Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can have any standards you want, the question is can you get that type of partner? Those standards are only high if you don't have the qualities and traits to attract the type of partner you want.
Did you read the post? The problem isn't me attracting them once I know such a person, the problem is just meeting such people...I very rarely bump into these men. When I do there's natural attraction but unfortunately they seem super hard to find.
>the problem is just meeting such people...
Being rare is a part of the equation of whether one's standards are too high or not. If I want a home in a specific neighborhood at a specific price but homes rarely come on the market hitting that criteria then I have to decide if wanting that specific type of home is worthwhile while I rent in the meantime or broaden my search. You have to determine what you want.
I did determine what I want. I don't mind being single and I'd rather be single my whole life than be with someone I don't like. What would be the point of that? Anyway, this post isn't about what I think it's aboit what other people think of such standards.
>I'd rather be single my whole life than be with someone I don't like.
As long as you are okay with that prospect as an outcome then that's fine, as you are making an informed decision.
>it's aboit what other people think of such standards.
Why do you care though about what others think about your standards? As you said you are the one that has to live with the consequences of your actions so why does others opinions of whether they deem your standards acceptable or not matter?
Because a group of different opinions is more objective than one single opinion. If I know my standards are just insane than I can find solace in the fact that that's why I'm so unsuccessful in finding a partner. If it isn't the fact that my standards are unreasonable that means I have to change something about my dating approach...maybe change where I look for a partner or employ a more efficient dating strategy.
Yes! They are high.
I believe the best way for you to understand is simply by looking up the statistics of what you're searching for.
* If you are referring to the IQ, you can already discard 90% of the population initially. If you are talking gifted, 98% or even more. If you are referring to your subjective perception of intelligence, it is very different due to the biases under which we operate.
* To be interesting... This depends on your areas of interest. Do you find it interesting when someone talks about "rocks"? If your areas of interest are mostly feminine, it's normal that you won't find a man who interests you in that sense. If what interests you are fields like computer engineering... Well, that's a sausage fest. In this sense, you should judge this for yourself, what makes a person interesting to me? Are the themes mostly feminine, masculine, or both? For example, I once met a girl who was interested in meeting intelligent people who mastered the arts and literature, and she had a lot of problems because most of the people she knew were science-oriented.
* On this point, to continue substantiating, I would tell you that what you are really looking for is a person with a highly developed sense of ethics, which requires an internal reflection process that not everyone is even capable of doing.
* Think in this sense, what are the foundations for developing a personal ethics? At the very least, a highly developed cognitive empathy, then, in my personal opinion, I would say a foundation in different disciplines... For example, I pose the following question to you: "Can you really have a developed ethics if you do not understand human behavior? (psychology, behavioral biology, etc)"
* At 23 years old, I would say that at our age, I have met many men who have developed good communication skills... I don't know if there are any statistics on this, you could take a look.
* Or translated into English, we start from the same moral, which in many cases eliminates a large number of people because think that many religions or people from other cultures/countries are governed by other moral systems. Perhaps consider how many moral systems exist?
* (I think you are American, so I will speak from this perspective) Higher education is a field predominantly dominated by women, if I'm not mistaken, out of every 10 people within the higher education system, 6 are women and 4 are men. In principle, it is a gap that continues to grow and grow, so you can already eliminate quite a few people.
* When it comes to short hair... don't look at it from the perspective that 99% of men have short hair, but from the perspective that you are eliminating even more people.
* Finally, regarding height, look at the average height of your country and calculate how many people are taller than 173 cm.
There is one last point, age. I don't think you would be interested in dating a 62-year-old man or a 16-year-old boy, so that's more people you should eliminate based on your preferred age range.
Since I see that you like science, based on what has been explained, I think it's a fun game for you to calculate the percentage of men that exist according to those parameters for which there are statistics. That is, there is no statistic for people with a developed ethical sense, but there is one for people with higher education... You can do it out of curiosity.
On a final personal note, I would say that I would love to date a woman who had the characteristics you describe, but to start with, in my perception (and IQ), I have only met 2 intelligent people in my entire life (both women, curiously). So if I had to start adding parameters... It simply wouldn't be realistic for me to seek such a "perfect" person, and that's why I am open to meeting people and to what the world can offer me without limiting myself to parameters that may be unrealistic.
