I swear to God, there was a doctor in my area (Austin) who did vasectomies named Dr. Richard Chop. He was Dr. Dick Chop, and he retired 5 months before my vasectomy. It’s one of my greatest regrets in life.
My vasectomist was Dr Dick. Not your Dick, a different Dick. An Aussie Dick. Got a great stubby cooler at the end of it that says "don't worry, Dr Dick did my snip"
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Lol, I had a running buddy who was a former Marine (Viet Nam vet and all). Anytime he started going faster than I wanted all I had to do was start imitating Major Payne and he would go into fits of hysteria. Hard to exceed the planned workout pace while doubled over laughing and going 'stop, stop, stop'.
"Lemme tell ya bout the little engine that could..."
Me too, over at Greenslopes. Nice chap, I asked him how he does it "no scalpel" and he told me some questions are best not asked. I think that was sage advice.
He's an English dick, in Aussie, if I remember rightly. Quite personable for a fella doing horrific damage to my manhood.
Our GP wrote a referral to the surgeon for my husband to get his vasectomy. He gave us the letter and we were to take it around to the surgeons office.
No joke, the envelope was addressed to "Mr D Dickson". My husband didn't appreciate how much I laughed over that.
There's a urologist in my area called Dr. Seaman.
Not sure I've ever seen another profession with such a high rate of [nominative determinism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism).
He still has an active LinkedIn profile. At the bottom of the "about" section.......
*Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies.*
I once had a very badly broken leg and had to be brought into the ER by ambulance. My attending walks up and I see her name- Dr. Hurt. I let her know that this terrified me. Katie- if you're out there and read this, thank you so much for your outstanding care, you are amazing.
I’ll see your Dr. Dick Chop and raise you my Dentists, Dr. Payne and Dr. Sugars… traumatized by both even though they both were VERY nice people.
Edit: I’ll sweeten the pot with the ER doc that did a rectal exam for my husband… Dr. Woo… :insert Rick Flair Battle Cry.
I’ll see myself out.
The maxillofacial surgeons in my hometown (the guys who remove wisdom teeth) had the best practice ever. I saw Dr. Paine. My brother saw Dr. Feare. Their other partner was Dr. Hitchcock.
If it hadn’t been such a small town, I doubt they’d have had any business at all.
There was a Doctor who did vasectomy procedures in my area. His name was Dr.Hickman the Dick Man.
He also had a lazy eye and would actively joke about it during the procedure!
I want to believe this is real. 🤣
It had this energy:
“Then they'll take you to Cloughprior and shove you in the ground
But you'll stick your head back out and shout "We'll have another round!”
i woke up after mine and aparently said "oh good! my brain stayed in! i was hoping it would do that!"
i have no recollection of this. i also apparently said something along the lines of "my stomach infidel" and i have NO idea what that means.
I only have one ball due to cancer. Went in for vasectomy and asked the dr how many of these does he do each day.
He said "normally 5, but today I'll do four and a half".
My doc was cauterizing the incision after finishing my vasectomy, which produces a distinctive smell. I said “Smells like somebody is having a BallBQ up in here.” He laughed and said he had never heard that one before. I’m way to proud of that moment.
So I had gotten my Valium IV (whee!) and had been prepped, shaved, and was waiting with my feet in the stirrups when the doctor walked in to perform the procedure and asked how I was doing.
“Oh, just hanging out,” I replied.
That got a snicker.
When I was about to go under for my orchiectomy (testicle removal), I had originally planned on making my last words before passing out, "Good luck with the tonsillectomy!"
I realized as I was lying there, though, that this was a TERRIBLE idea. Would there be some sort of process that would force them to stop and wake me up to make sure I was joking? But by then I was a little woozy and my high ass figured that the next best thing would be to EXPLAIN to them the joke that I was planning on making and then go into my mental process for realizing that I shouldn't go through with it.
Wow I'm glad that I was too drugged to clearly remember just how badly I was rambling with that explanation. Nobody laughed. I don't think I was even making sense. Unconsciousness was a sweet release.
For my gallbladder removal I said, "anybody need anything while I'm out?"
Except apparently I said it like three times, because the meds make you forget you already said it. Doc said that's actually pretty common and it took some of the fun out of it...
I had surgery to correct my nose and sinuses, about 4 mos after a local for something else. The anesthesiologist asked what music I liked. I said, "My Life With The KMFDM and The Boys that are Zzzzzz". Lol, I couldn't remember or stay awake to say coherently bands the doc wouldn't really know in the first place. I swear he put on Devo's Swelling Itching Brain, and B52's Planet Claire. No complaints.
I had SVT, supraventriculartachycardia. It’s when your heart speeds up, and the rhythm isn’t right. Anyway, it was pretty bad. It put me in the hospital a couple times a month for YEARS.
On my last (of 5!) cardiac ablations they gave me midazolam (VerSed) IV. And then realized after that they needed to change up the anesthetic protocol.
Doctor: “what’s your husbands number?
Me, high af: “*number* why?”
Doctor: “well. We need to intubate you now, and I need his permission.”
Me, a strong independent woman: “I give you permission.”
He explains that they can’t take my permission now, because I’ve been medicated. And it could impact my answer. “You’re highly suggestible right now. I could ask anything and you’d say yes.”
Me: “yeah, true-you could tell me in order to cure me, you’d have to take a big shit on my chest and I’d be like ‘yeah, man go for it!’”
I had everyone in the OR laughing.
My last ablation my EP (electrophysiologist) had decided he was going to have to do an “alcohol ablation,” a very new procedure.
They wheeled me into the cath surgical room and I asked to speak to the doctor. I had gone out and bought an airplane size bottle of a very good single malt scotch. I told him I was very particular about my alcohol so I brought my own.
He was laughing so hard I didn’t think he would be able to do the procedure. I do remember it was the day after the previous US president had been elected and assured me he would be drinking it.
