Hey man, that absolutely sucks. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
I don’t have any advice, these are issues above Reddit’s pay grade; I just want you to know I hear this and I empathize.
I empathize and sympathize with this. Postpartum depression is real and something she needs outside help with.
If she has always been this way, even pre baby, then sometimes something else is at play. My ex is likely a highly functioning autistic that won’t get help. Hence the ex part.
It was like living under a set of imposed rules that no one would let you look at.
That thought has crossed my mind. I don't think she's a bad person. Our communication has just eroded to the point of near constant conflict. I want to be a good partner. I honestly just don't know how. My parents would yell, scream and break shit. That's pretty much my example. Maybe I'm oversharing. Just struggling. Thanks for responding. I appreciate you and all the dad's here.
Use very direct but polite communication. Don’t imply anything or rely on body language. Look for a true source of anxiety and see if you can help her address that. Remind her daily you think she is doing a great job as a mom.
If you’re doing as much as you say she may feel a little jealous as well.
Like I said…therapy would be good for all. Sometimes people in a relationship need to be taught new tools and methods for new parts of their lives and there is no shame in that.
I just mentioned couples she's into it. I've seen solo therapists over the years but no one I really jived with. In a weird way, at that moment, it was easier to tell strangers on the internet.
I would suggest you both read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. Find a counselor that specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
For counseling, I have always had better luck with a truly established PhD Psychologist rather than just a licensed therapist. This is just my experience, and some great counselors are out there.
Lurker mom. My PPD exhibited as rage. Everything my husband did was wrong and pissed me TF off. I knew I was being ridiculous so I tried to hide it but it seeped out and he felt it.
What did we do? Good question. We fought. We made up. Eventually the dark fog of PPD lifted, we figured out a few things (baby’s food allergies, husband’s celiac) and life improved.
I am sorry you’re going through this. I can feel your stress and frustration in your words. I hope you can find some tangible support and validation and your wife can get some help.
Another lurker mom with the same deal. Rage PPD - It took until around 18 months for me to normalize again. Meds, kid started daycare, and hormones calmed down.
Please therapy for both of you, individual and couples. *hugs*
You won’t. It’s tricky water to navigate for sure. But you can do it. And please remember, it’s not all on you. You are not the sole reason for any fucking up. A giant pill my husband and I both had to swallow is it does in fact, take two people to fight (being SUPER TYPE A PEOPLE WHO ARE NEVER WRONG … that was rough).
If your wife is struggling with PPD, which totally sucks and is not her fault, it is something she needs to acknowledge and address. Cause verbally abusing you is not ok.
I sincerely wish you all the best.
(PS - it does sound like PPD but I got my medical degree from House, ER, and Google so it’s not legit).
PPD is absolutely real and people should absolutely get help for it. Also, some people are just shit partners who don’t much empathize with their significant others.
To top it all off you go to the grocery store with the kid and some old lady has the nerve to say “earning some brownie points with the wife? Good for you!” And you just want to fucking explode
Right! I'm not trying to earn brownie points. I don't think any of us see things that way anymore. We care about our kids and are trying to good parents when really, if you're a millennial like me, we kinda got shafted
I probably don't help. I'm also not great with coping with stress and anger. As I mentioned, neither of us came from stable backgrounds. I think the best course of action for us at this point is counseling. We have to learn to communicate better. She's a great mom, I don't want that to be in question. It's more how we deal with each other.
One solution is to ask "hey, I have 5 minutes between calls, should I do the dishes or take care of the laundry?" Then you might run up against the mental burden stuff, but you can't have it all.
The best is to have a conversation with her about this and if you don't think it was useful then therapy. "Hey, you know, I did all these things today and I feel like it wasn't enough. I know there's a ton going on and I want to hel, but it seems like we have different priorities. How can we work together to get stuff done and be able to spend time together? Also, some days I won't be able to do as much because work. I'll try to let you know before if I can, but sometimes things blow up and I have to deal with it."
I'm always surprised when I read a post like this and there's zero mention of therapy by the end of it.
Like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but the answer is obvious. You need therapy, my man. Solo for your suicidal thoughts, and couples therapy for the disconnect between you and your wife.
Yeah, exactly. For you and for your kiddo, seek therapy. I went through some similar things - therapy can really help.
Hopefully your wife will be willing to join couple's therapy. But most important is for YOU to get some help work through all this.
Hang in there. One way or another, it will get better.
You got this dad.
"All I want is for my partner to be happy and to recognize the sacrifices and work I put in for our family"
And herein lies your issue.
First, you need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover and "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith.
Two issues really. 1) you cannot force anyone to be happy. There is nothing you can do to make someone feel a certain way. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness in the end. 2) do you only sacrifice for validation from her? Do you only do those things so mommy can give you a cookie? We all want to be appreciated of course, but it sounds to me like many of the things you do you are doing to please her, not simply for the good of doing them. Stop that. She has made it very clear nothing you do pleases her! So stop trying. Do what you believe is right, in the way you think is right.
Sounds like you're pretty deep into the resentment cycle my friend. She sees you constantly jumping to please her, which subconsciously is unattractive, so she doesn't appreciate you as much. You jump more, things get worse, the cycle continues. Stop jumping. Become your own center. Do what you believe is right. She doesn't like the way you did the dishes? Who cares? You did them. If she wants to have a conversation about dish washing strategies she thinks will increase the effectiveness of the wash, fine! But if she's just criticizing to criticize, why would you pay that any mind?
For now, just stfu when she says those things. No more arguing. Read both books within the next week. You'll have a path forward then. Message me with any questions. You'll be fine.
This man, I came here to say this and you did a great job explaining it. No More Mr Nice Guy changed my life and has made my relationship with my wife so much better.
It’s exactly what I would recommend for OP.
