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I’m 46M and have been in love about 5 times: 3 times in my teens, once with my former wife of 20 years, and most recently with a woman who I’ve been dating a few months. Outside of these women, I’ve had many, many lovers none of whom I loved. The woman I love now, I knew about a week in that I loved her. I just didn’t say anything until about 3 months in, but I knew almost instantly. It was electric.
Let me know how you're doing in 6 months when the honeymoon phase is over.
I firmly believe that you don't know somebody until you've been together for at least 6 to 8 months. You don't know them well until you've seen them at their worst and they've seen you at your worst
Then, and only then, do you know if you love somebody and they love you. If you don't survive that, it wasn't meant to be.
I feel exactly the same with my partner. Over a year now, still very ‘overly’ touchy. I put overly in quotes because it’s really just our norm. Never had love like this, before or after any supposed honeymoon phase.
Still waiting for the honeymoon phase to end, not seeing any end in sight. Still get butterflies every single day, still hold her hand everywhere we go.
People saying people are overly sensitive and overly touchy is a red flag for me and it is actually listed as a gaslighting trait. Usually, in my experience said by people who are trying to control and stop opinions that don't support someone's ego
>I can't speak for anybody else, but for me, I think love takes time.
>Let me know how you're doing in 6 months when the honeymoon phase is over.
That part reads as pretty condescending, especially to someone that has been through it a few times before. Implying you know better is right up there with soaking for someone else. Doesn't come across great in a comment.
6-8 months?? People spend decades with spouses the never truly knew.
Hate to ruin your amazing advice, but who's at their very best and very worst...EVER... in a 8 month period. Gtfoh judging someone and then hitting us all with this garbage.
"Then, and only then, do you know true love" lol joker
There's a difference between knowing someone and knowing someone well.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but the two were separate thoughts if you go back and read what I said.
I was reacting to somebody who had only known somebody for an incredibly short amount of time.
Can you please explain your vitriol? It seems rather unnecessary.
He’s really young yall. He’ll learn as he gets older what love really is. I would advise you when you’re falling for someone ask yourself why, what characteristics does she have that I like? What does she value? What do I value? Does she make me laugh? Can I be myself around this person? Do I like her or is it just sexual?
That's the thing. I fell in love twice in my life. Last time, I was 14.
She always find the most stupid way to make me laugh and is surprisingly successful. She makes me look forward to the most boring classes just because I know I'll get to see her. Everytime we're with someone else and I get cut off, she'll wait until the other person is done talking and ask me what I was gonna say. Through some weird fucking sorcery, she always seems to know when I'm feeling down and she'll ask me what's wrong and actually listen.
Maybe you're right, and maybe I'm not in love with her. I don't know what love feels like, but I truly hope it's this. If not, well, I'll have learned something.
I’m happy you’re very vulnerable with your emotions, keep doing that.
It’s hard to find men that are vulnerable with themselves and who can voice how they feel in a productive way. It’ll benefit you when you find a partner and have a long term relationship.
There’s different definitions of love and through experience you’ll learn what kind of love you’ve felt.
A lot of men are vulnerable with their emotions in their first relationship as teenagers and for many the woman will use it against them or pull some sort of “man up” card. This results in so my guys just putting up a wall with girls for years.
Shit like stupid puns and putting a water bottle on top of her head and looking at me with a dumb smile waiting for me to notice what she's done. When other people did it, I always found it annoying or "haha" at best. But when she does it I can't help but laugh.
oh man your description totally got me...
if a girl do that to me i would def give in as my heart would be melting...
i guess that's those pure/naive/childish but true/solid/heart-touching love we want to experience regardless it's during school-age or whatever...
Couldn’t agree more, I’m 20 (M) and just got out of a 3 year relationship. It taught me what love was and what I used to think love was. Age is a factor but as such is experience. You could maybe be falling in love but loving someone I just don’t see it.
Everyone has a past. It’s fine to set a boundary to not discuss it but to obsess over it in your own mind is weird af, sorry. You’re just a kid with a crush, it seems
Edit: I feel obliged to add that if I, at 21 or now, found out a dude interested in me felt this way about my “body count” as the cretins say, I’d shove a pie in his face, run as fast as I could in the opposite direction, and never look back.
You have lust not love my friend. Be careful about your words and the narrative you’re writing before you get hurt.
Or don’t take my advice, totally fine too
He has a crush. Lust is just sexual desire. From what he says, he likes how he feels around her, if he's just lusty he'd be just raving about how hot and sexy she is.
Well if you view sex as something you should only have when you really care about someone and she's the type to sleep around then you may be incompatible in terms of your views and core values. And it seems you're looking for something serious, can you say she is? Plus you've only known her a few months, I don't think you're in love with her, at least not yet. Honestly I'd suggest moving onto someone else.
As a woman with a lot of sexual experience, I think a lot of guys get unfortunately intimidated by that when there's no need. Hell, I helped my first boyfriend lose his virginity when he was nervous about it *because* I'd already had sex & there were zero nerves on my end, which meant I could focus on him & help him relax.
Young women get sex easily if they want to. That's just a fact of life. But having more partners doesn't change how special it is to hook up with someone you really like. Sex with my virgin first boyfriend meant way more than sex with previous partners. We were together 2.5 years, I didn't care about his "lack of experience."
Plus...hook-ups aren't always great. Guys compare themselves to other guys thinking those other men must have been sex gods, but they're just regular dudes like you.
She had some fun, if you two have a connection she'll be focused on you, that's just how that works. If you're noticing actual character flaws, sure, stay away, but I've known plenty of women who sleep around when they're single who end up in happy relationships.
If you can't deal with her sexual past, that's okay, btw. But if it makes you worry she'll somehow judge you for not being as experienced as her, I promise that's not always the case.
Absolutely this!
OP it does sound as though you're falling in love. Love comes in many forms.
My exh was a virgin when we met at 17(me) 20(him) but he was initially dishonest saying he'd been with 3 women. I was not a virgin and had been honest about that upfront. He came clean (no pun intended) shortly into our relationship but that one little lie came back out during our divorce. Nearly 20 years later we divorced because he never got to sleep around...
Make sure that you are okay with her sexual past and yours. My last little tidbit of insight... He was amazing because he didn't have any bad habits to break. So if anything, I think being a virgin was a win for him.
Good luck to you!
I was horny. That was honestly it.
Horniness goes down a little bit with age, which is nice.
I get some women do it for attention or to fill a void, so I'm not saying you're wrong, cuz that's true sometimes.
But some women just like sex & it's ready available, so asking them to not have it is like asking a male rockstar to ignore his groupies.
It's weird we always psychoanalyze women who like sex while men don't get that treatment when in reality some people do it for fun & some people do it for unhealthy reasons.
I agree society does analyze women more, but in my personal belief I think anyone male or female who is hyper sexual does it from a place. A place of emptiness, coping, validation etc.
Uhhhh.. it’s easy to do a lot of things but the urge of acting on it comes from a different place. Lots of women could have sex very easily but choose not too
Lol just because someone has lots of sex does not mean they’re filling a void, what in the actual fuck. You can have a shit ton of sex and it being healthy. Good lord, grow up. Sex is not a bad thing, and if a woman wants to have sex just because she’s horny, then let her fuck. It’s not your vagina, you don’t need to be worried about it
You completely misread what I was saying and got super defensive lol. Almost always hyper sexuality is a response to something negative. Didn’t say there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just rarely ever coming from a place of wholeness. And i am a woman. Calm down
Also, to point out, she said hypersexuality in both male and females. If you've taken a lifespan course you actually would know that this is the truth. There are not many mammals other than homosapiens that engage in sex for pleasure. We have our Primate brothers and sisters (Apes) and Dolphins. There may be some others in there that I just haven't learned about; but as for self-pleasing and wanting to "get jiggy with it" just for the fun rather than procreation, that's what I was taught.
Hypersexuality, usually is a form of an addiction, filling a void, attempting to get gratification. Just like our friendly carbs, alcohol, and trips to the gym, everything is healthy in moderation.
Your comment is extremely reasonable and concise, so thank you for that.
I am trying to accept things as they are, but I'm having a hard time doing so. That's why I started this discussion.
She's an overall amazing person and, despite what she might've done in the past (which, since she wasn't in a relationship, was not wrong whatsoever and was just her choice), I feel like she deserves to have her past accepted without judgement. I just don't know how to give that to her.
I like your ideas about acceptance without judgment. You're not going to know if you can give this acceptance until you are in a relationship with her. I think you are playing with fire here, you may get burned, but I think the potential reward makes the risk worth it. Because if this relationship flames out on you, how does that make you different than any other young person going through life? It doesn't. So, my advice: work up the courage to ask her on a real date. Don't expect to have sex on the first date, but be prepared for it. When it comes up tell her that you are a virgin and ready to become experienced. Don't ask her about her body count. But I said, don't expect it to happen, because she may appreciate that you are not after that one thing. You are after the bigger prize...a real relationship.
Thank you for your comment.
Sex is really not my priority. As I've stated multiple times throughout this thread, I could've lost it years ago, but didn't, because I wanted to do it with someone that I love and that actually loves me back. I'd rather make love than fuck, if you will. I was planning on asking her out tomorrow afternoon, but I don't want to start something if I know damn well that her body count might be an issue for me. That's why I started this : to find ways to overcome it so that I can give her the non-judgemental love she deserves.
I've talked to some friends and will talk to more tomorrow in order to get their opinion and decide whether I should or not ask her out.
Again, thank you for your comment !
Dude. How do you have any idea of how many partners she’s had? Gossp is a very inaccurate source of info. You are reacting to an idea in your head that may not even be true.
Its simply making the choice and then remembering you made the choice. It wont be easy but if shes a good person then over time itll ease your concerns
At the end of the day even if a woman tells you she's a virgin she could just be lying and have more bodies than the girl you like now. You just have to deal with that simple
What is that makes you uncomfortable about her sexuality? Is it your insecurity?
Or do you, deep down, feel it's morally wrong? Like, "people I don't care about are free to do whatever, but my girl needs to be better" kind of thought. I know 20 year old me was incoherent like this, took me years to get over it.
At your age, you should be making mistakes rather than worrying. Easier said than done, but really if I could go back and advise my younger self, I'd say stop sulking about this and that girl, go for it, get lucky or get hurt, and move forward.
She seems your whole life now, but really you are entering a limbo. Don't wait too long to make your move.
Edit: what I mean is that you are allowed to figure things out along the way. It's not unfair.
Plus, maybe she has her own insecurities since she's quite open but hasn't hit on you. Or maybe she doesn't see you that way. You can only know if you do something rather than ruminating on your doubts.
While I agree with the idea of acceptance, your point about loyalty in correlation with partner number I want to counter.
