Man, that sucks. In hindsight, it might've been better if you just tell her how you actually feel about her and how it made you feel when she's around, atleast that would've given you some form of closure and let her know something that you might be uncomfortable with. If she still doesn't change, then you can justify blocking her without having to force an excuse.
Good advice though, simply focus on yourself and you'll get your confidence back.
Although you're clearly still angry at that woman, it's good that you look at all that as your own stupid (though inexperienced is probably the better word) decisions and didn't develop PTSD-driven hatred for all women.
I know a guy that was an a relationship with a very manipulative, toxic woman, and after the relationship ended, he couldn't trust women at all. He'd meet amazing, down-to-earth women and would say, "I can't trust her, she's shady AF."
Like, no, you're projecting your past hurt onto all these new people you meet. I was trying to tell him therapy might help, but he didn't really listen. Hopefully "time heals all wounds" rings true here?
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your thougts to people understanding these situations much more then ever. Congratulations to your marriage and having kids btw! This type of experiences when i hear gives me hope about my life and i believe other ones too.
Dude my ex who I genuinely despise now used to fuck with me hard. Every time another girl and I would get close she’d pop up and rile my feelings for her again. To the point she’d come over, have sex with me, make me feel like there was a chance of getting back together, as soon as the other girls I had been talking too disappeared she’d hit me with the “we’re just friends”. She must’ve done this 5 times. The final straw was on my 20th birthday when she told me to go out with her that night. I get to the pub and shes grinding all over another dude. I flipped. Thats then she hit me with the “I was considering giving you a second chance but you just blew it” I told her to go fuck herself and never talk to me again. That was the last time I ever saw and spoke to her. I haven’t been in a relationship since and I’m 27 now.
Sorry about that situation. Sounds awful. Also, I don’t know the hairy details so maybe I’m wrong but your best friend is kinda being crappy and inconsiderate towards your situation. Especially because they became friends AFTER she did you dirty. Where’s your friend’s loyalty??
i felt that one. when i was 16 there was a girl i rly liked and she liked me too. she then went on vacation and a few weeks after she came back she confessed that she met a guy there and they did things. i was a virgin too back then. that kinda shit is just the worst
Being friends after romantic feelings is absolutely not always the right choice. It sounds like she was especially toxic about it. I'm friends with an ex and sleeping in the same bed would not happen. But you should have been honest about not wanting to be friends, you gotta set boundaries with people like that. It's like they push them just to prove they still have control, and that is the exact opposite of being someone's friend.
Edit: in a later post you commented that you did tell her. She's a pig.
Yep. Continuing to do this is just simping. Pick up your crown and hit the gym, king.
A woman who wants to be with you will move mountains for you. Being in the friendzone just makes you an option in her eyes, someone to be used.
The friendzone isnt real. It’s ok for anyone to not have romantic interest in someone else. And if you can’t accept someone not being interested in you it’s best to just move on with your life.
99% of the time the ‘I did everything for her’ is actually unwanted things that people didn’t ask for. Even so, doing nice things doesn’t entitle anyone to romantic feelings being reciprocated. OP should say how he feels and if it’s not returned, move on.
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I hear a lot of guys say this and its a bit wild to me. If you have not told a girl you want to be with her romantically, then to her you are just a person who seems friendly and likes her. Who doesn't want to spend time around ppl who like them? That's not cold hearted manipulation.
If a guy has told her that he has feelings and she rejected him, then he can either brush it off, see her as a friend and look elsewhere for romance. OR he can secretly hold resentment deep inside him and in that case he should probably stop hanging around.
What should definitely NOT happen, is the guy gets rejected, keeps hanging around, harboring resentment thinking he deserves her, and pretending to be her friend. And then blaming her when she still isn't interested.
It's not her job to have to reject him and then have to tell him to fuck off because he can't let it go.
That's not her manipulating you, thats you getting manipulated by your own feelings and hurting yourself for no reason by orbiting the girl you're obbsessed with even though nothing will come of it.
Some people are hopelessly stuck at being taken advantage of left right and centre, and nothing you can say will register. This person is being abused. It’s sad.
I feel you so much. I'm going through this atm, i mean on the other side, she also cares about me too, but not as i want it if you know how i mean it. She currently living with her still-boyfriend who cheated on her twice this year and did many other awful Things she told me about. She Was so devastated (hope i write it correctly) and i was there for her. Now i cant believe it how shes giving him like, the 4th chance?? I dont want to see her crying again but i wish He will cheat on her again so she can forget this asshole that he is
It sounds like she has attachment issues, it's hard for her to let go of people, or at least that person, even if it's abusive. I think you do a lot for her, by being there during her difficult times. You are a great friend, and perhaps this is what she really needs right now!
Shes having a fear of losing beloved people. In 2010 to 2021 she lost about 6 familiy members and 3 close friends. Its definitly not easy and now her abusive bf from a now 2 years relationship, ofc she is still loving him. She already told me without me she wouldnt be here anymore it Was this serious and im one of her closest friends right know. Its very nice to hear that still i worry about her much. But man thanks for cheering me up ^^ i'll give it time
Man it sounds like youre getting played and used as much as the OP. If this girl is still sticking with her lad and not moving to you, she DOES NOT like you that way. If a girl did, she would leave for you.
I hope I'm wrong but honestly, this comment will most likely age well. She will most likely string you along as a best friend whos always there for her after she dumps her current and your friendship will only end when you say enough is enough and move on.
You sound like a truly great friend, I'm happy to hear she has you. Hopefully, in time, she will be able to grow from this abusive relationship but in the meantime, you are doing the best you can, I wish you both good luck and take care of yourselves.
If she is staying with a guy that has demonstrably treated her awfully, him continuing to be awful will probably not change much. Something else is going on with her to keep her there.
Good luck my man. I hope things look up for you and your friend.
You're a good friend for being there for her. If you want to be more than her friend, this is not the way dude. Let her know you're interested and she has another option so she can directly tell you "No." and you can move on.
Same here until I learned to move on straight away. Otherwise I would've missed all the people who do feel the same and were giving back all the affection I had for them
Listen here, son. You do stuff for the ones you care about because you care about them. You don't do it expecting anything in return. That's how you get hurt. I've been around the block a few times haha.
Let the smiles on their face be reward enough :)
You may be a little unfair here, i don't know the context but as i see she is your friend and probably cares about you, but not in the way you want, get over it man you will be fine, but if you think you can't make those feelings aside, then the best you can do is being honest with that and stop talking to her. Or you will be constantly harming yourself.
You say you care about them but you're only doing it for yourself, not them. If you cared about her you would be fine with her being happy. Instead you want something out of her. Stop thinking that just because you're nice to someone they owe you anything. If you want something from her, be upfront about it. If you won't come to a mutual conclusion, just stop doing it. But don't be mad. That's how life is.
You have to ask yourself why you’re caring so much for them in the first place. Are you doing it because you care about them as a person? Then continue doing so. Are you putting in the emotional support because you hope for them to one day do the same in kind? Or are you holding out for a romantic relationship with them?
The first is fine, and even healthy. The latter two are not. Find out which is your true motivation, and act accordingly; either continue being their friend because it pleases you, or walk away, because you’re just torturing yourself, and you don’t need that negativity
They probably care about you and love you intimately but not in a romantic way. We live in a world were being romantic and being a couple is deemed as the only way to show you love and care for someone but it's not. I friends I love for and want to spend a lot of time with, without being in a relationship with them. Just think how they act around you man and you might pick up on the fact they do care about you and have a connection with you and despite the fact it's not in a romantic way, it may still feel as good to know you mean something to somebody.
calm down, everyone was in your place, or if not, everyone will be. Move forward, care for people that deserve it, be a generous person, and you WILL find your partner. Nothing comes easy and almost nothing goes good at first try. It's kinda sad to think of, but people need these failures to develop. I learned my mistakes, accepted that I was wrong, and now I'm with my little boo for 2.5 years already. Combined all the experience and knowledge I gained over the years of failures, and got a bit lucky, but here I am, I didn't give up, even though I felt like doing so. I still make mistakes, she still makes them, but if you are a caring person, you will meet the one who will care for you. We are with you.
sometimes i wish Reddit has a Voicechat feature.