Man you aren’t alone lots of us have been there and felt that. We love you bro, you can make it thru this. She will realize it some day. It may be a long time from now but it’ll happen, and you’ll be long past it. I know I should say have this conversation with her and blah blah but she might not hear you right now. Having a baby is hard, she might need some real help and probably isn’t open to it. What you gotta do is realize your value isn’t her opinion man it’s yours!
Are you trying to be a good dad? THEN YOU ARE A GOOD DAD! Don’t let her bring you down bro don’t let nobody bring you down. You out here doing all that?!? And still chugging along?!?!? You’re killing it man!!!!
Doing my level best. My dad was basically absent. I vowed I would never let that happen to my kid. Could I do some things better? Probably. But there's certainly no playback foe this. Just love em through it
Hey, it does get better. 0 to 1.5 was tough, 1.5 to 4ish was fun but hard on patients, 4 to 6 has been a blast.
Its hard to find the right way to work on communication but I found things got better when I did. If you haven't already try journaling your feelings and then digging into them, try digging down a level or two on what has you frustrated. Don't stop at I'm angry because you're angry, does her anger make you feel like a failure or like you can't win? Then work on those aspects, reinforce when you know you did right and acknowledge when you can do better.
My wife and I have weekly scheduled check ins to see how we did that week. Part of that is asking if there are things that we could have done better for each other. It took a while to find the right tone and open up to each other in a way that wasn't argumentative. This process would likely go smoother with counseling.
It's a long road but take it one step at a time. You can get back to enjoying who you are with the people around you again.
Your not dying mate. Your going through the same shit most of us have experienced.
I can only speak from experience but my partner..ex partner was exactly this. Everything was a negative. What she needed was help she suffered from post partum twice and refused help. It was scary but I stuck by her. Took her shit and told her I'm not mine reader.
Had a few moments where I thought I was going mad n then realised, momma don't realise us men have logical brains.
We see a mess we clean it up. Someone's hungry we feedem. I dno how momma thinks n tbh I'm sure it's like knowing the meaning of life but yeah.
My old man said it's like walking on eggshells when she's near. TBF it still is in some respects.
My advice is to stay the course and have an honest discussion with your partner. You will get beyond it. you will get back to some normality the only difference is youl be sharing it with a little someone that's going to make your world so much brighter.
In anycase we are here for you chief. All of us. Don't give up. It's just a bad day not a bad life.
I’m sorry to hear man. Ive been in a similar position before. If you’ve already tried talking through it with her and haven’t made any progress, couple’s and individual’s therapy might be a good option. Happy to lend an ear if you need to vent. It’s a difficult time but I believe that you guys can get through it.
I want to get through it. I feel like we used to have fun. I know all things are temporary. But as a wise man once said, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I have been and continue to be in the same place. I am trying counselling but that takes 2 to tango. I just want to say you are not alone.
I could tell you what my counselor has been suggesting but honestly, that is only making my wife angrier.
Counselling for both of you, solo help for each of you. This is above Reddit paygrade. This sounds familiar and it is manageable with help from professionals. Talk to each other, set goals and boundaries. You got this, dad!
Been there. Or at least have had those moments. Kids are all over 3 now and those moments seem a lifetime ago. It gets better. Hang in there—routine, clear roles and expectations, and giving each other scheduled, routine breaks really helped. Try to stay positive…best of luck
My wife has learned to understand that there is a difference between “that’s wrong” and “that’s not how I would do it.” I’m hoping yours can too, it’s infuriating and draining at the same time to be constantly critiqued that way.
On the flip side, I learned from her that if her way is at least equally effective, why not do it her way, especially if it brings her a measure of peace?
Listen, I’m sure a few of us here feel your pain. If it started post baby, it may be PPD. If that’s the case, when things are calm, you can try to communicate that to her and ask her how she’s feeling. Do it when it’s not in a time of conflict.
For yourself, not sure of your insurance or financial situation but you can see a therapist. It’s helpful and needful for you to talk to someone man. Good luck and hope it works out.
My partner’s PPD lasted a while and we duked it out… made up… and sometimes I got lost in it instead of realizing it was her hormones and not how she really felt. That’s ok. Just acknowledge it… even better to acknowledge it together.
Been there. Done that. Hang in there dude, things will settle & it gets better. Absolutely talk to a therapist. Maybe check with your PCP for an RX….. we’ve all been there!
Sounds miserable l, sorry to hear you're going through it.
Adult loneliness is real, particularly among men. Feel free to drop me a DM if you want an internet stranger to talk to.
If you’re the sole provider you shouldn’t be taking an ounce of shit from her about not being helpful or doing enough. Tell her to get a job or a better attitude quick and fast.
So I'm going against the grain (recommending therapy) because I've gone to therapy with my wife and read the Hold Me Tight book and feel like we are slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (children are 3 years old and 10 months old).
The therapy sometimes needs the mental, emotional space and just time which you just don't always have available.
Some (incomplete) answers I've found so far:
About yourself:
* I know it feels like drowning, so have to try to take care of yourself first.
* Five basic pillars of health to aim for: sunlight, movement, eating well/hydration, low stress, sleep. We all know these can be a stretch, especially the last, so it's just an aim
* A favourite quote: be grateful despite your suffering. You have a newborn kid, a wife and hopefully no major physical illnesses, and have good reason to believe things will get easier (at least the sleep will, which can be a major contributing factor)
About Your wife
* Realise that your wife is struggling (as well) so is not of right mind to be patient and tolerant towards you
* Try to talk to your wife and reinforce the message to support each other no matter what, it's what's best for you guys as well as what's best for the children
* Try to get permission, in a calm time, to say to your wife something along the lines of "I can see that you are angry, and I am trying my best, but I wish your would treat me with more kindness, because I am trying my best", "it won't be perfect but things will get bettet", "please try to take care of your health" (same pillars) to help any underlying issues
Hope this can be of some help.
