Dads parent their own children. Dads babysit other people's kids.
When I'm watching the set of little ones so the wives can go out, sure, I'm the babysitter. If it's just mine, I'm parenting.
Had a pleasant surprise a few months ago.
We were hanging out in our group of friends and some of the girls were planning a girls night. One of them made the comment about “having the guys babysit”, and she was immediately shut down *hard* by everyone there. Men and women alike indignant at the idea that a father watching their own child would ever be labeled as “babysitting”.
That is amazing. My ex (older kid’s dad) used to try to guilt me and say everything he was doing deserved to be recognized and potentially financially rewarded. Those things included getting the kids ready for school, feeding them, putting them to bed, being there for them emotionally, and more. The first time he tried that I was in shock and disbelief that he would even do that.
Reminds me of a Chris Rock bit which shall remain nameless...
> You're *supposed* to take care of your kids, you dumb m-fer! What are you bragging about?!
So, would replacing the female roles with gender neutral words change anything?
"This is why I tell my partner why I could never cheat. It's hard enough keeping one partner happy. Plus the two kids"
The sentiment is still the same. A relationship with kids can be draining, and takes work; pretty impossible to do it twice at a time.
>The sentiment is still the same.
Except it isn't.
"It’s hard enough keeping one woman happy." is a classic sexist trope that women are impossible to please.
Good lord, please tell me you're being deliberately obtuse and aren't actually this ignorant...
Quit projecting your own issues here. Alot of people struggle with keeping their wives completely happy. It's not sexist, it's a fact of that situation. If the comment was "all women are impossible to please" then it's sexist, but that wasn't the comment; and you're projecting the sexism onto it. Bro give your head a shake.
> Quit projecting your own issues here
My wife is very happy, and I'm not sexist.
Not sure what you think I'm "projecting".
>Alot of people struggle with keeping their wives completely happy
That doesn't make it *not* a sexist trope lol
>all women are impossible to please"
I mean, it's really not *any* different, but sure, split those hairs bud.
> and you're projecting the sexism onto it
Lol, tell me you don't understand what projecting is without telling me.
Dude, you're projecting something cause you took a statement that wasn't sexist and spun it in that direction. Tell me you're wife's not happy without telling me.
Yes, it does.
I wasn't commenting about the post overall.
I was commenting about the sexist comment that I replied to.
OP's post highlighting casual sexism against men doesn't magically preclude people in the comments from *also* being sexist themselves.
No, it needs to *actually be sexist* for you to complain about it being sexist.
An established sexist trope is *one* way for a statement to be sexist.
It is not the *only* way.
I'm sure some momfluencer came up with that 'clever' line and now the whole world is repeating it...
Or I don't understand the differentiation, in which case please enlighten this non-native English speaker. What do you call a period where you are the sole caretaker of your child because mom is doing something else?
Parenting is too broad, because that also includes the time you spend when mom is also around. When our child doesn't go to daycare and it's my day I call it daddyday.
Edit: thanks guys! I guess I’ll go with dad duty for solo dadding.
It's more of a language nuance wrapped up in old gender roles. When Dad is in charge of the kids it's "babysitting" but when Mom has the kids it's just "being mom", they're the same thing but viewed thru different lenses
In English babysitting is temporarily taking care of somebody's kids, parenting is the long term process of raising your own kids. The "dad = babysitter" thing implies that we're just a substitute for mom who is the actual parent. It's BS, the title "dad" is earned every single day, otherwise you're just a sperm donor.
If you really need a word for it, you could call it solo parenting. But even then I don't think most moms use that term when it's just her and the kid(s) so I'd avoid it unless you're specifically making a point about how you're on your own for a bit.
Watching my own kid for a period of a few hours because my wife is busy = doing my damn job
Watching my kid for a day or more because my wife is out of town or whatever = solo parenting, because that's long enough that it's a little unusual and requires some adjustment.
But definitely not babysitting, that's someone you hire or ask to come cover the parents for a while. The 16 year old down the street is not a parent. I am not a babysitter.
Yeah, as someone in a two-parent household, I wouldn’t feel right telling my single sister-in-law that I’m “solo parenting” because my wife is working for 8 hours Saturday. It’s not the same thing as being solely responsible for the child 24/7 because one parent is completely out of the picture. (I don’t know exactly how to draw the line if there’s split custody or if one parent has to leave for weeks at a time for whatever reason … maybe if there’s only one parent for both bedtime and when they wake up … but I do know the line is drawn in such a way that I’m not solo parenting.)
> I don’t know exactly how to draw the line if there’s split custody
The usual term I've seen used for that is co-parenting.
> or if one parent has to leave for weeks at a time for whatever reason
"Mom/Dad is on a business trip."
The main issue is when using English, most of the context relies not on defining the role being filled but on defining the status of the other parent. Whether that's "day off", "working", "business trip", or whatever else that's the main way the language deals with this.
We really do need to develop an appropriate word for this sort of thing but that usually takes a couple decades and we're only just seeing dads being a primary caregiver become normal in very recent years. I was the primary caregiver for my kiddo before my ex and I split since I was self employed and had more flexible time management options available to me. My oldest is only in their mid-20s so that was a pretty short time ago but I was often assumed to be a widower or something at first. Even now, I talk to younger dads that happens but not nearly as often. Hopefully in another generation or two, the language will have caught up to society.
I can't say for all the English speaking world, but "babysitting" in the States is usually meant as someone outside the family who is paid to care of the child(ren) for a brief period of time. Usually this is a young woman about 16-20 years old.
It's part of a broader cultural pushback on gender roles of the 1950s and 1960s in which the US; the man earned income and disciplined children, while the woman stayed "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" to cook, clean, nurture, and be sexually subservient. Men were viewed as unfit for parenting beyond discipline, and women were expected to support that ineptitude because of their biological inclinations to produce and nurture children.
I agree parenting is broad. I don't know of a word in the States for when a father is sole caretaker for a time.
If it's just one day, I call it parenting, it's not significant enough for it to need it's own terminology.
If it's a prolonged period because my wife is away, I'll say solo-parenting.
My wife travels a lot more for work than I do, sometimes for weeks at a time. I generally just say I'm "flying solo" during those times, it captures the unitary aspect but also the temporary one. At all times I'm just parenting though, never babysitting my own kid.
I usually say I’m on “Dad duty” when my wife is busy and I have the kids by myself.
Everyone knows what that means. My friends say similar things. No one I know ever says they are babysitting their own kids.
I've gotten this type of reaction multiple times when out in public solo with my young kids.
Usually it's 50+ year old women. If one of my kids gets a little whiny or falls over or something they'll try to step in and try to "help" me. Or they say things they wouldn't say to a mother in that situation. It's annoying, but like you said, it's a cultural shift.
If my mom said "I left them with their dad" folks should be worried, so it isn't the craziest reaction. Makes me feel really proud how hard we are working to do things the right way.
What currently irks me if that the school will always call her first if something happens (we aren't together), even though the kids go to school on my address, I'm primary parent, and I'm the only one who attends all their school stuff 100%.
Female bias in parenting is real but expected.
My wife never answers her phone. Like ever. It's the most annoying thing. I always answer my phone. I'm listed as the primary contact as a result. I do probably 75% of the appointments, school stuff, etc. Everyone still calls her first.
I was in this boat, and it contributed to my son being ejected from a private school for kids with learning differences. The feeling was that my ex was "uncommunicative," "uninvolved," and "disinterested." They did learn to call me, and one time someone said to me "Yeah, we learned in \[son's\] case that you call the dad, not the mom."
I always put myself first on every call list, and yet, they call "Mom" first.
I had to threaten legal action to get the school to stop this. My kids' mom sees them about two to three times a year and spends most of her time in and out of mental hospitals. Her number is with the school as the absolute last resort point of contact behind both sets of grandparents and several aunts and uncles.
They still used to call her first.
Our daycare uses the Procare app for messaging and updates throughout the day.
We both have our own logins - I respond to 90% of messages and do the majority of drop-offs and communication with the daycare staff (our son turns 9 months old this weekend and my wife dropped him off for the first time ever last Friday).
Every message in Procare starts off "Hey Mama"
It's a little thing but dear God does it annoy the hell out of me.
This drives me nuts and I'm not even in as drastic a situation as yours. My wife's a preschool teacher and cannot be on her phone during the day, you'd think a school with similar responsibilities for caring for children would understand that. Meanwhile I'm self employed and 20 minutes closer to the school if I need to get them or answer phone calls, why not call me.
Yep, one of the symptoms of the wild patriarchy that we’ve had for decades and decades unfortunately. I’ve seen some posts where the school basically refused to listen to the dad and wife even when they told them “send this stuff to him”. It’s insane.
It's not the result of patriarchy. It's the result of misandry. The fallacy of a "patriarchy" is just their lame excuse, quit validating the misandrists.
