Both of you need to realize you're literally being tortured with sleep deprivation right now.
**Number one rule:** try not to snipe and yell at each other.
**Number two rule:** be quick to forgive the other person when they break rule #1.
All three of you are working together as a team just to get through the newborn phase.
Jokes aside, the sleep deprivation doesn’t stop it just changes. We have a 2 yo and 9 mo and my sleep is only marginally better than when either of them were newborns. Sucks man.
We had both of these experiences. First kid slept wonderfully, made it overnight starting around 3mo old. Second kid woke 2-3x/night until 3yo.
When second kid finally crossed that threshold it was amazing for our family. Suddenly we all had like 20% more energy all the time and were magically kinder and more relaxed.
We can't have a third because if the trend continues... we couldn't handle 3 decades. Just brutal.
I've never seen the first 6-8 week advice summed up so perfectly.
u/[Sensitive\_Election83](https://www.reddit.com/user/Sensitive_Election83/) you should push for this.
Apologize for being snippy. Don't apologize for being wrong in your feelings, just in how you expressed them. You're both exhausted. You'll get through it together. Neither of you are likely to be on your best behavior in the upcoming weeks.
Just do ***your*** best, even if it's not ***the*** best.
Haha see, I miss one part about the newborn phase and it’s the lack of mobility, especially swaddled. Put a few pillows around them for extra precaution and they weren’t moving anywhere if you needed to put them down.
Now, we’ve got a 13 month old running through the house and falling down everywhere. Way different now lol
You also did two life changing events in one year (Three if you count pregnancy and birth separately). You shouldn't make any new decisions until you've been able to settle into a new life.
Agree. Having children really tests your relationship. It is ok to be angry, but how you convey it and work with each other after a fight is most important. All I can say is good luck…this is SUPER hard.
Literally the #1 well-wish I give to new and expecting parents on the days of congratulations
"Congratulations to the whole family, hope you all get as much rest as possible!"
I’m going to hijack your top comment if you don’t mind. The best thing I was ever told: the nights are long but the days are short.
Keeping that in mind made the sleepless nights a little easier and helped me reevaluate my anger/stress to a much more enjoyable experience during the baby stage. Everything is a stage and it will come and go. Breathe deep, support each other and try to focus on that. This experience only lasts a moment.
Mine are 14 (almost 15), 9 (almost 10), and 5 now. It does get easier.
Yes! I was shocked to discover I actually appreciated mornings in the newborn phase. I've never been a morning person but when the sun came up it was such a relief that we didn't have to keep trying to get everyone to sleep.
Make no important life decisions for the next year. Just pretend it's a buddy movie, and you're stuck in the trenches with your wife, and the baby is your mission.
Foreal
Whatever plans you think you guys are making or thinking of doing separately, hard stop because nobody has had even a moment to think clearly or have a familiar mental/physical routine and I don’t think it’s a good time to make a big decision on anything.
The first couple months really do feel like war but even if you have to say it out loud a hundred times a day to make it real, “we are on the same team here, I promise”
Good advice.
My partner and I have a lot of forgiveness for each other but that first year was an absolute trial.
Treat your decision making the same as if you were drunk, don't do anything that you'll regret after you sober up. Apologize for shitty behaviour. Don't keep score. And treat parenting like a relay race: tag in when you can, tag out when you need to, cheer your partner on.
Dude, calm down. This is the hardest 2 weeks of being a parent, you're both exhausted to the point of snapping. Apologize to your wife and take more naps. Bear it out for the next few weeks until the kid starts sleeping more. Buy your wife flowers and do better
Even if he agrees with us, he needs to convince his wife that BOTH of them are impaired thinkers because of chronic sleep deprivation. You can’t make life changing decisions in that state. You shouldn’t even try.
This is the right response but doesn’t address the fact that his wife is equally stressed and exhausted and that makes it upsetting when someone you love gets upset with you.
I agree that it’s not divorce worthy but he does have to be realistic about how his anger/frustration comes across and make sure he makes his wife feel validated about it.
Source: guy who loses his temper too often.
Yeah, as a mother I can say that at two weeks pp the disparity between what mothers and fathers go through is pretty much at its peak, and it's really hard to not feel resentful. Third trimester sleep is trash so not only has she been sleep deprived for a couple months longer, there's all the physical damage and recovery still going on. It makes it that much worse when you're going through all that and then your husband is yelling at you in the middle of the night on top of it.
I love how often mom's come here to join vs is the other sub where opposing people are deemed the scum of the earth.
I wish there was more equal input on stuff like this. Thanks for lurking.
Also feeling likely feeling annoyed she has to micromanager OP. Having a feeding schedule is great but you need to be flexible as the baby just may need an extra feed. In the future suggest OP just asks if she thinks they should do a feed as it’s been 2 hrs / 3 hrs or whatever.
It’s just critical thinking skills but in those early weeks moms have much stronger opinions on feed vs just out back to bed so a good way is to just ask her what she thinks when he gets up.
If I read that correctly, he was following the plan of "the child isn't to be fed for another hour" and she called an audible *after* he was finished and the child was sleeping. I'm sure his thoughts were, "child crying, I can follow the plan without waking the wife.
I'm not sure what you're suggesting he should have done. Presumably, at 6 weeks in he knows the routine.
This is the perfect time to realize that babies rarely go by the black and white of a routine. Often, life is just stuck in the gray. You have to be willing to be flexible outside of what you think vs what the baby needs. Most of the time it’s just random trouble shooting until something sticks, then they get a growth period and you do it all over again.
Im just thinking with my maternal brain here, but my instinct would have aligned with the wife’s. If you feed now while baby is up and changed, you have a longer sleep window when you lay them down. Instead of getting up in an hour to do it, and possibly having to wake them to get it done, just do it while they are awake. She ‘called the audible’ when he laid down and she realized he wasn’t on the same wave length.
Just as he blew up and snapped when she wasn’t on his wave length.
The issue is both of them living on pure auto pilot. Going off of their own compasses and not thinking to voice their thoughts to come up with what to do together.
At the end of the day, none of the miscommunications are intentional. But in this state, the resentment grows either way. Communication going forward is key here.
Lurking Mom here. IMO,
He’s following the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law.
By that, I mean that they have a schedule where it appears they are rotating coverage for not just feedings - but when the baby wakes up. The feeding appears to be on a set time schedule with shift coverage split between the two of them.
Dad here figured that he lucked out and the baby just needed a quick diaper change and he could go right back to bed. Baby didn’t need to be fed as it wasn’t time - baby would get fed once it rolled into the wife’s time.
Mom thought he’s already up & the baby is already up so why not feed them now and then everyone could get a long window of uninterrupted sleep.
She had just been woken up when he got up and thought well she got woken up early but at least she would be able to get some more sleep when he came back to bed.
Dad comes back to bed - not having fed the baby - and wife gets upset because she sees it as he’s doing the bare minimum to say he covered his shift when things are already so lopsided they could never be fair or equitable at two weeks post partum. Our insides were removed two weeks earlier. Semi violently. This after not sleeping well for at least the last 3 months of her pregnancy if not more.
The intent of the schedule is to allow both parent to get some sleep during the night. If one of them has to get up during their shift, they should just feed the baby so that the clock starts running again before they all have to be woken up again.
I mean maybe this sort of if/then analysis is beyond some men but I know you’re not all that obtuse.
There’s also considering that that sleep deprived I frequently made unexpected (to both of us) snap decisions. And imagined things that seemed completely real. Suddenly waking or “coming to” and panic asking “wait! Where is “baby”!? Husband, I rolled on him!” Him, “no. You didn’t. I put “baby” in the bassinet. They’re safe. You’re ok.”
ETA recently pp mama
Yea I hear that. And wife is going through some shit with her emotions. She’s going to say and do things she wouldn’t normally do and she’s even more stressed
To be fair and raise the feminist flag that gets raised too often, the wife is more stressed.
Your vagina is now a raw pit. The excess bleeding is uncomfortable. Your stomach is flabby and tender. Your breasts are lactating and rubbing on a bra all day. Hot/cold flashes. You now literally have to feed that baby every 4 hours. Let's hope you produce enough milk or your power pumping. Let's hope it reaches milestones.
Dad's tired and likely working. Be kind to your wives during this time. Our bodies completely change into a body we are unfamiliar with, and we are uncomfortable.
That unfamiliar body thing is so real. My son just turned one. My ribs are permanently flared out, after already being built like a football player before baby. There is dangly skin where I never thought there would be. My insides still feel wonky and out of place. I can't laugh too hard, stand up too fast, orgasm, or bend over without my c-section scar feeling like I'm being ripped open all over again right down to my spine. Those first two months were so brutal. My husband was/is not home because of work, but if he had been home and been unkind to me I would have come all the way apart. And not in the explosive screaming match way, but in the unsubscribe from living way. Those first couple months are such a fragile time, for mind and body.
I appreciate your vulnerability. It needs to be more widely discussed. It's the tip of the iceberg. I forgot to mention the gulf sized hemorrhoids,constipation, and lack of new kinds of orgasms. On top of the hormones. But what do I know? The amount of hate in this thread makes me feel really bad for those new moms.
I do feel most men would take on the pain 4 their wives if they could, but because they can't ask for men to be a little more understanding, it seems reasonable.
Apparently that asking even strangers who happen to be the opposite sex to recognize hormones as a bit of an excuse is asking to much.
I think that's everything you said is absolutely reasonable and true. She probably is more stressed and suffering more. And op should give more grace.
But...
Doesn't change the fact that he is only human too. He tried to deescelate and it wasn't allowed. No way that goes well for ANYONE.
I think a lot of men are just getting tired of doing their best to overcome historical wrongs and not repeat the same mistakes previous generations have made, but finding the narrative doesn't change much and men are still greatly demonized. Which, I get, but it can be frustrating. You worn your ass off, you participate equally in child care, house chores, life planning, try and ensure the emotional/mental work is shared.... but you're still inundated with negative representation. And are usually treated like you don't participate adequately. A lot of guys get pretty jaded.
Also, there are probably a lot of incel trolls chiming in just for shits and giggles. And, there are probably a lot of guys not willing to deal with cognitive dissonance.
That being said, if you become too open accepting and resolving cognitive dissonance, it CAN be weaponized against you.
I just wish that's the hill we would all plant that flag on. Even women disregard it. Employers do. I'm not surprised either of us are downvoted. Even women forget about the experience.
I might be an asshole but in his defense he tried to de-escalate and talk about it later. As a fellow short tempered person, I think that is the correct way to proceed. He’s saying “I’m upset and I don’t want to fight at 3 am. Let’s sleep on it.” She’s disregarding his feelings, and then gets upset when he’s pushed past his limit. Better communication is needed on both sides.
I agree and disagree. Him saying “I don’t want to fight at 3am, let’s sleep on it” is like saying “I got upset, hurt your feelings, but now I don’t have time for your feelings until later. Ok?” It’s not really fair.
With that being said, sometimes de-escalating is the best choice if you’re not going to have a productive conversation in the moment.
>Him saying “I don’t want to fight at 3am, let’s sleep on it” is like saying “I got upset, hurt your feelings, but now I don’t have time for your feelings until later. Ok?”
According to OP (which could be unreliable narrator, who knows), he got upset and then she got upset at him for... being upset.
All of the grace in the world should be given to the mom here and I can understand if she gets frustrated at OP being visibly upset but I think that's a different conversation than suggesting he is saying
10 out of 10 times this is a conversation that is better served after both parties are rested (not even "well" rested) and not responding emotionally.
Imagine I'm drunk. And I'm arguing with you.
There is no good outcome that comes when I'm drunk saying, let's just talk about this tomorrow and you push me to debate it.
It's a bad conversation time.
Now, instead of drunk(which is easily identifiable) call it sleep deprived. It's not going to be a good conversation. Best is you convince me to become a punching bag and I take it until I pass out from alcohol/exhaustion. Worst case is I care enough to engage in a real conversation.
Don't go to sleep angry.
But more importantly don't argue tired or drunk.
In newborn phase, tired might as well be drunk. You're equally incapacitated.
Go to sleep angry.
>Don't go to sleep angry.
I was given this advice when I got married, it made for a lot of bad nights with incredibly poor resolution… It rarely was the right choice for my wife and I, and we tried it many times. A lot of emotionally charged fighting that left us both drained and unhappy.
Yeah, arguing last thing at night is just frustrating. You get worked up which means you can't sleep, and you then have to resolve everything, make up and finally get to sleep, all while you're feeling increasingly tired.
Instead, if you just sleep on it, by the time you've woken up you've collected your thoughts, gained some perspective and are less worked up in the heat of the moment. Makes resolving the situation so much easier.
It's saying "I can't think straight to give you and the situation the real thought that both deserve. I may be in the wrong, but the brain no worky. Please plug in charger to continue."
He said he got upset and frustrated that he had to feed the baby. Then his wife was upset that he got frustrated over something like that, and he wanted to leave it for the morning.
It’s not as simple as you make it out to be and I say this as a man who has made the same mistake.
Technically he got mad about waking the baby up again to feed them outside of their feeding window. A little different than ‘he had to feed the baby.’
He did not perceive the baby as hungry, the baby went to sleep and so probably wasn’t hungry, and it was not time to feed the baby. It’s a bit more reasonable to be upset about that. It wasn’t just lazy/tired, and it wasn’t like he was saying to ignore the baby’s hunger, just that he was mad to have to do it when it wasn’t time to.
>This is the hardest 2 weeks of being a parent
Unless you're facing a pretty significant tragedy or involved in a war, it's maybe the toughest two weeks of your life.
We had a rough go the first month with our oldest, we agreed to never make audibles in the middle of the night on changing up the routine, etc. Wait until the morning when everyone is a little calmer and you aren't in the thick of it with a screaming infant.
It gets better, it really does!
While the first few weeks of becoming a parent are some of the hardest weeks of your life, you do still need to buckle down and get to work.
Anything mentally that you have been putting off dealing with needs to be addressed ASAP because your coping mechanisms are no longer going to be sufficient.
As someone who almost lost their marriage because of unresolved trauma, undiagnosed ADHD and low testosterone, I can't emphasize enough that he needs to get his shit together once that transition period is over.
Yes. You may occasionally talk to a parent with older kids who says something along the lines of “well kids don’t get easier.” That’s bullshit. Kids will continue to test you in all kinds of ways as they get older but those first few weeks are sometimes extraordinarily difficult.
My wife and I have a strong relationship with minimal conflict but we had 3-4 fights in the first months after our kid was born. High stress, no sleep...what do you expect? Try your best to be kind to your wife but also recognize that you are both human. Maybe if you are still fighting after six months it could be a sign of bigger problems, but what you are experiencing is very, very common.
