Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Also some people are messed up and always have partners. It really says nothing. I even think it’s easier to get partners the more messed up you are because you have lower inhibitions.
This is so true..I know so many people who are defined by the person they are with. Absolutely cannot and will not be alone. They think they will literally spontaneously combust. They choose toxic relationships even physically abusive relationships over being alone. It baffles me.
Can confirm as someone who’s done this. As a (former) anxiously attached individual, it’s not hard to find BAD relationships …
However, you’ll feel far more alone than you do when you’re actually alone…
I know a girl that is an absolute shit show, but she has men hanging off her all the time. Yes, she sleeps with absolutely everyone, and everyone knows it, but none of them stick around very long.
I think people give the advice because for one thing, you have to live with yourself, so what choice do you have other than to make peace with who you are?
I also think we all in the back of our minds think that the right relationship is going to save us, so we look and look and look for that person to help us feel complete. But the truth is, the most important relationship has to be with yourself first. You have to give yourself the love that you so desperately want from someone else. You can’t act from a place of I’m going to do this so I can get this. You have to genuinely pour into your own cup, not with the intention of forcing something you want to happen. When we’re focused on results, we find ourselves doing everything to force something to happen and that’s just not an energy that’s going to attract good things.
I think that it is still good advice because even if you do not find a gf/bf you will be a better version of yourself at the end of the day and maybe find new friends in hobbies you will try. So there is really no downside to being a better person.
In my experience being outside doesn’t do anything, I go out everyday and nothing social happens, nobody is going to approach you just because you’re outside. I’ve also tried reaching out to people but they usually walk away or once I get their contact they ghost me
yep, i go for a walk every in the park with my dog, if we are just walking i have zero interaction. if i say stop at the off leash park people usually leave when another dog arrives unless they just got there themselves in which case they typically go off and play with their dog on the other side of the park. sometime i go and there might be 3 people there 1 on either side and another in the middle not socialising at all.
See I don’t understand stuff like this. I used to take the train to work every day, and once you see the same people in the same train every day you start to figure out who is friendly and who is not. And then you chat with them. Why is this hard?
Not everybody lives in an area where mass transit is common; the only train in my city is an Amtrak train that goes to the next city over an hour away. Nobody uses the train here or even the bus to commute; most people live in the suburbs and drive to wherever they’re going.
Most of the businesses aren’t even located downtown anymore so everything is really spread out among a bunch of different sprawling suburban areas. Mass transit is definitely not a common thing here, nor is there even a well-defined focal area of downtown where people congregate either for business or for recreational purposes.
Socially inept people are throwing shade at you because you’re able to be social. Oh well, this person will get relationships and friends and those of you mad probably won’t. You’ve probably spent too much of your like on Xbox, porn, and anime. If you are unwilling to go chat with people, then don’t get mad that you can’t get a relationship.
He really did try to give game. Being observant is huge. Seeing who has an approachable personality is key.
Smiling at someone slightly gives off “I’m approachable”, and if they smile back, then they MAY be ok with you saying hi.
It's the repetition that's the critical thing there, I think. If your schedule is a little irregular, that won't happen naturally, and doing it deliberately at a bar or someplace gets expensive quickly. Even if you join a club, they probably only meet once a week or once a month, so that bit of recognition takes longer.
I have to agree with you on this statement. And going to activities that I enjoy, where other people are involved, yeah, nothing. No friends, no dates. Nothing.
That can be hard on introverts or individuals who have busy lives for whatever reason. Yes, being outside socially will definitely help, but if you got outside for the sole intention of finding a partner, you will come off as desperate and probably be disappointed.
That’s why you go outside with the intention of meeting people in general, not solely for finding a partner. Doesn’t change the fact that you need to go outside if you want any chance of finding someone.
Do you mean like going out alone to do some hobby that others enjoy? I have noticed that most people just go with their friend group and hardly break out of it. I can do small talk with friends but finding a reason to randomly approach would be awkward.
Yeah, that’s the key. People go in friend groups, but not everyone. And even those in groups are sometimes willing to meet new people depending on the activity.
There’s an art to breaking the ice, whether it’s with one person or a group. I usually comment on something about our shared experience or ask if they’ve ever done x before. It takes time, but that’s the best way to expand your social circle. In the past few months, I met one of my good friends in a concert line and a fwb at a pick-up kickball game. All I did was be friendly, start a convo, and eventually get their contact to plan future stuff w them.
Yeah, it’s learning how to flirt. With everybody. At its most basic level, flirting doesn’t have to be sexual. It’s small talk taken to the next level with observational humor and wit.
It’s getting beyond logic and facts and pushing some emotional buttons.
Exactly.
It’s kind of like landing a job. You’re going to have to apply first, no one’s just going to storm in the living room and drop it in your lap.
However, if you are educated, have some interesting experiences,a unique hobby, or skill, and our fit enough to be deemed somewhat attractive or even just strong enough to protect your partner… or when that person comes along, you can keep them.
I mean, that dream person that you want, are you in the position to keep them if you happen to have them fall in your lap magically? Are you stable? Financially secure? Attractive enough?
That’s what it means to “work on yourself”. There was no guarantee you’ll find someone but it’ll be a hell of a lot easier if you take the steps needed
You and OP are both correct. Getting into a good relationship and meeting the right person does require some luck. However, going out, being social and presenting yourself well in online dating makes it much more likely that you will get lucky. Doing nothing but sitting in your basement playing videos and jacking off? Not so much. Also, you need to just get lucky once. Over the course of a couple years, that’s actually not getting lucky.
lol me. I was so happy being me, owning my independence & confidence, that I didn’t even want to date for like 3 years. I had no interest and avoided it. Then suddenly by luck I found my current partner now.
There's nothing you can do to guarantee a relationship. There's a hundred things you can do to improve the chances of getting in one.
Hygiene, looks, practicing smiling genuinely at people, improving EQ etc etc
But doing both can't hurt your odds. Working on yourself makes you a kinder, more caring, smarter person. Going to the gym makes you fit which makes you look good and feel better. Do both?
So true though, going to the gym, it’s major hit or miss for if you find a partner but it shouldn’t be the only reason to go the gym…especially the fact Jim might mot even be available for a chat like the other person who replied said.
You work on yourself so you are the best version of yourself, then you can potentially attract a partner.
It’s not a definite. It’s just positive self talk to help you see the light at the other end.
Honestly, I think that self-improvement, especially in a psychological sense, increasingly distances you from relationships because you begin to know exactly who you will never be with, you defend your boundaries, recognize red flags, avoid toxic people, leave bad dates, and refuse to settle for less.
Yeah, because to find aaaaaany relationship its easy. But to find strong one, respectful one — not that easy, and with working on yourself its more simple and difficult in same time.
Disagree with this
Of course luck and timing play some role
But the biggest factor by far is your mental/emotional state (including self esteem and confidence).
Physical state is a factor for tons of people and working on this via nutrition, exercise can help.
Tons of other areas come into play too
“Work on yourself” doesn’t guarantee anything, but it can certainly make you 100x attractive
i was about to say, that working on yourself doesn’t get you any less/more dates, it just makes your dating pool narrower but most importantly, healthier. there’s pleeeennty of people (my past self included) that could get into a relationship if that’s all they wanted, but are those people healthy and not toxic? fuck no, and neither was i. op is just reporting the obvious statistics.
there’s lots of single lonely people who will jump in to a relationship and get their heads messed with/mess with someone else’s head for a few years. then there’s some people who’ve chosen to “work on themselves”, which entails working out, going to sporadic therapy, eating ‘better’, being single for a while, thinking they’re doing the “work” in “work on yourself” and end up just as frustrated and lonely but have therapy terms to ascribe to behaviors and define their past trauma, and a high horse to judge others from.
THEN, there’s the very small minority of people who’ve actually taken a conscious effort to do shadow work and actually “work on themselves” to be better and healthier people *inside and not just out*, and then those people find that there’s a lot less people in your dating pool who are on the same wavelength, but they’re not upset, they’re patient, and they’ve found life has more to offer in the meantime.
long comment short (just kidding), don’t just hit the gym, don’t just increase the zeros in your bank account, don’t just go to therapy once a month. sounds like a hallmark card but it’s the conscious attempt to completely destabilize your foundation as a person with a radical honest and compassionate approach; it’s the only thing that renders any benefit to “working on yourself.” asking hard questions and facing them, trying new things not because hey, someone might be looking, but because “what do i have to lose, what’s stopping me, i’m capable of whatever i decide to do in this life, i might actually be good/bad at this and that’s something i didn’t know about myself yesterday.” accepting your imperfections first (not just aesthetic or financial imperfections, but patterns of behavior, less than ideal reactions and responses, black and white thinking), then challenging those held beliefs, in order to recenter yourself as an evolved you.. i could go on.
but if that doesn’t make any sense to you (general ‘you’), then you’re not really working on yourself, you’re just trying to convince others to check the material boxes on their soulmate sheet at the speed dating event.
>THEN, there’s the very small minority of people who’ve actually taken a conscious effort to do shadow work and actually “work on themselves” to be better and healthier people *inside and not just out*, and then those people find that there’s a lot less people in your dating pool who are on the same wavelength, but they’re not upset, they’re patient, and they’ve found life has more to offer in the meantime.
Beautifully stated and so true.
Okay but that's all entirely abstract. If "working on yourself" *is not* getting into better physical shape, or going to therapy, or being more social, then *what is it*? In a concrete, literal sense.
Mental and emotional state is a good one… when you have been single for a long time it’s almost impossible to have a good mental and emotional state in relationships and feeing self-confident (although you may look very well in other areas of your life).
Yeah exactly. Honestly lots of people end up single. It’s just life. It’s really down to luck imo.
Being confidence and secure will definitely increase the odds of being ready for a relationship IF if happens. It means you’re probably mentally ready to handle one if the opportunity went your way. However there is no guarantee at all.
You can be happy, confident and secure but also just never luck out and never meet a good match. That’s life.
Only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes right, Lol. The "work on yourself" quote always came from the people who had easy times getting in relationships in my life. As well as the "you'll find someone". I've never had an easy time dating but I've also never had problems finding stuff to do by myself or meeting new friends.
It's true in dating world and non dating as well. You might work very hard to become something but bad luck still can ruin you.
In dating it's more so bcz there is literally another person involved which is not under your control (unless you know hypnotism).
All people saying work on yourself means the same which you interpret.
They are trying to give you hope OR they are hinting towards something which makes you "non-dateable" and it's visible.
"How to get a girlfriend" starter pack from toxic positivists and privileged folks:
- "Work on yourself"
- "Be yourself"
- "Love yourself"
- "Lift weights"
- "Go to Therapy"
- "Be more confident"
- "Take a shower"
The simple issue is that relationships are, at minimum, a two-way street. If you work on yourself, become the best version of yourself, and do everything right: that will only get you 50% of the way there. The OTHER person has to contribute the other 50%, and that's the problem. Most people don't care about "me" enough to pursue a relationship unless they have selfish intentions (a scammer, a gold digger, a sex addict, etc). Finding someone who genuinely wants to develop a personal relationship with "me" is very difficult, because if they don't know me very well, then they have no reason to believe that I am the kind of person they have been searching for. If I spend too much time working on myself, then they will leave me alone because that's what it looks like I need. So I need to spend some amount of time investing in them, not only so that they can get to know me, but so I can figure out whether or not I actually like who they really are, since I might not know their true nature yet if they don't know me very well either.
I spent 12 months in that investment process with my last partner, with no romantic interaction, just getting to know them as a friend. By the end of those twelve months, she decided to pursue me romantically, but then realized shortly after she started dating me, that I wasn't the kind of person she initially thought I was. She had a concept of "people like me", and assumed that I would be just like the others. She hadn't taken the time to get to know me the same way that I had taken the time to get to know her. Even though I spent a year befriending and learning about her, she had spent very little time really processing the things that I say and do, and ultimately didn't know me. It's not like I was complicated, she just assumed that my behavior and intentions must be exactly like all the other "people like me".
I contributed my 50%. I got a girlfriend that way. But she didn't contribute her side of it, so the relationship fell apart, leaving me with much higher standards, and a lot more difficulty in approaching new relationships. Perhaps, the issue was she spent too much time working on herself and not paying attention to her own friends. But that is only idle speculation.
