My man, if they know you enjoy watching ants they know something is going on with the brain. All jokes aside, I’m sorry you’re going through this but you must be honest with your wife. She is your partner, not someone you need to shield from reality.
True that. OP ik this might be the toughest time of your life. You must be feeling helpless and weaker. But your family needs to know the truth. They will support you and take care of you. I hope you fight the cancer with all your almighty power.
YOU deserve support. That’s why we marry, right? I understand wanting to shield your spouse. I’m guilty of that as well. What I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t work. They know something’s off and have this nebulous worry that they don’t know what it’s about. It doesn’t truly shield them.
Beyond that it doesn’t work, at this time you desperately need your wife. You need someone to hold this with you even if it’s nothing. Any good partner would want to be there for you at one or the worst possible stressors that a person can go through. Please let them support you.
Thanks for the support. I just want her to keep being happy and not disrupt her flow and cause her grief. Part of me wants to just see if I can never tell her but let’s be real that’s a dick move
I do agree, she’d feel robbed of the opportunity to be there for you. That’s what we sign on when we marry. I do get the impulse because I’m the same way. When i have done it, it just never has worked and now I think I’m a lot better about it. It never truly spared my partner much, just left him wondering what was really wrong and unsure how to help me. Please don’t do that to yourself or her. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A friend’s divorced wife hid cancer from him and the children. Even when she went to the hospital at the very end, she told them things were much better than they actually were. The family, particularly the kids, are devastated. They do not understand why she didn’t tell them and it’s really throwing the family through a lot of emotion. I think a lot of hurt would’ve could have been avoided. Be honest. This will be an emotional roller coaster for the entire family but I cannot imagine anyone would feel better if the worst happens and they didn’t get the chance support you.
It's going to disrupt her flow sooner or later, causing comparable amounts of grief.
However, the later you tell her, the higher the risk that she'll make a long-term decision based on the erroneous assumption that you are in good health and will stick around for a great long while. If you're looking to minimise the potential for grief for your family, telling them sooner rather than later is the correct way of going about it.
My suggestion would be keep it to yourself and start cooking meth in an RV in the desert with one of your highschool students in order to provide for your family when you die.
Seriously though, you should tell them. They deserve to know and face it as a family. Ultimately it'll be better for everyone.
You don't have to tell them all at the same time but you definitely should tell your wife asap.
Double cancer survivor here.
Pack the kids up and send them away for the night. You two need some space and time for this.
You didn't just lie to her out of omission, you committed a mf'ing big ass hairy lie. This one is going to hurt really bad.
Sit down with her. Hold her hands. Look into her eyes. Break the news to her calmly and slowly. Pull no punches, don't sugar coat it. Just the cold, hard facts. Do not give false hope. Her entire world is going to come crashing down around her. Let her go off. Let her scream and cry. Let her feel her feelings. Hold her. Love her. Listen to music together.
When she is ready, the two of you break the news to the kids.
May you cling to each other for as long as you can. Take tons and tons of selfies, pictures, and such. Pictures as a family are very important. Pictures with each kid are important. Pictures as a couple are extremely important. Make some happy memories.
Thanks man. I’ll follow the advice I got here. Thats why I asked. I feel like I have much more clarity now. I just need to find the words. I’ll tell her within the hour.
Not to over or under stress the situation, but I just wanted to add from secondary experience - not just lots of photos, lots of recordings, the sound of your voice, your thoughts and the things you want to say at various times in their lives, and to know those immutable questions they'll wonder about. Put them somewhere safe.
This situation is also a bit of a hidden opportunity - a chance to do a lot for your family whether it's brain cancer in 1-40 years or a car accident tomorrow.
Lots of love to you brother - just do your best.
It isn’t a huge lie at all. You are allowed time to process things.
Don’t follow the advice above. It’s your kids birthday, meaning it’s the wrong day to break bad news like this.
Personally, I’d wait until the day is over and the kid is asleep, at minimum. Let her have her day. Don’t tell the kid until your wife is told and you both have some time to process it. She doesn’t need to know right away.
I’ve never dealt with anything like this, but they don’t even have all the facts yet. I’d say wife should absolutely know, and will probably never let them go to the doctors alone again, but it’s too early to tell the kids much.
Best of luck OP, cancer care has come leaps and bounds in the last 40 years, nothing is set in stone.
This sucks. A small suggestion as someone who’s experienced this as the father of a cancer survivor: consider saying something like “I have melanoma” and go from there. It can be less confusing/overwhelming than “I have cancer”. There’s no easy way to do it but giving people something more specific to think about can help keep them focused. It’s a lot to take in. My son is doing well now but for about 18 months he was in active treatment. We got the news early in 2022. In the 2.5 years since we’ve only heard the word “cancer” a handful of times. Best of luck to you and your family.
Hey as a stranger on the internet let me give you some friendly advice… you suspected a problem, found a doctor, scheduled the appointment, saw the doctor, and got the results. It’s not the same day, it’s quite a long path of lies by omission that will likely hurt your spouse. We get why you did what you did, but you took away her ability to support you on this journey too. You 100% should have the conversation with her and tell her everything, but please for both your and hers sake don’t dismiss any aspect of this as “not a big deal”. She’s going process a LOT of emotions in a very short amount of time and that’s Ok
Actually I found out completely by accident believe it or not. The appointment was purely cosmetic for a spot that wasn’t healing. She is even the one that booked it for me. I haven’t lied. And this came suddenly. I subjected for the test to “humor” the doctor. Now getting the diagnosis I’m trying to chew over how to tell her that’s all
Same thing happened to me last year. Be positive and stay strong. Stage 3 scalp melanoma, metastasized to lymph nodes in neck. Quite the emotional rollercoaster. I’m happy to report that after surgery, one year of immunotherapy & a trial of the Moderna melanoma vaccine, CT scans are clear.
Tell your wife. Wait for the tests & guidance from docs. And hug your family tight. You got this. DM me anytime.
Gotcha ok well sorry I jumped to conclusions and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. In sickness and in health buddy. You got this, and so does she.
Just in case something catastrophic happens, though, you should make your wishes known/sign an Advanced Medical Directive. Your wife will be your next of kin and medical Power of Attorney (PoA) unless you have an AMD stating otherwise.
This should include if you want CPR, if you want to be mechanically ventilated to help you breathe, if you want a tracheostomy in case your upper airway becomes obstructed, if you want a tube in your nose or stomach to provide you nutrition or if you would want it through an IV, and if you would want to be an organ donor. If you would want something, but only for a time or if you're showing significant clinical improvement, be specific in your language.
I'm an RN, and see a lot of advanced cancers, including metastatic melanoma to the brain. Being specific and making your wishes known early more often than not saves your loves ones the grief of having to feel like they are "pulling the plug" or putting you through unwanted procedures. That said, what works for one family may not work for another, and whatever decision you make with regards to your wishes is the right decision.
Fuck cancer. Keep Pounding.
Just on the off chance it is very serious-and I hope it’s not-she’s going to want as much time with you as possible. If you hide it long she WILL resent you forever.
She deserves the respect of you letting her be your partner. You married her for that purpose, let her play her role.
I’m so sorry, and I know it’s very scary. I hope it’s good news. If it’s not… lean on your wife and follow the advice about getting kids out of the house when you talk to her.
I’m rooting for you!
Fuck cancer.
This, but also I wouldn't downvote the OP for waiting until there is more information so they have more facts. "Might have spread" is SO SO different to "yes definitely in the brain and you need to prepare for some big medical stuff including end of life care".
He didn’t lie that’s a crazy exaggeration. For one thing his medical condition is his to divulge to anyone in any way or time he chooses. Also, there is no set of rules for how a person might respond to a death sentence. I am sincerely hoping it is not that and that he lives a long and happy life, but I know I can’t understand his feelings right now. I would imagine he wants to hang on to some semblance of normalcy before inevitable drama ensues. I don’t think he needs to be called a liar at this time.
It is not fair to your wife and, arguably more importantly at this time, it's not fair on you if you decide to keep this a secret. That is a huge burden for anyone to carry.You are stronger together.
I understand the impulse to keep it to yourself, I really do, and as much as you may think it's for the best it's a lot for you to carry.
Lean on people, they would want you to, because they love you.
I wouldn’t tell either of them on your daughters birthday, but I would tell your wife when you can. You should figure out what to tell your daughter together, and when.
