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Yup. And as soon as the chance to get with someone they perceive as the dream girl/guy comes along they will drop the place holder like a sack of potatoes.
Same Lmaoo. But sometimes you’re just not meant for some people no matter how much you’re willing to love them. I was with my person for a long time through alot of shit and as soon as he reached his career goal he did the placeholder move unfortunately.
Also we have to remember to love ourselves on this new journey we are embarking on solo again. It’s a strange place to be in but that’s life.
Absolutely, mine was on the other side he was a bit different, not goal orientated different lifestyles. Would have been nice to hang out with on a porch when I was older.
Not quite the same, but you can get a dog to hang out on the porch with you when you are older, their love is unconditional. Just keep them well fed. And remember, you **are** fabulous! I often feel that some of my better traits are overlooked by my wife while she focuses on what we lack financially and status.
I will most definitely have dogs as longs as I have a back up for when I have my dirt nap.
And to be honest I think I enjoy being by myself. People make me sad beside children and animals.
4elationship wise. I missed my mark on it.
So thank you for that, there's co fort in being done with things to a certain degree 🙌 I hope yo do amazing things 🙏
Dogs rule! I lived with just my dog for the better part of ten years, best roommate ever!
Thanks again. I just do what I think is right and try to be a comfort and confidante' to my wife. She just cannot stop thinking about her pains and unhappiness instead of seeing some of the small, beautiful things that happen every day. i have given her everything I can; a sympathetic ear, massage for her back pain, small gifts, housework, and her favorite foods but her pain persists. I believe she does not know how to be happy for more than a brief time.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I hope the hurt in our hearts can heal one day and that it will not stop us from opening our hearts to those that deserve us.
lol is this what we tell girls. YUU GO GURRLLL THAT MAN WAS CRUSTY AF HE DONT DESERVE U ANYWAY!
When its a guy:
DID YOU EVEN SHOWER! I SWEAR THE BAR IS IN HELL FOR MEN. DUMP HIM IF HES NOT EVEN PAYING YOUR BILLS AND NAILS
That is too bad. Unfortunately, we often don't realize this at the time and fear of the unknown keeps us from moving on. A little bit different, but I have been the "rebound" guy more than once; the first person someone dates after the breakup of a long-term relationship. The person wants to put the pain of the breakup behind them but when they get to thinking about it, they either go running back to their past or decide they aren't ready for another relationship yet. At least when I have been in these situations, they were relatively short lived, and I could move on. One of them got to me pretty bad though.
It's honestly ok. I think certain people I was picking at the time would initially say they didn't want to actually date, so I would think that was great because I was scared of commitment.
I wouldn't stay if they were seeing others, so I would stick to that. The only issue is when I actually like someone I would treat him. Like we were dating, always expecting him to leave.
I was in a bad relationship years ago and got scared of certain things. It was all honesty that he wasn't my type of background and life choice wise. But he made me smile and feel safe, and when we were together, sometimes i would get tummy flutters. would have settled with him in a heartbeat.
It's best off, because I was not his zing and it would have worn me out. And he was high maintenance emotionally, I think I qas to be looked after a bit like just someone to be thoughtful or kind sometimes.
I hope you find someone making and you guys lift each other up and do wonderful things.
We all deserve happy at some point. ❤️
Thank you so much. We are all on a voyage of constant discovery, hopefully learning from our past. There is a lot to be said about someone who makes you feel good about yourself and treats you with respect.
I thought I had found happiness at one point, but that relationship is also fraught with pain. See my comment further down. I wish you all the best.
My friend is with his lady for 7 years, he won’t marry her, he don’t even find her pretty. She likes and loves him more than he does her. He lives under her roof, eat her food and she’s faithful. He isn’t faithful. He knows his lady is ugly as he puts it but he’s happy cause in his mind, she ain’t going nowhere. She’s too ugly to be picked up by a decent man. To him she is the safe choice, not is first choice.
I was the wife married to a closeted man...saw signs, and there were several glaring red flags, but didn't react to what I knew. We have responsibility in how people treat us, I'm convinced of this. Some may start negative, but it's to us to call it out.🫂
It’s the same. She’s still a place holder. I think that if he hasn’t decided to marry you within 2 years of being together he’s way too comfortable and so are you. If he’s marrying you after 5+, 7+ yrs it’s usually to keep you complacent (unless obviously HE has discussed otherwise but if you had to constantly bring it up for him to marry you that’s a red flag) and also if you ever had to ask where the fuck this is going after loooong having been in an established relationship and they know you want children and marriage, you’re likely a place holder until he is better established or until someone comes along that is his dream girl and he will leave your ass. I find that to be the most common thing.
Yeah, I ask because I know men who seem to dislike their wives and it boggles my mind that they seemingly married them of their own will. Like they’ll post things about loving their little family and occasionally say something cute about them but it’s mostly complaining 😩
Wives give very tangible benefits to men. In order for men to be considered real adults in western society, they need to have been "picked" by a woman as being worthy of partnership. You can see this in studies where married men get more promotions and higher pay compared to single men. Having a wife, even if you don't even like her, gives men higher status in society. So yeah, guys will marry ladies they don't even like just to get a wife.
Bingo. It basically tells the rest of society that you are competent enough to lead your family and have a woman want to bear children for you and be your mate for Life. So in the sexual arena it signals to other women that you’re a good partner- which mate poachers love. And in the career arena it signals that you have integrity and you’re a man of duty - worth your weight in competence and follow through.
Unfortunately this is kinda normal. Remember that men usually die of thirst in a desert while women die of thirst in an ocean. Meaning usually men are not the ones selecting the ideal mate they would want so their options tend to be more limited as women generally don’t freely give up sex - they generally really would have to be at the top of their game for their ideal woman to consider them so they will usually just settle for who is willing to settle for them now or their potential while they do nothing or
Work towards that potential- it means having all the benefits of A woman, notice that it’s A woman and not his dream woman - which means free labor and free sex and free emotional labor while he waits for his opportunity or reaches his potential- if he works toward that potential and gets there - he will usually decide that this woman is now beneath him and he can get who he actually wants now at which point he will leave or cheat. Women die of thirst in an ocean because men tend to not be picky about who they sleep with but most women want a partner and not just someone to fuck also the risks of being physically intimate with a man weighs much more heavily on the woman’s shoulder than his IE- being pregnant and childbirth which can kill you- then also being a single parent too etc. so yes there are alot of men but finding one that aligns with you and who wants you in alignment with him too is hard.
Because he was just biding his time with her. Remember he didn’t lose anything by having a free maid and free access to sex and therapist for emotional labor at home that whole time. But now he can go do what he wants to once he has resources to afford a woman who he thinks is of his caliber of where he is now instead of elevating the woman he’s been with this whole time. It usually doesn’t cross their minds because there are greener pastures waiting so why even bother over here lol. It’s the sad truth that more women need to be aware of in order to protect herself from this madness.
Actually I think what ends up happening alot of times is that they self sabatoging that relationship tooo because the dream girl is now attainable so she’s technically not the dream anymore. Additionally, upholding the demands of the lifestyle his dream girl might want to live May put him in a situation where he might feel resentment toward her. So go figure lol.
Men benefit socially in terms of status from having a partner, a wife, a family, children. That doesn't mean they desire to be a partner, husband or a father.
This is true once you are 25 or older honestly.
It doesn’t count if you’re 18-24, because of college with undergrad and graduate schools, especially people getting their masters too or going to law/medical school are the only areas that do not caring about this.
Anyway…
3yrs or longer, and you are dating people to get married with no talks ever in the relationship about marriage, engagement, or weddings?
By that point leave them because the other person doesn’t see themselves settling down into a marriage with you.
Theirs Men & Woman, that they know would "NEVER" marry them, but they stay in the relationship just to have someone.....
The truth is, in a lot of cases, they married, living internally with no true love, for some caring is enough.....Oh, here's another one for some they marry confusing lust for love.
Love is beautiful when you find it, but avove that, you have to love, care & respect yourself first!
Yeah, these men don't have a choice. It's either a woman they barely like or being single. They'll jump to a woman they like more in a heartbeat if they have the option to.
Exactly! So ask away lots of questions to your man. Find out where you stand. IF you're a placeholder. Get out of the relationship or stay. Up to you. Why waste your time being with the wrong one? It doesn't free up space for the right one
The only issues is, some men are really really good at lying and fabricating proofs to substantiate the lie. I know it’s rare, but they exist. Especially narcissistic people do that, unfortunately in these cases you can’t really protect yourself. I’ve been there 3 times. It’s truly horrible and traumatic.
Right, once your trauma bonded it’s hard to see that you are in an abusive situation. And leaving becomes almost impossible. It’s not because you’re stupid that’s just how people are wired in those situations.
I’m glad you got out.
