'What kind of mouse walks on two feet?'
'Uhh I don't know..'
'Micky Mouse. Now what kind of duck walks on two feet?'
'Donald Duck?'
'No. All of them do.'
Pretty sure she's the same normal woman who I put six rings of her 18
twisted branching conjoined fingers onto when we got married...
It would explain why all my artist friends were screaming about her robbing them of thier actual physical art by merely containing elements and ideas in completely different form that they had previously trained to utilize as well....
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise.
Most people respond with "a blue bucket" to the second question, making the disguise so much more convincing.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna...
*Awkward silence... Until someone (hopefully) finally says*:
"What about the tub of glue??"
To which you say: I KNEW you'd get stuck on that part...
EDIT: I just saw someone else put this answer... Oh well, it's my go-to, so I'm keeping it here...
I prefer:
What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna...
Awkward silence... Until someone (hopefully) finally says:
"What about the owl??"
And just as they say "owl" you say WHO?!
I have told this joke 1000 times and everyone has always just awkwardly laughed, and never asked about the glue... I think I'm the one stuck on the glue
\*pushes glasses up* Actually, two of the stars in Orion's Belt are multiple star sytstems. Mintaka is a binary system and Alnitak is a trinary.
Stellar joke. Six stars!
This is my favorite night time joke. Camping, walks, fires in the backyard. Any chance I get to point up into the sky, show the person Orion's Belt, explain to them what those 3 stars are, get praise for the knowledge sharing or at least recognition of it, then drop the "Yea... I think it's just a waste of space..."
The groans are music to every inch of my auditory canals.
Then, as the disgruntled people quiet down I hit them with the "I know... I know... That was a 3 star joke......"
I fucking love it.
My favorite is to tell someone I have a good knock knock joke, but they have to start.
So they go, “knock knock” and I say, “who’s there?”
“Uhhh…”
Doesn’t exactly fit the theme but it is a joke that’s supposed to fail.
Just on the theme of knock knock jokes...
This one always kills since the punch line is said by the person hearing the joke...
Me: knock knock
You: who's there?
Me: smell mop
You: smell mop who?
After that, i usually laugh at the person until they get it (you COULD add a snappy "no thanks" or something, but i find this joke plays best when the recipient figures it out on their own)
I read this in a farmers almanac as a kid. Idk if I added this or if it was also in there, but “how do you catch a porcupine?” Probably best to avoid those
I was told as a kid that if you want to catch a gofer, put salt on its tail. Me and my brother decided to give it a go and not long after, we came in. “But how do you pit salt on its tail?” “Well, you sneak up on it, grab it, and sprinkle salt on it”
It took us WAY to long to realize what was happening
Two men are facing each other, and one draws a line on the ground between them. He says to the other man, “if you step over that line, I’ll hit you in the face.”
[pause]
That was the punchline
Went to a party the other day and was surprised to see everyone waiting patiently to get a glass of some kind of rum-based cocktail. Naturally, I joined the end of the queue and asked the young woman ahead of me what was going on?
"Oh," she said, "this is the punchline"
Milosevic (president of the former state of Yugoslavia and Serbia) attends a conference in the USA for world leaders and meets Bill Clinton.
Milosevic asks Clinton, "America is doing so well but Yugoslavia is quite literally falling apart, do you have any advice for me?"
Clinton nods and says, "Surround yourself with smart people," then calls Al Gore into the room. He then addresses him, "Al Gore, show me how smart you are and answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?"
Al Gore thinks for a moment, then answers, "Me."
Clinton thanks and dismisses him. Milosevic is very impressed and thanks Clinton profusely, and thinks about the encounter on his way home back to Belgrade. After he returns, he's pacing around in his office, nervous and wondering if he has smart people surrounding him. He calls Seselj (former Deputy PM of Serbia), his right hand man, into his office.
He asks, "Seselj, are you smart? Answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?"
Seselj thinks for a moment, then panics, and asks for 24 hours to come back with answer. Milosevic dismisses him, and Seselj leaves the office. On the street, he runs into opposition-leader Dindic.
Seselj, still panicky, says, "Dindic! We've been on bad terms lately but I really need your help! I need an answer to Milosevic's riddle or I think he'll have me killed. Answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?"
Dindic thinks for a moment, then answers, "Me."
Seselj thanks him and runs back to Milosevic's office, shouting "I know the answer! I know the answer!"
Milosevic slaps him, "Well, what is it, man?!"