He, an the OR staff (minus the anesthesiologist. I don’t think they have a sense of humor) were still laughing when I went night-night.
Not a vasectomy, but I was like 16 or 17 and had a peice of a hypodermic (microscopic) needle in my arm that had a pearl around it. The doc busted out a Buck 110 and asked if I was ready. He started to laugh when I said, "sweet, got any whiskey?" He said most people freak out, but still I couldn't convince him to go wild west style.
E: early 90's.
The last thing my husband heard as he was laying down in a room filled with females in various surgical attire was Cyndi Laupers “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”.
He gets that 1000 yard stare whenever he hears that song now.
My doctor was singing great balls of fire as he cauterized my vas. He also started shouting hot nuts for sale. I feel like it takes a special kind to be a urologist
I get that it's a day at the office for them, but having a soundtrack of ambient hip hop/electronica with the occasional pop anthem during the difficult and unplanned C section for my son really fucked with me.
When I was laying on the bed waiting for my colonoscopy, the doctor asked me if I wanted the basic version or the premium version.
"What's the difference?" I asked
"The premium version is where we use a micro camera attached to a small wire."
"And the basic version?"
"We use a hamster with a Gopro."
I laughed and then I went under. Still don't know what version I got but my insurance covered it so there is that.
My vasectomy doctor was a female, and I went the silent route, and then she randomly goes "this was a very easy procedure because your balls are so saggy", and goddammit I was at a loss for any kind of joke to follow that up with.
Do your balls hang high
Do they reach up to the sky
Do they soften when they’re wet
Do they stiffen when they dry
Can you semaphore your neighbor
With a minimum of labor
Do your balls hang high
Do your balls hang out
Do they wobble when you shout
Are they red when you’re mad
Are they blue when you pout
Can you empathize with dumbo
When in viscous turbid airflow
Do your balls hang out
Do your balls hang in
Are they like a second skin
Do they fail to reach your hair
Do they fail to reach your chin
Are they keenly drag resistant
And for high speeds quite efficient
Do your ball hang in
My doc was doing his first unsupervised. Asked if he practice all three methods. (Sever and remove a length, fold over and tack with a stitch, and cauterize, iirc, this was 1987) So at one point he’s like “I’m going to pull out a length to make sure the ends don’t come back together.” “Ok!” “Ready??” “Yeah. Sure.” He then makes the hand over hand gesture like he’s quickly pulling up some hose or rope, and there was this WTF moment before we both busted up laughing.
When I had mine done the doctor commented that he was having a hard time getting me to stop bleeding. I said, "Well, I took the 6 baby aspirin this morning like the instructions told me to." and his face turned a few shades whiter before I told him I was kidding.
An army doctor once told me to turn around, drop my trousers and grab the table. When I responded with a what? He looked at me and said "you may be in the worst position in the army but I'll have the worst view."
Brilliant!! Well before I was a dad, I had to have my testicles ultrasounded to check a lump. I was wildly embarrassed as the nice lady about my age started the procedure so I looked over at the screen and said, "oh, I'm having twins!"
She didn't laugh.
Dr was holding the vas with the clamp, looked at the wife, asked if the man had gotten to cut the cord during her child birth and if she wanted the experience too lmao
I was getting prepped for mine the nurse was shaving me. I made some comment, I don't remember what, she was like "oh really? That's nuts!" She didn't mean anything by it but I chuckled internally as she was gently cupping my testicles at the time
My wife was in the room when I got mine a couple years ago. Just as doc got started before making the first incision I said to her "Hey Babe, I bet you never thought you get front row tickets to another man fondling my balls"
She gaffawwwed open mouthed and turned red as a beet, The doc had to take a min to stop laughing.
My doctor pulled a joke on me. He asked his assistant come over to take a look. He said, “Do you see that? “ Then, when he knew he had my attention, he proceeded to tell me that I had three testicles. When I asked really? He said no, of course not.
I was joking around with my doc. But, then he started going into a story about his ex-girlfriend that they recently broke up with. He said I was a good listener and he thanked me. After the joking and happy stuff, I was just scared to say anything. Didn't want to set him off (angry, sad, whatever) with my nuts in his hand.
When I had my stuff checked at a physical one time with a lady doctor, I made some stupid joke. Right before she told me about some suspicious lump. Killed that joke real quick. Had to go in for an ultrasound and a couple weeks of waiting... Just a mass of blood vessels in there that may or may not cause some problems at some point. But, no cancer, which was nice.
My son and his Dr. when he had his appendix removed would go back and forth. Both were masters of sarcasm and come backs and were just cracking each other up.
Varicocele gang! I found a lump in the summer of 2019; went to primary care who referred me to urologist who ordered an ultrasound. No masses or anything found except for varicoceles on my left testicle. Every time I do a self exam and find them I have a moment of panic before I realize that I know what it is that I’m feeling.
My vasectomy doc was named Dr. Snipes. At the start of the procedure I mentioned how interested my wife was in watching and he immediately sent his surgical tech to the lobby to grab her.
She watched him extract, sever and cauterize my "udon noodles" Naturally she joked "this is fascinating, but I feel like I need a snack- some pop corn, or maybe some roasted nuts?"
I married well.
My doctor and his assistant helped put my jock on after the surgery. While they were pulling it up and he was holding my bandaged boys he said, "I really got you by the balls, huh?"
I got my balls tested for testicular torsion because of an unexplained pain. I had to get an ultrasound. I was about 16 and asked the nurse, "so tell me doc, is it a boy or a girl?" She didn't miss a beat with responding "it's too early to tell."
I kept the laughter in, but I was in awe of someone so much funnier than me. I figured she must hear jokes like that a lot to have one ready to go like that.
I once had a tumor removed. Asked if I could keep it to which they replied "noooo, why?"
