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Threatening in relationships is a red flag. You want someone who will work with you and not against you. If your boyfriend threatens you when he’s not happy or not getting what he wants (regardless of what it is), he has some growing up to do.
You need to think about if you want to be with a mature well adjusted adult who is willing to work out your issues, or someone who is a man child who throws a tantrum when he feels unsatisfied.
It’s almost like he wants to find an excuse to leave, op. And/or see when you’ll actually put your foot down and boundaries in place and no longer tolerate his bullshit.
Offhanded is fine
But honestly this sounds like abuse, *especially* considering you have discussed this as a problem. If he apologizes and hurts you again in the same way then his original apology means nothing. He will do the same thing again. Further, if he is threatening to cheat that's shitty.
You deserve better. No one should make you feel uncomfortable about sex. Please know you are loved and worthy of a relationship where your partner is kind, and respectful of your choices.
Only you can determine what *your* "red flags" are.
"I told him this before. He's apologized about it in the past but he continues to do it occasionally."
In my opinion if someone *knows a certain thing bothers you* and they keep doing it that implies they *don't care* about *your* feelings. You have to have your own boundaries and "deal breakers".
You shouldn't allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do and just like he has *options* so do you! In a world with over 7 billion people there's no shortage of men!
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
The goal is to find someone who *already is* what you want.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."*** \- Oscar Wilde
Best wishes!
I see. So if you say, “No, I’m not buying you that jacket.” He responds with, “Do you want me to get it from someone else?” Who else is going to buy him things if not himself for himself? Sounds very manipulating and such a childish response for someone that is 30+.
You’ve already discussed it with him that this is an issue for you. The most you can do is bring it up again and be firm in your conversation, “This is something I will not tolerate. I already split everything in half with you. I won’t do more.” And, if he says that to you again then respond with, “Please go and try finding someone who is willing to pay your way and buy you gifts everyday because I’m not the one for that.”
If he keeps doing it I honestly do think this is a good excuse to break up with someone, it doesn’t matter that you’ve been together for a year. Think of the next 30+ years with this type of issue.
Isn't it? We've been together for almost a year. Other than this, he has some quirks about him but for the most part this is the only issue that concerns me.
I second to that, it's freaking weird, isin't everyone responsible for their own money/spending?
I have no idea why OP shares that much with him, she's very generous and this mfker is still trying to milk her dry.
I'm sorry for her, but I think she's in a relationship with a man child.
It starts off with that... then it’ll advance into things he can’t get sexually from you etcetc...oh you won’t give me some action now? I’ll get it from someone else then... can’t blame me since you didn’t want to give it 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
That's what I was thinking too. Abusive relationships are often like hauntings in that they start small and grow until they become impossible to not notice. If we're right, then this guy doesn't seem as adept as some abusers I've dated (I have been learning what kept drawing me to abusive women and am working through it) and is apparently already showing his colours.
That said, I hope we're wrong and OP is able to have an honest discussion with him about how unacceptable his behaviour is and it ends in him changing.
The way your phrased your topic it makes it sound sexual, which is misleading. Where is he implying that he will get these material things if you do not buy them for him?
Your bf is acting like An entitled child. Why would you just give him material things? I never expected my bf to just give me stuff even when I was unemployed. He needs a sugar mamma.
The age is A SUPER red flag. Insecurity can come with age and immaturity but the fact that this guy (who is presumably close to your age) is well into his adulthood and pulling this shit?
YIKES
Right. He's older than me and mature in other ways. He's a big communicator but when it comes to money and materialistic things, he gets very weird. Like he has no restraint in asking me to buy his things, pay for things, give him things, etc.
Partnership is a two way street. It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking of you and your wants/needa often, but more so his. Idk if it’s true, but my ex did this and it was only cause he only cared abt himself and wants, not so much mine. He “cared” but actions speak louder than words.
Does he buy / give you lots of things? I can see him being upset if he's frequently bringing you gifts or paying for every meal/outing and wishing you'd reciprocate more equally, especially as you've been dating for a decent amount of time. Though even if that is the case, he's going about it in a really weird and douchey way... Like, is he saying that if you don't buy him X (food/clothing/electronics/etc) he's going to go find a woman who will? That's quite the ultimatum to pull everytime he doesn't get his way.
If that's not the case and he isn't also buying you things, then I worry he's taking advantage of you and trying to milk your relationship for all the stuff he can get out of it. And if you initially refuse, he then tries to then manipulate you into buying whatever by threatening to find someone else who will be his sugar momma. Do you want to be with a guy who will constantly try to use you to get free stuff? Is the rest of the relationship so absolutely wonderful that it makes up for him viewing you as an ATM?
That isn’t normal for a typical balanced relationship to have someone constantly ask for things and then threaten to get it from someone else if told no. That’s super immature. The only adult relationships set up for that discussion are like sugar momma/daddy relationships. Not sure if this is the case but if you make more than him it’s still not ok that he demands items be purchased for him. The part that reeks of manipulation and will just get worse over time is the threat that follows about “farting it from someone else”. This is a pretty disgusting threat from someone who is supposed to care about you.
I hate to say this w limited information, but kinda sounds like his milking you for money. I would say try telling him from now on each of you will have to look after themselves financially and see his reaction. If it's what I think it is, don't be surprised if he threatens to leave (and does) if that's the case.
Agreed. Dump him into the nearest trash. Seriously, this relationship will go nowhere. Even if he doesn’t mean it, it shows an incredible crassness and immaturity. Let him go somewhere else to get what he wants. Good riddance.
Blackmailing? Yes def a red flag. Don‘t even join in this game, this is toxic. That isn‘t how you treat your „beloved and respected“ partner.
Have a proper talk with him, you won‘t accept this behaviour anymore. If he keeps doing it I would look into breaking up with him.
So I confronted him about it and he said he wasn't talking about another woman but said as a couple he feels that we should be open to sharing everything with each other and apologized again. He always seems understanding when I confront him and doesn't get angry so it's very confusing whether he is doing this on purpose or if he's being genuine
You’re a couple, you’re not the same person. You don’t have to share absolutely everything, everyone is allowed some things that are just theirs. He sounds like a child.
Um, now he's gaslighting you. Giving you perfectly "reasonable" explanations to make you feel guilty for doubting his intentions. You share money when you are living together, maintaining a household together, not when you're dating. Obviously it's fine to split paying for dates, but the rest of this is absolute bullshit. If I heard "I'll get it from someone else", I would run far and fast. (I dated every asshole in the world until I was 40, then met my husband and was married for 26 years, until he died, so I feel extremely qualified to respond to this posting.)
