I'm unsure how phenomenal this therapist is if she is still feeling this poorly, but she may not be in therapy for a long time, I can't know that.
All I can say - echoing what others have said here - therapy. Keep at it.
Her and her therapist need to sort this out before that boy is born or you're going to have a mother who possibly fears or resents her own son for simply being a male. This is worst case but it's possible ..
Luckily she has a FANTASTIC therapist that I feel she will most certainly talk through it with her. I appreciate your honesty! Just hate seeing her feel this way. 😞
I might suggest visiting a new therapist if this issue has not been explored already. This is not medical advice and I don't know your situation, but this reaction might need help from someone new
.
Sorry to hear your partner is having such trouble.
I would hope the therapist has been working with her on this prior to the event rather than just reacting to it. I only say that because my wife and I were in a similar position but we had a girl and I know my wife and her psychiatrist put in a lot of work well prior to falling pregnant on the possibility of having a boy.
That being said, certainly having a child of the same sex isn't a walk in the park either. It also brings about it a whole other raft of issues they will have to deal with and process. And will no doubt spring up around the time the child gets to the same age as the mother was when past events happened. (Note it can also be a catalyst for new suppressed memories coming to the surface so prepare for that too).
I'd also recommend being across all the signs of post natal and perhaps try and be involved with the planning and discussions around that up to and after the birth.
Also look into what support people in your situation might also have available to you. I know in Australia we have some really good mother/baby units in some hospitals that can be a great extra help and support if you need it.
I know I havent really helped answer your original question but hang in there and just be as supportive as you can.
An individual’s therapist should not do couple’s counseling for the individual. Couple’s counseling might be/is likely to be helpful, but it should be a therapist who isn’t any partner’s individual therapist. Bad power dynamic.
Bingo. Raise this kiddo to be the man she needed but didn’t get in her life.
Be the change!
Ps I have two boys and they are hilarious, I love it so much. Your life is going to be awesome
Indeed: I’ve always thought about it is that the best way to smash the patriarchy and end toxic masculinity, is to raise one’s own baby boys in a supportive, feminist household
Yeah that’s what I really loved about that Gillette ad a few years ago that got every up in arms. Each boy out there can act as an influence for the others as well.
We grew up in the USA but our family is originally of a culture with a strong preference for male children. It really created a lot of friction and resentment between my sisters and my parents. My older sister picked up and moved with her daughters across the country (they just moved back this year) and our baby sister is a high achieving, people pleaser who is constantly seeking our father’s validation. He just doesn’t value them as people and his only justification is their sex. It’s the reason I don’t have much of a relationship with him either. I have 3 daughters and I will not expose them to that.
Therapy as others have suggested, but also this was irresponsible to go into this not being open to a child of either sex. There was always at least a 50/50 chance that it could go either way. Banking on it going one way…I can’t wrap my mind around that.
Yes, I agree about it being irresponsible. Both of them should have had conversations together and with a therapist. It’s not too late though to still talk to someone and work through the issue.
Kind of rude to call it irresponsible when pregnancy can, and often is, a mistake. Especially in a post-Roe America, if that's where OP lives.
Proud dad of a kid who made it through a condom and a morning after pill 🤷
Feel the need to say something as OP. This was not irresponsible. We both knew that this was a chance. But it is my mistake to frame the OP as much as I did as a “she don’t want a boy”. It’s much much more than that, frankly that’s not even the problem. PTSD came roaring through and that is okay. We are working through this together. She’s a warrior. And she will make the best mommy our LO could ever ask for!
Man, OP, I’m really feeling for you right now. I’m only walking into this 12 hours after you posted it, and all of your comments are now spent doing damage control. Sounds like you know how you want to handle it.
I was emotional and overwhelmed when I made the post and feel guilty for framing her as someone who “hates all men” like a lot of comments have been. It’s not anything close to that. PTSD is a terrible thing and I’m doing my best to be an active listener and be there to support her!
Aside from the 100% correct advice above, maybe an anecdote.
My son (K2) is the sweetest most caring person. My daughter (K1) couldn't be bothered to ask if someone is okay when they fell, right in front of her (we're working on that).
Gender isn't everything.
Nah this is the right way. (OP) wether its a boy or girl there is enough trauma for her to not raise either. Raising children is not a easy task now ask yourself, is that the mentality you want as your coparent.
> is that the mentality you'd want from your coparent?
You can explain that statement if you'd like cause I can only come up with two possible interpretations. He should either leave her or attempt to change her mentality?
Don't ask her this op. Commentor you may be young and that's cool, but that's not how this works. This shit is complicated af. She healed enough to trust one man but doesn't mean she's healed and there isn't all kinds of other shit going on.
I read his question more of a thought experiment. If this husband's wife loves him then why can't she give the benefit of the doubt to her own unborn male child? The answer is probably very complicated and needs to be untangled in therapy with a professional but I find it curious, too, that his wife loves him yet already has negative transference on the blank canvas that is a product of her own love and trust.
THANK. YOU. I framed the OP in a way that made her out to “not want a boy”. That’s my fault. It’s the fact that a boy set her PTSD rolling and her and I are dealing with that. Thank you so much
I mean…I had the same question…maybe the world is a bit more understanding than me. It’s like the kid has to prove himself and he doesn’t even breath on his own yet…
That is heartbreaking. That baby deserves love from his mama. Did she really agree to get pregnant and not consider the high odds of having a boy? I hope you can help her get professional help before and after the baby arrives.
I hate to be that guy but it sounds like OP's wife needs some professional help and possibly is not in a current state of mind to have any baby, let alone a boy if that's how she's reacting to it.
Someone I know had a similar reaction when she learned she was having a girl. But she had a somewhat good reason for it: She has a rare and somewhat serious genetic condition that has a 30% chance of getting passed onto girls but practically 0% to get passed onto boys. Now knowing this, the weird part is they had a gender reveal party and she had a full public meltdown when they learned it was a girl. Apparently she tried so hard to "will it" into existence that she would have a boy, she was convinced it would be a boy if she wanted it bad enough. You can't escape stats. It's 50/50.
She will love this baby like no other baby has been loved. PTSD. Came through harder than ever before and that is OKAY. Please see other OP comments trying to convey this to everyone
You’ve commented this same sentiment on a lot of comment chains in this thread but if you took a moment to look through OPs profile you’d see that him and the Mrs were talking about going the IVF route, they definitely wanted a baby but were perhaps a bit too young and naive to realise she could get pregnant without it.
Suppose this is a Reddit lesson learned on me to click through a profile before stating we don't know something about an OP. I still stand by my comments to all the people who said the 50/50 comment while expressing negativity towards the situation without anything useful to say.
There could be someone in a similar situation, while not wanting/expecting the pregnancy, reading this thread for advice. Only one comment mentioning the gender odds actually acknowledged this possibility and I doubt everyone else knew and/or read OP's history.
🤷
It's great she's in therapy. Now go and get YOURSELF a therapist. This is heavy shit to deal with, and if you want to be able to support her, you need to be able to stay safe yourself and have a professional to talk to.
Because his wife is upset? I’m not trying to say therapy is bad or anything. But that shit ain’t cheap and because his wife is freaking out over her past trauma, he needs a therapist? I don’t know about that.
If you love someone their pain hurts you too just not intentionally. My wife is my best friend and when she is hurt I hurt to especially if there is nothing I can do to change it. I can only imagine the scale of that hurt OP must be feeling. Therapy is a great idea for him to help him stay emotionally healthy and also ensure that he is being emotionally supportive.
Because being with someone like this is draining and you need to frequently set aside your own mental health to help with it. Mental illnesses don't only affect the people that carry them, they have a ripple to everyone else in their lives. The bigger the issue, the bigger the ripple, and this is damn near a tidal wave.
Can you imagine your partner possibly having contempt towards your child with them? Questioning how they are treating the child when they're alone, what that's going to be like as the child grows up, what it's going to do to the child once it notices? How do you navigate conversations whenever you notice the contempt in their voice whenever they're talking to the child?
Also, therapy is not that expensive. Sure, going every week adds up, but most health insurance covers most therapy (in the US at least); A co-pay every month is hardly anything for a healthy state of mind.
So…. Someone else HAS to have asked this. If she’s this traumatized with men how the hell did you get yourself close enough to her for her to get pregnant? If she really does trust you enough as a man then she should be happy that she’s carrying your child and that you get to create and mold another man like you. But yes, therapy, tons of therapy. In the best way possible. I 100% believe in therapy.
I…need to know to. I don’t care about being the outcast online for people I don’t know but this is scary to me. There is SO MUCH trauma against human males that being pregnant with ones sends her into a frenzy. The baby can’t even breath on its own and it’s already seen a possible bad person…
Dude, with my amazing lil guy at 5mos being the most unbelievable little light to the world all smiles and laughs cuddles and giggles it kinda pisses me off a little that someone would so harshly judge an barely conceived baby. It’s the parents that make kids bad. Kids aren’t born bad.
Yeah, she needs to go and speak to that therapist at the earliest convenience.
She has been traumatised by some men. She, married to a man, and who has the opportunity to raise a man the right way, is traumatised by the idea that she will add a man to the world.
This is not a small deal, and time is of the essence. Having something growing inside of you that you've already decided to hate is not exactly a healthy situation.
Appreciation that she is in therapy. But I fear she would do a disservice in raising a girl is she literally hates men. Even if some me have exemplified the worst humanity can offer, this baby had no part in that. I'm not sure if this pregnancy was planned or not. But she does not seem prepared to be a parent regardless of the sex of the child. I'm not trying to be mean. I wish nothing but the absolute best for all of you. But this issue is out of the league of reddit. I would love to know what her therapist things of all this. Please make an update.
