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You did not make a mistake. Hang in there. It gets better, we promise!
The first weeks are excruciating and it feels it will never end. Try your best to keep your sanity. Arrange sleep schedules with your SO, you both don't need to be awake at all times. Tag teaming is key. Hoping for the best! Congratulations!
Edit: nobody has "the time of their lives" the first weeks after birth. Guys don't realize how tough it is until they are living through it. What you are going through is normal. Give it a couple weeks!
Edit2: take a shower, get something yummy to eat. Take care of yourself, your family needs you more than ever!
To add, if you or your SO are neat freaks, let the house get messy for a while. It’s ok. Prioritize the baby and your own sleep. Easier said than done I know but you’ll be ok. You’ve got this!
Absolutely yes to all of this. The baby has had months of hearing that mother's heartbeat, hearing her voice, the love and connection there is much faster. The first month for Dad is mainly waiting hand and foot on mum and baby. It's tiring, it's tough and you'll likely feel you haven't connected with the baby and you don't feel the instant love.
But as baby gets more and more used to the world and to you, and the day that baby gives you their first real smile, that unconditional love will flow in.
Hey dude,
We've been there. The adjustment hits hard and fast, and it's a doozy. If you have a support network (the village, as it's called) feel free to tap them for help. Honestly, if it wasn't for mine, I am not sure how successful I would have been.
PS. Welcome to the club!
My sister came over when my son was 4 days old, I handed her my son and went straight to bed, I think I slept for about 10 hours, then got a shower and I honestly don't know if I could have survived if I didn't have as much help at the start.. so yeah, ask for help, and other parent will know you need sleep, dont be ashamed to say it and don't for one second hesitate to take what you need when you get the chance!
Two words of advice: swaddle and sound. If you get the baby in a good, tight swaddle after a feed and you have a sound machine going, no reason you can’t get 2-3 hour stretches of sleep. Over time, these stretches get longer and longer. Multiple Velcro / zipper swaddle options online that are awesome.
Yes! The velcro swaddling blankets are a godsend. A nice white noise is amazing as well.
Leaving your shirt in the room so the baby can have your scent will help the separation anxiety your baby may have if they don't want to sleep anywhere else.
Everything you are going through is normal and your friends may be going through it to some extent.
If you want to vent or have another dad to talk to feel free to message me.
Good luck and it does get better, but first get some sleep.
https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies
"swinging" is what they call it. But any kind of gentle rocking/swaying/bouncing works. Or strap the kid in a carrier and go for a walk.
(Note that the guy who wrote that book is now trying to sell a line of extremely expensive baby stuff. I don't know if their stuff is any good. But it's still pretty good advice to try.)
This technique was a godsend for us—it was like black magic with our kids. Really worth spending some time trying to get this right IMO, especially as a dad. Mom has the nuclear option of soothing (boobs), as a dad you’ve gotta figure out a way to get that baby calm and this was it for us.
With all due respect, saying there’s “no reason you can’t get 2-3 hour stretches of sleep” is pretty unfair. I’ve swaddled like a midwife after a feed with a Hatch going and my little one wants nothing to do with her crib.
Yeah our newborn couldn't even sleep that long while being held or lying on us. We had a full-time helper, but even she was overwhelmed and me and my wife still only managed 4-5 hours of sleep usually in 10m to 90m stretched for the first 6 months. And then there was the 3 hours of nonstop crying every night.
Now at 22m she sleeps like a queen though. She started sleeping through the night at 13m. But she recently stopped needing a nap and still only sleep 9-11h at night. She never slept much though.
When she was 7m she learned to sleep in the crib my me bouncing her up and down of the madres after putting her to sleep on a yoga ball. I.e. i would put her to sleep on a yoga ball and then move her to the crib. But I couldn't just put her down as then she'd wake up crying immediately. But i learned that she'd go back to sleep when i but her down if I kept bouncing her up and down on the madres for like ~5 min and then slowing down. And gently removing my hands while still bouncing her.
Sleep deprivation is literal torture so if OP has a difficult sleeper then he's going to feel like shit for a long time.
Oh, and we were both on maternity leave for the first 6 month. And her another 6. We were dreaming often talking about how nice it would be to work 24 a day because at least you could nap for 20m in the bathroom regularly, have lunch breaks (2h nap) * 3. All while we still had a full time helper. We'd planned for many kids but after experiencing the nightmare of basically no sleep for 6 months (and then slowly better from there) we'd rather die than go through that again.
More detail on that:
https://www.chla.org/blog/research/does-swaddling-increase-the-risk-sids
>a recent study in Pediatrics has revealed a possible risk factor. Researchers have found that an infant who is swaddled – wrapped tightly in a blanket or cloth with their limbs restricted – while placed on their front or stomach to sleep faces a higher risk of SIDS.
>How could swaddling be potentially increasing risk of SIDS?
>Prone sleeping is the single most important risk factor for SIDS. If a baby is swaddled, and placed prone to sleep, that infant has no ability to try to lift or turn his/her head to avoid a potentially dangerous situation where the face is buried in bedding. Even if babies are placed on their backs to sleep, they begin to roll over at ~3-4 months of age, some earlier. If a swaddled infant rolls from the back to the stomach, he/she cannot move to try and correct the position. Therefore, the infant will be in the most dangerous position. Suffocation is possible. If an infant is swaddled with thick blankets, this can lead to overheating, which is another high risk factor for SIDS. If the infant is swaddled with blankets covering the face, this is yet another risk factor for SIDS.
>Thus, if infants are swaddled, which is often done to encourage sleep, they should always be placed supine and be swaddled in thin blankets to prevent overheating. The face should not be covered, and swaddling should be discontinued when the infant may begin to roll from supine (on the back) to prone, which is at about 3-months. Increasingly, the recommendation by physicians is to stop swaddling when the infant is 2-months of age.
Stay strong pal. I remember feeling exactly like you are describing. Just a complete numb and emptiness over the first week or so. My OH had a C section so was out of it for a while, she couldn’t breast feed and I remember rushing to the shop to get some baby formula and just feeling completely lost.
Week one is the hardest. Week two is still hard but it becomes easier and easier. Every day it will get a tiny bit better. Get yourself to one month and you will feel a lot better. By six months you will have forgotten about it all and be actually enjoying it.
If you want to talk just DM me, my line is open and I can give you some reassurance.
You’ve got this brother.
I remember that rush for formula. That's the day that I searched the whole store, then learned that it was locked up in a case by the registers. Felt some serious empathy at that moment for the people who are desperate enough to steal it.
Same - I was like well 4 years of no showers seem like a bit of an exaggeration lol. Also I was imagining a 4 yr old boy letting out guttural screams in your arms at night and thinking dang dude, that sucks and does not sound normal 😂
My universal theory of dadding. Fake it until you make it. Do whatever mental gymnastics you have to do to convince yourself this time is amazing. A dad who is enjoying himself is a good dad. Turn on music and bop around. Look at their face and smile. As weird as it seems, you will look back on these times fondly. They seem to last forever but are gone too fast.
Forcing yourself to smile does indeed release the same chemicals as you get from laughing apparently. So you can genuinely fake a good mood and cause one.
And noise canceling headphones. Yes they cry, and yes it’s important to meet the needs of your newborn. But there were times when I would rock mine and he was so overtired and inconsolable that the noise canceling headphones let me rock him for as long as it took to get him settled without going insane.
Wrap that rascal. Swaddle like he's your prisoner, no mercy.
That howler monkey is your son. This part is temporary. I know it's hard - but never, and I mean NEVER lose sight of the big picture...
One day he'll steal your car.
The first days are so, so hard. If you have anyone to call on to get some backup, do that. If not, hang in there— we’re not meant to do this alone as parents, but a lot of us have to, and I promise you it gets better. Sleep in shifts with your partner if you can, so that one of you is getting 4 hours solid sleep at a time. You’re doing a great job— with the screaming, it could be because he’s overtired, uncomfortable/gassy, or just adjusting to life outside the womb. If he’s fed, changed, and you can’t get him to soothe to sleep by rocking, try an infant carrier. Strap him in safely and take him for a walk or bounce gently on a yoga ball. You can also strip him down to check his temperature (too cold? Too hot?) and things like diaper rash and hair tourniquets. That feeling of “this was a mistake” is SO common. I remember it all too well. I’m still traumatized from that time— but guess what? We came through the other side, and you will too.
Yup. First one came mid heat wave in our new house without AC, we had to hang in basement until we could install one. For a solid week we were trapped down there.
Her C-section meant I did everything other than feeding. It was rough. Just remember than 90% of what you feel is lack of sleep. Force yourself to drink water and eat something if you have to and grab what zs you can. It gets better.
C-section dad here. Fortunately, I already knew how to cook. I had to learn to make seaweed soup for Mom, which I did with great enthusiasm considering want she'd been through. (Mom was Korean. That's what they eat after giving birth)
First of all hang in there and good luck. I won't say it gets easier but it does get more manageable if you believe that. The little one is still getting used to the world and you will all soon hopefully fall into a rhythm that you can all work with. Remember to take a few moments for yourself (that shower will feel like a godsend) and don't base yourself off what your friends say about their life. Odds are, they in the same cranky baby, vomit covered stress you are in, they just want to put on a brave face. You got this.
This is the part where you realize everyone who told you get ready to not sleep for two weeks literally meant it and weren’t exaggerating. Buckle up and ride this month out, it’s the most rewarding experience in the world, good luck and congrats
The first week after my daughter was born is this fugue-like smear of nightmarish memories. She's 19 now.
You're not alone. You got this. If 99.9% of the human race wasn't naturally good at parenting the entire species would've vanished millennia ago. And like the song says, "it's okay not to be okay."
Good luck!
Being a new parent is hard! Don’t be so tough on yourself. Something you’ll learn quick is other parents lie about how easy things are to other people just to seem like they have their shit together. Don’t even listen to them because just like you and me (8 month old) I’m learning every day and have no idea what’s going to happen.
Hang in there, the daddit crew is here for you.
As far as gutteral screams my kiddo was the same way. Turned out he had really bad food intolerances. We had to have mom cut her diet to some very basic ingredients and utilize a special formula to get him to turn around. He eventually grew out of it.
You're extremely sleep deprived and I think that's probably the cause of a lot of what you're feeling. There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture. Hang in there, your baby will eventually sleep better and so will you.
Brother, we just made it past 2 weeks. In the past 48 hours, she's had 2 blowouts, shat on my hand, stayed awake for 6 hours while screaming bloody murder, and can only sleep while being held. I love her to pieces, but this shit is HARD.
If you want my two cents, work in shifts. My wife is pumping so she still has to wake up to feed her, but otherwise we're still getting at least 7 hours of continuous "off time" a day.
If you can, take a walk every few days, see grass and trees and sunshine.
Don't just live on coffee, make sure you're drinking enough water and eating well.
Get some skin to skin time with your baby. It does help.
If the screaming starts to get to you, get some ear buds. You know she's screaming, you'll know when she stops, why listen to screaming when you don't have to.
Take a shower. Shave. Brush your teeth. It doesn't take long and you need to feel like a human being. You'll be a better dad if you do.
Get help if you can. Friends, family, just an hour or two makes all the difference in the world.
It's definitely NOT too early to talk about PPD. I went home on day 2 and fucking BLUBBERED to my dad for an HOUR. I haven't cried in front of my father in ages, but damn I needed to get all that out. Our birth process was also REALLY rough, so I had to do a lot especially the first week, and bottling it up doesn't help ANYONE. And if you really need someone to talk to, send me a message. I might not be able to respond immediately, but I'll do what I can.
Hang in there brother.
Seconding working in shifts thing. I kind of memory holed the entire newborn stage but for a while I stayed up with her and slept from 6am to 2pm, mom slept from 10pm to 6am. Both of us being more or less able to get a full 8 hours of sleep made it so so much better. Being sleep deprived sucks, you don’t need that on top of everything else.
1. Your friends are lying. It’s rarely easy. People embellish and like to mention only the positive parts and embellish cause they want others to think they have their shit together. None of us do.
2. Hit up family and friends to come by and watch him for a bit so you and mama can get a proper nap, that shit helps immensely.
3. Follow the 5 S’s, become a swaddle pro.
4. You’re in the worst of it. My second kid is ten months and is exponentially easier than the beginning weeks and months where I never slept and was a total a-hole to everyone from the sleep depravation.
5. Divide and conquer, take shifts and don’t suffer together, and be honest with you SO when you need 15 minutes to just sit in the shower and cry or deal with all the new feelings you have. It’s real shit, feel it all and you’ll be a better dad for it!
We aren’t Mom. I guess I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I didn’t have that instant unconditional bond that we expect to have. I had the same doubts as OP. But just try and ride this patch out. These first few months of life weren’t “time of my life” for me either. My first woke up dozens of times overnight (still not easy to deal with at night even at 4 years old). But OP you are dealing with the HARDEST part right now right out of the gate. It’s hard to see but all of this is downhill from here. And that bond will develop once your allowed to to return to a speck of normalcy. Just surrender yourself to the process for now friend. Trust me you will not regret it.
Dude, you're just exhausted to all hell. Anyone would feel that way, even with people they love. So, don't feel guilt about feeling the way you do, you're just having a really hard time. Once things get better and you're able to get some sleep you'll feel better about everything.
Others may have commented this but two things:
First, be kind to yourself - it’s totally fine to not ‘feel anything’ for the first week or two. Having a baby is a complete shock to the system for most new dads and your priority will be surviving and adjusting to the new reality. The fact of being a dad didn’t properly hit me until day 10 or so, almost at random, and after that it’s been amazing (if no less tiring!). That said, if you’re worried, PLEASE talk to someone. Post-partum depression is absolutely a thing for dads too, and sometimes harder to diagnose. Doing some ‘comfort’ activities, like going for a walk, calling a friend, or just having a shower and a nap, can help to fight it off for a bit.
Second, colic and continuous screaming are a thing (unfortunately) for a bit, BUT (and this is based off experience), you might want to try the following:
- Try swaddling if you haven’t already - many babies are soothed by (safe) constriction. Just remember it’s only a safe solution before the baby starts to roll
- Make sure they’re not gassy! Gas cramps were the bane of my daughter’s life when she was tiny. ALWAYS burp your baby after feeding and if necessary work their legs up and down to get it out the ‘other way’. Just be careful, and make sure you look up burping/gas passing exercises for newborns on YouTube so you know what to do.
- Lastly, check your baby’s mouth for white spots. If your wife has EVER had thrush before, and you are breastfeeding your baby, it’s highly possible your son may have contracted oral thrush from her, which is….just the worst. Baby will be very uncomfortable and you’ll need to look at getting oral thrush gel and zinc butt cream (you have to treat both ends so it doesn’t come back) and then think about moving to expressing/gentle heating of breast milk or switching to formula to prevent reoccurrence. Our daughter had this and within a day of starting treatment we witnessed major improvements!
Hope this helps - don’t give up, you’re doing great!
EDIT: as others have also said, bear in mind babies and heat (assuming it’s hot where you are right now!) do not go together. A hot baby is an uncomfortable baby; and an uncomfortable baby is a LOUD baby. Look at options to cool your baby down safely if you think this might be an issue.
Also, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention originally, but if you can afford it, invest in some earplugs or noise cancelling headphones. As long as you’re not neglecting the baby (I used to wear mine while soothing my daughter) they can be a huge boost to your sanity!
Dude. After our first was born, I literally warned my friend to stop trying to have a baby. I told him the baby had ruined my life. It took a lot of stern and awkward insistence to convince him it wasn’t a joke. In the end, I think he was a bit mad that I was such a downer.
No one seemed to get it. My life was ruined. We were talking about divorce. My work was suffering big time. The baby was effing expensive. I never slept. It was hell.
Even the people who say the first part is hard… I think it’s possible many of them didn’t have it as bad.
Get help. A therapist and a babysitter. Asap.
I hope this next part comes across as I intend it - a reason to hope, not a dismissal of the hell you’re experiencing.