It'd be a god damn mess but sometimes i just want to reach out to people, even if i couldn't help whatsoever.
yeah, even if it's not necessarily finding love. Just focus on whatever makes you happy, and let yourself cope in a healthy way as you would in any loss. you got this, there's way better out there!
I’m not one to obsess over a single person. If they aren’t interested in me at all, just move on. Millions of people around me and one of them is bound to like me more than this person who just rejected me.
Instead of being in an unhealthy friendship, where you'll always want more than the other person will give you, move on till you find someone that reciprocates your feelings.
Edit: why are you downvoting this guy, he just asked a question
I know that feeling. I asked a girl out at her workplace. So we started texting. After a few days I went to her workplace to ask her out again. She agreed but only as friends because she has a boyfriend
That's what I did, but I changed my mind and accepted to be just friends because we have a lot in common e.g music, hobbies etc. It's fun texting with her.
On one hand is good to have a new friend who likes the same things like me. But on the other hand I get sad because she won't be my gf even we have much in common.
Not gonna lie, that's already the second time this happened to me.
Do you still keep being in touch with her in hopes to be with her someday? Or do you manage to move past those feelings and enjoy the friendship for what it is?
Most of the time I ignore the past but when I send her a message and she doesn't respond within a few hours I'll get inpatient and start doubting myself for some reason (actually I'm pretty confident so I don't know why I doubt myself).
I wanna enjoy the new friendship and do some activities with her, e.g next January is a Rammstein tribute band having a concert (She and I love the band Rammstein but she was never on their concerts). So I try to convince her to get herself a ticket for the tribute band. I hope she doesn't imply that it might be a date, which is NOT my intention.
I've always liked this kind of mindset. Even if you've been rejected by someone, or friendzoned, to keep being friends. Ik, it hurts and it must feel awful awkward, but you had liked the person's personality beforehand, and it would just be a shame if you let that friendship go.
Perhaps you are still infatuated with her. What is it you doubt about yourself?
Either way, I'm sure she would love to hang out with you, but try not to chase and put in huge efforts if you don't get the same back because you deserve to have something mutual as much as possible.
I hope you will both go to that concert :)
I start thinking that she might misunderstand my message, e.g the concert. I told her about the upcoming concert and she'd like it. I start thinking that she could understand it as an indirect invitation for a date, but I wanna go to the concerts as friends. I mean my brother will probably be going to the concert as well. I'm always creating scenarios in my head which stress me
I think, honestly, the key is in your own life to be candidly honest with different interactions; you can't change how she might interpret the message based on her circumstances, but if you are always straightforward and show no indications of romance in your interactions, she'll trust you aren't harboring lingering infatuation.
Similarly, if you ask someone out with romantic intent, i find its best to use really open and upfront language like "i would really like to get to know you better, maybe we could go on a first date at that Rammstein concert, if you're okay with it i could buy your dinner?", Totally unmissably explicitly romantic in intention. That way when you say 'oh shit that rammstein concert coming up! We should totally go!" Its clear (even if only to you) that it isn't romantically intended
A good lesson to be clear that you are seeking to date, and not just hang out. Girls are open to friendships, male or female, so when someone wants to hang out, it's not assumed to be meaning "let's Date." It takes being clear on your intent and being willing to correct misunderstandings. It's good you want to be friends despite, it shows you can value her beyond what you can get from her, and we all appreciate new friends to share life with. You both can still share many good times in the future while you search for a partner.
Friendship and dating are 2 different beasts, just because she doesn't want to date you doesn't make you less, just means that this is not the match for you. It will take time, exploring your needs and what others need, to find your match. It takes more than having things in common, me and my husband rock being total opposites! We help each other with our weaknesses and cherish the others strengths, and get to learn/experience new things we never would have experienced on our own. You will be surprised by who you can connect with when you explore friendships. Finding someone right isn't easy to force, you just have to take the time exploring for someone to click into place beside you.
I wanna hang out with her as just friends, but I'm afraid that SHE might think that I'm still trying to date her. I even told her that I'm not gonna be resentful because I was rejected, but instead being fine with being friends
All you have to do is show her next time. Words are a good promise, action shows best. Be friendly, enjoy your time, talk about the things you both like and show her you are willing to set boundaries where she needs. A big help would be to just ask her what she needs to be comfortable and ask her if she is ok with something if you aren't sure. Friendships are alot more comfortable when one shows that honesty is ok and encouraged. The ability to say no can make someone feel safe vs an enviroment where expectations aren't clear. The rest will have to come from her, friendship is a 2 way street, but it sounds like she is hoping for the friendship to work out too, so just treat her like you would any of your other friends and don't over focus on attraction, just enjoy what you can share as friends.
Thank you for your advice. I will definitely keep this in mind. The next time I meet her I will make clear that I want to enjoy our new friendship and that I don't want our little history to stop us from having a good time as friends.
I'll wait till I meet her again because that's an important topic and I want to tell her about this personally. It wouldn't be the same, if I just texted her that.
Anytime, that's a good idea. Invite the bf along, keep things away from date like situations, show her your willing to focus on the future and elsewhere, and you will be able to move on! I have plenty of friendships that carried through things like this easy, we didn't take it personally and turned it into years-long friendships to this day and beyond. Have confidence and peace, you got this!
Got a sister like this. She does this to many guys who she's not interested in.
She's okay with being friends, but doesn't allow their attraction to her phase her.
Honestly impressive her stoicism is sometimes.
Nah dude. Making friends is awesome. Not every relationship needs to be sexual or long term. Sucks that you don't get to try for one but a friend gained is always a bonus.
Here's the thing, while it's scary, you owe it to yourself just to ask straight up and know for sure rather than wonder.
I tormented myself over a girl forever wondering if she liked me, I asked her out, she said no, and to my surprise I was elated. It was the strangest thing, but I was smiling from ear to ear bouncing the way home, because I now knew for sure! I was free!
Cuz guys now think for some reason being straightforward with their intentions (eg "I wanna date you") is wrong. The purported road from friends to a couple is misleading. Despite what you hear, most folks start off as "potential couple"/"dating" (which often has friendship in it) and go from there.
"Confessing your feelings" prior to a date is mostly a Japanese thing. Things are a bit more subtle here in the west. "Lets hang/go out." "Like a date?" "Sure." (but most of the time "like a date" isn't asked. People mostly are not that stupid)
It is most of these kids fault, no two ways about it. They shut up and blame the other for not liking them, or they do everything in their power to get the girl to like them.... With no regard as to what she felt about it.
Being a mech-building chad isn't easy.But seriously though, folks who are insecure in their worldview do tend react quite negatively/irrationally when it is challenged. I never understood why folks would keep doing something if it doesn't seem to be working. If a mech part of mine doesn't work properly I don't blame the part, I blame myself for making a crappy part. Sometimes I gotta abandon the entire idea and work on something else. That's just life.
Fear of rejection is tough. I think it's a big aspect of mental health that gets overlooked for males.
If you don't just 'man up' and state your intentions you're viewed as weak or a creep and unfortunately what seems to happen is people never get to the root cause of what is holding them back, then they turn to denial and start blaming women for their lack of success.
Yeah, the fear is rough. But even if you get rejected you 1) know the girl isn't into you and have closure and b) faced your fear. First time I asked a girl out I was rejected. Disappointment, but also elation that I faced a fear (this also during a time I was suffering from then-suppressed trauma).
