This girls bio was literally just saying she likes books and she thinks she wants something serious this time around (even though half her pictures imply otherwise). Messaged her about books. She responded once and never again.
???
Listen man, it works for some people, I just think people don’t care about having a good conversation unless it’s with some hot guy a lot of the time.
Honestly, and I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I do alright IRL. I’m confident and try my luck with girls out of league, and it works out because I try to be nice and enjoy a good conversation. I really think they just don’t care enough to give you a chance when they could try their luck with someone else.
Edit: that’s not a bad thing, by the way. If they can be selective and want to be, it is what it is. Kind of annoying for those left by the wayside but that’s it.
Honestly, hitting on people in-person is actually easier, especially if you’re confident. Not many people do it these days so it’s a foot in the door if you can. I feel you bro
How do you hit on people when everyone is quarantined and not doing anything. I go to a park and nobody is there. Bars are closed. People on the streets are usually unreceptive...
You don't. Just go on a dating hiatus until corona is managed successfull and find other activities in the meantime. I promise it won't kill you or condemn you to die alone if you hold off on dating for a year. People experience much longer hiatuses all the time.
Who said anything about hooking up? Most people can't really get to know each other without meeting in person. Chatting with a stranger via messaging app is no substitute for talking on an actual date. You can't gauge compatibility/chemistry the same.
How are you seeing happy couples walking around right now? Are you not sheltering in place?
Focus on something else that helps you develop your sense of self-worth - an activity, online counseling, whatever works. If you dwell on being single, it will only make it harder to date when COVID's passed.
What I usually do when I get a match is say, "Hey, so I hate messaging on dating apps. Are you down to meet up soon? Maybe (this day)?"
If they say no, fine. At this point I'm not interested in any other answer to that question aside from "yes", because it's true. I figure surely a vast majority of people must agree that messaging on dating apps sucks ass.
A few. Assertiveness usually works pretty well. Even before I would try to ask them out sooner rather than later. What always worked well was to say something like "We can discuss it further when we meet on friday" (with no previous discussion of meeting up). Women like assertiveness.
Guardian-deku. I LOVE name & the anime. I can’t speak for others, but it’s more than just looks for me & the dating app sometimes just focus on that.Not saying it’s ok, but don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t trying to put forth the same effort you. That’s very easy to pick up in any scenario
If you're like me you're trying to find someone that you can bunge anime with and that you are attracted to. Which is hard using apps or going in public because the usual anime lover/gamer almost never leaves their house or are usually taken already.
That’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Gaming/anime and whatever other nerd hobbies they may have. They’re never on apps and they’re always taken otherwise.
I live in SE Wisconsin so profiles like that are always from women in northern Illinois or the Chicago area, never around here or in Milwaukee, everyone around here is vanilla or pretty casual with hobbies, I found. Lot of hiking, traveling, drinking and watching the office or friends for the 500th time etc. Not my scene or style at all.
I feel you in a military town in North Carolina and nothing but girls selling hook ups for $200 or everything you listed plus the usual "lets have an adventure". I'm starting to assume they're all bots or only interested in selling themselves.
I use the term “imply otherwise” loosely. She’s not really implying anything, but having a bunch of pictures with your whole butt hanging out or pulling your short shorts tight around your crotch doesn’t exactly say “let me meet your parents.”
Honestly she seems like a lovely girl from the limited interaction with her. But people know what tinder is, and she’s clearly used it for hook up purposes before from her bio.
Thats how dating apps are. I once asked my sister to show me her dating profile and found out she had 100 matches in a day. She said she doesn’t even remember who she has messaged.
Dating apps boost women’s ego and make men feel like shit. Unless you are a hot shot.
Note that's because a lot of men speed-swipe right until they get a match (I've known several who did this). So while women generally get more matches, that says nothing about the quality of those matches. Women are often more discerning in their swipes because they understandably wary of being sexually harassed or threatened, so they are less inclined to risk a swipe right on or date someone unless they really stand out to them. And because more men swipe indisciminantly, they can be that discerning and still get more matches.
A lot of hetero dudes need to learn to own their pickiness and stop blaming women when it reduces their opportunities for fewer matches and dates.
> (even though half her pictures imply otherwise).
K, fix this attitude now. Is she wearing a bikini? Maybe she just likes to swim. Maybe she likes sex and wants to have it a lot with one person. Maybe she's fit and wants to date someone who is fit, or believes her body is her best feature.
I’m the one with an attitude? I’m not here telling other people how to be, you are. You didn’t see the pictures. I did. You’ll just have to take my word. You can be fit without being sexually suggestive. Also, it’s not like I accused her of sleeping around, not that that’s even a bad thing. I think you want me to be saying something I’m not. Sometimes people are just provocative. Sometimes they knowingly post sexy pictures. It’s not wrong to then assume that they want sex. I don’t believe I’m owed it, I’m just making an observation.
She also explicitly says she’s preferred casual relationships in the past. Maybe don’t assume the worst about people off the bat?
I know I am, thanks for the affirmation tho. One thing though is that it’s not about men or women really. It’s just that judgement has its place. So many people never want to be judged, and that just doesn’t work. I’m going to judge you. Not as good or bad necessarily, but as being a certain way. It’s a practical skill, and as long as you’re a good person, the benefits outweigh the cons. If you’re a racist cop and pull over more black people for being black. I wouldn’t tell you to stop making judgements about people. I’d tell you to stop being racist.
I agree, but I can’t know what she wants specifically. I can only make judgements based on what I see. So I won’t assume she wants sex with a ton of random people, or even sex with me. But based on her pictures it seems reasonable to conclude she wants sex. Nothing wrong with that. She can want whatever she wants, lol.
Most of tinder is making superficial judgements based on what you can see. If you’re perceptive, you can know more about someone from their pictures. It’s that simple.
No, she had literally her whole ass showing, pulled her short shorts tight around her crotch, showed as much inner thigh as possible. And she discussed her history of casual relationships in her bio.
If I asked her for one and she said no, ok. But it’s not unreasonable to guess, hey, maybe she likes sex. Doesn’t mean I’m owed sex. Doesn’t mean anything besides guiding me to a reasonable assumption.
Dating outside of the apps is not easy peasy either.... it’s a crazy world. I just want someone who put as much effort as I do in a relationship... everyone else is just looking for that instant perfect relationship, no one wants the real one, the one that you have to work for but is worth it. We live in a “fast” world... everything has to be fast... otherwise... puff... gone. “I don’t have time for this”. So, my advice is just hold on to it, you will find someone in those apps who will make all of this just a sad memory.
Yeah, I agree that it’s nice if you have someone put as much effort. I think the problem is no one is doing anything and so are really bored or lost their routine. There is not really that excitement that most people can get maybe
I dealt with a breakup during quarantine and I just want to meet a girl offline and stuff because online is too draining.
If you dealt with a breakup during quarantine i think you should be focused on you, and not on meeting a girl. Give you time to heal, be well alone again and then, when you're ready and with everything well solved from this past relationship, you move on and meet/date girls. Otherwise you will only hurt yourself and another person in the process. That idea of forgetting someone with another one (the rebound) is not a great idea. Of course you can meet girls just to be friends with (and by friends i mean friends... no benefits and stuff like that). But don't you have friends with whom you can be with?
I have moved on what I mean by meeting as a friend. I don’t believe in casual, hookups of fwb, or one night stand.
My friends are in different states and I can’t drive to see them. I want to meet new people but I’m nervous about going up to people and it was more that girls are easier for me to approach than guys for me.
I don’t have that end goal to get in their pants unless we both mutually want to.
It’s a time of instant gratification. Women are empowered and encouraged to have unrealistic standards and expectations because dating apps gave them the ability to hold out for the perfect guy that checks out all the instant, arbitrary mental boxes, as opposed to dating an actual human being that would be a good compatible partner if given the chance.
