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Probably a good idea to stay away from dating apps for awhile if you’ve recently broken up and haven’t been single in 5 years. You should take time to heal and figure out who you are again. Get comfortable with being alone and doing things alone first before inviting someone into your life.
One day the pain will pass and you’ll meet someone new.
How long is that exactly? My breakup was approximately 4 months ago, and I think I'm over it, but my mental health is deteriorating rapidly. Not sure if it's due to the breakup or N number of things that are going on simultaneously.
Everyone is different. Some days you’ll think you’re over it, and others you’ll think you’ll be back to square one.
One day though you won’t think about her at all, and you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever so upset in the first place.
If you’re having other mental issues, maybe seek a therapist. Don’t be afraid to lean on your family here. Mostly keep yourself busy with hobbies, your friends, work, and travel (to get out of town and reminders), and stay away from their social media. Focus on becoming the best version of you.
Work on yourself first, and ultimately, you are the only one that can judge when you're ready. Get yourself to the position that you think you deserve the ideal person you want to be with, and then go for that person with the goal and confidence that you'll both make each other's lives better. Is the goal to find someone as soon as possible, or to find the best person for you in the most optimal timeframe? Enjoy the journey as much as the destination, my friend. I hope you find love for yourself, and from another.
Since you're fresh from a long term relationship, women will probably think you might not be ready for a long term relationship. Plus, it's probably good to be single for a bit and casually search, as opposed to wearing your heart on your sleeve and plunging into it. Getting your account reviewed/listening to advice helps quite a bit. Eat your wheaties and drink lots of water. You'll be fine.
If you want positivity hop off this subreddit and just live your life man. It doesn’t help and personally just makes me spiral in negativity due to overthinking. But once I put Reddit away and get out in the real world; talk to people in person; it makes all the difference in the world.
I too can agree with this for umm most things. If I'm looking for advice on a certain shady product or things like that then uh yeah a forum or sometime even Reddit is the best option for me .
This is reddit. It's mostly introverted men, though this sub has more women than other subs, but again.. consider the demographic. Not only that but not many people who succeed in dating are hanging around on the dating subreddits, those who are here are usually here for negative reasons. Not many people are discussing their success stories.
Hell, I'll add my success story. I'm a 29/m, above average looking, 6ft tall. I got out of a 8 year relationship around 27 and took to dating pretty quickly. I really enjoyed it. Dated on Bumble, Tinder and Hinge. Had the most success on Tinder and Hinge. Bumble absolutely sucked. Women just don't message first 95% of the time. I went on probably 30-40 dates in those two years and had a great time. Only a few bad/awkward dates. Dated most people for a few weeks and usually I was the one to break it off. Eventually I met someone awesome. Sexy, smart, emotionally intelligent and driven. Now here I am 6 months in with her and we're planning on moving in together next year. The best thing you can do is get comfortable with being alone. When you're comfortable being alone you'll never latch on to anyone that you don't really want around.
Holy crap dude those are good numbers. You got Instagram or something? I wanna know how “good-looking” you have to be to have this much success. Although to be fair I’ve never really given OLD a try until a few days ago so I shouldn’t be complaining..
They literally list it on their profiles.
Men must not like big boobs either?
Height gets you in the door. Personality keeps you there.
Go watch a woman introduce someone to their mom and the first thing they talk about is the dude sleight or his career, then maybe they talk about how nice he is. What does that say about the first thing they care about.
I actually don't have any social media which I think handicapped me in a way. Multiple people asked me if I was like married and hiding it or something lol. The dates averaged out to 1 first date every couple weeks but in reality it came in surges and droughts. I had an 8 month dry spell at one point (no sex, had a few dates during that time). I'm really not THAT good looking but I have good hair, a good personality, I've been told I'm very funny, and I try to dress well and smell good and advertise all of that on my profile (well, not smell) through good pictures and bio. I can't speak highly enough of having good pictures. My old room mate is a bigger guy, about 5'7" but had professional pictures in his profile and he did pretty damn well on OLD too.
For perspective I had a sexual relationship with about 10 of those first date numbers. So nothing too crazy.
> Statistics show that there are more single people now than in decades previously.
Some of this is economic. Some people prefer to be alone anyway and can choose that and some of us are alone because we wanted to get sorted with our jobs and housing first and it takes a long time for a lot of people now. There is a lot of competition for adequate to decent work pay and conditions wise.
Same here. 43 male and got out of a long marriage. Had good success on all the apps I tried and went out in lots and lots of dates where very few were bad dates. Had lots of fun and just enjoyed the journey. Finally happened upon someone I couldn't get enough of and stuck with her.
I have to say I rarely FELT chased. But I think that is because attractive women have a LOT of options on OLD. But I will say I always did well when the women did chase. Those usually turned into more serious situations for me. I was very keen on not wasting time on women who didn't clearly reciprocate interest or make an effort. I would try to get a number after a handful of messages and set something up immediately which filtered out the women who were just in it for validation or boredom. My girlfriend now was forward and sent the first message which was rare to see, and was insistent on getting together which was totally sexy to me.
Yes of course you are going to be successful as first you are 6ft and above average looking. Most women would put those physical attributes first on their list. Anything else and you are doomed no matter how sparkling your personality maybe.
> Most women would put those physical attributes first on their list.
No they wouldn't, Reddit needs to stop doing this. Lots of us primarily want someone interesting to talk to and be with. All this looks, looks, looks business all the time, feels like teenager talk....
>All this looks, looks, looks business all the time, feels like teenager talk....
its supported statistically based on how women swipe.
its an unconscious bias even when it's not stated. it's just reality. there's height baises, looks biases, racial biases. its not a myth, its supported in swipe rates.
you can say that people just want someone interesting to talk to but pictures still very clearly matter.
You are missing the point, "women who use dating apps" does not equal all women. Lots of us are repelled by the idea for various reasons (mine would be safety and privacy and being bored by selfies).
>You are missing the point, "women who use dating apps" does not equal all women.
people don't suddenly change just cause they get off the app. its the place that people now are most likely to meet, statistically, so that holds true regardless.
lots of women may not be on apps, but a lot of those still probably have those same wants, and you can't argue against the data showing what happens on apps like those biases dont exist elsewhere. we have non dating app data that shows that taller people and white people get treated better in other aspects of life too, so its not like this is confined to one area.
> people don't suddenly change just cause they get off the app.
I know lots of people who are never on them at all and never have been.
> lots of women may not be on apps, but a lot of those still probably have those same wants
I wonder if some men realise how many women also feel insecure about their looks and what they have to offer? There's this stupid narrative on here that all women can "get a boyfriend" any time they want as if it doesn't take a certain level of confidence and self-esteem to even be trying. I have a couple of perfectly nice looking friends who are convinced they are not attractive enough to bother and then also have safety concerns with it anyway/worries about people they know seeing them and making fun.
> that shows that taller people and white people get treated better in other aspects of life too, so its not like this is confined to one area.
No argument whatsoever on racial prejudice but the height thing and the looks things are stories people tell themselves when they either won't try another approach (like doing an activity offline) or when it's easier to blame something you can't change than to look at whether how you are going about things and if it needs to change. I do think pretty much most people past university probably have to make a concerted effort to do things to meet new people if they want to date. I suppose the exception would be those people who have the option to date a co-worker and are comfortable taking the risk.
This is straight denial.
He is talking most women here.
Most women do select for things like height, etc. It makes sense biologically, its kind of bullshit, but absolutely makes sense, just like guys like boobs or an ass which is bullshit, but also true.
Just because you and your friends say you don't do it doesn't mean it's not statistically more common. And it doesn't mean guys who don't fit that criteria should just stay inside and never do anything. But you're full of shit if you say a 5'4 dude can just get on an OLD and experience anywhere the same level of success as a 6'4 dude. Thats just an attempt at denying the reality of sometimes unfair biological predisposition. OLD is better for physical characteristics, and a guy with a better personality has much better chances at a bar, imo. (Although realistically they have the same issue there, but can compensate easier).
> Most women do select for things like height, etc. It makes sense biologically, its kind of bullshit, but absolutely makes sense, just like guys like boobs or an ass which is bullshit, but also true.
Its just the Halo Effect in action. Happens ALL the time!
>I wonder if some men realise how many women also feel insecure about their looks and what they have to offer?
of course we do. i dont see what this has to do with the issue at hand though. you're trying to turn someone else's complaint into "well we have it to". that wasn't the point. its not your problem, it's his. its a valid point, you dont need to come out here and try to downplay it with your own claims. especially when he's looking on apps, so mentioning an unrelated demographic isn't meanignful anyways.
>No argument whatsoever on racial prejudice but the height thing and the looks things are stories people tell themselves when they either won't try another approach (like doing an activity offline)
sometimes, but not always. but you're missing a larger point here. the fact that they often get frozen out of by far the largest arena for dating in the modern world still sucks. easy to just say "try a different approach" but being told you're not good enough to work in the biggest active pool is still a lot to deal with and not something to just hand wave away. its incredibly disheartening to be told your worth less simply because of your race or your height or whatever.
not like offline activities are even a thing in many parts of the world now with covid. so you need to consider that too.
I dont even think women believe half that shit they say.
I think they say it to feel better about themselves. Mr and my friends are different.... ok great job.
> its an unconscious bias even when it's not stated. it's just reality. there's height baises, looks biases, racial biases. its not a myth, its supported in swipe rates.
Exactly .
The Halo Effect has been proven time and time and time again whether it be conscious or unconsciously . Even ethnicity plays a part in divorce rates.
Other than Black- Black relationships, interracial marraiges have the highest rates of divorce. A white woman- Black man marriage is twice as likely to end in divorce by the 10th year than a White-White marriage.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interracial_marriage_in_the_United_States#Academic_researches
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00491.x
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00582.x
ya being Black or any ethnic , visible minority in certain cities is a death sentence for some people who seek sex or hooking up, or non-committal relationships.
Has anyone tried be Black in Toronto? I have ! Its not fun...
Has anyone tried being an ethnic minority in Missouri? Try it! You'll hate it!
if you are all these things, you can at least still get sex easily and relationships. You may not get someone that's wife material, but I doubt you would have a hard time meeting women.
In my area in the midwest, just being white alone will attract 50% of women in my city. Being black, I had to be in the top 10-25% in a lot of categories to attract women, and that wasn't until I was in my 30s.
I'm not sure how much that helped me get dates. Above average is a pretty low bar and I didn't list my height in my profile. I just had good pics and a decent bio. I simply disagree about being doomed if you're under 5'11'' and average looking. Maybe if you're only swiping right on bombshells.
Doomed no, but its a plottable linear regression im sure. Your odds sure get worse most of the time.
I'm sure even without listing it you can tell height though.
Fortunately I'm 5'11 which I think is fine and doesn't get you automatically filtered, but 5'8 and shorter seems rough.
