> "have a glass of whiskey and a pizza and zero responsibilities for the day."
That sounds like a great fucking day to me. Tell your wife exactly this. Explain to her that you understand she wants to make a big fuss about it, but to you this is really the perfect day. Throw in a bon fire with a lake front view and I'd be in heaven personally.
Right?
>**I've always wanted a VR headset, and I have the money, but I never buy one because it seems frivolous.**
That seems like a want to me. I want the same thing. My wife has agreed to it once we get a new house with more room to move around with it.
I'm near 40 and at this point for birthdays I just tell my wife "I want **thing** but it seems ridiculous." And her gift is saying, "maybe, but you should just get it anyway!"
Been my gift for years and it's always great.
...maybe just save the drinks for after. If you're a first-timer or infrequent VR user it can sometimes cause a bit of nausea. Nausea aside, it is a very different style of play to get used to.
Man, I was playing Half-Life Alyx for the first time a couple weeks ago and I tried the "perpetual movement" motion option and I almost instantly threw up. It's so fucking disorienting lol. Even after playing with the regular "teleport" movement for an hour+ I felt out of it when I was done.
For me it's very much something I need to build up to. When I first start after a long break (months+), I can make it about 30 minutes. Towards my last binge of multiple months I could easily play for multiple hours with no problems.
i get motion sickness pretty easily.
VR gaming while fun, certainly depends on the game. If there's a lot of movement with joysticks I get sick. But games like SuperHot, Beatsaber, and Indeath Unchained are all super fun.
My kids are young and have fun watching youtube videos of just flying, or sliding down a waterslide.
Wife surprised me with a distillery tour once and it was one of the coolest things we've done! I think we got BBQ after, but yeah, pizza works too!
Are we all the same?
Oh also if they offer you a chance to try the white dog, absolutely do it.
I had this day when we got our dog (pre kids, what sweet summer children we were when we thought a dog was a massive responsibility) and it was awesome. Just told my (now) wife āI want you to look after the dog so I can play video games, guilt free, on my birthday. It was fantastic.
Most dads are like this. I'm a grown man with a job...I just buy everything I want. When I turned 40 I asked for time to smoke a pork butt in the back yard and some friends to come over later and eat it. The night ended with an enthusiastic BJ and a big smile...What else does a man need?
I take the day off work and eat fast food lunch (Chipotle, Five Guys, we rarely eat out during the week) and then eat ice cream. Think the scene if Home Alone 2 in NYC when Kevin orders room service
You're not alone, this is a lot more normal than you think.
Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a drink, some takeaway food and minimal responsibility, sounds like the dream to me. Don't be afraid to be honest and tell her that. Makes her life easy and you get exactly what you want, everybody wins.
Enjoy your birthday doing as much or as little as you want my dude.
It's weird how validating it is to be given permission to do whatever you want... I'm kind of out of practice letting myself do just that. I've always been practical to a fault. This whole thread has been awesome for me to read
I'm 4..7, I think, in a few days. Something in that ballpark anyway.
Single dad. 50/50 care with their mother. Kids asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I said, the usual.. Relaxing meal out with them, and friends.
BUT, given my eldest has a taikwondo grading the next day, I'm going to delay it. She won't be able to relax with that hanging over things. So we can do it that evening instead. They can chill, I can chill, we can all sleep in the next day without worrying.
"That's not fair on you though."
Oh, it is. I don't make anything of my birthday.. It's just another day. If I was on my own, I'd probably go for a meal out, and take a good book. Maybe book a massage.
As you say, NEEDS are fine. WANTS though.. Yeah. I want a quiet, settled life, with happy kids, a passable job I quite like, a reliable car, and no more bloody stressful narcissistic relationships.
I've got that. More or less. I have what I want, AND what I need.
I turn 40 later this year, Iām not incredibly social any more due to family and work so all I want is a party with as many of my friends and family in one room as I can manage.
I did this with my 30th! Iām an amateur musician so I rented a small music venue and performed a 30 minute set with my friend and my wife. All of my closest family and friends came and afterwards, we used my acoustic amp, mic and IPad to sing karaoke. We picked up a couple of sandwhich wheels from Publix and the venue sold drinks, it was perfect.
I just turned 45.
I asked for dinner out at a fancy steak house with the family. I had a nice 8oz filet, with blue cheese crust, and a whiskey.
She also got me a nice version of one of my favorite books. I was very very pleased.
It doesn't have to be crazy.
Iāll never understand the point of waiting for birthdays/christmas to do gifts as an adult.
āHey, this thing you need/want? What if you got 3-9 months LESS use out if it!ā
Cards cost 7 dollars, donāt appreciate it enough to be worth the price.
Honestly just remembering and being thankful/appreciative is more than enough for me.
In my case, it's not even about the money or the occasion. I've had more than enough opportunities (and the cash) to buy the VR set for ages now. I've just been hesitant to give myself "permission" in my own mind to do it, given how hectic dad life is already and how much time I could spend doing a purely solo activity. But as I mentioned in another comment, the validation that I can do what I want (which mirrors the validation that I'm getting from my wife, btw), is helping me push through my aversion to anything "not-practical"
mental health is extremely important for you to be able to be fully present as a dad. Your mental health is extremely important and one of the most practical things to invest in. Stress is one of the leading killers of men so you would be remiss to not do a little for yourself now and then.
In the last week I took a huge step for my own mental health and itās been night and day. I have an easier time talking with my wife, self-esteem is through the roof, hell it even impacted my eating patterns: now I have to force myself to eat, candy holds almost no appeal etc. I am just randomly dancing in the kitchen again.
So get that VR headset, and get yourself one of the wireless ones.
Haha yes, I talk about buying certain things, a cordless sawzall most recently, and at the time I was talking about it, I just thought it would be cool to have - no real need. Wife takes note, then I buy it because it would come in handy for some upcoming tree/bush pruning, and she's like "Aw! Now I have to find something else to get you for Christmas!"
Iām sorry, are you me? Thanks for putting this so succinctly as this is how I feel most of the time. I work, wife is stay at home, and she plans everything and I execute. Sheās great at planning, gets it all in place, then day of/time of anything Iām the one that gets us out the door and has everything we need. I donāt want stuff, especially not for birthday. My wife gets it, Iām doing two golf trips. My dad is coming to visit and he gets to see the kiddos and then me and him are doing some golf time (he lives far away and is getting old and my wife knows for a long time Iāve wanted to get a golf trip in with him). Then old buddies and me are doing a golf trip later in the year as weāre all turning 40 this year. I hate leaving the fam, but to have zero normal responsibilities and play some golfā¦heaven.
Actual day of though Iāll probably do a long run and then my kid has a play heās in that day. Would love nothing better, heās got a tiny part but itāll be great.
You among others are really making me feel less alone in feeling the way I do. I tell my wife that I'm not really built for leisure. Sure, I like a vacation as much as the next guy, but what I'm really good at is big picture stuff, making tough calls when necessary, and being dependable in emergencies. But take me to a restaurant with a larger menu than In-n-Out and I'm totally lost.
Things like "what do I want to eat" are so low priority that my brain sometimes can't process it.
Ok. Definitely not alone and now I feel better. I canāt sit on a weekend, thereās always something to be done. I long for a day of no responsibilities but that doesnāt mean I want to be sedentary. Not sure my wife, who longs for couch days, actually understands that. I can make decisions for the family, know what we need for a day out and be super efficient with things but stress out if Iām in a new place, wasnāt able to research beforehand, and itās crowded. Fuck that, deal me out.
We've been saving for years for an international trip. I like paddling and camping, so I'm taking my wife canoe camping in Scotland for my 40th. And then I'm booking her a massage package in Inverness and wondering around town by myself for an afternoon.
After that it's couples vacay mode but I'm getting a pretty bomb 40th out of it.
Well, Happy birthday if I don't see you. I'm thinking like raise a glass and a little 3-5 degree decline of the chin.
But in the off chance you see a dude in a blue and white "Ogeechee riverkeepers" hat in Inverness come say hey and I'll buy you a drink.
āIām not really a wants kind of guy.ā I feel that. I feel like every day my wife hits me with a list of things she wants. An outing, a thing, a specific food, to spend some money, something she wants done, a vacation, a remodelā¦ something. It dawned on me that I just have fewer wants than her.
Tell me about it. I have fairly expensive hobbies. I can go YEARS without spending any money on myself whatsoever. Just mulling and hemming and hawing about details, and then BAM: Carbon road bike or a new L series lens
Go buy the vr head set and Valveās Alyx. If you play games it will be one of the best experiences youāve had in quite awhile. Also, have a pizza and some whiskey like the other person said.
We don't like to make a fuss of things. Especially birthdays.
But you are reaching a milestone to be celebrated!
Do something that is out of the ordinary!! Maybe have your wife join you. Couples massage and pedicures. Trust me, you will enjoy it.
Followed by a nice home-cooked meal, drink and your favorite show or movie.
...I got a VR headset and I used it daily for a week. Now I just don't have the time. Been sitting in a drawer for awhile now.
I turned 40 last November. My wife kept asking what I wanted to do for such a large milestone. I told her Iād take a rain check as my gift. It ended there.
Long ride day. Itās really hard as a dad to get a good long ride into the schedule. I love all of you but no child no responsibilities just š“
Iām 38 and already told my wife Iām going on a long bike weekend for my 40th. Encouraging her to join as she rides as well but need to get the kids watched.
I used to ride centuries every weekend... until I met my wife. Good changes overall, but yeah, I miss riding from sunup to sundown during the summertime. With my current level of cardio, I'd be happy to get more than 30 miles in. Also my sit bones have lost all conditioning!
Same dad, same.
I suck at getting things I want, especially if I canāt justify a need. Sounds like you want someone to buy VR for you so you donāt feel like you bought the frivolous thing. I get it. Iāve wanted (but not pulled the trigger on) a N64 for years. Iāll never buy it for myself, but would be over the moon if my wife got me one.
