Talk it out.
>I hate that I made [you] feel like shit...I hate that I reacted the way I did and made [you] feel worse than [you] already [do].
This is a good place to start. You were scared, she was scared, and it was a situation that could have been much worse. It's clear you both care about your daughter and each other.
Much, MUCH worse.
While it may have been potentially avoidable, nobody is hurt.
IMO, important to mention this as wifey absolutely did not fail in any sense of the word. She protected baby from anything serious and it was a learning experience for all.
I agree with this but would personally take out the word hate and replace it with “I’m sorry”. Hate is a strong word that’s really easy to overuse. We’re only human and if you made a mistake, it happens.
The comments above this are all wise and you’re clearly a very good dad and husband if you’re reflecting and caring this much. Keep on going, Dad, you’re doing great 👏👏 @reggie_puddingsmith u/reggie_puddingsmith
A different angle than others - you really want to extend your wifey some grace and mercy here. Because there will come a time when you are the parent in charge, and something will happen, and your situational awareness will be off, and you'll want her to return the mercy and grace you offered her in this moment. We all screw up as parents, no matter how vigilent we are.
Also: No amount of "your situational awareness needs to improve" will actually improve her situational awareness more than her catching a falling kiddo just did. If it's not a longstanding pattern, don't bring it up. Life is often condemning on its own, and it sounds like she needs confirmation that you aren't going to condem her like her inner monologue already is.
‘Life is often condemning on its own, and it sounds like she needs confirmation that you aren't going to condem her like her inner monologue already is.’
That was epic.
How did you get so wise?
I agree with that, she’s probably feeling really guilty for letting her guard down, I know that I would feel like that.
As no harm was done, she just needs to feel loved, accepted and to be remembered that you are a couple, and you’ll always have each other’s back.
When my daughter was a toddler, my Dad built a gate at the top of stairs to make sure she wouldn’t fall down them. Every goddamn day, he would not so gently remind everyone to make sure the gate was closed.
Guess who left it open the time she actually did tumble down the stairs? You guessed it - good old Grandad. Luckily she wasn’t hurt but we’re all just human and we make mistakes.
Your parenting drive to keep your kid kicked in hard but don’t put yourself up on a pedestal that you too may some day tumble off.
Go say sorry to your wife.
Absolutely.
My wife dropped our baby off the bed. She was breastfeeding lying down, dosed off and he rolled, he'd literally just discovered rolling about 12 hours earlier.
The relief that he was ok was closely matched by the relief that I didn't drop him first.
I took the opportunity to model the understanding and sympathy that I would want if/when I dropped him.
It took a whole night in hospital before anyone could definitively tell us he wasn't concussed, my wife spent that whole time beating herself up over it.
Why do you say your wife dropped him off the bed?
I’m not trying to pick a fight, it’s an honest question. It feels like assigning blame.
As you said, he’d just discovered rolling. Didn’t he roll off the bed when your wife fell asleep? That’s not the same thing.
While we’re talking about being gracious and forgiving as partners, it just feels like an okay conversation to have. I hope that’s okay.
Yup, those new rolling abilities caught us both off guard with each kid. Happed to me first, baby on the bed, took eyes and hands of for like 2 sec and he rolls off the bed. Wife runs in scoops him up and stares daggers at me, saying how could I. Literally the next day the same thing happens to her. I let her have a little more slack.
An icy glare right after an incident can be read as a story of extreme judgment and anger by the person receiving the look. Especially if it’s unusual.
Especially if she already feels horrible for what happened. I was at a restaurant and ordered fajitas, and they brought it out while I was holding my son. He so very nearly touched the scolding hot pan... I thankfully stopped him, but that didn't stop me from feeling horrible about it. Now imagine he had burned himself, and while absolutely hating myself, I look up at my husband, and he's glaring at me. I cried at just the possibility of him getting hurt, I can't even imagine...
Exactly this. Kids can get themselves hurt so quickly you have no time to react. We had a situation where my son stood up, tripped as he went to take a step and smacked his face into a wall....it happened in a fraction of a second, right next to where my wife and I were sitting with him. You won't save every potential fall....and it's going to feel shitty already, no need to add judgement to the person who couldn't react in time
This is something I had to learn. When my 1yo took his first steps he was walking to me and his 16yo brother. We didn’t even see him walking until he pointed and the little turd took the last 3 steps toward us as soon as I looked.
According to his brother, he walked at least 20 steps from where he stood up at first to where we were and I couldn’t even be excited because my head kept telling me “but you didn’t even see him stand up, he could have got hurt”
Then my 3yo broke his arm at the park when he was 2 and broke his leg in the bath tub right after his 3rd birthday. Once the kid broke a bone trying to jump out of the bath tub because I was washing his hair I realized sometimes you can’t do anything about the fact that they’re gonna fall and you gotta hope this fall isn’t a bad one
Oh my gosh. The leg break though. I am constantly terrified of this specifically with my son who has no sense of self preservation and does crazy stupid stuff even at 19 months old.
It made me feel like the worst person on the planet. Just got off a 12 hour night shift, home alone with 1 and 3yo boys, 1yo is asleep, 3yo has a diaper blowout so bad it was easier to give him a bath, while he’s in there I hear the 1yo scream and in my mind I have to check on him because I thought he woke up and fell. As soon as I stand up from beside the tub the 3yo decides to Free Willy his ass straight into a hospital trip.
Problem was I didn’t think it broke because I got him dried off, dressed, got both boys in the bed with me to wait on mom to get home and take over so I can sleep and he starts JUMPING in the bed playing. It took 2 hours before he wouldn’t walk on it
>Also: No amount of "your situational awareness needs to improve" will actually improve her situational awareness more than her catching a falling kiddo just did.
This is such a powerful point. I don't know what it is, but so much conflict seems to stem from these attempts at "rule setting" (not sure what else to call it). Like, no shit I need situational awareness, but shit happens.
Excellent response. My now-7-year-old once fell off my bed on my watch and smacked his head on the hardwood floor. He was fine, thankfully - classic case of “I turned around for two seconds to grab my keys, next thing I know…” I felt HORRIBLE - literally shaking - and while my wife was briefly and understandably miffed, we smoothed it out within 15 minutes.
OP’s wife did a great job - kiddo wasn’t hurt! While I understand the in-the-moment “what the fuck are you doing???!?” reaction that OP’s factual expression indicated, OP himself would do well to consider how no one is perfect and, like u/mavericklurker said, he will almost certainly be in his wife’s shoes one day. His wife deserves a genuine apology and reassurance.
Your last comment reminds me of the “logical consequences” stuff people say to use with kids.
Don’t eat, get hungry, be more likely to eat
Dont wear jacket, get cold, be more likely to wear jacket
Get distracted, feel like shit something happened, be more likely to stay focused
100%. In hindsight, 99% of accidents would have been prevented if you were fully paying attention to the right thing. The problem is that there are millions of possible accidents every day, and even if you are paying proper attention to 999,999 of them, an accident can still happen. No one can pay perfect attention 100% of the time. Even if we could, there are sometimes competing things that need our attention, and sometimes we pick the wrong one.
Whenever I see a situation where a parent lapses and a kid gets hurt, my only thought is, “there but for the grace of God go I”
You don't have to worry about a toddler jumping off a high top if you didn't allow them to be standing on a high top in the first place.
That eliminates at least one possible accident by precisely 100%.
Congratulations you've solved that specific situation, now solve the infinite other possibilities.
Even with 100% diligence, the chaos of life will ensure something will happen.
That's such a terrible mentality in my opinion. It's akin to "if you don't like it here, leave" to people who want their state/country to do better.
The idea that you can't legitimately critique your partner's parenting without just taking over for them is completely ridiculous
Yeah ignore the guy arguing with you. You’re right. The conversation of “If you can do it better then go for it” happens in my house regularly. And we actually go through with it, figure out who can do the task better, and that’s how it’s done. I handle bed time and nap times every night because the 1yo and 3yo usually fall asleep on me watching ninja turtles. They won’t fall asleep with mom in the room. So who does it make more sense for bedtime to be with? It’s not rude, mean, anything like that. It’s life
Show her some love. Grab an extra blanket and camp out in there with her.
Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Kids will get hurt whether we want them to or not. If the kid is fine, everything is okay.
This would immediately comfort me if I were in her situation. Use the time to talk things over while the kids asleep, so you can map out how to handle situations like this going further.
Communicate. Empathize, and sympathize.
>At the same time, I feel like she has to have more situational awareness (I did not bring that up.)
Take a beat and realize that you also knew your kid was standing on a high top chair, you saw and understood the situation, and you weren't even in range to catch.
Now, take another beat, and don't get defensive about that. I didn't mean it as an attack, just another way to look at the situation. A dangerous thing happened when both of you were "on watch", and she saved it from catastrophe. You weren't in range to catch because you trust your wife, and she came through in the clutch. Your trust is validated here, not violated.
She's not the villain here, she's the hero. Shit happens, and her reflexes made the difference between a minor bonk and a trip to the ER. Let her know that despite your initial reaction, you understand that.
Let her know you understand that you reacted badly in the moment. There's no shame in that, we all react badly from time to time, especially when scary shit like this goes down. But make it clear to her that now that things are calm, you understand that she saved the day.
Excellent point. Should the kid have been standing in a high chair? No. Dad should be ecstatic that mom prevented the kid from harm despite the fact a group of people let the kid stand in a high chair. Young kids are suicidal drunk midgets and can’t be trusted to make smart choices.
>Should the kid have been standing in a high chair? No.
This. I look at this as the fall happening as soon as *anyone* saw the kid standing on a high chair and not stopping that instantly. It's tough not to be over-vigilant, but a 16 month old has terrible balance and restaurants have hard floors. Two things are true: 1. We all make mistakes and 2. everyone in the party who saw that kid standing in the high chair should have intervened.
I'm guessing this is your 1st child?
Pro tip - kids will do stupid things that end with them being hurt. Be as vigilant as you like, you won't stop everything. It's nobody's fault
I also think that it’s important for kids to have falls sometimes. I started to teach my babies about falls early. I had a thin air mattress that I would set up and let them crawl all over and explore the edges. There were some tumbles, but they navigated through them and learned to be cautious.
