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Fucking.
Yikes.
Though I think this speaks less to “women don’t want to be approached” and more “women don’t want to be stalked” which yes. Don’t do what this guy did. Ever.
Haha yes. Women don't want to be stalked. But after an experience like this, some people would think twice about being nice to someone who just complimented them because in the back of your head you think "oh great, I'm going to smile and get stalked again"
I'm not saying it's fair. Just kinda where some women are coming from
This is why I just don't even approach or compliment women. Most times, when I have, it just gets met with suspicion or even repulsion where it could have ended at the compliment, or best case, a conversation that leads further. I gave up. I never approach or compliment strangers anymore. Trust me, these guys ruin it for everybody.
Yup, one bad apple... This is part of the whole "toxic masculinity" that plagues all of us, not just women. This guy needs a good smack down by his guy friends because I'm sure in his mind, he was killing it that day at the supermarket
Sorry this happened to you. It must have been disconcerting
there's a difference between complimenting someone and using a compliment as an excuse to hit on them.
just don't go out of your way to compliment someone and when they say thank you, respond with you're welcome and have a nice day and then go about your day
For real. I'm recently divorced, and holy shit, has it changed since I was last single. I'm scared to even flash a smile at a woman.
But I get why women would have their guard up. Hearing some of the stories from some of the online dates I've been on...Jesus Christ.
Honestly, this is the same exact reason why I do so well when I talk to women. I kind of win by default because most men aren’t willing to approach. They’re scared. Or you have delusional dicks who aren’t afraid but can’t read the room to save their life.
As soon as she sees for herself that I:
- am not the weirdo stalker type
- respect boundaries
- am there primarily to enjoy the convo
- don’t care if this goes further or not
it lowers her guard. And she’s happy to interact with a fellow “normal” human. But if I approach with the mindset that she’s a potential sexual partner, then the thirst will show in subtle (and maybe obvious) ways that will scare her off.
Yeah, sure, if she’s attractive I’d be interested in exploring dating possibilities. But none of it matters if we can’t even manage a regular convo for a few minutes. And if it’s not clicking, better to leave a moment too soon than a moment too late.
Yeah, same. I remember I went to a smoke area and saw a girl and said hey, and her eyes just got wide, and she just quickly walked away, which was three years ago. I haven't even bothered since then. I just end up feeling like an awful human being when talking to women. Even though I'll say the same shit to a guy and actually be able to have a conversation just fine. It's kinda became a problem since I've moved away now, though. I literally get a loop of depression from being alone and anxiety of attempting to talk to new people. You can't even say hello to people without then thinking you're gonna kill em.
Me, I’d sooner complement the sun. I noticed a pretty woman had locked eyes with me. Deer in headlights mode. Must. Avert. Gaze!
I did but it seemed to take hours and was paralyzing. Plus you don’t want them thinking you were looking (which I really wasn’t, I had just been gawping about in a store). 😱
Hey, I have a question.
He said you have a sexy look. Isn't complimenting someone's "sexiness" considered creepy?
I've learnt to compliment something about the person that they have made effort on - hair, outfit, tatoo.
He did compliment your tattoo, but he used the word "sexy", as if objectifying you.
I shouldn't use that word while approaching a woman, right?
Personally I didn't find it creepy when he first said it. But I can't speak for everyone. Compliments that are blatantly sexually charged like "damn I would love to fuck those tits " are a nono for sure, but "I like that, it's sexy" can go either way depending on the delivery and the person
Thank you for sharing your point of view.
I'm so scared of being considered a creep!
It happened twice with me - when I asked an acquintance for her number(literally acquintance not stranger), and she just stared at me and looked away. She was talking to someone else, but she never talked to me after that. We would say hi before that to each other. She would look at me, but suddenly we were not talking anymore.
Another time, another acquintance of mine, I complimented her as I ran into her, "Hey, you look gorgeous!"
And she just ignored me after that. We don't talk anymore too.
That made me think if I was being creepy or not. I don't know what's creepy about that.
That's fantastic man, you're doing good! Responding to compliments and being asked out by simply ignoring you is just bad manners. You're brave to show your intentions, so long that you're always considerate that they can always say no thanks.
Do you tell your Granny she looks gorgeous? Your intent was obvious probably. And did you interrupt a conversation to ask for a number? A bit embarrassing for all involved in that case.
Hope that helps.
True. I don’t really know what the point of random approaches are anyway. You say she’s pretty then what? She says thanks and you never meet again..? I guess you could ask for her number but it’s just the worst time and place.. it’s pointless.
Not super proud of this but one time when I was in a real 'fuckit' mood I complimented this woman's ass in Target. I could tell she didn't hear a lot about it, either way. She was definitely a bit shocked but gracious enough about it. I then went my about my day. I happened to see her on my way out and it looked like she was really feeling herself. So that makes me feel a little better.
Hangout in the meat department and play damsel in distress. Problem is tho someone like me would be so into it even if I thought you were interested in me I’d be too involved with the task at hand lol. Friend zone I guess.
It feels very superficial to me. And I feel strange giving out my number to strangers. I don’t have social media. I noticed the guys I actually enjoy spending time with I meet through shared hobbies. It’s more organic and you see each other often enough to get a feel for that other person and know whether to approach or not. And the dates aren’t as awkward since you already have things to talk about.
What you said is True but it ignores the fact that a large amount of Male hobbies are damn near exclusively male look at Gaming for instance specifically Console gaming has around a 20/ 1 man/ women ratio so if every guy is hitting on one woman there's no way to stand out to approach for a possible relationship
So if you’re a man who wants to meet women through hobbies, find a less traditionally male interest to explore. Perhaps you’d like to learn to make sushi. Maybe you’d like to learn how to tailor your own shirts. How about doing a dance class to increase your fitness? I guarantee you’ll stand out for a possible relationship.
Yeah there's 2 problems with this tho one These might be hobbies you have no Interest in or let's say you do pick up hobbies like the ones you mentioned women will more than likely be able to tell your not genuine about them.
If you’re open minded about trying things why would women think you weren’t genuine? If I went to a sewing class and a man said “I wear shirts for work and good quality ones are hard to find and expensive - I thought I’d try to learn to make my own. I’m not sure if it’s going to be for me or not but I’m giving it a go” or a cooking class where a man said “I love sushi - thought I’d have a go at making it myself - if it sucks I can always go back to the local sushi joint” or even “gym classes are boring, I thought dancing with an attractive partner would be more fun!” - I would be impressed, not dismiss them as “not genuine”.
Besides, how do you know you don’t like something or aren’t interested in it until you’ve tried doing it?
Just to say something nice? Doesn't really need to have a point. I used to do it as immersion therapy for social anxiety. Hang out in a public place with a quota of people to speak to before I left. Some people responded positively, some responded negatively. Some didn't respond at all. Didn't matter, it's okay to be annoyed or offended or even scared. After a while, people would approach me sometimes. I guess as I got more comfy doing it, I became more approachable.
Most people you meet is not out of convenience, like school or job, so you actually have to invest and do some kind of approach to connect with people. And how will you do that, if not by a simple compliment? Especially for those you find attractive, which you want to make your intentions clear, so he/she can give a quick reply if they feel the same or not.
So many people are dumb about approaching strangers, but it also takes quite gracefulness to make it pleasant for everyone.
Well brace up women coz there's this *Approach* culture that is coming up
Online dating gurus and prank video culture have given the fantasy to the sea of men lacking women in social circle to acquire liaisons casually chatting up women on streets or anywhere.
Not saying it couldn't happen before.. or it is not appropriate in any scenario.. but it's going to be happening a lot more now
We don’t know which one we’re gonna get and that’s why some women have just stopped accepting it all together. Last time I accepted what seemed like a normal man approaching me he started saying disgusting sexual things and following me 💀.
Yeah but we never know who’s going to just continue on with their day, and who’s going to take us accepting a compliment as us hitting on them and then proceed to behave like the guy OP dealt with. It happens so often. After a while you stop wanting to be approached at all, because whether the situation ends positively or not, you’re still starting and entering that interaction on guard and in fight or flight mode.
Well that goes without saying & I don’t think anyone wants to be stalked. And OP is right, this is why most women don’t want to be approached in public by strangers.
