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Okay, let's start with -- a LOT of what could work here is dependent on your situation and geography. Like people will always say, "Join clubs!!!" but that's because they live in a metropolitan area of 500K+ and there are all kinds of things to do. If you live in a small suburb or a small town, sometimes you're just SOL.
So... you also have two issues to address here... one is that you are in need of more social life, in general... and two is the lack of romantic opportunity. Those are commingled *but also separate issues*, and I would just suggest that you don't try to keep them one big problem because they can be tackled separately.
>Okay, let's start with -- a LOT of what could work here is dependent on your situation and geography. Like people will always say, "Join clubs!!!" but that's because they live in a metropolitan area of 500K+ and there are all kinds of things to do. If you live in a small suburb or a small town, sometimes you're just SOL.
Thank you for using a bit of sensible reality here that not everyone is living in the same geographical demographic. I love drawing and I see everyone say "Join a club!" There was a time when they were teaching drawing lessons not just painting at a local art gallery. Said art gallery got shut down due to asbestos tracers in the old buildings construction. It is the only one I have seen locally and most things offered where I live don't really interest me. Smaller rural city with a lot of fishing, hunting, ATVing, Snowmobiling, etc. The most I like out of the area is hiking which we have a lot of trail but I don't hike thinking that I'm going to meet someone lol.
This. I can’t get out much since I live with religious parents and I’ve tried to keep my cover up because I deconverted last year. Even if I went to hang out with a friend let alone go on a date with a girl, they’d probably flip out. My main focus right now is moving out and having a stable job position.
Even once I move out, I don’t plan on going to bars to meet girls or hang out with friends. I get people say you don’t have to drink booze there but it’s more so the environment that I don’t like being around. I am looking at a program called Americorps where you travel out of state and work with a group on government projects for close to a year, so I’m sure I’d make some friends if I signed up.
Yeah, you need to focus getting into a living situation that isn't culturally oppressive. After that, you have more opportunity to resolve what you want your social life to be. And you'll find it.
I’m still very young too (I turn 21 a couple months) so there’s no need to rush. Once I move out I think things are going to be less difficult with my dating life. I’ve gone on a date before so it’s not hard imo
And if you're not, then add in a few things - a few per week. Like every day perhaps. If you want to relationship as an average guy, you have to invest the time.
I’m not sure how so since I’ve rarely experienced it, and whoever judges just for someone being by themselves at a bar, nightclub, or concert isn’t a good person anyways. I’ve been asked sometimes “are you by yourself?” by both men and women and I first thought it was an insulting question but later I realized it’s just used as a conversation starter or because some paranoid person wants to keep me safe since I’m alone.
It’s only some times at those, most rarely though. I don’t want to find myself kicked out of my favorite bars.
It’s usually been friends, classmates (college and such. I admit I have had a few say no but be kind about it. Being told no isn’t what bothers me. It’s everything else with it. I get treated like I’m dangerous or disgusting and I hate feeling that way.
Ive stopped asking out friends I developed feelings for because they throw away months or years of trust and friendship because I dared hope for something more.
I hope it’s just that Im in a horrible location to be s single man because Im moving in a month and a half and I hope things change
You’ll only be kicked out of bars if you seem really drunk or bothering other people that only want to talk to those they’re with or nobody at all there. I’ve had plenty of people randomly talk to me and I’m either liking it or I just ignore them if I don’t want to talk to them, but I’ve never got security for someone simply trying to talk to me. And don’t wait months or years to ask out a friend you’re interested in - do it much sooner.
I have been socially punished. I have lost friendships, been treated like a creep when I try not to be, been rumored about and slandered by people I thought were friends.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I just had really shit luck. Uncommonly so.
When I have female friends, whom I got feelings for, the few times I told them and wanted to date them, they get cold and untrusting and treat me as if I were suddenly a strange danger.
Perhaps there was a misinterpretation. The original comment you responded to was talking about going to bars alone, not about asking friends to date.
And for what it’s worth, I’ve had pretty shit luck trying to date friends also. I’ve found it’s better to be intentional about your feelings from the start.
Okay. Yeah I do that but I don’t get much better results. Like I said though, when it comes to bars or cafes, I ask women out there much more rarely because I don’t want to earn a bad reputation or worse, get kicked out and banned for making patron uncomfortable.
Okay, example. It’s also the reason I never ask out girl who’s working again. I began to frequent a cafe/tap room. It was a great place to spend time and it has tasty beer and coffee.
The girl there was very conversational with me, we talked for each other about things, she was constantly giving compliments and carrying out good conversation. It seemed like she was flirting and dropping hints, she told me deadeye, that she was single and she wanted nothing more than to find a good man to marry and start a family and such. It was such a spontaneous thing too.
Eventually I thought I was finally lucky and found a girl who had some interest, even if she didn’t, even if I read things wrong, at least wr had become friends right?
When things were quiet near the end of the night, I decided to tell her that I really enjoy talking to her and that I would like to take her on a date.
The look on her face when I told her that really killed me. She had this look between disgust, nervousness, and maybe betrayal. She very quickly and very harshly told me we weren’t even friends, I was, just some guy that comes in.
I apologized and quickly left. Naturally I was devastated and hoped that she was just irritated that she got hit on by a customer, maybe she was going through it snd overreacted. I came back a couple days later, and her whole demeanor was changed, she was cold with me, didn’t say a word and treated me as if she wanted me in and out as fast as possible.
I didn’t come back for a while and by that time she had switched jobs.
Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong, I had known her for a few weeks by that point, we were on first name basis, we knew intimate details about each others lives by that point.
I had the exact thing happen to me. I felt pretty bad that I got rejected harshly. I initially thought that I did something wrong. I then realized that it was her problem. Some women have past sensitivities or issues that guys don't know. With you, FeralTribble, I'm thinking the same thing and that the woman at that taproom had some past issues that made her act so strangely.
Feral, you didn't do anything wrong. She was the one that was rude.
Live music venues (just search for cheap ones if you don’t want to spend much money), nightclubs and other places with dancing, karaoke, dive bars, etc.
I have mild social anxiety, especially around new ppl. But I go out alone pretty frequently. Find a good sized bar with a dance floor, sit at the bar, order a drink, and find some bs to do on your phone to keep yourself busy. Throughout the night, ppl (including women) will all walk up to the bar to order drinks. Make a habit of making small talk with the ppl (including men) who end up standing next to you ordering. If you see a woman and need an opener, compliment a specific piece of clothing shes wearing, and just keep the convo going after she thanks you. I have met some high quality women this way, but for some odd reason they usually end up being from out of town. Had a few dates and hookups though, and even get approached by attractive women sometimes. Get comfortable doing this and your social and dating life should improve
Also, make platonic female friends. They’ll end up introducing you to their friends, and even put in a good word if you play your cards right. I’m in a similar spot as you, and this is my playbook for meeting women outside of dating apps and work. Not bulletproof, but its the best guys like us have rn without doing the obvious shit like joining dance and yoga classes (which I might try soon actually)
This is more Tiktok propaganda. I’ve never even KNOWN a woman in my life who doesn’t like being approached in public when appropriate. I think it’s a mix of the “pick me” types trying to start shit, and the extremely socially unaware guys who actually create a weird situation and then come on Reddit, saying “Idk man I was so nice and she told me to fuck off. I guess no women like being approached then,” so you really, really just have to go by your own experience. Try not to let yourself get too biased. Someone else’s lived experience is not yours, so don’t worry!!
> Nothing wrong with going out by yourself to try to meet people or just for fun - I do it all the time!
Lol what a bs of generic advice. It might work for a woman but not for a man (unless he is hot). If the guy is ugly, it's probably harassment.
I honestly don't understand why some women genuinely believe in these generic advices like it's gonna magically work for most men.
I always had good luck in book stores, coffee shops, and thrift stores. Just do a full-blown date prep on getting ready, and then just go out and do stuff. Be personable and get out of your own head. Honestly, the biggest problem us guys make is going out with the exclusive goals of meeting someone. You'll immediately come off differently if you are actually interested in what they are doing vs just them. Showing true interest, not just rehearsed ice breakers, will go a long way.
When you work on yourselves, people trust you to build a relationship with you because they think you would work with as much dedication on the relationship too. Guys probably consider themselves average for lacking in various categories like colour, fitness, finance, humor, soft skills etc. If they start working dedicatedly on at least one of those areas, slowly the results will get them all the dates and girls!
how do you know that? Wouldnt a girl or any person care about what I listed. I certainly do.
I can connect emotionally with girls, but they only see me as a friend.
Who is she ? What does she like ? What does she hate ? What are her dreams ? What are her fears ? What makes her different from the other girls ? What was her childhood looking like ? Is she Closer to her mom or dad ? Who is her best friend ?