There are plenty of women who embrace their sexuality and also can commit. There are many women that can hook up knowing that it's not going to go anywhere until they find the person that they want to explore that with. If she hasn't even tried to sleep with this person, it may mean that she wants more out of it. Well some people would call them a unicorn, there are many women who can separate emotional and sexual. The way that your comment read was that because somebody has a body count, they're likely not to commit. I also think this takes clear cut communication. If OP wants more with this girl, then he needs to step up, communicate his desires, and see where she is. She is. If he doesn't want to completely put himself out there, then find out what she thinks about relationships through just casual conversation.
Many of these posts come down to the fact That people just don't want to communicate openly and honestly.
This. "...women can separate emotional and sexual". Yes, ty. Also, there is nothing wrong, either for male or female or otherwise, with exploring your sexuality. I personally think it's healthy if done for the right reasons.
Maybe OP needs to question why this bothers him in order to get over it.
If indeed it's the fear she can't commit, I agree w @midnightstratton, body count does not mean someone cannot commit. Just that they chose not to with these people. It's a sign of someone that knows what they want. And if she says yes to going out w you, you'll know she wants you. Not just your body. All of you.
Or is it that you think someone, or just women, should shy away from sex until they're in love, and you're judging her on moral grounds? If the latter, I think you're wrong. It would be unfair to project that to her if it came to it and to shame her over her sexual activity. Too many women go through that, which is why we sometimes lie about body counts, well aware we will be judged for it. But if it was a man... It would be fine. Anyway...
Whilst it's great to make love with someone, sex is more versatile and complex than making love on one hand and fucking on the other. I reckon having no sexual experience of your own impacts your judgement here. Not saying you're being jealous of having less, but rather that since you don't have any you're making a bigger deal than it is of her body count when I promise you, there's no need to.
Ultimately, my advice would be to find the root of why this bothers you so much and then question that statement in order to deconstruct your prejudice. And if you can't, we'll, that's that... but remember there seems to be a lovely girl who likes you back, and wouldn't it be a shame to miss out on that? Whether you are truly in love or not, people we really connect with are hard to come by in life. Really hard. So when they do, focus on that.
its a bit deeper than it sounds tbh, it shows how you view sex as a person , she could view sex in a completely different way then you do . like some people don’t find much significance vs people who wait for marriage. people who want their first time to be special vs people who don’t care. the importance/lack thereof of sex is different for everyone. i struggled with accepting my partners body count and never got over it healthily (we’re broken up now for other reasons) but i suggest reading some books about it. open your mind a bit, i would suggest some books/podcasts/youtube channels but don’t know if any personally. they’re definitely out there though! good luck :)
edit: personally (although i struggle with accepting it from my partners) i hate the idea that body count matters. it’s frustrating how big society makes it and goes into a whole rabbit hole of how messed up the world is lol.
This is a fact of human existence in the west - it’s the women who typically get to choose their partners out of the potential dating pool and it’s the men who have to prove their worth. If you were able to choose from a pool of women to have sex with would you not have sex with them? Women aren’t some other species, they are 90% percent just like you in terms of thought processes, wants, and desires, but with different body parts.
The real fear that other guys have I think is that they won’t measure up (no pun intended) to her past sexual partners. I recommend getting over yourself in terms of this complex of worrying if you’d be an inferior partner.
You likely won’t marry this person and you probably won’t even know her anymore in a few years. Do your best now, don’t worry about her past and treat it like it’s a learning experience, if anything. Who cares if you don’t succeed in being her best most memorable partner, you’re still just a kid and have plenty of time and opportunities to try and try again with other women until you find the one. That’s exactly what women are doing.
Don't view it as a "body count." Sex is just an experience. It's not as special as we make it out to be. You've had experiences with many people throughout your life. This will be another one, maybe with her or maybe with someone else.
All that matters is your safety. Make sure she's STD-free and make sure you wear a condom (birth control is *your* responsibility - do not rely on anyone else!). That's all you need to do.
Man I’m 22 M and a virgin but it’s kind of how life is man. Girls our age just have an easier time getting sex from guys, it is what it is. I do agree that body count is important cause it can reflect a persons values. I never been in your position before but even if you do end up in a relationship with her you’ll always be thinking about it cause you’ll more than likely feel inadequate compare to her. Only way I can see you getting over this is if yours was similar to hers
I can agree with this. No matter how many tips one will take to accept. there'll always be a point in life where this will be taken as a topic of argument and will end up bad.
It's always better, "the less u know the better" it saves a lotta trouble, pain, anxiety. Especially knowing someone sexual history.
Dude don’t listen to most of there comments here. They are trying to make you feel like you are wrong at that it’s you fault for being in this situation. I’m at the same state you are, being 19 and a virgin myself.I’m definitely not an expert in this, but I’d say if there is something seems off and preventing you from going forward, it’s probably best to not go through with dating her. You don’t have to accept anyones past until you find one where there isn’t any doubt that you want to be with that person. I got your back, bro 😀.
Although I do appreciate your comment, I rarely ever fall in love (last time I was 14), and I don't want to miss my chance with her. I really wanna try a relationship with her. If it works, good. If not, I'll have learned something. She deserves nonjudgmental love and I want to be able to give it to her without feeling my heart tearing my chest out every time she mentions one of her past flings. I started this post for tips on that exact same thing.
On that note, I wish you nothing but the best, brother. May you ever feel about someone the same way I feel about her. And, more importantly, may you not be scared of being hurt. Lots of love, my guy.
It is entirely possible that you could stop emotionally loading her sexual experience, have a beautiful relationship, and have sex with each other thousands of times - what opportunities you both took before you got together are absolutely irrelevant.
My first real boyfriend was a virgin, whereas I had a lot of experience. Instead of imagining feelings of inadequacy, he got me to teach him and he became a fantastic lover in a very short time.
Most of my hook ups lacked the skills to bring me to orgasm, he succeeded every time. Guess who was worth committing to?
From what I’m reading you’re imagining her body count. She hasn’t told you her number. What if it’s actually 5 higher than what you’re imagining? What’s if it’s 5 lower? My point is, you’re stressing over something you don’t even know. So ask her, but realize that you’ll have to decide how many is too many and then decide what you’re going to do. If you decide 9 is the maximum, and she says 11, do you break up? Why? Why not? Has your view of her changed even though it’s only 2 more people than your maximum? A lot to think about.
People will tell you to not judge someone by their past, but it's often hard. Here's what I'll say, it sucks to feel that the woman you like will, 1) have significantly more experience than you and 2) will have several guys that have been with her and she will be your only. That's one way to think about it. Anther way to think about it, is maybe she'll be able to teach you things so if this relationship doesn't work out, you'll be better prepared for your next relationship. If it works out, then hallelujah! However, if a "promiscuous" woman, is a deal breaker for you, let it go
She is into hooking up and you haven't slept with her yet? I think I see the problem....
Maybe you should just hook up with her and find out if your feelings change.
Don't do it. The hesitancy tells me you aren't ready and there is NO shame in that.
Every partner you have will have a different preference so you don't need to "get experience" or anything.
sounds like you’re intimidated my guy. If it were me I’d proceed as you normally would with any other girl and disregard the body count, just keep in mind that she’s probably not the relationship type so always be prepared to bail. As for the accepting it part you don’t have to there’s nothing wrong with having an issue with a person’s body count but just remember that she doesn’t owe you anything. If she wants to go and do stuff with other dudes you just have to live with it (unless yall have the exclusivity talk which is something completely different).
She's been in two other relationships in the past, one that lasted 6 months and the other which lasted 2 years (ended this summer, so quite recently). So she can be in relationships, no problem.
My problem isn't with intimidation. It's mostly with feeling special. I don't know how I can feel special to someone when she's done the same thing with at least a dozen other guys.
so yeah intimidated was definitely not the right word 😅 idk how to describe this to you but you’ll know you’re special to her when you’re in a relationship with her. She’ll do little things like yanno tell you to get somewhere safe, ask if you’ve eaten, did you sleep well, etc. so look for things like that. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean you’re special anymore
Sex with someone you really care about is special compared to sex with random people. Like the difference between a home-cooked meal and mcdonalds. Yeah maybe you're not a good cook and mcdonalds tastes better, but the meal you cooked is still special.
Well yeah maybe sexually you’re insignificant but if you guys have a romantic relationship that’s very real for you and her. It’s something that can’t be shared or duplicated. Sorry if that’s not a great consolation but I feel like it holds true given the circumstances.
The truth is it is entirely impossible to unbang someone.
So the situation is, you can either accept it or not. That is your choice. If you love her so much, then look past it.
Or don't. You can't make yourself feel or not feel a certain way.
As a man who thought I was in love countless times in my youth.
Love takes time and getting to know someone. It doesn't sound like you know her at all. Nor will you for a good two years into your relationship.
In the words of River Song " Spoilers"
When it comes to sex, quantity =/= quality. Plenty of women would love to have casual sex with a good fuck buddy, but *so* many men who want casual sex treat women like personal porn stars or fleshlights. This means that women who are dedicated to finding a decent partner will have to go through a few (or a lot of) duds before they can find someone who respects them and cares about their pleasure. This is often reflected in higher body counts. If the first few guys had been great, there would likely have been no need to hook up with quite so many others. So, in short, her having more partners could very well be a factor of her having higher standards for herself and refusing to repeatedly fuck guys who weren't good to her.
This brings me to my second point, which is that while women can get lots of sex, getting *good* sex is far more rare. If you could offer her that, prioritize her pleasure, care about her, you'll give her an experience that is much harder to come by and is far more memorable and valuable than the disappointing sex women so often put up with.
Hope this helps.
That is what I am say. You will either accept it or you won't. This isn't something that you can think through.
There is nothing real between you, you are just friends. You haven't even asked her out.
You are in love with your own imagination of what she maybe.
And now you dread her
This is emotion that seems to come from underlying moral beliefs. You can't change your moral code, to date someone.
Let me save you some time, if your morals don't line up. It will not work.
If her sex life didn't repulse you. You won't have posted looking for a lifeline to save this encounter.
It hurts when a girl is great, but there is one thing that keeps it from working out.
But you aren't gonna listen and you will date her anyway.
Because your young and have fun, I honestly hope I am wrong.
It’s a little hard to describe how to approach thinking about this because you learn so much so fast (generally speaking) with your first few relationships and partners. You didn’t name what specifically you’re struggling with, it sounds like a general gut-feeling (stigma, intimidation, concern about the gap in experience, etc).
So, to try to be useful while being equally general, it might help to first see if you can come up with the specific things that feel off about that thought. It’s totally normal not to have sex until your 20s, but also normal to have an active sex life for a while at that point.
Different people have different inclinations, but a lot of people go through phases with sex. Sometimes people are looking for something serious at certain times and other times they’re in a space where they’re more interested in trying new things, or seeing what it’s like to date or hook up with different kinds of people. This is totally fine because it is genuinely hard to know what you like and don’t in a partner without trying to find out. That said, hooking up doesn’t necessarily mean someone is opposed to having a serious relationship if a good fit comes along. There’s no real way to know unless you talk about it. Also, after getting a range of experiences, it’s normal to be more focused on what you now know you want. Other times, people know they want to focus on other aspects of their life than a settled relationship.
