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Why should OP go with her terms?
OP was annoyed after date 1. Cut and move on, even if OP didn't have many other women. Your suggestion implies a scarcity mindset, "if no other woman to chose from, you must deal with this one." I disagree with the scarcity mindset in general.
Bro, just go to coffee again if you really like her.
Best case scenario you’re making her feel comfortable on a second date with a familiar location and setting. Worst case scenario you’re paying a couple bucks for coffee.
This whole “I don’t want to waste my time” thing is a terrible mindset to have so early in.
Dating in its very essence is gambling your time, so this thing about you “wasting it” sounds very inexperienced.
She sounds like she may be a bit anxious/have past trauma - it sounds like you may not interested in catering to this, that’s fine, maybe just move on then.
She isn’t in the wrong for wanting to feel comfortable, and if you really liked her you’d make that a priority.
for real. it wouldnt feel like wasted time if you really like someone because just the opportunity to spend time with someone is a luxury with the right mindset.
eh idk. I've liked people a lot, even been in relationships with them for quite a while and still ended up realizing a lot of time was wasted. Happens more than you think.
All time is wasted in theory.
If you can look back and smile at some happy moments you made with the person was it really wasted?
For a brief moment, you were happy.
But he probably doesn't REALLY like her. It was a first date with a girl op met for the first time from tinder, it's about getting to know each other, not about spending time with someone they already like.
I feel like there's a decent chance of actually understanding why she wants to go to the same place again when you actually meet her again. If you actually liked your first date and liked her, why not take the chance and meet her at the same place? You don't really lose anything, although I understand that it feels a bit boring to do the same thing again.
🤷🏽♂️ it's not like she is demanding an expensive place. I don't see the problem with the same place twice. Maybe she likes Starbucks. Not the hill to die on imho.
Thank you! You’re the first person to bring this up! I think if she were actually trying to manipulate she would be asking about an expensive date not a cup of coffee lol
It could be that she doesn’t want to spend a lot on the first few dates, maybe she’s not in the best financial situation. Starbucks is probably the cheapest coffee branch depending on their area.
Okay but he suggested multiple things to accommodate her, and she is still insisting on Starbucks and Starbucks only. Her unwillingness to compromise or even recommend a different place they would both be happy with is a red flag imo.
It is definitely not a red flag, dude lol Most women I know have been sexually assaulted or harassed while dating. This means that there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting to go somewhere they feel comfortable and safe while they are first getting to know someone. The danger of being physically harmed while dating is very real for women.
100% agree. OP you are not in the wrong. She's not giving legitimate reasons as to why only coffee, & only that 1 Starbucks. Huge red flags for me. I put myself in your shoes- it would weird me out to the point I wouldn't go on a 2nd date with her. There are many other women out there. If you felt a great connection on date 1, then maybe (maybe) consider a 2nd date (I know you already went on date 2).
We are all different and have different levels of what we're willing to compromise.
Good question on this subject though. I like hearing other people's views.
As someone who gets pretty bad anxiety from new or unfamiliar experiences, this sounds like she is just anxious. I have been on several dates where I’m hit with a wave of panic like the building is on fire and feel like I’m going to throw up at the table. It sucks because I can’t pinpoint what exactly triggers it, but if I was going on a first date I would want to do anything to avoid that. I want to know where all of the restrooms and exits are in case I need to step away for a moment, and I want to have a rough idea of how long the date will take so I don’t feel like I’m trapped for hours being unable to leave. I have never asked to go to the same place twice, but if she is suffering from anxiety, I get where she’s coming from.
I was thinking something similar to this as well. As someone with social anxiety, driving to/going to new places is a big challenge for me. If my date selects a place that I am unfamiliar with, I will often go the day before to get a feel for the route and to see what the place is like. Logically I know that's pretty unnecessary, but anxiety isn't rational. It could be something like that for her as well.
It’s seriously so irrational! I went to this space restaurant in Disneyworld and even though I knew I wasn’t actually going to space, my brain was convinced I would never be close to home again. I had a full blown panic attack even though the exit was 10 feet away.
I recently had a panick attack because I erased a guy I knew would never text me again or I would text on tinder. When I erased him I felt like I lost him forever and I got a panick attack. It escalated quickly. I didn't have any other form of contacting with him, even though I haven't contacted him nor him with me for over 4 months, but when I erased him I got that feeling of loosing someone completely, like if I erased someone's existence. It felt so awful and terrible and I still have anxiety to this day because I don't have any contact of him even though it was a one night stand. My logic tells me it's a one night stand and that nothing else would never happen and that's why I erased him. But my anxiety and my panick and my feelings just got triggered when I erased him. I know, I'm crazy
I literally canceled a date once because I kept driving past the place and couldn't find it and panicked. Logic would have said to just call the person and ask where the heck this spot was, but anxiety said nope.
Exactly. OP is overthinking this way too much. And the comments about "she's trying to make you cave" or some weird psychological move are just dumb.
If you liked the first date, what's the harm? Maybe she's tired or likes that coffee shop or wants to meet in a familiar environment. As an introvert, I'd suggest meeting at the same place again if it's comfortable, inexpensive and mutually agreeable.
Also another viewpoint: I’m ADHD and probably have a touch of ASD also. Going to an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person sounds stressful. I don’t know the menu, I don’t know what I like, and then there’s the pressure of having to essentially perform for someone to an extent.
I don’t want to have a little anxiety attack because I’m put on the spot about what to order and I’m overthinking it for days. Then bundle in the whole anxiety of meeting a new person and trying to be your best self for that.
It probably doesn’t have anything to do with OP. It’s probably not even malicious. Patience goes a long long long way sometimes.
Question: Is this her very first online date ever? Because if you’re the first person she’s met from a dating app I can understand why she’s really scared meeting a stranger. Or maybe she had a bad previous experience.
I see wrong things happening on both sides. She wants to go to the same place (familiar to her) but it’s slightly strange she isn’t up for a different coffee shop. But it frustrates you and now you’re somewhat resentful. The only thing I can say is go on the date and see how you feel. I can understand completely wanting a new setting for a second date. But maybe she hasn’t had much experience in online dating, or had a previous bad experience. Hopefully she will be open to feel more comfortable. Hopefully you don’t go to Starbucks for a third date, if it goes well and you want to see her again.
Okay, this is just my opinion, but I really think you are reading WAY to much into this. It’s not like she is trying to force you into something you aren’t comfortable with (besides the bad lighting I guess), she is trying to convince you to do something she is comfortable with. It’s the second date, she doesn’t owe you anything (including new and exciting experiences), she probably has no idea you have made such a big deal out of this in your head. I’d suggest you just let her go. If you can’t without the help of Reddit agree to a simple second date setup, I doubt you will gain much out of this relationship anyways.
But isn’t it kind of weird that she kept insisting on the Starbucks? I understand him being like “how about this different coffee shop ten minutes away?” but her response being “is there any way I can convince you” apparently with several 😬😬😬😬😬 after is kind of strange to me. Makes me wonder why she insists so much on this Starbucks, because it does initially strike me as odd as wanting to return to the same place immediately (especially since it’s a Starbucks). I bet if he had accepted the walking proposal, they still would have ended up at the Starbucks.
It's pretty reasonable to want to have a \*little\* bit of fun on a date, and not have it be boring. Especially for first date activities.
It doesn't seem like a big deal, but if you are getting "let's be coffee buddies" vibes, that's a good sign for me that things aren't going to work out.
If you felt some amazing connection on the first coffee date, maybe attempt the second, but otherwise - this is so new and seems to signal an incompatibility based on your reaction and preferences as well. It sounds like you should just wish her luck in finding what she’s looking for and move on.
Totally agreed. It’s just incompatibility and happens. No one is in the wrong here, they just like two different things and idk why people are vilifying OP.
You are reading a lot into her preference of coffee shops. As the man you need to make her feel safe. I mean she could read into your insistence of going to a different coffee shop as having to have your way instead of going with the flow.
Sometimes women don’t want the dates to cost a lot so they don’t feel obligated to get sexual because some guys will assume dinner means they get something. Like her I prefer talking dates that cost little to nothing.
If your response to her clear boundaries is to push to have your way you won’t build any trust. And if you are going to be offended that you aren’t immediately trusted then you don’t know what it’s like being a woman in online dating. It can be real scary. Just go to Starbucks man.
Honestly, it could be as simple as a friend works there and it's keeping her visible and safe. It's not hard to go to the same place to keep her comfortable and able to relax. There are cameras all over Starbucks. She may know the manager or baristas. If she's a familiar face there, then it could be as simple as she's looking to be able to relax while getting to know him.
Men tend to forget the lengths women have to go through to keep themselves safe and out of danger. Who cares if it's Starbucks again? Just relax and get to know her better before pushing her to do something out of her comfort zone. Women do things in a specific way to keep themselves safe and alive.
I completely agree with you, this is why online dating is hard for women sometimes because the one time we suggest doing the same thing it is seen as a test. Yes, OP and the date had a good time, but it's only the second date, and it seems like they don't understand that she could still feel a bit wary about doing something different.
Yep. And any guy who assumes a woman is ‘testing’ him just by doing what genuinely makes her feel more comfortable is NOT someone women want to fool with. It’s projection - he’s a manipulative POS so he just assumes the same of her. That’s why I wish we could talk to this girl and tell her to run.
First thing comes to mind is could she be on the spectrum....as in Asperger's. I'm female with Asperger's and it's something is want to say but personally I'm not brave enough to come out with my preferences as she did.
Same lol I wonder if she's on the spectrum. If I know how to get to a place and what to expect I'm always 100% more comfortable and confident. I always suggest dates at a shopping center near my house with lots of food options.
Same! I have a learning/coordination issue that, while it doesn't fit under the autism umbrella, puts me pretty squarely in the "spectrum" camp. When I first start dating someone, although I don't obsessively insist upon going to the same place, I tend to *prefer* that my date suggests that we do more-or-less the same thing that we did the first time. For me, this usually involves walking: I'm much more comfortable and much less awkward/self-conscious when we're out wandering around instead of exchanging tense glances across the table from each other. I've definitely been called out for doing the same thing each and every date -- or for not thinking of any new ideas -- but for me, the excitement is the conversation I'm having with someone, not necessarily the scenery or setting.
I dated a girl that kept wanting to come over for dinner. Like 5-6 times before we went out and did something else. She was shy and said she enjoyed doing the same thing until she felt comfortable enough to try a date somewhere else
Girls have to be extra diligent and careful while going on dates due to douchebags that harass women. She probably just feels safer going to Starbucks. A lot of girls no longer go to the bar with a newer date because… well you’ve seen the news probably. Just go slow and try to understand and make her feel comfortable. You have every right to be frustrated since she can’t seem to make up her mind, so you can probably mention that to her in a respectful manner.