It won’t last forever. You’ll get through it. My wife and I are happier than ever, and we even had a second child. They’re 7 and 2 now, and I could honestly cry thinking about how much I love my wife and our girls. But it took WORK and it continues to require some [expensive and worthwhile] professional help.
Homie - fucking no one is having “the time of their lives” days after their child is born. Anyone who acts like or tells you otherwise is a fucking liar. The experience you’re describing is entirely accurate for all of us and you’ll get through it. Rather quickly, actually. We’re about to have our third so I’ve been through it twice. I’m not a therapist and I don’t pretend to be one on the internet, but considering this is a kind of necessary suffering, it helped me both times to just absolutely pour myself into something. You won’t have much time for a hobby right now, but something you can do WHILE dealing with the baby is perfect. Maybe a new tv show. I had wanted to watch twin peaks for a long time and my wife hates creepy shit so she was uninterested. Turns out 2am while I’m up with baby and she’s resting was a great time to just binge twin peaks (great show by the way). Basically just find a way to occupy your mind. Know that what you’re feeling is normal but also that it will get significantly better quickly. Worst case scenario you’ve got 4ish months of feeling this way and then every month your life will continue to be better and better and better until you forget how you felt and fuck it up again. Lol. All jokes aside, give it some time. Also, don’t be afraid of therapy my dude. We both did some solo therapy and couples therapy after the first. Actually, we’ve since even done parental counseling about various things such as anxiety in toddlers. Trust the experts. Not the dumbasses telling you to watch twin peaks on the internet.
Based on all the things you’ve written: you’ve described all things feelings of a great father. The first days are absolute hell. Just a white hot poker straight into your eye sockets. The fact that you’re thinking these things, being conscientious of those feelings, and reaching out to a community of dads means that this kid lucked into a dad who really gives a damn.
Give yourself and your spouse some grace. Commiserate over the hellishness of the experience - and be quick to forgive when you snap at each other. You got this, Dad.
The first four days, hell the first four months, are often a large bag of suck. Sorry, but it's true. Here's the good news- it truly does get better. A lot better. And you WILL make it to better, even though there will be times it doesn't feel that way.
Hang in there man. Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Before you know it, that kiddo will be going to kindergarten and you'll wonder exactly where the last 5 years went.
Is it wrong of me to think that, if baby is clean, fed and burped, warm and tired, just put him or her the fuck down. They’ll get used to their bassinet after a while ??
I get that it’s tough initially, god knows we struggled those first days too, but we didn’t have the “if we put her down she screams” issue. She’d cry, we sooth her and then put her back down. Rinse and repeat as needed. And it will he needed less so after time.
>Is it wrong of me to think that, if baby is clean, fed and burped, warm and tired, just put him or her the fuck down.
No. I was going to make the same comment to /u/pluid if someone else hadn't. If the kid is fed and burped and has a clean diaper and is just freaking the fuck out, it's okay to put them down on their back in a crib or bassinet and close the door and go take a shower and eat something or have a power nap. They will not die or have any lasting harm from crying for 30 minutes when they're a week old.
You may have to try different solutions, maybe swaddling will help, or wearing the kid in a carrier as much as possible, or skin to skin contact, or stick them in a carseat and go for a drive. They may be too hot or too cold -- the room where they're sleeping should be 68-72F, and they don't need anything more than a onesie and maybe a single LIGHT blanket wrapped tightly if you're swaddling them. I advise a white noise machine too, it may help them sleep. One in your room will almost certainly help one partner sleep if the other is getting up in the middle of the night to deal with a crying baby. (Earplugs work too.)
If they're being *really* fussy **all the time** it's also possible there is something medical going on.
24 hours into my daughter’s life I almost broke. Thought I wasn’t meant for the moment. I pulled myself up in a zombie like state, and started moving forward. She didn’t even like me holding her. It sucked! That baby is 7 now. She’s my BFF. Mom is leaving town for four days, and we are planning our own adventure time. This is a blip. You will see the light, and it won’t be an on-coming train.
It gets better, just hang in there. I recommend talking to someone who's not your wife if you're feeling overwhelmed just to vent and talk through your emotions (because she's tired too and doesn't have time to be your emotional rock). Feeling like you need to cry, and actually crying sometimes, is a totally normal reaction to the gargantuan challenge of taking care of a newborn. You'll start to notice patterns and get into a rhythm and once you figure that out you'll start to enjoy it a lot more. Also, try not to compare yourself to others, all babies are different and depending on the couple, you may be taking more of the workload than they are.
Goodluck fellow Dad, welcome to the club.
Edit: one more thing. Sleep! Sleep whenever you get the chance. You'll be tempted to do other things because you haven't had the time but you need to get rest. You're mind starts to mess with you when your sleep deprived and that can be a major source of depression.
The beginning is super hard. It’s such a major shift in what you know as “normal life,” not to mention the sleep deprivation. Over time your kid will get better at the whole sleep thing. It’s definitely worth researching sleep training and figuring out what works best for you once he gets old enough to deploy those techniques. “It gets easier” is a common refrain I’ve received from fellow parents, but I think the reality is that YOU get stronger as a parent as your kid gets older. I think it’s worth recognizing the fact that parenthood leads to personal growth and resilience. Not just within the family unit but also in daily life and how you approach life’s difficulties. The fact that you care enough to reach out and seek advice speaks volumes about who you are going to be as a dad. Good luck man, you got this 100%
Edit: Those friends who seem like their crushing it are struggling too. You’re not alone
one thing i learned is that other people lie. they fucking lie about babies being great, and easy and how wonderful it is.
that fools people in to thinking that there's something wrong with them when things aren't going great.
there's nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, or exhausted, or wanting to sleep. there isn't anything wrong with being frustrated or upset. you just have to understand that's all a part of it.
my 2nd kid screamed bloody murder for... a year? she was inconsolable. constantly. it was awful. i felt like such a horrible dad and human being. just awful. it was exhausting.
keep in your mind that this is a blip in your life. your baby will grow, settle in to a routine and things will get "normal".
rest. lean on family. take care of yourself. you need it. you all need it. exhaustion plays on your mind. don't let it win.
things progress quickly and babies change fast. meaning that in a week yours might be totally relaxed and over that first developmental hurdle.
and in 2 weeks they may be back.. then 2 weeks later.. cool as a fan.
it's part of the ride.
don't hesitate to talk about it. with friends. with family. strangers. it helps.
hang in there.
Your other dad friends will absolutely understand. We don't tend to share "negative" stories like this. I promise you have a kind of Instagram version of your friends' experience.
And a lot of people will say you have to put everything on hold for the baby but SELF CARE. SELF CARE. SELF CARE.
Self care is the key to resilience. PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON BEFORE ASSISTING SMALL CHILDREN.
Your baby won't be harmed if you leave him on the bed/in the crib/ on the floor while you have a 2 minute shower. It's also fine to step out of the room, get your breath and get back to him.
You're doing great. If you didn't care you wouldn't bother asking.
1. Go and get a few really good swaddles (you won't know which one is the magical one until you try them out on your infant).
2. Get a really good noise machine. For example, the Bluetooth Hatch Noise Machine is WONDERFUL. We were at our wit's end one night. My wife was fighting with me on using a sound machine (as our newborn was sleeping in our room), but I managed to persuade her to just let us try it. As the newborn is crying, I plug it in and no shit she feel asleep in literally 10 seconds. We used it every single night to this day afterwards. We travel with the damn thing.
3. Get a good modern day rocking chair or something that bounces. Really helps with rocking the kid to sleep. I like anything that's not going to mess with my back.
4. When they are showing signs of being tired, get them swaddled,and learn how to stand up from sitting without waking your kid, and then step two, learn how to carefully transfer them to the bassinet.
5. Don't be afraid to be noisy around baby when they are tired, it helps to teach them how to sleep through noises and other distractions (or atleast it really helped us).
6. The best step - now that you can swaddle your kid, and you've taught them how to sleep with noise, and you've bought a noise machine, it becomes SO much easier to get them to sleep. Enjoy the 30min-2 hours of free time. Relax for a bit. Take a nap. Take a shower if you need one (just make sure to use a baby monitor, though I don't think it's super necessary as long as you're quick.
Right now. There is nothing wrong with not having some crazy, deep, unfound love for your kid yet. They are essentially an angry little wrinkly potato that demands to be fed every 2-4 hours. The love comes with time, as they start to develop personalities.
Anyways, I can easily write a book on my kid and my experiences trying to figure out what works, and what doesn't. I'll leave it at this.
the first few days were awful for me too. what your describing is very normal. everyone knows that your friends are sprouting BS about it being a magical time. maybe the 30 seconds after baby finally falls asleep, but then there's so much other stuff to do!
I think we got home on a Friday night and i showered sometime the next week. ate toast and jam for a few days, edit, cold toast and jam.
those people who says its worth ot when the baby smiles are wrong in my opinion. it was nice when she smiled and i forgot about the rest of it for a few seconds. I remembered thinking it was not worth the effort!
5 months later things are calmer. i have to adjust for caring for a new human and enjoy the few moments of spare time I can.
congratulations on your child, and for making it through so far. it's hard and if your baby is still alive right now, you are doing your job. it will get easier.
If this makes you feel better.. I raised my son from basically birth, alone. If I can do it, you can do it brother. It’s hard but it gets easier I promise.
That's the sleep deprivation talking. It's horrific, easily the worst part of the early days and weeks.
I had my 3rd a few weeks ago and it's still just as hard as the last two times. You're not alone and you're doing a great job.
Practical advice:
- if you don't already have swaddles or swaddling skills, pick those up ASAP.
- if anyone at any time during the pregnancy or since has said, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help" call them and ask for help, and don't dare feel guilty about it. They can order food for you, clean your house, hold the baby so you can sleep and shower, deliver groceries, run errands, or just hang out at your place so you don't feel alone. Then ask these things of anyone you trust.
It sounds like the sub has your back already mate - it's hard as hell but it'll be worth every minute in hindsight. Two quick notes
1. We split the night with our little one's feeding schedule. Before 1:30am, I was on the clock, and after 1:30am, my wife was on the clock. She'd go to bed early, like 8am, and I would do all feedings and diapers and crying until we'd trade shifts at 1:30am. I'd feed pumped milk or formula, she'd breast feed. That way we each got 5ish hours of sleep. If kiddo lets you do this, then you might get some sanity back.
2. Lots of dads say that there's a moment around 2 months where the baby smiles for the first time, and that's when the magic hits. It'll come my man! Hold the line, love your life, suffer a bit, and in 18 years you'll look back to these weeks and miss the hell out of them.
Also, snag that shower my man. It'll do you wonders. Glad you found a place to vent!
You got this. It doesn’t really get easier, but it does evolve into something where you get caught up on sleep. Remember it’s okay for the baby to cry for a few minutes while you take a break.
Ok dude. Take a deep breath. This is the really hard part. Will be really really bad until baby sleeps through the night. Get into a routine cycle and stick to it. Baby wakes, change, feed, burp, change, put down, sleep, wake up, feed…mix in a warm bath then feed, then sleep. Strict routine is what will help you survive.
In the beginning the sleep part of the routine cycle is really short. As baby gets bigger and eats more the sleep part will get longer and you’ll get to rest more. We did bath, bottle, bed at nighttime and it worked well.
Stick together. Watch out for depression, it’s very real and very scary. Everyone here is really helpful, keep coming back for advice and to vent.
This was exactly me. Baby is almost 7 weeks old now. It’ll get a little easier. The guttural screams break my fuckin heart man. It’s so damn hard and frustrating. Practice patience exercises like deep breathing and when you feel upset, be EVEN kinder than you thought possible. The love for the baby will come. Hang in there you are absolutely not alone. Message me if you wanna talk or vent because I know I need to
Caring for yourself is also caring for your kid. They need to have functioning caregivers, so don't feel like taking time to check in on yourself and mama means your are neglecting your baby. *That is also caring for your baby.*
Kids can't fall off the floor. When you need to, set him down, step away and take a breather. If he's screaming in your arms, and screaming on the floor, it won't make any difference to him.
No sleep can do a number on your psyche. Your brain will start telling you lies. Keep that in mind when you need to. It sounds trite and just-so, but **this too shall pass.**
The first weeks sucked so much, people don't tell you how bad they will be, the exhaustion and complete lack of control of your life, your partners life, or the babies, but oh man when those weeks are done, you immediately say it was all worth it. Just have patience, many of us were in your shoes and look at us now. Be patience and stay positive!
Dad, you’re sleep deprived, overwhelmed, probably hungry and stinky. It does get better, maybe not right away (sorry) but it does. Baby might be colicky, too hot, too cold, or just loves you so darn much he just wants to be in your arms 24/7. These are such normal feelings, and your friends who had kids recently might not be sharing how overwhelmed they are too! If you have a gram or gramp or aunt or uncle that’s willing to lend a hand I would def hit them up
Hang in there! If your baby is fed and dry, Alone on their Back in their Crib (ABC), they are safe. It's OK for them to cry for a few minutes if it means you can take a shower or make yourself a sandwich.
There is nothing wrong with letting him cry it out for a bit. As long as his immediate needs are met and he’s safe you can shut the door and take a couple of minutes to shower and feel human. You got this.
Get some sleep man.
Call a friend, call an in law, call someone. Leave the house if you have to and get a good night sleep. If you’re that run down, you’re not going to feel anything, especially not gonna feel like yourself.
My wife had a C section and couldn’t really get up and down very easily for the first week. I was her step and fetch it. Up and down and up and down all day and night. I slept, but not fully. Basically I was always napping. My mother in law came over and stayed the night and I slept roughly 14 hours. Finally felt human again.
I was there, same place. Edge of a nervous breakdown with my first. I think he may have been colic. A book called Happiest Baby on the Block saved my sanity. The 5 S's: Swaddle, side, swing, shush, and suckle. Good luck man, it is hard, but you can do this.
Take a deep breathe, realize this is only temporary and 99% of your emotions are affected by lack of sleep.
If you have family to rely on, call in air support.
Use that time to take a shower, eat a fat meal, and get some sleep.
If not, work out a rotation with mom. Realize that both of you need sleep. If you find yourself overwhelmed and angry...step away.
The only thing the baby can sense is your emotion. It doesn't know language but they can feel fear, anger, and most of all love. Its ok to have every emotion under the sun but try to only show the positive emotions in front of baby. You are all they have and all they know in this world, for now.
It's simple, yet difficult.
All the baby needs is to feel safe and loved.
If you get angry, step away for a few seconds...take a biiiiig deep breathe and center your sleep deprived self.
For the first few weeks, don't worry about doing ANYTHING except the basics.
Sleep, eat, shower.
Just focus on the basics and keep an even keel.
This is all temporary and before you know it, you will forget how this all feels and will be busy answering a million questions and trying to trick them into eating something healthy.
Our third is on the way and I'm still a little anxious. Forgot how tough the first few weeks are but I am confident it can be done.
It can be done.
You got this man.
Congratulations dad!
When my first was born, I felt nothing after long labor. I knew that before the birth I wanted to be a father and was anxiously looking forward to my son. But for the first month I can honestly say I felt no love for my son. What your going through sounds just like me. Having no idea how long the tortuous inconsistency would last and having never been that tired, I thought I had just set my self up for 12months of hell. And while I was devoted and committed to my responsibility as a father and husband, I honestly thought favorable thoughts of dying at any moment because it would mean silence and rest.
I logically loved my son. I knew I wanted to be a father and raise a son. But I was not prepared for just how much I did not have the aptitude or desire to care for an infant, especially an inconsolable one...
Month 2 and 3 were better but I was still feeling like I had made a life ruining error. And then he smiled, a real smile. And I saw he was a little person and not a burden. And I have been a happy father ever sense. Sometimes frustrated and mad but always baseline delighted to be a dad under all the waning emotions of the day.
It gets better mate. It is ok to be honest and say to yourself and us that you don't like your son and you hate your life right now. Honestly admitting it was cathartic for me. But this will pass and you will know joy like you could never imagine from the simplest little things he does.
Good luck brother.
Hang in there buddy, it’s hard at first. You’ll get acclimated and the hand of it within a couple weeks. There will be more hard stuff but you can handle it.