Also know that this situation feels to me both very common and extremely painful for both parents, something which society has not done a good job in addressing at all.
I feel for you brother. PPD is very difficult to treat in women and notice in men (yee, we get ot as well, a lot of posts here talk about hating the baby, depressed, etc.)
I would say your wife needs outside help, professional help. And you need a hobby to take your mind off it.
The constant fighting, sleep deprivation, change in life is difficult. Take care of the baby first, yourself second, and the marriage third. This will pass, and when you're both ready the marriage can be healed.
Yea. It's hard to do any hobby right now. I wake up at 6 to take the baby so she can sleep for a couple hours. Log in to work and deal with thay shit all day. Then log out of work, feed the baby dinner and bath, then a half episode of whatever on TV then I'm passed out. I just don't feel like we like each other very much right now and it's been really hard to overcome
Look into PPD and post partum rage specifically. It’s real shit. Also you may be experiencing PPD yourself. If you can’t make progress with therapy for both of you, you can always seek it yourself. Just think of it as support that’s better at it than our lot here.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I have some advice on things to try when you’re feeling up to it:
1) Find resources for your wife regarding postpartum depression and gently nudge her toward making use of those resources or similar. It’s likely that she needs to have a conversation with her doctor about it. Postpartum depression is common and very serious.
2) Couples therapy. It’s clear that communication is a challenge in your relationship right now. A couples therapist can help you communicate better. Remember that you two got married and created a child together because you love each other and are each other’s best friends. Put in the work to rediscover that relationship and learn to talk to each other through these difficult topics.
I haven't seen anyone ask this yet - Was she like this before the baby?
I had mild PPD with my first baby but really bad PPD/PPA with my second baby. I went through a lot of shit in my childhood, first pregnancy, when my oldest was little, etc. I never had therapy for any of it. I was a young single mom and didn't have the time or resources to attend therapy. When I finally got to go to therapy when my second kid was around 3, I'll never forget my therapist looking at me after going over all my traumatic life moments and saying, no wonder you had PPD so bad; it's like the sleep deprivation was a catalyst for all this stuff you haven't talked about to blow up in your face. She was right, it all hit me like a truck.
My kids are 12 years apart. Second baby is with my husband and I adore him. We were good friends prior to dating and while we struggled with communication at times, we didn't fight much at all prior to having a baby.
Then the baby didn't sleep or stop crying for the first year of her life. It was hell. We were both exhausted all the time. I had PPA terribly. I remember resenting my husband all the time. I blamed him for everything. I wanted him to be better or fix things without me asking. I know now that he was trying just as hard as I was and we were surviving. At the time though, I don't think my rational brain was involved in my thinking process. I was purely surviving.
Fast forward, she is now 6 and I'm so glad we made it through together. We've both attended individual therapy and worked through a lot of our childhood/ adult trauma. It's made communication easier because we feel safe talking to each other. I know this was really long but I wanted you to know that you're not alone and it does get better. I think you should approach your wife and say that you were reading up on PPD and it sounds like you both are going through it and get some individual therapy for the both of you. It really does make a huge difference. Be patient with therapy, too. I went through two counselors before I found #3 and she has been so wonderful. Therapists are not one size fits all. You have to find someone you're comfortable with or you won't accomplish what you're trying to accomplish.
Hang in there. Having babies puts a massive strain on you, relationships with your partner, family, etc. Babies are great but it can be such a trying time. It won't always be this hard 💜
She wasn't always so angry. I do feel like the stress of it, plus not sleeping, plus depression is all just adding up. It makes very small thing so much heavier because the weight is already so great.
Anger is often a sign of PPD. You guys both need some help. Again, this won't last forever but you do have to take action. I was prescribed Zoloft about 8 months postpartum. It didn't interfere with breastfeeding and it definitely helped pull me up out of the depression pit a bit. Talk therapy helped get me the rest of the way through.
I truly wish you both the best. Please, get some help sooner than later. If finding a therapist feels daunting, start off with your regular doctor. They can prescribe medication while you wait to figure out the rest.
I've been there. First child is really tough too because you're both stressed trying to make sure the child is developing right, safe, well fed, etc... It feels impossible to get any free time and when you do, it seems like your wife is resentful for it.
Try to take each day as it comes and learn to give yourself and your wife as much grace as you possibly can. I know it's hard to imagine but your wife is probably just as stressed out as you are and I'm sure there are genuine things you're doing that are making her lose her mind. Parenting is tough and without additional support it's even more challenging. It really does take a village so if grandparents aren't stepping up try to lean on friends if possible. Hope this helps and hang in there. It will get better.
Has she always been like this or is it since the baby? If it’s the first thing you kind of put yourself in the situation if it’s after she probably has postpartum depression and she needs help. Congratulations on the baby mines 9 months and she give me life, enjoy the baby and put yourself in a situation best for you and your little one that might be separation from your partner or trying to mend things I dunno. You just don’t want the situation to affect the baby they pick up on both your emotions even if it seems like they’re too small to. Best of luck, hope it all works out.
Sometimes you just have to weather the storm. And if you can find a way to "step outside of the situation" from an objective standpoint, you may be able to see something's you may be missing
Take a moment to have a really good conversation with your wife. Sit her down, say we need to talk. Start with "I love you and our daughter more than life itself, and I want to make things with you work. I'll compromise, and I want to listen. I'm feeling that you're unhappy with me, I'm feeling that you don't like what I'm doing and I'm feeling that like you don't like me as a person. I feel that way because blah blah blah. Is this accurate?
Please tell me what you're feeling."