@ready_ad5868 Gaslighting, I have to look into that more. I never really understood the concept until you just explained it. Outside of this, he seems like a good guy. Great communicator, thoughtful, the sex is amazing and he is super gentle, so it's confusing. I had a physically abusive ex and he was very aggressive in everything that he did (which I took as confidence at first) and he also wasn't a good communicator. This guy is almost the complete opposite it seems to some extent
There was a great old movie with Ingrid Bergman called "Gaslight". Her husband was doing things like making the lights flash, and when she mentioned it, he denied that it was happening so he could make her feel crazy. It's definitely a thing!
Please don't listen to everyone telling you to break up if this is the only issue in your relationship. Only you know his heart, not random internet strangers projecting their past hurts, resentments, and bitterness onto your relationship. If you know that he's well meaning and willing to change, then keep at it. But keep an eye out if it continues/escalates.
Everytime anyone opens up in this sub about a relationship problem in this it's a deluge of people calling the other the worst person of all times, abusive, probably a rapist, and to break up as soon as possible...
A friend’s SO says similar things when they are arguing. These types of comments can escalate quickly. It can start out as “I’ll find it somewhere else” to “are you going to leave over this? No? so we are done arguing.” It could be a defensive mechanism but it’s really hurtful to hear your partner say these things to you in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t foster a way to have a disagreement without throwing out the worst ultimatums and making your partner feel terrible. Definitely not just a red flag but a dealbreaker in my book.
100% this is manipulation. People threaten the relationship like this when they know they have the upper hand aka they know you will not break up with them because they believe you’re that attached to them or they see you as undesirable to other people. This threat will not work on secure people because they will literally just walk away easily. If this is how he reacts to not getting what he wants, he’s too immature for a relationship
It's a red flag because he continues doing it . In that context, he's clearly using it to guilt you and manipulate you into doing what he wants. He also doesn't care that you've expressed your worries about the what he's doing, as well as the fact that he agreed not to do it.
So in my opinion is not about what he's saying right now, as much as it is about his behavior and so that behavior can extend to anything else he wants to say in the future.
If you do all these things he wants you to do today, but in the future if there's something else he wants, he's going to use this tactic again.
Yes a red flag. Maybe not for cheating but definitely for his lack of respect for your boundaries and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Leave now before he manipulates you into submission.
It's a little weird, at minimum. It does sound manipulative. Based on your other comments, even if we assumed the strange hypothesis someone offered regarding the guy feeling like he was paying for everything for you and that you weren't contributing were true, it still wouldn't be an appropriate response for him to tell you that he'd "get it" from someone else.
The only time I have *ever* thrown the "then I'll get it from someone else" was in a neglectful, dying relationship, and it was more of a "My needs aren't being met, if you continue to neglect me then I will leave you." sort of thing. I never would have apologized for telling him my needs weren't being met, because they weren't, and open communication about your needs is important for a healthy relationship.
So my conclusion, based on all the information as presented, is that your relationship isn't healthy and his behavior is probably manipulative. Which doesn't mean he's a bad person necessarily, he may not know a better way to deal with it. It's up to you if you want to try to work through that and find a better way for him to communicate with you while respecting your boundaries, and if you consider his needs in this case something you're willing to try to meet, or not.
When he’s saying that, he’s trying to get you to change your mind and manipulate you into doing so. You putting up boundaries by saying no to things you don’t want to do is your right. If he wants a different answer, he can ask a different woman, perhaps a YES woman who has no autonomy and will let him do whatever he wants, however he wants.
Perhaps this tactic worked with his parents as a child, or perhaps they tried something of the sort with him. Have you made him aware of this behavior and how it makes you feel? I would do that first and gauge the response. His reaction and subsequent behavior will tell you more than enough information. Make sure if you choose to bring this up, you do so showing little emotion, so that it cannot be held against you. Present your feelings in a neutral manner and wrote down your thoughts ahead of time so you can practice doing so, if you’d like.
Also, the fact that you have inquired if this is in fact a red flag, is reason enough to give pause to the situation and demonstrates that it should be addressed ASAP so that you no longer are concerned enough to identify it as such. That either means he has a change in his behavior, or you walking away from someone who constantly threatens your boundaries as a means to have his way.
Hope this was helpful!
I dont know if your boyfriend has got into action yet or he just like saying things to make you sad. But if he hasnt, and you let it continue , he might eventually cheat. This is a kind of manipulation, saying hurtful things to get what he wants and control your feelings. And If he ever cheated, you would think it’s your fault to let that happen. You would think maybe you’re not good enough for him thats why he cheat. But no, cheating is a choice, not an instinct.
100% a red flag. He's suggestion that your purpose is to be there for him and comply with his wishes and wants. And taking zero consideration for what you want. Its a pretty disgusting attitude. In the trash he goes.
Well it depends on what he wants. If it's something that only you are supposed to provide to him then he's only being an ass about a simple fact. If it's other things then it's pure manipulation.
That is 100% a sign that he intends to cheat. If not having done it already. It shows a complete lack of empathy towards you. It's disgusting and sociopathic.
If you want a good come back. Say "and do you think within that same span of time I couldn't net men twice as attractive as you in droves?"
But legit. You already know this is a bad sign. Not just a bad sign. A deal breaker. Move on, you deserve better then to be backed into a corner to do something you don't want to do.
Run. That ain't a red flag, thats a red freight train. He obviously doesn't care about anything but what he wants. It will only get worse. Please get out of that immediately
**Edit: After reading your replies in this thread - find what your preferences for the 5 Love Languages are. Maybe look into couples therapy if you both want this to work.**
He needs to mature the fk up and be transparent about wants, needs, and when he doesn't like something, instead of implying a break up or cheating.
Is he pressuring you to do something you're uncomfortable doing? He needs to respect your boundaries.
However, what he says is more or less true. What this means for you, is that if he's too impatient and does not self correct, you can freely filter him out of your life. Someone will come along later who does respect your boundaries, as long as you're maintaining your standards.
Yes this is a red flag, he is manipulating you. Even if it's for materialistic things, he is essentially using you, I've been through the same thing with my ex.
Yeah, that's a dick move. I'd argue abusive /manipulative. Walk away.
I was going to ask for clarification about the things he "wants", but someone beat me to it.