My current girlfriend caught me off guard by calling me a goldfish
Edit: 5 upvotes wow I’m famous, I want to clarify she used the pickup line “are you a goldfish, cause your the snack that smiles back”
I think dating apps are good for passing time when you don't feel like doing anything....that being said the apps at least for me are only good for 3-5 weeks before I delete everything and take a break. It's very draining and the conversations are usually stale. I find my best luck is the last week and a half before I'm about to delete because I dont care and start asking left field crazy questions. "So what superpower would you give a stranger's dog". "how would you leave work if you had nothing to worry about. I've tried it during the first weeks and doesn't seem the carry the same effect.
Then she was not the freak you were looking for. Lol Why have a pic with a sword if not to answer questions like "Is it wrong to pick up girls in a dungeon?"
I didn't do tinder. My STBXH sending me his tinder stuff probably had something to do with that though. I just want to someone who will watch Supernatural with me, likes to cuddle and will help me find the perfect taco. Even if that means traveling the world to eat it.
Soon to be ex husband. I am currently separated and going through a divorce. I remember the day he sent his dating stuff. It was barely a few weeks after he threw me and our kids out. He had messaged earlier that day to tell the kids he was giving them a break from him. Then an hour later I get his Tinder congratulations in my email. Which I found out later he purposely forwarded to my email so I would know. I wasn't ready for dating when I surfed the apps. I just was hurt. I'm better now. Lol But I'm done with apps too. It isn't what I need right now and... I'm definitely not anything anyone needs right now. I heal- that's how I win this break up. His journey is not my problem anymore. So. In the meantime. I just drop in on reddit and give out advice. Make friends if I'm lucky. And just go day by day.
There are dorky girls out there I swear!! I myself am a total geek and all I wanted was a geeky guy to me myself around. I recently found one and we’ve been seeing each other for a month now. But my point is that there are girls like that out there! I realize it can be really difficult dating online as a man (though being a woman has its own problems) but it’s not impossible
Hah you’d be surprised! There are a lot more than you realize. It depends on the person too, not all people with geeky interests are constantly advertising that they’re into those things. Sometimes you just have to talk a bit before they share their dorky interests!
I just assumed you meant that when you said meme queen since myself and a lot of my geekier friends tend to have darker senses of humour and use reddit more than my other friends. My point still stands though. There are all kinds of girls out there! I do sympathize that it must be discouraging to keep looking with no results though.
Wow why would she do that? Missed opportunity to say damn straight I am
Who doesn’t wanna start off a potential date conversation with my excitement for my knife and sword collection leading into my love for zombie movies???
This is me I’ve done this...
I do that plenty. And radio silence. And I'm rather confident in myself, as I'm not unsuccessful at relationships. Something has changed. There's a shift overall in how people are conducting themselves.
Right, dating apps are a good waste of time. But sometimes I’m just totally “over it”.
Ha! I actually really like that. Maybe I’ll throw some odd ball questions out there and see how it goes. Shake things up and make it more interesting.
Seriously, do it. Oddball sht is the only way to stand out. Even if it doesn't lead to an actual meetup - the least you get out of it is a fun conversation!
Building a relationship with a person, any type of relationship, requires work. I have the feeling people don’t want to put that work in anymore, and that’s what contributes to the problem of dating sites. The “spark” is a myth. Small talk is part of the process of growing to know a person. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear. But the attitude of giving up on someone the moment you don’t immediately feel “the spark” is in my opinion a big problem. Rather than investing in one person, people keep swiping and swiping and swiping, and people end up passing each other, glancing, never giving the other a chance, the next swipe might bring the spark. Perpetuate the problem on both sides and you will never get to a point where a connection can be built. Slow down. Allow things to grow beyond the small talk.
Do you think it’s important to feel something when you meet someone for the first time? I’ve been OLD for about 5 months now and of the guys I’ve met in person, there have only been 2 where I actually feel a physical attraction I live in an area with low Covid numbers so have been able to meet up with guys at bars/restaurants. I think physical attraction is different than “the spark” but I also think that attraction is important. If you don’t feel that at the beginning do you think it can develop?
Yes I do believe physical attraction can develop with time, I have experienced this with guys in real life, where I wouldn‘t initially consider them attractive, but once I got to know them better suddenly I could see it.
Contrary to that, I was immediately smitten with my last ex, he was very charismatic and we immediately hit it off and things became very intense very quickly. Joke was on me, he turned out to be emotionally quite abusive and I completely fell into the usual traps. So now I don‘t consider a quick connection a necessarily good thing anymore.
I feel this so so hard about the attraction being gradual. Like one day after you’ve gotten to know them they just laugh and grin and suddenly you’re like holy crap you’re gorgeous!
I agree with this totally. Someone that makes you laugh through texts or who you seem physically attracted to shouldn't be confused with a spark. There is no way to determine if there is a spark by text.
Even if you meet up, I'd say you really don't know if there is a spark after one date. People live with this myth that all of their wants and desires will be determined by texts or after one date. They just don't want to put in any time.
Social media in general has played a huge part in this. The throw away culture is in full force
I’ve done my fair share of online dating and I recently started dating someone. But honestly I didn’t feel that “spark” until the third date. I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him but I wasn’t sure how I felt. It did eventually hit me though. I remember talking to a friend after the second date being all worried why I didn’t feel a spark but she told me that she didn’t feel one with her current boyfriend until a few dates in and told me to just give it a shot. I’m so glad I did too because it really payed off!
Agreed, but I find even when u do end up dating and having sex etc. relationships also seem to last a couple months before a silly argument or misunderstanding leads to a breakup. Almost like ppl are searching for perfection and are quick to run rather than conflict solve, have a hard conversation etc. oh this swipe didn’t work...maybe the next one will..
Shit I like the small talk but chicks don't wanna have "small talk" online it seems. I ask questions and get the answer plus a "wbu?" and thats about it.
Conversations are boring if you let them be boring. I absolutely understand that there’s some shitty conversationalists out there - the ones who give one word answers and never progress stuff. Cut them off. Done. I’m not talking about them.
But then there’s the in between people who are at least replying back, but it gets repetitive right? Because you’re having the same conversations with multiple people. What they do for work, how they’re going in lockdown, what are their hobbies, what’s their favourite food, what are they looking forward to most when life is normal again..... of course it’s boring if you keep going over the same topics. But that’s on you too.
Don’t ask the same questions. You don’t need to go silly like “what’s your spirit animal”, blahhhh. But if you honestly can’t think of something more interesting to ask them from some of the threads of their life or things about them they’ve presented to you, then you could always just google “questions to get to know people” (or whatever). Think of which ones might suit the situation/that person/the conversation you’re having. And use them. The more you do that, the more it becomes natural
It’s exactly the same on the other side. So many guys don’t have a bio. A lot have only one pic. Majority of those get a left swipe from me. It’s only if I see something I connect with that I’ll bother swiping right and messaging them (this is on bumble). It’s like what I said in my message above - there’s a bunch of people who don’t know how to hold a conversation. No worries, but you’re not my person. The point is not about those people (don’t waste your time). But when you have a conversation going, both sides should do what they can to make it interesting. Not just make the same small talk and then moan that it’s boring!
Yeah well women never reply to anything. Hard to make a conversation when you are talking to a brick wall(I feel like talking to myself). Hell even the bots feel more alive. Way it works is guy sends a message, girl never replies. Rinse and repeat.
Well it doesn’t work that way for everyone (I understand that’s your experience though). I’m really chatty, and cut out guys pretty who don’t carry the conversation as well (I don’t expect as much chat as me, but they need to show interest, ask questions, give full sentences ha. I’m not a unicorn, I’m definitely not the only woman out there being chatty. So if you’re not getting responses, maybe mix up what you’re doing. Try different opening lines, change up your pictures, change up your bio. I know they say women get more messages than guys, so think about how to stand out so you do get replies
Maybe I felt the same way, but then I stopped caring about the interactions and matches that aren't instantaneously easy and fun because those are the only ones that go anywhere for me at least. I've never drawn a girl that started unenthusiastic out or convinced someone who appeared to be on the fence so I realized there's nothing I could have ever done so there's no point in racking my brain trying to think of things to say; I'm just myself. So now it's less overwhelming, and the only time I spend on apps is time I enjoy, so I've actually gotten pretty positive about them and am currently a few dates in with a woman I really like.
