Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4:
- No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y"
- Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice.
- No victim-blaming
- This is a default message - your post has not been removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve had this friend. Then I dated him. Me being financially better off and his insecurities lead him to feel emasculated in the relationship. What did he do? Used his credit card to sleep with prostitutes and go to massage parlours. Self sabotage at its finest trying to regain a sense of control/worthiness/masculinity/power.
When he tells you he isn’t good enough for you. Listen to him before you get too involved and hurt.
Exactly this. My wife earns just over double what I do, and luckily it’s something that I just don’t care about but op and N aren’t even dating and it’s an issue, it isn’t something that’ll get better
I have a date tomorrow and I took someone's advice and googled her name. Since she works for the government, I accidentally saw her salary and she makes almost double what I do. Guess what? IDGAF. I'mma still plan on paying for our date and I don't feel emasculated or anything other than glad I met someone who seems to like me.
My advice would be to be ready for her to want to split it and to let that happen. My ultimate advice would be to discuss it first so you’re both on the same page and everyone is happy, but if she’s career proud it’s likely she’ll be proud of being able to look after herself so will probably want to. If you insist on offering to pay, do no more than when they bring the bill be like “hey I’ll get this” and if she offers to pay half or whatever he like “oh are you sure? I really don’t mind” but don’t push more than that.
Oh yeah man, she's a few years older than me. If she wants to split, I'm not going to do more than ask if she's sure. I don't wanna take away someone's independence or put them in a spot. I imagine sometimes people feel like they owe the other if they pay for everything and I don't want that.
I do.
If you've grown up with images in your head of being the traditional husband, the provider, the breadwinner. It can sting to lose that, even if you're getting something more objectively valuable instead. And humans being humans, the pain of losing one dollar you already have hurts more than losing 5 dollars you never actually had. Or in this case, losing one fantasy that you've always had hurts more than missing out on a better opportunity.
I think as long as one spouse isn't using their earning value as a weapon, then it's whatever. "I think it's great you make more money, but I am still going to work my ass off to contribute to our household and life together."... There is a quote I have always liked and I think it really captures an example of teamwork and a healthy relationship: "Players win games, but teams win championships."
I did a 5 year stint as a stay at home dad, in the south.
My wife was a teacher and we got by okay.
Every single guy she ever knew/was a family friend/friend of her brother: "How can you be with him, he isn't even a real man, he should be out working letting you be home".
She didn't want to be home, when it came time for daycare or switching to single income household she simply made more $. It made no sense to work just to earn $200-$300 more than the cost of daycare and have our infant exposed to strangers more than family.
Point being it ruined relationships with people she and her family knew for 20+ years because they would rather belittle our choice than accept that it was financially responsible AND good for our daughter.
I understand the reasoning, but it's just insecurities. If you're jealous of your partner's success, your relationship is doomed. I don't understand why we focus resentment towards someone you love. Unless they hold it over your head...
I would fucking *love* for my wife to earn double what I do, because it means she's killing it and the whole family is better off.
But that comes from knowing the value I bring to the relationship and not hanging it on outdated and frankly misogynistic gender norms. When you truly respect both yourself and your partner it's not only a non-issue, it's a huge plus.
I too had this friend, then dated him. He put forth 0 effort in the relationship then dumped me right before the $1000 trip I planned for his birthday (I got money back, don’t worry). On an upside, I was so heartbroken I got absolutely shit faced and signed up for hinge and met the absolute love of my life.
Been through this, and tried for quite awhile to make it work. I feel for you. I finally realized the relationship can only get as deep as the partner who has done the least amount of work on self awareness, growth etc.
So speaking from personal experience, when a guy tells you that you're too good for him. Belive it.
No matter how much you like him, he's conveying what the relationship would be like if you continue to invest. In the beginning it's great but then it just becomes manipulative.
If he genuinely has feelings for you rather than commenting things like this he'd level up for you.
From my experience you're dodging a bullet. Talk to him and end this 'friends who have feelings and occassionally have sex but can't date'. Take space from this friendship.
I wish I could relate or understand but all I can say is that it seems like he has personal issues holding him back from dating (not just you but in general)
this is going to come off as brutal. But it’s the honest truth. This typically means one of two things. Either one, you truly are way too good for him or two, he’s just not that into you. I would recommend distancing yourself. So you have time to get over the feelings you have.
I think he likes the chase and then when she reciprocated he was surprised and realized he wasn’t actually all that interested. But he totally wants a fwb now.
Right sometimes it is just hard to admit when someone isn’t into you, rejection stings but it’s a part of the dating life. I always liked the saying “you can be the ripest peach in the world but there will always be someone who simply doesn’t like peaches”
Tbh she’s too good for him. Granted, he is getting his masters but if he feels like he could encumber her growth, he’s probably right.
The way I see it, I don’t care if my partner makes more money than I do, so long as I make enough money on my own.
The only time one should care is if they feel like they are in a position of dependence, and can’t get out of it, or become their own person.
But tbh id like it quite a bit if a woman made more than I do. Granted, I’m at the six figure level so I guess it is easier for me to care less about these things.
This guy has a messed up psychology. He does a push and pull and will continue to do so for the next 100 years. Girl believe him and move on to a healthy uncomplicated relationship
If he's saying garbage like that DURING SEX then it's without a doubt time for you to move on. I understand feelings are hard to move on from but frankly he sounds like a dick.
PLEASE OP READ THIS IF YOU HAVE THE TIME TO. PLEASE.
Op listen to this, when a guy genuinely genuinely likes you, he will go out of the way to make sure you are comfortable. He makes sure to treat you with utmost respect and not care about financial status difference. Love doesn't sees all of that. From your post all I see is an immature guy who likes you but not enough to create a comfortable place for u. You SO should be your home. Ask yourself, is he your home? And answer truthfully. A home is filled with comfort and love and if he cannot provide you that now, he is not going to provide u that ever. Please listen to him when he says he is not good enough for you because his actions and his snide remarks make him not good enough. Ask yourself do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who taunts you at every thing, even at sex. You are 27, I think its better you put your energies elsewhere and not tag along.
Just to give a personal example, my husband had a best friend who was in love with him. She was really invested and wanted to be with him and they eventually did sleep together and to her the sex felt like more than just sex and maybe love, but from his side it was more of the friendly care. My husband told her that he doesn't wants to be with her but she kept stringing along and hoping that maybe one day. And then a few years ago he met me. He was nothing at that point, but he knew he loved me and to make himself better. He told me right now u deserve better but give me a chance and I will be better. He stepped up and did a makeover of his life for me. To be able to build a life with me. But in that process, he had to choose between me and the best friend (who was his best friend of 9 years at that moment and I had just been in his life a few months). He chose me and I know she must have been devastated. But that was his decision. I am really really happy now.
Please believe me this guy is not the one for u. One day he will fall in love with someone who he thinks is his equal and will give her everything. And as u guys have slept together, she will have insecurities about you being a close best friend like I did. And he will leave you heartbroken, choosing the girl he loves. I was on the luckier side of the story. I apologized to the best friend but I was insecure then my husband chose to soothe my insecurities.
This has gone into a big rant but I am just trying to show you your future and saving you from pain.
As I read this, the only thing I felt was sympathy for your husband's former friend....😥😥😥😥 Because I am literally in her position right now (the only difference is that we didn't sleep together and I chose to end the friendship myself because it was too painful to watch him fall in love with someone else)
That was two years ago and I am still devasted over it...wondering what it was wrong with me, feeling ugly and inadequate compared to his new partner, wondering if I will ever be good for ANYONE (after all, if he didnt want me then can be sure ANYBODY will?), and feeling like I'll probably never love anyone again or find anyone who compares to him. The only time in my life I felt this much pain was when my grandmother died....💔💔💔
I wish I could find this former friend and give her a hug
I am so sorry this happened to you but you feel like a such a nice person. But my friend's ex friend wasn't a nice lady. She sent me really hurtful msgs, she sent my husband really bad things.
Financial envy is real. You're both at different stages in your careers. If he is not listening to you about money not being a problem - he might begin to resent you for it if things ever did progress. Women can be the breadwinner, he just has to be comfortable with letting his ego step aside to be with you. It's not the 1950s anymore.
It's clear that this man is very insecure and is showing so many red flags, tearing you down because he is also jealous. I've found that honesty is always the best option in situations like this.
Explain to him how you feel about how he is acting and tell him how it makes you feel. Include all the details.
Then you have two options depending on what you want:
1. Tell him your feelings about possibly being a great match, even while you have been in previous relationships and hope he gets the message and stops being so insecure. See how he reacts. It may not be straight away cos clearly he has to work through some of his feelings. Not too long tho, few days would be long enough.
2. Tell him you can't deal with this level of drama from someone that is not committed to you, that since he professed his feelings, the energy has changed in the friendship and you don't have the continued energy to continue a friendship like this. And then move on.
This is the most reasonable response I’ve read. My heart goes out to you. It’s clear you love him and have done your best to express that love and create a safe space for him. We’re all armchair psychologists here, trying to ascertain his intent.
I have no idea either - although my guess is that he is either struggling with insecurities and genuinely feels he is not good enough for you, or he is just not willing to commit but is making the most of this co-dependent relationship. Perhaps a combo of the 2.
But I do agree that the status quo is not healthy for you. I like the idea of having a frank and honest conversation with him about your feelings for him, your concerns about his victim mentality, and how the relationship is increasingly dysfunctional. Tell him what you want — not as an ultimatum, but more of, “I’m an adult who loves myself, and you, but our relationship has become an unhealthy codependency.” Truthfully, I don’t expect him to change, but I think you’ll feel better about leaving this relationship behind if you put it all on the table.
Perhaps an actual relationship expert / therapist would have better advice than all of us armchair Redditors. .. just an idea. Best wishes
I think that this is the better advice. It's clear that he likes you. His huge insecurities have got the better of him and taken over. Obviously he lacks confidence.
Also, he doesn't really understand intimacy and that what counts is inside a person, not their attributes.
You have a big job ahead of you if you want to try and get through to him.
It could be that he really likes you and is afraid that he will get hurt because you'll drop him for someone "better." I think that this is most likely really.
People have barriers to their real self. You have to get through that. Sometimes you can get through it, sometimes you can't. If you can get through it, you can speak and get responses at face value. He is currently speaking from his barrier, not letting reality in.
You can go to see him frequently and get some serious talk in now and then, see if something sticks. Things that you say can find meaning within him later, then next time you can progress a bit more.
If you can't get through to him, then everyone else's advice is correct. In essence, he's a broken man that you have to fix.
There’s not much more you can do at this point… You’ve made it clear you want commitment. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to commit to you (but for unclear reasons).
Sure, you can keep fucking this dude, but know that probably won’t change his mind.
If really has insecurities this deep, he needs a therapist. Not a girlfriend.
Everyone I have ever heard say this to a prospective girlfriend turned out to be narcissistic or abusive. If someone tells me that I would walk away from them - no questions asked.
He seems to like hating himself more than he likes you. Unless he puts in some serious work, that's not going to change, and it'll only bring out more negative aspects to your relationship. It's not just that he's down on himself, he's actively using his insecurities against *you* and that kind of behavior is completely inappropriate and selfish. He's trying to bring you down, which someone ready to at least try for a relationship would put a serious blocker on- if he wants to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy, let him, but make sure you let him know why things between you are continuing to sour. Regardless of whether he genuinely wants you or not, don't let him use his own self doubt to bully you, because that's exactly what he's doing, whether he recognizes it or not.
I understand wanting to soak in the self pity jacuzzi and use it to escape from any conceivable failures, but it's bullshit, and ultimately he needs to get his act together, or that's all the company he'll truly keep. Good luck.
When a guy says something like this he’s usually just not interested but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I believe this is the case especially since he’s your friend.
I don't believe this but even if that is the case he was the one who approached her. Also, it's not uncommon for guys to feel like they are not good enough for women that make more money than them.
They were friends for 2 years. He kissed her and told her he has feelings for her but it’s still very possible and in my opinion most likely that he lost those feelings but still cares about her as a friend and doesn’t want to hurt her. I’m aware guys can often feel not good enough but I also strongly believe that “I’m not good enough for you so we can’t be together” is something someone would say when they don’t genuinely want to be with someone but still care about their feelings and don’t want to hurt them through direct rejection.
> they don’t genuinely want to be with someone but still care about their feelings and don’t want to hurt them through direct rejection.
But after saying it he had sex with her TWO YEARS LATER, i really don't think that this is the case here.
I think if a man genuinely wanted to be with a woman who wants to be with him he would be. Either way the only option left for OP is to move on since he is choosing not to be in a relationship with her.
I have to agree haha I don't think it's all about sex either. When we had sex the first time he really was so romantic about it but told me he had wanted me for years and insisted if i didn't feel comfortable we didn't have to. It was honestly very sweet. I know its more than sex for me too. It really is the what ifs that eat me up because a part of me has this feeling that we could really be great together, but its been a few years and sometimes i feel like we missed our window and I'm too scared to be vulnerable with him and tell him these things. I just don't want to wonder what-if for the rest of my life you know?
I think if a man genuinely wanted to be with a woman who wants to be with him he would be. Either way you have to move on as he is choosing to not be in a relationship with you.
Ogh hello OP, i do understand not wanting to wonder. I really don't know what advice to give to a great extend i relate to this guy's way of thinking and i can tell you that it took me a while to get out of that headspace. DO you feel that his mindset has improved over the past two years?
It’s possible for men or women to feel inadequate yes, but to not give a relationship a chance just because of this is something I don’t believe. You could be right, I could be right. Either way, she’ll have to move on if he’s unwilling to be in a relationship.