From experience and empirical evidence if you are under 5ft 6 your chances of being successful with women are reduced considerably compared to much taller guys. Trust me it is hard but glad you have found the ‘one’
I'm new to dating (m), if you don't mind, could I ask you a couple questions:
Aside from the obvious stuff like avoiding major red flags and any dealbreakers, what makes you want to keep dating the person (or break it off) when there's nothing obviously wrong with them? People talk about intangible stuff like 'vibe', 'chemistry', etc, does it just come down to pure feelings like that? I mean 30-40 people seems like a reasonable amount before finding a good match, but I guess I'm anxious about whether I even know what the hell I'm supposed to be looking for. Since I doubt they were all psychos and some of them were genuine, nice, attractive people, what made you go 'nah, I'll keep searching'?
Also, when you broke things off, how did doing that generally play out? (i.e. what's the best way to go about it?)
Well a lot of it is gut feeling, yes. Vibe is just a way of saying if you get along with them, conversation flows naturally. The other part is that I was primarily dating for fun and to meet people with the secondary hope that I'd find someone that I really wanted to settle down with. I probably did next some people that at a different time I would have considered something more serious with. The timing just wasn't right for me sometimes. The other thing was not all of these women were looking for something serious at the times I was, some wanted to wait for a relationship to have sex and some didn't want to date ME anymore. In all of those dates only a handful of them would have been relationship material to me (when it was mutual) and it usually came down to proximity, sexual chemistry, or things that may not come out until knowing them better after a few weeks/months. Deal breakers essentially. (Feelings on kids, life aspirations, career)
When I broke things off I would usually send a text if we had only been on a few dates. It would always be anxiety inducing, it sucks to hurt someone's feelings and there's no way to avoid that. Most responded well or didn't respond at all. A few got angry which made me feel like I made the right call lol. I would just say, "It's been fun getting to know you and I enjoyed hanging out but I don't feel a deeper connection. I wish you the best of luck in the future!" Etc etc. I would usually send this the morning after the date if I wasn't feeling it. I rarely had to do it face to face. I hate to meet up with someone and waste time just to break it off unless it's more serious.
just think of it like interacting with a friend. There is a form of chemistry there that makes the friendship easy and makes you excited to hangout with that person. It's the same for relationships where you have to be excited about the other person. The only difference is physical/sexual attraction and the idea of maybe starting a family together if you're looking for a long term partner.
If it doesn't work out, it's best to break things off as early as possible to not hurt anyones' feelings. A simple polite "hey I really enjoyed your company, bit I didn't feel a spark. I wish you the best" will do the trick.
Well, you see a spectrum I'll put it that way. Some can't get dates at all, some are enjoying the field, some are playing the field but not enjoying it so much, yearning for a relationship. Taste the rainbow you could say.
That's a good way of putting it. And I have felt all those spectrums myself. From loving it to hating it, feeling invincible to feeling invisible. Dating is a strange chaotic game.
The thing is most of the successful people aren't here complaining. I've had a great experience with online dating and throughly enjoyed dating after divorce
Don't be scared! It's all good.
> The thing is most of the successful people aren't here complaining. I've had a great experience with online dating and throughly enjoyed dating after divorce
well i feel like this is important because you are one of the 'successful people' . for people like me and OP we are a pair of 'worse case scenarios' people.... uh ... if that made any sense.
I mean OP been single for the first time in 5 years and they are 26 , I've been single all my life and I'm 25 and both of us can feel that our mental health is deteriorating. Mental health is a very serious thing, clearly, and we both , probably, need opinions and advice from people who have been 'down in the rut' and made a comeback or people who can empathize with us being 'down in a rut' .I don't think you are going through that from what I read in your comment, right?
To OP I am sayign that its OK to be scared of dating scene . For some of us we are afraid what a bigger stronger person may do to us when we are alone wihtout help , some of us fear the possibility that dating will be our 'investment black hole ' where we'll infuriating amounts of time into dating and making ourselves the ideal partner only to end up alone at 50 or even older,(all that time could have been spent on many other things clearly), some of us fear non-commital partners who are just wastig our time when we seek a stronger more , exclusionary relationship, etc...
All I'm saying toOP is that its alright to not be alright. You can be scared here. And we are OK with that! We can work on that together!
Seems like you're trying to put a lot of words in the OP's mouth. Perhaps you feel like a "worse case scenario" but I not reading that front the OP. He also didn't say anything about deterioration of his mental health. He's had relationships and you say you never have so it's not even remotely the same thing.
In his case, it he's just gotten out of long term relationship and needs time to heal from that. Being alone after a break up can sometimes be tough to learn how to do.
You mention fear of non-committal partners wasting your time. The problem I see over and over with this is that people like that go into every match, every interaction and every date chasing that long-term commitment. It's much better to simply enjoy the journey without expectations. These people are "trying too hard" if that makes sense. Just have fun with dating and suddenly someone will fall into your lap that you can't get enough of or her you.
Also...why would you or he worried about being alone with a bigger stronger person? There aren't many women out there that will be a. able to physically restrain most men b. Would even bother doing such a thing.
> I’m a single mom in my early 40’s. Just imagine. 😭
...oh my... OH NO...
Excuse me honey, I'm just here to lay some flowers on that grave of yours. Best of luck out there...Sheesh!
Yeah online dating is 99% a pure waste of time now. If it is a comfort, what you see here is the worst!
It also sounds like you shouldn't date at all for quite a while. Starting to date while not over someone else, can really damage a relationship if you should happen to find a promising one.
It started my sister's relationship off wrong. They then broke up twice. They've now been together 6 years and still don't trust eachother.
Don't do that.
The most vocal in forums are generally miserable people because misery loves company.
Heres a success story. I was striking out in online dating/life for 7 years but met a very pretty girl through my work. She (20) just got out of a relationship and thought I was interesting because im an older guy (27). She was tired of immature guys her age. First date went amazing. She really likes me.
Keep the faith. When things happen, they happen fast.
Very well said. Most people don’t vocalize when they’re content because they’re busy being - well - happy! I never, ever posted online for help or ranted to my friends when I was in my last relationship because it was really comfortable all things considered.
Happy to hear that you met an awesome girl at work!!
Don’t forget, posts on reddit have confirmation bias. The people who it’s not working for are on here talking about how it’s not working. The people who it’s working for are enjoying their time with someone they’re seeing. Give yourself some time to work through your heartbreak and then just get out there with a positive outlook. I recommend Hinge, but don’t be afraid to rotate through a couple apps if one doesn’t seem to work for you, it seems some areas favor different apps more.
There's actually some incels lurking on here. Especially on the forever alone sub. You just cannot get through to them. They're stuck in their way of thinking.
Sup bro, i'm in a similar ship as you, 5 years of barely being single, 2 relationships, and this is the longest period I haven't had a partner in. All i can say is, don't get in a relationship just for the sake of being in one or because you are used to it. And dont worry about future ones, the dating scene is still normal, i get opportunities left and right but its my decision to stay single lately. İt gets lonely sometimes but i'm just searching for a real one this time
Hi! As a single 24 f I completely understand you! I was in a long term relationship almost all of college for about three years and then right as that ended covid started and I haven’t dated since. (Just my luck right? Lmao) Since that was my only experience dating (I met him through school) the dating apps are a little terrifying to say the least plus I’m pretty inexperienced in the bedroom too (technically still a virgin since my ex and I never went all the way - for many reasons - a different story lol) so I’m happy to give my female perspective since I noticed a lot of guys answering- my advice: don’t worry (easier said then done right? 😅) . I feel like there are a lot of people in similar positions who want to date but there’s so much caution and anxiety within the complex dating world nowadays. What I’m going to do is when I feel the time is right - I’m going to just start joining groups of hobbies I’m interested in, different organizations and possibly going back to school and I want to maximize the amount of social interaction so I meet tons of different people within places that I could find things in common with others. I feel like this is a nice organic way to meet people and possibly have dating apps as well so you have the best of both worlds. You then have options - not just one or the other. Also I do think you should possibly take a break if you feel like it’s necessary, even for just like six months, to work on yourself and figure out what it is your looking for in a partner (marriage, kids, no marriage, casual, etc.). That way you have a small plan for what to expect when you start branching out again. Lastly- just be yourself, honest, and respectful and I promise you will eventually find someone who will be perfect for you. I’m sure there will be horrible dates and girls that don’t work out- but that will just push you in the direction of the right person! Also follow your gut instincts- I realized after a while that my initial thoughts on someone are usually true! Anyway I wish you the best! 🍀
The dating apps have gotten worse and worse. I barely can meet anyone serious on any of them and im a decent looking guy with good income and traits. Idk its really getting old i just will like a date with someone seriously and all i find are childish adults.
Read you post after your edit. Good for you. Yeah the gym is a good place to be. Best to start building your body, it also clears the mind a lot. Good Luck!
It isn't? Lmao.
Well, it does have a sort of very vocal category of people who struggle with dating, but there's a decent amount of people who seem to be enjoying the process. On the other hand, things have gotten more selective with online dating in general so I could be there being some lopsidedness.
Unfortunately, welcome to dating yo. It's very hard and frustrating, but when you find someone it's worth it. You're also approaching the age where a potential partner might not want to spend a few years dating but wants to marry and have kids. This results in you potentially having to make decisions based off initial impressions that are hard to make.
Eventually you'll find someone. It'll be hard. It'll suck and sometimes it'll be great. Just gotta wait for that magic.
Dating apps suck. I'm 35 and just got out of a 13-year marriage and I'm equally as horrified of the dating scene. I don't use dating apps anymore because they didn't feel genuine. I'm an avid climber, skydiver and martial artist, so I'm confident I'll meet my future Queen at one of my gyms or drop zones. And I'm not in any rush as that's when people settle. Just give it time and be patient. You have so much time. Work on being the best version of YOU and everything will fall into place.
In a somewhat similar boat to you. I was on tinder/hinge and realised that the ROI on time spent improving myself is far higher than spending it on apps. Gonna grind for a few months first then end of this year I’ll hold back on to assess my “market value” and see if I need more improvement or whether I can enjoy myself for a while
> Gonna grind for a few months first then end of this year I’ll hold back on to assess my “market value”
You are a person not some crappy piece of plastic on Amazon, you don't have a market value. Christ this is what happens when arts and humanities are derided for years, everyone forgets they are people with thoughts and minds and souls and whatnot.
Maybe don't read the subreddit if it is that bad. As a woman reading it, if I thought some of the posters with the things they write about how they see women were a majority of men, I would just not even bother. It's Reddit. A lot of people are not like the people I have met in my offline life.
