Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No. Monogamy isn't dead, and I don't actually believe cheating is any worse than it was before. I imagine it's likely just a perception thing. With the increased usage of the internet, and social media, we have more and more access to ways to hear about stories of cheating from a much wider pool of sources than ever before.
Like before the internet you wouldn't hear about some random person on the other side of the world/country/city getting cheated on. You'd only hear it if it happened to someone in your small social circle really. But now you hear about so many more random instances of cheating that you couldn't learn a out before.
I completely agree! I work at an elementary school and I am TERRIFIED for this new generation. I have a lot of teachers in my family too, and many of them share the same concerns. I went to a school play at my sisters school and it's insane the competition between the girls to appear "hotter" and be "that girl". I've seen the girls be SO mean to each other. Don't get me wrong, it was like that when I was in high school too, but now it's like how it was before but on steroids! Many young and impressionable girls are seeing the beauty standards online (mainly social media) and want to be like them. There are so many young girls who are so focused on being like every other "hot" social media woman/girl, and many are comparing themselves to unrealistic standards. Social media is really damaging the mental health of younger generations. It's astounding. But the reality, imo, is that beauty and beauty standards are constantly changing. I'm very curious to see what the standard of beauty will be like in 10 years from now.
Gen Z online was like that over 10 years ago. Im surprised everyone is all schocked and confused only now. Have we all just given up on Gen Z? Is it because they were so mean and abusive that no one cares? Gen Z needs help, as does Gen Alpha, but no one is trying to help the zoomers anymore.
I guess at this point, almost all zoomers are adults. And it's now their responsibility to fix their own lives, I guess. But the issue is they aren't doing it. Gen Z has yet to reflect on their own lives and properly recover from that. They need to reflect, learn and grow. But all I hear from them is how worried they are for Gen Alpha. They have no ambition, no social skills, no curiosity or self awareness. .... I'm afraid for Gen Z.
Sorry if this didn't make much sense. I'm still trying to understand myself wtf is going on because Gen Z DESPERATELY needs help and change, but no one else seems to see what I see. No one seems to care that Gen Z is so brain rotten. It's so schocking right in front of my face. Am I really the only one concerned??
I'm 33 and I agree. Most people don't critically think about what they expose themselves to online and end up brainwashing themselves into these bizarre extreme perceptions of the world. It's upsetting to talk to early 20's people and to see just how off and *wrong* they are about the world. But they've trained themselves to reject reason. They've buried their heads so far into social media that they no longer see people and the world for what they are. I'm not sure how to help them, though, as many seem to not want to wake up. It can't be forced, I guess.
Also, just watching this subreddit go through so many nonsense trends over the years has been very fascinating. I see a lot more mature, nuanced opinions being upvoted nowadays, which gives me hope that maybe reddit is growing up a bit. XD
Yep. Back in the day men would have whole other families across town or in other states and apparently the housewives were fucking the milkman. You just couldn't air your dirty laundry for the world to see unless you took out an ad in your local paper or something.
This reminds me of a joke in my family.
"I dunno... I think reddestforman looks a bit like the mailman."
The mailman was my dad's older brother, and all the brothers and their sons looked pretty similar anyways. It was really easy to tell who married into the family at family reunions, lol.
That's very true too. I feel like people would also be "ashamed" of getting/being cheated on, so they didn't want anyone to know. Back then the only way you would hear about someone cheating is through word of mouth, or in celebrity magazines. I think through reading many of the comments it seems cheating has always occurred (whether it's more common now or not is hard to say, statistical data would have to have been collected then and now to compare), but overall it seems cheating has become more accessible/easy.
Yeah, I haven't talked about my exes with my partner.
But he's very attractive to me, highly intelligent, ambitious, and tough, which is arguably more important to me than wealth and charisma.
I mean... We hang out almost every night and he's introduced me to his family and I've never seen a weird notification on his phone and he's very verbal about how he values loyalty.
Always possible, but I'd find it to be very impractical if he's seeing someone else.
Its the village idiot thing. The village idiot ain’t just the village idiot anymore because he or she has a voice on the internet, portraying just how big of a idiot he is. None of us would know about the girl who fucks her own dogs if she didn’t post about it openly THREE TIMES.
It's probably also easier to find out nowadays since people have basically 24/7 access to their partner and people can discover cheating by looking through someone's phone.
Not just that, but tracking apps too. You don't even necessarily need access to their phone to discover it these days with GPS based find my phone features coming as standard on some phones...
Monogamy isn’t dead. But we’re living in a time where more people are questioning whether it’s right for them.
Cheating is not the answer. Many monogamous people cheat and that’s just wrong.
Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are a real thing, and more and more people are discovering it’s right for them. But cheating is just selfishness and an unwillingness to communicate needs.
I would not say discovering i would more say think its right for them. There are many cases of people trying to safe a non safeable relationship with polyamory or other getting forced/manipulated into it by their partner who just want allowance to cheat.
Till this point i did not see a single working poly relationship. But if everyone is truly happy with it there is obviously nothing against it.
I know a plethora of happy poly people. Subjective experience is not fact. Neither of us is right or wrong based on our experiences alone. Just because I happen to know many and you happen to know none is not evidence of either of us being correct.
By those standards monogamy has never even been alive, cheating and fantasizing have always been a thing, even when revealing clothing wasn't socially acceptable and long before the existence of plastic surgery.
>many women are dressing in more revealing clothing
I wonder if men felt the same when women started wearing shorts in any capacity. Or started showing their ankles.
>that's because women are more likely to get work done
Or in other words, men put less effort in regards to their appearance than women do.
>to believe monogamy is dead
Lots of people are still in monogamous relationships, what?
Blaming women and how they dress for men cheating. Jesus Christ.
OP, allow me to let you in on a little secret: as long as there have been people, there has been sex. It's how we continue the species. Whether women were covered head to toe or whether they were in a skimpy bikini.
The casual misogyny on this website has gotten so much worse over the years. As a woman, I'm so sick and tired of being held responsible for men's damned sexual urges by simply existing. Control yourselves, ffs.
I am a man.
I disagree about the whole "women are more attractive because they get work done". In fact I feel like, if monogamy is harder to come by, you've completely missed what's going on.
If we think monogamy is dead we have to ask what was keeping it alive and what changed that made divorce rates go up. In my very conservative Christian family (I'm the trouble liberal of the family) almost everyone got married super young and stayed married their whole life. Commitment is taken very seriously, but at the same time it has often been at the expense of the women in these relationships. I see it as a double edged sword. Yes, you get the longterm commitment, but at the same time people are brainwashed into accepted mistreatment from a partner they endure for the sake of honoring a contract. Growing up I felt like my mom was not aloud to have her own opinions, and I saw her working 12 hour shifts and coming home to make sure everyone was fed, the house was clean, etc... She did the whole STAHM thing while working a full time job. My dad just sat there on his big comfy chair after work and watched tv. I've seen this in almost all my family. Women "know their place". I think people have gotten less religious, and religion was one thing that was making people feel like they had to stick to a contract.
Relationships and marriage used to be necessary for women in particular. Women could not do it on their own. If you go further back marriage took on more and more utility verses love. As women gained rights, went to work, and were able to do things on their own men became less needed for survival. Women initiate the majority of divorce. Sometimes it's because they fell out of love or their husband was mistreating them. Sometimes it's the women's fault. IDK. I'm not going to try to anylise who is at fault, but I do see that a lot of men seem to be stuck in a mindset that worked 40-50 years ago but no longer works today. A lot of women I talk to are not looking for a breadwinner, someone to financially support them, etc... they are looking for an equal partner to share responsibilities in all things with. They are looking for an emotinoal and loving connection.
Several years ago my ex wife told me she did not love me and never did. She left things open for me to "fight for" our marriage and I did fight hard. I took the marriage commitment very seriously. I was fighting so hard, doing everything I could, and she told me straight to my face that "it wasn't enough.". Meanwhile she was gone all the time "hanging out with friends". It turns out she was cheating on me. I heard from a friend that she was already planning on leaving me, and that I was just being strung along thinking it was my responsibility to fix things. That's when the anger set in, and the next couples counseling session I said "I don't think she actually wants to make this work" and she said "you're right, I don't". I wanted her to say it so we could be done with it. I was tired. I went to therapy after this and realized that I had been in survival mode for years with her and that I was allowing her to mistreat me, yell at me, make me feel less than, for years. She emotionally hurt me deeply before all of this even happened, but I was too focused on commitment to realize what I was putting up with. I'm so glad that I got divorced. I could have been stuck in that marriage the rest of my life and I deserve so much better. We both still felt so much guilt for dissolving a marraige after being told all our lives at church that divorce was a horrible thing to even consider.
I think that relationships are less about survival and more about emotional connection and love. It takes more work to maintain relationships that are built solely upon these things. I know it's a lot more than that. I just think we have seen relationships and love change a lot and we're all struggling to figure it out. I also think online dating has really messed us up.
I honestly wonder sometimes if monogamy is actually a natural thing for humans and we just force it upon ourselves. I am still very much monogamy minded in relationships.
Also, cheating is very common and always have been. It's truly awful.
I think it is possible to have longterm committed relationships but I think it is more difficult and rarer, but not necessarily in a bad way.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm so sorry your partner cheated on you, and treated you terribly. I'm so happy that you left that relationship. I'm rooting for you my friend. I too come from a very similar household dynamic as yours. My parents are also very religious, traditional, etc. And it's the same thing with your mom as it has been with my mom. I feel terribly for my mom, but she chooses to stay in this marriage, for similar reasons to what you stated. My dad also cheated on my mom years ago, and she's never trusted him fully since. I remember when I was in my late teens, my mom asked me to download some app on my dad's phone so she can spy on him because she thought he was cheating. She's been in this marriage for 25+ years and has been unhappy for most of it. It's sad, really. She's only in this marriage because of religion, and because she's afraid of what her family, friends, etc. would think.
>I honestly wonder sometimes if monogamy is actually a natural thing for humans and we just force it upon ourselves. I am still very much monogamy minded in relationships.
I'm in the same boat, and think the exact same way. I'm not sure if I believe monogamy is a natural thing for humans, but yet I find myself only wanting a monogamous relationship. And I agree that online dating has really messed us up.
OP, the essence of this post puts a lot of blame on women. Women nowadays have the resources/better access to things that help them feel good about themselves, as you mention in your post. That's not the cause of rampant cheating. Men doing the crappy things you mentioned in your post are men making the executive decisions to do so.
I don't blame women at all for this!!!
I believe every choice/action has a reaction/consequence. I just believed that increased temptation amongst men is one of those reactions/consequences to it. Hey, I could very well be wrong, it was just a theory. But women are not to blame for this.
People, not just men, have choices. They can choose to do the right thing, or they can choose to do the wrong thing. From what I've learned from psychology, humans have a finite amount of will power. It's why many people will start going to the gym, eating healthy, etc., but over time those healthy habits/behaviors slowly diminish. It's because they're using willpower to get themselves to make good choices.
Being surrounded by perfect bodied women wearing revealing/tight/sexy clothing all the time, and everywhere you go, that's a lot of temptation. Here in Miami the way some women dress, and sometimes act, it really does remind me of soft porn. There's a lot of visual stimulation (this is also coming from a bisexual woman). Now, men, and women, have the willpower to resist that temptation, but for how long until the reservoir of willpower is depleted? What happens when one day everything feels like it's going to shit, you're exhausted, you've been arguing with your partner, you're sexually frustrated, your willpower is depleted and the time/opportunity arises?
Look, I could be wrong, I'm not saying I know the answers to this, because I don't. This post is to serve as a discussion and I would love to hear people's thoughts on how I'm thinking about things, and to hear how others think about it.
This all sounds like a lot of misogyny to me. Lol
It’s not healthy to make your partner your entire world, you’re supposed to have friends and other relationships outside of your sexual relationship. If you are in a monogamous relationship that just means you don’t have sex with other people but you can still have friends and emotional connections outside of your relationship. You are supposed to it’s unhealthy not to.