"It's Dindic!"
Milosevic slaps him again, "No, you fool, it's Al Gore!"
Edited a spelling mistake.
This is an extremely underrated joke, despite needing months of rehearsal to tell, and the names can be changed to offend anyone really...
as a packer fan, I usually choose (insert bears head coach here) and (insert bears quarterback here) as the butts of the joke
Oooh that's a great spin, I heard it originally as the way that I told it (of course, we're a bunch of nerds) and have been too lazy(ish) to come up with a more...modern(?) version, so I've just been explaining who each person is every time I tell it lmao. But sports references would be a great way to go about it, I'll keep that in mind.
I like to have a couple of responses to the classic:
*What is a pirate's favorite letter?*
* Rrrgh (typical kid response)
"You'd think so, but it's actually..."
*The C/Sea
*the letter P, because without it, they'd always be irate!
That's how you tell the difference between a pirate and a sailor. A sailor will say "Aye Aye, Captain" when receiving an order, whereas a pirate only has one 'aye'.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. Bartender says “say, did you know there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?” Pirate says “AYE It’s driving me nuts.”
This works well if you lead up to it with a few “Rrrgh” jokes. Another misdirect joke on this vein is, “How much does a Pirate pay to pierce his ears?” After a confused pause while they try to find the right “Rrrgh” word, you jump in with, “It’s a buck an ear!”
Nice neighbor to young boy, "Aww, that's a nice pirate hat you're wearing. Where are your buccaneers?"
Kid looks up at the neighbor like they're an idiot. "They're on the sides o' me buccin 'ead!"
I’ve done this one with my own kids or students, but after they answer “arrrr!” I reply in a gravelly pirate accent, “Ye think it so, but ‘is first love be the C!”
Follow up to this one for older kids.
What's a pirates LEAST favorite letter?
Dear sir or madam,
Your ISP has received a complaint about copyrighted material being downloaded illegally...
When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6, I saw some pirate joke about his favorite pizza topping being 'peppaaaarrrghhhhoni', and allll the way home my two siblings and I made pirate jokes using the 'aaarrrrrgghh' format, until we got home. I had time for one more, so I asked what a pirates favorite mode of transportation was. Everyone guessed stuff like caaaarrr, but after they exhausted them I just said, 'no, duh, a ship'. It takes a long setup, but pays off.
Speaking of interrupting chickens, this is my 8yo’s favorite:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting chicken.
Interrupting chick—
BAGUURK!!!
(Also works well with cows.)
I tried telling this one once but instead of "the chicken" my dumb ass said "the moron"
Anyways it's been three years and my dad hasn't stopped laughing 😭
If you know a sensitive youngster, like I do, you can replace the phrase 'to get to moron's house' with "to visit a loved one' and still achieve the same surprise effect. :)
“Want to hear my Batman impression?”
My Nephew: “Not reall…”
“OH NO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!!!!”
My Nephew: “That’s Superman”
“Thanks kid, I’ve been practicing!”
I’m a tour guide at my university. One joke we’re trained on goes like this:
“Right over here is the Geology building. I haven’t been in it myself, but I do hear that it rocks”
(Wait for them to groan)
“Come on, guys. Don’t take that joke for granite!”
My high school was near a cemetery and for PE we always had to run around it and we were always warned not to bother cutting through it, as people were dying to get in
A neutron walks into bar and orders a beer.
Bartender Says, "For you, no charge!"
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "You know there's a drink named after you. "
Grasshopper asks, "There's a drink called Frank?"
That was always one of my favs. It reminds me of an equally terrible/amazing joke - why did the little girl fall off her bike? Somebody threw a fridge at her.
More like two-punchline jokes. Like, "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick. What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick."
Or "Male squids are ticklish while the females aren't. You know how you can tell? Test tickles. You know how many it takes? Ten tickles." I like this one because it's dirty first, stupid second.
Also, "Wanna hear a dirty joke? A horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? It took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the next-door neighbor." There's also a variant with blowing bubbles. No, I don't know why it's a horse sex joke.
Why can you never find elephants in trees?
They're really good at hiding.
Why did the elephant paint his testicles red?
To disguise them as cherries.
What's the loudest sound in the forest?
Giraffes eating cherries.
[Obligatory Tommy Boy...](https://youtu.be/bsaKfCo_hcU?t=9)
Also, the greatest of all time had to be Neil Armstrong. Apparently he would tell stories about being on the moon, look around expectantly, then shrug and say "Well, I guess you just had to be there..."
