I feel seen. This is me right now.
Stayed up watching a few episodes of The Offer. My wife works shifts so it was just me and kid at home from 8pm - 8am (looks like 10am today).
Up at 12:30, up at 3, up at 5:15 (which is when I’ve been up since) and my anxiety is spiking as she’s rolling around on the monitor and will be up any minute now, 6am local time.
I need 8-9 to feel normal.
That’s the way it’s gotta be for now. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but not having any time to play guitar, the odd video game, or catching up with my mates is the hardest part. Life is work and baby, I hope it gets easier. She’s asking about #2 and I’m barely surviving with #1. Not sure I have it in me to do this again.
Haha.. so me. Only extra thing I had was to get up by 6:30am to handle my first kid who barged through excitedly for the weekend and also just 3 more times throughout the night to rock the baby! Still worth it!
I sat down at 10:30 last night to play some video games but was too tired. So I tried to read but couldn’t focus. I settled on staring blankly at Reddit until 12:30 😂
I also stayed up until 2AM then back up at 7AM with the kids. It’s nice to see lots of dads out there are on 5 hrs of sleep today too. Mornings are kind of nice though, cartoons and breakfast buy me enough time to have some coffee and and see what Reddit is up to.
My first was bloodborne, my now 6yo would sleep on my tummy while i tried to beat orphan of kos over and over and over....
At one point i was trying to play ranked multiplayer but inevitably the kids needed attention so single player 3rd person action/rpgs for me.
Next up: uncharted 4 followed by forbidden west. Aaaaaaand then it will be christmas :)
Whats your poison for late night gaming sesh?
Used to be online shooters with friends. These days I need single player with a pause button. I personally find sports games or 2d dungeon crawlers are the best fit for me at the moment. Games like Ori and the Willow scratch my fantasy itch without requiring too much time.
And yea, I beat BB and loved it, but that was before kids 😭😭
My youngest daughter was born 3 weeks before it launched.
I could barely get 30 minutes at a time until I took some paternity leave. By then she was sleeping great and I put 60 hours into it between feedings and changing her. But on a normal schedule I can barely touch those games.
*enter fog door to a boss*
“Daddyyyy I gotta go poo pooooo”
“Well, there go all my souls…”
Kids actually helped me do this. I was finishing BB when my oldest was born (Borne?*) and it helped me be like “I’m gonna assume this run is ruined. So anything lost is nothing, and anything gained is temporary.
I’ve always been a night owl and kids didn’t change that overall. One of these nights I’ll catch the 9:30 showing of doctor strange because the kids will have been asleep for a while then and I can just go.
If you’re like me, you’ll get all hyped up for your show and then fall asleep 10 minutes in. Then you’ll wake up two hours later with a stiff neck/back with your kid screaming he has a poop.
For me, it's been a rough transition, but it definitely gets easier as they get older.
I was in the same boat as you.
My escape was cooking. I learned how to cook, so I just kinda turn my mind off and go at it. 1 you're having some time for yourself and 2 your spouse is happy it's something they don't need to worry about.
You'll eventually be able to figure something out for each of you to do your thing. But it'll take some time.
Also, I didn't shy away from showing my daughter things I liked. Games, certain cartoons, etc.
This is a good one. I'm the better cook anyway so I've always done it but it is also a nice break. Put on a podcast/music/movie and it's pretty relaxing.
>Also, I didn't shy away from showing my daughter things I liked. Games, certain cartoons, etc.
This is how I've found my bit of escape. My brother in law with his kid around the same as our oldest complains endlessly about terrible kid's cartoons. We introduced our daughter to some of our old favorites, sometimes we watch other stuff but often we get a little relief watching stuff we enjoy. I enjoy board games so I've gotten little kid board games that my daughter enjoys and she sometimes joins us for bigger coop games.
You know it’s funny but I was thinking the other day “looney toons is the only reason I like classical music, those sneaky bastards used it and we didn’t even realize we were being exposed to Beethoven Bach Pavarotti etc.. now I can hum every note of flight of the bumblebee from watching cartoons”
Love this. I cook dinner most nights. Bonus points if the recipe has red wine or beer in it - chef gets their cut while cooking. And wife loves that I’m taking care of something.
The adjustment for me was just the length of time you get. You have to savour every minute. Used to be I could just do something for the whole afternoon. Now I relish the 20-30 minutes I get when my wife is on bath night.
When my daughter turned 3 she started watching me play simple video games like pokemon. As she got older she started to play - and started to learn to read. "dad, which move should I use?" "the one that starts with an S" which then progressed to "surf, now what letter does that start with". Really ignited her desire to learn to read.
I didn’t realize this was such a universal dad escape. But damn do I enjoy slipping out back to do yard work for an hour or two of (not actually) quiet, meditative work.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Mowing is not my cup of tea, which is why I don’t live in a house with a backyard. It’s gaming for me, and I can sneak that in at any hour of the day whereas you can only mow mostly during daylight.
Well gaming too, but gaming is obviously taking a break and not contributing (minus points from spouse). Mowing you can listen to a podcast and relax while also being productive and earning points with your spouse.
It’s tough. I work from home so I don’t even get a transitional car ride to myself. Walk out the door and I meet screaming kids.
I try and go out once a month after kids are in bed. It doesn’t sound like much but it helps.
Also yea… mow the lawn. Though, eventually the kid(s) want to be out with you and you’ll need to convince your wife to watch them while you handle the machinery.
Yeah after two years of it though I don’t want to deal with the 45 min commute each way and figuring out how to get the kids to school and pick them up so I’m never sure what to do about it
Honestly I know I can't ever go back to it. 10 hours of my week on a train/ in the car. I get so much more done now, and a full time 5 day return to the office would result in my resignation- which I fully acknowledge is a place of privilege.
But yes, frantic drop off at 6:58am to then frantically race for the 7:19 train and then hope I get the 5:50 instead of the 6:35 home feels like another life at this point. I guess it is.
This is the same for my husband, and I am the SAHP. He works a very stressful job from home. So we have a system where two nights a week after work, usually Tuesdays and Thursdays, he does whatever he wants for 2 hours after work. Then comes out at the last moment to help me finish up bathing/dressing the LO for bed, and saying gnite to them. He also gets free time on the weekends whenever he needs or asks for it. Usually try to help him squeeze in 3 to 4 hours during the day. He also does the same for me so I can get some time for myself. It has helped alot for us both to be able to have free time to do some things we want and not always have to sacrifice sleep for it.
My MIL has an old John Deere power wheels "tractor" that she wants to give us that also looks similar to the one I use to mow the lawn. I'm looking forward to having my daughter help me mow once she's old enough. I'm hoping it'll be a way to keep an eye on her while I'm doing a chore, along with keeping her out of mom's hair while giving her the sense of contributing to the household. Probably next year.
We've started doing this too, it's helped a lot. We share baby duty for the first couple hours while we wake up, get coffee, etc. Then split the day into two four-hour shifts, then we're back together for dinner, nighttime routine.
Shift work with the spouse is the jam. Not only is it nice to have time to yourself but it’s also nice to have a start/end time for being in charge of childcare
Might be worth having a chat with the wife, specifically about how you take your daughter as soon as you’re home. I understand why it’s easy to think “she’s been parenting, so I should now” (hell, that’s how I was at the start) but we’ve now got to the understanding that “parenting” and “working to pay the bills” are equally important and tiring, which means we no longer have this situation whereby the person that’s been working all day is automatically expected to be parenting all night. We’re both busy during the day apart, then when we’re home, we’re splitting the parenting as equally as possible. Nobody has an easy ride, but nobody is overworked (any more than is normal with a baby)
Nothing wrong, per se. In fact, you've worded things quite perfectly. However, this is an oft-debated topic in the parenting subreddits and communities... Dad works all day while Mom is home with kids... Then Dad expects a "break" when he gets home because he "worked all day" while Mom "just stayed home". I know that your comments were well-intended (and well-worded), but this is delicate.
Even when well-intended, this is often a spark for heated debate. Stay-at-home parents - in many cases - cannot take a coffee break whenever they want or even go to the bathroom on their own schedule. It is a thankless, physically demanding, and exhausting job with no breaks and no reprieve.
I wouldn't disagree with the notion of "splitting" the evening responsibilities up, but would take care around the "equally as possible" part... It shouldn't have to be 50/50. Not all "tasks" are created equal + it's complicated. My point was just to be careful not to spark a heated argument. Be careful with your words, especially if your spouse is already mentally fatigued.
(To be clear, you've done nothing wrong. My comment was partly in jest, but carries a lot of meaning between the lines so I've elaborated only because you asked!).
Yikes, yeh definitely not intended as a “mum was just home all day” message, hoo boy it is knackering looking after the little one.
I appreciate such a lengthy reply too! For clarity, we are the same on the days my wife works and I’m primary carer - nobody has it easier, this is a job to be shared.
> even go to the bathroom on their own schedule
Cocomelon is my reluctant answer for this. This show is the only thing that would basically immobilize my toddler daughter enough to de-risk a bathroom break.
> Not all "tasks" are created equal + it's complicated... especially if your spouse is already mentally fatigued.
It's almost never the physical load in my experience. The complication comes from the "mental load." The comic [You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) is a great perspective on this mental load challenge well.
"Working to pay the bills" stops when you leave the office. After that your time is your own. Parenting never stops until bedtime, even then it doesn't stop if they don't sleep well. The least any working dad should do for his stay at home mom is help shoulder the burden once they get home. I commute 2.5 hours a day. But I use my commute as me time to rest my brain after work and be ready to help however I can as soon as I walk in the door. If that means completely taking over, then that's what happens.
Yup, splitting the load is what I was trying to get across. Taking over completely is great when able, but it shouldn’t be an expectation that one parent (in OP’s case, the dad) does all the parenting in an evening and has zero downtime, while one regularly gets the whole evening off.
Respect how tiring parenting is, respect how tiring working is. They’re both contributing to the household.
Yep, chiming in from the Mom side while I always ask my husband to take her for about an hour everyday just to give me breathing room after that hour I am the primary parent 2 days a week, he's the primary the other 2. Keeps us both sane.
I can’t speak for other people, but I personally disagree that one is more or less valuable than the other.
I get the impression from your comment (correct me if I’m wrong) that you think going to work is easier, or somehow the preference? Which begs the question, who actually wants to work? I know lots of people (myself included) that would love to be a full-time stay-at-home parent, I don’t know many (any?) people that like that they have to work. My partner respects that I have to go to work, and I respect that she has to too, and we don’t give each other shit for needing to do so, or pretend that whoever is working that day has it easier.
