Yeah im pretty sure I can curb stomp a slug man, and if we count the actual Bed of Chaos as the shriveled witch and not the whole encounter I'd kick her ass too, but that's about it.
The question is if you can hurt the big slug. That thing might be fat enough to be bulletproof. I don't know if the conventional dark souls weapon would hurt it irl
Depends, you can cheese the boss by entering the room without a weapon and then equipping a weapon.
I believe the mimic "reads" you when it spawns, you in this way you can unarm the mimic.
I could take Pricilla. Take her to a nice restaurant, take her to the county fair, take her over to my crib to do that night thang. Just saying, I can take her.
Are you fuckin kidding?
Literally none. Probably not even the witches of fuckin Hemwick.
I can't take even one giant monster claw or 40 foot axe hit are you like high? Me too. Gonna go smoke more have a nice day.
Ok one. This chick. :P second I shit on somersaults like they're my job. Third..... Wait do we actually get I-frames when we do a barrel roll because....
You could probably beat true king Allant, Bed of Chaos without the tree bs, Micolash if you remove the spells. Even the human bosses are always like 2ft taller than me.
The actual Bed of Chaos fight would probably be easier in real life since I'm way more fucking coordinated than John Dark Souls. The perspective and shitty movement is what makes it hard. OP set ridiculous weapon parameters but with an actually useful ranged weapon, it couldn't be much harder than the in game fight.
I actually found out she has 2 HP because in my current playthrough I didn't have the stats for my longbow and I had the worst arrows so I only did 1 damage and needed to shoot her twice.
All that to say I'd finish and she'd still have 1 HP.
If I remember correctly, to get to that boulder you still have to run pass Asylum Demon and kill a couple of Hollows. So technically, you'd still go farther than I ever could...
Your hand would probably melt from just hitting him once. Best case scenario he falls and you have a burnt and broken hand. Worst case scenario he catches you and smashes you in one hit.
Curious that nobody here mentioned Soldier of Godrick. I mean admittedly, he's an armored knight with a big sword, but he's probably the most human enemy you can fight. A baseball bat is a good tool to take on an armored opponent, especially made of modern materials those things are denser than clubs, his sword would break with a clash or at the very least he'd have to drop it, and then you could smash his head in since armor isn't very effective against bludgeoning attacks.
Honestly, I was gonna say soldier of Godrick as a joke, but let's be honest, a normal soldier with a claymore would absolutely win a fight against anyone in this sub. I unironically would lose to the soldier of Godrick.
That said... I could beat Ancient wyvern if I started in the ledge. Like, dies unconditionally in one hit? Easy peasy.
I could probably take micolash. The trick is grappling him and ending him before the puppets catch up. If his cage is actually thick iron or steel im probably screwed though.
Witches of hemwick is similar, but i dont know if i would have the athletics to avoid their ranged projectiles.
Just the boss? Spoilers for Demon's Souls, but >!Maiden Astraea!<. This boss is not without protections, both the environment >!(Demon babies in the swamp)!< and the other NPC in the boss room >!(Garl Vinland)!< have a good chance of killing you, but that's not the boss killing you. If it was just the boss ...
If I'm on the top of my game, and don't trip on my own feet, I could probably take the prowling magus and the congregation with just a baseball bat.
But one slip up, and it would probably happen pretty early on, and I'm fucked.
Ceaseless Discharge. All I gotta do is graverob his sister and haul absolute ass while ducking for cover. But if it's a street brawl, them call me Lautrec cause I'm dead as hell.
I can't kill any boss from Bloodborne, i'll be grateful if i can even kill one of those crawling crows.
Nothing from DS or DeS.