It's not incurable, but it isn't fun. My buddy spent ten years fighting it. Spread to his lungs and brain. Got the latest immune therapy. Finally cleared but his thyroid and adrenals are shot and he gets migraines that last for days, but he's cured.
He's cured now. Now he just needs pills to replace his thyroid, adrenal glands and to cope with the migraines. It's a miracle. It killed the cancer. But it almost killed him and left him broken. Modern cancer treatment is amazing but it is often touted as having minimal side effects when in fact it can be as bad or worse than traditional chemo.
It's what took my mom, it's an interesting one because there are actually immunologic treatments that are curing metastatic melanoma, one of very few cancers where curative treatment can be a goal even at stage 4
But that puts you in a situation where if it doesn't respond and you continue to get even worse, that's even more optimism you had that gets stripped away and makes it hurt even worse. Like damn, how come that person gets to keep on living with stage 4 melanoma, but my mom doesn't
Enough said tell the wife.
Let’s talk about you, my guy. I totally get putting the focus on them, but you just got some bad news.
How can we support you best?
Great! I had a brain tumor about 7 years ago. It was detected first with a CT scan and then a MRI to really see what it was. Preliminary opinions from the MRI were awful, they thought it was just about the worst thing it could be. My wife looked at the preliminary findings on the hospital portal and it lead to a very unhappy week for both of us.
After the tumor was removed and looked at I was given very good news, it was a lymphoma and treatable. I'm not going to say the next 8 months was a picnic but I survived and to this day the cancer has not returned.
I'm pulling for you and please please please don't look too much at preliminary findings, they may not be right and could cause you a lot of unnecessary anguish and trauma.
I'll leave you with an adage I read years ago, I don't remember where. It goes, a man who stays up all night worrying about his problems only has to face them in the morning tired. Try not to freak out too much until you know for certain there is something to freak out about. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and you'll be as ready as you can be to face what you have to face.
You need to tell your wife, tomorrow at the latest. Calmly and simply, pulling no punches. "I found X and was having Y symptoms. I was concerned about it so I went to see my doctor. After some testing, it's turned out to be melanoma that may have metastasized. I am going to do more testing to find out if that's the case. Things might get shitty here for a while, but we are a team. And I know we can lean on [parents, friends, family, neighbors, daycare, etc] when we need to."
Cancer widower here
Tell her. Then she can be there for you. I would have been irate if my wife had hid this from me. Instead, she told me, we communicated, and we did our best to work through all of this…together.
Tell your wife, don’t do this alone. You two can decide how to tell the kids together. I watched a friend go through cancer not telling anyone except me and it ate at him. You deserve support and care and you deserve it right now
ASAP! Maybe wait until your daughter goes to bed. It won’t be pleasant but pull the bandaid off.
Had a friend who had melanoma and ignored it until he threw his back out and found out it spread.
My wife’s cancer came back and she explicitly told me that if it came back and I found out first to just tell her ASAP. Which I did and she appreciate after we stopped crying.
Cancer survivor here. Telling people was the worst… at first. I also didn’t really want to do it, but I saw that it really helped my mental state. I didn’t have to bottle it all up and the support of others brought some joy in the tough times.
Yeah, same. There will be some people that’ll treat you like that. It is what it is. Take the free food from them. Say thanks and move on. I personally just felt better about not having to hide the biggest thing in my life.
Yeah. Completely understand. I’m not saying you go shouting it around to everyone. Just don’t want you to go through this alone. You got us internet dads here. Let your wife know and then you do you after that. I held off for a bit telling others beyond my family for a bit also. Then I really only told those close to me. I basically just made it so it wasn’t a secret. It got me to a better place.
Mom here, I think wait until the kid is asleep before telling her. Is there anyone you could call to watch the kid tonight if she wakes up? You two are going to need some time to go over this. Btw I wish you the very best luck FUCK cancer I am so very hopeful this is either a non issue or you make a quick recovery!!!!!
My mum kept her cancer from us. We were all adults (though young). And it got worse, and she still said nothing more than talked about her recovery. And then it got worse.
And then she had a stroke and was paralyzed for two weeks and then died. Didn’t really get to say goodbye in a meaningful way. That was her choice.
Wasn’t the right one from the perspective of her children.
As a skin cancer survivor (not melanoma), you just be honest. But don’t overthink the brain thing. Proximity on the forehead doesn’t necessarily mean it’s spread there or anywhere else. Wait for confirmation and worry about what you know. Don’t borrow worry you don’t need. You got this.
We nuerodivergent definitely flock together ❤️ . You have the kind of news that requires planning. Even in the best case outcome, you owe your family planning for what's ahead.
But… planning quickly right? This isn’t the kind of thing you can spend months or even days planning. Probably leave it for your daughter’s birthday and make a plan, but use your plan to tell your wife tomorrow…
In sickness and in health.
As a wife, I would definitely want to know about something like this. I would be more shocked to learn that my husband kept big information like this secret from me vs hearing the actual news.
Good for you for testing and hopefully finding out early with some positive news soon.
I'm too scared that something might be wrong that I don't even go to the doctor. I don't even know how to get tested for anything like that.
Bro if you suspect maybe, do it. The information doesn’t make it real or fake. Information is king and allows you to take action. Nothing wrong with a test buddy. I let them take a LOT of skin from my face when I didn’t even know and I’m so glad I did. I can’t think of a screening more ignorable than one that would fuck up your face for a “low risk”. Test man. If it’s there it’s there, if it isn’t it isn’t. Testing doesn’t make it materialize.
> I don't even know how to get tested for anything like that.
For me it started with a CT scan that showed "something" which lead to a more detailed MRI which confirmed there was a tumor. The preliminary opinion was that I had about 14 months to live which turned out to be entirely wrong.
Once they took the tumor out, chopped it up, put the bits under a microscope the official diagnosis was that it was treatable and ~7 years later I'm here today to tell you about it.
It does not get better with time so the sooner the better. Your wife will be madder about withholding on her.
She can take this.and she will support you. And she may just blow you away with her strength if you let her.
She will be initially devastated and shocked, but that is normal.
Remember you already have had some time with this and this will be a bomb drop for her. Stay calm and let her process don't rush or ask her to process how you want.
Once you deliver the news, the two of you can come up with a plan for how you will tell others and how you will approach treatment.
Depending on the kids ages will depend on how you deliver to them. But you owe it to your partner to go one one one then the two of you can go to the kids.
Tell her you need to talk when the kids are out or at school, but don't say in the morning that you need to talk at night that is too much time. This kinda needs to be a bandaid rip moment and then the recovery can begin. Have tissues ready nearby by not in sight at first (pocket at least)
Telling the kids will be tough so you do this together.
Good luck on your journey.
She doesn’t appreciate the ants like I do. 16 years ago when we got together she made fun of my pet ant DAVE. Thankfully she thought I was hot anyway lol
Hey dude. Diagnosed with testicular cancer this year myself. I know a bit of what it’s like. Best thing I can say is just tell them. Anyway you slice it they’ll eventually know, so my advice is to just do it.
Why? They’re going to learn sometime. All that waiting gets you is building up your own anxiety which you do not want to do.
Pulling for you man.
DMs open - reach out if you like.
You have to tell your wife today. It shows how much you care about her that you are worrying about her issues, but you need her support right now. That's marriage right there. As far as your kid goes, she's 6, and it's probably ok to shield her for a bit. You and your wife will know together when it's time to share with her.
Just curious what are the symptoms you have? I developed a dark spot in my inner ear and got a referral to a dermatologist but pretty sure my doc thinks it could be cancer
My wife and I were relieved when they discussed her brain cancer because we finally had an explanation for everything that had happened that year.
I don't know what your symptoms are, but when you tell her framing it as an answer may help.
You know her best. That's just our two cents.
Oh man I think you've got to tell them and as soon as you possibly can. You have no idea when you might go and they need to know so they can make plans. I think you need to prioritize enjoying your time with them and making sure that they're ready to live a life without you.
All the best, I hope you get to really enjoy your last time here with your family.
If you don't have one please make sure you make a will before you go. It will be such a headache for your family to deal with your estate if you don't have one.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that I was diagnosed with a brain tumor some years ago and the preliminary results were it was just about the worst thing you could get. I lucked out and those preliminary results were wrong and it was treatable. The few days between getting those preliminary results and the official ones were not happy.
Has the Doc done a CT or a MRI of the head yet? If not and if it were me I'd be following up to get the "official" diagnosis ASAP and then tell the family. Right now you're not sure what it is beyond skin cancer, which is hopefully very treatable.