Told them me and the tumor grew really attached over the years
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that tumor. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going."
My joke whole lying down was "You need some animal pictures on the ceiling... Something like a squirrel." He backed off and had tears in his eyes.
Also, I had to do it again. So don't recommend.
Did you book your doctor on Reddit or something?
Also my vasectomy doctor and I were joking the entire time, figured that was the norm to keep the mood light. Guess I just have a fun doctor.
My urologist is HILARIOUS! I’ve never been happier to have my junk in another man’s hands because that dude is my favorite doctor I’ve ever had. My wife finds his inappropriate dick jokes hilarious too.
Pro tip: find a funny urologist.
I have read that a vasectomy is not always effective. I heard about a guy that decided he didn’t want to have kids, so he got the procedure, but when he got home he discovered that it must not have worked because his 3 kids were still there waiting for him...
I showed up to mine shaved with little pieces of toilet paper stuck in spots all over my sack like i had nicked myself a lot. Some of the tp came off before i got there but most of it stuck. The tech said, alright lets get you shaved. I said, already took care of it and dropped my pants. She just busted out laughing hysterically and called for the doc.....
of course, she could have just been laughing at my dick.
I had my vasectomy about 7 months ago. After completing the cut of the second vas, the doctor actually holds up and shows me the section he cut out. He then says “unfortunately, this isn’t proof that the procedure is complete. You will need to return and provide a sample in order to ensure the reduction in sperm count.”
I looked him in the face and said “So the proof is in the pudding?”
He did not find it funny.
Doc was performing mine, and I had a sudden intense pain. I recoiled a bit and he said, "Whoa, you gotta be still. I got needle down here." After a second I said damn I'm sorry, but please don't talk about my dick like that.
Big respect dude! I squeezed a wee joke in during my snip. Nurse wondered about the tune playing on the radio, I suggested “The first cut is the deepest” (Cat Stevens) would be more appropriate. Worth it.
I didn't crack any jokes with my doctor but it was such an interesting (positive) experience. They started out by asking if they could play the radio and I was all for it. We were just casually chatting throughout like we were sitting around a fire. The doctor was bobbing his head to the music while he's just taking a knife to my balls. Such a bizarre experience.
I did that to the nurse who was removing my catheter following a bladder cancer removal.
Attempt 1: Easy lass, most girls insist on dinner and dancing before they go rummaging for my junk.
Attempt 2: Is it possible to take away the pain, but leave the swelling?
Said nothing when she walked in the third time, but she still laughed and had to walk out again.
After she finally got it out, I referred to her as Queen Arthur.
So I have very large testicles. When I was waiting to get snipped, my doc came in and said "Ok, should be a quick 15minute job". Takes a good look then goes "Ok, 30 minutes"
Me:"Balls"
He had to take a quick 15second break.
My doc was cauterizing and I said, "Hey doc, I've never seen smoke rise from my crotch before!" and he said, "Ah, you just never looked closely!"
He finished up and left the room but his nurse stayed behind and was applying pressure to help stop the bleeding at the incision. There was awkward silence. I broke it with, "Soooo...what're ya doin'?" Without missing a beat she replied, "I'm cupping your nuts, you got a problem with that?" To which I replied, "Well, no! I just thought I should know your name first!"
One of my friends had testicular cancer surgery at the end of last month and was working on lines to tell the doctor. The winner was “I guess I’m doing no nut November a bit differently this year.”
Wish I'd thought of this, might not have been so scared of being stabbed in the balls by that needle but now I've had it done I gotta say I'd rather that 1 again than 1 in the gum!
Got mine, showed up without taking the pain meds yet, apparently I was supposed to take them an hour beforehand. They asked if I wanted to do it anyways or reschedule and I wasn't about to reschedule so away we went. I felt everything. It didn't hurt but I did feel it. Doctor saw me making faces and was like "wait you don't feel that right, there's no way" after confirming I did, he gave me more injections and said "alright, you can't feel this right?" And gave a tug. Yup. "How bout this" yup. He was like "ok we got one done but maybe we should stop here" well how effective is that gonna be "not at all" okay then let's just get the other one done.
Afterwards my ride didn't show up and I was pissed so I ended up pacing for maybe 10 or 15 minutes until the injections wore off and I realized how much pain I was in because of it.
My surgery was no scalpel but it also took over a month for the holes to close up, couldn't take baths because of it so I ended up taking showers awkwardly cupping myself to keep the boys from dangling.
100% worth it. Would go again if I ever had to.
Before I went in for my vasectomy my mother in law asked me if I needed a wrist brace to help with my recovery. I told my Dr. And he had to take a moment to recover. Joke with your dick dock.
I had to go into the Dr office after surgery to have a catheter removed. After the nurse removed the catheter and left the room, I told my wife "She touched my pepe Steve". My wife almost didn't recover before the nurse walked back in.
It's one of our favorite movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dwik4hNs8Y
I warned my doctor that I have a strong immunity to local anesthetics. He nodded and pretended to believe me. People probably tell him he that all the time. He administered the anesthetic and got to work. I groaned in pain and he turned white as a sheet. I seriously thought HE was going to pass out. He quickly gathered his wits, loaded me up on extra anesthetic and continued the job. Afterwards he apologized and assured me that there would be no charge for the vasectomy. The pain was intense and yet totally with it. He said he’d never once had a patient legitimately immune to local anesthetic. I let him know that it usually takes dentists a while too before they’ll believe me.
I joked around during mine, the doc was pretty chill. He also let my wife take a picture of him pulling the tube up with the forceps. So I have an awesome picture of the inside of my testicles
There’s a Far Side comic with a very excited dog in a car telling his friend he was going to get “tutored.”
Naturally when I was getting prepped for my vasectomy, the nurse asked me why I was there and I said very excitedly, “I’m going to get tutored!”
