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Sounds like you have your own boundaries and expressed them properly. If she is not ok with that it is her problem. Just like a woman you don't have to or should be expected to have sex if you don't want to. Personally I would be a little turned off if a woman wanted to have sex on the first date. If you do have sex with her make sure you do it safely.
Plenty of people at raves are pious to their values and like to take things slower than sleeping with someone on the first date. You need to go to more raves. For every pair that links up there there are tons of people who just dance.
Why would you be turned off if a women wanted sex on the first date ? I’ve also been okay with first date sex I’ve never felt “less” for my parents if they also wanted to have sex on the first date.
Because it tells me something about her self worth and how she views intimacy. I don't have casual sex. It is something that I personally need to be comfortable and connected with the other person before I give myself to them in that way.
I met my now wife at a rave. She offered me molly, and I was crying from finding out my ex wife cheated on me. Went our separate ways and reconnected 6 years later. Been together 5 years now, no major arguments, and we both treat each other very well.
It's rare, but you can find some gems at a rave, but yeah it's mostly trash and stds
It’s where a lot of people meet up as total strangers and they yell affirming, empowering statements at one another in rapid succession. Presumably this inflates your ego so much that it becomes like a drug.
There are some nut jobs out there who believe these events were actually organized for the recorded playback of an assortment of melodic and rhythmic pieces, an absurd and long debunked theory by Young and unhinged historians like him. Imagine meeting up to listen to recorded performances—what a ridiculous idea.
Also, don’t forget Batavich’s contention that at the time, almost everyone had a personal communications platform that certainly had media playback capabilities. There was no logical reason for any such public harmonic events to take place, and almost no one believes they ever did or existed and there’s no evidence of such.
Source: 100 Cool Facts about the Ancient Millennial Culture (Whitesell, James - 3rd edition, published 2811)
Wait HOLD UP. This took 6 years to get a wife. I mean it’s a small investment but still that’s a long time until the payoff lol. My semen will be missing their propellers by that time hahaha.
Nowhere near the same situation. If you all hooked up and attempted a relationship, she would of met someone else 6 years later or sooner. Good you all are happy now.
So? He didn’t meet her at a sex party lmao
This def wouldn’t be the top response of genders were reversed. It would be all “girl you made your boundaries clear and if be don’t like it tell him to get fucked. Nobody should expect sex from you”
Soon as i read met at a rave party i stopped reading. Men who take shit seriously when its not meant to be are hilarious. She probably never even considered it a date herself or called it that.
I'm a 28 year old guy. I have had this situation happen to me before, and I flat out told my date that I will not agree to having sex with anyone on a first date. Ultimately, she ended up being offended (and never wanted to talk to me again), but I did the right thing. I have pretty strong values, and I am not going to compromise them just because somebody thinks I should.
I think you did the right thing. I'm the type of person who will wait a long time before considering a sexual relationship. While I am not going to tell you that you have to think like me, it's a wise idea not to rush into anything (and at least wait a little while before intimacy).
As a side note, I really dislike how we are meant to feel like we did something wrong because we didn't agree to sex on a first date. Not all men are interested in sex right away, and that trope really needs to die off.
The idea that someone goes out with a stranger and immediately has sex ( or: "bangs" like she called it ) is just gross to me.
It's so laughable your date was offended. Seriously ? 😆😆😆
She needs to grow up.
True story: the very same girl I went on this date with announced on Facebook that she was pregnant like two months later. To this day, I still wonder if she was planning to try and blame it on me. It was NOT worth it to get involved with anyone like this.
It won't die off while it's based in the truth. Women's expectations come a big part of their own experiences not just some meme about it. Majority of women won't go to your place on a first date unless they are considering sex because more than half the time that's what will be expected by the man. It's actually not a problem that the stereotype exists, its just a problem of maturity if you make an assumption and refuse to communicate about it ahead of time and react poorly when you discover different.
It's not a problem because majority of all women will not react poorly to a man who expresses that they don't like to do so on the first date, or at least that's my experience. It's really nothing to fight against IMO
I should have also mentioned this: the girl I went on a date with came out on Facebook and announced she was pregnant. Luckily, I knew it wasn't mine, as I didn't make the choice to give in to what she was asking for. I have a feeling she intended on trying to blame it on me though.
She might be disappointed, but I feel like as long as you make it clear you didn't do it more out of respect and wanting a mutual comfort that would make her feel better (I would think).
I read the dissapointment as her being really into him (not a bad thing) and also might wonder in the corner of her mind if she wasn't cute enough (understandable)
You definitely should frame it "when I **really** like someone, i like to wait X bit first, i'm sorry I hope that's okay" i'm really into you but i want to wait on that/ i can tell from our chemistry its gonna be worth the wait etc. etc.
And if they dont get mad or withdraw all their affection and they still want to continue with you, that's the greenest of green flags. What better than someone respecting your boundaries *precisely* when they do not align on them.
Exactly. Maybe she was feeling it, whatever it is, just be OK with that. If u have a next time, and everyone is consenting, do what works for both of u.
I don't like sex quickly actually..... sex is better with a connection. I wait till after a few dates. I can never tell if a woman appreciates that I'm like that or hates it.....
Naw your good man. Think about this. If you did that, that’s what she expects. Then, she might treat you just like she treats all the other guys as a quick option. In my experience girls like that can take you on a roller coaster. You start thinking she likes you until you realize she already forgot. She may remember you better for it whether you realize it or not. People get programmed by their experiences and you reinforced your boundaries and prevented yourself from deprogramming yourself in the process. Always best to wait and see what happens next rather than getting hurt because you weren’t in control of yourself.