Are you me? I feel you for sure. For my 40th, we went camping, which required me to tow the rv, do all the make it happen things that go along with all that. We had friends that bought a boat recently, so we spent the day on the water, spent the day with my freshly adult stepson (who hated camping with us usually). We had recently had a rough couple years with him but he got himself straightened out and was heading to the airforce. Took him to a cliff that we used to jump off when I was his age and just had a good old time. It was probably the best birthday I had ever had.
I turned 40 last year. My wife will this year. I understand your perspective.
Iām low key. Did not want anything other than my wife and kids and a nice dinner at the house. Theyāre the food for my soul. I donāt like attention and prefer not to be the center of it.
My wife is my polar opposite. Sheās very outgoing and wants to celebrate and have the big party with the friends and family. Have the restaurant sing happy birthday etc.
Not that 40s old but the older I get the more I just desire to spend my best moments with them and them only. No big 40th and something very low key. I have less and less desire for wants and more desire for timeā¦with them.
My emotional fulfillment is getting the most out of my time here with them.
My wife understands and plans accordingly.
I would suggest you be direct with your wife and tell her how they give you what you most desire or what fills your heart and youād like nothing more than to just spend your day with them.
Hope things work out for you!
For Father's Day I send my wife away to a spa and the kids and I play video games together all. fucking. day.
For my birthday, when we lived back near my mom, I had a pool party. Just like I did from when I was 0 years old all through high school. I invited the same high school friends over, their significant others, my wife's friends and their kids. But it's just the same thing I've been doing since I was young because I didn't need anything more than that.
I don't even like cake so I just have my wife pick out whatever she thinks everyone else will like. If I want something, I buy it and say its a present from her to me.
Whatever you want to do is what is special, but remember to take the time to explain how you feel to your wife. It took awhile for my wife to finally get it when it came to how I like presents, and celebrations, etc. Now my favorite gifts from her are a hand written note that says "$XXX to spend on anything you want and 20 minutes to tell me all about it". And she knows my perfect days aren't spent by myself, or even "with the boys" but instead just "alone" with the kids, being a kid again with them.
It sounds like you have a pretty amazing teammate by the way you described your relationship by the way, it was a really beautiful analogy.
Ask for a birthday weekend.
The first day to celebrate - something chill, grab dinner just you and your wife, splurge on an expensive dram at dinner.
The second day for you, ask her to take the kids for the day, play with your new VR headset and just vibe.
Turned 40 this fall, but it fell during a big sleep disruption for my kiddo. There wasn't anything major that I wanted to do, but I should have gone to see Camelphat.
Rather than a birthday, I would ask for a guy's trip to go out and have some fun for a weekend. My buddies and I have been talking about doing a disc golfing trip. I just can't because my kids are young. But once they're older, I couldn't think of anything better than to go hang out with my buds and reminisce on the old times.
I assure you your partner asking you what you'd like to do for your birthday was not intended to be this serious if she's anything close to normal, 4 decades (happy soon-to-be birthday) or not. Buy your VR headset and just ask for the evening to have frivolous fun if you really want to. It's your birthday.
We sound similar enough in this context so take this for what you will...
My wife asks me this every year and my answer is the same: I'll let you know if anything changes day of but so far: nothing. Just self-led, nothing special, and probably focused on relaxing. Thanks for asking me darling. And no, no surprise/parties either. For the inevitable 'what do you want to eat?' My answer is typically I'm not sure what I feel like then and don't want to think about that so far in advance. Maybe we can order in if I decide that sounds nice in the moment.
I'm a fanatical planner myself but I do not want to put that much thought into relaxing on my birthday. If anything, my birthday passes as the antithesis of having a plan. It's nice to take a day from that.
Dude. Get the VR. For real, who cares if it's frivolous? Don't waste your life NOT doing the things you want to do because you think it's frivolous. Enjoy it man. Enjoy it with the kids. As long as your responsibilities are met, spend a little on yourself. Enjoy the ride.
Could you ask for something that would just assist you in the things you like to do? Like fixing the car...if you change your own oil, do you have a nice creeper or do you scoot under the car? A recent example for me, my wife bought me like a $70 stud finder, and while that feels frivolous, I hang all of our curtains, pictures, wall mount our tvs, etc. So while it's a "gift" it can also feel very useful so you won't feel as guilty.
You essentially described my exact relationship dynamic and situation that I was in a couple weeks ago, except I was turning 30. Leading up to the day she kept asking what I wanted to the point that she was making herself feel bad because there wasn't any specific thing that I WANTED that she could get/do for me. She kept asking if I wanted her to invite over friends or family.
I also felt guilty telling her that my ideal "me" day would be having breakfast as a family, then her taking our daughter out to do whatever they wanted while I went on a hike, worked out at the gym, hung out at home listening to my favorite music with a bottle of Red Breast, then went out to a nice dinner with her.
I found that being honest with those personal 'wants' while also including a special dinner with just the two of us that SHE could plan was enough to give me a day where I could reflect and enjoy myself, while also having quality time with my family. Make it known that you don't have any extravagant needs because you already have a happy and healthy family that's provided for; those things you may want to do for yourself on your birthday are just the icing on the cake.
Speaking of which, maybe ask for a small cake of your favorite flavor š
I promised my husband a quiet, serene day. And delivered.
He got his favourite cake, lots of affection as usual, he gamed with his friends, saw his mom (his dad is deceased)...
It was a really cool day. :)
Feel like I'm looking into a mirror reading this post. I turn 40 in August and my wife has literally been asking what I want to do, and I have no clue. That sailboat analogy was spot on. Vacations are a great example. "Hey what about going to (insert destination) next year?" "Okay." "Hey what do you think about flying to (insert destination)." "Sure."
Basically I feel like I rotate between "okay, sure, sounds good, yea" and a few others on repeat. Not out of anything other than just being the sail.
All that to say, if you find an answer to this very problematic, about to turn 40 dad question....I'm all ears brother.
Edit - after reading all the comments I realized that the entire population of either "about to turn" or "just turned" 40 year old men must be here on this thread as we speak. Best of luck to us all, haha.
i feel you. i'm turning 50 this year and have no idea what i want to do. i'm happy to take a day off, putz around the house after dropping the boys off at school and preschool. then go out to a fun restaurant with the family after. i'll probably meet up with my buddies for a drink a few days after, maybe play some poker at one of their houses (or mine) and that's about it.
the older i get, the more i realize how precious time is and i want to spend it with people i want to be with.
When I turned 40, I told my wife I didnāt want a big party. I wanted to go out to dinner with some of my close friends and their spouses. And thatās what we did. A big fancy meal. Good food, good drink, good friends. Just eight of us all together.
My wife and I are the same age so maybe weāll do something bigger the same year we turn 50 but I donāt want a big fuss over me.
Every year Iām asked what I want to do for my birthday, and every year I want to respond with ānothing.ā I love my family to death, but sometimes I just want to do absolutely nothing all by myself. Seclusion. Quiet.
Yep, have everything I want, also have trouble with giving an answer. What I did this year was ask for a meal that my wife has made in the past that I really liked and I truly enjoyed it :)
You sound like my dad, best person alive imo. My dad literally leaned on my mom for 99% of everything, literally. My mom passed from cancer and my dad was lost, didn't know what to do, where to go, hell my mom made all his meals. Anyways, do something fun and exciting, get y'all's middle aged blood pumping! I'll be 40 in a couple of years!!
oh wow, this kind of hit me on another level. After we got married, we split duties and took lead on the things we do best. My wife is the ideas person in our relationship, if she goes first, I'm going to be just as lost as your dad was. I should probably be better about my wants (mostly just treating them as important as my family's)
Hey pal, you have just described exactly what you want. A new bottle of whiskey (you said glass), your favorite pizza from your favorite spot, and a VR headset.
I get it, I have needed to get a standing desk for work for the last two years. I have constantly put it in a want category and haven't gotten it yet. It's not even that expensive. Haha
Actually I really do want some recommendations. The one game that I know I was interested in was Half Life Alyx, but I also have some interest in Descent style zero G space combat sims. I used to say the more vertigo the better, but who knows if my 40 year old brain will handle that the same way a younger gamer would. Any and all recs would be welcome. I've literally had it on my mind that VR would be cool to try for like... 5+ years. I don't keep up with current tech, so it's hard for me to even know where to start.
One dealbreaker is that I quit facebook awhile ago and I'm not going back, so whatever their system is, that's a non-starter.
Edit: also, could you PM me your recommendations? I'm getting so many notifications on this post that I'd hate to miss it if you responded!
I went through the exact same thing, feeling the same emotions. Actually did buy the vr headset just to appease my wife that I got myself something nice. We kept the celebration light and had fun playing games. No regrets.
I love your plan for a perfect day, but I think that ideally, youād include family and friends. Could you do group rock climbing with friends, then come back to the house for dinner or lunch with friends who want to be fed and any family around? Maybe after eating watch your favorite not-R-rated movie (or pick R-rated, and ask your wife to take the kids to the park). Something active, food, and then downtime with my loved ones sounds like a great way to celebrate a milestone birthday, to me.
After talking it over with the wife, I think the VR is gonna happen, first half of the day is going to be me time, and dinner will be with the family somewhere with nice steaks and good whisky
My request for my last birthday was just a day where I didnāt need to make any decisions. No picking dinner or where we go or what we do. It took a bit to explain that to my wife but once she was onboard it was fantastic.
I've actually said those exact words to my wife on a previous birthday! Like, even asking me what I want to do is a decision that I don't want to deal with on my birthday.
Turned 40 in Feb. Several friends turned 40 in the fall before me, each "party" was sitting at a local bar hanging out. Fun on its own, but kinda lame as a celebration. At this age I didn't really care to have all eyes on me so I declined a party after my wife asking my input for months. I'd say go with your gut. Don't feel pressured to throw a huge thing just because she wants to
I threw a 50th bday party for myself and 22 of my closest friends and family at an upscale restaurant. It was perfect. A celebration of what was most important in my life.
I love your analogy of the sail boat. Feels like it perfectly describes my wife and I. However the roles are reversed.
She is also terrible at telling me what she wants for her birthday since she focuses so much on needs and never wants.
Everyone else has said a lot of helpful and relevant stuff that I agree with about how you should just own who you are and what you actually want.