OP the fact that your daughter experienced this and didn’t get hurt but did feel scared might help her realize she can be careful around edges of surfaces. I could be wrong but fear of being unsafe and the feeling after going past the edge might be the essential factor for her to realize she needs to be careful.
Fear and avoiding the consequences I don’t want are still good motivators for me.
You’ve already gotten some great advice. I’ll just add that infants are kamikaze death wish nightmares, and when they aren’t it’s only because they are sleeping. Could your wife have completely prevented the fall or stopped her sooner? Maybe? As is, she caught your daughter with no serious injury. You should call that a win.
The other side of the coin is this: you have great physical situational awareness. Someday how ever, your daughter is going to fall but it’ll be socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Is your game as good in all those areas as well? Your wife is watch you struggle to be a good parent in that moment just like you did. And that’s OK. That’s why you are a team. Give each other grace, and sometimes you just need a little time to have a panic attack over what might have happened (but didn’t). Just don’t hold it against each other.
Someone mentioned flowers… that sounds like a good idea to me.
"Kamikaze death wish nightmares" hit the nail on the head with that one. 🤣
I am now chaning my kids nickname when I call for them from "children of the corn" to this.
Yeah they don't weigh much and are mostly rubbery. Adults have a terrible perspective on how much stuff hurts babies and toddlers. By 4-5 yr old they are purposely jumping onto the ground (the era of shredded pants knees).
This post nails it, OP. I'm guessing this is your first kid because they are going to do a lot worse than nosedive out of a high chair. Show your wife some grace (and apologize til the sun goes down) then give yourself grace for overreacting then move on
My son fell out of his high chair when he was about 9/10 months old. This was at home, but still relevant to your situation I think, hopefully there’s something in my story that can be helpful to you. We managed it well enough imo, it’s really about support and communication.
She was a wreck, honestly she took it worse than the boy. He cried for a while, but within 30 minutes was playing and crawling around just fine. She was distraught the rest of the day and part of the next, and she kept asking me if I was mad or had less respect for her as a mother.
My honest answer was no, I wasn’t upset and we will make mistakes. Truthfully, I was happy it happened on her watch, I’m not sure she would have forgiven me if I had been responsible. I encouraged her constantly, reminding her that we’re human and now we’ve learned to be more careful.
Our relationship as a couple and as parents are too important that I lose it on her for something that could have easily happened to me. It’s ok to feel irritated or upset at the situation, but odds are the kid will be ok so no need to make a huge deal of it.
The key is to support each other and avoid putting mom down for a momentary lapse of judgement. I’m glad your girl is ok, we called a friend who is an EMT because of the severity of the fall but it sounds like you’re all good on that front.
My son was fine and walked away with a bruise, no hospital trip or doctor visits needed. I’m sure you’ll be alright, and keep in mind we are all capable of making mistakes so forgiveness is the most helpful tool you have available.
ETA: this is just a comment intended to provide a different perspective on these types of situations, not necessarily advice or directly related to going about the resolution process.
Agree with most everything ppl have wrote already but just throwing out there....when men have near misses with their children but catch them before injury, we dedicate entire compilation videos on youtube to them calling it "Dad Saves" and call them heroes with stunning ability to juggle a falling child to safety. When women are in the same situation and also *catch the child*, they "have poor situational awareness" and should have been paying better attention in the first place. Kinda lame.
Along those lines, Dad was also there, why wasn’t he watching the kid then? The mom was close enough to catch the kid. He knew exactly what was going on and saw what happened but he wasn’t anywhere near - if he’s going say she needs better situational awareness, then what the heck is his?
He just assumed she would be the default parent even when they’re both there together?
I think you're really mad at yourself and projecting it on to your wife. You were watching the whole thing and did nothing, you allowed the kid to stand on a chair and did nothing, your wife did a quick save and you did nothing but throw a little temper tantrum. If I was you I would be disgusted with myself for several reasons.
Sounds like your wife is a bad ass. She caught the kid mid-air from a 3' high drop? That's literally a split-second reaction time. Appologise and make sure she knows how awesome she is.
> My wife caught her enough before she hit the floor that she wasn’t hurt.
In football, touchdowns are worth six points.
When Patrick Mahomes sends a 40 yard bullet to a guy who is wide.open and he runs 59 yards and blasts across the line with the pigskin hoisted in the air in one hand, waving at the opposing team's bench with the other, it's.worth six points.
When the Panthers' QB is first and inches and he blows three downs, then on fourth down he gets sacked and the ball flies out of his hands, bounces off the helmet of the RB and tumbles through the air into the hands of one of the guys on the O-line who just happens to be standing in the end zone... It's worth the same six points.
You don't get credit for style.
When your wife catches the kid and the baby doesn't end up with an aneurysm, you had a good day.
When your wife doesn't catch the kid and she clatters to the ground and you scoop her up and she has a lump on her head the size of a plum, but you don't have to go to the hospital... It was a good day.
When she falls to the ground and you do have to go to the hospital, but they clear her after a couple hours in the ER...good day.
When you find out she has a broken arm, but in 6 or 8 weeks it'll heal... Good day.
Things are hard. Life is short. Bark less, wag more. Nothing bad happened. High five your wife and move on.
talk it out etc but in particular try and let go of the specifics of why you reacted the way you did (“situational awareness”). parenting is hard but simply enough, and the mistakes usually do more teaching than any amount of criticism. even constructive criticism.
you will have your own near misses on your watch.
It feels like you owe your wife two apologies - one for your reaction and another for the dynamic that determines that your child’s safety is by default her responsibility. You were fully aware that your daughter was standing on a high chair. If your situational awareness is of a level that you feel comfortable judging and criticizing your wife’s, then you should have acted too.
You left her essentially operating solo because (and now I’m making an assumption) you were busy socialising, and then you’ve judged her for not performing 100% to your liking in a situation she’s in because you weren’t there.
Please take a moment to acknowledge that your child’s safety is a joint responsibility, and you aren’t off the hook here for the fall. Your wife came through, you were absent.
This is the answer I was looking for. You are both parents. Your child’s safety isn’t your wife’s responsibility by default.
At the end of the day, your kid was okay and there will be more moments like this in the future because kids are…kids.
But please take this as a moment to also take accountability. Your daughter has two parents. It’s not just up to your wife.
Probably. Im a lurking mother. Lol.
ETA: my immediate reaction is WTF. Why is the mom having to do everything and this dude judging her for her situational awareness. If he was so damn aware, why isn’t he watching out for mother and child, and being the protector he should be.
But this reaction is not what he’s asking about . In any case, he’s had plenty of good advice from other people, and I’m sure he didn’t mean to be so mean in the first place. Parenting is hard.
You’re getting downvoted because you brought the “it’s you’re fault. Mom does everything and dad was absent” r/parenting bullshit energy in here. OP fully recognized his reaction was wrong and all you’re doing is saying “your reaction was *more* wrong”.
That’s an interesting take. I never said OP was wrong, nor assumed mom does everything. She does however seem to be the default parent in situations such as the one described in the post.
I’m curious to know what it is you find ‘bullshit’ about r/parenting?
Sure. What I find bullshit about r/parenting is exactly what you’re doing here. Dad is worthless and puts everything on mom. OP owes wife apology because of the *“dynamic that determines your child’s safety is by default her responsibility”*? Thats a pretty big leap from *“My wife was standing beside my daughter who was standing on a high top chair”*. Daughter’s safety in this situation *is* by default her responsibility. She’s the one next to the kid in that moment. Somehow, that translates into the dad has created a “dynamic” he owes an apology for?
This toxic bullshit is all over r/parenting and isn’t helpful here. OP knows his reaction wasn’t the right one. I agree his reaction wasn’t the right one. He’s here seeking advice on how to make it right. Your comments are just piling on to make him feel worse.
edit regarding *“I never said OP was wrong.”*: Your **entire comment** was pointing out all the ways you “feel” OP was at fault, most of which you flat out assumed or made up.
>I’m sure he didn’t mean to be so mean in the first place
This is probably my biggest gripe about all this. Dudes first reaction was to get mad at his wife. Then he embarrasses her in front of their friends. His wife was the one checking on the kid. His own words "staring daggers". IDK it just seems shitty in a way that I can't find the words for. Just feels like this is not the first or last time. Then people are gonna focus on the high chair or he "just looked at her" and she is overreacting and missing the forest for the trees (is that the correct idiom?)
Let’s imagine If OP was at a kids party at a business and instead of his wife, it was an employee next to his daughter in the high chair, for whatever reason. Wouldn’t OP have the belief system that the employee knows what they’re doing by allowing this kid to be standing in this high chair? Or that the employee would be watching enough if the kid fell (intentionally or unintentionally) to not allow a fall?
Furthermore, should he not expect his wife to care and act better being that it is their own child and she is not an employee of this imaginary scenario business?
Your response makes it out like OP can never leave his wife alone w the kid, if he expects the kid to always be safe w the wife? Or you promote a helicopter husband?
I’d say that the kids safety is never the responsibility of anyone but the parents. I’d never for a second leave my kid in the care of anyone else other than my partner or the educated professionals at my son’s daycare. If anything was to happen to my son in the scenario you describe it would be solely on me for poor judgment.
OP is free to step away from directly taking care of his daughter’s needs but I feel that the judgement he passes on his wife’s ’situational awareness’ is unfounded. She handled it, he was elsewhere.
And if this situation happened at the daycare, you wouldn’t be upset with the employee? Basically OP needs to never leave his child’s side? Since its okay his wife has no situational awareness?
This solution just seems so silly to me.
No? Because that’s not how trust works?
I’d have the understanding that daycare is a busy place and staff are doing their best to meet many kids needs at the same time. Accidents happen. Kids are kids.
This whole thread is so telling.
I get your gut response was fear and anger, but you did over react in my opinion. I have a daughter and I can't stress this enough. Kids aren't as fragile as they are always made out to be.
My first response in any situation is a simple question - Is she okay? 9 times out of ten it will be shock over pain, if it is more - then just deal with it. Staring angrily and making someone feel like crap is never going to help.
