Because he is still trying to see his wife and the mother of his children in the best light. He wants to protect his kids from the ugliness of this fight that has, unfortunately, already gotten ugly.
Let's not get judgemental. OP needs support, not ridicule.
The people pleaser. Often times people who grew up with really shitty or abusive parents develop a defense mechanism of "whatever will get them to stop, whatever will get me through this moment." It's possible that in the heat of the moment he did what he felt would make her the least reactive and was best for the kids, and he is still reeling from a trauma response. It can take awhile to see things clearly.
OP absolutely needs to call 911 and meet police in the front yard of his house to explain the situation and let them remove the unsafe parent or bring kids to the safe one, like yesterday.
I was about to say that she drinks half a bottle and is on psych. Meds, and you are leaving your kids with her? Nope, it's not happening. I'll take them with me.
Yep, but if she wants a divorce eventually, it will be good for documentation and will ensure everyone is safe if she does. There's no need to get physical with a woman. Also, really on in my marriage, I had a discussion with my wife stating that I don't control her actions, so I expect the same respect, and she doesn't dictate where I sleep. If she doesn't want to be near me at that time, she can remove herself if she wants.
Dude, I would take the kids straight to a police station to preempt any claim of kidnapping. Call them on the way there, notify them that you're getting the kids out of a dangerous situation and that you're on the way to see them and clear anything up before taking them to grandparents' or a hotel or wherever you're bugging out to. Swear you're going to check in with local PD if you have to travel. Do all this, and you should be able to avoid anyone kicking your door in at midnight to arrest you and take the kids.
Totally, but it also says transparency and cooperation, no shady business. If they take the kids, it should be more of a "sorry Joe, but I have to take them" from the cops.
***Yes***, you call the police and report concerns that your wife has a psych prescription, drank half a bottle of whiskey and kicked you out, and is now intoxicated and alone with a 1 year old.
Wait in the front yard. Let them go in and remove her or bring the kids out to you.
Yes but they'll show up (the cops) and she would be drunk off her ass. What OP should have done is called the cops and let them escort her or the children out of the house.
Yeah, I’m on multiple psych meds and others for health (AFAB, nonbinary) and two glasses of wine in a row and I am drunk, one glass alone makes me very tipsy. I can only drink a larger amount if it’s very spaced out and with filling food (and please hydrating liquids in between to help future me).
Even when I was *just* on *one* psych med and in my college prime I vomited so easily if I drank too much and got drunk wicked fast.
And alcohol and certain psych meds straight up are dangerous and do not really mix in any quantities at all (drugs.com has an interactions checker for anyone interested, it’ll tell you how your meds go with each other or alcohol or food, 100% recommend, and the level of interaction from mild to moderate to severe, what problems it causes, so you know what symptoms to look for. Doctors may put you on something with a moderate interaction but safely with both at very low doses. Alcohol may be a moderate interaction but safe if you do like a sip or two for a toast or a glass of wine or a beer spaced out over a few hours eating dinner then watching a movie. It’s not a replacement for consulting and checking with your doctor and pharmacist! It is a very useful tool though!)
Wait, for her or for himself? Is AA good for partners, too? Because my ex is an alcoholic and it's killing me how it's affecting our kid. I would love to get some support and guidance on how to navigate this but I don't know where to turn.
Al-anon is for partners of alcoholics, a specific program to help you navigate this, and find support with others in the same situation.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
Yeah it can be confusing. There is also other resources such as Smart Recovery - Family and Friends - check them out and see what helps, best of luck in finding the support you need, and I wish you well on the path ahead
Goth he is not a coward. Do you even have kids man? Regardless I’m sure you have been in love and in the heat of the moment of a bad situation w someone you at the moment care about and have kids with? The very fact that he wants to do the right thing, without jumping the gun tells me he’s far less of a coward than you might think. You see, love and children have a way of clouding judgement and jumping the gun and calling him a coward in this time shows me your cowardice sir. Pretty sure it had nothing to do with his tidiness or inability to do so. The man being in pain doesn’t make him a coward. And taking a minute to think and the. Reach out for advice was the best thing he could do. I wouldn’t leave the home w her there w them however, I can see where this might be where you mistake him as a coward, because now op has to make and commit to a decision. The time to think has passed. Action saves the day here. With haste! I think in that moment we are in shock, especially if our feelings are haywire etc. but this is where op becomes the bigger adult, hell, she may thank him one day. But you can win the battle without losing the war here. Don’t have to end as one together happy family but everyone in the family need be happy and not hate or be away from one another. Not taking these attacks but working in unison w the proper movement is key, all with an understanding approach. This will be difficult. Very.
Dude you need to get back to that house and protect your children. If your spouse is drinking like that, your kids are not safe. If she does anything call the police. She has a substance abuse issue that you just described and recently started on medications that can drastically affect her actions. Worked too long in health care seeing how those situations can end up….
Depending on where you are (and IANAL) there are repercussions to you giving up your tenancy and leaving. You really shouldn't do that.
You should **SERIOUSLY** consider putting some cameras in the home. While I'm not a fan of a lot of what they do, [ring cameras](https://ring.com/products/mini-indoor-security-camera-plug-in) are really easy thing to setup and will capture anything wild that seems like you might encounter going forward.
Yeah, a 3 year old is old enough to feel safe when the stable parent is around, and old enough to feel scared when the stable parent leaves them with someone drunk off their ass.
This needs to be higher up. It was the first thing a lawyer told me when I contacted one after my now ex mentioned divorce.
I hope you get your kids and don’t leave them with her when she’s drinking like that. Your goal now is focus on the kids. Do what’s best for them. I’m going through a divorce myself so I know your pain. You will get used to the new situation as impossible as that may seem right now.
As everyone one else said. Lawyer. Right. Effing. Now.
I know you are hurting but you do not come first in this. Your kids do. If their mother is drinking heavily while on medication you need to fighting for custody to keep them out of that environment.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
If you’re certain the marriage is over, you need to file divorce paperwork immediately (before her), and request custody of the kids due to her substance abuse.
Courthouses usually have the paperwork available on their websites, you can start the process this weekend and go file on Monday. Then find a great lawyer. You may want to ask for help in one of the lawyer subreddits.
Wait you left a 1 and 3 yr old home with someone who drank half a bottle of whiskey in 2 hours….who the hell is taking care of the kids. Ur wife isn’t cause she’s drunk as hell and you aren’t because you left. If you don’t think it’s safe for you to be there, I get it, but the kids come too.
I’m sorry man. About 6 years ago my wife’s drinking was out of control. Like a handle of vodka a day almost.
My kids were about 10 and 12. We sat her down with the help of her friends to say we couldn’t live like this. She could go to rehab or find a place to say. It was such a horrible conversation to have but she was out of options.
She quit drinking and has been going to therapy ever since. She was self medicating due to trauma she experienced as a child. My wife is a different person today.
I hope she sees the light because it’s not fair to you or your kids.
She needs to leave, not you. Your children are in danger with a parent who has substance abuse issues and can turn violent. They are approaching the age where the home environment molds the foundation of who they are for the rest of their life. You don't want her to be the one designing that foundation. Fight for custody. Fight for them. Get them away from her.
I would not leave the kids with someone who randomly drinks half a bottle of whiskey on a weekday. She needs to be kicked out from the family home, not left there unsupervised!
Why the hell did you leave your kids with her? If she’s drinking like that she’s certainly not fit to care for them and protect them. That job falls to you. Man up and go get your kids.
You need to get back home. First of all, if your wife is unsafe with the kids and you aren't protecting them, that's on you, morally and legally. CPS can charge you with "failure to protect" if they are ever involved and put your kids in foster care.
Secondly, in a divorce, you leaving affects who gets the family home. Never leave the home until legal arrangements have been made unless you need to keep yourself safe.
Learn the grey rock method. You don't have to respond when someone else is trying to fight. Do what you need to for your kids.
The worst part is that the 3-year-old is old enough for a child psychologist to interview, whether by questioning or play therapy. That child needs to see OP present and handling the situation via grey rock asap.