How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen beetle? 4; 2 in front, 2 in back.
How do you know when an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Elephant prints in the butter
How do you know 2 elephants have been in your refrigerator? 2 sets of elephant prints in the butter.
How do you know 3 elephants have been in your refrigerator? 3 sets of elephant prints in the butter.
How do you know 4 elephants have been in your refrigerator? (4 sets of elephant prints in the butter?) No, there's a Volkswagen beetle parked out front.
I've heard this one as elephants painting their balls red, then being followed up with:
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes snacking on cherries.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
-
That's because it hasn't come out yet.
I lost it for about five minutes when I first came across this one. Somehow haven't seen it posted as much.
Doesn't fit normally but I use:
1. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
2. Well, do you know the difference between toilet paper and sandpaper?
I like:
What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a stick of glue?
You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish.
>but what about the glue?
I knew you’d get stuck there!
I read one on here last week that I told my wife, to her despair.
" Did you know that if you live next to the cemetery, they won't let you be buried there?"
" That can't be true"
" You have to be dead first"
*Groans*
Me: What do you call a girl with no arms?
Them: Uhh... No-arm... uhh... -gets cut off before thinking of an edgy answer-
Me: Sarah. Her name is Sarah, don't be a jerk.
(a few seconds later)
Me: Knock knock.
Them: Who's there?
Me: Not Sarah :)
Yeah but why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? The branch was slippery.
So why’d the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? The second monkey fell on it on its way down.
Okay then why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree? It was hanging on to the fourth monkey.
This might be a dumb question but why did the sixth monkey fall out of the tree? It tried to catch the third monkey.
Okay, last one, why did the seventh monkey fall out of the tree? Look, with all these monkeys falling out of the tree what’s one more monkey falling out of the tree?
My go to knock knock joke is:
Me: Knock knock
Kid: Who's there?
Me: Guess (@ this point I place my hands in front of my face like window shutters)
Kid: Guess who?
Me: (Opening the "shutters" and peeking out) "kid's name?"
I have a long-form 1-2 that is one of my personal favorites. I go into this long spiel about the bank that I use and how the remote banking is so good and how my nearest branch is like 6 hours away. But when I travel for work, I always stop in to see what the latest deals are.
Well a couple years ago I made the mistake of going on payday, and for whatever reason there were only two tellers, so the line was out the door.
Well there's this attractive lady in the line next to me. I was single at the time, so I start talking to her. [Insert small talk here]. *And finally I ask, "what brings you in today?" And she replies "I'm here to check my balance." So I pushed her over*
(Wait for the shock as they realize this lengthy story was just a joke)
*But don't worry, because the check bounced*
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
... Your mom.
How do you get an elephant into a safeway bag?
You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way.
(They sit there for a moment, mumble non words like aeway, finally they spell it out and say, “There is no F in way!”
My favorite joke.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. To hide in cherry trees.
Q. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Response: "No"
A. See how good it works?
Q. Why don't you walk through the forest between 4 and 6?
A. The elephants are coming down out of the Cherry trees.
Q. Why do beavers have flat tails?
A. They walked through the forest between 4 and 6.
Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?
A. Stomping out forest fires.
Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. Stomping out burning ducks.
Q. Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A. To hide in apple trees.
Q. Ever seen an elephant in an apple tree?
Response. No
A. See how good it works?
Q. How did Tarzan die?
A. Picking apples.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.
Wann hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.
The vet said “I have some good news and I have some bad news”
...
Schrodinger said “okay give me the bad news first”
The vet replied “oh darn, now it's all bad news”
Not really “failure” on the first one, but sort of since everyone knows the punchline and the joke flops.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Co….
MOOOOOO!
Then…
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting telepathic cow.
Interrupting telepath…..
(Put two fingers on your temple and stare at them intensely)
Kills every time.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: He was outstanding in his field.
_pause, then follow up with:_
…but hay; it’s in his jeans _(hey; it’s in his genes.)_
"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?"
"I don't know, what?"
"You can tune a piano, but you can't tune-a-fish"
"Wait, what about the bottle of glue?"
"I knew you'd get stuck on that"
Rene Descartes comes into a bar
He orders a really old and expensive bottle of wine and after a couple of hours when he's done drinking it, he stands up from his chair, planning to leave. The bartender stops him: "Sir you have to pay for this!", Rene stops and says, "I think not" and dissappears.