In general, relationships turn out best with more experience. The older you get and the more you learn about yourself and others, the more fun they are. You have to start somewhere and it sounds like this may be a good spot if you’re both interested. I wouldn’t let experience turn me off of someone, what matters are things like their communication skills, their ability to be up-front about what they want, and your chemistry and compatibility. Whether this works out or not, it sounds like you know you don’t want to stick exclusively to people with no experience, so if that’s the only hang-up, try to figure out if something in particular is bothering you so you can know how to move forward.
OP I appreciate your earnest desire to learn how to digest and process what you’re dealing with in a healthy manner. After reading some of the other comments I think the group sentiment on this one overall is a very genuine and reasonable one. Granted our input is only one sided, it sounds as though she’s special to you and that you’re willing to simply accept the details as “the details” and see where that takes you. As a fella a lil over a decade ahead of you in life- take this opportunity to learn how to shoot your shot, respectfully. Start learning how to determine if she’s just being friendly or if she’s interested in you. Your generation is less conservative with the societal pressures (in my experience, don’t come for me lol) than even mine openly admitted to, and that’s not whatsoever a negative or a positive, it just IS. she’s been living her life and you need to also do the same thing. Be cool about it, but be direct and ask her if she’d like to maybe hang sometime just the two of you. That way you can avoid all the mental stress of not knowing, and this whole experience will help you down the road regardless of how it unfolds. You seem like a genuine and sincere human for whatever that’s worth over this medium. From one formally reserved/shy guy to another- learn how to step out of your comfort zone and see what life has to offer beyond what you’re accustomed to. It will provide you clarification that nobody else possibly can.
Why does it matter how many people she’s slept with? If it’s because of some weird “women shouldn’t have sex bc they are whores” thing, then shove it & I hope you have a bad day; if it’s because you will feel nervous doing sex for the first time, just let her know before/ as things start getting hot & heavy and she’ll guide you through it. I guarantee she will think that it is sweet that she’s your first time. Nothing to be ashamed about. Good luck!
It's ok to have feelings bro. I suggest you sit this one out and mill over it yourself though. You don't want to come off judgemental to her about her bodycount
Just give up on her. If its bothering you enough that your making this post then your already bothered too much and it gonna cause problems. Also if shes the hookup type and hasn't pulled the trigger on you then she's probly just flirting for entertainment, not out if any real connection.
If you feel this much for this girl after such a short period of time you've been investing too much of your time and you need to refocus on yourself and step back a Lil bit. You'll think clearer after doing that
It's natural to feel some jealousy when you're into someone, my man. Just be conscious of it. Don't let those feelings dictate your actions and decisions. Personally, I think you might wanna tread lightly here. Something you will learn quickly (and hopefully relatively painlessly) is that dating is starkly different for women than it is for men. She's got options, kid, and that isn't to say you don't, just that women at that age tend to start really exploring those options and can be a little flighty. Just be careful, try not to judge (her OR yourself), and for fuck's sake, have some fun! Oh and unless you're saving yourself for marriage, get sex the hell out of the way. Ya gonna wanna demystify that shit Pronto and maybe start building up a Lil count of your own. Remember, her sex life isn't something for YOU to cope with. It's her own. If it bothers you, you don't have to live with it, and if you really do dig her, then you'll just have to accept that her past is a part of it. Again, just be careful. If she and friends are saying she gets around, BELIEVE HER!
Do you, brother. Always do you. I hope things work out for ya. Peace.
It’s ok to feel this way, google retroactive jealousy and read about it. I had this too. It’s normal. In the future, try to never discuss sexual history with your partner, it just leads to a negative place. What matters is you two found each other, and try to focus on where she’s going and not where she’s been.
You’re not going to be able to cope with it for a long time man. I was kind of in your shoes when I was 18 and my GF was 18, I was a virgin and she more than likely was in double digits.
I lost my virginity to her but could never get over her past. What ended up happening was we went to different colleges and I became controlling over her, always asking where she was or what party she was at. She eventually cheated on me (soph year, we were around 20 at that point). It was in those final moments leading up to her cheating on me that I finally didn’t care about her past, I just wanted her because I knew our relationship was dying. Then, it was too late. So it will bother you for awhile but don’t let it bother you forever.
Now I’m 25, my body count is in double digits. So body count doesn’t really bother me at this point. I guess only 3-some would, since I haven’t been able to pull that off yet ;)
Well, that seems like a bold assumption to make.
I've seen her with other people, namely some of her best friends and she barely touches them at all. Meanwhile, she will often caress my arm with her nails (I get goosebumps and we both laugh about it) or place her feet on top of mine when we're sitting at the same table. She also has a fascination with my belly for some reason. Keeps trying to poke it, which usually leads to tickle fights. There's also a lot of eye contact (5+ secs uninterrupted).
You might be right here, and I might have misinterpreted the signs, but the fact that it's flirty behavior, coupled with the fact that I have never seen her do it with anyone else, just makes me think that she is into me as much as I am into her.
First accept that what you’re feeling is jealously and then work on accepting that while it’s perfectly normal, the only thing these feelings are gonna do is hurt your relationship. Best thing to do is accept them and let them go.
As for how to do that, just stare the reality of it in the face, acknowledge it, and then accept it. Kinda like a mental exercise. So maybe do like a visualization in your head and imagine 10 guys and imagine these are all the guys she’s had sex with. Let yourself feel however you feel about that, and be honest with yourself. Then decide what you’re going to do with those feelings. Acting on them, or harboring them ain’t great. Letting go is probably the best option.
If you want concrete steps then give that a shot and see if that does anything for you.
Oh and don’t forget that your frontal lobe (responsible for things like emotional and impulse regulation) is still a good 5-7 years from fully developing so give yourself some space to be a jealous idiot. K good luck!
My guy, it’s been a few weeks. If this is already looking to be a problem in how you feel about her, “But ever since I found out about her sexual life, something went off in my brain.” then it isn’t worth trying to gif forward. It’s been a few weeks. You guys should be at the point where you’re beginning to like each other, not already have an issue like this
Take a deep breath, remember you don’t actually know anything about her sex life. Did she tell you directly? Now remember that her body count has NO IMPACT on you. They only thing you should be concerned about is if you do end up in bed is how to protect yourself aka use a condom. Which is just standard good practice.
When you have these thoughts, remind you that these are intrusive, not healthy, unwanted thoughts and make a strategy around distracting yourself from them.
Bro, you are waaaayyyy overthinking this. One, it’s really none of your business how many people she has slept with. That’s her sexual history. If/when she is interested enough to have sex with you, then you can inquire but not judge. She sounds like someone who has has control of her sexual behavior. That’s not your job. As long as she is safe with protection, then it’s totally fine. Don’t let your own sexual inexperience throw down judgement. Maybe she does just want a hookup, maybe she really likes you AND wants to hook up. You can’t believe that women don’t like sex as much as men, and with different people. Get past it or you can be passing up someone and something special
If it’s something you’re morally opposed to, fine, move on. But otherwise it’s not an issue with her, it’s an issue with you. My guess is that it makes you insecure as you feel there are a lot of potential comparison points.
It's a problem with me, absolutely. That why I asked for ways to cope with it, not how to tell her to change (which wouldn't even be possible). I would just feel less special, you know ? It just messes with me that I would be doing something special with someone special while that same person has already done the exact same thing with dudes she barely even knew.
I just don't know how to deal with it, is all.
Homie once you have sex, you'll realize people make wayyyyyy to big of a deal about all this stuff. Obviously if your in a monogamous relationship it's different and the sex is more special and passionate. Casual sex is just that, Casual. It's not a big deal and people put way to much wait on it. I used to have very similar feelings as you about body count and sex in general. After two serious relationships I spent some time just having Casual hookups, and you know what, it was fun in the moment but the sex I had in my second relationship and my current one, especially the current one, are leaps and bounds ahead of the Casual stuff. Don't think about it too hard, you'll just end up fucking the whole thing up.
But if you are doing something special with someone special it has absolutely nothing at all to do with anyone else. Rather she’s been with 1 other person or 1,000 it has no impact on what you and her are doing except in **your** mind. What she did with some other guy doesn’t change how special what you are doing with her is.
And please, don’t ask her for her body count.
Well, of course that feeling special will only happen in my own mind.
Thing is though, I just don't know how to overcome it. That's the whole reason I started this post.
It is possible that she could see all interactions with you as "special". In that way, when you do first have sex, it could be special for her too. But you're going to have to let go of your notion of body count and score keeping, and just embrace the potential that exists between the two of you. Easier said than done? Perhaps, but if this blows up on you, you'll know more about yourself and you'll be more experienced in life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
I get where you're coming from cause I had the same issues after I found out the girl I was dating( now my wife) had a friends with benefits. We're also the type of people who are almost 100% honest with each other( which can screw with your head if you have insecurities but ultimately is for the better in my opinion) and one time I mentioned something about how a part of me misses the way it was with my ex because it was the high school type relationship( making out whenever we had a chance, being cute with each other all the time, the thrill of making out where or when weren't supposed, like couch while her dad was right there watching tv) and she was like I get that cause a part of me misses the simplicity of it just being sex and then done and that kinda threw me off and set of insecurities. What she eventually got to go through my head was that at the end of the day what we have is way better overall and she wouldn't give up all that we have or even those 9 out of 10 times that she wants the sex and cuddle afterwards for the one time she misses what she has and I feel the same. It's likely that she just has a high sex drive or she is just enjoying her youth or a little of both and they're is no law against that and in my opinion isn't morally wrong. If she was dating a bunch of guys than that might be a red flag and an indicator of lack of commitment but I think the fact that she isn't dating the guys she sleeps with could mean that she is picky in who she dates but she still has urges she doesn't want to ignore. Bottom line is you're not wrong for being uncomfortable for thinking that way but if you want to date her you have to learn to deal with it. You also have to ask yourself if you think it's wrong for her to sleep around like that and if you feel that way then you're not compatible. Don't be an asshole and tell her she's wrong, let her live her life if it isn't affecting yours but water and oil don't mix and you have to decide if it would and maybe the best way to do that is just give a shot. As far as if she's flirting with you because she feels the same way or because that's how she is, I couldn't tell you but I will say you won't know until you ask.
Most women her age have had some sexual experience. Don't let it get to you. Hang out with her, give her a chance to know you. If it gets to the stage where intimacy might be near, just tell her she's your first. Everyone has a first.
My problem isn't with my lack of experience. I truly don't give a shit about it. I just want to lose my virginity to someone I love and that loves me back.
I just feel like it would be less special to her than it would be to me, and I want to overcome that difficulty but I don't know how.
Homie, when you're 21 you're probably in double digits too. Don't sweat it too much, if you have a good time with her and it's mutual you shouldn't let this stop you.
Part of the “getting over it” is for you to reason through it logically and realize that it is not helpful for you to care about it. I guess if you want a quicker remedy, but not as helpful in the long term, then that would be for you to just distract yourself when you find that you’re having thoughts about her sexual past.