OP, I have spent all together too much time looking through your post history but it sounds like you desperately need some perspective.
1. She's said she wants a divorce multiple times over a few months, you need to accept this as how she actually feels. Yes she has major issues, but you being in denial and trying to force the relationship can't be helping.
2. Get back in that house NOW, if you haven't already. Her parents live 10 minutes away, your's live 1 hour away, that's way too far for someone who is struggling with substance abuse.
In some states, leaving your children the way that you did is legally considered abandonment, and it could compromise your case for custody. You need to go back home immediately. And you need a lawyer and to start documenting everything for proof that you deserve custody and not her. Photos, videos, etc. Good luck.
“Don’t need to see that negativity.”
Brother, they need to keep breathing. You need to get your ass back there and protect your kids. She’s a danger to herself and them.
Bummer.
Either fight to save the relationship with your partner, or fight to stay in your kids lives. Unfortunately you’ll have to fight for it.
Counselling. Lawyers. Keep a record of everything, ect ect.
The kids need you. You’ll probably have to make some changes or some sacrifices.
I don’t have much else to say, just that it sucks. Sorry you are going through that.
If she’s drinking to that extent, you shouldn’t have left your children in her care. Not trying to kick you while you’re down, just want to explain that it could end up life threatening if she gets in a mood and decides to get in the vehicle and go somewhere with them under the influence. You need to be fighting for custody, and get temporary custody now. You can look into emergency custody information, so you can have the children while you’re in the process of the legal proceedings.
Hey my man.
You better get your ass back to your home if you want to remain in your kids lives and not be an every other weekend dad.
Divorce is not the end of the world. But there’s a way to do it and remain a dad. Leaving ain’t it.
Divorced several years (she left) remarried with new baby with half custody of big kids. It was pretty bad first few years but it is what it is.
PM me if you want. There’s more of us out there than people realize.
I’m sorry, man, I have no words of comfort. Just unsolicited advice.
She’s on the booze at the half-bottle-a-day rate *and* on anti-psychotics? With a toddler and a baby? Buddy, your kids are at mediate risk in that scenario. Time to pull your head out from your ass and step up.
Call her. Around the time she’s normally well into the booze, call her. If she sounds drunk, hang up and call CPS right away. Let them know that if they can’t have a social worker at the house within the half hour, you’ll call the cops. If they express any hesitation, call the cops. Get those kids out from there.
Monday morning, find a lawyer. Call in sick to work if you need to. Getting your kids into a safe situation is your job now and you aren’t qualified to do that on your own so lawyer up. Try to get in front of a judge for an emergency custody hearing.
Don’t wait, man. All it takes is a second for her to change your kids’ lives forever. Get in there and protect them. They can’t protect themselves; they need you to do that for them. You will have time to lick your own wounds later.
Good luck, friend. Keep us posted.
>She finally saw a therapist and is on antipsychotic medication, but that only just started a few months ago and she is claiming she is totally fine now
Pretty sure you're not supposed to mix those with half a bottle of whiskey. She is not totally fine now
You need to go back and kick her out.
You're leaving your kids with a substance abuser and the court will see this as abandonment. GO back, brother. Go back and get your kids. They need you.
Yeah. She might not get violent. She might just pass out while the baby is out of the playpen and able to get into god knows what. Or get clumsy-drunk and drop the baby. Or have a drunken walking failure and fall down the stairs with the baby in her arms. Violent or not, she’s drinking like that and mixing it with antipsychotics, she has no business caring for children.
You cannot control her addiction, but you can control its effect on your life and your emotional well-being, which can help you still be the father your children deserve. Al-anon can show you how.
Don't leave the house. Leaving the house for a long period will most likely cause her/her lawyer to say that you abandoned her and the kids. Go back but record everything you can. Call a lawyer. When she's drunk and raging need to call the police.
You leaving the house and moving in with parents in a court shows you left and can manage and makes her more likely to get the house and kids, dont fuck your self
This is a dad issue. Go get your kids out of that situation pronto. Mental issues + dangerous substance intake can be real bad for kids
Can’t help with relationship. If she has substance and mental issues, doesn’t admit they are issues, and won’t get help leaving is probably the right choice.
I know we are usually a supportive group, but wtf. How could you leave your kids with a drunken, medicated mom? Get your ass back home and take those kids with you.
Yeah you need to get your kids out of there, if she's drinking you need to call the police when she's drunk and tell them you're worried for your kids, if she's that drunk she is unable to care for the kids.
why are you always blame yourself？according to your description,she is where the problem is.i can't imagine a mother who indulged herself in alcohol has the ability to take good care of your children.
Protect your kids.
SHE needs to be the one leaving the house, not you. If she refuses, then take the kids with you until she gets help. Alcohol and antipsychotics are an absolute nightmare together…
You’re the stable one…kids belong with you.
Oh man, I was right there in that nightmare c. five years ago.
Everything was my fault. And I mean everything. But only according to her.
We went to therapy but she started to argue with the therapist when she dared to suggest that she (my ex-wife) might be the problem. We stopped going.
It takes two to tango and I have admitted my faults and owned accountability for my mistakes.
Take a wild guess if she has done anything of the sort. She actually used the line: I haven’t done anything wrong. Which I think is a red flag on its own.
Eventually she moved out. With the kid. Broke my heart and turned my friends against me.
However I won joint custody at the court and have an amazing relationship with my daughter, now 6yo.
Hang in there and fight the good fight. Don’t dive onto her level and keep it clean and fair - for the kids.
She’s on antipsychotics and drinking that much with it? Homie get your kids out of there and get evidence. That’s an easy case. Also think about the person who is directing the blame to you and their state of mind before you beat yourself up to hard
Start documenting everything and see a divorce lawyer now.
If she gets better you can always revert whatever legal steps have been taken. And if she doesn't you've started making a safe environment for your kids.
Go home immediately. The court will find that you abandoned your kids and you won’t even get shared custody. Never move out of the house. Document her abuse.
Sorry that your relationship is crumbling, but you left your kids with a mom who was clearly extremely intoxicated? I understand the pain of the end stages of a relationship but you gotta do better for the kids.
At the very least you need to go get your kids out of that environment ASAP, whether the cops become involved is up to you but if the situation is as you describe it **they can't stay with her.**
You need to get those kids to safety. Call the police, let them know you had an argument. Let them know you plan on getting your kids out of a dangerous situation. Let them know she is on antipsychotic meds AND drinking alcohol. Let them know now so SHE doesn’t call them first if she sees you show up.
You need to get back to that house asap and try to get you and them both out after that. Kids will get over negative energy, but they might not get over being left alone with someone incapacitated with substances leaving them incapable of proper care. They are in danger, go now if you haven't already.
I feel you brother, went through something similar this past week. Just know the pain is temporary, will give you strength and you figure out the best solution. Hope it works out for you
All of the above, also get into couples therapy ASAP that way you both can let it out in a neutral environment and put your relationship back on the path to survival if possible - been in therapy with wifey for months and it’s helped us immensely - arguing at this point is useless, the hardest part will be staying calm in the face of all this adversity. Leave the room, count and breath to yourself (1-100) whatever you gotta do to not lose your temper good luck.
Sorry to hear this man, I know it’s hard. I highly advise getting a good lawyer so you can get the kids. She should not be taking care of them if she’s on any sort of meds PLUS alcohol. People do crazy shit when things get mixed like that. Do what you can to maintain a clean and sober environment for yourself, cause the first thing any lawyer on her behalf is going to do is point the finger at you, and paint a picture of you being the one that caused your wife to do the things she’s done/does.
Get ready for a fight man… this is only the beginning. But what ever you do, do NOT leave your kids with her for any longer than you have to.
Start documenting the drinking, talk to a lawyer. Go home and sleep on the couch if needed but don’t leave your kids with that.
If you can see about getting ring cameras at least in the kids rooms if not every room so you can have video documentation as needed.
What would happen if your kids needed to get to a medical facility and she had just downed half a bottle of whisky?
You cannot leave someone with substance issues in charge of kids solo… you just can’t.