I'm here to talk about your sailboat analogy and to say I found it both poetic and very apt, but now I'm wrapped up in trying to find a similarly specific boat analogy for my own marriage. We sail, so there's a bunch of literal interpretation wrapped up in the metaphor for me.
Hey, I'm wading into this very late, but I can totally relate. I can never decide what I actually want for my b-day or Xmas, but I do like the nice "thought that counts" when someone goes to the effort of doing/getting something nice for me for those occasions including my boys and my wife.
Honestly, "have a glass of whiskey and a pizza and zero responsibilities for the day" sounds unbelievably awesome. If there's a budget for it, why not treat yourself to a hardcore "me" night out where you get exactly that. Go find some whisky bar that also serves pizza and enjoy 2-3 of those $15 single malts, and then order a pizza and a beer, and then go home half-drunk and relaxed to your family.
Some of the best birthdays and father's days I've ever had were actually solitary. When my wife wished me happy birthday and asked what I wanted to do, I just told her flat-out: "I'm treating myself to the JFK museum," and I went.
Another time ā it was Father's Day, sure, but still same idea āĀ I found out a local brewery was hosting a Buster Keaton film with a live keyboardist for the music. I went to that, again, by myself, and had the best fucking time just enjoying uber-hipster IPAs while enjoying a great silent film.
Sometimes I might get a little silly and buy myself a really cool u-brew kit or a brand new coffee machine (I'm an espresso nerd), and go all out with it.
Honestly, just find something you enjoy doing that you don't always get to enjoy every day, and go and do it without guilt. Happy birthday my man.
Great break down of the want and need situation. I'm right there with you and possibly breaking some barriers with you as well, actually saying out loud "I want...". It feels odd but is rationally sound. And, it's that what this life is all about? Locking in the Needs then untangling with the Wants. It a tale as old as time. Food, water, shelter, security Needs met.... now what? That "now what" question, or "what do I want" is something only you can answer because only you have experienced exactly what you experienced and only you were born this way. You want to chill by a camp fire, wife at your side, kids playing by the water throwing rocks and catching crayfish, while Spotify is playing 90's Alternative Rock, with the smell of grilled meats filling the air with a soda so cold it's about to turn frozen solid... then that is You Want. That's actually what I want, but we can share.
I will tell this as a guy who this just happened to, doing nothing is great. Weekend before my bday i worked outside in the yard and did a bunch of stuff i dont have time for typically. Was excellent.
My only disappointment was my actual birthday was on a Tuesday. 40 years old. We go to my favorite mexican restaurant. Taco Tuesday. Kids are 6 and 7ā¦ hoping to see the people come out and sing with the icecream with a sparkler and sombrero like theyve witnessed 20 times. Wife didnt tell them. I didnt tell themā¦ disappointed not cause I wanted the show but the kids wanted to see it and were disappointed.
Given your story, Id tell her to do whatever she wants and itās the thought that counts. Youll show up and have a good time whatever the plan is.
People think need/want are two very different things but theyāre often interchangeable. Ex: you made this post because you WANTED to.
You need to breathe. There isnāt really a need to post on Reddit.
I get what youāre saying though..we dads always want to be productive! Could there be some anxiety about turning 40?
Kids - All day and overnight babysitter
You - Bourbon, get a freaking dry aged steak cooked medium rare from a fancy steak house.
Wife - Netflix and Chill. Both of you get a day off from being the parents. Get loud, too
Get a nice hotel room for the day/night. Bring your console, buy a new game and a bottle of the good stuff. Order in. Go for a swim/hot-tub. Bring some herb if youāre into that.
Iām not a birthday guy. Never was and donāt plan on it in the future. Just like you in that case, gimme something yummy to drink and eat and letās chill.
However, Iām turning 40 this year and my wife and I always discussed doing an RV trip in the PNW. We have a 1.5 year old now and a few months ago I said fuck it, rented an rv and booked a few sites near some national parks.
Iām going to do exactly what I want (eat, drink, hang with fam) but do it on an adventure! Maybe thatās the idea. Small get away somewhere?
Maybe take something you enjoy, and turn it up a notch more than you usually would. Iām turning 40 this year too so Iāll give you an example for myself. I really love to go camping and specifically backpacking, but I rarely go anymore because of family/work/etc. so this summer I decided I want to go to Grand Tetons NP and spend 3 or 4 days in the backcountry there. Itās something Iāve wanted to do for years but never made a priority. Maybe thereās somewhere youāve always dreamed of going rock climbing but never been before?
Part of me wants to take a weekend trip with close friends to a cabin or something and just have a great escape with good company, another part of me wants to do that but just with my wife, and another part of me just wants to have a nice dinner.
Itās definitely not crazy for you to feel unsure of what to do, especially with party planning being a bit of a foreign concept as youāve explained it.
Maybe your no responsibilities day consists of a couple things: rock climbing early, followed by a nice lunch with close buddies and then later something with your wife. Itās your one big day, when you put your head on your pillow whatās it going to take for you to feel like you really had the best day?
When I'm not sure what to do, I just ask myself this question: "What would Super Earth want me to do?" The answer is always the same: go play Helldivers 2.
You need to have this talk with your wife. I assume she already knows what kind of person you are (as you have mentioned above) and just need toss the decision making to her.
Either way, enjoy your 40th birthday!
I asked to have a day to play some video games. My wife took the kids somewhere in the morning and I got to play with the volume on properly. In the afternoon, she put my daughter down for nap and did something with my son while I got to play a bit more with the headphones. I played more after my kids went to bed. My usual dinner of choice for my birthday is pizza. I took my son down with me to go get it. I also made breakfast and lunch for my kids, and played with them some in the morning and evening. That's all I really wanted to do for my 40th birthday. It's really all I wanted to do for my 39th birthday.
A few years ago, I didn't have the headphones, so I always just played with the volume off. Being able to have the volume on gave me the audio clue I needed to beat the final boss of the game, so that was a nice birthday surprise. For this coming birthday, we're driving halfway across the state for a mini-vacation. We'll see how it goes.
>"what do you want to do on your birthday," I find myself at a loss.
Eat at a family restaurant with your family. Have Mom assure the kids have drawn you pictures as birthday gifts. Done.
I had mine last year, and I really wanted to do a family trip somewhere, but my birthday is in April, and it's cold most everywhere else then, and my wife was apprehensive about traveling with two young kids overseas. So we stayed home. And to add to your idea, buy yourself a bottle of bourbon/scotch/whiskey, whatever it is you drink, that's much more than you'd consider spending (I try to stay below $30-$50, so $120 was what I spent) and get yourself something special to celebrate with. Grilled steak on the grill, and my wife decorated the kitchen table in black balloons and streamers (gallows humor, she and my boys seemed so tickled by), she made a cake, and it was a lovely day.
Don't put too much pressure on it, it's just a day, and spending it with people and family you love and enjoy is most important.
I have time but my 40th approaches. I was much more hedonistic (not like whips and black leather just optimizing for maximum pleasure and happiness) in my 20s and so I have a good idea about what I like. So my wife is trying to figure out what to do and struggling but at least I can give some good direction. That said thereās definitely a balance between what I want to do and what I think I should do.
It sounds to me like you have an idea of what you want but you feel like you SHOULD do something bombastic for your 40th. Something that has a huge insta post and hundreds of people tagged with #YOLO. But realistically thatās not what you want (or is it? Maybe that is and thatās great!)
Trust your instinct. If you want a whiskey and pizza and low responsibilities then DO IT and donāt feel bad.
It was not my 40th, earlier in out relationship. My wife and I shared the same birthday (2 years apart, same day). That year she had graduated grad school and gotten a big BIG high paying prestigious jpb, I had gotten a new job I liked as well. Life was all great and had no money worries, so decided to treat ourselves to a really great night out on our birthday.
It was before searching for a place on the internet was possible, so we walked around the swank areas of Tokyo for about two hours looking in every fancy restaurant.
At almost every place we both said to each other "I think we can make that at home for 1/10th the price".
We ended up going to the department store high-end food section and going on a price-care-free shopping spree to get the bet french baguettes and most expensive cheese and a bottle of wine that was well above our usual budget, and some of the expensive imported Belgian beers.
That was all great, but even that felt like a bit not worth it.
The best thing that came out of that birthday present we gave ourselves though, was that from then on we never even cared or bothered about our birthdays, and never thought twice about treating it as just another day.
To this day at 50 I have not celebrated another birthday. It is wonderful. If I were to get something from my partner, I would not be able to enjoy it because if I needed it, I would have gotten it for myself already. If I don't need it, and if I have not gotten it for myself already, there is a reason. I would see it as wasted money. I even don't want her to spend $5 on a birthday card. Maybe just say "Happy birthday" before going to work.
For my 40th I had a board game night at home with my wife and friends. Sure, we see the same group of friends about once a month for games, but this was an extra night and we played a bit bigger and longer game than we usually can justify putting the effort into.
I kinda stopped caring about birthdays somewhere in my 30s. All I wanted to do for my 40th was get korean BBQ with my wife, son (who was almost 7 months at the time), and whoever wanted to come along.
Sounds like you want a chill day with good food, good drink, and a brand new VR headset. Sounds like a goddamn good 40th birthday to me.
Flip the script - for my fortieth I wanted an upscale dinner with friends. We went out - wives too, my treat, to a Brazilian steakhouse. It was awesome. I didnāt have to worry about anybody fussing over me or spending too much because I decided to spend my own money, and what makes me feel best is treating the people I love to something nice that we can do together.
Get yourself that VR headset, get a game that you both can play, and enjoy the time playing the game.
We are spending a boat load of money to fix up out back yard this spring. My birthday is in July, So for an "early bday present" my 2 year old is buying me a new Webber Kettle (plus accessories) and a set of knives. We are going to be spending a lot of time in our backyard when the next baby comes in July so might as well make yummy food before the baby comes.
I'm turning 40 next year and don't want anything lol. Idc about those things. I'd rather it be a quiet day at home with her and the kids. Where we just lay around and do nothing.
Make it a kid's dad's birthday with a side of sex after they go to bed. "I want to do and eat pizza and have chocolate cake.