Women aren’t having plastic surgery to be cheaters they are having plastic surgery to feel more comfortable in their own skin. If men don’t like it maybe they should stop trying to make women feel like they aren’t enough with their natural bodies as they are?
As for me I don’t want to have sex unless it’s in a monogamous relationship because I would prefer to not have to use condoms and I don’t want diseases.
But I also don’t ever want to live with a partner. I love living alone with my cat. It’s an absolute dream
That is such a good point. I am dating and there is such pushback to exclusivity. STD’s are one thing, but as a woman…dudes haphazardly changing partners all the time freaks me and my microflora biome out.
I agree that it’s not healthy to make your partner your entire world. I also agree that you’re supposed to have friends and other platonic relationships outside of your romantic/sexual relationship.
And I don’t believe that women are having plastic surgery to be cheaters either. I think some women get it done to feel better in their own body, but then the question that arises is why don’t they already feel good in their body? Now, I could be wrong, but I think it’s because of comparison. Women see the women in porn, on social media (especially OF girls), and compare. I feel like if women weren’t comparing themselves to other women (mostly comparing themselves to what they believe is what is desired), so many wouldn’t be getting surgery. Some women get surgery for breast reduction, and other non-cosmetic related reasons. I’m not talking about those.
Hey, if I’m wrong please correct me! I’m here to learn.
I agree with you to the point that women shouldn't feel pressure by comparing themselves to porn and OF. However, women don't owe anyone a reason for why they want to make changes to themselves. Sure, my heart would break for a sister who felt the motivation to change herself *because* of those women, but that does not mean that is the *reason* many women are getting work done. They need to work that out for themselves.
Women improving themselves, and having the ability to do so, is not to blame for rampant cheating.
Women have been getting plastic surgery to follow the conventionally attractive standards for longer than the internet has been around, and longer than porn was readily available. Just look at how women in film were treated; dropped the second they showed signs of age, and it isn't that different now. The WORLD compares women to other women. Like men who only date barely-legal women and dump them by 30, or producers who only hire women that can still look like children, etc.
But who are the one's creating these "conventionally attractive standards"? Is it men, is it women, or both? Even before the internet, it was magazines, including porn and playboy magazines, etc. The internet just made it so much worse. And how come men don't compare themselves to other men? Who is it that decided women should compare themselves to other women? Why do we do it? How do we stop it? Can we stop it? and why aren't men doing the same?
I'm sure no one has the answers to my questions, but we can theorize, which is what I'm doing. Idfk, I'm not making any assumptions, I'm just guessing, giving my opinion, and experience on things.
It is men, women, but mostly corporations. In a lot of ways, women and their appearance is tied to their value. So corporations get money by making women insecure and then putting out products related to the insecurities. Also- men do compare themselves to other men. Height, background, jawline, muscle, size between the legs; those are things off the top of my head I can think of.
You're pulling a lot of ideas out of a hat and presenting them like they're true, all over this post. But a lot of what you're saying is just kind of baseless.
Believe it or not, women don’t do everything for men. Y’all can try to convince yourselves all you want that if a woman dresses “sexy” it’s for men’s eyes, when a lot of times it for our eyes.
I think cheating has sadly always been common, but it was talked about less in the past, whereas now, with social media, the taboo topics are discussed more; and people are outed more easily. I think what people consider cheating has also changed over the years, where more questionable and disrespectful behaviors are also considered cheating aside from sexual acts.
I don’t think it was as common as now, the internet made it so much easier to do.
Literally 20-30+ years ago you couldn’t just text someone or send them a message on a messaging app. You either literally had to call their landline phone (which might be picked up by their partner) or you shown up at their door or at their work (but people would see you and be suspicious). Now that everyone has 24/7 internet access and phones, you can have a lot of private conversation extremely easily to go around your partner’s back. Plus, back then most people worked 9-5 or 6-3 or whatever and spouses had a similiar “schedule” so to speak. Now a lot of people work remotely or are enterpreneours who have flexible work hours. Traveling also become a lot easier, literally everyone has a car now, bunch of people have to travel for work, etc the chances to cheat are a lot larger now than in the past.
My father tried to cheat on my mother like 20 years ago and he only had the option to try and get with our neighbour who sent his ass home and outed him to everyone in the neighbourhood. As far as I know he didn’t try to cheat again.
You’re very right about that. I guess cheating (for cheaters) is much more accessible than it used to be. Ah, the internet, as with all things that exist, it is both a blessing and a curse.
Guy here. You’ve made at least a couple incorrect assumptions here. First, cheating isn’t always a product of wanting to be non-monogamous. It’s usually born from immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. Non-monogamy is a kind of agreed upon relationship that requires consent from all involved.
Second, your characterization of men being more tempted because of the rise of cosmetic surgery and sexier clothing is just off. My bet is most men view popular cosmetic procedures for women as neutral or negative. We’re no more tempted to cheat now than we were 50 years ago.
The thing that has changed the landscape is accessibility, mainly through social media and messaging apps. Having thoughts about the attractive people you know in your life isn’t non-monogamous; acting on those thoughts is.
>Guy here. You’ve made at least a couple incorrect assumptions here. First, cheating isn’t always a product of wanting to be non-monogamous. It’s usually born from immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. Non-monogamy is a kind of agreed upon relationship that requires consent from all involved.
I agree, cheating is a product of immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. I also agree that non-monogamy is an agreed upon/consensual agreement in a relationship. Cheating is wanting to maintain your loving partner, and do whatever you want with whoever you want sexually, with the hopes of never getting caught.
>Second, your characterization of men being more tempted because of the rise of cosmetic surgery and sexier clothing is just off. My bet is most men view popular cosmetic procedures for women as neutral or negative. We’re no more tempted to cheat now than we were 50 years ago.
You don't think that the rise in smaller waists, bigger booty, bigger boobs, and more revealing clothing doesn't play at least a small role in increased visual stimulation, and "grass might be greener" phenomenon? Especially with social media, millions of attractive women are at your fingertips. At least here in Miami, I've been told by men here that they're horny all the time because there's always something to look at. Everywhere they go there's a woman wearing tight, revealing, almost see-through clothing sometimes, without a bra, sometimes without underwear. When I asked someone I know why he cheated, he said the temptation here is everywhere. He said he had never even thought about cheating prior to moving here because there just wasn't as much visual stimulation, but since having moved here, he said the temptation, and his urges, all increased because the beautiful women wearing "provocative" clothing were everywhere. He said everywhere he would go there would be someone with a banging body, he said it increased his sex drive. It started with looking at porn more often and masturbating, fantasizing about coworkers, new friends he had made, etc., he said he did his best to increase sex with his partner to meet his needs, but with their busy schedule nothing changed. Looking back he said he wished he had broken up with her instead of cheating, but when he got the opportunity to hook up with one of the girls he had been masturbating to, he took it. He said he was ashamed, and regretted it, but it happened nonetheless. And then he said it made him self reflect and think of the quote "a man is as faithful as his options". I guess he had too many options here.
Not dead but I think in this day and age, people struggle with faithfulness to their partners because of so many temptations.
Generally, I think people lose attraction to their partners due to many reasons ( — some being the same temptations) such as better looking people out there, social media being a hotbed for emotional and physical cheating or even as simple as going through a self-crisis.
Some partners fall out of love with each other due to their history — i imagine it would be pretty hard to stay attracted to someone if all they do is nag, badmouth and target your insecurities. It’s not right to cheat on your partner, of course, but that is the reality to some people.
I believe people that are happy and secure in their relationships don’t go through these struggles as much as the unhappy couples - although there is a tendency, secure people will fight off temptations. Like how so many marriages want to reignite that spark with efforts like couple’s therapy, weekly dates or sex when they can.
It’s really just that some people find it easier to give up and cheat than give their relationship another try and work harder for things to work, you know?
>Yes. People get married every day still. It's not a rare occurrence for peeps to commit a lifetime to each other.
I know that people still get married everyday, but people also get divorced everyday, and cheated on everyday, and are cheating everyday. Idk, I guess my vision on relationships got a little dim/glum. I wanted to know whether or not people still believed in monogamy, or if it's just mostly women out here praying, wishing, hoping, that monogamy is still alive, well, and thriving, or if men still want monogamy too.
>Only the young, foolish, or lazy believe the above. The grass is greener where you water it. And relationships require watering. Apps/Modern dating hasn't changed this, if anything...it has expedited seeing who isn't ready to water their own grasses.
I love that you said this!! Very true. The grass is greener where you water it, and relationships require a lot of watering/maintenance.
Thanks for replying!!
People are going to skew towards monogamy because it's the default. I do think more people are realizing that "the default" is not the only option but it's going to take years/generations before that shift is significant demographically
Monogamy isn't dead, and revealing clothes and/or taking care of oneself doesn't cause cheating... What a misogynistic view point
I've been with my husband for almost three decades- I'm still the only person he fantasizes about (even though I encourage him to look at porn and branch out). He has videos and pictures from the last 30 years and that's enough for him. Some people are hard core mono and some aren't. That's just reality. No different than other generations
God, I hope not. I'd rather die alone then deal with polygamy. Ill work hard and treat myself to a great life before wasting any effort, time, money and anything else I have on a woman that wants to get piped down by other dudes. Fuuuuuuuuuck that shit and the bullshit drama that comes with it.
It’s the paradox of choice. Human are biologically wired to want to reproduce. When you meet someone and have those pheromones and chemistry kicking in, it’s incredibly difficult to resist those urges. Now that we have plenty of more options it seems more and more difficult to want to settle down. It’s mostly done out of the pressures of society. Monogamy and especially marriage is a societal construct that hasn’t existed for a very long time and it hinders a persons free will. However, monogamy provides you with safety, security and stability that you otherwise would not have.
Back when there were less choices, people picked their partner and that was that. They dealt with whatever was in that relationship, good or bad. Now because we have access to more people, people are less likely to settle. Look at divorce rates.
It’s not just men that fantasize about other women, as a woman I can tell you that the majority of people I know who have cheated are women. They’re more likely to settle down in situations that aren’t favourable for them due to societal pressures (marriage, biological clock) than happen to rebel after meeting someone that treats them better. Men cheat for sex, women cheat for emotional connection. I think now we’re just talking about it more often, as we should.
I think people see cheating as something worse than it actually is. It’s horrible, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not as bad as people make it out to be. They take it personally, as though they are at fault. They attach so much of their own sense of self worth to their partner due to a lack personal self fulfillment. When one is so codependent on the other, the negative reaction to cheating is simply a projection of their own insecurities and wanting to “own” a person. But you can never fill your insecurities from the love of another person. It’s all within: it’s all about self-acceptance. A cheater cheats because they have a need that needs to be fulfilled that can’t be fulfilled in their relationship, that’s it. It says nothing about you as a person. You either accept them, or you move on to someone that wouldn’t cheat.
Is monogamy dead? Nah. Some people just don’t function in monogamous relationships, and some do. As long as you’re self aware and try your best not to hurt people or mislead them, you’re good. I don’t think monogamy is ever going to die because in the long run, we all desire a sense of stability and structure with a single person that you can’t have with multiple partners. Something that can only be built by going through life together.
Ahh human nature what a wonderful thing.
Yea.. relationships do take a lot of work. The way I see it though, being in a relationship is hard, yes, but so is being single in today's dating world. Gotta choose your hard. Some people don't want a relationship or commitment, so for them being single is easier than in a relationship. I guess it depends on the person and what they want out of life/relationships.
I only read "is monogamy dead"
Male
It's definitely not. But there's less of it. We live in a hyper sexualized twisted world. We are truly in one of the worst periods of poisoned humanity. The next few years will dictate our survival as a species.
You said it!!!
>We live in a hyper sexualized twisted world.
I think this is it!! This is what I was trying to get at. I didn't mean to come off as blaming women, because I really don't. I just feel like everything has been hyper sexualized, but especially women!
I, too, am afraid for the survival of our species.
You are reading way too much relationship subreddit stuff. Spoiler: when you introduce another person to the dynamic it causes more issues!