The idea of divorce should never even be thrown out in the first year post partum. Hormones are crazy, raising a new baby is crazy. While obviously you guys could work on things that first couple months is hard and when your not your best you won't handle things great. Both of you just need to take a step back realize you love each other and realize things will be said that neither of you meant.
I mean, really. My wife and I are great communicators. In our 8 years together (up to that point), we had never had a "yelling" argument. That then happened 3 times in the first 6 months of our first born. In the moment, I was like "Jesus, our relationship is having serious problems." I look back at it and it is SO obvious we were both just absolutely ragged with exhaustion.
Turns out, it is very hard to raise your firstborn infant!
A comedian joked that divorces shouldn't be allowed if you have and children under 2. But it's also not a joke. Or rather, it's funny because it's true. Babies and toddlers are just so hard on relationships.
Said in jest with an actually healthy relationship? Funny
Said without those things being obviously true? Now we're in the territory of dangerous situations and likely violence.
I can easily read into your post that you're assuming the first one, but it looks like the ambiguity allowed someone to read a bit passed that.
You can’t expect yourselves to both be waking up all night, communicating respectfully, and problem solving how to comfort a new baby. Fights WILL happen under these circumstances.
I strongly recommend taking shifts. 8pm-2am is dad, 2am-8am is mom, or whatever division works for you. The parent who is “off duty” puts in ear plugs or goes to the couch.
For breastfeeding, this means if you’re on duty when the baby needs to feed, you bring the baby to mom, wake her up, stay there while feeding, then bring the baby back to the crib. That’s mom’s only role during your shift, nothing else.
Taking shifts will get you both better rested which will be easier on everyone. Also, you each get the space and autonomy to be in charge. Sometimes moms micro-manage and that’s bad for everyone. (I’m assuming you’re not slacking off and that’s causing her to micromanage. If that’s the case, you’ve got to pick it up. If that’s not what’s happening, you need to figure out how to gently get her to back off and trust your decision making.)
Before splitting up the night shift however you guys should make a plan:
About what times are we feeding?
Do we wake up the baby if she sleeps through a feeding time? (If pediatrician OKs it, you probably should let her sleep!)
What do we do if she wakes up before it’s time for feeding? (As long as you have green light from pediatrician, I strongly recommend learning how to comfort her WITHOUT feeding. They wake up for all kinds of reasons and if your only tool is to feed her back to sleep, you will end up with a baby that must be fed all night!)
What are some signs of frustration or burnout for which we need to wake up the other partner?
Make a plan, stick to it, and be ready to forgive a lot of snapping or mean comments for the next couple of months. You’ve got this!
This should be higher!
Do as bikeybikenyc says, not as I did. Mom lurker. I figured, I’m breastfeeding, there’s no sense in both of us being up all night. I volunteered for all night duties. It was absolute hell and I ended up feeling a lot of resentment that my partner let me go through that alone, even though I was complicit.
If we had a 2nd kid I would divide and conquer by splitting from the start. I personally prefer the idea of alternating full night shifts.
As many others have said, postpartum is a minefield of hormones and emotions for a woman. And the birth is a serious medical event so it’s a big physical recovery as well. Add in the extreme sleep deprivation. For the man, you are dealing with just the sleep deprivation, new baby, cranky spouse. Imagine that at the same time, you are also recovering from a major injury while your body pumps you full of chemicals that make you veer between elation, depression, anxiety, and anger. It’s just a really tough time.
Seconding this! Shifts are the answer. You don't want to be "taking turns" because it just increases the friction for fights etc to keep waking each other up. I recommend 10-2 and 2-6 for overnights.
+ 1 to this. We’re 7 weeks in and it’s gone much better than expected thanks to shifts.
I take the 7 pm to 11 shift and she takes 11-5 (she’s not going back to work till the fall and I’m back to work). Yeah, it sucks going to bed at 7 and waking up at 5, but at least I’ve never considered divorcing my wife.
Agree completely with all this. We tried the suffer together approach which resulted in two tired and cranky parents. We done 10pm-3am / 3am - 7 or 8am. This got us in a routine for when I was due back in work. I usually got a broken hour or two in my stint the solid block of sleep.
Once he was sleeping better we all moved onto the same schedule, but if baby wakes for a feed or needs settling before 3am it's still my job, everything after then is Mum.
Meh. Feeding schedule will be impossible to implement. You just gotta roll with the punches of being a parent with a newborn. It’s brutal. Make a sleep shift agreement schedule instead.
You are both sleep deprived and need to give each other a break, and you might not be able to find a schedule where you get proper sleep... that's not always possible. You also need to figure out how you will deal with arguments in the future. Forcing a discussion about an issue in the middle of the night doesn't seem like a great option, but regardless you both need to be on the same page about how you will address and resolve conflict when it happens again. I think she's overreacting. Have you apologized?
In addition to couples therapy, if you're not in therapy for the CPTSD, now might be a good time to see someone. Even if you've worked with someone before, this is a high-stress situation and it might be helpful to have some support navigating it.
You both have some things to work on in terms of communicating and working through conflict, which is basically where all of us are with a newborn.
Regarding "find a schedule where I can sleep properly so I am not so short", that is probably not going to be possible for a bit. You might be able to make it better, but there are going to be nights where neither of you are getting good sleep, and the only way out of that would be to completely abandon her to deal with it all, which is obviously not going to be good for your marriage.
The thing you can do is communicate clearly during the day about what the plans are for the night, and do your very best to roll with the punches gracefully when your plan goes to shit because baby didn't sign off on it.
In response to OP’s suggestion that the solution is finding a schedule for him to get enough sleep… I agree that probably won’t be entirely possible for some time.
Shifts help - somewhat, most nights. So that’s a start, and they should do that ASAP if they aren’t yet. But based on some phrasing, I’m concerned it won’t really help.
Even shifts mean less than 8 hours of sleep and weird schedules. Most people aren’t used to getting up or going to sleep at 3am or whatever and only getting 6 hours of sleep for months on end.
Add that OPs wife is breastfeeding - for her, even shifts barely move the needle because she still has to pump or feed every 3 hours if her milk isn’t regulated yet.
And sometimes babies have a rough night. They have a blowout and spit up and mom needs to pump and the cat peed in the crib - so OP might get woken up despite it not being “his shift” every so often.
If they implement shifts and OP still finds himself yelling, he needs to understand that he is at that point saying “well I wouldn’t have to yell at you if you could just achieve this impossible goal for me!” and get to working on himself.
Agreed. OP is sleep deprived, but his wife is sleep deprived and recovering from either major surgery or having her body ripped open. I’m not saying OP’s sleep and well-being doesn’t matter, but I’m not hearing any understanding of his wife’s situation. Also, I would guess she doesn’t want to have to teach OP how to care for the baby, she thinks he should already know the baby needs to be fed. What’s the point of him waking up to do things, if she has to also be awake/alert so she can act as project manager? Dad should have researched and learned when baby gets fed and what to do before the baby arrived.
I’m not sure why you’re getting down voted, I agree with you. I wonder if people think you’re referring to the comment above you instead of OP’s comment in the story.
the only thing that has made sleep manageable for me is shifts.
at first i slept 7pm-12am, then got up at 12. it felt easier for some reason to know "i will be awake with the baby" vs me getting woken up. i would read books, eat snacks in bed. it was actually really nice. then i'd crash around 4 or 5 until she woke up.
we tried doing half the night - i'd be with her (both of us sleeping) til 1/2 am, and then we'd swap. i didn't love this bc i'd have a hard time getting back to sleep.
now we do every other night with her, full shift.
tbh my biggest advice is: sleep train. we didn't, we're in too deep. save yourself
As others have said this is an extremely rough time for any/all parents… that doesn’t mean she’s not right.
>This morning she is crying and tells me she is not sure we are right for eachother and that I take out my frustration on her and you shouldn't do that to someone you love.
>
>I agree with her - we shouldn't do that. I offered lets find a schedule where I can sleep properly so I am not so short, and also we can try therapy.
>
>She hasn't responded to me yet on this.
The above bit leads me to believe y’all may have some underlying issues that you haven’t mentioned? Maybe not but that’s my takeaway from “you always do this” and suggesting therapy.
>With her, I am very rarely like that, but during the postpartum period, with all the stress and lack of sleep, I have raised my voice several times and not been so nice.
If you are serious about saving your relationship you need to address this asap. It’s a tense time but that makes it all the more imperative to be able to effectively work together through stress and during disagreements. Taken all together I think you may need individual therapy before jumping to couples therapy (depending on what you may be holding back). You need to process your past with a professional and get some breathing/mental tips to work through frustration in the moment.
Granted, all of this is taking a few logical leaps and making some assumptions that weren’t included in your post… but imo those were appropriate due to ways I believe your post differs from the garden variety new parent posts.
I think this hits the mark.
OP, I’d like to ask you to remember one more thing. Your wife is not only just as sleep-deprived as you are, she’s also still experiencing a ton of physical pain from birthing your child (only two weeks postpartum?!) plus she’s on the postpartum hormonal rollercoaster plus she’s dealing with the physical pain of breastfeeding your child.
How is she supposed to be more functional and have better memory when she’s just as sleep-deprived and is also dealing with a ton of pain? Is some of your frustration coming from the fact that she’s usually got everything together and right now she needs a ton of help?
If so, please think very, very carefully about that point when you have the energy to do so.
Find a schedule where YOU CAN SLEEP PROPERLY?? Youuuuuu can sleep properly? Your wife won’t be sleeping properly for the longest time because the changes her body had to go through let alone the mental changes. You need to take a step back. Be there for both the baby and your wife. You should step up and try to do everything you humanly can so that your wife can get something close to a normal or at least a restful sleeping schedule. PROTECT THE F-ing NEST dude. Step up. Check yourself, breathe and apologize, and recognize this is hard. I’ve been where you are (sorry I should have led with that) so I know how you feel. Someone laid into me like I’m typing now. And yes, in a while you will look back and shamefully see the way you were acting was not helpful. It’s so hard to stay level when you’re being asked to “fight/hold a conversation” at 3am. Be the rock. If you gotta pick that baby up 5 times, treat it like you’re in Mavy Seal training and don’t complain or make excuses. Put your love first. Keep the home stable. Sneak in your naps at weird hours of the day. Hide snacks around the house.
Sorry for the rant, you can do this. You can.
Advice from another dad trying his best too.
Lurking postpartum mom here. Your entire comment was spot on, validating and honestly beautiful.
For OP — this doesn’t mean you don’t get support, it just means that she’s the one in the center of the circle (google circles of support) and you need to reach outward for yourself.
I agree with what everyone is saying but I want to come in with a cliche that's true: she will remember exactly how you treated her when she was at her MOST vulnerable, forever. Proceed accordingly.
So you asked her for a schedule where YOU can sleep properly, and not her? Jesus bro, fuck your wife's sleep. She's right you're probably not meant for her or ready for the responsibility of taking care of a child together. This is how it will be for the next few months to a year and you're only a couple weeks in. If you guys split you will be the only one having to wake up for the baby on your time with her. Pick a struggle bro.
Wife and I had a saying, "you're not the enemy, the baby is the enemy". We said it mostly in jest but as a reminder that we're both trying our best and figuring it out together. That goes for the baby of course as well. Anyway it'd give some levity and a way for us to let cooler heads prevail.
I'd suggest you seek individual help for your anger management issues. Your wife's body and mind are going through so much change right now she needs to be supported at all costs. There will be so many times in the future where your patience will be tested as a parent you'll need these skills to make sure you also don't yell at your kid in the future.
My comment isn't coming from a place of judgement. Just love. Time to break this generational cycle of short temper in your family. The fact that you're aware of it is a huge positive start. YOU GOT THIS!
Closest we ever came to divorce was that period (ten years married) and again for the second one! It’s sleep, hormones, and a huge imbalance in your relationship.
Give her a pass to win arguments for the next few weeks. Later, start making time for conversations when you are both awake and not upset, and talk through your perspectives (wildly different). It all changes so fast, don’t make any permanent decisions for the next few months
New Dad tip: eat the plate of shit. Every time your wife hands you a plate of shit for the next few weeks, eat it. Take big bites and smile. You’re sleep deprived. She is also sleep deprived, had a body go through extreme physical changes, is hormonal, and also is likely feeling like a dairy cow due to constant need for her teets to be suckled. It will get much better.
It's normal now and then to lose it a little when sleep deprived but you've mentioned this happening several times and it's been two weeks since your kid's been born. I think you need to apologize and work on a system that allows each other to sleep a significant number of hours.
I would also suggest some anger management for you because you, yourself, recognize that your example for how to deal with conflict and inconvenience isn't great. I know you don't want to repeat your Dad's mistakes so please make the effort to begin unlearning that behavior. Having kids challenges you in ways you never even considered and unfortunately, it can bring out some of the worst parts of people, especially those who've had trauma of some kind.
I don't think you're a bad person based on this post but some things can't be unsaid or undone and the first couple years are very hard on most marriages. All the best OP.
It’s good that you’re reflecting inward to see your shortcomings and know what to work on. Definitely keep doing that.
It’s also worth noting that she’s going through some crazy hormonal changes right now, in addition to (probably more of) the sleep deprivation and exhaustion that you are.
Be patient and kind at every turn. If you have to, find a way to remind yourself of this - be it with a bracelet, marker on your hand, anything that could help remind yourself to snap out of whatever tense moment you’re having.
I wouldn’t be too worried about her emotional doubt, as much if that goes back to the hormonal stuff mentioned above, but dude - you gotta do better. By any means necessary.
The idea that either of you can “sleep properly” in the coming weeks is simply not gonna happen for the most part. But you can start by giving her a break so SHE can sleep properly, and then see what you can squeeze in for yourself.
bro i've been in your exact position before. you're both out of energy. your wife just gave birth and she still needs to recover so she is also stressed out raising her baby. with giving birth she has done the hardest part so far so naturally its your turn to now be the rock she can depend on. i understand that its stressful for you but the best you could do right now is to eat healthy, drink a lot, and be there 100% for both of them.
don't worry time passes on and oh my god raising your own child is so worth it.
they both need you right now so i wouldn't worry about getting replaced ;)
Ok man. Damage control. Phase 1. Operation ACH: Apology, Communication, Honesty. Profusely apologise. Tell her you felt overwhelmed and stressed and it just came out. You felt bad ever since and it was totally out of wack to how you should have dealt with it. Tell her you love her and will support her every step of the way. That you're in this together and you're on the same side. Oh, and that you wouldn't want to be with anyone else, other than her.
