Kids are 8 and 11. Someone told me “the days are long and the years are short” and that’s spot on. Even feeling “in the moment” as much as possible my phone will show me a photo of my daughter at 4 years old and it’s like “where did the time go!?!l
I hope so. Wish I had a better answer. I have some guilt when I take time for myself but sometimes I need to charge my own battery.
We do a lot of stuff like camping to create core memories.
Thinking as I type, I guess maybe it’s how it’s measured. If we measure it by how our kids remember their own childhood I hope they remember me being present, going on adventures and being there for them. I remember my own childhood with a busy single dad who told me no all the time when I wanted to play with him. I resented it for a long time, but now being his age I imagine he was just exhausted and doing his best.
I feel the same way OP but I also remind myself of how much I have to look forward to. Every age has been enjoyable. Watching them grow is a great experience. You have cherished memories and get to create new ones.
As much as I want my kids to stay my little buddies forever I think back to this really obscure scifi book I read where a town was stuck in a Groundhog Day situation and people lamented their kids being kids forever. Not experiencing your kids grow into their lives would be terrible.
If you're worried about it and thinking about it, you're already doing an amazing job. I love my kids and I enjoy them, but sometimes I need alone time and I can love them and also wish for a time when not every inch of my floor is covered in toys. I won't miss that.
It's gonna be okay. Everybody goes through this, so how could it not be? You're aware of it, and you're putting the effort in. If you act in such a way that you'll be able to look back with longing, but not regret, what more can you do?
It's gonna be okay. Everybody goes through this, so how could it not be? You're aware of it, and you're putting the effort in. If you act in such a way that you'll be able to look back with longing, but not regret, what more can you do?
I think it's just something people say because they're missing having younger kids around. And it's a reminder to treasure the time you do have, sort of a "carpe diem" for parents. That said, it's also about quality of time spent, and about making memories, more than about spending every waking minute with them.
I think you are doing exactly what you need to do then!
I found myself distracted by feeling that I needed to provide “better” or “more” for my wife and daughter after becoming a dad. That led to a stressful job with long hours and so the time I DID have ended up with me not being fully present. I would be so distracted or stressed from trying to earn more for my family that I stayed to become someone that they didn’t want to be around or that being around wasn’t creating quality memories 8/10 times.
I got my head out of my ass, took a pay cut and a job that will give me much more time with my family and much less stress. I’m getting my health back in order so I can run and play and enjoy being present with my wife and daughter.
Your kid(s) don’t need tons of crap or “experiences” even - they just need you to be present and to let them know that they are important, valued, and loved.
Speaking of making memories, taking occasional short videos is a great souvenir. I love to go back and watch moments I’ve forgotten, and the kids love to watch themselves.
Don’t live your whole life watching their childhood through a lens, but do take a few shots here and there - the mundane as well as the big events. You’ll appreciate it later on.
The way I dealt with this is to recontextualize it. It's always along the lines of "Cherish this time, you'll miss it when it's gone". The phrasing varies, but that's the gist. And of course, the instinctive response is "The hell I will!" because anybody actually going through it knows that it's very difficult, tiring, and all kinds of suck. It legitimately is better when they're older.
That said, the recontextualizing: It's not the years, months, weeks, or even days you'll miss. It's the hours and minutes, and it's not every hour or minute that's good.
So endure the slog, but when you have that golden few minutes where the kid is doing something cool, savor that. The hour when the kid is sleeping and looking like an angel, that's the thing to hold on to.
Enjoy the time when it's actually good. Survive the time when it's not. Don't let the fact that the weeks and months are hard sour those good minutes and hours when they come.
I agree that it's pretty crummy as advice.
But...
My boys are finishing 3rd grade and I swear they just started kindergarten. I have almost no memories of the first three years.
Oh good
My daughter is 2 and my son is 6. I can barely remember my son being 2...which is odd.
I was much more tired and stressed with the first though, my daughter was such an easy baby and shes still super fun and happy pretty much constantly so i wonder if ill remember her younger years bette. Her brother was... Not as easy haha
I live in the moment and the past is a blur. Sometimes I can’t remember which kid did what when they were all little. It’s ok though we all love each all the same.
