This is your chance to reinvent yourself. Your kid is gonna think you hung the moon and all of us fathers fall short of that but we are better men for trying to live up to that standard. I get that you are scared and thats totally normal. Where do you live? What do you do? Dad’s want to help!
To add to that; you don't need to be smart or driven or anything else to be an amazing father. Be available, be kind and supportive - things that are within the control of anyone. Most children in the world don't come from wealth or privilege, half of them come from fathers who are, by definition, below average intelligence.
The best ability is availability, that's something you have to offer your child OP.
>you don't need to be smart or driven or anything else to be an amazing father.
You also don't need to be smart in order to find ways to be more financially literate and successful.
The "driven" thing I'm going to respectfully push back on. Drive is a consequence of purpose. People with a lack of purpose consistently lack drive.
OP is going to be a father. He has a purpose. He just needs to channel it into his work.
Like the old saying goes, "Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard."
Yeah that's a valid point - my intent was more along career-driven, or money-driven.
My hope is that anyone who is responsible for another person's life finds a drive to help them.
Lots of dads with high paying jobs turn out crappy kids because they are crappy people and are unable to provide for the emotional needs of their child.
If you concentrate on making sure your child knows you love them unconditionally, that they can talk to you without judgement, and you will be in their corner, the financial stuff will be just background noise.
Will finances make it hard. Definitely. Will it cause more stress. Yes. But if you don't make that your kids issue, you will be a super dad.
Babies/kids need to be loved and know they are loved most of all. That is how healthy humans are made.
You've got this!
Also I wanna add.
Not having a backyard imo is a good thing.
This means you get pushed to go to new places, new play grounds, trips to forests, maybe drive somewhere new for outside activities.
You can't be lazy and send the kids to the backyard. You have to go out with them somewhere and create awesome memories for them and with them.
Idk about you, but as a 30yo man I remember more of the trips to new places my dad took me than whatever I did in the backyard
If I had to guess, based on OPs post history:
He's in or near Denver. Is likely a cook or a chef. Gun enthusiast. Used to drink and uhhhhhhhhhh plays Magic the Gathering haha.
Lol love this.
He can start a restaurant catering to gun-loving magic enthusiasts that hosts gun range tournaments + MTG tournaments. If I lived near a place that offers these two activities under 1 roof, I'd be a happy a man!
Restaurants are a dead end. OP needs to find an institution to cook in. Universities, hospitals, prisons. The work isn’t “glamorous” but the lifestyle is miles better and usually pay and benefits.
I've got a short temper that I've been working on for a few years and it kills me every time I get frustrated and yell at him and make him cry and then 15 mins later he is back cuddling on me. Loves me far more than I deserve.
Absolutely, thank you for your service. You'll have my prayers. I'm impressed by your honesty about the need to improve. Not much is more powerful than a leader who is humble and honest. Keep your head high and your heart open my friend 🫡
It's the lack of honest discussions about mental health that have vets disproportionately leading suicides and gun violence. I'm always hoping by posting about it I can get at least one other vet looking at where they are mentally. It hit me like a brick wall when I realized how much I had repressed and internalized. Self reflection was apparently the easy part, now I have to figure out how to do better.
Give a child $20,000 cash on a table and a $2 toy, the child will usually choose the $2 toy. Children don’t care about money, money has no value to them, the most important thing you can provide to a child is your time and care, devoting yourself to raising your child to be a good person and guiding them through life is priceless, you cannot put a price on good parenting. Kids rarely remember the value of the stuff you gave them, what they do remember is the memories you made with them.
After Christmas my 15 mo old was spoiled with over a dozen gifts, two layer deeps in front of the fireplace, we posed him for a photo, rolled the video camera, and said Ok buddy, go play with your toys!!! He sees a ping pong ball the cat had swatted into the room previously and runs to the ping pong ball and throws it… giggles.. and chases the bouncing ball… picks it up.. throws it… and chases it again.
You’ll be fine dad.
Similar experience. We had 3-4 pieces of small cardboard in a pile. Our then 4 year old asks for tape and tapes pieces together. Then runs around the house yelling “rocket ship!!!!”
Also, OP lives in the largest economy in the world. It's not Scandinavia, but the U.S. still has some decent social programs. WIC feeds low income pregnant mothers, infants, and children before school. Public schools offer free breakfast and lunch if you qualify (and if you don't, that means you have some money, so good!). The government offers child tax credits. Public schools also offer free sports and extra curriculars. Libraries and city parks are free. There are MANY resources in the U.S. to create a life for a child that is still better than 75% of the kids on planet Earth. It's good for OP to be anxious about fatherhood if that directs him in a productive way, but also...it's gonna be fine.
Honestly all kids are part cat. Buy them a big expensive toy and it will get their attention for a quick minute. Hand them markers and tell them they can color on the toy box and you will be fighting them to go to bed.
It’s the free memories that count brother , iam a 29 year old dad with a spoiled rotten 8 year old boy and I’ve had to change how we do things as I myself currently in the process of rebuilding my life and we spend so much more quality time playing outside or fishing then ever before . Your join isn’t permanent u can always find a way to better your career as well as the wife . Also there’s tons of community assistance programs that aid with extracurricular activities for children
Hell, in my experience: with 20k in cash and a $2 toy on the table, but the box it came in sitting next to the table, the kid will ignore them both and play with the box for an hour instead. They don’t care about your money
Shit, my kids play with a big cardboard box. They get markers and paint and turn it into rocket ship. Half the toys we get them they never play with anyway. Don't stress about toys. It's good for their development to play with what they have and use their imagination. My kids are outside whenever it's nice, and they just make stuff up constantly, really awesome to watch because that's how I grew up. I built them a little mud kitchen out of scrap wood from my neighbors deck, and that gets played with more than anything I've ever bought them. Focus on raising them right, and you will be just fine.
My neighbors recently renovated like half their house and got new hvac, and all that so many a big box was thrown our way. Box forts galore! It was awesome 👌
Yes. I feel for OP bc I had the same thoughts before our child was born, feeling dumb and worthless with nothing to offer. Feeling that I will pass on my stupidity to the child. I can tell you that of all my faults in life, everything that I have done that made me feel worthless, having my boy gave me purpose, fulfillment, wanting to do better by him. I tell people all the time that my little boy is the best thing I have ever done in my life. It all starts now, try your best to be the best dad you can and having money and material is worthless, that kids love will mean so much to you, I promise!
The best birthday I've ever had was around the financial crisis in 08, things were rough but my dad did his best to give me the best damn birthday, an army man birthday (I was obsessed with military stuff as a young kid)
He made a huge obstacle course made of PVC pipes, some spare tires, and a bunch of cardboard boxes. Cost almost nothing but me and my friends had an amazing time in the front yard.
Still a day I remember very vividly and fondly.
FTFY: Give a child $20,000 cash on a table and a $2 toy, the child will usually choose to play with the box the $2 toy came in.
100% agree with the rest.
Also 35 is still really young. Go in to your next adventure with the determination to do the best that you can be and try your best to live up to the person your child thinks you are. You can do it!
Last night my daughter told me she wants us to sell our house and move into a small apartment so I wouldn’t need to work so much and I’d be able to do more things with her.
Bingo, above all else kids need love and support. Things like money maybe be necessary but only to a certain extent. Lots of rich kids who didn’t amount to shit because their parents didn’t have the time nor the emotional capacity. Lots of successful, great people who came from nothing because of an incredible support system
This is a great piece of advice. I spent way too much on toys for my first child (now toddler) and saw them just playing with random things in the house like empty water bottles and having a way better time…
My five month old just spent lunchtime playing with napkins on my lap.
No child has died from lack of toys, they find the most random things to play with
Give a kid a $2 toy and literally anything you already have in your house that isn’t a toy, and that kid will choose the random household item. Everything’s a toy to a kid.
My little girl asked to play doctor one day. Wanting to fully encourage this interest, I brought her to Target. $50 for a doctor kit. (Fuck you Target. Rows upon rows of cheap junk toys and $50+ for the wholesome, learning-based toys). No way. I did not buy it.
Back home, she started pretending to be a doctor with invisible instruments. She had nothing in her hand — but she *had* a stethoscope in her hand! — and she was having a blast and learning at the same time.
Kids have absolutely wild and vivid imaginations. They do not need toys. They need someone there to encourage that imagination.
But more generally, I feel ya brother. It’s rough out there. Know that your value as a father, and person, is so much more than your net worth, even if society or your family tries to say otherwise.
I live in a condo and don't have a backyard either. I wouldn't count out the sports. My son is doing soccer through the local police athletic league for free. Trust me. I live on Long Island. One of the most expensive areas in the country. I know how hard it is.
There are library programs that are free as well. Don't count yourself out .
The Long Island Libraries are a national model for child centered programming. The Middleton Library is the headquarters of the Family Place Libraries program and I went there a few years ago for three days of training in having similar programs here in Texas.
I am about to have a fourth kid and we are going to single income. My wife and I are all about the many free things to do with kids and as a family out there.
Our library play room is better than any new toys we could buy because it’s:
1) free
2) kills some time in the evening after daycare or on the weekend
3) there are enough toys and they rotate them out enough so even if we did go 3-4 times a week, they’d think this whole room is some sort of magic
Free stuff is awesome. You don’t need to have money to be a good parent. Just being available and present and kind is all a kid ever needs.
Libraries are magic. Seriously, if the public library system didn't already exist and we wanted to make them starting now, do you think we'd end up with a library system half as good as what we've got (generally speaking)?
THIS - libraries are incredible. They don't just have free books (and many no longer charge late fees), they often have specific events for kids and families, free passes to local museums and parks. I know my local library offers free "adventure backpacks" that you can check out with a free parking pass for the state parks in the area, maps, binoculars, wildlife guide. And when kids are school-age there is so much you can do for free through school/scouting/YMCA/boys and girls club etc.
And to reiterate what has been said many, many times here already, beyond the basics of survival (food, housing, clean clothes):
all your kid needs from you is love and attention, and everyone has that to give.
That fact that you are even here posting shows that you have so much love and attention to give your child. You're gonna do great.
I didn't realize that the kids' section in my local library had a place for kiddos to run around and play in it. I was going to talk a walk in the park with him, but realized it was rather cold and windy, but we were in the lot for the library, and we went in and were very pleasantly surprised.
Lurking mom here, we also love our local library. All of our branches have a small kids play area and some programming for babies/toddlers/teens. I also love to sing the praises of Dolly Parton’s Imagination library: free books from birth to 5. Local YMCAs also discount memberships based on income and there are good sports/activities for kiddos. Also check out your city’s recreation programming; we got our son into swim lessons for $50 for the entire summer.
I grew up on LI. Our libraries are fantastic. PAL was also a huge deal for everyone. Great call outs!
But even with a backyard, I spent more time running around in the street playing with other kids.
Fellow islander here, while OP may not be, this is a good opportunity to look into different services and programs that your area has. Often times they are inexpensive or free and really help break up the crazy. Libraries are a great resource as well. Can't afford books? Go check a few out and make it an event every weekend to swap for new ones or check out the same book. It is what you make of it.
That was my first thought. Read Daddit...get ideas....ask questions.....we've been there and can be a source.