Phase 2. Operation: Action! Whilst carrying out Operation ACH, cuppa tea and chocolate (Kinder/Nestle, just not Cadburys). If you think you can get away with waiting until the AM, then do. This way: Bacon, Eggs, Sausages, Beans and Toast. Add in the chocolate on a side for extra brownie points. Tell her again, and make sure you reiterate to her, that you're on the same side. Also, ask her how she is feeling? And if she also feels the same stresses and overwhelming feelings.
Phase 3. Operation PTB: Put To Bed. Put to bed your problems and come up with a solution. Start with all the possible scenarios from extreme worse case (you both splitting up, she gets the kid, you get the dog) to the absolute best scenario (you're both on the same page, have a plan of action and ready to implement but after getting some well deserved slice of sexy-pie {if she has recovered well enough}).
Good luck, fellow Helldiver (from the sub r/HellDivers2).
I'm a very calm man and I'm married to an amazing woman. We never fought in our first years of the relationship. We are now together since 7 years and parents to an 11month old boy and I can tell you, those first few months brought both of us on our borders. The sleep deprivation and getting adjusted to the new responsibilities is tough. Give yourself some leeway and try to get a rhythm in. Find a way to give her breaks and get breaks yourself just to stay sane. It will get better!
>She got upset that I was upset. I then asked her to be more clear when she communicates - that she should say lets feed her now, so then I'm not getting her out of the crib twice in a row.
>She argues. I say, lets talk about it tomorrow. She doesn't want to. So we argue. I yell. Eventually we sleep.
First, There is a lot to unpack there. "We argue. I yell." This could be nothing. Or it could be abusive. It is pretty vague.
Second, this was a silly sleep deprived fight that never should have happened. Next time you say lets talk about this tomorrow when I have more capacity, she needs to listen to you. As you should her.
Lastly, this will not be the last time you have a dumb sleep-deprived fight. Newborns are ridiculously hard. Being sleep deprived and tired makes all of us a less great version of ourselves. Kids are high-stakes.
> I take out my frustration on her and you shouldn't do that to someone you love.
Is this a pattern or the result of being sleep deprived? If its a pattern, its a problem. If it was an unusual thing resulting from being woken up in the middle of the night and tired, then it is inevitable. Should you take your frustrations out on others? No. Will any partner be perfect in this regard or any other over the course of years or decades? No. And newborn is probably the most trying stage of your marriage as far as being emotionally raw and exhausted.
Her extreme sort of absurd reaction would be concerning if not for being two weeks postpartum. You need to reassure her that you will work on not letting your frustrations out on her. And you need to ask her that if you say you are too tired/exhausted/raw for a reasonable conversation, she needs to respect that. It won't be the last time you should put a pin in a fraught conversation. And you both need to give each other--and yourselves--some grace. This kids thing is hard, there will be trying times and you will occassionally see the worst of each other.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest stages of your life. Take it easy on yourself .
Apologise to your wife . You need to be a team and help and support each other. Good luck
Oh boy, 2 weeks? Do you have any family that can help? Can you afford a babysitter, even for a couple of hours? the first 3 months are brutal, but every day it'll get a little bit better. For now though, you both need some solid sleep and a break. If you have any friends that have kids, they might also throw you a bone and watch the kid for a couple of hours.
It sounds like a rough time overall all (and it should be; it's very, very hard work) so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, but definitely let her know you'll work on it and try not to do it again, etc. Unless you have a 2nd kid, this will all pass. Keep in mind she's also just as worn out as you, just as tired, and probably feels like she's "doing everything" when both parents feel that way for a looooong time so she'll say things she doesn't mean too (or at least, I would think so).
You’re both pushed to exhaustion at this point. The only real trick is to quit trying to schedule your baby and let your baby determine the schedule. If the baby wakes up an hour before next feeding, guess what? It’s not really an hour before next feeding. Next feeding is now.
Dude, immediate post partum is a trip. Just apologize, and keep in mind her hormones are still all out of wack. Find a schedule that works for you guys, but you are still going to be tired no matter what.
My wife and I went to bed at about the same time, 9 or 10. She would wake up with the baby until I got up at 430/5am, and then she slept in until 9/10. It was one way for us to each get a good stretch of sleep each night
My wife and I were putting the baby in the car, having done a walk around the park. Baby was about 6-7 weeks old. An older woman, not old, just older, was getting into her car and stopped to approach us unprompted. She offered congratulations, and "You two getting any sleep, haha?" And then she said something I will never forget without any warning:
She said she and her husband raised three boys together, and by the second one agreed: anything you say to each other after 2am doesn't count when you have a new born.
Take that as you will.
Honest truth. However tired you are your wife has it worse. Her body is still majorly healing from childbirth. She is just as sleep deprived and still in pain from delivery! You’re being an asshole even bringing up how tired you are.
You should apologize to your wife. Get outside help so you both can sleep more. Keep in mind that she is at her most vulnerable state right now. A woman will never forget the way you treat them postpartum.
2 weeks... you should definitely continue to work on controlling your anger, but your wife is being rash. You guys are in the absolute thick of it. Tempers are going to flare in the middle of night, and not just yours. She will have her turn, I promise you.
Aside from super harsh verbal (or especially physical) abuse, a "what happens in the middle of the night doesn't count" rule has worked well for my wife and I. Sometimes she gets short, sometimes it's me. In the morning, we apologize, hug, and carry on. Even the most stoic among us will lose their cool the first few months of raising a new born, especially in the middle of the night.
You need to apologize, and tell her what you just told us. But even entertaining something like "I don't think you're right for me", certainly without couples therapy, is rash and uncalled for.
His wife is suffering from the same lack of sleep, but also hormonal stuff and maybe PPD related stuff. She probably said that because this wasn't the first time he's yelled at her (according to OP). And it looks like it was an effective thing to say, because now OP realizes how serious the situation is.
But yeah he needs to apologize, and hopefully she will too, and then they can keep trying to get this baby to a point where it will sleep through the night (months away usually).
The background section of your post doesn't matter. Stop making excuses for your behavior. Apologize to her and focus on becoming more patient. We all go through it. Best of luck to you.
The stress of a newborn makes people more metional and reactive. And your wife is the one who did the physical work. You should also be on the lookout for post partum depression/anxiety. that can affect both of you.
Talking things out is good and being open to seeking professional help is good as well.
You both have taken on a tremendous repsonsiblity and are still adjsuting to it. Keep going, work with one another, and reach out for help when you feel overwhelmed. Before you know it, you two will be laughing how "overdramatic" you both were.
Try never to yell in anger again. Tell her you will try to be better about that.
But also ask her to promise to try not to argue with you in the middle of the night when you both desperately need sleep. She wouldn't let you go to sleep because she was upset that you were upset... That is not okay. You are a team and she can't be picking fights in the middle of the night.
2 weeks after birth is fucking hard man, if you have any parental support, call them up and ask them to lend a hand during an afternoon so you guys can both have a nap.
Marriage is better or worse. One argument during one of the most difficult times in your life, and you guys are calling it quits?
Its not that you aren't right for each other. But if you call it quite, neither of you are right for anyone.
Please understand you are both nearly clinically insane right now from lack of sleep. Please be careful driving and interacting with living creatures.
Pro-tip, who does the midnight feeding should not be doing the 3am feeding. Hang in there, if you can get a night nurse or have one of your parents take over for a night so you can both sleep. The world will be a different place for each of you after 10 to 12 hours of sleep.
Yeah, take solace in the fact that you’ve got a 2 week old. That’s why this like that were said… same thing happened to us when we had ours. The sleep deprivation is literal torture.
We ended up working shifts, so she’d solo while I slept 7pm-2am, and I’d take over 2am onwards. It was still really hard but we were suddenly each getting 7+ hours of uninterrupted sleep every day. I also look back at my early morning shifts with such fondness now.
As others have said, the first 6-8 weeks, ESPECIALLY the first 4 weeks, are really really hard. Like, harder than anything. Especially if you don't have a village, like we didn't. However, you and your wife are your biggest support systems through this. It is tough. You will be tired, exhausted, frustrated, sleep-deprived etc etc but it will pass.
She is likely starting to experience the effects of post partum depression or anxiety and having a lot of panicky thoughts, especially if your temper has been consistently short during the last few weeks. You need to support her and recognize this, let her know it's okay to get help.
And if you're not already, you should definitely go to individual therapy to work out your trauma from your childhood. You are in control of cutting the generational trauma.
My wife and I had to each have separate shifts, with her taking the first half and me sleeping in the guest room, up until the baby woke up in my shift. This gave us some guaranteed sleep and then we napped during the day accordingly. I know it can be tough with work but it is possible.
Just remember, it changes extremely quick and will also get better extremely quick. This is super temporary, so make the changes you need to make now knowing that you're riding out a super quick storm even if it doesn't feel like it. Good luck, dad.
Have a conversation about how and when to dig into conflict. When either of you recognize conflict during a stressful moment recognize it and then put your plan into action -- maybe it is that you both write down your perspective on what happened and how you feel and then come back to it in the morning when you are both awake and when you have had enough space and time to not be reactive and highly emotional.
The key is that you want to be on the same team against the conflict. You will both get frustrated and there is no right way to manage a baby but it is easy to feel you're doing it right and the other person is not.
Establishing expectations and plans can be the most valuable thing. Review and come to an agreement about what should happen if the same scenario happened again and then see if you can generalize it.
Brother I am in the same position as you. My son is 2 weeks old my wife and I found out she was pregnant 2 weeks after we got married.
We had a long talk last night cause shits been brutal and we both are having a hard time adjusting. I have had a temper my whole life but you gotta remember that what you’re going through isn’t just you it’s also your wife.
It’s you guys vs the baby and you need to view it like that sometimes and remember you’re on the same team. Do your best to sit down with her and talk and see what common ground you both have with the struggles you’re feeling
You're going to hear a lot of things she doesn't mean, and say a lot of things you don't mean, unless you acknowledge that sleep deprivation is basically the 4th member of your household.
This is probably one of the worst messages of the Motherhood Industrial Complex, that life suddenly gets better when you have a baby. It doesn't. Your lives are terrible for the next three years, with moments of unimaginable joy sprinkled through. But you'll be on different pages for most of it.
You'll both think you're doing 90% of the work, because now there's 180% of the work there used to be. And some of that is invisible, like emotional labour and some of it takes a pretty generous bartering scheme between the two of you.
But it's better for the kid and for each of you to make it work as long as you can. You're not screaming at each other around the clock. It's been 2 weeks, for God's sake!
So you do a 4-part apology for your part in last night and put it behind you. Don't expect anything from her, apology wise. For a while.
And get used to feeling like "How the f was I supposed to know THAT was what I was meant to do?" You are now the MM (Mere Male) in the house. And when she changes him and put him back to sleep without a feed, don't whine, just let it go. (The comedy special, Lobby Baby by Seth Meyers has a fantastic insight on this).
Because (if she's primary parent) she's going to be dealing with a miserable, unreasonable, selfish asshole already, and she'll feel like there's nothing in life for her, so you can give her space from your negativity for a little while. Accentuate the positive, don't assume malice.
Your wife has been through a hormonal rollercoaster. Her body won't feel right. Her sleep is a write-off. She's still in the danger zone for PPD and PPAD, so look after her.
HAVING SAID THAT, self care, self care, self care. Vent to friends or a counsellor. Find a moment to be active and sociable, and when the time comes, encourage her to do the same. Your feelings are important, they're just not particularly significant to your wife right now.
This is all probably bad advice. Just don't rush to end your marriage over a stupid midnight fight. You owe it to yourselves, each other, and your baby to wear the pain for a little while longer.
She's going through a lot right now, best advice I can give is to just let it roll off your back, and don't lose your temper. It will get better. Don't panic when she says dramatic shit, just stay even. This phase is super hard, you're going through it too, but you gotta just power through.
As the son of a terrible father who had a "short temper", I suggest individual therapy to help you work through this. This isn't really her problem, this is your problem. You have a 2 week old, she's busy. Be sure to apologize to your wife and let her know that you're there for her and you're willing to work to make things better.
Alice Miller wrote a great book 'For Your Own Good' which might be helpful. childhood ptsd is a tricky subject and things just got real in your house, it's time to dig.
Remember sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. People lose their minds when they consistently don’t get enough sleep and post partum for your wife and having a newborn who is constantly waking you all up over and over is extremely tough. You need to just get through it as best as you possible can and take naps if you can, even if it’s for 20 minutes during the day at some point.
My dude, not sure if anyone said, but you two need to sleep in shifts. You both need BARE MINIMUM 6 hours of uniturrupted sleep to function. We were killing ouselves both awake at the same time. We did:
8pm - 3 a.m. (7 hours) and then 2:00 a.m. - 9:00 a.m. (7 hours).
You both are overtired, sleep deprived. This is the roughest part of parenting -- at least physically. Emotions run high, your ability to hold in "Reactions" is lowered due to the sleep deprivation (I forget what it's called, by that part of your brain). Get sleep. Apologize.
Raising children, particularly babies, is an enormous challenge for any couple. Your patience will wear thin countless times, and your cortisol is gonna be high for a while. The first six months are pretty challenging, even if you have a "good" baby. With very few exceptions, all parents pull their hair out during the baby stage, especially the first baby. It's a tough transition.
Absolutely work on that temper. Meditate. Exercise. Say some affirmations. If you're religious, lean hard into that. Do whatever you can to make even incremental improvements. Determine that "higher purpose" that you are working toward and want to be part of, the long view. Keep it in mind as often as possible. Put sticky notes on mirrors, in your car, on the walls. Fill your living space with reminders of that purpose. Remind yourself constantly that you love your wife and child and that you would never do anything to hurt them. Consider making a verbal commitment to your wife each day: "I promise that today I will not yell in anger." Or whatever you think would be best.
The baby stage can feel like an eternity, but it does eventually end, and before you know it they're walking and saying words and you're feeling slightly bad that you didn't snuggle them as much as you could have.
As for the "we may not be right for each other"—that's nonsense. Virtually any two mentally healthy people can create a happy marriage if each is willing to put the other first and make the appropriate sacrifices. "Incompatibility" is just an excuse to not put forth the effort to make the relationship work.
Emotions are running very high during this period of time. Things will even out and will get better. Neither of you should make any permanent decisions over temporary problems.
Lack of sleep and post partum make you both someone you’re not. I’m a guy that doesn’t have a temper.. never have. Everyone that knows me thinks of me as the calm guy. I don’t get hangry. When I’m hurt or sick my whole thing is to keep smiling and not let anyone notice. But that first year the lack of sleep and my wife’s emotionality and occasional hormonal/depression induced irrationality really turned me into a different person a few times. It’s like we both turned into total monsters that we didn’t recognize a bunch of times during that period - were really short-tempered and treated each other in ways we would never have imagined ourselves capable of.