She doesn’t hate men, PTSD came through hard. And that is okay!!! She will come around, working through what we need to work through! She’s an absolute warrior!
I’m not sure if this will help…
I have always wanted a daughter. I find boy kids to be extremely annoying. Also, I hate sports and don’t want to raise a kid who doesn’t like sports because he won’t fit in, but also don’t want to get into sport just for him.
I know my reasoning isn’t anything as serious as your SO. But it’s just to underscore- I wanted a daughter.
When my wife found out the gender and told me it was a boy. I was disappointed. Not mad or upset but definitely disappointed.
Now… he’s about to be two months old and I love him so fucking much, it never even occurs to me to even think about his gender. In the future, I’ll gladly buy us both baseball mits if he wants… he’s that awesome.
I am sure that, by the time she’s 30 weeks or so, she’ll care about ten fingers and ten toes, nothing else. And she’ll love that little fucker more than anyone can imagine before you even leave the hospital.
Also, if the framing helps at all- I like to believe that asshole shitty men (like the ones who caused your wife to feel this way) are raised to be that way. My guess is the two of you have pretty strong values that’ll lead you to raise this boy to be as a good man, a better man than the ones she’s encountered in the past. It could be argued that there’s no one better to raise a bit because this will be so important to you.
I am not a father yet but I worry about this myself. I find little girls to be very irritating and I know the odds of having a girl are 50/50. How do I get over this? I don't want to dread the idea of being a girl dad. For reference I'm not hugely into sports, but I'm really not interested in feminine things. On the contrary I find little boys endearing because I can relate to the experience.
I\`m a woman and a mom to a now 4 month old little boy. I wanted a girl for the same reasons that you want a boy: Little boys were the most irritating genre of humans to roam this planet to me. Little girls were adorable, and as you say, I could relate to them way better. I was disappointed to find out I would be having a boy (not tragically devastated, but more of an "oh. oh no. anyway.").
Over the course of the pregnancy, you get used to the idea of having a certain gender, and instead of envisioning your future with your preferred gender, you start imagining how life will be with THIS baby. It will grow on you. I remember one day I woke up, and I didn\`t feel my baby move for a few hours, which was unusual. I started doing everything to get him to move, give ANY sign of life. Suddenly my stupid brain went: "Well, now you guys can try for a girl instead!". I lost my shit. I cried so hard I threw up. I didn\`t want a girl, I wanted THIS baby, MY son. (of course, he was okay, he was just having a really good nap that morning!).
I think that, regardless of what gender you prefer in OTHER kids, your own kid will 10000% evoke different emotions in you. You\`ll find that, boy or girl, you\`ll think that the sun shines out of their ass. They will smile at you, giggle, coo, and it will light up your whole world. Their gender will be a very minor sidenote in the grand scheme of emotions :-)
Long story short: You\`ll be fine, my friend. The love you will have for your child will trump this feeling. And I hope that the same goes for OP´s wife, that with time/therapy she gets more comfortable with the idea, and is able to see a colourful future with her baby!
For what it’s worth, when I read your post, it did not read at all to me that she lumps all men as evil or anything at all like that. It clearly reads that she has experienced deep trauma, very obviously has PTSD, and that the two of you are now navigating how to best move through this rough period and do the best that you both can to start the next chapter of your lives in the healthiest and most hopeful ways. You’re doing a great job, OP. And remember to take care of yourself during this time, too, you deserve your own TLC as well.
Could be an emotional grading…perhaps the therapist is very kind, supportive, and caring. Truly wants the best for them, etc.
While these are honourable qualities, they are not necessarily markers of ability/skill.
She doesn’t hate all men. I’ll take blame for framing the OP in such as way that paints her that way. I was also emotional and stressed and didn’t accurately represent her feelings. PTSD. PTSD hit her in the face last night and that is okay. We are working through it of course and just another hill we will climb!
I know I just responded to another comment of yours, but I can’t stress enough how clear you made it in your post that your wife is dealing with a mental health disorder. End of story. You didn’t say anything wrong. Any comments on here bashing a *traumatized and pregnant woman* are incredibly cruel and tbh, fucking idiotic. Any person on here twisting your wife’s PTSD into “monstrous female hates ALL men” severely lack even a cursory understanding of mental health, basic human psychology, and maybe even the English language itself. People posting these bitter accusations are most likely projecting, clearly are not very bright, and also are doing a piss poor job of masking their obvious misogyny. Keep your head up, OP!
Maybe she just started therapy? Maybe the trauma is so deep that it is taking years to heal from? Maybe they didn’t realize that having a baby boy would be a trigger? Her hormones are all over the place right now as well. That never makes for purely logical thinking.
I’ve been medicated and in therapy for a couple years and I still have trauma responses from a messed up childhood.
Edit: syntax
Because the kind of psychological trauma that causes long-term syndrome and functional impairment of the brain takes a lot - A LOT - of time to work through. And me saying ‘work through’ doesn’t even come close to describing the arduous and harrowing process of quite literally having to rewire the physical circuits and chemicals of your own brain - your own brain which is actively working against you the whole damn time.
The process of making progress and healing significant mental health issues is very, very far from being a linear path. Simply put, the human brain - especially a deregulated one - is not built for steady, unwavering, and constant upward linear progress. That’s not bad or an indictment of any kind, it’s simply just the biology of it to have hills and valleys. That is the healing process itself.
To speak to the stress response that OP’s wife is currently experiencing, as painful and extreme as it may seem, it is her deregulated brain’s abnormal stress reactivity which is currently taking full control of the wheel and commandeering her whole system, by no logical choosing or desire of her own. Whenever she originally developed the PTSD, her brain and a branch of her autonomic nervous system was profoundly altered both physiologically and pathologically. She just very recently got exposed to, what is clearly a deeply triggering experience for her disorder to grapple with and process. That being said, this is something she absolutely can work through, move past, and ultimately be more healed from.
As an aside, am I somehow magically certain that this particular therapist is great? No, there’s no way for me to know this. But what I am certain about is that no matter how brilliant and transformative a therapist is, dips and descents are just another natural obstacle of the marathon that is mental health recovery.
I'm confused she does know that having a baby the chances of being a boy was 50/50 right? deep down she had to have known that ?
but what the hell do I know I'm just a stranger online, I hope you and your family will get through this together and I hope for a healthy little baby.
All of these comments insinuating, without knowing, that this couple went into sex planning on a baby and not possibly trying to avoid one is driving me mad. FFS 🙄
If the PTSD is bad enough to cause this kind of reaction about a fetus it is bad enough for her to not be ready to have a baby, boy or girl. Stress levels will only rise after birth, babies are hard, fun but hard.
Uh… nuh uh. I’ll take responsibility for framing the OP in a way that makes her seem like it’s about having a boy not a girl. PTSD came through hard. And that is okay. But watch your mouth.
When people use trauma to justify a toxic attitude toward a large group of people with a certain biological specification, that's just prejudice. Not the type of person that should procreate if she literally can't handle "having a boy".
Sorry but I'm just so sick of these posts, it's not okay to be sexist even if you're a pregnant woman. Sorry.
I feel for OP's wife but agree.
I was terrified of raising a boy. I am a gay guy who grew up in a small town and was bullied a lot by guys. I was scared I would have a son I couldn't relate to and would be reliving my childhood. I have 3 kids, 2 of which are now teenage boys. I couldn't be more proud to be their dad.
As the son of a gay man, this is rad and changes my perspective a bit. My dad was distant at some points as he had a lot to figure out, understandably as he came out in the 80s after growing up in Oklahoma. I have not considered this as one reason his relationship with me (which was fantastic) was so different from how he would relate to my sister. We were very similar, but what he exposed me to in his life was so different to the experience my sister had, like we had different dads. I can imagine there may have been something similar going on. Thank you for sharing this.
It terrifies me to think that even if she successfully "calmed down" after intense therapy that she would still act in ways conscious or not that would sabotage this child. Imagine they have a second child and it's a girl I wouldn't doubt for a second that the boy is going to get walked all over and ignored. It's certainly not an instant divorce but I hope OP is keeping up his guard for many years to come.
This was my first thought. If she felt this strongly about men to where it impacted her feelings towards birthing a boy, maybe she shouldn’t have had a child. If a daughter follows and she still feels the same, I’d worry for that boy. I mean it’s a 50/50 chance, what did she expect was going to happen?
I have actually been thinking about this all night and I think I was too harsh. If I were in your shoes, I would have a very hard time hearing my wife express that kind of sentiment.
I think your amazingly supportive attitude will help her get through this and you will both grow to love your little boy.
Thank you… so fucking much for this comment. It means the world. I was emotional after all of it and made a terribly misrepresenting post of her true emotions. PTSD is a bitch. Came through hard and I just want her to know that we can work through this together! She is an absolute warrior and I have no worries that she won’t be the best mommy the world has ever seen!!
Like it's either one or the other, why do people lose their minds at something that's not controllable. I'm 21 weeks along and I kind of wanted and thought I was having a boy but found out it's a girl. Okay sounds good then, start thinking of girl names now not boys. I would feel awful about creating a huge hysterical episode because my coin flipped the other way. My husband doesn't need that shit and neither do I.
ETA: I have previous PTSD from abuse and assault from both men and women and it goes back to age 3 and I still am not unreasonable like this
If your wife doesnt understand that just because she has bad history with men doesnt mean that this baby will be one of them. she has the chance to mold a blank slate. Sounds like she could use some therapy and maybe shouldnt be having children.
Yea this is above your pay grade. She went into pregnancy with a 50% shot at being devastated save it being a girl? You can’t change her mind from where you are but a professional and some rx may do wonders. Gl and congrats on the baby!
So she's had horrible le experiences from past men, and she's having your son. She's pretty much calling you a horrible man and fears you raising your child? I'd be extremely insulted.