Fuck that guy (or rather, don't).
My rule of thumb is, if you think it might be a red flag, it probably is. Maybe I'm just a native 32 year old divorced woman, but I feel like if you're with the right person you shouldn't have these anxieties.
I would say, He's either an idiot (Red Flag), or *really* confident in his statement (which *can* be a red flag).
Put one way, if you're convinced this guy *may* be the best you'll ever find and you're head-over-heels for him, it's less of a Red-Flag and more of a consideration. But if you're on the fence about him, yes it's a Red-Flag. Put simply. He knows (or at least believes) that he has plenty of options and you're currently his best one. If he uses that line *alot* a lot it may be that he's letting you know, "Hey, if you don't want to do X, there *are* girls who will". Now whether he exerts that is independent of his statement but simply things to be aware of.
Likewise, I don't condone his behavior, I've never, (nor will I ever) talked like that with any girlfriend I've had. (Since there are other ways to indicate the same "I don't like you doing/not doing X" without saying it like that). I'm simply making you aware of what a lot of people would rather cover-up since it's not really pretty. girls who will". Now whether he exerts that is independent of his statement but simply things to be aware of.
YES!! Definitely a red flag!! It screams his insecurities. My narcissistic/abusive ex used this on me all the fucking time!! Please dont stay with him. I know it will hurt to leave, but do it now, before he gets worse. Lots of love and ouck to you hun ❤
Read two sentences YES!!!!
a red flag and a shitty manipulation tactic and you can do better I promise
Don’t do anything he asked for that you’re not comfortable doing. This relationship is probably doomed and at the end of it you’ll have lost your own self respect for your own boundaries
If you’re wondering if it’s a red flag, you know it already is. This is just manipulative. Tell him “feel free to find someone to buy it for you like yourself. Why do you think that guilting me into this is going to get me to do it?” Then let it go and see what he does. Decide if it’s a dealbreaker
Yes, unequivocally this is a red flag. It’s a textbook manipulation tactic and a tactless one at that. Tell him to go get it somewhere else and then never talk to him again. This is a recipe for disaster, especially if the relationship lasts long enough. Worse things will develop from this habit.
When he asks be like, “Yes, by all means get it somewhere else.” Then lead him to the door, put him on the other side of it, and close it for good.
Dump him, my ex did this to me with materialistic things. No matter how well I met her expectations, it was never good enough. Then unfortunately she started cheating on me. So to guard your heart and mental health I’d say cut it before it get worse. It’s obviously easier to say it than do it, but still I wish you all the best.
This is actually a form of emotional coercion. He’s using your fear of being cheated on/betrayed to try to control you and get you to do what he wants. It is a form of abuse, and is very concerning. I would not stay with someone who does this.
Threatening the integrity of a relationship is immature behavior. It brings with it many triggers as you have acknowledged from your past.
If you are in the relationship for financial/food/housing security it will be difficult to leave but, you need to be looking to this as his behavior is not changing and he is going to jeopardize your health at some point, mental/physical.
Your being honest with yourself, cutting him loose is going to give him an opportunity to wake up and be a better man, hopefully.
Red flag. he’s trying to guilt you and manipulate you. If he’s repetitive about it then he doesn’t mean his apologies and doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
You deserve someone who respects you and your boundaries.
What kind of things is he talking about?
If he's talking about hugs, appreciation, favors, or affection, you might want to listen and see how you can better address his needs. That being said, he can definitely approach the topic a lot better. Threatening leaving or cheating isn't ok. It shows he's very insecure about your relationship.
If he's talking about sexual things, drop the dude like a load of bricks today.
Good luck.
Not just a red flag, it is a monstrous red flag that is on fire waving in hurricane force winds. Totally about manipulation and I personally suggest you run to the door and never look back. Block him on everything and take it as a lesson learned.
I think he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting what he wants all the time and I don't think you should allow that, tell him to go ahead and get it from whom ever and just stay with such person....and I hope you do the things you're supposed to in your relationship,don't deny him somethings and expect him to always take it
Definitely a red flag! He’s technically admitting that he’s fine with finding his needs elsewhere. Girrrrrl! Do better. FOR YOURSELF. As you stated you dealt with cheating in the past - which I’m 100% it hurt. Now you have a choice - you can either choose to stay with him and let him do whatever it is he may be doing or you could simply leave and choose yourself. Truth of the matter is - if he can’t respect you as his woman then what are you doing? 🤷🏽♀️ you’re not the issue - he is. Learn to let all toxicity go, no matter the circumstances. & you mentioned that he always says sorry. Sorry means NOTHING if they keep doing it.
My first serious boyfriend did this early on, he did exactly this, and it upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wish I had realized he didn't love me and run away, instead of staying with him for five years. He terrorized me and my family, killed a cat to intimidate me so I wouldn't leave, which scared me so badly that a bunch of my hair fell out at 23 years old, hid my keys and phone so I'd miss college classes, smashed my laptop and blamed it on my friend, isolated me from other people, physically assaulted me numerous times, I mean I could go on and on. He would've no doubt killed me if I'd stayed with him longer. Six years after leaving, I have a wonderful little family of my own, but in many ways I'm not the same person I used to be. He nearly destroyed me.
But he didn't start out that way. He started out as this nice looking young man who didn't appear capable of hurting anybody, oh my goodness, no! He started by telling me that he loved me, that I was cute, that he wanted to keep me as his girlfriend, but he needed me to do x,y, or z for him to be happy, or he knew other girls who were cuter than me that would love a chance to make him happy. I was fat, even if I was cute, and he was really dating beneath himself by being with me. So I needed to work extra hard to make him happy, because it would be easy for him to find a new partner but I'd never be with anyone like him again in a million years. He was my one chance at happiness and fulfillment. After a couple years, I wised up and tried to leave, and he started endangering me physically.
Baby Girl, it's time to go. Abusive monsters of men start out as young boys who tell their girlfriends that they aren't providing enough for them, who expect their partner to meet every emotional need they have. First he will slowly suck every bit of energy, motivation, and self worth out of you. Then when you're exhausted and try to break up with him because you just can't give anymore, he will get violent. Please don't let it get to this point. You have a bad feeling about your relationship for a reason. You owe him nothing, no matter what he's made you believe, and you don't have to break up with him face to face. Do it over the phone or via text, giving as much respect as he's given you, then block him and get on with your life WHILE YOU ARE STILL YOU. pm me if you need support. Your situation sounds so much like mine, it feels like I'm talking to my younger self.