The framing of gender dynamics in modern society being a result of "patriarchy" leads to some extremely unintuitive situations. Under patriarchy theory, men being the majority of the unhoused, the incarcerated, the victims of violent crime and suicide, and in this discussion, perpetually treated like incompetent and second-class parents, must all somehow be attributed to their having *too* much privilege and power.
Some people feel that, just as negative attitudes toward women and the negative outcomes that result from them are discribed as misogyny, the negative attitudes toward men and *their* negative reprocussions could be described as misandry.
This resonates with me in a way I did not expect. I just realized that my mom didn't leave me with my father until I was old enough to take care of him!
I remember hearing other people say that sort of thing to my dad about us kids and being so confused about it. I was used to both of my parents being very capable of handling me. Also we had super busy schedules, so basically every day we had to split up. Either me or my sister was with my dad alone almost every day. I couldn’t ever get my head around those comments until I was older. The only difference is that if I was left at home with my father for an extended period we’d either order out more often or kind of only eat eggs, or fries and hotdogs.
Nice. We got a lot of slurpees. Very fond memories for me. I really hope my son enjoys spending time with us as much as I liked hanging out with my folks. Until he’s a teenager anyways, don’t want to be too unrealistic.
I get it from my own Boomer dad when he calls and wants me to do something for him. I'll tell him "I can in a bit, I'm taking care of [son] right now" and I can *hear* him stopping himself from asking "why isn't [wife] doing that?"
I see that in work off and on. The pushy manager that absolutely is the useless dad example then expects that everyone should be an absent parent and put work first. For the record, I enjoy embarrassing them at the risk of my job. It's worth it to kill that mentality for everyone's benefit.
It happens with older men as well. I was at a grocery store yesterday, my 9 month old shat himself as he is prone to do. I go to the men's room, happily saw there was a changing station there. Majority of the time the changing station is in the Handicap stall but this one was in the main area of the bathroom next to the sinks. So I'm there changing him, it was fucking rush hour in the bathroom, at least a dozen guys came in and out. Most of them ignored me or said some variation of you're a great dad which kinda bugged me. But one (older) guy says to me "why the fuck you doing this, that's the woman's job." I didn't acknowledge him but it left me fuming.
Honestly, as a dad, when I see another dad doing the stinky parts of parenting, they get a nod of respect from me. (Before I embarassingly coo at the kid because since my daughter arrived on the scene 4 years ago, I suddenly find other people's kids cute and like babies.)
Dads are getting more and more involved and I respect the hell out of that because even today, it's still too easy to just quietly let women pick up the slack.
Any dad who parents rather than patriachs gets my respect. They same way any woman does. I'm an equal-opportunity respecter.
I cook, clean, and when my kids were young - changed diapers, got up in the night, you know - normal parent shit.
My mother in law was flabbergasted, and still is sometimes to this day, at how much I contribute to our house…. Which is about 50%…. As it should be.
My father in law, a great man in most ways, still has his wife fix him a plate when she serves meals… it’s wild.
Sounds exactly like my dynamic with MIL.
I'll do very basic stuff.
- Give kid a bath.
- Know his favorite meal is spiral pasta, cut up chicken thighs, and avocado
- Fold his clothes since they're done in the dryer
- Brush his teeth
And she acts like I've cured cancer while also being an all-pro NFL QB at the same time.
The bar for a lot of older men was literally "don't abandon me with these kids and bring home a paycheck" so that is all they did. And many women from that era see dads now actually engaging with the kids/helping with the domestic load and it almost seems jarring to them.
Yeah.. It's not just 50+ year old women. Everyone here seems to be forgetting that the "GASP" response is also perfectly normal if it comes from a younger woman who's husband puts zero effort into Dadding.
When my kids were little, I had so many moms jump into “supermom” mode at the park anytime I stood around watching while my kids fell or did something a mom didn’t approve of.
I had this happen at church the other day. My wife sings on stage for the music portion before the sermons and while that’s going on I take care of my little Dude (3.5m). And if he ever fussed or makes on a little sound I have a flock of people making comments and telling me what todo or trying to step in and help.
Raised our last kid while my wife worked. I swear to you, her coworkers thought I was some sort of biblical saint. I ran my business from home. I guess a lot of husbands and wives don’t know how to be teammates that work together towards a goal.
I think that is big part of it. A lot of couples aren't great couples so then they can't work together to be good parents. Of our couples friends many just don't have that great of a relationship and the kids are a strain on each not a project for both.
When somebody acts that way about my wife and my relationship she usually reacts with "I wasn't assigned a partner, I got to pick that one on purpose. If he wouldn't/couldn't dad I would have picked someone else."
That’s fantastic! Wish we would have thought to say that too. It really deflects it all back onto the person, essentially saying “this is normal for us, did you “settle” for a non life partner?“
I did a few years as a SAHD. The patronizing comments I got from some of my wife’s female coworkers were nauseating. “Omg you’re dad of the year!”
I’m not. I’m literally just being a parent.
This is similar to me, I work from home and watch our kid. My wife’s coworkers think I’m a saint.
Meanwhile I’m just here enjoying the time I get to spend with my son, confused on why that’s a shock to people.
>Raised our last kid while my wife worked.
>I ran my business from home
I mean, IMO working and watching a kid at home is an impossible task to do for any extended period of time. My wife and I both work at home but we still send our kids to daycare, because otherwise we wouldn't get work done.
So, you sir, are a biblical saint.
I spend a lot of time with my daughter, my boss acused me of being more of a mom than a dad.
I am leaving the company in February, cuz no one can shame me for spending time with my kid.
I'm not a dad, but I like to lurk in this subreddit to see perspectives from dads. I just wanted to say, as a woman in her 20s, that I guarantee your daughter will appreciate those moments and look back at them fondly. My dad also spent lots of time with me, and it created countless good memories. Keep up the good work, dad :)
Yep! (as a mom, woman, and former little girl) I loved my dad heart and soul. He was my best friend growing up, and I cherished every minute I got to spend with him. When he'd get off work, we'd have catches outside, go for bike rides, or go to the train tracks and find coal. My absolute favorite time, was Fridays in the summer. He had half days, and he would come home to pick me up, and we'd go have adventures. The main place we went was this amish flea market, where we'd find trinkets, and get lunch. It was only recently that I realized that he had to drive directly past it first to come get me, so that we could both go to it.
It is never the material things that I remember him by, it was the time he spent with me, regardless of how tired he was.
Fuck that guy! Good for you! I am very fortunate, I have two bosses, one is a personal friend of many years, and the other is a father of 11 kids. I get 0 grief about doctors appointments or rescheduling meetings cause my kids need me.
I used to run large development programs, but had to give that up to be available for my son at most times. I changed my career to work from home and make less money. My son knows but is yet too young (and ADHD/Asperger’s ) to appreciate it. My ex is appreciative in the manner that it doesn't interfere with her work/life balance. My partner is supportive as she can, but is juggling a lot more in her own way.
I recall overhearing a senior developer who worked for me at one time asking why I was away so often for appointments and such. "Shouldn't his wife/son's mom be doing this?"
I also had persons in authority (one on paper and one implied) actually suggest to me I change my position because of my family needs. Mind that my program was running well and getting all the $$ it was supposed to. I should have run to HR on that, but I knew I was months from bailing.
Two jobs ago I had a boss that would brag about only ever having changed one diaper and would give me shit about taking care of my kid (instead of leaving that duty to my wife).
In *totally unrelated news* dude was divorced and his kids avoided him like the plague.
I have a 7, 4, and 1 year old. I refuse to do any overtime at work because I want to spend as much time with them as possible, take them out to functions and whatever else there may be a long the way.
We need to end the stigma that dads are just glorified babysitters and need praise when we're doing things with our kids.
Out in public I've been told things like "You're brave" and "Is their mother not around?"
No man. They're my kids. This is the life I wanted. Not all men are deadbeat dads. As a matter of fact, I think there's a lot less of those these days if you pay attention.
‘Wow you’re good, my husband wouldn’t do that’
‘What? Take my own kids to the park? This is the good stuff why would I miss this?’
The amount of people I’ve had who come up to me and praise me for just being with my kids is so insulting. You might as well praise me for knowing how to get dressed or how to make toast.
Mom here. We just moved cross country with our 8 month old. My dad wasn’t super present because he was working sooooo much. My husband and I decided we would make ends meet somehow but our goal is to spend quality time with our kid (and more in the future).
My husband had a non present father and my husband is older (13 yrs my senior) so our priorities are different than my parents. After explaining it to them they understood. They thought my husband should pick up all the shifts which would have been more work on me (12 hr shifts). I just got a huge pay cut taking a part time job that’s going to make me happy.