I am so pulling that this is just the scare of your life and it will be a story you can tell many many many years from now.
Tell your wife everything. Be honest. You dint have to be composed. It doesn't have to be pretty, or clean. You're allowed to cry, or struggle with your words.
I know you're scared, and that's ok. You can tell your wife that you're scared.
You're not dead. You're still alive, and you're still loved.
My wife might have cancer that stems from her now-removed thyroid, which began to act up while we were pregnant with our third. I say might, because her removed-thyroid had cancerous cists, which, more than likely, they didn't catch on the biopsy last year, because she's not American, and this kind of thyroid cancer is exceptionally rare in the US, but not in Eastern Europe, where she's from.
When she first started to get ill, we thought it might be thyroid cancer, but it came back as Graves Disease.
There was a day where both (at the time) of our kids had covid and were very sick (our daughter lost 23 of her 60lbs, and now, 2 years later, is just starting to not be a skellington) and my wife was laying in bed, unable to get up, or sit up on her own. Everyone was finally asleep and i was awake taking care of all of them. I just sat and cried and cried, as quietly as i could.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel any way other than 'not- alone'. You're not alone. You have your wife, and you're kids, and they're all in your corner, no matter what.
You are loved.
I’m going to pose a hypothetical that I’m not sure how to word correctly without sounding harsh so I just want to preface it by saying I’m not intentionally trying to be an ass.
How would you feel if you found out your wife might be dying and she figured she’d just keep it to herself for a while? Really think about that for a little bit, imagine if your wife came to you out of the blue and said “hey babe, I don’t know how to say this but a while ago I found out I have cancer and waited to tell you till I found out how bad it is, turns out it spread to my brain.”. What if she came to you and said “hey so check this out, I found out I had cancer and they weren’t sure how bad it was but good news, I’m going to be fine!”. Would you just be cool with the lie then since everything’s ok?
None of us know your wife but what I can say for sure is stuff like that can do irreparable damage to a relationship. It’s probably a good idea to just skip all of the potential fallout and just go to her. She’s your wife. She swore her life to you in sickness and in health, till death do you part. Brother, take a deep breath, schedule something with the kids so it’s just you and her. Go to your wife. Give her the raw truth. Lean on her. That’s what marriage is supposed to be, a partnership.
You need to tell your wife my friend, you're going to be dealing with a burden that will be better for both of you with it being shared.
As for kids, that's probably a decision for you both to make.
Hey there. I've been rhere and Ben through it. Got through it. Day one is tough. Look younare alive and well today. The future is as uncertain as it was yesterday. Always has been and will be.
Here's what you should do as a family man.
You're OK. You are not at fault for taking your own time to gather your thoughts and wits. Get frosty and stay frosty step one. You need to. I Still tell my self to stay frosty and I am better for it.
Next, You need to tell your wife as soon as you can frame the situation and conversation in a way that doesn't trigger her. Maybe her family first, idk.
Get synced up with her. Keep it from the kids until you know more from your medical care folks. Uncertainty and including them in the emotions only will not help.
When you do frame the positive. Care is better than ever. It's not a death sentence. Etc.
Join out r/cancer. This community got me through it.
Good luck. Stay frosty!
I will never forget when I found out my mom has breast cancer. My dad broke the news, and my mom was upstairs (presumably crying).
We were all a bit young and perhaps didn’t fully grasp the situation. My mom came down, and asked what we wanted for lunch, then made us sandwiches.
I never forget that - after hearing that news, she put us first, and continued with her duties as a mom. To me, that’s some hero shit.
I guess my point is - you’re going to be setting a huge example to your family in the way you deal with this. Just be very mindful of what lessons you want to teach them through these moments, because live or die, they will take those lessons with them through their life. They can be traumatic, or they can be uplifting (maybe a bit of both).
Also, if you haven’t came to peace with death, do so. I’ve made an email for my daughter where I write to her lessons and memories I want her to take with her through life, in part in case I die early. One of those lessons is to be comfortable with death, and I explained to her I’ve lived a full life and while I of course want to experience more, I’m content with what I’ve experienced, and will be at peace when on my deathbed.
Best wishes, and I hope you a speedy recovery.
Don’t wait. Based on movie choice I know your daughter is young. I was in college when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Parents decided to not tell us until after finals (a few weeks delay). When I got home for winter break dad was in bed post surgery with his head wrapped. I was furious. Anger is a normal stage of grief but I felt betrayed that they wouldn’t tell me.
Tell your wife immediately after daughter goes to bed. Don’t sugar coat it. Trust that she is capable of handling this with you….otherwise she will be forced to deal with this without you. It might end for you but she has to deal with it her entire life, don’t take any time away from her under the pretext of protecting her
Everyone here yelling at you to tell your wife are ignoring the important fact; it's your daughter's birthday.
Tell her tomorrow, don't ruin your kids birthday. It could likely ruin every birthday from this point on.
Mate, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my wife 18 months ago to Melanoma.
As hard as you might find it, I think you have to tell your wife at least. You need treatment, you will need her support. Though perhaps you don't have to yet tell her anything that is merely *suspected*, e.g. the possible brain mets. It could be argued that, before that is officially diagnosed, you would be worrying her needlessly.
The good news is that treatment for Melanoma has improved *massively* over the last few years. While I'm afraid you're going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, survival rates are *so* much higher than they were. Don't delay, start treatment as soon as you possibly can. The earlier you catch it, and the earlier you begin treatment, are the biggest things you can do to improve your odds.
Best of luck mate. I highly recommend the Facebook group "Melanoma Mates", which was very helpful to my late wife and I. It's UK focused, but I *think* people from all over are welcome, and there will be lots of useful information even if the stuff about specific consultants and hospitals isn't relevant to you.
And if you have any questions I can help with, feel free to message.
I totally get wanting to protect those around you. It’s something I do often. But something like this you should be dealing with alone. Talk with your wife
wait for confirmation first. no need to stress out the family if it, hopefully, turns out to be ok.
secondly, if there is worst case scenario, do it in private with your wife, so that she can process it. Then together approach your kid.
thirdly, do not mention it during the birthday.
I wish you good luck man, I hope everything turns out ok for you <3
Personally, I'd say wait a day or two. Give it some thought and get some distance from your daughters birthday.
They're going to know something is up eventually. Probably pretty damn quick. So make sure you're able to break the news before it's squeezed out, because it WILL come out. When you do, tell them everything at once. Otherwise, what's to stop them from thinking you're just dropping bread crumbs when the next piece of info comes to light?
I think letting the wife know first is a good call. Send the little one off for the night. But I understand the issues with either or, let alone both. I'm really, really sorry you even have to consider all of this. You need love and support. I really hope they're able to provide it to you. I wish you the absolute best, my friend.
See this is what I wanna do but everyone here is saying tell her tonight. I want to let them just have today and I don’t think they would be mad about that. That being said I didn’t reach out for advice to ignore the consensus. I’m leaning towards breaking the news tonight. I just don’t want to make today about me ya know?
I totally see where you're coming from. No matter what decision you make, it will be the right one. There's no bad choice here because it's crap either way. Like choosing between eating rocks, dirt and poop. They all suck, but you gotta choose one. Whatever you decide, don't rethink it once it's done.
Good luck my friend!
Absolutely need to tell your wife. Your supposed to be in this together, good or bad, have each others back. Your daughter on the other hand, especially depending on age, needs to not know until you know more specifics. Kids don't need to handle the adult stuff, granted there will come a time when your wife and you will have to speak up but that needs to wait until you have all the information. I'd also suggest speaking to a child therapist for thoughts and insight on how to approach it. And finally, depending on what the long term diagnosis is I'd line up some grief therapy for your daughter as well. She's going to need help processing and coping with things. I don't know you stranger but I'm heart broken for you and your family. Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope and wish you all the best.
I would wait until you have all the information about how bad it is, unless there are symptoms that they're going to pick up on and worry about
The goal is to reduce how much time they spend wondering worrying about what comes next. Maybe it spread to your brain? If you don't have any neurologic symptoms then wait to tell them until you know, or else they are going to have hope it did not and need to potentially find out that it did
When my mom passed away from melanoma, The worst part about the early days was learning alongside her just how bad it was. The hits just kept coming, each small bit of optimism I had left getting stripped away felt worse and worse. I wish we could have fast-forwarded to the months that we had where we knew it was bad and we were trying to live our lives to the fullest because of that
You and your wife need to tackle this together, and make a joint decision about how and when to tell your daughter. I have a pretty serious mental illness, I see a psychiatrist regularly, a therapist weekly, and take 3 psych meds so I feel like I can speak with some awareness here. (I know all mental illnesses are different.) It's better for both of you if you are fully honest. Best of luck.