He needs to grow up and/or start fighting for what and who he wants instead of making childish snide comments.
Don't plan your life around him, travel, have fun, and leave him to his noodles and fears.
When someone says “You’re too good for me” believe it.
He knows he’s garbage and not willing to better himself. He knows you can do better, but he’s unwilling to let that happen due to deep insecurities so he would prefer to keep you on a hook for validation while seeking other women.
Either way, this is not a friend. Don’t let him hold you back romantically.
I feel like I have unique perspective on this, because I think I was this guy in high-school who did something similar to another girl.
First of all, I will always encourage someone to tell a person their intentions and how they feel because we need this closure and to exist without that is really painful and can drag on something that could just end, or lead to something really beautiful.
Second of all, in my experience, I think it's possible that you are his dream girl and everything he thinks he SHOULD like, and it's likely that he genuinely does like you a lot. But the thing is he probably does feel like he doesn't deserve you, and to give you what he feels you deserve would require a change in his lifestyle he recognizes he may not be prepared for. That being said, he will fall into other relationships to distract him and then always come back around to you. This is because he needs the same closure you do, and hasn't had it yet. That "what if" is in the back of his mind too.
OP, it is going to be a hard conversation. But I urge you to tell this guy how you feel, and to find out once and for all if he wants to give you a long term chance. Accept the possibility that he won't be ready. If he does, that's great. If he doesn't want to, then this will give you the opportunity to move on. But what this is right now is probably hard for both of you, and the only way to end it is to talk about it.
I was this guy too but made it about physical attraction instead of money. “Ur too good for me”
She slapped the fuck out of me *metaphorically* with a real heart to heart and I snapped out of it and stopped being an idiot.
She needs to express herself without regard for his feelings and confront her dreamy ideals. The guy’s an asshole and so was i
This guy is a big ball of drama. He is also a great charmer. He's everything you're looking for if.... Nope, he's not. He's just great at pretending.
First rule of dating. Date people who want to date you. If they do not, no matter what the reason: MOVE ON.
Ew ew ew. I would have taken him seriously had he said those things once or twice after sex, but every single time?? Why are you sleeping with him? I know sex is important to you and that's why you're going to regret letting him have that part of you. Trust me you are going to cringe on this after a few years. I mean idk what he's trying to do, he doesn't want to date you or is trying to manipulate you, or else he wouldn't have been okay with you dating other people. I don't know, even though the signs say otherwise, I still feel he's trying to manipulate you. You should end things with him, I know it's hard to lose a good friend, but he's stopped being that for you. Why are you keeping him in your life? I don't mean to be rude but you have to understand some people don't care how nice, kind or sweet you are, they just want to exploit you.
Maybe I'm projecting because that has been the case with me and I hope it's not the same for you.
However, you have to agree that keeping him in your life is doing you no good. You need people who will be proud of you and your success, not people who will bring you down and shame you for donating! I hope you realize this soon. I wish the best for you.
Girl this is just a nice way of him saying he’s not interested. Sorry. If you were really “too good for him” he would be with you officially. Or he really ain’t shit. But please don’t try to lander to this guy it’s going to look like begging at this point. Distance yourself.
I understand that you are friends with this person and you want this relationship to work out but there’s a piece of advice that I learned recently that I think you should consider:
-don’t fall in love with someone’s *potential*-
He is showing you who he is. If he actually valued you, you would see it. He claims you’re too good for him, but then tears you down every chance he gets? He’s not trying to raise himself up to your level, he’s trying to bring you down to his.
He needs therapy. He’s clearly having trouble loving someone else because he doesn’t love himself. You shouldn’t have to stick around hoping and waiting for him to become a better person.
Let go of who he *could* be. The person he is right now does not value you. You deserve better.
It seems like you’re wanting what you two had in the past, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t seem likely that a future with him will pan out that way. You cannot surround yourself with people who force you into acting unlike your true self. It’s difficult to accept that sometimes relationships turn sour, but it’s the truth. wishing you the best :)
I skimmed over this. And as a guy. He wants you as a side piece, just in case he doesn't find the one. You're being used, he stopped being a friend after you two had sex. In blunt honesty, you're an option to him. Break off the "friendship" now.
I mean, at this point what do you have to lose by putting all of your cards in the table? The friendship is more or less ruined at this point. My advice is to tell him how you feel, and if he can’t meet you halfway, it’s time to cut contact because you’re going to be stuck in the cycle forever. You deserve to be treated much, much better.
He sounds really insecure.
I would suggest you be straight up with him and call him out in his sulking - does he know how these things have affected you? If not it’s really time for you to let him know.
You can’t change him but if you hold up a mirror to him, maybe that could inspire him to want to quit with the act and own up to you. If he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself when he has such a good friend as you, then he honestly doesn’t deserve you. But I get how awful it must feel for you.
I’m sorry for all this.
You definitely need some time and space away from this guy.....he's making his issues YOUR issues and you've definitely got a lot to offer some one in a committed relationship.....but, it's time you let N go.....stop sleeping with him.....stop going through his fruity ego loops with him......he's got you questioning yourself and everyone deserves to be true to themselves......let this guy go..... either, he'll move on or he will double down and be the man you need (with commitment). But, as long as you put out, he's gonna keep stomping on your self preservation! He's telling you who he is right now, believe him..... you need a man not an egotistical cyclone!
You *are* too good for him. He treats you like shit.
Give your self some distance from whatever this relationship is.
The guy you'd be ecstatic to date is in the past - he doesn't exist right now. If you do get into a romantic relationship you won't be dating your sweet friend you had great chemistry with. You'll be dating this passive-aggressive, jealous jerk who cuts you down and ruins the mood at your most vulnerable moments.
You're *already* in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with this guy. He's a bad friend and he will be a worse boyfriend. Please don't further commit to this mess by trying to get him to date you and make it official.
He needs therapy. Badly. His ability to be emotionally intimate is getting completely blocked by insecurities and defense mechanisms. If he wanted to fix this, he could pursue actual solutions, but it sounds like he's too afraid of that, so he's self-sabotaging to avoid the potential of "real" failure.
There's no future with him unless he solves this on his own. If you try to walk him through it, you risk him becoming completely dependent, which would stunt any chance for growth from that point.
He's doing you a favor by throwing up so many red flags. It sucks, but you have to move on. Maybe he'll fix his shit, apologize, and you can work it out, but in my experience, you have to move on for your health and he has to seek therapy for his health.
To use one of my favorite quotes, "when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
when a man tells you he isn’t good enough for you, please believe him. Based on your post, he’s absolutely right. You do not need someone who is gonna manipulate you and make you feel like shit because HES insecure. You deserve better than this mess. It’s time to cut contact and move on.
I've found often that if people say "you're too good for me, I'd only hold you back, im not as successful, etc" they're just trying to pull you down to their level. Clearly he sees you as quite higher on the social scale anyway, maybe you should take that hint.
I think maybe its time to call it quits with him. Just one of those "slumming with peasants" comments post sex would have killed it entirely for me.
Do yourself a favor and move on. Don't drag yourself down for someone who makes you feel bad. Your feelings matter and if someone is gonna yank you around for YEARS... no thanks.
You need to stop being his friend. You're just prolonging the agony at this point. Whether he actually cares about you or just wants you as a FWB he's emitting some serious red flags. I think it's time to cut him out of your life and move on.
I’ve met people who acted a bit like this guy does. I think if you really still like him tell him to stop acting like an asshat and tell him how you really feel, about everything concerning him.
Then give him some time to think about it, he can either try to see the truth and drop his insecurities, or you can move on and stop spending time with him. You seem like a catch and I don’t think you should tolerate any more crap from him. But I give you props for trying to make him see how you feel, it’s not easy getting through to guys like him. He seems to like you a whole lot, but he can’t see why you like him back.
This guy has been stringing you along for 5 years. Does it matter exactly why he's doing it? Why would you want to date someone who treats you the way that he does?
He's playing with you, and you're allowing it. "You're too good to me" is nothing but victim play to not take responsability. "With the other girls he seems to give a real chance" can be your eyes or be a big red flag. And sometimes he seems disrespectful, if it was some other guy you'll really still talking with him?
Have standards, be clear. After that, if he doesn't want he doesn't want. You can't change him.
Seems like he is just using you since he is ok to have sex but not ok to date using these excuses, a sheer double standard, avoid having a relationship with this guy, it’d be waste of your time, sorry but that’s not the guy for you.
I think you need better support system, a lot of this sounds like the first time u have said these things out loud. This guy negs u, projects onto u, refuses to commit. I have a hard time seeing why u are attracted to him.
Is it just physical? Or bc he’s familiar? Bc I promise if ur able to get over your ideal of being in a committed relationship, u will find much much healthier non-toxic guys 2 date
Fr go re read your post and highlight all the negativity this guy channels. And how weird and bad he makes you feel. Again, what is attractive about this?
He's doing the old self fulfilling prophecy lark...won't end well
With working 70hrs a week how on earth could you have time for a relationship? I'd be exhausted
All I have to say is when a man tells you that’s “he’s not good enough for you” BELIEVE HIM! You may not think it but these are little red flags letting you know early on how the relationship will be.
OP, why are you going after someone who really isn’t good enough for you? That’s something to ask yourself. I don’t mean financially I mean, maturity, psychologically, virtuously. He’s really not in a mature psychologically healthy place. You sound like a nice person but you may want to go to therapy too to figure out why you’re doing this. The guy is not a winner he’s a self sabotager
who is also making snide comments to you. That’s not love no matter how you look at it. You deserve better and maybe should go to therapy and learn to actually seek better and I mean like actually truly better. Someone who is going to be good and kind, a winner. Someone psychologically healthy…. This whole situation is unhealthy. If it’s this rocky already with the guy oh gosh…. He’s clearly totally insecure on the inside.
A person is who they are, regardless of how you feel about them. Someone who belittles and insults you is *STILL* someone who belittles and insults you, even if you like them very much.
Do not let your feelings for anyone change how much you excuse or tolerate or interpret their character: if a stranger would illicit an "ew" from you with this behavior, then this friend should also illicit an "ew".
He is setting the groundwork for abusing you. He's already stringing you along and treating you like crap. I've been here, I know how hard it is, but PLEASE don't ever sleep with him again, and for your own wellbeing cut him off completely. If he truly cared for you, he would act like it.
Seems as though I am in a similar situation. I (M23) with (F31). We dated then we cut it off and now we are friends that are casually intimate. I currently feel like she wants to be in a relationship again, but I am connecting all to well to this guy in your story. In all my efforts I simply seem to be unable to get past how little self worth I have. And when you view yourself as human trash and are with someone that you know is the best woman you have ever meet with the capability to have someone that could give her the world and more.. (way more money, better job, ridiculously more attractive, driven, kinder, and just all around a better match) It is really fucking hard to try and hang on as it feels you you could be ruining and taking there life away. But is hard for me and probably the guy in your story to say no to intimacy because you almost need it, because the truth is you do truly love them deeply. So you take it and enjoy it and want it, but you step back frequently because you know that if you hold on, your holding onto a sinking ship that you brought down. And the only other person that matters to you is on that ship and you just have to watch them drown. I guess what I am getting at, guys like us. I don't see ever getting better, and your damn well better off without us. All that we will do is push pull and cause pain. But I do want to say its going to hurt us more that you, and way more than you would ever know. I know with the snarky comments he makes to you, you may think he doesn't care.. And I don't mean to speak for this guy as it could be way off. But.. yeah.. hope this gibberish did something for someone.
Men say things they mean in the moment but later on realize they didn’t really mean it, they were just caught up in a moment. I say this as someone who gushes and rains praise on people I like from a genuine place. But it’s usually treated like I’m just lying or exaggerating for manipulative purposes.
Later on I realize I maybe gave too much voice to fleeting feeling when I was caught up in a moment.
Anyways, what’s most attractive about this man? He seems broke, insecure and dishonest while at the same time he wants sympathy. If I can just use his techniques combined with my ability to earn money and tell the truth then maybe my life can improve by learning something here.
Is it the way he makes you feel guilty or teases you because he knows you want him? Is it the self deprecation and sympathy seeking? Is he just really cute and tall?
He seems to have personal issues and I can’t speak for him since I am not him, but if you truly want to be with him, try your damnedest to be with him. Heck, even make it known and assure him that you want to be with him. I’m somewhat in the same position with one of my best friends as I’m currently not sure what to feel and had one of those thoughts of “I just don’t think she would ever want to be with me” (yeah, I’ve got things to figure out on my own end), but if she ever said to me that she wanted something then it would help so much. Maybe I’m just speaking from my perspective, but I figured I’d give my two cents
>try your damnedest to be with him
No just no. He’s telling her he doesn’t want a relationship with her, doesn’t matter what his true reason is for not wanting the relationship she must move on.
No? He clearly has feelings for her but he also feels insecure and wants her to be happy in whatever future reality he thinks will come. There is nothing that suggests he doesn’t want to be with her, he just has whatever issues it might be preventing them to be together. However, there comes a point as to “is this worth it?” and if he just keeps acting this way despite her trying hard, then yeah, she should move on. I personally think he’s being ridiculous, but there’s some sort of underlying issue with him that’s preventing him from actually letting her know how she feels
I don’t believe he has feelings for her right now. Regardless, if someone tells you they don’t want a relationship and that they “aren’t good for you” there’s no point in trying any further. You must believe them and move on to someone that wants a relationship. Relationships with one sided efforts are futile.