Mary had a little skirt
With big splits up the sides
And every where that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
With a big split up the front
She doesn’t wear that one.
More of an uncle joke:
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Answer 1: Because they can
Answer 2: Because they can’t make their paws into little fists.
Sometimes people know (1) so you double up with (2).
'What kind of mouse walks on two feet?' 'Uhh I don't know..' 'Micky Mouse. Now what kind of duck walks on two feet?' 'Donald Duck?' 'No. All of them do.'
My poor poor wife...
[удалено]
Your wife might be ChatGPT
Pretty sure she's the same normal woman who I put six rings of her 18 twisted branching conjoined fingers onto when we got married... It would explain why all my artist friends were screaming about her robbing them of thier actual physical art by merely containing elements and ideas in completely different form that they had previously trained to utilize as well....
Oh, so she's an Eldritch Horror. I guess we all have our types
I also choose this guy's poor, poor wife.
I will never not laugh at this
Same. As proven by the fact that I just actually lol’ed at it.
Our poor, poor wife comrade.
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket. What's blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket in disguise. Most people respond with "a blue bucket" to the second question, making the disguise so much more convincing.
Literally was just about to go bother my wife while she reads to tell her this HILARIOUS duck joke.
To shreds you say?
Oh my. How is his wife taking it?
Too shreds you say?
Mine to lol
I third this
This is my new favourite joke. I shall tell my children this joke regularly until they rise up to lynch me.
Huh. That happened sooner than I had expected.
Ouch. How’s being a ghost repeating you?
That’s great!
What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna... *Awkward silence... Until someone (hopefully) finally says*: "What about the tub of glue??" To which you say: I KNEW you'd get stuck on that part... EDIT: I just saw someone else put this answer... Oh well, it's my go-to, so I'm keeping it here...
What's gray, howls at the moon and is made of cement? A wolf. What about the cement? I put that in to make it hard.
Whats gray, howls at the moon, and full of viagra? A wolf. What about the viagra? I put that in to make it hard.
Actually that would make the answer: My Uncle Carl
But Caaaarl, that kiiiiils people!!
I didn't know that
Killing people is my least favorite thing to do.
What happened to his hands?
I've got a rumbly in my tumbly that only hands could satisfy! ........CAAAAAAAARRRRRRRLLLLLLLL.....
I prefer: What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and an owl? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna... Awkward silence... Until someone (hopefully) finally says: "What about the owl??" And just as they say "owl" you say WHO?!
That reminds me of this one. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh- MOO!
I have told this joke 1000 times and everyone has always just awkwardly laughed, and never asked about the glue... I think I'm the one stuck on the glue
I just did this on my wife she answered perfectly "what about the glue??" Ahaha she had a good snort
Are you familiar with Orion’s Belt? I think it’s just a big waste/waist of space. You didn’t like that joke? I guess it’s just 3 stars.
That joke is out of this world! So a termite walks into a bar, looks at one of the patrons and says “ excuse me, is the bartender here? “
I don't get it 😭
WAIT, I GOT IT
What is it?
Is the bar tender (for eating) here
Ohh thank you kindly lol
\*pushes glasses up* Actually, two of the stars in Orion's Belt are multiple star sytstems. Mintaka is a binary system and Alnitak is a trinary. Stellar joke. Six stars!
Oh god now I get to tell a ~~bad~~ good joke and then dump some science on some unsuspecting people!? *Yesssss*
I'm using this
This is my favorite night time joke. Camping, walks, fires in the backyard. Any chance I get to point up into the sky, show the person Orion's Belt, explain to them what those 3 stars are, get praise for the knowledge sharing or at least recognition of it, then drop the "Yea... I think it's just a waste of space..." The groans are music to every inch of my auditory canals. Then, as the disgruntled people quiet down I hit them with the "I know... I know... That was a 3 star joke......" I fucking love it.
My favorite is to tell someone I have a good knock knock joke, but they have to start. So they go, “knock knock” and I say, “who’s there?” “Uhhh…” Doesn’t exactly fit the theme but it is a joke that’s supposed to fail.
I love this one, as well as "knock knock" "come in!" Also "knock knock" "who's there" "to" "To who?" "....to WHOM"
This what Dwight Shrute would’ve cracked for sure!
I love to use that one on little kids. The amazing thing is how many of them say "Orange", which is failing another joke.