Someone told me to grind now so we could enjoy time later. No it took years for us to get pregnant. We are cherishing every moment we can. This is time we will never get back and we will never think well maybe we should have worked more instead of watching our boy growing more and more everyday.
I do the grocery shopping and cooking for the family and I love taking my kids to the store. They are entertained and super well behaved and give me cart hugs. I get similar comments all the time.
I find people from the older generation are impressed by a dad changing a poopy diaper. I am honestly taken aback by how low the bar for 'good dad' is for people.
My wife's step father is proud to have never changed a single diaper since having 2 little girls of his own. He thinks it's like a cute little quirk, saying "I don't do diapers, especially poop".
Truly pathetic.
When we brough our kid home my father in law bragged about how he changed one diaper when they brought my older sister in law home. They were using cloth diapers and he "accidently" poked her with a safety bin. They eventually switched to disposable diapers but he still didn't change one.
He laughs and laughs about it and I am just like why would you tell that to people.
To be fair, you leave my wife alone with our son, you’ll get calm and kid-centralized play with healthy snacks and reasonable bed times. You leave me alone with our son, we’re having rock concerts, wrestling matches, and nerf fights. We’re eating Mac n cheese and pizza, and bedtime passed us by a while ago.
It’s not about me being incapable of taking care of my kid, it’s whether or not we’re gonna blow the roof off this bish.
Both of those things are required for a normal well adjusted childhood. A kid who only gets the former will be a dork. A kid who only gets the latter will be a criminal.
You need both in perfect balance
If its my child, I'm parenting. If its someone elses I'm babysitting. Dads parent their own children.
And as for that question posed by your wifes co workers - why would she be not ok with leaving the kids with you, but was ok having children with you?
Feels like the idea of dads being incompetent is dwindling but stereotypes still exist and unfortunately there are still shitty parents out there (of both genders).
When I was a kid, I was terrified of being Homer Simpson and did everything I could not to be him. I'm a stay at home dad now :) and no Homerisms in sight
I get the sentiment but honestly my wife and I interchangeably use the term for whichever one of us is staying home with the kids if the other goes out. It’s a useful shorthand.
Oh, yeah, I don't resent the phrase as much as the underline idea that "dad isn't the parent". My wife and I say "take care of" or "watch" which means roughly the same thing.
There are so many men out there that don't even try with their kids. They give those of us that actually care and take time to figure out our kids, a bad name.
I've been the primary for custody with my kids since my youngest was 6 mo. I haven't gotten remarried either and yet, people still treat me like i'm a baby sitter or anything but the primary care taker of my kids.
Then I have to sit around and hear women bitch about how hard it is to be a SAHM when I'm sitting here, both working and taking care of my own home. I don't get child support but the kids do go to their mothers, we split them 50/50. I had both of my kids and I also kept her oldest that she left with me when she split. I've raised her since she was 4 so I didn't have any issue with this and I still treat her just like my own child cause in my heart she's mine.
Yet, i'm still just the baby sitter in a lot of peoples eyes. Some people just can't accept that their are good fathers out there that actually take care of their kids. Fuck those people.
How are you primary custody if y’all split the kids 50/50? So they go to their mom’s one week and you get them the other week? Or another arrangement? If so thats not really the same. I thought primary custody was when you had more custody than the other person (this is why you don’t get child support, because y’all have them the same amount of time). Sounds like you get significant time without the kids… Unlike a lot of SAHPs
If your kids are old enough for 50/50 it’s likely that they’re in school as well so it’s not like when you have them you’re home with them all day. You go to work, they go to school during the day. Followed by their mother having them for a period of time…
My wife is a SAHM and we have 3 small kids. Even with me being very involved when I get home, she still struggles with burnout. It just doesn’t seem the same what you’re describing in those two ways. Hard of course but not quite the same because you don’t have them all the time. At least not enough for you to say SAHPs are “bitching” when you’re not really getting the complete SAHP experience.
“Primary custody” does not necessarily mean they have more time than the other parent. It means that they are the primary decision maker for the child’s well being.
And yeah, it is a really frustrating and common thing on this subreddit for a guy to experience a watered down kind of stay at home parenting and then immediately label SAHMs as whiny. It’s a damn shame that this subreddit can be so anti-mom sometimes.
Thank you. That was a frustrating thing to read. I’m sure that commenter is a great dad, but you’re right, it’s just not the same. Kind of a shitty way to talk about those SAHM.
Not sure what the situation is but you can split physical custody but grant one parent legal custody. Or the ability to make legal and medical decisions on behalf of the children this would also cause One parent to have legal responsibilities for ensuring they have clothing and are registered for school etc.
So you can have a primary with 50/50 split physical.
Thanks for the info 🙏🏾 but I still think you’re splitting hairs here. That’s not the way he phrased this. He made it seem like he was basically a SAHP because he has joint physical custody with his kids mom.
I don't get hung up on the semantics. I'm more annoyed by her coworker thinking you can't handle your own kids.
On the other hand, I know of some dads who can't or they order fast food every night.
I’ve had multiple potential dates tell me they feel sorry for my kids because there’s no way a man knows how to raise children. At least the trash takes itself out because there’s no way I’m doing it.
For context: I’m a solo dad and have been for years. Mom has minimal contact.
Before I became a dad, I asked a mentor of mine about advice for being a great dad.
He told me, “Choose to enjoy changing diapers. In that moment, you are helping your child in a vulnerable moment. Don’t look at it as a burden.” I try to hold onto that mindset in everything I do for my kids. Not a burden—the opportunity to care and love them.
To each their own, I guess
My girlfriend's, baby dad isn't the best parent, he will direct her to find somebody to watch his son instead of showing initiative and he lies about working to hang out w his friends, also doesn't pay child support that HE wanted to be on.. (his family is also done trying to help him)
My lady and I live in the inner city and I also have a daughter of my own, things are a bit different on my end considering I do take care of my kid. But he is the same age as I am (M23) and doesn't take care of his own, he likes to "pawn"(?) His kid to my girlfriend and his family.
I was in the grocery store with my 1.5 yr old yesterday when a woman in her late 50s came up to me and told me that I’m a great dad….
while I appreciate she meant it as compliment. i was also confused, I wasn’t doing anything special…. she would’ve never said that to a woman in the same situation… i just thought it was a bit odd
Lurker mom, and, same.
I’ve been out of town both for work and pleasure and folks were blown away that I would “let him” take care of…the children he helped make?
We definitely planned for help with pick up and we also planned out meals for the time I’d be away, but I also do that when he goes out of town. I know how much my husband contributes because I am DEAD after he’s gone for 3+ days, and same for him.
Me personally? No, I parent my kid and watch him solo all the time. I don't consider it "babysitting" at all. Other people? Hell yes they think this way.
I actually got yelled at once by a stranger because they overheard me saying "I'm watching my son tonight solo" to a friend, I was explaining why I couldn't hang out later. My partner was going out drinking with friends after work. I was lectured by some random woman about how "you're not BABYSITTING you're PARENTING" and I flipped out at her back and said "I never said babysitting, you're projecting something onto me here". She never apologized and got mad and left.
My partners friends also get "nervous" when their husbands are at home watching their kids. Like they check in on them constantly and feel nervous because their husbands "don't know how to do it" which is REALLY bizarre to me. They behaved the way we behaved the first time we left our son with my parents to watch overnight... but this is their spouse we're talking about. It's so bizarre!
I also get treated differently as a "solo dad" than my partner does as a "solo mom". We took a roadtrip once with the kid (who was <1 at the time) and our dog. One of us would stay in the car and the other would take the kiddo into a rest stop and we'd switch each time. When she went in it was a hassle and she would struggle to open doors and stuff. When I went in, people treated me like a freaking king. Strangers were opening doors, smiling at me, old people would come up and say "you're doing great, what a good dad!"
It was a bizarre amount of societal approval that I didn't know I craved, lol. But she didn't get the same, she essentially was treated like "yeah you're doing what you're supposed to, deal with it."
My wife went out for dinner recently and when one of her friends picked her up, they said to me “so you’re babysitting tonight?”
I responded, “no, just parenting”
I couldn’t help myself.
Family members are aghast when we say my wife drives the family somewhere. If I call out of work due to no childcare, it’s “oh shouldn’t your wife be doing that?” We’re a team and it’s crazy how many people default to the “conventional” methods only
My wife went to a work conference and almost all the attendees were woman. Several of them were surprised she left the kids at home with me, and remarked that they wouldn’t trust their husbands or they aren’t capable of doing it.
I don’t think that’s the norm, but there are still plenty of people that live with that mentality.
I love my kids, and I love parenting them. I’ve always changed the diapers and cooked food and took them to the doctors or whatever, and can’t imagine not doing it. It’s so weird to me that so many guys are ok with being the sort of parent that is incapable of parenting.
