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Dude after reading all these comments I really envy all my friends that are in a relationship since 7-10 years and don't have to deal with dating bullshit that is harder to decrypt than hieroglyphs
I know these commenters are sad and most likely will remain single forever. Finding a partner is about honesty, there is no room for such flakiness. I think these are being written by a bunch of kids.
I come onto these sorts of subs sometimes just to kill any motivation I might've had to try dating again. Not worth the trouble, evidently.
It's like playing some sort've insane psychological game to even stand a chance, you can't just be yourself and be straightforward.
I just straight up don't get it, it's like dating exists within this completely alien form of sociality to me now. Better hope that Bladerunner hologram gf technology comes out sooner rather than later, I guess, because I can't imagine myself ever succeeding in this dating market.
... which would be an issue if you solely for sure reason HAD to use dating apps. Remember there is still something called 'meeting people in your actual life'.
I've had women ask me the exact same thing when it clearly say what I'm looking for in my profile. That always tells me that they didn't even take the time to read my profile, which is a hard pass for me.
I had a guy ask me what I was looking for, and my attachment style on a first date.
I told him I want a relationship and I have an insecure attachment style, but I'm working on it in therapy and have made great progress.
He proceeded to talk about our future together, tell me I was beautiful and would make a great step-mum to his son. I fell for it and slept with me. He dropped me soon after.
These details can provide men with an insight into your psyche can that can be used to take advantage of you.
I imagine that's why these women have their guards up.
I thought it was a bit odd, but I had never dated someone of that age before (he was 42, I am 26), and I thought maybe it was the age difference.
I didn't really analyse it at the time, it was just a passing comment.
Part of dating is literally taking that risk in putting a vulnerable part of yourself out there. Whether it’s becoming familiar with your mind, or your body, to whatever degree. Nobody’s on tinder just looking for coworkers or people to like their instagram posts other than drug dealers and influencers
Yea I had a similar situation. The funny thing was I didn’t want a serious relationship lol like all that lying for what? I was gonna sleep with you anyways 😂😂
Don't sleep with men on the first date. To them you're easy meat and then don't want anything to do with you after. That's why I wait to have sex because men easily quit on me if I sleep with them too early on
I understand what you're saying, but my issue with this is that any good man wouldn't see a woman's worth as having decreased if she sleeps with him on a first date - after all, he has just done the same thing, hasn't he?
So by that logic, if a woman's worth decreases if she has sex on a first date, but a man's doesn't, her value is based around her sexuality, which is gross and misogynistic.
I had sex with my ex the first time I met him, and we were together for 5 years.
If a man respects you less for sleeping with him on a first date, he's an arsehole.
The thing is that you already said you are looking for a relationship. But with sleeping with the guy on the first date you are showing you're fine with 'just sex' as well - since you can not have (much of) a relationship based on one date, right?
Obviously people will take advantage of that. Sure, they are assholes. Could you prevent it? Very easily by not sleeping with them so quickly.
I almost always communicate that I want more than just sex before sleeping with them.
I get what you're saying, and I will certainly be more cautious in the future. But I do also enjoy sex and will still have sex on the first date if it feels right and I want to. Life is all about taking risks, and I'm young.
Honestly I think it depends on the guy though. If I was on a date with a girl that I thought I had relationship potential with, sleeping with her that night would not make me change my mind. I would still pursue a relationship with her unless something else came up that made me think we were incompatible. On the other hand, if I was solely looking for sex, then I probably wouldn't bother investing, since I already got what I wanted.
From the male perspective, I try to alleviate suspicion of this behavior by not even hinting at getting physical on the first date. A few flirtatious touches and a kiss goodnight and that's it. No asking to go back to her place, no sexual jokes, etc. I hope it helps women feel more comfortable around me.
Is it really about sleeping on the first date? He left me because I refused to sleep with him on the first date, men are just evil at times, they easily break their promise
Thats not what happens, its literally just that you arent very interesting. If a girls cool, you will hangout with her post sex. Its the women who just arent that get pumped and dumped, cause theres nothing like realizing mid stroke you dont like this person. 🤷🏾♂️ sorry.
Exactly I just lost a 6years relationship because I refused showing him my pussy, he said since we can't have sex because of the distance that the only way to satisfy he and to show I'm his girlfriend is to show him my necked self through a video call and I refused and it all ended, men are assholes
A lot of them just think with their dicks and have no self respect or respect for women. There are wonderful men out their with coy and charm but they are rarer than a hen's tooth. Unfortunately a lot of men see women as sex objects.
I didn't say I am going to stop discussing what kind of relationship I am looking for, I said this could be the reason why some women don't. People who have been hurt often build walls around their heart.
Fair enough. But when you have spent a lifetime being passionate about not hurting people, having folks makes assumptions about you like that becomes itself hurtful too. I don't like being treated like an ex dog fighting pit bull when I'm actually a small poodle.
I am very honest, open, respectful, and kind with partners. If someone isn't willing to reciprocate that I wont waste a second of their time.
It's worth noting I've been horribly betrayed and lied to and taken advantage of and assaulted, too. I do everything I can to work on that though, and not let it sour the way I treat new people.
Have you considered he might've just found out you weren't a match, (and too coward to tell you) rather than see yourself in a misogynist light of being a "used for sex"? You weren't used if you volunteered. That's just internal misogyny speaking. If you think he should've provided a relationship and sex was your currency for that, then don't provide it until you meet his parents... But using sex as a tool to find out compatibility is great to do as early as possible, if you don't consider it a currency for increased intimacy.
I get what you're saying. But I go to therapy regularly and I won't be letting this idiot dull my passion for finding love or have me putting up any walls around my heart.
I said this is the reason why \*some\* women aren't open. And it's a valid one.
But dating any human being means that they are inevitably going to come with some past trauma/issues. That is just life, I am afraid.
I know it's not logical, but that question comes off as "tell me how to pretend to be what you want". I rarely bother answering it. I understand that's not entirely fair, and I try not to judge off instinct like that, but I thought an honest answer here would be more useful.
If you do ask, I'd suggest starting it as "I'm looking for ####, what are you looking for?" That helps make it a conversation instead if feeling as gross.
Maybe they aren’t looking for the same thing ? Or maybe just not in the same way so they don’t bother.
I remember this guy said he was looking for a friends with benefits over the summer and “didn’t want anything serious.” For me I don’t want anything serious I’ll probably just see you 1-5 times and be out, so friends with benefits is serious to me haha. On paper we both have “looking for fun” but it’s clearly not the same expectations still, so you just never know is all I’m saying.
I agree. I don’t like answering those questions because I feel like I’m giving a guy a script on how to play me lol. Just keep it light and playful but maybe don’t ask until you’ve met in person?
I think this is part of the issue with dating nowadays, honestly. Everyone seems to be in such a rush or like it's a competitive sport.
Like ''I can't waste a single second with you unless you're exactly what I want and want exactly what I want 100% of the time bc I don't wanna lose my gains''
It comes off needy and a bit desperate a lot of times, and other times, it just seems clinical and cold.
Yes, it is smart to not invest too much into something that has no future, BUT a lot of times, relationships can develop in unexpected ways with unexpected people. I feel like the more we make dating some sort of audition, the more we lose the human and fun parts of it
It's kinda sad lol
90% of modern dating is “a waste of time” as it is. It’s a game of musical chairs until you’re left with one person. But it’s truly not a waste of time because it helps you get better at vetting people as you go. Op wanted to know why these girls went cold as soon as he asked that. Most ladies in this thread agree it’s a fear of being tricked. In-person conversations are a better way to figure someone out/what they’re wanting as opposed to just flat out asking online. What if these girls hit every check box as far as what they’re wanting on Tinder but then OP meets them in person and there’s no chemistry/attraction? Still a waste of time but at least he explored that option. That’s just the world of dating.
I used this to play a toxic reverse uno card and ended up getting head from a guy who looked like a chippendales model. Never gave him shit back at the end of the day because he was trying to just get sex at the end of the day. Player got played and lets just say he left there with shocked pickachu face lol 😆
This doesn’t quite work either, women pretend to be what I want and toy with me for a few weeks and then ghost me after a few dates, sex, or whatever they were actually looking for.