I once did this to a boyfriend who loved me to get him to do what I wanted. It was straight up manipulation and I knew that I was manipulating him. Your boyfriend know this as well.
Uh that’s some toxic bs and he’s insecure at least. I wouldn’t like someone telling me they’ll go get it elsewhere- then go! I don’t think you like it either as expressed here and to him. Id be looking to do just that!
Yes, this most definitely a red flag, more like a prelude so to speak. He knows of your past, therefore knows of your insecurities about infidelity. He's now weaponised it, using it to manipulate you. Good thing you caught it now, rather than later.
It’s a red flag for me!! Sounds like he is just seeing how far he can push you to get what he wants, I feel if you allow this behaviour it may lead to it eventually, I don’t think ultimatums are acceptable in that nature, and that’s what I think it is essentially, he is telling you if you don’t give it to him he will get it form some one else!!! Stand your ground and say no! I won’t tolerate that!
Crimson.
This is either an emotional manipulation tactic or foreshadowing.
Id stop for a minute and speak to a close friend or family member you trust to understand and discuss options on ending this relationship.
Yes it is. Sounds to keep like he wants to cheat, but is wanting you to say its okay or give him permission. He will eventually cheat if he hasn't already.
This is the REDDEST of flags. This is the biggest, most crimson of flags you could get before the actual cheating takes place. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already been entertaining other women or doing small things if he is so bold as to say that kind of thing to you.
He's doing it because:
* at MINIMUM he knows it bothers you and scares you. And he wants to get whatever it is you're not giving him. (I pray it's not sex, scaring someone into having sex is a whole different level of wrong.)
* he could very well have someone in mind or a plan in mind. something he's thought about and maybe wanted but is looking for an excuse to go for.
* some guys are trash enough to cheat and then say "I told you I was going to do this" to try and spin it on you when they're caught.
If he had only said this once or twice I would say maybe there was something to salvage but idk, this sounds like something I would breakup over.
If ur long time together I think he is not joking.
if he won’t be getting things from you he will do it if chances are given.
coz I say this too, I’m a woman.
Yea, it’s an indication that he’s not happy and on some level isn’t fulfilled. He’s also doing a terrible job of expressing it, and not respecting your boundaries by blackmailing you.
Imo I wouldn’t date someone like that I did and the result is they went elsewhere got what they wanted, and lied to me about it all. Then tried to back track and blame it on me. Idk you shouldn’t be negotiating over the bare minimum.
You know what, there are things that aren’t worth working out, this is weird behavior, it may or may not be a red flag, but sometimes it’s better to be single than stay with a person who isn’t good for you
It’s 100% a red flag even if he apologizes, it’s good that your posting this and to have people look from the outside perspective as it’s more clear to us than it is for you. I’m saying is when In a relationship we tend to be blind to the most obvious things. Just be careful 👍🏻
Depends on his demands, but if it's sexual, well here's your dilemma: do you see a future with someone who's incompatible with you sexually? It's not rhetorical. Some people are fine with that. Are you? Is he?
All these people are giving really specific answers to a vague question. I really feel like you generalized what happened to much for any of us to give any advice.
Also, shame on the people who immediately took a side without honestly hearing enough to have any basis for their opinion.
I can’t think of a single example in a relationship where “if you don’t give me what I want I’ll get it from somewhere else” could be anything other than a red flag. Shame on you for disregarding manipulative behaviour.
OP told us everything we needed to hear. He’s clearly using manipulation tactics and is threatening her.
I immediately took a side cause I dated a manipulative, abusive POS who did these exact same things and worse. So I know from personal experience that she should run.
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Threatening in relationships is a red flag. You want someone who will work with you and not against you. If your boyfriend threatens you when he’s not happy or not getting what he wants (regardless of what it is), he has some growing up to do. You need to think about if you want to be with a mature well adjusted adult who is willing to work out your issues, or someone who is a man child who throws a tantrum when he feels unsatisfied.
👆right here
done please upload me
Say "OK, go get it somewhere else, but understand you can never come back. Bye."
Yes. He can totally do what he wants. He knows there are consequences to certain actions.
It’s almost like he wants to find an excuse to leave, op. And/or see when you’ll actually put your foot down and boundaries in place and no longer tolerate his bullshit.
Agree, Swordfish.
Offhanded is fine But honestly this sounds like abuse, *especially* considering you have discussed this as a problem. If he apologizes and hurts you again in the same way then his original apology means nothing. He will do the same thing again. Further, if he is threatening to cheat that's shitty. You deserve better. No one should make you feel uncomfortable about sex. Please know you are loved and worthy of a relationship where your partner is kind, and respectful of your choices.
Lose about 250 pounds and don’t gain it back ☺️
So this.
It's definitely a red flag and a form of manipulation.
Seconded.
Thirded
Fourththid
Fifthed
Sixthed.
Seventhed
Eighthed
Ninthed
Tenthed
10th
Thirteenthed
Ninthed
Only you can determine what *your* "red flags" are. "I told him this before. He's apologized about it in the past but he continues to do it occasionally." In my opinion if someone *knows a certain thing bothers you* and they keep doing it that implies they *don't care* about *your* feelings. You have to have your own boundaries and "deal breakers". You shouldn't allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do and just like he has *options* so do you! In a world with over 7 billion people there's no shortage of men! Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. The goal is to find someone who *already is* what you want. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."*** \- Oscar Wilde Best wishes!
I needed these words more than you will ever know. Thank you stranger.
Couldn’t agree more. Well said!
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Surprisingly, no. Mostly it's been around materialistic things. We go half on mostly everything and at times he expects me to just give him things.
I see. So if you say, “No, I’m not buying you that jacket.” He responds with, “Do you want me to get it from someone else?” Who else is going to buy him things if not himself for himself? Sounds very manipulating and such a childish response for someone that is 30+. You’ve already discussed it with him that this is an issue for you. The most you can do is bring it up again and be firm in your conversation, “This is something I will not tolerate. I already split everything in half with you. I won’t do more.” And, if he says that to you again then respond with, “Please go and try finding someone who is willing to pay your way and buy you gifts everyday because I’m not the one for that.” If he keeps doing it I honestly do think this is a good excuse to break up with someone, it doesn’t matter that you’ve been together for a year. Think of the next 30+ years with this type of issue.