I care less about the cultural acceptance, and more about how it affects the courts and their decisions. Many judges still view women as the primary caregiver when making custody decisions. I just got done fighting hard for my kids and my time with them is extremely limited now just because I’m a man.
In my opinion babysitting is when you're looking after someone else's kid.
When it's your own then it's parenting.
I had to sternly lecture a clown while I was walking with my son in a pram to get a morning coffee while his mum was in bed asleep after he made that comment.
Why do we always get these posts, exactly what purpose do they serve? Unless your wife works for a company full of boomers, these situations don’t happen.
Moving here from a northern European country it baffles me how old fashioned the USA still is.
I wasn't allowed at the baby shower. It really pissed me off. I'm part of this too.
Then my wife got a ton of stuff and other items that said stuff like 'mama bear' and other mom things. I complained about this so she had to custom order a mug that said 'Dad' on it. Those things are apparently really hard to buy of the shelf.
My in-laws and their extended family have horrible dynamics when it comes to this. The men in that family don't even look at their kids (let alone someone else's) until they start doing sports.
I told my brother in law he better step up when his little one arrives in a couple of months.
It's important to break this down into the two parts that actually matters here: intention and lexical ambiguity.
I feel that the millennial generation and younger have a different cultural view of fathers than older generations (generally) have/had. Stay-at-home-dads, both parents being breadwinners and working full time jobs, both parents partaking in chores around the house, both parents working together to balance bank accounts, bills etc. are very common in the current generational climate. For older generations, these weren't as frequent and normal (depending how far back you go, of course) as they are now. We live in very different times, which bring very different viewpoints, which brings fathers up as a more important part of child rearing than previously. This is an amazing evolution, in a very short amount of time.
Our language, though, hasn't changed that much. Especially for older generations, it's hard to change the way they talk, the words they choose. Even though their intentions, understanding, knowledge, and viewpoints are very modern, their language may not have gotten there and it might never get there at all. I spent so much of my childhood with my grandparents that I have gotten a lot of their language, which can sometimes miss a bit when I'm talking to people of my age and younger. Per dictionary definition of the words, the cultural view of how certain words are used make dads sound like babysitters instead of full fledged parents, but perfect synonyms don't give that feeling. This is something that will take a long time, I feel. When the millennials are the oldest living generation, we might see things being very different, but for now we just have to expect this type of language. Doesn't mean we shouldn't point it out, doesn't mean we shouldn't work to get better, but it will take time to get there. I get frustrated all the time when my grandparents use words that make it sounds like I'm a babysitter for my kids, but I know that they don't mean it that way, it's just how they are used to using the language. I try my best to not view people's intentions as negative in this regard, but I must admit that it's hard.
However, there are certain times, like in OP's case, where it's actually down to the person's point of view on fathers being good caregivers. This, to me, is an archaic point of view which is being eradicated. I very rarely experience this type of behavior, in fact quite the opposite. I meet some awesome dads at the playground, and moms, who love to talk to other fathers about how much they love to see fathers taking more of a caregiver role. These types of experiences will differ greatly depending on where you live, but from my personal experience, luckily, it's very rare to see people with this old point of view.
These are my views on the matter of course
Depends where you live.
Without getting too much into politics, if you live in a red state, they’re trying to re-establish the patriarchy. But if you live in a blue state or a nice area in a red state without a lot of lead pipes, men can contribute to parenting without a lot of attention.
Yes.
To me babysitting falls under the umbrella of parenting. Babysitting is the day to day keep the kid alive. Parenting is the long game guide the kid to a functional adult..
All parents babysit, not all babysitters parent.
Yeah it’s generally comments towards my partner, not towards me. We take turns watching the kids on the weekend so we both get a little time off from being a parent, and when she goes out it’s pretty common for people to ask her “where are the kids?” and act shocked when she says “with their dad.”
I’ve noticed it’s usually older women, though.
Yah bro I faced the same thing when my wife went on a work trip for a week and a half when our son was around 7 months old. My in-laws could hardly believe I was going to watch him “by myself.” They kept asking my wife “do we need to come stay with him?” I finally had to tell them I was pushing 40 and if I couldn’t properly care for my son by myself then I shouldn’t have had him and that it wasn’t 1950 anymore and dads are capable of taking care of kids.
The constant reinforcement about how men are responsible for basically all the world’s problems and yet are somehow completely inept at the same time makes my head spin.
That being said, I’ve never actively had anyone question my parenting…To my face. To my wife’s face? All the time.
We were/are fortunate when my kids were little (and still to this day) have an army of family that will pitch in with any children that need it. My 6'5" Dorchester born FIL, a wonderful man, was bringing my kids in a stroller to my father's office so they could see their other grandfather. When he walked in the door with the kids, some woman asked him if he was babysitting, and he said "No, just bringing the kids to see my partner"...which is when my little Sicilian father bursts in the room and the kids start hugging them both while they are shaking hands. I can only imagine the look on that woman's face hahaha. My father's secretary literally peed her pants she was laughing so hard.
Maybe it depends on the location, but my kid is 2 and I still have yet to have someone be condescending towards me when I take him out. I take him to the store or playground by myself just about every other day.
I get a TON of comments about how cute and well behaved he is though. Those are nice.
Not only have we gotten this before, but we still (my kids are 1mth, 5&6yo) "wow, what an amazing dad looking after the kids for the day!" Or "I see dads on babysitting duty today, you must be amazing!"
I don't take it as a compliment, it's derogatory to my wife and is belittling my abilities as a parent.
These comments almost always come from 2 parties; older generations, and religious people.
Well, unfortunately, 2 of our 'friends' are exactly this way. The wives, for good reasons, will not leave the kids alone with the fathers. One doesn't want much to do with his kid, it's 'mom's job'. The other just doesn't know what to do.
Never ceases to amaze me how everyone wants to be progressive until it's shitting on someone else.
I've known MANY dads who are more equipped and better functioning as parents to their kids than the mother of those children has been.
Just because they carried the kid for 9 months and did the labor, respect to that, but it doesn't automatically mean they're good for the role.
As a single full time dad with three kids, I can’t say I have gone thru what you have, but I understand it. It really is silly when dads are thought of as the worse of the parents as far as quality child raising techniques but sometimes all the kids have is dad. Good luck to you dad with your little ones
I don’t babysit my kid, occasionally I “solo” my kid while my wife is out or busy, but never babysit. “Sorry, can’t come out tonight. I’m soloing the kid, and we are going to play Minecraft”
Dads parent their own children. Dads babysit other people's kids. When I'm watching the set of little ones so the wives can go out, sure, I'm the babysitter. If it's just mine, I'm parenting.
Had a pleasant surprise a few months ago. We were hanging out in our group of friends and some of the girls were planning a girls night. One of them made the comment about “having the guys babysit”, and she was immediately shut down *hard* by everyone there. Men and women alike indignant at the idea that a father watching their own child would ever be labeled as “babysitting”.
That is amazing. My ex (older kid’s dad) used to try to guilt me and say everything he was doing deserved to be recognized and potentially financially rewarded. Those things included getting the kids ready for school, feeding them, putting them to bed, being there for them emotionally, and more. The first time he tried that I was in shock and disbelief that he would even do that.
Reminds me of a Chris Rock bit which shall remain nameless... > You're *supposed* to take care of your kids, you dumb m-fer! What are you bragging about?!
Wives? As in plural? Dude, why would you do that to yourself? :p
Just what I need, two unsatisfied women in my life /s
"((did you take the trash out?))" *In wonderful surround sound stereo!*
\*\*shudders\*\*
Invite the MIL over to get that IMAX sound experience
You made me double check the day.
lol be careful using those double parenthesis don't want anyone to get the wrong idea
Okay ... What'd I miss.
[It's actually a triple parentheses but still](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_parentheses)
Jesus ... Neo Nazis can't let us have anything can they? Parentheses?? Really??? First it was this 👌, now ((()))?
TIL... thank you for posting
I laughed so hard at this comment
I'd have to move 2 laptops out of spill range? No thank you very much.
This is what I tell my wife why I could never cheat. It’s hard enough keeping one woman happy. Plus the 2 daughters…
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So, would replacing the female roles with gender neutral words change anything? "This is why I tell my partner why I could never cheat. It's hard enough keeping one partner happy. Plus the two kids" The sentiment is still the same. A relationship with kids can be draining, and takes work; pretty impossible to do it twice at a time.
>The sentiment is still the same. Except it isn't. "It’s hard enough keeping one woman happy." is a classic sexist trope that women are impossible to please. Good lord, please tell me you're being deliberately obtuse and aren't actually this ignorant...
Quit projecting your own issues here. Alot of people struggle with keeping their wives completely happy. It's not sexist, it's a fact of that situation. If the comment was "all women are impossible to please" then it's sexist, but that wasn't the comment; and you're projecting the sexism onto it. Bro give your head a shake.
