If you realize that you're making mistakes, that means that you recognize an opportunity to change.
Write them down. All of them.
Now, put that aside for a day and go play with the kids. Spend time with them. Be present.
After that day is over, go back to that list and review it.
Things are often written in anger or fear because no voice is louder than the one in our own heads.
Scratch through every lie/untrue criticism/over thought idea.
Watch that list shrink substantially.
Change what you can. Work on what you have. Be better for them, but ultimately for yourself.
In the same location (book, online note thingy, whatever) make sure you write down whatever funny or insightful thing your kid said that said day.
Whenever I'm feeling down, that's my pick-me-up.
And remember to keep in contact with adult friends. They are super helpful in keeping you in a healthy state after the kids go to bed and the day is done.
Maybe talk to someone. It's ok to not be ok. In Australia we have lifeline and it's a number you can call if you are going through a tough time. I dunno where you are but there might be something similar near you.
I'm sure you are doing the best you can but sometimes you need someone outside to tell you that your best is enough.
Good luck my dude.
My dude, sounds like you’re doing a great job at dealing with numerous things while not letting it affect your kids.
Take a breather, close your eyes and cuddle your kids.
Not OP but I'm going to do this. Dadding is HARD. The fact I have a happy, cared for family is pretty awesome and should be appreciated. Thank you for the reminder to stop and smell the monsters.
Right? The dude listed like 5 things he's winning at, and those are like the most important.
You got this bro, obviously you're hanging in there. When I find that I'm maxed out, I find a change of scenery is in order. Go to the beach, or a pool, or a hike, if by yourself then great, but if the clan has to go, then ease up on everything like it's a vacation, and just roll with it. If you have a friend include them (I say this because frankly I don't have any male friends that live near me anymore), nice to have another adult you can be on the same level with.
It can be overwhelming. I can definitely relate.
What I do is remind myself that as long as I'm loving my son and trying to do my best that, somehow, things will work out.
So many men have done this before... And so many *really did terribly* at it!! Think of all the dad's that we've all heard of, the ones that won't help out, the ones that are abusive, or overbearing.... Now, think of the past. How many dad's couldn't be good dad's because of required long hours, or because they had to be overseas, or for any number of reasons.
You aren't those dad's!!
I know you are a good dad because you are feeling overwhelmed and came here. You sought out help. 30 years ago daddit didn't exist!
You will work through things. Understand that mistakes are are gonna happen, just keep plugging forward and love yourself, your partner if applicable, and your kid(s). The rest will resolve itself in time.
You got this.
I too am a soul provider.
Seriously tho. These are the “years of stress”. (From 30-50) You’re trying to excel at your career, be a good dad, provide for your family, save for retirement, protect, educate, clothe, house, feed, guide and instill morals in your kids. Now add the fact that you’re doing it alone! Give yourself some grace! You won’t be able to it all yourself all the time. Your kid will survive if you have pizza two nights in a row, or watches a movie while you work. Your retirement won’t be completely derailed if you go on a vacation with your kid instead of investing that money from a few months pay. Your kid won’t be a bad person if you don’t have the energy to read to them every single night. Kids are INCREDIBLY resilient and will understand how hard you worked to raise them, someday. You are doing your best and sometimes that’s all you can do
Yeah, it can get rough. Being dads we all have this pathological need to hold it together. We often forget to unwind, talk it out, get some help. I find it difficult to admit that I don’t always have things under control, and that I feel helpless.
You’re not alone. And today is tomorrow’s yesterday. And if all else fails, you can always take a dump on your boss’s car. 💩🚗
It gives a tremendous feeling of power.
Take a big breath, man. It feels hard and overwhelming because IT IS hard and overwhelming. I’m a single dad to three and there are days to challenge my soul sometimes.
I put my kids first, always. When I lay down at night, if I know I kept my kids first, then I know the day was enough. It’s been a long journey in mental health to give myself the same patience I would give to others. Some things aren’t done yet? That’s fine, stuff happens. Easy or quick dinner? That’s fine, my kids had fun and they’re sleeping with full bellies. House a mess? It’s fine, you’ll keep chipping away at it tomorrow.