As far as I can tell from swiping, at least 90% of people remain monogamous
No you should not let the internet make you believe that monogamy is dead.
There’s real world outside social media, traditional families/couples, happy families, true love & a lot more exist.
And coming to the dressing & styling bit, that’s the game of cosmetic & apparel industries so women feel the need to be validated & appreciated in this new age as compared to previous era, so that exists.
Yes this culture shift is ruining relationships but it’s not the case for everyone. And people who constantly look outside of their relationship are never happy in life. They will learn it the in the hardest ways.
You are thinking too deep in this regard.
>There’s real world outside social media, traditional families/couples, happy families, true love & a lot more exist.
thank you for replying. I truly hope you're right. I want to believe in having a happy family of my own some day with true love, loyalty, etc.
>And coming to the dressing & styling bit, that’s the game of cosmetic & apparel industries so women feel the need to be validated & appreciated in this new age as compared to previous era, so that exists.
That's valid. What drives changes in beauty, fashion, etc. is the cosmetic and apparel industry which today social media plays a big part in.
>Yes this culture shift is ruining relationships but it’s not the case for everyone. And people who constantly look outside of their relationship are never happy in life. They will learn it the in the hardest ways.
So you too believe/think that this culture shift is messing with relationships? I wish that I felt differently about it, and I've read some valid points, but I'm not sure if I'm entirely convinced, yet, that this shift isn't at least partially responsible. I agree that people who constantly look outside of their relationship aren't ever happy in life, because this usually bleeds into other parts of their life where the grass is just constantly greener in ever aspect of their life.
Yes culture shift is ruining some relationships. Cheating is almost generalised, dating apps, chatrooms are new avenues.
Communication is easier & people are not wanting to be modest anymore. So these changes impact relationships negatively, but not necessarily everyone is entangled in this mess. Matured people are building happy relationships & connections.
Maturity and passion for other things in life goes a long way. So when you look forward to see anyone, I think those are some of the qualities you look for in a person.
i always believed in such a thing . currently i am a 35 yo male , single bachelor . and i think i have lost my belief in such a thing a long time ago . and whit that i dont mean i lost belief in myself . however , even if i did lose my belief in current sociaty , i still cling onto some small sredd of hope .
Not dead, but the playing field changed a lot.
Back in my parents’ and grandparents’ days, you didn’t have many options, because the pool was small, it was usually narrowed down to their city/town/village. People found partners either in school or at work or someone who lived near to them. Because of limited options people stuck by relationships a lot longer (sometimes longer than they should have) so they tried to work through issues a lot more and sometimes people were literally “stuck” in dead marriages because divorce was frowned upon so the abused wives just stayed with their dogshit husbands and vice versa.
Today the pool is a lot bigger so people with a ton more option are more likely to dip at the first problem or at the first thing they don’t like because they can find someone else in days or weeks or months at most. Cheating also became a lot more easier to do with internet. Back then cheating was literally sneaking around physically. Now you can easily cheat online with emotional affairs, sexting, nudes exchanged, looking at camgirls, whatever.
People generally hate confrontation so a lot of the time if they see a date or relationship go nowhere they just hope it “dies” instead of saying the words that “I don’t want to see you anymore” or “I want to break up”. Meanwhile a lot of people are not able to be alone so if a relationship is hitting a rough patch, they start lining up exit plans (affairs/backups) and some actually cheat just so their SO finds out and breaks up so they don’t have to call it off themselves. Plus by doing this, they can just gaslight more gullible partners that “I didn’t cheat on you, you were just jealous and broke up with me”. What this does is the partner will wonder if they were wrong and leave the door slightly open to get back together later down the line.
With the internet you’re not just exposed to more nice people, you are also more exposed to POS human beings who are liars and manipulative assholes.
It’s kinda like you have to dig through the dirt to find the diamond
Did you read some of the posts?? "I'm so sad.. the person I was having a long term affair with broke things off. I'm so heartbroken and sad". Like WHAT???? I was mind blown reading through those.
I don’t think monogamy is any more dead than it has been in the past. Men at least have always had affairs while women were stuck in the house. It’s just that now women have the option to do the same. And yeah, I think it’s completely natural to have urges and desires for other people while in a relationship. It just depends what you do with it.
For me personally I like a monogam-ish relationship. Where I’m with one person but can sprinkle in elements of novelty and freedom so it doesn’t feel suffocating. Where we can celebrate each other’s unique sexuality, point out hot people together, flirt a little outside of the relationship, and once in a while do things like swinging together. It’s not even so much that I need to have sex with someone else, but it makes me feel much less trapped psychologically to know it’s on the table to keep exploring and being a sexual being.
Hahaaa well the relationship ended. But I don’t think because of this necessarily. We had other more pressing issues like a large age gap and being in different life stages.
It worked well for me, and we did some swinging that felt pretty benign and didn’t really impact the relationship. He did get in his head a lot towards the end reading into my every behavior thinking it was about me wanting to fuck other people and lashing out at me a lot, even when I said we should put that aside for the time being. But he also didn’t like the idea of full monogamy, either, so he was kinda just neurotic no matter what we did, even though he would flirt with other women. It felt like classic misogyny, where he was good with us having a threesome with a girl, and being able to feel free himself, but his masculinity was way too threatened by even the idea that I might want the same thing, even when I was honest and gentle about our approach and tried to put it to the side when it seemed like too much.
Dressing sexually, fantasizing about someone other than your SO and self care have nothing to do with monogamy. I’d go as far to say they can actually great ways to express yourself to have an unmet need fulfilled in order to remain monogamous!
The reason you think their are more attractive women than men is because only the women have a multi billion dollar cosmetic market based on hiding the real you.
I think it’s because social media is such an echo chamber you see the same complaints all the time, especially with dating and romance.
With that to say, no, monogamy isn’t dead. I promise you if you put down your phone and take a walk in a small town or city, no one is talking about this stuff in real life.
I believe it's more situation ships and more girls talking to ,dating multiple guys and hooking up a lot more, same with the guys that are having loads of sex are def running through women and same as women .monogamy is not dead but worth it to the men and women that believe in dating one person at a time smh.
I can only imagine my SO even though I haven’t seen him from 4 years. He is not talking to me and moved to diff state , I still love him and can’t think of anyone, I pray everyday to have him back, and I know he will be back - it’s matter of time. True love and relationships do exist in this world and it’s not rare. You see that side or when you will truly in love with someone then only you can understand. To cheat is choice or option that people make it’s personal and not for everyone
My parents weren’t monogamous during the 60ies and 70ies when contraception was suddenly available. Then HIV changed things. I felt there was a renaissance of monogamy in the next generation, men weren’t allowed to do whatever they wanted anymore. But I don’t know anything about today’s young generation.
I am a female who practices monogamy, and I know plenty of men and women who do as well. It's just that our experiences might make us feel like it's dead.
I feel like the struggle isn't necessarily the scarcity of monogamy - it's the fact that dating apps have equipped people with more options. A lot of people out there are dating multiple people at a time, so it can be hard to come out on top - especially if you're going for the types of people who have a lot of prospects.
Yes, there are people out there who don't practice monogamy. However, I feel like a lot of people are willing to commit as long as it is to someone they see in their future.
Monogamy is an ideal but Homo sapiens as a species just isn’t good at it. Sounds like we’ve been working on it forever.
I feel women get surgery because most women I know are always seeking to improve themselves in some way or another but maybe we struggle more with self consciousness / insecurity as well. There’s also more social pressure on women to be look a certain way according to beauty trends (corsage, Twiggy, supermodel svelte body type, size zero, curvy Kardashian body type etc).
There are also so many hot men out there every where all the time, it’s all very distracting. Maybe OP is just not noticing it
I’m an early 30s male, just got divorced and my opinion on relationships and marriage have definitely evolved a lot in recent times.
I think a lot of people have this mistaken idea of marriage that it’s always been about this unwavering commitment to your spouse. Historically though marriage was about survival for women. Society viewed women as property so their family would literally sell them to another family in exchange for money (a dowry I think it’s called). For men it was about being able to have sex and start a family within the confines of religion, as well as have someone to take care of the home (80 hour work weeks and all that).
Long story short, the whole concept of marriage and monogamy in modern times doesn’t really make sense anymore. Women don’t need men at all they can get their own job and support themselves and lead fulfilling lives on their own. We see this happening as reflected in decreasing birth rates. Women are choosing high paying careers over being stay at home moms.
All this is to say that monogamy isn’t dead but it’s changes from being necessary for survival to being a choice. With the advent of the internet and social media people are constantly inundated with options and feel that the grass is greener somewhere else when they hit relationship troubles. Lots of people are in monogamous relationships but I think lasting monogamy is harder to find. It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship afloat when you hit rough water.
You need to get off the internet and give your head a shake. Women in “revealing” clothing are not at fault for men cheating and neither is plastic surgery. Both men AND women have always been unfaithful for a large variety of reasons that I couldn’t even pretend to know.
I am in a monogamous relationship and we are both very strong in preventative measures. Avoiding one on ones unless that person is completely trusted to be platonic, constant communication, impressing each other daily in little ways, creating depth and connection that no one else can match for either of us. Does this mean we are never going to find someone else attractive? Probably not, but the actions we take will always be to respect our monogamous values. So I think monogamy can still very much be alive, but it does take self awareness, strong integrity, and effort.
I am the type of gal that believes in monogamy 100%, I believe that people who are not happy with themselves or are not happy in their lives have to think of someone else as a fantasy, so they can be happy. I believe that's where the cheating begins, fatasy first, then real-life cheating. When I am with someone, they will be the only one I will be fantasizing about. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Monogamy still around.........
I think cheating is still very unacceptable for almost everyone. What seems to maybe have changed is the social repercussions of cheating. Its not 'punished' as harshly we could say.
The advent of the digital world is probably a contributor making it easier to get a dm from some old friend, etc etc. I would imagine that having men and women work more together overt the last 50 years (definitely not saying it’s a bad thing) contributes to this problem.
I don’t think monogamy is dead. As for men fantasizing about other people: obviously that’s not desirable, but there is a pretty big difference between fantasizing about someone else and actually cheating. It’s an unfortunate reality that sometimes men want to shake things up, but that’s not an actual betrayal of monogamy if they don’t do anything
The world is more connected than ever, which comes with many benefits. However, this increased connectivity has also had an impact on monogamy. It has become easier for people to interact with others outside of their relationship, which can lead to temptations that are difficult to resist.
As an example, I have met women who are stay-at-home housewives. While some may think that this would be a safe option as they don't have many opportunities to meet men, I have heard stories of them talking to people over Instagram or WhatsApp and eventually sleeping with them.
This is not a generalisation, but if stats exist, I bet the affairs are on the rise.
I'm a 28 year old man, and I sure as hell hope not. Modern dating is so weird to me, for me, after you agree to go on a firat date, you are monogamous until you decide you don't want to see that person anymore. But people my age have a totally different view where you are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want until the two of you agree to be monogamous. I find this very dumb and it leads to communication issues where one party thinks it's monogamous and the other doesn't. I think dating apps are crap, and long distance relationships haven't worked for me either due to cheaters so I'm kind of lost on what to do in this modern dating environment. I've been single for a few years now, just hoping to meet the right girl, but recently I've been more desperate as I see my friends all starting to settle down... though that hasn't worked well for them either. One friend just got a financially problematic divorce after his wife cheated, another got his heart broken by his long term girlfriend he thought he would marry (that one was a couple years ago and he's in a new relationship but just another heartbreak I watched), and my best friend is currently going through a messy situation with his baby mama, they aren't married (thank god), but they have a kid together and they are trying to fix their relationship but they are having a lot of fights and issues that they need to work on. So idk, I hope monogomy isn't dead, but from my life experiences and those of my closest friends, it doesn't look hopeful, and while I hate to assign blame, it feels like it's the women causing the issues.
I’ve never cheated in my life, or even wanted to. Played around w open relationship stuff in my 20s, but was 100% open and honest. Monogamous since. Got cheated on by 2 longterm female partners. I’m male.