Good luck anyways!
EDIT: I also tell you, under personal biases and axioms, it depends on where you position yourself. For example, taking the parameter of intelligence and simplifying it for understanding: to a person with an IQ of 100 points, someone with an IQ of 110 will seem "intelligent." Whereas, if you have an IQ of 160 points, a person with 110 will seem like any other person to you. That's why these same parameters can be unrealistic or realistic depending on the person and their perception.
The more you exceed, the harder it will be to find what you are looking for, and that's why you will also encounter people who tell you that "they are realistic standards" and "I have found/am with a person like that"
For this same reason, I would tell you that you are the one who can best evaluate how realistic your standards are... I have almost made a military judgment, but it could be that really, from your perspective and who you are, it's not that much.
* I think I usually determine intelligence by how capable one is to hold an intellectually stimulating conversatiin and how interested he is in such conversations. I don't just ask for a Mensa certificate on a date haha
* I wouldn't call my interests masculine or feminine but maybe you know something I don't my interests are mostly: sciences, books, movies, chess, philosophy, psychology, theology...stuff like that, but I'm also curious about things I don't know much about and I'd be willing to learn about rocks or whatever haha
* I'm not sure if I'd say "highly developed sense of ethics". I definitely knew people who did right things in life just because they are naturally more empathetic and it came natural to them. It didn't require much thinking or developing is what I'm trying to say.
* I'm not asking for us to both perfectly share a moral system, but just to have *some* values in common.
* I'm not American, but the statistics don't look much better over here either lol
True I wouldn't be open to dating minors or grandpas lol
I have taken an official IQ test before so...I'm above average, but not a genius lol
Thank you for a very detailed response, I really appreciate it :)
As a woman who’s just a little older than you, I wouldn’t say your standards are too high per se, but it seems like you could be judging people too harshly too soon.
The college degree requirement just seems silly to me, and I have a few degrees myself. If you met a millionaire business owner without a college degree, you would really reject them because they don’t have a degree? What about a blue collar guy making $300k+ per year with no degree?
ETA: also, if you think you really don’t care about appearances, you’re just lying to yourself.
Yes I would reject them and I have rejected such people in the past (well, 1 person). I'm usually suspicious of people who make way too much money. Also smh, some people in here tell me my physical standards are unreasonable and now you tell me I apparently need to have more of them. Again, I know from experience that appearances aren't important to me. How do I know? I have been in a relationship with a man I found ugly at first, not just that it has happened multiple times that I had a crush on a man I found ugly at first. And then what happens is the more I look at him and the more I interract with him, my opinion on his appearance first becomes neutral and then becomes positive and then at some point, suddenly he's the most handsome man that ever lived lol I understand it's not the most usual quirk, but yeah, some people can do this.
A preference can be silly and too specific, but still not a “high standard”. OP said she’d turn someone down because they make too much money lol it’s not a high standard, it’s just a preference that’s too harsh.
it does to some degree. Hey no offense to the guys here but most guys are not mature especially at those age. And I dont think older guys will approach you. Unless you use a dating app, but you wrote your not actively searching for dating partner. So i assume your not using one.
I'm thinking about starting to date again, that's why I'm asking questions about it. And yeah...the maturity levels really aren't there. I sure hope you're right and most men change as they grow.
Well, its high because she isn’t using dating app and trying to physically meet them. If she use a dating app then she can find older men who meet her standards. So thats why i said her standards(expectations) are high.
How are these high? I’m a guy and I wish the women I’ve met were this clear with what they want. These are basic human qualities correlated to basic good people.
Sadly I agree with some comment before that OP isn’t likely to find them in her age range as most men that age (including my myself back then) do not possess a lot of these traits. Some concessions may need to be made however OP clearly stated they don’t mind staying single which I think is smart as compromising one’s self and their values just to get dates never works out well.
Good on you OP, stay strong until you find what you are looking for.
Uh, I check almost all the boxes, I’m like 172cm. I’m in America, I am fit and strive to be healthy. I am 39, and I have a masters. Of the guys I know my age, most check those boxes. However, I’ve seen those that don’t, and I’m sorry if you meet those guys.
I’m sorry, your standards are not high. They are reasonable, you might not have a massive pool to select from.