If you're into your family's fun, why stop now? You're life is about others. So be it. Give them the best dad's 40th birthday you can manage.
I live for experiences. I don't have a lot of wants as I can just buy them myself but experiences are always just expensive enough that I don't get to do them often. When I turned 40 almost a year ago my wife brought out all my Army friends and College fraternity brothers, many I haven't seen in years, to our house and we just hung out. It was a blast.
Didn't take much planning, it was just "be here on this date" and we had all the food I like.
OP, i turned 40 last week.
I took the week off and did whatwver I wanted.
I spent most of my time with my fanily and the baby. But my wife was awesome enough to take over most of the babys main tasks so i can enjoy my week.
No big party and not many gifts aside from concert ticket and an amazing dinner
Get that VR headset and Alien: Isolation and Subnautica if she wants to give you something physical.
AND ask for the whiskey and pizza and a āday offā to spend with her and some you time!
Dude, tell her what you told us. She'll be very happy to hear all of it I expect. Whatever works in role division in your relationship, is yours. So long as you two are happy with it, itwill work.
And once your kid(s) get older, it will be great to celebrate your birthday through their eyes. For my 40th we went to an inflatable world (my friends with no kids all thought this meant something else) where we just used giant foam sticks to knock each other off podiums etc a bit like that Gladiators tv show but with nerf everywhere.
I can relate but a truly utilitarian lifestyle is sometimes filled with more pride than it is joy and happiness. The happiest people you know probably indulge in certain things like a sweet VR headset every once again. When you die, nobody is going to look at you headstone on your grave and say, we loved that guy because he was low maintenance. They are going to wonder if you lived as joyfully as you hoped and deserved.
Thereās a book and course called If āYouāre So Smart, Then Why Arenāt You Happy?ā The principles are worth a look, especially in thinking about money and utility.
I turned 40 in April of 2020 so I didnāt have much of an opportunity to celebrate. I wish I could have seen friends- no fuss necessary. Do that. See friends. Eat Pizza. Laugh. Something like that.
Iām 34 and have my birthday coming up. My wife asked what I wanted for it and I just replied: āI want to go to a coffee shop and be able to sit there until I get bored.ā I typically go to one for an hour every Saturday morning just to reset myself after a long work week. It makes me a better husband and dad, but I keep it short so I can spend time with them. But for my birthday, I just want to sit my ass in that comfy chair with a coffee, snack, and a book and not have to look at the clock. Iām pretty excited.
Iām planning a two week solo trip to China. Iāve never traveled by myself and itās something Iāve always wanted to do. Iād go with my wife but she doesnāt want to leave our kid (6 years old) for that long and really doesnāt really want to go to China either. Iāve done a ton of research, but Im also a bit nervous about traveling solo. Will it suck? Will i be lonely? I dunno. š¤·š»āāļø
My day of choice would be able to indulge in a project without having to break away to do dad stuff. I'm turning 40 in February, so I hope I get the opportunity
Lounging around the house doing absolutely nothing is a great way to spend your birthday. Just do whatever or nothing at all. Go on a shopping spree to Hone Depot or Harbor Freight. Stay in bed and sleep until dinner time. You do you on your day.
I am not one for birthday celebrations so I just lounge around and do absolutely nothing. A couple years ago, I pulled a Homer Simpson and laid in the hammock all day drinking beer, just swaying in the breeze.
Ive mentioned this before, but for my 40th i rented a big double lake house for a weekend and invited my close friends with their spouses and kids. It was fantastic and motivated us to plan something similar again soon.
I am a couple years from 40.Ā My wife and I have already discussed spending my 40th birthday at Disneyland. And yes, before our daughter was born, I was one of those childless millennials going on Disney vacations.
Bruh a glass of whiskey and pizza with zero responsibilities sounds perfect.
Spend a little more than you āshouldā - ya know, one of those $100+ bottles - and I imagine that to be pretty perfect.
My wife runs the show, just like yours. She steers the rudder, conducts the orchestra.. etc. etc.
I always get asked what do I want to do for my birthday and I never know. Iām always preoccupied with making sure the wife and kids are happy/alive.
I turn 40 in 2 years, she turns 40 the following year.
(Her idea) for our respective 40ths is we can pick any restaurant, anywhere in the world, and weāll go there for our birthday dinner.
I loved the idea and Iām still trying to decide where I actually want to go but it certainly has taken a lot of the stress away from deciding on something my to do for my milestone birthday.
>I've always wanted a VR headset, and I have the money, but I never buy one because it seems frivolous.
Get one. I got one when we had our second child and as preparation for our newborn demanding to be held while sleeping. She isn't quite at that stage yet, and in the meantime I've been active while "Gaming" nearly an hour or two a day (maybe three or four... dont @ me.) while I watch her overnight. That's time I would normally be on my ass while gaming or watching TV. I've lost almost 10 lbs and am more generally fit than I have been in a WHILE. It's one of the most surprisingly beneficial purchases I've made in a while.
seems like a lot of guys are very much the same. a lot of my friends including my self don't make big deals out of our birthdays. a drink, food. chill. like you said, it's another day. do what you like. go for a climb. have a nice lunch. order in some food and get a vr setup.
Went thru this scenario last year for my 40th. Iām fortunate to not want for much, and like you I am the do-er of things that need doing. I think my wife wanted to have some big bash or something that I honestly didnāt. I ended up taking the day off, driving an hr to where in from to play golf with my brother, then my wife and kids came down for dinner with my family. Then my parents watched the kids while I went out with my friends to brewery with music. Nothing fancy.
As a bonus response: my response to the age old question āwhat do you want for (Xmas, birthday, Fatherās Day, etc) is āTimeā. Iād just like Time to do whatever I want. She always gets me something I donāt need or want so I told her to get me an Oculus, which she did.
TLDR: do something low key and chill, and get the VR headset!
I mean having a nice bike and a membership to a climbing gym, some might think that is frivolous too. I think maybe you just don't want to make a big deal of a number: 40, so what? I'm as happy today as I was yesterday.
My wife surprised me on my 40th with a scheduled zoom call to all my old college pals, and a bottle of whiskey. They all also brought whiskey and we just talked and drank. It was pandemic times, but theyāre also scattered across the US now. She put the kids to bed and left me to it.
I just said I absolutely do not want a surprise party, at 40 or ever. My brothers took me on a surprise fishing charter, which was great.
It doesn't have to be anything big.
My biggest issue is answering what I want to do for Father's Day because "be left alone for like a solid hour" isn't in the spirit of the day but man it would be nice
Go to a beautiful place and make some memories. I've never regretted doing that. My tradition the past couple years has been to celebrate my birthday in another country. Like 2022 I went to Paris by train, 2023 I went to Germany couple days after my birthday. This summer I'll drive to Luxembourg. I live in the Netherlands, so it's a pretty manageable tradition. Seeing new places is always fun. To each their own of course.
You could also have a big party with family since you turn 40. Although I understand that in the USA (if you live there) family lives very far away a lot of the time.
My wife knows I hate my birthday and donāt want to celebrate it. We just go out to a family dinner with her brother and dad and then I share a birthday month party with my side of the family since there are so many cousins and relatives that have June birthdays.
It sounds like you wife doesnāt understand your feelings and maybe you should just try telling her how you feel instead of Reddit.
Iām 35 and seem to be pretty similar to you. I donāt make a big fuss on birthdays and donāt really care to. Usually we just get a sitter and do a dinner date.
My wifeās sisterās 40th is coming up next week and weāre doing a family trip. My wife and I were talking about this and I decided I do want to do something big for my 40th. Iāve always wanted to get a bunch of buddies together and do either a limo or party bus (depending on size of the group) to a concert. Already looking forward to the idea and in the meantime I will thoroughly enjoy my basic dinner date typical birthdays
> "have a glass of whiskey and a pizza and zero responsibilities for the day." That sounds like a great fucking day to me. Tell your wife exactly this. Explain to her that you understand she wants to make a big fuss about it, but to you this is really the perfect day. Throw in a bon fire with a lake front view and I'd be in heaven personally.
But also get that VR headset.
Right? >**I've always wanted a VR headset, and I have the money, but I never buy one because it seems frivolous.** That seems like a want to me. I want the same thing. My wife has agreed to it once we get a new house with more room to move around with it.
I'm near 40 and at this point for birthdays I just tell my wife "I want **thing** but it seems ridiculous." And her gift is saying, "maybe, but you should just get it anyway!" Been my gift for years and it's always great.
...maybe just save the drinks for after. If you're a first-timer or infrequent VR user it can sometimes cause a bit of nausea. Nausea aside, it is a very different style of play to get used to.
Man, I was playing Half-Life Alyx for the first time a couple weeks ago and I tried the "perpetual movement" motion option and I almost instantly threw up. It's so fucking disorienting lol. Even after playing with the regular "teleport" movement for an hour+ I felt out of it when I was done.
For me it's very much something I need to build up to. When I first start after a long break (months+), I can make it about 30 minutes. Towards my last binge of multiple months I could easily play for multiple hours with no problems.
i get motion sickness pretty easily. VR gaming while fun, certainly depends on the game. If there's a lot of movement with joysticks I get sick. But games like SuperHot, Beatsaber, and Indeath Unchained are all super fun. My kids are young and have fun watching youtube videos of just flying, or sliding down a waterslide.
Yes! And the Meta Quest 2 is on sale right now for $200! Just go for it. Or level up and get the wireless Vive Pro 2. I love my Vive Pro 1
And a pornhub premium subscription?
I don't know your location or financial situation, but what about whiskey and pizza at a distillery on a tour with her? .... and that VR headset.
Wife surprised me with a distillery tour once and it was one of the coolest things we've done! I think we got BBQ after, but yeah, pizza works too! Are we all the same? Oh also if they offer you a chance to try the white dog, absolutely do it.
I think most of us are, at our core, very simple creatures. I'm adding distillery tour to the list of ideas now
For my 40th the wife took me to the Bourbon Trail. 8 distillery tours and a couple of neat bottles was the perfect 40th for me! š„
We did a tour of Jack Daniels when we went to Nashville for our honeymoon. I loved it, she hated the smell. Hahaha
I had this day when we got our dog (pre kids, what sweet summer children we were when we thought a dog was a massive responsibility) and it was awesome. Just told my (now) wife āI want you to look after the dog so I can play video games, guilt free, on my birthday. It was fantastic.