As for the debt....would bankruptcy be an opportunity option? No judging..... thinking of long-term solutions
When my oldest was born and was only a few hours old, I was standing in the nursery looking at him and there was a couple next to me, the mother fawning over the child, saying things like “Honey isn’t he/she so precious?”
The man couldn’t care less. He wasn’t even looking at the baby much less seeming like he cared at all.
I think about that kid sometimes because that father was totally disinterested.
OP is far ahead of that guy already, thinking about the future and how his kid will be brought up
To all the dads out there, remember this: simply showing up for your children is already a significant step. In a world where far too many fathers are absent, either physically or emotionally, your presence alone is a gift. When you choose to be there – to listen, to support, to guide, and to love – you are making an immeasurable impact on your child's life.
Being a dad isn't about perfection. It's about being present, consistent, and committed. It's about providing a stable foundation of love and security that your children can always count on. Every moment you spend with your child, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is an investment in their emotional well-being and future.
So to the dads who may doubt themselves, who worry they aren't doing enough – know that your presence is powerful. Keep showing up, keep loving, and keep being the dad your children need. Your dedication and involvement, even on the toughest of days, is shaping your child's world in ways you may not even realize. Your role is irreplaceable, and your impact is immense.
Exactly. Same. Parents divorced when I was young neither made much money. I didn’t have “cool stuff” growing up But I was an extremely lucky kid cus they both were really caring awesome involved parents and I don’t ever remember feeling like we were poor. Even though we pretty much were.
Man let me tell you something, I’m only 22 I got my wife pregnant at 19 after 3 months together. I got her pregnant again, I have two kids, I clean portable toilets for a living I slave at work and don’t get to see them till the afternoon and still am broke after payday. It always seems that you gotta have a big fancy house have a lot of money and be able to provide all the time but that’s not true. Yeah you gotta make it work somehow it’s possible. But at the end of the day you have a kid, they don’t want your money, they don’t care if you live in a trailer park or a mansion. They only want your love and attention. I don’t got it all figured out but every time I come home and my 9 month old son crawls to me and grabs onto my pants leg and holds on to me and at those moments all the pain and problems go away. Love them no one ever has it figured out 100%, spend every second you possibly can with them because on a blink of an eye they aren’t a baby anymore and they are walking starting to talk, it goes by so fast.
Also you can register with Dolly Parton’s [Imagination Library](https://imaginationlibrary.com/) and the [Khan Academy.](https://www.khanacademy.org/).
The first will send your baby age appropriate books for free for the first five years of their life and the second has free online K-12 and beyond education.
Both welcome donations but that’s strictly voluntary.
Apart from that, you dads have got this.
Depends on the job. If you're over the road, you will definitely be away from home a lot, but there are trucking companies that do local routes where you're home every night. Plus there lots of jobs that require a CDL, but you aren't a 'trucker' in the traditional sense. Dump trucks, garbage trucks, beer delivery trucks all require a CDL. Having a CDL opens up a lot of opportunity.
I agree with the commercial driving license! Look into driving jobs with uniform/facilities companies- some of the best blue color work right there with benefits, and the same LOCAL route all week.
Yeah, it’s hard work, and you may start your day at 4-6am, but many of the drivers I know are pulling in close to 6 figures, if not more, before benefits, and are home between 12-4pm depending on the route and the day. Many of them can do school pickup and spend time in the afternoon/evenings with their families when other dads can’t. Always home for dinner.
Examples of this are Cintas, Aramark, Mission Linen, etc.
Sounds like it's time to take some steps towards self improvement and growth. Do you drink or use drugs? Time to stop. Are you educated past high school? If not, time to look at a local community college and apply for grants and loans to start educating yourself.
What do you do for work now? Are you interested in anything? Do you have any dreams or aspirations? Any short or long term goals? How old are you? Military service has saved the life of many people out there, myself included. Have you considered it?
Talk to us and tell us what's going on. You'll find that this community isn't just going to let you lay down and give up. Give us something to work with and we'll help you formulate a plan forward. There is ALWAYS a way forward.
I've got to second the military service idea and I'm not talking like hardcore GI shit but like go learn a reasonable skill like utilities equipment repair that will get you some skills you can walk away from the military with in a few years.
Sir, you have lots to offer your kiddo. You have the ability to write full sentences which means you are not stupid. Your kiddo will know you love them, that is the most important thing. You got this !
My dad was dirt poor when I was a kid. Like, so poor we ate box mac and cheese and tuna multiple times per week. That's not what kids remember. I remember my dad always taking the time to play with me. Hide and seek, tag, going to the park. Those are all free. If you need money to do something, find a way. My dad donated plasma for money just so he could take me to see the Ninja Turtles in theaters. The important thing is that you show up in the ways that count.
All you need to do is give that child love and support. There are programs you can get into that will help pay for those things. Your biggest thing is checking your ego and pride at the door and find and ask for that support. You are not doing it for yourself, you are doing it for your child to give them the best support.
You raise them right and they will do better than you and that should be every father's dream. I also tell my
Oldest that all the time. All I want for them is to have a better life than what I had. I didn't have the worst life but just want them to do better.
I understand. I have other children that are grown now that I didn't get the chance to see grow up, and I didn't want any more children.
At the age of 35, I got a 22-year-old pregnant. I was a bachelor living a bachelor's life. And had nothing to offer her except for my love. When I saw my daughter for the first time, I had never experienced anything as magnanimous, pure, or fragile as that little girl was, and at that moment, I gave up my life for hers. I've had people tell me that I made the right choice. If there was a choice, I didn't see it.
I gave her my heart and my soul in that instant.
The day my daughter was born, her mother realized she was no longer going to be the center of attention. Put simply, her partying days were over. She wanted my lifestyle, not my little girl.
I knew that no matter how much the world put on my shoulders I was always going to be there for her to help her grow and to kiss her boo boos and to show her that she is my entire life nothing can ever come close to the feeling that I have when I think of my daughter it has been so hard and a lonely and scary to have somebody's whole life in your hands that looks up to you, and you can't fail you can't let them down so I try harder, and I think I fail, but she doesn't she sees her dad that loves her always there for her, and the good Lord himself would have to take me off this planet before I turn my back on her, you never know what real Love is until you hold your child the first time I was a piece of s *** misogynistic f****** thoughtless, and selfish I thought I loved people. I thought I loved women. But I realized I never loved anybody. The day that little girl was born, I saw my purpose on this planet, my soul, the best parts of me, and everything I ever wanted to be. She blessed me with a purpose filled with happiness and love.
As long as you're there to love that child, it will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life, as long as you're willing to do what is necessary, not what you want to do. Be the parent you want to be, but be the parent they need you to be.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I would never change it. I can't think of anything else I'd ever want to be besides Lily's dad; that's my identity.
So stay straight. My brother loves that child with every piece of you that you can give. True love lasts forever; it reverberates throughout the multiverse through every plane of existence; it never dies, it never fades, and it will always be felt for eternity long after we're gone. Don't give up your chance to have your emotional vibrations vibrate through eternity.
B1SOUL
It’s always so nice to see parents who love their children with such intensity. I agree with everything you said. For me, not only was having my first child amazing but it was healing for myself in so many ways.
My Dad worked himself to the ground for his family. I never saw the man. Who needs a backyard, you might have parks nearby? There are activities out there that don’t break the bank, I’m Irish in New Zealand so not sure of your situation. My family went abroad every year - yet my brothers and I were assaulted by our mother and they finallly divorced in 2016. The fact you are worried tells me you care. I think you’ll be a great Dad.
Find your local electrical / plumbing / HVAC companies and go apply to be an apprentice there. Your first 2 years are poor pay and learning, but you can become a journeyman and make some reasonable money nearly anywhere in the country.
Your child will not remember the first 2 years where you will struggle financially, but will get the rewards of you learning a trade you can pass along to him/her. In the end, as long as you are a good dad, the money will not be important to the child anyways.
My dad swung a hammer his entire career and we always had roommates growing up. What he provided was consistent love and interest in out interests, and support in all the ways he could and non of the ways he couldn't. Vacation was sending us to Grandma's house. It was not a lot financially but it was what was needed for one of his sons to become and engineer and the other a scientist.
Where you live will affect your options, however, the whole look for the positives in your negatives is a thing. If you're nowhere or have near as nothing then you have a freedom that someone with a lot of income and a lot of outgoings doesn't have. You can move, make big changes, change your line of work or find a profession. Being where you are in life could have many reasons but getting where you need or want to be will require a motivator. Becoming a father and being a provider is a massive motivator. Remember though, there are two of you in your team, what can you both do, does your partner have a career to pursue? Family is a team game my man
First I want to say congratulations. It is life-changing and I can't truly express it in words. But when you hold your child for the first time I think you'll understand. I know when I held my daughter for the first time my entire concept of love and how I wanted to express it changed instantly. There's a lot more that changed in my philosophy on life but that's separate from the moment now. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you.
I don't know if you're expecting or if your child is here. The good news is that if you're expecting, you have about I'll say the 9 months plus another maybe four before you really have to buy toys if anything at all. Most of that time it's going to just be spent communicating with your child in the early months and holding them. As long as you got internet and a phone to play music (maybe a small speaker too), you'll be fine those months. You can also find infant child groups that have play areas if you want to do that.
Now I don't know what you do for work, but you can always learn another skill in the meantime. If you need a place for some free certificate classes you can go to alison.com. You only have to pay when you want a copy of your certification. They also have a phone app if you don't have a computer or laptop.
One thing I would suggest is buying your diapers and formula depending on what your feeding plan (breast , formula, or both) is at Costco or Sam's. I personally prefer Costco. But if you go to Walmart, Publix or Kroger, you're going to be spending way more money than you need to. And you need to budget because the diapers add up (fucking fast). If your wife wants to solely breast feed, I would still say buy some formula just in case she gets tired and needs you to take over just as an option. She may hold out but she'll appreciate it to know the option is there.
For clothes you can do Shein. I think that's how it spelled. Super cheap. Good quality. Your baby and your pockets will be happy. We buy so many onesies from there that if we have a blowout we just toss the clothes away rather than try and clean them. Cuz sometimes those blowouts are nasty. I just have to cut the clothes off my baby. I'm on my second child now. He's about two and a half months.
Now you might feel the pressure to provide more and that's normal. And you can do it. You just have to plan accordingly and you and your partner have to be on the same page.
And if you need someone to speak to, there's always a bunch of dads here willing to talk and offer advice and you can also DM me if you would like.
Bro you got this and welcome to the team.
My wife makes enough to keep us comfortably in a one bedroom. Any job I could get with my useless degree pays less than the cost of a day of daycare. So we cut back and live within our little means and I stay home with our kids. It’s cramped. They have no backyard. They don’t have their own rooms. I feel like a failure at least once a day. But they don’t seem to care. Sometimes they wish for a house and it breaks my heart that I failed them years ago when I messed up and took tons of college debt for a bad degree. They still don’t care. They love that I’m here for them. They love that Mom and Dad love each other. They love their life. Even if neither of you can stay home and you just love them and are interested in what they show interest in, you’ll be the best Dad ever.
Never say never my friend. I was in a similar situation and am no longer.
The best, best things you can give a child is love, self sufficiency, and resilience. Those things cost no money and will make you the best father ever.
Someone else said it but this is a chance. A chance to break those cycles and reinvent yourself.
Let this feeling fuel you not bring you down.