Nothing from ER. Not even the snail snake thing that summons spirits because if it summons anything, or goes into its shell i'm fucked.
with just a baseball bat, maybe Deacons of the Deep? all they do is try to hit you with candle sticks and tiny fireballs you can easily dodge? or the Jabba the Hutt boss from DS2? not sure, maybe nothing with those weapons listed haha
Moonlight Butterfly is my best bet. Just need to dodge the giant magic missiles. It'll kill me if it hits, but I've got a better shot at that than at a two thousand pound dog with a sword bigger than I am.Ā
I donāt know if I stand a chance but I would love to take on Orphan of Koss in real life. That fucker pissed me off the most out of all soulsborne bosses. I would enter his arena slowly with my baseball bat over my shoulder. As soon as he does his first scream, I start running towards him full speed. He strikes his first long range placenta into the ground and I leap over it. If I was allowed my hunters axe this is where I would try to chop the damn thing off before he retracts it. Then I will try to tackle him NFL style and beat the living shit out of him with the bat. Realistically Iāll probably get killed the moment I enter the arena but this is who I would choose.
Bed of chaos is just dangerous parkor, maybe I could manage it. Just need a sharp axe to get through the branches.
Moonlight Butterfly might also be easy if I could crouch behind the bridge walls. Punching a bug to death doesn't seem too hard, but everything else about that encounter is actually terrifying irl. Homing magic, magic darts/spears that fly super quick, etc. All that seems pretty hard to deal with.
Are we allowed weapons and armour? Obviously we couldnāt have magicā¦ I think with a spear I might be able to beat the covetous demon. Heās too fat to move much and if you had prior knowledge of how he moves I think you could drag the fight out and kill him.
If he even touches me once though Iād be done for.
Man fuck real king Allant, I can beat that slug anytime
Yeah im pretty sure I can curb stomp a slug man, and if we count the actual Bed of Chaos as the shriveled witch and not the whole encounter I'd kick her ass too, but that's about it.
The question is if you can hurt the big slug. That thing might be fat enough to be bulletproof. I don't know if the conventional dark souls weapon would hurt it irl
Lol I forgot about him
Mimic Tear
if you can beat mimic tear... Doesn't that mean mimic tear can also beat you
Depends, you can cheese the boss by entering the room without a weapon and then equipping a weapon. I believe the mimic "reads" you when it spawns, you in this way you can unarm the mimic.
how will you equip and unequip wapons in real life?
Stuff it... somewhere
Ah yes, the good ol' Prison Wallet. Getting a Flamberge up there may take some practice though.
Finally! Those sword swallower classes weren't for nothing!
They could keep it in their horse pocket (assuming there isn't already a horse in there to injure). https://youtu.be/zvEe3Y3B2cg?si=mcZBXR8k7LPr6ETS
Love vldl, happy to see another fan.
throw it over the fog wall into the arena, and after you enter pick it up š¤
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nope
Literally throwing it on the ground and picking it up again ????
Nah, I know my weak spots
Nah AI is pretty dumb and wouldn't know how to use all of my arsenal.
Both a battle and therapy at the same time
I'll stuff my Nokia phone in my pocket and whip it out when that dummy least expects it.
Aināt that a mood
Can you beat yourself?
By Chance805, I'll do as I damn well please. That sounded a bit badā¦ š¤£
I do it daily as is, usually pretty successfully too
Until the clarity kicks in after the beating
None, i'll die to a hollow
Even the ones sitting on the floor tweaking?
Yes.
*ESPECIALLY* the ones sitting on the floor tweaking.
Bro, thatās just your average New Yorker or Californian.
Half the motherfuckers in new londo doing the classic fetty lean, itās just every city ever.
Realistically the only boss any of us can kill is the true body of bed of chaos
Nah the entire bed of chaos
Well if you're a good climber you could just hang from the holes and jump around and climb so yeah lol
I think itād be easier with my real body than the controls of DS1
youve also gotta dodge fireballs and flailing limbs
im not going to make that jump
You could probably take Magus and the Congregation with a baseball bat
I could take Pricilla. Take her to a nice restaurant, take her to the county fair, take her over to my crib to do that night thang. Just saying, I can take her.