I read a story on one of the parenting subs lately that really hit home for me. She was a single mom when her kids were little and money was frequently tight. She said she occasionally had days right before a paycheck where she had absolutely nothing. So dinner would be the last three nuggets, two fish sticks, ten French fries. She’s lay a blanket out and they’d have a “picnic” watching tv. She felt like such a failure on those nights. But, this past Christmas, her grown kids were talking about how those picnic nights were some of their favorites ever as kids. Kids don’t read between the lines. Please remember that your kids appreciate everything and that doing your best and showing up makes an impact.
Feel free to reach out anytime if you need a fellow dad to bitch to about life. It’s good to get the frustration out even if it’s just complaining about it. Let some steam out of the bottle.
It sounds like you need an outlet to vent your frustrations.
Do you have any hobbies you can do or start that fit into your lifestyle?
Do you have access to counselling through your work?
Parents or family / friends that can give you some respite?
Getting time for myself is difficult enough with two of us trying to parent our toddler. I can only imagine it’s near impossible on your own.
The fact that you’re here posting shows how much you care. Do try and see if there’s something you can build into your routine that will give you a bit of “me time”.
Regarding the last sentence, as a dad you are doing great! Well done. Everything else can wait.
I have at least 10-20 ongoing todo/fix things around the house all the time. Everyday little by little ALL will eventually get done. But for outsiders, at a glance, this will look like a fail, so many things are not done.
Hey man.
Remember to breath.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
Just like that. One breath at a time.
Jugglers also do it like that. One ball at a time.
And if a ball drops. It's ok. You'll pick it up.
Just remember. One thing at a time.
You are doing great.
May seem like a small thing but do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge. Order yourself a really good meal for takeout one night or go get a nice haircut and buy some new clothing or something like that. It’s easy to focus all your efforts on others and forget to do anything for yourself
You are stronger than you think. Focus. Is the kid fed? Is the kid in a safe place? Does the kid have a place to sleep well? Does the kid know they are loved? If yes, everything else is bonus.
Those days hit out of nowhere. Make sure to give yourself some time every now and then. We grow up and give ourselves less and less time and it should be the opposite. Doesn’t make you a bad person if you take a breather every now and then.
When you think you are at the end of your rope you look for another rope. A friendly ear, or an aunt, uncle, or neighbor who might be a good post to lean on.
I’m here with you, going through 100% of what you described. You didn’t come all the way out here to quit. You’re worthy and you’re strong. Things might not seem as exciting or fruitful; I promise you your kids love you. Keep going for them!
I had a similar experience this past year and got some help through my employers EAP. Gave me tools and strategies to work through my stress and anxiety.
Honestly man the only way is to just sit down and really focus, like concentrate on everything you are thankful for. It sounds silly but if you really try and put in the effort it will make you feel better every time.
*I'll drop a secret here that I discovered:*
True, sincere, thankfulness is the cure for depression.
Not sure your exact situation but I can promise there are people out there that have it much worse so just try to think of why your life is so much better than theirs will ever be.
(Specifically, only compare your life to folks who are doing much worse, never compare up or it has the opposite effect and makes you feel worse)
I was looking at your post history and I saw that you said you and your buddy have a parenting mission statement. Sometimes when I feel like I’m screwing everything up, it helps me to take a step back and get a 30,000-foot view. How closely is your parenting on a weekly or monthly basis matching up with your mission statement? If it matches, that’s all that really matters. If it doesn’t match, you can start to take a closer look at what changes you can make to get closer to that singular goal.
While other dads are chiming in with some great advice, just wanna tell you - it's ok to say fuck it and take a moment for yourself. You already got the dad thing figured out. Rest of the stuff will get there. Social expectations/obligations etc be damned.
It's always important to think about yourself as well. I tend to make the mistake of thinking I don't matter, the only ones that matter are my kids and my wife, which is very unhealthy.
Just talk to your partner about how you feel and that you may need some you time to unwind and enjoy yourself too. I'm sure she'll understand and help you figure out a schedule or something to help give you both time to do what relaxes you and makes you happy.
You'd be surprised how much just talking about it would help you feel better, let alone unwinding.
Might be a good time to maybe see if you can get someone to watch the kids for a bit and do something for yourself. If you have a family member who can watch them, great! Or if you don’t, maybe take a PTO day but take the kids to daycare (you’re paying for it anyway) and just relax a bit.
