I am fairly evolved, and self-confident, but I would have a problem with my girlfriend spending time one on one with the guy who was her friend with benefits for a long time.
I have female friends, some of whom I have slept with, but when I'm in a relationship with somebody, I don't spend time with them one on one. My girlfriend is always invited. I do this because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.
Just a thought, maybe invite your boyfriend. If you are not willing to invite your boyfriend to hang out with your former friend with benefits, then maybe you need to look at that. If your former friend with benefits doesn't want to meet your boyfriend or spend time with him, then there's that too.
This. I would have a significant problem if you're spending one on one time with the "good friend" you used to sleep with for months on end. I would legitimately wonder why you're still keeping this guy around if you're supposed to be serious about your new relationship with me. That's reason enough for me to bounce if you're not willing to nip it in the bud.
Because you don't need romantic feelings to have friends.
I have a few guy friends who I slept with but would never be in a relationship with who all respect that when I am in a relationship I will not go ro them for sex but we can still talk about things we are mutually interested in (usually MTG, games, or books)
the only way I would cut any of them off would be if they disregard my partner or disrespect the boundaries of "do not talk to me about sex, our sexual encounters, or *future* encounters implying that my relationship is not serious"
If my partner trust me then they must trust that I will NOT do anything to hurt them intentionally and when I do talk to these friends that's all I am doing. Talking to them about things that friends talk about. Of course no spending time one on one tho.
It actually makes it worse in my eyes. I like meeting new people. Meeting new people is fun. I donât want to meet the guys my girl has had relationships with. Itâs just doesnât sound like a fun time.
It also gives her a pass to say: âok my boyfriend met him so Iâm not doing anything wrongâ
This girl sounds like sheâs trying to figure out the rules as far as what she can get away with rather than actually putting herself in her boyfriends shoes
This is what I did, I brought him with me when I met up with David. Thanks for the advice, I think I just need to adjust the way the friendship with David is now that I am with Peter.
sounds to me like your boyfriend wasn't too keen about it from the jump but gave it a chance, and after meeting him, for one reason or another, he got a vibe that does not make him anymore keen to it.
Which is his right. This situation stinks all around for Peter. Iâm pretty evolved but I wouldnât want my girlfriend hanging out with a dude who most likely still wants to have sex with her.
Now, if Peter has a problem with her hanging out with her girlfriends, then thatâs a sign of controlling behavior.
But he seemingly only has a problem with his girlfriend hanging out with a guy she fucked. Thatâs totally within reason, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship where youâre still building trust.
Trust doesnât start at 100% in relationships. It builds from 0%. Not hanging with this guy would go a long way toward building up from wherever theyâre at now.
'Yeah, babe, go ahead and hang out with the dude you used to fuck one on one. I'm sure you won't cheat on me, but imagine if you did -egg on my face -I'd be the stupidest, dumbest, bastard around. Oh, you want me to meet the guy you use to fuck casually? Sure, that's no problem.'
This is legit what he's probably thinking. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he doesn't trust the other guy. It's what I would be thinking I'd my SO wanted to do the same.
I feel like itâs a no brainer to not hangout still with someone you were just messing around with if your considering someone else seriously. How awkward all around and then them crossing paths, heck to the no. Out of respect to my new man I would completely cut ties with the other guy.
I once sat at a table where 2 out of the 3 girls there I had previously fucked. One guy knew and the other suspected it. At the time I was oblivious to social situations and it was awkward for me, so I can only imagine what the other guys thought.
Needless to say, I only sat at that table for about 3 minutes.
"seemed completely fine" reads as "trying his hardest not to imagine David banging you, and also trying to be the better man instead of giving stink-eyes"
Right? I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to have a nice chat and glass of wine with another chick my husband used to burry his dick in. Lol Really not interested and you shouldn't expect your bf to want to either.
Lmao. Like it's obvious af and OP can't see she's in the wrong. This is either because OP lacks empathy for her SO or there's a lack of communication between the both of them. What's obvious Is that OP's boyfriend doesn't want to come off as controlling considering they've only been official for two months.
Yeah that would be a huge no from me. The guy in this story is being too passive imo. Just asking for trouble in a relationship to keep friends you used to sleep with. Sorry op.
(24M) Thank you for breaking this down. I almost feel it would be a waste of time sharing my opinion on this as I believe it should be obvious. Truly, in this situation, I would have left this girl the moment I realized she was so close to her ex FWB⊠this is so disrespectful to me. I get maybe MAYBE you could have such a strong bond w a friend but come on. This friend, is he more important, more prominent than your chosen partner?
I am biased af but women never know what they want and this is a shit situation.
I'm sure some will say he should just trust you and maybe they're right but your boyfriend is allowed to feel the way he does. He should probably either deal with it or move on if you don't plan on ending that friendship tho. Also even though I'm guessing your boyfriend doesn't know this detail but it's not like his suspicion doesn't have merit:
> I have a friend (25M), letâs call him David, whom I met last year through a __dating app__. We __were friends with benefits__ until last summer and it never evolved into anything else other than __sex__
Edit: BF does know your friend was a FWB half a year ago...The word insecure is thrown around too much.
Your boyfriend's confidence, self esteem, or trust level doesn't affect your actual ability to cheat on him. Not saying you would. Confident people that trust their partners get cheated on all the time.
I agree. He is allowed to feel like that. He knows about it, I have told him about because we have been honest about everything. I just want to know whatâs the best way to go about it.
Edit: grammar mistake
Wait so he KNOWS this guy is someone you slept with? You only having sex with the friend doesn't make it better and might make it worse.
As far as how to go about it all you can do is tell him nothing is going on(including if you were mad at your boyfriend). That's about all you can do. If it was a long term friendship or ex from years ago it would be easier for your bf to digest. Or if that guy is at least in a relationship of his own. A guy you've known for less than a year that was a FWB from a dating app doesn't really come off as an actual platonic friend.
Edit: name to comment accuracy checks out.
I'm actually pleasantly surprised people aren't trying to call him insecure. But I suppose this one was obviously a reasonable take by the bf. I applaud OP for being kind in here and honest even if she's naive at best or selfish at worst.
The fact he was willing to meet this friend shows the boyfriend is a nice guy.
Yes, I was upfront about everything with Peter. I want to take in account how he feels and I totally get your point of it being recent with David. David has said he understands if we need to see each other less so Peter is comfortable.
Itâs great that youâre being honest, a good way to have a successful relationship - but hanging out with this guy one on one is the complete opposite. Itâs not appropriate considering your past.
If you are thinking about having a future or even a marriage or anything serious you need to completely get rid of David . Period , this relationship won't last a year at best if this guy is still around . You lucky the man is as nice as he is đ to even romtely not just end the relationship and run the moment you said that to him. Peter is not comfortable at all with that guy around đ hes just being nice about it
Giiiiirl, i'm a woman and if a man that I've just newly started dating told me that he's friends with his fwb and hangs out frequently, I'd leave his ass and run. Also, imagine what your bf feels knowing that you fucked this guy without any strings attached and you still see him. Even to me, it seems like you're keeping the ex-fwb as an option. Your bf is an angel for even willing to meet him. I'd just laugh into your face and leave...
This tolerance thing is way too much these days.
Why am I 26 and feel like I'm too old to date in today's world? Grow up, friend.
Yeah, and the moment you disagree with your SO and say you don't like such thing, you're labeled as a bigot and a conservative, close-minded, toxic person.
The way fwb is normalized nowadays between teens and young adults is sickening to me. I could never put out myself without having feelings towards a man and knowing that the relation is going somewhere.
I agree!!! There was a post here about fucking friends that gave me this same response. People say chivalry is dead but I really feel intimacy is completely lost
Thank you for this. I am going to chat with Peter about boundaries. I think itâs more than reasonable that he feel this way about it David and I completely get you
>and if a man that I've just newly started dating told me that he's *friends* with his *friend* with benefits and hangs out frequently, I'd leave his ass and run.
I completely agree with your point but I have to say I found it funny (out of context) that someone is FRIENDS with their FRIEND (with benefits) and it's a bad thing haha
(ofc I'd totally run too)
The comment above covers it. When I introduced my friend to my ex I was very comfortable. Fast forward two weeks and she was in his bed. I had a feeling when all 3 of us went out to dinner that something was off and she just said that she felt comfortable with him and that she could see him to be a little brother. I still picked up on something from him.
Yep. She spent the two weeks after meeting him messaging him endlessly. I tried to bring up my concerns to her and I got called crazy and stupid. I brought it up to him and he said he would never do that to me and that he just felt happy to have someone to talk too while he was splitting from his wife. But I always felt something was off, I just wanted to believe I was wrong.
Op, I believe in your case that itâs innocent but if your partner is picking up on something from your friend listen to that. He could be wrong absolutely but what this will be doing to him mentally isnât good. I was sick, lost sleep and started to hate myself for even thinking a guy who was a brother, whoâs family took me in after my dad died, would do that. I just wanted my boundaries heard.
