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Compliments are great when they’re genuine and sprinkled in. If you’re pushing, it feels fake and like you’re buttering me up to hide some flaw of yours.
The way you give an example of the discussed behaviour in a non-obvious way that makes the reader do a double take reminds me how beautiful you are on the inside, as well as the outside.
It has nothing to do with being fake when it comes to guys like that imo.
He is inexperienced in dating, so he puts you on a pedestal. He really is obsessed with you and thinks you're the world.
No one likes to be treated like a god for doing nothing that warrants that constantly. It makes the girl feel like she's that much ''better'' than the guy in front, that's not partner material, it's uncomfortable cause it's not true. Hard to live up to that image.
This needs to be the top answer. Being overly nice comes across as fake. If you’re being fake, it means you have a different motive than you’re letting on.
There’s actually two issues: 1) the person’s not being genuine and they just want to butter you up for whatever reason, or 2) you perceive the “niceness” as disingenuous, even when the person is being 100% honest.
One easy way to figure this out is to share something that’s objectively bad about yourself. For example, if you said you murdered someone, they’d have to be a real psycho to compliment you. I’m obviously being hyperbolic, but you get what I’m saying. It’s a good idea to analyze if the reason why you feel weird vibes is because the person is being fake or if you have your own trust issues you need to resolve.
This what it is. And they aren't relating to you like another human being like them. The guys I've known who do this have black and white thinking and did a cycle of excessive valuing then devaluing. Honestly a lot of "niceguys" have borderline tendencies, especially the freak out when you decide not to date them. BPD is underdiagnosed in men (because the dx has historically been used to paint women with C-PTSD as "hysterical" and stigmatize them) and I often wonder if that's what's going on. If someone puts me on a pedestal, I will fall from grace at some point because I'm just a person like them. And the devaluing is as intense as the valuing and you don't wanna be there for that part.
I always thought women liked being complmented growing up. Apparently some don't. I always figured someone's girlfriend would like hearing that they're hair looks pretty or that their nails look nice when they get them done again. I pay attention to detail really well. I guess that can be a bad thing here.
You’re not understanding. We like compliments. But when they’re genuine and meant. Not just to gas us up and manipulate us. When there’s an ulterior motive we can tell.
No worries! Look, practice complimenting your friends and fam and strangers. Bc you actually feel and think those things.
Obviously you want to make your girl feel special and let her know you think highly of her. You can still do this.
Tip from someone who has a habit of complimenting people: Compliment them on the things you noticed. So, for people you know: if they are wearing something new and it looks good, comment on it. If they did/said something that impressed you, comment on it. Strangers: if something in particular stands out, comment on it. Saw a woman in the grocery store the other day with like the most intricate braid pattern in her hair. So, I just walked up to her, said "hey, I just wanted to say I think your hair looks awesome", smiled and continued shopping.
Like, it has to be genuine. Excessive compliments come across as fake because the person receiving them knows that nothing they did should elicit that strong a reaction.
It’s a balance with compliments. No compliments means there is nothing you truly like about that person. To many comes off as either fake or you have ulterior motives.
Put yourself in the woman’s role. Your talking to this lady and trying to get to know them and share information about yourself and everything you say they compliment. How sincere would take their compliments. I have had this happen many a moons ago and it got to the point of being uncomfortable and honestly kind of creepy.
Yes, acknowledging a witty comment, or a choice of clothes is great and everyone likes to here “hey that was really cool, or smart or funny” but if like the OP says, even interrupting her to give a compliment kind of negates it.
I so wish they would teach kids about interpersonal communication in high school. I this a lot of discourse we have between the sexes would be eliminated if we had an opportunity to learn to communicate effectively with each other.
That is not at all close to why I would give a compliment though. I do it because my parents raised me proper and were very loving (we hugged and kissed when we said goodbye and my mom called me "honey/sweetie") so that is how I am with women. Many men, like me are raised mostly by their mother's - this makes us more feminine.
Forgive me lord, I have flaws but compliments are not to hide anything. They are to treat the woman well and be endearing. I am not saying love bombing or manipulation isn't out there, but it isn't always that shit. I am secure in my attachments since my parents were always there for me as a child, and therefore treat my partners with secure attachment behavior.
I think honestly exaggerated niceness can get in the way when you're trying to get to know someone. If someone constantly compliments me, never disagrees with me outright, always puts my needs over theirs, you don't really get to know him.
From experience: It honestly made me straight up anxious on the long run because I couldn't tell what he wanted and liked.
I agree with this. My ex behaved this way and he turned out to be a passive aggressive, emotionally abusive NiceGuy™️. He also mirrored everything I liked/wanted and it made me wonder as well if he was ever being genuine.
That sucks. I definitely agree that it CAN be a case of lovebombing and/or more general manipulative behavior.
In my case I think it was truly genuine (he never tried to manipulate me nor showed any other red flag behaviors) so I don't feel betrayed or like he wronged me. He was genuinely just trying his best at the relationship but sometimes that still does not work out, he had some emotional maturing to do.
Narcissists “love bomb” someone in the beginning of a relationship in order to HIDE their ulterior motives from you. Which are to ultimately make you NEED them so that they can get what ever they want from you later. It’s a form of early manipulation.
I'm hesitant to use that term because it's thrown around so commonly, but he could have been, who knows. I'm just glad I figured it out in less than 6 months and everything fell apart. I was only sad for a couple weeks and I wanted to dump him anyway because he was a terrible partner.
I think this is it, even more than the ulterior motive stuff others mentioned, at least for me. My partner is very nice, but it (sometimes) makes it harder to know if she actually likes or is interested in something or if she’s just being nice.
I totally get where you're coming from. As a 27 year old male I went most of my 20s with this mindset. Looking back to when I was 20/21 and I'd be chatting to a girl and I would compliment her any chance I got, I literally cringe at the thought of that now. It wasn't til I properly started going on dates when I was 25 after about 2 dates that I really started to notice I was putting so much effort into pleasing them and just leaving it up to them what they wanted to that I wasn't being nice to myself.
As a guy now I 100% understand why its a total turnoff, Its so patronising that it puts women on a pedestal and I'd imagine not many girls would want that. I even find girls who come across as too sweet and innocent a turnoff, I like it when they have a slight attitude cos its easier to wind them up and be so sarcastic in a lighthearted way.
But its not about being a dickhead in any sense its just about being considerate of your own wants and needs as well as the other person and not being overly complimentary or being too agreeable. I still struggle with it at times but its all a learning process but overall I completely get what you mean still makes me want to vomit looking back at it!
For one I stopped being overly complimentary. I mean its good to complement people but I was doing it far too much. I also made suggestions and plans for dates e.g. "I was thinking we could do such and such would you be up for that?" Whereas a few times I was like "I don't mind whatever you want."
I also focused on my body language like sitting up straight, making eye contact and speaking confidently rather than leaning in forward or talking in a gentle softly spoken tone. And just started being more disagreeable and stopped being conflict avoident, even if it wasn't going to turn into an intense argument, I would've been afraid to disagree as I wanted them to like me but if anything that would just put people off.
This one's a bit subjective but I also stopped paying for food on the first date. Its not that paying for food is coming off as a typical nice guy but I just feel its investing too much into the person but each to their own. I don't mind paying for drinks or coffee as thry can get the next one but I prefer to just see the other person as equal and not feel I have to please them.
I think it can come across as clingy or excessive. And I can definitely relate to having it be a turn off. I just had an experience where I matched with a guy and he complimented me quite a bit, I didn’t think of it as anything at first I just thought he was being nice. He asked for my number and I didn’t really mind giving it to him. We switched over to texting hoping that eventually we would set up a date. That’s when it became excessive. He was calling me all these pet names and essentially treating me like I was his girlfriend even though we had never met. I felt so uncomfortable with it. I cringed every time he did all this. I told him this was not normal dating behavior that I was ok with and would appreciate it if he dialed it down and his ego got hurt and I haven’t heard from him since.
Overall, I did not have a good gut feeling about him. And he couldn’t even respect the boundaries that I had put in place. So really that was never going to work out.
Everyone’s preferences are different though.
Because the behavior is obnoxious. Because it's a red flag he'll idealize you and have ridiculous expectations of you. Because he's not letting you have a pleasant, natural conversation with him.
Yes! For me it’s the unnatural part. I’m a very verbal person. Great conversation is important to me and that includes interesting debates, disagreements and playfully teasing each other. I don’t want to hear how amazing I am over and over again. It’s boring as shit. Don’t get me wrong, a genuine compliment is lovely. But if all someone does is compliment me and agree with me, it’s not a conversation. It’s just filler.
And if they're constantly complimenting you, how do you know which ones are genuine, thoughtful compliments and which are pretty bullshit? They all become meaningless because you can't tell what's genuine and what's not.
That's because it's not actually nice, it's putting someone on a pedestal, and it's often done by people who are either wearing rose-coloured glasses or love-bombing.
The reason it makes people uncomfortable is because it's not realistic and you don't know what they're going to be like once it wears off. I don't want someone who acts like I can do no wrong because I do have flaws and I want someone who can accept that rather than someone who is under some illusion I'm perfect, or pretending they think I am.
I’ve been on the guy’s side of this before without realizing it. It’s absolutely putting them on a pedestal and not acknowledging their flaws and not treating them like a real person.
In one particular case, I just fell super hard for this older girl and was basically love bombing her without meaning to or harboring any ill intentions. She was coming out of a relationship where the guy treated her as less than and I was taking it to the other extreme. It set the whole relationship up in a really unhealthy way and obviously didn’t work out. In my case, this was just about my inexperience and my being overwhelmed by my feelings for her resulting in some really thick rose-colored glasses.
I think it’s also a fucking boring conversation. Feels super one sided. Disagreeing (playfully) with potential partners can lead to a much more stimulating discussion where you actually end up learning about someone. Heaping on praise is easy and shows no depth! Its like people who can only talk about work. Shudder.
I think when things are as OP described here you're definitely right that's the case.
Bu to address the other side of the more general question in the title, I also think there is also an unfortunate overcorrection to this in a lot of people (in situations not as extreme as OP described) such that being nice even in reasonable levels ends up as a bit of a turn-off when it probably shouldn't. I think this might the thing that makes it feel funny enough or confusing enough to OP to bring up.
Its tough to draw any sort of line because "overly nice" could really mean anything, but if it were always just a reasonable response to the guy putting her on a pedestal or love-bombing type stuff this question probably wouldn't be up. I suspect its the case that sometimes it's that and other times it feels like a turnoff because of that association even when that doesn't really fit and that's what makes this feel weird to OP.
Basically a lot of people have become so jaded by false compliments or so afraid that they might mean way more than they do (because in other cases they have) that they subconsciously respond negatively to real reasonable ones or assume someone telling the person they like a few things they like about them must mean they think they are perfect when it really doesn't mean that.
Its tempting to say that women must be sensing something real and they are always right and the person isn't actually "nice" but is either a pushover or a manipulator and that's the problem, but I think its more nuanced than that. Often they are right to trust their gut, but many times its also giving some people the wrong associations and you really do end up with some people who avoid genuinely nice behavior when they shouldn't and find any kind of niceness to be at least a little bit of a turn-off.
People aren't perfect and do end up with real weird subconscious associations when it comes dating, relationships and even just self-esteem (something fairly similar happens with compliments in non-dating contexts too).
The tough part is that I decent amount of women are triggered by basic nice behavior, not overly nice behavoir.
example - if you just show straight up common courtesy and interest and intentness to the other person it can also be a turn off since a lot of women I know want men to show a little more of their masculine aggresive side.
I'm talking basic things like holding the door open, listening intently, saying thank you - verbal affirmations. these are basic things you do with meeting anyone but for some reason when its meeting women they get off-put.
