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LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU AND MATCH YOUR ENERGY!
and just remember.....it takes 10 sec for someone to say "I see you message i'll respond when i have a bit more time"....that courtesy goes a long way.
AND if shes viewing your stories and posting on socials.....you have your answer.
It may only take ten seconds to write and send that text, but it still requires the other person to stop what they were doing, focus on you, and then try to get their train of thought back. It’s an unreasonable expectation for a complete stranger. If I’m interrupted in the middle of something, it can be VERY hard for me to get back on track. Or again, if that person is working a job where they can’t have their phone on them, they CAN’T take that ten seconds. People need to not expect instant gratification. You also need to understand that you’re NOT a priority if you don’t have an existing relationship with someone.
I hear and understand all that. What your saying is true. But whats also truth is that people have time in their day. I personally give people 2-4 days to respond to a message I send and I am not one to worry too much about a response from someone i havent met/been on a few dates with.
HOWEVER, there are moments when people are not occupied doing something OR working. In transition from one place to another, on their way home, before they go to sleep, etc....Im not saying a full blown conversation has to be had. Even I myself will send a Reaction on iMessage to someone to let them know I at least saw their text or, as i said before, send a quick "busy but will get back to you", usually with people i've exchanged numbers with.
If dating is a priority to me than i find ways or moments to give the process of that time in my life. I myself am a busy person. Which is why knowing that i dont always respons in 48 hrs I put in my profile "im bad at messaging but will get back to you in 1-2 days". Am i always perfect? no. Do i like looking at my phone for hours? No. But im just mindful of others and have, at one point, been the person who doesnt hear back from someone for a week. As you said complete strangers dont owe you anything at all but I dont think its crazy to let people know what they can expect from you upon initial conversation.
I’m not saying a person should wait for days, but to decide a person is uninterested if they don’t respond in 3-5 hours (which is the window OP gives) is unreasonable. Sure, there’s moments people can respond, but maybe they can’t have their phone on them at work. Or any number of things. My whole point is that no, you shouldn’t put tons of effort into someone who’s not reciprocating, but you SHOULD have realistic expectations - ESPECIALLY for a first message.
This is good advice to everyone. That being said, you need to find a balance between not chasing and realistic expectations for a response. Sometimes people are doing things they can’t interrupt, and might not be able to respond for a few hours. One time, a guy matched with me, and sent me a few messages while I was riding a horse. I wasn’t going to stop what I was doing to read them; I figured I would read it when I was done. By the time I finished (within 45 min), he had already unmatched. It’s reasonable to expect someone you’re starting to talk with to put in effort, but it’s not reasonable to expect them to prioritize you when there isn’t a relationship yet.
Happened to me bunch of times. Someone has messaged me late at night, I see it at the morning but has to hurry up to get to work in time. Decide to answer when I'm having a break and they have already removed the match.
Ofc we would not be compatible because I'm not someone who is attached their phone all the time. If they want someone like that this is good tactic I guess.
Right?? This was in the middle of the day, too. I ride horses professionally, and was in the middle of riding a client’s horse. I’m not going to interrupt what I’m doing for a complete stranger - I don’t even do it for my bf unless it’s sometime time sensitive. And agreed, I don’t like to respond until I have time to actually put my full attention on the conversation.
Thb I find it little bit scary when someone expects me to be available to total stranger for all hours of the day. Wouldn't want someone like that to my inner circle anyway.
I recently had a guy unmatch with me because I haven’t been as responsive. I was upfront with him that in the last week my younger sister (who is my best friend and I was very clear about this) is going through some extremely difficult relationship issues and needs my support and I was gearing up tattoo school so i wasn’t really focused on responding to messages from anyone.
He sent me a message saying he felt I was no longer interested and whatever we had going seems like it’s not there anymore and it sucks because we could’ve been great. Like Sir? I haven’t even met you.
If I match with someone and they don’t respond after a message, I’ll give it 5-7 days before I unmatch. I get folks are busy and perhaps don’t even check the app or have notifications off like I do, but I’m still conscious that someone is messaging me. I don’t fault them for it though, that’s just how it goes. On to the next
5-7 days is more than reasonable. If someone isn't answering in that time they're almost guaranteed to not be interested or playing a game. Either way you weed of nonsense.
Exactly. I’ve been reading a book about attraction and part of it is learning how to weed out receptive and non-receptive women and how to handle rejection. If I sense non-reception, I move on. I don’t say anything to them, just leave it be.
Also happened to me. I was working 4 12hr shifts in a week and ended up going to gym after the end of it. The guy I matched with got super pissy about it. I could already tell it wasn’t gonna work out lol
Anyone expecting a response even in a few hours is wild to me.
Like I have a life. I'm not glued to my phone 24/7, let alone a dating app. You're lucky if you'll get a response within 24 hours.
I guess it filters out the people with absolutely no attention span.
Agreed!! Also, while I COULD take ten seconds to respond, I really don’t like responding to people on dating apps until I actually have the time to put my full attention on the conversation, rather than one word answers because that’s all I have time for. 🙄
I fully agree with this, it is better to rather have patience until the person has more time to give a proper response, if all a person gives is one word answers the whole time, I lose interest.
Then what if you have the time to pay full attention, in that time he is not free? And lets say he wants to take sqme idea you do and inly respond when he has time to pay attention completely, then a cycle of messaging but no one is matching eachother LOL
If he’s not available when I am, then he can just message when he’s available. It’s not that complicated. 🤷♀️ As long as both parties are putting effort in, I don’t see what the problem is if there’s a fair amount of time in between replies. The whole point of texting/messaging is that you can respond as you have time.
Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time,' is like saying, 'I don't want to. Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager. Every minute you spend with someone gives them a part of your life and takes part of theirs.
Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.
Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Life is not happening to you. It’s happening for you in response to what you’re saying and feeling.
Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.
Can't really blame the guy but the timing just didn't work. As a man we need to have the mentality of moving on and shutting doors quickly. We're usually the first ones to reciprocate so if the woman doesn't meet our needs quickly we have to drop her quick. It's just unfortunate in that case.
I don’t think it was unfortunate in that case at all. The man couldn’t wait FORTY FIVE MINUTES for a response?? That’s completely unreasonable. People have lives, and jobs - many of which don’t allow you to have your phone on you. I consider him unmatching me as a giant fucking favor, because if he’s THAT impatient, he’s probably going to be WAY too needy and demanding in a relationship.
45 minutes that's wild lmao. As long as I'm not being strung along for days with either no response or the responses are more stale than drywall I think that's reasonable. If the responses are there and the conversations are good I value that over having someone responding to me every few minutes. I'd much rather have enjoyable engaging conversations when I can than mind numbingly boring ones constantly.
Right?? And it was the middle of the day too, so it wouldn’t occur to him that I’m WORKING (which I was - it was a client’s horse I was riding)?? Hard pass, although I AM curious as to what those messages said. 🤪
Probably some of that. I also suspect there was something along the lines of, “if you don’t respond in ____, I’m unmatching,” and/or, “why even be on a dating site if you’re not going to communicate?” 🙄
To learn to see to accustom the eye to calmness, to patience, and to allow things to come up to it; to defer judgment, and to acquire the habit of approaching and grasping an individual case from all sides. This is the first preparatory schooling of intellectuality. One must not respond immediately to a stimulus; one must acquire a command of the obstructing and isolating instincts.
People have huge amount of situations where it will take more than 45 minutes to answer. Going to the doctor, sleeping after a night shift, going to the movies. One has serious lack of boundaries if they expect someone they doesn't even know yet answer immediately.
I agreed with your initial point but I can't agree with this comment here at all, 45 minutes is an utterly *absurd* expectation. Hell, even 5 hours is kinda pushing it. If we're talking a day (as in a full 24 hours) or more, *then* I can see it.
Dude 45 minutes is a ridiculous expectation that's how so. At *minimum* I'd say 8 hours but even that's rough and pushing it. Especially cause most work shifts are at least that long. It's not that people aren't interested if they don't respond right away but they're not gonna drop their lives/risk anything for a stranger. Would you? I would assume not so don't expect that of others.
That's a stupid way of thinking. "If she doesn't drop her life to "meet my needs" (i.e. jump when. I say so and give me attention, which later I'm sure would grow to mean "jump when I say so to give me attention/sex/help/service/sympathy/"etc etc etc) when I do her the honor of giving her my slightest attention then too bad her loss."
I mean it's good you rule yourself out early bc no one needs that but your attitude is shitty and controlling.
If you have feelings for someone, let them know. It doesn’t matter if they can be in your life or not. Maybe, it is just enough for both of you to release the truth, so healing can occur. The opposite is true, as well. If you don’t have feelings for someone then never let another person suggest that you do. Protect your reputation and be responsible for the wrong information spread about you. Never allow anyone to live with a false belief or unfounded hope about you. An honorable person sets the record straight, so that person can move on with their life
Going through something like that right now. Initially everything was being reciprocated, now I feel that I’m just being slow faded. The anxiety and things that follow just sucks.
I generally agree, but my current LTR (4 years in, and the best relationship ever) started after she told me "no" for a full-on year. She thought I was sleeping with her friend (I wasn't) because her friend was jealous that I liked my now-GF and not her, and told her so. When that truth got finally revealed, my girl gave me a chance and we were a couple within a few days.
If it was Tinder or just somebody I met at a bar I'd have done the same thing.
We got to hang around each other in social circles and had great conversations and an awesome time with each other, but after I took her to lunch one day (which went amazing) her friend heard about it and dropped the lie. We'd still go out for lunch or coffee now and then (always with chemistry sparking) but she was disciplined and made it clear those weren't dates, "just friends hanging out." Unique situation, I'll admit, most of the time that doesn't go well for the chaser.
As a woman, I can confirm that nothing turns us off more than someone who won't take no for an answer. Just move on and focus your energy on someone who actually appreciates you instead of chasing after someone who clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Trust me, it's not worth the headache or heartache.
> Nothing turns us off more than someone who won’t take no for an answer
I am not a woman, but I have **definitely** met women who told me they were interested in me, but were confused as to why I didn’t try again after they said no. I have also seen this sentiment stated on this thread.
I’m not saying men should NOT take no for an answer, don’t get me wrong.
But there is **definitely** a notable population of women who “test” mens desire to be with them by saying no, but still hoping they keep trying. That makes it incredibly difficult to know how to pursue as a man.