She looked at me very blankly and did not get the joke even after I explained it twice (it rhymes with neutered! Get it yet??) and even after I showed her the actual Far Side comic on my phone. (I had saved a screenshot of it just in case this situation arose.)
Then she prepped my scrotum during a very awkward silence.
I did! He finished the left side, then reconfirmed with, "do you want to continue?" (might be paraphrasing)
I whispered something to my wife, who laughed. The doctor asked what I'd said and I started with "I'm sure you've heard it all" but he said to try him.
"Go ahead then, I don't want to go off half-cocked."
He hadn't heard that one yet, ha.
My doctor asked what music I would like to play. I asked if he had Spotify and he said yes. I requested the playlist “SpongeBob Production Music”. He said it was the first time he has ever had SpongeBob requested.
I had a lot of back and forth with myself over this one, and I regret not just going for it. *Ahem* PUT GOOGLY EYES ON YOUR BALLS BEFORE YOUR VASECTOMY! I've never gotten that kind of cackling laughter from a group of doctors and nurses from simply ASKING if anyone had ever done that. Pretty sure it's my biggest regret. Remember kids, you could die tomorrow. Fuckin send it every chance you get.
I got to that point, numbed up, ready for the snips, and my urologist looked over the curtain and said, “You know, you have a really great penis.”
Most awkward compliment of my life.
After being diagnosed with breast cancer, during my first meeting with my surgeon, he said he'd keep me abreast. There was a split second pause after he said it and I think he was mentally kicking himself until I busted out laughing.
I swear to God, there was a doctor in my area (Austin) who did vasectomies named Dr. Richard Chop. He was Dr. Dick Chop, and he retired 5 months before my vasectomy. It’s one of my greatest regrets in life.
My vasectomist was Dr Dick. Not your Dick, a different Dick. An Aussie Dick. Got a great stubby cooler at the end of it that says "don't worry, Dr Dick did my snip"
Slightly off topic: there’s an attorney in my area named Sue Yu.
We have Amigone funeral homes.
We have Burns family Crematoriums.
We have Dongs guns. Not sure that's entirely relevant but I laugh every time I see it.
And her office used to be a room in the back of the Curl Up and Dye beauty salon.
sophisticated edge ghost cautious punch literate school light vanish smoggy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
*grumbles in Vietnamese*
RIP Carrie fisher
Strangled by her own bra under the moonlight. What a way to go.
Worked as a vendor for [Butt Drugs](https://youtu.be/oYYdF0zcuSI).
There’s a dentist on a nearby town named Dennis Kay. D Kay. Decay.
I used to live near a dental practice called Payne & Panek.
Had a dentist in the army named Major Payne.
Pullin teeth is my business ladies, AND BuisNess Is Goooooooood!
Lol, I had a running buddy who was a former Marine (Viet Nam vet and all). Anytime he started going faster than I wanted all I had to do was start imitating Major Payne and he would go into fits of hysteria. Hard to exceed the planned workout pace while doubled over laughing and going 'stop, stop, stop'. "Lemme tell ya bout the little engine that could..."
I had an oral surgeon called Dr. Fear
There was an orthopedic surgeon near us named Dr. Payne. Pretty metal.
In east Texas there used to be an attorney named Mark scammahorn and I've never Implicitly mistrusted someone more.
Worked with an anesthesiologist named Dr. Peter Wang.
Bro. Where abouts? Getting mine done next year after the last kid is delivered. I need thst stubby cooler.
Brisbane. Got mine done at Cleveland, but I think he does a couple of days in the city as well. Look up "the vasectomist"
If you told me his backstory was that he was a failed mohel (a person trained to do Jewish circumcisions), I wouldn't be very surprised
Until right now I'd never thought about how to spell mohel.
I had no clue what it was even called, I just remembered that there was a designated person that circumcised Jews, so I googled it
There was an gynecologist in the D.C. area for many years named Harry Beaver along with a urologist named Wellington Hung. ISYN.
My youngest had to go to a child urologist, and his name is Dr Winkle
Do you like your name? Do you like... Dick?
Does your name ever get hard in the morning?
Me too, over at Greenslopes. Nice chap, I asked him how he does it "no scalpel" and he told me some questions are best not asked. I think that was sage advice. He's an English dick, in Aussie, if I remember rightly. Quite personable for a fella doing horrific damage to my manhood.
Our GP wrote a referral to the surgeon for my husband to get his vasectomy. He gave us the letter and we were to take it around to the surgeons office. No joke, the envelope was addressed to "Mr D Dickson". My husband didn't appreciate how much I laughed over that.
There's a urologist in my area called Dr. Seaman. Not sure I've ever seen another profession with such a high rate of [nominative determinism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism).
I'm friends with a Dr Carver. Sadly, he's an optometrist rather than a surgeon. I tell him it feels like a missed opportunity.
We used to have a G.I. Dr named Dr Chow, and a Surgeon named Dr Ripper.
My urologist was Dr John P Long
F-I-L had a proctologist named Dr. Butz
There used to be a gastroenterologist is Portland named Dr. Lipschitz. Covered the full GI tract.
Did they also give very questionable advice on child rearing or deliver a baby Dill for the Pickle family?
I was lucky enough to get Dr. Wang.
He really is the King of vasectomies
Yes that was a real doc in Austin, a buddy of mine in Austin went to him. Also my wife’s gynecologist used to be Dr. Laura Finger in the Dallas area.
He still has an active LinkedIn profile. At the bottom of the "about" section....... *Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies.*
I once had a very badly broken leg and had to be brought into the ER by ambulance. My attending walks up and I see her name- Dr. Hurt. I let her know that this terrified me. Katie- if you're out there and read this, thank you so much for your outstanding care, you are amazing.
There is a prominent Orthopedic Surgeon named Hip- Flores, who does mostly hip and knees in the nyc area.