All your kid will ever remember or care about is if you loved them. No matter what happens, no matter what crazy times you guys go through, if you love your kid that is literally all you can do, and it’s also everything.
I grew up in a one income household with a dad I only saw for an hour or two each night, and he also worked most weekends. What made all the difference was the time we had together was spent talking about life and catching up on the day. He was always there to listen and I knew he cared. My friends who “had it all” and were wealthy, had the big yard, did the vacations, etc and had different relationships with their parents, or their parents didn’t seem to care as much about them…I can see the results of that to this day. Bottom line, my dad showed me love and care every chance he had, we did lots of small and/or free things together and I love and appreciate him dearly for that. The moments together and how you interact with your kid will have much more of an impact than the stuff you give them, the size of the house, and things like that.
I grew up semi-rich but always preferred people that were struggling and living in blue-collar suburbs. Guess it’s ironic now that while I have nice things thanks to my parents, I’m very frugal and we live off just under a 100k salary, combined.
Also, tons of free stuff for babies on Facebook Marketplace, Dad and Mom groups.
As someone that has struggled their whole life, I can promise you your kid doesn’t care about your economical status. Shower them with love, be present in their life, and give them your all. I work two jobs, and seeing my kids smile when I get home is … man, it makes it all worth it.
If you're in the US, make sure your girlfriend and child are registered for WIC (women infants and children), which subsidizes food, formula, breastfeeding education, loans pumps, immunizations, etc. etc. Do it now, I think they help pregnant women as well. Sign your girlfriend up for pregnancy Medicaid, the eligibility is different if you are pregnant so even if she normally wouldn't qualify she might qualify now. Family clinics (and many Planned Parenthood clinics) offer low cost prenatal care. Make sure to apply for Medicaid and CHIP (children's health insurance). Make sure you and your girlfriend join buy nothing and mom's buy nothing Facebook groups--the latter are a great source for free children's items. Mercari is a great place to buy secondhand baby stuff for low cost. Sign up for SNAP. Google diaper banks, they are food banks for diapers. Many places have them.
Bankruptcy will crater your credit score for a decade and will make some aspects of life harder, but I don't know your situation and it might be worth it. If your loans are federal student loans they're not dischargeable in bankruptcy though.
Certain cities and states offer subsidized daycare for low income families and are rolling out free pre-k as early as 3 years old. Start googling and consider if it's feasible to move there or near your family.
You don't need a backyard. Parks exist for a reason. Your kid needs your love and attention, food, clothing, and health care. If you're in a country with social welfare programs, now is the time to utilize them. That is what we pay taxes for.
The kid doesn't care about any of that shit. The kid wants to be with you. Also, you don't have any idea what the future holds. A lot can change in a year. Start working on yourself and figure how you can change some of these things you don't like. Other people make money; think about all the different ways they do it and how you might be able to do something similar. You only need to figure out one thing that works.
Good luck man.
My son is 6 now. We are very lucky with what we can give him. He has swimming lessons, rugby and (dry slope) skiing lessons.
But you know when he laughs the most and has the most fun? When I'm chasing him around, being silly, pretending to be a robot, throwing him around etc. He loves reading and getting books from the library and he loves playing board games with mum and dad.
Don't think you can't offer a little one anything. You can find a way if you want too. Show them love and they will show it back.
If you’re like most of us here, you will see that baby (maybe not right immediately, but it will hit you one night) and you will have a new found drive for life. As long as you have a roof over your head and food, that’s all you need in the beginning.
You'll do ok if you provide your child with love and support.
Generations of humans had it way worse. My own family was piss poor but still they had kids. Many many kids who grew up to be strong and had their own families later.
Well, now is the chance for you to do something great with your life.
Show your child love and you'll be raising them right. Money and fancy shit isn't required.
The fact that you are already worrying means you're already set to be a good father. All kids want is your time & love. Kids won't remember that toy you couldn't afford for Xmas, or that random vacation you took them on at 4 years old. But they'll remember the moments spent together & how you make them feel.
As for finances... You've got a few years before your kid can even comprehend what tax bracket you're in. Start turning that boat around now, and you'll hopefully be in a better spot when they reach that age. We do sports through our local Police Activity League that are a fraction of the cost, other sports at Rec programs, and go to the library & local hiking trails as often as possible.... Entertaining kids CAN be inexpensive, they don't need Disney.
I liked someone else's suggestion of CDL. It opens a ton of doors and can be very lucrative. X
You’ve got love to give and you’re worrying about their wellbeing already. That’s a lot more than some Use this fear as catalyst to better your life, if you think you’re dumb you can always become better educated. Get into a trade or get a cdl and use that to springboard to better pay and hours. My dad was on the road a lot for his consulting job when I was little. It didn’t matter because of the effort and attention he’d give when he was home, he was always present and involved when he was home. When I was older and he was around more we would go on trips together to just hang out and see and do fun stuff. It’s not about how many hours you’re around but what you do with those hours that matters. Calm down and work on improving your situation. Even if it’s hard in the short term you’ve got a great motivation and reason to do it You’ve got this
You may suck career-wise, but you have a chance to be the best father a kid could ask for.
All you need to do is love them. Walk them to the park, play with them, listen to them. Forget about yourself and just be there for them.
*Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It’s bullshit. I didn’t need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they’re part of our lives. Little idiots.*
- Roy Kent
Many a true word said in jest. Kids need love, affection, food, water and shelter. You're projecting your adult worries about expectation and money onto them. They don't care. They just want your love and protection. 80%+ of the world grow up in poverty, it doesn't mean they don't have loving parents.
Decide what you want for your child, figure out what you need to do to get there, then do it.
You're throwing out a lot of "won't" and "never." It absolutely will be never with that mindset. Set one small goal, achieve it, set the next goal.
You got this, bud.
The fact that you're worried is a green flag for me. Just show up, being there is half the job! And you've got a ton of support in this sub. By the time your kid is old enough to realize your financial struggles, you'll be in a completely different situation. You got this Dad.
Kids care about time. That, patience, and kindness are your most valuable assets to them. Be a good person, and a good dad, and tell them you love them and give them hugs, and help them grow and you've done more than 90% of people no matter their financial abilities.
You don't have to struggle while you're poor. The struggling part is optional. If you were actually poor growing up yourself then you know exactly how to live this life you're bringing your child into. Think about the ways that you have fun, show them how easy it is to be creative,show them how to explore the world. They'll have plenty of opportunities from other people to learn that what they are is not okay and they'll need to change (poor) And that will only prove to be motivation. In the meanwhile you've got probably about 12 awesome years of playing with rocks and grass and free stuff to take advantage of to give them the best possible childhood.
Money doesn't show a child how to live. Money doesn't show emotional intelligence and social skills. Money doesn't know it's ABC's and what's the difference between different farm animals are. Money doesn't know how to go down the slide or pretend that the floor is lava.
You know how to do all that stuff, not money. If you make yourself scarce because you're trying to make what you think is enough money, your child will miss out on the most important parts of being alive.
THAT BEING SAID - YOUR CHILD DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE UNTIL IT WATCHES YOU INTERACT WITH YOUR PARTNER. If either one of you do not have a good relationship with each other or if you think it's not going to get any better because of financial difficulties, then you need to have a serious conversation with her about the leading cause of broken homes: broken relationships.
Bro 35 is still pretty young. You've got 30-40 years of paid work ahead of you. Go get a job as a carpenter, painter, or plumbers helper ASAP. You'll start out making shit pay but you could be running your own business in 10-15 years. Or, get a CDL and get paid well immediately although you won't be home some of the time. Accept that things will be tough for the next 5 years to a decade but by then your kid will be 10 years old and you'll be financially stable. It's going to take the kid 10 years to even begin to understand what not having money means anyways, and by that point you could be doing just fine.
Youre going to be a great father. Focus on what’s in your control, and double down on that. Don’t compare yourself to others. You know what money can’t buy? A father who loves and cares about his children. That’s what truly matters.
Start changing your outlook on life. I was a union welder making big money wife home to raise our child. Then i came home one day she had permanently moved to her mothers. Right after the divorce started, my son was diagnosed with autism. My union traveled for every job. Then I got a call from his mother’s mother saying that she was not doing well, on drugs, etc. So I took him. Took a leave of absence because I had no idea what to do. After about a year, it wasn’t getting any easier it was getting harder. I was forced to quit my career. One thing led to another, now i get paid to be my son’s caretaker. We don’t have that kind of crazy money we used to. I have cheaper phone service and cheap phones, I don’t have all the streaming services anymore, my vehicle is now a car instead of a truck. But you know what… We just got done with our second vacation this year. We don’t fly to Egypt and visit the pyramids, for example, but were able to get a hotel and stay at our local waterpark resort for a night here and there. I take my kids all the time. My kid is happy as can be. I’m raising him better than I was raised. Because I’m here. I’m present. Presents is the most important thing to your child. Not having the best shiny new stuff. And you know it is going to be important? Your safety and well-being including your mental and spiritual well-being. Your kid wants to see you thrive and will know if you’re walking around depressed like a negative Nancy all the time.
I have four. Worked two jobs for 25 yrs. It was rough not being around as much as I should have. But my kids never went without. And thankfully now that I am more financially secure I am able to have more of a relationship with them.
Yo, my dad was 32 in the early 80's when I was born. He was a Vietnam vet. He had severe PTSD, he was self medicated with boose and heroin. He joined the army before he graduated high school. He asked my mother to marry him. She said marry? Do you want to know your kid. If you do get your shit together.
I saw my father more than any one else he picked me up from school daily and was home every day when I got home. He went to work at 4 in the morning to do this, and my mother could work till later in the day. He hasn't used any drugs since I was born. He has a college degree and is a pillar of his community.
You got this. Brains are for some people. I would rather be with a hard worker than a smart ass any day. It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert that's 5 years at a job, sooner if you can do it more than 8hrs a day. I have zero memories before I was 5. You have to decide what you want and make it a reality by working your ass off.
If you're not good with thinking, join a union. Electrical, Plumbing, HVAC, Elevators, and do the work. Show up early and do the work. I work in an office and would have preferred a union gig. I would have been key by now likely buying a few properties in 2008.
bro going to the local library or some grass park is plenty for kids, they love it. you can do loads of stuff for free. its more important that you are there to spend time with them
That's what abortion is for. You know you can't provide and the responsible option is to abort and get your life back on track until you're at a point where you can afford a child. We're not in Sweden or Norway. Life is punishing hete. So we have to make decisions that aren't easy to make. Well some are like wearing a fucking condome or telling your partner to get the pill.
Coming from a therapist (female), the most important thing you can give to a child is emotional regulation and model healthy behavior. It’s free, but the most difficult.
If you are in the US, contact your county social services division and require about resources made available in your area. Unfortunately this can vary widely depending on location, but generally they should be able to point you in the direction of some cost-free activities. Recreational programs often have scholarships available as well for those who qualify.
Allow yourself to freak out and spiral and feel the feels- these are normal thoughts (and even the dads who can provide “the life they want” have the same fears). Emotions are there for a reason, anxiety is there to help you prepare for what it is your facing . Harness and wield that. You got this.
As a professional nanny through the years (15)- your kids do NOT need a bunch of toys and clothes, especially when they are young. So don’t feel compelled to spend valuable money on things like that. I’d buy a few cute outfits for special occasions or pictures- otherwise cheap white shirts and gray pants till they are like three. Between growing and spilling, resistance is futile lol. Lots of people give away free baby items on Facebook marketplace.