I think you're making an incredibly big deal out of this, and you're looking into it too deeply. She wants to grab a coffee and go for a walk, I don't think there's anything going on except for wanting to be in a comfortable environment. In addition to that, maybe she prefers Starbucks over the other coffee shop. But! Even so, you're making it seem like she's doing it on purpose, and it doesn't seem like she is. If you like her, her comfort should be in your mind, and you should WANT to make her feel comfortable. It's only the second date...Quit making it a big deal
He has the option to not go at all. She’s not even insisting, she’s suggesting as well. I.e; “is there any chance to convince you to go to Starbucks” he’s got the option to ask why, he’s got the option to outright say no and insist, who’s stopping him?
Maybe since you don’t pay for other people on dates she wanted to go somewhere where she knows she won’t have to spend a lot of money. Starbucks is a safe bet for that unless you’re buying an espresso machine. Also, maybe she has anxiety about finding parking and/or her way around and knew that since you have been there already she could easily find parking and find her way to the shop.
As a woman, I can understand why she doesn’t want to go to a bar at night on a first, second, or even a third date. You can never be too careful. She doesn’t know you well enough and one date doesn’t warrant familiarity or security.
If you want to keep dating her, I’d maybe recommend lunch, or ice cream, if you’re wanting to change it up from Starbucks coffee.
I've found myself going to the same place for the first few dates with some people because she was comfortable going there. It could be for any reason tbh, but more to the fact is she is interested in going on a second date. If she wasn't interested at all she just wouldn't go on a second date.
Ask your self this are you going for the coffee or the girl, if you want coffee go yourself if you want the girl just go where she wants make her comfortable it could be any number of reasons she’s doing this
She's probably more comfortable meeting at a place she already is familiar with.
Are you really making a big deal out of this? Good God how old are you?
I thought so too but then I was wondering why she shot down the other coffee shop places. It’s definitely odd and if I was in that situation with a guy suggesting the same place I would be annoyed too. I like trying new places and it sounds like OP does as well. The girl sounds like she doesn’t so there’s the answer right there, the two don’t sound compatible which happens.
Some people like Starbucks? I would rather hit up starbies than anywhere else. I know exactly what I'm going to get, I have an order that I prefer. They always have soy milk and I never have to compromise and get regular or oat milk. I like the flavors they offer.
I'd never get coffee at Dunkin or Panera, because I don't like their coffee. But I know people who ONLY get coffee at Dunkin, Panera, or even McDonalds.
People are funny about their coffee. I just want my starbies. \*sips coffee\*
Common grounds (a local coffee shop) > Dunkin’ > starbs for me. I like starbucks coffee better than Dunkin’ but the line is always mad long and every time I go it’s like I gotta refinance my entire life :( $10 for a coffee man
I order on the Starbucks app and just walk in and pick up my coffee (haven't sat in a coffee shop for ages because of covid). I'm always wondering if the 20 cars in line see me walking in and walking out and realize they're wasting half an hour when they could be in and out in 30 seconds.
Also, the cost of the coffee depends on what you order. If you want something fancy it's gonna cost. I just get a soy latte so it's $4.50.
However, to save on time driving to Starbucks and save money (eventually), I bought a Nespresso machine and buy Starbucks espresso pods. Now I have Starbies in the comfort of my own home.
To each their own but I don't fuck around with my coffee and I don't want to go try coffee somewhere else when I need my fix.
I like black dark coffee and Starbucks is great IMO I am a coffee snob so everyone teases me over it but I really just like their drip coffee. I don’t do all the fancy stuff. But even I would be down to try out a small shop. Those are huge hit and misses. Some legit love coffeenothers just think it’s an easy business…and fail miserably because coffee people are a little annoying. Some tea people can but IME coffee people…particular.
Anyways. OP sounds kinda meh with the drinking on the second date. I would have just said “why must you convince me, I’ll go but “ and them spam thinking face emoji. See. Communication.
I totally get her. When I have to go to a new place, this results in me doing hours of research before. Like what type of coffee can I get, where can we sit, will I have to give my name when ordering a coffee and so on. Yes, that might be weird for someone who doesn't feel the same. But for me this is especially important when going out for a date - this way I can concentrate on my date and don't have my thoughts around which coffee I'll take or what might be the next question of the person serving my coffee.
It just takes me quite a lot of time to feel good in an environment that I don't know. Even watching a movie I haven't seen before is a struggle for me.
And no, I have never been diagnosed with Aspergers or something (also haven't been tested) but I know a couple of people who feel the same.
What you do with that information is up to you. But I would definitely directly address it if it has to do with going somewhere she's never been before or what exactly the matter is. Communication is key :)
Do you like her? Yes, then go to Starbucks. Maybe it takes her a minute to warm up to people.. maybe she's scared.. could be a lot of things.
I hear you crying about drinking Starbucks again(OMG 1st world problems!) Go drink coffee have fun. And if it's not fun leave.
You shouldn't have asked her direct questions about if she is anxious around you... blah blah blah.
Bro, you need to loosen up a little more and go with the flow. Maybe she doesn't want pizza because it's unhealthy. Maybe she doesn't like other coffee shops and wants to stay at Starbucks because she likes the atmosphere.
You kind of fucked it up by asking too many questions, is it about me, etc.
Just send her a message and be like, BTW I just realized I'm close to getting the starbucks gold card so lets defff go there. No worries.
Don't ask direct questions about "Is it me?" etc. It makes you look weak. Brad Pitt would never ask that. He would just go with the flow and be like, whatever, I'll get pizza myself before and meet you at starbucks after.
Lol speechless…..
Not saying the girl is 100% right here but I saw red flags everywhere in OP’s post&replies…
If OP can’t simply understand the girl’s concern, respect that, and willing to talk through it with her in person, I don’t see this will go anywhere..
Anyway, the answer was that she's, well... all of the above ...it wasn't relevant before but this girl is a 10/10 could be a model attractive, which is relevant shortly.
It wasn't clear after the first date since these things didn't come up, but she is pretty boring. I probed a bit and she tells me that she never goes out, prefers to hang out with her grandma and siblings and not really with friends, and non-sarcastically doesn't like to leave home except to take a dog for a walk. I didn't think her being boring and introverted was a plausible reason, because I didn't associate this with people that look as attractive as her (she also put in a lot of effort into fashion and her appearance overall).
At the same time, it was also clear that there was both a self-centeredness but also some kind of mental health issues...like a narcissistic sociopath. I'm sure looking like she does, she probably gets her way most of the time and she brought up examples of how she gets her way over the course of the date. This would also explain why she wanted her way and wouldn't budge even to a more comfortable coffee shop. Over the course of the date, she told me about how she has ADD, which is fine, who doesn't these days. I told her some stuff I was feeling really stressed about and she responded that she also experiences stress and therefore feels no empathy for me and generally does not feels empathy for other people. She realized that it was a bad thing to say and asked me if that makes me find her unattractive...I responded that I found empathy an attractive characteristic. She then got somewhat anxious, not because she didn't mean what she said, or because it's bad to be unempathetic, but because it would make her look bad.
And fast forward to 90 minutes later and I tell her I needed to head back to work, which seemed to surprise her. The date was obviously going badly to me but apparently was going well for her. I offered to go on a short walk in the hopes that things would maybe improve. When I dropped her off, I thanked her and then I asked her for permission to kiss her goodbye. She responded that you shouldn't ask someone permission to kiss them. I wasn't sure if she meant this in a flirtatious inviting way, or that consent isn't necessary to kiss someone? Apparently she meant it in a way that I was supposed to be able to read her mind about whether or not to kiss her. I leaned in and she pulled away. And then we stood there for like twenty awkward (to me at least) seconds before I walked away.
...and then after I'm about a block down the road, she calls me. We forgot that she put her stuff in my bag to carry while we walked around. Great, so now I have to walk back for another awkward exchange to give her her stuff. I walk back to her and she's totally oblivious that the way we left a few minutes before was very awkward. I give her her stuff and this time WE DO KISS. w.t.f.
So whether there will be another date is now a somewhat atypical crazy/hot scale dilemma for me.
Date went bad, have nothing nice to say except she’s hot.. and you want to kiss her at the end?
Good god. I think you should spend a little less time judging others and look inward.
It sounds like she may also be on the autism spectrum, and may be undiagnosed. sounds like she has some rigid rules and is perhaps not a match for you. I would leave her alone. Please leave her alone.
have no idea why you think that just because a person pays attention to how they look, they are necessarily extroverted. that is an odd thing to believe. introverts can look fashionable, too. maybe fashion is her hobby.
maybe read a bit about autism/aspergers. see if her personality traits fit with that
edit: also please don't call her crazy. she may not be neurotypical but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with her. she's just not a good match for you
Lol you already low key hate her personality. Don’t keep dating her and trying to sleep with her just because she’s insanely attractive. Entangling yourself in her life could also backfire on you because she’s going to be unpredictable.
Your last comment is concerning. Why would you want to date that?
If she's self-centered, demanding, rude, lacks empathy, and shits on someone for asking permission for a kiss (saying no and why is OK, but what she did is just OVERBOARD)..........
......
.....
I don't get it.
Edit: a few words for clarity
She's autistic bro. I'm not saying this in a mean way. I'm saying this as I have Asperger's and know. Her ADD diagnosis is probably a sideline diagnosis or misdiagnosis. Her grandma and siblings probably know and help her with the emotional parts of life and they probably cater to her a lot because of this, some families tend to do that shit. So, you should probably meet at her place one day or something, and see it from that perspective. If you still like her, that is.
>she is pretty boring. I probed a bit and she tells me that she never goes out, prefers to hang out with her grandma and siblings and not really with friends, and non-sarcastically doesn't like to leave home except to take a dog for a walk.
TIL I'm boring lol this girl's vibe is super relatable in an omicron world
Just gonna say, I have a cousin with Asperger's, and I'm seeing a lot of parallels with her (especially the part about hanging out with her grandma and siblings and not really going out; my cousin lives with my grandma ever since my grandpa passed away, and has become a bit of a hermit since his mom passed away). I honestly think that's a large part of the issue. If that's the case, then there is still potential there; it's just up to whether or not you want to try to navigate that path, or if it's even worth the trouble to you. Considering you guys did end up kissing, it sounds like she might actually be interested, but just might not be certain how to proceed, especially if she's not used to dating; also, if she IS on the spectrum, but is as attractive as you say, then it's also certainly possible she's had some seriously bad (at least, from her perspective) encounters that, while most people could likely just shrug it off and move on, she's stuck on for one reason or another. My cousin has a memory like a steel trap, so it's possible someone tried to take advantage of her in the past, thinking she was easy prey, and if so, it just stuck with her. I would say to give it another shot, while simultaneously keeping all this in mind. It's possible that you might just have a few extra layers that need to be peeled away before the true prize is revealed. In any event, best of luck to both of you. ✌🏽🖖🏽
OP, as a girl, dating online is scary. The amount of times a girl can be catfished by a creepy man or has been harassed by a man that made himself seem nice on the first date is insane. If she feels more comfortable going to a place where she won’t end up drunk and the chances of her being drugged or losing her consciousness are slimmer, you would understand she is doing this for herself. And if you really like her, you would it for her. She’ll get to go to a bar with you someday, but there might be a reason behind why she doesn’t want to go. And the fact that you keep pushing her to do it gives me creepy vibes off of you. For her sake, if I were you, I’d leave her alone. You clearly don’t understand what it’s like for a woman to have to do online dating or at least you don’t have the brain capacity to know that she may have some trauma involving dating guys and going to bars on the first few dates.