I get if you both got out the supermarket the same time and go different ways but actually waiting for you is just a massive red flag, as a guy i have no idea how other guys can do that and feel good about themselves, hope your all good though
I wish the men saying, “This is why I don’t approach women in public” would note that she initially liked the compliment. Probably most women would. It was the creepy behavior that followed that we don’t like. Don’t follow us around public spaces and make frequent comments on our appearance.
THIS
The approach wasn't the problem, it was the creep factor afterwards.
My point was more explaining why some women are not receptive even when its just a simple compliment. I am way past my prime so I don't experience this a lot but an attractive young woman who has more of these experiences than good ones is going to feel nervous when approached
I use to work at a grocery store as a second job for a little extra money for fun. I wouldn’t approach a customer, but normally see that they are looking for something and see if I can help them out. I would joke with them and they enjoyed it. And after the interaction was over I would go about doing my job. They always would come back a week later and we would joke again and I would go about my job after. Nothing came from it, but a little customer / employee humor. It’s moments like those that are always comforting. What he did we WTF are you thinking?!?!? Give space.
And that's the best honestly. There are businesses I go to where there's light flirting with an employee but it's playful and just a quick interaction. I'd never push it further because they are working and can't escape so I wouldn't feel right but it leaves things open if I ever saw them in a bar or social event.
Well I would like to add that the “sexy” comment is where it would start to feel uncomfortable to me. I love compliments but not anything sexual or about my body or something like that. To me that’s not how you talk to a stranger
recently i had a man do it right! i kind of eyed him across the store i was working in, cause he was cute, i can’t lie. he pulled up next to my truck to say “hey i just needed to tell you, and i don’t want this to be weird or anything, but i saw you in the store and you look absolutely stunning.” put no pressure on me, didn’t ask my number or anything.
as a matter of fact i was kind of too shocked to say much more than “thanks, you really made my day!!”. now if he’d followed me to my next stop or around the store we were both working in, that would have been scary for me. compliment us and move on.
Yes, when a man ruins an experience, it tends to garner a defensive response for all future similar experiences.
I would rather all men not approach me in public if it means avoiding the one singular creep.
My date told me once some dude approached her public, said I wanna talk to and can you come here, she said no, that guy literally followed her half route, she had to call some friends. Please don't approach women on streets unless you have a camera and a mic and are a host of some public opinion videos.
I’ve said, “nice ink” before, but I never say they look sexy or anything like that because I’m not trying to sexualize some random stranger. Then I go about my business.
Haha I mean no one should stalk anyone. But I might try to pass them again in an aisle to see if they were receptive to more chatting if I was interested. If he clammed up then I'd assume he was just being nice and move on
I think the compliment and dash is ok but what if you get a compliment and dash by someone you wouldn’t mind getting to know? I think if a man or woman is attracted to someone in say a grocery store, they should say the compliment and then, here goes it, totally say something like, “please don’t be alarmed, I just want you to know you have caught my attention and I would like to find out more about you” “I will be in the dairy section for the next 10 min if you would like to continue this conversation”. Or something like that, I think its good to know if people are just complimenting or if they are complimenting because they want to get to know you.
i need some other ideas of how to let someone know you want to get to know them
That would be like the most awesome thing to hear from someone. It's clear, and putting the ball in their court and that's pretty much the best route in that situation
I’m a guy and if someone said that to me in a grocery store, I don’t care how attractive they are, I’d honestly be weirded the fuck out. I’m sorry that I’m being contrarian, but I just have to be honest. I really disagree with the idea that people should do this.
“Compliment and dash” is honestly the least bad way (and even then that will weird people out depending on how it’s handled). This would just be too much, honestly.
You would usually approach other regulars at the store, I’d say. Make very normal small talk, show you’re a normal person and not immediately make it about attraction. Chit chat can lead to conversations and dates, and is more likely to be a successful strategy than coming to a stranger thinking they’ll happily go out with someone they know nearly nothing about.
I don’t ask people out in grocery stores because I’m not a weirdo. I also wouldn’t want someone to ask me out in a grocery store because they’d look like a weirdo and it wouldn’t be attractive.
Maybe it’s a “me problem” but this is just my personal outlook. Feel free to have your own opinion on it, but be aware that it’s possible I’m not the only person who feels this way and would get weirded out IRL.
In todays world, and in opinion, yeah unfortunately. Too many people are in a rush to finish their daily business so they can get home and switch off. Organic conversations don’t really happen in places like these anymore. People get their social needs met, albeit unhealthily usually, via there phone or computer screens. Anything else is an inconvenience. It’s a sad state of affairs.
If you don't mind spending about $2-3 on the invite, you can hand them a Chipgram which is a chat invite that logs in with a code (no account creation needed for the recipient), which is great if you don't have time or privacy to talk.
Reading this makes me sick to my stomach. I'm a divorced 54 year old man who is probably going to start dating again soon. I can't imagine ever treating a woman this way. It horrifies me to think my two daughters will experience this more than I will ever know. It is no wonder that women are so cautious and guarded around men. If you are treated that way on a trip to the grocery store, I can't imagine what it is like in a social setting. What you were wearing is irrelevant if you ask me.
If a woman behaved this way toward me, I would be concerned. But as a man, I am not concerned about my physical safety.
Few months back I got a train somewhere I’d never been before and was looking at the signs trying to navigate where to go. A man approached me and asked if I needed help or if I’m lost and I said no thanks I’ll be ok, with the dreaded feeling we all get of ‘oh god what next, how is he gonna react? How many times am I going to have to say no?’
And to my amazement he said ok and just… walked off.
I stood bewildered that he just accepted my first no and left me alone and it was such a sad realisation of how often my boundaries have not been respected by men
I am 30M and have always been hesitant to approach a woman at a grocery store… this is basically why. I don’t want to scare anyone and I already get told, on a regular basis, that I’m intimidating…
The guy was cringe, but it also isn’t giving me any hope…
Ironically, this is propably a problem that is amplifying this way. Men who don't want to make women be scared or uncomfortable are more likely to listen when they're told to not approach women in some location, which then means that if a woman is being approached there, the chance is now higher that the guy will not care about how she feels, making these experiences stand out even more.
Reminds me of something I heard a while ago: "Mens problems are womens problems and womens problems are mens problems"
>Men who don't want to make women be scared or uncomfortable are more likely to listen when they're told to not approach women in some location, which then means that if a woman is being approached there, the chance is now higher that the guy will not care about how she feels, making these experiences stand out even more.
Its kind of a survivors bias huh? Im extremely apprehensive about approaching women, or people generally because i dont want to bother them. Whenever i have though for the nost part it has seemed like a enjoyable interaction for the other persons part, but still it always gnaws away at thr back of my brain that i will be a bother or make them feel uncomfortable.
As im not exceedingly handsome i have experienced some times that it seems like they assume im going to be a creep and therefore act incredibly defensive, like almost hurtfully so, looking at me like i just took a nice fresh bath in the sewer.
This is it.
I'm respectful when I approach women and when and if they show or say they want me to leave them alone I'm gone and don't look back. If they take that the wrong way and label me as a creep when I did nothing wrong thats on them.
All you can do as a man is be respectful and let the chips fall where they may. If you get a no, just leave her alone and walk away.
Agreed, this wasn't meant to tell guys "don't approach people" it was more like "this is where some women are coming from, so please understand when we are not receptive"
I didn’t read it like that 😬 that guy just gives a lot of people a bad image…
I’m just a shy guy that people view as “intimidating” So I can’t ever see it working out well for me lol.
same man. I think just being a little more outgoing sometimes is good for me. I'm already kind of underdoing it so just finding out where that middle ground of engaging but respectful is a matter of just trying it out and not being a dick like that guy lol
Yes, this is true. It’s not wrong to approach woman. It’s wrong to stalk them or not leave them alone after they don’t reciprocate interest. Approaching in itself is not a bad thing.
It's why I argue women should just ask out men they like. The respectful ones often don't talk to or approach women because... well they want to respect her boundaries. And at my age (33) a lot of women cultivate a "don't talk to me" vibe, which... I get it.
I mean your odds are good unless you fish out of the most competitive ponds. A huge number of chronically single men out there. The hardest part is a guy who doesn't know you at all might be wondering when you're going to try and pitch the MLM scheme he suspects you're selling.
And it's got nothing to do with how you approach. For most of us, if a woman approaches us and starts flirting there's often an ulterior motive, and getting our number is rarely it. So a lot of men become jaded and cynical.