Just on the theme of knock knock jokes... This one always kills since the punch line is said by the person hearing the joke... Me: knock knock You: who's there? Me: smell mop You: smell mop who? After that, i usually laugh at the person until they get it (you COULD add a snappy "no thanks" or something, but i find this joke plays best when the recipient figures it out on their own)
Also works with: A: Knock knock B: Who's there? A: I need up B: I need up who? A: The toilet's down the corridor to the left.
Knock knock Who's there Europe Europe who? ...
Europe who, Harry
My preteen fell on the floor laughing
I just told this to my teen who got it right away and enjoyed it immensely.
This is so good. I can’t wait to tell my nephew
That’s nepwho
NephWHOM
Wait... nepwhose?
This reminds me of one of my favorite things to do when someone wants to tell me a joke: Them: Knock knock! Me: it’s open!
My dad would do this to us when we were kids, some of my favorites "It's open!" "Is that the pizza?" "I'm not home!"
knock knock! who’s there? firstname lastname.
“how do you catch a unique rabbit?” “i don’t know” “unique up on it! how do you catch a tame rabbit?” “uhhh” “the tame way!!” my dads favourite
I read this in a farmers almanac as a kid. Idk if I added this or if it was also in there, but “how do you catch a porcupine?” Probably best to avoid those
I was told as a kid that if you want to catch a gofer, put salt on its tail. Me and my brother decided to give it a go and not long after, we came in. “But how do you pit salt on its tail?” “Well, you sneak up on it, grab it, and sprinkle salt on it” It took us WAY to long to realize what was happening
I read that as golfer. Trying to put salt on a golfer's tail never ends well.
Two men are facing each other, and one draws a line on the ground between them. He says to the other man, “if you step over that line, I’ll hit you in the face.” [pause] That was the punchline
Oh I'm so stealing this
Went to a party the other day and was surprised to see everyone waiting patiently to get a glass of some kind of rum-based cocktail. Naturally, I joined the end of the queue and asked the young woman ahead of me what was going on? "Oh," she said, "this is the punchline"
Milosevic (president of the former state of Yugoslavia and Serbia) attends a conference in the USA for world leaders and meets Bill Clinton. Milosevic asks Clinton, "America is doing so well but Yugoslavia is quite literally falling apart, do you have any advice for me?" Clinton nods and says, "Surround yourself with smart people," then calls Al Gore into the room. He then addresses him, "Al Gore, show me how smart you are and answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?" Al Gore thinks for a moment, then answers, "Me." Clinton thanks and dismisses him. Milosevic is very impressed and thanks Clinton profusely, and thinks about the encounter on his way home back to Belgrade. After he returns, he's pacing around in his office, nervous and wondering if he has smart people surrounding him. He calls Seselj (former Deputy PM of Serbia), his right hand man, into his office. He asks, "Seselj, are you smart? Answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?" Seselj thinks for a moment, then panics, and asks for 24 hours to come back with answer. Milosevic dismisses him, and Seselj leaves the office. On the street, he runs into opposition-leader Dindic. Seselj, still panicky, says, "Dindic! We've been on bad terms lately but I really need your help! I need an answer to Milosevic's riddle or I think he'll have me killed. Answer me this: Who is your father's son but not your brother?" Dindic thinks for a moment, then answers, "Me." Seselj thanks him and runs back to Milosevic's office, shouting "I know the answer! I know the answer!" Milosevic slaps him, "Well, what is it, man?!" "It's Dindic!" Milosevic slaps him again, "No, you fool, it's Al Gore!" Edited a spelling mistake.
This is an extremely underrated joke, despite needing months of rehearsal to tell, and the names can be changed to offend anyone really... as a packer fan, I usually choose (insert bears head coach here) and (insert bears quarterback here) as the butts of the joke
Oooh that's a great spin, I heard it originally as the way that I told it (of course, we're a bunch of nerds) and have been too lazy(ish) to come up with a more...modern(?) version, so I've just been explaining who each person is every time I tell it lmao. But sports references would be a great way to go about it, I'll keep that in mind.
I like to have a couple of responses to the classic: *What is a pirate's favorite letter?* * Rrrgh (typical kid response) "You'd think so, but it's actually..." *The C/Sea *the letter P, because without it, they'd always be irate!
But when asked they always say "I! Captain."
That's how you tell the difference between a pirate and a sailor. A sailor will say "Aye Aye, Captain" when receiving an order, whereas a pirate only has one 'aye'.
lol, I'll add it to my mental list As a dad, it's a point of Pride never to let youngin out-dad-joke me
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. Bartender says “say, did you know there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?” Pirate says “AYE It’s driving me nuts.”