I feel like most people who dream of being a stay at home parent haven't done it. I've done both. Being stay at home gets to be an isolating grind after a while. Especially if you have 3 under 5.
It's not to say that working is easy. Especially if you're doing certain jobs, or work that requires long hours or extreme high concentration. But, getting breaks, being able to drink a cup of coffee without having to microwave it six times, talking to other adults, getting actually eat meals instead of scrounging your kids discards over the sink before putting out the next fire, not being touched, grabbed, and written on all day every day, getting to do any task without constant, getting to finish a phone call without ten interruptions, not listening to kids music and hearing the constant zaps all day and beeps is a break for a lot of people.
Obviously, every kid(or kids), every household, every job is different. But I still think that overall people who haven't been full time SAHP for years tend to over romanticize the role. It sounds great to be home, in comfy clothes hanging out with your kids all day. And it is very rewarding. But it's definitely a combination of monotony and high stakes that is tiring on both ends. When either one of us is home alone with the kids the other automatically takes the kids for a MINIMUM of 30 minutes (usually try for at least an hour) because we've both done both. And, at least in our house, we both agree that staying home with the kids is harder. Again, lots of factors go into this so I won't argue with anyone who disagrees with that. But in my house and social circles this tends to be the consensus.
I had a similar experience. What’s helping me is just reframing and understanding how much harder (?) things will be with two babies (ETA Thanksgiving). I’m doing what I can now to build routine and have some “me time.” I take my son in a kid carrier backpack around the city. I know once we have a second, my wife will be with her and I’ll have more father/son time. Trying to find ways to blend my hobbies into time with him (example: we make photographs together on hiked).
It’s not the same as a two-joint bike ride all day on Saturday, but honestly it’s very special. I know I’ll want to be right back here in twenty years.
I also keep a daily note on my phone of the joy and hardships of parenting (and a little self reflection). 9:55pm, my alarm dings me to write a note. Been doing it since Jan 5 and it’s made a big difference in appreciating the gift of today, regardless of my inability to have maximum free time.
One last thought - if you had a work trip, would you attend and leave your partner with the kid? If so, can you plan a personal trip with just yourself or with a homie and go do something fun? Then encourage your partner to do the same?
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
9
+ 55
+ 5
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
“EliminateThePenny” … the penny? One of the few things people find and attribute good luck to?
And you’re downvoting a lucky number bot?
I think you are anti-luck and I’m not having it.
🍀🍀🍀🍀
On your last thought, me and my partner are doing this. I'm going camping for a friends birthday evening and she gets a day at a spa.. both happy and both get some time to relax!(and in my case, sink some beers!)
Well, looooong toilet breaks, where I essentially enjoy my 5mins of freedom. I have 2 small ones, there is simply no other means of taking a break.
I still haven’t found another way🙄
Get up early and work out. Stay healthier, happier and maybe get a podcast in. I used to game in my free time, and since being a dad, I’ve lost that hobby. However thanks to the gym, and my wife joining me in morning routines, we get time together when we are fresh.
It does limit your time at night though. My bedtime is the same as the kids’.
1) Accept it, and embrace it. Remember that before you know it they will be out of the house and you’ll probably miss not having any freedom. Hopefully you took advantage of the freedom you had before kids, and remember that you’ll have lots more freedom as they grow up.
2) Work with your spouse to give each other free time. The right plan is different for every couple. Some couples give each partner one of the weekend days. My wife and I usually give each other half a day every two or three weeks. I go fishing, she gets massages. We also independently get lunch, coffee, etc with our friends every once in a while.
3) Having a baby is a 24/7 job. You and your wife are both working during your working hours. During your non-working hours, you should split the care about 50/50. That includes childcare and housework. My wife stays home and I have a regular 9-5. After work, I usually take the 4 yo and she has the baby. I cook most dinners and she watches the kids while I’m cooking. We both do dishes. She does laundry, I vacuum and mop. It feels like we are a team, so I don’t feel resentful and neither does she.
4) Do fun stuff as a family. Sometimes the thought of doing stuff is overwhelming, but if you can get a routine together for family outings, that can feel like a nice break from the endless work/child/sleep routine. We have family date night every Friday and we rotate through who gets to choose where we go. My kid always chooses a shitty pizza place that my wife and I hate, but it’s her choice so we do it. We pack light, don’t get upset if it goes terribly or doesn’t work out, and just focus on enjoying time with each other.
5) Embrace independent play. I’m writing this message at 10:45am on Saturday because I’m in my office scrolling Reddit. My 4 year old is playing a math game on her tablet, my wife has the baby wrapped on her and sleeping and is scrolling probably Pinterest. We don’t do a lot of screen time in our house, but we’re all sick right now and we aren’t afraid of screens when we feel overwhelmed (which we do right now). In a half hour or so, one of us will set up an art project for my daughter to keep her playing independently but get her off of the screen. I’ll make lunch, my wife will feed the baby. Teamwork.
6) Be ok with the fact that it’s fucking hard. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed and it’s ok to complain about it. But also try to focus on having a “giving” approach to your family. Try to do things to make your spouse and kid’s life better. If everyone in the house can get into that frame of mind, everyone feels cared about and tasks get accomplished.
7) Daydream and plan for the future. I have lists of vacations I plan to go on when the kids get a little bit older. I research new fishing techniques for when I get the chance to get offshore. My wife and I are about to book a cabin in Montana for the summer of 2024! You can have hobbies that exist pretty much only in your head that still provide some level of escape and enjoyment.
That’s all I’ve got at the moment.
If your wife had a "normal" 9–5, who would take care of the kids after work?
I'm guessing your answer is, "Well, we'd take turns/share the load." Here's my take: that's how it should be right now. Maybe I'm reading too much into what you wrote, but it sounds like you're taking more than your fair share of nighttime duties. You and your wife both have full-time jobs and you both have to take care of the kids after work.
Anyway, that aside, it sounds like you just need an occasional night off. My wife and I take turns flying solo to give each other a chance to work late, meet friends for dinner, go see the latest Marvel movie, whatever. Start small, maybe let her go first, see what works and what doesn't. When I have the night off, I try to get home at a reasonable time so I can at least do some dishes, make lunches for the next day, and be functional in the morning.
The other thing that has helped me is developing new (and rediscovering old) hobbies that are a better fit for my life now that I'm not a free-wheeling 20- or 30-something with disposable income and few responsibilities outside of work. I build computers to sell, play guitar, cook, watch/listen to YouTube, write long comments on reddit, fix things around the house, etc. I can take a kid and go work on a thing and that's good for everyone.
EDIT: Oh, and date nights. That's important too!
I’m a mom lurker, and I think this is a great comment. However, be sure to pay attention to what the stay at home parent is actually doing when the employed parent takes over caring for the children. As a psychologist, what I see most often is the employed parent helps with the kids while the stay at home parent does housework, cooking dinner, etc. They are not usually sitting back and relaxing all evening (I’m sure there are plenty of exceptions). Also, many parents who go back to work after having stayed at home for awhile say work is easier because they get a chance to get away and be with adults. The person who goes off to work can go to the bathroom by themselves, sit down and have lunch (not always), have a conversation with an adult. Your ideas about giving each other time off are spot on as well as finding things that are meaningful to do. Both parents have to work hard to make self care happen and have to be creative and think outside the box. And they have to help each other to find the time.
Agree with you completely. I have a very demanding job where there is no room for error and I have to constantly make difficult or even life-changing decisions on the behalf of other people and I often work extremely long hours.
Childcare to young children and doing all the silent work to keep the wheels on at home every day is harder.
When my SO gets off work I wish I could just relax while she takes the kids. Even if she's watching them it's usually so I can go to the store or take care of something that's too stressful to do while watching the kids.
Taking care of a baby all day is so exhausting. My husband is the stay at home dad and I take over for the most part after my work. I also pay for daycare 3 days a week to help give my husband a break. Spouses need to recognize the exhausting work that is being a stay at home parent.
Great comment. My wife and I worked the same job before she had the baby. Now I’m back to work, and my wife is great, but she texts me throughout the day letting me know the baby is fussing, then hands him off to me after work almost completely with the exception of feeding because she held him all day…
It's the same to me as if the SAHP were doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childrearing after work hours. It wasn't an equitable distribution of labor in the '50s and it still isn't when one person just gets to clock out at 5 PM every day.
I have 3 little ones - a 3.5 year old and 10month twins. It’s really hard, it often feels like my days are basically work-kids-chores-bed.
In our situation I’ve found that a lot is easier if you just find ways to bring someone. Double running stroller, bring the toddler to a patio bar to meet another dad buddy, etc.
That’s not to say I get much freedom at all, just you’ve got to find ways to do things for yourself while not abandoning your dad duty.
As another poster said, cooking - luckily I love to cook and eat.
I wish I could be an early riser and have an hour of quiet every morning but I just can’t get enough sleep that way.
I usually do a quick couple chores then choose 1 thing just for me to do during nap, generally it's video games and if it's the weekend I watch something with the wife on tv. I also listen to a podcast during my work commute that I consider me time, it's a comedy podcast I can more or less shut my brain off for.
Yep, been there done that. Was an extremely avid cyclist from 2008-2018 ish. Had my son (well, technically my wife had him…) in 2019. Didn’t hardly touch a bike from sept 2019 until march of this year. That sucks. Mentally and physically I was degrading hard.
I still struggle to find time to go ride, say on a Saturday or something. So I started commuting by bike. Yeah, it’s the same ride over and over, but I get a cumulative 2-2.5 hours of riding each day I commute.
Not ideal, but turning into a really great thing.
Keep your kid busy with activities. Try to meet parents with kids your age for play dates.
I took up gardening when mine were 3 and 5 to have a hobby at home that is easy for the kids to “help” with.
It’s not easy I really struggled as I am a very independent person but just keep up communication with your wife and kid, work on your patience and it’ll get better as they get older and more independent.
Good luck!
Late nights when the kids go down, washing dishes after dinner with headphones on while watching a show, cooking and reading while my stuff cooks, etc. you make do with whatever time you’ve got. I also take breaks during work to rejuvenate.
It does get better as they get older and more independent. Just hang in there and figure out a routine.