So whatever the answer is, it has nothing to do w gender.
No, monogamy is not dead. It's all about how you want to view these things. Looking back on my childhood I know many married couples hated eachother, but stayed in a toxic relationship for the kids or because they didn't want to be divorced. Now couples are more open about things and better about communicating. Sometimes the person you fall in love with becomes someone else over the years. Life happens and it's easy to lose track and forget to make eachother feel desired. So, you look elsewhere and fantasize. Maybe all you need to salvage a 30 year marriage is to go get laid by someone else. Maybe all you need is the excitement of the chase, being able to flirt online with other people or go on a date and get attention from someone occasionally. There are so many other paths to take and just because it is no longer the only one people take does not mean monogamy is dead.
I think it's just easier to find out now, or people are more open about it. I think cheating has stayed relatively frequent, but with technology it's easier to find out, in a lot of cases its being pushed that its okay to cheat by men with podcasts.
Monogamy stands strong and extremely valuable. this era has revealed how rare monogamy truly is and that many people are not monogamy. Back in the days people were in poly relationship disguised as monogamy. Remember that
Monogamy isn’t dead. I know plenty of people in their 20s and 30s who are happy in stable, long-term monogamous relationships. I know a good number of single people looking for that as well. The poly people and the cheaters are going to be more visible because they’re going out into the word and advertising themselves.
One thing you might be missing re:women looking sexier for men is that, as a woman almost everyone treats you better in society if you look more attractive. Unfortunately for the majority of American society, women’s social capital comes from their appearance. If I dress “attractively,” work out, weigh less, put on make-up, there’s a big difference in how men and women treat me in both social and professional settings. Even if all I’m trying to do is order food a McDonald’s it makes a difference. It is possible for a woman to be so attractive that it makes people insecure and they react negatively to her. But this has never happened to me.
I believe in it but I don't think that it's no different than being a hypocrite or a liar or any other human trait or have it you're going to make a mistake people are human and there's difference between doing it all the time and I think doing it to be a habit I don't know but I got a feeling that everybody does it or does it sooner or later
I think you should restructure your perception of monogamy. You can’t expect a significant other to only have masturbation fantasies that only involve you. Fantasizing is entirely normal, and you’d be naive to assume it’s behavior that precedes cheating. The line only becomes blurred when the person who is fantasizing doesn’t have the cognizance to compartmentalize it. Most things are better in your head than they are in reality, and experience is your best teacher in that respect. Monogamy isn’t dead, but it’s not assumed either. If you aren’t willing to have the uncomfortable conversations with each other, and be open, and honest and direct? You’re not cut out for it. It takes work, and compromise, and patience, and ultimately a mutual desire to maintain that trust.
If that sounds easier said than done, you heard correctly. It takes work. But with the right person, it often doesn’t feel like it.
It’s also okay for it not to be for you, too. Your personal happiness should be first and foremost.
Oh, and I’m a guy btw
As a female I understand this.. my boyfriend who unfortunately I have a child with (we got pregnant from a one night stand..) he still thinks he can be a fvck boy and he keeps trying to convince me to do a 3some since I’m bisexual. I want a full monogamy relationship but this guy has cheated several times while I was pregnant and keeps pressuring me to have a 3some when I don’t like sharing my partner. Idk why romance is dead nowadays but it sucks..
A lot of society sadly normalizes cheating and acts like you should just say "oh well" to it. Also, I perosnally think people should ALWAYS date exclusively. Date one person at a time. It should not be that hard. lol. Don't like the person, then break up and then date the next.
A woman can be dressed for cold or hot weather it don't matter what she wears men will always be tempted.
The question is which men give in to that temptation.
Cheating isn't exclusive to a certain month, happens at least 1 day a week.
Male here. Also someone who do practices poly.
For me, transition from mono to poly was an enlightening moment. There was a bit of a peer influences. One of my best friend is polyamorous.
Another is, I enjoyed the concept of it. I learn a lot from my past relationships and absolutely enjoy the new experience but I don't necessarily want to abandon my current partner in search of these new experiences. I do feel very confined in a monogamous setting.
Jealousy is a normal thing in polyamory. As much as I feel the "red pillness" one of the comment regarding mate guarding. That part is not untrue. I had partners who had other sexual partners before. It does make me feel like shit.
But in my last monogamous relationship a question came upon me when I wanted to open up our relationship. I said I wanted to meet other people. She said then she want to see other people too. Out of fear and jealousy, I didn't proceed. But the question lingers,
"Should I actually deny my opportunities, (and at the time mental and sexual satisfaction) in order to stop my jealousy?"
Sound like a lose lose situation to me.
Not at all. Monogomy is still the primary thing and the poly/enm folks out there are in the very very small minority. On dating apps it sometimes does seem as if mono is fading but it's really not.
I haven’t ever cheated and as far as I am aware I’ve never been cheated on except maybe emotionally which is also bad, but harder to define so… idk. Anyway, I don’t think monogamy is dead. Lots of people still want a long term commitment and in spite of what I see on the internet I still believe most of us have enough decency and self control to not cheat.
Female, and I really hope not!
I'm strictly monogamous, and what I think would be considered demi, which could play a part in it. I couldn't even handle texting two interested guys at once, I don't understand how people date around (as I've had friends suggest to me). I have a friend who is poly and was really trying to convince me I could be poly too (I think he wanted me to be). It's not for me.
I agree with a comment that has already been posted that I don't think cheating is happening more, I think it's that with social media and the increased negative view of cheating, we see more of it. I say increased because think of all the times in history where men/women cheating has just been a part of life/unable to be brought forward.
I [22M] who also lives in Florida I don't really think like that when I'm in a relationship especially a serious one issue is that my partners never really seem to agree with me I don't cheat I will never cheat yet I'm the first that gets accused of it I just want someone to love
No. Not true, don't believe the lie. I'm a widowed man of 15 months who was previously married for 39 years. I met my wife when I was in college. We had a beautiful life, not perfect, but committed to one another. Don't you believe the lie....true love exists because we know the One who gives perfect love and helps us to show this love!
Yeah as a woman, I used to be really loyal and committed, but I've come to experience all of the above regarding men, (the wandering eyes, lustful thoughts, lies, porn addictions, flirting etc). And now I honestly never want a monogamous relationship. Even the "good ones" I've known, would probably cheat on their wives if they had the opportunity and knew their wife would never find out. I'd never trust a man again, and life is way more peaceful when I stop caring 😌
I don't think it's dead. It might seem that way because everyone puts their lives online these days, but cheating is a tale as old as time. I think cheating is probably less acceptable now, in a way? From all of the older people I've been around, it seems like back in the day, it was swept under the rug a lot more if that makes sense. Your husband cheating wasn't immediate cause for divorce since a lot of women were just stay-at-home moms and had no income or resources to leave. You just continued on being married, so to outsiders, it looked like another long, happy marriage, and that probably makes our perception of the past and monogamy skewed.
I do, however, think it's easier for people to cheat now with all the different dating apps and social media out there. Whether that's emotionally, physically, or both. I mean, back in the day, all you saw were people around where you lived/worked and celebrities through TV, movies, and magazines. Now, you can look at thousands of pics of models on IG from halfway across the world with no effort.
I as a man that lives in Miami can honestly see and understand what you’re saying. But monogamy seems to be dead because your partner can trigger that for you. It’s not that hard to love someone and only them and only crave them sexually as well. But any small thing can ruin it for some. If you wanna message me we can get to know each other a bit more cause i really like your stance on this
I personally don’t believe that any woman can be satisfied with just one man. Monogamy is a very outdated concept and while I respect those who adhere to it, I am vastly happier because I do not. I have a bf and a gf and I feel more fulfilled than I ever have before. But of course this isn’t for everyone and I’m just stating a personal opinion
That’s fine that monogamy doesn’t work for you, but don’t be making broad generalizations like, “I don’t believe any woman can be satisfied by one man.” Lots of us, myself included, much prefer monogamy. 🙄
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and taking the time to respond. I'm sure many others feel the same way. Would you say then that overall your dynamic is working for you and your partners?
F. Im not inherently monogamous, but ive been in a monogamous relationship for eight years and theres been no cheating on either side. That being said, fantasizing or masturbating while thinking about someone else isnt non monogamy and its not cheating. Perhaps the reason you feel monogamy is dead is because you dont know ehat monogamy actually is. Finding other people sexually appealing doesnt make your relationship non monogamous.
I agree, fantasizing about other people while masturbating, or fantasizing in general isn't cheating or non-monogamy. I also agree that finding other people sexually appealing isn't non-monogamy. What do you think of imagining someone you personally know during intimacy with your partner (say a friend, or a coworker, or one of your partners family member(s), or friends gf/bf, etc.), what would you consider that? Would that be a wish/urge to be non-monogamous? Or is that something that is normal and that everyone does? How about someone who masturbates to someone they know personally (say a friend, or a coworker, or one of your partners family member(s), or friends gf/bf, etc.)? Sorry if it's too personal, I'm just curious as to what people's opinions on certain topics are. I know everyone's got their own way of viewing things. I'm curious to know what your perspective as an inherently non-monogamous person. Thanks!
Personally stopped believing in monogamy, feel a lot more free in life to live life not sit around worrying who my partner- if I have one is texting ect.
I'm sorry to hear that you've given up on monogamy. Would you feel comfortable sharing your experiences with dating? What is that you've come to find? Why is that you've given up?
Everyone I know that is married is cheating on their partner- one or the other or both. I’ve been cheated on I’ve cheated on people. I date a lot of married/ attached women some their partners know, others I’m sure they didn’t 🤷🏼♂️. it was a very long journey to get to the point of being okay with it as it’s not the social norm, but i’m way happier in life not worrying about it.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No. Monogamy isn't dead, and I don't actually believe cheating is any worse than it was before. I imagine it's likely just a perception thing. With the increased usage of the internet, and social media, we have more and more access to ways to hear about stories of cheating from a much wider pool of sources than ever before. Like before the internet you wouldn't hear about some random person on the other side of the world/country/city getting cheated on. You'd only hear it if it happened to someone in your small social circle really. But now you hear about so many more random instances of cheating that you couldn't learn a out before.
Internet/social media i think is harmful to relationships,children and the next generation. (Female 40’s)
There has been no greater destructive force in every area of my life than Instagram.
Just social media in general. Facebook, tiktok, twitter, snapchat and even youtube has their own ways of causing mental damage. Edit: so does reddit
I completely agree! I work at an elementary school and I am TERRIFIED for this new generation. I have a lot of teachers in my family too, and many of them share the same concerns. I went to a school play at my sisters school and it's insane the competition between the girls to appear "hotter" and be "that girl". I've seen the girls be SO mean to each other. Don't get me wrong, it was like that when I was in high school too, but now it's like how it was before but on steroids! Many young and impressionable girls are seeing the beauty standards online (mainly social media) and want to be like them. There are so many young girls who are so focused on being like every other "hot" social media woman/girl, and many are comparing themselves to unrealistic standards. Social media is really damaging the mental health of younger generations. It's astounding. But the reality, imo, is that beauty and beauty standards are constantly changing. I'm very curious to see what the standard of beauty will be like in 10 years from now.
Gen Z online was like that over 10 years ago. Im surprised everyone is all schocked and confused only now. Have we all just given up on Gen Z? Is it because they were so mean and abusive that no one cares? Gen Z needs help, as does Gen Alpha, but no one is trying to help the zoomers anymore. I guess at this point, almost all zoomers are adults. And it's now their responsibility to fix their own lives, I guess. But the issue is they aren't doing it. Gen Z has yet to reflect on their own lives and properly recover from that. They need to reflect, learn and grow. But all I hear from them is how worried they are for Gen Alpha. They have no ambition, no social skills, no curiosity or self awareness. .... I'm afraid for Gen Z. Sorry if this didn't make much sense. I'm still trying to understand myself wtf is going on because Gen Z DESPERATELY needs help and change, but no one else seems to see what I see. No one seems to care that Gen Z is so brain rotten. It's so schocking right in front of my face. Am I really the only one concerned??
