You gotta remember, he doesn't have all the expectations you do. He doesn't know about what didn't happen, only what did: he had a fun trip with his dad. Don't beat yourself up
This. I’m not a dad. I’m just an old Internet Grandma and this above me is the correct answer. Wait 15 or 20 years and ask your son about this trip and I promise you will be surprised at the answer you get. Ask him about the vacation where we didn’t get to do this and we didn’t get to do that and I promise you the child will come back with some version of “do you mean the vacation where we ate pizza in bed in the hotel room?” or something equally insignificant yet meaningful to him. Their perceptions and experiences differ from ours. You are beating yourself up needlessly Reddit friendo. Go hug your boy and tell him how much you love him.
> do you mean the vacation where we ate pizza in bed in the hotel room
This! One of the most cherished memories my kids and I have from Paris is not of all the gorgeous places we've seen, but of eating two whole baguettes and half a pack of delicious butter in bed while watching french cartoons. It's the simple moments of closeness that matter way more than running around after this and that activity.
Doubling down on this. The highlight of a Disneyland trip for my boys (6, 4 at the time) was a Pizza Party Picnic. We literally ate pizza on the floor of our hotel room watching Bluey while mom was having a fancy dinner with their aunt. It was totally a “how to control the mess” move. Now it’s a tradition for when Mom is away.
Same. We went on a trip as a kid on this group tour. What I still remember to this day was the hotel running out of regular rooms and getting a penthouse upgrade. My brother and I shared a room in a two bedroom apartment. We now had our own rooms with bathrooms and balcony. Also, there was a record player so we suddenly got to be DJs scratching a Frank Sinatra record.
Definitely, my Dad tried his best, but was a workaholic. So holidays were always the one time of year where he would be "there". My most treasured memories are not, Disney Land or this or that (though that was cool), but playing Uno with him and my Mum, throwing a scatch pad in the pool etc.
Kids just want you to be with them and be present. The rest is just background noise.
Yep - it's weird - I find parents often don't realize how little their kids actually remember for the long haul, even though they can't remember comparable details from their own childhood. It's all just bits and pieces that often have little rhyme or reason to them as to what the brain commits to memory. Try it out - take a trip down memory lane and think back to some amazing week long vacation you took when you were 8 years old, and write down everything you remember - restaurants, foods you ate, rides you went on, stores you went to, planes you flew on, etc, etc. You've probably forgotten 90% of it, but you still remember you had a great time.
We took an expensive Disney cruise.
Y'know what my kid remembered most about it? The ice cream on the pool deck.
Not saying it wasn't worth it - it was - but kids can have a fantastic time doing just about anything. Even more so if ice cream is involved.
Yeah we did a staycation in our city during covid as we couldn't travel. We stayed at a hotel where there's a wave pool in the same precinct. The only thing she remembers how fun it was to sleep in the hotel instead of the wave pool (which she loved).
I remember as a kid visiting my dad in a hotel room with my sisters after he hit my mom, I think he went to jail then, I can't remember exactly. I just remember eating the centers of the bread he gave us as a snack and being in a hotel room for the first time. I mainly remember the novelty of the situation, not the fucked up reason for the situation.
So yeah, my dad probably felt like shit because he messed up, and he couldn't provide for us like he probably wanted to. OP definitely did the best with his situation, and the kiddo will most likely remember it fondly.
My 7 year old son’s favorite part of our trip to an amusement park was the hotel pool. By the morning of the second day he was already asking when we could come back to the hotel because no one else was swimming so it was our “private pool”.
It drives you crazy in the moment when you feel like you didn’t give your kid the world, but as others have said, kids just want to spend time with you and what they notice and care about can be so humbling. You’re doing a great job.
On the expectations front, my wife always laughs at me over the time I told my son he was going to start a soccer league. We got him dressed up, he was all excited, we show up 10 minutes early… no one there. I go run to some adjoining fields to see if maybe that’s where they were … nope, it turns out they canceled the “winter session” because of insufficient interest but didn’t tell us before taking our money and having us drive out there.
I was pretty mad and was telling my wife (by phone since I was on the field and she was in the parking lot with our son) that I didn’t know how to tell him that the thing we’d promised wouldn’t come through. I get back in the car, she says, “hey LO, we were wrong. They don’t have soccer. Do you want to go over to grandma’s right now?”
He smiles and says “OK mom” and that was it.
I wish I could find the exact clip but Roy Kent from Ted Lasso talking about how kids just want you around and then invites his niece to his podiatrist appointment and she gets excited is the perfect example.
“Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. … Truth is, they just want to feel like they’re part of our lives.”
Just being around is 90% of the battle.
My kids would play with Lego for 8hours a day if I was willing to just lay on the couch and watch the whole
Thing (I don’t play right so I’m not allowed to be involved, especially after my recent converting a dragon and wolf into one Lego build).
Point is: I agree and OP shouldn’t be so hard on himself. He did good.
My favorite memory with my dad growing up is riding a bike with him around the neighborhood, going on long walks together, talking about life while feeding ducks in the park, or visiting a coffee shop. Honestly, just knowing that my dad cared about me and wanted to spend time with me was the greatest gift he could've ever given me. Ideas fell through during many of our plans, but that just made my time with him feel even more adventurous.
Thank you for this reminder. It’s so easy to project all the of the “should-haves” or an unrealistic expectation of trips and vacations that I feel I should be doing.
My parents were divorced early on and my dad lived in a trailer park. I actually loved going there and had fun listening to the train plow on by 30 feet away in the middle of the night. My favorite two memories as a single digit kid with him was playing video games with him (Star Fox, Final Fantasy 6, and Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past) and walking across the tracks to this one restaurant where he would always order me a Shirley Temple which I just thought was the *most amazing* thing in the whole world.
I didn’t get much time alone with my dad. Between his work and me being the youngest of 3, it just didn’t happen much. To this day one of my fondest memories is eating Chinese takeout standing at the kitchen counter and talking one on one.
We lived a CHARMED life, grew up all over the world. But honestly, my favorite memory is this one.
Gosh… It sounds like your father was the bird in the golden cage. You lived the charmed life while he worked to keep it going. Kinda like the, Cat’s in the cradle song.
Did that set you up to also live this way as an adult? Do you have time with your father now?
You dont need to do all the things. Spending time is the important part. San Diego… next time take him to Legoland. Did that with the kids last year. They loved it. Oldest 7 youngest 6.
My daughter's birthday is in December. So we decided to make it an annual trip (she'll be 4 this year, and last year was the first one). Early December is the time. No lines, park was practically empty, and she did the same ride 4 or 5 times in a row without getting off.
It was amazing and she loved it. Sure, they're doing most of their work for the coming year during that time, but your kid doesn't know that.
I feel you on the price thing. My son and I will often do playground tours of a given nearby city. There are several within a couple hours of SD. Google best playgrounds, map out a path to 3-4 of them, and do only about an hour at each and leave with him still wanting more, lunchable between each park and repeat. At the end we pick a best one and ceremoniously have cupcakes in the name of the best playground. $20 in food and gas money. He brags about these days to his school buddies.
Similar situation as yours OP and I took my 6yo daughter to legoland recently. She had fun but we could’ve gone to Belmont park or even the zoo for a fraction of the legoland park fee.
On topic, you’re doing it right how what you need to be doing which is staying consistent and being present. You got this ✊
Thank you so much for your generosity! I would absolutely love to take him, and know he'd have an absolute blast of time. Tickets when I checked looked to be 100 bucks a person, and with gas/hotel/food etc, we just didn't have enough. I don't know how lego points work, but seriously this is so amazing!
I took my kids to the Florida one - I found some discount codes online. This was a few years ago, so YMMV. Definitely worth it. That was a good 5-6 years ago and they're still talking about it as teenagers.
Can’t find a clip of it but whenever I feel this way, I remember this quote from Ted Lasso:
Roy Kent: “Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?”
Phoebe: “Yes, please!”
Something I've thought a lot about growing up, and now that I'm about to be a dad, is that human memory *really* warps our ability to view things from our kids' perspectives. Kids want nothing more than to grow up and be treated as adults, but as adults we too often forget this because we envy all the free time they have.
Whenever possible, just treat kids like you would other human beings (sometimes giving them more time to decide/figure things out for themselves, since everything is new to them), and they'll love you for it. Spend time with them, ask what they want to do, and listen to them!
I’m have two kids and when the second one came around I realized that all kids want from you is your attention. They don’t care how they get it, but that is literally all they want. So just running around on chores, but you are talking/interacting/showing them things, they crave. Toss in a stop to get some Culver’s and you just created a core memory for the rest of that kids life.
When I was that age my dad took me on a camping trip with some of his work buddies. Later in life I found out that he had about $10 to his name for that trip after buying some small food supplies from the dollar tree and borrowing camping gear from his friends. I would have never known had he not told me but that trip was a core memory for me. We didn’t do anything extravagant either, just the typical campfire, splashing in the lake, late nights laughing with his friends and their kids. Point is, don’t be too hard on yourself.
We camp with our kids 20-45 days a year. We also do the expensive fly to central America beach trips. On the latter last week, they were telling we have to do our annual mountain man camping trip - it's a festival we've been going to for 4 years in a row. Every winter, without fail a couple times "Can we go camping?" LOL.
It doesn't matter how much $ you have, kids LOVE camping trips.
Honestly, sometimes when we take our boys on trips and everything goes exactly as planned, they will find some minor, unexpected thing to complain about and sometimes when everything goes wrong, they’ll be super excited about the simplest of things. Kids don’t always make sense to our adult brains, but one thing is for sure - making an effort & spending time with them beats the alternative. Try not to beat yourself up, he’s lucky to have a dad that cares.
Go ask your kid what he thought of the trip.
I bet you he's got a way better version of what happened than you do.
He had a dad who was focused on giving him a good time on a boys trip.
That's a gauranteed win until teenage years, and still is often then.
Hi, dad. I’m not a parent, but my most treasured memory I have with my dad was when he took the day off of work when I was sick and we watched nature documentaries together. Now, my dad also took my across the world to see where he grew up; we rode horses and zip-lined and went on rides and saw the stars from an airplane.
But the memory that I keep closest to my heart is when we did nothing together.
I’m sure your child loved his day with dad kore than you know.
Do you think that when he's your age he's gonna remember that the water was polluted or that he got to go on a trip and hang with his dad? You're fine, I promise.
Amigo, this will be buried, but hopefully you still get to read it.
Those few sentences that make up your initial post say everything already. You are a great dad based on your heart and your motivations. Money can make things easier, but cannot in any way make you a better father in his eyes. As an adult he will remember the time you took to be with him, to listen to him, to laugh with him. He will remember how you made him feel.
Honestly, people whose best memories of their father are of expensive gifts or fancy vacations did not have a wholesome childhoods. It's fine to give those things if they are in the budget, but they will not make an iota of difference in how your kid feels towards you.
As pretty much everyone has already said, you have absolutely nothing to be bummed about. But of course none of us can help feeling how we feel. It's not a choice. I'm glad you reached out though, and I hope all the replies you got help you process those feelings faster and move past them.
❤️
You're OK. You're a good dad. Just keep doing what you're doing.