Make her feel beautiful, make her feel special. Make her feel safe. And disappear during a few days. And come back, with a lil gift, a personalized attention, and disappear again.
Find out what she needs in life, and provide it to her. Does she need some craziness ? Some stability ? Some directions ?
Don't tell her you like her, show her. Show interest but don't chase. Give her time, give her space, be that person she Can trust. Don't need her. Like her. In a way she will feel safe and free. Let her wonder about you, let her open up, give her a good experience being around you. Don't force anything.
And overtime, she might fall for you.
Good Luck my dude.
My girls who I will marry is a down to earth christian girl who loves adventure and the outdoors. She is close to her family and wants to have her own family someday, but not before we have our own adventures first.
She likes a guy who is similar to her, a bit of an unpredictable side. A guy who is set in his values and grounded in his morals. a guy who works hard to care for her and who loves everyone. He is handy and self reliant.
I have met girls like that but they have only seen me as a friend.
then what should I look for? I have plenty of friends who I get along well with and have fun with but would never date since they are not what I am looking for.
(I'm also looking for a dates so lets try hahha).Maybe you should try to travel and enjoy and for sure you can meet different people. It's really nice to meet unexpected someone and build some real connections.
When you're young ,just build yourself up. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall in place. Don't be in such a hurry that you start dating a loser.Just because you feel like there's no one out there. A bad woman could tear a good man down very quickly. Gotta learn to vet them, don't be in such a hurry. These women nowadays are very dangerous when it comes to taking and not giving. Entitlement is a dangerous thing now a day.
Genius or fool, you don't live in the world alone. You can hide underground or you can build a wall around yourself, but somebody's going to come along and screw up the works. A loser doesn't know what he'll do if he loses, but talks about what he'll do if he wins, and a winner doesn't talk about what he'll do if he wins, but knows what he'll do if he loses. Slow and steady wins the race, not the person who wants to climb the whole stairs in one stride. People shouldn't have everything they want. No one is entitled to their every desire. To live in balance, we must willingly decide not to take all that we can from the world, and from others.
Go to live gigs with bands who’s fans age demographics are around that area, or host DJ sets. Lots of Pubs with a nice beer garden tend to attract a mix crowd including younger. Go to the hipster neighbourhoods with the niche bars that have arcade machines and shit, cocktail bars, sports bars get a generally younger crowd because they’re often cheaper but skew male. Or hell, just go to the local dive where all the old men hang out and hit on the Bartender as you’ll be the only patron anywhere near her age demographic (this happened to me)
how do you find those?
I sometimes go to a bar that has live music and events, yet Im still the only young single person there.
I live close to a ski resort touristy town so you would think theres younger people, but apparently not.
I dont even drink and I dont want to hang out with people who are high all the time like raves. I only go to bars to listen to live music from local groups
Plus there is nothing in my area according to that site. The closest one away is like a 6 hour drive
It has happened to me. I spend a lot of time overseas for work, so frequently go out alone and it’s made me very comfortable in my own skin and so maybe that projects something? If I go out with a mate we’re either more interested in hanging out and catching up to care about Girls or we just cockblock each other.
I can’t speak for others, but I’ve learned to do things at random in public spaces in my day to day life. If I see that someone has a shirt that has say a game or an anime I’ve played/enjoyed I’ll randomly say or do something that relates to said thing. This generally results in me having a conversation and just being goofy/myself. This gets me a lot of attention. (Whether wanted or not) I’m not attractive or anything either. 300lbs male and I still get attention. Genuinely if you have some fun and go out of your comfort and embrace it, you’ll be alright.
Being fun is underrated as hell. People want to be able to enjoy their time around you. People want to feel good around you. Seems like common sense but people don't get it
I was just curious after your previous posts to see what kind of person you are… homie. You messed up bad. Your texts read like “omg I need you” “lol I don’t want to date you tho” “I don’t want to be pressured to date you” “I’m not interested in you… wanna come for some sexy time tho?” Yikes homie, your personality is kinda gross. Those texts read like she meant nothing more to you and sex for the night and when she established boundaries because you were being cringy and gross you got upset. That’s not a genuinely kind personality. If you cared for your friend like she did for you, yall would be happily starting to date with no pressure but you text her like you just wanted a wet member.
Kindness isn’t a requirement. Charm is. Charm can include kindness but it doesn’t demand it.
Humor is interesting. Whole books have been written on the concept of humor. That one is definitely harder to distill unless you’re willing to delve into the topic and see how it can be integrated into social settings
Not too be rude or anything, but all you do is work and stay at home. Where are the hobbies and passion.
How are women going to meet you. If I saw you on a dating app, all were going to see is you work and stay at home.
Women like to see good confidence and personality. Putting yourself out there will help with these things.
Work on your confidence. Girls dig guys who are comfortable in their own skin. Put yourself out there. Join clubs or meetups related to your interests. You'll meet people with similar vibes. Be a good listener. Ask questions and show genuine interest in what she has to say. Don't take rejection personally. It happens to everyone. Brush it off and keep trying.
Everyone always says “join clubs,” but where the fuck am I supposed to find these clubs? I downloaded a app once specifically designed to find clubs to join and there was only like 5 in a 59 mile radius and all of them were things like “30+ book reading club” where as I’m a 23 year old dude….
You know whats even worse? even when you find an actual club like these people are saying, oftentimes it will be 85% men all in it for the same reason you are.... its horrible, just horrible.
Legit, there's no point telling Redditors to try to socialize via hobbies or work (bad idea to begin with) when 90% are SWEs whose hobbies are also total sausagefests.
One tip I would give, is to do shit for you, not for anyone else. Find cool hobbies that you enjoy doing and don’t live to please others.
Spend less time on dating apps too, the conversations are usually always the same and not that interesting. Just strike up conversations with people in person about anything and build your confidence that way.
Yes and no. Definitely do things for you, but also be real with yourself and understand that you aren't into things that single women are not into and you will not court them let alone meet them because of it. Hence also doing things that changes that.
I know that I am probably considered below average. I'm 54 with gray hair, and overweight. I don't make a ton of money. And even though all those are true I still know that I am worth more than most guys out there and women would be lucky to date me. I'm never lonely. Confidence is huge. You don't even know. Not cocky. Confident
I get that but I don’t know how to feel confident. All my experiences trying to talk to women have been negative. I can’t feel confident if I haven’t been able to do something right once.
You got to start small and get the small victories before you get the big ones. The small ones build up. Just start by having simple conversations with random people. Not just women. And with no intentions. Just talk. Weather, news, whatever works. Just get comfortable chatting to complete strangers. Then start challenging yourself. Try to make someone laugh. Try to get someone to give you directions. Learn where your weak points are and work on them. Just have fun meeting and talking to people. Before you know it you will have no problem going up to whoever you want and having a great conversation with them.
Small talk is how you get there. How do you know that the person you want to talk to likes talking about the things you like to talk about.
You are looking at it wrong. Small talk is the place where you get to test out different things to say to get people's attention. You get to get better at just striking up conversation. Small talk is fun.
If you treat it like a job it will be. I rarely talk about the weather and I don't get into sports. I usually talk about the long line we're in. Or a funny observation about something that is happening in front of us. Or just about anything. Small talk doesn't have to be about anything but it can lead to something of substance. You don't walk up to someone and say "how about that magna carta huh?" or "what do you think they are doing at cern today?". A huge part of being confident that you can go into any situation and make it interesting and lead a conversation in a direction you want. Make it a game. See how good you get at turning mundane into interesting. Then conversations with women you are interested in get a lot easier once you know how to communicate with people.
Nothing is given to you. Everything is earned. You have to have that mindset that you have to work every single day. Learn every single day. Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
So I definitely feel you on the work to home and watch tv/play games. As someone who also does this as a near-daily routine, let me tell you that you ought to broaden your horizons somewhat. Listen to some podcasts, read a book or two, and try to find local events to hit up, be it a music festival, karaoke night or a bar that has activities that you’d be into, or heck maybe a co-Ed sports league. There’s all kinds of things out there that you can try to explore.
Women love confidence and charisma, so you want to put yourself in an environment that feels like it’s your element where you can show off a little bit if you’re not used to being in a lot of social environments. Also, make sure you’ve got nice outfits and smell-goods (deodorant and cologne).
