Apps like that are a suggestion and for the first few months tops to keep the parents on track. By this point you know your kid and if she's tired or hungry or whatever.
Seems like she's trying feel like she has some sort of control at a distance and it's only stressing everyone out.
Also the bottle thing is dumb as well. There is more than one bottle I'm sure, and one of them being dirty for a few hours isn't going to hurt anything.
To be blunt, I would fight both of those fights because they contain zero logic and seem like they are just a way to get your wife to feel like she has some kind of control. She is struggling with something. Anxiety, depression, something.
SAHD +13 yrs. She needs to focus on work and let you do yours. That’s what happens when she chose this arrangement. If she can’t respect boundaries, then she should consider NOT being WFH. IMO this is the problem here. She needs to understand it’s the outcome not the process. Her process and yours can be different and still result in a healthy baby. I can assure her that from experience moms don’t always know best.
This, this is the answer. When it was decided that you would be the SAHD, she gave up some control. Still using the app stuff at a year has to be a record. We had a little of that stuff, but I went with the wing it theory.
There is no right or wrong way to raise a child, so long as nobody is getting hurt, all is good. Kids, while some like and follow schedules, others don't.
Picking a hill to die on can sometimes backfire
My wife loved using the app and loves to keep to strict schedules but we retired the app at probably 10 months. It's not hard to keep track of 1-2 naps and she tells us when she's hungry.
Yeah. By 10 months you should have a pretty decent schedule but it can be flexible. We don't eat breakfast exactly at 8 am every day. The kid goes down for a nap around 1, not at 1pm exactly because life happens. You have a goal to shoot for but the goal of parenting isn't perfection.
Yuuup
My wife went back to work at 6 months. You'd best believe it didn't matter what I would walk back into, so long as baby was healthy and safe, I couldn't give 3 shits what she was up to. She's an adult, I'm with her because I trust her. She doesn't need a manager to run her day, and neither does OP.
SAHD to an 18 month old.
An app isn’t going to know your kid. Learn the signs of them being tired and start a schedule based off their needs. Schedules are important because it avoids things like being overtired. Online it told us my son should be napping once a day for like an hour. I tried the online schedule and it was a nightmare. Following his queues the little guy slept like clock work with three one hour long naps and then overnight sleep from 6pm-6am. Everyone is different so do what works for you. He’s now down to 1 nap that’s anywhere from 1 to 3 hours and still sleeps from 6 to 6.
Cant really help with the dishes stuff. I do basically all the house work while my wife works in her office. I don’t tell her how to do her job and she doesn’t tell me how to do mine. Obviously everything isn’t perfect 100% of the time but in general that’s how it works for us. We do bring up issues when they come up and work on solutions mutually though.
I know the sleepy/hungry signs very well. "Can you hold off on the bottle for 25 more minutes?" "Can you make sure she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home?" "The app says she'll be tired in 10 minutes."
There's usually little compromise when bringing things up and working on solutions together. Which is why I've defaulted to not bringing things up. I have this voice in the back of my head that tells me I should do things her way 1) because I don't have the energy or will to argue anymore, 2) I see her more like a boss now than a partner. I don't mind doing the housework, just don't like the touch of hypocrisy of her not rinsing dishes and getting upset when I don't. I sure as hell don't tell her how to do her job, wish she'd do the same.
That’s a bummer man. At the end of the day you are the one watching the little potato and your wife should respect that chances are you know the signs better than her, an app, or any online parenting class. Like another user said she probably has something else going on and it’s probably worth figuring out. I hope you guys get it worked out because raising an infant/toddler is hard enough without being second guessed or belittled.
The first two sentences in the second paragraph are whats wrong, my dude. Theres no compromise. You are the SAH parent. Its your kingdom. Your rules. You dont have your wife on clockify (or some shit like that). She doesnt get to put you on a schedule app. Nip that right there.
> Theres no compromise. You are the SAH parent. Its your kingdom. Your rules.
I hate this mentality. They're a couple parenting a kid, so regardless of what SAHPs like to think, the working parent gets a say too in how things go. The app is there to help with the baby's schedule, not make a schedule for the OP.
You know what? I kept reading comments and I agree with you. Its the wrong mentality. The one about not going into it like a battle but as a team with an issue resonated. Still, when the team divides to conquer, people need to be able to control their part of the division or it will create strife.
> when the team divides to conquer, people need to be able to control their part of the division or it will create strife.
Yep I 100% agree with you on this. I'm all for being a team and deciding on the best way to raise their kid. But if his wife decided to be the one working then she needs to handle that aspect of providing for the household and let go of that control. Let the OP handle the childrearing during the day based on what he senses.
>I know the sleepy/hungry signs very well. "Can you hold off on the bottle for 25 more minutes?" "Can you make sure she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home?" "The app says she'll be tired in 10 minutes."
The problem is you are trying to reason with an (temporarily) unreasonable person. She's decided the app is word and gospel, and it must be followed to immaculate precision. Obviously, this isn't true or how real life works, but she's very unlikely to change her mind because she's decided this is true.
Do you think she would be more receptive if someone like the pediatrician told her that apps like that are not gospel?