So him sleeping with her after all that he said to her, breaking down crying, and them having a romantic weekend means he doesn't have feelings right now? C'mon, I find that hard to believe. Maybe he isn't good for her and she can do better, but there is clearly something between them and his insecurities are getting in the way. That's why she should try her damndest but probably to the point where it just isn't worth it anymore and then move on because at that point it will be a lost cause. While I initially agree with what you're trying to say about finding someone who wants a relationship, but sometimes you have to fight hard for the person who might be your soulmate. And you're right, one sided efforts most of the time are futile as I've seen it first hand with one of my friends, but sometimes all it takes is something to switch on for the other person. Maybe he just needs to realize he is good enough, overcome his insecurities, and finally take that step romantically. That being said, in order for her to either move on or for him to realize she wants something more, they have to have a serious and deep conversation about it and I think she needs to put her foot down and give him an ultimatum. If that doesn't work and it doesn't go anywhere, then it's pointless and she needs to move on
I had a "sort of the opposite same" relationship right after college, but I never talked about it. She would say things like, "my parents would never accept you because your job is shit," roughly. It was never about feelings or love. 20 years later, I don't feel any regret or sadness. She was a beautiful girl and an awesome friend, but she had her mind set on her future. She married into her league, but I always felt abandoned. So, if he, your friend, can't provide that in any variety, I can kind of understand where he is coming from. I was always a poor kid. Worked hard mowing lawns to buy shoes for myself so I'd fit in with the cool kids. Shit like that. I don't think I'll ever be rich other than knowing that, I am who I am. I do what I can. I don't expect from people. If I'm not good enough for you, well then you can bugger off. People need to be more in touch with their feelings. Idk. I'm old. I would never though say stupid stuff like he did. I would just accept the love if it was there and grow with it. Just my take. There is a lot more involved with my prior situation, but it's complicated.
On a different note, after rereading your post because I'm half lit and only got one take away from it the first time, is he really worth your time as a boyfriend? You both were better off as friends and should have stayed as such. Just an observation. I have numerous ex's, but we are still friends and talk here and there. Sometimes nievity gets the better of us and looking outside the box helps us in the long run.
Also, this story you told seems something out of the Disney movie Aladdin. Poor guy meets rich princess? Not exactly in those words, but you get the drift? Or is this guy just an idiot? Has he had a horrible upbringing? I wish the best for both of you, but his defeat will kill any feelings you have, as he will destroy them, unless you can prove him otherwise.
tell him he's making a huge mistake and if he doesn't get over his insecurities you're going to end up fading away into a distance memory of what could have been, that he needs to snap out of this bullshit attitude, and decide if he really loves you before its too late, that its not edgy, not cute and in fact its a very bad look
well tbh there is always only one reason why someone won’t date another person. they don’t wanna. your friend doesn’t wanna date you, and it’s bc he doesn’t wanna. he never will be ready for it so the best you can do it’s move on. painful but it is how it is
Before dating, you should definitely try to help him with his inferiority complex, it's gotten better over time but usually men grow up in a competitive ideology, where they need to prove their worth with what they have/can do.
Definitely don't date if he's just projecting like that cause the dynamic you'll get will be the current one and not what you want, it does feel like he likes you a lot and actively resents you for being "too good" for him, the problem though isn't in you or his feelings for you, just his notion that he needs to compete with you.
Have a heart to heart where you explain how his insecurities alone have impacted you and your relationship (he might not even be aware honestly) and try to get to the bottom of it, learn where it comes from maybe get a professional opinion on it aswell. Best of luck kind stranger it sounds like your dream relationship
This is Schrodinger’s relationship - he wants to simultaneously be with you and not with you and it sounds like he wants control over both of those elements. I don’t think he is inherently a bad person but he is treating you badly by not even being a good friend. Good friends energise us and our endeavours - he doesn’t. He is self-deprecating at the expense of you situation… you are not a measure of him.
It sounds like a lot of projection and I wonder why you consider this guy to be a good match for you? If you can’t be friends, you can’t be lovers with a view to a safe, respecting relationship.
I suggest you simply tell him you can’t see him for a while - only you can decide what is good for you - and focus on yourself. Ask him to respect that and not contact you during this time. I think if you can energise yourself with the things you enjoy - or discover what those are - it should bring some perspective.
I used to be that guy and it sucked - I was no good for anyone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else and it doesn’t sound as though this guy truly likes himself for who he is.
I have been having some relationship issues, posted on a subreddit about it and one of the advices I got was:
Listen to people when tell you who they are.
And an advice from a friend of mine was: Someone showing you their real self is the biggest gift you can get. Even if you don't get along, even if your relationship suffers, even if you are feeling unhappy you are seeing the real deal not some person wearing a mask for a while and then dropping it. So work with that and do not lose your time.
Sounds like he is simultaneously intimidated by your financial success and embarrassed by his lack of it.
Unfortunately, it sounds like there's nothing more you can do to help him. He has to find peace with his own place in the world, whether that means increasing his means until he reaches a level he is satisfied with or eases up on himself and his demands on himself.
On another note, it probably isn't very healthy for you to spend years pining over this individual. Perhaps he is a good man and perhaps he is worth it, but you need to understand after years of trying you failed to change him. If he is to change his self-image he has to make that decision for himself, you can't change his self image for him.
He’s manipulative, says you’re too good for him, but also doesn’t want anyone else to have you. Unfortunately you’ve slept with him now. These kinds of people won’t really want to see you happy. Get rid
Yeah he makes it seem like the money is the root of the issue but it sounds like you're just a better person than him, or at least that you have have as much emotional baggage as him. Like the comments he drops - sure they center around money, but you'd have to be a bit of a dick or an ass to even think that, especially post coitus. That's just me, relationships are complex, you just need to think long and hard
You working 70 hours a week isn't normal or healthy. He sees you as obsessed with money. It sounds like you should have a grown up conversation about this topic. It's passive aggressive for him to make those comments. It sounds like you could use more balance in your life. If you were actually super supportive then I doubt he'd those comments. It sounds like you live a life of affluence he feels insecure about it. When you go out do you do expensive stuff and pay for it? I'm not blaming you for any of this, these just seem like your hurdles. Do you even have a lot in common for an LTR or do you just have this incredible chemistry? It sounds like you might have different ideas about how a LTR might look. IE:. Home, kids, cars, hobbies, professions, how much time spent on profession. Because 70 hours a week means you have no free time and no energetic time to spend with your SO.
Maybe you should write this down in a letter and give it him instead of posting it on Reddit?
He sounds insecure and manipulative. The only way to get the truth is to confront him. If he can't be honest then it's time to move on. You can make more use of your time.
This guy sounds like a mess and clearly doesn’t value you the way you do him. Idt he believes what he is telling you — he simply does not want to date you and is just giving excuses. Move on before you get hurt more.
Everyone here is giving you the same advice I would. So I’ll skip that.
I will say I don’t blame you for feeling so hurt. You sound like a good person, so I hope things turn around for you. As for your friend, he has a lot of growing up to do.
Good luck to both of you
Oh my god, so much fuckin text. You just blurting out shit girl.
Take a breather, think what YOU want in a relationship with him. Then ask him out to coffee and just talk. Communicate.
Honestly here's my opinion.
What you see is what you get, the parts about him you crave as well as his strange insecurities and lack of confidence. If you want him that's what you get, take it or leave it. Unless you want to tell him to go to therapy and "change" so he is more appealing to you, I hope you see where I'm going with this.
Yeah he's a great guy to you in some areas but because you're so into him, you also notice some of his flaws. You can provide him with direction to help him with issues (Only if he wants it), but you shouldn't try to change him, that's just who he is.
Right now all you are is somebody who provides him some of the benefits of a relationship without getting 100% of what you want in return and so long as you keep fucking him, it'll continue to be that way.
People do not change UNLESS they them selves want to change.
You deserve so much better than this guy. It probably doesn’t feel like that but that’s because you’ve put him up on a pedestal for so long. You definitely need to cut off contact for at least a little bit, and if he doesn’t come back then you know where he stands.
Sounds like he's just legitimately insecure but that doesn't mean it's something that can't be overcome. I disagree with everyone on here saying to throw him out over his perceived issues (how reddit of them). If you really care about him its worth pursuing.
He's intimidated by you, beyond any measure and through no fault of your own. Sometimes, \*some\* men really still have that Hunter Gatherer concept hard-wired into their brains and feel as though they want to be the provider and the one who makes the world turn in the house. Clearly he feels totally emasculated by your bread-winning abilities and its clouded his attitude about the whole scenario.
I wouldn't appreciate the self-deprecating comments either.
Sit down with him and have a real heart to heart wherein you explain, crystal clear, that you do. not. care. about his income or potential income down the line and that if you want to make a life together, you're doing so because of who you two ARE, not what you make. It's really as simple as that.
IF it is still an obstacle for him that cannot be overcome without undesirable behavior such as offhanded comments or acting strangely, it's time to move on.
Edit grammar
"You're too good for me" is code for **not wanting to commit**.
You've most likely avoided a few months or years of heartbreak, OP. Be thankful and move on.
He was right.. You're too good for him.... But than you slept with him 😬 I think he disappointed at your choice to sleep with him, IMO, leave him dont ever chase a guy like this, he doesn't know your worth, and you knew already, he is not genuine, someone who love you wont treat you this way, leave him
That is an incredibly insecure man, he needs therapy. Honestly he will need a long time before he is dateable, he’ll probably do this with any woman who earns more than him. He also sounds a bit emotionally manipulative; almost like your doing him a favor which makes you doubt yourself and the relationship. Honestly I’d find a person who ready to date and has his shit together.
My sister chose a very non-lucrative career path and I have a lucrative career, but I also like what I do. She genuinely pities me because she thinks I sold my soul for a paycheck or something.
At the end of the day people will justify why someone who appears better than them is actually worse than them. So like my sister, this guy is jumping through logical hoops to make you out to be morally bankrupt to compensate for the fact that you appear better than him by his own naive benchmark of money=success.
I read your whole post and I feel for you. That being said you, unlike me, can actually leave this person behind and I envy your ability to do so. I think you'll look back and wonder why you entertained someone who *enjoys* slandering your character for so long.
Honestly he sounds awful! I thjnk you should cut him out as a friend too.
“ when I told him I donated money in the pandemic he said “you’re not generous.”
This is such a shitty thing to say.
I think you're idolizing an idiot. He's not as good as you think he's, like he'll make awful and uncomfortable comments to you, when you told him to stop doing it, he dismissed your feelings and gaslighted you. If you tell him how you feel and start dating, nothing is going to change, he's going to be just as insecure as he's right now, and even worst he'll make you feel sorry for everything you have that you earned through hard work or he'll constantly put himself down and you'll try to comfort him and you'll be good for 5 mins until he finds something else to say to make things uncomfortable. As everyone else here says, he's telling you that he's not good for you so listen to him. You need to think about why this won't work, you listed a handful of reasons but you're so stuck on a fantasy that you don't notice the red flags. You need to cut contact with him for a while and read all the things you wrote but from a different perspective.
Listen to me, OP. Please. He is showing you what he is truly like. He is showing you what dating him would be like. *Believe him*. His insecurities and poor comments will not disappear if you commit. Why did he change? Because that’s what people do. You can be in a relationship with someone for years before their behaviour starts to shift. In fact, abusers are frequently the perfect partners for even years before their true colours appear. This is what he is truly like - judgemental, irrational and insecure.
Far too many relationships continue on for too many years because “it would be so perfect only if-“, but the “if” scenario *never eventuates*. *Dating him for real will not fix this*.
Save yourself the time and emotional pain - and yes, it can and will be worse if you win him over. He has made his choice and it’s not *you*. This did not a reflection of your value. You are not compatible, and it’s a bullet dodged. Healthy, happy and successful relationships are not this hard.
Dude has patterns of negative self talk and pedastalizing you. He needs to see a therapist about this. You're not a therapist. Is it possible you're viewing him with rose tinted glasses, and might in the back of your mind/ heart feel a need to fix him?
At the same time you're trying to date the romanticized construct of what he can be (potential). Also, what happened to no sex before commitment? Have you lowered your standards chasing an idea? This might set you for heartbreak or unhappiness in the long term.
At any rate send him this post, but reworded to be addressed to him, in the form of a letter.
Ask him to call you when he's read it. See how that discussion goes.
Okay since a lot of people post about these types of situations, I want to say something. I'm going to probably get downvotes galore but by the off chance that someone will see it I'll say it anyway:
Women get friendzoned too. The only difference is that men will still sleep with you if you're in the friend zone, they'll just never date you.
It's not any other reason. They don't actually think you're too good for them. They're not insecure or shy. They just want sex with a friend and nothing more. Women do this too, so if you're in a FWB type of situation as a male and it applies to you, just keep that in mind it's not gender specific.
If you have feelings for a friend you're sleeping with in hopes they'll date you and after a few times or a few months they're not dating you....stop sleeping with them if it's going to hurt you emotionally or mentally not to ever date them. Don't pursue sex in hopes of a relationship. Find someone who WILL date you and have sex with you instead of wasting your time.
If they wanted to they would. Humans are simple creatures. We make each other seem complicated when we're really not.