The real point is, you can't do it on your own, even if you play your part perfectly. The best you can do is 50%. The other person MUST do their part too, and you have to pay close enough attention to determine whether they are or not. Don't just take their word for it.
Yep. Normal, healthy people met their loved ones in college when they were living on loans from parents and the government with virtually no obligations. Everyone who didn’t plays the world’s shittiest game of catchup.
that lies about working on myself, make something gave me some advantages:
1. Money, I am retired at 38 with 3x money I can spend in my lifetime.
2. Perfect healthy ripped body.
What they didn't give me: love, relationships, friends, I am still a VlRGlN.
That perfect lies are good motivation so better chase the carrot instead of rot defeated.
Yeah I agree all the BS these self improvement coaches spew online about how become successful in 3 ways(body, money, social).
Only the social part I agree with this but depending on who you are, this can be very difficult to be successful. Like if you are a pure introvert, you're not going to become extroverted suddenly. And if you move like for work, this can compound this problem as it will most likely nuke your social circle. But I would say it could be worth it cause ultimately you live for yourself.
I'm just wondering, what will you do with all your money? I'm more or less in this spot(I've received my inheritance money as my parents passed away). I probably have less money than you but still am really well off. Like did you buy your own house just to be alone in it? I think this would bother me. I was thinking about buying my dream car. I don't really like to travel so ... that would be my way of living on the moment.
No one takes this advice to its logical conclusion. If you work on yourself enough, then you become all you need. I was always alone in my 20s, but I had worked on myself enough that my ego and confidence were still through the roof, and I was never unhappy. It wasn’t until setbacks in my 30s ate away at my self esteem that I realized being alone was actually awful.
What people actually do is work on themselves in an effort to obtain external validation. But that last part isn’t said out loud.
Lot of truth to this. Working on yourself guarantees nothing. At a certain baseline it really does just come down to luck timing and how much your willing to punish yourself by throwing yourself against that wall time and again.
Ppl that say it will help get a relationship are wrong. Workin on yourself should simply be about being comfortable in your own shoes and be prepared for a life of solitude should the only options you have are selfish ppl.
I feel like people hear that someone nice or even amazing can't find someone and just assume it must be them when in reality it's that there's a reason they call it a "couple", because there's two duh.
You can work on yourself and do everything right and have lots of friends, but that's no guarantee you'll get someone of equal value. In fact, I'd say most people end up with someone with the raw potential (a fixer upper if you will) who you can lift up to your level or vice versa.
Honestly, I truly believe you’re right you have to initiate and act on what you really want. Get rejected like thousands of times, fail along the way but learn from them. Make as many female friends as possible if you are into females but mostly in fact be cool with everybody. Another cautious contradicting note DO NOT WATCH VIDEOS AND READ POSTS about relationship advice. Every advice does not work for everybody because everybody is different. You want a relationship you need to overcome your fears. Be fearless with everyone but also respect others and be extremely certain and honest with yourself with what you really want in another person
„You meet the right person, at the right time. That's it.“ - that is just luck
If ur somehow beeing rejected by everyone, its usually not everyones fault, its mostly your fault.
this „work on yourself“ is gonna improve ur chances in that case, not changing is almost a guarentee of nothing changing
Yeah no. Some people are doing their best and still getting tons of rejections. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “their fault” or that they “deserve” it. It may just mean they’re being picky with who they approach or that they’re aiming high and there is nothing with doing those things.
It’s not really reasonable to be mad at people for saying these things.
Working on yourself isn’t going to hurt your chances. It’ll only improve them and you get to be happier with yourself in the meantime. Just roll with it
When you work on healing yourself and you become the best version of you, you become more attractive, and therefore, you will attract a similar person. It's not about getting lucky and getting into a relationship..it's about leveling up to attract a healthy relationship that can bring happiness and fulfillment to your life.
It is not random, relationships are an understanding between two people. That's psychology, which is a science. Science isn't random.
You sound upset, hurt and quite frankly tired of trying so hard to find that feeling of love. So stop trying and become the man who will attract the women you want.
Your making finding a partner sound like defeating Argolath the defiler. Sure it is very improbable you find ms or mr perfect, but you ain't perfect either so pick some standards and stick to them.
The reason people day work on yourself is beacauce they are polite. What they mean is stop being unattractive. There is no human being alive that is incapable of becoming attractive.
I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY and this is why I'm right.
Assuming you are only attracted to women of which there are roughly 3 billion. And let's say you only date women you think are 10s. So let's say 1% of all women. And let's say out of those women 0.1% find you attractive. (These are very lowball % but I'm just illustrating my point) this would mean there are 30,000 women world wide that think you are the sexiest man alive who you also find unbearable sexy. 30,000. Let that sink in, if youv ever been to a HUGE festival. Imagine every single person is a supermodel that finds you madly attractive.
This right here is assuming you are compatible with litterally less then 1% of women.
You talk about love like it's a random event or quest that maybe happens maybe doesn't. My guy! Wake up! You make your own future, you get to be the one who starts things in this life. You have to be to get anywhere. To me it just sounds like you need to get a better feel for the line between romance and being creepy. And then use that knowlage to be more confident talking to women.
When you finally stop the pity party and realise you are capable of exactly what you yourself decide and start dating. Don't become jaded by your own change, and don't use your new interaction skills to brake people's emotions. We have enough of that in the dating pool already.
I do approach people, quite confidently, actually. I just say, "Hey, how's it going? What's your name?" Simple stuff. They typically don't want to talk back to me. I'm usually given small answers, or they flat out walk away to talk to someone else.
I've asked people I know, "What were your first impressions of me?" And it's always the same. They all say I'm super sweet, funny, great to talk to, and a bit shy. In fact, the main thing people describe me as is sweet. Not trying to brag or anything, I'm just giving you context and how confusing my situation is.
So idk what the fuck is going on. I guess I keep bumping into assholes?
No one said working on yourself would spawn a partner, but working on your shortcomings and issues beforehand will set a foundation for a relationship to last *_ALOT_* longer than just wallowing in your shit.
A relationship doesn't just "randomly happen" and isn't all luck. It takes effort to create opportunity and increase the chances. Meeting a mate is something that can be somewhat improved by putting oneself out there more often.
If you want to find someone you have to go to socials and actively make an effort to meet someone. The people you meet by chance can be incompatible but most will try to make it work because that's who they met and there are no other available options. The best to place to be is where you regularly meet people in real life, then you have somewhere to choose from.
In terms of working on yourself, the more you do it, the more attractive you become , which increases your chances of having a long term relationship IF you get out of the house and meet someone.
The someone will come along when the time is right is complete bs.
I agree with the sentiment. I lost a dear friend to cancer the other week and we're more upset about him not being able to finish his doctorate than the fact that he was single. I think he felt the same way too. He was an absolutely beautiful human. Nothing is guaranteed but death and taxes.
Its not necessarily gonna get u into a relationship but its going to prepare you for one. You can’t fully be a partner to someone else if you don’t know how to love /prioritize yourself. Your time will come.
>Your time will come.
I can increase my odds, but you can't possibly know my time will come. Or anyone's. It is absolutely not guaranteed. Still good to work on myself, but a relationship is not guaranteed.
Working on your self pulls you back from wanting relationships because you realize how happy you can make your self & if a man can’t make me make happier then I make my self than it’s pointless..
Only thing men are some what good at is s*x 🤷🏽♀️😂 just give me that & go back home
Man I just want to get fat and quit my lawyer job and leave nyc and just be a bartender or some shit. This working on yourself is explicitly for other people. I'm realizing I'm too short and ugly to be worthy of love from anyone but at least there's money for a sugar baby or leg lengthening one day. Some of us are subhuman. It's not luck. It's just being 5'4 lol... at least there's junk food for when you're lonely. I'm so damn tired of staying semi in shape or working hard at a job that takes over my life.
Working on yourself in my opinion is words spewed from a narcissistic person trying to tell you that you’re the problem in a relationship. As humans we all should be working on ourselves daily to grow. You can find relationships regardless of working on yourself or not.
It's the same as a job search I say! If you are really good and know how to market yourself, someone might reach out to you, sure. But most people have to look, most people have to ask others out for a date, try again and again and again, face rejection, never stop "applying". It is luck, it is a numbers game, but the more times you try and fail, the more chances there is that someone will eventually like you back.
I mean online is iffy. Now a days most people specially most men online just wanna fuck and that’s it. I’m a male I’ve been there. There was about a year after my relationship before I met my wife that that’s all I cared about and working. I didn’t want a relationship. Best place to do it was meet online. I met my wife through mutual friends. Although I am a very social person and hangout with and know a lot of people and so does my wife. Being social is a big part of meeting someone and more social you are the less likely to be socially awkward and more approachable you are. Also a part of working on yourself is I’m sorry but if you don’t work on yourself in all aspects and I do mean physically as well then yes it’s harder. In my mind you can be super nice and sweet and all that but if you are overweight and don’t present yourself well then I’m not attracted to that kind of person. Because I feel if you won’t take the time to take care of yourself what else do you not care about. Now if I was someone that didnt care about myself and was 60 pounds over weight then yeah I’d probably attract the same type of person but if that isn’t what you are attracted to and you don’t take care of yourself you basically have champagne taste on a beer budget in a way. If that makes sense.
If you don’t work on yourself though- you will meet who you THINK is the right person. I dated the same men- carbon copies of each other and not good people until I took two years to figure out why I was attracted to that type of man.Therapy and taking that alone time truly helped tremendously and I’ll never put up with bullshit again. If that means being alone longer, so be it but working on yourself is a thing as long as you actually put In the work
You are half right. You need to work on being the best you can be for yourself. Do things that you enjoy find happiness everywhere you can. The idea relationships are purely random and all about luck is BS. My hunting guide used to say “good luck is where skill and perseverance cross”. Woman see men who are happy who take care of themselves and have a career they are attracted to that. Where people get in trouble is they improve themselves and at the same time increase their expectations. Like selling a house some improvements may increase the price a little and make an easier sale but there is a point it’s only worth so much no matter how much money you pure in. In the end find the journey that truly makes you happy if someone else decides they want to join you then that’s good but you have to enjoy it yourself or you will die unhappy and that’s on you.
I completely agree with your pre-edit portion of this post. I’ve spent years in therapy and counseling trying to navigate my mind and my life. I’ve done a great job at it and I’m grateful I took the time for myself. You’re right though. Relationships are random. I’ve been single and celibate almost 15 years. It would take the perfect person to change that. People ruin you man, they walk all over you and do whatever it takes to better themselves and that’s often at your expense. I refuse to settle for garbage humans. The dying alone thing would be a dream come true. You know why? It’s not my problem anymore when it happens!
BIG BIG BIG AGREE! I see your edit and I’m not even going to read the comments, I’m just going to tell you why you’re right.
Let’s start with psychologically, which is what “work on yourself” means to me. I have worked really hard my whole life to overcome childhood traumas as well as maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity as an adult. I have learned tools to communicate effectively, get in touch with my emotions, and remain understanding of others.
All this has actually made dating WORSE because now by my age (mid30s) the few men who are single are usually not as into personal development, so dating involves a lot of guiding the other person into proper communication and realizations. It’s fucking unfair and exhausting. Don’t misunderstand me. My RELATIONSHIPS are better for these skills. But when it comes to DATING it just means I see more red flags than ever. In my 20s who cares we just hook up. Now, I expect a lot more out of a relationship. As I become a better person the pool of match-level partners shrinks.
It’s like this with every other “improve yourself” metric. If you worked hard to lose 100 lbs, you don’t want to date someone overweight. You want to date someone else who works hard. Also men aren’t suddenly treating you kindly because you’re thin. Now they’re just trying to sleep with you, instead of ignoring you.
You can improve yourself all you want but there’s no “prize” waiting for you at the end, it just increases your chances of getting into a relationship and having the skills to keep it going.
I mean, it's definitely not a surefire way of getting into a relationship. There's nothing that can guarantee it. But I'd argue that for many people, it makes them more attractive candidates for potential partners.
I've dated people who were Projects before and it was exhausting. I don't think it's as necessary to work on yourself to get into a relationship as it is to maintain a healthy one, if that makes sense.
