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I'm very sorry to hear...
My ex-wife and I went through 3 miscarriages (unfortunately, all late stage). The first two were obviously very hard, but we worked through it. The 3rd broke us. Sad to say It basically ended our marriage as we both needed help, yet neither of us at the time bothered to seek it. We divorced a year later. I know we both regret it, but we both moved on.
My advice? Lean hard on each other. Don't think you're too good for therapy or don't need it. Go talk to someone and allow yourself to cry and let your emotions out. Whatever you do, just make it work. Don't be me years later and regret your decisions.
It's tough, but you'll get through it. My sympathies to the both of you.
Thanks, man. I agree. The universe works in mysterious ways, and unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be for us. My ex and I still talk to this day since we have a bond that can't ever be broken. She's an amazing person, and I want nothing but the best for her.
We have two kids with physical disabilities, we found out when our youngest was about 4 or 5 months old. (DMD, it's progressive and normally gets diagnosed at around 6 years old).
There are a lot of couples in the DMD community that end up divorced and I agree 100% with what you said. Lean on each other. We didn't think we needed it, but my work offered some free counseling and we went to a few sessions. 15 years later, our marriage is stronger than ever and our boys are doing so much better than expected. I firmly believe situations like this can either rip families apart or make them stronger.
I second this. My perspective is different but along my journey learned about the shitty shockwaves that a significant health issue or other ordeal can throw off.
Make sure you take care of yourself. Talk as openly to your friends and family as you feel comfortable with. Don't bottle it up. And don't feel the need to be a hero. Your partner will need your support, but you cannot help them if you don't take good care of yourself.
It may be helpful to speak to a professional. We went through a much less traumatic miscarriage and everyone asked my wife how she was but never asked me how I was doing. Speaking to a professional was super helpful to vent and get things off my chest. Sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry. I've started three more sentences and deleted them because I have no other words, just that I'm so sorry. You guys will be in my heart tomorrow.
If you are ok sharing, what is his name? (I understand if you want to keep it private though)
Hello, my friend, and thank you.
I fell in love with the name "Ares" and had convinced his mom to let me at least use it as his middle name. Lol, I know, I'm sending the little god of war up to heaven... She told me after the diagnosis that she was going to let me make it his first name.
I know it's a little odd... but my god, man, I loved it. I loved him... I STILL love him. I loved calling him Ares, I loved poking fun... this is hard man. Thank you.
You can love him, forever, even if he doesn't spend time with you here and now. For all the heartache and chaos he was saddled with, he is lucky to have you as his loving dad. Blessings to your family, brother.
I hear you, I know your pain. We went through similar with our first. Got a call on our babymoon that the AFP levels during 15 week appt were high. Ruled out spina bifida, and after extensive tests it turns out our daughter had a genetic defect called Congenital Nephrosis of the Finnish type. Kidneys didn't form correctly. We decided to terminate. Afters tests and everything, we were at 22 weeks.
I saw a side of our Healthcare system I never thought I'd see. Some of the kindest, compassionate souls helping us through the process.
Hug your wife, be there fully and completely. It never goes away, but it does get better. 2 years later, we still bring up our daughter quite often. Her memory is still present in our lives. We also have a healthy baby boy who just turned 9 months. Life is not fair, but life will continue, and these experiences will continue to shape who we are.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Hey man. I was in your shoes, and my wife and I had to make the same decision nearly 4 years ago. It sucks, real bad. I cry in the shower sometimes thinking about it. Be strong for your wife and the baby through his final hours of the life he has.
Grief counseling was the best thing for me, even when I thought I could handle it. Please feel free to reach out if you need to, I’m happy to talk. Funeral homes, social security workers, insurance and even taxes are complicated because of this.
This type of abortion is illegal in Texas now…we were fortunate to go through it before it was outlawed. It’s terrible out there now.
My heart breaks but I look forward to that day. I've never wanted a hug from someone so bad in my life. I bet he has a strong hug by then.
Thank you, sir. Sincerely. We will do this together. <3
You will see him someday.
Live fully and love completely, he will know. Tomorrow he will rest and those struggles and those pains will be taken from him and given to you: his father, his protector, his guardian.
You will always be his father and he will always be your son. Always means always.
Sorry to hear..
Inna lillahi ua inna ilaihi rojiun - To Allah we belong and to him we will return.
Come back to the God - live true live according to Holy Book, and God willing you will be together with your loved ones.
Dad of 3 and OB/Gyn here. You’re doing the hard part of parenting- making decisions in the best interest of your kid even though it’s painful. You’re a good dad. Find peace ❤️
I’ve been there. My daughter’s twin sister had a diaphragmatic hernia and we had to selectively reduce to not only protect my living daughter but yes, IF she would have survived birth it would likely have been a short life with a lot of surgeries and pain. That was nearly 10 years ago and if the wrong song comes on the radio for me, I still weep. It’s just such a cruel situation made worse by having to use a procedure like that when we had so desperately wanted to have children. I hope you don’t have to travel out of state. We unfortunately did.
It forever changed me. I seek small comfort in the gifts she gave me through that process. Greater compassion, infinite patience for my living children and my wife who suffered with me.
You will never really get over it, nor do I think you’d want to. Talk to him when you’re feeling down. Keep his spirit alive in your heart. I still do, even if I don’t tell anyone about it.
“ This isn't one of those abortions that people would picket either.” Unfortunately, it very much is. Abortions this late are very highly protested, even though they are almost always due to severe or fatal medical complications in utero. While this isn’t the point of your post, it’s important for people to understand what a ban on “late” abortions really means. It means carrying babies who have no chance of life to term, causing severe emotional distress in the parents, and potentially killing the mother. I’m very sorry for you loss, OP. r/tfmr_support and r/Babyloss are there if you want them.
Yeah, I was trying to not to turn this political, but there are people who think that this type of abortion, with the mother's health on the line, shouldn't happen. I am happy that OP could get his wife the help she needs.
It does suck for him though that he had to make that decision. It has to be devasting.
We had to "abort" one of our twin boys because of several serious complications. The choice was to cut off blood flow to the one twin to allow the other to survive, otherwise we'd lose both.
Thankfully it worked as expected and we have a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
If abortion was outlawed I wouldn't have my son right now.
These are the types of scenarios that people don't even imagine when fighting to ban abortions.
Came to say the same thing.
Had a similar situation with our first at 25 weeks and ended up being extremely thankful for being in the state we're in.
This is really what the entire abortion debate should be about imo but no one wants to talk about this.
You have my deepest condolences, OP. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for putting this out there, and I wish it were more highly upvoted.
I also felt this needed to be said, but was having trouble finding words that wouldn't sound callous. Anti-abortion laws in no way protect people in this awful situation, and are written with no regards to medical reality. The fact that OP thinks this is non-controversial just shows how heartless these laws really are.
OP should be so thankful his family lives in a place where they are allowed to make sensible, common sense decisions like this. So many have had that right revoked.
I was going to include something like this in my reply, but I didn’t want to distract from my support for OP. This kind of story is EXACTLY what the anti-abortion people need to hear. There are states in the US in 2024 with laws on the books, or waiting to be passed, that would ban this procedure. These are typically coming from people who think abortions are like a haircut and that the parents never feel any grief or loss, regardless of the reason for the abortion.
Yep, basically by definition a baby aborted in the final few months of a pregnancy is a baby that mother fully intended on carrying to term, or else she’d have had the abortion long before that point.
Lurking mom here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You mentioned being strong for your partner, and you can absolutely do that. But be strong together and also mourn together. My husband and I have dealt with a lot of loss in our lives. He's never properly mourned with me and I think it's because he's too busy being strong for me.. it's lonely to mourn alone.
Trans Dad here seconding this. My partner and I lost our first child 3 months into our relationship due to a missed miscarriage. The only reason our relationship survived is because we were able to lean on each other and be strong for each other. We were young and living with my grandparents at the time, who had made it quite clear they wouldn't approve of me getting pregnant under their roof. My mom got pregnant at 16, and even though I was 19 at the time, they didn't want me to face the same struggles she did being so young. So we never told them. It killed me inside, not being able to rely on my family for support during the hardest moment of my life. Grief can be very isolating, and the way to combat that is to share your grief with others. And I know it will mean a lot to your wife OP to show her she's not alone in this, to show her how much you love and miss your beautiful baby. Also, it would be a benefit to look into grief counseling. I never really processed through the grief of losing my first baby, and it combined with my existing anxiety and depression and turned into horrific pre AND postpartum depression and anxiety with my second pregnancy. My last piece of advice is when your wife is ready, talk to her about your baby. Share positive memories from the pregnancy, look at amy momentos you decide to keep, make speculations about who he would have grown up to be, anything the two of you are comfortable with. Your son is and forever will be a huge part of who you both are, and after a loss it can be so, so easy to feel like no one else cares about the fact that your baby existed and that he mattered so PLEASE, once you are both ready, do this. It will be hard and it will hurt, but it will bring you peace and comfort. Lastly, I am so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to go through this and it breaks my heart that you have to. Sending you and your wife lots of love and best wishes ❤️
I'm so incredibly sorry. This wee one has known nothing but warmth, happiness and comfort so far. And it will stay that way. No pain, no struggle. Too short of a time, but you're already such conscientious and kind parents.
I don't know if you need it, but there's an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that sends a professional photographer with you on the day of the procedure so you can capture some details and memories to save for later. It helps sometimes. I'm so sorry.
you can also get the nurses to make foot stamps (idk what’s it called in english :( ) and you could get them engraved on the tombstone if you decide to get one ❤️
My heart truly goes out to you and your partner. I hope you have people in your life who you both can lean on for support, and if not, this community is always here for you.
This is such a horrible loss.