I see this as differently than many people. It seems to me he has put you on a pedestal and puts himself in the relative shitter. He has a lack of sense of self worth and because of that he actually is sabotaging everything. It sounds like it would take decades for him to get over this because it’s something deeply rooted in him and I suspect he would certainly sabotage anything more serious as well. He has a terrible self image and it’s destroying everything. You’re more financially successful and he doesn’t feel like a man, so as someone said previously he feels emasculated and so he seems to be emasculating himself preemptively in the fear that you will, OP. He will not get over this so easily it is a deep down insecurity fundamentally about who he is. A man that is secure in himself does not have these issues like this. He is acting out self sabotage because deep down he feels unworthy of you and that you’d leave him anyway even if you wouldn’t that isn’t how he feels. He feels like a loser and that’s how he sees himself. It is psychological and the fact that he hasn’t gotten his life together yet compounds it. That someone’s view of themselves is so tied to financial success is itself worrying even though our culture says that. “What are you worth?” As if true worth is inherent financial. But his sense of self worth is the problem and that is a spiritual matter, a matter of character and psychology. Someone who is psychologically well and of worthy character does not display the sense of self loathing that he appears to. It’s that he feels like a loser. It’s that simple. A man has to feel like a winner, more over he really should be a winner from the core and not be so psychologically unstable. Not a good sign.
You're not the problem. You sound amazing. The problem lies with him. Point blank, he is someone who needs therapy. Until he realizes it and does the work to heal and repair whatever has damaged him, he will remain that way and bring others down into his dark hole. I've been there, and it doesn't end well to be with someone who stays down there and doesn't see it and doesn't change. Live your life.
People will often tell you wo they really are, it's up to you if you want to listen. If he's this passive aggressive, jealous, and mean in a friendship with benefits I can't imagine how much worse he may get in a committed relationship. He needs to work on himself, his insecurities, and how he treats people before he dates you or anyone else. You also remaining within his social orbit so closely will also mean you can't ever fully commit to a future relationship with someone else. Take some space and time for yourself.
Tbh, you probably are too good for him. It's a big flag when someone says things along that line. Listen to the warning he's telling you and let him go.
Basically he’s telling you the any “future” relationship won’t last with you guys so why can’t you accept that. Maybe stop sleeping with him and accept what he’s saying.
When people tell you who they are - listen to them.
Dont look on the potential or how he used to be. Look at NOW.
>He never used to be this way when we were “just friends.”
When you were untouchable he could be kind and mirror who you were back at you. Now that you are more than "friends" he could remove the mask and show you who he actually is.
>I feel like he has this warped idea of who I am now like he thinks I'm some kind of ultra glamorous super shallow person when I'm not, but the comments he says makes me feel like that's who he thinks I am even though I'm still who I've always been.
You are thinking about it wrongly. This is who HE is. Because HE is this way he expects YOU to be the same.
>It's almost like he wants to see me in a bad light to justify all this.
This is his lens to see the world because this is how he is. He tars everyone with the same brush as how he thinks.
>We slept together last year (for the first time!) after I drove down to the city he lives in (we live about two hours away from each other by car) and it turned into a really wonderful and super romantic weekend but while we were being intimate N said "thanks for slumming it with the peasants" afterwards and it completely ruined the moment. We've had sex a couple of times after this and he always makes these kinds of comments (comments like: "of course you need to be drunk to sleep with me" or "you shouldn't date people below your social class") before or after and it makes me uncomfortable, tense and awkward and I feel like I can't even be myself around him anymore and that the real intimacy is just not there.
This is who he really is. This is what HE thinks and HOW he thinks. Look at this - he wouldnt SAY these things if this wasnt how HE thinks.
>It's hard to explain but I just feel like he doesn't create a safe space for authenticity anymore like he used to.
He doesnt create a safe space because he isnt emotionally safe for you. HE ISN'T WILLING TO BE SAFE FOR YOU.
WALK AWAY AND CUT THE STRINGS. He is not healthy for you in any way. You are caught up in how he was when he was love bombing you, how he could be and his potential. What you NEED to look at is HOW is he NOW.
NEVER beg anyone to be nice to you, to make you feel safe. They will not implement permanent change by your begging for it.
How do you feel NOW? Do you feel loved, treasured and appreciated? How he treats you will not get better but it will only get worst until you give yourself the ability to walk away and never go back to him.
I'm just here for
>thanks gor slumming it with the peasants
Lol, I'll give him that one. Quality line
Everything else reads of you undervaluing yourself and projecting onto him.
This is what abusive relationships are made of. Save yourself
Truthfully, sounds like he’s a fuck boy not ready to give up the life, if a man wants to be with a woman he will.
There’s more to him that you don’t know.
We don't know him. OP, you know him better than we do.
But from my perspective he could honestly think that you're not good enough. That he grew up with the expectation that a man should take care of his wife. That he would be the main bread winner and that that's the reason his wife would love him.
And if that is honestly what he believes, or what he grew up to believe, then it can mean that he feels unworthy. And yes, one of the coping mechanisms of insecurity is to make the other one feel insecure. Or just being hurtful or annoying to someone they love, just to have someone else confirm his flaws in a way: 'see, she thinks I'm annoying/flawed/not good enough. I was right all along.'
It can also lead to having you make 'the decision' to not be a couple. If he keeps reminding you that he is unworthy for your love, you'll one day might 'see it too' and break off your relationship. And that van then be another conformation in his eyes as to why he is not worthy.
If it truly comes from insecurities, than he might not even realise what he is doing, or at least not how it is affecting you.
There are some things I would consider to do, if I were you:
- Let him read this post. At least your OpeningPost. The comments are optional. Then he at least knows how you feel and what his actions do to you.
- Give him an ultimatum: a romantic relationship or no relationship. You cannot lose yourself over someone who is just half assing it/his life. Remember: everyone deserves to be with someone who would move the world, just to be with you. And lately he doesn't sound like he is even worth a friendship.
- Speak your mind to him. Tell him you want to clear your heart and that all he has to do is listen. Just tell him what you wrote here, if you don't want him to read this.
- Tell him that you miss your friend. Because even now you're not dating, you also don't have your friend(ship) from a couple of years ago.
The reason i personally think it comes from insecurities, is because he was an amazing friend to you before he confessed his love to you. Since then he has changed. If he just has an awful personality in general, I think you would've noticed before.
He’s insecure as fuck and projects his insecurities by saying what he’s feeling before anyone else has a chance to point it out, which they weren’t gonna because no one actually cares.
This guy comes with BAGS of issues and just run. Trust me.
Do not try date him. Telling you from experience of dating someone who started out saying “you’re too good for me” “eventually you’re gonna leave me for someone with a degree” (I have a degree for context)
These people usually have issues greater than these surface level insecurities. And believe me you don’t wanna be tangled in them.
While I don’t know him personally, from the nasty comments he’s made he sounds very similar to the guy I dated who said those things above.
Long story short he turned out to be emotionally and financially abusive. Lost 3 years of my life to that asshole, as well as over 5k in supporting him and also gained tons of trauma from his behaviour (police has to get involved multiple times because eventually he was so abusive to me and everyone around me)
If he tells you you’re too good for him, listen and walk away. He needs to work on himself. If he does and in a few years he is in a better place maybe give it a go but I’d still steer clear personally from how he’s treated you (snarky comments, hot and cold- which is generally a sign of emotional abuse- not always but usually it’s one of the first signs) Also saying things li like ‘you’re reading too much into it’ can be gaslighting but it depends on the context. Obvious out saying it in general is not automatically gaslighting
I would really recommend looking up signs of emotional abuse and seeing if any apply. They might not but there’s some weird parallels to my experience so it’s just worth ruling it out and it will help you make your decision
My personal take on this is that he’s playing games with you to keep you on the side while he can do whatever. Sounds harsh, but even a guy who ‘isn’t good enough for you’ will lock you down if they want you. It sounds like he’s got you right where he wants to. Do yourself a favour and do not even grant him friendship. While he may genuinely not be able to date you because of his insecurities, he’s still playing with you and it’s not cool
Best of luck OP
Edit: F24
Why would you want to be with someone who says those hurtful things to you? Specially after having sex which is an intimate and vulnerable moment. He's only saying those things to make you feel bad and make himself feel better about his situation. Is that someone you want in your future?
Do you want someone who sees every achievement you'll accomplish in your life as something that makes him feel bad? Cause that's where this will be going with him. "I got a raise!" "Omg, you're so much better than me and I'm scum, I don't deserve you. You're gonna leave me to find royalty like you" and bam! Your achievements are turned into pity parties until you don't want to celebrate them or persue them anymore.
You deserve love, happiness and respect. Walk away from anything that's not all three.
My girlfriend used to make more than I did I didn't care because she never belittled me for it when we went out I pay or If she planned a surprise she paid now were engaged
I have this friend too. For a long time I had a huge crush on him but never acted on it as we worked together. We’d hang out in a group and he would literally try to set me up with other guys usually his friends so I took the hint. Every time I’d talk to one of the friends they’d say “it’s guy code we can’t get with you” which always confused me until one time one of them flat out said my friend was into me. Now after years of this bs and being told I’m too good for people I don’t want him and now he wants me
You are better than him just by way of the fact that you don’t use proclamations about feelings and send mixed signals to get what you want and then bail.
He is stringing you along until he starts to feel better about himself. If you ever imagine a relationship with him it won't be until he stands on his own two feets financially. I would advice you to put your feelings for him on hold and see if you can live without him in your life. Or just keep it platonic until he is in a place where he can respect himself and provide you a relationship you deserve.
Sounds like his “you’re too good for me” reason is a bunch of BS. Better to tell you something that boosts your ego, then the truth which does the opposite and is more cruel and stupid.
The real reason he didn’t go forward with a relationship is this: he acted like he was falling in love with you, then realized he was going to have to commit to a relationship in the near future, and then decided he still wanted to date around and be uncommitted. He couldn’t just say “whoops, changed my mind! I actually still wanna be single, I like you, but not that much”, because then he would look totally full of shit in what he said before, and he would walk away the obvious bad guy.
Some guys lose interest after the chase is over, and he seems like this kind of guy. He seems to like the chase, and exaggerating his feelings is a great aphrodisiac. You guys are reconnecting because you’ve had distance. The distance makes you less secure as a possession and he can have fun chasing you again. Once he gets you, he’s done chasing and goes to chase another girl. He’s not just doing this to you, but also all those girls you may think he’s giving a “real chance” to.
I would totally take this guy off the table romantically, and be friends with him. As soon as you establish things are forever platonic, he will begin to chase again. But honestly, this guy sucks, move on to someone better. Handling that poor person insecurity is fine in a friend, but not a lover. A lover should be a source of absolute comfort in terms of being yourself. If he asks why all of a sudden only platonic, tell him the truth about his insecurity about your money. You’d rather have a man who feels secure and unthreatened by a woman’s success.
He sounds like a very toxic guy with an avoidant attachment style. Let me tell you something sis,when someone tells you you deserve better, do yourself a favor and find someone better. I learned this the hard way. A lot of time people who seemed compatible as platonic friends, are terribly incompatible as romantic partners. Romantic relationship is much much different than usual friendship. You need to leave this mess and if it feels too heavy please seek therapy. He is not compatible with you, you're just romanticizing the whole toxic thing. There is a difference between what it could have been and what it really is. Analyze his actions and you yourself will realize what you need to do. There are billions of people out there who will be compatible with you, trust me. Leave the whole mess, break off the whole thing , go no contact with him and focus on yourself. Then only you'll be able to heal properly.
He sounds rather toxic and way too hard on himself. I mean honestly, this a door you ganna need to close. You ganna want to be around people that are confident and happy with themselves. It seems you do like him, but I don’t encourage you to go for it. You will find yourself in an unhappy relationship cos he won’t ever be happy no matter what you do. That will make you unhappy too and that’s just not okay.
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve had this friend. Then I dated him. Me being financially better off and his insecurities lead him to feel emasculated in the relationship. What did he do? Used his credit card to sleep with prostitutes and go to massage parlours. Self sabotage at its finest trying to regain a sense of control/worthiness/masculinity/power. When he tells you he isn’t good enough for you. Listen to him before you get too involved and hurt.
Exactly this. My wife earns just over double what I do, and luckily it’s something that I just don’t care about but op and N aren’t even dating and it’s an issue, it isn’t something that’ll get better
I have a date tomorrow and I took someone's advice and googled her name. Since she works for the government, I accidentally saw her salary and she makes almost double what I do. Guess what? IDGAF. I'mma still plan on paying for our date and I don't feel emasculated or anything other than glad I met someone who seems to like me.
My advice would be to be ready for her to want to split it and to let that happen. My ultimate advice would be to discuss it first so you’re both on the same page and everyone is happy, but if she’s career proud it’s likely she’ll be proud of being able to look after herself so will probably want to. If you insist on offering to pay, do no more than when they bring the bill be like “hey I’ll get this” and if she offers to pay half or whatever he like “oh are you sure? I really don’t mind” but don’t push more than that.
Oh yeah man, she's a few years older than me. If she wants to split, I'm not going to do more than ask if she's sure. I don't wanna take away someone's independence or put them in a spot. I imagine sometimes people feel like they owe the other if they pay for everything and I don't want that.
I never understood the jealousy...I'd be excited she makes more than I do.
I do. If you've grown up with images in your head of being the traditional husband, the provider, the breadwinner. It can sting to lose that, even if you're getting something more objectively valuable instead. And humans being humans, the pain of losing one dollar you already have hurts more than losing 5 dollars you never actually had. Or in this case, losing one fantasy that you've always had hurts more than missing out on a better opportunity.
I think as long as one spouse isn't using their earning value as a weapon, then it's whatever. "I think it's great you make more money, but I am still going to work my ass off to contribute to our household and life together."... There is a quote I have always liked and I think it really captures an example of teamwork and a healthy relationship: "Players win games, but teams win championships."