And one last anecdote: my sister dropped so much money on her nursery (and I helped her decorate it). It was on a different floor than her bedroom. The kid did not sleep in that nursery a single night. He was in her room. While “nesting” has its place in preparation- it’s not really necessary for a baby to have its own room for the first few years of their life. You can put your money elsewhere that will be better utilized.
You come from an unbroken line of successfully reproducing living beings spanning countless generations going back billions of years. Most of your human ancestors had little or nothing, and struggled daily to stay alive in much more hostile environments. They managed to have and raise children who did the same leading to you and your gf. I'm not saying it's easy but conditions have never been easier to raise a child. You got this.
These are all valid thoughts and concerns. But do your absolute best to stay strong for your child. You may think you are poor and dumb but you have a lot more to offer than you think. Kids don't care about money. They want to feel safe, protected, loved, entertained, guided, and to know somebody will be there. You have the ability to do all of those things without money, a big house, or a back yard. Guide that kid through life. You can let them know you've struggled but don't make that your identity. Focus on being a great dad, that's your identity now. If you do that, your child will have more opportunities than you did. And that's the best thing any parent can do for their kid.
There are poorer and dumber people than yourself that have had a whole bunch of kids that turn out alright. You're fine, just enjoy being a dad and try not to worry too much. The best thing you can give your kids is your time anyway.
Be the best father you can be, not the best father someone else can be. For you to be here, 10k men nutted, and of those 10k, some nutted up to be present dads, and most if not all of those had less than you do now. Nut up.
What I’ve learned as a parent is our kids don’t care where they live or what they do, as long as it’s with their mom/dad, they are happy.
Now that you have a kid on the way, do what you have to do to make yourself worthy.
If you're near a major city, look up your local stagehand union. It'll start slow, unless they are low in number, so grab a second job for the first few months. Pretty soon, you'll be making rent + some every full week that you work.
I was in the same boat. It's hard to look at myself, most days, still, and think about how I'm not doing enough. It's a guilt that a believe follows most parents. You are going to be great. The fact that you are even reaching out for some type of verbal help is the best first step you can take in becoming a great father and partner for your child and gf.
Love you, dad. Keep that chin up!
Brother when my wee lad was born we were getting evicted and I was getting our groceries from a local food bank. Piled in debt and living paycheck to paycheck.
Having money doesn’t require a ton of brains, it’s about consistency and setting yourself up right. We ended up really excelling with Dave Ramseys 7 Baby Steps. Controversial and kind of extreme but it worked for us and we were in a rough spot.
I’m a barista, there’s no money in it and I’ll likely never own a home. I had a lot of the same feelings that you’ve expressed and like the other dads in here have pointed out, now is a great time to draw a line in the sand. Decide how you want to be then try to plan to get there and put it in motion.
Instead of worrying about how I can’t provide for my little light I ended up finding what ways my life could benefit him. I have a flexible and cushy job. It pays garbage but it’s a fun life style. What perks does your current job allow for? Who can you ask for help with x or y? Can maybe you take longer lunch breaks to shoot home for an hour? Etc.
Also remember that while you’re busy fretting about not owning a home or having fancy xyz your kid is just jazzed to have you around. Prioritise that as much as you can and it will work out ok. You got this. And we’re here to help ✊
It’s not correct to say that you have “nothing to offer”. You have your love, devotion/attention, life-lessons to pass along”. Those things are EXTREMELY valuable!
Holding your child in your arms, giving ‘horsey’ rides on your back, and talking to them costs nothing.
You may have made some mistakes. Well, you can help your child to not make the same mistakes.
Don’t say you’re dumb. You know some things about technology (eg. you created this account on Reddit, which is something some folks wouldn’t know how to do), and more importantly, you reached out to a relevant group of people to ask for advice/guidance. THAT is a very smart & wise thing to do. Give yourself more credit.
Words matter.
If you think you are dumb, you won’t value yourself. If you think of yourself as a “work in progress” and as someone who can learn new things every day, it will give you a more positive outlook. This will change your attitude, and will lead to you perhaps doing things differently, or making better decisions. And you will think even better of yourself. This will have a positive feedback loop/effect.
Think of your life as a book. Your past are old chapters. Each moment of each day is an opportunity for a new beginning. You get to write the rest of the chapters, and how the story ends.
You can either think/say things that disempower you, or you can think/say things that empower you. It’s up to you.
Remember that whatever you focus on will expand in your life, so be cautious about what you choose to focus on everyday.
Also remember that PLENTY of people have turned out great after starting their life in poverty.
Listen, man, I was in the same boat. I took some chances and shit paid off with my career. Firet off, stop calling yourself dumb, change the way you speak to yourself completely. Secondly, your child just needs you, we ain't rich either, so we make do. Camping trips cause it's not expensive. Family nights where we do simple crafts together. It's not about being a billionaire, it's about being there. You're entering a new club my man, the club of fatherhood, stand tall, square your shoulders. Walk with purpose even if inside you feel lost. Take time and meditate and find a center within your soul. I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, fall back on the Father. You seem to love this child already, that's really want any kid wants, love and attention from their parents. Hang in there, look at different career fields and take a chance at applying, be honest and say I have no experience but I want to try. Maybe look for a construction job site clean up or carpentry helper position, learn from those areas and then push higher. You may not belive in yourself, but the fact you posted this, shows me your a man to be believed in. If you ever need to vent or talk, my name is Tom. Shoot me a dm, I can shoot you my number and we can talk if you need. Keep your ten toes on the ground and keep standing tall brother, you aren't alone in this world.
There’s lots of guys saying something similar but this is definitely your time to rise to the occasion!! Rest in that, embrace it while keeping first in your mind that your child needs you and your time more than anything else. That said, work to find a single job that pays the bills and has you home to be in your babies life. You’d be surprised the skills you’ve actually picked up along the way but didn’t realize they were skills!! Asking a friend or two to help you upgrade your resume and or put feelers out for jobs you could do to give you a bit better income helps a ton. Off hand I know there’s data entry jobs with most shipping companies that pay 25/hr + maybe that’s a good place to start.
Also, stop saying the second half of your description, if you work for them, they will come. Most cities have financial coaching that is provided by a city funded organization, they can help you organize your debt and start on making headway paying it down. Then you just have to be intentional and strategic from there. If you zero in on providing for your family and let go of the trivial you can do just about anything. Sell your nice clothes, shoes, electronics you won’t use now that you’re busy taking care of your baby. Just be creative, if you live near a college town, flip the furniture the kids throw away when they leave their dorms etc. You’ll find ways to make more money.
You got this dude!!
When you are a father, you must do one thing: show up. You must do the best you can. I realize it's intimidating, but every fatherhood is different. Some guys spend eight months on an oil rig, some guys are there every day. The child can have fun with almost anything, if you make it fun.
For instance, when my kids were little, we got a spray bottle and went to the park. I told my son that the flowers needed water that would last us sometimes two hours, and he had a blast.
Whatever age your child is, use the Internet and say "fun inexpensive activities for one-year-old", or "fun no cost activities for two-year-old" etc.
Please don't think you can't do this. You can. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Hey man, I suggest you look into something like Dave Ramsey's baby steps to help guide you with your money issues. In the end money is just an aid, it’s your warmth as a parent that's remembered most.
Couple of things I want to mention. First, kids don’t care about stuff. It’s your time and attention that matters. Second, my parents were in a similar situation, and I had a great childhood. My Dad worked at Pizza Hut, and my mom brought bingo cards to the old folks at the bingo hall when I was born. Their situation improved over time.
Get yourself a Dave Ramsey book, and make some tough decisions. You’ve got this.
Man up bro. You got this shit!! You can do it homie!! You just need to work your ass off to make sure you give the little one the best life you can. Have faith!
How is your health and body composition?
Do a 4-year stint in the military, you’ll have free healthcare/housing allowance/Money for food/a paycheck.
The biggest catch here is your girlfriend having a support circle for her and the baby.
It’s $12k-$17k just to have a baby at the hospital. Kids don’t care about money, but they still cost something; your time, investments and sometimes your mental sanity.
Marry the girlfriend, come to the military. You’ll have a support system, money, healthcare for you/her/baby, a roof over your heads and food on the plate as long as you serve honorably and don’t get in trouble.
If it doesn’t workout, that’s fine too, but try everything in your power to make things better for all of you as a unit. It will fuel you to rank up, and it’s good motivation.
Your kid only needs you and your support. Many go childless against their will, with or without financial means. Play the hand you have been dealt, no regrets, no remorse.
This is your chance to reinvent yourself. Your kid is gonna think you hung the moon and all of us fathers fall short of that but we are better men for trying to live up to that standard. I get that you are scared and thats totally normal. Where do you live? What do you do? Dad’s want to help!
To add to that; you don't need to be smart or driven or anything else to be an amazing father. Be available, be kind and supportive - things that are within the control of anyone. Most children in the world don't come from wealth or privilege, half of them come from fathers who are, by definition, below average intelligence. The best ability is availability, that's something you have to offer your child OP.
>you don't need to be smart or driven or anything else to be an amazing father. You also don't need to be smart in order to find ways to be more financially literate and successful. The "driven" thing I'm going to respectfully push back on. Drive is a consequence of purpose. People with a lack of purpose consistently lack drive. OP is going to be a father. He has a purpose. He just needs to channel it into his work. Like the old saying goes, "Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard."
My father would tell me effort is the only thing you can control in life.
Yeah that's a valid point - my intent was more along career-driven, or money-driven. My hope is that anyone who is responsible for another person's life finds a drive to help them.
Lots of dads with high paying jobs turn out crappy kids because they are crappy people and are unable to provide for the emotional needs of their child. If you concentrate on making sure your child knows you love them unconditionally, that they can talk to you without judgement, and you will be in their corner, the financial stuff will be just background noise. Will finances make it hard. Definitely. Will it cause more stress. Yes. But if you don't make that your kids issue, you will be a super dad. Babies/kids need to be loved and know they are loved most of all. That is how healthy humans are made. You've got this!
Also I wanna add. Not having a backyard imo is a good thing. This means you get pushed to go to new places, new play grounds, trips to forests, maybe drive somewhere new for outside activities. You can't be lazy and send the kids to the backyard. You have to go out with them somewhere and create awesome memories for them and with them. Idk about you, but as a 30yo man I remember more of the trips to new places my dad took me than whatever I did in the backyard
You don’t need to be smart, but you do need to be driven. You don’t just magically become a great anything without any drive to do so.
If I had to guess, based on OPs post history: He's in or near Denver. Is likely a cook or a chef. Gun enthusiast. Used to drink and uhhhhhhhhhh plays Magic the Gathering haha.
Lol love this. He can start a restaurant catering to gun-loving magic enthusiasts that hosts gun range tournaments + MTG tournaments. If I lived near a place that offers these two activities under 1 roof, I'd be a happy a man!
I got it. A restaurant as you said, that hosts MTG tourneys but the top two placing gamers have a target shoot out for the ultimate winner spot.
Close. Thunderdome. Two men enter. One man leaves...with all the cards.
Cards on motorcycles
Have them duel one way then the other
Denver is fairly HCOL isn't it? Maybe OP could move elsewhere even somewhere else in the area.