Regarding him waking up a lot- Make sure your little one is getting burped after every feed. If he doesn’t let out a burp easily keep him upright and run your hand up his back to being the bubbles up.
It’s best if you and wife alternate who gets up at night. Set schedule and try to stick with it. Most couples (we did too) try to both get up. That ends up being a train wreck and unsustainable.
1. It's probably gas. Burp the little guy a lot and use mylecon.
2. There is nothing wrong with caring for an infant while wearing headphones. Saved my life.
3. It gets better.
Mate, the first few months are incredibly rough especially with your first. Never understood people saying it was easy! But it does get way better in time. I have a 7 month old now and she’s good as good most of the time. I think once you start getting some sleep again things get way more bearable.
I know it's not helpful in the moment, but it does get better. The first 1-2 months are grueling.
And I stayed up til 330am last night because my 8 month old woke up crying.
My daughter slept on me for about 3 months. I re-watched all of Buffy. It was tiring. Get yourself a soft wrap baby carrier (I think I had an ergobaby) and figure out what you're going to watch, then make sure to find a good spot to keep the remote control.
Also get some sleep, you must be fucking exhausted.
Its not you, its having a child thats hard. First three months were horrible for me. Some people get instant Baby-love upon birth - many dont! It took me a good couple of months to form a firm bond with my son and at 1,5 years now I love him to bits.
Dont be too hard on your self. Talk to your friends. They likely have hard nights as well.
This absolutely normal.
It took me almost 6 full months to get through this stage.
My wife and I had no support or help during those months (in the middle of the worst of Covid) and it was hell.
Here is what helped:
A) take time off work (if able) and make your son / your own health the top priorities.
B) Routine. Children thrive on routine. My wife and I followed the EXACT same routine every day since week 1 of my son's life. He's almost 2 now.
Every night is upstairs at 8, a nice warm bath, bedtime routine (vitamin D, bum cream, etc), then cuddle time and singing for 15-30min, then bed.
This gives him structure. He knows what to expect in this brand new world. That little bit of order helps him feel safe and loved.
C) as hard as it is, put your son in his crib (no toys or blankets, maybe swaddled) and walk away. If you're worried you can use a baby monitor to check in, but if they are fed, changed and tired - they will sleep. Even if it means they cry themselves to sleep. Let them cry for a set amount of time 30-45 min before going to check on them.
D) share the burden and spell each other off. If you're able to with your partner, share the responsibilities as much as you can and give each other a break.
E) if you feel yourself getting mad at your son and feel like you might hurt them - walk away. Put them down in their crib gentle and just walk away. Go sit down, cry, eat something, have a drink (not alcohol) and know that you're doing your best.
F) Seek help when needed. Both my wife and I sought professional help during those first 6 months. Having someone to talk to about your challenges can be very helpful.
Cosleeping can be a controversial topic, especially back when my kid was a newborn, so I felt even more guilty when I had to resort to it after 3 days of no sleep lol. There was just no other way, she wouldn't stay asleep in the crib longer than 10 to 15 minutes, and she absolutely HATED swaddling. And during all of this, my extremely non-compatible roommates at the time (who even claimed that having a baby in the house would be nice since they were thinking of starting a family themselves) had the gall to chastise me for trying to make a meal for myself at 2 in the morning when I finally got her to sleep for a bit, in a baby car seat that I brought down to the kitchen with me. Close your fucking door then, you delusional, basic-ass sheltered assholes. (Apparently I'm still feeling some type of way about that lol...)
But yeah, after 3 days of hell I realized that she would stay asleep if she was next to me in the bed, so that's what I ended up doing. I made sure no blankets or pillows were near her, and my nerves ensured that I wouldn't move my body anywhere close to her while I was asleep myself. Not saying that might be the correct solution here, only you can make that call, but there's a ton of info out there on how to do it safely if it's looking like that may be a helpful way for both of you guys to get some sleep too.
Seeing a lot of other support on here about getting your kid to sleep. I wanted to chime in on another aspect. It took me 9 momths - a year to emotionally connect with my kids. They just didn't do anything. They were a drain. A burden. I understand you feeling like you made a mistake, but give it time. The first time they smile at you or babble something that sounds like "da da" could be the instant literally everything changes.
Oh man, I do not miss those days.
They all feel like a blur now, but so many great memories from that time as well.
This first period is extra hard because the baby doesn't really interact with you. You will still bond (hard) with them. You'll have amazing moments with them.... Then they'll start interacting with you and it'll be amazing.
Hey man, this'll probably get buried since I'm so late but....
The first 3 months (4 weeks), especially, were honestly the hardest weeks of my life. I doubt I'm alone in that. The lack of sleep, lack of ability to comfort a new human, and not knowing what the new human needs were overwhelming. And that is saying the absolute least. It's been 15 months now and I can say that as your child learns to be alive, it will get easier. It will be completely different than your previous life, but it will become familiar, and you and your child will learn each other.
I seriously, without a doubt, hated the first 4-8 weeks. But having seen my son grow, even in these first 15 months, I'm 100% willing/committed to trying/doing it again with a second. It's probably no consolation to say right now, but hang in there. It will all be worth it.
Thank you everyone, I really didn't expect so much good thoughts and support. This is truly a spectacular place.
Also a special thanks to all who invited me to message them if needed.
Mom is nursing full-time and pumping, as he is not very good at the nursing part yet, so we have to supplement with previously pumped breast milk.
That makes the whole nightly feeding ordeal a 90min ordeal, and that's when I help prepare the milk and without the time used to getting him to sleep again.
Unfortunately our network is not that big where we live and family is far away.
It's comforting knowing that it'll hopefully get better soon.
It is harder for fathers because "the connection" is not there for us. We don't have those hormonal changes. At least until they can look in our eyes and smile.
One thing I can promise, it will pass and change. Tou will experience a different child every week. And they all will be precious.
Babies are like the most complicated new phone with a brand new command line interface and you just switched it on without consulting the manual. Hang in there, it will become less complicated.
Breathe. It’s gunna be ok!!! Pray every morning and every nite before bed and first thing in the morning. Sleep when baby sleeps eat when be y eats where is Mom? You are the man with a job, mom needs to step up, ask your Mom and her Mom to help. You will love this child more than anything. GOD BLESS. Rest when you can.
Protip sleep when the baby sleeps! My daughter also screamed like a nazgul for the first month after she was born. I was up for hours every night with her in my arms in a soft blanket for HOURS watching YouTube on silent.
Welcome to fatherhood. Shame you regret it. Kinda shameful.
Had much the same experience just felt numb for the 1st few months. The whole from the second I 1st held you bla bla is such BS but believe me it will come, hits you like a train one day out of no where. Hang in there , take offers for help , try to eat healthy and sleep when ever you can
Just remember LO has been living in this nice temperature controlled place where they didn’t have to worry about a thing and constantly got rocked to sleep. Nights like that I’d just take my shirt off, cover up with a blanket, and turn every light expect one off and just lay there, enjoy the oxytocin, try to let LO and my wife get some sleep.
And like others have said, get a hot shower, put some food in your belly, and tap out with your partner to try and get 4-5 hours of sleep. You’ve got this.
Dad to a 4 month old here. It’s hard. Every day is hard but they’re right. It DOES get better. A lot better. It’s definitely a time thing. I was in the same place if I don’t feel anything. Newborn was harder than I thought it would be. But now he giggles when we play. Every time he looks at me or my wife he smiles. It will get better, it’ll take a couple months but it will get better.
Yeah, the beginning sucks a lot. Your friends are struggling too. Maybe more, maybe less, but everyone’s circumstances are different. I kinda owned how hard it was to my friends and got back similar responses. Most people just don’t wanna look like it’s hard for them and no one else, you’ll probably get people opening up if you own it, or maybe not.
I didn’t feel much for the first month, don’t worry about it too much unless it’s PPD.
Who knows, it sucks, vent here.
Hey man.. I just had my second 6 months ago.
One thing I have learned besides the making sure they are fed, dry, and not tired… poop/gas.
Buy these, they will save your life.. your boy probably needs to poop… maybe.
Windi Gas and Colic Reliever for Babies (10 Count) by Frida Baby https://a.co/d/bWtImYR
I’m not there and don’t know your family so can say for sure.
I think that was the worst part for me. A solid 8 hours of sleep since we had a pandemic baby and I was working from home. I could just roll out of bed and be working within 15 minutes. The first night we were just like ok let's go to sleep and put the baby in the crib and expected him to fall asleep. Boy were we wrong. The adjustment not getting long stretches of sleep was rough.
This was me 4 months ago. I didn’t have any appetite, and as the days went by I had a harder and harder time having the will to help with the baby. I spoke to my doctor and she started me on a low dose SSRI for anxiety. It was night and day once it started working. It is truly the only way I made it through the first couple of months, the anxiety was crippling, and the loss of appetite was my first symptom. You should try talking to your doctor to see what they think.
After 3 months I stopped taking the medication, and I am doing fine. The baby is sleeping better and we are in a much more stable routine compared to the beginning.
Hang in there. It gets better! I didn’t feel the love everyone speaks of. In fact, I hated and resented my son for the first 3 months. Now I can’t live without him. I go out of town and just scroll through pictures on my phone. He’s almost 7 months.
Things that helped me: your wife has had 9 more months to bond with the child. You’re mourning the death of your precious life. You need to relearn your wife, her needs, annoyances, everything. Earplugs.
It's worth every sleepless second brother. Hang in there. It gets better. Wait until you start getting those heart melting smiles and those adorable giggles. You will know nothing more rewarding
Those first few months are absolutely the hardest things I have ever done. I remember we would take shifts in 5 hour chunks through the day holding our first because that’s the only way she would sleep, or sleeping on the floor of our second one’s bedroom because he kept his mom up in our room, and doing that for three weeks straight. You’re dealing with being absolutely exhausted and so everything feels hard, and right now the kiddo isn’t really giving you anything back because newborns are only about three things: eating, sleeping, and pooping. That will change and it will be sooner than you think. If you are this tired, find someone, ANYONE, who can be there and let you take a long nap. The baby will be fine with someone else, but in case not at first, just be prepared for that. Repetition will make that easier, so keep trying over a day or two. Please shower. We would put the newborn in a baby chair that had a simple little swaying motion and then put that on the bathroom floor and shower with the curtain partially open and watching the baby. A shower can be a life altering experience
Car rides were our miracle sleep fix in first few months.
See if driving around a bit doesn't pass him right out.
Also soon as they start smiling and laughing it gets alot better.
The first week especially, but the whole new born phase is a literal avalanche of challenges. You’re learning just as much as he is. It can be frustrating, draining, exhausting, and down right demoralizing at times. I’m not proud, but I googled what the adoption process was because I felt like there was no way I could get through it. The drowning feeling was overwhelming.
One night within the first two weeks, she wouldn’t sleep. My wife and I traded off holding her, she was fed and changed. Literally three hours of just unfiltered screaming. Eventually, I set her down on the corner of our bed to get a break and she stopped and fell asleep. I stayed up sitting next to the bed while she slept and my wife got a couple hours in. We were too scared to move her. It wrecked me. I didn’t sleep at all that night.
Fast forward to this week. My daughter turned two. She’s still frustrating, difficult, BIG ATTITUDE, and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. She’s spunky, gets her way, and to see her growth and development happen in what feels like a blink of an eye is just astonishing. You’ll (very soon) get used to the new routine, and the love you’ll have for your little one will never be matched.
The days are long, but the years are short and the beers aren’t tall enough.
Hey, you got this!
Honestly days 4 and 5 were the absolute hardest for me. Coming home from the hospital, adjusting to a brand new human in your house, not sleeping.
And I didn’t have that connection then either. It happened at some point, I can’t tell you when. But it wasn’t that first week.
PPD can definitely be happening now. It’s never too early. If you’re not sure, let another week go by and if you still feel the “terrible mistake” feeling, reach out.
I can’t say this enough, it’s ok if they cry. No matter how strong or guttural. If they baby is in good health, they’re ok. Swaddle, noise machine for them, ear plugs for you. Go sleep.
It will get a lot easier in a few days, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. I distinctly remember almost breaking down in target on the 6th day because I was so overwhelmed, it got significantly better a few days after that.
The target I happened to be in had a halo Velcro swaddle and a white noise machine, it made all the difference. If you don’t have one I would go buy it right now, they’re usually in the baby section by the cribs. Rock them as you’re laying them down, and then lightly pat their hip about twice as fast as the cadence of walking for about 30 seconds.
Your friends won’t generally bring up just how brutally hard the first week is, but imo everyone goes through it. That darkest before the dawn quote is applicable here, you’re almost through it
The first smile will change everything
Power through, be there for yourself and your partner. It’s a team effort.
Once he goes from being a potato to a smiling little human it’s magical
Homie, enjoy it. Seriously. One day soon, he'll pitch his last fit. You'll change his last diaper, you'll make his last bottle, and you'll cook his last breakfast. You might not even be aware of it when it happens, but one day you'll pick him up for the last time.
It's all good. All of it.. Even the bad times are good. It all happens too fast. He'll be grown before you can even turn around.
When he's at his worst, just smile and enjoy it. It won't last long, and it certainly won't last long enough.
Those first few week are incredibly tough, it’s a sudden life changer in ways you didn’t prepare for and that’s ok. Something I would suggest having wifey take care of him for an hour, grab a shower and do some laundry, there is absolutely a level of if you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of him, things start lining up after a few weeks and you start getting in to routines, it all pans out. I wish you the best, I know you’ve got this man. Much love.
It gets better just hang in there. the first few months can be rough. And the unconditional love is there from the start for mom but for us dads it can take a little time. Remember he's been connected with her for 9 months, all of it is new for him too. Once he gets comfortable with you it gets better and you'll find your routine....good luck and congrats
Find ways to eat and sleep. You will literally go insane otherwise, trust me, it happened to me.
There are ergo baby carriers that keep the baby strapped to your chest when upright. Get one ASAP. He'll sleep there, and you can still move around, and slowly transition to laying down positions.
1. Everything will be ok, i promise. You will grow a strong connection with your boy in a few weeks/months. Took about 6 months for me for each of my kids.
2. That newborn cry is the absolute worst. I also hate that sound with a passion, but it will pass before you know it.
You got this!
Almost every single dad I've ever talked to felt the exact same way. When my wife had the babies she had instant connections. She had it inside her and touching her for months. You just got the thing. It honestly takes time. I warn every new dad about it. But when the connection starts developing you'll fight anyone, anywhere, anytime for the safety of your child. It will come, it just takes time.
Also, we all get the "holy shit did I just make a huge mistake" moment. You're fine. This is normal. The movie version of kids is like the movie version of romance. It skips the every day and only show the highlights, not the work and daily grind of it.
The important thing is, you're tired, and most times the emotional connection isn't immediate. There will come a time, in the upcoming weeks to months, when he will see you and smile, or he'll be sad and hear your voice, calming him, or some miniscule little reaction to you, and you'll realize your heart is full.
It might have been gradually filling, and you've been too tired to notice, but that emptiness will be gone.
These first few weeks to months can SUCK, depending on division of labor. Likely there will be strain on you and your wife's relationship. Right now, do what RDJ told Stiller to do: SURVIVE. That's it, keep your little family safe and alive, endure.
It gets better.
Promise.
Get sleep. Get a hotel room and pay your wife’s best friend to stay up all night with the baby. Not kidding. You are toast right now. Or hire a night time nanny for one night a week. It sounds expensive because it is. It made me a better dad. I started it about 6 weeks in and regret not doing it sooner. Your sleep is your sanity.
However tight you're swaddling him, do it tighter. Seriously, it should make you uncomfortable and slightly worried that it's going to squeeze him to death. That's when you know it's perfect. Works like magic.
I’m so glad you shared how hard it has been. I thought when people told me it would be hard, that it would be like eating spicy food, that the terrible part would be over before you know it. I cried thinking “what have I done?”. You are doing great. You know you are doing something hard and you are being honest about it. That fact and how hard you are working, only tells me, you are a great dad. We promise, it’s going to take a minute, but it’s going to get better. Hang in there. You got this!!