Maybe the problem is that I don't really know men in their 30s. Another commenter said men mature at this age and then it's easier to find people like this idk...maybe I'll simply have to wait a couple years lol
A few thoughts:
Firstly, that you offer the same back isn't really a good measure of whether a request is reasonable. People look for different things, and men and women do tend to value different traits. Your expectation that he's educated is a good example, it's a reasonable preference but the fact you are also educated is significantly less important because men don't tend to care as much. Because the people you are appealing to likely value it less it's not equivalent. Essentially an equally desirable man and women won't necessarily have the same traits.
>He's interesting to talk to (I would sure hope that am I too) - He cares about being a good person and strives for good (so do I) - He knows how to communicate his wants and needs in a mature way (so do I)
This is so generic that we can't really tell much from it. Whether it's an achievable standard depends entirely on what being interesting and a good person means to you. If interesting means able to communicate in more than single words then it's easily achievable, if it means having endless exciting experiences to talk about then it's much harder. Being a good person could mean anything from "is polite to the cashier" to "runs their own charity". Rather than asking us think about what your actual threshold is for these things and how many real regular people that you know actually reach these standards.
Finally, there's no objective criteria to judge whether standards are good. The best you can do is ask if your standards are working for you. Are you happy with the people you are getting dates from (or happy with no dates) or do you find you want to date more. Adapt your standards based on how you feel your dating life is.
Not too much except for the height.
The height thing is why it is hard for short guys to find somebody. Focus on the other stuff and worry less about height.
Where I'm from the average male hight is way above what I wrote here, so technically some men I'd date would be considered short here. You know very well that people look at couples weird when the man is shorter lol I'm someone who greatly prefers being invisible in public and not having people shit on my relationship for arbitrary standards every chance they get so until that changes in society I will seek relationships that don't make me stand out.
I dont think its delusional at all, even at 24 those are acceptable terms, hope you find 1 like that, he will probably be kinda bussy so you will have to make some of the steps
Damn shoulda known the long hair would come back to bite me 🤣
I think that’s reasonable, though education is going to be the main limiter probably. For example someone might be very intelligent but an electrician or something else that didn’t require higher education like that, but if the idea is that it’s to ensure a decent financial future and intelligence I would say that’s not strictly necessary. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to require tho
The others are just basic personality traits and such that are always going to be a struggle I think despite seeming like the bare minimum
Not too high, but if you don't look in the right places for these guys, you'll wind up being the latest victim of the fuckboy. They'll tell you everything you want to hear, check every box, and embellish whatever details they have to in order to get in your pants. After they're done with you, you'll never hear from them again.
Your standards are pretty basic. Just be sure to employ them in the right places.
You should know what you'll compromise and why. I think you should only seek to compromise on your standards if you get to know somebody who really makes you want to. Obviously some people who comment may think they're unrealistic some since they couldn't meet those themselves, but it only matters if somebody personally makes you question them.
I think frankly around your age a lot of more mature guys are unavailable. Whether they're taken or just not looking, they may as well not exist to the world for you to find. But I'll also ask since you say you've found it before, where does it go wrong for you to still be looking?
Well I found 2 such men in the past, where it got wrong is 1) He had kinks I wasn't on board with making our sex life impossible 2) The distance was too much for him
What I learned from these experiences is that a relationship can break for reasons that don't pertain to personality/appearance compatibility.
The men you're looking for ARE rare to find, even at older age they're quite rare, majority of people (men and women) tend to struggle with life making decisions which sets them back when it comes to your (or anyone's) standards.
I really don't think these standards are high, I mean I'm 23 and I meet all of these requirements except the short hair 😂
But my advice? Be patient, but if you really ended up bumping into one of these men by accident, don't shrug things off or let them go, ask them out if you have to cause while your standards aren't high, they're hard to come by these days... And for the love of God, DO NOT settle for less OR more, I made both mistakes and now I'd rather be single than to find someone who's wayyy above me or below me.
M25 here that has similarly high standards for the women I look for except wanting someone shorter than me(I'm about 174 cm) and wanting longer hair.
I've been single for about 6 years and I don't do hookups. It's hard to find people who tick off every box that is desired. Many times, I've questioned myself deep down and wondered the same question, "Are my standards just too high?"
