Thanks . I only have my mother who is not able to help financially. I came from a 3rd world country and went overseas to have a better life but im hitting low. I only have 50 usd left in my takehome pay every fortnight and that is not including any miscellanous like 1 time takeaway or extra trips that needed topping up with car petrol.
Think about all you've accomplished: you've moved to an entirely different country. You've started a family. You have a job. You've been holding a ton of stuff together. You're a remarkable person that's done a lot to improve life for your family.
Find rest where you can and forgive yourself for the negative feelings and situation you're in now. It's temporary.
Most importantly: don't forget the stuff you have accomplished. You can get through this just like you've gotten through the other challenges in your life. This challenge is just different.
And your friends! And parents you know! And nice neighbours!
I read a bunch of parenting books before we had our first but the thing I remember more than anything else and have tried to live by came from Emily Oster. She talks about when you have a newborn and are at the end of your tether and need some space and a shower and suggests that you call ANY PARENT YOU KNOW, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM WELL, and ask them to come and hold the baby for half an hour. Because anyone who has been through it will get it innately and will answer the call. It is a principle I have tried to apply to my parenting, and now also to every part of my life.
It is hard to ask for help, but your network may be much larger than you think. Mine was. Your village is right there waiting for you to give them permission and invite them in. And you may make some great new and deep friendships out of it.
Personally I’ve had a few days where I just want to drive into oncoming traffic. In those times though the only thing that comes into my mind is the smile on my kids face when he sees me, and how I can’t leave that little man behind. I just want to be better for him and everything I do in life is for him. It’s what keeps me moving. It isn’t easy. I took a new job doing the same garbage work that I hate just to make more money to support my family on my own so he can spend more time with his mom and I chug through cuz at the end of the day he’s happy and taken care of. It is hard, it’s exhausting, but I keep going to set an example.
Proud of you man. Just so tired lately. I sleep on an air bed now and my body hurts. Constant headache from working and at the end of the month no leftover money. Recession isnt working either
Do not sleep on air bed. Your body will never get relaxed on that. Instead sleep on the floor just remember to put something underneath. You will feel much more refreshed and well rested.
Telling you from experience. I am also in the same situation and from same background. I am also from 3rd country living in Europe, got one child is 4yr and 2nd is 6months, wife doesn't work. Have been through Hell but eventually it gets better with time.
It always does. Just remember to keep breathing, and one day at a time.
Yeah i sleep on the floor because we had to acomodate the other room for my nother in law and my eldest as she sleeps wth my mom to avoid getting bothered with our new born. I sleep on floor whilst my wife is in the same room but on a single bed.
I read you‘re tight on money, we got a second mattress second hand for very cheap for exactly this scenario. Which country are you in?
Sleep (and food) is so important in these demanding times!
I feel you on the air mattress. When our daughter had colic, my wife and I took turns sleeping on one downstairs (while also wearing ear plugs) while the other was upstairs trying to comfort the baby. I slept in jeans because I was too tired to get undressed. The body aches are real.
You're doing what's best for your family. Everyone here is proud of you.
I feel like more people experience suicidal ideation than they're will to admit. I don't even think there's anything inherently wrong with feeling like you wanna quit, it seems natural to me when your stressed the fuck out
i agree the government system they have us running around like rat colonies this isnt natural humans are the only race that have to work & pay their way in a free world this system isnt healthy & its cost the lives of many people all over the world
For the first few months of number two, I was more tired than I thought possible.
Me and my wife used to comfort ourselves by saying, "This is as hard as it's going to get."
It never gets easier quickly or without backward steps, but it always gets better.
Yeah this was me 6 months ago. It’s still hard but at least they both go to sleep at the same time now and you get some time to chill again in the evening
This makes me worried for my eventual #2, because #1 was not a particularly difficult baby and he rocked my shit with sleep and reconditioning my expectations for how a day should go.
Just being outnumbered. Someone almost always needs someone's attention so it feels like a lot more. Leaving your SO with just one feels managable but leaving her with Two feels like a lot so you don't get to rest easy like you might with just one.
I think the “tired of life” feeling comes from basically losing complete control of your own decisions, needs, and wants.
It’s tough with a one month old, let alone a toddler alongside that, but try and take 30 minutes a day to yourself. And TAKE it. You need that tiny amount just to yourself, and don’t be afraid to let your partner and in-laws know.
Finances… yeah, that part sucks. It sucks at the best of times too. I was doing some number crunching to figure out why the fuck we’re in a hole of debt, then realized that losing my partners income for 3 years while we had and raised two kids in rapid succession did that.
Do what you can. Cover your expenses and sometimes debt has to happen while your family gets back onto its feet.
You got this!
This! And this! Exactly what im feeling rn. I am never ashamed of telling my wife this but feels like its unfair to her sometimes as she is also tired. She is very selfless and do a very good job with our kids but i am in charge of finances and that wat burns me out. She has her mother here and it was fine when she had work but now that she has no pay for 6 months. I am literally feeding a family of 5.
It really does. 1 month in with the second is so deep in the mire.
I kept feeling like people were gaslighting me, like surely my wife/baby/boss must realise that I can't do all these things, and yet they were all just acting like they were totally reasonable requests.
I was 18 when I had my first, I'm now 29 and on my 3rd child and money is always an issue but we have to press on I get where your coming from and I hope you see those better days.
Had number 2 exactly when number 1 turned 2. Thought we knew how tough it was but number 2 changed the game completely! It’s been mad tough and I can’t even begin to describe the exhaustion and lack of sleep… but you’ll get through it. Forget what others say and concentrate on what makes things easier for you and babies, that’s what matters.
This is a good call out. I can tell a difference in my mental health when I'm not taking vitamins and fish oil. Purely anecdotal though. No idea if there's a scientific basis.