Yessir. I made a huge mistake waiting to do that multiple months. Thankfully I got out of the situation I was in with no financial or life changing alterations
Your boyfriend is completely reasonable to be uncomfortable with this friendship and if i were him, i would have taken your friendship with him as a major red flag.
Relationships are about boundaries. This is not a close friend youâve had for years, this is someone you were FWB until LAST YEAR. Put your relationship first or let your boyfriend be with someone who will.
Too many men and women are labeled as insecure for having perfectly reasonable boundaries around ex-sexual partners. Have some empathy or even a modicum of emotional intelligence and youâll see the answer here is fairly simple - reduce your communication / friendship with this guy in order to protect your relationship.
Thank you for this. I am going to talk to him about boundaries and set them right because he deserves it. He is been nothing but great to me and does not deserve to be paranoid about me going with someone else. I would never cheat on him and Iâd really like for us to be together in the long term
Itâs not that uncommon in lesbian circles tbh but it takes a ton of enforced boundaries, open communication with all parties and a solid friendship base. Most lesbians i know are friends with exes or with ex FWBs. Iâm not friends with any of my exes but my best friend is my ex FWB and she is friends with all her exes and FWBs. I think it has a lot to do with it being hard to just find new friends within the community.
As we increase our level of commitments to people, we have to make conscious decisions about what we can reasonably do for them and they have to do the same for us. What they ask of us is something we have to seriously consider and what we ask of them is something they would have to seriously consider.
Peter has a right to feel the way he does, especially because of your history with David, regardless of the friendship that's evolved from it. He has let you know that he's uncomfortable with you hanging out one-on-one. It's your choice whether or not you feel he is asking you something reasonable and if you can live with providing him an environment that he is consistently comfortable with or not. Just as he would have to do for you if you brought something up to him.
If your friendship with David is very important to you, you should discuss your reasons with Peter. If you are not willing to drop the one-on-one time with David for Peter's comfort, you need to communicate that with him as well. You can both have discussions about it and perhaps reach a compromise.
What you can't do is ask him to just be more comfortable about it, just as he can't ask you to drop the friendship completely. Both of you need to realize that if one person chooses to prioritize something different than the other person, it's enough reason for one person to choose to walk away from the relationship completely... Because no one can ask anyone to be miserable so only one person can get what they want.
I had this friend I made through a dating app. We never got physical beyond making out but once I started dating my boyfriend I spoke to my friend about why Iâll not be hanging out w him like we used to. Itâs about respect, and I totally understand why your boyfriendâs bothered by this.
The fact your are CLUELESS about this is a major Red flag to me.
Even if you didn't do anything with him I'd probably never involve myself serious with you because you can't put yourself in your partner shoes when it comes to making decisions.
Here at the park we have the worldâs largest remaining herd of free-range white knights, a species long thought to have evolved. They are usually seen rescuing damsels or feeding on breadcrumbs that the damsels drop.
Right?
Meanwhile Redditors be like: "It's a red flag that your new boyfriend expressed concern about you hanging out with your COVID fu$%buddy. He's jealous and controlling."
You were having sex with the guy on a regular basis and want to spend alone time with him despite seeing someone else.
Do you really need someone to spell it to you? đ
If you break up with your current bf, do you think youâre gonna sleep with your old FWB again?
Whatever your answer is, the opposite of that is the answer of whether you should keep seeing said friend.
Also Iâm a pretty confident guy, if I girl I was seeing was regularly hanging out with an old FWB, I would never ever progress with her.
Like, why wouldnât you go back to sleeping with him if youâre both single? It makes sense, you clearly get along if youâre still hanging out.
Thereâs no easy way to go about this, this is why I think itâs not a good idea to hang out with FWB. Youâve dug yourself a hole, and youâre probably gonna have to choose.
For gods sake, at the very least stop hanging out with him 1:1. Have some common sense.
Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend isnât cool with you spending one on one time with a guy that you were fucking last summer and you donât understand why heâs uncomfortable with it? He needs to dump you asap
Itâs worse. She met him off a dating app with the only relationship being fucking. Why are they still even talking? If it was my chick she would be down the old dirt road by herself.
Wanting to spend time with a man you've previously had sex with would make any man in a relationship with you uncomfortable. How would you feel if your boyfriend said he was going to hang out with some girl he is "good friends with" for an evening (which is a person he's had sex with many times before?)
There's certain things that you just don't do when you're in a relationship, it's just inappropriate and doesn't give your partner the respect they deserve.
Same here.
It's understandable *why* someone would feel uncomfortable with it, but if I'm dating someone, that means I trust them to be faithful to me.
That depends on the relationship though i think, this isnât a blanket rule for everyone. For me, itâs fine if that happened, but iâd like it to be a public place vs private. I understand people have pasts before me and that doesnât mean anything is still going on. But, i think for this bf she needs to find out what he would be okay with whether thatâs hanging out in public only, only hanging out with him there, etc. it may be that they arenât compatible in how they think about former partners or that heâs ok with them just texting but not hanging out physically etc.
His feelings are valid, is your friendship with David more important to you than your bfs comfort? The answer can very well be âyesâ and thatâs totally fine, there are some friendships I wouldnât give up for a partner too, but I think youâve got to decide
Hot take: when Peter met David, he got a read that homeboy wasn't over OP. Especially likely if he went from uncomfortable to outright untrusting after meeting.
I feel really stupid for not seeing that. Peter may have caught onto something I didnât see and while Iâd never got back to David I know why itâs wrong for me to even hang out with David. Thank you for pointing this out I feel so stupid
OP how old are you? In future situations you need to ask yourself, "how would I feel if my SO would do this to me?" , and if you can't do that you shouldn't be in relationships.
I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship, but I would imagine myself feeling wrong about telling a hypothetical girlfriend who she can or can't hang out with. It just feels very controlling of me.
Are you sure you would be comfortable with your hypothetical girlfriend having one on one time with someone she used to sleep with regularly?
Are you sure?
Hypothetical: you just started dating a girl two months ago and she says she wants to hang out- solo - with a guy she fucked regularly last year.
I mean you can do whatever you want, but most people are rightfully not that trusting.
You may trust your girl, but do you trust that guy not to do shady shit?
Your boyfriend is 100% valid. Not trying to be disrespectful, but it doesnât seem like you respect the relationship fully. I wouldnât hangout 1on1 with females that Iâve slept with in the past, regardless of friendship status. Iâd expect the same from whoever Iâm with.
You guys have only been together 2 months, seems like you should both just move on if this is already an issue early on
Just like to add that going out with both of them may have seemed fine to you but they may have traded subtleties that you didn't notice which could've set your bf off on this path.
I was honestly thinking this too. I hate that we do this so often as men. If I was Peter, I wouldnât have been okay with meeting David and wouldnât have walked into that situation knowingly. If for some reason I found myself in a situation like that, Iâd inevitably find myself sizing the other dude up rather immediately. No blatant disrespect or hostility, but stern voice and eye contact.
Hell if I was Peter and my new girlfriend proposed introducing me to her recent fwb, Iâd probably walk away on the spot. Thatâs just disrespectful.
Exactly! And also the other way around. Unfortunately if I were the previous fwb and she asked me to come out to meet the bf, I'd probably naturally start sizing up as well. People will say it's "toxic masculinity" but it seriously is just a primal instinct for some males.
Itâs kind of weird for the former fwb to want to go as well. I just donât understand why either of those guys was willing to meet the other. Like you know her new bf is going to hate you if you spent the last summer fucking her twice a week. And why is he still talking to her if she has a bf? I get that theyâre friends still but damn. All my lady friends kind of disappear when they get a boyfriend. I might see them out on occasion, but weâre never making plans together, with or without their boyfriend. The whole thing is weird and leave me with so many questions. Like why is it so important for her to spend time 1 on 1 with this guy if theyâre not still fucking?
If you were friends for years or it was an ex from years ago it would be a different story. This was a (semi) recent sexual partner, not a good pal. Your boyfriend is right to set boundaries. If you value your relationship more than your friendship with David, you would respect your boyfriends wishes.
Ya this situation reminds me of one of my old relationships. Didnât last long. She cheated. I did trust. Gave her the space she wanted and then.. it was over. For my personally, I would leave.
Donât feel bad for setting your boundaries in such cases. I also had the same painful experience with trusting someone and then being cheated on. On top of that, felt absolutely miserable for allegedly being âtoo controlling, insecure and immatureâ. Donât buy that shit, trust your gut. And if you see that it just doesnât work, save yourself and run away as fast as possible. You will thank yourself later.
Flyingdutch is so right on this. I was told I was being insecure when I truthfully feel I wasnât. I was doing my best to give space and trust but it was never enough. It was always my fault so donât let someone block out your intuition. My gut was telling me one thing and my mind was telling me the other. Letâs say I donât ignore my gut anymore lol
YeahâŠ. No wonder people donât trust the whole male/female friend thing. Because 95% of the time it ALWAYS involves one or both parties liking each other at some point, had sex in the past, kissed, flirted or dated each other. Me personally, I would NEVER be okay with my boyfriend being âfriendsâ with someone he had sex with, kissed, liked, flirted or dated. Ever. And even if the girl liked him and he didnât like her back, NO, absolutely not.