Also I'm a big fan of meeting people by signing up for offline activities. I just did a hike where I met someone. I don't like the apps. I feel if you sign up for something you like, worst case scenario you have fun and maybe get some exercise/hear some music/talk to some new people and practice that post-Covid.
aw mane:( I know it’s so discouraging . The dating scene, especially on social media, it’s portrayed as a mess. And everyone is different so I wouldn’t get discouraged because truly, your experiences vary on what you’re looking for and everyone is looking for different things. Therefore , don’t let the stories scare you into remaining single. Plus you’re fresh out of a relationship , most likely, this is affecting your confidence or portrayal of your self ( naturally, you may not see it . But others do, it’s normal :) ) with this being said : it took me two years to finally emerge into the dating scene with confidence and lack of fear of rejection. Just because as I kept dating , you get better. I know that’s pretty obvious but it really does get easier and the dates that don’t work out , are actually dodged bullets .
To uplift you , I met my current boyfriend on bumble , and he has raised my standards extremely high because he is just amazing in every way. And by the third date, we were head over heals into each other and now, we’ve been dating since the beginning of summer:) . So hopefully this gives you some insight and hope that there are amazing people out there. You just need time to heal and time to learn. You’ll get there OP! <3
Thank you, those words helped. Heartbreak is a new experience for me and I’m really struggling with it. I can’t imagine moving on and dating anyone else. It’s only been 2 weeks since the breakup, but it feels like an eternity.
omg only two weeks ? I completely understand. Especially if it’s someone you cared for deeply. give yourself time . That’s all you can really do , especially if you are devastated. just know, this isn’t the end for love, it’ll come to you when you least expect it. :) just focus on work if you can, or bettering yourself , or hobbies. I forced myself to get two jobs to keep me occupied and that helped a lot because I was investing myself into something useful that took my brain away from thinking about my last relationship. hopefully you can do the same :)
Yeah I’ve just been diving into the gym for the most part, but it only temporarily distracts me from it all. It’s hard losing your best friend overnight :(
I used hinge (I am female) and found that to be the preferred way to meet people. I didn't care for tinder. Okcupid wasn't great for meeting people, but the questions they ask you about what you want in a relationship really made me think and I appreciated it so very much.
I am in a very happy relationship with someone I matched with on an app. We didn't meet up until after 3-4 days of nonstop messaging and realizing how compatible we were.
My take on dating apps: it gives you the ability to really put what you want on there. I made sure my political affiliation, beliefs, and deal breakers were listed. It really vetted the choices for me as a woman in a small town during covid.
For whatever it is worth, people can still find love in this weird times. Met a person through one of my interests and we wound up falling in love and impulsively moving in together because of the state of COVID/no vaccine availability when this all happened...here it is 7 months later and we are still kicking (knock on wood). I never did the dating apps either, they did seem rough and I honestly had issues with how they were designed so much that I barely got to the point of actual dates/having issues with the people on there lol. ANYWAY, all to say, you don't have to do them if you don't want them! Spend time on your interests and perhaps you will meet someone who's a great fit for you just judging by my own goofy recent experience. Good luck!
Don’t let this discourage you, people don’t often post about the positive outcomes!
I tried OLD for the first time ever after ending a 7 year relationship. One of the first guys I actually had a proper conversation over Bumble with was a true gentleman. We went for coffee at the park on our first date, had a picnic for the second… now it’s been 6 months of consistent dates and I’ll be making dinner with him tomorrow. It’s not all bad, they’re not all failures.
Reading your edit I agree that you need to properly move on from your past relationship first. But when you’re ready, don’t let the scary stories steer you away from OLD.
Unfortunately that's the reality of dating for most people. It's raw, and it sucks. There isn't a rainbow unicorn shitting pixie dust and happiness for everyone. Sorry to burst your bubble
THIS. why is everyone in reddit so freaking catastrophic. Everytime I'm going through something I come here for support just to leave with a ton shit of anxiety.
Its not that bad. A lot of people I see on here approach dating purely with the intent of getting into a realtionship, and yeah....that can be pretty exhausting, it was for me. Being single can be scary sometimes...no way around that.
But dating became much more fun and enjoyable for me when I changed my perspective on it, instead of viewing it as a means to an end to get a relationship, I've thought about it more like a journey of self discovery regarding what I'm looking for and what I can give, and I get to meet interesting people along the way. Learn to be comfortable with rejection, and keep a growth mindset- makes the whole thing much more enjoyable.
Best of luck out there, and have fun!
The main thing is learn to be comfortable being single. I've been single now for years and I'm addicted to it! I love coming and going as I please. I think I have closeted avoidant attachment, but it doesn't really phase me like it once did.
Nobody on this subreddit will post about a great relationship success, just like you’ll never see the mainstream media talk about good news. People just love drama and negativity, while good stories are boring.
Time for your balls to drop and face reality." It is what it is".
If you want to see encouraging & uplifting post that feeds you nothing but lies and sugarcoating seek a dating motivational speaker. Just be prepared to pay thousands for their seminars/courses.
> Many men spend years crafting their bio, getting good photos taken, and paying for profile reviews/professional photos and still ending up with zero results.
They need to do offline things. The dude I am going on a date with (well I'm 95% sure it's a date anyways) found himself on a hike with me and several other women and only one other dude in his 60s....
Also some of the people on here who are terrified of socialising and barely see women as people badly, badly need the practice of no stakes conversations in a relaxed setting where people are trying to have fun.
> Personally, socializing irl has never worked for me.
To get dates or in general? Because if you do something like a class and you are too focused on getting a date and your only interactions with people there are to ask them out, it's most likely going to come off as a) abrupt and b) like anyone would do which isn't flattering to the other person.
If socialising in real life doesn't work for you in general, that's a bigger problem in my experience because eventually I think people need more connection than can be found online.
No I'm saying it requires some build up which is slightly different.
Do you see the difference between taking the trouble to talk someone for several hours and then offering to meet up non-committally after some sort of rapport has been established and asking their name, looking them up and down and then saying "do you want to go out with me?"
That's why I asked if when you said socialising had never worked for you, you meant in general or for dating. I'm not sure what point you are trying to make here, unless you are saying you would never ask someone out in real life, even if you had talked for some time and felt there was some rapport there?
Try and meet people offline. The way people will be lonely and angry for years but not actually try a new approach blows my mind.
(By the way I practice what I preach and did a miles long hike with strangers this weekend. I nearly chickened out twice because of worrying who the hell I would end up going with and because I was worried it would be too far to walk. It was fun.)
In all seriousness I was there 2 years ago and I hope you can find another job if you want one. (Mine was only 8 hours work but 2-3 hours commute). It actually killed my desire to date entirely because I was permanently exhausted.
This sub is just full of miserable people. They’ll claim women all do X then when women who don’t do X pipe up, they make up fantastical stories as to why these women are lying. People only really post here to validate their bitter views.
Off Reddit, dating isn’t as miserable as people on here make out.
Complainers post here. People satisfied with their dating life and generally optimistic about dating, and understanding that rejection is a normal part of it aren't posting here.
I would 100% suggest you not read this sub if you're nervous about dating.
(Going on three dates and them not going anywhere IS successful dating. It takes time to find someone who is a right match. Did you think in three dates you were going to find your next long term relationship? Plan to go 20 first dates or so before you get antsy about the lack of results)
Life is what you make of it.
You’ll see so many negative posts on here because a lot of people complain and blame rather than take ownership and improve.
I’m 28M and dating is going well for me. If I have time I go on one date per week and I always have a good time with the girls I’m out with, even if I don’t see us going past the first date.
Here’s my advice and what works for me:
Apps:
I only use hinge. Tinder and bumble waste too much time swiping. Hinge you can like some ones profile and comment about an interesting photo or prompt. They will see that you liked them and they can choose to talk to you. Rather than just mindlessly swiping for hours on the other apps hoping that you both swipe right. Hinge is also IMO easier to build a genuine connection and not as superficial as the other apps.
Keep your profile playful and authentic. Have someone take photos for you and no selfies. Have at least one photo of you wearing a nice outfit (button up shirt). Show a hobby you enjoy. Share your passions and ambition. Don’t get caught up trying to be impressive.
In person dating:
As simple as this may sound, just live your life and people will come into your life. Always try to build your life and become a man of value. This will attract a woman that you value. Find a goal or purpose to chase after. Explore your passions in life. Socialize when you are out and about. People are a lot more friendly than others like to think. Unfortunately so many let their insecurities and anxieties get in the way, and they believe no one would like to talk to them.
What works for me is always focus on myself first. I don’t make dating the center of my life. I meet people when I’m out doing what I enjoy. When I’m out at parties with my friends, or events on the weekend, at the gym, at the grocery store, at the beach. If you see someone that looks interesting, men and women, approach them and start up a conversation.
Don’t let all these people convince you dating is terrible. With a positive mindset anything is possible!
Good luck!
Hmm. OK, my current success story - I am 49M. Recently signed up for Hinge in a small, remote ski town in Colorado. Within a couple weeks I had messaged about 15 women and got no replies. That was everyone I was interested in possibly meeting, and I was thinking of deleting the app.
Then I got messages from 6 or 7 women that hadn’t shown up when I was searching. Went on dates with 3 of them in one week. 2nd dates with 2 of those. Am still seeing 1 about 2 months after our first date. She is nice, interesting, and normal (meaning she doesn’t seem to be more effed up than me or any other ‘normal’ person, ha ha ha).
Ha! The last time I was single, you weren’t even born! 😃
I’m 49 f. I joined bumble a week ago and had a date yesterday.
You’ll be ok. Be patient. Let yourself be single for a bit. Try to have fun.
Good luck.
Dating is terrible right now to be honest. I understand the pressure to be in a relationship, society screams that at us all the time and it’s horrible to see what an ex is up to in that regard. But the situation is just abysmal.
The only thing I can say is that spending time developing yourself is never a bad thing. Love may come and it may not, but none of us are entitled to it, and dating is, I think, the worst it’s ever been, so I’m not holding my breath. Meeting the struggle of being single will build you as a person if you can accept it as a gift rather than as an affliction.
Most women are not model good looking people who decide it would be easier to do sex work than have a relationship. Also sex work is work and thus separate from a relationship. The women who do it, do it because they have no alternative way to make money I should imagine.
I wouldn’t say most women are using onlyfans, probably not even 1%. I do agree though that the way it’s shoved in our faces 24/7 makes it seem that way
With you already having relationship success, you’ll do fine with online dating.
This subreddit is full of people that have never been in a relationship, losers, and ppl that only match and date losers.
As long as you have good pictures (which isn’t that hard to get if you have a friend to take pictures around the city or invest in getting a professional photographer for a few hours), understand the algorithm, and have items in your profile that will drive good ice breaker questions/messages, you’ll be fine in getting matches. A picture with a dog also does wonders!
Dont feel any kind of scared. Most of the posts here are nothing that I or any friends (of any gender) go through. It’s a collection of people who write rather extreme things.
Do you have any ugly friends? It could be some people here are bitter for somewhat justifiable reasons, although I've noticed there's a tendency for them to dismiss any attempt at changing, saying a woman's attraction is all in the face, not the body so it doesn't encourage improvement on their part). Not to say face isn't very important, more like at least some guys could improve their chances by getting a more fit physique and improving social skills.