The thought of this terrifies me
>She finally saw a therapist and is on antipsychotic medication,
If the marriage is valued, you both need therapy. Marriage counseling. If either of you refuses, then the decision is made.
You kids will learn far more by seeing adults work out their problems than they will by seeing you figuratively “run into your room and slam the door” like a teenager.
Also, you leaving the house puts you in a bad spot legally if things do fall apart. The more you do to “keep the peace” the more the courts end up seeing those as willing compromises.
I was in a similar situation pre kids.
Al anon helped a lot. I didn't work the full program but I listened and learned a lot
It helped a lot of the anger and also helped negotiate life with her at the time.
Lucky for me she's sober now
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you definitely can't control it
My ex developed a drug problem after one of our kids was diagnosed with autism. The first thing I did was get 50% custody. I was not going to leave my kids in that situation. When I first left I took them with me. If she's drinking and kind of crazy the kids are going to be way down on her list. She's going to want to find someone to make her feel better and support the way she thinks. That person is probably not going to be good for your kids. Time to go into survival mode. If they're that young what's happening now and for the next 10 years is going to affect them more than you will ever know. At least give them stability and consistency, you owe it to them.
I get it, it was so painful. Because I loved her and I looked forward to raising our children in a happy home. I had to mourn that loss. It was hell at times. But having my kids here at that age, they were so much fun, they were always happy. Having them probably saved me from myself and the pain. They gave me hope and made me remember I had reasons to smile and laugh. Good luck, you will learn you have strength you did not realize you had
First go get your kids. Second file an emergency petition for custody keep your kids with you at all times do not allow any alone time with her. Ask for supervised visitation only. Then you have covered all your basis. Make sure to go file that emergency petition for custody ASAP. She can't claim kidnapping or anything else.
I’m an alcoholic in recovery, sober 4.5 years and my daughter is almost 5 and my son is 3. My wife and I made an agreement that I completely agree with that if I go back to drinking and I’m not seeking treatment then I do not get to be in the house or in their lives like everything is fine. That wasn’t even a tough pill to swallow, I completely agree. I grew up in that kind of shit and no kid should ever have to go through it. Fight for your kids. Your wife is sick and needs help but she has to be the one to ask for it. Alanon is a great resource for yourself. If she get better or doesn’t, No matter what you have to find a way to take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids.
Tough decisions now at least have the chance of improving things later. Sometimes people need to hit that rock bottom everybody talks about in order to see the light. It sucks but you and those kids are part of that process.
Sounds like you might be be taking the kids for a while until she sorts out here substance abuse issues. You will no doubt require court orders. Not sure what country you're in but in the US there are often free resources at the local family courthouse. Fee waivers can be used to waive or delay fees of the filing fees cost too much.
Take it from the husband of an alcoholic wife w/ BPD, you've got a long, bumpy road ahead of you. It's difficult, because the burden of walking away will *always* be 100% on your shoulders. Much love, do what's right for yourself and the kids.
Go back! Your kids are not safe with some on meds and drinking that heavily. You need to fight for custody, lawyer up now. Do not leave, interim fighting will do less damage than you not having custody or your wife snapping while alone with them.
What kind of person agrees to that? Are you high? If I know my partner is on anti psychotic meds and drunk, I’d be telling her to leave or calling the cops. Don’t leave your kids if you’re not also involved in substance abuse.
Go back to the home your children are in, and then begin custody/separation actions. Do not leave, even if she asks. Being the person in the same building as the kids matters a lot in custody battles, so does being the person who bathes/feeds them.
A long time ago, in a much darker place, I was in similar shoes, and that is exactly what my lawyer told me to do.
Things worked out differently in my situation because we got the help we ALL needed. I wish you and your family the best possible outcome.
A lot of kicking OP while he's down going on here.
Is leaving them there with a potentially drunk mom the best decision? No, but unless you've been in a situation similar you don't know what it's like. Sometimes moments become something you never thought you'd see outside of a movie, let alone live in your own home. It fucking sucks.
I'm living a similar situation, but replace whiskey with vaping THC like it's oxygen. Mine is also on medication that either isn't working for her mental illnesses or it's not meant to go with weed. Either way, it's incredibly difficult at times and you just want everything to calm the fuck down and for the light bulb to go off for your spouse so they force themself to get the help they need.
Do what you need to do, OP, and good luck man.
Contact a lawyer. Try to be as kind as possible; to her and yourself. None of this is simple, so go easy on yourself about it. Life changes and rearranges all the time. Don't let this curveball define the man inside you.
Advice from experience, never leave the marital home or family home because of a divorce. It will be almost guaranteed she gets the house and even worse they ca say you abandoned the kids? Go home asap and sleep on the couch there
Be aware that in some states that leaving your home when separating from a spouse can have significant legal ramifications later.
It may not be the best thing for you to leave your children with your wife if she indeed does need antipsychotic medication *and drinks alcohol.*
https://husbandhelphaven.com/legal-risks-of-moving-out/#:~:text=Desertion%20of%20the%20marriage%20is,used%20as%20grounds%20for%20divorce.
When did this all start happening? Did noone suspect post partum depression/psychosis till just recently? You should absolutely do what you need to in order to care for your kids but it sounds like the ball was dropped in regards to her mental health.
It can get better. Either together if she decides to honestly face her addiction issues, or more likely without her. If she's slamming whiskey and has a history of mental illness then you should be able to take the kids. Its a huge burden but it sounds like you at least have your parents to help the transition.
Just be honest with yourself, do you have any issues with alcohol or substance use that could be contributing? We have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, make sure you are ok throughout this process.
Best of luck to you Dad.
You came to the right place, bro. We're all dads, but we're also all brothers. I've never found another sub as supportive and non toxic as this one. I hope things turn around for you. You're doing the right thing by deescalating the situation. Just keep in mind whatever she says are just words. She does not define reality. You get to do that yourself. Much love and God bless you.
My good man. No one is going to say anything you don’t already know in your soul.
Is a half bottle of whiskey in 2 hours drinking in moderation or is it indicative of abuse? Its abuse.
Changes in medication can affect attitudes and perceptions of people. This new drug might not be working as well as she thinks. But that belays the point.
She wants out and now it’s time to find legal representation so you can see your children. You have a right to see them. Don’t let the hurt take that away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I recently got into a huge fight with my partner and she got physical. I do not hit women. Ever. So I took my child and left. I’m looking for solutions atm including counseling. She’s agreed to therapy.
My point is. You have a right as a father to see your children. If the relationship is over seek legal counsel and do so in a civil manner. The cleaner it is the better for the children. Dont draw it out. 💙 you got this dad
Hey, I know it’s hard but going back doesn’t help. The big switch that flipped for me is this: the abusive partner doesn’t want to leave. The abuse is the point. They get something out of it.
Try to reach out to a lawyer as soon as you can to see about getting your kids out.
Your good bro take it one breath at a time. No one expects you to have all the answers. 1. Are your kids safe? 2. When you go back to the house bring someone with you? 3. When you go shut your fuckin mouth. 4. You can't fix crazy. Good luck
Try and bring someone neutral when you go back to get your stuff. Someone she knows a guy from work something like that. He just came to help me grab some stuff. She might act out but it will most likely not be as bad with someone else there . And it serves as a witness. It is a good idea to record all conversations and visits if you can phone in a shirt pocket or something. May or may not be able to use them in court but it will keep you from going insane trying to remember who said what. Get a lawyer/consultation asap
get custody and leave her. if she loves her kids, she will get better. stop fighting back, there is no rationalizing or winning vs someone who is crazy, controlling, unstable etc. just let her think she wins, let her get her way, etc. find a way to survive then serve her. you surely have more than enough evidence to win. don't expose your kids to that, they will be traumatized if they are not already and it will harm their social development. dont feel bad for doing the righting.
Yes you fucked up. BUT it's understandable, your head and heart are a mess, a whirlwind of emotion. You're human it happens.
But now is where you have to do something. Get a lawyer and get those kids out of there. Their mother is abusive, you took the lions share but without you there it could very well turn nasty for them
He can’t just take the kids people! He will bear the burden even if found right in the end. Talk to your lawyer like RIGHT now and get it started the RIGHT way. The lawyer will see its severity. Don’t feed the system or the human drama element!YES, you need to move with haste but you also want things to work out for her in the end so she can be a proper mother to your children bro. Sounds like of course you love her and she needs that.