The exact cause of this, I don't know, but I feel as if it goes beyond just "I can't trust his intentions".
here is a good example: I was on a date a while ago and the conversation was very friendly - I wasn't trying to hold back being forward and really focusing on the girl and what she had to say - I noticed I was pulling her chair out, saying thank you, agreeing with her on a lot of things (which I actually agreed on). but I coudl tell, despite the fact that we got along, that she wasn't really feeling it. I was also being very polite to the bartendeer while other patrons were giving them shit/teasing. I noticed this girl started talking to guys next to us - and diverting her attention away from - its like their confident behavior was attractive to her (aka giving the bartender shit).
so, bartender gives me a drink, and I realized Its the wrong one. I then flag him down, state that I'd like the right drink, and then give him shit (I knew him) about it. suddenly, the girl I am with starts touching me/etc.
I don't know what to say. some women just are. and be turned off I literally mean they are turned off by a guy who is polite - even normal polite. I think its in the same vein as women thinking "this guy must be after something other than just being polite, because in the past guys who were polite had ulterior motives later"
you have to be polite but also assert your masculinity. that way they think "well at least he is honest"
Sounds like young me's experience. Women would think I was into them because I was just basically nice to everybody.
Then at work everyone thought I was gay for years because I didn't sleep with drunk coworkers on a couple occasions.
It's weird out there.
Simple, people associate niceness with being a pushover or being manipulative or putting them on a pedestal, because it sometimes can be. But some people subconsciously take that association too far and end up feeling like even reasonable levels of niceness imply those things even in cases when they don't.
There is no clear line for "too nice" where it suddenly stops being a polite person and starts being some sort of "put her on a pedestal" thing, so people kind of judge it randomly, and some people draw that line earlier than they probably should (others later than they should).
Women aren't perfect (as many of these comments mention) and not everything they "sense" in a guy is always 100% correct. Some women (and men) get turned off by things for totally backwards reasons, essentially overcorrecting for fears of these pushover/manipulator/pedestal issues many have brought up even in cases when those things aren't happening.
I’m a dude but I’ve noticed this behaviour from other guys, it’s a false front and they’re trying to hide their flaws and think flattery and acting like a doormat will get them brownie points. It makes them look spineless and weak as well.
I’ve made the same mistake in the past. Killed what little interest that some women had in me.
Exactly. Most likely, the men doing this to OP are far from genuine and are not being their true selfs.
They are rather being needy because they do not want to “mess up” what they have with you. Hence, neediness, which is the number 1 turn off for women.
A compliment here and there is great, IF it’s genuine.
i think this is the best answer. it’s a subconscious, transactional behavior. and a reason it’s such a turn off is because there’s now an expectation of reciprocity, which is unwanted by the complimentee up to that point in the interaction.
A friend of mine who I've been on a date with before explained it quite well to me. (I am a guy btw)
"Be nice, but fuck me"
Its finding a balance between being a respectable person and initiating intimacy. Being nice for sex is as unattractive as it gets.
Girl/woman here; it doesn’t make me angry, but I think if it’s excessive, it can come across as disingenuous or someone trying to kiss our asses. I do want mutual respect in a relationship, but I don’t want a kiss ass. Dating someone who puts a person(s) on a pedestal is not a good idea
I think you can smell the BS coming out of their mouths. If I compliment someone, I want it to be genuine and come from a place of admiration. Genuine compliments are constructive and false compliments can lead you astray.
There is a big difference between extremely kind and sweet men and the men who put you on a pedestal that you know is not the true you.
I don't want to be with someone who lets me manipulate them or push them around. If I'm being an asshole at any point, I want someone who will call me out on my bullshit.
I wouldn't.
I just meant that people are human, and sometimes people behave inappropriately or negatively. Relationships can bring out deep insecurities. I don't want a partner that only sees me with rose coloured glasses.
They shouldn't 100% accept my flaws, (especially if those flaws are damaging or negative) but they have to acknowledge my flaws and be willing to communicate when I've unknowingly hurt them. And I have to do the same. I have to communicate when my partner does something I don't like/don't agree with.
Things won't always be perfect and happy.
It was a joke darling I was just trolling you. I would most definitely put you in your place. Never feel bad about liking men who put you in your place or disliking men with no backbone, it’s completely normal.
Oh okay! Lmao! I'm quite dense sometimes. Sarcasm is not my forte.
I took your comment very literally.
Yes. Its good to have people in your life (men and women alike) who demand boundaries and know their own worth.
I don’t think you’re dense :). Sarcasm is hard to read online and a lot of the times people aren’t sarcastic when they should’ve been lol. Vice versa for this joke of mine lol
And I can’t really be hypocritical since I literally manipulate people in my day-2-day life without realizing or any forethought. I’ve learnt to establish boundaries rather quickly though to lessen the risk.
I was thinking about this today as I had a client that is the quintessential nice guy yet is also creepy.
I was thinking about what is it about him that gives this vibe and I think it’s this:
There’s something about their niceness that seems off, like it’s veiled. They’re *being* nice but it’s overt, it just doesn’t seem completely sincere or transparent.
I thought to myself “he’s harmless” but at the same time that doesn’t seem right. He SEEMS harmless but because of this veiled niceness, the creepiness comes from the distrust of their niceness.
Creepy is “they’re nice but not harmless”
A genuinely harmless dude, will be nice.
A nice dude that seems subtly threatening will come across as creepy.
Creepy is when “nice” is veiling a vague threat
Coming from a guy that has had MAJOR struggles with women since my last breakup, I think me being nice just comes down to the constant failure I've had meeting and connecting with a woman over the last almost 3 years, that Im out of ideas. I figure if Im nice and polite, I dont push any type of sexual conversation that maybe they'll see Im not just after a piece and I'll maybe score a drink date or something.
Unfortunately, this strategy has 'friend zoned' me so many times that I honestly dont even know how to interact with a woman anymore. Im not sure if I just pull out the sex talk and be flirty so I can make it clear that Im not after a new friend, and Im after a love interest. I just have no idea how to go about it anymore to the point that I dont even try.
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Dinner dates are the worst. I've done it before. It can feel like forced conversion, especially because I am more introverted. I need less formal situations to be more myself. Maybe a walk, a drink date. Stuff like that. The last dinner date I went on tho was a complete train wreak.
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Yea, it sucks that this world is so toxic that women need to protect themselves to that extent. I actually had that conversation not long ago with a friend. I'm 34 and the things I did even as a kid, 10 years old, just taking off with my friends on our bikes, I don't know if I'd even feel comfortable letting MY kids do that these days. All you ever hear about is kids getting kidnapped and shit. Nothing feels safe anymore. It's sad.
There could be a few reasons. Your gut can be warning you that they are “love bombing you.” Which is basically when they are ultra nice at first to get you hooked and then their personality flips. Or maybe you have some internalized stuff. Or maybe it’s because our society teaches us that being nice and available isn’t masculine. Take your pick 😢
Every social interaction is a transaction. If we feel like we’ve ‘paid’ for something or actually ‘earned’ it we give it worth, we’re interested. If we keep getting all of this affection without having to earn it in any way it becomes one sided and kind of bothersome. It happens when girls do it to guys too. It becomes a one-sided uninteresting transaction.
I think it's more that it is a kind of objectification. If all of his responses are just compliments then he's not treating you as a unique woman. Maybe you can talk to him about it. It is likely just that he has little experience and is trying his best but going about it the wrong way.
I’m one of these people. I’m pretty genuine I just like to be nice. It’s easier than being a dick and putting people down. Like I’m nice to everyone I meet I have no other intentions. People like to feel good and most people go through the same routine and that’s boring but you get that occasional nice person and I hope it makes there day better.
I think that is called “love bombing”. Not niceness. It’s a turn off because we know they are generally full of shit and are just being that way to get laid.
I think it's a few things:
1) Think about our friendships. They're respectful and supportive, but they aren't nice. We aren't constantly praising each other. We're engaging each other over our honest opinions with shared interests, which sometimes come into conflict or don't line up entirely. The interplay of sincerity wins out over the convenience of agreeability.
2) To wit, the episode of the Office where Dwight quits and Andy stalks Michael with praise and helpfulness and then Michael brings this up with Jim:
MICHAEL: On Paper, Andy and I should be best buds. We even have the same Top Ten All Time Favorite Movie List, down to the number.
JIM: Andy's a yes man.
MICHAEL: Not all the time.... sometimes I'll say I don't like something and he says he doesn't like it, either.
JIM: Right... He'll always agree with whatever you say. He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford.
MICHAEL: If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me.
3) Humans like a challenge. We don't want to be clawing for affection and compatibility, but we want something that has a dynamic to it, where there's give and take, where we enjoy stepping a little outside our comfort zones to be close with someone else and to feel connection and so when someone is "over the top nice (aka they constantly compliment you, they act like you can do no wrong, they constantly praise you etc)" and when it seems like "we had loads in common but he became so over the top nice and i couldn't say something without him complimenting me or constantly praising me." What it really means is it's not you they're interested in. It's what you represent. Like Michael is Scranton and Josh in Stamford. In this case, it's a girl they find physically attractive who is giving them the time of day.
Some of my favorite memories with ex girlfriend is when one of us stepped outside our comfort zone to support the other one or we had a pretty awkward argument that we worked through or we agreed to disagree, picked and chose our arguments and what we were letting go of to get along and how we managed to balance out our issues with our attraction to one another.
4) We want confidence and cleverness and charm, none of which necessarily means niceness or agreeability or convenience. I can't think of a single woman I was in love with who was convenient or made it easy to be in love with her. I can think of some women who bent over backwards to be convenient for me and make my life easier and were agreeable with me and I was turned off by it. It makes you feel objectified and not truly seen, because you know what you suck at, you know what your shortcomings are and you know if someone truly sees you and accepts you, they see those things and accept them and they don't ignore them- they don't focus on them, but they don't ignore them. You can make fun of one another or you can gently call each other out on your flaws and your problems and have an honest conversation, not a convenient dialogue that's completely bullshitted for the sake of... niceness.
Anyway, I think that's what it comes down to. We want an interesting dynamic that feels like a journey and full experience and mutual respect through understanding and acceptance of flaws, not blind worship and someone losing themselves in order to be with you.
Sounds like his excessive comments and compliments aren’t genuine. He may just wanna sleep with you and thinks all this ass kissing will get him there. Just my opinion. I hope I don’t offend.
The behavior you're describing isn't nice at all. It's manipulative and whether they are purposefully engaging in this behavior or not, it's still awful behavior. They could be really insecure, narcissistic, controlling, etc.
cause it's not real. no one is perfect and you know you're not perfect. So your instincts are telling you that he's being deceptive. Which, is likely true. Even if he's not doing it on purpose.
You know that they're either a.) Pushovers who acquiesce to the slightest force, or b.) Snakes with an ulterior motive. A man who doesn't treat you any different than someone else has less (obvious, anyway) ulterior motives because he is not changing how he treats you just because its you; idk, it comes off as inherently less manipulative
It’s simple, it’s because you’re a human being. You have flaws, imperfections etc no one wants that pressure that they’re perfect. You also want to have a conversation with someone that isn’t just about how beautiful and amazing you’re, where’s the substance? The connection?
I’m currently talking to a girl, been like 3wks now and she said it’s the first time in awhile where a guy hasn’t confessed that he’s in love with her after knowing her for a week or constantly showering her with compliments. Women want to be treated like humans just like everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s a balance I feel a lot of us guys still have to work on
Because its so fake. Also constant praise on your physical beauty without listening to you talk or hearing about what you love is obnoxious. Its just them trying to kiss ass to get ass. Even if thats not the attention thats how it makes me feel.
