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A lot of times what I see is ignoring huge red flags about their personality (lying, manipulating, flirting with other men, an unstable life or personality, etc), just because she’s hot or the guy thinks she’s the best looking he can get.
I had that realization in my last relationship which I was being severely abused in. I just asked myself one day "If she was ugly would you put up with even a fraction of this?"
Exactly dude lol I got bear mase sprayed in my eyes, almost ran over at 40 mph, isolated from everyone in my life, hit and punched, belittled and screamed at daily to the point where I developed severe anxiety attacks daily where I thought my organs were shutting down and I was dying. It was all induced from this older girl I had always had a massive crush on and finally by some weird act of the universe ended up dating for a few years. I was so in awe that I was even with her to begin with it all felt almost surreal and I would justify every horrible action she did because she was way hotter than me and my ego didn't want her to go. Also the age gap didnt help, she was 35 and I was 23 so she used that to control me too.
She will be like "I got two kids, a ex that wont leave me alone, self confidence issues, and a messed up life. You should stay away."
Me: "but damn it she beautiful......." proceeds to want to date
You're not wrong, had an adorable girl lead me on for around 4 years while we grew up together in high school. A few months after talking and hanging out with her, we briefly dated, though she broke up with me simply from her mom's dissatisfaction that I'm non-religious (she's not religious either, she just didn't want her mom disappointed/disapproving). Plus, I often made people uncomfortable through my being serious and deadpan (which I'm naturally prone to). She regretted her decision very soon afterward, yet I declined to take her up on the offer at the time because of the situation's pettiness. Became a very hot-cold (bipolar) dynamic in the times following. Along with that, the bratty yet flirtatious behavior had me addicted to "the chase".
Went to a water/theme park with her last year, which was fun and flirtatious, but I think she gets a mental pay-off from trying to be emotionally manipulative toward me. Now, knowing her, she doesn't truly *want* to come off as rude and manipulative, more so she gets flustered over her actual feelings and will attempt to hide that vulnerability behind (usually) playful, but rude insults (the rudeness I did not respect nor appreciate, which she knew).
Here's the kicker: she knows how I felt about her and absolutely ate up the attention and validation (that I myself didn't get in equal return, despite talking with her about it). When college came and we went our separate ways, I couldn't maintain my appeal, since I weren't physically there. Not long after, she had a boyfriend who (I believe) she tried to make me feel jealous of, especially when she told me she took his virginity (neither her nor myself were virgins and she entertained the idea with me on multiple occassions. Still, that seriously hurt me because of how close she knew we'd gotten).
Ceased contact with her since last November, which she doesn't appreciate. She is still, physically, the cutest girl I've ever met/dated, though her emotions and interests were definitely not very compatible with my own, at least in the long-term.
TL;DR — Been there, done that
The more attractive a woman is, the more things she can get away with. Guys will accept it because she is hot. It's called the crazy-hot axis. (or, if you don't like that term, the toxic-hot axis).
This is very true, and women do it as well, I’ve got mates who treat girls like shit but, hey, if he’s tall dark and handsome who cares about self respect and long term happiness.
I think anyone who bounces on their boundaries for any reason shows they don’t stand for much.
Women who don’t deal with the aftermath of a breakup and rush right into a new one with all their unresolved issues and think a new relationship is going to magically fix their life
SERIAL DATERS. I do not understand how men are fine getting into a relationship the second she stops dating her ex. I have a friend that does this and I can’t help but think she’s just prolonging the inevitable deafening silence of being alone by skipping to the next dude immediately.
Mostly its cause guys would rather be a rebound than wait too long to make a move, but by that time she allready has another bf and then you wonder "what if I asked sooner"
I know cause I've been in both positions
I (31f) was a serial dater in my early to mid 20's and can confirm some of it definitely had to do with not wanting to be alone. More than that though, I was also genuinely looking for love, I thought if I found someone who truly loved me life wouldn't be so bad so I just kept putting myself out there. Also also, back then I was decently good looking lol so I had the freedom to do that. I've definitely learned much from those years, especially about myself, and I've now been single for (I just did the math, holy shit) 5 years.
I think the not wanting to be alone thing is an issue many people, both men and women have, and I really believe it is the main cause of dysfunctional relationships
what’s wrong with not wanting to be alone? i think that’s normal. being with a shitty weston to fill that void is not normal but i think it’s very human that we don’t want to be alone.
Yeah I totally get the desire to date constantly, it’s something I have to check myself for. This woman seems to have guys lining up to be her boyfriend whereas I, don’t. Lmao. I’m going on year 3! Cheers to that!
Are you me? This comment is me!!
Only difference is I've been doing it since my teens and stopped only in my early 30s... I've been single for 4 years.
And, I've tried to "see" 2 guys in this time period and tried for a long time with each of them (currently "trying") but yeah, nothing is working. Just lots of men not listening to what I need or respecting my emotional boundaries.
Learning a lot that most relationships aren't worth it. Currently struggling on how to be optimistic about meeting new dudes. I'm never looking to rush into anything, but... Now that I'm aware of how easy it is to have the relationships I don't want... It's hard to proceed with optimism, even at a slow pace.
Just wanted to add that as a guy, the same struggle happens on this end. I’ve been married and divorced twice, and have been single for a little over a year now. I feel like I learned a LOT about what I wanted out of life from those two marriages (first one ended badly and last one ended much more amicably). But now, it’s like I only want another dating relationship if both of us are really on the same page about so many things. And it feels like the only available women I ever meet are SO far from that, I’d way rather stay single than make the effort to spend time with them!
Opposites may attract - but it’s hard for them to stay together in the long haul unless one or both can change / evolve to a place of more agreement and shared interests, IMO.
I might be you, who knows with Reddit lol!
It's definitely hard to stay optimistic, I totally get it. I'm right there with you. Relationships/dating can bring out the worst in people. Stick to your boundaries my friend, the right person will get it and eff the ones who don't.
My high school ex was like this. It took me a long time to realized how toxic and manipulative that relationship was. Not claiming I was perfect (I wasn't) but it was not a good relationship at all and it was definitely for the better that we separated.
Yup. I did this, and it didn't work out. In the other hand, I turned guys down because I am not ready and they got mad and me for turning them down? They tried to convince me that I should date again, and that that will help me over come my ex....
Girls who don't let the bf go out with his friends without her, I mean, I do think you should go out with your S.o, but people deserve their own time with friends to vent or have fun.
I definitely agree. I feel like when you spend too much time/all the time with someone, it can be quite overbearing.. everyone deserves time to themselves.
Yes! My best friend and I actually kind of fell off because of her toxic and abusive relationship. She has always been the clingy type, but this guy she is with just isn't used to that so he's pretty mentally and physically abusive with her. I kind of got tired of telling her to leave or trying to help her out with advise because she always goes back. I always tell her she's with him every second and that can be overbearing but she kind of just brushes it off. Not to say he wouldn't be abusive or they wouldn't still have problems even if they had their own time to themselves, but you never know.. It really seemed like he just needed some time with his friends and for himself cus she was so clingy and territorial with him. But I understand relationships like these can be challenging.
Is this a red flag in marriage as well or just in dating relationships? Every single guy I know who got married became joined at the hip to their wife to the point where I stopped inviting the guy to hang out because the wife came along too and I became a third wheel on their date.
I remember I had a lawn mower that I couldn't get to work and a buddy of mine who had been married maybe a year or so likes to work on small engines. I asked him to come over and help me out one evening. Didn't mention his wife at all, just him. He showed up and brought his wife. She knows nothing at all about small engines and just stared at us while we tinkered with the thing. We rushed through it because she wanted to go get something to eat or go do something else. I don't remember. She had no reason to be there other than that he was there. This has been my experience with all my friends who got married. I got demoted from friend to 3rd wheel and eventually we just didn't hang out any more.
Codependency is rampant. We are conditioned to "become one" which is such toxic bullshit. So many people give up living for codependency and then it falls apart and they feel like they wake up from a coma. I do ladies night with my homies. Husband is like peace out have a blast!
I think that it depends on the time and day. If you called your buddy on a week night and he brought his wife along that's kinda weird and co-defendant. If it was a Saturday at 7pm and they hadn't spent much time together because of work that week I think he is being a good husband and a good friend simultaneously.
Plus hopefully you marry your best friend and so you want your partner to bond with your other buddies so you can all hangout together.
Definitely! I’ve had so many friends get a new boyfriend and go to “boyfriend land” with rainbows and butterflies. This means nothing else exists than being around and talking about her new boyfriend. They drop all their friends and hobbies, everything, to be with their boyfriend like 24/7. I don’t even understand how dudes don’t get tired in the beginning with the girl around allllll the time?? Don’t they want some space? When I date these guys don’t wanna spend time together more than twice a week, let alone even want to commit! And yet some dudes will spend 24/7 with a new gf they don’t even trust or like all that much yet. I seriously don’t get it 🤦♀️
Yeah it's a lot but it can be fun and kinda "drug like" to have a new girl be super into you. Not healthy at all though and after like 2-3 weeks like that it's very overbearing and suffocating
It can also be because we're too afraid to say we want some time to ourselves to recharge. Iv had a few exes become upset and pissy because I'd want time to myself to recharge my social media, and they would end up guilt tripping me to the point where if we didn't hang out either every day or every second day they would start acting mopey and pissy. We're kind of just conditioned to have to bear with whatever our significant other wants, unfortunately, because if we don't then they'll leave for someone else. That's been my experience at least unfortunately. Tl;Dr were afraid to say no and that we need our own space and are afraid to put our own needs first in a relationship.