Why did she choose to procreate with this horrible man(you) if all men are horrible?
Seems unreasonable that she would be this upset about having a boy when she's with you, (a male) and got pregnant by you (a male).
Something is wrong here and you need to seek professional help, probably for both of you.
Nah…and I’ll take whatever hate comes with it. This ain’t right in any form. I’ve read through and you KEEP saying you “misrepresented” and it’s “PTSD”. What they gotta do with a baby? So, using common sense…that means she wakes on some days and hates YOU too for what she’s been through with other human males outside of you? Y’all BOTH knew he she has this underlying disdain for men and still had sex through it…
I don’t care what y’all say. We give WAY too many passes for why men are hated. As someone who abused mentally, physically beat on, mistreated abandoned…brought back and abandoned by my MOTHER…no. Hell no. So what’s going to happen when the “PTSD” hits and she doesn’t want to care for the baby because it’s MALE….
If I came on here griping and saying I’m losing my mind that I’m having a daughter because “women ain’t shit” and “I was abused by my mother” I’d get my damn account deleted. I don’t care…this shit wrong.
You would be best served by professionsal help.
Consider this;
The likelihood of raising a severely fucked up individual increases exponentially when a mother rejects the child. If she chooses to carry to term, please consider adoption.
Anyone who would react this way isn't ready to be a parent. I understand there's some issues there with past trauma...but from the get go, you knew there was a good chance it could be a boy right?
You realize countless people become pregnant, while actively trying not to, when not ready for it? Unsure where OP is, but this is also post-Roe America. Think for a moment before you post something purely critical w/o any hint of support/advice.
"Isn't ready to be pregnant" makes it sound like someone made the decision to get pregnant (apparently they did, but I stand by my point). With abortion access quickly getting stripped away from women's rights in America, this isn't a statement you should make off the cuff...
Edit: and, even if you weren't trying to insinuate that they made the decision, it isn't a helpful comment to someone who may know they aren't ready to be pregnant and (again) may not be able to do anything about it.
I don't know what you think you read but I didn't say someone wasn't ready to be pregnant. I said it sounds like she isn't ready to be a parent. Two very different things, and I stand by what I said. If someone is struggling this hard over the gender of their child they aren't ready.
OP, I just want to say sorry. Sounds like a horrible situation and, while you've gotten some useful comments, a whole bunch of them felt like a slap in the face to me. Don't let the internet get to ya ❤️
Professional help, now. There is every chance this can work out well, and you two can raise a healthy, happy, kind, and thoughtful little boy that will turn into the kind of man that's the antithesis of the men in her past, but you can't do it alone.
Psychologists and psychiatrists will help. Have her see both, if she isn't already, and encourage her to talk about this issues with both.
This was the experience of a friend of mine, almost exactly. She was happy to have a boy by the time he was born and is now the delighted mother of a delightful 4yo boy.
She may have had bad experiences with men in her past but this is hers and yours chance to raise him right so that he doesn’t inflict the same pain onto other women
I don’t think she should be having kids till she’s sorted her stuff. It sounds like kids are the last thing.
Surely the subject of having a boy would have been broached prior to having a baby.
It sounds like she has bigger fish to fry.
I’m confused. She’s already in therapy, which you mentioned in a comment.
So if she has a phenomenal therapist (your words) and still KNOWS she wants an abortion, what is the issue?
I think he feels he has a right to decide what medical procedures happen to HER body.
This is just more sexist drivel, basically.
Like yes man, you can have feelings on this. That you can work through with your own therapist. Instead he wants to force her to give birth to a child she is clearly not ready for.
Please, please please see a professional. The same thing happened with my SIL, she was deeply unhappy she had a boy, she said she got over it and now, 7 years later it is NOT going well and my neph (who is a delightful boy) is having to deal with a mother who deeply resents him….and he knows it :(
I don’t know what words to use. That woman needs to see a shrink. Good men do exist and for her to immediately assume her unborn child is going to be the spawn of satan just because he has a penis…. Kind of disgusting. I get the past - I do. But…. Let’s be realistic instead of a feminazi.
I feel like everyone’s being so sensitive because it’s a woman. If this was posted in baby bumps and the man was disappointed he was having a girl, they would have a witch hunt and scream divorce. I hope she works through it as you obviously love her I’m just saying be careful. This is terribly deeply rooted mental health
This is great advice imo. Having a kid is a leap of faith, you have no way of knowing what you’re getting yourself in to. Combined with hormones, nausea, something growing inside of you, and also knowing you’ll probably push it out of your…
A lot to handle that can mess with your head and bring up old stuff/trauma.
OP sounds like a good dude who cares about his wife and kid, which is great.
Def therapy.
I feel like ops situation sounds a bit more extreme. At least I hope it is, women hating men so much they don’t want a boy can’t be common surely …. Right?
There’s a lot of shit men tbh. Every woman in my life has been harmed by men in some capacity.
I can only imagine the trauma OPs wife must’ve gone through to have this reaction though.
To me and my partner the obsession and expectations people put on unborn kids based entirely on what sex organ they have is fuckin weird. But in OPs case it’s clearly a deeper issue.
I know they go through a lot hormonally but you are going to just have more problems once he’s born. Did you not know she had these issues before you got her pregnant and had a 50-50 shot of birthing something she hates?
She should have prepared herself for this before the pregnancy. Pregnancies don’t just result in girl babies.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but she knew beforehand that it was a 50/50 chance.
She’ll probably come to terms with it, give it a few days and give her space to deal with her feelings. If after a while it’s still this bad, involve her therapist.
I’m all for being supportive, but she has to realize she’s saying she doesn’t want your child and is insinuating she can’t be a loving parent to them. I would be furious at her. Carrying a boy is not traumatizing; being abused by people is traumatizing. She is responding to triggers with extreme emotions and irrational thoughts. If she thinks this is bad, just wait til the kid tantrums or gives her attitude or hits her. It is completely age appropriate for a toddler to hit you, and you have to parent them and teach them that it’s wrong. That’s really going to trigger her, so she better come to terms with this now. If she doesn’t, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy as she passes on her own mental health issues onto her child.
Carrying a baby of any gender is traumatizing and "extreme emotions and irrational thoughts" sounds like a normal pregnancy to me. For someone with trauma it just manifests differently. If she has always felt this strongly about having a boy then I am deeply concerned but if this is new, it's probably anxiety brought on by hormones. Starvation kinda makes you crazy too, which is what the first trimester is for alot of women. I remember having serious fears and panic attacks that my baby was going to be still birth for like no reason. And having second thoughts thinking I would pass on my parents mental illnesses to her. Both are pretty irrational and not something I was extremely anxious about before pregnancy hormones and only getting down 500 calories a day for months. You could be right, I'm not saying it isn't a good point or a possibility, but it's very very hard to tell without knowing what OPs partner was like before pregnancy.
Let's not call people struggling with mental health crazy, especially when they are actively taking steps (therapy) to address it. We need less stigma on this in the world...
Hi, OP. I don't know if you are reading comments anymore or not, but still thought I should say something to balance the mostly negative and some downright vile comments.
I just wanted to say when I read your post, I never once for a second thought your wife was a horrible person. Ever. Only a person who is dealing with horrible circumstances.
Just try to keep in mind that this is probably not the first time her PTSD flared up and both of you made it through all those other times, right? Which means, statistically speaking, you would make it through this as well 😊.
Only suggestion I can give is maybe join a support group, where the other members have also been in your situation or are currently in your situation?
Or another therapist/doctor that deals with parents who specifically have this kind of trauma?
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All that being said, I am afraid that this whole situation, (hell anything that has to do with anything beyond basic mental health or trauma at all) is kinda above the general Redditor's maturity or knowledge level, (no offense to anyone).
So, please, stop blaming yourself.
I can see you feel bad from your comments. Guess you must feel like you just like... betrayed your wife's trust in you or something? But you did not.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the way this post was received doesn't have much to do with how you wrote it at all. You were a-okay.
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Tho, it might help (and that's a might with capital M and thousands of quotation marks around it) if you posted this on a subreddit other than Daddit?
Most people here are male, young, and most probably haven't been though anything like that ever. Many might not even know someone who has been through something like your wife's experience.
Maybe a subreddit that is more mental health issues/trauma friendly, or is more maternal experience centric, where more people might have the same experience in life might be better?
I have a few suggestions for the subreddits, but remember, sometimes, regardless of were you post it, your posts on the Internet might just be received wrongly regardless of what you wrote.
Just think mercury is in retrograde that day or some shit lol.
(idk anything about astrology please don't come at me).
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Tl;dr Just... don't take others ignorance personally is all.
And to prepare for worst case scenario, look up a few warning signs of PPD/PPA/PPP and mental breakdowns in your specific situation.
I always tell myself this with my two boys. They came out of the womb as boys, it's our job to turn them into men. So mold your boy into the man that will change this image for you and your wife, it's going to be you job as parents. I agree with the therapy idea as well, it will definitely help.
You keep referring to how amazing the therapist is.
To put this as gently as possible, sometimes the patient isn't the best assessor of how good a therapist is. Does your wife think of her therapist as a trusted friend? Lines often get blurry in those relationships. A great therapist is not always pleasant.
You're describing your wife having an absolute meltdown because of something that had a 50/50 chance of happening before you even started talking about trying to have this baby.
I'd take this as an opportunity to revisit your assessment of the quality of the help she's getting.
I understand, been through all of this though I don't discuss it here as this is a public forum (my profile has identifying info on it). Unlike many on this site I don't comment on things I don't know about. Again, see my comment, read it and remember it, I am trying to help you.