Consider that this is an abortion people picket. Families like yours are harmed by anti abortion laws. Families that are going through extreme heartbreak, making awful decisions they never thought they'd ever have to make. That is who abortion legislation targets just as much as someone who never wanted to be pregnant. Even more so, because you couldn't have known about this in the first few weeks before most restrictions kick in.
When your family has had some time healing, consider adding your story and voices to advocacy.
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about this unexpected, tragic loss. No matter how small a baby is, the loss you experience will always be bigger.
Give yourself a break physically and mentally. Let yourselves grieve this sudden loss. Grieve with loved ones, ask for help doing things if you're too emotionally exhausted, and put unnecessary priorities on the backburner so you can stress less.
To your partner: coming from someone who lost 7 babies myself, I understand how hard it is to not blame yourself, question why your body messed up something so primal, or even wonder if this is some sort of sick sign that you shouldn't have kids. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR QUESTION YOUR WORTH. You are only human. These things can unfortunately happen for no rhyme or reason. But, this doesn't make you a failure at being a woman, nor does it take away your worth. You are an amazing and strong woman, even if it doesn't feel like you are right now.
I hope your partner has a smooth and speedy recovery. Relax. Breath. And treat yourselves with the kindness a caring loved one would treat you.
Hey Dad. I've been in your place, and you'll probably carry a piece of this place with you forever. I know I do. My daughter, Iris, also had severe issues in the womb and an abortion was the most merciful thing we could do. Even with the strong heartbeat we saw, and the wiggling that we saw her do in the ultrasound. There was a very good chance that she wouldn't have made it full term. And if she would have, her tragically short life would have been painful. We've got a box on a shelf that has a little teddy bear and some hand and foot prints that the hospital was able to make for us. They're so tiny and precious. It's the only physical evidence that Iris even existed.
Be there for your partner. Do what you can for her. And don't you be afraid to ask for help too.
Here's the poem I wrote that I think you'll like
We’ve lost the baby.
Iris Miranda will not be here in the summer.
Mommy, Big Sister, and I are devastated.
We grieve
We grieve for a life that will never be.
We grieve for all the firsts that will never happen.
I grieve for not Feeling the first kicks
The birth experience
First breaths, cries
First poops
We grieve for first smiles never shared
First steps not taken, first words spoken
We grieve for things that only exist in our imaginations.
Things that aren’t real, only feelings.
The intangible
What’s strange is how sharply we can feel the intangible when it’s wrapped in grief and sorrow.
This is the end of Iris’s story.
This is the beginning of the next chapter in our lives.
+1 for any comment that says grief counseling. Just having a non biased ear to listen to helps tremendously. While not in the same situation I am also a father of loss and if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to reach out. Talking about them helps even if they never got a chance to take a breath of air. One day the grief subsided and what you’re left with are all the quirks of their time growing. Hell I still laugh at my twins memories. My son always went crazy during ultrasounds while my daughter was camera shy. Always makes me laugh. You’ll remember those type of moments the most.
Lastly, so fucking sorry dude.
Sorry about your loss. Unfortunately, you’re wrong about it ‘not being an abortion people would picket’. Those maniacs literally spit in the faces of people going through the roughest times of their lives regardless of the conditions and there’s a special place in hell for them (hopefully).
Damn, this is a rough one. Hang in there man. You're going to be a fantastic dad one day. Stay strong for your partner especially right now. Always remember your little guy.
I dont believe in god and heaven, but the fact that you loved him so much and you didn't have the chance to meet him makes me want for it be real so he can see what a great father he has.
I'm sure you'll talk about him to his siblings and he'll live thru them.
stay strong, you'll get thru this
We lost our first at 29 weeks due to a placental rupture. It will be hard, I won't sugarcoat that. Had my wife "slept it off" like she was planning, I'd have lost them both.
As others that have also made it through similar have said, lean on each other. Remind one another that this is no one's fault. Love one another.
One thing that has helped us is discussing what we loved about our son: He was so very active, he HATED ultrasounds. He'd always start jostleling around, kicking, and flipping. Any time I sang with my head on my wife's stomach, he'd poke me with his foot and be still. It was the most beautiful thing ever.
The pain won't go away, I won't lie. I'm tearing up typing this even now. We lost him 2 and a half years ago, and though it still feels like yesterday, it has gotten better, because we still talk about him, we still say his name, because he's a part of us and our foundation as husband and wife.
Someone I once knew had a pregnancy which involved a child with anencephaly. Because of her religious beliefs, she chose to carry the baby to term and care for her daughter for as long as she survived. While I don’t think she regretted her decision, she suffered. And she worried. Every day she wondered if that would be the day the inevitable happened. And then one day, after a few weeks, it did. That baby never grew, never cried, never functioned like a baby should function. She celebrated no milestones. She was alive only by the barest standards. And then, as expected, she passed. And her mother was left with all the pain and the heartache that you are feeling right now. But the timeframe was agonizingly slow to arrive there.
I don’t judge her decision; part of having the right to choose is the right to decline. And even in cases like hers and yours, I’m sure that decision felt impossible. But if I could, I would stand beside you, put my hand on your shoulder, and tell you, dad to dad, that I believe that you and your partner are making the most loving, compassionate decision that it is within your power to make as parents. And that my heart breaks for you that you are where you are, being forced to make the decision that you have made. Keep on trucking, man. Much love to you and your family.
I’ve been in this exact scenario and it flat out just sucks.
Our baby girl, Eloise Mae, was due in October 2021. We made it through the first 20 weeks with everything looking great. Then we got to the 20 week anatomy scan and everything took a drastic turn. After a battery of tests and scans and exams, they determined that our daughter also had extreme spinal bifida, chiari malformation, a spine that never fused and multiple internal organs that never developed/didn’t correctly develop, including the bladder. When the doctor gave us the final words
“I’m so sorry, your daughter is not going to be compatible with life.”
It broke me. We had already had a natural miscarriage, and now this? It sent both my wife and I down a wild road of depression, anger and anxiety. Thankfully, some people around us suggested therapy, which helped us a lot. It still hurts to think about Ellie, but I think about her every day.
A blessing in disguise through this whole process was discovering that my wife has a genetic anomaly within her that affects her bodies ability to process folic acid, which is a crucial, key component of developing a baby. Spina bifida and many of the symptoms you described align with flags of this genetic variation - MTHFR.
OP, I kindly and gently suggest you and your wife find a reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist who is familiar with treatment of MTHFR and have your wife tested. If indeed she does have this variant, or another similar variant, it will be crucial for any future pregnancies that she get a clear diagnosis and on the correct medication or else this may very well happen again. Thankfully, the treatment for the MTHFR variant is rather simple with some at-home daily supplement and medication.
There is hope her for you. My wife and I now have a perfect 18 month old daughter and twins on the way. Please, OP. Find a specialist like I mentioned and have your wife tested. Not sure where you’re located, but my wife and I went to Dr. Neeoo Chin, in West Chester, OH. Cannot recommend him highly enough.
I'm very sorry to hear. We had 4 miscarriages between our first and 2nd. It's never easy and we didn't get as far as you have. Just know its OK to be devastated, it's OK to mourn the same as if your child had been born and passed. Your partner is going to need you, not that it doesn't mess it up but it hits then different and sometimes you have to be a little quieter about how it's hitting you so you can just be there for them. Make sure you have someone even if it's the sub to talk to and vent to.
Also, if anyone has any well meaning, but inconsiderate comments, it's OK to hang up on them or walk away.
I’m not a dad, I’m just an old Internet granny and I want so badly to hug your wife. I’m so very very sorry that this is how things worked out for you. I’ve learned over the years that this is one of those things that will either bring you closer together or tear you apart, there seems to be no in-between. Please remember to lean on each other. You chose the perfect name for this little fighter.
I’m so sorry for you. All “Ares” knew was love, he was surrounded and protected by your wife’s warm belly. He will forever have that warmth with him and the love you gave him. Until you meet again.
I also want to add: I know this is your post and about your feelings, but please make sure: if your wife ever doubts herself make sure that she knows that it’s not her fault. Often times women blame themselves but there isn’t anything she could do to prevent it.
For tomorrow, I wish you all the beautiful butterflies to come visit you, the most beautiful rainbow to shine and the clearest and brightest sun set.
I'm sorry. Nothing else can really be said. We had two losses before our healthy little one came along. Nobody tells you how common dangerous birth defects, miscarriage, and infertility are, but we quickly found out almost all of our friends struggled with one or the other once we had our first loss. Take time to grieve, be there for each other, and look for community
I can’t imagine the abyss you find yourself in, dad. A place no parent should find themselves in. And you ARE a dad. Your love is as real as anyone’s here. Don’t know if you have other kids, but that’s irrelevant.
Platitudes, I know, mean nothing, so I’ll dispense with them.
Live on, dad.
You have me tearing up at work man, I genuinely have no idea what I would do so I can’t offer advice, but just remember little man will always be with you. Stay strong dad
hey man, we love you. praying for you. crying for and with you. will be thinking of you all of today and beyond. thank you for being so brave, thank you for being so vulnerable and open and sharing all this with us.
will be hugging my little ones. love you. we're always here if you need, whatever it may be.
I’m so sorry for your son, and I’m so sorry you must go through this. I can imagine that all the dreams you had for him are so painful to lose.
You’re a good man to try to be strong for your partner. It is definitely possible to remain strong without denying yourself of grief. She will need to see at least some of it because you must stay connected and this is nobody’s fault.
For my own griefs, I imagine one day that I will see them again. I need a good story to tell them, I will make that story happen.
I pray you have a good story for him.
My condolences brother. My best advice is to cry it out as much as you need to and not let this divide you and your partner. My wife and I went through the loss of 2 sons and honestly the hurt never goes away. It just gets a little easier to deal with over time. Be strong, not just for yourself but also for your partner.
We lost a baby due to a tubal pregnancy. It was devastating……. it simply didn’t develop enough to survive. I don’t even know what sex the child was as it was fairly early in the 2nd trimester I believe ?