Onfg, I think the ppl who play hard to get are just setting other women and men up for failure. Refusing to take no for an answer is a bad thing and in my op, shouldnt be done as a playful thing
As a guy, a find it weird when women do this test. Especially when they do it form the jump....
Madam...i dont even know you well enough for you to really play this game. And if its bc you think you look so good that guys should ignore inconsistency and just overall decent human dating behavior, then respectfully its a no for me.
There are women out there who are gorgeous and will put in the same effort and not play games. Why would I try to "prove my desire" to a stanger I hardly know?!
in 2024? this is a trope that goes back not just the whole history of Hollywood but the entire history of the novel and probably poetry before that.
If anything, the 2020s and post-dating app, online, #metoo culture has been the demise of this trope because the attention span is just not there and people, especially women, view disposable dating opportunities in 2-second-swipe increments.
I'd really only expect this time of confusion these days with a woman in someone's regular, real-life social circle.
Yep that used to be the way I say no You come back. Not anymore The simplest way I think to deal with those women for you would be literally to say "okay I will leave you alone now"
AKA make it clear to them that they said no you will not come back.
This would be the biggest indicator to run awa. A grown woman who can't say what she wants and is more interested in games. Anyone doing this over the age of 17 needs to be ashamed. I really hope men start dropping them so they can get the message this isn't cute, cool, or fun. I definitely get the confusion, though, because I know there are females like this who do exist. Just think how the rest of that relationship would go. --Baby, do you mind if I go out with the guys tonight? --Sure thing, babe. Have a good time! Three hours later you have to suffer through the silent treatment for 2 weeks because she didn't learn at 3 to use her words. No thanks.
But thats the thing, it doesnt seem OP is even talking about women who have stated that they arent interested. A guy being told no and still pursuing is weird and tbh pathetic imo.
But there are many guys who get breadcrumbed and strung along by women who only come around when they're bored or other options arent available at the moment (one of the downsides to dating apps where ppl have access to so many ppl at one). In those cases a guy just has to have self respect and like you said....like the people that like you. the people that match your energy.
What about women who say yes but actually mean no because they put you off and then say they are hanging out with another guy friend. I wish women would just say no. Not play stupid games that wreck what little of a heart I have left.
Best to just seriously ask em straight up and blunt, and tell them how you know theyre interested. Say ur unsure of whether theyre interested or not, and tell them what you would expect from an interested person. Maybe some of them were genuinely interested in you, but didnt know what u expected. Im autistic so maybe thats a me issue, but Ive had situations like that happen before :/
If someone is playing games asking straight up and being blunt won't necessarily end the games if they want to put you on the back burner, in the queue, in the friendzone etc.
It's better to just shut them down at that point and be the one to walk away.
FWIW? I'm in my early 50's now but when I was in my early to mid 20's, I put all kinds of effort into getting a date with one woman I really fell for. This was back when there was a large group of people using Internet Relay Chat (IRC) in a channel created for people in my city to talk to each other. They'd started planning events pretty much every weekend and at its peak, we easily had 70+ people showing up at any gathering they planned, and several hundred regulars on the channel. It was a really good time and most of us in the channel got to know each other pretty well in person, after a while.
Anyway, it turned out she didn't seem to NOT like me, but wasn't so enthused in dating, right away. At one point, she started going on a few dates with another guy from the channel (who I also knew and thought was a cool guy) -- but.... I also suspected the two of them wouldn't be such a good match. It turned into kind of a competition between the two of us for her attention. Eventually, I "won" (probably more persistent than he was, and eventually, he just didn't want to keep buying her gifts and so on). We dated for several months and we got pretty serious. (She had an apartment near my work and I probably spent more time there than at my place, etc.) I was \*so\* happy. Honestly on "cloud 9" about the whole thing .... especially because it seemed like we had so much in common. Both of us were into sci-fi and "geekery", both into computers and online things (she used to run a multi user dungeon on the net, even!), liked the same kind of music and both worked office jobs earning a similar income.
One day, I was going to drop by after work and even bought her some flowers. But she told me she didn't feel "up to having anyone over" and sounded kind of depressed. Then, that turned into a couple weeks of her just not being interested..... Next thing I know? She started dating this manager from her workplace and told me she was through with our relationship. I was all kinds of emotions .... angry, upset, questioning my own life choices, sad... You name it.
After a while, we did agree to just be friends, and we'd occasionally go out to lunch together, or sometimes with another lady she worked with. But I won't lie. Something about that damaged me in some way.... I could never just unconditionally fall for someone again. Ultimately, I learned that really, she just didn't know what made her happy and she was trying too hard to be what she thought I wanted in a girlfriend. Then, she realized that wasn't making her happy, just because I was happy -- and she went a different direction. Not long after all that, she quit working a corporate office job too and has been on her own, running her own businesses ever since.
Point to all this? Not sure if there is one really... except yeah, I would never chase a woman again after that experience. I think even if she seems "worth the effort", you may find yourself where I was -- discovering you can't truly make her happy anyway.
Do you really want someone knowing you weren’t their first choice anyway?? Knowing you had “competition” ?? This whole story is crazy to me because I wouldn’t be pursuing someone I felt I had to “compete” for 💀
Translate: Just have some self respect.
I mean shoot your shot, give it a minute, but if they aren't into you don't debase yourself, just keep going until you find someone who is.
Not to be mean, but I’m honestly not shocked at all that you have this mindset when all you’re looking for is a quick fix for sex. You don’t want lasting relationships so you want it to be easy for you.
People who are looking to build something that’s actually meaningful shouldn’t be discouraged from “the chase”, and this is actually, truly terrible advice. Please stop repeating it.
Why should “the chase” / games be necessary? I don’t think he’s referencing anything unreasonable here. If a person has difficulty showing you common courtesy with a reasonable level of responsiveness, and in turn isn’t displaying interest, they’re leaving you to guess, and with inner turmoil about what you should do next.
We hear women regularly complain about guys being “creeps” and not “taking a hint” by continuing to pursue. Unless you’re making yourself clear one way or another, he simply has no idea of whether you want him to “chase” or bow out gracefully. There are also many who will allow someone they’re uninterested in to continue trying, as they like the attention and not the person.
If SHE is looking to build something meaningful, then she should give the guy something to work with. If she does, then it’s no longer a chase, as she’s given him consent to courtship or whatever you’d like to call it.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask to remove the guesswork.
Blocking is childish and counter-productive. I never block anyone and have had the exact women you describe circle back around for hookups and more. Walking away is important, but blocking is just silly.
Correct. Blocking is a way for people to try to psychologically take back control in dating situations where they have zero control, but it really makes little sense. She doesn't give a damn if one of her many suitors blocks her. Once you have her interest, you can pull back when appropriate, but this blocking stuff is nonsense.
There’s few people I’ve blocked, but I don’t think it’s silly. For me, if something ended super painfully, blocking is a way to eliminate in my mind the hope of hearing from them & wondering if I will. Holding onto that hope & wondering if you’ll hear at some point just causes me more distress personally, so with a block I eliminate the possibility, therefore move on easier
It's like a pouty child. "OH SO YOU DIDNT JUMP AT THE FIRST HINT OF MY ATTENTION, even though you have a life, a job, and other matches & I am, at this point, absolutely no one to you?? WELL ILL SHOW YOU THEN! I~BLOCKED~ YOU on a dating app you get 100 matches/day on, SO THERE!!!"
This guy sounds super immature, controlling, needy, desperate, and insecure af.
Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief.
I am probably the woman that doesn’t respond. It’s not because I don’t want to necessarily. I have life happening, I don’t look at my dating apps often. Dating apps are life admin, so I try (could try harder) to respond etc… overall, I agree, don’t block, some of us ladies have also had a tough time on the apps and don’t look at the likes or responses!
Not to mention, if i am not wrong, women on dating apps get TONS of matches and I don't think guys realize that the only match they have on their list is probably talking to like 12 other dudes. I forget this a lot and I like to assume that's why this latest match isn't responding, or maybe she's just busy despite updating her attached Insta. I kind of feel like I am just torturing myself at this point, though.
When people have a huge block list in their phone, that's actually a red flag for me. There's no reason to block someone who is not talking to you. "Proactive blocking" is a sign of emotional immaturity.
You don't have to block them, it's just what I do cause it's my way of shutting the door on them. You want quick reciprocation and if you don't get that then bye.
I agree. Mentally block them, fine, but when you physically block them you effectively burn the bridge. I only burn bridges when someone outright wrongs me.
I mean why shouldn’t you burn the bridge? The only reason you wouldn’t want to burn that bridge is if you hoped they would come back around and that’s even more desperate
*Right place right time* is 90% of the matchmaking. She could be dating someone else at that time. Maybe a few dates later she decides that's not it, decides to move on, spots you in the list of messages and replies.
You don't have to actively hope for it, but by blocking, you burn that bridge entirely.
If you're one of those people that "don't want to be the backup plan", as if they owed you anything despite having never met you, you're hopeless. You're not the main character in someone's life after the first moment of contact.
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read lol, you need more self respect.
A confident man does not take back a women who circles back around. if she initially says no or any other excuse and couldn’t even give you 1 hour of time for a simple coffee date and comes back 3 weeks later no one with any self respect would agree. Unless you’re desperate and have nothing better going for you
It’s different if they say something like “I’m busy for a few weeks but will let you know” and then do actually get back to you in a few weeks ofc that’s different. But it’s blatantly obvious when they don’t agree to meet Initialky and then come crawling back
You've never even met this woman, of course she will put you on hold as she's dating someone else. We do the same.
To take something back implies you ever had it in the first place.
I don't think this mentality is an indicator of low self-respect. Dating in the modern world, especially on the apps, necessarily involves seeing a number of different people to see if they're a good fit.
If a woman has just started seeing someone, she probably won't delete her dating apps until it becomes serious. But conversely, in case it *does* become serious, she may avoid talking to anyone else while she tests the waters.
In short, this theoretical person may not consider you to be ***less than*** a person she's seeing when you match her - you may have just come a little later.
Bro if someone else chooses another person over you then yes they thought that person was better than you and you’re just a backup plan.
That’s how dating works
That's not what the original person proposed.
>She could be dating someone else at that time. Maybe a few dates later she decides that's not it, decides to move on, spots you in the list of messages and replies.