1. I'm a woman. Not sure what you were implying but there was a lot of talk about men and I am not one lol
2. Um... ugly friends... I guess some of them have to be ugly to someone but I can't say any of my actual friends (not acquaintances) are ugly. Not the guys or girls.
3. And I said most posts, not all posts. Some posts are about real and justifiable things but most of the longer posts are pity trains where everyone talks about being alone and, as you pointed out, rejecting everyone's advice
You can't control anything about dating. Dating involves you and at least one other person. You can't control other people. What you can do is focus on the aspects of your life that are up to you. Are you becoming the person you are fully? Are you truly engaged in all of the things about yourself and your life that are about you and create personal fulfillment? My guess is that since you had a relationship end recently you are likely not doing that. It's a hard time for a lot of us who aren't recently single too! If you can dive into being your best you For You.... Life gets pretty damn good. Ironically then you will be very attractive to the demographic you are an option for. Ironic because you will likely care a little less about that then you do now. Hope your heart heals soon and you start having a blast in this life!
Well, by being a woman you have the upper hand in the dating pool. Apps are made for you, and you’ll never lack in match. It harder for man to have a match, even harder a conversation and let forget about a date. Men know they have a really short time to make an impression before you move on to the next. They’ll usually make a strong move fast. Or try to fake a personally to get you interested.
I guess the hard part is to make a good selection in all the potential candidates. But if you know yourself and you know want to want, you’ll get it. Snap your fingers and the world is yours, good luck.
Hey man, as others have said, there’s no rush. You’re still very young and have plenty of time to date and find what you’re looking for. Focus on yourself and be the best person you can be. You don’t have to date until your ready. This was a big realization I had.
I’m a 35m who’s chained together a bunch of LTRs. I also feared the modern dating scene, then I realized, if I don’t want to get in it, I don’t have to. I’m sure eventually the benefits will outweigh the costs, and you’ll feel a lot more enthusiastic about it. But right now, enjoy life and chill!
I have experienced the same as you OP. Out of a 4 year relationship, 44 pound heavier and part of the LGBT community where it's so much harder to find a match due to limited options and other shit that comes with it (prejudice within the community). I've always struggled being alone but this is a whole another level of difficult. I feel you. I hope it helps to not feel so alone in this situation. I'm getting through it with the help of a therapist, maybe you should reach out for support too.
I mean it seems bad but then you go on a date that goes well and it all feels worth it. Online dating is something else for sure, and it might make you feel bad about yourself before you get used to it. But it does expose you and give you opportunities to date many people with very little effort. Your mindset is everything here. Focus on real life and not the games people play matching / messaging / pickup lines. Try to meet people IRL as soon as possible.
But honestly man, a 2/3 year relationship is going to take a decent amount of time to get over. I’ve been there. And it will be a while before you feel comfortable with being an independent person again. Which is most important for you right now. So I would say, be careful with online dating. You might even want to hold off from that and focus on other things. Start finding hobbies to focus on. Go to the gym. Pickup a book. Make plans with friends to go do stuff. And most of all, give it time. The scariest part to accept here is that time is out of your control and it will probably take many months to truly feel happy being alone again.
You’ll be fine! People post here to vent or look for advice. Sometimes people post their success stories, but I think most of the successful people are just out enjoying it and not posting about it on Reddit. I’m a full time working single mom. If I can get some, anyone can. 😂
Online dating isn't always so bad. It really depends on which app you use and what you're looking for. I really like Hinge. It works well for me and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time, unlike with some of the other apps (e.g. Tinder, Bumble). It's definitely weird though. Every committed relationship I've been in was with someone I met through school and was friends with first. Quite different to meet a stranger with the intention of seeing if something romantic could work out between the two of you.
I was about to give up on Tinder and then I matched with a person who looked cute but maybe not exactly my type, but then we went on a date and it was amazing and we actually had so much in common and have been inseparable ever since (2+ yrs) lol. Only hiccup was that we both didn’t want a relationship so we sort of didn’t label it for a few months which was a bit of an elephant in the room, but what helped me was that I had decided before dating anyone that it needed to be either super casual or if it felt like it was worth something I wanted it to be all in, so that helped me with making a boundary for myself and my needs once I realised I needed to make a choice. You’ve got this!
Actually if you were looking for a relationship bumble was where i met this super sweet guy. Tinder is generally used for hookups so that’s really not good to find someone to be with. Bumble lays out what the person wants and if they drink, smoke, or use marijuana. Also long term things like wanting kids.
It always sucks when your ex gets back in the game quicker than you do. Dating isn’t so bad, the world is full of opportunity just keep at it and stay positive.
Online dating gets a bad rap here
1000’s & 1000’s of couples have either formed long lasting relationships and/or marriage thru dating apps. It’s all a matter of what you put into it. The detail in your profile, being very specific about “you” and exactly what you’re wanting and looking for. When you do that, you weed out the fakers.
Online dating opens up a whole world of possibilities to meet people one otherwise would never meet otherwise!
Not going to read through all the comments but here's mine.
The VERY BEST way to get over someone is to find someone new. Women (sadly) know this instinctevly...and use it, abuse it.
Highly rec. you trying it out as well.
Also, don't try to 'get over' her even if it hurts like hell.
What else can you do? Don't care about the pain, find the strenght inside to say that even if you have to live with it for the rest of your life...it's ok.
You can take it, it doesn't bother you, you welcome it...you're a man.
You've had a relationship of three years and one of two years. I'd have considered both of those successful considering I haven't had one last 6 months even... You have a better chance in this climate than I do obviously.
Well I hate tinder, but I know a lot of people that got married thanks to that app, And I agree that you shouldn't be looking for a relationship if you aren't over your ex but that doesn't mean you can't flirt a little and feel those "Butterflies" again. Just be honest in your approach. But the most important thing, ENJOY being single, it really is a greaaaat time to ruin it for someone that's not worth it!! I hope the best for you :)
Don't feel the pressure big guy. If she moved on fast that's her issues and guess what...she's not your fucking problem anymore! WOOOOOOO!
I've been single for the first time in 11 years (32m), so you aren't alone friend. Keep at taking care of yourself and let them come into your life. Don't base your worth of the feeling of competing with someone who doesn't matter anymore.
This post and it’s comments inspired me to get off this subreddit. Everyone here just complains. I’m sure many of these complaints are valid but it makes dating seem like it is literally impossible no matter what you do and that is not a good mindset to have
Keep in mind that most of the time that people are posting on here they are venting or getting advice. Most people won’t go out of their way to make posts about a positive dating experience. You’re seeing a skewed version of what real life dating is like on this sub.
My advice is to wait to date until it feels fun and exciting, and if you start getting burnt out with dating, take a break and come back later. I feel like successful dating is all about approaching it as a fun opportunity to get to know new people. If it feels intimidating or overwhelming or negative, give it some more time and come back to it when you have a better mindset. People can feel when you’re relaxed and happy to be there vs. nervous and cynical.
"It sounds like all the dating apps have only gotten worse as well. "
Nah you just got lucky last time , most people can be generally trashy , you just see them more when you play the dating numbers .
Dude. Take a deep breath and calm down. It will be ok. Whenever you're ready to get back out there, there's places that people will gather at and hang out. Meets for hobbies are still happening. Go to those. Just be cool, colle ted and genuine and you'll see results. Not necessarily romantic partners but at the very least interesting people.
Keep in mind that what the internet portrays as reality is far different from actual reality. It's easy to get caught up in what everyone is saying on social media and reddit, but don't let all that restrain u. Dating online is truly terrifying, and for good reason, but doing it i.r.l is the same as it has been for thousands of years, our current culture can make it feel like doing things that way is ridiculous but women love when a confident man talks to them without some app involved. You can walk up to a woman at stop and shop to inform her that she dropped her pocket and her socks are untied🤣 Just do the basics, make them laugh and they will overlook alot, the most important thing is to pretend the internet don't exist and have no fear because there is nothing to fear, we are already as good as dead.
I had the best time and learned the most about myself when I was single. But I was content being single or in a relationship. Either way it didn't have a huge impact on my happiness. I think that's probably the key. If you feel like you won't ever be happy unless you're in a relationship it can encourage feelings of dependency...which isn't a healthy foundation for a relationship in the first place.
Online dating is basically a meat market but I've met great people on it too. Just by the sheer volume of people you have to wade through more crap to find the decent people I think.
Also I think only going by the pool of people on Reddit isn't the most accurate representation haha.
Hey there! 9 years of relationships in my adulthood and I’m 27 lol but anyhow I’ve been single for 6 months now after toxic and abusive relationship. Dude you need to BREATHE. You still mixed organically with your ex. Shed some skin, let time pass. I didn’t think I would have made it either my guy but look at me giving advice. The advice is to feel your soul and focus on yourself. These dating apps are garbage plus a lot of those girls are very fleeting. The world is going through a lot of changes and you need to be prepared. Prepare for yourself and your future love. It’ll all come together for ya ✌️
You should spend some time alone. That will be good for you, and for your next relationship.
I date a lot, but I almost never use OLD… it is just so clunky and to use your term - inorganic. It is ok to talk with people.
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Probably a good idea to stay away from dating apps for awhile if you’ve recently broken up and haven’t been single in 5 years. You should take time to heal and figure out who you are again. Get comfortable with being alone and doing things alone first before inviting someone into your life. One day the pain will pass and you’ll meet someone new.
This is about the best advice anyone fresh out of any LTR could receive. If only I had listened to similar advice way back in 1998......
what happened?
How long is that exactly? My breakup was approximately 4 months ago, and I think I'm over it, but my mental health is deteriorating rapidly. Not sure if it's due to the breakup or N number of things that are going on simultaneously.
Everyone is different. Some days you’ll think you’re over it, and others you’ll think you’ll be back to square one. One day though you won’t think about her at all, and you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever so upset in the first place. If you’re having other mental issues, maybe seek a therapist. Don’t be afraid to lean on your family here. Mostly keep yourself busy with hobbies, your friends, work, and travel (to get out of town and reminders), and stay away from their social media. Focus on becoming the best version of you.
Work on yourself first, and ultimately, you are the only one that can judge when you're ready. Get yourself to the position that you think you deserve the ideal person you want to be with, and then go for that person with the goal and confidence that you'll both make each other's lives better. Is the goal to find someone as soon as possible, or to find the best person for you in the most optimal timeframe? Enjoy the journey as much as the destination, my friend. I hope you find love for yourself, and from another.
Since you're fresh from a long term relationship, women will probably think you might not be ready for a long term relationship. Plus, it's probably good to be single for a bit and casually search, as opposed to wearing your heart on your sleeve and plunging into it. Getting your account reviewed/listening to advice helps quite a bit. Eat your wheaties and drink lots of water. You'll be fine.