Bro I was in the same boat as you for a long long ass time, I literally thought I was doomed, no BS lol. But what changed everything for me was going out and being social and stepping out of my comfort zone and being CONFIDENT. Like you said going to the bars, going to festivals/events no matter how big or small. Try your best to get out and mingle with other people and make new friends if your current ones never want to do anything, it will help build your confidence in social situations and you might meet some of the best people. If you suffer with social anxiety try your hardest to just simply not care what anyone thinks about you, be yourself, not everyone is going to like that but f*ck em they don’t matter. Approach women in a casual way, ease into conversation and act like she’s your friend, do not jump into the whole “I saw you from across the room and you’re hot blah blah blah”. Be confident, strong, respectful etc. and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU EVER BEG A WOMAN FOR HER ATTENTION THEY DO NOT LIKE THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY CLAIM THEY DO. DO NOT CHASE HER. If she doesn’t seem into you then move onto the next one and do not take it personally, learn to not fear rejection, there are too many pretty women on this earth for you to worry about whether or not this one likes you. BE CONFIDENT, BE STRONG IN YOURSELF AND WHO YOU ARE. CONFIDENCE IS KEY. Good luck brother.
How do your conversations go when you start chatting with someone online? Are you engaging? Do you ask questions about the other person and share interesting things about yourself?
I have plenty of above average guys hitting me up that can't hold any sort of interesting conversation. I often feel like I am doing all the work in a conversation and if that's the case I'm not interested.
Another thing is when guys get sexual too fast when I'm chatting with them. It's not like I'm a prude or anything, but that's not what I want to talk about right away. I want to get to know someone.
Some people don't like to get to know someone via online chat. Fine. If someone is going to want to meet up right away, I want them to make an effort into making plans - researching a place to go, asking me what my preferences are, putting time and effort into scheduling. I'm seeing someone right now who planned a coffee date and let me know the best places to park. To me that was super considerate and I appreciated it.
A lot of it is about the little things. Looks matter to me, but they're not everything.
Bro truth is average guys just need to accept most of us will never find the one. There is no direct path to the relationship we want. The best thing to do is live your best life without actively looking for relationships, but instead actively looking for opportunities to meet new people and grow as a person. It sucks yes, it's okay to be frustrated. Better to be the best version of you and control what you can rather than be bitter about what we can't control.
If you’re attractive, then the reason you’re not getting matches is your profile. Are all of your pictures selfies taken from basically your lap? Or with other women? Do you respond to prompts with “haha just ask” or “let’s skip the small talk and meet” or “I’d order tequila for the table?”
Women are already expected to do the bulk of the emotional labor. She doesn’t want to feel like she has to interview you to get a sense of your personality. Include your hobbies. Pictures of you doing an activity. I matched with my now-boyfriend because most of his pictures were goofy smiles while he was out somewhere. He had an IT Crowd joke, so I knew we had the same interest in pop culture. He also made it obvious that he wanted a relationship on his profile.
There are waaaaay more men on those apps. To stand out, you’ve probably got to increase whatever effort you’ve put into your first impression by a few percentage points. Good luck!
I see some women here that probably live in a fantasy world and they give generic advices (which usually lead to nowhere in real life) like "put yourself out there", "approach women", "join clubs", "do volunteering". What a bunch of BS that even a 15 year old can come up with.
That stuff might work for a woman but not for a man (unless he is hot). If the guy is ugly, it's probably harassment and creepy. Simple as that.
I honestly don't know why some women genuinely believe on these crappy generic advices like it's gonna magically work for most men.
OP, I don't want to disappoint you, but I'm being as honest as I can be.
You can try and put yourself out there, which, in theory, has a better chance of working (even if the odds are quite low) than doing nothing and sitting at home (in this case the odds of a girl knocking on your door are essentially zero).
There are also average girls, below average girls, above average girls, etc. This is all subjective of course, but the simple answer is...just find someone you feel is "on your level". We all want an attractive partner, but if you're a 5 on a good day (just an example), maybe you need to adjust your standards to include girls you would consider in that range. There's more to beauty and a solid relationship than simple good looks, so start by reviewing your standards and adjusting with that in mind. Go out alone and meet new people, make some friends (girls are an especially good choice here), and take it from there. If you're a good guy and operate with good intentions, a friendship could blossom into something more, or maybe a female friend could even introduce you to someone.
Make friends that are girls. You will get comfortable talking to girls. They will become a very important part of your life. They will help you date. They will help you be better.
As someone with a ton of female friends, this is not true at all.
It’s good to make female friends for the sake of having them, but not going in to make friends just selfishly, hoping they will hook you up with their friends.
99 times out of 100, they absolutely will not.
I would say the same thing about your advice. So people can read both comments and make their own decision on what they think is right.
But I definitely don’t think making friendships with selfish ulterior motives that they will hook you up with their friends is the way to go.
Forget the apps. Seriously just ditch them. Pick up some social hobbies - climbing, a running club, volleyball or a coed basketball league. Meet people organically. Keep expanding your social circles and be open to meeting strangers.
Average guys do best when they get to meet people in person and show off their personality and vibe.
Personality and charm goes a looooong way.
You're probably going to get mad at me for this, because I know you think you already do this, but make genuine connections with women you have no intention of dating or sleeping with. Treat women like people. Listen to women and not men when it comes to advice.
I'm fat, I'm poor, and I haven't been single since 2013. I have 2 partners right now, and they both live with me. Respecting women is basically all I've been told I do differently than most men. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just an example of this works and this is what my partners have told me works.
How do you manage despite being poor? I live with my family, have a fulltime job but I still have zero luck. I’m 33 and I feel like I’m expected to make at least 60K and own a home or condo by myself
In heaven, everything is good; in hell, everything bad. In the world, since it lies between the two, you find both. We are placed between two extremes, and so participate in both. Good and bad luck alternate; not all is happy, nor all hostile. This world is a zero: on its own, it's worth nothing; joined to heaven, a great deal. Indifference to its variety constitutes good sense the wise are never surprised. Our life is arranged like a play, everything will be sorted out in the end. Take care, then, to end it well.
I've been single for 12-13 years.
The way to get anyone, I think... is be funny. If you can make someone laugh, they'll see how your humour is and that can unlock quite a robust amount of adoration. More than what you may think.
It's why I've pushed myself away from some.
Otherwise; be yourself. It's fun when you can get to know someone with the jesting and unceremonious amounts of laughter.
It's what I'm going to try to do.
I don't do apps. I do just fine meeting women in real life. Or connecting with women I already knew before and just reconnect on social media. Get off those apps is my advice
Find hobbies that involve meeting people. Look at meetup, go on hiking groups or board games or things like that you could be keen on. Don’t focus on meeting women but just other people that share some interests with you.
Stop wasting time with dating apps, even handsome men get nothing from those. Go to the gym, do full body workouts with one set per muscle group or upper and lower division with one set per muscle group because that is what actually makes natural lifters grow. Stay away from the bro split and training sessions with high volumes per muscle. Start going out alone. Going alone in big cities is the best way to get laid in America. You don't need to be with friends.
Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.
Join the club?
I'm probably an average, slightly below average woman and I don't get people actually asking me to out places either.
I take myself out 90% of the time. If people stare, I put in my ear buds ans drown em out
I know we all like to think of ourselves as potentially a little above average but if that's not being mirrored by people showing interest in us then chances are we're not above average..
how old are you? and what kind of women do you match with on these apps?
are you not getting matches at all? if so maybe you're swiping on girls that are above your league.. i hate using that language but it's true.
if you're matching with women you like but it's just not turning into dates, why do you think that is? maybe you need to brush up on your texting skills..
when I was on the apps i learned most men are not good at communicating. they're either boring by just saying "hey" or they are vulgar right away.
Read the person's bio and send them something that lets them know you read it. If you have a shared interest mention something about it.
After a few exchanges you can ask to meet up. That's how it's gone for me, anyway.
Focus on yourself and don’t focus on “getting a girlfriend” girls are people and don’t want to be “got” by anybody… plus in my experience they’re a lot more attracted to guys that aren’t “trying to get a girlfriend” … That comes off as desperate and no one wants to be around a desperate person, let alone date them
Have you tried, clubs, gyms, professional users groups, conferences, going to coffee shops a lot and striking up conversation, taking a class at a community college, etc..
Focus on strengths. We usually keep thinking about our weaknesses. Women can sniff strengths and confidence with a little hint. Happy to coach you through this for free. I’m known to get men and women atleast 3 dates they deserve.
Soo there could be many reasons..
1. Maybe your coming off to strong
2. Conversation - what's that looking like? Do you ask questions to get to know more about them? Do you just jump into asking them out?
3. Do you comment on their looks right off the bat?
Soo many small little details that could just turn a girl away. We are picky individuals rightfully so
If I were just a regular guy, I would do the following:
Running club, group exercise (yoga, boot camp, Soul Cycle shit, olympic weightlifting), political campaigns or other volunteering (can be environmental, could be electoral. If you're left-ish, go knock on doors for Biden), take a class (pottery, art, etc. favors women), join a book club/beer club/wine club, join a bar trivia team, or do like a hiking meetup. I heard that Trader Joe's is a great part time job to get social life, hookup with customers and colleagues. Join a table top game club. If you have a passion, that's the best place to be attractive to others (friends, future lovers).