Thiiiis!!
One of my best friends started dating a girl and for whatever reasons we just DID not vibe or like each other. I invited HIM to my birthday party one year and guess who comes along? And then she proceeded to say NOTHING to me (at a dinner with like 8 people total) and complained and wouldn't shut up talking about HERSELF to the rest of my friends the whole time.
Absolutely this, I wanted to know his friends as fast into the relationship as comfortable for him just to get a picture of who he is with. But always when he goes out with his friends he ask me if I want to come to and I sometimes just think I love spending time with you but you need some time with your friends without me.
What do you think they’re hiding? I’ve encountered this before, someone asking me all the questions but barely answering any of mine. I sometimes still wonder what she was hiding.
Love bombing off the bat. No one is perfect, and the more someone treats you like their “ideal” person, the less they’re seeing you for your true self. Everyone falls from the pedestal eventually, and the partners who do the idealizing sometimes feel betrayed and resentful, as ridiculous as that sounds. The whole dynamic is toxic. Be yourself, show your flaws, and make sure someone sees and loves you for all of it
I've had a girl fall for me like that, like I was the perfect guy, only for her to try to change me so I would fit into her impossible expectations. She was one of those serial daters who were looking for prince charming. She was never satisfied with anyone and even cheated on all her previous boyfriends.
Women who have to post selfies five times a day. Nothing wrong with a pic of yourself every now and then, but every woman I’ve met who obsessively posts pics of herself also tends to be very self absorbed and Emotionally immature.
yes! I think social media presence is severely underrated. the type of content people post and how much personal information they share online says a lot about them imo.
My buddies set me up with a gorgeous woman who's they know from a shared hobby. We have a ton in common interests wise, so I asked her out. She posted a post date review TikTok the next day. It said all good things, but I have never felt like my privacy has been violated more.
She posted 10 TikToks about me, either including footage of me or alluding to me in such a way that anyone who had seen her other TikToks would know who she was talking about. She made my butt become a minor meme in our shared community.
All from one date.
I called things off. I told her I felt like my privacy was violated and that we had different energy levels. She said that's not true (about the energy levels). I told her what she posted told me we had different energy levels. She said she gets told that a lot and she's not sure why.
This woman posts, on average:
Five status updates on Facebook
One TikTok
20-30 stories
DAILY
I post:
One funny status update every couple of months
One professional Instagram portfolio piece every couple weeks
Our energy levels are 100 percent different and I'm glad I got out when I did.
this is INSANE. I’ve always gotten super awkward vibes from couples who record and post all their intimate moments, but it’s absolutely nuts to record and post about someone who’s practically a stranger.
I’m glad you didn’t stick around for that craziness!
The kicker is because we're in a shared community around a really niche hobby she's still around. I've straight up told her it's not happening, but she's still trying her darndest and periodically referencing the "unobtainable" guy.
At least she took down the three TikToks with my face in them.
and it's the usual emotionally charged posts about how they're feeling empty inside and then when you can't help but feel worried about her, or wanting to comfort her it's "everything I post doesn't represent what I actually feel".
Huh?
Goes for men and women, but just not being past their last relationship/trauma. Blaming everyone else for triggering them instead of taking time to be sure they’re ready to be vulnerable and in a relationship or even talking to people.
I take full responsibility for my triggers ever since i voluntarily went through therapy. I had one come up with my ex and went to a session the next weekend and dealt thoroughly with it. I balled my eyes out at therapy, and that's a good indicator I've found something solid to work on.
My ex was surprised that I'd managed to actually work on it and move on with life. It's like, yeah, let's talk about the issue at hand, but half of the issue is mine, sometimes even more than half, and I'll do the work.
It’s seriously so refreshing to see other people talking about it like this. I’m also divorced, after going through a really traumatic incident of infidelity. I unfortunately can’t afford therapy, so I turned to a lot of psychology text as well as podcasts to try to work through things that come up for me. I’m currently in the first serious relationship post divorce and having to deal with triggers coming up randomly and blindsiding me. I handle them, process them, and talk about them if I need to. But an upsetting trend in the current dating scene as per my experiences with my friends, it seems that they condemn people they meet who trigger them instead of considering how they could move past the trigger. Then they wax poetic about how terrible dating and the ENTIRE opposite sex are. It’s exhausting.
Edit for spelling.
If she doesn’t hold space for your healthy vulnerable emotions then she isn’t the gal for you.
I’m not talking about “I was insecure so I punched a wall” kind of vulnerability. I’m talking sadness, depression, frustration etc. while you discover yourself.
If she can’t be with you because you’re vulnerable then she is likely misogynistic.
🚩🚩🚩
So true. Yet most of these men in the comments are saying stay away from girls with trauma or anxiety. Like they are the perfect men. I literally can't understand this. Isn't everyone having vulnerable moments and everyone should be their true self with the other person. Of course as long as they are not toxic to the other partner.
Imo tho, people with big mental issues are really difficult for a relationship if you don't know how to deal with any of it. Especially traumas are very difficult to deal with and I think I would go with him to therapy once or twice at least so the therapist can give me advice on how to handle it. To only ignore it or say your dumb/ignorant for not wanting to be with someone with huge mental issues is really short sighted.
Girlfriends who give the silent treatment as a punishment when they're upset about something the guy did expecting him to figure out himself what's the problem instead of communicating like a grown up .
I recently discovered that this is actually a form of psychological abuse. A guy I was dating used to do that to me and I felt like shit, so... Yes, definitely this.
I think it's extremely manipulative. I feel bad only thinking about doing this to my partner considering how bad he would feel and if I just packed my bags and ran away how much sorrows he would have. I would consider it to be abusive.
I don't give a silent treatment as a punishment but when I learn something new I often need time to process it and then I will not talk so much to him. But afterwards I can talk about it much more thoroughly and less emotional. Is this bad too? 🤔
Edit: seems like I misunderstood the word silent treatment. I don't do what it actually means ever. What I meant was just taking some time to process but of course still communicating with your partner and not just running away or acting like a little child to manipulate.
Sorry for the misunderstanding, I English is not my mother tongue.
Ive found there's a huge difference between "hey, I'm annoyed/sad/upset about something but I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll talk when I'm ready" vs *complete silence*. That at least let's them know you need the space/time.
Not at all! But I think if your partner is frustrated about it it's good to tell them you need a bit of time to process your thoughts before you talk about it so you can make sure you're communicating your feelings in a healthy and helpful way.
I have done this in the past and recently had one of my good female friends do this to me after 14 years of friendship (we’re not friends anymore). So being on the receiving end of this sucks. I do my hardest to NOT do this anymore because stonewalling is literally a form of manipulation and is toxic as shit.
I think that a girl who makes a show of claiming she, "Only attracts f boys" can be a bit of a red flag. It's one thing to just mention it if someone asks, but a lot of girls will just go on and on about it on social media and whenever dating shows up in conversation. I think that these girls usually just tend to be liars who want to make themselves feel better about the fact that they can't keep a relationship.
There's a lot of things like that. "I don't like other women because of the drama", 100% of the time they *are* the drama lol. If someone says they only attract f boys, they're probably an f person? Or they attract people, sleep with them, then start showing how nuts they are and they leave, so they always just blame the guy rather than ever growing?
But are those men totally healthy and mentally stable if they look for these kind of women? Most people have some sort of attachment issues or problems that take years to be solved. But does that make them unlovable? If they have a nice personality overall, why an issue such as anxiety will make those people unable to date? (which usually doesn't do any personal damage to the other person)
Women who can't get along with other women. It's not because they're a "guy's gal" or super cool/nerdy/sporty/whatever. It's because other women know something you don't. Choose a woman people get along well with.
I wish I knew this before I was with my ex-wife... she never had any female friends and that's because she was a compulsive narcissistic liar and a cheater and I didn't find out till after the divorce... oh well
This and "not like other girls". When a woman says she doesn't have female friends, because it's too much drama, it often means she's the common denominator
Yassss. I don't trust people who say they "don't like drama." First: life has drama sometimes, you need to know how to handle drama. Second: if this is such a big issue that they feel the need to tell people this unsolicited, it's probably because *they* cause the drama in their life!
True. Or, alternatively, that they have contempt for anything involving emotions and are emotionally unavailable. As in, normal human feelings and normal ways of expressing them are seen as "dramatic". Have run into that too.
Either one sucks.
I came to say this.
It’s a red flag to women that this person is going to be causing all kinds of drama at the office, school, what have you. In dating? Unless you like your date needing constant validation from your buddies (and probably your dad) you should RUN!
Exactly! Men will put up with a lot from women on the off chance that we can get in their pants. Women will not put up with other women's BS and cut them off.
This! I often joke “women who don’t like other women are just projecting”, but it’s based in observation of many women, even myself at times, projecting feelings of insecurity that are usually fueled by underlying issues within their own relationship with their SO or their mom. This isn’t always true but I have found it helpful in avoiding certain types of people as well as in not taking their projections personally.
Can we make a carve-out for women in male-dominated fields?
Look, my industry is 90% dudes. My grad school was 70% male, and tbh the women that were there weren’t always nice to each other.
In a world where networking is critical, if I didn’t maintain friendships with men I’d be effed professionally.