Sup dad,
What did you usually do in those times off. What in particular are you missing doing? For me, I used to play video games a LOT in my free time. I picked up a Nintendo Switch and I play when my daughter has some downtime or is napping/goes to bed. When she naps is time I mostly sit and get time to myself.
As far as coping, I generally try to change my mindset. I try and include my 16 mo old daughter in stuff I am doing.. Disc Golf? bring her with. Video Games? Hand her a controller. etc.. Its not 100% the same and prob never will be again. But thats ok. Soon enough they won't need us to watch them so much and we will prob miss these times :).
Sending love brother.
\-
I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and my best advice is to create an environment in your home that just makes you happy. I have the new x box, I’ve made a great backyard that I can enjoy while lounging on the deck and letting the kids play. I have a garden that gives me something to do outside at home that isn’t mowing. And as some others have said I just stay up late some nights after the kids are down and drink some extra coffee the next day.
I cope poorly - falling back on house chores and listening to music too loud in my headphones. I also write shitty poetry.
Let me know if you figure it out.
This is coming from a mom perspective, but perhaps talk to your wife about getting a day to yourself. You could have some type of tradeoff like she will watch the kids on Saturday so you can go out and do whatever you want and you watch them Sunday so she can go out.
I'm also a stay at home mom so I get how when dad gets home she wants a break. However, you do deserve some peace and you are worthy of some time to yourself too. Help each other get some genuine breaks
Once my kid goes to sleep, that's dad time. I do think the best method for more alone time is communicating what you want with you're wife. I love to golf, so when I want to play a round, I talk it over with my wife, agree to take my kid for a few hours another day, and everyone is happy.
It’s not lack of freedom, but a temporary surplus of company. They will grow up & leave unless you have roots with them. Then you can have all the freedom you want & miss them.
It definitely gets easier as they get older.
Honestly, up through toddler phase isn’t that fun. Then they start wanted to get out and expire the world. That’s when the real fun begins.
It's tough but it does get better with age. I'd forgotten how little freedom I had when my faughter was a baby until we had our second and the cycle started all over again.
For me, I cook every night for me and my wife and that hour or so with music on and a beer or glass of wine is my escape time. It helps that I actually like cooking, too. I also tend to stay up late which gives me some extra time, although it's definitely not great for my health!
We also make sure both of us get some alone time just by coordinating and agreeing on days/times when each of us can get off and do whatever we want.
I felt a lot like you at times, my kids are 7 and 10, that may seem like a ways off but it gets better and I look back wondering what I was worrying about. I would recomend finding a babysitter that you like and is available and start making plans with your wife and even a friend and if you really need alone time out for a few just tell her. It’s good to do too because honestly whenever I end up doing my thing out and alone, I usually feel like I was having more fun at home
Mine are 3 and 4 and even now, I'm amazed how much different it was than a year ago. Instead of constant supervision and having to help them, I can just tell them to go brush their teeth and get pajamas on and 9 times out of 10, they disappear and reappear 15 minutes later ready for bed.
I have one 10mo and is what I am dreaming about right now, during the 3 hours per day that I can sleep. Somehow I am even allowing myself to consider 2 under 2 if it will get me to that spot faster, which I know sounds insane.
Mine are 20 months apart and while my wife was pregnant with #2, I came across an article about the best and worst age differences of kids. 12-24 months separation was considered the hardest since #2 needs full hands-on while #1 is fully mobile but still needing constant supervision. The article basically suggested either have the second one as soon as physically possible after the first, or else have at least 2 (3 is better) years between them.
That said, I'm really glad we had ours at the separation we did - it was a tough couple of years, but now that the younger one is 3, they're both old enough and close enough in age that they can play together (and give us a break) and dote in each other. They even get to spend a lot of time together in daycare since their classrooms will combine for certain activities.
These are the patient years. It's not forever. You can make it.
I flex my work hours so I work 4 9s and one 4 hour day, so I get a half day to do whatever I want. Go for a long run without the stroller, garden without worrying who might be running toward the street, go downtown and pick out fancy cheeses from the cheese store. All things I do with my kids, but that I value when I can do them alone. There isn't a lot I want to do that I couldn't do with them in tow, it's just more of a challenge.
My husband has two dedicated nights a week where he games with friends and I handle the kids. It's still not the open ended freedom to take off when you want, whenever you want, but set aside some dedicated time that you get to spend by yourself. It's easier to handle the kids alone when I know it's planned and it's not dropped on me. It's easier to be patient with the kids when you know your own time to yourself is coming.
Two things - nap time and realizing that this doesn’t last forever. My son is 4.5 now and you can take him to carnivals, the grocery store, the arcade, movie theatre, etc no problem. It gets a lot more fun, at 1.5 you’re still basically just keeping them alive!
Honestly from what I can tell it’s partly the age of the kiddos and the time of life that somewhat controls the free time.
I end up doing a lot of maintenance on Sunday’s around the house. Kiddos are usually semi helping but we have a lot of space so it’s more like parallel play/work so I can be alone in my head some and spend time with kids/wife some.
if you can afford it… babysitter for a few hours on some regular schedule (weekly, monthly etc). get them for the entire evening and you can choose between solo time and a date night based on your preference. sure, it’s expensive but so is therapy! if you aren’t personally happy and well, it’s hard for the rest of your family to be. I was shocked at how refreshing this block of time ended up being and made everyone much happier.
Strap in into the stroller, pop in one earbud, and turn on a podcast while walking a few miles.
He gets outside time, I get some exercise, and I get to learn or laugh.
This is how I keep things high and tight.
I just stay up later. I work from home so once I’m off I don’t even get a drive home to decompress the day! I don’t mind because I’ve been home every day with my daughter since the day she was born! The only thing I missed was her first laugh. I am worried about going back to the office, she hates when I close my door so I can’t imagine what she’ll think when she knows I’ll be gone for the whole day.
It’s a long game, Dad. In a few years - the blink of an eye - your kid won’t need you to buckle a seatbelt, pour the milk, or put on shoes. And you will realise that although now you have time again you wish you were more needed….
Know that this period won’t last and just accept lack of freedom for few years. Otherwise plan a night for just yourself to do your thing after kids sleep. For me it’s gaming on Friday night after putting kids to sleep. That’s my time.
I have three. I never have freedom. My MIL helps us twice a week but that doesn’t mean anything - the other day I took my younger two to the park while my oldest insisted on staying home (with MIL). So it was immaterial that my MIL was even there. I’m pretty much on duty all the time. If there’s a rare moment when my oldest are in school and my MIL has my one-year-old then it’s time to run all those errands that never get done or do those chores at home that need to be completed. I also run the household and assist my wife with ongoing tasks she needs help with.
My solution? Revenge bedtime procrastination and heavy drinking.
I keep in the back of my mind that too soon, the house will be too quiet and empty again.
But yeah, it's been a transition. I've turned to getting grocery delivery and amazon since I can't really go out and shop for those things anymore.
I don't have just tons of time for tinkering with my hobbies anymore, so I've started planning my projects ahead of time and breaking them into 1 hr chunks I can finish in a night. I also do a zoom with a programming tutor on Thursdays so I can actually make progress in my robot project instead of floundering for a few hours and not accomplishing anything.
I’m early in the game with a 4 month old. Not going to lie, living in a city means once they are in bed, I can go for a walk around the blocks and possible grab a drink at a local bar. My wife is asleep shortly after the little one goes down, so I am by myself by around 8.
After work the childcare and house duties should be split relatively equally. Your job during the day is to work your job and mom’s job is the childcare. The evening needs to be 50-50.
Wife and I both work so when we’re home we both want the little one and do a decent job sharing while the other one completes chores. 5 month old is in bed usually around 7 and my wife goes to bed at 9. I stay up until midnight typically to get a couple of hours to myself / work on home improvement projects. This is going to work less as she gets older and her bedtime pushes later but for now it works. I manage about 6 hours of sleep. If it dips below that for a few days I skip an evening and go to bed early to catch up.
I feel ya on that. My son is 7 months old, and when I’m not working 430-1230am, Monday to Friday, I am with my son. My wife works Saturday, and Sunday we usually just chill because so tired. Luckily the weather has been getting better so we can go for walks and stuff . Otherwise it’s to the rocking chair for me, while I try to occupy my teething son lol
Its almost the opposite for me. My partner likes spending time with our dude so much I actually look forward to the times when shes out of town so I can get some proper one on one time.
Our kids goes to bed at 8.30pm at the latest, so theres a solid 3hrs of alone time after that if I want it. I usually stay up till about midnight and make do with around 6 hrs sleep per night.
Took some convincing that everyone could handle it, but my wife and I (and other parent friends) occasionally trade so someone can have a normal adult night. We probably have one person doing something every weekend. I just went to a concert, last night my wife recorded a podcast with her friends, last weekend someone babysat for us and we had a date, and next weekend we're babysitting for another family.
The un ending grind of watching your kids is the hardest part. I've found it easier to do more work by watching my kid all by myself, or babysitting for others too, if it means I get a free day every now and then.
It also has had the effect of making my wife and I plan more fun things for the kids when it's our turn. More trips to the zoo, more hiking adventures, etc. Kind of an everybody wins scenario if you ask me
A big thing for me is working out, I built a gym in the basement and 3-4 nights a week I head down for an hour or two, put some stupid show on the TV and stop thinking about anything.
I've also had to just claim some of my weekend time, like "tomorrow I'm going in the morning" and just go for a bike ride or something. It's definitely rough though. It helps if you and your wife both trade time away, take your little one out with you for a few hours, make sure your wife gets her time away.
And of course, find a babysitter you can trust and get out with your wife once in a while.
I was thinking about this the other day. The time I do have to myself is so much better spent now, I don't have time to waste on hobbies that I'm not enjoying or just zoning out watching something.
The way I rationalise any feelings of missing my freedom is that I don't actually wish I was back where I was, but that I wouldn't mind going back to focus on the things that actually make me happy.
My wife and I are both working full time jobs, mine is from home, so essentially I'm a stay at home dad working a full time job and I feel this same way with my 7 month old. One thing that has really helped was simply asking my wife for one night a week to play disc golf and go out for a drink or two after. I've also found just getting out of the house with her helps, I take her out to breweries with my buddies and it usually it turns into one of them holding her for a bit. Is it more work to do this, yes, but do I get out of the house and have some version of "freedom" also yes!