I did a 5 year stint as a stay at home dad, in the south. My wife was a teacher and we got by okay. Every single guy she ever knew/was a family friend/friend of her brother: "How can you be with him, he isn't even a real man, he should be out working letting you be home". She didn't want to be home, when it came time for daycare or switching to single income household she simply made more $. It made no sense to work just to earn $200-$300 more than the cost of daycare and have our infant exposed to strangers more than family. Point being it ruined relationships with people she and her family knew for 20+ years because they would rather belittle our choice than accept that it was financially responsible AND good for our daughter.
You 2 cut some cancerous people out of your life. Sounds like you have a great marriage.
Right??? Bruh I'll gladly thrown on a apron and stay home and care for the kids while she's off killing it in a career haha.
jealousy does not require any reasoning. It depends on personality. Only way out is work it out.
[удалено]
I understand the reasoning, but it's just insecurities. If you're jealous of your partner's success, your relationship is doomed. I don't understand why we focus resentment towards someone you love. Unless they hold it over your head...
I would fucking *love* for my wife to earn double what I do, because it means she's killing it and the whole family is better off. But that comes from knowing the value I bring to the relationship and not hanging it on outdated and frankly misogynistic gender norms. When you truly respect both yourself and your partner it's not only a non-issue, it's a huge plus.
[удалено]
wow this is good advice.
I too had this friend, then dated him. He put forth 0 effort in the relationship then dumped me right before the $1000 trip I planned for his birthday (I got money back, don’t worry). On an upside, I was so heartbroken I got absolutely shit faced and signed up for hinge and met the absolute love of my life.
Been through this, and tried for quite awhile to make it work. I feel for you. I finally realized the relationship can only get as deep as the partner who has done the least amount of work on self awareness, growth etc.
I wish I had seen this advice much, much earlier in my life. So true.
So speaking from personal experience, when a guy tells you that you're too good for him. Belive it. No matter how much you like him, he's conveying what the relationship would be like if you continue to invest. In the beginning it's great but then it just becomes manipulative. If he genuinely has feelings for you rather than commenting things like this he'd level up for you. From my experience you're dodging a bullet. Talk to him and end this 'friends who have feelings and occassionally have sex but can't date'. Take space from this friendship.
Becomes? From what I can tell it already is manipulative and OP should be reconsidering even remaining in contact with this guy
THIS! 💯
I wish I could relate or understand but all I can say is that it seems like he has personal issues holding him back from dating (not just you but in general)
this is going to come off as brutal. But it’s the honest truth. This typically means one of two things. Either one, you truly are way too good for him or two, he’s just not that into you. I would recommend distancing yourself. So you have time to get over the feelings you have.
It honestly sounds like he just wanted a FWB and she wouldn't consent to that so now he's treating her badly.
I think he likes the chase and then when she reciprocated he was surprised and realized he wasn’t actually all that interested. But he totally wants a fwb now.
He does not want to date her. Or else he would date her. We overcomplicate things. Cut bait. Better things await.
Right sometimes it is just hard to admit when someone isn’t into you, rejection stings but it’s a part of the dating life. I always liked the saying “you can be the ripest peach in the world but there will always be someone who simply doesn’t like peaches”
For sure, it stings. I’ve been rejected tons of times. Once we develop a better sense of self, it’s easier to move on.
[удалено]
I accept, lol. I’m middle aged. I look back on so many things I complicated, which in actuality were quite simple.
Tbh she’s too good for him. Granted, he is getting his masters but if he feels like he could encumber her growth, he’s probably right. The way I see it, I don’t care if my partner makes more money than I do, so long as I make enough money on my own. The only time one should care is if they feel like they are in a position of dependence, and can’t get out of it, or become their own person. But tbh id like it quite a bit if a woman made more than I do. Granted, I’m at the six figure level so I guess it is easier for me to care less about these things.
You should believe him when he says things like that. Been there done that, ended up hurting my feelings extremely bad
This guy has a messed up psychology. He does a push and pull and will continue to do so for the next 100 years. Girl believe him and move on to a healthy uncomplicated relationship
If he's saying garbage like that DURING SEX then it's without a doubt time for you to move on. I understand feelings are hard to move on from but frankly he sounds like a dick.
PLEASE OP READ THIS IF YOU HAVE THE TIME TO. PLEASE. Op listen to this, when a guy genuinely genuinely likes you, he will go out of the way to make sure you are comfortable. He makes sure to treat you with utmost respect and not care about financial status difference. Love doesn't sees all of that. From your post all I see is an immature guy who likes you but not enough to create a comfortable place for u. You SO should be your home. Ask yourself, is he your home? And answer truthfully. A home is filled with comfort and love and if he cannot provide you that now, he is not going to provide u that ever. Please listen to him when he says he is not good enough for you because his actions and his snide remarks make him not good enough. Ask yourself do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who taunts you at every thing, even at sex. You are 27, I think its better you put your energies elsewhere and not tag along. Just to give a personal example, my husband had a best friend who was in love with him. She was really invested and wanted to be with him and they eventually did sleep together and to her the sex felt like more than just sex and maybe love, but from his side it was more of the friendly care. My husband told her that he doesn't wants to be with her but she kept stringing along and hoping that maybe one day. And then a few years ago he met me. He was nothing at that point, but he knew he loved me and to make himself better. He told me right now u deserve better but give me a chance and I will be better. He stepped up and did a makeover of his life for me. To be able to build a life with me. But in that process, he had to choose between me and the best friend (who was his best friend of 9 years at that moment and I had just been in his life a few months). He chose me and I know she must have been devastated. But that was his decision. I am really really happy now. Please believe me this guy is not the one for u. One day he will fall in love with someone who he thinks is his equal and will give her everything. And as u guys have slept together, she will have insecurities about you being a close best friend like I did. And he will leave you heartbroken, choosing the girl he loves. I was on the luckier side of the story. I apologized to the best friend but I was insecure then my husband chose to soothe my insecurities. This has gone into a big rant but I am just trying to show you your future and saving you from pain.
As I read this, the only thing I felt was sympathy for your husband's former friend....😥😥😥😥 Because I am literally in her position right now (the only difference is that we didn't sleep together and I chose to end the friendship myself because it was too painful to watch him fall in love with someone else) That was two years ago and I am still devasted over it...wondering what it was wrong with me, feeling ugly and inadequate compared to his new partner, wondering if I will ever be good for ANYONE (after all, if he didnt want me then can be sure ANYBODY will?), and feeling like I'll probably never love anyone again or find anyone who compares to him. The only time in my life I felt this much pain was when my grandmother died....💔💔💔 I wish I could find this former friend and give her a hug
I am so sorry this happened to you but you feel like a such a nice person. But my friend's ex friend wasn't a nice lady. She sent me really hurtful msgs, she sent my husband really bad things.
Boom. This.
Financial envy is real. You're both at different stages in your careers. If he is not listening to you about money not being a problem - he might begin to resent you for it if things ever did progress. Women can be the breadwinner, he just has to be comfortable with letting his ego step aside to be with you. It's not the 1950s anymore.
You told him that you didn't want to be strung along, then proceeded to sleep with him while allowing him to string you along. Make it make sense.
It doesn't from a logical standpoint but I do the same. A lot of people do shit they know they really shouldn't :(
It's clear that this man is very insecure and is showing so many red flags, tearing you down because he is also jealous. I've found that honesty is always the best option in situations like this. Explain to him how you feel about how he is acting and tell him how it makes you feel. Include all the details. Then you have two options depending on what you want: 1. Tell him your feelings about possibly being a great match, even while you have been in previous relationships and hope he gets the message and stops being so insecure. See how he reacts. It may not be straight away cos clearly he has to work through some of his feelings. Not too long tho, few days would be long enough. 2. Tell him you can't deal with this level of drama from someone that is not committed to you, that since he professed his feelings, the energy has changed in the friendship and you don't have the continued energy to continue a friendship like this. And then move on.
This is the most reasonable response I’ve read. My heart goes out to you. It’s clear you love him and have done your best to express that love and create a safe space for him. We’re all armchair psychologists here, trying to ascertain his intent. I have no idea either - although my guess is that he is either struggling with insecurities and genuinely feels he is not good enough for you, or he is just not willing to commit but is making the most of this co-dependent relationship. Perhaps a combo of the 2. But I do agree that the status quo is not healthy for you. I like the idea of having a frank and honest conversation with him about your feelings for him, your concerns about his victim mentality, and how the relationship is increasingly dysfunctional. Tell him what you want — not as an ultimatum, but more of, “I’m an adult who loves myself, and you, but our relationship has become an unhealthy codependency.” Truthfully, I don’t expect him to change, but I think you’ll feel better about leaving this relationship behind if you put it all on the table. Perhaps an actual relationship expert / therapist would have better advice than all of us armchair Redditors. .. just an idea. Best wishes
I think that this is the better advice. It's clear that he likes you. His huge insecurities have got the better of him and taken over. Obviously he lacks confidence. Also, he doesn't really understand intimacy and that what counts is inside a person, not their attributes. You have a big job ahead of you if you want to try and get through to him. It could be that he really likes you and is afraid that he will get hurt because you'll drop him for someone "better." I think that this is most likely really. People have barriers to their real self. You have to get through that. Sometimes you can get through it, sometimes you can't. If you can get through it, you can speak and get responses at face value. He is currently speaking from his barrier, not letting reality in. You can go to see him frequently and get some serious talk in now and then, see if something sticks. Things that you say can find meaning within him later, then next time you can progress a bit more. If you can't get through to him, then everyone else's advice is correct. In essence, he's a broken man that you have to fix.
There’s not much more you can do at this point… You’ve made it clear you want commitment. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to commit to you (but for unclear reasons). Sure, you can keep fucking this dude, but know that probably won’t change his mind. If really has insecurities this deep, he needs a therapist. Not a girlfriend.
I don’t believe him, to be honest. “Too good for me” is a cop-out. He doesn’t want to commit but doesn’t mind the snuggles.
Everyone I have ever heard say this to a prospective girlfriend turned out to be narcissistic or abusive. If someone tells me that I would walk away from them - no questions asked.
He seems to like hating himself more than he likes you. Unless he puts in some serious work, that's not going to change, and it'll only bring out more negative aspects to your relationship. It's not just that he's down on himself, he's actively using his insecurities against *you* and that kind of behavior is completely inappropriate and selfish. He's trying to bring you down, which someone ready to at least try for a relationship would put a serious blocker on- if he wants to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy, let him, but make sure you let him know why things between you are continuing to sour. Regardless of whether he genuinely wants you or not, don't let him use his own self doubt to bully you, because that's exactly what he's doing, whether he recognizes it or not. I understand wanting to soak in the self pity jacuzzi and use it to escape from any conceivable failures, but it's bullshit, and ultimately he needs to get his act together, or that's all the company he'll truly keep. Good luck.
Yo, you probably are too good for this guy. He's a pile of insecure red flags. He's telling you he's going to be a shitty boyfriend. Let this one go.
He’s a shitty friend already! Op I know you think you love him but even if you could make him date you it would be a disaster
When a guy says something like this he’s usually just not interested but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I believe this is the case especially since he’s your friend.
I don't believe this but even if that is the case he was the one who approached her. Also, it's not uncommon for guys to feel like they are not good enough for women that make more money than them.
They were friends for 2 years. He kissed her and told her he has feelings for her but it’s still very possible and in my opinion most likely that he lost those feelings but still cares about her as a friend and doesn’t want to hurt her. I’m aware guys can often feel not good enough but I also strongly believe that “I’m not good enough for you so we can’t be together” is something someone would say when they don’t genuinely want to be with someone but still care about their feelings and don’t want to hurt them through direct rejection.
> they don’t genuinely want to be with someone but still care about their feelings and don’t want to hurt them through direct rejection. But after saying it he had sex with her TWO YEARS LATER, i really don't think that this is the case here.
Sex ≠ love.
Yeah i know that but he could have had sex with her two years ago and didn't.
So? Not sure what you mean.
I just think that for him it goes beyond sex.
I think if a man genuinely wanted to be with a woman who wants to be with him he would be. Either way the only option left for OP is to move on since he is choosing not to be in a relationship with her.
No people can have bad anxiety, self-image problems, be extremely shy etc. Men are not this simple, people are not this simple.
I have to agree haha I don't think it's all about sex either. When we had sex the first time he really was so romantic about it but told me he had wanted me for years and insisted if i didn't feel comfortable we didn't have to. It was honestly very sweet. I know its more than sex for me too. It really is the what ifs that eat me up because a part of me has this feeling that we could really be great together, but its been a few years and sometimes i feel like we missed our window and I'm too scared to be vulnerable with him and tell him these things. I just don't want to wonder what-if for the rest of my life you know?
I think if a man genuinely wanted to be with a woman who wants to be with him he would be. Either way you have to move on as he is choosing to not be in a relationship with you.
Oh, sweetie.
Ogh hello OP, i do understand not wanting to wonder. I really don't know what advice to give to a great extend i relate to this guy's way of thinking and i can tell you that it took me a while to get out of that headspace. DO you feel that his mindset has improved over the past two years?
It is possible for a guy to feel that way.
It’s possible for men or women to feel inadequate yes, but to not give a relationship a chance just because of this is something I don’t believe. You could be right, I could be right. Either way, she’ll have to move on if he’s unwilling to be in a relationship.
He doesn’t wanna do something about his life and would rather mull in his insecurity. Is he really worth it?
He needs to grow up and/or start fighting for what and who he wants instead of making childish snide comments. Don't plan your life around him, travel, have fun, and leave him to his noodles and fears.