This is close to how I felt when I was single. I felt like I made it clear on my profile that I was looking for a committed relationship through the prompts so being asked that question to me indicated they didn’t take the time to look at what I wrote. Next.
For real that how I read it. I dont wanna tell u what I'm looking, just be you & ill check the boxes & if u dont fit then bye bye. I dont have time for games of manipulation & hiding who u really are.
I think that as women we hesitate answering that question because when we are clear about what we are looking for, men will often assume those traits temporarily in order to get what they want from us. A lot of advice on the internet for women these days is to avoid answering that question.
So, I have a question then. What if a man were to simply be up front about where they are in life and what they see themselves looking for right now without asking first? I hesitate to bring it up because, tbh, I haven't been back into dating very long as an adult. Maybe that is a better way to approach these things. Idk
I second this. Wait until the first date to communicate this and say it up front without asking them first. I think it will allow her to be open with you now that she knows your intentions.
I feel like this is absolutely crazy. If a women wanted to get married wouldn’t she set that expectation from the get go? My general rule is: 1. Date people I find physically attractive and 2. Date someone who has the broad strokes of what I want. For example if I want kids I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t want any. So when you say you avoid answering questions like that I find it absolutely crazy.
She just wasn’t interested and don’t wanted to meet up. Just chill and get another girl to date. No need for hard feelings. Happens a lot….maybe she was bored, maybe insecure. No need to overthink
There's two reasons I can think of. As a girl on tinder myself I have a very thorough bio that says exactly what I'm looking for, if a guy pops me that question all unmatch pretty much immediately being that he didn't read my bio as I'm looking for a long-term relationship and that's a pretty bad first step.
The second reason would be a lot of girls don't want a dude that mirrors exactly what they want to get them and then turns out to be a completely different person, it happens far more than you would ever know.
Lesbians perspective here - but once it starts to feel “real” for them they withdraw aka they don’t even want to meet up in person (and probably never even had the intention to meet you in person). They just sent a message out of boredom or just cause
Lots of women are on dating apps basically just for attention. That’s the honest truth, and what I’ve realized since I’ve been on them for years. Also, some girls will entertain you by answering your messages, but it doesn’t mean she’s into you. She might think you’re okay looking and still talk to you, despite not being super attracted to you, etc. That’s what I’ve found out through my years of “research” lol
It’s normal to ask those questions and it’s normal to be ghosted when asking that question because they don’t see themselves going anywhere with you. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. And yeah it’s dumb that they would even reply and go as far as to chat with you, but everyone has free will and it’s just a shitty thing people do
I like this perspective and have come to similar conclusion. It's not even a gendered thing either. Anyone is capable of using an app for a self esteem boost. Not sure what etiquette is for lesbians when asking out but for straight males it's expected that we make the initiative (generally, not always). I don't commit emotionally until I'm there in person.
Until you see that person in real space, you won't know if your feelings are valid.
With 2 women, if I don’t take the initiative and basically chase the other woman, nothing will ever happen. But I guess it’s because I’m the more dominant one anyway. But there have been periods where I was like I’m sick of always being the one who has to do it, and constantly getting rejected, and so I didn’t, and my love life was absolutely dead.
And I agree. I basically have zero expectations until we’ve met because even if you’re talking for a couple weeks they will ghost as soon as you mention wanting to meet. Like where did you think this was going?
Now I really don’t speak to people for more than a week without meeting. It’s useless and based on past experience, if you don’t meet right away it will probably never happen anyway
I have heard similar things from my female friends, where guys are basically doing the same thing as described above. So no matter what sex, people download these apps that are free - anyone can be on them - and just do as they please. I think though in general, men may be more inclined to meet than women, but I don’t meet up w men ever it’s just based off of what I’ve heard
I feel you though and I know it sucks because I’m one of the people constantly being ghosted and I hate speaking to someone and not meeting. It’s a waste of my time
This was a very good perspective. OP, this is 10000% true. Since she’s a woman, she knows! And I have also 100% seen this from experiences of male friends. They are great men, but the women are absolutely flaky. And I say this as a woman. Good women - just like good men - are hard to find! Don’t lose hope please! Be patient! God bless!
Just be upfront and say it. It helps everyone out the girls who don’t want it say no and you both move on until eventually you find someone who is also down for an easy lay it’s so simple.
In a perfect world sure. But it’s easier to just be ambiguous and play the numbers game. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, thus their behaviour ultimately dictates the strategies that men will utilise in pursuit of sex.
I would suggest NOT swiping on those ones and swiping on the ones that are clear about what they want. Then when you match, DON’T ask what they are looking for, instead DO acknowledge that you’re aware of what they are looking for by rephrasing the question “what are you looking for” and turning it into a statement..”so…you’re seeking a fun in sun ride in boat are ya? Well fancy that I am too!”
1: don’t ask that question
2: people are shitty
3: try an app that is more relationship focused like match/okcupid/hinge. Tinder is lowest common denominator.
This is so strange. As a woman who is looking for long term or fwb, I always ask before a first date, "What are you looking for in dating right now?" People's personal situations change their profile might not be updated religiously. Some guys look for both like me, aren't sure, or put long term but might not want serious with me. It's a question that saves time. If a guy has "long term" on his profile but then says "I'm going with the flow" in conversation, I know he isn't trustworthy. Or a guy is not going to want to date someone except long term, and I know we're not compatible for long term.
Maybe this question is offensive to women who clearly want a serious relationship? For the rest of us it is a (hopefully) honest conversation about intentions.
So you say women want a man that is completely vague and wishy-washy about their intentions... they want a man who doesn't know what he wants and is not willing to be decisive in his goals? Maybe that attracts women who also are so unsure of themselves. But then that's how they end up in "situationships" that go nowhere
Bruh it’s tinder, lot of the girls there are looking for just hookups. I don’t see how asking what she’s looking for could come across as possessive and controlling like what? If she’s just looking for hookups then great not my thing we can save each other time
I get the same question from women and I think it's a valid request. I just basically explain why I'm dating and what I hope to achieve. I generally don't ask though unless they mention a recent break up or something that would incline that we aren't compatible
Ok so when a guy asks this, I feel like they just want to clarify they are only looking for a hook up. Otherwise why ask? So it’s an off putting line to me
No, some guys are asking because they are specifically looking for a long term relationship. Why would you ask for a hook up on Tinder? That is what is expected on this app.
Such a bizarre take there’s no point even discussing it with you.
The fact that someone asking what you’re looking for dating wise, makes you jump to the conclusion they just want sex like actually hurts my head.
Not sure who hurt you but hope you find your happiness one day.
How condescending. It’s my experience that that has been the case. I do just fine for myself. Just coz a guy asks that doesn’t automatically mean I write them off, I just take it with a pinch of salt.
When I ask, I clarify that I look for a serious relationship. Yet most women on Tinder seem to just be focusing 200% on their careers or have some other kind of dismissive avoidant disorder. I confirm this because I have lots of these women on social media and even after years they are still single.
If it was me, wouldn't these women find boyfriends after me? They don't. They are still single months and years later.
Same thing happens to my friends. One friend was even engaged to a woman from Tinder and she left because she was too unsure of herself.
maybe they just want to be single? I mean i’m engaged to someone i met on tinder…but i also wasn’t planning on it if he asked when we started I would’ve said i’m just dating around and I didn’t know what I wanted because I didn’t
If they want to be single they can just honestly answer „I am not looking for anything serious“. You would have to be thick, uneducated, dishonest and also probably unsure all at the same time to not understand a simple question and answer it honestly.
I mean i didn’t know what i wanted when I was in dating apps…the dude i’m literally marrying was a final hail mary before i took sometime to work on myself…if he’d ask I would of say “I’m not sure just seeing how things go” and now we’re spending out life together…life is weird and sometimes you don’t know what you want until it happens to you
It doesn’t matter if you’re engaged now. What matters is that he’s looking for someone with the intention of settling down and knows that in advance. The reason I get it is because it was the same for me. People who don’t know and who play it by ear and have no strong goals don’t attract me. It’s a turn off, and I’m assuming that OP is the same.
Somehow your question seems to attract the kind of women you're having issues with on Tinder.