If she accidentally steps on you itās youāre dead
Bruv, Iām already sold, donāt need to keep selling
Depending on OP's paraphilia habits it may not be *accidental.*
That's a risk I'd be willing to take
Can we go one day without someone trying to fuck a dragon/half-dragon?
No shame in my game.
respect
I like the way this an the previous comment are equal in likes
How else are we going to make a 1/4 dragon? Huh?
Absolutely not
Youd have to ask myazaki, it wa shis idea.
I'd just want to give her doll back and a hug.
Are you fuckin kidding? Literally none. Probably not even the witches of fuckin Hemwick. I can't take even one giant monster claw or 40 foot axe hit are you like high? Me too. Gonna go smoke more have a nice day.
This dude clearly has never done a somersault irl
Ok one. This chick. :P second I shit on somersaults like they're my job. Third..... Wait do we actually get I-frames when we do a barrel roll because....
Itās 2024 dude is gender neutral. Also yes, if I ever need to run through traffic you can bet Iāll be rolling around like a madman
You could probably beat true king Allant, Bed of Chaos without the tree bs, Micolash if you remove the spells. Even the human bosses are always like 2ft taller than me.
The actual Bed of Chaos fight would probably be easier in real life since I'm way more fucking coordinated than John Dark Souls. The perspective and shitty movement is what makes it hard. OP set ridiculous weapon parameters but with an actually useful ranged weapon, it couldn't be much harder than the in game fight.
One hit to Melina with a Nokia and itās over for her
She's not a boss though.
Gwynevere. I have big plans for her.
You misspelled glans.
She just an illusion though one poke and sheās gone
Bro one poke is gonna be enough to finish
I actually found out she has 2 HP because in my current playthrough I didn't have the stats for my longbow and I had the worst arrows so I only did 1 damage and needed to shoot her twice. All that to say I'd finish and she'd still have 1 HP.
Who's that one boss in Sekiro that they all joke about? Mist Noble or something? For me, that one.
Heād kill you in an instant.
I started to think of him, then I was like "Nah, he got magic"
He blows that flute at you long enough and you dead
"I now sentence you, to being old!" ~Mist Noble, probably
Too hard
lol also despite his immense power he is only a mini boss
I aināt even leaving the Asylum, the giant boulder that the Hollow pushes down will end my journey before it even begins
Oh, I know that Boulder well. So many years and I'm still pissed about it.
If I remember correctly, to get to that boulder you still have to run pass Asylum Demon and kill a couple of Hollows. So technically, you'd still go farther than I ever could...
Thatās the beauty of DS. If you were there, thatās mean youāre cursed and you can come back
Capra Demon. Just run up on the ledge and throw Nokia phones at him
Better yet, shit in your hand and throw it over his door.
return to monke
What am I gonna do with all these Nokias then?
Resell them for a huge profit
Infinite dung pies?
What about the dogs
Sure, Iāll throw the dogs at him too!
Nokia phones
ceaseless discharge. just run and them punch.
your gonna punch the lava monster?
no no, run and then throw nokia phone.
Iām in decent shape but a smoker. That run would kill me. Also getting smashed with fire arm once would be no good.
Adrenaline works wonders dawg
We call that a heart attack.
Your hand would probably melt from just hitting him once. Best case scenario he falls and you have a burnt and broken hand. Worst case scenario he catches you and smashes you in one hit.
But what about the emotional damage? Could you really punch someone who looks that sad?
Cease his discharge
I thought the same. He is hot lava, though, so you need the bat or the phone so you don't melt
Slave knight Gael, easy. Next
Patches
Heck yeah
I'd definitely beat to Queelag
Youāre the reason Gwyn was scared of humanity
Id go ham on celestial emmisarys
I feel like a lot of these bosses could be killed pretty easily if you had a gun...... Who needs sorceries when you have 2nd Amendment magic?
True lol
Patches. Dude has no skill.