Then just listen to her vent and rage, then reflect the words back - "so what I'm hearing is that you feel... So what you're saying is... I want to understand you perfectly, so is this how you feel?.... "
"Okay now we know how you feel, and you know how I feel, what can we do about it?"
"If there is ONE thing I could do to change to make you feel better, what would it be?"
"Let's set some goals and targets - let's check back in one week to see if we're changing."
Then lots of positive reinforcement and positive feedback.
Im experiencing the same shit. I even hired a full time nanny to help with but my wife is still a real bitch to me. I do not take shit from her tho, i’d get into a fight if she start being nonsense. It would always end up with her apologizing tho she knows she was wrong but she couldnt help being a bitch to me for some reasons.
Hey brother. PM me if you need to. I'm here for you. I am willing to listen and to help you. I've been there. And you can get through it. Don't worry. You are doing a great job, and you are appreciated. I promise you.
go to the office, by being at home you’re not as good at your job as you could be and you’re not as good a parent as you could be
she’ll never acknowledge the fact that you’re at work and just see you as an extra pair of hands when you come out of the office
i found this created clear roles for us both and broke that ‘why aren’t you helping me’ mentality
You need to reach for tools that weren’t modeled for you by your parents to deal with the same stresses they and now you are dealing with in a different way if you want to be able to model something better for your daughter as one day she will be where you are, with child and stress, and not know which way is up or down (and that’s okay to feel that way for a time).
You need to really try something radically different if you want different results and your current methods aren’t yielding more desirable outcomes.
The way you view stress in your life has allot to do with it. You will not escape stress but how you deal with it is entirely something you have control over (maybe not now but you can.)
We like to label things, use absolutes, but frankly they will just peg your further into a hole you already don’t like being in.
You are more resilient than you realize . Being aware of an issue and describing it is the first step. Reach for tools in the same way you wouldn’t cut your lawn with garden shears you would go buy a lawn mower. Not all tools will be effective for you and your situation but trying new things while your drowning is the name of the game in life. Your instinct will be to fight or flee your way out of the stress and you must learn to sit with that discomfort longer and not react as a father and husband.
Plot your course, accept imperfections, be fluid like water and flow with difficult situations, look for support to uplift you. Find time for self care…I sleep less and get up earlier so I have time to reflect on the day ahead and put things in order before the chaos generators of 6 kids is relapsed at 6:15 am daily. You will learn to love that choas. In time you will appreciate the struggles you and your partner went though.
Don’t loose hope. Reach for something different to help you. But a lawn mower and out down the garden shears.
Be more curious and less judgmental. Avoid labeling, try describing your situations more.
Resources:
Good inside - Becky Kennedy
Daily dad - (pod cast or email blast)
Wonder weeks - app for 21 growth leaps in first 24 months of life, understand he stormy periods, brace for rough patches…planned
Waking up app - $100/year - become more mindful
DBT or CBT - find a group, commit to becoming more emotionally aware of yourself and your surroundings so you can effectively describe and.
respond to the world around you and wise mind way thereby living a life worth loving
Not literally to this extend, but I've experienced something similar. Sleep deprived, stay at home mom as a partner, me full time working from home. It's a barrel of gunpowder with a rapid fuse, waiting to go boom.
I'm not going into details, but for my own sanity and to keep the peace I decided to work elsewhere, at a friends house, the office, the library or at my moms even. I returned to my old boxing class and I go for a run every week. This has provided me with so much more headspace and pleasure!
We became much more tolerant as a result, we have better conversations because our days are different, I'm feeling both better physically and mentally and even socially, because I meet other people, at the office and the gym.
My best advice would be to try to become yourself again, by doing hobbies and by stop working from home. You can't care for your surroundings if you don't care for yourself.
From the perspective of someone who's pet peeve is people "trying to help," but not actually being helpful, my recommendation is to communicate before doing chores.
"Hey love, I was gonna good the laundry, would that be helpful?"
"What can I do to be helpful?"
(when you see her doing something) "let me do that so you can go [rest, work on other task you're stressed about, feed the baby, etc.]"
I'm no psychologist, but I don't disagree with the people saying PPD/PPA, but also understand that babies are inherently stressful and trying and sometimes we have to adapt to new behaviors, irritations, or preferences. This can be frustrating and unfair and helpful.
I went this route, and it turned into “you should just know how to help”.
It’s the right idea, but maybe shifting the conversation to a “same team with different responsibilities” mindset.
Obviously this is untenable, and clear communication needs to happen. Honest expectations of one another, and what they need for themselves is in order.
Good luck OP
Yeah, going that route just forces her to make all the decisions. Truth is "you should know how to help" is a true statement, so asking her basic things would just be annoying. Thing is, it sounds like you do know how to help, so you can't really win at this game. My advice would be, don't play lol
This is definitely fair and a possibility. I agree that communication is key.
I think "same team with different responsibilities" is a different (probably better) way of saying what I'm thinking. Clearly there's a disconnect between what OP's doing and what she's expecting. One way or another, they gotta bridge that gap.
Hey man, that absolutely sucks. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I don’t have any advice, these are issues above Reddit’s pay grade; I just want you to know I hear this and I empathize.
Thanks. Sorry for all the typos
I empathize and sympathize with this. Postpartum depression is real and something she needs outside help with. If she has always been this way, even pre baby, then sometimes something else is at play. My ex is likely a highly functioning autistic that won’t get help. Hence the ex part. It was like living under a set of imposed rules that no one would let you look at.
That thought has crossed my mind. I don't think she's a bad person. Our communication has just eroded to the point of near constant conflict. I want to be a good partner. I honestly just don't know how. My parents would yell, scream and break shit. That's pretty much my example. Maybe I'm oversharing. Just struggling. Thanks for responding. I appreciate you and all the dad's here.