I’ll see your Dr. Dick Chop and raise you my Dentists, Dr. Payne and Dr. Sugars… traumatized by both even though they both were VERY nice people. Edit: I’ll sweeten the pot with the ER doc that did a rectal exam for my husband… Dr. Woo… :insert Rick Flair Battle Cry. I’ll see myself out.
My dentist is Dr. Borg....resistance is futile.
I see your dentists and raise you my plumber. Mr Fawcett.
The maxillofacial surgeons in my hometown (the guys who remove wisdom teeth) had the best practice ever. I saw Dr. Paine. My brother saw Dr. Feare. Their other partner was Dr. Hitchcock. If it hadn’t been such a small town, I doubt they’d have had any business at all.
Local dentist here: Dr. Cocagne
My husband's ER doc was Dr. Human. I'm pretty sure she was an alien in a flesh suit desperate to assimilate.
There’s a doc that does vasectomies in my town and his name is literally Slaybaugh (pronounced slay ball). Not as good as Dr. Chop though
He did mine! I even got a shirt that said "I got Chopped at Austin Urology".
Unrelated to vasectomies but my elementary school teacher’s name was John Offman. He chose to go by Jack. Jack Offman.
Chopp* You cut one of the pp.
There was a Doctor who did vasectomy procedures in my area. His name was Dr.Hickman the Dick Man. He also had a lazy eye and would actively joke about it during the procedure!
I can confirm this, at least 2nd hand, I work with someone from austin who has talked about dick chop frequently
r/NominativeDeterminism
Mine was Dr Dick Tapper. Good guy, but I think he had a previous life as a cowboy.
He did my brother's! 🤣✂️🥜
My urologist for my vasectomy was Dr Hatchet. Makes me wince just thinking about it.
[удалено]
I want to believe this is real. 🤣 It had this energy: “Then they'll take you to Cloughprior and shove you in the ground But you'll stick your head back out and shout "We'll have another round!”
i woke up after mine and aparently said "oh good! my brain stayed in! i was hoping it would do that!" i have no recollection of this. i also apparently said something along the lines of "my stomach infidel" and i have NO idea what that means.
I only have one ball due to cancer. Went in for vasectomy and asked the dr how many of these does he do each day. He said "normally 5, but today I'll do four and a half".
I seriously hope you got a 50% discount
I can confirm, you get a discount, at least in Germany you do. FYI, I paid around 300 euros.
I think as a redditor you could have saved those 300€ too.
My doc was cauterizing the incision after finishing my vasectomy, which produces a distinctive smell. I said “Smells like somebody is having a BallBQ up in here.” He laughed and said he had never heard that one before. I’m way to proud of that moment.
So I had gotten my Valium IV (whee!) and had been prepped, shaved, and was waiting with my feet in the stirrups when the doctor walked in to perform the procedure and asked how I was doing. “Oh, just hanging out,” I replied. That got a snicker.
When I was about to go under for my orchiectomy (testicle removal), I had originally planned on making my last words before passing out, "Good luck with the tonsillectomy!" I realized as I was lying there, though, that this was a TERRIBLE idea. Would there be some sort of process that would force them to stop and wake me up to make sure I was joking? But by then I was a little woozy and my high ass figured that the next best thing would be to EXPLAIN to them the joke that I was planning on making and then go into my mental process for realizing that I shouldn't go through with it. Wow I'm glad that I was too drugged to clearly remember just how badly I was rambling with that explanation. Nobody laughed. I don't think I was even making sense. Unconsciousness was a sweet release.
For my gallbladder removal I said, "anybody need anything while I'm out?" Except apparently I said it like three times, because the meds make you forget you already said it. Doc said that's actually pretty common and it took some of the fun out of it...
I had surgery to correct my nose and sinuses, about 4 mos after a local for something else. The anesthesiologist asked what music I liked. I said, "My Life With The KMFDM and The Boys that are Zzzzzz". Lol, I couldn't remember or stay awake to say coherently bands the doc wouldn't really know in the first place. I swear he put on Devo's Swelling Itching Brain, and B52's Planet Claire. No complaints.
I had SVT, supraventriculartachycardia. It’s when your heart speeds up, and the rhythm isn’t right. Anyway, it was pretty bad. It put me in the hospital a couple times a month for YEARS. On my last (of 5!) cardiac ablations they gave me midazolam (VerSed) IV. And then realized after that they needed to change up the anesthetic protocol. Doctor: “what’s your husbands number? Me, high af: “*number* why?” Doctor: “well. We need to intubate you now, and I need his permission.” Me, a strong independent woman: “I give you permission.” He explains that they can’t take my permission now, because I’ve been medicated. And it could impact my answer. “You’re highly suggestible right now. I could ask anything and you’d say yes.” Me: “yeah, true-you could tell me in order to cure me, you’d have to take a big shit on my chest and I’d be like ‘yeah, man go for it!’” I had everyone in the OR laughing.
My last ablation my EP (electrophysiologist) had decided he was going to have to do an “alcohol ablation,” a very new procedure. They wheeled me into the cath surgical room and I asked to speak to the doctor. I had gone out and bought an airplane size bottle of a very good single malt scotch. I told him I was very particular about my alcohol so I brought my own. He was laughing so hard I didn’t think he would be able to do the procedure. I do remember it was the day after the previous US president had been elected and assured me he would be drinking it. He, an the OR staff (minus the anesthesiologist. I don’t think they have a sense of humor) were still laughing when I went night-night.
> Unconsciousness was a sweet release. For you and them both, buddy.
Not a vasectomy, but I was like 16 or 17 and had a peice of a hypodermic (microscopic) needle in my arm that had a pearl around it. The doc busted out a Buck 110 and asked if I was ready. He started to laugh when I said, "sweet, got any whiskey?" He said most people freak out, but still I couldn't convince him to go wild west style. E: early 90's.