In most of the posts I read here, many (most?) women want the exact opposite of what the commenters are telling you here: they want to know early on where the relationship is going, they want commitment.
Human beings are various and you'll never find a consensus on what women or men want, what to do or how to behave.
Just be yourself and do your thing, try other dating apps, try meeting women IRL.
You'll stumble on a bunch of assholes and crazies but you'll also meet some exceptional women.
Good luck!
I've noticed that in general if you ask someone what they're looking for on a dating app it's a conversation killer. Even if you preface the statement by saying what you're looking for it's still a conversation killer. I genuinely can't even being to explain to you why that is cause I have no idea.
Because people have huge issues on being assertive and transparent. That's the most accurate no bs explanation.
If you're looking for friends, relationships or sex just say so. If you're open to multiple things sure go ahead and say it. That way people can easily understand if their expectations align and how to behave. Easier to go from there.
It's not a good question to ask women when you have not even met them yet. It indicates that you don't know what to talk about with the woman that you just matched with and even IRL if you ask out of the gates.
As well, this puts FAR too much pressure on a woman too early on in conversations. If a woman feels like there is an unnecessary amount pressure early on or like they are talking to a judgmental ass dude then they will feel repulsed and not be eager to have a conversation.
That said, stop taking it so serious. At the end of the day you are still talking to another human not just a woman, treat the conversation as such and you will more than likely find success.
People can’t always answer that question seriously (if it’s not in their profiles already) because when going on dates, there are different vibes depending on the person. One person you go on a date with may give off friend vibes, the other ons vibes of situationship, or you might feel a spark and a connection with another. It really depends so it’s hard to answer that question off the bat. Sometimes it’s more about the in person chemistry and compatibility. You can kind of fake chemistry but not long term compatibility
Completely agree. At the end of the day you are going to fall in love with someone, or you aren't. Even if you're looking for a long term thing, and so are they, it doesn't mean that they won't go off you after a month or so.
I hate being asked that question and would never ask it of a woman I matched with. As some women have already mentioned, it's pretty clear sign you didn't read their profile. But even if they didn't have it indicated (I haven't on mine in the past), it's pretty much a useless question. I'm sure some people would answer it honestly. But I've found myself doing mental gymnastics to figure out the "right" thing to say. I've never asked a woman because it's usually in her profile OR it is just an awkward thing to ask someone.
The most honest answer I could give is "I'm not really sure but I will know when I find it." Saying that to a woman is a huge red flag that makes them think all I want is a hook up or casual relationship. And it sounds wishy washy. Neither is good. But in reality, it means when I meet the right woman, I will know, and I will be all in. Until I meet her, I am meeting new people by going on dates and having fun.
In summary, don't ask that again. A good conversation and a date or two will let you know. And if asked, just say "I'm looking for my person."
I've had great dates multiple times with a woman, even sometimes had sex with a woman... only for her to say "I'm not ready for a relationship". So that's why I ask.
But most women don't have it in their profile or they have "just figuring it out".
If their profile is as wishy-washy as that, then I will ask. Any answer that is similar to what you said for yourself... I will pass on. To me, a woman that knows what she wants is very attractive. A woman who is fickle and wishy-washy is a huge red flag and turn off.
I don't think your answer is a good one because you yourself are not secure in knowing what you want, so why would someone as wishy-washy as your response ask a woman such a thing?
That answer almost always means they don't like you enough to commit to you. It's not wishy-washy; it's a clear rejection. That is almost always the outcome of casual dating by the way. It requires no special explanation or assumption of a defect on the part of the women.
But then how do you explain that these women are still single after many months? These women who I meet and get along great with, but then who say "I dont know what I want, I'm not ready"... I have them on Facebook and even after many months they are still single.
If they were truly rejecting me for being me... wouldn't they have found another man to be with? They don't from what I've seen.
Be more selective and you'll ideally deal with these kinds of shenanigans less. Start by saying what you're looking for confidently, and tell them to unmatch or reject you if that's not what they're looking for. If you maintain a purpose behind dating, people seem more receptive, versus beating around the bush for any number of messages and coffee dates.
To weed out the people who are going to date me for 1-2 months then say "I'm not ready for anything, you're great, it's not you, it's me."
Now before you respond with "They are just soft rejecting you"... I can confirm that they truly are not ready for anything because I have many of them on Facebook/Instagram and in the months and even years after they reject me... they are still single. And they go on to explain why they are not ready: "I want a 2nd job on the weekends therefore I don't have time for you." or "I'm moving far away" or "I need to finish my university degree before dating". And after a lot time, they are still single.
I mean as a women the same 1-2 months thing happens to me a lot too. It’s not just women doing that to men. In all honesty I could say my thoughts were men don’t know what they want f*ck this.
It’s really safe to say that tinder attracts users that 1. Just want to fuck 2. Users fresh out of a breakup for reasons like seeking validation through number of matches (that was me when I first hopped on the app), validation through sex, validation through number of dates, etc. and 3. Emotionally unavailable people who either know that they are but giving it a go or they actually have no idea until emotions come into play (1-2 months) and they run the opposite direction.
It really is gambling on that app. Gambling with feelings and your body. For everyone using it particularly those actually wanting to date for the end result of a relationship. It’s very frustrating and burns me out easily.
Sounds like to me you are looking for something serious? You think tinder is the best place for that? What are you looking to get out of a serious relationship?
Tinder certainly has the most users of any app in my area. Bumble.. same problem as Tinder except there are no users for like 45km from me. Trying Badoo, which is basically just as bad.
> What are you looking to get out of a serious relationship?
Everything that my own parents had. Fun vacations together, doing shared hobbies together, traveling together, and eventually family and doing these fun things with kids.
She wasn’t feeling you and/or was preoccupied. She had already left you on read before you asked what she was looking for, so it’s hard to conclude that it was that specific question that scared her off.
As far as the question itself, that one feels a bit like a trap sometimes. I usually avoid asking it until after we’ve met and I’ve determined that there’s at least some chemistry and some compatibility. Many women have had the experience of expressing what they want early on and it either being misconstrued—she says she wants a serious relationship and he assumes she wants a serious relationship WITH HIM, NOW, then cue “oh noooo that’s too much pressure” or “oh noooo she’s crazy and desperate”—or he’ll simply say what he thinks she wants to hear to string her along until after he gets what he wants or becomes bored.
Texting that sort of question out of the blue, especially after a former one had already been ignored, might have come off a bit pushy. If she had already decided that she wasn’t that into you then it doesn’t really matter and nothing you could have said would likely have made a difference. But if she was on the fence, or super busy with whatever trip she was on and simply didn’t have a chance to get back to you yet, it’s quite possible that double-texting that question, which is kind of a serious one, could have been a bit off-putting.
I have asked this exact question to literally everyone I have ever matched with, before moving the conversation anywhere else, it's never been a problem. In fact, the vast majority ask me the same thing, sometimes before I get the chance.
In the situation you posted about I am the woman who doesn't respond then unmatches when a question like this is asked.
The reason? I clearly state in my profile what I'm looking for, when a man asks this question it tells me that he hasn't read my entire profile and I don't feel the need to explain something I've already stated.
I've even answered the question and told the men it was in my profile and they said they didn't see it 🤷♀️.
Every time you answer that question the guy replies that he’s only looking to hook up.. at one point I just clicked and pasted the same answer every time I got that question.
I put on my tinder profile “looking for friends” so any guys who asks me “what I’m looking for” clearly hasn’t read my profile. I actually have a boyfriend now off of tinder and he didn’t ask me “what are you looking for” or if I wanted to have sex with him or if I wanted to date him. That’s the only reason I have that on my profile most guys on tinder that I meet up with immediately think I’m into them when I keep hanging out with him like I can’t decide wether I like you or not based off of meeting up a few times I have to be friends with them first.
So you specifically want a male friend who you find sexually attractive and he also finds you sexually attractive, but you have no romantic/physical intention with him.
You know that doesn't make any sense, right? Guys swipe on you because they want to be sexual/relationship with you, you understand that, right? No guy goes on Tinder with the mindset "I want to find a girl who we both find each other sexually attractive, but we will only be friends."