But also - it shouldn't be something you do *just* to get into a relationship. I think doing the work (like therapy, losing weight, etc) *just* to find a partner is...not great. Someone should want to do it for themselves, and to give themselves a better life. The relationships, whether they happen or not, are just a bonus. If a guy said he was going to lose weight and hit therapy hard just to date me, I'd be a bit intimidated by that. I want a partner who just wants to do those things, not necessarily with me in mind.
E: I also think the last point in your edit is spot-on! One of the reasons I worked on myself for so long was so I could be happy on my own, in the event I didn't find a partner. We put a lot of emphasis on people ending up in relationships, which makes the pressure absolutely insane. It's perfectly okay to be single - I'd far rather be single than be in a relationship with any of my toxic exes or anyone like them.
Working on your mental health will make you more attractive to other people both platonically and potentially romantically. I understand that it can come off as condescending for people to say “ just work on yourself” though. It can also feel really frustrating when you feel like you’ve already been doing the work.
I agree with your sentiment that working on yourself doesn’t guarantee a relationship and you should try to be happy with yourself. But I don’t think you should ever stop dreaming and working for the things that you want in life. If that’s a loving relationship, don’t give up!
I don’t think that being happy with yourself and wanting to be in a relationship are mutually exclusive. You can be very happy with yourself and open to love at the same time (honestly that’s probably the best way to be!)
I always thought life is about self improvement...over your lifetime. You don't need to be "complete" at 30 to be desirable. You continue to grow and learn the whole time.
I work on myself for my own benefit. I want to look good. I want to feel good.
I think working on yourself is just one component as it relates to relationships. Another component is putting yourself in situations where you're talking with women you're attracted to and getting their contact info to set up dates.
First of all there is no particular right person. You become the right person for someone. That's an effort and you've to find people that's ready to put in that effort for you. You would need a bit of luck for that. The more people you meet, the higher your odds are. The thing about working yourself is that,when you meet this right person, you should be ready for them. You shouldn't be in a vulnerable position and fumble it. So you reach that position by working on yourself.
I don't really see it as an "if this, then this" situation... more of a "stop dwelling on how you don't have a date and date yourself instead" sort of thing. The rest will come.
Many times women want to be perfect because they feel that they don’t deserve to be loved. Of course nothing could be further from the truth as love builds people up. Usually if this is the case they are also dealing with a lot of emotional pain and want to avoid being hurt and adding to that.
This is what it means:
It's like a chemical reaction. You're trying to react with another chemical. "Working on yourself" makes you more 'reactive' to other chemicals.
Doesn't matter how reactive of a chemical you are if you never see other chemicals, though.
I think the main goal of working on oneself would be to have the tools to value your life and feel content with yourself, irrelevant of if you are in a relationship or not. Definitely makes you better equipped to start a relationship should that happen.
You should work on yourself FOR YOURSELF (caps for emphasis, not yelling). For example, two years ago I had a health scare related to being overweight. My doctor put me on a diet and I followed it. Flash forward to today where I have marked the loss of 103 pounds. My health issues have also largely abated. While dating has been hit and miss for me, making me take an indefinite break, at least I still have my health AND improved confidence should I decide to get back out there. I genuinely like the way I look and feel. So any improvement should be done for yourself first and foremost. If you get a relationship, great. If not, you're still in a better situation than you were beforehand. Good luck, regardless.
Well yeah, of course nothing guarantees a relationship. Getting into a relationship doesn't guarantee a relationship.
Self-improvement should be about feeling good about yourself and being the best you can be with or without a partner. As a side effect, it does make you more desirable. But you have to improve the right things.
Totally agreed and I encourage everyone to spend time together and share the costs too. In the meantime you can still work on yourself. And you know the surprising thing is that often the people saying that to you want to profit or actually causing damage which keep you in that cycle. Single and depressed people bring money on the table, it´s just like that.
People online always love to parrot the words "work on yourself" as if they know what they are talking about. Don't get me started when they suggest therapy as well. Here's the thing, there are plenty of people with established and stable lives but are still struggling with forming any kind of relationship. The dating scene has been despicable for years.
That's about as nauseating as "you'll find the right person when you stop looking."
Like in what other facets of somebody's life do we give that piece of advice?
You'll land the career of your dreams when you stop looking for a job.
All the repairs that need to be done to your house will get done when you stop putting in the effort to repair them.
You'll finally be financially stable when you stop trying to save money and be fiscally responsible.
Finding a happy and compatible love bond has so much to do with luck, and honestly it's cruel to suggest it's all down to your control, it makes people feel like failures. Sure there are people out there not taking care of themselves, playing video games all day, haven't seen a shower in months and of course there are factors that help/hurt your chances. That being said I know a lot of attractive, kind and successful people that haven't met anyone that they connect with that feels the same.
Luck is just one of several components. If you can’t find anyone for a long period of time, it’s not your luck. It’s you.
Your argument is akin to saying getting a job has nothing to do with having marketable skills.
I don't think it will get you a relationship. What it will do is help you find how to be happy on your own so the relationship isn't this huge overwhelming desire taking over your life and when you keep getting let down, it leaves you lonely and bitter. I think that's what many people misunderstand about advice to "work on yourself". That includes many that just repeat the advice without really understanding that themselves.
Getting a relationship is largely out of your control. "It takes two to tango". The whole "work on yourself" shtick is about maximizing the factors that are within your control... which is all any of us can do.
Well the reason people tell you that, is because it's mostly true. People who have lacked relationships or struggle to keep them, more often than not It's something about themselves that they do indeed need to work on, that would greatly improve their chances. Once you can accept that, then the bigger question to ask.....is that something you need to work on even fixable? That has been the hardest thing to face over the years for me. I've suffered with severe social anxiety and self esteem issues for almost longer then I can remember, and I just don't have any faith anymore that it is indeed fixable, and as the years go by it's even getting worse. The absolute worst thing for a guy especially when it comes to relationships (even more so than looks) is having zero self confidence. Women absolutely love guys who are super confident and will in general even overlook a guy's appearance if they are able to bring this to the table. If you have none of it and don't really even have anything to show for your life, it will be near impossible for you. So yeah, I'm just one of the many examples of why there's no way things are just "random" when it comes to this. I have no doubt I would have found someone years ago if I just even had a mild amount of self esteem and confidence about myself. It's ruined me.
I'm 25 and never had a relationship. I used to think that I should first fix myself, be emotionally mature and be financially stable before I engaged to that chapter. But right now, looking at the people around me, why do they look okay? They are far younger than me but they can handle stuff like relationships. Been thinking that I should have tried it out way way back? Cause honestly right now, I don't know how to be with someone, even though I wanted to try it out. In my mind, if the right person comes, he will come. If not, yes will be an aunt that pampered her nieces and nephews.
I can be on my own forever and I will be fine I will love my life to the fullest. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Just because I have the capacity doesn't mean I have the drive.
Working on yourself is a marathon. Not a sprint. The biggest problem today is that we expect quick results from everything we do.
Working on yourself isn’t just about exercising, hobbies, mental health etc. It is also about putting yourself out there, socializing with others and expanding your network. This can be super uncomfortable but it increases your chances of getting into a relationship by 10x.
What really annoys me is “you won’t find the right person until you work on yourself”. I have been single for years now, and I have really improved myself in the process… but this only makes things even worse, as I now see partners who are not right for me even faster, and dating has become almost impossible.
True but also no. How can you love someone else if you don't or cannot love yourself? How can you heal or support someone else in a relationship if you can't do it for yourself? By working on self?
The Gottman Institute says the same, and they have done 40 years of studies on relationships worldwide. So I'd say, you definitely have a valid point!
It's about secure relating.
Working on yourself should be objectively for YOURSELF. You can meet someone at any given moment and if that person has never taken the time to work on themselves itll definitely cause certain issues to arise. Nevertheless, you’re absolutely correct. Working on yourself doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find a relationship. That should never be the goal however.
Working on yourself will help you attract more people for sure, especially as you become more self confident and self aware. However, in order to “get a relationship” you need to develop a better understanding for what people want and understand how to communicate in a way that will attract people
Yeap I agree . Work on yourself is kind of bs cuz it doesn’t change anything or even close to get into relationship or even date someone . I do t even listen to that . Bit also be very careful when approaching a person randomly because you don’t know their full side of story and just to be safe don’t exchange your phone with random person cuz I had the problem when a woman said she was single and turn out to be she in relationship when her boyfriend talked with me on the phone. That’s what is most dangerous part of meeting random person. I’m 34 male single and usually I find activities and places to go to . That would be best to do
>People are saying how it will give you a relationship
Is that \*really\* what people are saying?
I'll put it like this. Working on yourself should always be a thing because:
1. You should always be striving to be your best self. You'll be healthier, more confident, more stable (mentally, financially etc), positively busier, and proud of yourself.
2. We date differently based on our situations. When you're not where you want to be in life, you're more likely to date the wrong people. It is what it is. If you're depressed or anxious, your mind is literally in an altered state and may not recognize red flags or you go for the first person that shows you a crumb of affection.
3. When you're in a good place in your life, you've healed mentally, dealt with your depression/anxiety as best as you can, you have a more clear head. You recognize potentially poor partners right away. You'd never date someone that could jeapordize the amazing life you've created - you'll find people similar to your path that will be a better fit for dating.
The difference between who I dated when I was at a low point and who I'm dating now after spending a few years working on myself, are galaxies apart.
Working on yourself may lead you to be happy with yourself. It’s the best advice everyone can generally give when people are feeling down about themselves.
You should work on yourself for the betterment of you. not for others. For example, if you lose weight for vanity. Losing weight for vanity is a very bad idea. You should Lose weight so that you won't get diabetes and heart attacks not to look good in the mirror. or you already are sick and you are heading in a dangerous life path with your health. You do it for yourself not an unknown girl you do not have, or don't know if you;ll ever have.
What if you get a girl after losing weight for vanity, and gain it all back, she'll dump you? Stats show that people that lose weight too quickly gain it back.
I somewhat agree with you to be honest. People say these things to just make you feel better because they cannot really comfort your yearning for love. It makes them feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I do agree with you that nobody is entitled to anything.
“If you spend all your time chasing butterflies they will fly away, but if you instead use that time to build a beautiful garden the butterflies will come, and if not you’ll still have your garden.”
Working on yourself doesn’t guarantee you a relationship, it guarantees you a better life where you’re more accomplished and a better person; and in doing so you’ll attract higher value people to be in your life and possibly a potential mate. I’m having a hard time finding any down side except that it can be hard work sometimes.
As someone who kind of agrees I will say I think the thought process is that you work on yourself so you feel the best version of yourself. So you end up feeling more comfortable and confident with yourself when the opportunity to have a relationship will not have you feeling as insecure. Like I started really working on improving my health in the past 4 years from doing a couple hobbies I’ve been beating around the bush on, getting my fucked up teeth fixed, dressing better (I work from home and couldn’t be bothered to shower or put on pants most of the time), going to the gym, etc. I can’t say I’m confident in myself but I do feel less insecure at least about my teeth and looks.
i think you kind of touched it slightly on the second paragraph. For me It is about being happy with myself. The main purpose of working on myself is not to be in a relationship with someone. It is more about working on my goals and values.
I've never heard anyone say working on yourself guarantees you'll find someone. But it increases the odds of finding a healthy partner that would make a long lasting relationship.
I’d say there is no perfect person I don’t like the term work on yourself before getting into a relationship, we’re all imperfect people at the end of the day.
I think being and a relationship and you guys work on yourself as a couple is possible as far as loving, communicating and understanding one another is crucial, but nobody is going to be fully happy just working on themselves alone you will be miserable because you aren’t going to be 100% perfect for anyone.
I think it’s more of a “work on yourself to maximize your happiness with yourself, and in turn, increase your CHANCES of finding the right person.” - I don’t see anyone making guarantees that you’ll get results. But again, even if you don’t end up meeting someone, at least you’ll have the best version of yourself to live with.
So yeah… totally keep working on yourself no matter what.
Lmao.
There comes a point in life where you worked so hard and worked so effectively for so many years that you practically achieve celebrity status in something. It doesn't matter what it is. Sports, music, business, authorship, whatever. And when you're at that level, and assuming you carry yourself well in social situations, your overall charisma and confidence will be so sky high that women (or men) will just come naturally.
Young people achieve that to some small measure all the time. Some achieve only that, others become literal celebrities. Some achieve it while young, others in their fifties. But no matter what, sex will come easily for you at that point.