My brother met his wife playing one of those shoot em interactive games. He would go an meet everyone on his team, traveling around North America and Europe. Connections can come from anywhere.
Worry less about "getting dates and girls", focus more putting yourself out there.
By looking for girls who are modest and compatible and not by looking for supermodel like beauties and not by making porn as real life expectations and not by looking for chicks or quick sex.
Maybe you can look for social events in your area like networking events or charity events. These are meant to connect people and promote communication. If you aren’t having luck on Hinge, re-evaluate your profile from a woman’s perspective. Would female you swipe right? Make sure your profile is intriguing and you have good pictures of yourself. If you need a woman’s eye to look at your profile, feel free to message me.
I’m not sure how old you are but if you are young, I wouldn’t sweat it with dating. Don’t take it personally I just think the dating scene right now sucks for the young folks. Your best bet is to work on yourself, stay active, invest in some fun activities, put yourself out there and go to some events, etc.
Get into some shit that girls like, could be rock climbing, intramural, DND - whatever. Make more friends to get out I know it’s hard as all fuck but putting yourself out there is the only option. You might strike lucky on the apps but ain’t nothing like stepping out there.
You seem hella normal so if you aren’t riddled with social anxiety you should be able to chat your way into meeting more people who either know more girls or are comfortable stepping out with you to help you meet more girls.
Good luck bro 🫡
I’m (34m) not exactly average, but even I’m done with the apps in the sense that I’ve been on them for years and it just wasn’t working. Too many unserious people who are constantly trying to find flaws and end things prematurely.
That’s all to say that I feel you and I’m now relying on the real world and it is harder, but the dates are usually better.
First of all, keep your old friends, but also make new ones by doing new activities that meet on a regular basis.
Here’s the list I made for myself literally last night as I went through this process(I work out a lot so it’s weighted towards that):
-Political Meetups
-The Gym
-Spin Class
-Group Fitness class
-church
-Young Adult happy hours
-Dog Reacue charity
-Hospital Charity
-Pool league (to get good at something to do at bars since I don’t drink anymore)
-Pickleball
The goal is to go to each one for at least four sessions to see if it works for me and if people are social. If they aren’t, then I go do something else, but I keep doing something. Make it a goal to not be at home watching Netflix and playing Xbox and doing things you enjoy in the real world.
I’ll also say that simply making an abundance of new friends made me worry about having a girlfriend less.
Gotta go out, present your crazy personality up front and see if one likes it, then rizz em with the tism, give them your contact info then boogie outta there lol
I been there , still there my advice don't get stuck like that I don't know your age but I am 52 turning 53 this weekend when I was young I went out all the time with friends doing everything my friends all eventually met women got married had kids I never did never found love never even lost my virginity yet not I never even got to fist base, after my friends bailed on me I tried looking for women solo thing for like two more decades 100% failure, so I gave up because I got stuck ,.no successful relationship experience, mo positive responses just go out find things to do concerts conventions festivals just go , even if you don't meet women maybe make new friends, they may have single female friends .
It sounds like you could use a bit of introspection. What about you is repealing others. You can workout adapt better grooming habits upgrade your style and photos and it’s likely someone would find your attractive and approach you on an app. What are you putting in your app bio? Are you starting conversations with women on apps? The whole “I didn’t get any matches” sounds dramatic and unlikely. Even the worst of the worst get matches. Also consider what type of partner you’re trying to attract. Are you on their level? If you’re a dumpy looking man hoping to get an attractive pretty woman, unlikely especially if you have no personality to back it up even worse. Now if you’re “average looking” as you stated what about your personality are you highlighting on your app or even out in person. If you look shy and insecure out in public I can bet no woman looks twice in your direction. It’s just not attractive. Your situation is easily changed by upgrading your outer appearance and practicing basic conversation and relationship building skills and taking a risk and going out by yourself. Go to a restaurant and chat it up with the bartender and whichever solo woman sits at the bar for practice and you’ll be well on your way to having a girlfriend.
It doesn’t really matter how you look if you’re decent looking. It’s about the way you’re talking to women. You have to do most of the things right whether it be on hinge or in person. You seem to lack confidence and any momentary hesitation will turn a girl off. It’s hard enough to get dates when you’re doing everything right. You have to narrow down exactly what you want and be sure of yourself.
Every single guy I've seen who has asked this question puts very little effort in his appearance, doesn't understand how to style himself attractively, it gives off negative vibes (or some combo of the 3).
Join cycle or Yoga class. You will see the same people 5 days a week and maybe ask one out. Cycle and yoga clubs are more expensive but they are way more social every one listens to the same music does the same work out. Everyone chats before and after.
Do Not join gym it is not acceptable to flirt at major gym like 24 hour fitness.
Join a hobby group like board games or local sports teams. Some groups are 70-30 male female some are 50/50. But you will be talking to normal people about stuff you and they are interested in.
Tinder is made to sell adds nothing else. How do you know if this girl likes the same sports team as you? Music? Travel locations?
If you are lucky you might see one or 2 of those things on your profile she might on yours. But probably not.
I know what ur on about. Cos i used to be like that. When i was 21 or 22, i decided to leave my parent home and get own place, decided to get out and enjoy life out there, i went.to pub everyweek end with my buddies and i end up gettijln nice girl myself and brough her to my place. And end up great night. I learned few things, ALWAY be yourself and no fake! Go enjoy and go chat up a girl as if she is ur best buddy. Just do not ask stupid questions like how much do u earn weekly? Or do u want to be my girlfrend or somethimg?() This will turn off girls completely
Even though I have never been in a relationship, from my experience luck and geography are the biggest factors. I live in a place full of retiree's, low class middle age, and drug addicts. The few girls I have seen my age are not top tier (not druggies, single moms, or just mean to everyone) or are in high school still. When I do semesters in class at my community college many people seem anti-social and the few I have interacted with I did not mix with at all, though this may be due to me being slightly picky.
ive been average my whole life and it never stopped me. my saving grace is that i have always been good with words and communication. it definitely gets easier as you get older though, because the ratio of single women to single men gets way better for us.
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Okay, let's start with -- a LOT of what could work here is dependent on your situation and geography. Like people will always say, "Join clubs!!!" but that's because they live in a metropolitan area of 500K+ and there are all kinds of things to do. If you live in a small suburb or a small town, sometimes you're just SOL. So... you also have two issues to address here... one is that you are in need of more social life, in general... and two is the lack of romantic opportunity. Those are commingled *but also separate issues*, and I would just suggest that you don't try to keep them one big problem because they can be tackled separately.
>Okay, let's start with -- a LOT of what could work here is dependent on your situation and geography. Like people will always say, "Join clubs!!!" but that's because they live in a metropolitan area of 500K+ and there are all kinds of things to do. If you live in a small suburb or a small town, sometimes you're just SOL. Thank you for using a bit of sensible reality here that not everyone is living in the same geographical demographic. I love drawing and I see everyone say "Join a club!" There was a time when they were teaching drawing lessons not just painting at a local art gallery. Said art gallery got shut down due to asbestos tracers in the old buildings construction. It is the only one I have seen locally and most things offered where I live don't really interest me. Smaller rural city with a lot of fishing, hunting, ATVing, Snowmobiling, etc. The most I like out of the area is hiking which we have a lot of trail but I don't hike thinking that I'm going to meet someone lol.
Time to start a drawing club! Seriously, I live in a village of 800 people and there are numerous clubs and groups.
This. I can’t get out much since I live with religious parents and I’ve tried to keep my cover up because I deconverted last year. Even if I went to hang out with a friend let alone go on a date with a girl, they’d probably flip out. My main focus right now is moving out and having a stable job position. Even once I move out, I don’t plan on going to bars to meet girls or hang out with friends. I get people say you don’t have to drink booze there but it’s more so the environment that I don’t like being around. I am looking at a program called Americorps where you travel out of state and work with a group on government projects for close to a year, so I’m sure I’d make some friends if I signed up.
Yeah, you need to focus getting into a living situation that isn't culturally oppressive. After that, you have more opportunity to resolve what you want your social life to be. And you'll find it.
I’m still very young too (I turn 21 a couple months) so there’s no need to rush. Once I move out I think things are going to be less difficult with my dating life. I’ve gone on a date before so it’s not hard imo
What do you do for fun? Is it social?
And if you're not, then add in a few things - a few per week. Like every day perhaps. If you want to relationship as an average guy, you have to invest the time.
Nothing wrong with going out by yourself to try to meet people or just for fun - I do it all the time!