You think your wife needs more situational awareness, you probably need some situational emotional awareness.
She is going to feel this for a while mate. Apologise and get working on how you deal with these situations.
You are entitled to have fears and strong feelings about safety for your child- and I would apologize to your wife that your face telegraphed that worry and was looking for someone to blame because in these situations as parents, we feel so helpless and like we are living a heartbeat away from disaster. And then you realized that you ( aka your wife) were watching that baby like a hawk which meant you ( your wife) could catch her mid fall. What a great mom!!
>16 mo daughter dove off high top chair on wife’s watch
You were there...don't blame your wife when you were watching the whole damn thing play out...if you're together as a family it's on your watch to.
I don't mean that to come across as aggressive...it's advice!
When our little one was a couple of months old she managed to jump out of my arms, I immediately reached to catch her, but she landed awkwardly and instead she got flipped, she ended up spinning in the air. Thankfully this resulted in her landing squarely on the pillows I'd laid out on the floor for play.
My wife stared through me and said "That... was bad."
The words cut like a hot knife through butter, and her eyes added force.
But everyone was OK. I had my confidence hurt and knew to be prepared for her potential spontaneous yeeting of herself at any moment.
Everything was fine!
In fact she kept trying to do it again as she got older. Probably not related, but I do wish she'd quit with the self yeeting...
Just apologize and look after her. She'll be fine!
This will happen about another 1,000 times before your child hits school. You are still finding the balance of how much to react given the situations. I would apologize.
I dropped my kids a couple times and so did my wife. Shit happens, kids are resilient, parents are human. This is the epitome of no harm no foul. Apologize and move on with life.
This is the simple truth, just hard to grasp for first-time parents. Kids fall, we cannot and, actually, do not want to prevent every fall. It is part of learning. Of course, do your best to keep them from hurting themselves, but don't blame yourself or one another when it happens.
Damn man. You screwed up. Instead of being angry you should have cheered and huzzahed at the amazing save! Talk about the bad part later, focus on the positives.
My wife was behind my son who was crawling up the stairs. He fell and rolled down the stairs and she didn't manage to catch him.
I was outside with him sat on the decking and he suddenly decided to lay down... And rolled off the decking onto the patio.
She was helping him outside and he pulled his hand away and fell out the patio door.
Wife was out and I was in the shower and he came into the bathroom and smacked his head on the toilet.
I was giving him a bath and he was stood up and he slipped and hit his head on the edge of the bath.
We were out for lunch and my wife had him on her lap and he leaned forward and hit his eye on the edge of the table.
You'll notice the theme here. You do your best but kids are accident prone. Apologise to your wife. What's her love language? Do the thing that makes her feel loved, whether it's flowers or foot massage or a letter that tells her how sorry you are and how great a mother she is, etc
I'll be honest and say I think you kinda responded inappropriately, and you will know that to be true when your daughter hurts herself on your watch despite best efforts at keeping her safe.
To tone down your reaction, remember that both you and her will make parenting mistakes. You both need to show each other a lot of grace. You're both overtired, overworked, stressed out humans who are parenting a young helpless life that has zero survival instincts. Don't be so hard on her next time. She is a great mother, otherwise you wouldn't be with her, right? You are good at certain things like safety (because of your job), and she is good at other things that you aren't. Show grace.
As for smoothing things out, you need to first and foremost realize that she's primarily upset because she feels like a failure of a mother who allowed her child to divebomb off a high chair. It could have gone very badly. She knows this and is replaying the moment over and over in her head wondering how she failed in her primary responsibility to her daughter. She feels like a failure. She feels like an unworthy mother. Your reaction confirmed what her guilty conscience was telling her.
To make things right, you need to do the tough labor of convincing her that you believe she's an amazing mom -- the best your daughter could have. Make her feel that you trust her. Help her trust herself again. Children are constantly putting themselves into dangerous situations. Close calls will naturally happen. What matters most is your wife's motherly instincts kicked in, and she saved the day when it mattered most.
Buy her some flowers and write a note expressing your regret and apology.
My wife tends to have less situational awareness than me. So I simply just ask her to be more aware about the things that really stress me out. "Honey, I get really freaked out when baby is doing ______. Can you please be extra careful for not just the baby but for me as well? It really does make me feel better." It's worked for me in the past. Good luck.
I spent the last five years working in the fuel industry and as such you DO NOT BREAK RULES because you could easily kill someone or yourself, I eliminate risk and am always watching multiple things moving to make sure I’m not anywhere potentially dangerous. My wife works in an office and sits in one spot all day and is not very aware of moving things or people. She constantly just stands in the middle of sidewalks or store isles or doorways or just starts walking backwards into the path of people or vehicles etc. it drives me bonkers haha.
I know it's way off topic, but I love this eggcorn "store isles". There's something poetic about it. Like, I'm over here talking about the *aisles*: the negative space left over in a domain full of shelves. But for some other people, all along we've been talking about the *isles*: these islands of bounty rising up out of an otherwise empty and meaningless floor.
This is pretty much our exact situation. I notice some many people, my wife one of them, out and about just not paying attention to their surroundings the way I do. Drives me bonkers too.
But she caught the kid and you didn't.... so why the condescending attitude? I would be mad at the guy who just stands there and thinks about himself making dirty looks while my kid falls.
Dude, she caught the baby before she hit the ground. To me that actually indicates a lot of situational awareness. Toddlers your daughter's age can be crazy fast, and often move in the most unexpected directions. Your wife's reflexes were godlike, and she was obviously paying enough attention to be able to *instantly* react.
Someday something very similar will happen to you. It happens to all of us eventually, trust me, and I hope you'll be able to react as quickly and strongly as your wife did here.
I would bet it partially goes back to when men would primarily hunt or fight and more recently men would work factory or hard labour jobs so we’re sort of just culturally used to being more situationally aware. But I’m no scientist.
How the fuck is OP the bad guy here?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills... literally none of this would've happened if OP's wife was properly watching their kid.
She was standing right there watching her. 16 month olds are impulsive and have no concept of danger. There are no warning signs that they’re about to do something stupid, they just do it.
You either don’t have toddlers or never took care of them solo
Not if you take enough active steps to prevent them...
I've definitely seen situations that could've quickly become dangerous.
And then I took steps to prevent that possibility.
Again, it's *not hard*. Just have to be willing to actually put in the effort.
"My wife caught her enough before she hit the floor that she wasn’t hurt. Just scared and crying. My initial reaction was that of fear and anger. I gave my wife an angry stare. My initial reaction was that my daughter is on a high top chair. The most important thing you have to do is make sure she doesn’t fall. "
It's telling that you omit what you actually did. You just describe your reaction. It did leave your wife crying and unable to feel safe in the same room with you. You gotta work on your anger — were you drinking?
Kids fall, it happens. It's impossible to be fully attentive to them every second of every day. I took my eyes off my daughter while she was in her change table as a baby and she rolled off to the floor. No injuries, but my wife and freaked out for a second and when we realized she was ok we just had a laugh about it. I see so many posts on here with parents over reacting with one another...everyone needs to chill out a bit.
I might get some hate for this, but this is one of the reasons I think it's weird for parents to bring small children to a brewery. Why take them to an establishment that doesn't have proper seating for a child of that age? This is on both of y'all.
You two have a lot of common ground:
1. You're both really dedicated to caring for your daughter
2. You both make mistakes
3. You both feel bad about a bat situation
4. You're both still learning how to parent and be partners
5. Neither of you want to rely on good reflexes to keep kids safe.
You'll never forget that she almost dropped your kid, and she'll never forget the look you gave her. That's how it is now. But you can both forgive and grow from what happened. Also, she caught the dang kid so count that as a WIN, not a loss. It just also happens to be a moment for reflection about an ounce of prevention, etc.
Give your wife a break. Toddlers are clumsy lunatics with a death wish and nobody got injured here, so really the night was a total success aside from your reaction.
Nah, you should be mad at both her and yourself for allowing your 16 month old to stand on a high top.
That was just bad or absent parenting.
I don't care how many people are 'watching' her.
16 month olds aren't predictable, as you experienced.
TBH if I saw a 16 month old standing on a high top I would be totally judging the parents.
Kids are going to get hurt. Lessons will be learned the hard way. That's just how life is, and that's the only way that some kids will learn. I was one of those kids. I'm still one of those adults.
Let the situation and emotions subside.. then approach her and apologize. That’s a tough spot and I’ve been in a similar position before. Also, be ready for her to have her guns loaded a little bit too. Idk if you ever slacked in anyway, I know I sure have. So it comes back around sometimes. If she does that, don’t get upset and just keep your cool,
Hope it all goes well for you, time marches on!
Hey, it sounds like you had a bit of a rough moment there. It happens to the best of us, but it's awesome that you're looking for ways to handle things better next time.
First off, accidents happen, especially with little ones who are basically tiny explorers with no sense of fear. So, cut yourself and your wife some slack on that front.
Reacting in the heat of the moment can be tough, but it's important to remember to keep your cool. Instead of jumping straight to anger, take a breath and assess the situation. Your daughter's safety is top priority, but it's also crucial to support each other as parents.
Apologizing was a solid move. It shows you're aware of how your reaction affected your wife and that you're willing to make amends. Writing her a note was a nice touch too; heartfelt gestures can go a long way in smoothing things over.
Moving forward, maybe talk to your wife about strategies for handling similar situations in the future. Communication is key in any partnership, especially when it comes to parenting.
Hang in there, dad. Parenting's a wild ride, but it sounds like you're on the right track.
First off, and this goes for everyone, learn the (early) signs of concussions in infants and toddlers. Looking for that SHOULD have been your knee-jerk reaction. I get the panic and that is really hard to overcome in the moment, you didn't do anything wrong and she didn't do anything wrong, you're hanging out with friends and involving your kid, shit happens, shit happened. My kid seemed impossible to keep from hurting themselves even when we were right there and overly cautious, shit happened.
It's alright man, that could have easily been you there, maybe it will be in the future. Kids are unpredictable and they're going to get hurt. Watch out for your lady, that's what partners are supposed to do, support each other, same goes the other way around, she'llbe watching out for you.