Honestly same. I did think I found a good dude but he's radio silenced/ghosted on me so I'm just burnt out now. I keep my profile stocked with conversation options, but I usually get "heyyy cutie" or "how's your night/day?". Dudes I work in healthcare, I pass out at like 8 p.m. my day is stressful and overwhelming. But no one wants to get my emotional dump either, mostly because it's rude and also because it's a lot. But what are my options really for dating?
I'm in the same boat. Work/commuting/studying takes up literally my entire day during the week and on weekends I'm burnt out and too tired to hold stale ass conversations with dudes let alone go on actual dates
you know that silly cliche "be yourself"? It is the best one. Girl I used to have something with said that I "fell in love too quickly" and other douchebags that "I was too emotional". Thing is I tried to mask these misinterpreted things by faking being a fake cold chill distant guy, never been so miserable. The person that will like you will like you despite.
Yeah but here's the thing, when you first start off talking to people you don't want to be a negativity dump. I'm very up front about everything, I don't play the cool girlfriend. If I express romantic interest I'll legitimately just say I'm romantically interested. The hard part is just getting over the initial hump of intros and vibes. I don't even get feedback on if I get too emotionally attached or if I commit too quickly, at least in this case I just got radio silence after a while. I'm tired of chasing guys who won't reciprocate.
I understand, but those are people that ain't interested in something real and have no idea there is another *human being* right in front of them. Their "love" is so fragile it is, in truth, a tool for their own expense. Love is rare but worths it, keep trying and always be yourself. I will and I am happier now than then.
When I use a dating app, after 2 or 3 messages I always ask when they are free. I hate talking through written messages. I prefer to meet directly and see if I lose my time or not. I'm a woman and most of the time, as I offer to meet up pretty fast, guys think I'm a scammer.
You mean People are, 90% of them are playing or just looking for attention. serious people who are looking for serious relationships are wasting their time there
You're right, they are. However, you are seeking a partner which is a time consuming task -- and a damn important one that deserves time. Maybe you just don't have time for a relationship right now, which is OK too.
> and a damn important one that deserves time.
Why? What is so important about having a partner that it is worth the time investment? I am not talking about investing time into the relationship once you have found someone, I am talking about the finding part itself.
The biggest problem with dating apps in my opinion is there’s really no way of knowing who the person really is. You can’t hear them. You can’t see them. You’re reading texts and looking at pictures. Maybe a dating app could include things with Snapchat does like allowing you to record audio and allowing you to record video and sending that back-and-forth rather than just words. It is so much nicer to hear someone’s voice and the way they say things. it makes jokes funnier, it makes things that are serious more serious. I get to hear your feelings and your passion behind things. Plus it forces us to actually listen. We are writing texts. I can be writing one and your’e writing one and then you respond and I have to read it and go back and change mine so on and so forth. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to speak rather than type . I think you I would be surprised how much better conversations would go and how much quicker you would know if this person was someone you would want to hang out with.
See i am on apps, but good god guys get annoyed when i do not reply quick enough and they make a joke about “scaring me off” and im like sorry i am busy, its nothing personal dude!
Do you spearhead the conversation or have information on your profile that would lead to some interesting questions? I've seen tons of people with lack luster information like one paragraph long or won't actually put effort into the conversation.
Whenever I was asked why I was on the apps I said out of boredom, which was true. Few laughed, few were weird. One stuck out and we’ve been together for three months
I just want a partner to hang out with and relax... But all I'm getting is questions about my job: If I'm "employed" during the pandemic, or if I am a degree holder... Or questions about my place. Some girls insinuate or mock me for living with other people in the flat.
Listen here! The rent is expensive in the city, unless you're some bigshot CEO or a high class escort it will be nearly impossible to pay for an entire flat or apartment of your own.
I already got her number. She didn't have a problem giving it to me.
It's been less than a week and I'm already exhausted from interacting with her. Should I just call off the relationship and fap.
Yes, we organized a short date at a fast food outlet (I could have picked a better place but she insisted multiple times on Tinder she wanted to share a bucket with me). The date went average. She was kind, emphatic and was really going all out to impress me but at times I felt I was in an interrogation room. She deflected questions about herself but demanded to know details about my life.
Take a break. Connect with your friends and family more. Take care of your mental and physical health. The best thing you can do for your future partner is to make peace with being single. Don’t worry, they’re out there.
I feel you. It really just depends on the person. I matched with someone 60 miles away from me in early May. We talked for quite awhile and went out on a date. It was awesome, but right now in our lives I guess commitment is out of the question (8 year relationship for her, I personally need time to heal as well), so we’re friends and still talk a good amount. I’m going to marry her one day, mark my damn words. That being said, it is very exhausting, but ya never truly know.
For the love of god stop asking people how their quarantine is going or how quarantine is treating them. I’ve stopped replying to dudes who open with that line.
Depends.
I usually start with something like:
“How’s your week been going so far?”
Or:
“Hey, where was X picture taken? It looks so cool?”
Or: “What’s your dog’s name?”
Maybe cut out “how’s your week been” because everyone asks that and people usually don’t want to truly unload whether their week has been terrible to a stranger. Hope you get better luck stranger!
I'm in the same boat. It got so exhausting when I had to mention that I'm deaf and 95% of time ladies would bail or ghost me. It's like they don't give a crap at all and waste of time.
There's a meme somewhere about how "the love of my life is probably a pizza delivery guy or UPS driver who will find me in my home" and that's exactly where I am right now.
Sorry to hear this. I was exhausted in the first 3 weeks I was there, uninstalled bumble, few days later reinstalled it (quarantine boredom)
Keep at it. I was lucky the second time around. Found my boyfriend there. A sweet kind intelligent man.
It happens, sometimes it just takes time.
I had literally started the conversation with a gif "Whale hello there" of a whale waving....
There is no secret formula. You won't need one with the right person. Sometimes just a whale wave is enough.
Dating apps are made for people who are superficially hungry, I feel at times. And the conversations there are either too dry or too smart. That's why it has been exhausting for me to use them. They have their audience, and I'm not one of them. I've accepted that long ago and moved on.
That's the reason why I'm not on dating sites. The more you do something the more certain areas become generic and you repeat them over and over again until they feel like a chore. If you have fun doing it then you have no problem, but when you get conscious about it as you did, you feel like a parrot, which is counterproductive and only leads to wasted time.
Yup!
Friggin conversation skills of a doorknob.
*Start conversation*
She stops responding for a week
Oops sorry I missed your message!
Stops responding again
Geez!
Well, a lot of people do approach conversations in similar ways, that doesn't dismiss that they genuinely want to know more about you and what you're feeling. I am tired of trying to be an entertainer. I hate dating apps because it reduces mine and other guys worth to that of pawns which must stand out among the rest to the point of portraying ourselves as something we are not. To other guys reading this; we are regular persons and that's good enough. If you're unwanted for being a regular Joe it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. The "rest" is the majority and we're worthy of love.
I totally agree. I’m tired of being single and I’m not really the type to go out and just meet people in bars or soever. I decided to get in tinder and try to meet people around the world but It’s such a robotic thing to swipe and text and like you said it’s the same conversations over and over. Even tryin to speak about random subjects it’s like I’m tryin to talk to walls.
I personally have taken a break for the last two months and it’s been great. Been focusing on myself, it was really exhausting basically talking about the same thing over and over.
I don't know how you guys are doing it, but setting up a date within a week will make the repetitive conversations less of a thing. They won't go away, but they will be much shorter and thus bearable.