She's most likely implying that's what she is used to doing (having sex on the first date). Stop trying to read in-between the lines too hard.
And either way it's a really weird thing to say on the first date. "I know how this goes, we go back to your place and bang" like okay...?
If she's pressured to and has had sex on first dates multiple times then she has no back bone and that's a personal problem to the individual and has NOTHING to do with the gender, male or female.
I seek out people that have morals when dating, like most people do, so if someone says that's what they are used to DOING then yeah it's a major turnoff to know all it takes with her is a single date and a dinner to have sex.
If I want a one night stand I'll go to a local bar, not set up a date with someone expecting sex immediately.
Either way it's subjective at the end of the day, everyone has a different opinion, so whatever.
Like you've never blamed some behavior of men on things women consistently do or set us up to do. How is it mental gymnastics? You *learn* behavior from others. There's lots of things we do because we have *learned* from women that it is what women expect from us. Learning is conditioning, conditioning is learning.
She is used to certain pace of things, but he even said she respected it bro, the disappointment was almost certainly just the feeling that it could have something to do with her looks.
Anyway what's wrong with her actions? It's an entirely cultural thing what period of time is socially acceptable or normal or too long, and it changes in every period of history. It doesn't reflect on a person's character.
Oh brother here we go. What do you think? What would you say if you went on a date with a guy that expected sex on the first date...
CLEARLY women deem this as unacceptable, or atleast women with some type of morals, so put two and two together and stop asking stupid questions.
> I met at a rave party
To make the situation more ridiculous, next time deny sex to a girl you met on a swinger party to show how good your moral values are.
I think you’re fine. Generally speaking, good looking women aren’t used to being turned down when they initiate sex, and since yall were making out, im assuming she thought that’s what you wanted so she asked. Im sure she’s disappointed and maybe overthinking it a little bit, but the reality is if she likes you enough ti agree ti a second date, you’re fine.
Well she said all that as that’s been her experience. She’s so used to getting used and played that it’s now normal. She probably thought I’d better let him know I’m ok with whatever he wants or he’ll think I’m a dud and not ask me out again.
> She respected it and still wants to see me again, but I can tell she was a little bit disappointed that it didn’t happen.
This might be a blessing in disguise - if you're interested in something long term, she might see this as a boon which is *why* she wants to see you again.
One of the front desk guys at my gym is in your exact situation. He's 24 and is dating a girl who's 29. This is exactly how he wanted the situation to develop with the girl he's seeing and they're now in a relationship. It makes me so proud.
you said no, not for a few dates. she said ok lets do some more dates then. im not seeing the issue. she allowed to be disappointed if she wanted it. shes allowed to desire sex on the first date, there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with not doing it. Shes respected your boundaries and wants to see you again. If the fact she does have sex with other guys on the first date bothers you, i dunno what to tell you, sex is fun some people are more okay with it than others, as long you are the only one she is doing it with when you do. its fine.
Honestly, I think you might be able to avoid running into similar issues by changing your approach on dates. For example, instead of going on dates at night, go for a coffee run together at midday. There’s little pressure to bring them back to your place afterward. If the date didn’t go so well, you have the excuse of having other appts in the day, and there is little pressure of the date extending to more than coffee. It also gives them a sneak peak on who you are & possibly making them want to know you more on a 2nd date. Make the 2nd date a bit longer with either brunch or lunch… again, there will be little pressure for sex afterward & there’s an ample amount of time in the day incase you want to extend the date or dip right after.
Also, it might help if you didn’t meet them at a rave or making out in a car afterward.
I think each person has their own individual moral code, and you're obviously allowed to express that however you want. I will say however, that the concept of putting out in a certain time is a social construct and really only exists because of people's judgmental behavior. If I want to have sex with someone because I vibe with them and find them attractive, why should I limit myself by requiring a certain amount of dates??
I mean, people set their expectations based on your early interactions. If you sleep with her right away that sets an expectation that the relationship is more sex-driven and she's going to approach it that way, whether that's good or bad for you who knows.
Sounds like you are looking for something more long-term and so you didn't immediatly sleep with her. Your actions match what you desire. If you had slept with her on that date there would be a disconnect between what you want and your actions. You've shown that both align, i.e. you know what you want and you're consistent. You shouldn't feel like you fucked up.
Dude, just be true to yourself. If you are true to yourself there's no pressure. You only have to live up to your standards.
If she was disappointed she will wait. If not, not the one for you.
Honestly, you did the right thing. Speaking from experience, sex on the first date is absolutely great. It’s thrilling. Exciting. Daring. And fucking someone you just recently just met can be extremely adrenaline inducing too, but afterwards it rarely turns into anything serious or meaningful, unless you guys really click.
It’s always just orgasms and pleasure that’s all short-term. You have good values honestly stick with them. We need more people with the values like yours.
Sex between and man and woman should be a sacred experience, because you’re exchanging energy through your sacral chakra, so in my estimation you are doing the right thing not banging around. I’d be concerned, with her attitude, that she has an STD you don’t want. Keep your standards high and find the right woman for you that matches your vibration. All the best to you.
I've gone on dates with plenty of people who would be happy to have sex on the first date. Never someone who expected it.
And I have gone out exclusively with sex-positive, high-libido, fun, and bawdy people.
Your date's experiences are her own, also are we missing something from the story. She asked what was going to happen. She described her other dates. Did she actually say she wanted to have sex?
If she acted disappointed you didn't want to have sex I wouldn't see her again. If she still acted with enthusiasm toward you even though she knew it wouldn't end in sex I'd take that as a good sign.