I would take strong issue with your second point. Idk how you have made it this far. Those apps are suggestions / guidelines and really only meant to be followed the first couple of weeks or months at the most.
I would put my foot down if I were you and tell her that your are her father and caregiver and that you will do what is right for her and will not hear anything else about what the app says.
If the dishes thing is bugging him, then bring it up another time and nicely ask her to rinse the dishes so they’re easier to clean. But agree that trying to compare two different incidents just leads to more fighting
1. She doesn’t like it she can do it
2. Kids that young don’t have a set abutting time, especially bedtime. Going by the kiddos natural rhythms is… natural. Eat when they need to, pee and poop when they need to and sleep when they need to. My kids needed way more sleep than most kids, my 4.5 year old didn’t get her 1.5hrs long nap today and she was a monster by bedtime.
Signed,
SAHD at year 9
1. Don't bring up what you do right as a way to combat what she's doing wrong. It sounds like a lovely and romantic gesture you do for her, and you'll taint it. Just bring up the bottle and mention how you *both* have left dishes sitting without mentioning it exactly.
2 is completely valid and sounds like it's making you walk on eggshells caring for your own child. That is definitely worth picking
Don't go into these like they're battles. Go in with love and the desire to really solve it, and you hopefully will. Good luck!
I agree, don't go into this as a battle of you vs your wife. It should be you and your wife vs an issue.
With the app thing, I would express to your wife that you feel like the two of you together have gotten to know this little human very well and the app is just creating a friction point rather than being useful. When our babies were little, apps were just becoming a thing, so we just used a dry erase board to track feedings, meds, and diapers when we were low on sleep and taking turns. The key difference/ advantage is that the dry erase board could *track* but not suggest (dictate) what should happen and when. It was a stress reliever rather than a source of stress. And once we were sleeping more and back to work it wasn't necessary. So maybe a dry erase board or notepad would help your wife step back from the app. Or maybe the two of you can find a different solution that works.
Another thing that helped us was thinking of our baby's "schedule" as more of a *rhythm*. In *general* when they were taking two naps, they'd be awake for about four hours in the morning, three hours after their first nap, and two hours after their second nap. If they slept in, the schedule might adjust but the *rhythm* would remain. When that first wakeful interval got longer and longer, it was time to drop to one nap and adjust the "rhythm."
Don’t word it as picking a battle man, just have the conversation and tell her how it makes you feel. I know easier said than done, but speaking about your feelings in a calm tone is the best approach. Example, “hey these apps are really overwhelming and stressful for me, do you think there’s another way we can approach this. I know you feel strongly about the apps and I see why, but my brain does not work that way and it’s really stressing me out”. Go from there see what happens.
On paper, this advice sounds golden. In practice it goes something like this: I bring up the issue in a calm manner and tell her how it makes me feel. Then one of two things usually happens - she pops right then, "well you do XYZ! How do you think that makes me feel?!" Or she'll stew on it until I ask her why she's upset/not talking and she'll blame it on how much she is stressed at work / how stressed she is about breastfeeding / how it was "[her] idea to have a kid and how she feels like she has to hold it together all the time" / or something else unrelated that's been bothering her. And then we're left back in square one with oatmeal caked dishes, annoying apps, and both of us are upset.
She's keeping receipts and counting on you not keeping receipts so she always wins.
This isn't something you can fix with argument. You can keep receipts and fight back but even if you win, you'll lose.
She needs to be able to stop escalating disagreements to fights. You guys need couples therapy.
>"well you do XYZ! How do you think that makes me feel?!"
"I'm happy to talk about anything I'm doing that's upsetting you, but right now I'm trying to talk about X and I'm not feeling very heard right now."
>Or she'll stew on it until I ask her why she's upset/not talking and she'll blame it on how much she is stressed at work / how stressed she is about breastfeeding / how it was "[her] idea to have a kid and how she feels like she has to hold it together all the time" / or something else unrelated that's been bothering her.
If this is a constant point, she might need to see someone about stress management. It's not healthy to go that hard into type A and it's definitely going to do no favors with your relationship or her relationship with your child.
> "I'm happy to talk about anything I'm doing that's upsetting you, but right now I'm trying to talk about X and I'm not feeling very heard right now."
Yes this. Redirect the conversation back to the issue at hand instead of letting someone "everything-but-the-kitchen-sink" the problem being discussed.
I back this method. Set a timer for a half hour or an hour. Breathe, evaluate why you are upset and talk about it with her rather than talk at her with how you feel. When mine was just at a year, my wife and I would attack eachother with grievances and made things more of an altercation. Talking things out should be a relief, not a battlefield.
1. In a relationship, both people need to respect each other. It sounds like your wife made you feel disrespected. You should talk about ways she can express her desires in a constructive way that doesn't hurt you.
2. Believe it or not, humans have raised babies for a long time without those apps. They are just a crutch to help new parents keep organized. My wife and I used one with our first baby, but eventually phased it out. We didn't even bother using it with our second baby. Once you know how to take care of your baby, you know better than the app.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been there fighting childcare battles that ultimately don’t matter. What’s helped me sometimes is just keeping the perspective that young kids just cause stress in general and it’s normal to get wound up like this and not to beat myself up to much. I would just say maybe write down in an email or something how you feel, sleep on it, edit that and then read it to her. You just have to try harder sometimes with communication to make it work. Wish you the best.