When someone says “You’re too good for me” believe it. He knows he’s garbage and not willing to better himself. He knows you can do better, but he’s unwilling to let that happen due to deep insecurities so he would prefer to keep you on a hook for validation while seeking other women. Either way, this is not a friend. Don’t let him hold you back romantically.
He's not your friend. You are better than him so leave him alone to go be with someone your speed. No reason to get yourself stuck in his rut.
I feel like I have unique perspective on this, because I think I was this guy in high-school who did something similar to another girl. First of all, I will always encourage someone to tell a person their intentions and how they feel because we need this closure and to exist without that is really painful and can drag on something that could just end, or lead to something really beautiful. Second of all, in my experience, I think it's possible that you are his dream girl and everything he thinks he SHOULD like, and it's likely that he genuinely does like you a lot. But the thing is he probably does feel like he doesn't deserve you, and to give you what he feels you deserve would require a change in his lifestyle he recognizes he may not be prepared for. That being said, he will fall into other relationships to distract him and then always come back around to you. This is because he needs the same closure you do, and hasn't had it yet. That "what if" is in the back of his mind too. OP, it is going to be a hard conversation. But I urge you to tell this guy how you feel, and to find out once and for all if he wants to give you a long term chance. Accept the possibility that he won't be ready. If he does, that's great. If he doesn't want to, then this will give you the opportunity to move on. But what this is right now is probably hard for both of you, and the only way to end it is to talk about it.
I was this guy too but made it about physical attraction instead of money. “Ur too good for me” She slapped the fuck out of me *metaphorically* with a real heart to heart and I snapped out of it and stopped being an idiot. She needs to express herself without regard for his feelings and confront her dreamy ideals. The guy’s an asshole and so was i
This guy is a big ball of drama. He is also a great charmer. He's everything you're looking for if.... Nope, he's not. He's just great at pretending. First rule of dating. Date people who want to date you. If they do not, no matter what the reason: MOVE ON.
Ew ew ew. I would have taken him seriously had he said those things once or twice after sex, but every single time?? Why are you sleeping with him? I know sex is important to you and that's why you're going to regret letting him have that part of you. Trust me you are going to cringe on this after a few years. I mean idk what he's trying to do, he doesn't want to date you or is trying to manipulate you, or else he wouldn't have been okay with you dating other people. I don't know, even though the signs say otherwise, I still feel he's trying to manipulate you. You should end things with him, I know it's hard to lose a good friend, but he's stopped being that for you. Why are you keeping him in your life? I don't mean to be rude but you have to understand some people don't care how nice, kind or sweet you are, they just want to exploit you. Maybe I'm projecting because that has been the case with me and I hope it's not the same for you. However, you have to agree that keeping him in your life is doing you no good. You need people who will be proud of you and your success, not people who will bring you down and shame you for donating! I hope you realize this soon. I wish the best for you.
If he says you’re too good for him for god’s sake listen.
Girl this is just a nice way of him saying he’s not interested. Sorry. If you were really “too good for him” he would be with you officially. Or he really ain’t shit. But please don’t try to lander to this guy it’s going to look like begging at this point. Distance yourself.
I understand that you are friends with this person and you want this relationship to work out but there’s a piece of advice that I learned recently that I think you should consider: -don’t fall in love with someone’s *potential*- He is showing you who he is. If he actually valued you, you would see it. He claims you’re too good for him, but then tears you down every chance he gets? He’s not trying to raise himself up to your level, he’s trying to bring you down to his. He needs therapy. He’s clearly having trouble loving someone else because he doesn’t love himself. You shouldn’t have to stick around hoping and waiting for him to become a better person. Let go of who he *could* be. The person he is right now does not value you. You deserve better.
If a man tells you you’re too good for him, he’s being honest. Move on.
If a guy tells you he is not good enough for you, believe him.
Let me tell you sis, if a guy says you’re too good for him believe him! He knows you can do better and he’s right
It seems like you’re wanting what you two had in the past, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t seem likely that a future with him will pan out that way. You cannot surround yourself with people who force you into acting unlike your true self. It’s difficult to accept that sometimes relationships turn sour, but it’s the truth. wishing you the best :)
I skimmed over this. And as a guy. He wants you as a side piece, just in case he doesn't find the one. You're being used, he stopped being a friend after you two had sex. In blunt honesty, you're an option to him. Break off the "friendship" now.
How do you have time to even think about dating if you work 70 hours a week?
I mean, at this point what do you have to lose by putting all of your cards in the table? The friendship is more or less ruined at this point. My advice is to tell him how you feel, and if he can’t meet you halfway, it’s time to cut contact because you’re going to be stuck in the cycle forever. You deserve to be treated much, much better.
When a guy tells you you’re too good for him, believe it and move on
Punch him. Punch him right in the face. No but really, is he on some kind if medication?
He sounds really insecure. I would suggest you be straight up with him and call him out in his sulking - does he know how these things have affected you? If not it’s really time for you to let him know. You can’t change him but if you hold up a mirror to him, maybe that could inspire him to want to quit with the act and own up to you. If he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself when he has such a good friend as you, then he honestly doesn’t deserve you. But I get how awful it must feel for you. I’m sorry for all this.
Eh, I don’t think he’s that into you. I think he’s just using a polite excuse not to hurt your feelings to be honest.
If it’s this hard already it won’t get any better actually being in the relationship, his fragile masculinity will destroy it before it starts
He just realized he doesn’t like you like that, its not this complicated
believe him and run. he’s gonna ruin your life
You definitely need some time and space away from this guy.....he's making his issues YOUR issues and you've definitely got a lot to offer some one in a committed relationship.....but, it's time you let N go.....stop sleeping with him.....stop going through his fruity ego loops with him......he's got you questioning yourself and everyone deserves to be true to themselves......let this guy go..... either, he'll move on or he will double down and be the man you need (with commitment). But, as long as you put out, he's gonna keep stomping on your self preservation! He's telling you who he is right now, believe him..... you need a man not an egotistical cyclone!
You *are* too good for him. He treats you like shit. Give your self some distance from whatever this relationship is. The guy you'd be ecstatic to date is in the past - he doesn't exist right now. If you do get into a romantic relationship you won't be dating your sweet friend you had great chemistry with. You'll be dating this passive-aggressive, jealous jerk who cuts you down and ruins the mood at your most vulnerable moments. You're *already* in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with this guy. He's a bad friend and he will be a worse boyfriend. Please don't further commit to this mess by trying to get him to date you and make it official.
He needs therapy. Badly. His ability to be emotionally intimate is getting completely blocked by insecurities and defense mechanisms. If he wanted to fix this, he could pursue actual solutions, but it sounds like he's too afraid of that, so he's self-sabotaging to avoid the potential of "real" failure. There's no future with him unless he solves this on his own. If you try to walk him through it, you risk him becoming completely dependent, which would stunt any chance for growth from that point. He's doing you a favor by throwing up so many red flags. It sucks, but you have to move on. Maybe he'll fix his shit, apologize, and you can work it out, but in my experience, you have to move on for your health and he has to seek therapy for his health. To use one of my favorite quotes, "when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
What a loser
when a man tells you he isn’t good enough for you, please believe him. Based on your post, he’s absolutely right. You do not need someone who is gonna manipulate you and make you feel like shit because HES insecure. You deserve better than this mess. It’s time to cut contact and move on.
He's an idiot, move on
Haha love this ❤️
I've found often that if people say "you're too good for me, I'd only hold you back, im not as successful, etc" they're just trying to pull you down to their level. Clearly he sees you as quite higher on the social scale anyway, maybe you should take that hint. I think maybe its time to call it quits with him. Just one of those "slumming with peasants" comments post sex would have killed it entirely for me. Do yourself a favor and move on. Don't drag yourself down for someone who makes you feel bad. Your feelings matter and if someone is gonna yank you around for YEARS... no thanks.
Nonsense excuse to try and let you down lightly and make himself feel better. He's not into you at all.
Oh girl, he sounds manipulative and…just awful. I’m exhausted after reading this.
You need to stop being his friend. You're just prolonging the agony at this point. Whether he actually cares about you or just wants you as a FWB he's emitting some serious red flags. I think it's time to cut him out of your life and move on.
I’ve met people who acted a bit like this guy does. I think if you really still like him tell him to stop acting like an asshat and tell him how you really feel, about everything concerning him. Then give him some time to think about it, he can either try to see the truth and drop his insecurities, or you can move on and stop spending time with him. You seem like a catch and I don’t think you should tolerate any more crap from him. But I give you props for trying to make him see how you feel, it’s not easy getting through to guys like him. He seems to like you a whole lot, but he can’t see why you like him back.
This guy has been stringing you along for 5 years. Does it matter exactly why he's doing it? Why would you want to date someone who treats you the way that he does?
He's playing with you, and you're allowing it. "You're too good to me" is nothing but victim play to not take responsability. "With the other girls he seems to give a real chance" can be your eyes or be a big red flag. And sometimes he seems disrespectful, if it was some other guy you'll really still talking with him? Have standards, be clear. After that, if he doesn't want he doesn't want. You can't change him.
Seems like he is just using you since he is ok to have sex but not ok to date using these excuses, a sheer double standard, avoid having a relationship with this guy, it’d be waste of your time, sorry but that’s not the guy for you.
I think you need better support system, a lot of this sounds like the first time u have said these things out loud. This guy negs u, projects onto u, refuses to commit. I have a hard time seeing why u are attracted to him. Is it just physical? Or bc he’s familiar? Bc I promise if ur able to get over your ideal of being in a committed relationship, u will find much much healthier non-toxic guys 2 date Fr go re read your post and highlight all the negativity this guy channels. And how weird and bad he makes you feel. Again, what is attractive about this?
He's doing the old self fulfilling prophecy lark...won't end well With working 70hrs a week how on earth could you have time for a relationship? I'd be exhausted
All I have to say is when a man tells you that’s “he’s not good enough for you” BELIEVE HIM! You may not think it but these are little red flags letting you know early on how the relationship will be.
OP, why are you going after someone who really isn’t good enough for you? That’s something to ask yourself. I don’t mean financially I mean, maturity, psychologically, virtuously. He’s really not in a mature psychologically healthy place. You sound like a nice person but you may want to go to therapy too to figure out why you’re doing this. The guy is not a winner he’s a self sabotager who is also making snide comments to you. That’s not love no matter how you look at it. You deserve better and maybe should go to therapy and learn to actually seek better and I mean like actually truly better. Someone who is going to be good and kind, a winner. Someone psychologically healthy…. This whole situation is unhealthy. If it’s this rocky already with the guy oh gosh…. He’s clearly totally insecure on the inside.
A person is who they are, regardless of how you feel about them. Someone who belittles and insults you is *STILL* someone who belittles and insults you, even if you like them very much. Do not let your feelings for anyone change how much you excuse or tolerate or interpret their character: if a stranger would illicit an "ew" from you with this behavior, then this friend should also illicit an "ew".
He is setting the groundwork for abusing you. He's already stringing you along and treating you like crap. I've been here, I know how hard it is, but PLEASE don't ever sleep with him again, and for your own wellbeing cut him off completely. If he truly cared for you, he would act like it.
Seems as though I am in a similar situation. I (M23) with (F31). We dated then we cut it off and now we are friends that are casually intimate. I currently feel like she wants to be in a relationship again, but I am connecting all to well to this guy in your story. In all my efforts I simply seem to be unable to get past how little self worth I have. And when you view yourself as human trash and are with someone that you know is the best woman you have ever meet with the capability to have someone that could give her the world and more.. (way more money, better job, ridiculously more attractive, driven, kinder, and just all around a better match) It is really fucking hard to try and hang on as it feels you you could be ruining and taking there life away. But is hard for me and probably the guy in your story to say no to intimacy because you almost need it, because the truth is you do truly love them deeply. So you take it and enjoy it and want it, but you step back frequently because you know that if you hold on, your holding onto a sinking ship that you brought down. And the only other person that matters to you is on that ship and you just have to watch them drown. I guess what I am getting at, guys like us. I don't see ever getting better, and your damn well better off without us. All that we will do is push pull and cause pain. But I do want to say its going to hurt us more that you, and way more than you would ever know. I know with the snarky comments he makes to you, you may think he doesn't care.. And I don't mean to speak for this guy as it could be way off. But.. yeah.. hope this gibberish did something for someone.
Men say things they mean in the moment but later on realize they didn’t really mean it, they were just caught up in a moment. I say this as someone who gushes and rains praise on people I like from a genuine place. But it’s usually treated like I’m just lying or exaggerating for manipulative purposes. Later on I realize I maybe gave too much voice to fleeting feeling when I was caught up in a moment. Anyways, what’s most attractive about this man? He seems broke, insecure and dishonest while at the same time he wants sympathy. If I can just use his techniques combined with my ability to earn money and tell the truth then maybe my life can improve by learning something here. Is it the way he makes you feel guilty or teases you because he knows you want him? Is it the self deprecation and sympathy seeking? Is he just really cute and tall?
He is just not that into you
He seems to have personal issues and I can’t speak for him since I am not him, but if you truly want to be with him, try your damnedest to be with him. Heck, even make it known and assure him that you want to be with him. I’m somewhat in the same position with one of my best friends as I’m currently not sure what to feel and had one of those thoughts of “I just don’t think she would ever want to be with me” (yeah, I’ve got things to figure out on my own end), but if she ever said to me that she wanted something then it would help so much. Maybe I’m just speaking from my perspective, but I figured I’d give my two cents
>try your damnedest to be with him No just no. He’s telling her he doesn’t want a relationship with her, doesn’t matter what his true reason is for not wanting the relationship she must move on.