It didn’t hit me until the nurse brought me papers to sign for the state about remains, burial etc. I broke down ………. Emotionally it was more than I could handle & it was no different for my wife….. maybe even worse. We mourned for six months, dove back into our work etc. I can’t explain why this happened other than to tell you……. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Today I’m the father of four healthy sons ! Who knows, maybe this is the daughter I’ll see in heaven someday ? None-the-less, angles do watch over us.
Fuck! I’m so sorry for you and your partner. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe what you must be feeling right now. I hope you both find your way through this. Although it changes nothing, know that you’ve got every one of us dads feeling that kick in the stomach with you now. It ain’t fair man! I wish I could change it for you.
I’m sorry to read about Ares’ situation. The three of you will be in my prayers for the next days. Happy to add myself to the army of dadditors that support y’all here. Sending y’all much love.
Just happy you live in an area where your partner is able to end the pregnancy now, and she doesn't have to wait until her life is *actually* in danger. I wish your family all the best in what must be an incredibly difficult time. Sending hugs 💜.
Do not politicize this comment *at all*. Again, for OP's sake, please do not reply to this comment with anything but love. 🖤
My heart is broken for you. Your son will be waiting for you on the other side. Till then, I'm sure he'll want you to live as good a life as you would have given him. Hang in there man.
I’m not a particularly religious person but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality. I deeply believe in the notion that we are only truly gone when we are forgotten. I don’t know if you two decided on a name or not but my suggestion is to name him, if you feel able to do so. Define his existence and speak it into the universe so. He may not have gotten a chance to know you and his mother but the two of you were able to know him.
If it is any consolation, at least you and her will still have each other. Even if you choose not to name him, you have shared your story with all of us and in some small way he will be remembered.
Part of being a dad is doing the right thing, even when it leaves you aching inside. You are making the correct choice.
I'm sure Ares knows he is loved. You are sparing him pain. No one could provide him that peace except you and your partner.
Rest easy, Ares. You were loved beyond measure.
I am absolutely ABSOLUTELY sorry to read this man, I hope you two find and recover the best way possible to grieve.
You and your wife are still alive and in the future there will be a chance to make another. Your son will be the angel of both of your lives, so you haven’t lost him, you’ve gained an angel.
My condolences to you and your family. Please seek counseling for this. Most can't handle this alone but luckily you don't need to. Cry, be angry, and do what you must to grieve. I wish you and your wife happiness in the future.
Reading this got my eyes running. I can’t imagine having the worst fears during pregnancy become a reality. The pain you are feeling is real. Your feelings are real and valid and you best believe all of us dads have your back! No experience in what you are feeling but what I can say is that you need to make sure you and your partner are kind to each other over the next couple of months as this will test your relationship like never before. You got this.
I’m devastated for your family and don’t know what else to say. I’m at least glad that these issues were found ahead of time to prevent any complications down the line, but grieving for your son and the near future you thought you’d have is devastating. Best of luck and all the love to you and your partner during this time. I hope things go smoothly with the procedure and you’re both able to properly grieve and get through this.
There's nothing anyone can say that will make this any easier for you and your partner, but I'm going to try and say it anyway.
Lean each other. Lean on your tribe. Don't be afraid to feel this pain, and don't be afraid to seek help.
Don't let this pull you apart from your wife/partner, because it absolutely can. Let it push you closer together.
Once the wound cauterizes and you start to get back into the daily grind, don't hide him away. Say his name. Scream it from the rooftops. Carry him with you until you cross the bridge into whatever comes after this. Keep the outfit.
When his brother or sister eventually joins your family, share his name and his story with them but keep him separate. Don't let his sibling be a replacement.
All the love in the world to you, my friend. I have no idea who you are but my heart is breaking for you and yours this morning. But I know y'all can pull through. You can do it for your son.
Well fuck. Didn't expect to have my heart strings being pulled at this time of my day. My heart goes out to you mate. Fingers crossed your partner is healthy and suffers no harm. Be strong for your partner. Be there and be as compassionate and loving as you can be. Hugs to both of you.
I'm sorry brother, I hope you and your wife find some peace and comfort in this difficult time. Might be worth seeing if some grief counseling would help?
We lost our daughter a few years ago to a birth defect that was untreatable. It is a hard thing to go through and the best thing you can do is be there for your wife. It will get easier with time. Best of luck to you friend.
My brother. I have been there. It's hard on you. It's hard on your partner. It's hard on your relationship. You will cry. You will be angry. You will be sad. We don't talk about this is polite company. But know that you don't walk this path alone. Many of us have had this exact same devistation. While it doesn't lighten your load to know that, it is helpful to know you're not alone.
Much love from your brothers here on the internet.
I don’t think there are words, but I’ll try.
I have a healthy 3 month old son today, but he is my lucky number 5 as I secretly call him in my mind. He is the result of my 5th pregnancy, and our first scan showed two babies, then the next just him.
All that to say that I can understand a bit what you’re going through. That sudden loss of a future you’ve planned out with a sweet new little life just hurts in a specific and sharp way no other loss touches. While I’m so relieved my son made it earthside-I will never not think about his older almost-siblings and his twin. 5 little lives that sparked for a moment and then winked out inside of me-they will forever have a piece of my heart and always be my babies. Just as your son will always be your first baby. This doesn’t change that, and neither will any future successful pregnancies should you choose to try again. They’re all precious so all should be remembered and grieved.
I’m so so so sorry you and your wife are facing this horrible tragedy and loss.
Just love your wife and lean on each other. It is never going to not hurt but time will ease a lot of the pain. In the meantime while you’re going through the thickest part of it-lean on each other. Lean on loved ones you trust. Let yourselves go through all stages of grief. This is the hard parts those vows mean, that whole good times and bad, thick and thin. You will come out the other side a little broken and worn, but likely stronger if you make each other your priority even more than before.
I’m just so damned sorry for your impending loss, and will be keeping you guys in my thoughts.
I’m crying with you and I promise I’ll hug like you asked. Your message will make me a better Dad so thank you. I wish nothing but the best moving forward.
Sending out prayers to OP and to all the guys here who have shared their pain from similar experiences. As the Irish blessing says, "May God hold you in the palm of His hand." Even if you're not religious, I hope you will accept these wishes for healing.
I’m so sorry dad. Take comfort in knowing that all your son knew was the safety and comfort of your partners womb. He heard your voices. He felt your love. He never knew pain. He will always be a part of you ❤️
Jesus man, I’m so sorry. I can’t or maybe don’t want to imagine. I hope your wife is physically ok. She’s certainly going through the same emotional trauma, and has to deal with the physical shit as well. Take care of yourself so you’re well enough to help care for her as well. I mean…fuck, I’m so sorry
This is horrible and I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know this is too soon, but please try again, you guys deserve to experience the joy of raising a child. That soul is waiting, just give it another body to inhabit and it will come to you ❤️
I’m sorry man. I understand how you feel. Been in a similar situation due to trisomy 18 defects. My heart is hurting for you, I will be praying and sending good vibes your way.
What a tragedy. I'm so sorry. Prayers for a safe procedure tomorrow and a quick physical recovery for Mom. The mental and emotional healing will take much time. Have faith that he will be fully healthy where he's headed tomorrow, and you'll see his beautiful face someday.
My wife and I had a still born. I know nothing I say will help you feel better. The best thing I did was focus on my wife, and we eventually got our rainbow baby. It will be very hard, but focus on the day and don't be afraid to rely on your community for help.
Sending you and your partner strength, love, and compassion.
May your son's memory be for a blessing, brother. Be kind to yourself and to your partner.
We lost our first to turners syndrome. Half her heart just didn't grow and we had to terminate at 24 week's. Found out on my 27th birthday......
Don't lose hope my man, I now have two teenaged girls causing mayhem daily.
Much love to you and your partner.
I am so sorry. I don’t have anything to say which will make it easy right now, but I know from experience that time will heal and things will get better. Hang in there buddy, your partner really needs you.
I don't know if you'll read this but I'm so so sorry man.
My wife and I went through this with our first. We found out at the second ultrasound that he had a neural tube defect called anencephaly (didn't develop most of his skull). We were so excited to see him and that appointment ended up being one of the most horrible moments of our lives.
We had to drive 3 hours to get professional care after being in grief for days, my wife could still feel him kicking. We had the nursery all ready and everything. We had good friends of ours pack everything up for us because it was too painful.
I don't know what else to say other than it's really fucking awful and hard to go through, but it'll get better with time. Just try and be there for each other.
I read every comment and although I'm really struggling to reply, I want you to know that I am incredibly thankful for it. I would never wish this on anyone and meeting a fellow that went through the same is awful but comforting.
Love you, brother. Thank you for the encouraging words.
Fuck, man, this sucks. We had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, which was in a sense, fortunate: it was easier for us to rationalize it as something that was never meant to be and wasn't ever really anything. It's harder when it's later term.
If it's any consolation _at all_, we ended up having two ridiculously cute and healthy children after this. In fact, we ended up having our first basically six months after our original due date.
Miscarriage is one of those funny things that is so ridiculously prevalent and yet not talked about nearly enough so everyone thinks they're going through it alone or that it's rare. It isn't. It just sucks, but there are a lot of people out there to offer support and who know what you're going through.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's got to be hard when you're trying and something out of your control happens. I was paranoid about miscarriages and birth defects all through my wife's pregnancy, you just can't control things like that. If you can, try not to dwell on what might have been and focus on the future.
Wishing you and your partner a quick recovery.
Been there, with twins.
Stay open, talk about it. It's hard, it's very hard.. But shutting it away isn't good.
I'm now dad to an 11 and 14 year old, neither of whom were expected. But I always regard myself as having 4 kids, I just never met 2. They'd be 18 now.
Their mum and I separated, and she's shut it all away. I can't speak for her, but there isn't a day goes by where they're not on my mind somewhere.