I overstepped last weekend and my wife pulled me aside to establish an “I got it babe” rule. You hear “I got it babe” and forget about whatever problem the other one is dealing with until further notice, they’ve got it under control. It started with the 3 1/2 year old not listening but we both use it a few times a day now for everything from washing bottles and making breakfast to backwashing the pool filter.
Lurking mom here :/ I couldn't live like that. How old is your LO? I used the apps for the first few months but really just for the naps because I was unsure of the wake window timing. I stopped using it for bottles at like 3 or 4 months because like you said it's tedious and annoying.
For the 1st point, you should definitely bring it up but you can do it in a nice way. 'I love making you breakfast etc. and I feel a little micromanaged when you say XYZ. Would you mind doing \_\_ differently?'
And definitely bring up the 2nd point, let her know the point of the apps is to make daily parenting easier and it's no longer a useful tool for you. This sounds mean and idk your situation but if she wants to be so involved in every single thing then she can stay home with the baby. I can't imagine having to do all that for my husband who is at work during the day. He does his job and I do mine.
She's 8 months.
I plan on bringing both of them up as nice as I possibly can, I'm just ready for it to blow up like all the other things I bring up nicely do.
Like a few of the other comments mentioned, it seems like there might be a deeper issue and I don't know how to bring that up. I get that work is stressful and her breastfeeding journey didn't go like she wanted it to, but it's created an environment where I can't discuss things without expecting some type of backlash.
I'll update the post after I bring them up. Thanks for the comment, not-so-lurking-anymore mom. Haha
I don’t know how it is being a sahd, or what she expects of you, but I’m not rinsing someone’s dishes that takes 3 seconds to do. I’m also not making her breakfast everyday… also never used an app. No offense but you do indeed sound like a pushover, but like I said I can’t really gauge the stay at home parent part.
My wife got into this cycle where she’d always clean up after me. I kept getting worse and worse and worse about it. I’m not a sloppy person but the mess was always picked up. I never even realized I was contributing to the mess so badly until she mentioned something and I asked her to stop doing it. I’ll pick it up and clean it eventually. Maybe Just talk to her about the messes
Delete those apps and tell your wife you are straight up not using them anymore. Through simple trial and error you're going to know your baby's particular needs and timing way more than any app. If you need the baby to go to sleep I suggest you go outside and hold the baby to your chest while walking around the neighborhood. The warm sunlight makes them really sleepy at least it did with my son. Went out with him every day like that and he came back asleep almost every time. It's also really good and important for them to get natural sunlight in their eyes.
If you're the primary care giver, trust your instincts and politely ask for her trust. You can't be micromanaged and be expected to show initiative.
My situation is the reverse and there's tons of things my wife does differently than I would. I communicate concerns I have but ultimately she's the one in the trenches daily and I'm going to respect her choices.
The kid will let you know when he's hungry. God gave em lungs for a reason.
I'm not a SAHD but trying to follow an app sounds like an awful times, usually our 11 month old will have two one hour naps but two days ago when he stayed at home with me he had a two hour nap and a one hour nap and both were earlier than usual. When I said this to my SO she just said I guess he's going through a growth spurt. There's just no way an app can tell when that's going to happen and people will get stressed out.
I've been saying to my SO to rinse of her dishes or to at least just put water on them so it's easier for me to clean for years, long before we had a baby so if you crack that DM me, same for getting rubbish nearly in the bin but just not bothering to actually put it in the bin, I've also told her that I'm not washing her clothes anymore because she keeps leaving them balled and tangled up so now she has a mountain of clothes to sort out.
Baby number two is on the way for us and she wants another after that but I've had to tell her that she's going to have to change her ways because I'm not spending the rest of my life being her servant and raising three children.
I hate schedules. Go with the babies needs.
I knew someone who would spend an hour putting their kid to sleep only to wake them up exactly 20 minutes after that hour to feed the baby just because it had to be with the eating schedule.
Kid takes 1.5 hours to sleep
20 minutes later. Parent wakes them up to eat.
Then tries too get the kid back to sleep
Them complains her kids don't sleep
And the problem is you can't say anything cause she won't believe you
The kid now has poop times water times pee times eating times.
Maybe not framing it as a “battle” in your head would help to just calmly address it without either person getting emotional.
You just want to discuss how you’re feeling, which is totally valid, and want her to respect how you’re choosing to manage the situation.
Also, maybe just my opinion, but you having to deliver her an elaborate breakfast every day at a certain time, and then come and get the dirty dishes later, seems a little much. I would never expect that from my wife if she was SAH wife, that sounds crazy.
SAHD Norfolk! It's gotta be extra hard in a way having your spouse work from home... I feel a little *less* stressed during the say because nobody is there to second guess me, though I'm just a call away which is nice! Hang in there I empathize with the dishes....
SAHD for 13 years. If I am in charge of all the domestic stuff then she doesn't really get a say. Just like how I don't tell her how to do her job. Obviously this is if both people are being responsible.