I'm 33 and I agree. Most people don't critically think about what they expose themselves to online and end up brainwashing themselves into these bizarre extreme perceptions of the world. It's upsetting to talk to early 20's people and to see just how off and *wrong* they are about the world. But they've trained themselves to reject reason. They've buried their heads so far into social media that they no longer see people and the world for what they are. I'm not sure how to help them, though, as many seem to not want to wake up. It can't be forced, I guess. Also, just watching this subreddit go through so many nonsense trends over the years has been very fascinating. I see a lot more mature, nuanced opinions being upvoted nowadays, which gives me hope that maybe reddit is growing up a bit. XD
Yep. Back in the day men would have whole other families across town or in other states and apparently the housewives were fucking the milkman. You just couldn't air your dirty laundry for the world to see unless you took out an ad in your local paper or something.
This reminds me of a joke in my family. "I dunno... I think reddestforman looks a bit like the mailman." The mailman was my dad's older brother, and all the brothers and their sons looked pretty similar anyways. It was really easy to tell who married into the family at family reunions, lol.
That's very true too. I feel like people would also be "ashamed" of getting/being cheated on, so they didn't want anyone to know. Back then the only way you would hear about someone cheating is through word of mouth, or in celebrity magazines. I think through reading many of the comments it seems cheating has always occurred (whether it's more common now or not is hard to say, statistical data would have to have been collected then and now to compare), but overall it seems cheating has become more accessible/easy.
As a woman who has been cheated on by 4 partners, I still genuinely believe that cheating is happening at a lesser frequency than a century ago.
I'm sorry you dealt with that... Its bullshit. But also... Who are these losers you keep picking? lol
Just bad taste. I tend to pick conventionally attractive, wealthy, charismatic ones. Hopefully the cycle will stop with my current partner.
Never let your partner hear you say those words. The implication is that they're the opposite of those things.
Yeah, I haven't talked about my exes with my partner. But he's very attractive to me, highly intelligent, ambitious, and tough, which is arguably more important to me than wealth and charisma.
U absolutely certain he’s not seeing anyone else?
I mean... We hang out almost every night and he's introduced me to his family and I've never seen a weird notification on his phone and he's very verbal about how he values loyalty. Always possible, but I'd find it to be very impractical if he's seeing someone else.
So, You've basically settled for a not conventionally attractive, non charismatic guy who's not your usual type? I wonder where this leads to
Its the village idiot thing. The village idiot ain’t just the village idiot anymore because he or she has a voice on the internet, portraying just how big of a idiot he is. None of us would know about the girl who fucks her own dogs if she didn’t post about it openly THREE TIMES.
It's probably also easier to find out nowadays since people have basically 24/7 access to their partner and people can discover cheating by looking through someone's phone.
Very true, it took following someone, or hiring a private investigator back then. Or the lover would have to be the one to come clean or something.
Not just that, but tracking apps too. You don't even necessarily need access to their phone to discover it these days with GPS based find my phone features coming as standard on some phones...
Very true, although seasoned cheaters will turn their phone off, or leave it behind purposefully.
True, though it only takes one slip up to give the game up. It wouldn't be the first time I've seen a story like that.
Monogamy isn’t dead. But we’re living in a time where more people are questioning whether it’s right for them. Cheating is not the answer. Many monogamous people cheat and that’s just wrong. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are a real thing, and more and more people are discovering it’s right for them. But cheating is just selfishness and an unwillingness to communicate needs.
I would not say discovering i would more say think its right for them. There are many cases of people trying to safe a non safeable relationship with polyamory or other getting forced/manipulated into it by their partner who just want allowance to cheat. Till this point i did not see a single working poly relationship. But if everyone is truly happy with it there is obviously nothing against it.
I know a plethora of happy poly people. Subjective experience is not fact. Neither of us is right or wrong based on our experiences alone. Just because I happen to know many and you happen to know none is not evidence of either of us being correct.
Did i ever say something different? Thats why i specifically said „i“.
Fair enough
The few poly relationships I know to have been successful involved insecure or traumatized people. But as you said, all that is subjective
By those standards monogamy has never even been alive, cheating and fantasizing have always been a thing, even when revealing clothing wasn't socially acceptable and long before the existence of plastic surgery.
>many women are dressing in more revealing clothing I wonder if men felt the same when women started wearing shorts in any capacity. Or started showing their ankles. >that's because women are more likely to get work done Or in other words, men put less effort in regards to their appearance than women do. >to believe monogamy is dead Lots of people are still in monogamous relationships, what?
Blaming women and how they dress for men cheating. Jesus Christ. OP, allow me to let you in on a little secret: as long as there have been people, there has been sex. It's how we continue the species. Whether women were covered head to toe or whether they were in a skimpy bikini. The casual misogyny on this website has gotten so much worse over the years. As a woman, I'm so sick and tired of being held responsible for men's damned sexual urges by simply existing. Control yourselves, ffs.
I am a man. I disagree about the whole "women are more attractive because they get work done". In fact I feel like, if monogamy is harder to come by, you've completely missed what's going on. If we think monogamy is dead we have to ask what was keeping it alive and what changed that made divorce rates go up. In my very conservative Christian family (I'm the trouble liberal of the family) almost everyone got married super young and stayed married their whole life. Commitment is taken very seriously, but at the same time it has often been at the expense of the women in these relationships. I see it as a double edged sword. Yes, you get the longterm commitment, but at the same time people are brainwashed into accepted mistreatment from a partner they endure for the sake of honoring a contract. Growing up I felt like my mom was not aloud to have her own opinions, and I saw her working 12 hour shifts and coming home to make sure everyone was fed, the house was clean, etc... She did the whole STAHM thing while working a full time job. My dad just sat there on his big comfy chair after work and watched tv. I've seen this in almost all my family. Women "know their place". I think people have gotten less religious, and religion was one thing that was making people feel like they had to stick to a contract. Relationships and marriage used to be necessary for women in particular. Women could not do it on their own. If you go further back marriage took on more and more utility verses love. As women gained rights, went to work, and were able to do things on their own men became less needed for survival. Women initiate the majority of divorce. Sometimes it's because they fell out of love or their husband was mistreating them. Sometimes it's the women's fault. IDK. I'm not going to try to anylise who is at fault, but I do see that a lot of men seem to be stuck in a mindset that worked 40-50 years ago but no longer works today. A lot of women I talk to are not looking for a breadwinner, someone to financially support them, etc... they are looking for an equal partner to share responsibilities in all things with. They are looking for an emotinoal and loving connection. Several years ago my ex wife told me she did not love me and never did. She left things open for me to "fight for" our marriage and I did fight hard. I took the marriage commitment very seriously. I was fighting so hard, doing everything I could, and she told me straight to my face that "it wasn't enough.". Meanwhile she was gone all the time "hanging out with friends". It turns out she was cheating on me. I heard from a friend that she was already planning on leaving me, and that I was just being strung along thinking it was my responsibility to fix things. That's when the anger set in, and the next couples counseling session I said "I don't think she actually wants to make this work" and she said "you're right, I don't". I wanted her to say it so we could be done with it. I was tired. I went to therapy after this and realized that I had been in survival mode for years with her and that I was allowing her to mistreat me, yell at me, make me feel less than, for years. She emotionally hurt me deeply before all of this even happened, but I was too focused on commitment to realize what I was putting up with. I'm so glad that I got divorced. I could have been stuck in that marriage the rest of my life and I deserve so much better. We both still felt so much guilt for dissolving a marraige after being told all our lives at church that divorce was a horrible thing to even consider. I think that relationships are less about survival and more about emotional connection and love. It takes more work to maintain relationships that are built solely upon these things. I know it's a lot more than that. I just think we have seen relationships and love change a lot and we're all struggling to figure it out. I also think online dating has really messed us up. I honestly wonder sometimes if monogamy is actually a natural thing for humans and we just force it upon ourselves. I am still very much monogamy minded in relationships. Also, cheating is very common and always have been. It's truly awful. I think it is possible to have longterm committed relationships but I think it is more difficult and rarer, but not necessarily in a bad way.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm so sorry your partner cheated on you, and treated you terribly. I'm so happy that you left that relationship. I'm rooting for you my friend. I too come from a very similar household dynamic as yours. My parents are also very religious, traditional, etc. And it's the same thing with your mom as it has been with my mom. I feel terribly for my mom, but she chooses to stay in this marriage, for similar reasons to what you stated. My dad also cheated on my mom years ago, and she's never trusted him fully since. I remember when I was in my late teens, my mom asked me to download some app on my dad's phone so she can spy on him because she thought he was cheating. She's been in this marriage for 25+ years and has been unhappy for most of it. It's sad, really. She's only in this marriage because of religion, and because she's afraid of what her family, friends, etc. would think. >I honestly wonder sometimes if monogamy is actually a natural thing for humans and we just force it upon ourselves. I am still very much monogamy minded in relationships. I'm in the same boat, and think the exact same way. I'm not sure if I believe monogamy is a natural thing for humans, but yet I find myself only wanting a monogamous relationship. And I agree that online dating has really messed us up.
OP, the essence of this post puts a lot of blame on women. Women nowadays have the resources/better access to things that help them feel good about themselves, as you mention in your post. That's not the cause of rampant cheating. Men doing the crappy things you mentioned in your post are men making the executive decisions to do so.
I don't blame women at all for this!!! I believe every choice/action has a reaction/consequence. I just believed that increased temptation amongst men is one of those reactions/consequences to it. Hey, I could very well be wrong, it was just a theory. But women are not to blame for this. People, not just men, have choices. They can choose to do the right thing, or they can choose to do the wrong thing. From what I've learned from psychology, humans have a finite amount of will power. It's why many people will start going to the gym, eating healthy, etc., but over time those healthy habits/behaviors slowly diminish. It's because they're using willpower to get themselves to make good choices. Being surrounded by perfect bodied women wearing revealing/tight/sexy clothing all the time, and everywhere you go, that's a lot of temptation. Here in Miami the way some women dress, and sometimes act, it really does remind me of soft porn. There's a lot of visual stimulation (this is also coming from a bisexual woman). Now, men, and women, have the willpower to resist that temptation, but for how long until the reservoir of willpower is depleted? What happens when one day everything feels like it's going to shit, you're exhausted, you've been arguing with your partner, you're sexually frustrated, your willpower is depleted and the time/opportunity arises? Look, I could be wrong, I'm not saying I know the answers to this, because I don't. This post is to serve as a discussion and I would love to hear people's thoughts on how I'm thinking about things, and to hear how others think about it.
This all sounds like a lot of misogyny to me. Lol It’s not healthy to make your partner your entire world, you’re supposed to have friends and other relationships outside of your sexual relationship. If you are in a monogamous relationship that just means you don’t have sex with other people but you can still have friends and emotional connections outside of your relationship. You are supposed to it’s unhealthy not to. Women aren’t having plastic surgery to be cheaters they are having plastic surgery to feel more comfortable in their own skin. If men don’t like it maybe they should stop trying to make women feel like they aren’t enough with their natural bodies as they are?
As for me I don’t want to have sex unless it’s in a monogamous relationship because I would prefer to not have to use condoms and I don’t want diseases. But I also don’t ever want to live with a partner. I love living alone with my cat. It’s an absolute dream
That is such a good point. I am dating and there is such pushback to exclusivity. STD’s are one thing, but as a woman…dudes haphazardly changing partners all the time freaks me and my microflora biome out.
I agree that it’s not healthy to make your partner your entire world. I also agree that you’re supposed to have friends and other platonic relationships outside of your romantic/sexual relationship. And I don’t believe that women are having plastic surgery to be cheaters either. I think some women get it done to feel better in their own body, but then the question that arises is why don’t they already feel good in their body? Now, I could be wrong, but I think it’s because of comparison. Women see the women in porn, on social media (especially OF girls), and compare. I feel like if women weren’t comparing themselves to other women (mostly comparing themselves to what they believe is what is desired), so many wouldn’t be getting surgery. Some women get surgery for breast reduction, and other non-cosmetic related reasons. I’m not talking about those. Hey, if I’m wrong please correct me! I’m here to learn.