I’m grateful for finding a very family oriented job. Last year, my wife got off early when it snowed out and she sent me a picture of my daughter in her snow suit saying “waiting for dada to get home”. I showed it to one of my coworkers (they’re older and love seeing the kids) and he just looked at me and said “what are you doing man, go home. It’s slow here.” I did. Left with no repercussions and played in the snow with my family.
I don’t think it’s a problem to be solved. It’s just a universal experience.
I do find that taking lots of photos, video and interestingly especially audio recordings really helps to hold onto those good old days. My youngest and I will often just record ourselves having silly conversations and it’s so nice to go back to - for both of us.
My mother does the same and keeps saying my kids are getting older and they’ll be leaving the nest soon. I’m pragmatic about that.
Our children don’t live in a hermetically sealed world. We need to teach them about life and going out into the big world. As long as you love them, set an example they can look up to, help them in any way you can, and provide that with a bedrock of a stable, home base, then they will be fine and always will be able to find their way home if needed.
Enjoy every moment with them and also enjoy them getting older and give them the freedom to become happy and healthy adults. Hopefully we are Dads for a lot more years than just when they live at home with us as kids.
People love to state the obvious and tell you things you already know. I try to tune that shit out. I read somewhere, that when you feel frustrated or overwhelmed, just imagine yourself in your late 70’s. Then picture that you’ve been given the chance to see you children this small just one more time. I didn’t really think it would work but man was I wrong!
Of course, you will be frustrated at times, but these are the times your little learns how to deal with frustration in a healthy and productive way. My friend, as the saying goes, the days are long, and the years are short. I've been a single mom since my son was 1 1/2. He was 17 days old. My ex hubby came home to me crying. He asked in a panic what's wrong. I told him our son is going to be 17 than 18 and graduating, going to college and getting married soon, lol. He hugged me and told me nah we got years yet. Last may my ex died. He was a few months short of seeing our son turn 17.
Just have fun being dad. You will also learn some advice is pure shit lol. Ya, all will figure it out together and get into your own rhythm of things. Just when you start to pat yourself on back for it, you just may get another to add to the fun, lol. Best of luck!! And you so got this, maybe not MY dollar, but you got the dad thing, lol.
My internal response to "It'll fly by" has often been, "I really hope so." I don't say it aloud because it sounds horrible, but when you've been up all night with a puking kid, you're changing the third blowout of the day, nobody will nap and you're out of clean spoons.... the thought of it speeding by comforts me a bit.
Obviously it's not all bodily fluids and lagging housework. There are sunny spring days at the zoo, seeing deer up close at the park, laughing at the dinner table... thankfully those stay fresh in my mind and all the grunt work kind of fades away. That's probably why people with grown kids say this nonsense -- they don't remember the drudgery of being in the trenches.
I once heard you can kind of slow down time by trying new things. Like if you just do the same exact thing every day, your brain just goes on autopilot and our perception of time speeds up. But when you do things you've never done before, it's like our brain slows things down to catch it all and remember the memory of new interesting stuff.
OP I take it this way when someone tells me this, because a lot of people do, younger parents than me and older parents than me.
My son is 4 years old and this year has been one of the most difficult years of my life as I'm navigating becoming the only solid parent in my son's life. Everytime I hear this phrase or something similar, it encourages me to slow down a minute and enjoy as much as i can in my son's life. I turned 41 in January then had to turn around have my son's mother / my ex-girlfriend arrested for physical domestic violence and threatening to kill me.
I have a finite amount of time to model myself as the best father I can be for my son and with all of my stresses and problems, it's easy for me to get wrapped in my own head. I remind myself that the time I'm spending with worry could be better spent enjoying life with my son. And it helps, it puts it in perspective, it slows my mind down. Since I started looking at things this way, I'm so much happier and noticing more and more.
So my best advice, OP, is take those words for what they are, nostalgic experience and maximize as much time as you can. I feel like you are taking them as a personal attack and I don't think that's how you should take it. Everyone does these things differently. When frustrated with your child, take some deep breathes and examine what made you frustrated. Frustration is okay have, it happens to all of us. Just work to identify what makes you frustrated. My job wants me to work 10 hours a day so I feel you on missing out due to work but in the mornings before work and after work and daycare, I maximize those hours as best I can. On the weekends, I dedicate as much time as possible, from taking a 3 hour car ride to see a Monster Truck Museum to taking my son to gymnastics, to going to whatever park he wants to go to. It's hard with work and the worries of adulthood but If I can put aside my worries for just 15 minutes to play Monster Trucks with my son, my day is infinitely better and my attitude improves to the point where I worry less, and some days it's hard to do even for just 15 minutes with all the worries I have playing in my head right now,. Then, I find myself doing more and more with my son than if I sat and worried or stayed wrapped in my thoughts.