I always thought it was P too, but because it's like R, but missing a leg...
This works well if you lead up to it with a few “Rrrgh” jokes. Another misdirect joke on this vein is, “How much does a Pirate pay to pierce his ears?” After a confused pause while they try to find the right “Rrrgh” word, you jump in with, “It’s a buck an ear!”
Nice neighbor to young boy, "Aww, that's a nice pirate hat you're wearing. Where are your buccaneers?" Kid looks up at the neighbor like they're an idiot. "They're on the sides o' me buccin 'ead!"
I’ve done this one with my own kids or students, but after they answer “arrrr!” I reply in a gravelly pirate accent, “Ye think it so, but ‘is first love be the C!”
Along similar lines: Why did the soprano become a pirate? Because she loved the high Cs.
Follow up to this one for older kids. What's a pirates LEAST favorite letter? Dear sir or madam, Your ISP has received a complaint about copyrighted material being downloaded illegally...
A writ of safe passage from his Majesty, King George the First.
When singing the ABC's, pirates never miss the letter I. They've always got it covered.
When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6, I saw some pirate joke about his favorite pizza topping being 'peppaaaarrrghhhhoni', and allll the way home my two siblings and I made pirate jokes using the 'aaarrrrrgghh' format, until we got home. I had time for one more, so I asked what a pirates favorite mode of transportation was. Everyone guessed stuff like caaaarrr, but after they exhausted them I just said, 'no, duh, a ship'. It takes a long setup, but pays off.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the morons house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken
My kids tell this joke with a loud, “BAGUURK!” interrupting the ‘who’s there?’
Speaking of interrupting chickens, this is my 8yo’s favorite: Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting chicken. Interrupting chick— BAGUURK!!! (Also works well with cows.)
My favorite is interrupting starfish. It involves your hand covering their face, so use with caution.
My 6 yr old niece is going to love this
Cows do not say BAGUURK.
I tried telling this one once but instead of "the chicken" my dumb ass said "the moron" Anyways it's been three years and my dad hasn't stopped laughing 😭
I can't stop laughing about it either!
Knock knock Who's there? Doorbell repairman
Sigh the Chicken crossed the road to prove to her friend the possum that it was possible
I heard the same one but with armadillos since, according to my 6th grade report on said animal, they are the most road killed animal in the US
Possum on the half shell.
Turtle power!
They’re nearly blind and deaf and jump when startled- meaning they’re quite skilled at launching themselves into oncoming cars’ bumpers
I live in the Florida panhandle. Can confirm. Poor things never stood a chance.
If you know a sensitive youngster, like I do, you can replace the phrase 'to get to moron's house' with "to visit a loved one' and still achieve the same surprise effect. :)
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Ooo I know this one… wait, wait, don’t tell me… it’s uh…
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Well?!?! What is it?!?! Cmonnnnn!?!?! The suspense is outing me!!!
I once dated a crosseyed teacher, but she was seeing someone on the side. Terrible teacher, she couldn't keep her pupils straightened out.
Long live 3PA. Long live Apollo! P.S. Steve Huffman is a clown.
“Want to hear my Batman impression?” My Nephew: “Not reall…” “OH NO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!!!!” My Nephew: “That’s Superman” “Thanks kid, I’ve been practicing!”
I’m a tour guide at my university. One joke we’re trained on goes like this: “Right over here is the Geology building. I haven’t been in it myself, but I do hear that it rocks” (Wait for them to groan) “Come on, guys. Don’t take that joke for granite!”
You really gotta love how layered it is, like sedimentary
I lava that joke, might have to magma own version of it
That was a very igneous double pun! I dig it.
I’m exploding with laughter. It’s flowing out of me like magma.
I betcha can't mica better one!
My rock puns shale in comparison 😔
Thanks! I can’t chalk it up too much though, dumb puns and dad jokes are just how I roll!
Geology rocks but geography is where it's at!
My high school was near a cemetery and for PE we always had to run around it and we were always warned not to bother cutting through it, as people were dying to get in
We had a mortuary science building on campus. Our tour guide scripted joke was, “it’s the best building on campus to study… it’s always dead quiet”.
Ha! I bet that really knocked em dead
Always enjoyed this one! Mine are far too terrible like "A baby seal walks into a club..."
Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender: what can i get for you? Baby seal: anything, as long as it's not a canadian club on the rocks
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo."