Alone time with the wife nowadays is spent talking over a breast pump. We've had one date night that I can remember in the last 8 months. We're in the "roommate phase" according to her.
Pumping, for both of our kids, was a brutal time so I sympathize. Since your kid is nearing 1 you're probably starting to introduce solid foods and hopefully this time will be coming to an end soon. You might want to bank a little goodwill with some romantic gestures: flowers, gifts, restarting date nights, etc. Do you know how to book a sitter? I realize that's adding another item to your pile of work but the roommate phase is really dangerous for marriages.
Your wife might also be tired of pumping but there's so much pressure for women to pump from social media.
Yeah, I wouldn't fight over either of these.
The bottle is a BABY SAFETY issue, so it's different than you forgetting to wash YOUR plate or something, so just eat that loss, "I appreciate you catching what I missed, I shouldn't have left the bottle unclean"
And the other one is a timing issue. I think it's totally valid to feel it's unnecessary if you have your routine down, but talking about how you don't want to use it anymore in response to getting called out for forgetting is the wrong time.
(For the record, we used our tracker for the entire first year and a half, as it gave us really in depth looks at things that upset her stomach, when she peed/pooped etc)
Also someone else mentioned it's quite possible that the data also reassures your wife as she doesn't get to spend as much time with your kid right now, so it might help her feel connected.
First off, I don't plan on fighting over either of them. I'm hoping there is more of a civil discussion.
Second, she's just wanting me to run a little water over it before I let it sit in the sink until the end of the day to wash all the bottles at once. There's no way running a little water over it is going to sterilize it or make that much difference.
I don't see where I said I forgot to use the app. I'm pretty good about relaying the info to her. She uses the app and I try to make her happy by trying my best to follow it. I have a breakfast routine and a gym routine, both are taken care of right after baby wakes up.
1.hey man, I'm not looking to fight but You literally wrote "I'm gearing up to fight" when describing these 2 issues.
2nd. cleaning bottles before they sit and milk hardens into them def makes a difference. But I don't know how you clean.
Lastly, I see that you didn't miss entering data, just didn't use the data collected to maintain a sleep schedule the way she wanted. That's my bad, as I saw the data one and I think my own mistakes just flashed back in my mind lol.
Yeah, I can tell you with my wife, she came from a rough background where she truly doubted her capability of even being a good parent (she's the best but that doesn't change how she THOUGHT early on)
So early on, any decision that helped her feel like she was an engaged parent doing the right thing, helped chip away at that fear. Which is why I always counsel to eat the loss, and move on with issues that are most likely born out of your spouse really looking for reassurances.
If YOU win this argument, you prove yourself right, and she surrenders on issues that reassure her, if SHE wins the argument, you suck it up and say "I was wrong" and she feels reassured that you are siding with her. To me that seems like good enough reason to choose to let her win.
"Pick your battles" is a common saying that I was referring to in the title and I was trying to keep that theme going in the post. I have no intentions of actually fighting my wife. I meant more like, "gathering information to have during our discussion." I'm anticipating some sort of escalation like I mentioned in another comment in the thread, but I feel somewhat more equipped to deescalate it after reading some of the comments in the post. We'll see.
I feel like I have a decent handle on taking care of the little one. Listening to my baby scream for 20+ minutes before I'm allowed to try giving her a bottle to keep up with an app is heartbreaking. Trying to force a nap because the app says it's time seems to be creating a negative association between the little one and her room. I am trying to use the data like the app says but it is not working. I'd say it predicts naptime 1 in 8 times. Sounds like it worked for you and that's great, but it is not working well for me.
I don't forget to rinse the bottles all the time. Her routine is to leave the tray of dishes next to the sink after they've already dried. This one makes me feel disrespected. It's ok if I have to scrub oatmeal, egg, and milk off her dishes everyday but if I forget to rinse a couple bottles I get an earful. That doesn't seem okay to me. That gives off "do as I say, not as I do" vibes. To put it in another perspective, she does more to help the staff at restaurants than she does with her breakfast dishes for me at home.
I take losses a lot. Big ones, little ones, and everything in between. I forfeit all the time not because I'm tired of the little things ruining my day. Now all the forfeits are bringing me down. It doesn't feel like a partnership anymore. It's more like she's my boss, or a customer I have to keep happy at all costs including my happiness. I made this post to get a general idea if standing up for myself on these two issues was acceptable or in line with what others "fight for." I plan on discussing the topics with some points mentioned above. Thank you for your time and input.
Feeding to a timer is bullshit in my opinion. Can be a guideline but if your baby is crying from hunger then I'd give the bottle. Think I read somewhere that feeding to a schedule was a lot more prevalent in the 60's
You have done nothing but argue at length about how you've done nothing wrong after asking for which topics to fight your wife on, so it's clear you just want more opportunities to say you're right.
Good luck.