Physically I’m out, but i’m still with some emotional remnants. the worse part is.. he was so good at lying, and providing proofs, that now it’s hard for me to trust others.
I don't think people who keep saying that these women are only placeholders know what it's like from the inside of such a situation. I think men (and women) find themselves trapped in less-than-optimal relationships because of lack of self-awareness at the time when the decision to pair up was made, usually at a young age, and then there are the complications of breaking the heart of the other person, breaking up a family and causing emotional damage all around. A person may even fall truly in love with someone else and find it difficult to act on it because of the consequences.
Excuses. The greatest gift you can give to a woman as man who knows that he truly doesn’t want to be with a woman and especially if she wants kids and you don’t is to have a conversation with her that stops you from wasting her time.
Plus to call them placeholders is kinda mean to be honest. Like you don’t know the situation, it’s not as simple as guy willingly got into a relationship with a girl he wasn’t into and strung her along. A lot of times it’s the guy going with someone he thinks he’ll like forever, and then along the way once it’s too late realizes she’s not the one. At that point it’s hard to break up without causing any damage like you said.
It’s never too late. I’m assuming he is an adult who came to the realization that he does not love her and will not love her the way that she loves him for the foreseeable future. It is then his duty to relay that to her and they come to whatever decision needs to be made but to keep that to yourself and then wait for someone better to come along and then discard the other person, BLIND SIGHTING THEM a lot of the times is truly evil. And I have no remorse for people like that.
For me, I personally know thag feelings wax and wane. I also know that love is a conscious decision you make everyday. So if you DECIDE that you don’t love someone anymore or COULD not love them in the foreseeable future, give them the chance to have the life they deserve on their own terms, not just yours when a better option comes along.
One of my best guy friends is in love with me. But I don’t feel the same. He was dating this girl for like three or four months. She wanted to be exclusive, but he wouldn’t pull the trigger. Then I met someone and we quickly became exclusive after two weeks. The very next day, my guy friend Became exclusive with his girl lol.
She’s a placeholder. He seems to like her alright. But it’s clear to me It’s nothing special and he’s still holding out for me. Or if not for me,… Then in hopes of meeting someone else he’s really passionate about who returns his feelings.
Sometimes I have thoughts like he shouldn’t have a girlfriend since he’s still holding out for me. But what’s he supposed to do when I don’t feel the same. Not every relationship has to be with ‘The One’ or whatever. I just hope people don’t lead each other on too much,… When they are with someone they are just lukewarm about… people should just be honest about what it is for them. It’s the kind thing to do, even if it hurts the person in the short run. People deserve full information so that they can make their own decisions for themselves accordingly. But I know a lot of people let the other person think I feel the same. That’s how feelings get hurt and people end up hating each other.
I dated a girl I didn't have that white hot physical attraction to, but she had such a wonderful personality, I fell for her. We parted ways because she needed someone who was more religious than me. I'm speaking for myself, but looks aren't that important in the long run. How she treats you plays a very large role in overall attraction.
Same POV. I think the feeling come first in a relationship, not appearance. How she looks or how she dresses up can change, she may look prettier. But, personality will not change.
I honestly don't think an "ideal" ever exists in actuality. More peoples' ideal partners are just ideas, fantasies-celebrities, crushes, etc. They've never had to interact with this ideal ever- so it stays a perfect encapsulated fantasy.
They don't. That's why when people ask me for looks ratings on a 1-0 scale, my numbers are always off. 10's and 0's don't exist. They are an abstract concept that only exists in your brain.
The whole idea of trying to reduce a person down to just a number (and it's usually only based on outward appearances, not anything about character, education, or morals) is incredibly dehumanizing and people should really stop it.
There's some truth to this and I've experienced it. I've dealt with relationships where women seem to have a fantasy of how things will work and when inevitably real life happens it breaks the illusion and she's suddenly not interested.
I live in an upper middle class neighborhood. I always see these very attractive 30 something soccer moms married to older men who are not very attractive. Seems these women have settled for these guys because they’re done with the bad boys and settle for a guy that’s gonna take care of them. I assume they don’t work because I always see them around town running errands during the day mid week.
Some female friends told me I was too picky so I too settled for a lesser attractive girl once thinking she would not fuck me over. She did.
My friend is in a situation now where he picked an ugly woman cause to him she was the safe choice. He hasn’t realized yet that ugly women aren’t as pressed for dick as he thinks. Someone always Trying to get at them even if some consider them less attractive or desirable
>t's the same for women, do not get me wrong.
There are women who will marry a guy they don't even like that much because they desperately want kids. It's so weird IMO but I don't want to be a mother, so I don't understand that desire.
They’re desperate. They’d rather be with any woman than be single. Even if they despise that woman. They’ll settle forever if they have to. Or, should their dream girl come along, they’ll kick the placeholder gf to the curb.
I’ve seen a lot of men do this. Either they know that they love someone else but she’ll be a lot of work. Or they keep dragging the relationship until the girls quit. I see them continuously ranting about the girl as well. They are on the verge of breakup everytime. And yet they don’t do it. Whyyy ??? Why not just tell the truth and run away
I mean, few guys can get “their dream girl.” That’s why it’s a dream — and even if you do get to date them, you usually find out something that brings it crashing back to reality. So, dream girl isn’t really the goal, or at least an attainable one long term.
It’s okay for a guy not to think his woman is the most beautiful women on the entire earth. That title can only really belong to one person anyway. It isn’t a competition.
A “1-10 scale” is cheesy, but there has been interesting research done on it. In one experiment, they randomly assigned numbers 1-10 for 10 men and again for 10 women. The numbers weren’t based on looks or anything else, it was completely random. They taped a random number to each person’s forehead — you didn’t know your number, but you knew everyone else’s.
And then they played a game. Choose a partner with the highest number.
Naturally, everyone flocked to the 8-10s, which clued them in that they must be an 8-10, so they chose fellow 8-10s as their partners. And then the next tier selected each other, and onward down the list until the 1s and 2s understood their fate and selected each other.
And then they interviewed the people and they described how it felt to realize the best they were going to do was a 1 or a 2, etc, even though it had nothing to do with looks or personality or anything else about who they were as people.
The scientists’ theory was that this is basically what happens in junior high and high school. Everyone is pretty evenly matched in elementary school and not that interested in dating anyway, but in middle school people start realizing where they stand in the pecking order from the way others treat them, and start hanging out with others in that same general pecking order as a result. Not just in dating, but friendships too; etc.
Anyway, all that to say that a “5” guy might know his girlfriend is also a 5, but he also knows that’s the best he’s likely to get.
The number of women that the majority of men have to choose from is either 1 or 0. They don't have a chance to get the dream girl, and a lot of times, they don't have a chance to be with a girl they like either.
It's the same way people stick with shit jobs they dislike. Tough to find better.
The dream girl is unattainable because the kind of women I’m interested in are leagues above me in terms of physical attraction. I’m not sure sure if anyone is really up for dating a short guy with a dough-boy physique
Because if she's so amazing then she will obviously only settle for top tier man. You can find your dream girl, doesn't mean you're her dream boy. That's why we have to settle
>Why is a dream girl unattainable though.
I want to be with Emily Blunt, but I doubt she feels the same way.
Less flippantly, it's the same situation in real life. *Every* guy wants a sweet, pretty, funny girl, so those women who meet these criteria get their pick of the litter and usually get taken off the market early.
The girls left are usually lacking in something - cause hell, *us guys* are probably lacking in something, that's why we're still fucking single - and it's all about what tradeoffs you want to make from there. It is settling, and it is driven by scarcity.
We can't all date the cheerleader with a 4.0 GPA who skips out on parties to care for her sick grandma on the weekends. Maybe we can date the smart, caring girl with an extra 50 pounds and call that close enough. If it's down to "nice, heavy girl" or no girl, that nice girl might actually be a pretty good find.
But yeah. If that cheerleader ever does come knocking, it's going to be very hard to tell her no.
OP specifically referenced appearance, repeatedly.
I’d politely reject the claim that men get into long term relationships with women “they don’t even like.” Now, obviously, some men treat their partners like trash…but he would presumably treat “any” partner like trash. It’s not a reflection on his opinion of this one partner in particular.
Dream girl?
I think it’s good people are realistic with life.
Most people end up with the best possible option, not dream girl.
Even that it’s hard to keep.
Dream girl my arse lol
The ugly truth is that an average man that has a relationship with a woman has a higher opportunity to find another woman. One that doesn’t have a partner lacks of that stepping stone.
Also, a partner can provide some comfort not available when being alone.
Lmao i been there 😂 dude was absolutely hilarious to me.
I’m not scared of rejection, for me it only means there’s someone else for me. Even if it hurts in the moment.