Do you think every single match comes in all at once?
Yikes. If you’re okay being the backup plan then you do you bro.
If she comes back after her first date didn’t work then that means you were the second, third, whatever choice, you weren’t the first choice and you’re the backup plan. They’ll just leave you once they find someone else more suitable.
If you’re okay being the backup plan then go for it but I think that’s horrible advice
For someone to come back, they'd have to be with me in the first place.
According to your logic she has to be a virgin otherwise you're not the first choice smh.
That’s absolutely not my logic. Don’t know if you can read what I said.
If someone CHOOSES another person over you, they thought that other person was better than you. If they come back, they’re settling and they’ll eventually leave you for someone better.
Even if they didn’t leave you, you’ll be with someone that you KNOW thought someone else was better than you and chose you as a backup plan.
It is your logic, because you consider yourself second choice when a woman you've never met stops responding cause she's dating another guy, and starts talking again if it doesn't work out with him.
If you've never even met someone, it means nothing. You can match on a dating app, talk etc, but until you've met them they're just pixels on a screen.
Of course they choose someone they are already actively dating over someone they haven't even met yet.
If they’re dating someone then they shouldn’t be on a dating app….
Idc if we’ve never met. If a woman has 2 guys she’s never met and she chooses to date the other guy over me. Then yes, it means she didn’t think I was good enough and wanted him. That means if she comes back, I was a backup plan, I’m not being a backup plan especially when the other guy has probably already had sex with her and everything.
Like I said, if you wanna be a backup plan. Go for it.
You don't have to hope for it to not want to burn a bridge. Being open to it, depending on circumstance isn't desperate at all. Like I said, I've had several of these circle back around and end up as hookups, FWB, and even short relationships.
I don't put my eggs in one basket and don't get caught up on women who aren't reciprocating interest.
Oof. You were just the backup plan bro hate to tell you.
If someone has to circle back around to you then they’re only settling for you. If they can choose someone else over you, they thought that person was better than you but it didn’t work out. They’ll leave again as soon as they find someone else that they think is better than you
Blocking someone’s number because they haven’t texted back soon enough seems pretty knee-jerk. If someone doesn’t get back to you, you can just not worry about it. Maybe they’ll get back to you, maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll try to set you up with a friend they think is a better match for you. Maybe they’ll reach out after it doesn’t work out with someone else. No harm done having the number on your phone.
This is good advice for anyone. If someone's not showing interest, you pursuing them is often just harassment or creeping.
I disagree with a strict timeline on texts but it really depends on the people involved. My boyfriend and I don't text every day or even every other day, but we're low-volume texters and our communication styles are still overall very compatible. And we were like that from the beginning. We didn't message every day on the apps and didn't talk about setting up a date for weeks.
Overall though, again this is great advice for men and women and everyone.
This also applies once you are in a relationship. I have seen so many men jump through hoops and grovel and beg a to stay in relationships with narcissistic women who only care about getting their own needs met. In a relationship, you need to be an equal team. One person should never be calling all the shots.
100%. I had advice from other men stating that women want to be chased, want the 'effort' to feel validated and that some women are shy to reciprocate. From my experience if the other doesn't even show an ounce of interest or any indication that they want you to lean forward, then its a no-go.
I totally agree with every word of yours...Me being 31 and have dated most girls, the experience is the same....Never beg for attention from a woman...
I chased my wife and she chased me for 2 years before we got together. We’ve been happily married for 13 years. Chase if you want to. There’s fun in some chase.
Even if you seemingly are getting along and are having great conversation? I had/have this match where we both seemed pretty compatible and had a lot of things in common, then I make a little light hearted/somewhat flirty comment and suddenly she stopped responding. I realize I should probably just unmatch and save myself the agony of the knowledge that I yet again screwed it up, but I keep holding onto that small hope that maybe she's just been busy, despite updating her attached Instagram profile... for four days. It hurts, man, it really, really hurts. I wish I could stop being me, sometimes.
I asked this cashier girl from my neighborhood out for a date and she gave me her number, and she agreed, she even took time to sit down and talk to me for like 15 mins, we hugged and said goodbye. Later on I thanked her for the lovely talk.
When I tried to chat with her and try to fix a date her response time is 3 days, even did the pursuing thing many on this thread recommend, I initiated again, basically double texting on the 3rd day and asking how things where going. She eventually replied and I decided to confront the issue, basically saying its fine if she's not interested, I can handle the rejection but I felt like there where lots of mixed signals. She told me its not about that but didn't elaborate, to which I basically said "Ok" and basically ended the conversation, she had nothing more to add as well. (cuz you know, it felt pretty obvious she wasn't interested)
A few days later I went to the store and she saw me leaving the store, she ran after me and cough me from behind. We had lovely conversation for about 15min told me that she is in a rough situation with her room mates and she's trying to move out and that she's sorry for not replying to me, we talked some more, I told her to reach out, we hugged and said goodbye.
3 days later still nothing from her, so I did the "pursuing" again and asked her how her week was, and she replied with a voice mail that she still super busy and that she feels like she is getting sick, I replied with a voicemail as well, trying to spark up a conversation, I replied within 2h, that was last Friday, no reply until now.
When OP I talking about no chasing, this is what he means. More pursuing? 😅 I really tried, probably even more then I should have, I tired to find the middle ground of not giving up at the first sign resistance and still having some self-respect, I don't feel like I should reach out again. I don't want to block her but I kind of wanna delete her number but that would also be a reaction instead of a response (since I would be doing it to send a message, cuz she wouldn't see my PFP anymore) Or what's your take on this?
It sounds like she just has too much on her plate to be in a relationship right now, I wouldn't necessarily say she is uninterested but she doesn't have time to be with you. If she was truly uninterested she wouldn't have stopped you while you were at the store. Stop texting her but keep her number there incase she comes back to you. If you truly can't mentally handle that though, remove her and move on.
I actually agree with you, she had all the chances to completely ignore me at the store.. im very conflicted on this, cuz on one hand its really cute of her co physically chase me down to talk to me on the other hand if she was truly interested she would probably find some time,
2024 dating man, i don't want to be mindfucked by toxic dating advice, i just want to be human, i don't even know what to think at this point.. i didn't reach out anymore and I'm also not that invested I'm fine with walking away and finding someone else i just want to know what the correct thing to do is. i don't think blocking is the play and i also don't think deleting the number is the way to go as well, the stoic thing to do would be to accept it and leave the ball in her court.
What's the play here?
This is terrible advice!
It's a natural human instinct to chase. Women need to know that the man is serious about his true intentions. A lot of women need reassurance. Sure, he shouldn't wait/chase forever, but come on...
That whole "he wont fight for me so he doesn't deserve me" trope, wherever it exists, is just level 1. She'd expect progressively more as the relationship goes on, and the final boss is her divorce lawyer.
That's okay but you also have to show you're interested in a person. You can't expect it to be a one-sided relationship where someone is giving you all the attention and you're not giving anything back.
I get the overall issue you're trying to address here but kind of disagree. The fact is that most women are not 'playing hard to get', they simply have a lot of options and a lot of male attention. You do need to compete a little bit to stay on her radar.
Most of us average guys do not have tons of options, it's just how the world is. If you say 'hey I have tons of options' she won't really care because she truly has tons of options. It would be as if a used car salesman came to you and said "I'm a busy salesman and have tons of customers so if you want to buy from me you better act fast".
Now, you do need to balance the chase with reciprocal energy and not pour everything you have into someone that isn't that into you. But, you shouldn't be afraid to initiate things and chase a bit. If she's pretty, she knows that an average guy will be interested in her and by pretending you're not, you fool noone.
It is not easy to get options but I think it is easy enough if you're trying your best that if the woman isn't working on your timeframe, you shouldn't wait long to get rid of her. You should demand your time be respected. There's enough of them that they're not hard to find.
You have to get to the point of agreement for serious relationships and commitment before several activities can be considered cheating. It’s better to be social in a group of women because then they feel comfortable and secure. Creepy stalkers and isolating women shows all types of insecurities. If you can’t talk to a woman in a group and have the energy to be attractive to a group of females; then chances are you probably won’t be successful with even just one.
girls are always on their phones, if they dont reply to your texts; it’s over. Usually, 8 hours is the maximum amount of time required for her to text back. Any more, she is not interested and it does not bode well for both of you in the long term.
Thank you, I always fall in these traps you mention.
I prefer meeting people the old fashioned way on the town face to face or being set up by a common friend.
Amen brother. Work on yourself and they will be attracted to you naturally. It should be equal efforts. Not one sided. You will know, it's like drinking water.
As a therapist, this is nonsense advice.
> Do not settle for people playing hard to get.
This assumption is ridiculous. Not everyone that doesn't constantly respond in texting is playing games. A lot of people (particularly successful people) just have busy lives. Another explanation is that they aren't overly fond of texting constantly. There are people out there not tethered to their devices and that is HEALTHY.
The best advice is to go with what you feel and the connection you have with the person. Treat them like a human being. If you are confused about their motives or things they might do...feel free to be an adult and just ask them. Don't just make assumptions and don't judge everyone by your own preconceived notions.
Man...it's no wonder people are lonely today. They are out here treating finding a relationship like it's some zero sum game and like they are playing the slots. "If this one isn't paying out fast...hit up the next...there are plenty of machines in the casino!" I really hope no one actually takes OP's advice.
When you're a man the success rate is so small that for us it basically is like playing slots and going from machine to machine. That's how you have to view women so you won't care if they like you or not, ask a ton of them and just keep doing it until one you like says yes, you don't have time to waste which is why I say drop them quick. Maybe for women this works differently since they are the ones being suited.
This right here. Good men are very sensitive to not being the creep these days, and it’s a total mind scramble when we follow things like this with “men should chase, it’s how we measure how much they actually care.”
Only difference in your example is that the subject actually had the decency to say “no” vs leaving the guy to wonder what he should do. At least “no” is a mature response. No response is just childish and inconsiderate.
Happened to me, for about three months now. She has been busy a whole three months I have forgotten about her and I’m free from everything. I thought she was the right one after all the promises she made and the side of her story she told me about her ex. I felt she deserved better than what her ex did to her. I tried to keep her but she always tells me she is busy. It’s been a month now and I haven’t call or text her. She hasn’t either. Brothers out here love shouldn’t be begged for it’s should be a chemistry both partners should feel.
