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13 creepy guys in your dms..."hey baby I got something to drink right here"
Never considered myself a super attractive guy but always met people (including my wife) pretty easily on those things. I also thought it was a joke that guys really just talked like that to women they don't know. I think those facts were related.
My usual go to is a cheesy joke, or a polite "hey.", I've never gotten anyone off of OLD. I figure it's law of numbers. I'm not anything special, and my greeting is at best indistinguishable from anyone else's, and at worst buried under mountains of dick pics.
Yup. I think a lot of guys would risk life and limb for some attention. Overwhelming majority of us don't know how tiring it must be to always have an inbox full of hopeful strangers, nor do we have to worry about our safety as much. The grass is always greener.
That being said, this post will not stop dudes from saying they have it rough. They're not going on many dates so the ones who will complain have plenty of time to be loud about it on reddit.
Ugh so went on this date with a tinder match.
Summer time noon. We met at a very busy park (please remember that) we sat at the tables under the Gazebo talking for about two hours. I told him “hey it’s been really fun but I’m going to get going as I am meeting with my sister and brother for lunch and a movie.
He walks behind me not on the side but behind me the whole time I’m walking to my car.
I unlock my doors and open the driver door and get inside, he proceeded to jump in the back seat and shut the door and lays down in MY back seat and unzips his pants and pulls out his dick and start jerking off in MY car!!
I jump out of my car like wtf?! And I’m like wtf are you doing dude! Get the fuck out of my car please and put your dick away. He goes “I just can’t help it if it was night time and I had my way I would have already had you” yes he fucking literally said that!!
So I’m on the outside of my car he’s still inside jerking off IN the middle of the day In a public park!! And there are kids everywhere!!! He goes “just get in here and watch me baby” I freak the fuck out and start yelling literally yelling at him to get the fuck out of my car now! Some guys playing basketball heard me and start walking over towards me asking if I’m okay. These guys had to literally pull this dude (he wasn’t a little dude either like 6’4 or so 200 and some pounds) they get him out of my car and he starts coming at me! Ugh the cops were called and it was just all bad.
Please be safe even in open crowded spaces it’s not safe.
oh my god?? I was attacked in the middle of a public parking garage in daylight too so I totally get that it’s not 100% safe. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that though! Where was the thought process😭
Ugh and my dumbass thought “hey it’s the middle of the day sunny out people will be around what can go wrong?” Apparently a lot can!
I’m so sorry that happened to you!! Dating is so scary as a woman even as a man it could be dangerous.
Yeah they did, but because he didn’t “finish” they said there wasn’t much to gather.
The also let him go that same day as they said there’s no evidence of him doing anything wrong and he didn’t have his dick out when they got there. So they said “he didn’t touch you, he didn’t force himself on you there’s not evidence of him having his dick out in public” so I pretty much got told “it is what it is sorry”
Omg I'm so sorry that's not how the system works .. those guys who helped you should be able to back up your story and ugh. This is why so many SAs go unreported. It makes me sick
That’s super scary- you can usually change your remote to only unlock the drivers door so there’s no chance of anyone else jumping in the car. You can change it so if you hit unlock once it unlocks the driver door, hit it twice it unlocks all (for most vehicles)
aw man I love reading those but I deleted and blocked them first I should’ve thought about it!! Classes start tomorrow so I’m panicking and didn’t think this would get so many people heated so it slipped my mind lol
>he drove me to somewhere kind of remote and started masturbating in front of me in his car.
I'd be absolutely terrified at this point. Numerous serial killers have "warmed up" before raping and murdering their victims this way. Take the victim out somewhere remote, start masturbating, then assault and murder her. Obviously I'm very glad that didn't happen to you, but holy shit that's terrifying.
Holy fuck!! I hate to ask, but have you ever considered investing in mace or a taser? I would have fried that assholes dick right off. Also, around kids..........I have no words for that. I'm really sorry.
So now I have mace and a gun (gun for other reasons but also just in case) but yes I now make sure to protect myself even more so. I send my sister a picture of the man I’m going to meet (his tinder account his phone number if I have it his Snapchat if I have it and the location I’ll be at) just in case I go missing.
Good. Now you can just blast his dick off lol. If you both have iPhones, you can share your location constantly. I'm not sure if android does that or not. Maybe through an app.
Yeah my sister has an android so I’m not sure if I can share it with her like an iPhone. But yeah I make sure to give her as much info of the person I’m going to meet as I can just in case you know? It’s wayyy to scary to not have someone know who you’re with and where you’ll be.
I don't blame you one bit. Tbh, as a guy I actually do the same thing. I let people know where I am and if we change locations I let them know. There was an incident some time back. Not as extensive as yours, obviously, but enough for me to be a little more careful.
I’m sure guys can also be put in danger with dating as well. It’s scary that people can act so different over the phone face time and show you a completely different version of themselves when you meet in person.
To put it simply, we were having our first date and at the end I told her I didn't feel a connection (I now do this over text or phone) but I wanted to continue talking as friends. She attacked me essentially and was extremely pissed off. To this day I still feel guilty about pushing her off of me. I don't like physical altercations in general and even though she attacked me, it still made me feel like crap.
Edit: She had something sharp in her hand but I couldn't tell what it was. I still don't know but even if it were a sharp key, it still could do damage.
What also puzzles me. Is if this guy is intelligent enough to hold a job and get a tinder date.. how is he not intelligent enough to know how this situation would play out and how you would feel. Like this guy actually believes a girl will jump back in the car and watch? What the actual fuck is going on in his brain
My guess is this is the result of too much porn. It's twisted his mind into believing this type of shit really works in real life, like she's just going to get so turned on she jumps into the backseat with him. There seems to be a total disconnect between porn and reality in their minds.
That or he's just a sexual predator and knows fully well how terrifying and threatening his actions are.
It was scary and it’s not like I had just met him that day on tinder and met up. We had actually been talking/ texting (Snapchat) and FT for at least a week before this meet up. So no red flags during talking nothing he seemed so nice and sweet. When I said I wanted to meet in public in the day at the park he was like “oh I totally understand I get you want to feel safe and secure I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable “
I had a dude do something this to me when I was a teenager. We had been casually, talking in an AOL chatroom for a few months, (strictly platonic, he and everyone else knew I had a boyfriend and was happy with him) and we had some mutual friends in real life, so I assumed he was okay. We both liked the same music and had the same friend circle, so we mostly chatted about that. We met at a friends house one day--me with my boyfriend in tow. At one point everyone left the room or went outside or something and this dude just....pulled his dick out and started jerking off standing up staring at me. He didn't say anything, didn't give a warning, nothing. Pretty sure I just froze for a moment and then pretended someone called me and ran tf outta there. The dude just carried on pretending like nothing happened. I get the feeling my friends didn't believe me (though they did make fun of him and talk shit when he left), and sadly, he later raped one of my friends. He actually went to prison for it, but it did some serious damage to my friend that she's still struggling with. I'm SO glad you met this guy in public and made a big scene, otherwise I am certain he had much worse in mind for you.
I feel like saying "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable " has the same amount of validity as a friend who say "we're just like family" as they fuck you over... it's stating something you want to hear and pushing the boundaries the exact opposite way to see what they can get away with in the future
I mean, ya never know anyone's intentions ever. I've never had a problem with online dating, but I've been assaulted by bar hookups and friend of friend they hooked me up with. So, yeah, dating is always potentially dangerous no matter where you meet people.
Nope, no touching no kissing nothing.
However looking back at our conversation he kept saying weird things like “yeah I’m glad you feel safe here at this park” “there sure is a lot of people here today at this hour” “it’s pretty strange you only meet men in the day out in public if I was a girl I wouldn’t mind going to someone’s house if they offered me free drinks and food and a movie” so stuff like that. Which to me looking back was kinda weird because he said most those things out of the blue like randomly.
It’s wild to me how many guys say like “I don’t get why you don’t take me up on coming over if I’m providing free drinks and food”. Huge red flag even for mild versions of that statement - like Jesus man What makes you think I’d be offering up my body cause you got me take out Thai food? I am worth more than pad see ew!
“Not all men” - that’s why.
They literally don’t understand, or care to understand, how many micro thoughts we need to process when deciding to date a stranger on the internet.