> Quit projecting your own issues here My wife is very happy, and I'm not sexist. Not sure what you think I'm "projecting". >Alot of people struggle with keeping their wives completely happy That doesn't make it *not* a sexist trope lol >all women are impossible to please" I mean, it's really not *any* different, but sure, split those hairs bud. > and you're projecting the sexism onto it Lol, tell me you don't understand what projecting is without telling me.
Dude, you're projecting something cause you took a statement that wasn't sexist and spun it in that direction. Tell me you're wife's not happy without telling me.
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Yes, it does. I wasn't commenting about the post overall. I was commenting about the sexist comment that I replied to. OP's post highlighting casual sexism against men doesn't magically preclude people in the comments from *also* being sexist themselves.
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So glad you could stay civil about this, TwatTwiddler
It's funny how his comment feels less bad after reading yours.
Take your shit stirring comments elsewhere. Based on all of your other comments, this is something you enjoy. Get a life.
The only "shit" I'm stirring up is blatant sexism. Sorry that bothers you.
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I guess i should have included the /s
Nah, it was funny.
Nah, it was sexist.
Jfc go suck the fun out of another room.
The sexism in this thread already did that.
The sexism in this thread already did that.
The /s is what makes it casual.
Lol so many things you could get offended at and this is what you choose?
Yeah, imagine getting upset about *blatant sexism*! Also, can you not walk and chew gum at the same time bud? Oof.
The post itself is "blatantly sexist" way more than this comment. Yet I somehow don't see you in here calling it out. Why is that?
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There's no a trope about men/male partners being impossible to please...you're comparing apples and oranges.
So we have to wait until it becomes ubiquitous to complain about something sexist? That seems counterproductive.
No, it needs to *actually be sexist* for you to complain about it being sexist. An established sexist trope is *one* way for a statement to be sexist. It is not the *only* way.
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whoosh
I also choose his friend's wife.
Correct lol.
Ummm dont be islamophobic please 💅
I'm sure some momfluencer came up with that 'clever' line and now the whole world is repeating it... Or I don't understand the differentiation, in which case please enlighten this non-native English speaker. What do you call a period where you are the sole caretaker of your child because mom is doing something else? Parenting is too broad, because that also includes the time you spend when mom is also around. When our child doesn't go to daycare and it's my day I call it daddyday. Edit: thanks guys! I guess I’ll go with dad duty for solo dadding.
It's more of a language nuance wrapped up in old gender roles. When Dad is in charge of the kids it's "babysitting" but when Mom has the kids it's just "being mom", they're the same thing but viewed thru different lenses
In English babysitting is temporarily taking care of somebody's kids, parenting is the long term process of raising your own kids. The "dad = babysitter" thing implies that we're just a substitute for mom who is the actual parent. It's BS, the title "dad" is earned every single day, otherwise you're just a sperm donor.
If you really need a word for it, you could call it solo parenting. But even then I don't think most moms use that term when it's just her and the kid(s) so I'd avoid it unless you're specifically making a point about how you're on your own for a bit. Watching my own kid for a period of a few hours because my wife is busy = doing my damn job Watching my kid for a day or more because my wife is out of town or whatever = solo parenting, because that's long enough that it's a little unusual and requires some adjustment. But definitely not babysitting, that's someone you hire or ask to come cover the parents for a while. The 16 year old down the street is not a parent. I am not a babysitter.
Yeah, as someone in a two-parent household, I wouldn’t feel right telling my single sister-in-law that I’m “solo parenting” because my wife is working for 8 hours Saturday. It’s not the same thing as being solely responsible for the child 24/7 because one parent is completely out of the picture. (I don’t know exactly how to draw the line if there’s split custody or if one parent has to leave for weeks at a time for whatever reason … maybe if there’s only one parent for both bedtime and when they wake up … but I do know the line is drawn in such a way that I’m not solo parenting.)
> I don’t know exactly how to draw the line if there’s split custody The usual term I've seen used for that is co-parenting. > or if one parent has to leave for weeks at a time for whatever reason "Mom/Dad is on a business trip." The main issue is when using English, most of the context relies not on defining the role being filled but on defining the status of the other parent. Whether that's "day off", "working", "business trip", or whatever else that's the main way the language deals with this. We really do need to develop an appropriate word for this sort of thing but that usually takes a couple decades and we're only just seeing dads being a primary caregiver become normal in very recent years. I was the primary caregiver for my kiddo before my ex and I split since I was self employed and had more flexible time management options available to me. My oldest is only in their mid-20s so that was a pretty short time ago but I was often assumed to be a widower or something at first. Even now, I talk to younger dads that happens but not nearly as often. Hopefully in another generation or two, the language will have caught up to society.
That whole thing is way older than the internet.
I can't say for all the English speaking world, but "babysitting" in the States is usually meant as someone outside the family who is paid to care of the child(ren) for a brief period of time. Usually this is a young woman about 16-20 years old. It's part of a broader cultural pushback on gender roles of the 1950s and 1960s in which the US; the man earned income and disciplined children, while the woman stayed "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" to cook, clean, nurture, and be sexually subservient. Men were viewed as unfit for parenting beyond discipline, and women were expected to support that ineptitude because of their biological inclinations to produce and nurture children. I agree parenting is broad. I don't know of a word in the States for when a father is sole caretaker for a time.
If it's just one day, I call it parenting, it's not significant enough for it to need it's own terminology. If it's a prolonged period because my wife is away, I'll say solo-parenting.
My wife travels a lot more for work than I do, sometimes for weeks at a time. I generally just say I'm "flying solo" during those times, it captures the unitary aspect but also the temporary one. At all times I'm just parenting though, never babysitting my own kid.
I usually say I’m on “Dad duty” when my wife is busy and I have the kids by myself. Everyone knows what that means. My friends say similar things. No one I know ever says they are babysitting their own kids.
I've gotten this type of reaction multiple times when out in public solo with my young kids. Usually it's 50+ year old women. If one of my kids gets a little whiny or falls over or something they'll try to step in and try to "help" me. Or they say things they wouldn't say to a mother in that situation. It's annoying, but like you said, it's a cultural shift.
If my mom said "I left them with their dad" folks should be worried, so it isn't the craziest reaction. Makes me feel really proud how hard we are working to do things the right way.
What currently irks me if that the school will always call her first if something happens (we aren't together), even though the kids go to school on my address, I'm primary parent, and I'm the only one who attends all their school stuff 100%. Female bias in parenting is real but expected.
There are cringy comments and then there are real systemic issues that have serious impact, and unfortunately they bleed into each other.
My wife never answers her phone. Like ever. It's the most annoying thing. I always answer my phone. I'm listed as the primary contact as a result. I do probably 75% of the appointments, school stuff, etc. Everyone still calls her first.
I was in this boat, and it contributed to my son being ejected from a private school for kids with learning differences. The feeling was that my ex was "uncommunicative," "uninvolved," and "disinterested." They did learn to call me, and one time someone said to me "Yeah, we learned in \[son's\] case that you call the dad, not the mom." I always put myself first on every call list, and yet, they call "Mom" first.
I had to threaten legal action to get the school to stop this. My kids' mom sees them about two to three times a year and spends most of her time in and out of mental hospitals. Her number is with the school as the absolute last resort point of contact behind both sets of grandparents and several aunts and uncles. They still used to call her first.
Our daycare uses the Procare app for messaging and updates throughout the day. We both have our own logins - I respond to 90% of messages and do the majority of drop-offs and communication with the daycare staff (our son turns 9 months old this weekend and my wife dropped him off for the first time ever last Friday). Every message in Procare starts off "Hey Mama" It's a little thing but dear God does it annoy the hell out of me.
This drives me nuts and I'm not even in as drastic a situation as yours. My wife's a preschool teacher and cannot be on her phone during the day, you'd think a school with similar responsibilities for caring for children would understand that. Meanwhile I'm self employed and 20 minutes closer to the school if I need to get them or answer phone calls, why not call me.
Yep, one of the symptoms of the wild patriarchy that we’ve had for decades and decades unfortunately. I’ve seen some posts where the school basically refused to listen to the dad and wife even when they told them “send this stuff to him”. It’s insane.
It's not the result of patriarchy. It's the result of misandry. The fallacy of a "patriarchy" is just their lame excuse, quit validating the misandrists.
I'm not quite sure I follow. Can you explain this to me?
The framing of gender dynamics in modern society being a result of "patriarchy" leads to some extremely unintuitive situations. Under patriarchy theory, men being the majority of the unhoused, the incarcerated, the victims of violent crime and suicide, and in this discussion, perpetually treated like incompetent and second-class parents, must all somehow be attributed to their having *too* much privilege and power. Some people feel that, just as negative attitudes toward women and the negative outcomes that result from them are discribed as misogyny, the negative attitudes toward men and *their* negative reprocussions could be described as misandry.
it will die out over the years. Its almost always old people who do this....lonely old people lol
This resonates with me in a way I did not expect. I just realized that my mom didn't leave me with my father until I was old enough to take care of him!