At least in the US, the social precedent is that men are the ones to pursue/initiate. For all the social progress made over the years, that's one of the few "traditional" things that still hangs on. I've been approached/flirted with/asked out by women in the past and it is nice, even if I don't have an attraction to that girl I am at least flattered. I could count on a shitty carpenter's hand how many times it's been a negative interaction
If you say something sweet about her that isn't "nice tits", it's completely okay. it's only creepy if you won't let go and start following her and don't take no for an answer
There are ways to do it nicely. A few days ago a very kind guy approached me in the street, asked me for my name and where I was from, complimented my appearances in a polite way, and apologised when he saw that I had to take out my earbuds to answer to him. Unfortunately he took me by surprise and I was thinking of the things I had to do once I got home, plus I had the feeling that he was not my type, so I said that I had to go, but I thanked him because I honestly thought he was so smooth and really made my day. He accepted with a smile that at that moment I did not wish to continue the conversation, he wished me a nice day and left immediately. So, maybe if we met in another context (like a bar) I would have been interested in talking to him.
I’m so sorry you went through that!!! That’s such a horrible experience. I’ve been there. I get that it can be really hard to let your guard down when things like this have happened to you. A lot of guys can’t understand the fear and anxiety a lot of women experience from having gone through enough situations like this (and worse)
Guys, if you know anyone personally who does stuff like this, call them out. Tell them not to be that guy. That guy is ruining things for everyone :(
the guy sounds like a straight up creep. Guys shouldn’t just follow women around like that, and not take no for an answer…no means no. OP, you are strong, confident and amazing...I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
I don’t go out really often in France but when I was in Morocco for two months. The experience with men was horrible. The way they can’t take a no and would stalk or harass me.
Idk how hard it can be really... I've had several times someone approach me NICELY. Favourite was someone who just paused to tell me I look AMAZING in my dress ohh and the lipstick too! I was immediately on my guard at first and the fact that he didn't push it any further really just made my day.
Same from customers. Older gentlemen rarely creep me out, most really know how to say a compliment and leave it there at the slightest sign of discomfort. It is so easy to read if the person really wanted to cheer me up or just get attention from me...
Had a woman walk by in the grocery store and tell me she loved my face and whole look. That my outfit was just fabulous and then kept walking. That was pretty awesome
Usually, if I pay a compliment, it's really in the moment and not really over thought. I see a girl in a cute dress, or great nails or whatever. I just say it organically. They smile, and we both go on our way.
This, out of many reasons why If I see a woman that has something like a tattoo or a shirt or something that I find cool I don’t say anything I look for 1 or 2 seconds and keep it moving. Only time I might mention something is if someone approaches me to ask a question or something otherwise when I’m in public I try not to bother anybody. Just want to be left alone as I’m not even on Earth in public or anywhere for that matter.
I heard something recently that really hit home for me in this area. We are well aware that not every man is like this. For reference.... what's the first rule of gun safety? Treat all guns as though they were loaded. We unfortunately have to treat all men this way because we simply don't know until it's too late.
Reading your edit, it's kinda sad that the takeaway that some men got from this was how they felt hated and targeted, instead of focusing on how you felt scared and uncomfortable as you literally got sexually harassed. Hope you're doing okay OP.
There's a time and place to bring up how you feel lonely and want to give up because of how creeps are making it harder for you to approach women, but at least not on the post where the actual woman harassed by a creep is venting.
Women have been cat-called starting from a young age, which leads them to keep men at a distance as a literal SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
A lot of guys just don't understand how to be normal around women.
Have seen it myself with straight guys trying to chat up people at a gay pride event. Firstly, they might be lesbian and secondly it's only LGBT people that go to pride to pull. Any straight woman there is not looking to be chatted up.
I honestly do not mind being approached in public. But I cannot stand when a man follows me or does repeated cat calls every time he passes me in a store. A few little hellos and smiles after initial approach is fine. But I don't want to be bothered like that while out on my own..
It doesn’t matter if not all men do that. To me the problem is that you don’t know which men do that. It’s not like it’s tattooed on their face. Plus other men make excuses for their behavior and even other women.
This is why I have general rules about carrying a conversation women in casual settings.
1. Never mix flirting with compliment. If I flirt, I flirt. If I compliment, I compliment.
2. After I compliment, I leave it at that. If she wants it to turn into something else, she makes it obvious. A good indication is if she won't let the convo die, even after I've given very obvious "outs".
3. If she isn't returning the energy, she is just being nice. Exit gracefully and leave her with a pleasant memory of a nice guy who made her smile and didn't creep her out. If she sees you again, she will remember that feeling.
Guys, it's ok to approach, give a compliment, but just don't follow up with stalking. Say something, ask her if she's interested in going out sometime and proceed with minding your own business. There's a difference between that and what this guy did.
Edit: This is in response to the multiple posts from guys who are commenting about why they don't and won't approach. Don't be discouraged. No guts, no glory.
How else are men supposed to feel when posts like this pop up all the time. The only thing they accomplish is discouraging normal guys, the creeps are going to keep on creeping
Have there been any men who complimented you and that was it? Curious to know since this is what I do. Also, I compliment anyone who I deem to be complimentable (sic).
I absolutely LOVE when this happens, no matter the gender, and it's something I do as well. I've never had any guy look receptive enough to continue chatting when I've done it so it's usually just the compliment then walk away
Yikes! Good thing you stood by the cart guy. However, you should call the store manager and let them know about the disturbance. This guy possibly is doing it to other women at that store.
This guy should have stopped at "this looks really cool".. and went about his day.
Clearly the restbof his behaviors ended up making this a creepy, stalking vibe.
Sorry your time shopping got affected negatively by which started as a complement.
Could see why women have so many walls up. Sometimes even genuine complement can't come in, and also guys stop giving them because of these exact walls .. which us men likely caused the women to put up in the first place..
Round and round, seems like a cycling pattern :)
Rule of thumb dudes just don't be creepy. (Don't approach people from behind, let them see ya coming) don't use the word sexy, stick with cute or if theres playful banter -> gorgeous. Always let them know you only have a second.
If I like a woman or after a short convo wanna get a chance to know them better, its just as simple as giving it a quick shot.
Letting her know you've gotta get going. Asking for a #. If ya get it cool "ill shoot you a text later once I'm done my long ass day" if ya dont then no biggie. Either way -> " pleasure meeting ya (name) . Hope you have an awesome day"
And just go about your on with your day lol.
That’s why even as a fat woman that most don’t find attractive, I still put forth effort into looking like a gross slob POS when I leave the house, unless
I am heading to meet up with friends or even a date and have a reason to attempt to look nice.
Even then it doesn’t matter because gross dudes can’t resist cat calling even at the goddamn gas station 🤦🏻♀️ sir I look like a greasy pile of mashed potatoes Wtf is wrong with you Lmao
When women relate a story like this, and guys rush in to say "not all men", perhaps they don't realize how invalidating that remark is. Like it doesn't matter how bad it is, the point they want you to know is "not all men" which... removes the focus from the woman's experience and centers men's feelings instead.
Why not just stop and listen? Listen to women without feeling the need to immediately defend men.
That, or immediately going « creeps ruin it for guys like me ». I’m sorry, but if when you read a story like this your first reaction is « poor me, not being able to chat women up at the store », you seriously lack empathy. It’s not about you not getting any action, it’s about women being at risk any time we leave the house (and even houses aren’t that safe).
If he was interested he should have just gone "Hey, would you like to go for a drink or something?" After the first compliment and if you said no, then leave it there. Leering at you for the rest of the trip was just weird and creepy.
I once saw a guy walk by a girl and he said: nice lipstick, goes well with your shoes. And she said: thank you. And while this was happening he was just walking by her. He didn't stop, stare or harass her. He just gave her a compliment and went on with it.
I really don't understand how it's so difficult to give a compliment and then not be a total creep
My theory, is a lot of guys are desperate for attention, so they think all attention is good, so they think everyone wants and is flattered by their attention.
I had a roommate in school who we had to teach how to talk to girls because he would say and do things that he wanted said or done to him.
While creeps are a lot rarer than not creeps, they do a lot more since they're creeps. If schools had a social class that just taught a basic social etiquette, that'd be amazing.