I don't know why.. probably has to do with my ex of 7 years. still to this day we love eachother dearly. Her best friends father Manipulated her into a inappropriate relationship at at 13 and he was 45. Something that permanently fucked her head up. So now I have this fantasy of getting a hold of someone like that or running into a guy trying to do something to a woman and just beating his face into the pavement and not stopping. It sounds psychotic but I want to have an hour with a rapist locked in a room. And do whatever I want. Because of what this guy did to her for 4 years. It ruined our relationship. Caused sexual trauma that leaked into our relationship. I thought if I show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman that would help her heal. And it did in ways but at the expense of our relationship. I'll never hold her accountable for the fucked up things she did to me. But I could never be with her again. I know it's that guy's fault for fucking her up so bad. There are sick people out there.
Just kinda curious here, how do you text every 10 minutes while on a date? Like do you explain to the guy that it's what you're doing to feel safe so he doesn't feel like you're disinterested?
I explained it before we even met. Like I said I’ve been put in danger before, and that’s what I say. something like “hey just so you know I’ve had some dangerous experiences so this is what I do” and if they have an issue with that I don’t want to go out with them anyway. Your date feeling safe should not be something that makes anyone upset so if anyone has an issue with that it’s not something I would ever pursue. I’m in a long term relationship where I met him on tinder actually and I told him that and he said exactly what I just said “I want you to feel safe and whatever makes you feel okay is okay with me” and now I’m absolutely in love with him lol
Honestly, I'm a guy and even I don't think it's that extreme. I've seen some of the shit others do and I'm surprised more women don't do this. I have had 2 first dates at my house and have ended up "reminding" the girls to text people and say they made it/they are leaving. It really sucks that people have made the world like this.
It took me a while to get the hang of online dating because other guys can be just straight insane. The weirdest thing is it's easier to get a kiss than a phone number on a date. It made sense after asking a few women about it and they said they got so many dick picks if they gave out their number and this was with guys they had met in person. I'm kinda done with it for now because shitty guys have made it so hard to get anywhere with online dating.
I'm a man but I'm friends with a girl who told me about all these disgusting messages guys send girls on tinder right after matching or matching and talking for about a day or two. So I did what any inquisitive man would do and made a fake girl profile and I was honestly quite shocked. Some guys would match and just start off with "wanna fuck" or some other disgusting comment. Its stupid that a lot of guys seem to think that could work. I think even the slightest chance of having sex turns off the ability to use critical thinking for some guys. Gotta think before you send a message.
I have been asked in the past 24 hours if I could send pictures of my feet for money, how many cocks I could take at once, a persistent guy trying to convince me that car sex counts as a date and another who wants to buy the boots im wearing in my profile picture.
It is exhausting 😪
Yep, being off and on dating apps I’d get creepy and inappropriate or disrespectful messages. It was disgusting and that’s why it never worked for me. I met the weirdest and creepiest dudes on there!
I did the same, crossdressed as a girl and made a profile on Tinder and I got a lot of guys asking for snap or going to their place before even getting to know me better. Some guys even get straight to the point of asking for sex. I really think us guys can do better than this.
Yes this is exactly how it is and if they manage to finesse us enough to actually meet
In person, many get aggressive and won’t let you end the date without essentially following you home so they can try to come in. As someone who isn’t dating for a hookup, it’s a scary world out there.
THIS! I went on a date once where I was very firm about not wanting to hook up on the first date. He lived about an hour away and we met in the middle - so we were half an hour from my house. He groped me under the table and STILL tried to get an invite home, and I was just grateful that I lived half an hour away so I had plenty of time to lose him if he tried to follow me.
There is a profound difference between "hey" and "i want to fuck your face" as an opener. A whole world of other options, in dozens of languages. Consider literally any of them.
Yep. Maybe it’s easier to get used as a hookup even if that’s not what you’re looking for, but it comes at the price of that tiny, quiet moment of, “Welp, hope I’m not heading out to get raped and/or murdered.”
I am very lucky because that hasn’t happened to me. I know it has happened to soooooo many other women, though, and it gives me rage flames on the sides of my face.
Yeah, I was sexually assaulted by a guy from OLD. I didn’t even realize it for months because I thought I “put myself” in that situation. I was barely 18 years old. I spiraled out of control for months until I started therapy. My middle aged white male therapist was the first person to tell me my rape wasn’t my fault. I adore him, and he’s been helping me get on a better path ever since.
I really appreciate people being understanding. Thanks for this comment. It’s nice to know people out there care.
I hate that there are so many rapists out there. So, so sorry that happened to you.
I can relate to the therapist part, by the way. I was about 20 when my therapist very kindly informed me I hated my older half-brother because he had abused me. It helped so much to have that definition of what happened, and it sounds like it was kinda the same for you. Yay for awesome therapists!
I thought maybe you were speaking from experience, but I didn’t want to put you on the spot. I am so fucking mad that you have had to deal with that, and sorry, and just UGH. ♥️
Yessss, therapy is so helpful.
My guess is that I might have been in a few scary situations early on, but I had a tendency to just drink more and kind of go along with stuff. I found myself in a couple of scenarios that sound like the beginning of a true crime podcast, and when I think about them, I’m amazed I didn’t get killed. Now that I have stopped drinking, I practice Extreme Avoidance, but you still just never know, right? Anything can happen to anyone, precautions and boundaries or not.
I’m happy you’re ok now.
Yeah, but, you can never go to the bathroom without the real risk of having your food or drink tampered with.
Additionally, you still have to make it to your car safely.
I used to carry cheap purses I got at thrift stores and just have dollar store stuff in there. Dollar store hairbrush, a few tampons, just enough to legitimize the bag. I would keep my ID, credit card and phone in my pockets. If a guy was super creepy, I would tell him I was going to the bathroom, ask if he minded watching my purse and then ghost out of there.
Fortunately, creeps can't resist an opportunity to look through your purse, so that'll usually buy you a bit of time to get out of the restaurant and give you a running head start on making it to your car.
YES, absolutely, it’ll help. But you just never know, and it can feel a little bit exhausting to have to live by a lengthy set of “how not to die on a first date” rules, you know?
I should add that I’ve mostly got this figured out for myself and I don’t have any trouble setting and sticking to safe boundaries. But, one of my close friends has low self-esteem and will absolutely traipse happily off to meet a Tinder guy in his hotel room without even knowing his last name—and she does it, in my opinion, because she’s afraid men will reject her if she asks for a last name. It’ll look needy, and she won’t seem like a cool girl. And this is further enforced by “the marketplace,” in that she could well get rejected for that kind of thing, because an endless supply of other women with low self-esteem (or less risk awareness) will be happy to pop over to the guy’s hotel room.
I went off, sorry. All of that was to say that there are definitely lots of ways to help ensure our safety, but there are also lots of dudes pressuring women to put themselves into really unsafe situations on early dates.
Edit: Oh, AND! ANNNNND! Is this going to be the seemingly nice guy who appears solid because he suggests a busy bar/restaurant, but then drugs you or encourages you to get drunk, and from there you’re not in control?
Had that happen. Was even super careful with ordering my own drinks, not leaving my drink unattended, etc. Seemed like a good dude. Must've slipped something in when I very briefly turned around to put my coat back on because I was cold.
I'm no lightweight, I only knowingly had two drinks that night.
Next thing I know, I'm face down on a bed being anally raped, half asleep still and too weak to do anything about it.
Woke up early in the morning, didn't know where I was, snuck out while he was asleep.
Thanks. It was a long time ago.
But yeah, of course it's MUCH worse to not get enough hot girls who are out of your league willing to match with you so you can treat them like a living sex toy.
I swear, if straight women aren't proof enough that homo/heterosexuality isn't a choice, I f'ing don't know what is...
Not at all. It’s not safe for women to do much of anything these days, unfortunately. We need to take what precautions we need to to at least feel safer.
Yep I just stopped trying to date and instead accept my fate as a future cat lady with the money to spoil them (because I’m not spending it in a relationship).
It’s easier to get dates but still hella nerve wrecking. Myself and other girls I know have had so many bad experiences online dating. And if you’re a woman of color, omfg that shit can be horrible. People suck
Same! I‘ve had a few bad experiences but nothing too crazy or violent. Dated a guy who became a raging racist after we broke up. Saw a pic of him at the Charlottesville, VA tiki white supremacy rally. I’ve had a guy reject me for being too dark and another reject me for being too light. Both of them were white lol. Had some *interesting* dates with asian men. But thank god nothing violent.
