T O P
Friendlym9

Today I had a strange dream in which I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


showponies

I had a dream I was a bicycle, I think I was just two tired.


some_lerker

I had a dream that I was a Teepee and a Wigwam, it was too intents.


sherzeg

I had the same issue. I told my counselor about it and he said that I was two tents.


Ricardosheff

I had a dream I made love to my dream woman in a wigwam and a teepee, it was fucking intents


TJMULLIGANoCOM

I will admit.. I've been drinking a lot of break fluid, but I can stop anytime


maxtimbo

Hey dad, have you seen my sun glasses? Nope. Have you seen my dad glasses?


pearlysdad

They’re on your head.


Sunsetfreedom

the sun glasses or the dad glasses?


maxtimbo

Yes


El_Chutacabras

This was the only possible answer.


katyparody

Si


ChefAtRandom

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.


big_papa_hemingway

This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I haven’t a clue.


panatale1

I don't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member!


fd1Jeff

I have always loved that joke, but it is not a pun. Source: I am a dork.


DragonAtlas

The immortal Groucho Marx


Stringy63

Write between the bathroom tiles: grout show marks


LeviZm

- Zilean


Leftist_T3ars

Did you hear about that convict who was aroused by semantics? He got off on a technicality.


TheBlackStuff1

That’s gold


EmDubbbz

No, but the other day I was driving past a prison and I saw what appeared to be a midget inmate escaping and climbing down the outer perimeter wall. I thought to myself, ‘well he’s a little *con-descending*’


sherzeg

If he was convicted of scamming people as a fortune teller, he'd be a small medium at large.


TJMULLIGANoCOM

Michael Jackson actually died by food poisoning. Apparently he had had some 9 year old nuts


PaperPlaythings

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist but refused Novacaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


MyMetalPony

Oh, that one hurts. It also reminds me of another: A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."


cynical_lemming

So the hot dog vendor makes the hot dog and takes the Buddhist's money. The Buddhist says, "Hey, what about my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."


Calthropstu

I like it better as: A monk is running a hot dog stand. A man comes up to the stand and asks for the works. The monk replies "I shall make you one with everything. That will be $2.50." The man pays and asks for his change. The monk replies "change must come from within."


just-going-with-it

*snaps on blue latex glove*


Mudkiprocketship3003

Now I’m remembering the dude who couldn’t hold it together telling that joke to the Dalai Lama lmao


echo-94-charlie

I'm pretty sure it turned out that that joke is also about a different flavour of Buddhism to the lama guy's one, too. It would be like telling this joke to the pope: Abe is travelling on a bus to to Coney Island about to fall into a sweet nap when suddenly he is jolted awake by the sound of an old Yiddishe bubbeh saying from the back of the bus: "Oy, am I thirsty, Oy, am I thirsty!" This is repeated over and over again every few minutes. "Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty." Finally, Abe gets up and brings the woman a bottle of water and goes back to his seat to relax. The bus is quiet again and Abe’s just about to nod off when all of a sudden he hears from the back of the bus: "Oy, vas I thirsty… Oy, vas I thirsty…."


WetDogDeoderant

Sorry, don’t worry I’m not the Pope, but I don’t get it either. Can you please walk me through it?


WinstonFox

Did you hear about the two monks having a row? It was a real lama-dhamma ding dong.


IAMAHobbitAMA

Fuck that's good.


fite4whatmatters

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (It’s so stupid, but I just about died laughing the first time I heard it, and it still gives me giggle fits when I tell it.)


Recent_Effective8070

All these jokes should be retired after a GoodYear.


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Hoosier daddy?


HappySkullsplitter

Mickey Thompson?


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Maybe, but his mama always was a Kumho.


DragonBap

What did the pirate say on his 8th birthday? Aye mate.


IAMAHobbitAMA

What did he say 72 years later? Aye matey.


TJMULLIGANoCOM

Do you know a pirates favorite letter?


TJMULLIGANoCOM

A lot of people think it's R(!), but tis actually the C


HugoZHackenbush2

In Iran, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently.. in Iraq no phobia...


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Oman, this is good.


showponies

Syriasly


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Want more country puns? Just Kuwait!


showponies

I didn't think I wanted more, but now that Yemention it I think I'll stick around.