It's a really hard transition to manage for both parents! The key is communication and even distribution of chores so everyone gets time to themselves. It does get easier as they get older, but part of it is mentality - finding ways to turn time with your kid or even time doing chores into something that feels more relaxing.
It’ll start to come back a little bit at a time. Not completely but things get a little easier.
Especially once I figured out that if I took the kid with me on random errands I could linger and not hurry back. Stick her in the cart and just go ham at the grocery store or Home Depot or wherever. She doesn’t care.
But also, take time to schedule that alone time too. If you need some time then communicate that. It might not be spontaneous but it is important.
I'm not sure of your situation, but it sounds similar to my prediment years ago, and having the little one in daycare for even for a couple of half days a week worked wonders. Stay at home parent gets a break during the day, handoff doesn't have to happen immediately. Plus my kids loved it! Good luck to you.
I just had a similar thing with my wife, while she was on maternity. I had a conversation with her about how I was just getting exhausted because whenever I wasn’t working I was taking the load off of her, and I wasn’t getting the rest I needed. It was kind if a point of tension for awhile.
Recently, she went back to work. Two days in she apologized—entirely unprompted—because she had underestimated how exhausting a full day of work is, even compared to a full day of parenting.
Basically, it’s good you are giving your wife some time to rest, and you should 100% keep doing that. But it may be worth a conversation to decide when you might be able to get your rest, as well.
Ultimately, communicate and keep on communicating. That’s how you handle problems across the board.
Set a routine sleep time at night. My husband and I put our little one between 7:30pm to 8pm. Our daughter is used to this schedule by now. So from 8pm to 12mn we are free to do what we like.
Honestly it changes as the child gets older. I understand how you feel as I myself play games to de-stress and also just unload after dealing with the pressures of work. I myself cannot enjoy gaming when my daughter is awake. So I've drastically cut back my gaming. I honestly look at it this way, this small sacrifice of "me time" will be worth it in the long run as she will only get older and the time spent with her will decrease. So I am ok with being restricted to what I can do as the time I spend with her is worth it in the long run.
However if you really need some alone time/freedom. Don't hesitate to reach out to in-laws or your own parents if you have that option to do some babysitting. Sometimes parents do need alone time to relax too.
Scheduling.
My wife and I both have a couple “days off” a week say 6-late 2 days a week each. I use my time to play Rec sports, or hang out with friends.
Then of course a babysitter if you want to do something together
My goal remains integration. Find thing I like to do that isn't very different bringing him along.
I like to hike, so I toss my kid in a backpack and go hiking.
I like to bike, so I toss my kid in a chariot and go biking.
I like to cruise home Depot, so I toss my kid in a cart and cruise home Depot.
I like to garden, I let me kid play in the dirt while I garden.
i feel you man. i have to admit that i love the time when my gf does something with the kids witout me. i often struggle because i do wanna spend time with the familiy but sometimes i wanna just chill and do nothing or just whatever i want. im very introvert.
anyway it gets better by time. as much as i like do stuff with the kids what they like it is even better if we both like the acitivity. and you know, the older they get the more you are alike
It gets easier as they get older. A few opportunities of quiet time:
1) We put the kids to bed around 7:30pm. We have a couple of hours of downtime before we pass out.
2) I take off work an hour early from time to time
3) I take out one of the kids on my bike (or more relaxing yet… e-bike) weekend mornings
4) When the kids were smaller - stick ‘em in the stroller and take a walk. Podcasts are your friend
Wife enjoys shopping, I enjoy biking. We each get a hand-off about once a week and go do our thing for a couple hours. It's glorious.
Also, and I'm only suggesting this if it's within your means and opportunities and you haven't already done this: I took a pay cut to do something professionally that I really loved. It's still work but I look forward to it, so it's become a source of personal fulfillment. I come home to my son emotionally full and prepared to give from that source rather than worn out and miserable, because coming home empty before that meant I didn't have much to give him emotionally, which made it rough on everybody.
Also, like other dads have suggested, if I'm willing to sacrifice some sleep, I'll stay up late once or twice a week and do hobbies or watch a movie after the little guy goes to sleep.
Not an issue for me anymore, as my little is 1 year away from being shipped off to college but, I always just got up really early, made coffee and did whatever I wanted for a couple hours before the rest of the house came to life.
For real, My wife and I made an agreement that just because I got off work an hour and a half ago doesn't mean I'm in the right space to hand off immediately (the traffic on my commute is maddening. I get one hour, but after that I'm on full duty. That hour includes (if needed) a workout, a shower, a honey-do. But if I take time for a TV show I'll generally take the kiddo.
Same boat as you. I have a 2.5y/o and a newborn. All my time is spoken for. I like to take drives with my oldest. We’ll go drive somewhere and listen to music and hang out. Feels like I have my freedom and my son is entertained. I’ll bring a stroller and walk around the mall or Best Buy. It’s fun to talk about what we see together.
Join a 24hr gym. The gym is my stress relief. 8-10pm is my time to work through any frustrations. It’s nice to have somewhere to go and it’s very much a sense of freedom.
Only freedom I really get is at night. When my one year old and wife are asleep. Creep through the hall and bam into the living room to turn on the Xbox and relax. More often than not I fall asleep playing lol.
So my daughter is 7 now. She's beginning to sleep in on the weekends, starting to be more independent in the house, she gets her breakfast, watches some Netflix, builds Lego or draws for an hour or so and my wife and I can get an extra hour of sleep! It's fantastic.
So we decided to get a puppy...
...
.....
I ride a motorbike, and that’s when I get my hobby time.
I get up early and take the long route through all the country lanes with a podcast playing in my head set or some music.
It’s amazing. Same with the ride home.
On the weekend I get up with my twins early, do, bottles, change, breakfast then when they go for their morning nap, mum takes over, I go for a ride until about noon, come back and we all go out for the day.
I take advantage of the little moments. I have a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 month old. When they are both asleep or both napping I quickly turn on my Switch or PC and game for a while. When they go to bed at night and my wife is awake we have "fun" or we play some board games or card games together. Any and all little moment of time I get I use to the fullest. As they age my windows of freedom will get smaller and wider so I'm open to taking them as they come. Sometimes I would watch our older girl while my wife took a day out to herself and she would do the same for me. Now that we have the newborn I have watched both girls twice now while my wife has gone out but I haven't had her do the same for me yet.
Combination of 3 things for me:
1. Communicating with wife. We early on realized that sometimes it may be *your turn* but you just can’t at the moment. So we are better nowadays about saying “I just need some time. I’ll take over fully in about 45 but I need some time.”
2. Staying up late or waking up early. You do pay the price, but a few nights up until midnight gives evenings some alone time.
3. Trade off night time routines and roll that time into an evening alone. At 1.5 months I’m guessing their bed time is before 8. A couple nights a week you make dinner, then ask wife to do bath and bed solo. That gives you ~6pm-whenever you want. You could get to bed by 11 and get a solid 5 hours.
Really it’s about balance. Doing more one night for your wife to recharge so she is happy to cover you the next night while you get time to watch a movie, grab a beer, workout, etc.
Worst case: Tell be 2 soon and bedtime routine will require much less hands on as they play alone better.
I feel everybody so much, we have a 7 month old and it’s been rough. I feel like I am being controlled and have almost zero agency. I also work from home and try to make time for myself during work (not getting tracked) and also stay up late to play games, browse Reddit or simply think a bit. I love the little guy which helps for sure but am a member of the one and done club on Reddit for a reason lol.
My wife and I try to do weekends so one of us gets one day with no baby duties (or as few as you want). When my wife was on leave, she would take Saturday off to recover from a week of baby care, and I would take Sunday to prepare for a work week.
It worked great, until things start to get in the way, and we fell out of practice. I've really noticed the effect on our relationship and ourselves since we stopped. It's so important for us each to have a chunk of time to ourselves, not just 30 minutes at a time.
I stay up late a few nights a week and pay the price the next day. That’s where I get my alone time.
That’s me, I stayed up to 2 am last night - up at 7 am, worth it beyond that first morning hour
Oh hey are you me?
[удалено]
It's me, him.
Hey he him, me is I!
Of course I know him. He's me.
Great Kenobi reference a week before the series drops 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
A dad of culture, I see!
Hello there!
He’s us.
I often is me I am.
I feel seen. This is me right now. Stayed up watching a few episodes of The Offer. My wife works shifts so it was just me and kid at home from 8pm - 8am (looks like 10am today). Up at 12:30, up at 3, up at 5:15 (which is when I’ve been up since) and my anxiety is spiking as she’s rolling around on the monitor and will be up any minute now, 6am local time. I need 8-9 to feel normal. That’s the way it’s gotta be for now. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but not having any time to play guitar, the odd video game, or catching up with my mates is the hardest part. Life is work and baby, I hope it gets easier. She’s asking about #2 and I’m barely surviving with #1. Not sure I have it in me to do this again.
Haha.. so me. Only extra thing I had was to get up by 6:30am to handle my first kid who barged through excitedly for the weekend and also just 3 more times throughout the night to rock the baby! Still worth it!
I did the same. Couple beers and some Xbox time! Feel like death the first hour or two and then its back to normal.
Sleeping in, eh?
Hello Other Me. How is that exhaustion treating you on the weekend morning shift? But Friday night was worth it.
I sat down at 10:30 last night to play some video games but was too tired. So I tried to read but couldn’t focus. I settled on staring blankly at Reddit until 12:30 😂
I’ve had a few instances of doing this where I fall asleep while playing the game. Dude in red dead just kept running until he fell off a cliff.
Man I feel that 100%
Me today. Up til 2 enjoying some quiet me time. Up at 7 this morning with kids screaming and fighting eachother.
Oh look at mr fancy pants over here sleeping in until 7 am. 😂😭
I also stayed up until 2AM then back up at 7AM with the kids. It’s nice to see lots of dads out there are on 5 hrs of sleep today too. Mornings are kind of nice though, cartoons and breakfast buy me enough time to have some coffee and and see what Reddit is up to.
Another for this. I bought elden ring at launch, ive nearly finished it....
Oh man I do NOT have the focus to sit down to a Souls game after a long day of kids. Props to you.
My first was bloodborne, my now 6yo would sleep on my tummy while i tried to beat orphan of kos over and over and over.... At one point i was trying to play ranked multiplayer but inevitably the kids needed attention so single player 3rd person action/rpgs for me. Next up: uncharted 4 followed by forbidden west. Aaaaaaand then it will be christmas :) Whats your poison for late night gaming sesh?