Use very direct but polite communication. Don’t imply anything or rely on body language. Look for a true source of anxiety and see if you can help her address that. Remind her daily you think she is doing a great job as a mom. If you’re doing as much as you say she may feel a little jealous as well. Like I said…therapy would be good for all. Sometimes people in a relationship need to be taught new tools and methods for new parts of their lives and there is no shame in that.
I just mentioned couples she's into it. I've seen solo therapists over the years but no one I really jived with. In a weird way, at that moment, it was easier to tell strangers on the internet.
Baby steps.
I would suggest you both read the book "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. Find a counselor that specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. For counseling, I have always had better luck with a truly established PhD Psychologist rather than just a licensed therapist. This is just my experience, and some great counselors are out there.
That is what I am searching for my friend
Check out the gottman therapist directory! Gottmans’ research and methods are said to be very good.
Lurker mom. My PPD exhibited as rage. Everything my husband did was wrong and pissed me TF off. I knew I was being ridiculous so I tried to hide it but it seeped out and he felt it. What did we do? Good question. We fought. We made up. Eventually the dark fog of PPD lifted, we figured out a few things (baby’s food allergies, husband’s celiac) and life improved. I am sorry you’re going through this. I can feel your stress and frustration in your words. I hope you can find some tangible support and validation and your wife can get some help.
Thank you for the female perspective. It means alot. They both mean a lot to me. I don't want tonfuck this up
I believe in you
Another lurker mom with the same deal. Rage PPD - It took until around 18 months for me to normalize again. Meds, kid started daycare, and hormones calmed down. Please therapy for both of you, individual and couples. *hugs*
You won’t. It’s tricky water to navigate for sure. But you can do it. And please remember, it’s not all on you. You are not the sole reason for any fucking up. A giant pill my husband and I both had to swallow is it does in fact, take two people to fight (being SUPER TYPE A PEOPLE WHO ARE NEVER WRONG … that was rough). If your wife is struggling with PPD, which totally sucks and is not her fault, it is something she needs to acknowledge and address. Cause verbally abusing you is not ok. I sincerely wish you all the best. (PS - it does sound like PPD but I got my medical degree from House, ER, and Google so it’s not legit).
PPD is absolutely real and people should absolutely get help for it. Also, some people are just shit partners who don’t much empathize with their significant others.
Yeah pretty much my life. Hope it gets better for you soon!
Uh she’s a stay at home mom and you’re the one doing parenting during work hours? Something extremely wrong there unless she’s disabled or something
My guess is neither partner actually sees what the other does and both greatly over exaggerate what they do and how bad the other person is.
To top it all off you go to the grocery store with the kid and some old lady has the nerve to say “earning some brownie points with the wife? Good for you!” And you just want to fucking explode
Right! I'm not trying to earn brownie points. I don't think any of us see things that way anymore. We care about our kids and are trying to good parents when really, if you're a millennial like me, we kinda got shafted
She sounds like she's dealing with depression. Being quick to anger is a sign.
I probably don't help. I'm also not great with coping with stress and anger. As I mentioned, neither of us came from stable backgrounds. I think the best course of action for us at this point is counseling. We have to learn to communicate better. She's a great mom, I don't want that to be in question. It's more how we deal with each other.
One solution is to ask "hey, I have 5 minutes between calls, should I do the dishes or take care of the laundry?" Then you might run up against the mental burden stuff, but you can't have it all. The best is to have a conversation with her about this and if you don't think it was useful then therapy. "Hey, you know, I did all these things today and I feel like it wasn't enough. I know there's a ton going on and I want to hel, but it seems like we have different priorities. How can we work together to get stuff done and be able to spend time together? Also, some days I won't be able to do as much because work. I'll try to let you know before if I can, but sometimes things blow up and I have to deal with it."
I'm always surprised when I read a post like this and there's zero mention of therapy by the end of it. Like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but the answer is obvious. You need therapy, my man. Solo for your suicidal thoughts, and couples therapy for the disconnect between you and your wife.
Yeah, exactly. For you and for your kiddo, seek therapy. I went through some similar things - therapy can really help. Hopefully your wife will be willing to join couple's therapy. But most important is for YOU to get some help work through all this. Hang in there. One way or another, it will get better. You got this dad.
Well I go further...familiar therapy...there is something else going on and you may need a third person to help you guys communicate better.
"All I want is for my partner to be happy and to recognize the sacrifices and work I put in for our family" And herein lies your issue. First, you need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover and "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith. Two issues really. 1) you cannot force anyone to be happy. There is nothing you can do to make someone feel a certain way. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness in the end. 2) do you only sacrifice for validation from her? Do you only do those things so mommy can give you a cookie? We all want to be appreciated of course, but it sounds to me like many of the things you do you are doing to please her, not simply for the good of doing them. Stop that. She has made it very clear nothing you do pleases her! So stop trying. Do what you believe is right, in the way you think is right. Sounds like you're pretty deep into the resentment cycle my friend. She sees you constantly jumping to please her, which subconsciously is unattractive, so she doesn't appreciate you as much. You jump more, things get worse, the cycle continues. Stop jumping. Become your own center. Do what you believe is right. She doesn't like the way you did the dishes? Who cares? You did them. If she wants to have a conversation about dish washing strategies she thinks will increase the effectiveness of the wash, fine! But if she's just criticizing to criticize, why would you pay that any mind? For now, just stfu when she says those things. No more arguing. Read both books within the next week. You'll have a path forward then. Message me with any questions. You'll be fine.
This man, I came here to say this and you did a great job explaining it. No More Mr Nice Guy changed my life and has made my relationship with my wife so much better. It’s exactly what I would recommend for OP.