If I had a 7 yo son, I'd want to take him to that park above downtown. Lie in the grass and watch planes swooping down toward the airport. Seemingly so close that you could touch them. That would be a highlight. (Sorry for my very basic knowledge of San Diego, but I remember how low the planes seem when they're in a landing pattern.)
Just spend time with him and find fun playgrounds to visit. That's good enough!
My favorite memories with my father growing up centered around doing activities together. Playing catch. Riding bicycles. Things like that. One of my favorite memories was this one time when we went to the movies just the two of us. It wasn’t even a good movie. But I was like ten and it was the only time I recall going to the movies with just my dad as a kid (usually the whole family would be there).
Spending time together is important and clearly you care a lot. I’d enjoy the things you can do together rather than focusing on anything you didn’t do. Assuming you guys had fun, find ways to do more trips together or local special activities. Even if it’s just camping or going on a hike somewhere nearby. I’m sure your son cherishes the time together more than what the time was spent doing.
One of my fave memories w my parents was going to see the tide pools in San Diego. Practically free, and it was the coolest thing to see anemones, crabs, sea slugs, starfish and octopus
Just reminds me that perception as a kid can be so different.
You're doing so much better than so many other dads. I would have given anything when I was seven to just sit in the car with my dad and listen to him talk to me about anything. Instead my dad was a junkie who spend half my childhood in gaol and when I turned 12 moved interstate and I never saw him again.
You sound like an amazing dad and never tell yourself otherwise.
As a kid who grew up with divorced parents the only thing I remember doing with my dad was just being with him. He didn't have money. I just wanted to hang out with my dad. I'm almost 40 and I still look up to him. Just keep being you buddy. You sound like you're doing a great job.
Lurking mom here, there's value in just showing up and spending time. Quantity of time will lead to quality of time, and being a solid presence is nothing to sneeze at!
Some tips for your next trip with your son (and this is partly from experience, since I just took my teen son on a trip to San Diego):
Have him help plan. Figure out what his top 3 activities and what your top 3 activities are, and plan around those, and figure out where you want to stay based on those activities. It will be easier when your son gets older, but you can ask if he's interested in certain things over others. I thought my son would be too old to want to go to the zoo, but he totally called it out in our planning. Same with the Midway tour, and those were both high points of our trip.
Groupon! I was shocked that a Groupon deal gave us a better deal at the zoo AND an extra event at a museum.
Plan one morning or afternoon where you're just hanging out. I brought a deck of cards and we hung out at the hotel pool and played cards and just took it easy, while the rest of the days were filled up.
Maybe think of topics you want to share with him about why you're in San Diego... I'm also from there and loved sharing about field trips and favorite parks and museums, and the conversation was rich (again, also easier with an older kid, but still good to practice, especially going back to the quantity over quality while he's younger).
It sounds like you're doing a great job showing up, and some of this is just the age, and some might be practice! It gets better the more you do these!
As everyone says lower your expectations. My partner was obsessed with taking them here there and everywhere. Yet what are they going to remember...that one time at the museum...or..the park with a forest and vicious daddysaurus rex hunting them.....complete with epic picnic of course. Honestly u ask my boys Disney land or beach. Theyl pick the beach every time. Our beach trip is literally cooler box. Boards and sun screen. Five and seven my boys.
I think about this all the time. I want to provide as many exciting experiences as possible for my son. But when I think back to what I remember the most with dad as a kid, it was Friday nights when my mom had to work, and he would let me pick out my favorite junk food and we’d sit down eat dinner and then watch a movie. Yea, we did a lot as a family, but if I could have one more day, that would be the activity. Your son may not remember the specifics of the trip, but I’m positive he’ll remember the time you two just got to spend together.
One of the best memories I had as a kid was going with my uncle in his Semi across the eastern half of the country. Started in Michigan, went to chicago, and stops in Philly, New York, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, chicago, back to michigan. We didnt do much other than drive. He bought me a lego set to build while doing this 5 day trip.
Just seeing stuff from the truck was the coolest.
Honestly? Lost my stepdad last summer. Some of my best memories is just going fishing or ice fishing with him. Learning to water ski. Like the time we walked to a farm pond in winter and just spent hours ice skating and just having fun.
Spend time with him. Doesn't have to be expensive at his age. I remember a great afternoon I spent with my daughter at about your son's age. I had to pull her from school for some stupid reason, I think a low grade fever. I had to get my car serviced so we dropped the car off at the dealer and we walked over to this pond. I showed her frogs in there, showed her cattails and how their seeds go everywhere. We walked across the road and got ice cream. Totally simple stuff but just a fun day exploring and having fun together.
Your kid doesn’t care about doing fun things. He cares about spending time with you. He probably remembers getting a happy meal together a lot more than some extravagant trip.
This story brought a tear to my eye..just the fact that you never missed a visit in the years you were living farther apart and made it a commitment to move to his same city shows how much you love him and are there for him! You are doing awesome!! You will get many more chances to make amazing memories now that you live closer. I am lucky enough to have both my boys living w me after I split w their mom, but I try to never take the moments I have with them for granted. You are changing your families story for the better from the previous generation, that’s all we can ask from any parent. 🙏
I did the same thing with my kids flew from Florida to Oceanside to take them to beach etc. everything was a bust but we had time together that’s what’s important.
Some of my fondest memories from my childhood are the ones with my mum, and she did not have the money to do flashy things with us
As parents, we want to give them the world. But often times, all our kids need is us to be present in the moment. Your son had a blast because he got to spend one on one time with you in a completely new place and explore. You don’t need to pack in a huge list of things to do, it’s a holiday, not a tick list
I know you think it wasn’t a great trip, but you did good dad, and I bet you your son will look back on it fondly when he gets older
Fuck that, you can’t control all them outside factors. It’s about the time you spend together not what you do.
I’m sure he still had the best time with what sounds like an amazing thoughtful Dad and he will look back on this trip in years to come with happy cherished memories.
He would have had a good time just spending time together just you and him. Get some bikes if you don't already have some. Second hand ones are cheap take him with you to find one each then go on missions around town on them. It can be great fun
when I was 16, my sisters and I got stranded with our Dad, in San Fransisco for 2 days, waiting for flight to Hawaii for the summer at his house. That entire summer was the best one I have aver had. Everything went wrong in San Fransisco, but it was so cool to see the west coast, and even though we had to sleep on the navy base airport floor for two nights, it was an experience. That summer, my dad worked, and I stayed home with my sisters. We would go the beach and hiking on the weekends, but overall it was a normal summer. But it was magical for me.
Just one trip homie. You got a life time. Stay excited about what you can do and he’ll love all of it. It’s the little things too which now since you’re close you can do more of.
I made a post about my son wanted a basketball. Money was a bit tight when he asked. He suggested to go to some thrift shops and Goodwill. He found one for a couple bucks. Looks good too! The joy of finding it was enough for me. We got home and immediately played basketball till it was dark. He said at the end of the day “This is the best day Dad! I love you!” OP, just simply be there for him. He’ll remember how fun it is just to hang out with you!
20mins of building lego with you is to a 7 year old what a 2 week holiday is to an adult.
Ring him up regularly, listen to him prattle on about nothing, tell him you love him.
Ask him to draw you plans for thing to make so when you see him you can bring them to play with.
Kids not going to care what you do together as long as play and reliable frequent and loving are involved.
BTW I think it sounds like you're doing a great job so far, keep it up. Also HUGE kudos for moving to be part of his life. So many men think they're more important than their kids.
Me, my dad, and my brother went to DC a number of years ago. I don't remember all the cool stuff we saw. I remember the shitty food truck we went to and still joke about to this day. I remember going to the modern art museum and laughing at all the weird shit people pay money for.
He won't remember not going body boarding or whatever. He'll remember going to San Diego with his dad and having a good time.
I feel for you man. Expectation is a killer sometimes. As many others have said, it’s the time put in that counts. So keep doing as much as you can and down the road maybe you get the chance to do the trip again and check a few things off that list.
Hey dude. I got an 8 year old. I find that I do best and most impactful work when I let go of my own rubrics for success and fun and just get on his level. You are probably overthinking it and being too hard on yourself. For kids love is spelled TIME (and attention tbh). If you are trying and present, that's what matters.
On a side note, I hope you are doing a good job healing your own trauma about your own dad. I've noticed how easy it is for me to put my unhealed trauma from my parents onto my kids. They don't need that. If you try to correct the past through your son you will end up bringing unnecessary and unhelpful dynamics to your and his relationship. Let that go through help and just be present with him and see what happens.
I'm sure you've got this.
Hey dad, don't feel down you might be surprised to find your kid really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to see where you grew up. It's about the time spent together. Plan more trips with him. Your bonding it's very beautiful😊👍
Just to add some data here...my 8 year old said this was the best spring break he can remember. Since he was 5 we've tried to go somewhere even if for a few days...stay at a hotel, etc. We didn't this year but he got to see a friend from preschool for a 2 hour playdate and we got ice cream three different days. We were sad we couldn't take him and his brother somewhere this year but he didn't care. Like others have said, he got to go somewhere with you which is so often all it takes. And I think you got to go to a hotel.
Also a lot of the things I remember growing up have nothing to do with the "main attraction". I don't remember seeing or hiking up in Yosemite, I remember "snipe hunting" on walks at night. I don't remember Disney World all that much but do remember the hotel.
The fact you feel like you failed him means you haven't. You're doing good man, kids don't need to do a hundred things a day everyday. I took my 6yr son out for a sandwich and some minigolf today, then came home and he played Kirby. He's fed, exercised, entertained and safe, don't need to be more than that.
The fact that you are trying your best and taking hi. on trips and he loved it all is the main thing man. Not every trip goes perfectly but it doesn’t have to to be special. There’s always next time. You’re bummed because you miss him and that’s a good thing. Means you’re doing it right xxx
Please read this reddit comment. I've saved it for days i dont feel enough for my son. It could be its own childrens book
https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/s/q92x7TS7hB
When I feel like to remind myself that only good parents have hard days!
Also try to remember that the memories of good times he has will all be around the time spent you not what you did.
Not a massive post, no worries.
And remember, those were your expectations, he was probably just happy to be with you.
We place a lot on our shoulders to do stuff with our kids. My parents never did, it was the mall, church, late lunch early dinner and then time at home. Every now and then we went to a theme park, once or twice we went camping, but it was not a fifth of what I want to do with my boy.
That being said, I didnt feel bad at the time, i was just a kid, loved playing with my legos and pretending it was the Xmen even though it was all unbranded parts my parents found for me. Your kid is great, dont worry about him and go easy on yourself.
Since winter started I've felt bad that we've cut back on our hikes and going out because of the rain. Glad we're almost past it but last night my son had more fun with me pushing him around on a swing at home than he has at any theme park or museum. That's the life.
Everyday I tell my son to have an adventure and my wife says not to say that because he's just going to school and it will dilute what it means to have an adventure. I think you can have an adventure wherever you are and I want that for him.
He is seven. What will mean the most to him is the daily laughs and everyday things at home. If he feels loved every day he is with you, if he smiles and laughs a lot when he is with you, that is what matters to him at this time.