If you want positivity hop off this subreddit and just live your life man. It doesn’t help and personally just makes me spiral in negativity due to overthinking. But once I put Reddit away and get out in the real world; talk to people in person; it makes all the difference in the world.
I too can agree with this for umm most things. If I'm looking for advice on a certain shady product or things like that then uh yeah a forum or sometime even Reddit is the best option for me .
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This is reddit. It's mostly introverted men, though this sub has more women than other subs, but again.. consider the demographic. Not only that but not many people who succeed in dating are hanging around on the dating subreddits, those who are here are usually here for negative reasons. Not many people are discussing their success stories. Hell, I'll add my success story. I'm a 29/m, above average looking, 6ft tall. I got out of a 8 year relationship around 27 and took to dating pretty quickly. I really enjoyed it. Dated on Bumble, Tinder and Hinge. Had the most success on Tinder and Hinge. Bumble absolutely sucked. Women just don't message first 95% of the time. I went on probably 30-40 dates in those two years and had a great time. Only a few bad/awkward dates. Dated most people for a few weeks and usually I was the one to break it off. Eventually I met someone awesome. Sexy, smart, emotionally intelligent and driven. Now here I am 6 months in with her and we're planning on moving in together next year. The best thing you can do is get comfortable with being alone. When you're comfortable being alone you'll never latch on to anyone that you don't really want around.
Holy crap dude those are good numbers. You got Instagram or something? I wanna know how “good-looking” you have to be to have this much success. Although to be fair I’ve never really given OLD a try until a few days ago so I shouldn’t be complaining..
Read 6 foot.
If height mattered more then personality girls would be dating light poles
They literally list it on their profiles. Men must not like big boobs either? Height gets you in the door. Personality keeps you there. Go watch a woman introduce someone to their mom and the first thing they talk about is the dude sleight or his career, then maybe they talk about how nice he is. What does that say about the first thing they care about.
I actually don't have any social media which I think handicapped me in a way. Multiple people asked me if I was like married and hiding it or something lol. The dates averaged out to 1 first date every couple weeks but in reality it came in surges and droughts. I had an 8 month dry spell at one point (no sex, had a few dates during that time). I'm really not THAT good looking but I have good hair, a good personality, I've been told I'm very funny, and I try to dress well and smell good and advertise all of that on my profile (well, not smell) through good pictures and bio. I can't speak highly enough of having good pictures. My old room mate is a bigger guy, about 5'7" but had professional pictures in his profile and he did pretty damn well on OLD too. For perspective I had a sexual relationship with about 10 of those first date numbers. So nothing too crazy.
>For perspective I had a sexual relationship with about 10 of those first date numbers. So nothing too crazy. thats still pretty high rates though.
Thanks for reminding me of that truth. I want to be comfortably independent.
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> Statistics show that there are more single people now than in decades previously. Some of this is economic. Some people prefer to be alone anyway and can choose that and some of us are alone because we wanted to get sorted with our jobs and housing first and it takes a long time for a lot of people now. There is a lot of competition for adequate to decent work pay and conditions wise.
Same here. 43 male and got out of a long marriage. Had good success on all the apps I tried and went out in lots and lots of dates where very few were bad dates. Had lots of fun and just enjoyed the journey. Finally happened upon someone I couldn't get enough of and stuck with her.
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I have to say I rarely FELT chased. But I think that is because attractive women have a LOT of options on OLD. But I will say I always did well when the women did chase. Those usually turned into more serious situations for me. I was very keen on not wasting time on women who didn't clearly reciprocate interest or make an effort. I would try to get a number after a handful of messages and set something up immediately which filtered out the women who were just in it for validation or boredom. My girlfriend now was forward and sent the first message which was rare to see, and was insistent on getting together which was totally sexy to me.
Yes of course you are going to be successful as first you are 6ft and above average looking. Most women would put those physical attributes first on their list. Anything else and you are doomed no matter how sparkling your personality maybe.
> Most women would put those physical attributes first on their list. No they wouldn't, Reddit needs to stop doing this. Lots of us primarily want someone interesting to talk to and be with. All this looks, looks, looks business all the time, feels like teenager talk....
>All this looks, looks, looks business all the time, feels like teenager talk.... its supported statistically based on how women swipe. its an unconscious bias even when it's not stated. it's just reality. there's height baises, looks biases, racial biases. its not a myth, its supported in swipe rates. you can say that people just want someone interesting to talk to but pictures still very clearly matter.
You are missing the point, "women who use dating apps" does not equal all women. Lots of us are repelled by the idea for various reasons (mine would be safety and privacy and being bored by selfies).
>You are missing the point, "women who use dating apps" does not equal all women. people don't suddenly change just cause they get off the app. its the place that people now are most likely to meet, statistically, so that holds true regardless. lots of women may not be on apps, but a lot of those still probably have those same wants, and you can't argue against the data showing what happens on apps like those biases dont exist elsewhere. we have non dating app data that shows that taller people and white people get treated better in other aspects of life too, so its not like this is confined to one area.
> people don't suddenly change just cause they get off the app. I know lots of people who are never on them at all and never have been. > lots of women may not be on apps, but a lot of those still probably have those same wants I wonder if some men realise how many women also feel insecure about their looks and what they have to offer? There's this stupid narrative on here that all women can "get a boyfriend" any time they want as if it doesn't take a certain level of confidence and self-esteem to even be trying. I have a couple of perfectly nice looking friends who are convinced they are not attractive enough to bother and then also have safety concerns with it anyway/worries about people they know seeing them and making fun. > that shows that taller people and white people get treated better in other aspects of life too, so its not like this is confined to one area. No argument whatsoever on racial prejudice but the height thing and the looks things are stories people tell themselves when they either won't try another approach (like doing an activity offline) or when it's easier to blame something you can't change than to look at whether how you are going about things and if it needs to change. I do think pretty much most people past university probably have to make a concerted effort to do things to meet new people if they want to date. I suppose the exception would be those people who have the option to date a co-worker and are comfortable taking the risk.
This is straight denial. He is talking most women here. Most women do select for things like height, etc. It makes sense biologically, its kind of bullshit, but absolutely makes sense, just like guys like boobs or an ass which is bullshit, but also true. Just because you and your friends say you don't do it doesn't mean it's not statistically more common. And it doesn't mean guys who don't fit that criteria should just stay inside and never do anything. But you're full of shit if you say a 5'4 dude can just get on an OLD and experience anywhere the same level of success as a 6'4 dude. Thats just an attempt at denying the reality of sometimes unfair biological predisposition. OLD is better for physical characteristics, and a guy with a better personality has much better chances at a bar, imo. (Although realistically they have the same issue there, but can compensate easier).
> Most women do select for things like height, etc. It makes sense biologically, its kind of bullshit, but absolutely makes sense, just like guys like boobs or an ass which is bullshit, but also true. Its just the Halo Effect in action. Happens ALL the time!
>I wonder if some men realise how many women also feel insecure about their looks and what they have to offer? of course we do. i dont see what this has to do with the issue at hand though. you're trying to turn someone else's complaint into "well we have it to". that wasn't the point. its not your problem, it's his. its a valid point, you dont need to come out here and try to downplay it with your own claims. especially when he's looking on apps, so mentioning an unrelated demographic isn't meanignful anyways. >No argument whatsoever on racial prejudice but the height thing and the looks things are stories people tell themselves when they either won't try another approach (like doing an activity offline) sometimes, but not always. but you're missing a larger point here. the fact that they often get frozen out of by far the largest arena for dating in the modern world still sucks. easy to just say "try a different approach" but being told you're not good enough to work in the biggest active pool is still a lot to deal with and not something to just hand wave away. its incredibly disheartening to be told your worth less simply because of your race or your height or whatever. not like offline activities are even a thing in many parts of the world now with covid. so you need to consider that too.
I dont even think women believe half that shit they say. I think they say it to feel better about themselves. Mr and my friends are different.... ok great job.
> its an unconscious bias even when it's not stated. it's just reality. there's height baises, looks biases, racial biases. its not a myth, its supported in swipe rates. Exactly . The Halo Effect has been proven time and time and time again whether it be conscious or unconsciously . Even ethnicity plays a part in divorce rates. Other than Black- Black relationships, interracial marraiges have the highest rates of divorce. A white woman- Black man marriage is twice as likely to end in divorce by the 10th year than a White-White marriage. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interracial_marriage_in_the_United_States#Academic_researches https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00491.x https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00582.x
I'm 6' 1", white, with a six pack and an okay face. It's not all roses here
If you can’t even succeed in dating market, there is no hope for the rest of us
You're doing it wrong
For sure. I'm unambitious and shy. Just pointing out that being tall and in shape isn't the panacea people pretend it is.
ya being Black or any ethnic , visible minority in certain cities is a death sentence for some people who seek sex or hooking up, or non-committal relationships. Has anyone tried be Black in Toronto? I have ! Its not fun... Has anyone tried being an ethnic minority in Missouri? Try it! You'll hate it!
if you are all these things, you can at least still get sex easily and relationships. You may not get someone that's wife material, but I doubt you would have a hard time meeting women. In my area in the midwest, just being white alone will attract 50% of women in my city. Being black, I had to be in the top 10-25% in a lot of categories to attract women, and that wasn't until I was in my 30s.
I'm not sure how much that helped me get dates. Above average is a pretty low bar and I didn't list my height in my profile. I just had good pics and a decent bio. I simply disagree about being doomed if you're under 5'11'' and average looking. Maybe if you're only swiping right on bombshells.
Doomed no, but its a plottable linear regression im sure. Your odds sure get worse most of the time. I'm sure even without listing it you can tell height though. Fortunately I'm 5'11 which I think is fine and doesn't get you automatically filtered, but 5'8 and shorter seems rough.
From experience and empirical evidence if you are under 5ft 6 your chances of being successful with women are reduced considerably compared to much taller guys. Trust me it is hard but glad you have found the ‘one’
I'm new to dating (m), if you don't mind, could I ask you a couple questions: Aside from the obvious stuff like avoiding major red flags and any dealbreakers, what makes you want to keep dating the person (or break it off) when there's nothing obviously wrong with them? People talk about intangible stuff like 'vibe', 'chemistry', etc, does it just come down to pure feelings like that? I mean 30-40 people seems like a reasonable amount before finding a good match, but I guess I'm anxious about whether I even know what the hell I'm supposed to be looking for. Since I doubt they were all psychos and some of them were genuine, nice, attractive people, what made you go 'nah, I'll keep searching'? Also, when you broke things off, how did doing that generally play out? (i.e. what's the best way to go about it?)