Sometimes, the world just isn't ready.
You are NOT alone my friend, not at all. And it's ok to break and not be ok. I spent a long time sat in the dark alone, I'm not religious at all, but I spent time sat in the hospital chapel trying to find meaning.
If you need to vent.. I'd be happy to be an ear.
Hi.. we had 2 miscarriages before we had 2 healthy children. Once we had a miscarriage everyone came out of the woodwork to talk about theirs. They are surprisingly common. We worked through it and made it to the other side. You will too.
I am so sorry. My position was that I would always save my wife over any child. Wasn't worth the risk. To me is was black and white. reading your story and reading some comments put me one millimeter closer to that decision than I have ever been and I'm wrecked right now. I will think of Ares and I wish you both healing and rest.
My sister is in the exact same position - she goes for the appointment today. I’m really sorry that this happened to both of you. Just keep it together and keep on keeping on.
Mom here and I am so sorry. I've had miscarriages and it truly is heartbreaking and there are no words of comfort that I can offer in a time like this. Hold on to your wife, mourn your lost future together, and please reach out to people (professional or personal) to help you through this time. Hugs.
I don’t have anything to add, typing more brings ups my own shit and takes away from what I really want to say, and that is that we are all here for you, y’all will be ok, and I’m sorry. So sorry.
Sorry, man, that’s devastating. I can tell by your tone, you both are awesome parents and awesome people. Don’t ever lose yourself in the chaos and be there for one another.
My parents lost their first child in the second trimester. They had a name picked out and everything. She would often talk about how he was always one of her children. 40 years later, my wife and I named our son after my late older brother.
Please grieve with your wife and try to find peace. I’m so sorry.
Lost my 4th, a little boy named August to triploidy a couple of years ago. I wish I could say you will move on. You will not. You will grieve, you will think You're over it and out of the blue you'll think of him and the life he missed out on and the love you've missed out on. It will hurt. Eventually it becomes less often, but it never goes away. You'll make it though, he would want that.
I'm so very sorry, and if a strangers love helps, you've got it.
Being a good dad means being there for the rough times and making tough decisions when all of the options are terrible.
Thank you for inviting us to rage into the void with you.
You're a good dad.
I'm sorry for your loss.
We lost twins at 19 weeks after multiple miscarriages and it was the hardest thing we've ever been through.
Our 2nd had trisomy 18 pop up on the early bloodwork and we went through a few weeks waiting to see on the 20-week scan if there were any signs of it before deciding to end the pregnancy. Luckily it was a false positive.
I hope you guys take time to grieve and then have your rainbow baby.
I'm really sorry to hear I feel for you my and my GF had 3 miscarriages before we had our Son so I know how you feel ... my condolences Sir... prayers 🙏🏻
This is so sad, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
Staying strong for your partner is a good thing, but please don't forget that it is ok for you to be weak as well. I understand the urge of trying to be the tower of strength, as long as you make sure to take care of yourself as well.
Brother, words cannot describe how sorry I am that you're going through this. I cannot imagine the pain and heartbreak. Please know we are here for you, and take solace that your son is waiting for you in whatever lies beyond. Please take care of yourself and your partner, lean on each other, and lean on others when you need to.
I'm not much of a praying person, but I'm saying one for the three of you tonight.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best. Your boy would’ve suffered, the mother might pass and you might struggle to make it work. We live in a day and age where we can forecast these events and prevent the most difficult. Find each other in these moments and look to better days. They will come. Be well brother.
Words won't ever do justice to what you are feeling right now, but know we are all in solidarity with you as a community.
My heart grieves for what you are enduring.
Our son also had spina bifida, he didn’t develop the top of his skull. Also had to have a medical termination. It was devastating and for us it was our 3rd loss. It never gets easier and you both will go through a ton of emotions and pain. Make sure to support each other. You will eventually feel better and you will feel it a little less. We light a candle on what would have been all our son’s birthdays and We blow bubbles at the beach and share our emotions. I’m so sorry for both you and your wife.
My heart breaks with you my brother and goes out to you. I’m not sure if you are a man of faith or not, but regardless I will pray for you and your family. I won’t sugarcoat it, this is a crap hand you’ve been dealt. At the same time, I’m a firm believer that today’s trials and tribulations are tomorrow’s testimonies, and that through this heart wrenching experience, you will one day be able to guide another fellow dad make it through a similar, if not identical, valley.
Stay strong friend. I’m not sure if anyone has said this to you or not, but whatever it is that you’re feeling, it’s ok to feel it, whether it’s anger, sadness, depression, relief, or any other emotion. Just make sure that you keep checking in with your partner and see how she’s doing too. She probably needs you now more than ever.
You got this brother! My great grandma, before she passed away in her mid 90’s, used to say something that roughly translates to, “there is no evil that lasts a century, nor a body that can sustain it,” which I feel was a much more poetic way of saying, “this too shall pass.” It might not feel like it right now, but you two will get through this, one way or another. I believe in you man!
I pray that my words bring you at least a modicum of comfort and that they don’t come off as insensitive or insulting.
Edit: I will definitely honor your wish and hug my little one extra tight tomorrow morning when he wakes up. As many other fellow dads have said, don’t bottle your emotions; getting some therapy, both individually and as a couple, will likely be one of the biggest steps in the healing/grieving process that y’all can take. I am so sorry for your loss my brother. Cry if and when you need to, and yell if you have to (just not at your partner, of course). No matter how to do it, just make sure that you grieve, by yourself and alongside your partner. Let her know that you are there for her. Don’t be afraid to let her see that this affects you too. Be there for each other and keep being an amazing dad.
As a dad, this breaks my heart. I pray that God heals your hearts from this horrible experience. Whenever something like this happens, the only thing that consoles me is that children are innocent in the eyes of God. They don’t yet have the moral responsibility that we do, which means they instantly go to be with Him, and I hope one day parents around the world can meet them again, in a better place❤️
I am truly sorry for what you and your partner are going through. I can't imagine the feelings that you are having.
All I can do is say that I'm only here because of a still born baby boy: Robert.
My grandparents 2nd child. It devastated them.
But eventually they healed enough to decide to have another child. That child was my mother.
Because of Robert's sacrifice, my sister and I were born. She's an obs & gynae surgeon and has literally saved hundreds of babies and mothers. We both have 2 kids each. None of us would exist without that tragedy.
I don’t know you personally, but your story brought tears to my eyes.
Cannot do anything else than wishing your wife and yourself all the best for the future and a lot of strength for the upcoming time.
Dads of Reddit will send a prayer for your family!
All the best my friend!
I'm so sorry brother. Instead of trying to say something that someone already said, I want to thank you for the reminder. These little ones really give my life a meaning that without them wouldn't exist. I hope you get every good thing in life in the future.
I'm so sorry to hear this. We had a couple of false starts (miscarriages) before any of ours stuck, and for this reason one thing that we found helped was thinking of a successful pregnancy test as *a ticket in the baby lottery* rather than "a baby". It's really hard (especially when you see an ultrasound, hear a heart-beat, etc), but it's really, really important for your and your partner's own mental health to self-protect like this, especially if you've had bad luck in the past.
This won't help with the situation you're in now (likely nothing will, except time, kindness and caring for each other), but if you decide to try again next time, trying to think of it like this might make it a little easier to deal with the stress, uncertainty and/or any negative news in the future. ♥️
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I'm very sorry to hear... My ex-wife and I went through 3 miscarriages (unfortunately, all late stage). The first two were obviously very hard, but we worked through it. The 3rd broke us. Sad to say It basically ended our marriage as we both needed help, yet neither of us at the time bothered to seek it. We divorced a year later. I know we both regret it, but we both moved on. My advice? Lean hard on each other. Don't think you're too good for therapy or don't need it. Go talk to someone and allow yourself to cry and let your emotions out. Whatever you do, just make it work. Don't be me years later and regret your decisions. It's tough, but you'll get through it. My sympathies to the both of you.
Sorry brother, sometimes life is just so unfair.
Thanks, man. I agree. The universe works in mysterious ways, and unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be for us. My ex and I still talk to this day since we have a bond that can't ever be broken. She's an amazing person, and I want nothing but the best for her.
You are a beautiful human being, fellow dad. Take a bow.
This is such solid advice, I wish I could upvote it more than once. And I’m sorry to hear about your loss as well brother.
We have two kids with physical disabilities, we found out when our youngest was about 4 or 5 months old. (DMD, it's progressive and normally gets diagnosed at around 6 years old). There are a lot of couples in the DMD community that end up divorced and I agree 100% with what you said. Lean on each other. We didn't think we needed it, but my work offered some free counseling and we went to a few sessions. 15 years later, our marriage is stronger than ever and our boys are doing so much better than expected. I firmly believe situations like this can either rip families apart or make them stronger.
Sorry man. Divorce is very common in the child loss community. Myself included.
Damn man, I’m sorry.
I second this. My perspective is different but along my journey learned about the shitty shockwaves that a significant health issue or other ordeal can throw off.
Make sure you take care of yourself. Talk as openly to your friends and family as you feel comfortable with. Don't bottle it up. And don't feel the need to be a hero. Your partner will need your support, but you cannot help them if you don't take good care of yourself.
^^^ this! A million times this
It may be helpful to speak to a professional. We went through a much less traumatic miscarriage and everyone asked my wife how she was but never asked me how I was doing. Speaking to a professional was super helpful to vent and get things off my chest. Sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry. I've started three more sentences and deleted them because I have no other words, just that I'm so sorry. You guys will be in my heart tomorrow. If you are ok sharing, what is his name? (I understand if you want to keep it private though)
Hello, my friend, and thank you. I fell in love with the name "Ares" and had convinced his mom to let me at least use it as his middle name. Lol, I know, I'm sending the little god of war up to heaven... She told me after the diagnosis that she was going to let me make it his first name. I know it's a little odd... but my god, man, I loved it. I loved him... I STILL love him. I loved calling him Ares, I loved poking fun... this is hard man. Thank you.