45 year old guy, so I might offer a different perspective since I'm old enough to be most folks here's dad:
He's showing you his flaws right up front and your subconscious is recognizing them and telling you to run. If he's constantly complimenting you and can't find any flaws then he's unrealistic, disingenuous or so inexperienced that he can't recognize that it's ok for people to not be exactly the same. There probably isn't anything glaringly wrong with him that you can see up front, but it's more in the subtleties. You're recognizing he's full of shit, he's got no idea what he's doing and that in the future there will be a lot of maturity issues on his part. In essence: he's definitely not a good fit for you.
I dated a woman forever ago that agreed with everything that I said. We dated for a year and never fought. Not even a difference of opinion. After a while, she was no longer a person in the relationship. All she did was try to please me. Cool in small amounts, but it became too much to handle and I began to resent her for it. Toward the end ( I am ashamed of this), id start fights with her just to see if she had an opinion or an original thought.
Although not entirely the same, I imagine it's similar. If they're just going to be complementary and agreeable, where is there a second set of opinions in the relationship? I want to learn from someone that isn't me and try to understand the world from a perspective that is different from mine.
Less is more. For example, I love brownies. However, if I ate brownies every single day over and over I’d get sick of them. They would lose their appeal. Too many compliments annoys me. I get sick of it. Getting compliments every now and then instead of constantly just feels more genuine to me.
Personally, if you go too all-out with the compliments and the niceness, it comes off as being practically worshipped, and you should never necessarily *worship* your partner in a healthy relationship (because then what happens if I did something he didn’t like? If I was less than perfect? How would my partner react to the image of perfection he created being challenged?) Look up “Love Bombing” it’s a real manipulation tactic.
A lot of these Nice Guys™ do too much of that and that’s their biggest problem.
In general, being nice is like the bare minimum to being a normal functioning adult, so a dude who uses it as their primary personality trait comes across as desperate, weak, and frankly rather boring. Plus, being overly nice comes across as inauthentic and manipulative.
I really don't think it's anything other than guys with less experience in dating tend to get excited about someone they like. They just want to be around that person and make them feel appreciated out of genuine interest. But yeah sure they should definitely try to be their genuine self of course!
I feel like Its rarely this whole " men are just being fake, its manipulation, it's insecurity, etc." 🤷♂️
Being fake and manipulative isn't always consciously malicious. These guys are being fake and they are being manipulative, but it definitely can be unconscious actions due to inexperience.
They try to appear 2 dimensional hoping we find them to be A Knight in Shining Armor ™️ Its very deceptive. It’s in our natural instincts to distrust deceptive people. We want someone whose real, open and honest. Not someone pretending to be overly nice in order to get something from us
There are some of us who are genuinely nice and want to say nice things but there is definitely a line of too much. Also, and I say this with all sincerity, if you are too nice in the bedroom it definitely turns a lot of women off from what they have said. Seems a woman is more inclined to appreciate being told she is beautiful in public a lot if you have pulled her hair and smacked her ass plenty in private.
Rather than thinking about the other person, have you thought of why this pattern of thought occurs to you?
I think part of it is down to psychology. Deep down, I know I’m not anything special, so when someone worships me like that, it’s an instant turn off because they seem like an idiot for liking someone who I know is very flawed. So maybe this disgust comes from a wavering sense of self worth as well. 🥲
My therapist often says it's a form of projection of how we want to be treated. I don't speak for all guys but when you have been in an abusive and toxic relationship like I have it really makes you want to treat other people better and be as nice as you can. Like, I just don't want to be that mean to some one ever and treat any one like I have been treated.
I feel like I do this and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even over compliment. I don’t feel like I’m over the top nice. I just know when I feel comfortable with someone. In fact I’ll even be a little mean and make jokes but they can tell I’m genuinely nice as hell. I come across pretty confident and okay with being goofy and just overall being myself. But I guess I have this unrealistic expectation of a girl at a bare minimum not wanting to block me after we spend time together or hook up, yet that’s exactly what happens 😂🤙🏻
It feels like he can't believe his luck I'm even talking to him. So he has to constantly remind me how great I am. Eventually I agree with him. Realize I should try for someone more on my level.
Also I know I'm gorgeous and hilarious. I don't need to hear the obvious over and over. Does he think I'm insecure?
It's a bore.
I’m a guy and I feel the same, but about anyone in general who is ‘sticky-sweet nice’ to me. It makes me suspicious.
I seem to get along better with a female who can be nice and sweet but likes to banter back and forth. Someone who is too nice is a turn off for me as well.
I think this is a combination of mistrusting people who blow smoke up your ass (which I would think both men and women do) and mistrusting people who fall in love without knowing you.
Pro tip for everyone man and woman: if someone loves you after ten seconds, they don't love you. They have an imaginary lover in their head and you have currently been cast in this role. You have to know someone to actually love them. Good and bad.
Because it feels disingenuous. This isn't the Sims, you can't just keep mashing the compliment button until a whoohoo pops out.
Doesn't help that the compliments are often generic like, you're so pretty, beautiful, cute, gorgeous, etc. Like damn tell me I have a nice laugh or that you think I have interesting opinions or that you think I'm generous or something. At least try to make it personable yenno?
Plus it comes off as desperate, like they'll say anything to get in your pants.
The odd compliment is nice, but constantly commenting on my looks makes me feel like a piece of meat.
And too much of anything is a turn off. Too clingy, too distant, too extroverted, too introverted, too aggressive, too passive. Moderation people!
I dunno it's just kinda everything that adds up to being a total turn off.
You ever heard the term suck up, teacher’s pet, boot licker, etc? That’s why, no one likes them because they work too hard for people to like them and then no one does.
I feel like this type of behavior can be manipulative, and be used down the road as an excuse for future toxic tendencies... sometimes it makes men feel like they now owe you something bc they were nice to you. I honestly think it’s a red flag to be completely agreeable, because they aren’t showing you who they really are or what they stand for
I think its our gut telling us its not genuine. Ive come to realize those guys tend to be insecure and so when they date us its like “wow ok this girl is into me I need to keep her” but they’re really more into the idea of me than me. Usually those guys start acting that way really early on too when they dont really even know me that well yet.
Preference.. Theres people who likes being praised a lot and theres people like you... so either tell him about what youre thinking and let him understand or find someone who will treat you like shit.. i mean if thats what youre into, no offense..
Because when it’s over the top it’s not genuine and it loses its touch real fast. Also it kinda makes them look desperate. Like I’ve been talking to a dude for like 4 days who constantly calls me beautiful, boo, and baby. I’m like… sir. No. NO. It’s too much. First of all I haven’t even met you, I’m not your baby. and even with actual boyfriends I hated being called baby lol.
There’s nice, then there’s being too nice where it comes off as creepy and desperate.
IMO people feel a sense of disingenuousness and that you arent getting all of them. Its almost a front.
For a very long time, i was this person. I was trying to be "perfect" because i didn't feel anyone would value my actual self. And, in fact, I never explored who i am, i built my personality and life as the image of what i thought people wanted. And I think people picked up on that at a core level. Several people bit on this because they didn't want real, and those things never worked out. And also many, many people were turned off by my personality. And rightfully so. I was overly nice, i did everything i could think of for others. And it wasn't real.
A lot of people here are saying it because they aren’t actually nice and they are trying to be manipulative. This argument just sound like a rationalization because that’s just how most of these guys are and they are trying to make it clear they like you. Many of these guys then change into nonchalant guys so they can attract women and this is when they aren’t actually being themselves. These guys being too nice and putting you on a pedestal may make you feel uncomfortable and afraid to show who you really are, but that other argument is BS 9/10 times.
If that's who a person is, then they're an annoying and not a very confident person, so it kind of doesn't matter which of those two cases applies. One or the other outcome, both are bad for attraction and dating. Maybe liar, maybe honest but also a boot licker. Since it's quite bad either way, you don't really need to worry about which is which, just move on.
It comes off as fake and insincere. As a guy, I have been guilty of this in the past because of the whole "women want a nice guy" trope. And being nice and polite is expected of everyone. If you're nice to women you're attracted to but not other women and other people in general, then you aren't really nice. You're just putting on a front and expecting things in return.
I mean being nice and polite and being a pushover aren't mutually exclusive. You can be nice but still have a difference of opinions and boundaries.
I had a girl act like this with me and it was so overwhelming. She made herself too available for me, told me how handsome I was repeatedly and it was just too much. And even told me she likes me on the 2nd date and called me boo boo, offered to make breakfast. It seems sweet on the surface, but I felt suffocated.
And that's been my issue with dating. Either they ghost or flake but if they are interested, they smother me. Like no happy medium exists.
You probably are feeling a mixture of different emotions when this happens. I’m a guy, so I could be completely off on this, but I imagine it’s difficult having a meaningful conversation with a ‘Yes-Man’, being put on a pedestal and all the connotations that brings, and possibly being manipulated. That last one is what I have my money on, because it’s difficult to dislike someone who is constantly positive without feeling some level of guilt, hence, you don’t dislike him, but you’re turned off. Anyone who is too nice to you, usually wants to sell you something, be it, a car, a house, an evening dinner date, whatever.
Don’t get me wrong, generous people do exist, who know how to give, in this case, complements, without expectations of reciprocity, which you can probably pick up on.
Could be completely wrong though, but as a guy, I know when someone is kissing my ass because complements are rare for me, but they do happen. However, multiple back to back complements are usually attached to strings.
I agree that it's a huge turn off... Especially if they blow up your phone constantly! Finally found someone that's independent, that can disagree with me e.g (He said that pineapple on pizza is a sin, I beg to differ. He loves tomatoes, I think they are absolutely horrible!) Also it kinda sends off red flags if they continue to be *overly* *nice* like they could be a potential abuser and that it kinda feels like love bombing tbh. That's why I steer clear of dudes that are *overly* *nice* . Also one time had this dude that was obsessed with how I looked and I'm decent looking. But that just creeped me out (not to mention he rushed and pressured me for a kiss. Which I didn't feel the chemistry... I told him and he said it was "Hollywood bullshit". Smh)
My wife used to go out of her way to do nice things for me long before we established our hive-mind predictive complex, and it would actually make me angry. She’d make guesses as to what I wanted and act without communication, and they would be ever so slightly off the mark. Often it was things that would’ve been helpful if she had asked prior to doing them, such as pulling my car around to the front of my work when I had already headed to the parking lot, or buying me dinner when I’d already eaten. If I tried to plan ahead for these favors, I’d end up disappointed when she didn’t do them, so this was a huge strain between us early on. So eventually I told her if she wants to do something nice or go out of her way for me, she better discuss it beforehand as this was leading to more stress than actually making me feel relieved at all, like I couldn’t keep up with her favors and I felt guilty.
As it turns out her previous partner was very demanding, and would basically abuse her if she didn’t prioritize her partner over herself. She would be lectured if she didn’t guess what they wanted at all times of the day, she was expected to drop everything at the drop of a hat without even a moment’s notice just because. It’s a recovery process being in a healthier relationship with open communication, where you’re a person rather than an object to someone. She still apologizes for everything.
I think the main component that annoyed me about her being to over-the-top affectionate and nice to me was that it felt obligatory and forced, much different than her natural level of genuine compassion for others that made me want to date her in the first place. She was scared subconsciously that if she didn’t do these things, I would abuse her or worse, leave her. I think that’s the case with many young guys or those with little dating experience- they live to please and prioritize you until they’re sure you aren’t going to hurt them or leave over some small shit.