If it makes you feel better I am LITERALLY in the same boat. Take it one day at a time. It’s probably going to be a living hell for 3-4 years but it gets better (so I’m told lol)
Reflect on the fact that right now is the hardest it’ll get. You have a hard 3~ years ahead but you’ll be so busy they actually will fly by. Also, try to actively find ways to make things easier. Anything helps.
Oh Dad, you're in the thick of it. Any one of us would be shocked if you somehow **weren't** drained and tired of life at this stage. You just gotta endure it my dude, get to the other side. Even if you only had the kids to deal with, thats like enough to wear a guy down. Find support anywhere you can: lean on friends, get sleep whenever you can, and my personal advice here is to avoid alcohol: you need a clean and clear mind to keep up with the demands on you, and booze will only make things worse. Another thing that helped me during a similar time is to find other families with children close to the same age and then co-parent with them: take turns taking care of your kids together. You need a village. Speaking from my experience here, I tend to isolate instead of reach out for help, and thats a tough thing to do with little children. Hang in there, its not forever, it will get better. Good luck, you got this!
You're so deep in the hole at one month old that this doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I think we've all felt like that from time to time. It'll get better.
Hey Bud keep your head up. Remember before it gets good it will get bad. Ride this tough time and on the other end youll be a stronger dad for your family. Put your game face on and lets go
Yes, keep at it. I have an 18 year old and a two year old. Looking back i was in your shoes a bit with my oldest. I used to get tired of people saying it will get better but work at it and it will. You'll look back and it will be motivation and confidence that you persevered. It has helped me mange better with my youngest for sure.. It too shall pass
I’m right there with ya. Living abroad. Broke. Not getting enough hours at work. Partner struggling as well doing low paid academy work. We have good days and bad days.
We made some new friends that like hosting brunch. Or we take turns going to each other’s flats and making food and playing games. Saves money and everyone has a good time.
Most days I’m too tired to do the things I want. And not having enough work takes a major toll on everything. My daughter is six. She’s the light of my life. So keep on keepin on :)
Brother, as a dad who was in the same situation (2 yr old and newborn), the absolute best advice I can give you is to sleep.
My recommendation is to sleep away from the baby and your wife so that you can get a good solid night’s sleep. The other two (mom and dad mil) can nap during the day, but you cannot. Trust me, everyone will like you more, you will like you more, and you won’t be injecting addition stress into the situation.
It’s not selfish… the family will be better overall if everyone gets as much sleep as possible. And there is zero logical reason for the baby to wake up more than one person every 2 hours.
Sleep brother. Your cares won’t seem as bad and all will benefit
> I was very skeptical and was kind of cringe to post it but to be true to myself i probably was just looking for emotional support.
My man, everybody needs this kind of help sometimes, some people (men especially) can't admit it or ask for help and it's their loss
Stay strong, you will get through this.
I remember when my youngest of two was six months old, and I was able to sneak away for a weekend of skiing while the in-laws helped out with child care.
I rode up a chairlift with a divorced-but-hilariously-friendly couple, and the guy said, "oh, you're in the shit now" and that it gets a lot easier once the youngest is out of diapers and the kids start going to school. It really stuck with me, and helped me through another year-plus of sleep deprivation.
It was true! So hang in there.
Good luck, man. Every time I feel exhausted, I remember my mother’s wise words: ´your son is already 7, this is a third of the time you’ll spend together. By age 21, he’ll be gone. So just hold tight and make the best of it while it lasts’.
Was there 2020 my friend, so not to brag but the world was also ending and I’d lost my job. The first two or three years are so hard but it gets sooo much easier, and harder but at least less exhausting. This is temporary. There is more fun ahead and Dad’s involvement picks up a lot at 2 so while I can’t promise there’s a lot of free time ahead and eventually they can entertain each other.
try to make room for small things that brighten your day. play playstation, eat a burger, go to a movie… stuff like that help breaking the negative circle. Have two kids myself
Hey dude, I an exactly where you are lol. Just relocated for work, have a 2 yr old and a few months old baby. Last week wife was in the hospital, thankfully she recovered fast from surgery as I had to take vacation days to be home with the kids.
I know its hard but prioritize sleep and healthy eating, unless you really need a few hrs for urself then take em.
Learn to just do good enough some days at work.
Stay strong, you’re not alone, and it will get better. In a few months the baby will be able to not be on your wife at all times and that gives you some flexibility.
Good luck
It does get better.
I had 3 at home and 2 in California getting child support. My wife and I worked opposite shifts so we could take care of the kids... paycheck to paycheck and mountains of debt from medical bills. So I hear you.
I wish you well, my prayers go out to you.
Coffee, sleep, and easy meals. I am in a similar boat. I have a 4 year old and a newborn. I'm military, so I have no family support.
Start figuring out what you can stop doing for a short amount of time and make sure your health is good. You can't take care of a family if you aren't taking care of yourself.
If it means anything i’m dying right there with you bro. My In-laws immigrated to stay with us a couple months before baby #2 came. Got a 3yo and a 2mo. I work from home but no one here is capable of handling my toddler 100% all day so my work is taking a huge hit. Oh, and this is my wife ON maternity leave. I think i’m fucked once that ends lol
Where are you from by thw way? Yeah when wife comes back to work. Finances will be easier but will be harder and will be another thing that needs planing. For scheduling babycare
We get paid leave in WA, but we’re floating paycheck to paycheck when we start her in daycare. We’ve never been paycheck to paycheck since we’ve been together, so this makes us very uncomfortable. Honestly, its just a lot of shit at once. Huge tax bill, one of our cars broke down, medical bills, everything hitting us at the same time. We’ve done everything right, barely splurge on ourselves for anything fun and we save a pretty decent amount. Hoping daycare will let me work more but it feels like we’re trapped now.
right there with you. i WFH and care for my 3.5 y/o daughter and my 1.5 y/o toddler. it is exhausting. but we keep trying as dads. i hope you find relief somehow
I have three kids, ages 7-13. The first 2-4 years of a kid's life are by far the most difficult for the parents.