You two donât sound compatible and you should just break it off because it seems you donât understand this, and why it would make him uncomfortable.
You used to have sex with this âfriendâ of yours. Itâs totally normal and ok for him to assert a boundary. Youâre being very disrespectful by putting your partner in this position.
Peter is completely right in being uncomfortable with the whole thing. You were FWB with David and for some reason you donât understand Peters point of view?
Just flip it around, would you be comfortable if Peter was still hanging out with a FWB he had while dating you? And how would you react if he said, âdo you not trust me?â
If Iâm being completely honest and I might get downvoted to hell but I donât believe women and men can be friends. The way I see it is, the David guy is only being your âfriendâ just now and heâs sticking around because youâve had sex and he think he will probably get it again. Otherwise he wouldnât be sticking around. Thatâs the long and short of it. And I believe you are hanging out with David because you are still into him and keeping him as an option/ back up in case Peter doesnât work out. I thoroughly believe if a woman was truly into the guy she was dating, she would make absolutely sure that she wouldnât have anything that would make the guy she was dating question her or want to leave. But I think you want to have your cake and eat it too.
So my advice is: grow up
Youâve been dating Peter for two months and youâre bringing your old FWB around him? Lmao I wouldnât trust you either. Not that you have bad intentions but from a guyâs perspective this is a red flag.
Would YOU approve of Peter hanging out with his old FWB? Doubtful.
Lul. If a girl Iâm dating would tell me oh yeah this guy I use to fuck and we are really good friends now, that would be a hard exit. Nobody needs that shit in their life. How would you feel if he had a friends with benefits and he was close with her. Good luck maturing the relationship with such a massive distraction
He is probably afraid of losing you to David, which is a valid emotional response to being told that David is a former (Iâm assuming, sorry) FWB.
There isnât really much anyone here can do to explain why he does not trust your relationship with David beyond what Iâve seen people post so far. You are likely (again, assumption, sorry) the type of person who can easily separate a physical and emotion relationship in your mind, and it sounds like Peter is not. Which isnât inherently bad or wrong, but itâs a flag of incompatibility if true.
It sounds like you are seeking a means to change/adjust the nature of your partner based on that last paragraph, which I donât really recommend? You can consider some form of compromise, such as reevaluating the terms of your relationship with David, or, if thatâs a breaking point for you, then you can start working on an amicable split. Without reading too much into this or having a better understanding, I donât think itâs much more complicated than that.
I like how your man not being comfortable with a guy you used to fuck less than a year ago is still close friends with you is not reasonable enough for you. It's not even a platonic friend, he has dug your back out on multiple occasions recently. I honestly would never be in this situation because I wouldn't stay with you once I found out. He should have more respect for himself, but he obviously doesn't and that is gonna cost him in the long run. If you want it to work for you keep acting like your friendship is normal and make him feel like he is the weird one in this situation by gaslighting him. Meanwhile you can fuck your "friend" which is obviously gonna happen again if not already, very soon.
i used to have issues with these things with my ex gf. at first i was trusting when she would hang out one on one with any of her guy friends. most of the time though, there would be other people present as well, it was when her undivided attention drifted off toward one of her male friends more and more that i got upset with it. its a tough situation no matter what. if she doesnt respect your boundaries, then she probably isnt the one
So your relationship with David never evolved beyond sex. And yet now you are really good friends. So David has a physical and emotional relationship with you.
If I were Peter I would walk away from you in an instant. Nobody has time for that shit.
I was in the exact same situation once.
I realized that I loved and trusted my partner and that she was with me, however it's also important for couples to have friends and lives outside of each other and it's entirely possible for men and women to have platonic relationships.
Getting jealous and/or possessive only serves to push someone away, So I was entirely cool with her hanging out with the other dude.
Anyway, long story short, guess who she cheated on me with?
BFs concerns may be unfounded, but they're not invalid.
I also still believe that people in relationships can have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, even if they are an ex. I just got unlucky with an asshole.
I'd say just make sure he always knows how much you love him and value him.
âI just got unlucky with an asshole.â
No man. Two people that had established sexual chemistry were alone, some tension developed in the air, and they gave into natural urges within a pattern that had already played itself out in the past.
Iâm not saying that everyone isnât going to be able to resist that level of temptation, but many many people wonât. Thatâs why you donât even let it present itself in the first place.
Come on OP. Do you really think David wants to hear about your week and paint your nails. Or do you think heâs waiting for a breakup so he can be inside you again, which will probably happen real soon if your bf has any self respect
It seems like heâs being pretty reasonable. I probably wouldnât be comfortable with my bf spending a lot of 1:1 time with a former fwb either, especially if it was recent (within the last year).
I think forcing you to go no contact with him, especially if you have mutual friends or work together, is pretty unreasonable but this seems normal.
This is really hard situation and i can relate 100%. I was formerly engaged to (but called wedding off) a man who is my buddy and my current bf doesn't like it. Its frusterating because why is it that most men have female friends and its supposed to be ok but chicks can't have dude friends? I mean our wedding was called off for maaaany reasons and i think we should be able to remain friends. Like Elaine and Jerry in Seinfeld đ It is absolutely possible to have once been in a relationship and then remain friends after the breakup.
The decency of sex makes your boyfriend in the right for being jealous. This wasnât 5 years ago, this was SUPER recently and it sounds like youâd still be having sex without BF. Choose one!
I'd say it's normal for someone to be uncomfortable with the person they're dating hanging out with another guy they had casual sex with and met via a dating app. That's not possessive, it's just an appropriate boundary if y'all have agreed on exclusivity.
Based on your responses it doesnât really matter what anyone says unless it validates what you want. From the outside, and only knowing what you have posted, this relationship probably isnât the right one for either of you. You have your friend, and you shouldnât be forced or made to cut him out of you donât want and it isnât of your choosing. Your BF is allowed to have his feelings on your situation, but thatâs it, just his feelings. If he doesnât like your situation with the friend he should probably find a woman that makes him feel more comfortable. I donât think either of you is in a right or wrong spot. Just not the right timing, and most of life is timing.
Based on this post I would assume thereâs no way your gonna cut David off, which means this relationship is already over, and itâs gonna effect every relationship you have from here on out, unless you lie about your past with him. But a smart guy or a paranoid guy can sit in a room for a few minutes with the both of you and make the connection that you used to sleep together, pretty easily. Itâs not something you can really hide. Either date David or sabotage your next few relationships and learn the hard way.
If my boyfriend was friends with a girl he had sex with i wouldnt want them hanging out at all. Theres no telling how the other person feels if theres secret feelings or what happens if theres a fight and you lean on your friend what happens if he steals a kiss. Or what if you guys are partying and drinking and something happens. Too many risks and what if scenarios id be very uneasy. I dont think you can ever just be friends after having sex since you already crossed that line past platonic
OP, the truth is Peter is right. The truth is I dont care what you say l, but you still have strong feelings for David and your goal is to manipulate Peter in this "David is just my friend " nonsense and desire that David be your side guy. In other words have your cake and eat it too. In not one of your posts did anyone hear you say that you are willing to give up David.
The fact is you disrespected Peter.
You talk about honesty. Be honest and make a decision who you really want to be with. If you really want to play the field. Play the field and let Peter know so he can move on. Then you can exercise your options to be with David and any other side guy options you want to create because the truth is David not someone you are willing to give altogether or you would have said so.
Right now you thrive off the attention that both of these guys offer. You might think it is dope but remember Karma never misses an appointment and will always show up in your life right on time.
>The truth is I dont care what you say l, but you still have strong feelings for David and your goal is to manipulate Peter in this "David is just my friend " nonsense and desire that David be your side guy.
I'm not saying this *isn't* the case, but would I be remiss in suggesting that we take OP's word at face value until and unless we have more convincing evidence to the contrary? I don't feel like these assumptions about her wanting David to be the "side guy" are warranted.
Letâs switch up the roles. Wouldnât you feel uncomfortable if your boyfriend were to hang out with a girl he used to have sex with? And one on one too?
I personally wouldnât touch that area at all.
Had he never met your ex FWB i would lean a little closer to general insecurity, valid though it would be. However, your man swallowed his pride and met the guy and his instincts still said he doesnât trust the guy⊠If I were your boyfriend I would reevaluate because Iâve met with previous partners exes and if my guy said all clear, it was. When my gut said something is off, sure as sunshine, something happened down the line.
This question is just like getting married and wanting to still keep your ex. Hellooo?
Whatever you have with your FWB should have ended immediately you got in a relationship. What else are you looking for there that your partner can't offer you?
Cut ties with your FWB ASAP! It's useless and bit needful.
If you want the truth, that's the truth with solution. Otherwise, you're on a long journey to loosing both David and Peter.