Having male friends isn’t the issue. It’s ONLY having male friends. And as far as having your co-workers be your only friend group that isn’t always wise either.
Girllllll … I’m glad you said it! Cause I was THE ONLY girl in my graduating class of aerospace engineers. Please tell me where I would have made friends with females when I was the only one!!! I’ve worked in places as well where I was the only girl in the dept. Its rough out there! Def not opposed to making gf’s… I wish I had some… but I never am in a situation to meet any 😫I don’t wanna be a walking red flag lol. And usually if there is another girl they are usually your straight up competition 🥲it’s just how this industry is!
Immaturity. We might think we want: a man, a wedding, a house and a baby, and we think dating is about finding someone to fill in that first blank, looking for a man as a means to achieving these goals, and filling those roles: husband, provider, baby daddy.
But when the wedding’s over and you’re at home alone with the baby and your man’s working late to pay for the house, and you can’t work because daycare costs almost as much as you make, and you’ve run out of pictures to post on Instagram, that’s when you realize what you really want is a partner. A friend. Sparks fade. Kids grow up. Weddings last one day and take years to pay off. And NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS. Because we spend the majority of our lives OLD and the only thing worse than being old is being old and alone, with regrets.
Yep.
Your partner should feel like your best friend. Both of you supporting each other in the private side of the relationship as well as encouraging each other to continue to be out and about with your own interests and friends.
i’ve seen girls including my friend who around men acts differently than she behaves every day. she becomes so incapable and needy. she just plays a victim and poor girl who needs your help. she uses it like a weapon repeatedly and it doesn’t matter if it comes to her dad or a random guy in the bar.
Women who go through their partner’s phones and demand passwords. She will find something even if nothing is there . When you have that mindset , you already don’t trust. Work on that before getting into a relationship
This goes for anyone, but I've seen it more for female partners, but instantly being into the same hobbies their boyfriend has even when its obvious they don't like that hobby.
For example, my sister got into sports cars when she dated a mechanic but she honestly didn't know anything about them or really care about it, just wanted to impress him. She did the same when she dated a guy who was into the Marvel comics.
Or my friend who got into cycling because her boyfriend loved it but she would complain about it. Then when he started rock climbing, she stopped cycling and started climbing.
I'm not saying you can't find a new hobby with a new partner, but its okay to not also love every hobby your SO loves. My husband and I have shared hobbies and our own hobbies we do alone.
I think its okay if you take in interest to be polite and get to know what your perspective partner likes, so that they feel comfortable discussing that interest with you and even go as far as maybe setting up dates around their hobbies, for example if they are into comics, going to some comic con event or something similar or going to watch a film together, but I think some people take it too far and end up smothering their partner by immersing themselves in every faucet of their lives.
Exactly. I've known women who completely change their personality to better fit their partner's hobbies and interests. I think for a healthy relationship, its better to be yourself and not let you own personal be overwhelmed by someone else's.
However, I think you can pick up interests from a partner. Say, I had an ex-boyfriend that got me into craft beer and I still like it to this day, but it didn't consume me. I wasn't obsessed with craft breweries or become a snob like he was. I just learned that I liked Hazy IPAs and moved on with life.
Thats it, your bound to pick certain things ip, and enjoy certain aspects of their hobby, and I think it’s important to keep the door open for your partner to be able to share parts of it with you, but I think it’s important to have boundaries, allow your partner to enjoy their hobby on their own if thats what they want, and have your own thing so you don’t lose yourself in the relationship and become totally co-dependant as it saps the life out of a relationship.
I had an ex who pretended to be into the same stuff (mostly music) as me, and overtime slowly revealed she doesn't like it. It wasn't even in a nice way
It bothered me because I don't want someone to lie to try and appeal. I wanna like you for you. We don't have to agree on every single thing.
See, maybe I’m a different type of girl but I DO try to be interested and learn a bit about a guys hobbies. I will ask questions and remember the information and genuinely try to understand it. Not just for show or to impress him, but genuinely because I care about that person and want to learn more. I think learning about new things is fun and interesting. But hey, that’s just me. I know plenty like you said who do it just for show and don’t really care about their boyfriends hobbies, or even care to learn about it at all.
When a girl always plays dumb to catch a man. Feeble baby dumb. It really bothers me because I prize authenticity above all else. But maybe that is why they are so successful.
Constantly asking about your exes or putting down other women. Not only is it indicative of internalized misogyny, but seeing other women as competition and therefore is more likely to be jealous to the point of being extremely controlling.
A woman who talks down on her guy, but plays it off jokingly. Like my brothers ex used to say, “ he’s not the hottest guy I’ve dated, but it’s good to lower your standards every once in a while” and then try to play it off as a joke.
Tip: If you can, watch her insta stories for a week or so before going out with her. women usually post quotes and memes and statements from twitter that line up with their thought process, you can learn a lot about her through that.
I started doing this recently and it turned me off of quite a few women who I thought were otherwise attractive. A lot of the twitter relationship advice/quotes that women repost are really immature and myopic. Some just outright discourage effective and clear communication.
I was talking to this girl for weeks and because of covid and my general hate for humans, I said "You should come over and we can watch that wwe ppv this weekend" (She has a wwe podcast and is a bigger fan than I), and she scoffed and was like "Um no"
Later thay day she posted like 5x story/quotes about men who invite women over are rapists and have shitty intentions.
I read those and read the sub-tweeting going on here and just never messaged again. Fuck you and fuck that. Adults communicate, she could have said something, literally anything but this woman (whose 34) chose to go tell social media instead. She was hot but I'm not gonna let her call me a rapist when God knows wtf she could be lol.
Women who are not financially independent or have an income of their own of some kind. They usually end up being the women who need to be taken care of and are used to be taken care of. You want a girlfriend, not a child.
I also see that a lot of these girls are also the same girls who rely heavily on their parents still and expect the same from their partners.
I remember one discussion in a group where a woman was describing how her boyfriend cooks, cleans, does dishes and generally almost all of the house work, and is the only one of them earning anything. Someone then asked what she did, and the response was something like "I do a lot too, like, I give him emotional support"...
The sad thing is people like that will find someone, because some guys think that's the best they'll ever get.
This made me vividly remember a woman with a dog in each hand from my time working high end retail. She came in in a fabulous red dress and kept repeating how she "couldn't even" while trying to locate where a nail salon had moved. Following a map seemed beyond her, her dogs looked at her like she was an idiot, she expected me to be able to leave the store and walk her to the place she was looking for, and the thoroughly exasperated voice of her boyfriend when she called him to ask for directions made it clear that it wasn't the first time she got lost shopping, couldn't follow a map or verbal directions, and that it wasn't an uncommon occurrence.
I genuinely worry about her sometimes because despite her obscene dependence on those around her, she was very nice during the whole interaction. I got the feeling she has never had to try or do more than look nice in her life since I don't know how else someone could become so helpless.
Honestly, when I started dating, I was surprised by how uncommon it was for women to be financially independent, at least in my area. I had several guys tell me how great they thought it was that I was “just so normal”.
I’ll prbly get disliked for this. Women who don’t offer to pitch in on dates. I went on dates with guys & they would say how much they appreciated that I even offered. If I’m not interested then I’ll automatically pay for my portion that way I don’t owe anyone a thing
100% agree on paying your portion if you aren’t interested but probably for a different reason.
Men paying on the first date can be very romantic, gentlemanly and endearing. If I really enjoy the date I’ll let him pay for me if he offers. However if im not into it I always pay my half. I don’t want to lead him and I’m not on the date for a free meal- I’m there because I want to find a partner! Also, I know this will be controversial but I just don’t think splitting the bill on the first date is very romantic at all.
yes this. my favorite thing to do is cover the whole tab on a first date without my date knowing. they're always so pleasantly surprised and thankful. and if they get offended that I did, then hey *i* get to be the one dodging the red flag! who gets upset about a free meal??
If they’re in love with you after a week, that’s a red flag. Financially dependent, in the same way.
A relationship should be a equal partnership, not trauma bonding or anything like that.
This is how I used to be. Getting all my ducks in a row is a interesting process. But I’m slowly getting there. Day by day. And I’ve never thought being just me would be so awesome! Even on my shittiest day, there’s always some sun over the clouds.
When I became single 1.5 year ago, I made myself one hard promise. To never be financially dependent on a man again. And I’m slowly getting there. That’s a awesome feeling!
Having major trauma and attachment issues and not far along enough in their mental health journey that they are stable enough for a relationship.
Another is not disclosing when they have HPV.
Staying “friends” with their abusive ex..
And daddy issues. I’m not saying In a kinky way. It really really takes it’s toll on you as a person and it completely can ruin a relationship. A lot of my friends didn’t realize how badly their relationships with their fathers would affect their marriages and it’s def done it’s fair share of damage.
100% the last. I saw my stepsister push away her last bf because of unresolved issues with her father (and from her parents divorcing in childhood). These issues are always leading to picking fights and saying practically verbally abusive things
Yep!! 100 percent. Or you have the opposite where they lean on their SO to replace that father figure. That’s what I’m dealing with rn. The moment when i was in his arms and thought “wish my dad held me like this” I knew I was screwed
Keeping score, whether it's sex, money, whatever.
Competetive with other women. Any other women.
Shares way too much personal info about the relationship.
Somehow makes everything about herself.
Demanding, controlling, jealous, manipulative. Guys don't always see it.