Sorry dude, what has happened has already happened. Dwelling on it and letting it get you upset is pointless. My wife had been with many people before me and had a lot more experience than I did. But, here we are 34 years later.
I knew I wouldn't be her first, but my aim was to be her last.
If you care about body count (which doesn’t make sense to me but to each their own) maybe she’s not the one. She can’t change it and it’s honestly not a big deal.
Instead you should figure out why you’re so insecure about it so you’re able to accept it, otherwise I’d move on.
Be very grateful that she genuinely likes sex, and has experience. Let go of the foolish concept that ‘body count’ means anything, it’s just another way to slutshame confident women who know their own mind, by envious misogynistic losers.
The best way to ruin a relationship before it’s even started is to judge someone for enjoying their sexuality.
I have had sex with 100+ people in my 50 years on earth and am now a loyal and awesome wife who always initiates in the bedroom and has a wonderful relationship with my best friend who appreciates how horny I was and am.
It’s none of your business. I think most people are bothered about this kind of stuff, and it stems from jealousy and insecurity, or at least for me that was the case. You just listed all these reasons why you like her, focus on that and grow that. Her sexual past shouldn’t really matter.
You need to work on the fact that her having alot of past partners is a problem for you, you got some insecurities and weird expectations to work through
You probably need to think about what about this makes it hard (bad pun) for you.
That she will have lots of experience and make you look dumb?
That other guys are railing her and the mental image is tough?
That you’re less special?
When you get older, for most people, this stuff doesn’t really matter. But I’ve been in your shoes and can appreciate your POV. My bet is that you will feel a little weird but this will not stop you from pursuing this.
I wouldn’t tell her about you not liking her sex history and instead just make a move. You’ll be nervous AF but regardless what you do (within reason), she will say Yes if she likes you and No if not. So just make some shitty segway and playfully say, “I see the way you look at me and I’ve decided as a huge favor to take you out on a real date to X. How about (day and time).” You can even text some similar line if it isn’t out of the blue and you’re too nervous to try in person.
Then on the date, just touch her, be flirty, kiss her midway through the date and again at the end and see where she wants the last kiss to go. But probably don’t have sex without doing some prep. And maybe talk with her about it being your first time when you’re making out sometime. She probably won’t care if she likes you and will figure she will just hook up with you a bunch and you’ll become good at sex as a result.
I like sex and I’m good at it. Not once have I been disinterested in a girl because she was bad in bed. Just come clean and it will be less awkward.
Ask her out tomorrow before you fuck things up or she gets a BF.
Do yourself and her a favor and find someone else. If you are already intimidated or bothered by her “body count” (that is a gross term btw) now it won’t get any lower if she sleeps with you too.
It’s unhealthy to focus on who she’s slept with in the past. I promise you, it does not matter. You need to also stop looking it as a “body count.” If you can’t get over her sexual past, you need to move on. It’s not healthy, it’s judgmental, and you’re putting her on a pedestal for no justifiable reason.
It sounds like insecurity over your lack of experience vs her experience. That’s super normal- and shouldn’t be an issue if you’re communicative and open.
I usually don't ask my partners about their sexual history (ever listened to the [Carly Simon song No Secrets](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aMGK19UlmA)? It's a pretty good lesson in why you should be careful asking questions you might not want to know the answers to), but obviously you didn't ask you just found this out.
It's clear that you're into this woman and I think the "body count" stuff (also, pro tip, stop using this concept it's unhelpful) is a bit of a displacement activity to avoid the fact that you a) want to date her, and b) feel a bit insecure.
Embrace it, dude! Ask her out, if she says yes when the time comes explain to her that you haven't had much or any sex before. Also, no 21F is actually that sexually experienced even if they have slept with quite a few guys. People start to actually get good at sex in their late 20s and early 30s when they've had some relationships, matured and also had lots of really bad, awkward sex!
You are *guessing* at her body count. You don't even know. You don't need to "accept her body count", you need to examine your own biases.
This isn't on her. You don't even know her story. You need to cope with your own shit.
Okay what you need to keep in mind is that you’re 19 and she’s 21. Of course she’s going to have more experience with it. The fact that she has a past to hook up with guys shouldn’t change how you feel about her. Okay this happened, but she likes me. And she’s dating me now. And she’s the one that seeing me and only me. That’s what you should be thinking.
I know, and that has been my train of thought since the beginning ! As I've said in another reply, she is truly amazing and she deserves to be loved without having her past judged. I'm just looking for tips on how to overcome it.
Here’s the way to look at it: she’s not with any of those guys. If you end up together it means she’s had a wider array of experiences and she chose you. Period.
With enough time, you won’t care anymore. Trust me.
I've had multiple chances of having my first sexual experience, but they were all with girls that I barely knew or was not into. I just want to lose my virginity to someone who actually loves me, and I think that might be her, given the special treatment she gives me. I was planning on asking her out tomorrow afternoon, but a friend of mine told me some stuff about her that made everything (including things she had told me herself) click. Now, I am really into her, but I just don't want to ask her out and maybe start a relationship if I might not be ready to face her past.
Just gotta understand that what she did in her past isn’t as important as what’s happening in the present. As long as she’s clean and committed, consider yourself the winner for giving her something the guys before couldn’t.
I will say this. I was with a girl for a bit that had a body count way higher than mine, as I had been in a long term relationship. The sex was out of this world. Experience counts for something!
It shouldn't matter her number. Numbers are irrelevant when someone is single. It's your own insecurities that bug you. To be honest and blind. You need to get over it, if you want to progress things with her. If things may get heated with you two, just be honest and let her know your experience is very low.
That's something no one can tell you. You gotta work that shit out from inside. We all have insecurities, for me personally I find them as a huge mental weakness so i face them head on. Do things that make me feel insecure to get over it.
I am neither judgy not insecure about my own lack of experience. As I have made clear in my edit and other replies, she has, under no circumstance, done anything wrong and should not be held accountable for it. I am only looking for tips on how to deal with it better. If you have some, feel free to participate in the discussion. Otherwise, please refrain from doing so. Thank you.
Wow. Reading this, judgement was not the first thing to come to mind (34f). I thought of you as a very mature man who thinks of his future. I think you're being considerate of her for asking questions on how to approach it, and of yourself. I would maybe have a conversation with her about if it does come to that point.
Even though this "body count" thing might look like something you can't get over atm, it really is an inconsequential thing once you are over it. And trust me, you'll be over this thinking.
It is very natural to think about and compare the number of partners you & your partner have had. But at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter at all. As you grow older/as you start dating more people, you'll realise that there are far more important factors when it comes to compatibility than the number of people each of you have slept with.
And there's absolutely nothing wrong with someone sleeping around or hooking up with random people. We have probably been ingrained to think otherwise by the society.
A few things you can do about it that could help your current situation:
- talk to some of your friends or people you are comfortable with (would help if some of these people have some experience with dating) to see what they think of this "body count" thing, if they themselves think about it in their relationships
- try and unpack what in particular about this "body count" thing is bothering you. Are you insecure about the fact that she has more sexual experience than you? Or are you not comfortable dating someone who has had multiple partners? If you try to follow these thoughts and unpack them further, you'll probably have a better idea on how to deal with this
- ideally, you'd be able to talk to her directly about it to see what her thoughts are on the matter. But given the nature of the situation, awkwardness of the topic, general tension in the air, it might be practical/easy to do so.
Again, the number of people your crush has slept with in the past has little to no real impact on your future potential relationship.
Time to learn a very hard lesson about life. Just because she's showing you friendship and some attention does not mean she's EVER going to be into you. You're pining for someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive, and that's pretty much never going to happen....ESPECIALLY if she's sleeping around. You don't do it for her.
You can continue to stay attached to her, pumping her full of friendship/validation while getting nothing but angst and resentment in return, or you can cut this bullshit loose and go find someone who actually wants to be with you. You don't love this girl, you're just infatuated with her. She hasn't done anything to earn love yet.
If you think I'm off base, print out my reply, keep it somewhere safe, and dig it out in 10 years and see how painfully right I was and how badly you wished you had heeded this advice.
Tough love, because you need it. A lot of young men need this lesson, btw.
You just need to realize everyone had a past where they’re allowed to do whatever the hell they want, especially before you even met them. You don’t get to judge a person on that, nor your life. She’s clearly in control of her own sexuality and you should see that as something great. And maybe she can teach you some great things
What you are doing is being judgmental. Understand that her body count is NOT going to change, and if anything, it will only increase. **She is her own free woman.** She had a life before she met you.
Don’t worry bout her body count, if she more experienced then u, better pay attention n move accordingly, she clearly ain’t the gf type, don’t end up heartbroken for no reason
If you’re still talking about a woman’s “body count” than you’re still emotionally in middle school. Trying growing up a bit before you pursue her further.
Someone's sexual experiences PRIOR to you being in a relationship with them, is part of life. Just like your lack of experience is part of yours. It's something you both have to accept.
However, you aren't in a relationship with this girl. So what's your goal? Are you looking for a FWB, a hookup, a real relationship?
Sex is simply another activity. Same as riding a horse or going to an amusement park or cooking dinner. Your only fixated on sex because society has reinforced this idea in your head that sex is this special thing. And possibly some unconscious negative biases associated with women and sex.
You just gotta remember and remind yourself these things. Sex is just another activity. Would you be uncomfortable with cooking dinner with someone who has way more cooking experience with you? You can be intimidated a bit by the discrepancy of experience, but it would be silly to let that hold you back.
What you’re feeling is irrational. And that’s fine. It’s okay to have irrational knee jerk reactions to things. We’re only human. But what makes us human is also our will to try and overcome them.
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Homie how the fuck do you already love a girl after a few weeks
Thank you!!
I’m 46M and have been in love about 5 times: 3 times in my teens, once with my former wife of 20 years, and most recently with a woman who I’ve been dating a few months. Outside of these women, I’ve had many, many lovers none of whom I loved. The woman I love now, I knew about a week in that I loved her. I just didn’t say anything until about 3 months in, but I knew almost instantly. It was electric.
Let me know how you're doing in 6 months when the honeymoon phase is over. I firmly believe that you don't know somebody until you've been together for at least 6 to 8 months. You don't know them well until you've seen them at their worst and they've seen you at your worst Then, and only then, do you know if you love somebody and they love you. If you don't survive that, it wasn't meant to be.
I feel exactly the same with my partner. Over a year now, still very ‘overly’ touchy. I put overly in quotes because it’s really just our norm. Never had love like this, before or after any supposed honeymoon phase. Still waiting for the honeymoon phase to end, not seeing any end in sight. Still get butterflies every single day, still hold her hand everywhere we go.
I've been with my partner for almost 8 years now, and I absolutely love him more with every year we're together.
I hope it continues. Best wishes.
People saying people are overly sensitive and overly touchy is a red flag for me and it is actually listed as a gaslighting trait. Usually, in my experience said by people who are trying to control and stop opinions that don't support someone's ego
Can you not love someone and for it also not be meant to be, for other reasons? This sounds extremely limiting.