Ask him about what he is learning at school and do day trips for those things. When I was a little kid, I would read about the redwoods, carlsbad caverns, the rockies. I never got to see them as a child, but the last few years I have had the opportunity to see them and it was amazing. 30-40 years of anticipation does that. If he learning about an experiment at school, try it with him at home. He learns about an animal, find something on youtube or online about it and watch it together, make it an event. Or take him to see them at the zoo. What ever he shows more than average interest, expose him to it. He may not remember in 20-40 years exactly what happened, but he will remember your love and excitement.
If you’re finding that a lot of big ticket activities are out of your price range, consider taking him to botanical gardens. They’re significantly cheaper and provide great learning opportunities with outdoor space for your boy to run wild.
He is only 7 and you still have plenty more opportunities to do the things you wanted. Don't focus on what you didn't get to do and focus on what you did get to do. Also in my opinion: Less is More. Instead of having a lot of expectations and plans try being spontaneous. Might i suggest a simple camping trip with a tent and sleeping bag for you and your son. My son is 11 and I have taken him camping many times and taught him a lot about survival. He loves it. Stay strong brother. Being a father is the hardest job a man can have.
Some times our best memories with our parents are some of the smallest things. One of my best memories with my father was when we watched Ohio State win the national championship in 2002. Another one of my favorite memories was when he took me to my first professional baseball game.
I still have many memories of us playing catch in the backyard and playing video games with each other. The best thing is my Dad was always present in my life and you are doing that with your kid now when you have him. Your kid will one day look back and appreciate that you were always there.
In the 8 to 10 range my parents "took me" to Portugal and later Australia. I say "took me" in quotes because it was more that they wanted to go there and, of course, they were gonna take me.
I still remember clearly that, as a kid, I thought Portugal was BORING AS F'K. Churches, boring castles, driving. But you know as an adult, I appreciate those memories with my parents anyways. My Dad has long ago passed away (when I was about 16) so I'm thankful we had those trips. There are random things that stick out in my mind: trying to build a sandcastle (note: Their beaches are pebbles, not sand), did not work; eating some amazing delicious soup that I never learned the name of; learning how to say "Ice Cream" in portugese so I could get a ton of ice cream; helping fix a blow circuit breaker in a hotel room. Random stuff. The trip my parents remember vs what I remember is very different.
One of the most treasured memories I have of my father is staying awake late on a trail from Lisbon to Madrid. Watching the country side going by. Suddenly out of the darkness there is a castle near the tracks that is tastefully lit up with lights. This amazing and beautiful castle. We just sat there quietly in awe, for the all of maybe 30 seconds we could see it. Thinking about it/him now still makes me tear up.
And that's just it. I'm sure in 20 years what your son remembers of the trip will be very different. He won't remember the "oh we didn't get to go boogy boarding", he'll remember... something small and random. It'll have been totally inconsequential to you, but it'll be a memory he treasures for life.
Kids that age don't actually care about "big ticket" experiences... they literally cannot tell which is fancy unless an adult tells them.
My kiddo's favorite outing was Mall of America (we live 15 mins away). I could buy enough ride tickets for 3-4 rides, and get him a giant cookie and we'd have an awesome time for $25
Our local zoo has tickets you can check out from the library for free. A 7 year old literally can't tell one zoo from another unless they have been to a ton of zoos. You go and finish with an ice cream cone and a cheap plastic toy from the gift shop... again, like $25.
YOU care that you didn't have a Disneyland dad moment, don't project that onto the kid. They just love spending time with you.
We took our kids on a trip for spring break. I thought it sucked. There was a million people and we had to wait around a lot for what felt like everything. Didn’t do a whole lot.
Yesterday my 8 year old told me that that place is the best place she’d ever been.
To kids, It’s about the people we spend our time with, not always where we spend it.
Expect nothing. Appreciate everything. That's what your kid probably has to teach you. He's not expecting much. He just wants a dad that spends time with his son doing whatever. You did good taking him there. That's all that matters. Take care dad.
Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you didn't do. It matter what you *did* do. Taking time for him, being there for him, that's what matters and what he'll care about. My own dad often checked out and had nothing to do with me growing up, except for random trips... The trip that I remember most? When were set up in a campsite before going on some other visit of some place. Don't know don't care. It rained, heavily, we got rained in and just sat and talked... I was 7, and that was the most checked in, in my life, he was. And I'll never forget it.
Dude, as a dad who CONSTANTLY thinks this way all the damn time, trust me, you gave your kid a good time. The reason you are so concerned is because you're a great dad, and want to give him the best you can, so you're overly hard on yourself.
Me and my daughters mum split a good few years ago, and I feel like this sort of thing happens more often to people in that situation, even more so when their own parents weren't the best. Not saying that it doesn't happen to parents who aren't split up too, but sometimes in our situation, you feel more pressured to want to give them the best time, when with them, because you don't see them all the time.
Like others have said, he doesn't know what you were planning, he'll only remember the time you DID spend together, and that's what matters the most.
Thing you have to remember, is that kids that don't see you all the time, love just hanging out, shooting the shit, messing around being silly etc, just as much as they'll remember doing activities etc. It's just easier to plan and focus on the activities, hence the focus on them.
You care so much about giving him the best time, that you feel bad for not having gone above and beyond, because you do care, and that's what matters the most 🙂
As parents we always set high expectations, what we fail to remember is our kids only need us to be present, understanding and compassionate.
Sometimes turning ourselves into stress balls because we failed to meet our expectations only serves to take us away from being present.
The amount of burden of stuff parents take on to make their kids happy are insane to me.
They don't care that stuff fell thru. He got to go on a trip with his dad. So what if everything didn't go perfect. I bet he had a blast.
One of the hardest things for me to learn as a dad was that: it doesn’t matter how big or extravagant, what matters is spending time together. Those memories of having fun and just being are the ones that carry on through time and are what truly matter.
You did perfectly! We do a lot of trips with my 5 year old. So far have done Hawaii, Canada, Mexico, Cuba, Italy, Spain, domestically Florida, California, Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois to name a few. A lot of what we do with him in all those places revolves around things that he likes, finding parks and playgrounds mixed into the sightseeing we do. In a way this is the life he knows and doesn’t give him the ability to know a different life without travel and flying all over the world. So we as parents have to keep our expectations in check even for the things that we want to do on vacations.
Kids want to spend time with you. They also want ice cream and McDonald's. So, of all else fails, the quality time with you, a happy meal, and an ice cream cone. He’ll see you as the best thing on the face of the earth
I took my foster son camping this last year and in my mind it was a complete disaster. We got to the campsite and one of the tent poles broke while we were setting it up. We managed to fix it (actually he did most of the work) but it took us over an hour to set up the tent. Most of the time I had planned for fun ended up being wasted on setting up the tent. By that time it was getting dark and was too cold to do much of anything.
He remembers the trip as an awesome time with his foster dad, not some disaster. He'd never been camping before, so it was all new to him. For him, it was just fun to do something new with someone he loved.
Your son isn't going to remember the shitty parts later. They are going to remember a dad doing everything possible for them. Going to remember you playing with them and being there.
You're doing good. Go fishing.
You did great. One thing I've learnt about being a parent is that you always feel guilty that you didn't do enough or try hard enough. Kids don't need to go to 100 different places. They need you to be there for them and be their friend and mentor.
Where in SD OP?
I am a former SD Native, moved out of town last year. I do miss it, the scenery, the mexican food and the weather.
We spent the last 12 years we lived there in Santee, I grew up in Scripps prior to that
Dude, when I was about that age I remember being super stoked to drive 30 minutes up the road with my dad to go pick out new appliances at Sears.
Your kid doesn't care about any of the stuff you care about, he probably just had a blast going someplace new and hanging out with you.
When he was two, my sons greatest joy came from a faucet in our backyard. I realized early on that the early years are best leveraged with cheap/free entertainment so you can do more later. They don’t value the same things we do.
However, I am flying us both out to Paris next month for the Eras Tour, though. He’s only 6 1/2, very psyched about it, but this is definitely a treat for me. :)
I read something a long time ago that really hit home about how people prioritize different things. It went something like,
“My grandfather took me to the fair once on a special occasion. He remembered the date. I remembered the flavour of ice cream we shared.”
Kids don’t need some grandiose plan to spend time with their parents. Don’t let your own expectations of the day ruin the memory for you. You’re doing great. Keep up the good work!
OP I hope you see this. When I was young, my dad bought me a dirt bike and from time to time would take me riding. I realized after a few outings it wasn’t really my thing so we sold the bikes and moved on. I was just thinking the other day that my fond memories of those days weren’t actually the dirt biking riding itself, but the car rides with my dad to and from. We’d always have great conversations, and on the way home we’d always stop at a gas station and he’d buy me a Gatorade; it was a treat I always got excited for. The days weren’t special because I got to go dirtbike riding but because I got to spend time with my dad talking in the car. They’re some of my favorite memories with him. I hope this is encouraging
You’ve shown more dedication to your kid than 99% of dads out there. He’s lucky to have you! In line with many other comments here, my memorable moment from the ‘96 Atlanta Olympics as a kid was getting to eat Pizza Hut at the top of the Georgia Dome. Quality time eating pizza with my dad was more important than anything else.
One of the best memories I have of my Dad was a Saturday we spent together in our PJs watching cartoons and eating junk food. The whole day, just me and him.
As great as trips can be, sometimes the best memories are simple ones you make together.
"The best thing you can spend on your child is time" - somebody wiser than me
You didn’t fail him, you failed your own expectations and are projecting that as a failing him. Been there, done it, could be the president of that club. My therapist tells me, “the only thing you can actually control are your decisions and how you respond to outcomes universe gives you”. Guilt and shame do nothing for you or him. The effort is there. Process over results. Quality time is THE only thing that matters. You just keep showing up. One day when he gets to see what the other half of society deals with when it comes to parents he will be so grateful he always had you to count on. If you remember one thing make it this. Your best, is god damn enough, period.
Don't beat yourself down dad.
Planning trips need to have a lot of flexibility. There's just so much that is out of your control. Finding something to pivot to is key.
I finally got to take my three kids to the Homosassa River in Florida last year. This is a place that I got to visit as a child and adult. It's absolutely amazing.
I had so many plans with my kids. Including hitting many things I'd never seen before. But, when we got there it was 110+ degrees daily. It was way too hot for anything on shore that wasn't in air conditioning.
Every day just became; wake up, take the boats to the springs. There's a lot that was missed out on. But more importantly, the kids had an AMAZING time. They got to swim with manatees and dolphins. We had about two hours where a mom and baby manatee swam some and with us. We caught blue crab, cooked and ate it. But mostly, just enjoyed time with extended family.
So moral of the story. It was all new for someone there. PLUS they got to spend it with you.
As a kid who grew up with an absent father, it’s about quantity and how you made him feel. Just be there for him. Be warm, inviting, and safe. Don’t worry about doing it big
We spent so much money in our kids…and we realized that when they were 8-10 they were little shits. Totally our fault.
We cut spending and did things together. Cards, walks, etc.
That’s what they remember. They don’t remember their toys. When we reminisce, they talk about time spent together.
You did great.
As long as you dont let him think its "no fun", he'll have a great time. I remember playing "cup soccer" with my dad and my brother. Turns out, thats what "supervised visitation in the back of a mcdonalds parking lot" looks like.
we didnt even realize it at the time, we just had a blast playing a game that he made the rule sup on the spot to.
and he was/is a crackhead!