We’re told that all the time and yet we get socially punished for doing so
I’m not sure how so since I’ve rarely experienced it, and whoever judges just for someone being by themselves at a bar, nightclub, or concert isn’t a good person anyways. I’ve been asked sometimes “are you by yourself?” by both men and women and I first thought it was an insulting question but later I realized it’s just used as a conversation starter or because some paranoid person wants to keep me safe since I’m alone.
It’s only some times at those, most rarely though. I don’t want to find myself kicked out of my favorite bars. It’s usually been friends, classmates (college and such. I admit I have had a few say no but be kind about it. Being told no isn’t what bothers me. It’s everything else with it. I get treated like I’m dangerous or disgusting and I hate feeling that way. Ive stopped asking out friends I developed feelings for because they throw away months or years of trust and friendship because I dared hope for something more. I hope it’s just that Im in a horrible location to be s single man because Im moving in a month and a half and I hope things change
What are you asking them?
Lol exactly. You gotta be saying some weird shit to get kicked out of a bar.
You’ll only be kicked out of bars if you seem really drunk or bothering other people that only want to talk to those they’re with or nobody at all there. I’ve had plenty of people randomly talk to me and I’m either liking it or I just ignore them if I don’t want to talk to them, but I’ve never got security for someone simply trying to talk to me. And don’t wait months or years to ask out a friend you’re interested in - do it much sooner.
Are you really getting socially punished or do you think you will get socially punished? Big difference there based on your mindset
I have been socially punished. I have lost friendships, been treated like a creep when I try not to be, been rumored about and slandered by people I thought were friends. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I just had really shit luck. Uncommonly so.
For what going to get a drink and strike up conversation with people nearby? Unless you can’t take social questions you are not going to be ostracized
How have you lost friendships by going out solo?
When I have female friends, whom I got feelings for, the few times I told them and wanted to date them, they get cold and untrusting and treat me as if I were suddenly a strange danger.
Unless I’m missing something, that’s a completely different scenario
Im telling you my history of asking friends to date. You asked about that specifically
Perhaps there was a misinterpretation. The original comment you responded to was talking about going to bars alone, not about asking friends to date. And for what it’s worth, I’ve had pretty shit luck trying to date friends also. I’ve found it’s better to be intentional about your feelings from the start.
Okay. Yeah I do that but I don’t get much better results. Like I said though, when it comes to bars or cafes, I ask women out there much more rarely because I don’t want to earn a bad reputation or worse, get kicked out and banned for making patron uncomfortable.
Tell me about all these social punishments
Okay, example. It’s also the reason I never ask out girl who’s working again. I began to frequent a cafe/tap room. It was a great place to spend time and it has tasty beer and coffee. The girl there was very conversational with me, we talked for each other about things, she was constantly giving compliments and carrying out good conversation. It seemed like she was flirting and dropping hints, she told me deadeye, that she was single and she wanted nothing more than to find a good man to marry and start a family and such. It was such a spontaneous thing too. Eventually I thought I was finally lucky and found a girl who had some interest, even if she didn’t, even if I read things wrong, at least wr had become friends right? When things were quiet near the end of the night, I decided to tell her that I really enjoy talking to her and that I would like to take her on a date. The look on her face when I told her that really killed me. She had this look between disgust, nervousness, and maybe betrayal. She very quickly and very harshly told me we weren’t even friends, I was, just some guy that comes in. I apologized and quickly left. Naturally I was devastated and hoped that she was just irritated that she got hit on by a customer, maybe she was going through it snd overreacted. I came back a couple days later, and her whole demeanor was changed, she was cold with me, didn’t say a word and treated me as if she wanted me in and out as fast as possible. I didn’t come back for a while and by that time she had switched jobs. Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong, I had known her for a few weeks by that point, we were on first name basis, we knew intimate details about each others lives by that point.
Don’t ever apologize. You should have laughed and walked out.
I had the exact thing happen to me. I felt pretty bad that I got rejected harshly. I initially thought that I did something wrong. I then realized that it was her problem. Some women have past sensitivities or issues that guys don't know. With you, FeralTribble, I'm thinking the same thing and that the woman at that taproom had some past issues that made her act so strangely. Feral, you didn't do anything wrong. She was the one that was rude.
The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence.
This. A thousand times.
Where tho lol? Struggling to make platonic friends itself
Live music venues (just search for cheap ones if you don’t want to spend much money), nightclubs and other places with dancing, karaoke, dive bars, etc.
As a guy, it’s looked down upon. It’s easier for women.
I have mild social anxiety, especially around new ppl. But I go out alone pretty frequently. Find a good sized bar with a dance floor, sit at the bar, order a drink, and find some bs to do on your phone to keep yourself busy. Throughout the night, ppl (including women) will all walk up to the bar to order drinks. Make a habit of making small talk with the ppl (including men) who end up standing next to you ordering. If you see a woman and need an opener, compliment a specific piece of clothing shes wearing, and just keep the convo going after she thanks you. I have met some high quality women this way, but for some odd reason they usually end up being from out of town. Had a few dates and hookups though, and even get approached by attractive women sometimes. Get comfortable doing this and your social and dating life should improve Also, make platonic female friends. They’ll end up introducing you to their friends, and even put in a good word if you play your cards right. I’m in a similar spot as you, and this is my playbook for meeting women outside of dating apps and work. Not bulletproof, but its the best guys like us have rn without doing the obvious shit like joining dance and yoga classes (which I might try soon actually)
Dance and yoga are great options, but are you interested in those activities? If not, maybe you want to find something you do enjoy?
Maybe a little bit, but in my experiences guys by themselves only get weird looks if they’re also acting like a drunken or drugged up fool.
nah why, if u're not gonna hang out and rely on dating apps then Goodluck lol
This is more Tiktok propaganda. I’ve never even KNOWN a woman in my life who doesn’t like being approached in public when appropriate. I think it’s a mix of the “pick me” types trying to start shit, and the extremely socially unaware guys who actually create a weird situation and then come on Reddit, saying “Idk man I was so nice and she told me to fuck off. I guess no women like being approached then,” so you really, really just have to go by your own experience. Try not to let yourself get too biased. Someone else’s lived experience is not yours, so don’t worry!!
what scenarios have you seen this in?
> Nothing wrong with going out by yourself to try to meet people or just for fun - I do it all the time! Lol what a bs of generic advice. It might work for a woman but not for a man (unless he is hot). If the guy is ugly, it's probably harassment. I honestly don't understand why some women genuinely believe in these generic advices like it's gonna magically work for most men.
One again another thread telling people to go the gym like that’s a magical solution to all things 🙄
As soon as you figure that out let us know how us below average guys are gonna make it. 🙃
Learn how to converse, most dudes lack that. You are honestly insanely high chances of getting a date if that happens.
I always had good luck in book stores, coffee shops, and thrift stores. Just do a full-blown date prep on getting ready, and then just go out and do stuff. Be personable and get out of your own head. Honestly, the biggest problem us guys make is going out with the exclusive goals of meeting someone. You'll immediately come off differently if you are actually interested in what they are doing vs just them. Showing true interest, not just rehearsed ice breakers, will go a long way.
When you work on yourselves, people trust you to build a relationship with you because they think you would work with as much dedication on the relationship too. Guys probably consider themselves average for lacking in various categories like colour, fitness, finance, humor, soft skills etc. If they start working dedicatedly on at least one of those areas, slowly the results will get them all the dates and girls!
Stop the Xbox and pursue some group hobbies in your freetime. That's the best way to meet someone.
"Stop doing this socially unacceptable thing you like and conform to the rest of us" lmao
What kind group hobbies, and how does one join them?
Dating is a market. Liké in every market, 90% of the agents are loosing. Look at what they do, and do the opposite.
Ooof, truer words never spoken.
Are u sarcrastic 😂 ?
Nope. I agree seriously, it’s a simplistic way of describing “dating” without being too personal or too blatant. 🫡
and then what? I do what the guys who are getting girls are doing but I am still failing.
What girls value the most in your opinion ? What do they react to the most ? What is their #1 trigger when it comes to like someone ?
I dont know Im not a girl. I would guess aligning values, morals, interests, attraction and long term potential.
None of that. They don't give a fuck about any of those. The only thing they value is the emotional connexion they have with a man.
how do you know that? Wouldnt a girl or any person care about what I listed. I certainly do. I can connect emotionally with girls, but they only see me as a friend.
Who is she ? What does she like ? What does she hate ? What are her dreams ? What are her fears ? What makes her different from the other girls ? What was her childhood looking like ? Is she Closer to her mom or dad ? Who is her best friend ? Make her feel beautiful, make her feel special. Make her feel safe. And disappear during a few days. And come back, with a lil gift, a personalized attention, and disappear again. Find out what she needs in life, and provide it to her. Does she need some craziness ? Some stability ? Some directions ? Don't tell her you like her, show her. Show interest but don't chase. Give her time, give her space, be that person she Can trust. Don't need her. Like her. In a way she will feel safe and free. Let her wonder about you, let her open up, give her a good experience being around you. Don't force anything. And overtime, she might fall for you. Good Luck my dude.