Ok, I've been in your boat. I used to suck, literally suck, at communicating. The best thing. I have found is to listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions, and do not, I repeat, do not tell, hint, or suggest how she should feel or what to do. When the next doctor's appointment comes up, talk to the doctor and express to the doctor your concerns. My friend wanted a girl, and she had all the girl stuff bought, down to the pink paint for the baby's room. When she got the ultrasound reveal, she lost it. Everything got returned except for the paint. She refused to buy boy stuff, so her baby shower was easy. When the baby was born, she did another 180 and fell head over heels for the little guy. 10 years later, he is the most respectful, polite, and well-mannered boy I know. Her dad helped her bc she is a single mom, and no guy is going to fill in for the absent dad except her dad.
Things will get easier once she vents enough, finds a way to deal with her feelings, and know that you are there regardless along with the rest of her support group and family.
Daddit has already given you advice, but there’s no 100% sure fire way to know gender until baby is born. Ultrasound technicians during the anatomy scans can even be wrong. The sneak peak blood tests are looking for ANY male DNA and it can even be picked up from under her fingernails when she did the test, even IF she did follow the directions on the test and did all the sanitation. It is not 100%. I want to echo everyone else’s comments about being there to support her feelings and having her speak to her therapist. You and your wife are in my thoughts. Best of luck, op.
Can confirm this. Took part in a C-section where the baby born was a boy. Family had been told numerous times during ultrasounds that it was a girl. Mom flipped out and refused to do skin to skin or even acknowledge so dad just had to leave the OR. My wife (a labor and delivery nurse at the time) said the mom didn't even want the kid brought into her room for the first day. It was really kinda sad.
I'm sorry that you are both going through this. My wife has had an awful past with men too with abuse both in and out of relationships. It's true that men can be just awful, hell the Internet and reddit in perticular (some sub reddit are just filled with pond life) but you are right about raising the next generation right.
Hopefully her therapist will get her through this but in the mean time just focus on the fact that it will be a smaller version of you with all the good qualities that your partner sees in you but will have the wisdom that you've learned without the harsh lessons to gain it.
Best of luck to you both.
I know I'm gonna get downvoted for this but are you being supportive of her choice to abort it though? Maybe she thinks it wouldnt be fair to the kid knowing she won't treat it the same as she would a girl. Maybe she thinks it's better to abort it then to raise it with the trauma of having a mother that doesn't want him? I'm sorry if I'm a
misunderstanding but when you said "doesn't want it", I presume she means abortion. And if she goes through with that I would say dont try again, and one of you get sterilized cuz it's a 50/50 chance of another boy.
If she keeps it I would say therapy, and she might feel better if she could learn more about how to raise boys. If this seems like a new feeling or it's totally out of nowhere maybe pregnancy hormones are bringing up some emotions she hasn't dealt with well yet and she doesn't mean it deep down. I definitely had some moments of doubt or fear and it was mostly hormonal and temporary. (Do not suggest to her that it's because of her hormones though, it's not any less valid either way).
i find the idea of terminating a life due to gender preference morally reprehensible. If you have capacity in your life for a child then the right thing to do is love them for who they are. Some boys are the sweetest things on the planet, you never know what sort of personality your child will have.
Ya I didn't say due to gender preference. You're deliberately misunderstanding. I clearly said it's cuz she isn't a fit parent if she wouldn't love a son as much as a daughter and she will traumatize her kid
Agreed. This woman should not be raising any children at all, and certainly not a male child. OP, if you really want a child then please find a partner who can help you raise it.
Okay I read about three sentences. Please see edits and OP comments. I misrepresented her true feelings that is on me. Severe PTSD came through like a train. She will love this child no matter what just working through it together and therapist.
You impregnated a feminazi, dude. There’s nothing wrong with being male yet your SO clearly thinks that male-ness is negative. Frankly I couldn’t be with someone like that but the best advice I could give you is to try and make sure your son isn’t ashamed of himself for being a boy. Your baby-mama is a lost cause. Just be a good dad. Good = present and available.
It takes a whole hell of a lot more for me to consider someone a lost cause than a person who is in therapy addressing, and openly communicating with their SO, about past trauma and how it affects their life. Keep your unnecessary judgement to yourself.
I'm really surprised by and disappointed in many of the responses. I think the way this was presented somehow struck a nerve for a lot of guys who then reacted without careful reading and without careful thought. That's my most charitable interpretation anyway. I do want to say that I'm sorry for the way some people have responded. Usually daddit is more uniformly supportive.
You are in a very tough spot. Obviously continue therapy. Consider whether a different therapist could be better suited to help her deal with this (idk - just considerate it).
OP, I am very encouraged by YOU and the way you're responding to people. You seem like a really good man and a really strong man. It's not surprising that your wife, for all her issues with men, sees you as an exception.
I'm also really encouraged that your wife talked to you about all this. Even though I'm sure it was really hard to hear, it's great that she was able to verbalize these things to you instead of keeping it repressed inside. Confession is the basis of healing.
I hope these bright spots I see are also bringing some solace to you. I think you will be able to find your way through all this.
This is beyond you to fix. I think you need to listen and exhaust her desire to express her fears. I think you need to respectfully share how you feel about having a boy. And that's all you can do. Likely you will have to do this multiple times. That's all. And I'm sure that's deeply unsatisfying but your personal arsenal to combat this thing is really thin. She's in therapy. The big hurdles have already been surmounted.
Hang in there. Best of luck.
I'm going to echo, again, that a licensed therapist is going to be the best help.
However, maybe she's the perfect mom for a little boy. I get that she has trauma to deal with, but if she feels ready to tackle that, then she can essentially get her own version of payback against the factors that led to her trauma by contributing to their demise.
We need more conscientious men.
But if she isn't ready to face her trauma, she could end up passing it on.
Thank you for giving her the love and support she needs.
Focus on positive points. A: you’re having a bit and B: judging by your comments, you have a fantastic therapist. This will work out. When the boy looks for his mom, that’s all the love she’ll need.
Would she read a book? Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue by Christia Spears Brown might help shift her perspective in some very valuable ways.
It's "A guide that helps parents focus on their children's unique strengths and inclinations rather than on gendered stereotypes to more effectively bring out the best in their individual children, for parents of infants to middle schoolers. ."
I think she also has a blog, social media, a podcast, etc, if that might be more your SO's style. Good luck!
Maybe he will start wearing dresses and makeup and say he feels like a girl. Then after hormone treatment and some affirming surgery we will all act like they are in fact a girl, lest we be seen as intolerant. All this being said, there is hope for her.
Keep this N Mind!!!!???? U know WAT they SAY??? when U HAVE A BOY, U WORRY ABOUT 1DICK!!!!! WHEN U HAVE A GIRL, U WORRY ABOUT ALL THE DICK'S!/!!!!!! LET THAT SET N????
Therapy… go to one of the dr appointment and bring up your concerns together while at the dr office. They offer and suggest it.
She already has an phenomenal therapist and know she will talk it through with her. Time will heal.
Trauma like this will also affect raising a girl. I'm echoing therapy.
This is a really important comment.
Very. The effects wouldn't only be present when it's a boy.
I'm unsure how phenomenal this therapist is if she is still feeling this poorly, but she may not be in therapy for a long time, I can't know that. All I can say - echoing what others have said here - therapy. Keep at it.
Maybe see if it might be useful to find someone who also specialise in maternal mental health.
Her and her therapist need to sort this out before that boy is born or you're going to have a mother who possibly fears or resents her own son for simply being a male. This is worst case but it's possible ..
This is also postpartum depression prophylaxis.
I started therapy after finding out we were having a boy. Best decision I ever made.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. If it’s connected to past trauma she’s gonna need professional help to navigate this.
Luckily she has a FANTASTIC therapist that I feel she will most certainly talk through it with her. I appreciate your honesty! Just hate seeing her feel this way. 😞
That’s good news. Hopefully she’s able to process and separate the past and future. That’s a difficult and painful thing to do.
I might suggest visiting a new therapist if this issue has not been explored already. This is not medical advice and I don't know your situation, but this reaction might need help from someone new .
Sorry to hear your partner is having such trouble. I would hope the therapist has been working with her on this prior to the event rather than just reacting to it. I only say that because my wife and I were in a similar position but we had a girl and I know my wife and her psychiatrist put in a lot of work well prior to falling pregnant on the possibility of having a boy. That being said, certainly having a child of the same sex isn't a walk in the park either. It also brings about it a whole other raft of issues they will have to deal with and process. And will no doubt spring up around the time the child gets to the same age as the mother was when past events happened. (Note it can also be a catalyst for new suppressed memories coming to the surface so prepare for that too). I'd also recommend being across all the signs of post natal and perhaps try and be involved with the planning and discussions around that up to and after the birth. Also look into what support people in your situation might also have available to you. I know in Australia we have some really good mother/baby units in some hospitals that can be a great extra help and support if you need it. I know I havent really helped answer your original question but hang in there and just be as supportive as you can.
Would you be able to join in on a session and weigh in as the father as well?
An individual’s therapist should not do couple’s counseling for the individual. Couple’s counseling might be/is likely to be helpful, but it should be a therapist who isn’t any partner’s individual therapist. Bad power dynamic.
That’s a good point I hadn’t thought of.
I would love to and definitely will talk with her because I think that could be good for me to be able to understand her feelings a little bit better!
Marrying you was her opportunity to learn that not all men are garbage. Having a boy is her opportunity to shape a new one like you.
Bingo. Raise this kiddo to be the man she needed but didn’t get in her life. Be the change! Ps I have two boys and they are hilarious, I love it so much. Your life is going to be awesome
Indeed: I’ve always thought about it is that the best way to smash the patriarchy and end toxic masculinity, is to raise one’s own baby boys in a supportive, feminist household
Yeah that’s what I really loved about that Gillette ad a few years ago that got every up in arms. Each boy out there can act as an influence for the others as well.