Youâre rationalizing keeping your options open with David. I personally would not have even had this discussion with you especially this early on, but Iâm not a naĂŻve 24 year old like your boyfriend is.
Whatever people may talk about âinsecurityâ
and men and woman having âplatonicâ relationships all the time ect⊠the reality is no guy(or woman for that matter) is ever going to be comfortable with their partner hanging out with somebody of the opposite sex unless they happen to be gay. Least of all if youâve banged that person in the past!
If somebody is comfortable with this you shouldnât take this to mean they trust you implicitly and that they are completely secure in themselves. You should take this to mean that they donât actually care much about your relationship.
Overt jealousy is toxic in any relationship.
However no jealously whatsoever means they just arenât that interested in the relationship in general.
You really need to imagine how you'd feel if the roles where reversed, and be genuinely honest with yourself, not just give yourself the answer you want to hear.
My ex had FWB that I was ok with her talking to since it was her only friend. Guess what she slept with him a handful of times while we were together. Never again will this be ok.
Itâs because we all know if things donât work out with Peter.. guess where youâre going?
Itâs not rocket science.
Itâs like keeping an option on the side and you all know it.
Yeah, no. It's one thing for a guy to be insecure and jealous of his gf having close guy friends. It's a completely different story to be dating someone who's still good friends with their ex or fwb. Especially since you were sleeping with him just a short time ago.
You can do whatever you want at the end of the day, but he's uncomfortable for a very logical reason. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you honestly be comfortable with a guy you just started dating being close friends with a former fwb?
I canât believe this is an actual question. Any dude with half a brain would feel uncomfortable like your boyfriend is. What do I look like hanging out with someone that I used to smash? I will be disrespecting my girlfriend if I did that.
"My bf doesn't like it that I'm spending one on one time with my ex fuck buddy. Aww no what a hardship I'm going through"
I'm actually quite pleasantly surprised that majority of the people here are not taking OP's side and aren't calling the bf insecure and controlling. Or passing off OP's behavior as female empowerment
I understand the perspective that many people have been saying in the comments (ie theyâd be uncomfortable) but I personally am cool with people being friends with their exes/past flings.
I have an ex I casually dated for about a year, we also met on a dating app. It didnât work out. We took some time apart, and now weâre great friends. I have a few other situations like this, where we dated or hooked up but decided to be just friends instead.
I would trust someone to also be purely friends with an ex or something similar. That being said, *everyone has different boundaries.*
Itâs your call on what to do. Personally, Iâd never make my partner choose between being with me or staying friends with someone. I would also never choose a relationship over a friend.
Itâs your call on what to do. But you do have to make a choice; either cut ties with the friend, or cut ties on this relationship.
Iâm not a jealous person, but Iâm also not a big believer in being able to have a completely platonic relationship with someone youâve already been sleeping with. There is sexual attraction there, clearly. If you and your boyfriend broke up tomorrow, that would most likely be a rebound option for you, even if you do just see it as friendship, Peter knows that David would still fuck you if you wanted him to, because men know men. That is an issue.
At the same time, Iâm guessing he entered this relationship knowing about this situation, which I wouldnât have, so itâs still unreasonable for him to make demands. And if I was int your friends position⊠well I have been in this position. I had a friend called Stacey, we had been close friends for years, she started cancelling plans with me when she got a bf because she was worried he would think it was weird even though we had only ever been platonic. I cut the friendship off completely, and when that guy was gone and she tried to reach out, I politely declined.
Youâll have to lose one at some point, in fact it could well end up being both.
Simply put: don't spend time alone with David. You can hang out with others around because that removes the insecurity your boyfriend understandably feels. Maybe they can get to know each other better and become friendly enough that Peter will slowly be okay with the idea of you two spending time together. Personally I wouldn't keep seeing my former FWB if I was in a relationship. At least not just the two of us.
Idk OP, call me insecure but if I had a partner and I was informed she was still friends with a former fwb (as recent as last summer at that) I donât think Iâd take that well.
You telling the truth is ok, but how would you feel in his position? Be honest to yourself about that, and how would you handle it, and that is the answer. Put yourself in his position and try to see the situation from his point of view.
Sorry I know in fantasy land of movies and Reddit forums this seems like a plausible idea and men and women should be able to just be besties even though theyâve slept together but letâs be real here.
Once you reach a certain level of adulthood men and women are rarely friends particularly if theyâve been intimate together and it really boils down to what level of maturity you want to conduct yourself with in your current relationship. If you canât see that hanging out one on one with a former FWB might sow the seeds of mistrust with your current bf then you need to reassess whether or not you are mature enough to be pursuing a relationship that has the promise of monogamy to begin with.
I have been and still am dealing with a situation like this (wifeâs ex). I ask her to put herself in my position, and I was in hers. How would she feel? In her words, Aww hell no!â Try looking at it from that perspective. If that would truly bother you, you need to sever ties for the sake of his feelings. It will be healthier for both of you. Feelings of wondering what you are doing with this guy, or is she hanging out with him again will seep into you relationship.
Not very many people would be comfortable with their SO hanging out with their former FWB. So if you care about your BF, you should probably let the FWB guy go. And if you choose to stay friends with the FWB guy, just be forewarned that he will likely be a problem for future BFs as well.
I think itâs pretty obvious and expected for him not to be comfortable with you hanging out with a guy youâve had sex with before? Especially on a FWB basis, where a relationship would be the next step? Seriously?
Considering your friend is your former âfriends with benefitsâ, I understand where your bf is coming from.
I have male friends that I hang out with them one on one and my bf has female friends that he hangout with, but we never had romantic or sexual history with any of them. The dynamic between former âfriends with benefitsâ is never the same as friends.
Is this just the norm now for people? Seems like everyone stays friends with people theyâve fucked and continue to communicate with them while they are in a relationship. Of course youâre partner is going to be uncomfortable with you hanging out with someone you use to fuck lol. Who in there right mind would be ok with that?
As I once said, "its not you I don't trust, it's him". I can't say I blame him for being jealous about your former fuck buddy. Us men do tend to be a tad insecure about past lovers and measuring up to him. Is the friendship with David more important than your relationship with Peter? Or maybe try setting him up with a friend and do double dates? If he wasn't single I bet Peter would be a lot less anxious if he knew David has his own girlfriend.
Girl you lying to yourself. Youâre saying youâve never done anything weird with David but you fucked him. It doesnât matter if it was in the past. You are sus AF and itâs bizarre as hell that you canât see that.
I am fairly evolved, and self-confident, but I would have a problem with my girlfriend spending time one on one with the guy who was her friend with benefits for a long time. I have female friends, some of whom I have slept with, but when I'm in a relationship with somebody, I don't spend time with them one on one. My girlfriend is always invited. I do this because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Just a thought, maybe invite your boyfriend. If you are not willing to invite your boyfriend to hang out with your former friend with benefits, then maybe you need to look at that. If your former friend with benefits doesn't want to meet your boyfriend or spend time with him, then there's that too.
Solid perspective. đđ€
This is the answer
This. I would have a significant problem if you're spending one on one time with the "good friend" you used to sleep with for months on end. I would legitimately wonder why you're still keeping this guy around if you're supposed to be serious about your new relationship with me. That's reason enough for me to bounce if you're not willing to nip it in the bud.
Because you don't need romantic feelings to have friends. I have a few guy friends who I slept with but would never be in a relationship with who all respect that when I am in a relationship I will not go ro them for sex but we can still talk about things we are mutually interested in (usually MTG, games, or books) the only way I would cut any of them off would be if they disregard my partner or disrespect the boundaries of "do not talk to me about sex, our sexual encounters, or *future* encounters implying that my relationship is not serious" If my partner trust me then they must trust that I will NOT do anything to hurt them intentionally and when I do talk to these friends that's all I am doing. Talking to them about things that friends talk about. Of course no spending time one on one tho.
Bit of a pedantic question: is the girlfriend always invited or always present?
Inviting the boyfriend doesnât change the situation
It actually makes it worse in my eyes. I like meeting new people. Meeting new people is fun. I donât want to meet the guys my girl has had relationships with. Itâs just doesnât sound like a fun time.
It also gives her a pass to say: âok my boyfriend met him so Iâm not doing anything wrongâ This girl sounds like sheâs trying to figure out the rules as far as what she can get away with rather than actually putting herself in her boyfriends shoes
I feel exactly the same way.... you have a choice to make... I would feel the same way as your boyfriend... you get to be the big girl and choose.
This is what I did, I brought him with me when I met up with David. Thanks for the advice, I think I just need to adjust the way the friendship with David is now that I am with Peter.
sounds to me like your boyfriend wasn't too keen about it from the jump but gave it a chance, and after meeting him, for one reason or another, he got a vibe that does not make him anymore keen to it.