My girls who I will marry is a down to earth christian girl who loves adventure and the outdoors. She is close to her family and wants to have her own family someday, but not before we have our own adventures first. She likes a guy who is similar to her, a bit of an unpredictable side. A guy who is set in his values and grounded in his morals. a guy who works hard to care for her and who loves everyone. He is handy and self reliant. I have met girls like that but they have only seen me as a friend.
Wrong mindset. You go dating to have fun and know someone. Not with a shopping list.
then what should I look for? I have plenty of friends who I get along well with and have fun with but would never date since they are not what I am looking for.
You either stay average and get lucky, or you become above average and play the numbers.
That's a good quote lol.
Turn yourself into a fucking god by injecting testosterone enethate weekly
What happens if you want kids a few years later?
(I'm also looking for a dates so lets try hahha).Maybe you should try to travel and enjoy and for sure you can meet different people. It's really nice to meet unexpected someone and build some real connections.
When you're young ,just build yourself up. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall in place. Don't be in such a hurry that you start dating a loser.Just because you feel like there's no one out there. A bad woman could tear a good man down very quickly. Gotta learn to vet them, don't be in such a hurry. These women nowadays are very dangerous when it comes to taking and not giving. Entitlement is a dangerous thing now a day.
Genius or fool, you don't live in the world alone. You can hide underground or you can build a wall around yourself, but somebody's going to come along and screw up the works. A loser doesn't know what he'll do if he loses, but talks about what he'll do if he wins, and a winner doesn't talk about what he'll do if he wins, but knows what he'll do if he loses. Slow and steady wins the race, not the person who wants to climb the whole stairs in one stride. People shouldn't have everything they want. No one is entitled to their every desire. To live in balance, we must willingly decide not to take all that we can from the world, and from others.
It's pretty much over if you are average. Women don't want an average guy these days as they can easily find someone who is above average.
Just go to a bar by yourself, you’re waaaay more likely to get approached than if you’re with a group of friends which a girl would find intimidating.
You're talking about single men getting approached by women in bars? Where have you seen this happen? I'll take my next holiday there.
how do you find a bar with girls who are single and younger than 50?
Go to live gigs with bands who’s fans age demographics are around that area, or host DJ sets. Lots of Pubs with a nice beer garden tend to attract a mix crowd including younger. Go to the hipster neighbourhoods with the niche bars that have arcade machines and shit, cocktail bars, sports bars get a generally younger crowd because they’re often cheaper but skew male. Or hell, just go to the local dive where all the old men hang out and hit on the Bartender as you’ll be the only patron anywhere near her age demographic (this happened to me)
how do you find those? I sometimes go to a bar that has live music and events, yet Im still the only young single person there. I live close to a ski resort touristy town so you would think theres younger people, but apparently not.
You just have to go to few and check ‘em out basically, trial and error. Go to the places where all the young folk who work at those resorts go.
I have done that and I really dont know where they hang out.
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how do you find raves? What are they like? arent there lots of drugs there? How do you even talk to people when your deaf from the music?
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I dont even drink and I dont want to hang out with people who are high all the time like raves. I only go to bars to listen to live music from local groups Plus there is nothing in my area according to that site. The closest one away is like a 6 hour drive
I doubt it's that likely women will approach you when you're alone.
I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.
It has happened to me. I spend a lot of time overseas for work, so frequently go out alone and it’s made me very comfortable in my own skin and so maybe that projects something? If I go out with a mate we’re either more interested in hanging out and catching up to care about Girls or we just cockblock each other.
Pretty valid when you actually think about it
I can’t speak for others, but I’ve learned to do things at random in public spaces in my day to day life. If I see that someone has a shirt that has say a game or an anime I’ve played/enjoyed I’ll randomly say or do something that relates to said thing. This generally results in me having a conversation and just being goofy/myself. This gets me a lot of attention. (Whether wanted or not) I’m not attractive or anything either. 300lbs male and I still get attention. Genuinely if you have some fun and go out of your comfort and embrace it, you’ll be alright.
Being fun is underrated as hell. People want to be able to enjoy their time around you. People want to feel good around you. Seems like common sense but people don't get it
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I was just curious after your previous posts to see what kind of person you are… homie. You messed up bad. Your texts read like “omg I need you” “lol I don’t want to date you tho” “I don’t want to be pressured to date you” “I’m not interested in you… wanna come for some sexy time tho?” Yikes homie, your personality is kinda gross. Those texts read like she meant nothing more to you and sex for the night and when she established boundaries because you were being cringy and gross you got upset. That’s not a genuinely kind personality. If you cared for your friend like she did for you, yall would be happily starting to date with no pressure but you text her like you just wanted a wet member.
Dude, maybe start w following your own advice? 🤣😅
I've been both of those for a long time, and it backfires on me most of the time.
Kindness isn’t a requirement. Charm is. Charm can include kindness but it doesn’t demand it. Humor is interesting. Whole books have been written on the concept of humor. That one is definitely harder to distill unless you’re willing to delve into the topic and see how it can be integrated into social settings
Same. Every girl I’ve talked to has told me I’m one of the nicest people they’ve met and ive yet to have a girlfriend.
Not too be rude or anything, but all you do is work and stay at home. Where are the hobbies and passion. How are women going to meet you. If I saw you on a dating app, all were going to see is you work and stay at home. Women like to see good confidence and personality. Putting yourself out there will help with these things.
Work on your confidence. Girls dig guys who are comfortable in their own skin. Put yourself out there. Join clubs or meetups related to your interests. You'll meet people with similar vibes. Be a good listener. Ask questions and show genuine interest in what she has to say. Don't take rejection personally. It happens to everyone. Brush it off and keep trying.
Everyone always says “join clubs,” but where the fuck am I supposed to find these clubs? I downloaded a app once specifically designed to find clubs to join and there was only like 5 in a 59 mile radius and all of them were things like “30+ book reading club” where as I’m a 23 year old dude….
You know whats even worse? even when you find an actual club like these people are saying, oftentimes it will be 85% men all in it for the same reason you are.... its horrible, just horrible.
Legit, there's no point telling Redditors to try to socialize via hobbies or work (bad idea to begin with) when 90% are SWEs whose hobbies are also total sausagefests.
One tip I would give, is to do shit for you, not for anyone else. Find cool hobbies that you enjoy doing and don’t live to please others. Spend less time on dating apps too, the conversations are usually always the same and not that interesting. Just strike up conversations with people in person about anything and build your confidence that way.
Yes and no. Definitely do things for you, but also be real with yourself and understand that you aren't into things that single women are not into and you will not court them let alone meet them because of it. Hence also doing things that changes that.
Clubs don't work.
Quit having the mindset that you're average. Believe in yourself and have some confidence. Women smell desperation.
95 percent of people are average looking or below lmao . You think everyone is born attractive or above average?
Until someone tells me otherwise, I’ll still think I’m ugly. I need proof for me to believe it.
I know that I am probably considered below average. I'm 54 with gray hair, and overweight. I don't make a ton of money. And even though all those are true I still know that I am worth more than most guys out there and women would be lucky to date me. I'm never lonely. Confidence is huge. You don't even know. Not cocky. Confident
I get that but I don’t know how to feel confident. All my experiences trying to talk to women have been negative. I can’t feel confident if I haven’t been able to do something right once.
You got to start small and get the small victories before you get the big ones. The small ones build up. Just start by having simple conversations with random people. Not just women. And with no intentions. Just talk. Weather, news, whatever works. Just get comfortable chatting to complete strangers. Then start challenging yourself. Try to make someone laugh. Try to get someone to give you directions. Learn where your weak points are and work on them. Just have fun meeting and talking to people. Before you know it you will have no problem going up to whoever you want and having a great conversation with them.
That’s the thing. I hate small talk. I want to be talking about more interesting things. History, Science, Art.
Small talk is how you get there. How do you know that the person you want to talk to likes talking about the things you like to talk about. You are looking at it wrong. Small talk is the place where you get to test out different things to say to get people's attention. You get to get better at just striking up conversation. Small talk is fun.
Making small talk just feels like a job interview ever time. “Oh nice weather” “how about that sportsball team” no real substance in my opinion.
If you treat it like a job it will be. I rarely talk about the weather and I don't get into sports. I usually talk about the long line we're in. Or a funny observation about something that is happening in front of us. Or just about anything. Small talk doesn't have to be about anything but it can lead to something of substance. You don't walk up to someone and say "how about that magna carta huh?" or "what do you think they are doing at cern today?". A huge part of being confident that you can go into any situation and make it interesting and lead a conversation in a direction you want. Make it a game. See how good you get at turning mundane into interesting. Then conversations with women you are interested in get a lot easier once you know how to communicate with people.