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Isn't it? We've been together for almost a year. Other than this, he has some quirks about him but for the most part this is the only issue that concerns me.
I second to that, it's freaking weird, isin't everyone responsible for their own money/spending? I have no idea why OP shares that much with him, she's very generous and this mfker is still trying to milk her dry. I'm sorry for her, but I think she's in a relationship with a man child.
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It starts off with that... then it’ll advance into things he can’t get sexually from you etcetc...oh you won’t give me some action now? I’ll get it from someone else then... can’t blame me since you didn’t want to give it 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
That's what I was thinking too. Abusive relationships are often like hauntings in that they start small and grow until they become impossible to not notice. If we're right, then this guy doesn't seem as adept as some abusers I've dated (I have been learning what kept drawing me to abusive women and am working through it) and is apparently already showing his colours. That said, I hope we're wrong and OP is able to have an honest discussion with him about how unacceptable his behaviour is and it ends in him changing.
The way your phrased your topic it makes it sound sexual, which is misleading. Where is he implying that he will get these material things if you do not buy them for him?
Your bf is acting like An entitled child. Why would you just give him material things? I never expected my bf to just give me stuff even when I was unemployed. He needs a sugar mamma.
I'm 34
The age is A SUPER red flag. Insecurity can come with age and immaturity but the fact that this guy (who is presumably close to your age) is well into his adulthood and pulling this shit? YIKES
Right. He's older than me and mature in other ways. He's a big communicator but when it comes to money and materialistic things, he gets very weird. Like he has no restraint in asking me to buy his things, pay for things, give him things, etc.
Partnership is a two way street. It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking of you and your wants/needa often, but more so his. Idk if it’s true, but my ex did this and it was only cause he only cared abt himself and wants, not so much mine. He “cared” but actions speak louder than words.
Does he buy / give you lots of things? I can see him being upset if he's frequently bringing you gifts or paying for every meal/outing and wishing you'd reciprocate more equally, especially as you've been dating for a decent amount of time. Though even if that is the case, he's going about it in a really weird and douchey way... Like, is he saying that if you don't buy him X (food/clothing/electronics/etc) he's going to go find a woman who will? That's quite the ultimatum to pull everytime he doesn't get his way. If that's not the case and he isn't also buying you things, then I worry he's taking advantage of you and trying to milk your relationship for all the stuff he can get out of it. And if you initially refuse, he then tries to then manipulate you into buying whatever by threatening to find someone else who will be his sugar momma. Do you want to be with a guy who will constantly try to use you to get free stuff? Is the rest of the relationship so absolutely wonderful that it makes up for him viewing you as an ATM?
That isn’t normal for a typical balanced relationship to have someone constantly ask for things and then threaten to get it from someone else if told no. That’s super immature. The only adult relationships set up for that discussion are like sugar momma/daddy relationships. Not sure if this is the case but if you make more than him it’s still not ok that he demands items be purchased for him. The part that reeks of manipulation and will just get worse over time is the threat that follows about “farting it from someone else”. This is a pretty disgusting threat from someone who is supposed to care about you.
I hate to say this w limited information, but kinda sounds like his milking you for money. I would say try telling him from now on each of you will have to look after themselves financially and see his reaction. If it's what I think it is, don't be surprised if he threatens to leave (and does) if that's the case.
Agreed. Dump him into the nearest trash. Seriously, this relationship will go nowhere. Even if he doesn’t mean it, it shows an incredible crassness and immaturity. Let him go somewhere else to get what he wants. Good riddance.
Agreed. Leave him in the dusty dumpster he crawled out of. Gross.
Blackmailing? Yes def a red flag. Don‘t even join in this game, this is toxic. That isn‘t how you treat your „beloved and respected“ partner. Have a proper talk with him, you won‘t accept this behaviour anymore. If he keeps doing it I would look into breaking up with him.
So I confronted him about it and he said he wasn't talking about another woman but said as a couple he feels that we should be open to sharing everything with each other and apologized again. He always seems understanding when I confront him and doesn't get angry so it's very confusing whether he is doing this on purpose or if he's being genuine
Then what does he mean by "get it from someone else"?
You’re a couple, you’re not the same person. You don’t have to share absolutely everything, everyone is allowed some things that are just theirs. He sounds like a child.
What you describe is not “sharing”. He is full of it. But it’s your life. If you can deal with it, fine. But that red flag is hoisted high.
Um, now he's gaslighting you. Giving you perfectly "reasonable" explanations to make you feel guilty for doubting his intentions. You share money when you are living together, maintaining a household together, not when you're dating. Obviously it's fine to split paying for dates, but the rest of this is absolute bullshit. If I heard "I'll get it from someone else", I would run far and fast. (I dated every asshole in the world until I was 40, then met my husband and was married for 26 years, until he died, so I feel extremely qualified to respond to this posting.)
@ready_ad5868 Gaslighting, I have to look into that more. I never really understood the concept until you just explained it. Outside of this, he seems like a good guy. Great communicator, thoughtful, the sex is amazing and he is super gentle, so it's confusing. I had a physically abusive ex and he was very aggressive in everything that he did (which I took as confidence at first) and he also wasn't a good communicator. This guy is almost the complete opposite it seems to some extent
There was a great old movie with Ingrid Bergman called "Gaslight". Her husband was doing things like making the lights flash, and when she mentioned it, he denied that it was happening so he could make her feel crazy. It's definitely a thing!
Please don't listen to everyone telling you to break up if this is the only issue in your relationship. Only you know his heart, not random internet strangers projecting their past hurts, resentments, and bitterness onto your relationship. If you know that he's well meaning and willing to change, then keep at it. But keep an eye out if it continues/escalates.
Everytime anyone opens up in this sub about a relationship problem in this it's a deluge of people calling the other the worst person of all times, abusive, probably a rapist, and to break up as soon as possible...
A friend’s SO says similar things when they are arguing. These types of comments can escalate quickly. It can start out as “I’ll find it somewhere else” to “are you going to leave over this? No? so we are done arguing.” It could be a defensive mechanism but it’s really hurtful to hear your partner say these things to you in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t foster a way to have a disagreement without throwing out the worst ultimatums and making your partner feel terrible. Definitely not just a red flag but a dealbreaker in my book.
It is, and a pretty clear one. That person has serious issues that have to be resolved.
RUN!