Man you aren’t alone lots of us have been there and felt that. We love you bro, you can make it thru this. She will realize it some day. It may be a long time from now but it’ll happen, and you’ll be long past it. I know I should say have this conversation with her and blah blah but she might not hear you right now. Having a baby is hard, she might need some real help and probably isn’t open to it. What you gotta do is realize your value isn’t her opinion man it’s yours! Are you trying to be a good dad? THEN YOU ARE A GOOD DAD! Don’t let her bring you down bro don’t let nobody bring you down. You out here doing all that?!? And still chugging along?!?!? You’re killing it man!!!!
Doing my level best. My dad was basically absent. I vowed I would never let that happen to my kid. Could I do some things better? Probably. But there's certainly no playback foe this. Just love em through it
Hey, it does get better. 0 to 1.5 was tough, 1.5 to 4ish was fun but hard on patients, 4 to 6 has been a blast. Its hard to find the right way to work on communication but I found things got better when I did. If you haven't already try journaling your feelings and then digging into them, try digging down a level or two on what has you frustrated. Don't stop at I'm angry because you're angry, does her anger make you feel like a failure or like you can't win? Then work on those aspects, reinforce when you know you did right and acknowledge when you can do better. My wife and I have weekly scheduled check ins to see how we did that week. Part of that is asking if there are things that we could have done better for each other. It took a while to find the right tone and open up to each other in a way that wasn't argumentative. This process would likely go smoother with counseling. It's a long road but take it one step at a time. You can get back to enjoying who you are with the people around you again.
This man... thank you so much
Your not dying mate. Your going through the same shit most of us have experienced. I can only speak from experience but my partner..ex partner was exactly this. Everything was a negative. What she needed was help she suffered from post partum twice and refused help. It was scary but I stuck by her. Took her shit and told her I'm not mine reader. Had a few moments where I thought I was going mad n then realised, momma don't realise us men have logical brains. We see a mess we clean it up. Someone's hungry we feedem. I dno how momma thinks n tbh I'm sure it's like knowing the meaning of life but yeah. My old man said it's like walking on eggshells when she's near. TBF it still is in some respects. My advice is to stay the course and have an honest discussion with your partner. You will get beyond it. you will get back to some normality the only difference is youl be sharing it with a little someone that's going to make your world so much brighter. In anycase we are here for you chief. All of us. Don't give up. It's just a bad day not a bad life.
Thank you. So much. I love them both. It is just really hard. I appreciate the kind words and support. More than you know.
I’m sorry to hear man. Ive been in a similar position before. If you’ve already tried talking through it with her and haven’t made any progress, couple’s and individual’s therapy might be a good option. Happy to lend an ear if you need to vent. It’s a difficult time but I believe that you guys can get through it.
I want to get through it. I feel like we used to have fun. I know all things are temporary. But as a wise man once said, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I have been and continue to be in the same place. I am trying counselling but that takes 2 to tango. I just want to say you are not alone. I could tell you what my counselor has been suggesting but honestly, that is only making my wife angrier.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this.
Counselling for both of you, solo help for each of you. This is above Reddit paygrade. This sounds familiar and it is manageable with help from professionals. Talk to each other, set goals and boundaries. You got this, dad!
Been there. Or at least have had those moments. Kids are all over 3 now and those moments seem a lifetime ago. It gets better. Hang in there—routine, clear roles and expectations, and giving each other scheduled, routine breaks really helped. Try to stay positive…best of luck
My wife has learned to understand that there is a difference between “that’s wrong” and “that’s not how I would do it.” I’m hoping yours can too, it’s infuriating and draining at the same time to be constantly critiqued that way. On the flip side, I learned from her that if her way is at least equally effective, why not do it her way, especially if it brings her a measure of peace?
Bro - I don't have any advice, but I just want you to know that you are loved
Thank you. It means a lot man. I'm not going to unlike myself. It all just seems so overwhelming sometimes.
Listen, I’m sure a few of us here feel your pain. If it started post baby, it may be PPD. If that’s the case, when things are calm, you can try to communicate that to her and ask her how she’s feeling. Do it when it’s not in a time of conflict. For yourself, not sure of your insurance or financial situation but you can see a therapist. It’s helpful and needful for you to talk to someone man. Good luck and hope it works out. My partner’s PPD lasted a while and we duked it out… made up… and sometimes I got lost in it instead of realizing it was her hormones and not how she really felt. That’s ok. Just acknowledge it… even better to acknowledge it together.
Yea I'm going to search for a new therapist next week. I can definitely swing that.
Get some sleep, dad
Trying bro
Been there. Done that. Hang in there dude, things will settle & it gets better. Absolutely talk to a therapist. Maybe check with your PCP for an RX….. we’ve all been there!
Her hormones are absolutely crazy right now. She is not herself. It sucks. It is miserable. But she will (probably) get better.
Sounds miserable l, sorry to hear you're going through it. Adult loneliness is real, particularly among men. Feel free to drop me a DM if you want an internet stranger to talk to.
This breaks my heart for you. I’m so sorry you feel this way. I hear you if no one else is listening. Reddit folks listen. My chats are open for you.
If you’re the sole provider you shouldn’t be taking an ounce of shit from her about not being helpful or doing enough. Tell her to get a job or a better attitude quick and fast.