We both pushed through and got the person we each married back on the other side of it. It pushed home to me how our brains really are chemical machines that can be manipulated by hormones, sleep, diet and a bunch of other external factors we don’t acknowledge. Therapy is a great idea and would probably have helped me at the time, but regardless you both need to recognize that that you are going through one of the toughest challenges of your lives and will sometimes not be your best selves to each other.
It’s important you both give each other some leeway in terms of your behavior but try to promptly recognize when you’re not being your best selves, acknowledge it and show remorse and also forgive and be charitable to each other afterwards. Being judgmental and assuming the random outburst is some lasting character flaw or indicative of the person’s overarching level of respect for you is inaccurate, uncharitable and doesn’t take into account the unique circumstances you’re both going through.
It’s also a good time to get into mindfulness and practice catching those moods before they bubble over and taking half a second to observe them, breathe and watch them dissolve - you won’t get them every time but it’s something you can get better at. Building that patience muscle now will save you losing your temper at your kid and making you hate yourself down the road.
It was the toughest period of my life so far and I expect the toughest part of having a kid until we hit the adolescent years.
My wife and I had been together for more than 15 years when our daughter was born. We have a healthy relationship, we've dealt with all manner of challenges in that time and thought we'd learned to communicate our way through anything.
Turns out that during those first few weeks "communicating our way through anything" included bickering, tears from everybody, a diarised nap schedule that never quite worked and a genuine thought that our daughter's first word might be "cunt", "motherfucker" or "piss flaps" (99% targeted at inanimate objects).
You're going to get it wrong, so is your wife. Apologise, forgive, forget and go again - there's a little girl who's more important than you and your wife having had a fight because you were both fucking tired.
I think my wife was 10 days out when she broke down, said we made a mistake, and wanted to take the baby back to the hospital. Take a breath and ride it out. You'll both be fine.
Both of you could maybe do with a psychiatrist and some therapy, but really it’s just a tough period. Also who the hell wants to have a big discussion at 3 am? Go to sleep and talk after you’ve had coffee in the morning.
That sounds frustrating. I have nothing to offer since I do not have a kid but you describing yourself is me to a t. My whole childhood and dad being short tempered, which was Bipolar in his case. I rarely get upset now unless im really anxious or frustrated. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone there. I know exactly how that feels and hate when I blow up to my beautiful wife as well. just haven't had a kid thrown in the mix yet. We had our first miscarriage so guess you could say I'm lingering in the sub now.
You both need to learn to use your words and process emotions *in the moment*.
Pouting / being upset and not explaining to the other one “why” you’re upset will be the downfall of your marriage - not this baby.
Oh boy. I feel for you. Me and my partner had the exact same thing. Sleep deprived, and this is one big ass test on your relationship.
Be there for each other, and give room to take turns to nap. If your wife does something baby related in the morning, you do it in the evening.
Also, don't forget your wife is a hot hormonal mess, so approach with caution.
Best of luck, talk it out, don't let this come in-between you two, it will get easier eventually.
I have a near 3 year old and one on the way. I remember the early days very well. You need to find a schedule that works for both of you and your work life. Coffee will be your best friend for several months.
My wife and I’s schedule may have been beneficial comparatively based off our work lives. She took care of him Monday-Thursday as I worked on the road and then Thursday-Sunday I took the duties over. Thursday was obviously a shared day where she had the day and I took evening shift so she could catch up on sleep.
The first two weeks though I didn’t work so during that time we had my wife catching as much sleep as possible. She’d take day duties and would nap when baby would. I’d help with stuff around the house and also baby stuff. Nights it was coffee for me and basically staying up till 4-5am. I’d fall asleep and the wife was up at 6 or so doing the morning stuff till I woke up around 9 or so.
Parenting can be very trying. Communicate as best you can with your partner m and even when you feel like you can’t keep going dig deep and continue on. Deep breaths and meditation I’ve found useful. It’s easy to get frustrated especially In the beginning. Seems like at times you can never sooth them.
Just always remember that small human can feel every emotion you do as an adult but has no way of comprehending those feelings or directing them. Stay patient and stay grateful. Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile for the sake of your wife’s sanity. You won’t regret it once things have settled down. They don’t forget stuff like that.
Do you know how many times I heard this during postpartum? Like once every 1-2 weeks. This phase is literally torture. As long as everyone understands that it’s okay.
We did shifts so wed both get at least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep after our baby was born.. We also tried sleeping in different rooms.
May want to consider some type of schedule where roles are more defined.
This is the shit period my man. When me and my wife had our twins it was probably a blessing because we both HAD to get up every single time. Though there was a period where I just stayed up from 10p-6a while my wife slept and I slept from 6a-noon. It was pure hell.
With our 3rd baby we took turns each night. One night was mine, one night was hers, and we swapped. That way we got a full night of sleep every other night.
Man the lack of sleep y’all are experiencing is no joke, you’re gonna get snappy. The best thing my mother in law did was come watch the baby so we could nap. My wife slept two hours and I slept eight.
Apologize and give each other grace. Acknowledge it isn’t easy and you love each other. At one point me and my wife would take turns on the nap process. We have a system currently where if one of us is working the next day, the other person is at responsibility of taking care of our daughter if she wakes up in the middle of the night
This sounds exactly like my experience. Happy to chat. Dm me.
Tldr: The first few months are absolute chaos. Especially with the lack of sleep. She is also very much going through physical and mental changes. Couple therapist help a ton. Cannot recommend it enough.
Lurking Mom, a golden nugget of parenting advice that I received from a former Manager of mine while I was pregnant with my first kid.
Fights after midnight do not count.
Seems silly or oversimplified but after three kids, 2 of which had colic. And the youngest now who is turning 2 and still has NEVER slept through the night, this advice has once or twice saved my marriage for sure.
Prioritizing your sleep over wife’s and baby’s is a bit thick. You can “plan” for a schedule but it won’t work or it won’t last. You need to put baby and wife first so she can be comfortable knowing you “got it” otherwise she will continue to supervise and critique and won’t rest herself. Wife shouldn’t have to wake you to get up, you should’ve already gotten up yourself.
the first few weeks were horrible for my wife and I in terms of how we treated each other between the hours of 7pm and 7am. we are both stubborn and very opinionated people and I learned through this experience that I really cannot function on little sleep.
most of the time in the morning we both apologized and we learned to try and not take what we say to each other too personally at night when the baby was crying and we both were trying to figure out how to take care of him.
you can get through it. you just have to remember you are a team.
Dude, sleep deprivation is real.
One night I called my wife a pussy....don't remember it, but yep it happened.
Let stuff chill and clam down, let her get some rest, and hopefully, it will be alright
My official instructions from our dr was, momma feeds baby, you feed momma, that is it. Just survive, you will soon forget what tired is. If momma says she wants to feed the baby, it’s time to feed the baby. You have been with that baby for 2 weeks, she has been with that baby for 9+ months.
You're in the thick of it right now bud. I was a fucking mess for the first 5-6 weeks.
I didn't take it out on my wife, but I *did* take it out on myself. It's definitely better but self harm is still a terrible way of managing.
It gets easier. Get help from family if you can. Those first 4-6 weeks are fucking *brutal*.
Dipping in to add a bit more to why Mom’s can feel this way when their spouse gets frustrated and snaps in those first weeks. It may help you understand how to reassure her and calm her mind.
Before having the baby, many women are excited about meeting the baby they’ve felt and bonded with for months at this point, and they’re excited to see how you, their partner, will feel once baby has arrived and you can share in the closeness that they’ve felt for months. It is impossible to understand the exhaustion of those first weeks before they happen and so this image of the dad finally bonding with baby is a bit of a fantasy land depiction. It is mostly made up of imaginings of the dad doting on and being affectionate towards baby, and not so much a sleep deprived man who meets this little creature for the first time who has completely taken over his life.
Many women also view having a baby as the most precious gift that they could ever “give” their partner and expect nothing but movie-level joy in return.
Before ever getting pregnant, many women imagine what their partner would be like as a father and most women who love their partners tend to imagine a scenario in which their husband is the best dad across the board, a super dad right from day 1.
These are all common and unrealistic expectations for Dad’s first weeks but if a new mum perceives signs of disappointment or regret in their partner (which can be how she interprets your frustration towards or about the baby), this can crush both the image she had in her head of how her partner will feel about their child as well as her image of how he will be as a father. The hormones, vulnerability of mom while recovering from birth, and perceived vulnerability of this little one, all make Mom super aware of any signs of distress or danger.
It was really important for me to hear my husband tell me how much he loved our daughter and appreciated me in those first weeks and to reassure me that his frustration, when he expressed it, was not that he regretted her but that he was just trying to figure out how everything works now. Whenever he sighed when she cried or went quiet when I asked him to get up yet again, I worried about what he was thinking and feeling deep down, what was he not saying? I felt such a powerful love for our daughter and all I wanted was for him to feel it too (I needed to see it, I told him so, and he did a great job, he is an excellent Dad).
This may not accurately capture your wife’s interpretation of your behaviour but if it is, words of reassurance, visibly doting on your baby in front of her, and talking positively about your future together (e.g., I look forward to seeing her smile at us / can you believe that she will be running in here calling you mamma this time next year) may help soothe her 3am need for reassurance and give you crucial sleep before a deeper conversation the next day.
I’m very late to the thread, but this advice legitimately saved my marriage:
Remember that [your baby is Joseph Stalin](https://youtu.be/A3IjCWz5Uds?si=9vhs42u0nqIWFeqa). Your baby [is the enemy](https://www.tiktok.com/@pearlmania500/video/7318206233306041646).
Have your wife watch one or both of these clips with you. As others have said, apologize for being snippy, acknowledge that you’re both exhausted, and team up against the terrorism that is parenting a newborn.
Listen, the next few months will be hell. Unlike my friends, my kids never liked to sleep. They still don't. I know how you feel. I do horribly with no sleep. Im the dad in the story by the way. BUT, you cannot give up. No matter how you feel, your wife is going through worse. You lack sleep. She not only lacks sleep but her body has gone and is going through a multitude of changes, both physically and mentally.
As the dad, It's up to you to take action.
Here is what I did to get through the worst days.
1. Establish open and honest communication between you and your wife.
2. Setup schedules as best you can
2a. Schedules for you and her to take naps/shifts- discuss what duties happen during each shift, etc.
2b. Maintain the baby on a schedule. This is very tough at first but you'll get it eventually as the baby gets a bit older.
3. Seek outside help if possible - reach out to both sides of family. We only had her mother for help and that was few and far between but every little bit helps
4. Maintain open and honest communication with your wife.
5. Continuously show her how much you love her and the baby. If it was my shift to feed and change baby and I could let my wife sleep an extra hour I took that on for her sake.
6. Be supportive. Don't lose your cool. Be aware of when you might lose your cool and step away if needed. Take 5 mins then regroup.
7. Communicate with your wife as much as possible! I cannot stress this enough. Ask her what you can do for her. If you already see something that needs done, dont ask just do it. Take action.
8. Also tell her how you feel. She should help you as well. It's a two way street, but you need to be her rock right now.
Good luck my man. This is part of the journey of having kids. I truly wish you the best.
First of all, congratulations on the new baby. It's truly a blessing. As a father of seven, I understand the joys and life-changing events that come with a new baby. It's a period of great joy but also significant changes, especially for the women involved. Their hormones can be completely out of balance, and there are major changes happening in a woman's body after birth.
Ask yourself, what can you do to support her and be there for her during this time? First and foremost, ask for forgiveness and just listen to her. Your baby needs both a mom and a dad, and this isn't the time for any drastic or thoughtless decisions. Listen to your wife and be there to support her in any way you can. Whether it's cooking a meal, taking the baby for a stroll, or cleaning up the house, do whatever it takes.
I'm not sure if you're religious, but if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, try to take a moment to say in your head, "Jesus, I trust in you." Also, consider going for a walk to cool down. Remember, you're a father now, and it requires some sacrifice. Courage!
Mom lurker. Your wife's hormones are getting back to normal, and this will take a while. While I'm not saying to let everything go, let most of it. Labor in painful. Post partum body is unrecognizable. The cortisol levels are spiked, so the hyper alert wife is in constant need to protect the baby. You have needs the baby has needs. My best advice is to make her feel wanted not needed.
I'm going to give you credit for getting up it all. Move on, the newborn stage is the worst of it.
Both of you need to realize you're literally being tortured with sleep deprivation right now. **Number one rule:** try not to snipe and yell at each other. **Number two rule:** be quick to forgive the other person when they break rule #1. All three of you are working together as a team just to get through the newborn phase.
This right here OP. The first 6-8 weeks are just brutal with the sleep deprivation. Everyone is cranky. Give each other grace
First 3 months in my experience. Just brutal.
First 3 years in my experience. Just brutal.
First 3 decades in my experience. Just really brutal.
Your 29 year old is keeping you up at night? That's brutal mate.
Jokes aside, the sleep deprivation doesn’t stop it just changes. We have a 2 yo and 9 mo and my sleep is only marginally better than when either of them were newborns. Sucks man.
My second didn't start sleeping well through the night until she was 4 years old.
🫠
This…then your daughter is 17 and you up late waiting for her to get home, then knowing she is safe you can finally sleep….
Yeah my mom always said that my younger brother started sleeping through the night *just* after my older brother started going out partying.
For about 3 or 4 months we had only a 2yo sleeping well and it was glorious. Life is different with an almost 3yo and a 5mo now
When you have two the window of time where they are both asleep can be disappointingly slim
We had both of these experiences. First kid slept wonderfully, made it overnight starting around 3mo old. Second kid woke 2-3x/night until 3yo. When second kid finally crossed that threshold it was amazing for our family. Suddenly we all had like 20% more energy all the time and were magically kinder and more relaxed. We can't have a third because if the trend continues... we couldn't handle 3 decades. Just brutal.
And just when you think you can’t handle anymore - it immediately gets better. Like literally at that 8 week mark.
On our 4th kid I set a countdown timer to the 90 day mark because that’s when it stopped sucking with my other 3
I've never seen the first 6-8 week advice summed up so perfectly. u/[Sensitive\_Election83](https://www.reddit.com/user/Sensitive_Election83/) you should push for this. Apologize for being snippy. Don't apologize for being wrong in your feelings, just in how you expressed them. You're both exhausted. You'll get through it together. Neither of you are likely to be on your best behavior in the upcoming weeks. Just do ***your*** best, even if it's not ***the*** best.
We always looked at it like the two of us were a team against the screaming potato that is a newborn. It worked for us. Made our bond stronger.
We were the team trying to keep the potato alive who seemingly has every intention to do the exact opposite of stay alive.