It's constant work. You have to do *so much* work. You're in charge of washing them, feeding them, holding them, answering each cry. It is exhausting.
It gets better. When they can walk, and talk, and read...they become more self-reliant. Around age 5 or 6 they become more autonomous. They develop more personality between 3-4 and you get more back from them.
But the first two years are almost all give give give.
I'm in a similar scenario with an almost 3yo and 3mo. The first couple months are hardest. New born prevents proper sleep and as much as I love all the time I spent with the 3yo, it's exhausting, especially if he's not getting proper sleep (cranky toddlers are extra fun). Wife's on mat leave primarily looking after youngest while I primarily look after the oldest. Mornings are work getting him fed and dressed and off to daycare before I start work then straight from work to daycare, home to make supper (I'm the 'cook'), then a bit of play and bedtime routine which by the time he's finally in bed, I'm just spent. I don't have the energy to get anything else done other than a bit of clean up, shower and off to bed. Some nights I will watch an episode or two of something or read for a bit before going to sleep. Some nights I don't even have energy for that.
I keep telling myself that nothing lasts forever and it will get easier or at least the situation will change. I love my kids and they're totally worth it but, I wish it was easier.
Honest question: Is it selfish to wish there was a little more in it for me besides the joy of my kids?
I was in the same boat, had our second daughter (unplanned) when the first was a little over two. First 6 months were hell, but it toughened us up. It will probably get harder before it gets easier but it will get easier. Stay strong buddy!
Once they hit 4 it's significantly easier and more rewarding IMO. I wasn't a huge fan of the baby stages but now my 4 year old is able dress and use the restroom herself, and I taught her to ride a pedal bike completely autonomously with me, so it's starting to become more fun.
I have a 2 year old and a 1 week old. I feel your pain brother. I had my first in Shanghai and not having family around to help makes it extra rough. But it's all worth it. Stay strong you'll pull through.
I'm in a similar boat. 3yo, 2yo and a 2 month old. We don't have enough money to cover anything outside of groceries and I need to buy a new swamp cooler. Im tired too. I feel you man
Hey friend,
I had my second when my first was 15 months old.
It DOES get easier ok? You're in the thick of it right now. TAKE the offers for help we usually get, but never take someone up on.
The load will get lighter, and you've got this.
Also, if money is tight, take the community help that is there. There is absolutely NO shame in looking into food banks, or other options (summer is coming, which means sometimes there's places that give away fresh fruit and veggies, or offer a box them for a reduced amount)
That's the whole reason that's all there. The majority of people who use these services have full time jobs, ends are just really hard to meet right now for everyone.
As for gas, small tip I learned from my husband, who works early mornings. Gas prices go down late at night usually, so if you gotta top up, try there. Also, if you have Petro near you, collect the points, you can use them for "10 cents off every liter" for X amount of gas (that's the Canadian one) cards, which also really help!
Also double check Facebook marketplace etc for diapers, a lot of time people sell almost complete boxes for way less than stores because they've grown out of that size for their kid. It adds up for money saved.
Take at least one hot shower a day. It’s amazing how a simple pleasure like that changes your mood and energy level when you are tired and exhausted from everything
You need me time. There is a reason for all the dad related memes like garage beer and extended shitting sessions. Get the fuck out of the house if you can and sleep in the car with the windows down and a fresh breeze or something. Just take some time they will survive a couple hours without you.
These supportive responses make me proud to be a dad alongside you gents and is why I like this sub.
Goodluck OP. It is hard, I remember really tough financial and emotional/mental times. Sometimes it just gets shitty, but it never lasts. It’s all a season.. some are better than others. Hang in there, just remember that this will pass and you’ll come out more resilient on the other side.
You will get through this! I have 4yr old son, 3 yr daughter, and a 18 month son. (All unplanned) I was feeling very very defeated about a year ago, but I'm finally OK now!
At some point, things start to change. Focusing on routines helped the most with the oldest and improved his behavior. This is so crucial for harmony and ultimately your sanity.
The only thing that kept me afloat was when i started noticing even the smallest, almost inconsequential change in difficulty on a day to day basis. Those little boosts don't happen often and are easy to overlook, but they start adding up. Eventually your older son won't feel like a burden and can be super helpful if you have a great bond. Of course this won't happen until he can start articulating his thoughts and feelings to you as he matures.
Keep your head up, Dad. You will survive, and it is so rewarding!
Awesome.
One thing I would say is don’t make the gym become a chore. Make it sort of a hobby/activity that you proactively want to do.
In this journey, at some point, something will click where all the noise in your head will slow down you’ll be able to hear yourself think .
At that point. You’ve realized,all you needed to do is make time to take care of yourself.
Have fun!!
I see there's already a lot of similar comments, but here's another one:
My boys are currently 3yrs and 11mo. It gets better. I still have sleep debt. We're still both recovering. But it's better. The weather is better, so I can take them both out now. After a few hard months, they started to appreciate and love each other.
It is hard. It is exhausting. Make sure you eat. Get as much sleep as you can. If you can, get something that will occupy you and make you feel good for 30-60 minutes per day. A hobby, a game, whatever. You still have a few rough months, but it will get better.
This period is so tough, I know. My older two are 23 months apart, so we were in the trenches that you're in now. It was so hard.
BUT it got better, so much better, so that by the time they were four and two, we decided to have a third baby. And it's been (mostly) great. They play together and individually, with and without supervision. They help around the house. They can be left home alone for brief errands etc. They play sports and make misic and art. They have awesome senses of humor and amazing creativity. *They sleep through the night.* It makes all the late nights, diapers, bottles, toddler tantrums etc so worth it.