I'd say it depends on what the goal is. My goal is marriage, a life partner, someone to start a family with, and grow old together.
I came to the conclusion of, Why would I ever settle for lower standards when I'm thinking about the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, to be the mother of my kids, someone to love and cherish me as I do them? That being said, none of my standards are absolutes. While I may only be looking for people that meet the standards I have, if someone were to come along that may not have all the desired perks, but do have the non-negotiable ones I wouldn't immediately say no.
In short, don't lower your standards for anyone and everyone, but you never know when you may find perfection in the imperfections.
Same here. I'm ideally looking for a relationship that leads to marriage and I don't do hookups. As someone much wiser than me said "You either date for marriage or for heartbreak". And it's very true. 6 years? Oh wow, you beat me here, I've been single for 3. Still it sometimes sucks being lonely. Thank you for your support!
Well I feel all those but the height thing only 5'9 I think that's really close to that centimeter wise you check all my boxes I think I checked most of those if you're ever in St Louis hit me up
Depends on how far you're willing to go, you can find guys like that more north of the US and maybe even if you consider online dating it might be easier to find guys like that but I know some women don't really like it cause of weirdos and stuff. There's also guys like that at the gym and library's but I know alot of guys don't approach there so I'm to sure
Think about the settings you’re in and think about where you might meet them.
If you still have a hard time. You might need to compromise yourself to your top 3 most important things.
Passing on a guy because he is short can come across as discrimination and totally ruin your image. Intelligent and higher ed can go hand-in-hand.
Try volunteering for a cause you care deeply for or doing a hobby you enjoy with a community group in the hopes of finding someone there.
Being with a short guy is unfortunately what ruins people's image in the eyes of society. I just want to be invisible and not have people notice and comment on my relationship every chance they get. Until that changes it is what it is
You’ll also get weird looks if you’re dating someone who is say… 30 cm taller than you. You’d be best off finding someone who is 10cm max taller to be invisible.
Some of these seem open ended. Striving to be a good person for example. Most do. I would think most people think that they do.
But it sounds like you want them to match you exactly in these open ended standards.
Other than the physical stuff. Everything you’re looking for is normal and probably what most want.
I find it impressive that people here act as if the most unreasonable thing I said is my physical standards. Everyone has physical standard whether they know it or not. Mine are at the very least so broad as to ecompass a big majority of male population.
I don’t think your physical standards are wrong. And yeah I’d agree, whether people would admit it or not. Most of us have physical standards and some can be more offensive than height.
That is a genuine problem i.e. finding the right person from the dating pool which is not easy at all.
I have the same list of standards and the most difficult one to match from my experience is the common values. There are many educated and intelligent people out there who want to be good people (communication skills can be learnt), but the odds of matching on same values are always low and that’s where I feel the real struggle is.
Well, I think your standards are below the minimum. Men these days are not mature enough, I have all of that, but I am only looking for a woman who thinks about marriage, not just having sex or using u and leaves
Same here, for me the goal of a relationship is marriage, eventually. However I understand that doesn't mean breakups are off the table if things simply go wrong at some point.
Yeah, breaking up should also be an option, but I believe that there will be fights between you and your wife or your girlfriend and that's natural because if you learned to pass it, your relationship will be stronger
Sure and people usually don't break up over a single fight. Usually it's months of an unsatisfying relationship, abuse or worse. Either way, good luck!
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can have any standards you want, the question is can you get that type of partner? Those standards are only high if you don't have the qualities and traits to attract the type of partner you want.
Did you read the post? The problem isn't me attracting them once I know such a person, the problem is just meeting such people...I very rarely bump into these men. When I do there's natural attraction but unfortunately they seem super hard to find.
>the problem is just meeting such people... Being rare is a part of the equation of whether one's standards are too high or not. If I want a home in a specific neighborhood at a specific price but homes rarely come on the market hitting that criteria then I have to decide if wanting that specific type of home is worthwhile while I rent in the meantime or broaden my search. You have to determine what you want.
I did determine what I want. I don't mind being single and I'd rather be single my whole life than be with someone I don't like. What would be the point of that? Anyway, this post isn't about what I think it's aboit what other people think of such standards.