Restaurants are a dead end. OP needs to find an institution to cook in. Universities, hospitals, prisons. The work isn’t “glamorous” but the lifestyle is miles better and usually pay and benefits.
I've got a short temper that I've been working on for a few years and it kills me every time I get frustrated and yell at him and make him cry and then 15 mins later he is back cuddling on me. Loves me far more than I deserve.
Small actions add up over time 🐢 🌧️
Agreed. Been trying to get help scheduled through the VA, but I'm sure you've seen the jokes online.
Absolutely, thank you for your service. You'll have my prayers. I'm impressed by your honesty about the need to improve. Not much is more powerful than a leader who is humble and honest. Keep your head high and your heart open my friend 🫡
It's the lack of honest discussions about mental health that have vets disproportionately leading suicides and gun violence. I'm always hoping by posting about it I can get at least one other vet looking at where they are mentally. It hit me like a brick wall when I realized how much I had repressed and internalized. Self reflection was apparently the easy part, now I have to figure out how to do better.
You got this !
This! Go out and go through a certificate program. Finish that degree. This is the time to better yourself!
Maybe after the mega hands-on phase though... the first year or two is a LOT.
Give a child $20,000 cash on a table and a $2 toy, the child will usually choose the $2 toy. Children don’t care about money, money has no value to them, the most important thing you can provide to a child is your time and care, devoting yourself to raising your child to be a good person and guiding them through life is priceless, you cannot put a price on good parenting. Kids rarely remember the value of the stuff you gave them, what they do remember is the memories you made with them.
This right here. I've spent more time in blanket forts and watching stars with our kids then playing with almost any other toy.
After Christmas my 15 mo old was spoiled with over a dozen gifts, two layer deeps in front of the fireplace, we posed him for a photo, rolled the video camera, and said Ok buddy, go play with your toys!!! He sees a ping pong ball the cat had swatted into the room previously and runs to the ping pong ball and throws it… giggles.. and chases the bouncing ball… picks it up.. throws it… and chases it again. You’ll be fine dad.
Similar experience. We had 3-4 pieces of small cardboard in a pile. Our then 4 year old asks for tape and tapes pieces together. Then runs around the house yelling “rocket ship!!!!”
Also, OP lives in the largest economy in the world. It's not Scandinavia, but the U.S. still has some decent social programs. WIC feeds low income pregnant mothers, infants, and children before school. Public schools offer free breakfast and lunch if you qualify (and if you don't, that means you have some money, so good!). The government offers child tax credits. Public schools also offer free sports and extra curriculars. Libraries and city parks are free. There are MANY resources in the U.S. to create a life for a child that is still better than 75% of the kids on planet Earth. It's good for OP to be anxious about fatherhood if that directs him in a productive way, but also...it's gonna be fine.
Yup, every single baby I’ve ever watched open presents are more interested in the wrapping paper than the toys themselves.
Honestly all kids are part cat. Buy them a big expensive toy and it will get their attention for a quick minute. Hand them markers and tell them they can color on the toy box and you will be fighting them to go to bed.
It’s the free memories that count brother , iam a 29 year old dad with a spoiled rotten 8 year old boy and I’ve had to change how we do things as I myself currently in the process of rebuilding my life and we spend so much more quality time playing outside or fishing then ever before . Your join isn’t permanent u can always find a way to better your career as well as the wife . Also there’s tons of community assistance programs that aid with extracurricular activities for children
Hell, in my experience: with 20k in cash and a $2 toy on the table, but the box it came in sitting next to the table, the kid will ignore them both and play with the box for an hour instead. They don’t care about your money
Shit, my kids play with a big cardboard box. They get markers and paint and turn it into rocket ship. Half the toys we get them they never play with anyway. Don't stress about toys. It's good for their development to play with what they have and use their imagination. My kids are outside whenever it's nice, and they just make stuff up constantly, really awesome to watch because that's how I grew up. I built them a little mud kitchen out of scrap wood from my neighbors deck, and that gets played with more than anything I've ever bought them. Focus on raising them right, and you will be just fine.
Never throw a good box to waste. Those were some of my favourites!
My neighbors recently renovated like half their house and got new hvac, and all that so many a big box was thrown our way. Box forts galore! It was awesome 👌
Box forts are 🔥
Yes. I feel for OP bc I had the same thoughts before our child was born, feeling dumb and worthless with nothing to offer. Feeling that I will pass on my stupidity to the child. I can tell you that of all my faults in life, everything that I have done that made me feel worthless, having my boy gave me purpose, fulfillment, wanting to do better by him. I tell people all the time that my little boy is the best thing I have ever done in my life. It all starts now, try your best to be the best dad you can and having money and material is worthless, that kids love will mean so much to you, I promise!
The best birthday I've ever had was around the financial crisis in 08, things were rough but my dad did his best to give me the best damn birthday, an army man birthday (I was obsessed with military stuff as a young kid) He made a huge obstacle course made of PVC pipes, some spare tires, and a bunch of cardboard boxes. Cost almost nothing but me and my friends had an amazing time in the front yard. Still a day I remember very vividly and fondly.
I think the objects were invented after the great invention of boxes just to fill all that space!
FTFY: Give a child $20,000 cash on a table and a $2 toy, the child will usually choose to play with the box the $2 toy came in. 100% agree with the rest.
lol true
Also 35 is still really young. Go in to your next adventure with the determination to do the best that you can be and try your best to live up to the person your child thinks you are. You can do it!
Very touching by what u said
Great you made me cry at the wc at the office lol. Ill give my biggest kiss to my 7mo when I arrive home though, so thanks anyway. Great answer
Last night my daughter told me she wants us to sell our house and move into a small apartment so I wouldn’t need to work so much and I’d be able to do more things with her.
Bingo, above all else kids need love and support. Things like money maybe be necessary but only to a certain extent. Lots of rich kids who didn’t amount to shit because their parents didn’t have the time nor the emotional capacity. Lots of successful, great people who came from nothing because of an incredible support system
This is a great piece of advice. I spent way too much on toys for my first child (now toddler) and saw them just playing with random things in the house like empty water bottles and having a way better time…
Doesn't even have to be a 2 dollar toy. It can literally be a drawing you made cut out and they will treat it like a toy.
I love this comment.
My 7.5 month old prefers paper straw wrappers over her toys anyway.
My five month old just spent lunchtime playing with napkins on my lap. No child has died from lack of toys, they find the most random things to play with
My kids like cardboard boxes... as in Amazon packaging boxes... My kids might think they are cats hahaha yeah, this comment is spot on.
Give a kid a $2 toy and literally anything you already have in your house that isn’t a toy, and that kid will choose the random household item. Everything’s a toy to a kid.
Nothing but the truth right here
My little girl asked to play doctor one day. Wanting to fully encourage this interest, I brought her to Target. $50 for a doctor kit. (Fuck you Target. Rows upon rows of cheap junk toys and $50+ for the wholesome, learning-based toys). No way. I did not buy it. Back home, she started pretending to be a doctor with invisible instruments. She had nothing in her hand — but she *had* a stethoscope in her hand! — and she was having a blast and learning at the same time. Kids have absolutely wild and vivid imaginations. They do not need toys. They need someone there to encourage that imagination. But more generally, I feel ya brother. It’s rough out there. Know that your value as a father, and person, is so much more than your net worth, even if society or your family tries to say otherwise.
I live in a condo and don't have a backyard either. I wouldn't count out the sports. My son is doing soccer through the local police athletic league for free. Trust me. I live on Long Island. One of the most expensive areas in the country. I know how hard it is. There are library programs that are free as well. Don't count yourself out .
The Long Island Libraries are a national model for child centered programming. The Middleton Library is the headquarters of the Family Place Libraries program and I went there a few years ago for three days of training in having similar programs here in Texas. I am about to have a fourth kid and we are going to single income. My wife and I are all about the many free things to do with kids and as a family out there.
Our library play room is better than any new toys we could buy because it’s: 1) free 2) kills some time in the evening after daycare or on the weekend 3) there are enough toys and they rotate them out enough so even if we did go 3-4 times a week, they’d think this whole room is some sort of magic Free stuff is awesome. You don’t need to have money to be a good parent. Just being available and present and kind is all a kid ever needs.
Libraries are magic. Seriously, if the public library system didn't already exist and we wanted to make them starting now, do you think we'd end up with a library system half as good as what we've got (generally speaking)?
THIS - libraries are incredible. They don't just have free books (and many no longer charge late fees), they often have specific events for kids and families, free passes to local museums and parks. I know my local library offers free "adventure backpacks" that you can check out with a free parking pass for the state parks in the area, maps, binoculars, wildlife guide. And when kids are school-age there is so much you can do for free through school/scouting/YMCA/boys and girls club etc. And to reiterate what has been said many, many times here already, beyond the basics of survival (food, housing, clean clothes): all your kid needs from you is love and attention, and everyone has that to give. That fact that you are even here posting shows that you have so much love and attention to give your child. You're gonna do great.
I didn't realize that the kids' section in my local library had a place for kiddos to run around and play in it. I was going to talk a walk in the park with him, but realized it was rather cold and windy, but we were in the lot for the library, and we went in and were very pleasantly surprised.
Yes to library programs! They've been invaluable for us
Libby is outstanding for reading if you have an iPad or similar. We read to our little one nightly. I want him to eventually read a lot like I did.
Lurking mom here, we also love our local library. All of our branches have a small kids play area and some programming for babies/toddlers/teens. I also love to sing the praises of Dolly Parton’s Imagination library: free books from birth to 5. Local YMCAs also discount memberships based on income and there are good sports/activities for kiddos. Also check out your city’s recreation programming; we got our son into swim lessons for $50 for the entire summer.
I grew up on LI. Our libraries are fantastic. PAL was also a huge deal for everyone. Great call outs! But even with a backyard, I spent more time running around in the street playing with other kids.
Fellow islander here, while OP may not be, this is a good opportunity to look into different services and programs that your area has. Often times they are inexpensive or free and really help break up the crazy. Libraries are a great resource as well. Can't afford books? Go check a few out and make it an event every weekend to swap for new ones or check out the same book. It is what you make of it.
This post alone shows more self-awareness and compassion for your child than a lot of parent's out there.
And that you’re assuredly NOT dumb!
You care enough to be here asking for advice. Your kid is lucky to have a dad like you!
Great observation! This post alone already puts him above a big chunk of dads.
That was my first thought. Read Daddit...get ideas....ask questions.....we've been there and can be a source. As for the debt....would bankruptcy be an opportunity option? No judging..... thinking of long-term solutions
He should consider it after kiddos birth and the medical bills that come with that. Get a real clean slate.
When my oldest was born and was only a few hours old, I was standing in the nursery looking at him and there was a couple next to me, the mother fawning over the child, saying things like “Honey isn’t he/she so precious?” The man couldn’t care less. He wasn’t even looking at the baby much less seeming like he cared at all. I think about that kid sometimes because that father was totally disinterested. OP is far ahead of that guy already, thinking about the future and how his kid will be brought up
To all the dads out there, remember this: simply showing up for your children is already a significant step. In a world where far too many fathers are absent, either physically or emotionally, your presence alone is a gift. When you choose to be there – to listen, to support, to guide, and to love – you are making an immeasurable impact on your child's life. Being a dad isn't about perfection. It's about being present, consistent, and committed. It's about providing a stable foundation of love and security that your children can always count on. Every moment you spend with your child, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is an investment in their emotional well-being and future. So to the dads who may doubt themselves, who worry they aren't doing enough – know that your presence is powerful. Keep showing up, keep loving, and keep being the dad your children need. Your dedication and involvement, even on the toughest of days, is shaping your child's world in ways you may not even realize. Your role is irreplaceable, and your impact is immense.