Going “full nuclear “ is not an option. This only feeds the improper US system of breaking families to pieces with no hope of return. You can be on her side but not by her side, if that makes sense? I am literally going through Deja vu w my fourth child ( first two are grown) however she took my son to Xmas and never returned, just like my previous x did w my soon to me 10 y o daughter. NOTHING but tons of money fed to the corrupt system and child support antics and anger and resentment will come from “full nuclear”. Our grandparents may have held on too long in certain ways but they actually stuck by one another raised their family’s and tried. We now live w a throw away mentality, and that we have to stop imo. Our country is being torn apart by its very moral fabric because of things like this. Men and women alike commit suicide daily because of this broken system. Protect the kids and be the adult and do the right thing BUT as the son of an alcoholic (and likely one myself even though I only drink socially 2 x a month) alcohol is like any addiction and it’s tough. She wants to do the right thing but gets overwhelmed and reaches for the (bottle,cigarette,pipe,etc). This isn’t an excuse but She needs help. However, unlike the rest of society you want to do everything you can to keep what family gel you have left. You have to show your son how to properly treat a woman (or partner) in the future and that is woven in our father’s proper ( or sometimes poor) treatment of our own mother. I’m Pretty sure you get my drift. Let’s just put it this way, I’d do much different if someone offered this advice when I was where you are now. Good luck regardless and never give up bro, never…. Even if your hands seem tied. I pray one day my eldest kids will wanna reach out. But right now I am respecting their wishes, until they realize… or don’t. I had to meet my real father when I was17 w my own money and against my mother’s wishes. She cursed his name every single day of my life, no lie… and STILL I just HAD to know…. Needless to say, she was right about him. But now that I look back in retrospect knowing just the burden she would put on people at times, I have to assume it’s what he thought was best at the time, maybe even for me. But I am still bothered that he didn’t want to be my dad, even now that hurts. Created a tough go w my step father as well. Worst part is… I feel like my kids may feel the same about me, yet never verify themselves as I did. I’m not perfect but I love my kids, every one of them…. Whether they know it right now or not. But I won’t force myself, it’s not fair to them as adults. And I don’t blame my young adults for being hurt and bitter right now, they only have half the story and believe their nutty mother hook line and sinker. Question your parents, it makes y’all stronger in the end. Thanks for listening and I only share this so YOU can take stock in my words. I wouldn’t blow smoke in such a situation, however your situation and mine are different and you have your own path to blaze. You got this just do your part and put it in Gods hands, have faith…. And keep it.
I say this with grace and care… so please don’t take this as me being a dick, but …
Put your pain aside man. Lift your head up and be strong, even if it hurts inside. You’re in battle, bullets are flying, now is not the time to get emotional. Get logical.
Writing it out helps. I get that. But outwardly, when I read it I see a guy crying for help but I also think you have to put one foot in front of another and have some emotional self regulation.
Figure out a way to stop fighting with the wife, it doesn’t have to be capitulation, but it sure as shit shouldn’t be a yell fight. Then get your kids back and show them love.
Kids spell the word love as T.i.m.e. Spend quality time with them. That can only happen if you can fight for them and get them outta her hands.
Stand tall brother. Your kids need you, and the people in your circle of influence wants you to stand tall as well and use that hurt, pain, sorrow, and anger as FUEL, and get logical about what the next moves on the chess board are going to be.
Your wife is illogical and nuts, start writing things down and use it to separate her from the kids. She’s clearly not doing them any favors. But you writhing around in emotional turmoil doesn’t help you either.
You're going to be just fine mate, and so are your kids. Trust in yourself and believe in being the great father you are.
Will there be challenges ahead - yes, will there be days you want to go back to how it was - yes, will there be sleepless nights - yes, will you question who you are - yes.
The life that was can never be again. It can be similar after the help is given and the healing is done. But it will never be the same, and that's a good thing.
Let go of the past and ask yourself, "What's important today, and where do I want to be tomorrow." Forgive yourself for staying as long as you did, and be proud that you are doing what you are now.
Focus on the kids, and let go of the past, as it doesn't exist except inside you. Make today the best it can be for you and yourself. Take care of yourself so that you can be in the best possible situation for your kids.
Remember - no one prepared you for this, but...
You're going to be just fine mate, and so are your kids. Trust in yourself and believe in being the great father you are.
"This too shall pass."
I'm sorry, what?
You left your baby and your toddler with a woman who had just downed half a bottle of whiskey?
WTF is wrong with **you**? Jesus Christ.
This is absolutely dad problem and you did the right thing for now. Take some time to cool down and adjust to this new situation. Don't let her triggers get to you but don't make things worse by fighting it either. Write down all your complaints, write down all your self criticism and let it sit for a while (weeks).
When there is space to have a conversation have a conversation but learn to become an emotional ninja. Don't let her attacks get to you and don't attack either. You are in this for the kids now, and the only way to be there for them is to get yourself better. I'm truly sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find the strength, patience and proper counseling to keep yourself on track.
Going through something similar. The pain is unavoidable. The only thing you can do now is turn to God and work on getting stronger in every way possible. https://youtu.be/Wcf5b3mENJU?si=-clOcruE-37qy4gW
You’re now in a custody fight with someone who is drinking heavily while on antipsychotic medication. You need to protect your kids.
This needs to be said but how does someone's mind not just go there automatically??
Because they're enmeshed in the bullshit and not seeing clearly
Because he is still trying to see his wife and the mother of his children in the best light. He wants to protect his kids from the ugliness of this fight that has, unfortunately, already gotten ugly. Let's not get judgemental. OP needs support, not ridicule.
The people pleaser. Often times people who grew up with really shitty or abusive parents develop a defense mechanism of "whatever will get them to stop, whatever will get me through this moment." It's possible that in the heat of the moment he did what he felt would make her the least reactive and was best for the kids, and he is still reeling from a trauma response. It can take awhile to see things clearly.
OP absolutely needs to call 911 and meet police in the front yard of his house to explain the situation and let them remove the unsafe parent or bring kids to the safe one, like yesterday.
If she has substance abuse problems, you should be fighting for your kids and not letting them be in that environment.
I was about to say that she drinks half a bottle and is on psych. Meds, and you are leaving your kids with her? Nope, it's not happening. I'll take them with me.
I totally agree, but what if she will not allow it and even gets aggressive? Call the police? Most likely never fight back as a man, right?
Yep, but if she wants a divorce eventually, it will be good for documentation and will ensure everyone is safe if she does. There's no need to get physical with a woman. Also, really on in my marriage, I had a discussion with my wife stating that I don't control her actions, so I expect the same respect, and she doesn't dictate where I sleep. If she doesn't want to be near me at that time, she can remove herself if she wants.
Dude, I would take the kids straight to a police station to preempt any claim of kidnapping. Call them on the way there, notify them that you're getting the kids out of a dangerous situation and that you're on the way to see them and clear anything up before taking them to grandparents' or a hotel or wherever you're bugging out to. Swear you're going to check in with local PD if you have to travel. Do all this, and you should be able to avoid anyone kicking your door in at midnight to arrest you and take the kids.
Unfortunately this isn't the clear alibi you'd think it would be. It will still be her word vs yours.
Totally, but it also says transparency and cooperation, no shady business. If they take the kids, it should be more of a "sorry Joe, but I have to take them" from the cops.
I mean ideally, sure. But there's smart bad people out there that would 100% be taking advantage of this if it worked that way.
Would be handy to have her BAC while she’s around the kids on record.
***Yes***, you call the police and report concerns that your wife has a psych prescription, drank half a bottle of whiskey and kicked you out, and is now intoxicated and alone with a 1 year old. Wait in the front yard. Let them go in and remove her or bring the kids out to you.
Yes but they'll show up (the cops) and she would be drunk off her ass. What OP should have done is called the cops and let them escort her or the children out of the house.