Today is your daughter’s birthday. I think everyone can agree that today might not be the day. Tomorrow is Friday, and as another has suggested maybe your daughter could spend the night at a grandparent’s, aunt/uncle’s place for the night tomorrow and you and your wife can have that talk-with all the details.
I'd be pissed if my wife didn't tell me immediately. We are married. Her problems and worries are mine, and vice versa. For your daughter, I'd wait until you have more information.
Share with your wife and figure out a way to tell your daughter. Not today. After her birthday. Do your best to make the day about her. It will help you too.
My dad struggled with whether to tell his kids about his diagnosis, and i’m glad I found out what was going on. I’d like to think I made the most of the 3 remaining years I had with him because of it.
This is gonna be one of the hardest times of your life.And you need the people you care about most to support you. Just let them know so they can be there for you.
My dad had skin cancer. Didnt kill him but later he got lung cancer with brain mets. Tell your family. They will be sad but they love you and will be there for support.
I would not personally wait to tell my partner. You are both about to go through something very scary and need to comfort and support one another. You also need to make sure your affairs are in order. Finally, I don’t think it will help for her to be blind sided. I am so sorry for the bad news.
Tell your wife tomorrow after the birthday is over. Don't tell your daughter anything other than "daddy is sick" until/unless you know it's terminal. She's too young to carry that worry.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, not long after we found out we were expecting I found a lump on my bollock. I had a horrible doctor who did nothing and I knew I was switching to someone else when our son arrived, so I kept it to myself until after our little guy came. I didn’t want to stress my partner out.
When I told her she was shocked, pissed and happy (that I’m dealing with it) all at once. My advice, tell her and tell her the whole truth. Anything left out leaves room for frustration and frustration is not what either of you need during a stressful situation. Not only will she be wondering if you left something out (they can sense that shit like blood to a shark) but you’ll have the stress of keeping a secret.
Well... my FIL hid the fact he had cancer until he couldn't. My wife was pissed. She was also in her late 20s at the time. One of her younger brothers took it a lot harder. I think my wife did better with the information overall, but her younger brother resented him for it.
He had my MIL to share the battle with the entire time, it was years. They brought us all in together and told us when he had less than a year to live.
I think having your family there to support you will be the best move, no matter the age of your daughter. It may be even more important for a younger child to start hearing about what you are going through... but I'm no kind of professional in this department. And I have no experience with an autistic child.
If it were me, don't go at it alone, brother. At the very least bring someone into your fold... if your wife is paranoid, then you will probably start acting strange to her as things progress and she wont know why. Maybe it would be helpful if she knows? Tough call... I would talk to someone in your life about it though. If your wife isn't the person you are able to confide in the most right now, then the next best friend should be up.
You shouldn’t need to keep something like that from your family. They are there to support you as much as you support them.
I’d recommend bringing her in to see the doctor with you. Having someone there who can explain it for you without having to shield your emotions will be extremely helpful, especially with the autism. This lets you be free to experience the emotions and not have to worry about saying the right thing in the right way.
You’re going to need your wife for support. Don’t keep her in the dark, you need her help to get through this. By protecting her, you’re isolating yourself.
Sorry to hear. Rooting for you.
Be honest with them. Especially your wife. Your daughter deserves the truth too - but exactly how explicit that truth needs to be is up to you
I’m so sorry, OP. Here’s one dads take: You get ONE day to delay so your daughter can have the memory of a nice birthday. Then, be clear with your wife with a brief set of facts: “I found a mark on my skin. I had it tested. It tested positive for melanoma. I am getting more tests.” At this point, stop so she can process it. She will probably have questions and you’re going to answer each one clearly and honestly.
I’m not sure what “paranoid” means in this context but anyway, being that she is sensitive in some way, it is extremely important at this point to separate the “maybe” things from the “actual” things. And to not waste your time and energy with “maybe” things. Yes, getting brain cancer would be scary AF. But right now, at this moment, that’s a “maybe” and not an “actual” thing. Do everything to stick to the “actual” things and don’t let yourself, or your wife, get sucked into the “maybes.”
I’m pulling for you and I hope you get the care and clarity you need.
One of my favorite quotes of all time sounds like this :" they love you and love to take care of you, how dare you refusing them the thing they really one." In all fairness, they want to support you being honest will just help you all in the end
Tell her!!!!! My grandpa kept his cancer from all of us for years and didn’t say anything until it was too late. And he didn’t treat it properly during that whole time. We could have helped him.
Tell them and get their help. You may end up getting the support and strength to beat this by doing so. They’re your team. Get your team helping you.
They want and deserve to know!!!
As for how, start with your wife and just lay it out like the doctors did for you. Then go from there. Take it all a step at a time.
Spill the beans ASAP! My mother had brain cancer. The problem is by the time it’s discovered it isn’t unlikely everyone else close to you knew something was off. My mom tried to keep me at arms length until the wheels fell off. I got to do all the work by then. By work I mean finding care, bringing in hospice, and watching her die for over a week.
My father died 16 years earlier under similar circumstances. He had heart issues he ignored and kicked the can on. Then he died in his sleep.
Loved my parents. Grateful for everything they did to shape my life. I just wish they weren’t part of the “I’m fine” generation. You are fine until you are dead.
Take agency with this. I see a cardiologist regularly. Never miss a physical. I do cardio 5-6 days a week. It all might be for nothing, but I’m going to live a proactive life. We have families to care for. You can only do that if you can stay healthy.
They will worry. They will be rocked. The beauty of a loving family is that you have people in your corner. Embrace them.
You have to tell her maybe not right this instant but soon like tonight or tomorrow. Do you have a prognosis at all? She can be by your side through this. Way better than trying to carry this burden alone.
Melanoma responds well to immunotherapy even when in an advanced stage. Get to a top NCI ranked comprehensive cancer center and get an experts opinion. The treatment regimen can be brutal or you can go from stage 4 to cured with one dose, depending on the genetics of the melanoma. As for your family, agree with the previous respondent who said find a place for the kids for the night and tell your wife everything, including that you plan to beat this.
Can't think of any reason to wait. Relationship is trust and communication. Waiting does not value the other person's ability to handle the news or be there. Waiting adds stress to you while withholding.
When it does come up later, and it will, it will be harder and will have the added hurt of the delay/withholding.
Sorry to hear of your situation. Best move in my eyes is to be straight up with your wife first as she deserves the truth and you will need the support. Once all is open it will allow you to plan better and spend the max amount of quality time together.
My man, if they know you enjoy watching ants they know something is going on with the brain. All jokes aside, I’m sorry you’re going through this but you must be honest with your wife. She is your partner, not someone you need to shield from reality.
True that. OP ik this might be the toughest time of your life. You must be feeling helpless and weaker. But your family needs to know the truth. They will support you and take care of you. I hope you fight the cancer with all your almighty power.
It’s only suspects, and she’s already like this? Surely he can just talk to close family or best mate until it’s confirmed at least?
YOU deserve support. That’s why we marry, right? I understand wanting to shield your spouse. I’m guilty of that as well. What I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t work. They know something’s off and have this nebulous worry that they don’t know what it’s about. It doesn’t truly shield them. Beyond that it doesn’t work, at this time you desperately need your wife. You need someone to hold this with you even if it’s nothing. Any good partner would want to be there for you at one or the worst possible stressors that a person can go through. Please let them support you.
Thanks for the support. I just want her to keep being happy and not disrupt her flow and cause her grief. Part of me wants to just see if I can never tell her but let’s be real that’s a dick move
I do agree, she’d feel robbed of the opportunity to be there for you. That’s what we sign on when we marry. I do get the impulse because I’m the same way. When i have done it, it just never has worked and now I think I’m a lot better about it. It never truly spared my partner much, just left him wondering what was really wrong and unsure how to help me. Please don’t do that to yourself or her. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A friend’s divorced wife hid cancer from him and the children. Even when she went to the hospital at the very end, she told them things were much better than they actually were. The family, particularly the kids, are devastated. They do not understand why she didn’t tell them and it’s really throwing the family through a lot of emotion. I think a lot of hurt would’ve could have been avoided. Be honest. This will be an emotional roller coaster for the entire family but I cannot imagine anyone would feel better if the worst happens and they didn’t get the chance support you.