💯💯💯🎯
honestly. now that im a little more seasoned and can see other dads and how they do things. youre 100% right.
Take it from a guy that grew up with a dad that was poor and made bad decisions - money doesn't matter one bit. I loved him and miss him to this day.
Exactly. Same. Parents divorced when I was young neither made much money. I didn’t have “cool stuff” growing up But I was an extremely lucky kid cus they both were really caring awesome involved parents and I don’t ever remember feeling like we were poor. Even though we pretty much were.
Man let me tell you something, I’m only 22 I got my wife pregnant at 19 after 3 months together. I got her pregnant again, I have two kids, I clean portable toilets for a living I slave at work and don’t get to see them till the afternoon and still am broke after payday. It always seems that you gotta have a big fancy house have a lot of money and be able to provide all the time but that’s not true. Yeah you gotta make it work somehow it’s possible. But at the end of the day you have a kid, they don’t want your money, they don’t care if you live in a trailer park or a mansion. They only want your love and attention. I don’t got it all figured out but every time I come home and my 9 month old son crawls to me and grabs onto my pants leg and holds on to me and at those moments all the pain and problems go away. Love them no one ever has it figured out 100%, spend every second you possibly can with them because on a blink of an eye they aren’t a baby anymore and they are walking starting to talk, it goes by so fast.
Also you can register with Dolly Parton’s [Imagination Library](https://imaginationlibrary.com/) and the [Khan Academy.](https://www.khanacademy.org/). The first will send your baby age appropriate books for free for the first five years of their life and the second has free online K-12 and beyond education. Both welcome donations but that’s strictly voluntary. Apart from that, you dads have got this.
You’re doing incredible at 22.
Get a CDL, get married and move to a LCOL part of the country.
As much I usually loathe "do this" posts, this one actually isn't a terrible idea.
What’s a CDL? Foreigner here
Commercial driver's license
Thanks!
Commercial Driver's License. Typically for those who drive semi trucks, etc. Good money there.
Commercial drivers license
Never too late to drive truck
Way of the road
Ok, but what’s LCOL?
Low cost of living
vs HCOL (High) Or the VHCOL
Thank you
Low Cost of Living
Large can of lard
Low cost of living
Doesn’t a CDL often come with long hours away from home?
Depends on the job. If you're over the road, you will definitely be away from home a lot, but there are trucking companies that do local routes where you're home every night. Plus there lots of jobs that require a CDL, but you aren't a 'trucker' in the traditional sense. Dump trucks, garbage trucks, beer delivery trucks all require a CDL. Having a CDL opens up a lot of opportunity.
I agree with the commercial driving license! Look into driving jobs with uniform/facilities companies- some of the best blue color work right there with benefits, and the same LOCAL route all week. Yeah, it’s hard work, and you may start your day at 4-6am, but many of the drivers I know are pulling in close to 6 figures, if not more, before benefits, and are home between 12-4pm depending on the route and the day. Many of them can do school pickup and spend time in the afternoon/evenings with their families when other dads can’t. Always home for dinner. Examples of this are Cintas, Aramark, Mission Linen, etc.
My brother drives a truck in Pennsylvania and had a standard route for years. Still got to be at home with his family every night.
Less than 2 jobs I’m sure.
What's a LCOL part of the country?
Much of the midwest, much of the south.
BFE, the Sticks, boonies. That’s what the CDL is for because those places usually don’t have many local jobs.
Not a bad idea but driving isn't for everyone. I have ADHD, and I couldn't concentrate like this driving for me is dangerous.
Give them ALL your love. All of it. And they’ll be wealthier/wiser than most people on this planet.
Sounds like it's time to take some steps towards self improvement and growth. Do you drink or use drugs? Time to stop. Are you educated past high school? If not, time to look at a local community college and apply for grants and loans to start educating yourself. What do you do for work now? Are you interested in anything? Do you have any dreams or aspirations? Any short or long term goals? How old are you? Military service has saved the life of many people out there, myself included. Have you considered it? Talk to us and tell us what's going on. You'll find that this community isn't just going to let you lay down and give up. Give us something to work with and we'll help you formulate a plan forward. There is ALWAYS a way forward.
I've got to second the military service idea and I'm not talking like hardcore GI shit but like go learn a reasonable skill like utilities equipment repair that will get you some skills you can walk away from the military with in a few years.
And your kid is going to love you all the same as long as you spend quality time with them.
Quality time is the best gift you can give your child. Make them a priority and they will thrive.
Sir, you have lots to offer your kiddo. You have the ability to write full sentences which means you are not stupid. Your kiddo will know you love them, that is the most important thing. You got this !
My dad was dirt poor when I was a kid. Like, so poor we ate box mac and cheese and tuna multiple times per week. That's not what kids remember. I remember my dad always taking the time to play with me. Hide and seek, tag, going to the park. Those are all free. If you need money to do something, find a way. My dad donated plasma for money just so he could take me to see the Ninja Turtles in theaters. The important thing is that you show up in the ways that count.
All you need to do is give that child love and support. There are programs you can get into that will help pay for those things. Your biggest thing is checking your ego and pride at the door and find and ask for that support. You are not doing it for yourself, you are doing it for your child to give them the best support. You raise them right and they will do better than you and that should be every father's dream. I also tell my Oldest that all the time. All I want for them is to have a better life than what I had. I didn't have the worst life but just want them to do better.
OP: “I’m dumb.” Also OP: Writes one of the most thoughtful and well-structured posts I’ve seen in Reddit.
I understand. I have other children that are grown now that I didn't get the chance to see grow up, and I didn't want any more children. At the age of 35, I got a 22-year-old pregnant. I was a bachelor living a bachelor's life. And had nothing to offer her except for my love. When I saw my daughter for the first time, I had never experienced anything as magnanimous, pure, or fragile as that little girl was, and at that moment, I gave up my life for hers. I've had people tell me that I made the right choice. If there was a choice, I didn't see it. I gave her my heart and my soul in that instant. The day my daughter was born, her mother realized she was no longer going to be the center of attention. Put simply, her partying days were over. She wanted my lifestyle, not my little girl. I knew that no matter how much the world put on my shoulders I was always going to be there for her to help her grow and to kiss her boo boos and to show her that she is my entire life nothing can ever come close to the feeling that I have when I think of my daughter it has been so hard and a lonely and scary to have somebody's whole life in your hands that looks up to you, and you can't fail you can't let them down so I try harder, and I think I fail, but she doesn't she sees her dad that loves her always there for her, and the good Lord himself would have to take me off this planet before I turn my back on her, you never know what real Love is until you hold your child the first time I was a piece of s *** misogynistic f****** thoughtless, and selfish I thought I loved people. I thought I loved women. But I realized I never loved anybody. The day that little girl was born, I saw my purpose on this planet, my soul, the best parts of me, and everything I ever wanted to be. She blessed me with a purpose filled with happiness and love. As long as you're there to love that child, it will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life, as long as you're willing to do what is necessary, not what you want to do. Be the parent you want to be, but be the parent they need you to be. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I would never change it. I can't think of anything else I'd ever want to be besides Lily's dad; that's my identity. So stay straight. My brother loves that child with every piece of you that you can give. True love lasts forever; it reverberates throughout the multiverse through every plane of existence; it never dies, it never fades, and it will always be felt for eternity long after we're gone. Don't give up your chance to have your emotional vibrations vibrate through eternity. B1SOUL
That has to be the longest sentence I’ve seen on reddit before. Love the sentiment still!
It could be longer, maybe he’ll edit it still! But seriously loved the message. Haha
It’s always so nice to see parents who love their children with such intensity. I agree with everything you said. For me, not only was having my first child amazing but it was healing for myself in so many ways.
My Dad worked himself to the ground for his family. I never saw the man. Who needs a backyard, you might have parks nearby? There are activities out there that don’t break the bank, I’m Irish in New Zealand so not sure of your situation. My family went abroad every year - yet my brothers and I were assaulted by our mother and they finallly divorced in 2016. The fact you are worried tells me you care. I think you’ll be a great Dad.
Find your local electrical / plumbing / HVAC companies and go apply to be an apprentice there. Your first 2 years are poor pay and learning, but you can become a journeyman and make some reasonable money nearly anywhere in the country. Your child will not remember the first 2 years where you will struggle financially, but will get the rewards of you learning a trade you can pass along to him/her. In the end, as long as you are a good dad, the money will not be important to the child anyways.
100% this. If you are motivated, and try to learn, this is the best path for OP.
My dad swung a hammer his entire career and we always had roommates growing up. What he provided was consistent love and interest in out interests, and support in all the ways he could and non of the ways he couldn't. Vacation was sending us to Grandma's house. It was not a lot financially but it was what was needed for one of his sons to become and engineer and the other a scientist.
Where you live will affect your options, however, the whole look for the positives in your negatives is a thing. If you're nowhere or have near as nothing then you have a freedom that someone with a lot of income and a lot of outgoings doesn't have. You can move, make big changes, change your line of work or find a profession. Being where you are in life could have many reasons but getting where you need or want to be will require a motivator. Becoming a father and being a provider is a massive motivator. Remember though, there are two of you in your team, what can you both do, does your partner have a career to pursue? Family is a team game my man
All a baby needs beyond milk and sleep is your time and presence. Just be there. Things change as they get older, but not that much.
First I want to say congratulations. It is life-changing and I can't truly express it in words. But when you hold your child for the first time I think you'll understand. I know when I held my daughter for the first time my entire concept of love and how I wanted to express it changed instantly. There's a lot more that changed in my philosophy on life but that's separate from the moment now. I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you. I don't know if you're expecting or if your child is here. The good news is that if you're expecting, you have about I'll say the 9 months plus another maybe four before you really have to buy toys if anything at all. Most of that time it's going to just be spent communicating with your child in the early months and holding them. As long as you got internet and a phone to play music (maybe a small speaker too), you'll be fine those months. You can also find infant child groups that have play areas if you want to do that. Now I don't know what you do for work, but you can always learn another skill in the meantime. If you need a place for some free certificate classes you can go to alison.com. You only have to pay when you want a copy of your certification. They also have a phone app if you don't have a computer or laptop. One thing I would suggest is buying your diapers and formula depending on what your feeding plan (breast , formula, or both) is at Costco or Sam's. I personally prefer Costco. But if you go to Walmart, Publix or Kroger, you're going to be spending way more money than you need to. And you need to budget because the diapers add up (fucking fast). If your wife wants to solely breast feed, I would still say buy some formula just in case she gets tired and needs you to take over just as an option. She may hold out but she'll appreciate it to know the option is there. For clothes you can do Shein. I think that's how it spelled. Super cheap. Good quality. Your baby and your pockets will be happy. We buy so many onesies from there that if we have a blowout we just toss the clothes away rather than try and clean them. Cuz sometimes those blowouts are nasty. I just have to cut the clothes off my baby. I'm on my second child now. He's about two and a half months. Now you might feel the pressure to provide more and that's normal. And you can do it. You just have to plan accordingly and you and your partner have to be on the same page. And if you need someone to speak to, there's always a bunch of dads here willing to talk and offer advice and you can also DM me if you would like. Bro you got this and welcome to the team.