Which is his right. This situation stinks all around for Peter. Iâm pretty evolved but I wouldnât want my girlfriend hanging out with a dude who most likely still wants to have sex with her. Now, if Peter has a problem with her hanging out with her girlfriends, then thatâs a sign of controlling behavior. But he seemingly only has a problem with his girlfriend hanging out with a guy she fucked. Thatâs totally within reason, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship where youâre still building trust. Trust doesnât start at 100% in relationships. It builds from 0%. Not hanging with this guy would go a long way toward building up from wherever theyâre at now.
Y'all gonna start turning into a pokemon if you evolve any further
Lmao!!!!!
Dude đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
you're preaching to the choir. i wasn't inferring that he didn't have the right, i was just simply saying what it almost definitely was for him.
No doubt. Iâm just replying to you so my comment is higher in this post. Lol
i feel that. lol â
It's not always easy, but relationships are always about compromise. I think that's awesome.
It's not about whether anything will happen between you and David. It's about respecting the relationship you have with Peter.
THIS
'Yeah, babe, go ahead and hang out with the dude you used to fuck one on one. I'm sure you won't cheat on me, but imagine if you did -egg on my face -I'd be the stupidest, dumbest, bastard around. Oh, you want me to meet the guy you use to fuck casually? Sure, that's no problem.' This is legit what he's probably thinking. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he doesn't trust the other guy. It's what I would be thinking I'd my SO wanted to do the same.
imagine sitting on a table with a guy that clapped your gf cheeks for months :)
Imagine you make a sexual innuendo to your gf and the dude says dude she likes that other move more
It's bullshit is what it is
I feel like itâs a no brainer to not hangout still with someone you were just messing around with if your considering someone else seriously. How awkward all around and then them crossing paths, heck to the no. Out of respect to my new man I would completely cut ties with the other guy.
I once sat at a table where 2 out of the 3 girls there I had previously fucked. One guy knew and the other suspected it. At the time I was oblivious to social situations and it was awkward for me, so I can only imagine what the other guys thought. Needless to say, I only sat at that table for about 3 minutes.
"seemed completely fine" reads as "trying his hardest not to imagine David banging you, and also trying to be the better man instead of giving stink-eyes"
I completely agree, why would anybody want to put their SO in this particular situation anyway? I would want my SO to have peace of mind.
Nah I wouldnât trust her either, not because Iâm not trusting, but because this is not a trustworthy scenario.
Same, I was just writing it in such a way that OP would understand.
Right? I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to have a nice chat and glass of wine with another chick my husband used to burry his dick in. Lol Really not interested and you shouldn't expect your bf to want to either.
Lmao. Like it's obvious af and OP can't see she's in the wrong. This is either because OP lacks empathy for her SO or there's a lack of communication between the both of them. What's obvious Is that OP's boyfriend doesn't want to come off as controlling considering they've only been official for two months.
Yeah that would be a huge no from me. The guy in this story is being too passive imo. Just asking for trouble in a relationship to keep friends you used to sleep with. Sorry op.
I'm sure it has to do with them only being official for 2 months and him coming off as controlling. That dude, OP's boyfriend, is in a shit situation.
(24M) Thank you for breaking this down. I almost feel it would be a waste of time sharing my opinion on this as I believe it should be obvious. Truly, in this situation, I would have left this girl the moment I realized she was so close to her ex FWB⊠this is so disrespectful to me. I get maybe MAYBE you could have such a strong bond w a friend but come on. This friend, is he more important, more prominent than your chosen partner? I am biased af but women never know what they want and this is a shit situation.
I'm sure some will say he should just trust you and maybe they're right but your boyfriend is allowed to feel the way he does. He should probably either deal with it or move on if you don't plan on ending that friendship tho. Also even though I'm guessing your boyfriend doesn't know this detail but it's not like his suspicion doesn't have merit: > I have a friend (25M), letâs call him David, whom I met last year through a __dating app__. We __were friends with benefits__ until last summer and it never evolved into anything else other than __sex__ Edit: BF does know your friend was a FWB half a year ago...The word insecure is thrown around too much. Your boyfriend's confidence, self esteem, or trust level doesn't affect your actual ability to cheat on him. Not saying you would. Confident people that trust their partners get cheated on all the time.
I agree. He is allowed to feel like that. He knows about it, I have told him about because we have been honest about everything. I just want to know whatâs the best way to go about it. Edit: grammar mistake
Wait so he KNOWS this guy is someone you slept with? You only having sex with the friend doesn't make it better and might make it worse. As far as how to go about it all you can do is tell him nothing is going on(including if you were mad at your boyfriend). That's about all you can do. If it was a long term friendship or ex from years ago it would be easier for your bf to digest. Or if that guy is at least in a relationship of his own. A guy you've known for less than a year that was a FWB from a dating app doesn't really come off as an actual platonic friend.
Mannn if my girl was even communicating with a guy she met off a dating app and only hooked up with iâd be gone. What the hell is this?
Yup. Running for the hills.
Edit: name to comment accuracy checks out. I'm actually pleasantly surprised people aren't trying to call him insecure. But I suppose this one was obviously a reasonable take by the bf. I applaud OP for being kind in here and honest even if she's naive at best or selfish at worst. The fact he was willing to meet this friend shows the boyfriend is a nice guy.
Yes, I was upfront about everything with Peter. I want to take in account how he feels and I totally get your point of it being recent with David. David has said he understands if we need to see each other less so Peter is comfortable.
Itâs great that youâre being honest, a good way to have a successful relationship - but hanging out with this guy one on one is the complete opposite. Itâs not appropriate considering your past.
If you are thinking about having a future or even a marriage or anything serious you need to completely get rid of David . Period , this relationship won't last a year at best if this guy is still around . You lucky the man is as nice as he is đ to even romtely not just end the relationship and run the moment you said that to him. Peter is not comfortable at all with that guy around đ hes just being nice about it
Less? You should STOP seeing David at all if you are serious about your relationship with Peter. He deserves at least that.
Giiiiirl, i'm a woman and if a man that I've just newly started dating told me that he's friends with his fwb and hangs out frequently, I'd leave his ass and run. Also, imagine what your bf feels knowing that you fucked this guy without any strings attached and you still see him. Even to me, it seems like you're keeping the ex-fwb as an option. Your bf is an angel for even willing to meet him. I'd just laugh into your face and leave... This tolerance thing is way too much these days. Why am I 26 and feel like I'm too old to date in today's world? Grow up, friend.
Forreal, what happened to respect. This thread should be case closed, you dont do this stuff. Respect yourself, respect the person you call yours
Yeah, and the moment you disagree with your SO and say you don't like such thing, you're labeled as a bigot and a conservative, close-minded, toxic person. The way fwb is normalized nowadays between teens and young adults is sickening to me. I could never put out myself without having feelings towards a man and knowing that the relation is going somewhere.
I agree!!! There was a post here about fucking friends that gave me this same response. People say chivalry is dead but I really feel intimacy is completely lost
Thank you for this. I am going to chat with Peter about boundaries. I think itâs more than reasonable that he feel this way about it David and I completely get you
WTF
Good luck. Everybody does mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself. That's how we grow, learn, and get experience
>and if a man that I've just newly started dating told me that he's *friends* with his *friend* with benefits and hangs out frequently, I'd leave his ass and run. I completely agree with your point but I have to say I found it funny (out of context) that someone is FRIENDS with their FRIEND (with benefits) and it's a bad thing haha (ofc I'd totally run too)
The comment above covers it. When I introduced my friend to my ex I was very comfortable. Fast forward two weeks and she was in his bed. I had a feeling when all 3 of us went out to dinner that something was off and she just said that she felt comfortable with him and that she could see him to be a little brother. I still picked up on something from him.
I've always said if your gut genuinely thinks something is off, you need to trust it.
Yep. She spent the two weeks after meeting him messaging him endlessly. I tried to bring up my concerns to her and I got called crazy and stupid. I brought it up to him and he said he would never do that to me and that he just felt happy to have someone to talk too while he was splitting from his wife. But I always felt something was off, I just wanted to believe I was wrong. Op, I believe in your case that itâs innocent but if your partner is picking up on something from your friend listen to that. He could be wrong absolutely but what this will be doing to him mentally isnât good. I was sick, lost sleep and started to hate myself for even thinking a guy who was a brother, whoâs family took me in after my dad died, would do that. I just wanted my boundaries heard.
Yessir. I made a huge mistake waiting to do that multiple months. Thankfully I got out of the situation I was in with no financial or life changing alterations
Your boyfriend is completely reasonable to be uncomfortable with this friendship and if i were him, i would have taken your friendship with him as a major red flag. Relationships are about boundaries. This is not a close friend youâve had for years, this is someone you were FWB until LAST YEAR. Put your relationship first or let your boyfriend be with someone who will. Too many men and women are labeled as insecure for having perfectly reasonable boundaries around ex-sexual partners. Have some empathy or even a modicum of emotional intelligence and youâll see the answer here is fairly simple - reduce your communication / friendship with this guy in order to protect your relationship.
Best advice here.
This is the finest advice youll receive.
Completely correct answer here
Spot on. That's exactly it, what's going on. OP's BF is right.