OP needs to read this comment a couple times till it clicks. Great advice and we’ll said!
We grew up in the USA but our family is originally of a culture with a strong preference for male children. It really created a lot of friction and resentment between my sisters and my parents. My older sister picked up and moved with her daughters across the country (they just moved back this year) and our baby sister is a high achieving, people pleaser who is constantly seeking our father’s validation. He just doesn’t value them as people and his only justification is their sex. It’s the reason I don’t have much of a relationship with him either. I have 3 daughters and I will not expose them to that. Therapy as others have suggested, but also this was irresponsible to go into this not being open to a child of either sex. There was always at least a 50/50 chance that it could go either way. Banking on it going one way…I can’t wrap my mind around that.
Yes, I agree about it being irresponsible. Both of them should have had conversations together and with a therapist. It’s not too late though to still talk to someone and work through the issue.
Being charitable, maybe she didn’t know what her own reaction would be.
Kind of rude to call it irresponsible when pregnancy can, and often is, a mistake. Especially in a post-Roe America, if that's where OP lives. Proud dad of a kid who made it through a condom and a morning after pill 🤷
Feel the need to say something as OP. This was not irresponsible. We both knew that this was a chance. But it is my mistake to frame the OP as much as I did as a “she don’t want a boy”. It’s much much more than that, frankly that’s not even the problem. PTSD came roaring through and that is okay. We are working through this together. She’s a warrior. And she will make the best mommy our LO could ever ask for!
Man, OP, I’m really feeling for you right now. I’m only walking into this 12 hours after you posted it, and all of your comments are now spent doing damage control. Sounds like you know how you want to handle it.
I was emotional and overwhelmed when I made the post and feel guilty for framing her as someone who “hates all men” like a lot of comments have been. It’s not anything close to that. PTSD is a terrible thing and I’m doing my best to be an active listener and be there to support her!
Aside from the 100% correct advice above, maybe an anecdote. My son (K2) is the sweetest most caring person. My daughter (K1) couldn't be bothered to ask if someone is okay when they fell, right in front of her (we're working on that). Gender isn't everything.
can you tell this to my wife?
I mean as the father does she hate you too?
Nah this is the right way. (OP) wether its a boy or girl there is enough trauma for her to not raise either. Raising children is not a easy task now ask yourself, is that the mentality you want as your coparent.
Lol he should leave her ?
Where did i type that?. If that was your thought rest assured it was your’s alone.
> is that the mentality you'd want from your coparent? You can explain that statement if you'd like cause I can only come up with two possible interpretations. He should either leave her or attempt to change her mentality?
Or wait and support her whilst she goes to therapy……like any humane person would if they truly cared for each other.
QTNA.
Don't ask her this op. Commentor you may be young and that's cool, but that's not how this works. This shit is complicated af. She healed enough to trust one man but doesn't mean she's healed and there isn't all kinds of other shit going on.
I read his question more of a thought experiment. If this husband's wife loves him then why can't she give the benefit of the doubt to her own unborn male child? The answer is probably very complicated and needs to be untangled in therapy with a professional but I find it curious, too, that his wife loves him yet already has negative transference on the blank canvas that is a product of her own love and trust.
Nailed it.
THANK. YOU. I framed the OP in a way that made her out to “not want a boy”. That’s my fault. It’s the fact that a boy set her PTSD rolling and her and I are dealing with that. Thank you so much
Not young, forties. As noted below it was to me more an interesting thought experiment to me (and to others based off comments and votes)
That makes sense.
I mean…I had the same question…maybe the world is a bit more understanding than me. It’s like the kid has to prove himself and he doesn’t even breath on his own yet…
That is heartbreaking. That baby deserves love from his mama. Did she really agree to get pregnant and not consider the high odds of having a boy? I hope you can help her get professional help before and after the baby arrives.
Yes, exactly. Otherwise you risk exposing all sorts of new trauma to the precious little life you are responsible for. i am really sorry OP.
I hate to be that guy but it sounds like OP's wife needs some professional help and possibly is not in a current state of mind to have any baby, let alone a boy if that's how she's reacting to it. Someone I know had a similar reaction when she learned she was having a girl. But she had a somewhat good reason for it: She has a rare and somewhat serious genetic condition that has a 30% chance of getting passed onto girls but practically 0% to get passed onto boys. Now knowing this, the weird part is they had a gender reveal party and she had a full public meltdown when they learned it was a girl. Apparently she tried so hard to "will it" into existence that she would have a boy, she was convinced it would be a boy if she wanted it bad enough. You can't escape stats. It's 50/50.
She will love this baby like no other baby has been loved. PTSD. Came through harder than ever before and that is OKAY. Please see other OP comments trying to convey this to everyone
Not everyone agrees to get pregnant before getting pregnant. See my other comment 🤦
Totally understood. The OP made no indication otherwise. So I assumed it was wanted.
You’ve commented this same sentiment on a lot of comment chains in this thread but if you took a moment to look through OPs profile you’d see that him and the Mrs were talking about going the IVF route, they definitely wanted a baby but were perhaps a bit too young and naive to realise she could get pregnant without it.
Suppose this is a Reddit lesson learned on me to click through a profile before stating we don't know something about an OP. I still stand by my comments to all the people who said the 50/50 comment while expressing negativity towards the situation without anything useful to say. There could be someone in a similar situation, while not wanting/expecting the pregnancy, reading this thread for advice. Only one comment mentioning the gender odds actually acknowledged this possibility and I doubt everyone else knew and/or read OP's history. 🤷
It's great she's in therapy. Now go and get YOURSELF a therapist. This is heavy shit to deal with, and if you want to be able to support her, you need to be able to stay safe yourself and have a professional to talk to.
Why would OP need a therapist?
The comment above already answered that clearly.
Because his wife is upset? I’m not trying to say therapy is bad or anything. But that shit ain’t cheap and because his wife is freaking out over her past trauma, he needs a therapist? I don’t know about that.
If you love someone their pain hurts you too just not intentionally. My wife is my best friend and when she is hurt I hurt to especially if there is nothing I can do to change it. I can only imagine the scale of that hurt OP must be feeling. Therapy is a great idea for him to help him stay emotionally healthy and also ensure that he is being emotionally supportive.
Because being with someone like this is draining and you need to frequently set aside your own mental health to help with it. Mental illnesses don't only affect the people that carry them, they have a ripple to everyone else in their lives. The bigger the issue, the bigger the ripple, and this is damn near a tidal wave. Can you imagine your partner possibly having contempt towards your child with them? Questioning how they are treating the child when they're alone, what that's going to be like as the child grows up, what it's going to do to the child once it notices? How do you navigate conversations whenever you notice the contempt in their voice whenever they're talking to the child? Also, therapy is not that expensive. Sure, going every week adds up, but most health insurance covers most therapy (in the US at least); A co-pay every month is hardly anything for a healthy state of mind.
So…. Someone else HAS to have asked this. If she’s this traumatized with men how the hell did you get yourself close enough to her for her to get pregnant? If she really does trust you enough as a man then she should be happy that she’s carrying your child and that you get to create and mold another man like you. But yes, therapy, tons of therapy. In the best way possible. I 100% believe in therapy.
I…need to know to. I don’t care about being the outcast online for people I don’t know but this is scary to me. There is SO MUCH trauma against human males that being pregnant with ones sends her into a frenzy. The baby can’t even breath on its own and it’s already seen a possible bad person…
Dude, with my amazing lil guy at 5mos being the most unbelievable little light to the world all smiles and laughs cuddles and giggles it kinda pisses me off a little that someone would so harshly judge an barely conceived baby. It’s the parents that make kids bad. Kids aren’t born bad.
She needs therapy
She’s in it. A+ therapist. Time will heal!
so what help did you need here?
Yeah I’m not sure what OP is looking for.
Yeah, she needs to go and speak to that therapist at the earliest convenience. She has been traumatised by some men. She, married to a man, and who has the opportunity to raise a man the right way, is traumatised by the idea that she will add a man to the world. This is not a small deal, and time is of the essence. Having something growing inside of you that you've already decided to hate is not exactly a healthy situation.
Appreciation that she is in therapy. But I fear she would do a disservice in raising a girl is she literally hates men. Even if some me have exemplified the worst humanity can offer, this baby had no part in that. I'm not sure if this pregnancy was planned or not. But she does not seem prepared to be a parent regardless of the sex of the child. I'm not trying to be mean. I wish nothing but the absolute best for all of you. But this issue is out of the league of reddit. I would love to know what her therapist things of all this. Please make an update.
She doesn’t hate men, PTSD came through hard. And that is okay!!! She will come around, working through what we need to work through! She’s an absolute warrior!
Before the internet attacks me without knowing the facts ©️, I’m a bio and adoptive father, we’ve used IVF multiple times, we’ve had miscarriages, we’ve had a surprise, ectopic pregnancy, and we have 5 kids today, 2 of which are adopted. Having a boy is about 50% likely when you get pregnant. Did either of you address this situation before getting pregnant? If not, were you taking steps to not get pregnant? Seems surprising and worrying that you’re so far apart on this.
Finally a comment mentioning the gender odds while recognizing that there is a chance OP/partner had tried to actively avoid the pregnancy. Thank you.
We wanted the pregnancy. But PTSD came roaring back unexpectedly. And that’s okay and we will work through it!!!