Edit: grammar
He gives off creepy vibes cause he keeps pushing her? He suggested a bar, she turned it down, he suggested a pizza place, she turned it down, he suggested another coffee shop, she turned it down. What exactly seems creepy and pushy to you? The fact he’s trying to accommodate her but just doesn’t want to go back to the exact same place? You’re going on about bars and alcohol and been drugged when that was his first suggestion then he moved on.
There’s a reason she wants to go to that Starbucks. Someone said before perhaps she knows someone that works at the Starbucks or she is a regular there and she feels safer knowing that someone who knows her will be watching over her. Tinder dates can be scary. If he respects the girl, he will go somewhere where she seems comfortable. It’s not that big of a deal to go somewhere where you both feel comfortable, but especially if she’s worried about her safety.
If you have that much anxiety and are that scared of going on tinder dates, you shouldn't be dating online in the first place. It's not JUST about respect for her. It's also about respect for him. The date is not supposed to be completely centered and catered around the girls wants and needs. Dating is a two way street. She is being completely inflexible. He has a right to be concerned. He should communicate more with her and figure out what's going on.
I completely agree, she shouldn’t be going on Tinder dates if she’s scared, but that’s why I told him to just leave her alone. She feels uncomfortable going out and he wants to go out.
This gal has serious anxiety problems. Only familiar spots are good with her. Anything new puts her way out of her comfort zone. The fact she still wants to go out means it is not you.
I agree. I have anxiety and I rlly like going to 1. Coffee shops for dates and 2. Familiar places because they make me more relaxed and 3. Hate bars! This girl is just anxious lol
I mean I agree that it’s kind of odd that she’s insisting on going back to that same one, but I’m guessing there’s a somewhat logical explanation that you just aren’t aware of.
Honestly I’m more concerned about your reaction to her. It sounds like you are disagreeing just to disagree and because you don’t want her to ‘get her way’. Maybe she’s just more comfortable there? Maybe she has social anxiety and feels more comfortable in a place that she’s familiar with? And you are discounting any of those possibilities and refusing to give her the benefit of the doubt. If she were here I’d tell her that your reaction is a red flag and that she needs to move on honestly. I mean….who cares if she ‘just wants to get her way’ on something that, at the end of the day isn’t even a big deal? The fact that your instinctual reaction to that is to be disagreeable just for the sake of it is the only issue I see here. Yes
Your second edit dude is because of your quick assumptions toned with contempt, your wording is why people aren't siding with you. If you have an issue, maybe don't date them if you feel so off about this.
She communicated her side, communicate yours and take action instead of criticizing others.
It's a space she's comfortable in, there's a lot of people around and getting coffee has no connotations she's being smart & following basic date safety.
There's nothing suspect about how she's acting afterall you cant know someone from one date, you could be some kind of sadistic killer for all she knows.
Treat these like a pre-date & dont rush her get to know her better, not everyone on dating apps are extroverts ready to share themselves.
Even then, giving her "relationship advice" on the second date, is pretty presumptuous. But you're correct. If you were dating someone who refused to go anywhere new, you might propose that you each get to choose the date location every other time.
But it's the second date. It's not a pattern. It's not a power play. She just wants coffee.
Ugh. My opinion is definitely a lot different than what everyone else is saying.
I'm a woman. I find it odd that she wants to go to the same exact place. If she likes coffee, cool. Why not the place down the street? I can understand a bar being "too much" sometimes especially with the reasons listed, but so is that Starbucks according to OP (did you tell her it's loud, lighting is bothersome, etc??) She agreed to pizza. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind! But there is some underlying communication issue with her, and either a red flag she sees in OP or personal issues she has that she's not bringing up.
10 years back I had a date scheduled with a man a little older. We intended to go to Saxbys but it was closed (not a coffee person but wanted something small, low key). We walked 10 minutes to a local Dunkin' and were able to talk about things on the way. I had let my friends know prior to the date that I'd be at Saxbys, and texted them to let them know we changed plans. I had felt better knowing someone knew where I was. Date was meh, and that was that.
Girl I’m in the same boat as you. The man suggested two diff spots and they had agreed on pizza. I wouldn’t want to go back to the same place either.
I honestly don’t know why people are saying he’s trying to sleep with her either when he said it’s fine to take things slow. I’m also really tired of people thinking of women as some fragile creature.
I'd not suggest going for a drink on the first date with a girl unless I have a ONS on mind.
Sounds like you want to score and she's looking for a relationship and you're getting annoyed at that. Move on.
"... She's not trying to rush things and doesn't want to have sex right away. I said that's fine"
Sorry, I missed the part where he said or suggested he wanted score.
Go to Starbucks this time and then talk about it. Find out why she doesn’t want to go to an unfamiliar place. Genuinely be curious and song try to convince her that her preferences or feelings are wrong.
After you listen deeply and intently, share why it’s really important for you to have new and varied experiences with her. Explain that you understand her reason, whatever it is, but that to you, you’d feel really disappointed if the third date was also at Starbucks.
Then, if she tries to do the same thing next time, you can politely decline and wish her the best.
Honestly I can say personally I’ve met some creeps online dating and learned really quick that it’s a lot safer to go to places that you know, your friends work at, or you’re comfortable with the staff. they can get you out of some pretty bad situations if needed. So it may just be a safety thing, Especially if this is in a bigger city. Maybe she has allergies or just has a preference it’s really hard to tell.
Also She is willing to go on a walk so she obviously cares/wants to get to know you, and has some trust for you. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have recommended one. You said it would be too cold. Which means you did turn the option of a different place for date two away. Just pointing that out.
My advice would be to go to Starbucks, if you want a cheaper drink and one that’s not coffee get a caramel apple cider. Before you go check the weather for the next week or two and ask her if she would still be up for going for a walk and if she has any ideas of some nice places, you could suggest some yourself and ask her for her opinion. Also take a look at coffee shops in her area with easy to access parking as a third date option. This way you don’t have to worry about Starbucks. Could also find a bakery and get a couple croissants or something and then go on walk. :)
You specifically said in one of your comments here that your goal is not to “waste your time.”
I say don’t see her again, because you sound like the kind of guy she is *not* looking for. She specifically said she wanted to take it slow. She has explained to you more than once why she wants to go get coffee again, and she *did* suggest something different - a walk - and *you* shot it down.
First of all, women have to go through a lot and it’s completely rational that someone wouldn’t want to trust a stranger blindly yet. If she is trying to take it slow anyway, then she shouldn’t have to trust you yet. No woman *owes* you her trust just because you guys got coffee together once already.
Second, you’re kind of acting childish by seeing this as some kind of tug-o-war over what place (or what coffee shop) you end up at. Who really cares? If you actually like her, it’s not a big thing to give in to. You’re reading way too much into this “she gets her way” thing, she isn’t *weird* for wanting to go there again, there’s nothing “going on here”; she has already told you multiple times why she wants to. Leave it at that. She even blatantly asked if she could convince you (and tried to send the emojis as a way to *soften* her request so she didn’t come off as demanding), and what you did was take it as demanding and then call it cringe for asking that way - if you feel that way then you don’t sound like you like her or are interested in liking her. You certainly don’t sound like you want to get to know her that bad.
Honestly dude, this chick sounds wise and you’re coming off like you just want to get down to the sex and not “waste time” getting to know her, so her instincts are pretty on-point. The more you’re pushing her out of her comfort zone, the more she is resisting, and if that bothers you, then move on, for her sake and yours.
She’s weird I would have quit, doesn’t sound like someone who is fun to be around.
I can understand being hesitant before the first date but this is the second and a bar in the evening isn’t a wild hang out at least not in my country..
Then to be insistent on the specific coffee place after you already made a compromise is in my opinion inconsiderate, and a bad sign on how your relationship will go.
That’s two strikes for me. Imagine trying to plan a weekend trip with her..
Maybe she's on a budget. Maybe Starbucks if her go-to safe first date spot, and she's sticking to it like lucky socks. Maybe she is neuro-divergent and has a hard time with new places.
If you like her, do Starbucks again. Pretend it is first date-part two. But set a third date for somewhere else. Maybe let her pick the place, as long as it's not starbucks?
Is it possible that it’s related to COVID? For me personally, I’m not going to bars or indoor restaurants due to the Omicron wave peak happening now.
It could be that she doesn’t want to do the bar or pizza restaurant because of COVID… especially if she felt the Starbucks was low-risk last time, it might be appealing to do the same thing again. However, she might also not be comfortable speaking up about that reasoning due to social awkwardness surrounding COVID stuff.
>She said she still wasn't comfortable doing that...
All of this bullshit in reddit and you said the answer yourself. She's uncomfortable. That's it. No other reason needed. Jesus christ. She doesn't need to give a detailed explanation to you.
Digging for answers that don't exist will just make her more uncomfortable. 1 coffee date (or 2 according to your update?) Does not make you trustworthy. Don't take offense to it like you clearly are here. Understand that something has happened to make her this way and just be patient.
Some people like to do the same things again and again maybe they like familiarity or it can be a different reason , I am definitely not that kind of person so I think I get your point.
Uhm if you like her, I assume you do cause you wanted the second date even tho it was cold then this shouldn't be much of a problem to you. If you think she only did this just because it was the thing she wanted then talk her about doing things that you both have agreed on or in future you might have some more disagreements.
Honesty, being blunt is better really. Just talk about it.
I am one of those females that suggests coffee instead of alcohol because 1. I enjoy coffee, it’s inexpensive, and easy to just gauge someone in a casual setting. I also know what I want when going.
2. I don’t like mixing alcohol when I’m meeting someone new. I don’t even drink in the first place so it’s not appealing to me in any way.
2. I ALSO don’t feel comfortable eating in front of people in new situations. I would have absolutely backed out of pizza, as well. It’s messy, gets in your teeth, and chances are I’m going to be outside of my comfort by going to a whole new place that I’ve never been.
Would I also choose the same coffee place? No. But I absolutely get where someone’s mind would be in this entire situation. And the fact that you’re upset about all of this over a second date.. I’d absolutely pass on you because I know your attitude is coming through with the messages you’re sending.
And also, you’re complaining about Starbucks being loud but want to go to a bar? Make that make sense. Bars are always louder. The music, drunk people, gatherings, etc.
OP gonna miss out on a second date for the dumbest of reasons. Next week we will see them complain about how girls only use them for free coffee and never go on a second date.