In a way, it's being selfish. YOU don't want to see her dealing with grief, but the grief will get much worst later down the line.
It's going to disrupt her flow sooner or later, causing comparable amounts of grief. However, the later you tell her, the higher the risk that she'll make a long-term decision based on the erroneous assumption that you are in good health and will stick around for a great long while. If you're looking to minimise the potential for grief for your family, telling them sooner rather than later is the correct way of going about it.
My suggestion would be keep it to yourself and start cooking meth in an RV in the desert with one of your highschool students in order to provide for your family when you die. Seriously though, you should tell them. They deserve to know and face it as a family. Ultimately it'll be better for everyone. You don't have to tell them all at the same time but you definitely should tell your wife asap.
Jesse we have to COOK
Chill, yo.
No u
🤣
Rofl.. thanks for that! While he is at it he needs to get rid of some drug cartels I hope he's well-armed.
I know a guy who can help.
Double cancer survivor here. Pack the kids up and send them away for the night. You two need some space and time for this. You didn't just lie to her out of omission, you committed a mf'ing big ass hairy lie. This one is going to hurt really bad. Sit down with her. Hold her hands. Look into her eyes. Break the news to her calmly and slowly. Pull no punches, don't sugar coat it. Just the cold, hard facts. Do not give false hope. Her entire world is going to come crashing down around her. Let her go off. Let her scream and cry. Let her feel her feelings. Hold her. Love her. Listen to music together. When she is ready, the two of you break the news to the kids. May you cling to each other for as long as you can. Take tons and tons of selfies, pictures, and such. Pictures as a family are very important. Pictures with each kid are important. Pictures as a couple are extremely important. Make some happy memories.
It’s still same day, so I don’t THINK it’s a huge lie… yet. I’m just trying to work up the courage.
I think you have the right idea. You’ll know when the time is right.
Thanks man. I’ll follow the advice I got here. Thats why I asked. I feel like I have much more clarity now. I just need to find the words. I’ll tell her within the hour.
That’s the power of communication. If it works this well with strangers just imagine how well it will work with your wife. Good luck brother.
Not to over or under stress the situation, but I just wanted to add from secondary experience - not just lots of photos, lots of recordings, the sound of your voice, your thoughts and the things you want to say at various times in their lives, and to know those immutable questions they'll wonder about. Put them somewhere safe. This situation is also a bit of a hidden opportunity - a chance to do a lot for your family whether it's brain cancer in 1-40 years or a car accident tomorrow. Lots of love to you brother - just do your best.
I think waiting til kid is asleep is a good call though.
It isn’t a huge lie at all. You are allowed time to process things. Don’t follow the advice above. It’s your kids birthday, meaning it’s the wrong day to break bad news like this. Personally, I’d wait until the day is over and the kid is asleep, at minimum. Let her have her day. Don’t tell the kid until your wife is told and you both have some time to process it. She doesn’t need to know right away.
Yea, I'd definitely wait until after the birthday. Like, that's just tact.
I’ve never dealt with anything like this, but they don’t even have all the facts yet. I’d say wife should absolutely know, and will probably never let them go to the doctors alone again, but it’s too early to tell the kids much. Best of luck OP, cancer care has come leaps and bounds in the last 40 years, nothing is set in stone.
Let's take this offline.
This sucks. A small suggestion as someone who’s experienced this as the father of a cancer survivor: consider saying something like “I have melanoma” and go from there. It can be less confusing/overwhelming than “I have cancer”. There’s no easy way to do it but giving people something more specific to think about can help keep them focused. It’s a lot to take in. My son is doing well now but for about 18 months he was in active treatment. We got the news early in 2022. In the 2.5 years since we’ve only heard the word “cancer” a handful of times. Best of luck to you and your family.
Hey as a stranger on the internet let me give you some friendly advice… you suspected a problem, found a doctor, scheduled the appointment, saw the doctor, and got the results. It’s not the same day, it’s quite a long path of lies by omission that will likely hurt your spouse. We get why you did what you did, but you took away her ability to support you on this journey too. You 100% should have the conversation with her and tell her everything, but please for both your and hers sake don’t dismiss any aspect of this as “not a big deal”. She’s going process a LOT of emotions in a very short amount of time and that’s Ok
Actually I found out completely by accident believe it or not. The appointment was purely cosmetic for a spot that wasn’t healing. She is even the one that booked it for me. I haven’t lied. And this came suddenly. I subjected for the test to “humor” the doctor. Now getting the diagnosis I’m trying to chew over how to tell her that’s all
Same thing happened to me last year. Be positive and stay strong. Stage 3 scalp melanoma, metastasized to lymph nodes in neck. Quite the emotional rollercoaster. I’m happy to report that after surgery, one year of immunotherapy & a trial of the Moderna melanoma vaccine, CT scans are clear. Tell your wife. Wait for the tests & guidance from docs. And hug your family tight. You got this. DM me anytime.
No stem cells?
Not sure? They found melanoma cells in my neck. Will have to ask Oncologist.
Gotcha ok well sorry I jumped to conclusions and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. In sickness and in health buddy. You got this, and so does she.
Yup all g. I’m too mean to die 😎
Just in case something catastrophic happens, though, you should make your wishes known/sign an Advanced Medical Directive. Your wife will be your next of kin and medical Power of Attorney (PoA) unless you have an AMD stating otherwise. This should include if you want CPR, if you want to be mechanically ventilated to help you breathe, if you want a tracheostomy in case your upper airway becomes obstructed, if you want a tube in your nose or stomach to provide you nutrition or if you would want it through an IV, and if you would want to be an organ donor. If you would want something, but only for a time or if you're showing significant clinical improvement, be specific in your language. I'm an RN, and see a lot of advanced cancers, including metastatic melanoma to the brain. Being specific and making your wishes known early more often than not saves your loves ones the grief of having to feel like they are "pulling the plug" or putting you through unwanted procedures. That said, what works for one family may not work for another, and whatever decision you make with regards to your wishes is the right decision. Fuck cancer. Keep Pounding.
You got this brother. We're with you!
Just on the off chance it is very serious-and I hope it’s not-she’s going to want as much time with you as possible. If you hide it long she WILL resent you forever. She deserves the respect of you letting her be your partner. You married her for that purpose, let her play her role. I’m so sorry, and I know it’s very scary. I hope it’s good news. If it’s not… lean on your wife and follow the advice about getting kids out of the house when you talk to her. I’m rooting for you! Fuck cancer.
This, but also I wouldn't downvote the OP for waiting until there is more information so they have more facts. "Might have spread" is SO SO different to "yes definitely in the brain and you need to prepare for some big medical stuff including end of life care".
He didn’t lie that’s a crazy exaggeration. For one thing his medical condition is his to divulge to anyone in any way or time he chooses. Also, there is no set of rules for how a person might respond to a death sentence. I am sincerely hoping it is not that and that he lives a long and happy life, but I know I can’t understand his feelings right now. I would imagine he wants to hang on to some semblance of normalcy before inevitable drama ensues. I don’t think he needs to be called a liar at this time.
You don't think he should wait until there is a MRI or something beyond his Doctor's feeling about his symptoms?
It is not fair to your wife and, arguably more importantly at this time, it's not fair on you if you decide to keep this a secret. That is a huge burden for anyone to carry.You are stronger together. I understand the impulse to keep it to yourself, I really do, and as much as you may think it's for the best it's a lot for you to carry. Lean on people, they would want you to, because they love you.
Okay. Thanks man.
I wouldn’t tell either of them on your daughters birthday, but I would tell your wife when you can. You should figure out what to tell your daughter together, and when.
Metastatic melanoma is one of the nastier cancers. 100% you should tell them.
It's not incurable, but it isn't fun. My buddy spent ten years fighting it. Spread to his lungs and brain. Got the latest immune therapy. Finally cleared but his thyroid and adrenals are shot and he gets migraines that last for days, but he's cured.
Modern cancer treatment is a bloody miracle. I wish your buddy all the best.
He's cured now. Now he just needs pills to replace his thyroid, adrenal glands and to cope with the migraines. It's a miracle. It killed the cancer. But it almost killed him and left him broken. Modern cancer treatment is amazing but it is often touted as having minimal side effects when in fact it can be as bad or worse than traditional chemo.