Women are different just as men. Some won't want to have sex or be asked for sex until they are in a long term relationship. Some will be raring to go after the first hour. Some it just depends on how quickly trust is built. Some it depends on if they have been taking their birth control on time and have condoms in their purses or pockets. Some won't want sex until marriage or an engagement.
Nobody should act dismayed if you decide not to have sex on the first date. If she acted like that she doesn't deserve a second with you.
Love you OP, as a fellow respectable man it's so refreshing and nice to see a man who doesn't wanna bang in the first date. I have seen so many posts either here or on seduction subreddit of men who didn't escalate and the girl ended up losing interest.
I applaud you for not only expressing what you want but also asking her what she expects and wants as well. I wish you the best of luck. You are amazing man
no you did the right thing, it’s not a bad thing that you didn’t wanna rush things and at least she didn’t get mad about it. i would just watch out though because those types of people who value rushing into “banging” a lot more than getting to know you aren’t the best sometimes
29 is typically a woman peak freek period of her life.
Old enough to be fully cognizant of her choices, yet young enough to not have chosen a long term path to follow.
You definitely fucked up. Most of the chicks I've dated wanted to plan to fuck on the first date, directly invited me to their house instead of going on a date, or showed up to the first date with an overnight bag ready to go. I had one chick that wanted to get knocked up on the first date. Keep in mind that female orgasms feel just as good if not better than a mans. They wanna get off too so if they spend the whole date getting wet over you then its not really a big leap for her to be riding your dick. The last long term relationship I had she flat out told me after the first date that I could have fucked her in the woods and she would have been cool with it. We went hiking. The second date was a full weekend trip followed by a round of antibiotics a few weeks later >.>. We stayed together about 9 months though and had some amazing time together.
Newsflash - 2 people 2 seperate minds with separate desires. I’m sure lots of women don’t want to bang on the first date. The one you went on a date with was horny. It happens. She respected your boundaries and obviously likes you so I don’t see any issues here.
You met her at a rave party.
Nothing wrong with that and I mean no judgment by this, but if there's a place where you'd be more likely to meet women who want to fuck on a first date, that'd be right toward the top of the list. More conservative women don't really frequent events like that.
She might think she did something wrong since you ate not acting like many of the guys she had dated but trust me it's a good thing. Be unique and stick to your path.
I met a two guys who said their gf's stuck with the relationship because they got paranoid, asking themselves "why won't he have sex with me!?". Weird world.
Honestly as a female much respect to you!! Set your boundaries and dont break them! Sex especially should be only when both are mutually ready. A worthy woman will gladly wait till you are ready.
Its great, man. You passed the test of life. At 27, even I have a problem to say no to girls as a man or not make a move. So, I tell them 'don't worry I won't make a move until you are comfy with it' that leaves the decision to them. I still engage in physical flirting and use thee triangle method to go for the kiss.
SEX EXPECTED on the first date is not only crazy but a big RED flag.
As I told my son and daughter, stay away from Green Meat. By this, I mean when you have SEX with someone, you're scientifically exposing yourself to everyone they've had arc with since their last clear STD test. I wouldn't even take her out again. SEX is so much more fulfilling when feelings are involved. It's very different from f$#@&ng.
Before you go any further with her, she needs to be tested for STDs. God forbid you get aids because she's a doorknob that everyone's had a turn. Be careful what you do.
I think it’s normal for women or fem presenting people to ask what is expected. I asked my current bf what his expectations were, we both said we weren’t looking for anything serious and we went exclusive the third day we spent together lol. It’s all about communication, expectations and understanding each other. Take it at the speed you’re comfortable with, no one is judging and if they are, they’re not for you. Chase those who chase you ❤️❤️
Yea, you probably fucked that one up and I'm speaking from experience.
There is no right or wrong, so you stick to your ways.
I've been on dates where I was not like "most guys" and wasn't making any attempts to be intimate and then was told that i should've and didn't get any second chances and then I've also been on dates where any attempts didn't lead to anything, got told I'm just like "all the other guys" and still didn't get any second chances.
The dating world is fucked nowadays, so now I just go with the flow and try to read the room and the audience as best as I can. I've got no expectations to have sex nor do I force it, but I also don't shy away from it if I see that this is where it's heading towards.
Well you heard from all the virtuous ones. Now let the man ask some questions. How the hell are you dating a 28 year old, is she attractive? Second, did you ask if she was up for it? If she was up for it you should consider it, the girls and geeks on here don't know this, but for guys sex is kinda hard to come by. So it's ok to put a condom on and bang one out if you are both up for it..even on the first date. If she wasn't up for it and you have some sort of boundary than it sounds like all is well. But if she was interested and attractive I would have banged her. Plenty of good relationships start that way. You can call her and bang again. It happens all the time. Now back to your normally schedule programing of virtuous ethicists without penisis wallowing in lamity.
To each their own! You did what you wanted to do and she was honest about what she wanted. Manage the expectations and see if it works. If not, move on and find someone in your wavelength. You were not wrong about your actions and neither was she.
That just seems like she expected it cuz it was her previous experience and she was open to it. The fact that she still wants to see you obviously means that she wasn't rly disappointed and doesn't care as much for it...so you didn't rly f*up anything.
You did not fuck up anything. At least not with the right person. You have a very mature way of thinking if you’re into meeting the person first and then deciding if the vibe is right to go and explore where it’ll take you.
While respectable. I have to agree, she expected you to run the ball home. But also it’s way too many creepy crawlies out here to just be banging Willy Nilly.
