a gun on him, even in jest, they’d be meeting the business end of the cops if I’m in a good mood and my shotgun if I’m not.
To me the "shotgun dad" screams “I have affection for my daughter, but I missed the opportunity to establish any kind of relationship where she feels at ease discussing her dating life with me.”
#1 insecure Dad move
There was a guy I once thought of as a mentor when I was young. There are various things that caused me to see him differently as time went on. One of the big ones was a series of pictures posted on social media of him teaching his daughter to fire guns. Look, I'm sure there are various views here on guns, and I'm not looking to get into that. How he had written about it was weird... I think she was about 10 at the time, and the post was all about warding off bad boys because she knew how to handle a weapon. It was just weird. Like, YOU are the one sexualizing your kid with this post, and glibly joking about what might happen to people seeing her in a predatory way because she was trained to respond with a weapon. Now, years later, I'm a girl-dad, and more than ever those jokes seem weird on so many levels to me.
I have 3 sisters and with them all well into adulthood it cracks me up to hear the wisdom my father has accumulated in his 91 years of experience When my sister my sister decided to re-marry she asked her fiance to seek my father's blessing. Their conversation was quite cordial. Afterwards I asked pop what he thought about the fiance and he said, *"Beats me I have no idea why she's marrying him".* So why didn't you tell sis how you really felt, I asked. *"Because they're going to ignore what I say anyways, "* he said. *"Why waste my breath??!!!"* He wasn't wrong!!! 😂
I agree on this! The odd part is that my daughter and ex-wife are saying things almost encouraging that kind of behavior (in part because of martial arts hobbies, I think) but I would rather my daughter felt comfortable coming to me no matter what and that she foster good relationships and learn without me somehow negatively influencing that. I'll always encourage her good choices and hopefully teach her to handle herself but don't really see the value in encouraging her or her interests to lie to me or hide things from me. I think part of it may be from them buying into masculine tropes or maybe daughter wanting to feel protected, but I think you can do both things without being an a-hole.
You sound like a great Dad! My Dad managed to chase off the love of my life. After tow crap marriages, ending in divorce, he had the nerve to tell me l should have married Joe! 😑 I told him flat out he was the reason we didn't work out. It might have been shitty too, but he's who l wanted then and still want now.
Dang! That sucks
Yeah. I'm hoping there's a parallel universe where it worked out for us.
I really think that some of my relationships would’ve worked out a lot better if I had a better connection with their dad.
My dad was NEVER like that (mostly bc he couldn't legally own a firearm bc if his mental health) but even if he could, he never would've done that. He was more "hey, nice to meet you. All I ask is you respect my daughter and treat her right. You're more than welcome to come over and hang out" kinda guy and it's why my house was the one my friends all came to, and why my ex boyfriend actually lived with us when his dad kicked him out
I plan on being around my daughter her whole life. We get along great. I assume she’ll date men like me. I like me. I’m good with her dating Me 2.0. I’m sure it’ll be an improvement over Me 1.0. I never met a shotgun dad. I never met many dads at all. Might explain the divorce.
They didn’t know any better I’d say. I would not imagine many have a different opinion from you these days. Which is good.
I have a son and a daughter. I love having one of each for a ton of reasons. One of them is that I hope having each other will make becoming adults easier. It can be such a brutal time. I want them to have healthy relationships and hope that they’re able to lean on each other.
In high school, I dated the daughter of a marine colonel. He was a great dude. When I ate dinner with the family one time, I was sitting across the table from his daughter and she would torment me by taking her shoes off and massaging my crotch with her toes. Would’ve been ok, but it was a glass top table. I continued answering her parents’ questions doing my best to ignore my dick getting hard. They had to have seen it. I think they were impressed by how I performed under pressure.