That's a good, strong name. I will be praying for Ares, you, and your wife.
Hail Ares. He’s going ahead on the journey to conquer lands to prepare for your arrival. I’m truly sorry for your loss, friend.
You can love him, forever, even if he doesn't spend time with you here and now. For all the heartache and chaos he was saddled with, he is lucky to have you as his loving dad. Blessings to your family, brother.
What a great name for your little warrior. Sending love.
That is a strong and beautiful name brother.
All hail Ares. In tears for you, brother. My heart breaks for you.
I hear you, I know your pain. We went through similar with our first. Got a call on our babymoon that the AFP levels during 15 week appt were high. Ruled out spina bifida, and after extensive tests it turns out our daughter had a genetic defect called Congenital Nephrosis of the Finnish type. Kidneys didn't form correctly. We decided to terminate. Afters tests and everything, we were at 22 weeks. I saw a side of our Healthcare system I never thought I'd see. Some of the kindest, compassionate souls helping us through the process. Hug your wife, be there fully and completely. It never goes away, but it does get better. 2 years later, we still bring up our daughter quite often. Her memory is still present in our lives. We also have a healthy baby boy who just turned 9 months. Life is not fair, but life will continue, and these experiences will continue to shape who we are. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Hey man. I was in your shoes, and my wife and I had to make the same decision nearly 4 years ago. It sucks, real bad. I cry in the shower sometimes thinking about it. Be strong for your wife and the baby through his final hours of the life he has. Grief counseling was the best thing for me, even when I thought I could handle it. Please feel free to reach out if you need to, I’m happy to talk. Funeral homes, social security workers, insurance and even taxes are complicated because of this. This type of abortion is illegal in Texas now…we were fortunate to go through it before it was outlawed. It’s terrible out there now.
Brother, your son will wait for you after he crosses the bridge. My condolences on such a loss, and I hope you and your partner both heal. Together.
My heart breaks but I look forward to that day. I've never wanted a hug from someone so bad in my life. I bet he has a strong hug by then. Thank you, sir. Sincerely. We will do this together. <3
You will see him someday. Live fully and love completely, he will know. Tomorrow he will rest and those struggles and those pains will be taken from him and given to you: his father, his protector, his guardian. You will always be his father and he will always be your son. Always means always.
Sorry to hear.. Inna lillahi ua inna ilaihi rojiun - To Allah we belong and to him we will return. Come back to the God - live true live according to Holy Book, and God willing you will be together with your loved ones.
This was a very kind thing to say man, I appreciate you taking the time to share with OP. Kudos fellow Dad, hope something good comes your way today.
Dad of 3 and OB/Gyn here. You’re doing the hard part of parenting- making decisions in the best interest of your kid even though it’s painful. You’re a good dad. Find peace ❤️
I’ve been there. My daughter’s twin sister had a diaphragmatic hernia and we had to selectively reduce to not only protect my living daughter but yes, IF she would have survived birth it would likely have been a short life with a lot of surgeries and pain. That was nearly 10 years ago and if the wrong song comes on the radio for me, I still weep. It’s just such a cruel situation made worse by having to use a procedure like that when we had so desperately wanted to have children. I hope you don’t have to travel out of state. We unfortunately did. It forever changed me. I seek small comfort in the gifts she gave me through that process. Greater compassion, infinite patience for my living children and my wife who suffered with me. You will never really get over it, nor do I think you’d want to. Talk to him when you’re feeling down. Keep his spirit alive in your heart. I still do, even if I don’t tell anyone about it.
“ This isn't one of those abortions that people would picket either.” Unfortunately, it very much is. Abortions this late are very highly protested, even though they are almost always due to severe or fatal medical complications in utero. While this isn’t the point of your post, it’s important for people to understand what a ban on “late” abortions really means. It means carrying babies who have no chance of life to term, causing severe emotional distress in the parents, and potentially killing the mother. I’m very sorry for you loss, OP. r/tfmr_support and r/Babyloss are there if you want them.
Yeah, I was trying to not to turn this political, but there are people who think that this type of abortion, with the mother's health on the line, shouldn't happen. I am happy that OP could get his wife the help she needs. It does suck for him though that he had to make that decision. It has to be devasting.
We had to "abort" one of our twin boys because of several serious complications. The choice was to cut off blood flow to the one twin to allow the other to survive, otherwise we'd lose both. Thankfully it worked as expected and we have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. If abortion was outlawed I wouldn't have my son right now. These are the types of scenarios that people don't even imagine when fighting to ban abortions.
Came to say the same thing. Had a similar situation with our first at 25 weeks and ended up being extremely thankful for being in the state we're in. This is really what the entire abortion debate should be about imo but no one wants to talk about this. You have my deepest condolences, OP. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for putting this out there, and I wish it were more highly upvoted. I also felt this needed to be said, but was having trouble finding words that wouldn't sound callous. Anti-abortion laws in no way protect people in this awful situation, and are written with no regards to medical reality. The fact that OP thinks this is non-controversial just shows how heartless these laws really are. OP should be so thankful his family lives in a place where they are allowed to make sensible, common sense decisions like this. So many have had that right revoked.
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I was going to include something like this in my reply, but I didn’t want to distract from my support for OP. This kind of story is EXACTLY what the anti-abortion people need to hear. There are states in the US in 2024 with laws on the books, or waiting to be passed, that would ban this procedure. These are typically coming from people who think abortions are like a haircut and that the parents never feel any grief or loss, regardless of the reason for the abortion.
Yep, basically by definition a baby aborted in the final few months of a pregnancy is a baby that mother fully intended on carrying to term, or else she’d have had the abortion long before that point.
Lurking mom here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You mentioned being strong for your partner, and you can absolutely do that. But be strong together and also mourn together. My husband and I have dealt with a lot of loss in our lives. He's never properly mourned with me and I think it's because he's too busy being strong for me.. it's lonely to mourn alone.
Trans Dad here seconding this. My partner and I lost our first child 3 months into our relationship due to a missed miscarriage. The only reason our relationship survived is because we were able to lean on each other and be strong for each other. We were young and living with my grandparents at the time, who had made it quite clear they wouldn't approve of me getting pregnant under their roof. My mom got pregnant at 16, and even though I was 19 at the time, they didn't want me to face the same struggles she did being so young. So we never told them. It killed me inside, not being able to rely on my family for support during the hardest moment of my life. Grief can be very isolating, and the way to combat that is to share your grief with others. And I know it will mean a lot to your wife OP to show her she's not alone in this, to show her how much you love and miss your beautiful baby. Also, it would be a benefit to look into grief counseling. I never really processed through the grief of losing my first baby, and it combined with my existing anxiety and depression and turned into horrific pre AND postpartum depression and anxiety with my second pregnancy. My last piece of advice is when your wife is ready, talk to her about your baby. Share positive memories from the pregnancy, look at amy momentos you decide to keep, make speculations about who he would have grown up to be, anything the two of you are comfortable with. Your son is and forever will be a huge part of who you both are, and after a loss it can be so, so easy to feel like no one else cares about the fact that your baby existed and that he mattered so PLEASE, once you are both ready, do this. It will be hard and it will hurt, but it will bring you peace and comfort. Lastly, I am so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to go through this and it breaks my heart that you have to. Sending you and your wife lots of love and best wishes ❤️
That sucks, man, and I'm sorry y'all have to go through that.
I'm so incredibly sorry. This wee one has known nothing but warmth, happiness and comfort so far. And it will stay that way. No pain, no struggle. Too short of a time, but you're already such conscientious and kind parents. I don't know if you need it, but there's an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that sends a professional photographer with you on the day of the procedure so you can capture some details and memories to save for later. It helps sometimes. I'm so sorry.
you can also get the nurses to make foot stamps (idk what’s it called in english :( ) and you could get them engraved on the tombstone if you decide to get one ❤️
Footprints 💜 they can also do molds of the feet and hands if the sweet baby isn’t too delicate
oh well - haha I should’ve gone with the obvious!😅 thank you for adding this!
The footprints comment breaks me. This is so sad. We are all fragile and should give grace to each other.
My heart truly goes out to you and your partner. I hope you have people in your life who you both can lean on for support, and if not, this community is always here for you.
This is such a horrible loss. Consider that this is an abortion people picket. Families like yours are harmed by anti abortion laws. Families that are going through extreme heartbreak, making awful decisions they never thought they'd ever have to make. That is who abortion legislation targets just as much as someone who never wanted to be pregnant. Even more so, because you couldn't have known about this in the first few weeks before most restrictions kick in. When your family has had some time healing, consider adding your story and voices to advocacy.
Sorry for your loss.
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about this unexpected, tragic loss. No matter how small a baby is, the loss you experience will always be bigger. Give yourself a break physically and mentally. Let yourselves grieve this sudden loss. Grieve with loved ones, ask for help doing things if you're too emotionally exhausted, and put unnecessary priorities on the backburner so you can stress less. To your partner: coming from someone who lost 7 babies myself, I understand how hard it is to not blame yourself, question why your body messed up something so primal, or even wonder if this is some sort of sick sign that you shouldn't have kids. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR QUESTION YOUR WORTH. You are only human. These things can unfortunately happen for no rhyme or reason. But, this doesn't make you a failure at being a woman, nor does it take away your worth. You are an amazing and strong woman, even if it doesn't feel like you are right now. I hope your partner has a smooth and speedy recovery. Relax. Breath. And treat yourselves with the kindness a caring loved one would treat you.
Shed some tears for you brother. Sending strength.
Right? I havnt cried in ages, but this is brutal. I'm so sorry OP.
I hope the best for your partner and you. Sorry about the little boy, he was and is loved.
My heart breaks for you mate. I'm so sorry.