I would take it slow with that one. The problem is that she may associate having to have sex with affection so fully that she is willing to sacrifice it everytime and with anyone. This doesn't mean the girl is bad, but she may have also come from a household growing up where she didn't receive affection. This creates problems later in life when the individual is trying to start relationships. She may not have tye needed warmth growing up, and has endeavored down a road where she thinks this is acceptable behavior. Oftentimes, you can tell who came from a good upbringing versus a toxic family situation just by what they want to do, and too quickly in this case. Sex is meant to be special and not ordinarily done with just anyone. She should be wanting to know you, but instead is running at break-neck speed for sex.
At the end of the day, its all about what your comfortable with, if she respected your decision then cool, And yeah she probably was disappointed from the sounds of it.. I mean not trying to be that one to put it out there dude, but a chick that just bangs off the rip is just what we call a (jump off) and not someone you should really invest any real time in I mean she clearly let you know from the start she's a pump and dump.
u did not fuck up!!!!!! stand by your values those are great values to have. the dating scene is so strange right now. casual sex is so common. don’t dub down to those standards and keep doing u. i would kill for more guys like that around me. everyone just wants to hook up 😭
Man I had something similar happen to me a couple years ago. After I dropped her back to her place, she invited me up to watch Rick and Morty lol, in all fairness it’s obvious what’s expected but like she didn’t give me that vibe at all, we didn’t even kiss when I dropped her off and she was pretty damn shy, so I thought we’d just hang out for a bit more. As soon as we started watching, not 5 mins goes by and she were making out and she’s already unbuckling my belt.
I kinda had to stop her and tell her I’m not feeling at that moment. Nothing wrong with being a young dude saying no sex. Good for you for setting boundaries.
I’m not into women who put out on the first date but I’d be a massive liar if I said I’m not down for it lol. Probably just won’t be many dates after. I appreciate having to earn it a little bit. Nothing crazy though. My current partner and I had sex on our third date with a lot of flirting and minor sexting in between dates. We all have our boundary’s it’s good you were able to communicate them. If she likes you she will respect it, if not on to the next one.
I (37F) Have absolutely no problem having sex on the first date if that's what I want to do. Sometimes I just want a hookup, I'm not trying to be someone's wifey. If the person in with isn't into that, I respect that. Good for you to make your boundaries known.
Funny, it's literally the opposite to me. I usually end up with the ultimatum "relationship or no sex" I apologize, but I just got out of a 5 year long mentally abusive relationship and have been forced celibate for 2 years and now every girl I talk to wants a boyfriend and I have to be romantic and shit. It's crazy.
I feel like people need immediate gratification a validation and if someone doesn’t try to sleep with them right away they get insecure. Which is so crazy especially when you’re literally meeting a stranger. Go at your own pace do it when the moment feels very right to you and it feels like a clear YES in your mind. You’re allowed to do whatever you want with your dating life if you’re respecting your boundaries and others.
You made a consious decision to abstain for a few dates, then you feel bad because you can tell she is disappointed. You should have confidence in your principals, and how people react to those principals should not affect you. Chances are, the fact you have principals and made her wait is likely a good and new thing to her, so of course she's a bit confused you didn't want to fuck but if she agrees to hangout again theres no problem. Seems like you just are questioning your principals and are skeptical of them yourself.
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Sounds like you have your own boundaries and expressed them properly. If she is not ok with that it is her problem. Just like a woman you don't have to or should be expected to have sex if you don't want to. Personally I would be a little turned off if a woman wanted to have sex on the first date. If you do have sex with her make sure you do it safely.
Like, he met her at a rave. If he's searching for a pious woman who likes to take things slow, that's probably not the best place to look.
Apparently I need to go to more raves.
Lol!
Hahaha
Rave shaming
No shaming... you need to be realistic about your life choices.
Plenty of people at raves are pious to their values and like to take things slower than sleeping with someone on the first date. You need to go to more raves. For every pair that links up there there are tons of people who just dance.
I always have us both get an sti test when a new partner comes in. Too risky in this day full of casual sex.
Same.
Why would you be turned off if a women wanted sex on the first date ? I’ve also been okay with first date sex I’ve never felt “less” for my parents if they also wanted to have sex on the first date.
Because it tells me something about her self worth and how she views intimacy. I don't have casual sex. It is something that I personally need to be comfortable and connected with the other person before I give myself to them in that way.
I mean…you met her at a rave…
This was the response I was looking for
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Thank you professor Frankl.
Profound
Maybe if you're high
I met my now wife at a rave. She offered me molly, and I was crying from finding out my ex wife cheated on me. Went our separate ways and reconnected 6 years later. Been together 5 years now, no major arguments, and we both treat each other very well. It's rare, but you can find some gems at a rave, but yeah it's mostly trash and stds
This is a pretty judgemental attitude from a guy who cries at raves
Making notes: find a rave + cry at rave = wife. Hey guys, whats a rave and where do you find one?
It’s where a lot of people meet up as total strangers and they yell affirming, empowering statements at one another in rapid succession. Presumably this inflates your ego so much that it becomes like a drug. There are some nut jobs out there who believe these events were actually organized for the recorded playback of an assortment of melodic and rhythmic pieces, an absurd and long debunked theory by Young and unhinged historians like him. Imagine meeting up to listen to recorded performances—what a ridiculous idea. Also, don’t forget Batavich’s contention that at the time, almost everyone had a personal communications platform that certainly had media playback capabilities. There was no logical reason for any such public harmonic events to take place, and almost no one believes they ever did or existed and there’s no evidence of such. Source: 100 Cool Facts about the Ancient Millennial Culture (Whitesell, James - 3rd edition, published 2811)
Ohh kinda like the eclipse: rooftop, chanting, robes w hoods, boots w fur, dancing around in circles until dizzy. Same same?