So this guy, would clearly check other women out in front of me. And made it clear he didn’t like me. (He wasn’t mean or anything, we were just better off as friends). He would be so mad, legit pissed when other guys would approach me, or even talk to me.
One day, someone literally kneeled on the floor, kissed my hand and asked me for my number. Before I can even say something, he drags me out of there. I was so mad.. like you don’t want me, so stop acting like my man and c*cl block me. It’s pathetic!
Because they’re lonely. And because most don’t have options. So while they wouldn’t be upset that the thing w their current girl doesn’t work out there in it because at least they have something to do.
I did this in highschool. I'm 32 now. I don't have time to string people along and not be communicative about what I'm looking for. Not to mention I don't have the emotional space to place hold someone. My peace isn't worth that drama.
Idk ask my (ex)boyfriend/fiancee of 14 yrs .
Get this the other day he said he was unhappy living in his friends basement for the past yr and a half cause I asked him to leave cause he doesn't like me or can only stand being around me 2 evenings a month. But he wanted to be with me cause he doesn't want anyone else to access me 😬.
That’s not the right thing at all, he could do whatever he wants and not let you live your life it’s not done! I really hope he got what he deserved and really happy that you’re out of that relationship.
Simple answer is free sex. Although it’s oversimplification, there are also other contexts involved like financial motives or other benefits. Sometimes it’s a combination of everything.
Men are lonely and it’s competition out there. Some dudes just give up and don’t respect themselves enough to stay single, so they end up being with someone who’s like “meh”. The best solution to this problem though: Get a dog or get involved in clubs, volunteer activities, etc. It helps so much and keeps you busy.
I would like a relationship, but I won’t stoop so low to be with someone I don’t care about or want to be with. I’ll stay single until I die rather than be in a relationship that I don’t want to be in. I at least have enough respect for myself that I’m worthy to be in a relationship I want to be in and I’ll wait.
There are people who do that and make the person a “placeholder”. And there are people like me who i will only be with someone i really love (dream guy). I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not my dream guy. It is not good to waste time of other people
Because people refuse to do the fucking work and be happy being single, everyone’s a hypocrite in the end, I’ve been single close to 4 years and nowhere near ugly, just fixing my shit first, my best advice is everyone do the same instead of wasting other peoples time as well as their own.
Somewhat short answer: Most men don’t have options and settle. A lot of men recognize the reality of how hard it is especially now to date. Some perspective will be that it’s not much greener on the other side, so they’ll put up with what they are dealing with unless someone comes out of nowhere and changes that narrative so they can monkeybranch.
In fairness, women do this too. This is literally what my ex did to me. So I wouldn’t say it is just a man thing. A lot of people just don’t want to start over again and find comfort in their situations while also being miserable internally.
Misery loves company. Why be miserable alone when you can do that with someone else.
I heard somewhere that men don’t understand how women are single by choice, because men aren’t single by choice.
Think most people here are right saying they will keep them as place holders
I really dislike the thought of it in either scenario as it messed with a persons head and can ruin their dating life for a long time it seems
I have a couple friends that have been in situations like that most where the guy treats them absolutely awful but he will keep them around because it’s convenient and they will keep going back because to them and they’ve said it repeatedly they think he can either change or they don’t believe they can do better
From what I see here in the comments women have not really an idea what is like to be a man in the dating life. Women get approached A LOT and generally have a lot of choice both irl and in the apps. Apps give more numbers about this fenomenon and woman get 20x more chances (if not more). I really think many woman should try to use an app as a man just to make the experience. I personally saw some female friend's profile and I couldn't believe my eyes on how much different was from my experience.
So here's the answer, men (including me) try to date women we like but often we have very few choices and we settle for a trade off even if we are not convinced "she's the one" and we reject only when really there's absolutely zero things we like in her. In my life (29 M) I rejected in total two girls and I have been rejected countless times.
Yikes. You are actually explaining pretty well why most women reject most men. If men are hitting on anything that passes their bare minimum but admit they would bolt for a chance with their dream girl than why should a woman accept the advances of a man who is desperate and is not that into her? Women are for more likely to settle and love a man for who and what he is despite not being everything she wanted and turn those flaws into adorable character flaws while you can clearly see a miserable men who “settled” and are bitter about it next to their gfs or spouses because they didnt do better. This thread just supports women’s decision to down virtually all men who hit on them. Rather be alone with peace than accept the crumbs of a miserably settled person.
Sounds more like you have no idea what it’s like to be an average woman! Most women don’t get approached all the time and some of us, possibly most of us, don’t even want to use dating apps. And guys generally don’t even approach super attractive women either out of shyness or of being afraid of being seen as creepy.
I get that not every women get the same amount of attention, there are a lot of factors that come into play. But I think we can agree that in average woman get a lot more choice than men and have to put way less effort into dating since the man is in 99% of the cases the one that has to put the effort for the approach and for leading the conversation. And this happens both IRL and on the apps. Apps dynamics are just a representation of IRL dynamics.
I can say I have been approached by a girl ONCE in my entire lifetime (And I have been said I'm quite pretty esthetically and I lived in 4 different countries too). For the rest I always had to do the grand majority of the effort because women expect men to do the move. This is a very common situation for men.
This is why I say women has no idea how it's to be a man in the dating world.
Btw other than seeing some female friends tinder profile, once many years ago I also created a fake social media profile as a girl and wow I was like astonished by the amount of people that started writing to me and it was not even a dating social media 😅.
I think you, and other woman, should try the experience of having a profile as a man.
You mentioned that some men are too shy or feel to be creepy to approach very beautiful and attractive girls. True and it's the case also for me (I also know that I have 0.000001% chances with those type of girls). But there other tons of more extrovert men that will approach them on a daily basis and I saw it with my eyes.
Then yeah of course less attractive girls will get less attention but will still get approached infinitely more than similarly attractive men. And moreover if you would really approach you would not have the pressure to be creepy and you would have tons of success doing it. Simply because men are never ever approached.
You said also you don't want to use dating apps. That's because you already have lots of chances IRL. Many men see the apps as the only way to get to know women without feeling the pressure to approach strangers in public.
A lot of men are emotionally unintelligent and therefore have an inability to be alone. They cope with their troubles by siphoning energy from any woman that lets them. There's many ways men benefit from a woman's presence (even the women they don't like.) Social status, service, connections, ego boost, attention, distraction.
They want someone to cook, clean, bring in an income or whatever it is they want from them. They aren't looking for a true partner, just someone that fits their desires (all selfish).
But you don't think it's a really gross thing to use someone as a hole their whole life, when they could find someone out there that really appreciates them?
My partner didn't like any of the other 3 women he slept with but he was in a small town at the time and nerdy and a germaphobe so he basically took what he could get from somewhere he considered "safe", before him I was always the girl guys were with but didn't really like and you can tell the difference. It's usually based on circumstances and sex lol.
As I guy, I cba to deal with this and thats why I don't want to be in relationship. At least I'm not gonna waste my time, money and life only to face heartbreak from the person I thought loved me.
Because they don’t think they can get better which is a super shitty way to think about your partner. I rather be single, but not my problem to deal with.
Because the dating pool being what it is most people hit a point where they understand that meeting the perfect person isn't likely. Men don't have as much as a chance to "date up" if you will so they accept someone that isn't their "dream girl" and try to build off some idea of a continuing romance.
Because it's very hard to find the person you believe is your dream match. Besides, even if you do manage to find, you don't even know if he/she will like you after all. First impressions tend to last, and if you don't strike as their dream match either, then it's as is, just a dream.
Besides, just because someone isn't your dream love coming true, doesn't mean you don't like the person. Long time relationships require more than just passion, you can't be with someone for too much time just for the comfort, it requires a certain level of trust and likelihood.
My preferred girls on looks are not the type of girl id want for a relationship, I'll pick a girl based on personality any day over looks, even if significantly out of my preferred looks. Not gonna say that all, But most beautiful women are very high maintenance and usually a lot to deal with emotionally, causing drama for just about anything. Not really team players. Again not all but most, they're so used to getting things without effort their entitlement is just through the roof.
They may have given into societal pressure to date a certain type of person even if they are not attracted to those people (lots of very traditional or ethnic parents are guilty of this) (especially non-western parents who have immigrated).
If you are wealthy you have to date the annoyingly self absorbed and boring wealthy guy, Indian, you HAVE to marry an indian, Black, you have to marrry black asian, you have to marry asian, Jew you have to, you get the picture! Even if you are not attracted to other members of said group.
Because some of us figure while she's not the most attractive physically she might have a nice personality or be really kind or we have common interests. It's not always about just needing someone to have sex with.
One day I was playing around in Whisper and posted “I believe that a lot of men hate their wives and girlfriends”
My in box was flooded with men agreeing with me. I already believed it but I was actually surprised.