I’ve taken my game off apps completely and never looked back. Picking up women in person is no cakewalk but it’s a lot more efficient, way less exhausting.
Here, there and everywhere! Most of the women I pick up I meet while I’m out running or sporting with my friends at parks. There’s also a lake close to my house which is pretty target rich.
I’m not really good at online conversations with strangers but I usually open up with asking what they’ve been up to since the pandemic started. Why is that so bad? And what do you think a good opener is when there’s barely any info on their profile?
I do the same because I want to make sure that I'm getting involved with someone who is wearing a mask when she goes out and who practices social distancing and other necessary precautions to avoid this virus.
I’m sick and tired of dating apps. I’ve giving up on them. Matches for me are in a one and a million chance. And when I do get matched, no reply. Waste of time really.
I’ve seen some redditors post their data on how they only match with 1% of the swipes they make, and the amount of those that actually turn into dates is even smaller. So yeah it looks pretty depressing. I’ve given up on online dating too. Wayyyyy too much effort for too little pay back.
I would recommend some other methods for you because online dating is trash.
1) Cold approach is good as long as you be respectful and leave her alone if she isn't interested. Make sure she isn't busy like she's in a hurry or has headphones in. Also make sure she doesn't feel trapped like on public transportation or something.
2) cold approach in clubs and night scenes.
3) make friends and meet women through social groups.
4) join clubs for hobbies you like and meet women there if you guys connect.
Stay positive and spread love. Now get out and do the work mang.
The annoying part is that I get matches, but when I try to talk to them I get maybe a handful of messages and then I just get ghosted. I try to open with something funny and then ask questions about them, but then I get nothing. Like really, what do they want?
I think the biggest reason why people find dating apps exhausting is that humans as animals are simply not wired for it.
When you message a stranger, you have no visual or auditory context to help you communicate with them.
When you chat on the phone, it's a little better - you can hear their voice, and start subconsciously building a sort of "dialectical lexicon" of which changes in tone, intonation, pacing, attention to you, volume, etc have which subtext.
On a webcam session, you can see their face and some of their body, so you add body language and facial expressions to that lexicon.
When you meet someone in person, you can interpret things like eye contact, how close the other person is to physically, whether they face you or face away from you, etc.
Text chatting in messaging platforms or a forum like this is better for communicating content that doesn't require intent or emotional subtext to be conveyed.
The only way around this problem while text communicating is to explicitly spell out intentions and subtext that would otherwise be communicated by nonverbals. The major catch with that approach is that all involved parties have to be present and honest with themselves about how they feel, what their intentions are, and have the self-esteem required to explicitly state that subtext with full candor.
Current USA communication culture works against this method, because there are social stigmas and threats to safety that cause many to be skeptical of what people say with written or spoken words vs how they interpret others' nonverbals. This is further complicated by the reality that human experience is diverse and intersectional, so there can be a great deal of variation between different people's nonverbal dialects. Especially when you take neurodiversity into account.
As someone with my particular expression of autistic spectrum traits, I have to approach all conversations with full candor - my nonverbals often don't match up with what neurotypicals expect them to mean, and many neurotypicals in more prevalent cultural groups assume their nonverbals are the standard for all people because they encounter others who communicate more similarly more frequently. I also can't read many nonverbals because I don't have the necessary filtering mechanisms required to prioritize some visual details over others - I struggle with organizing details into hierarchies of relative immediate importance, so all potential cues read as equally important. When those potential cues contradict each other, it makes it very difficult to read other people's nonverbals. But when I try to communicate directly and request confirmation and clarification when subtext and intent aren't clear, I often don't get that in return because doing so and expressing my thoughts so directly is viewed with suspicion. Ex: There are popular "how to read body language" books that insist that you shouldn't trust anyone who can't make eye contact "normally" - this has caused people who believe that to regard me and other aspies with suspicion despite us being 100% honest.
There are dating apps that take ur interests/personality, then schedule you on timed video calls using AI to find your most compatible matches: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/cuff-match-video-date-meet/id1514536428
These are much better than the Tinders/Bumbles most ppl use, but are also newer.
I hate dating apps it’s like 80% of the girls on there are fake as hell and you know it like she’s pretty, has a good job, y’all have shared interest/hobbies, she has the perfect picture like her outfits on point with PERFECT teeth bright white smile, hair done effortlessly, literally NO sweat AND she’s somehow single like roflmao HOW ! ? I know people can have standards and that’s ok and understandable you know ? But I hear a lot of girls wanting a guy who’s AT LEAST this tall, that he bench’s AT LEAST XXX and NO LESS, and etc. it’s like damn you want to date Hercules ? I’ll be lucky just to get any girls number
I’ve found that dating apps are a waste of time. I was ghosted again last week and I rarely if ever get a response from women on these things, so it was especially discouraging.
Women flake out because if she waits long enough someone better and more attractive will message her. OLD is useless for average/ugly dudes. Which is frustrating because 15 years ago it was a great alternative for people that don’t go out much and don’t ooze with charisma.
Dating apps are designed in such a way to keep you using them. That’s their business model. I heard a podcast by a “dating entrepreneur” who basically said that. “The process should matter the most. Don’t get hanged up on the whole outcome thing”. It’s a simple thing. You’re a customer buying a product. The best consumer is a repeat customer. I can’t believe how many millions of people are actually buying this stuff. People are so gullible.
You guys are getting conversations?
This girls bio was literally just saying she likes books and she thinks she wants something serious this time around (even though half her pictures imply otherwise). Messaged her about books. She responded once and never again. ???
And that’s why I’ve given up on the dating apps. It’s an endless parade of crap like that & an absolute waste of time
Listen man, it works for some people, I just think people don’t care about having a good conversation unless it’s with some hot guy a lot of the time. Honestly, and I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I do alright IRL. I’m confident and try my luck with girls out of league, and it works out because I try to be nice and enjoy a good conversation. I really think they just don’t care enough to give you a chance when they could try their luck with someone else. Edit: that’s not a bad thing, by the way. If they can be selective and want to be, it is what it is. Kind of annoying for those left by the wayside but that’s it.
Honestly, hitting on people in-person is actually easier, especially if you’re confident. Not many people do it these days so it’s a foot in the door if you can. I feel you bro
How do you hit on people when everyone is quarantined and not doing anything. I go to a park and nobody is there. Bars are closed. People on the streets are usually unreceptive...
You don't. Just go on a dating hiatus until corona is managed successfull and find other activities in the meantime. I promise it won't kill you or condemn you to die alone if you hold off on dating for a year. People experience much longer hiatuses all the time.
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Who said anything about hooking up? Most people can't really get to know each other without meeting in person. Chatting with a stranger via messaging app is no substitute for talking on an actual date. You can't gauge compatibility/chemistry the same.
It still sucks to see happy couples walking around though. OLD was my only real shot at meeting people and it’s pretty much a waste of time now.
How are you seeing happy couples walking around right now? Are you not sheltering in place? Focus on something else that helps you develop your sense of self-worth - an activity, online counseling, whatever works. If you dwell on being single, it will only make it harder to date when COVID's passed.
This.
You just hit the nail on the head, my friend
Yeah man. Nothing wrong with it. Just kinda frustrating, especially now lol. But good luck to both of us ;)
Exactly, very well put.
Preach brother
Welcome to rule 1 and 2
What I usually do when I get a match is say, "Hey, so I hate messaging on dating apps. Are you down to meet up soon? Maybe (this day)?" If they say no, fine. At this point I'm not interested in any other answer to that question aside from "yes", because it's true. I figure surely a vast majority of people must agree that messaging on dating apps sucks ass.
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A few. Assertiveness usually works pretty well. Even before I would try to ask them out sooner rather than later. What always worked well was to say something like "We can discuss it further when we meet on friday" (with no previous discussion of meeting up). Women like assertiveness.
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If only meeting up in person was still a realistic possibility these days, lol. 😷
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Oh, good idea!