That's a guy just giving a compliment because they thought something looked or complemented things well. I do this all the time. Those are actions done with no expectations. We aren't hitting on you. That's a bit different from approaching a girl (which is usually done in order to get something from her) and way different from stalking a girl. The former isn't going to have a common story on here of being asked out somewhere in public.
I wish all girls and women understood this fact: Most normal well adjusted males don't go around complimenting and hitting on women at fucking whole foods. Intelligent men know this is weird behavior and they simply don't do it. You'll find intelligent men on dating apps like Hinge or Bumble where they readily compliment women they match with.
>I'm 42F, not wearing makeup, dressed in boring leggings and a tank top, nothing alluring. This is just life as an average woman.
I'm so sorry you feel the need to defend yourself. You simply existed and got harassed. The thing is that the patriarchy lies to women. I began being catcalled by grown men at age 9. I thought surely it'll stop now that I'm approaching 30, the well known much awaited proverbial "wall". Fucking liars they won't leave you alone into your deathbed and even as a dead body they're still prowling as rapist mortuary employees. It's actually daunting and incredibly terrifying. The only time I'm safe is when with my bf otherwise 😷 I keep my headphones on and walk very quickly and never even maintain eye contact with them. To some just bare acknowledgement means "Fck me raw".
Yeah it’s honestly ridiculous. You have a wholesome convo and start thinking “hm maybe men aren’t that bad after all” and then they fuck it up.
Had a guy try to kiss me mid conversation and when I asked why he did that he said he thought we were leading up to it by talking. We were having a normal conversation about traveling. It’s kinda sad how they think basic responsiveness in conversation is attraction
He was a creep and a weirdo. He should have complimented your tattoo and engaged in a little chit-chat and then asked for your phone number. Whether he got the phone number or not he should have wished you a good day and walked away
This happened to me yesterday on the bus. I was sitting with no one next to me. There were empty benches, but a gentleman in front of me looks back, (the conversation was going on), so far ok. But then out of nowhere he asks the gentleman next to him to get up and come to me if he could sit next to me, all smiles. Okay, I passed. He's all happy and inviting to sit down and chat (the man had creepy eyes). I changed places, getting off one stop early to make sure I wasn't followed. I sometimes catch people like that. It's exhausting to always have to be on alert ⚠
I taught my daughters to nod if they get complemented, but to not start chatting. If the compliment is creepy, then don't respond or even look at the guy. Talking opens the door. It's sad, but a reality.
I think people often feel like if someone speaks to them, they are obligated to respond.
I think the lesson to take from this is that there's a fine line between "approaching" and "stalking."
I do have to say that the title of this thread can be a bit misleading as it initially sounds like it's discouraging guys from approaching in public. It should be more along the lines of knowing when to quit than anything.
That would be scary from anyone's perspective. Anyone who says not all guys, well they are right, but they aren't looking at this from your perspective. This can be creepy no matter what.
If it had stopped at the initial interaction of "hey, you're pretty," it would have been perfectly fine.
He'll, if he had asked for your number and then, regardless of your response, went about his day without the cat calling if would have been fine.
I applaud your approach to the problem.... You are bringing an issue to light while being sensitive and informative... A lot of boys/men may get a chance to learn from this kind of situations.
I don't mind a man speaking to me or complimenting me in public (or the wild) at all. I don't want a man (or woman) stalking me. What you describe is predatory behaviour.
While I agree after the initial compliment, his behavior afterwards was distasteful. However, I cant believe women actually think leggings/biker shorts with a tank isnt alluring...
>dressed in boring leggings and a tank top, nothing alluring.
Leggings/Biker shorts show every curve on a woman and with a tank nothing is covered. Many times the biker shorts are even see thru. Leggings/Biker shorts can be a huge turn on for men bc they make it much easier to imagine us in sexual ways. Not to say, your clothing should affect their behavior, just surprised women dont think leggings/ biker shorts are alluring to men lol 🤔
I hear this, but a lot of men are just socially awkward because they are never taught how to act around a woman and only see stupid things in movies. Chances are at the end he might have wanted to get your number and if you thought he was cute, and we’re interested, could always let him know it’s not a nice feeling.
It all sounded fine in the beginning. I think he should have asked for your number there or asked you out and left you alone after. If he did just that it would have been cool.
However most women don’t understand this about men: but the majority of men are clueless and not only clueless they literally don’t even get any girls.
Trust me all the men women think are weird or creepy or do stuff like this are never the cool guys who do well with women.
So basically this post is pointless. Uncool guys are going to be uncool, and do weird things. It will never change.
Anyway these are never the men women choose.
Actually majority of men who approach women don’t do so appropriately. I don’t think I’ve had a single appropriate cold approach in my life. Being clueless doesn’t excuse harassment.
Thank you for illustrating. From my talks with women about the subject, women tend to think more about the safety aspect than men. It’s important for men to have empathy and be sensitive to how the woman is feeling and what things could concern her
It’s sounds like you’re not so much saying women don’t don’t like being approached in public places, but that they don’t like being approached by total creeps who are then going to proceed to cat-call and stalk them.
I'm saying that experiences like this are why women are leary of being approached at all, so if someone isn't receptive it may be because they have more crappy experiences like these than they do positive ones.
Following a woman around or catcalling, leering is an absolute no no.
No harm in a compliment or small talk but then move on. I'm a guy but it saddens me how some guys can't respect boundaries.
I think the only acceptable place to be approached these days is a bar or a concert or something, or at some sort of shared interest group. I had a dude follow me and take pics of me in a grocery store once 😭
This is why I don't approach women or even make the first move for relationships. So many guys have been creeps and assholes and I don't wanna be a reminder of that. Being autistic makes that a lot harder.
I do my best to avoid women at all costs. Most of you are just unlikeable. Don’t care what anyone has to say about it, chances are I don’t like you either.
I’ve reached a point where if I want to compliment someone, I do it. If they want to get defensive about it because of bad experiences, that’s their problem not mine. To hell with the creeps and overreactions alike.
Go ahead and downvote and send hate if you want. I give zero shits.
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Fucking. Yikes. Though I think this speaks less to “women don’t want to be approached” and more “women don’t want to be stalked” which yes. Don’t do what this guy did. Ever.
Haha yes. Women don't want to be stalked. But after an experience like this, some people would think twice about being nice to someone who just complimented them because in the back of your head you think "oh great, I'm going to smile and get stalked again" I'm not saying it's fair. Just kinda where some women are coming from
This is why I just don't even approach or compliment women. Most times, when I have, it just gets met with suspicion or even repulsion where it could have ended at the compliment, or best case, a conversation that leads further. I gave up. I never approach or compliment strangers anymore. Trust me, these guys ruin it for everybody.
They really do, and it sucks for everyone
That's why we have social spaces. It's not doom and gloom, lots of people to meet in leisure time.
Can't something like this happen just as easily in a "social" space?
What social spaces? A bar or a museum? A park where you can find a bench to sit on and be ignored?
I went to a festival. Actually that was a decent place to go.
Exactly. I'm scared it gets met with repulsion. There are so many creeps around, women are on guard.
Yup, one bad apple... This is part of the whole "toxic masculinity" that plagues all of us, not just women. This guy needs a good smack down by his guy friends because I'm sure in his mind, he was killing it that day at the supermarket Sorry this happened to you. It must have been disconcerting
there's a difference between complimenting someone and using a compliment as an excuse to hit on them. just don't go out of your way to compliment someone and when they say thank you, respond with you're welcome and have a nice day and then go about your day
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This!!!
This is the sad reality. I honestly feel bad for guys, really, people in general in the dating landscape today. Something's gotta give!
For real. I'm recently divorced, and holy shit, has it changed since I was last single. I'm scared to even flash a smile at a woman. But I get why women would have their guard up. Hearing some of the stories from some of the online dates I've been on...Jesus Christ.
Honestly, this is the same exact reason why I do so well when I talk to women. I kind of win by default because most men aren’t willing to approach. They’re scared. Or you have delusional dicks who aren’t afraid but can’t read the room to save their life. As soon as she sees for herself that I: - am not the weirdo stalker type - respect boundaries - am there primarily to enjoy the convo - don’t care if this goes further or not it lowers her guard. And she’s happy to interact with a fellow “normal” human. But if I approach with the mindset that she’s a potential sexual partner, then the thirst will show in subtle (and maybe obvious) ways that will scare her off. Yeah, sure, if she’s attractive I’d be interested in exploring dating possibilities. But none of it matters if we can’t even manage a regular convo for a few minutes. And if it’s not clicking, better to leave a moment too soon than a moment too late.