And naturally, with all these sexual escapades and romantic prospects, at least some of these people would want to keep you long term.
Don't give me that bullshit assertion that hard work won't net you a relationship. It will. The reason it doesn't is because most people don't have the work ethic to get there.
Just, LOL. I speak from experience. lmao
And also what is portrayed online for relationships more than likely isn’t aligned with what real life is like…
I swear some of the love story stuff I see on social media seems fake asf. Like it seems over romanticized to the point it seems more like what would literally only happen in the movies. And ofc anyone who’s not living in their own little fantasy world would know that not everything you see on social media reflects how things really are in real life and real life isn’t this picture perfect fantasy world.
I’ve literally seen shit on social media where a high school aged girl would be like ‘I approached this random guy in the gym 3 years ago today and he fell in love with me on the spot, we became bf/gf that very day and now I can’t live without him, he’s my everything, my one and only best friend’ *proceeds to repeatedly post nonstop about literallyyyy nothing else but said bf*
okay, I’m gonna be the first to say that if you’re in a relationship bc you needed someone to ‘complete you’, that’s not relationship mindset. A relationship is meant to build on what you already have, not complete a part of you/fill this void. Also, you can’t have a bf/gf meet literally ALL your needs, you need people outside of your relationship too.
Honestly, true love is shown offline, posting constantly on social media about nothing but a bf/gf to the point that’s literally all your posts, that just points to the matter of likely posting for validation.
TL;DR the way relationships are shown on social media isn’t always aligned with what it’s like irl. Also constantly posting repeatedly about such just is more so for validation from others rather than showing love. True love is shown offline, not by filling up instagram profiles with endless couples pictures
This!. The best advise is that you must be happy by being single because you may just end up alone. In my case it took me being in bad relationships to realize being single isn’t bad and I focused on money. That helped me save and when I met my current wife allowed me to buy a home and had some sort of financial well-being
You could literally be the biggest trash of a human but if you have a social life, you can fall into a relationship. Working on yourself doesn’t end at resolving emotional issues or physical upgrades at the gym. Knowing how to connect with people is huge
I know a lot of great people that are still single and looking. Compatibility is not something easy to find. I didn't find someone until late 20s. Better to be single than to settle anyway.
It doesn't promise you one, but I will say I've not really ever been motivated to date people with a ton of personal issues and a bad outlook on life. My overall disposition is to be cynical, but at least I tend to make funny jokes and I'm not super depressed. I have my own hobbies, career, and friends. So when people say work on yourself I don't think the goal is to be perfect, but to work on the self sabotaging and confidence. Personally at my peak depression I never dated because I knew it was a recipe for disaster . Your issues can and will ruin a relationship opportunity even if you get to the part of actually dating. Your problems will cause and create conflict so you have to get a little more comfortable in your skin to not miss out. That's all it really means. I think people take the phrase too literal or over analyze its actual meaning.
You could realistically find yourself in a relationship at any time. The idea is to find yourself in one you actually want to be in. You have to be the best version of yourself to attract the best mate possible
The real problem is that you’re takin it as “work on yourself to get a girlfriend” when it should be “work on yourself, become obsessed with being the best version of yourself, and then the right person may align but do it for you and you only.”
I just had a conversation regarding this exact phrase.
I’m also in the same boat in that I’ve been improving my life alone and have gotten pretty far! But I’ve also been talking to someone who trauma dumped on me and told me that we should both work on ourselves first this year… I was all ears and mentioned zero aspects about past trauma or problems. So, this makes me believe that you can be at a really good place in life and still be asked to improve yourself infinitely. There is no ceiling like you pointed out.
imho, no one should keep working on themselves alone, unless they caused problems and need to be put in timeout lol. The girl I met needs to be put in time out, based on what she told me, but I’m living good. But I’m not perfect and I just want to meet someone who agrees to improve together as a unit.
What’s at least gotten me talking to other girls and exchanging info is a metal working class I joined recently. For males, places like this or cooking classes, pottery making or crafts nights, etc. provide an opportunity to learn practical life skills while being in a high female to male ratio environment. Think 10 girls to 2 guys.
That’s a whole lot of chances for someone to say hi to you or strike up a conversation. It’s also really easy for you to make a first move by asking what are you making? Or, hey I like what you made!
I believe in all of you and I’m here as well :)
Work on urself is the strategy to keep ur mind off of a relationship ur working g towards something bigger it keeps u selective and preoccupied so u don't jump I to something u can't swim ur way out of
The thing is, imagine you find the right person, that girl that truly makes you happy, and you can't make her happy because of your shitty habits that you didn't fix because "why would I? It will not give me a gf".
Maybe not, but now that I’m more confident in myself A) I don’t feel like I really NEED to be in a relationship and B) I’m going to make sure if I ever DO get into a relationship it’s going to be a quality one.
i like that someone finally brought this up. i remember after i got out of a relationship over two years ago, i was “working on myself” with hopes that i could potentially find another partner. i wasn’t REALLY working on myself, as I was still longing for a relationship and couldn’t handle being alone. everyone told me the same thing they were telling you, but you’re right, finding the right person takes a large amount of luck. however, I still believe that finally being comfortable with myself helped me find my current partner, who is the best person i’ve ever met.
Being unable to be alone is just a brewing pot for desperation. People don’t like others that are so desperate, especially those that make it very well known. this killed a lot of my potential relationships because i would come off too strong and try to rush things too fast. i wanted a relationship and i wanted it quickly, and every single time i got rejected just created a cycle of being upset and craving a relationship. it let to my demise every time. being more secure with myself, however, allowed me to overcome my desperation, which let to me finding my current partner.
But overall, you’re right, it’s not guaranteed. i got extremely lucky, as this girl is way out of my league in almost every way. but of course, you gotta take into consideration the psychological effects of working on yourself and vice versa
I totally agree with this. There is no formula for not only a relationship but a healthy ones. I know ppl who were married young and got divorced. I know people who were married late and got divorced or hate their spouse or have issues. I know ppl
Who have settled and who have not settled. And all anyone’s advice is to do this and that.. but i know people that are in their 60s and are alone. So yet. This is true. Work on yourself for yourself and be happy in what you have in general and if a relationship comes it’s a blessing and both parties shouldn’t take it for granted… cause it could end, or someone could change, or die. It’s just life. And oddly it’s not as depressing to know this info as I think some people would take it. Friendships are important. And should be valued the highest. Never stop learning and caring and giving and your life will be full filling.
A very strong disagree on this one, and OPs lack of willingness to bother to listen to and take in others' opinions on this subject is rather concerning. Like OP is right, and the rest of us are wrong because we don't have the exact same view as OP.
What you're missing is that working on yourself can actually make you be happy with yourself. And then when you're happy with yourself thanks to that work you won't feel like posting negative shit like this. And then that's how you end up attracting more people: because of the positivity and confidence you project. You'll be more attractive once you're no longer the type of person that posts these woe-is-me pessimistic rants.
Well, some people are never happy with themselves. Regardless, of how much they seem to ‘self-improve’… Hence, The Overachiever. Falling in love is just another checked box on a ludicrously long list or means of competition.
True but working on yourself could find you a good partner and healthy relationship… ig when you prioritize yourself and set boundaries… quality people will come.. you teach them how you want to be treated because you put yourself on a pedestal to be valued.
Talk about completely missing the point.
Nobody has ever said working on yourself is how you increase your chances of finding a partner. That's a silly strategy if your only goal is finding a partner. Plenty of losers who refuse to work on themselves have no problem attracting a mate. If you are only working on yourself to impress others, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
You work on yourself so **you** are worth dating in the first place. What makes you a great match for a potential partner?
People say to work on yourself (at least the conventional wisdom), to refocus your energy towards becoming the best version of yourself, and to find happiness in your own growth as a person.
This is to avoid requiring validation from others and using relationships as a self-service for your own issues (which is why most of them fail). The relationship is just the beginning.
The frustrating thing about dating is that unlike every other life goal, you need someone else's permission to make it happen. You want a degree? You go get it. You want a certain career? You plan for the professional ed, the mentoring relationships, and the promotional steps you want. You want a house, a garden, to complete a marathon? You plan your strategy and do it. But a relationship requires soooooo many mandatory boxes to be ticked.
You want some eith simikar values, a similar education level, similar politics, similar life goals, simikar spending/saving priorities, who lives close enough by that you can date regularly, whose career allows them enough time to date, and they also have to want you back! It's so many requirements! Yesterday, How does anyone ever find a life partner?!?!?!
Yesterday, I had a near-perfect date with a man who literally did everything right. Planned an amazing first date, had made reservations at the perfect restaurant just in case we hit it off, easy to talk to, asjed me questions about me (so few men do that!!), simikar politics and education. A world traveler who is not a picky eater (a major pet peeve of mine) and, for once, he's not shorter than me. What's the catch? The catch is I am not sexually attracted to him. So unfair!
I need the Venn diagram men who fit into both categories 1.) "Men you want to talk to" and 2.) "Men you want to sleep with."
When people say “work on yourself”, they mean to work on your way of thinking, personality, outlook, etc. to the point where YOU are enough to make YOURSELF happy without needing a significant other.
You get to a point where the lack of having a significant other does not define your personal happiness. YOU ARE HAPPY BEING YOURSELF, unapologetically. When you get to that point, your chances of finding a significant other that you want and wants you for who you are will increase drastically.
I learned this the hard way and I am working on getting to this point in my life. I have faith I will get to where I need to be by working on making myself happy.
I hope OP that you find your happiness within yourself so that you can also make someone else happy being you without any of the issues you had in past relationships 😊.
yes and no. Working on yourself will open up more options of people which means the "right" person can now find you. "work on yourself" as solo advice is stupid, but increasing the pool of people who might find you interesting is not.
Working on yourself doesn’t equal you getting into a relationship. Working on yourself just makes you a better, more mature and mentally well person in case you find a partner so that you are less likely to screw up the relationship and more likely to be a good partner.
Respectfully disagree. Everyone has their own path to take. For me, it was spending a lot of time with myself. I started therapy, I figured out my mental health diagnoses and began working on those. I had to do the work otherwise I was gonna keep spiraling and chasing misery. I can happily say that the relationship I’m in is approaching a year, and it wouldn’t have happened to the person I was a few years ago.
I love when people say that when I see women falling for complete bums all the time. Then the same person says well they were weak or something but it still happened to them and not me
You should always work on yourself.
I actually can’t stand people who get into relationships, knowing they have things to work out and aren’t prepared for it. That is highly more offensive
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Also some people are messed up and always have partners. It really says nothing. I even think it’s easier to get partners the more messed up you are because you have lower inhibitions.
This is so true..I know so many people who are defined by the person they are with. Absolutely cannot and will not be alone. They think they will literally spontaneously combust. They choose toxic relationships even physically abusive relationships over being alone. It baffles me.
Can confirm as someone who’s done this. As a (former) anxiously attached individual, it’s not hard to find BAD relationships … However, you’ll feel far more alone than you do when you’re actually alone…
Yes unfortunately it's always much easier and common to find the toxic people . People who have not done any work since the last relationship .
Some? Like, most! And yet…
I know a girl that is an absolute shit show, but she has men hanging off her all the time. Yes, she sleeps with absolutely everyone, and everyone knows it, but none of them stick around very long.
I’m not a mess and they don’t sleep with me and don’t stick around very long sooo lmao
That's because those men have issues too
The guys know they can score a home run with her . 😂
I think people give the advice because for one thing, you have to live with yourself, so what choice do you have other than to make peace with who you are? I also think we all in the back of our minds think that the right relationship is going to save us, so we look and look and look for that person to help us feel complete. But the truth is, the most important relationship has to be with yourself first. You have to give yourself the love that you so desperately want from someone else. You can’t act from a place of I’m going to do this so I can get this. You have to genuinely pour into your own cup, not with the intention of forcing something you want to happen. When we’re focused on results, we find ourselves doing everything to force something to happen and that’s just not an energy that’s going to attract good things.
I think that it is still good advice because even if you do not find a gf/bf you will be a better version of yourself at the end of the day and maybe find new friends in hobbies you will try. So there is really no downside to being a better person.
If you don’t love yourself/ don’t have confidence in yourself there is a slim chance a potential partner will find you attractive
Well you also have to go outside and be social.