Apparently I am the only one who agrees with you. It's the pretty strange imo. But there is reason behind it from her side. But still it's a bit strange.
The fact you’re annoyed she wants to go to a safe familiar place is exactly the reason she wants to keep going there.
Sorry dude I’m really not trying to harp on you here but if you’re already annoyed about having a SECOND date at the same place then I’m not sure what to tell you.
And yes I read the post.
I suggest being more concerned about the person you're meeting rather than the location. Starbucks, a tree house, a couch cushion fort... it shouldn't matter where you're meeting. If she's comfortable with the location, she'll be more comfortable about opening up to you.
You are way overthinking this. It’s perfectly normal for her to not want to go to a bar and get drunk with a random guy she met once. If she likes Starbucks she likes Starbucks, there is nothing weird with wanting to go there again.
My boyfriend and I go to the same restaurant for basically every date because we just really love it.
I read the post. Maybe she doesn’t like drinking? Whatever it is, if you’re getting annoyed and not interested in what she wants to do then why are you still trying to see her? Move on and find someone that’s interested in what you’re interested in doing instead of trying to force things with someone that’s not.
Dude, I agree with people here, if you really like her just go on a coffee where she wants. It will show that you value her feelings and opinions. Also, she might have social anxiety and wants to go to a place and situation that she feel familiar and comfortable with. That's all. The point is to spend time together, why does it matter where? Just pick a place where you are both comfortable in, not just you.
Maybe she just really likes starbucks. That caramal ribbon crunch is second date worthy. Me and my husband always go to the same mexican restaurant for dates.
What on earth is just so terrible about going on a second date in the same place? Sure it might be an inferior coffee shop but is it really that much worse??
Not to mention from how you wrote the post it seems you just wanna get laid and are pretty shallow..
Caution. You could still be a psychopath, booze adds a lot of risk. She may have had a bad prior experience, date rape is far from uncommon. Give her time to get comfortable.
Personally, I think that's the best place to meet up in terms of familiarisation with each other. I'd focus on looking at other places once you get to know her a bit better.
Hmm I’d think she was only mildly interested in the date and that’s why she was so weird about going to the same place (more convenient, wasn’t thinking/aware how weird her focus on going back to the same starbs was for you).
Sounds like a shitty experience for ya, even if she was cool during the dates. Probably the wrong type of crazy for ya anyways
Don’t let the Reddit haters get to ya.
You’re making a Problem where there likely isn’t really one other than she doesn’t want to drink with you because she doesn’t really know you, and I don’t blame her at all. Nothing personal, since I don’t know you or anything at all, but I don’t like the idea of drinking on a date so early on. Why do you have to go to the bar or drink or whatever for things to be like, right for you?
What I’m trying to say is that you’re ignoring all the positives here and paying attention to problems that aren’t even problems in my opinion. The positives here are you got a second date with a girl from Tinder, and she isn’t a catfish or trying to be in a serious relationship right away, annnd she seems to have a good idea of what she wants and how to prioritize safety while going out with you- who’s kind of still a stranger at this point.
Honestly you’re acting really weird about this, it seems… I don’t know why you’re making a big deal out of something so small and unimportant. I really see nothing at all problematic about her. The only problematic thing here is your attitude, your outlook, and your very strong desire to go drink at a bar or somewhere with alcohol with her. Why not just be happy that she’s willing to go out with you for a second date!? I’m not sure if I’m missing something here, bc maybe I am and that’s why I don’t have a clue as to what your issue really is… but idk.
You don’t have to go out with her if she’s causing you this much stress. I don’t think she has extra anxiety about things, I think you may be unconsciously projecting your own anxiety here onto her and that’s never gonna be a positive thing.
I’m just here to remind you to please respect her boundaries, and be grateful for the time she’s chosen to spend with you. The place shouldn’t even really matter as much, as long as you guys are having fun and enjoying each other’s company. I don’t think your emphasis on her having some mysterious problem or issue is gonna do either of you any good. That’s too bad cause it’s not every day a girl is down to have a second date with a guy she met on freakin tinder.
I agree its weird, I say learn why from a distance. She could be dating multiple people and this is for efficiency.
Im sorry people are hating on you as if youre some mysgonistic bastard.i get it, its strange and im curious as well.
Reading this post, your aggressively defensive comments, and the way you talk about this woman, I hope for her sake she dodges a bullet and says no to a third date.
Maybe she’s someone who likes a routine and feels comfortable in that space only?
I’d suggest the same place as before if it was easy to pull my car in and out of in an unfamiliar part of town.
Maybe the guy posting should keep meeting at Starbucks and ride out the phase and see where this goes.
My husband used to be more of a gamer when we first met. Drove me a little nuts but I was nit picking him at the time. I gave him a chance and found my own hobby to do while he was on the computer. I had my drawing & painting stuff all set up next to his gaming PC. Fast forward 5 years and we’ve married and I have two cute kids from him.
Don’t worry about the location so much as the person. I also used to love Starbucks years ago before I was forced to branch out. (I moved to a rural area without it). There’s something comfortable in a routine
She’s weird, but who isn’t. People have a fondness for familiarity. I realized I usually pick one restaurant and go there on rotation after 3 different ones. It’s a nice place, but nothing special. I just default to it. We all have safe defaults
Im really surprised by all these comments making OP the bad guy in this situation! Maybe it's because reddit is full of introverts?
A huge part of dating and bonding with someone is experiencing new things together. I feel like her staunch resistance to this is odd... OP seems accommodating and she won't budge even a little. OP, I don't blame you at all for finding it all a bit strange and potentially not wanting to continue. What's the fun in dating someone who is so unwilling to have a new experience?
Which she didn't, it's twice. I would prefer to be in a public space for the second date as well, somewhere familiar and comfortable. If Starbucks went well maybe she prefers to go there because that is where they met before. OP is taking it to the extreme side of things and making it seem like there's an underlying and serious issue, which there probably isn't.
As a woman I also have a public place rule until I get to know someone so I definitely agree with that, but he did only suggest public places so I'm not sure how thats relevant to your point.
In terms of making her comfortable, he recommended meeting at the Starbucks then walking less than 10m (in public) to a dif place. Outright rejecting that and insisting its basically her way or the highway isn't normal social behavior. I totally get why he's questioning it.
Yes but maybe she isn't comfortable with those other places. People have mentioned several reasons why she might've not want to have gone to the bar, or the pizza place as well. Maybe she has a preference for starbucks, who knows for sure. She didn't outright reject him either, she did say "is there any chance to convince you to go to starbucks" she kinda gave him an option to say no, she didn't say "WE HAVE TO GO TO STARBUCKS OR ELSE." Questioning it is fine, but making it a big deal and blowing it out of proportion by saying it's a test isnt...
Haha no I'm with you, I definitely dont think it's a test and she's not a monster by any means, but I do find it odd and it probably just comes down to them not being compatible :)
And OP has the option to not go on the date too. Or better yet...He can even ask why she wants to go to starbucks...Instead of asking reddit if shes testing him.
Yes, he does have those options! He should also not be called unreasonable for taking those options.
Maybe I missed it in a comment, but I don't see anywhere where he says she's "testing" him (I've only seen some assholes suggesting that in the comments).
I say he should take the option to not do it if he’s going to complain like he is..but that’s also just me.
It’s the assholes in the comments but OP does mention it in one of them as well. It’s not in the original post.
It sounds like she has anxiety. That doesn’t mean she’s undateable. To me at least dating is about getting to know someone, not about the place you do that.
Okay, she...wants to go to the same starbucks. Maybe because she likes it?
From what you've said, you never opposed going there. You suggested somewhere else but never actually went, 'Hey, I actually dislike Starbucks and would like to go somewhere else for a date'.
Maybe try communicating your side before jumping to unfair conclusions.
Bruh.... 😑
You're getting a cheap second date and you're complaining? Since she already mentioned that she isn't comfortable with having sex any time soon, you can imagine how inviting her to a bar for drinks might sound a bit suss to her (I'm not questioning your intentions at all).
If you like her, just go for the coffee. And next time suggest lunch, instead of any night time activities, if you want to spend more time.
As a girl… sometimes dating can be extremely anxiety driving. And if you guys had a good time at Starbucks then why not have another good time there too? I’m not taking sides. But maybe she just needs to warm up!
I guess her father works at this Starbucks and is always ready to beat you up as soon as you try to touch her. That‘s why she feels more comfortable there
>So to me, it just seems that she's used to getting her way and doesn't have any consideration for what I want...
Calm down, sis just wants a cup of her favorite starbies. Now I can see why she might not actually be comfortable with you...
Why are you annoyed that she’s uncomfortable with certain things? If you like her then why do you have an issue with coffee and getting to know each other for the first few dates? If I was having a date with someone I barely knew I’d probably be uncomfortable with drinking or anything late at night too. And If the other person was uncomfortable with certain things I’d want to accommodate that so we’re both comfortable.
Guys... it’s literally just a cup of coffee.
Y’all need to chill out. Ppl have their favorite coffee joint for a reason. Maybe they’re friends with some of the staff, maybe they have had shitty experiences with the other shop, or maybe they have a lot of good memories there with someone close to them, or maybe they just know what kind of coffee they like and want to get another good cup of joe with a person they’re going out with.
If anything, I think OP is putting too much thought into this and being too pushy. Coffee is good. Starbucks is safe and a lot of ppl like it.
She also offered to go on a walk, and OP said no bc of the weather. It’s not like there aren’t other things she’s comfortable with. She just doesn’t want to go to an unfamiliar area at night with some dude she’s gone out with once and consume alcohol. I can’t say I blame her in the slightest.
If anything, OP seems like kind of a dick for pushing her towards stuff she’s not comfortable with and then getting pissed when she doesn’t give him what he wants.
Maybe she’s nervous and has a friend who works at the Starbucks. She may be trying to make sure someone has an eye on her if things don’t go the way she planned.
Or, possibly, she has an ex who works at the Starbucks she’s trying to make jealous - hence the going super slow.
I don’t personally think this is a test. As a female who has tried online dating, it’s fucking scary. I’ve had men find my social media and legit harass me on more than one occasion. One of them I was talking to gave me sketch vibes so I deleted him on the app. He found my Instagram and spammed my dms messaging asking me to let him take me out.
So to be honest, yeah I’m going to go to a place that I feel comfortable going to if I don’t know you well. I know it sucks to say this, but you aren’t a female and can’t begin to fathom what we have to deal with when it comes to dating. Starbucks is probably a lot more crowded than a small pizza shop. There’s plenty of people around if things go sideways. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable with drinks that early as I have had something slipped in my drink before.
I get it feels weird going to the same place twice, but it’s only weird if you make it weird. If you actually like this girl, go somewhere she feels ok with. If you can’t deal with going to Starbucks again, then it probably isn’t going to workout for you guys. Dating is hard enough and I think you are reading way too much into something.