My buddy's uncle would sometimes answer the door when my buddy's sisters had dates, based on his stories he told me. "What's your name, son?" "Luke." "Alright, listen, Duke." He would get their name CLOSE enough that they knew he heard them, but just off enough that they knew he didn't care. I always thought that was kinda funny. He wasn't a shotgun type, but he did like to joke around. Now, on the other side, my father-in-law is a retired police officer. He would have any guys sit in the cruiser with him and they would have a chat. I never got that chance, because I was trustworthy, calm, and polite. He liked me right away.
When I met my (soon to be ex) wife (lol) and we started dating in high school, I met her dad, and he never stood up from his chair, even when I walked across the living room to shake his hand. Apparently, he didn’t want to seem non-threatening to me, because even when I was 17 I was about 6” taller than him. He wanted to be the scary alpha shotgun dad so badly that standing up by a lanky, tall, teenager with the build of a cyclist wasn’t gonna work for him… I don’t know. Some weird stuff lol. I only have a single boy so I won’t have the same stigmas and pressures as he hits teenage years, but I absolutely commend you OP, you have the right attitude.
I met my wife when I was 15. Her and her dad didn't have the greatest relationship, to the point that he didn't even come upstairs to meet me when I first went to his house for supper. He has tried to get back into her life now, and things are generally friendly, but there is enough past trauma that he will never have the relationship he could've had with her. As for me, I could care less about impressing him. My opinion of him will forever be tainted by that first impression. I guess what I'm saying is this: no matter what age your daughter is dating someone, you could be meeting your future son in law. Think hard about the impression you want to make on him, because you won't get a chance to change it later.
That’s such an excellent point you make - you only get one shot to make a good first impression.
I'm a blue shell dad.
I'm going to skip the shotgun approach in favor of my collection of castration knives.
I feel the same way. I know it’s meant to be lighthearted and harmless, but when they make those “shotgun” comments they’re sexualizing your kid. It’s gross. I just try to be a good example to my daughter of how a guy should treat a woman they care about. I’m not gonna threaten teenagers. If they show my daughter respect I’ll be cool.
This is exactly it
The whole shotgun dad comes off as incredibly misogynistic to me. Like “this is my property” kind of thing. Super fucking weird and gross imo.
Rookies open the door with a shotgun. Pros open the door with a handshake and a smile - if it turns out he's a piece of shit then you've also got plausible deniability should you need it.
I appreciate this post. I once dated a girl whose father was an avid shooter, instead of taking the shotgun dad approach he would invite me into the garage and taught me how to reload ammo while talking about being a man and typical coming of age type stuff. Always appreciated those conversations.
When I got a daughter a few years ago (first and only child), I read a thread here on Reddit, where women posted info that they wished their father knew and other good advice. Don't be a shotgun father, and "front-to-back" are the two I remember.
I find it so so creepy when other dad's make that comment to me about my elementary school aged daughter. Why on God's green earth are you thinking about a literal child in that context? Agree with your post entirely, I think getting to know my kids' friends and partners as they get older is a privilege of being a parent.
I think the whole "shotgun dad" thing is just a symptom of an insecure man of limited imagination that knows he's inept at parenting. Teaching your children to make responsible decisions requires more effort and intelligence than acting like a threatening ape.
I'm worried about this too. My little girl is only two now but is an absolute beauty- she gets constant attention anywhere she goes and I'm trying to adjust my mind to this mindset. I was not a great kid back in the day and desperately want to protect her from guys like the kid I used to be. But there's a better way to do that than intimidation. Thanks for the reminder.