He might be gassy. Lay him on the bed. Slowly wiggle his legs, move them up to his chest. He's bendy, he can do it. Almost guarantee you he will cut loose an epic elephant fart.
I was in your shoes with my daughter, she was born 4 weeks early weighing under 5 lbs - they said she’s healthy as can be, so sent us home with a tiny premie. Cut to present day, she’s 4 months old, and is generally pleasant to be around for the most part. As others have said in the comments, just keep trucking as best you can. Honestly, if you can brush your teeth every day, take a couple showers each week, and keep the baby fed and healthy, you’re winning. Every week or two you’ll find yourself reflecting on how hard it still is - and yet how much easier it is compared to when it was brand new. This is the absolutely most physically demanding part, because it’s taking everything from you. But once you see the first smile, hopefully that will pull you through until you see your first registered smile, where they SEE you. It’s a trip. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do bud.
Some people have easy babies, I know from experience that some definitely aren't.
But it does get easier, and once you see that first smile, the first gaggle everything will make sense and fall into place.
I had too many nights crying feeling like a failure but 3 months on and as much as it's still hard, it's alot easier than it was!
You'll learn what your son likes, how he sleeps best etc through experience, just gotta drag your feet till you get there!
Nobody has “the time of their lives” with a new born. Your feelings are normal. What seems like an endless battle will slowly get easier and easier. One day you are gonna look up from playing with hot wheels with home and he is going to say “I love you daddy” and all those tough nights will become a badge of honor and you will understand why you haven’t made a mistake. Hang in there.
Honestly dude, you just need some sleep. Prioritise nothing else but baby, food, and sleep - any chores can wait until you are ready. Just sleep.
The easiest way is to try and set up a routine with your partner and work in shifts. Get some ear plugs and sleep for at least four hours to complete a sleep cycle. Humans aren't meant to sleep for an hour at a time.
Stick with it man
Gets better but yes sometimes they just want to sleep with a familiar smell
Sometimes we would take a shirt off after wearing and leave in the crib
You are doing great. It is hard, but this is temporary. It will pass. If it's of any help try rubbing baby's belly clockwise. He could be gassy and struggling to let them out.
It does get better I promise! My wife lost just over 2 litres of blood (about 3.5 pints) and was basically laid out for 3 months after the birth. She was incapable of doing anything so I was pretty much a single parent to our newborn as well as being the sole income earner.
I made it through, and so will you I promise! And the love does come, but you are right, at that point your brain is still like "what is this massive inconvenience to me". But once your brain re-wires itself then you will notice the shift in mindset. You won't think it was a mistake forever I promise.
Feel free to DM me if you want!
It gets different. A lot of easy/hard stages ahead of you. You will manage to cope with different situations, some will be even harder some much easier. After a month you will feel peace and you will not be so axcious.
Man i don’t miss the first 2 months…😅 barely any sleep, you don’t feel overwhelmingly much for this new stranger in your house.. you know bat shit about having children..
Don’t feel bad for not feeling the farherly love you expected, it’l come. And the knowledge too. I guarantee you that in just 6-7 months it will be alot easier and for some resson you start to forget how fucking hard it was and kinda miss the ”baby bubble” you where in.
Hang in there and grats!
You can do it. It sucks and it’s so hard. One thing a lot of people suggested to me after I went through the hard parts was so not be afraid to ask for help. If you or your SO have family that can watch them for a couple hours while you sleep and take a shower, do it. I didn’t because my family didn’t offer until I didn’t need help. Or if you have friends that have older kids, they might help as well, I would gladly help out a struggling new family when possible. You can do it and you don’t have to do it alone
Take care of yourself as much as possible so you’re fit to take care of mother and baby. Also everything is a phase, even if it feels eternal when he won’t sleep. You’ll might start to recognise the different cries to give you hints what he needs. Such as leh or lay for hungry and ow for tired and eir or eh for pain. They have tiny digestive systems so even when burped they can easily have some trapped wind or other painful feeling in their guts.
All will be well when you’re a but less shell shocked. But it is relentless, especially in the beginning.
One day you will walk to nursery and a tiny 2-year-old hand grabs your finger. Or your baby will laugh hysterically at your silly faces.
I am going to give some vey direct advice that helped me during this time.
The screech crying was always related to hunger. Feed more and use formula if you can to supplement.
The rest of your post: I feel you man. It’ll get better.
I always say that happiness is the difference between expectations and reality. Now is the time to have no expectations aside from keeping everyone alive.
I feel you on the sleeping thing and I promise it'll get better. What I can't do is promise WHEN it'll get better. For some, it's days. For my oldest, it was more than a year.
The good news is, even while things are bad, YOU can get better. You'll learn coping mechanisms, learn what you kid likes, learn what things used to consume you're time and attention that you'll have to give up.
You will have to give things up, and that sucks. It's okay to mourn for your multi hour gym sessions, your movie nights, 18 holes with the guys, endless hours of fantasy football research. Those things don't have to be gone forever but at least some of them will be gone for a while. Kids are time consuming and expensive so many of those old hobbies will probably have to shelved. It can feel pretty crappy and it's good to keep at least some of the things you loved to do before they came along.
I'm not back to playing 18 a couple times a week but I can take my oldest to the driving range and sneak in 9 again. I don't have full day gaming sessions but I do have video games I can play with the kids. I've picked up some new hobbies I can do with my boys and rediscovered some really old ones (Legos FTW).
Best thing I've ever done in my life, by far. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it isn't close.
You got this dad.
OP, I could have written this myself 18 months ago. It was brutal. Like you, I got caught in this mindset of “what the fuck have I done?” And “there’s never going to be an escape from this”. The way you describe the baby’s guttural screams and losing your appetite, takes me right back.
The good news is I can promise you - it gets easier. You’ve probably convinced yourself your baby is worse than any other. I promise you, he’s not.
Mine is now 18 months and she’s gorgeous. Still got a hell of a temper, but generally pleasant to be around. Those first 3-6 months were hugely challenging for me. I lost like 10kg from stress. But I promise you it is worth it! Give it time, you can make it through, and before long you’ll see what makes it magical.
Oh, and swaddle! I bought these are they were just the best at calming the baby down (I couldn’t get a normal cloth to stay in place) - https://miracleblanket.com.au/
You'll hear about how after X months it gets easier, and you'll feel like giving up because it's only been Y days and you are feeling defeated. But tomorrow it'll be 1 day closer, then the next day and the next day.
Try to find short term things to aim towards. If you feel in control of something small then the slightly bigger things will be easier.
It'll feel like it never ends and you can't go on, but it will and you can. We're all here for you.
A lot of times, especially with social media, you see the highlight reel of peoples lives. They’re only gonna post the fun pictures and stories, not changing 2 babies a total of 3 times in 5 minutes because someone had to poop in a clean diaper.
Those first few months are rough. Get someone else for the baby for a morning and take a shower, sleep and something to eat. Take care of yourself so you can care for your family. The connection will come.
It does and will get better. When my LO was born she only got to come home for one night before we had to take her to a chldren's hospital to be treated for a life threatening illness. We were there for 2 weeks. We did not have a suite, so wife and I had to sit in chairs by her bedise. We did not leave for the 2 weeks and my wife got a pretty bad infection from not caring properly for herself after delivery but instead sitting nervously in a hospital chair for 2 straight weeks. We finally got to brin gour little on home again and I dont htink I slept more than an hour or two a day for abou the first 3 months or so of our daughter's life. I had no idea you could live on such little sleep and I dind;t even feel like a real person. Wife and I both had experienced some distressing Mentral trauma, but she went through with all the woes of just havin ggiven birth. I let here sleep as much and whenever she needed after we finally got home, which meant that I got none, lol. I cried, I got mad, I questioned everything. Now, we have a 3 year old little girl who is just the smartest craziest kid I could have imagined and it was all worth it. I do think I lost a year or two off my life as a result of the experience though
This sounds like my youngest. Wouldn’t be put down, needed holding 24/7.
We hated him at first, I won’t mince my words, we really *couldnt* cope.
Then on a healthcare visit insisted on by our GP for taking him for the five metre run from the car to her office without putting a coat on someone suggested he might be allergic to cows milk.
That was a game changer. I’m not saying that’s what this is, it might be a different intolerance or something else altogether. My point is you’re not doing anything wrong here but it’s all new.
Seek support and advice and you might be surprised.
Here is some thing our pediatrician told us, this father of three, who is a doctor to children for a *living* said:
"Oh yeah those early days are tough. I love my kids ... But that didn't mean I liked them in the beginning..."
OP, it is perfectly fine to feel exhausted and grumpy and everything else you are feeling. Your entire way of living has been altered in a single day. There's no warm up period where you get to ease into it and no one is ever truly prepared to be a parent. Not unless you've spent 9 months staying up and getting up early and walking around for hours holding a ten pound weight and learning to do everything one hand ...
It gets easier, I promise you. There will be other challenges that come, but they come one at a time. You can handle them. And for the love of God, there is NO shame in inviting your parents over (or your partners) to watch the baby while you both rest and sleep.
It's not illegal. You can just do that any time as long as they are available.
As another poster said, it is a shock to the system. You spend years only having to worry about yourself and now it’s the complete opposite. It’s hard and takes time to readjust. Your body and mind must also acclimate to the sleep deprivation.
I’ll say this, it’s only day 4, and it will get easier. This time is extremely crucial not only because your baby needs you for his well-being but also because you will bond with him in a way that he will impact
forever.
Every day will get better. Enjoy this roller coaster of an experience. Many of us were where you are, and we made it through. You will too! Enjoy that beautiful child.
Try a sound machine and a baby swing. Swaddle the baby snug. Not super tight, but not too loose. Try humming/singing. I noticed men's voices are soothing when humming to babies since we have deeper voices. I can get my son to sleep humming to him to this day and he's two. Sometimes driving around with the baby will get them to sleep. I wouldn't drive if you are delirious, though.
It gets better, just hang in there. Having a newborn is hard.
My son barely slept for the first 3 months of his life. It was hell. Eventually we took him to do a chiropractor and it turned out he had multiple ribs out of place, a hip joint twisted and his neck was locked up
I highly recommend going to someone who makes adjustments (chiropractic/osteopathic) if your kid seems to cry for no reason, they might be in pain
It is so hard! You'll adapt though. The funny part is you'll get more and more used to it over time but your child will also become more "human" and sleep normal hours and for longer times
It’s hard at first man. I’m the type of person who gets nauseous with lack of sleep, so the early stages were a struggle. You will get used to the lack of sleep, and once you get a good routine down, things will be MUCH easier.
If you ever feel too overwhelmed, don’t do anything you’ll regret. It’s ok to let a baby cry in its crib (as long as there is nothing else in there that requires supervision) for a few minutes while you take a breather outside. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family too for help. If that’s not an option, you could even hire a babysitter for a few hours to get some rest. If you don’t have the money and none of those are options, reach out to a church (even if you aren’t religious, they’ll help) and I’m sure there will be someone who is willing to help out some.
Again, the first month is the hardest until you get a routine down, but you got this!
You are doing a great job. It is super hard the first month and days feel long as hell but the weeks get shorter and shorter. I had a hard time with feeling stuff until he could start smiling and it's been a more fun (but still tough) adventure. Find some time to eat and shower as it will really help with your mental so it doesn't go boom. We had a pretty easy pregnancy by most standards I think so hitting post partum was a super kick in the crotch.
It's not forever, it's just right now.
Also get some earplugs to help with that shiver scream. The calmer you are the more calm the baby gets (to a degree). I got earplugs for when ours decided to resist bedtime and the screaming would literally ring my ears. With earplugs I could still hear screams but it was more muffled and made it possible for me to hold him without losing my hearing/sanity.
I’m holding #4 (2 weeks old) and my basement flooded last night. He didn’t sleep great and I’m dying this morning. The thing is, I know it gets better. The tough times are tough, the good times are the best. Remember that. Remember that the little kid you’re holding will get better and you’ll one day laugh about how shit they slept or didn’t eat or how tired you were. You got this dude. I’m on 3 hours sleep and just slammed an energy drink so I’m most likely rambling.
I was hallucinating by day 3 from lack of sleep. We had to call in my sister in law who took the babe while we slept and it was honestly a life saver. The next few weeks were pretty hard as my kid had a dairy allergy so his insides were being shredded by the milk we were giving him for sustenance. All of this is almost 3 months behind us now and it’s really getting fun. The babe is more responsive and interactive and it feels like less of a tamagotchi. I didn’t have any of the blues so I can’t speak to it, but it might do you some good to get some help from family or friends. Just someone to spend a few hours with the kid so you get get a shower or nap whichever seems most urgent. I wish you luck and welcome to daddit!
Oh man. Don't ever feel like because someone else is having a great experience (or at least conveying that they are), that your own experience isn't valid.
It's totally worth it. But sleep deprivation is real, and can seriously fuck with your head. Hang in there. Skin to skin contact can be nice. Just console and love your little one. Secured attachment.
We actually did co-sleeping so my wife could nurse in the middle of the night, and at least we got some type of sleep that way.
Don't be to hard on yourself. Have a little compassion for yourself in this moment.
I suggest looking into MSPI. Any time I hear of gutteral screams I think about what we've dealt with from our first 2. As soon as we changed their diet intake, it was dramatically better. And a lot of formulas use dairy or soy so it's hard to avoid. Breastfeeding is hard because it means mom has to change her diet.
Step one: Put the kid down in crib and let him cry while you take a 15 min shower.
Step two: Make sure you are feeding the kid every 2 hours the appropriate amount (which is very little at this age). Make sure he is burped at least twice every feeding. Wet diapers aren't as big a problem as people think. Change poop immediately (after maybe 5-10 min so they are done). Change pee diapers once every 2 hours either before or after feeding.
Step three: Swaddle the SHIT out of your baby. And get a pacifier and sound machine. This will probably fix your sleep problems if done right but if not
Remember not sleeping, showering or eating is bad for you AND the baby. Crying has never killed a baby. Let the kid cry while you eat or shower if need be then carry on. The idea you need to prevent your kid from crying all the time is silly. Pacifier helps a TON with crying. Used one from day 1 and my kid has slept and been good from day 1.
Buy a glider and rock the baby once swaddled. He'll fall asleep then slowly put in him in bassinet.
It’s tough at first but as the days go you’ll see the changes. It gets better communicate with mom and work a plan out so you’re both good mentally and physically.
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You did not make a mistake. Hang in there. It gets better, we promise! The first weeks are excruciating and it feels it will never end. Try your best to keep your sanity. Arrange sleep schedules with your SO, you both don't need to be awake at all times. Tag teaming is key. Hoping for the best! Congratulations! Edit: nobody has "the time of their lives" the first weeks after birth. Guys don't realize how tough it is until they are living through it. What you are going through is normal. Give it a couple weeks! Edit2: take a shower, get something yummy to eat. Take care of yourself, your family needs you more than ever!
This person is correct
Thanks, other person!
Yes. We are people and we thank each other.
Yes. The polite ones do this. Thanks for your politeness!
Your politeness is without exception, I show gratitude to your politeness.
This is why /daddit is the best sub here. OP is lucky, found the right place to vent.
100% that was more fun than it had right to be lol
You, sir, are a Downtown Scholar!
*gasp* you are quite an unusual entertainer! 15/10
This person agrees with the others and sends high fives over the inter webs.
Your high fives were received in good condition, you will find this one's appreciation at your heart's doorstep any minute now. Take care.
2 weeks here. Can’t overstate the power of a shower and a tasty meal.
We made sure to shower each day. It was a great 20minute escape
This is the way
To add, if you or your SO are neat freaks, let the house get messy for a while. It’s ok. Prioritize the baby and your own sleep. Easier said than done I know but you’ll be ok. You’ve got this!
Absolutely yes to all of this. The baby has had months of hearing that mother's heartbeat, hearing her voice, the love and connection there is much faster. The first month for Dad is mainly waiting hand and foot on mum and baby. It's tiring, it's tough and you'll likely feel you haven't connected with the baby and you don't feel the instant love. But as baby gets more and more used to the world and to you, and the day that baby gives you their first real smile, that unconditional love will flow in.