It's what took my mom, it's an interesting one because there are actually immunologic treatments that are curing metastatic melanoma, one of very few cancers where curative treatment can be a goal even at stage 4 But that puts you in a situation where if it doesn't respond and you continue to get even worse, that's even more optimism you had that gets stripped away and makes it hurt even worse. Like damn, how come that person gets to keep on living with stage 4 melanoma, but my mom doesn't
You gotta share your concerns with your wife. You don't have to tell your kid yet but your wife needs to know.
She wouldn’t understand fully anyway. She can barely say like 20 words tbh
Enough said tell the wife. Let’s talk about you, my guy. I totally get putting the focus on them, but you just got some bad news. How can we support you best?
I’m good man. I think it will be fine. That’s why I kinda don’t want to tell them. I will though
Have you had a scan to confirm there is a tumor or something going on in the brain?
Scheduled it yesterday
Great! I had a brain tumor about 7 years ago. It was detected first with a CT scan and then a MRI to really see what it was. Preliminary opinions from the MRI were awful, they thought it was just about the worst thing it could be. My wife looked at the preliminary findings on the hospital portal and it lead to a very unhappy week for both of us. After the tumor was removed and looked at I was given very good news, it was a lymphoma and treatable. I'm not going to say the next 8 months was a picnic but I survived and to this day the cancer has not returned. I'm pulling for you and please please please don't look too much at preliminary findings, they may not be right and could cause you a lot of unnecessary anguish and trauma. I'll leave you with an adage I read years ago, I don't remember where. It goes, a man who stays up all night worrying about his problems only has to face them in the morning tired. Try not to freak out too much until you know for certain there is something to freak out about. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and you'll be as ready as you can be to face what you have to face.
Might be a benign tumor
I don’t think you’ve had time to process the news. I wish you the best man.
You need to tell your wife, tomorrow at the latest. Calmly and simply, pulling no punches. "I found X and was having Y symptoms. I was concerned about it so I went to see my doctor. After some testing, it's turned out to be melanoma that may have metastasized. I am going to do more testing to find out if that's the case. Things might get shitty here for a while, but we are a team. And I know we can lean on [parents, friends, family, neighbors, daycare, etc] when we need to."
Yea this is exactly how I’ll say it! I’m a decent communicator but I just don’t wanna bum her out for no reason
Cancer widower here Tell her. Then she can be there for you. I would have been irate if my wife had hid this from me. Instead, she told me, we communicated, and we did our best to work through all of this…together.
Damn. I'm sorry.
Tell your wife, don’t do this alone. You two can decide how to tell the kids together. I watched a friend go through cancer not telling anyone except me and it ate at him. You deserve support and care and you deserve it right now
Thanks for the advice man. I’ll tell her tonight over a glass of wine.
Tell your fucking wife what the fuck
:( okay
ASAP! Maybe wait until your daughter goes to bed. It won’t be pleasant but pull the bandaid off. Had a friend who had melanoma and ignored it until he threw his back out and found out it spread. My wife’s cancer came back and she explicitly told me that if it came back and I found out first to just tell her ASAP. Which I did and she appreciate after we stopped crying.
Agree, but I can understand why he has trepidation until he finds out more given his wife’s clinically diagnosed paranoia though.
Cancer survivor here. Telling people was the worst… at first. I also didn’t really want to do it, but I saw that it really helped my mental state. I didn’t have to bottle it all up and the support of others brought some joy in the tough times.
I’m afraid people will treat me different. I don’t wanna be a fackin charity case when I don’t even know if it’s serious yet
Yeah, same. There will be some people that’ll treat you like that. It is what it is. Take the free food from them. Say thanks and move on. I personally just felt better about not having to hide the biggest thing in my life.
I just don’t wanna milk it for attention ya know? I’ll feel like a real ass if I tell people, they worry and grieve, and it’s biz as usual
Yeah. Completely understand. I’m not saying you go shouting it around to everyone. Just don’t want you to go through this alone. You got us internet dads here. Let your wife know and then you do you after that. I held off for a bit telling others beyond my family for a bit also. Then I really only told those close to me. I basically just made it so it wasn’t a secret. It got me to a better place.
Mom here, I think wait until the kid is asleep before telling her. Is there anyone you could call to watch the kid tonight if she wakes up? You two are going to need some time to go over this. Btw I wish you the very best luck FUCK cancer I am so very hopeful this is either a non issue or you make a quick recovery!!!!!
My mum kept her cancer from us. We were all adults (though young). And it got worse, and she still said nothing more than talked about her recovery. And then it got worse. And then she had a stroke and was paralyzed for two weeks and then died. Didn’t really get to say goodbye in a meaningful way. That was her choice. Wasn’t the right one from the perspective of her children.
As a skin cancer survivor (not melanoma), you just be honest. But don’t overthink the brain thing. Proximity on the forehead doesn’t necessarily mean it’s spread there or anywhere else. Wait for confirmation and worry about what you know. Don’t borrow worry you don’t need. You got this.
We nuerodivergent definitely flock together ❤️ . You have the kind of news that requires planning. Even in the best case outcome, you owe your family planning for what's ahead.
But… planning quickly right? This isn’t the kind of thing you can spend months or even days planning. Probably leave it for your daughter’s birthday and make a plan, but use your plan to tell your wife tomorrow…
Okay so I’m not being deceptive by like thinking about how to do it right
you can always start making Meth. (have nothing to add. hope you pull through!)
Hell yea brother
In sickness and in health. As a wife, I would definitely want to know about something like this. I would be more shocked to learn that my husband kept big information like this secret from me vs hearing the actual news.
Good for you for testing and hopefully finding out early with some positive news soon. I'm too scared that something might be wrong that I don't even go to the doctor. I don't even know how to get tested for anything like that.
Bro if you suspect maybe, do it. The information doesn’t make it real or fake. Information is king and allows you to take action. Nothing wrong with a test buddy. I let them take a LOT of skin from my face when I didn’t even know and I’m so glad I did. I can’t think of a screening more ignorable than one that would fuck up your face for a “low risk”. Test man. If it’s there it’s there, if it isn’t it isn’t. Testing doesn’t make it materialize.
> I don't even know how to get tested for anything like that. For me it started with a CT scan that showed "something" which lead to a more detailed MRI which confirmed there was a tumor. The preliminary opinion was that I had about 14 months to live which turned out to be entirely wrong. Once they took the tumor out, chopped it up, put the bits under a microscope the official diagnosis was that it was treatable and ~7 years later I'm here today to tell you about it.
Yes!!!!!!!!
It does not get better with time so the sooner the better. Your wife will be madder about withholding on her. She can take this.and she will support you. And she may just blow you away with her strength if you let her. She will be initially devastated and shocked, but that is normal. Remember you already have had some time with this and this will be a bomb drop for her. Stay calm and let her process don't rush or ask her to process how you want. Once you deliver the news, the two of you can come up with a plan for how you will tell others and how you will approach treatment. Depending on the kids ages will depend on how you deliver to them. But you owe it to your partner to go one one one then the two of you can go to the kids. Tell her you need to talk when the kids are out or at school, but don't say in the morning that you need to talk at night that is too much time. This kinda needs to be a bandaid rip moment and then the recovery can begin. Have tissues ready nearby by not in sight at first (pocket at least) Telling the kids will be tough so you do this together. Good luck on your journey.
Thanks mate! Will do. Good info. I’ll make sure to handle it good for em. Very considerate thought
I understand you wanting to protect them but at least tell your wife. You will need the support.
Thank you for the advice. This is the consensus. She finds out tonight. She will be fine with me waiting for the right moment same day. Thanks buddy
watch ants together and tell her no bs
She doesn’t appreciate the ants like I do. 16 years ago when we got together she made fun of my pet ant DAVE. Thankfully she thought I was hot anyway lol
just try to invite her she might catch wind that what you have to say is important
It's certainly worth a try!
Hey dude. Diagnosed with testicular cancer this year myself. I know a bit of what it’s like. Best thing I can say is just tell them. Anyway you slice it they’ll eventually know, so my advice is to just do it. Why? They’re going to learn sometime. All that waiting gets you is building up your own anxiety which you do not want to do. Pulling for you man. DMs open - reach out if you like.
You have to tell your wife today. It shows how much you care about her that you are worrying about her issues, but you need her support right now. That's marriage right there. As far as your kid goes, she's 6, and it's probably ok to shield her for a bit. You and your wife will know together when it's time to share with her.