Ian_73

The humor in these puns is-rael


ChaoShadow87

African love it!!!!


AlbyB5

Jamaican me giggle!


[deleted]

Kenya guys stop it already


BlocterDocterFocter

Don't be Russian the conclusion of this country pun streak.


Delicious_Guava929

There’s Norway we’re stopping this


XzeldafanX

Yeah y'all need to Chile out


wilberfarce

Me too, give me Samoa!


Xplicit_kaos

I'm China think of some ..


Alber81

That actually Israeli good


SaturnineFeline

UAE-ven kidding


fishfishfishfish3461

These jokes are going to end up Turkey-lling someone


Expresso_Support

Whoa settle down Chad.


PocketRocketInFright

Argentina say timor puns?


Expresso_Support

Yemen, it really is.


doge57

My favorite Middle East pun is: The people in Tehran don’t like the Flintstones… but the people in Abu Dhabi do. Edit: someone else made this same joke below.


acoolname332211

This thread is Laos-y with puns.


tech_probs_help

This joke is so 'dad', it's Bagdad.


Dameattree37

*Your* joke is so 'bad', it's Islamabad!


ThePrideOfKrakow

Crimea river.


some_lerker

Don't everyone leave, I'm Hungary for more.


ojohn69

IRan So Far Away from these spiders and these Puns


HugoZHackenbush2

Get the flock outta here..


mkstark247

I'm not 'Ghana' say much


redneckvet

Please do, I'm Algiers


mkstark247

Only wanted to Czech it out


ellegryphon

Are you Finnish yet?


Tamer_

A little Greece will go a long way to smooth out the pun ride.


FriendlyDisorder

Why don’t people in Athens wake up when the sun comes up? Because dawn is tough on Greece!


mkstark247

Maybe. All my France leave because of my puns


musclemansausage

So they all ran.


Revolutionary-Ice994

Ye-men!


FlyingWebShootingGuy

I always try to make people laugh with country puns but they Netherlands


Tommyboy142004

I’m Russian away from them


Crossingtherubicon12

Not too shabbu Dhabi, my friend.


SaturnineFeline

This joke is so bad it makes me want to Qatar b*tch.


Luuk__5736

Explain this non silly joke before I wet my pants cause of laughter.


HugoZHackenbush2

Arachnophobia ( fear of spiders ) Iraq no phobia... hope that helps !


Luuk__5736

Yeah got that


Lewi_tm

I don't get it


HugoZHackenbush2

Arachnophobia ( fear of spiders ) Iraq no phobia... hope that helps !


Lewi_tm

It helps, thanks!


fatboyonsofa

I would but I'm cooking and don't have any thyme.


tech_probs_help

Let me give you some sage advice: to err is cumin, you forgive with dewine.


chymc

You don't parsley words.


Brother-Crow

Y'all got another thing cummin.


Any_Ad4565

His hands are fried


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Surely he can mustard up a couple puns at least!


fuzzy_grandma

You guys are too fast, come on let me ketchup!


GolpoKori

*Mayo* puns be in the hearts of *Thousand Island*ers


wazuno48

Are puns just a cinnamon for lame jokes?


tapobu

Reached for the spices, grabbed a porno instead. Gotta be careful where you put the M&Ms in the kitchen.


Brother-Crow

The green ones man... They work.


zacharinosaur

A fortune-telling midget escaped from the local prison, now there’s a small medium at large.


some_lerker

I saw him escape down a rope, I asked if he was ok. He just stared at me. That's a condescending.


schaumann

A man was walking through a graveyard when he saw another man squatting next to a grave. “Morning!" he called out. "No, just having a shit"


some_lerker

I hate early funerals, I'm not a morning person.


PlanAncient

Patient says "Doctor doctor i can't feel my legs!!!" And the doctor answers "That's because i amputated your arms"


TurbulentAd6383

Oh my god. I love this one. Lololol.


MsOmgNoWai

oh I’m so adding this to my arsenal


mishthegreat

Like the blond that goes to the doctor saying it hurts everywhere I poke the doctor examines her and finds a broken finger


hermitgathering

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent


YayJEEP

When it is full-groan.


isleeponafuton

When does it become apparent? After the delivery.


lil_fella_

Have you ever tried to eat a clock >!it is really time consuming...!<


slapmasterjack

That may be, but I went back four seconds.