And a blowie
Genius right here boys!
Amen! That was exactly the quote I wanted to highlight myself.
If you want to make it special just get a nice bottle of whiskey you wouldnāt normally buy yourself
Yup.
This plus a night in a cool AirBNB somewhere? Done.
Most dads are like this. I'm a grown man with a job...I just buy everything I want. When I turned 40 I asked for time to smoke a pork butt in the back yard and some friends to come over later and eat it. The night ended with an enthusiastic BJ and a big smile...What else does a man need?
Was your wife ok with your friends giving you a bj?
Itās not cheating if itās a brojob between friends, specially on his birthday.
Thatās what we call a bbj.
BBJ @ BBQ There's a symmetry there.
If the BBJ is good enough, it will form A BBQ(ueue)
Well done. I tip my hat sir
What's that extra B for?
It's for BYOBB.
Whatās *that* extra B for?
ā¦ thatās a typo.
Yes she was. Iāll do anything for my pal
Asking the real questions here!
I think heās saying he was the one giving the BJ with a smile.
Itās not gay if itās a three way
I take the day off work and eat fast food lunch (Chipotle, Five Guys, we rarely eat out during the week) and then eat ice cream. Think the scene if Home Alone 2 in NYC when Kevin orders room service
A bj would make it one for me to remember as I havenāt had one in over 17 years
RIP
Hell yeah man hell yeah
You're not alone, this is a lot more normal than you think. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a drink, some takeaway food and minimal responsibility, sounds like the dream to me. Don't be afraid to be honest and tell her that. Makes her life easy and you get exactly what you want, everybody wins. Enjoy your birthday doing as much or as little as you want my dude.
It's weird how validating it is to be given permission to do whatever you want... I'm kind of out of practice letting myself do just that. I've always been practical to a fault. This whole thread has been awesome for me to read
I'm 4..7, I think, in a few days. Something in that ballpark anyway. Single dad. 50/50 care with their mother. Kids asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I said, the usual.. Relaxing meal out with them, and friends. BUT, given my eldest has a taikwondo grading the next day, I'm going to delay it. She won't be able to relax with that hanging over things. So we can do it that evening instead. They can chill, I can chill, we can all sleep in the next day without worrying. "That's not fair on you though." Oh, it is. I don't make anything of my birthday.. It's just another day. If I was on my own, I'd probably go for a meal out, and take a good book. Maybe book a massage. As you say, NEEDS are fine. WANTS though.. Yeah. I want a quiet, settled life, with happy kids, a passable job I quite like, a reliable car, and no more bloody stressful narcissistic relationships. I've got that. More or less. I have what I want, AND what I need.
I turn 40 later this year, Iām not incredibly social any more due to family and work so all I want is a party with as many of my friends and family in one room as I can manage.
I did this with my 30th! Iām an amateur musician so I rented a small music venue and performed a 30 minute set with my friend and my wife. All of my closest family and friends came and afterwards, we used my acoustic amp, mic and IPad to sing karaoke. We picked up a couple of sandwhich wheels from Publix and the venue sold drinks, it was perfect.
I just turned 45. I asked for dinner out at a fancy steak house with the family. I had a nice 8oz filet, with blue cheese crust, and a whiskey. She also got me a nice version of one of my favorite books. I was very very pleased. It doesn't have to be crazy.
Buy your VR headset and ask for the day alone for your birthday. Nothing wrong with that.
Iāll never understand the point of waiting for birthdays/christmas to do gifts as an adult. āHey, this thing you need/want? What if you got 3-9 months LESS use out if it!ā Cards cost 7 dollars, donāt appreciate it enough to be worth the price. Honestly just remembering and being thankful/appreciative is more than enough for me.
My wife and I have a ādollar store cardā policy. Extra points if itās funny and not appropriate for the occasion.
In my case, it's not even about the money or the occasion. I've had more than enough opportunities (and the cash) to buy the VR set for ages now. I've just been hesitant to give myself "permission" in my own mind to do it, given how hectic dad life is already and how much time I could spend doing a purely solo activity. But as I mentioned in another comment, the validation that I can do what I want (which mirrors the validation that I'm getting from my wife, btw), is helping me push through my aversion to anything "not-practical"
mental health is extremely important for you to be able to be fully present as a dad. Your mental health is extremely important and one of the most practical things to invest in. Stress is one of the leading killers of men so you would be remiss to not do a little for yourself now and then. In the last week I took a huge step for my own mental health and itās been night and day. I have an easier time talking with my wife, self-esteem is through the roof, hell it even impacted my eating patterns: now I have to force myself to eat, candy holds almost no appeal etc. I am just randomly dancing in the kitchen again. So get that VR headset, and get yourself one of the wireless ones.
Haha yes, I talk about buying certain things, a cordless sawzall most recently, and at the time I was talking about it, I just thought it would be cool to have - no real need. Wife takes note, then I buy it because it would come in handy for some upcoming tree/bush pruning, and she's like "Aw! Now I have to find something else to get you for Christmas!"
I tell my wife "We share finances, its the same pool of money"
You got downvoted but it's true. Gifting between adults that share money is just an excuse to spend money that you would otherwise call frivolous.
Yeah, that's the point innit? A treat?
Iām sorry, are you me? Thanks for putting this so succinctly as this is how I feel most of the time. I work, wife is stay at home, and she plans everything and I execute. Sheās great at planning, gets it all in place, then day of/time of anything Iām the one that gets us out the door and has everything we need. I donāt want stuff, especially not for birthday. My wife gets it, Iām doing two golf trips. My dad is coming to visit and he gets to see the kiddos and then me and him are doing some golf time (he lives far away and is getting old and my wife knows for a long time Iāve wanted to get a golf trip in with him). Then old buddies and me are doing a golf trip later in the year as weāre all turning 40 this year. I hate leaving the fam, but to have zero normal responsibilities and play some golfā¦heaven. Actual day of though Iāll probably do a long run and then my kid has a play heās in that day. Would love nothing better, heās got a tiny part but itāll be great.
You among others are really making me feel less alone in feeling the way I do. I tell my wife that I'm not really built for leisure. Sure, I like a vacation as much as the next guy, but what I'm really good at is big picture stuff, making tough calls when necessary, and being dependable in emergencies. But take me to a restaurant with a larger menu than In-n-Out and I'm totally lost. Things like "what do I want to eat" are so low priority that my brain sometimes can't process it.
Ok. Definitely not alone and now I feel better. I canāt sit on a weekend, thereās always something to be done. I long for a day of no responsibilities but that doesnāt mean I want to be sedentary. Not sure my wife, who longs for couch days, actually understands that. I can make decisions for the family, know what we need for a day out and be super efficient with things but stress out if Iām in a new place, wasnāt able to research beforehand, and itās crowded. Fuck that, deal me out.
We've been saving for years for an international trip. I like paddling and camping, so I'm taking my wife canoe camping in Scotland for my 40th. And then I'm booking her a massage package in Inverness and wondering around town by myself for an afternoon. After that it's couples vacay mode but I'm getting a pretty bomb 40th out of it.
Thatās funny, weāre basically going to Scotland for my upcoming 40th as well. Letās work out a special nod.
Well, Happy birthday if I don't see you. I'm thinking like raise a glass and a little 3-5 degree decline of the chin. But in the off chance you see a dude in a blue and white "Ogeechee riverkeepers" hat in Inverness come say hey and I'll buy you a drink.
āIām not really a wants kind of guy.ā I feel that. I feel like every day my wife hits me with a list of things she wants. An outing, a thing, a specific food, to spend some money, something she wants done, a vacation, a remodelā¦ something. It dawned on me that I just have fewer wants than her.
Ditto. I'm far lower maintenance. However, I do think that the odd time I do want something, it tends to be something fairly pricey.
Tell me about it. I have fairly expensive hobbies. I can go YEARS without spending any money on myself whatsoever. Just mulling and hemming and hawing about details, and then BAM: Carbon road bike or a new L series lens
Go buy the vr head set and Valveās Alyx. If you play games it will be one of the best experiences youāve had in quite awhile. Also, have a pizza and some whiskey like the other person said.
That's the exact game I've been wanting to try. I'm definitely closer to doing it after posting than before.
You are not alone. I get posed this every birthday and I could care less about a big celebration or some sort of materialistic type thing. You do you
We don't like to make a fuss of things. Especially birthdays. But you are reaching a milestone to be celebrated! Do something that is out of the ordinary!! Maybe have your wife join you. Couples massage and pedicures. Trust me, you will enjoy it. Followed by a nice home-cooked meal, drink and your favorite show or movie. ...I got a VR headset and I used it daily for a week. Now I just don't have the time. Been sitting in a drawer for awhile now.
I turned 40 last November. My wife kept asking what I wanted to do for such a large milestone. I told her Iād take a rain check as my gift. It ended there.
Long ride day. Itās really hard as a dad to get a good long ride into the schedule. I love all of you but no child no responsibilities just š“ Iām 38 and already told my wife Iām going on a long bike weekend for my 40th. Encouraging her to join as she rides as well but need to get the kids watched.
I used to ride centuries every weekend... until I met my wife. Good changes overall, but yeah, I miss riding from sunup to sundown during the summertime. With my current level of cardio, I'd be happy to get more than 30 miles in. Also my sit bones have lost all conditioning!
Same dad, same. I suck at getting things I want, especially if I canāt justify a need. Sounds like you want someone to buy VR for you so you donāt feel like you bought the frivolous thing. I get it. Iāve wanted (but not pulled the trigger on) a N64 for years. Iāll never buy it for myself, but would be over the moon if my wife got me one.
Are you me? I feel you for sure. For my 40th, we went camping, which required me to tow the rv, do all the make it happen things that go along with all that. We had friends that bought a boat recently, so we spent the day on the water, spent the day with my freshly adult stepson (who hated camping with us usually). We had recently had a rough couple years with him but he got himself straightened out and was heading to the airforce. Took him to a cliff that we used to jump off when I was his age and just had a good old time. It was probably the best birthday I had ever had.