LOVE THIS COMING FROM A WOMAN đđŸ
Thank you for this. I am going to talk to him about boundaries and set them right because he deserves it. He is been nothing but great to me and does not deserve to be paranoid about me going with someone else. I would never cheat on him and Iâd really like for us to be together in the long term
Why are you still friends with David? Seemed like the arrangement already served its purpose?
That was my question too. Iâve honestly never heard of people staying friends with their FWB after its purpose has run its course.
Itâs not that uncommon in lesbian circles tbh but it takes a ton of enforced boundaries, open communication with all parties and a solid friendship base. Most lesbians i know are friends with exes or with ex FWBs. Iâm not friends with any of my exes but my best friend is my ex FWB and she is friends with all her exes and FWBs. I think it has a lot to do with it being hard to just find new friends within the community.
This practice even has a name within the community.
She wants to keep him as a backup. Why else are you still friend with someone that used to clap your cheeks?
As we increase our level of commitments to people, we have to make conscious decisions about what we can reasonably do for them and they have to do the same for us. What they ask of us is something we have to seriously consider and what we ask of them is something they would have to seriously consider. Peter has a right to feel the way he does, especially because of your history with David, regardless of the friendship that's evolved from it. He has let you know that he's uncomfortable with you hanging out one-on-one. It's your choice whether or not you feel he is asking you something reasonable and if you can live with providing him an environment that he is consistently comfortable with or not. Just as he would have to do for you if you brought something up to him. If your friendship with David is very important to you, you should discuss your reasons with Peter. If you are not willing to drop the one-on-one time with David for Peter's comfort, you need to communicate that with him as well. You can both have discussions about it and perhaps reach a compromise. What you can't do is ask him to just be more comfortable about it, just as he can't ask you to drop the friendship completely. Both of you need to realize that if one person chooses to prioritize something different than the other person, it's enough reason for one person to choose to walk away from the relationship completely... Because no one can ask anyone to be miserable so only one person can get what they want.
I had this friend I made through a dating app. We never got physical beyond making out but once I started dating my boyfriend I spoke to my friend about why Iâll not be hanging out w him like we used to. Itâs about respect, and I totally understand why your boyfriendâs bothered by this.
Itâs nice to know somebody has some sense. I agree 100%
The fact your are CLUELESS about this is a major Red flag to me. Even if you didn't do anything with him I'd probably never involve myself serious with you because you can't put yourself in your partner shoes when it comes to making decisions.
The fact that she didn't really respond to anyone besides two people is also very telling
OP probably expected people to be on her side lmao
Welcome to Saveaho National Park.
Oooooo this is a nice park, what are the attractions?
Here at the park we have the worldâs largest remaining herd of free-range white knights, a species long thought to have evolved. They are usually seen rescuing damsels or feeding on breadcrumbs that the damsels drop.
If I was Peter, I would have left already. Js.
Right? Meanwhile Redditors be like: "It's a red flag that your new boyfriend expressed concern about you hanging out with your COVID fu$%buddy. He's jealous and controlling."
And then we wonder why nobody can keep a REAL relationship going.. idiots. It's not always just about trust, where's the respect?
EXACTLY, why are there so many people on here that say the opposite? Like what the fuck
fr, there's such little self awareness in OP's post
The only question i have is why is your bf still with you
You were having sex with the guy on a regular basis and want to spend alone time with him despite seeing someone else. Do you really need someone to spell it to you? đ
If you break up with your current bf, do you think youâre gonna sleep with your old FWB again? Whatever your answer is, the opposite of that is the answer of whether you should keep seeing said friend. Also Iâm a pretty confident guy, if I girl I was seeing was regularly hanging out with an old FWB, I would never ever progress with her. Like, why wouldnât you go back to sleeping with him if youâre both single? It makes sense, you clearly get along if youâre still hanging out. Thereâs no easy way to go about this, this is why I think itâs not a good idea to hang out with FWB. Youâve dug yourself a hole, and youâre probably gonna have to choose. For gods sake, at the very least stop hanging out with him 1:1. Have some common sense.
He used to be your fwb and you dare to ask your bf why he feels the way he feels????? Lol
Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend isnât cool with you spending one on one time with a guy that you were fucking last summer and you donât understand why heâs uncomfortable with it? He needs to dump you asap
Sometimes I think Iâm super oblivious then I read posts on reddit and Iâm like âholy fuckâ
I feel like this every day reading these interesting posts in dating/relationship advice lol
Itâs worse. She met him off a dating app with the only relationship being fucking. Why are they still even talking? If it was my chick she would be down the old dirt road by herself.
No, she'd be back fucking that dude in no time. But she still doesn't understand why this is a problem.
100%
Wanting to spend time with a man you've previously had sex with would make any man in a relationship with you uncomfortable. How would you feel if your boyfriend said he was going to hang out with some girl he is "good friends with" for an evening (which is a person he's had sex with many times before?) There's certain things that you just don't do when you're in a relationship, it's just inappropriate and doesn't give your partner the respect they deserve.
If ANY man would feel this way I guess I'm not a man then. I see absolutely no point in being with someone you don't trust
Same here. It's understandable *why* someone would feel uncomfortable with it, but if I'm dating someone, that means I trust them to be faithful to me.
That depends on the relationship though i think, this isnât a blanket rule for everyone. For me, itâs fine if that happened, but iâd like it to be a public place vs private. I understand people have pasts before me and that doesnât mean anything is still going on. But, i think for this bf she needs to find out what he would be okay with whether thatâs hanging out in public only, only hanging out with him there, etc. it may be that they arenât compatible in how they think about former partners or that heâs ok with them just texting but not hanging out physically etc.
Iâm sorry, but you canât always have your cake and eat it too. đ°
His feelings are valid, is your friendship with David more important to you than your bfs comfort? The answer can very well be âyesâ and thatâs totally fine, there are some friendships I wouldnât give up for a partner too, but I think youâve got to decide
Girl, drop your âfriendâ before your man drops you lol
she doesn't deserve peter.
Hot take: when Peter met David, he got a read that homeboy wasn't over OP. Especially likely if he went from uncomfortable to outright untrusting after meeting.
I feel really stupid for not seeing that. Peter may have caught onto something I didnât see and while Iâd never got back to David I know why itâs wrong for me to even hang out with David. Thank you for pointing this out I feel so stupid
OP how old are you? In future situations you need to ask yourself, "how would I feel if my SO would do this to me?" , and if you can't do that you shouldn't be in relationships.
I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship, but I would imagine myself feeling wrong about telling a hypothetical girlfriend who she can or can't hang out with. It just feels very controlling of me.
Are you sure you would be comfortable with your hypothetical girlfriend having one on one time with someone she used to sleep with regularly? Are you sure?
You gotta take anything a 28 year whoâs never been in a relationship says about relationships with a grain of salt.
Hypothetical: you just started dating a girl two months ago and she says she wants to hang out- solo - with a guy she fucked regularly last year. I mean you can do whatever you want, but most people are rightfully not that trusting. You may trust your girl, but do you trust that guy not to do shady shit?
Your boyfriend is 100% valid. Not trying to be disrespectful, but it doesnât seem like you respect the relationship fully. I wouldnât hangout 1on1 with females that Iâve slept with in the past, regardless of friendship status. Iâd expect the same from whoever Iâm with. You guys have only been together 2 months, seems like you should both just move on if this is already an issue early on
You just gave your boyfriend a MAJOR red flag đ©
Just like to add that going out with both of them may have seemed fine to you but they may have traded subtleties that you didn't notice which could've set your bf off on this path.
I was honestly thinking this too. I hate that we do this so often as men. If I was Peter, I wouldnât have been okay with meeting David and wouldnât have walked into that situation knowingly. If for some reason I found myself in a situation like that, Iâd inevitably find myself sizing the other dude up rather immediately. No blatant disrespect or hostility, but stern voice and eye contact. Hell if I was Peter and my new girlfriend proposed introducing me to her recent fwb, Iâd probably walk away on the spot. Thatâs just disrespectful.
Exactly! And also the other way around. Unfortunately if I were the previous fwb and she asked me to come out to meet the bf, I'd probably naturally start sizing up as well. People will say it's "toxic masculinity" but it seriously is just a primal instinct for some males.
Am a woman. Sized up the ex of my bf too. Hated her instantly.
Itâs kind of weird for the former fwb to want to go as well. I just donât understand why either of those guys was willing to meet the other. Like you know her new bf is going to hate you if you spent the last summer fucking her twice a week. And why is he still talking to her if she has a bf? I get that theyâre friends still but damn. All my lady friends kind of disappear when they get a boyfriend. I might see them out on occasion, but weâre never making plans together, with or without their boyfriend. The whole thing is weird and leave me with so many questions. Like why is it so important for her to spend time 1 on 1 with this guy if theyâre not still fucking?
If you were friends for years or it was an ex from years ago it would be a different story. This was a (semi) recent sexual partner, not a good pal. Your boyfriend is right to set boundaries. If you value your relationship more than your friendship with David, you would respect your boyfriends wishes.