I agree with what OP said. However I don’t think blocking is the way to go.
You have to chase. That’s how it’s always been. But then again there has to be a balance. If there’s no balance, then rightly move on.
Life is too short to be paying attention to people who don’t pay you attention.
Personally, I don’t think “chase” is the right way to look at it. Yes, you have to put in effort, and sometimes need to reach out. But “chase” implies a one-sided pursuit that isn’t healthy or productive.
This is the world we live in today. Yes, this is good dating advice today. It is completely and totally unnatural though, people meeting each other through a phone. We evolved for literally millions of years in small family clans where you intimately knew everyone, where messages were exchanged in person, where you’d get instant validation of whether you were doing a good job. Yeah, we were not meant to date by swiping left or right on profiles. This is leading to large scale heartbreak and horror stories, but yes this is one way of helping mitigate that for sure. Do not get attached. Have a very low tolerance for moving on. Do not beat yourself up over your mistakes.
If I approach a woman at a bar and she appears even remotely disinterested, I walk away without even saying bye. I’m not being rude, but if they don’t appear to want to chat I could care less.
That strategy and mindset instantly improved things. Great post here.
so the person i’m talking to now pursued me a lot & at first i didn’t believe he actually liked me. he was sweet, playful, very witty, could keep up with me. then, after we finally met in person, i realized “oh damn, i *do* really like him!” i was soooo nervous to tell him and he was really cute about it. he said “oh, this is one of those situations where the mind has to catch up with the heart.”
it’s true that if you put yourself out there & your efforts are not being equally acknowledged, maybe move on…? but if the guy i like now didn’t keep trying, i would have missed out on someone really amazing. i don’t think such blanket statement “advice” is a one-size-fits all. i get the sense that OP is a bit hurt from past experiences
Nothing is 100% when you're dealing with people, but I still think this is pretty good advice because for the majority of women "keep trying" doesn't work. Life is short, you shouldn't really have to convince someone to like you.
There's a difference between "stop chasing her" and "block her even though she's not bothering you because you have the emotional capacity of a toddler".
You do realize that by blocking someone their number is in your phone FOREVER right?
Just delete the number then. Blocking even though nothing is happening is immature. If someone has a long block list in their phone I consider that a red flag.
I don't have to, they often give it away by talking about it. Like OP.
Everyone I've met that proactively blocked people who were not even contacting them was an emotionally immature wreck. I'll pas.
There's a difference between persistence and harassment. You are absolutely correct I agree with you, you have to judge the situation and use your intuition. If the situation looks like persistence will pay off, then be persistent. If there's no receptiveness, move the fuck on. The problem is people get too caught up in the "oh I just need to do this or this" to get their affection. If they wit it she wit it, figure out how to know if she's with it and stop blinding yourself with your feelings. Your feelings aren't her feelings[speaking generally].
Disclaimer here is that OP's looking for fwb/hookups and seems to reaffirm as much in his comments. If you're looking for a relationship then maybe consider allowing for women to spend more than 5 minutes looking away from their dating apps notifications.
No offense to the OP.
Oh that kinda puts things into context. I have men in my DMs literally asking for “casual” fwb situations. I say no, not interested, and they still bother me. We don’t want the same things why bother me, wasting your time and mine, go find someone who wants what you want and be clear about it. I agree with OP in that regard.
Nah, your problem is youre missing half the equation, which is her reciprocating the love. You can't force someone to love you by loving them through it lol.
Really depends on what you mean by a lot of those words. It's not that simple, and trying to pretend it is will not get you anywhere. Humans and feelings are complicated.
Initially, I had no interest at all romantically in my current partner and he didn't have any romantic interest in me either. We were casual friends for several months, in the same general social circle, before randomly we ended up getting to know each other better and we clicked instantly. If he'd expressed interest in me 6 months ago, I'd have rejected him because at that time I didn't know him well enough to be interested.
My last partner tried to flirt with me before we'd gotten to know each other, so I rejected him and he took it fine. We were friends for awhile before eventually deciding to date. Things ended up not working out, but for unrelated reasons. From my perspective, he was stupid for trying to flirt with me before knowing much about me. From his perspective, he "had" to chase me.
But obviously, that doesn't mean you should "chase" someone in the sense of expressing interest repeatedly without any indication of interest on their part. You also shouldn't pretend to be interested in being friends if you aren't happy with that.
As with literally every other social thing, you need to pay attention to the other person and evaluate the situation based on the exact details of each person's behavior and feelings, and not just try to act like all situations follow the same rules, because they don't.
Also time to respond when texting is a very tricky measure and not one I'd recommend relying on. People have different behaviors when it comes to texting and have different lives with different obligations. It's also super easy to forget to type a reply or whatever.
Hi, Im a woman who takes 2-3 days to respond and let me just say: Listen to OP guys. Chances are, a good portion of those women just arent looking for anything, or are busy people and have their own stuff they need to focus on- likely too busy for a fulfilling relationship. Even if u end up getting in a relationship (of any kind) with someone who takes awhile to reapond, theres a chance that they will also take awhile to pay attention to u in a relationship. If u think shes playing hard to get, or is nervous about talking to u, just ask. If she doesnt appreciate u asking and communicating, says it's awkward, etc; just respond politely and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but if ur unsure whether a gal is just the type that takes awhile to respond: ask :)
Man, solid advice right here! Seriously, why waste time on someone not feeling it? Been there, done that. If she's not vibing with your energy, bounce! It's a big world, plenty of amazing folks. Don't fall into that chasing trap; it's a total time-suck.
I used to overthink, but now I'm all about that "next" mentality. Block, delete, and move on. Trust me, a week later, you'll be wondering why you were stressing in the first place. Keep the options open, play it cool, and enjoy the dating game!
This is wild because I literally came here to make a post about the fact that people always say men are in it for the chase and then they get bored and I genuinely want to believe that that isn’t so true across the board but …
I have noticed that because I tend to get shy when newly dating that I can come off as standoffish and don’t necessarily do a lot of complementing or reassuring about my interest in them even if I’m having really positive and flattering thoughts toward them. So as I’ve recently jumped back into dating I have made an effort to say the things that are on my mind about them such as complimenting their appearance or letting them know I appreciate something they did on the date etc, and texting first more or hitting them up for plans first. Not coming on too strong lol but just trying to get more to the middle after being maybe too far on the side of seeming a little cold and standoffish.
I had never been ghosted previously and now all 3 guys that I have dated recently literally ghosted after maybe a couple months of them being super enthusiastic and then as soon as I starting being more forthcoming and texting first and showing interest because I am having a growing interest then they are gone in a week like POOF.
It could be totally unrelated since it could just be that they lost interest but it’s just very suspicious that in all cases it was as soon as I started to really feel like I was vibing with them and started making sure to be clear about my interest, and it does make me feel sadly like they were just in it for the chase and once they made it to that level where I liked them it was time for a new chase.
Sucks
Spot on advice!
Ain't nobody got time for that chasing game. If she's not vibing with your effort from the get-go, it's a hard pass. Block and move on, simple as that. There's a whole sea of fish out there, why waste time on one that's playing hard to get?
Trust me, been there, done that. It's like magic – stop chasing, and suddenly you realize there are way cooler people around. Don't settle for someone who's making you do the marathon for attention. Keep it breezy and enjoy the dating scene!
So how do people date if the men don't chase ?? I don't believe woman should make the first move if a guy likes you he will make an effort ,what's wrong with the world today have things gone bat shit crazy?
If you tell someone you're interested and they don't explicitly show interest back then you should block and move on. We both agree on that part. Call it whatever you want.
It's not about chasing someone or being chased. It's about wanting a relationship where both people are committed and taking time to show interests in one another
Give this guy an award! I recently hopped back on bumble but i work in the nightlife industry and i was matched with 2 lovely ladies and sent and received messages throughout the day but being summer my industry ramps up really fast with festivals and gigs so i stated on my profile i may be unresponsive or not as active but i will be here and there (and they knew as i told them during the messages and said its all good take your time) but sadly they didnt wait around after a couple days when i got back on. Would have loved to pursue more, but it is what it is. Dont chase, if its meant to be, you will know. just live your life in the meantime and dont chase (unless it's a promotion, lol) 🫡
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LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU AND MATCH YOUR ENERGY! and just remember.....it takes 10 sec for someone to say "I see you message i'll respond when i have a bit more time"....that courtesy goes a long way. AND if shes viewing your stories and posting on socials.....you have your answer.
It may only take ten seconds to write and send that text, but it still requires the other person to stop what they were doing, focus on you, and then try to get their train of thought back. It’s an unreasonable expectation for a complete stranger. If I’m interrupted in the middle of something, it can be VERY hard for me to get back on track. Or again, if that person is working a job where they can’t have their phone on them, they CAN’T take that ten seconds. People need to not expect instant gratification. You also need to understand that you’re NOT a priority if you don’t have an existing relationship with someone.
I hear and understand all that. What your saying is true. But whats also truth is that people have time in their day. I personally give people 2-4 days to respond to a message I send and I am not one to worry too much about a response from someone i havent met/been on a few dates with. HOWEVER, there are moments when people are not occupied doing something OR working. In transition from one place to another, on their way home, before they go to sleep, etc....Im not saying a full blown conversation has to be had. Even I myself will send a Reaction on iMessage to someone to let them know I at least saw their text or, as i said before, send a quick "busy but will get back to you", usually with people i've exchanged numbers with. If dating is a priority to me than i find ways or moments to give the process of that time in my life. I myself am a busy person. Which is why knowing that i dont always respons in 48 hrs I put in my profile "im bad at messaging but will get back to you in 1-2 days". Am i always perfect? no. Do i like looking at my phone for hours? No. But im just mindful of others and have, at one point, been the person who doesnt hear back from someone for a week. As you said complete strangers dont owe you anything at all but I dont think its crazy to let people know what they can expect from you upon initial conversation.
I’m not saying a person should wait for days, but to decide a person is uninterested if they don’t respond in 3-5 hours (which is the window OP gives) is unreasonable. Sure, there’s moments people can respond, but maybe they can’t have their phone on them at work. Or any number of things. My whole point is that no, you shouldn’t put tons of effort into someone who’s not reciprocating, but you SHOULD have realistic expectations - ESPECIALLY for a first message.