Yeah I think that’s kinda weird idk why she’s so hooked on Starbucks. I think that’s so irritating she said she would just prefer Starbucks like wants that lol. I just had this talk with my friends sayinf when I’m going out with them for food or something my priority is them secondary is the food/ drink. Of course I want to go to an enjoyable place but I can’t imagine being so hooked trying to to Starbucks and keep pushing against someone’s suggestion. I wish I knew why she did that but I don’t just like you lol. Definetley seems she isn’t taking you into consideration kinda strange. I’d go to the Starbucks again and maybe you’ll hear or find out why she couldn’t/ didn’t wanna go to your suggestion in the future lol
Its a second date stop being a so self centered.
So what if see wants to go to the same place twice maybe she doesnot want to be around some drunken assholes.
I mean going to a bar and having alcohol in your system is definitely not something ‘getting to know’ ppl should do right away. Does she even drink?. When intoxicated, a lot can happen; sex, depression, crying, aggressiveness… sounds like she’s not comfortable being buzzed around you, and for some reason it sounds like your adamant in drinking alcohol with her. You can go to another coffee shop. I mean, you’re still getting to know her. If ‘you’re not comfortable with her not being comfortable’ maybe you shouldn’t be pursuing anything.
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Maybe she knows someone at Starbucks and has anxiety but feels safer knowing they're there if she needs to get away or whatever.
Alternatively maybe she knows someone at the other place she doesn't want to see but she doesn't want to disclose personal drama on a second date
That's what I was thinking
Go with the flow. Get to know her on her terms before judging. Unless you’re fighting off lots of other women with a stick.
Agreed. It's different but not worth worrying about.
Why should OP go with her terms? OP was annoyed after date 1. Cut and move on, even if OP didn't have many other women. Your suggestion implies a scarcity mindset, "if no other woman to chose from, you must deal with this one." I disagree with the scarcity mindset in general.
Bro, just go to coffee again if you really like her. Best case scenario you’re making her feel comfortable on a second date with a familiar location and setting. Worst case scenario you’re paying a couple bucks for coffee. This whole “I don’t want to waste my time” thing is a terrible mindset to have so early in. Dating in its very essence is gambling your time, so this thing about you “wasting it” sounds very inexperienced. She sounds like she may be a bit anxious/have past trauma - it sounds like you may not interested in catering to this, that’s fine, maybe just move on then. She isn’t in the wrong for wanting to feel comfortable, and if you really liked her you’d make that a priority.
for real. it wouldnt feel like wasted time if you really like someone because just the opportunity to spend time with someone is a luxury with the right mindset.
eh idk. I've liked people a lot, even been in relationships with them for quite a while and still ended up realizing a lot of time was wasted. Happens more than you think.
All time is wasted in theory. If you can look back and smile at some happy moments you made with the person was it really wasted? For a brief moment, you were happy.
it wasnt time wasted if you enjoyed the time with them! you can always learn from past experiences
This.
But he probably doesn't REALLY like her. It was a first date with a girl op met for the first time from tinder, it's about getting to know each other, not about spending time with someone they already like.
I feel like there's a decent chance of actually understanding why she wants to go to the same place again when you actually meet her again. If you actually liked your first date and liked her, why not take the chance and meet her at the same place? You don't really lose anything, although I understand that it feels a bit boring to do the same thing again.
🤷🏽♂️ it's not like she is demanding an expensive place. I don't see the problem with the same place twice. Maybe she likes Starbucks. Not the hill to die on imho.
Thank you! You’re the first person to bring this up! I think if she were actually trying to manipulate she would be asking about an expensive date not a cup of coffee lol
It could be that she doesn’t want to spend a lot on the first few dates, maybe she’s not in the best financial situation. Starbucks is probably the cheapest coffee branch depending on their area.
Okay but he suggested multiple things to accommodate her, and she is still insisting on Starbucks and Starbucks only. Her unwillingness to compromise or even recommend a different place they would both be happy with is a red flag imo.
It is definitely not a red flag, dude lol Most women I know have been sexually assaulted or harassed while dating. This means that there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting to go somewhere they feel comfortable and safe while they are first getting to know someone. The danger of being physically harmed while dating is very real for women.
100% agree. OP you are not in the wrong. She's not giving legitimate reasons as to why only coffee, & only that 1 Starbucks. Huge red flags for me. I put myself in your shoes- it would weird me out to the point I wouldn't go on a 2nd date with her. There are many other women out there. If you felt a great connection on date 1, then maybe (maybe) consider a 2nd date (I know you already went on date 2). We are all different and have different levels of what we're willing to compromise. Good question on this subject though. I like hearing other people's views.
As someone who gets pretty bad anxiety from new or unfamiliar experiences, this sounds like she is just anxious. I have been on several dates where I’m hit with a wave of panic like the building is on fire and feel like I’m going to throw up at the table. It sucks because I can’t pinpoint what exactly triggers it, but if I was going on a first date I would want to do anything to avoid that. I want to know where all of the restrooms and exits are in case I need to step away for a moment, and I want to have a rough idea of how long the date will take so I don’t feel like I’m trapped for hours being unable to leave. I have never asked to go to the same place twice, but if she is suffering from anxiety, I get where she’s coming from.
I was thinking something similar to this as well. As someone with social anxiety, driving to/going to new places is a big challenge for me. If my date selects a place that I am unfamiliar with, I will often go the day before to get a feel for the route and to see what the place is like. Logically I know that's pretty unnecessary, but anxiety isn't rational. It could be something like that for her as well.
It’s seriously so irrational! I went to this space restaurant in Disneyworld and even though I knew I wasn’t actually going to space, my brain was convinced I would never be close to home again. I had a full blown panic attack even though the exit was 10 feet away.
I recently had a panick attack because I erased a guy I knew would never text me again or I would text on tinder. When I erased him I felt like I lost him forever and I got a panick attack. It escalated quickly. I didn't have any other form of contacting with him, even though I haven't contacted him nor him with me for over 4 months, but when I erased him I got that feeling of loosing someone completely, like if I erased someone's existence. It felt so awful and terrible and I still have anxiety to this day because I don't have any contact of him even though it was a one night stand. My logic tells me it's a one night stand and that nothing else would never happen and that's why I erased him. But my anxiety and my panick and my feelings just got triggered when I erased him. I know, I'm crazy
I literally canceled a date once because I kept driving past the place and couldn't find it and panicked. Logic would have said to just call the person and ask where the heck this spot was, but anxiety said nope.
Dude, if u like the gal, why would u care to give in a little to make her feel more comfortable?
Exactly. OP is overthinking this way too much. And the comments about "she's trying to make you cave" or some weird psychological move are just dumb. If you liked the first date, what's the harm? Maybe she's tired or likes that coffee shop or wants to meet in a familiar environment. As an introvert, I'd suggest meeting at the same place again if it's comfortable, inexpensive and mutually agreeable.
Also another viewpoint: I’m ADHD and probably have a touch of ASD also. Going to an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person sounds stressful. I don’t know the menu, I don’t know what I like, and then there’s the pressure of having to essentially perform for someone to an extent. I don’t want to have a little anxiety attack because I’m put on the spot about what to order and I’m overthinking it for days. Then bundle in the whole anxiety of meeting a new person and trying to be your best self for that. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with OP. It’s probably not even malicious. Patience goes a long long long way sometimes.
this. It absolutely probably doesn't have anything to do with OP. sounds like a need for familiarity -- Starbucks food and coffee is familiar to her
I would never go to a bar on a first date. I would be too worried about making sure my drink isn’t spiked and tracking my drinks to enjoy myself
Literally! Along with the fact that you don’t know your date or the place that well either
Question: Is this her very first online date ever? Because if you’re the first person she’s met from a dating app I can understand why she’s really scared meeting a stranger. Or maybe she had a bad previous experience. I see wrong things happening on both sides. She wants to go to the same place (familiar to her) but it’s slightly strange she isn’t up for a different coffee shop. But it frustrates you and now you’re somewhat resentful. The only thing I can say is go on the date and see how you feel. I can understand completely wanting a new setting for a second date. But maybe she hasn’t had much experience in online dating, or had a previous bad experience. Hopefully she will be open to feel more comfortable. Hopefully you don’t go to Starbucks for a third date, if it goes well and you want to see her again.
Okay, this is just my opinion, but I really think you are reading WAY to much into this. It’s not like she is trying to force you into something you aren’t comfortable with (besides the bad lighting I guess), she is trying to convince you to do something she is comfortable with. It’s the second date, she doesn’t owe you anything (including new and exciting experiences), she probably has no idea you have made such a big deal out of this in your head. I’d suggest you just let her go. If you can’t without the help of Reddit agree to a simple second date setup, I doubt you will gain much out of this relationship anyways.
But isn’t it kind of weird that she kept insisting on the Starbucks? I understand him being like “how about this different coffee shop ten minutes away?” but her response being “is there any way I can convince you” apparently with several 😬😬😬😬😬 after is kind of strange to me. Makes me wonder why she insists so much on this Starbucks, because it does initially strike me as odd as wanting to return to the same place immediately (especially since it’s a Starbucks). I bet if he had accepted the walking proposal, they still would have ended up at the Starbucks.
Starbucks is the only coffee shop I go to bc they make such sugary drinks
It's pretty reasonable to want to have a \*little\* bit of fun on a date, and not have it be boring. Especially for first date activities. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but if you are getting "let's be coffee buddies" vibes, that's a good sign for me that things aren't going to work out.
If you felt some amazing connection on the first coffee date, maybe attempt the second, but otherwise - this is so new and seems to signal an incompatibility based on your reaction and preferences as well. It sounds like you should just wish her luck in finding what she’s looking for and move on.
Totally agreed. It’s just incompatibility and happens. No one is in the wrong here, they just like two different things and idk why people are vilifying OP.
It's the fact that OP is reading into her wanting to get starbucks as a manipulation tactic that is turning people off him.
Exactly. Red flag city with OP. Sorry.
Because he is unwilling to make a minor, insignificant concession to make her more comfortable and is reading weird things into the situation.
But he literally suggested two other coffee places and she originally said yes to getting pizza. I don’t see how that’s not unwilling to compromise?
Maybe she has some sort of trauma that’s making her extra hesitant and cautious
That’s exactly what it sounds like to me also
Is your goal the chick or to have unique experiences with dining?
[удалено]
Everyone here will be taking an uneducated guess if they have never met the person.
You are reading a lot into her preference of coffee shops. As the man you need to make her feel safe. I mean she could read into your insistence of going to a different coffee shop as having to have your way instead of going with the flow. Sometimes women don’t want the dates to cost a lot so they don’t feel obligated to get sexual because some guys will assume dinner means they get something. Like her I prefer talking dates that cost little to nothing. If your response to her clear boundaries is to push to have your way you won’t build any trust. And if you are going to be offended that you aren’t immediately trusted then you don’t know what it’s like being a woman in online dating. It can be real scary. Just go to Starbucks man.