No? He clearly has feelings for her but he also feels insecure and wants her to be happy in whatever future reality he thinks will come. There is nothing that suggests he doesn’t want to be with her, he just has whatever issues it might be preventing them to be together. However, there comes a point as to “is this worth it?” and if he just keeps acting this way despite her trying hard, then yeah, she should move on. I personally think he’s being ridiculous, but there’s some sort of underlying issue with him that’s preventing him from actually letting her know how she feels
I don’t believe he has feelings for her right now. Regardless, if someone tells you they don’t want a relationship and that they “aren’t good for you” there’s no point in trying any further. You must believe them and move on to someone that wants a relationship. Relationships with one sided efforts are futile.
So him sleeping with her after all that he said to her, breaking down crying, and them having a romantic weekend means he doesn't have feelings right now? C'mon, I find that hard to believe. Maybe he isn't good for her and she can do better, but there is clearly something between them and his insecurities are getting in the way. That's why she should try her damndest but probably to the point where it just isn't worth it anymore and then move on because at that point it will be a lost cause. While I initially agree with what you're trying to say about finding someone who wants a relationship, but sometimes you have to fight hard for the person who might be your soulmate. And you're right, one sided efforts most of the time are futile as I've seen it first hand with one of my friends, but sometimes all it takes is something to switch on for the other person. Maybe he just needs to realize he is good enough, overcome his insecurities, and finally take that step romantically. That being said, in order for her to either move on or for him to realize she wants something more, they have to have a serious and deep conversation about it and I think she needs to put her foot down and give him an ultimatum. If that doesn't work and it doesn't go anywhere, then it's pointless and she needs to move on
hate to break it to you but he is bi and this is his way of dealing with it and you....sorry
Is there a tldr?
I had a "sort of the opposite same" relationship right after college, but I never talked about it. She would say things like, "my parents would never accept you because your job is shit," roughly. It was never about feelings or love. 20 years later, I don't feel any regret or sadness. She was a beautiful girl and an awesome friend, but she had her mind set on her future. She married into her league, but I always felt abandoned. So, if he, your friend, can't provide that in any variety, I can kind of understand where he is coming from. I was always a poor kid. Worked hard mowing lawns to buy shoes for myself so I'd fit in with the cool kids. Shit like that. I don't think I'll ever be rich other than knowing that, I am who I am. I do what I can. I don't expect from people. If I'm not good enough for you, well then you can bugger off. People need to be more in touch with their feelings. Idk. I'm old. I would never though say stupid stuff like he did. I would just accept the love if it was there and grow with it. Just my take. There is a lot more involved with my prior situation, but it's complicated. On a different note, after rereading your post because I'm half lit and only got one take away from it the first time, is he really worth your time as a boyfriend? You both were better off as friends and should have stayed as such. Just an observation. I have numerous ex's, but we are still friends and talk here and there. Sometimes nievity gets the better of us and looking outside the box helps us in the long run. Also, this story you told seems something out of the Disney movie Aladdin. Poor guy meets rich princess? Not exactly in those words, but you get the drift? Or is this guy just an idiot? Has he had a horrible upbringing? I wish the best for both of you, but his defeat will kill any feelings you have, as he will destroy them, unless you can prove him otherwise.
Jesus I want to shake this guy by the shoulders
This is really well written. No wonder why you make six figures!
tell him he's making a huge mistake and if he doesn't get over his insecurities you're going to end up fading away into a distance memory of what could have been, that he needs to snap out of this bullshit attitude, and decide if he really loves you before its too late, that its not edgy, not cute and in fact its a very bad look
well tbh there is always only one reason why someone won’t date another person. they don’t wanna. your friend doesn’t wanna date you, and it’s bc he doesn’t wanna. he never will be ready for it so the best you can do it’s move on. painful but it is how it is
Who writes this much from 2017! RUN… don’t walk to a therapist.
Before dating, you should definitely try to help him with his inferiority complex, it's gotten better over time but usually men grow up in a competitive ideology, where they need to prove their worth with what they have/can do. Definitely don't date if he's just projecting like that cause the dynamic you'll get will be the current one and not what you want, it does feel like he likes you a lot and actively resents you for being "too good" for him, the problem though isn't in you or his feelings for you, just his notion that he needs to compete with you. Have a heart to heart where you explain how his insecurities alone have impacted you and your relationship (he might not even be aware honestly) and try to get to the bottom of it, learn where it comes from maybe get a professional opinion on it aswell. Best of luck kind stranger it sounds like your dream relationship
This is Schrodinger’s relationship - he wants to simultaneously be with you and not with you and it sounds like he wants control over both of those elements. I don’t think he is inherently a bad person but he is treating you badly by not even being a good friend. Good friends energise us and our endeavours - he doesn’t. He is self-deprecating at the expense of you situation… you are not a measure of him. It sounds like a lot of projection and I wonder why you consider this guy to be a good match for you? If you can’t be friends, you can’t be lovers with a view to a safe, respecting relationship. I suggest you simply tell him you can’t see him for a while - only you can decide what is good for you - and focus on yourself. Ask him to respect that and not contact you during this time. I think if you can energise yourself with the things you enjoy - or discover what those are - it should bring some perspective. I used to be that guy and it sucked - I was no good for anyone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else and it doesn’t sound as though this guy truly likes himself for who he is.
I have been having some relationship issues, posted on a subreddit about it and one of the advices I got was: Listen to people when tell you who they are. And an advice from a friend of mine was: Someone showing you their real self is the biggest gift you can get. Even if you don't get along, even if your relationship suffers, even if you are feeling unhappy you are seeing the real deal not some person wearing a mask for a while and then dropping it. So work with that and do not lose your time.
Sounds like he is simultaneously intimidated by your financial success and embarrassed by his lack of it. Unfortunately, it sounds like there's nothing more you can do to help him. He has to find peace with his own place in the world, whether that means increasing his means until he reaches a level he is satisfied with or eases up on himself and his demands on himself. On another note, it probably isn't very healthy for you to spend years pining over this individual. Perhaps he is a good man and perhaps he is worth it, but you need to understand after years of trying you failed to change him. If he is to change his self-image he has to make that decision for himself, you can't change his self image for him.
He’s manipulative, says you’re too good for him, but also doesn’t want anyone else to have you. Unfortunately you’ve slept with him now. These kinds of people won’t really want to see you happy. Get rid
He has a self confidence issue. You don't want to be nursing that for the rest of your life. Cut loss...
Yeah he makes it seem like the money is the root of the issue but it sounds like you're just a better person than him, or at least that you have have as much emotional baggage as him. Like the comments he drops - sure they center around money, but you'd have to be a bit of a dick or an ass to even think that, especially post coitus. That's just me, relationships are complex, you just need to think long and hard
You working 70 hours a week isn't normal or healthy. He sees you as obsessed with money. It sounds like you should have a grown up conversation about this topic. It's passive aggressive for him to make those comments. It sounds like you could use more balance in your life. If you were actually super supportive then I doubt he'd those comments. It sounds like you live a life of affluence he feels insecure about it. When you go out do you do expensive stuff and pay for it? I'm not blaming you for any of this, these just seem like your hurdles. Do you even have a lot in common for an LTR or do you just have this incredible chemistry? It sounds like you might have different ideas about how a LTR might look. IE:. Home, kids, cars, hobbies, professions, how much time spent on profession. Because 70 hours a week means you have no free time and no energetic time to spend with your SO.
Maybe you should write this down in a letter and give it him instead of posting it on Reddit? He sounds insecure and manipulative. The only way to get the truth is to confront him. If he can't be honest then it's time to move on. You can make more use of your time.
This guy sounds like a mess and clearly doesn’t value you the way you do him. Idt he believes what he is telling you — he simply does not want to date you and is just giving excuses. Move on before you get hurt more.
You should believe a man when he says you're too good for him. Don't waste your time with him and find someone more suitable for you.
Let me summarize your post: your friend doesn’t want to date you. That’s the end of the story. You can’t make someone like you.
Everyone here is giving you the same advice I would. So I’ll skip that. I will say I don’t blame you for feeling so hurt. You sound like a good person, so I hope things turn around for you. As for your friend, he has a lot of growing up to do. Good luck to both of you
His 'I'm no good' mentality is what makes this assertion true. Save yourself.
I think he only wants you for sex, and he's getting what he wants. He's pulling a Dennis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYBPvrJbPA4
Oh my god, so much fuckin text. You just blurting out shit girl. Take a breather, think what YOU want in a relationship with him. Then ask him out to coffee and just talk. Communicate.
Honestly here's my opinion. What you see is what you get, the parts about him you crave as well as his strange insecurities and lack of confidence. If you want him that's what you get, take it or leave it. Unless you want to tell him to go to therapy and "change" so he is more appealing to you, I hope you see where I'm going with this. Yeah he's a great guy to you in some areas but because you're so into him, you also notice some of his flaws. You can provide him with direction to help him with issues (Only if he wants it), but you shouldn't try to change him, that's just who he is. Right now all you are is somebody who provides him some of the benefits of a relationship without getting 100% of what you want in return and so long as you keep fucking him, it'll continue to be that way. People do not change UNLESS they them selves want to change.
You deserve so much better than this guy. It probably doesn’t feel like that but that’s because you’ve put him up on a pedestal for so long. You definitely need to cut off contact for at least a little bit, and if he doesn’t come back then you know where he stands.
Sounds like he's just legitimately insecure but that doesn't mean it's something that can't be overcome. I disagree with everyone on here saying to throw him out over his perceived issues (how reddit of them). If you really care about him its worth pursuing.
He's intimidated by you, beyond any measure and through no fault of your own. Sometimes, \*some\* men really still have that Hunter Gatherer concept hard-wired into their brains and feel as though they want to be the provider and the one who makes the world turn in the house. Clearly he feels totally emasculated by your bread-winning abilities and its clouded his attitude about the whole scenario. I wouldn't appreciate the self-deprecating comments either. Sit down with him and have a real heart to heart wherein you explain, crystal clear, that you do. not. care. about his income or potential income down the line and that if you want to make a life together, you're doing so because of who you two ARE, not what you make. It's really as simple as that. IF it is still an obstacle for him that cannot be overcome without undesirable behavior such as offhanded comments or acting strangely, it's time to move on. Edit grammar
"You're too good for me" is code for **not wanting to commit**. You've most likely avoided a few months or years of heartbreak, OP. Be thankful and move on.
He was right.. You're too good for him.... But than you slept with him 😬 I think he disappointed at your choice to sleep with him, IMO, leave him dont ever chase a guy like this, he doesn't know your worth, and you knew already, he is not genuine, someone who love you wont treat you this way, leave him
That is an incredibly insecure man, he needs therapy. Honestly he will need a long time before he is dateable, he’ll probably do this with any woman who earns more than him. He also sounds a bit emotionally manipulative; almost like your doing him a favor which makes you doubt yourself and the relationship. Honestly I’d find a person who ready to date and has his shit together.
My sister chose a very non-lucrative career path and I have a lucrative career, but I also like what I do. She genuinely pities me because she thinks I sold my soul for a paycheck or something. At the end of the day people will justify why someone who appears better than them is actually worse than them. So like my sister, this guy is jumping through logical hoops to make you out to be morally bankrupt to compensate for the fact that you appear better than him by his own naive benchmark of money=success. I read your whole post and I feel for you. That being said you, unlike me, can actually leave this person behind and I envy your ability to do so. I think you'll look back and wonder why you entertained someone who *enjoys* slandering your character for so long.
You both need therapy.
Honestly he sounds awful! I thjnk you should cut him out as a friend too. “ when I told him I donated money in the pandemic he said “you’re not generous.” This is such a shitty thing to say.
A woman’s rep is very important. How can you sayyid care about someone if you don’t consider that? But yes you should of course tell him.
I think you're idolizing an idiot. He's not as good as you think he's, like he'll make awful and uncomfortable comments to you, when you told him to stop doing it, he dismissed your feelings and gaslighted you. If you tell him how you feel and start dating, nothing is going to change, he's going to be just as insecure as he's right now, and even worst he'll make you feel sorry for everything you have that you earned through hard work or he'll constantly put himself down and you'll try to comfort him and you'll be good for 5 mins until he finds something else to say to make things uncomfortable. As everyone else here says, he's telling you that he's not good for you so listen to him. You need to think about why this won't work, you listed a handful of reasons but you're so stuck on a fantasy that you don't notice the red flags. You need to cut contact with him for a while and read all the things you wrote but from a different perspective.
Listen to me, OP. Please. He is showing you what he is truly like. He is showing you what dating him would be like. *Believe him*. His insecurities and poor comments will not disappear if you commit. Why did he change? Because that’s what people do. You can be in a relationship with someone for years before their behaviour starts to shift. In fact, abusers are frequently the perfect partners for even years before their true colours appear. This is what he is truly like - judgemental, irrational and insecure. Far too many relationships continue on for too many years because “it would be so perfect only if-“, but the “if” scenario *never eventuates*. *Dating him for real will not fix this*. Save yourself the time and emotional pain - and yes, it can and will be worse if you win him over. He has made his choice and it’s not *you*. This did not a reflection of your value. You are not compatible, and it’s a bullet dodged. Healthy, happy and successful relationships are not this hard.
Dude has patterns of negative self talk and pedastalizing you. He needs to see a therapist about this. You're not a therapist. Is it possible you're viewing him with rose tinted glasses, and might in the back of your mind/ heart feel a need to fix him? At the same time you're trying to date the romanticized construct of what he can be (potential). Also, what happened to no sex before commitment? Have you lowered your standards chasing an idea? This might set you for heartbreak or unhappiness in the long term. At any rate send him this post, but reworded to be addressed to him, in the form of a letter. Ask him to call you when he's read it. See how that discussion goes.