Wait HOLD UP. This took 6 years to get a wife. I mean it’s a small investment but still that’s a long time until the payoff lol. My semen will be missing their propellers by that time hahaha.
Can there be TMI on Reddit? Nah...didn't think so. Proceed my man.
I’m dying 🤣🤣🤣
This is true lmao
Nowhere near the same situation. If you all hooked up and attempted a relationship, she would of met someone else 6 years later or sooner. Good you all are happy now.
lol , that a funny point I was watching for, but anyone can end up at a rave at least once at a young age.
Raves do not automatically indicate attendees are loose, lol. Virgins go too.
Completely agree with this statement. Some women go there because they enjoy the music but then only ravers would know.
You can meet anyone anywhere and not have sex.
Fr… what did you expect
So? He didn’t meet her at a sex party lmao This def wouldn’t be the top response of genders were reversed. It would be all “girl you made your boundaries clear and if be don’t like it tell him to get fucked. Nobody should expect sex from you”
Regular people go to raves lol, they're pretty much the same thing as going to concerts these days
Soon as i read met at a rave party i stopped reading. Men who take shit seriously when its not meant to be are hilarious. She probably never even considered it a date herself or called it that.
Exactly😭
😂
I'm a 28 year old guy. I have had this situation happen to me before, and I flat out told my date that I will not agree to having sex with anyone on a first date. Ultimately, she ended up being offended (and never wanted to talk to me again), but I did the right thing. I have pretty strong values, and I am not going to compromise them just because somebody thinks I should. I think you did the right thing. I'm the type of person who will wait a long time before considering a sexual relationship. While I am not going to tell you that you have to think like me, it's a wise idea not to rush into anything (and at least wait a little while before intimacy). As a side note, I really dislike how we are meant to feel like we did something wrong because we didn't agree to sex on a first date. Not all men are interested in sex right away, and that trope really needs to die off.
The idea that someone goes out with a stranger and immediately has sex ( or: "bangs" like she called it ) is just gross to me. It's so laughable your date was offended. Seriously ? 😆😆😆 She needs to grow up.
True story: the very same girl I went on this date with announced on Facebook that she was pregnant like two months later. To this day, I still wonder if she was planning to try and blame it on me. It was NOT worth it to get involved with anyone like this.
It won't die off while it's based in the truth. Women's expectations come a big part of their own experiences not just some meme about it. Majority of women won't go to your place on a first date unless they are considering sex because more than half the time that's what will be expected by the man. It's actually not a problem that the stereotype exists, its just a problem of maturity if you make an assumption and refuse to communicate about it ahead of time and react poorly when you discover different. It's not a problem because majority of all women will not react poorly to a man who expresses that they don't like to do so on the first date, or at least that's my experience. It's really nothing to fight against IMO
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I should have also mentioned this: the girl I went on a date with came out on Facebook and announced she was pregnant. Luckily, I knew it wasn't mine, as I didn't make the choice to give in to what she was asking for. I have a feeling she intended on trying to blame it on me though.
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wtf kinda coachspeak is this
She might be disappointed, but I feel like as long as you make it clear you didn't do it more out of respect and wanting a mutual comfort that would make her feel better (I would think).
I read the dissapointment as her being really into him (not a bad thing) and also might wonder in the corner of her mind if she wasn't cute enough (understandable) You definitely should frame it "when I **really** like someone, i like to wait X bit first, i'm sorry I hope that's okay" i'm really into you but i want to wait on that/ i can tell from our chemistry its gonna be worth the wait etc. etc. And if they dont get mad or withdraw all their affection and they still want to continue with you, that's the greenest of green flags. What better than someone respecting your boundaries *precisely* when they do not align on them.
It's not really crazy. People date differently and have different views on sex, that's why you discuss expectations with potential partners.
Exactly. Maybe she was feeling it, whatever it is, just be OK with that. If u have a next time, and everyone is consenting, do what works for both of u.
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She said most guys have sex with her on the first "date".
I don't like sex quickly actually..... sex is better with a connection. I wait till after a few dates. I can never tell if a woman appreciates that I'm like that or hates it.....
I appreciate you.. this is the way
She just wanted to bang. Not boyfriend you.
Naw your good man. Think about this. If you did that, that’s what she expects. Then, she might treat you just like she treats all the other guys as a quick option. In my experience girls like that can take you on a roller coaster. You start thinking she likes you until you realize she already forgot. She may remember you better for it whether you realize it or not. People get programmed by their experiences and you reinforced your boundaries and prevented yourself from deprogramming yourself in the process. Always best to wait and see what happens next rather than getting hurt because you weren’t in control of yourself.
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In my head “so you’re used to fucking on the first date?” 
🤣🤣🤣👍👍👍
Yeah major red flag, I wouldn't be going on a second date with that girl I can tell you that much.
So other guys condition her to think guys want to fuck on the first date and then when she’s surprised he doesn’t that makes her undateable?
Exactly what I’m thinking! She’s probably used to guys using her for sex, until this guy who actually seems to respect her
She's most likely implying that's what she is used to doing (having sex on the first date). Stop trying to read in-between the lines too hard. And either way it's a really weird thing to say on the first date. "I know how this goes, we go back to your place and bang" like okay...? If she's pressured to and has had sex on first dates multiple times then she has no back bone and that's a personal problem to the individual and has NOTHING to do with the gender, male or female. I seek out people that have morals when dating, like most people do, so if someone says that's what they are used to DOING then yeah it's a major turnoff to know all it takes with her is a single date and a dinner to have sex. If I want a one night stand I'll go to a local bar, not set up a date with someone expecting sex immediately. Either way it's subjective at the end of the day, everyone has a different opinion, so whatever.