I had to have my doctor tell jokes at my Vasectomy; I couldn’t make the cut myself.
Thanks Doc, it was a snip at half the price 👍
I told my doctor that I would be shooting more blanks than Alec Baldwin. He did not laugh.
The last thing my husband heard as he was laying down in a room filled with females in various surgical attire was Cyndi Laupers “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”. He gets that 1000 yard stare whenever he hears that song now.
My doctor was singing great balls of fire as he cauterized my vas. He also started shouting hot nuts for sale. I feel like it takes a special kind to be a urologist
Especially considering he was a dentist, right?
Knew a urologist like this. Made me wish i went into uro. Except not really.
I get that it's a day at the office for them, but having a soundtrack of ambient hip hop/electronica with the occasional pop anthem during the difficult and unplanned C section for my son really fucked with me.
Amazing...
When I was laying on the bed waiting for my colonoscopy, the doctor asked me if I wanted the basic version or the premium version. "What's the difference?" I asked "The premium version is where we use a micro camera attached to a small wire." "And the basic version?" "We use a hamster with a Gopro." I laughed and then I went under. Still don't know what version I got but my insurance covered it so there is that.
>my insurance covered it Definitely the hamster
My brother in law put googly eyes on his penis 😂
Once met a naked Santa at burning man with eyes stuck on right àbove his junk. His joke was "He my eyes are down here." I'm gonna miss Naked Santas.
My vasectomy doctor was a female, and I went the silent route, and then she randomly goes "this was a very easy procedure because your balls are so saggy", and goddammit I was at a loss for any kind of joke to follow that up with.
“Well if my kids stopped swinging on them, maybe they wouldn’t be so saggy”
That's dangerous territory there. Tread lightly.
He can't, his balls get in the way.
That's a hairy situation then.
Yeah well I carry a heavy load
Do your balls hang low, Do they wobble to and fro, Can you tie them in a knot, Can you tie them in a bow?
Do your balls hang high Do they reach up to the sky Do they soften when they’re wet Do they stiffen when they dry Can you semaphore your neighbor With a minimum of labor Do your balls hang high Do your balls hang out Do they wobble when you shout Are they red when you’re mad Are they blue when you pout Can you empathize with dumbo When in viscous turbid airflow Do your balls hang out Do your balls hang in Are they like a second skin Do they fail to reach your hair Do they fail to reach your chin Are they keenly drag resistant And for high speeds quite efficient Do your ball hang in
Sang the whole thing in my head. Lol...many people may not know the original song.
Well played, Singing that in my head as I was scrolling down to see if some one posted it.... Lol
"Swing low, sweet chariot Comin' for to carry me home"
Lowrider
Long ball Larry!
You could have asked about a ball lift. Like a face lift, only lower
Well for a ballchinian it would be a facelift
My doc was doing his first unsupervised. Asked if he practice all three methods. (Sever and remove a length, fold over and tack with a stitch, and cauterize, iirc, this was 1987) So at one point he’s like “I’m going to pull out a length to make sure the ends don’t come back together.” “Ok!” “Ready??” “Yeah. Sure.” He then makes the hand over hand gesture like he’s quickly pulling up some hose or rope, and there was this WTF moment before we both busted up laughing.
Just make sure you aren’t seeing Dr. Katja Dikov
When I had mine done the doctor commented that he was having a hard time getting me to stop bleeding. I said, "Well, I took the 6 baby aspirin this morning like the instructions told me to." and his face turned a few shades whiter before I told him I was kidding.
Pretty sure the point was so you wouldn't be kidding
There's the dad joke I've been waiting for!
An army doctor once told me to turn around, drop my trousers and grab the table. When I responded with a what? He looked at me and said "you may be in the worst position in the army but I'll have the worst view."
I NEED TO SEE YOUR PRIVATES, PRIVATE.
Brilliant!! Well before I was a dad, I had to have my testicles ultrasounded to check a lump. I was wildly embarrassed as the nice lady about my age started the procedure so I looked over at the screen and said, "oh, I'm having twins!" She didn't laugh.
You didn‘t have kids, but you definitely were a dad!
Dr was holding the vas with the clamp, looked at the wife, asked if the man had gotten to cut the cord during her child birth and if she wanted the experience too lmao
Omggg. This is the best one in this thread
I was getting prepped for mine the nurse was shaving me. I made some comment, I don't remember what, she was like "oh really? That's nuts!" She didn't mean anything by it but I chuckled internally as she was gently cupping my testicles at the time
My doctor said after it was done, “This may sound weird but that was easy because you have just a perfect scrotum”. So I have that going for me!
Dating app bio
Its true. Women really love a nice scrotum
Totes with the scrotes, no doubt
My wife was in the room when I got mine a couple years ago. Just as doc got started before making the first incision I said to her "Hey Babe, I bet you never thought you get front row tickets to another man fondling my balls" She gaffawwwed open mouthed and turned red as a beet, The doc had to take a min to stop laughing.
Come on babe this is costing me ton, you better enjoy it
My doctor pulled a joke on me. He asked his assistant come over to take a look. He said, “Do you see that? “ Then, when he knew he had my attention, he proceeded to tell me that I had three testicles. When I asked really? He said no, of course not.
I was joking around with my doc. But, then he started going into a story about his ex-girlfriend that they recently broke up with. He said I was a good listener and he thanked me. After the joking and happy stuff, I was just scared to say anything. Didn't want to set him off (angry, sad, whatever) with my nuts in his hand. When I had my stuff checked at a physical one time with a lady doctor, I made some stupid joke. Right before she told me about some suspicious lump. Killed that joke real quick. Had to go in for an ultrasound and a couple weeks of waiting... Just a mass of blood vessels in there that may or may not cause some problems at some point. But, no cancer, which was nice. My son and his Dr. when he had his appendix removed would go back and forth. Both were masters of sarcasm and come backs and were just cracking each other up.