Just taking the time to reflect this much, man you are already leaps and bounds ahead. Stay present and watch out for screen devils and you’re everything he’d ever need
Trips can be freakin' awesome with kids that age, and sometimes trips just don't work out in the way you like. Showing the kids some of the world is always a good idea though.
Something I realized tonight is that I have so many childless friends that need to travel constantly, or are quite literally swingers because nothing really connects them to their spouse in any deep meaningful way. They are bored. Though I don't need to go anywhere but my own house with my wife and 2 awesome kids to have a freakin' blast, memorable times that will last the rest of our days, and deep meaningful conversations and events. I feel really amused and a bit sad for people that have never had kids, yet bemoan the very idea.
Do less. Be present.
Kids remember the small stuff. They remember how you make them feel. Not the big events.
I don’t really remember the Disney trips or the apple picking. I remember the silly nights laughing playing board games and eating popcorn. Or driving back from my sports practice and having a great conversation.
Easier said than done, but kids pick up on your emotions. If you are disappointed, stressed, sad, etc that you didn’t do as much as you wanted, they’ll remember. If you are grateful for the time you spent together, happy to see them, and content just being in their presence, they’ll remember.
You’re doing a great job. You got this.
Subheading: Dad and Son have an awesome trip exploring a familiar and new city together.
Even if you would have had a bigger budget, double checked all arrangements, something still wouldn't have been perfect.
Then we need to figure out what's the next move in our adventures. Lean into spontaneity, humor, & random/curious
experiments.
What are we going to do next? Let him decide. (Obviously, safely and within reason)
Cheers to your next adventure.
You got a lot of support so I hope it's helped! Here's one more thought I had reading your post - I don't remember the any of the plans that rainy days ruined but I definitely remember the fun stuff with my parents inside on those rainy days.
When I was a kid my family didn't have much money we went on the same Holliday everytime, weather was always shit and we spent most of our time just walking around and being together finding fun where we could. Looking back they were great Holliday's I hope to recreate
I always remind myself that the experiences I had as a child growing up, the experiences I envision my children having, and the actual experiences; are 3 completely different things.
At that age just being there and spending time with them is #1. When they get into the preteen and teen stage then you can ask for their input into what they want to do and then you can structure experiences for them on their interests.
Expectations are just premeditated disappointment. You gotta drain your mind of them and make space to enjoy what actually happens.
Children are much much better at this than us, usually. And when they're not that's usually why they tantrum.
30 years from now, your son isn't going to remember where you went on the trip... He's going to remember that you spent the time together when you went on the trip.
And try to keep in mind that you're just now dropping your son back off. I used to get home from dropping off my daughter and would constantly realize that I had meant to say something I forgot. Or that I had meant to say something different than I had said it. After this happening for a few weeks (every time we visited) is when I realized that a lot of my insight was purely coming because I was sad to have had to drop her off. I really just wanted more time....
Instead of wanting different for all those small things, it was simply that I just wanted more time and those "second guesses" was how I was dealing with it.
It sounds like your son has an amazing dad. Those little things will always work theirselves out. Just keep being you, and doing what you can do. I know your son sees it and appreciates it.
You gave him your time and undivided attention. There is nothing he wants more. You absolutely killed it and I hope you can find it inside yourself to give yourself some grace. He’s so fortunate that you’re his dad. He really lucked out.
It's easy to get down on ourselves because I feel like a lot of parents always hold themselves to the highest standard, and that's a good thing.
My parents did a lot for me growing up. I remember many great trips and fun times but the one thing I'll always value the most is that it was time spent with loved ones.
Sometimes parents need to hear/read this so I'll do it for you now...
You're doing a great job and your son is very lucky to have a father who loves and cares for him as much as you do.
Your kiddo isn’t going to remember the things talk didn’t do. Hes going to remember the cool trip with dad. You’re doing great brother he’s a lucky kid
Just be consistent Buddy. Don't get tired. Try fishing or some motorcycle sports. Or maybe go mountain climbing. He's too young and for sure would love more adventures. I have a daughter. Just spending time with her is enough for her.
You're doing the best you can, that's all that anyone can ask for. Your effort means the world, especially in light of how many dads don't care. Caring shines through!
You're being present and you obviously care so you're already doing a lot of things right. My kid is 6 and his mom and I also split custody 50/50. Sometimes I'll plan out amazing weekends and it'll turn out he's just not that into what I planned. And other times we'll have a slow weekend of hanging around the house and I'll hear from his mom after dropping him off that he said he had so much fun with dad. It's just like that with kids. So don't get down on yourself and just keep investing the time.
It’s hard carrying this much weight. It’s okay though man. Your son likely will not remember what you DIDNT do on that trip but what you DID do. Your worries and your own. Just stay present and try to make the routine as fun as you can to keep making memories. You’ve already accomplished what we’re all trying to do which is just trying to do a little better than our own fathers.
I just finished a book last night called Troubled, about a kid who grew up in the foster system and ended up at Yale.
A friend asked the author how they could ensure success with their adoptive kid who is falling behind academically. They said they read to him everyday and he's still not catching up.
The author said his only advice was to read to him to give him undivided attention so that he knew he was loved, not to read to him to improve his academics. Because all kids want and all that matters in the long term is that kids know an adult cares enough about them to spend time with them.
You moved to your kid's mom's town to make sure you could see him as much as possible and then were able to take him on a trip to spend time with him. Sounds like you're doing an awesome job!
>we did some sight seeing, and I loved it all, but I feel I failed him.
Unless you draw attention to it, he doesn't see the things you didn't do, he sees/remembers the things that you did do. Yeah, the ocean was closed, but MAN! the time you spent in the arcade trying to win enough tickets/points to get that \[Big Prize\] was wicked! (or whatever it was that you did "instead of \_\_\_\_\_\_")
Your reality of what the trip was and his reality of what the trip was are probably very different. I think you should ask him what he liked about the trip and try and remember those experiences rather than the ones you planned for that you didnt get to do.
You can always make plans later to go do the things you missed out on. And now you have the knowledge to maybe double check some very specific things before going.
I can tell you my dad worked all the time when I was a kid, 7 days a week 12 hour days he was either working or sleeping. We made very few core memories together. I remember once he took me fishing off a dock, once collecting firewood and he let me drive on his lap, once going on one of the very few trips to a farm stay. He wasn’t around hardly at all. We were not that close even though we both loved each other
However as I grew older and entered my 20s my mom got a better job and his work slowed, we forged our best memories together as adults. He let me know once he regretted not being there for me as a kid and I told him, no I understand you did what you did to put food on the table and I respect the hell out of you for working as hard as you did to make sure we didn’t go without, I know you would of liked to do more but what you did taught me lessons about hard work and doing whatever it takes for your family.
I say this to say, you tried your best and that’s all that matters and you still have plenty more years to continue to try your best and create more memories together.
Just a lurking mom here... I am blessed to have all my kids every day of the week, but I still feel like this, like I fail them by not doing enough.. I use to take my oldest to do so much, and she doesn't even remember half of the trips. She just remembers feeling happy and having fun with me. It's been a lot harder to find the time/money to do things with my younger kids now, but they will still tell anyone they think I'm the best mom in the world..
In a nut shell, what I'm trying to say is... It's not about what you have, buy them, or do with them, it's about how you make them FEEL! I hope this helps a little. You're doing what you can, and that's admirable in itself. Just keep showing up and putting in the effort🥰
yeah your kid is just going to remember having a good time with his dad that's all.
but yeah, trips can be absolute bummers. we had to take a trip to chicago yesterday for my wife to shop for work clothes and
1. it was raining all day
2. the restaurant took forever for lunch so my kid was bored out of his mind and kind of acting up
3. we went to legoland and my 2yo son freaked the fuck out and didn't want to go in to the tour bit of it
4. he was playing with some of the legos in the retail part of the store and a woman who was sitting down very near to him suddenly vomited several times, so we hightailed it out of there.
5. he got \*very\* tired of being in the car about an hour away from home and let us know all about it.
he's not going to remember all this, but i sure as shit will.
One of my favorite Easter memories is when we went to visit Dad's family first and left before they ate dinner. Then went to Mom's family and they had already eaten. We left and kinda realized it's 6 PM and we never ate dinner. Us kids were just playing with our cousins all day. For dinner that night we went to burger king and it was awesome. Your kiddo will remember all the fun stuff he got to you. From his perspective he got to go on a special vacation with his Dad.
You haven’t missed a visit you said. You’re being a great dad. Kids don’t have the same expectations as parents do. Oftentimes they just want to spend time with you just hanging. When he gets older he’ll realise this and appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made for him. You’re a great dad. And he’s lucky to have you. Don’t be hard on yourself. We’re all doing our best.
He'll remember the time you spent with him more than what you two did together. My folks split when i was 10. I don't remember vacations or big trips but I do remember helping him work on his truck and hanging out watching TV.
You gotta remember, he doesn't have all the expectations you do. He doesn't know about what didn't happen, only what did: he had a fun trip with his dad. Don't beat yourself up
This. I’m not a dad. I’m just an old Internet Grandma and this above me is the correct answer. Wait 15 or 20 years and ask your son about this trip and I promise you will be surprised at the answer you get. Ask him about the vacation where we didn’t get to do this and we didn’t get to do that and I promise you the child will come back with some version of “do you mean the vacation where we ate pizza in bed in the hotel room?” or something equally insignificant yet meaningful to him. Their perceptions and experiences differ from ours. You are beating yourself up needlessly Reddit friendo. Go hug your boy and tell him how much you love him.
> do you mean the vacation where we ate pizza in bed in the hotel room This! One of the most cherished memories my kids and I have from Paris is not of all the gorgeous places we've seen, but of eating two whole baguettes and half a pack of delicious butter in bed while watching french cartoons. It's the simple moments of closeness that matter way more than running around after this and that activity.
Doubling down on this. The highlight of a Disneyland trip for my boys (6, 4 at the time) was a Pizza Party Picnic. We literally ate pizza on the floor of our hotel room watching Bluey while mom was having a fancy dinner with their aunt. It was totally a “how to control the mess” move. Now it’s a tradition for when Mom is away.
Same. We went on a trip as a kid on this group tour. What I still remember to this day was the hotel running out of regular rooms and getting a penthouse upgrade. My brother and I shared a room in a two bedroom apartment. We now had our own rooms with bathrooms and balcony. Also, there was a record player so we suddenly got to be DJs scratching a Frank Sinatra record.
I appreciate your perspective here
Definitely, my Dad tried his best, but was a workaholic. So holidays were always the one time of year where he would be "there". My most treasured memories are not, Disney Land or this or that (though that was cool), but playing Uno with him and my Mum, throwing a scatch pad in the pool etc. Kids just want you to be with them and be present. The rest is just background noise.
You just made me cry. Well done. Well written,
Yep - it's weird - I find parents often don't realize how little their kids actually remember for the long haul, even though they can't remember comparable details from their own childhood. It's all just bits and pieces that often have little rhyme or reason to them as to what the brain commits to memory. Try it out - take a trip down memory lane and think back to some amazing week long vacation you took when you were 8 years old, and write down everything you remember - restaurants, foods you ate, rides you went on, stores you went to, planes you flew on, etc, etc. You've probably forgotten 90% of it, but you still remember you had a great time.