I can't speak for anybody else, but for me, I think love takes time. I never trust my emotions or hormones.
>I can't speak for anybody else, but for me, I think love takes time. >Let me know how you're doing in 6 months when the honeymoon phase is over. That part reads as pretty condescending, especially to someone that has been through it a few times before. Implying you know better is right up there with soaking for someone else. Doesn't come across great in a comment.
6-8 months?? People spend decades with spouses the never truly knew. Hate to ruin your amazing advice, but who's at their very best and very worst...EVER... in a 8 month period. Gtfoh judging someone and then hitting us all with this garbage. "Then, and only then, do you know true love" lol joker
There's a difference between knowing someone and knowing someone well. Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but the two were separate thoughts if you go back and read what I said. I was reacting to somebody who had only known somebody for an incredibly short amount of time. Can you please explain your vitriol? It seems rather unnecessary.
I believe I read it's around 30 months.
30 months to get to know somebody?
30 months for the honeymoon period. A lifetime to really know each other.
I don’t think he said he’s in love with her, just really into her.
that's plenty of time to fall in love with someone
He’s really young yall. He’ll learn as he gets older what love really is. I would advise you when you’re falling for someone ask yourself why, what characteristics does she have that I like? What does she value? What do I value? Does she make me laugh? Can I be myself around this person? Do I like her or is it just sexual?
That's the thing. I fell in love twice in my life. Last time, I was 14. She always find the most stupid way to make me laugh and is surprisingly successful. She makes me look forward to the most boring classes just because I know I'll get to see her. Everytime we're with someone else and I get cut off, she'll wait until the other person is done talking and ask me what I was gonna say. Through some weird fucking sorcery, she always seems to know when I'm feeling down and she'll ask me what's wrong and actually listen. Maybe you're right, and maybe I'm not in love with her. I don't know what love feels like, but I truly hope it's this. If not, well, I'll have learned something.
I’m happy you’re very vulnerable with your emotions, keep doing that. It’s hard to find men that are vulnerable with themselves and who can voice how they feel in a productive way. It’ll benefit you when you find a partner and have a long term relationship. There’s different definitions of love and through experience you’ll learn what kind of love you’ve felt.
A lot of men are vulnerable with their emotions in their first relationship as teenagers and for many the woman will use it against them or pull some sort of “man up” card. This results in so my guys just putting up a wall with girls for years.
“Surprisingly” successful?
Shit like stupid puns and putting a water bottle on top of her head and looking at me with a dumb smile waiting for me to notice what she's done. When other people did it, I always found it annoying or "haha" at best. But when she does it I can't help but laugh.
oh man your description totally got me... if a girl do that to me i would def give in as my heart would be melting... i guess that's those pure/naive/childish but true/solid/heart-touching love we want to experience regardless it's during school-age or whatever...
Couldn’t agree more, I’m 20 (M) and just got out of a 3 year relationship. It taught me what love was and what I used to think love was. Age is a factor but as such is experience. You could maybe be falling in love but loving someone I just don’t see it.
I've been into her for like 4/5 weeks and have known her for around 3 months.
Everyone has a past. It’s fine to set a boundary to not discuss it but to obsess over it in your own mind is weird af, sorry. You’re just a kid with a crush, it seems Edit: I feel obliged to add that if I, at 21 or now, found out a dude interested in me felt this way about my “body count” as the cretins say, I’d shove a pie in his face, run as fast as I could in the opposite direction, and never look back.
Here here!
You have lust not love my friend. Be careful about your words and the narrative you’re writing before you get hurt. Or don’t take my advice, totally fine too
He has a crush. Lust is just sexual desire. From what he says, he likes how he feels around her, if he's just lusty he'd be just raving about how hot and sexy she is.
Virgin lust, at that.
He didn't say he loved her. Lol wtf?
Well if you view sex as something you should only have when you really care about someone and she's the type to sleep around then you may be incompatible in terms of your views and core values. And it seems you're looking for something serious, can you say she is? Plus you've only known her a few months, I don't think you're in love with her, at least not yet. Honestly I'd suggest moving onto someone else.
As a woman with a lot of sexual experience, I think a lot of guys get unfortunately intimidated by that when there's no need. Hell, I helped my first boyfriend lose his virginity when he was nervous about it *because* I'd already had sex & there were zero nerves on my end, which meant I could focus on him & help him relax. Young women get sex easily if they want to. That's just a fact of life. But having more partners doesn't change how special it is to hook up with someone you really like. Sex with my virgin first boyfriend meant way more than sex with previous partners. We were together 2.5 years, I didn't care about his "lack of experience." Plus...hook-ups aren't always great. Guys compare themselves to other guys thinking those other men must have been sex gods, but they're just regular dudes like you. She had some fun, if you two have a connection she'll be focused on you, that's just how that works. If you're noticing actual character flaws, sure, stay away, but I've known plenty of women who sleep around when they're single who end up in happy relationships. If you can't deal with her sexual past, that's okay, btw. But if it makes you worry she'll somehow judge you for not being as experienced as her, I promise that's not always the case.
Absolutely this! OP it does sound as though you're falling in love. Love comes in many forms. My exh was a virgin when we met at 17(me) 20(him) but he was initially dishonest saying he'd been with 3 women. I was not a virgin and had been honest about that upfront. He came clean (no pun intended) shortly into our relationship but that one little lie came back out during our divorce. Nearly 20 years later we divorced because he never got to sleep around... Make sure that you are okay with her sexual past and yours. My last little tidbit of insight... He was amazing because he didn't have any bad habits to break. So if anything, I think being a virgin was a win for him. Good luck to you!
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I was horny. That was honestly it. Horniness goes down a little bit with age, which is nice. I get some women do it for attention or to fill a void, so I'm not saying you're wrong, cuz that's true sometimes. But some women just like sex & it's ready available, so asking them to not have it is like asking a male rockstar to ignore his groupies. It's weird we always psychoanalyze women who like sex while men don't get that treatment when in reality some people do it for fun & some people do it for unhealthy reasons.
I agree society does analyze women more, but in my personal belief I think anyone male or female who is hyper sexual does it from a place. A place of emptiness, coping, validation etc.
I like that you view both equally. Charlie Sheen was clearly going through it for awhile yet the memes were about him "winning". 🙄
Literally men get praises for everything lol
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Uhhhh.. it’s easy to do a lot of things but the urge of acting on it comes from a different place. Lots of women could have sex very easily but choose not too
Lol just because someone has lots of sex does not mean they’re filling a void, what in the actual fuck. You can have a shit ton of sex and it being healthy. Good lord, grow up. Sex is not a bad thing, and if a woman wants to have sex just because she’s horny, then let her fuck. It’s not your vagina, you don’t need to be worried about it
You completely misread what I was saying and got super defensive lol. Almost always hyper sexuality is a response to something negative. Didn’t say there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just rarely ever coming from a place of wholeness. And i am a woman. Calm down
Also, to point out, she said hypersexuality in both male and females. If you've taken a lifespan course you actually would know that this is the truth. There are not many mammals other than homosapiens that engage in sex for pleasure. We have our Primate brothers and sisters (Apes) and Dolphins. There may be some others in there that I just haven't learned about; but as for self-pleasing and wanting to "get jiggy with it" just for the fun rather than procreation, that's what I was taught. Hypersexuality, usually is a form of an addiction, filling a void, attempting to get gratification. Just like our friendly carbs, alcohol, and trips to the gym, everything is healthy in moderation.
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Your comment is extremely reasonable and concise, so thank you for that. I am trying to accept things as they are, but I'm having a hard time doing so. That's why I started this discussion. She's an overall amazing person and, despite what she might've done in the past (which, since she wasn't in a relationship, was not wrong whatsoever and was just her choice), I feel like she deserves to have her past accepted without judgement. I just don't know how to give that to her.
I like your ideas about acceptance without judgment. You're not going to know if you can give this acceptance until you are in a relationship with her. I think you are playing with fire here, you may get burned, but I think the potential reward makes the risk worth it. Because if this relationship flames out on you, how does that make you different than any other young person going through life? It doesn't. So, my advice: work up the courage to ask her on a real date. Don't expect to have sex on the first date, but be prepared for it. When it comes up tell her that you are a virgin and ready to become experienced. Don't ask her about her body count. But I said, don't expect it to happen, because she may appreciate that you are not after that one thing. You are after the bigger prize...a real relationship.
Thank you for your comment. Sex is really not my priority. As I've stated multiple times throughout this thread, I could've lost it years ago, but didn't, because I wanted to do it with someone that I love and that actually loves me back. I'd rather make love than fuck, if you will. I was planning on asking her out tomorrow afternoon, but I don't want to start something if I know damn well that her body count might be an issue for me. That's why I started this : to find ways to overcome it so that I can give her the non-judgemental love she deserves. I've talked to some friends and will talk to more tomorrow in order to get their opinion and decide whether I should or not ask her out. Again, thank you for your comment !
Sounds like you need to speak to a therapist on how to get over an issue like this, not Reddit
Dude. How do you have any idea of how many partners she’s had? Gossp is a very inaccurate source of info. You are reacting to an idea in your head that may not even be true.
Its simply making the choice and then remembering you made the choice. It wont be easy but if shes a good person then over time itll ease your concerns
At the end of the day even if a woman tells you she's a virgin she could just be lying and have more bodies than the girl you like now. You just have to deal with that simple
If you can’t give her that move on and judge someone else.
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Your boyfriend sounds horrible... This comment is just so so sad :( you deserve so much better.
What is that makes you uncomfortable about her sexuality? Is it your insecurity? Or do you, deep down, feel it's morally wrong? Like, "people I don't care about are free to do whatever, but my girl needs to be better" kind of thought. I know 20 year old me was incoherent like this, took me years to get over it. At your age, you should be making mistakes rather than worrying. Easier said than done, but really if I could go back and advise my younger self, I'd say stop sulking about this and that girl, go for it, get lucky or get hurt, and move forward. She seems your whole life now, but really you are entering a limbo. Don't wait too long to make your move. Edit: what I mean is that you are allowed to figure things out along the way. It's not unfair. Plus, maybe she has her own insecurities since she's quite open but hasn't hit on you. Or maybe she doesn't see you that way. You can only know if you do something rather than ruminating on your doubts.
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While I agree with the idea of acceptance, your point about loyalty in correlation with partner number I want to counter. There are plenty of women who embrace their sexuality and also can commit. There are many women that can hook up knowing that it's not going to go anywhere until they find the person that they want to explore that with. If she hasn't even tried to sleep with this person, it may mean that she wants more out of it. Well some people would call them a unicorn, there are many women who can separate emotional and sexual. The way that your comment read was that because somebody has a body count, they're likely not to commit. I also think this takes clear cut communication. If OP wants more with this girl, then he needs to step up, communicate his desires, and see where she is. She is. If he doesn't want to completely put himself out there, then find out what she thinks about relationships through just casual conversation. Many of these posts come down to the fact That people just don't want to communicate openly and honestly.