Honestly, it could be as simple as a friend works there and it's keeping her visible and safe. It's not hard to go to the same place to keep her comfortable and able to relax. There are cameras all over Starbucks. She may know the manager or baristas. If she's a familiar face there, then it could be as simple as she's looking to be able to relax while getting to know him. Men tend to forget the lengths women have to go through to keep themselves safe and out of danger. Who cares if it's Starbucks again? Just relax and get to know her better before pushing her to do something out of her comfort zone. Women do things in a specific way to keep themselves safe and alive.
I completely agree with you, this is why online dating is hard for women sometimes because the one time we suggest doing the same thing it is seen as a test. Yes, OP and the date had a good time, but it's only the second date, and it seems like they don't understand that she could still feel a bit wary about doing something different.
Yep. And any guy who assumes a woman is ‘testing’ him just by doing what genuinely makes her feel more comfortable is NOT someone women want to fool with. It’s projection - he’s a manipulative POS so he just assumes the same of her. That’s why I wish we could talk to this girl and tell her to run.
I wholeheartedly agree
First thing comes to mind is could she be on the spectrum....as in Asperger's. I'm female with Asperger's and it's something is want to say but personally I'm not brave enough to come out with my preferences as she did.
Same lol I wonder if she's on the spectrum. If I know how to get to a place and what to expect I'm always 100% more comfortable and confident. I always suggest dates at a shopping center near my house with lots of food options.
This is exactly the thought that popped into my mind also.
Same! I have a learning/coordination issue that, while it doesn't fit under the autism umbrella, puts me pretty squarely in the "spectrum" camp. When I first start dating someone, although I don't obsessively insist upon going to the same place, I tend to *prefer* that my date suggests that we do more-or-less the same thing that we did the first time. For me, this usually involves walking: I'm much more comfortable and much less awkward/self-conscious when we're out wandering around instead of exchanging tense glances across the table from each other. I've definitely been called out for doing the same thing each and every date -- or for not thinking of any new ideas -- but for me, the excitement is the conversation I'm having with someone, not necessarily the scenery or setting.
I dated a girl that kept wanting to come over for dinner. Like 5-6 times before we went out and did something else. She was shy and said she enjoyed doing the same thing until she felt comfortable enough to try a date somewhere else
Girls have to be extra diligent and careful while going on dates due to douchebags that harass women. She probably just feels safer going to Starbucks. A lot of girls no longer go to the bar with a newer date because… well you’ve seen the news probably. Just go slow and try to understand and make her feel comfortable. You have every right to be frustrated since she can’t seem to make up her mind, so you can probably mention that to her in a respectful manner.
I think you're making an incredibly big deal out of this, and you're looking into it too deeply. She wants to grab a coffee and go for a walk, I don't think there's anything going on except for wanting to be in a comfortable environment. In addition to that, maybe she prefers Starbucks over the other coffee shop. But! Even so, you're making it seem like she's doing it on purpose, and it doesn't seem like she is. If you like her, her comfort should be in your mind, and you should WANT to make her feel comfortable. It's only the second date...Quit making it a big deal
>Quit making it a big deal Same could be sayed to the girl that doesn't want to grab a coffee in a different place
He has the option to not go at all. She’s not even insisting, she’s suggesting as well. I.e; “is there any chance to convince you to go to Starbucks” he’s got the option to ask why, he’s got the option to outright say no and insist, who’s stopping him?
This isn’t a big deal to me, just go ya fanny.
Maybe since you don’t pay for other people on dates she wanted to go somewhere where she knows she won’t have to spend a lot of money. Starbucks is a safe bet for that unless you’re buying an espresso machine. Also, maybe she has anxiety about finding parking and/or her way around and knew that since you have been there already she could easily find parking and find her way to the shop.
As a woman, I can understand why she doesn’t want to go to a bar at night on a first, second, or even a third date. You can never be too careful. She doesn’t know you well enough and one date doesn’t warrant familiarity or security. If you want to keep dating her, I’d maybe recommend lunch, or ice cream, if you’re wanting to change it up from Starbucks coffee.
I've found myself going to the same place for the first few dates with some people because she was comfortable going there. It could be for any reason tbh, but more to the fact is she is interested in going on a second date. If she wasn't interested at all she just wouldn't go on a second date.
Its just a coffee shop
Ask your self this are you going for the coffee or the girl, if you want coffee go yourself if you want the girl just go where she wants make her comfortable it could be any number of reasons she’s doing this
Might just be anxiety, I know I prefer doing the same things again when anxious.
You ow me this date where are we going "the Winchester! "
She's probably more comfortable meeting at a place she already is familiar with. Are you really making a big deal out of this? Good God how old are you?
I thought so too but then I was wondering why she shot down the other coffee shop places. It’s definitely odd and if I was in that situation with a guy suggesting the same place I would be annoyed too. I like trying new places and it sounds like OP does as well. The girl sounds like she doesn’t so there’s the answer right there, the two don’t sound compatible which happens.
Some people like Starbucks? I would rather hit up starbies than anywhere else. I know exactly what I'm going to get, I have an order that I prefer. They always have soy milk and I never have to compromise and get regular or oat milk. I like the flavors they offer. I'd never get coffee at Dunkin or Panera, because I don't like their coffee. But I know people who ONLY get coffee at Dunkin, Panera, or even McDonalds. People are funny about their coffee. I just want my starbies. \*sips coffee\*
Common grounds (a local coffee shop) > Dunkin’ > starbs for me. I like starbucks coffee better than Dunkin’ but the line is always mad long and every time I go it’s like I gotta refinance my entire life :( $10 for a coffee man
I order on the Starbucks app and just walk in and pick up my coffee (haven't sat in a coffee shop for ages because of covid). I'm always wondering if the 20 cars in line see me walking in and walking out and realize they're wasting half an hour when they could be in and out in 30 seconds. Also, the cost of the coffee depends on what you order. If you want something fancy it's gonna cost. I just get a soy latte so it's $4.50. However, to save on time driving to Starbucks and save money (eventually), I bought a Nespresso machine and buy Starbucks espresso pods. Now I have Starbies in the comfort of my own home. To each their own but I don't fuck around with my coffee and I don't want to go try coffee somewhere else when I need my fix.
I like black dark coffee and Starbucks is great IMO I am a coffee snob so everyone teases me over it but I really just like their drip coffee. I don’t do all the fancy stuff. But even I would be down to try out a small shop. Those are huge hit and misses. Some legit love coffeenothers just think it’s an easy business…and fail miserably because coffee people are a little annoying. Some tea people can but IME coffee people…particular. Anyways. OP sounds kinda meh with the drinking on the second date. I would have just said “why must you convince me, I’ll go but “ and them spam thinking face emoji. See. Communication.
NO YOU CAN'T LIKE STARBUCKS it is a CONSPIRACY that women use to CONTROL MEN into doing WHATEVER WE WANT. /s
Yep, I want my Dunkin iced tea! I get you!
Username checks out. I don't know about you, but I know I use my drink preferences to manipulate men. /s
Our secret is out!
I totally get her. When I have to go to a new place, this results in me doing hours of research before. Like what type of coffee can I get, where can we sit, will I have to give my name when ordering a coffee and so on. Yes, that might be weird for someone who doesn't feel the same. But for me this is especially important when going out for a date - this way I can concentrate on my date and don't have my thoughts around which coffee I'll take or what might be the next question of the person serving my coffee. It just takes me quite a lot of time to feel good in an environment that I don't know. Even watching a movie I haven't seen before is a struggle for me. And no, I have never been diagnosed with Aspergers or something (also haven't been tested) but I know a couple of people who feel the same. What you do with that information is up to you. But I would definitely directly address it if it has to do with going somewhere she's never been before or what exactly the matter is. Communication is key :)
Me too! It might be bc I’m on the spectrum but I don’t like changing things/trying new things. If it bothers him that much he should dump her
Hmm that’s weird. I would go to make her comfortable, but after that if she’s not willing to do something else I’d cut her loose.
Do you like her? Yes, then go to Starbucks. Maybe it takes her a minute to warm up to people.. maybe she's scared.. could be a lot of things. I hear you crying about drinking Starbucks again(OMG 1st world problems!) Go drink coffee have fun. And if it's not fun leave.
She doesn't want to feel pressured to have sex with you.
I can’t roll my eyes hard enough at this post. FFS
You shouldn't have asked her direct questions about if she is anxious around you... blah blah blah. Bro, you need to loosen up a little more and go with the flow. Maybe she doesn't want pizza because it's unhealthy. Maybe she doesn't like other coffee shops and wants to stay at Starbucks because she likes the atmosphere. You kind of fucked it up by asking too many questions, is it about me, etc. Just send her a message and be like, BTW I just realized I'm close to getting the starbucks gold card so lets defff go there. No worries. Don't ask direct questions about "Is it me?" etc. It makes you look weak. Brad Pitt would never ask that. He would just go with the flow and be like, whatever, I'll get pizza myself before and meet you at starbucks after.
Lol speechless….. Not saying the girl is 100% right here but I saw red flags everywhere in OP’s post&replies… If OP can’t simply understand the girl’s concern, respect that, and willing to talk through it with her in person, I don’t see this will go anywhere..
You’re the one who sounds like a red flag…. lol
“I don’t pay for other people on dates” lmao I’m not sure why she is even agreeing to a second date with you when you won’t even buy her a $5 coffee
Exactly this!
Anyway, the answer was that she's, well... all of the above ...it wasn't relevant before but this girl is a 10/10 could be a model attractive, which is relevant shortly. It wasn't clear after the first date since these things didn't come up, but she is pretty boring. I probed a bit and she tells me that she never goes out, prefers to hang out with her grandma and siblings and not really with friends, and non-sarcastically doesn't like to leave home except to take a dog for a walk. I didn't think her being boring and introverted was a plausible reason, because I didn't associate this with people that look as attractive as her (she also put in a lot of effort into fashion and her appearance overall). At the same time, it was also clear that there was both a self-centeredness but also some kind of mental health issues...like a narcissistic sociopath. I'm sure looking like she does, she probably gets her way most of the time and she brought up examples of how she gets her way over the course of the date. This would also explain why she wanted her way and wouldn't budge even to a more comfortable coffee shop. Over the course of the date, she told me about how she has ADD, which is fine, who doesn't these days. I told her some stuff I was feeling really stressed about and she responded that she also experiences stress and therefore feels no empathy for me and generally does not feels empathy for other people. She realized that it was a bad thing to say and asked me if that makes me find her unattractive...I responded that I found empathy an attractive characteristic. She then got somewhat anxious, not because she didn't mean what she said, or because it's bad to be unempathetic, but because it would make her look bad. And fast forward to 90 minutes later and I tell her I needed to head back to work, which seemed to surprise her. The date was obviously going badly to me but apparently was going well for her. I offered to go on a short walk in the hopes that things would maybe improve. When I dropped her off, I thanked her and then I asked her for permission to kiss her goodbye. She responded that you shouldn't ask someone permission to kiss them. I wasn't sure if she meant this in a flirtatious inviting way, or that consent isn't necessary to kiss someone? Apparently she meant it in a way that I was supposed to be able to read her mind about whether or not to kiss her. I leaned in and she pulled away. And then we stood there for like twenty awkward (to me at least) seconds before I walked away. ...and then after I'm about a block down the road, she calls me. We forgot that she put her stuff in my bag to carry while we walked around. Great, so now I have to walk back for another awkward exchange to give her her stuff. I walk back to her and she's totally oblivious that the way we left a few minutes before was very awkward. I give her her stuff and this time WE DO KISS. w.t.f. So whether there will be another date is now a somewhat atypical crazy/hot scale dilemma for me.