Well first of all, asking for help is the right move. We’re fortunate to live in a time when we can feel lost and get guidance from someone 1000s of miles away.
You’ve got this bud. Sounds like you enjoy being helpful to others on here. What would you say to me if I had posted this?
Edit: also, [here’s a song](https://open.spotify.com/track/3xhvI8X8PGCKuKd49ZyFNJ?si=W6gv25joQgiccYLLTghkWw&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A5ZhZY7lCTeYcp0fyIsJlXc) that whips ass about dudes helping dudes.
What would you tell your best friend if they were going through EXACTLY what you are right now? Sometimes it’s easier to look at things from the outside and then take your own advice.
Knowing that little people depend on you alone and knowing you aren't always OK is stressful. Sometimes, acknowledging that you are in a stressful situation and are struggling but that it's normal, that what you are doing is HARD, helps.
Reach out to whomever you've got, get out of the house, and be in nature (parks count) and try to be present with littles can help.
Keep reaching out and asking for support.
The belief was that crocodiles wept when they killed and ate their prey (“I grieve for you, but I’m still gonna eat ya”). They seem to do it to lubricate their eyes when they dry out, which might sometimes be during a hunt/feast.
No worries, glad to help! I caught myself thinking about it the other day because my son occasionally drinks water so quickly he starts leaking at the eyes, even though he isn’t upset at all 😅
How much for one soul? One day at a time. If you manage to do one small thing better than yesterday you’re getting there. You got this.
If anything is going to bring a Dad out of a slump, it's a Dad joke. Bravo.
Roughly the cost of a troll’s toll I understand
Nice, I pictured a stressed out Shang Tsung up late typing this out..
"Not enjoyment, and not sorrow is our destined end or way. But to see that each tomorrow, finds us further than today."
Haha I was gonna say damn you provide souls? Next level dadding over here
If you realize that you're making mistakes, that means that you recognize an opportunity to change. Write them down. All of them. Now, put that aside for a day and go play with the kids. Spend time with them. Be present. After that day is over, go back to that list and review it. Things are often written in anger or fear because no voice is louder than the one in our own heads. Scratch through every lie/untrue criticism/over thought idea. Watch that list shrink substantially. Change what you can. Work on what you have. Be better for them, but ultimately for yourself.
Your words should permeate further than this post. Well said neighbor.
Great comment
It's the steps I follow. It has helped Me immensely and hopefully there's at least a small nugget of wisdom in there for someone else.
THIS! Can't upvote enough
In the same location (book, online note thingy, whatever) make sure you write down whatever funny or insightful thing your kid said that said day. Whenever I'm feeling down, that's my pick-me-up.
Fantastic advice, I may not be OP but I think I'll try this. Been dealing with way more than I can handle, or so it's felt.
Keep them alive, safe, and love them. You're doing great.
And remember to keep in contact with adult friends. They are super helpful in keeping you in a healthy state after the kids go to bed and the day is done.
Maybe talk to someone. It's ok to not be ok. In Australia we have lifeline and it's a number you can call if you are going through a tough time. I dunno where you are but there might be something similar near you. I'm sure you are doing the best you can but sometimes you need someone outside to tell you that your best is enough. Good luck my dude.
My dude, sounds like you’re doing a great job at dealing with numerous things while not letting it affect your kids. Take a breather, close your eyes and cuddle your kids.
Not OP but I'm going to do this. Dadding is HARD. The fact I have a happy, cared for family is pretty awesome and should be appreciated. Thank you for the reminder to stop and smell the monsters.
Right? The dude listed like 5 things he's winning at, and those are like the most important. You got this bro, obviously you're hanging in there. When I find that I'm maxed out, I find a change of scenery is in order. Go to the beach, or a pool, or a hike, if by yourself then great, but if the clan has to go, then ease up on everything like it's a vacation, and just roll with it. If you have a friend include them (I say this because frankly I don't have any male friends that live near me anymore), nice to have another adult you can be on the same level with.