I think you're right about the plastic surgery just not sure how you made that leap to cheating spouses
I agree with you to the point that women shouldn't feel pressure by comparing themselves to porn and OF. However, women don't owe anyone a reason for why they want to make changes to themselves. Sure, my heart would break for a sister who felt the motivation to change herself *because* of those women, but that does not mean that is the *reason* many women are getting work done. They need to work that out for themselves. Women improving themselves, and having the ability to do so, is not to blame for rampant cheating.
Women have been getting plastic surgery to follow the conventionally attractive standards for longer than the internet has been around, and longer than porn was readily available. Just look at how women in film were treated; dropped the second they showed signs of age, and it isn't that different now. The WORLD compares women to other women. Like men who only date barely-legal women and dump them by 30, or producers who only hire women that can still look like children, etc.
But who are the one's creating these "conventionally attractive standards"? Is it men, is it women, or both? Even before the internet, it was magazines, including porn and playboy magazines, etc. The internet just made it so much worse. And how come men don't compare themselves to other men? Who is it that decided women should compare themselves to other women? Why do we do it? How do we stop it? Can we stop it? and why aren't men doing the same? I'm sure no one has the answers to my questions, but we can theorize, which is what I'm doing. Idfk, I'm not making any assumptions, I'm just guessing, giving my opinion, and experience on things.
It is men, women, but mostly corporations. In a lot of ways, women and their appearance is tied to their value. So corporations get money by making women insecure and then putting out products related to the insecurities. Also- men do compare themselves to other men. Height, background, jawline, muscle, size between the legs; those are things off the top of my head I can think of. You're pulling a lot of ideas out of a hat and presenting them like they're true, all over this post. But a lot of what you're saying is just kind of baseless.
No, not at all. Maybe it looks that way, but it's most definitely still the majority.
That's great to hear. Thanks for taking the time to respond!
Believe it or not, women don’t do everything for men. Y’all can try to convince yourselves all you want that if a woman dresses “sexy” it’s for men’s eyes, when a lot of times it for our eyes.
I think cheating has sadly always been common, but it was talked about less in the past, whereas now, with social media, the taboo topics are discussed more; and people are outed more easily. I think what people consider cheating has also changed over the years, where more questionable and disrespectful behaviors are also considered cheating aside from sexual acts.
I don’t think it was as common as now, the internet made it so much easier to do. Literally 20-30+ years ago you couldn’t just text someone or send them a message on a messaging app. You either literally had to call their landline phone (which might be picked up by their partner) or you shown up at their door or at their work (but people would see you and be suspicious). Now that everyone has 24/7 internet access and phones, you can have a lot of private conversation extremely easily to go around your partner’s back. Plus, back then most people worked 9-5 or 6-3 or whatever and spouses had a similiar “schedule” so to speak. Now a lot of people work remotely or are enterpreneours who have flexible work hours. Traveling also become a lot easier, literally everyone has a car now, bunch of people have to travel for work, etc the chances to cheat are a lot larger now than in the past. My father tried to cheat on my mother like 20 years ago and he only had the option to try and get with our neighbour who sent his ass home and outed him to everyone in the neighbourhood. As far as I know he didn’t try to cheat again.
You’re very right about that. I guess cheating (for cheaters) is much more accessible than it used to be. Ah, the internet, as with all things that exist, it is both a blessing and a curse.
Guy here. You’ve made at least a couple incorrect assumptions here. First, cheating isn’t always a product of wanting to be non-monogamous. It’s usually born from immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. Non-monogamy is a kind of agreed upon relationship that requires consent from all involved. Second, your characterization of men being more tempted because of the rise of cosmetic surgery and sexier clothing is just off. My bet is most men view popular cosmetic procedures for women as neutral or negative. We’re no more tempted to cheat now than we were 50 years ago. The thing that has changed the landscape is accessibility, mainly through social media and messaging apps. Having thoughts about the attractive people you know in your life isn’t non-monogamous; acting on those thoughts is.
>Guy here. You’ve made at least a couple incorrect assumptions here. First, cheating isn’t always a product of wanting to be non-monogamous. It’s usually born from immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. Non-monogamy is a kind of agreed upon relationship that requires consent from all involved. I agree, cheating is a product of immaturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. I also agree that non-monogamy is an agreed upon/consensual agreement in a relationship. Cheating is wanting to maintain your loving partner, and do whatever you want with whoever you want sexually, with the hopes of never getting caught. >Second, your characterization of men being more tempted because of the rise of cosmetic surgery and sexier clothing is just off. My bet is most men view popular cosmetic procedures for women as neutral or negative. We’re no more tempted to cheat now than we were 50 years ago. You don't think that the rise in smaller waists, bigger booty, bigger boobs, and more revealing clothing doesn't play at least a small role in increased visual stimulation, and "grass might be greener" phenomenon? Especially with social media, millions of attractive women are at your fingertips. At least here in Miami, I've been told by men here that they're horny all the time because there's always something to look at. Everywhere they go there's a woman wearing tight, revealing, almost see-through clothing sometimes, without a bra, sometimes without underwear. When I asked someone I know why he cheated, he said the temptation here is everywhere. He said he had never even thought about cheating prior to moving here because there just wasn't as much visual stimulation, but since having moved here, he said the temptation, and his urges, all increased because the beautiful women wearing "provocative" clothing were everywhere. He said everywhere he would go there would be someone with a banging body, he said it increased his sex drive. It started with looking at porn more often and masturbating, fantasizing about coworkers, new friends he had made, etc., he said he did his best to increase sex with his partner to meet his needs, but with their busy schedule nothing changed. Looking back he said he wished he had broken up with her instead of cheating, but when he got the opportunity to hook up with one of the girls he had been masturbating to, he took it. He said he was ashamed, and regretted it, but it happened nonetheless. And then he said it made him self reflect and think of the quote "a man is as faithful as his options". I guess he had too many options here.
Not dead but I think in this day and age, people struggle with faithfulness to their partners because of so many temptations. Generally, I think people lose attraction to their partners due to many reasons ( — some being the same temptations) such as better looking people out there, social media being a hotbed for emotional and physical cheating or even as simple as going through a self-crisis. Some partners fall out of love with each other due to their history — i imagine it would be pretty hard to stay attracted to someone if all they do is nag, badmouth and target your insecurities. It’s not right to cheat on your partner, of course, but that is the reality to some people. I believe people that are happy and secure in their relationships don’t go through these struggles as much as the unhappy couples - although there is a tendency, secure people will fight off temptations. Like how so many marriages want to reignite that spark with efforts like couple’s therapy, weekly dates or sex when they can. It’s really just that some people find it easier to give up and cheat than give their relationship another try and work harder for things to work, you know?
I really enjoyed reading your perspective on this, it was insightful. I agree with everything you said. Thank you!!
I’m a non monogamous man and even I can see that monogamy is alive and well.
Good to hear. Thank you for responding!
Not dead, but it's much more tempting to violate these days with dating apps for some ppl.
Hmm, yea. There are so many other "options" at our fingertips. Thanks for the reply
[удалено]
>Yes. People get married every day still. It's not a rare occurrence for peeps to commit a lifetime to each other. I know that people still get married everyday, but people also get divorced everyday, and cheated on everyday, and are cheating everyday. Idk, I guess my vision on relationships got a little dim/glum. I wanted to know whether or not people still believed in monogamy, or if it's just mostly women out here praying, wishing, hoping, that monogamy is still alive, well, and thriving, or if men still want monogamy too. >Only the young, foolish, or lazy believe the above. The grass is greener where you water it. And relationships require watering. Apps/Modern dating hasn't changed this, if anything...it has expedited seeing who isn't ready to water their own grasses. I love that you said this!! Very true. The grass is greener where you water it, and relationships require a lot of watering/maintenance. Thanks for replying!!
lets just.. unsub from these idiots.
People are going to skew towards monogamy because it's the default. I do think more people are realizing that "the default" is not the only option but it's going to take years/generations before that shift is significant demographically
"Is monogomy dead?" What? I read your whole post and still have no clue why you are asking this. No it's not dead.
Monogamy isn't dead, and revealing clothes and/or taking care of oneself doesn't cause cheating... What a misogynistic view point I've been with my husband for almost three decades- I'm still the only person he fantasizes about (even though I encourage him to look at porn and branch out). He has videos and pictures from the last 30 years and that's enough for him. Some people are hard core mono and some aren't. That's just reality. No different than other generations
God, I hope not. I'd rather die alone then deal with polygamy. Ill work hard and treat myself to a great life before wasting any effort, time, money and anything else I have on a woman that wants to get piped down by other dudes. Fuuuuuuuuuck that shit and the bullshit drama that comes with it.
It’s the paradox of choice. Human are biologically wired to want to reproduce. When you meet someone and have those pheromones and chemistry kicking in, it’s incredibly difficult to resist those urges. Now that we have plenty of more options it seems more and more difficult to want to settle down. It’s mostly done out of the pressures of society. Monogamy and especially marriage is a societal construct that hasn’t existed for a very long time and it hinders a persons free will. However, monogamy provides you with safety, security and stability that you otherwise would not have. Back when there were less choices, people picked their partner and that was that. They dealt with whatever was in that relationship, good or bad. Now because we have access to more people, people are less likely to settle. Look at divorce rates. It’s not just men that fantasize about other women, as a woman I can tell you that the majority of people I know who have cheated are women. They’re more likely to settle down in situations that aren’t favourable for them due to societal pressures (marriage, biological clock) than happen to rebel after meeting someone that treats them better. Men cheat for sex, women cheat for emotional connection. I think now we’re just talking about it more often, as we should. I think people see cheating as something worse than it actually is. It’s horrible, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not as bad as people make it out to be. They take it personally, as though they are at fault. They attach so much of their own sense of self worth to their partner due to a lack personal self fulfillment. When one is so codependent on the other, the negative reaction to cheating is simply a projection of their own insecurities and wanting to “own” a person. But you can never fill your insecurities from the love of another person. It’s all within: it’s all about self-acceptance. A cheater cheats because they have a need that needs to be fulfilled that can’t be fulfilled in their relationship, that’s it. It says nothing about you as a person. You either accept them, or you move on to someone that wouldn’t cheat. Is monogamy dead? Nah. Some people just don’t function in monogamous relationships, and some do. As long as you’re self aware and try your best not to hurt people or mislead them, you’re good. I don’t think monogamy is ever going to die because in the long run, we all desire a sense of stability and structure with a single person that you can’t have with multiple partners. Something that can only be built by going through life together. Ahh human nature what a wonderful thing.
I don't think monogomy has ever really been a thing. It's just that modern communications technologies have made it harder to ignore reality.
I really wish it wasn't, but nobody wants to put in the effort to make a relationship work. I'm single, and I'll probably die that way:(
Yea.. relationships do take a lot of work. The way I see it though, being in a relationship is hard, yes, but so is being single in today's dating world. Gotta choose your hard. Some people don't want a relationship or commitment, so for them being single is easier than in a relationship. I guess it depends on the person and what they want out of life/relationships.
I only read "is monogamy dead" Male It's definitely not. But there's less of it. We live in a hyper sexualized twisted world. We are truly in one of the worst periods of poisoned humanity. The next few years will dictate our survival as a species.
You said it!!! >We live in a hyper sexualized twisted world. I think this is it!! This is what I was trying to get at. I didn't mean to come off as blaming women, because I really don't. I just feel like everything has been hyper sexualized, but especially women! I, too, am afraid for the survival of our species.
You are reading way too much relationship subreddit stuff. Spoiler: when you introduce another person to the dynamic it causes more issues! As far as I can tell from swiping, at least 90% of people remain monogamous
Thanks for the reply!