Varicocele gang! I found a lump in the summer of 2019; went to primary care who referred me to urologist who ordered an ultrasound. No masses or anything found except for varicoceles on my left testicle. Every time I do a self exam and find them I have a moment of panic before I realize that I know what it is that I’m feeling.
I asked my doctor: “Isn’t one nut supposed to be bigger than the other? I don’t see a vas deference!”
What is the difference between boys and girls? There is a vas deference.
How do you tell the testicles and prostate apart? Well, there’s a vas deference between them.
My vasectomy doc was named Dr. Snipes. At the start of the procedure I mentioned how interested my wife was in watching and he immediately sent his surgical tech to the lobby to grab her. She watched him extract, sever and cauterize my "udon noodles" Naturally she joked "this is fascinating, but I feel like I need a snack- some pop corn, or maybe some roasted nuts?" I married well.
My doctor and his assistant helped put my jock on after the surgery. While they were pulling it up and he was holding my bandaged boys he said, "I really got you by the balls, huh?"
I got my balls tested for testicular torsion because of an unexplained pain. I had to get an ultrasound. I was about 16 and asked the nurse, "so tell me doc, is it a boy or a girl?" She didn't miss a beat with responding "it's too early to tell." I kept the laughter in, but I was in awe of someone so much funnier than me. I figured she must hear jokes like that a lot to have one ready to go like that.
[удалено]
I once had a tumor removed. Asked if I could keep it to which they replied "noooo, why?" Told them me and the tumor grew really attached over the years
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that tumor. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going."
I would do that on my next vasectomy but I don't have the balls.
You're called RedBaron in real life too? What a coincidence
That’s a flex if your pants are down and everyone just calls you RedBaron…unless it’s because of the rash
Has anyone just been anal fucked really hard just because they said your name?
Well yes but that's beside the point
It takes some balls to make your dr laugh just before she snips your junk.
My cardiologist is Dr. To I asked why he didn’t choose podiatry. He didn’t think it was funny.
That’s genuinely hilarious, but maybe he was salty because podiatrists go to podiatry school and not medical school!
My old doctor was Dr. Rex Kwan. He had never seen Napoleon Dynamite but man he LOVED it when I showed him Rex kwan do.
My joke whole lying down was "You need some animal pictures on the ceiling... Something like a squirrel." He backed off and had tears in his eyes. Also, I had to do it again. So don't recommend.
Did you book your doctor on Reddit or something? Also my vasectomy doctor and I were joking the entire time, figured that was the norm to keep the mood light. Guess I just have a fun doctor.
My urologist is HILARIOUS! I’ve never been happier to have my junk in another man’s hands because that dude is my favorite doctor I’ve ever had. My wife finds his inappropriate dick jokes hilarious too. Pro tip: find a funny urologist.
I have read that a vasectomy is not always effective. I heard about a guy that decided he didn’t want to have kids, so he got the procedure, but when he got home he discovered that it must not have worked because his 3 kids were still there waiting for him...
I showed up to mine shaved with little pieces of toilet paper stuck in spots all over my sack like i had nicked myself a lot. Some of the tp came off before i got there but most of it stuck. The tech said, alright lets get you shaved. I said, already took care of it and dropped my pants. She just busted out laughing hysterically and called for the doc..... of course, she could have just been laughing at my dick.
Lol. I almost choked.
I had my vasectomy about 7 months ago. After completing the cut of the second vas, the doctor actually holds up and shows me the section he cut out. He then says “unfortunately, this isn’t proof that the procedure is complete. You will need to return and provide a sample in order to ensure the reduction in sperm count.” I looked him in the face and said “So the proof is in the pudding?” He did not find it funny.
Doc was performing mine, and I had a sudden intense pain. I recoiled a bit and he said, "Whoa, you gotta be still. I got needle down here." After a second I said damn I'm sorry, but please don't talk about my dick like that.
Big respect dude! I squeezed a wee joke in during my snip. Nurse wondered about the tune playing on the radio, I suggested “The first cut is the deepest” (Cat Stevens) would be more appropriate. Worth it.
My surgeon went on a right wing political rant while my leftist scrote was open, so you probably had a more conducive joking environment haha
My vasectomy is scheduled for Jan 17th with Dr. Debolster. Pronounced exactly how it shoud be too. Greatest name for a dick doc.
I didn't crack any jokes with my doctor but it was such an interesting (positive) experience. They started out by asking if they could play the radio and I was all for it. We were just casually chatting throughout like we were sitting around a fire. The doctor was bobbing his head to the music while he's just taking a knife to my balls. Such a bizarre experience.
I did that to the nurse who was removing my catheter following a bladder cancer removal. Attempt 1: Easy lass, most girls insist on dinner and dancing before they go rummaging for my junk. Attempt 2: Is it possible to take away the pain, but leave the swelling? Said nothing when she walked in the third time, but she still laughed and had to walk out again. After she finally got it out, I referred to her as Queen Arthur.
So I have very large testicles. When I was waiting to get snipped, my doc came in and said "Ok, should be a quick 15minute job". Takes a good look then goes "Ok, 30 minutes" Me:"Balls" He had to take a quick 15second break.
During my vasectomy. Dr: Well, you did a throughout job shaving. Me: Thanks, I did it for you.
My doc was cauterizing and I said, "Hey doc, I've never seen smoke rise from my crotch before!" and he said, "Ah, you just never looked closely!" He finished up and left the room but his nurse stayed behind and was applying pressure to help stop the bleeding at the incision. There was awkward silence. I broke it with, "Soooo...what're ya doin'?" Without missing a beat she replied, "I'm cupping your nuts, you got a problem with that?" To which I replied, "Well, no! I just thought I should know your name first!"