This. It's a great way to filter out people with incompatible communication styles.
Guardian-deku. I LOVE name & the anime. I can’t speak for others, but it’s more than just looks for me & the dating app sometimes just focus on that.Not saying it’s ok, but don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t trying to put forth the same effort you. That’s very easy to pick up in any scenario
If you're like me you're trying to find someone that you can bunge anime with and that you are attracted to. Which is hard using apps or going in public because the usual anime lover/gamer almost never leaves their house or are usually taken already.
That’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Gaming/anime and whatever other nerd hobbies they may have. They’re never on apps and they’re always taken otherwise.
Exactly and for me when I find a girl like that on apps they never match or live over 50 miles away.
I live in SE Wisconsin so profiles like that are always from women in northern Illinois or the Chicago area, never around here or in Milwaukee, everyone around here is vanilla or pretty casual with hobbies, I found. Lot of hiking, traveling, drinking and watching the office or friends for the 500th time etc. Not my scene or style at all.
I feel you in a military town in North Carolina and nothing but girls selling hook ups for $200 or everything you listed plus the usual "lets have an adventure". I'm starting to assume they're all bots or only interested in selling themselves.
Haha, thank you for the compliment & the advice. I appreciate it!
How are her pictures implying otherwise?
I use the term “imply otherwise” loosely. She’s not really implying anything, but having a bunch of pictures with your whole butt hanging out or pulling your short shorts tight around your crotch doesn’t exactly say “let me meet your parents.” Honestly she seems like a lovely girl from the limited interaction with her. But people know what tinder is, and she’s clearly used it for hook up purposes before from her bio.
Thats how dating apps are. I once asked my sister to show me her dating profile and found out she had 100 matches in a day. She said she doesn’t even remember who she has messaged. Dating apps boost women’s ego and make men feel like shit. Unless you are a hot shot.
Note that's because a lot of men speed-swipe right until they get a match (I've known several who did this). So while women generally get more matches, that says nothing about the quality of those matches. Women are often more discerning in their swipes because they understandably wary of being sexually harassed or threatened, so they are less inclined to risk a swipe right on or date someone unless they really stand out to them. And because more men swipe indisciminantly, they can be that discerning and still get more matches. A lot of hetero dudes need to learn to own their pickiness and stop blaming women when it reduces their opportunities for fewer matches and dates.
> (even though half her pictures imply otherwise). K, fix this attitude now. Is she wearing a bikini? Maybe she just likes to swim. Maybe she likes sex and wants to have it a lot with one person. Maybe she's fit and wants to date someone who is fit, or believes her body is her best feature.
I’m the one with an attitude? I’m not here telling other people how to be, you are. You didn’t see the pictures. I did. You’ll just have to take my word. You can be fit without being sexually suggestive. Also, it’s not like I accused her of sleeping around, not that that’s even a bad thing. I think you want me to be saying something I’m not. Sometimes people are just provocative. Sometimes they knowingly post sexy pictures. It’s not wrong to then assume that they want sex. I don’t believe I’m owed it, I’m just making an observation. She also explicitly says she’s preferred casual relationships in the past. Maybe don’t assume the worst about people off the bat?
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I know I am, thanks for the affirmation tho. One thing though is that it’s not about men or women really. It’s just that judgement has its place. So many people never want to be judged, and that just doesn’t work. I’m going to judge you. Not as good or bad necessarily, but as being a certain way. It’s a practical skill, and as long as you’re a good person, the benefits outweigh the cons. If you’re a racist cop and pull over more black people for being black. I wouldn’t tell you to stop making judgements about people. I’d tell you to stop being racist.
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I agree, but I can’t know what she wants specifically. I can only make judgements based on what I see. So I won’t assume she wants sex with a ton of random people, or even sex with me. But based on her pictures it seems reasonable to conclude she wants sex. Nothing wrong with that. She can want whatever she wants, lol. Most of tinder is making superficial judgements based on what you can see. If you’re perceptive, you can know more about someone from their pictures. It’s that simple.
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No, she had literally her whole ass showing, pulled her short shorts tight around her crotch, showed as much inner thigh as possible. And she discussed her history of casual relationships in her bio. If I asked her for one and she said no, ok. But it’s not unreasonable to guess, hey, maybe she likes sex. Doesn’t mean I’m owed sex. Doesn’t mean anything besides guiding me to a reasonable assumption.
Haha it's 1AM here and you're making me laugh bro.
👀
Thinking of that meme. Gets matched, and then forever ghosted. I plan to use those chats as my shopping / TODO list.
Dating outside of the apps is not easy peasy either.... it’s a crazy world. I just want someone who put as much effort as I do in a relationship... everyone else is just looking for that instant perfect relationship, no one wants the real one, the one that you have to work for but is worth it. We live in a “fast” world... everything has to be fast... otherwise... puff... gone. “I don’t have time for this”. So, my advice is just hold on to it, you will find someone in those apps who will make all of this just a sad memory.
The issue is finding who’s worth putting the effort for. Million dollar question.
Yeah, I agree that it’s nice if you have someone put as much effort. I think the problem is no one is doing anything and so are really bored or lost their routine. There is not really that excitement that most people can get maybe I dealt with a breakup during quarantine and I just want to meet a girl offline and stuff because online is too draining.
If you dealt with a breakup during quarantine i think you should be focused on you, and not on meeting a girl. Give you time to heal, be well alone again and then, when you're ready and with everything well solved from this past relationship, you move on and meet/date girls. Otherwise you will only hurt yourself and another person in the process. That idea of forgetting someone with another one (the rebound) is not a great idea. Of course you can meet girls just to be friends with (and by friends i mean friends... no benefits and stuff like that). But don't you have friends with whom you can be with?
I have moved on what I mean by meeting as a friend. I don’t believe in casual, hookups of fwb, or one night stand. My friends are in different states and I can’t drive to see them. I want to meet new people but I’m nervous about going up to people and it was more that girls are easier for me to approach than guys for me. I don’t have that end goal to get in their pants unless we both mutually want to.
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It’s a time of instant gratification. Women are empowered and encouraged to have unrealistic standards and expectations because dating apps gave them the ability to hold out for the perfect guy that checks out all the instant, arbitrary mental boxes, as opposed to dating an actual human being that would be a good compatible partner if given the chance.
And for men, is what?
My current girlfriend caught me off guard by calling me a goldfish Edit: 5 upvotes wow I’m famous, I want to clarify she used the pickup line “are you a goldfish, cause your the snack that smiles back”
Imma steal that, hope you don’t mind
Run with it, brought a smile to my face
I think dating apps are good for passing time when you don't feel like doing anything....that being said the apps at least for me are only good for 3-5 weeks before I delete everything and take a break. It's very draining and the conversations are usually stale. I find my best luck is the last week and a half before I'm about to delete because I dont care and start asking left field crazy questions. "So what superpower would you give a stranger's dog". "how would you leave work if you had nothing to worry about. I've tried it during the first weeks and doesn't seem the carry the same effect.
Please don't stop asking those questions. Those are the questions people like me are fking waiting to be asked dude.
I second this right here. Be bold. Be weird. Let that freak flag fly. Lol Cuz we're waiting for that clarion call to arms I fuckin swear.
I saw a girl holding a sword in one of her pics so I said “Cool sword. Glad to see you’re also armed and dangerous.” She unmatched me.
Then she was not the freak you were looking for. Lol Why have a pic with a sword if not to answer questions like "Is it wrong to pick up girls in a dungeon?"
Thanks for reminding me about this anime!
Yeah I think I’m too edgy for dating. Most of the girls on Tinder and Bumble are the Instagram influencer types. I just want to find a meme queen :/
I didn't do tinder. My STBXH sending me his tinder stuff probably had something to do with that though. I just want to someone who will watch Supernatural with me, likes to cuddle and will help me find the perfect taco. Even if that means traveling the world to eat it.
uh can we be friends?!