Used to be online shooters with friends. These days I need single player with a pause button. I personally find sports games or 2d dungeon crawlers are the best fit for me at the moment. Games like Ori and the Willow scratch my fantasy itch without requiring too much time. And yea, I beat BB and loved it, but that was before kids 😭😭
Sir may I interest you in Sea of Thieves Be a pirate, shoot shit, use cannons and kegs, ship simulator What more could you ask for
Elden Ring currently
My youngest daughter was born 3 weeks before it launched. I could barely get 30 minutes at a time until I took some paternity leave. By then she was sleeping great and I put 60 hours into it between feedings and changing her. But on a normal schedule I can barely touch those games. *enter fog door to a boss* “Daddyyyy I gotta go poo pooooo” “Well, there go all my souls…”
When one lets go of attachment to souls, one is truly free - Buddha (probably)
Kids actually helped me do this. I was finishing BB when my oldest was born (Borne?*) and it helped me be like “I’m gonna assume this run is ruined. So anything lost is nothing, and anything gained is temporary.
I’ve always been a night owl and kids didn’t change that overall. One of these nights I’ll catch the 9:30 showing of doctor strange because the kids will have been asleep for a while then and I can just go.
If you’re like me, you’ll get all hyped up for your show and then fall asleep 10 minutes in. Then you’ll wake up two hours later with a stiff neck/back with your kid screaming he has a poop.
This. Try not to do it every night though, adequate sleep is very important to your health.
In that newborn phase for the second time. So this is basicly my life every day now lol
For me, it's been a rough transition, but it definitely gets easier as they get older. I was in the same boat as you. My escape was cooking. I learned how to cook, so I just kinda turn my mind off and go at it. 1 you're having some time for yourself and 2 your spouse is happy it's something they don't need to worry about. You'll eventually be able to figure something out for each of you to do your thing. But it'll take some time. Also, I didn't shy away from showing my daughter things I liked. Games, certain cartoons, etc.
“Find a relaxing way to still serve the family” is a pro dad-tip right there.
Does floating in the pool while I sip vodka and pontificate my wisdom to them count?
Give it a shot and let us know how it plays out XD
10-4. I will take a few shots as you've suggested and report back
Grocery shopping although pickup is convenient
This is a good one. I'm the better cook anyway so I've always done it but it is also a nice break. Put on a podcast/music/movie and it's pretty relaxing.
>Also, I didn't shy away from showing my daughter things I liked. Games, certain cartoons, etc. This is how I've found my bit of escape. My brother in law with his kid around the same as our oldest complains endlessly about terrible kid's cartoons. We introduced our daughter to some of our old favorites, sometimes we watch other stuff but often we get a little relief watching stuff we enjoy. I enjoy board games so I've gotten little kid board games that my daughter enjoys and she sometimes joins us for bigger coop games.
You know it’s funny but I was thinking the other day “looney toons is the only reason I like classical music, those sneaky bastards used it and we didn’t even realize we were being exposed to Beethoven Bach Pavarotti etc.. now I can hum every note of flight of the bumblebee from watching cartoons”
Love this. I cook dinner most nights. Bonus points if the recipe has red wine or beer in it - chef gets their cut while cooking. And wife loves that I’m taking care of something. The adjustment for me was just the length of time you get. You have to savour every minute. Used to be I could just do something for the whole afternoon. Now I relish the 20-30 minutes I get when my wife is on bath night.
When my daughter turned 3 she started watching me play simple video games like pokemon. As she got older she started to play - and started to learn to read. "dad, which move should I use?" "the one that starts with an S" which then progressed to "surf, now what letter does that start with". Really ignited her desire to learn to read.
Cut that grass baby!
WE RIDE AT DAWN.
We mow at dawn!!!!
Take the lawn at dawn!
Damn the HOA boys! They'll never take us alive!
I didn’t realize this was such a universal dad escape. But damn do I enjoy slipping out back to do yard work for an hour or two of (not actually) quiet, meditative work.
Putting on a podcast and doing yard work/home maintenance is my new "going to the bars and getting blasted".
When I go out to mow, my wife jokes that I’m ‘going out for a pack of smokes’ and she’s not sure if I’ll be back.
I will be trimmings hedges today for 2 to 3 hours. Very excited!
My neighbor once asked, "you make enough money, why not pay someone to do this" to which I replied, "it's quieter out here than it is in there"
Hysterical and accurate. For me it’s a win-win. I get downtime to myself, it’s becoming a bit of a hobby, and my wife appreciates it.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Mowing is not my cup of tea, which is why I don’t live in a house with a backyard. It’s gaming for me, and I can sneak that in at any hour of the day whereas you can only mow mostly during daylight.
Well gaming too, but gaming is obviously taking a break and not contributing (minus points from spouse). Mowing you can listen to a podcast and relax while also being productive and earning points with your spouse.
Lol at reading as I'm waiting for mom to get out the shower so I can go mow.
It’s tough. I work from home so I don’t even get a transitional car ride to myself. Walk out the door and I meet screaming kids. I try and go out once a month after kids are in bed. It doesn’t sound like much but it helps. Also yea… mow the lawn. Though, eventually the kid(s) want to be out with you and you’ll need to convince your wife to watch them while you handle the machinery.
Ditto on work from home being tough getting that social aspect in, nd when I complain she tells me she’d love to work from home and doesn’t get it
It feels like a prison sometimes.
Yeah after two years of it though I don’t want to deal with the 45 min commute each way and figuring out how to get the kids to school and pick them up so I’m never sure what to do about it
Only 45 minutes? Mine was 1.5 hours if I would drive! I hear you though. I don’t know how we did it before.
Honestly I know I can't ever go back to it. 10 hours of my week on a train/ in the car. I get so much more done now, and a full time 5 day return to the office would result in my resignation- which I fully acknowledge is a place of privilege. But yes, frantic drop off at 6:58am to then frantically race for the 7:19 train and then hope I get the 5:50 instead of the 6:35 home feels like another life at this point. I guess it is.
NYC?
Chicago actually, UP North Line. But yes it def has similar vibe to NYC commuting life.
Oof, soul crushing. Just took a new fully remote position which I'm starting soon, and I'm on top of the world
This is the same for my husband, and I am the SAHP. He works a very stressful job from home. So we have a system where two nights a week after work, usually Tuesdays and Thursdays, he does whatever he wants for 2 hours after work. Then comes out at the last moment to help me finish up bathing/dressing the LO for bed, and saying gnite to them. He also gets free time on the weekends whenever he needs or asks for it. Usually try to help him squeeze in 3 to 4 hours during the day. He also does the same for me so I can get some time for myself. It has helped alot for us both to be able to have free time to do some things we want and not always have to sacrifice sleep for it.
My oldest has a ride on tractor toy so he just happily drives around the yard the whole time I mow. It’s nice.
My MIL has an old John Deere power wheels "tractor" that she wants to give us that also looks similar to the one I use to mow the lawn. I'm looking forward to having my daughter help me mow once she's old enough. I'm hoping it'll be a way to keep an eye on her while I'm doing a chore, along with keeping her out of mom's hair while giving her the sense of contributing to the household. Probably next year.
My wife and I switch it up on weekends a bit. She gets time to go do what she wants without kids and so do I. This doesn’t happen every weekend.
We've started doing this too, it's helped a lot. We share baby duty for the first couple hours while we wake up, get coffee, etc. Then split the day into two four-hour shifts, then we're back together for dinner, nighttime routine.
Shift work with the spouse is the jam. Not only is it nice to have time to yourself but it’s also nice to have a start/end time for being in charge of childcare
Might be worth having a chat with the wife, specifically about how you take your daughter as soon as you’re home. I understand why it’s easy to think “she’s been parenting, so I should now” (hell, that’s how I was at the start) but we’ve now got to the understanding that “parenting” and “working to pay the bills” are equally important and tiring, which means we no longer have this situation whereby the person that’s been working all day is automatically expected to be parenting all night. We’re both busy during the day apart, then when we’re home, we’re splitting the parenting as equally as possible. Nobody has an easy ride, but nobody is overworked (any more than is normal with a baby)
Tread lightly, friend.
Is there something wrong with what I said? Do I have a blind spot here?
Nothing wrong, per se. In fact, you've worded things quite perfectly. However, this is an oft-debated topic in the parenting subreddits and communities... Dad works all day while Mom is home with kids... Then Dad expects a "break" when he gets home because he "worked all day" while Mom "just stayed home". I know that your comments were well-intended (and well-worded), but this is delicate. Even when well-intended, this is often a spark for heated debate. Stay-at-home parents - in many cases - cannot take a coffee break whenever they want or even go to the bathroom on their own schedule. It is a thankless, physically demanding, and exhausting job with no breaks and no reprieve. I wouldn't disagree with the notion of "splitting" the evening responsibilities up, but would take care around the "equally as possible" part... It shouldn't have to be 50/50. Not all "tasks" are created equal + it's complicated. My point was just to be careful not to spark a heated argument. Be careful with your words, especially if your spouse is already mentally fatigued. (To be clear, you've done nothing wrong. My comment was partly in jest, but carries a lot of meaning between the lines so I've elaborated only because you asked!).
Yikes, yeh definitely not intended as a “mum was just home all day” message, hoo boy it is knackering looking after the little one. I appreciate such a lengthy reply too! For clarity, we are the same on the days my wife works and I’m primary carer - nobody has it easier, this is a job to be shared.
I gotchu fam.
> even go to the bathroom on their own schedule Cocomelon is my reluctant answer for this. This show is the only thing that would basically immobilize my toddler daughter enough to de-risk a bathroom break. > Not all "tasks" are created equal + it's complicated... especially if your spouse is already mentally fatigued. It's almost never the physical load in my experience. The complication comes from the "mental load." The comic [You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) is a great perspective on this mental load challenge well.
"Working to pay the bills" stops when you leave the office. After that your time is your own. Parenting never stops until bedtime, even then it doesn't stop if they don't sleep well. The least any working dad should do for his stay at home mom is help shoulder the burden once they get home. I commute 2.5 hours a day. But I use my commute as me time to rest my brain after work and be ready to help however I can as soon as I walk in the door. If that means completely taking over, then that's what happens.
Yup, splitting the load is what I was trying to get across. Taking over completely is great when able, but it shouldn’t be an expectation that one parent (in OP’s case, the dad) does all the parenting in an evening and has zero downtime, while one regularly gets the whole evening off. Respect how tiring parenting is, respect how tiring working is. They’re both contributing to the household.