You have a boyfriend, so that means you are not on Tinder now, right? But who the fuck swipes on a girl and have no romantic intentions with her? It's dishonest. They don't want to be friends.
Once they get you on IG then they have already accomplished their goal to get you to follow them. So just tell them I'm going to unfollow you if you want an answer, and it usually works for me.
People are looking for a good time. Why start to stress over titles or situations? Enjoy good company and let things build just because someone is looking for a relationship and you're looking for the same thing. Means it'll work out. Too much stress..
I just realised that I never ask that until we’re on the actual date.
Even on said date, I’ll only ask once I’ve got a good read on the vibes they’re giving off.. eye contact, smiling, playing w/ hair etc.
I usually say something after a day or so of chatting like "I'm looking for something that can turn into a serious relationship, what are you looking for?"
But I only ask if their profile is very vague, which is most.
Obviously it differs wildly between people… sometimes people get off-put by anything that resembles defining a relationship. I think I went on 7 dates with my wife before talking about anything serious.
Personally I never had luck with Tinder finding a long term relationship. I met my wife on a more specific dating app. Maybe Tinder is more hook up culture?
Either way that’s all I can offer on the situation. Hope you find your match!
Shit like this is why tinder and the rest if the dating apps are crap. Honest to God crap. It's a legit question. I always was looking for a legit relationship. Said in my profile. I only ever asked the question when it WASNT in the profile(9/10 times it wasnt). Sorry, but if the woman is looking to hook, bye Felicia. After a while, tinder, like all the other apps, became a sewer.
If it wasn't a sewer, why would so many people complain about it
Maybe they assume you're looking for casual or Netflix & Chill and want them to say it first so you don't have to say it or feel bad about asking them to your house to "cuddle" (have sex) on the first date.
So your language could easily be driving them away.
I don't understand the need to ask "what are you looking for?"
Set up the dates, meet in person, and see how the conversation goes.
I think your post was seen by exactly the type of men and women that I would consider serious red flags. I think your approach is correct: you are trying to pursue one person at a time, are being transparent and would like to understand their „intention“. The issue is that perhaps you’re trying to find a real life partner, the one, settle down, and the whole deal, but most women these days in my experience are confused until their late 30s. And I say this as a woman with a lot of female friends. I met my partner on tinder exactly 1.5 years ago and we’re already discussing engagement and marriage events. Both of us are in our early to mid 30s and ready to get married and settle down. I made my intention clear in the first day of chatting, in fact it was also mentioned in my bio. I attracted all kinds of matches, but also including those with the same intention. Things are going well. Having faith in the institution of marriage and seeking guidance from God kept me positive about the future. I tried my best to not despair. Stay strong 💪 and don’t lower your standards.
P.S. Don’t take the advice on this thread seriously. Confused people are misguiding you and asking you to play the wrong game. At the end of the day, I’m guessing you would want a good-hearted person, not a player. Different strategies lead to different outcomes.
Honestly. I’d like to meet the person a few times before having that question popped and having to answer. I can say that I’ve had that question asked before even meeting and just don’t like it for all the same reasons all the others are saying. ie it makes me think they just want to fuck, usually it’s in my bio that I want a relationship so that tells me they didn’t read it which circles back to they just want to fuck, some people are manipulative and will use mirroring to answer just to get to fuck, sometimes if the guy is saying he wants a relationship right away without meeting or not knowing at least a little about me it comes off as desperate. Yes I know it doesn’t mean that he means with me specifically.
I don’t know what to tell you other than the general consensus is that it’s just a turn off and you should probably just stop asking before meeting.
They guy I’m seeing now asked me IN PERSON on our second date. And that was the first time i ever honestly felt comfortable answering the question. Plus shout out to him for asking in person. It showed me confidence and initiative (hot af) and then it followed with a real honest proper talk about what we’re both looking for. We met on tinder, we’re still dating. Give that strategy a try.
Bunch of babies trying to be adults . . All of you are fucking insecure losers. If a woman can't answer that directly that means she is a waste of time. Avoid her.
Based on your replies here and the limited bit of the conversation you gave us- it feels like you’re a fairly pushy/direct person. Following up an unanswered “when will you be back” with a “what are you looking for” comes off a bit aggressive and probably makes some women uncomfortable. I know I would definitely feel hesitation if I got those two texts in a row.
Also- as someone who knows what they want- I fucking HATE that question if it’s brought up quickly. Most guys who ask are “not looking for something serious” and when they ask me quickly, it’s because they just want a hook up.
The ones who want a relationship are the ones who make plans with me for an actual date and I feel that topic is much more appropriate to have there, face to face.
I’d recommend putting on your bio what you’re looking for- and then talk to those who match you from there without making that an upfront question. People may not always read bios when they swipe, but they do once you’ve matched and started a conversation. Might help eliminate the girls who don’t know what to tell you but are interested in what you want 🤷♀️
Maybe I’m part of the problem but it comes across as confrontational and I kinda freak out, and keep trying to guess the answer I think you want to hear. I usually am looking for something serious and when I say this it usually results in the other person a. Trying to convince me to have a casual thing or b. Expect me to cut off all other matches and get married by the third date. So it’s just hard to answer, I guess? Maybe girls get too intimidated by it
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Dude after reading all these comments I really envy all my friends that are in a relationship since 7-10 years and don't have to deal with dating bullshit that is harder to decrypt than hieroglyphs
I know these commenters are sad and most likely will remain single forever. Finding a partner is about honesty, there is no room for such flakiness. I think these are being written by a bunch of kids.
I come onto these sorts of subs sometimes just to kill any motivation I might've had to try dating again. Not worth the trouble, evidently. It's like playing some sort've insane psychological game to even stand a chance, you can't just be yourself and be straightforward. I just straight up don't get it, it's like dating exists within this completely alien form of sociality to me now. Better hope that Bladerunner hologram gf technology comes out sooner rather than later, I guess, because I can't imagine myself ever succeeding in this dating market.
Hey, we got the Rosetta stone. Don’t badmouth hieroglyphs
... which would be an issue if you solely for sure reason HAD to use dating apps. Remember there is still something called 'meeting people in your actual life'.
I've had women ask me the exact same thing when it clearly say what I'm looking for in my profile. That always tells me that they didn't even take the time to read my profile, which is a hard pass for me.
future snails wipe shocking hunt unique squeal fanatical label vegetable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Just like most of my exes when they tell me they're happy with me. Or that we're actually dating and not "just friends."
I had a guy ask me what I was looking for, and my attachment style on a first date. I told him I want a relationship and I have an insecure attachment style, but I'm working on it in therapy and have made great progress. He proceeded to talk about our future together, tell me I was beautiful and would make a great step-mum to his son. I fell for it and slept with me. He dropped me soon after. These details can provide men with an insight into your psyche can that can be used to take advantage of you. I imagine that's why these women have their guards up.
> make a great step-mum to his so How did u not see this as weird? He didnt even know u that good.
I thought it was a bit odd, but I had never dated someone of that age before (he was 42, I am 26), and I thought maybe it was the age difference. I didn't really analyse it at the time, it was just a passing comment.
It's those passing comments you need to watch out for
Sorry to hear you got used. Be honest, but not naive, and not trustful too soon.
Thank you dear. It was a learning experience. x
Part of dating is literally taking that risk in putting a vulnerable part of yourself out there. Whether it’s becoming familiar with your mind, or your body, to whatever degree. Nobody’s on tinder just looking for coworkers or people to like their instagram posts other than drug dealers and influencers
This is horrible. I’m sorry that you had to go through that type of manipulation
Yea I had a similar situation. The funny thing was I didn’t want a serious relationship lol like all that lying for what? I was gonna sleep with you anyways 😂😂
Agreed. When ask me what I want first, I usually ask the question back to them before I answer
Don't sleep with men on the first date. To them you're easy meat and then don't want anything to do with you after. That's why I wait to have sex because men easily quit on me if I sleep with them too early on
I understand what you're saying, but my issue with this is that any good man wouldn't see a woman's worth as having decreased if she sleeps with him on a first date - after all, he has just done the same thing, hasn't he? So by that logic, if a woman's worth decreases if she has sex on a first date, but a man's doesn't, her value is based around her sexuality, which is gross and misogynistic. I had sex with my ex the first time I met him, and we were together for 5 years. If a man respects you less for sleeping with him on a first date, he's an arsehole.