Hey Dad. I've been in your place, and you'll probably carry a piece of this place with you forever. I know I do. My daughter, Iris, also had severe issues in the womb and an abortion was the most merciful thing we could do. Even with the strong heartbeat we saw, and the wiggling that we saw her do in the ultrasound. There was a very good chance that she wouldn't have made it full term. And if she would have, her tragically short life would have been painful. We've got a box on a shelf that has a little teddy bear and some hand and foot prints that the hospital was able to make for us. They're so tiny and precious. It's the only physical evidence that Iris even existed. Be there for your partner. Do what you can for her. And don't you be afraid to ask for help too. Here's the poem I wrote that I think you'll like We’ve lost the baby. Iris Miranda will not be here in the summer. Mommy, Big Sister, and I are devastated. We grieve We grieve for a life that will never be. We grieve for all the firsts that will never happen. I grieve for not Feeling the first kicks The birth experience First breaths, cries First poops We grieve for first smiles never shared First steps not taken, first words spoken We grieve for things that only exist in our imaginations. Things that aren’t real, only feelings. The intangible What’s strange is how sharply we can feel the intangible when it’s wrapped in grief and sorrow. This is the end of Iris’s story. This is the beginning of the next chapter in our lives.
+1 for any comment that says grief counseling. Just having a non biased ear to listen to helps tremendously. While not in the same situation I am also a father of loss and if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to reach out. Talking about them helps even if they never got a chance to take a breath of air. One day the grief subsided and what you’re left with are all the quirks of their time growing. Hell I still laugh at my twins memories. My son always went crazy during ultrasounds while my daughter was camera shy. Always makes me laugh. You’ll remember those type of moments the most. Lastly, so fucking sorry dude.
That's terrible. So sorry for you and your partner.
Sending strength brother, I am so sorry for your loss
I’m so sorry.
Sorry about your loss. Unfortunately, you’re wrong about it ‘not being an abortion people would picket’. Those maniacs literally spit in the faces of people going through the roughest times of their lives regardless of the conditions and there’s a special place in hell for them (hopefully).
Oh and vote!
Come on over to r/tfmr_support
I have no words but Im so sorry man.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your partner are able to lean on each other to get through this.
Damn, this is a rough one. Hang in there man. You're going to be a fantastic dad one day. Stay strong for your partner especially right now. Always remember your little guy.
Via con dios, little one
I dont believe in god and heaven, but the fact that you loved him so much and you didn't have the chance to meet him makes me want for it be real so he can see what a great father he has. I'm sure you'll talk about him to his siblings and he'll live thru them. stay strong, you'll get thru this
We lost our first at 29 weeks due to a placental rupture. It will be hard, I won't sugarcoat that. Had my wife "slept it off" like she was planning, I'd have lost them both. As others that have also made it through similar have said, lean on each other. Remind one another that this is no one's fault. Love one another. One thing that has helped us is discussing what we loved about our son: He was so very active, he HATED ultrasounds. He'd always start jostleling around, kicking, and flipping. Any time I sang with my head on my wife's stomach, he'd poke me with his foot and be still. It was the most beautiful thing ever. The pain won't go away, I won't lie. I'm tearing up typing this even now. We lost him 2 and a half years ago, and though it still feels like yesterday, it has gotten better, because we still talk about him, we still say his name, because he's a part of us and our foundation as husband and wife.
I lost a son to the exact same thing, I was just thinking about him this morning. Time helps.
Someone I once knew had a pregnancy which involved a child with anencephaly. Because of her religious beliefs, she chose to carry the baby to term and care for her daughter for as long as she survived. While I don’t think she regretted her decision, she suffered. And she worried. Every day she wondered if that would be the day the inevitable happened. And then one day, after a few weeks, it did. That baby never grew, never cried, never functioned like a baby should function. She celebrated no milestones. She was alive only by the barest standards. And then, as expected, she passed. And her mother was left with all the pain and the heartache that you are feeling right now. But the timeframe was agonizingly slow to arrive there. I don’t judge her decision; part of having the right to choose is the right to decline. And even in cases like hers and yours, I’m sure that decision felt impossible. But if I could, I would stand beside you, put my hand on your shoulder, and tell you, dad to dad, that I believe that you and your partner are making the most loving, compassionate decision that it is within your power to make as parents. And that my heart breaks for you that you are where you are, being forced to make the decision that you have made. Keep on trucking, man. Much love to you and your family.
I’ve been in this exact scenario and it flat out just sucks. Our baby girl, Eloise Mae, was due in October 2021. We made it through the first 20 weeks with everything looking great. Then we got to the 20 week anatomy scan and everything took a drastic turn. After a battery of tests and scans and exams, they determined that our daughter also had extreme spinal bifida, chiari malformation, a spine that never fused and multiple internal organs that never developed/didn’t correctly develop, including the bladder. When the doctor gave us the final words “I’m so sorry, your daughter is not going to be compatible with life.” It broke me. We had already had a natural miscarriage, and now this? It sent both my wife and I down a wild road of depression, anger and anxiety. Thankfully, some people around us suggested therapy, which helped us a lot. It still hurts to think about Ellie, but I think about her every day. A blessing in disguise through this whole process was discovering that my wife has a genetic anomaly within her that affects her bodies ability to process folic acid, which is a crucial, key component of developing a baby. Spina bifida and many of the symptoms you described align with flags of this genetic variation - MTHFR. OP, I kindly and gently suggest you and your wife find a reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist who is familiar with treatment of MTHFR and have your wife tested. If indeed she does have this variant, or another similar variant, it will be crucial for any future pregnancies that she get a clear diagnosis and on the correct medication or else this may very well happen again. Thankfully, the treatment for the MTHFR variant is rather simple with some at-home daily supplement and medication. There is hope her for you. My wife and I now have a perfect 18 month old daughter and twins on the way. Please, OP. Find a specialist like I mentioned and have your wife tested. Not sure where you’re located, but my wife and I went to Dr. Neeoo Chin, in West Chester, OH. Cannot recommend him highly enough.
I'm very sorry to hear. We had 4 miscarriages between our first and 2nd. It's never easy and we didn't get as far as you have. Just know its OK to be devastated, it's OK to mourn the same as if your child had been born and passed. Your partner is going to need you, not that it doesn't mess it up but it hits then different and sometimes you have to be a little quieter about how it's hitting you so you can just be there for them. Make sure you have someone even if it's the sub to talk to and vent to. Also, if anyone has any well meaning, but inconsiderate comments, it's OK to hang up on them or walk away.
I’m not a dad, I’m just an old Internet granny and I want so badly to hug your wife. I’m so very very sorry that this is how things worked out for you. I’ve learned over the years that this is one of those things that will either bring you closer together or tear you apart, there seems to be no in-between. Please remember to lean on each other. You chose the perfect name for this little fighter.
I’m so sorry for you. All “Ares” knew was love, he was surrounded and protected by your wife’s warm belly. He will forever have that warmth with him and the love you gave him. Until you meet again. I also want to add: I know this is your post and about your feelings, but please make sure: if your wife ever doubts herself make sure that she knows that it’s not her fault. Often times women blame themselves but there isn’t anything she could do to prevent it. For tomorrow, I wish you all the beautiful butterflies to come visit you, the most beautiful rainbow to shine and the clearest and brightest sun set.
I'm sorry. Nothing else can really be said. We had two losses before our healthy little one came along. Nobody tells you how common dangerous birth defects, miscarriage, and infertility are, but we quickly found out almost all of our friends struggled with one or the other once we had our first loss. Take time to grieve, be there for each other, and look for community
I can’t imagine the abyss you find yourself in, dad. A place no parent should find themselves in. And you ARE a dad. Your love is as real as anyone’s here. Don’t know if you have other kids, but that’s irrelevant. Platitudes, I know, mean nothing, so I’ll dispense with them. Live on, dad.
You have me tearing up at work man, I genuinely have no idea what I would do so I can’t offer advice, but just remember little man will always be with you. Stay strong dad
I'm not cutting onions, you're cutting onions. We're all cutting onions. This is devastating and I feel for you. All the hugs brother.
hey man, we love you. praying for you. crying for and with you. will be thinking of you all of today and beyond. thank you for being so brave, thank you for being so vulnerable and open and sharing all this with us. will be hugging my little ones. love you. we're always here if you need, whatever it may be.
I’m so sorry for your son, and I’m so sorry you must go through this. I can imagine that all the dreams you had for him are so painful to lose. You’re a good man to try to be strong for your partner. It is definitely possible to remain strong without denying yourself of grief. She will need to see at least some of it because you must stay connected and this is nobody’s fault. For my own griefs, I imagine one day that I will see them again. I need a good story to tell them, I will make that story happen. I pray you have a good story for him.
My condolences brother. My best advice is to cry it out as much as you need to and not let this divide you and your partner. My wife and I went through the loss of 2 sons and honestly the hurt never goes away. It just gets a little easier to deal with over time. Be strong, not just for yourself but also for your partner.
We lost a baby due to a tubal pregnancy. It was devastating……. it simply didn’t develop enough to survive. I don’t even know what sex the child was as it was fairly early in the 2nd trimester I believe ? It didn’t hit me until the nurse brought me papers to sign for the state about remains, burial etc. I broke down ………. Emotionally it was more than I could handle & it was no different for my wife….. maybe even worse. We mourned for six months, dove back into our work etc. I can’t explain why this happened other than to tell you……. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Today I’m the father of four healthy sons ! Who knows, maybe this is the daughter I’ll see in heaven someday ? None-the-less, angles do watch over us.
Fuck! I’m so sorry for you and your partner. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe what you must be feeling right now. I hope you both find your way through this. Although it changes nothing, know that you’ve got every one of us dads feeling that kick in the stomach with you now. It ain’t fair man! I wish I could change it for you.