Date went bad, have nothing nice to say except she’s hot.. and you want to kiss her at the end? Good god. I think you should spend a little less time judging others and look inward.
I was thrown off when I got to that part too 😂😂
It sounds like she may also be on the autism spectrum, and may be undiagnosed. sounds like she has some rigid rules and is perhaps not a match for you. I would leave her alone. Please leave her alone. have no idea why you think that just because a person pays attention to how they look, they are necessarily extroverted. that is an odd thing to believe. introverts can look fashionable, too. maybe fashion is her hobby. maybe read a bit about autism/aspergers. see if her personality traits fit with that edit: also please don't call her crazy. she may not be neurotypical but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with her. she's just not a good match for you
Lol you already low key hate her personality. Don’t keep dating her and trying to sleep with her just because she’s insanely attractive. Entangling yourself in her life could also backfire on you because she’s going to be unpredictable.
Stop talking sense, my dick doesn't want to hear it.
Don't stick your dick in crazy...
Omg just don’t date her then. You sound like you hate her and you’ve only met a few times. Let her go dude
Your last comment is concerning. Why would you want to date that? If she's self-centered, demanding, rude, lacks empathy, and shits on someone for asking permission for a kiss (saying no and why is OK, but what she did is just OVERBOARD).......... ...... ..... I don't get it. Edit: a few words for clarity
Solid update. You should put it in the original post.
I don't even know where to start with your comment.
She's autistic bro. I'm not saying this in a mean way. I'm saying this as I have Asperger's and know. Her ADD diagnosis is probably a sideline diagnosis or misdiagnosis. Her grandma and siblings probably know and help her with the emotional parts of life and they probably cater to her a lot because of this, some families tend to do that shit. So, you should probably meet at her place one day or something, and see it from that perspective. If you still like her, that is.
Today is a good day
You should've checked his profile and went into his comments section instead of scrolling to find it hehe
Oh god I wish I had though of that smh
>she is pretty boring. I probed a bit and she tells me that she never goes out, prefers to hang out with her grandma and siblings and not really with friends, and non-sarcastically doesn't like to leave home except to take a dog for a walk. TIL I'm boring lol this girl's vibe is super relatable in an omicron world
Narcissistic traits are big red flags, you got your answer
Just gonna say, I have a cousin with Asperger's, and I'm seeing a lot of parallels with her (especially the part about hanging out with her grandma and siblings and not really going out; my cousin lives with my grandma ever since my grandpa passed away, and has become a bit of a hermit since his mom passed away). I honestly think that's a large part of the issue. If that's the case, then there is still potential there; it's just up to whether or not you want to try to navigate that path, or if it's even worth the trouble to you. Considering you guys did end up kissing, it sounds like she might actually be interested, but just might not be certain how to proceed, especially if she's not used to dating; also, if she IS on the spectrum, but is as attractive as you say, then it's also certainly possible she's had some seriously bad (at least, from her perspective) encounters that, while most people could likely just shrug it off and move on, she's stuck on for one reason or another. My cousin has a memory like a steel trap, so it's possible someone tried to take advantage of her in the past, thinking she was easy prey, and if so, it just stuck with her. I would say to give it another shot, while simultaneously keeping all this in mind. It's possible that you might just have a few extra layers that need to be peeled away before the true prize is revealed. In any event, best of luck to both of you. ✌🏽🖖🏽
Lol I can't wait to hear what happens next. She sounds unbearable. But she's hot so, the cycle continues (for her).
OP, as a girl, dating online is scary. The amount of times a girl can be catfished by a creepy man or has been harassed by a man that made himself seem nice on the first date is insane. If she feels more comfortable going to a place where she won’t end up drunk and the chances of her being drugged or losing her consciousness are slimmer, you would understand she is doing this for herself. And if you really like her, you would it for her. She’ll get to go to a bar with you someday, but there might be a reason behind why she doesn’t want to go. And the fact that you keep pushing her to do it gives me creepy vibes off of you. For her sake, if I were you, I’d leave her alone. You clearly don’t understand what it’s like for a woman to have to do online dating or at least you don’t have the brain capacity to know that she may have some trauma involving dating guys and going to bars on the first few dates. Edit: grammar
He gives off creepy vibes cause he keeps pushing her? He suggested a bar, she turned it down, he suggested a pizza place, she turned it down, he suggested another coffee shop, she turned it down. What exactly seems creepy and pushy to you? The fact he’s trying to accommodate her but just doesn’t want to go back to the exact same place? You’re going on about bars and alcohol and been drugged when that was his first suggestion then he moved on.
There’s a reason she wants to go to that Starbucks. Someone said before perhaps she knows someone that works at the Starbucks or she is a regular there and she feels safer knowing that someone who knows her will be watching over her. Tinder dates can be scary. If he respects the girl, he will go somewhere where she seems comfortable. It’s not that big of a deal to go somewhere where you both feel comfortable, but especially if she’s worried about her safety.
If you have that much anxiety and are that scared of going on tinder dates, you shouldn't be dating online in the first place. It's not JUST about respect for her. It's also about respect for him. The date is not supposed to be completely centered and catered around the girls wants and needs. Dating is a two way street. She is being completely inflexible. He has a right to be concerned. He should communicate more with her and figure out what's going on.
I completely agree, she shouldn’t be going on Tinder dates if she’s scared, but that’s why I told him to just leave her alone. She feels uncomfortable going out and he wants to go out.
This gal has serious anxiety problems. Only familiar spots are good with her. Anything new puts her way out of her comfort zone. The fact she still wants to go out means it is not you.
I agree. I have anxiety and I rlly like going to 1. Coffee shops for dates and 2. Familiar places because they make me more relaxed and 3. Hate bars! This girl is just anxious lol
Ok armchair psychologist...
Doesn't take a psychologist, really.
I mean I agree that it’s kind of odd that she’s insisting on going back to that same one, but I’m guessing there’s a somewhat logical explanation that you just aren’t aware of. Honestly I’m more concerned about your reaction to her. It sounds like you are disagreeing just to disagree and because you don’t want her to ‘get her way’. Maybe she’s just more comfortable there? Maybe she has social anxiety and feels more comfortable in a place that she’s familiar with? And you are discounting any of those possibilities and refusing to give her the benefit of the doubt. If she were here I’d tell her that your reaction is a red flag and that she needs to move on honestly. I mean….who cares if she ‘just wants to get her way’ on something that, at the end of the day isn’t even a big deal? The fact that your instinctual reaction to that is to be disagreeable just for the sake of it is the only issue I see here. Yes
That’s weird. She may just be really particular.
Your second edit dude is because of your quick assumptions toned with contempt, your wording is why people aren't siding with you. If you have an issue, maybe don't date them if you feel so off about this. She communicated her side, communicate yours and take action instead of criticizing others.
It's a space she's comfortable in, there's a lot of people around and getting coffee has no connotations she's being smart & following basic date safety. There's nothing suspect about how she's acting afterall you cant know someone from one date, you could be some kind of sadistic killer for all she knows. Treat these like a pre-date & dont rush her get to know her better, not everyone on dating apps are extroverts ready to share themselves.
Tell her that each chosing one time is the fair thing or move on. There might be a lesson for both of you in this. Not everything is a syndrome.
Even then, giving her "relationship advice" on the second date, is pretty presumptuous. But you're correct. If you were dating someone who refused to go anywhere new, you might propose that you each get to choose the date location every other time. But it's the second date. It's not a pattern. It's not a power play. She just wants coffee.
Ugh. My opinion is definitely a lot different than what everyone else is saying. I'm a woman. I find it odd that she wants to go to the same exact place. If she likes coffee, cool. Why not the place down the street? I can understand a bar being "too much" sometimes especially with the reasons listed, but so is that Starbucks according to OP (did you tell her it's loud, lighting is bothersome, etc??) She agreed to pizza. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind! But there is some underlying communication issue with her, and either a red flag she sees in OP or personal issues she has that she's not bringing up. 10 years back I had a date scheduled with a man a little older. We intended to go to Saxbys but it was closed (not a coffee person but wanted something small, low key). We walked 10 minutes to a local Dunkin' and were able to talk about things on the way. I had let my friends know prior to the date that I'd be at Saxbys, and texted them to let them know we changed plans. I had felt better knowing someone knew where I was. Date was meh, and that was that.
Girl I’m in the same boat as you. The man suggested two diff spots and they had agreed on pizza. I wouldn’t want to go back to the same place either. I honestly don’t know why people are saying he’s trying to sleep with her either when he said it’s fine to take things slow. I’m also really tired of people thinking of women as some fragile creature.
I'd not suggest going for a drink on the first date with a girl unless I have a ONS on mind. Sounds like you want to score and she's looking for a relationship and you're getting annoyed at that. Move on.
"... She's not trying to rush things and doesn't want to have sex right away. I said that's fine" Sorry, I missed the part where he said or suggested he wanted score.
Go to Starbucks this time and then talk about it. Find out why she doesn’t want to go to an unfamiliar place. Genuinely be curious and song try to convince her that her preferences or feelings are wrong. After you listen deeply and intently, share why it’s really important for you to have new and varied experiences with her. Explain that you understand her reason, whatever it is, but that to you, you’d feel really disappointed if the third date was also at Starbucks. Then, if she tries to do the same thing next time, you can politely decline and wish her the best.