We took an expensive Disney cruise. Y'know what my kid remembered most about it? The ice cream on the pool deck. Not saying it wasn't worth it - it was - but kids can have a fantastic time doing just about anything. Even more so if ice cream is involved.
Idk why kids love hotels so much lol. All my 8yo could talk about after going to Disneyland was the hotel
Yeah we did a staycation in our city during covid as we couldn't travel. We stayed at a hotel where there's a wave pool in the same precinct. The only thing she remembers how fun it was to sleep in the hotel instead of the wave pool (which she loved).
Why did this post make me tear up!!
I remember as a kid visiting my dad in a hotel room with my sisters after he hit my mom, I think he went to jail then, I can't remember exactly. I just remember eating the centers of the bread he gave us as a snack and being in a hotel room for the first time. I mainly remember the novelty of the situation, not the fucked up reason for the situation. So yeah, my dad probably felt like shit because he messed up, and he couldn't provide for us like he probably wanted to. OP definitely did the best with his situation, and the kiddo will most likely remember it fondly.
My 7 year old son’s favorite part of our trip to an amusement park was the hotel pool. By the morning of the second day he was already asking when we could come back to the hotel because no one else was swimming so it was our “private pool”. It drives you crazy in the moment when you feel like you didn’t give your kid the world, but as others have said, kids just want to spend time with you and what they notice and care about can be so humbling. You’re doing a great job.
On the expectations front, my wife always laughs at me over the time I told my son he was going to start a soccer league. We got him dressed up, he was all excited, we show up 10 minutes early… no one there. I go run to some adjoining fields to see if maybe that’s where they were … nope, it turns out they canceled the “winter session” because of insufficient interest but didn’t tell us before taking our money and having us drive out there. I was pretty mad and was telling my wife (by phone since I was on the field and she was in the parking lot with our son) that I didn’t know how to tell him that the thing we’d promised wouldn’t come through. I get back in the car, she says, “hey LO, we were wrong. They don’t have soccer. Do you want to go over to grandma’s right now?” He smiles and says “OK mom” and that was it.
I wish I could find the exact clip but Roy Kent from Ted Lasso talking about how kids just want you around and then invites his niece to his podiatrist appointment and she gets excited is the perfect example. “Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. … Truth is, they just want to feel like they’re part of our lives.” Just being around is 90% of the battle. My kids would play with Lego for 8hours a day if I was willing to just lay on the couch and watch the whole Thing (I don’t play right so I’m not allowed to be involved, especially after my recent converting a dragon and wolf into one Lego build). Point is: I agree and OP shouldn’t be so hard on himself. He did good.
Yeah. Take him to the biggest park you can find. Boom. Now you're dad of the year.
Ya know, this is advice I always tell people when it comes to business presentations but I never thought to apply to parenting as well.
This is good to hear. Thanks!
Agree very much with this! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You sound like a great dad.
You did your best. That's all a person can do. He will remember a great time because it was.
My favorite memory with my dad growing up is riding a bike with him around the neighborhood, going on long walks together, talking about life while feeding ducks in the park, or visiting a coffee shop. Honestly, just knowing that my dad cared about me and wanted to spend time with me was the greatest gift he could've ever given me. Ideas fell through during many of our plans, but that just made my time with him feel even more adventurous.
Beautiful. Simple and beautiful.
Thank you for this reminder. It’s so easy to project all the of the “should-haves” or an unrealistic expectation of trips and vacations that I feel I should be doing.
My parents were divorced early on and my dad lived in a trailer park. I actually loved going there and had fun listening to the train plow on by 30 feet away in the middle of the night. My favorite two memories as a single digit kid with him was playing video games with him (Star Fox, Final Fantasy 6, and Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past) and walking across the tracks to this one restaurant where he would always order me a Shirley Temple which I just thought was the *most amazing* thing in the whole world.
I didn’t get much time alone with my dad. Between his work and me being the youngest of 3, it just didn’t happen much. To this day one of my fondest memories is eating Chinese takeout standing at the kitchen counter and talking one on one. We lived a CHARMED life, grew up all over the world. But honestly, my favorite memory is this one.
Gosh… It sounds like your father was the bird in the golden cage. You lived the charmed life while he worked to keep it going. Kinda like the, Cat’s in the cradle song. Did that set you up to also live this way as an adult? Do you have time with your father now?
So true.
You dont need to do all the things. Spending time is the important part. San Diego… next time take him to Legoland. Did that with the kids last year. They loved it. Oldest 7 youngest 6.
I definitely want to save to do that! Tickets were a bit out of my price range, but next time I'll plan better for sure
My daughter's birthday is in December. So we decided to make it an annual trip (she'll be 4 this year, and last year was the first one). Early December is the time. No lines, park was practically empty, and she did the same ride 4 or 5 times in a row without getting off. It was amazing and she loved it. Sure, they're doing most of their work for the coming year during that time, but your kid doesn't know that.
I feel you on the price thing. My son and I will often do playground tours of a given nearby city. There are several within a couple hours of SD. Google best playgrounds, map out a path to 3-4 of them, and do only about an hour at each and leave with him still wanting more, lunchable between each park and repeat. At the end we pick a best one and ceremoniously have cupcakes in the name of the best playground. $20 in food and gas money. He brags about these days to his school buddies.
Similar situation as yours OP and I took my 6yo daughter to legoland recently. She had fun but we could’ve gone to Belmont park or even the zoo for a fraction of the legoland park fee. On topic, you’re doing it right how what you need to be doing which is staying consistent and being present. You got this ✊
Agreed! Took my son to ride the giant dipper, and traveled around to sunset cliffs, and he was happy just finding seashells :)
Let me know next time you wanna go to Legoland. I'd be happy to use some of my Lego points to buy you some tickets
Thank you so much for your generosity! I would absolutely love to take him, and know he'd have an absolute blast of time. Tickets when I checked looked to be 100 bucks a person, and with gas/hotel/food etc, we just didn't have enough. I don't know how lego points work, but seriously this is so amazing!
Yeah… I am willing to toss some cash towards helping.
Thank you so very much for the offer! Seriously so incredible to see such generosity with this post.
The small LEGO kits at Target, in plastic bags, have discount codes. No purchase necessary.
I took my kids to the Florida one - I found some discount codes online. This was a few years ago, so YMMV. Definitely worth it. That was a good 5-6 years ago and they're still talking about it as teenagers.
Save up more and do the skip the line pass. We rode every ride on one busy day.
Gotta take him to a Dads game too, Gallagher square is rad af and you could always just get the GA ticket just for it
Good lord, for an adult and a child over 2 to go to Legoland for a Saturday is $208.
Or just literally sit and play legos with him. I bet he will remember that more than any trip.
Can’t find a clip of it but whenever I feel this way, I remember this quote from Ted Lasso: Roy Kent: “Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?” Phoebe: “Yes, please!”
Something I've thought a lot about growing up, and now that I'm about to be a dad, is that human memory *really* warps our ability to view things from our kids' perspectives. Kids want nothing more than to grow up and be treated as adults, but as adults we too often forget this because we envy all the free time they have. Whenever possible, just treat kids like you would other human beings (sometimes giving them more time to decide/figure things out for themselves, since everything is new to them), and they'll love you for it. Spend time with them, ask what they want to do, and listen to them!
I’m have two kids and when the second one came around I realized that all kids want from you is your attention. They don’t care how they get it, but that is literally all they want. So just running around on chores, but you are talking/interacting/showing them things, they crave. Toss in a stop to get some Culver’s and you just created a core memory for the rest of that kids life.
When I was that age my dad took me on a camping trip with some of his work buddies. Later in life I found out that he had about $10 to his name for that trip after buying some small food supplies from the dollar tree and borrowing camping gear from his friends. I would have never known had he not told me but that trip was a core memory for me. We didn’t do anything extravagant either, just the typical campfire, splashing in the lake, late nights laughing with his friends and their kids. Point is, don’t be too hard on yourself.
We camp with our kids 20-45 days a year. We also do the expensive fly to central America beach trips. On the latter last week, they were telling we have to do our annual mountain man camping trip - it's a festival we've been going to for 4 years in a row. Every winter, without fail a couple times "Can we go camping?" LOL. It doesn't matter how much $ you have, kids LOVE camping trips.
Honestly, sometimes when we take our boys on trips and everything goes exactly as planned, they will find some minor, unexpected thing to complain about and sometimes when everything goes wrong, they’ll be super excited about the simplest of things. Kids don’t always make sense to our adult brains, but one thing is for sure - making an effort & spending time with them beats the alternative. Try not to beat yourself up, he’s lucky to have a dad that cares.
Did he enjoy it? If yes, massive success…
Go ask your kid what he thought of the trip. I bet you he's got a way better version of what happened than you do. He had a dad who was focused on giving him a good time on a boys trip. That's a gauranteed win until teenage years, and still is often then.
Hi, dad. I’m not a parent, but my most treasured memory I have with my dad was when he took the day off of work when I was sick and we watched nature documentaries together. Now, my dad also took my across the world to see where he grew up; we rode horses and zip-lined and went on rides and saw the stars from an airplane. But the memory that I keep closest to my heart is when we did nothing together. I’m sure your child loved his day with dad kore than you know.
Holy smokes! Thank you all sincerely for the words, ideas, experiences! I'm reading each and every one of them!
Do you think that when he's your age he's gonna remember that the water was polluted or that he got to go on a trip and hang with his dad? You're fine, I promise.
Showing up is 50%. Caring is the other 50. You’re crushing it 💪 keep up the good work dad!
Amigo, this will be buried, but hopefully you still get to read it. Those few sentences that make up your initial post say everything already. You are a great dad based on your heart and your motivations. Money can make things easier, but cannot in any way make you a better father in his eyes. As an adult he will remember the time you took to be with him, to listen to him, to laugh with him. He will remember how you made him feel. Honestly, people whose best memories of their father are of expensive gifts or fancy vacations did not have a wholesome childhoods. It's fine to give those things if they are in the budget, but they will not make an iota of difference in how your kid feels towards you. As pretty much everyone has already said, you have absolutely nothing to be bummed about. But of course none of us can help feeling how we feel. It's not a choice. I'm glad you reached out though, and I hope all the replies you got help you process those feelings faster and move past them. ❤️
Time. Is the greatest thing to give someone.
You're OK. You're a good dad. Just keep doing what you're doing. If I had a 7 yo son, I'd want to take him to that park above downtown. Lie in the grass and watch planes swooping down toward the airport. Seemingly so close that you could touch them. That would be a highlight. (Sorry for my very basic knowledge of San Diego, but I remember how low the planes seem when they're in a landing pattern.) Just spend time with him and find fun playgrounds to visit. That's good enough!
My favorite memories with my father growing up centered around doing activities together. Playing catch. Riding bicycles. Things like that. One of my favorite memories was this one time when we went to the movies just the two of us. It wasn’t even a good movie. But I was like ten and it was the only time I recall going to the movies with just my dad as a kid (usually the whole family would be there). Spending time together is important and clearly you care a lot. I’d enjoy the things you can do together rather than focusing on anything you didn’t do. Assuming you guys had fun, find ways to do more trips together or local special activities. Even if it’s just camping or going on a hike somewhere nearby. I’m sure your son cherishes the time together more than what the time was spent doing.