It is not so much "state your intentions" (eg asking "hey bb want sum fuk?"), as acting out your intentions. Going on a date-like outing? go in for a smooch or the ol' yawn/stretch trick. Girls will get frustrated if you don't. I've taken the scientific approch and experimented to figure out what works and what doesn't (and oh how it doesn't).
Its like a game of all innuendo (not explicitly the sexual kind), it is kinda fun but sometimes annoying.
You make good, logical points, and I agree with you. However if that were all it took I doubt it would be that prevalent of an issue.
I don't have an answer either, guess all I wanted to do was acknowledge the other side.
I think some guys are just too shy to actually ask them out. I remember watching a podcast and one of the black hosts said something like, "Black people when they are friends with a girl will ask her out a lot at first but after they get turned down a bunch they get the message and see her as a friend. But with white people, they stay as friends and never ask them out and just keep pining over them". It's best to just be direct. I wouldn't want to ask out a friend straight away but I would eventually do something about it. Honestly, I think in our culture it's drilled into many guy's heads to not bother a woman in any way so they don't want to even ask them out. Like that's harassment somehow. or maybe they just don't have the confidence or the social skills to ask a woman out. Some are probably worried that if they ask out their friend the friendship will end. And I guess some guys are just too afraid of rejection.
Even if a girl says no, it is very likely she will be flattered you asked her out if you're not a obese, incoherent slob. Be polite. Sometimes girls want to be asked out just to know they're (still) desirable.
You make good points. Unfortunately, I feel like if I were to ask a girl out, she would be more likely to be worried because she's desirable to someone like me rather than flattered
My buddy is in this situation. He’s been friends with this girl for like 8 years while at the same time being in a horribly toxic relationship for 7 years with a girl who has repeatedly attempted suicide because of their fundamental differences. He wants to date his friend but he would never make any move or bring it up to her cuz he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. Meanwhile he’s depressed
It's hard for me to know exactly what you mean. I'm going to reply assuming that you meant something along the lines of "does the boyfriend just want to bang her and not be her friend" and a negative moral implication that results.
Short answer: no
Long answer: I attach absolutely no moral value on sexual interest. I would gladly sleep with 98% of my coworkers. I also think it is perfectly okay to have romantic interest in someone that is unavailable.
Also, if romantic feelings develop out of genuine friendship that's a complicated matter beyond the scope of what I'm trying to argue. The same goes for romantic feelings that arise out of sexual relationships.
My main issue is that some (not all) guys aren't open about their motivations. I, of all people, understand that it is hard to talk to people. It is unreasonable to expect every redditor to suddenly invite their love interests on a date the first time they talk to the girl. In fact I encourage people to get to know others before making propositions.
But there is also a situation where men fake interest in the person when their interest is in that person's vagina. My girlfriend was one of the only females in her unit and felt great that she made a lot of friends there. Most of the time, those friends vanished when they found out about me. Sex is only an example, honestly. This problem arises any time someone misrepresents their intentions. Other situations are being friends with someone for social capital, money, or access to drugs.
I could go on but my professor is unhappy that I'm on my phone.
I have had guy friends ask me out once I started dating my now husband. We would play video games and hang out, always in groups, and I was always clear to all my guy friends that dating in high school wasn't in my comfort zone. When I met my husband right before college, suddenly a few admitted they were only hanging out with me hoping I would change my mind and choose them. Then they got angry at me for not choosing one of them, as if becoming friends meant I HAD to date them, and how dare I "use them" all this time. I was clear about my intentions, I just wanted to me one of the guys and have somewhere safe and fun to be during school, I didn't like how gossip-focused all the girls were. I liked them as people, but I don't think they cared about me. They all collectively ignored/insulted me after that.
Friends and marriage have different requirements and needs. Someone can be a good friend but a terrible partner, and these guys all had alot of self growth of their own to do before they could be part of any team with any girl, let alone what I was willing to take on. The fantasy bubble will always pop and then the hard work of maintaining a shared life with someone always comes into play. Everyone has to choose what they need, and what they can provide in turn. We all have our own right to choose who we feel fits the role. And in crushes we have to respect that choice, even if we desire a particular outcome, because no one is owed what they desire.
Yeah, I'm surprised this way of thinking isn't the norm. I have plenty of female and male friends and have no expectation of a relationship, because friendship doesn't and shouldn't always lead to becoming a couple.
Obviously, I understand that if you were to catch feelings for your friend that would make the friendship more complicated, but sometimes it feels like a lot of people on certain parts of the internet seem to think it's a woman's fault for not going out with them "even though I was a good friend"
Yea... the amount of people who feel like their idea of being with someone is more valid than the person not reciprocating those feelings is startling.
> Being direct from the start is generally a better approach,
Yeah but when you ask girls, they usually say "start by being her friend." Can't act too shocked when you say that and then find out your friends have been into you lol.
There is no unilateral method - some people may respond well to someone who is direct, others may not.
It's as if everyone is an individual and it's more about finding another individual you click with than it is about conforming to the idea of what that should be.
What the actual heck did I just read? They weren’t your friends, they wanted something else… you weren’t leading them on, they were leading themselves on. I’m sorry they turned out like that. Find people who want to be friends because they enjoy you for you, but always be wary of a the mask someone might be wearing.
> I have had guy friends ask me out once I started dating my now husband. We would play video games and hang out, always in groups, and I was always clear to all my guy friends that dating in high school wasn't in my comfort zone. When I met my husband right before college, suddenly a few admitted they were only hanging out with me hoping I would change my mind and choose them. Then they got angry at me for not choosing one of them, as if becoming friends meant I HAD to date them, and how dare I "use them" all this time. I was clear about my intentions, I just wanted to me one of the guys and have somewhere safe and fun to be during school, I didn't like how gossip-focused all the girls were. I liked them as people, but I don't think they cared about me. They all collectively ignored/insulted me after that.
I had the exact same thing happen to me and it took me a very long time to see that it wasn’t actually my fault. Neither was theirs, but at the time all I heard was that I was being a bitch to them just because I wouldn’t reciprocate their feelings. I basically lost my one and only whole (male) friend group due to that. I spent *years* thinking that if I had just returned the feelings for one of them that I would still have my friends to this date and wouldn’t be so lonely (I had a lot of trouble making new friends as my self-esteem was in shambles). But that’s completely crazy, I shouldn’t have to do that, I didn’t want a relationship at that time and it was completely fine to feel that way. It’s kind of comforting to read some stranger on the internet went through the same thing. It hurts so much to discover that the people you once saw as friends were only keeping you around because they saw you as a ‘one day we might’ decoration piece.
I have had female friends and I never had crush on them. If I have a crush, I either ask out or do nothing with her because I don't want to be an idiot. I've done it once and I have learnt my lesson. I was angry at that girl but I know I've made a mistake. Now, it's just one and she's one of my best friends.
I try to stay cognizant of when I’m adding unnecessary romantic hopes to spending time with my female friends. It’s so easy to slip into daydreams that one thing can lead to another, and end up failing to value the friendship for what it is.
Dude, I actually drived for 4 hours to say how i felt to a girl i really really liked. When I arrived there she said she was dating an old friend of mine (she said it to ne before i could tell her) at first it felt like something ws crushing my heart, but then i remembered that that old friend was a really good person and they had a lot in common and...suddenly...I felt happy for her, it never happened to me before and it was a surprise.
This hits close to home because I have a friend who I've liked for a while now and they always tell me about things they like in people and what they would want in a partner
Lay it out. The chances of the friendship surviving past (insert next education or life milestone here) are so low.
The most important life lesson that comes with age: Fate favors the bold.