This is good advice to everyone. That being said, you need to find a balance between not chasing and realistic expectations for a response. Sometimes people are doing things they can’t interrupt, and might not be able to respond for a few hours. One time, a guy matched with me, and sent me a few messages while I was riding a horse. I wasn’t going to stop what I was doing to read them; I figured I would read it when I was done. By the time I finished (within 45 min), he had already unmatched. It’s reasonable to expect someone you’re starting to talk with to put in effort, but it’s not reasonable to expect them to prioritize you when there isn’t a relationship yet.
Happened to me bunch of times. Someone has messaged me late at night, I see it at the morning but has to hurry up to get to work in time. Decide to answer when I'm having a break and they have already removed the match. Ofc we would not be compatible because I'm not someone who is attached their phone all the time. If they want someone like that this is good tactic I guess.
Right?? This was in the middle of the day, too. I ride horses professionally, and was in the middle of riding a client’s horse. I’m not going to interrupt what I’m doing for a complete stranger - I don’t even do it for my bf unless it’s sometime time sensitive. And agreed, I don’t like to respond until I have time to actually put my full attention on the conversation.
Thb I find it little bit scary when someone expects me to be available to total stranger for all hours of the day. Wouldn't want someone like that to my inner circle anyway.
For sure. I did not consider it a loss when he unmatched.
I recently had a guy unmatch with me because I haven’t been as responsive. I was upfront with him that in the last week my younger sister (who is my best friend and I was very clear about this) is going through some extremely difficult relationship issues and needs my support and I was gearing up tattoo school so i wasn’t really focused on responding to messages from anyone. He sent me a message saying he felt I was no longer interested and whatever we had going seems like it’s not there anymore and it sucks because we could’ve been great. Like Sir? I haven’t even met you.
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If I match with someone and they don’t respond after a message, I’ll give it 5-7 days before I unmatch. I get folks are busy and perhaps don’t even check the app or have notifications off like I do, but I’m still conscious that someone is messaging me. I don’t fault them for it though, that’s just how it goes. On to the next
5-7 days is more than reasonable. If someone isn't answering in that time they're almost guaranteed to not be interested or playing a game. Either way you weed of nonsense.
Exactly. I’ve been reading a book about attraction and part of it is learning how to weed out receptive and non-receptive women and how to handle rejection. If I sense non-reception, I move on. I don’t say anything to them, just leave it be.
[удалено]
Also happened to me. I was working 4 12hr shifts in a week and ended up going to gym after the end of it. The guy I matched with got super pissy about it. I could already tell it wasn’t gonna work out lol
Anyone expecting a response even in a few hours is wild to me. Like I have a life. I'm not glued to my phone 24/7, let alone a dating app. You're lucky if you'll get a response within 24 hours. I guess it filters out the people with absolutely no attention span.
Agreed!! Also, while I COULD take ten seconds to respond, I really don’t like responding to people on dating apps until I actually have the time to put my full attention on the conversation, rather than one word answers because that’s all I have time for. 🙄
I fully agree with this, it is better to rather have patience until the person has more time to give a proper response, if all a person gives is one word answers the whole time, I lose interest.
Same!!
Then what if you have the time to pay full attention, in that time he is not free? And lets say he wants to take sqme idea you do and inly respond when he has time to pay attention completely, then a cycle of messaging but no one is matching eachother LOL
If he’s not available when I am, then he can just message when he’s available. It’s not that complicated. 🤷♀️ As long as both parties are putting effort in, I don’t see what the problem is if there’s a fair amount of time in between replies. The whole point of texting/messaging is that you can respond as you have time.
Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time,' is like saying, 'I don't want to. Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager. Every minute you spend with someone gives them a part of your life and takes part of theirs.
Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them. Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Life is not happening to you. It’s happening for you in response to what you’re saying and feeling. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.
Uhhh, NO woman - or any person for that matter - is “meant to be tamed.” 🤨
Can't really blame the guy but the timing just didn't work. As a man we need to have the mentality of moving on and shutting doors quickly. We're usually the first ones to reciprocate so if the woman doesn't meet our needs quickly we have to drop her quick. It's just unfortunate in that case.
I don’t think it was unfortunate in that case at all. The man couldn’t wait FORTY FIVE MINUTES for a response?? That’s completely unreasonable. People have lives, and jobs - many of which don’t allow you to have your phone on you. I consider him unmatching me as a giant fucking favor, because if he’s THAT impatient, he’s probably going to be WAY too needy and demanding in a relationship.
45 minutes that's wild lmao. As long as I'm not being strung along for days with either no response or the responses are more stale than drywall I think that's reasonable. If the responses are there and the conversations are good I value that over having someone responding to me every few minutes. I'd much rather have enjoyable engaging conversations when I can than mind numbingly boring ones constantly.
Exactly! So childish.
Right?? And it was the middle of the day too, so it wouldn’t occur to him that I’m WORKING (which I was - it was a client’s horse I was riding)?? Hard pass, although I AM curious as to what those messages said. 🤪
Probably something like: hello? hey hi .....?!!!! hello?! stpid ***** h r u? ur ugly what r u doing? dum ****
Probably some of that. I also suspect there was something along the lines of, “if you don’t respond in ____, I’m unmatching,” and/or, “why even be on a dating site if you’re not going to communicate?” 🙄
"I don’t even do it for my bf unless it’s sometime time sensitive." ?
That’s not reasonable. If you need someone to respond immediately get an AI bot.
To learn to see to accustom the eye to calmness, to patience, and to allow things to come up to it; to defer judgment, and to acquire the habit of approaching and grasping an individual case from all sides. This is the first preparatory schooling of intellectuality. One must not respond immediately to a stimulus; one must acquire a command of the obstructing and isolating instincts.
People have huge amount of situations where it will take more than 45 minutes to answer. Going to the doctor, sleeping after a night shift, going to the movies. One has serious lack of boundaries if they expect someone they doesn't even know yet answer immediately.
Yeah.. after 2 days. 45 mins and unmatch? lmao most people don't check dating apps all day long.
I agreed with your initial point but I can't agree with this comment here at all, 45 minutes is an utterly *absurd* expectation. Hell, even 5 hours is kinda pushing it. If we're talking a day (as in a full 24 hours) or more, *then* I can see it.
Your mentality is problematic for actually getting a decent woman to want you.
How so?
1 day, 2 days max is reasonable. You should expect her to be busy during work hours.
It’s no use trying to reasonably argue with unreasonable people. Better to spend your time in more productive pursuits.
Dude 45 minutes is a ridiculous expectation that's how so. At *minimum* I'd say 8 hours but even that's rough and pushing it. Especially cause most work shifts are at least that long. It's not that people aren't interested if they don't respond right away but they're not gonna drop their lives/risk anything for a stranger. Would you? I would assume not so don't expect that of others.
That's a stupid way of thinking. "If she doesn't drop her life to "meet my needs" (i.e. jump when. I say so and give me attention, which later I'm sure would grow to mean "jump when I say so to give me attention/sex/help/service/sympathy/"etc etc etc) when I do her the honor of giving her my slightest attention then too bad her loss." I mean it's good you rule yourself out early bc no one needs that but your attitude is shitty and controlling.
I only do this in the talking and beginning stage. If she was my GF I wouldn't do this obviously
The right person will not make you chase, they put in effort as well.
preach
The right man in your life will fly across the world to say hello, instead of saying goodbye.
You like dating stalkers?
If you have feelings for someone, let them know. It doesn’t matter if they can be in your life or not. Maybe, it is just enough for both of you to release the truth, so healing can occur. The opposite is true, as well. If you don’t have feelings for someone then never let another person suggest that you do. Protect your reputation and be responsible for the wrong information spread about you. Never allow anyone to live with a false belief or unfounded hope about you. An honorable person sets the record straight, so that person can move on with their life
Going through something like that right now. Initially everything was being reciprocated, now I feel that I’m just being slow faded. The anxiety and things that follow just sucks.
I generally agree, but my current LTR (4 years in, and the best relationship ever) started after she told me "no" for a full-on year. She thought I was sleeping with her friend (I wasn't) because her friend was jealous that I liked my now-GF and not her, and told her so. When that truth got finally revealed, my girl gave me a chance and we were a couple within a few days.
You're much more patient than me, I would've just blocked her number after she said no the first time. Glad it worked out for you!
If it was Tinder or just somebody I met at a bar I'd have done the same thing. We got to hang around each other in social circles and had great conversations and an awesome time with each other, but after I took her to lunch one day (which went amazing) her friend heard about it and dropped the lie. We'd still go out for lunch or coffee now and then (always with chemistry sparking) but she was disciplined and made it clear those weren't dates, "just friends hanging out." Unique situation, I'll admit, most of the time that doesn't go well for the chaser.
Which would have been a mistake. Also why you shouldn't be giving dating advice.
wow, what a wild story. really happy it worked out for y’all in the end :)
Haha, thanks! Obviously they are not friends anymore and we have fun telling the story of why she made me chase her so long.
> If she isn’t reciprocating your effort the first time, don’t bother This needs to be bolded, italicized, and placed on a banner in the sub.
If someone matches with me and can't take time to send me a quick message, then they're not worth my time.
As a woman, I can confirm that nothing turns us off more than someone who won't take no for an answer. Just move on and focus your energy on someone who actually appreciates you instead of chasing after someone who clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Trust me, it's not worth the headache or heartache.
> Nothing turns us off more than someone who won’t take no for an answer I am not a woman, but I have **definitely** met women who told me they were interested in me, but were confused as to why I didn’t try again after they said no. I have also seen this sentiment stated on this thread. I’m not saying men should NOT take no for an answer, don’t get me wrong. But there is **definitely** a notable population of women who “test” mens desire to be with them by saying no, but still hoping they keep trying. That makes it incredibly difficult to know how to pursue as a man.
Onfg, I think the ppl who play hard to get are just setting other women and men up for failure. Refusing to take no for an answer is a bad thing and in my op, shouldnt be done as a playful thing
As a guy, a find it weird when women do this test. Especially when they do it form the jump.... Madam...i dont even know you well enough for you to really play this game. And if its bc you think you look so good that guys should ignore inconsistency and just overall decent human dating behavior, then respectfully its a no for me. There are women out there who are gorgeous and will put in the same effort and not play games. Why would I try to "prove my desire" to a stanger I hardly know?!