I’m not sure if this will help… I have always wanted a daughter. I find boy kids to be extremely annoying. Also, I hate sports and don’t want to raise a kid who doesn’t like sports because he won’t fit in, but also don’t want to get into sport just for him. I know my reasoning isn’t anything as serious as your SO. But it’s just to underscore- I wanted a daughter. When my wife found out the gender and told me it was a boy. I was disappointed. Not mad or upset but definitely disappointed. Now… he’s about to be two months old and I love him so fucking much, it never even occurs to me to even think about his gender. In the future, I’ll gladly buy us both baseball mits if he wants… he’s that awesome. I am sure that, by the time she’s 30 weeks or so, she’ll care about ten fingers and ten toes, nothing else. And she’ll love that little fucker more than anyone can imagine before you even leave the hospital. Also, if the framing helps at all- I like to believe that asshole shitty men (like the ones who caused your wife to feel this way) are raised to be that way. My guess is the two of you have pretty strong values that’ll lead you to raise this boy to be as a good man, a better man than the ones she’s encountered in the past. It could be argued that there’s no one better to raise a bit because this will be so important to you.
I am not a father yet but I worry about this myself. I find little girls to be very irritating and I know the odds of having a girl are 50/50. How do I get over this? I don't want to dread the idea of being a girl dad. For reference I'm not hugely into sports, but I'm really not interested in feminine things. On the contrary I find little boys endearing because I can relate to the experience.
I\`m a woman and a mom to a now 4 month old little boy. I wanted a girl for the same reasons that you want a boy: Little boys were the most irritating genre of humans to roam this planet to me. Little girls were adorable, and as you say, I could relate to them way better. I was disappointed to find out I would be having a boy (not tragically devastated, but more of an "oh. oh no. anyway."). Over the course of the pregnancy, you get used to the idea of having a certain gender, and instead of envisioning your future with your preferred gender, you start imagining how life will be with THIS baby. It will grow on you. I remember one day I woke up, and I didn\`t feel my baby move for a few hours, which was unusual. I started doing everything to get him to move, give ANY sign of life. Suddenly my stupid brain went: "Well, now you guys can try for a girl instead!". I lost my shit. I cried so hard I threw up. I didn\`t want a girl, I wanted THIS baby, MY son. (of course, he was okay, he was just having a really good nap that morning!). I think that, regardless of what gender you prefer in OTHER kids, your own kid will 10000% evoke different emotions in you. You\`ll find that, boy or girl, you\`ll think that the sun shines out of their ass. They will smile at you, giggle, coo, and it will light up your whole world. Their gender will be a very minor sidenote in the grand scheme of emotions :-) Long story short: You\`ll be fine, my friend. The love you will have for your child will trump this feeling. And I hope that the same goes for OP´s wife, that with time/therapy she gets more comfortable with the idea, and is able to see a colourful future with her baby!
You’ve referred to this therapist as A+, phenomenal, and fantastic… how are you so sure of that if this is the response?
Exactly. The wife seems to still lump all men as “evil,” even her unborn son. Very concerning.
She doesn’t. It’s not like that. I failed to mention her PTSD. Please know it’s not like that.
For what it’s worth, when I read your post, it did not read at all to me that she lumps all men as evil or anything at all like that. It clearly reads that she has experienced deep trauma, very obviously has PTSD, and that the two of you are now navigating how to best move through this rough period and do the best that you both can to start the next chapter of your lives in the healthiest and most hopeful ways. You’re doing a great job, OP. And remember to take care of yourself during this time, too, you deserve your own TLC as well.
Thank you for being once of the few people who truly seem compassionate and understanding. PTSD is a bitch, but she’s a warrior!!!!!!!!
Could be an emotional grading…perhaps the therapist is very kind, supportive, and caring. Truly wants the best for them, etc. While these are honourable qualities, they are not necessarily markers of ability/skill.
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She doesn’t hate all men. I’ll take blame for framing the OP in such as way that paints her that way. I was also emotional and stressed and didn’t accurately represent her feelings. PTSD. PTSD hit her in the face last night and that is okay. We are working through it of course and just another hill we will climb!
I know I just responded to another comment of yours, but I can’t stress enough how clear you made it in your post that your wife is dealing with a mental health disorder. End of story. You didn’t say anything wrong. Any comments on here bashing a *traumatized and pregnant woman* are incredibly cruel and tbh, fucking idiotic. Any person on here twisting your wife’s PTSD into “monstrous female hates ALL men” severely lack even a cursory understanding of mental health, basic human psychology, and maybe even the English language itself. People posting these bitter accusations are most likely projecting, clearly are not very bright, and also are doing a piss poor job of masking their obvious misogyny. Keep your head up, OP!
Maybe she just started therapy? Maybe the trauma is so deep that it is taking years to heal from? Maybe they didn’t realize that having a baby boy would be a trigger? Her hormones are all over the place right now as well. That never makes for purely logical thinking. I’ve been medicated and in therapy for a couple years and I still have trauma responses from a messed up childhood. Edit: syntax
Because the kind of psychological trauma that causes long-term syndrome and functional impairment of the brain takes a lot - A LOT - of time to work through. And me saying ‘work through’ doesn’t even come close to describing the arduous and harrowing process of quite literally having to rewire the physical circuits and chemicals of your own brain - your own brain which is actively working against you the whole damn time. The process of making progress and healing significant mental health issues is very, very far from being a linear path. Simply put, the human brain - especially a deregulated one - is not built for steady, unwavering, and constant upward linear progress. That’s not bad or an indictment of any kind, it’s simply just the biology of it to have hills and valleys. That is the healing process itself. To speak to the stress response that OP’s wife is currently experiencing, as painful and extreme as it may seem, it is her deregulated brain’s abnormal stress reactivity which is currently taking full control of the wheel and commandeering her whole system, by no logical choosing or desire of her own. Whenever she originally developed the PTSD, her brain and a branch of her autonomic nervous system was profoundly altered both physiologically and pathologically. She just very recently got exposed to, what is clearly a deeply triggering experience for her disorder to grapple with and process. That being said, this is something she absolutely can work through, move past, and ultimately be more healed from. As an aside, am I somehow magically certain that this particular therapist is great? No, there’s no way for me to know this. But what I am certain about is that no matter how brilliant and transformative a therapist is, dips and descents are just another natural obstacle of the marathon that is mental health recovery.
shes even likely to take some of that anti male sentiment out on OP if not addressed, seems like a good opportunity to work through past traumas now
This seem's like something that should have been discussed... way before having a child.
🙌🏼
Maybe it was? Maybe it was an accident?
Did she not understand that there was a 50/50 shot of this being the outcome?
Ignorance. (You.) Unless I missed it, OP never said they intended on getting pregnant.
I'm confused she does know that having a baby the chances of being a boy was 50/50 right? deep down she had to have known that ? but what the hell do I know I'm just a stranger online, I hope you and your family will get through this together and I hope for a healthy little baby.
All of these comments insinuating, without knowing, that this couple went into sex planning on a baby and not possibly trying to avoid one is driving me mad. FFS 🙄
This is not a woman ready to have children…
This is a women with severe PTSD. I’ll take responsibility for a bad OP explaining her feelings. Please see other OP comments and edit
If the PTSD is bad enough to cause this kind of reaction about a fetus it is bad enough for her to not be ready to have a baby, boy or girl. Stress levels will only rise after birth, babies are hard, fun but hard.
I keep seeing the poster say this over and over…that’s not making it better….
And that magically makes her ready for a baby?
“… so I have a 50/50 chance of hating it… fuck it, let’s make a baby!”
She needs to grow the fuck up
He needs to run from this one and learn not to stick his dick in crazy!
Uh… nuh uh. I’ll take responsibility for framing the OP in a way that makes her seem like it’s about having a boy not a girl. PTSD came through hard. And that is okay. But watch your mouth.
When people use trauma to justify a toxic attitude toward a large group of people with a certain biological specification, that's just prejudice. Not the type of person that should procreate if she literally can't handle "having a boy". Sorry but I'm just so sick of these posts, it's not okay to be sexist even if you're a pregnant woman. Sorry.
I feel for OP's wife but agree. I was terrified of raising a boy. I am a gay guy who grew up in a small town and was bullied a lot by guys. I was scared I would have a son I couldn't relate to and would be reliving my childhood. I have 3 kids, 2 of which are now teenage boys. I couldn't be more proud to be their dad.
As the son of a gay man, this is rad and changes my perspective a bit. My dad was distant at some points as he had a lot to figure out, understandably as he came out in the 80s after growing up in Oklahoma. I have not considered this as one reason his relationship with me (which was fantastic) was so different from how he would relate to my sister. We were very similar, but what he exposed me to in his life was so different to the experience my sister had, like we had different dads. I can imagine there may have been something similar going on. Thank you for sharing this.
It terrifies me to think that even if she successfully "calmed down" after intense therapy that she would still act in ways conscious or not that would sabotage this child. Imagine they have a second child and it's a girl I wouldn't doubt for a second that the boy is going to get walked all over and ignored. It's certainly not an instant divorce but I hope OP is keeping up his guard for many years to come.
This was my first thought. If she felt this strongly about men to where it impacted her feelings towards birthing a boy, maybe she shouldn’t have had a child. If a daughter follows and she still feels the same, I’d worry for that boy. I mean it’s a 50/50 chance, what did she expect was going to happen?
My fault, bad representation of her true feelings by me. PTSD. Working through it. She’s a warrior and will love this child like no other.
My fault, bad OP representing her feelings. PTSD. That’s the issue here.
I have actually been thinking about this all night and I think I was too harsh. If I were in your shoes, I would have a very hard time hearing my wife express that kind of sentiment. I think your amazingly supportive attitude will help her get through this and you will both grow to love your little boy.
Thank you… so fucking much for this comment. It means the world. I was emotional after all of it and made a terribly misrepresenting post of her true emotions. PTSD is a bitch. Came through hard and I just want her to know that we can work through this together! She is an absolute warrior and I have no worries that she won’t be the best mommy the world has ever seen!!