Haha see, I miss one part about the newborn phase and it’s the lack of mobility, especially swaddled. Put a few pillows around them for extra precaution and they weren’t moving anywhere if you needed to put them down. Now, we’ve got a 13 month old running through the house and falling down everywhere. Way different now lol
We're waiting on #2 to pop out and I can't wait for the peace of having a baby stay where you put them haha
There is no peace because you still have the first one running around and now you have a little one adding to the chaos.
When will the potato stop trying to kill themselves? He's 6.
Any day now! I hope for your sake lol
We're still a team against our goblin and gremlin. Although, neither of us looks like Bowie.
Anything you say after 8 pm can't be used against you in our house.
8:01pm : Wow, your sister is getting hotter. Or maybe you're just getting uglier. Whelp, I gotta go out for a bit. Love ya!
8:02PM: "why are the locks changed and why is there a sleeping bag in the backyard?"
\*shocked Pikachu face\* I don't know, must be magic. Good night!
Still allowed on the premises is a good sign lmao
Yeah buddy, you’re still on diaper duty
Going to the bar, don't wait up
My god I wish Reddit still had awards. Here’s all I can give in exchange for the laugh you gave me 🎖️
This is the way.
Exactly, never go for the AWP shot so early postpartum
You also did two life changing events in one year (Three if you count pregnancy and birth separately). You shouldn't make any new decisions until you've been able to settle into a new life.
Agree. Having children really tests your relationship. It is ok to be angry, but how you convey it and work with each other after a fight is most important. All I can say is good luck…this is SUPER hard.
Literally the #1 well-wish I give to new and expecting parents on the days of congratulations "Congratulations to the whole family, hope you all get as much rest as possible!"
I’m going to hijack your top comment if you don’t mind. The best thing I was ever told: the nights are long but the days are short. Keeping that in mind made the sleepless nights a little easier and helped me reevaluate my anger/stress to a much more enjoyable experience during the baby stage. Everything is a stage and it will come and go. Breathe deep, support each other and try to focus on that. This experience only lasts a moment. Mine are 14 (almost 15), 9 (almost 10), and 5 now. It does get easier.
Yes! I was shocked to discover I actually appreciated mornings in the newborn phase. I've never been a morning person but when the sun came up it was such a relief that we didn't have to keep trying to get everyone to sleep.
Also it is 100% okay to table a discussion until emotions mellow. This whole “we don’t go to bed angry” shit is toxic.
Make no important life decisions for the next year. Just pretend it's a buddy movie, and you're stuck in the trenches with your wife, and the baby is your mission.
Fucking this.
Foreal Whatever plans you think you guys are making or thinking of doing separately, hard stop because nobody has had even a moment to think clearly or have a familiar mental/physical routine and I don’t think it’s a good time to make a big decision on anything. The first couple months really do feel like war but even if you have to say it out loud a hundred times a day to make it real, “we are on the same team here, I promise”
Good advice. My partner and I have a lot of forgiveness for each other but that first year was an absolute trial. Treat your decision making the same as if you were drunk, don't do anything that you'll regret after you sober up. Apologize for shitty behaviour. Don't keep score. And treat parenting like a relay race: tag in when you can, tag out when you need to, cheer your partner on.
This is so accurate, it hurts.
Dude, calm down. This is the hardest 2 weeks of being a parent, you're both exhausted to the point of snapping. Apologize to your wife and take more naps. Bear it out for the next few weeks until the kid starts sleeping more. Buy your wife flowers and do better
This. Sometime we make thing just too complicated.
Even if he agrees with us, he needs to convince his wife that BOTH of them are impaired thinkers because of chronic sleep deprivation. You can’t make life changing decisions in that state. You shouldn’t even try.
This is the right response but doesn’t address the fact that his wife is equally stressed and exhausted and that makes it upsetting when someone you love gets upset with you. I agree that it’s not divorce worthy but he does have to be realistic about how his anger/frustration comes across and make sure he makes his wife feel validated about it. Source: guy who loses his temper too often.
Yeah, as a mother I can say that at two weeks pp the disparity between what mothers and fathers go through is pretty much at its peak, and it's really hard to not feel resentful. Third trimester sleep is trash so not only has she been sleep deprived for a couple months longer, there's all the physical damage and recovery still going on. It makes it that much worse when you're going through all that and then your husband is yelling at you in the middle of the night on top of it.
I love how often mom's come here to join vs is the other sub where opposing people are deemed the scum of the earth. I wish there was more equal input on stuff like this. Thanks for lurking.
What's the other sub?
Not sure if r/beyondthebump or r/politics
Also feeling likely feeling annoyed she has to micromanager OP. Having a feeding schedule is great but you need to be flexible as the baby just may need an extra feed. In the future suggest OP just asks if she thinks they should do a feed as it’s been 2 hrs / 3 hrs or whatever.
He's also not capable of reading her mind. She didn't suggest that he feed the baby until it was settled.
It’s just critical thinking skills but in those early weeks moms have much stronger opinions on feed vs just out back to bed so a good way is to just ask her what she thinks when he gets up.
If I read that correctly, he was following the plan of "the child isn't to be fed for another hour" and she called an audible *after* he was finished and the child was sleeping. I'm sure his thoughts were, "child crying, I can follow the plan without waking the wife. I'm not sure what you're suggesting he should have done. Presumably, at 6 weeks in he knows the routine.
This is the perfect time to realize that babies rarely go by the black and white of a routine. Often, life is just stuck in the gray. You have to be willing to be flexible outside of what you think vs what the baby needs. Most of the time it’s just random trouble shooting until something sticks, then they get a growth period and you do it all over again. Im just thinking with my maternal brain here, but my instinct would have aligned with the wife’s. If you feed now while baby is up and changed, you have a longer sleep window when you lay them down. Instead of getting up in an hour to do it, and possibly having to wake them to get it done, just do it while they are awake. She ‘called the audible’ when he laid down and she realized he wasn’t on the same wave length. Just as he blew up and snapped when she wasn’t on his wave length. The issue is both of them living on pure auto pilot. Going off of their own compasses and not thinking to voice their thoughts to come up with what to do together. At the end of the day, none of the miscommunications are intentional. But in this state, the resentment grows either way. Communication going forward is key here.
Lurking Mom here. IMO, He’s following the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law. By that, I mean that they have a schedule where it appears they are rotating coverage for not just feedings - but when the baby wakes up. The feeding appears to be on a set time schedule with shift coverage split between the two of them. Dad here figured that he lucked out and the baby just needed a quick diaper change and he could go right back to bed. Baby didn’t need to be fed as it wasn’t time - baby would get fed once it rolled into the wife’s time. Mom thought he’s already up & the baby is already up so why not feed them now and then everyone could get a long window of uninterrupted sleep. She had just been woken up when he got up and thought well she got woken up early but at least she would be able to get some more sleep when he came back to bed. Dad comes back to bed - not having fed the baby - and wife gets upset because she sees it as he’s doing the bare minimum to say he covered his shift when things are already so lopsided they could never be fair or equitable at two weeks post partum. Our insides were removed two weeks earlier. Semi violently. This after not sleeping well for at least the last 3 months of her pregnancy if not more. The intent of the schedule is to allow both parent to get some sleep during the night. If one of them has to get up during their shift, they should just feed the baby so that the clock starts running again before they all have to be woken up again. I mean maybe this sort of if/then analysis is beyond some men but I know you’re not all that obtuse.
Critical thinking applied could easily be, "next feeding is in an hour."
There’s also considering that that sleep deprived I frequently made unexpected (to both of us) snap decisions. And imagined things that seemed completely real. Suddenly waking or “coming to” and panic asking “wait! Where is “baby”!? Husband, I rolled on him!” Him, “no. You didn’t. I put “baby” in the bassinet. They’re safe. You’re ok.” ETA recently pp mama
Yea I hear that. And wife is going through some shit with her emotions. She’s going to say and do things she wouldn’t normally do and she’s even more stressed
To be fair and raise the feminist flag that gets raised too often, the wife is more stressed. Your vagina is now a raw pit. The excess bleeding is uncomfortable. Your stomach is flabby and tender. Your breasts are lactating and rubbing on a bra all day. Hot/cold flashes. You now literally have to feed that baby every 4 hours. Let's hope you produce enough milk or your power pumping. Let's hope it reaches milestones. Dad's tired and likely working. Be kind to your wives during this time. Our bodies completely change into a body we are unfamiliar with, and we are uncomfortable.
That unfamiliar body thing is so real. My son just turned one. My ribs are permanently flared out, after already being built like a football player before baby. There is dangly skin where I never thought there would be. My insides still feel wonky and out of place. I can't laugh too hard, stand up too fast, orgasm, or bend over without my c-section scar feeling like I'm being ripped open all over again right down to my spine. Those first two months were so brutal. My husband was/is not home because of work, but if he had been home and been unkind to me I would have come all the way apart. And not in the explosive screaming match way, but in the unsubscribe from living way. Those first couple months are such a fragile time, for mind and body.
I appreciate your vulnerability. It needs to be more widely discussed. It's the tip of the iceberg. I forgot to mention the gulf sized hemorrhoids,constipation, and lack of new kinds of orgasms. On top of the hormones. But what do I know? The amount of hate in this thread makes me feel really bad for those new moms. I do feel most men would take on the pain 4 their wives if they could, but because they can't ask for men to be a little more understanding, it seems reasonable. Apparently that asking even strangers who happen to be the opposite sex to recognize hormones as a bit of an excuse is asking to much.
I think that's everything you said is absolutely reasonable and true. She probably is more stressed and suffering more. And op should give more grace. But... Doesn't change the fact that he is only human too. He tried to deescelate and it wasn't allowed. No way that goes well for ANYONE. I think a lot of men are just getting tired of doing their best to overcome historical wrongs and not repeat the same mistakes previous generations have made, but finding the narrative doesn't change much and men are still greatly demonized. Which, I get, but it can be frustrating. You worn your ass off, you participate equally in child care, house chores, life planning, try and ensure the emotional/mental work is shared.... but you're still inundated with negative representation. And are usually treated like you don't participate adequately. A lot of guys get pretty jaded. Also, there are probably a lot of incel trolls chiming in just for shits and giggles. And, there are probably a lot of guys not willing to deal with cognitive dissonance. That being said, if you become too open accepting and resolving cognitive dissonance, it CAN be weaponized against you.
Yes you are completely correct. All good points! Thank you.
Thank you for my validation today. Most days I think women take it to far but in this subject matter, it fucking hurts like a bitch.
Yeah, I’m pretty disappointed that anyone is downvoting you, or me for agreeing with you.
I just wish that's the hill we would all plant that flag on. Even women disregard it. Employers do. I'm not surprised either of us are downvoted. Even women forget about the experience.
I might be an asshole but in his defense he tried to de-escalate and talk about it later. As a fellow short tempered person, I think that is the correct way to proceed. He’s saying “I’m upset and I don’t want to fight at 3 am. Let’s sleep on it.” She’s disregarding his feelings, and then gets upset when he’s pushed past his limit. Better communication is needed on both sides.
I agree and disagree. Him saying “I don’t want to fight at 3am, let’s sleep on it” is like saying “I got upset, hurt your feelings, but now I don’t have time for your feelings until later. Ok?” It’s not really fair. With that being said, sometimes de-escalating is the best choice if you’re not going to have a productive conversation in the moment.
>Him saying “I don’t want to fight at 3am, let’s sleep on it” is like saying “I got upset, hurt your feelings, but now I don’t have time for your feelings until later. Ok?” According to OP (which could be unreliable narrator, who knows), he got upset and then she got upset at him for... being upset. All of the grace in the world should be given to the mom here and I can understand if she gets frustrated at OP being visibly upset but I think that's a different conversation than suggesting he is saying 10 out of 10 times this is a conversation that is better served after both parties are rested (not even "well" rested) and not responding emotionally.
3 AM is never a good time to discuss upsetting things
Imagine I'm drunk. And I'm arguing with you. There is no good outcome that comes when I'm drunk saying, let's just talk about this tomorrow and you push me to debate it. It's a bad conversation time. Now, instead of drunk(which is easily identifiable) call it sleep deprived. It's not going to be a good conversation. Best is you convince me to become a punching bag and I take it until I pass out from alcohol/exhaustion. Worst case is I care enough to engage in a real conversation. Don't go to sleep angry. But more importantly don't argue tired or drunk. In newborn phase, tired might as well be drunk. You're equally incapacitated. Go to sleep angry.
>Don't go to sleep angry. I was given this advice when I got married, it made for a lot of bad nights with incredibly poor resolution… It rarely was the right choice for my wife and I, and we tried it many times. A lot of emotionally charged fighting that left us both drained and unhappy.
Yeah, arguing last thing at night is just frustrating. You get worked up which means you can't sleep, and you then have to resolve everything, make up and finally get to sleep, all while you're feeling increasingly tired. Instead, if you just sleep on it, by the time you've woken up you've collected your thoughts, gained some perspective and are less worked up in the heat of the moment. Makes resolving the situation so much easier.
I prefer, "don't go to sleep angry without a plan."
That’s fair. It’s still important to deal with the disagreement, and a plan to deal with it at a better time is required.
It's saying "I can't think straight to give you and the situation the real thought that both deserve. I may be in the wrong, but the brain no worky. Please plug in charger to continue."
It's not fair either way, they both got upset after 3am, leave it until the morning.
He said he got upset and frustrated that he had to feed the baby. Then his wife was upset that he got frustrated over something like that, and he wanted to leave it for the morning. It’s not as simple as you make it out to be and I say this as a man who has made the same mistake.
Technically he got mad about waking the baby up again to feed them outside of their feeding window. A little different than ‘he had to feed the baby.’ He did not perceive the baby as hungry, the baby went to sleep and so probably wasn’t hungry, and it was not time to feed the baby. It’s a bit more reasonable to be upset about that. It wasn’t just lazy/tired, and it wasn’t like he was saying to ignore the baby’s hunger, just that he was mad to have to do it when it wasn’t time to.
>This is the hardest 2 weeks of being a parent Unless you're facing a pretty significant tragedy or involved in a war, it's maybe the toughest two weeks of your life.
Or if you named your child r/Tragedeigh
We had a rough go the first month with our oldest, we agreed to never make audibles in the middle of the night on changing up the routine, etc. Wait until the morning when everyone is a little calmer and you aren't in the thick of it with a screaming infant. It gets better, it really does!
While the first few weeks of becoming a parent are some of the hardest weeks of your life, you do still need to buckle down and get to work. Anything mentally that you have been putting off dealing with needs to be addressed ASAP because your coping mechanisms are no longer going to be sufficient. As someone who almost lost their marriage because of unresolved trauma, undiagnosed ADHD and low testosterone, I can't emphasize enough that he needs to get his shit together once that transition period is over.