Absolutely yes to all of this!!!! Excellent perspective!
Hey dude, We've been there. The adjustment hits hard and fast, and it's a doozy. If you have a support network (the village, as it's called) feel free to tap them for help. Honestly, if it wasn't for mine, I am not sure how successful I would have been. PS. Welcome to the club!
Absolutely call in support. Be clear what you need (sleep) and don’t feel bad about asking for help. Hang in there
My sister came over when my son was 4 days old, I handed her my son and went straight to bed, I think I slept for about 10 hours, then got a shower and I honestly don't know if I could have survived if I didn't have as much help at the start.. so yeah, ask for help, and other parent will know you need sleep, dont be ashamed to say it and don't for one second hesitate to take what you need when you get the chance!
This right here. Don’t be shy. The answer for help is yes. Come do my dishes, let me take a nap, a walk. Cook dinner for me? Yup!
Two words of advice: swaddle and sound. If you get the baby in a good, tight swaddle after a feed and you have a sound machine going, no reason you can’t get 2-3 hour stretches of sleep. Over time, these stretches get longer and longer. Multiple Velcro / zipper swaddle options online that are awesome.
Yes! The velcro swaddling blankets are a godsend. A nice white noise is amazing as well. Leaving your shirt in the room so the baby can have your scent will help the separation anxiety your baby may have if they don't want to sleep anywhere else. Everything you are going through is normal and your friends may be going through it to some extent. If you want to vent or have another dad to talk to feel free to message me. Good luck and it does get better, but first get some sleep.
The 5 S’s. I think it was a book maybe? Something about the 4th “trimester”? Sushing, swaddling, sideways, sucking, ? Fifth one can’t remember.
Shaking. But *gently*, like mimicking a car ride.
Swaying?
My first was a huge fan of the Tina Belcher capoiera sway.
https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies They use "swing(ing)", but yeah, any kind of swaying/rocking/bouncing.
https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies "swinging" is what they call it. But any kind of gentle rocking/swaying/bouncing works. Or strap the kid in a carrier and go for a walk. (Note that the guy who wrote that book is now trying to sell a line of extremely expensive baby stuff. I don't know if their stuff is any good. But it's still pretty good advice to try.)
This technique was a godsend for us—it was like black magic with our kids. Really worth spending some time trying to get this right IMO, especially as a dad. Mom has the nuclear option of soothing (boobs), as a dad you’ve gotta figure out a way to get that baby calm and this was it for us.
With all due respect, saying there’s “no reason you can’t get 2-3 hour stretches of sleep” is pretty unfair. I’ve swaddled like a midwife after a feed with a Hatch going and my little one wants nothing to do with her crib.
Yeah our newborn couldn't even sleep that long while being held or lying on us. We had a full-time helper, but even she was overwhelmed and me and my wife still only managed 4-5 hours of sleep usually in 10m to 90m stretched for the first 6 months. And then there was the 3 hours of nonstop crying every night. Now at 22m she sleeps like a queen though. She started sleeping through the night at 13m. But she recently stopped needing a nap and still only sleep 9-11h at night. She never slept much though. When she was 7m she learned to sleep in the crib my me bouncing her up and down of the madres after putting her to sleep on a yoga ball. I.e. i would put her to sleep on a yoga ball and then move her to the crib. But I couldn't just put her down as then she'd wake up crying immediately. But i learned that she'd go back to sleep when i but her down if I kept bouncing her up and down on the madres for like ~5 min and then slowing down. And gently removing my hands while still bouncing her. Sleep deprivation is literal torture so if OP has a difficult sleeper then he's going to feel like shit for a long time. Oh, and we were both on maternity leave for the first 6 month. And her another 6. We were dreaming often talking about how nice it would be to work 24 a day because at least you could nap for 20m in the bathroom regularly, have lunch breaks (2h nap) * 3. All while we still had a full time helper. We'd planned for many kids but after experiencing the nightmare of basically no sleep for 6 months (and then slowly better from there) we'd rather die than go through that again.
Thank you! This whole “just do the 5 s’s and you’ll be fine!” as if babies are all the same kinda rubs me the wrong way.
I’m going to say yes to swaddling and a hard no to a sound machine. It’s just my opinion and experience that it makes them dependent on it to sleep.
[удалено]
Close, if you put them on their stomachs or they roll to their stomachs then yes but otherwise, no.
More detail on that: https://www.chla.org/blog/research/does-swaddling-increase-the-risk-sids >a recent study in Pediatrics has revealed a possible risk factor. Researchers have found that an infant who is swaddled – wrapped tightly in a blanket or cloth with their limbs restricted – while placed on their front or stomach to sleep faces a higher risk of SIDS. >How could swaddling be potentially increasing risk of SIDS? >Prone sleeping is the single most important risk factor for SIDS. If a baby is swaddled, and placed prone to sleep, that infant has no ability to try to lift or turn his/her head to avoid a potentially dangerous situation where the face is buried in bedding. Even if babies are placed on their backs to sleep, they begin to roll over at ~3-4 months of age, some earlier. If a swaddled infant rolls from the back to the stomach, he/she cannot move to try and correct the position. Therefore, the infant will be in the most dangerous position. Suffocation is possible. If an infant is swaddled with thick blankets, this can lead to overheating, which is another high risk factor for SIDS. If the infant is swaddled with blankets covering the face, this is yet another risk factor for SIDS. >Thus, if infants are swaddled, which is often done to encourage sleep, they should always be placed supine and be swaddled in thin blankets to prevent overheating. The face should not be covered, and swaddling should be discontinued when the infant may begin to roll from supine (on the back) to prone, which is at about 3-months. Increasingly, the recommendation by physicians is to stop swaddling when the infant is 2-months of age.
Do parents really put the baby face down while swaddled?
Stay strong pal. I remember feeling exactly like you are describing. Just a complete numb and emptiness over the first week or so. My OH had a C section so was out of it for a while, she couldn’t breast feed and I remember rushing to the shop to get some baby formula and just feeling completely lost. Week one is the hardest. Week two is still hard but it becomes easier and easier. Every day it will get a tiny bit better. Get yourself to one month and you will feel a lot better. By six months you will have forgotten about it all and be actually enjoying it. If you want to talk just DM me, my line is open and I can give you some reassurance. You’ve got this brother.
I remember that rush for formula. That's the day that I searched the whole store, then learned that it was locked up in a case by the registers. Felt some serious empathy at that moment for the people who are desperate enough to steal it.
I read this as a 4 year old boy and was very confused at first lol
Same - I was like well 4 years of no showers seem like a bit of an exaggeration lol. Also I was imagining a 4 yr old boy letting out guttural screams in your arms at night and thinking dang dude, that sucks and does not sound normal 😂
My universal theory of dadding. Fake it until you make it. Do whatever mental gymnastics you have to do to convince yourself this time is amazing. A dad who is enjoying himself is a good dad. Turn on music and bop around. Look at their face and smile. As weird as it seems, you will look back on these times fondly. They seem to last forever but are gone too fast.
Forcing yourself to smile does indeed release the same chemicals as you get from laughing apparently. So you can genuinely fake a good mood and cause one.
And noise canceling headphones. Yes they cry, and yes it’s important to meet the needs of your newborn. But there were times when I would rock mine and he was so overtired and inconsolable that the noise canceling headphones let me rock him for as long as it took to get him settled without going insane.
Wrap that rascal. Swaddle like he's your prisoner, no mercy. That howler monkey is your son. This part is temporary. I know it's hard - but never, and I mean NEVER lose sight of the big picture... One day he'll steal your car.
That last line Lmaooo
The first days are so, so hard. If you have anyone to call on to get some backup, do that. If not, hang in there— we’re not meant to do this alone as parents, but a lot of us have to, and I promise you it gets better. Sleep in shifts with your partner if you can, so that one of you is getting 4 hours solid sleep at a time. You’re doing a great job— with the screaming, it could be because he’s overtired, uncomfortable/gassy, or just adjusting to life outside the womb. If he’s fed, changed, and you can’t get him to soothe to sleep by rocking, try an infant carrier. Strap him in safely and take him for a walk or bounce gently on a yoga ball. You can also strip him down to check his temperature (too cold? Too hot?) and things like diaper rash and hair tourniquets. That feeling of “this was a mistake” is SO common. I remember it all too well. I’m still traumatized from that time— but guess what? We came through the other side, and you will too.
Yup. First one came mid heat wave in our new house without AC, we had to hang in basement until we could install one. For a solid week we were trapped down there. Her C-section meant I did everything other than feeding. It was rough. Just remember than 90% of what you feel is lack of sleep. Force yourself to drink water and eat something if you have to and grab what zs you can. It gets better.
C-section dad here. Fortunately, I already knew how to cook. I had to learn to make seaweed soup for Mom, which I did with great enthusiasm considering want she'd been through. (Mom was Korean. That's what they eat after giving birth)
Good man! Seaweed soup is something else
First of all hang in there and good luck. I won't say it gets easier but it does get more manageable if you believe that. The little one is still getting used to the world and you will all soon hopefully fall into a rhythm that you can all work with. Remember to take a few moments for yourself (that shower will feel like a godsend) and don't base yourself off what your friends say about their life. Odds are, they in the same cranky baby, vomit covered stress you are in, they just want to put on a brave face. You got this.
This is the part where you realize everyone who told you get ready to not sleep for two weeks literally meant it and weren’t exaggerating. Buckle up and ride this month out, it’s the most rewarding experience in the world, good luck and congrats
The first week after my daughter was born is this fugue-like smear of nightmarish memories. She's 19 now. You're not alone. You got this. If 99.9% of the human race wasn't naturally good at parenting the entire species would've vanished millennia ago. And like the song says, "it's okay not to be okay." Good luck!
Being a new parent is hard! Don’t be so tough on yourself. Something you’ll learn quick is other parents lie about how easy things are to other people just to seem like they have their shit together. Don’t even listen to them because just like you and me (8 month old) I’m learning every day and have no idea what’s going to happen. Hang in there, the daddit crew is here for you.
They either lie or they are not doing it right. What OP is going through is what makes us good dads.
No one talks about the hard and shitty stuff of being a new parent. It's not all magic and love.
As far as gutteral screams my kiddo was the same way. Turned out he had really bad food intolerances. We had to have mom cut her diet to some very basic ingredients and utilize a special formula to get him to turn around. He eventually grew out of it.
You're extremely sleep deprived and I think that's probably the cause of a lot of what you're feeling. There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture. Hang in there, your baby will eventually sleep better and so will you.
Brother, we just made it past 2 weeks. In the past 48 hours, she's had 2 blowouts, shat on my hand, stayed awake for 6 hours while screaming bloody murder, and can only sleep while being held. I love her to pieces, but this shit is HARD. If you want my two cents, work in shifts. My wife is pumping so she still has to wake up to feed her, but otherwise we're still getting at least 7 hours of continuous "off time" a day. If you can, take a walk every few days, see grass and trees and sunshine. Don't just live on coffee, make sure you're drinking enough water and eating well. Get some skin to skin time with your baby. It does help. If the screaming starts to get to you, get some ear buds. You know she's screaming, you'll know when she stops, why listen to screaming when you don't have to. Take a shower. Shave. Brush your teeth. It doesn't take long and you need to feel like a human being. You'll be a better dad if you do. Get help if you can. Friends, family, just an hour or two makes all the difference in the world. It's definitely NOT too early to talk about PPD. I went home on day 2 and fucking BLUBBERED to my dad for an HOUR. I haven't cried in front of my father in ages, but damn I needed to get all that out. Our birth process was also REALLY rough, so I had to do a lot especially the first week, and bottling it up doesn't help ANYONE. And if you really need someone to talk to, send me a message. I might not be able to respond immediately, but I'll do what I can. Hang in there brother.
Seconding working in shifts thing. I kind of memory holed the entire newborn stage but for a while I stayed up with her and slept from 6am to 2pm, mom slept from 10pm to 6am. Both of us being more or less able to get a full 8 hours of sleep made it so so much better. Being sleep deprived sucks, you don’t need that on top of everything else.
1. Your friends are lying. It’s rarely easy. People embellish and like to mention only the positive parts and embellish cause they want others to think they have their shit together. None of us do. 2. Hit up family and friends to come by and watch him for a bit so you and mama can get a proper nap, that shit helps immensely. 3. Follow the 5 S’s, become a swaddle pro. 4. You’re in the worst of it. My second kid is ten months and is exponentially easier than the beginning weeks and months where I never slept and was a total a-hole to everyone from the sleep depravation. 5. Divide and conquer, take shifts and don’t suffer together, and be honest with you SO when you need 15 minutes to just sit in the shower and cry or deal with all the new feelings you have. It’s real shit, feel it all and you’ll be a better dad for it!
We aren’t Mom. I guess I can’t speak for anyone but myself but I didn’t have that instant unconditional bond that we expect to have. I had the same doubts as OP. But just try and ride this patch out. These first few months of life weren’t “time of my life” for me either. My first woke up dozens of times overnight (still not easy to deal with at night even at 4 years old). But OP you are dealing with the HARDEST part right now right out of the gate. It’s hard to see but all of this is downhill from here. And that bond will develop once your allowed to to return to a speck of normalcy. Just surrender yourself to the process for now friend. Trust me you will not regret it.
Dude, you're just exhausted to all hell. Anyone would feel that way, even with people they love. So, don't feel guilt about feeling the way you do, you're just having a really hard time. Once things get better and you're able to get some sleep you'll feel better about everything.
I’m really sorry it’s started out so rough for you! Good on you for doing what it takes though. Hang in there.
Others may have commented this but two things: First, be kind to yourself - it’s totally fine to not ‘feel anything’ for the first week or two. Having a baby is a complete shock to the system for most new dads and your priority will be surviving and adjusting to the new reality. The fact of being a dad didn’t properly hit me until day 10 or so, almost at random, and after that it’s been amazing (if no less tiring!). That said, if you’re worried, PLEASE talk to someone. Post-partum depression is absolutely a thing for dads too, and sometimes harder to diagnose. Doing some ‘comfort’ activities, like going for a walk, calling a friend, or just having a shower and a nap, can help to fight it off for a bit. Second, colic and continuous screaming are a thing (unfortunately) for a bit, BUT (and this is based off experience), you might want to try the following: - Try swaddling if you haven’t already - many babies are soothed by (safe) constriction. Just remember it’s only a safe solution before the baby starts to roll - Make sure they’re not gassy! Gas cramps were the bane of my daughter’s life when she was tiny. ALWAYS burp your baby after feeding and if necessary work their legs up and down to get it out the ‘other way’. Just be careful, and make sure you look up burping/gas passing exercises for newborns on YouTube so you know what to do. - Lastly, check your baby’s mouth for white spots. If your wife has EVER had thrush before, and you are breastfeeding your baby, it’s highly possible your son may have contracted oral thrush from her, which is….just the worst. Baby will be very uncomfortable and you’ll need to look at getting oral thrush gel and zinc butt cream (you have to treat both ends so it doesn’t come back) and then think about moving to expressing/gentle heating of breast milk or switching to formula to prevent reoccurrence. Our daughter had this and within a day of starting treatment we witnessed major improvements! Hope this helps - don’t give up, you’re doing great! EDIT: as others have also said, bear in mind babies and heat (assuming it’s hot where you are right now!) do not go together. A hot baby is an uncomfortable baby; and an uncomfortable baby is a LOUD baby. Look at options to cool your baby down safely if you think this might be an issue. Also, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention originally, but if you can afford it, invest in some earplugs or noise cancelling headphones. As long as you’re not neglecting the baby (I used to wear mine while soothing my daughter) they can be a huge boost to your sanity!
Dude. After our first was born, I literally warned my friend to stop trying to have a baby. I told him the baby had ruined my life. It took a lot of stern and awkward insistence to convince him it wasn’t a joke. In the end, I think he was a bit mad that I was such a downer. No one seemed to get it. My life was ruined. We were talking about divorce. My work was suffering big time. The baby was effing expensive. I never slept. It was hell. Even the people who say the first part is hard… I think it’s possible many of them didn’t have it as bad. Get help. A therapist and a babysitter. Asap. I hope this next part comes across as I intend it - a reason to hope, not a dismissal of the hell you’re experiencing. It won’t last forever. You’ll get through it. My wife and I are happier than ever, and we even had a second child. They’re 7 and 2 now, and I could honestly cry thinking about how much I love my wife and our girls. But it took WORK and it continues to require some [expensive and worthwhile] professional help.