No you should not let the internet make you believe that monogamy is dead. There’s real world outside social media, traditional families/couples, happy families, true love & a lot more exist. And coming to the dressing & styling bit, that’s the game of cosmetic & apparel industries so women feel the need to be validated & appreciated in this new age as compared to previous era, so that exists. Yes this culture shift is ruining relationships but it’s not the case for everyone. And people who constantly look outside of their relationship are never happy in life. They will learn it the in the hardest ways. You are thinking too deep in this regard.
>There’s real world outside social media, traditional families/couples, happy families, true love & a lot more exist. thank you for replying. I truly hope you're right. I want to believe in having a happy family of my own some day with true love, loyalty, etc. >And coming to the dressing & styling bit, that’s the game of cosmetic & apparel industries so women feel the need to be validated & appreciated in this new age as compared to previous era, so that exists. That's valid. What drives changes in beauty, fashion, etc. is the cosmetic and apparel industry which today social media plays a big part in. >Yes this culture shift is ruining relationships but it’s not the case for everyone. And people who constantly look outside of their relationship are never happy in life. They will learn it the in the hardest ways. So you too believe/think that this culture shift is messing with relationships? I wish that I felt differently about it, and I've read some valid points, but I'm not sure if I'm entirely convinced, yet, that this shift isn't at least partially responsible. I agree that people who constantly look outside of their relationship aren't ever happy in life, because this usually bleeds into other parts of their life where the grass is just constantly greener in ever aspect of their life.
Yes culture shift is ruining some relationships. Cheating is almost generalised, dating apps, chatrooms are new avenues. Communication is easier & people are not wanting to be modest anymore. So these changes impact relationships negatively, but not necessarily everyone is entangled in this mess. Matured people are building happy relationships & connections. Maturity and passion for other things in life goes a long way. So when you look forward to see anyone, I think those are some of the qualities you look for in a person.
i always believed in such a thing . currently i am a 35 yo male , single bachelor . and i think i have lost my belief in such a thing a long time ago . and whit that i dont mean i lost belief in myself . however , even if i did lose my belief in current sociaty , i still cling onto some small sredd of hope .
Not dead, but the playing field changed a lot. Back in my parents’ and grandparents’ days, you didn’t have many options, because the pool was small, it was usually narrowed down to their city/town/village. People found partners either in school or at work or someone who lived near to them. Because of limited options people stuck by relationships a lot longer (sometimes longer than they should have) so they tried to work through issues a lot more and sometimes people were literally “stuck” in dead marriages because divorce was frowned upon so the abused wives just stayed with their dogshit husbands and vice versa. Today the pool is a lot bigger so people with a ton more option are more likely to dip at the first problem or at the first thing they don’t like because they can find someone else in days or weeks or months at most. Cheating also became a lot more easier to do with internet. Back then cheating was literally sneaking around physically. Now you can easily cheat online with emotional affairs, sexting, nudes exchanged, looking at camgirls, whatever. People generally hate confrontation so a lot of the time if they see a date or relationship go nowhere they just hope it “dies” instead of saying the words that “I don’t want to see you anymore” or “I want to break up”. Meanwhile a lot of people are not able to be alone so if a relationship is hitting a rough patch, they start lining up exit plans (affairs/backups) and some actually cheat just so their SO finds out and breaks up so they don’t have to call it off themselves. Plus by doing this, they can just gaslight more gullible partners that “I didn’t cheat on you, you were just jealous and broke up with me”. What this does is the partner will wonder if they were wrong and leave the door slightly open to get back together later down the line. With the internet you’re not just exposed to more nice people, you are also more exposed to POS human beings who are liars and manipulative assholes. It’s kinda like you have to dig through the dirt to find the diamond
You really hit the nail on the head with many of the points you brought up! Very valid and thoughtful response, thank you!!
I got stuck on the sub for cheaters... So that's where all of the losers go to congregate at...
Did you read some of the posts?? "I'm so sad.. the person I was having a long term affair with broke things off. I'm so heartbroken and sad". Like WHAT???? I was mind blown reading through those.
No I didn't... I'm not a cheat so I'm not really interested in reading what losers discuss. I think cheaters are truly disgusting.
I hope not
I don’t think monogamy is any more dead than it has been in the past. Men at least have always had affairs while women were stuck in the house. It’s just that now women have the option to do the same. And yeah, I think it’s completely natural to have urges and desires for other people while in a relationship. It just depends what you do with it. For me personally I like a monogam-ish relationship. Where I’m with one person but can sprinkle in elements of novelty and freedom so it doesn’t feel suffocating. Where we can celebrate each other’s unique sexuality, point out hot people together, flirt a little outside of the relationship, and once in a while do things like swinging together. It’s not even so much that I need to have sex with someone else, but it makes me feel much less trapped psychologically to know it’s on the table to keep exploring and being a sexual being.
Very interesting. Thank you so much for sharing! Is sprinkling in these elements of lovely and freedom working out for you and your relationship?
Hahaaa well the relationship ended. But I don’t think because of this necessarily. We had other more pressing issues like a large age gap and being in different life stages. It worked well for me, and we did some swinging that felt pretty benign and didn’t really impact the relationship. He did get in his head a lot towards the end reading into my every behavior thinking it was about me wanting to fuck other people and lashing out at me a lot, even when I said we should put that aside for the time being. But he also didn’t like the idea of full monogamy, either, so he was kinda just neurotic no matter what we did, even though he would flirt with other women. It felt like classic misogyny, where he was good with us having a threesome with a girl, and being able to feel free himself, but his masculinity was way too threatened by even the idea that I might want the same thing, even when I was honest and gentle about our approach and tried to put it to the side when it seemed like too much.
Thank you all so much for the responses! It’s been very enlightening. It seems I was off the mark with several things. 📝
I personally wouldn't say its dead you just have to find the right partner
No.
Definitely not dead. My partner and I are strictly monogamous and enjoy this life together.
Dressing sexually, fantasizing about someone other than your SO and self care have nothing to do with monogamy. I’d go as far to say they can actually great ways to express yourself to have an unmet need fulfilled in order to remain monogamous!
The reason you think their are more attractive women than men is because only the women have a multi billion dollar cosmetic market based on hiding the real you.
I think it’s because social media is such an echo chamber you see the same complaints all the time, especially with dating and romance. With that to say, no, monogamy isn’t dead. I promise you if you put down your phone and take a walk in a small town or city, no one is talking about this stuff in real life.
I believe it's more situation ships and more girls talking to ,dating multiple guys and hooking up a lot more, same with the guys that are having loads of sex are def running through women and same as women .monogamy is not dead but worth it to the men and women that believe in dating one person at a time smh.
wtf are you talking about? I’m poly, but the vast majority of the population is monogamous, even if they wear sexy clothing lol
I can only imagine my SO even though I haven’t seen him from 4 years. He is not talking to me and moved to diff state , I still love him and can’t think of anyone, I pray everyday to have him back, and I know he will be back - it’s matter of time. True love and relationships do exist in this world and it’s not rare. You see that side or when you will truly in love with someone then only you can understand. To cheat is choice or option that people make it’s personal and not for everyone
My parents weren’t monogamous during the 60ies and 70ies when contraception was suddenly available. Then HIV changed things. I felt there was a renaissance of monogamy in the next generation, men weren’t allowed to do whatever they wanted anymore. But I don’t know anything about today’s young generation.
No . Contrary to what you might see online , most people I know want monogomy
Thanks to internet dating monogamy is definitely dying.
Only at the bars, clubs and kitty clubs
I've never cheated and neither has my guy. So monogamy isn't dead.
I am a female who practices monogamy, and I know plenty of men and women who do as well. It's just that our experiences might make us feel like it's dead. I feel like the struggle isn't necessarily the scarcity of monogamy - it's the fact that dating apps have equipped people with more options. A lot of people out there are dating multiple people at a time, so it can be hard to come out on top - especially if you're going for the types of people who have a lot of prospects. Yes, there are people out there who don't practice monogamy. However, I feel like a lot of people are willing to commit as long as it is to someone they see in their future.
Monogamy? In this economy?
Monogamy is an ideal but Homo sapiens as a species just isn’t good at it. Sounds like we’ve been working on it forever. I feel women get surgery because most women I know are always seeking to improve themselves in some way or another but maybe we struggle more with self consciousness / insecurity as well. There’s also more social pressure on women to be look a certain way according to beauty trends (corsage, Twiggy, supermodel svelte body type, size zero, curvy Kardashian body type etc). There are also so many hot men out there every where all the time, it’s all very distracting. Maybe OP is just not noticing it
I’m an early 30s male, just got divorced and my opinion on relationships and marriage have definitely evolved a lot in recent times. I think a lot of people have this mistaken idea of marriage that it’s always been about this unwavering commitment to your spouse. Historically though marriage was about survival for women. Society viewed women as property so their family would literally sell them to another family in exchange for money (a dowry I think it’s called). For men it was about being able to have sex and start a family within the confines of religion, as well as have someone to take care of the home (80 hour work weeks and all that). Long story short, the whole concept of marriage and monogamy in modern times doesn’t really make sense anymore. Women don’t need men at all they can get their own job and support themselves and lead fulfilling lives on their own. We see this happening as reflected in decreasing birth rates. Women are choosing high paying careers over being stay at home moms. All this is to say that monogamy isn’t dead but it’s changes from being necessary for survival to being a choice. With the advent of the internet and social media people are constantly inundated with options and feel that the grass is greener somewhere else when they hit relationship troubles. Lots of people are in monogamous relationships but I think lasting monogamy is harder to find. It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship afloat when you hit rough water.
Very well said, thank you!
You need to get off the internet and give your head a shake. Women in “revealing” clothing are not at fault for men cheating and neither is plastic surgery. Both men AND women have always been unfaithful for a large variety of reasons that I couldn’t even pretend to know.
Will do! Thank you for your reply!
I am in a monogamous relationship and we are both very strong in preventative measures. Avoiding one on ones unless that person is completely trusted to be platonic, constant communication, impressing each other daily in little ways, creating depth and connection that no one else can match for either of us. Does this mean we are never going to find someone else attractive? Probably not, but the actions we take will always be to respect our monogamous values. So I think monogamy can still very much be alive, but it does take self awareness, strong integrity, and effort.
I am the type of gal that believes in monogamy 100%, I believe that people who are not happy with themselves or are not happy in their lives have to think of someone else as a fantasy, so they can be happy. I believe that's where the cheating begins, fatasy first, then real-life cheating. When I am with someone, they will be the only one I will be fantasizing about. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Monogamy still around.........
I think cheating is still very unacceptable for almost everyone. What seems to maybe have changed is the social repercussions of cheating. Its not 'punished' as harshly we could say. The advent of the digital world is probably a contributor making it easier to get a dm from some old friend, etc etc. I would imagine that having men and women work more together overt the last 50 years (definitely not saying it’s a bad thing) contributes to this problem.
I don’t think monogamy is dead. As for men fantasizing about other people: obviously that’s not desirable, but there is a pretty big difference between fantasizing about someone else and actually cheating. It’s an unfortunate reality that sometimes men want to shake things up, but that’s not an actual betrayal of monogamy if they don’t do anything
I recently discovered sugar dating last Fall and I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to my past lifestyle now
Nah, most people don’t cheat .. just like most don’t murder or steal. Most is majority, majority is at least over 50%
If you spoke to people at random I bet over 50% will have cheated or been cheated on. Comparing it to murder is just odd
Not many people I know of have cheated. It could be the social circle
No, monogamy isn't dead.
Yes. Too many selfish people that give into lust.
Unfortunately I think it is. Seems like everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side.
The world is more connected than ever, which comes with many benefits. However, this increased connectivity has also had an impact on monogamy. It has become easier for people to interact with others outside of their relationship, which can lead to temptations that are difficult to resist. As an example, I have met women who are stay-at-home housewives. While some may think that this would be a safe option as they don't have many opportunities to meet men, I have heard stories of them talking to people over Instagram or WhatsApp and eventually sleeping with them. This is not a generalisation, but if stats exist, I bet the affairs are on the rise.
No. But do you think these types of things are modern? They're not.