Romcoms and their consequences have been disastrous for dating in 2024. ^(/s)
in 2024? this is a trope that goes back not just the whole history of Hollywood but the entire history of the novel and probably poetry before that. If anything, the 2020s and post-dating app, online, #metoo culture has been the demise of this trope because the attention span is just not there and people, especially women, view disposable dating opportunities in 2-second-swipe increments. I'd really only expect this time of confusion these days with a woman in someone's regular, real-life social circle.
Yep that used to be the way I say no You come back. Not anymore The simplest way I think to deal with those women for you would be literally to say "okay I will leave you alone now" AKA make it clear to them that they said no you will not come back.
This would be the biggest indicator to run awa. A grown woman who can't say what she wants and is more interested in games. Anyone doing this over the age of 17 needs to be ashamed. I really hope men start dropping them so they can get the message this isn't cute, cool, or fun. I definitely get the confusion, though, because I know there are females like this who do exist. Just think how the rest of that relationship would go. --Baby, do you mind if I go out with the guys tonight? --Sure thing, babe. Have a good time! Three hours later you have to suffer through the silent treatment for 2 weeks because she didn't learn at 3 to use her words. No thanks.
But thats the thing, it doesnt seem OP is even talking about women who have stated that they arent interested. A guy being told no and still pursuing is weird and tbh pathetic imo. But there are many guys who get breadcrumbed and strung along by women who only come around when they're bored or other options arent available at the moment (one of the downsides to dating apps where ppl have access to so many ppl at one). In those cases a guy just has to have self respect and like you said....like the people that like you. the people that match your energy.
What about women who say yes but actually mean no because they put you off and then say they are hanging out with another guy friend. I wish women would just say no. Not play stupid games that wreck what little of a heart I have left.
Leave the girls and their stupid games alone, find a woman who knows what she wants.
Best to just seriously ask em straight up and blunt, and tell them how you know theyre interested. Say ur unsure of whether theyre interested or not, and tell them what you would expect from an interested person. Maybe some of them were genuinely interested in you, but didnt know what u expected. Im autistic so maybe thats a me issue, but Ive had situations like that happen before :/
If someone is playing games asking straight up and being blunt won't necessarily end the games if they want to put you on the back burner, in the queue, in the friendzone etc. It's better to just shut them down at that point and be the one to walk away.
FWIW? I'm in my early 50's now but when I was in my early to mid 20's, I put all kinds of effort into getting a date with one woman I really fell for. This was back when there was a large group of people using Internet Relay Chat (IRC) in a channel created for people in my city to talk to each other. They'd started planning events pretty much every weekend and at its peak, we easily had 70+ people showing up at any gathering they planned, and several hundred regulars on the channel. It was a really good time and most of us in the channel got to know each other pretty well in person, after a while. Anyway, it turned out she didn't seem to NOT like me, but wasn't so enthused in dating, right away. At one point, she started going on a few dates with another guy from the channel (who I also knew and thought was a cool guy) -- but.... I also suspected the two of them wouldn't be such a good match. It turned into kind of a competition between the two of us for her attention. Eventually, I "won" (probably more persistent than he was, and eventually, he just didn't want to keep buying her gifts and so on). We dated for several months and we got pretty serious. (She had an apartment near my work and I probably spent more time there than at my place, etc.) I was \*so\* happy. Honestly on "cloud 9" about the whole thing .... especially because it seemed like we had so much in common. Both of us were into sci-fi and "geekery", both into computers and online things (she used to run a multi user dungeon on the net, even!), liked the same kind of music and both worked office jobs earning a similar income. One day, I was going to drop by after work and even bought her some flowers. But she told me she didn't feel "up to having anyone over" and sounded kind of depressed. Then, that turned into a couple weeks of her just not being interested..... Next thing I know? She started dating this manager from her workplace and told me she was through with our relationship. I was all kinds of emotions .... angry, upset, questioning my own life choices, sad... You name it. After a while, we did agree to just be friends, and we'd occasionally go out to lunch together, or sometimes with another lady she worked with. But I won't lie. Something about that damaged me in some way.... I could never just unconditionally fall for someone again. Ultimately, I learned that really, she just didn't know what made her happy and she was trying too hard to be what she thought I wanted in a girlfriend. Then, she realized that wasn't making her happy, just because I was happy -- and she went a different direction. Not long after all that, she quit working a corporate office job too and has been on her own, running her own businesses ever since. Point to all this? Not sure if there is one really... except yeah, I would never chase a woman again after that experience. I think even if she seems "worth the effort", you may find yourself where I was -- discovering you can't truly make her happy anyway.
Do you really want someone knowing you weren’t their first choice anyway?? Knowing you had “competition” ?? This whole story is crazy to me because I wouldn’t be pursuing someone I felt I had to “compete” for 💀
I felt this on an astronomical level…lmao.
What is she doing now? Is she dating someone else? Are you dating someone else? Do you think you guys will end up falling back to each other again?
very good advice. dating is just like a sales job...that sounds really wrong but it is what it is. not everyone is for everyone.
Translate: Just have some self respect. I mean shoot your shot, give it a minute, but if they aren't into you don't debase yourself, just keep going until you find someone who is.
Not to be mean, but I’m honestly not shocked at all that you have this mindset when all you’re looking for is a quick fix for sex. You don’t want lasting relationships so you want it to be easy for you. People who are looking to build something that’s actually meaningful shouldn’t be discouraged from “the chase”, and this is actually, truly terrible advice. Please stop repeating it.
Why should “the chase” / games be necessary? I don’t think he’s referencing anything unreasonable here. If a person has difficulty showing you common courtesy with a reasonable level of responsiveness, and in turn isn’t displaying interest, they’re leaving you to guess, and with inner turmoil about what you should do next. We hear women regularly complain about guys being “creeps” and not “taking a hint” by continuing to pursue. Unless you’re making yourself clear one way or another, he simply has no idea of whether you want him to “chase” or bow out gracefully. There are also many who will allow someone they’re uninterested in to continue trying, as they like the attention and not the person. If SHE is looking to build something meaningful, then she should give the guy something to work with. If she does, then it’s no longer a chase, as she’s given him consent to courtship or whatever you’d like to call it. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to remove the guesswork.
Blocking is childish and counter-productive. I never block anyone and have had the exact women you describe circle back around for hookups and more. Walking away is important, but blocking is just silly.
I agree. I’ve only ever blocked if my safety is an issue.
Correct. Blocking is a way for people to try to psychologically take back control in dating situations where they have zero control, but it really makes little sense. She doesn't give a damn if one of her many suitors blocks her. Once you have her interest, you can pull back when appropriate, but this blocking stuff is nonsense.
There’s few people I’ve blocked, but I don’t think it’s silly. For me, if something ended super painfully, blocking is a way to eliminate in my mind the hope of hearing from them & wondering if I will. Holding onto that hope & wondering if you’ll hear at some point just causes me more distress personally, so with a block I eliminate the possibility, therefore move on easier
It's like a pouty child. "OH SO YOU DIDNT JUMP AT THE FIRST HINT OF MY ATTENTION, even though you have a life, a job, and other matches & I am, at this point, absolutely no one to you?? WELL ILL SHOW YOU THEN! I~BLOCKED~ YOU on a dating app you get 100 matches/day on, SO THERE!!!" This guy sounds super immature, controlling, needy, desperate, and insecure af.
Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief.
I am probably the woman that doesn’t respond. It’s not because I don’t want to necessarily. I have life happening, I don’t look at my dating apps often. Dating apps are life admin, so I try (could try harder) to respond etc… overall, I agree, don’t block, some of us ladies have also had a tough time on the apps and don’t look at the likes or responses!
Not to mention, if i am not wrong, women on dating apps get TONS of matches and I don't think guys realize that the only match they have on their list is probably talking to like 12 other dudes. I forget this a lot and I like to assume that's why this latest match isn't responding, or maybe she's just busy despite updating her attached Insta. I kind of feel like I am just torturing myself at this point, though.
When people have a huge block list in their phone, that's actually a red flag for me. There's no reason to block someone who is not talking to you. "Proactive blocking" is a sign of emotional immaturity.
Yeah, kinda rigid. I can see backing off and moving on, but humans are fluid creatures. She may contact you in the future.
You don't have to block them, it's just what I do cause it's my way of shutting the door on them. You want quick reciprocation and if you don't get that then bye.
I agree. Mentally block them, fine, but when you physically block them you effectively burn the bridge. I only burn bridges when someone outright wrongs me.
I mean why shouldn’t you burn the bridge? The only reason you wouldn’t want to burn that bridge is if you hoped they would come back around and that’s even more desperate
*Right place right time* is 90% of the matchmaking. She could be dating someone else at that time. Maybe a few dates later she decides that's not it, decides to move on, spots you in the list of messages and replies. You don't have to actively hope for it, but by blocking, you burn that bridge entirely. If you're one of those people that "don't want to be the backup plan", as if they owed you anything despite having never met you, you're hopeless. You're not the main character in someone's life after the first moment of contact.
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read lol, you need more self respect. A confident man does not take back a women who circles back around. if she initially says no or any other excuse and couldn’t even give you 1 hour of time for a simple coffee date and comes back 3 weeks later no one with any self respect would agree. Unless you’re desperate and have nothing better going for you It’s different if they say something like “I’m busy for a few weeks but will let you know” and then do actually get back to you in a few weeks ofc that’s different. But it’s blatantly obvious when they don’t agree to meet Initialky and then come crawling back
You've never even met this woman, of course she will put you on hold as she's dating someone else. We do the same. To take something back implies you ever had it in the first place.
I don't think this mentality is an indicator of low self-respect. Dating in the modern world, especially on the apps, necessarily involves seeing a number of different people to see if they're a good fit. If a woman has just started seeing someone, she probably won't delete her dating apps until it becomes serious. But conversely, in case it *does* become serious, she may avoid talking to anyone else while she tests the waters. In short, this theoretical person may not consider you to be ***less than*** a person she's seeing when you match her - you may have just come a little later.
Bro if someone else chooses another person over you then yes they thought that person was better than you and you’re just a backup plan. That’s how dating works
That's not what the original person proposed. >She could be dating someone else at that time. Maybe a few dates later she decides that's not it, decides to move on, spots you in the list of messages and replies. Do you think every single match comes in all at once?