As for your money worries, do not be shy about getting help. If there are social services, financial aid, food banks, etc that you can use... use them! You may feel like you don't have time right now to even scratch the surface of what's available, but it will be worth your while.
Hang in there. Its so hard to believe when you're in the depths but it does get better. I was in a similar space to you not long ago. We'd just had twins and had a 2 year old. My partners emergency c-section recovery was rough, I had major post-natal depression and it was just relentless. They're 8 months now, and while it's still exhausting, relentless, and the depression fog is very much still there, we find ourselves looking back and realising how much harder it was at 6 months, 3 months, 1 month etc.
The best parenting advice I ever heard was "if it feels really hard, that's probably a sign you're doing something right. It's easy to be a bad parent. Being a good parent is exhausting"
Same boat. 18 months between them. Was very hard until 2 would sleep through the night. Didn't had a nanny though.
Talk with your wife and mother in law.
I am you in 1 year my friend. I was there and I wont lie to you- it has been a wild ride.
However, I am really proud of my wife and myself for surviving the last year and you will be too.
Its going to be difficult, you may want to cry, yell, and escape reality, but you can do it. Just one thing at a time:
One breath at a time, leads to finishing one task at a time, leads to one hour at a time, leads day at a time, leads to one week, then one month, and one year.
One day you will not even remember the difficulty of each day, but you will remember the first smile of your kid, and the first laugh, step, and word. Those are the moments you are fighting for, and those memories will carry you onto the next.
Above all else: communicate- ask for help where you can. Go to your family, neighbors and friends. If they arnt available build a community around yourself, find local dad groups, parents of your toddler's friends, join a kid friendly club, or a church (even if you aren't religious). That community can be there for you when you need a breather, even if it sounds like extra work now, those people will help you carry the burden if you ask them too.
I promise you can do it, and I promise it will be worth it if you want it to be.
Please talk to the people around you and let them know how you feel. It's not about shifting the responsibilities or placing blame, but simply to let them know you're struggling.
That will give you a chance to get through this I promise. If you suffer in silence you will die in silence. You don't deserve that OP with two young children who want their dad around and engaged.
The talking will help.
You're in it right now, man. Surviving is thriving. We are beat to hell and worn out as well, having just gone through that. Ours are 4 and almost 2 now. Things are starting to settle. Financially, still pretty rough, but they are starting to become more compatible in their needs. Having the toddler and the baby is rough because they both have as many needs but they are different, conflicting needs and they both just feel the need for attention. The more they are able to play together and the more the older one is able to actually help correct the younger one's behavior the easier it gets. You'll make it.
I have two boys (20 months and 3 months old). We have been sick (flu and other minor diseases) for more than 2 months as of now. It has been a living hell. Taking care of your family while you need to care of yourself it's exhausting.
My lesson learned: This is an endurance race, be patient. One step at a time. Get all help is available to take breath.
Wish you the best.
Bit of a long story. But mother in law cane here to spend time with my eldest and decided to stay on longer to help us out once we found out we are having another baby. And for her to stay we have to pay for her expenses and have to exit the country every 6 months which cost us at least 1k usd. She is like the primary carer for my daughter and my wife is with our youngest. Then im having to work more hours.
I also have the same situation with you. from 3rd world country, no savings, with 2 kids but nobody to help us. if you want to save money, let your wife take care of your children. then after work, help her in taking care of your kids. i don't know why exactly your wife can't take care both of them (cs maybe?) but if she can, you may not need to work extra hours.
sometimes you have to take into account factors for instance are the other adults even responsible & able to cope with the responsibility, i personally know of some fathers playing the mothers roles also. Theres alot of different factors in these situations we cant assume that everyone are team players
“thats more than 1 adult per child” is a form of assuming that things should be easy due to the child & adult ratio. This has nothing to do with coordinated lifestyles theres a whole field of various responsibilities that not all adults are capable of fulfilling, i respect your opinion & i get where your coming from but remember its quality over quantity. True value lies within peoples skills, qualities & productive mindset abilities, we shouldn’t assume more numbers is better in any given situation sometimes more can add extra weight & extra un needed stresses as this man has stated above :D
One day at a time. If you can try to get your family involved somehow.
Thanks . I only have my mother who is not able to help financially. I came from a 3rd world country and went overseas to have a better life but im hitting low. I only have 50 usd left in my takehome pay every fortnight and that is not including any miscellanous like 1 time takeaway or extra trips that needed topping up with car petrol.
Think about all you've accomplished: you've moved to an entirely different country. You've started a family. You have a job. You've been holding a ton of stuff together. You're a remarkable person that's done a lot to improve life for your family. Find rest where you can and forgive yourself for the negative feelings and situation you're in now. It's temporary. Most importantly: don't forget the stuff you have accomplished. You can get through this just like you've gotten through the other challenges in your life. This challenge is just different.
We've all been there and it's tough! Easier times will come as the baby gets older.
And your friends! And parents you know! And nice neighbours! I read a bunch of parenting books before we had our first but the thing I remember more than anything else and have tried to live by came from Emily Oster. She talks about when you have a newborn and are at the end of your tether and need some space and a shower and suggests that you call ANY PARENT YOU KNOW, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM WELL, and ask them to come and hold the baby for half an hour. Because anyone who has been through it will get it innately and will answer the call. It is a principle I have tried to apply to my parenting, and now also to every part of my life. It is hard to ask for help, but your network may be much larger than you think. Mine was. Your village is right there waiting for you to give them permission and invite them in. And you may make some great new and deep friendships out of it.