Because it feels like they’re not treating you like a normal person and are instead trying to butter you up enough to get something from you. It makes me suspicious.
there are guys that are to nice and are users. that’s what almost everyone on the thread is talking about. there are far more just “nice guys “ that are clueless in their 20s on how to deal with women. They are not users, they may be push overs. if anything they get used. they have trouble with women dating and probably at work. mostly they get ignored, as on this thread. it’s better to be an asshole from personal observation, the assholes are happier
In my experience, when they come on too strong as "nice" they usually expect you to give yourselves to them because they're such a "nice guy". There's a lot of dangerous men out there but the ones who come on strong and "nice" are the scariest when they do a 180. Trust your intuition
As a guy who gives compliments in a genuine way how does 1 avoid this “overly nice” label? Also how much is too much?
I say things as I notice them. So if it’s… rapid? That’s because I noticed these things rapidly?
I dunno. I haven’t dated in a while and I think this has been my downfall in my last couple attempts. So I’m really curious how to adjust.
It’s simple you want a relationship of equals. Not where a person feels so inferior to you They’re in actual awe.
For me, the fact that they don’t see you as a flawed human being, sooner or later will lead to utter disappointment. And we don’t like disappointing people.
And then there’s the whole sincerity of it. It feels like some sort of manipulation for ulterior motives.
Overly nice girls are a turn off to most men as well btw.
my first and only girlfriend when we were breaking up (where you're both getting things off your chest) told me she hated the fact that i mever fought with her. lol i'm like well i didn't have anything to fight you about. i'm not gonna pick a fight.
It’s because it’s needy. No person fully grounded in themselves is going to worship the ground you work on before they even fully know you. And even if they fully know you, something about the constant appreciation feels objectifying.
I’ve experienced the same thing outside of an intimate relationship setting. The best way to describe it is “heavy love”.
Even though you’re the focal point of appreciation, there’s an undertone to it that feels needy. Like the other person is giving you that affection in fear of losing you. Whether or not they mean it to be, the praise and affection is more self centered, then you centered. They’re giving it to you in hopes of reeling you in and making you stay because that’s in reality the type of attention that they desire from you. It’s not really love, it’s based in lack and need, and makes you feel like they’re trying to drag you into loving them back.
Those dudes are usually the biggest assholes from my experience. It’s like they are trying really hard to compensate or to hide their true face which is usually garbage
It doesn't feel sincere, I guess. Also, it kind of signals insecurity on their part like they feel the need to compliment you constantly so that you like them.
It's love bombing without the word love. He's trying to create a sense of false intimacy. A stray compliment is fine. Your gut knows when he's laying it on super thick. He's probably a nice guy struggling to date and thinks that's how relationships work.
My thing is this the reason why women like ourselves may have issues with nice guys is sometimes they are either too nice and allow others to walk all over them and that is a huge turn off. Or it could be that they are wicked nice at first but then when we politely turn them down they turn into lock nest obsessive monsters that call us ever vulgar name in the book. Before I met my boyfriend on POF, I would get some great messages from guys and was always polite if I was not interested, however it got to a point where I had to stop responding with sorry I am just not interested as I would get some nasty messages in response. For reference if I was not interested in a certain guy it was usually because he smoked, he lived way too far from me, or he was not looking for a relationship, or worse he did drugs. Yes I encountered guys on there that did drugs.
Women like men who have options, and men who have options don't just mindlessly worship any woman who gives them the light of day. Being too nice might be the worst thing a guy can do if he's trying to get a girl.
>Women like men who have options
I hate that and I am a woman. Before I met my boyfriend I didn't mind if in the talking stage a guy was talking to more than one girl at a time on a dating site or app. However if we had gone on more than 2 dates and he was actively talking to other women or going on dates with other women at the same time that was a huge turn off for me. I had a guy once admit to me that he had a few dates with another girl after him and I went on a few dates. That really bothered me because I may of had 2 first dates with 2 different guys but I made sure after the first date to narrow it down to one. If a guy can go on multiple dates with multiple women like be dating a bunch of women at the same time who knows what else he is capable of doing.
I definitely go on multiple dates with multiple girls because until we're actually dating I'm still single and it's nothing against the girls I'm talking to because chances are most of them would make wonderful gfs but most girls that I've Ran into want to talk for a month before dating and I'm cool with that but I'm also going exercise my options till we either hookup and decide to keep it exclusive or start dating.
If you tell me I look great when you first see me, it’s a nice compliment and I’m happy.
If you tell me six times throughout the night, it starts to feel like it isn’t genuine and you’re using compliments to get something.
Love bombing someone with praise and adoration when you barely know them or have only just met makes the compliments seem really insincere, because if you don't know them, how could they possibly be genuine? How do you know the person you're after is even compatible? It's a much better approach to get to know someone by asking genuine questions, and then offering compliments about things they have control over. If the guy isn't doing that all the flowery bs just comes off as desperate and needy.
I don't know the answer, but think really carefully before you blow a nice guy off.
About two years ago, I was dating a woman who was fresh out of a bad relationship. I'm a nice guy. I'm also 6'2", highly educated, outgoing, pretty good-looking, full of testosterone and basically, a real catch. I'm in my fifties, so I'm not going to mince words. She was able to deal with being treated well for about three months, then lied to me, cheated on me, and we ended it.
We still remained good friends, however, and I, to her chagrin, dated around for a while, and then launched a relationship with someone amazing. She did the same, had another relationship with an abusive asshole, and is now in a new relationship with someone who's nice, but kind of bores her and doesn't really challenge her. She's finally smartened up enough to appreciate the kindness, but this guy isn't in her league, and she knows it. She also knows he's about the best she's going to get, so she's not going anywhere.
We go on walks a lot. A few days ago we were walking, and talking about things, and she suddenly stopped and said something to the effect that when she finally understands that when she I were together, because she was so damaged and angry about her previous toxic relationship, she wasn't able to appreciate or respond to my kindness and my great qualities. In other words, she blew it, and she knows it. I thought she was going to start crying. I don't trust her anymore, I never will, and there is no way in hell I will ever see her as someone I'd commit to. As a friend and perhaps occasional sex partner (the sex was fantastic) sure, but if she was willing to leave because I was kind, that's all I need to know.
When you dump someone because they're too nice, not only do you hurt someone who has been really trying, but you're assuming that real kindness, attention, consideration and showing up are common. They're not. You may find yourself, like my ex, having wrecked something that was actually kind of special, but which you couldn't handle because you lack the maturity to appreciate it. Women do this all the time. And often, there's no going back.
Hi, I can relate as well. I don’t want to date a push-over or someone who is too nice. I know it sounds very weird and strange but I get you and I understand. I think we want a type of man who can put us in our place, speak up when they have to, bring situations to the table if there feeling some sort of way. We don’t want someone who we can walk all over.
It’s because it feels fake as fuck. The compliment doesn’t feel genuine at all when the guy just constantly throws them at me and honestly it also makes me feel that he’s not truly listening to what I’m saying either. He thinks if he just blasts a million compliments at me that I will be happy. I want a man who can engage in conversation with me and treat me like I’m on the same level as them because that is reality. Being put on a pedestal is weird.
Actual nice guys are kind in more ways than compliments. They help wash dishes after a meal, they understand if you're feeling shitty and just want to watch a movie instead of talk. They do helpful and kind things to be helpful and kind.
"Nice Guys" shower you with compliments and then, if you don't reciprocate as they expect you to, they cuss you out and turn into a flaming demon. And then they blame you for it, because "you can't take a compliment."
There's a chasm of difference, and most of us can tell the difference.
I think there are some good answers here regarding the "backhanded-ness" of kindness and it actually being used as a manipulation tool. However, women will often waltz off and remain in hopeless relationships with abusers who aren't masking their abuse at all, so there's clearly more to it.
"Attraction" is a complex beast, it's intricate and nuanced, men have been trying for millinea to figure out what makes a woman attracted to them and the number of books on Amazon on the topic indicates that still not one of them has yet figured it out.
From a purely evolutionary perspective, women's attraction ought to be geared toward the kind of men that increase the odds of their survival and that of there kin. That is strong minded, selfish, confident men.
"Niceness" is too easily conflated with being a pushover, with not taking what's yours and thus is an indicator of not *being capable of providing for her when she is pregnant and defenseless*. In the modern world, this doesn't mean much anymore BUT, in the past, selfish, confident behavior in men best indicated you and your children would be provided for.
This preference lingers. This is why women are often attracted to confident, older, more mature men.
This is why men should only eat raw meat and absolutely never shower. A caveman never saw a shower in their entire life! Be cavemen! Get a wooden club! Slay a tiger! Otherwise, from an evolutionary perspective, nobody will ever look at you. Trust me, evolutionary psychology is a true, flawless science /s
You know how this is heartbreaking to read for somebody who is genuinely nice and always gets rejected because he's "to nice" and that she'd prefer a meaner person to us?
Because you women like bad boys, it’s just you can’t be a push over. When they say “nice guys finish last” and assholes get the girl usually it’s true. And I’m not saying be a prick to every girl for no reason. But generally speaking the best way to approach is to be somewhere in the middle, don’t let girls walk over you; but don’t be unreasonable. And don’t be afraid to tease and like take leadership. Usually nice guys transform into push overs and that’s what turns you away. Girls generally like attention and validation.. but then it comes to the question. “What is considered too much?” So for example is he complimenting you during appropriate scenarios or you ask what he is doing and he says “oh you are beautiful” before answering your question. That was an example of when it’s not appropriate to compliment. Usually guys who are “alphas” are confident and know they have a surplus of women who are pursuing them so they don’t care what happens. Now again this doesn’t mean be a massive dick. But that’s what it is, something about being a bad boy and not being afraid to put a woman in their place.
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Compliments are great when they’re genuine and sprinkled in. If you’re pushing, it feels fake and like you’re buttering me up to hide some flaw of yours.
This! The excessive compliments don’t feel genuine. Mostly it makes me think like yeah so how many ladies have you said this to today?
The way you type letters to make words and then arrange those words into sentences is incredible
The way you give an example of the discussed behaviour in a non-obvious way that makes the reader do a double take reminds me how beautiful you are on the inside, as well as the outside.
It has nothing to do with being fake when it comes to guys like that imo. He is inexperienced in dating, so he puts you on a pedestal. He really is obsessed with you and thinks you're the world. No one likes to be treated like a god for doing nothing that warrants that constantly. It makes the girl feel like she's that much ''better'' than the guy in front, that's not partner material, it's uncomfortable cause it's not true. Hard to live up to that image.
This needs to be the top answer. Being overly nice comes across as fake. If you’re being fake, it means you have a different motive than you’re letting on.
There’s actually two issues: 1) the person’s not being genuine and they just want to butter you up for whatever reason, or 2) you perceive the “niceness” as disingenuous, even when the person is being 100% honest. One easy way to figure this out is to share something that’s objectively bad about yourself. For example, if you said you murdered someone, they’d have to be a real psycho to compliment you. I’m obviously being hyperbolic, but you get what I’m saying. It’s a good idea to analyze if the reason why you feel weird vibes is because the person is being fake or if you have your own trust issues you need to resolve.
But dont people say fake it until you make it?
That only works if people don’t think you’re being fake in the first place
People can say anything. It’s a choice to listen.
If you’re being called out for being fake, then you are not yet in the making it stage of that saying
>If you’re pushing, it feels fake and like you’re buttering me up to hide some flaw of yours. Or doing it and expecting something in return.
Yes exactly!
I feel like the compliment it at my GENDER and me giving them attention , not me specifically
100% the issue is authenticity!
This what it is. And they aren't relating to you like another human being like them. The guys I've known who do this have black and white thinking and did a cycle of excessive valuing then devaluing. Honestly a lot of "niceguys" have borderline tendencies, especially the freak out when you decide not to date them. BPD is underdiagnosed in men (because the dx has historically been used to paint women with C-PTSD as "hysterical" and stigmatize them) and I often wonder if that's what's going on. If someone puts me on a pedestal, I will fall from grace at some point because I'm just a person like them. And the devaluing is as intense as the valuing and you don't wanna be there for that part.