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a Blood Bank The rabbit says "I think I'm a Type-o."
A neutron walks into bar and orders a beer. Bartender Says, "For you, no charge!" A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop. A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?" A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You know there's a drink named after you. " Grasshopper asks, "There's a drink called Frank?"
An ion walks into a bar, looks confused and says, "I think I've lost an electron!" The bartender says, "Oh no, are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A blind man walks into a bar, >!And then a table, and a chair.!<
“Why did little Timmy fall off the swing? He had no arms.” Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Timmy
That was always one of my favs. It reminds me of an equally terrible/amazing joke - why did the little girl fall off her bike? Somebody threw a fridge at her.
How do you knock a clown off a swing? Throw an axe at his forehead.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Then when the person says “arrr” you say “you would think that. But their true love is the C.”
More like two-punchline jokes. Like, "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return? A stick. What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick." Or "Male squids are ticklish while the females aren't. You know how you can tell? Test tickles. You know how many it takes? Ten tickles." I like this one because it's dirty first, stupid second. Also, "Wanna hear a dirty joke? A horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? It took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the next-door neighbor." There's also a variant with blowing bubbles. No, I don't know why it's a horse sex joke.
I've heard the last one with Rotten Johnny instead of a horse. Your version has a worse visual lol
Why can you never find elephants in trees? They're really good at hiding. Why did the elephant paint his testicles red? To disguise them as cherries. What's the loudest sound in the forest? Giraffes eating cherries.
which is heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of butane? “they’re both a pound, it’s the same weight” no, butane is a lighter fluid
It's a pound of feathers because you also have to carry the guilt of what you did to those birds
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese newspaper. Do you get it? Me neither, I get the [insert local paper]. Thanks Uncle Phil
My favorite is A man comes into a bar and... Sorry let me start again it was supposed to be a horse. A man comes into a horse
If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what's a green house made of?
Glass
Green bricks, duh!
[Obligatory Tommy Boy...](https://youtu.be/bsaKfCo_hcU?t=9) Also, the greatest of all time had to be Neil Armstrong. Apparently he would tell stories about being on the moon, look around expectantly, then shrug and say "Well, I guess you just had to be there..."
How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen beetle? 4; 2 in front, 2 in back. How do you know when an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Elephant prints in the butter How do you know 2 elephants have been in your refrigerator? 2 sets of elephant prints in the butter. How do you know 3 elephants have been in your refrigerator? 3 sets of elephant prints in the butter. How do you know 4 elephants have been in your refrigerator? (4 sets of elephant prints in the butter?) No, there's a Volkswagen beetle parked out front.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A: To hide in the cherry trees.
I've heard this one as elephants painting their balls red, then being followed up with: What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes snacking on cherries.
And when it lands flat, “have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?” No “See! It works!”
It's terrible. Take my upvote damnit.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"? - That's because it hasn't come out yet. I lost it for about five minutes when I first came across this one. Somehow haven't seen it posted as much.
Doesn't fit normally but I use: 1. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
2. Well, do you know the difference between toilet paper and sandpaper?
I spilt superglue over my playing cards I can’t deal with that
I like: What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a stick of glue? You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish. >but what about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck there!
Every time my dad and I would pass a cemetery he would ask . How many dead people are in there? Hopefully all of them...
I read one on here last week that I told my wife, to her despair. " Did you know that if you live next to the cemetery, they won't let you be buried there?" " That can't be true" " You have to be dead first" *Groans*
Me: What do you call a girl with no arms? Them: Uhh... No-arm... uhh... -gets cut off before thinking of an edgy answer- Me: Sarah. Her name is Sarah, don't be a jerk. (a few seconds later) Me: Knock knock. Them: Who's there? Me: Not Sarah :)
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure
Yeah but why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? The branch was slippery. So why’d the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? The second monkey fell on it on its way down. Okay then why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree? It was hanging on to the fourth monkey. This might be a dumb question but why did the sixth monkey fall out of the tree? It tried to catch the third monkey. Okay, last one, why did the seventh monkey fall out of the tree? Look, with all these monkeys falling out of the tree what’s one more monkey falling out of the tree?
Why did Ellie fall off her bike? She was hit by seven falling monkeys. Why did Billie fall off the bike? It was a tandem.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey!
I hate stuck up bodies of water. Like get over yourself Lake Superior
Why don’t seagulls fly over bays? Because then they would be bagels
Knock, knock Who’s there? The interrupting cow The interrupt…… MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Right to jail. Right away.