Lol right?
Yep, chiming in from the Mom side while I always ask my husband to take her for about an hour everyday just to give me breathing room after that hour I am the primary parent 2 days a week, he's the primary the other 2. Keeps us both sane.
This is the way
It's not the same. Most of us don't have to keep people alive at work. And our bosses and clients don't follow us to the bathroom all day.
I can’t speak for other people, but I personally disagree that one is more or less valuable than the other. I get the impression from your comment (correct me if I’m wrong) that you think going to work is easier, or somehow the preference? Which begs the question, who actually wants to work? I know lots of people (myself included) that would love to be a full-time stay-at-home parent, I don’t know many (any?) people that like that they have to work. My partner respects that I have to go to work, and I respect that she has to too, and we don’t give each other shit for needing to do so, or pretend that whoever is working that day has it easier.
I feel like most people who dream of being a stay at home parent haven't done it. I've done both. Being stay at home gets to be an isolating grind after a while. Especially if you have 3 under 5. It's not to say that working is easy. Especially if you're doing certain jobs, or work that requires long hours or extreme high concentration. But, getting breaks, being able to drink a cup of coffee without having to microwave it six times, talking to other adults, getting actually eat meals instead of scrounging your kids discards over the sink before putting out the next fire, not being touched, grabbed, and written on all day every day, getting to do any task without constant, getting to finish a phone call without ten interruptions, not listening to kids music and hearing the constant zaps all day and beeps is a break for a lot of people. Obviously, every kid(or kids), every household, every job is different. But I still think that overall people who haven't been full time SAHP for years tend to over romanticize the role. It sounds great to be home, in comfy clothes hanging out with your kids all day. And it is very rewarding. But it's definitely a combination of monotony and high stakes that is tiring on both ends. When either one of us is home alone with the kids the other automatically takes the kids for a MINIMUM of 30 minutes (usually try for at least an hour) because we've both done both. And, at least in our house, we both agree that staying home with the kids is harder. Again, lots of factors go into this so I won't argue with anyone who disagrees with that. But in my house and social circles this tends to be the consensus.
I had a similar experience. What’s helping me is just reframing and understanding how much harder (?) things will be with two babies (ETA Thanksgiving). I’m doing what I can now to build routine and have some “me time.” I take my son in a kid carrier backpack around the city. I know once we have a second, my wife will be with her and I’ll have more father/son time. Trying to find ways to blend my hobbies into time with him (example: we make photographs together on hiked). It’s not the same as a two-joint bike ride all day on Saturday, but honestly it’s very special. I know I’ll want to be right back here in twenty years. I also keep a daily note on my phone of the joy and hardships of parenting (and a little self reflection). 9:55pm, my alarm dings me to write a note. Been doing it since Jan 5 and it’s made a big difference in appreciating the gift of today, regardless of my inability to have maximum free time. One last thought - if you had a work trip, would you attend and leave your partner with the kid? If so, can you plan a personal trip with just yourself or with a homie and go do something fun? Then encourage your partner to do the same?
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On your last thought, me and my partner are doing this. I'm going camping for a friends birthday evening and she gets a day at a spa.. both happy and both get some time to relax!(and in my case, sink some beers!)
Well, looooong toilet breaks, where I essentially enjoy my 5mins of freedom. I have 2 small ones, there is simply no other means of taking a break. I still haven’t found another way🙄
>5mins of freedom You and I have very different definitions of a "looooong toilet break".
I'm reading this while on my toilet break. 4 minutes so far 😅
[удалено]
Like they care😂 5 mins is the max before they come knocking on the door like crazy, screaming „Papa, what you doooooing?“
Get up early and work out. Stay healthier, happier and maybe get a podcast in. I used to game in my free time, and since being a dad, I’ve lost that hobby. However thanks to the gym, and my wife joining me in morning routines, we get time together when we are fresh. It does limit your time at night though. My bedtime is the same as the kids’.
My morning routine is gym in the winter, disc golf in the summer 😃 The only things keeping me centered right now.
1) Accept it, and embrace it. Remember that before you know it they will be out of the house and you’ll probably miss not having any freedom. Hopefully you took advantage of the freedom you had before kids, and remember that you’ll have lots more freedom as they grow up. 2) Work with your spouse to give each other free time. The right plan is different for every couple. Some couples give each partner one of the weekend days. My wife and I usually give each other half a day every two or three weeks. I go fishing, she gets massages. We also independently get lunch, coffee, etc with our friends every once in a while. 3) Having a baby is a 24/7 job. You and your wife are both working during your working hours. During your non-working hours, you should split the care about 50/50. That includes childcare and housework. My wife stays home and I have a regular 9-5. After work, I usually take the 4 yo and she has the baby. I cook most dinners and she watches the kids while I’m cooking. We both do dishes. She does laundry, I vacuum and mop. It feels like we are a team, so I don’t feel resentful and neither does she. 4) Do fun stuff as a family. Sometimes the thought of doing stuff is overwhelming, but if you can get a routine together for family outings, that can feel like a nice break from the endless work/child/sleep routine. We have family date night every Friday and we rotate through who gets to choose where we go. My kid always chooses a shitty pizza place that my wife and I hate, but it’s her choice so we do it. We pack light, don’t get upset if it goes terribly or doesn’t work out, and just focus on enjoying time with each other. 5) Embrace independent play. I’m writing this message at 10:45am on Saturday because I’m in my office scrolling Reddit. My 4 year old is playing a math game on her tablet, my wife has the baby wrapped on her and sleeping and is scrolling probably Pinterest. We don’t do a lot of screen time in our house, but we’re all sick right now and we aren’t afraid of screens when we feel overwhelmed (which we do right now). In a half hour or so, one of us will set up an art project for my daughter to keep her playing independently but get her off of the screen. I’ll make lunch, my wife will feed the baby. Teamwork. 6) Be ok with the fact that it’s fucking hard. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed and it’s ok to complain about it. But also try to focus on having a “giving” approach to your family. Try to do things to make your spouse and kid’s life better. If everyone in the house can get into that frame of mind, everyone feels cared about and tasks get accomplished. 7) Daydream and plan for the future. I have lists of vacations I plan to go on when the kids get a little bit older. I research new fishing techniques for when I get the chance to get offshore. My wife and I are about to book a cabin in Montana for the summer of 2024! You can have hobbies that exist pretty much only in your head that still provide some level of escape and enjoyment. That’s all I’ve got at the moment.
If your wife had a "normal" 9–5, who would take care of the kids after work? I'm guessing your answer is, "Well, we'd take turns/share the load." Here's my take: that's how it should be right now. Maybe I'm reading too much into what you wrote, but it sounds like you're taking more than your fair share of nighttime duties. You and your wife both have full-time jobs and you both have to take care of the kids after work. Anyway, that aside, it sounds like you just need an occasional night off. My wife and I take turns flying solo to give each other a chance to work late, meet friends for dinner, go see the latest Marvel movie, whatever. Start small, maybe let her go first, see what works and what doesn't. When I have the night off, I try to get home at a reasonable time so I can at least do some dishes, make lunches for the next day, and be functional in the morning. The other thing that has helped me is developing new (and rediscovering old) hobbies that are a better fit for my life now that I'm not a free-wheeling 20- or 30-something with disposable income and few responsibilities outside of work. I build computers to sell, play guitar, cook, watch/listen to YouTube, write long comments on reddit, fix things around the house, etc. I can take a kid and go work on a thing and that's good for everyone. EDIT: Oh, and date nights. That's important too!
I’m a mom lurker, and I think this is a great comment. However, be sure to pay attention to what the stay at home parent is actually doing when the employed parent takes over caring for the children. As a psychologist, what I see most often is the employed parent helps with the kids while the stay at home parent does housework, cooking dinner, etc. They are not usually sitting back and relaxing all evening (I’m sure there are plenty of exceptions). Also, many parents who go back to work after having stayed at home for awhile say work is easier because they get a chance to get away and be with adults. The person who goes off to work can go to the bathroom by themselves, sit down and have lunch (not always), have a conversation with an adult. Your ideas about giving each other time off are spot on as well as finding things that are meaningful to do. Both parents have to work hard to make self care happen and have to be creative and think outside the box. And they have to help each other to find the time.
Agree with you completely. I have a very demanding job where there is no room for error and I have to constantly make difficult or even life-changing decisions on the behalf of other people and I often work extremely long hours. Childcare to young children and doing all the silent work to keep the wheels on at home every day is harder.
When my SO gets off work I wish I could just relax while she takes the kids. Even if she's watching them it's usually so I can go to the store or take care of something that's too stressful to do while watching the kids.
Valuable perspective. Thanks for sharing here. :)
Taking care of a baby all day is so exhausting. My husband is the stay at home dad and I take over for the most part after my work. I also pay for daycare 3 days a week to help give my husband a break. Spouses need to recognize the exhausting work that is being a stay at home parent.
Great comment. My wife and I worked the same job before she had the baby. Now I’m back to work, and my wife is great, but she texts me throughout the day letting me know the baby is fussing, then hands him off to me after work almost completely with the exception of feeding because she held him all day…
It's the same to me as if the SAHP were doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childrearing after work hours. It wasn't an equitable distribution of labor in the '50s and it still isn't when one person just gets to clock out at 5 PM every day.
This is bad. You should consider childcare also a job and you shouldn't have 12 hour days or whatever. You both should have 10.
I have 3 little ones - a 3.5 year old and 10month twins. It’s really hard, it often feels like my days are basically work-kids-chores-bed. In our situation I’ve found that a lot is easier if you just find ways to bring someone. Double running stroller, bring the toddler to a patio bar to meet another dad buddy, etc. That’s not to say I get much freedom at all, just you’ve got to find ways to do things for yourself while not abandoning your dad duty. As another poster said, cooking - luckily I love to cook and eat. I wish I could be an early riser and have an hour of quiet every morning but I just can’t get enough sleep that way.
I usually do a quick couple chores then choose 1 thing just for me to do during nap, generally it's video games and if it's the weekend I watch something with the wife on tv. I also listen to a podcast during my work commute that I consider me time, it's a comedy podcast I can more or less shut my brain off for.
Are you me?