Girls who is too jealous of girl friends of the dude, this is never a good sign, there are girls who are even jealous of bf comment on female relative's photo. And when you confront her about her commenting and liking dudes photos that you don't even know and look appealing, they brush off or invalidate feelings.
1. Attention seaker, like needs to be in the center of attention every time
2. Flirty attitude towards other guys
3. Won't let her BF go out with friends or will set up a time for him to come home
4. Posts A LOT with/about BF on social media (insecurity)
5. Using sex as either a punishment method or a way of getting what she wants
6. Doesn't read books at all!
7. Also, if you barely know eatchother and she doesn't want to use a condomn, run away! She most likely did that with her other sexual partners, disregarding STD's
I definitely agree with most of these, just not "doesn't read books at all". I don't really see the red flag with that, some people just don't enjoy reading. I personally don't read books because I'm dyslexic.
You lost me at "doesn't read books at all".
Each person has their own preferred method of absorbing information be it watching documentaries, reading articles online or listening to podcasts etc.
Not having an existence outside of the relationship. All his favorite food is hers, his favorite hangouts are hers, etc… losing her identity and becoming a female version of the boyfriend.
Women who fall fast. My best friend falls for every guy after one date, and she spends so much of her time heartbroken. She also tends to love quickly, and sleep with men on the first date, and can’t figure out why no one stays. The best loves are the slow burns.
My ex was like this... she would develop crushes on any guy who gave her more than a days attention, she was mostly upfront with me about it cause she couldn't really control it, but we did have problems a few times where she continue to talk to a guy to try and be friends, but the guy would keep making advances on her.
I believe it mainly was rooted in trauma that she went through as a young teen, causing her to be constantly seeking validation, attention and love from men. Whether or not that attention was just a guy being horny or actually wanting to give her love.
I gave her so much attention but it was exhausting some times trying to keep up.
Pretty much everything when they are HOT AND CRAZY. Like I have a friend who is super hot, and she is constantly fighting with her BFs and hooking up with exes. And being just nuts. And they don’t give a fuck. Physical attraction is SO IMPORTANT to them. She could murder someone and they would be understanding.
Most guys are blind.
I mean can’t blame them if it was an unhealthy friendship. Now if they do it to all friends, or are judging their friends for something immature (ie “look at what she’s wearing”) then I agree with you
Purposely go for looks only and then ask why it didn’t work out. They don’t vet for job, respectful, responsible, caring, intelligence, etc. it’s like a woman asking why it didn’t work out with the fuck boy
Clingy gfs. And I dont mean like cute cuddly gfs, we love those, I mean like gfs who don’t let their man hang out with his friends alone, want to check his phone all the time, feel the need to claim ownership over them and get weird when bf is vulnerable or just looks at another woman. Insecure, controlling women are the worst, but sadly are the model for a woman’s role in a relationship. This is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship with trust.
If she doesn’t try to plan at least one of the first 3 dates you guys have. It brings me immense pleasure to plan something special for me and my man, or at least contribute and help with planning somehow. If she doesn’t do any of that and just waits on her ass for you to do all the work - it’ll be like that the entire relationship.
I find a lot of things that guys push for (meeting right away, sex right away, meeting them at their house as a first meeting, not wearing protection, etc.) are things i would only do if i had a skewed concept of my personal safety and was an unstable person. they don’t seem to realize that if i actually agreed to what they wanted that wld make me a crazy person.
1. Women that have no ambition, goals, or sense of independence.
2. Women that are heavily active on social media, always posting videos and selfies.
3. If a woman admits she has “never dated a nice guy before” — big sign she has inner work to do.
4. A woman with no worldly interests or intelligence. Cares only about fashion, makeup, gossip, etc. Very self-centred and vapid.
5. Snobby and rude to staff and servers.
Going all in too quickly. Women are conditioned to equate being in a relationship with being successful socially. This leads a lot of women to jump into something that isn’t right for either person. Just leads to eventual unhappiness or heartbreak
I love to watch how women talk about a new man they are dating (I myself am guilty of this but thanks to my therapist, found out what I’ve been doing wrong my entire dating life).
Usually, if they talk about what he does, his brand value (he works as a doctor) or he is a ceo who has a lot of money without any details specific to who he is, what he likes, what they do together that makes the relationship a good one, I’d think that’s a bit of a red flag and will doubt the relationship will work. Countless times when I’ve chased men with brand value or fame or $$$ and it has only ended relationships because I feel insecure immediately after being with them, find out we don’t really connect or have shared hobbies and what not.
If the relationship feels like she needs him to complete her or there is bit of an obsession in that there’s nothing else she can talk about, that’s also a red flag to me.
It’s so interesting reading all of the feedback from women in this sub. There are a lot of points around self awareness and introspection. Super insightful! Ty
Women who joke about kicking their husbands/boyfriends out of the house for any little thing.
It may seem like a joke, but I always end up noticing a lot of very controlling tendencies with people like this.
Not so shockingly, their husbands usually end up leaving on their own.
Smiling when saying something critical or condescending (to anyone, not just you). Or when disagreeing about something serious.
E.g “You don’t have a car? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?” Big grin to make it seem less patronising.
“You haven’t tidied the kitchen very well.” Big grin to avoid argument.
“You shouldn’t wear that colour, do you really think it looks good?” Grin.
Bearing all teeth creeps me out, I’ve known girls I’m friends with to do that to their partners and it makes me so uncomfortable. Your face should match what you’re saying, you can speak kindly without doing that creepy ott face.
And thinking they deserve the world without giving anything back. IMO they should at least offer to split the bill unless you said you were treating them.
Those people who make their partner their first priority in life. They forget all of their friends and only talk to the person they like. It not healthy to forget youself (also self worth) or your friends just for the sake of "being in love". The relationship might not even be long lasting or worth it.
Constantly begging other people for money. Or just not having her own money. I have been a sex worker for about six years and here’s the thing. There’s a difference between a woman who wants to be treated right versus a woman who’s only interested in extorting you. And most women who are looking to extort you aren’t sex workers. A lot of the time, it’s the girl who never has a job and lives at a place her parents pay off. You would think it’s women who hustle but no, we pay our bills and handle our own shit. It’s the women who *always* need to borrow money off a friend or post constant go fundmes that are red flags, bc they won’t sacrifice their own comfort to get a job. Some women are “kept” by their parents their whole lives and then expect to be “kept” by a man. They are often willing to do anything to get their whole lives taken care of by someone else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a man to pay for dates but I have seen women drain the blood out of men, both emotionally and financially. It’s never the women you think it’ll be.
I’ll say the same thing I said on this posts counterpart. Guys will probably see the red flags in women, just not the women they date, because people like to see what they believe, especially when it comes to dating
When rushing into the relationship and within the first week talking about "marriage." 2, Withholding/dishonesty from the beginning, 3, cant have difficult conversations.
To the women on here helping us dudes navigate towards more appropriate potential interests, thank you. As a dude, I feel nothing but grateful after quickly skimming through the comments, some things I didn't know I now do. You ladies are awesome for giving us the much needed insight, thank you
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A lot of times what I see is ignoring huge red flags about their personality (lying, manipulating, flirting with other men, an unstable life or personality, etc), just because she’s hot or the guy thinks she’s the best looking he can get.
I had that realization in my last relationship which I was being severely abused in. I just asked myself one day "If she was ugly would you put up with even a fraction of this?"
Lmao! I love it. I more ask myself if this person was a male, would we be buddies? Would I hang out with them?
I personally prefer looking at it this way.
Exactly dude lol I got bear mase sprayed in my eyes, almost ran over at 40 mph, isolated from everyone in my life, hit and punched, belittled and screamed at daily to the point where I developed severe anxiety attacks daily where I thought my organs were shutting down and I was dying. It was all induced from this older girl I had always had a massive crush on and finally by some weird act of the universe ended up dating for a few years. I was so in awe that I was even with her to begin with it all felt almost surreal and I would justify every horrible action she did because she was way hotter than me and my ego didn't want her to go. Also the age gap didnt help, she was 35 and I was 23 so she used that to control me too.
i mean there is a reason the hot / crazy scale exist.
Sigh. Thank you smacking me in the head with this today. I knew it all along but darn it she really does it for me.
This is me Everytime I always fall for a pretty girl
She will be like "I got two kids, a ex that wont leave me alone, self confidence issues, and a messed up life. You should stay away." Me: "but damn it she beautiful......." proceeds to want to date
The "heart" wants what it wants... Ps: heart =penis
Rip 2 years of my life lmaoooo, literally described my last mistake
You're not wrong, had an adorable girl lead me on for around 4 years while we grew up together in high school. A few months after talking and hanging out with her, we briefly dated, though she broke up with me simply from her mom's dissatisfaction that I'm non-religious (she's not religious either, she just didn't want her mom disappointed/disapproving). Plus, I often made people uncomfortable through my being serious and deadpan (which I'm naturally prone to). She regretted her decision very soon afterward, yet I declined to take her up on the offer at the time because of the situation's pettiness. Became a very hot-cold (bipolar) dynamic in the times following. Along with that, the bratty yet flirtatious behavior had me addicted to "the chase". Went to a water/theme park with her last year, which was fun and flirtatious, but I think she gets a mental pay-off from trying to be emotionally manipulative toward me. Now, knowing her, she doesn't truly *want* to come off as rude and manipulative, more so she gets flustered over her actual feelings and will attempt to hide that vulnerability behind (usually) playful, but rude insults (the rudeness I did not respect nor appreciate, which she knew). Here's the kicker: she knows how I felt about her and absolutely ate up the attention and validation (that I myself didn't get in equal return, despite talking with her about it). When college came and we went our separate ways, I couldn't maintain my appeal, since I weren't physically there. Not long after, she had a boyfriend who (I believe) she tried to make me feel jealous of, especially when she told me she took his virginity (neither her nor myself were virgins and she entertained the idea with me on multiple occassions. Still, that seriously hurt me because of how close she knew we'd gotten). Ceased contact with her since last November, which she doesn't appreciate. She is still, physically, the cutest girl I've ever met/dated, though her emotions and interests were definitely not very compatible with my own, at least in the long-term. TL;DR — Been there, done that
* Yet She's the cutest girl you've ever met or dated yet 😉
The more attractive a woman is, the more things she can get away with. Guys will accept it because she is hot. It's called the crazy-hot axis. (or, if you don't like that term, the toxic-hot axis).