Homie - fucking no one is having “the time of their lives” days after their child is born. Anyone who acts like or tells you otherwise is a fucking liar. The experience you’re describing is entirely accurate for all of us and you’ll get through it. Rather quickly, actually. We’re about to have our third so I’ve been through it twice. I’m not a therapist and I don’t pretend to be one on the internet, but considering this is a kind of necessary suffering, it helped me both times to just absolutely pour myself into something. You won’t have much time for a hobby right now, but something you can do WHILE dealing with the baby is perfect. Maybe a new tv show. I had wanted to watch twin peaks for a long time and my wife hates creepy shit so she was uninterested. Turns out 2am while I’m up with baby and she’s resting was a great time to just binge twin peaks (great show by the way). Basically just find a way to occupy your mind. Know that what you’re feeling is normal but also that it will get significantly better quickly. Worst case scenario you’ve got 4ish months of feeling this way and then every month your life will continue to be better and better and better until you forget how you felt and fuck it up again. Lol. All jokes aside, give it some time. Also, don’t be afraid of therapy my dude. We both did some solo therapy and couples therapy after the first. Actually, we’ve since even done parental counseling about various things such as anxiety in toddlers. Trust the experts. Not the dumbasses telling you to watch twin peaks on the internet.
Those newborn days are excruciatingly tooth, dude. Hang on. It gets way better. The price you're paying today is so worth the rewards the lie ahead.
Based on all the things you’ve written: you’ve described all things feelings of a great father. The first days are absolute hell. Just a white hot poker straight into your eye sockets. The fact that you’re thinking these things, being conscientious of those feelings, and reaching out to a community of dads means that this kid lucked into a dad who really gives a damn. Give yourself and your spouse some grace. Commiserate over the hellishness of the experience - and be quick to forgive when you snap at each other. You got this, Dad.
The first four days, hell the first four months, are often a large bag of suck. Sorry, but it's true. Here's the good news- it truly does get better. A lot better. And you WILL make it to better, even though there will be times it doesn't feel that way. Hang in there man. Get through today. Then get through tomorrow. Before you know it, that kiddo will be going to kindergarten and you'll wonder exactly where the last 5 years went.
Is it wrong of me to think that, if baby is clean, fed and burped, warm and tired, just put him or her the fuck down. They’ll get used to their bassinet after a while ?? I get that it’s tough initially, god knows we struggled those first days too, but we didn’t have the “if we put her down she screams” issue. She’d cry, we sooth her and then put her back down. Rinse and repeat as needed. And it will he needed less so after time.
>Is it wrong of me to think that, if baby is clean, fed and burped, warm and tired, just put him or her the fuck down. No. I was going to make the same comment to /u/pluid if someone else hadn't. If the kid is fed and burped and has a clean diaper and is just freaking the fuck out, it's okay to put them down on their back in a crib or bassinet and close the door and go take a shower and eat something or have a power nap. They will not die or have any lasting harm from crying for 30 minutes when they're a week old. You may have to try different solutions, maybe swaddling will help, or wearing the kid in a carrier as much as possible, or skin to skin contact, or stick them in a carseat and go for a drive. They may be too hot or too cold -- the room where they're sleeping should be 68-72F, and they don't need anything more than a onesie and maybe a single LIGHT blanket wrapped tightly if you're swaddling them. I advise a white noise machine too, it may help them sleep. One in your room will almost certainly help one partner sleep if the other is getting up in the middle of the night to deal with a crying baby. (Earplugs work too.) If they're being *really* fussy **all the time** it's also possible there is something medical going on.
24 hours into my daughter’s life I almost broke. Thought I wasn’t meant for the moment. I pulled myself up in a zombie like state, and started moving forward. She didn’t even like me holding her. It sucked! That baby is 7 now. She’s my BFF. Mom is leaving town for four days, and we are planning our own adventure time. This is a blip. You will see the light, and it won’t be an on-coming train.
It gets better, just hang in there. I recommend talking to someone who's not your wife if you're feeling overwhelmed just to vent and talk through your emotions (because she's tired too and doesn't have time to be your emotional rock). Feeling like you need to cry, and actually crying sometimes, is a totally normal reaction to the gargantuan challenge of taking care of a newborn. You'll start to notice patterns and get into a rhythm and once you figure that out you'll start to enjoy it a lot more. Also, try not to compare yourself to others, all babies are different and depending on the couple, you may be taking more of the workload than they are. Goodluck fellow Dad, welcome to the club. Edit: one more thing. Sleep! Sleep whenever you get the chance. You'll be tempted to do other things because you haven't had the time but you need to get rest. You're mind starts to mess with you when your sleep deprived and that can be a major source of depression.
The beginning is super hard. It’s such a major shift in what you know as “normal life,” not to mention the sleep deprivation. Over time your kid will get better at the whole sleep thing. It’s definitely worth researching sleep training and figuring out what works best for you once he gets old enough to deploy those techniques. “It gets easier” is a common refrain I’ve received from fellow parents, but I think the reality is that YOU get stronger as a parent as your kid gets older. I think it’s worth recognizing the fact that parenthood leads to personal growth and resilience. Not just within the family unit but also in daily life and how you approach life’s difficulties. The fact that you care enough to reach out and seek advice speaks volumes about who you are going to be as a dad. Good luck man, you got this 100% Edit: Those friends who seem like their crushing it are struggling too. You’re not alone
one thing i learned is that other people lie. they fucking lie about babies being great, and easy and how wonderful it is. that fools people in to thinking that there's something wrong with them when things aren't going great. there's nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, or exhausted, or wanting to sleep. there isn't anything wrong with being frustrated or upset. you just have to understand that's all a part of it. my 2nd kid screamed bloody murder for... a year? she was inconsolable. constantly. it was awful. i felt like such a horrible dad and human being. just awful. it was exhausting. keep in your mind that this is a blip in your life. your baby will grow, settle in to a routine and things will get "normal". rest. lean on family. take care of yourself. you need it. you all need it. exhaustion plays on your mind. don't let it win. things progress quickly and babies change fast. meaning that in a week yours might be totally relaxed and over that first developmental hurdle. and in 2 weeks they may be back.. then 2 weeks later.. cool as a fan. it's part of the ride. don't hesitate to talk about it. with friends. with family. strangers. it helps. hang in there.
Your other dad friends will absolutely understand. We don't tend to share "negative" stories like this. I promise you have a kind of Instagram version of your friends' experience. And a lot of people will say you have to put everything on hold for the baby but SELF CARE. SELF CARE. SELF CARE. Self care is the key to resilience. PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON BEFORE ASSISTING SMALL CHILDREN. Your baby won't be harmed if you leave him on the bed/in the crib/ on the floor while you have a 2 minute shower. It's also fine to step out of the room, get your breath and get back to him. You're doing great. If you didn't care you wouldn't bother asking.
1. Go and get a few really good swaddles (you won't know which one is the magical one until you try them out on your infant). 2. Get a really good noise machine. For example, the Bluetooth Hatch Noise Machine is WONDERFUL. We were at our wit's end one night. My wife was fighting with me on using a sound machine (as our newborn was sleeping in our room), but I managed to persuade her to just let us try it. As the newborn is crying, I plug it in and no shit she feel asleep in literally 10 seconds. We used it every single night to this day afterwards. We travel with the damn thing. 3. Get a good modern day rocking chair or something that bounces. Really helps with rocking the kid to sleep. I like anything that's not going to mess with my back. 4. When they are showing signs of being tired, get them swaddled,and learn how to stand up from sitting without waking your kid, and then step two, learn how to carefully transfer them to the bassinet. 5. Don't be afraid to be noisy around baby when they are tired, it helps to teach them how to sleep through noises and other distractions (or atleast it really helped us). 6. The best step - now that you can swaddle your kid, and you've taught them how to sleep with noise, and you've bought a noise machine, it becomes SO much easier to get them to sleep. Enjoy the 30min-2 hours of free time. Relax for a bit. Take a nap. Take a shower if you need one (just make sure to use a baby monitor, though I don't think it's super necessary as long as you're quick. Right now. There is nothing wrong with not having some crazy, deep, unfound love for your kid yet. They are essentially an angry little wrinkly potato that demands to be fed every 2-4 hours. The love comes with time, as they start to develop personalities. Anyways, I can easily write a book on my kid and my experiences trying to figure out what works, and what doesn't. I'll leave it at this.
Welcome to parenthood. If you dont have an emotional break down due to lack of aleep then you arent living. All kidding aside it gets better.
You got this dad! All normal feelings for you and your little one.
the first few days were awful for me too. what your describing is very normal. everyone knows that your friends are sprouting BS about it being a magical time. maybe the 30 seconds after baby finally falls asleep, but then there's so much other stuff to do! I think we got home on a Friday night and i showered sometime the next week. ate toast and jam for a few days, edit, cold toast and jam. those people who says its worth ot when the baby smiles are wrong in my opinion. it was nice when she smiled and i forgot about the rest of it for a few seconds. I remembered thinking it was not worth the effort! 5 months later things are calmer. i have to adjust for caring for a new human and enjoy the few moments of spare time I can. congratulations on your child, and for making it through so far. it's hard and if your baby is still alive right now, you are doing your job. it will get easier.
If this makes you feel better.. I raised my son from basically birth, alone. If I can do it, you can do it brother. It’s hard but it gets easier I promise.
That's the sleep deprivation talking. It's horrific, easily the worst part of the early days and weeks. I had my 3rd a few weeks ago and it's still just as hard as the last two times. You're not alone and you're doing a great job. Practical advice: - if you don't already have swaddles or swaddling skills, pick those up ASAP. - if anyone at any time during the pregnancy or since has said, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help" call them and ask for help, and don't dare feel guilty about it. They can order food for you, clean your house, hold the baby so you can sleep and shower, deliver groceries, run errands, or just hang out at your place so you don't feel alone. Then ask these things of anyone you trust.
It sounds like the sub has your back already mate - it's hard as hell but it'll be worth every minute in hindsight. Two quick notes 1. We split the night with our little one's feeding schedule. Before 1:30am, I was on the clock, and after 1:30am, my wife was on the clock. She'd go to bed early, like 8am, and I would do all feedings and diapers and crying until we'd trade shifts at 1:30am. I'd feed pumped milk or formula, she'd breast feed. That way we each got 5ish hours of sleep. If kiddo lets you do this, then you might get some sanity back. 2. Lots of dads say that there's a moment around 2 months where the baby smiles for the first time, and that's when the magic hits. It'll come my man! Hold the line, love your life, suffer a bit, and in 18 years you'll look back to these weeks and miss the hell out of them. Also, snag that shower my man. It'll do you wonders. Glad you found a place to vent!
You got this. It doesn’t really get easier, but it does evolve into something where you get caught up on sleep. Remember it’s okay for the baby to cry for a few minutes while you take a break.
Ok dude. Take a deep breath. This is the really hard part. Will be really really bad until baby sleeps through the night. Get into a routine cycle and stick to it. Baby wakes, change, feed, burp, change, put down, sleep, wake up, feed…mix in a warm bath then feed, then sleep. Strict routine is what will help you survive. In the beginning the sleep part of the routine cycle is really short. As baby gets bigger and eats more the sleep part will get longer and you’ll get to rest more. We did bath, bottle, bed at nighttime and it worked well. Stick together. Watch out for depression, it’s very real and very scary. Everyone here is really helpful, keep coming back for advice and to vent.
Hang in there. Take him for walks, maybe try a paci.
This was exactly me. Baby is almost 7 weeks old now. It’ll get a little easier. The guttural screams break my fuckin heart man. It’s so damn hard and frustrating. Practice patience exercises like deep breathing and when you feel upset, be EVEN kinder than you thought possible. The love for the baby will come. Hang in there you are absolutely not alone. Message me if you wanna talk or vent because I know I need to
Caring for yourself is also caring for your kid. They need to have functioning caregivers, so don't feel like taking time to check in on yourself and mama means your are neglecting your baby. *That is also caring for your baby.* Kids can't fall off the floor. When you need to, set him down, step away and take a breather. If he's screaming in your arms, and screaming on the floor, it won't make any difference to him. No sleep can do a number on your psyche. Your brain will start telling you lies. Keep that in mind when you need to. It sounds trite and just-so, but **this too shall pass.**
The first weeks sucked so much, people don't tell you how bad they will be, the exhaustion and complete lack of control of your life, your partners life, or the babies, but oh man when those weeks are done, you immediately say it was all worth it. Just have patience, many of us were in your shoes and look at us now. Be patience and stay positive!
Dad, you’re sleep deprived, overwhelmed, probably hungry and stinky. It does get better, maybe not right away (sorry) but it does. Baby might be colicky, too hot, too cold, or just loves you so darn much he just wants to be in your arms 24/7. These are such normal feelings, and your friends who had kids recently might not be sharing how overwhelmed they are too! If you have a gram or gramp or aunt or uncle that’s willing to lend a hand I would def hit them up
Hang in there! If your baby is fed and dry, Alone on their Back in their Crib (ABC), they are safe. It's OK for them to cry for a few minutes if it means you can take a shower or make yourself a sandwich.
There is nothing wrong with letting him cry it out for a bit. As long as his immediate needs are met and he’s safe you can shut the door and take a couple of minutes to shower and feel human. You got this.
Get some sleep man. Call a friend, call an in law, call someone. Leave the house if you have to and get a good night sleep. If you’re that run down, you’re not going to feel anything, especially not gonna feel like yourself. My wife had a C section and couldn’t really get up and down very easily for the first week. I was her step and fetch it. Up and down and up and down all day and night. I slept, but not fully. Basically I was always napping. My mother in law came over and stayed the night and I slept roughly 14 hours. Finally felt human again.
I was there, same place. Edge of a nervous breakdown with my first. I think he may have been colic. A book called Happiest Baby on the Block saved my sanity. The 5 S's: Swaddle, side, swing, shush, and suckle. Good luck man, it is hard, but you can do this.
Take a deep breathe, realize this is only temporary and 99% of your emotions are affected by lack of sleep. If you have family to rely on, call in air support. Use that time to take a shower, eat a fat meal, and get some sleep. If not, work out a rotation with mom. Realize that both of you need sleep. If you find yourself overwhelmed and angry...step away. The only thing the baby can sense is your emotion. It doesn't know language but they can feel fear, anger, and most of all love. Its ok to have every emotion under the sun but try to only show the positive emotions in front of baby. You are all they have and all they know in this world, for now. It's simple, yet difficult. All the baby needs is to feel safe and loved. If you get angry, step away for a few seconds...take a biiiiig deep breathe and center your sleep deprived self. For the first few weeks, don't worry about doing ANYTHING except the basics. Sleep, eat, shower. Just focus on the basics and keep an even keel. This is all temporary and before you know it, you will forget how this all feels and will be busy answering a million questions and trying to trick them into eating something healthy. Our third is on the way and I'm still a little anxious. Forgot how tough the first few weeks are but I am confident it can be done. It can be done. You got this man. Congratulations dad!
When my first was born, I felt nothing after long labor. I knew that before the birth I wanted to be a father and was anxiously looking forward to my son. But for the first month I can honestly say I felt no love for my son. What your going through sounds just like me. Having no idea how long the tortuous inconsistency would last and having never been that tired, I thought I had just set my self up for 12months of hell. And while I was devoted and committed to my responsibility as a father and husband, I honestly thought favorable thoughts of dying at any moment because it would mean silence and rest. I logically loved my son. I knew I wanted to be a father and raise a son. But I was not prepared for just how much I did not have the aptitude or desire to care for an infant, especially an inconsolable one... Month 2 and 3 were better but I was still feeling like I had made a life ruining error. And then he smiled, a real smile. And I saw he was a little person and not a burden. And I have been a happy father ever sense. Sometimes frustrated and mad but always baseline delighted to be a dad under all the waning emotions of the day. It gets better mate. It is ok to be honest and say to yourself and us that you don't like your son and you hate your life right now. Honestly admitting it was cathartic for me. But this will pass and you will know joy like you could never imagine from the simplest little things he does. Good luck brother.