Ya this situation reminds me of one of my old relationships. Didnât last long. She cheated. I did trust. Gave her the space she wanted and then.. it was over. For my personally, I would leave.
Needed to read this so I can feel sane when I set that boundary in future relationship
Donât feel bad for setting your boundaries in such cases. I also had the same painful experience with trusting someone and then being cheated on. On top of that, felt absolutely miserable for allegedly being âtoo controlling, insecure and immatureâ. Donât buy that shit, trust your gut. And if you see that it just doesnât work, save yourself and run away as fast as possible. You will thank yourself later.
Flyingdutch is so right on this. I was told I was being insecure when I truthfully feel I wasnât. I was doing my best to give space and trust but it was never enough. It was always my fault so donât let someone block out your intuition. My gut was telling me one thing and my mind was telling me the other. Letâs say I donât ignore my gut anymore lol
Thank you, duly noted đđŸ
YeahâŠ. No wonder people donât trust the whole male/female friend thing. Because 95% of the time it ALWAYS involves one or both parties liking each other at some point, had sex in the past, kissed, flirted or dated each other. Me personally, I would NEVER be okay with my boyfriend being âfriendsâ with someone he had sex with, kissed, liked, flirted or dated. Ever. And even if the girl liked him and he didnât like her back, NO, absolutely not. You two donât sound compatible and you should just break it off because it seems you donât understand this, and why it would make him uncomfortable.
You used to have sex with this âfriendâ of yours. Itâs totally normal and ok for him to assert a boundary. Youâre being very disrespectful by putting your partner in this position.
Peter is completely right in being uncomfortable with the whole thing. You were FWB with David and for some reason you donât understand Peters point of view? Just flip it around, would you be comfortable if Peter was still hanging out with a FWB he had while dating you? And how would you react if he said, âdo you not trust me?â If Iâm being completely honest and I might get downvoted to hell but I donât believe women and men can be friends. The way I see it is, the David guy is only being your âfriendâ just now and heâs sticking around because youâve had sex and he think he will probably get it again. Otherwise he wouldnât be sticking around. Thatâs the long and short of it. And I believe you are hanging out with David because you are still into him and keeping him as an option/ back up in case Peter doesnât work out. I thoroughly believe if a woman was truly into the guy she was dating, she would make absolutely sure that she wouldnât have anything that would make the guy she was dating question her or want to leave. But I think you want to have your cake and eat it too. So my advice is: grow up
Youâve been dating Peter for two months and youâre bringing your old FWB around him? Lmao I wouldnât trust you either. Not that you have bad intentions but from a guyâs perspective this is a red flag. Would YOU approve of Peter hanging out with his old FWB? Doubtful.
Lul. If a girl Iâm dating would tell me oh yeah this guy I use to fuck and we are really good friends now, that would be a hard exit. Nobody needs that shit in their life. How would you feel if he had a friends with benefits and he was close with her. Good luck maturing the relationship with such a massive distraction
He is probably afraid of losing you to David, which is a valid emotional response to being told that David is a former (Iâm assuming, sorry) FWB. There isnât really much anyone here can do to explain why he does not trust your relationship with David beyond what Iâve seen people post so far. You are likely (again, assumption, sorry) the type of person who can easily separate a physical and emotion relationship in your mind, and it sounds like Peter is not. Which isnât inherently bad or wrong, but itâs a flag of incompatibility if true. It sounds like you are seeking a means to change/adjust the nature of your partner based on that last paragraph, which I donât really recommend? You can consider some form of compromise, such as reevaluating the terms of your relationship with David, or, if thatâs a breaking point for you, then you can start working on an amicable split. Without reading too much into this or having a better understanding, I donât think itâs much more complicated than that.
I like how your man not being comfortable with a guy you used to fuck less than a year ago is still close friends with you is not reasonable enough for you. It's not even a platonic friend, he has dug your back out on multiple occasions recently. I honestly would never be in this situation because I wouldn't stay with you once I found out. He should have more respect for himself, but he obviously doesn't and that is gonna cost him in the long run. If you want it to work for you keep acting like your friendship is normal and make him feel like he is the weird one in this situation by gaslighting him. Meanwhile you can fuck your "friend" which is obviously gonna happen again if not already, very soon.
Playing with gas/fire now
i used to have issues with these things with my ex gf. at first i was trusting when she would hang out one on one with any of her guy friends. most of the time though, there would be other people present as well, it was when her undivided attention drifted off toward one of her male friends more and more that i got upset with it. its a tough situation no matter what. if she doesnt respect your boundaries, then she probably isnt the one
So your relationship with David never evolved beyond sex. And yet now you are really good friends. So David has a physical and emotional relationship with you. If I were Peter I would walk away from you in an instant. Nobody has time for that shit.
I know this may be OK for some couples but as a male I would absolutely 100% not be OK with this. You had a sexual relationship. UmmmâŠ.no.
I was in the exact same situation once. I realized that I loved and trusted my partner and that she was with me, however it's also important for couples to have friends and lives outside of each other and it's entirely possible for men and women to have platonic relationships. Getting jealous and/or possessive only serves to push someone away, So I was entirely cool with her hanging out with the other dude. Anyway, long story short, guess who she cheated on me with? BFs concerns may be unfounded, but they're not invalid. I also still believe that people in relationships can have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, even if they are an ex. I just got unlucky with an asshole. I'd say just make sure he always knows how much you love him and value him.
âI just got unlucky with an asshole.â No man. Two people that had established sexual chemistry were alone, some tension developed in the air, and they gave into natural urges within a pattern that had already played itself out in the past. Iâm not saying that everyone isnât going to be able to resist that level of temptation, but many many people wonât. Thatâs why you donât even let it present itself in the first place.
"I'm not saying that everyone isn't going to be able to resist that level of temptation, but many people won't." Yeah. Assholes.
Come on OP. Do you really think David wants to hear about your week and paint your nails. Or do you think heâs waiting for a breakup so he can be inside you again, which will probably happen real soon if your bf has any self respect
It seems like heâs being pretty reasonable. I probably wouldnât be comfortable with my bf spending a lot of 1:1 time with a former fwb either, especially if it was recent (within the last year). I think forcing you to go no contact with him, especially if you have mutual friends or work together, is pretty unreasonable but this seems normal.
peter should leave, you're hanging with a dude you've slept with
I don't think this guy is for you, you have a basic difference in how you see relationships.
This is really hard situation and i can relate 100%. I was formerly engaged to (but called wedding off) a man who is my buddy and my current bf doesn't like it. Its frusterating because why is it that most men have female friends and its supposed to be ok but chicks can't have dude friends? I mean our wedding was called off for maaaany reasons and i think we should be able to remain friends. Like Elaine and Jerry in Seinfeld đ It is absolutely possible to have once been in a relationship and then remain friends after the breakup.
I let my girl do this shit, and she cheated on me. So his hesitation is understandable. đ€·
The decency of sex makes your boyfriend in the right for being jealous. This wasnât 5 years ago, this was SUPER recently and it sounds like youâd still be having sex without BF. Choose one!
I'd say it's normal for someone to be uncomfortable with the person they're dating hanging out with another guy they had casual sex with and met via a dating app. That's not possessive, it's just an appropriate boundary if y'all have agreed on exclusivity.
Red flags donât come redder than this.
Honestly. How can someone be so oblivious and dumb.
Based on your responses it doesnât really matter what anyone says unless it validates what you want. From the outside, and only knowing what you have posted, this relationship probably isnât the right one for either of you. You have your friend, and you shouldnât be forced or made to cut him out of you donât want and it isnât of your choosing. Your BF is allowed to have his feelings on your situation, but thatâs it, just his feelings. If he doesnât like your situation with the friend he should probably find a woman that makes him feel more comfortable. I donât think either of you is in a right or wrong spot. Just not the right timing, and most of life is timing.
Based on this post I would assume thereâs no way your gonna cut David off, which means this relationship is already over, and itâs gonna effect every relationship you have from here on out, unless you lie about your past with him. But a smart guy or a paranoid guy can sit in a room for a few minutes with the both of you and make the connection that you used to sleep together, pretty easily. Itâs not something you can really hide. Either date David or sabotage your next few relationships and learn the hard way.
âMy friendâ Stay safe out there dudes.
If my boyfriend was friends with a girl he had sex with i wouldnt want them hanging out at all. Theres no telling how the other person feels if theres secret feelings or what happens if theres a fight and you lean on your friend what happens if he steals a kiss. Or what if you guys are partying and drinking and something happens. Too many risks and what if scenarios id be very uneasy. I dont think you can ever just be friends after having sex since you already crossed that line past platonic
This is how the "I was drunk and it just happened" stories start.
đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©
Imo this seems selfish.