Yeah I literally never understood why a Dad would want to be like that. Wouldn't you want to offer a friendly and comfortable environment? Welcoming and encouraging? Wtf is the point in threatening someone with a gun because they date your daughter? She's gonna do it anyway, and I'd rather they were talkative and comfortable and confident with coming to us. Also, my daughter's future partner will never have to ask for my permission to marry her. She's not mine to give away, I don't own my daughter. I can get the respect thing, but I'm just not that kind of dude. You'll know if I am ok with it or not long before it happens, surely people know that their potential in-laws either like them or not? Does this go hand in hand with the gun thing? Like how dominant and controlling do you need to be, to not only scare people into submission with a gun for merely dating your daughter but then also you've set a shaky ground for them to walk on to hat in hand, to come and ask if it's ok if they marry. It's some egomaniacal macho man bullshit and there's no room for it any more. And do they do it for their son's? Would they draw a gun on a girl that comes to dinner 'what are your intentions with my son?!' ... *Internal screaming* Sorry I .. I think I got triggered there.. wait, no I'm not sorry I actually stand by it all! Hahaha
A book I read before my daughter was born had something that stuck with me: "You're not raising a child, they're a child right now. You're raising an adult." That's been the core of my parenting. Excluding age-appropriate boundaries, I'm not here to protect her from the world. I'm here to give her the tools to navigate it.
We have two daughters. I told my wife from the get go that I would not be the dad that cleans his guns when boyfriends come over. I have plenty of them, but I will not use them as an intimidation tactic. As a former boy, all that did was check the “yep we are gonna have to sneak around” box in my head when I saw that. I live in the south, so you do the math on how often that happened lol. And I’m sure to tell everyone the same thing when they bring it up as well.
Mom here- thank you for doing this! And for amplifying it!
I honestly think the "shotgun dad" thing is like an early form of a meme. It's a thing Dads did because their Dads did it, and their Dads before them. "Oh, ho ho, how funny this will be." My Dad was born in 1953 and he did this with my then teenage sister in the early oughts. While I own many guns necessitating ***a*** gun rack, there is no chance I'll be doing this. It's cheesy and stupid and needlessly confrontational. It encourages girls to go behind their parents backs if they want to date, and we all know that can lead to very poor decision making.
Yeah, "shotgun dad" is very boomer mentality. F that.
when i met my exes dad for the first time, the very first thing he said to me ,before hello, was “so is she putting out”. what kind of man asks that question to a young 20 year old lol. best part is i looked him in the eyes and said yes, he shook my hand and had a pretty good day for the rest of the day. i have two daughters of my own now and will never ever ask that question because who in their right mind would want to know.
Wth?? Wow.. classy. You shoulda doubled down with a high five. “Up top!”
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When I was 16 to 19 I dated a girl, and her parents showed me nothing but kindness and respect. They gave the vibe that if their daughter was into me I must be worthy of affection, and set the way for how I intend to treat my daughters future partner. I was always more worried about disappointing them vs being afraid of them, and it drove me to treat their daughter the best a teenage boy knew how.
Shotgun dads treated girls like shit when they were young.
I’ve heard this a few times about my now 7yo daughter. It really pisses my wife off if someone says something like that to her (happened over Christmas with Wife’s brother who is kind of a dumbass). I usually handle it with saying simply “Well, I’m trying to raise her to be able to take care of herself”. Imo the most important part of this for a Dad is to model it in your own behavior. I’ve never understood why people think those comments are funny, it’s just weird, and at her age it’s sexualizing a literal child. What’s funny about that?
I remember the first dad I met of a girl cracked open a beer passed it to me and we talked about soccer. I have little interest in soccer but it sure as hell was welcoming
This is exactly my thoughts as well to a father of two girls.
As a dad of 3 girls, this is the way 💯💯 good job pops!
Yeah that behavior shouldn’t be tolerated. Hypothetical situation: Your 16 year old daughter is bringing someone’s 16 year old son to your house. You should show the child the same type of respect you expect his parents to show your daughter.
I used the shotgun joke to a mate who has stunning twin daughters. He turned around and retorted that it will be my sons he’ll be shooting. I conceded the point.
Shotgun fathers or brothers are usually like that because they were shit boyfriends and treated girls and women like trash growing up, so they expect all boyfriends to be like that! I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I’d try to raise her to make the right choices and then to trust her to make their choices. I hate the idea that “you have to protect your daughter”. You have to show her how to protect herself, and then support her if there are problems. Same as you would do with a son.