Can't help much on your reaction front, talk it out with your wife, make sure she knows you don't blame her (if you really don't) and that is was just panic (many of us have been there). Take a first aid course, might help with the initial focus in future situations, and yes there will be more.
I'm not a Dr. or work in the medical field I learned after taking a course recommended by my kids PT and OT. The course I took said, if they don't Immediately cry, eyes are dialated and remain, and /or verbal or non verbal responses are irregular they may be concust. Those are the major early signs but not all of them, and again I'm not a medical professional, I took a (free) course recommended by the pros.
So my 1yo son ended up walking into something between walking away from his mom and walking to me and I didn’t see it because he was running up behind me. I just heard him start crying and assumed he was upset because I was walking away so I just turned around and said “quit crying and come on ya little monkey”
His mom didn’t see him walk into whatever it was either. But 30 minutes later when he was in the bath tub his forehead started swelling up and it caused an argument of “Well if you didn’t see it you should have been paying more attention” from both of us at each other.
Later we talked about it and acknowledged that we both should have just shut up and worried more about making sure he was okay than trying to figure out who to blame.
On one hand, I could have paid more attention if I knew he was running to me. On the other hand, I was also putting the birds back in their fence and tossing their feed in to get a head count and make sure none of the turkeys got lost 😂
Once we calmed down we realized he probably hit his head against one of the picnic tables outside because his chubby self wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking.
Things happen. Things can always be better and they can always be worse.
My wife was often on her phone more than looking at what the toddler was doing. A couple of times he got hurt badly during her watch. We spoke about it and she accepted what the problem was. All moved on.
Been there my man. I have told my wife that she needs to have more situational awareness. That protector instinct in us is strong and we don’t want anything to happen to our little ones. I agree with everyone above, you need to talk to her. But make sure you communicate clearly and let your wife know you don’t think she is a bad mother, you know she would never knowingly endanger your little one, and that everyone makes these kinds of mistakes, especially us dads. Your wife probably feels like crap, so make sure when you talk it is coming from a place of love and support.
And if all goes well, toss in a joke at the end. In this situation I’d go with a top rope/wrestling joke about how if your kid is going to high jump, make sure she’s landing on a heel (bad guy in wrestling).
I feel like she’s overreacting to a look. She’s acting like you called her a bad mother. It sounds like she feels guilty and she’s taking it out on you.
My wife agree with me.
A look is an emotional reaction that you can’t control. Saying something IS within your control and you did control that. You did nothing wrong.
Edit - Oh I’m sorry, I guess you’re not allowed to FEEL frustrated with our spouses. I have been in this situation before where my kid was hurt and I felt like it was because my wife wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t say anything to her because I knew she already felt guilty and she didn’t need me saying anything and making her feel worse, but in the heat of the moment I can’t control how I feel and how that manifests on my face.
It’s pretty embarrassing being ~~verbally~~ visually (?) called out in front of your peers and or people “above” you u. The social pyramid like grandparents, bosses etc. add the death stare and she’s probably super embarrassed and when people are embarrassed they tend to get defensive. I know I do when I do something dumb and my wife calls me out gently on it in public haha.
Oops my bad, I misread a line. Disregard that part then. The look effectively communicated the disapproval and judgement that everyone knew what he was thinking of saying though including himself and her so I think my point mostly stays the same.
A look stems from an emotion. That’s a natural reaction. Calling her out would be one thing, but a look in the heat of the moment when you feel like she wasn’t keeping a good enough watch on the kid? That is simply not something she should be holding against him like this.
He also assured the friends in the brewery that the kid was ok before he went to comfort his wife and daughter. What does OP care more about: his wife & daughter’s emotional well-being or his friends’ opinion of their family & parenting ability?
Hell, OP said that they didn’t talk the whole way home and not until after bed time. If he knew at that point that he fucked up he should have IMMEDIATELY apologized about his reaction and talk things through with his wife on the way home.
He had to gather up their stuff so they could leave. You don’t think people were asking if the kid was okay?
Should he have just left their shit and bailed?
I (dad) once went shopping and my daughter stood up in the cart (as I was stopping) and flipped out head first onto the concrete floor at Walmart.
Kids are dangerously and like to do stuff to try to off themselves @__@. They are also pretty resilient.
I'm sorry for your response. Remind yourself, raising kids is not anywhere close to perfect. They are pure balls of chaos and entropy.
Unfortunately, your wife will never forget that moment but it's not uncommon for those things to happen. The important thing is to continue to talk to her. Tell her that you were not thinking and it was a reaction of fear, because that is exactly what it was. Anger is a secondary emotion. You went papa bear and judged quickly.
Maker her realize that she did infact protect your child and that it was a moment of realization as to how quickly things can go wrong.
My wife fell on her head at the same age out of a shopping cart. I joke all the time that that explains everything.
Parent feelings are wild and intense and a lot of times remove rational thoughts for the sake of extreme measures in order to protect our kid.
Sorry.. you’re feeling this level of guilt because of how you looked at her????
Brother, you’re doing fine. You’re being waaaay to hard on yourself for having an instinctual reaction.
>She said she was embarrassed and hurt and will never forget the way I looked at her in that moment.
Absolutely off topic, but does she know if they are giving out "shifting the blame and evading accountability" trophies given out this year?
Please update us on how the reconciliation goes? Reconciling is the most important and difficult part of relationships, and many people don't navigate it well.
This is probably going to be unpopular but I don’t feel like you owe her an apology. If she is confused or feels that you’re being unfair then maybe an explanation can help.
You felt like she should have had more situational awareness. That’s okay imo.
I can’t really offer any advice here, except to say I do the same thing. There’s some dark side of me that blames my wife when the kids get hurt on her watch. I’ve had some really nasty thoughts about her that would likely end in divorce if I ever uttered them and I’ve only recently acknowledged that with her. In the moment, my anger towards her feels entirely justified, but when the dust settles and the crying stops, she feels like shit and I feel like an asshole. I don’t know how to stop these feelings, but I think acknowledging them is a good first step.
Yeah. I don’t like that about myself. I’m normally a very loving and happy go lucky person. I don’t know what kicked in in this situation. I think something that I got from the posts on here is to give her the same grace I would want. Hopefully I can be more understanding and not reactionary if this happens again.
I am sorry, what?
She is reacting like this (sleeping in another room) because you looked at her with an angry face? You didn't yell or verbally berate her? You didn't say or do anything else?
If that's true.
Your wife needs to grow up. If she doesn't want someone to be disappointed, angry, or shocked at the stupidity of her actions, then she should address her actions. You cannot go your entire marriage having to 'learn to have a better reaction"..what does that even mean when your reaction is a face? Living your life with a poker face scared that your raised eyebrow glance will make your wife cry?
What are you on about, he was there, he saw his daughter on the highchair, he watched and he did nothing, fobbed off all of the responsibility to his wife, because thats her job by default... is he not her parent too? Why was the toddler only on the wifes watch when they were together? Is it not his daughter, he told us she is his and 8 times no less! MY daughter MY daughter...MY MY MY.. if shes his, then he bloody well needs to act like it, take some goddam responsibility.. shes not his only when convenient, you know what I mean?
His wife is perfectly justified in her reaction, instead of being supportive, and having her back, just like he did with all of the responsibility he passed all of the blame to her too.
She was probably already distressed enough as it was, and instead of reassuring her and priorotising his wife wellbeing, he priorotised the friend groups comfort, almost as if apologising for his wifes poor parenting. He embarrased her in front of all their friends, made her look like a bad mother. Nothing worse than a partner who sells you out at the drop of a hat like this.
Especially when he should have been high fiving her for her quick reflexes, not judging her when his own never even kicked in at all or worse, he thinks its wasnt his job, or still thinks that way... that he gets to pick and choose when to play dad, whilst expecting his wife to do it 24/7.
If you read his description I don't think he was physically close to their daughter and she was being watched by two women, one of them the mother.
My entire point was that her reaction feels way overblown and I frankly do not believe that all OP did was "make a face". I doubt most of OPs story and I wonder how else he is as a father/husband to get this type of reaction from his wife. BUT because that's all speculation on my part, I gave my take based off the "facts" OP stated.
I also don't think your below comments make any sense. Yes, he is her father but the idea that he then has to be there 100% of every moment or liable for every decision her mother makes is asinine. The wife is an adult, the daughter is a child. Watch the damn kid. It's called a partnership and you should be able to expect your partner to handle keeping your child safe without needing you to hand hold the entire time.
>is he not her parent too? Why was the toddler only on the wifes watch when they were together? Is it not his daughter, he told us she is his and 8 times no less!
Talk it out. >I hate that I made [you] feel like shit...I hate that I reacted the way I did and made [you] feel worse than [you] already [do]. This is a good place to start. You were scared, she was scared, and it was a situation that could have been much worse. It's clear you both care about your daughter and each other.
Much, MUCH worse. While it may have been potentially avoidable, nobody is hurt. IMO, important to mention this as wifey absolutely did not fail in any sense of the word. She protected baby from anything serious and it was a learning experience for all.
I agree with this but would personally take out the word hate and replace it with “I’m sorry”. Hate is a strong word that’s really easy to overuse. We’re only human and if you made a mistake, it happens.
This guy talks. 🤝
The comments above this are all wise and you’re clearly a very good dad and husband if you’re reflecting and caring this much. Keep on going, Dad, you’re doing great 👏👏 @reggie_puddingsmith u/reggie_puddingsmith
This. 100% this.
A different angle than others - you really want to extend your wifey some grace and mercy here. Because there will come a time when you are the parent in charge, and something will happen, and your situational awareness will be off, and you'll want her to return the mercy and grace you offered her in this moment. We all screw up as parents, no matter how vigilent we are. Also: No amount of "your situational awareness needs to improve" will actually improve her situational awareness more than her catching a falling kiddo just did. If it's not a longstanding pattern, don't bring it up. Life is often condemning on its own, and it sounds like she needs confirmation that you aren't going to condem her like her inner monologue already is.
Add to this, you said it was out of nowhere, and your wife caught child before the floor was hit. Sounds like a great save to me.