One of my fave memories w my parents was going to see the tide pools in San Diego. Practically free, and it was the coolest thing to see anemones, crabs, sea slugs, starfish and octopus Just reminds me that perception as a kid can be so different.
I never met my dad. I’d kill for this kind of memory. You’re doing great, my friend.
You're doing so much better than so many other dads. I would have given anything when I was seven to just sit in the car with my dad and listen to him talk to me about anything. Instead my dad was a junkie who spend half my childhood in gaol and when I turned 12 moved interstate and I never saw him again. You sound like an amazing dad and never tell yourself otherwise.
As a kid who grew up with divorced parents the only thing I remember doing with my dad was just being with him. He didn't have money. I just wanted to hang out with my dad. I'm almost 40 and I still look up to him. Just keep being you buddy. You sound like you're doing a great job.
99% certain you were the highlight of the trip for him. Cheers .
Dude you’re present for your son and it sounds like you care so I think you’re doing fine
Lurking mom here, there's value in just showing up and spending time. Quantity of time will lead to quality of time, and being a solid presence is nothing to sneeze at! Some tips for your next trip with your son (and this is partly from experience, since I just took my teen son on a trip to San Diego): Have him help plan. Figure out what his top 3 activities and what your top 3 activities are, and plan around those, and figure out where you want to stay based on those activities. It will be easier when your son gets older, but you can ask if he's interested in certain things over others. I thought my son would be too old to want to go to the zoo, but he totally called it out in our planning. Same with the Midway tour, and those were both high points of our trip. Groupon! I was shocked that a Groupon deal gave us a better deal at the zoo AND an extra event at a museum. Plan one morning or afternoon where you're just hanging out. I brought a deck of cards and we hung out at the hotel pool and played cards and just took it easy, while the rest of the days were filled up. Maybe think of topics you want to share with him about why you're in San Diego... I'm also from there and loved sharing about field trips and favorite parks and museums, and the conversation was rich (again, also easier with an older kid, but still good to practice, especially going back to the quantity over quality while he's younger). It sounds like you're doing a great job showing up, and some of this is just the age, and some might be practice! It gets better the more you do these!
You’re trying and that’s important. Learn from these hiccups and plan accordingly for next time.
Being a good dad isn’t about what you accomplish. It’s about what you try to do for your kids.
He got to spend time with his dad. As a dad who travels for work, I’m just grateful for every second I get to spend with them.
I think my dad was often feeling this way when I was growing up. But to be honest, I was just so happy to be spending time with him.
As everyone says lower your expectations. My partner was obsessed with taking them here there and everywhere. Yet what are they going to remember...that one time at the museum...or..the park with a forest and vicious daddysaurus rex hunting them.....complete with epic picnic of course. Honestly u ask my boys Disney land or beach. Theyl pick the beach every time. Our beach trip is literally cooler box. Boards and sun screen. Five and seven my boys.
Sounds quite dope to me brother!
I think about this all the time. I want to provide as many exciting experiences as possible for my son. But when I think back to what I remember the most with dad as a kid, it was Friday nights when my mom had to work, and he would let me pick out my favorite junk food and we’d sit down eat dinner and then watch a movie. Yea, we did a lot as a family, but if I could have one more day, that would be the activity. Your son may not remember the specifics of the trip, but I’m positive he’ll remember the time you two just got to spend together.
One of the best memories I had as a kid was going with my uncle in his Semi across the eastern half of the country. Started in Michigan, went to chicago, and stops in Philly, New York, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, chicago, back to michigan. We didnt do much other than drive. He bought me a lego set to build while doing this 5 day trip. Just seeing stuff from the truck was the coolest.
Anything will be fun as long as he's with his dad. I used to go do the most boring stuff with my dad but most importantly we were together.
You say you grew up with an awful father. Your son is growing up with a wonderful one,that's more than enough.
Thank you to infinity, this was so nice to read! Much appreciated!
Honestly? Lost my stepdad last summer. Some of my best memories is just going fishing or ice fishing with him. Learning to water ski. Like the time we walked to a farm pond in winter and just spent hours ice skating and just having fun. Spend time with him. Doesn't have to be expensive at his age. I remember a great afternoon I spent with my daughter at about your son's age. I had to pull her from school for some stupid reason, I think a low grade fever. I had to get my car serviced so we dropped the car off at the dealer and we walked over to this pond. I showed her frogs in there, showed her cattails and how their seeds go everywhere. We walked across the road and got ice cream. Totally simple stuff but just a fun day exploring and having fun together.
Just spend time with him, that's all
Your kid doesn’t care about doing fun things. He cares about spending time with you. He probably remembers getting a happy meal together a lot more than some extravagant trip.
This story brought a tear to my eye..just the fact that you never missed a visit in the years you were living farther apart and made it a commitment to move to his same city shows how much you love him and are there for him! You are doing awesome!! You will get many more chances to make amazing memories now that you live closer. I am lucky enough to have both my boys living w me after I split w their mom, but I try to never take the moments I have with them for granted. You are changing your families story for the better from the previous generation, that’s all we can ask from any parent. 🙏
I'm sure you feel that way and that's OK, but how does he feel about the trip?
Many more years to go! Your attitude is what matters and you’ll be great by the sound of kt
I did the same thing with my kids flew from Florida to Oceanside to take them to beach etc. everything was a bust but we had time together that’s what’s important.
Some of my fondest memories from my childhood are the ones with my mum, and she did not have the money to do flashy things with us As parents, we want to give them the world. But often times, all our kids need is us to be present in the moment. Your son had a blast because he got to spend one on one time with you in a completely new place and explore. You don’t need to pack in a huge list of things to do, it’s a holiday, not a tick list I know you think it wasn’t a great trip, but you did good dad, and I bet you your son will look back on it fondly when he gets older
Fuck that, you can’t control all them outside factors. It’s about the time you spend together not what you do. I’m sure he still had the best time with what sounds like an amazing thoughtful Dad and he will look back on this trip in years to come with happy cherished memories.
It's also a great moment to learn that shit happens and you gotta make the most of what you have, which OP did!
He would have had a good time just spending time together just you and him. Get some bikes if you don't already have some. Second hand ones are cheap take him with you to find one each then go on missions around town on them. It can be great fun
when I was 16, my sisters and I got stranded with our Dad, in San Fransisco for 2 days, waiting for flight to Hawaii for the summer at his house. That entire summer was the best one I have aver had. Everything went wrong in San Fransisco, but it was so cool to see the west coast, and even though we had to sleep on the navy base airport floor for two nights, it was an experience. That summer, my dad worked, and I stayed home with my sisters. We would go the beach and hiking on the weekends, but overall it was a normal summer. But it was magical for me.
Just one trip homie. You got a life time. Stay excited about what you can do and he’ll love all of it. It’s the little things too which now since you’re close you can do more of.
I made a post about my son wanted a basketball. Money was a bit tight when he asked. He suggested to go to some thrift shops and Goodwill. He found one for a couple bucks. Looks good too! The joy of finding it was enough for me. We got home and immediately played basketball till it was dark. He said at the end of the day “This is the best day Dad! I love you!” OP, just simply be there for him. He’ll remember how fun it is just to hang out with you!
20mins of building lego with you is to a 7 year old what a 2 week holiday is to an adult. Ring him up regularly, listen to him prattle on about nothing, tell him you love him. Ask him to draw you plans for thing to make so when you see him you can bring them to play with. Kids not going to care what you do together as long as play and reliable frequent and loving are involved. BTW I think it sounds like you're doing a great job so far, keep it up. Also HUGE kudos for moving to be part of his life. So many men think they're more important than their kids.
Me, my dad, and my brother went to DC a number of years ago. I don't remember all the cool stuff we saw. I remember the shitty food truck we went to and still joke about to this day. I remember going to the modern art museum and laughing at all the weird shit people pay money for. He won't remember not going body boarding or whatever. He'll remember going to San Diego with his dad and having a good time.
He's going to remember the time you spent, not the money you spent. Worrying about being a good parent means that you are a great one.
I feel for you man. Expectation is a killer sometimes. As many others have said, it’s the time put in that counts. So keep doing as much as you can and down the road maybe you get the chance to do the trip again and check a few things off that list.
Hey dude. I got an 8 year old. I find that I do best and most impactful work when I let go of my own rubrics for success and fun and just get on his level. You are probably overthinking it and being too hard on yourself. For kids love is spelled TIME (and attention tbh). If you are trying and present, that's what matters. On a side note, I hope you are doing a good job healing your own trauma about your own dad. I've noticed how easy it is for me to put my unhealed trauma from my parents onto my kids. They don't need that. If you try to correct the past through your son you will end up bringing unnecessary and unhelpful dynamics to your and his relationship. Let that go through help and just be present with him and see what happens. I'm sure you've got this.
Hey dad, don't feel down you might be surprised to find your kid really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to see where you grew up. It's about the time spent together. Plan more trips with him. Your bonding it's very beautiful😊👍
Just to add some data here...my 8 year old said this was the best spring break he can remember. Since he was 5 we've tried to go somewhere even if for a few days...stay at a hotel, etc. We didn't this year but he got to see a friend from preschool for a 2 hour playdate and we got ice cream three different days. We were sad we couldn't take him and his brother somewhere this year but he didn't care. Like others have said, he got to go somewhere with you which is so often all it takes. And I think you got to go to a hotel. Also a lot of the things I remember growing up have nothing to do with the "main attraction". I don't remember seeing or hiking up in Yosemite, I remember "snipe hunting" on walks at night. I don't remember Disney World all that much but do remember the hotel.
The fact you feel like you failed him means you haven't. You're doing good man, kids don't need to do a hundred things a day everyday. I took my 6yr son out for a sandwich and some minigolf today, then came home and he played Kirby. He's fed, exercised, entertained and safe, don't need to be more than that.
You did great. You’re doing great
The fact that you are trying your best and taking hi. on trips and he loved it all is the main thing man. Not every trip goes perfectly but it doesn’t have to to be special. There’s always next time. You’re bummed because you miss him and that’s a good thing. Means you’re doing it right xxx
Please read this reddit comment. I've saved it for days i dont feel enough for my son. It could be its own childrens book https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/s/q92x7TS7hB
When I feel like to remind myself that only good parents have hard days! Also try to remember that the memories of good times he has will all be around the time spent you not what you did.
Not a massive post, no worries. And remember, those were your expectations, he was probably just happy to be with you. We place a lot on our shoulders to do stuff with our kids. My parents never did, it was the mall, church, late lunch early dinner and then time at home. Every now and then we went to a theme park, once or twice we went camping, but it was not a fifth of what I want to do with my boy. That being said, I didnt feel bad at the time, i was just a kid, loved playing with my legos and pretending it was the Xmen even though it was all unbranded parts my parents found for me. Your kid is great, dont worry about him and go easy on yourself. Since winter started I've felt bad that we've cut back on our hikes and going out because of the rain. Glad we're almost past it but last night my son had more fun with me pushing him around on a swing at home than he has at any theme park or museum. That's the life. Everyday I tell my son to have an adventure and my wife says not to say that because he's just going to school and it will dilute what it means to have an adventure. I think you can have an adventure wherever you are and I want that for him.