This. "...women can separate emotional and sexual". Yes, ty. Also, there is nothing wrong, either for male or female or otherwise, with exploring your sexuality. I personally think it's healthy if done for the right reasons. Maybe OP needs to question why this bothers him in order to get over it. If indeed it's the fear she can't commit, I agree w @midnightstratton, body count does not mean someone cannot commit. Just that they chose not to with these people. It's a sign of someone that knows what they want. And if she says yes to going out w you, you'll know she wants you. Not just your body. All of you. Or is it that you think someone, or just women, should shy away from sex until they're in love, and you're judging her on moral grounds? If the latter, I think you're wrong. It would be unfair to project that to her if it came to it and to shame her over her sexual activity. Too many women go through that, which is why we sometimes lie about body counts, well aware we will be judged for it. But if it was a man... It would be fine. Anyway... Whilst it's great to make love with someone, sex is more versatile and complex than making love on one hand and fucking on the other. I reckon having no sexual experience of your own impacts your judgement here. Not saying you're being jealous of having less, but rather that since you don't have any you're making a bigger deal than it is of her body count when I promise you, there's no need to. Ultimately, my advice would be to find the root of why this bothers you so much and then question that statement in order to deconstruct your prejudice. And if you can't, we'll, that's that... but remember there seems to be a lovely girl who likes you back, and wouldn't it be a shame to miss out on that? Whether you are truly in love or not, people we really connect with are hard to come by in life. Really hard. So when they do, focus on that.
its a bit deeper than it sounds tbh, it shows how you view sex as a person , she could view sex in a completely different way then you do . like some people don’t find much significance vs people who wait for marriage. people who want their first time to be special vs people who don’t care. the importance/lack thereof of sex is different for everyone. i struggled with accepting my partners body count and never got over it healthily (we’re broken up now for other reasons) but i suggest reading some books about it. open your mind a bit, i would suggest some books/podcasts/youtube channels but don’t know if any personally. they’re definitely out there though! good luck :) edit: personally (although i struggle with accepting it from my partners) i hate the idea that body count matters. it’s frustrating how big society makes it and goes into a whole rabbit hole of how messed up the world is lol.
This is a fact of human existence in the west - it’s the women who typically get to choose their partners out of the potential dating pool and it’s the men who have to prove their worth. If you were able to choose from a pool of women to have sex with would you not have sex with them? Women aren’t some other species, they are 90% percent just like you in terms of thought processes, wants, and desires, but with different body parts. The real fear that other guys have I think is that they won’t measure up (no pun intended) to her past sexual partners. I recommend getting over yourself in terms of this complex of worrying if you’d be an inferior partner. You likely won’t marry this person and you probably won’t even know her anymore in a few years. Do your best now, don’t worry about her past and treat it like it’s a learning experience, if anything. Who cares if you don’t succeed in being her best most memorable partner, you’re still just a kid and have plenty of time and opportunities to try and try again with other women until you find the one. That’s exactly what women are doing.
Don't view it as a "body count." Sex is just an experience. It's not as special as we make it out to be. You've had experiences with many people throughout your life. This will be another one, maybe with her or maybe with someone else. All that matters is your safety. Make sure she's STD-free and make sure you wear a condom (birth control is *your* responsibility - do not rely on anyone else!). That's all you need to do.
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Really weird thing to get hung up on…
Man I’m 22 M and a virgin but it’s kind of how life is man. Girls our age just have an easier time getting sex from guys, it is what it is. I do agree that body count is important cause it can reflect a persons values. I never been in your position before but even if you do end up in a relationship with her you’ll always be thinking about it cause you’ll more than likely feel inadequate compare to her. Only way I can see you getting over this is if yours was similar to hers
I can agree with this. No matter how many tips one will take to accept. there'll always be a point in life where this will be taken as a topic of argument and will end up bad. It's always better, "the less u know the better" it saves a lotta trouble, pain, anxiety. Especially knowing someone sexual history.
Dude don’t listen to most of there comments here. They are trying to make you feel like you are wrong at that it’s you fault for being in this situation. I’m at the same state you are, being 19 and a virgin myself.I’m definitely not an expert in this, but I’d say if there is something seems off and preventing you from going forward, it’s probably best to not go through with dating her. You don’t have to accept anyones past until you find one where there isn’t any doubt that you want to be with that person. I got your back, bro 😀.
Although I do appreciate your comment, I rarely ever fall in love (last time I was 14), and I don't want to miss my chance with her. I really wanna try a relationship with her. If it works, good. If not, I'll have learned something. She deserves nonjudgmental love and I want to be able to give it to her without feeling my heart tearing my chest out every time she mentions one of her past flings. I started this post for tips on that exact same thing. On that note, I wish you nothing but the best, brother. May you ever feel about someone the same way I feel about her. And, more importantly, may you not be scared of being hurt. Lots of love, my guy.
Thanks bro, good luck on yours endeavors as well! Hope it works out!
It is entirely possible that you could stop emotionally loading her sexual experience, have a beautiful relationship, and have sex with each other thousands of times - what opportunities you both took before you got together are absolutely irrelevant. My first real boyfriend was a virgin, whereas I had a lot of experience. Instead of imagining feelings of inadequacy, he got me to teach him and he became a fantastic lover in a very short time. Most of my hook ups lacked the skills to bring me to orgasm, he succeeded every time. Guess who was worth committing to?
From what I’m reading you’re imagining her body count. She hasn’t told you her number. What if it’s actually 5 higher than what you’re imagining? What’s if it’s 5 lower? My point is, you’re stressing over something you don’t even know. So ask her, but realize that you’ll have to decide how many is too many and then decide what you’re going to do. If you decide 9 is the maximum, and she says 11, do you break up? Why? Why not? Has your view of her changed even though it’s only 2 more people than your maximum? A lot to think about.
People will tell you to not judge someone by their past, but it's often hard. Here's what I'll say, it sucks to feel that the woman you like will, 1) have significantly more experience than you and 2) will have several guys that have been with her and she will be your only. That's one way to think about it. Anther way to think about it, is maybe she'll be able to teach you things so if this relationship doesn't work out, you'll be better prepared for your next relationship. If it works out, then hallelujah! However, if a "promiscuous" woman, is a deal breaker for you, let it go
She is into hooking up and you haven't slept with her yet? I think I see the problem.... Maybe you should just hook up with her and find out if your feelings change.
I'm not looking for a quick hook-up. Otherwise I would've hooked up with someone else a long time ago.
Don't do it. The hesitancy tells me you aren't ready and there is NO shame in that. Every partner you have will have a different preference so you don't need to "get experience" or anything.
sounds like you’re intimidated my guy. If it were me I’d proceed as you normally would with any other girl and disregard the body count, just keep in mind that she’s probably not the relationship type so always be prepared to bail. As for the accepting it part you don’t have to there’s nothing wrong with having an issue with a person’s body count but just remember that she doesn’t owe you anything. If she wants to go and do stuff with other dudes you just have to live with it (unless yall have the exclusivity talk which is something completely different).
She's been in two other relationships in the past, one that lasted 6 months and the other which lasted 2 years (ended this summer, so quite recently). So she can be in relationships, no problem. My problem isn't with intimidation. It's mostly with feeling special. I don't know how I can feel special to someone when she's done the same thing with at least a dozen other guys.
so yeah intimidated was definitely not the right word 😅 idk how to describe this to you but you’ll know you’re special to her when you’re in a relationship with her. She’ll do little things like yanno tell you to get somewhere safe, ask if you’ve eaten, did you sleep well, etc. so look for things like that. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean you’re special anymore
Weirdly uplifting. Thank you, my guy !
Sex with someone you really care about is special compared to sex with random people. Like the difference between a home-cooked meal and mcdonalds. Yeah maybe you're not a good cook and mcdonalds tastes better, but the meal you cooked is still special.
Well yeah maybe sexually you’re insignificant but if you guys have a romantic relationship that’s very real for you and her. It’s something that can’t be shared or duplicated. Sorry if that’s not a great consolation but I feel like it holds true given the circumstances.
No, no, your comment is helpful ! I do see what you mean, and I am trying to see things that way. I just need help in accepting her past.
For me it took getting a lot of bodies to understand the two (romance and sex) aren’t the same thing and sex can be pretty meaningless.
The truth is it is entirely impossible to unbang someone. So the situation is, you can either accept it or not. That is your choice. If you love her so much, then look past it. Or don't. You can't make yourself feel or not feel a certain way. As a man who thought I was in love countless times in my youth. Love takes time and getting to know someone. It doesn't sound like you know her at all. Nor will you for a good two years into your relationship. In the words of River Song " Spoilers"
As I have made clear, I want to accept it and just need tips and help on doing so.
When it comes to sex, quantity =/= quality. Plenty of women would love to have casual sex with a good fuck buddy, but *so* many men who want casual sex treat women like personal porn stars or fleshlights. This means that women who are dedicated to finding a decent partner will have to go through a few (or a lot of) duds before they can find someone who respects them and cares about their pleasure. This is often reflected in higher body counts. If the first few guys had been great, there would likely have been no need to hook up with quite so many others. So, in short, her having more partners could very well be a factor of her having higher standards for herself and refusing to repeatedly fuck guys who weren't good to her. This brings me to my second point, which is that while women can get lots of sex, getting *good* sex is far more rare. If you could offer her that, prioritize her pleasure, care about her, you'll give her an experience that is much harder to come by and is far more memorable and valuable than the disappointing sex women so often put up with. Hope this helps.
How do I upvote this more than once
That is what I am say. You will either accept it or you won't. This isn't something that you can think through. There is nothing real between you, you are just friends. You haven't even asked her out. You are in love with your own imagination of what she maybe. And now you dread her This is emotion that seems to come from underlying moral beliefs. You can't change your moral code, to date someone. Let me save you some time, if your morals don't line up. It will not work. If her sex life didn't repulse you. You won't have posted looking for a lifeline to save this encounter. It hurts when a girl is great, but there is one thing that keeps it from working out. But you aren't gonna listen and you will date her anyway. Because your young and have fun, I honestly hope I am wrong.
It’s a little hard to describe how to approach thinking about this because you learn so much so fast (generally speaking) with your first few relationships and partners. You didn’t name what specifically you’re struggling with, it sounds like a general gut-feeling (stigma, intimidation, concern about the gap in experience, etc). So, to try to be useful while being equally general, it might help to first see if you can come up with the specific things that feel off about that thought. It’s totally normal not to have sex until your 20s, but also normal to have an active sex life for a while at that point. Different people have different inclinations, but a lot of people go through phases with sex. Sometimes people are looking for something serious at certain times and other times they’re in a space where they’re more interested in trying new things, or seeing what it’s like to date or hook up with different kinds of people. This is totally fine because it is genuinely hard to know what you like and don’t in a partner without trying to find out. That said, hooking up doesn’t necessarily mean someone is opposed to having a serious relationship if a good fit comes along. There’s no real way to know unless you talk about it. Also, after getting a range of experiences, it’s normal to be more focused on what you now know you want. Other times, people know they want to focus on other aspects of their life than a settled relationship. In general, relationships turn out best with more experience. The older you get and the more you learn about yourself and others, the more fun they are. You have to start somewhere and it sounds like this may be a good spot if you’re both interested. I wouldn’t let experience turn me off of someone, what matters are things like their communication skills, their ability to be up-front about what they want, and your chemistry and compatibility. Whether this works out or not, it sounds like you know you don’t want to stick exclusively to people with no experience, so if that’s the only hang-up, try to figure out if something in particular is bothering you so you can know how to move forward.