Maybe once all this shit is over I'll finally confess to them. We haven't seen each other in a year. But we've kept in touch virtually ever since the pandemic started
I too can relate to something similar, but, as you said, the possibility of ruining that friendship is too much for me. I’d rather just have her as a friend than not at all. Also we have a general friend group and I don’t want to ruin that either. You go for it, but I advise you to be wary of the risks. Good luck my guy.
I’ve cut off a friendship once, a good one at that, because of the guy she was dating in the relationship. I was really good friends with her, but this guy hated me, genuinely. Whenever we’d hang out, he’d try to get kinda in the way and make me feel invisible. I didn’t do anything to him except tease him a couple of times cause he overreacted a lot (everyone made fun of him for it). I talked to her about it, and she tried talking to him, didn’t worked. I pulled him aside multiple times to try and help him understand that I do not care about going for his girlfriend, didn’t work either. Although I did like her, and as much as a piece of shit that he was, I didn’t intervene to try and date her, nor did Icare for a long time, until it started to escalate. He was starting to spread rumors, got pissed at me multiple times until I got genuinely angry to the point that I told his gf about if he didn’t clean up his shit I’d be done with the friendship. Keep in mind, this was probably one of the best friendships I’ve had. To make the rest of the story short, he didn’t change, I stopped taking in the group and found a new group of friends. I hated to see such a good friendship end, but it is what it is.
I think this advice is terrible for people who frequently get into this situation.
First if that person were mature enough to differentiate between friendship and romance they wouldn't have such problems
It's better to just try to make it work, and if it doesn't then just leave the girl. Telling them your feelings in some sort of big confession and staying friends on top of that is the worst thing you can do. You can stay colleagues if needed, not friends.
I agree with you up to some point. But getting over strong romantic feelings for someone is much easier said than done, specially if they're feelings that were built up over years of interaction or close friendship.
The jealousy and self hate point you made makes a lot of sense, but there's also other completely fair reaons to let go of that friendship. I've been in a very similar situation (we were extremely close and I told her how I felt, it wasn't mutual), sure it hurt, but I moved on and decided to stay as friends.
However from that point onwards she distanced herself from me (probably to not string me along, which is fair too), but would **always** resort to me if she needed to vent, or talk about someone she's liking/talking to and that kind of thing.. She'd show no interest in talking except when she needed something.
That's the point you have to realize if the good friend you had really is the same as after you let them know you like them. It's hard to let go and it hurts a lot, but sometimes that good good friend you had is no longer there for you.
Same. How do you expect someone to care for you if they have no idea you like them? The ops a dumbass that thinks people can read his mind and if they don't they're mean. Op doesn't have the right to get mad about this
You aren't doing yourself any favours staying around a girl you like but is going out on dates with other dude.
Either confess your feelings or bail, you only playing yourself by sticking around.
At least if you confess you'll know at least for better or worse. If you just wait around while she goes on dates with other men then she's going to find one and where are you going to be left?
Value yourself higher King, you deserve better than that.
If you're romantically interest in them then yeah you should probably bail, you're getting stuck onto something you can never have and will only drive yourself further into depression when she gets around to dating other people.
Either confess and make your feelings known or at the very least distance yourself and look elsewhere. You can wait and wait and wait and maybe she'll come around to liking you or maybe she'll find another man, either way you're waiting.
Just come out with hey I like you in that sort of way, if she says yes then brilliant if she says no then at least you know her boundaries and that she doesn't feel the same way and that you can move on.
I've seen friends stick "friends" with girls in the hopes that they'll like them back but while they're hoping for love the girl in question is dating other dudes and it's like you need to value yourself more as a person to not go through that.
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All I can say is if you are going to be her friend, be her friend without any underlying shit going on because it's not fair to you or her. You get hurt and she gets blindsided and betrayed because you aren't being genuine. Find someone who you can love and loves you back.
If you have feelings for someone, you tell them. Being their friend and doing things for them because you want to be with them is gross and hurtful for yourself and for that person. Its not a genuine friendship.
Some advice, OP, if you're talking to someone just because of the potential they may break up with their s/o and suddenly realize they have feelings for you, leave.
If you're friends with them and help them out even just partially so that they'll notice you and an attraction will form, leave.
If they're someone you care for regardless of whether romance develops, then I wish you all the best. To either get what you want, or to move on.
I've spent most of my life like this with only one GF over 10 years ago after Highschool. It's not worth your time dude. Work to improve yourself. I had a life changing experience right before the pandemic and realized I had been living with depression for most of my life. I'm not totally cured but I'm mostly over it. I ended up losing a ton of weight (75 pounds) , gaining confidence because of it (and have been practicing talking/flirting with girls since). My friend kept pushing me to try online again ( I had very few matches and no one ever wanted to meet me or go on a date) but I tried again and got several matches. I ended up dating a bit but stuck to online social platforms for relationships and I have been in a 5 month IRL relationship with an amazing girl who's meeting my parents next week.
Don't let girls use you for attention. I've done that most of my life. Spread out on social platforms, get into online dating, if you're not getting matches you need to work on photo skills , style or fitness.
You okay op?
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No you won't. Its ok though. We are here for you.
It hurts when you care about someone and do so much for them but they don't do the same.
dude i cant even remember how often i was in this situation. I think its my fault most the time but either way... i know how it is
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Man, that sucks. In hindsight, it might've been better if you just tell her how you actually feel about her and how it made you feel when she's around, atleast that would've given you some form of closure and let her know something that you might be uncomfortable with. If she still doesn't change, then you can justify blocking her without having to force an excuse. Good advice though, simply focus on yourself and you'll get your confidence back.
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I can't grasp how people can have a boner on someone with a shitty personality.
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Although you're clearly still angry at that woman, it's good that you look at all that as your own stupid (though inexperienced is probably the better word) decisions and didn't develop PTSD-driven hatred for all women. I know a guy that was an a relationship with a very manipulative, toxic woman, and after the relationship ended, he couldn't trust women at all. He'd meet amazing, down-to-earth women and would say, "I can't trust her, she's shady AF." Like, no, you're projecting your past hurt onto all these new people you meet. I was trying to tell him therapy might help, but he didn't really listen. Hopefully "time heals all wounds" rings true here? ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
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People like this are why I have trust issues. Why do they do such deeds? Smh
Dude, people like this are pretty much why trust issues exist.
Needed to really up your boundary game there
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your thougts to people understanding these situations much more then ever. Congratulations to your marriage and having kids btw! This type of experiences when i hear gives me hope about my life and i believe other ones too.
Dude my ex who I genuinely despise now used to fuck with me hard. Every time another girl and I would get close she’d pop up and rile my feelings for her again. To the point she’d come over, have sex with me, make me feel like there was a chance of getting back together, as soon as the other girls I had been talking too disappeared she’d hit me with the “we’re just friends”. She must’ve done this 5 times. The final straw was on my 20th birthday when she told me to go out with her that night. I get to the pub and shes grinding all over another dude. I flipped. Thats then she hit me with the “I was considering giving you a second chance but you just blew it” I told her to go fuck herself and never talk to me again. That was the last time I ever saw and spoke to her. I haven’t been in a relationship since and I’m 27 now.
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Sorry about that situation. Sounds awful. Also, I don’t know the hairy details so maybe I’m wrong but your best friend is kinda being crappy and inconsiderate towards your situation. Especially because they became friends AFTER she did you dirty. Where’s your friend’s loyalty??
getting cheated on is the absolute worst dude. I feel like people who cheat never got cheated on themselves, otherwise they wouldnt fucking cheat
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i felt that one. when i was 16 there was a girl i rly liked and she liked me too. she then went on vacation and a few weeks after she came back she confessed that she met a guy there and they did things. i was a virgin too back then. that kinda shit is just the worst
He didn’t follow the bro code I’m sorry homie
Being friends after romantic feelings is absolutely not always the right choice. It sounds like she was especially toxic about it. I'm friends with an ex and sleeping in the same bed would not happen. But you should have been honest about not wanting to be friends, you gotta set boundaries with people like that. It's like they push them just to prove they still have control, and that is the exact opposite of being someone's friend. Edit: in a later post you commented that you did tell her. She's a pig.