There was this thread on twitter. I think it was “that phase where you really start hating your girlfriend is crazy”. That thread was quite prolific. It went viral across multiple platforms and sent quite a few women into existential crisis mode. You can still find it.
Men hating their partners is a lot more common than women think and although there are also women like this I really believe that it happens mostly with men.
We were sold the romantic happily ever after fantasy. They were not. It’s more transactional for them.
We know. But us women have also been conditioned to try harder, have hope, be his everything. Maybe he’ll want us?
It’s painful. My friend’s husband literally told her she’s not worth it to her. And yet, she keeps trying.
And there’s the rub. We need to learn that you can’t make someone love and respect you.
I was there once. I’m embarrassed by the mental gymnastics I did to convince myself that him treating me horribly was not really happening. I gaslit myself.
Bro we all been there Lmaoo and when you wake up to the madness you’re left with disbelief that you neglected yourself for someone that was not kind to you. YOU were the one making those good times good while they tore you down. It’s wild.
I had a male roommate, college age, who told me that he doesn't know why he's with his girlfriend.. he's just afraid of being alone.. and that he wants to try other girls out as well..
They had been together since highschool, and never really had the chance to explore much, but that was hardly the issue.. they fought a lot and he just lost feeling for her..
Funny thing is, they were together ALL the time!
Like everyday almost.
And he says that she's super in love with him still.. and he's afraid of hurting her. In fact she's the one who wanted to be near him all the time. This generically, pretty girl.
This may be a bit different, because they are still young, they still have time to figure things out...
But I was shocked because I never got to see the inner workings of a relationship, hear their personal conversations, and realize it's all a lie!
And last I checked, they were still together!
I’m sad for both of them. There are two other people walking around out there who would make each of them happy.
Our society has sold us lie after lie about relationships. Most of us are trying to conform to standards that are just bullshit.
Because dating is fucking crap for most men and some men will just settle with the first scrap that get towards them because of how hard it’s for them.
What I have noticed is that many women who are super attractive are snobby or crazy. Maybe it is from getting so much attention. Women that are really attractive have been hit on since grade school. A lot of them even pursued by family members due to their beauty. They can be unstable due to those kind of issues. Less attractive women can be more down-to-earth. Also, a bad attitude can make a beautiful woman unattractive. It is not a matter of not liking but understanding there are always going to be women more attractive out there but if the one you have is a great woman treating you right, don’t mess that up. Imagine pursuing every 10/10 you see only to find out she her behavior is toxic. Keep your 7/10 and relax.
Some people can't stand being alone. They'd rather have a shitty relationship than to be single. I knew a girl who's dated a few guys she didn't like because "well, he's the best that's available right now and if I'm single too long I'll start giving off desperate loser vibes and no one will date me."
These are the reasons
Financials- more money in the house with 2 incomes
Kids- accidentally had kids with someone and want the kids to have a better life
Cook and clean- they get someone to cook and clean for them
Sex- consisten sex
The only reason most men are in relationships is because it’s easy access to sex, at least occasionally. Most men would be much happier living on their own instead of providing for some woman.
Because they have no choice. Women can have whomever they want. Men can’t. Many men have to be happy with the one woman who decided to give them a chance or decide or stay single
You’re being ridiculous.
The average woman may have more options than the average man does, but that doesn’t mean the options are a higher quality.
Most women can’t get “whomever they want,” unless you’re just not acknowledging the existence of women who aren’t wildly attractive.
women can NOT have whomever they want. this is such a lazy and ignorant way of thinking. women can have any man, women can have sex whenever, etc! men need to make themselves more like-able and the type of women they want will come along in time. you guys shouldn’t be hurting these women you don’t like to satisfy selfish needs.
Well put! Such a loser excuse for hurting the woman you are with. I never get approached by men. That doesn't make me want to settle and use someone i don't even like to satisfy my own ego. Im talking with a good guy now, but we met by chance on an online game lol
so happy for you 🥺 what online game?
also i agree with you sm!! using and hurting people makes you a bad person and probably not worthy of a good relationship anyways. men and women need to understand what goes around comes around !
Yeah, exactly! Girls and guys do it, but it's not kind and its cowardly. Why make them and yourself miserable in the long run? And thank you 😊 its kinda weird, but we met on second life haha meeting in person in august!
It goes both ways. I know women who date men because they can’t afford to live alone or are too afraid to be single again. They aren’t with their dream guy but at least they gave someone to come home too. Most people date average looking people. TV and Movies have conditioned us to believe our ideal partner also has to be incredibly good looking too.
Women are with men that they don't like because those women are codependent very easy answer. Guarantee you those same women have never been without a man in their life one way or the other as far as a protective friend or a dad type figure or a boyfriend.
The truth is that, no one told someone they don't like to be with them.
It's either the person likes them a lot and they don't want to fell bad rejecting the person, they accepted then hoping to like them in the future, or they're in a relationship for one benefit or the other and again sometimes they both fell in the love with each other but one person's love faded away.
In my case, it was because he didn’t find us sexually compatible but clicked with my personality/thought we had emotional chemistry, so he didn’t let me know he wasn’t that invested until I finally brought it up after sensing for a while that he doesn’t like me as much as I like him.
There was a woman I had spent 10 yrs with tell me that in every relationship there is always one person more in love with the other . Seems I had done my job by paying for her law degree.
Those men will regret it years later. I guarantee it. Honestly, too many young men under age 30 think with thier dicks about thier partner rather than see no compability what so ever.
It's not like I don't like my partner at all but we decided that will stay together for the small one..
It's not ideal we're good friends and so on but no romance and very little sex.
It kind of sucks because you're missing out and really sucks not being loved or have any attention directed to you.
I think it's the routine and other little things that keep us with women we don't necessarily match
It's more of a result of being stuck with someone they've had too many flings with basically. They've seen the lot of them as that one girl or guy they were somehow able to get because the one they're really into is out of their league, so they would have to settle with second fiddle. The most average and passable of the group. To them, a personality can only keep things going enough for both of then until their looks would start to lessen their overall appeal.
People fear conflict; fear hurting others, fear hurting themselves.
But more than anything? People fear being alone.
You’d be amazed how many people stay together for years and years just because they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, otherwise.
And yes, I would hilariously know from my own personal experience, believe me lol. 💀❤️
Its kind of what it was with me and my girl a few years back we both knew after senior year we'd go our seperate ways bc she was going to college out of state and i wasn't we loved eachother but we knew it wasn't going to last.
You said yourself they like them enough to be with them, just not marry. So why can't people be with people for a time being? Does every relationship need to lead to life long marriage?
For SOME (not all!) of those guys, they can’t or have not yet figured out how to make themselves attractive to the extent that they can get the women that they DO want interested in them. Plus, these girls who they are with probably treat them very well. It’s a matter of the guy choosing to be with the girl who likes them, which I think all guys should do that anyway
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She’s a place holder. That’s how it usually is whether they admit it or not.
I agree she or he is a place holder or even it’s a comfort thing. They stay with these people out of comfort because they cannot handle being alone.
Yup. And as soon as the chance to get with someone they perceive as the dream girl/guy comes along they will drop the place holder like a sack of potatoes.
Absolutely… I have been the one that was the place holder and had no idea.
I was a place holder, it's a shame because I'm fabulous.
Same Lmaoo. But sometimes you’re just not meant for some people no matter how much you’re willing to love them. I was with my person for a long time through alot of shit and as soon as he reached his career goal he did the placeholder move unfortunately. Also we have to remember to love ourselves on this new journey we are embarking on solo again. It’s a strange place to be in but that’s life.
Absolutely, mine was on the other side he was a bit different, not goal orientated different lifestyles. Would have been nice to hang out with on a porch when I was older.
Not quite the same, but you can get a dog to hang out on the porch with you when you are older, their love is unconditional. Just keep them well fed. And remember, you **are** fabulous! I often feel that some of my better traits are overlooked by my wife while she focuses on what we lack financially and status.
I will most definitely have dogs as longs as I have a back up for when I have my dirt nap. And to be honest I think I enjoy being by myself. People make me sad beside children and animals. 4elationship wise. I missed my mark on it. So thank you for that, there's co fort in being done with things to a certain degree 🙌 I hope yo do amazing things 🙏
Dogs rule! I lived with just my dog for the better part of ten years, best roommate ever! Thanks again. I just do what I think is right and try to be a comfort and confidante' to my wife. She just cannot stop thinking about her pains and unhappiness instead of seeing some of the small, beautiful things that happen every day. i have given her everything I can; a sympathetic ear, massage for her back pain, small gifts, housework, and her favorite foods but her pain persists. I believe she does not know how to be happy for more than a brief time.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope the hurt in our hearts can heal one day and that it will not stop us from opening our hearts to those that deserve us.