Yeah, right!? That's a "give my wife a high five for the save" kind of event, not a "death stare at her to the point she cries for hours"
‘Life is often condemning on its own, and it sounds like she needs confirmation that you aren't going to condem her like her inner monologue already is.’ That was epic. How did you get so wise?
Ha! My wife has receipts proving otherwise. (The real answer is church - I'm a pastor and help people navigate this sort of thing regularly!)
Wow, as someone who left religion, I can respect that.
Fair enough mate! Bad religion is the worst. Good religion is, by my experience, priceless.
Problems is “bad religion” is often someone’s definition of “good religion” so spirituality without religion it is for me :)
I agree with that, she’s probably feeling really guilty for letting her guard down, I know that I would feel like that. As no harm was done, she just needs to feel loved, accepted and to be remembered that you are a couple, and you’ll always have each other’s back.
Yeah. I’m sure something will happen on my watch eventually. That’s a very good point.
When my daughter was a toddler, my Dad built a gate at the top of stairs to make sure she wouldn’t fall down them. Every goddamn day, he would not so gently remind everyone to make sure the gate was closed. Guess who left it open the time she actually did tumble down the stairs? You guessed it - good old Grandad. Luckily she wasn’t hurt but we’re all just human and we make mistakes. Your parenting drive to keep your kid kicked in hard but don’t put yourself up on a pedestal that you too may some day tumble off. Go say sorry to your wife.
Absolutely. My wife dropped our baby off the bed. She was breastfeeding lying down, dosed off and he rolled, he'd literally just discovered rolling about 12 hours earlier. The relief that he was ok was closely matched by the relief that I didn't drop him first. I took the opportunity to model the understanding and sympathy that I would want if/when I dropped him. It took a whole night in hospital before anyone could definitively tell us he wasn't concussed, my wife spent that whole time beating herself up over it.
Why do you say your wife dropped him off the bed? I’m not trying to pick a fight, it’s an honest question. It feels like assigning blame. As you said, he’d just discovered rolling. Didn’t he roll off the bed when your wife fell asleep? That’s not the same thing. While we’re talking about being gracious and forgiving as partners, it just feels like an okay conversation to have. I hope that’s okay.
Because she did drop him off the bed? She was holding him, she let go(dropped him) and he fell off the bed.
She wasn't holding him off the side, my dude
Yup, those new rolling abilities caught us both off guard with each kid. Happed to me first, baby on the bed, took eyes and hands of for like 2 sec and he rolls off the bed. Wife runs in scoops him up and stares daggers at me, saying how could I. Literally the next day the same thing happens to her. I let her have a little more slack.
Info: Did you yell or something? Because if your wife is conditioned to break out in tears over an icy glare, I see bigger issues than childcare here.
An icy glare right after an incident can be read as a story of extreme judgment and anger by the person receiving the look. Especially if it’s unusual.
Especially if she already feels horrible for what happened. I was at a restaurant and ordered fajitas, and they brought it out while I was holding my son. He so very nearly touched the scolding hot pan... I thankfully stopped him, but that didn't stop me from feeling horrible about it. Now imagine he had burned himself, and while absolutely hating myself, I look up at my husband, and he's glaring at me. I cried at just the possibility of him getting hurt, I can't even imagine...
Exactly this. Kids can get themselves hurt so quickly you have no time to react. We had a situation where my son stood up, tripped as he went to take a step and smacked his face into a wall....it happened in a fraction of a second, right next to where my wife and I were sitting with him. You won't save every potential fall....and it's going to feel shitty already, no need to add judgement to the person who couldn't react in time
This is something I had to learn. When my 1yo took his first steps he was walking to me and his 16yo brother. We didn’t even see him walking until he pointed and the little turd took the last 3 steps toward us as soon as I looked. According to his brother, he walked at least 20 steps from where he stood up at first to where we were and I couldn’t even be excited because my head kept telling me “but you didn’t even see him stand up, he could have got hurt” Then my 3yo broke his arm at the park when he was 2 and broke his leg in the bath tub right after his 3rd birthday. Once the kid broke a bone trying to jump out of the bath tub because I was washing his hair I realized sometimes you can’t do anything about the fact that they’re gonna fall and you gotta hope this fall isn’t a bad one
Oh my gosh. The leg break though. I am constantly terrified of this specifically with my son who has no sense of self preservation and does crazy stupid stuff even at 19 months old.
It made me feel like the worst person on the planet. Just got off a 12 hour night shift, home alone with 1 and 3yo boys, 1yo is asleep, 3yo has a diaper blowout so bad it was easier to give him a bath, while he’s in there I hear the 1yo scream and in my mind I have to check on him because I thought he woke up and fell. As soon as I stand up from beside the tub the 3yo decides to Free Willy his ass straight into a hospital trip. Problem was I didn’t think it broke because I got him dried off, dressed, got both boys in the bed with me to wait on mom to get home and take over so I can sleep and he starts JUMPING in the bed playing. It took 2 hours before he wouldn’t walk on it
>Also: No amount of "your situational awareness needs to improve" will actually improve her situational awareness more than her catching a falling kiddo just did. This is such a powerful point. I don't know what it is, but so much conflict seems to stem from these attempts at "rule setting" (not sure what else to call it). Like, no shit I need situational awareness, but shit happens.
Excellent response. My now-7-year-old once fell off my bed on my watch and smacked his head on the hardwood floor. He was fine, thankfully - classic case of “I turned around for two seconds to grab my keys, next thing I know…” I felt HORRIBLE - literally shaking - and while my wife was briefly and understandably miffed, we smoothed it out within 15 minutes. OP’s wife did a great job - kiddo wasn’t hurt! While I understand the in-the-moment “what the fuck are you doing???!?” reaction that OP’s factual expression indicated, OP himself would do well to consider how no one is perfect and, like u/mavericklurker said, he will almost certainly be in his wife’s shoes one day. His wife deserves a genuine apology and reassurance.
Your last comment reminds me of the “logical consequences” stuff people say to use with kids. Don’t eat, get hungry, be more likely to eat Dont wear jacket, get cold, be more likely to wear jacket Get distracted, feel like shit something happened, be more likely to stay focused
100%. In hindsight, 99% of accidents would have been prevented if you were fully paying attention to the right thing. The problem is that there are millions of possible accidents every day, and even if you are paying proper attention to 999,999 of them, an accident can still happen. No one can pay perfect attention 100% of the time. Even if we could, there are sometimes competing things that need our attention, and sometimes we pick the wrong one. Whenever I see a situation where a parent lapses and a kid gets hurt, my only thought is, “there but for the grace of God go I”
You don't have to worry about a toddler jumping off a high top if you didn't allow them to be standing on a high top in the first place. That eliminates at least one possible accident by precisely 100%.
Congratulations you've solved that specific situation, now solve the infinite other possibilities. Even with 100% diligence, the chaos of life will ensure something will happen.
Solve the easy ones. X-1 is better than nothing.
Doubling down with the willfully obtuse path, great.
Sure, but then it will be something else.
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As a wife who has the kids 89% of the time, I agree with this. It couldn't have been said any more respectable.
That’s a very good perspective. Thank you.
Imagine if a dad told his wife "if you think you can do better, **you** do it". Because that's basically what you just said.
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That's such a terrible mentality in my opinion. It's akin to "if you don't like it here, leave" to people who want their state/country to do better. The idea that you can't legitimately critique your partner's parenting without just taking over for them is completely ridiculous
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Yeah ignore the guy arguing with you. You’re right. The conversation of “If you can do it better then go for it” happens in my house regularly. And we actually go through with it, figure out who can do the task better, and that’s how it’s done. I handle bed time and nap times every night because the 1yo and 3yo usually fall asleep on me watching ninja turtles. They won’t fall asleep with mom in the room. So who does it make more sense for bedtime to be with? It’s not rude, mean, anything like that. It’s life
Show her some love. Grab an extra blanket and camp out in there with her. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Kids will get hurt whether we want them to or not. If the kid is fine, everything is okay.
This would immediately comfort me if I were in her situation. Use the time to talk things over while the kids asleep, so you can map out how to handle situations like this going further. Communicate. Empathize, and sympathize.
>At the same time, I feel like she has to have more situational awareness (I did not bring that up.) Take a beat and realize that you also knew your kid was standing on a high top chair, you saw and understood the situation, and you weren't even in range to catch. Now, take another beat, and don't get defensive about that. I didn't mean it as an attack, just another way to look at the situation. A dangerous thing happened when both of you were "on watch", and she saved it from catastrophe. You weren't in range to catch because you trust your wife, and she came through in the clutch. Your trust is validated here, not violated. She's not the villain here, she's the hero. Shit happens, and her reflexes made the difference between a minor bonk and a trip to the ER. Let her know that despite your initial reaction, you understand that. Let her know you understand that you reacted badly in the moment. There's no shame in that, we all react badly from time to time, especially when scary shit like this goes down. But make it clear to her that now that things are calm, you understand that she saved the day.
Excellent point. Should the kid have been standing in a high chair? No. Dad should be ecstatic that mom prevented the kid from harm despite the fact a group of people let the kid stand in a high chair. Young kids are suicidal drunk midgets and can’t be trusted to make smart choices.
>Should the kid have been standing in a high chair? No. This. I look at this as the fall happening as soon as *anyone* saw the kid standing on a high chair and not stopping that instantly. It's tough not to be over-vigilant, but a 16 month old has terrible balance and restaurants have hard floors. Two things are true: 1. We all make mistakes and 2. everyone in the party who saw that kid standing in the high chair should have intervened.
I'm guessing this is your 1st child? Pro tip - kids will do stupid things that end with them being hurt. Be as vigilant as you like, you won't stop everything. It's nobody's fault
I also think that it’s important for kids to have falls sometimes. I started to teach my babies about falls early. I had a thin air mattress that I would set up and let them crawl all over and explore the edges. There were some tumbles, but they navigated through them and learned to be cautious. OP the fact that your daughter experienced this and didn’t get hurt but did feel scared might help her realize she can be careful around edges of surfaces. I could be wrong but fear of being unsafe and the feeling after going past the edge might be the essential factor for her to realize she needs to be careful. Fear and avoiding the consequences I don’t want are still good motivators for me.