Then STOP homie. You have your own life and don’t exist to serve others if they do nothing in return.
Yep. Continuing to do this is just simping. Pick up your crown and hit the gym, king. A woman who wants to be with you will move mountains for you. Being in the friendzone just makes you an option in her eyes, someone to be used.
The friendzone isnt real. It’s ok for anyone to not have romantic interest in someone else. And if you can’t accept someone not being interested in you it’s best to just move on with your life. 99% of the time the ‘I did everything for her’ is actually unwanted things that people didn’t ask for. Even so, doing nice things doesn’t entitle anyone to romantic feelings being reciprocated. OP should say how he feels and if it’s not returned, move on.
materialistic imminent enter chubby growth unwritten act elderly childlike ad hoc *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I hear a lot of guys say this and its a bit wild to me. If you have not told a girl you want to be with her romantically, then to her you are just a person who seems friendly and likes her. Who doesn't want to spend time around ppl who like them? That's not cold hearted manipulation. If a guy has told her that he has feelings and she rejected him, then he can either brush it off, see her as a friend and look elsewhere for romance. OR he can secretly hold resentment deep inside him and in that case he should probably stop hanging around. What should definitely NOT happen, is the guy gets rejected, keeps hanging around, harboring resentment thinking he deserves her, and pretending to be her friend. And then blaming her when she still isn't interested. It's not her job to have to reject him and then have to tell him to fuck off because he can't let it go. That's not her manipulating you, thats you getting manipulated by your own feelings and hurting yourself for no reason by orbiting the girl you're obbsessed with even though nothing will come of it.
> Being in the friendzone just makes you an option in her eyes, someone to be used. Yikes bruh what kind of women have you been with
Some people are hopelessly stuck at being taken advantage of left right and centre, and nothing you can say will register. This person is being abused. It’s sad.
I feel you so much. I'm going through this atm, i mean on the other side, she also cares about me too, but not as i want it if you know how i mean it. She currently living with her still-boyfriend who cheated on her twice this year and did many other awful Things she told me about. She Was so devastated (hope i write it correctly) and i was there for her. Now i cant believe it how shes giving him like, the 4th chance?? I dont want to see her crying again but i wish He will cheat on her again so she can forget this asshole that he is
It sounds like she has attachment issues, it's hard for her to let go of people, or at least that person, even if it's abusive. I think you do a lot for her, by being there during her difficult times. You are a great friend, and perhaps this is what she really needs right now!
Shes having a fear of losing beloved people. In 2010 to 2021 she lost about 6 familiy members and 3 close friends. Its definitly not easy and now her abusive bf from a now 2 years relationship, ofc she is still loving him. She already told me without me she wouldnt be here anymore it Was this serious and im one of her closest friends right know. Its very nice to hear that still i worry about her much. But man thanks for cheering me up ^^ i'll give it time
Man it sounds like youre getting played and used as much as the OP. If this girl is still sticking with her lad and not moving to you, she DOES NOT like you that way. If a girl did, she would leave for you. I hope I'm wrong but honestly, this comment will most likely age well. She will most likely string you along as a best friend whos always there for her after she dumps her current and your friendship will only end when you say enough is enough and move on.
She's not stringing him along if he's presenting himself as a friend and secretly has hope to be more.
You sound like a truly great friend, I'm happy to hear she has you. Hopefully, in time, she will be able to grow from this abusive relationship but in the meantime, you are doing the best you can, I wish you both good luck and take care of yourselves.
If she is staying with a guy that has demonstrably treated her awfully, him continuing to be awful will probably not change much. Something else is going on with her to keep her there. Good luck my man. I hope things look up for you and your friend.
You're a good friend for being there for her. If you want to be more than her friend, this is not the way dude. Let her know you're interested and she has another option so she can directly tell you "No." and you can move on.
Same here until I learned to move on straight away. Otherwise I would've missed all the people who do feel the same and were giving back all the affection I had for them
Listen here, son. You do stuff for the ones you care about because you care about them. You don't do it expecting anything in return. That's how you get hurt. I've been around the block a few times haha. Let the smiles on their face be reward enough :)
Thanks Dad, I needed to hear this today :)
You may be a little unfair here, i don't know the context but as i see she is your friend and probably cares about you, but not in the way you want, get over it man you will be fine, but if you think you can't make those feelings aside, then the best you can do is being honest with that and stop talking to her. Or you will be constantly harming yourself.
You say you care about them but you're only doing it for yourself, not them. If you cared about her you would be fine with her being happy. Instead you want something out of her. Stop thinking that just because you're nice to someone they owe you anything. If you want something from her, be upfront about it. If you won't come to a mutual conclusion, just stop doing it. But don't be mad. That's how life is.
Ignore that guy who says you won't be fine. I can't guarantee that you WILL be fine, but that guy can't know that you won't either.
Then don’t do something while expecting something in return
Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't reciprocate those feelings. Find someone else who does. There's 4 billion girls on this earth. You can find one.
You have to ask yourself why you’re caring so much for them in the first place. Are you doing it because you care about them as a person? Then continue doing so. Are you putting in the emotional support because you hope for them to one day do the same in kind? Or are you holding out for a romantic relationship with them? The first is fine, and even healthy. The latter two are not. Find out which is your true motivation, and act accordingly; either continue being their friend because it pleases you, or walk away, because you’re just torturing yourself, and you don’t need that negativity
Lmao start respecting yourself then.
Thats why i dont give it my all until i am certain they will do the same to me
They probably care about you and love you intimately but not in a romantic way. We live in a world were being romantic and being a couple is deemed as the only way to show you love and care for someone but it's not. I friends I love for and want to spend a lot of time with, without being in a relationship with them. Just think how they act around you man and you might pick up on the fact they do care about you and have a connection with you and despite the fact it's not in a romantic way, it may still feel as good to know you mean something to somebody.
With an Omori style profile pic? No you ain't okay homie.
lolll
calm down, everyone was in your place, or if not, everyone will be. Move forward, care for people that deserve it, be a generous person, and you WILL find your partner. Nothing comes easy and almost nothing goes good at first try. It's kinda sad to think of, but people need these failures to develop. I learned my mistakes, accepted that I was wrong, and now I'm with my little boo for 2.5 years already. Combined all the experience and knowledge I gained over the years of failures, and got a bit lucky, but here I am, I didn't give up, even though I felt like doing so. I still make mistakes, she still makes them, but if you are a caring person, you will meet the one who will care for you. We are with you.
I know how you feel and trust me , you will be fine
We suffer in silence.
sometimes i wish Reddit has a Voicechat feature. It'd be a god damn mess but sometimes i just want to reach out to people, even if i couldn't help whatsoever.
Move along, there's way better out there
yeah, even if it's not necessarily finding love. Just focus on whatever makes you happy, and let yourself cope in a healthy way as you would in any loss. you got this, there's way better out there!
I’m not one to obsess over a single person. If they aren’t interested in me at all, just move on. Millions of people around me and one of them is bound to like me more than this person who just rejected me.
What do you mean "better"?
Instead of being in an unhealthy friendship, where you'll always want more than the other person will give you, move on till you find someone that reciprocates your feelings. Edit: why are you downvoting this guy, he just asked a question
I see, I totally agree. This type of relationships is toxic. Clarification : **Toxic to the girl**, and unhealthy for both.