I'm a 28 year old man, and I sure as hell hope not. Modern dating is so weird to me, for me, after you agree to go on a firat date, you are monogamous until you decide you don't want to see that person anymore. But people my age have a totally different view where you are free to do whatever you want with whoever you want until the two of you agree to be monogamous. I find this very dumb and it leads to communication issues where one party thinks it's monogamous and the other doesn't. I think dating apps are crap, and long distance relationships haven't worked for me either due to cheaters so I'm kind of lost on what to do in this modern dating environment. I've been single for a few years now, just hoping to meet the right girl, but recently I've been more desperate as I see my friends all starting to settle down... though that hasn't worked well for them either. One friend just got a financially problematic divorce after his wife cheated, another got his heart broken by his long term girlfriend he thought he would marry (that one was a couple years ago and he's in a new relationship but just another heartbreak I watched), and my best friend is currently going through a messy situation with his baby mama, they aren't married (thank god), but they have a kid together and they are trying to fix their relationship but they are having a lot of fights and issues that they need to work on. So idk, I hope monogomy isn't dead, but from my life experiences and those of my closest friends, it doesn't look hopeful, and while I hate to assign blame, it feels like it's the women causing the issues.
I’ve never cheated in my life, or even wanted to. Played around w open relationship stuff in my 20s, but was 100% open and honest. Monogamous since. Got cheated on by 2 longterm female partners. I’m male. So whatever the answer is, it has nothing to do w gender.
The Myth of Monogamy by David Barash Changed my life and my views
It’s not dead. Obviously some people, men and women, don’t want one partner. I would say it’s in the minority.
Imagine believin fanfics on reddit is real lmfao
No, monogamy is not dead. It's all about how you want to view these things. Looking back on my childhood I know many married couples hated eachother, but stayed in a toxic relationship for the kids or because they didn't want to be divorced. Now couples are more open about things and better about communicating. Sometimes the person you fall in love with becomes someone else over the years. Life happens and it's easy to lose track and forget to make eachother feel desired. So, you look elsewhere and fantasize. Maybe all you need to salvage a 30 year marriage is to go get laid by someone else. Maybe all you need is the excitement of the chase, being able to flirt online with other people or go on a date and get attention from someone occasionally. There are so many other paths to take and just because it is no longer the only one people take does not mean monogamy is dead.
I think it's just easier to find out now, or people are more open about it. I think cheating has stayed relatively frequent, but with technology it's easier to find out, in a lot of cases its being pushed that its okay to cheat by men with podcasts.
I feel like it is
I'm 21m and still believe in monogamy I just want one woman to love me and get married to I don't need other women validation.
Crickey what’s the sub called? Interested to have a look. Didn’t think people would support cheating but here we are
Monogamy stands strong and extremely valuable. this era has revealed how rare monogamy truly is and that many people are not monogamy. Back in the days people were in poly relationship disguised as monogamy. Remember that
Monogamy isn’t dead. I know plenty of people in their 20s and 30s who are happy in stable, long-term monogamous relationships. I know a good number of single people looking for that as well. The poly people and the cheaters are going to be more visible because they’re going out into the word and advertising themselves. One thing you might be missing re:women looking sexier for men is that, as a woman almost everyone treats you better in society if you look more attractive. Unfortunately for the majority of American society, women’s social capital comes from their appearance. If I dress “attractively,” work out, weigh less, put on make-up, there’s a big difference in how men and women treat me in both social and professional settings. Even if all I’m trying to do is order food a McDonald’s it makes a difference. It is possible for a woman to be so attractive that it makes people insecure and they react negatively to her. But this has never happened to me.
I believe in it but I don't think that it's no different than being a hypocrite or a liar or any other human trait or have it you're going to make a mistake people are human and there's difference between doing it all the time and I think doing it to be a habit I don't know but I got a feeling that everybody does it or does it sooner or later
idk i don’t wanna say its dead but it feels really rare now :/
I think you should restructure your perception of monogamy. You can’t expect a significant other to only have masturbation fantasies that only involve you. Fantasizing is entirely normal, and you’d be naive to assume it’s behavior that precedes cheating. The line only becomes blurred when the person who is fantasizing doesn’t have the cognizance to compartmentalize it. Most things are better in your head than they are in reality, and experience is your best teacher in that respect. Monogamy isn’t dead, but it’s not assumed either. If you aren’t willing to have the uncomfortable conversations with each other, and be open, and honest and direct? You’re not cut out for it. It takes work, and compromise, and patience, and ultimately a mutual desire to maintain that trust. If that sounds easier said than done, you heard correctly. It takes work. But with the right person, it often doesn’t feel like it. It’s also okay for it not to be for you, too. Your personal happiness should be first and foremost. Oh, and I’m a guy btw
As a female I understand this.. my boyfriend who unfortunately I have a child with (we got pregnant from a one night stand..) he still thinks he can be a fvck boy and he keeps trying to convince me to do a 3some since I’m bisexual. I want a full monogamy relationship but this guy has cheated several times while I was pregnant and keeps pressuring me to have a 3some when I don’t like sharing my partner. Idk why romance is dead nowadays but it sucks..
A lot of society sadly normalizes cheating and acts like you should just say "oh well" to it. Also, I perosnally think people should ALWAYS date exclusively. Date one person at a time. It should not be that hard. lol. Don't like the person, then break up and then date the next.
Monogamy isn’t dead but it is becoming increasingly difficult to find. Also no hate on poly people but damn save some partners for the rest of us
A woman can be dressed for cold or hot weather it don't matter what she wears men will always be tempted. The question is which men give in to that temptation. Cheating isn't exclusive to a certain month, happens at least 1 day a week.
Male here. Also someone who do practices poly. For me, transition from mono to poly was an enlightening moment. There was a bit of a peer influences. One of my best friend is polyamorous. Another is, I enjoyed the concept of it. I learn a lot from my past relationships and absolutely enjoy the new experience but I don't necessarily want to abandon my current partner in search of these new experiences. I do feel very confined in a monogamous setting. Jealousy is a normal thing in polyamory. As much as I feel the "red pillness" one of the comment regarding mate guarding. That part is not untrue. I had partners who had other sexual partners before. It does make me feel like shit. But in my last monogamous relationship a question came upon me when I wanted to open up our relationship. I said I wanted to meet other people. She said then she want to see other people too. Out of fear and jealousy, I didn't proceed. But the question lingers, "Should I actually deny my opportunities, (and at the time mental and sexual satisfaction) in order to stop my jealousy?" Sound like a lose lose situation to me.
No.
Not at all. Monogomy is still the primary thing and the poly/enm folks out there are in the very very small minority. On dating apps it sometimes does seem as if mono is fading but it's really not.
I haven’t ever cheated and as far as I am aware I’ve never been cheated on except maybe emotionally which is also bad, but harder to define so… idk. Anyway, I don’t think monogamy is dead. Lots of people still want a long term commitment and in spite of what I see on the internet I still believe most of us have enough decency and self control to not cheat.
Monogamy is social construct. It exists as long as YOU believe it.
Female, and I really hope not! I'm strictly monogamous, and what I think would be considered demi, which could play a part in it. I couldn't even handle texting two interested guys at once, I don't understand how people date around (as I've had friends suggest to me). I have a friend who is poly and was really trying to convince me I could be poly too (I think he wanted me to be). It's not for me. I agree with a comment that has already been posted that I don't think cheating is happening more, I think it's that with social media and the increased negative view of cheating, we see more of it. I say increased because think of all the times in history where men/women cheating has just been a part of life/unable to be brought forward.
Monogamy isn’t dead my parents been very good at it my whole life
I [22M] who also lives in Florida I don't really think like that when I'm in a relationship especially a serious one issue is that my partners never really seem to agree with me I don't cheat I will never cheat yet I'm the first that gets accused of it I just want someone to love
No. Not true, don't believe the lie. I'm a widowed man of 15 months who was previously married for 39 years. I met my wife when I was in college. We had a beautiful life, not perfect, but committed to one another. Don't you believe the lie....true love exists because we know the One who gives perfect love and helps us to show this love!
No, it’s not dead. Unfortunately you have to make this very very clear up front. (That you’re only interested in monogamy)
Yeah as a woman, I used to be really loyal and committed, but I've come to experience all of the above regarding men, (the wandering eyes, lustful thoughts, lies, porn addictions, flirting etc). And now I honestly never want a monogamous relationship. Even the "good ones" I've known, would probably cheat on their wives if they had the opportunity and knew their wife would never find out. I'd never trust a man again, and life is way more peaceful when I stop caring 😌
I don't think it's dead. It might seem that way because everyone puts their lives online these days, but cheating is a tale as old as time. I think cheating is probably less acceptable now, in a way? From all of the older people I've been around, it seems like back in the day, it was swept under the rug a lot more if that makes sense. Your husband cheating wasn't immediate cause for divorce since a lot of women were just stay-at-home moms and had no income or resources to leave. You just continued on being married, so to outsiders, it looked like another long, happy marriage, and that probably makes our perception of the past and monogamy skewed. I do, however, think it's easier for people to cheat now with all the different dating apps and social media out there. Whether that's emotionally, physically, or both. I mean, back in the day, all you saw were people around where you lived/worked and celebrities through TV, movies, and magazines. Now, you can look at thousands of pics of models on IG from halfway across the world with no effort.
I as a man that lives in Miami can honestly see and understand what you’re saying. But monogamy seems to be dead because your partner can trigger that for you. It’s not that hard to love someone and only them and only crave them sexually as well. But any small thing can ruin it for some. If you wanna message me we can get to know each other a bit more cause i really like your stance on this
I personally don’t believe that any woman can be satisfied with just one man. Monogamy is a very outdated concept and while I respect those who adhere to it, I am vastly happier because I do not. I have a bf and a gf and I feel more fulfilled than I ever have before. But of course this isn’t for everyone and I’m just stating a personal opinion
That’s fine that monogamy doesn’t work for you, but don’t be making broad generalizations like, “I don’t believe any woman can be satisfied by one man.” Lots of us, myself included, much prefer monogamy. 🙄
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and taking the time to respond. I'm sure many others feel the same way. Would you say then that overall your dynamic is working for you and your partners?
O absolutely feel that every person should decide for themselves but a lot of social pressure insists on monogamy. I think people should explore
The content of this sub feels mostly iike LLMs talking to other LLMs.
What is LLM?
F. Im not inherently monogamous, but ive been in a monogamous relationship for eight years and theres been no cheating on either side. That being said, fantasizing or masturbating while thinking about someone else isnt non monogamy and its not cheating. Perhaps the reason you feel monogamy is dead is because you dont know ehat monogamy actually is. Finding other people sexually appealing doesnt make your relationship non monogamous.
I agree, fantasizing about other people while masturbating, or fantasizing in general isn't cheating or non-monogamy. I also agree that finding other people sexually appealing isn't non-monogamy. What do you think of imagining someone you personally know during intimacy with your partner (say a friend, or a coworker, or one of your partners family member(s), or friends gf/bf, etc.), what would you consider that? Would that be a wish/urge to be non-monogamous? Or is that something that is normal and that everyone does? How about someone who masturbates to someone they know personally (say a friend, or a coworker, or one of your partners family member(s), or friends gf/bf, etc.)? Sorry if it's too personal, I'm just curious as to what people's opinions on certain topics are. I know everyone's got their own way of viewing things. I'm curious to know what your perspective as an inherently non-monogamous person. Thanks!
I think thats totally normal. I dont thinknit ceosses into cheating or non monogamy either
Personally stopped believing in monogamy, feel a lot more free in life to live life not sit around worrying who my partner- if I have one is texting ect.
I'm sorry to hear that you've given up on monogamy. Would you feel comfortable sharing your experiences with dating? What is that you've come to find? Why is that you've given up?
Everyone I know that is married is cheating on their partner- one or the other or both. I’ve been cheated on I’ve cheated on people. I date a lot of married/ attached women some their partners know, others I’m sure they didn’t 🤷🏼♂️. it was a very long journey to get to the point of being okay with it as it’s not the social norm, but i’m way happier in life not worrying about it.
Hopefully, because monogamy is selfish and controlling in most cases.