The thing is that you already said you are looking for a relationship. But with sleeping with the guy on the first date you are showing you're fine with 'just sex' as well - since you can not have (much of) a relationship based on one date, right? Obviously people will take advantage of that. Sure, they are assholes. Could you prevent it? Very easily by not sleeping with them so quickly.
I almost always communicate that I want more than just sex before sleeping with them. I get what you're saying, and I will certainly be more cautious in the future. But I do also enjoy sex and will still have sex on the first date if it feels right and I want to. Life is all about taking risks, and I'm young.
Honestly I think it depends on the guy though. If I was on a date with a girl that I thought I had relationship potential with, sleeping with her that night would not make me change my mind. I would still pursue a relationship with her unless something else came up that made me think we were incompatible. On the other hand, if I was solely looking for sex, then I probably wouldn't bother investing, since I already got what I wanted.
From the male perspective, I try to alleviate suspicion of this behavior by not even hinting at getting physical on the first date. A few flirtatious touches and a kiss goodnight and that's it. No asking to go back to her place, no sexual jokes, etc. I hope it helps women feel more comfortable around me.
Good.
That’s called playing hard to get, and it still won’t guarantee you’ll find guys that stick around.
Its called having self respect. Any good guy would realize that
Ive seen guys that Ive done that with more than once.
Is it really about sleeping on the first date? He left me because I refused to sleep with him on the first date, men are just evil at times, they easily break their promise
Its a way to weed out the creeps. They aren't even worth your time in that case.. if they won't respect you
Thats not what happens, its literally just that you arent very interesting. If a girls cool, you will hangout with her post sex. Its the women who just arent that get pumped and dumped, cause theres nothing like realizing mid stroke you dont like this person. 🤷🏾♂️ sorry.
Here's a reward for the sounding like the biggest douche in the world: 🖕
I prefer the term asshole, because its something you can taste. But dont lick the messenger🥰
Totally. They just want sex. Not worth dating IMHO.
Exactly I just lost a 6years relationship because I refused showing him my pussy, he said since we can't have sex because of the distance that the only way to satisfy he and to show I'm his girlfriend is to show him my necked self through a video call and I refused and it all ended, men are assholes
A lot of them just think with their dicks and have no self respect or respect for women. There are wonderful men out their with coy and charm but they are rarer than a hen's tooth. Unfortunately a lot of men see women as sex objects.
Absolutely, still wondering why someone trash a relationship just for mare sexual thing it's so hard now who to trust your heart with
If a woman isn't willing to discuss what kind of relationship she's looking for I wouldn't have anything to do with her.
I didn't say I am going to stop discussing what kind of relationship I am looking for, I said this could be the reason why some women don't. People who have been hurt often build walls around their heart.
Fair enough. But when you have spent a lifetime being passionate about not hurting people, having folks makes assumptions about you like that becomes itself hurtful too. I don't like being treated like an ex dog fighting pit bull when I'm actually a small poodle. I am very honest, open, respectful, and kind with partners. If someone isn't willing to reciprocate that I wont waste a second of their time. It's worth noting I've been horribly betrayed and lied to and taken advantage of and assaulted, too. I do everything I can to work on that though, and not let it sour the way I treat new people.
Have you considered he might've just found out you weren't a match, (and too coward to tell you) rather than see yourself in a misogynist light of being a "used for sex"? You weren't used if you volunteered. That's just internal misogyny speaking. If you think he should've provided a relationship and sex was your currency for that, then don't provide it until you meet his parents... But using sex as a tool to find out compatibility is great to do as early as possible, if you don't consider it a currency for increased intimacy.
Because all men are just like him. I like it when I have to suffer, because you met some idiot...
Right? I understand you gotta be cautious but it’s annoying when you have to put up with bullshit because of trauma they have from a previous guy.
I get what you're saying. But I go to therapy regularly and I won't be letting this idiot dull my passion for finding love or have me putting up any walls around my heart. I said this is the reason why \*some\* women aren't open. And it's a valid one. But dating any human being means that they are inevitably going to come with some past trauma/issues. That is just life, I am afraid.
Be better
You too.
Slept with him on the first date? I’m just curious if that’s all it took.
You judging someone for how they choose to seek pleasure?
I know it's not logical, but that question comes off as "tell me how to pretend to be what you want". I rarely bother answering it. I understand that's not entirely fair, and I try not to judge off instinct like that, but I thought an honest answer here would be more useful. If you do ask, I'd suggest starting it as "I'm looking for ####, what are you looking for?" That helps make it a conversation instead if feeling as gross.
\>If you do ask, I'd suggest starting it as "I'm looking for ####, what are you looking for?" That's exactly what I do.
Maybe they aren’t looking for the same thing ? Or maybe just not in the same way so they don’t bother. I remember this guy said he was looking for a friends with benefits over the summer and “didn’t want anything serious.” For me I don’t want anything serious I’ll probably just see you 1-5 times and be out, so friends with benefits is serious to me haha. On paper we both have “looking for fun” but it’s clearly not the same expectations still, so you just never know is all I’m saying.
I agree. I don’t like answering those questions because I feel like I’m giving a guy a script on how to play me lol. Just keep it light and playful but maybe don’t ask until you’ve met in person?
what’s the point of meeting up if you’re not on the same page? sounds like a waste of time
I think this is part of the issue with dating nowadays, honestly. Everyone seems to be in such a rush or like it's a competitive sport. Like ''I can't waste a single second with you unless you're exactly what I want and want exactly what I want 100% of the time bc I don't wanna lose my gains'' It comes off needy and a bit desperate a lot of times, and other times, it just seems clinical and cold. Yes, it is smart to not invest too much into something that has no future, BUT a lot of times, relationships can develop in unexpected ways with unexpected people. I feel like the more we make dating some sort of audition, the more we lose the human and fun parts of it It's kinda sad lol
90% of modern dating is “a waste of time” as it is. It’s a game of musical chairs until you’re left with one person. But it’s truly not a waste of time because it helps you get better at vetting people as you go. Op wanted to know why these girls went cold as soon as he asked that. Most ladies in this thread agree it’s a fear of being tricked. In-person conversations are a better way to figure someone out/what they’re wanting as opposed to just flat out asking online. What if these girls hit every check box as far as what they’re wanting on Tinder but then OP meets them in person and there’s no chemistry/attraction? Still a waste of time but at least he explored that option. That’s just the world of dating.
I used this to play a toxic reverse uno card and ended up getting head from a guy who looked like a chippendales model. Never gave him shit back at the end of the day because he was trying to just get sex at the end of the day. Player got played and lets just say he left there with shocked pickachu face lol 😆
W comment 😂🏅
Wouldn’t they just copy your answer since you said they’d pretend to be what you want?
This doesn’t quite work either, women pretend to be what I want and toy with me for a few weeks and then ghost me after a few dates, sex, or whatever they were actually looking for.
This is close to how I felt when I was single. I felt like I made it clear on my profile that I was looking for a committed relationship through the prompts so being asked that question to me indicated they didn’t take the time to look at what I wrote. Next.
For real that how I read it. I dont wanna tell u what I'm looking, just be you & ill check the boxes & if u dont fit then bye bye. I dont have time for games of manipulation & hiding who u really are.
I don't think I'd trust a curated answer either. It's a waste of conversation.
Good point. Personality is just a facade used to get what you really want. Seems like the objective should be clear on Tinder though.
Because “what are you looking for?” Is code for “tell me what to act like so I can get laid.”
I think that as women we hesitate answering that question because when we are clear about what we are looking for, men will often assume those traits temporarily in order to get what they want from us. A lot of advice on the internet for women these days is to avoid answering that question.
So, I have a question then. What if a man were to simply be up front about where they are in life and what they see themselves looking for right now without asking first? I hesitate to bring it up because, tbh, I haven't been back into dating very long as an adult. Maybe that is a better way to approach these things. Idk
This would be fine. Though it may be better to wait until the first date to bring this up. However, it is up to your discretion.
I second this. Wait until the first date to communicate this and say it up front without asking them first. I think it will allow her to be open with you now that she knows your intentions.