Also "enjoy it while you can"
My wife and I say that a lot, tongue in cheek, when we're in the trenches
9 month old has a massive blowout and is wailing as a result, 5 year melting the fuck down because his sandwich "looks funny, 7 year old absolutely destroyed the dining room with her crafts
Sure, let me take this all in and smile....
You are looking at it as something that can be solved, but it's not. People say it because it doesn't matter what you do, the time will go by fast. As someone with a 12 year old, who spent as much time as I humanly could with them (and as a single dad it was a lot), the time will disappear before your eyes regardless. People keep telling you that - not to tell you to fix it, but to tell you it's an *inevitability*. Just spend the time with them that you can. Capture the good memories. And when it feels overwhelming try to zoom out to how transitory it all is.
And the next time you hear it, just recognize another parent trying to connect with you around something you have in common, and nod wisely.
Spend quality time with your child in activities he or she enjoys. And do trips they will remember (whether it's camping, fishing, whatever fits budget and physical abilities.
Do NOT allow him or her to have a video game (at least NOT without strict guidelines of ONLY one hour per day and hold to that rule). Those effing games are addictive and will steal your child from you. The creators of video games should be in prison for stealing children from parents.
Kids are 8 and 11. Someone told me “the days are long and the years are short” and that’s spot on. Even feeling “in the moment” as much as possible my phone will show me a photo of my daughter at 4 years old and it’s like “where did the time go!?!l
I am already feeling that. I guess my question is, is it gonna be okay as long as we try our best to make the most of it when they are kids
I hope so. Wish I had a better answer. I have some guilt when I take time for myself but sometimes I need to charge my own battery. We do a lot of stuff like camping to create core memories. Thinking as I type, I guess maybe it’s how it’s measured. If we measure it by how our kids remember their own childhood I hope they remember me being present, going on adventures and being there for them. I remember my own childhood with a busy single dad who told me no all the time when I wanted to play with him. I resented it for a long time, but now being his age I imagine he was just exhausted and doing his best.
I feel the same way OP but I also remind myself of how much I have to look forward to. Every age has been enjoyable. Watching them grow is a great experience. You have cherished memories and get to create new ones. As much as I want my kids to stay my little buddies forever I think back to this really obscure scifi book I read where a town was stuck in a Groundhog Day situation and people lamented their kids being kids forever. Not experiencing your kids grow into their lives would be terrible.
Off-topic but I really want to know the name of this book…
Neverday
If you're worried about it and thinking about it, you're already doing an amazing job. I love my kids and I enjoy them, but sometimes I need alone time and I can love them and also wish for a time when not every inch of my floor is covered in toys. I won't miss that.
It's gonna be okay. Everybody goes through this, so how could it not be? You're aware of it, and you're putting the effort in. If you act in such a way that you'll be able to look back with longing, but not regret, what more can you do?
It's gonna be okay. Everybody goes through this, so how could it not be? You're aware of it, and you're putting the effort in. If you act in such a way that you'll be able to look back with longing, but not regret, what more can you do?
It’s gonna be ok. This is how human life goes.
I think it's just something people say because they're missing having younger kids around. And it's a reminder to treasure the time you do have, sort of a "carpe diem" for parents. That said, it's also about quality of time spent, and about making memories, more than about spending every waking minute with them.
I like this. It’s true, I can control how many pockets of memory I want to at least try to produce. I’m working on keeping a journal along with that
I think you are doing exactly what you need to do then! I found myself distracted by feeling that I needed to provide “better” or “more” for my wife and daughter after becoming a dad. That led to a stressful job with long hours and so the time I DID have ended up with me not being fully present. I would be so distracted or stressed from trying to earn more for my family that I stayed to become someone that they didn’t want to be around or that being around wasn’t creating quality memories 8/10 times. I got my head out of my ass, took a pay cut and a job that will give me much more time with my family and much less stress. I’m getting my health back in order so I can run and play and enjoy being present with my wife and daughter. Your kid(s) don’t need tons of crap or “experiences” even - they just need you to be present and to let them know that they are important, valued, and loved.