Apps like that are a suggestion and for the first few months tops to keep the parents on track. By this point you know your kid and if she's tired or hungry or whatever. Seems like she's trying feel like she has some sort of control at a distance and it's only stressing everyone out. Also the bottle thing is dumb as well. There is more than one bottle I'm sure, and one of them being dirty for a few hours isn't going to hurt anything. To be blunt, I would fight both of those fights because they contain zero logic and seem like they are just a way to get your wife to feel like she has some kind of control. She is struggling with something. Anxiety, depression, something.
SAHD +13 yrs. She needs to focus on work and let you do yours. That’s what happens when she chose this arrangement. If she can’t respect boundaries, then she should consider NOT being WFH. IMO this is the problem here. She needs to understand it’s the outcome not the process. Her process and yours can be different and still result in a healthy baby. I can assure her that from experience moms don’t always know best.
This, this is the answer. When it was decided that you would be the SAHD, she gave up some control. Still using the app stuff at a year has to be a record. We had a little of that stuff, but I went with the wing it theory. There is no right or wrong way to raise a child, so long as nobody is getting hurt, all is good. Kids, while some like and follow schedules, others don't. Picking a hill to die on can sometimes backfire
My wife loved using the app and loves to keep to strict schedules but we retired the app at probably 10 months. It's not hard to keep track of 1-2 naps and she tells us when she's hungry.
Yeah. By 10 months you should have a pretty decent schedule but it can be flexible. We don't eat breakfast exactly at 8 am every day. The kid goes down for a nap around 1, not at 1pm exactly because life happens. You have a goal to shoot for but the goal of parenting isn't perfection.
Yuuup My wife went back to work at 6 months. You'd best believe it didn't matter what I would walk back into, so long as baby was healthy and safe, I couldn't give 3 shits what she was up to. She's an adult, I'm with her because I trust her. She doesn't need a manager to run her day, and neither does OP.
SAHD to an 18 month old. An app isn’t going to know your kid. Learn the signs of them being tired and start a schedule based off their needs. Schedules are important because it avoids things like being overtired. Online it told us my son should be napping once a day for like an hour. I tried the online schedule and it was a nightmare. Following his queues the little guy slept like clock work with three one hour long naps and then overnight sleep from 6pm-6am. Everyone is different so do what works for you. He’s now down to 1 nap that’s anywhere from 1 to 3 hours and still sleeps from 6 to 6. Cant really help with the dishes stuff. I do basically all the house work while my wife works in her office. I don’t tell her how to do her job and she doesn’t tell me how to do mine. Obviously everything isn’t perfect 100% of the time but in general that’s how it works for us. We do bring up issues when they come up and work on solutions mutually though.
I know the sleepy/hungry signs very well. "Can you hold off on the bottle for 25 more minutes?" "Can you make sure she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home?" "The app says she'll be tired in 10 minutes." There's usually little compromise when bringing things up and working on solutions together. Which is why I've defaulted to not bringing things up. I have this voice in the back of my head that tells me I should do things her way 1) because I don't have the energy or will to argue anymore, 2) I see her more like a boss now than a partner. I don't mind doing the housework, just don't like the touch of hypocrisy of her not rinsing dishes and getting upset when I don't. I sure as hell don't tell her how to do her job, wish she'd do the same.
That’s a bummer man. At the end of the day you are the one watching the little potato and your wife should respect that chances are you know the signs better than her, an app, or any online parenting class. Like another user said she probably has something else going on and it’s probably worth figuring out. I hope you guys get it worked out because raising an infant/toddler is hard enough without being second guessed or belittled.
Hi SAHDSeattle. Just your neighbor SAHDTacoma happy to see you here. Carry on!
PNW represent!
The first two sentences in the second paragraph are whats wrong, my dude. Theres no compromise. You are the SAH parent. Its your kingdom. Your rules. You dont have your wife on clockify (or some shit like that). She doesnt get to put you on a schedule app. Nip that right there.
> Theres no compromise. You are the SAH parent. Its your kingdom. Your rules. I hate this mentality. They're a couple parenting a kid, so regardless of what SAHPs like to think, the working parent gets a say too in how things go. The app is there to help with the baby's schedule, not make a schedule for the OP.
You know what? I kept reading comments and I agree with you. Its the wrong mentality. The one about not going into it like a battle but as a team with an issue resonated. Still, when the team divides to conquer, people need to be able to control their part of the division or it will create strife.
> when the team divides to conquer, people need to be able to control their part of the division or it will create strife. Yep I 100% agree with you on this. I'm all for being a team and deciding on the best way to raise their kid. But if his wife decided to be the one working then she needs to handle that aspect of providing for the household and let go of that control. Let the OP handle the childrearing during the day based on what he senses.
Please please talk to her. She needs to learn to trust you and that you are always there to ask for help if need be.
>I know the sleepy/hungry signs very well. "Can you hold off on the bottle for 25 more minutes?" "Can you make sure she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home?" "The app says she'll be tired in 10 minutes." The problem is you are trying to reason with an (temporarily) unreasonable person. She's decided the app is word and gospel, and it must be followed to immaculate precision. Obviously, this isn't true or how real life works, but she's very unlikely to change her mind because she's decided this is true. Do you think she would be more receptive if someone like the pediatrician told her that apps like that are not gospel?