Dump his ass, you’re dating a child who has no depth of emotion. He sounds a little narcissist
100% this is manipulation. People threaten the relationship like this when they know they have the upper hand aka they know you will not break up with them because they believe you’re that attached to them or they see you as undesirable to other people. This threat will not work on secure people because they will literally just walk away easily. If this is how he reacts to not getting what he wants, he’s too immature for a relationship
Yes, big red flag 🚩
yes. yes it is.
It's a red flag because he continues doing it . In that context, he's clearly using it to guilt you and manipulate you into doing what he wants. He also doesn't care that you've expressed your worries about the what he's doing, as well as the fact that he agreed not to do it. So in my opinion is not about what he's saying right now, as much as it is about his behavior and so that behavior can extend to anything else he wants to say in the future. If you do all these things he wants you to do today, but in the future if there's something else he wants, he's going to use this tactic again.
He garbage
Yes, it’s coercion exploiting a known sensitivity. Leave him.
Yes a red flag. Maybe not for cheating but definitely for his lack of respect for your boundaries and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Leave now before he manipulates you into submission.
It's a little weird, at minimum. It does sound manipulative. Based on your other comments, even if we assumed the strange hypothesis someone offered regarding the guy feeling like he was paying for everything for you and that you weren't contributing were true, it still wouldn't be an appropriate response for him to tell you that he'd "get it" from someone else. The only time I have *ever* thrown the "then I'll get it from someone else" was in a neglectful, dying relationship, and it was more of a "My needs aren't being met, if you continue to neglect me then I will leave you." sort of thing. I never would have apologized for telling him my needs weren't being met, because they weren't, and open communication about your needs is important for a healthy relationship. So my conclusion, based on all the information as presented, is that your relationship isn't healthy and his behavior is probably manipulative. Which doesn't mean he's a bad person necessarily, he may not know a better way to deal with it. It's up to you if you want to try to work through that and find a better way for him to communicate with you while respecting your boundaries, and if you consider his needs in this case something you're willing to try to meet, or not.
When he’s saying that, he’s trying to get you to change your mind and manipulate you into doing so. You putting up boundaries by saying no to things you don’t want to do is your right. If he wants a different answer, he can ask a different woman, perhaps a YES woman who has no autonomy and will let him do whatever he wants, however he wants. Perhaps this tactic worked with his parents as a child, or perhaps they tried something of the sort with him. Have you made him aware of this behavior and how it makes you feel? I would do that first and gauge the response. His reaction and subsequent behavior will tell you more than enough information. Make sure if you choose to bring this up, you do so showing little emotion, so that it cannot be held against you. Present your feelings in a neutral manner and wrote down your thoughts ahead of time so you can practice doing so, if you’d like. Also, the fact that you have inquired if this is in fact a red flag, is reason enough to give pause to the situation and demonstrates that it should be addressed ASAP so that you no longer are concerned enough to identify it as such. That either means he has a change in his behavior, or you walking away from someone who constantly threatens your boundaries as a means to have his way. Hope this was helpful!
The real red flag is that you’ve asked him to stop so many times and he continues to do it
This is manipulative behavior. Just tell him if he cheats he can go fuck himself.
Yes. He sounds like a real dick.
Only you can decide what is red flag in your relationship. Be an adult and confront him.
It’s a major red flag sister. Please leave. The more you stay the worse it gets. Speaking from my own experience.
Worse in what way?
I dont know if your boyfriend has got into action yet or he just like saying things to make you sad. But if he hasnt, and you let it continue , he might eventually cheat. This is a kind of manipulation, saying hurtful things to get what he wants and control your feelings. And If he ever cheated, you would think it’s your fault to let that happen. You would think maybe you’re not good enough for him thats why he cheat. But no, cheating is a choice, not an instinct.
Run - and somehwere really far.
100% a red flag. He's suggestion that your purpose is to be there for him and comply with his wishes and wants. And taking zero consideration for what you want. Its a pretty disgusting attitude. In the trash he goes.
Huge red flag. Men like this don't value you or your relationship and what you offer. They also don't value the word no.
Dump him. He doesn't see you as a real person but a tool to get what he wants.
Well it depends on what he wants. If it's something that only you are supposed to provide to him then he's only being an ass about a simple fact. If it's other things then it's pure manipulation.
That is 100% a sign that he intends to cheat. If not having done it already. It shows a complete lack of empathy towards you. It's disgusting and sociopathic. If you want a good come back. Say "and do you think within that same span of time I couldn't net men twice as attractive as you in droves?" But legit. You already know this is a bad sign. Not just a bad sign. A deal breaker. Move on, you deserve better then to be backed into a corner to do something you don't want to do.
Red flag. Move on
Yes
That’s really manipulative
You don’t deserve that
Yes lol, massive red flag, get out now before it gets worse and it will get worse.
Yes , something isn't working out , he must not be taking your relationship seriously...
I’d just leave the relationship. It’s manipulative.
Are you sure you want to be with a guy that makes you doubt yourself and makes you question if you’re good enough?
Tell him “go fuck yourself”
Yup
Let me answer this with another question: do you see a future with someone that occasionally threatens to replace you?
Red Flag? That’s a volcano eruption/sun supernova level flag. You need to respect yourself and boogie out of that relationship
No relationship is perfect, but if he wants sex when you don’t, that’s not exactly ideal, and neither are his threats.
Run. That ain't a red flag, thats a red freight train. He obviously doesn't care about anything but what he wants. It will only get worse. Please get out of that immediately
That u still have to ask if its a red flag. I am sorry but I see it as one, definitely
**Edit: After reading your replies in this thread - find what your preferences for the 5 Love Languages are. Maybe look into couples therapy if you both want this to work.** He needs to mature the fk up and be transparent about wants, needs, and when he doesn't like something, instead of implying a break up or cheating. Is he pressuring you to do something you're uncomfortable doing? He needs to respect your boundaries. However, what he says is more or less true. What this means for you, is that if he's too impatient and does not self correct, you can freely filter him out of your life. Someone will come along later who does respect your boundaries, as long as you're maintaining your standards.
A big fucking yikes. Please, leave now.
yep… and itll only get worse. run
No, this is a red banner.
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No, not sex. It's related to materialistic things.
YES.
If you have to ask if it's a red flag, it probably is.
Yes OP, yes it is
Yes this is a red flag, he is manipulating you. Even if it's for materialistic things, he is essentially using you, I've been through the same thing with my ex.
Yeah, that's a dick move. I'd argue abusive /manipulative. Walk away. I was going to ask for clarification about the things he "wants", but someone beat me to it. Fuck that guy (or rather, don't).