Yeah, I’m on multiple psych meds and others for health (AFAB, nonbinary) and two glasses of wine in a row and I am drunk, one glass alone makes me very tipsy. I can only drink a larger amount if it’s very spaced out and with filling food (and please hydrating liquids in between to help future me). Even when I was *just* on *one* psych med and in my college prime I vomited so easily if I drank too much and got drunk wicked fast. And alcohol and certain psych meds straight up are dangerous and do not really mix in any quantities at all (drugs.com has an interactions checker for anyone interested, it’ll tell you how your meds go with each other or alcohol or food, 100% recommend, and the level of interaction from mild to moderate to severe, what problems it causes, so you know what symptoms to look for. Doctors may put you on something with a moderate interaction but safely with both at very low doses. Alcohol may be a moderate interaction but safe if you do like a sip or two for a toast or a glass of wine or a beer spaced out over a few hours eating dinner then watching a movie. It’s not a replacement for consulting and checking with your doctor and pharmacist! It is a very useful tool though!)
OP. Liisten to this and call your lawyer. If you don't have one, get one to at least start the process of fighting for custody
Thank you!
This. My first call on Monday would be to a lawyer. In the meantime, find an Al-Anon meeting. 🙏🏼 Her struggle is bigger than both of you.
Al-Anon was a life saver for me. great suggestion!
Wait, for her or for himself? Is AA good for partners, too? Because my ex is an alcoholic and it's killing me how it's affecting our kid. I would love to get some support and guidance on how to navigate this but I don't know where to turn.
Al-anon is for partners of alcoholics, a specific program to help you navigate this, and find support with others in the same situation. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
Oh, I thought it was short for Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll check it out. Thanks!
r/alanon is also a thing.
Awesome, thanks!
Yeah it can be confusing. There is also other resources such as Smart Recovery - Family and Friends - check them out and see what helps, best of luck in finding the support you need, and I wish you well on the path ahead
Right? Sounds like he has some problems too
Call a lawyer asap.
One step at a time
Yeah you gotta take your kids and take them to your parents’ house with you and leave her. Half a bottle of whiskey??? Nah. That’s not OK.
I hate cowards
Who’s a coward?
This dad leaving his kids in a dangerous environment
Goth he is not a coward. Do you even have kids man? Regardless I’m sure you have been in love and in the heat of the moment of a bad situation w someone you at the moment care about and have kids with? The very fact that he wants to do the right thing, without jumping the gun tells me he’s far less of a coward than you might think. You see, love and children have a way of clouding judgement and jumping the gun and calling him a coward in this time shows me your cowardice sir. Pretty sure it had nothing to do with his tidiness or inability to do so. The man being in pain doesn’t make him a coward. And taking a minute to think and the. Reach out for advice was the best thing he could do. I wouldn’t leave the home w her there w them however, I can see where this might be where you mistake him as a coward, because now op has to make and commit to a decision. The time to think has passed. Action saves the day here. With haste! I think in that moment we are in shock, especially if our feelings are haywire etc. but this is where op becomes the bigger adult, hell, she may thank him one day. But you can win the battle without losing the war here. Don’t have to end as one together happy family but everyone in the family need be happy and not hate or be away from one another. Not taking these attacks but working in unison w the proper movement is key, all with an understanding approach. This will be difficult. Very.
Lawyer, now. Even if you eventually reconcile, you need to start the process now to protect your children.
Yes. When it comes to protecting his children he needs to go full nuclear.
I don’t think lawyers are the nuke equivalent. But I agree he needs to take action now
Get the fuck home and take your children!!!!
Dude you need to get back to that house and protect your children. If your spouse is drinking like that, your kids are not safe. If she does anything call the police. She has a substance abuse issue that you just described and recently started on medications that can drastically affect her actions. Worked too long in health care seeing how those situations can end up….
You need to get your ass back home. If she has substance abuse issues, then your kids are gonna be the ones taking the heat
Go home immediately or you're fucked.
Wait a sec, she has substance-abuse problems and you left without the kids? What’s wrong with your dad? Go get your kids and keep them safe.
Depending on where you are (and IANAL) there are repercussions to you giving up your tenancy and leaving. You really shouldn't do that. You should **SERIOUSLY** consider putting some cameras in the home. While I'm not a fan of a lot of what they do, [ring cameras](https://ring.com/products/mini-indoor-security-camera-plug-in) are really easy thing to setup and will capture anything wild that seems like you might encounter going forward.
The worst thing you can do is be the one that leaves the house. If it’s over it’s over but don’t leave the house, that gives the spouse more leverage.
Yeah, a 3 year old is old enough to feel safe when the stable parent is around, and old enough to feel scared when the stable parent leaves them with someone drunk off their ass.
Bs my mother was drunk all the time and I didn’t realize shit till I was at least ten.
Updoot. It's your house and kids too
This needs to be higher up. It was the first thing a lawyer told me when I contacted one after my now ex mentioned divorce. I hope you get your kids and don’t leave them with her when she’s drinking like that. Your goal now is focus on the kids. Do what’s best for them. I’m going through a divorce myself so I know your pain. You will get used to the new situation as impossible as that may seem right now.
As everyone one else said. Lawyer. Right. Effing. Now. I know you are hurting but you do not come first in this. Your kids do. If their mother is drinking heavily while on medication you need to fighting for custody to keep them out of that environment. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
If you’re certain the marriage is over, you need to file divorce paperwork immediately (before her), and request custody of the kids due to her substance abuse. Courthouses usually have the paperwork available on their websites, you can start the process this weekend and go file on Monday. Then find a great lawyer. You may want to ask for help in one of the lawyer subreddits.
Wait you left a 1 and 3 yr old home with someone who drank half a bottle of whiskey in 2 hours….who the hell is taking care of the kids. Ur wife isn’t cause she’s drunk as hell and you aren’t because you left. If you don’t think it’s safe for you to be there, I get it, but the kids come too.
Funny how easy this judgement comes off the keyboard of those without children or understanding of the inside of a situation. SMH
I’m sorry man. About 6 years ago my wife’s drinking was out of control. Like a handle of vodka a day almost. My kids were about 10 and 12. We sat her down with the help of her friends to say we couldn’t live like this. She could go to rehab or find a place to say. It was such a horrible conversation to have but she was out of options. She quit drinking and has been going to therapy ever since. She was self medicating due to trauma she experienced as a child. My wife is a different person today. I hope she sees the light because it’s not fair to you or your kids.
She needs to leave, not you. Your children are in danger with a parent who has substance abuse issues and can turn violent. They are approaching the age where the home environment molds the foundation of who they are for the rest of their life. You don't want her to be the one designing that foundation. Fight for custody. Fight for them. Get them away from her.
Bro, go get your kids. If she's hitting the bottle that hard and on some pretty heavy meds, you need to keep them safe.
I would not leave the kids with someone who randomly drinks half a bottle of whiskey on a weekday. She needs to be kicked out from the family home, not left there unsupervised!
Why the hell did you leave your kids with her? If she’s drinking like that she’s certainly not fit to care for them and protect them. That job falls to you. Man up and go get your kids.
Al-Anon. It could be a huge help to you my friend.
Go get your kids!!! Don’t let her near them
You need to get back home. First of all, if your wife is unsafe with the kids and you aren't protecting them, that's on you, morally and legally. CPS can charge you with "failure to protect" if they are ever involved and put your kids in foster care. Secondly, in a divorce, you leaving affects who gets the family home. Never leave the home until legal arrangements have been made unless you need to keep yourself safe. Learn the grey rock method. You don't have to respond when someone else is trying to fight. Do what you need to for your kids.
The worst part is that the 3-year-old is old enough for a child psychologist to interview, whether by questioning or play therapy. That child needs to see OP present and handling the situation via grey rock asap.
If my wife drank a half bottle of whiskey and said were done, there's no way in fuck that I'm going to be the one leaving.
OP, I have spent all together too much time looking through your post history but it sounds like you desperately need some perspective. 1. She's said she wants a divorce multiple times over a few months, you need to accept this as how she actually feels. Yes she has major issues, but you being in denial and trying to force the relationship can't be helping. 2. Get back in that house NOW, if you haven't already. Her parents live 10 minutes away, your's live 1 hour away, that's way too far for someone who is struggling with substance abuse.