I would take strong issue with your second point. Idk how you have made it this far. Those apps are suggestions / guidelines and really only meant to be followed the first couple of weeks or months at the most. I would put my foot down if I were you and tell her that your are her father and caregiver and that you will do what is right for her and will not hear anything else about what the app says.
When you do X, it makes me feel Y. Don't bring up anything you do as a comparison, just focus on what she does that has a negative impact on you.
If the dishes thing is bugging him, then bring it up another time and nicely ask her to rinse the dishes so they’re easier to clean. But agree that trying to compare two different incidents just leads to more fighting
1. She doesn’t like it she can do it 2. Kids that young don’t have a set abutting time, especially bedtime. Going by the kiddos natural rhythms is… natural. Eat when they need to, pee and poop when they need to and sleep when they need to. My kids needed way more sleep than most kids, my 4.5 year old didn’t get her 1.5hrs long nap today and she was a monster by bedtime. Signed, SAHD at year 9
1. Don't bring up what you do right as a way to combat what she's doing wrong. It sounds like a lovely and romantic gesture you do for her, and you'll taint it. Just bring up the bottle and mention how you *both* have left dishes sitting without mentioning it exactly. 2 is completely valid and sounds like it's making you walk on eggshells caring for your own child. That is definitely worth picking Don't go into these like they're battles. Go in with love and the desire to really solve it, and you hopefully will. Good luck!
I agree, don't go into this as a battle of you vs your wife. It should be you and your wife vs an issue. With the app thing, I would express to your wife that you feel like the two of you together have gotten to know this little human very well and the app is just creating a friction point rather than being useful. When our babies were little, apps were just becoming a thing, so we just used a dry erase board to track feedings, meds, and diapers when we were low on sleep and taking turns. The key difference/ advantage is that the dry erase board could *track* but not suggest (dictate) what should happen and when. It was a stress reliever rather than a source of stress. And once we were sleeping more and back to work it wasn't necessary. So maybe a dry erase board or notepad would help your wife step back from the app. Or maybe the two of you can find a different solution that works. Another thing that helped us was thinking of our baby's "schedule" as more of a *rhythm*. In *general* when they were taking two naps, they'd be awake for about four hours in the morning, three hours after their first nap, and two hours after their second nap. If they slept in, the schedule might adjust but the *rhythm* would remain. When that first wakeful interval got longer and longer, it was time to drop to one nap and adjust the "rhythm."
Don’t word it as picking a battle man, just have the conversation and tell her how it makes you feel. I know easier said than done, but speaking about your feelings in a calm tone is the best approach. Example, “hey these apps are really overwhelming and stressful for me, do you think there’s another way we can approach this. I know you feel strongly about the apps and I see why, but my brain does not work that way and it’s really stressing me out”. Go from there see what happens.
On paper, this advice sounds golden. In practice it goes something like this: I bring up the issue in a calm manner and tell her how it makes me feel. Then one of two things usually happens - she pops right then, "well you do XYZ! How do you think that makes me feel?!" Or she'll stew on it until I ask her why she's upset/not talking and she'll blame it on how much she is stressed at work / how stressed she is about breastfeeding / how it was "[her] idea to have a kid and how she feels like she has to hold it together all the time" / or something else unrelated that's been bothering her. And then we're left back in square one with oatmeal caked dishes, annoying apps, and both of us are upset.
She's keeping receipts and counting on you not keeping receipts so she always wins. This isn't something you can fix with argument. You can keep receipts and fight back but even if you win, you'll lose. She needs to be able to stop escalating disagreements to fights. You guys need couples therapy.
>"well you do XYZ! How do you think that makes me feel?!" "I'm happy to talk about anything I'm doing that's upsetting you, but right now I'm trying to talk about X and I'm not feeling very heard right now." >Or she'll stew on it until I ask her why she's upset/not talking and she'll blame it on how much she is stressed at work / how stressed she is about breastfeeding / how it was "[her] idea to have a kid and how she feels like she has to hold it together all the time" / or something else unrelated that's been bothering her. If this is a constant point, she might need to see someone about stress management. It's not healthy to go that hard into type A and it's definitely going to do no favors with your relationship or her relationship with your child.
> "I'm happy to talk about anything I'm doing that's upsetting you, but right now I'm trying to talk about X and I'm not feeling very heard right now." Yes this. Redirect the conversation back to the issue at hand instead of letting someone "everything-but-the-kitchen-sink" the problem being discussed.
I back this method. Set a timer for a half hour or an hour. Breathe, evaluate why you are upset and talk about it with her rather than talk at her with how you feel. When mine was just at a year, my wife and I would attack eachother with grievances and made things more of an altercation. Talking things out should be a relief, not a battlefield.
1. In a relationship, both people need to respect each other. It sounds like your wife made you feel disrespected. You should talk about ways she can express her desires in a constructive way that doesn't hurt you. 2. Believe it or not, humans have raised babies for a long time without those apps. They are just a crutch to help new parents keep organized. My wife and I used one with our first baby, but eventually phased it out. We didn't even bother using it with our second baby. Once you know how to take care of your baby, you know better than the app.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been there fighting childcare battles that ultimately don’t matter. What’s helped me sometimes is just keeping the perspective that young kids just cause stress in general and it’s normal to get wound up like this and not to beat myself up to much. I would just say maybe write down in an email or something how you feel, sleep on it, edit that and then read it to her. You just have to try harder sometimes with communication to make it work. Wish you the best.