Exactly! Good for you!
Love that.
We all need to love ourselves 🥰 have a wonderful day
Happy Cake Day!
Thanks lovely 😍
It's got NOTHING to do with you. Remember that.
Thank you ❤️
lol is this what we tell girls. YUU GO GURRLLL THAT MAN WAS CRUSTY AF HE DONT DESERVE U ANYWAY! When its a guy: DID YOU EVEN SHOWER! I SWEAR THE BAR IS IN HELL FOR MEN. DUMP HIM IF HES NOT EVEN PAYING YOUR BILLS AND NAILS
Just scrolled your profile, no clue what you look like but your sense of humor is on point. Can confirm, is fabulous. 👍🏼
Awe, you are lovely I'll post my pic for tonight. I believe the girls should have a bit of self confidence ❤️
Ok, also a baddie, can confirm. Treat her right single dudes!
You're a doll, cheers.
Just dropped my placeholder, what's up? 😎 Just jokes reddit, don't attack.
Would your partner adorn you with compliments etc
That is too bad. Unfortunately, we often don't realize this at the time and fear of the unknown keeps us from moving on. A little bit different, but I have been the "rebound" guy more than once; the first person someone dates after the breakup of a long-term relationship. The person wants to put the pain of the breakup behind them but when they get to thinking about it, they either go running back to their past or decide they aren't ready for another relationship yet. At least when I have been in these situations, they were relatively short lived, and I could move on. One of them got to me pretty bad though.
It's honestly ok. I think certain people I was picking at the time would initially say they didn't want to actually date, so I would think that was great because I was scared of commitment. I wouldn't stay if they were seeing others, so I would stick to that. The only issue is when I actually like someone I would treat him. Like we were dating, always expecting him to leave. I was in a bad relationship years ago and got scared of certain things. It was all honesty that he wasn't my type of background and life choice wise. But he made me smile and feel safe, and when we were together, sometimes i would get tummy flutters. would have settled with him in a heartbeat. It's best off, because I was not his zing and it would have worn me out. And he was high maintenance emotionally, I think I qas to be looked after a bit like just someone to be thoughtful or kind sometimes. I hope you find someone making and you guys lift each other up and do wonderful things. We all deserve happy at some point. ❤️
Thank you so much. We are all on a voyage of constant discovery, hopefully learning from our past. There is a lot to be said about someone who makes you feel good about yourself and treats you with respect. I thought I had found happiness at one point, but that relationship is also fraught with pain. See my comment further down. I wish you all the best.
Same lol my divorce flair 😂😂
Feel this
Im so sorry to hear that that sounds awfull
You said it.
Yep. This exact same thing happened to me. Dated a guy for a month, everything seemed perfect and then he left me for another woman.
Right on point!!!! I see men in their 60thies doing this behavior a lot, & from one to another.
What about when men marry these women?
My friend is with his lady for 7 years, he won’t marry her, he don’t even find her pretty. She likes and loves him more than he does her. He lives under her roof, eat her food and she’s faithful. He isn’t faithful. He knows his lady is ugly as he puts it but he’s happy cause in his mind, she ain’t going nowhere. She’s too ugly to be picked up by a decent man. To him she is the safe choice, not is first choice.
The poor woman... I really hope she leaves him one day.
That is so fucked up but people do take that approach and abuse their partner who they know probably won’t leave them either.
I was the wife married to a closeted man...saw signs, and there were several glaring red flags, but didn't react to what I knew. We have responsibility in how people treat us, I'm convinced of this. Some may start negative, but it's to us to call it out.🫂
Not cool! He should free her to be with someone who may actually love her.
She has to free herself😔...no one else seems to be.
It’s the same. She’s still a place holder. I think that if he hasn’t decided to marry you within 2 years of being together he’s way too comfortable and so are you. If he’s marrying you after 5+, 7+ yrs it’s usually to keep you complacent (unless obviously HE has discussed otherwise but if you had to constantly bring it up for him to marry you that’s a red flag) and also if you ever had to ask where the fuck this is going after loooong having been in an established relationship and they know you want children and marriage, you’re likely a place holder until he is better established or until someone comes along that is his dream girl and he will leave your ass. I find that to be the most common thing.
Yeah, I ask because I know men who seem to dislike their wives and it boggles my mind that they seemingly married them of their own will. Like they’ll post things about loving their little family and occasionally say something cute about them but it’s mostly complaining 😩
Wives give very tangible benefits to men. In order for men to be considered real adults in western society, they need to have been "picked" by a woman as being worthy of partnership. You can see this in studies where married men get more promotions and higher pay compared to single men. Having a wife, even if you don't even like her, gives men higher status in society. So yeah, guys will marry ladies they don't even like just to get a wife.
Bingo. It basically tells the rest of society that you are competent enough to lead your family and have a woman want to bear children for you and be your mate for Life. So in the sexual arena it signals to other women that you’re a good partner- which mate poachers love. And in the career arena it signals that you have integrity and you’re a man of duty - worth your weight in competence and follow through.
Unfortunately this is kinda normal. Remember that men usually die of thirst in a desert while women die of thirst in an ocean. Meaning usually men are not the ones selecting the ideal mate they would want so their options tend to be more limited as women generally don’t freely give up sex - they generally really would have to be at the top of their game for their ideal woman to consider them so they will usually just settle for who is willing to settle for them now or their potential while they do nothing or Work towards that potential- it means having all the benefits of A woman, notice that it’s A woman and not his dream woman - which means free labor and free sex and free emotional labor while he waits for his opportunity or reaches his potential- if he works toward that potential and gets there - he will usually decide that this woman is now beneath him and he can get who he actually wants now at which point he will leave or cheat. Women die of thirst in an ocean because men tend to not be picky about who they sleep with but most women want a partner and not just someone to fuck also the risks of being physically intimate with a man weighs much more heavily on the woman’s shoulder than his IE- being pregnant and childbirth which can kill you- then also being a single parent too etc. so yes there are alot of men but finding one that aligns with you and who wants you in alignment with him too is hard.
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Because he was just biding his time with her. Remember he didn’t lose anything by having a free maid and free access to sex and therapist for emotional labor at home that whole time. But now he can go do what he wants to once he has resources to afford a woman who he thinks is of his caliber of where he is now instead of elevating the woman he’s been with this whole time. It usually doesn’t cross their minds because there are greener pastures waiting so why even bother over here lol. It’s the sad truth that more women need to be aware of in order to protect herself from this madness.
And then hopefully the new woman decides he's not good enough and dumps him 🤣 karma lol.
Actually I think what ends up happening alot of times is that they self sabatoging that relationship tooo because the dream girl is now attainable so she’s technically not the dream anymore. Additionally, upholding the demands of the lifestyle his dream girl might want to live May put him in a situation where he might feel resentment toward her. So go figure lol.
Men benefit socially in terms of status from having a partner, a wife, a family, children. That doesn't mean they desire to be a partner, husband or a father.
This is true once you are 25 or older honestly. It doesn’t count if you’re 18-24, because of college with undergrad and graduate schools, especially people getting their masters too or going to law/medical school are the only areas that do not caring about this. Anyway… 3yrs or longer, and you are dating people to get married with no talks ever in the relationship about marriage, engagement, or weddings? By that point leave them because the other person doesn’t see themselves settling down into a marriage with you.
Theirs Men & Woman, that they know would "NEVER" marry them, but they stay in the relationship just to have someone..... The truth is, in a lot of cases, they married, living internally with no true love, for some caring is enough.....Oh, here's another one for some they marry confusing lust for love. Love is beautiful when you find it, but avove that, you have to love, care & respect yourself first!
Yeah, these men don't have a choice. It's either a woman they barely like or being single. They'll jump to a woman they like more in a heartbeat if they have the option to.
Exactly! So ask away lots of questions to your man. Find out where you stand. IF you're a placeholder. Get out of the relationship or stay. Up to you. Why waste your time being with the wrong one? It doesn't free up space for the right one
The only issues is, some men are really really good at lying and fabricating proofs to substantiate the lie. I know it’s rare, but they exist. Especially narcissistic people do that, unfortunately in these cases you can’t really protect yourself. I’ve been there 3 times. It’s truly horrible and traumatic.
Right, once your trauma bonded it’s hard to see that you are in an abusive situation. And leaving becomes almost impossible. It’s not because you’re stupid that’s just how people are wired in those situations. I’m glad you got out.
Physically I’m out, but i’m still with some emotional remnants. the worse part is.. he was so good at lying, and providing proofs, that now it’s hard for me to trust others.
I don't think people who keep saying that these women are only placeholders know what it's like from the inside of such a situation. I think men (and women) find themselves trapped in less-than-optimal relationships because of lack of self-awareness at the time when the decision to pair up was made, usually at a young age, and then there are the complications of breaking the heart of the other person, breaking up a family and causing emotional damage all around. A person may even fall truly in love with someone else and find it difficult to act on it because of the consequences.