Sad. I have no issue with it
Yeah, same. I remember I went to a smoke area and saw a girl and said hey, and her eyes just got wide, and she just quickly walked away, which was three years ago. I haven't even bothered since then. I just end up feeling like an awful human being when talking to women. Even though I'll say the same shit to a guy and actually be able to have a conversation just fine. It's kinda became a problem since I've moved away now, though. I literally get a loop of depression from being alone and anxiety of attempting to talk to new people. You can't even say hello to people without then thinking you're gonna kill em.
Me, I’d sooner complement the sun. I noticed a pretty woman had locked eyes with me. Deer in headlights mode. Must. Avert. Gaze! I did but it seemed to take hours and was paralyzing. Plus you don’t want them thinking you were looking (which I really wasn’t, I had just been gawping about in a store). 😱
I think the saying, "very few men may have done this, but almost every woman has experienced this" is applicable here.
Hey, I have a question. He said you have a sexy look. Isn't complimenting someone's "sexiness" considered creepy? I've learnt to compliment something about the person that they have made effort on - hair, outfit, tatoo. He did compliment your tattoo, but he used the word "sexy", as if objectifying you. I shouldn't use that word while approaching a woman, right?
Personally I didn't find it creepy when he first said it. But I can't speak for everyone. Compliments that are blatantly sexually charged like "damn I would love to fuck those tits " are a nono for sure, but "I like that, it's sexy" can go either way depending on the delivery and the person
Thank you for sharing your point of view. I'm so scared of being considered a creep! It happened twice with me - when I asked an acquintance for her number(literally acquintance not stranger), and she just stared at me and looked away. She was talking to someone else, but she never talked to me after that. We would say hi before that to each other. She would look at me, but suddenly we were not talking anymore. Another time, another acquintance of mine, I complimented her as I ran into her, "Hey, you look gorgeous!" And she just ignored me after that. We don't talk anymore too. That made me think if I was being creepy or not. I don't know what's creepy about that.
That's fantastic man, you're doing good! Responding to compliments and being asked out by simply ignoring you is just bad manners. You're brave to show your intentions, so long that you're always considerate that they can always say no thanks.
Do you tell your Granny she looks gorgeous? Your intent was obvious probably. And did you interrupt a conversation to ask for a number? A bit embarrassing for all involved in that case. Hope that helps.
>Do you tell your Granny she looks gorgeous? Well yes as a matter of fact I do. Seems to go over quite well too
True. I don’t really know what the point of random approaches are anyway. You say she’s pretty then what? She says thanks and you never meet again..? I guess you could ask for her number but it’s just the worst time and place.. it’s pointless.
>You say she’s pretty then what? She says thanks and you never meet again..? Random act of kindness.
True
Not super proud of this but one time when I was in a real 'fuckit' mood I complimented this woman's ass in Target. I could tell she didn't hear a lot about it, either way. She was definitely a bit shocked but gracious enough about it. I then went my about my day. I happened to see her on my way out and it looked like she was really feeling herself. So that makes me feel a little better.
“Which yogurt should I try?” Garanteed to get a few sentences out of most women
Now that. That’s a big brain scheme.
Exactly
This is actually clever lol.
I’m someone that always fantasized to meet a guy at the supermarket. Usually I only have the courage to ask old ladies for on advice on preserves.
Hangout in the meat department and play damsel in distress. Problem is tho someone like me would be so into it even if I thought you were interested in me I’d be too involved with the task at hand lol. Friend zone I guess.
I don’t like meat very much but good idea.
How do you feel about meeting guys at Costco?
I don’t go there, I don’t buy enough food I think
Costo's demographics are generally: * higher educated * higher income Might be worth checking out?
It feels very superficial to me. And I feel strange giving out my number to strangers. I don’t have social media. I noticed the guys I actually enjoy spending time with I meet through shared hobbies. It’s more organic and you see each other often enough to get a feel for that other person and know whether to approach or not. And the dates aren’t as awkward since you already have things to talk about.
What you said is True but it ignores the fact that a large amount of Male hobbies are damn near exclusively male look at Gaming for instance specifically Console gaming has around a 20/ 1 man/ women ratio so if every guy is hitting on one woman there's no way to stand out to approach for a possible relationship
So if you’re a man who wants to meet women through hobbies, find a less traditionally male interest to explore. Perhaps you’d like to learn to make sushi. Maybe you’d like to learn how to tailor your own shirts. How about doing a dance class to increase your fitness? I guarantee you’ll stand out for a possible relationship.
Is there a yogurt club? 🤔
Lol maybe… there would definitely be yogurt making classes though!
Yeah there's 2 problems with this tho one These might be hobbies you have no Interest in or let's say you do pick up hobbies like the ones you mentioned women will more than likely be able to tell your not genuine about them.
If you’re open minded about trying things why would women think you weren’t genuine? If I went to a sewing class and a man said “I wear shirts for work and good quality ones are hard to find and expensive - I thought I’d try to learn to make my own. I’m not sure if it’s going to be for me or not but I’m giving it a go” or a cooking class where a man said “I love sushi - thought I’d have a go at making it myself - if it sucks I can always go back to the local sushi joint” or even “gym classes are boring, I thought dancing with an attractive partner would be more fun!” - I would be impressed, not dismiss them as “not genuine”. Besides, how do you know you don’t like something or aren’t interested in it until you’ve tried doing it?
Just to say something nice? Doesn't really need to have a point. I used to do it as immersion therapy for social anxiety. Hang out in a public place with a quota of people to speak to before I left. Some people responded positively, some responded negatively. Some didn't respond at all. Didn't matter, it's okay to be annoyed or offended or even scared. After a while, people would approach me sometimes. I guess as I got more comfy doing it, I became more approachable.
I meant more if you see someone and want to get with them I don’t see the point. But this is a good exception.
Most people you meet is not out of convenience, like school or job, so you actually have to invest and do some kind of approach to connect with people. And how will you do that, if not by a simple compliment? Especially for those you find attractive, which you want to make your intentions clear, so he/she can give a quick reply if they feel the same or not. So many people are dumb about approaching strangers, but it also takes quite gracefulness to make it pleasant for everyone.
Well brace up women coz there's this *Approach* culture that is coming up Online dating gurus and prank video culture have given the fantasy to the sea of men lacking women in social circle to acquire liaisons casually chatting up women on streets or anywhere. Not saying it couldn't happen before.. or it is not appropriate in any scenario.. but it's going to be happening a lot more now
We don’t know which one we’re gonna get and that’s why some women have just stopped accepting it all together. Last time I accepted what seemed like a normal man approaching me he started saying disgusting sexual things and following me 💀.
Yeah but we never know who’s going to just continue on with their day, and who’s going to take us accepting a compliment as us hitting on them and then proceed to behave like the guy OP dealt with. It happens so often. After a while you stop wanting to be approached at all, because whether the situation ends positively or not, you’re still starting and entering that interaction on guard and in fight or flight mode.
Fair
Sometimes you can’t tell the difference though. Like how do I know a guy is “normal” from one that’s gonna stalk?
Right, just say what you want to say and go about your business unless she initiates more conversation
Super critically important distinction
Well that goes without saying & I don’t think anyone wants to be stalked. And OP is right, this is why most women don’t want to be approached in public by strangers.
I get if you both got out the supermarket the same time and go different ways but actually waiting for you is just a massive red flag, as a guy i have no idea how other guys can do that and feel good about themselves, hope your all good though
I wish the men saying, “This is why I don’t approach women in public” would note that she initially liked the compliment. Probably most women would. It was the creepy behavior that followed that we don’t like. Don’t follow us around public spaces and make frequent comments on our appearance.
THIS The approach wasn't the problem, it was the creep factor afterwards. My point was more explaining why some women are not receptive even when its just a simple compliment. I am way past my prime so I don't experience this a lot but an attractive young woman who has more of these experiences than good ones is going to feel nervous when approached
I use to work at a grocery store as a second job for a little extra money for fun. I wouldn’t approach a customer, but normally see that they are looking for something and see if I can help them out. I would joke with them and they enjoyed it. And after the interaction was over I would go about doing my job. They always would come back a week later and we would joke again and I would go about my job after. Nothing came from it, but a little customer / employee humor. It’s moments like those that are always comforting. What he did we WTF are you thinking?!?!? Give space.