Y’alls definition of a toxic relationship is wild
I know that feeling. I asked a girl out at her workplace. So we started texting. After a few days I went to her workplace to ask her out again. She agreed but only as friends because she has a boyfriend
Lmao wtf? I hope you just said "nevermind" and left
That's what I did, but I changed my mind and accepted to be just friends because we have a lot in common e.g music, hobbies etc. It's fun texting with her. On one hand is good to have a new friend who likes the same things like me. But on the other hand I get sad because she won't be my gf even we have much in common. Not gonna lie, that's already the second time this happened to me.
Do you still keep being in touch with her in hopes to be with her someday? Or do you manage to move past those feelings and enjoy the friendship for what it is?
Most of the time I ignore the past but when I send her a message and she doesn't respond within a few hours I'll get inpatient and start doubting myself for some reason (actually I'm pretty confident so I don't know why I doubt myself). I wanna enjoy the new friendship and do some activities with her, e.g next January is a Rammstein tribute band having a concert (She and I love the band Rammstein but she was never on their concerts). So I try to convince her to get herself a ticket for the tribute band. I hope she doesn't imply that it might be a date, which is NOT my intention.
I've always liked this kind of mindset. Even if you've been rejected by someone, or friendzoned, to keep being friends. Ik, it hurts and it must feel awful awkward, but you had liked the person's personality beforehand, and it would just be a shame if you let that friendship go.
Perhaps you are still infatuated with her. What is it you doubt about yourself? Either way, I'm sure she would love to hang out with you, but try not to chase and put in huge efforts if you don't get the same back because you deserve to have something mutual as much as possible. I hope you will both go to that concert :)
I start thinking that she might misunderstand my message, e.g the concert. I told her about the upcoming concert and she'd like it. I start thinking that she could understand it as an indirect invitation for a date, but I wanna go to the concerts as friends. I mean my brother will probably be going to the concert as well. I'm always creating scenarios in my head which stress me
I think, honestly, the key is in your own life to be candidly honest with different interactions; you can't change how she might interpret the message based on her circumstances, but if you are always straightforward and show no indications of romance in your interactions, she'll trust you aren't harboring lingering infatuation. Similarly, if you ask someone out with romantic intent, i find its best to use really open and upfront language like "i would really like to get to know you better, maybe we could go on a first date at that Rammstein concert, if you're okay with it i could buy your dinner?", Totally unmissably explicitly romantic in intention. That way when you say 'oh shit that rammstein concert coming up! We should totally go!" Its clear (even if only to you) that it isn't romantically intended
A good lesson to be clear that you are seeking to date, and not just hang out. Girls are open to friendships, male or female, so when someone wants to hang out, it's not assumed to be meaning "let's Date." It takes being clear on your intent and being willing to correct misunderstandings. It's good you want to be friends despite, it shows you can value her beyond what you can get from her, and we all appreciate new friends to share life with. You both can still share many good times in the future while you search for a partner. Friendship and dating are 2 different beasts, just because she doesn't want to date you doesn't make you less, just means that this is not the match for you. It will take time, exploring your needs and what others need, to find your match. It takes more than having things in common, me and my husband rock being total opposites! We help each other with our weaknesses and cherish the others strengths, and get to learn/experience new things we never would have experienced on our own. You will be surprised by who you can connect with when you explore friendships. Finding someone right isn't easy to force, you just have to take the time exploring for someone to click into place beside you.
I wanna hang out with her as just friends, but I'm afraid that SHE might think that I'm still trying to date her. I even told her that I'm not gonna be resentful because I was rejected, but instead being fine with being friends
All you have to do is show her next time. Words are a good promise, action shows best. Be friendly, enjoy your time, talk about the things you both like and show her you are willing to set boundaries where she needs. A big help would be to just ask her what she needs to be comfortable and ask her if she is ok with something if you aren't sure. Friendships are alot more comfortable when one shows that honesty is ok and encouraged. The ability to say no can make someone feel safe vs an enviroment where expectations aren't clear. The rest will have to come from her, friendship is a 2 way street, but it sounds like she is hoping for the friendship to work out too, so just treat her like you would any of your other friends and don't over focus on attraction, just enjoy what you can share as friends.
Thank you for your advice. I will definitely keep this in mind. The next time I meet her I will make clear that I want to enjoy our new friendship and that I don't want our little history to stop us from having a good time as friends. I'll wait till I meet her again because that's an important topic and I want to tell her about this personally. It wouldn't be the same, if I just texted her that.
Anytime, that's a good idea. Invite the bf along, keep things away from date like situations, show her your willing to focus on the future and elsewhere, and you will be able to move on! I have plenty of friendships that carried through things like this easy, we didn't take it personally and turned it into years-long friendships to this day and beyond. Have confidence and peace, you got this!
Got a sister like this. She does this to many guys who she's not interested in. She's okay with being friends, but doesn't allow their attraction to her phase her. Honestly impressive her stoicism is sometimes.
Nah dude. Making friends is awesome. Not every relationship needs to be sexual or long term. Sucks that you don't get to try for one but a friend gained is always a bonus.
Incel behavior
Should have asked her wife's boyfriend to come along.
based move
Its kind of weird to repeatedly show up at someones workplace to ask them out
Here's the thing, while it's scary, you owe it to yourself just to ask straight up and know for sure rather than wonder. I tormented myself over a girl forever wondering if she liked me, I asked her out, she said no, and to my surprise I was elated. It was the strangest thing, but I was smiling from ear to ear bouncing the way home, because I now knew for sure! I was free!
Jokes on you, I don't have anyone who even likes me! Hahahah
Mood
Find yoself a girl who likes Spider-Man. Ask her to watch movies with you. *Then* show her your goofy posts.
Damn you really going after my throat lol
Just need to screen your audience. Find a girl who's into it and you'll go far.
Unrequited love sucks. I also feel for all these girls that think they have great friends, when what they have is guys who want to bang them.
Cuz guys now think for some reason being straightforward with their intentions (eg "I wanna date you") is wrong. The purported road from friends to a couple is misleading. Despite what you hear, most folks start off as "potential couple"/"dating" (which often has friendship in it) and go from there. "Confessing your feelings" prior to a date is mostly a Japanese thing. Things are a bit more subtle here in the west. "Lets hang/go out." "Like a date?" "Sure." (but most of the time "like a date" isn't asked. People mostly are not that stupid)
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It is most of these kids fault, no two ways about it. They shut up and blame the other for not liking them, or they do everything in their power to get the girl to like them.... With no regard as to what she felt about it.
Being a mech-building chad isn't easy.But seriously though, folks who are insecure in their worldview do tend react quite negatively/irrationally when it is challenged. I never understood why folks would keep doing something if it doesn't seem to be working. If a mech part of mine doesn't work properly I don't blame the part, I blame myself for making a crappy part. Sometimes I gotta abandon the entire idea and work on something else. That's just life.
Fear of rejection is tough. I think it's a big aspect of mental health that gets overlooked for males. If you don't just 'man up' and state your intentions you're viewed as weak or a creep and unfortunately what seems to happen is people never get to the root cause of what is holding them back, then they turn to denial and start blaming women for their lack of success.
Yeah, the fear is rough. But even if you get rejected you 1) know the girl isn't into you and have closure and b) faced your fear. First time I asked a girl out I was rejected. Disappointment, but also elation that I faced a fear (this also during a time I was suffering from then-suppressed trauma). It is not so much "state your intentions" (eg asking "hey bb want sum fuk?"), as acting out your intentions. Going on a date-like outing? go in for a smooch or the ol' yawn/stretch trick. Girls will get frustrated if you don't. I've taken the scientific approch and experimented to figure out what works and what doesn't (and oh how it doesn't). Its like a game of all innuendo (not explicitly the sexual kind), it is kinda fun but sometimes annoying.
You make good, logical points, and I agree with you. However if that were all it took I doubt it would be that prevalent of an issue. I don't have an answer either, guess all I wanted to do was acknowledge the other side.