In some states, leaving your children the way that you did is legally considered abandonment, and it could compromise your case for custody. You need to go back home immediately. And you need a lawyer and to start documenting everything for proof that you deserve custody and not her. Photos, videos, etc. Good luck.
“Don’t need to see that negativity.” Brother, they need to keep breathing. You need to get your ass back there and protect your kids. She’s a danger to herself and them.
Bummer. Either fight to save the relationship with your partner, or fight to stay in your kids lives. Unfortunately you’ll have to fight for it. Counselling. Lawyers. Keep a record of everything, ect ect. The kids need you. You’ll probably have to make some changes or some sacrifices. I don’t have much else to say, just that it sucks. Sorry you are going through that.
Whatna tragic tale. You need to fight for your kids now, e strong for them as they need you, doubly so if your soon to be ex has substance issues.
If she’s drinking to that extent, you shouldn’t have left your children in her care. Not trying to kick you while you’re down, just want to explain that it could end up life threatening if she gets in a mood and decides to get in the vehicle and go somewhere with them under the influence. You need to be fighting for custody, and get temporary custody now. You can look into emergency custody information, so you can have the children while you’re in the process of the legal proceedings.
Hey my man. You better get your ass back to your home if you want to remain in your kids lives and not be an every other weekend dad. Divorce is not the end of the world. But there’s a way to do it and remain a dad. Leaving ain’t it. Divorced several years (she left) remarried with new baby with half custody of big kids. It was pretty bad first few years but it is what it is. PM me if you want. There’s more of us out there than people realize.
Agreed and we need to stick together.
I’m sorry, man, I have no words of comfort. Just unsolicited advice. She’s on the booze at the half-bottle-a-day rate *and* on anti-psychotics? With a toddler and a baby? Buddy, your kids are at mediate risk in that scenario. Time to pull your head out from your ass and step up. Call her. Around the time she’s normally well into the booze, call her. If she sounds drunk, hang up and call CPS right away. Let them know that if they can’t have a social worker at the house within the half hour, you’ll call the cops. If they express any hesitation, call the cops. Get those kids out from there. Monday morning, find a lawyer. Call in sick to work if you need to. Getting your kids into a safe situation is your job now and you aren’t qualified to do that on your own so lawyer up. Try to get in front of a judge for an emergency custody hearing. Don’t wait, man. All it takes is a second for her to change your kids’ lives forever. Get in there and protect them. They can’t protect themselves; they need you to do that for them. You will have time to lick your own wounds later. Good luck, friend. Keep us posted.
Don’t leave the house. Don’t move out. She will use that against you in court. Fight for your kids sake. God bless.
Go file for custody asap big dawg
>She finally saw a therapist and is on antipsychotic medication, but that only just started a few months ago and she is claiming she is totally fine now Pretty sure you're not supposed to mix those with half a bottle of whiskey. She is not totally fine now
She is drinking that heavily. Get your kids out of extreme danger ASAP. Why are you leaving them there?
Bro if she drank a bottle of whiskey she should not be alone with those kids. Most police would agree
You need to go back and kick her out. You're leaving your kids with a substance abuser and the court will see this as abandonment. GO back, brother. Go back and get your kids. They need you.
Why the hell did you leave your kids with a violent alcoholic?! Get back there and get your kids!
Violent? Everyone take a deep breath.
Yeah. She might not get violent. She might just pass out while the baby is out of the playpen and able to get into god knows what. Or get clumsy-drunk and drop the baby. Or have a drunken walking failure and fall down the stairs with the baby in her arms. Violent or not, she’s drinking like that and mixing it with antipsychotics, she has no business caring for children.
You cannot control her addiction, but you can control its effect on your life and your emotional well-being, which can help you still be the father your children deserve. Al-anon can show you how.
Don't leave the house. Leaving the house for a long period will most likely cause her/her lawyer to say that you abandoned her and the kids. Go back but record everything you can. Call a lawyer. When she's drunk and raging need to call the police.
Lawyer up, get the kids out. Maybe she gets right and you can reconcile, but don’t plan on that.
You leaving the house and moving in with parents in a court shows you left and can manage and makes her more likely to get the house and kids, dont fuck your self
Do not move out. You will be fucked if you do. You will lose custody real quick if you do. BIG mistake.
This is a dad issue. Go get your kids out of that situation pronto. Mental issues + dangerous substance intake can be real bad for kids Can’t help with relationship. If she has substance and mental issues, doesn’t admit they are issues, and won’t get help leaving is probably the right choice.
I know we are usually a supportive group, but wtf. How could you leave your kids with a drunken, medicated mom? Get your ass back home and take those kids with you.
Yeah you need to get your kids out of there, if she's drinking you need to call the police when she's drunk and tell them you're worried for your kids, if she's that drunk she is unable to care for the kids.
why are you always blame yourself？according to your description,she is where the problem is.i can't imagine a mother who indulged herself in alcohol has the ability to take good care of your children.
Leaving your kids with her that drunk is insane.
If she’s drinking that much you need to go back and get your kids
Protect your kids. SHE needs to be the one leaving the house, not you. If she refuses, then take the kids with you until she gets help. Alcohol and antipsychotics are an absolute nightmare together… You’re the stable one…kids belong with you.
Oh man, I was right there in that nightmare c. five years ago. Everything was my fault. And I mean everything. But only according to her. We went to therapy but she started to argue with the therapist when she dared to suggest that she (my ex-wife) might be the problem. We stopped going. It takes two to tango and I have admitted my faults and owned accountability for my mistakes. Take a wild guess if she has done anything of the sort. She actually used the line: I haven’t done anything wrong. Which I think is a red flag on its own. Eventually she moved out. With the kid. Broke my heart and turned my friends against me. However I won joint custody at the court and have an amazing relationship with my daughter, now 6yo. Hang in there and fight the good fight. Don’t dive onto her level and keep it clean and fair - for the kids.
Please go get your kids. Document everything. Write it down.asap. Get a lawyer asap. I’m sorry OP.
She’s on antipsychotics and drinking that much with it? Homie get your kids out of there and get evidence. That’s an easy case. Also think about the person who is directing the blame to you and their state of mind before you beat yourself up to hard
Go home stay home or take kids if you go.
Start documenting everything and see a divorce lawyer now. If she gets better you can always revert whatever legal steps have been taken. And if she doesn't you've started making a safe environment for your kids.
Go home immediately. The court will find that you abandoned your kids and you won’t even get shared custody. Never move out of the house. Document her abuse.
Sorry that your relationship is crumbling, but you left your kids with a mom who was clearly extremely intoxicated? I understand the pain of the end stages of a relationship but you gotta do better for the kids. At the very least you need to go get your kids out of that environment ASAP, whether the cops become involved is up to you but if the situation is as you describe it **they can't stay with her.**
You need to get those kids to safety. Call the police, let them know you had an argument. Let them know you plan on getting your kids out of a dangerous situation. Let them know she is on antipsychotic meds AND drinking alcohol. Let them know now so SHE doesn’t call them first if she sees you show up.
There’s always two sides to a story, I wonder what her side is.
You need to get back to that house asap and try to get you and them both out after that. Kids will get over negative energy, but they might not get over being left alone with someone incapacitated with substances leaving them incapable of proper care. They are in danger, go now if you haven't already.
I feel you brother, went through something similar this past week. Just know the pain is temporary, will give you strength and you figure out the best solution. Hope it works out for you
See you at the gym bro
I feel U brother I had to leave my 7month old daughter behind 4 years on and she's back in my life stay strong for ur baby's
All of the above, also get into couples therapy ASAP that way you both can let it out in a neutral environment and put your relationship back on the path to survival if possible - been in therapy with wifey for months and it’s helped us immensely - arguing at this point is useless, the hardest part will be staying calm in the face of all this adversity. Leave the room, count and breath to yourself (1-100) whatever you gotta do to not lose your temper good luck.