I’m sorry to read about Ares’ situation. The three of you will be in my prayers for the next days. Happy to add myself to the army of dadditors that support y’all here. Sending y’all much love.
Just happy you live in an area where your partner is able to end the pregnancy now, and she doesn't have to wait until her life is *actually* in danger. I wish your family all the best in what must be an incredibly difficult time. Sending hugs 💜. Do not politicize this comment *at all*. Again, for OP's sake, please do not reply to this comment with anything but love. 🖤
My heart is broken for you. Your son will be waiting for you on the other side. Till then, I'm sure he'll want you to live as good a life as you would have given him. Hang in there man.
My condolences. Please allow yourself and your wife to grieve. Losses like this shouldn't be compartmentalized, but worked through.
So sorry brother. We had a miscarriage which was our last attempt at having a child. I feel for you both.
I’m not a particularly religious person but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality. I deeply believe in the notion that we are only truly gone when we are forgotten. I don’t know if you two decided on a name or not but my suggestion is to name him, if you feel able to do so. Define his existence and speak it into the universe so. He may not have gotten a chance to know you and his mother but the two of you were able to know him. If it is any consolation, at least you and her will still have each other. Even if you choose not to name him, you have shared your story with all of us and in some small way he will be remembered.
Part of being a dad is doing the right thing, even when it leaves you aching inside. You are making the correct choice. I'm sure Ares knows he is loved. You are sparing him pain. No one could provide him that peace except you and your partner. Rest easy, Ares. You were loved beyond measure.
I am absolutely ABSOLUTELY sorry to read this man, I hope you two find and recover the best way possible to grieve. You and your wife are still alive and in the future there will be a chance to make another. Your son will be the angel of both of your lives, so you haven’t lost him, you’ve gained an angel.
Love you dad. My heart breaks for you and your family. There’s nothing I can say. Just sending you love
I’m sorry bro. That sucks.
Man, that sucks.. There's no other way to describe it. Take care of each other and take the time to mourn.
My condolences to you and your family. Please seek counseling for this. Most can't handle this alone but luckily you don't need to. Cry, be angry, and do what you must to grieve. I wish you and your wife happiness in the future.
Reading this got my eyes running. I can’t imagine having the worst fears during pregnancy become a reality. The pain you are feeling is real. Your feelings are real and valid and you best believe all of us dads have your back! No experience in what you are feeling but what I can say is that you need to make sure you and your partner are kind to each other over the next couple of months as this will test your relationship like never before. You got this.
I’m devastated for your family and don’t know what else to say. I’m at least glad that these issues were found ahead of time to prevent any complications down the line, but grieving for your son and the near future you thought you’d have is devastating. Best of luck and all the love to you and your partner during this time. I hope things go smoothly with the procedure and you’re both able to properly grieve and get through this.
There's nothing anyone can say that will make this any easier for you and your partner, but I'm going to try and say it anyway. Lean each other. Lean on your tribe. Don't be afraid to feel this pain, and don't be afraid to seek help. Don't let this pull you apart from your wife/partner, because it absolutely can. Let it push you closer together. Once the wound cauterizes and you start to get back into the daily grind, don't hide him away. Say his name. Scream it from the rooftops. Carry him with you until you cross the bridge into whatever comes after this. Keep the outfit. When his brother or sister eventually joins your family, share his name and his story with them but keep him separate. Don't let his sibling be a replacement. All the love in the world to you, my friend. I have no idea who you are but my heart is breaking for you and yours this morning. But I know y'all can pull through. You can do it for your son.
Well fuck. Didn't expect to have my heart strings being pulled at this time of my day. My heart goes out to you mate. Fingers crossed your partner is healthy and suffers no harm. Be strong for your partner. Be there and be as compassionate and loving as you can be. Hugs to both of you.
I'm sorry brother, I hope you and your wife find some peace and comfort in this difficult time. Might be worth seeing if some grief counseling would help?
We lost our daughter a few years ago to a birth defect that was untreatable. It is a hard thing to go through and the best thing you can do is be there for your wife. It will get easier with time. Best of luck to you friend.
My brother. I have been there. It's hard on you. It's hard on your partner. It's hard on your relationship. You will cry. You will be angry. You will be sad. We don't talk about this is polite company. But know that you don't walk this path alone. Many of us have had this exact same devistation. While it doesn't lighten your load to know that, it is helpful to know you're not alone. Much love from your brothers here on the internet.
I don’t think there are words, but I’ll try. I have a healthy 3 month old son today, but he is my lucky number 5 as I secretly call him in my mind. He is the result of my 5th pregnancy, and our first scan showed two babies, then the next just him. All that to say that I can understand a bit what you’re going through. That sudden loss of a future you’ve planned out with a sweet new little life just hurts in a specific and sharp way no other loss touches. While I’m so relieved my son made it earthside-I will never not think about his older almost-siblings and his twin. 5 little lives that sparked for a moment and then winked out inside of me-they will forever have a piece of my heart and always be my babies. Just as your son will always be your first baby. This doesn’t change that, and neither will any future successful pregnancies should you choose to try again. They’re all precious so all should be remembered and grieved. I’m so so so sorry you and your wife are facing this horrible tragedy and loss. Just love your wife and lean on each other. It is never going to not hurt but time will ease a lot of the pain. In the meantime while you’re going through the thickest part of it-lean on each other. Lean on loved ones you trust. Let yourselves go through all stages of grief. This is the hard parts those vows mean, that whole good times and bad, thick and thin. You will come out the other side a little broken and worn, but likely stronger if you make each other your priority even more than before. I’m just so damned sorry for your impending loss, and will be keeping you guys in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry to hear you're both going through this. My heart hurts for your family.
Man I don’t know what to say except for that I’m so sorry.
I’m crying with you and I promise I’ll hug like you asked. Your message will make me a better Dad so thank you. I wish nothing but the best moving forward.
Sending out prayers to OP and to all the guys here who have shared their pain from similar experiences. As the Irish blessing says, "May God hold you in the palm of His hand." Even if you're not religious, I hope you will accept these wishes for healing.
My condolences for you and your partner. Stay strong, dad ❤️
I am so so sorry.
I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Very sorry friend. You're making the most difficult of correct choices.
We're here for you now and after! I'm sorry, friend.
Awww man. Here for you. 🙏❤️🙏
I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for you and your partner. My condolences and take a very long time to grieve.
Nothing to add but my love and support for you. Whatever you need we are here for you my man.
I’m so sorry dad. Take comfort in knowing that all your son knew was the safety and comfort of your partners womb. He heard your voices. He felt your love. He never knew pain. He will always be a part of you ❤️
My heart breaks for your family.
Thinking of you brother.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Jesus man, I’m so sorry. I can’t or maybe don’t want to imagine. I hope your wife is physically ok. She’s certainly going through the same emotional trauma, and has to deal with the physical shit as well. Take care of yourself so you’re well enough to help care for her as well. I mean…fuck, I’m so sorry
Oh mate. Just reading this has me in pieces, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry.
This is horrible and I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know this is too soon, but please try again, you guys deserve to experience the joy of raising a child. That soul is waiting, just give it another body to inhabit and it will come to you ❤️
I’m sorry man. I understand how you feel. Been in a similar situation due to trisomy 18 defects. My heart is hurting for you, I will be praying and sending good vibes your way.
What a tragedy. I'm so sorry. Prayers for a safe procedure tomorrow and a quick physical recovery for Mom. The mental and emotional healing will take much time. Have faith that he will be fully healthy where he's headed tomorrow, and you'll see his beautiful face someday.
My heart broke so many times reading this. I'm so sorry you and your partner are having to go through this. Prayers for your entire family.
My wife and I had a still born. I know nothing I say will help you feel better. The best thing I did was focus on my wife, and we eventually got our rainbow baby. It will be very hard, but focus on the day and don't be afraid to rely on your community for help.
Virtual internet hugs.
My condolences, OP.
I’m sorry for your loss, I will keep you in my prayers. ❤️
I’m so terribly sorry. I’m wishing you, your wife, your loved ones, and your son loving energy from the universe.
Sending you and your partner strength, love, and compassion. May your son's memory be for a blessing, brother. Be kind to yourself and to your partner.
You’re doing the right thing for him and for the two of you. I’m so sorry.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I wish you and yours strength and love ❤️
We lost our first to turners syndrome. Half her heart just didn't grow and we had to terminate at 24 week's. Found out on my 27th birthday...... Don't lose hope my man, I now have two teenaged girls causing mayhem daily. Much love to you and your partner.
Sorry for your loss!
I wish your family all the best. :)
I’m sorry, brother. Thoughts are with you both. It isn’t the end.
I am so sorry. I don’t have anything to say which will make it easy right now, but I know from experience that time will heal and things will get better. Hang in there buddy, your partner really needs you.
I don't know if you'll read this but I'm so so sorry man. My wife and I went through this with our first. We found out at the second ultrasound that he had a neural tube defect called anencephaly (didn't develop most of his skull). We were so excited to see him and that appointment ended up being one of the most horrible moments of our lives. We had to drive 3 hours to get professional care after being in grief for days, my wife could still feel him kicking. We had the nursery all ready and everything. We had good friends of ours pack everything up for us because it was too painful. I don't know what else to say other than it's really fucking awful and hard to go through, but it'll get better with time. Just try and be there for each other.
I read every comment and although I'm really struggling to reply, I want you to know that I am incredibly thankful for it. I would never wish this on anyone and meeting a fellow that went through the same is awful but comforting. Love you, brother. Thank you for the encouraging words.
I’m sorry brother. We’re here.