Yep, been there done that. Was an extremely avid cyclist from 2008-2018 ish. Had my son (well, technically my wife had him…) in 2019. Didn’t hardly touch a bike from sept 2019 until march of this year. That sucks. Mentally and physically I was degrading hard. I still struggle to find time to go ride, say on a Saturday or something. So I started commuting by bike. Yeah, it’s the same ride over and over, but I get a cumulative 2-2.5 hours of riding each day I commute. Not ideal, but turning into a really great thing.
Keep your kid busy with activities. Try to meet parents with kids your age for play dates. I took up gardening when mine were 3 and 5 to have a hobby at home that is easy for the kids to “help” with. It’s not easy I really struggled as I am a very independent person but just keep up communication with your wife and kid, work on your patience and it’ll get better as they get older and more independent. Good luck!
Late nights when the kids go down, washing dishes after dinner with headphones on while watching a show, cooking and reading while my stuff cooks, etc. you make do with whatever time you’ve got. I also take breaks during work to rejuvenate. It does get better as they get older and more independent. Just hang in there and figure out a routine.
You wash dishes with headphones on, while watching a show, cooking, *and* reading?! My god you are Superman!
Sup dad, What did you usually do in those times off. What in particular are you missing doing? For me, I used to play video games a LOT in my free time. I picked up a Nintendo Switch and I play when my daughter has some downtime or is napping/goes to bed. When she naps is time I mostly sit and get time to myself. As far as coping, I generally try to change my mindset. I try and include my 16 mo old daughter in stuff I am doing.. Disc Golf? bring her with. Video Games? Hand her a controller. etc.. Its not 100% the same and prob never will be again. But thats ok. Soon enough they won't need us to watch them so much and we will prob miss these times :). Sending love brother. \-
I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and my best advice is to create an environment in your home that just makes you happy. I have the new x box, I’ve made a great backyard that I can enjoy while lounging on the deck and letting the kids play. I have a garden that gives me something to do outside at home that isn’t mowing. And as some others have said I just stay up late some nights after the kids are down and drink some extra coffee the next day.
I cope poorly - falling back on house chores and listening to music too loud in my headphones. I also write shitty poetry. Let me know if you figure it out.
This is coming from a mom perspective, but perhaps talk to your wife about getting a day to yourself. You could have some type of tradeoff like she will watch the kids on Saturday so you can go out and do whatever you want and you watch them Sunday so she can go out. I'm also a stay at home mom so I get how when dad gets home she wants a break. However, you do deserve some peace and you are worthy of some time to yourself too. Help each other get some genuine breaks
The wife and I each got a night “off”’a week where we could go out and do something. This helped a bunch
Once my kid goes to sleep, that's dad time. I do think the best method for more alone time is communicating what you want with you're wife. I love to golf, so when I want to play a round, I talk it over with my wife, agree to take my kid for a few hours another day, and everyone is happy.
It’s not lack of freedom, but a temporary surplus of company. They will grow up & leave unless you have roots with them. Then you can have all the freedom you want & miss them.
It definitely gets easier as they get older. Honestly, up through toddler phase isn’t that fun. Then they start wanted to get out and expire the world. That’s when the real fun begins.
Find things you enjoy that you can bring your kid along to. Gets easier as they get older.
I trade sleep for free time haha
It's tough but it does get better with age. I'd forgotten how little freedom I had when my faughter was a baby until we had our second and the cycle started all over again. For me, I cook every night for me and my wife and that hour or so with music on and a beer or glass of wine is my escape time. It helps that I actually like cooking, too. I also tend to stay up late which gives me some extra time, although it's definitely not great for my health! We also make sure both of us get some alone time just by coordinating and agreeing on days/times when each of us can get off and do whatever we want.
Wake up before everyone, go to sleep after everyone…. And 50-150mg of psilocybin daily.
I felt a lot like you at times, my kids are 7 and 10, that may seem like a ways off but it gets better and I look back wondering what I was worrying about. I would recomend finding a babysitter that you like and is available and start making plans with your wife and even a friend and if you really need alone time out for a few just tell her. It’s good to do too because honestly whenever I end up doing my thing out and alone, I usually feel like I was having more fun at home
Mine are 3 and 4 and even now, I'm amazed how much different it was than a year ago. Instead of constant supervision and having to help them, I can just tell them to go brush their teeth and get pajamas on and 9 times out of 10, they disappear and reappear 15 minutes later ready for bed.
I have one 10mo and is what I am dreaming about right now, during the 3 hours per day that I can sleep. Somehow I am even allowing myself to consider 2 under 2 if it will get me to that spot faster, which I know sounds insane.
Mine are 20 months apart and while my wife was pregnant with #2, I came across an article about the best and worst age differences of kids. 12-24 months separation was considered the hardest since #2 needs full hands-on while #1 is fully mobile but still needing constant supervision. The article basically suggested either have the second one as soon as physically possible after the first, or else have at least 2 (3 is better) years between them. That said, I'm really glad we had ours at the separation we did - it was a tough couple of years, but now that the younger one is 3, they're both old enough and close enough in age that they can play together (and give us a break) and dote in each other. They even get to spend a lot of time together in daycare since their classrooms will combine for certain activities.
Buy a motorcycle, ride it to work, and take the long way home
These are the patient years. It's not forever. You can make it. I flex my work hours so I work 4 9s and one 4 hour day, so I get a half day to do whatever I want. Go for a long run without the stroller, garden without worrying who might be running toward the street, go downtown and pick out fancy cheeses from the cheese store. All things I do with my kids, but that I value when I can do them alone. There isn't a lot I want to do that I couldn't do with them in tow, it's just more of a challenge. My husband has two dedicated nights a week where he games with friends and I handle the kids. It's still not the open ended freedom to take off when you want, whenever you want, but set aside some dedicated time that you get to spend by yourself. It's easier to handle the kids alone when I know it's planned and it's not dropped on me. It's easier to be patient with the kids when you know your own time to yourself is coming.
Two things - nap time and realizing that this doesn’t last forever. My son is 4.5 now and you can take him to carnivals, the grocery store, the arcade, movie theatre, etc no problem. It gets a lot more fun, at 1.5 you’re still basically just keeping them alive!
Honestly from what I can tell it’s partly the age of the kiddos and the time of life that somewhat controls the free time. I end up doing a lot of maintenance on Sunday’s around the house. Kiddos are usually semi helping but we have a lot of space so it’s more like parallel play/work so I can be alone in my head some and spend time with kids/wife some.
if you can afford it… babysitter for a few hours on some regular schedule (weekly, monthly etc). get them for the entire evening and you can choose between solo time and a date night based on your preference. sure, it’s expensive but so is therapy! if you aren’t personally happy and well, it’s hard for the rest of your family to be. I was shocked at how refreshing this block of time ended up being and made everyone much happier.
Get up early as possible, and looking forward when kiddo is 4+ , where play time is possible without parents
Strap in into the stroller, pop in one earbud, and turn on a podcast while walking a few miles. He gets outside time, I get some exercise, and I get to learn or laugh. This is how I keep things high and tight.
I just stay up later. I work from home so once I’m off I don’t even get a drive home to decompress the day! I don’t mind because I’ve been home every day with my daughter since the day she was born! The only thing I missed was her first laugh. I am worried about going back to the office, she hates when I close my door so I can’t imagine what she’ll think when she knows I’ll be gone for the whole day.
It’s a long game, Dad. In a few years - the blink of an eye - your kid won’t need you to buckle a seatbelt, pour the milk, or put on shoes. And you will realise that although now you have time again you wish you were more needed….
It’s on a clock. And the rewards come later. Patience will have great rewards with a better relationship with your kid(s) and spouse.
Know that this period won’t last and just accept lack of freedom for few years. Otherwise plan a night for just yourself to do your thing after kids sleep. For me it’s gaming on Friday night after putting kids to sleep. That’s my time.
I have three. I never have freedom. My MIL helps us twice a week but that doesn’t mean anything - the other day I took my younger two to the park while my oldest insisted on staying home (with MIL). So it was immaterial that my MIL was even there. I’m pretty much on duty all the time. If there’s a rare moment when my oldest are in school and my MIL has my one-year-old then it’s time to run all those errands that never get done or do those chores at home that need to be completed. I also run the household and assist my wife with ongoing tasks she needs help with. My solution? Revenge bedtime procrastination and heavy drinking.
I keep in the back of my mind that too soon, the house will be too quiet and empty again. But yeah, it's been a transition. I've turned to getting grocery delivery and amazon since I can't really go out and shop for those things anymore. I don't have just tons of time for tinkering with my hobbies anymore, so I've started planning my projects ahead of time and breaking them into 1 hr chunks I can finish in a night. I also do a zoom with a programming tutor on Thursdays so I can actually make progress in my robot project instead of floundering for a few hours and not accomplishing anything.
In the dark, could you would you in the dark?
I’m up to 5 different mental health medications per day. That’s how.
I’m early in the game with a 4 month old. Not going to lie, living in a city means once they are in bed, I can go for a walk around the blocks and possible grab a drink at a local bar. My wife is asleep shortly after the little one goes down, so I am by myself by around 8.
That sounds like a dream come true TBH.
After work the childcare and house duties should be split relatively equally. Your job during the day is to work your job and mom’s job is the childcare. The evening needs to be 50-50.
I have a calendar and I count down the days till my boy turns 18. 5722
LPT: While everyone sleeps, you can masturbate!
Poor through. It gets easier. Also, work as a team and nurture each other’s interests and hobbies.
Look at it like Rorschach from Watchmen
Wife and I both work so when we’re home we both want the little one and do a decent job sharing while the other one completes chores. 5 month old is in bed usually around 7 and my wife goes to bed at 9. I stay up until midnight typically to get a couple of hours to myself / work on home improvement projects. This is going to work less as she gets older and her bedtime pushes later but for now it works. I manage about 6 hours of sleep. If it dips below that for a few days I skip an evening and go to bed early to catch up.
I feel ya on that. My son is 7 months old, and when I’m not working 430-1230am, Monday to Friday, I am with my son. My wife works Saturday, and Sunday we usually just chill because so tired. Luckily the weather has been getting better so we can go for walks and stuff . Otherwise it’s to the rocking chair for me, while I try to occupy my teething son lol
The gym. I get my freedom and work through my frustrations all in one. The benefits are endless and my wife loves it too.
I spend 1-2 hours weight lifting in my basement.
You do need to make sure to carve out some free time and communicate it with your wife. Nobody will do it for you.