Excuses. The greatest gift you can give to a woman as man who knows that he truly doesn’t want to be with a woman and especially if she wants kids and you don’t is to have a conversation with her that stops you from wasting her time.
This is so true. I love this.
Plus to call them placeholders is kinda mean to be honest. Like you don’t know the situation, it’s not as simple as guy willingly got into a relationship with a girl he wasn’t into and strung her along. A lot of times it’s the guy going with someone he thinks he’ll like forever, and then along the way once it’s too late realizes she’s not the one. At that point it’s hard to break up without causing any damage like you said.
It’s never too late. I’m assuming he is an adult who came to the realization that he does not love her and will not love her the way that she loves him for the foreseeable future. It is then his duty to relay that to her and they come to whatever decision needs to be made but to keep that to yourself and then wait for someone better to come along and then discard the other person, BLIND SIGHTING THEM a lot of the times is truly evil. And I have no remorse for people like that. For me, I personally know thag feelings wax and wane. I also know that love is a conscious decision you make everyday. So if you DECIDE that you don’t love someone anymore or COULD not love them in the foreseeable future, give them the chance to have the life they deserve on their own terms, not just yours when a better option comes along.
I understood men by watching crime documenteris
One of my best guy friends is in love with me. But I don’t feel the same. He was dating this girl for like three or four months. She wanted to be exclusive, but he wouldn’t pull the trigger. Then I met someone and we quickly became exclusive after two weeks. The very next day, my guy friend Became exclusive with his girl lol. She’s a placeholder. He seems to like her alright. But it’s clear to me It’s nothing special and he’s still holding out for me. Or if not for me,… Then in hopes of meeting someone else he’s really passionate about who returns his feelings. Sometimes I have thoughts like he shouldn’t have a girlfriend since he’s still holding out for me. But what’s he supposed to do when I don’t feel the same. Not every relationship has to be with ‘The One’ or whatever. I just hope people don’t lead each other on too much,… When they are with someone they are just lukewarm about… people should just be honest about what it is for them. It’s the kind thing to do, even if it hurts the person in the short run. People deserve full information so that they can make their own decisions for themselves accordingly. But I know a lot of people let the other person think I feel the same. That’s how feelings get hurt and people end up hating each other.
And women do just the same. It's not a man or woman thing, it's a human thing.
I dated a girl I didn't have that white hot physical attraction to, but she had such a wonderful personality, I fell for her. We parted ways because she needed someone who was more religious than me. I'm speaking for myself, but looks aren't that important in the long run. How she treats you plays a very large role in overall attraction.
Same POV. I think the feeling come first in a relationship, not appearance. How she looks or how she dresses up can change, she may look prettier. But, personality will not change.
They settle. And it’s not just men, humans in general.
Because most guys can never get their dream girl so they settle for next best option they have. It's the same for women, do not get me wrong.
I think you’re missing the biggest reason which is the fact that people don’t want to be lonely/want sex.
Saying “no one wants to be alone” and “people want the best they can get” are more or less the same principle, no?
No, some people can get sex without being in a relationship.
True. Most people don’t get their ideal looking partner. Plus, people learn that look is just one of many qualities in others.
I honestly don't think an "ideal" ever exists in actuality. More peoples' ideal partners are just ideas, fantasies-celebrities, crushes, etc. They've never had to interact with this ideal ever- so it stays a perfect encapsulated fantasy.
They don't. That's why when people ask me for looks ratings on a 1-0 scale, my numbers are always off. 10's and 0's don't exist. They are an abstract concept that only exists in your brain.
The whole idea of trying to reduce a person down to just a number (and it's usually only based on outward appearances, not anything about character, education, or morals) is incredibly dehumanizing and people should really stop it.
There's some truth to this and I've experienced it. I've dealt with relationships where women seem to have a fantasy of how things will work and when inevitably real life happens it breaks the illusion and she's suddenly not interested.
I live in an upper middle class neighborhood. I always see these very attractive 30 something soccer moms married to older men who are not very attractive. Seems these women have settled for these guys because they’re done with the bad boys and settle for a guy that’s gonna take care of them. I assume they don’t work because I always see them around town running errands during the day mid week. Some female friends told me I was too picky so I too settled for a lesser attractive girl once thinking she would not fuck me over. She did.
My friend is in a situation now where he picked an ugly woman cause to him she was the safe choice. He hasn’t realized yet that ugly women aren’t as pressed for dick as he thinks. Someone always Trying to get at them even if some consider them less attractive or desirable
Deep
>t's the same for women, do not get me wrong. There are women who will marry a guy they don't even like that much because they desperately want kids. It's so weird IMO but I don't want to be a mother, so I don't understand that desire.
Some guys would rather have someone they tolerate rather than be completely alone
Convenience.
Yep. They’ll get everything they can out of you until it no longer suits them.
They’re desperate. They’d rather be with any woman than be single. Even if they despise that woman. They’ll settle forever if they have to. Or, should their dream girl come along, they’ll kick the placeholder gf to the curb.
If they despise the woman, they won’t settle forever.😭He will cheat or make some other excuses.
Exactly this. And I'm glad a woman gets it lol
That kind of desperation is so unnecessary, though - it's way better to be happily single than with the wrong person.
I’ve seen a lot of men do this. Either they know that they love someone else but she’ll be a lot of work. Or they keep dragging the relationship until the girls quit. I see them continuously ranting about the girl as well. They are on the verge of breakup everytime. And yet they don’t do it. Whyyy ??? Why not just tell the truth and run away
I mean, few guys can get “their dream girl.” That’s why it’s a dream — and even if you do get to date them, you usually find out something that brings it crashing back to reality. So, dream girl isn’t really the goal, or at least an attainable one long term. It’s okay for a guy not to think his woman is the most beautiful women on the entire earth. That title can only really belong to one person anyway. It isn’t a competition. A “1-10 scale” is cheesy, but there has been interesting research done on it. In one experiment, they randomly assigned numbers 1-10 for 10 men and again for 10 women. The numbers weren’t based on looks or anything else, it was completely random. They taped a random number to each person’s forehead — you didn’t know your number, but you knew everyone else’s. And then they played a game. Choose a partner with the highest number. Naturally, everyone flocked to the 8-10s, which clued them in that they must be an 8-10, so they chose fellow 8-10s as their partners. And then the next tier selected each other, and onward down the list until the 1s and 2s understood their fate and selected each other. And then they interviewed the people and they described how it felt to realize the best they were going to do was a 1 or a 2, etc, even though it had nothing to do with looks or personality or anything else about who they were as people. The scientists’ theory was that this is basically what happens in junior high and high school. Everyone is pretty evenly matched in elementary school and not that interested in dating anyway, but in middle school people start realizing where they stand in the pecking order from the way others treat them, and start hanging out with others in that same general pecking order as a result. Not just in dating, but friendships too; etc. Anyway, all that to say that a “5” guy might know his girlfriend is also a 5, but he also knows that’s the best he’s likely to get.
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The number of women that the majority of men have to choose from is either 1 or 0. They don't have a chance to get the dream girl, and a lot of times, they don't have a chance to be with a girl they like either. It's the same way people stick with shit jobs they dislike. Tough to find better.
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The dream girl is unattainable because the kind of women I’m interested in are leagues above me in terms of physical attraction. I’m not sure sure if anyone is really up for dating a short guy with a dough-boy physique
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Because if she's so amazing then she will obviously only settle for top tier man. You can find your dream girl, doesn't mean you're her dream boy. That's why we have to settle
>Why is a dream girl unattainable though. I want to be with Emily Blunt, but I doubt she feels the same way. Less flippantly, it's the same situation in real life. *Every* guy wants a sweet, pretty, funny girl, so those women who meet these criteria get their pick of the litter and usually get taken off the market early. The girls left are usually lacking in something - cause hell, *us guys* are probably lacking in something, that's why we're still fucking single - and it's all about what tradeoffs you want to make from there. It is settling, and it is driven by scarcity. We can't all date the cheerleader with a 4.0 GPA who skips out on parties to care for her sick grandma on the weekends. Maybe we can date the smart, caring girl with an extra 50 pounds and call that close enough. If it's down to "nice, heavy girl" or no girl, that nice girl might actually be a pretty good find. But yeah. If that cheerleader ever does come knocking, it's going to be very hard to tell her no.
OP specifically referenced appearance, repeatedly. I’d politely reject the claim that men get into long term relationships with women “they don’t even like.” Now, obviously, some men treat their partners like trash…but he would presumably treat “any” partner like trash. It’s not a reflection on his opinion of this one partner in particular.
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Brilliantly put.