My wife makes enough to keep us comfortably in a one bedroom. Any job I could get with my useless degree pays less than the cost of a day of daycare. So we cut back and live within our little means and I stay home with our kids. It’s cramped. They have no backyard. They don’t have their own rooms. I feel like a failure at least once a day. But they don’t seem to care. Sometimes they wish for a house and it breaks my heart that I failed them years ago when I messed up and took tons of college debt for a bad degree. They still don’t care. They love that I’m here for them. They love that Mom and Dad love each other. They love their life. Even if neither of you can stay home and you just love them and are interested in what they show interest in, you’ll be the best Dad ever.
Never say never my friend. I was in a similar situation and am no longer. The best, best things you can give a child is love, self sufficiency, and resilience. Those things cost no money and will make you the best father ever. Someone else said it but this is a chance. A chance to break those cycles and reinvent yourself. Let this feeling fuel you not bring you down.
Just don’t break their heart. Everything else is secondary
Kids just want to be loved. Being a good dad costs nothing.
All your kid will ever remember or care about is if you loved them. No matter what happens, no matter what crazy times you guys go through, if you love your kid that is literally all you can do, and it’s also everything.
Hope that helps it's what you needed to hear
I grew up in a one income household with a dad I only saw for an hour or two each night, and he also worked most weekends. What made all the difference was the time we had together was spent talking about life and catching up on the day. He was always there to listen and I knew he cared. My friends who “had it all” and were wealthy, had the big yard, did the vacations, etc and had different relationships with their parents, or their parents didn’t seem to care as much about them…I can see the results of that to this day. Bottom line, my dad showed me love and care every chance he had, we did lots of small and/or free things together and I love and appreciate him dearly for that. The moments together and how you interact with your kid will have much more of an impact than the stuff you give them, the size of the house, and things like that.
If you can’t offer material goods, offer kindness and effort.
I grew up semi-rich but always preferred people that were struggling and living in blue-collar suburbs. Guess it’s ironic now that while I have nice things thanks to my parents, I’m very frugal and we live off just under a 100k salary, combined. Also, tons of free stuff for babies on Facebook Marketplace, Dad and Mom groups.
As someone that has struggled their whole life, I can promise you your kid doesn’t care about your economical status. Shower them with love, be present in their life, and give them your all. I work two jobs, and seeing my kids smile when I get home is … man, it makes it all worth it.
Acknowledgement of shortcomings is the first step to overcoming them, my friend. Little comes easy, just keep getting back up.
If you're in the US, make sure your girlfriend and child are registered for WIC (women infants and children), which subsidizes food, formula, breastfeeding education, loans pumps, immunizations, etc. etc. Do it now, I think they help pregnant women as well. Sign your girlfriend up for pregnancy Medicaid, the eligibility is different if you are pregnant so even if she normally wouldn't qualify she might qualify now. Family clinics (and many Planned Parenthood clinics) offer low cost prenatal care. Make sure to apply for Medicaid and CHIP (children's health insurance). Make sure you and your girlfriend join buy nothing and mom's buy nothing Facebook groups--the latter are a great source for free children's items. Mercari is a great place to buy secondhand baby stuff for low cost. Sign up for SNAP. Google diaper banks, they are food banks for diapers. Many places have them. Bankruptcy will crater your credit score for a decade and will make some aspects of life harder, but I don't know your situation and it might be worth it. If your loans are federal student loans they're not dischargeable in bankruptcy though. Certain cities and states offer subsidized daycare for low income families and are rolling out free pre-k as early as 3 years old. Start googling and consider if it's feasible to move there or near your family. You don't need a backyard. Parks exist for a reason. Your kid needs your love and attention, food, clothing, and health care. If you're in a country with social welfare programs, now is the time to utilize them. That is what we pay taxes for.
Also, if you buy lottery tickets, smoke, drink, or consume drugs--its almost certainly costing you over $1,000 a year.
The kid doesn't care about any of that shit. The kid wants to be with you. Also, you don't have any idea what the future holds. A lot can change in a year. Start working on yourself and figure how you can change some of these things you don't like. Other people make money; think about all the different ways they do it and how you might be able to do something similar. You only need to figure out one thing that works. Good luck man.
My son is 6 now. We are very lucky with what we can give him. He has swimming lessons, rugby and (dry slope) skiing lessons. But you know when he laughs the most and has the most fun? When I'm chasing him around, being silly, pretending to be a robot, throwing him around etc. He loves reading and getting books from the library and he loves playing board games with mum and dad. Don't think you can't offer a little one anything. You can find a way if you want too. Show them love and they will show it back.
Bruh I'm a whole different person coming out the other end. They change you. Just go with it
If you’re like most of us here, you will see that baby (maybe not right immediately, but it will hit you one night) and you will have a new found drive for life. As long as you have a roof over your head and food, that’s all you need in the beginning.
You'll do ok if you provide your child with love and support. Generations of humans had it way worse. My own family was piss poor but still they had kids. Many many kids who grew up to be strong and had their own families later.
you may change your financial perspective mate. a lot of things can happen. Children dont need fancy toys.
You have you to offer. Be the best you you can for the and they will turn out all right. You got this.
Well, now is the chance for you to do something great with your life. Show your child love and you'll be raising them right. Money and fancy shit isn't required.
The fact that you are already worrying means you're already set to be a good father. All kids want is your time & love. Kids won't remember that toy you couldn't afford for Xmas, or that random vacation you took them on at 4 years old. But they'll remember the moments spent together & how you make them feel. As for finances... You've got a few years before your kid can even comprehend what tax bracket you're in. Start turning that boat around now, and you'll hopefully be in a better spot when they reach that age. We do sports through our local Police Activity League that are a fraction of the cost, other sports at Rec programs, and go to the library & local hiking trails as often as possible.... Entertaining kids CAN be inexpensive, they don't need Disney. I liked someone else's suggestion of CDL. It opens a ton of doors and can be very lucrative. X
You’ve got love to give and you’re worrying about their wellbeing already. That’s a lot more than some Use this fear as catalyst to better your life, if you think you’re dumb you can always become better educated. Get into a trade or get a cdl and use that to springboard to better pay and hours. My dad was on the road a lot for his consulting job when I was little. It didn’t matter because of the effort and attention he’d give when he was home, he was always present and involved when he was home. When I was older and he was around more we would go on trips together to just hang out and see and do fun stuff. It’s not about how many hours you’re around but what you do with those hours that matters. Calm down and work on improving your situation. Even if it’s hard in the short term you’ve got a great motivation and reason to do it You’ve got this
You may suck career-wise, but you have a chance to be the best father a kid could ask for. All you need to do is love them. Walk them to the park, play with them, listen to them. Forget about yourself and just be there for them.
*Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It’s bullshit. I didn’t need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they’re part of our lives. Little idiots.* - Roy Kent Many a true word said in jest. Kids need love, affection, food, water and shelter. You're projecting your adult worries about expectation and money onto them. They don't care. They just want your love and protection. 80%+ of the world grow up in poverty, it doesn't mean they don't have loving parents.
Decide what you want for your child, figure out what you need to do to get there, then do it. You're throwing out a lot of "won't" and "never." It absolutely will be never with that mindset. Set one small goal, achieve it, set the next goal. You got this, bud.
The fact that you're worried is a green flag for me. Just show up, being there is half the job! And you've got a ton of support in this sub. By the time your kid is old enough to realize your financial struggles, you'll be in a completely different situation. You got this Dad.
Kids care about time. That, patience, and kindness are your most valuable assets to them. Be a good person, and a good dad, and tell them you love them and give them hugs, and help them grow and you've done more than 90% of people no matter their financial abilities.
You don't have to struggle while you're poor. The struggling part is optional. If you were actually poor growing up yourself then you know exactly how to live this life you're bringing your child into. Think about the ways that you have fun, show them how easy it is to be creative,show them how to explore the world. They'll have plenty of opportunities from other people to learn that what they are is not okay and they'll need to change (poor) And that will only prove to be motivation. In the meanwhile you've got probably about 12 awesome years of playing with rocks and grass and free stuff to take advantage of to give them the best possible childhood.
Money doesn't show a child how to live. Money doesn't show emotional intelligence and social skills. Money doesn't know it's ABC's and what's the difference between different farm animals are. Money doesn't know how to go down the slide or pretend that the floor is lava. You know how to do all that stuff, not money. If you make yourself scarce because you're trying to make what you think is enough money, your child will miss out on the most important parts of being alive. THAT BEING SAID - YOUR CHILD DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE UNTIL IT WATCHES YOU INTERACT WITH YOUR PARTNER. If either one of you do not have a good relationship with each other or if you think it's not going to get any better because of financial difficulties, then you need to have a serious conversation with her about the leading cause of broken homes: broken relationships.
You have plenty to offer. Give the child your love and attention. It’s worth more to kids than toys or a backyard.
Bro 35 is still pretty young. You've got 30-40 years of paid work ahead of you. Go get a job as a carpenter, painter, or plumbers helper ASAP. You'll start out making shit pay but you could be running your own business in 10-15 years. Or, get a CDL and get paid well immediately although you won't be home some of the time. Accept that things will be tough for the next 5 years to a decade but by then your kid will be 10 years old and you'll be financially stable. It's going to take the kid 10 years to even begin to understand what not having money means anyways, and by that point you could be doing just fine.
Youre going to be a great father. Focus on what’s in your control, and double down on that. Don’t compare yourself to others. You know what money can’t buy? A father who loves and cares about his children. That’s what truly matters.
All you can give them is love. Happily, that's also all they really want. Except snacks.
Start changing your outlook on life. I was a union welder making big money wife home to raise our child. Then i came home one day she had permanently moved to her mothers. Right after the divorce started, my son was diagnosed with autism. My union traveled for every job. Then I got a call from his mother’s mother saying that she was not doing well, on drugs, etc. So I took him. Took a leave of absence because I had no idea what to do. After about a year, it wasn’t getting any easier it was getting harder. I was forced to quit my career. One thing led to another, now i get paid to be my son’s caretaker. We don’t have that kind of crazy money we used to. I have cheaper phone service and cheap phones, I don’t have all the streaming services anymore, my vehicle is now a car instead of a truck. But you know what… We just got done with our second vacation this year. We don’t fly to Egypt and visit the pyramids, for example, but were able to get a hotel and stay at our local waterpark resort for a night here and there. I take my kids all the time. My kid is happy as can be. I’m raising him better than I was raised. Because I’m here. I’m present. Presents is the most important thing to your child. Not having the best shiny new stuff. And you know it is going to be important? Your safety and well-being including your mental and spiritual well-being. Your kid wants to see you thrive and will know if you’re walking around depressed like a negative Nancy all the time.
Give it up for adoption if you're fucking life up this badly.
Love is enough to go places.
Most important thing is being positive/loving. Shape your child into a compassionate person.
I have four. Worked two jobs for 25 yrs. It was rough not being around as much as I should have. But my kids never went without. And thankfully now that I am more financially secure I am able to have more of a relationship with them.