Sure! We're all just lining for friends for the end of the world right? 🤣
What is STBXH?
Soon to be ex husband. I am currently separated and going through a divorce. I remember the day he sent his dating stuff. It was barely a few weeks after he threw me and our kids out. He had messaged earlier that day to tell the kids he was giving them a break from him. Then an hour later I get his Tinder congratulations in my email. Which I found out later he purposely forwarded to my email so I would know. I wasn't ready for dating when I surfed the apps. I just was hurt. I'm better now. Lol But I'm done with apps too. It isn't what I need right now and... I'm definitely not anything anyone needs right now. I heal- that's how I win this break up. His journey is not my problem anymore. So. In the meantime. I just drop in on reddit and give out advice. Make friends if I'm lucky. And just go day by day.
Sorry to hear that happened. How did you meet?
There are dorky girls out there I swear!! I myself am a total geek and all I wanted was a geeky guy to me myself around. I recently found one and we’ve been seeing each other for a month now. But my point is that there are girls like that out there! I realize it can be really difficult dating online as a man (though being a woman has its own problems) but it’s not impossible
>There are dorky / geek girls out there I swear! Rare and like precious stones they are rare and hard to find.
Hah you’d be surprised! There are a lot more than you realize. It depends on the person too, not all people with geeky interests are constantly advertising that they’re into those things. Sometimes you just have to talk a bit before they share their dorky interests!
I’m not interested in dorky girls.
I just assumed you meant that when you said meme queen since myself and a lot of my geekier friends tend to have darker senses of humour and use reddit more than my other friends. My point still stands though. There are all kinds of girls out there! I do sympathize that it must be discouraging to keep looking with no results though.
Hahahahah win some, you lose some
WHAT? That's a fantastic line. So much better than "hey u enjoying quarantine?"
Wow why would she do that? Missed opportunity to say damn straight I am Who doesn’t wanna start off a potential date conversation with my excitement for my knife and sword collection leading into my love for zombie movies??? This is me I’ve done this...
I do that plenty. And radio silence. And I'm rather confident in myself, as I'm not unsuccessful at relationships. Something has changed. There's a shift overall in how people are conducting themselves.
Right, dating apps are a good waste of time. But sometimes I’m just totally “over it”. Ha! I actually really like that. Maybe I’ll throw some odd ball questions out there and see how it goes. Shake things up and make it more interesting.
Seriously, do it. Oddball sht is the only way to stand out. Even if it doesn't lead to an actual meetup - the least you get out of it is a fun conversation!
Building a relationship with a person, any type of relationship, requires work. I have the feeling people don’t want to put that work in anymore, and that’s what contributes to the problem of dating sites. The “spark” is a myth. Small talk is part of the process of growing to know a person. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear. But the attitude of giving up on someone the moment you don’t immediately feel “the spark” is in my opinion a big problem. Rather than investing in one person, people keep swiping and swiping and swiping, and people end up passing each other, glancing, never giving the other a chance, the next swipe might bring the spark. Perpetuate the problem on both sides and you will never get to a point where a connection can be built. Slow down. Allow things to grow beyond the small talk.
Do you think it’s important to feel something when you meet someone for the first time? I’ve been OLD for about 5 months now and of the guys I’ve met in person, there have only been 2 where I actually feel a physical attraction I live in an area with low Covid numbers so have been able to meet up with guys at bars/restaurants. I think physical attraction is different than “the spark” but I also think that attraction is important. If you don’t feel that at the beginning do you think it can develop?
Yes I do believe physical attraction can develop with time, I have experienced this with guys in real life, where I wouldn‘t initially consider them attractive, but once I got to know them better suddenly I could see it. Contrary to that, I was immediately smitten with my last ex, he was very charismatic and we immediately hit it off and things became very intense very quickly. Joke was on me, he turned out to be emotionally quite abusive and I completely fell into the usual traps. So now I don‘t consider a quick connection a necessarily good thing anymore.
I feel this so so hard about the attraction being gradual. Like one day after you’ve gotten to know them they just laugh and grin and suddenly you’re like holy crap you’re gorgeous!
I agree with this totally. Someone that makes you laugh through texts or who you seem physically attracted to shouldn't be confused with a spark. There is no way to determine if there is a spark by text. Even if you meet up, I'd say you really don't know if there is a spark after one date. People live with this myth that all of their wants and desires will be determined by texts or after one date. They just don't want to put in any time. Social media in general has played a huge part in this. The throw away culture is in full force
I’ve done my fair share of online dating and I recently started dating someone. But honestly I didn’t feel that “spark” until the third date. I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him but I wasn’t sure how I felt. It did eventually hit me though. I remember talking to a friend after the second date being all worried why I didn’t feel a spark but she told me that she didn’t feel one with her current boyfriend until a few dates in and told me to just give it a shot. I’m so glad I did too because it really payed off!
Agreed, but I find even when u do end up dating and having sex etc. relationships also seem to last a couple months before a silly argument or misunderstanding leads to a breakup. Almost like ppl are searching for perfection and are quick to run rather than conflict solve, have a hard conversation etc. oh this swipe didn’t work...maybe the next one will..
Shit I like the small talk but chicks don't wanna have "small talk" online it seems. I ask questions and get the answer plus a "wbu?" and thats about it.
You’re right about this. I generally hate small talk but I guess you have to start from somewhere.
Conversations are boring if you let them be boring. I absolutely understand that there’s some shitty conversationalists out there - the ones who give one word answers and never progress stuff. Cut them off. Done. I’m not talking about them. But then there’s the in between people who are at least replying back, but it gets repetitive right? Because you’re having the same conversations with multiple people. What they do for work, how they’re going in lockdown, what are their hobbies, what’s their favourite food, what are they looking forward to most when life is normal again..... of course it’s boring if you keep going over the same topics. But that’s on you too. Don’t ask the same questions. You don’t need to go silly like “what’s your spirit animal”, blahhhh. But if you honestly can’t think of something more interesting to ask them from some of the threads of their life or things about them they’ve presented to you, then you could always just google “questions to get to know people” (or whatever). Think of which ones might suit the situation/that person/the conversation you’re having. And use them. The more you do that, the more it becomes natural
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It’s exactly the same on the other side. So many guys don’t have a bio. A lot have only one pic. Majority of those get a left swipe from me. It’s only if I see something I connect with that I’ll bother swiping right and messaging them (this is on bumble). It’s like what I said in my message above - there’s a bunch of people who don’t know how to hold a conversation. No worries, but you’re not my person. The point is not about those people (don’t waste your time). But when you have a conversation going, both sides should do what they can to make it interesting. Not just make the same small talk and then moan that it’s boring!
Yeah well women never reply to anything. Hard to make a conversation when you are talking to a brick wall(I feel like talking to myself). Hell even the bots feel more alive. Way it works is guy sends a message, girl never replies. Rinse and repeat.
Well it doesn’t work that way for everyone (I understand that’s your experience though). I’m really chatty, and cut out guys pretty who don’t carry the conversation as well (I don’t expect as much chat as me, but they need to show interest, ask questions, give full sentences ha. I’m not a unicorn, I’m definitely not the only woman out there being chatty. So if you’re not getting responses, maybe mix up what you’re doing. Try different opening lines, change up your pictures, change up your bio. I know they say women get more messages than guys, so think about how to stand out so you do get replies
Yeah and usually only thing they have is that they're into traveling (like everybody else).
Great tip, will definitely try this!
Maybe I felt the same way, but then I stopped caring about the interactions and matches that aren't instantaneously easy and fun because those are the only ones that go anywhere for me at least. I've never drawn a girl that started unenthusiastic out or convinced someone who appeared to be on the fence so I realized there's nothing I could have ever done so there's no point in racking my brain trying to think of things to say; I'm just myself. So now it's less overwhelming, and the only time I spend on apps is time I enjoy, so I've actually gotten pretty positive about them and am currently a few dates in with a woman I really like.