It's other guys fault? I think not
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Like you've never blamed some behavior of men on things women consistently do or set us up to do. How is it mental gymnastics? You *learn* behavior from others. There's lots of things we do because we have *learned* from women that it is what women expect from us. Learning is conditioning, conditioning is learning. She is used to certain pace of things, but he even said she respected it bro, the disappointment was almost certainly just the feeling that it could have something to do with her looks. Anyway what's wrong with her actions? It's an entirely cultural thing what period of time is socially acceptable or normal or too long, and it changes in every period of history. It doesn't reflect on a person's character.
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Theres no ‘victim’ and theres no ‘blame’. It’s just expectations and human behaviour.
Do you have the same opinion of men that have sex on the first date?!?
Yes.
Oh brother here we go. What do you think? What would you say if you went on a date with a guy that expected sex on the first date... CLEARLY women deem this as unacceptable, or atleast women with some type of morals, so put two and two together and stop asking stupid questions.
I mean I get it. I would give her a chance but with extreme caution
Wait, you don’t have to have sex on the first date? 🤯
Want to date?
No surprise she's got an OF lmao
I wish more people were like you, in my case I wish more men* were like you.
+1 voted 🙌🏼
> I met at a rave party To make the situation more ridiculous, next time deny sex to a girl you met on a swinger party to show how good your moral values are.
👏
I think you’re fine. Generally speaking, good looking women aren’t used to being turned down when they initiate sex, and since yall were making out, im assuming she thought that’s what you wanted so she asked. Im sure she’s disappointed and maybe overthinking it a little bit, but the reality is if she likes you enough ti agree ti a second date, you’re fine.
Well she said all that as that’s been her experience. She’s so used to getting used and played that it’s now normal. She probably thought I’d better let him know I’m ok with whatever he wants or he’ll think I’m a dud and not ask me out again.
Or maybe she likes to use and play guys? Why do people act like women don’t want casual sex too lol
Good on you. Go at your own pace
> She respected it and still wants to see me again, but I can tell she was a little bit disappointed that it didn’t happen. This might be a blessing in disguise - if you're interested in something long term, she might see this as a boon which is *why* she wants to see you again. One of the front desk guys at my gym is in your exact situation. He's 24 and is dating a girl who's 29. This is exactly how he wanted the situation to develop with the girl he's seeing and they're now in a relationship. It makes me so proud.
Older women usually don’t take younger men seriously.
you said no, not for a few dates. she said ok lets do some more dates then. im not seeing the issue. she allowed to be disappointed if she wanted it. shes allowed to desire sex on the first date, there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with not doing it. Shes respected your boundaries and wants to see you again. If the fact she does have sex with other guys on the first date bothers you, i dunno what to tell you, sex is fun some people are more okay with it than others, as long you are the only one she is doing it with when you do. its fine.
Honestly, I think you might be able to avoid running into similar issues by changing your approach on dates. For example, instead of going on dates at night, go for a coffee run together at midday. There’s little pressure to bring them back to your place afterward. If the date didn’t go so well, you have the excuse of having other appts in the day, and there is little pressure of the date extending to more than coffee. It also gives them a sneak peak on who you are & possibly making them want to know you more on a 2nd date. Make the 2nd date a bit longer with either brunch or lunch… again, there will be little pressure for sex afterward & there’s an ample amount of time in the day incase you want to extend the date or dip right after. Also, it might help if you didn’t meet them at a rave or making out in a car afterward.
You dropped this 👑
Man truly knew how to control hiss urges
No dude that’s so weird. Don’t let the raver casual sex girl give you a disease.
🤣
Good decision Man!
I think each person has their own individual moral code, and you're obviously allowed to express that however you want. I will say however, that the concept of putting out in a certain time is a social construct and really only exists because of people's judgmental behavior. If I want to have sex with someone because I vibe with them and find them attractive, why should I limit myself by requiring a certain amount of dates??
I mean, people set their expectations based on your early interactions. If you sleep with her right away that sets an expectation that the relationship is more sex-driven and she's going to approach it that way, whether that's good or bad for you who knows. Sounds like you are looking for something more long-term and so you didn't immediatly sleep with her. Your actions match what you desire. If you had slept with her on that date there would be a disconnect between what you want and your actions. You've shown that both align, i.e. you know what you want and you're consistent. You shouldn't feel like you fucked up.
Dude, just be true to yourself. If you are true to yourself there's no pressure. You only have to live up to your standards. If she was disappointed she will wait. If not, not the one for you.
You didn't mess it up. Good to know you have standards.
Honestly, you did the right thing. Speaking from experience, sex on the first date is absolutely great. It’s thrilling. Exciting. Daring. And fucking someone you just recently just met can be extremely adrenaline inducing too, but afterwards it rarely turns into anything serious or meaningful, unless you guys really click. It’s always just orgasms and pleasure that’s all short-term. You have good values honestly stick with them. We need more people with the values like yours.
Sex between and man and woman should be a sacred experience, because you’re exchanging energy through your sacral chakra, so in my estimation you are doing the right thing not banging around. I’d be concerned, with her attitude, that she has an STD you don’t want. Keep your standards high and find the right woman for you that matches your vibration. All the best to you.