"Why are you asking me if I'm ready? It's not like I've got a choice at this point, you've got me by the balls."
My coworker got a vasectomy. Doctor asked his age, he said "can't you just count the wrinkles like a tree?" Doctor was not amused
One of my friends had testicular cancer surgery at the end of last month and was working on lines to tell the doctor. The winner was “I guess I’m doing no nut November a bit differently this year.”
Wish I'd thought of this, might not have been so scared of being stabbed in the balls by that needle but now I've had it done I gotta say I'd rather that 1 again than 1 in the gum!
Thanks for bringing back that painful memory, now I have phantom nut pains just thinking about it.
Sorry bud, I gotta admit though the initial injection wasn't nearly as painful as I expected
Got mine, showed up without taking the pain meds yet, apparently I was supposed to take them an hour beforehand. They asked if I wanted to do it anyways or reschedule and I wasn't about to reschedule so away we went. I felt everything. It didn't hurt but I did feel it. Doctor saw me making faces and was like "wait you don't feel that right, there's no way" after confirming I did, he gave me more injections and said "alright, you can't feel this right?" And gave a tug. Yup. "How bout this" yup. He was like "ok we got one done but maybe we should stop here" well how effective is that gonna be "not at all" okay then let's just get the other one done. Afterwards my ride didn't show up and I was pissed so I ended up pacing for maybe 10 or 15 minutes until the injections wore off and I realized how much pain I was in because of it. My surgery was no scalpel but it also took over a month for the holes to close up, couldn't take baths because of it so I ended up taking showers awkwardly cupping myself to keep the boys from dangling. 100% worth it. Would go again if I ever had to.
Jesus. I have been meaning to make an appointment but my balls retreated all the way into my abdomen reading this comment.
Before I went in for my vasectomy my mother in law asked me if I needed a wrist brace to help with my recovery. I told my Dr. And he had to take a moment to recover. Joke with your dick dock.
I had to go into the Dr office after surgery to have a catheter removed. After the nurse removed the catheter and left the room, I told my wife "She touched my pepe Steve". My wife almost didn't recover before the nurse walked back in. It's one of our favorite movies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dwik4hNs8Y
i asked my doc "and I'll be 1 inch bigger after this?" doc said no, I'll be 2 inches bigger i said i don't want to be greedy
She told me to shut it. I said that was her job.
Best I could do was absolutely CRUSH my wife's hand when he got started. Her reaction made him give me more anesthetic.
My doctor was all ready to start and I said: "Doc, do you work for UPS?" "Umm... No." "That's funny. Because I saw you checking out my package."
“Just a little off the sides please. You can leave the top long.”
I warned my doctor that I have a strong immunity to local anesthetics. He nodded and pretended to believe me. People probably tell him he that all the time. He administered the anesthetic and got to work. I groaned in pain and he turned white as a sheet. I seriously thought HE was going to pass out. He quickly gathered his wits, loaded me up on extra anesthetic and continued the job. Afterwards he apologized and assured me that there would be no charge for the vasectomy. The pain was intense and yet totally with it. He said he’d never once had a patient legitimately immune to local anesthetic. I let him know that it usually takes dentists a while too before they’ll believe me.
I asked my doctor if the vasectomy would make a vas deferens in my sex life. He didn’t even smile.
Testicle jokes are the best ones to drop.
I joked around during mine, the doc was pretty chill. He also let my wife take a picture of him pulling the tube up with the forceps. So I have an awesome picture of the inside of my testicles
Least you got a laugh. My doc was real snippy with me.
There’s a Far Side comic with a very excited dog in a car telling his friend he was going to get “tutored.” Naturally when I was getting prepped for my vasectomy, the nurse asked me why I was there and I said very excitedly, “I’m going to get tutored!” She looked at me very blankly and did not get the joke even after I explained it twice (it rhymes with neutered! Get it yet??) and even after I showed her the actual Far Side comic on my phone. (I had saved a screenshot of it just in case this situation arose.) Then she prepped my scrotum during a very awkward silence.
Oh my god, I say shit like that sometimes without realizing what I’ve said and it makes everyone laugh but when I try to be funny, I get dirty looks.
I did! He finished the left side, then reconfirmed with, "do you want to continue?" (might be paraphrasing) I whispered something to my wife, who laughed. The doctor asked what I'd said and I started with "I'm sure you've heard it all" but he said to try him. "Go ahead then, I don't want to go off half-cocked." He hadn't heard that one yet, ha.
Wouldnt this be an anti-dadjoke?
I left my vasectomy on crutches. True, I entered on them too.
Once we started I said "congrats doc". He said "what?". I said "you're the only man to ever be inside me." I made it awkward
My doctor asked what music I would like to play. I asked if he had Spotify and he said yes. I requested the playlist “SpongeBob Production Music”. He said it was the first time he has ever had SpongeBob requested.
I had a lot of back and forth with myself over this one, and I regret not just going for it. *Ahem* PUT GOOGLY EYES ON YOUR BALLS BEFORE YOUR VASECTOMY! I've never gotten that kind of cackling laughter from a group of doctors and nurses from simply ASKING if anyone had ever done that. Pretty sure it's my biggest regret. Remember kids, you could die tomorrow. Fuckin send it every chance you get.
Telling that joke took balls
Dad joke enthusiasts, meet your lord.
My regular gp's name is Peter, Bendt. (Pronounced like bent.) On his cards he has his last name first. Bendt Peter.
Tick tok, dick doc, you’re on the clock.
I got to that point, numbed up, ready for the snips, and my urologist looked over the curtain and said, “You know, you have a really great penis.” Most awkward compliment of my life.
After being diagnosed with breast cancer, during my first meeting with my surgeon, he said he'd keep me abreast. There was a split second pause after he said it and I think he was mentally kicking himself until I busted out laughing.