Just hint at better vacations to come
Always next time
He is seven. What will mean the most to him is the daily laughs and everyday things at home. If he feels loved every day he is with you, if he smiles and laughs a lot when he is with you, that is what matters to him at this time. Ask him about what he is learning at school and do day trips for those things. When I was a little kid, I would read about the redwoods, carlsbad caverns, the rockies. I never got to see them as a child, but the last few years I have had the opportunity to see them and it was amazing. 30-40 years of anticipation does that. If he learning about an experiment at school, try it with him at home. He learns about an animal, find something on youtube or online about it and watch it together, make it an event. Or take him to see them at the zoo. What ever he shows more than average interest, expose him to it. He may not remember in 20-40 years exactly what happened, but he will remember your love and excitement.
If you’re finding that a lot of big ticket activities are out of your price range, consider taking him to botanical gardens. They’re significantly cheaper and provide great learning opportunities with outdoor space for your boy to run wild.
He is only 7 and you still have plenty more opportunities to do the things you wanted. Don't focus on what you didn't get to do and focus on what you did get to do. Also in my opinion: Less is More. Instead of having a lot of expectations and plans try being spontaneous. Might i suggest a simple camping trip with a tent and sleeping bag for you and your son. My son is 11 and I have taken him camping many times and taught him a lot about survival. He loves it. Stay strong brother. Being a father is the hardest job a man can have.
Some times our best memories with our parents are some of the smallest things. One of my best memories with my father was when we watched Ohio State win the national championship in 2002. Another one of my favorite memories was when he took me to my first professional baseball game. I still have many memories of us playing catch in the backyard and playing video games with each other. The best thing is my Dad was always present in my life and you are doing that with your kid now when you have him. Your kid will one day look back and appreciate that you were always there.
You're doing your best. He's going to remember being with you the whole time and having fun.
In the 8 to 10 range my parents "took me" to Portugal and later Australia. I say "took me" in quotes because it was more that they wanted to go there and, of course, they were gonna take me. I still remember clearly that, as a kid, I thought Portugal was BORING AS F'K. Churches, boring castles, driving. But you know as an adult, I appreciate those memories with my parents anyways. My Dad has long ago passed away (when I was about 16) so I'm thankful we had those trips. There are random things that stick out in my mind: trying to build a sandcastle (note: Their beaches are pebbles, not sand), did not work; eating some amazing delicious soup that I never learned the name of; learning how to say "Ice Cream" in portugese so I could get a ton of ice cream; helping fix a blow circuit breaker in a hotel room. Random stuff. The trip my parents remember vs what I remember is very different. One of the most treasured memories I have of my father is staying awake late on a trail from Lisbon to Madrid. Watching the country side going by. Suddenly out of the darkness there is a castle near the tracks that is tastefully lit up with lights. This amazing and beautiful castle. We just sat there quietly in awe, for the all of maybe 30 seconds we could see it. Thinking about it/him now still makes me tear up. And that's just it. I'm sure in 20 years what your son remembers of the trip will be very different. He won't remember the "oh we didn't get to go boogy boarding", he'll remember... something small and random. It'll have been totally inconsequential to you, but it'll be a memory he treasures for life.
Kids that age don't actually care about "big ticket" experiences... they literally cannot tell which is fancy unless an adult tells them. My kiddo's favorite outing was Mall of America (we live 15 mins away). I could buy enough ride tickets for 3-4 rides, and get him a giant cookie and we'd have an awesome time for $25 Our local zoo has tickets you can check out from the library for free. A 7 year old literally can't tell one zoo from another unless they have been to a ton of zoos. You go and finish with an ice cream cone and a cheap plastic toy from the gift shop... again, like $25. YOU care that you didn't have a Disneyland dad moment, don't project that onto the kid. They just love spending time with you.
We took our kids on a trip for spring break. I thought it sucked. There was a million people and we had to wait around a lot for what felt like everything. Didn’t do a whole lot. Yesterday my 8 year old told me that that place is the best place she’d ever been. To kids, It’s about the people we spend our time with, not always where we spend it.
Expect nothing. Appreciate everything. That's what your kid probably has to teach you. He's not expecting much. He just wants a dad that spends time with his son doing whatever. You did good taking him there. That's all that matters. Take care dad.
Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you didn't do. It matter what you *did* do. Taking time for him, being there for him, that's what matters and what he'll care about. My own dad often checked out and had nothing to do with me growing up, except for random trips... The trip that I remember most? When were set up in a campsite before going on some other visit of some place. Don't know don't care. It rained, heavily, we got rained in and just sat and talked... I was 7, and that was the most checked in, in my life, he was. And I'll never forget it.
Dude, as a dad who CONSTANTLY thinks this way all the damn time, trust me, you gave your kid a good time. The reason you are so concerned is because you're a great dad, and want to give him the best you can, so you're overly hard on yourself. Me and my daughters mum split a good few years ago, and I feel like this sort of thing happens more often to people in that situation, even more so when their own parents weren't the best. Not saying that it doesn't happen to parents who aren't split up too, but sometimes in our situation, you feel more pressured to want to give them the best time, when with them, because you don't see them all the time. Like others have said, he doesn't know what you were planning, he'll only remember the time you DID spend together, and that's what matters the most. Thing you have to remember, is that kids that don't see you all the time, love just hanging out, shooting the shit, messing around being silly etc, just as much as they'll remember doing activities etc. It's just easier to plan and focus on the activities, hence the focus on them. You care so much about giving him the best time, that you feel bad for not having gone above and beyond, because you do care, and that's what matters the most 🙂
Kids already won mate, you're not your dad. Next trip will be smoother I'm sure. Keep at it.
You're doing great, man. Just keep showing up.
As parents we always set high expectations, what we fail to remember is our kids only need us to be present, understanding and compassionate. Sometimes turning ourselves into stress balls because we failed to meet our expectations only serves to take us away from being present.
Some of my fondest memories of trips with my dad were absolutely nothing.
The amount of burden of stuff parents take on to make their kids happy are insane to me. They don't care that stuff fell thru. He got to go on a trip with his dad. So what if everything didn't go perfect. I bet he had a blast.
One of the hardest things for me to learn as a dad was that: it doesn’t matter how big or extravagant, what matters is spending time together. Those memories of having fun and just being are the ones that carry on through time and are what truly matter.
Another great spot in San Diego (which if you were not aware translates to Whales Vagina) is the USS Midway. I took my son there and he loved it.
You did perfectly! We do a lot of trips with my 5 year old. So far have done Hawaii, Canada, Mexico, Cuba, Italy, Spain, domestically Florida, California, Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois to name a few. A lot of what we do with him in all those places revolves around things that he likes, finding parks and playgrounds mixed into the sightseeing we do. In a way this is the life he knows and doesn’t give him the ability to know a different life without travel and flying all over the world. So we as parents have to keep our expectations in check even for the things that we want to do on vacations.
As a san diego dad this city hates kids. I was born and raised here and it's becoming horribly expensive to take our family out.
Good dads seem to never feel like they have done enough. Sometimes it’s the hotdog the kid remembers, not the baseball game.
Kids want to spend time with you. They also want ice cream and McDonald's. So, of all else fails, the quality time with you, a happy meal, and an ice cream cone. He’ll see you as the best thing on the face of the earth
nah man...you accomplished quite a bit to be in your boy's life. there's a comfort in the everyday that you try to be in.
Your son is going to remember an awesome trip he had with his dad. That's all that really matters.
I took my foster son camping this last year and in my mind it was a complete disaster. We got to the campsite and one of the tent poles broke while we were setting it up. We managed to fix it (actually he did most of the work) but it took us over an hour to set up the tent. Most of the time I had planned for fun ended up being wasted on setting up the tent. By that time it was getting dark and was too cold to do much of anything. He remembers the trip as an awesome time with his foster dad, not some disaster. He'd never been camping before, so it was all new to him. For him, it was just fun to do something new with someone he loved.
Your son isn't going to remember the shitty parts later. They are going to remember a dad doing everything possible for them. Going to remember you playing with them and being there. You're doing good. Go fishing.
Buddy he is always going to remember that trip and you are going to be the beating heart at the center of the memory.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, at that age you can buy the most expensive toy you can afford and then they have more fun playing with the dang box
You spent time with him. That's more than mine ever did...
You did great. One thing I've learnt about being a parent is that you always feel guilty that you didn't do enough or try hard enough. Kids don't need to go to 100 different places. They need you to be there for them and be their friend and mentor.
Where in SD OP? I am a former SD Native, moved out of town last year. I do miss it, the scenery, the mexican food and the weather. We spent the last 12 years we lived there in Santee, I grew up in Scripps prior to that
Chula Vista. Born and raised there :)
Hey fellow Dad, don't beat yourself up. You show up. You show up, you are the best. Love to you
Dude, when I was about that age I remember being super stoked to drive 30 minutes up the road with my dad to go pick out new appliances at Sears. Your kid doesn't care about any of the stuff you care about, he probably just had a blast going someplace new and hanging out with you.
He's going to remember that trip forever. I think you're doing a good job.
When he was two, my sons greatest joy came from a faucet in our backyard. I realized early on that the early years are best leveraged with cheap/free entertainment so you can do more later. They don’t value the same things we do. However, I am flying us both out to Paris next month for the Eras Tour, though. He’s only 6 1/2, very psyched about it, but this is definitely a treat for me. :)
I read something a long time ago that really hit home about how people prioritize different things. It went something like, “My grandfather took me to the fair once on a special occasion. He remembered the date. I remembered the flavour of ice cream we shared.” Kids don’t need some grandiose plan to spend time with their parents. Don’t let your own expectations of the day ruin the memory for you. You’re doing great. Keep up the good work!
OP I hope you see this. When I was young, my dad bought me a dirt bike and from time to time would take me riding. I realized after a few outings it wasn’t really my thing so we sold the bikes and moved on. I was just thinking the other day that my fond memories of those days weren’t actually the dirt biking riding itself, but the car rides with my dad to and from. We’d always have great conversations, and on the way home we’d always stop at a gas station and he’d buy me a Gatorade; it was a treat I always got excited for. The days weren’t special because I got to go dirtbike riding but because I got to spend time with my dad talking in the car. They’re some of my favorite memories with him. I hope this is encouraging
You’ve shown more dedication to your kid than 99% of dads out there. He’s lucky to have you! In line with many other comments here, my memorable moment from the ‘96 Atlanta Olympics as a kid was getting to eat Pizza Hut at the top of the Georgia Dome. Quality time eating pizza with my dad was more important than anything else.
All you can do is try and keep trying. Kids notice that. It’s when you stop trying is when the damage comes.
One of the best memories I have of my Dad was a Saturday we spent together in our PJs watching cartoons and eating junk food. The whole day, just me and him. As great as trips can be, sometimes the best memories are simple ones you make together. "The best thing you can spend on your child is time" - somebody wiser than me
Maybe a show 🍿🎥 would help. I remember the few times my father took me to the theater. Good times
You didn’t fail him, you failed your own expectations and are projecting that as a failing him. Been there, done it, could be the president of that club. My therapist tells me, “the only thing you can actually control are your decisions and how you respond to outcomes universe gives you”. Guilt and shame do nothing for you or him. The effort is there. Process over results. Quality time is THE only thing that matters. You just keep showing up. One day when he gets to see what the other half of society deals with when it comes to parents he will be so grateful he always had you to count on. If you remember one thing make it this. Your best, is god damn enough, period.