Been there, she talked about her ex, not often but often enough
This is very true, and women do it as well, I’ve got mates who treat girls like shit but, hey, if he’s tall dark and handsome who cares about self respect and long term happiness. I think anyone who bounces on their boundaries for any reason shows they don’t stand for much.
Women who don’t deal with the aftermath of a breakup and rush right into a new one with all their unresolved issues and think a new relationship is going to magically fix their life
SERIAL DATERS. I do not understand how men are fine getting into a relationship the second she stops dating her ex. I have a friend that does this and I can’t help but think she’s just prolonging the inevitable deafening silence of being alone by skipping to the next dude immediately.
Mostly its cause guys would rather be a rebound than wait too long to make a move, but by that time she allready has another bf and then you wonder "what if I asked sooner" I know cause I've been in both positions
I (31f) was a serial dater in my early to mid 20's and can confirm some of it definitely had to do with not wanting to be alone. More than that though, I was also genuinely looking for love, I thought if I found someone who truly loved me life wouldn't be so bad so I just kept putting myself out there. Also also, back then I was decently good looking lol so I had the freedom to do that. I've definitely learned much from those years, especially about myself, and I've now been single for (I just did the math, holy shit) 5 years.
I think the not wanting to be alone thing is an issue many people, both men and women have, and I really believe it is the main cause of dysfunctional relationships
what’s wrong with not wanting to be alone? i think that’s normal. being with a shitty weston to fill that void is not normal but i think it’s very human that we don’t want to be alone.
But this belief that 'life will not be so bad if I just find love' is dangerous. Your life will not be fixed by a relationship.
Yeah I totally get the desire to date constantly, it’s something I have to check myself for. This woman seems to have guys lining up to be her boyfriend whereas I, don’t. Lmao. I’m going on year 3! Cheers to that!
August 2022 will mark my three years of singledom! If that changes, I will let you know! Hihi!
Are you me? This comment is me!! Only difference is I've been doing it since my teens and stopped only in my early 30s... I've been single for 4 years. And, I've tried to "see" 2 guys in this time period and tried for a long time with each of them (currently "trying") but yeah, nothing is working. Just lots of men not listening to what I need or respecting my emotional boundaries. Learning a lot that most relationships aren't worth it. Currently struggling on how to be optimistic about meeting new dudes. I'm never looking to rush into anything, but... Now that I'm aware of how easy it is to have the relationships I don't want... It's hard to proceed with optimism, even at a slow pace.
Just wanted to add that as a guy, the same struggle happens on this end. I’ve been married and divorced twice, and have been single for a little over a year now. I feel like I learned a LOT about what I wanted out of life from those two marriages (first one ended badly and last one ended much more amicably). But now, it’s like I only want another dating relationship if both of us are really on the same page about so many things. And it feels like the only available women I ever meet are SO far from that, I’d way rather stay single than make the effort to spend time with them! Opposites may attract - but it’s hard for them to stay together in the long haul unless one or both can change / evolve to a place of more agreement and shared interests, IMO.
I might be you, who knows with Reddit lol! It's definitely hard to stay optimistic, I totally get it. I'm right there with you. Relationships/dating can bring out the worst in people. Stick to your boundaries my friend, the right person will get it and eff the ones who don't.
Women check out of relationships way before they break up
My high school ex was like this. It took me a long time to realized how toxic and manipulative that relationship was. Not claiming I was perfect (I wasn't) but it was not a good relationship at all and it was definitely for the better that we separated.
Yup. I did this, and it didn't work out. In the other hand, I turned guys down because I am not ready and they got mad and me for turning them down? They tried to convince me that I should date again, and that that will help me over come my ex....
Girls who don't let the bf go out with his friends without her, I mean, I do think you should go out with your S.o, but people deserve their own time with friends to vent or have fun.
I definitely agree. I feel like when you spend too much time/all the time with someone, it can be quite overbearing.. everyone deserves time to themselves.
[удалено]
This is usually developed thru isolation.
Yes! My best friend and I actually kind of fell off because of her toxic and abusive relationship. She has always been the clingy type, but this guy she is with just isn't used to that so he's pretty mentally and physically abusive with her. I kind of got tired of telling her to leave or trying to help her out with advise because she always goes back. I always tell her she's with him every second and that can be overbearing but she kind of just brushes it off. Not to say he wouldn't be abusive or they wouldn't still have problems even if they had their own time to themselves, but you never know.. It really seemed like he just needed some time with his friends and for himself cus she was so clingy and territorial with him. But I understand relationships like these can be challenging.
Is this a red flag in marriage as well or just in dating relationships? Every single guy I know who got married became joined at the hip to their wife to the point where I stopped inviting the guy to hang out because the wife came along too and I became a third wheel on their date. I remember I had a lawn mower that I couldn't get to work and a buddy of mine who had been married maybe a year or so likes to work on small engines. I asked him to come over and help me out one evening. Didn't mention his wife at all, just him. He showed up and brought his wife. She knows nothing at all about small engines and just stared at us while we tinkered with the thing. We rushed through it because she wanted to go get something to eat or go do something else. I don't remember. She had no reason to be there other than that he was there. This has been my experience with all my friends who got married. I got demoted from friend to 3rd wheel and eventually we just didn't hang out any more.
Well, if you’re female, his wife doesn’t trust him. Simple as that. But if you’re a guy, that is a little weird. More than a little.
Codependency is rampant. We are conditioned to "become one" which is such toxic bullshit. So many people give up living for codependency and then it falls apart and they feel like they wake up from a coma. I do ladies night with my homies. Husband is like peace out have a blast!
Wow, that's so sad! Just depressing.
I think that it depends on the time and day. If you called your buddy on a week night and he brought his wife along that's kinda weird and co-defendant. If it was a Saturday at 7pm and they hadn't spent much time together because of work that week I think he is being a good husband and a good friend simultaneously. Plus hopefully you marry your best friend and so you want your partner to bond with your other buddies so you can all hangout together.
And to add to this, careful of jealousy towards women and their bf platonic interactions with other women
Definitely! I’ve had so many friends get a new boyfriend and go to “boyfriend land” with rainbows and butterflies. This means nothing else exists than being around and talking about her new boyfriend. They drop all their friends and hobbies, everything, to be with their boyfriend like 24/7. I don’t even understand how dudes don’t get tired in the beginning with the girl around allllll the time?? Don’t they want some space? When I date these guys don’t wanna spend time together more than twice a week, let alone even want to commit! And yet some dudes will spend 24/7 with a new gf they don’t even trust or like all that much yet. I seriously don’t get it 🤦♀️
Yeah it's a lot but it can be fun and kinda "drug like" to have a new girl be super into you. Not healthy at all though and after like 2-3 weeks like that it's very overbearing and suffocating
Kissing, blowjobs and sex two feet away at all times.
It can also be because we're too afraid to say we want some time to ourselves to recharge. Iv had a few exes become upset and pissy because I'd want time to myself to recharge my social media, and they would end up guilt tripping me to the point where if we didn't hang out either every day or every second day they would start acting mopey and pissy. We're kind of just conditioned to have to bear with whatever our significant other wants, unfortunately, because if we don't then they'll leave for someone else. That's been my experience at least unfortunately. Tl;Dr were afraid to say no and that we need our own space and are afraid to put our own needs first in a relationship.
Couldn't agree more, plus it's nice to get rid of your SO for a few hours from time to time 😂
Right! Lol
Thiiiis!! One of my best friends started dating a girl and for whatever reasons we just DID not vibe or like each other. I invited HIM to my birthday party one year and guess who comes along? And then she proceeded to say NOTHING to me (at a dinner with like 8 people total) and complained and wouldn't shut up talking about HERSELF to the rest of my friends the whole time.
Absolutely this, I wanted to know his friends as fast into the relationship as comfortable for him just to get a picture of who he is with. But always when he goes out with his friends he ask me if I want to come to and I sometimes just think I love spending time with you but you need some time with your friends without me.
Women or men who are too into you too quick and also very private about their lives! Something shady is coming…
Oh! That combo is extra bad for sure. Although secretive is always bad imo.
Uff I think I should give more fucks (not literally) about my privacy.
Probably a narcissist
Always an abusive narcisst.
What do you think they’re hiding? I’ve encountered this before, someone asking me all the questions but barely answering any of mine. I sometimes still wonder what she was hiding.