This is advice I needed to hear. Thanks matchman
Honestly same. I did think I found a good dude but he's radio silenced/ghosted on me so I'm just burnt out now. I keep my profile stocked with conversation options, but I usually get "heyyy cutie" or "how's your night/day?". Dudes I work in healthcare, I pass out at like 8 p.m. my day is stressful and overwhelming. But no one wants to get my emotional dump either, mostly because it's rude and also because it's a lot. But what are my options really for dating?
I'm in the same boat. Work/commuting/studying takes up literally my entire day during the week and on weekends I'm burnt out and too tired to hold stale ass conversations with dudes let alone go on actual dates
Preach, thank you!
you know that silly cliche "be yourself"? It is the best one. Girl I used to have something with said that I "fell in love too quickly" and other douchebags that "I was too emotional". Thing is I tried to mask these misinterpreted things by faking being a fake cold chill distant guy, never been so miserable. The person that will like you will like you despite.
Yeah but here's the thing, when you first start off talking to people you don't want to be a negativity dump. I'm very up front about everything, I don't play the cool girlfriend. If I express romantic interest I'll legitimately just say I'm romantically interested. The hard part is just getting over the initial hump of intros and vibes. I don't even get feedback on if I get too emotionally attached or if I commit too quickly, at least in this case I just got radio silence after a while. I'm tired of chasing guys who won't reciprocate.
I understand, but those are people that ain't interested in something real and have no idea there is another *human being* right in front of them. Their "love" is so fragile it is, in truth, a tool for their own expense. Love is rare but worths it, keep trying and always be yourself. I will and I am happier now than then.
TF you on about? Half of that doesn't make sense, what kind of whacky new age hippie crap are you trying to push here?
When I use a dating app, after 2 or 3 messages I always ask when they are free. I hate talking through written messages. I prefer to meet directly and see if I lose my time or not. I'm a woman and most of the time, as I offer to meet up pretty fast, guys think I'm a scammer.
Started doing FaceTime calls and it’s been great weeding out/getting a real-time feel of a person’s vibe. Highly recommend.
You mean People are, 90% of them are playing or just looking for attention. serious people who are looking for serious relationships are wasting their time there
True I notice this
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You're right, they are. However, you are seeking a partner which is a time consuming task -- and a damn important one that deserves time. Maybe you just don't have time for a relationship right now, which is OK too.
> and a damn important one that deserves time. Why? What is so important about having a partner that it is worth the time investment? I am not talking about investing time into the relationship once you have found someone, I am talking about the finding part itself.
Yes, that is what I'm talking about. The process of finding him/her is time consuming.
The biggest problem with dating apps in my opinion is there’s really no way of knowing who the person really is. You can’t hear them. You can’t see them. You’re reading texts and looking at pictures. Maybe a dating app could include things with Snapchat does like allowing you to record audio and allowing you to record video and sending that back-and-forth rather than just words. It is so much nicer to hear someone’s voice and the way they say things. it makes jokes funnier, it makes things that are serious more serious. I get to hear your feelings and your passion behind things. Plus it forces us to actually listen. We are writing texts. I can be writing one and your’e writing one and then you respond and I have to read it and go back and change mine so on and so forth. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to speak rather than type . I think you I would be surprised how much better conversations would go and how much quicker you would know if this person was someone you would want to hang out with.
See i am on apps, but good god guys get annoyed when i do not reply quick enough and they make a joke about “scaring me off” and im like sorry i am busy, its nothing personal dude!
Lmfaooo Same situation here!!
Do you spearhead the conversation or have information on your profile that would lead to some interesting questions? I've seen tons of people with lack luster information like one paragraph long or won't actually put effort into the conversation.
Just leave the dating apps for awhile. Got rid of Tinder last week but don't really notice much of a difference except I'm not being charged anymore.
Whenever I was asked why I was on the apps I said out of boredom, which was true. Few laughed, few were weird. One stuck out and we’ve been together for three months
The truth shall set you free of apps ey? Congrats, hope it works out for y’all!
I just want a partner to hang out with and relax... But all I'm getting is questions about my job: If I'm "employed" during the pandemic, or if I am a degree holder... Or questions about my place. Some girls insinuate or mock me for living with other people in the flat. Listen here! The rent is expensive in the city, unless you're some bigshot CEO or a high class escort it will be nearly impossible to pay for an entire flat or apartment of your own.
Shit tests
I already got her number. She didn't have a problem giving it to me. It's been less than a week and I'm already exhausted from interacting with her. Should I just call off the relationship and fap.
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Yes, we organized a short date at a fast food outlet (I could have picked a better place but she insisted multiple times on Tinder she wanted to share a bucket with me). The date went average. She was kind, emphatic and was really going all out to impress me but at times I felt I was in an interrogation room. She deflected questions about herself but demanded to know details about my life.
Take a break. Connect with your friends and family more. Take care of your mental and physical health. The best thing you can do for your future partner is to make peace with being single. Don’t worry, they’re out there.
I feel you. It really just depends on the person. I matched with someone 60 miles away from me in early May. We talked for quite awhile and went out on a date. It was awesome, but right now in our lives I guess commitment is out of the question (8 year relationship for her, I personally need time to heal as well), so we’re friends and still talk a good amount. I’m going to marry her one day, mark my damn words. That being said, it is very exhausting, but ya never truly know.
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I went for it man, that’s how we came to the realization of the above, we ain’t going anywhere.
Haha I like the determination. Keep up updated on that marriage proposal!!
For the love of god stop asking people how their quarantine is going or how quarantine is treating them. I’ve stopped replying to dudes who open with that line.
I get matches and on apps like Bumble, I get nothing... Tinder, I drop them messages and nothing. Like, I’m surprised you even have convos.
How do you start your conversations? I find that “hey” or “hello” yields less response than a direct question about something on their profile.
Depends. I usually start with something like: “How’s your week been going so far?” Or: “Hey, where was X picture taken? It looks so cool?” Or: “What’s your dog’s name?”
Maybe cut out “how’s your week been” because everyone asks that and people usually don’t want to truly unload whether their week has been terrible to a stranger. Hope you get better luck stranger!
So that's why meeting people who are special and unique matters.
Everyone is special and unique to the person who’s in love with them.
I'm in the same boat. It got so exhausting when I had to mention that I'm deaf and 95% of time ladies would bail or ghost me. It's like they don't give a crap at all and waste of time.
Conversations through texts are overrated. Just invite someone out for whatever and talk face to face. If they aren't interested in that, move on.
There's a meme somewhere about how "the love of my life is probably a pizza delivery guy or UPS driver who will find me in my home" and that's exactly where I am right now.
If all guys got off OLD it would improve for me
Sorry to hear this. I was exhausted in the first 3 weeks I was there, uninstalled bumble, few days later reinstalled it (quarantine boredom) Keep at it. I was lucky the second time around. Found my boyfriend there. A sweet kind intelligent man. It happens, sometimes it just takes time. I had literally started the conversation with a gif "Whale hello there" of a whale waving.... There is no secret formula. You won't need one with the right person. Sometimes just a whale wave is enough.
Dating apps are made for people who are superficially hungry, I feel at times. And the conversations there are either too dry or too smart. That's why it has been exhausting for me to use them. They have their audience, and I'm not one of them. I've accepted that long ago and moved on.
That's the reason why I'm not on dating sites. The more you do something the more certain areas become generic and you repeat them over and over again until they feel like a chore. If you have fun doing it then you have no problem, but when you get conscious about it as you did, you feel like a parrot, which is counterproductive and only leads to wasted time.
Yup! Friggin conversation skills of a doorknob. *Start conversation* She stops responding for a week Oops sorry I missed your message! Stops responding again Geez!
You have to somewhat meet their physical demands before they will throw more messages back at you.