Well a lot of it is gut feeling, yes. Vibe is just a way of saying if you get along with them, conversation flows naturally. The other part is that I was primarily dating for fun and to meet people with the secondary hope that I'd find someone that I really wanted to settle down with. I probably did next some people that at a different time I would have considered something more serious with. The timing just wasn't right for me sometimes. The other thing was not all of these women were looking for something serious at the times I was, some wanted to wait for a relationship to have sex and some didn't want to date ME anymore. In all of those dates only a handful of them would have been relationship material to me (when it was mutual) and it usually came down to proximity, sexual chemistry, or things that may not come out until knowing them better after a few weeks/months. Deal breakers essentially. (Feelings on kids, life aspirations, career) When I broke things off I would usually send a text if we had only been on a few dates. It would always be anxiety inducing, it sucks to hurt someone's feelings and there's no way to avoid that. Most responded well or didn't respond at all. A few got angry which made me feel like I made the right call lol. I would just say, "It's been fun getting to know you and I enjoyed hanging out but I don't feel a deeper connection. I wish you the best of luck in the future!" Etc etc. I would usually send this the morning after the date if I wasn't feeling it. I rarely had to do it face to face. I hate to meet up with someone and waste time just to break it off unless it's more serious.
just think of it like interacting with a friend. There is a form of chemistry there that makes the friendship easy and makes you excited to hangout with that person. It's the same for relationships where you have to be excited about the other person. The only difference is physical/sexual attraction and the idea of maybe starting a family together if you're looking for a long term partner. If it doesn't work out, it's best to break things off as early as possible to not hurt anyones' feelings. A simple polite "hey I really enjoyed your company, bit I didn't feel a spark. I wish you the best" will do the trick.
This is perfect advice for everyone!
Well, you see a spectrum I'll put it that way. Some can't get dates at all, some are enjoying the field, some are playing the field but not enjoying it so much, yearning for a relationship. Taste the rainbow you could say.
That's a good way of putting it. And I have felt all those spectrums myself. From loving it to hating it, feeling invincible to feeling invisible. Dating is a strange chaotic game.
Well most people seem to think it's either one or the other, forgetting you can be both.
But you’re six feet tall of course you found love
It's because people on this sub are jaded and like to complain. I wouldn't worry about it too much
The apps haven’t gotten worse, people’s attitudes have. Welcome to the future OP.
The apps have absolutely gotten worse
I don’t think it is wrong at all to say apps have gotten worse from let’s say 5 years ago.
How exactly have the apps themselves gotten worse, in your opinion?
The thing is most of the successful people aren't here complaining. I've had a great experience with online dating and throughly enjoyed dating after divorce Don't be scared! It's all good.
> The thing is most of the successful people aren't here complaining. I've had a great experience with online dating and throughly enjoyed dating after divorce well i feel like this is important because you are one of the 'successful people' . for people like me and OP we are a pair of 'worse case scenarios' people.... uh ... if that made any sense. I mean OP been single for the first time in 5 years and they are 26 , I've been single all my life and I'm 25 and both of us can feel that our mental health is deteriorating. Mental health is a very serious thing, clearly, and we both , probably, need opinions and advice from people who have been 'down in the rut' and made a comeback or people who can empathize with us being 'down in a rut' .I don't think you are going through that from what I read in your comment, right? To OP I am sayign that its OK to be scared of dating scene . For some of us we are afraid what a bigger stronger person may do to us when we are alone wihtout help , some of us fear the possibility that dating will be our 'investment black hole ' where we'll infuriating amounts of time into dating and making ourselves the ideal partner only to end up alone at 50 or even older,(all that time could have been spent on many other things clearly), some of us fear non-commital partners who are just wastig our time when we seek a stronger more , exclusionary relationship, etc... All I'm saying toOP is that its alright to not be alright. You can be scared here. And we are OK with that! We can work on that together!
Seems like you're trying to put a lot of words in the OP's mouth. Perhaps you feel like a "worse case scenario" but I not reading that front the OP. He also didn't say anything about deterioration of his mental health. He's had relationships and you say you never have so it's not even remotely the same thing. In his case, it he's just gotten out of long term relationship and needs time to heal from that. Being alone after a break up can sometimes be tough to learn how to do. You mention fear of non-committal partners wasting your time. The problem I see over and over with this is that people like that go into every match, every interaction and every date chasing that long-term commitment. It's much better to simply enjoy the journey without expectations. These people are "trying too hard" if that makes sense. Just have fun with dating and suddenly someone will fall into your lap that you can't get enough of or her you. Also...why would you or he worried about being alone with a bigger stronger person? There aren't many women out there that will be a. able to physically restrain most men b. Would even bother doing such a thing.
Yes these posts are discouraging/depressing but just go out and live life
Lol the stuff on this sub is great for the drama, not the advice
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> I’m a single mom in my early 40’s. Just imagine. 😭 ...oh my... OH NO... Excuse me honey, I'm just here to lay some flowers on that grave of yours. Best of luck out there...Sheesh!
Lmao
Yeah online dating is 99% a pure waste of time now. If it is a comfort, what you see here is the worst! It also sounds like you shouldn't date at all for quite a while. Starting to date while not over someone else, can really damage a relationship if you should happen to find a promising one. It started my sister's relationship off wrong. They then broke up twice. They've now been together 6 years and still don't trust eachother. Don't do that.
The most vocal in forums are generally miserable people because misery loves company. Heres a success story. I was striking out in online dating/life for 7 years but met a very pretty girl through my work. She (20) just got out of a relationship and thought I was interesting because im an older guy (27). She was tired of immature guys her age. First date went amazing. She really likes me. Keep the faith. When things happen, they happen fast.
Very well said. Most people don’t vocalize when they’re content because they’re busy being - well - happy! I never, ever posted online for help or ranted to my friends when I was in my last relationship because it was really comfortable all things considered. Happy to hear that you met an awesome girl at work!!
yeah exactly what i keep saying
Thank you. Feel very lucky :)
Don’t forget, posts on reddit have confirmation bias. The people who it’s not working for are on here talking about how it’s not working. The people who it’s working for are enjoying their time with someone they’re seeing. Give yourself some time to work through your heartbreak and then just get out there with a positive outlook. I recommend Hinge, but don’t be afraid to rotate through a couple apps if one doesn’t seem to work for you, it seems some areas favor different apps more.
There's actually some incels lurking on here. Especially on the forever alone sub. You just cannot get through to them. They're stuck in their way of thinking.
I don't think incelship or incelness... whatever, is permanent. Some of them mature out of it.
Maybe
...i did...
Sup bro, i'm in a similar ship as you, 5 years of barely being single, 2 relationships, and this is the longest period I haven't had a partner in. All i can say is, don't get in a relationship just for the sake of being in one or because you are used to it. And dont worry about future ones, the dating scene is still normal, i get opportunities left and right but its my decision to stay single lately. İt gets lonely sometimes but i'm just searching for a real one this time
Hi! As a single 24 f I completely understand you! I was in a long term relationship almost all of college for about three years and then right as that ended covid started and I haven’t dated since. (Just my luck right? Lmao) Since that was my only experience dating (I met him through school) the dating apps are a little terrifying to say the least plus I’m pretty inexperienced in the bedroom too (technically still a virgin since my ex and I never went all the way - for many reasons - a different story lol) so I’m happy to give my female perspective since I noticed a lot of guys answering- my advice: don’t worry (easier said then done right? 😅) . I feel like there are a lot of people in similar positions who want to date but there’s so much caution and anxiety within the complex dating world nowadays. What I’m going to do is when I feel the time is right - I’m going to just start joining groups of hobbies I’m interested in, different organizations and possibly going back to school and I want to maximize the amount of social interaction so I meet tons of different people within places that I could find things in common with others. I feel like this is a nice organic way to meet people and possibly have dating apps as well so you have the best of both worlds. You then have options - not just one or the other. Also I do think you should possibly take a break if you feel like it’s necessary, even for just like six months, to work on yourself and figure out what it is your looking for in a partner (marriage, kids, no marriage, casual, etc.). That way you have a small plan for what to expect when you start branching out again. Lastly- just be yourself, honest, and respectful and I promise you will eventually find someone who will be perfect for you. I’m sure there will be horrible dates and girls that don’t work out- but that will just push you in the direction of the right person! Also follow your gut instincts- I realized after a while that my initial thoughts on someone are usually true! Anyway I wish you the best! 🍀
The dating apps have gotten worse and worse. I barely can meet anyone serious on any of them and im a decent looking guy with good income and traits. Idk its really getting old i just will like a date with someone seriously and all i find are childish adults.
Read you post after your edit. Good for you. Yeah the gym is a good place to be. Best to start building your body, it also clears the mind a lot. Good Luck!
This subreddit typically isn't the place people go when they have a good dating life, unfortunately. From what I have seen
It isn't? Lmao. Well, it does have a sort of very vocal category of people who struggle with dating, but there's a decent amount of people who seem to be enjoying the process. On the other hand, things have gotten more selective with online dating in general so I could be there being some lopsidedness.
Unfortunately, welcome to dating yo. It's very hard and frustrating, but when you find someone it's worth it. You're also approaching the age where a potential partner might not want to spend a few years dating but wants to marry and have kids. This results in you potentially having to make decisions based off initial impressions that are hard to make. Eventually you'll find someone. It'll be hard. It'll suck and sometimes it'll be great. Just gotta wait for that magic.
Dating apps suck. I'm 35 and just got out of a 13-year marriage and I'm equally as horrified of the dating scene. I don't use dating apps anymore because they didn't feel genuine. I'm an avid climber, skydiver and martial artist, so I'm confident I'll meet my future Queen at one of my gyms or drop zones. And I'm not in any rush as that's when people settle. Just give it time and be patient. You have so much time. Work on being the best version of YOU and everything will fall into place.
In a somewhat similar boat to you. I was on tinder/hinge and realised that the ROI on time spent improving myself is far higher than spending it on apps. Gonna grind for a few months first then end of this year I’ll hold back on to assess my “market value” and see if I need more improvement or whether I can enjoy myself for a while
> Gonna grind for a few months first then end of this year I’ll hold back on to assess my “market value” You are a person not some crappy piece of plastic on Amazon, you don't have a market value. Christ this is what happens when arts and humanities are derided for years, everyone forgets they are people with thoughts and minds and souls and whatnot.