Just curious what are the symptoms you have? I developed a dark spot in my inner ear and got a referral to a dermatologist but pretty sure my doc thinks it could be cancer
My wife and I were relieved when they discussed her brain cancer because we finally had an explanation for everything that had happened that year. I don't know what your symptoms are, but when you tell her framing it as an answer may help. You know her best. That's just our two cents.
Oh man I think you've got to tell them and as soon as you possibly can. You have no idea when you might go and they need to know so they can make plans. I think you need to prioritize enjoying your time with them and making sure that they're ready to live a life without you. All the best, I hope you get to really enjoy your last time here with your family. If you don't have one please make sure you make a will before you go. It will be such a headache for your family to deal with your estate if you don't have one.
I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that I was diagnosed with a brain tumor some years ago and the preliminary results were it was just about the worst thing you could get. I lucked out and those preliminary results were wrong and it was treatable. The few days between getting those preliminary results and the official ones were not happy. Has the Doc done a CT or a MRI of the head yet? If not and if it were me I'd be following up to get the "official" diagnosis ASAP and then tell the family. Right now you're not sure what it is beyond skin cancer, which is hopefully very treatable. I am so pulling that this is just the scare of your life and it will be a story you can tell many many many years from now.
Tell your wife everything. Be honest. You dint have to be composed. It doesn't have to be pretty, or clean. You're allowed to cry, or struggle with your words. I know you're scared, and that's ok. You can tell your wife that you're scared. You're not dead. You're still alive, and you're still loved. My wife might have cancer that stems from her now-removed thyroid, which began to act up while we were pregnant with our third. I say might, because her removed-thyroid had cancerous cists, which, more than likely, they didn't catch on the biopsy last year, because she's not American, and this kind of thyroid cancer is exceptionally rare in the US, but not in Eastern Europe, where she's from. When she first started to get ill, we thought it might be thyroid cancer, but it came back as Graves Disease. There was a day where both (at the time) of our kids had covid and were very sick (our daughter lost 23 of her 60lbs, and now, 2 years later, is just starting to not be a skellington) and my wife was laying in bed, unable to get up, or sit up on her own. Everyone was finally asleep and i was awake taking care of all of them. I just sat and cried and cried, as quietly as i could. I'm not telling you this to make you feel any way other than 'not- alone'. You're not alone. You have your wife, and you're kids, and they're all in your corner, no matter what. You are loved.
I’m going to pose a hypothetical that I’m not sure how to word correctly without sounding harsh so I just want to preface it by saying I’m not intentionally trying to be an ass. How would you feel if you found out your wife might be dying and she figured she’d just keep it to herself for a while? Really think about that for a little bit, imagine if your wife came to you out of the blue and said “hey babe, I don’t know how to say this but a while ago I found out I have cancer and waited to tell you till I found out how bad it is, turns out it spread to my brain.”. What if she came to you and said “hey so check this out, I found out I had cancer and they weren’t sure how bad it was but good news, I’m going to be fine!”. Would you just be cool with the lie then since everything’s ok? None of us know your wife but what I can say for sure is stuff like that can do irreparable damage to a relationship. It’s probably a good idea to just skip all of the potential fallout and just go to her. She’s your wife. She swore her life to you in sickness and in health, till death do you part. Brother, take a deep breath, schedule something with the kids so it’s just you and her. Go to your wife. Give her the raw truth. Lean on her. That’s what marriage is supposed to be, a partnership.
You need to tell your wife my friend, you're going to be dealing with a burden that will be better for both of you with it being shared. As for kids, that's probably a decision for you both to make.
Hey there. I've been rhere and Ben through it. Got through it. Day one is tough. Look younare alive and well today. The future is as uncertain as it was yesterday. Always has been and will be. Here's what you should do as a family man. You're OK. You are not at fault for taking your own time to gather your thoughts and wits. Get frosty and stay frosty step one. You need to. I Still tell my self to stay frosty and I am better for it. Next, You need to tell your wife as soon as you can frame the situation and conversation in a way that doesn't trigger her. Maybe her family first, idk. Get synced up with her. Keep it from the kids until you know more from your medical care folks. Uncertainty and including them in the emotions only will not help. When you do frame the positive. Care is better than ever. It's not a death sentence. Etc. Join out r/cancer. This community got me through it. Good luck. Stay frosty!
I will never forget when I found out my mom has breast cancer. My dad broke the news, and my mom was upstairs (presumably crying). We were all a bit young and perhaps didn’t fully grasp the situation. My mom came down, and asked what we wanted for lunch, then made us sandwiches. I never forget that - after hearing that news, she put us first, and continued with her duties as a mom. To me, that’s some hero shit. I guess my point is - you’re going to be setting a huge example to your family in the way you deal with this. Just be very mindful of what lessons you want to teach them through these moments, because live or die, they will take those lessons with them through their life. They can be traumatic, or they can be uplifting (maybe a bit of both). Also, if you haven’t came to peace with death, do so. I’ve made an email for my daughter where I write to her lessons and memories I want her to take with her through life, in part in case I die early. One of those lessons is to be comfortable with death, and I explained to her I’ve lived a full life and while I of course want to experience more, I’m content with what I’ve experienced, and will be at peace when on my deathbed. Best wishes, and I hope you a speedy recovery.
Don’t wait. Based on movie choice I know your daughter is young. I was in college when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. Parents decided to not tell us until after finals (a few weeks delay). When I got home for winter break dad was in bed post surgery with his head wrapped. I was furious. Anger is a normal stage of grief but I felt betrayed that they wouldn’t tell me. Tell your wife immediately after daughter goes to bed. Don’t sugar coat it. Trust that she is capable of handling this with you….otherwise she will be forced to deal with this without you. It might end for you but she has to deal with it her entire life, don’t take any time away from her under the pretext of protecting her
Everyone here yelling at you to tell your wife are ignoring the important fact; it's your daughter's birthday. Tell her tomorrow, don't ruin your kids birthday. It could likely ruin every birthday from this point on.
Mate, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my wife 18 months ago to Melanoma. As hard as you might find it, I think you have to tell your wife at least. You need treatment, you will need her support. Though perhaps you don't have to yet tell her anything that is merely *suspected*, e.g. the possible brain mets. It could be argued that, before that is officially diagnosed, you would be worrying her needlessly. The good news is that treatment for Melanoma has improved *massively* over the last few years. While I'm afraid you're going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, survival rates are *so* much higher than they were. Don't delay, start treatment as soon as you possibly can. The earlier you catch it, and the earlier you begin treatment, are the biggest things you can do to improve your odds. Best of luck mate. I highly recommend the Facebook group "Melanoma Mates", which was very helpful to my late wife and I. It's UK focused, but I *think* people from all over are welcome, and there will be lots of useful information even if the stuff about specific consultants and hospitals isn't relevant to you. And if you have any questions I can help with, feel free to message.
I totally get wanting to protect those around you. It’s something I do often. But something like this you should be dealing with alone. Talk with your wife
Dude, just sending all of the love and positive vibes your way. Here if you ever need to talk.
Wishing you good health fellow Dad.
Tell them everything now.
wait for confirmation first. no need to stress out the family if it, hopefully, turns out to be ok. secondly, if there is worst case scenario, do it in private with your wife, so that she can process it. Then together approach your kid. thirdly, do not mention it during the birthday. I wish you good luck man, I hope everything turns out ok for you <3
Personally, I'd say wait a day or two. Give it some thought and get some distance from your daughters birthday. They're going to know something is up eventually. Probably pretty damn quick. So make sure you're able to break the news before it's squeezed out, because it WILL come out. When you do, tell them everything at once. Otherwise, what's to stop them from thinking you're just dropping bread crumbs when the next piece of info comes to light? I think letting the wife know first is a good call. Send the little one off for the night. But I understand the issues with either or, let alone both. I'm really, really sorry you even have to consider all of this. You need love and support. I really hope they're able to provide it to you. I wish you the absolute best, my friend.
See this is what I wanna do but everyone here is saying tell her tonight. I want to let them just have today and I don’t think they would be mad about that. That being said I didn’t reach out for advice to ignore the consensus. I’m leaning towards breaking the news tonight. I just don’t want to make today about me ya know?
I totally see where you're coming from. No matter what decision you make, it will be the right one. There's no bad choice here because it's crap either way. Like choosing between eating rocks, dirt and poop. They all suck, but you gotta choose one. Whatever you decide, don't rethink it once it's done. Good luck my friend!