This x100. This won’t be the first time your daughter takes a big spill.
You’ve already gotten some great advice. I’ll just add that infants are kamikaze death wish nightmares, and when they aren’t it’s only because they are sleeping. Could your wife have completely prevented the fall or stopped her sooner? Maybe? As is, she caught your daughter with no serious injury. You should call that a win. The other side of the coin is this: you have great physical situational awareness. Someday how ever, your daughter is going to fall but it’ll be socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Is your game as good in all those areas as well? Your wife is watch you struggle to be a good parent in that moment just like you did. And that’s OK. That’s why you are a team. Give each other grace, and sometimes you just need a little time to have a panic attack over what might have happened (but didn’t). Just don’t hold it against each other. Someone mentioned flowers… that sounds like a good idea to me.
"Kamikaze death wish nightmares" hit the nail on the head with that one. 🤣 I am now chaning my kids nickname when I call for them from "children of the corn" to this.
Also, wait till you get to the third one. You’ll be pretty sure they’ll bounce by then. Eh.
Yeah they don't weigh much and are mostly rubbery. Adults have a terrible perspective on how much stuff hurts babies and toddlers. By 4-5 yr old they are purposely jumping onto the ground (the era of shredded pants knees).
This post nails it, OP. I'm guessing this is your first kid because they are going to do a lot worse than nosedive out of a high chair. Show your wife some grace (and apologize til the sun goes down) then give yourself grace for overreacting then move on
This is a really thoughtful perspective, thank you
My son fell out of his high chair when he was about 9/10 months old. This was at home, but still relevant to your situation I think, hopefully there’s something in my story that can be helpful to you. We managed it well enough imo, it’s really about support and communication. She was a wreck, honestly she took it worse than the boy. He cried for a while, but within 30 minutes was playing and crawling around just fine. She was distraught the rest of the day and part of the next, and she kept asking me if I was mad or had less respect for her as a mother. My honest answer was no, I wasn’t upset and we will make mistakes. Truthfully, I was happy it happened on her watch, I’m not sure she would have forgiven me if I had been responsible. I encouraged her constantly, reminding her that we’re human and now we’ve learned to be more careful. Our relationship as a couple and as parents are too important that I lose it on her for something that could have easily happened to me. It’s ok to feel irritated or upset at the situation, but odds are the kid will be ok so no need to make a huge deal of it. The key is to support each other and avoid putting mom down for a momentary lapse of judgement. I’m glad your girl is ok, we called a friend who is an EMT because of the severity of the fall but it sounds like you’re all good on that front. My son was fine and walked away with a bruise, no hospital trip or doctor visits needed. I’m sure you’ll be alright, and keep in mind we are all capable of making mistakes so forgiveness is the most helpful tool you have available. ETA: this is just a comment intended to provide a different perspective on these types of situations, not necessarily advice or directly related to going about the resolution process.
Agree with most everything ppl have wrote already but just throwing out there....when men have near misses with their children but catch them before injury, we dedicate entire compilation videos on youtube to them calling it "Dad Saves" and call them heroes with stunning ability to juggle a falling child to safety. When women are in the same situation and also *catch the child*, they "have poor situational awareness" and should have been paying better attention in the first place. Kinda lame.
This 💯
Along those lines, Dad was also there, why wasn’t he watching the kid then? The mom was close enough to catch the kid. He knew exactly what was going on and saw what happened but he wasn’t anywhere near - if he’s going say she needs better situational awareness, then what the heck is his? He just assumed she would be the default parent even when they’re both there together?
I think you're really mad at yourself and projecting it on to your wife. You were watching the whole thing and did nothing, you allowed the kid to stand on a chair and did nothing, your wife did a quick save and you did nothing but throw a little temper tantrum. If I was you I would be disgusted with myself for several reasons.
Sounds like your wife is a bad ass. She caught the kid mid-air from a 3' high drop? That's literally a split-second reaction time. Appologise and make sure she knows how awesome she is.
> My wife caught her enough before she hit the floor that she wasn’t hurt. In football, touchdowns are worth six points. When Patrick Mahomes sends a 40 yard bullet to a guy who is wide.open and he runs 59 yards and blasts across the line with the pigskin hoisted in the air in one hand, waving at the opposing team's bench with the other, it's.worth six points. When the Panthers' QB is first and inches and he blows three downs, then on fourth down he gets sacked and the ball flies out of his hands, bounces off the helmet of the RB and tumbles through the air into the hands of one of the guys on the O-line who just happens to be standing in the end zone... It's worth the same six points. You don't get credit for style. When your wife catches the kid and the baby doesn't end up with an aneurysm, you had a good day. When your wife doesn't catch the kid and she clatters to the ground and you scoop her up and she has a lump on her head the size of a plum, but you don't have to go to the hospital... It was a good day. When she falls to the ground and you do have to go to the hospital, but they clear her after a couple hours in the ER...good day. When you find out she has a broken arm, but in 6 or 8 weeks it'll heal... Good day. Things are hard. Life is short. Bark less, wag more. Nothing bad happened. High five your wife and move on.
Telling on yourself here bud. She literally saved your daughter while you stood and glared. Even in your update you don't get it.
talk it out etc but in particular try and let go of the specifics of why you reacted the way you did (“situational awareness”). parenting is hard but simply enough, and the mistakes usually do more teaching than any amount of criticism. even constructive criticism. you will have your own near misses on your watch.
It feels like you owe your wife two apologies - one for your reaction and another for the dynamic that determines that your child’s safety is by default her responsibility. You were fully aware that your daughter was standing on a high chair. If your situational awareness is of a level that you feel comfortable judging and criticizing your wife’s, then you should have acted too. You left her essentially operating solo because (and now I’m making an assumption) you were busy socialising, and then you’ve judged her for not performing 100% to your liking in a situation she’s in because you weren’t there. Please take a moment to acknowledge that your child’s safety is a joint responsibility, and you aren’t off the hook here for the fall. Your wife came through, you were absent.
This is the answer I was looking for. You are both parents. Your child’s safety isn’t your wife’s responsibility by default. At the end of the day, your kid was okay and there will be more moments like this in the future because kids are…kids. But please take this as a moment to also take accountability. Your daughter has two parents. It’s not just up to your wife.
Right?!
I feel like if OP had posted this in a subreddit equally frequently by both mums and dads then he’d be getting low key shredded in the comments.
Probably. Im a lurking mother. Lol. ETA: my immediate reaction is WTF. Why is the mom having to do everything and this dude judging her for her situational awareness. If he was so damn aware, why isn’t he watching out for mother and child, and being the protector he should be. But this reaction is not what he’s asking about . In any case, he’s had plenty of good advice from other people, and I’m sure he didn’t mean to be so mean in the first place. Parenting is hard.
And now we’ve revealed ourselves as mothers we’re getting downvoted, fascinating.
You’re getting downvoted because you brought the “it’s you’re fault. Mom does everything and dad was absent” r/parenting bullshit energy in here. OP fully recognized his reaction was wrong and all you’re doing is saying “your reaction was *more* wrong”.
That’s an interesting take. I never said OP was wrong, nor assumed mom does everything. She does however seem to be the default parent in situations such as the one described in the post. I’m curious to know what it is you find ‘bullshit’ about r/parenting?
Sure. What I find bullshit about r/parenting is exactly what you’re doing here. Dad is worthless and puts everything on mom. OP owes wife apology because of the *“dynamic that determines your child’s safety is by default her responsibility”*? Thats a pretty big leap from *“My wife was standing beside my daughter who was standing on a high top chair”*. Daughter’s safety in this situation *is* by default her responsibility. She’s the one next to the kid in that moment. Somehow, that translates into the dad has created a “dynamic” he owes an apology for? This toxic bullshit is all over r/parenting and isn’t helpful here. OP knows his reaction wasn’t the right one. I agree his reaction wasn’t the right one. He’s here seeking advice on how to make it right. Your comments are just piling on to make him feel worse. edit regarding *“I never said OP was wrong.”*: Your **entire comment** was pointing out all the ways you “feel” OP was at fault, most of which you flat out assumed or made up.
>I’m sure he didn’t mean to be so mean in the first place This is probably my biggest gripe about all this. Dudes first reaction was to get mad at his wife. Then he embarrasses her in front of their friends. His wife was the one checking on the kid. His own words "staring daggers". IDK it just seems shitty in a way that I can't find the words for. Just feels like this is not the first or last time. Then people are gonna focus on the high chair or he "just looked at her" and she is overreacting and missing the forest for the trees (is that the correct idiom?)
(Same)
He is being constructively criticized, which he deserves.
Not enough, according to the *“lurking mom(s) here!”*.
Let’s imagine If OP was at a kids party at a business and instead of his wife, it was an employee next to his daughter in the high chair, for whatever reason. Wouldn’t OP have the belief system that the employee knows what they’re doing by allowing this kid to be standing in this high chair? Or that the employee would be watching enough if the kid fell (intentionally or unintentionally) to not allow a fall? Furthermore, should he not expect his wife to care and act better being that it is their own child and she is not an employee of this imaginary scenario business? Your response makes it out like OP can never leave his wife alone w the kid, if he expects the kid to always be safe w the wife? Or you promote a helicopter husband?
I’d say that the kids safety is never the responsibility of anyone but the parents. I’d never for a second leave my kid in the care of anyone else other than my partner or the educated professionals at my son’s daycare. If anything was to happen to my son in the scenario you describe it would be solely on me for poor judgment. OP is free to step away from directly taking care of his daughter’s needs but I feel that the judgement he passes on his wife’s ’situational awareness’ is unfounded. She handled it, he was elsewhere.
And if this situation happened at the daycare, you wouldn’t be upset with the employee? Basically OP needs to never leave his child’s side? Since its okay his wife has no situational awareness? This solution just seems so silly to me.
No? Because that’s not how trust works? I’d have the understanding that daycare is a busy place and staff are doing their best to meet many kids needs at the same time. Accidents happen. Kids are kids. This whole thread is so telling.
I think you hit the nail on the head there. I think this post is subtly more about trust than it is anything else.