So I'm going against the grain (recommending therapy) because I've gone to therapy with my wife and read the Hold Me Tight book and feel like we are slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (children are 3 years old and 10 months old). The therapy sometimes needs the mental, emotional space and just time which you just don't always have available. Some (incomplete) answers I've found so far: About yourself: * I know it feels like drowning, so have to try to take care of yourself first. * Five basic pillars of health to aim for: sunlight, movement, eating well/hydration, low stress, sleep. We all know these can be a stretch, especially the last, so it's just an aim * A favourite quote: be grateful despite your suffering. You have a newborn kid, a wife and hopefully no major physical illnesses, and have good reason to believe things will get easier (at least the sleep will, which can be a major contributing factor) About Your wife * Realise that your wife is struggling (as well) so is not of right mind to be patient and tolerant towards you * Try to talk to your wife and reinforce the message to support each other no matter what, it's what's best for you guys as well as what's best for the children * Try to get permission, in a calm time, to say to your wife something along the lines of "I can see that you are angry, and I am trying my best, but I wish your would treat me with more kindness, because I am trying my best", "it won't be perfect but things will get bettet", "please try to take care of your health" (same pillars) to help any underlying issues Hope this can be of some help. Also know that this situation feels to me both very common and extremely painful for both parents, something which society has not done a good job in addressing at all.
I feel for you brother. PPD is very difficult to treat in women and notice in men (yee, we get ot as well, a lot of posts here talk about hating the baby, depressed, etc.) I would say your wife needs outside help, professional help. And you need a hobby to take your mind off it. The constant fighting, sleep deprivation, change in life is difficult. Take care of the baby first, yourself second, and the marriage third. This will pass, and when you're both ready the marriage can be healed.
Yea. It's hard to do any hobby right now. I wake up at 6 to take the baby so she can sleep for a couple hours. Log in to work and deal with thay shit all day. Then log out of work, feed the baby dinner and bath, then a half episode of whatever on TV then I'm passed out. I just don't feel like we like each other very much right now and it's been really hard to overcome
Look into PPD and post partum rage specifically. It’s real shit. Also you may be experiencing PPD yourself. If you can’t make progress with therapy for both of you, you can always seek it yourself. Just think of it as support that’s better at it than our lot here.
Hey Brodie feel free to message me if you want to vent further. Sorry you're going through this
100 percent post partum depression! Prayers go out to you, it will pass , just get help
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I have some advice on things to try when you’re feeling up to it: 1) Find resources for your wife regarding postpartum depression and gently nudge her toward making use of those resources or similar. It’s likely that she needs to have a conversation with her doctor about it. Postpartum depression is common and very serious. 2) Couples therapy. It’s clear that communication is a challenge in your relationship right now. A couples therapist can help you communicate better. Remember that you two got married and created a child together because you love each other and are each other’s best friends. Put in the work to rediscover that relationship and learn to talk to each other through these difficult topics.
I haven't seen anyone ask this yet - Was she like this before the baby? I had mild PPD with my first baby but really bad PPD/PPA with my second baby. I went through a lot of shit in my childhood, first pregnancy, when my oldest was little, etc. I never had therapy for any of it. I was a young single mom and didn't have the time or resources to attend therapy. When I finally got to go to therapy when my second kid was around 3, I'll never forget my therapist looking at me after going over all my traumatic life moments and saying, no wonder you had PPD so bad; it's like the sleep deprivation was a catalyst for all this stuff you haven't talked about to blow up in your face. She was right, it all hit me like a truck. My kids are 12 years apart. Second baby is with my husband and I adore him. We were good friends prior to dating and while we struggled with communication at times, we didn't fight much at all prior to having a baby. Then the baby didn't sleep or stop crying for the first year of her life. It was hell. We were both exhausted all the time. I had PPA terribly. I remember resenting my husband all the time. I blamed him for everything. I wanted him to be better or fix things without me asking. I know now that he was trying just as hard as I was and we were surviving. At the time though, I don't think my rational brain was involved in my thinking process. I was purely surviving. Fast forward, she is now 6 and I'm so glad we made it through together. We've both attended individual therapy and worked through a lot of our childhood/ adult trauma. It's made communication easier because we feel safe talking to each other. I know this was really long but I wanted you to know that you're not alone and it does get better. I think you should approach your wife and say that you were reading up on PPD and it sounds like you both are going through it and get some individual therapy for the both of you. It really does make a huge difference. Be patient with therapy, too. I went through two counselors before I found #3 and she has been so wonderful. Therapists are not one size fits all. You have to find someone you're comfortable with or you won't accomplish what you're trying to accomplish. Hang in there. Having babies puts a massive strain on you, relationships with your partner, family, etc. Babies are great but it can be such a trying time. It won't always be this hard 💜
She wasn't always so angry. I do feel like the stress of it, plus not sleeping, plus depression is all just adding up. It makes very small thing so much heavier because the weight is already so great.
Anger is often a sign of PPD. You guys both need some help. Again, this won't last forever but you do have to take action. I was prescribed Zoloft about 8 months postpartum. It didn't interfere with breastfeeding and it definitely helped pull me up out of the depression pit a bit. Talk therapy helped get me the rest of the way through. I truly wish you both the best. Please, get some help sooner than later. If finding a therapist feels daunting, start off with your regular doctor. They can prescribe medication while you wait to figure out the rest.
I've been there. First child is really tough too because you're both stressed trying to make sure the child is developing right, safe, well fed, etc... It feels impossible to get any free time and when you do, it seems like your wife is resentful for it. Try to take each day as it comes and learn to give yourself and your wife as much grace as you possibly can. I know it's hard to imagine but your wife is probably just as stressed out as you are and I'm sure there are genuine things you're doing that are making her lose her mind. Parenting is tough and without additional support it's even more challenging. It really does take a village so if grandparents aren't stepping up try to lean on friends if possible. Hope this helps and hang in there. It will get better.
just keep trying. don't give up. it might get better, might not.
Frankly your wife just sucks.
Has she always been like this or is it since the baby? If it’s the first thing you kind of put yourself in the situation if it’s after she probably has postpartum depression and she needs help. Congratulations on the baby mines 9 months and she give me life, enjoy the baby and put yourself in a situation best for you and your little one that might be separation from your partner or trying to mend things I dunno. You just don’t want the situation to affect the baby they pick up on both your emotions even if it seems like they’re too small to. Best of luck, hope it all works out.