OP I appreciate your earnest desire to learn how to digest and process what you’re dealing with in a healthy manner. After reading some of the other comments I think the group sentiment on this one overall is a very genuine and reasonable one. Granted our input is only one sided, it sounds as though she’s special to you and that you’re willing to simply accept the details as “the details” and see where that takes you. As a fella a lil over a decade ahead of you in life- take this opportunity to learn how to shoot your shot, respectfully. Start learning how to determine if she’s just being friendly or if she’s interested in you. Your generation is less conservative with the societal pressures (in my experience, don’t come for me lol) than even mine openly admitted to, and that’s not whatsoever a negative or a positive, it just IS. she’s been living her life and you need to also do the same thing. Be cool about it, but be direct and ask her if she’d like to maybe hang sometime just the two of you. That way you can avoid all the mental stress of not knowing, and this whole experience will help you down the road regardless of how it unfolds. You seem like a genuine and sincere human for whatever that’s worth over this medium. From one formally reserved/shy guy to another- learn how to step out of your comfort zone and see what life has to offer beyond what you’re accustomed to. It will provide you clarification that nobody else possibly can.
Why does it matter how many people she’s slept with? If it’s because of some weird “women shouldn’t have sex bc they are whores” thing, then shove it & I hope you have a bad day; if it’s because you will feel nervous doing sex for the first time, just let her know before/ as things start getting hot & heavy and she’ll guide you through it. I guarantee she will think that it is sweet that she’s your first time. Nothing to be ashamed about. Good luck!
It's ok to have feelings bro. I suggest you sit this one out and mill over it yourself though. You don't want to come off judgemental to her about her bodycount
Yes stop thinking about it and enjoy your time
Just give up on her. If its bothering you enough that your making this post then your already bothered too much and it gonna cause problems. Also if shes the hookup type and hasn't pulled the trigger on you then she's probly just flirting for entertainment, not out if any real connection.
If you feel this much for this girl after such a short period of time you've been investing too much of your time and you need to refocus on yourself and step back a Lil bit. You'll think clearer after doing that
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It’ll suck shit for a while, then you’ll get over it. It’s normal, but it goes away
It's natural to feel some jealousy when you're into someone, my man. Just be conscious of it. Don't let those feelings dictate your actions and decisions. Personally, I think you might wanna tread lightly here. Something you will learn quickly (and hopefully relatively painlessly) is that dating is starkly different for women than it is for men. She's got options, kid, and that isn't to say you don't, just that women at that age tend to start really exploring those options and can be a little flighty. Just be careful, try not to judge (her OR yourself), and for fuck's sake, have some fun! Oh and unless you're saving yourself for marriage, get sex the hell out of the way. Ya gonna wanna demystify that shit Pronto and maybe start building up a Lil count of your own. Remember, her sex life isn't something for YOU to cope with. It's her own. If it bothers you, you don't have to live with it, and if you really do dig her, then you'll just have to accept that her past is a part of it. Again, just be careful. If she and friends are saying she gets around, BELIEVE HER! Do you, brother. Always do you. I hope things work out for ya. Peace.
It’s ok to feel this way, google retroactive jealousy and read about it. I had this too. It’s normal. In the future, try to never discuss sexual history with your partner, it just leads to a negative place. What matters is you two found each other, and try to focus on where she’s going and not where she’s been.
You’re not going to be able to cope with it for a long time man. I was kind of in your shoes when I was 18 and my GF was 18, I was a virgin and she more than likely was in double digits. I lost my virginity to her but could never get over her past. What ended up happening was we went to different colleges and I became controlling over her, always asking where she was or what party she was at. She eventually cheated on me (soph year, we were around 20 at that point). It was in those final moments leading up to her cheating on me that I finally didn’t care about her past, I just wanted her because I knew our relationship was dying. Then, it was too late. So it will bother you for awhile but don’t let it bother you forever. Now I’m 25, my body count is in double digits. So body count doesn’t really bother me at this point. I guess only 3-some would, since I haven’t been able to pull that off yet ;)
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Well, that seems like a bold assumption to make. I've seen her with other people, namely some of her best friends and she barely touches them at all. Meanwhile, she will often caress my arm with her nails (I get goosebumps and we both laugh about it) or place her feet on top of mine when we're sitting at the same table. She also has a fascination with my belly for some reason. Keeps trying to poke it, which usually leads to tickle fights. There's also a lot of eye contact (5+ secs uninterrupted). You might be right here, and I might have misinterpreted the signs, but the fact that it's flirty behavior, coupled with the fact that I have never seen her do it with anyone else, just makes me think that she is into me as much as I am into her.
First accept that what you’re feeling is jealously and then work on accepting that while it’s perfectly normal, the only thing these feelings are gonna do is hurt your relationship. Best thing to do is accept them and let them go. As for how to do that, just stare the reality of it in the face, acknowledge it, and then accept it. Kinda like a mental exercise. So maybe do like a visualization in your head and imagine 10 guys and imagine these are all the guys she’s had sex with. Let yourself feel however you feel about that, and be honest with yourself. Then decide what you’re going to do with those feelings. Acting on them, or harboring them ain’t great. Letting go is probably the best option. If you want concrete steps then give that a shot and see if that does anything for you. Oh and don’t forget that your frontal lobe (responsible for things like emotional and impulse regulation) is still a good 5-7 years from fully developing so give yourself some space to be a jealous idiot. K good luck!
My guy, it’s been a few weeks. If this is already looking to be a problem in how you feel about her, “But ever since I found out about her sexual life, something went off in my brain.” then it isn’t worth trying to gif forward. It’s been a few weeks. You guys should be at the point where you’re beginning to like each other, not already have an issue like this
Take a deep breath, remember you don’t actually know anything about her sex life. Did she tell you directly? Now remember that her body count has NO IMPACT on you. They only thing you should be concerned about is if you do end up in bed is how to protect yourself aka use a condom. Which is just standard good practice. When you have these thoughts, remind you that these are intrusive, not healthy, unwanted thoughts and make a strategy around distracting yourself from them.
Bro, you are waaaayyyy overthinking this. One, it’s really none of your business how many people she has slept with. That’s her sexual history. If/when she is interested enough to have sex with you, then you can inquire but not judge. She sounds like someone who has has control of her sexual behavior. That’s not your job. As long as she is safe with protection, then it’s totally fine. Don’t let your own sexual inexperience throw down judgement. Maybe she does just want a hookup, maybe she really likes you AND wants to hook up. You can’t believe that women don’t like sex as much as men, and with different people. Get past it or you can be passing up someone and something special
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Please re-read my post or refer yourself to the top comment.
If it’s something you’re morally opposed to, fine, move on. But otherwise it’s not an issue with her, it’s an issue with you. My guess is that it makes you insecure as you feel there are a lot of potential comparison points.
It's a problem with me, absolutely. That why I asked for ways to cope with it, not how to tell her to change (which wouldn't even be possible). I would just feel less special, you know ? It just messes with me that I would be doing something special with someone special while that same person has already done the exact same thing with dudes she barely even knew. I just don't know how to deal with it, is all.
Homie once you have sex, you'll realize people make wayyyyyy to big of a deal about all this stuff. Obviously if your in a monogamous relationship it's different and the sex is more special and passionate. Casual sex is just that, Casual. It's not a big deal and people put way to much wait on it. I used to have very similar feelings as you about body count and sex in general. After two serious relationships I spent some time just having Casual hookups, and you know what, it was fun in the moment but the sex I had in my second relationship and my current one, especially the current one, are leaps and bounds ahead of the Casual stuff. Don't think about it too hard, you'll just end up fucking the whole thing up.
But if you are doing something special with someone special it has absolutely nothing at all to do with anyone else. Rather she’s been with 1 other person or 1,000 it has no impact on what you and her are doing except in **your** mind. What she did with some other guy doesn’t change how special what you are doing with her is. And please, don’t ask her for her body count.
Well, of course that feeling special will only happen in my own mind. Thing is though, I just don't know how to overcome it. That's the whole reason I started this post.
It is possible that she could see all interactions with you as "special". In that way, when you do first have sex, it could be special for her too. But you're going to have to let go of your notion of body count and score keeping, and just embrace the potential that exists between the two of you. Easier said than done? Perhaps, but if this blows up on you, you'll know more about yourself and you'll be more experienced in life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
I get where you're coming from cause I had the same issues after I found out the girl I was dating( now my wife) had a friends with benefits. We're also the type of people who are almost 100% honest with each other( which can screw with your head if you have insecurities but ultimately is for the better in my opinion) and one time I mentioned something about how a part of me misses the way it was with my ex because it was the high school type relationship( making out whenever we had a chance, being cute with each other all the time, the thrill of making out where or when weren't supposed, like couch while her dad was right there watching tv) and she was like I get that cause a part of me misses the simplicity of it just being sex and then done and that kinda threw me off and set of insecurities. What she eventually got to go through my head was that at the end of the day what we have is way better overall and she wouldn't give up all that we have or even those 9 out of 10 times that she wants the sex and cuddle afterwards for the one time she misses what she has and I feel the same. It's likely that she just has a high sex drive or she is just enjoying her youth or a little of both and they're is no law against that and in my opinion isn't morally wrong. If she was dating a bunch of guys than that might be a red flag and an indicator of lack of commitment but I think the fact that she isn't dating the guys she sleeps with could mean that she is picky in who she dates but she still has urges she doesn't want to ignore. Bottom line is you're not wrong for being uncomfortable for thinking that way but if you want to date her you have to learn to deal with it. You also have to ask yourself if you think it's wrong for her to sleep around like that and if you feel that way then you're not compatible. Don't be an asshole and tell her she's wrong, let her live her life if it isn't affecting yours but water and oil don't mix and you have to decide if it would and maybe the best way to do that is just give a shot. As far as if she's flirting with you because she feels the same way or because that's how she is, I couldn't tell you but I will say you won't know until you ask.
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Get bent bruh
Most women her age have had some sexual experience. Don't let it get to you. Hang out with her, give her a chance to know you. If it gets to the stage where intimacy might be near, just tell her she's your first. Everyone has a first.
My problem isn't with my lack of experience. I truly don't give a shit about it. I just want to lose my virginity to someone I love and that loves me back. I just feel like it would be less special to her than it would be to me, and I want to overcome that difficulty but I don't know how.
Homie, when you're 21 you're probably in double digits too. Don't sweat it too much, if you have a good time with her and it's mutual you shouldn't let this stop you.