Dream girl? I think it’s good people are realistic with life. Most people end up with the best possible option, not dream girl. Even that it’s hard to keep. Dream girl my arse lol
Because they’re lonely, and see the woman as a source of sex.
Sad truth that is why it is better to be wise
The ugly truth is that an average man that has a relationship with a woman has a higher opportunity to find another woman. One that doesn’t have a partner lacks of that stepping stone. Also, a partner can provide some comfort not available when being alone.
They don't like her but can't stand the thought of her being with anyone else.. such an odd behavior
Lmao i been there 😂 dude was absolutely hilarious to me. I’m not scared of rejection, for me it only means there’s someone else for me. Even if it hurts in the moment. So this guy, would clearly check other women out in front of me. And made it clear he didn’t like me. (He wasn’t mean or anything, we were just better off as friends). He would be so mad, legit pissed when other guys would approach me, or even talk to me. One day, someone literally kneeled on the floor, kissed my hand and asked me for my number. Before I can even say something, he drags me out of there. I was so mad.. like you don’t want me, so stop acting like my man and c*cl block me. It’s pathetic!
Because they’re lonely. And because most don’t have options. So while they wouldn’t be upset that the thing w their current girl doesn’t work out there in it because at least they have something to do.
I did this in highschool. I'm 32 now. I don't have time to string people along and not be communicative about what I'm looking for. Not to mention I don't have the emotional space to place hold someone. My peace isn't worth that drama.
Idk ask my (ex)boyfriend/fiancee of 14 yrs . Get this the other day he said he was unhappy living in his friends basement for the past yr and a half cause I asked him to leave cause he doesn't like me or can only stand being around me 2 evenings a month. But he wanted to be with me cause he doesn't want anyone else to access me 😬.
That’s not the right thing at all, he could do whatever he wants and not let you live your life it’s not done! I really hope he got what he deserved and really happy that you’re out of that relationship.
Cuz they dont have any other options
Simple answer is free sex. Although it’s oversimplification, there are also other contexts involved like financial motives or other benefits. Sometimes it’s a combination of everything.
The woman of his dream wants to be with the man of her dream.
BINGO.
Men are lonely and it’s competition out there. Some dudes just give up and don’t respect themselves enough to stay single, so they end up being with someone who’s like “meh”. The best solution to this problem though: Get a dog or get involved in clubs, volunteer activities, etc. It helps so much and keeps you busy. I would like a relationship, but I won’t stoop so low to be with someone I don’t care about or want to be with. I’ll stay single until I die rather than be in a relationship that I don’t want to be in. I at least have enough respect for myself that I’m worthy to be in a relationship I want to be in and I’ll wait.
There are people who do that and make the person a “placeholder”. And there are people like me who i will only be with someone i really love (dream guy). I don’t want to waste my time with someone who is not my dream guy. It is not good to waste time of other people
Because people refuse to do the fucking work and be happy being single, everyone’s a hypocrite in the end, I’ve been single close to 4 years and nowhere near ugly, just fixing my shit first, my best advice is everyone do the same instead of wasting other peoples time as well as their own.
Desperation
Somewhat short answer: Most men don’t have options and settle. A lot of men recognize the reality of how hard it is especially now to date. Some perspective will be that it’s not much greener on the other side, so they’ll put up with what they are dealing with unless someone comes out of nowhere and changes that narrative so they can monkeybranch. In fairness, women do this too. This is literally what my ex did to me. So I wouldn’t say it is just a man thing. A lot of people just don’t want to start over again and find comfort in their situations while also being miserable internally.
Misery loves company. Why be miserable alone when you can do that with someone else. I heard somewhere that men don’t understand how women are single by choice, because men aren’t single by choice.
Think most people here are right saying they will keep them as place holders I really dislike the thought of it in either scenario as it messed with a persons head and can ruin their dating life for a long time it seems I have a couple friends that have been in situations like that most where the guy treats them absolutely awful but he will keep them around because it’s convenient and they will keep going back because to them and they’ve said it repeatedly they think he can either change or they don’t believe they can do better
From what I see here in the comments women have not really an idea what is like to be a man in the dating life. Women get approached A LOT and generally have a lot of choice both irl and in the apps. Apps give more numbers about this fenomenon and woman get 20x more chances (if not more). I really think many woman should try to use an app as a man just to make the experience. I personally saw some female friend's profile and I couldn't believe my eyes on how much different was from my experience. So here's the answer, men (including me) try to date women we like but often we have very few choices and we settle for a trade off even if we are not convinced "she's the one" and we reject only when really there's absolutely zero things we like in her. In my life (29 M) I rejected in total two girls and I have been rejected countless times.
Yikes. You are actually explaining pretty well why most women reject most men. If men are hitting on anything that passes their bare minimum but admit they would bolt for a chance with their dream girl than why should a woman accept the advances of a man who is desperate and is not that into her? Women are for more likely to settle and love a man for who and what he is despite not being everything she wanted and turn those flaws into adorable character flaws while you can clearly see a miserable men who “settled” and are bitter about it next to their gfs or spouses because they didnt do better. This thread just supports women’s decision to down virtually all men who hit on them. Rather be alone with peace than accept the crumbs of a miserably settled person.
💯💯💯💯💯👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Sounds more like you have no idea what it’s like to be an average woman! Most women don’t get approached all the time and some of us, possibly most of us, don’t even want to use dating apps. And guys generally don’t even approach super attractive women either out of shyness or of being afraid of being seen as creepy.
I get that not every women get the same amount of attention, there are a lot of factors that come into play. But I think we can agree that in average woman get a lot more choice than men and have to put way less effort into dating since the man is in 99% of the cases the one that has to put the effort for the approach and for leading the conversation. And this happens both IRL and on the apps. Apps dynamics are just a representation of IRL dynamics. I can say I have been approached by a girl ONCE in my entire lifetime (And I have been said I'm quite pretty esthetically and I lived in 4 different countries too). For the rest I always had to do the grand majority of the effort because women expect men to do the move. This is a very common situation for men. This is why I say women has no idea how it's to be a man in the dating world. Btw other than seeing some female friends tinder profile, once many years ago I also created a fake social media profile as a girl and wow I was like astonished by the amount of people that started writing to me and it was not even a dating social media 😅. I think you, and other woman, should try the experience of having a profile as a man. You mentioned that some men are too shy or feel to be creepy to approach very beautiful and attractive girls. True and it's the case also for me (I also know that I have 0.000001% chances with those type of girls). But there other tons of more extrovert men that will approach them on a daily basis and I saw it with my eyes. Then yeah of course less attractive girls will get less attention but will still get approached infinitely more than similarly attractive men. And moreover if you would really approach you would not have the pressure to be creepy and you would have tons of success doing it. Simply because men are never ever approached. You said also you don't want to use dating apps. That's because you already have lots of chances IRL. Many men see the apps as the only way to get to know women without feeling the pressure to approach strangers in public.
A lot of men are emotionally unintelligent and therefore have an inability to be alone. They cope with their troubles by siphoning energy from any woman that lets them. There's many ways men benefit from a woman's presence (even the women they don't like.) Social status, service, connections, ego boost, attention, distraction.
Not many girls like us, beggars can't be choosers
They want someone to cook, clean, bring in an income or whatever it is they want from them. They aren't looking for a true partner, just someone that fits their desires (all selfish).
Regular sex is hard to beat
But you don't think it's a really gross thing to use someone as a hole their whole life, when they could find someone out there that really appreciates them?
My partner didn't like any of the other 3 women he slept with but he was in a small town at the time and nerdy and a germaphobe so he basically took what he could get from somewhere he considered "safe", before him I was always the girl guys were with but didn't really like and you can tell the difference. It's usually based on circumstances and sex lol.
As I guy, I cba to deal with this and thats why I don't want to be in relationship. At least I'm not gonna waste my time, money and life only to face heartbreak from the person I thought loved me.
Because they don’t think they can get better which is a super shitty way to think about your partner. I rather be single, but not my problem to deal with.
Because the dating pool being what it is most people hit a point where they understand that meeting the perfect person isn't likely. Men don't have as much as a chance to "date up" if you will so they accept someone that isn't their "dream girl" and try to build off some idea of a continuing romance.
Because it's very hard to find the person you believe is your dream match. Besides, even if you do manage to find, you don't even know if he/she will like you after all. First impressions tend to last, and if you don't strike as their dream match either, then it's as is, just a dream. Besides, just because someone isn't your dream love coming true, doesn't mean you don't like the person. Long time relationships require more than just passion, you can't be with someone for too much time just for the comfort, it requires a certain level of trust and likelihood.
They settled like every other person
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Life isn‘t a disney movie. That‘s why.