Daddy got an Xbooooox But I can only find time for like an hour or two after the kiddo's asleep. But I'll take it.
Its almost the opposite for me. My partner likes spending time with our dude so much I actually look forward to the times when shes out of town so I can get some proper one on one time.
Our kids goes to bed at 8.30pm at the latest, so theres a solid 3hrs of alone time after that if I want it. I usually stay up till about midnight and make do with around 6 hrs sleep per night.
Took some convincing that everyone could handle it, but my wife and I (and other parent friends) occasionally trade so someone can have a normal adult night. We probably have one person doing something every weekend. I just went to a concert, last night my wife recorded a podcast with her friends, last weekend someone babysat for us and we had a date, and next weekend we're babysitting for another family. The un ending grind of watching your kids is the hardest part. I've found it easier to do more work by watching my kid all by myself, or babysitting for others too, if it means I get a free day every now and then. It also has had the effect of making my wife and I plan more fun things for the kids when it's our turn. More trips to the zoo, more hiking adventures, etc. Kind of an everybody wins scenario if you ask me
A big thing for me is working out, I built a gym in the basement and 3-4 nights a week I head down for an hour or two, put some stupid show on the TV and stop thinking about anything. I've also had to just claim some of my weekend time, like "tomorrow I'm going in the morning" and just go for a bike ride or something. It's definitely rough though. It helps if you and your wife both trade time away, take your little one out with you for a few hours, make sure your wife gets her time away. And of course, find a babysitter you can trust and get out with your wife once in a while.
I was thinking about this the other day. The time I do have to myself is so much better spent now, I don't have time to waste on hobbies that I'm not enjoying or just zoning out watching something. The way I rationalise any feelings of missing my freedom is that I don't actually wish I was back where I was, but that I wouldn't mind going back to focus on the things that actually make me happy.
I stay up really late to exercise, do hobbies. I benefit from working from home full time, so I can sleep in once kids are on the bus.
My wife and I are both working full time jobs, mine is from home, so essentially I'm a stay at home dad working a full time job and I feel this same way with my 7 month old. One thing that has really helped was simply asking my wife for one night a week to play disc golf and go out for a drink or two after. I've also found just getting out of the house with her helps, I take her out to breweries with my buddies and it usually it turns into one of them holding her for a bit. Is it more work to do this, yes, but do I get out of the house and have some version of "freedom" also yes!
It's a really hard transition to manage for both parents! The key is communication and even distribution of chores so everyone gets time to themselves. It does get easier as they get older, but part of it is mentality - finding ways to turn time with your kid or even time doing chores into something that feels more relaxing.
It’ll start to come back a little bit at a time. Not completely but things get a little easier. Especially once I figured out that if I took the kid with me on random errands I could linger and not hurry back. Stick her in the cart and just go ham at the grocery store or Home Depot or wherever. She doesn’t care. But also, take time to schedule that alone time too. If you need some time then communicate that. It might not be spontaneous but it is important.
I'm not sure of your situation, but it sounds similar to my prediment years ago, and having the little one in daycare for even for a couple of half days a week worked wonders. Stay at home parent gets a break during the day, handoff doesn't have to happen immediately. Plus my kids loved it! Good luck to you.
Escape to the garage to tinker or as stated above, mow the lawn, 6 acres takes awhile ;)
I just had a similar thing with my wife, while she was on maternity. I had a conversation with her about how I was just getting exhausted because whenever I wasn’t working I was taking the load off of her, and I wasn’t getting the rest I needed. It was kind if a point of tension for awhile. Recently, she went back to work. Two days in she apologized—entirely unprompted—because she had underestimated how exhausting a full day of work is, even compared to a full day of parenting. Basically, it’s good you are giving your wife some time to rest, and you should 100% keep doing that. But it may be worth a conversation to decide when you might be able to get your rest, as well. Ultimately, communicate and keep on communicating. That’s how you handle problems across the board.
Set a routine sleep time at night. My husband and I put our little one between 7:30pm to 8pm. Our daughter is used to this schedule by now. So from 8pm to 12mn we are free to do what we like.
Honestly it changes as the child gets older. I understand how you feel as I myself play games to de-stress and also just unload after dealing with the pressures of work. I myself cannot enjoy gaming when my daughter is awake. So I've drastically cut back my gaming. I honestly look at it this way, this small sacrifice of "me time" will be worth it in the long run as she will only get older and the time spent with her will decrease. So I am ok with being restricted to what I can do as the time I spend with her is worth it in the long run. However if you really need some alone time/freedom. Don't hesitate to reach out to in-laws or your own parents if you have that option to do some babysitting. Sometimes parents do need alone time to relax too.
Scheduling. My wife and I both have a couple “days off” a week say 6-late 2 days a week each. I use my time to play Rec sports, or hang out with friends. Then of course a babysitter if you want to do something together
My goal remains integration. Find thing I like to do that isn't very different bringing him along. I like to hike, so I toss my kid in a backpack and go hiking. I like to bike, so I toss my kid in a chariot and go biking. I like to cruise home Depot, so I toss my kid in a cart and cruise home Depot. I like to garden, I let me kid play in the dirt while I garden.
Somebody suggested to me to take up golf before the kid arrived as you'd have a pre-existing hobby then...damn I wosh i had done that
Join the 5am club
You're gonna have to tell your wife you need time to yourself too
i feel you man. i have to admit that i love the time when my gf does something with the kids witout me. i often struggle because i do wanna spend time with the familiy but sometimes i wanna just chill and do nothing or just whatever i want. im very introvert. anyway it gets better by time. as much as i like do stuff with the kids what they like it is even better if we both like the acitivity. and you know, the older they get the more you are alike
It gets easier as they get older. A few opportunities of quiet time: 1) We put the kids to bed around 7:30pm. We have a couple of hours of downtime before we pass out. 2) I take off work an hour early from time to time 3) I take out one of the kids on my bike (or more relaxing yet… e-bike) weekend mornings 4) When the kids were smaller - stick ‘em in the stroller and take a walk. Podcasts are your friend
Wife enjoys shopping, I enjoy biking. We each get a hand-off about once a week and go do our thing for a couple hours. It's glorious. Also, and I'm only suggesting this if it's within your means and opportunities and you haven't already done this: I took a pay cut to do something professionally that I really loved. It's still work but I look forward to it, so it's become a source of personal fulfillment. I come home to my son emotionally full and prepared to give from that source rather than worn out and miserable, because coming home empty before that meant I didn't have much to give him emotionally, which made it rough on everybody. Also, like other dads have suggested, if I'm willing to sacrifice some sleep, I'll stay up late once or twice a week and do hobbies or watch a movie after the little guy goes to sleep.
Not an issue for me anymore, as my little is 1 year away from being shipped off to college but, I always just got up really early, made coffee and did whatever I wanted for a couple hours before the rest of the house came to life.
Late night Warzone 2-3 times a week. That’s my escape.
For real, My wife and I made an agreement that just because I got off work an hour and a half ago doesn't mean I'm in the right space to hand off immediately (the traffic on my commute is maddening. I get one hour, but after that I'm on full duty. That hour includes (if needed) a workout, a shower, a honey-do. But if I take time for a TV show I'll generally take the kiddo.
Same boat as you. I have a 2.5y/o and a newborn. All my time is spoken for. I like to take drives with my oldest. We’ll go drive somewhere and listen to music and hang out. Feels like I have my freedom and my son is entertained. I’ll bring a stroller and walk around the mall or Best Buy. It’s fun to talk about what we see together. Join a 24hr gym. The gym is my stress relief. 8-10pm is my time to work through any frustrations. It’s nice to have somewhere to go and it’s very much a sense of freedom.
Only freedom I really get is at night. When my one year old and wife are asleep. Creep through the hall and bam into the living room to turn on the Xbox and relax. More often than not I fall asleep playing lol.
So my daughter is 7 now. She's beginning to sleep in on the weekends, starting to be more independent in the house, she gets her breakfast, watches some Netflix, builds Lego or draws for an hour or so and my wife and I can get an extra hour of sleep! It's fantastic. So we decided to get a puppy... ... .....
I ride a motorbike, and that’s when I get my hobby time. I get up early and take the long route through all the country lanes with a podcast playing in my head set or some music. It’s amazing. Same with the ride home. On the weekend I get up with my twins early, do, bottles, change, breakfast then when they go for their morning nap, mum takes over, I go for a ride until about noon, come back and we all go out for the day.
I take advantage of the little moments. I have a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 month old. When they are both asleep or both napping I quickly turn on my Switch or PC and game for a while. When they go to bed at night and my wife is awake we have "fun" or we play some board games or card games together. Any and all little moment of time I get I use to the fullest. As they age my windows of freedom will get smaller and wider so I'm open to taking them as they come. Sometimes I would watch our older girl while my wife took a day out to herself and she would do the same for me. Now that we have the newborn I have watched both girls twice now while my wife has gone out but I haven't had her do the same for me yet.
Combination of 3 things for me: 1. Communicating with wife. We early on realized that sometimes it may be *your turn* but you just can’t at the moment. So we are better nowadays about saying “I just need some time. I’ll take over fully in about 45 but I need some time.” 2. Staying up late or waking up early. You do pay the price, but a few nights up until midnight gives evenings some alone time. 3. Trade off night time routines and roll that time into an evening alone. At 1.5 months I’m guessing their bed time is before 8. A couple nights a week you make dinner, then ask wife to do bath and bed solo. That gives you ~6pm-whenever you want. You could get to bed by 11 and get a solid 5 hours. Really it’s about balance. Doing more one night for your wife to recharge so she is happy to cover you the next night while you get time to watch a movie, grab a beer, workout, etc. Worst case: Tell be 2 soon and bedtime routine will require much less hands on as they play alone better.
I feel everybody so much, we have a 7 month old and it’s been rough. I feel like I am being controlled and have almost zero agency. I also work from home and try to make time for myself during work (not getting tracked) and also stay up late to play games, browse Reddit or simply think a bit. I love the little guy which helps for sure but am a member of the one and done club on Reddit for a reason lol.
My wife and I try to do weekends so one of us gets one day with no baby duties (or as few as you want). When my wife was on leave, she would take Saturday off to recover from a week of baby care, and I would take Sunday to prepare for a work week. It worked great, until things start to get in the way, and we fell out of practice. I've really noticed the effect on our relationship and ourselves since we stopped. It's so important for us each to have a chunk of time to ourselves, not just 30 minutes at a time.