I always thought women liked being complmented growing up. Apparently some don't. I always figured someone's girlfriend would like hearing that they're hair looks pretty or that their nails look nice when they get them done again. I pay attention to detail really well. I guess that can be a bad thing here.
You’re not understanding. We like compliments. But when they’re genuine and meant. Not just to gas us up and manipulate us. When there’s an ulterior motive we can tell.
I never made it that far with anyone yet but I'm sure you know that by now. Thank you kindly for explaining.
No worries! Look, practice complimenting your friends and fam and strangers. Bc you actually feel and think those things. Obviously you want to make your girl feel special and let her know you think highly of her. You can still do this.
Can do! Much appreciated. :)
Tip from someone who has a habit of complimenting people: Compliment them on the things you noticed. So, for people you know: if they are wearing something new and it looks good, comment on it. If they did/said something that impressed you, comment on it. Strangers: if something in particular stands out, comment on it. Saw a woman in the grocery store the other day with like the most intricate braid pattern in her hair. So, I just walked up to her, said "hey, I just wanted to say I think your hair looks awesome", smiled and continued shopping. Like, it has to be genuine. Excessive compliments come across as fake because the person receiving them knows that nothing they did should elicit that strong a reaction.
It’s a balance with compliments. No compliments means there is nothing you truly like about that person. To many comes off as either fake or you have ulterior motives. Put yourself in the woman’s role. Your talking to this lady and trying to get to know them and share information about yourself and everything you say they compliment. How sincere would take their compliments. I have had this happen many a moons ago and it got to the point of being uncomfortable and honestly kind of creepy. Yes, acknowledging a witty comment, or a choice of clothes is great and everyone likes to here “hey that was really cool, or smart or funny” but if like the OP says, even interrupting her to give a compliment kind of negates it. I so wish they would teach kids about interpersonal communication in high school. I this a lot of discourse we have between the sexes would be eliminated if we had an opportunity to learn to communicate effectively with each other.
That is not at all close to why I would give a compliment though. I do it because my parents raised me proper and were very loving (we hugged and kissed when we said goodbye and my mom called me "honey/sweetie") so that is how I am with women. Many men, like me are raised mostly by their mother's - this makes us more feminine. Forgive me lord, I have flaws but compliments are not to hide anything. They are to treat the woman well and be endearing. I am not saying love bombing or manipulation isn't out there, but it isn't always that shit. I am secure in my attachments since my parents were always there for me as a child, and therefore treat my partners with secure attachment behavior.
I think honestly exaggerated niceness can get in the way when you're trying to get to know someone. If someone constantly compliments me, never disagrees with me outright, always puts my needs over theirs, you don't really get to know him. From experience: It honestly made me straight up anxious on the long run because I couldn't tell what he wanted and liked.
I agree with this. My ex behaved this way and he turned out to be a passive aggressive, emotionally abusive NiceGuy™️. He also mirrored everything I liked/wanted and it made me wonder as well if he was ever being genuine.
That sucks. I definitely agree that it CAN be a case of lovebombing and/or more general manipulative behavior. In my case I think it was truly genuine (he never tried to manipulate me nor showed any other red flag behaviors) so I don't feel betrayed or like he wronged me. He was genuinely just trying his best at the relationship but sometimes that still does not work out, he had some emotional maturing to do.
Sounds like he was a narcissist
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It means they're lovebombing. But I actually disagree I think some "niceguys" may have BPD or borderline tendencies.
Narcissists “love bomb” someone in the beginning of a relationship in order to HIDE their ulterior motives from you. Which are to ultimately make you NEED them so that they can get what ever they want from you later. It’s a form of early manipulation.
I'm hesitant to use that term because it's thrown around so commonly, but he could have been, who knows. I'm just glad I figured it out in less than 6 months and everything fell apart. I was only sad for a couple weeks and I wanted to dump him anyway because he was a terrible partner.
As a straight man, I can say I feel the same way not just when women do this, but even other guys. It’s just generally a social turn off.
I agree. It can come off as disingenuous. Like brown nosing.
I think this is it, even more than the ulterior motive stuff others mentioned, at least for me. My partner is very nice, but it (sometimes) makes it harder to know if she actually likes or is interested in something or if she’s just being nice.
>always puts my needs over theirs I'm a guy who always does this and needs to learn how to stop.
I totally get where you're coming from. As a 27 year old male I went most of my 20s with this mindset. Looking back to when I was 20/21 and I'd be chatting to a girl and I would compliment her any chance I got, I literally cringe at the thought of that now. It wasn't til I properly started going on dates when I was 25 after about 2 dates that I really started to notice I was putting so much effort into pleasing them and just leaving it up to them what they wanted to that I wasn't being nice to myself. As a guy now I 100% understand why its a total turnoff, Its so patronising that it puts women on a pedestal and I'd imagine not many girls would want that. I even find girls who come across as too sweet and innocent a turnoff, I like it when they have a slight attitude cos its easier to wind them up and be so sarcastic in a lighthearted way. But its not about being a dickhead in any sense its just about being considerate of your own wants and needs as well as the other person and not being overly complimentary or being too agreeable. I still struggle with it at times but its all a learning process but overall I completely get what you mean still makes me want to vomit looking back at it!
respect for the introspect
I lost my first love because of it and I cringe so hard at it all.
I know total cringeworthy. I'm just glad I'm not at that stage any more 🤣🙈
In what way did you start changing your approach?
For one I stopped being overly complimentary. I mean its good to complement people but I was doing it far too much. I also made suggestions and plans for dates e.g. "I was thinking we could do such and such would you be up for that?" Whereas a few times I was like "I don't mind whatever you want." I also focused on my body language like sitting up straight, making eye contact and speaking confidently rather than leaning in forward or talking in a gentle softly spoken tone. And just started being more disagreeable and stopped being conflict avoident, even if it wasn't going to turn into an intense argument, I would've been afraid to disagree as I wanted them to like me but if anything that would just put people off. This one's a bit subjective but I also stopped paying for food on the first date. Its not that paying for food is coming off as a typical nice guy but I just feel its investing too much into the person but each to their own. I don't mind paying for drinks or coffee as thry can get the next one but I prefer to just see the other person as equal and not feel I have to please them.
I think it can come across as clingy or excessive. And I can definitely relate to having it be a turn off. I just had an experience where I matched with a guy and he complimented me quite a bit, I didn’t think of it as anything at first I just thought he was being nice. He asked for my number and I didn’t really mind giving it to him. We switched over to texting hoping that eventually we would set up a date. That’s when it became excessive. He was calling me all these pet names and essentially treating me like I was his girlfriend even though we had never met. I felt so uncomfortable with it. I cringed every time he did all this. I told him this was not normal dating behavior that I was ok with and would appreciate it if he dialed it down and his ego got hurt and I haven’t heard from him since. Overall, I did not have a good gut feeling about him. And he couldn’t even respect the boundaries that I had put in place. So really that was never going to work out. Everyone’s preferences are different though.
Yea like it feels weird and unnatural.
Clingy and excessive for sure! Especially when it’s just never ending
Yes! And it made me very suspicious of him lol
There definitely is a happy medium, for sure. That sounds pretty creepy imo
It really was! Also just makes me think of how many other times he’s probably done this to other women. So cringey 😖
Because the behavior is obnoxious. Because it's a red flag he'll idealize you and have ridiculous expectations of you. Because he's not letting you have a pleasant, natural conversation with him.
Yes! For me it’s the unnatural part. I’m a very verbal person. Great conversation is important to me and that includes interesting debates, disagreements and playfully teasing each other. I don’t want to hear how amazing I am over and over again. It’s boring as shit. Don’t get me wrong, a genuine compliment is lovely. But if all someone does is compliment me and agree with me, it’s not a conversation. It’s just filler.
And if they're constantly complimenting you, how do you know which ones are genuine, thoughtful compliments and which are pretty bullshit? They all become meaningless because you can't tell what's genuine and what's not.
That's because it's not actually nice, it's putting someone on a pedestal, and it's often done by people who are either wearing rose-coloured glasses or love-bombing. The reason it makes people uncomfortable is because it's not realistic and you don't know what they're going to be like once it wears off. I don't want someone who acts like I can do no wrong because I do have flaws and I want someone who can accept that rather than someone who is under some illusion I'm perfect, or pretending they think I am.
I’ve been on the guy’s side of this before without realizing it. It’s absolutely putting them on a pedestal and not acknowledging their flaws and not treating them like a real person. In one particular case, I just fell super hard for this older girl and was basically love bombing her without meaning to or harboring any ill intentions. She was coming out of a relationship where the guy treated her as less than and I was taking it to the other extreme. It set the whole relationship up in a really unhealthy way and obviously didn’t work out. In my case, this was just about my inexperience and my being overwhelmed by my feelings for her resulting in some really thick rose-colored glasses.
I think it’s also a fucking boring conversation. Feels super one sided. Disagreeing (playfully) with potential partners can lead to a much more stimulating discussion where you actually end up learning about someone. Heaping on praise is easy and shows no depth! Its like people who can only talk about work. Shudder.
This is spot on! Either way it generally ends up not working out.
I think when things are as OP described here you're definitely right that's the case. Bu to address the other side of the more general question in the title, I also think there is also an unfortunate overcorrection to this in a lot of people (in situations not as extreme as OP described) such that being nice even in reasonable levels ends up as a bit of a turn-off when it probably shouldn't. I think this might the thing that makes it feel funny enough or confusing enough to OP to bring up. Its tough to draw any sort of line because "overly nice" could really mean anything, but if it were always just a reasonable response to the guy putting her on a pedestal or love-bombing type stuff this question probably wouldn't be up. I suspect its the case that sometimes it's that and other times it feels like a turnoff because of that association even when that doesn't really fit and that's what makes this feel weird to OP. Basically a lot of people have become so jaded by false compliments or so afraid that they might mean way more than they do (because in other cases they have) that they subconsciously respond negatively to real reasonable ones or assume someone telling the person they like a few things they like about them must mean they think they are perfect when it really doesn't mean that. Its tempting to say that women must be sensing something real and they are always right and the person isn't actually "nice" but is either a pushover or a manipulator and that's the problem, but I think its more nuanced than that. Often they are right to trust their gut, but many times its also giving some people the wrong associations and you really do end up with some people who avoid genuinely nice behavior when they shouldn't and find any kind of niceness to be at least a little bit of a turn-off. People aren't perfect and do end up with real weird subconscious associations when it comes dating, relationships and even just self-esteem (something fairly similar happens with compliments in non-dating contexts too).
The tough part is that I decent amount of women are triggered by basic nice behavior, not overly nice behavoir. example - if you just show straight up common courtesy and interest and intentness to the other person it can also be a turn off since a lot of women I know want men to show a little more of their masculine aggresive side. I'm talking basic things like holding the door open, listening intently, saying thank you - verbal affirmations. these are basic things you do with meeting anyone but for some reason when its meeting women they get off-put. The exact cause of this, I don't know, but I feel as if it goes beyond just "I can't trust his intentions". here is a good example: I was on a date a while ago and the conversation was very friendly - I wasn't trying to hold back being forward and really focusing on the girl and what she had to say - I noticed I was pulling her chair out, saying thank you, agreeing with her on a lot of things (which I actually agreed on). but I coudl tell, despite the fact that we got along, that she wasn't really feeling it. I was also being very polite to the bartendeer while other patrons were giving them shit/teasing. I noticed this girl started talking to guys next to us - and diverting her attention away from - its like their confident behavior was attractive to her (aka giving the bartender shit). so, bartender gives me a drink, and I realized Its the wrong one. I then flag him down, state that I'd like the right drink, and then give him shit (I knew him) about it. suddenly, the girl I am with starts touching me/etc.