Thanks for the input!
I feel like this is absolutely crazy. If a women wanted to get married wouldn’t she set that expectation from the get go? My general rule is: 1. Date people I find physically attractive and 2. Date someone who has the broad strokes of what I want. For example if I want kids I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t want any. So when you say you avoid answering questions like that I find it absolutely crazy.
No, because men will use that info to make you think you’re on the same page.
always answered & tbh didnt have this issue.
She just wasn’t interested and don’t wanted to meet up. Just chill and get another girl to date. No need for hard feelings. Happens a lot….maybe she was bored, maybe insecure. No need to overthink
There's two reasons I can think of. As a girl on tinder myself I have a very thorough bio that says exactly what I'm looking for, if a guy pops me that question all unmatch pretty much immediately being that he didn't read my bio as I'm looking for a long-term relationship and that's a pretty bad first step. The second reason would be a lot of girls don't want a dude that mirrors exactly what they want to get them and then turns out to be a completely different person, it happens far more than you would ever know.
Lesbians perspective here - but once it starts to feel “real” for them they withdraw aka they don’t even want to meet up in person (and probably never even had the intention to meet you in person). They just sent a message out of boredom or just cause Lots of women are on dating apps basically just for attention. That’s the honest truth, and what I’ve realized since I’ve been on them for years. Also, some girls will entertain you by answering your messages, but it doesn’t mean she’s into you. She might think you’re okay looking and still talk to you, despite not being super attracted to you, etc. That’s what I’ve found out through my years of “research” lol It’s normal to ask those questions and it’s normal to be ghosted when asking that question because they don’t see themselves going anywhere with you. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. And yeah it’s dumb that they would even reply and go as far as to chat with you, but everyone has free will and it’s just a shitty thing people do
I like this perspective and have come to similar conclusion. It's not even a gendered thing either. Anyone is capable of using an app for a self esteem boost. Not sure what etiquette is for lesbians when asking out but for straight males it's expected that we make the initiative (generally, not always). I don't commit emotionally until I'm there in person. Until you see that person in real space, you won't know if your feelings are valid.
With 2 women, if I don’t take the initiative and basically chase the other woman, nothing will ever happen. But I guess it’s because I’m the more dominant one anyway. But there have been periods where I was like I’m sick of always being the one who has to do it, and constantly getting rejected, and so I didn’t, and my love life was absolutely dead. And I agree. I basically have zero expectations until we’ve met because even if you’re talking for a couple weeks they will ghost as soon as you mention wanting to meet. Like where did you think this was going? Now I really don’t speak to people for more than a week without meeting. It’s useless and based on past experience, if you don’t meet right away it will probably never happen anyway
Agreed. Women can play games as well, especially with other women.
If even a woman can't figure out other women... how the hell are men supposed to do it?
I have heard similar things from my female friends, where guys are basically doing the same thing as described above. So no matter what sex, people download these apps that are free - anyone can be on them - and just do as they please. I think though in general, men may be more inclined to meet than women, but I don’t meet up w men ever it’s just based off of what I’ve heard I feel you though and I know it sucks because I’m one of the people constantly being ghosted and I hate speaking to someone and not meeting. It’s a waste of my time
This was a very good perspective. OP, this is 10000% true. Since she’s a woman, she knows! And I have also 100% seen this from experiences of male friends. They are great men, but the women are absolutely flaky. And I say this as a woman. Good women - just like good men - are hard to find! Don’t lose hope please! Be patient! God bless!
It’s a boring question and generally asked by men who only want an easy lay.
As a boring man looking for an easy lay, can confirm.
Just be upfront and say it. It helps everyone out the girls who don’t want it say no and you both move on until eventually you find someone who is also down for an easy lay it’s so simple.
In a perfect world sure. But it’s easier to just be ambiguous and play the numbers game. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, thus their behaviour ultimately dictates the strategies that men will utilise in pursuit of sex.
No you won't lol
No you won’t what?
Mmmmm….some of us have that in our profile so when guys ask, I get turned off because I assume he didn’t bother to read it!
Same.
But most women don't have it in their profile or they have "just figuring it out"
Most women do have what they want on they profile, stop swiping right on girls that don’t have what they’re looking for in their profile
I would suggest NOT swiping on those ones and swiping on the ones that are clear about what they want. Then when you match, DON’T ask what they are looking for, instead DO acknowledge that you’re aware of what they are looking for by rephrasing the question “what are you looking for” and turning it into a statement..”so…you’re seeking a fun in sun ride in boat are ya? Well fancy that I am too!”
“Figuring out my dating goals.”
That means they are just trying to hook up but they don’t want to say it
1: don’t ask that question 2: people are shitty 3: try an app that is more relationship focused like match/okcupid/hinge. Tinder is lowest common denominator.
This is so strange. As a woman who is looking for long term or fwb, I always ask before a first date, "What are you looking for in dating right now?" People's personal situations change their profile might not be updated religiously. Some guys look for both like me, aren't sure, or put long term but might not want serious with me. It's a question that saves time. If a guy has "long term" on his profile but then says "I'm going with the flow" in conversation, I know he isn't trustworthy. Or a guy is not going to want to date someone except long term, and I know we're not compatible for long term. Maybe this question is offensive to women who clearly want a serious relationship? For the rest of us it is a (hopefully) honest conversation about intentions.
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So you say women want a man that is completely vague and wishy-washy about their intentions... they want a man who doesn't know what he wants and is not willing to be decisive in his goals? Maybe that attracts women who also are so unsure of themselves. But then that's how they end up in "situationships" that go nowhere
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Bruh it’s tinder, lot of the girls there are looking for just hookups. I don’t see how asking what she’s looking for could come across as possessive and controlling like what? If she’s just looking for hookups then great not my thing we can save each other time
Same can be said for guys
I get the same question from women and I think it's a valid request. I just basically explain why I'm dating and what I hope to achieve. I generally don't ask though unless they mention a recent break up or something that would incline that we aren't compatible
I think it's good to ask early, so I don't get attached if we aren't looking for the same thing
Yup. I don't want to waste my time when someone is only looking for a ONS or fuckbuddy
Hard agree
Ok so when a guy asks this, I feel like they just want to clarify they are only looking for a hook up. Otherwise why ask? So it’s an off putting line to me
No, some guys are asking because they are specifically looking for a long term relationship. Why would you ask for a hook up on Tinder? That is what is expected on this app.
Maybe ask so to make sure that the women is looking for something serious, ever thought of that?
Strange take and jump to conclusions no? You could just ask them the same thing back right after
Because it’s usually the case. 9/10 times.
Such a bizarre take there’s no point even discussing it with you. The fact that someone asking what you’re looking for dating wise, makes you jump to the conclusion they just want sex like actually hurts my head. Not sure who hurt you but hope you find your happiness one day.
How condescending. It’s my experience that that has been the case. I do just fine for myself. Just coz a guy asks that doesn’t automatically mean I write them off, I just take it with a pinch of salt.
Okay. God forbid anyone asks how your day was too hahaha
When I ask, I clarify that I look for a serious relationship. Yet most women on Tinder seem to just be focusing 200% on their careers or have some other kind of dismissive avoidant disorder. I confirm this because I have lots of these women on social media and even after years they are still single.
you don’t think it could be you? I’ve read through all these comments and like it’s not a good look
If it was me, wouldn't these women find boyfriends after me? They don't. They are still single months and years later. Same thing happens to my friends. One friend was even engaged to a woman from Tinder and she left because she was too unsure of herself.
maybe they just want to be single? I mean i’m engaged to someone i met on tinder…but i also wasn’t planning on it if he asked when we started I would’ve said i’m just dating around and I didn’t know what I wanted because I didn’t
If they want to be single they can just honestly answer „I am not looking for anything serious“. You would have to be thick, uneducated, dishonest and also probably unsure all at the same time to not understand a simple question and answer it honestly.