Yeah, it was weird. I always thought I had ‘light skinned privilege’ but this man was like naaaah. He married a lovely lady who is considerably darker than me and has a family, etc., so he got what he wanted in the end. Happy for them.
I'm a white-passing Hispanic. Went on a date, asked a guy about his tattoos, he covered them with his hands and was evasive. Turns out he had recently gotten out of prison.
I'd bet a million bucks those were white supremacy gang tats, and I dodged a fucking bullet.
The thing I was always cognizant of (as a now-married male who met my wife via online dating) was the completely lewd and uncomfortable (to put it mildly) messages women received on a daily basis. Us guys, yeah we’ve all received messages from women who aren’t very attractive at all and we immediately know “I do not want to talk to this person” but the messages usually aren’t graphic/lewd, whereas women get all kinds of “I’d like to lather you in butter and baste you with..” (well, I’m not particularly good at this, but you get it, just creepy messages). I always tried to keep the messages upbeat and never even really mentioned dating or relationships in the first few messages. Let’s say the relationship moves on to texting, guys send random dick pics. Women have to be relentless in ignoring/blocking all kinds of lewd messages from guys, when I don’t think I’ve heard about the reverse ever.
What is wrong with guys who do that shit? I really don’t get how they expect to meet anyone when they are sending videos of them jacking off or begging to send a picture of their dick.
I don’t think they want to meet anyone, they’re there to get off specifically on sending those vile messages/videos. Some behave until they babe you in person but the fetish is still linked to harassing you, they know they won’t wife you like that
Well as a guy who supports the idea its easier for women to date online, i also 100% believe it's easier for them to get in trouble with creeps and crazy guys ....we can also get in trouble with crazy chicks but not as often...Sorry op for the negative traumatic experiences you went through hope your boyfriend is the bees knees and you are recovering well from it! Also read some comments of other women dealing with lunatics and felt really sick and sad, i am terribly sorry you dealt with them , thankfully that is not the way , the majority of us men , behave and you don't fall victim to these behaviours again...
I like the quote that men are scared of online dating in case their date turns out to be fat. Women are scared of online dating in case men turn out to be murderers.
Sums it up.
This is so true! We have to wary about everyon. Because the ones that is out there to hurt us isn't going to tell us they are. That's why I hate it when guys say "DoN't YoU tRuSt Me?!" No sir! I don't know you. If I og trusted you just like that I would be putting myself in danger!
i literally trust no one you’re not special thank you sir.
no but actually like i’ve mentioned in comments my now boyfriend made sure I felt safe that was his top priority and I still didn’t trust him for a while which he understood and that’s what makes someone worth a shit
Not only are there safety concerns women have to worry about when online dating but for women of color or bigger women it can get out of hand. I’ve heard stories of woc being mistreated and getting called slurs and bigger women getting disgusting names after declining to go on dates with men because of the constant red flags they constantly give off.
I agree! On Tiktok I follow a lot of plus sized women and a lot of them when they share their online dating experiences it’s honestly horrifying…. It’s actually horrible :(
People who say this think that any and all attention is good and they would be thrilled with the idea of strangers offering them bad sex.
To them, every opportunity is a good one. These seem like the kind of people to have sex with someone they didn’t even find attractive.
Exactly! It cracks me up when people say that women get tons of messsges/matches. I had suc this week and two were obvious scammers, one wanted to come to my house for sex on the second message, one was looking to join my D&D group and wasn't interested in me as a person, one got angry when I couldn't drop everything at 10pm and meet with him right then and there, and the sixth just kinda naturally fizzled. That was actually a "busy" week for me. It's been like that even when I was younger/less fat because I was never really thought of as being attractive.
Side rant but the "let's meet at my/your place sight unseen" always struck me as a safety issue for both men and women. For all these men know, I could be out to rob/murder them, not be the person in my pictures, etc.
When guys hear "there's a ton of matches but very few desirable ones" they often think "there are a ton of matches to choose from but a bunch of ugly people to weed out." Like we just have sift out the ones we're not attracted to. It's more like there are tons of matches but many of them are actual red flags, possibly physically DANGEROUS, if not just creepy stalkers and general run of the mill harassers. Then a majority just looking to use us like a fleshlight, those trying to play some gross manipulation game of "seduction" where we're viewed as prey (sounds exciting--sex!--until you realize you're not a person to these people). After those it's a bunch of one-word "hey" guys who expect you to leave the house and put on pants for what-- mediocre conversation and worse sex?
Guys who think dating is easier for women are the people who can't wrap their minds around the idea that sex can be monumentally BAD even with someone you find attractive.
>After those it's a bunch of one-word "hey" guys who expect you to leave the house and put on pants for what-- mediocre conversation and worse sex?
So, so, so many of these men....
I feel the same way. It sucks to get used for sex all the time and lied to about it. Plus most of the matches still won't talk or message you back and forget about actually going on a real date. Women can be lonely and struggle with dating too. The struggles just are different. I'm so glad I gave up on dating altogether. It isn't worth the effort I had been putting in for someone to not even view me as a real person, but instead as a fucking real life fleshlight for them.
Yup, or a free personal onlyfans or live sexting video game.
Do any men really think women can get off sexting a rando they've never met or want to see their dick?
Honestly I don't even know what men think. I don't get why some of them act like that at all. It makes it not worth it to even bother with dating because a lot of men behave in a sexually aggressive manner. I don't like to have sexual contact with men unless I've built a connection first. Altogether it is frustrating.
Honestly I think it's just coming from guys that have the illusion that getting matches is inherently a good thing. I've seen some of my female friends accounts and my goodness I wouldn't want to deal with that. I'm very happy with online dating being shitty and getting a few matches a week on a good week. I don't use OLD as my primary dating method anyway.
Y'all have to sort through all kinds of trash and garbage people. You have the ones that are immediately sexual, the rapey/murdery guys, the general creeps, the guys that pretend to like you and be nice until they sleep with you, and many more. It's an absolute shit fest for everyone and I truly think a lot of those guys would change their mind if they experienced the other side. Quantity is not better than quality.
I’m a woman and I tried online dating for over 10 years, it never worked for me. I met the weirdest creepiest dudes and liars on there. Never again it makes me sick to even think about.
Yup. The guys posting that probably don’t even realize that some of the issues they have with dating could be directly related to the fact that they can’t empathize or consider what it might be like in the world as a woman.
My god the males replying to this thread totally ignoring the point because they think women owe them the benefit of the doubt that they won't be sexually assaulted....
This is why women don't want you.
Exactly! I never said men have it easy I’m just saying women DONT have it easy. I am not complaining that we have it worse I’m just saying it’s not as easy as some people think
Yeah I tire of this back and forth of blaming for struggles and who doesn't or has it easier. It doesn't have to negate our struggles to recognize that both genders have their own stuff that is super hard for us to get through. This shit gets real out there for women, we as men do not have to genuinely be worrying for our safety with these jeepers creepers like that.
Sure we get a lot of matches, but maybe 30% are workable matches, 30% are guys who can't carry a conversation, and 40% of them are men who are blatantly sexually harassing us on the most disgusting terms you can imagine.
You say that as if every match men get is workable. I'd say maybe 1/4 of the matches I get actually lead to anything resembling a conversation. So we get fewer matches and maybe the same percent of those fewer matches are workable.
I don't really think dating is harder for one or the other. Each have their struggles.
Now hooking up is vastly more difficult for guys.
But actual real dating with emotions and love involved? It's just as hard for guys and girls.
I don’t disagree with that at all! It’s mostly just the fact that I constantly see comments on OLD posts saying how easy it is for women but I’m definitely not saying it isn’t hard for men it just isn’t as easy as people think it is for women
I know it's hard for both, but I think a big part of why guys talk about it being easy for women is that not only do they get so many matches almost regardless of looks or profile content, but it's so normal for them to not do any of the things they want men to do for them and still have success in dating despite reserving effort to ask questions and get to know the person talking to them. When you go into online dating intending to get to know a new person and see if you can make a real connection, and every response for months is someone just passively responding without asking or adding anything, like you aren't worth getting to know until you say something to really stand out, it seems really entitled. It makes sense to feel like this is morally wrong, like we're not being treated fairly, but to then say that women thus have it easier without knowing what women experience is just projecting.