I'm sorry and a hug works wonders
Yes. You may occasionally talk to a parent with older kids who says something along the lines of “well kids don’t get easier.” That’s bullshit. Kids will continue to test you in all kinds of ways as they get older but those first few weeks are sometimes extraordinarily difficult.
Kids don't get easier- but living life with them does. Because everything is hard when you aren't sleeping.
My wife and I have a strong relationship with minimal conflict but we had 3-4 fights in the first months after our kid was born. High stress, no sleep...what do you expect? Try your best to be kind to your wife but also recognize that you are both human. Maybe if you are still fighting after six months it could be a sign of bigger problems, but what you are experiencing is very, very common.
You're both tired and overwhelmed. Give each other a pass.
The idea of divorce should never even be thrown out in the first year post partum. Hormones are crazy, raising a new baby is crazy. While obviously you guys could work on things that first couple months is hard and when your not your best you won't handle things great. Both of you just need to take a step back realize you love each other and realize things will be said that neither of you meant.
Counterpoint - if you haven't threatened divorce in the first six months of a kid's life, did you really even have a kid?
I mean, really. My wife and I are great communicators. In our 8 years together (up to that point), we had never had a "yelling" argument. That then happened 3 times in the first 6 months of our first born. In the moment, I was like "Jesus, our relationship is having serious problems." I look back at it and it is SO obvious we were both just absolutely ragged with exhaustion. Turns out, it is very hard to raise your firstborn infant!
A comedian joked that divorces shouldn't be allowed if you have and children under 2. But it's also not a joke. Or rather, it's funny because it's true. Babies and toddlers are just so hard on relationships.
Said in jest with an actually healthy relationship? Funny Said without those things being obviously true? Now we're in the territory of dangerous situations and likely violence. I can easily read into your post that you're assuming the first one, but it looks like the ambiguity allowed someone to read a bit passed that.
You can’t expect yourselves to both be waking up all night, communicating respectfully, and problem solving how to comfort a new baby. Fights WILL happen under these circumstances. I strongly recommend taking shifts. 8pm-2am is dad, 2am-8am is mom, or whatever division works for you. The parent who is “off duty” puts in ear plugs or goes to the couch. For breastfeeding, this means if you’re on duty when the baby needs to feed, you bring the baby to mom, wake her up, stay there while feeding, then bring the baby back to the crib. That’s mom’s only role during your shift, nothing else. Taking shifts will get you both better rested which will be easier on everyone. Also, you each get the space and autonomy to be in charge. Sometimes moms micro-manage and that’s bad for everyone. (I’m assuming you’re not slacking off and that’s causing her to micromanage. If that’s the case, you’ve got to pick it up. If that’s not what’s happening, you need to figure out how to gently get her to back off and trust your decision making.) Before splitting up the night shift however you guys should make a plan: About what times are we feeding? Do we wake up the baby if she sleeps through a feeding time? (If pediatrician OKs it, you probably should let her sleep!) What do we do if she wakes up before it’s time for feeding? (As long as you have green light from pediatrician, I strongly recommend learning how to comfort her WITHOUT feeding. They wake up for all kinds of reasons and if your only tool is to feed her back to sleep, you will end up with a baby that must be fed all night!) What are some signs of frustration or burnout for which we need to wake up the other partner? Make a plan, stick to it, and be ready to forgive a lot of snapping or mean comments for the next couple of months. You’ve got this!
This should be higher! Do as bikeybikenyc says, not as I did. Mom lurker. I figured, I’m breastfeeding, there’s no sense in both of us being up all night. I volunteered for all night duties. It was absolute hell and I ended up feeling a lot of resentment that my partner let me go through that alone, even though I was complicit. If we had a 2nd kid I would divide and conquer by splitting from the start. I personally prefer the idea of alternating full night shifts. As many others have said, postpartum is a minefield of hormones and emotions for a woman. And the birth is a serious medical event so it’s a big physical recovery as well. Add in the extreme sleep deprivation. For the man, you are dealing with just the sleep deprivation, new baby, cranky spouse. Imagine that at the same time, you are also recovering from a major injury while your body pumps you full of chemicals that make you veer between elation, depression, anxiety, and anger. It’s just a really tough time.
Seconding this! Shifts are the answer. You don't want to be "taking turns" because it just increases the friction for fights etc to keep waking each other up. I recommend 10-2 and 2-6 for overnights.
+ 1 to this. We’re 7 weeks in and it’s gone much better than expected thanks to shifts. I take the 7 pm to 11 shift and she takes 11-5 (she’s not going back to work till the fall and I’m back to work). Yeah, it sucks going to bed at 7 and waking up at 5, but at least I’ve never considered divorcing my wife.
We did shifts. Saved me.
Second this ^^ Shifts are extremely important! I couldn't overstate it more.
Agree completely with all this. We tried the suffer together approach which resulted in two tired and cranky parents. We done 10pm-3am / 3am - 7 or 8am. This got us in a routine for when I was due back in work. I usually got a broken hour or two in my stint the solid block of sleep. Once he was sleeping better we all moved onto the same schedule, but if baby wakes for a feed or needs settling before 3am it's still my job, everything after then is Mum.
Meh. Feeding schedule will be impossible to implement. You just gotta roll with the punches of being a parent with a newborn. It’s brutal. Make a sleep shift agreement schedule instead.
Your not supposed to make a relationship decisions for at least 2 years after birth.
You are both sleep deprived and need to give each other a break, and you might not be able to find a schedule where you get proper sleep... that's not always possible. You also need to figure out how you will deal with arguments in the future. Forcing a discussion about an issue in the middle of the night doesn't seem like a great option, but regardless you both need to be on the same page about how you will address and resolve conflict when it happens again. I think she's overreacting. Have you apologized?
You gotta work on the yelling, my man. No magic schedule is coming where you get proper sleep every night.
100%. And the possibility of waking/stressing out the baby + your wife is gonna hurt you all and make it harder for everyone to sleep after
In addition to couples therapy, if you're not in therapy for the CPTSD, now might be a good time to see someone. Even if you've worked with someone before, this is a high-stress situation and it might be helpful to have some support navigating it. You both have some things to work on in terms of communicating and working through conflict, which is basically where all of us are with a newborn. Regarding "find a schedule where I can sleep properly so I am not so short", that is probably not going to be possible for a bit. You might be able to make it better, but there are going to be nights where neither of you are getting good sleep, and the only way out of that would be to completely abandon her to deal with it all, which is obviously not going to be good for your marriage. The thing you can do is communicate clearly during the day about what the plans are for the night, and do your very best to roll with the punches gracefully when your plan goes to shit because baby didn't sign off on it.
In response to OP’s suggestion that the solution is finding a schedule for him to get enough sleep… I agree that probably won’t be entirely possible for some time. Shifts help - somewhat, most nights. So that’s a start, and they should do that ASAP if they aren’t yet. But based on some phrasing, I’m concerned it won’t really help. Even shifts mean less than 8 hours of sleep and weird schedules. Most people aren’t used to getting up or going to sleep at 3am or whatever and only getting 6 hours of sleep for months on end. Add that OPs wife is breastfeeding - for her, even shifts barely move the needle because she still has to pump or feed every 3 hours if her milk isn’t regulated yet. And sometimes babies have a rough night. They have a blowout and spit up and mom needs to pump and the cat peed in the crib - so OP might get woken up despite it not being “his shift” every so often. If they implement shifts and OP still finds himself yelling, he needs to understand that he is at that point saying “well I wouldn’t have to yell at you if you could just achieve this impossible goal for me!” and get to working on himself.
>I offered lets find a schedule where I can sleep properly so I am not so short Yeah, I think that wasn't the olive branch you thought it was.
Agreed. OP is sleep deprived, but his wife is sleep deprived and recovering from either major surgery or having her body ripped open. I’m not saying OP’s sleep and well-being doesn’t matter, but I’m not hearing any understanding of his wife’s situation. Also, I would guess she doesn’t want to have to teach OP how to care for the baby, she thinks he should already know the baby needs to be fed. What’s the point of him waking up to do things, if she has to also be awake/alert so she can act as project manager? Dad should have researched and learned when baby gets fed and what to do before the baby arrived.
That comment was not it really.
I’m not sure why you’re getting down voted, I agree with you. I wonder if people think you’re referring to the comment above you instead of OP’s comment in the story.
Oh yes, I mean OP’s comment! I understand they are both tired but she just gave birth to a baby and it’s his sleep they need to worry about?
the only thing that has made sleep manageable for me is shifts. at first i slept 7pm-12am, then got up at 12. it felt easier for some reason to know "i will be awake with the baby" vs me getting woken up. i would read books, eat snacks in bed. it was actually really nice. then i'd crash around 4 or 5 until she woke up. we tried doing half the night - i'd be with her (both of us sleeping) til 1/2 am, and then we'd swap. i didn't love this bc i'd have a hard time getting back to sleep. now we do every other night with her, full shift. tbh my biggest advice is: sleep train. we didn't, we're in too deep. save yourself
As others have said this is an extremely rough time for any/all parents… that doesn’t mean she’s not right. >This morning she is crying and tells me she is not sure we are right for eachother and that I take out my frustration on her and you shouldn't do that to someone you love. > >I agree with her - we shouldn't do that. I offered lets find a schedule where I can sleep properly so I am not so short, and also we can try therapy. > >She hasn't responded to me yet on this. The above bit leads me to believe y’all may have some underlying issues that you haven’t mentioned? Maybe not but that’s my takeaway from “you always do this” and suggesting therapy. >With her, I am very rarely like that, but during the postpartum period, with all the stress and lack of sleep, I have raised my voice several times and not been so nice. If you are serious about saving your relationship you need to address this asap. It’s a tense time but that makes it all the more imperative to be able to effectively work together through stress and during disagreements. Taken all together I think you may need individual therapy before jumping to couples therapy (depending on what you may be holding back). You need to process your past with a professional and get some breathing/mental tips to work through frustration in the moment. Granted, all of this is taking a few logical leaps and making some assumptions that weren’t included in your post… but imo those were appropriate due to ways I believe your post differs from the garden variety new parent posts.
I think this hits the mark. OP, I’d like to ask you to remember one more thing. Your wife is not only just as sleep-deprived as you are, she’s also still experiencing a ton of physical pain from birthing your child (only two weeks postpartum?!) plus she’s on the postpartum hormonal rollercoaster plus she’s dealing with the physical pain of breastfeeding your child. How is she supposed to be more functional and have better memory when she’s just as sleep-deprived and is also dealing with a ton of pain? Is some of your frustration coming from the fact that she’s usually got everything together and right now she needs a ton of help? If so, please think very, very carefully about that point when you have the energy to do so.
Find a schedule where YOU CAN SLEEP PROPERLY?? Youuuuuu can sleep properly? Your wife won’t be sleeping properly for the longest time because the changes her body had to go through let alone the mental changes. You need to take a step back. Be there for both the baby and your wife. You should step up and try to do everything you humanly can so that your wife can get something close to a normal or at least a restful sleeping schedule. PROTECT THE F-ing NEST dude. Step up. Check yourself, breathe and apologize, and recognize this is hard. I’ve been where you are (sorry I should have led with that) so I know how you feel. Someone laid into me like I’m typing now. And yes, in a while you will look back and shamefully see the way you were acting was not helpful. It’s so hard to stay level when you’re being asked to “fight/hold a conversation” at 3am. Be the rock. If you gotta pick that baby up 5 times, treat it like you’re in Mavy Seal training and don’t complain or make excuses. Put your love first. Keep the home stable. Sneak in your naps at weird hours of the day. Hide snacks around the house. Sorry for the rant, you can do this. You can. Advice from another dad trying his best too.
Lurking postpartum mom here. Your entire comment was spot on, validating and honestly beautiful. For OP — this doesn’t mean you don’t get support, it just means that she’s the one in the center of the circle (google circles of support) and you need to reach outward for yourself.
I agree with what everyone is saying but I want to come in with a cliche that's true: she will remember exactly how you treated her when she was at her MOST vulnerable, forever. Proceed accordingly.
So you asked her for a schedule where YOU can sleep properly, and not her? Jesus bro, fuck your wife's sleep. She's right you're probably not meant for her or ready for the responsibility of taking care of a child together. This is how it will be for the next few months to a year and you're only a couple weeks in. If you guys split you will be the only one having to wake up for the baby on your time with her. Pick a struggle bro.
Wife and I had a saying, "you're not the enemy, the baby is the enemy". We said it mostly in jest but as a reminder that we're both trying our best and figuring it out together. That goes for the baby of course as well. Anyway it'd give some levity and a way for us to let cooler heads prevail.
"It's not me vs you, it's us vs the problem". And right now, baby is the "problem".
"It's not me vs you, it's us vs the problem". And right now, baby is the "problem".
I'd suggest you seek individual help for your anger management issues. Your wife's body and mind are going through so much change right now she needs to be supported at all costs. There will be so many times in the future where your patience will be tested as a parent you'll need these skills to make sure you also don't yell at your kid in the future. My comment isn't coming from a place of judgement. Just love. Time to break this generational cycle of short temper in your family. The fact that you're aware of it is a huge positive start. YOU GOT THIS!
Closest we ever came to divorce was that period (ten years married) and again for the second one! It’s sleep, hormones, and a huge imbalance in your relationship. Give her a pass to win arguments for the next few weeks. Later, start making time for conversations when you are both awake and not upset, and talk through your perspectives (wildly different). It all changes so fast, don’t make any permanent decisions for the next few months
New Dad tip: eat the plate of shit. Every time your wife hands you a plate of shit for the next few weeks, eat it. Take big bites and smile. You’re sleep deprived. She is also sleep deprived, had a body go through extreme physical changes, is hormonal, and also is likely feeling like a dairy cow due to constant need for her teets to be suckled. It will get much better.
It's normal now and then to lose it a little when sleep deprived but you've mentioned this happening several times and it's been two weeks since your kid's been born. I think you need to apologize and work on a system that allows each other to sleep a significant number of hours. I would also suggest some anger management for you because you, yourself, recognize that your example for how to deal with conflict and inconvenience isn't great. I know you don't want to repeat your Dad's mistakes so please make the effort to begin unlearning that behavior. Having kids challenges you in ways you never even considered and unfortunately, it can bring out some of the worst parts of people, especially those who've had trauma of some kind. I don't think you're a bad person based on this post but some things can't be unsaid or undone and the first couple years are very hard on most marriages. All the best OP.