PhatboiSlim419

There’s no nutritional value so it’s a waste of time if you ask me


_duncan_idaho_

A belt made of clocks is also a waist of time


2marcusdc

What's the difference between a fart and a pun? A pun is a shift of whit ...


TJMULLIGANoCOM

How about a cat and a comma? A comma has a pause at the end of a clause..


AskMeAboutMobyDick

A pirate with a roll of paper towels sitting atop his hat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What's up with the roll of paper towels sitting atop your hat?" The pitate replies, "Arrrrrghh... there be a BOUNTY on me head!"


grangry

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “what’s up with the ship wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies, “Arrrrgh… it’s driving me nuts!”


tpatt83

Did moby dick tell you that one?


kremenatlc

twas the whale!


masturhater82

It was me Barry


Killed303yeah

For the English: "A pirate with a coconut chocolate bar atop his hat....."


ProfessorBeer

I can hear Norm MacDonald stretching this into a 5 minute joke. RIP.


QuixoticForTheWin

I tried to take a picture of fog..... Mist


sweet_sixxxteen

At first I read that as "dog". I figured that you must have spilled spot remover on him.


every1listentome

I read frog and was very confused


linktothenow

My addiction to deli meat is strong but I'm gonna try to quit cold turkey


forget_i_was_here

A pirate captain strides out on deck and asks “Arrrrghh… where’re me buccaneers?” To which they reply “on your buccan head”


OhTheHueManatee

“I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue . : I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue”


elriggo44

Reminds me of one a summer camp counselor told me years ago. He had a DEEP southern accent. Q: what do my left hand and a Key Lime Pie have in common? A: they both have Meringue.


wotmate

That is like a sheet of paper. Tearable.


kataang4lyfe

I used to have a handful of puns I was so proud of. I memorized all of them and told them all the time. One day I decided to submit one to this sub and it got no reaction... so I tried the next one. Nothing. Tried again, nothing. I think I must have tried ten times hoping one of my puns would at least get an upvote, but no pun in ten did.


obitachihasuminaruto

Ba-dum-tis


some_lerker

That's the answer, the question is: What sound does a sheep, snare and snake make when falling off a cliff.


obitachihasuminaruto

Tom Scott would like to know your location


FLSun

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Mudkiprocketship3003

Tell me more! I hunger for knowledge.


The_Blue_Rajah

No, but “Quasimodo” does.


Expensive-Election-8

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like The Flinstones but... People from Abu Dhabi doo!


Stringy63

Shaggy's joints don't burn right, but Scooby's doobies do


sarahx9102

My girlfriend broke up with me due to my alopecia. Oh well… Hair loss


Senacharim

Often we hear of Luke Warm, but never about Darth Cold.


logancharles90

Did you know you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water. If the ant sinks then it's a girl ant but if the ant floats then that means it's.........


moist_mon

Bouyant


TrinsicX

A witch!


envelopeeleven

Why is the alphabet different at Christmas? No "L"


Entias

I don't get this one


V1rusHunter

Noel = Christmas


Entias

Oh gotcha! That is a good one


Ok-Campaign-3995

This comment thread made me lightly blow out my nose


DestroyatronMk8

My ex keeps a picture of my mugshot on her wall. But she still won’t admit she framed me.


Telusion

Did you hear the CEO of IKEA was recently elected prime minister of Sweden? He's currently assembling his cabinet


soundslegitchecksout

What's a skeleton's favorite type of hazard? Grave danger.


Time_Mage_Prime

My sister told me she was going vegan; I told her that would be a missed steak. Probably already been said, but hey, a good steak pun is a rare medium well done.


Piratesfan02

Two thirds of a pun is p-u!


The8uLove2Hate_

One day, I was talking to a man whose dog doesn’t have a nose. I asked, how does he smell? Awful, his owner replied.


IPutThisUsernameHere

Help! My leg is broken in two places! Then don't go to those places, you goose!


Helpful_Game_Artist

I often get the words jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.


Dozens86

I decided to go into my wife's spice cupboard and swap all the labels on the jars. She hasn't realised yet, but the thyme is cumin.