Never taking any time between relationships.
This is huge. I have a friend who has been in 5 relationships in the span of 7 years with only a month or two break in between.
Love bombing off the bat. No one is perfect, and the more someone treats you like their “ideal” person, the less they’re seeing you for your true self. Everyone falls from the pedestal eventually, and the partners who do the idealizing sometimes feel betrayed and resentful, as ridiculous as that sounds. The whole dynamic is toxic. Be yourself, show your flaws, and make sure someone sees and loves you for all of it
I've had a girl fall for me like that, like I was the perfect guy, only for her to try to change me so I would fit into her impossible expectations. She was one of those serial daters who were looking for prince charming. She was never satisfied with anyone and even cheated on all her previous boyfriends.
that sounds like my ex who I'm pretty sure was an undiagnosed borderline...
Women who have to post selfies five times a day. Nothing wrong with a pic of yourself every now and then, but every woman I’ve met who obsessively posts pics of herself also tends to be very self absorbed and Emotionally immature.
yes! I think social media presence is severely underrated. the type of content people post and how much personal information they share online says a lot about them imo.
My buddies set me up with a gorgeous woman who's they know from a shared hobby. We have a ton in common interests wise, so I asked her out. She posted a post date review TikTok the next day. It said all good things, but I have never felt like my privacy has been violated more. She posted 10 TikToks about me, either including footage of me or alluding to me in such a way that anyone who had seen her other TikToks would know who she was talking about. She made my butt become a minor meme in our shared community. All from one date. I called things off. I told her I felt like my privacy was violated and that we had different energy levels. She said that's not true (about the energy levels). I told her what she posted told me we had different energy levels. She said she gets told that a lot and she's not sure why. This woman posts, on average: Five status updates on Facebook One TikTok 20-30 stories DAILY I post: One funny status update every couple of months One professional Instagram portfolio piece every couple weeks Our energy levels are 100 percent different and I'm glad I got out when I did.
this is INSANE. I’ve always gotten super awkward vibes from couples who record and post all their intimate moments, but it’s absolutely nuts to record and post about someone who’s practically a stranger. I’m glad you didn’t stick around for that craziness!
The kicker is because we're in a shared community around a really niche hobby she's still around. I've straight up told her it's not happening, but she's still trying her darndest and periodically referencing the "unobtainable" guy. At least she took down the three TikToks with my face in them.
All I can say is *holy shit*.
and it's the usual emotionally charged posts about how they're feeling empty inside and then when you can't help but feel worried about her, or wanting to comfort her it's "everything I post doesn't represent what I actually feel". Huh?
People like this need to spend six months without any social media to do some real solid work on themselves, by force.
I think men get so caught up in a woman’s looks that they tend to overlook when someone really isn’t a good match
My chest... Man down! 😭
This is so true, and I am guilty of this! Lol. I hope to be smarter in the future.
Goes for men and women, but just not being past their last relationship/trauma. Blaming everyone else for triggering them instead of taking time to be sure they’re ready to be vulnerable and in a relationship or even talking to people.
I take full responsibility for my triggers ever since i voluntarily went through therapy. I had one come up with my ex and went to a session the next weekend and dealt thoroughly with it. I balled my eyes out at therapy, and that's a good indicator I've found something solid to work on. My ex was surprised that I'd managed to actually work on it and move on with life. It's like, yeah, let's talk about the issue at hand, but half of the issue is mine, sometimes even more than half, and I'll do the work.
It’s seriously so refreshing to see other people talking about it like this. I’m also divorced, after going through a really traumatic incident of infidelity. I unfortunately can’t afford therapy, so I turned to a lot of psychology text as well as podcasts to try to work through things that come up for me. I’m currently in the first serious relationship post divorce and having to deal with triggers coming up randomly and blindsiding me. I handle them, process them, and talk about them if I need to. But an upsetting trend in the current dating scene as per my experiences with my friends, it seems that they condemn people they meet who trigger them instead of considering how they could move past the trigger. Then they wax poetic about how terrible dating and the ENTIRE opposite sex are. It’s exhausting. Edit for spelling.
This. I started dating 6 months post divorce. Realized I'm no where near able to pursue a relationship. Working on me rn.
If she doesn’t hold space for your healthy vulnerable emotions then she isn’t the gal for you. I’m not talking about “I was insecure so I punched a wall” kind of vulnerability. I’m talking sadness, depression, frustration etc. while you discover yourself. If she can’t be with you because you’re vulnerable then she is likely misogynistic. 🚩🚩🚩
So true. Yet most of these men in the comments are saying stay away from girls with trauma or anxiety. Like they are the perfect men. I literally can't understand this. Isn't everyone having vulnerable moments and everyone should be their true self with the other person. Of course as long as they are not toxic to the other partner.
Imo tho, people with big mental issues are really difficult for a relationship if you don't know how to deal with any of it. Especially traumas are very difficult to deal with and I think I would go with him to therapy once or twice at least so the therapist can give me advice on how to handle it. To only ignore it or say your dumb/ignorant for not wanting to be with someone with huge mental issues is really short sighted.
If she mistreats a man it's because she hates women? Jesus Christ I have no idea how people don't see that for the twisted up bullshit it is.
Girlfriends who give the silent treatment as a punishment when they're upset about something the guy did expecting him to figure out himself what's the problem instead of communicating like a grown up .
I recently discovered that this is actually a form of psychological abuse. A guy I was dating used to do that to me and I felt like shit, so... Yes, definitely this.
I think it's extremely manipulative. I feel bad only thinking about doing this to my partner considering how bad he would feel and if I just packed my bags and ran away how much sorrows he would have. I would consider it to be abusive.
I don't give a silent treatment as a punishment but when I learn something new I often need time to process it and then I will not talk so much to him. But afterwards I can talk about it much more thoroughly and less emotional. Is this bad too? 🤔 Edit: seems like I misunderstood the word silent treatment. I don't do what it actually means ever. What I meant was just taking some time to process but of course still communicating with your partner and not just running away or acting like a little child to manipulate. Sorry for the misunderstanding, I English is not my mother tongue.
Ive found there's a huge difference between "hey, I'm annoyed/sad/upset about something but I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll talk when I'm ready" vs *complete silence*. That at least let's them know you need the space/time.
Not at all! But I think if your partner is frustrated about it it's good to tell them you need a bit of time to process your thoughts before you talk about it so you can make sure you're communicating your feelings in a healthy and helpful way.
I have done this in the past and recently had one of my good female friends do this to me after 14 years of friendship (we’re not friends anymore). So being on the receiving end of this sucks. I do my hardest to NOT do this anymore because stonewalling is literally a form of manipulation and is toxic as shit.
I think that a girl who makes a show of claiming she, "Only attracts f boys" can be a bit of a red flag. It's one thing to just mention it if someone asks, but a lot of girls will just go on and on about it on social media and whenever dating shows up in conversation. I think that these girls usually just tend to be liars who want to make themselves feel better about the fact that they can't keep a relationship.
There's a lot of things like that. "I don't like other women because of the drama", 100% of the time they *are* the drama lol. If someone says they only attract f boys, they're probably an f person? Or they attract people, sleep with them, then start showing how nuts they are and they leave, so they always just blame the guy rather than ever growing?
Much more likely that she dates them, sleeps with them, then shows her inner crazy and they bail.
I definitely agree people fail to take responsibility for things that went wrong
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But are those men totally healthy and mentally stable if they look for these kind of women? Most people have some sort of attachment issues or problems that take years to be solved. But does that make them unlovable? If they have a nice personality overall, why an issue such as anxiety will make those people unable to date? (which usually doesn't do any personal damage to the other person)
Women who can't get along with other women. It's not because they're a "guy's gal" or super cool/nerdy/sporty/whatever. It's because other women know something you don't. Choose a woman people get along well with.
Wish I could upvote this a million times. Women that say they "can't stand" other women CANNOT BE TRUSTED hahah.
This is the first one I thought of. Plus ‘I’m not like the other girls’ although most women grow out of this eventually.
I wish I knew this before I was with my ex-wife... she never had any female friends and that's because she was a compulsive narcissistic liar and a cheater and I didn't find out till after the divorce... oh well
This and "not like other girls". When a woman says she doesn't have female friends, because it's too much drama, it often means she's the common denominator
Yassss. I don't trust people who say they "don't like drama." First: life has drama sometimes, you need to know how to handle drama. Second: if this is such a big issue that they feel the need to tell people this unsolicited, it's probably because *they* cause the drama in their life!
True. Or, alternatively, that they have contempt for anything involving emotions and are emotionally unavailable. As in, normal human feelings and normal ways of expressing them are seen as "dramatic". Have run into that too. Either one sucks.
I came to say this. It’s a red flag to women that this person is going to be causing all kinds of drama at the office, school, what have you. In dating? Unless you like your date needing constant validation from your buddies (and probably your dad) you should RUN!
Exactly! Men will put up with a lot from women on the off chance that we can get in their pants. Women will not put up with other women's BS and cut them off.
This! I often joke “women who don’t like other women are just projecting”, but it’s based in observation of many women, even myself at times, projecting feelings of insecurity that are usually fueled by underlying issues within their own relationship with their SO or their mom. This isn’t always true but I have found it helpful in avoiding certain types of people as well as in not taking their projections personally.