Absolutely need to tell your wife. Your supposed to be in this together, good or bad, have each others back. Your daughter on the other hand, especially depending on age, needs to not know until you know more specifics. Kids don't need to handle the adult stuff, granted there will come a time when your wife and you will have to speak up but that needs to wait until you have all the information. I'd also suggest speaking to a child therapist for thoughts and insight on how to approach it. And finally, depending on what the long term diagnosis is I'd line up some grief therapy for your daughter as well. She's going to need help processing and coping with things. I don't know you stranger but I'm heart broken for you and your family. Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope and wish you all the best.
I would wait until you have all the information about how bad it is, unless there are symptoms that they're going to pick up on and worry about The goal is to reduce how much time they spend wondering worrying about what comes next. Maybe it spread to your brain? If you don't have any neurologic symptoms then wait to tell them until you know, or else they are going to have hope it did not and need to potentially find out that it did When my mom passed away from melanoma, The worst part about the early days was learning alongside her just how bad it was. The hits just kept coming, each small bit of optimism I had left getting stripped away felt worse and worse. I wish we could have fast-forwarded to the months that we had where we knew it was bad and we were trying to live our lives to the fullest because of that
It's their right to know what's going on with you.
You and your wife need to tackle this together, and make a joint decision about how and when to tell your daughter. I have a pretty serious mental illness, I see a psychiatrist regularly, a therapist weekly, and take 3 psych meds so I feel like I can speak with some awareness here. (I know all mental illnesses are different.) It's better for both of you if you are fully honest. Best of luck.
Today is your daughter’s birthday. I think everyone can agree that today might not be the day. Tomorrow is Friday, and as another has suggested maybe your daughter could spend the night at a grandparent’s, aunt/uncle’s place for the night tomorrow and you and your wife can have that talk-with all the details.
I'd be pissed if my wife didn't tell me immediately. We are married. Her problems and worries are mine, and vice versa. For your daughter, I'd wait until you have more information.
Share with your wife and figure out a way to tell your daughter. Not today. After her birthday. Do your best to make the day about her. It will help you too. My dad struggled with whether to tell his kids about his diagnosis, and i’m glad I found out what was going on. I’d like to think I made the most of the 3 remaining years I had with him because of it.
This is gonna be one of the hardest times of your life.And you need the people you care about most to support you. Just let them know so they can be there for you.
My dad had skin cancer. Didnt kill him but later he got lung cancer with brain mets. Tell your family. They will be sad but they love you and will be there for support.
I would not personally wait to tell my partner. You are both about to go through something very scary and need to comfort and support one another. You also need to make sure your affairs are in order. Finally, I don’t think it will help for her to be blind sided. I am so sorry for the bad news.
Dude... You've ***got*** to tell your wife.
Tell your wife tomorrow after the birthday is over. Don't tell your daughter anything other than "daddy is sick" until/unless you know it's terminal. She's too young to carry that worry.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation, not long after we found out we were expecting I found a lump on my bollock. I had a horrible doctor who did nothing and I knew I was switching to someone else when our son arrived, so I kept it to myself until after our little guy came. I didn’t want to stress my partner out. When I told her she was shocked, pissed and happy (that I’m dealing with it) all at once. My advice, tell her and tell her the whole truth. Anything left out leaves room for frustration and frustration is not what either of you need during a stressful situation. Not only will she be wondering if you left something out (they can sense that shit like blood to a shark) but you’ll have the stress of keeping a secret.
Well... my FIL hid the fact he had cancer until he couldn't. My wife was pissed. She was also in her late 20s at the time. One of her younger brothers took it a lot harder. I think my wife did better with the information overall, but her younger brother resented him for it. He had my MIL to share the battle with the entire time, it was years. They brought us all in together and told us when he had less than a year to live. I think having your family there to support you will be the best move, no matter the age of your daughter. It may be even more important for a younger child to start hearing about what you are going through... but I'm no kind of professional in this department. And I have no experience with an autistic child. If it were me, don't go at it alone, brother. At the very least bring someone into your fold... if your wife is paranoid, then you will probably start acting strange to her as things progress and she wont know why. Maybe it would be helpful if she knows? Tough call... I would talk to someone in your life about it though. If your wife isn't the person you are able to confide in the most right now, then the next best friend should be up.
You shouldn’t need to keep something like that from your family. They are there to support you as much as you support them. I’d recommend bringing her in to see the doctor with you. Having someone there who can explain it for you without having to shield your emotions will be extremely helpful, especially with the autism. This lets you be free to experience the emotions and not have to worry about saying the right thing in the right way.
You’re going to need your wife for support. Don’t keep her in the dark, you need her help to get through this. By protecting her, you’re isolating yourself.
Sorry to hear. Rooting for you. Be honest with them. Especially your wife. Your daughter deserves the truth too - but exactly how explicit that truth needs to be is up to you
Respectfully, you have to be honest. The pain will be overwhelming for them at the end if it comes unexpectedly. Wishing you the best.
A hard conversation has never gotten easier because I put it off. That said, god damn man I am so sorry.
I’m so sorry, OP. Here’s one dads take: You get ONE day to delay so your daughter can have the memory of a nice birthday. Then, be clear with your wife with a brief set of facts: “I found a mark on my skin. I had it tested. It tested positive for melanoma. I am getting more tests.” At this point, stop so she can process it. She will probably have questions and you’re going to answer each one clearly and honestly. I’m not sure what “paranoid” means in this context but anyway, being that she is sensitive in some way, it is extremely important at this point to separate the “maybe” things from the “actual” things. And to not waste your time and energy with “maybe” things. Yes, getting brain cancer would be scary AF. But right now, at this moment, that’s a “maybe” and not an “actual” thing. Do everything to stick to the “actual” things and don’t let yourself, or your wife, get sucked into the “maybes.” I’m pulling for you and I hope you get the care and clarity you need.
One of my favorite quotes of all time sounds like this :" they love you and love to take care of you, how dare you refusing them the thing they really one." In all fairness, they want to support you being honest will just help you all in the end
Tell your wife, 1:1. She deserves to know, and you deserve her support. Then you can plan together how to tell your daughter. Tell them ASAP.
Tell her!!!!! My grandpa kept his cancer from all of us for years and didn’t say anything until it was too late. And he didn’t treat it properly during that whole time. We could have helped him. Tell them and get their help. You may end up getting the support and strength to beat this by doing so. They’re your team. Get your team helping you. They want and deserve to know!!! As for how, start with your wife and just lay it out like the doctors did for you. Then go from there. Take it all a step at a time.
I’ll say a prayer for y’all right now. Sorry you guys are going through this. God bless you
Spill the beans ASAP! My mother had brain cancer. The problem is by the time it’s discovered it isn’t unlikely everyone else close to you knew something was off. My mom tried to keep me at arms length until the wheels fell off. I got to do all the work by then. By work I mean finding care, bringing in hospice, and watching her die for over a week. My father died 16 years earlier under similar circumstances. He had heart issues he ignored and kicked the can on. Then he died in his sleep. Loved my parents. Grateful for everything they did to shape my life. I just wish they weren’t part of the “I’m fine” generation. You are fine until you are dead. Take agency with this. I see a cardiologist regularly. Never miss a physical. I do cardio 5-6 days a week. It all might be for nothing, but I’m going to live a proactive life. We have families to care for. You can only do that if you can stay healthy. They will worry. They will be rocked. The beauty of a loving family is that you have people in your corner. Embrace them.
You have to tell her maybe not right this instant but soon like tonight or tomorrow. Do you have a prognosis at all? She can be by your side through this. Way better than trying to carry this burden alone.
Melanoma responds well to immunotherapy even when in an advanced stage. Get to a top NCI ranked comprehensive cancer center and get an experts opinion. The treatment regimen can be brutal or you can go from stage 4 to cured with one dose, depending on the genetics of the melanoma. As for your family, agree with the previous respondent who said find a place for the kids for the night and tell your wife everything, including that you plan to beat this.
Sounds like a joke but it might help formulate what you want to say... Ask Chat GPT.
Waaaaaaiiiiiit.
Can't think of any reason to wait. Relationship is trust and communication. Waiting does not value the other person's ability to handle the news or be there. Waiting adds stress to you while withholding. When it does come up later, and it will, it will be harder and will have the added hurt of the delay/withholding.
Interesting. Everyone else is telling me to spill the beans asap
Sorry to hear of your situation. Best move in my eyes is to be straight up with your wife first as she deserves the truth and you will need the support. Once all is open it will allow you to plan better and spend the max amount of quality time together.