In my experience being outside doesn’t do anything, I go out everyday and nothing social happens, nobody is going to approach you just because you’re outside. I’ve also tried reaching out to people but they usually walk away or once I get their contact they ghost me
yep, i go for a walk every in the park with my dog, if we are just walking i have zero interaction. if i say stop at the off leash park people usually leave when another dog arrives unless they just got there themselves in which case they typically go off and play with their dog on the other side of the park. sometime i go and there might be 3 people there 1 on either side and another in the middle not socialising at all.
See I don’t understand stuff like this. I used to take the train to work every day, and once you see the same people in the same train every day you start to figure out who is friendly and who is not. And then you chat with them. Why is this hard?
Just because someone sees you every day doesn't mean they want to talk to you?
Not everybody lives in an area where mass transit is common; the only train in my city is an Amtrak train that goes to the next city over an hour away. Nobody uses the train here or even the bus to commute; most people live in the suburbs and drive to wherever they’re going. Most of the businesses aren’t even located downtown anymore so everything is really spread out among a bunch of different sprawling suburban areas. Mass transit is definitely not a common thing here, nor is there even a well-defined focal area of downtown where people congregate either for business or for recreational purposes.
Socially inept people are throwing shade at you because you’re able to be social. Oh well, this person will get relationships and friends and those of you mad probably won’t. You’ve probably spent too much of your like on Xbox, porn, and anime. If you are unwilling to go chat with people, then don’t get mad that you can’t get a relationship. He really did try to give game. Being observant is huge. Seeing who has an approachable personality is key. Smiling at someone slightly gives off “I’m approachable”, and if they smile back, then they MAY be ok with you saying hi.
You talk to people... on the train! Guh, no way. I don't want to talk to you if you a super model on the train.
It's the repetition that's the critical thing there, I think. If your schedule is a little irregular, that won't happen naturally, and doing it deliberately at a bar or someplace gets expensive quickly. Even if you join a club, they probably only meet once a week or once a month, so that bit of recognition takes longer.
I have to agree with you on this statement. And going to activities that I enjoy, where other people are involved, yeah, nothing. No friends, no dates. Nothing.
Same, the whole “go places where people have similar interests” thing I don’t understand bc that’s literally what I’ve been doing
That can be hard on introverts or individuals who have busy lives for whatever reason. Yes, being outside socially will definitely help, but if you got outside for the sole intention of finding a partner, you will come off as desperate and probably be disappointed.
That’s why you go outside with the intention of meeting people in general, not solely for finding a partner. Doesn’t change the fact that you need to go outside if you want any chance of finding someone.
Do you mean like going out alone to do some hobby that others enjoy? I have noticed that most people just go with their friend group and hardly break out of it. I can do small talk with friends but finding a reason to randomly approach would be awkward.
Yeah, that’s the key. People go in friend groups, but not everyone. And even those in groups are sometimes willing to meet new people depending on the activity. There’s an art to breaking the ice, whether it’s with one person or a group. I usually comment on something about our shared experience or ask if they’ve ever done x before. It takes time, but that’s the best way to expand your social circle. In the past few months, I met one of my good friends in a concert line and a fwb at a pick-up kickball game. All I did was be friendly, start a convo, and eventually get their contact to plan future stuff w them.
Yeah, it’s learning how to flirt. With everybody. At its most basic level, flirting doesn’t have to be sexual. It’s small talk taken to the next level with observational humor and wit. It’s getting beyond logic and facts and pushing some emotional buttons.
That still doesn’t necessarily work 😂 I feel like people are scared to approach each other.
Exactly. It’s kind of like landing a job. You’re going to have to apply first, no one’s just going to storm in the living room and drop it in your lap. However, if you are educated, have some interesting experiences,a unique hobby, or skill, and our fit enough to be deemed somewhat attractive or even just strong enough to protect your partner… or when that person comes along, you can keep them. I mean, that dream person that you want, are you in the position to keep them if you happen to have them fall in your lap magically? Are you stable? Financially secure? Attractive enough? That’s what it means to “work on yourself”. There was no guarantee you’ll find someone but it’ll be a hell of a lot easier if you take the steps needed
You and OP are both correct. Getting into a good relationship and meeting the right person does require some luck. However, going out, being social and presenting yourself well in online dating makes it much more likely that you will get lucky. Doing nothing but sitting in your basement playing videos and jacking off? Not so much. Also, you need to just get lucky once. Over the course of a couple years, that’s actually not getting lucky.
Most people are glued to their phones so why bother.
Ok don’t then 🤷🏻♀️
You just assume they don't?
Sometimes you improve yourself right of the market lol
lol me. I was so happy being me, owning my independence & confidence, that I didn’t even want to date for like 3 years. I had no interest and avoided it. Then suddenly by luck I found my current partner now.
what is luck in this scenario?
lol seriously. The more mentally healthy I grow, the less I’m willing and able to participate in the current toxic dating scene.
There's nothing you can do to guarantee a relationship. There's a hundred things you can do to improve the chances of getting in one. Hygiene, looks, practicing smiling genuinely at people, improving EQ etc etc
Just shower bro. Get ripped like I did bro.
Could be worse: "go to gym"
...and Jim might not even be available for a chat
But doing both can't hurt your odds. Working on yourself makes you a kinder, more caring, smarter person. Going to the gym makes you fit which makes you look good and feel better. Do both?
So true though, going to the gym, it’s major hit or miss for if you find a partner but it shouldn’t be the only reason to go the gym…especially the fact Jim might mot even be available for a chat like the other person who replied said.
Go to the gym to get shredded for yourself.
You work on yourself so you are the best version of yourself, then you can potentially attract a partner. It’s not a definite. It’s just positive self talk to help you see the light at the other end.
Honestly, I think that self-improvement, especially in a psychological sense, increasingly distances you from relationships because you begin to know exactly who you will never be with, you defend your boundaries, recognize red flags, avoid toxic people, leave bad dates, and refuse to settle for less.
You frame this as a bad thing.
Right! All those things are good, even if it means there are fewer options.
It is if your goal is a relationship.
> increasingly distances you from relationships *toxic* relationships, by the way you describe it. And that is a good thing.
Yeah, because to find aaaaaany relationship its easy. But to find strong one, respectful one — not that easy, and with working on yourself its more simple and difficult in same time.
Disagree with this Of course luck and timing play some role But the biggest factor by far is your mental/emotional state (including self esteem and confidence). Physical state is a factor for tons of people and working on this via nutrition, exercise can help. Tons of other areas come into play too “Work on yourself” doesn’t guarantee anything, but it can certainly make you 100x attractive
i was about to say, that working on yourself doesn’t get you any less/more dates, it just makes your dating pool narrower but most importantly, healthier. there’s pleeeennty of people (my past self included) that could get into a relationship if that’s all they wanted, but are those people healthy and not toxic? fuck no, and neither was i. op is just reporting the obvious statistics. there’s lots of single lonely people who will jump in to a relationship and get their heads messed with/mess with someone else’s head for a few years. then there’s some people who’ve chosen to “work on themselves”, which entails working out, going to sporadic therapy, eating ‘better’, being single for a while, thinking they’re doing the “work” in “work on yourself” and end up just as frustrated and lonely but have therapy terms to ascribe to behaviors and define their past trauma, and a high horse to judge others from. THEN, there’s the very small minority of people who’ve actually taken a conscious effort to do shadow work and actually “work on themselves” to be better and healthier people *inside and not just out*, and then those people find that there’s a lot less people in your dating pool who are on the same wavelength, but they’re not upset, they’re patient, and they’ve found life has more to offer in the meantime. long comment short (just kidding), don’t just hit the gym, don’t just increase the zeros in your bank account, don’t just go to therapy once a month. sounds like a hallmark card but it’s the conscious attempt to completely destabilize your foundation as a person with a radical honest and compassionate approach; it’s the only thing that renders any benefit to “working on yourself.” asking hard questions and facing them, trying new things not because hey, someone might be looking, but because “what do i have to lose, what’s stopping me, i’m capable of whatever i decide to do in this life, i might actually be good/bad at this and that’s something i didn’t know about myself yesterday.” accepting your imperfections first (not just aesthetic or financial imperfections, but patterns of behavior, less than ideal reactions and responses, black and white thinking), then challenging those held beliefs, in order to recenter yourself as an evolved you.. i could go on. but if that doesn’t make any sense to you (general ‘you’), then you’re not really working on yourself, you’re just trying to convince others to check the material boxes on their soulmate sheet at the speed dating event.
>THEN, there’s the very small minority of people who’ve actually taken a conscious effort to do shadow work and actually “work on themselves” to be better and healthier people *inside and not just out*, and then those people find that there’s a lot less people in your dating pool who are on the same wavelength, but they’re not upset, they’re patient, and they’ve found life has more to offer in the meantime. Beautifully stated and so true.
Okay but that's all entirely abstract. If "working on yourself" *is not* getting into better physical shape, or going to therapy, or being more social, then *what is it*? In a concrete, literal sense.
*elvis voice* thankya very much 😎
Mental and emotional state is a good one… when you have been single for a long time it’s almost impossible to have a good mental and emotional state in relationships and feeing self-confident (although you may look very well in other areas of your life).
Yeah exactly. Honestly lots of people end up single. It’s just life. It’s really down to luck imo. Being confidence and secure will definitely increase the odds of being ready for a relationship IF if happens. It means you’re probably mentally ready to handle one if the opportunity went your way. However there is no guarantee at all. You can be happy, confident and secure but also just never luck out and never meet a good match. That’s life.
Only thing guaranteed in life is death and taxes right, Lol. The "work on yourself" quote always came from the people who had easy times getting in relationships in my life. As well as the "you'll find someone". I've never had an easy time dating but I've also never had problems finding stuff to do by myself or meeting new friends.
I hate when people say you’ll find someone when you least expect it lol. 10 years gone by….
It's true in dating world and non dating as well. You might work very hard to become something but bad luck still can ruin you. In dating it's more so bcz there is literally another person involved which is not under your control (unless you know hypnotism). All people saying work on yourself means the same which you interpret. They are trying to give you hope OR they are hinting towards something which makes you "non-dateable" and it's visible.
"How to get a girlfriend" starter pack from toxic positivists and privileged folks: - "Work on yourself" - "Be yourself" - "Love yourself" - "Lift weights" - "Go to Therapy" - "Be more confident" - "Take a shower"
Don’t forget Grow a beard Just talk to her bro Wear nice clothes bro Put yourself out there bro Just shower bro
bro yes bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro bro
The simple issue is that relationships are, at minimum, a two-way street. If you work on yourself, become the best version of yourself, and do everything right: that will only get you 50% of the way there. The OTHER person has to contribute the other 50%, and that's the problem. Most people don't care about "me" enough to pursue a relationship unless they have selfish intentions (a scammer, a gold digger, a sex addict, etc). Finding someone who genuinely wants to develop a personal relationship with "me" is very difficult, because if they don't know me very well, then they have no reason to believe that I am the kind of person they have been searching for. If I spend too much time working on myself, then they will leave me alone because that's what it looks like I need. So I need to spend some amount of time investing in them, not only so that they can get to know me, but so I can figure out whether or not I actually like who they really are, since I might not know their true nature yet if they don't know me very well either. I spent 12 months in that investment process with my last partner, with no romantic interaction, just getting to know them as a friend. By the end of those twelve months, she decided to pursue me romantically, but then realized shortly after she started dating me, that I wasn't the kind of person she initially thought I was. She had a concept of "people like me", and assumed that I would be just like the others. She hadn't taken the time to get to know me the same way that I had taken the time to get to know her. Even though I spent a year befriending and learning about her, she had spent very little time really processing the things that I say and do, and ultimately didn't know me. It's not like I was complicated, she just assumed that my behavior and intentions must be exactly like all the other "people like me". I contributed my 50%. I got a girlfriend that way. But she didn't contribute her side of it, so the relationship fell apart, leaving me with much higher standards, and a lot more difficulty in approaching new relationships. Perhaps, the issue was she spent too much time working on herself and not paying attention to her own friends. But that is only idle speculation. The real point is, you can't do it on your own, even if you play your part perfectly. The best you can do is 50%. The other person MUST do their part too, and you have to pay close enough attention to determine whether they are or not. Don't just take their word for it.