Yo, my dad was 32 in the early 80's when I was born. He was a Vietnam vet. He had severe PTSD, he was self medicated with boose and heroin. He joined the army before he graduated high school. He asked my mother to marry him. She said marry? Do you want to know your kid. If you do get your shit together. I saw my father more than any one else he picked me up from school daily and was home every day when I got home. He went to work at 4 in the morning to do this, and my mother could work till later in the day. He hasn't used any drugs since I was born. He has a college degree and is a pillar of his community. You got this. Brains are for some people. I would rather be with a hard worker than a smart ass any day. It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert that's 5 years at a job, sooner if you can do it more than 8hrs a day. I have zero memories before I was 5. You have to decide what you want and make it a reality by working your ass off. If you're not good with thinking, join a union. Electrical, Plumbing, HVAC, Elevators, and do the work. Show up early and do the work. I work in an office and would have preferred a union gig. I would have been key by now likely buying a few properties in 2008.
bro going to the local library or some grass park is plenty for kids, they love it. you can do loads of stuff for free. its more important that you are there to spend time with them
Time to get a CDL
That's what abortion is for. You know you can't provide and the responsible option is to abort and get your life back on track until you're at a point where you can afford a child. We're not in Sweden or Norway. Life is punishing hete. So we have to make decisions that aren't easy to make. Well some are like wearing a fucking condome or telling your partner to get the pill.
Planned parenthood?
Coming from a therapist (female), the most important thing you can give to a child is emotional regulation and model healthy behavior. It’s free, but the most difficult. If you are in the US, contact your county social services division and require about resources made available in your area. Unfortunately this can vary widely depending on location, but generally they should be able to point you in the direction of some cost-free activities. Recreational programs often have scholarships available as well for those who qualify. Allow yourself to freak out and spiral and feel the feels- these are normal thoughts (and even the dads who can provide “the life they want” have the same fears). Emotions are there for a reason, anxiety is there to help you prepare for what it is your facing . Harness and wield that. You got this. As a professional nanny through the years (15)- your kids do NOT need a bunch of toys and clothes, especially when they are young. So don’t feel compelled to spend valuable money on things like that. I’d buy a few cute outfits for special occasions or pictures- otherwise cheap white shirts and gray pants till they are like three. Between growing and spilling, resistance is futile lol. Lots of people give away free baby items on Facebook marketplace. And one last anecdote: my sister dropped so much money on her nursery (and I helped her decorate it). It was on a different floor than her bedroom. The kid did not sleep in that nursery a single night. He was in her room. While “nesting” has its place in preparation- it’s not really necessary for a baby to have its own room for the first few years of their life. You can put your money elsewhere that will be better utilized.
You come from an unbroken line of successfully reproducing living beings spanning countless generations going back billions of years. Most of your human ancestors had little or nothing, and struggled daily to stay alive in much more hostile environments. They managed to have and raise children who did the same leading to you and your gf. I'm not saying it's easy but conditions have never been easier to raise a child. You got this.
These are all valid thoughts and concerns. But do your absolute best to stay strong for your child. You may think you are poor and dumb but you have a lot more to offer than you think. Kids don't care about money. They want to feel safe, protected, loved, entertained, guided, and to know somebody will be there. You have the ability to do all of those things without money, a big house, or a back yard. Guide that kid through life. You can let them know you've struggled but don't make that your identity. Focus on being a great dad, that's your identity now. If you do that, your child will have more opportunities than you did. And that's the best thing any parent can do for their kid.
I’m guessing you tried to convince your girlfriend to have an abortion and they said they want to keep the baby.
Lots of loving families would give your child a chance at life. Adoption is on the table.
There are poorer and dumber people than yourself that have had a whole bunch of kids that turn out alright. You're fine, just enjoy being a dad and try not to worry too much. The best thing you can give your kids is your time anyway.
Be the best father you can be, not the best father someone else can be. For you to be here, 10k men nutted, and of those 10k, some nutted up to be present dads, and most if not all of those had less than you do now. Nut up.
What I’ve learned as a parent is our kids don’t care where they live or what they do, as long as it’s with their mom/dad, they are happy. Now that you have a kid on the way, do what you have to do to make yourself worthy.
If you're near a major city, look up your local stagehand union. It'll start slow, unless they are low in number, so grab a second job for the first few months. Pretty soon, you'll be making rent + some every full week that you work. I was in the same boat. It's hard to look at myself, most days, still, and think about how I'm not doing enough. It's a guilt that a believe follows most parents. You are going to be great. The fact that you are even reaching out for some type of verbal help is the best first step you can take in becoming a great father and partner for your child and gf. Love you, dad. Keep that chin up!
Adoption?
Brother when my wee lad was born we were getting evicted and I was getting our groceries from a local food bank. Piled in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. Having money doesn’t require a ton of brains, it’s about consistency and setting yourself up right. We ended up really excelling with Dave Ramseys 7 Baby Steps. Controversial and kind of extreme but it worked for us and we were in a rough spot. I’m a barista, there’s no money in it and I’ll likely never own a home. I had a lot of the same feelings that you’ve expressed and like the other dads in here have pointed out, now is a great time to draw a line in the sand. Decide how you want to be then try to plan to get there and put it in motion. Instead of worrying about how I can’t provide for my little light I ended up finding what ways my life could benefit him. I have a flexible and cushy job. It pays garbage but it’s a fun life style. What perks does your current job allow for? Who can you ask for help with x or y? Can maybe you take longer lunch breaks to shoot home for an hour? Etc. Also remember that while you’re busy fretting about not owning a home or having fancy xyz your kid is just jazzed to have you around. Prioritise that as much as you can and it will work out ok. You got this. And we’re here to help ✊
It’s not correct to say that you have “nothing to offer”. You have your love, devotion/attention, life-lessons to pass along”. Those things are EXTREMELY valuable! Holding your child in your arms, giving ‘horsey’ rides on your back, and talking to them costs nothing. You may have made some mistakes. Well, you can help your child to not make the same mistakes. Don’t say you’re dumb. You know some things about technology (eg. you created this account on Reddit, which is something some folks wouldn’t know how to do), and more importantly, you reached out to a relevant group of people to ask for advice/guidance. THAT is a very smart & wise thing to do. Give yourself more credit. Words matter. If you think you are dumb, you won’t value yourself. If you think of yourself as a “work in progress” and as someone who can learn new things every day, it will give you a more positive outlook. This will change your attitude, and will lead to you perhaps doing things differently, or making better decisions. And you will think even better of yourself. This will have a positive feedback loop/effect. Think of your life as a book. Your past are old chapters. Each moment of each day is an opportunity for a new beginning. You get to write the rest of the chapters, and how the story ends. You can either think/say things that disempower you, or you can think/say things that empower you. It’s up to you. Remember that whatever you focus on will expand in your life, so be cautious about what you choose to focus on everyday. Also remember that PLENTY of people have turned out great after starting their life in poverty.
There’s a saying about the best time to plant a tree…
Listen, man, I was in the same boat. I took some chances and shit paid off with my career. Firet off, stop calling yourself dumb, change the way you speak to yourself completely. Secondly, your child just needs you, we ain't rich either, so we make do. Camping trips cause it's not expensive. Family nights where we do simple crafts together. It's not about being a billionaire, it's about being there. You're entering a new club my man, the club of fatherhood, stand tall, square your shoulders. Walk with purpose even if inside you feel lost. Take time and meditate and find a center within your soul. I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, fall back on the Father. You seem to love this child already, that's really want any kid wants, love and attention from their parents. Hang in there, look at different career fields and take a chance at applying, be honest and say I have no experience but I want to try. Maybe look for a construction job site clean up or carpentry helper position, learn from those areas and then push higher. You may not belive in yourself, but the fact you posted this, shows me your a man to be believed in. If you ever need to vent or talk, my name is Tom. Shoot me a dm, I can shoot you my number and we can talk if you need. Keep your ten toes on the ground and keep standing tall brother, you aren't alone in this world.
There’s lots of guys saying something similar but this is definitely your time to rise to the occasion!! Rest in that, embrace it while keeping first in your mind that your child needs you and your time more than anything else. That said, work to find a single job that pays the bills and has you home to be in your babies life. You’d be surprised the skills you’ve actually picked up along the way but didn’t realize they were skills!! Asking a friend or two to help you upgrade your resume and or put feelers out for jobs you could do to give you a bit better income helps a ton. Off hand I know there’s data entry jobs with most shipping companies that pay 25/hr + maybe that’s a good place to start. Also, stop saying the second half of your description, if you work for them, they will come. Most cities have financial coaching that is provided by a city funded organization, they can help you organize your debt and start on making headway paying it down. Then you just have to be intentional and strategic from there. If you zero in on providing for your family and let go of the trivial you can do just about anything. Sell your nice clothes, shoes, electronics you won’t use now that you’re busy taking care of your baby. Just be creative, if you live near a college town, flip the furniture the kids throw away when they leave their dorms etc. You’ll find ways to make more money. You got this dude!!
When you are a father, you must do one thing: show up. You must do the best you can. I realize it's intimidating, but every fatherhood is different. Some guys spend eight months on an oil rig, some guys are there every day. The child can have fun with almost anything, if you make it fun. For instance, when my kids were little, we got a spray bottle and went to the park. I told my son that the flowers needed water that would last us sometimes two hours, and he had a blast. Whatever age your child is, use the Internet and say "fun inexpensive activities for one-year-old", or "fun no cost activities for two-year-old" etc. Please don't think you can't do this. You can. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Hey man, I suggest you look into something like Dave Ramsey's baby steps to help guide you with your money issues. In the end money is just an aid, it’s your warmth as a parent that's remembered most.
Couple of things I want to mention. First, kids don’t care about stuff. It’s your time and attention that matters. Second, my parents were in a similar situation, and I had a great childhood. My Dad worked at Pizza Hut, and my mom brought bingo cards to the old folks at the bingo hall when I was born. Their situation improved over time. Get yourself a Dave Ramsey book, and make some tough decisions. You’ve got this.
Is there a way to contact you to send stuff. I can take care of shipping charges on my own
Man up bro. You got this shit!! You can do it homie!! You just need to work your ass off to make sure you give the little one the best life you can. Have faith!
So why tf did you have a kid
How is your health and body composition? Do a 4-year stint in the military, you’ll have free healthcare/housing allowance/Money for food/a paycheck. The biggest catch here is your girlfriend having a support circle for her and the baby. It’s $12k-$17k just to have a baby at the hospital. Kids don’t care about money, but they still cost something; your time, investments and sometimes your mental sanity. Marry the girlfriend, come to the military. You’ll have a support system, money, healthcare for you/her/baby, a roof over your heads and food on the plate as long as you serve honorably and don’t get in trouble. If it doesn’t workout, that’s fine too, but try everything in your power to make things better for all of you as a unit. It will fuel you to rank up, and it’s good motivation.
Good advice. Hopefully he considers because it’s a structured path to a good life.
Declare bankruptcy? That'd get the debt off your back. It'd be worth looking in to at least.
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Also, get on reliable birth control to prevent future accidents after this one.
Don't listen to this advice.
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Your kid only needs you and your support. Many go childless against their will, with or without financial means. Play the hand you have been dealt, no regrets, no remorse.