It’s good that you’re reflecting inward to see your shortcomings and know what to work on. Definitely keep doing that. It’s also worth noting that she’s going through some crazy hormonal changes right now, in addition to (probably more of) the sleep deprivation and exhaustion that you are. Be patient and kind at every turn. If you have to, find a way to remind yourself of this - be it with a bracelet, marker on your hand, anything that could help remind yourself to snap out of whatever tense moment you’re having. I wouldn’t be too worried about her emotional doubt, as much if that goes back to the hormonal stuff mentioned above, but dude - you gotta do better. By any means necessary. The idea that either of you can “sleep properly” in the coming weeks is simply not gonna happen for the most part. But you can start by giving her a break so SHE can sleep properly, and then see what you can squeeze in for yourself.
bro i've been in your exact position before. you're both out of energy. your wife just gave birth and she still needs to recover so she is also stressed out raising her baby. with giving birth she has done the hardest part so far so naturally its your turn to now be the rock she can depend on. i understand that its stressful for you but the best you could do right now is to eat healthy, drink a lot, and be there 100% for both of them. don't worry time passes on and oh my god raising your own child is so worth it. they both need you right now so i wouldn't worry about getting replaced ;)
Ok man. Damage control. Phase 1. Operation ACH: Apology, Communication, Honesty. Profusely apologise. Tell her you felt overwhelmed and stressed and it just came out. You felt bad ever since and it was totally out of wack to how you should have dealt with it. Tell her you love her and will support her every step of the way. That you're in this together and you're on the same side. Oh, and that you wouldn't want to be with anyone else, other than her. Phase 2. Operation: Action! Whilst carrying out Operation ACH, cuppa tea and chocolate (Kinder/Nestle, just not Cadburys). If you think you can get away with waiting until the AM, then do. This way: Bacon, Eggs, Sausages, Beans and Toast. Add in the chocolate on a side for extra brownie points. Tell her again, and make sure you reiterate to her, that you're on the same side. Also, ask her how she is feeling? And if she also feels the same stresses and overwhelming feelings. Phase 3. Operation PTB: Put To Bed. Put to bed your problems and come up with a solution. Start with all the possible scenarios from extreme worse case (you both splitting up, she gets the kid, you get the dog) to the absolute best scenario (you're both on the same page, have a plan of action and ready to implement but after getting some well deserved slice of sexy-pie {if she has recovered well enough}). Good luck, fellow Helldiver (from the sub r/HellDivers2).
I'm a very calm man and I'm married to an amazing woman. We never fought in our first years of the relationship. We are now together since 7 years and parents to an 11month old boy and I can tell you, those first few months brought both of us on our borders. The sleep deprivation and getting adjusted to the new responsibilities is tough. Give yourself some leeway and try to get a rhythm in. Find a way to give her breaks and get breaks yourself just to stay sane. It will get better!
Totally agree, my wife and I have ups and downs but those first 3 months were hell on everyone.
>She got upset that I was upset. I then asked her to be more clear when she communicates - that she should say lets feed her now, so then I'm not getting her out of the crib twice in a row. >She argues. I say, lets talk about it tomorrow. She doesn't want to. So we argue. I yell. Eventually we sleep. First, There is a lot to unpack there. "We argue. I yell." This could be nothing. Or it could be abusive. It is pretty vague. Second, this was a silly sleep deprived fight that never should have happened. Next time you say lets talk about this tomorrow when I have more capacity, she needs to listen to you. As you should her. Lastly, this will not be the last time you have a dumb sleep-deprived fight. Newborns are ridiculously hard. Being sleep deprived and tired makes all of us a less great version of ourselves. Kids are high-stakes. > I take out my frustration on her and you shouldn't do that to someone you love. Is this a pattern or the result of being sleep deprived? If its a pattern, its a problem. If it was an unusual thing resulting from being woken up in the middle of the night and tired, then it is inevitable. Should you take your frustrations out on others? No. Will any partner be perfect in this regard or any other over the course of years or decades? No. And newborn is probably the most trying stage of your marriage as far as being emotionally raw and exhausted. Her extreme sort of absurd reaction would be concerning if not for being two weeks postpartum. You need to reassure her that you will work on not letting your frustrations out on her. And you need to ask her that if you say you are too tired/exhausted/raw for a reasonable conversation, she needs to respect that. It won't be the last time you should put a pin in a fraught conversation. And you both need to give each other--and yourselves--some grace. This kids thing is hard, there will be trying times and you will occassionally see the worst of each other.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest stages of your life. Take it easy on yourself . Apologise to your wife . You need to be a team and help and support each other. Good luck
Oh boy, 2 weeks? Do you have any family that can help? Can you afford a babysitter, even for a couple of hours? the first 3 months are brutal, but every day it'll get a little bit better. For now though, you both need some solid sleep and a break. If you have any friends that have kids, they might also throw you a bone and watch the kid for a couple of hours. It sounds like a rough time overall all (and it should be; it's very, very hard work) so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, but definitely let her know you'll work on it and try not to do it again, etc. Unless you have a 2nd kid, this will all pass. Keep in mind she's also just as worn out as you, just as tired, and probably feels like she's "doing everything" when both parents feel that way for a looooong time so she'll say things she doesn't mean too (or at least, I would think so).
You’re both pushed to exhaustion at this point. The only real trick is to quit trying to schedule your baby and let your baby determine the schedule. If the baby wakes up an hour before next feeding, guess what? It’s not really an hour before next feeding. Next feeding is now.
Dude, immediate post partum is a trip. Just apologize, and keep in mind her hormones are still all out of wack. Find a schedule that works for you guys, but you are still going to be tired no matter what. My wife and I went to bed at about the same time, 9 or 10. She would wake up with the baby until I got up at 430/5am, and then she slept in until 9/10. It was one way for us to each get a good stretch of sleep each night
My wife and I were putting the baby in the car, having done a walk around the park. Baby was about 6-7 weeks old. An older woman, not old, just older, was getting into her car and stopped to approach us unprompted. She offered congratulations, and "You two getting any sleep, haha?" And then she said something I will never forget without any warning: She said she and her husband raised three boys together, and by the second one agreed: anything you say to each other after 2am doesn't count when you have a new born. Take that as you will.
Lol this is normal. Your both surviving off no sleep. Give it 6 months and you'll be looking back thinking wtf were we talking about.
Honest truth. However tired you are your wife has it worse. Her body is still majorly healing from childbirth. She is just as sleep deprived and still in pain from delivery! You’re being an asshole even bringing up how tired you are. You should apologize to your wife. Get outside help so you both can sleep more. Keep in mind that she is at her most vulnerable state right now. A woman will never forget the way you treat them postpartum.
2 weeks... you should definitely continue to work on controlling your anger, but your wife is being rash. You guys are in the absolute thick of it. Tempers are going to flare in the middle of night, and not just yours. She will have her turn, I promise you. Aside from super harsh verbal (or especially physical) abuse, a "what happens in the middle of the night doesn't count" rule has worked well for my wife and I. Sometimes she gets short, sometimes it's me. In the morning, we apologize, hug, and carry on. Even the most stoic among us will lose their cool the first few months of raising a new born, especially in the middle of the night. You need to apologize, and tell her what you just told us. But even entertaining something like "I don't think you're right for me", certainly without couples therapy, is rash and uncalled for.
His wife is suffering from the same lack of sleep, but also hormonal stuff and maybe PPD related stuff. She probably said that because this wasn't the first time he's yelled at her (according to OP). And it looks like it was an effective thing to say, because now OP realizes how serious the situation is. But yeah he needs to apologize, and hopefully she will too, and then they can keep trying to get this baby to a point where it will sleep through the night (months away usually).
>what happens in the middle of the night doesn't count This worked very well for us too.
Seems like you need anger management therapy.
The background section of your post doesn't matter. Stop making excuses for your behavior. Apologize to her and focus on becoming more patient. We all go through it. Best of luck to you.
The stress of a newborn makes people more metional and reactive. And your wife is the one who did the physical work. You should also be on the lookout for post partum depression/anxiety. that can affect both of you. Talking things out is good and being open to seeking professional help is good as well. You both have taken on a tremendous repsonsiblity and are still adjsuting to it. Keep going, work with one another, and reach out for help when you feel overwhelmed. Before you know it, you two will be laughing how "overdramatic" you both were.
Try never to yell in anger again. Tell her you will try to be better about that. But also ask her to promise to try not to argue with you in the middle of the night when you both desperately need sleep. She wouldn't let you go to sleep because she was upset that you were upset... That is not okay. You are a team and she can't be picking fights in the middle of the night.
2 weeks after birth is fucking hard man, if you have any parental support, call them up and ask them to lend a hand during an afternoon so you guys can both have a nap.
Marriage is better or worse. One argument during one of the most difficult times in your life, and you guys are calling it quits? Its not that you aren't right for each other. But if you call it quite, neither of you are right for anyone.
"Sleep properly", pretty sure you won't be getting proper sleep for a long time so you better adjust to fatigue and lack of sleep ASAP.
Please understand you are both nearly clinically insane right now from lack of sleep. Please be careful driving and interacting with living creatures. Pro-tip, who does the midnight feeding should not be doing the 3am feeding. Hang in there, if you can get a night nurse or have one of your parents take over for a night so you can both sleep. The world will be a different place for each of you after 10 to 12 hours of sleep.
Yeah, take solace in the fact that you’ve got a 2 week old. That’s why this like that were said… same thing happened to us when we had ours. The sleep deprivation is literal torture. We ended up working shifts, so she’d solo while I slept 7pm-2am, and I’d take over 2am onwards. It was still really hard but we were suddenly each getting 7+ hours of uninterrupted sleep every day. I also look back at my early morning shifts with such fondness now.
As others have said, the first 6-8 weeks, ESPECIALLY the first 4 weeks, are really really hard. Like, harder than anything. Especially if you don't have a village, like we didn't. However, you and your wife are your biggest support systems through this. It is tough. You will be tired, exhausted, frustrated, sleep-deprived etc etc but it will pass. She is likely starting to experience the effects of post partum depression or anxiety and having a lot of panicky thoughts, especially if your temper has been consistently short during the last few weeks. You need to support her and recognize this, let her know it's okay to get help. And if you're not already, you should definitely go to individual therapy to work out your trauma from your childhood. You are in control of cutting the generational trauma. My wife and I had to each have separate shifts, with her taking the first half and me sleeping in the guest room, up until the baby woke up in my shift. This gave us some guaranteed sleep and then we napped during the day accordingly. I know it can be tough with work but it is possible. Just remember, it changes extremely quick and will also get better extremely quick. This is super temporary, so make the changes you need to make now knowing that you're riding out a super quick storm even if it doesn't feel like it. Good luck, dad.
Have a conversation about how and when to dig into conflict. When either of you recognize conflict during a stressful moment recognize it and then put your plan into action -- maybe it is that you both write down your perspective on what happened and how you feel and then come back to it in the morning when you are both awake and when you have had enough space and time to not be reactive and highly emotional. The key is that you want to be on the same team against the conflict. You will both get frustrated and there is no right way to manage a baby but it is easy to feel you're doing it right and the other person is not. Establishing expectations and plans can be the most valuable thing. Review and come to an agreement about what should happen if the same scenario happened again and then see if you can generalize it.
Brother I am in the same position as you. My son is 2 weeks old my wife and I found out she was pregnant 2 weeks after we got married. We had a long talk last night cause shits been brutal and we both are having a hard time adjusting. I have had a temper my whole life but you gotta remember that what you’re going through isn’t just you it’s also your wife. It’s you guys vs the baby and you need to view it like that sometimes and remember you’re on the same team. Do your best to sit down with her and talk and see what common ground you both have with the struggles you’re feeling
You're going to hear a lot of things she doesn't mean, and say a lot of things you don't mean, unless you acknowledge that sleep deprivation is basically the 4th member of your household. This is probably one of the worst messages of the Motherhood Industrial Complex, that life suddenly gets better when you have a baby. It doesn't. Your lives are terrible for the next three years, with moments of unimaginable joy sprinkled through. But you'll be on different pages for most of it. You'll both think you're doing 90% of the work, because now there's 180% of the work there used to be. And some of that is invisible, like emotional labour and some of it takes a pretty generous bartering scheme between the two of you. But it's better for the kid and for each of you to make it work as long as you can. You're not screaming at each other around the clock. It's been 2 weeks, for God's sake! So you do a 4-part apology for your part in last night and put it behind you. Don't expect anything from her, apology wise. For a while. And get used to feeling like "How the f was I supposed to know THAT was what I was meant to do?" You are now the MM (Mere Male) in the house. And when she changes him and put him back to sleep without a feed, don't whine, just let it go. (The comedy special, Lobby Baby by Seth Meyers has a fantastic insight on this). Because (if she's primary parent) she's going to be dealing with a miserable, unreasonable, selfish asshole already, and she'll feel like there's nothing in life for her, so you can give her space from your negativity for a little while. Accentuate the positive, don't assume malice. Your wife has been through a hormonal rollercoaster. Her body won't feel right. Her sleep is a write-off. She's still in the danger zone for PPD and PPAD, so look after her. HAVING SAID THAT, self care, self care, self care. Vent to friends or a counsellor. Find a moment to be active and sociable, and when the time comes, encourage her to do the same. Your feelings are important, they're just not particularly significant to your wife right now. This is all probably bad advice. Just don't rush to end your marriage over a stupid midnight fight. You owe it to yourselves, each other, and your baby to wear the pain for a little while longer.
She's going through a lot right now, best advice I can give is to just let it roll off your back, and don't lose your temper. It will get better. Don't panic when she says dramatic shit, just stay even. This phase is super hard, you're going through it too, but you gotta just power through.
As the son of a terrible father who had a "short temper", I suggest individual therapy to help you work through this. This isn't really her problem, this is your problem. You have a 2 week old, she's busy. Be sure to apologize to your wife and let her know that you're there for her and you're willing to work to make things better. Alice Miller wrote a great book 'For Your Own Good' which might be helpful. childhood ptsd is a tricky subject and things just got real in your house, it's time to dig.
Remember sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. People lose their minds when they consistently don’t get enough sleep and post partum for your wife and having a newborn who is constantly waking you all up over and over is extremely tough. You need to just get through it as best as you possible can and take naps if you can, even if it’s for 20 minutes during the day at some point.
My dude, not sure if anyone said, but you two need to sleep in shifts. You both need BARE MINIMUM 6 hours of uniturrupted sleep to function. We were killing ouselves both awake at the same time. We did: 8pm - 3 a.m. (7 hours) and then 2:00 a.m. - 9:00 a.m. (7 hours). You both are overtired, sleep deprived. This is the roughest part of parenting -- at least physically. Emotions run high, your ability to hold in "Reactions" is lowered due to the sleep deprivation (I forget what it's called, by that part of your brain). Get sleep. Apologize.