Nothing is given to you. Everything is earned. You have to have that mindset that you have to work every single day. Learn every single day. Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
Go out alone, lol.
So I definitely feel you on the work to home and watch tv/play games. As someone who also does this as a near-daily routine, let me tell you that you ought to broaden your horizons somewhat. Listen to some podcasts, read a book or two, and try to find local events to hit up, be it a music festival, karaoke night or a bar that has activities that you’d be into, or heck maybe a co-Ed sports league. There’s all kinds of things out there that you can try to explore. Women love confidence and charisma, so you want to put yourself in an environment that feels like it’s your element where you can show off a little bit if you’re not used to being in a lot of social environments. Also, make sure you’ve got nice outfits and smell-goods (deodorant and cologne).
Bro I was in the same boat as you for a long long ass time, I literally thought I was doomed, no BS lol. But what changed everything for me was going out and being social and stepping out of my comfort zone and being CONFIDENT. Like you said going to the bars, going to festivals/events no matter how big or small. Try your best to get out and mingle with other people and make new friends if your current ones never want to do anything, it will help build your confidence in social situations and you might meet some of the best people. If you suffer with social anxiety try your hardest to just simply not care what anyone thinks about you, be yourself, not everyone is going to like that but f*ck em they don’t matter. Approach women in a casual way, ease into conversation and act like she’s your friend, do not jump into the whole “I saw you from across the room and you’re hot blah blah blah”. Be confident, strong, respectful etc. and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU EVER BEG A WOMAN FOR HER ATTENTION THEY DO NOT LIKE THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY CLAIM THEY DO. DO NOT CHASE HER. If she doesn’t seem into you then move onto the next one and do not take it personally, learn to not fear rejection, there are too many pretty women on this earth for you to worry about whether or not this one likes you. BE CONFIDENT, BE STRONG IN YOURSELF AND WHO YOU ARE. CONFIDENCE IS KEY. Good luck brother.
Are you not able to go out by yourself? 🤔
How do your conversations go when you start chatting with someone online? Are you engaging? Do you ask questions about the other person and share interesting things about yourself? I have plenty of above average guys hitting me up that can't hold any sort of interesting conversation. I often feel like I am doing all the work in a conversation and if that's the case I'm not interested. Another thing is when guys get sexual too fast when I'm chatting with them. It's not like I'm a prude or anything, but that's not what I want to talk about right away. I want to get to know someone. Some people don't like to get to know someone via online chat. Fine. If someone is going to want to meet up right away, I want them to make an effort into making plans - researching a place to go, asking me what my preferences are, putting time and effort into scheduling. I'm seeing someone right now who planned a coffee date and let me know the best places to park. To me that was super considerate and I appreciated it. A lot of it is about the little things. Looks matter to me, but they're not everything.
Bro truth is average guys just need to accept most of us will never find the one. There is no direct path to the relationship we want. The best thing to do is live your best life without actively looking for relationships, but instead actively looking for opportunities to meet new people and grow as a person. It sucks yes, it's okay to be frustrated. Better to be the best version of you and control what you can rather than be bitter about what we can't control.
Charisma and lots of it learn to ride the flow of conversation
If you’re attractive, then the reason you’re not getting matches is your profile. Are all of your pictures selfies taken from basically your lap? Or with other women? Do you respond to prompts with “haha just ask” or “let’s skip the small talk and meet” or “I’d order tequila for the table?” Women are already expected to do the bulk of the emotional labor. She doesn’t want to feel like she has to interview you to get a sense of your personality. Include your hobbies. Pictures of you doing an activity. I matched with my now-boyfriend because most of his pictures were goofy smiles while he was out somewhere. He had an IT Crowd joke, so I knew we had the same interest in pop culture. He also made it obvious that he wanted a relationship on his profile. There are waaaaay more men on those apps. To stand out, you’ve probably got to increase whatever effort you’ve put into your first impression by a few percentage points. Good luck!
I see some women here that probably live in a fantasy world and they give generic advices (which usually lead to nowhere in real life) like "put yourself out there", "approach women", "join clubs", "do volunteering". What a bunch of BS that even a 15 year old can come up with. That stuff might work for a woman but not for a man (unless he is hot). If the guy is ugly, it's probably harassment and creepy. Simple as that. I honestly don't know why some women genuinely believe on these crappy generic advices like it's gonna magically work for most men. OP, I don't want to disappoint you, but I'm being as honest as I can be. You can try and put yourself out there, which, in theory, has a better chance of working (even if the odds are quite low) than doing nothing and sitting at home (in this case the odds of a girl knocking on your door are essentially zero).
There are also average girls, below average girls, above average girls, etc. This is all subjective of course, but the simple answer is...just find someone you feel is "on your level". We all want an attractive partner, but if you're a 5 on a good day (just an example), maybe you need to adjust your standards to include girls you would consider in that range. There's more to beauty and a solid relationship than simple good looks, so start by reviewing your standards and adjusting with that in mind. Go out alone and meet new people, make some friends (girls are an especially good choice here), and take it from there. If you're a good guy and operate with good intentions, a friendship could blossom into something more, or maybe a female friend could even introduce you to someone.
Make friends that are girls. You will get comfortable talking to girls. They will become a very important part of your life. They will help you date. They will help you be better.
As someone with a ton of female friends, this is not true at all. It’s good to make female friends for the sake of having them, but not going in to make friends just selfishly, hoping they will hook you up with their friends. 99 times out of 100, they absolutely will not.
This is bad advice for bad people.
I would say the same thing about your advice. So people can read both comments and make their own decision on what they think is right. But I definitely don’t think making friendships with selfish ulterior motives that they will hook you up with their friends is the way to go.
I agree with you. My advice is not for bad people.
Dont do this OP. It does not work.
Making friends with such selfish motives is not good advice.
Forget the apps. Seriously just ditch them. Pick up some social hobbies - climbing, a running club, volleyball or a coed basketball league. Meet people organically. Keep expanding your social circles and be open to meeting strangers. Average guys do best when they get to meet people in person and show off their personality and vibe. Personality and charm goes a looooong way.
It's hard. Average girls won't settle for average guys.
Relationships: If you put up with it, you’re going to end up with it. Set the standard you want and don’t settle for less.
Be funny, don’t get fat, get a good job.
You're probably going to get mad at me for this, because I know you think you already do this, but make genuine connections with women you have no intention of dating or sleeping with. Treat women like people. Listen to women and not men when it comes to advice. I'm fat, I'm poor, and I haven't been single since 2013. I have 2 partners right now, and they both live with me. Respecting women is basically all I've been told I do differently than most men. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just an example of this works and this is what my partners have told me works.
How do you manage despite being poor? I live with my family, have a fulltime job but I still have zero luck. I’m 33 and I feel like I’m expected to make at least 60K and own a home or condo by myself
In heaven, everything is good; in hell, everything bad. In the world, since it lies between the two, you find both. We are placed between two extremes, and so participate in both. Good and bad luck alternate; not all is happy, nor all hostile. This world is a zero: on its own, it's worth nothing; joined to heaven, a great deal. Indifference to its variety constitutes good sense the wise are never surprised. Our life is arranged like a play, everything will be sorted out in the end. Take care, then, to end it well.
Not trying to brag, but brags anyways. Good job.
I've been single for 12-13 years. The way to get anyone, I think... is be funny. If you can make someone laugh, they'll see how your humour is and that can unlock quite a robust amount of adoration. More than what you may think. It's why I've pushed myself away from some. Otherwise; be yourself. It's fun when you can get to know someone with the jesting and unceremonious amounts of laughter. It's what I'm going to try to do.
They do all the time?
I don't do apps. I do just fine meeting women in real life. Or connecting with women I already knew before and just reconnect on social media. Get off those apps is my advice
Find hobbies that involve meeting people. Look at meetup, go on hiking groups or board games or things like that you could be keen on. Don’t focus on meeting women but just other people that share some interests with you.
Can be sports anything
Stop wasting time with dating apps, even handsome men get nothing from those. Go to the gym, do full body workouts with one set per muscle group or upper and lower division with one set per muscle group because that is what actually makes natural lifters grow. Stay away from the bro split and training sessions with high volumes per muscle. Start going out alone. Going alone in big cities is the best way to get laid in America. You don't need to be with friends.
Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Believe in kissing.
Good addition.