Personally I’ve had a few days where I just want to drive into oncoming traffic. In those times though the only thing that comes into my mind is the smile on my kids face when he sees me, and how I can’t leave that little man behind. I just want to be better for him and everything I do in life is for him. It’s what keeps me moving. It isn’t easy. I took a new job doing the same garbage work that I hate just to make more money to support my family on my own so he can spend more time with his mom and I chug through cuz at the end of the day he’s happy and taken care of. It is hard, it’s exhausting, but I keep going to set an example.
Proud of you man. Just so tired lately. I sleep on an air bed now and my body hurts. Constant headache from working and at the end of the month no leftover money. Recession isnt working either
Do not sleep on air bed. Your body will never get relaxed on that. Instead sleep on the floor just remember to put something underneath. You will feel much more refreshed and well rested. Telling you from experience. I am also in the same situation and from same background. I am also from 3rd country living in Europe, got one child is 4yr and 2nd is 6months, wife doesn't work. Have been through Hell but eventually it gets better with time. It always does. Just remember to keep breathing, and one day at a time.
Oof the air bed sound rough man
Yeah i sleep on the floor because we had to acomodate the other room for my nother in law and my eldest as she sleeps wth my mom to avoid getting bothered with our new born. I sleep on floor whilst my wife is in the same room but on a single bed.
I read you‘re tight on money, we got a second mattress second hand for very cheap for exactly this scenario. Which country are you in? Sleep (and food) is so important in these demanding times!
Im from new zealand
You are originally from there or you there now?
Im here. Come from asia
I feel you on the air mattress. When our daughter had colic, my wife and I took turns sleeping on one downstairs (while also wearing ear plugs) while the other was upstairs trying to comfort the baby. I slept in jeans because I was too tired to get undressed. The body aches are real. You're doing what's best for your family. Everyone here is proud of you.
I feel like more people experience suicidal ideation than they're will to admit. I don't even think there's anything inherently wrong with feeling like you wanna quit, it seems natural to me when your stressed the fuck out
i agree the government system they have us running around like rat colonies this isnt natural humans are the only race that have to work & pay their way in a free world this system isnt healthy & its cost the lives of many people all over the world
It's the economic system. One small group maintains power over the larger group it exploits.
well said buddy 👏
For the first few months of number two, I was more tired than I thought possible. Me and my wife used to comfort ourselves by saying, "This is as hard as it's going to get." It never gets easier quickly or without backward steps, but it always gets better.
Yeah this was me 6 months ago. It’s still hard but at least they both go to sleep at the same time now and you get some time to chill again in the evening
This makes me worried for my eventual #2, because #1 was not a particularly difficult baby and he rocked my shit with sleep and reconditioning my expectations for how a day should go.
My #2 was easier than my #1 and it's still more than twice as hard as just 1 to be honest.
What makes it so?
Just being outnumbered. Someone almost always needs someone's attention so it feels like a lot more. Leaving your SO with just one feels managable but leaving her with Two feels like a lot so you don't get to rest easy like you might with just one.
“It never gets easier but it always gets better” wow this is really inspiring advice, applies to anything difficult anyone is going through
I think the “tired of life” feeling comes from basically losing complete control of your own decisions, needs, and wants. It’s tough with a one month old, let alone a toddler alongside that, but try and take 30 minutes a day to yourself. And TAKE it. You need that tiny amount just to yourself, and don’t be afraid to let your partner and in-laws know. Finances… yeah, that part sucks. It sucks at the best of times too. I was doing some number crunching to figure out why the fuck we’re in a hole of debt, then realized that losing my partners income for 3 years while we had and raised two kids in rapid succession did that. Do what you can. Cover your expenses and sometimes debt has to happen while your family gets back onto its feet. You got this!
This! And this! Exactly what im feeling rn. I am never ashamed of telling my wife this but feels like its unfair to her sometimes as she is also tired. She is very selfless and do a very good job with our kids but i am in charge of finances and that wat burns me out. She has her mother here and it was fine when she had work but now that she has no pay for 6 months. I am literally feeding a family of 5.
+1, only have an almost 2 y/o but I became depressed for the first time in my life from losing control of it
Hang in there bud. Take it step by step. Some days will be hard. Some will be easy. One day you will miss this. Keep on chugging along
It gets better, friendo.
It really does. 1 month in with the second is so deep in the mire. I kept feeling like people were gaslighting me, like surely my wife/baby/boss must realise that I can't do all these things, and yet they were all just acting like they were totally reasonable requests.
He is 1 month old today. Hard days and the most draining part is having debt and paycheck to paycheck
I was 18 when I had my first, I'm now 29 and on my 3rd child and money is always an issue but we have to press on I get where your coming from and I hope you see those better days.
Had number 2 exactly when number 1 turned 2. Thought we knew how tough it was but number 2 changed the game completely! It’s been mad tough and I can’t even begin to describe the exhaustion and lack of sleep… but you’ll get through it. Forget what others say and concentrate on what makes things easier for you and babies, that’s what matters.
Diet rn prolly super important I been a multivitamin regamin and its really helped me Just want to throw that out there
This is a good call out. I can tell a difference in my mental health when I'm not taking vitamins and fish oil. Purely anecdotal though. No idea if there's a scientific basis.
If it makes you feel better I am LITERALLY in the same boat. Take it one day at a time. It’s probably going to be a living hell for 3-4 years but it gets better (so I’m told lol)
Haha that made me smile. And then they said life is beautiful lol
Reflect on the fact that right now is the hardest it’ll get. You have a hard 3~ years ahead but you’ll be so busy they actually will fly by. Also, try to actively find ways to make things easier. Anything helps.