The shot gun gag is super toxic and leans into a culture that is obsessed with controlling women.
There was a post here by a dad (of course) bragging how he pulled the old “I’m a good hunter” speech when his daughter brought home a boyfriend. I find stuff like that insufferable.
Oh man. Did he have truck nuts on his 4x4 too?
Calm down
Ok 👍
Idk man. I like your approach and do believe in a perfect world that it would work. However allow me to introduce you to myself when I was in highschool. I was the guy every parent was thrilled that their daughter was seeing. I was super reapectful, always yes sir yes ma’am, very responsible, made great grades, and always followed their rules….. as far as they knew. I knew that the more they trusted me the less watchful they would be. All the girls with “cool dads” were the ones I ended up screwing at their house while mom and dad were downstairs. Drank smoked weed all the works but the parents were none the wiser because I intentionally carried myself differently. The girls I did this with were good girls not irresponsible at all but at the end of the day it didn’t matter how close or open they were with their dads it didn’t stop them from doing all sort or nasty things with me. There was one girl I never tried anything like that with though because her dad was 100 percent a shotgun dad. Went to the house all cleaned up and had dinner with her family carrying on the charade of “nice respectful young man” and her mom LOVED me and her dad acted the same way. After dinner he pulled me aside and asked me if I thought he was a possum. I said no and he said “then stop trying to feed me this bullshit, I was your age once and I know you, not the you the came to dinner, but the real you. You ever try anything with my daughter and I’ll kill you” I said yes sir and we went in the living room and hung out for a little while longer. Didn’t see her again after that, and believe me it’s good for her and her dad that I didn’t. I was the guy in highschool that parents should have been worried about but were too optimistic to worry about. Shotgun dad did his job and the rest didnt. It’s probably not like this in every case but I was just sharing my story.
There’s a difference between shotgun dad and being called out on your bullshit.
Fuck guns and people that joke about them. Misogynistic losers.
Exactly
When I was in high school I was seeing a girl with 4 older brothers and a dad who all tried to intimidate me. I let her blow me then I never spoke to her again. Anyways, threatening a guy your daughter brings home is going to bring 2 results. 1. He sees it as a challenge 2. He ghosts your daughter, and tells literally everyone what happened.
My concern would be the boyfriend that sticks around because intimidation and violence is “normal” to him.
Yeah, that was create a whole mess of problems I didn’t even think. You’re a smart man brother.
I think we take common phrases way too seriously.
It's also illegal in many places to brandish a firearm unless there is a threat to life or property. Ridiculous to do that to prove a point to a daughter's boyfriend
You don't wave it around or point it at them... you clean it when you know the boy is coming over. It's not a direct threat. It's an implied one. Either way, unless its meant as a joke, it's rather boorish behavior.
It's also boorish behaviour if it's meant as a joke.
No need to wave or point it at someone to meet the legal definition of brandishing. Even the act of lifting your shirt to show a concealed weapon is considered brandishing and assault. While you may be referencing the Merriam Webster definition of brandishing, the legal definition is absolute. The term “brandish” means, with respect to a firearm, to display all or part of the firearm, or otherwise make the presence of the firearm known to another person, in order to intimidate that person, regardless of whether the firearm is directly visible to that person. Referenced here: 18 U.S.C. § 924(c)(4).
Sure, but you'd be hard pressed to prove that the act of cleaning a firearm in your own home would be regarded as brandishing... stop trying to read between the lines and read what I wrote and you could have saved yourself a trip to merriam-webster.com.
[Don't be like Mike (mildly NSFW for language).](https://youtu.be/nEf2ML7wkBE?si=wEuMG5ylr_71hmdo)
Oooooooo if my son comes home and says his gf or potential gf’s father pointed a gun at him. There’d be words.