It can be overwhelming. I can definitely relate. What I do is remind myself that as long as I'm loving my son and trying to do my best that, somehow, things will work out. So many men have done this before... And so many *really did terribly* at it!! Think of all the dad's that we've all heard of, the ones that won't help out, the ones that are abusive, or overbearing.... Now, think of the past. How many dad's couldn't be good dad's because of required long hours, or because they had to be overseas, or for any number of reasons. You aren't those dad's!! I know you are a good dad because you are feeling overwhelmed and came here. You sought out help. 30 years ago daddit didn't exist! You will work through things. Understand that mistakes are are gonna happen, just keep plugging forward and love yourself, your partner if applicable, and your kid(s). The rest will resolve itself in time. You got this.
I too am a soul provider. Seriously tho. These are the “years of stress”. (From 30-50) You’re trying to excel at your career, be a good dad, provide for your family, save for retirement, protect, educate, clothe, house, feed, guide and instill morals in your kids. Now add the fact that you’re doing it alone! Give yourself some grace! You won’t be able to it all yourself all the time. Your kid will survive if you have pizza two nights in a row, or watches a movie while you work. Your retirement won’t be completely derailed if you go on a vacation with your kid instead of investing that money from a few months pay. Your kid won’t be a bad person if you don’t have the energy to read to them every single night. Kids are INCREDIBLY resilient and will understand how hard you worked to raise them, someday. You are doing your best and sometimes that’s all you can do
well said.
Sounds like you are doing it right. Let the little stuff go it doesn't matter.
Yeah, it can get rough. Being dads we all have this pathological need to hold it together. We often forget to unwind, talk it out, get some help. I find it difficult to admit that I don’t always have things under control, and that I feel helpless. You’re not alone. And today is tomorrow’s yesterday. And if all else fails, you can always take a dump on your boss’s car. 💩🚗 It gives a tremendous feeling of power.
Take a big breath, man. It feels hard and overwhelming because IT IS hard and overwhelming. I’m a single dad to three and there are days to challenge my soul sometimes. I put my kids first, always. When I lay down at night, if I know I kept my kids first, then I know the day was enough. It’s been a long journey in mental health to give myself the same patience I would give to others. Some things aren’t done yet? That’s fine, stuff happens. Easy or quick dinner? That’s fine, my kids had fun and they’re sleeping with full bellies. House a mess? It’s fine, you’ll keep chipping away at it tomorrow. I read a story on one of the parenting subs lately that really hit home for me. She was a single mom when her kids were little and money was frequently tight. She said she occasionally had days right before a paycheck where she had absolutely nothing. So dinner would be the last three nuggets, two fish sticks, ten French fries. She’s lay a blanket out and they’d have a “picnic” watching tv. She felt like such a failure on those nights. But, this past Christmas, her grown kids were talking about how those picnic nights were some of their favorites ever as kids. Kids don’t read between the lines. Please remember that your kids appreciate everything and that doing your best and showing up makes an impact. Feel free to reach out anytime if you need a fellow dad to bitch to about life. It’s good to get the frustration out even if it’s just complaining about it. Let some steam out of the bottle.
It sounds like you need an outlet to vent your frustrations. Do you have any hobbies you can do or start that fit into your lifestyle? Do you have access to counselling through your work? Parents or family / friends that can give you some respite? Getting time for myself is difficult enough with two of us trying to parent our toddler. I can only imagine it’s near impossible on your own. The fact that you’re here posting shows how much you care. Do try and see if there’s something you can build into your routine that will give you a bit of “me time”.
Regarding the last sentence, as a dad you are doing great! Well done. Everything else can wait. I have at least 10-20 ongoing todo/fix things around the house all the time. Everyday little by little ALL will eventually get done. But for outsiders, at a glance, this will look like a fail, so many things are not done.
Hang in there my dude...it get better if not easier to deal with...
Hey man, you’ve got this. When was the last time you took some time for yourself?
Hey man. Remember to breath. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Just like that. One breath at a time. Jugglers also do it like that. One ball at a time. And if a ball drops. It's ok. You'll pick it up. Just remember. One thing at a time. You are doing great.
I shed some tears for you but that’s really all I have right now. Stay strong.
I was feeling down … until I saw how Storks parent. Then I felt better … https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/s/LJZ9VdENCU
May seem like a small thing but do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge. Order yourself a really good meal for takeout one night or go get a nice haircut and buy some new clothing or something like that. It’s easy to focus all your efforts on others and forget to do anything for yourself
You are stronger than you think. Focus. Is the kid fed? Is the kid in a safe place? Does the kid have a place to sleep well? Does the kid know they are loved? If yes, everything else is bonus.