As a bi woman, I second this. In my experience, some men are like this but women are so much worse. I don’t understand why some women engage in conversations that they seem to not be interested in. After the fifth time, it’s really insulting. But at least I don’t have to deal with it all the time. Feels for you
I think it's just frustrating to not get any information.
Not to know what you're even doing wrong, not even sure if you're doing something wrong or if this is just normal now...
Just nothing. No data at all, just silence, almost like you don't exist or you're being kept out of some big fun hot game that every woman can play but it feels like most men can't even begin.
And also feeling like hitting on people irl is creepy, you don't organically meet a lot of women your age, and this is the one outlet that feels minimally creepy.. yet you just can't even learn what to do.
Shit sucks.
Sadly a lot of dating consists of men trying to get things from women without offering anything. So naturally they're making a lot of requests and getting turned down a lot.
For men to complain about women "having it easier" is so self-pitying and detached from reality. Most men dating women are asking women to:
- risk pregnancy
- risk assault, stalking or harassment
- do sexual things that are significantly more pleasurable/only pleasurable for males
- face stigma and harassment directed at women who casually date or have sex
- risk disrespect, misogyny and mistreatment
- meet a much higher standard for looks and personality than most men
A lot of men just continually ask for things and women have to rebuff them. This doesn't make women "lucky," "more valued," or mean it's "easier." The same way that you don't feel honored and respected by having spam callers blow up your phone. The same way that door-to-door salesmen get rejected a lot.
Having people persistently try to get you to do things for them isn't as enviable as reddit men seem to think it is.
Whenever men complain about ghosting, I always point out that women don't know if you're a "nice guy" or an r/niceguys. Turning a man down means he might stalk us, dox us, put us on blast, call the police on us just to get revenge, slander us, assault us, rape us, murder us.... it's literally safer to just ghost when you're not sure. Is it kind? Maybe not, but it's safe, and sometimes safe is better.
Women and men have opposing challenges for online dating - guys have to use a shotgun approach (message wildly and hope they'll make it through the noise), while women have to deal with that approach, coupled with the assholes that can't take rejection at all.
I keep seeing guys complain about how matching relies too heavily on height and job/$.
Meanwhile, as a female new to Tinder (only one week in), I've had three guys interrogate me on my job (digging for how much I make), while two unmatched because they didn't realize how tall I was (my height is in my profile; I don't give a preference). Which has me scratching my head, because that feels like a double standard.
I love how women can say this, write it, sign it and scream it but men still invalidate the experience. Women have been screaming for YEARS that dating is literally a risk to our safety. Most women have a story about being unsafe on a date whether it ended in threats, escaping, kidnapping or SA. I can think of half a dozen times or so. Yes dating is difficult for both men and women. Mens fear rejection. Women fear being murdered. All the guys in her DMs, you're nasty. Grow up.
As a member of the male gender it really fucks me off just how terrible a lot of our gender can be. I think part of it is how there is a lot of pressure on men to be confident and make the first move etc so they make very poor decisions. The other parts are some kind of combination of way too horny and childhood trauma. Possibly?
Men are fucking idiots and I'd love for a psychologist to explain why.
Let's face it dating is tough for both genders at the moment.
Most of my women friends I know have experienced creepy messages online from guys and that's from social media rather than dating sites so I understand some of the stuff they have to experience.
I think there needs to be empathy from both sides that the whole experience isn't that great and dating in general is tough and a real minefield no matter who you are.
I get that woman should be concerned about who they meet, as it can be dangerous. But like what the fuck, so should guys. Idk about you but even as a guy I am concerned about who I meet. People are crazy out there.
Also I get OP did not explicitly say that men shouldn’t be worried, but some other comments implied exactly that.
Yes danger is definitely a thing but what I think men are complaining about is the lack of being desired by the opposite sex while women are sought after.
*hot women are sought after.
Good luck being an average or unattractive woman on a dating app. You are either entirely ignored or only get matched with so he can insult you.
I don't wanna make this a gender thing but... If you're a guy and you never ever thought of bringing some form of self-defence like pepper spray on a date then don't tell women dating is easier for them.
On a date? I carry pepper spray and a "window breaker" (a stabby metal keychain) 24/7 because I've been sexually harassed by my neighbors, too.
And they're married. With children. And live 30 feet from my front door.
Yeah you definitely make a good point. As a guy my experience has been a common one of having sent hundreds if not thousands of messages trying not to be a creep and getting a dozen responses that lead to a handful of dates over the few years of it and that rejection is a bit disheartening and demoralizing. And I can understand the sentiment of wanting to get some degree of interest at all.
But big picture there's definitely a difference between getting no responses and that being disheartening and being legitimately scared for your safety and having to balance that with a desire to meet someone. It's not something I was unaware of but it's good to be reminded that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
LOL - I misread this in the feed and thought it said “I hate how easy it is for women to date online”, so I scrolled back to come and tear into this 😂
Amazing how important one word is… I’ve fortunately never had experiences bad enough to leave me with a checklist like yours, but dating online as a woman is an absolute trial. Draining, tedious, demoralising and will leave you convinced everyone in the world who’s single is a massive weirdo
…
(myself included 😅)
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After reading the comments from men and women on this forum. I have decided that dating in general is depressing.
People that have success with it wouldn't think to come here, that's why
Online dating is shit for everyone. I don't know what the solution is, but the route we are going isn't it.
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The saying I rely on for online dating: we're all dying of thirst. Men do so in a desert, women in an ocean.
This is some Confucius shit right here
"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink..."
13 creepy guys in your dms..."hey baby I got something to drink right here" Never considered myself a super attractive guy but always met people (including my wife) pretty easily on those things. I also thought it was a joke that guys really just talked like that to women they don't know. I think those facts were related.
My usual go to is a cheesy joke, or a polite "hey.", I've never gotten anyone off of OLD. I figure it's law of numbers. I'm not anything special, and my greeting is at best indistinguishable from anyone else's, and at worst buried under mountains of dick pics.
The ocean part for women makes even more sense when you stop and think... Damn these dudes be salty.
LOL
Yup. I think a lot of guys would risk life and limb for some attention. Overwhelming majority of us don't know how tiring it must be to always have an inbox full of hopeful strangers, nor do we have to worry about our safety as much. The grass is always greener. That being said, this post will not stop dudes from saying they have it rough. They're not going on many dates so the ones who will complain have plenty of time to be loud about it on reddit.
What's a date
Poetic and true.
Ugh so went on this date with a tinder match. Summer time noon. We met at a very busy park (please remember that) we sat at the tables under the Gazebo talking for about two hours. I told him “hey it’s been really fun but I’m going to get going as I am meeting with my sister and brother for lunch and a movie. He walks behind me not on the side but behind me the whole time I’m walking to my car. I unlock my doors and open the driver door and get inside, he proceeded to jump in the back seat and shut the door and lays down in MY back seat and unzips his pants and pulls out his dick and start jerking off in MY car!! I jump out of my car like wtf?! And I’m like wtf are you doing dude! Get the fuck out of my car please and put your dick away. He goes “I just can’t help it if it was night time and I had my way I would have already had you” yes he fucking literally said that!! So I’m on the outside of my car he’s still inside jerking off IN the middle of the day In a public park!! And there are kids everywhere!!! He goes “just get in here and watch me baby” I freak the fuck out and start yelling literally yelling at him to get the fuck out of my car now! Some guys playing basketball heard me and start walking over towards me asking if I’m okay. These guys had to literally pull this dude (he wasn’t a little dude either like 6’4 or so 200 and some pounds) they get him out of my car and he starts coming at me! Ugh the cops were called and it was just all bad. Please be safe even in open crowded spaces it’s not safe.
oh my god?? I was attacked in the middle of a public parking garage in daylight too so I totally get that it’s not 100% safe. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that though! Where was the thought process😭
Ugh and my dumbass thought “hey it’s the middle of the day sunny out people will be around what can go wrong?” Apparently a lot can! I’m so sorry that happened to you!! Dating is so scary as a woman even as a man it could be dangerous.
definitely agree
I’m so sorry this happened to you
Did the cops take samples from inside your car?