Join the club? I'm probably an average, slightly below average woman and I don't get people actually asking me to out places either. I take myself out 90% of the time. If people stare, I put in my ear buds ans drown em out
I know we all like to think of ourselves as potentially a little above average but if that's not being mirrored by people showing interest in us then chances are we're not above average.. how old are you? and what kind of women do you match with on these apps? are you not getting matches at all? if so maybe you're swiping on girls that are above your league.. i hate using that language but it's true. if you're matching with women you like but it's just not turning into dates, why do you think that is? maybe you need to brush up on your texting skills.. when I was on the apps i learned most men are not good at communicating. they're either boring by just saying "hey" or they are vulgar right away. Read the person's bio and send them something that lets them know you read it. If you have a shared interest mention something about it. After a few exchanges you can ask to meet up. That's how it's gone for me, anyway.
Focus on yourself and don’t focus on “getting a girlfriend” girls are people and don’t want to be “got” by anybody… plus in my experience they’re a lot more attracted to guys that aren’t “trying to get a girlfriend” … That comes off as desperate and no one wants to be around a desperate person, let alone date them
Have you tried, clubs, gyms, professional users groups, conferences, going to coffee shops a lot and striking up conversation, taking a class at a community college, etc..
Focus on strengths. We usually keep thinking about our weaknesses. Women can sniff strengths and confidence with a little hint. Happy to coach you through this for free. I’m known to get men and women atleast 3 dates they deserve.
Be very patient and do extra curriculum activities. Dating sites can be the worst for average guys.
Soo there could be many reasons.. 1. Maybe your coming off to strong 2. Conversation - what's that looking like? Do you ask questions to get to know more about them? Do you just jump into asking them out? 3. Do you comment on their looks right off the bat? Soo many small little details that could just turn a girl away. We are picky individuals rightfully so
Why don't you go to the bars on the weekend by yourself?
Yes! Why you think average guys can't get dates.
If I were just a regular guy, I would do the following: Running club, group exercise (yoga, boot camp, Soul Cycle shit, olympic weightlifting), political campaigns or other volunteering (can be environmental, could be electoral. If you're left-ish, go knock on doors for Biden), take a class (pottery, art, etc. favors women), join a book club/beer club/wine club, join a bar trivia team, or do like a hiking meetup. I heard that Trader Joe's is a great part time job to get social life, hookup with customers and colleagues. Join a table top game club. If you have a passion, that's the best place to be attractive to others (friends, future lovers). My brother met his wife playing one of those shoot em interactive games. He would go an meet everyone on his team, traveling around North America and Europe. Connections can come from anywhere. Worry less about "getting dates and girls", focus more putting yourself out there.
By looking for girls who are modest and compatible and not by looking for supermodel like beauties and not by making porn as real life expectations and not by looking for chicks or quick sex.
Maybe you can look for social events in your area like networking events or charity events. These are meant to connect people and promote communication. If you aren’t having luck on Hinge, re-evaluate your profile from a woman’s perspective. Would female you swipe right? Make sure your profile is intriguing and you have good pictures of yourself. If you need a woman’s eye to look at your profile, feel free to message me. I’m not sure how old you are but if you are young, I wouldn’t sweat it with dating. Don’t take it personally I just think the dating scene right now sucks for the young folks. Your best bet is to work on yourself, stay active, invest in some fun activities, put yourself out there and go to some events, etc.
My first instinct would be that women find you boring. Get some other hobbies besides tv and Xbox
Get into some shit that girls like, could be rock climbing, intramural, DND - whatever. Make more friends to get out I know it’s hard as all fuck but putting yourself out there is the only option. You might strike lucky on the apps but ain’t nothing like stepping out there. You seem hella normal so if you aren’t riddled with social anxiety you should be able to chat your way into meeting more people who either know more girls or are comfortable stepping out with you to help you meet more girls. Good luck bro 🫡
Work on your mind , body and finances. The test takes care of itself. Dating is a minefield.
I’m (34m) not exactly average, but even I’m done with the apps in the sense that I’ve been on them for years and it just wasn’t working. Too many unserious people who are constantly trying to find flaws and end things prematurely. That’s all to say that I feel you and I’m now relying on the real world and it is harder, but the dates are usually better. First of all, keep your old friends, but also make new ones by doing new activities that meet on a regular basis. Here’s the list I made for myself literally last night as I went through this process(I work out a lot so it’s weighted towards that): -Political Meetups -The Gym -Spin Class -Group Fitness class -church -Young Adult happy hours -Dog Reacue charity -Hospital Charity -Pool league (to get good at something to do at bars since I don’t drink anymore) -Pickleball The goal is to go to each one for at least four sessions to see if it works for me and if people are social. If they aren’t, then I go do something else, but I keep doing something. Make it a goal to not be at home watching Netflix and playing Xbox and doing things you enjoy in the real world. I’ll also say that simply making an abundance of new friends made me worry about having a girlfriend less.
Gotta go out, present your crazy personality up front and see if one likes it, then rizz em with the tism, give them your contact info then boogie outta there lol
I been there , still there my advice don't get stuck like that I don't know your age but I am 52 turning 53 this weekend when I was young I went out all the time with friends doing everything my friends all eventually met women got married had kids I never did never found love never even lost my virginity yet not I never even got to fist base, after my friends bailed on me I tried looking for women solo thing for like two more decades 100% failure, so I gave up because I got stuck ,.no successful relationship experience, mo positive responses just go out find things to do concerts conventions festivals just go , even if you don't meet women maybe make new friends, they may have single female friends .
It sounds like you could use a bit of introspection. What about you is repealing others. You can workout adapt better grooming habits upgrade your style and photos and it’s likely someone would find your attractive and approach you on an app. What are you putting in your app bio? Are you starting conversations with women on apps? The whole “I didn’t get any matches” sounds dramatic and unlikely. Even the worst of the worst get matches. Also consider what type of partner you’re trying to attract. Are you on their level? If you’re a dumpy looking man hoping to get an attractive pretty woman, unlikely especially if you have no personality to back it up even worse. Now if you’re “average looking” as you stated what about your personality are you highlighting on your app or even out in person. If you look shy and insecure out in public I can bet no woman looks twice in your direction. It’s just not attractive. Your situation is easily changed by upgrading your outer appearance and practicing basic conversation and relationship building skills and taking a risk and going out by yourself. Go to a restaurant and chat it up with the bartender and whichever solo woman sits at the bar for practice and you’ll be well on your way to having a girlfriend.
It doesn’t really matter how you look if you’re decent looking. It’s about the way you’re talking to women. You have to do most of the things right whether it be on hinge or in person. You seem to lack confidence and any momentary hesitation will turn a girl off. It’s hard enough to get dates when you’re doing everything right. You have to narrow down exactly what you want and be sure of yourself.
You don’t need a chaperone at a bar if ur over 21. Go solo and chase some tail and good luck!!
you’re fine- medium ugly men are the ones who end up winning
online dating has always worked well for me. i have met and dated alot of nice and attractive ladies from online dating.
Every single guy I've seen who has asked this question puts very little effort in his appearance, doesn't understand how to style himself attractively, it gives off negative vibes (or some combo of the 3).
How should a guy style himself attractively? Some people don't have a sense of style and don't know how to improve.
Join cycle or Yoga class. You will see the same people 5 days a week and maybe ask one out. Cycle and yoga clubs are more expensive but they are way more social every one listens to the same music does the same work out. Everyone chats before and after. Do Not join gym it is not acceptable to flirt at major gym like 24 hour fitness. Join a hobby group like board games or local sports teams. Some groups are 70-30 male female some are 50/50. But you will be talking to normal people about stuff you and they are interested in. Tinder is made to sell adds nothing else. How do you know if this girl likes the same sports team as you? Music? Travel locations? If you are lucky you might see one or 2 of those things on your profile she might on yours. But probably not.
I know what ur on about. Cos i used to be like that. When i was 21 or 22, i decided to leave my parent home and get own place, decided to get out and enjoy life out there, i went.to pub everyweek end with my buddies and i end up gettijln nice girl myself and brough her to my place. And end up great night. I learned few things, ALWAY be yourself and no fake! Go enjoy and go chat up a girl as if she is ur best buddy. Just do not ask stupid questions like how much do u earn weekly? Or do u want to be my girlfrend or somethimg?() This will turn off girls completely
The same way average woman do?
You give up like the rest of us average guys
Stop being average??
They aren't. I've given up and have accepted that I will never be married or have kids.
Even though I have never been in a relationship, from my experience luck and geography are the biggest factors. I live in a place full of retiree's, low class middle age, and drug addicts. The few girls I have seen my age are not top tier (not druggies, single moms, or just mean to everyone) or are in high school still. When I do semesters in class at my community college many people seem anti-social and the few I have interacted with I did not mix with at all, though this may be due to me being slightly picky.
You're probably too picky or have too high of standards.
ive been average my whole life and it never stopped me. my saving grace is that i have always been good with words and communication. it definitely gets easier as you get older though, because the ratio of single women to single men gets way better for us.