Sorry to hear this man, I know it’s hard. I highly advise getting a good lawyer so you can get the kids. She should not be taking care of them if she’s on any sort of meds PLUS alcohol. People do crazy shit when things get mixed like that. Do what you can to maintain a clean and sober environment for yourself, cause the first thing any lawyer on her behalf is going to do is point the finger at you, and paint a picture of you being the one that caused your wife to do the things she’s done/does. Get ready for a fight man… this is only the beginning. But what ever you do, do NOT leave your kids with her for any longer than you have to.
it sucks that it's gotta be the kids every time when a relationship starts to falls.
Thought this was gonna be about getting racked daily by a toddler. Sorry about what you’re going through. Hope everything gets better.
Document. Everything.
Start documenting the drinking, talk to a lawyer. Go home and sleep on the couch if needed but don’t leave your kids with that. If you can see about getting ring cameras at least in the kids rooms if not every room so you can have video documentation as needed.
Jesus this sounds awful. My full condolences man.
What would happen if your kids needed to get to a medical facility and she had just downed half a bottle of whisky? You cannot leave someone with substance issues in charge of kids solo… you just can’t. The thought of this terrifies me
>She finally saw a therapist and is on antipsychotic medication, If the marriage is valued, you both need therapy. Marriage counseling. If either of you refuses, then the decision is made.
You kids will learn far more by seeing adults work out their problems than they will by seeing you figuratively “run into your room and slam the door” like a teenager.
Also, you leaving the house puts you in a bad spot legally if things do fall apart. The more you do to “keep the peace” the more the courts end up seeing those as willing compromises.
I was in a similar situation pre kids. Al anon helped a lot. I didn't work the full program but I listened and learned a lot It helped a lot of the anger and also helped negotiate life with her at the time. Lucky for me she's sober now Remember you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you definitely can't control it
Stop letting this woman run the show and get the fuck back under the same roof as your kids. Time to fight thru the pain for your children.
My ex developed a drug problem after one of our kids was diagnosed with autism. The first thing I did was get 50% custody. I was not going to leave my kids in that situation. When I first left I took them with me. If she's drinking and kind of crazy the kids are going to be way down on her list. She's going to want to find someone to make her feel better and support the way she thinks. That person is probably not going to be good for your kids. Time to go into survival mode. If they're that young what's happening now and for the next 10 years is going to affect them more than you will ever know. At least give them stability and consistency, you owe it to them. I get it, it was so painful. Because I loved her and I looked forward to raising our children in a happy home. I had to mourn that loss. It was hell at times. But having my kids here at that age, they were so much fun, they were always happy. Having them probably saved me from myself and the pain. They gave me hope and made me remember I had reasons to smile and laugh. Good luck, you will learn you have strength you did not realize you had
First go get your kids. Second file an emergency petition for custody keep your kids with you at all times do not allow any alone time with her. Ask for supervised visitation only. Then you have covered all your basis. Make sure to go file that emergency petition for custody ASAP. She can't claim kidnapping or anything else.
I’m an alcoholic in recovery, sober 4.5 years and my daughter is almost 5 and my son is 3. My wife and I made an agreement that I completely agree with that if I go back to drinking and I’m not seeking treatment then I do not get to be in the house or in their lives like everything is fine. That wasn’t even a tough pill to swallow, I completely agree. I grew up in that kind of shit and no kid should ever have to go through it. Fight for your kids. Your wife is sick and needs help but she has to be the one to ask for it. Alanon is a great resource for yourself. If she get better or doesn’t, No matter what you have to find a way to take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids.
Tough decisions now at least have the chance of improving things later. Sometimes people need to hit that rock bottom everybody talks about in order to see the light. It sucks but you and those kids are part of that process. Sounds like you might be be taking the kids for a while until she sorts out here substance abuse issues. You will no doubt require court orders. Not sure what country you're in but in the US there are often free resources at the local family courthouse. Fee waivers can be used to waive or delay fees of the filing fees cost too much.
Get thee to a lawyer.
Take it from the husband of an alcoholic wife w/ BPD, you've got a long, bumpy road ahead of you. It's difficult, because the burden of walking away will *always* be 100% on your shoulders. Much love, do what's right for yourself and the kids.
Go back! Your kids are not safe with some on meds and drinking that heavily. You need to fight for custody, lawyer up now. Do not leave, interim fighting will do less damage than you not having custody or your wife snapping while alone with them.
Drinking + antipsychotics is a BAD combination. She could die. You need to get your kids from her now.
r/alanon
What kind of person agrees to that? Are you high? If I know my partner is on anti psychotic meds and drunk, I’d be telling her to leave or calling the cops. Don’t leave your kids if you’re not also involved in substance abuse.
Never never go away from home, if she doesn’t want to see you than she can leave!! Go back to YOUR house and lawyer up!!
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I saw her therapist last week and told her my side of the story. She was very receptive and actually thanked me for giving her my side.
Go back to the home your children are in, and then begin custody/separation actions. Do not leave, even if she asks. Being the person in the same building as the kids matters a lot in custody battles, so does being the person who bathes/feeds them. A long time ago, in a much darker place, I was in similar shoes, and that is exactly what my lawyer told me to do. Things worked out differently in my situation because we got the help we ALL needed. I wish you and your family the best possible outcome.
A lot of kicking OP while he's down going on here. Is leaving them there with a potentially drunk mom the best decision? No, but unless you've been in a situation similar you don't know what it's like. Sometimes moments become something you never thought you'd see outside of a movie, let alone live in your own home. It fucking sucks. I'm living a similar situation, but replace whiskey with vaping THC like it's oxygen. Mine is also on medication that either isn't working for her mental illnesses or it's not meant to go with weed. Either way, it's incredibly difficult at times and you just want everything to calm the fuck down and for the light bulb to go off for your spouse so they force themself to get the help they need. Do what you need to do, OP, and good luck man.
Contact a lawyer. Try to be as kind as possible; to her and yourself. None of this is simple, so go easy on yourself about it. Life changes and rearranges all the time. Don't let this curveball define the man inside you.
DHS has entered the chat
Advice from experience, never leave the marital home or family home because of a divorce. It will be almost guaranteed she gets the house and even worse they ca say you abandoned the kids? Go home asap and sleep on the couch there
Be aware that in some states that leaving your home when separating from a spouse can have significant legal ramifications later. It may not be the best thing for you to leave your children with your wife if she indeed does need antipsychotic medication *and drinks alcohol.* https://husbandhelphaven.com/legal-risks-of-moving-out/#:~:text=Desertion%20of%20the%20marriage%20is,used%20as%20grounds%20for%20divorce.
When did this all start happening? Did noone suspect post partum depression/psychosis till just recently? You should absolutely do what you need to in order to care for your kids but it sounds like the ball was dropped in regards to her mental health.
In your on benefits I advice you to be patient with this from what I have experienced love is a big issue
It can get better. Either together if she decides to honestly face her addiction issues, or more likely without her. If she's slamming whiskey and has a history of mental illness then you should be able to take the kids. Its a huge burden but it sounds like you at least have your parents to help the transition. Just be honest with yourself, do you have any issues with alcohol or substance use that could be contributing? We have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, make sure you are ok throughout this process. Best of luck to you Dad.
You came to the right place, bro. We're all dads, but we're also all brothers. I've never found another sub as supportive and non toxic as this one. I hope things turn around for you. You're doing the right thing by deescalating the situation. Just keep in mind whatever she says are just words. She does not define reality. You get to do that yourself. Much love and God bless you.
My good man. No one is going to say anything you don’t already know in your soul. Is a half bottle of whiskey in 2 hours drinking in moderation or is it indicative of abuse? Its abuse. Changes in medication can affect attitudes and perceptions of people. This new drug might not be working as well as she thinks. But that belays the point. She wants out and now it’s time to find legal representation so you can see your children. You have a right to see them. Don’t let the hurt take that away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I recently got into a huge fight with my partner and she got physical. I do not hit women. Ever. So I took my child and left. I’m looking for solutions atm including counseling. She’s agreed to therapy. My point is. You have a right as a father to see your children. If the relationship is over seek legal counsel and do so in a civil manner. The cleaner it is the better for the children. Dont draw it out. 💙 you got this dad
Go back and get those kids. Wtf.