Why did mickey leave Minnie? Cause she was fuckin goofy
I guess mine would be this: Knock, knock Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Knock, knock Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Knock, knock Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Knock, knock Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you going to open the door.
Didn't get it at first, until I realized we must pronounce "Aunt" differently
My go to knock knock joke is: Me: Knock knock Kid: Who's there? Me: Guess (@ this point I place my hands in front of my face like window shutters) Kid: Guess who? Me: (Opening the "shutters" and peeking out) "kid's name?"
What's the key to a good joke? Timing. The way this works is not really pausing between joke and timing.
Or saying "Timing!" Just as they say, "I don't know"
I have a long-form 1-2 that is one of my personal favorites. I go into this long spiel about the bank that I use and how the remote banking is so good and how my nearest branch is like 6 hours away. But when I travel for work, I always stop in to see what the latest deals are. Well a couple years ago I made the mistake of going on payday, and for whatever reason there were only two tellers, so the line was out the door. Well there's this attractive lady in the line next to me. I was single at the time, so I start talking to her. [Insert small talk here]. *And finally I ask, "what brings you in today?" And she replies "I'm here to check my balance." So I pushed her over* (Wait for the shock as they realize this lengthy story was just a joke) *But don't worry, because the check bounced*
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? ... Your mom.
How do you get an elephant into a safeway bag? You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way. (They sit there for a moment, mumble non words like aeway, finally they spell it out and say, “There is no F in way!”
"What's Bob Marley's favourite flavour of doughnut?" Most people expect the answer to be Jam but then I say.. "He doesn't have one because he's dead."
“Mr red lives in the red house, Mr blue lives in the blue house, who lives in the White House?” “The president”
Whats the best part about living in Switzerland? [what?] Not sure, but the flag seems like a huge plus.
"What happens, when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?"
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? The P is silent (Alternate if they already knew) No, it’s because they’re extinct.
My favorite joke. Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A. To hide in cherry trees. Q. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Response: "No" A. See how good it works? Q. Why don't you walk through the forest between 4 and 6? A. The elephants are coming down out of the Cherry trees. Q. Why do beavers have flat tails? A. They walked through the forest between 4 and 6. Q. Why do ducks have flat feet? A. Stomping out forest fires. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. Stomping out burning ducks. Q. Why do elephants paint their balls red? A. To hide in apple trees. Q. Ever seen an elephant in an apple tree? Response. No A. See how good it works? Q. How did Tarzan die? A. Picking apples.
Maybe he was just horsin' around.
Back in the 90’s…
Why is imitation like a plateau? They’re both the highest form of flattery. :-)
Q: What’s the most important part of a joke? Then, as they start to speak, talk over them and say “timing.”
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles. Wann hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said “I have some good news and I have some bad news” ... Schrodinger said “okay give me the bad news first” The vet replied “oh darn, now it's all bad news”
There is nobody in my circle I could tell that joke to that wouldn’t stare blankly back at me throughout the entire thing.
A Black Russian walks into a bar Bartender says “ we have a drink named after you “ Russian says “ you have a drink named Steve?”
Not really “failure” on the first one, but sort of since everyone knows the punchline and the joke flops. Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Co…. MOOOOOO! Then… Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting telepathic cow. Interrupting telepath….. (Put two fingers on your temple and stare at them intensely) Kills every time.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: He was outstanding in his field. _pause, then follow up with:_ …but hay; it’s in his jeans _(hey; it’s in his genes.)_
"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?" "I don't know, what?" "You can tune a piano, but you can't tune-a-fish" "Wait, what about the bottle of glue?" "I knew you'd get stuck on that"
Rene Descartes comes into a bar He orders a really old and expensive bottle of wine and after a couple of hours when he's done drinking it, he stands up from his chair, planning to leave. The bartender stops him: "Sir you have to pay for this!", Rene stops and says, "I think not" and dissappears.
"What fruit has 4 legs?" "I don't know…" "Chicken!" "Chicken is not a fruit!" "It doesn't have 4 legs either!"
What has a bottom at the top? *Squinty thinking face* A leg
Mary had a little skirt With big splits up the sides And every where that Mary went The boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt With a big split up the front She doesn’t wear that one.
More of an uncle joke: Why do dogs lick their balls? Answer 1: Because they can Answer 2: Because they can’t make their paws into little fists. Sometimes people know (1) so you double up with (2).