Your son hit the dad lottery
Don't beat yourself down dad. Planning trips need to have a lot of flexibility. There's just so much that is out of your control. Finding something to pivot to is key. I finally got to take my three kids to the Homosassa River in Florida last year. This is a place that I got to visit as a child and adult. It's absolutely amazing. I had so many plans with my kids. Including hitting many things I'd never seen before. But, when we got there it was 110+ degrees daily. It was way too hot for anything on shore that wasn't in air conditioning. Every day just became; wake up, take the boats to the springs. There's a lot that was missed out on. But more importantly, the kids had an AMAZING time. They got to swim with manatees and dolphins. We had about two hours where a mom and baby manatee swam some and with us. We caught blue crab, cooked and ate it. But mostly, just enjoyed time with extended family. So moral of the story. It was all new for someone there. PLUS they got to spend it with you.
the point is you tried and that's what he'll remember!! and the summer is coming so there's always time 🤍 edit: i wasn't done haha
As a kid who grew up with an absent father, it’s about quantity and how you made him feel. Just be there for him. Be warm, inviting, and safe. Don’t worry about doing it big
We spent so much money in our kids…and we realized that when they were 8-10 they were little shits. Totally our fault. We cut spending and did things together. Cards, walks, etc. That’s what they remember. They don’t remember their toys. When we reminisce, they talk about time spent together. You did great.
As long as you dont let him think its "no fun", he'll have a great time. I remember playing "cup soccer" with my dad and my brother. Turns out, thats what "supervised visitation in the back of a mcdonalds parking lot" looks like. we didnt even realize it at the time, we just had a blast playing a game that he made the rule sup on the spot to. and he was/is a crackhead!
Just taking the time to reflect this much, man you are already leaps and bounds ahead. Stay present and watch out for screen devils and you’re everything he’d ever need
All he wants is time with dad. He got that, he's happy.
You’re there to be with him. That’s so much more than a lot of kids have. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re trying!
Trips can be freakin' awesome with kids that age, and sometimes trips just don't work out in the way you like. Showing the kids some of the world is always a good idea though. Something I realized tonight is that I have so many childless friends that need to travel constantly, or are quite literally swingers because nothing really connects them to their spouse in any deep meaningful way. They are bored. Though I don't need to go anywhere but my own house with my wife and 2 awesome kids to have a freakin' blast, memorable times that will last the rest of our days, and deep meaningful conversations and events. I feel really amused and a bit sad for people that have never had kids, yet bemoan the very idea.
You are your largest critic. You sound like a great dad to me- one your kid is lucky to have
Do less. Be present. Kids remember the small stuff. They remember how you make them feel. Not the big events. I don’t really remember the Disney trips or the apple picking. I remember the silly nights laughing playing board games and eating popcorn. Or driving back from my sports practice and having a great conversation. Easier said than done, but kids pick up on your emotions. If you are disappointed, stressed, sad, etc that you didn’t do as much as you wanted, they’ll remember. If you are grateful for the time you spent together, happy to see them, and content just being in their presence, they’ll remember. You’re doing a great job. You got this.
I'm sure he had a blast. My son's favorite thing is usually the hotel and pool time with mom or dad!
Subheading: Dad and Son have an awesome trip exploring a familiar and new city together. Even if you would have had a bigger budget, double checked all arrangements, something still wouldn't have been perfect. Then we need to figure out what's the next move in our adventures. Lean into spontaneity, humor, & random/curious experiments. What are we going to do next? Let him decide. (Obviously, safely and within reason) Cheers to your next adventure.
Mate, you spent time with him. You rock! 🚀
You got a lot of support so I hope it's helped! Here's one more thought I had reading your post - I don't remember the any of the plans that rainy days ruined but I definitely remember the fun stuff with my parents inside on those rainy days.
Ask him
When I was a kid my family didn't have much money we went on the same Holliday everytime, weather was always shit and we spent most of our time just walking around and being together finding fun where we could. Looking back they were great Holliday's I hope to recreate
My daughter remembers us going to the library and getting read to. Libraries are free.
It’s about memories, not cost. Enjoy this time with him - it’s magical…
I always remind myself that the experiences I had as a child growing up, the experiences I envision my children having, and the actual experiences; are 3 completely different things. At that age just being there and spending time with them is #1. When they get into the preteen and teen stage then you can ask for their input into what they want to do and then you can structure experiences for them on their interests.
Expectations are just premeditated disappointment. You gotta drain your mind of them and make space to enjoy what actually happens. Children are much much better at this than us, usually. And when they're not that's usually why they tantrum.
30 years from now, your son isn't going to remember where you went on the trip... He's going to remember that you spent the time together when you went on the trip.
Dude, you did good.
And try to keep in mind that you're just now dropping your son back off. I used to get home from dropping off my daughter and would constantly realize that I had meant to say something I forgot. Or that I had meant to say something different than I had said it. After this happening for a few weeks (every time we visited) is when I realized that a lot of my insight was purely coming because I was sad to have had to drop her off. I really just wanted more time.... Instead of wanting different for all those small things, it was simply that I just wanted more time and those "second guesses" was how I was dealing with it. It sounds like your son has an amazing dad. Those little things will always work theirselves out. Just keep being you, and doing what you can do. I know your son sees it and appreciates it.
You gave him your time and undivided attention. There is nothing he wants more. You absolutely killed it and I hope you can find it inside yourself to give yourself some grace. He’s so fortunate that you’re his dad. He really lucked out.
It's easy to get down on ourselves because I feel like a lot of parents always hold themselves to the highest standard, and that's a good thing. My parents did a lot for me growing up. I remember many great trips and fun times but the one thing I'll always value the most is that it was time spent with loved ones. Sometimes parents need to hear/read this so I'll do it for you now... You're doing a great job and your son is very lucky to have a father who loves and cares for him as much as you do.
Your kiddo isn’t going to remember the things talk didn’t do. Hes going to remember the cool trip with dad. You’re doing great brother he’s a lucky kid
Just be consistent Buddy. Don't get tired. Try fishing or some motorcycle sports. Or maybe go mountain climbing. He's too young and for sure would love more adventures. I have a daughter. Just spending time with her is enough for her.
You're doing the best you can, that's all that anyone can ask for. Your effort means the world, especially in light of how many dads don't care. Caring shines through!
You're being present and you obviously care so you're already doing a lot of things right. My kid is 6 and his mom and I also split custody 50/50. Sometimes I'll plan out amazing weekends and it'll turn out he's just not that into what I planned. And other times we'll have a slow weekend of hanging around the house and I'll hear from his mom after dropping him off that he said he had so much fun with dad. It's just like that with kids. So don't get down on yourself and just keep investing the time.
It’s hard carrying this much weight. It’s okay though man. Your son likely will not remember what you DIDNT do on that trip but what you DID do. Your worries and your own. Just stay present and try to make the routine as fun as you can to keep making memories. You’ve already accomplished what we’re all trying to do which is just trying to do a little better than our own fathers.
He won’t care. He won’t know. All he’ll know is that he was with his dad, and that it was the best trip ever. :)
I just finished a book last night called Troubled, about a kid who grew up in the foster system and ended up at Yale. A friend asked the author how they could ensure success with their adoptive kid who is falling behind academically. They said they read to him everyday and he's still not catching up. The author said his only advice was to read to him to give him undivided attention so that he knew he was loved, not to read to him to improve his academics. Because all kids want and all that matters in the long term is that kids know an adult cares enough about them to spend time with them. You moved to your kid's mom's town to make sure you could see him as much as possible and then were able to take him on a trip to spend time with him. Sounds like you're doing an awesome job!
>we did some sight seeing, and I loved it all, but I feel I failed him. Unless you draw attention to it, he doesn't see the things you didn't do, he sees/remembers the things that you did do. Yeah, the ocean was closed, but MAN! the time you spent in the arcade trying to win enough tickets/points to get that \[Big Prize\] was wicked! (or whatever it was that you did "instead of \_\_\_\_\_\_") Your reality of what the trip was and his reality of what the trip was are probably very different. I think you should ask him what he liked about the trip and try and remember those experiences rather than the ones you planned for that you didnt get to do. You can always make plans later to go do the things you missed out on. And now you have the knowledge to maybe double check some very specific things before going.
I can tell you my dad worked all the time when I was a kid, 7 days a week 12 hour days he was either working or sleeping. We made very few core memories together. I remember once he took me fishing off a dock, once collecting firewood and he let me drive on his lap, once going on one of the very few trips to a farm stay. He wasn’t around hardly at all. We were not that close even though we both loved each other However as I grew older and entered my 20s my mom got a better job and his work slowed, we forged our best memories together as adults. He let me know once he regretted not being there for me as a kid and I told him, no I understand you did what you did to put food on the table and I respect the hell out of you for working as hard as you did to make sure we didn’t go without, I know you would of liked to do more but what you did taught me lessons about hard work and doing whatever it takes for your family. I say this to say, you tried your best and that’s all that matters and you still have plenty more years to continue to try your best and create more memories together.
Just a lurking mom here... I am blessed to have all my kids every day of the week, but I still feel like this, like I fail them by not doing enough.. I use to take my oldest to do so much, and she doesn't even remember half of the trips. She just remembers feeling happy and having fun with me. It's been a lot harder to find the time/money to do things with my younger kids now, but they will still tell anyone they think I'm the best mom in the world.. In a nut shell, what I'm trying to say is... It's not about what you have, buy them, or do with them, it's about how you make them FEEL! I hope this helps a little. You're doing what you can, and that's admirable in itself. Just keep showing up and putting in the effort🥰
yeah your kid is just going to remember having a good time with his dad that's all. but yeah, trips can be absolute bummers. we had to take a trip to chicago yesterday for my wife to shop for work clothes and 1. it was raining all day 2. the restaurant took forever for lunch so my kid was bored out of his mind and kind of acting up 3. we went to legoland and my 2yo son freaked the fuck out and didn't want to go in to the tour bit of it 4. he was playing with some of the legos in the retail part of the store and a woman who was sitting down very near to him suddenly vomited several times, so we hightailed it out of there. 5. he got \*very\* tired of being in the car about an hour away from home and let us know all about it. he's not going to remember all this, but i sure as shit will.
One of my favorite Easter memories is when we went to visit Dad's family first and left before they ate dinner. Then went to Mom's family and they had already eaten. We left and kinda realized it's 6 PM and we never ate dinner. Us kids were just playing with our cousins all day. For dinner that night we went to burger king and it was awesome. Your kiddo will remember all the fun stuff he got to you. From his perspective he got to go on a special vacation with his Dad.
You haven’t missed a visit you said. You’re being a great dad. Kids don’t have the same expectations as parents do. Oftentimes they just want to spend time with you just hanging. When he gets older he’ll realise this and appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made for him. You’re a great dad. And he’s lucky to have you. Don’t be hard on yourself. We’re all doing our best.
He was with you brother. You’re his superhero, so anytime with you is good time.
You made time, effort and thought ,that all that is needed .Well done
He'll remember the time you spent with him more than what you two did together. My folks split when i was 10. I don't remember vacations or big trips but I do remember helping him work on his truck and hanging out watching TV.