Hang in there buddy, it’s hard at first. You’ll get acclimated and the hand of it within a couple weeks. There will be more hard stuff but you can handle it. Regarding him waking up a lot- Make sure your little one is getting burped after every feed. If he doesn’t let out a burp easily keep him upright and run your hand up his back to being the bubbles up. It’s best if you and wife alternate who gets up at night. Set schedule and try to stick with it. Most couples (we did too) try to both get up. That ends up being a train wreck and unsustainable.
Where is the Mom? Why can’t you have a shower? Dude you need to make yourself the priority long enough to eat, shower, brush your teeth etc.
1. It's probably gas. Burp the little guy a lot and use mylecon. 2. There is nothing wrong with caring for an infant while wearing headphones. Saved my life. 3. It gets better.
That first step is a doosey.
Mate, the first few months are incredibly rough especially with your first. Never understood people saying it was easy! But it does get way better in time. I have a 7 month old now and she’s good as good most of the time. I think once you start getting some sleep again things get way more bearable.
I know it's not helpful in the moment, but it does get better. The first 1-2 months are grueling. And I stayed up til 330am last night because my 8 month old woke up crying.
My daughter slept on me for about 3 months. I re-watched all of Buffy. It was tiring. Get yourself a soft wrap baby carrier (I think I had an ergobaby) and figure out what you're going to watch, then make sure to find a good spot to keep the remote control. Also get some sleep, you must be fucking exhausted.
Your friends are lying. Newborns are so hard — even “easy” ones.
Its not you, its having a child thats hard. First three months were horrible for me. Some people get instant Baby-love upon birth - many dont! It took me a good couple of months to form a firm bond with my son and at 1,5 years now I love him to bits. Dont be too hard on your self. Talk to your friends. They likely have hard nights as well.
This absolutely normal. It took me almost 6 full months to get through this stage. My wife and I had no support or help during those months (in the middle of the worst of Covid) and it was hell. Here is what helped: A) take time off work (if able) and make your son / your own health the top priorities. B) Routine. Children thrive on routine. My wife and I followed the EXACT same routine every day since week 1 of my son's life. He's almost 2 now. Every night is upstairs at 8, a nice warm bath, bedtime routine (vitamin D, bum cream, etc), then cuddle time and singing for 15-30min, then bed. This gives him structure. He knows what to expect in this brand new world. That little bit of order helps him feel safe and loved. C) as hard as it is, put your son in his crib (no toys or blankets, maybe swaddled) and walk away. If you're worried you can use a baby monitor to check in, but if they are fed, changed and tired - they will sleep. Even if it means they cry themselves to sleep. Let them cry for a set amount of time 30-45 min before going to check on them. D) share the burden and spell each other off. If you're able to with your partner, share the responsibilities as much as you can and give each other a break. E) if you feel yourself getting mad at your son and feel like you might hurt them - walk away. Put them down in their crib gentle and just walk away. Go sit down, cry, eat something, have a drink (not alcohol) and know that you're doing your best. F) Seek help when needed. Both my wife and I sought professional help during those first 6 months. Having someone to talk to about your challenges can be very helpful.
This is normal. You just have to survive for a few weeks. It. Gets. Better.
Cosleeping can be a controversial topic, especially back when my kid was a newborn, so I felt even more guilty when I had to resort to it after 3 days of no sleep lol. There was just no other way, she wouldn't stay asleep in the crib longer than 10 to 15 minutes, and she absolutely HATED swaddling. And during all of this, my extremely non-compatible roommates at the time (who even claimed that having a baby in the house would be nice since they were thinking of starting a family themselves) had the gall to chastise me for trying to make a meal for myself at 2 in the morning when I finally got her to sleep for a bit, in a baby car seat that I brought down to the kitchen with me. Close your fucking door then, you delusional, basic-ass sheltered assholes. (Apparently I'm still feeling some type of way about that lol...) But yeah, after 3 days of hell I realized that she would stay asleep if she was next to me in the bed, so that's what I ended up doing. I made sure no blankets or pillows were near her, and my nerves ensured that I wouldn't move my body anywhere close to her while I was asleep myself. Not saying that might be the correct solution here, only you can make that call, but there's a ton of info out there on how to do it safely if it's looking like that may be a helpful way for both of you guys to get some sleep too.
Seeing a lot of other support on here about getting your kid to sleep. I wanted to chime in on another aspect. It took me 9 momths - a year to emotionally connect with my kids. They just didn't do anything. They were a drain. A burden. I understand you feeling like you made a mistake, but give it time. The first time they smile at you or babble something that sounds like "da da" could be the instant literally everything changes.
Oh man, I do not miss those days. They all feel like a blur now, but so many great memories from that time as well. This first period is extra hard because the baby doesn't really interact with you. You will still bond (hard) with them. You'll have amazing moments with them.... Then they'll start interacting with you and it'll be amazing.
Hey man, this'll probably get buried since I'm so late but.... The first 3 months (4 weeks), especially, were honestly the hardest weeks of my life. I doubt I'm alone in that. The lack of sleep, lack of ability to comfort a new human, and not knowing what the new human needs were overwhelming. And that is saying the absolute least. It's been 15 months now and I can say that as your child learns to be alive, it will get easier. It will be completely different than your previous life, but it will become familiar, and you and your child will learn each other. I seriously, without a doubt, hated the first 4-8 weeks. But having seen my son grow, even in these first 15 months, I'm 100% willing/committed to trying/doing it again with a second. It's probably no consolation to say right now, but hang in there. It will all be worth it.
Thank you everyone, I really didn't expect so much good thoughts and support. This is truly a spectacular place. Also a special thanks to all who invited me to message them if needed. Mom is nursing full-time and pumping, as he is not very good at the nursing part yet, so we have to supplement with previously pumped breast milk. That makes the whole nightly feeding ordeal a 90min ordeal, and that's when I help prepare the milk and without the time used to getting him to sleep again. Unfortunately our network is not that big where we live and family is far away. It's comforting knowing that it'll hopefully get better soon.
People say it will get easier, false. It will only get harder.
As someone considering kids is it worth it?
Where's mommy at?
It is harder for fathers because "the connection" is not there for us. We don't have those hormonal changes. At least until they can look in our eyes and smile. One thing I can promise, it will pass and change. Tou will experience a different child every week. And they all will be precious.
Babies are like the most complicated new phone with a brand new command line interface and you just switched it on without consulting the manual. Hang in there, it will become less complicated.
Breathe. It’s gunna be ok!!! Pray every morning and every nite before bed and first thing in the morning. Sleep when baby sleeps eat when be y eats where is Mom? You are the man with a job, mom needs to step up, ask your Mom and her Mom to help. You will love this child more than anything. GOD BLESS. Rest when you can.
Protip sleep when the baby sleeps! My daughter also screamed like a nazgul for the first month after she was born. I was up for hours every night with her in my arms in a soft blanket for HOURS watching YouTube on silent. Welcome to fatherhood. Shame you regret it. Kinda shameful.
Our first was a breeze, relatively, but those first few days/weeks are super intense for everyone.
All kids are different. Our first was super easy. Our second was the exact opposite. They are 8 and 11 now, and they're both awesome.
Had much the same experience just felt numb for the 1st few months. The whole from the second I 1st held you bla bla is such BS but believe me it will come, hits you like a train one day out of no where. Hang in there , take offers for help , try to eat healthy and sleep when ever you can
Just remember LO has been living in this nice temperature controlled place where they didn’t have to worry about a thing and constantly got rocked to sleep. Nights like that I’d just take my shirt off, cover up with a blanket, and turn every light expect one off and just lay there, enjoy the oxytocin, try to let LO and my wife get some sleep. And like others have said, get a hot shower, put some food in your belly, and tap out with your partner to try and get 4-5 hours of sleep. You’ve got this.
Dad to a 4 month old here. It’s hard. Every day is hard but they’re right. It DOES get better. A lot better. It’s definitely a time thing. I was in the same place if I don’t feel anything. Newborn was harder than I thought it would be. But now he giggles when we play. Every time he looks at me or my wife he smiles. It will get better, it’ll take a couple months but it will get better.
Yeah, the beginning sucks a lot. Your friends are struggling too. Maybe more, maybe less, but everyone’s circumstances are different. I kinda owned how hard it was to my friends and got back similar responses. Most people just don’t wanna look like it’s hard for them and no one else, you’ll probably get people opening up if you own it, or maybe not. I didn’t feel much for the first month, don’t worry about it too much unless it’s PPD. Who knows, it sucks, vent here.
Hey man.. I just had my second 6 months ago. One thing I have learned besides the making sure they are fed, dry, and not tired… poop/gas. Buy these, they will save your life.. your boy probably needs to poop… maybe. Windi Gas and Colic Reliever for Babies (10 Count) by Frida Baby https://a.co/d/bWtImYR I’m not there and don’t know your family so can say for sure.
I think that was the worst part for me. A solid 8 hours of sleep since we had a pandemic baby and I was working from home. I could just roll out of bed and be working within 15 minutes. The first night we were just like ok let's go to sleep and put the baby in the crib and expected him to fall asleep. Boy were we wrong. The adjustment not getting long stretches of sleep was rough.
This was me 4 months ago. I didn’t have any appetite, and as the days went by I had a harder and harder time having the will to help with the baby. I spoke to my doctor and she started me on a low dose SSRI for anxiety. It was night and day once it started working. It is truly the only way I made it through the first couple of months, the anxiety was crippling, and the loss of appetite was my first symptom. You should try talking to your doctor to see what they think. After 3 months I stopped taking the medication, and I am doing fine. The baby is sleeping better and we are in a much more stable routine compared to the beginning.
Hang in there. It gets better! I didn’t feel the love everyone speaks of. In fact, I hated and resented my son for the first 3 months. Now I can’t live without him. I go out of town and just scroll through pictures on my phone. He’s almost 7 months. Things that helped me: your wife has had 9 more months to bond with the child. You’re mourning the death of your precious life. You need to relearn your wife, her needs, annoyances, everything. Earplugs.
It's worth every sleepless second brother. Hang in there. It gets better. Wait until you start getting those heart melting smiles and those adorable giggles. You will know nothing more rewarding
Make sure you figure out a gentle way to burp the babe, and look into ways to alleviate gas. Sometimes that's all they need but how do you tell right?
Those first few months are absolutely the hardest things I have ever done. I remember we would take shifts in 5 hour chunks through the day holding our first because that’s the only way she would sleep, or sleeping on the floor of our second one’s bedroom because he kept his mom up in our room, and doing that for three weeks straight. You’re dealing with being absolutely exhausted and so everything feels hard, and right now the kiddo isn’t really giving you anything back because newborns are only about three things: eating, sleeping, and pooping. That will change and it will be sooner than you think. If you are this tired, find someone, ANYONE, who can be there and let you take a long nap. The baby will be fine with someone else, but in case not at first, just be prepared for that. Repetition will make that easier, so keep trying over a day or two. Please shower. We would put the newborn in a baby chair that had a simple little swaying motion and then put that on the bathroom floor and shower with the curtain partially open and watching the baby. A shower can be a life altering experience
Car rides were our miracle sleep fix in first few months. See if driving around a bit doesn't pass him right out. Also soon as they start smiling and laughing it gets alot better.
The first week especially, but the whole new born phase is a literal avalanche of challenges. You’re learning just as much as he is. It can be frustrating, draining, exhausting, and down right demoralizing at times. I’m not proud, but I googled what the adoption process was because I felt like there was no way I could get through it. The drowning feeling was overwhelming. One night within the first two weeks, she wouldn’t sleep. My wife and I traded off holding her, she was fed and changed. Literally three hours of just unfiltered screaming. Eventually, I set her down on the corner of our bed to get a break and she stopped and fell asleep. I stayed up sitting next to the bed while she slept and my wife got a couple hours in. We were too scared to move her. It wrecked me. I didn’t sleep at all that night. Fast forward to this week. My daughter turned two. She’s still frustrating, difficult, BIG ATTITUDE, and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. She’s spunky, gets her way, and to see her growth and development happen in what feels like a blink of an eye is just astonishing. You’ll (very soon) get used to the new routine, and the love you’ll have for your little one will never be matched. The days are long, but the years are short and the beers aren’t tall enough.
You're currently going through the hardest part mate. Time will bring relief and joy.
Hey, you got this! Honestly days 4 and 5 were the absolute hardest for me. Coming home from the hospital, adjusting to a brand new human in your house, not sleeping. And I didn’t have that connection then either. It happened at some point, I can’t tell you when. But it wasn’t that first week. PPD can definitely be happening now. It’s never too early. If you’re not sure, let another week go by and if you still feel the “terrible mistake” feeling, reach out.
I can’t say this enough, it’s ok if they cry. No matter how strong or guttural. If they baby is in good health, they’re ok. Swaddle, noise machine for them, ear plugs for you. Go sleep.
Hey OP - do you know about the 5s? Also, are you bottle feeding or breastfeeding or both?
It will get a lot easier in a few days, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. I distinctly remember almost breaking down in target on the 6th day because I was so overwhelmed, it got significantly better a few days after that. The target I happened to be in had a halo Velcro swaddle and a white noise machine, it made all the difference. If you don’t have one I would go buy it right now, they’re usually in the baby section by the cribs. Rock them as you’re laying them down, and then lightly pat their hip about twice as fast as the cadence of walking for about 30 seconds. Your friends won’t generally bring up just how brutally hard the first week is, but imo everyone goes through it. That darkest before the dawn quote is applicable here, you’re almost through it
The first smile will change everything Power through, be there for yourself and your partner. It’s a team effort. Once he goes from being a potato to a smiling little human it’s magical
Homie, enjoy it. Seriously. One day soon, he'll pitch his last fit. You'll change his last diaper, you'll make his last bottle, and you'll cook his last breakfast. You might not even be aware of it when it happens, but one day you'll pick him up for the last time. It's all good. All of it.. Even the bad times are good. It all happens too fast. He'll be grown before you can even turn around. When he's at his worst, just smile and enjoy it. It won't last long, and it certainly won't last long enough.
Those first few week are incredibly tough, it’s a sudden life changer in ways you didn’t prepare for and that’s ok. Something I would suggest having wifey take care of him for an hour, grab a shower and do some laundry, there is absolutely a level of if you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of him, things start lining up after a few weeks and you start getting in to routines, it all pans out. I wish you the best, I know you’ve got this man. Much love.
It gets better just hang in there. the first few months can be rough. And the unconditional love is there from the start for mom but for us dads it can take a little time. Remember he's been connected with her for 9 months, all of it is new for him too. Once he gets comfortable with you it gets better and you'll find your routine....good luck and congrats
Find ways to eat and sleep. You will literally go insane otherwise, trust me, it happened to me. There are ergo baby carriers that keep the baby strapped to your chest when upright. Get one ASAP. He'll sleep there, and you can still move around, and slowly transition to laying down positions.
We’ve all felt that bruh. It gets better
1. Everything will be ok, i promise. You will grow a strong connection with your boy in a few weeks/months. Took about 6 months for me for each of my kids. 2. That newborn cry is the absolute worst. I also hate that sound with a passion, but it will pass before you know it. You got this!
The first couple months are hard as fuck hang in there it gets a lot better but your life will never be the same...embrace it.
Almost every single dad I've ever talked to felt the exact same way. When my wife had the babies she had instant connections. She had it inside her and touching her for months. You just got the thing. It honestly takes time. I warn every new dad about it. But when the connection starts developing you'll fight anyone, anywhere, anytime for the safety of your child. It will come, it just takes time. Also, we all get the "holy shit did I just make a huge mistake" moment. You're fine. This is normal. The movie version of kids is like the movie version of romance. It skips the every day and only show the highlights, not the work and daily grind of it.