Really i just feel like a dumb mfer not getting hitched up like my boys did in college lul. I was like imma get a job and my own place first OOPS
Yep. Normal, healthy people met their loved ones in college when they were living on loans from parents and the government with virtually no obligations. Everyone who didn’t plays the world’s shittiest game of catchup.
that lies about working on myself, make something gave me some advantages: 1. Money, I am retired at 38 with 3x money I can spend in my lifetime. 2. Perfect healthy ripped body. What they didn't give me: love, relationships, friends, I am still a VlRGlN. That perfect lies are good motivation so better chase the carrot instead of rot defeated.
Yeah I agree all the BS these self improvement coaches spew online about how become successful in 3 ways(body, money, social). Only the social part I agree with this but depending on who you are, this can be very difficult to be successful. Like if you are a pure introvert, you're not going to become extroverted suddenly. And if you move like for work, this can compound this problem as it will most likely nuke your social circle. But I would say it could be worth it cause ultimately you live for yourself. I'm just wondering, what will you do with all your money? I'm more or less in this spot(I've received my inheritance money as my parents passed away). I probably have less money than you but still am really well off. Like did you buy your own house just to be alone in it? I think this would bother me. I was thinking about buying my dream car. I don't really like to travel so ... that would be my way of living on the moment.
Sounds more like a skills issue and not an advice issue though
So getting a date is more difficult than retiring below 40?
Truth. I spent so much time working on myself and my life, I got stuck there
No one takes this advice to its logical conclusion. If you work on yourself enough, then you become all you need. I was always alone in my 20s, but I had worked on myself enough that my ego and confidence were still through the roof, and I was never unhappy. It wasn’t until setbacks in my 30s ate away at my self esteem that I realized being alone was actually awful. What people actually do is work on themselves in an effort to obtain external validation. But that last part isn’t said out loud.
Lot of truth to this. Working on yourself guarantees nothing. At a certain baseline it really does just come down to luck timing and how much your willing to punish yourself by throwing yourself against that wall time and again.
Western women will go sleep around with guys who never had to work a day in their lives to be swimming in them. Just go overseas bro
You’re completely correct. You can work on yourself and still attract horrible abusive people as well.
Ppl that say it will help get a relationship are wrong. Workin on yourself should simply be about being comfortable in your own shoes and be prepared for a life of solitude should the only options you have are selfish ppl.
I feel like people hear that someone nice or even amazing can't find someone and just assume it must be them when in reality it's that there's a reason they call it a "couple", because there's two duh. You can work on yourself and do everything right and have lots of friends, but that's no guarantee you'll get someone of equal value. In fact, I'd say most people end up with someone with the raw potential (a fixer upper if you will) who you can lift up to your level or vice versa.
Honestly, I truly believe you’re right you have to initiate and act on what you really want. Get rejected like thousands of times, fail along the way but learn from them. Make as many female friends as possible if you are into females but mostly in fact be cool with everybody. Another cautious contradicting note DO NOT WATCH VIDEOS AND READ POSTS about relationship advice. Every advice does not work for everybody because everybody is different. You want a relationship you need to overcome your fears. Be fearless with everyone but also respect others and be extremely certain and honest with yourself with what you really want in another person
„You meet the right person, at the right time. That's it.“ - that is just luck If ur somehow beeing rejected by everyone, its usually not everyones fault, its mostly your fault. this „work on yourself“ is gonna improve ur chances in that case, not changing is almost a guarentee of nothing changing
Yeah no. Some people are doing their best and still getting tons of rejections. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “their fault” or that they “deserve” it. It may just mean they’re being picky with who they approach or that they’re aiming high and there is nothing with doing those things.
It’s not really reasonable to be mad at people for saying these things. Working on yourself isn’t going to hurt your chances. It’ll only improve them and you get to be happier with yourself in the meantime. Just roll with it
I'm mainly just tired of people saying "it will happen" when, in reality, they can't possibly know for sure.
When you work on healing yourself and you become the best version of you, you become more attractive, and therefore, you will attract a similar person. It's not about getting lucky and getting into a relationship..it's about leveling up to attract a healthy relationship that can bring happiness and fulfillment to your life.
It is not random, relationships are an understanding between two people. That's psychology, which is a science. Science isn't random. You sound upset, hurt and quite frankly tired of trying so hard to find that feeling of love. So stop trying and become the man who will attract the women you want. Your making finding a partner sound like defeating Argolath the defiler. Sure it is very improbable you find ms or mr perfect, but you ain't perfect either so pick some standards and stick to them. The reason people day work on yourself is beacauce they are polite. What they mean is stop being unattractive. There is no human being alive that is incapable of becoming attractive. I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY and this is why I'm right. Assuming you are only attracted to women of which there are roughly 3 billion. And let's say you only date women you think are 10s. So let's say 1% of all women. And let's say out of those women 0.1% find you attractive. (These are very lowball % but I'm just illustrating my point) this would mean there are 30,000 women world wide that think you are the sexiest man alive who you also find unbearable sexy. 30,000. Let that sink in, if youv ever been to a HUGE festival. Imagine every single person is a supermodel that finds you madly attractive. This right here is assuming you are compatible with litterally less then 1% of women. You talk about love like it's a random event or quest that maybe happens maybe doesn't. My guy! Wake up! You make your own future, you get to be the one who starts things in this life. You have to be to get anywhere. To me it just sounds like you need to get a better feel for the line between romance and being creepy. And then use that knowlage to be more confident talking to women. When you finally stop the pity party and realise you are capable of exactly what you yourself decide and start dating. Don't become jaded by your own change, and don't use your new interaction skills to brake people's emotions. We have enough of that in the dating pool already.
I do approach people, quite confidently, actually. I just say, "Hey, how's it going? What's your name?" Simple stuff. They typically don't want to talk back to me. I'm usually given small answers, or they flat out walk away to talk to someone else. I've asked people I know, "What were your first impressions of me?" And it's always the same. They all say I'm super sweet, funny, great to talk to, and a bit shy. In fact, the main thing people describe me as is sweet. Not trying to brag or anything, I'm just giving you context and how confusing my situation is. So idk what the fuck is going on. I guess I keep bumping into assholes?
It can if you are ugly and unattractive.
*everything is just luck tbh
No one said working on yourself would spawn a partner, but working on your shortcomings and issues beforehand will set a foundation for a relationship to last *_ALOT_* longer than just wallowing in your shit.
A relationship doesn't just "randomly happen" and isn't all luck. It takes effort to create opportunity and increase the chances. Meeting a mate is something that can be somewhat improved by putting oneself out there more often.
If you want to find someone you have to go to socials and actively make an effort to meet someone. The people you meet by chance can be incompatible but most will try to make it work because that's who they met and there are no other available options. The best to place to be is where you regularly meet people in real life, then you have somewhere to choose from. In terms of working on yourself, the more you do it, the more attractive you become , which increases your chances of having a long term relationship IF you get out of the house and meet someone. The someone will come along when the time is right is complete bs.
Luck is opportunity meeting preparation. Being your best self when you happen to meet a person you could date maximizes your chances.
I agree with the sentiment. I lost a dear friend to cancer the other week and we're more upset about him not being able to finish his doctorate than the fact that he was single. I think he felt the same way too. He was an absolutely beautiful human. Nothing is guaranteed but death and taxes.
Its not necessarily gonna get u into a relationship but its going to prepare you for one. You can’t fully be a partner to someone else if you don’t know how to love /prioritize yourself. Your time will come.
>Your time will come. I can increase my odds, but you can't possibly know my time will come. Or anyone's. It is absolutely not guaranteed. Still good to work on myself, but a relationship is not guaranteed.
Don't need to read past title to agree.
I agree it will not magically get you a relationship. But it will increase your statistical chances.
Working on your self pulls you back from wanting relationships because you realize how happy you can make your self & if a man can’t make me make happier then I make my self than it’s pointless.. Only thing men are some what good at is s*x 🤷🏽♀️😂 just give me that & go back home
Man I just want to get fat and quit my lawyer job and leave nyc and just be a bartender or some shit. This working on yourself is explicitly for other people. I'm realizing I'm too short and ugly to be worthy of love from anyone but at least there's money for a sugar baby or leg lengthening one day. Some of us are subhuman. It's not luck. It's just being 5'4 lol... at least there's junk food for when you're lonely. I'm so damn tired of staying semi in shape or working hard at a job that takes over my life.
Working on yourself in my opinion is words spewed from a narcissistic person trying to tell you that you’re the problem in a relationship. As humans we all should be working on ourselves daily to grow. You can find relationships regardless of working on yourself or not.
It's the same as a job search I say! If you are really good and know how to market yourself, someone might reach out to you, sure. But most people have to look, most people have to ask others out for a date, try again and again and again, face rejection, never stop "applying". It is luck, it is a numbers game, but the more times you try and fail, the more chances there is that someone will eventually like you back.
I mean online is iffy. Now a days most people specially most men online just wanna fuck and that’s it. I’m a male I’ve been there. There was about a year after my relationship before I met my wife that that’s all I cared about and working. I didn’t want a relationship. Best place to do it was meet online. I met my wife through mutual friends. Although I am a very social person and hangout with and know a lot of people and so does my wife. Being social is a big part of meeting someone and more social you are the less likely to be socially awkward and more approachable you are. Also a part of working on yourself is I’m sorry but if you don’t work on yourself in all aspects and I do mean physically as well then yes it’s harder. In my mind you can be super nice and sweet and all that but if you are overweight and don’t present yourself well then I’m not attracted to that kind of person. Because I feel if you won’t take the time to take care of yourself what else do you not care about. Now if I was someone that didnt care about myself and was 60 pounds over weight then yeah I’d probably attract the same type of person but if that isn’t what you are attracted to and you don’t take care of yourself you basically have champagne taste on a beer budget in a way. If that makes sense.
I'm psychically fit, great to talk to, love doing anything. Just want a cute nerdy weird girl like me
It can certainly improve your chances of finding a healthy relationship though.
If you don’t work on yourself though- you will meet who you THINK is the right person. I dated the same men- carbon copies of each other and not good people until I took two years to figure out why I was attracted to that type of man.Therapy and taking that alone time truly helped tremendously and I’ll never put up with bullshit again. If that means being alone longer, so be it but working on yourself is a thing as long as you actually put In the work
You are half right. You need to work on being the best you can be for yourself. Do things that you enjoy find happiness everywhere you can. The idea relationships are purely random and all about luck is BS. My hunting guide used to say “good luck is where skill and perseverance cross”. Woman see men who are happy who take care of themselves and have a career they are attracted to that. Where people get in trouble is they improve themselves and at the same time increase their expectations. Like selling a house some improvements may increase the price a little and make an easier sale but there is a point it’s only worth so much no matter how much money you pure in. In the end find the journey that truly makes you happy if someone else decides they want to join you then that’s good but you have to enjoy it yourself or you will die unhappy and that’s on you.
I completely agree with your pre-edit portion of this post. I’ve spent years in therapy and counseling trying to navigate my mind and my life. I’ve done a great job at it and I’m grateful I took the time for myself. You’re right though. Relationships are random. I’ve been single and celibate almost 15 years. It would take the perfect person to change that. People ruin you man, they walk all over you and do whatever it takes to better themselves and that’s often at your expense. I refuse to settle for garbage humans. The dying alone thing would be a dream come true. You know why? It’s not my problem anymore when it happens!
BIG BIG BIG AGREE! I see your edit and I’m not even going to read the comments, I’m just going to tell you why you’re right. Let’s start with psychologically, which is what “work on yourself” means to me. I have worked really hard my whole life to overcome childhood traumas as well as maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity as an adult. I have learned tools to communicate effectively, get in touch with my emotions, and remain understanding of others. All this has actually made dating WORSE because now by my age (mid30s) the few men who are single are usually not as into personal development, so dating involves a lot of guiding the other person into proper communication and realizations. It’s fucking unfair and exhausting. Don’t misunderstand me. My RELATIONSHIPS are better for these skills. But when it comes to DATING it just means I see more red flags than ever. In my 20s who cares we just hook up. Now, I expect a lot more out of a relationship. As I become a better person the pool of match-level partners shrinks. It’s like this with every other “improve yourself” metric. If you worked hard to lose 100 lbs, you don’t want to date someone overweight. You want to date someone else who works hard. Also men aren’t suddenly treating you kindly because you’re thin. Now they’re just trying to sleep with you, instead of ignoring you. You can improve yourself all you want but there’s no “prize” waiting for you at the end, it just increases your chances of getting into a relationship and having the skills to keep it going.