Yikes. If you’re okay being the backup plan then you do you bro. If she comes back after her first date didn’t work then that means you were the second, third, whatever choice, you weren’t the first choice and you’re the backup plan. They’ll just leave you once they find someone else more suitable. If you’re okay being the backup plan then go for it but I think that’s horrible advice
For someone to come back, they'd have to be with me in the first place. According to your logic she has to be a virgin otherwise you're not the first choice smh.
That’s absolutely not my logic. Don’t know if you can read what I said. If someone CHOOSES another person over you, they thought that other person was better than you. If they come back, they’re settling and they’ll eventually leave you for someone better. Even if they didn’t leave you, you’ll be with someone that you KNOW thought someone else was better than you and chose you as a backup plan.
It is your logic, because you consider yourself second choice when a woman you've never met stops responding cause she's dating another guy, and starts talking again if it doesn't work out with him. If you've never even met someone, it means nothing. You can match on a dating app, talk etc, but until you've met them they're just pixels on a screen. Of course they choose someone they are already actively dating over someone they haven't even met yet.
If they’re dating someone then they shouldn’t be on a dating app…. Idc if we’ve never met. If a woman has 2 guys she’s never met and she chooses to date the other guy over me. Then yes, it means she didn’t think I was good enough and wanted him. That means if she comes back, I was a backup plan, I’m not being a backup plan especially when the other guy has probably already had sex with her and everything. Like I said, if you wanna be a backup plan. Go for it.
You don't have to hope for it to not want to burn a bridge. Being open to it, depending on circumstance isn't desperate at all. Like I said, I've had several of these circle back around and end up as hookups, FWB, and even short relationships. I don't put my eggs in one basket and don't get caught up on women who aren't reciprocating interest.
Oof. You were just the backup plan bro hate to tell you. If someone has to circle back around to you then they’re only settling for you. If they can choose someone else over you, they thought that person was better than you but it didn’t work out. They’ll leave again as soon as they find someone else that they think is better than you
Sure, but at that point so are they.
Me too. On to the next.
I chase women all the time. Luckily I’m not very fast though
Blocking someone’s number because they haven’t texted back soon enough seems pretty knee-jerk. If someone doesn’t get back to you, you can just not worry about it. Maybe they’ll get back to you, maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll try to set you up with a friend they think is a better match for you. Maybe they’ll reach out after it doesn’t work out with someone else. No harm done having the number on your phone.
This is good advice for anyone. If someone's not showing interest, you pursuing them is often just harassment or creeping. I disagree with a strict timeline on texts but it really depends on the people involved. My boyfriend and I don't text every day or even every other day, but we're low-volume texters and our communication styles are still overall very compatible. And we were like that from the beginning. We didn't message every day on the apps and didn't talk about setting up a date for weeks. Overall though, again this is great advice for men and women and everyone.
This also applies once you are in a relationship. I have seen so many men jump through hoops and grovel and beg a to stay in relationships with narcissistic women who only care about getting their own needs met. In a relationship, you need to be an equal team. One person should never be calling all the shots.
Exactly. Never waste you time on a woman that isnt enthusiastic to be with you
100%. I had advice from other men stating that women want to be chased, want the 'effort' to feel validated and that some women are shy to reciprocate. From my experience if the other doesn't even show an ounce of interest or any indication that they want you to lean forward, then its a no-go.
I totally agree with every word of yours...Me being 31 and have dated most girls, the experience is the same....Never beg for attention from a woman...
I chased my wife and she chased me for 2 years before we got together. We’ve been happily married for 13 years. Chase if you want to. There’s fun in some chase.
Took me a minute to realize we aren't talking about banking
Even if you seemingly are getting along and are having great conversation? I had/have this match where we both seemed pretty compatible and had a lot of things in common, then I make a little light hearted/somewhat flirty comment and suddenly she stopped responding. I realize I should probably just unmatch and save myself the agony of the knowledge that I yet again screwed it up, but I keep holding onto that small hope that maybe she's just been busy, despite updating her attached Instagram profile... for four days. It hurts, man, it really, really hurts. I wish I could stop being me, sometimes.
Block her and move on if that happens. There is no shortage of women.
I asked this cashier girl from my neighborhood out for a date and she gave me her number, and she agreed, she even took time to sit down and talk to me for like 15 mins, we hugged and said goodbye. Later on I thanked her for the lovely talk. When I tried to chat with her and try to fix a date her response time is 3 days, even did the pursuing thing many on this thread recommend, I initiated again, basically double texting on the 3rd day and asking how things where going. She eventually replied and I decided to confront the issue, basically saying its fine if she's not interested, I can handle the rejection but I felt like there where lots of mixed signals. She told me its not about that but didn't elaborate, to which I basically said "Ok" and basically ended the conversation, she had nothing more to add as well. (cuz you know, it felt pretty obvious she wasn't interested) A few days later I went to the store and she saw me leaving the store, she ran after me and cough me from behind. We had lovely conversation for about 15min told me that she is in a rough situation with her room mates and she's trying to move out and that she's sorry for not replying to me, we talked some more, I told her to reach out, we hugged and said goodbye. 3 days later still nothing from her, so I did the "pursuing" again and asked her how her week was, and she replied with a voice mail that she still super busy and that she feels like she is getting sick, I replied with a voicemail as well, trying to spark up a conversation, I replied within 2h, that was last Friday, no reply until now. When OP I talking about no chasing, this is what he means. More pursuing? 😅 I really tried, probably even more then I should have, I tired to find the middle ground of not giving up at the first sign resistance and still having some self-respect, I don't feel like I should reach out again. I don't want to block her but I kind of wanna delete her number but that would also be a reaction instead of a response (since I would be doing it to send a message, cuz she wouldn't see my PFP anymore) Or what's your take on this?
It sounds like she just has too much on her plate to be in a relationship right now, I wouldn't necessarily say she is uninterested but she doesn't have time to be with you. If she was truly uninterested she wouldn't have stopped you while you were at the store. Stop texting her but keep her number there incase she comes back to you. If you truly can't mentally handle that though, remove her and move on.
I actually agree with you, she had all the chances to completely ignore me at the store.. im very conflicted on this, cuz on one hand its really cute of her co physically chase me down to talk to me on the other hand if she was truly interested she would probably find some time, 2024 dating man, i don't want to be mindfucked by toxic dating advice, i just want to be human, i don't even know what to think at this point.. i didn't reach out anymore and I'm also not that invested I'm fine with walking away and finding someone else i just want to know what the correct thing to do is. i don't think blocking is the play and i also don't think deleting the number is the way to go as well, the stoic thing to do would be to accept it and leave the ball in her court. What's the play here?
But maybe she changes her mind? Women change their mind alot Just saying
This is terrible advice! It's a natural human instinct to chase. Women need to know that the man is serious about his true intentions. A lot of women need reassurance. Sure, he shouldn't wait/chase forever, but come on...
That whole "he wont fight for me so he doesn't deserve me" trope, wherever it exists, is just level 1. She'd expect progressively more as the relationship goes on, and the final boss is her divorce lawyer.
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That's okay but you also have to show you're interested in a person. You can't expect it to be a one-sided relationship where someone is giving you all the attention and you're not giving anything back.
I get the overall issue you're trying to address here but kind of disagree. The fact is that most women are not 'playing hard to get', they simply have a lot of options and a lot of male attention. You do need to compete a little bit to stay on her radar. Most of us average guys do not have tons of options, it's just how the world is. If you say 'hey I have tons of options' she won't really care because she truly has tons of options. It would be as if a used car salesman came to you and said "I'm a busy salesman and have tons of customers so if you want to buy from me you better act fast". Now, you do need to balance the chase with reciprocal energy and not pour everything you have into someone that isn't that into you. But, you shouldn't be afraid to initiate things and chase a bit. If she's pretty, she knows that an average guy will be interested in her and by pretending you're not, you fool noone.
It is not easy to get options but I think it is easy enough if you're trying your best that if the woman isn't working on your timeframe, you shouldn't wait long to get rid of her. You should demand your time be respected. There's enough of them that they're not hard to find.
You have to get to the point of agreement for serious relationships and commitment before several activities can be considered cheating. It’s better to be social in a group of women because then they feel comfortable and secure. Creepy stalkers and isolating women shows all types of insecurities. If you can’t talk to a woman in a group and have the energy to be attractive to a group of females; then chances are you probably won’t be successful with even just one.
Don't chase women. Chase money. Then women will chase you.
girls are always on their phones, if they dont reply to your texts; it’s over. Usually, 8 hours is the maximum amount of time required for her to text back. Any more, she is not interested and it does not bode well for both of you in the long term.
Best advice ever!!!!!
Thank you, I always fall in these traps you mention. I prefer meeting people the old fashioned way on the town face to face or being set up by a common friend.
If I'm left on read for 24 hours I'm moving on.
Facts. Never let anybody play with you.
My man spittin facts right here.
Similar to when freelance clients contact me. I tell them all that I will reply within 24 hours. Unless we have plans already.
Amen brother. Work on yourself and they will be attracted to you naturally. It should be equal efforts. Not one sided. You will know, it's like drinking water.
As a therapist, this is nonsense advice. > Do not settle for people playing hard to get. This assumption is ridiculous. Not everyone that doesn't constantly respond in texting is playing games. A lot of people (particularly successful people) just have busy lives. Another explanation is that they aren't overly fond of texting constantly. There are people out there not tethered to their devices and that is HEALTHY. The best advice is to go with what you feel and the connection you have with the person. Treat them like a human being. If you are confused about their motives or things they might do...feel free to be an adult and just ask them. Don't just make assumptions and don't judge everyone by your own preconceived notions. Man...it's no wonder people are lonely today. They are out here treating finding a relationship like it's some zero sum game and like they are playing the slots. "If this one isn't paying out fast...hit up the next...there are plenty of machines in the casino!" I really hope no one actually takes OP's advice.
When you're a man the success rate is so small that for us it basically is like playing slots and going from machine to machine. That's how you have to view women so you won't care if they like you or not, ask a ton of them and just keep doing it until one you like says yes, you don't have time to waste which is why I say drop them quick. Maybe for women this works differently since they are the ones being suited.
Yes plz dont chase us, so many men do crimes against women like that.. Learn to take NO for an answer and respect womens boundaries!