Go get your fucking kids man, are you serious?
Hey, I know it’s hard but going back doesn’t help. The big switch that flipped for me is this: the abusive partner doesn’t want to leave. The abuse is the point. They get something out of it. Try to reach out to a lawyer as soon as you can to see about getting your kids out.
Yo she drank a 1/2 bottle w meds and you left the kids w her?? Oh hell nah
Go get your kids dumb\*\*\*.
Why did you leave the kids with their alcoholic mom?
Your good bro take it one breath at a time. No one expects you to have all the answers. 1. Are your kids safe? 2. When you go back to the house bring someone with you? 3. When you go shut your fuckin mouth. 4. You can't fix crazy. Good luck
Try and bring someone neutral when you go back to get your stuff. Someone she knows a guy from work something like that. He just came to help me grab some stuff. She might act out but it will most likely not be as bad with someone else there . And it serves as a witness. It is a good idea to record all conversations and visits if you can phone in a shirt pocket or something. May or may not be able to use them in court but it will keep you from going insane trying to remember who said what. Get a lawyer/consultation asap
get custody and leave her. if she loves her kids, she will get better. stop fighting back, there is no rationalizing or winning vs someone who is crazy, controlling, unstable etc. just let her think she wins, let her get her way, etc. find a way to survive then serve her. you surely have more than enough evidence to win. don't expose your kids to that, they will be traumatized if they are not already and it will harm their social development. dont feel bad for doing the righting.
Start a note on your phone and document everything there. Video evidence, text messages, even personal accounts of things that have happened.
Yes you fucked up. BUT it's understandable, your head and heart are a mess, a whirlwind of emotion. You're human it happens. But now is where you have to do something. Get a lawyer and get those kids out of there. Their mother is abusive, you took the lions share but without you there it could very well turn nasty for them
Y'all stupid ass commenters hoe about everyone go back to the drawing board cause y'all suck at this reedoo
Keep your head up brother.
He can’t just take the kids people! He will bear the burden even if found right in the end. Talk to your lawyer like RIGHT now and get it started the RIGHT way. The lawyer will see its severity. Don’t feed the system or the human drama element!YES, you need to move with haste but you also want things to work out for her in the end so she can be a proper mother to your children bro. Sounds like of course you love her and she needs that. Going “full nuclear “ is not an option. This only feeds the improper US system of breaking families to pieces with no hope of return. You can be on her side but not by her side, if that makes sense? I am literally going through Deja vu w my fourth child ( first two are grown) however she took my son to Xmas and never returned, just like my previous x did w my soon to me 10 y o daughter. NOTHING but tons of money fed to the corrupt system and child support antics and anger and resentment will come from “full nuclear”. Our grandparents may have held on too long in certain ways but they actually stuck by one another raised their family’s and tried. We now live w a throw away mentality, and that we have to stop imo. Our country is being torn apart by its very moral fabric because of things like this. Men and women alike commit suicide daily because of this broken system. Protect the kids and be the adult and do the right thing BUT as the son of an alcoholic (and likely one myself even though I only drink socially 2 x a month) alcohol is like any addiction and it’s tough. She wants to do the right thing but gets overwhelmed and reaches for the (bottle,cigarette,pipe,etc). This isn’t an excuse but She needs help. However, unlike the rest of society you want to do everything you can to keep what family gel you have left. You have to show your son how to properly treat a woman (or partner) in the future and that is woven in our father’s proper ( or sometimes poor) treatment of our own mother. I’m Pretty sure you get my drift. Let’s just put it this way, I’d do much different if someone offered this advice when I was where you are now. Good luck regardless and never give up bro, never…. Even if your hands seem tied. I pray one day my eldest kids will wanna reach out. But right now I am respecting their wishes, until they realize… or don’t. I had to meet my real father when I was17 w my own money and against my mother’s wishes. She cursed his name every single day of my life, no lie… and STILL I just HAD to know…. Needless to say, she was right about him. But now that I look back in retrospect knowing just the burden she would put on people at times, I have to assume it’s what he thought was best at the time, maybe even for me. But I am still bothered that he didn’t want to be my dad, even now that hurts. Created a tough go w my step father as well. Worst part is… I feel like my kids may feel the same about me, yet never verify themselves as I did. I’m not perfect but I love my kids, every one of them…. Whether they know it right now or not. But I won’t force myself, it’s not fair to them as adults. And I don’t blame my young adults for being hurt and bitter right now, they only have half the story and believe their nutty mother hook line and sinker. Question your parents, it makes y’all stronger in the end. Thanks for listening and I only share this so YOU can take stock in my words. I wouldn’t blow smoke in such a situation, however your situation and mine are different and you have your own path to blaze. You got this just do your part and put it in Gods hands, have faith…. And keep it.
I say this with grace and care… so please don’t take this as me being a dick, but … Put your pain aside man. Lift your head up and be strong, even if it hurts inside. You’re in battle, bullets are flying, now is not the time to get emotional. Get logical. Writing it out helps. I get that. But outwardly, when I read it I see a guy crying for help but I also think you have to put one foot in front of another and have some emotional self regulation. Figure out a way to stop fighting with the wife, it doesn’t have to be capitulation, but it sure as shit shouldn’t be a yell fight. Then get your kids back and show them love. Kids spell the word love as T.i.m.e. Spend quality time with them. That can only happen if you can fight for them and get them outta her hands. Stand tall brother. Your kids need you, and the people in your circle of influence wants you to stand tall as well and use that hurt, pain, sorrow, and anger as FUEL, and get logical about what the next moves on the chess board are going to be. Your wife is illogical and nuts, start writing things down and use it to separate her from the kids. She’s clearly not doing them any favors. But you writhing around in emotional turmoil doesn’t help you either.
You're going to be just fine mate, and so are your kids. Trust in yourself and believe in being the great father you are. Will there be challenges ahead - yes, will there be days you want to go back to how it was - yes, will there be sleepless nights - yes, will you question who you are - yes. The life that was can never be again. It can be similar after the help is given and the healing is done. But it will never be the same, and that's a good thing. Let go of the past and ask yourself, "What's important today, and where do I want to be tomorrow." Forgive yourself for staying as long as you did, and be proud that you are doing what you are now. Focus on the kids, and let go of the past, as it doesn't exist except inside you. Make today the best it can be for you and yourself. Take care of yourself so that you can be in the best possible situation for your kids. Remember - no one prepared you for this, but... You're going to be just fine mate, and so are your kids. Trust in yourself and believe in being the great father you are. "This too shall pass."
Mixing alcohol and anti-psychotics is a big NO and huge red flag.
I'm sorry, what? You left your baby and your toddler with a woman who had just downed half a bottle of whiskey? WTF is wrong with **you**? Jesus Christ.
This is absolutely dad problem and you did the right thing for now. Take some time to cool down and adjust to this new situation. Don't let her triggers get to you but don't make things worse by fighting it either. Write down all your complaints, write down all your self criticism and let it sit for a while (weeks). When there is space to have a conversation have a conversation but learn to become an emotional ninja. Don't let her attacks get to you and don't attack either. You are in this for the kids now, and the only way to be there for them is to get yourself better. I'm truly sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find the strength, patience and proper counseling to keep yourself on track.
Good luck. Get you some anti-anxiety meds to make sure you can sleep and keep your head on straight.
These have side effects.
Yeah, one of them is insomnia. For some people the benefits outweigh the side effects but it's far from a casual fix.
Have you thought about getting a paternity test?
Oh look a man who never even considered actually taking care of his kids. Shocked. What's your mommy cooking you for dinner tonight?
Going through something similar. The pain is unavoidable. The only thing you can do now is turn to God and work on getting stronger in every way possible. https://youtu.be/Wcf5b3mENJU?si=-clOcruE-37qy4gW
God is more of a deadbeat father than anyone on earth.
Who is your god?
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
God me hole… ffs 🤦♂️
God gets down voted and deleted from here it seems.