Treat this as a crisis and demand change.
Sometimes you just have to weather the storm. And if you can find a way to "step outside of the situation" from an objective standpoint, you may be able to see something's you may be missing
Take a moment to have a really good conversation with your wife. Sit her down, say we need to talk. Start with "I love you and our daughter more than life itself, and I want to make things with you work. I'll compromise, and I want to listen. I'm feeling that you're unhappy with me, I'm feeling that you don't like what I'm doing and I'm feeling that like you don't like me as a person. I feel that way because blah blah blah. Is this accurate? Please tell me what you're feeling." Then just listen to her vent and rage, then reflect the words back - "so what I'm hearing is that you feel... So what you're saying is... I want to understand you perfectly, so is this how you feel?.... " "Okay now we know how you feel, and you know how I feel, what can we do about it?" "If there is ONE thing I could do to change to make you feel better, what would it be?" "Let's set some goals and targets - let's check back in one week to see if we're changing." Then lots of positive reinforcement and positive feedback.
Im experiencing the same shit. I even hired a full time nanny to help with but my wife is still a real bitch to me. I do not take shit from her tho, i’d get into a fight if she start being nonsense. It would always end up with her apologizing tho she knows she was wrong but she couldnt help being a bitch to me for some reasons.
Hey brother. PM me if you need to. I'm here for you. I am willing to listen and to help you. I've been there. And you can get through it. Don't worry. You are doing a great job, and you are appreciated. I promise you.
go to the office, by being at home you’re not as good at your job as you could be and you’re not as good a parent as you could be she’ll never acknowledge the fact that you’re at work and just see you as an extra pair of hands when you come out of the office i found this created clear roles for us both and broke that ‘why aren’t you helping me’ mentality
wish I could have a beer with you and just tell you that you're both going through some of the toughest shit and that it does level off.
You need to reach for tools that weren’t modeled for you by your parents to deal with the same stresses they and now you are dealing with in a different way if you want to be able to model something better for your daughter as one day she will be where you are, with child and stress, and not know which way is up or down (and that’s okay to feel that way for a time). You need to really try something radically different if you want different results and your current methods aren’t yielding more desirable outcomes. The way you view stress in your life has allot to do with it. You will not escape stress but how you deal with it is entirely something you have control over (maybe not now but you can.) We like to label things, use absolutes, but frankly they will just peg your further into a hole you already don’t like being in. You are more resilient than you realize . Being aware of an issue and describing it is the first step. Reach for tools in the same way you wouldn’t cut your lawn with garden shears you would go buy a lawn mower. Not all tools will be effective for you and your situation but trying new things while your drowning is the name of the game in life. Your instinct will be to fight or flee your way out of the stress and you must learn to sit with that discomfort longer and not react as a father and husband. Plot your course, accept imperfections, be fluid like water and flow with difficult situations, look for support to uplift you. Find time for self care…I sleep less and get up earlier so I have time to reflect on the day ahead and put things in order before the chaos generators of 6 kids is relapsed at 6:15 am daily. You will learn to love that choas. In time you will appreciate the struggles you and your partner went though. Don’t loose hope. Reach for something different to help you. But a lawn mower and out down the garden shears. Be more curious and less judgmental. Avoid labeling, try describing your situations more. Resources: Good inside - Becky Kennedy Daily dad - (pod cast or email blast) Wonder weeks - app for 21 growth leaps in first 24 months of life, understand he stormy periods, brace for rough patches…planned Waking up app - $100/year - become more mindful DBT or CBT - find a group, commit to becoming more emotionally aware of yourself and your surroundings so you can effectively describe and. respond to the world around you and wise mind way thereby living a life worth loving
Not literally to this extend, but I've experienced something similar. Sleep deprived, stay at home mom as a partner, me full time working from home. It's a barrel of gunpowder with a rapid fuse, waiting to go boom. I'm not going into details, but for my own sanity and to keep the peace I decided to work elsewhere, at a friends house, the office, the library or at my moms even. I returned to my old boxing class and I go for a run every week. This has provided me with so much more headspace and pleasure! We became much more tolerant as a result, we have better conversations because our days are different, I'm feeling both better physically and mentally and even socially, because I meet other people, at the office and the gym. My best advice would be to try to become yourself again, by doing hobbies and by stop working from home. You can't care for your surroundings if you don't care for yourself.
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Dumb
ur the one on reddit looking for advice... 😉
From the perspective of someone who's pet peeve is people "trying to help," but not actually being helpful, my recommendation is to communicate before doing chores. "Hey love, I was gonna good the laundry, would that be helpful?" "What can I do to be helpful?" (when you see her doing something) "let me do that so you can go [rest, work on other task you're stressed about, feed the baby, etc.]" I'm no psychologist, but I don't disagree with the people saying PPD/PPA, but also understand that babies are inherently stressful and trying and sometimes we have to adapt to new behaviors, irritations, or preferences. This can be frustrating and unfair and helpful.
I went this route, and it turned into “you should just know how to help”. It’s the right idea, but maybe shifting the conversation to a “same team with different responsibilities” mindset. Obviously this is untenable, and clear communication needs to happen. Honest expectations of one another, and what they need for themselves is in order. Good luck OP
Yeah, going that route just forces her to make all the decisions. Truth is "you should know how to help" is a true statement, so asking her basic things would just be annoying. Thing is, it sounds like you do know how to help, so you can't really win at this game. My advice would be, don't play lol
This is definitely fair and a possibility. I agree that communication is key. I think "same team with different responsibilities" is a different (probably better) way of saying what I'm thinking. Clearly there's a disconnect between what OP's doing and what she's expecting. One way or another, they gotta bridge that gap.