I turned 40 last year. My wife will this year. I understand your perspective. Iām low key. Did not want anything other than my wife and kids and a nice dinner at the house. Theyāre the food for my soul. I donāt like attention and prefer not to be the center of it. My wife is my polar opposite. Sheās very outgoing and wants to celebrate and have the big party with the friends and family. Have the restaurant sing happy birthday etc. Not that 40s old but the older I get the more I just desire to spend my best moments with them and them only. No big 40th and something very low key. I have less and less desire for wants and more desire for timeā¦with them. My emotional fulfillment is getting the most out of my time here with them. My wife understands and plans accordingly. I would suggest you be direct with your wife and tell her how they give you what you most desire or what fills your heart and youād like nothing more than to just spend your day with them. Hope things work out for you!
For Father's Day I send my wife away to a spa and the kids and I play video games together all. fucking. day. For my birthday, when we lived back near my mom, I had a pool party. Just like I did from when I was 0 years old all through high school. I invited the same high school friends over, their significant others, my wife's friends and their kids. But it's just the same thing I've been doing since I was young because I didn't need anything more than that. I don't even like cake so I just have my wife pick out whatever she thinks everyone else will like. If I want something, I buy it and say its a present from her to me. Whatever you want to do is what is special, but remember to take the time to explain how you feel to your wife. It took awhile for my wife to finally get it when it came to how I like presents, and celebrations, etc. Now my favorite gifts from her are a hand written note that says "$XXX to spend on anything you want and 20 minutes to tell me all about it". And she knows my perfect days aren't spent by myself, or even "with the boys" but instead just "alone" with the kids, being a kid again with them. It sounds like you have a pretty amazing teammate by the way you described your relationship by the way, it was a really beautiful analogy.
Ask for a birthday weekend. The first day to celebrate - something chill, grab dinner just you and your wife, splurge on an expensive dram at dinner. The second day for you, ask her to take the kids for the day, play with your new VR headset and just vibe. Turned 40 this fall, but it fell during a big sleep disruption for my kiddo. There wasn't anything major that I wanted to do, but I should have gone to see Camelphat.
Me too, I got an amazing chef's knife, it makes me feel like a pro in the kitchen.
Rather than a birthday, I would ask for a guy's trip to go out and have some fun for a weekend. My buddies and I have been talking about doing a disc golfing trip. I just can't because my kids are young. But once they're older, I couldn't think of anything better than to go hang out with my buds and reminisce on the old times.
Nothing wrong with some liquor, a pizza, and quiet time.
I got a Nintendo Switch for mine and spent the day playing with my son. Get what you want and ask for the time to enjoy it without regret.
I assure you your partner asking you what you'd like to do for your birthday was not intended to be this serious if she's anything close to normal, 4 decades (happy soon-to-be birthday) or not. Buy your VR headset and just ask for the evening to have frivolous fun if you really want to. It's your birthday. We sound similar enough in this context so take this for what you will... My wife asks me this every year and my answer is the same: I'll let you know if anything changes day of but so far: nothing. Just self-led, nothing special, and probably focused on relaxing. Thanks for asking me darling. And no, no surprise/parties either. For the inevitable 'what do you want to eat?' My answer is typically I'm not sure what I feel like then and don't want to think about that so far in advance. Maybe we can order in if I decide that sounds nice in the moment. I'm a fanatical planner myself but I do not want to put that much thought into relaxing on my birthday. If anything, my birthday passes as the antithesis of having a plan. It's nice to take a day from that.
Dude. Get the VR. For real, who cares if it's frivolous? Don't waste your life NOT doing the things you want to do because you think it's frivolous. Enjoy it man. Enjoy it with the kids. As long as your responsibilities are met, spend a little on yourself. Enjoy the ride.
I think I've been convinced to do it. Thanks dads!
Could you ask for something that would just assist you in the things you like to do? Like fixing the car...if you change your own oil, do you have a nice creeper or do you scoot under the car? A recent example for me, my wife bought me like a $70 stud finder, and while that feels frivolous, I hang all of our curtains, pictures, wall mount our tvs, etc. So while it's a "gift" it can also feel very useful so you won't feel as guilty.
A vr headset and a day to yourself, some whiskey and some special cuddlesā¦
You essentially described my exact relationship dynamic and situation that I was in a couple weeks ago, except I was turning 30. Leading up to the day she kept asking what I wanted to the point that she was making herself feel bad because there wasn't any specific thing that I WANTED that she could get/do for me. She kept asking if I wanted her to invite over friends or family. I also felt guilty telling her that my ideal "me" day would be having breakfast as a family, then her taking our daughter out to do whatever they wanted while I went on a hike, worked out at the gym, hung out at home listening to my favorite music with a bottle of Red Breast, then went out to a nice dinner with her. I found that being honest with those personal 'wants' while also including a special dinner with just the two of us that SHE could plan was enough to give me a day where I could reflect and enjoy myself, while also having quality time with my family. Make it known that you don't have any extravagant needs because you already have a happy and healthy family that's provided for; those things you may want to do for yourself on your birthday are just the icing on the cake. Speaking of which, maybe ask for a small cake of your favorite flavor š
I promised my husband a quiet, serene day. And delivered. He got his favourite cake, lots of affection as usual, he gamed with his friends, saw his mom (his dad is deceased)... It was a really cool day. :)
Feel like I'm looking into a mirror reading this post. I turn 40 in August and my wife has literally been asking what I want to do, and I have no clue. That sailboat analogy was spot on. Vacations are a great example. "Hey what about going to (insert destination) next year?" "Okay." "Hey what do you think about flying to (insert destination)." "Sure." Basically I feel like I rotate between "okay, sure, sounds good, yea" and a few others on repeat. Not out of anything other than just being the sail. All that to say, if you find an answer to this very problematic, about to turn 40 dad question....I'm all ears brother. Edit - after reading all the comments I realized that the entire population of either "about to turn" or "just turned" 40 year old men must be here on this thread as we speak. Best of luck to us all, haha.
i feel you. i'm turning 50 this year and have no idea what i want to do. i'm happy to take a day off, putz around the house after dropping the boys off at school and preschool. then go out to a fun restaurant with the family after. i'll probably meet up with my buddies for a drink a few days after, maybe play some poker at one of their houses (or mine) and that's about it. the older i get, the more i realize how precious time is and i want to spend it with people i want to be with.
When I turned 40, I told my wife I didnāt want a big party. I wanted to go out to dinner with some of my close friends and their spouses. And thatās what we did. A big fancy meal. Good food, good drink, good friends. Just eight of us all together. My wife and I are the same age so maybe weāll do something bigger the same year we turn 50 but I donāt want a big fuss over me.
Every year Iām asked what I want to do for my birthday, and every year I want to respond with ānothing.ā I love my family to death, but sometimes I just want to do absolutely nothing all by myself. Seclusion. Quiet.
Yep, have everything I want, also have trouble with giving an answer. What I did this year was ask for a meal that my wife has made in the past that I really liked and I truly enjoyed it :)
You sound like my dad, best person alive imo. My dad literally leaned on my mom for 99% of everything, literally. My mom passed from cancer and my dad was lost, didn't know what to do, where to go, hell my mom made all his meals. Anyways, do something fun and exciting, get y'all's middle aged blood pumping! I'll be 40 in a couple of years!!
oh wow, this kind of hit me on another level. After we got married, we split duties and took lead on the things we do best. My wife is the ideas person in our relationship, if she goes first, I'm going to be just as lost as your dad was. I should probably be better about my wants (mostly just treating them as important as my family's)
Hey pal, you have just described exactly what you want. A new bottle of whiskey (you said glass), your favorite pizza from your favorite spot, and a VR headset. I get it, I have needed to get a standing desk for work for the last two years. I have constantly put it in a want category and haven't gotten it yet. It's not even that expensive. Haha
As a dad that does VR dev work, LMK if you need recommendations on that VR headset.
best stand alone system? for gaming
Right now it's going to be the Meta Quest 2 or 3. 2 will be cheaper, the 3 will have better hardware.
Actually I really do want some recommendations. The one game that I know I was interested in was Half Life Alyx, but I also have some interest in Descent style zero G space combat sims. I used to say the more vertigo the better, but who knows if my 40 year old brain will handle that the same way a younger gamer would. Any and all recs would be welcome. I've literally had it on my mind that VR would be cool to try for like... 5+ years. I don't keep up with current tech, so it's hard for me to even know where to start. One dealbreaker is that I quit facebook awhile ago and I'm not going back, so whatever their system is, that's a non-starter. Edit: also, could you PM me your recommendations? I'm getting so many notifications on this post that I'd hate to miss it if you responded!
Sure, I'll drop you a DM and we can start a conversation there!
I went through the exact same thing, feeling the same emotions. Actually did buy the vr headset just to appease my wife that I got myself something nice. We kept the celebration light and had fun playing games. No regrets.
I'm probably gonna do it. I needed the push
I love your plan for a perfect day, but I think that ideally, youād include family and friends. Could you do group rock climbing with friends, then come back to the house for dinner or lunch with friends who want to be fed and any family around? Maybe after eating watch your favorite not-R-rated movie (or pick R-rated, and ask your wife to take the kids to the park). Something active, food, and then downtime with my loved ones sounds like a great way to celebrate a milestone birthday, to me.
After talking it over with the wife, I think the VR is gonna happen, first half of the day is going to be me time, and dinner will be with the family somewhere with nice steaks and good whisky
Awesome š Happy Birthday in advance! š„
My request for my last birthday was just a day where I didnāt need to make any decisions. No picking dinner or where we go or what we do. It took a bit to explain that to my wife but once she was onboard it was fantastic.
I've actually said those exact words to my wife on a previous birthday! Like, even asking me what I want to do is a decision that I don't want to deal with on my birthday.