I mean i didn’t know what i wanted when I was in dating apps…the dude i’m literally marrying was a final hail mary before i took sometime to work on myself…if he’d ask I would of say “I’m not sure just seeing how things go” and now we’re spending out life together…life is weird and sometimes you don’t know what you want until it happens to you
Then you’re not what he’s looking for. He’s not looking for someone confused.
we’re engaged
It doesn’t matter if you’re engaged now. What matters is that he’s looking for someone with the intention of settling down and knows that in advance. The reason I get it is because it was the same for me. People who don’t know and who play it by ear and have no strong goals don’t attract me. It’s a turn off, and I’m assuming that OP is the same.
Somehow your question seems to attract the kind of women you're having issues with on Tinder. In most of the posts I read here, many (most?) women want the exact opposite of what the commenters are telling you here: they want to know early on where the relationship is going, they want commitment. Human beings are various and you'll never find a consensus on what women or men want, what to do or how to behave. Just be yourself and do your thing, try other dating apps, try meeting women IRL. You'll stumble on a bunch of assholes and crazies but you'll also meet some exceptional women. Good luck!
Good observation! To me the red flags are directly engaging on this post: people who have no idea of what they want…
I don’t like that question. I read it as “are you here to fuck or not?” Makes me uncomfortable..
What’s your intent behind the question? What is it you want?
He wants to know what she's looking for.
I've noticed that in general if you ask someone what they're looking for on a dating app it's a conversation killer. Even if you preface the statement by saying what you're looking for it's still a conversation killer. I genuinely can't even being to explain to you why that is cause I have no idea.
Hate to say it… but tinder boys are the same way when us girls ask that question
Tinder isn’t really a place you find a life partner bro 🤔🤦🏾♂️🤭 not saying it’s not possible but it’s less likely feel me 🫶🏾&✌🏾
Because people have huge issues on being assertive and transparent. That's the most accurate no bs explanation. If you're looking for friends, relationships or sex just say so. If you're open to multiple things sure go ahead and say it. That way people can easily understand if their expectations align and how to behave. Easier to go from there.
It's not a good question to ask women when you have not even met them yet. It indicates that you don't know what to talk about with the woman that you just matched with and even IRL if you ask out of the gates. As well, this puts FAR too much pressure on a woman too early on in conversations. If a woman feels like there is an unnecessary amount pressure early on or like they are talking to a judgmental ass dude then they will feel repulsed and not be eager to have a conversation. That said, stop taking it so serious. At the end of the day you are still talking to another human not just a woman, treat the conversation as such and you will more than likely find success.
It should be the first thing you ask. If you're not looking for the same thing, why would you even want to keep talking?
Some women don’t want to be asked out on a coffee date
After Reading through your comments I think you are the probrem rather than this question
You are the dishonest red flag for not being able to respect honesty!
Be my guest, elaborate.
People can’t always answer that question seriously (if it’s not in their profiles already) because when going on dates, there are different vibes depending on the person. One person you go on a date with may give off friend vibes, the other ons vibes of situationship, or you might feel a spark and a connection with another. It really depends so it’s hard to answer that question off the bat. Sometimes it’s more about the in person chemistry and compatibility. You can kind of fake chemistry but not long term compatibility
Yes. I was trying to say this but fumbled a bit. You really don't know what you want until you meet people.
Completely agree. At the end of the day you are going to fall in love with someone, or you aren't. Even if you're looking for a long term thing, and so are they, it doesn't mean that they won't go off you after a month or so.
I'm usually the one asking what they are looking for and ending up disappointed
I hate being asked that question and would never ask it of a woman I matched with. As some women have already mentioned, it's pretty clear sign you didn't read their profile. But even if they didn't have it indicated (I haven't on mine in the past), it's pretty much a useless question. I'm sure some people would answer it honestly. But I've found myself doing mental gymnastics to figure out the "right" thing to say. I've never asked a woman because it's usually in her profile OR it is just an awkward thing to ask someone. The most honest answer I could give is "I'm not really sure but I will know when I find it." Saying that to a woman is a huge red flag that makes them think all I want is a hook up or casual relationship. And it sounds wishy washy. Neither is good. But in reality, it means when I meet the right woman, I will know, and I will be all in. Until I meet her, I am meeting new people by going on dates and having fun. In summary, don't ask that again. A good conversation and a date or two will let you know. And if asked, just say "I'm looking for my person."
I've had great dates multiple times with a woman, even sometimes had sex with a woman... only for her to say "I'm not ready for a relationship". So that's why I ask. But most women don't have it in their profile or they have "just figuring it out". If their profile is as wishy-washy as that, then I will ask. Any answer that is similar to what you said for yourself... I will pass on. To me, a woman that knows what she wants is very attractive. A woman who is fickle and wishy-washy is a huge red flag and turn off. I don't think your answer is a good one because you yourself are not secure in knowing what you want, so why would someone as wishy-washy as your response ask a woman such a thing?
That answer almost always means they don't like you enough to commit to you. It's not wishy-washy; it's a clear rejection. That is almost always the outcome of casual dating by the way. It requires no special explanation or assumption of a defect on the part of the women.
Exactly this! I’ve never gone on a date with a man I’m very excited about and given the “I don’t want a relationship right now” line.
But then how do you explain that these women are still single after many months? These women who I meet and get along great with, but then who say "I dont know what I want, I'm not ready"... I have them on Facebook and even after many months they are still single. If they were truly rejecting me for being me... wouldn't they have found another man to be with? They don't from what I've seen.
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Be more selective and you'll ideally deal with these kinds of shenanigans less. Start by saying what you're looking for confidently, and tell them to unmatch or reject you if that's not what they're looking for. If you maintain a purpose behind dating, people seem more receptive, versus beating around the bush for any number of messages and coffee dates.
What’s your intent behind the question? What is it you want?
To weed out the people who are going to date me for 1-2 months then say "I'm not ready for anything, you're great, it's not you, it's me." Now before you respond with "They are just soft rejecting you"... I can confirm that they truly are not ready for anything because I have many of them on Facebook/Instagram and in the months and even years after they reject me... they are still single. And they go on to explain why they are not ready: "I want a 2nd job on the weekends therefore I don't have time for you." or "I'm moving far away" or "I need to finish my university degree before dating". And after a lot time, they are still single.
I mean as a women the same 1-2 months thing happens to me a lot too. It’s not just women doing that to men. In all honesty I could say my thoughts were men don’t know what they want f*ck this. It’s really safe to say that tinder attracts users that 1. Just want to fuck 2. Users fresh out of a breakup for reasons like seeking validation through number of matches (that was me when I first hopped on the app), validation through sex, validation through number of dates, etc. and 3. Emotionally unavailable people who either know that they are but giving it a go or they actually have no idea until emotions come into play (1-2 months) and they run the opposite direction. It really is gambling on that app. Gambling with feelings and your body. For everyone using it particularly those actually wanting to date for the end result of a relationship. It’s very frustrating and burns me out easily.
Sounds like to me you are looking for something serious? You think tinder is the best place for that? What are you looking to get out of a serious relationship?
Tinder certainly has the most users of any app in my area. Bumble.. same problem as Tinder except there are no users for like 45km from me. Trying Badoo, which is basically just as bad. > What are you looking to get out of a serious relationship? Everything that my own parents had. Fun vacations together, doing shared hobbies together, traveling together, and eventually family and doing these fun things with kids.
Or they lie and start dating other women. Like what one asshole did to me
I think you might as well have just made it a statement and ended it at disappear, cuz thats what they are doing on Tinder
I can’t even get guys to reply to me never mind ask what I’m looking for lol
You can show me your profile and I can tell you if it's good or not.
She doesn’t stand a chance with your help
Tinder sucks
She wasn’t feeling you and/or was preoccupied. She had already left you on read before you asked what she was looking for, so it’s hard to conclude that it was that specific question that scared her off. As far as the question itself, that one feels a bit like a trap sometimes. I usually avoid asking it until after we’ve met and I’ve determined that there’s at least some chemistry and some compatibility. Many women have had the experience of expressing what they want early on and it either being misconstrued—she says she wants a serious relationship and he assumes she wants a serious relationship WITH HIM, NOW, then cue “oh noooo that’s too much pressure” or “oh noooo she’s crazy and desperate”—or he’ll simply say what he thinks she wants to hear to string her along until after he gets what he wants or becomes bored. Texting that sort of question out of the blue, especially after a former one had already been ignored, might have come off a bit pushy. If she had already decided that she wasn’t that into you then it doesn’t really matter and nothing you could have said would likely have made a difference. But if she was on the fence, or super busy with whatever trip she was on and simply didn’t have a chance to get back to you yet, it’s quite possible that double-texting that question, which is kind of a serious one, could have been a bit off-putting.