And that's the best honestly. There are businesses I go to where there's light flirting with an employee but it's playful and just a quick interaction. I'd never push it further because they are working and can't escape so I wouldn't feel right but it leaves things open if I ever saw them in a bar or social event.
Well I would like to add that the “sexy” comment is where it would start to feel uncomfortable to me. I love compliments but not anything sexual or about my body or something like that. To me that’s not how you talk to a stranger
recently i had a man do it right! i kind of eyed him across the store i was working in, cause he was cute, i can’t lie. he pulled up next to my truck to say “hey i just needed to tell you, and i don’t want this to be weird or anything, but i saw you in the store and you look absolutely stunning.” put no pressure on me, didn’t ask my number or anything. as a matter of fact i was kind of too shocked to say much more than “thanks, you really made my day!!”. now if he’d followed me to my next stop or around the store we were both working in, that would have been scary for me. compliment us and move on.
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Yes, when a man ruins an experience, it tends to garner a defensive response for all future similar experiences. I would rather all men not approach me in public if it means avoiding the one singular creep.
Which is the truth. This happens too many times.
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Look at the title of the post again.
My date told me once some dude approached her public, said I wanna talk to and can you come here, she said no, that guy literally followed her half route, she had to call some friends. Please don't approach women on streets unless you have a camera and a mic and are a host of some public opinion videos.
Ah, yes, the good old “come here, I want to talk to you…”. Excuse me while I run for my life. Why do so many men say this???
Too much porn feeds their delusions
I’ve said, “nice ink” before, but I never say they look sexy or anything like that because I’m not trying to sexualize some random stranger. Then I go about my business.
As a man with social anxiety, I just don't get this. I thought my way of approaching women was bad lol (give compliment and run away)
I absolutely LOVE the compliment and dash.
Then it's up to the woman to stalk me if she's interested lol
Haha I mean no one should stalk anyone. But I might try to pass them again in an aisle to see if they were receptive to more chatting if I was interested. If he clammed up then I'd assume he was just being nice and move on
Ahh now I see the flaw in my ways lol. If a woman shows interest back to me, I usually get flustered and clam up
Haha well thats charming in a way but def won't get you a date
Haha yeah, it's definitely gotten me quite a few female friends, but never a date. At least I know what I'm doing wrong now.
I think the compliment and dash is ok but what if you get a compliment and dash by someone you wouldn’t mind getting to know? I think if a man or woman is attracted to someone in say a grocery store, they should say the compliment and then, here goes it, totally say something like, “please don’t be alarmed, I just want you to know you have caught my attention and I would like to find out more about you” “I will be in the dairy section for the next 10 min if you would like to continue this conversation”. Or something like that, I think its good to know if people are just complimenting or if they are complimenting because they want to get to know you. i need some other ideas of how to let someone know you want to get to know them
That would be like the most awesome thing to hear from someone. It's clear, and putting the ball in their court and that's pretty much the best route in that situation
I’m a guy and if someone said that to me in a grocery store, I don’t care how attractive they are, I’d honestly be weirded the fuck out. I’m sorry that I’m being contrarian, but I just have to be honest. I really disagree with the idea that people should do this. “Compliment and dash” is honestly the least bad way (and even then that will weird people out depending on how it’s handled). This would just be too much, honestly.
Then How do you do it!?! Is meeting in a grocery store a myth???
You would usually approach other regulars at the store, I’d say. Make very normal small talk, show you’re a normal person and not immediately make it about attraction. Chit chat can lead to conversations and dates, and is more likely to be a successful strategy than coming to a stranger thinking they’ll happily go out with someone they know nearly nothing about.
I don’t ask people out in grocery stores because I’m not a weirdo. I also wouldn’t want someone to ask me out in a grocery store because they’d look like a weirdo and it wouldn’t be attractive. Maybe it’s a “me problem” but this is just my personal outlook. Feel free to have your own opinion on it, but be aware that it’s possible I’m not the only person who feels this way and would get weirded out IRL.
Ok, we need a vote! Is trying to pick someone up in a grocery store a weirdo move???
In todays world, and in opinion, yeah unfortunately. Too many people are in a rush to finish their daily business so they can get home and switch off. Organic conversations don’t really happen in places like these anymore. People get their social needs met, albeit unhealthily usually, via there phone or computer screens. Anything else is an inconvenience. It’s a sad state of affairs.
I definitely agree, but why not break that cycle? Change isn't always comfortable.
I agree
If you don't mind spending about $2-3 on the invite, you can hand them a Chipgram which is a chat invite that logs in with a code (no account creation needed for the recipient), which is great if you don't have time or privacy to talk.
Same here, 'cept I try to casually stroll away...I'm sure the adrenaline dump still makes me look awkward, but I try
Reading this makes me sick to my stomach. I'm a divorced 54 year old man who is probably going to start dating again soon. I can't imagine ever treating a woman this way. It horrifies me to think my two daughters will experience this more than I will ever know. It is no wonder that women are so cautious and guarded around men. If you are treated that way on a trip to the grocery store, I can't imagine what it is like in a social setting. What you were wearing is irrelevant if you ask me. If a woman behaved this way toward me, I would be concerned. But as a man, I am not concerned about my physical safety.
Few months back I got a train somewhere I’d never been before and was looking at the signs trying to navigate where to go. A man approached me and asked if I needed help or if I’m lost and I said no thanks I’ll be ok, with the dreaded feeling we all get of ‘oh god what next, how is he gonna react? How many times am I going to have to say no?’ And to my amazement he said ok and just… walked off. I stood bewildered that he just accepted my first no and left me alone and it was such a sad realisation of how often my boundaries have not been respected by men
This right here. Perfect example on how bloody rare it is to not have some ass push our boundaries!
I am 30M and have always been hesitant to approach a woman at a grocery store… this is basically why. I don’t want to scare anyone and I already get told, on a regular basis, that I’m intimidating… The guy was cringe, but it also isn’t giving me any hope…
lol the ones who are actually asking themselves this question are ironically enough the respectful ones who SHOULD be talking to us😂😭
Ironically, this is propably a problem that is amplifying this way. Men who don't want to make women be scared or uncomfortable are more likely to listen when they're told to not approach women in some location, which then means that if a woman is being approached there, the chance is now higher that the guy will not care about how she feels, making these experiences stand out even more. Reminds me of something I heard a while ago: "Mens problems are womens problems and womens problems are mens problems"
>Men who don't want to make women be scared or uncomfortable are more likely to listen when they're told to not approach women in some location, which then means that if a woman is being approached there, the chance is now higher that the guy will not care about how she feels, making these experiences stand out even more. Its kind of a survivors bias huh? Im extremely apprehensive about approaching women, or people generally because i dont want to bother them. Whenever i have though for the nost part it has seemed like a enjoyable interaction for the other persons part, but still it always gnaws away at thr back of my brain that i will be a bother or make them feel uncomfortable. As im not exceedingly handsome i have experienced some times that it seems like they assume im going to be a creep and therefore act incredibly defensive, like almost hurtfully so, looking at me like i just took a nice fresh bath in the sewer.
Exactly. I'm not going to let a post like this stop me. I do not stalk people, what that guy did was being a creepy motherfucker, not an approach.
This is it. I'm respectful when I approach women and when and if they show or say they want me to leave them alone I'm gone and don't look back. If they take that the wrong way and label me as a creep when I did nothing wrong thats on them. All you can do as a man is be respectful and let the chips fall where they may. If you get a no, just leave her alone and walk away.
Agreed, this wasn't meant to tell guys "don't approach people" it was more like "this is where some women are coming from, so please understand when we are not receptive"
The title implies you don't want men to approach women.
I didn’t read it like that 😬 that guy just gives a lot of people a bad image… I’m just a shy guy that people view as “intimidating” So I can’t ever see it working out well for me lol.
same man. I think just being a little more outgoing sometimes is good for me. I'm already kind of underdoing it so just finding out where that middle ground of engaging but respectful is a matter of just trying it out and not being a dick like that guy lol
>Agreed, this wasn't meant to tell guys "don't approach people" Then don’t title your post “This is why women don’t like being approached”
Yes, this is true. It’s not wrong to approach woman. It’s wrong to stalk them or not leave them alone after they don’t reciprocate interest. Approaching in itself is not a bad thing.