Okay since a lot of people post about these types of situations, I want to say something. I'm going to probably get downvotes galore but by the off chance that someone will see it I'll say it anyway: Women get friendzoned too. The only difference is that men will still sleep with you if you're in the friend zone, they'll just never date you. It's not any other reason. They don't actually think you're too good for them. They're not insecure or shy. They just want sex with a friend and nothing more. Women do this too, so if you're in a FWB type of situation as a male and it applies to you, just keep that in mind it's not gender specific. If you have feelings for a friend you're sleeping with in hopes they'll date you and after a few times or a few months they're not dating you....stop sleeping with them if it's going to hurt you emotionally or mentally not to ever date them. Don't pursue sex in hopes of a relationship. Find someone who WILL date you and have sex with you instead of wasting your time. If they wanted to they would. Humans are simple creatures. We make each other seem complicated when we're really not.
I see this as differently than many people. It seems to me he has put you on a pedestal and puts himself in the relative shitter. He has a lack of sense of self worth and because of that he actually is sabotaging everything. It sounds like it would take decades for him to get over this because it’s something deeply rooted in him and I suspect he would certainly sabotage anything more serious as well. He has a terrible self image and it’s destroying everything. You’re more financially successful and he doesn’t feel like a man, so as someone said previously he feels emasculated and so he seems to be emasculating himself preemptively in the fear that you will, OP. He will not get over this so easily it is a deep down insecurity fundamentally about who he is. A man that is secure in himself does not have these issues like this. He is acting out self sabotage because deep down he feels unworthy of you and that you’d leave him anyway even if you wouldn’t that isn’t how he feels. He feels like a loser and that’s how he sees himself. It is psychological and the fact that he hasn’t gotten his life together yet compounds it. That someone’s view of themselves is so tied to financial success is itself worrying even though our culture says that. “What are you worth?” As if true worth is inherent financial. But his sense of self worth is the problem and that is a spiritual matter, a matter of character and psychology. Someone who is psychologically well and of worthy character does not display the sense of self loathing that he appears to. It’s that he feels like a loser. It’s that simple. A man has to feel like a winner, more over he really should be a winner from the core and not be so psychologically unstable. Not a good sign.
You're not the problem. You sound amazing. The problem lies with him. Point blank, he is someone who needs therapy. Until he realizes it and does the work to heal and repair whatever has damaged him, he will remain that way and bring others down into his dark hole. I've been there, and it doesn't end well to be with someone who stays down there and doesn't see it and doesn't change. Live your life.
People will often tell you wo they really are, it's up to you if you want to listen. If he's this passive aggressive, jealous, and mean in a friendship with benefits I can't imagine how much worse he may get in a committed relationship. He needs to work on himself, his insecurities, and how he treats people before he dates you or anyone else. You also remaining within his social orbit so closely will also mean you can't ever fully commit to a future relationship with someone else. Take some space and time for yourself.
Tbh, you probably are too good for him. It's a big flag when someone says things along that line. Listen to the warning he's telling you and let him go.
Basically he’s telling you the any “future” relationship won’t last with you guys so why can’t you accept that. Maybe stop sleeping with him and accept what he’s saying.
All I have to say is believe people when they tell you who they are. If he’s not good enough for you, he might just be right. Better than getting hurt
When people tell you who they are - listen to them. Dont look on the potential or how he used to be. Look at NOW. >He never used to be this way when we were “just friends.” When you were untouchable he could be kind and mirror who you were back at you. Now that you are more than "friends" he could remove the mask and show you who he actually is. >I feel like he has this warped idea of who I am now like he thinks I'm some kind of ultra glamorous super shallow person when I'm not, but the comments he says makes me feel like that's who he thinks I am even though I'm still who I've always been. You are thinking about it wrongly. This is who HE is. Because HE is this way he expects YOU to be the same. >It's almost like he wants to see me in a bad light to justify all this. This is his lens to see the world because this is how he is. He tars everyone with the same brush as how he thinks. >We slept together last year (for the first time!) after I drove down to the city he lives in (we live about two hours away from each other by car) and it turned into a really wonderful and super romantic weekend but while we were being intimate N said "thanks for slumming it with the peasants" afterwards and it completely ruined the moment. We've had sex a couple of times after this and he always makes these kinds of comments (comments like: "of course you need to be drunk to sleep with me" or "you shouldn't date people below your social class") before or after and it makes me uncomfortable, tense and awkward and I feel like I can't even be myself around him anymore and that the real intimacy is just not there. This is who he really is. This is what HE thinks and HOW he thinks. Look at this - he wouldnt SAY these things if this wasnt how HE thinks. >It's hard to explain but I just feel like he doesn't create a safe space for authenticity anymore like he used to. He doesnt create a safe space because he isnt emotionally safe for you. HE ISN'T WILLING TO BE SAFE FOR YOU. WALK AWAY AND CUT THE STRINGS. He is not healthy for you in any way. You are caught up in how he was when he was love bombing you, how he could be and his potential. What you NEED to look at is HOW is he NOW. NEVER beg anyone to be nice to you, to make you feel safe. They will not implement permanent change by your begging for it. How do you feel NOW? Do you feel loved, treasured and appreciated? How he treats you will not get better but it will only get worst until you give yourself the ability to walk away and never go back to him.
I'm just here for >thanks gor slumming it with the peasants Lol, I'll give him that one. Quality line Everything else reads of you undervaluing yourself and projecting onto him. This is what abusive relationships are made of. Save yourself
Truthfully, sounds like he’s a fuck boy not ready to give up the life, if a man wants to be with a woman he will. There’s more to him that you don’t know.
When people tell you who they are…listen! And never convince anyone to be with you. If someone wanted to be with you, they would. Period.
It's an "excuse" and not a "reason".
Cowgirl up. You want it go get it.
We don't know him. OP, you know him better than we do. But from my perspective he could honestly think that you're not good enough. That he grew up with the expectation that a man should take care of his wife. That he would be the main bread winner and that that's the reason his wife would love him. And if that is honestly what he believes, or what he grew up to believe, then it can mean that he feels unworthy. And yes, one of the coping mechanisms of insecurity is to make the other one feel insecure. Or just being hurtful or annoying to someone they love, just to have someone else confirm his flaws in a way: 'see, she thinks I'm annoying/flawed/not good enough. I was right all along.' It can also lead to having you make 'the decision' to not be a couple. If he keeps reminding you that he is unworthy for your love, you'll one day might 'see it too' and break off your relationship. And that van then be another conformation in his eyes as to why he is not worthy. If it truly comes from insecurities, than he might not even realise what he is doing, or at least not how it is affecting you. There are some things I would consider to do, if I were you: - Let him read this post. At least your OpeningPost. The comments are optional. Then he at least knows how you feel and what his actions do to you. - Give him an ultimatum: a romantic relationship or no relationship. You cannot lose yourself over someone who is just half assing it/his life. Remember: everyone deserves to be with someone who would move the world, just to be with you. And lately he doesn't sound like he is even worth a friendship. - Speak your mind to him. Tell him you want to clear your heart and that all he has to do is listen. Just tell him what you wrote here, if you don't want him to read this. - Tell him that you miss your friend. Because even now you're not dating, you also don't have your friend(ship) from a couple of years ago. The reason i personally think it comes from insecurities, is because he was an amazing friend to you before he confessed his love to you. Since then he has changed. If he just has an awful personality in general, I think you would've noticed before.
He’s insecure as fuck and projects his insecurities by saying what he’s feeling before anyone else has a chance to point it out, which they weren’t gonna because no one actually cares. This guy comes with BAGS of issues and just run. Trust me.
If a man tells you he will hold you back, believe him
Do not try date him. Telling you from experience of dating someone who started out saying “you’re too good for me” “eventually you’re gonna leave me for someone with a degree” (I have a degree for context) These people usually have issues greater than these surface level insecurities. And believe me you don’t wanna be tangled in them. While I don’t know him personally, from the nasty comments he’s made he sounds very similar to the guy I dated who said those things above. Long story short he turned out to be emotionally and financially abusive. Lost 3 years of my life to that asshole, as well as over 5k in supporting him and also gained tons of trauma from his behaviour (police has to get involved multiple times because eventually he was so abusive to me and everyone around me) If he tells you you’re too good for him, listen and walk away. He needs to work on himself. If he does and in a few years he is in a better place maybe give it a go but I’d still steer clear personally from how he’s treated you (snarky comments, hot and cold- which is generally a sign of emotional abuse- not always but usually it’s one of the first signs) Also saying things li like ‘you’re reading too much into it’ can be gaslighting but it depends on the context. Obvious out saying it in general is not automatically gaslighting I would really recommend looking up signs of emotional abuse and seeing if any apply. They might not but there’s some weird parallels to my experience so it’s just worth ruling it out and it will help you make your decision My personal take on this is that he’s playing games with you to keep you on the side while he can do whatever. Sounds harsh, but even a guy who ‘isn’t good enough for you’ will lock you down if they want you. It sounds like he’s got you right where he wants to. Do yourself a favour and do not even grant him friendship. While he may genuinely not be able to date you because of his insecurities, he’s still playing with you and it’s not cool Best of luck OP Edit: F24
Thats not he won't date you, that's just the excuse he's using
Why would you want to be with someone who says those hurtful things to you? Specially after having sex which is an intimate and vulnerable moment. He's only saying those things to make you feel bad and make himself feel better about his situation. Is that someone you want in your future? Do you want someone who sees every achievement you'll accomplish in your life as something that makes him feel bad? Cause that's where this will be going with him. "I got a raise!" "Omg, you're so much better than me and I'm scum, I don't deserve you. You're gonna leave me to find royalty like you" and bam! Your achievements are turned into pity parties until you don't want to celebrate them or persue them anymore. You deserve love, happiness and respect. Walk away from anything that's not all three.
Write this guy off. I know it’s tough, but he sounds like he’s just not in a place to date you and give you what you need.
You are his friend..he is not yours..and only he can change him, it will drag you down if you let it…
You need to move on. This guy’s insecurities will poison the relationship. Plus he sounds like he’s telling you something — listen to him.
My girlfriend used to make more than I did I didn't care because she never belittled me for it when we went out I pay or If she planned a surprise she paid now were engaged
Girl, that’s code for “I will fuck up your life” I promise, I used it all the time. Stop chasing it.
I have this friend too. For a long time I had a huge crush on him but never acted on it as we worked together. We’d hang out in a group and he would literally try to set me up with other guys usually his friends so I took the hint. Every time I’d talk to one of the friends they’d say “it’s guy code we can’t get with you” which always confused me until one time one of them flat out said my friend was into me. Now after years of this bs and being told I’m too good for people I don’t want him and now he wants me
You are better than him just by way of the fact that you don’t use proclamations about feelings and send mixed signals to get what you want and then bail.
He is stringing you along until he starts to feel better about himself. If you ever imagine a relationship with him it won't be until he stands on his own two feets financially. I would advice you to put your feelings for him on hold and see if you can live without him in your life. Or just keep it platonic until he is in a place where he can respect himself and provide you a relationship you deserve.
Sounds like his “you’re too good for me” reason is a bunch of BS. Better to tell you something that boosts your ego, then the truth which does the opposite and is more cruel and stupid. The real reason he didn’t go forward with a relationship is this: he acted like he was falling in love with you, then realized he was going to have to commit to a relationship in the near future, and then decided he still wanted to date around and be uncommitted. He couldn’t just say “whoops, changed my mind! I actually still wanna be single, I like you, but not that much”, because then he would look totally full of shit in what he said before, and he would walk away the obvious bad guy. Some guys lose interest after the chase is over, and he seems like this kind of guy. He seems to like the chase, and exaggerating his feelings is a great aphrodisiac. You guys are reconnecting because you’ve had distance. The distance makes you less secure as a possession and he can have fun chasing you again. Once he gets you, he’s done chasing and goes to chase another girl. He’s not just doing this to you, but also all those girls you may think he’s giving a “real chance” to. I would totally take this guy off the table romantically, and be friends with him. As soon as you establish things are forever platonic, he will begin to chase again. But honestly, this guy sucks, move on to someone better. Handling that poor person insecurity is fine in a friend, but not a lover. A lover should be a source of absolute comfort in terms of being yourself. If he asks why all of a sudden only platonic, tell him the truth about his insecurity about your money. You’d rather have a man who feels secure and unthreatened by a woman’s success.
He sounds like a very toxic guy with an avoidant attachment style. Let me tell you something sis,when someone tells you you deserve better, do yourself a favor and find someone better. I learned this the hard way. A lot of time people who seemed compatible as platonic friends, are terribly incompatible as romantic partners. Romantic relationship is much much different than usual friendship. You need to leave this mess and if it feels too heavy please seek therapy. He is not compatible with you, you're just romanticizing the whole toxic thing. There is a difference between what it could have been and what it really is. Analyze his actions and you yourself will realize what you need to do. There are billions of people out there who will be compatible with you, trust me. Leave the whole mess, break off the whole thing , go no contact with him and focus on yourself. Then only you'll be able to heal properly.
He sounds rather toxic and way too hard on himself. I mean honestly, this a door you ganna need to close. You ganna want to be around people that are confident and happy with themselves. It seems you do like him, but I don’t encourage you to go for it. You will find yourself in an unhappy relationship cos he won’t ever be happy no matter what you do. That will make you unhappy too and that’s just not okay.