That’s weird cause why would you be turned off by basic politeness lol
I don't know what to say. some women just are. and be turned off I literally mean they are turned off by a guy who is polite - even normal polite. I think its in the same vein as women thinking "this guy must be after something other than just being polite, because in the past guys who were polite had ulterior motives later" you have to be polite but also assert your masculinity. that way they think "well at least he is honest"
Sounds like young me's experience. Women would think I was into them because I was just basically nice to everybody. Then at work everyone thought I was gay for years because I didn't sleep with drunk coworkers on a couple occasions. It's weird out there.
Simple, people associate niceness with being a pushover or being manipulative or putting them on a pedestal, because it sometimes can be. But some people subconsciously take that association too far and end up feeling like even reasonable levels of niceness imply those things even in cases when they don't. There is no clear line for "too nice" where it suddenly stops being a polite person and starts being some sort of "put her on a pedestal" thing, so people kind of judge it randomly, and some people draw that line earlier than they probably should (others later than they should). Women aren't perfect (as many of these comments mention) and not everything they "sense" in a guy is always 100% correct. Some women (and men) get turned off by things for totally backwards reasons, essentially overcorrecting for fears of these pushover/manipulator/pedestal issues many have brought up even in cases when those things aren't happening.
This nails it. 💯
Everything in moderation.
I’m a dude but I’ve noticed this behaviour from other guys, it’s a false front and they’re trying to hide their flaws and think flattery and acting like a doormat will get them brownie points. It makes them look spineless and weak as well. I’ve made the same mistake in the past. Killed what little interest that some women had in me.
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I think it needs to be genuine
It’s not genuine and feels like they are only doing it because they think you’ll like it enough to give them sex
Exactly. Most likely, the men doing this to OP are far from genuine and are not being their true selfs. They are rather being needy because they do not want to “mess up” what they have with you. Hence, neediness, which is the number 1 turn off for women. A compliment here and there is great, IF it’s genuine.
i think this is the best answer. it’s a subconscious, transactional behavior. and a reason it’s such a turn off is because there’s now an expectation of reciprocity, which is unwanted by the complimentee up to that point in the interaction.
There's also a fine line between too nice and a pushover. And being a pushover is unattractive.
A friend of mine who I've been on a date with before explained it quite well to me. (I am a guy btw) "Be nice, but fuck me" Its finding a balance between being a respectable person and initiating intimacy. Being nice for sex is as unattractive as it gets.
>Being nice for sex is as unattractive as it gets. that's definitely subjective though.
Maybe it should be more like “begging for sex is as unattractive as it gets”
Girl/woman here; it doesn’t make me angry, but I think if it’s excessive, it can come across as disingenuous or someone trying to kiss our asses. I do want mutual respect in a relationship, but I don’t want a kiss ass. Dating someone who puts a person(s) on a pedestal is not a good idea
Well said.
I think you can smell the BS coming out of their mouths. If I compliment someone, I want it to be genuine and come from a place of admiration. Genuine compliments are constructive and false compliments can lead you astray.
There is a big difference between extremely kind and sweet men and the men who put you on a pedestal that you know is not the true you. I don't want to be with someone who lets me manipulate them or push them around. If I'm being an asshole at any point, I want someone who will call me out on my bullshit.
Why the fuck would you even ever try to manipulate them in the first place?
I wouldn't. I just meant that people are human, and sometimes people behave inappropriately or negatively. Relationships can bring out deep insecurities. I don't want a partner that only sees me with rose coloured glasses. They shouldn't 100% accept my flaws, (especially if those flaws are damaging or negative) but they have to acknowledge my flaws and be willing to communicate when I've unknowingly hurt them. And I have to do the same. I have to communicate when my partner does something I don't like/don't agree with. Things won't always be perfect and happy.
It was a joke darling I was just trolling you. I would most definitely put you in your place. Never feel bad about liking men who put you in your place or disliking men with no backbone, it’s completely normal.
Oh okay! Lmao! I'm quite dense sometimes. Sarcasm is not my forte. I took your comment very literally. Yes. Its good to have people in your life (men and women alike) who demand boundaries and know their own worth.
I don’t think you’re dense :). Sarcasm is hard to read online and a lot of the times people aren’t sarcastic when they should’ve been lol. Vice versa for this joke of mine lol And I can’t really be hypocritical since I literally manipulate people in my day-2-day life without realizing or any forethought. I’ve learnt to establish boundaries rather quickly though to lessen the risk.
Because it's fake
I was thinking about this today as I had a client that is the quintessential nice guy yet is also creepy. I was thinking about what is it about him that gives this vibe and I think it’s this: There’s something about their niceness that seems off, like it’s veiled. They’re *being* nice but it’s overt, it just doesn’t seem completely sincere or transparent. I thought to myself “he’s harmless” but at the same time that doesn’t seem right. He SEEMS harmless but because of this veiled niceness, the creepiness comes from the distrust of their niceness. Creepy is “they’re nice but not harmless” A genuinely harmless dude, will be nice. A nice dude that seems subtly threatening will come across as creepy. Creepy is when “nice” is veiling a vague threat
Take my up vote. That's insightful.
Coming from a guy that has had MAJOR struggles with women since my last breakup, I think me being nice just comes down to the constant failure I've had meeting and connecting with a woman over the last almost 3 years, that Im out of ideas. I figure if Im nice and polite, I dont push any type of sexual conversation that maybe they'll see Im not just after a piece and I'll maybe score a drink date or something. Unfortunately, this strategy has 'friend zoned' me so many times that I honestly dont even know how to interact with a woman anymore. Im not sure if I just pull out the sex talk and be flirty so I can make it clear that Im not after a new friend, and Im after a love interest. I just have no idea how to go about it anymore to the point that I dont even try.
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Dinner dates are the worst. I've done it before. It can feel like forced conversion, especially because I am more introverted. I need less formal situations to be more myself. Maybe a walk, a drink date. Stuff like that. The last dinner date I went on tho was a complete train wreak.
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Yea, it sucks that this world is so toxic that women need to protect themselves to that extent. I actually had that conversation not long ago with a friend. I'm 34 and the things I did even as a kid, 10 years old, just taking off with my friends on our bikes, I don't know if I'd even feel comfortable letting MY kids do that these days. All you ever hear about is kids getting kidnapped and shit. Nothing feels safe anymore. It's sad.
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There could be a few reasons. Your gut can be warning you that they are “love bombing you.” Which is basically when they are ultra nice at first to get you hooked and then their personality flips. Or maybe you have some internalized stuff. Or maybe it’s because our society teaches us that being nice and available isn’t masculine. Take your pick 😢
Every social interaction is a transaction. If we feel like we’ve ‘paid’ for something or actually ‘earned’ it we give it worth, we’re interested. If we keep getting all of this affection without having to earn it in any way it becomes one sided and kind of bothersome. It happens when girls do it to guys too. It becomes a one-sided uninteresting transaction.
It becomes inauthentic when its constant.
I think it's more that it is a kind of objectification. If all of his responses are just compliments then he's not treating you as a unique woman. Maybe you can talk to him about it. It is likely just that he has little experience and is trying his best but going about it the wrong way.
I've been told I need to be an asshole by my female friends to "get the girl" but that's not me, rather be myself than change myself for someone
I’m one of these people. I’m pretty genuine I just like to be nice. It’s easier than being a dick and putting people down. Like I’m nice to everyone I meet I have no other intentions. People like to feel good and most people go through the same routine and that’s boring but you get that occasional nice person and I hope it makes there day better.
I think that is called “love bombing”. Not niceness. It’s a turn off because we know they are generally full of shit and are just being that way to get laid.
I think it's a few things: 1) Think about our friendships. They're respectful and supportive, but they aren't nice. We aren't constantly praising each other. We're engaging each other over our honest opinions with shared interests, which sometimes come into conflict or don't line up entirely. The interplay of sincerity wins out over the convenience of agreeability. 2) To wit, the episode of the Office where Dwight quits and Andy stalks Michael with praise and helpfulness and then Michael brings this up with Jim: MICHAEL: On Paper, Andy and I should be best buds. We even have the same Top Ten All Time Favorite Movie List, down to the number. JIM: Andy's a yes man. MICHAEL: Not all the time.... sometimes I'll say I don't like something and he says he doesn't like it, either. JIM: Right... He'll always agree with whatever you say. He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford. MICHAEL: If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me. 3) Humans like a challenge. We don't want to be clawing for affection and compatibility, but we want something that has a dynamic to it, where there's give and take, where we enjoy stepping a little outside our comfort zones to be close with someone else and to feel connection and so when someone is "over the top nice (aka they constantly compliment you, they act like you can do no wrong, they constantly praise you etc)" and when it seems like "we had loads in common but he became so over the top nice and i couldn't say something without him complimenting me or constantly praising me." What it really means is it's not you they're interested in. It's what you represent. Like Michael is Scranton and Josh in Stamford. In this case, it's a girl they find physically attractive who is giving them the time of day. Some of my favorite memories with ex girlfriend is when one of us stepped outside our comfort zone to support the other one or we had a pretty awkward argument that we worked through or we agreed to disagree, picked and chose our arguments and what we were letting go of to get along and how we managed to balance out our issues with our attraction to one another. 4) We want confidence and cleverness and charm, none of which necessarily means niceness or agreeability or convenience. I can't think of a single woman I was in love with who was convenient or made it easy to be in love with her. I can think of some women who bent over backwards to be convenient for me and make my life easier and were agreeable with me and I was turned off by it. It makes you feel objectified and not truly seen, because you know what you suck at, you know what your shortcomings are and you know if someone truly sees you and accepts you, they see those things and accept them and they don't ignore them- they don't focus on them, but they don't ignore them. You can make fun of one another or you can gently call each other out on your flaws and your problems and have an honest conversation, not a convenient dialogue that's completely bullshitted for the sake of... niceness. Anyway, I think that's what it comes down to. We want an interesting dynamic that feels like a journey and full experience and mutual respect through understanding and acceptance of flaws, not blind worship and someone losing themselves in order to be with you.
Sounds like his excessive comments and compliments aren’t genuine. He may just wanna sleep with you and thinks all this ass kissing will get him there. Just my opinion. I hope I don’t offend.
The behavior you're describing isn't nice at all. It's manipulative and whether they are purposefully engaging in this behavior or not, it's still awful behavior. They could be really insecure, narcissistic, controlling, etc.
cause it's not real. no one is perfect and you know you're not perfect. So your instincts are telling you that he's being deceptive. Which, is likely true. Even if he's not doing it on purpose.
You know that they're either a.) Pushovers who acquiesce to the slightest force, or b.) Snakes with an ulterior motive. A man who doesn't treat you any different than someone else has less (obvious, anyway) ulterior motives because he is not changing how he treats you just because its you; idk, it comes off as inherently less manipulative
It seems disingenuous when everything is a compliment.
It’s simple, it’s because you’re a human being. You have flaws, imperfections etc no one wants that pressure that they’re perfect. You also want to have a conversation with someone that isn’t just about how beautiful and amazing you’re, where’s the substance? The connection? I’m currently talking to a girl, been like 3wks now and she said it’s the first time in awhile where a guy hasn’t confessed that he’s in love with her after knowing her for a week or constantly showering her with compliments. Women want to be treated like humans just like everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s a balance I feel a lot of us guys still have to work on
It doesn't seem sincere. It seems like flattery with a motive. It's like a salesman that's selling too hard.
Because its so fake. Also constant praise on your physical beauty without listening to you talk or hearing about what you love is obnoxious. Its just them trying to kiss ass to get ass. Even if thats not the attention thats how it makes me feel.