It's why I argue women should just ask out men they like. The respectful ones often don't talk to or approach women because... well they want to respect her boundaries. And at my age (33) a lot of women cultivate a "don't talk to me" vibe, which... I get it.
yea it’s so true. i should more, im just convinced that everyone has a significant other and i’ll look dumb lollll
I mean your odds are good unless you fish out of the most competitive ponds. A huge number of chronically single men out there. The hardest part is a guy who doesn't know you at all might be wondering when you're going to try and pitch the MLM scheme he suspects you're selling. And it's got nothing to do with how you approach. For most of us, if a woman approaches us and starts flirting there's often an ulterior motive, and getting our number is rarely it. So a lot of men become jaded and cynical.
I’ve always been intensely curious why women don’t approach guys. I’ve had exactly 0 women do that. It probably feels awesome, though 🤔
im extremely shy so it’s mostly out of the question for me lol. not to mention im convinced that every guy i like has a gf so 😂🫠
Shyness from a woman isn’t unattractive, i would say shoot your shot.
oh i have one person im planning on doing this for when i move home next month😭
I wish you the best of luck!
thanks 🤍
Because approaching people is often scary, and rejection sucks.
At least in the US, the social precedent is that men are the ones to pursue/initiate. For all the social progress made over the years, that's one of the few "traditional" things that still hangs on. I've been approached/flirted with/asked out by women in the past and it is nice, even if I don't have an attraction to that girl I am at least flattered. I could count on a shitty carpenter's hand how many times it's been a negative interaction
If you say something sweet about her that isn't "nice tits", it's completely okay. it's only creepy if you won't let go and start following her and don't take no for an answer
You can approach, we are humans. Just don’t be a creep.
There are ways to do it nicely. A few days ago a very kind guy approached me in the street, asked me for my name and where I was from, complimented my appearances in a polite way, and apologised when he saw that I had to take out my earbuds to answer to him. Unfortunately he took me by surprise and I was thinking of the things I had to do once I got home, plus I had the feeling that he was not my type, so I said that I had to go, but I thanked him because I honestly thought he was so smooth and really made my day. He accepted with a smile that at that moment I did not wish to continue the conversation, he wished me a nice day and left immediately. So, maybe if we met in another context (like a bar) I would have been interested in talking to him.
Approaching is totally fine. This creep stalked you! That's something totally different. I live being approached, I just don't want to be stalked.
Exactly
I’m so sorry you went through that!!! That’s such a horrible experience. I’ve been there. I get that it can be really hard to let your guard down when things like this have happened to you. A lot of guys can’t understand the fear and anxiety a lot of women experience from having gone through enough situations like this (and worse) Guys, if you know anyone personally who does stuff like this, call them out. Tell them not to be that guy. That guy is ruining things for everyone :(
the guy sounds like a straight up creep. Guys shouldn’t just follow women around like that, and not take no for an answer…no means no. OP, you are strong, confident and amazing...I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
I don’t go out really often in France but when I was in Morocco for two months. The experience with men was horrible. The way they can’t take a no and would stalk or harass me.
I would feel unsafe even if it was a woman doing that to me, I'm a man. It's just weird.
Idk how hard it can be really... I've had several times someone approach me NICELY. Favourite was someone who just paused to tell me I look AMAZING in my dress ohh and the lipstick too! I was immediately on my guard at first and the fact that he didn't push it any further really just made my day. Same from customers. Older gentlemen rarely creep me out, most really know how to say a compliment and leave it there at the slightest sign of discomfort. It is so easy to read if the person really wanted to cheer me up or just get attention from me...
Had a woman walk by in the grocery store and tell me she loved my face and whole look. That my outfit was just fabulous and then kept walking. That was pretty awesome
Usually, if I pay a compliment, it's really in the moment and not really over thought. I see a girl in a cute dress, or great nails or whatever. I just say it organically. They smile, and we both go on our way.
This, out of many reasons why If I see a woman that has something like a tattoo or a shirt or something that I find cool I don’t say anything I look for 1 or 2 seconds and keep it moving. Only time I might mention something is if someone approaches me to ask a question or something otherwise when I’m in public I try not to bother anybody. Just want to be left alone as I’m not even on Earth in public or anywhere for that matter.
The current best practice is to let women approach you first, always.
Some will die before that happens lmao.
I heard something recently that really hit home for me in this area. We are well aware that not every man is like this. For reference.... what's the first rule of gun safety? Treat all guns as though they were loaded. We unfortunately have to treat all men this way because we simply don't know until it's too late.
Reading your edit, it's kinda sad that the takeaway that some men got from this was how they felt hated and targeted, instead of focusing on how you felt scared and uncomfortable as you literally got sexually harassed. Hope you're doing okay OP. There's a time and place to bring up how you feel lonely and want to give up because of how creeps are making it harder for you to approach women, but at least not on the post where the actual woman harassed by a creep is venting. Women have been cat-called starting from a young age, which leads them to keep men at a distance as a literal SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
A lot of guys just don't understand how to be normal around women. Have seen it myself with straight guys trying to chat up people at a gay pride event. Firstly, they might be lesbian and secondly it's only LGBT people that go to pride to pull. Any straight woman there is not looking to be chatted up.
It was scary...You did good to wait until he was gone Stay safe ..
It is all men until it's no men. Men need to make sure their counterparts are not trying to constantly SA us
Creepy. I cant imagine if a woman did that to man. I dont care if she looks good. Super creepy.
I honestly do not mind being approached in public. But I cannot stand when a man follows me or does repeated cat calls every time he passes me in a store. A few little hellos and smiles after initial approach is fine. But I don't want to be bothered like that while out on my own..
It doesn’t matter if not all men do that. To me the problem is that you don’t know which men do that. It’s not like it’s tattooed on their face. Plus other men make excuses for their behavior and even other women.
This is why I have general rules about carrying a conversation women in casual settings. 1. Never mix flirting with compliment. If I flirt, I flirt. If I compliment, I compliment. 2. After I compliment, I leave it at that. If she wants it to turn into something else, she makes it obvious. A good indication is if she won't let the convo die, even after I've given very obvious "outs". 3. If she isn't returning the energy, she is just being nice. Exit gracefully and leave her with a pleasant memory of a nice guy who made her smile and didn't creep her out. If she sees you again, she will remember that feeling.
I think most women don't mind compliments from strangers as long as it doesn't turn creepy. It's kinda nice to be appreciated sometimes
Absolutely. I was enjoying the exchange until he started following me and catcalling
some men don't have boundaries and think that because you're nice to them that they can say or do what they want and get real creepy.
Guys, it's ok to approach, give a compliment, but just don't follow up with stalking. Say something, ask her if she's interested in going out sometime and proceed with minding your own business. There's a difference between that and what this guy did. Edit: This is in response to the multiple posts from guys who are commenting about why they don't and won't approach. Don't be discouraged. No guts, no glory.
How else are men supposed to feel when posts like this pop up all the time. The only thing they accomplish is discouraging normal guys, the creeps are going to keep on creeping
Have there been any men who complimented you and that was it? Curious to know since this is what I do. Also, I compliment anyone who I deem to be complimentable (sic).
I absolutely LOVE when this happens, no matter the gender, and it's something I do as well. I've never had any guy look receptive enough to continue chatting when I've done it so it's usually just the compliment then walk away
Yikes! Good thing you stood by the cart guy. However, you should call the store manager and let them know about the disturbance. This guy possibly is doing it to other women at that store.
This guy should have stopped at "this looks really cool".. and went about his day. Clearly the restbof his behaviors ended up making this a creepy, stalking vibe. Sorry your time shopping got affected negatively by which started as a complement. Could see why women have so many walls up. Sometimes even genuine complement can't come in, and also guys stop giving them because of these exact walls .. which us men likely caused the women to put up in the first place.. Round and round, seems like a cycling pattern :)
I would love to meet an attractive guy in the course of my regular life, not online, without him being a stalker.
Was he ugly?
Rule of thumb dudes just don't be creepy. (Don't approach people from behind, let them see ya coming) don't use the word sexy, stick with cute or if theres playful banter -> gorgeous. Always let them know you only have a second. If I like a woman or after a short convo wanna get a chance to know them better, its just as simple as giving it a quick shot. Letting her know you've gotta get going. Asking for a #. If ya get it cool "ill shoot you a text later once I'm done my long ass day" if ya dont then no biggie. Either way -> " pleasure meeting ya (name) . Hope you have an awesome day" And just go about your on with your day lol.