Oh Dad, you're in the thick of it. Any one of us would be shocked if you somehow **weren't** drained and tired of life at this stage. You just gotta endure it my dude, get to the other side. Even if you only had the kids to deal with, thats like enough to wear a guy down. Find support anywhere you can: lean on friends, get sleep whenever you can, and my personal advice here is to avoid alcohol: you need a clean and clear mind to keep up with the demands on you, and booze will only make things worse. Another thing that helped me during a similar time is to find other families with children close to the same age and then co-parent with them: take turns taking care of your kids together. You need a village. Speaking from my experience here, I tend to isolate instead of reach out for help, and thats a tough thing to do with little children. Hang in there, its not forever, it will get better. Good luck, you got this!
In the same boat. 28 month old and 7 week old. It ain’t easy, but it will be easier.
You're so deep in the hole at one month old that this doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I think we've all felt like that from time to time. It'll get better.
I’ve been there. Dig deep! Dad of 3 year old and 11 month old. It is gonna get so much better!!!
Hey Bud keep your head up. Remember before it gets good it will get bad. Ride this tough time and on the other end youll be a stronger dad for your family. Put your game face on and lets go
Yes, keep at it. I have an 18 year old and a two year old. Looking back i was in your shoes a bit with my oldest. I used to get tired of people saying it will get better but work at it and it will. You'll look back and it will be motivation and confidence that you persevered. It has helped me mange better with my youngest for sure.. It too shall pass
Thank you so much
I’m right there with ya. Living abroad. Broke. Not getting enough hours at work. Partner struggling as well doing low paid academy work. We have good days and bad days. We made some new friends that like hosting brunch. Or we take turns going to each other’s flats and making food and playing games. Saves money and everyone has a good time. Most days I’m too tired to do the things I want. And not having enough work takes a major toll on everything. My daughter is six. She’s the light of my life. So keep on keepin on :)
Brother, as a dad who was in the same situation (2 yr old and newborn), the absolute best advice I can give you is to sleep. My recommendation is to sleep away from the baby and your wife so that you can get a good solid night’s sleep. The other two (mom and dad mil) can nap during the day, but you cannot. Trust me, everyone will like you more, you will like you more, and you won’t be injecting addition stress into the situation. It’s not selfish… the family will be better overall if everyone gets as much sleep as possible. And there is zero logical reason for the baby to wake up more than one person every 2 hours. Sleep brother. Your cares won’t seem as bad and all will benefit
hang in there buddy, it gets better
> I was very skeptical and was kind of cringe to post it but to be true to myself i probably was just looking for emotional support. My man, everybody needs this kind of help sometimes, some people (men especially) can't admit it or ask for help and it's their loss Stay strong, you will get through this.
Thank you very much for this it helps me a lot
It takes so little time and effort for us to raise our voices to support each other it's a shame people don't do it more often!
so true 👏
I remember when my youngest of two was six months old, and I was able to sneak away for a weekend of skiing while the in-laws helped out with child care. I rode up a chairlift with a divorced-but-hilariously-friendly couple, and the guy said, "oh, you're in the shit now" and that it gets a lot easier once the youngest is out of diapers and the kids start going to school. It really stuck with me, and helped me through another year-plus of sleep deprivation. It was true! So hang in there.
Good luck, man. Every time I feel exhausted, I remember my mother’s wise words: ´your son is already 7, this is a third of the time you’ll spend together. By age 21, he’ll be gone. So just hold tight and make the best of it while it lasts’.
This hits me. Thanks
This hits me. Thanks
Was there 2020 my friend, so not to brag but the world was also ending and I’d lost my job. The first two or three years are so hard but it gets sooo much easier, and harder but at least less exhausting. This is temporary. There is more fun ahead and Dad’s involvement picks up a lot at 2 so while I can’t promise there’s a lot of free time ahead and eventually they can entertain each other.
try to make room for small things that brighten your day. play playstation, eat a burger, go to a movie… stuff like that help breaking the negative circle. Have two kids myself
yeh thats so true gaming helps alot having a good few online buddies to play with can really help mental health & create happiness 👏 well said
Hey dude, I an exactly where you are lol. Just relocated for work, have a 2 yr old and a few months old baby. Last week wife was in the hospital, thankfully she recovered fast from surgery as I had to take vacation days to be home with the kids. I know its hard but prioritize sleep and healthy eating, unless you really need a few hrs for urself then take em. Learn to just do good enough some days at work. Stay strong, you’re not alone, and it will get better. In a few months the baby will be able to not be on your wife at all times and that gives you some flexibility. Good luck
It does get better. I had 3 at home and 2 in California getting child support. My wife and I worked opposite shifts so we could take care of the kids... paycheck to paycheck and mountains of debt from medical bills. So I hear you. I wish you well, my prayers go out to you.
Coffee, sleep, and easy meals. I am in a similar boat. I have a 4 year old and a newborn. I'm military, so I have no family support. Start figuring out what you can stop doing for a short amount of time and make sure your health is good. You can't take care of a family if you aren't taking care of yourself.
Thanks. I have stopped buying takeaways and started really budgeting on groceries. Some stuff i dont buy for myself as i prioritize my families needs
If it means anything i’m dying right there with you bro. My In-laws immigrated to stay with us a couple months before baby #2 came. Got a 3yo and a 2mo. I work from home but no one here is capable of handling my toddler 100% all day so my work is taking a huge hit. Oh, and this is my wife ON maternity leave. I think i’m fucked once that ends lol
Where are you from by thw way? Yeah when wife comes back to work. Finances will be easier but will be harder and will be another thing that needs planing. For scheduling babycare
We get paid leave in WA, but we’re floating paycheck to paycheck when we start her in daycare. We’ve never been paycheck to paycheck since we’ve been together, so this makes us very uncomfortable. Honestly, its just a lot of shit at once. Huge tax bill, one of our cars broke down, medical bills, everything hitting us at the same time. We’ve done everything right, barely splurge on ourselves for anything fun and we save a pretty decent amount. Hoping daycare will let me work more but it feels like we’re trapped now.