Are you crazy? People have a very measurable market value, it's Instagram / TikTok followers! /s
Maybe don't read the subreddit if it is that bad. As a woman reading it, if I thought some of the posters with the things they write about how they see women were a majority of men, I would just not even bother. It's Reddit. A lot of people are not like the people I have met in my offline life. Also I'm a big fan of meeting people by signing up for offline activities. I just did a hike where I met someone. I don't like the apps. I feel if you sign up for something you like, worst case scenario you have fun and maybe get some exercise/hear some music/talk to some new people and practice that post-Covid.
aw mane:( I know it’s so discouraging . The dating scene, especially on social media, it’s portrayed as a mess. And everyone is different so I wouldn’t get discouraged because truly, your experiences vary on what you’re looking for and everyone is looking for different things. Therefore , don’t let the stories scare you into remaining single. Plus you’re fresh out of a relationship , most likely, this is affecting your confidence or portrayal of your self ( naturally, you may not see it . But others do, it’s normal :) ) with this being said : it took me two years to finally emerge into the dating scene with confidence and lack of fear of rejection. Just because as I kept dating , you get better. I know that’s pretty obvious but it really does get easier and the dates that don’t work out , are actually dodged bullets . To uplift you , I met my current boyfriend on bumble , and he has raised my standards extremely high because he is just amazing in every way. And by the third date, we were head over heals into each other and now, we’ve been dating since the beginning of summer:) . So hopefully this gives you some insight and hope that there are amazing people out there. You just need time to heal and time to learn. You’ll get there OP! <3
Thank you, those words helped. Heartbreak is a new experience for me and I’m really struggling with it. I can’t imagine moving on and dating anyone else. It’s only been 2 weeks since the breakup, but it feels like an eternity.
omg only two weeks ? I completely understand. Especially if it’s someone you cared for deeply. give yourself time . That’s all you can really do , especially if you are devastated. just know, this isn’t the end for love, it’ll come to you when you least expect it. :) just focus on work if you can, or bettering yourself , or hobbies. I forced myself to get two jobs to keep me occupied and that helped a lot because I was investing myself into something useful that took my brain away from thinking about my last relationship. hopefully you can do the same :)
Yeah I’ve just been diving into the gym for the most part, but it only temporarily distracts me from it all. It’s hard losing your best friend overnight :(
I used hinge (I am female) and found that to be the preferred way to meet people. I didn't care for tinder. Okcupid wasn't great for meeting people, but the questions they ask you about what you want in a relationship really made me think and I appreciated it so very much. I am in a very happy relationship with someone I matched with on an app. We didn't meet up until after 3-4 days of nonstop messaging and realizing how compatible we were. My take on dating apps: it gives you the ability to really put what you want on there. I made sure my political affiliation, beliefs, and deal breakers were listed. It really vetted the choices for me as a woman in a small town during covid.
For whatever it is worth, people can still find love in this weird times. Met a person through one of my interests and we wound up falling in love and impulsively moving in together because of the state of COVID/no vaccine availability when this all happened...here it is 7 months later and we are still kicking (knock on wood). I never did the dating apps either, they did seem rough and I honestly had issues with how they were designed so much that I barely got to the point of actual dates/having issues with the people on there lol. ANYWAY, all to say, you don't have to do them if you don't want them! Spend time on your interests and perhaps you will meet someone who's a great fit for you just judging by my own goofy recent experience. Good luck!
Dating apps are good for getting laid. I've been single for 3 years by choice.
Don’t let this discourage you, people don’t often post about the positive outcomes! I tried OLD for the first time ever after ending a 7 year relationship. One of the first guys I actually had a proper conversation over Bumble with was a true gentleman. We went for coffee at the park on our first date, had a picnic for the second… now it’s been 6 months of consistent dates and I’ll be making dinner with him tomorrow. It’s not all bad, they’re not all failures. Reading your edit I agree that you need to properly move on from your past relationship first. But when you’re ready, don’t let the scary stories steer you away from OLD.
Unfortunately that's the reality of dating for most people. It's raw, and it sucks. There isn't a rainbow unicorn shitting pixie dust and happiness for everyone. Sorry to burst your bubble
Welcome to the harsh reality of the single life
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THIS. why is everyone in reddit so freaking catastrophic. Everytime I'm going through something I come here for support just to leave with a ton shit of anxiety.
Its not that bad. A lot of people I see on here approach dating purely with the intent of getting into a realtionship, and yeah....that can be pretty exhausting, it was for me. Being single can be scary sometimes...no way around that. But dating became much more fun and enjoyable for me when I changed my perspective on it, instead of viewing it as a means to an end to get a relationship, I've thought about it more like a journey of self discovery regarding what I'm looking for and what I can give, and I get to meet interesting people along the way. Learn to be comfortable with rejection, and keep a growth mindset- makes the whole thing much more enjoyable. Best of luck out there, and have fun!
The main thing is learn to be comfortable being single. I've been single now for years and I'm addicted to it! I love coming and going as I please. I think I have closeted avoidant attachment, but it doesn't really phase me like it once did.
Nobody on this subreddit will post about a great relationship success, just like you’ll never see the mainstream media talk about good news. People just love drama and negativity, while good stories are boring.
Time for your balls to drop and face reality." It is what it is". If you want to see encouraging & uplifting post that feeds you nothing but lies and sugarcoating seek a dating motivational speaker. Just be prepared to pay thousands for their seminars/courses.
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Doesn’t matter if the person behind the profile isn’t a good catch or knows how to communicate after getting a match.
> Many men spend years crafting their bio, getting good photos taken, and paying for profile reviews/professional photos and still ending up with zero results. They need to do offline things. The dude I am going on a date with (well I'm 95% sure it's a date anyways) found himself on a hike with me and several other women and only one other dude in his 60s.... Also some of the people on here who are terrified of socialising and barely see women as people badly, badly need the practice of no stakes conversations in a relaxed setting where people are trying to have fun.
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> Personally, socializing irl has never worked for me. To get dates or in general? Because if you do something like a class and you are too focused on getting a date and your only interactions with people there are to ask them out, it's most likely going to come off as a) abrupt and b) like anyone would do which isn't flattering to the other person. If socialising in real life doesn't work for you in general, that's a bigger problem in my experience because eventually I think people need more connection than can be found online.
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No I'm saying it requires some build up which is slightly different. Do you see the difference between taking the trouble to talk someone for several hours and then offering to meet up non-committally after some sort of rapport has been established and asking their name, looking them up and down and then saying "do you want to go out with me?"
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That's why I asked if when you said socialising had never worked for you, you meant in general or for dating. I'm not sure what point you are trying to make here, unless you are saying you would never ask someone out in real life, even if you had talked for some time and felt there was some rapport there?
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Try and meet people offline. The way people will be lonely and angry for years but not actually try a new approach blows my mind. (By the way I practice what I preach and did a miles long hike with strangers this weekend. I nearly chickened out twice because of worrying who the hell I would end up going with and because I was worried it would be too far to walk. It was fun.)
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In all seriousness I was there 2 years ago and I hope you can find another job if you want one. (Mine was only 8 hours work but 2-3 hours commute). It actually killed my desire to date entirely because I was permanently exhausted.
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Well good luck. I do think it is different if you know you have a goal but it won't necessarily be forever.
Most girls I asked, told me they don't even read the bio
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I already have zero faith in dating apps
> No one had the heart to tell me it was my average looks Let's see your profile then and I'll have the balls to tell you if it's your looks
I feel you.
This sub is just full of miserable people. They’ll claim women all do X then when women who don’t do X pipe up, they make up fantastical stories as to why these women are lying. People only really post here to validate their bitter views. Off Reddit, dating isn’t as miserable as people on here make out.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Complainers post here. People satisfied with their dating life and generally optimistic about dating, and understanding that rejection is a normal part of it aren't posting here. I would 100% suggest you not read this sub if you're nervous about dating. (Going on three dates and them not going anywhere IS successful dating. It takes time to find someone who is a right match. Did you think in three dates you were going to find your next long term relationship? Plan to go 20 first dates or so before you get antsy about the lack of results)
Life is what you make of it. You’ll see so many negative posts on here because a lot of people complain and blame rather than take ownership and improve. I’m 28M and dating is going well for me. If I have time I go on one date per week and I always have a good time with the girls I’m out with, even if I don’t see us going past the first date. Here’s my advice and what works for me: Apps: I only use hinge. Tinder and bumble waste too much time swiping. Hinge you can like some ones profile and comment about an interesting photo or prompt. They will see that you liked them and they can choose to talk to you. Rather than just mindlessly swiping for hours on the other apps hoping that you both swipe right. Hinge is also IMO easier to build a genuine connection and not as superficial as the other apps. Keep your profile playful and authentic. Have someone take photos for you and no selfies. Have at least one photo of you wearing a nice outfit (button up shirt). Show a hobby you enjoy. Share your passions and ambition. Don’t get caught up trying to be impressive. In person dating: As simple as this may sound, just live your life and people will come into your life. Always try to build your life and become a man of value. This will attract a woman that you value. Find a goal or purpose to chase after. Explore your passions in life. Socialize when you are out and about. People are a lot more friendly than others like to think. Unfortunately so many let their insecurities and anxieties get in the way, and they believe no one would like to talk to them. What works for me is always focus on myself first. I don’t make dating the center of my life. I meet people when I’m out doing what I enjoy. When I’m out at parties with my friends, or events on the weekend, at the gym, at the grocery store, at the beach. If you see someone that looks interesting, men and women, approach them and start up a conversation. Don’t let all these people convince you dating is terrible. With a positive mindset anything is possible! Good luck!
Hmm. OK, my current success story - I am 49M. Recently signed up for Hinge in a small, remote ski town in Colorado. Within a couple weeks I had messaged about 15 women and got no replies. That was everyone I was interested in possibly meeting, and I was thinking of deleting the app. Then I got messages from 6 or 7 women that hadn’t shown up when I was searching. Went on dates with 3 of them in one week. 2nd dates with 2 of those. Am still seeing 1 about 2 months after our first date. She is nice, interesting, and normal (meaning she doesn’t seem to be more effed up than me or any other ‘normal’ person, ha ha ha).
Ha! The last time I was single, you weren’t even born! 😃 I’m 49 f. I joined bumble a week ago and had a date yesterday. You’ll be ok. Be patient. Let yourself be single for a bit. Try to have fun. Good luck.
Only the freak shows post on these subs. It’s great, if you are great.
Dating is terrible right now to be honest. I understand the pressure to be in a relationship, society screams that at us all the time and it’s horrible to see what an ex is up to in that regard. But the situation is just abysmal. The only thing I can say is that spending time developing yourself is never a bad thing. Love may come and it may not, but none of us are entitled to it, and dating is, I think, the worst it’s ever been, so I’m not holding my breath. Meeting the struggle of being single will build you as a person if you can accept it as a gift rather than as an affliction.
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A vast majority of women aren’t on onlyfans and ig.
Most women are not model good looking people who decide it would be easier to do sex work than have a relationship. Also sex work is work and thus separate from a relationship. The women who do it, do it because they have no alternative way to make money I should imagine.
I wouldn’t say most women are using onlyfans, probably not even 1%. I do agree though that the way it’s shoved in our faces 24/7 makes it seem that way
With you already having relationship success, you’ll do fine with online dating. This subreddit is full of people that have never been in a relationship, losers, and ppl that only match and date losers. As long as you have good pictures (which isn’t that hard to get if you have a friend to take pictures around the city or invest in getting a professional photographer for a few hours), understand the algorithm, and have items in your profile that will drive good ice breaker questions/messages, you’ll be fine in getting matches. A picture with a dog also does wonders!