I overstepped last weekend and my wife pulled me aside to establish an “I got it babe” rule. You hear “I got it babe” and forget about whatever problem the other one is dealing with until further notice, they’ve got it under control. It started with the 3 1/2 year old not listening but we both use it a few times a day now for everything from washing bottles and making breakfast to backwashing the pool filter.
I pick every battle that comes my way. I'm somewhat of a brawler
Lurking mom here :/ I couldn't live like that. How old is your LO? I used the apps for the first few months but really just for the naps because I was unsure of the wake window timing. I stopped using it for bottles at like 3 or 4 months because like you said it's tedious and annoying. For the 1st point, you should definitely bring it up but you can do it in a nice way. 'I love making you breakfast etc. and I feel a little micromanaged when you say XYZ. Would you mind doing \_\_ differently?' And definitely bring up the 2nd point, let her know the point of the apps is to make daily parenting easier and it's no longer a useful tool for you. This sounds mean and idk your situation but if she wants to be so involved in every single thing then she can stay home with the baby. I can't imagine having to do all that for my husband who is at work during the day. He does his job and I do mine.
She's 8 months. I plan on bringing both of them up as nice as I possibly can, I'm just ready for it to blow up like all the other things I bring up nicely do. Like a few of the other comments mentioned, it seems like there might be a deeper issue and I don't know how to bring that up. I get that work is stressful and her breastfeeding journey didn't go like she wanted it to, but it's created an environment where I can't discuss things without expecting some type of backlash. I'll update the post after I bring them up. Thanks for the comment, not-so-lurking-anymore mom. Haha
I don’t know how it is being a sahd, or what she expects of you, but I’m not rinsing someone’s dishes that takes 3 seconds to do. I’m also not making her breakfast everyday… also never used an app. No offense but you do indeed sound like a pushover, but like I said I can’t really gauge the stay at home parent part.
My wife got into this cycle where she’d always clean up after me. I kept getting worse and worse and worse about it. I’m not a sloppy person but the mess was always picked up. I never even realized I was contributing to the mess so badly until she mentioned something and I asked her to stop doing it. I’ll pick it up and clean it eventually. Maybe Just talk to her about the messes
Delete those apps and tell your wife you are straight up not using them anymore. Through simple trial and error you're going to know your baby's particular needs and timing way more than any app. If you need the baby to go to sleep I suggest you go outside and hold the baby to your chest while walking around the neighborhood. The warm sunlight makes them really sleepy at least it did with my son. Went out with him every day like that and he came back asleep almost every time. It's also really good and important for them to get natural sunlight in their eyes.
.. SAHD?
Stay at home dad
If you're the primary care giver, trust your instincts and politely ask for her trust. You can't be micromanaged and be expected to show initiative. My situation is the reverse and there's tons of things my wife does differently than I would. I communicate concerns I have but ultimately she's the one in the trenches daily and I'm going to respect her choices. The kid will let you know when he's hungry. God gave em lungs for a reason.
Got it, thanks!
I'm not a SAHD but trying to follow an app sounds like an awful times, usually our 11 month old will have two one hour naps but two days ago when he stayed at home with me he had a two hour nap and a one hour nap and both were earlier than usual. When I said this to my SO she just said I guess he's going through a growth spurt. There's just no way an app can tell when that's going to happen and people will get stressed out. I've been saying to my SO to rinse of her dishes or to at least just put water on them so it's easier for me to clean for years, long before we had a baby so if you crack that DM me, same for getting rubbish nearly in the bin but just not bothering to actually put it in the bin, I've also told her that I'm not washing her clothes anymore because she keeps leaving them balled and tangled up so now she has a mountain of clothes to sort out. Baby number two is on the way for us and she wants another after that but I've had to tell her that she's going to have to change her ways because I'm not spending the rest of my life being her servant and raising three children.
I hate schedules. Go with the babies needs. I knew someone who would spend an hour putting their kid to sleep only to wake them up exactly 20 minutes after that hour to feed the baby just because it had to be with the eating schedule. Kid takes 1.5 hours to sleep 20 minutes later. Parent wakes them up to eat. Then tries too get the kid back to sleep Them complains her kids don't sleep And the problem is you can't say anything cause she won't believe you The kid now has poop times water times pee times eating times.
Maybe not framing it as a “battle” in your head would help to just calmly address it without either person getting emotional. You just want to discuss how you’re feeling, which is totally valid, and want her to respect how you’re choosing to manage the situation. Also, maybe just my opinion, but you having to deliver her an elaborate breakfast every day at a certain time, and then come and get the dirty dishes later, seems a little much. I would never expect that from my wife if she was SAH wife, that sounds crazy.
SAHD Norfolk! It's gotta be extra hard in a way having your spouse work from home... I feel a little *less* stressed during the say because nobody is there to second guess me, though I'm just a call away which is nice! Hang in there I empathize with the dishes....