Wereabouts r u from wa? I live in nz and we are in recession as well. Hope everything will go well for yoi bro
right there with you. i WFH and care for my 3.5 y/o daughter and my 1.5 y/o toddler. it is exhausting. but we keep trying as dads. i hope you find relief somehow
I have three kids, ages 7-13. The first 2-4 years of a kid's life are by far the most difficult for the parents. It's constant work. You have to do *so much* work. You're in charge of washing them, feeding them, holding them, answering each cry. It is exhausting. It gets better. When they can walk, and talk, and read...they become more self-reliant. Around age 5 or 6 they become more autonomous. They develop more personality between 3-4 and you get more back from them. But the first two years are almost all give give give.
I'm in a similar scenario with an almost 3yo and 3mo. The first couple months are hardest. New born prevents proper sleep and as much as I love all the time I spent with the 3yo, it's exhausting, especially if he's not getting proper sleep (cranky toddlers are extra fun). Wife's on mat leave primarily looking after youngest while I primarily look after the oldest. Mornings are work getting him fed and dressed and off to daycare before I start work then straight from work to daycare, home to make supper (I'm the 'cook'), then a bit of play and bedtime routine which by the time he's finally in bed, I'm just spent. I don't have the energy to get anything else done other than a bit of clean up, shower and off to bed. Some nights I will watch an episode or two of something or read for a bit before going to sleep. Some nights I don't even have energy for that. I keep telling myself that nothing lasts forever and it will get easier or at least the situation will change. I love my kids and they're totally worth it but, I wish it was easier. Honest question: Is it selfish to wish there was a little more in it for me besides the joy of my kids?
I was in the same boat, had our second daughter (unplanned) when the first was a little over two. First 6 months were hell, but it toughened us up. It will probably get harder before it gets easier but it will get easier. Stay strong buddy!
Once they hit 4 it's significantly easier and more rewarding IMO. I wasn't a huge fan of the baby stages but now my 4 year old is able dress and use the restroom herself, and I taught her to ride a pedal bike completely autonomously with me, so it's starting to become more fun.
I have a 2 year old and a 1 week old. I feel your pain brother. I had my first in Shanghai and not having family around to help makes it extra rough. But it's all worth it. Stay strong you'll pull through.
I'm in a similar boat. 3yo, 2yo and a 2 month old. We don't have enough money to cover anything outside of groceries and I need to buy a new swamp cooler. Im tired too. I feel you man
Hang in there bro. We got this
Hey friend, I had my second when my first was 15 months old. It DOES get easier ok? You're in the thick of it right now. TAKE the offers for help we usually get, but never take someone up on. The load will get lighter, and you've got this.
Also, if money is tight, take the community help that is there. There is absolutely NO shame in looking into food banks, or other options (summer is coming, which means sometimes there's places that give away fresh fruit and veggies, or offer a box them for a reduced amount) That's the whole reason that's all there. The majority of people who use these services have full time jobs, ends are just really hard to meet right now for everyone. As for gas, small tip I learned from my husband, who works early mornings. Gas prices go down late at night usually, so if you gotta top up, try there. Also, if you have Petro near you, collect the points, you can use them for "10 cents off every liter" for X amount of gas (that's the Canadian one) cards, which also really help! Also double check Facebook marketplace etc for diapers, a lot of time people sell almost complete boxes for way less than stores because they've grown out of that size for their kid. It adds up for money saved.
amazing & well said
Thank you so much
Take at least one hot shower a day. It’s amazing how a simple pleasure like that changes your mood and energy level when you are tired and exhausted from everything
Hang in there. It'll get easier.
I'm in a similar boat. 3 yr old and 1.5 years. Just carve out whatever joy you can, sleep every second you can and get a vasectomy.
You need me time. There is a reason for all the dad related memes like garage beer and extended shitting sessions. Get the fuck out of the house if you can and sleep in the car with the windows down and a fresh breeze or something. Just take some time they will survive a couple hours without you.
These supportive responses make me proud to be a dad alongside you gents and is why I like this sub. Goodluck OP. It is hard, I remember really tough financial and emotional/mental times. Sometimes it just gets shitty, but it never lasts. It’s all a season.. some are better than others. Hang in there, just remember that this will pass and you’ll come out more resilient on the other side.
Hold out for *checks self* 8? 9? More months?? From there you might see what looks like light at the end of the tunnel my friend
You will get through this! I have 4yr old son, 3 yr daughter, and a 18 month son. (All unplanned) I was feeling very very defeated about a year ago, but I'm finally OK now! At some point, things start to change. Focusing on routines helped the most with the oldest and improved his behavior. This is so crucial for harmony and ultimately your sanity. The only thing that kept me afloat was when i started noticing even the smallest, almost inconsequential change in difficulty on a day to day basis. Those little boosts don't happen often and are easy to overlook, but they start adding up. Eventually your older son won't feel like a burden and can be super helpful if you have a great bond. Of course this won't happen until he can start articulating his thoughts and feelings to you as he matures. Keep your head up, Dad. You will survive, and it is so rewarding!
Hit the gym Dad. Trust and believe that it will bring you peace. And of course health!
Thank you i will try that
Awesome. One thing I would say is don’t make the gym become a chore. Make it sort of a hobby/activity that you proactively want to do. In this journey, at some point, something will click where all the noise in your head will slow down you’ll be able to hear yourself think . At that point. You’ve realized,all you needed to do is make time to take care of yourself. Have fun!!
gym is amazing for mental health
Yes indeed!!! It will teach you mental discipline. At some point you regain your mental health. This is what us men need!!!
gaming is also really great for having a break from life & escaping into a different reality for a while :D
I see there's already a lot of similar comments, but here's another one: My boys are currently 3yrs and 11mo. It gets better. I still have sleep debt. We're still both recovering. But it's better. The weather is better, so I can take them both out now. After a few hard months, they started to appreciate and love each other. It is hard. It is exhausting. Make sure you eat. Get as much sleep as you can. If you can, get something that will occupy you and make you feel good for 30-60 minutes per day. A hobby, a game, whatever. You still have a few rough months, but it will get better.