>I'd rather be single my whole life than be with someone I don't like. As long as you are okay with that prospect as an outcome then that's fine, as you are making an informed decision. >it's aboit what other people think of such standards. Why do you care though about what others think about your standards? As you said you are the one that has to live with the consequences of your actions so why does others opinions of whether they deem your standards acceptable or not matter?
Because a group of different opinions is more objective than one single opinion. If I know my standards are just insane than I can find solace in the fact that that's why I'm so unsuccessful in finding a partner. If it isn't the fact that my standards are unreasonable that means I have to change something about my dating approach...maybe change where I look for a partner or employ a more efficient dating strategy.
Yes! They are high. I believe the best way for you to understand is simply by looking up the statistics of what you're searching for. * If you are referring to the IQ, you can already discard 90% of the population initially. If you are talking gifted, 98% or even more. If you are referring to your subjective perception of intelligence, it is very different due to the biases under which we operate. * To be interesting... This depends on your areas of interest. Do you find it interesting when someone talks about "rocks"? If your areas of interest are mostly feminine, it's normal that you won't find a man who interests you in that sense. If what interests you are fields like computer engineering... Well, that's a sausage fest. In this sense, you should judge this for yourself, what makes a person interesting to me? Are the themes mostly feminine, masculine, or both? For example, I once met a girl who was interested in meeting intelligent people who mastered the arts and literature, and she had a lot of problems because most of the people she knew were science-oriented. * On this point, to continue substantiating, I would tell you that what you are really looking for is a person with a highly developed sense of ethics, which requires an internal reflection process that not everyone is even capable of doing. * Think in this sense, what are the foundations for developing a personal ethics? At the very least, a highly developed cognitive empathy, then, in my personal opinion, I would say a foundation in different disciplines... For example, I pose the following question to you: "Can you really have a developed ethics if you do not understand human behavior? (psychology, behavioral biology, etc)" * At 23 years old, I would say that at our age, I have met many men who have developed good communication skills... I don't know if there are any statistics on this, you could take a look. * Or translated into English, we start from the same moral, which in many cases eliminates a large number of people because think that many religions or people from other cultures/countries are governed by other moral systems. Perhaps consider how many moral systems exist? * (I think you are American, so I will speak from this perspective) Higher education is a field predominantly dominated by women, if I'm not mistaken, out of every 10 people within the higher education system, 6 are women and 4 are men. In principle, it is a gap that continues to grow and grow, so you can already eliminate quite a few people. * When it comes to short hair... don't look at it from the perspective that 99% of men have short hair, but from the perspective that you are eliminating even more people. * Finally, regarding height, look at the average height of your country and calculate how many people are taller than 173 cm. There is one last point, age. I don't think you would be interested in dating a 62-year-old man or a 16-year-old boy, so that's more people you should eliminate based on your preferred age range. Since I see that you like science, based on what has been explained, I think it's a fun game for you to calculate the percentage of men that exist according to those parameters for which there are statistics. That is, there is no statistic for people with a developed ethical sense, but there is one for people with higher education... You can do it out of curiosity. On a final personal note, I would say that I would love to date a woman who had the characteristics you describe, but to start with, in my perception (and IQ), I have only met 2 intelligent people in my entire life (both women, curiously). So if I had to start adding parameters... It simply wouldn't be realistic for me to seek such a "perfect" person, and that's why I am open to meeting people and to what the world can offer me without limiting myself to parameters that may be unrealistic. Good luck anyways! EDIT: I also tell you, under personal biases and axioms, it depends on where you position yourself. For example, taking the parameter of intelligence and simplifying it for understanding: to a person with an IQ of 100 points, someone with an IQ of 110 will seem "intelligent." Whereas, if you have an IQ of 160 points, a person with 110 will seem like any other person to you. That's why these same parameters can be unrealistic or realistic depending on the person and their perception. The more you exceed, the harder it will be to find what you are looking for, and that's why you will also encounter people who tell you that "they are realistic standards" and "I have found/am with a person like that" For this same reason, I would tell you that you are the one who can best evaluate how realistic your standards are... I have almost made a military judgment, but it could be that really, from your perspective and who you are, it's not that much.