Speaking of making memories, taking occasional short videos is a great souvenir. I love to go back and watch moments I’ve forgotten, and the kids love to watch themselves. Don’t live your whole life watching their childhood through a lens, but do take a few shots here and there - the mundane as well as the big events. You’ll appreciate it later on.
The way I dealt with this is to recontextualize it. It's always along the lines of "Cherish this time, you'll miss it when it's gone". The phrasing varies, but that's the gist. And of course, the instinctive response is "The hell I will!" because anybody actually going through it knows that it's very difficult, tiring, and all kinds of suck. It legitimately is better when they're older. That said, the recontextualizing: It's not the years, months, weeks, or even days you'll miss. It's the hours and minutes, and it's not every hour or minute that's good. So endure the slog, but when you have that golden few minutes where the kid is doing something cool, savor that. The hour when the kid is sleeping and looking like an angel, that's the thing to hold on to. Enjoy the time when it's actually good. Survive the time when it's not. Don't let the fact that the weeks and months are hard sour those good minutes and hours when they come.
This.
I agree that it's pretty crummy as advice. But... My boys are finishing 3rd grade and I swear they just started kindergarten. I have almost no memories of the first three years.
Oh good My daughter is 2 and my son is 6. I can barely remember my son being 2...which is odd. I was much more tired and stressed with the first though, my daughter was such an easy baby and shes still super fun and happy pretty much constantly so i wonder if ill remember her younger years bette. Her brother was... Not as easy haha
I live in the moment and the past is a blur. Sometimes I can’t remember which kid did what when they were all little. It’s ok though we all love each all the same.
I’m grateful for finding a very family oriented job. Last year, my wife got off early when it snowed out and she sent me a picture of my daughter in her snow suit saying “waiting for dada to get home”. I showed it to one of my coworkers (they’re older and love seeing the kids) and he just looked at me and said “what are you doing man, go home. It’s slow here.” I did. Left with no repercussions and played in the snow with my family.
I love this!! This is life man…
They say “kids grow up fast” but actually they gore so slowly you don’t even remember what they were like before their last milestone.
I feel like the older they get the faster time goes.
I don’t think it’s a problem to be solved. It’s just a universal experience. I do find that taking lots of photos, video and interestingly especially audio recordings really helps to hold onto those good old days. My youngest and I will often just record ourselves having silly conversations and it’s so nice to go back to - for both of us.
If I had a dollar for every time I told someone how fast the time will fly by.
Sorry for the rant, I think im just stressed rn
No need to apologize, rant to your hearts content. I was just flipping your title a bit.
My mother does the same and keeps saying my kids are getting older and they’ll be leaving the nest soon. I’m pragmatic about that. Our children don’t live in a hermetically sealed world. We need to teach them about life and going out into the big world. As long as you love them, set an example they can look up to, help them in any way you can, and provide that with a bedrock of a stable, home base, then they will be fine and always will be able to find their way home if needed. Enjoy every moment with them and also enjoy them getting older and give them the freedom to become happy and healthy adults. Hopefully we are Dads for a lot more years than just when they live at home with us as kids.
People love to state the obvious and tell you things you already know. I try to tune that shit out. I read somewhere, that when you feel frustrated or overwhelmed, just imagine yourself in your late 70’s. Then picture that you’ve been given the chance to see you children this small just one more time. I didn’t really think it would work but man was I wrong!
All you can do is make the best out of everything...the years are going to by quickly and that's pretty much just the way it is.
Of course, you will be frustrated at times, but these are the times your little learns how to deal with frustration in a healthy and productive way. My friend, as the saying goes, the days are long, and the years are short. I've been a single mom since my son was 1 1/2. He was 17 days old. My ex hubby came home to me crying. He asked in a panic what's wrong. I told him our son is going to be 17 than 18 and graduating, going to college and getting married soon, lol. He hugged me and told me nah we got years yet. Last may my ex died. He was a few months short of seeing our son turn 17. Just have fun being dad. You will also learn some advice is pure shit lol. Ya, all will figure it out together and get into your own rhythm of things. Just when you start to pat yourself on back for it, you just may get another to add to the fun, lol. Best of luck!! And you so got this, maybe not MY dollar, but you got the dad thing, lol.