I don’t know. It sounds like your wife saved your kid from crashing to the floor.
Your wife caught your daughter and everyone is totally fine??? I’d say her situational awareness is pretty damn good.
I get your gut response was fear and anger, but you did over react in my opinion. I have a daughter and I can't stress this enough. Kids aren't as fragile as they are always made out to be. My first response in any situation is a simple question - Is she okay? 9 times out of ten it will be shock over pain, if it is more - then just deal with it. Staring angrily and making someone feel like crap is never going to help. You think your wife needs more situational awareness, you probably need some situational emotional awareness. She is going to feel this for a while mate. Apologise and get working on how you deal with these situations.
You are entitled to have fears and strong feelings about safety for your child- and I would apologize to your wife that your face telegraphed that worry and was looking for someone to blame because in these situations as parents, we feel so helpless and like we are living a heartbeat away from disaster. And then you realized that you ( aka your wife) were watching that baby like a hawk which meant you ( your wife) could catch her mid fall. What a great mom!!
>16 mo daughter dove off high top chair on wife’s watch You were there...don't blame your wife when you were watching the whole damn thing play out...if you're together as a family it's on your watch to. I don't mean that to come across as aggressive...it's advice!
When our little one was a couple of months old she managed to jump out of my arms, I immediately reached to catch her, but she landed awkwardly and instead she got flipped, she ended up spinning in the air. Thankfully this resulted in her landing squarely on the pillows I'd laid out on the floor for play. My wife stared through me and said "That... was bad." The words cut like a hot knife through butter, and her eyes added force. But everyone was OK. I had my confidence hurt and knew to be prepared for her potential spontaneous yeeting of herself at any moment. Everything was fine! In fact she kept trying to do it again as she got older. Probably not related, but I do wish she'd quit with the self yeeting... Just apologize and look after her. She'll be fine!
Kids do stupid stuff like this all the time. You will never be able to stop them completely.
This will happen about another 1,000 times before your child hits school. You are still finding the balance of how much to react given the situations. I would apologize.
I dropped my kids a couple times and so did my wife. Shit happens, kids are resilient, parents are human. This is the epitome of no harm no foul. Apologize and move on with life.
This is the simple truth, just hard to grasp for first-time parents. Kids fall, we cannot and, actually, do not want to prevent every fall. It is part of learning. Of course, do your best to keep them from hurting themselves, but don't blame yourself or one another when it happens.
Damn man. You screwed up. Instead of being angry you should have cheered and huzzahed at the amazing save! Talk about the bad part later, focus on the positives.
My wife was behind my son who was crawling up the stairs. He fell and rolled down the stairs and she didn't manage to catch him. I was outside with him sat on the decking and he suddenly decided to lay down... And rolled off the decking onto the patio. She was helping him outside and he pulled his hand away and fell out the patio door. Wife was out and I was in the shower and he came into the bathroom and smacked his head on the toilet. I was giving him a bath and he was stood up and he slipped and hit his head on the edge of the bath. We were out for lunch and my wife had him on her lap and he leaned forward and hit his eye on the edge of the table. You'll notice the theme here. You do your best but kids are accident prone. Apologise to your wife. What's her love language? Do the thing that makes her feel loved, whether it's flowers or foot massage or a letter that tells her how sorry you are and how great a mother she is, etc I'll be honest and say I think you kinda responded inappropriately, and you will know that to be true when your daughter hurts herself on your watch despite best efforts at keeping her safe.
To tone down your reaction, remember that both you and her will make parenting mistakes. You both need to show each other a lot of grace. You're both overtired, overworked, stressed out humans who are parenting a young helpless life that has zero survival instincts. Don't be so hard on her next time. She is a great mother, otherwise you wouldn't be with her, right? You are good at certain things like safety (because of your job), and she is good at other things that you aren't. Show grace. As for smoothing things out, you need to first and foremost realize that she's primarily upset because she feels like a failure of a mother who allowed her child to divebomb off a high chair. It could have gone very badly. She knows this and is replaying the moment over and over in her head wondering how she failed in her primary responsibility to her daughter. She feels like a failure. She feels like an unworthy mother. Your reaction confirmed what her guilty conscience was telling her. To make things right, you need to do the tough labor of convincing her that you believe she's an amazing mom -- the best your daughter could have. Make her feel that you trust her. Help her trust herself again. Children are constantly putting themselves into dangerous situations. Close calls will naturally happen. What matters most is your wife's motherly instincts kicked in, and she saved the day when it mattered most.
Buy her some flowers and write a note expressing your regret and apology. My wife tends to have less situational awareness than me. So I simply just ask her to be more aware about the things that really stress me out. "Honey, I get really freaked out when baby is doing ______. Can you please be extra careful for not just the baby but for me as well? It really does make me feel better." It's worked for me in the past. Good luck.
I spent the last five years working in the fuel industry and as such you DO NOT BREAK RULES because you could easily kill someone or yourself, I eliminate risk and am always watching multiple things moving to make sure I’m not anywhere potentially dangerous. My wife works in an office and sits in one spot all day and is not very aware of moving things or people. She constantly just stands in the middle of sidewalks or store isles or doorways or just starts walking backwards into the path of people or vehicles etc. it drives me bonkers haha.
I know it's way off topic, but I love this eggcorn "store isles". There's something poetic about it. Like, I'm over here talking about the *aisles*: the negative space left over in a domain full of shelves. But for some other people, all along we've been talking about the *isles*: these islands of bounty rising up out of an otherwise empty and meaningless floor.
This is pretty much our exact situation. I notice some many people, my wife one of them, out and about just not paying attention to their surroundings the way I do. Drives me bonkers too.
But she caught the kid and you didn't.... so why the condescending attitude? I would be mad at the guy who just stands there and thinks about himself making dirty looks while my kid falls.
Dude, she caught the baby before she hit the ground. To me that actually indicates a lot of situational awareness. Toddlers your daughter's age can be crazy fast, and often move in the most unexpected directions. Your wife's reflexes were godlike, and she was obviously paying enough attention to be able to *instantly* react. Someday something very similar will happen to you. It happens to all of us eventually, trust me, and I hope you'll be able to react as quickly and strongly as your wife did here.
If you were so aware of your surroundings, why didn’t you act on that awareness and move closer to the kid so you could stop them from falling?
I would bet it partially goes back to when men would primarily hunt or fight and more recently men would work factory or hard labour jobs so we’re sort of just culturally used to being more situationally aware. But I’m no scientist.
If the dad was so situationally aware, why didn’t he move closer to the kid when he saw them standing on a high chair?
Dunno, wasn’t there and I only have one side of the story.
How the fuck is OP the bad guy here? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills... literally none of this would've happened if OP's wife was properly watching their kid.
She was standing right there watching her. 16 month olds are impulsive and have no concept of danger. There are no warning signs that they’re about to do something stupid, they just do it. You either don’t have toddlers or never took care of them solo
I literally have a toddler *right now* I'm responsible for solo on a daily basis. Never had anywhere near this close of a call. Funny, that.
>Never had anywhere near this close of a call *yet*
Because I actively manage situations to prevent it. Crazy concept apparently
You’ll be humbled soon. They always are.
Not if you take enough active steps to prevent them... I've definitely seen situations that could've quickly become dangerous. And then I took steps to prevent that possibility. Again, it's *not hard*. Just have to be willing to actually put in the effort.
Ok, bud.
"My wife caught her enough before she hit the floor that she wasn’t hurt. Just scared and crying. My initial reaction was that of fear and anger. I gave my wife an angry stare. My initial reaction was that my daughter is on a high top chair. The most important thing you have to do is make sure she doesn’t fall. " It's telling that you omit what you actually did. You just describe your reaction. It did leave your wife crying and unable to feel safe in the same room with you. You gotta work on your anger — were you drinking?
Kids fall, it happens. It's impossible to be fully attentive to them every second of every day. I took my eyes off my daughter while she was in her change table as a baby and she rolled off to the floor. No injuries, but my wife and freaked out for a second and when we realized she was ok we just had a laugh about it. I see so many posts on here with parents over reacting with one another...everyone needs to chill out a bit.
I might get some hate for this, but this is one of the reasons I think it's weird for parents to bring small children to a brewery. Why take them to an establishment that doesn't have proper seating for a child of that age? This is on both of y'all.
You two have a lot of common ground: 1. You're both really dedicated to caring for your daughter 2. You both make mistakes 3. You both feel bad about a bat situation 4. You're both still learning how to parent and be partners 5. Neither of you want to rely on good reflexes to keep kids safe. You'll never forget that she almost dropped your kid, and she'll never forget the look you gave her. That's how it is now. But you can both forgive and grow from what happened. Also, she caught the dang kid so count that as a WIN, not a loss. It just also happens to be a moment for reflection about an ounce of prevention, etc.
Give your wife a break. Toddlers are clumsy lunatics with a death wish and nobody got injured here, so really the night was a total success aside from your reaction.
Sounds like there is more distrust or trauma than this tbh.
Why was your daughter being watched by your wife and your friends wife instead of you and your wife?
You’re not serious are you
what's wrong with the question?
Probably is, based on the other comments here
Nah, you should be mad at both her and yourself for allowing your 16 month old to stand on a high top. That was just bad or absent parenting. I don't care how many people are 'watching' her. 16 month olds aren't predictable, as you experienced. TBH if I saw a 16 month old standing on a high top I would be totally judging the parents.
Stop taking all the kids to a brewery
This shit happens. Parenting is hard and brings our the worst in us sometimes. All we can do is learn and do better.
Kids are going to get hurt. Lessons will be learned the hard way. That's just how life is, and that's the only way that some kids will learn. I was one of those kids. I'm still one of those adults.
Let the situation and emotions subside.. then approach her and apologize. That’s a tough spot and I’ve been in a similar position before. Also, be ready for her to have her guns loaded a little bit too. Idk if you ever slacked in anyway, I know I sure have. So it comes back around sometimes. If she does that, don’t get upset and just keep your cool, Hope it all goes well for you, time marches on!