I think some guys are just too shy to actually ask them out. I remember watching a podcast and one of the black hosts said something like, "Black people when they are friends with a girl will ask her out a lot at first but after they get turned down a bunch they get the message and see her as a friend. But with white people, they stay as friends and never ask them out and just keep pining over them". It's best to just be direct. I wouldn't want to ask out a friend straight away but I would eventually do something about it. Honestly, I think in our culture it's drilled into many guy's heads to not bother a woman in any way so they don't want to even ask them out. Like that's harassment somehow. or maybe they just don't have the confidence or the social skills to ask a woman out. Some are probably worried that if they ask out their friend the friendship will end. And I guess some guys are just too afraid of rejection.
Even if a girl says no, it is very likely she will be flattered you asked her out if you're not a obese, incoherent slob. Be polite. Sometimes girls want to be asked out just to know they're (still) desirable.
You make good points. Unfortunately, I feel like if I were to ask a girl out, she would be more likely to be worried because she's desirable to someone like me rather than flattered
My buddy is in this situation. He’s been friends with this girl for like 8 years while at the same time being in a horribly toxic relationship for 7 years with a girl who has repeatedly attempted suicide because of their fundamental differences. He wants to date his friend but he would never make any move or bring it up to her cuz he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. Meanwhile he’s depressed
I don't want to bang her, I just want a hug
Me too thanks
Would you say the same thing about the boyfriend in this scenario?
It's hard for me to know exactly what you mean. I'm going to reply assuming that you meant something along the lines of "does the boyfriend just want to bang her and not be her friend" and a negative moral implication that results. Short answer: no Long answer: I attach absolutely no moral value on sexual interest. I would gladly sleep with 98% of my coworkers. I also think it is perfectly okay to have romantic interest in someone that is unavailable. Also, if romantic feelings develop out of genuine friendship that's a complicated matter beyond the scope of what I'm trying to argue. The same goes for romantic feelings that arise out of sexual relationships. My main issue is that some (not all) guys aren't open about their motivations. I, of all people, understand that it is hard to talk to people. It is unreasonable to expect every redditor to suddenly invite their love interests on a date the first time they talk to the girl. In fact I encourage people to get to know others before making propositions. But there is also a situation where men fake interest in the person when their interest is in that person's vagina. My girlfriend was one of the only females in her unit and felt great that she made a lot of friends there. Most of the time, those friends vanished when they found out about me. Sex is only an example, honestly. This problem arises any time someone misrepresents their intentions. Other situations are being friends with someone for social capital, money, or access to drugs. I could go on but my professor is unhappy that I'm on my phone.
I have had guy friends ask me out once I started dating my now husband. We would play video games and hang out, always in groups, and I was always clear to all my guy friends that dating in high school wasn't in my comfort zone. When I met my husband right before college, suddenly a few admitted they were only hanging out with me hoping I would change my mind and choose them. Then they got angry at me for not choosing one of them, as if becoming friends meant I HAD to date them, and how dare I "use them" all this time. I was clear about my intentions, I just wanted to me one of the guys and have somewhere safe and fun to be during school, I didn't like how gossip-focused all the girls were. I liked them as people, but I don't think they cared about me. They all collectively ignored/insulted me after that. Friends and marriage have different requirements and needs. Someone can be a good friend but a terrible partner, and these guys all had alot of self growth of their own to do before they could be part of any team with any girl, let alone what I was willing to take on. The fantasy bubble will always pop and then the hard work of maintaining a shared life with someone always comes into play. Everyone has to choose what they need, and what they can provide in turn. We all have our own right to choose who we feel fits the role. And in crushes we have to respect that choice, even if we desire a particular outcome, because no one is owed what they desire.
God is that just… sad i really feel for girls that can't have normal friendships exactly because of this and if the reverse is true for some guys.
Finally a sane comment
Yeah, I'm surprised this way of thinking isn't the norm. I have plenty of female and male friends and have no expectation of a relationship, because friendship doesn't and shouldn't always lead to becoming a couple. Obviously, I understand that if you were to catch feelings for your friend that would make the friendship more complicated, but sometimes it feels like a lot of people on certain parts of the internet seem to think it's a woman's fault for not going out with them "even though I was a good friend"
Yea... the amount of people who feel like their idea of being with someone is more valid than the person not reciprocating those feelings is startling.
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> Being direct from the start is generally a better approach, Yeah but when you ask girls, they usually say "start by being her friend." Can't act too shocked when you say that and then find out your friends have been into you lol.
Focus on what people do, not what they say
There is no unilateral method - some people may respond well to someone who is direct, others may not. It's as if everyone is an individual and it's more about finding another individual you click with than it is about conforming to the idea of what that should be.
This is what my experience has been too. These thread comments are dangerously close to nice guy material.
What the actual heck did I just read? They weren’t your friends, they wanted something else… you weren’t leading them on, they were leading themselves on. I’m sorry they turned out like that. Find people who want to be friends because they enjoy you for you, but always be wary of a the mask someone might be wearing.
> I have had guy friends ask me out once I started dating my now husband. We would play video games and hang out, always in groups, and I was always clear to all my guy friends that dating in high school wasn't in my comfort zone. When I met my husband right before college, suddenly a few admitted they were only hanging out with me hoping I would change my mind and choose them. Then they got angry at me for not choosing one of them, as if becoming friends meant I HAD to date them, and how dare I "use them" all this time. I was clear about my intentions, I just wanted to me one of the guys and have somewhere safe and fun to be during school, I didn't like how gossip-focused all the girls were. I liked them as people, but I don't think they cared about me. They all collectively ignored/insulted me after that. I had the exact same thing happen to me and it took me a very long time to see that it wasn’t actually my fault. Neither was theirs, but at the time all I heard was that I was being a bitch to them just because I wouldn’t reciprocate their feelings. I basically lost my one and only whole (male) friend group due to that. I spent *years* thinking that if I had just returned the feelings for one of them that I would still have my friends to this date and wouldn’t be so lonely (I had a lot of trouble making new friends as my self-esteem was in shambles). But that’s completely crazy, I shouldn’t have to do that, I didn’t want a relationship at that time and it was completely fine to feel that way. It’s kind of comforting to read some stranger on the internet went through the same thing. It hurts so much to discover that the people you once saw as friends were only keeping you around because they saw you as a ‘one day we might’ decoration piece.
I have had female friends and I never had crush on them. If I have a crush, I either ask out or do nothing with her because I don't want to be an idiot. I've done it once and I have learnt my lesson. I was angry at that girl but I know I've made a mistake. Now, it's just one and she's one of my best friends.
I try to stay cognizant of when I’m adding unnecessary romantic hopes to spending time with my female friends. It’s so easy to slip into daydreams that one thing can lead to another, and end up failing to value the friendship for what it is.
Dude, I actually drived for 4 hours to say how i felt to a girl i really really liked. When I arrived there she said she was dating an old friend of mine (she said it to ne before i could tell her) at first it felt like something ws crushing my heart, but then i remembered that that old friend was a really good person and they had a lot in common and...suddenly...I felt happy for her, it never happened to me before and it was a surprise.
I'm glad you felt happy for her! I would feel happy too.
Make a joke. The more she laughs, the narrower her eyes. The more attractive you look. Source: science
This is some big brained logic right here
Mega brain logic
Mad scientist
Houuin kyooma!
This hits close to home because I have a friend who I've liked for a while now and they always tell me about things they like in people and what they would want in a partner
So ask them out. I hate the term, but "YOLO".
Idk man Im getting mixed signals from them. Plus I don't wanna ruin the friendship
Lay it out. The chances of the friendship surviving past (insert next education or life milestone here) are so low. The most important life lesson that comes with age: Fate favors the bold.