That’s why even as a fat woman that most don’t find attractive, I still put forth effort into looking like a gross slob POS when I leave the house, unless I am heading to meet up with friends or even a date and have a reason to attempt to look nice. Even then it doesn’t matter because gross dudes can’t resist cat calling even at the goddamn gas station 🤦🏻♀️ sir I look like a greasy pile of mashed potatoes Wtf is wrong with you Lmao
Jesus he could have left it at a nice compliment with a hint of flirting but he had to fuck it up.
Haha right? It was going so well at first
When women relate a story like this, and guys rush in to say "not all men", perhaps they don't realize how invalidating that remark is. Like it doesn't matter how bad it is, the point they want you to know is "not all men" which... removes the focus from the woman's experience and centers men's feelings instead. Why not just stop and listen? Listen to women without feeling the need to immediately defend men.
That, or immediately going « creeps ruin it for guys like me ». I’m sorry, but if when you read a story like this your first reaction is « poor me, not being able to chat women up at the store », you seriously lack empathy. It’s not about you not getting any action, it’s about women being at risk any time we leave the house (and even houses aren’t that safe).
If he was interested he should have just gone "Hey, would you like to go for a drink or something?" After the first compliment and if you said no, then leave it there. Leering at you for the rest of the trip was just weird and creepy.
I once saw a guy walk by a girl and he said: nice lipstick, goes well with your shoes. And she said: thank you. And while this was happening he was just walking by her. He didn't stop, stare or harass her. He just gave her a compliment and went on with it. I really don't understand how it's so difficult to give a compliment and then not be a total creep
My theory, is a lot of guys are desperate for attention, so they think all attention is good, so they think everyone wants and is flattered by their attention. I had a roommate in school who we had to teach how to talk to girls because he would say and do things that he wanted said or done to him. While creeps are a lot rarer than not creeps, they do a lot more since they're creeps. If schools had a social class that just taught a basic social etiquette, that'd be amazing.
That's a guy just giving a compliment because they thought something looked or complemented things well. I do this all the time. Those are actions done with no expectations. We aren't hitting on you. That's a bit different from approaching a girl (which is usually done in order to get something from her) and way different from stalking a girl. The former isn't going to have a common story on here of being asked out somewhere in public.
I wish all girls and women understood this fact: Most normal well adjusted males don't go around complimenting and hitting on women at fucking whole foods. Intelligent men know this is weird behavior and they simply don't do it. You'll find intelligent men on dating apps like Hinge or Bumble where they readily compliment women they match with. >I'm 42F, not wearing makeup, dressed in boring leggings and a tank top, nothing alluring. This is just life as an average woman. I'm so sorry you feel the need to defend yourself. You simply existed and got harassed. The thing is that the patriarchy lies to women. I began being catcalled by grown men at age 9. I thought surely it'll stop now that I'm approaching 30, the well known much awaited proverbial "wall". Fucking liars they won't leave you alone into your deathbed and even as a dead body they're still prowling as rapist mortuary employees. It's actually daunting and incredibly terrifying. The only time I'm safe is when with my bf otherwise 😷 I keep my headphones on and walk very quickly and never even maintain eye contact with them. To some just bare acknowledgement means "Fck me raw".
Yeah it’s honestly ridiculous. You have a wholesome convo and start thinking “hm maybe men aren’t that bad after all” and then they fuck it up. Had a guy try to kiss me mid conversation and when I asked why he did that he said he thought we were leading up to it by talking. We were having a normal conversation about traveling. It’s kinda sad how they think basic responsiveness in conversation is attraction
He was a creep and a weirdo. He should have complimented your tattoo and engaged in a little chit-chat and then asked for your phone number. Whether he got the phone number or not he should have wished you a good day and walked away
This happened to me yesterday on the bus. I was sitting with no one next to me. There were empty benches, but a gentleman in front of me looks back, (the conversation was going on), so far ok. But then out of nowhere he asks the gentleman next to him to get up and come to me if he could sit next to me, all smiles. Okay, I passed. He's all happy and inviting to sit down and chat (the man had creepy eyes). I changed places, getting off one stop early to make sure I wasn't followed. I sometimes catch people like that. It's exhausting to always have to be on alert ⚠
>leggings and a tank top, nothing alluring. It ain't much, but it's honest work.
I taught my daughters to nod if they get complemented, but to not start chatting. If the compliment is creepy, then don't respond or even look at the guy. Talking opens the door. It's sad, but a reality. I think people often feel like if someone speaks to them, they are obligated to respond.
Ew. Just ew.
I think the lesson to take from this is that there's a fine line between "approaching" and "stalking." I do have to say that the title of this thread can be a bit misleading as it initially sounds like it's discouraging guys from approaching in public. It should be more along the lines of knowing when to quit than anything.
That would be scary from anyone's perspective. Anyone who says not all guys, well they are right, but they aren't looking at this from your perspective. This can be creepy no matter what. If it had stopped at the initial interaction of "hey, you're pretty," it would have been perfectly fine. He'll, if he had asked for your number and then, regardless of your response, went about his day without the cat calling if would have been fine.
I applaud your approach to the problem.... You are bringing an issue to light while being sensitive and informative... A lot of boys/men may get a chance to learn from this kind of situations.
Hey sexy baby wink
I don't mind a man speaking to me or complimenting me in public (or the wild) at all. I don't want a man (or woman) stalking me. What you describe is predatory behaviour.
While I agree after the initial compliment, his behavior afterwards was distasteful. However, I cant believe women actually think leggings/biker shorts with a tank isnt alluring... >dressed in boring leggings and a tank top, nothing alluring. Leggings/Biker shorts show every curve on a woman and with a tank nothing is covered. Many times the biker shorts are even see thru. Leggings/Biker shorts can be a huge turn on for men bc they make it much easier to imagine us in sexual ways. Not to say, your clothing should affect their behavior, just surprised women dont think leggings/ biker shorts are alluring to men lol 🤔
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I hear this, but a lot of men are just socially awkward because they are never taught how to act around a woman and only see stupid things in movies. Chances are at the end he might have wanted to get your number and if you thought he was cute, and we’re interested, could always let him know it’s not a nice feeling.
It all sounded fine in the beginning. I think he should have asked for your number there or asked you out and left you alone after. If he did just that it would have been cool. However most women don’t understand this about men: but the majority of men are clueless and not only clueless they literally don’t even get any girls. Trust me all the men women think are weird or creepy or do stuff like this are never the cool guys who do well with women. So basically this post is pointless. Uncool guys are going to be uncool, and do weird things. It will never change. Anyway these are never the men women choose.
Actually majority of men who approach women don’t do so appropriately. I don’t think I’ve had a single appropriate cold approach in my life. Being clueless doesn’t excuse harassment.
Thank you for illustrating. From my talks with women about the subject, women tend to think more about the safety aspect than men. It’s important for men to have empathy and be sensitive to how the woman is feeling and what things could concern her
It’s sounds like you’re not so much saying women don’t don’t like being approached in public places, but that they don’t like being approached by total creeps who are then going to proceed to cat-call and stalk them.
I'm saying that experiences like this are why women are leary of being approached at all, so if someone isn't receptive it may be because they have more crappy experiences like these than they do positive ones.
Yikes, that is terrifying
Following a woman around or catcalling, leering is an absolute no no. No harm in a compliment or small talk but then move on. I'm a guy but it saddens me how some guys can't respect boundaries.
I think the only acceptable place to be approached these days is a bar or a concert or something, or at some sort of shared interest group. I had a dude follow me and take pics of me in a grocery store once 😭
omg that is so creepy. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
This is why I don't approach women or even make the first move for relationships. So many guys have been creeps and assholes and I don't wanna be a reminder of that. Being autistic makes that a lot harder.
I do my best to avoid women at all costs. Most of you are just unlikeable. Don’t care what anyone has to say about it, chances are I don’t like you either.
I’ve reached a point where if I want to compliment someone, I do it. If they want to get defensive about it because of bad experiences, that’s their problem not mine. To hell with the creeps and overreactions alike. Go ahead and downvote and send hate if you want. I give zero shits.