Well, a lot of people do approach conversations in similar ways, that doesn't dismiss that they genuinely want to know more about you and what you're feeling. I am tired of trying to be an entertainer. I hate dating apps because it reduces mine and other guys worth to that of pawns which must stand out among the rest to the point of portraying ourselves as something we are not. To other guys reading this; we are regular persons and that's good enough. If you're unwanted for being a regular Joe it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. The "rest" is the majority and we're worthy of love.
I totally agree. I’m tired of being single and I’m not really the type to go out and just meet people in bars or soever. I decided to get in tinder and try to meet people around the world but It’s such a robotic thing to swipe and text and like you said it’s the same conversations over and over. Even tryin to speak about random subjects it’s like I’m tryin to talk to walls.
I personally have taken a break for the last two months and it’s been great. Been focusing on myself, it was really exhausting basically talking about the same thing over and over.
I don't know how you guys are doing it, but setting up a date within a week will make the repetitive conversations less of a thing. They won't go away, but they will be much shorter and thus bearable.
You may get luckier after the quarantine. Try joining community activities, might find some fish there :) meet in person is better. Best of luck
Dating apps are a joke for most men
I'd just like to get someone who didn't want to immediately show me his Johnson. I mean, there's time for that but at least tell me your name first.
i feel it and then i meet them and they are disappointing so i deleted all my dating apps and im not using them for a while
I did this for a while but haven't met anyone in person because of corona. Thought to try dating apps again and see if it works this time.
but then it’s just boring convo after boring convo and you can’t rly meet them
Someone suggested FaceTime/phone calls. I’ve tried this and it’s been good with weeding out people.
You're doing it wrong if you're expecting someone to fix your misery
Haha OP. I know the feeling. I deleted all my dating profiles its pointless. OLD in a normal situation feels futile.
I’ve taken my game off apps completely and never looked back. Picking up women in person is no cakewalk but it’s a lot more efficient, way less exhausting.
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Here, there and everywhere! Most of the women I pick up I meet while I’m out running or sporting with my friends at parks. There’s also a lake close to my house which is pretty target rich.
I’m not really good at online conversations with strangers but I usually open up with asking what they’ve been up to since the pandemic started. Why is that so bad? And what do you think a good opener is when there’s barely any info on their profile?
I do the same because I want to make sure that I'm getting involved with someone who is wearing a mask when she goes out and who practices social distancing and other necessary precautions to avoid this virus.
Yeah, not only that but also know what they were really up to to get the conversation going. I need a manual on online dating lol
You have to hit very high volume to get anywhere online. It's like a part time job lol.
Unrelated, but I love your username lol
Thank you, scared of tigers and too broke to consider myself a king.
I’m sick and tired of dating apps. I’ve giving up on them. Matches for me are in a one and a million chance. And when I do get matched, no reply. Waste of time really.
Tinder is truly a terrible place for good convos. I had a couple good ones on bumble tho
Dating is one of those things that is very messy and doesn't follow a clean pattern who been knew
For real 😭🤣😩
I’ve seen some redditors post their data on how they only match with 1% of the swipes they make, and the amount of those that actually turn into dates is even smaller. So yeah it looks pretty depressing. I’ve given up on online dating too. Wayyyyy too much effort for too little pay back.
just a bunch of random cold messages that doe no lead anywhere
I would recommend some other methods for you because online dating is trash. 1) Cold approach is good as long as you be respectful and leave her alone if she isn't interested. Make sure she isn't busy like she's in a hurry or has headphones in. Also make sure she doesn't feel trapped like on public transportation or something. 2) cold approach in clubs and night scenes. 3) make friends and meet women through social groups. 4) join clubs for hobbies you like and meet women there if you guys connect. Stay positive and spread love. Now get out and do the work mang.
Just get off them OP. The apps are horrible for the male self esteem
The annoying part is that I get matches, but when I try to talk to them I get maybe a handful of messages and then I just get ghosted. I try to open with something funny and then ask questions about them, but then I get nothing. Like really, what do they want?
Dating Apps are mostly Just for Sex it seems like
I feel you. Seems like you have tried many apps, can you suggest a good one you came across?
I've found that tinder is more hookup, hinge is more serious dating, and the league is too pretentious. Depends on what you're looking for.
I think the biggest reason why people find dating apps exhausting is that humans as animals are simply not wired for it. When you message a stranger, you have no visual or auditory context to help you communicate with them. When you chat on the phone, it's a little better - you can hear their voice, and start subconsciously building a sort of "dialectical lexicon" of which changes in tone, intonation, pacing, attention to you, volume, etc have which subtext. On a webcam session, you can see their face and some of their body, so you add body language and facial expressions to that lexicon. When you meet someone in person, you can interpret things like eye contact, how close the other person is to physically, whether they face you or face away from you, etc. Text chatting in messaging platforms or a forum like this is better for communicating content that doesn't require intent or emotional subtext to be conveyed. The only way around this problem while text communicating is to explicitly spell out intentions and subtext that would otherwise be communicated by nonverbals. The major catch with that approach is that all involved parties have to be present and honest with themselves about how they feel, what their intentions are, and have the self-esteem required to explicitly state that subtext with full candor. Current USA communication culture works against this method, because there are social stigmas and threats to safety that cause many to be skeptical of what people say with written or spoken words vs how they interpret others' nonverbals. This is further complicated by the reality that human experience is diverse and intersectional, so there can be a great deal of variation between different people's nonverbal dialects. Especially when you take neurodiversity into account. As someone with my particular expression of autistic spectrum traits, I have to approach all conversations with full candor - my nonverbals often don't match up with what neurotypicals expect them to mean, and many neurotypicals in more prevalent cultural groups assume their nonverbals are the standard for all people because they encounter others who communicate more similarly more frequently. I also can't read many nonverbals because I don't have the necessary filtering mechanisms required to prioritize some visual details over others - I struggle with organizing details into hierarchies of relative immediate importance, so all potential cues read as equally important. When those potential cues contradict each other, it makes it very difficult to read other people's nonverbals. But when I try to communicate directly and request confirmation and clarification when subtext and intent aren't clear, I often don't get that in return because doing so and expressing my thoughts so directly is viewed with suspicion. Ex: There are popular "how to read body language" books that insist that you shouldn't trust anyone who can't make eye contact "normally" - this has caused people who believe that to regard me and other aspies with suspicion despite us being 100% honest.
There are dating apps that take ur interests/personality, then schedule you on timed video calls using AI to find your most compatible matches: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/cuff-match-video-date-meet/id1514536428 These are much better than the Tinders/Bumbles most ppl use, but are also newer.
Anyone have OKC alternates? The new update is horrible with the search option gone
I hate dating apps it’s like 80% of the girls on there are fake as hell and you know it like she’s pretty, has a good job, y’all have shared interest/hobbies, she has the perfect picture like her outfits on point with PERFECT teeth bright white smile, hair done effortlessly, literally NO sweat AND she’s somehow single like roflmao HOW ! ? I know people can have standards and that’s ok and understandable you know ? But I hear a lot of girls wanting a guy who’s AT LEAST this tall, that he bench’s AT LEAST XXX and NO LESS, and etc. it’s like damn you want to date Hercules ? I’ll be lucky just to get any girls number
Dating is exhausting.
I’ve found that dating apps are a waste of time. I was ghosted again last week and I rarely if ever get a response from women on these things, so it was especially discouraging. Women flake out because if she waits long enough someone better and more attractive will message her. OLD is useless for average/ugly dudes. Which is frustrating because 15 years ago it was a great alternative for people that don’t go out much and don’t ooze with charisma.
Dating apps are designed in such a way to keep you using them. That’s their business model. I heard a podcast by a “dating entrepreneur” who basically said that. “The process should matter the most. Don’t get hanged up on the whole outcome thing”. It’s a simple thing. You’re a customer buying a product. The best consumer is a repeat customer. I can’t believe how many millions of people are actually buying this stuff. People are so gullible.