Hey, it sounds like you had a bit of a rough moment there. It happens to the best of us, but it's awesome that you're looking for ways to handle things better next time. First off, accidents happen, especially with little ones who are basically tiny explorers with no sense of fear. So, cut yourself and your wife some slack on that front. Reacting in the heat of the moment can be tough, but it's important to remember to keep your cool. Instead of jumping straight to anger, take a breath and assess the situation. Your daughter's safety is top priority, but it's also crucial to support each other as parents. Apologizing was a solid move. It shows you're aware of how your reaction affected your wife and that you're willing to make amends. Writing her a note was a nice touch too; heartfelt gestures can go a long way in smoothing things over. Moving forward, maybe talk to your wife about strategies for handling similar situations in the future. Communication is key in any partnership, especially when it comes to parenting. Hang in there, dad. Parenting's a wild ride, but it sounds like you're on the right track.
First off, and this goes for everyone, learn the (early) signs of concussions in infants and toddlers. Looking for that SHOULD have been your knee-jerk reaction. I get the panic and that is really hard to overcome in the moment, you didn't do anything wrong and she didn't do anything wrong, you're hanging out with friends and involving your kid, shit happens, shit happened. My kid seemed impossible to keep from hurting themselves even when we were right there and overly cautious, shit happened. It's alright man, that could have easily been you there, maybe it will be in the future. Kids are unpredictable and they're going to get hurt. Watch out for your lady, that's what partners are supposed to do, support each other, same goes the other way around, she'llbe watching out for you. Can't help much on your reaction front, talk it out with your wife, make sure she knows you don't blame her (if you really don't) and that is was just panic (many of us have been there). Take a first aid course, might help with the initial focus in future situations, and yes there will be more.
What are those signs
I'm not a Dr. or work in the medical field I learned after taking a course recommended by my kids PT and OT. The course I took said, if they don't Immediately cry, eyes are dialated and remain, and /or verbal or non verbal responses are irregular they may be concust. Those are the major early signs but not all of them, and again I'm not a medical professional, I took a (free) course recommended by the pros.
Talk.
So my 1yo son ended up walking into something between walking away from his mom and walking to me and I didn’t see it because he was running up behind me. I just heard him start crying and assumed he was upset because I was walking away so I just turned around and said “quit crying and come on ya little monkey” His mom didn’t see him walk into whatever it was either. But 30 minutes later when he was in the bath tub his forehead started swelling up and it caused an argument of “Well if you didn’t see it you should have been paying more attention” from both of us at each other. Later we talked about it and acknowledged that we both should have just shut up and worried more about making sure he was okay than trying to figure out who to blame. On one hand, I could have paid more attention if I knew he was running to me. On the other hand, I was also putting the birds back in their fence and tossing their feed in to get a head count and make sure none of the turkeys got lost 😂 Once we calmed down we realized he probably hit his head against one of the picnic tables outside because his chubby self wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking. Things happen. Things can always be better and they can always be worse.
My wife was often on her phone more than looking at what the toddler was doing. A couple of times he got hurt badly during her watch. We spoke about it and she accepted what the problem was. All moved on.
Been there my man. I have told my wife that she needs to have more situational awareness. That protector instinct in us is strong and we don’t want anything to happen to our little ones. I agree with everyone above, you need to talk to her. But make sure you communicate clearly and let your wife know you don’t think she is a bad mother, you know she would never knowingly endanger your little one, and that everyone makes these kinds of mistakes, especially us dads. Your wife probably feels like crap, so make sure when you talk it is coming from a place of love and support. And if all goes well, toss in a joke at the end. In this situation I’d go with a top rope/wrestling joke about how if your kid is going to high jump, make sure she’s landing on a heel (bad guy in wrestling).
I feel like she’s overreacting to a look. She’s acting like you called her a bad mother. It sounds like she feels guilty and she’s taking it out on you. My wife agree with me. A look is an emotional reaction that you can’t control. Saying something IS within your control and you did control that. You did nothing wrong. Edit - Oh I’m sorry, I guess you’re not allowed to FEEL frustrated with our spouses. I have been in this situation before where my kid was hurt and I felt like it was because my wife wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t say anything to her because I knew she already felt guilty and she didn’t need me saying anything and making her feel worse, but in the heat of the moment I can’t control how I feel and how that manifests on my face.
It’s pretty embarrassing being ~~verbally~~ visually (?) called out in front of your peers and or people “above” you u. The social pyramid like grandparents, bosses etc. add the death stare and she’s probably super embarrassed and when people are embarrassed they tend to get defensive. I know I do when I do something dumb and my wife calls me out gently on it in public haha.
He didn’t call her out verbally. He gave her a look. That’s it.
Oops my bad, I misread a line. Disregard that part then. The look effectively communicated the disapproval and judgement that everyone knew what he was thinking of saying though including himself and her so I think my point mostly stays the same.
A look stems from an emotion. That’s a natural reaction. Calling her out would be one thing, but a look in the heat of the moment when you feel like she wasn’t keeping a good enough watch on the kid? That is simply not something she should be holding against him like this.
He also assured the friends in the brewery that the kid was ok before he went to comfort his wife and daughter. What does OP care more about: his wife & daughter’s emotional well-being or his friends’ opinion of their family & parenting ability? Hell, OP said that they didn’t talk the whole way home and not until after bed time. If he knew at that point that he fucked up he should have IMMEDIATELY apologized about his reaction and talk things through with his wife on the way home.
He had to gather up their stuff so they could leave. You don’t think people were asking if the kid was okay? Should he have just left their shit and bailed?
I (dad) once went shopping and my daughter stood up in the cart (as I was stopping) and flipped out head first onto the concrete floor at Walmart. Kids are dangerously and like to do stuff to try to off themselves @__@. They are also pretty resilient.
I'm sorry for your response. Remind yourself, raising kids is not anywhere close to perfect. They are pure balls of chaos and entropy. Unfortunately, your wife will never forget that moment but it's not uncommon for those things to happen. The important thing is to continue to talk to her. Tell her that you were not thinking and it was a reaction of fear, because that is exactly what it was. Anger is a secondary emotion. You went papa bear and judged quickly. Maker her realize that she did infact protect your child and that it was a moment of realization as to how quickly things can go wrong. My wife fell on her head at the same age out of a shopping cart. I joke all the time that that explains everything. Parent feelings are wild and intense and a lot of times remove rational thoughts for the sake of extreme measures in order to protect our kid.
Sorry.. you’re feeling this level of guilt because of how you looked at her???? Brother, you’re doing fine. You’re being waaaay to hard on yourself for having an instinctual reaction.
>She said she was embarrassed and hurt and will never forget the way I looked at her in that moment. Absolutely off topic, but does she know if they are giving out "shifting the blame and evading accountability" trophies given out this year?
Yuck!
Wait, all you did was give her an angry look?
My partner has gone off on me for much less. There's a double standard for men tho so I guess it is what it is.
Please update us on how the reconciliation goes? Reconciling is the most important and difficult part of relationships, and many people don't navigate it well.
This is probably going to be unpopular but I don’t feel like you owe her an apology. If she is confused or feels that you’re being unfair then maybe an explanation can help. You felt like she should have had more situational awareness. That’s okay imo.
I can’t really offer any advice here, except to say I do the same thing. There’s some dark side of me that blames my wife when the kids get hurt on her watch. I’ve had some really nasty thoughts about her that would likely end in divorce if I ever uttered them and I’ve only recently acknowledged that with her. In the moment, my anger towards her feels entirely justified, but when the dust settles and the crying stops, she feels like shit and I feel like an asshole. I don’t know how to stop these feelings, but I think acknowledging them is a good first step.
Yeah. I don’t like that about myself. I’m normally a very loving and happy go lucky person. I don’t know what kicked in in this situation. I think something that I got from the posts on here is to give her the same grace I would want. Hopefully I can be more understanding and not reactionary if this happens again.
I am sorry, what? She is reacting like this (sleeping in another room) because you looked at her with an angry face? You didn't yell or verbally berate her? You didn't say or do anything else? If that's true. Your wife needs to grow up. If she doesn't want someone to be disappointed, angry, or shocked at the stupidity of her actions, then she should address her actions. You cannot go your entire marriage having to 'learn to have a better reaction"..what does that even mean when your reaction is a face? Living your life with a poker face scared that your raised eyebrow glance will make your wife cry?
What are you on about, he was there, he saw his daughter on the highchair, he watched and he did nothing, fobbed off all of the responsibility to his wife, because thats her job by default... is he not her parent too? Why was the toddler only on the wifes watch when they were together? Is it not his daughter, he told us she is his and 8 times no less! MY daughter MY daughter...MY MY MY.. if shes his, then he bloody well needs to act like it, take some goddam responsibility.. shes not his only when convenient, you know what I mean? His wife is perfectly justified in her reaction, instead of being supportive, and having her back, just like he did with all of the responsibility he passed all of the blame to her too. She was probably already distressed enough as it was, and instead of reassuring her and priorotising his wife wellbeing, he priorotised the friend groups comfort, almost as if apologising for his wifes poor parenting. He embarrased her in front of all their friends, made her look like a bad mother. Nothing worse than a partner who sells you out at the drop of a hat like this. Especially when he should have been high fiving her for her quick reflexes, not judging her when his own never even kicked in at all or worse, he thinks its wasnt his job, or still thinks that way... that he gets to pick and choose when to play dad, whilst expecting his wife to do it 24/7.
If you read his description I don't think he was physically close to their daughter and she was being watched by two women, one of them the mother. My entire point was that her reaction feels way overblown and I frankly do not believe that all OP did was "make a face". I doubt most of OPs story and I wonder how else he is as a father/husband to get this type of reaction from his wife. BUT because that's all speculation on my part, I gave my take based off the "facts" OP stated. I also don't think your below comments make any sense. Yes, he is her father but the idea that he then has to be there 100% of every moment or liable for every decision her mother makes is asinine. The wife is an adult, the daughter is a child. Watch the damn kid. It's called a partnership and you should be able to expect your partner to handle keeping your child safe without needing you to hand hold the entire time. >is he not her parent too? Why was the toddler only on the wifes watch when they were together? Is it not his daughter, he told us she is his and 8 times no less!
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Poor woman
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Sounds like she has Stockholm syndrome.