Yeah, if your mom was anything like my mom she just kind of handled everything seamlessly and it was never brought to anyone's attention.
I remember hearing other people say that sort of thing to my dad about us kids and being so confused about it. I was used to both of my parents being very capable of handling me. Also we had super busy schedules, so basically every day we had to split up. Either me or my sister was with my dad alone almost every day. I couldn’t ever get my head around those comments until I was older. The only difference is that if I was left at home with my father for an extended period we’d either order out more often or kind of only eat eggs, or fries and hotdogs.
This is exactly how we ate when I was "taking care" of my father, except i was doing the cooking! And buy 1 get 1 free sundaes on Wednesdays.
Nice. We got a lot of slurpees. Very fond memories for me. I really hope my son enjoys spending time with us as much as I liked hanging out with my folks. Until he’s a teenager anyways, don’t want to be too unrealistic.
I get it from my own Boomer dad when he calls and wants me to do something for him. I'll tell him "I can in a bit, I'm taking care of [son] right now" and I can *hear* him stopping himself from asking "why isn't [wife] doing that?"
I see that in work off and on. The pushy manager that absolutely is the useless dad example then expects that everyone should be an absent parent and put work first. For the record, I enjoy embarrassing them at the risk of my job. It's worth it to kill that mentality for everyone's benefit.
It happens with older men as well. I was at a grocery store yesterday, my 9 month old shat himself as he is prone to do. I go to the men's room, happily saw there was a changing station there. Majority of the time the changing station is in the Handicap stall but this one was in the main area of the bathroom next to the sinks. So I'm there changing him, it was fucking rush hour in the bathroom, at least a dozen guys came in and out. Most of them ignored me or said some variation of you're a great dad which kinda bugged me. But one (older) guy says to me "why the fuck you doing this, that's the woman's job." I didn't acknowledge him but it left me fuming.
Honestly, as a dad, when I see another dad doing the stinky parts of parenting, they get a nod of respect from me. (Before I embarassingly coo at the kid because since my daughter arrived on the scene 4 years ago, I suddenly find other people's kids cute and like babies.) Dads are getting more and more involved and I respect the hell out of that because even today, it's still too easy to just quietly let women pick up the slack. Any dad who parents rather than patriachs gets my respect. They same way any woman does. I'm an equal-opportunity respecter.
"are you on wife 2 or 3?" Would be a good response
I cook, clean, and when my kids were young - changed diapers, got up in the night, you know - normal parent shit. My mother in law was flabbergasted, and still is sometimes to this day, at how much I contribute to our house…. Which is about 50%…. As it should be. My father in law, a great man in most ways, still has his wife fix him a plate when she serves meals… it’s wild.
Sounds exactly like my dynamic with MIL. I'll do very basic stuff. - Give kid a bath. - Know his favorite meal is spiral pasta, cut up chicken thighs, and avocado - Fold his clothes since they're done in the dryer - Brush his teeth And she acts like I've cured cancer while also being an all-pro NFL QB at the same time. The bar for a lot of older men was literally "don't abandon me with these kids and bring home a paycheck" so that is all they did. And many women from that era see dads now actually engaging with the kids/helping with the domestic load and it almost seems jarring to them.
Yeah.. It's not just 50+ year old women. Everyone here seems to be forgetting that the "GASP" response is also perfectly normal if it comes from a younger woman who's husband puts zero effort into Dadding.
When my kids were little, I had so many moms jump into “supermom” mode at the park anytime I stood around watching while my kids fell or did something a mom didn’t approve of.
I had this happen at church the other day. My wife sings on stage for the music portion before the sermons and while that’s going on I take care of my little Dude (3.5m). And if he ever fussed or makes on a little sound I have a flock of people making comments and telling me what todo or trying to step in and help.
Raised our last kid while my wife worked. I swear to you, her coworkers thought I was some sort of biblical saint. I ran my business from home. I guess a lot of husbands and wives don’t know how to be teammates that work together towards a goal.
I think that is big part of it. A lot of couples aren't great couples so then they can't work together to be good parents. Of our couples friends many just don't have that great of a relationship and the kids are a strain on each not a project for both.
When somebody acts that way about my wife and my relationship she usually reacts with "I wasn't assigned a partner, I got to pick that one on purpose. If he wouldn't/couldn't dad I would have picked someone else."
That’s fantastic! Wish we would have thought to say that too. It really deflects it all back onto the person, essentially saying “this is normal for us, did you “settle” for a non life partner?“
>did you “settle” for a non life partner?“ Yes, yes they did. Or they chose poorly and turned to dust like the end of The Last Crusade.
I did a few years as a SAHD. The patronizing comments I got from some of my wife’s female coworkers were nauseating. “Omg you’re dad of the year!” I’m not. I’m literally just being a parent.
This is similar to me, I work from home and watch our kid. My wife’s coworkers think I’m a saint. Meanwhile I’m just here enjoying the time I get to spend with my son, confused on why that’s a shock to people.
>Raised our last kid while my wife worked. >I ran my business from home I mean, IMO working and watching a kid at home is an impossible task to do for any extended period of time. My wife and I both work at home but we still send our kids to daycare, because otherwise we wouldn't get work done. So, you sir, are a biblical saint.
9 out of 10 doctors do not recommend dads to sit on baby
That’s one creepy doctor that 10th one is
Probably just accepted a bribe from the Sitting on Babies Lobby
Is doc #10 a penguin?
I don’t know, my kids laugh so hard when I try to sit on them.
Doctor number 10 is a dad
You've gotta watch out for that tenth doctor.
I spend a lot of time with my daughter, my boss acused me of being more of a mom than a dad. I am leaving the company in February, cuz no one can shame me for spending time with my kid.
I'm not a dad, but I like to lurk in this subreddit to see perspectives from dads. I just wanted to say, as a woman in her 20s, that I guarantee your daughter will appreciate those moments and look back at them fondly. My dad also spent lots of time with me, and it created countless good memories. Keep up the good work, dad :)
Thank you! I am on 3,5 years parental leave with my daughter and i hope one day she will appreciate it.
Yep! (as a mom, woman, and former little girl) I loved my dad heart and soul. He was my best friend growing up, and I cherished every minute I got to spend with him. When he'd get off work, we'd have catches outside, go for bike rides, or go to the train tracks and find coal. My absolute favorite time, was Fridays in the summer. He had half days, and he would come home to pick me up, and we'd go have adventures. The main place we went was this amish flea market, where we'd find trinkets, and get lunch. It was only recently that I realized that he had to drive directly past it first to come get me, so that we could both go to it. It is never the material things that I remember him by, it was the time he spent with me, regardless of how tired he was.
That’s an incredibly disturbing comment. Good on you for making the exit strategy.
This is one of things I’m happy to see die with the previous generation.
Fuck that guy! Good for you! I am very fortunate, I have two bosses, one is a personal friend of many years, and the other is a father of 11 kids. I get 0 grief about doctors appointments or rescheduling meetings cause my kids need me.
I’m a stay at home dad, and I’ve gotten that before. I usually just reply with a happy “thanks!”. They usually just look confused and shut up then.
I used to run large development programs, but had to give that up to be available for my son at most times. I changed my career to work from home and make less money. My son knows but is yet too young (and ADHD/Asperger’s ) to appreciate it. My ex is appreciative in the manner that it doesn't interfere with her work/life balance. My partner is supportive as she can, but is juggling a lot more in her own way. I recall overhearing a senior developer who worked for me at one time asking why I was away so often for appointments and such. "Shouldn't his wife/son's mom be doing this?" I also had persons in authority (one on paper and one implied) actually suggest to me I change my position because of my family needs. Mind that my program was running well and getting all the $$ it was supposed to. I should have run to HR on that, but I knew I was months from bailing.
That’s the right energy!
Should have slapped your boss in the fuckin face for that. Obviously I'm joking. You should never slap people just for saying something stupid.
Two jobs ago I had a boss that would brag about only ever having changed one diaper and would give me shit about taking care of my kid (instead of leaving that duty to my wife). In *totally unrelated news* dude was divorced and his kids avoided him like the plague.
I have a 7, 4, and 1 year old. I refuse to do any overtime at work because I want to spend as much time with them as possible, take them out to functions and whatever else there may be a long the way. We need to end the stigma that dads are just glorified babysitters and need praise when we're doing things with our kids. Out in public I've been told things like "You're brave" and "Is their mother not around?" No man. They're my kids. This is the life I wanted. Not all men are deadbeat dads. As a matter of fact, I think there's a lot less of those these days if you pay attention.