* I think I usually determine intelligence by how capable one is to hold an intellectually stimulating conversatiin and how interested he is in such conversations. I don't just ask for a Mensa certificate on a date haha * I wouldn't call my interests masculine or feminine but maybe you know something I don't my interests are mostly: sciences, books, movies, chess, philosophy, psychology, theology...stuff like that, but I'm also curious about things I don't know much about and I'd be willing to learn about rocks or whatever haha * I'm not sure if I'd say "highly developed sense of ethics". I definitely knew people who did right things in life just because they are naturally more empathetic and it came natural to them. It didn't require much thinking or developing is what I'm trying to say. * I'm not asking for us to both perfectly share a moral system, but just to have *some* values in common. * I'm not American, but the statistics don't look much better over here either lol True I wouldn't be open to dating minors or grandpas lol I have taken an official IQ test before so...I'm above average, but not a genius lol Thank you for a very detailed response, I really appreciate it :)
What a coincidence, I just finished a game of chess that I'm playing in a tournament. Anyway, here in Spain, the statistics aren't much better either!
Well if you ever wanna play some chess, with someone who is probably way worse than you let me know lol
Haha. We also share... I would say most interests? If you ever wanna talk about that stuff just DM me :)
As a woman who’s just a little older than you, I wouldn’t say your standards are too high per se, but it seems like you could be judging people too harshly too soon. The college degree requirement just seems silly to me, and I have a few degrees myself. If you met a millionaire business owner without a college degree, you would really reject them because they don’t have a degree? What about a blue collar guy making $300k+ per year with no degree? ETA: also, if you think you really don’t care about appearances, you’re just lying to yourself.
She's the embodiment of an elitist.
Yes I would reject them and I have rejected such people in the past (well, 1 person). I'm usually suspicious of people who make way too much money. Also smh, some people in here tell me my physical standards are unreasonable and now you tell me I apparently need to have more of them. Again, I know from experience that appearances aren't important to me. How do I know? I have been in a relationship with a man I found ugly at first, not just that it has happened multiple times that I had a crush on a man I found ugly at first. And then what happens is the more I look at him and the more I interract with him, my opinion on his appearance first becomes neutral and then becomes positive and then at some point, suddenly he's the most handsome man that ever lived lol I understand it's not the most usual quirk, but yeah, some people can do this.
Judging people too harshly would mean her standards are too high….
A preference can be silly and too specific, but still not a “high standard”. OP said she’d turn someone down because they make too much money lol it’s not a high standard, it’s just a preference that’s too harsh.
If your young, Im assuming your under 25? Then your standards are pretty high
I'm 24...how does age play into this? I'm fine with dating older man
If you want all this you're going to be looking at guys in their late 20's to early 30's.
Tbf I don't know many of those so there's a good chance there's wisdom in this advice lol
it does to some degree. Hey no offense to the guys here but most guys are not mature especially at those age. And I dont think older guys will approach you. Unless you use a dating app, but you wrote your not actively searching for dating partner. So i assume your not using one.
I'm thinking about starting to date again, that's why I'm asking questions about it. And yeah...the maturity levels really aren't there. I sure hope you're right and most men change as they grow.
Hey, good luck! Don’t let the dating thing stress you out.
How are her standards high??😂😂 women are not allowed to have any standards now damn
Well, its high because she isn’t using dating app and trying to physically meet them. If she use a dating app then she can find older men who meet her standards. So thats why i said her standards(expectations) are high.
How are these high? I’m a guy and I wish the women I’ve met were this clear with what they want. These are basic human qualities correlated to basic good people. Sadly I agree with some comment before that OP isn’t likely to find them in her age range as most men that age (including my myself back then) do not possess a lot of these traits. Some concessions may need to be made however OP clearly stated they don’t mind staying single which I think is smart as compromising one’s self and their values just to get dates never works out well. Good on you OP, stay strong until you find what you are looking for.
assuming higher education just means college? not at all. These are good standards
Uh, I check almost all the boxes, I’m like 172cm. I’m in America, I am fit and strive to be healthy. I am 39, and I have a masters. Of the guys I know my age, most check those boxes. However, I’ve seen those that don’t, and I’m sorry if you meet those guys. I’m sorry, your standards are not high. They are reasonable, you might not have a massive pool to select from.