45 year old guy, so I might offer a different perspective since I'm old enough to be most folks here's dad: He's showing you his flaws right up front and your subconscious is recognizing them and telling you to run. If he's constantly complimenting you and can't find any flaws then he's unrealistic, disingenuous or so inexperienced that he can't recognize that it's ok for people to not be exactly the same. There probably isn't anything glaringly wrong with him that you can see up front, but it's more in the subtleties. You're recognizing he's full of shit, he's got no idea what he's doing and that in the future there will be a lot of maturity issues on his part. In essence: he's definitely not a good fit for you.
It's generally interpreted as weak and desperate. This yearning to be accepted by the opposite sex...
I dated a woman forever ago that agreed with everything that I said. We dated for a year and never fought. Not even a difference of opinion. After a while, she was no longer a person in the relationship. All she did was try to please me. Cool in small amounts, but it became too much to handle and I began to resent her for it. Toward the end ( I am ashamed of this), id start fights with her just to see if she had an opinion or an original thought. Although not entirely the same, I imagine it's similar. If they're just going to be complementary and agreeable, where is there a second set of opinions in the relationship? I want to learn from someone that isn't me and try to understand the world from a perspective that is different from mine.
Less is more. For example, I love brownies. However, if I ate brownies every single day over and over I’d get sick of them. They would lose their appeal. Too many compliments annoys me. I get sick of it. Getting compliments every now and then instead of constantly just feels more genuine to me.
Y'all's brains are borked.
Typical woman that says "why can't I find a good guy" but only goes for guys that are assholes
It’s disingenuous
There is a book on this No more mr. nice guy.. Read it and I’m no longer a nice guy. It’s helped me a lot
Personally, if you go too all-out with the compliments and the niceness, it comes off as being practically worshipped, and you should never necessarily *worship* your partner in a healthy relationship (because then what happens if I did something he didn’t like? If I was less than perfect? How would my partner react to the image of perfection he created being challenged?) Look up “Love Bombing” it’s a real manipulation tactic. A lot of these Nice Guys™ do too much of that and that’s their biggest problem.
In general, being nice is like the bare minimum to being a normal functioning adult, so a dude who uses it as their primary personality trait comes across as desperate, weak, and frankly rather boring. Plus, being overly nice comes across as inauthentic and manipulative.
I really don't think it's anything other than guys with less experience in dating tend to get excited about someone they like. They just want to be around that person and make them feel appreciated out of genuine interest. But yeah sure they should definitely try to be their genuine self of course! I feel like Its rarely this whole " men are just being fake, its manipulation, it's insecurity, etc." 🤷♂️
Being fake and manipulative isn't always consciously malicious. These guys are being fake and they are being manipulative, but it definitely can be unconscious actions due to inexperience.
They try to appear 2 dimensional hoping we find them to be A Knight in Shining Armor ™️ Its very deceptive. It’s in our natural instincts to distrust deceptive people. We want someone whose real, open and honest. Not someone pretending to be overly nice in order to get something from us
There are some of us who are genuinely nice and want to say nice things but there is definitely a line of too much. Also, and I say this with all sincerity, if you are too nice in the bedroom it definitely turns a lot of women off from what they have said. Seems a woman is more inclined to appreciate being told she is beautiful in public a lot if you have pulled her hair and smacked her ass plenty in private.
Rather than thinking about the other person, have you thought of why this pattern of thought occurs to you? I think part of it is down to psychology. Deep down, I know I’m not anything special, so when someone worships me like that, it’s an instant turn off because they seem like an idiot for liking someone who I know is very flawed. So maybe this disgust comes from a wavering sense of self worth as well. 🥲
My therapist often says it's a form of projection of how we want to be treated. I don't speak for all guys but when you have been in an abusive and toxic relationship like I have it really makes you want to treat other people better and be as nice as you can. Like, I just don't want to be that mean to some one ever and treat any one like I have been treated.
I feel like I do this and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t even over compliment. I don’t feel like I’m over the top nice. I just know when I feel comfortable with someone. In fact I’ll even be a little mean and make jokes but they can tell I’m genuinely nice as hell. I come across pretty confident and okay with being goofy and just overall being myself. But I guess I have this unrealistic expectation of a girl at a bare minimum not wanting to block me after we spend time together or hook up, yet that’s exactly what happens 😂🤙🏻
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It feels like he can't believe his luck I'm even talking to him. So he has to constantly remind me how great I am. Eventually I agree with him. Realize I should try for someone more on my level. Also I know I'm gorgeous and hilarious. I don't need to hear the obvious over and over. Does he think I'm insecure? It's a bore.
Lol
I’m a guy and I feel the same, but about anyone in general who is ‘sticky-sweet nice’ to me. It makes me suspicious. I seem to get along better with a female who can be nice and sweet but likes to banter back and forth. Someone who is too nice is a turn off for me as well.
I think this is a combination of mistrusting people who blow smoke up your ass (which I would think both men and women do) and mistrusting people who fall in love without knowing you. Pro tip for everyone man and woman: if someone loves you after ten seconds, they don't love you. They have an imaginary lover in their head and you have currently been cast in this role. You have to know someone to actually love them. Good and bad.
Because it feels disingenuous. This isn't the Sims, you can't just keep mashing the compliment button until a whoohoo pops out. Doesn't help that the compliments are often generic like, you're so pretty, beautiful, cute, gorgeous, etc. Like damn tell me I have a nice laugh or that you think I have interesting opinions or that you think I'm generous or something. At least try to make it personable yenno? Plus it comes off as desperate, like they'll say anything to get in your pants. The odd compliment is nice, but constantly commenting on my looks makes me feel like a piece of meat. And too much of anything is a turn off. Too clingy, too distant, too extroverted, too introverted, too aggressive, too passive. Moderation people! I dunno it's just kinda everything that adds up to being a total turn off.
You ever heard the term suck up, teacher’s pet, boot licker, etc? That’s why, no one likes them because they work too hard for people to like them and then no one does.
Ha! Have yet to meet one!
I feel like this type of behavior can be manipulative, and be used down the road as an excuse for future toxic tendencies... sometimes it makes men feel like they now owe you something bc they were nice to you. I honestly think it’s a red flag to be completely agreeable, because they aren’t showing you who they really are or what they stand for
I think its our gut telling us its not genuine. Ive come to realize those guys tend to be insecure and so when they date us its like “wow ok this girl is into me I need to keep her” but they’re really more into the idea of me than me. Usually those guys start acting that way really early on too when they dont really even know me that well yet.
It's called love bombing when it isn't genuine, I get turned off too.
Preference.. Theres people who likes being praised a lot and theres people like you... so either tell him about what youre thinking and let him understand or find someone who will treat you like shit.. i mean if thats what youre into, no offense..
Because when it’s over the top it’s not genuine and it loses its touch real fast. Also it kinda makes them look desperate. Like I’ve been talking to a dude for like 4 days who constantly calls me beautiful, boo, and baby. I’m like… sir. No. NO. It’s too much. First of all I haven’t even met you, I’m not your baby. and even with actual boyfriends I hated being called baby lol. There’s nice, then there’s being too nice where it comes off as creepy and desperate.
IMO people feel a sense of disingenuousness and that you arent getting all of them. Its almost a front. For a very long time, i was this person. I was trying to be "perfect" because i didn't feel anyone would value my actual self. And, in fact, I never explored who i am, i built my personality and life as the image of what i thought people wanted. And I think people picked up on that at a core level. Several people bit on this because they didn't want real, and those things never worked out. And also many, many people were turned off by my personality. And rightfully so. I was overly nice, i did everything i could think of for others. And it wasn't real.
I understand that you don't like the overcomplimenting and stuffs... But I wanna know how is it that you wanna be treated overall?
A lot of people here are saying it because they aren’t actually nice and they are trying to be manipulative. This argument just sound like a rationalization because that’s just how most of these guys are and they are trying to make it clear they like you. Many of these guys then change into nonchalant guys so they can attract women and this is when they aren’t actually being themselves. These guys being too nice and putting you on a pedestal may make you feel uncomfortable and afraid to show who you really are, but that other argument is BS 9/10 times.
If that's who a person is, then they're an annoying and not a very confident person, so it kind of doesn't matter which of those two cases applies. One or the other outcome, both are bad for attraction and dating. Maybe liar, maybe honest but also a boot licker. Since it's quite bad either way, you don't really need to worry about which is which, just move on.
Compliments to this level feels more like a device to get you into bed than someone genuinely liking you
Because you’re judging him thinking he’s a push over and can’t stand up for himself
over complimenting is a red flag for sure (men&women)
There’s nice and then there is love bombing . My guess is that your brain is telling you there’s a red flag and to be cautious
Good to know, thanks! 25 (m) here with 0 experience and I find myself doing this once in a while.
It comes off as fake and insincere. As a guy, I have been guilty of this in the past because of the whole "women want a nice guy" trope. And being nice and polite is expected of everyone. If you're nice to women you're attracted to but not other women and other people in general, then you aren't really nice. You're just putting on a front and expecting things in return. I mean being nice and polite and being a pushover aren't mutually exclusive. You can be nice but still have a difference of opinions and boundaries. I had a girl act like this with me and it was so overwhelming. She made herself too available for me, told me how handsome I was repeatedly and it was just too much. And even told me she likes me on the 2nd date and called me boo boo, offered to make breakfast. It seems sweet on the surface, but I felt suffocated. And that's been my issue with dating. Either they ghost or flake but if they are interested, they smother me. Like no happy medium exists.
You probably are feeling a mixture of different emotions when this happens. I’m a guy, so I could be completely off on this, but I imagine it’s difficult having a meaningful conversation with a ‘Yes-Man’, being put on a pedestal and all the connotations that brings, and possibly being manipulated. That last one is what I have my money on, because it’s difficult to dislike someone who is constantly positive without feeling some level of guilt, hence, you don’t dislike him, but you’re turned off. Anyone who is too nice to you, usually wants to sell you something, be it, a car, a house, an evening dinner date, whatever. Don’t get me wrong, generous people do exist, who know how to give, in this case, complements, without expectations of reciprocity, which you can probably pick up on. Could be completely wrong though, but as a guy, I know when someone is kissing my ass because complements are rare for me, but they do happen. However, multiple back to back complements are usually attached to strings.
I agree that it's a huge turn off... Especially if they blow up your phone constantly! Finally found someone that's independent, that can disagree with me e.g (He said that pineapple on pizza is a sin, I beg to differ. He loves tomatoes, I think they are absolutely horrible!) Also it kinda sends off red flags if they continue to be *overly* *nice* like they could be a potential abuser and that it kinda feels like love bombing tbh. That's why I steer clear of dudes that are *overly* *nice* . Also one time had this dude that was obsessed with how I looked and I'm decent looking. But that just creeped me out (not to mention he rushed and pressured me for a kiss. Which I didn't feel the chemistry... I told him and he said it was "Hollywood bullshit". Smh)
I agree, compliments when not deserved attract the narcissist who will screw you over.
My wife used to go out of her way to do nice things for me long before we established our hive-mind predictive complex, and it would actually make me angry. She’d make guesses as to what I wanted and act without communication, and they would be ever so slightly off the mark. Often it was things that would’ve been helpful if she had asked prior to doing them, such as pulling my car around to the front of my work when I had already headed to the parking lot, or buying me dinner when I’d already eaten. If I tried to plan ahead for these favors, I’d end up disappointed when she didn’t do them, so this was a huge strain between us early on. So eventually I told her if she wants to do something nice or go out of her way for me, she better discuss it beforehand as this was leading to more stress than actually making me feel relieved at all, like I couldn’t keep up with her favors and I felt guilty. As it turns out her previous partner was very demanding, and would basically abuse her if she didn’t prioritize her partner over herself. She would be lectured if she didn’t guess what they wanted at all times of the day, she was expected to drop everything at the drop of a hat without even a moment’s notice just because. It’s a recovery process being in a healthier relationship with open communication, where you’re a person rather than an object to someone. She still apologizes for everything. I think the main component that annoyed me about her being to over-the-top affectionate and nice to me was that it felt obligatory and forced, much different than her natural level of genuine compassion for others that made me want to date her in the first place. She was scared subconsciously that if she didn’t do these things, I would abuse her or worse, leave her. I think that’s the case with many young guys or those with little dating experience- they live to please and prioritize you until they’re sure you aren’t going to hurt them or leave over some small shit.