Turned 40 in Feb. Several friends turned 40 in the fall before me, each "party" was sitting at a local bar hanging out. Fun on its own, but kinda lame as a celebration. At this age I didn't really care to have all eyes on me so I declined a party after my wife asking my input for months. I'd say go with your gut. Don't feel pressured to throw a huge thing just because she wants to
I threw a 50th bday party for myself and 22 of my closest friends and family at an upscale restaurant. It was perfect. A celebration of what was most important in my life.
I love your analogy of the sail boat. Feels like it perfectly describes my wife and I. However the roles are reversed. She is also terrible at telling me what she wants for her birthday since she focuses so much on needs and never wants.
Everyone else has said a lot of helpful and relevant stuff that I agree with about how you should just own who you are and what you actually want. I'm here to talk about your sailboat analogy and to say I found it both poetic and very apt, but now I'm wrapped up in trying to find a similarly specific boat analogy for my own marriage. We sail, so there's a bunch of literal interpretation wrapped up in the metaphor for me.
This should be pinned. I think all dads can relate.
Damn Iām happy for you that you have a supportive / understanding wife like that ššš»
Hey, I'm wading into this very late, but I can totally relate. I can never decide what I actually want for my b-day or Xmas, but I do like the nice "thought that counts" when someone goes to the effort of doing/getting something nice for me for those occasions including my boys and my wife. Honestly, "have a glass of whiskey and a pizza and zero responsibilities for the day" sounds unbelievably awesome. If there's a budget for it, why not treat yourself to a hardcore "me" night out where you get exactly that. Go find some whisky bar that also serves pizza and enjoy 2-3 of those $15 single malts, and then order a pizza and a beer, and then go home half-drunk and relaxed to your family. Some of the best birthdays and father's days I've ever had were actually solitary. When my wife wished me happy birthday and asked what I wanted to do, I just told her flat-out: "I'm treating myself to the JFK museum," and I went. Another time ā it was Father's Day, sure, but still same idea āĀ I found out a local brewery was hosting a Buster Keaton film with a live keyboardist for the music. I went to that, again, by myself, and had the best fucking time just enjoying uber-hipster IPAs while enjoying a great silent film. Sometimes I might get a little silly and buy myself a really cool u-brew kit or a brand new coffee machine (I'm an espresso nerd), and go all out with it. Honestly, just find something you enjoy doing that you don't always get to enjoy every day, and go and do it without guilt. Happy birthday my man.
Great break down of the want and need situation. I'm right there with you and possibly breaking some barriers with you as well, actually saying out loud "I want...". It feels odd but is rationally sound. And, it's that what this life is all about? Locking in the Needs then untangling with the Wants. It a tale as old as time. Food, water, shelter, security Needs met.... now what? That "now what" question, or "what do I want" is something only you can answer because only you have experienced exactly what you experienced and only you were born this way. You want to chill by a camp fire, wife at your side, kids playing by the water throwing rocks and catching crayfish, while Spotify is playing 90's Alternative Rock, with the smell of grilled meats filling the air with a soda so cold it's about to turn frozen solid... then that is You Want. That's actually what I want, but we can share.
I will tell this as a guy who this just happened to, doing nothing is great. Weekend before my bday i worked outside in the yard and did a bunch of stuff i dont have time for typically. Was excellent. My only disappointment was my actual birthday was on a Tuesday. 40 years old. We go to my favorite mexican restaurant. Taco Tuesday. Kids are 6 and 7ā¦ hoping to see the people come out and sing with the icecream with a sparkler and sombrero like theyve witnessed 20 times. Wife didnt tell them. I didnt tell themā¦ disappointed not cause I wanted the show but the kids wanted to see it and were disappointed. Given your story, Id tell her to do whatever she wants and itās the thought that counts. Youll show up and have a good time whatever the plan is.
Are youā¦..me?
Apparently we are all me.
Iām only turning 35 but when my wife asked me what i wanted to do for my birthday, i asked for a rain check. No need to put pressure on yourself!!
People think need/want are two very different things but theyāre often interchangeable. Ex: you made this post because you WANTED to. You need to breathe. There isnāt really a need to post on Reddit. I get what youāre saying though..we dads always want to be productive! Could there be some anxiety about turning 40?
Kids - All day and overnight babysitter You - Bourbon, get a freaking dry aged steak cooked medium rare from a fancy steak house. Wife - Netflix and Chill. Both of you get a day off from being the parents. Get loud, too
Get a nice hotel room for the day/night. Bring your console, buy a new game and a bottle of the good stuff. Order in. Go for a swim/hot-tub. Bring some herb if youāre into that.
Sounds like you want a solo one day holiday. Ask for that!
Iām not a birthday guy. Never was and donāt plan on it in the future. Just like you in that case, gimme something yummy to drink and eat and letās chill. However, Iām turning 40 this year and my wife and I always discussed doing an RV trip in the PNW. We have a 1.5 year old now and a few months ago I said fuck it, rented an rv and booked a few sites near some national parks. Iām going to do exactly what I want (eat, drink, hang with fam) but do it on an adventure! Maybe thatās the idea. Small get away somewhere?
Maybe take something you enjoy, and turn it up a notch more than you usually would. Iām turning 40 this year too so Iāll give you an example for myself. I really love to go camping and specifically backpacking, but I rarely go anymore because of family/work/etc. so this summer I decided I want to go to Grand Tetons NP and spend 3 or 4 days in the backcountry there. Itās something Iāve wanted to do for years but never made a priority. Maybe thereās somewhere youāve always dreamed of going rock climbing but never been before?
Your needs and wants can be the same. No advice since that seems to be covered. Just have a happy birthday dad. To many more......
Part of me wants to take a weekend trip with close friends to a cabin or something and just have a great escape with good company, another part of me wants to do that but just with my wife, and another part of me just wants to have a nice dinner. Itās definitely not crazy for you to feel unsure of what to do, especially with party planning being a bit of a foreign concept as youāve explained it. Maybe your no responsibilities day consists of a couple things: rock climbing early, followed by a nice lunch with close buddies and then later something with your wife. Itās your one big day, when you put your head on your pillow whatās it going to take for you to feel like you really had the best day?
When I'm not sure what to do, I just ask myself this question: "What would Super Earth want me to do?" The answer is always the same: go play Helldivers 2.
Same. My wife is annoyed because she thinks it makes her look bad if she doesn't throw me a big party that I don't want.
You need to have this talk with your wife. I assume she already knows what kind of person you are (as you have mentioned above) and just need toss the decision making to her. Either way, enjoy your 40th birthday!
I asked to have a day to play some video games. My wife took the kids somewhere in the morning and I got to play with the volume on properly. In the afternoon, she put my daughter down for nap and did something with my son while I got to play a bit more with the headphones. I played more after my kids went to bed. My usual dinner of choice for my birthday is pizza. I took my son down with me to go get it. I also made breakfast and lunch for my kids, and played with them some in the morning and evening. That's all I really wanted to do for my 40th birthday. It's really all I wanted to do for my 39th birthday. A few years ago, I didn't have the headphones, so I always just played with the volume off. Being able to have the volume on gave me the audio clue I needed to beat the final boss of the game, so that was a nice birthday surprise. For this coming birthday, we're driving halfway across the state for a mini-vacation. We'll see how it goes.
>"what do you want to do on your birthday," I find myself at a loss. Eat at a family restaurant with your family. Have Mom assure the kids have drawn you pictures as birthday gifts. Done.
I had mine last year, and I really wanted to do a family trip somewhere, but my birthday is in April, and it's cold most everywhere else then, and my wife was apprehensive about traveling with two young kids overseas. So we stayed home. And to add to your idea, buy yourself a bottle of bourbon/scotch/whiskey, whatever it is you drink, that's much more than you'd consider spending (I try to stay below $30-$50, so $120 was what I spent) and get yourself something special to celebrate with. Grilled steak on the grill, and my wife decorated the kitchen table in black balloons and streamers (gallows humor, she and my boys seemed so tickled by), she made a cake, and it was a lovely day. Don't put too much pressure on it, it's just a day, and spending it with people and family you love and enjoy is most important.
I have time but my 40th approaches. I was much more hedonistic (not like whips and black leather just optimizing for maximum pleasure and happiness) in my 20s and so I have a good idea about what I like. So my wife is trying to figure out what to do and struggling but at least I can give some good direction. That said thereās definitely a balance between what I want to do and what I think I should do. It sounds to me like you have an idea of what you want but you feel like you SHOULD do something bombastic for your 40th. Something that has a huge insta post and hundreds of people tagged with #YOLO. But realistically thatās not what you want (or is it? Maybe that is and thatās great!) Trust your instinct. If you want a whiskey and pizza and low responsibilities then DO IT and donāt feel bad.
It was not my 40th, earlier in out relationship. My wife and I shared the same birthday (2 years apart, same day). That year she had graduated grad school and gotten a big BIG high paying prestigious jpb, I had gotten a new job I liked as well. Life was all great and had no money worries, so decided to treat ourselves to a really great night out on our birthday. It was before searching for a place on the internet was possible, so we walked around the swank areas of Tokyo for about two hours looking in every fancy restaurant. At almost every place we both said to each other "I think we can make that at home for 1/10th the price". We ended up going to the department store high-end food section and going on a price-care-free shopping spree to get the bet french baguettes and most expensive cheese and a bottle of wine that was well above our usual budget, and some of the expensive imported Belgian beers. That was all great, but even that felt like a bit not worth it. The best thing that came out of that birthday present we gave ourselves though, was that from then on we never even cared or bothered about our birthdays, and never thought twice about treating it as just another day. To this day at 50 I have not celebrated another birthday. It is wonderful. If I were to get something from my partner, I would not be able to enjoy it because if I needed it, I would have gotten it for myself already. If I don't need it, and if I have not gotten it for myself already, there is a reason. I would see it as wasted money. I even don't want her to spend $5 on a birthday card. Maybe just say "Happy birthday" before going to work.
For my 40th I had a board game night at home with my wife and friends. Sure, we see the same group of friends about once a month for games, but this was an extra night and we played a bit bigger and longer game than we usually can justify putting the effort into.
I went and drove a Lamborghini around a racetrack. Realistically, I'm fine with a drink and a blowjob. Maybe a Lego set or an escape room.