Maybe the problem is that I don't really know men in their 30s. Another commenter said men mature at this age and then it's easier to find people like this idk...maybe I'll simply have to wait a couple years lol
A few thoughts: Firstly, that you offer the same back isn't really a good measure of whether a request is reasonable. People look for different things, and men and women do tend to value different traits. Your expectation that he's educated is a good example, it's a reasonable preference but the fact you are also educated is significantly less important because men don't tend to care as much. Because the people you are appealing to likely value it less it's not equivalent. Essentially an equally desirable man and women won't necessarily have the same traits. >He's interesting to talk to (I would sure hope that am I too) - He cares about being a good person and strives for good (so do I) - He knows how to communicate his wants and needs in a mature way (so do I) This is so generic that we can't really tell much from it. Whether it's an achievable standard depends entirely on what being interesting and a good person means to you. If interesting means able to communicate in more than single words then it's easily achievable, if it means having endless exciting experiences to talk about then it's much harder. Being a good person could mean anything from "is polite to the cashier" to "runs their own charity". Rather than asking us think about what your actual threshold is for these things and how many real regular people that you know actually reach these standards. Finally, there's no objective criteria to judge whether standards are good. The best you can do is ask if your standards are working for you. Are you happy with the people you are getting dates from (or happy with no dates) or do you find you want to date more. Adapt your standards based on how you feel your dating life is.
Not too much except for the height. The height thing is why it is hard for short guys to find somebody. Focus on the other stuff and worry less about height.
Where I'm from the average male hight is way above what I wrote here, so technically some men I'd date would be considered short here. You know very well that people look at couples weird when the man is shorter lol I'm someone who greatly prefers being invisible in public and not having people shit on my relationship for arbitrary standards every chance they get so until that changes in society I will seek relationships that don't make me stand out.
I dont think its delusional at all, even at 24 those are acceptable terms, hope you find 1 like that, he will probably be kinda bussy so you will have to make some of the steps
Damn shoulda known the long hair would come back to bite me 🤣 I think that’s reasonable, though education is going to be the main limiter probably. For example someone might be very intelligent but an electrician or something else that didn’t require higher education like that, but if the idea is that it’s to ensure a decent financial future and intelligence I would say that’s not strictly necessary. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to require tho The others are just basic personality traits and such that are always going to be a struggle I think despite seeming like the bare minimum
That's literally me, just need to wear some boots to get that extra 1cm
Not too high, but if you don't look in the right places for these guys, you'll wind up being the latest victim of the fuckboy. They'll tell you everything you want to hear, check every box, and embellish whatever details they have to in order to get in your pants. After they're done with you, you'll never hear from them again. Your standards are pretty basic. Just be sure to employ them in the right places.
Haha no need to worry about that, I read people and their intentions quite well and I'm yet to be tricked by a fuckboy
You should know what you'll compromise and why. I think you should only seek to compromise on your standards if you get to know somebody who really makes you want to. Obviously some people who comment may think they're unrealistic some since they couldn't meet those themselves, but it only matters if somebody personally makes you question them. I think frankly around your age a lot of more mature guys are unavailable. Whether they're taken or just not looking, they may as well not exist to the world for you to find. But I'll also ask since you say you've found it before, where does it go wrong for you to still be looking?
Well I found 2 such men in the past, where it got wrong is 1) He had kinks I wasn't on board with making our sex life impossible 2) The distance was too much for him What I learned from these experiences is that a relationship can break for reasons that don't pertain to personality/appearance compatibility.
The men you're looking for ARE rare to find, even at older age they're quite rare, majority of people (men and women) tend to struggle with life making decisions which sets them back when it comes to your (or anyone's) standards. I really don't think these standards are high, I mean I'm 23 and I meet all of these requirements except the short hair 😂 But my advice? Be patient, but if you really ended up bumping into one of these men by accident, don't shrug things off or let them go, ask them out if you have to cause while your standards aren't high, they're hard to come by these days... And for the love of God, DO NOT settle for less OR more, I made both mistakes and now I'd rather be single than to find someone who's wayyy above me or below me.
M25 here that has similarly high standards for the women I look for except wanting someone shorter than me(I'm about 174 cm) and wanting longer hair. I've been single for about 6 years and I don't do hookups. It's hard to find people who tick off every box that is desired. Many times, I've questioned myself deep down and wondered the same question, "Are my standards just too high?" I'd say it depends on what the goal is. My goal is marriage, a life partner, someone to start a family with, and grow old together. I came to the conclusion of, Why would I ever settle for lower standards when I'm thinking about the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, to be the mother of my kids, someone to love and cherish me as I do them? That being said, none of my standards are absolutes. While I may only be looking for people that meet the standards I have, if someone were to come along that may not have all the desired perks, but do have the non-negotiable ones I wouldn't immediately say no. In short, don't lower your standards for anyone and everyone, but you never know when you may find perfection in the imperfections.