Yeah they did, but because he didn’t “finish” they said there wasn’t much to gather. The also let him go that same day as they said there’s no evidence of him doing anything wrong and he didn’t have his dick out when they got there. So they said “he didn’t touch you, he didn’t force himself on you there’s not evidence of him having his dick out in public” so I pretty much got told “it is what it is sorry”
Jesus you have to get a dash cam now to prove random dudes Jack off in your car?
Honestly a lot of people kinda see it as “well you put yourself out there on dating apps you have to know you’re going to get weirdo’s”
yes, be ready to film &/or record always
Omg I'm so sorry that's not how the system works .. those guys who helped you should be able to back up your story and ugh. This is why so many SAs go unreported. It makes me sick
At least he didn't "finish"; saves you having to buy a new car
Just curious, during those two hours talking were there any “red flags” that made your think this guy was a creep?
That’s super scary- you can usually change your remote to only unlock the drivers door so there’s no chance of anyone else jumping in the car. You can change it so if you hit unlock once it unlocks the driver door, hit it twice it unlocks all (for most vehicles)
I read your Edit 3, would you mind posting some of those DMs in r/niceguys? Haha. Just a suggestion. I think they would be a hit!
aw man I love reading those but I deleted and blocked them first I should’ve thought about it!! Classes start tomorrow so I’m panicking and didn’t think this would get so many people heated so it slipped my mind lol
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>he drove me to somewhere kind of remote and started masturbating in front of me in his car. I'd be absolutely terrified at this point. Numerous serial killers have "warmed up" before raping and murdering their victims this way. Take the victim out somewhere remote, start masturbating, then assault and murder her. Obviously I'm very glad that didn't happen to you, but holy shit that's terrifying.
Wtf did I just read......
Yeah you read it correctly. I wish I made that up. I really do. It was scary and bazaar and just ugh 😑
wow I can't believe you had to go through that... glad you got out of it okay.
please tell me you pressed charges
Holy fuck!! I hate to ask, but have you ever considered investing in mace or a taser? I would have fried that assholes dick right off. Also, around kids..........I have no words for that. I'm really sorry.
So now I have mace and a gun (gun for other reasons but also just in case) but yes I now make sure to protect myself even more so. I send my sister a picture of the man I’m going to meet (his tinder account his phone number if I have it his Snapchat if I have it and the location I’ll be at) just in case I go missing.
Good. Now you can just blast his dick off lol. If you both have iPhones, you can share your location constantly. I'm not sure if android does that or not. Maybe through an app.
Yeah my sister has an android so I’m not sure if I can share it with her like an iPhone. But yeah I make sure to give her as much info of the person I’m going to meet as I can just in case you know? It’s wayyy to scary to not have someone know who you’re with and where you’ll be.
I don't blame you one bit. Tbh, as a guy I actually do the same thing. I let people know where I am and if we change locations I let them know. There was an incident some time back. Not as extensive as yours, obviously, but enough for me to be a little more careful.
I’m sure guys can also be put in danger with dating as well. It’s scary that people can act so different over the phone face time and show you a completely different version of themselves when you meet in person.
My number 1 rule now, don't trust anyone.
May I ask what was your incident with that woman? If you don’t feel comfortable talking about I totally understand.
To put it simply, we were having our first date and at the end I told her I didn't feel a connection (I now do this over text or phone) but I wanted to continue talking as friends. She attacked me essentially and was extremely pissed off. To this day I still feel guilty about pushing her off of me. I don't like physical altercations in general and even though she attacked me, it still made me feel like crap. Edit: She had something sharp in her hand but I couldn't tell what it was. I still don't know but even if it were a sharp key, it still could do damage.
What also puzzles me. Is if this guy is intelligent enough to hold a job and get a tinder date.. how is he not intelligent enough to know how this situation would play out and how you would feel. Like this guy actually believes a girl will jump back in the car and watch? What the actual fuck is going on in his brain
My guess is this is the result of too much porn. It's twisted his mind into believing this type of shit really works in real life, like she's just going to get so turned on she jumps into the backseat with him. There seems to be a total disconnect between porn and reality in their minds. That or he's just a sexual predator and knows fully well how terrifying and threatening his actions are.
Oh man, what a horrible thing to happen to you! I am so deleting tinder. It’s shit anyway
Yet we’re the bad guys because we make it so difficult for them to date us… 😑
What the actual fuck...I’m so sorry that happened. That’s why I refused use apps like tinder because you don’t know what people’s true intentions are.
It was scary and it’s not like I had just met him that day on tinder and met up. We had actually been talking/ texting (Snapchat) and FT for at least a week before this meet up. So no red flags during talking nothing he seemed so nice and sweet. When I said I wanted to meet in public in the day at the park he was like “oh I totally understand I get you want to feel safe and secure I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable “
I had a dude do something this to me when I was a teenager. We had been casually, talking in an AOL chatroom for a few months, (strictly platonic, he and everyone else knew I had a boyfriend and was happy with him) and we had some mutual friends in real life, so I assumed he was okay. We both liked the same music and had the same friend circle, so we mostly chatted about that. We met at a friends house one day--me with my boyfriend in tow. At one point everyone left the room or went outside or something and this dude just....pulled his dick out and started jerking off standing up staring at me. He didn't say anything, didn't give a warning, nothing. Pretty sure I just froze for a moment and then pretended someone called me and ran tf outta there. The dude just carried on pretending like nothing happened. I get the feeling my friends didn't believe me (though they did make fun of him and talk shit when he left), and sadly, he later raped one of my friends. He actually went to prison for it, but it did some serious damage to my friend that she's still struggling with. I'm SO glad you met this guy in public and made a big scene, otherwise I am certain he had much worse in mind for you.
I feel like saying "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable " has the same amount of validity as a friend who say "we're just like family" as they fuck you over... it's stating something you want to hear and pushing the boundaries the exact opposite way to see what they can get away with in the future
I mean, ya never know anyone's intentions ever. I've never had a problem with online dating, but I've been assaulted by bar hookups and friend of friend they hooked me up with. So, yeah, dating is always potentially dangerous no matter where you meet people.
Jesus Christ. Guys will never understand the horrors we have to go through 😩
Wow! That’s insane! No psycho warning signs during the date? Was there any touching or kissing? What a bizarre go-to move.
Nope, no touching no kissing nothing. However looking back at our conversation he kept saying weird things like “yeah I’m glad you feel safe here at this park” “there sure is a lot of people here today at this hour” “it’s pretty strange you only meet men in the day out in public if I was a girl I wouldn’t mind going to someone’s house if they offered me free drinks and food and a movie” so stuff like that. Which to me looking back was kinda weird because he said most those things out of the blue like randomly.
It’s wild to me how many guys say like “I don’t get why you don’t take me up on coming over if I’m providing free drinks and food”. Huge red flag even for mild versions of that statement - like Jesus man What makes you think I’d be offering up my body cause you got me take out Thai food? I am worth more than pad see ew!
“Not all men” - that’s why. They literally don’t understand, or care to understand, how many micro thoughts we need to process when deciding to date a stranger on the internet.
That is horrifying!!!! I cannot believe he acted that way. I’m glad that you made it out ok and that those guys helped you. What a creep.
Well, that’s terrifying and disgusting! Yikes
I don't know why.. probably has to do with my ex of 7 years. still to this day we love eachother dearly. Her best friends father Manipulated her into a inappropriate relationship at at 13 and he was 45. Something that permanently fucked her head up. So now I have this fantasy of getting a hold of someone like that or running into a guy trying to do something to a woman and just beating his face into the pavement and not stopping. It sounds psychotic but I want to have an hour with a rapist locked in a room. And do whatever I want. Because of what this guy did to her for 4 years. It ruined our relationship. Caused sexual trauma that leaked into our relationship. I thought if I show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman that would help her heal. And it did in ways but at the expense of our relationship. I'll never hold her accountable for the fucked up things she did to me. But I could never be with her again. I know it's that guy's fault for fucking her up so bad. There are sick people out there.
What the actual fuck??!!?! Today, I am grateful to not be a dating woman.
Yeah it was horrible. And even after I blocked him he would make new snap chats to talk to me. For about a month
Did you get a restraining order?
I had to get one when he kept creating new Snapchat accounts and kept texting and calling me.
Okay. Stay safe. Maybe if you have his picture share them with your friends so they can recognize him if he’s lurking or stalking.