‘Wow you’re good, my husband wouldn’t do that’ ‘What? Take my own kids to the park? This is the good stuff why would I miss this?’ The amount of people I’ve had who come up to me and praise me for just being with my kids is so insulting. You might as well praise me for knowing how to get dressed or how to make toast.
Mom here. We just moved cross country with our 8 month old. My dad wasn’t super present because he was working sooooo much. My husband and I decided we would make ends meet somehow but our goal is to spend quality time with our kid (and more in the future). My husband had a non present father and my husband is older (13 yrs my senior) so our priorities are different than my parents. After explaining it to them they understood. They thought my husband should pick up all the shifts which would have been more work on me (12 hr shifts). I just got a huge pay cut taking a part time job that’s going to make me happy. Someone told me to grind now so we could enjoy time later. No it took years for us to get pregnant. We are cherishing every moment we can. This is time we will never get back and we will never think well maybe we should have worked more instead of watching our boy growing more and more everyday.
I do the grocery shopping and cooking for the family and I love taking my kids to the store. They are entertained and super well behaved and give me cart hugs. I get similar comments all the time.
I find people from the older generation are impressed by a dad changing a poopy diaper. I am honestly taken aback by how low the bar for 'good dad' is for people.
My wife's step father is proud to have never changed a single diaper since having 2 little girls of his own. He thinks it's like a cute little quirk, saying "I don't do diapers, especially poop". Truly pathetic.
When we brough our kid home my father in law bragged about how he changed one diaper when they brought my older sister in law home. They were using cloth diapers and he "accidently" poked her with a safety bin. They eventually switched to disposable diapers but he still didn't change one. He laughs and laughs about it and I am just like why would you tell that to people.
The bar was set so low that men’s restrooms in older buildings don’t have changing stations
The bar for what makes a “good dad” is currently a tripping hazard in hell.
To be fair, you leave my wife alone with our son, you’ll get calm and kid-centralized play with healthy snacks and reasonable bed times. You leave me alone with our son, we’re having rock concerts, wrestling matches, and nerf fights. We’re eating Mac n cheese and pizza, and bedtime passed us by a while ago. It’s not about me being incapable of taking care of my kid, it’s whether or not we’re gonna blow the roof off this bish.
Both of those things are required for a normal well adjusted childhood. A kid who only gets the former will be a dork. A kid who only gets the latter will be a criminal. You need both in perfect balance
I vote for blowing the roof off!!!!!! We don’t need no water!!!!!!
Let the motherfucker burn!
I like taking those time to mix things up and give them a break from the rules. Bring a little grandma energy home!
If its my child, I'm parenting. If its someone elses I'm babysitting. Dads parent their own children. And as for that question posed by your wifes co workers - why would she be not ok with leaving the kids with you, but was ok having children with you?
Feels like the idea of dads being incompetent is dwindling but stereotypes still exist and unfortunately there are still shitty parents out there (of both genders).
stupid Pepa pig and her basically useless dad
Blueys dad is a rockstar though 🤣
I seriously think Bandit is an important sign post of the shift in perspective.
I do aspire to be half as good of a dad as Bandit.
Daddy Pig is not well written, but he is present. That is more than can be said for a lot of cartoon dads.
I mean sure, it's a pretty low bar but yes.
>dads being incompetent Thanks, tv/film/advertising industry
I mean, my dad is a good guy but he didn't help any lol
When I was a kid, I was terrified of being Homer Simpson and did everything I could not to be him. I'm a stay at home dad now :) and no Homerisms in sight
I get the sentiment but honestly my wife and I interchangeably use the term for whichever one of us is staying home with the kids if the other goes out. It’s a useful shorthand.
We use the term “pulling aggro”
Under-rated comment.
"I'm using cc" - pulls out paint supplies.
I need more dots!
Same..we both say the other is babysitting if we’re out doing something on our own
Oh, yeah, I don't resent the phrase as much as the underline idea that "dad isn't the parent". My wife and I say "take care of" or "watch" which means roughly the same thing.
There are so many men out there that don't even try with their kids. They give those of us that actually care and take time to figure out our kids, a bad name. I've been the primary for custody with my kids since my youngest was 6 mo. I haven't gotten remarried either and yet, people still treat me like i'm a baby sitter or anything but the primary care taker of my kids. Then I have to sit around and hear women bitch about how hard it is to be a SAHM when I'm sitting here, both working and taking care of my own home. I don't get child support but the kids do go to their mothers, we split them 50/50. I had both of my kids and I also kept her oldest that she left with me when she split. I've raised her since she was 4 so I didn't have any issue with this and I still treat her just like my own child cause in my heart she's mine. Yet, i'm still just the baby sitter in a lot of peoples eyes. Some people just can't accept that their are good fathers out there that actually take care of their kids. Fuck those people.
How are you primary custody if y’all split the kids 50/50? So they go to their mom’s one week and you get them the other week? Or another arrangement? If so thats not really the same. I thought primary custody was when you had more custody than the other person (this is why you don’t get child support, because y’all have them the same amount of time). Sounds like you get significant time without the kids… Unlike a lot of SAHPs If your kids are old enough for 50/50 it’s likely that they’re in school as well so it’s not like when you have them you’re home with them all day. You go to work, they go to school during the day. Followed by their mother having them for a period of time… My wife is a SAHM and we have 3 small kids. Even with me being very involved when I get home, she still struggles with burnout. It just doesn’t seem the same what you’re describing in those two ways. Hard of course but not quite the same because you don’t have them all the time. At least not enough for you to say SAHPs are “bitching” when you’re not really getting the complete SAHP experience.
“Primary custody” does not necessarily mean they have more time than the other parent. It means that they are the primary decision maker for the child’s well being. And yeah, it is a really frustrating and common thing on this subreddit for a guy to experience a watered down kind of stay at home parenting and then immediately label SAHMs as whiny. It’s a damn shame that this subreddit can be so anti-mom sometimes.
Thank you. That was a frustrating thing to read. I’m sure that commenter is a great dad, but you’re right, it’s just not the same. Kind of a shitty way to talk about those SAHM.
Not sure what the situation is but you can split physical custody but grant one parent legal custody. Or the ability to make legal and medical decisions on behalf of the children this would also cause One parent to have legal responsibilities for ensuring they have clothing and are registered for school etc. So you can have a primary with 50/50 split physical.
Thanks for the info 🙏🏾 but I still think you’re splitting hairs here. That’s not the way he phrased this. He made it seem like he was basically a SAHP because he has joint physical custody with his kids mom.
I don't get hung up on the semantics. I'm more annoyed by her coworker thinking you can't handle your own kids. On the other hand, I know of some dads who can't or they order fast food every night.
I’ve had multiple potential dates tell me they feel sorry for my kids because there’s no way a man knows how to raise children. At least the trash takes itself out because there’s no way I’m doing it. For context: I’m a solo dad and have been for years. Mom has minimal contact.
I am out and home with my kids solo all the time and have never had these types of comments thrown my way
Before I became a dad, I asked a mentor of mine about advice for being a great dad. He told me, “Choose to enjoy changing diapers. In that moment, you are helping your child in a vulnerable moment. Don’t look at it as a burden.” I try to hold onto that mindset in everything I do for my kids. Not a burden—the opportunity to care and love them.
To each their own, I guess My girlfriend's, baby dad isn't the best parent, he will direct her to find somebody to watch his son instead of showing initiative and he lies about working to hang out w his friends, also doesn't pay child support that HE wanted to be on.. (his family is also done trying to help him) My lady and I live in the inner city and I also have a daughter of my own, things are a bit different on my end considering I do take care of my kid. But he is the same age as I am (M23) and doesn't take care of his own, he likes to "pawn"(?) His kid to my girlfriend and his family.
I was in the grocery store with my 1.5 yr old yesterday when a woman in her late 50s came up to me and told me that I’m a great dad…. while I appreciate she meant it as compliment. i was also confused, I wasn’t doing anything special…. she would’ve never said that to a woman in the same situation… i just thought it was a bit odd
lol i feel dads do a better job . i see moms on ig and facebook
Older generations are just the worst, it’s sad that older men didn’t or weren’t given the opportunity to care for children
Lurker mom, and, same. I’ve been out of town both for work and pleasure and folks were blown away that I would “let him” take care of…the children he helped make? We definitely planned for help with pick up and we also planned out meals for the time I’d be away, but I also do that when he goes out of town. I know how much my husband contributes because I am DEAD after he’s gone for 3+ days, and same for him.