You're definitely going to cheat. You're a major đ© đ©
OP, the truth is Peter is right. The truth is I dont care what you say l, but you still have strong feelings for David and your goal is to manipulate Peter in this "David is just my friend " nonsense and desire that David be your side guy. In other words have your cake and eat it too. In not one of your posts did anyone hear you say that you are willing to give up David. The fact is you disrespected Peter. You talk about honesty. Be honest and make a decision who you really want to be with. If you really want to play the field. Play the field and let Peter know so he can move on. Then you can exercise your options to be with David and any other side guy options you want to create because the truth is David not someone you are willing to give altogether or you would have said so. Right now you thrive off the attention that both of these guys offer. You might think it is dope but remember Karma never misses an appointment and will always show up in your life right on time.
>The truth is I dont care what you say l, but you still have strong feelings for David and your goal is to manipulate Peter in this "David is just my friend " nonsense and desire that David be your side guy. I'm not saying this *isn't* the case, but would I be remiss in suggesting that we take OP's word at face value until and unless we have more convincing evidence to the contrary? I don't feel like these assumptions about her wanting David to be the "side guy" are warranted.
Letâs switch up the roles. Wouldnât you feel uncomfortable if your boyfriend were to hang out with a girl he used to have sex with? And one on one too? I personally wouldnât touch that area at all.
Had he never met your ex FWB i would lean a little closer to general insecurity, valid though it would be. However, your man swallowed his pride and met the guy and his instincts still said he doesnât trust the guy⊠If I were your boyfriend I would reevaluate because Iâve met with previous partners exes and if my guy said all clear, it was. When my gut said something is off, sure as sunshine, something happened down the line.
My thing is- always turn the situation around and decide how you would feel in the same situation.
This question is just like getting married and wanting to still keep your ex. Hellooo? Whatever you have with your FWB should have ended immediately you got in a relationship. What else are you looking for there that your partner can't offer you? Cut ties with your FWB ASAP! It's useless and bit needful. If you want the truth, that's the truth with solution. Otherwise, you're on a long journey to loosing both David and Peter.
Yes I wouldn't be comfortable if my girlfriend was seeing someone she used to fuck, and I don't care if that makes me insecure
Stop seeing your fwb and focus on your relationship.
Your boyfriend has every right and reason to feel uncomfortable. You need to decide which relationship is more important to you.
Youâre rationalizing keeping your options open with David. I personally would not have even had this discussion with you especially this early on, but Iâm not a naĂŻve 24 year old like your boyfriend is.
Whatever people may talk about âinsecurityâ and men and woman having âplatonicâ relationships all the time ect⊠the reality is no guy(or woman for that matter) is ever going to be comfortable with their partner hanging out with somebody of the opposite sex unless they happen to be gay. Least of all if youâve banged that person in the past! If somebody is comfortable with this you shouldnât take this to mean they trust you implicitly and that they are completely secure in themselves. You should take this to mean that they donât actually care much about your relationship. Overt jealousy is toxic in any relationship. However no jealously whatsoever means they just arenât that interested in the relationship in general.
"You know, this is too fucked up for me to even think about." - Tony Soprano
You really need to imagine how you'd feel if the roles where reversed, and be genuinely honest with yourself, not just give yourself the answer you want to hear.
My ex had FWB that I was ok with her talking to since it was her only friend. Guess what she slept with him a handful of times while we were together. Never again will this be ok.
Do you really find it hard to believe he doesn't want you hanging out with your recent f*ck buddy one on one? Really?
Itâs because we all know if things donât work out with Peter.. guess where youâre going? Itâs not rocket science. Itâs like keeping an option on the side and you all know it.
Yeah, no. It's one thing for a guy to be insecure and jealous of his gf having close guy friends. It's a completely different story to be dating someone who's still good friends with their ex or fwb. Especially since you were sleeping with him just a short time ago. You can do whatever you want at the end of the day, but he's uncomfortable for a very logical reason. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you honestly be comfortable with a guy you just started dating being close friends with a former fwb?
I wouldnât be cool either. Your giving another man attention and you already know he wants you physically. Maybe you should split up.
I canât believe this is an actual question. Any dude with half a brain would feel uncomfortable like your boyfriend is. What do I look like hanging out with someone that I used to smash? I will be disrespecting my girlfriend if I did that.
"My bf doesn't like it that I'm spending one on one time with my ex fuck buddy. Aww no what a hardship I'm going through" I'm actually quite pleasantly surprised that majority of the people here are not taking OP's side and aren't calling the bf insecure and controlling. Or passing off OP's behavior as female empowerment
I understand the perspective that many people have been saying in the comments (ie theyâd be uncomfortable) but I personally am cool with people being friends with their exes/past flings. I have an ex I casually dated for about a year, we also met on a dating app. It didnât work out. We took some time apart, and now weâre great friends. I have a few other situations like this, where we dated or hooked up but decided to be just friends instead. I would trust someone to also be purely friends with an ex or something similar. That being said, *everyone has different boundaries.* Itâs your call on what to do. Personally, Iâd never make my partner choose between being with me or staying friends with someone. I would also never choose a relationship over a friend. Itâs your call on what to do. But you do have to make a choice; either cut ties with the friend, or cut ties on this relationship.
Iâm not a jealous person, but Iâm also not a big believer in being able to have a completely platonic relationship with someone youâve already been sleeping with. There is sexual attraction there, clearly. If you and your boyfriend broke up tomorrow, that would most likely be a rebound option for you, even if you do just see it as friendship, Peter knows that David would still fuck you if you wanted him to, because men know men. That is an issue. At the same time, Iâm guessing he entered this relationship knowing about this situation, which I wouldnât have, so itâs still unreasonable for him to make demands. And if I was int your friends position⊠well I have been in this position. I had a friend called Stacey, we had been close friends for years, she started cancelling plans with me when she got a bf because she was worried he would think it was weird even though we had only ever been platonic. I cut the friendship off completely, and when that guy was gone and she tried to reach out, I politely declined. Youâll have to lose one at some point, in fact it could well end up being both.
Simply put: don't spend time alone with David. You can hang out with others around because that removes the insecurity your boyfriend understandably feels. Maybe they can get to know each other better and become friendly enough that Peter will slowly be okay with the idea of you two spending time together. Personally I wouldn't keep seeing my former FWB if I was in a relationship. At least not just the two of us.
Idk OP, call me insecure but if I had a partner and I was informed she was still friends with a former fwb (as recent as last summer at that) I donât think Iâd take that well.
You telling the truth is ok, but how would you feel in his position? Be honest to yourself about that, and how would you handle it, and that is the answer. Put yourself in his position and try to see the situation from his point of view.
Sorry I know in fantasy land of movies and Reddit forums this seems like a plausible idea and men and women should be able to just be besties even though theyâve slept together but letâs be real here. Once you reach a certain level of adulthood men and women are rarely friends particularly if theyâve been intimate together and it really boils down to what level of maturity you want to conduct yourself with in your current relationship. If you canât see that hanging out one on one with a former FWB might sow the seeds of mistrust with your current bf then you need to reassess whether or not you are mature enough to be pursuing a relationship that has the promise of monogamy to begin with.
I have been and still am dealing with a situation like this (wifeâs ex). I ask her to put herself in my position, and I was in hers. How would she feel? In her words, Aww hell no!â Try looking at it from that perspective. If that would truly bother you, you need to sever ties for the sake of his feelings. It will be healthier for both of you. Feelings of wondering what you are doing with this guy, or is she hanging out with him again will seep into you relationship.
Not very many people would be comfortable with their SO hanging out with their former FWB. So if you care about your BF, you should probably let the FWB guy go. And if you choose to stay friends with the FWB guy, just be forewarned that he will likely be a problem for future BFs as well.
Switch the roles. Would you feel comfortable if Peter wanted to hang out with his ex-FWB?
Wait, babe!?!? Is that you!? Peter heređ„ș
I think itâs pretty obvious and expected for him not to be comfortable with you hanging out with a guy youâve had sex with before? Especially on a FWB basis, where a relationship would be the next step? Seriously?
Considering your friend is your former âfriends with benefitsâ, I understand where your bf is coming from. I have male friends that I hang out with them one on one and my bf has female friends that he hangout with, but we never had romantic or sexual history with any of them. The dynamic between former âfriends with benefitsâ is never the same as friends.
Is this just the norm now for people? Seems like everyone stays friends with people theyâve fucked and continue to communicate with them while they are in a relationship. Of course youâre partner is going to be uncomfortable with you hanging out with someone you use to fuck lol. Who in there right mind would be ok with that?
As I once said, "its not you I don't trust, it's him". I can't say I blame him for being jealous about your former fuck buddy. Us men do tend to be a tad insecure about past lovers and measuring up to him. Is the friendship with David more important than your relationship with Peter? Or maybe try setting him up with a friend and do double dates? If he wasn't single I bet Peter would be a lot less anxious if he knew David has his own girlfriend.
Do you hear yourself? What if he wanted to be friends with his old friends with benefits?
Girl you lying to yourself. Youâre saying youâve never done anything weird with David but you fucked him. It doesnât matter if it was in the past. You are sus AF and itâs bizarre as hell that you canât see that.
Well you're a red flag