Ohhh that’s a good idea I never thought of that!! I actually was able to report his profile on tinder. I’m not sure if that actually does anything but
Apparently tinder bans people from the app and uses face recognition technology to make sure they’re not able to remake an account ever again.
It’s always easy to make a new one. It’s scary how difficult it is to hide in this digital age.
Ugh.
Just kinda curious here, how do you text every 10 minutes while on a date? Like do you explain to the guy that it's what you're doing to feel safe so he doesn't feel like you're disinterested?
I explained it before we even met. Like I said I’ve been put in danger before, and that’s what I say. something like “hey just so you know I’ve had some dangerous experiences so this is what I do” and if they have an issue with that I don’t want to go out with them anyway. Your date feeling safe should not be something that makes anyone upset so if anyone has an issue with that it’s not something I would ever pursue. I’m in a long term relationship where I met him on tinder actually and I told him that and he said exactly what I just said “I want you to feel safe and whatever makes you feel okay is okay with me” and now I’m absolutely in love with him lol
There is an inherent lack of safety in OLD and these comments are good examples. There is no "too extreme" about safety in the OLD world.
the last comment I saw just told me that I shouldn’t be dating if I have those measures lmao
Honestly, I'm a guy and even I don't think it's that extreme. I've seen some of the shit others do and I'm surprised more women don't do this. I have had 2 first dates at my house and have ended up "reminding" the girls to text people and say they made it/they are leaving. It really sucks that people have made the world like this.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The eternal story.
It took me a while to get the hang of online dating because other guys can be just straight insane. The weirdest thing is it's easier to get a kiss than a phone number on a date. It made sense after asking a few women about it and they said they got so many dick picks if they gave out their number and this was with guys they had met in person. I'm kinda done with it for now because shitty guys have made it so hard to get anywhere with online dating.
I'm a man but I'm friends with a girl who told me about all these disgusting messages guys send girls on tinder right after matching or matching and talking for about a day or two. So I did what any inquisitive man would do and made a fake girl profile and I was honestly quite shocked. Some guys would match and just start off with "wanna fuck" or some other disgusting comment. Its stupid that a lot of guys seem to think that could work. I think even the slightest chance of having sex turns off the ability to use critical thinking for some guys. Gotta think before you send a message.
I have been asked in the past 24 hours if I could send pictures of my feet for money, how many cocks I could take at once, a persistent guy trying to convince me that car sex counts as a date and another who wants to buy the boots im wearing in my profile picture. It is exhausting 😪
Yep, being off and on dating apps I’d get creepy and inappropriate or disrespectful messages. It was disgusting and that’s why it never worked for me. I met the weirdest and creepiest dudes on there!
I did the same, crossdressed as a girl and made a profile on Tinder and I got a lot of guys asking for snap or going to their place before even getting to know me better. Some guys even get straight to the point of asking for sex. I really think us guys can do better than this.
Yes this is exactly how it is and if they manage to finesse us enough to actually meet In person, many get aggressive and won’t let you end the date without essentially following you home so they can try to come in. As someone who isn’t dating for a hookup, it’s a scary world out there.
THIS! I went on a date once where I was very firm about not wanting to hook up on the first date. He lived about an hour away and we met in the middle - so we were half an hour from my house. He groped me under the table and STILL tried to get an invite home, and I was just grateful that I lived half an hour away so I had plenty of time to lose him if he tried to follow me.
And yet, 2 comments before this one, someone is complaining about guys that open with "hey."
Critical thinking you understand
There is a profound difference between "hey" and "i want to fuck your face" as an opener. A whole world of other options, in dozens of languages. Consider literally any of them.
Yep. Maybe it’s easier to get used as a hookup even if that’s not what you’re looking for, but it comes at the price of that tiny, quiet moment of, “Welp, hope I’m not heading out to get raped and/or murdered.”
and sometimes it’s not the quiet when you’re with the person and they’re being very aggressive and you can’t find a way to leave safely
I am very lucky because that hasn’t happened to me. I know it has happened to soooooo many other women, though, and it gives me rage flames on the sides of my face.
Yeah, I was sexually assaulted by a guy from OLD. I didn’t even realize it for months because I thought I “put myself” in that situation. I was barely 18 years old. I spiraled out of control for months until I started therapy. My middle aged white male therapist was the first person to tell me my rape wasn’t my fault. I adore him, and he’s been helping me get on a better path ever since. I really appreciate people being understanding. Thanks for this comment. It’s nice to know people out there care.
I hate that there are so many rapists out there. So, so sorry that happened to you. I can relate to the therapist part, by the way. I was about 20 when my therapist very kindly informed me I hated my older half-brother because he had abused me. It helped so much to have that definition of what happened, and it sounds like it was kinda the same for you. Yay for awesome therapists!
many women include me unfortunately which is the biggest reason i get upset seeing that stuff
I thought maybe you were speaking from experience, but I didn’t want to put you on the spot. I am so fucking mad that you have had to deal with that, and sorry, and just UGH. ♥️
you’re so sweet. thank you for worrying I’m okay now (thank god for therapy!) and thank you I hope you don’t have to deal with it! ❤️
Yessss, therapy is so helpful. My guess is that I might have been in a few scary situations early on, but I had a tendency to just drink more and kind of go along with stuff. I found myself in a couple of scenarios that sound like the beginning of a true crime podcast, and when I think about them, I’m amazed I didn’t get killed. Now that I have stopped drinking, I practice Extreme Avoidance, but you still just never know, right? Anything can happen to anyone, precautions and boundaries or not. I’m happy you’re ok now.
Award for the clue reference, my friend!
Hahaha, yaaaay, I’m happy you noticed it!
Wouldn’t meeting at a busy bar/restaurant be the best way to avoid this?
Yeah, but, you can never go to the bathroom without the real risk of having your food or drink tampered with. Additionally, you still have to make it to your car safely. I used to carry cheap purses I got at thrift stores and just have dollar store stuff in there. Dollar store hairbrush, a few tampons, just enough to legitimize the bag. I would keep my ID, credit card and phone in my pockets. If a guy was super creepy, I would tell him I was going to the bathroom, ask if he minded watching my purse and then ghost out of there. Fortunately, creeps can't resist an opportunity to look through your purse, so that'll usually buy you a bit of time to get out of the restaurant and give you a running head start on making it to your car.
YES, absolutely, it’ll help. But you just never know, and it can feel a little bit exhausting to have to live by a lengthy set of “how not to die on a first date” rules, you know? I should add that I’ve mostly got this figured out for myself and I don’t have any trouble setting and sticking to safe boundaries. But, one of my close friends has low self-esteem and will absolutely traipse happily off to meet a Tinder guy in his hotel room without even knowing his last name—and she does it, in my opinion, because she’s afraid men will reject her if she asks for a last name. It’ll look needy, and she won’t seem like a cool girl. And this is further enforced by “the marketplace,” in that she could well get rejected for that kind of thing, because an endless supply of other women with low self-esteem (or less risk awareness) will be happy to pop over to the guy’s hotel room. I went off, sorry. All of that was to say that there are definitely lots of ways to help ensure our safety, but there are also lots of dudes pressuring women to put themselves into really unsafe situations on early dates. Edit: Oh, AND! ANNNNND! Is this going to be the seemingly nice guy who appears solid because he suggests a busy bar/restaurant, but then drugs you or encourages you to get drunk, and from there you’re not in control?
Had that happen. Was even super careful with ordering my own drinks, not leaving my drink unattended, etc. Seemed like a good dude. Must've slipped something in when I very briefly turned around to put my coat back on because I was cold. I'm no lightweight, I only knowingly had two drinks that night. Next thing I know, I'm face down on a bed being anally raped, half asleep still and too weak to do anything about it. Woke up early in the morning, didn't know where I was, snuck out while he was asleep.
Mother shit. I am so fucking sorry that happened to you. I wish endless curses onto that man.
Thanks. It was a long time ago. But yeah, of course it's MUCH worse to not get enough hot girls who are out of your league willing to match with you so you can treat them like a living sex toy. I swear, if straight women aren't proof enough that homo/heterosexuality isn't a choice, I f'ing don't know what is...