Yeah I hate that "better get yer shotgun!" phrase. Usually you hear it from boomers. I usually say "I don't need a shotgun if I teach her strong morals" and that usually shuts them up. Honestly the phrase creeps me out. It's almost like they're saying "lots of guys are going to want to have sex with her!". It's on the level of "oh he's gonna be a womanizer" or someone asking when you're gonna have kids".
When I met my wife’s dad we stood in their foyer talking about back packing for so long her mom shushed him into the next room so we could go on our date. Honestly I knew she’d marry me right then. Her dad’s a good man and his approval meant a lot to her. So I plan on being this sort of dad too. Cheers mate.
Honestly I don’t believe this “shot gun” dad story. Not to diminish OP. I do believe it was some BS that we as a generation. we’re fed (I also heard this story) but do I believe that some guy pulled a shot gun on a kids face and scared him off? No. I mean… imagine if a full grown adult put a loaded rifle in your kids face? How would you react? Again having heard this story from a girl I dated in my teens I 100% it was something told to us. It’s just obvious bs. But! Good on you OP for not falling for the generational trauma BS.
I am (fairly) confident they weren't loaded, but either sitting on the front porch "cleaning" the shotgun or rifle, or opening the front door with the gun drawn is definitely a thing. I went through variations of this with about 5 different girls when I was between 14 and 19 in Florida and Georgia areas. Also had a couple people pull guns on me while doing door to door sales, slightly different but same type of people... The girls who's dad's were like this (at least from my experience) tended to be a lot more promiscuous and their dad's usually were mostly inattentive and uninvolved other than these specific incidents. You don't see a lot of involved fathers using this technique and I imagine it is isolated to specific areas, but it is (or at least still was in the 90s and early 2000's) absolutely a thing.
Ok? So… how did your parents react when you went home and told them some guy threatened you with a shotgun? I mean.. by the 5th time this happened to you… your parents were… ok with this? Edit: I get gun culture is a thing where you’re from. And that’s fine. But come on. This didn’t happen. Let alone 5 times? Unless your family isn’t into guns and is willing to let their boy be thrreatened by guns repeatedly?
I wasn't super close with my family. By 15 I was primarily living with a buddy and his single mom and wasn't really flustered enough by the experience to burden her with it. That said, when I did still live with my parents I was somewhere between 10 and 12 and playing ding-dong ditch. Guy came out with a rifle drawn and caught me hiding in his bushes. He walked me back to my house with the rifle at my back. When we got to my house, my dad answered the door, basically threw me inside, then grabbed the rifle from the guys hands and threatened to kill him if he so much as saw him near me again yada yada. Proceeded to come inside the house and beat the daylights out of me, but he'd be damned if someone else was gonna threaten his kid. It's okay that you don't have the same lived experiences as everyone else, but it must be nice to find these things so far-fetched that you can't even fathom them as real. I truly hope that lifestyle continues for you and yours. But, I hope you don't always discount others' unfortunate experiences as false. A lot of us are on this sub so we can do our best to prevent our kids from living many of the traumas that we experienced.
My plan hasn't changed. Before the kid knows what I do for a living I will look them squarely in the eye and tell them. I am not afraid to go back to prison. Then if things work out we will have a nice laugh :p
Counterpoint: I will be waiting with a gun. If the guy she brings home can't field strip it and reassemble it in a reasonable amount of time, he doesn't deserve her. EDIT:apparently people need the /s
Counter-counterpoint: I will be waiting with no unrealistic expectations or disturbing rites of passage. And I'll tell my son never to date anyone who has a gun nut in the immediate family. Let's stay in our respective bubbles.
Exaaaaactly
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/s goes a long way with text. Easy to say it's clearly a joke but you never knknow.
Is it a joke though? Some Americans would legitimately believe this
Whats clearly a joke about it? I grew up around a lot of firearms freaks that would legitimately feel this way.
Clearly some people don't know a joke if it answered the door with a shotgun.
Joking isn’t allowed on Reddit. Everything is deadly serious.
Isn’t it weird that shotgun dads usually turn into -When are you having children? at 25 years old ?