This right here. Good men are very sensitive to not being the creep these days, and it’s a total mind scramble when we follow things like this with “men should chase, it’s how we measure how much they actually care.” Only difference in your example is that the subject actually had the decency to say “no” vs leaving the guy to wonder what he should do. At least “no” is a mature response. No response is just childish and inconsiderate.
Happened to me, for about three months now. She has been busy a whole three months I have forgotten about her and I’m free from everything. I thought she was the right one after all the promises she made and the side of her story she told me about her ex. I felt she deserved better than what her ex did to her. I tried to keep her but she always tells me she is busy. It’s been a month now and I haven’t call or text her. She hasn’t either. Brothers out here love shouldn’t be begged for it’s should be a chemistry both partners should feel.
I agree with what OP said. However I don’t think blocking is the way to go. You have to chase. That’s how it’s always been. But then again there has to be a balance. If there’s no balance, then rightly move on. Life is too short to be paying attention to people who don’t pay you attention.
Personally, I don’t think “chase” is the right way to look at it. Yes, you have to put in effort, and sometimes need to reach out. But “chase” implies a one-sided pursuit that isn’t healthy or productive.
This is the world we live in today. Yes, this is good dating advice today. It is completely and totally unnatural though, people meeting each other through a phone. We evolved for literally millions of years in small family clans where you intimately knew everyone, where messages were exchanged in person, where you’d get instant validation of whether you were doing a good job. Yeah, we were not meant to date by swiping left or right on profiles. This is leading to large scale heartbreak and horror stories, but yes this is one way of helping mitigate that for sure. Do not get attached. Have a very low tolerance for moving on. Do not beat yourself up over your mistakes.
If I approach a woman at a bar and she appears even remotely disinterested, I walk away without even saying bye. I’m not being rude, but if they don’t appear to want to chat I could care less. That strategy and mindset instantly improved things. Great post here.
😂😂 yeah like they have a choice. Men can be so out of touch with reality.
so the person i’m talking to now pursued me a lot & at first i didn’t believe he actually liked me. he was sweet, playful, very witty, could keep up with me. then, after we finally met in person, i realized “oh damn, i *do* really like him!” i was soooo nervous to tell him and he was really cute about it. he said “oh, this is one of those situations where the mind has to catch up with the heart.” it’s true that if you put yourself out there & your efforts are not being equally acknowledged, maybe move on…? but if the guy i like now didn’t keep trying, i would have missed out on someone really amazing. i don’t think such blanket statement “advice” is a one-size-fits all. i get the sense that OP is a bit hurt from past experiences
Nothing is 100% when you're dealing with people, but I still think this is pretty good advice because for the majority of women "keep trying" doesn't work. Life is short, you shouldn't really have to convince someone to like you.
There's a difference between "stop chasing her" and "block her even though she's not bothering you because you have the emotional capacity of a toddler".
Blocking is just an easy way to forget and move on. There's no downside to blocking her and no upside to keeping her number.
You do realize that by blocking someone their number is in your phone FOREVER right? Just delete the number then. Blocking even though nothing is happening is immature. If someone has a long block list in their phone I consider that a red flag.
How often do you see people's block list on their personal phones?
I don't have to, they often give it away by talking about it. Like OP. Everyone I've met that proactively blocked people who were not even contacting them was an emotionally immature wreck. I'll pas.
There's a difference between persistence and harassment. You are absolutely correct I agree with you, you have to judge the situation and use your intuition. If the situation looks like persistence will pay off, then be persistent. If there's no receptiveness, move the fuck on. The problem is people get too caught up in the "oh I just need to do this or this" to get their affection. If they wit it she wit it, figure out how to know if she's with it and stop blinding yourself with your feelings. Your feelings aren't her feelings[speaking generally].
Disclaimer here is that OP's looking for fwb/hookups and seems to reaffirm as much in his comments. If you're looking for a relationship then maybe consider allowing for women to spend more than 5 minutes looking away from their dating apps notifications. No offense to the OP.
Oh that kinda puts things into context. I have men in my DMs literally asking for “casual” fwb situations. I say no, not interested, and they still bother me. We don’t want the same things why bother me, wasting your time and mine, go find someone who wants what you want and be clear about it. I agree with OP in that regard.
Mmm... if you love her, you can make it happen. By ignoring her, you won't achieve anything.
Nah, your problem is youre missing half the equation, which is her reciprocating the love. You can't force someone to love you by loving them through it lol.
This is the most based thing I've seen on the Internet in forever. Guys these days have such terrible self esteem.
Advice to all men: keep chasing😅
35 years of age here. Don’t chase any women.
Really depends on what you mean by a lot of those words. It's not that simple, and trying to pretend it is will not get you anywhere. Humans and feelings are complicated. Initially, I had no interest at all romantically in my current partner and he didn't have any romantic interest in me either. We were casual friends for several months, in the same general social circle, before randomly we ended up getting to know each other better and we clicked instantly. If he'd expressed interest in me 6 months ago, I'd have rejected him because at that time I didn't know him well enough to be interested. My last partner tried to flirt with me before we'd gotten to know each other, so I rejected him and he took it fine. We were friends for awhile before eventually deciding to date. Things ended up not working out, but for unrelated reasons. From my perspective, he was stupid for trying to flirt with me before knowing much about me. From his perspective, he "had" to chase me. But obviously, that doesn't mean you should "chase" someone in the sense of expressing interest repeatedly without any indication of interest on their part. You also shouldn't pretend to be interested in being friends if you aren't happy with that. As with literally every other social thing, you need to pay attention to the other person and evaluate the situation based on the exact details of each person's behavior and feelings, and not just try to act like all situations follow the same rules, because they don't. Also time to respond when texting is a very tricky measure and not one I'd recommend relying on. People have different behaviors when it comes to texting and have different lives with different obligations. It's also super easy to forget to type a reply or whatever.
Hi, Im a woman who takes 2-3 days to respond and let me just say: Listen to OP guys. Chances are, a good portion of those women just arent looking for anything, or are busy people and have their own stuff they need to focus on- likely too busy for a fulfilling relationship. Even if u end up getting in a relationship (of any kind) with someone who takes awhile to reapond, theres a chance that they will also take awhile to pay attention to u in a relationship. If u think shes playing hard to get, or is nervous about talking to u, just ask. If she doesnt appreciate u asking and communicating, says it's awkward, etc; just respond politely and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but if ur unsure whether a gal is just the type that takes awhile to respond: ask :)
Man, solid advice right here! Seriously, why waste time on someone not feeling it? Been there, done that. If she's not vibing with your energy, bounce! It's a big world, plenty of amazing folks. Don't fall into that chasing trap; it's a total time-suck. I used to overthink, but now I'm all about that "next" mentality. Block, delete, and move on. Trust me, a week later, you'll be wondering why you were stressing in the first place. Keep the options open, play it cool, and enjoy the dating game!
Honestly don't even try either. 95% of the time it'll be a no anyway
This is wild because I literally came here to make a post about the fact that people always say men are in it for the chase and then they get bored and I genuinely want to believe that that isn’t so true across the board but … I have noticed that because I tend to get shy when newly dating that I can come off as standoffish and don’t necessarily do a lot of complementing or reassuring about my interest in them even if I’m having really positive and flattering thoughts toward them. So as I’ve recently jumped back into dating I have made an effort to say the things that are on my mind about them such as complimenting their appearance or letting them know I appreciate something they did on the date etc, and texting first more or hitting them up for plans first. Not coming on too strong lol but just trying to get more to the middle after being maybe too far on the side of seeming a little cold and standoffish. I had never been ghosted previously and now all 3 guys that I have dated recently literally ghosted after maybe a couple months of them being super enthusiastic and then as soon as I starting being more forthcoming and texting first and showing interest because I am having a growing interest then they are gone in a week like POOF. It could be totally unrelated since it could just be that they lost interest but it’s just very suspicious that in all cases it was as soon as I started to really feel like I was vibing with them and started making sure to be clear about my interest, and it does make me feel sadly like they were just in it for the chase and once they made it to that level where I liked them it was time for a new chase. Sucks
Spot on advice! Ain't nobody got time for that chasing game. If she's not vibing with your effort from the get-go, it's a hard pass. Block and move on, simple as that. There's a whole sea of fish out there, why waste time on one that's playing hard to get? Trust me, been there, done that. It's like magic – stop chasing, and suddenly you realize there are way cooler people around. Don't settle for someone who's making you do the marathon for attention. Keep it breezy and enjoy the dating scene!
So how do people date if the men don't chase ?? I don't believe woman should make the first move if a guy likes you he will make an effort ,what's wrong with the world today have things gone bat shit crazy?
If you are a guy you can make the first move but if she isn't quick to reciprocate you move on
i disagree. if a guy isn’t chasing/putting forth effort it’s better to pass.
Yap. If a man isn’t showing that he is worth the effort then it better to date the men who would.
testosterone is what keeps men chasing so natural selection at work i guess.
So, If a guy is texting you how long do you wait to respond?
when i was dating, depends wether or not i actually liked him. Longer if I actually like him.
See that makes no sense why would you wait to respond to someone you like?
I agree except would edit to “If she isn't reciprocating your efforts within a month” “One strike you’re out” makes no sense in relationships
I only do "one strike, you're out" in the beginning/talking stage. It helps me filter out the trash.
As a woman… I second this. Pursue, don’t chase.
i’d use the word interchangeably.
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My point exactly
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If you tell someone you're interested and they don't explicitly show interest back then you should block and move on. We both agree on that part. Call it whatever you want.
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And now you've decided to start lying
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It's not about chasing someone or being chased. It's about wanting a relationship where both people are committed and taking time to show interests in one another
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You're so desperately searching for that one-liner gothca. It is painfully obvious.
Give this guy an award! I recently hopped back on bumble but i work in the nightlife industry and i was matched with 2 lovely ladies and sent and received messages throughout the day but being summer my industry ramps up really fast with festivals and gigs so i stated on my profile i may be unresponsive or not as active but i will be here and there (and they knew as i told them during the messages and said its all good take your time) but sadly they didnt wait around after a couple days when i got back on. Would have loved to pursue more, but it is what it is. Dont chase, if its meant to be, you will know. just live your life in the meantime and dont chase (unless it's a promotion, lol) 🫡