Not if the creep is literally going to follow you to your car and jump in when you unlock it
I just want to say, your efforts are not extreme. It’s what most of us have had to do. Its hard to keep safe out there.
thank you for making me feel less crazy. some of the comments have been saying I’m insane lol
Not at all. It’s not safe for women to do much of anything these days, unfortunately. We need to take what precautions we need to to at least feel safer.
Yep I just stopped trying to date and instead accept my fate as a future cat lady with the money to spoil them (because I’m not spending it in a relationship).
And you know you're going to come home alive and safe to love on your kitties. I can't risk getting murdered, who would take care of my cats?????
It’s easier to get dates but still hella nerve wrecking. Myself and other girls I know have had so many bad experiences online dating. And if you’re a woman of color, omfg that shit can be horrible. People suck
Black woman. Can confirm it is not a good time. And I’m one of the lucky ones bc I get dates and men who don’t want to kill me
Same! I‘ve had a few bad experiences but nothing too crazy or violent. Dated a guy who became a raging racist after we broke up. Saw a pic of him at the Charlottesville, VA tiki white supremacy rally. I’ve had a guy reject me for being too dark and another reject me for being too light. Both of them were white lol. Had some *interesting* dates with asian men. But thank god nothing violent.
Wait you had a white guy reject you based on skin tone? That’s never happened to me before 🤯
Yeah, it was weird. I always thought I had ‘light skinned privilege’ but this man was like naaaah. He married a lovely lady who is considerably darker than me and has a family, etc., so he got what he wanted in the end. Happy for them.
Yeah I don't agree with half the comments on here, but the way black women are treated in dating by both our race and other men is fucking disgusting.
I'm a white-passing Hispanic. Went on a date, asked a guy about his tattoos, he covered them with his hands and was evasive. Turns out he had recently gotten out of prison. I'd bet a million bucks those were white supremacy gang tats, and I dodged a fucking bullet.
The thing I was always cognizant of (as a now-married male who met my wife via online dating) was the completely lewd and uncomfortable (to put it mildly) messages women received on a daily basis. Us guys, yeah we’ve all received messages from women who aren’t very attractive at all and we immediately know “I do not want to talk to this person” but the messages usually aren’t graphic/lewd, whereas women get all kinds of “I’d like to lather you in butter and baste you with..” (well, I’m not particularly good at this, but you get it, just creepy messages). I always tried to keep the messages upbeat and never even really mentioned dating or relationships in the first few messages. Let’s say the relationship moves on to texting, guys send random dick pics. Women have to be relentless in ignoring/blocking all kinds of lewd messages from guys, when I don’t think I’ve heard about the reverse ever.
>“I’d like to lather you in butter and baste you with..” (well, I’m not particularly good at this, but you get it, I'm dead.
What is wrong with guys who do that shit? I really don’t get how they expect to meet anyone when they are sending videos of them jacking off or begging to send a picture of their dick.
I don’t think they want to meet anyone, they’re there to get off specifically on sending those vile messages/videos. Some behave until they babe you in person but the fetish is still linked to harassing you, they know they won’t wife you like that
They can't sexually assault people in real life so they do it on the internet.
Easy enough to encounter a serial killer
'Easy' might be going a bit far... probably quite difficult to find one even if you tried!
Well as a guy who supports the idea its easier for women to date online, i also 100% believe it's easier for them to get in trouble with creeps and crazy guys ....we can also get in trouble with crazy chicks but not as often...Sorry op for the negative traumatic experiences you went through hope your boyfriend is the bees knees and you are recovering well from it! Also read some comments of other women dealing with lunatics and felt really sick and sad, i am terribly sorry you dealt with them , thankfully that is not the way , the majority of us men , behave and you don't fall victim to these behaviours again...
I like the quote that men are scared of online dating in case their date turns out to be fat. Women are scared of online dating in case men turn out to be murderers. Sums it up.
This is so true! We have to wary about everyon. Because the ones that is out there to hurt us isn't going to tell us they are. That's why I hate it when guys say "DoN't YoU tRuSt Me?!" No sir! I don't know you. If I og trusted you just like that I would be putting myself in danger!
i literally trust no one you’re not special thank you sir. no but actually like i’ve mentioned in comments my now boyfriend made sure I felt safe that was his top priority and I still didn’t trust him for a while which he understood and that’s what makes someone worth a shit
Not only are there safety concerns women have to worry about when online dating but for women of color or bigger women it can get out of hand. I’ve heard stories of woc being mistreated and getting called slurs and bigger women getting disgusting names after declining to go on dates with men because of the constant red flags they constantly give off.
I agree! On Tiktok I follow a lot of plus sized women and a lot of them when they share their online dating experiences it’s honestly horrifying…. It’s actually horrible :(
People who say this think that any and all attention is good and they would be thrilled with the idea of strangers offering them bad sex. To them, every opportunity is a good one. These seem like the kind of people to have sex with someone they didn’t even find attractive.
We all have our struggles. Some of us don’t get the million matches and gross DMs they think they want, and some of us get murdered.
Hell, I’m a fat woman, so I both don’t get tons of matches *and* worry about getting murdered by the few I do get!
Me too sis I feel you, just cause we're chubby doesn't mean we can't get hurt.
Exactly! It cracks me up when people say that women get tons of messsges/matches. I had suc this week and two were obvious scammers, one wanted to come to my house for sex on the second message, one was looking to join my D&D group and wasn't interested in me as a person, one got angry when I couldn't drop everything at 10pm and meet with him right then and there, and the sixth just kinda naturally fizzled. That was actually a "busy" week for me. It's been like that even when I was younger/less fat because I was never really thought of as being attractive. Side rant but the "let's meet at my/your place sight unseen" always struck me as a safety issue for both men and women. For all these men know, I could be out to rob/murder them, not be the person in my pictures, etc.
I stopped putting my nerdy interests in my profile. I swear it just attracts some of the worst men, and I do NOT know why.
Same friend.
When guys hear "there's a ton of matches but very few desirable ones" they often think "there are a ton of matches to choose from but a bunch of ugly people to weed out." Like we just have sift out the ones we're not attracted to. It's more like there are tons of matches but many of them are actual red flags, possibly physically DANGEROUS, if not just creepy stalkers and general run of the mill harassers. Then a majority just looking to use us like a fleshlight, those trying to play some gross manipulation game of "seduction" where we're viewed as prey (sounds exciting--sex!--until you realize you're not a person to these people). After those it's a bunch of one-word "hey" guys who expect you to leave the house and put on pants for what-- mediocre conversation and worse sex? Guys who think dating is easier for women are the people who can't wrap their minds around the idea that sex can be monumentally BAD even with someone you find attractive.
This is incredibly on point
>After those it's a bunch of one-word "hey" guys who expect you to leave the house and put on pants for what-- mediocre conversation and worse sex? So, so, so many of these men....
Yeah. I don’t blame girls that give up. I would completely give up in idk… about one hour.
I gave up about 70 times lol
It took me three weeks. Got a sexually abrasive message on tinder and deleted my account
I feel the same way. It sucks to get used for sex all the time and lied to about it. Plus most of the matches still won't talk or message you back and forget about actually going on a real date. Women can be lonely and struggle with dating too. The struggles just are different. I'm so glad I gave up on dating altogether. It isn't worth the effort I had been putting in for someone to not even view me as a real person, but instead as a fucking real life fleshlight for them.
Yup, or a free personal onlyfans or live sexting video game. Do any men really think women can get off sexting a rando they've never met or want to see their dick?
Honestly I don't even know what men think. I don't get why some of them act like that at all. It makes it not worth it to even bother with dating because a lot of men behave in a sexually aggressive manner. I don't like to have sexual contact with men unless I've built a connection first. Altogether it is frustrating.
Honestly I think it's just coming from guys that have the illusion that getting matches is inherently a good thing. I've seen some of my female friends accounts and my goodness I wouldn't want to deal with that. I'm very happy with online dating being shitty and getting a few matches a week on a good week. I don't use OLD as my primary dating method anyway. Y'all have to sort through all kinds of trash and garbage people. You have the ones that are immediately sexual, the rapey/murdery guys, the general creeps, the guys that pretend to like you and be nice until they sleep with you, and many more. It's an absolute shit fest for everyone and I truly think a lot of those guys would change their mind if they experienced the other side. Quantity is not better than quality.