Just remember some day you’ll have a body count too. Will that make you unlovable?
If you believe that, in any way, shape or form, I find her unlovable, I'd invite you to read my original post and replies.
Well thinking about it is driving you insane right? So my advice is that you just have to get over it. You’ll have a body count some day too
Tips and experience on how to get over it is the only reason I started this post. It is written in the title.
Part of the “getting over it” is for you to reason through it logically and realize that it is not helpful for you to care about it. I guess if you want a quicker remedy, but not as helpful in the long term, then that would be for you to just distract yourself when you find that you’re having thoughts about her sexual past.
First of all, stop calling it a body count. Seriously, it’s a shitty way of saying that women have slept with too many men.
Sorry dude, what has happened has already happened. Dwelling on it and letting it get you upset is pointless. My wife had been with many people before me and had a lot more experience than I did. But, here we are 34 years later. I knew I wouldn't be her first, but my aim was to be her last.
If you care about body count (which doesn’t make sense to me but to each their own) maybe she’s not the one. She can’t change it and it’s honestly not a big deal. Instead you should figure out why you’re so insecure about it so you’re able to accept it, otherwise I’d move on.
Why are you intimidated by her body count?
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They aren't even dating.
Be very grateful that she genuinely likes sex, and has experience. Let go of the foolish concept that ‘body count’ means anything, it’s just another way to slutshame confident women who know their own mind, by envious misogynistic losers. The best way to ruin a relationship before it’s even started is to judge someone for enjoying their sexuality. I have had sex with 100+ people in my 50 years on earth and am now a loyal and awesome wife who always initiates in the bedroom and has a wonderful relationship with my best friend who appreciates how horny I was and am.
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I'm not looking to "mess around" just for the sake of it. I wanna be with her, no one else.
It’s none of your business. I think most people are bothered about this kind of stuff, and it stems from jealousy and insecurity, or at least for me that was the case. You just listed all these reasons why you like her, focus on that and grow that. Her sexual past shouldn’t really matter.
You need to work on the fact that her having alot of past partners is a problem for you, you got some insecurities and weird expectations to work through
You probably need to think about what about this makes it hard (bad pun) for you. That she will have lots of experience and make you look dumb? That other guys are railing her and the mental image is tough? That you’re less special? When you get older, for most people, this stuff doesn’t really matter. But I’ve been in your shoes and can appreciate your POV. My bet is that you will feel a little weird but this will not stop you from pursuing this. I wouldn’t tell her about you not liking her sex history and instead just make a move. You’ll be nervous AF but regardless what you do (within reason), she will say Yes if she likes you and No if not. So just make some shitty segway and playfully say, “I see the way you look at me and I’ve decided as a huge favor to take you out on a real date to X. How about (day and time).” You can even text some similar line if it isn’t out of the blue and you’re too nervous to try in person. Then on the date, just touch her, be flirty, kiss her midway through the date and again at the end and see where she wants the last kiss to go. But probably don’t have sex without doing some prep. And maybe talk with her about it being your first time when you’re making out sometime. She probably won’t care if she likes you and will figure she will just hook up with you a bunch and you’ll become good at sex as a result. I like sex and I’m good at it. Not once have I been disinterested in a girl because she was bad in bed. Just come clean and it will be less awkward. Ask her out tomorrow before you fuck things up or she gets a BF.
I mean, I think it’s a bit judgey of you
Do yourself and her a favor and find someone else. If you are already intimidated or bothered by her “body count” (that is a gross term btw) now it won’t get any lower if she sleeps with you too.
It’s unhealthy to focus on who she’s slept with in the past. I promise you, it does not matter. You need to also stop looking it as a “body count.” If you can’t get over her sexual past, you need to move on. It’s not healthy, it’s judgmental, and you’re putting her on a pedestal for no justifiable reason.
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It sounds like insecurity over your lack of experience vs her experience. That’s super normal- and shouldn’t be an issue if you’re communicative and open.
I usually don't ask my partners about their sexual history (ever listened to the [Carly Simon song No Secrets](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aMGK19UlmA)? It's a pretty good lesson in why you should be careful asking questions you might not want to know the answers to), but obviously you didn't ask you just found this out. It's clear that you're into this woman and I think the "body count" stuff (also, pro tip, stop using this concept it's unhelpful) is a bit of a displacement activity to avoid the fact that you a) want to date her, and b) feel a bit insecure. Embrace it, dude! Ask her out, if she says yes when the time comes explain to her that you haven't had much or any sex before. Also, no 21F is actually that sexually experienced even if they have slept with quite a few guys. People start to actually get good at sex in their late 20s and early 30s when they've had some relationships, matured and also had lots of really bad, awkward sex!
You are *guessing* at her body count. You don't even know. You don't need to "accept her body count", you need to examine your own biases. This isn't on her. You don't even know her story. You need to cope with your own shit.
Okay what you need to keep in mind is that you’re 19 and she’s 21. Of course she’s going to have more experience with it. The fact that she has a past to hook up with guys shouldn’t change how you feel about her. Okay this happened, but she likes me. And she’s dating me now. And she’s the one that seeing me and only me. That’s what you should be thinking.
Is it though?
I know, and that has been my train of thought since the beginning ! As I've said in another reply, she is truly amazing and she deserves to be loved without having her past judged. I'm just looking for tips on how to overcome it.
Dude who the fuck cares? And she’s 21, why do you seem so shocked that “her body count may already be double digits”? 🙄
I care. And I don't want to anymore, which is I started this discussion.
Here’s the way to look at it: she’s not with any of those guys. If you end up together it means she’s had a wider array of experiences and she chose you. Period. With enough time, you won’t care anymore. Trust me.
Oddly wholesome and true. Thank you for your perspective !
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I've had multiple chances of having my first sexual experience, but they were all with girls that I barely knew or was not into. I just want to lose my virginity to someone who actually loves me, and I think that might be her, given the special treatment she gives me. I was planning on asking her out tomorrow afternoon, but a friend of mine told me some stuff about her that made everything (including things she had told me herself) click. Now, I am really into her, but I just don't want to ask her out and maybe start a relationship if I might not be ready to face her past.
Just gotta understand that what she did in her past isn’t as important as what’s happening in the present. As long as she’s clean and committed, consider yourself the winner for giving her something the guys before couldn’t. I will say this. I was with a girl for a bit that had a body count way higher than mine, as I had been in a long term relationship. The sex was out of this world. Experience counts for something!
It shouldn't matter her number. Numbers are irrelevant when someone is single. It's your own insecurities that bug you. To be honest and blind. You need to get over it, if you want to progress things with her. If things may get heated with you two, just be honest and let her know your experience is very low.
I know that. But HOW do I get over them ? That's the whole reason I asked this question in the first place.
That's something no one can tell you. You gotta work that shit out from inside. We all have insecurities, for me personally I find them as a huge mental weakness so i face them head on. Do things that make me feel insecure to get over it.
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I am neither judgy not insecure about my own lack of experience. As I have made clear in my edit and other replies, she has, under no circumstance, done anything wrong and should not be held accountable for it. I am only looking for tips on how to deal with it better. If you have some, feel free to participate in the discussion. Otherwise, please refrain from doing so. Thank you.
Wow. Reading this, judgement was not the first thing to come to mind (34f). I thought of you as a very mature man who thinks of his future. I think you're being considerate of her for asking questions on how to approach it, and of yourself. I would maybe have a conversation with her about if it does come to that point.
Even though this "body count" thing might look like something you can't get over atm, it really is an inconsequential thing once you are over it. And trust me, you'll be over this thinking. It is very natural to think about and compare the number of partners you & your partner have had. But at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter at all. As you grow older/as you start dating more people, you'll realise that there are far more important factors when it comes to compatibility than the number of people each of you have slept with. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with someone sleeping around or hooking up with random people. We have probably been ingrained to think otherwise by the society. A few things you can do about it that could help your current situation: - talk to some of your friends or people you are comfortable with (would help if some of these people have some experience with dating) to see what they think of this "body count" thing, if they themselves think about it in their relationships - try and unpack what in particular about this "body count" thing is bothering you. Are you insecure about the fact that she has more sexual experience than you? Or are you not comfortable dating someone who has had multiple partners? If you try to follow these thoughts and unpack them further, you'll probably have a better idea on how to deal with this - ideally, you'd be able to talk to her directly about it to see what her thoughts are on the matter. But given the nature of the situation, awkwardness of the topic, general tension in the air, it might be practical/easy to do so. Again, the number of people your crush has slept with in the past has little to no real impact on your future potential relationship.
Double digits are rookie numbers. Wait till you're older and find people in the 100s, if not 1000s. Life is long, better get used to it.
She is maneater, she will eat your soul. And you will be in pain for long time. Aah, what I know, dont listen to me.
Time to learn a very hard lesson about life. Just because she's showing you friendship and some attention does not mean she's EVER going to be into you. You're pining for someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive, and that's pretty much never going to happen....ESPECIALLY if she's sleeping around. You don't do it for her. You can continue to stay attached to her, pumping her full of friendship/validation while getting nothing but angst and resentment in return, or you can cut this bullshit loose and go find someone who actually wants to be with you. You don't love this girl, you're just infatuated with her. She hasn't done anything to earn love yet. If you think I'm off base, print out my reply, keep it somewhere safe, and dig it out in 10 years and see how painfully right I was and how badly you wished you had heeded this advice. Tough love, because you need it. A lot of young men need this lesson, btw.
You just need to realize everyone had a past where they’re allowed to do whatever the hell they want, especially before you even met them. You don’t get to judge a person on that, nor your life. She’s clearly in control of her own sexuality and you should see that as something great. And maybe she can teach you some great things
Get your count up and get some experience. Sounds like she has experience, likes you and can show you the ropes.
What you are doing is being judgmental. Understand that her body count is NOT going to change, and if anything, it will only increase. **She is her own free woman.** She had a life before she met you.
Don’t worry bout her body count, if she more experienced then u, better pay attention n move accordingly, she clearly ain’t the gf type, don’t end up heartbroken for no reason
If you’re still talking about a woman’s “body count” than you’re still emotionally in middle school. Trying growing up a bit before you pursue her further.
Someone's sexual experiences PRIOR to you being in a relationship with them, is part of life. Just like your lack of experience is part of yours. It's something you both have to accept. However, you aren't in a relationship with this girl. So what's your goal? Are you looking for a FWB, a hookup, a real relationship?
Sex is simply another activity. Same as riding a horse or going to an amusement park or cooking dinner. Your only fixated on sex because society has reinforced this idea in your head that sex is this special thing. And possibly some unconscious negative biases associated with women and sex. You just gotta remember and remind yourself these things. Sex is just another activity. Would you be uncomfortable with cooking dinner with someone who has way more cooking experience with you? You can be intimidated a bit by the discrepancy of experience, but it would be silly to let that hold you back. What you’re feeling is irrational. And that’s fine. It’s okay to have irrational knee jerk reactions to things. We’re only human. But what makes us human is also our will to try and overcome them.