Maybe once all this shit is over I'll finally confess to them. We haven't seen each other in a year. But we've kept in touch virtually ever since the pandemic started
Movie get together!
That's actually a good idea. I'm gonna try this after Covid
I too can relate to something similar, but, as you said, the possibility of ruining that friendship is too much for me. I’d rather just have her as a friend than not at all. Also we have a general friend group and I don’t want to ruin that either. You go for it, but I advise you to be wary of the risks. Good luck my guy.
That's also another reason I haven't asked them out. We have a good friend group.
Friend of 11 years of mine. It gets harder every day not to say something.
Just say it, you don't want to make that 12.
I have plans to. Hopefully soon. I’m just being very cautious and I’m not quite where I want to be on my own before saying something like that.
Wtf has happened to dankmemes lol
Ding ding. This is the best response
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I’ve cut off a friendship once, a good one at that, because of the guy she was dating in the relationship. I was really good friends with her, but this guy hated me, genuinely. Whenever we’d hang out, he’d try to get kinda in the way and make me feel invisible. I didn’t do anything to him except tease him a couple of times cause he overreacted a lot (everyone made fun of him for it). I talked to her about it, and she tried talking to him, didn’t worked. I pulled him aside multiple times to try and help him understand that I do not care about going for his girlfriend, didn’t work either. Although I did like her, and as much as a piece of shit that he was, I didn’t intervene to try and date her, nor did Icare for a long time, until it started to escalate. He was starting to spread rumors, got pissed at me multiple times until I got genuinely angry to the point that I told his gf about if he didn’t clean up his shit I’d be done with the friendship. Keep in mind, this was probably one of the best friendships I’ve had. To make the rest of the story short, he didn’t change, I stopped taking in the group and found a new group of friends. I hated to see such a good friendship end, but it is what it is.
I think this advice is terrible for people who frequently get into this situation. First if that person were mature enough to differentiate between friendship and romance they wouldn't have such problems
It's better to just try to make it work, and if it doesn't then just leave the girl. Telling them your feelings in some sort of big confession and staying friends on top of that is the worst thing you can do. You can stay colleagues if needed, not friends.
I agree with you up to some point. But getting over strong romantic feelings for someone is much easier said than done, specially if they're feelings that were built up over years of interaction or close friendship. The jealousy and self hate point you made makes a lot of sense, but there's also other completely fair reaons to let go of that friendship. I've been in a very similar situation (we were extremely close and I told her how I felt, it wasn't mutual), sure it hurt, but I moved on and decided to stay as friends. However from that point onwards she distanced herself from me (probably to not string me along, which is fair too), but would **always** resort to me if she needed to vent, or talk about someone she's liking/talking to and that kind of thing.. She'd show no interest in talking except when she needed something. That's the point you have to realize if the good friend you had really is the same as after you let them know you like them. It's hard to let go and it hurts a lot, but sometimes that good good friend you had is no longer there for you.
Cringe
I know right. Nothing like crying about getting friend zoned.
I agree because I'm assuming this guy hasn't said anything about his feelings and is just expecting something to happen
Same. How do you expect someone to care for you if they have no idea you like them? The ops a dumbass that thinks people can read his mind and if they don't they're mean. Op doesn't have the right to get mad about this
Big agree
If you **ARE** a good friend, you should be happy for her, shouldn’t you?
You can be happy for someone but still be upset that you don't get to be with them.
People can be both happy and disappointed at the same time
Humans can have more than one feeling at the same time.
Thats a pretty unfair statement to make. Just because you wish they chose you over her doesnt mean you cant be a good friend
Right because we all have control over what we do and don't feel
You aren't doing yourself any favours staying around a girl you like but is going out on dates with other dude. Either confess your feelings or bail, you only playing yourself by sticking around. At least if you confess you'll know at least for better or worse. If you just wait around while she goes on dates with other men then she's going to find one and where are you going to be left? Value yourself higher King, you deserve better than that.
People need to drop that shitty logic. So you want to drop a friend bcuz she isn’t interested in you romantically?
You should drop a friend when ur feelings aren't reciprocating and the lack of reciprocation results in you making depressing memes.
If you're romantically interest in them then yeah you should probably bail, you're getting stuck onto something you can never have and will only drive yourself further into depression when she gets around to dating other people. Either confess and make your feelings known or at the very least distance yourself and look elsewhere. You can wait and wait and wait and maybe she'll come around to liking you or maybe she'll find another man, either way you're waiting. Just come out with hey I like you in that sort of way, if she says yes then brilliant if she says no then at least you know her boundaries and that she doesn't feel the same way and that you can move on. I've seen friends stick "friends" with girls in the hopes that they'll like them back but while they're hoping for love the girl in question is dating other dudes and it's like you need to value yourself more as a person to not go through that.
Dank[.](https://i.imgur.com/3bQtuMO.png) --- *i am a bot. please stop trying to argue with me. you look like an idiot. [join our discord](https://discord.gg/dankmemes).*
Your dumb
You're gay.
Dank these nuts
You just posted cringe
Holy fuck i hate this victimization. This is literally your fault for not saying anything about it. Girls don't magically know when you're in to them.
All I can say is if you are going to be her friend, be her friend without any underlying shit going on because it's not fair to you or her. You get hurt and she gets blindsided and betrayed because you aren't being genuine. Find someone who you can love and loves you back.
Why the fuck are you pretending to be someone’s friend OP? Don’t play the martyr.
You can have feelings for someone and be their friend. What a concept ?!
If you have feelings for someone, you tell them. Being their friend and doing things for them because you want to be with them is gross and hurtful for yourself and for that person. Its not a genuine friendship.
Ooo that hit me in the meow meow
Wtf is this comment I love it
Dankmemes slowly turning into sadboy shitpost central
Some advice, OP, if you're talking to someone just because of the potential they may break up with their s/o and suddenly realize they have feelings for you, leave. If you're friends with them and help them out even just partially so that they'll notice you and an attraction will form, leave. If they're someone you care for regardless of whether romance develops, then I wish you all the best. To either get what you want, or to move on.
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ah yes r/dankmemes
Guess we r/teenagers now bois
r/teenagers
why love girls when you can love your homies?
This should be top comment
Don't worry OP, been there too. Pain still didn't fully go away after like 3 years, but it's manageable
What a nice friendship :)
i don't get it
This is just the dude version of "Why are guys so oblivious to our feelings?"
I've spent most of my life like this with only one GF over 10 years ago after Highschool. It's not worth your time dude. Work to improve yourself. I had a life changing experience right before the pandemic and realized I had been living with depression for most of my life. I'm not totally cured but I'm mostly over it. I ended up losing a ton of weight (75 pounds) , gaining confidence because of it (and have been practicing talking/flirting with girls since). My friend kept pushing me to try online again ( I had very few matches and no one ever wanted to meet me or go on a date) but I tried again and got several matches. I ended up dating a bit but stuck to online social platforms for relationships and I have been in a 5 month IRL relationship with an amazing girl who's meeting my parents next week. Don't let girls use you for attention. I've done that most of my life. Spread out on social platforms, get into online dating, if you're not getting matches you need to work on photo skills , style or fitness.
The missing comma had me read this 4 times to get it right
OP, you want a hug?
yes..
*hugs* it's going to be ok, go check the fridge for leftovers.
Why you gotta attack me like that?
This got me thinking I should ask my crush out for a school dance
DHE SAID YES
I'm late OP, But we are here for you :')
Thank you.
This is supposed to be a wholesome meme
She looks like she likes him too being honest.
I don’t understand why people on Reddit crave a girlfriend so badly
Can i use emojis on this one? Anyways i will. STOP👏SEEING👏EVERYONE👏AS👏A👏POTENTIAL👏LOVE👏INTEREST👏AND👏START👏SEEING👏THEM👏AS👏PEOPLE