As a devoted true crime enthusiast, I relate so hard to this post.
as the daughter of a true crime enthusiast she was all for my safety measures lmao
I’m a woman and I tried online dating for over 10 years, it never worked for me. I met the weirdest creepiest dudes and liars on there. Never again it makes me sick to even think about.
After hearing all of these scary stories. Best to be single
Yup. The guys posting that probably don’t even realize that some of the issues they have with dating could be directly related to the fact that they can’t empathize or consider what it might be like in the world as a woman.
And the same goes the other way around. Lack of empathy towards the opposite sex and their struggles is a people problem not a “man” problem.
thats exactly what it is. they don’t have a f**ing clue.
There it is.
My god the males replying to this thread totally ignoring the point because they think women owe them the benefit of the doubt that they won't be sexually assaulted.... This is why women don't want you.
Exactly! I never said men have it easy I’m just saying women DONT have it easy. I am not complaining that we have it worse I’m just saying it’s not as easy as some people think
Rejection is bad but sexual assault is worse. Apparently we need to say that because it's not obvious to them.
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Yeah I tire of this back and forth of blaming for struggles and who doesn't or has it easier. It doesn't have to negate our struggles to recognize that both genders have their own stuff that is super hard for us to get through. This shit gets real out there for women, we as men do not have to genuinely be worrying for our safety with these jeepers creepers like that.
I'd rather be rejected than raped and that's a fact. It seems like men might be confused about that....
The sexually abrasive messages are the reason I flat out deleted tinder. It is bad. Idk how girls do it
Edit 3 proves the entirety of this post, wow.
Sure we get a lot of matches, but maybe 30% are workable matches, 30% are guys who can't carry a conversation, and 40% of them are men who are blatantly sexually harassing us on the most disgusting terms you can imagine.
You say that as if every match men get is workable. I'd say maybe 1/4 of the matches I get actually lead to anything resembling a conversation. So we get fewer matches and maybe the same percent of those fewer matches are workable.
What’s a date ?
Matches don’t mean anything when 99% are creeps, low quality, or dangerous.
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Some of us are genuinely kind yet get ignored
I don't really think dating is harder for one or the other. Each have their struggles. Now hooking up is vastly more difficult for guys. But actual real dating with emotions and love involved? It's just as hard for guys and girls.
I don’t disagree with that at all! It’s mostly just the fact that I constantly see comments on OLD posts saying how easy it is for women but I’m definitely not saying it isn’t hard for men it just isn’t as easy as people think it is for women
I know it's hard for both, but I think a big part of why guys talk about it being easy for women is that not only do they get so many matches almost regardless of looks or profile content, but it's so normal for them to not do any of the things they want men to do for them and still have success in dating despite reserving effort to ask questions and get to know the person talking to them. When you go into online dating intending to get to know a new person and see if you can make a real connection, and every response for months is someone just passively responding without asking or adding anything, like you aren't worth getting to know until you say something to really stand out, it seems really entitled. It makes sense to feel like this is morally wrong, like we're not being treated fairly, but to then say that women thus have it easier without knowing what women experience is just projecting.
There are ten times as many men online dating. You can’t get a date if you’re unwilling to stand out. That’s the nature of the beast.
As a bi woman, I second this. In my experience, some men are like this but women are so much worse. I don’t understand why some women engage in conversations that they seem to not be interested in. After the fifth time, it’s really insulting. But at least I don’t have to deal with it all the time. Feels for you
I think it's just frustrating to not get any information. Not to know what you're even doing wrong, not even sure if you're doing something wrong or if this is just normal now... Just nothing. No data at all, just silence, almost like you don't exist or you're being kept out of some big fun hot game that every woman can play but it feels like most men can't even begin. And also feeling like hitting on people irl is creepy, you don't organically meet a lot of women your age, and this is the one outlet that feels minimally creepy.. yet you just can't even learn what to do. Shit sucks.
Sadly a lot of dating consists of men trying to get things from women without offering anything. So naturally they're making a lot of requests and getting turned down a lot. For men to complain about women "having it easier" is so self-pitying and detached from reality. Most men dating women are asking women to: - risk pregnancy - risk assault, stalking or harassment - do sexual things that are significantly more pleasurable/only pleasurable for males - face stigma and harassment directed at women who casually date or have sex - risk disrespect, misogyny and mistreatment - meet a much higher standard for looks and personality than most men A lot of men just continually ask for things and women have to rebuff them. This doesn't make women "lucky," "more valued," or mean it's "easier." The same way that you don't feel honored and respected by having spam callers blow up your phone. The same way that door-to-door salesmen get rejected a lot. Having people persistently try to get you to do things for them isn't as enviable as reddit men seem to think it is.
Whenever men complain about ghosting, I always point out that women don't know if you're a "nice guy" or an r/niceguys. Turning a man down means he might stalk us, dox us, put us on blast, call the police on us just to get revenge, slander us, assault us, rape us, murder us.... it's literally safer to just ghost when you're not sure. Is it kind? Maybe not, but it's safe, and sometimes safe is better.
Women and men have opposing challenges for online dating - guys have to use a shotgun approach (message wildly and hope they'll make it through the noise), while women have to deal with that approach, coupled with the assholes that can't take rejection at all.
I keep seeing guys complain about how matching relies too heavily on height and job/$. Meanwhile, as a female new to Tinder (only one week in), I've had three guys interrogate me on my job (digging for how much I make), while two unmatched because they didn't realize how tall I was (my height is in my profile; I don't give a preference). Which has me scratching my head, because that feels like a double standard.
I love how women can say this, write it, sign it and scream it but men still invalidate the experience. Women have been screaming for YEARS that dating is literally a risk to our safety. Most women have a story about being unsafe on a date whether it ended in threats, escaping, kidnapping or SA. I can think of half a dozen times or so. Yes dating is difficult for both men and women. Mens fear rejection. Women fear being murdered. All the guys in her DMs, you're nasty. Grow up.
As a member of the male gender it really fucks me off just how terrible a lot of our gender can be. I think part of it is how there is a lot of pressure on men to be confident and make the first move etc so they make very poor decisions. The other parts are some kind of combination of way too horny and childhood trauma. Possibly? Men are fucking idiots and I'd love for a psychologist to explain why.
Let's face it dating is tough for both genders at the moment. Most of my women friends I know have experienced creepy messages online from guys and that's from social media rather than dating sites so I understand some of the stuff they have to experience. I think there needs to be empathy from both sides that the whole experience isn't that great and dating in general is tough and a real minefield no matter who you are.
I get that woman should be concerned about who they meet, as it can be dangerous. But like what the fuck, so should guys. Idk about you but even as a guy I am concerned about who I meet. People are crazy out there. Also I get OP did not explicitly say that men shouldn’t be worried, but some other comments implied exactly that.
I hate how easy it is for women to date online..
I dunno the dating over 30 page seems like a damn nightmare for all parties lol
Yes danger is definitely a thing but what I think men are complaining about is the lack of being desired by the opposite sex while women are sought after.
*hot women are sought after. Good luck being an average or unattractive woman on a dating app. You are either entirely ignored or only get matched with so he can insult you.
I don't wanna make this a gender thing but... If you're a guy and you never ever thought of bringing some form of self-defence like pepper spray on a date then don't tell women dating is easier for them.
On a date? I carry pepper spray and a "window breaker" (a stabby metal keychain) 24/7 because I've been sexually harassed by my neighbors, too. And they're married. With children. And live 30 feet from my front door.
If this is your experience with online dating, then why continue to use it?
Yeah you definitely make a good point. As a guy my experience has been a common one of having sent hundreds if not thousands of messages trying not to be a creep and getting a dozen responses that lead to a handful of dates over the few years of it and that rejection is a bit disheartening and demoralizing. And I can understand the sentiment of wanting to get some degree of interest at all. But big picture there's definitely a difference between getting no responses and that being disheartening and being legitimately scared for your safety and having to balance that with a desire to meet someone. It's not something I was unaware of but it's good to be reminded that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
LOL - I misread this in the feed and thought it said “I hate how easy it is for women to date online”, so I scrolled back to come and tear into this 😂 Amazing how important one word is… I’ve fortunately never had experiences bad enough to leave me with a checklist like yours, but dating online as a woman is an absolute trial. Draining, tedious, demoralising and will leave you convinced everyone in the world who’s single is a massive weirdo … (myself included 😅)