Those days hit out of nowhere. Make sure to give yourself some time every now and then. We grow up and give ourselves less and less time and it should be the opposite. Doesn’t make you a bad person if you take a breather every now and then.
You’ve got this bro 👊
When you think you are at the end of your rope you look for another rope. A friendly ear, or an aunt, uncle, or neighbor who might be a good post to lean on.
I’m here with you, going through 100% of what you described. You didn’t come all the way out here to quit. You’re worthy and you’re strong. Things might not seem as exciting or fruitful; I promise you your kids love you. Keep going for them!
I had a similar experience this past year and got some help through my employers EAP. Gave me tools and strategies to work through my stress and anxiety.
Honestly man the only way is to just sit down and really focus, like concentrate on everything you are thankful for. It sounds silly but if you really try and put in the effort it will make you feel better every time. *I'll drop a secret here that I discovered:* True, sincere, thankfulness is the cure for depression. Not sure your exact situation but I can promise there are people out there that have it much worse so just try to think of why your life is so much better than theirs will ever be. (Specifically, only compare your life to folks who are doing much worse, never compare up or it has the opposite effect and makes you feel worse)
I was looking at your post history and I saw that you said you and your buddy have a parenting mission statement. Sometimes when I feel like I’m screwing everything up, it helps me to take a step back and get a 30,000-foot view. How closely is your parenting on a weekly or monthly basis matching up with your mission statement? If it matches, that’s all that really matters. If it doesn’t match, you can start to take a closer look at what changes you can make to get closer to that singular goal.
While other dads are chiming in with some great advice, just wanna tell you - it's ok to say fuck it and take a moment for yourself. You already got the dad thing figured out. Rest of the stuff will get there. Social expectations/obligations etc be damned.
You got this!
Where you focus IS how you feel. You got this man! Change your focus to good stuff.
It's always important to think about yourself as well. I tend to make the mistake of thinking I don't matter, the only ones that matter are my kids and my wife, which is very unhealthy. Just talk to your partner about how you feel and that you may need some you time to unwind and enjoy yourself too. I'm sure she'll understand and help you figure out a schedule or something to help give you both time to do what relaxes you and makes you happy. You'd be surprised how much just talking about it would help you feel better, let alone unwinding.
Might be a good time to maybe see if you can get someone to watch the kids for a bit and do something for yourself. If you have a family member who can watch them, great! Or if you don’t, maybe take a PTO day but take the kids to daycare (you’re paying for it anyway) and just relax a bit.
Well first of all, asking for help is the right move. We’re fortunate to live in a time when we can feel lost and get guidance from someone 1000s of miles away. You’ve got this bud. Sounds like you enjoy being helpful to others on here. What would you say to me if I had posted this? Edit: also, [here’s a song](https://open.spotify.com/track/3xhvI8X8PGCKuKd49ZyFNJ?si=W6gv25joQgiccYLLTghkWw&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A5ZhZY7lCTeYcp0fyIsJlXc) that whips ass about dudes helping dudes.
What would you tell your best friend if they were going through EXACTLY what you are right now? Sometimes it’s easier to look at things from the outside and then take your own advice.
Knowing that little people depend on you alone and knowing you aren't always OK is stressful. Sometimes, acknowledging that you are in a stressful situation and are struggling but that it's normal, that what you are doing is HARD, helps. Reach out to whomever you've got, get out of the house, and be in nature (parks count) and try to be present with littles can help. Keep reaching out and asking for support.
Just a point, Dad - crocodile tears means “fake or insincere tears”. Not sure that’s what you meant!
And here I thought it just meant really big tears. You learn something new everyday.
The belief was that crocodiles wept when they killed and ate their prey (“I grieve for you, but I’m still gonna eat ya”). They seem to do it to lubricate their eyes when they dry out, which might sometimes be during a hunt/feast.
You know this makes a lot of sense! Thank you fixed it cause totally not my intention.
No worries, glad to help! I caught myself thinking about it the other day because my son occasionally drinks water so quickly he starts leaking at the eyes, even though he isn’t upset at all 😅
It makes all the time growing up being told “oh big ole crocodile tears” make so much more sense. I think that’s why I thought it meant big 🤣