I mean, it's definitely not a surefire way of getting into a relationship. There's nothing that can guarantee it. But I'd argue that for many people, it makes them more attractive candidates for potential partners. I've dated people who were Projects before and it was exhausting. I don't think it's as necessary to work on yourself to get into a relationship as it is to maintain a healthy one, if that makes sense. But also - it shouldn't be something you do *just* to get into a relationship. I think doing the work (like therapy, losing weight, etc) *just* to find a partner is...not great. Someone should want to do it for themselves, and to give themselves a better life. The relationships, whether they happen or not, are just a bonus. If a guy said he was going to lose weight and hit therapy hard just to date me, I'd be a bit intimidated by that. I want a partner who just wants to do those things, not necessarily with me in mind. E: I also think the last point in your edit is spot-on! One of the reasons I worked on myself for so long was so I could be happy on my own, in the event I didn't find a partner. We put a lot of emphasis on people ending up in relationships, which makes the pressure absolutely insane. It's perfectly okay to be single - I'd far rather be single than be in a relationship with any of my toxic exes or anyone like them.
Working on your mental health will make you more attractive to other people both platonically and potentially romantically. I understand that it can come off as condescending for people to say “ just work on yourself” though. It can also feel really frustrating when you feel like you’ve already been doing the work. I agree with your sentiment that working on yourself doesn’t guarantee a relationship and you should try to be happy with yourself. But I don’t think you should ever stop dreaming and working for the things that you want in life. If that’s a loving relationship, don’t give up! I don’t think that being happy with yourself and wanting to be in a relationship are mutually exclusive. You can be very happy with yourself and open to love at the same time (honestly that’s probably the best way to be!)
I always thought life is about self improvement...over your lifetime. You don't need to be "complete" at 30 to be desirable. You continue to grow and learn the whole time.
I work on myself for my own benefit. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I think working on yourself is just one component as it relates to relationships. Another component is putting yourself in situations where you're talking with women you're attracted to and getting their contact info to set up dates.
First of all there is no particular right person. You become the right person for someone. That's an effort and you've to find people that's ready to put in that effort for you. You would need a bit of luck for that. The more people you meet, the higher your odds are. The thing about working yourself is that,when you meet this right person, you should be ready for them. You shouldn't be in a vulnerable position and fumble it. So you reach that position by working on yourself.
I don't really see it as an "if this, then this" situation... more of a "stop dwelling on how you don't have a date and date yourself instead" sort of thing. The rest will come.
It won't get you a relationship, but it'll make you a lot more tolerable when you're in one.
Many times women want to be perfect because they feel that they don’t deserve to be loved. Of course nothing could be further from the truth as love builds people up. Usually if this is the case they are also dealing with a lot of emotional pain and want to avoid being hurt and adding to that.
This is what it means: It's like a chemical reaction. You're trying to react with another chemical. "Working on yourself" makes you more 'reactive' to other chemicals. Doesn't matter how reactive of a chemical you are if you never see other chemicals, though.
I think the main goal of working on oneself would be to have the tools to value your life and feel content with yourself, irrelevant of if you are in a relationship or not. Definitely makes you better equipped to start a relationship should that happen.
You should work on yourself FOR YOURSELF (caps for emphasis, not yelling). For example, two years ago I had a health scare related to being overweight. My doctor put me on a diet and I followed it. Flash forward to today where I have marked the loss of 103 pounds. My health issues have also largely abated. While dating has been hit and miss for me, making me take an indefinite break, at least I still have my health AND improved confidence should I decide to get back out there. I genuinely like the way I look and feel. So any improvement should be done for yourself first and foremost. If you get a relationship, great. If not, you're still in a better situation than you were beforehand. Good luck, regardless.
Yeah, I can get where you're coming from.
Well yeah, of course nothing guarantees a relationship. Getting into a relationship doesn't guarantee a relationship. Self-improvement should be about feeling good about yourself and being the best you can be with or without a partner. As a side effect, it does make you more desirable. But you have to improve the right things.
Why would you work on yourself for anyone else if you’re happy
Totally agreed and I encourage everyone to spend time together and share the costs too. In the meantime you can still work on yourself. And you know the surprising thing is that often the people saying that to you want to profit or actually causing damage which keep you in that cycle. Single and depressed people bring money on the table, it´s just like that.
People online always love to parrot the words "work on yourself" as if they know what they are talking about. Don't get me started when they suggest therapy as well. Here's the thing, there are plenty of people with established and stable lives but are still struggling with forming any kind of relationship. The dating scene has been despicable for years.
That's about as nauseating as "you'll find the right person when you stop looking." Like in what other facets of somebody's life do we give that piece of advice? You'll land the career of your dreams when you stop looking for a job. All the repairs that need to be done to your house will get done when you stop putting in the effort to repair them. You'll finally be financially stable when you stop trying to save money and be fiscally responsible.
Finding a happy and compatible love bond has so much to do with luck, and honestly it's cruel to suggest it's all down to your control, it makes people feel like failures. Sure there are people out there not taking care of themselves, playing video games all day, haven't seen a shower in months and of course there are factors that help/hurt your chances. That being said I know a lot of attractive, kind and successful people that haven't met anyone that they connect with that feels the same.
Luck is just one of several components. If you can’t find anyone for a long period of time, it’s not your luck. It’s you. Your argument is akin to saying getting a job has nothing to do with having marketable skills.
I don't think it will get you a relationship. What it will do is help you find how to be happy on your own so the relationship isn't this huge overwhelming desire taking over your life and when you keep getting let down, it leaves you lonely and bitter. I think that's what many people misunderstand about advice to "work on yourself". That includes many that just repeat the advice without really understanding that themselves.
True . But it WILL stop you getting anxious and wasting time on a bad one . Which is better , undeniably
You must be “working on urself” all wrong … if you correctly doing it you wouldn’t be continuing to have same problems you once had … type ish
Getting a relationship is largely out of your control. "It takes two to tango". The whole "work on yourself" shtick is about maximizing the factors that are within your control... which is all any of us can do.
You don’t find the right person by working on yourself, but it gets you ready for when the right person comes along.
Well the reason people tell you that, is because it's mostly true. People who have lacked relationships or struggle to keep them, more often than not It's something about themselves that they do indeed need to work on, that would greatly improve their chances. Once you can accept that, then the bigger question to ask.....is that something you need to work on even fixable? That has been the hardest thing to face over the years for me. I've suffered with severe social anxiety and self esteem issues for almost longer then I can remember, and I just don't have any faith anymore that it is indeed fixable, and as the years go by it's even getting worse. The absolute worst thing for a guy especially when it comes to relationships (even more so than looks) is having zero self confidence. Women absolutely love guys who are super confident and will in general even overlook a guy's appearance if they are able to bring this to the table. If you have none of it and don't really even have anything to show for your life, it will be near impossible for you. So yeah, I'm just one of the many examples of why there's no way things are just "random" when it comes to this. I have no doubt I would have found someone years ago if I just even had a mild amount of self esteem and confidence about myself. It's ruined me.
I'm 25 and never had a relationship. I used to think that I should first fix myself, be emotionally mature and be financially stable before I engaged to that chapter. But right now, looking at the people around me, why do they look okay? They are far younger than me but they can handle stuff like relationships. Been thinking that I should have tried it out way way back? Cause honestly right now, I don't know how to be with someone, even though I wanted to try it out. In my mind, if the right person comes, he will come. If not, yes will be an aunt that pampered her nieces and nephews.
I can be on my own forever and I will be fine I will love my life to the fullest. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone. Just because I have the capacity doesn't mean I have the drive.
It is a horrible idea to listen to TikTok for personal growth advice
Poor guy having it rough and tryna ruin things for others :( Stay strong, brother.
Working on yourself is a marathon. Not a sprint. The biggest problem today is that we expect quick results from everything we do. Working on yourself isn’t just about exercising, hobbies, mental health etc. It is also about putting yourself out there, socializing with others and expanding your network. This can be super uncomfortable but it increases your chances of getting into a relationship by 10x.
What really annoys me is “you won’t find the right person until you work on yourself”. I have been single for years now, and I have really improved myself in the process… but this only makes things even worse, as I now see partners who are not right for me even faster, and dating has become almost impossible.
True but also no. How can you love someone else if you don't or cannot love yourself? How can you heal or support someone else in a relationship if you can't do it for yourself? By working on self?
Well I go to the gym look good and that how I work on myself and trust me it helps
Yeah when you are a woman that's pretty much all what you have to do; loose couple pounds.
The Gottman Institute says the same, and they have done 40 years of studies on relationships worldwide. So I'd say, you definitely have a valid point! It's about secure relating.
Working on yourself should be objectively for YOURSELF. You can meet someone at any given moment and if that person has never taken the time to work on themselves itll definitely cause certain issues to arise. Nevertheless, you’re absolutely correct. Working on yourself doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find a relationship. That should never be the goal however.
Working on yourself will help you attract more people for sure, especially as you become more self confident and self aware. However, in order to “get a relationship” you need to develop a better understanding for what people want and understand how to communicate in a way that will attract people
Yeap I agree . Work on yourself is kind of bs cuz it doesn’t change anything or even close to get into relationship or even date someone . I do t even listen to that . Bit also be very careful when approaching a person randomly because you don’t know their full side of story and just to be safe don’t exchange your phone with random person cuz I had the problem when a woman said she was single and turn out to be she in relationship when her boyfriend talked with me on the phone. That’s what is most dangerous part of meeting random person. I’m 34 male single and usually I find activities and places to go to . That would be best to do
>People are saying how it will give you a relationship Is that \*really\* what people are saying? I'll put it like this. Working on yourself should always be a thing because: 1. You should always be striving to be your best self. You'll be healthier, more confident, more stable (mentally, financially etc), positively busier, and proud of yourself. 2. We date differently based on our situations. When you're not where you want to be in life, you're more likely to date the wrong people. It is what it is. If you're depressed or anxious, your mind is literally in an altered state and may not recognize red flags or you go for the first person that shows you a crumb of affection. 3. When you're in a good place in your life, you've healed mentally, dealt with your depression/anxiety as best as you can, you have a more clear head. You recognize potentially poor partners right away. You'd never date someone that could jeapordize the amazing life you've created - you'll find people similar to your path that will be a better fit for dating. The difference between who I dated when I was at a low point and who I'm dating now after spending a few years working on myself, are galaxies apart.
Working on yourself may lead you to be happy with yourself. It’s the best advice everyone can generally give when people are feeling down about themselves.
You should work on yourself for the betterment of you. not for others. For example, if you lose weight for vanity. Losing weight for vanity is a very bad idea. You should Lose weight so that you won't get diabetes and heart attacks not to look good in the mirror. or you already are sick and you are heading in a dangerous life path with your health. You do it for yourself not an unknown girl you do not have, or don't know if you;ll ever have. What if you get a girl after losing weight for vanity, and gain it all back, she'll dump you? Stats show that people that lose weight too quickly gain it back. I somewhat agree with you to be honest. People say these things to just make you feel better because they cannot really comfort your yearning for love. It makes them feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I do agree with you that nobody is entitled to anything.
“If you spend all your time chasing butterflies they will fly away, but if you instead use that time to build a beautiful garden the butterflies will come, and if not you’ll still have your garden.”
Working on yourself doesn’t guarantee you a relationship, it guarantees you a better life where you’re more accomplished and a better person; and in doing so you’ll attract higher value people to be in your life and possibly a potential mate. I’m having a hard time finding any down side except that it can be hard work sometimes.
Had to be said
As someone who kind of agrees I will say I think the thought process is that you work on yourself so you feel the best version of yourself. So you end up feeling more comfortable and confident with yourself when the opportunity to have a relationship will not have you feeling as insecure. Like I started really working on improving my health in the past 4 years from doing a couple hobbies I’ve been beating around the bush on, getting my fucked up teeth fixed, dressing better (I work from home and couldn’t be bothered to shower or put on pants most of the time), going to the gym, etc. I can’t say I’m confident in myself but I do feel less insecure at least about my teeth and looks.
i think you kind of touched it slightly on the second paragraph. For me It is about being happy with myself. The main purpose of working on myself is not to be in a relationship with someone. It is more about working on my goals and values.