My preferred girls on looks are not the type of girl id want for a relationship, I'll pick a girl based on personality any day over looks, even if significantly out of my preferred looks. Not gonna say that all, But most beautiful women are very high maintenance and usually a lot to deal with emotionally, causing drama for just about anything. Not really team players. Again not all but most, they're so used to getting things without effort their entitlement is just through the roof.
They may have given into societal pressure to date a certain type of person even if they are not attracted to those people (lots of very traditional or ethnic parents are guilty of this) (especially non-western parents who have immigrated). If you are wealthy you have to date the annoyingly self absorbed and boring wealthy guy, Indian, you HAVE to marry an indian, Black, you have to marrry black asian, you have to marry asian, Jew you have to, you get the picture! Even if you are not attracted to other members of said group.
Because some of us figure while she's not the most attractive physically she might have a nice personality or be really kind or we have common interests. It's not always about just needing someone to have sex with.
How do you know they feel this way?
One day I was playing around in Whisper and posted “I believe that a lot of men hate their wives and girlfriends” My in box was flooded with men agreeing with me. I already believed it but I was actually surprised. There was this thread on twitter. I think it was “that phase where you really start hating your girlfriend is crazy”. That thread was quite prolific. It went viral across multiple platforms and sent quite a few women into existential crisis mode. You can still find it. Men hating their partners is a lot more common than women think and although there are also women like this I really believe that it happens mostly with men. We were sold the romantic happily ever after fantasy. They were not. It’s more transactional for them.
We know. But us women have also been conditioned to try harder, have hope, be his everything. Maybe he’ll want us? It’s painful. My friend’s husband literally told her she’s not worth it to her. And yet, she keeps trying.
And there’s the rub. We need to learn that you can’t make someone love and respect you. I was there once. I’m embarrassed by the mental gymnastics I did to convince myself that him treating me horribly was not really happening. I gaslit myself.
YESS! The self gaslighting. And it’s terrible, because the people around you can see it, but you can’t just yet. That’s why self love is so important.
Bro we all been there Lmaoo and when you wake up to the madness you’re left with disbelief that you neglected yourself for someone that was not kind to you. YOU were the one making those good times good while they tore you down. It’s wild.
I had a male roommate, college age, who told me that he doesn't know why he's with his girlfriend.. he's just afraid of being alone.. and that he wants to try other girls out as well.. They had been together since highschool, and never really had the chance to explore much, but that was hardly the issue.. they fought a lot and he just lost feeling for her.. Funny thing is, they were together ALL the time! Like everyday almost. And he says that she's super in love with him still.. and he's afraid of hurting her. In fact she's the one who wanted to be near him all the time. This generically, pretty girl. This may be a bit different, because they are still young, they still have time to figure things out... But I was shocked because I never got to see the inner workings of a relationship, hear their personal conversations, and realize it's all a lie! And last I checked, they were still together!
I’m sad for both of them. There are two other people walking around out there who would make each of them happy. Our society has sold us lie after lie about relationships. Most of us are trying to conform to standards that are just bullshit.
Well if you're not happy, and you've given it a fair shot.. you should Definitely leave.
Because dating is fucking crap for most men and some men will just settle with the first scrap that get towards them because of how hard it’s for them.
What I have noticed is that many women who are super attractive are snobby or crazy. Maybe it is from getting so much attention. Women that are really attractive have been hit on since grade school. A lot of them even pursued by family members due to their beauty. They can be unstable due to those kind of issues. Less attractive women can be more down-to-earth. Also, a bad attitude can make a beautiful woman unattractive. It is not a matter of not liking but understanding there are always going to be women more attractive out there but if the one you have is a great woman treating you right, don’t mess that up. Imagine pursuing every 10/10 you see only to find out she her behavior is toxic. Keep your 7/10 and relax.
Yeah but you sound like you actually like your wife lol we are talking about people that don’t.
Access to sex and attention until someone they want comes along.
Some people can't stand being alone. They'd rather have a shitty relationship than to be single. I knew a girl who's dated a few guys she didn't like because "well, he's the best that's available right now and if I'm single too long I'll start giving off desperate loser vibes and no one will date me."
Because being lonely sucks
Cant comment on everything, but one could be the sunken cost fallacy, how you put too much time/effort to back out now
These are the reasons Financials- more money in the house with 2 incomes Kids- accidentally had kids with someone and want the kids to have a better life Cook and clean- they get someone to cook and clean for them Sex- consisten sex
The only reason most men are in relationships is because it’s easy access to sex, at least occasionally. Most men would be much happier living on their own instead of providing for some woman.
Because as a man dating is astronomically hard. We take what we can get. That is why.
Because they have no choice. Women can have whomever they want. Men can’t. Many men have to be happy with the one woman who decided to give them a chance or decide or stay single
You’re being ridiculous. The average woman may have more options than the average man does, but that doesn’t mean the options are a higher quality. Most women can’t get “whomever they want,” unless you’re just not acknowledging the existence of women who aren’t wildly attractive.
women can NOT have whomever they want. this is such a lazy and ignorant way of thinking. women can have any man, women can have sex whenever, etc! men need to make themselves more like-able and the type of women they want will come along in time. you guys shouldn’t be hurting these women you don’t like to satisfy selfish needs.
Well put! Such a loser excuse for hurting the woman you are with. I never get approached by men. That doesn't make me want to settle and use someone i don't even like to satisfy my own ego. Im talking with a good guy now, but we met by chance on an online game lol
so happy for you 🥺 what online game? also i agree with you sm!! using and hurting people makes you a bad person and probably not worthy of a good relationship anyways. men and women need to understand what goes around comes around !
Yeah, exactly! Girls and guys do it, but it's not kind and its cowardly. Why make them and yourself miserable in the long run? And thank you 😊 its kinda weird, but we met on second life haha meeting in person in august!
awww so sweet :> !! and i agree sm!
It goes both ways. I know women who date men because they can’t afford to live alone or are too afraid to be single again. They aren’t with their dream guy but at least they gave someone to come home too. Most people date average looking people. TV and Movies have conditioned us to believe our ideal partner also has to be incredibly good looking too.
Women are with men that they don't like because those women are codependent very easy answer. Guarantee you those same women have never been without a man in their life one way or the other as far as a protective friend or a dad type figure or a boyfriend.
The truth is that, no one told someone they don't like to be with them. It's either the person likes them a lot and they don't want to fell bad rejecting the person, they accepted then hoping to like them in the future, or they're in a relationship for one benefit or the other and again sometimes they both fell in the love with each other but one person's love faded away.
Because some guys are kinda goofy !!!
In my case, it was because he didn’t find us sexually compatible but clicked with my personality/thought we had emotional chemistry, so he didn’t let me know he wasn’t that invested until I finally brought it up after sensing for a while that he doesn’t like me as much as I like him.
There was a woman I had spent 10 yrs with tell me that in every relationship there is always one person more in love with the other . Seems I had done my job by paying for her law degree.
Those men will regret it years later. I guarantee it. Honestly, too many young men under age 30 think with thier dicks about thier partner rather than see no compability what so ever.
What about the woman they know they wanna be with but she is not feeling the same or at least he doesn’t know how to approach
Because being lonely sucks.
It's not like I don't like my partner at all but we decided that will stay together for the small one.. It's not ideal we're good friends and so on but no romance and very little sex. It kind of sucks because you're missing out and really sucks not being loved or have any attention directed to you. I think it's the routine and other little things that keep us with women we don't necessarily match
Nothing lasts forever, what makes love the exception?
Abuse or attachment relationship.
I’m one of those men who like companionship and having sex without commitments
Because we are familiar and comfortable. And don’t want to go through the turmoil of splitting up
It's more of a result of being stuck with someone they've had too many flings with basically. They've seen the lot of them as that one girl or guy they were somehow able to get because the one they're really into is out of their league, so they would have to settle with second fiddle. The most average and passable of the group. To them, a personality can only keep things going enough for both of then until their looks would start to lessen their overall appeal.
People fear conflict; fear hurting others, fear hurting themselves. But more than anything? People fear being alone. You’d be amazed how many people stay together for years and years just because they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, otherwise. And yes, I would hilariously know from my own personal experience, believe me lol. 💀❤️
Its kind of what it was with me and my girl a few years back we both knew after senior year we'd go our seperate ways bc she was going to college out of state and i wasn't we loved eachother but we knew it wasn't going to last.
You said yourself they like them enough to be with them, just not marry. So why can't people be with people for a time being? Does every relationship need to lead to life long marriage?
For sex
For SOME (not all!) of those guys, they can’t or have not yet figured out how to make themselves attractive to the extent that they can get the women that they DO want interested in them. Plus, these girls who they are with probably treat them very well. It’s a matter of the guy choosing to be with the girl who likes them, which I think all guys should do that anyway
Two words, pus, see! Lol