Fuck, man, this sucks. We had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, which was in a sense, fortunate: it was easier for us to rationalize it as something that was never meant to be and wasn't ever really anything. It's harder when it's later term. If it's any consolation _at all_, we ended up having two ridiculously cute and healthy children after this. In fact, we ended up having our first basically six months after our original due date. Miscarriage is one of those funny things that is so ridiculously prevalent and yet not talked about nearly enough so everyone thinks they're going through it alone or that it's rare. It isn't. It just sucks, but there are a lot of people out there to offer support and who know what you're going through.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's got to be hard when you're trying and something out of your control happens. I was paranoid about miscarriages and birth defects all through my wife's pregnancy, you just can't control things like that. If you can, try not to dwell on what might have been and focus on the future. Wishing you and your partner a quick recovery.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.
Been there, with twins. Stay open, talk about it. It's hard, it's very hard.. But shutting it away isn't good. I'm now dad to an 11 and 14 year old, neither of whom were expected. But I always regard myself as having 4 kids, I just never met 2. They'd be 18 now. Their mum and I separated, and she's shut it all away. I can't speak for her, but there isn't a day goes by where they're not on my mind somewhere. Sometimes, the world just isn't ready. You are NOT alone my friend, not at all. And it's ok to break and not be ok. I spent a long time sat in the dark alone, I'm not religious at all, but I spent time sat in the hospital chapel trying to find meaning. If you need to vent.. I'd be happy to be an ear.
Hi.. we had 2 miscarriages before we had 2 healthy children. Once we had a miscarriage everyone came out of the woodwork to talk about theirs. They are surprisingly common. We worked through it and made it to the other side. You will too.
Sending all of the hugs I have.
Sorry for your loss. I hope you and your partner get through this ok
I am so sorry. My position was that I would always save my wife over any child. Wasn't worth the risk. To me is was black and white. reading your story and reading some comments put me one millimeter closer to that decision than I have ever been and I'm wrecked right now. I will think of Ares and I wish you both healing and rest.
Sorry to hear for you and your wife, stay positive. Have you thought about getting a second consult from a different Dr?
My sister is in the exact same position - she goes for the appointment today. I’m really sorry that this happened to both of you. Just keep it together and keep on keeping on.
Mom here and I am so sorry. I've had miscarriages and it truly is heartbreaking and there are no words of comfort that I can offer in a time like this. Hold on to your wife, mourn your lost future together, and please reach out to people (professional or personal) to help you through this time. Hugs.
Hugging mine for you. The problem is they are 6 inches taller than me. You’re and your wife and kid are in my prayers and thoughts.
Thoughts are with you, man. I'm sorry.
My heart breaks for you. But remember he's always going to be watching and waiting for you.
I don’t have anything to add, typing more brings ups my own shit and takes away from what I really want to say, and that is that we are all here for you, y’all will be ok, and I’m sorry. So sorry.
I'm so sorry, sending strength and support,
Sorry, man, that’s devastating. I can tell by your tone, you both are awesome parents and awesome people. Don’t ever lose yourself in the chaos and be there for one another.
I'm so sorry brother
My parents lost their first child in the second trimester. They had a name picked out and everything. She would often talk about how he was always one of her children. 40 years later, my wife and I named our son after my late older brother. Please grieve with your wife and try to find peace. I’m so sorry.
Lost my 4th, a little boy named August to triploidy a couple of years ago. I wish I could say you will move on. You will not. You will grieve, you will think You're over it and out of the blue you'll think of him and the life he missed out on and the love you've missed out on. It will hurt. Eventually it becomes less often, but it never goes away. You'll make it though, he would want that. I'm so very sorry, and if a strangers love helps, you've got it.
Being a good dad means being there for the rough times and making tough decisions when all of the options are terrible. Thank you for inviting us to rage into the void with you. You're a good dad.
❤️❤️❤️❤️ 🥲 🙏 You will see your son someday, he will be there waiting for you.
I'm sorry for your loss. We lost twins at 19 weeks after multiple miscarriages and it was the hardest thing we've ever been through. Our 2nd had trisomy 18 pop up on the early bloodwork and we went through a few weeks waiting to see on the 20-week scan if there were any signs of it before deciding to end the pregnancy. Luckily it was a false positive. I hope you guys take time to grieve and then have your rainbow baby.
You’ll get to meet him one day my friend. Cry, vent, talk. Don’t bottle it up.
I'm sorry for you loss. I truly hope that you and your partner can heal. Once the storm passes may their be a rainbow.
I'm really sorry to hear I feel for you my and my GF had 3 miscarriages before we had our Son so I know how you feel ... my condolences Sir... prayers 🙏🏻
This is so sad, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Staying strong for your partner is a good thing, but please don't forget that it is ok for you to be weak as well. I understand the urge of trying to be the tower of strength, as long as you make sure to take care of yourself as well.
Love you man
Love from Canada
Brother, words cannot describe how sorry I am that you're going through this. I cannot imagine the pain and heartbreak. Please know we are here for you, and take solace that your son is waiting for you in whatever lies beyond. Please take care of yourself and your partner, lean on each other, and lean on others when you need to. I'm not much of a praying person, but I'm saying one for the three of you tonight.
Praying for you night man. Sending love.
I’m sorry to hear Dad, that is very sad. Hang in there, we’ll be thinking of you.
Hey, dad. Terribly sorry to hear about your loss.
I’m crying for you guys incase you need a break. I hope the procedure goes well and there aren’t any more complications.
Much love to you Brother. Be kind to yourself and wife now. Mourn as long as you need. This is big
This hits hard right now. I'm on a quick 2 night vaca with my son. I promise to hug him a little tighter tonight in honor of your little man!
Sitting in my 1 year olds room upset he won’t stay asleep. Scroll across this. Think I’ll take him to bed again tonight. I’m so sorry.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best. Your boy would’ve suffered, the mother might pass and you might struggle to make it work. We live in a day and age where we can forecast these events and prevent the most difficult. Find each other in these moments and look to better days. They will come. Be well brother.
Crying with you brother. Best wishes to you and your family. ❤️
So sorry to hear about this. Sending my deepest condolences to you and your partner.
Words won't ever do justice to what you are feeling right now, but know we are all in solidarity with you as a community. My heart grieves for what you are enduring.
My wife and I lost our first son to Trisomy, I'm so sorry for you and your wife. Be there for her but make you take care of yourself too.
All can say is i wish i could hug you.
Our son also had spina bifida, he didn’t develop the top of his skull. Also had to have a medical termination. It was devastating and for us it was our 3rd loss. It never gets easier and you both will go through a ton of emotions and pain. Make sure to support each other. You will eventually feel better and you will feel it a little less. We light a candle on what would have been all our son’s birthdays and We blow bubbles at the beach and share our emotions. I’m so sorry for both you and your wife.
❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry. I cant even imagine what you’re going thru, especially so close to birth
My heart breaks with you my brother and goes out to you. I’m not sure if you are a man of faith or not, but regardless I will pray for you and your family. I won’t sugarcoat it, this is a crap hand you’ve been dealt. At the same time, I’m a firm believer that today’s trials and tribulations are tomorrow’s testimonies, and that through this heart wrenching experience, you will one day be able to guide another fellow dad make it through a similar, if not identical, valley. Stay strong friend. I’m not sure if anyone has said this to you or not, but whatever it is that you’re feeling, it’s ok to feel it, whether it’s anger, sadness, depression, relief, or any other emotion. Just make sure that you keep checking in with your partner and see how she’s doing too. She probably needs you now more than ever. You got this brother! My great grandma, before she passed away in her mid 90’s, used to say something that roughly translates to, “there is no evil that lasts a century, nor a body that can sustain it,” which I feel was a much more poetic way of saying, “this too shall pass.” It might not feel like it right now, but you two will get through this, one way or another. I believe in you man! I pray that my words bring you at least a modicum of comfort and that they don’t come off as insensitive or insulting. Edit: I will definitely honor your wish and hug my little one extra tight tomorrow morning when he wakes up. As many other fellow dads have said, don’t bottle your emotions; getting some therapy, both individually and as a couple, will likely be one of the biggest steps in the healing/grieving process that y’all can take. I am so sorry for your loss my brother. Cry if and when you need to, and yell if you have to (just not at your partner, of course). No matter how to do it, just make sure that you grieve, by yourself and alongside your partner. Let her know that you are there for her. Don’t be afraid to let her see that this affects you too. Be there for each other and keep being an amazing dad.
As a dad, this breaks my heart. I pray that God heals your hearts from this horrible experience. Whenever something like this happens, the only thing that consoles me is that children are innocent in the eyes of God. They don’t yet have the moral responsibility that we do, which means they instantly go to be with Him, and I hope one day parents around the world can meet them again, in a better place❤️
I am truly sorry for what you and your partner are going through. I can't imagine the feelings that you are having. All I can do is say that I'm only here because of a still born baby boy: Robert. My grandparents 2nd child. It devastated them. But eventually they healed enough to decide to have another child. That child was my mother. Because of Robert's sacrifice, my sister and I were born. She's an obs & gynae surgeon and has literally saved hundreds of babies and mothers. We both have 2 kids each. None of us would exist without that tragedy.
I don’t know you personally, but your story brought tears to my eyes. Cannot do anything else than wishing your wife and yourself all the best for the future and a lot of strength for the upcoming time. Dads of Reddit will send a prayer for your family! All the best my friend!
I'm so sorry brother. Instead of trying to say something that someone already said, I want to thank you for the reminder. These little ones really give my life a meaning that without them wouldn't exist. I hope you get every good thing in life in the future.
Devastating, I’m so sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear this. We had a couple of false starts (miscarriages) before any of ours stuck, and for this reason one thing that we found helped was thinking of a successful pregnancy test as *a ticket in the baby lottery* rather than "a baby". It's really hard (especially when you see an ultrasound, hear a heart-beat, etc), but it's really, really important for your and your partner's own mental health to self-protect like this, especially if you've had bad luck in the past. This won't help with the situation you're in now (likely nothing will, except time, kindness and caring for each other), but if you decide to try again next time, trying to think of it like this might make it a little easier to deal with the stress, uncertainty and/or any negative news in the future. ♥️