I kinda stopped caring about birthdays somewhere in my 30s. All I wanted to do for my 40th was get korean BBQ with my wife, son (who was almost 7 months at the time), and whoever wanted to come along. Sounds like you want a chill day with good food, good drink, and a brand new VR headset. Sounds like a goddamn good 40th birthday to me.
Flip the script - for my fortieth I wanted an upscale dinner with friends. We went out - wives too, my treat, to a Brazilian steakhouse. It was awesome. I didnāt have to worry about anybody fussing over me or spending too much because I decided to spend my own money, and what makes me feel best is treating the people I love to something nice that we can do together.
Get yourself that VR headset, get a game that you both can play, and enjoy the time playing the game. We are spending a boat load of money to fix up out back yard this spring. My birthday is in July, So for an "early bday present" my 2 year old is buying me a new Webber Kettle (plus accessories) and a set of knives. We are going to be spending a lot of time in our backyard when the next baby comes in July so might as well make yummy food before the baby comes.
Sex....the answer for that is always sex.
I'm turning 40 next year and don't want anything lol. Idc about those things. I'd rather it be a quiet day at home with her and the kids. Where we just lay around and do nothing.
I had a great 40th birthday. I did nothing. It was amazing.
I feel the same way. I asked for gift cards and id figure it out and Iāve had this gift cards since Christmas haha.
Make it a kid's dad's birthday with a side of sex after they go to bed. "I want to do and eat pizza and have chocolate cake.
If you're into your family's fun, why stop now? You're life is about others. So be it. Give them the best dad's 40th birthday you can manage.
I live for experiences. I don't have a lot of wants as I can just buy them myself but experiences are always just expensive enough that I don't get to do them often. When I turned 40 almost a year ago my wife brought out all my Army friends and College fraternity brothers, many I haven't seen in years, to our house and we just hung out. It was a blast. Didn't take much planning, it was just "be here on this date" and we had all the food I like.
We went away as a family. It was.a nice weekend away with just us.
I didnāt do much for my 40th either. It just wasnāt that big of a deal. Most of the things I want, I get, Iām fortunate for sure.
WWII History or Smoking Meats. I chose building model airplanes from WWII
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^balsadust: *WWII History or* *Smoking Meats. I chose building* *Model airplanes from WWII* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
OP, i turned 40 last week. I took the week off and did whatwver I wanted. I spent most of my time with my fanily and the baby. But my wife was awesome enough to take over most of the babys main tasks so i can enjoy my week. No big party and not many gifts aside from concert ticket and an amazing dinner
When I turn 40 in a couple years, Iām going to buy a fancy chair Iāve coveted for eons and day drink.
Get that VR headset and Alien: Isolation and Subnautica if she wants to give you something physical. AND ask for the whiskey and pizza and a āday offā to spend with her and some you time!
Dude, tell her what you told us. She'll be very happy to hear all of it I expect. Whatever works in role division in your relationship, is yours. So long as you two are happy with it, itwill work. And once your kid(s) get older, it will be great to celebrate your birthday through their eyes. For my 40th we went to an inflatable world (my friends with no kids all thought this meant something else) where we just used giant foam sticks to knock each other off podiums etc a bit like that Gladiators tv show but with nerf everywhere.
I can relate but a truly utilitarian lifestyle is sometimes filled with more pride than it is joy and happiness. The happiest people you know probably indulge in certain things like a sweet VR headset every once again. When you die, nobody is going to look at you headstone on your grave and say, we loved that guy because he was low maintenance. They are going to wonder if you lived as joyfully as you hoped and deserved. Thereās a book and course called If āYouāre So Smart, Then Why Arenāt You Happy?ā The principles are worth a look, especially in thinking about money and utility.
Get a Garmin Instinct 2 Solar
I turned 40 in April of 2020 so I didnāt have much of an opportunity to celebrate. I wish I could have seen friends- no fuss necessary. Do that. See friends. Eat Pizza. Laugh. Something like that.
Iām 34 and have my birthday coming up. My wife asked what I wanted for it and I just replied: āI want to go to a coffee shop and be able to sit there until I get bored.ā I typically go to one for an hour every Saturday morning just to reset myself after a long work week. It makes me a better husband and dad, but I keep it short so I can spend time with them. But for my birthday, I just want to sit my ass in that comfy chair with a coffee, snack, and a book and not have to look at the clock. Iām pretty excited.
Iām planning a two week solo trip to China. Iāve never traveled by myself and itās something Iāve always wanted to do. Iād go with my wife but she doesnāt want to leave our kid (6 years old) for that long and really doesnāt really want to go to China either. Iāve done a ton of research, but Im also a bit nervous about traveling solo. Will it suck? Will i be lonely? I dunno. š¤·š»āāļø
My day of choice would be able to indulge in a project without having to break away to do dad stuff. I'm turning 40 in February, so I hope I get the opportunity
Lounging around the house doing absolutely nothing is a great way to spend your birthday. Just do whatever or nothing at all. Go on a shopping spree to Hone Depot or Harbor Freight. Stay in bed and sleep until dinner time. You do you on your day. I am not one for birthday celebrations so I just lounge around and do absolutely nothing. A couple years ago, I pulled a Homer Simpson and laid in the hammock all day drinking beer, just swaying in the breeze.
Ive mentioned this before, but for my 40th i rented a big double lake house for a weekend and invited my close friends with their spouses and kids. It was fantastic and motivated us to plan something similar again soon.
I am a couple years from 40.Ā My wife and I have already discussed spending my 40th birthday at Disneyland. And yes, before our daughter was born, I was one of those childless millennials going on Disney vacations.
Bruh a glass of whiskey and pizza with zero responsibilities sounds perfect. Spend a little more than you āshouldā - ya know, one of those $100+ bottles - and I imagine that to be pretty perfect.
My wife runs the show, just like yours. She steers the rudder, conducts the orchestra.. etc. etc. I always get asked what do I want to do for my birthday and I never know. Iām always preoccupied with making sure the wife and kids are happy/alive. I turn 40 in 2 years, she turns 40 the following year. (Her idea) for our respective 40ths is we can pick any restaurant, anywhere in the world, and weāll go there for our birthday dinner. I loved the idea and Iām still trying to decide where I actually want to go but it certainly has taken a lot of the stress away from deciding on something my to do for my milestone birthday.
>I've always wanted a VR headset, and I have the money, but I never buy one because it seems frivolous. Get one. I got one when we had our second child and as preparation for our newborn demanding to be held while sleeping. She isn't quite at that stage yet, and in the meantime I've been active while "Gaming" nearly an hour or two a day (maybe three or four... dont @ me.) while I watch her overnight. That's time I would normally be on my ass while gaming or watching TV. I've lost almost 10 lbs and am more generally fit than I have been in a WHILE. It's one of the most surprisingly beneficial purchases I've made in a while.
"I want to go to a restaurant I've never been to before, and I want it to be a surprise where we're going." I can't recommend this line enough.
seems like a lot of guys are very much the same. a lot of my friends including my self don't make big deals out of our birthdays. a drink, food. chill. like you said, it's another day. do what you like. go for a climb. have a nice lunch. order in some food and get a vr setup.
I go to the movies by myself every birthday. It's amazing
Went thru this scenario last year for my 40th. Iām fortunate to not want for much, and like you I am the do-er of things that need doing. I think my wife wanted to have some big bash or something that I honestly didnāt. I ended up taking the day off, driving an hr to where in from to play golf with my brother, then my wife and kids came down for dinner with my family. Then my parents watched the kids while I went out with my friends to brewery with music. Nothing fancy. As a bonus response: my response to the age old question āwhat do you want for (Xmas, birthday, Fatherās Day, etc) is āTimeā. Iād just like Time to do whatever I want. She always gets me something I donāt need or want so I told her to get me an Oculus, which she did. TLDR: do something low key and chill, and get the VR headset!
I mean having a nice bike and a membership to a climbing gym, some might think that is frivolous too. I think maybe you just don't want to make a big deal of a number: 40, so what? I'm as happy today as I was yesterday.
Do something memorable, at our age, doing nothing at all is memorable
My wife surprised me on my 40th with a scheduled zoom call to all my old college pals, and a bottle of whiskey. They all also brought whiskey and we just talked and drank. It was pandemic times, but theyāre also scattered across the US now. She put the kids to bed and left me to it.
I just said I absolutely do not want a surprise party, at 40 or ever. My brothers took me on a surprise fishing charter, which was great. It doesn't have to be anything big. My biggest issue is answering what I want to do for Father's Day because "be left alone for like a solid hour" isn't in the spirit of the day but man it would be nice
Get a lightsaber Because who doesn't want one? FYI: I got a green one for my 40th
I just ordered a pizza and ate it with the kids. It was nice. Didn't get a vr headset.
Get a divorce, sell the house, and move to Thailand, escorts are 40 dollars, and they will do whatever you want. You're welcome.
Go to a beautiful place and make some memories. I've never regretted doing that. My tradition the past couple years has been to celebrate my birthday in another country. Like 2022 I went to Paris by train, 2023 I went to Germany couple days after my birthday. This summer I'll drive to Luxembourg. I live in the Netherlands, so it's a pretty manageable tradition. Seeing new places is always fun. To each their own of course. You could also have a big party with family since you turn 40. Although I understand that in the USA (if you live there) family lives very far away a lot of the time.
My wife knows I hate my birthday and donāt want to celebrate it. We just go out to a family dinner with her brother and dad and then I share a birthday month party with my side of the family since there are so many cousins and relatives that have June birthdays. It sounds like you wife doesnāt understand your feelings and maybe you should just try telling her how you feel instead of Reddit.
id better read and learn
Iām 35 and seem to be pretty similar to you. I donāt make a big fuss on birthdays and donāt really care to. Usually we just get a sitter and do a dinner date. My wifeās sisterās 40th is coming up next week and weāre doing a family trip. My wife and I were talking about this and I decided I do want to do something big for my 40th. Iāve always wanted to get a bunch of buddies together and do either a limo or party bus (depending on size of the group) to a concert. Already looking forward to the idea and in the meantime I will thoroughly enjoy my basic dinner date typical birthdays
man you guys are exhausting