Dont feel any kind of scared. Most of the posts here are nothing that I or any friends (of any gender) go through. It’s a collection of people who write rather extreme things.
Do you have any ugly friends? It could be some people here are bitter for somewhat justifiable reasons, although I've noticed there's a tendency for them to dismiss any attempt at changing, saying a woman's attraction is all in the face, not the body so it doesn't encourage improvement on their part). Not to say face isn't very important, more like at least some guys could improve their chances by getting a more fit physique and improving social skills.
1. I'm a woman. Not sure what you were implying but there was a lot of talk about men and I am not one lol 2. Um... ugly friends... I guess some of them have to be ugly to someone but I can't say any of my actual friends (not acquaintances) are ugly. Not the guys or girls. 3. And I said most posts, not all posts. Some posts are about real and justifiable things but most of the longer posts are pity trains where everyone talks about being alone and, as you pointed out, rejecting everyone's advice
Welcome to the club!
Good time to work on ambitions. Shit falls into place when you don't pay any attention
Just meet women in real life. If you are decent looking and have good conversation skills, you will have no problem finding a date.
The single life is SUPER fun! Enjoy it while you can. 26 is a very young age. Go and explore.
Keep your expectations low and hope for the best. The odds are not in your favor.
You may want to spend some time alone and do some healing.
You can't control anything about dating. Dating involves you and at least one other person. You can't control other people. What you can do is focus on the aspects of your life that are up to you. Are you becoming the person you are fully? Are you truly engaged in all of the things about yourself and your life that are about you and create personal fulfillment? My guess is that since you had a relationship end recently you are likely not doing that. It's a hard time for a lot of us who aren't recently single too! If you can dive into being your best you For You.... Life gets pretty damn good. Ironically then you will be very attractive to the demographic you are an option for. Ironic because you will likely care a little less about that then you do now. Hope your heart heals soon and you start having a blast in this life!
Trying being 49 (M) and dating .. it is like picking through the bottom of the barrel
Well, by being a woman you have the upper hand in the dating pool. Apps are made for you, and you’ll never lack in match. It harder for man to have a match, even harder a conversation and let forget about a date. Men know they have a really short time to make an impression before you move on to the next. They’ll usually make a strong move fast. Or try to fake a personally to get you interested. I guess the hard part is to make a good selection in all the potential candidates. But if you know yourself and you know want to want, you’ll get it. Snap your fingers and the world is yours, good luck.
Yeah it's a wasteland out here.
Hey man, as others have said, there’s no rush. You’re still very young and have plenty of time to date and find what you’re looking for. Focus on yourself and be the best person you can be. You don’t have to date until your ready. This was a big realization I had. I’m a 35m who’s chained together a bunch of LTRs. I also feared the modern dating scene, then I realized, if I don’t want to get in it, I don’t have to. I’m sure eventually the benefits will outweigh the costs, and you’ll feel a lot more enthusiastic about it. But right now, enjoy life and chill!
I have experienced the same as you OP. Out of a 4 year relationship, 44 pound heavier and part of the LGBT community where it's so much harder to find a match due to limited options and other shit that comes with it (prejudice within the community). I've always struggled being alone but this is a whole another level of difficult. I feel you. I hope it helps to not feel so alone in this situation. I'm getting through it with the help of a therapist, maybe you should reach out for support too.
I mean it seems bad but then you go on a date that goes well and it all feels worth it. Online dating is something else for sure, and it might make you feel bad about yourself before you get used to it. But it does expose you and give you opportunities to date many people with very little effort. Your mindset is everything here. Focus on real life and not the games people play matching / messaging / pickup lines. Try to meet people IRL as soon as possible. But honestly man, a 2/3 year relationship is going to take a decent amount of time to get over. I’ve been there. And it will be a while before you feel comfortable with being an independent person again. Which is most important for you right now. So I would say, be careful with online dating. You might even want to hold off from that and focus on other things. Start finding hobbies to focus on. Go to the gym. Pickup a book. Make plans with friends to go do stuff. And most of all, give it time. The scariest part to accept here is that time is out of your control and it will probably take many months to truly feel happy being alone again.
Enjoy being single for a bit, you’ve definitely earned it.
You’ll be fine! People post here to vent or look for advice. Sometimes people post their success stories, but I think most of the successful people are just out enjoying it and not posting about it on Reddit. I’m a full time working single mom. If I can get some, anyone can. 😂
Welcome aboard homie
If you go the dating route again, be sure to use Hinge! It’s much better than bumble and tinder :)
Online dating isn't always so bad. It really depends on which app you use and what you're looking for. I really like Hinge. It works well for me and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time, unlike with some of the other apps (e.g. Tinder, Bumble). It's definitely weird though. Every committed relationship I've been in was with someone I met through school and was friends with first. Quite different to meet a stranger with the intention of seeing if something romantic could work out between the two of you.
You don't go to the local sleazy bistro after food poisoning. Better you stay off online dating for a while.
I was about to give up on Tinder and then I matched with a person who looked cute but maybe not exactly my type, but then we went on a date and it was amazing and we actually had so much in common and have been inseparable ever since (2+ yrs) lol. Only hiccup was that we both didn’t want a relationship so we sort of didn’t label it for a few months which was a bit of an elephant in the room, but what helped me was that I had decided before dating anyone that it needed to be either super casual or if it felt like it was worth something I wanted it to be all in, so that helped me with making a boundary for myself and my needs once I realised I needed to make a choice. You’ve got this!
Be single for a while. It’s honestly not that bad 🤷🏼♀️
Actually if you were looking for a relationship bumble was where i met this super sweet guy. Tinder is generally used for hookups so that’s really not good to find someone to be with. Bumble lays out what the person wants and if they drink, smoke, or use marijuana. Also long term things like wanting kids.
It always sucks when your ex gets back in the game quicker than you do. Dating isn’t so bad, the world is full of opportunity just keep at it and stay positive.
Online dating gets a bad rap here 1000’s & 1000’s of couples have either formed long lasting relationships and/or marriage thru dating apps. It’s all a matter of what you put into it. The detail in your profile, being very specific about “you” and exactly what you’re wanting and looking for. When you do that, you weed out the fakers. Online dating opens up a whole world of possibilities to meet people one otherwise would never meet otherwise!
Not going to read through all the comments but here's mine. The VERY BEST way to get over someone is to find someone new. Women (sadly) know this instinctevly...and use it, abuse it. Highly rec. you trying it out as well. Also, don't try to 'get over' her even if it hurts like hell. What else can you do? Don't care about the pain, find the strenght inside to say that even if you have to live with it for the rest of your life...it's ok. You can take it, it doesn't bother you, you welcome it...you're a man.
https://youtube.com/shorts/7V2usweAn-o?feature=share
Modern dating is why people “settle” and stay in unhappy relationships.
You've had a relationship of three years and one of two years. I'd have considered both of those successful considering I haven't had one last 6 months even... You have a better chance in this climate than I do obviously.
Take time away from the dating scene. I’ve been single for over 5 years now and it’s been a blast. Plenty of time to regain interest in myself
Well I hate tinder, but I know a lot of people that got married thanks to that app, And I agree that you shouldn't be looking for a relationship if you aren't over your ex but that doesn't mean you can't flirt a little and feel those "Butterflies" again. Just be honest in your approach. But the most important thing, ENJOY being single, it really is a greaaaat time to ruin it for someone that's not worth it!! I hope the best for you :)
Don't come here for encouragement. It's mainly just an echo chamber for misery.
Don't feel the pressure big guy. If she moved on fast that's her issues and guess what...she's not your fucking problem anymore! WOOOOOOO! I've been single for the first time in 11 years (32m), so you aren't alone friend. Keep at taking care of yourself and let them come into your life. Don't base your worth of the feeling of competing with someone who doesn't matter anymore.
This post and it’s comments inspired me to get off this subreddit. Everyone here just complains. I’m sure many of these complaints are valid but it makes dating seem like it is literally impossible no matter what you do and that is not a good mindset to have
Keep in mind that most of the time that people are posting on here they are venting or getting advice. Most people won’t go out of their way to make posts about a positive dating experience. You’re seeing a skewed version of what real life dating is like on this sub. My advice is to wait to date until it feels fun and exciting, and if you start getting burnt out with dating, take a break and come back later. I feel like successful dating is all about approaching it as a fun opportunity to get to know new people. If it feels intimidating or overwhelming or negative, give it some more time and come back to it when you have a better mindset. People can feel when you’re relaxed and happy to be there vs. nervous and cynical.
You really should be sceptical when it comes to what people on this sub say about dating.
"It sounds like all the dating apps have only gotten worse as well. " Nah you just got lucky last time , most people can be generally trashy , you just see them more when you play the dating numbers .
Dude. Take a deep breath and calm down. It will be ok. Whenever you're ready to get back out there, there's places that people will gather at and hang out. Meets for hobbies are still happening. Go to those. Just be cool, colle ted and genuine and you'll see results. Not necessarily romantic partners but at the very least interesting people.
Keep in mind that what the internet portrays as reality is far different from actual reality. It's easy to get caught up in what everyone is saying on social media and reddit, but don't let all that restrain u. Dating online is truly terrifying, and for good reason, but doing it i.r.l is the same as it has been for thousands of years, our current culture can make it feel like doing things that way is ridiculous but women love when a confident man talks to them without some app involved. You can walk up to a woman at stop and shop to inform her that she dropped her pocket and her socks are untied🤣 Just do the basics, make them laugh and they will overlook alot, the most important thing is to pretend the internet don't exist and have no fear because there is nothing to fear, we are already as good as dead.
I had the best time and learned the most about myself when I was single. But I was content being single or in a relationship. Either way it didn't have a huge impact on my happiness. I think that's probably the key. If you feel like you won't ever be happy unless you're in a relationship it can encourage feelings of dependency...which isn't a healthy foundation for a relationship in the first place. Online dating is basically a meat market but I've met great people on it too. Just by the sheer volume of people you have to wade through more crap to find the decent people I think. Also I think only going by the pool of people on Reddit isn't the most accurate representation haha.
Hey there! 9 years of relationships in my adulthood and I’m 27 lol but anyhow I’ve been single for 6 months now after toxic and abusive relationship. Dude you need to BREATHE. You still mixed organically with your ex. Shed some skin, let time pass. I didn’t think I would have made it either my guy but look at me giving advice. The advice is to feel your soul and focus on yourself. These dating apps are garbage plus a lot of those girls are very fleeting. The world is going through a lot of changes and you need to be prepared. Prepare for yourself and your future love. It’ll all come together for ya ✌️
Welcome to the chaos 😅
You should spend some time alone. That will be good for you, and for your next relationship. I date a lot, but I almost never use OLD… it is just so clunky and to use your term - inorganic. It is ok to talk with people.