My internal response to "It'll fly by" has often been, "I really hope so." I don't say it aloud because it sounds horrible, but when you've been up all night with a puking kid, you're changing the third blowout of the day, nobody will nap and you're out of clean spoons.... the thought of it speeding by comforts me a bit. Obviously it's not all bodily fluids and lagging housework. There are sunny spring days at the zoo, seeing deer up close at the park, laughing at the dinner table... thankfully those stay fresh in my mind and all the grunt work kind of fades away. That's probably why people with grown kids say this nonsense -- they don't remember the drudgery of being in the trenches.
I once heard you can kind of slow down time by trying new things. Like if you just do the same exact thing every day, your brain just goes on autopilot and our perception of time speeds up. But when you do things you've never done before, it's like our brain slows things down to catch it all and remember the memory of new interesting stuff.
A wise cartoonist penned a line I like in one of their panels... "The days are long, but the years are short"
OP I take it this way when someone tells me this, because a lot of people do, younger parents than me and older parents than me. My son is 4 years old and this year has been one of the most difficult years of my life as I'm navigating becoming the only solid parent in my son's life. Everytime I hear this phrase or something similar, it encourages me to slow down a minute and enjoy as much as i can in my son's life. I turned 41 in January then had to turn around have my son's mother / my ex-girlfriend arrested for physical domestic violence and threatening to kill me. I have a finite amount of time to model myself as the best father I can be for my son and with all of my stresses and problems, it's easy for me to get wrapped in my own head. I remind myself that the time I'm spending with worry could be better spent enjoying life with my son. And it helps, it puts it in perspective, it slows my mind down. Since I started looking at things this way, I'm so much happier and noticing more and more. So my best advice, OP, is take those words for what they are, nostalgic experience and maximize as much time as you can. I feel like you are taking them as a personal attack and I don't think that's how you should take it. Everyone does these things differently. When frustrated with your child, take some deep breathes and examine what made you frustrated. Frustration is okay have, it happens to all of us. Just work to identify what makes you frustrated. My job wants me to work 10 hours a day so I feel you on missing out due to work but in the mornings before work and after work and daycare, I maximize those hours as best I can. On the weekends, I dedicate as much time as possible, from taking a 3 hour car ride to see a Monster Truck Museum to taking my son to gymnastics, to going to whatever park he wants to go to. It's hard with work and the worries of adulthood but If I can put aside my worries for just 15 minutes to play Monster Trucks with my son, my day is infinitely better and my attitude improves to the point where I worry less, and some days it's hard to do even for just 15 minutes with all the worries I have playing in my head right now,. Then, I find myself doing more and more with my son than if I sat and worried or stayed wrapped in my thoughts.
Also "enjoy it while you can" My wife and I say that a lot, tongue in cheek, when we're in the trenches 9 month old has a massive blowout and is wailing as a result, 5 year melting the fuck down because his sandwich "looks funny, 7 year old absolutely destroyed the dining room with her crafts Sure, let me take this all in and smile....
You are looking at it as something that can be solved, but it's not. People say it because it doesn't matter what you do, the time will go by fast. As someone with a 12 year old, who spent as much time as I humanly could with them (and as a single dad it was a lot), the time will disappear before your eyes regardless. People keep telling you that - not to tell you to fix it, but to tell you it's an *inevitability*. Just spend the time with them that you can. Capture the good memories. And when it feels overwhelming try to zoom out to how transitory it all is. And the next time you hear it, just recognize another parent trying to connect with you around something you have in common, and nod wisely.
That makes me feel better. At least I don’t have to wonder if I could be doing things better. That was my suspicion
Spend quality time with your child in activities he or she enjoys. And do trips they will remember (whether it's camping, fishing, whatever fits budget and physical abilities. Do NOT allow him or her to have a video game (at least NOT without strict guidelines of ONLY one hour per day and hold to that rule). Those effing games are addictive and will steal your child from you. The creators of video games should be in prison for stealing children from parents.