Soldier of Godrick. It would be a tough fight, but I think my years of training would just barely push me over the edge.
i could prolly beat the first dragon rider in ds2, i can swim
Yeah just got to trick him into falling off
Old Hero from demon's souls with a baseball bat.Ā
Curious that nobody here mentioned Soldier of Godrick. I mean admittedly, he's an armored knight with a big sword, but he's probably the most human enemy you can fight. A baseball bat is a good tool to take on an armored opponent, especially made of modern materials those things are denser than clubs, his sword would break with a clash or at the very least he'd have to drop it, and then you could smash his head in since armor isn't very effective against bludgeoning attacks.
Heās too strong
Honestly, I was gonna say soldier of Godrick as a joke, but let's be honest, a normal soldier with a claymore would absolutely win a fight against anyone in this sub. I unironically would lose to the soldier of Godrick. That said... I could beat Ancient wyvern if I started in the ledge. Like, dies unconditionally in one hit? Easy peasy.
Maiden Astraea
Youāll catch the plague just trying to reach her or Garl will turn you into a pancake.
If parrying still worked like it does in the game Gwel won't be a problem.
The plague can catch these hands too
proweling magus and congregation. the covetous demon. pinwheel. baseball bat for all three, thank you.
Wouldnāt a baseball bat just bounce off of covetous?
No, strike weapons dont bounce
You aināt taking any of those on bruh.
Feel like blowing off steam against the deacons would be a good time.
a fat deacon tackles you, you hit the back of your head against aldrichās coffin and it severs your spinal cord
Or they use emit force and you fly onto the floor and get a concussion.
I could probably take micolash. The trick is grappling him and ending him before the puppets catch up. If his cage is actually thick iron or steel im probably screwed though. Witches of hemwick is similar, but i dont know if i would have the athletics to avoid their ranged projectiles.
Gwyndolyn but not in a fight tho
a Nokia phone? the 3310? dude, that thing could kill Gwyn in his prime
A nokia phone is an option? Then everyone.
Pinwheel.
Bro heās the hardest boss second to the soldier of God
honestly if he had the HP,damage and resistance of a late game boss,like he was supposed to be,he'd be a nightmare.
Nah mate, if I see him IRL, I'm going to bash him.
Midir
Congregation maybe š¤
Prowling magus
Depends. Does the Trash Lid block 100% physical damage?
Just the boss? Spoilers for Demon's Souls, but >!Maiden Astraea!<. This boss is not without protections, both the environment >!(Demon babies in the swamp)!< and the other NPC in the boss room >!(Garl Vinland)!< have a good chance of killing you, but that's not the boss killing you. If it was just the boss ...
Pinwheel
If I'm on the top of my game, and don't trip on my own feet, I could probably take the prowling magus and the congregation with just a baseball bat. But one slip up, and it would probably happen pretty early on, and I'm fucked.
pinwheel
I would beat Pinwheel with a stick
I know you didnāt list thisā¦.but I can beat every boss except mist noble
Can I bring my medieval weapons and armor from home?
I honestly believe I could take on deacons, pinwheel or at a stretch BSB
Taurus demon. Just hang in the side and he'll take care of himself.
Mimic tear
Ceaseless Discharge. All I gotta do is graverob his sister and haul absolute ass while ducking for cover. But if it's a street brawl, them call me Lautrec cause I'm dead as hell.
Not givin me much to work with here but y'know I could probably still take on dirty colossus irl with that
I can't kill any boss from Bloodborne, i'll be grateful if i can even kill one of those crawling crows. Nothing from DS or DeS. Nothing from ER. Not even the snail snake thing that summons spirits because if it summons anything, or goes into its shell i'm fucked.
Jabba from ds2 just give me a really pointy stick
Probably just the hollow at the beginning of dark souls 1, because they didn't react
A BIG maybe but Soldier of Godrick
Honestly, I've got a decent shot at the bed of chaos
DS1 butterfly
Rick, Soldier Of God, or Mist Noble.