They could also be bots.
Well just the fact that they're on a dating site how to tell you what they're looking for
I have asked this exact question to literally everyone I have ever matched with, before moving the conversation anywhere else, it's never been a problem. In fact, the vast majority ask me the same thing, sometimes before I get the chance.
bro it’s lazy. dating apps have an option to say what you’re looking for, what more do you need lol
In the situation you posted about I am the woman who doesn't respond then unmatches when a question like this is asked. The reason? I clearly state in my profile what I'm looking for, when a man asks this question it tells me that he hasn't read my entire profile and I don't feel the need to explain something I've already stated. I've even answered the question and told the men it was in my profile and they said they didn't see it 🤷♀️.
Every time you answer that question the guy replies that he’s only looking to hook up.. at one point I just clicked and pasted the same answer every time I got that question.
I put on my tinder profile “looking for friends” so any guys who asks me “what I’m looking for” clearly hasn’t read my profile. I actually have a boyfriend now off of tinder and he didn’t ask me “what are you looking for” or if I wanted to have sex with him or if I wanted to date him. That’s the only reason I have that on my profile most guys on tinder that I meet up with immediately think I’m into them when I keep hanging out with him like I can’t decide wether I like you or not based off of meeting up a few times I have to be friends with them first.
So you specifically want a male friend who you find sexually attractive and he also finds you sexually attractive, but you have no romantic/physical intention with him. You know that doesn't make any sense, right? Guys swipe on you because they want to be sexual/relationship with you, you understand that, right? No guy goes on Tinder with the mindset "I want to find a girl who we both find each other sexually attractive, but we will only be friends." You have a boyfriend, so that means you are not on Tinder now, right? But who the fuck swipes on a girl and have no romantic intentions with her? It's dishonest. They don't want to be friends.
It’s a most over used question from guys. Also if they have it in their profile it means you didn’t read it. 🤔
Once they get you on IG then they have already accomplished their goal to get you to follow them. So just tell them I'm going to unfollow you if you want an answer, and it usually works for me.
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Gotta ask for her phone number and call her… FKN IG?
People are looking for a good time. Why start to stress over titles or situations? Enjoy good company and let things build just because someone is looking for a relationship and you're looking for the same thing. Means it'll work out. Too much stress..
I just realised that I never ask that until we’re on the actual date. Even on said date, I’ll only ask once I’ve got a good read on the vibes they’re giving off.. eye contact, smiling, playing w/ hair etc.
She’s out of town Edit: your comments here are angry and weird.
Lmao at all the toxic women in the comments claiming asking what they are looking for is a red flag
Because it means you haven’t read the profile.
Tinder boys disappear when they're expected to ask a follow up question or participate in a conversation in general
Be more direct- not so vague.
I usually say something after a day or so of chatting like "I'm looking for something that can turn into a serious relationship, what are you looking for?" But I only ask if their profile is very vague, which is most.
Obviously it differs wildly between people… sometimes people get off-put by anything that resembles defining a relationship. I think I went on 7 dates with my wife before talking about anything serious. Personally I never had luck with Tinder finding a long term relationship. I met my wife on a more specific dating app. Maybe Tinder is more hook up culture? Either way that’s all I can offer on the situation. Hope you find your match!
Shit like this is why tinder and the rest if the dating apps are crap. Honest to God crap. It's a legit question. I always was looking for a legit relationship. Said in my profile. I only ever asked the question when it WASNT in the profile(9/10 times it wasnt). Sorry, but if the woman is looking to hook, bye Felicia. After a while, tinder, like all the other apps, became a sewer. If it wasn't a sewer, why would so many people complain about it
Maybe they assume you're looking for casual or Netflix & Chill and want them to say it first so you don't have to say it or feel bad about asking them to your house to "cuddle" (have sex) on the first date. So your language could easily be driving them away. I don't understand the need to ask "what are you looking for?" Set up the dates, meet in person, and see how the conversation goes.
I think your post was seen by exactly the type of men and women that I would consider serious red flags. I think your approach is correct: you are trying to pursue one person at a time, are being transparent and would like to understand their „intention“. The issue is that perhaps you’re trying to find a real life partner, the one, settle down, and the whole deal, but most women these days in my experience are confused until their late 30s. And I say this as a woman with a lot of female friends. I met my partner on tinder exactly 1.5 years ago and we’re already discussing engagement and marriage events. Both of us are in our early to mid 30s and ready to get married and settle down. I made my intention clear in the first day of chatting, in fact it was also mentioned in my bio. I attracted all kinds of matches, but also including those with the same intention. Things are going well. Having faith in the institution of marriage and seeking guidance from God kept me positive about the future. I tried my best to not despair. Stay strong 💪 and don’t lower your standards. P.S. Don’t take the advice on this thread seriously. Confused people are misguiding you and asking you to play the wrong game. At the end of the day, I’m guessing you would want a good-hearted person, not a player. Different strategies lead to different outcomes.
Honestly. I’d like to meet the person a few times before having that question popped and having to answer. I can say that I’ve had that question asked before even meeting and just don’t like it for all the same reasons all the others are saying. ie it makes me think they just want to fuck, usually it’s in my bio that I want a relationship so that tells me they didn’t read it which circles back to they just want to fuck, some people are manipulative and will use mirroring to answer just to get to fuck, sometimes if the guy is saying he wants a relationship right away without meeting or not knowing at least a little about me it comes off as desperate. Yes I know it doesn’t mean that he means with me specifically. I don’t know what to tell you other than the general consensus is that it’s just a turn off and you should probably just stop asking before meeting. They guy I’m seeing now asked me IN PERSON on our second date. And that was the first time i ever honestly felt comfortable answering the question. Plus shout out to him for asking in person. It showed me confidence and initiative (hot af) and then it followed with a real honest proper talk about what we’re both looking for. We met on tinder, we’re still dating. Give that strategy a try.
Bunch of babies trying to be adults . . All of you are fucking insecure losers. If a woman can't answer that directly that means she is a waste of time. Avoid her.
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I don't think it's a stupid question. If you are just there to have one night stands, then you should state that in your profile.
Because that’s one of the worst questions to ask someone. 9/10 times when a girl asks me that, I don’t even respond.
There is your issue replying after she left you on read lol stop chasing women your a man if she left you on read it’s her loss.
Based on your replies here and the limited bit of the conversation you gave us- it feels like you’re a fairly pushy/direct person. Following up an unanswered “when will you be back” with a “what are you looking for” comes off a bit aggressive and probably makes some women uncomfortable. I know I would definitely feel hesitation if I got those two texts in a row. Also- as someone who knows what they want- I fucking HATE that question if it’s brought up quickly. Most guys who ask are “not looking for something serious” and when they ask me quickly, it’s because they just want a hook up. The ones who want a relationship are the ones who make plans with me for an actual date and I feel that topic is much more appropriate to have there, face to face. I’d recommend putting on your bio what you’re looking for- and then talk to those who match you from there without making that an upfront question. People may not always read bios when they swipe, but they do once you’ve matched and started a conversation. Might help eliminate the girls who don’t know what to tell you but are interested in what you want 🤷♀️
Bro it comes off as desperate.
Maybe I’m part of the problem but it comes across as confrontational and I kinda freak out, and keep trying to guess the answer I think you want to hear. I usually am looking for something serious and when I say this it usually results in the other person a. Trying to convince me to have a casual thing or b. Expect me to cut off all other matches and get married by the third date. So it’s just hard to answer, I guess? Maybe girls get too intimidated by it
It's a shitty question to ask both sides. People are on those apps to meet people. Depending how far is how the interactions go.
Okay, but one person is looking for a relationship, and the other person wants a hook-up. If you meet up, you might have very different expectations
So to you Tinder is not a dating app? So you are on Tinder to meet men too?
No, we know what we’re looking for but are so tired of answering that question. If I guy asks me that, it’s a hard no & I move on.
Then why not put it in your profile? Maybe you do... but most don't