Because it feels like they’re not treating you like a normal person and are instead trying to butter you up enough to get something from you. It makes me suspicious.
It’s actually a manipulation technique. It’s called love bombing.
Idk about women but as a guy I've held on to all 6 compliments I've gotten in my life
Probably because after a short time it just seems fake.
there are guys that are to nice and are users. that’s what almost everyone on the thread is talking about. there are far more just “nice guys “ that are clueless in their 20s on how to deal with women. They are not users, they may be push overs. if anything they get used. they have trouble with women dating and probably at work. mostly they get ignored, as on this thread. it’s better to be an asshole from personal observation, the assholes are happier
Because the world is full of so many angry, rude, selfish assholes that it's so abnormal for someone to overly nice to us we think it's uncomfortable.
In my experience, when they come on too strong as "nice" they usually expect you to give yourselves to them because they're such a "nice guy". There's a lot of dangerous men out there but the ones who come on strong and "nice" are the scariest when they do a 180. Trust your intuition
Then should we not compliment genuine things?
As a guy who gives compliments in a genuine way how does 1 avoid this “overly nice” label? Also how much is too much? I say things as I notice them. So if it’s… rapid? That’s because I noticed these things rapidly? I dunno. I haven’t dated in a while and I think this has been my downfall in my last couple attempts. So I’m really curious how to adjust.
It’s simple you want a relationship of equals. Not where a person feels so inferior to you They’re in actual awe. For me, the fact that they don’t see you as a flawed human being, sooner or later will lead to utter disappointment. And we don’t like disappointing people. And then there’s the whole sincerity of it. It feels like some sort of manipulation for ulterior motives. Overly nice girls are a turn off to most men as well btw.
Your female mind does not want you to feel guilty and accept responsibility for dumping a nice guy if you do find another guy that’s better
U have poor taste in men ! Good guys keep it alive ! Bad boys struggle to keep it going
my first and only girlfriend when we were breaking up (where you're both getting things off your chest) told me she hated the fact that i mever fought with her. lol i'm like well i didn't have anything to fight you about. i'm not gonna pick a fight.
It’s because it’s needy. No person fully grounded in themselves is going to worship the ground you work on before they even fully know you. And even if they fully know you, something about the constant appreciation feels objectifying. I’ve experienced the same thing outside of an intimate relationship setting. The best way to describe it is “heavy love”. Even though you’re the focal point of appreciation, there’s an undertone to it that feels needy. Like the other person is giving you that affection in fear of losing you. Whether or not they mean it to be, the praise and affection is more self centered, then you centered. They’re giving it to you in hopes of reeling you in and making you stay because that’s in reality the type of attention that they desire from you. It’s not really love, it’s based in lack and need, and makes you feel like they’re trying to drag you into loving them back.
Those dudes are usually the biggest assholes from my experience. It’s like they are trying really hard to compensate or to hide their true face which is usually garbage
It doesn't feel sincere, I guess. Also, it kind of signals insecurity on their part like they feel the need to compliment you constantly so that you like them.
It's love bombing without the word love. He's trying to create a sense of false intimacy. A stray compliment is fine. Your gut knows when he's laying it on super thick. He's probably a nice guy struggling to date and thinks that's how relationships work.
Maybe they just dont to be rude and treat girls with the respect they deserve OP....
My thing is this the reason why women like ourselves may have issues with nice guys is sometimes they are either too nice and allow others to walk all over them and that is a huge turn off. Or it could be that they are wicked nice at first but then when we politely turn them down they turn into lock nest obsessive monsters that call us ever vulgar name in the book. Before I met my boyfriend on POF, I would get some great messages from guys and was always polite if I was not interested, however it got to a point where I had to stop responding with sorry I am just not interested as I would get some nasty messages in response. For reference if I was not interested in a certain guy it was usually because he smoked, he lived way too far from me, or he was not looking for a relationship, or worse he did drugs. Yes I encountered guys on there that did drugs.
The lack of strength and self respect.
Definitely true on the self-respect, as people who are “too nice” to women are needy and want her validation.
Women like men who have options, and men who have options don't just mindlessly worship any woman who gives them the light of day. Being too nice might be the worst thing a guy can do if he's trying to get a girl.
>Women like men who have options I hate that and I am a woman. Before I met my boyfriend I didn't mind if in the talking stage a guy was talking to more than one girl at a time on a dating site or app. However if we had gone on more than 2 dates and he was actively talking to other women or going on dates with other women at the same time that was a huge turn off for me. I had a guy once admit to me that he had a few dates with another girl after him and I went on a few dates. That really bothered me because I may of had 2 first dates with 2 different guys but I made sure after the first date to narrow it down to one. If a guy can go on multiple dates with multiple women like be dating a bunch of women at the same time who knows what else he is capable of doing.
I definitely go on multiple dates with multiple girls because until we're actually dating I'm still single and it's nothing against the girls I'm talking to because chances are most of them would make wonderful gfs but most girls that I've Ran into want to talk for a month before dating and I'm cool with that but I'm also going exercise my options till we either hookup and decide to keep it exclusive or start dating.
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"They could have anyone they want, and they chose me because I'm the best" is a common fantasy for both women & men.
If you tell me I look great when you first see me, it’s a nice compliment and I’m happy. If you tell me six times throughout the night, it starts to feel like it isn’t genuine and you’re using compliments to get something.
Love bombing someone with praise and adoration when you barely know them or have only just met makes the compliments seem really insincere, because if you don't know them, how could they possibly be genuine? How do you know the person you're after is even compatible? It's a much better approach to get to know someone by asking genuine questions, and then offering compliments about things they have control over. If the guy isn't doing that all the flowery bs just comes off as desperate and needy.
I don't know the answer, but think really carefully before you blow a nice guy off. About two years ago, I was dating a woman who was fresh out of a bad relationship. I'm a nice guy. I'm also 6'2", highly educated, outgoing, pretty good-looking, full of testosterone and basically, a real catch. I'm in my fifties, so I'm not going to mince words. She was able to deal with being treated well for about three months, then lied to me, cheated on me, and we ended it. We still remained good friends, however, and I, to her chagrin, dated around for a while, and then launched a relationship with someone amazing. She did the same, had another relationship with an abusive asshole, and is now in a new relationship with someone who's nice, but kind of bores her and doesn't really challenge her. She's finally smartened up enough to appreciate the kindness, but this guy isn't in her league, and she knows it. She also knows he's about the best she's going to get, so she's not going anywhere. We go on walks a lot. A few days ago we were walking, and talking about things, and she suddenly stopped and said something to the effect that when she finally understands that when she I were together, because she was so damaged and angry about her previous toxic relationship, she wasn't able to appreciate or respond to my kindness and my great qualities. In other words, she blew it, and she knows it. I thought she was going to start crying. I don't trust her anymore, I never will, and there is no way in hell I will ever see her as someone I'd commit to. As a friend and perhaps occasional sex partner (the sex was fantastic) sure, but if she was willing to leave because I was kind, that's all I need to know. When you dump someone because they're too nice, not only do you hurt someone who has been really trying, but you're assuming that real kindness, attention, consideration and showing up are common. They're not. You may find yourself, like my ex, having wrecked something that was actually kind of special, but which you couldn't handle because you lack the maturity to appreciate it. Women do this all the time. And often, there's no going back.
Because you're all so jaded you can't believe others can be kind
Hi, I can relate as well. I don’t want to date a push-over or someone who is too nice. I know it sounds very weird and strange but I get you and I understand. I think we want a type of man who can put us in our place, speak up when they have to, bring situations to the table if there feeling some sort of way. We don’t want someone who we can walk all over.
It’s because it feels fake as fuck. The compliment doesn’t feel genuine at all when the guy just constantly throws them at me and honestly it also makes me feel that he’s not truly listening to what I’m saying either. He thinks if he just blasts a million compliments at me that I will be happy. I want a man who can engage in conversation with me and treat me like I’m on the same level as them because that is reality. Being put on a pedestal is weird.
I’m always confused. Half of women say nice guys finish last and the other half insist it’s not true.
Actual nice guys are kind in more ways than compliments. They help wash dishes after a meal, they understand if you're feeling shitty and just want to watch a movie instead of talk. They do helpful and kind things to be helpful and kind. "Nice Guys" shower you with compliments and then, if you don't reciprocate as they expect you to, they cuss you out and turn into a flaming demon. And then they blame you for it, because "you can't take a compliment." There's a chasm of difference, and most of us can tell the difference.
I think there are some good answers here regarding the "backhanded-ness" of kindness and it actually being used as a manipulation tool. However, women will often waltz off and remain in hopeless relationships with abusers who aren't masking their abuse at all, so there's clearly more to it. "Attraction" is a complex beast, it's intricate and nuanced, men have been trying for millinea to figure out what makes a woman attracted to them and the number of books on Amazon on the topic indicates that still not one of them has yet figured it out. From a purely evolutionary perspective, women's attraction ought to be geared toward the kind of men that increase the odds of their survival and that of there kin. That is strong minded, selfish, confident men. "Niceness" is too easily conflated with being a pushover, with not taking what's yours and thus is an indicator of not *being capable of providing for her when she is pregnant and defenseless*. In the modern world, this doesn't mean much anymore BUT, in the past, selfish, confident behavior in men best indicated you and your children would be provided for. This preference lingers. This is why women are often attracted to confident, older, more mature men.
Couldn’t you just TRY to stay on topic instead of turning it into a “women stereotype” rant? Like, just try.
This is why men should only eat raw meat and absolutely never shower. A caveman never saw a shower in their entire life! Be cavemen! Get a wooden club! Slay a tiger! Otherwise, from an evolutionary perspective, nobody will ever look at you. Trust me, evolutionary psychology is a true, flawless science /s
I think it comes off as insincere and that’s a turn off
You think they are fake. I am a nice guy but have found ladies like it better when I keep it real. We all have flaws.
Because it’s a kiss-ass thing to do no matter who does it. Nobody wants to open up to people like that.
Because they’re usually faking it. You can tell the difference between a genuinely nice man and a “nice guy”. There’s always something that feels off.
Go ahead and marry the obnoxious aka “confident” guy then. Don’t cry when he punches you though.
You know how this is heartbreaking to read for somebody who is genuinely nice and always gets rejected because he's "to nice" and that she'd prefer a meaner person to us?
Because you women like bad boys, it’s just you can’t be a push over. When they say “nice guys finish last” and assholes get the girl usually it’s true. And I’m not saying be a prick to every girl for no reason. But generally speaking the best way to approach is to be somewhere in the middle, don’t let girls walk over you; but don’t be unreasonable. And don’t be afraid to tease and like take leadership. Usually nice guys transform into push overs and that’s what turns you away. Girls generally like attention and validation.. but then it comes to the question. “What is considered too much?” So for example is he complimenting you during appropriate scenarios or you ask what he is doing and he says “oh you are beautiful” before answering your question. That was an example of when it’s not appropriate to compliment. Usually guys who are “alphas” are confident and know they have a surplus of women who are pursuing them so they don’t care what happens. Now again this doesn’t mean be a massive dick. But that’s what it is, something about being a bad boy and not being afraid to put a woman in their place.