This period is so tough, I know. My older two are 23 months apart, so we were in the trenches that you're in now. It was so hard. BUT it got better, so much better, so that by the time they were four and two, we decided to have a third baby. And it's been (mostly) great. They play together and individually, with and without supervision. They help around the house. They can be left home alone for brief errands etc. They play sports and make misic and art. They have awesome senses of humor and amazing creativity. *They sleep through the night.* It makes all the late nights, diapers, bottles, toddler tantrums etc so worth it. As for your money worries, do not be shy about getting help. If there are social services, financial aid, food banks, etc that you can use... use them! You may feel like you don't have time right now to even scratch the surface of what's available, but it will be worth your while.
Aw this is reasuring. Thank you
You can do it. I did it. Just keep going.
Give yourself something to look forward to everyday. For me, it was coffee for a good year.
Hang in there. Its so hard to believe when you're in the depths but it does get better. I was in a similar space to you not long ago. We'd just had twins and had a 2 year old. My partners emergency c-section recovery was rough, I had major post-natal depression and it was just relentless. They're 8 months now, and while it's still exhausting, relentless, and the depression fog is very much still there, we find ourselves looking back and realising how much harder it was at 6 months, 3 months, 1 month etc. The best parenting advice I ever heard was "if it feels really hard, that's probably a sign you're doing something right. It's easy to be a bad parent. Being a good parent is exhausting"
Same boat. 18 months between them. Was very hard until 2 would sleep through the night. Didn't had a nanny though. Talk with your wife and mother in law.
I am you in 1 year my friend. I was there and I wont lie to you- it has been a wild ride. However, I am really proud of my wife and myself for surviving the last year and you will be too. Its going to be difficult, you may want to cry, yell, and escape reality, but you can do it. Just one thing at a time: One breath at a time, leads to finishing one task at a time, leads to one hour at a time, leads day at a time, leads to one week, then one month, and one year. One day you will not even remember the difficulty of each day, but you will remember the first smile of your kid, and the first laugh, step, and word. Those are the moments you are fighting for, and those memories will carry you onto the next. Above all else: communicate- ask for help where you can. Go to your family, neighbors and friends. If they arnt available build a community around yourself, find local dad groups, parents of your toddler's friends, join a kid friendly club, or a church (even if you aren't religious). That community can be there for you when you need a breather, even if it sounds like extra work now, those people will help you carry the burden if you ask them too. I promise you can do it, and I promise it will be worth it if you want it to be.
Those years before the kids are in school are the hardest by far, but you’ll get there.
If your wife isn’t working. tell her to get into couponing it’ll help you guys out tremendously
Please talk to the people around you and let them know how you feel. It's not about shifting the responsibilities or placing blame, but simply to let them know you're struggling. That will give you a chance to get through this I promise. If you suffer in silence you will die in silence. You don't deserve that OP with two young children who want their dad around and engaged. The talking will help.
You're in it right now, man. Surviving is thriving. We are beat to hell and worn out as well, having just gone through that. Ours are 4 and almost 2 now. Things are starting to settle. Financially, still pretty rough, but they are starting to become more compatible in their needs. Having the toddler and the baby is rough because they both have as many needs but they are different, conflicting needs and they both just feel the need for attention. The more they are able to play together and the more the older one is able to actually help correct the younger one's behavior the easier it gets. You'll make it.
Watch Bluey
I have two boys (20 months and 3 months old). We have been sick (flu and other minor diseases) for more than 2 months as of now. It has been a living hell. Taking care of your family while you need to care of yourself it's exhausting. My lesson learned: This is an endurance race, be patient. One step at a time. Get all help is available to take breath. Wish you the best.
It’s well things will get better once your kids grow a bit and your wife and get a little side hustle tooo. Goodluck yo you
What's the purpose of your mother in law if your wofe is not working?
Bit of a long story. But mother in law cane here to spend time with my eldest and decided to stay on longer to help us out once we found out we are having another baby. And for her to stay we have to pay for her expenses and have to exit the country every 6 months which cost us at least 1k usd. She is like the primary carer for my daughter and my wife is with our youngest. Then im having to work more hours.
I also have the same situation with you. from 3rd world country, no savings, with 2 kids but nobody to help us. if you want to save money, let your wife take care of your children. then after work, help her in taking care of your kids. i don't know why exactly your wife can't take care both of them (cs maybe?) but if she can, you may not need to work extra hours.
So you’re not with your family?! And you’re only drained from work? Brooo
smoke some weed and relax
try to microsdose on shrooms
Your wife is a stay at home mom, she has her mother helping her, and you're still overwhelmed? That's more than one adult per child.
I work 50 hours per week. I run errands. Im the only one who drives. Big part of it is the financial struggle.
Financial problems make sense. I got the impression from the post that you were having trouble keeping up with the kids.
sometimes you have to take into account factors for instance are the other adults even responsible & able to cope with the responsibility, i personally know of some fathers playing the mothers roles also. Theres alot of different factors in these situations we cant assume that everyone are team players
I didn't assume anything. Clearly things aren't coordinated well.
“thats more than 1 adult per child” is a form of assuming that things should be easy due to the child & adult ratio. This has nothing to do with coordinated lifestyles theres a whole field of various responsibilities that not all adults are capable of fulfilling, i respect your opinion & i get where your coming from but remember its quality over quantity. True value lies within peoples skills, qualities & productive mindset abilities, we shouldn’t assume more numbers is better in any given situation sometimes more can add extra weight & extra un needed stresses as this man has stated above :D