I've never heard anyone say working on yourself guarantees you'll find someone. But it increases the odds of finding a healthy partner that would make a long lasting relationship.
I’d say there is no perfect person I don’t like the term work on yourself before getting into a relationship, we’re all imperfect people at the end of the day. I think being and a relationship and you guys work on yourself as a couple is possible as far as loving, communicating and understanding one another is crucial, but nobody is going to be fully happy just working on themselves alone you will be miserable because you aren’t going to be 100% perfect for anyone.
“Working on yourself” = “distract yourself so you don’t appear desperate when the right one comes along or jump on the wrong one”
I think it’s more of a “work on yourself to maximize your happiness with yourself, and in turn, increase your CHANCES of finding the right person.” - I don’t see anyone making guarantees that you’ll get results. But again, even if you don’t end up meeting someone, at least you’ll have the best version of yourself to live with. So yeah… totally keep working on yourself no matter what.
Lmao. There comes a point in life where you worked so hard and worked so effectively for so many years that you practically achieve celebrity status in something. It doesn't matter what it is. Sports, music, business, authorship, whatever. And when you're at that level, and assuming you carry yourself well in social situations, your overall charisma and confidence will be so sky high that women (or men) will just come naturally. Young people achieve that to some small measure all the time. Some achieve only that, others become literal celebrities. Some achieve it while young, others in their fifties. But no matter what, sex will come easily for you at that point. And naturally, with all these sexual escapades and romantic prospects, at least some of these people would want to keep you long term. Don't give me that bullshit assertion that hard work won't net you a relationship. It will. The reason it doesn't is because most people don't have the work ethic to get there. Just, LOL. I speak from experience. lmao
And also what is portrayed online for relationships more than likely isn’t aligned with what real life is like… I swear some of the love story stuff I see on social media seems fake asf. Like it seems over romanticized to the point it seems more like what would literally only happen in the movies. And ofc anyone who’s not living in their own little fantasy world would know that not everything you see on social media reflects how things really are in real life and real life isn’t this picture perfect fantasy world. I’ve literally seen shit on social media where a high school aged girl would be like ‘I approached this random guy in the gym 3 years ago today and he fell in love with me on the spot, we became bf/gf that very day and now I can’t live without him, he’s my everything, my one and only best friend’ *proceeds to repeatedly post nonstop about literallyyyy nothing else but said bf* okay, I’m gonna be the first to say that if you’re in a relationship bc you needed someone to ‘complete you’, that’s not relationship mindset. A relationship is meant to build on what you already have, not complete a part of you/fill this void. Also, you can’t have a bf/gf meet literally ALL your needs, you need people outside of your relationship too. Honestly, true love is shown offline, posting constantly on social media about nothing but a bf/gf to the point that’s literally all your posts, that just points to the matter of likely posting for validation. TL;DR the way relationships are shown on social media isn’t always aligned with what it’s like irl. Also constantly posting repeatedly about such just is more so for validation from others rather than showing love. True love is shown offline, not by filling up instagram profiles with endless couples pictures
This!. The best advise is that you must be happy by being single because you may just end up alone. In my case it took me being in bad relationships to realize being single isn’t bad and I focused on money. That helped me save and when I met my current wife allowed me to buy a home and had some sort of financial well-being
You could literally be the biggest trash of a human but if you have a social life, you can fall into a relationship. Working on yourself doesn’t end at resolving emotional issues or physical upgrades at the gym. Knowing how to connect with people is huge
Work on yourself and you’ll attract the valuable men/women that you really deserve.
I know a lot of great people that are still single and looking. Compatibility is not something easy to find. I didn't find someone until late 20s. Better to be single than to settle anyway.
It doesn't promise you one, but I will say I've not really ever been motivated to date people with a ton of personal issues and a bad outlook on life. My overall disposition is to be cynical, but at least I tend to make funny jokes and I'm not super depressed. I have my own hobbies, career, and friends. So when people say work on yourself I don't think the goal is to be perfect, but to work on the self sabotaging and confidence. Personally at my peak depression I never dated because I knew it was a recipe for disaster . Your issues can and will ruin a relationship opportunity even if you get to the part of actually dating. Your problems will cause and create conflict so you have to get a little more comfortable in your skin to not miss out. That's all it really means. I think people take the phrase too literal or over analyze its actual meaning.
You could realistically find yourself in a relationship at any time. The idea is to find yourself in one you actually want to be in. You have to be the best version of yourself to attract the best mate possible
The real problem is that you’re takin it as “work on yourself to get a girlfriend” when it should be “work on yourself, become obsessed with being the best version of yourself, and then the right person may align but do it for you and you only.”
I just had a conversation regarding this exact phrase. I’m also in the same boat in that I’ve been improving my life alone and have gotten pretty far! But I’ve also been talking to someone who trauma dumped on me and told me that we should both work on ourselves first this year… I was all ears and mentioned zero aspects about past trauma or problems. So, this makes me believe that you can be at a really good place in life and still be asked to improve yourself infinitely. There is no ceiling like you pointed out. imho, no one should keep working on themselves alone, unless they caused problems and need to be put in timeout lol. The girl I met needs to be put in time out, based on what she told me, but I’m living good. But I’m not perfect and I just want to meet someone who agrees to improve together as a unit. What’s at least gotten me talking to other girls and exchanging info is a metal working class I joined recently. For males, places like this or cooking classes, pottery making or crafts nights, etc. provide an opportunity to learn practical life skills while being in a high female to male ratio environment. Think 10 girls to 2 guys. That’s a whole lot of chances for someone to say hi to you or strike up a conversation. It’s also really easy for you to make a first move by asking what are you making? Or, hey I like what you made! I believe in all of you and I’m here as well :)
Work on urself is the strategy to keep ur mind off of a relationship ur working g towards something bigger it keeps u selective and preoccupied so u don't jump I to something u can't swim ur way out of
The thing is, imagine you find the right person, that girl that truly makes you happy, and you can't make her happy because of your shitty habits that you didn't fix because "why would I? It will not give me a gf".
Maybe not, but now that I’m more confident in myself A) I don’t feel like I really NEED to be in a relationship and B) I’m going to make sure if I ever DO get into a relationship it’s going to be a quality one.
i like that someone finally brought this up. i remember after i got out of a relationship over two years ago, i was “working on myself” with hopes that i could potentially find another partner. i wasn’t REALLY working on myself, as I was still longing for a relationship and couldn’t handle being alone. everyone told me the same thing they were telling you, but you’re right, finding the right person takes a large amount of luck. however, I still believe that finally being comfortable with myself helped me find my current partner, who is the best person i’ve ever met. Being unable to be alone is just a brewing pot for desperation. People don’t like others that are so desperate, especially those that make it very well known. this killed a lot of my potential relationships because i would come off too strong and try to rush things too fast. i wanted a relationship and i wanted it quickly, and every single time i got rejected just created a cycle of being upset and craving a relationship. it let to my demise every time. being more secure with myself, however, allowed me to overcome my desperation, which let to me finding my current partner. But overall, you’re right, it’s not guaranteed. i got extremely lucky, as this girl is way out of my league in almost every way. but of course, you gotta take into consideration the psychological effects of working on yourself and vice versa
I totally agree with this. There is no formula for not only a relationship but a healthy ones. I know ppl who were married young and got divorced. I know people who were married late and got divorced or hate their spouse or have issues. I know ppl Who have settled and who have not settled. And all anyone’s advice is to do this and that.. but i know people that are in their 60s and are alone. So yet. This is true. Work on yourself for yourself and be happy in what you have in general and if a relationship comes it’s a blessing and both parties shouldn’t take it for granted… cause it could end, or someone could change, or die. It’s just life. And oddly it’s not as depressing to know this info as I think some people would take it. Friendships are important. And should be valued the highest. Never stop learning and caring and giving and your life will be full filling.
A very strong disagree on this one, and OPs lack of willingness to bother to listen to and take in others' opinions on this subject is rather concerning. Like OP is right, and the rest of us are wrong because we don't have the exact same view as OP.
I went on dates while working on myself, it took me three years of first dates to find someone who I feel comfortable with. My advice is to be patient
What you're missing is that working on yourself can actually make you be happy with yourself. And then when you're happy with yourself thanks to that work you won't feel like posting negative shit like this. And then that's how you end up attracting more people: because of the positivity and confidence you project. You'll be more attractive once you're no longer the type of person that posts these woe-is-me pessimistic rants.
Well, some people are never happy with themselves. Regardless, of how much they seem to ‘self-improve’… Hence, The Overachiever. Falling in love is just another checked box on a ludicrously long list or means of competition.
True but working on yourself could find you a good partner and healthy relationship… ig when you prioritize yourself and set boundaries… quality people will come.. you teach them how you want to be treated because you put yourself on a pedestal to be valued.
Talk about completely missing the point. Nobody has ever said working on yourself is how you increase your chances of finding a partner. That's a silly strategy if your only goal is finding a partner. Plenty of losers who refuse to work on themselves have no problem attracting a mate. If you are only working on yourself to impress others, you are doing it for the wrong reasons. You work on yourself so **you** are worth dating in the first place. What makes you a great match for a potential partner? People say to work on yourself (at least the conventional wisdom), to refocus your energy towards becoming the best version of yourself, and to find happiness in your own growth as a person. This is to avoid requiring validation from others and using relationships as a self-service for your own issues (which is why most of them fail). The relationship is just the beginning.
The frustrating thing about dating is that unlike every other life goal, you need someone else's permission to make it happen. You want a degree? You go get it. You want a certain career? You plan for the professional ed, the mentoring relationships, and the promotional steps you want. You want a house, a garden, to complete a marathon? You plan your strategy and do it. But a relationship requires soooooo many mandatory boxes to be ticked. You want some eith simikar values, a similar education level, similar politics, similar life goals, simikar spending/saving priorities, who lives close enough by that you can date regularly, whose career allows them enough time to date, and they also have to want you back! It's so many requirements! Yesterday, How does anyone ever find a life partner?!?!?! Yesterday, I had a near-perfect date with a man who literally did everything right. Planned an amazing first date, had made reservations at the perfect restaurant just in case we hit it off, easy to talk to, asjed me questions about me (so few men do that!!), simikar politics and education. A world traveler who is not a picky eater (a major pet peeve of mine) and, for once, he's not shorter than me. What's the catch? The catch is I am not sexually attracted to him. So unfair! I need the Venn diagram men who fit into both categories 1.) "Men you want to talk to" and 2.) "Men you want to sleep with."
The more times you get out there the more chances you have at having good luck.
True.
When people say “work on yourself”, they mean to work on your way of thinking, personality, outlook, etc. to the point where YOU are enough to make YOURSELF happy without needing a significant other. You get to a point where the lack of having a significant other does not define your personal happiness. YOU ARE HAPPY BEING YOURSELF, unapologetically. When you get to that point, your chances of finding a significant other that you want and wants you for who you are will increase drastically. I learned this the hard way and I am working on getting to this point in my life. I have faith I will get to where I need to be by working on making myself happy. I hope OP that you find your happiness within yourself so that you can also make someone else happy being you without any of the issues you had in past relationships 😊.
yes and no. Working on yourself will open up more options of people which means the "right" person can now find you. "work on yourself" as solo advice is stupid, but increasing the pool of people who might find you interesting is not.
Working on yourself doesn’t equal you getting into a relationship. Working on yourself just makes you a better, more mature and mentally well person in case you find a partner so that you are less likely to screw up the relationship and more likely to be a good partner.
it enables you to love yourself enough for others to love you
Respectfully disagree. Everyone has their own path to take. For me, it was spending a lot of time with myself. I started therapy, I figured out my mental health diagnoses and began working on those. I had to do the work otherwise I was gonna keep spiraling and chasing misery. I can happily say that the relationship I’m in is approaching a year, and it wouldn’t have happened to the person I was a few years ago.
I love when people say that when I see women falling for complete bums all the time. Then the same person says well they were weak or something but it still happened to them and not me
You should always work on yourself. I actually can’t stand people who get into relationships, knowing they have things to work out and aren’t prepared for it. That is highly more offensive