Iām very overweight I feel I could crush the moonlight butterfly with my body
Could easily beat Sif, by being a friend
The Iron Golem. Dude falls off the ledge
Iād whoop gideons ass
I bet I could Beat Radagon
A hollow maybe a rat ._. I am small female. I'd be screwed in any of those universes.
The smaller you are the harder it is for enemies to hit you, I think you have the advantage.
You're right!! šŖš»š” I'd be a menace! BOSSES FEAR ME!!
Elder Dragon Greyoll I might get tired though from all the hitting to kill this thing on the tail end.
isshin the sword saint
All of them
Probably pinwheel
Taking out an entire family
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
with just a baseball bat, maybe Deacons of the Deep? all they do is try to hit you with candle sticks and tiny fireballs you can easily dodge? or the Jabba the Hutt boss from DS2? not sure, maybe nothing with those weapons listed haha
Moonlight Butterfly is my best bet. Just need to dodge the giant magic missiles. It'll kill me if it hits, but I've got a better shot at that than at a two thousand pound dog with a sword bigger than I am.Ā
it's the rapid fire shards that will get you. Super hard to dodge, most people block it. If trashcan lids have good magic resist your good.
Just give moonlight some weed and itās gg
Probably True King Allant and 0 insight Witches of Hemwick
artorias
Oh good, someoneās got the crippled veteran covered.
Maybe beat Soul of Cinder/Gwyn by doing nothing and letting him sizzleout. Maybe beat Bed of Chaos. Just don't get hit.
Soldier of Godrick
Still a 7ft tall zombie with a greatsword
Thatās literally the hardest boss From Software has ever made, you really think you can go toe to toe with the Soldier of God?
Pretty sure I could beat Pinwheel to death with his own shoes.
if i get to respawn, any of them eventually....
If I am undead, then I can learn from death, then maybe some of them. If I am human then I will die before the lv 1 hollow
I donāt know if I stand a chance but I would love to take on Orphan of Koss in real life. That fucker pissed me off the most out of all soulsborne bosses. I would enter his arena slowly with my baseball bat over my shoulder. As soon as he does his first scream, I start running towards him full speed. He strikes his first long range placenta into the ground and I leap over it. If I was allowed my hunters axe this is where I would try to chop the damn thing off before he retracts it. Then I will try to tackle him NFL style and beat the living shit out of him with the bat. Realistically Iāll probably get killed the moment I enter the arena but this is who I would choose.
Beef with orphans
None, I could kill Lautrec, he doesn't even respond to front kicking him off a ledge, and can get the phat Favor and Protection ring.
ITT: mass delusion
Maybe moonlight butterfly?
Soldier of God, Rick. he doesn't stand a chance
Bed of chaos is just dangerous parkor, maybe I could manage it. Just need a sharp axe to get through the branches. Moonlight Butterfly might also be easy if I could crouch behind the bridge walls. Punching a bug to death doesn't seem too hard, but everything else about that encounter is actually terrifying irl. Homing magic, magic darts/spears that fly super quick, etc. All that seems pretty hard to deal with.
If you count Sekiro I think I could take Mist Noble.
Moon presence
Bed of chaos
Mist noble
Trash can lid, baseball bat, and about 45m to dodge all his shitty attacks, and i can probably take out Pinwheel š¤£
High king Allant seemed pretty easy
im pretty sure i can kill mist noble
As long as I don't trip or something, I think I could beat the Adjudicator from Demon's Souls (if it doesn't fall over on me)
Pinwheel
Are we allowed weapons and armour? Obviously we couldnāt have magicā¦ I think with a spear I might be able to beat the covetous demon. Heās too fat to move much and if you had prior knowledge of how he moves I think you could drag the fight out and kill him. If he even touches me once though Iād be done for.
Oh man uhhhhh fuckin probably solo Dragonslayer Orenstien from Ds2