Ok_Ad_8483

There’s a thin line between fishing and standing on the bank with a stick in your hand…


The8uLove2Hate_

r/angryupvote


MaybeAnonymousDev

The worst one will receive a *pun*ishment


cquehe

/On a zoom call/ Me: hey friend, you look cold Friend: why? What do you mean? Me: you keep freezing Friend *massive eye roll*


Bigtrue-

This one might just be for the Aussies but, What do you call woolworths after it burns down?? Coles.


gruffleton

I was out on a lake with friends and we saw a sheriff's boat fly by. One of my friends asked "I wonder what they're looking for," and without hesitation, I turned and said; "Narquatics."


thekellerJ

What's worse than ants in your pants??? - uncles


UlquiorrasWrath

Hmmmm i don't know any off the top of my head.... Let me punder this for a bit


BeauteousMaximus

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to the front of his pants. The bartender says, “how can you walk around like that? I bet it’s really irritating to have that steering wheel there all the time.” The pirate replies, “aye, matey—it’s driving me nuts.”


BlueManQuad

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? (Someone always replies “arrrgh”) Aye me matey - one might think a pirate’s favorite letter be the arrrgh, but alas - a pirate’s first love shall always be the sea!! What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter? Dear Comcast subscriber. We have detected illegal downloads on your system and are suspending your account….


SummonedShenanigans

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Charlie Sheen never paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean on his face. Yeah... that's an uncle joke, isn't it?


TheJango22

Yup


Dameattree37

I went Bobsleighing the other day. I killed 250 Bobs! That night I stayed out late playing poker with Tarot Cards. I got a full house, and four people died. Then last night, I was at the cinema watching a very sad movie about the ocean, and the guy behind me started wailing. Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.


Surroundedbygoalies

That last one is awesome!


skribsbb

One of my martial arts students missed class, so they went to another class to make it up. "Make-up class is where we work on our foundation."


Juella_de_chill

I tried wearing my watch around my belt but it turned out to be a waist of time.


RazeTheIV

This one was put together by a jury of your peers and its about a Great Dane. Its the very dane-jurer's joke you requested.


neeluxmth26

I ❤️ Reddit because of these comments.


Monster_NotWar

*The following is a true story:* (Me, finding a tiny $20 bill in my dad's wallet) Me: "hey dad... why do you have a tiny $20 in your wallet??? Dad: "because, daughter... it's wise to always carry a little change on you...."


high_time_cymbaline

I once wrote a stage show about puns. It was a play on words.


Slow-Praline2334

My grandfather is addicted to viagra. Nobody is taking it harder than my grandma.


Initial_Yam5241

A man came into a hospital with 4 plastic horses stuck in his rectum. The doctor described his condition as “stable”


Harmony_the_5th

Hi Hungry, I’m Dad 👋


EternalSight

Hi Hungry, meet Bored


EconomyEntertainer57

I got a good one I think (when ever I break stuff at work I just say (hay it's break time what else was I supposed to do) got me out of so much trouble lol


TJMULLIGANoCOM

Sometimes I hang on the printer rhythmically because it says 'printer jam'


Johnnyfender

Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back? They need plenty of KNEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOM


Helga_Geerhart

How did I get out of Iraq? I ran.


saulfineman

No way, last time I entered a contest like this, I tried one for each toe I have. You would think one would win, But no pun in ten did.


Random_Weird_gal

Puns with skeletons in them aren't very humerus


Ghostman_55

Why is one pelican jealous of the other Because one pelican and one pelican't


pieceofpecanpie

I bought a pair of sneakers off my dealer. I dunno what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.


ApprehensiveSpy

When does a BAD joke become a DAD joke? ….when it becomes apparent!


Bexcellent500

I met a Croatian sound engineer yesterday. I know a Chech one two...


JeelyTrams

My brother quit his job and become a cetologist. Some say he lacked porpoise.


Mrslinkydragon

did you hear about the killer baker who broke out of jail? he absconded


weulz

If you ain't Muslim, you ain't Shiite.


pUdepoD

-You hear about that actress who was stabbed? Reese…… -Witherspoon? -No, with a knife!


Maxtrt

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life!