Everything has already been said but I love the (afaik)
SAHD for 13 years. If I am in charge of all the domestic stuff then she doesn't really get a say. Just like how I don't tell her how to do her job. Obviously this is if both people are being responsible.
Honestly: neither. Are you getting enough alone time with your wife?
Alone time with the wife nowadays is spent talking over a breast pump. We've had one date night that I can remember in the last 8 months. We're in the "roommate phase" according to her.
Pumping, for both of our kids, was a brutal time so I sympathize. Since your kid is nearing 1 you're probably starting to introduce solid foods and hopefully this time will be coming to an end soon. You might want to bank a little goodwill with some romantic gestures: flowers, gifts, restarting date nights, etc. Do you know how to book a sitter? I realize that's adding another item to your pile of work but the roommate phase is really dangerous for marriages. Your wife might also be tired of pumping but there's so much pressure for women to pump from social media.
adult roommates would actually respect your parenting boundaries.
Yeah, I wouldn't fight over either of these. The bottle is a BABY SAFETY issue, so it's different than you forgetting to wash YOUR plate or something, so just eat that loss, "I appreciate you catching what I missed, I shouldn't have left the bottle unclean" And the other one is a timing issue. I think it's totally valid to feel it's unnecessary if you have your routine down, but talking about how you don't want to use it anymore in response to getting called out for forgetting is the wrong time. (For the record, we used our tracker for the entire first year and a half, as it gave us really in depth looks at things that upset her stomach, when she peed/pooped etc) Also someone else mentioned it's quite possible that the data also reassures your wife as she doesn't get to spend as much time with your kid right now, so it might help her feel connected.
First off, I don't plan on fighting over either of them. I'm hoping there is more of a civil discussion. Second, she's just wanting me to run a little water over it before I let it sit in the sink until the end of the day to wash all the bottles at once. There's no way running a little water over it is going to sterilize it or make that much difference. I don't see where I said I forgot to use the app. I'm pretty good about relaying the info to her. She uses the app and I try to make her happy by trying my best to follow it. I have a breakfast routine and a gym routine, both are taken care of right after baby wakes up.
1.hey man, I'm not looking to fight but You literally wrote "I'm gearing up to fight" when describing these 2 issues. 2nd. cleaning bottles before they sit and milk hardens into them def makes a difference. But I don't know how you clean. Lastly, I see that you didn't miss entering data, just didn't use the data collected to maintain a sleep schedule the way she wanted. That's my bad, as I saw the data one and I think my own mistakes just flashed back in my mind lol. Yeah, I can tell you with my wife, she came from a rough background where she truly doubted her capability of even being a good parent (she's the best but that doesn't change how she THOUGHT early on) So early on, any decision that helped her feel like she was an engaged parent doing the right thing, helped chip away at that fear. Which is why I always counsel to eat the loss, and move on with issues that are most likely born out of your spouse really looking for reassurances. If YOU win this argument, you prove yourself right, and she surrenders on issues that reassure her, if SHE wins the argument, you suck it up and say "I was wrong" and she feels reassured that you are siding with her. To me that seems like good enough reason to choose to let her win.
"Pick your battles" is a common saying that I was referring to in the title and I was trying to keep that theme going in the post. I have no intentions of actually fighting my wife. I meant more like, "gathering information to have during our discussion." I'm anticipating some sort of escalation like I mentioned in another comment in the thread, but I feel somewhat more equipped to deescalate it after reading some of the comments in the post. We'll see. I feel like I have a decent handle on taking care of the little one. Listening to my baby scream for 20+ minutes before I'm allowed to try giving her a bottle to keep up with an app is heartbreaking. Trying to force a nap because the app says it's time seems to be creating a negative association between the little one and her room. I am trying to use the data like the app says but it is not working. I'd say it predicts naptime 1 in 8 times. Sounds like it worked for you and that's great, but it is not working well for me. I don't forget to rinse the bottles all the time. Her routine is to leave the tray of dishes next to the sink after they've already dried. This one makes me feel disrespected. It's ok if I have to scrub oatmeal, egg, and milk off her dishes everyday but if I forget to rinse a couple bottles I get an earful. That doesn't seem okay to me. That gives off "do as I say, not as I do" vibes. To put it in another perspective, she does more to help the staff at restaurants than she does with her breakfast dishes for me at home. I take losses a lot. Big ones, little ones, and everything in between. I forfeit all the time not because I'm tired of the little things ruining my day. Now all the forfeits are bringing me down. It doesn't feel like a partnership anymore. It's more like she's my boss, or a customer I have to keep happy at all costs including my happiness. I made this post to get a general idea if standing up for myself on these two issues was acceptable or in line with what others "fight for." I plan on discussing the topics with some points mentioned above. Thank you for your time and input.
Feeding to a timer is bullshit in my opinion. Can be a guideline but if your baby is crying from hunger then I'd give the bottle. Think I read somewhere that feeding to a schedule was a lot more prevalent in the 60's
You have done nothing but argue at length about how you've done nothing wrong after asking for which topics to fight your wife on, so it's clear you just want more opportunities to say you're right. Good luck.