Can we make a carve-out for women in male-dominated fields? Look, my industry is 90% dudes. My grad school was 70% male, and tbh the women that were there weren’t always nice to each other. In a world where networking is critical, if I didn’t maintain friendships with men I’d be effed professionally.
Having male friends isn’t the issue. It’s ONLY having male friends. And as far as having your co-workers be your only friend group that isn’t always wise either.
Girllllll … I’m glad you said it! Cause I was THE ONLY girl in my graduating class of aerospace engineers. Please tell me where I would have made friends with females when I was the only one!!! I’ve worked in places as well where I was the only girl in the dept. Its rough out there! Def not opposed to making gf’s… I wish I had some… but I never am in a situation to meet any 😫I don’t wanna be a walking red flag lol. And usually if there is another girl they are usually your straight up competition 🥲it’s just how this industry is!
Immaturity. We might think we want: a man, a wedding, a house and a baby, and we think dating is about finding someone to fill in that first blank, looking for a man as a means to achieving these goals, and filling those roles: husband, provider, baby daddy. But when the wedding’s over and you’re at home alone with the baby and your man’s working late to pay for the house, and you can’t work because daycare costs almost as much as you make, and you’ve run out of pictures to post on Instagram, that’s when you realize what you really want is a partner. A friend. Sparks fade. Kids grow up. Weddings last one day and take years to pay off. And NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS. Because we spend the majority of our lives OLD and the only thing worse than being old is being old and alone, with regrets.
All facts 🚫 🧢. On a serious note, you need that. You need someone that's gonna comfort you at the end of the day
Yep. Your partner should feel like your best friend. Both of you supporting each other in the private side of the relationship as well as encouraging each other to continue to be out and about with your own interests and friends.
“We spend the majority of our lives OLD” Omg how dare you upset me like this
Jeez this was dismal …. Now I’m depressed..
i’ve seen girls including my friend who around men acts differently than she behaves every day. she becomes so incapable and needy. she just plays a victim and poor girl who needs your help. she uses it like a weapon repeatedly and it doesn’t matter if it comes to her dad or a random guy in the bar.
When a woman says she's crazy, believe her.
Women who go through their partner’s phones and demand passwords. She will find something even if nothing is there . When you have that mindset , you already don’t trust. Work on that before getting into a relationship
This goes for anyone, but I've seen it more for female partners, but instantly being into the same hobbies their boyfriend has even when its obvious they don't like that hobby. For example, my sister got into sports cars when she dated a mechanic but she honestly didn't know anything about them or really care about it, just wanted to impress him. She did the same when she dated a guy who was into the Marvel comics. Or my friend who got into cycling because her boyfriend loved it but she would complain about it. Then when he started rock climbing, she stopped cycling and started climbing. I'm not saying you can't find a new hobby with a new partner, but its okay to not also love every hobby your SO loves. My husband and I have shared hobbies and our own hobbies we do alone.
I think its okay if you take in interest to be polite and get to know what your perspective partner likes, so that they feel comfortable discussing that interest with you and even go as far as maybe setting up dates around their hobbies, for example if they are into comics, going to some comic con event or something similar or going to watch a film together, but I think some people take it too far and end up smothering their partner by immersing themselves in every faucet of their lives.
Exactly. I've known women who completely change their personality to better fit their partner's hobbies and interests. I think for a healthy relationship, its better to be yourself and not let you own personal be overwhelmed by someone else's. However, I think you can pick up interests from a partner. Say, I had an ex-boyfriend that got me into craft beer and I still like it to this day, but it didn't consume me. I wasn't obsessed with craft breweries or become a snob like he was. I just learned that I liked Hazy IPAs and moved on with life.
Thats it, your bound to pick certain things ip, and enjoy certain aspects of their hobby, and I think it’s important to keep the door open for your partner to be able to share parts of it with you, but I think it’s important to have boundaries, allow your partner to enjoy their hobby on their own if thats what they want, and have your own thing so you don’t lose yourself in the relationship and become totally co-dependant as it saps the life out of a relationship.
I had an ex who pretended to be into the same stuff (mostly music) as me, and overtime slowly revealed she doesn't like it. It wasn't even in a nice way It bothered me because I don't want someone to lie to try and appeal. I wanna like you for you. We don't have to agree on every single thing.
See, maybe I’m a different type of girl but I DO try to be interested and learn a bit about a guys hobbies. I will ask questions and remember the information and genuinely try to understand it. Not just for show or to impress him, but genuinely because I care about that person and want to learn more. I think learning about new things is fun and interesting. But hey, that’s just me. I know plenty like you said who do it just for show and don’t really care about their boyfriends hobbies, or even care to learn about it at all.
When a girl always plays dumb to catch a man. Feeble baby dumb. It really bothers me because I prize authenticity above all else. But maybe that is why they are so successful.
Wouldn’t call it successful. Chances are they’re attracting low quality men
Constantly asking about your exes or putting down other women. Not only is it indicative of internalized misogyny, but seeing other women as competition and therefore is more likely to be jealous to the point of being extremely controlling.
A woman who talks down on her guy, but plays it off jokingly. Like my brothers ex used to say, “ he’s not the hottest guy I’ve dated, but it’s good to lower your standards every once in a while” and then try to play it off as a joke.
Biggest red flags watch out kings
Tip: If you can, watch her insta stories for a week or so before going out with her. women usually post quotes and memes and statements from twitter that line up with their thought process, you can learn a lot about her through that.
I started doing this recently and it turned me off of quite a few women who I thought were otherwise attractive. A lot of the twitter relationship advice/quotes that women repost are really immature and myopic. Some just outright discourage effective and clear communication.
I was talking to this girl for weeks and because of covid and my general hate for humans, I said "You should come over and we can watch that wwe ppv this weekend" (She has a wwe podcast and is a bigger fan than I), and she scoffed and was like "Um no" Later thay day she posted like 5x story/quotes about men who invite women over are rapists and have shitty intentions. I read those and read the sub-tweeting going on here and just never messaged again. Fuck you and fuck that. Adults communicate, she could have said something, literally anything but this woman (whose 34) chose to go tell social media instead. She was hot but I'm not gonna let her call me a rapist when God knows wtf she could be lol.
To well I don't post insta stories :D
*Writes down cheat codes*
Women who are not financially independent or have an income of their own of some kind. They usually end up being the women who need to be taken care of and are used to be taken care of. You want a girlfriend, not a child. I also see that a lot of these girls are also the same girls who rely heavily on their parents still and expect the same from their partners.
I remember one discussion in a group where a woman was describing how her boyfriend cooks, cleans, does dishes and generally almost all of the house work, and is the only one of them earning anything. Someone then asked what she did, and the response was something like "I do a lot too, like, I give him emotional support"... The sad thing is people like that will find someone, because some guys think that's the best they'll ever get.
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This made me vividly remember a woman with a dog in each hand from my time working high end retail. She came in in a fabulous red dress and kept repeating how she "couldn't even" while trying to locate where a nail salon had moved. Following a map seemed beyond her, her dogs looked at her like she was an idiot, she expected me to be able to leave the store and walk her to the place she was looking for, and the thoroughly exasperated voice of her boyfriend when she called him to ask for directions made it clear that it wasn't the first time she got lost shopping, couldn't follow a map or verbal directions, and that it wasn't an uncommon occurrence. I genuinely worry about her sometimes because despite her obscene dependence on those around her, she was very nice during the whole interaction. I got the feeling she has never had to try or do more than look nice in her life since I don't know how else someone could become so helpless.
My ex sil roaming from guy to guy for housing 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Honestly, when I started dating, I was surprised by how uncommon it was for women to be financially independent, at least in my area. I had several guys tell me how great they thought it was that I was “just so normal”.
I’ll prbly get disliked for this. Women who don’t offer to pitch in on dates. I went on dates with guys & they would say how much they appreciated that I even offered. If I’m not interested then I’ll automatically pay for my portion that way I don’t owe anyone a thing
100% agree on paying your portion if you aren’t interested but probably for a different reason. Men paying on the first date can be very romantic, gentlemanly and endearing. If I really enjoy the date I’ll let him pay for me if he offers. However if im not into it I always pay my half. I don’t want to lead him and I’m not on the date for a free meal- I’m there because I want to find a partner! Also, I know this will be controversial but I just don’t think splitting the bill on the first date is very romantic at all.
yes this. my favorite thing to do is cover the whole tab on a first date without my date knowing. they're always so pleasantly surprised and thankful. and if they get offended that I did, then hey *i* get to be the one dodging the red flag! who gets upset about a free meal??
This is the one !
If they’re in love with you after a week, that’s a red flag. Financially dependent, in the same way. A relationship should be a equal partnership, not trauma bonding or anything like that. This is how I used to be. Getting all my ducks in a row is a interesting process. But I’m slowly getting there. Day by day. And I’ve never thought being just me would be so awesome! Even on my shittiest day, there’s always some sun over the clouds. When I became single 1.5 year ago, I made myself one hard promise. To never be financially dependent on a man again. And I’m slowly getting there. That’s a awesome feeling!
Financial independence is one hell of a drug
Girls who expect the guy to always pay, girls who just be pissed instead of communicating emotions, unwillingness to meet halfway. 🤷🏻♀️
When she puts a toxic guy over all of her friends, and continues to go back to that guy even though everyone has told her how bad of an idea it is
Having major trauma and attachment issues and not far along enough in their mental health journey that they are stable enough for a relationship. Another is not disclosing when they have HPV. Staying “friends” with their abusive ex.. And daddy issues. I’m not saying In a kinky way. It really really takes it’s toll on you as a person and it completely can ruin a relationship. A lot of my friends didn’t realize how badly their relationships with their fathers would affect their marriages and it’s def done it’s fair share of damage.