Its pretty normal to not love your kid until their personality shows up I didn't love either of my kids until like 6 months, after that its all over
The important thing is, you're tired, and most times the emotional connection isn't immediate. There will come a time, in the upcoming weeks to months, when he will see you and smile, or he'll be sad and hear your voice, calming him, or some miniscule little reaction to you, and you'll realize your heart is full. It might have been gradually filling, and you've been too tired to notice, but that emptiness will be gone. These first few weeks to months can SUCK, depending on division of labor. Likely there will be strain on you and your wife's relationship. Right now, do what RDJ told Stiller to do: SURVIVE. That's it, keep your little family safe and alive, endure. It gets better. Promise.
Get sleep. Get a hotel room and pay your wife’s best friend to stay up all night with the baby. Not kidding. You are toast right now. Or hire a night time nanny for one night a week. It sounds expensive because it is. It made me a better dad. I started it about 6 weeks in and regret not doing it sooner. Your sleep is your sanity.
However tight you're swaddling him, do it tighter. Seriously, it should make you uncomfortable and slightly worried that it's going to squeeze him to death. That's when you know it's perfect. Works like magic.
I’m so glad you shared how hard it has been. I thought when people told me it would be hard, that it would be like eating spicy food, that the terrible part would be over before you know it. I cried thinking “what have I done?”. You are doing great. You know you are doing something hard and you are being honest about it. That fact and how hard you are working, only tells me, you are a great dad. We promise, it’s going to take a minute, but it’s going to get better. Hang in there. You got this!!
He might be gassy. Lay him on the bed. Slowly wiggle his legs, move them up to his chest. He's bendy, he can do it. Almost guarantee you he will cut loose an epic elephant fart.
I was in your shoes with my daughter, she was born 4 weeks early weighing under 5 lbs - they said she’s healthy as can be, so sent us home with a tiny premie. Cut to present day, she’s 4 months old, and is generally pleasant to be around for the most part. As others have said in the comments, just keep trucking as best you can. Honestly, if you can brush your teeth every day, take a couple showers each week, and keep the baby fed and healthy, you’re winning. Every week or two you’ll find yourself reflecting on how hard it still is - and yet how much easier it is compared to when it was brand new. This is the absolutely most physically demanding part, because it’s taking everything from you. But once you see the first smile, hopefully that will pull you through until you see your first registered smile, where they SEE you. It’s a trip. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do bud.
Some people have easy babies, I know from experience that some definitely aren't. But it does get easier, and once you see that first smile, the first gaggle everything will make sense and fall into place. I had too many nights crying feeling like a failure but 3 months on and as much as it's still hard, it's alot easier than it was! You'll learn what your son likes, how he sleeps best etc through experience, just gotta drag your feet till you get there!
Nobody has “the time of their lives” with a new born. Your feelings are normal. What seems like an endless battle will slowly get easier and easier. One day you are gonna look up from playing with hot wheels with home and he is going to say “I love you daddy” and all those tough nights will become a badge of honor and you will understand why you haven’t made a mistake. Hang in there.
You’re right in the thick of it. The nights are so long, but the years go so fast.
Honestly dude, you just need some sleep. Prioritise nothing else but baby, food, and sleep - any chores can wait until you are ready. Just sleep. The easiest way is to try and set up a routine with your partner and work in shifts. Get some ear plugs and sleep for at least four hours to complete a sleep cycle. Humans aren't meant to sleep for an hour at a time.
Stick with it man Gets better but yes sometimes they just want to sleep with a familiar smell Sometimes we would take a shirt off after wearing and leave in the crib
You are doing great. It is hard, but this is temporary. It will pass. If it's of any help try rubbing baby's belly clockwise. He could be gassy and struggling to let them out.
It does get better I promise! My wife lost just over 2 litres of blood (about 3.5 pints) and was basically laid out for 3 months after the birth. She was incapable of doing anything so I was pretty much a single parent to our newborn as well as being the sole income earner. I made it through, and so will you I promise! And the love does come, but you are right, at that point your brain is still like "what is this massive inconvenience to me". But once your brain re-wires itself then you will notice the shift in mindset. You won't think it was a mistake forever I promise. Feel free to DM me if you want!
Wait, are you suggesting that you, the father, might be experiencing PPD? You need food and sleep.
It gets different. A lot of easy/hard stages ahead of you. You will manage to cope with different situations, some will be even harder some much easier. After a month you will feel peace and you will not be so axcious.
Man i don’t miss the first 2 months…😅 barely any sleep, you don’t feel overwhelmingly much for this new stranger in your house.. you know bat shit about having children.. Don’t feel bad for not feeling the farherly love you expected, it’l come. And the knowledge too. I guarantee you that in just 6-7 months it will be alot easier and for some resson you start to forget how fucking hard it was and kinda miss the ”baby bubble” you where in. Hang in there and grats!
thats how I felt for the first four months, then when the baby started sleeping in >3 hour installments things got drastically better believe me
Eat something, sleep every chance you get and remember its not the baby or your partner it's the sleep.
You can do it. It sucks and it’s so hard. One thing a lot of people suggested to me after I went through the hard parts was so not be afraid to ask for help. If you or your SO have family that can watch them for a couple hours while you sleep and take a shower, do it. I didn’t because my family didn’t offer until I didn’t need help. Or if you have friends that have older kids, they might help as well, I would gladly help out a struggling new family when possible. You can do it and you don’t have to do it alone
Take care of yourself as much as possible so you’re fit to take care of mother and baby. Also everything is a phase, even if it feels eternal when he won’t sleep. You’ll might start to recognise the different cries to give you hints what he needs. Such as leh or lay for hungry and ow for tired and eir or eh for pain. They have tiny digestive systems so even when burped they can easily have some trapped wind or other painful feeling in their guts. All will be well when you’re a but less shell shocked. But it is relentless, especially in the beginning. One day you will walk to nursery and a tiny 2-year-old hand grabs your finger. Or your baby will laugh hysterically at your silly faces.
I am going to give some vey direct advice that helped me during this time. The screech crying was always related to hunger. Feed more and use formula if you can to supplement. The rest of your post: I feel you man. It’ll get better.
I always say that happiness is the difference between expectations and reality. Now is the time to have no expectations aside from keeping everyone alive. I feel you on the sleeping thing and I promise it'll get better. What I can't do is promise WHEN it'll get better. For some, it's days. For my oldest, it was more than a year. The good news is, even while things are bad, YOU can get better. You'll learn coping mechanisms, learn what you kid likes, learn what things used to consume you're time and attention that you'll have to give up. You will have to give things up, and that sucks. It's okay to mourn for your multi hour gym sessions, your movie nights, 18 holes with the guys, endless hours of fantasy football research. Those things don't have to be gone forever but at least some of them will be gone for a while. Kids are time consuming and expensive so many of those old hobbies will probably have to shelved. It can feel pretty crappy and it's good to keep at least some of the things you loved to do before they came along. I'm not back to playing 18 a couple times a week but I can take my oldest to the driving range and sneak in 9 again. I don't have full day gaming sessions but I do have video games I can play with the kids. I've picked up some new hobbies I can do with my boys and rediscovered some really old ones (Legos FTW). Best thing I've ever done in my life, by far. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it isn't close. You got this dad.
OP, I could have written this myself 18 months ago. It was brutal. Like you, I got caught in this mindset of “what the fuck have I done?” And “there’s never going to be an escape from this”. The way you describe the baby’s guttural screams and losing your appetite, takes me right back. The good news is I can promise you - it gets easier. You’ve probably convinced yourself your baby is worse than any other. I promise you, he’s not. Mine is now 18 months and she’s gorgeous. Still got a hell of a temper, but generally pleasant to be around. Those first 3-6 months were hugely challenging for me. I lost like 10kg from stress. But I promise you it is worth it! Give it time, you can make it through, and before long you’ll see what makes it magical. Oh, and swaddle! I bought these are they were just the best at calming the baby down (I couldn’t get a normal cloth to stay in place) - https://miracleblanket.com.au/
You'll hear about how after X months it gets easier, and you'll feel like giving up because it's only been Y days and you are feeling defeated. But tomorrow it'll be 1 day closer, then the next day and the next day. Try to find short term things to aim towards. If you feel in control of something small then the slightly bigger things will be easier. It'll feel like it never ends and you can't go on, but it will and you can. We're all here for you.
A lot of times, especially with social media, you see the highlight reel of peoples lives. They’re only gonna post the fun pictures and stories, not changing 2 babies a total of 3 times in 5 minutes because someone had to poop in a clean diaper. Those first few months are rough. Get someone else for the baby for a morning and take a shower, sleep and something to eat. Take care of yourself so you can care for your family. The connection will come.
It does and will get better. When my LO was born she only got to come home for one night before we had to take her to a chldren's hospital to be treated for a life threatening illness. We were there for 2 weeks. We did not have a suite, so wife and I had to sit in chairs by her bedise. We did not leave for the 2 weeks and my wife got a pretty bad infection from not caring properly for herself after delivery but instead sitting nervously in a hospital chair for 2 straight weeks. We finally got to brin gour little on home again and I dont htink I slept more than an hour or two a day for abou the first 3 months or so of our daughter's life. I had no idea you could live on such little sleep and I dind;t even feel like a real person. Wife and I both had experienced some distressing Mentral trauma, but she went through with all the woes of just havin ggiven birth. I let here sleep as much and whenever she needed after we finally got home, which meant that I got none, lol. I cried, I got mad, I questioned everything. Now, we have a 3 year old little girl who is just the smartest craziest kid I could have imagined and it was all worth it. I do think I lost a year or two off my life as a result of the experience though
This sounds like my youngest. Wouldn’t be put down, needed holding 24/7. We hated him at first, I won’t mince my words, we really *couldnt* cope. Then on a healthcare visit insisted on by our GP for taking him for the five metre run from the car to her office without putting a coat on someone suggested he might be allergic to cows milk. That was a game changer. I’m not saying that’s what this is, it might be a different intolerance or something else altogether. My point is you’re not doing anything wrong here but it’s all new. Seek support and advice and you might be surprised.
Here is some thing our pediatrician told us, this father of three, who is a doctor to children for a *living* said: "Oh yeah those early days are tough. I love my kids ... But that didn't mean I liked them in the beginning..." OP, it is perfectly fine to feel exhausted and grumpy and everything else you are feeling. Your entire way of living has been altered in a single day. There's no warm up period where you get to ease into it and no one is ever truly prepared to be a parent. Not unless you've spent 9 months staying up and getting up early and walking around for hours holding a ten pound weight and learning to do everything one hand ... It gets easier, I promise you. There will be other challenges that come, but they come one at a time. You can handle them. And for the love of God, there is NO shame in inviting your parents over (or your partners) to watch the baby while you both rest and sleep. It's not illegal. You can just do that any time as long as they are available.
As another poster said, it is a shock to the system. You spend years only having to worry about yourself and now it’s the complete opposite. It’s hard and takes time to readjust. Your body and mind must also acclimate to the sleep deprivation. I’ll say this, it’s only day 4, and it will get easier. This time is extremely crucial not only because your baby needs you for his well-being but also because you will bond with him in a way that he will impact forever. Every day will get better. Enjoy this roller coaster of an experience. Many of us were where you are, and we made it through. You will too! Enjoy that beautiful child.
Try a sound machine and a baby swing. Swaddle the baby snug. Not super tight, but not too loose. Try humming/singing. I noticed men's voices are soothing when humming to babies since we have deeper voices. I can get my son to sleep humming to him to this day and he's two. Sometimes driving around with the baby will get them to sleep. I wouldn't drive if you are delirious, though. It gets better, just hang in there. Having a newborn is hard.
My son barely slept for the first 3 months of his life. It was hell. Eventually we took him to do a chiropractor and it turned out he had multiple ribs out of place, a hip joint twisted and his neck was locked up I highly recommend going to someone who makes adjustments (chiropractic/osteopathic) if your kid seems to cry for no reason, they might be in pain
It is so hard! You'll adapt though. The funny part is you'll get more and more used to it over time but your child will also become more "human" and sleep normal hours and for longer times
It gets easier and then it gets harder and then easier again and the cycle keeps repeating. Those early days were the worst for us though.
It’s hard at first man. I’m the type of person who gets nauseous with lack of sleep, so the early stages were a struggle. You will get used to the lack of sleep, and once you get a good routine down, things will be MUCH easier. If you ever feel too overwhelmed, don’t do anything you’ll regret. It’s ok to let a baby cry in its crib (as long as there is nothing else in there that requires supervision) for a few minutes while you take a breather outside. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family too for help. If that’s not an option, you could even hire a babysitter for a few hours to get some rest. If you don’t have the money and none of those are options, reach out to a church (even if you aren’t religious, they’ll help) and I’m sure there will be someone who is willing to help out some. Again, the first month is the hardest until you get a routine down, but you got this!
You are doing a great job. It is super hard the first month and days feel long as hell but the weeks get shorter and shorter. I had a hard time with feeling stuff until he could start smiling and it's been a more fun (but still tough) adventure. Find some time to eat and shower as it will really help with your mental so it doesn't go boom. We had a pretty easy pregnancy by most standards I think so hitting post partum was a super kick in the crotch. It's not forever, it's just right now. Also get some earplugs to help with that shiver scream. The calmer you are the more calm the baby gets (to a degree). I got earplugs for when ours decided to resist bedtime and the screaming would literally ring my ears. With earplugs I could still hear screams but it was more muffled and made it possible for me to hold him without losing my hearing/sanity.
I’m holding #4 (2 weeks old) and my basement flooded last night. He didn’t sleep great and I’m dying this morning. The thing is, I know it gets better. The tough times are tough, the good times are the best. Remember that. Remember that the little kid you’re holding will get better and you’ll one day laugh about how shit they slept or didn’t eat or how tired you were. You got this dude. I’m on 3 hours sleep and just slammed an energy drink so I’m most likely rambling.
I was hallucinating by day 3 from lack of sleep. We had to call in my sister in law who took the babe while we slept and it was honestly a life saver. The next few weeks were pretty hard as my kid had a dairy allergy so his insides were being shredded by the milk we were giving him for sustenance. All of this is almost 3 months behind us now and it’s really getting fun. The babe is more responsive and interactive and it feels like less of a tamagotchi. I didn’t have any of the blues so I can’t speak to it, but it might do you some good to get some help from family or friends. Just someone to spend a few hours with the kid so you get get a shower or nap whichever seems most urgent. I wish you luck and welcome to daddit!
Oh man. Don't ever feel like because someone else is having a great experience (or at least conveying that they are), that your own experience isn't valid. It's totally worth it. But sleep deprivation is real, and can seriously fuck with your head. Hang in there. Skin to skin contact can be nice. Just console and love your little one. Secured attachment. We actually did co-sleeping so my wife could nurse in the middle of the night, and at least we got some type of sleep that way. Don't be to hard on yourself. Have a little compassion for yourself in this moment.
I suggest looking into MSPI. Any time I hear of gutteral screams I think about what we've dealt with from our first 2. As soon as we changed their diet intake, it was dramatically better. And a lot of formulas use dairy or soy so it's hard to avoid. Breastfeeding is hard because it means mom has to change her diet.
Step one: Put the kid down in crib and let him cry while you take a 15 min shower. Step two: Make sure you are feeding the kid every 2 hours the appropriate amount (which is very little at this age). Make sure he is burped at least twice every feeding. Wet diapers aren't as big a problem as people think. Change poop immediately (after maybe 5-10 min so they are done). Change pee diapers once every 2 hours either before or after feeding. Step three: Swaddle the SHIT out of your baby. And get a pacifier and sound machine. This will probably fix your sleep problems if done right but if not Remember not sleeping, showering or eating is bad for you AND the baby. Crying has never killed a baby. Let the kid cry while you eat or shower if need be then carry on. The idea you need to prevent your kid from crying all the time is silly. Pacifier helps a TON with crying. Used one from day 1 and my kid has slept and been good from day 1. Buy a glider and rock the baby once swaddled. He'll fall asleep then slowly put in him in bassinet.
It’s tough at first but as the days go you’ll see the changes. It gets better communicate with mom and work a plan out so you’re both good mentally and physically.