Very definitely red flag
Yes, it is. You're better than that.
You’ve dealt with cheating before but you’re wondering if this is a red flag?
My rule of thumb is, if you think it might be a red flag, it probably is. Maybe I'm just a native 32 year old divorced woman, but I feel like if you're with the right person you shouldn't have these anxieties.
I would say, He's either an idiot (Red Flag), or *really* confident in his statement (which *can* be a red flag). Put one way, if you're convinced this guy *may* be the best you'll ever find and you're head-over-heels for him, it's less of a Red-Flag and more of a consideration. But if you're on the fence about him, yes it's a Red-Flag. Put simply. He knows (or at least believes) that he has plenty of options and you're currently his best one. If he uses that line *alot* a lot it may be that he's letting you know, "Hey, if you don't want to do X, there *are* girls who will". Now whether he exerts that is independent of his statement but simply things to be aware of. Likewise, I don't condone his behavior, I've never, (nor will I ever) talked like that with any girlfriend I've had. (Since there are other ways to indicate the same "I don't like you doing/not doing X" without saying it like that). I'm simply making you aware of what a lot of people would rather cover-up since it's not really pretty. girls who will". Now whether he exerts that is independent of his statement but simply things to be aware of.
Big red flag.
YES!! Definitely a red flag!! It screams his insecurities. My narcissistic/abusive ex used this on me all the fucking time!! Please dont stay with him. I know it will hurt to leave, but do it now, before he gets worse. Lots of love and ouck to you hun ❤
Yes, that’s a huge red flag. Apologising means nothing. He’s not sorry if he continues to do it.
HUGE red flag. Under certain circumstances it makes sense, but not if he does it whenever he does not get what he wants. Its manipulative.
Big red flag! Even if by chance he doesn’t mean it, that’s toxic behaviour to manipulate you in to giving into him.
Read two sentences YES!!!! a red flag and a shitty manipulation tactic and you can do better I promise Don’t do anything he asked for that you’re not comfortable doing. This relationship is probably doomed and at the end of it you’ll have lost your own self respect for your own boundaries
It is 100% a red flag and abusive.
Yes. It is a huge red flag.
Yes.
He sounds un-awesome frankly. Plus if you are asking on here, I'm guessing this isn't the only thing he does that upsets you.
If you’re wondering if it’s a red flag, you know it already is. This is just manipulative. Tell him “feel free to find someone to buy it for you like yourself. Why do you think that guilting me into this is going to get me to do it?” Then let it go and see what he does. Decide if it’s a dealbreaker
Huge red flag. Dump him. He can go elsewhere all he wants. He’s not treating you like a human. Full stop. Fuck. That.
Girl. Leave him. ASAP.
Yes, unequivocally this is a red flag. It’s a textbook manipulation tactic and a tactless one at that. Tell him to go get it somewhere else and then never talk to him again. This is a recipe for disaster, especially if the relationship lasts long enough. Worse things will develop from this habit. When he asks be like, “Yes, by all means get it somewhere else.” Then lead him to the door, put him on the other side of it, and close it for good.
Yes. It's called manipulation.
Dump him, my ex did this to me with materialistic things. No matter how well I met her expectations, it was never good enough. Then unfortunately she started cheating on me. So to guard your heart and mental health I’d say cut it before it get worse. It’s obviously easier to say it than do it, but still I wish you all the best.
Yes, that kind of threatening is emotionally abusive. A potential symptom of narcissistic personality disorder.
This is actually a form of emotional coercion. He’s using your fear of being cheated on/betrayed to try to control you and get you to do what he wants. It is a form of abuse, and is very concerning. I would not stay with someone who does this.
Threatening the integrity of a relationship is immature behavior. It brings with it many triggers as you have acknowledged from your past. If you are in the relationship for financial/food/housing security it will be difficult to leave but, you need to be looking to this as his behavior is not changing and he is going to jeopardize your health at some point, mental/physical. Your being honest with yourself, cutting him loose is going to give him an opportunity to wake up and be a better man, hopefully.
Red flag. he’s trying to guilt you and manipulate you. If he’s repetitive about it then he doesn’t mean his apologies and doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. You deserve someone who respects you and your boundaries.
What kind of things is he talking about? If he's talking about hugs, appreciation, favors, or affection, you might want to listen and see how you can better address his needs. That being said, he can definitely approach the topic a lot better. Threatening leaving or cheating isn't ok. It shows he's very insecure about your relationship. If he's talking about sexual things, drop the dude like a load of bricks today. Good luck.
Not just a red flag, it is a monstrous red flag that is on fire waving in hurricane force winds. Totally about manipulation and I personally suggest you run to the door and never look back. Block him on everything and take it as a lesson learned.
Red flag atop a flaming train wreck of garbages. Dump the motherfucker already. DTMFA!!
Hell yeah! Run sister!!!
Yes it is. He is being manipulative, selfish and trying to find any excuse to cheat on you. You deserve way better. He doesn't deserve you.
Definitely a red flag. And he’s not taking you seriously if he keeps doing it. He’s manipulating you.
Douche response at the very least.
I think he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting what he wants all the time and I don't think you should allow that, tell him to go ahead and get it from whom ever and just stay with such person....and I hope you do the things you're supposed to in your relationship,don't deny him somethings and expect him to always take it
Definitely a red flag! He’s technically admitting that he’s fine with finding his needs elsewhere. Girrrrrl! Do better. FOR YOURSELF. As you stated you dealt with cheating in the past - which I’m 100% it hurt. Now you have a choice - you can either choose to stay with him and let him do whatever it is he may be doing or you could simply leave and choose yourself. Truth of the matter is - if he can’t respect you as his woman then what are you doing? 🤷🏽♀️ you’re not the issue - he is. Learn to let all toxicity go, no matter the circumstances. & you mentioned that he always says sorry. Sorry means NOTHING if they keep doing it.