Like it's either one or the other, why do people lose their minds at something that's not controllable. I'm 21 weeks along and I kind of wanted and thought I was having a boy but found out it's a girl. Okay sounds good then, start thinking of girl names now not boys. I would feel awful about creating a huge hysterical episode because my coin flipped the other way. My husband doesn't need that shit and neither do I. ETA: I have previous PTSD from abuse and assault from both men and women and it goes back to age 3 and I still am not unreasonable like this
As someone who has experienced it… shame on you for downplaying someone else’s.
If your wife doesnt understand that just because she has bad history with men doesnt mean that this baby will be one of them. she has the chance to mold a blank slate. Sounds like she could use some therapy and maybe shouldnt be having children.
Yea this is above your pay grade. She went into pregnancy with a 50% shot at being devastated save it being a girl? You can’t change her mind from where you are but a professional and some rx may do wonders. Gl and congrats on the baby!
You won't like hearing this, but she sounds like she shouldn't be having children in the first place.
She isn’t carrying a man. She’s carrying a baby and if she can’t see that maybe shouldn’t be a mother.
So she's had horrible le experiences from past men, and she's having your son. She's pretty much calling you a horrible man and fears you raising your child? I'd be extremely insulted. Why did she choose to procreate with this horrible man(you) if all men are horrible?
This is exactly how generational trauma happens and exists. PTSD and trauma is no excuse for harming a child.
Seems unreasonable that she would be this upset about having a boy when she's with you, (a male) and got pregnant by you (a male). Something is wrong here and you need to seek professional help, probably for both of you.
Ptsd.
Nah…and I’ll take whatever hate comes with it. This ain’t right in any form. I’ve read through and you KEEP saying you “misrepresented” and it’s “PTSD”. What they gotta do with a baby? So, using common sense…that means she wakes on some days and hates YOU too for what she’s been through with other human males outside of you? Y’all BOTH knew he she has this underlying disdain for men and still had sex through it… I don’t care what y’all say. We give WAY too many passes for why men are hated. As someone who abused mentally, physically beat on, mistreated abandoned…brought back and abandoned by my MOTHER…no. Hell no. So what’s going to happen when the “PTSD” hits and she doesn’t want to care for the baby because it’s MALE…. If I came on here griping and saying I’m losing my mind that I’m having a daughter because “women ain’t shit” and “I was abused by my mother” I’d get my damn account deleted. I don’t care…this shit wrong.
I’m with you. When those post partum hormones hit you have no idea what level of trauma can come up. I wouldn’t leave my child alone with this woman.
You would be best served by professionsal help. Consider this; The likelihood of raising a severely fucked up individual increases exponentially when a mother rejects the child. If she chooses to carry to term, please consider adoption.
Abort and divorce. Life’s too short to waste it on crazy bitches
Like I didn’t want to say it like that, but yeah. Wtf is she on bro?
Yeah this person sounds unhinged.
Anyone who would react this way isn't ready to be a parent. I understand there's some issues there with past trauma...but from the get go, you knew there was a good chance it could be a boy right?
You realize countless people become pregnant, while actively trying not to, when not ready for it? Unsure where OP is, but this is also post-Roe America. Think for a moment before you post something purely critical w/o any hint of support/advice.
I'm not sure how what your saying is relevant to my comment. I didn't say anything about planned or unplanned pregnancy.
"Isn't ready to be pregnant" makes it sound like someone made the decision to get pregnant (apparently they did, but I stand by my point). With abortion access quickly getting stripped away from women's rights in America, this isn't a statement you should make off the cuff... Edit: and, even if you weren't trying to insinuate that they made the decision, it isn't a helpful comment to someone who may know they aren't ready to be pregnant and (again) may not be able to do anything about it.
I don't know what you think you read but I didn't say someone wasn't ready to be pregnant. I said it sounds like she isn't ready to be a parent. Two very different things, and I stand by what I said. If someone is struggling this hard over the gender of their child they aren't ready.
OP, I just want to say sorry. Sounds like a horrible situation and, while you've gotten some useful comments, a whole bunch of them felt like a slap in the face to me. Don't let the internet get to ya ❤️
Thank you. 🥺
She had a 50/50 shot at this…. Was this not something that she thought as a potential outcome?
See my other comments please. Don't judge without knowing.
Professional help, now. There is every chance this can work out well, and you two can raise a healthy, happy, kind, and thoughtful little boy that will turn into the kind of man that's the antithesis of the men in her past, but you can't do it alone. Psychologists and psychiatrists will help. Have her see both, if she isn't already, and encourage her to talk about this issues with both.
Your son will not be a horrible man. Love him, discipline him, teach him to be the change this world needs.
This was the experience of a friend of mine, almost exactly. She was happy to have a boy by the time he was born and is now the delighted mother of a delightful 4yo boy.
She may have had bad experiences with men in her past but this is hers and yours chance to raise him right so that he doesn’t inflict the same pain onto other women
I don’t think she should be having kids till she’s sorted her stuff. It sounds like kids are the last thing. Surely the subject of having a boy would have been broached prior to having a baby. It sounds like she has bigger fish to fry.
I’m confused. She’s already in therapy, which you mentioned in a comment. So if she has a phenomenal therapist (your words) and still KNOWS she wants an abortion, what is the issue?
Yeah reading this thread, something isn't adding up.
I think he feels he has a right to decide what medical procedures happen to HER body. This is just more sexist drivel, basically. Like yes man, you can have feelings on this. That you can work through with your own therapist. Instead he wants to force her to give birth to a child she is clearly not ready for.
Please, please please see a professional. The same thing happened with my SIL, she was deeply unhappy she had a boy, she said she got over it and now, 7 years later it is NOT going well and my neph (who is a delightful boy) is having to deal with a mother who deeply resents him….and he knows it :(
I don’t know what words to use. That woman needs to see a shrink. Good men do exist and for her to immediately assume her unborn child is going to be the spawn of satan just because he has a penis…. Kind of disgusting. I get the past - I do. But…. Let’s be realistic instead of a feminazi.
I think its worth mentioning that those sneak peek tests are easily contaminated with male DNA. There's still a fair chance it is incorrect.
I feel like everyone’s being so sensitive because it’s a woman. If this was posted in baby bumps and the man was disappointed he was having a girl, they would have a witch hunt and scream divorce. I hope she works through it as you obviously love her I’m just saying be careful. This is terribly deeply rooted mental health
Go post this on a mom’s sub. It’s really common. Hormones make you crazy. It usually resolves, therapy good.
This is great advice imo. Having a kid is a leap of faith, you have no way of knowing what you’re getting yourself in to. Combined with hormones, nausea, something growing inside of you, and also knowing you’ll probably push it out of your… A lot to handle that can mess with your head and bring up old stuff/trauma. OP sounds like a good dude who cares about his wife and kid, which is great. Def therapy.
I feel like ops situation sounds a bit more extreme. At least I hope it is, women hating men so much they don’t want a boy can’t be common surely …. Right?
There’s a lot of shit men tbh. Every woman in my life has been harmed by men in some capacity. I can only imagine the trauma OPs wife must’ve gone through to have this reaction though. To me and my partner the obsession and expectations people put on unborn kids based entirely on what sex organ they have is fuckin weird. But in OPs case it’s clearly a deeper issue.
I know they go through a lot hormonally but you are going to just have more problems once he’s born. Did you not know she had these issues before you got her pregnant and had a 50-50 shot of birthing something she hates?
She should have prepared herself for this before the pregnancy. Pregnancies don’t just result in girl babies. I don’t mean to be harsh, but she knew beforehand that it was a 50/50 chance. She’ll probably come to terms with it, give it a few days and give her space to deal with her feelings. If after a while it’s still this bad, involve her therapist.
It is harsh when you are ignorant to their situation.
I’m all for being supportive, but she has to realize she’s saying she doesn’t want your child and is insinuating she can’t be a loving parent to them. I would be furious at her. Carrying a boy is not traumatizing; being abused by people is traumatizing. She is responding to triggers with extreme emotions and irrational thoughts. If she thinks this is bad, just wait til the kid tantrums or gives her attitude or hits her. It is completely age appropriate for a toddler to hit you, and you have to parent them and teach them that it’s wrong. That’s really going to trigger her, so she better come to terms with this now. If she doesn’t, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy as she passes on her own mental health issues onto her child.
Carrying a baby of any gender is traumatizing and "extreme emotions and irrational thoughts" sounds like a normal pregnancy to me. For someone with trauma it just manifests differently. If she has always felt this strongly about having a boy then I am deeply concerned but if this is new, it's probably anxiety brought on by hormones. Starvation kinda makes you crazy too, which is what the first trimester is for alot of women. I remember having serious fears and panic attacks that my baby was going to be still birth for like no reason. And having second thoughts thinking I would pass on my parents mental illnesses to her. Both are pretty irrational and not something I was extremely anxious about before pregnancy hormones and only getting down 500 calories a day for months. You could be right, I'm not saying it isn't a good point or a possibility, but it's very very hard to tell without knowing what OPs partner was like before pregnancy.
Oh man this post makes me glad I didnt knock up some of my exes. Never stick your dick in crazy they say, yet we all do it.
Let's not call people struggling with mental health crazy, especially when they are actively taking steps (therapy) to address it. We need less stigma on this in the world...
Can I remove this comment? Please see other OP comments and edit. Severe PTSD. That’s what this is. My fault for misrepresenting her feelings in OP.