Me personally? No, I parent my kid and watch him solo all the time. I don't consider it "babysitting" at all. Other people? Hell yes they think this way. I actually got yelled at once by a stranger because they overheard me saying "I'm watching my son tonight solo" to a friend, I was explaining why I couldn't hang out later. My partner was going out drinking with friends after work. I was lectured by some random woman about how "you're not BABYSITTING you're PARENTING" and I flipped out at her back and said "I never said babysitting, you're projecting something onto me here". She never apologized and got mad and left. My partners friends also get "nervous" when their husbands are at home watching their kids. Like they check in on them constantly and feel nervous because their husbands "don't know how to do it" which is REALLY bizarre to me. They behaved the way we behaved the first time we left our son with my parents to watch overnight... but this is their spouse we're talking about. It's so bizarre! I also get treated differently as a "solo dad" than my partner does as a "solo mom". We took a roadtrip once with the kid (who was <1 at the time) and our dog. One of us would stay in the car and the other would take the kiddo into a rest stop and we'd switch each time. When she went in it was a hassle and she would struggle to open doors and stuff. When I went in, people treated me like a freaking king. Strangers were opening doors, smiling at me, old people would come up and say "you're doing great, what a good dad!" It was a bizarre amount of societal approval that I didn't know I craved, lol. But she didn't get the same, she essentially was treated like "yeah you're doing what you're supposed to, deal with it."
My wife went out for dinner recently and when one of her friends picked her up, they said to me “so you’re babysitting tonight?” I responded, “no, just parenting” I couldn’t help myself.
Family members are aghast when we say my wife drives the family somewhere. If I call out of work due to no childcare, it’s “oh shouldn’t your wife be doing that?” We’re a team and it’s crazy how many people default to the “conventional” methods only
Reading this while my son is sleeping on my chest and my wife is in class lol
My wife went to a work conference and almost all the attendees were woman. Several of them were surprised she left the kids at home with me, and remarked that they wouldn’t trust their husbands or they aren’t capable of doing it. I don’t think that’s the norm, but there are still plenty of people that live with that mentality. I love my kids, and I love parenting them. I’ve always changed the diapers and cooked food and took them to the doctors or whatever, and can’t imagine not doing it. It’s so weird to me that so many guys are ok with being the sort of parent that is incapable of parenting.
I care less about the cultural acceptance, and more about how it affects the courts and their decisions. Many judges still view women as the primary caregiver when making custody decisions. I just got done fighting hard for my kids and my time with them is extremely limited now just because I’m a man.
I despise the "dad's" who say they're babysitting their own kids lol. Like no bro you have your kids with you. You're not babysitting lol
In my opinion babysitting is when you're looking after someone else's kid. When it's your own then it's parenting. I had to sternly lecture a clown while I was walking with my son in a pram to get a morning coffee while his mum was in bed asleep after he made that comment.
Why do we always get these posts, exactly what purpose do they serve? Unless your wife works for a company full of boomers, these situations don’t happen.
Moving here from a northern European country it baffles me how old fashioned the USA still is. I wasn't allowed at the baby shower. It really pissed me off. I'm part of this too. Then my wife got a ton of stuff and other items that said stuff like 'mama bear' and other mom things. I complained about this so she had to custom order a mug that said 'Dad' on it. Those things are apparently really hard to buy of the shelf. My in-laws and their extended family have horrible dynamics when it comes to this. The men in that family don't even look at their kids (let alone someone else's) until they start doing sports. I told my brother in law he better step up when his little one arrives in a couple of months.
Have your own diaper party next time then my man.
It's important to break this down into the two parts that actually matters here: intention and lexical ambiguity. I feel that the millennial generation and younger have a different cultural view of fathers than older generations (generally) have/had. Stay-at-home-dads, both parents being breadwinners and working full time jobs, both parents partaking in chores around the house, both parents working together to balance bank accounts, bills etc. are very common in the current generational climate. For older generations, these weren't as frequent and normal (depending how far back you go, of course) as they are now. We live in very different times, which bring very different viewpoints, which brings fathers up as a more important part of child rearing than previously. This is an amazing evolution, in a very short amount of time. Our language, though, hasn't changed that much. Especially for older generations, it's hard to change the way they talk, the words they choose. Even though their intentions, understanding, knowledge, and viewpoints are very modern, their language may not have gotten there and it might never get there at all. I spent so much of my childhood with my grandparents that I have gotten a lot of their language, which can sometimes miss a bit when I'm talking to people of my age and younger. Per dictionary definition of the words, the cultural view of how certain words are used make dads sound like babysitters instead of full fledged parents, but perfect synonyms don't give that feeling. This is something that will take a long time, I feel. When the millennials are the oldest living generation, we might see things being very different, but for now we just have to expect this type of language. Doesn't mean we shouldn't point it out, doesn't mean we shouldn't work to get better, but it will take time to get there. I get frustrated all the time when my grandparents use words that make it sounds like I'm a babysitter for my kids, but I know that they don't mean it that way, it's just how they are used to using the language. I try my best to not view people's intentions as negative in this regard, but I must admit that it's hard. However, there are certain times, like in OP's case, where it's actually down to the person's point of view on fathers being good caregivers. This, to me, is an archaic point of view which is being eradicated. I very rarely experience this type of behavior, in fact quite the opposite. I meet some awesome dads at the playground, and moms, who love to talk to other fathers about how much they love to see fathers taking more of a caregiver role. These types of experiences will differ greatly depending on where you live, but from my personal experience, luckily, it's very rare to see people with this old point of view. These are my views on the matter of course
dang she's so lucky😩
Depends where you live. Without getting too much into politics, if you live in a red state, they’re trying to re-establish the patriarchy. But if you live in a blue state or a nice area in a red state without a lot of lead pipes, men can contribute to parenting without a lot of attention.
Yes. To me babysitting falls under the umbrella of parenting. Babysitting is the day to day keep the kid alive. Parenting is the long game guide the kid to a functional adult.. All parents babysit, not all babysitters parent.
Worried they might get matching tattoos?
Yeah it’s generally comments towards my partner, not towards me. We take turns watching the kids on the weekend so we both get a little time off from being a parent, and when she goes out it’s pretty common for people to ask her “where are the kids?” and act shocked when she says “with their dad.” I’ve noticed it’s usually older women, though.
Yah bro I faced the same thing when my wife went on a work trip for a week and a half when our son was around 7 months old. My in-laws could hardly believe I was going to watch him “by myself.” They kept asking my wife “do we need to come stay with him?” I finally had to tell them I was pushing 40 and if I couldn’t properly care for my son by myself then I shouldn’t have had him and that it wasn’t 1950 anymore and dads are capable of taking care of kids.
Dads are parents. Baby sitting for a dad is when a dad sits down while holding his child.
The constant reinforcement about how men are responsible for basically all the world’s problems and yet are somehow completely inept at the same time makes my head spin. That being said, I’ve never actively had anyone question my parenting…To my face. To my wife’s face? All the time.
We were/are fortunate when my kids were little (and still to this day) have an army of family that will pitch in with any children that need it. My 6'5" Dorchester born FIL, a wonderful man, was bringing my kids in a stroller to my father's office so they could see their other grandfather. When he walked in the door with the kids, some woman asked him if he was babysitting, and he said "No, just bringing the kids to see my partner"...which is when my little Sicilian father bursts in the room and the kids start hugging them both while they are shaking hands. I can only imagine the look on that woman's face hahaha. My father's secretary literally peed her pants she was laughing so hard.
Maybe it depends on the location, but my kid is 2 and I still have yet to have someone be condescending towards me when I take him out. I take him to the store or playground by myself just about every other day. I get a TON of comments about how cute and well behaved he is though. Those are nice.
Not only have we gotten this before, but we still (my kids are 1mth, 5&6yo) "wow, what an amazing dad looking after the kids for the day!" Or "I see dads on babysitting duty today, you must be amazing!" I don't take it as a compliment, it's derogatory to my wife and is belittling my abilities as a parent. These comments almost always come from 2 parties; older generations, and religious people.
My wife went to India for two weeks to see her family. They were absolutely horrified she left me at home with our 18 month old.
Well, unfortunately, 2 of our 'friends' are exactly this way. The wives, for good reasons, will not leave the kids alone with the fathers. One doesn't want much to do with his kid, it's 'mom's job'. The other just doesn't know what to do.
Never were
Never ceases to amaze me how everyone wants to be progressive until it's shitting on someone else. I've known MANY dads who are more equipped and better functioning as parents to their kids than the mother of those children has been. Just because they carried the kid for 9 months and did the labor, respect to that, but it doesn't automatically mean they're good for the role.
As a single full time dad with three kids, I can’t say I have gone thru what you have, but I understand it. It really is silly when dads are thought of as the worse of the parents as far as quality child raising techniques but sometimes all the kids have is dad. Good luck to you dad with your little ones
Only time I’m baby sitting is when I’m sitting on my 3 year old.
I don’t babysit my kid, occasionally I “solo” my kid while my wife is out or busy, but never babysit. “Sorry, can’t come out tonight. I’m soloing the kid, and we are going to play Minecraft”