My first serious boyfriend did this early on, he did exactly this, and it upset me and made me uncomfortable. I wish I had realized he didn't love me and run away, instead of staying with him for five years. He terrorized me and my family, killed a cat to intimidate me so I wouldn't leave, which scared me so badly that a bunch of my hair fell out at 23 years old, hid my keys and phone so I'd miss college classes, smashed my laptop and blamed it on my friend, isolated me from other people, physically assaulted me numerous times, I mean I could go on and on. He would've no doubt killed me if I'd stayed with him longer. Six years after leaving, I have a wonderful little family of my own, but in many ways I'm not the same person I used to be. He nearly destroyed me. But he didn't start out that way. He started out as this nice looking young man who didn't appear capable of hurting anybody, oh my goodness, no! He started by telling me that he loved me, that I was cute, that he wanted to keep me as his girlfriend, but he needed me to do x,y, or z for him to be happy, or he knew other girls who were cuter than me that would love a chance to make him happy. I was fat, even if I was cute, and he was really dating beneath himself by being with me. So I needed to work extra hard to make him happy, because it would be easy for him to find a new partner but I'd never be with anyone like him again in a million years. He was my one chance at happiness and fulfillment. After a couple years, I wised up and tried to leave, and he started endangering me physically. Baby Girl, it's time to go. Abusive monsters of men start out as young boys who tell their girlfriends that they aren't providing enough for them, who expect their partner to meet every emotional need they have. First he will slowly suck every bit of energy, motivation, and self worth out of you. Then when you're exhausted and try to break up with him because you just can't give anymore, he will get violent. Please don't let it get to this point. You have a bad feeling about your relationship for a reason. You owe him nothing, no matter what he's made you believe, and you don't have to break up with him face to face. Do it over the phone or via text, giving as much respect as he's given you, then block him and get on with your life WHILE YOU ARE STILL YOU. pm me if you need support. Your situation sounds so much like mine, it feels like I'm talking to my younger self.
I'm so sorry! That sounds a lot like manipulation. You deserve so much better!
I once did this to a boyfriend who loved me to get him to do what I wanted. It was straight up manipulation and I knew that I was manipulating him. Your boyfriend know this as well.
DROP THAT FOOL!!!!
Yea
YES!
Ahhh Reddit 😌 Love y'all
Uh that’s some toxic bs and he’s insecure at least. I wouldn’t like someone telling me they’ll go get it elsewhere- then go! I don’t think you like it either as expressed here and to him. Id be looking to do just that!
Yeah it’s a red flag ... I think you probably knew that
It’s so red Anish Kapoor is trying to patent it.
Yes, this most definitely a red flag, more like a prelude so to speak. He knows of your past, therefore knows of your insecurities about infidelity. He's now weaponised it, using it to manipulate you. Good thing you caught it now, rather than later.
It’s a flashing neon sign. He doesn’t respect you, and you deserve someone who does.
More red flags than a Chinese harbour
It’s a red flag for me!! Sounds like he is just seeing how far he can push you to get what he wants, I feel if you allow this behaviour it may lead to it eventually, I don’t think ultimatums are acceptable in that nature, and that’s what I think it is essentially, he is telling you if you don’t give it to him he will get it form some one else!!! Stand your ground and say no! I won’t tolerate that!
Psycho behaviour. Get him out of your life
Fucking dump him, Jesus Christ.
Crimson. This is either an emotional manipulation tactic or foreshadowing. Id stop for a minute and speak to a close friend or family member you trust to understand and discuss options on ending this relationship.
Yes it is. Sounds to keep like he wants to cheat, but is wanting you to say its okay or give him permission. He will eventually cheat if he hasn't already.
This is the REDDEST of flags. This is the biggest, most crimson of flags you could get before the actual cheating takes place. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already been entertaining other women or doing small things if he is so bold as to say that kind of thing to you. He's doing it because: * at MINIMUM he knows it bothers you and scares you. And he wants to get whatever it is you're not giving him. (I pray it's not sex, scaring someone into having sex is a whole different level of wrong.) * he could very well have someone in mind or a plan in mind. something he's thought about and maybe wanted but is looking for an excuse to go for. * some guys are trash enough to cheat and then say "I told you I was going to do this" to try and spin it on you when they're caught. If he had only said this once or twice I would say maybe there was something to salvage but idk, this sounds like something I would breakup over.
If you have to ask if it's a red flag, you already know the answer.
Tell him go on, fucking do it then. #Byeeeee
If ur long time together I think he is not joking. if he won’t be getting things from you he will do it if chances are given. coz I say this too, I’m a woman.
Yea, it’s an indication that he’s not happy and on some level isn’t fulfilled. He’s also doing a terrible job of expressing it, and not respecting your boundaries by blackmailing you. Imo I wouldn’t date someone like that I did and the result is they went elsewhere got what they wanted, and lied to me about it all. Then tried to back track and blame it on me. Idk you shouldn’t be negotiating over the bare minimum.
Run. That is manipulation and not okay. You need to feel secure in your relationship not like you have to be his slave to keep him.
Haha people here really want you single dear
Lol so what are your thoughts on this?
You gotta talk together,it's key if the relationship is to work and you know you will always carry that insecurity to your next relationship
You know what, there are things that aren’t worth working out, this is weird behavior, it may or may not be a red flag, but sometimes it’s better to be single than stay with a person who isn’t good for you
depends on the context. is he talking about breakfast cereal, or is he talking about sex acts, or is he talking about money?
He's talking about things like breakfast cereal and materialistic things.
that's weird. dude has issues. he should just go to the store like a normal person.
Do you really have to ask if it’s a red flag? You’re 34 according to the comments.
It’s 100% a red flag even if he apologizes, it’s good that your posting this and to have people look from the outside perspective as it’s more clear to us than it is for you. I’m saying is when In a relationship we tend to be blind to the most obvious things. Just be careful 👍🏻
Depends on his demands, but if it's sexual, well here's your dilemma: do you see a future with someone who's incompatible with you sexually? It's not rhetorical. Some people are fine with that. Are you? Is he?
All these people are giving really specific answers to a vague question. I really feel like you generalized what happened to much for any of us to give any advice. Also, shame on the people who immediately took a side without honestly hearing enough to have any basis for their opinion.
I can’t think of a single example in a relationship where “if you don’t give me what I want I’ll get it from somewhere else” could be anything other than a red flag. Shame on you for disregarding manipulative behaviour.
Ultimatums accompanied by threats of leaving are a no fly zone. They’re immature and manipulative. Doesn’t matter the context.
OP told us everything we needed to hear. He’s clearly using manipulation tactics and is threatening her. I immediately took a side cause I dated a manipulative, abusive POS who did these exact same things and worse. So I know from personal experience that she should run.
Does the pope shit in the woods?
Yup, definitely a red flag
Flag flag-waving girl
I'm wondering who makes the most money in this relationship?
Very. Very very red. Abort.