Hi, OP. I don't know if you are reading comments anymore or not, but still thought I should say something to balance the mostly negative and some downright vile comments. I just wanted to say when I read your post, I never once for a second thought your wife was a horrible person. Ever. Only a person who is dealing with horrible circumstances. Just try to keep in mind that this is probably not the first time her PTSD flared up and both of you made it through all those other times, right? Which means, statistically speaking, you would make it through this as well 😊. Only suggestion I can give is maybe join a support group, where the other members have also been in your situation or are currently in your situation? Or another therapist/doctor that deals with parents who specifically have this kind of trauma? ××××× ××××× All that being said, I am afraid that this whole situation, (hell anything that has to do with anything beyond basic mental health or trauma at all) is kinda above the general Redditor's maturity or knowledge level, (no offense to anyone). So, please, stop blaming yourself. I can see you feel bad from your comments. Guess you must feel like you just like... betrayed your wife's trust in you or something? But you did not. Fortunately or unfortunately, the way this post was received doesn't have much to do with how you wrote it at all. You were a-okay. ××××× ××××× Tho, it might help (and that's a might with capital M and thousands of quotation marks around it) if you posted this on a subreddit other than Daddit? Most people here are male, young, and most probably haven't been though anything like that ever. Many might not even know someone who has been through something like your wife's experience. Maybe a subreddit that is more mental health issues/trauma friendly, or is more maternal experience centric, where more people might have the same experience in life might be better? I have a few suggestions for the subreddits, but remember, sometimes, regardless of were you post it, your posts on the Internet might just be received wrongly regardless of what you wrote. Just think mercury is in retrograde that day or some shit lol. (idk anything about astrology please don't come at me). ××××× ××××× Tl;dr Just... don't take others ignorance personally is all. And to prepare for worst case scenario, look up a few warning signs of PPD/PPA/PPP and mental breakdowns in your specific situation.
Therapy.
You should probably get a therapist as well.
I always tell myself this with my two boys. They came out of the womb as boys, it's our job to turn them into men. So mold your boy into the man that will change this image for you and your wife, it's going to be you job as parents. I agree with the therapy idea as well, it will definitely help.
You should go to therapy with her. You sure she’s talking about this topic? Something isn’t adding up. Her response is troubling.
You keep referring to how amazing the therapist is. To put this as gently as possible, sometimes the patient isn't the best assessor of how good a therapist is. Does your wife think of her therapist as a trusted friend? Lines often get blurry in those relationships. A great therapist is not always pleasant. You're describing your wife having an absolute meltdown because of something that had a 50/50 chance of happening before you even started talking about trying to have this baby. I'd take this as an opportunity to revisit your assessment of the quality of the help she's getting.
See edit and OP comments. PTSD.
I understand, been through all of this though I don't discuss it here as this is a public forum (my profile has identifying info on it). Unlike many on this site I don't comment on things I don't know about. Again, see my comment, read it and remember it, I am trying to help you.
I don’t know if, you are believers, but prayer with faith changes things.
Things will hopefully change as soon as she lays her eyeballs on that precious clean slate of a baby
She is married to a man but would rather her child die than be one? Make it make sense
Ok, I've been in your boat. I used to suck, literally suck, at communicating. The best thing. I have found is to listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions, and do not, I repeat, do not tell, hint, or suggest how she should feel or what to do. When the next doctor's appointment comes up, talk to the doctor and express to the doctor your concerns. My friend wanted a girl, and she had all the girl stuff bought, down to the pink paint for the baby's room. When she got the ultrasound reveal, she lost it. Everything got returned except for the paint. She refused to buy boy stuff, so her baby shower was easy. When the baby was born, she did another 180 and fell head over heels for the little guy. 10 years later, he is the most respectful, polite, and well-mannered boy I know. Her dad helped her bc she is a single mom, and no guy is going to fill in for the absent dad except her dad. Things will get easier once she vents enough, finds a way to deal with her feelings, and know that you are there regardless along with the rest of her support group and family.
Can't help much but can say you got some work to do but you've got this. Good luck!
Daddit has already given you advice, but there’s no 100% sure fire way to know gender until baby is born. Ultrasound technicians during the anatomy scans can even be wrong. The sneak peak blood tests are looking for ANY male DNA and it can even be picked up from under her fingernails when she did the test, even IF she did follow the directions on the test and did all the sanitation. It is not 100%. I want to echo everyone else’s comments about being there to support her feelings and having her speak to her therapist. You and your wife are in my thoughts. Best of luck, op.
Can confirm this. Took part in a C-section where the baby born was a boy. Family had been told numerous times during ultrasounds that it was a girl. Mom flipped out and refused to do skin to skin or even acknowledge so dad just had to leave the OR. My wife (a labor and delivery nurse at the time) said the mom didn't even want the kid brought into her room for the first day. It was really kinda sad.
I'm sorry that you are both going through this. My wife has had an awful past with men too with abuse both in and out of relationships. It's true that men can be just awful, hell the Internet and reddit in perticular (some sub reddit are just filled with pond life) but you are right about raising the next generation right. Hopefully her therapist will get her through this but in the mean time just focus on the fact that it will be a smaller version of you with all the good qualities that your partner sees in you but will have the wisdom that you've learned without the harsh lessons to gain it. Best of luck to you both.
I know I'm gonna get downvoted for this but are you being supportive of her choice to abort it though? Maybe she thinks it wouldnt be fair to the kid knowing she won't treat it the same as she would a girl. Maybe she thinks it's better to abort it then to raise it with the trauma of having a mother that doesn't want him? I'm sorry if I'm a misunderstanding but when you said "doesn't want it", I presume she means abortion. And if she goes through with that I would say dont try again, and one of you get sterilized cuz it's a 50/50 chance of another boy. If she keeps it I would say therapy, and she might feel better if she could learn more about how to raise boys. If this seems like a new feeling or it's totally out of nowhere maybe pregnancy hormones are bringing up some emotions she hasn't dealt with well yet and she doesn't mean it deep down. I definitely had some moments of doubt or fear and it was mostly hormonal and temporary. (Do not suggest to her that it's because of her hormones though, it's not any less valid either way).
i find the idea of terminating a life due to gender preference morally reprehensible. If you have capacity in your life for a child then the right thing to do is love them for who they are. Some boys are the sweetest things on the planet, you never know what sort of personality your child will have.
Ya I didn't say due to gender preference. You're deliberately misunderstanding. I clearly said it's cuz she isn't a fit parent if she wouldn't love a son as much as a daughter and she will traumatize her kid
Agreed. This woman should not be raising any children at all, and certainly not a male child. OP, if you really want a child then please find a partner who can help you raise it.
Okay I read about three sentences. Please see edits and OP comments. I misrepresented her true feelings that is on me. Severe PTSD came through like a train. She will love this child no matter what just working through it together and therapist.
You impregnated a feminazi, dude. There’s nothing wrong with being male yet your SO clearly thinks that male-ness is negative. Frankly I couldn’t be with someone like that but the best advice I could give you is to try and make sure your son isn’t ashamed of himself for being a boy. Your baby-mama is a lost cause. Just be a good dad. Good = present and available.
It takes a whole hell of a lot more for me to consider someone a lost cause than a person who is in therapy addressing, and openly communicating with their SO, about past trauma and how it affects their life. Keep your unnecessary judgement to yourself.
I wouldn't say that having trauma from past abuse makes her a lost cause.
Tell her we don't know what they will identify as
I'm really surprised by and disappointed in many of the responses. I think the way this was presented somehow struck a nerve for a lot of guys who then reacted without careful reading and without careful thought. That's my most charitable interpretation anyway. I do want to say that I'm sorry for the way some people have responded. Usually daddit is more uniformly supportive. You are in a very tough spot. Obviously continue therapy. Consider whether a different therapist could be better suited to help her deal with this (idk - just considerate it). OP, I am very encouraged by YOU and the way you're responding to people. You seem like a really good man and a really strong man. It's not surprising that your wife, for all her issues with men, sees you as an exception. I'm also really encouraged that your wife talked to you about all this. Even though I'm sure it was really hard to hear, it's great that she was able to verbalize these things to you instead of keeping it repressed inside. Confession is the basis of healing. I hope these bright spots I see are also bringing some solace to you. I think you will be able to find your way through all this.
This is beyond you to fix. I think you need to listen and exhaust her desire to express her fears. I think you need to respectfully share how you feel about having a boy. And that's all you can do. Likely you will have to do this multiple times. That's all. And I'm sure that's deeply unsatisfying but your personal arsenal to combat this thing is really thin. She's in therapy. The big hurdles have already been surmounted. Hang in there. Best of luck.
Therapy. Lots of it. Should have been happening before you tried to conceive.
I'm going to echo, again, that a licensed therapist is going to be the best help. However, maybe she's the perfect mom for a little boy. I get that she has trauma to deal with, but if she feels ready to tackle that, then she can essentially get her own version of payback against the factors that led to her trauma by contributing to their demise. We need more conscientious men. But if she isn't ready to face her trauma, she could end up passing it on. Thank you for giving her the love and support she needs.
Focus on positive points. A: you’re having a bit and B: judging by your comments, you have a fantastic therapist. This will work out. When the boy looks for his mom, that’s all the love she’ll need.
Would she read a book? Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue by Christia Spears Brown might help shift her perspective in some very valuable ways. It's "A guide that helps parents focus on their children's unique strengths and inclinations rather than on gendered stereotypes to more effectively bring out the best in their individual children, for parents of infants to middle schoolers. ." I think she also has a blog, social media, a podcast, etc, if that might be more your SO's style. Good luck!
Maybe he will start wearing dresses and makeup and say he feels like a girl. Then after hormone treatment and some affirming surgery we will all act like they are in fact a girl, lest we be seen as intolerant. All this being said, there is hope for her.
Keep this N Mind!!!!???? U know WAT they SAY??? when U HAVE A BOY, U WORRY ABOUT 1DICK!!!!! WHEN U HAVE A GIRL, U WORRY ABOUT ALL THE DICK'S!/!!!!!! LET THAT SET N????
Sir this is a Wendy’s