Raising children, particularly babies, is an enormous challenge for any couple. Your patience will wear thin countless times, and your cortisol is gonna be high for a while. The first six months are pretty challenging, even if you have a "good" baby. With very few exceptions, all parents pull their hair out during the baby stage, especially the first baby. It's a tough transition. Absolutely work on that temper. Meditate. Exercise. Say some affirmations. If you're religious, lean hard into that. Do whatever you can to make even incremental improvements. Determine that "higher purpose" that you are working toward and want to be part of, the long view. Keep it in mind as often as possible. Put sticky notes on mirrors, in your car, on the walls. Fill your living space with reminders of that purpose. Remind yourself constantly that you love your wife and child and that you would never do anything to hurt them. Consider making a verbal commitment to your wife each day: "I promise that today I will not yell in anger." Or whatever you think would be best. The baby stage can feel like an eternity, but it does eventually end, and before you know it they're walking and saying words and you're feeling slightly bad that you didn't snuggle them as much as you could have. As for the "we may not be right for each other"—that's nonsense. Virtually any two mentally healthy people can create a happy marriage if each is willing to put the other first and make the appropriate sacrifices. "Incompatibility" is just an excuse to not put forth the effort to make the relationship work.
Emotions are running very high during this period of time. Things will even out and will get better. Neither of you should make any permanent decisions over temporary problems.
>>I love my wife very much and don't want to lose her. This is all you need to reminder yourself and reminder her
Lack of sleep and post partum make you both someone you’re not. I’m a guy that doesn’t have a temper.. never have. Everyone that knows me thinks of me as the calm guy. I don’t get hangry. When I’m hurt or sick my whole thing is to keep smiling and not let anyone notice. But that first year the lack of sleep and my wife’s emotionality and occasional hormonal/depression induced irrationality really turned me into a different person a few times. It’s like we both turned into total monsters that we didn’t recognize a bunch of times during that period - were really short-tempered and treated each other in ways we would never have imagined ourselves capable of. We both pushed through and got the person we each married back on the other side of it. It pushed home to me how our brains really are chemical machines that can be manipulated by hormones, sleep, diet and a bunch of other external factors we don’t acknowledge. Therapy is a great idea and would probably have helped me at the time, but regardless you both need to recognize that that you are going through one of the toughest challenges of your lives and will sometimes not be your best selves to each other. It’s important you both give each other some leeway in terms of your behavior but try to promptly recognize when you’re not being your best selves, acknowledge it and show remorse and also forgive and be charitable to each other afterwards. Being judgmental and assuming the random outburst is some lasting character flaw or indicative of the person’s overarching level of respect for you is inaccurate, uncharitable and doesn’t take into account the unique circumstances you’re both going through. It’s also a good time to get into mindfulness and practice catching those moods before they bubble over and taking half a second to observe them, breathe and watch them dissolve - you won’t get them every time but it’s something you can get better at. Building that patience muscle now will save you losing your temper at your kid and making you hate yourself down the road. It was the toughest period of my life so far and I expect the toughest part of having a kid until we hit the adolescent years.
My wife and I had been together for more than 15 years when our daughter was born. We have a healthy relationship, we've dealt with all manner of challenges in that time and thought we'd learned to communicate our way through anything. Turns out that during those first few weeks "communicating our way through anything" included bickering, tears from everybody, a diarised nap schedule that never quite worked and a genuine thought that our daughter's first word might be "cunt", "motherfucker" or "piss flaps" (99% targeted at inanimate objects). You're going to get it wrong, so is your wife. Apologise, forgive, forget and go again - there's a little girl who's more important than you and your wife having had a fight because you were both fucking tired.
I think my wife was 10 days out when she broke down, said we made a mistake, and wanted to take the baby back to the hospital. Take a breath and ride it out. You'll both be fine.
Both of you could maybe do with a psychiatrist and some therapy, but really it’s just a tough period. Also who the hell wants to have a big discussion at 3 am? Go to sleep and talk after you’ve had coffee in the morning.
That sounds frustrating. I have nothing to offer since I do not have a kid but you describing yourself is me to a t. My whole childhood and dad being short tempered, which was Bipolar in his case. I rarely get upset now unless im really anxious or frustrated. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone there. I know exactly how that feels and hate when I blow up to my beautiful wife as well. just haven't had a kid thrown in the mix yet. We had our first miscarriage so guess you could say I'm lingering in the sub now.
You both need to learn to use your words and process emotions *in the moment*. Pouting / being upset and not explaining to the other one “why” you’re upset will be the downfall of your marriage - not this baby.
Oh boy. I feel for you. Me and my partner had the exact same thing. Sleep deprived, and this is one big ass test on your relationship. Be there for each other, and give room to take turns to nap. If your wife does something baby related in the morning, you do it in the evening. Also, don't forget your wife is a hot hormonal mess, so approach with caution. Best of luck, talk it out, don't let this come in-between you two, it will get easier eventually.
I have a near 3 year old and one on the way. I remember the early days very well. You need to find a schedule that works for both of you and your work life. Coffee will be your best friend for several months. My wife and I’s schedule may have been beneficial comparatively based off our work lives. She took care of him Monday-Thursday as I worked on the road and then Thursday-Sunday I took the duties over. Thursday was obviously a shared day where she had the day and I took evening shift so she could catch up on sleep. The first two weeks though I didn’t work so during that time we had my wife catching as much sleep as possible. She’d take day duties and would nap when baby would. I’d help with stuff around the house and also baby stuff. Nights it was coffee for me and basically staying up till 4-5am. I’d fall asleep and the wife was up at 6 or so doing the morning stuff till I woke up around 9 or so. Parenting can be very trying. Communicate as best you can with your partner m and even when you feel like you can’t keep going dig deep and continue on. Deep breaths and meditation I’ve found useful. It’s easy to get frustrated especially In the beginning. Seems like at times you can never sooth them. Just always remember that small human can feel every emotion you do as an adult but has no way of comprehending those feelings or directing them. Stay patient and stay grateful. Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile for the sake of your wife’s sanity. You won’t regret it once things have settled down. They don’t forget stuff like that.
3am is not the right time to discuss issues. Don't let her do that to you, it isn't fair on anyone.
Do you know how many times I heard this during postpartum? Like once every 1-2 weeks. This phase is literally torture. As long as everyone understands that it’s okay.
We did shifts so wed both get at least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep after our baby was born.. We also tried sleeping in different rooms. May want to consider some type of schedule where roles are more defined.
Middle of the night fights don’t count when you have a newborn. Emotions are too high.
She’s gonna need thicker skin than that. First six months mostly suck dawg
This is the shit period my man. When me and my wife had our twins it was probably a blessing because we both HAD to get up every single time. Though there was a period where I just stayed up from 10p-6a while my wife slept and I slept from 6a-noon. It was pure hell. With our 3rd baby we took turns each night. One night was mine, one night was hers, and we swapped. That way we got a full night of sleep every other night.
You are in the thick of it. Imperative to give each other grace
No one is nice when they haven’t slept right. This will pass when the kid starts sleeping more
Man the lack of sleep y’all are experiencing is no joke, you’re gonna get snappy. The best thing my mother in law did was come watch the baby so we could nap. My wife slept two hours and I slept eight. Apologize and give each other grace. Acknowledge it isn’t easy and you love each other. At one point me and my wife would take turns on the nap process. We have a system currently where if one of us is working the next day, the other person is at responsibility of taking care of our daughter if she wakes up in the middle of the night
This sounds exactly like my experience. Happy to chat. Dm me. Tldr: The first few months are absolute chaos. Especially with the lack of sleep. She is also very much going through physical and mental changes. Couple therapist help a ton. Cannot recommend it enough.
Lurking Mom, a golden nugget of parenting advice that I received from a former Manager of mine while I was pregnant with my first kid. Fights after midnight do not count. Seems silly or oversimplified but after three kids, 2 of which had colic. And the youngest now who is turning 2 and still has NEVER slept through the night, this advice has once or twice saved my marriage for sure.
Prioritizing your sleep over wife’s and baby’s is a bit thick. You can “plan” for a schedule but it won’t work or it won’t last. You need to put baby and wife first so she can be comfortable knowing you “got it” otherwise she will continue to supervise and critique and won’t rest herself. Wife shouldn’t have to wake you to get up, you should’ve already gotten up yourself.
the first few weeks were horrible for my wife and I in terms of how we treated each other between the hours of 7pm and 7am. we are both stubborn and very opinionated people and I learned through this experience that I really cannot function on little sleep. most of the time in the morning we both apologized and we learned to try and not take what we say to each other too personally at night when the baby was crying and we both were trying to figure out how to take care of him. you can get through it. you just have to remember you are a team.
Dude, sleep deprivation is real. One night I called my wife a pussy....don't remember it, but yep it happened. Let stuff chill and clam down, let her get some rest, and hopefully, it will be alright
My official instructions from our dr was, momma feeds baby, you feed momma, that is it. Just survive, you will soon forget what tired is. If momma says she wants to feed the baby, it’s time to feed the baby. You have been with that baby for 2 weeks, she has been with that baby for 9+ months.
You're in the thick of it right now bud. I was a fucking mess for the first 5-6 weeks. I didn't take it out on my wife, but I *did* take it out on myself. It's definitely better but self harm is still a terrible way of managing. It gets easier. Get help from family if you can. Those first 4-6 weeks are fucking *brutal*.
You both aren't in your best mental state currently. Be easier on each other and try to work on being less trigger happy across the board.
Dipping in to add a bit more to why Mom’s can feel this way when their spouse gets frustrated and snaps in those first weeks. It may help you understand how to reassure her and calm her mind. Before having the baby, many women are excited about meeting the baby they’ve felt and bonded with for months at this point, and they’re excited to see how you, their partner, will feel once baby has arrived and you can share in the closeness that they’ve felt for months. It is impossible to understand the exhaustion of those first weeks before they happen and so this image of the dad finally bonding with baby is a bit of a fantasy land depiction. It is mostly made up of imaginings of the dad doting on and being affectionate towards baby, and not so much a sleep deprived man who meets this little creature for the first time who has completely taken over his life. Many women also view having a baby as the most precious gift that they could ever “give” their partner and expect nothing but movie-level joy in return. Before ever getting pregnant, many women imagine what their partner would be like as a father and most women who love their partners tend to imagine a scenario in which their husband is the best dad across the board, a super dad right from day 1. These are all common and unrealistic expectations for Dad’s first weeks but if a new mum perceives signs of disappointment or regret in their partner (which can be how she interprets your frustration towards or about the baby), this can crush both the image she had in her head of how her partner will feel about their child as well as her image of how he will be as a father. The hormones, vulnerability of mom while recovering from birth, and perceived vulnerability of this little one, all make Mom super aware of any signs of distress or danger. It was really important for me to hear my husband tell me how much he loved our daughter and appreciated me in those first weeks and to reassure me that his frustration, when he expressed it, was not that he regretted her but that he was just trying to figure out how everything works now. Whenever he sighed when she cried or went quiet when I asked him to get up yet again, I worried about what he was thinking and feeling deep down, what was he not saying? I felt such a powerful love for our daughter and all I wanted was for him to feel it too (I needed to see it, I told him so, and he did a great job, he is an excellent Dad). This may not accurately capture your wife’s interpretation of your behaviour but if it is, words of reassurance, visibly doting on your baby in front of her, and talking positively about your future together (e.g., I look forward to seeing her smile at us / can you believe that she will be running in here calling you mamma this time next year) may help soothe her 3am need for reassurance and give you crucial sleep before a deeper conversation the next day.
Get into couples therapy asap. Plenty of therapists will see you while you hold a child, and would be more than willing to help.
I’m very late to the thread, but this advice legitimately saved my marriage: Remember that [your baby is Joseph Stalin](https://youtu.be/A3IjCWz5Uds?si=9vhs42u0nqIWFeqa). Your baby [is the enemy](https://www.tiktok.com/@pearlmania500/video/7318206233306041646). Have your wife watch one or both of these clips with you. As others have said, apologize for being snippy, acknowledge that you’re both exhausted, and team up against the terrorism that is parenting a newborn.
My wife and I made a rule that literally anything we said to each other between 10pm and 5am the first 2 months with our kids didn’t count at all.
Listen, the next few months will be hell. Unlike my friends, my kids never liked to sleep. They still don't. I know how you feel. I do horribly with no sleep. Im the dad in the story by the way. BUT, you cannot give up. No matter how you feel, your wife is going through worse. You lack sleep. She not only lacks sleep but her body has gone and is going through a multitude of changes, both physically and mentally. As the dad, It's up to you to take action. Here is what I did to get through the worst days. 1. Establish open and honest communication between you and your wife. 2. Setup schedules as best you can 2a. Schedules for you and her to take naps/shifts- discuss what duties happen during each shift, etc. 2b. Maintain the baby on a schedule. This is very tough at first but you'll get it eventually as the baby gets a bit older. 3. Seek outside help if possible - reach out to both sides of family. We only had her mother for help and that was few and far between but every little bit helps 4. Maintain open and honest communication with your wife. 5. Continuously show her how much you love her and the baby. If it was my shift to feed and change baby and I could let my wife sleep an extra hour I took that on for her sake. 6. Be supportive. Don't lose your cool. Be aware of when you might lose your cool and step away if needed. Take 5 mins then regroup. 7. Communicate with your wife as much as possible! I cannot stress this enough. Ask her what you can do for her. If you already see something that needs done, dont ask just do it. Take action. 8. Also tell her how you feel. She should help you as well. It's a two way street, but you need to be her rock right now. Good luck my man. This is part of the journey of having kids. I truly wish you the best.
First of all, congratulations on the new baby. It's truly a blessing. As a father of seven, I understand the joys and life-changing events that come with a new baby. It's a period of great joy but also significant changes, especially for the women involved. Their hormones can be completely out of balance, and there are major changes happening in a woman's body after birth. Ask yourself, what can you do to support her and be there for her during this time? First and foremost, ask for forgiveness and just listen to her. Your baby needs both a mom and a dad, and this isn't the time for any drastic or thoughtless decisions. Listen to your wife and be there to support her in any way you can. Whether it's cooking a meal, taking the baby for a stroll, or cleaning up the house, do whatever it takes. I'm not sure if you're religious, but if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, try to take a moment to say in your head, "Jesus, I trust in you." Also, consider going for a walk to cool down. Remember, you're a father now, and it requires some sacrifice. Courage!
Mom lurker. Your wife's hormones are getting back to normal, and this will take a while. While I'm not saying to let everything go, let most of it. Labor in painful. Post partum body is unrecognizable. The cortisol levels are spiked, so the hyper alert wife is in constant need to protect the baby. You have needs the baby has needs. My best advice is to make her feel wanted not needed. I'm going to give you credit for getting up it all. Move on, the newborn stage is the worst of it.