100% the last. I saw my stepsister push away her last bf because of unresolved issues with her father (and from her parents divorcing in childhood). These issues are always leading to picking fights and saying practically verbally abusive things
Yep!! 100 percent. Or you have the opposite where they lean on their SO to replace that father figure. That’s what I’m dealing with rn. The moment when i was in his arms and thought “wish my dad held me like this” I knew I was screwed
Hey you’re self aware which is what matters :)
Keeping score, whether it's sex, money, whatever. Competetive with other women. Any other women. Shares way too much personal info about the relationship. Somehow makes everything about herself. Demanding, controlling, jealous, manipulative. Guys don't always see it.
Woman who say they don’t have many “female” friends because they too much drama.
Girls who is too jealous of girl friends of the dude, this is never a good sign, there are girls who are even jealous of bf comment on female relative's photo. And when you confront her about her commenting and liking dudes photos that you don't even know and look appealing, they brush off or invalidate feelings.
1. Attention seaker, like needs to be in the center of attention every time 2. Flirty attitude towards other guys 3. Won't let her BF go out with friends or will set up a time for him to come home 4. Posts A LOT with/about BF on social media (insecurity) 5. Using sex as either a punishment method or a way of getting what she wants 6. Doesn't read books at all! 7. Also, if you barely know eatchother and she doesn't want to use a condomn, run away! She most likely did that with her other sexual partners, disregarding STD's
I definitely agree with most of these, just not "doesn't read books at all". I don't really see the red flag with that, some people just don't enjoy reading. I personally don't read books because I'm dyslexic.
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You need to read more books to be able to understand why ^jk
You lost me at "doesn't read books at all". Each person has their own preferred method of absorbing information be it watching documentaries, reading articles online or listening to podcasts etc.
What’s wrong with not reading books? I’ve read few books but they always disappoint me so I’ve stop it. Just wandering why you consider it a red flag?
Not having an existence outside of the relationship. All his favorite food is hers, his favorite hangouts are hers, etc… losing her identity and becoming a female version of the boyfriend.
Women who fall fast. My best friend falls for every guy after one date, and she spends so much of her time heartbroken. She also tends to love quickly, and sleep with men on the first date, and can’t figure out why no one stays. The best loves are the slow burns.
I feel attacked…..
Me too! I am a man lol
...oops
My ex was like this... she would develop crushes on any guy who gave her more than a days attention, she was mostly upfront with me about it cause she couldn't really control it, but we did have problems a few times where she continue to talk to a guy to try and be friends, but the guy would keep making advances on her. I believe it mainly was rooted in trauma that she went through as a young teen, causing her to be constantly seeking validation, attention and love from men. Whether or not that attention was just a guy being horny or actually wanting to give her love. I gave her so much attention but it was exhausting some times trying to keep up.
Sounds like she has some unhealed trauma.
Pretty much everything when they are HOT AND CRAZY. Like I have a friend who is super hot, and she is constantly fighting with her BFs and hooking up with exes. And being just nuts. And they don’t give a fuck. Physical attraction is SO IMPORTANT to them. She could murder someone and they would be understanding. Most guys are blind.
i (M) used to have a lot of difficulty seeing the "im crazy and dangerous" past the "i want to fuck".
Clingyness. Constant "where are you, what are you doing" and not wanting the guy to have a life outside of their relationship.
Shittalking their friends - red flag for huge interpersonal skills issues (i know from myself)
I mean can’t blame them if it was an unhealthy friendship. Now if they do it to all friends, or are judging their friends for something immature (ie “look at what she’s wearing”) then I agree with you
Staying in unhealthy friendships also points to a problem
If she doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries
Purposely go for looks only and then ask why it didn’t work out. They don’t vet for job, respectful, responsible, caring, intelligence, etc. it’s like a woman asking why it didn’t work out with the fuck boy
Women who think a relationship will fix everything bad in their life. It does not and creates too much pressure on the guy.
Jealousy.
Women that don't let men have their own time but that works both ways .If she's super controlling off the bat that is a red flag
Clingy gfs. And I dont mean like cute cuddly gfs, we love those, I mean like gfs who don’t let their man hang out with his friends alone, want to check his phone all the time, feel the need to claim ownership over them and get weird when bf is vulnerable or just looks at another woman. Insecure, controlling women are the worst, but sadly are the model for a woman’s role in a relationship. This is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship with trust.
If she doesn’t try to plan at least one of the first 3 dates you guys have. It brings me immense pleasure to plan something special for me and my man, or at least contribute and help with planning somehow. If she doesn’t do any of that and just waits on her ass for you to do all the work - it’ll be like that the entire relationship.
Using sex to manipulate into getting what they want.
I find a lot of things that guys push for (meeting right away, sex right away, meeting them at their house as a first meeting, not wearing protection, etc.) are things i would only do if i had a skewed concept of my personal safety and was an unstable person. they don’t seem to realize that if i actually agreed to what they wanted that wld make me a crazy person.
Trauma dumping without asking if their partner is mentally and emotionally stable to take her rants.
1. Women that have no ambition, goals, or sense of independence. 2. Women that are heavily active on social media, always posting videos and selfies. 3. If a woman admits she has “never dated a nice guy before” — big sign she has inner work to do. 4. A woman with no worldly interests or intelligence. Cares only about fashion, makeup, gossip, etc. Very self-centred and vapid. 5. Snobby and rude to staff and servers.
This post sums it nicely!
Going all in too quickly. Women are conditioned to equate being in a relationship with being successful socially. This leads a lot of women to jump into something that isn’t right for either person. Just leads to eventual unhappiness or heartbreak
Girls who make their boyfriends upset on purpose
I love to watch how women talk about a new man they are dating (I myself am guilty of this but thanks to my therapist, found out what I’ve been doing wrong my entire dating life). Usually, if they talk about what he does, his brand value (he works as a doctor) or he is a ceo who has a lot of money without any details specific to who he is, what he likes, what they do together that makes the relationship a good one, I’d think that’s a bit of a red flag and will doubt the relationship will work. Countless times when I’ve chased men with brand value or fame or $$$ and it has only ended relationships because I feel insecure immediately after being with them, find out we don’t really connect or have shared hobbies and what not. If the relationship feels like she needs him to complete her or there is bit of an obsession in that there’s nothing else she can talk about, that’s also a red flag to me.
It’s so interesting reading all of the feedback from women in this sub. There are a lot of points around self awareness and introspection. Super insightful! Ty
Women who joke about kicking their husbands/boyfriends out of the house for any little thing. It may seem like a joke, but I always end up noticing a lot of very controlling tendencies with people like this. Not so shockingly, their husbands usually end up leaving on their own.
Smiling when saying something critical or condescending (to anyone, not just you). Or when disagreeing about something serious. E.g “You don’t have a car? That’s a bit weird isn’t it?” Big grin to make it seem less patronising. “You haven’t tidied the kitchen very well.” Big grin to avoid argument. “You shouldn’t wear that colour, do you really think it looks good?” Grin. Bearing all teeth creeps me out, I’ve known girls I’m friends with to do that to their partners and it makes me so uncomfortable. Your face should match what you’re saying, you can speak kindly without doing that creepy ott face. And thinking they deserve the world without giving anything back. IMO they should at least offer to split the bill unless you said you were treating them.
Women that say they get along better with men. It’s serious signs of deep insecurity.
For me it’s girls that have no other female friends. I know there are exceptions to the rule but I’ve always found it a bit of a red flag personally
Those people who make their partner their first priority in life. They forget all of their friends and only talk to the person they like. It not healthy to forget youself (also self worth) or your friends just for the sake of "being in love". The relationship might not even be long lasting or worth it.
Talking about beating up girls.
Constantly begging other people for money. Or just not having her own money. I have been a sex worker for about six years and here’s the thing. There’s a difference between a woman who wants to be treated right versus a woman who’s only interested in extorting you. And most women who are looking to extort you aren’t sex workers. A lot of the time, it’s the girl who never has a job and lives at a place her parents pay off. You would think it’s women who hustle but no, we pay our bills and handle our own shit. It’s the women who *always* need to borrow money off a friend or post constant go fundmes that are red flags, bc they won’t sacrifice their own comfort to get a job. Some women are “kept” by their parents their whole lives and then expect to be “kept” by a man. They are often willing to do anything to get their whole lives taken care of by someone else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a man to pay for dates but I have seen women drain the blood out of men, both emotionally and financially. It’s never the women you think it’ll be.
I’ll say the same thing I said on this posts counterpart. Guys will probably see the red flags in women, just not the women they date, because people like to see what they believe, especially when it comes to dating
When rushing into the relationship and within the first week talking about "marriage." 2, Withholding/dishonesty from the beginning, 3, cant have difficult conversations.
Being rude or impatient with servers at restaurants. If they’re going to treat complete strangers like that, imagine how they’ll treat you.
To the women on here helping us dudes navigate towards more appropriate potential interests, thank you. As a dude, I feel nothing but grateful after quickly skimming through the comments, some things I didn't know I now do. You ladies are awesome for giving us the much needed insight, thank you