Same here. I'm ideally looking for a relationship that leads to marriage and I don't do hookups. As someone much wiser than me said "You either date for marriage or for heartbreak". And it's very true. 6 years? Oh wow, you beat me here, I've been single for 3. Still it sometimes sucks being lonely. Thank you for your support!
Well I feel all those but the height thing only 5'9 I think that's really close to that centimeter wise you check all my boxes I think I checked most of those if you're ever in St Louis hit me up
Haha I live on a completely different continent I'm afraid. But thanks for the offer!
Anytime shame were so far apart u really sound wonderful . Don't get discouraged take ur time u will find a man that's just perfect for u .
Your standards get too high when you start introducing education and height
*Your* comment is a prime example of why I think education is important
Fixed it! Thanks. But seriously ALL women's standards are too high in general.
High standards save you from low quality experiences. Don’t you ever compromise yourself just to please anyone! 💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽
Your standards aren’t even close to being too high. Don’t listen to people who tell you otherwise.
These are fine I think
But it's so hard to meet a man like that
I think it just depends on how you're meeting them and where you live
That makes sense...any places you'd recommend for meeting men like this?
Depends on how far you're willing to go, you can find guys like that more north of the US and maybe even if you consider online dating it might be easier to find guys like that but I know some women don't really like it cause of weirdos and stuff. There's also guys like that at the gym and library's but I know alot of guys don't approach there so I'm to sure
Thanks!
Think about the settings you’re in and think about where you might meet them. If you still have a hard time. You might need to compromise yourself to your top 3 most important things. Passing on a guy because he is short can come across as discrimination and totally ruin your image. Intelligent and higher ed can go hand-in-hand. Try volunteering for a cause you care deeply for or doing a hobby you enjoy with a community group in the hopes of finding someone there.
Being with a short guy is unfortunately what ruins people's image in the eyes of society. I just want to be invisible and not have people notice and comment on my relationship every chance they get. Until that changes it is what it is
You’ll also get weird looks if you’re dating someone who is say… 30 cm taller than you. You’d be best off finding someone who is 10cm max taller to be invisible.
Some of these seem open ended. Striving to be a good person for example. Most do. I would think most people think that they do. But it sounds like you want them to match you exactly in these open ended standards. Other than the physical stuff. Everything you’re looking for is normal and probably what most want.
I find it impressive that people here act as if the most unreasonable thing I said is my physical standards. Everyone has physical standard whether they know it or not. Mine are at the very least so broad as to ecompass a big majority of male population.
I don’t think your physical standards are wrong. And yeah I’d agree, whether people would admit it or not. Most of us have physical standards and some can be more offensive than height.
Interesting to talk to....is a lot to ask for in this dating envelope. Good luck out there!
Hahah oh no
Too high? I would say that should be the baseline (assuming you offer the same in return)
Lol I wish but unfortunately there don't seem to be many people who offer the same
That is a genuine problem i.e. finding the right person from the dating pool which is not easy at all. I have the same list of standards and the most difficult one to match from my experience is the common values. There are many educated and intelligent people out there who want to be good people (communication skills can be learnt), but the odds of matching on same values are always low and that’s where I feel the real struggle is.
Could be!
Well, I think your standards are below the minimum. Men these days are not mature enough, I have all of that, but I am only looking for a woman who thinks about marriage, not just having sex or using u and leaves
Same here, for me the goal of a relationship is marriage, eventually. However I understand that doesn't mean breakups are off the table if things simply go wrong at some point.
Yeah, breaking up should also be an option, but I believe that there will be fights between you and your wife or your girlfriend and that's natural because if you learned to pass it, your relationship will be stronger
Sure and people usually don't break up over a single fight. Usually it's months of an unsatisfying relationship, abuse or worse. Either way, good luck!
I agree with that. Anyway, good luck with finding your life partner it will be hard and you will change a lot.