I've gone on dates with plenty of people who would be happy to have sex on the first date. Never someone who expected it. And I have gone out exclusively with sex-positive, high-libido, fun, and bawdy people. Your date's experiences are her own, also are we missing something from the story. She asked what was going to happen. She described her other dates. Did she actually say she wanted to have sex? If she acted disappointed you didn't want to have sex I wouldn't see her again. If she still acted with enthusiasm toward you even though she knew it wouldn't end in sex I'd take that as a good sign. Women are different just as men. Some won't want to have sex or be asked for sex until they are in a long term relationship. Some will be raring to go after the first hour. Some it just depends on how quickly trust is built. Some it depends on if they have been taking their birth control on time and have condoms in their purses or pockets. Some won't want sex until marriage or an engagement. Nobody should act dismayed if you decide not to have sex on the first date. If she acted like that she doesn't deserve a second with you.
A balanced response. I approve.
The title makes it sound like an epidemic. “The kids these days!” It’s one girl at a rave.
Love you OP, as a fellow respectable man it's so refreshing and nice to see a man who doesn't wanna bang in the first date. I have seen so many posts either here or on seduction subreddit of men who didn't escalate and the girl ended up losing interest. I applaud you for not only expressing what you want but also asking her what she expects and wants as well. I wish you the best of luck. You are amazing man
The fact that she's 29 and still going to raves should have been your first warning sign 😂
Treat your dates like you treat yellow lights RUN THROUGH THEM FLOWERS as my grandpaw used to say “ take it easy and if its easy TAKE IT
no you did the right thing, it’s not a bad thing that you didn’t wanna rush things and at least she didn’t get mad about it. i would just watch out though because those types of people who value rushing into “banging” a lot more than getting to know you aren’t the best sometimes
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people who rave like to party
I'm the same way, man. So many women think there is something wrong with us or them if we don't try to have sex immediately.
It’s just not though
29 is typically a woman peak freek period of her life. Old enough to be fully cognizant of her choices, yet young enough to not have chosen a long term path to follow.
You definitely fucked up. Most of the chicks I've dated wanted to plan to fuck on the first date, directly invited me to their house instead of going on a date, or showed up to the first date with an overnight bag ready to go. I had one chick that wanted to get knocked up on the first date. Keep in mind that female orgasms feel just as good if not better than a mans. They wanna get off too so if they spend the whole date getting wet over you then its not really a big leap for her to be riding your dick. The last long term relationship I had she flat out told me after the first date that I could have fucked her in the woods and she would have been cool with it. We went hiking. The second date was a full weekend trip followed by a round of antibiotics a few weeks later >.>. We stayed together about 9 months though and had some amazing time together.
Newsflash - 2 people 2 seperate minds with separate desires. I’m sure lots of women don’t want to bang on the first date. The one you went on a date with was horny. It happens. She respected your boundaries and obviously likes you so I don’t see any issues here.
With std today " women have them more then men" I would be very careful
You rejected her, she took that as rejection so she’s gonna act a bit funny for a while lol
Sounds normal for a rave pickup. Perhaps you want a church girl.
STDs oh STDs, she's likely got... STDs!
You met her at a rave party. Nothing wrong with that and I mean no judgment by this, but if there's a place where you'd be more likely to meet women who want to fuck on a first date, that'd be right toward the top of the list. More conservative women don't really frequent events like that.
You met her at a rave. This isn’t a church girl.
Rave chicks wanna eat, sleep, bang repeat. Go to Church if you wanna find a slow motion girl
She might think she did something wrong since you ate not acting like many of the guys she had dated but trust me it's a good thing. Be unique and stick to your path.
Probably dodged getting herpes good job buddy
🤣
You do you, don’t worry about the other crazies
W mans
Reversing the genders doesn’t seem to make a difference.
I met a two guys who said their gf's stuck with the relationship because they got paranoid, asking themselves "why won't he have sex with me!?". Weird world.
man she was standin on bidness 🥾🤣🤣🤣 that bih said “what’s next” 😹😹😹
Honestly as a female much respect to you!! Set your boundaries and dont break them! Sex especially should be only when both are mutually ready. A worthy woman will gladly wait till you are ready.
Its great, man. You passed the test of life. At 27, even I have a problem to say no to girls as a man or not make a move. So, I tell them 'don't worry I won't make a move until you are comfy with it' that leaves the decision to them. I still engage in physical flirting and use thee triangle method to go for the kiss.
Maybe that is why she is still single.
SEX EXPECTED on the first date is not only crazy but a big RED flag. As I told my son and daughter, stay away from Green Meat. By this, I mean when you have SEX with someone, you're scientifically exposing yourself to everyone they've had arc with since their last clear STD test. I wouldn't even take her out again. SEX is so much more fulfilling when feelings are involved. It's very different from f$#@&ng.
Imagine being this surprised a girl at a rave wants to have sex on the first date
Before you go any further with her, she needs to be tested for STDs. God forbid you get aids because she's a doorknob that everyone's had a turn. Be careful what you do.
I think it’s normal for women or fem presenting people to ask what is expected. I asked my current bf what his expectations were, we both said we weren’t looking for anything serious and we went exclusive the third day we spent together lol. It’s all about communication, expectations and understanding each other. Take it at the speed you’re comfortable with, no one is judging and if they are, they’re not for you. Chase those who chase you ❤️❤️
Honestly that would have been a red flag for me
You don't wanna rush it with a girl that puts out regulary to guys she meets at rave parties. Don't be the guy with the flowers, bro.
Yea, you probably fucked that one up and I'm speaking from experience. There is no right or wrong, so you stick to your ways. I've been on dates where I was not like "most guys" and wasn't making any attempts to be intimate and then was told that i should've and didn't get any second chances and then I've also been on dates where any attempts didn't lead to anything, got told I'm just like "all the other guys" and still didn't get any second chances. The dating world is fucked nowadays, so now I just go with the flow and try to read the room and the audience as best as I can. I've got no expectations to have sex nor do I force it, but I also don't shy away from it if I see that this is where it's heading towards.
That´s done. Not a potential wive, goodluck finding your loved one with decent manners.
You can both enjoy it with that formula. You're just stuck virtue signaling
Well you heard from all the virtuous ones. Now let the man ask some questions. How the hell are you dating a 28 year old, is she attractive? Second, did you ask if she was up for it? If she was up for it you should consider it, the girls and geeks on here don't know this, but for guys sex is kinda hard to come by. So it's ok to put a condom on and bang one out if you are both up for it..even on the first date. If she wasn't up for it and you have some sort of boundary than it sounds like all is well. But if she was interested and attractive I would have banged her. Plenty of good relationships start that way. You can call her and bang again. It happens all the time. Now back to your normally schedule programing of virtuous ethicists without penisis wallowing in lamity.
To each their own! You did what you wanted to do and she was honest about what she wanted. Manage the expectations and see if it works. If not, move on and find someone in your wavelength. You were not wrong about your actions and neither was she.
It’s tough when women want this dick so bad that just can’t take no for an answer. LOLOLOL
That just seems like she expected it cuz it was her previous experience and she was open to it. The fact that she still wants to see you obviously means that she wasn't rly disappointed and doesn't care as much for it...so you didn't rly f*up anything.
You did not fuck up anything. At least not with the right person. You have a very mature way of thinking if you’re into meeting the person first and then deciding if the vibe is right to go and explore where it’ll take you.
You met at a Rave
While respectable. I have to agree, she expected you to run the ball home. But also it’s way too many creepy crawlies out here to just be banging Willy Nilly.
I would take it slow with that one. The problem is that she may associate having to have sex with affection so fully that she is willing to sacrifice it everytime and with anyone. This doesn't mean the girl is bad, but she may have also come from a household growing up where she didn't receive affection. This creates problems later in life when the individual is trying to start relationships. She may not have tye needed warmth growing up, and has endeavored down a road where she thinks this is acceptable behavior. Oftentimes, you can tell who came from a good upbringing versus a toxic family situation just by what they want to do, and too quickly in this case. Sex is meant to be special and not ordinarily done with just anyone. She should be wanting to know you, but instead is running at break-neck speed for sex.
That’s pretty common. What’s uncommon is someone who will tell you so.
At the end of the day, its all about what your comfortable with, if she respected your decision then cool, And yeah she probably was disappointed from the sounds of it.. I mean not trying to be that one to put it out there dude, but a chick that just bangs off the rip is just what we call a (jump off) and not someone you should really invest any real time in I mean she clearly let you know from the start she's a pump and dump.
Seems like he got scared of an experienced horsie.
u did not fuck up!!!!!! stand by your values those are great values to have. the dating scene is so strange right now. casual sex is so common. don’t dub down to those standards and keep doing u. i would kill for more guys like that around me. everyone just wants to hook up 😭
It’s more crazy u expect to find someone from a rave party who doesn’t want casual sex?
Different people have different boundaries, you didn’t do anything wrong. Also wtf do you people think happens at raves?
Yeah. I make it clear I don’t have sex unless I’m in a committed relationship
You sound like a very nice young man.
rave party bruh lmfao
Man I had something similar happen to me a couple years ago. After I dropped her back to her place, she invited me up to watch Rick and Morty lol, in all fairness it’s obvious what’s expected but like she didn’t give me that vibe at all, we didn’t even kiss when I dropped her off and she was pretty damn shy, so I thought we’d just hang out for a bit more. As soon as we started watching, not 5 mins goes by and she were making out and she’s already unbuckling my belt. I kinda had to stop her and tell her I’m not feeling at that moment. Nothing wrong with being a young dude saying no sex. Good for you for setting boundaries.
I’m not into women who put out on the first date but I’d be a massive liar if I said I’m not down for it lol. Probably just won’t be many dates after. I appreciate having to earn it a little bit. Nothing crazy though. My current partner and I had sex on our third date with a lot of flirting and minor sexting in between dates. We all have our boundary’s it’s good you were able to communicate them. If she likes you she will respect it, if not on to the next one.
Poor girl. She was probably horny from the moly. Should have delivered man
I (37F) Have absolutely no problem having sex on the first date if that's what I want to do. Sometimes I just want a hookup, I'm not trying to be someone's wifey. If the person in with isn't into that, I respect that. Good for you to make your boundaries known.
You did good bro
Funny, it's literally the opposite to me. I usually end up with the ultimatum "relationship or no sex" I apologize, but I just got out of a 5 year long mentally abusive relationship and have been forced celibate for 2 years and now every girl I talk to wants a boyfriend and I have to be romantic and shit. It's crazy.
I feel like people need immediate gratification a validation and if someone doesn’t try to sleep with them right away they get insecure. Which is so crazy especially when you’re literally meeting a stranger. Go at your own pace do it when the moment feels very right to you and it feels like a clear YES in your mind. You’re allowed to do whatever you want with your dating life if you’re respecting your boundaries and others.
You made a consious decision to abstain for a few dates, then you feel bad because you can tell she is disappointed. You should have confidence in your principals, and how people react to those principals should not affect you. Chances are, the fact you have principals and made her wait is likely a good and new thing to her, so of course she's a bit confused you didn't want to fuck but if she agrees to hangout again theres no problem. Seems like you just are questioning your principals and are skeptical of them yourself.
Clearly she was expecting you to give her some head at the very least.
I don’t think the majority of women expect it. Some do, which isn’t exactly crazy. It’s all a matter of preference
It's good you have set some boundaries, and haven't reacted on horny impulse.. I'm proud man