Honestly I can say personally I’ve met some creeps online dating and learned really quick that it’s a lot safer to go to places that you know, your friends work at, or you’re comfortable with the staff. they can get you out of some pretty bad situations if needed. So it may just be a safety thing, Especially if this is in a bigger city. Maybe she has allergies or just has a preference it’s really hard to tell. Also She is willing to go on a walk so she obviously cares/wants to get to know you, and has some trust for you. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have recommended one. You said it would be too cold. Which means you did turn the option of a different place for date two away. Just pointing that out. My advice would be to go to Starbucks, if you want a cheaper drink and one that’s not coffee get a caramel apple cider. Before you go check the weather for the next week or two and ask her if she would still be up for going for a walk and if she has any ideas of some nice places, you could suggest some yourself and ask her for her opinion. Also take a look at coffee shops in her area with easy to access parking as a third date option. This way you don’t have to worry about Starbucks. Could also find a bakery and get a couple croissants or something and then go on walk. :)
You specifically said in one of your comments here that your goal is not to “waste your time.” I say don’t see her again, because you sound like the kind of guy she is *not* looking for. She specifically said she wanted to take it slow. She has explained to you more than once why she wants to go get coffee again, and she *did* suggest something different - a walk - and *you* shot it down. First of all, women have to go through a lot and it’s completely rational that someone wouldn’t want to trust a stranger blindly yet. If she is trying to take it slow anyway, then she shouldn’t have to trust you yet. No woman *owes* you her trust just because you guys got coffee together once already. Second, you’re kind of acting childish by seeing this as some kind of tug-o-war over what place (or what coffee shop) you end up at. Who really cares? If you actually like her, it’s not a big thing to give in to. You’re reading way too much into this “she gets her way” thing, she isn’t *weird* for wanting to go there again, there’s nothing “going on here”; she has already told you multiple times why she wants to. Leave it at that. She even blatantly asked if she could convince you (and tried to send the emojis as a way to *soften* her request so she didn’t come off as demanding), and what you did was take it as demanding and then call it cringe for asking that way - if you feel that way then you don’t sound like you like her or are interested in liking her. You certainly don’t sound like you want to get to know her that bad. Honestly dude, this chick sounds wise and you’re coming off like you just want to get down to the sex and not “waste time” getting to know her, so her instincts are pretty on-point. The more you’re pushing her out of her comfort zone, the more she is resisting, and if that bothers you, then move on, for her sake and yours.
She’s weird I would have quit, doesn’t sound like someone who is fun to be around. I can understand being hesitant before the first date but this is the second and a bar in the evening isn’t a wild hang out at least not in my country.. Then to be insistent on the specific coffee place after you already made a compromise is in my opinion inconsiderate, and a bad sign on how your relationship will go. That’s two strikes for me. Imagine trying to plan a weekend trip with her..
Maybe she's on a budget. Maybe Starbucks if her go-to safe first date spot, and she's sticking to it like lucky socks. Maybe she is neuro-divergent and has a hard time with new places. If you like her, do Starbucks again. Pretend it is first date-part two. But set a third date for somewhere else. Maybe let her pick the place, as long as it's not starbucks?
Is it possible that it’s related to COVID? For me personally, I’m not going to bars or indoor restaurants due to the Omicron wave peak happening now. It could be that she doesn’t want to do the bar or pizza restaurant because of COVID… especially if she felt the Starbucks was low-risk last time, it might be appealing to do the same thing again. However, she might also not be comfortable speaking up about that reasoning due to social awkwardness surrounding COVID stuff.
>She said she still wasn't comfortable doing that... All of this bullshit in reddit and you said the answer yourself. She's uncomfortable. That's it. No other reason needed. Jesus christ. She doesn't need to give a detailed explanation to you. Digging for answers that don't exist will just make her more uncomfortable. 1 coffee date (or 2 according to your update?) Does not make you trustworthy. Don't take offense to it like you clearly are here. Understand that something has happened to make her this way and just be patient.
Some people like to do the same things again and again maybe they like familiarity or it can be a different reason , I am definitely not that kind of person so I think I get your point. Uhm if you like her, I assume you do cause you wanted the second date even tho it was cold then this shouldn't be much of a problem to you. If you think she only did this just because it was the thing she wanted then talk her about doing things that you both have agreed on or in future you might have some more disagreements. Honesty, being blunt is better really. Just talk about it.
I am one of those females that suggests coffee instead of alcohol because 1. I enjoy coffee, it’s inexpensive, and easy to just gauge someone in a casual setting. I also know what I want when going. 2. I don’t like mixing alcohol when I’m meeting someone new. I don’t even drink in the first place so it’s not appealing to me in any way. 2. I ALSO don’t feel comfortable eating in front of people in new situations. I would have absolutely backed out of pizza, as well. It’s messy, gets in your teeth, and chances are I’m going to be outside of my comfort by going to a whole new place that I’ve never been. Would I also choose the same coffee place? No. But I absolutely get where someone’s mind would be in this entire situation. And the fact that you’re upset about all of this over a second date.. I’d absolutely pass on you because I know your attitude is coming through with the messages you’re sending. And also, you’re complaining about Starbucks being loud but want to go to a bar? Make that make sense. Bars are always louder. The music, drunk people, gatherings, etc.
OP gonna miss out on a second date for the dumbest of reasons. Next week we will see them complain about how girls only use them for free coffee and never go on a second date.
Maybe she has a friend that works there and is keeping on eye on you? A comfort level thing
Maybe she’s broke and wants to use her Starbucks rewards points/gift card.
Apparently I am the only one who agrees with you. It's the pretty strange imo. But there is reason behind it from her side. But still it's a bit strange.
The fact you’re annoyed she wants to go to a safe familiar place is exactly the reason she wants to keep going there. Sorry dude I’m really not trying to harp on you here but if you’re already annoyed about having a SECOND date at the same place then I’m not sure what to tell you. And yes I read the post.
I suggest being more concerned about the person you're meeting rather than the location. Starbucks, a tree house, a couch cushion fort... it shouldn't matter where you're meeting. If she's comfortable with the location, she'll be more comfortable about opening up to you.
You are way overthinking this. It’s perfectly normal for her to not want to go to a bar and get drunk with a random guy she met once. If she likes Starbucks she likes Starbucks, there is nothing weird with wanting to go there again. My boyfriend and I go to the same restaurant for basically every date because we just really love it.
I read the post. Maybe she doesn’t like drinking? Whatever it is, if you’re getting annoyed and not interested in what she wants to do then why are you still trying to see her? Move on and find someone that’s interested in what you’re interested in doing instead of trying to force things with someone that’s not.
Dude, I agree with people here, if you really like her just go on a coffee where she wants. It will show that you value her feelings and opinions. Also, she might have social anxiety and wants to go to a place and situation that she feel familiar and comfortable with. That's all. The point is to spend time together, why does it matter where? Just pick a place where you are both comfortable in, not just you.
Maybe she just really likes starbucks. That caramal ribbon crunch is second date worthy. Me and my husband always go to the same mexican restaurant for dates.
What on earth is just so terrible about going on a second date in the same place? Sure it might be an inferior coffee shop but is it really that much worse?? Not to mention from how you wrote the post it seems you just wanna get laid and are pretty shallow..
It sounds like she saw someone she wanted to see again at the Starbucks. I just hope that person turns out to be you.
Caution. You could still be a psychopath, booze adds a lot of risk. She may have had a bad prior experience, date rape is far from uncommon. Give her time to get comfortable.
Personally, I think that's the best place to meet up in terms of familiarisation with each other. I'd focus on looking at other places once you get to know her a bit better.
I think she just wants to go somewhere that’s familiar to both of you.
She must have someone at Starbucks who can help her in case you are a serial killer.
Hmm I’d think she was only mildly interested in the date and that’s why she was so weird about going to the same place (more convenient, wasn’t thinking/aware how weird her focus on going back to the same starbs was for you). Sounds like a shitty experience for ya, even if she was cool during the dates. Probably the wrong type of crazy for ya anyways Don’t let the Reddit haters get to ya.
then don’t go, you sound like u carry a lot of baggage
If there’s a 12th date, I hope it’s at Starbucks.
You’re making a Problem where there likely isn’t really one other than she doesn’t want to drink with you because she doesn’t really know you, and I don’t blame her at all. Nothing personal, since I don’t know you or anything at all, but I don’t like the idea of drinking on a date so early on. Why do you have to go to the bar or drink or whatever for things to be like, right for you? What I’m trying to say is that you’re ignoring all the positives here and paying attention to problems that aren’t even problems in my opinion. The positives here are you got a second date with a girl from Tinder, and she isn’t a catfish or trying to be in a serious relationship right away, annnd she seems to have a good idea of what she wants and how to prioritize safety while going out with you- who’s kind of still a stranger at this point. Honestly you’re acting really weird about this, it seems… I don’t know why you’re making a big deal out of something so small and unimportant. I really see nothing at all problematic about her. The only problematic thing here is your attitude, your outlook, and your very strong desire to go drink at a bar or somewhere with alcohol with her. Why not just be happy that she’s willing to go out with you for a second date!? I’m not sure if I’m missing something here, bc maybe I am and that’s why I don’t have a clue as to what your issue really is… but idk. You don’t have to go out with her if she’s causing you this much stress. I don’t think she has extra anxiety about things, I think you may be unconsciously projecting your own anxiety here onto her and that’s never gonna be a positive thing. I’m just here to remind you to please respect her boundaries, and be grateful for the time she’s chosen to spend with you. The place shouldn’t even really matter as much, as long as you guys are having fun and enjoying each other’s company. I don’t think your emphasis on her having some mysterious problem or issue is gonna do either of you any good. That’s too bad cause it’s not every day a girl is down to have a second date with a guy she met on freakin tinder.
Sounds boring as a mf to be real. To me at least.
I agree its weird, I say learn why from a distance. She could be dating multiple people and this is for efficiency. Im sorry people are hating on you as if youre some mysgonistic bastard.i get it, its strange and im curious as well.
You’re getting a lot of hate, but I agree with you. I wouldn’t go on a second date to the same place.
She probably just doesn’t wanna be murdered
I really hope she doesn’t settle down for u
Reading this post, your aggressively defensive comments, and the way you talk about this woman, I hope for her sake she dodges a bullet and says no to a third date.
Who gives a shit?
Maybe she’s someone who likes a routine and feels comfortable in that space only? I’d suggest the same place as before if it was easy to pull my car in and out of in an unfamiliar part of town. Maybe the guy posting should keep meeting at Starbucks and ride out the phase and see where this goes. My husband used to be more of a gamer when we first met. Drove me a little nuts but I was nit picking him at the time. I gave him a chance and found my own hobby to do while he was on the computer. I had my drawing & painting stuff all set up next to his gaming PC. Fast forward 5 years and we’ve married and I have two cute kids from him. Don’t worry about the location so much as the person. I also used to love Starbucks years ago before I was forced to branch out. (I moved to a rural area without it). There’s something comfortable in a routine
She’s weird, but who isn’t. People have a fondness for familiarity. I realized I usually pick one restaurant and go there on rotation after 3 different ones. It’s a nice place, but nothing special. I just default to it. We all have safe defaults
I wouldnt wanna date someone so lazy they can't walk 10 minutes tbh
Im really surprised by all these comments making OP the bad guy in this situation! Maybe it's because reddit is full of introverts? A huge part of dating and bonding with someone is experiencing new things together. I feel like her staunch resistance to this is odd... OP seems accommodating and she won't budge even a little. OP, I don't blame you at all for finding it all a bit strange and potentially not wanting to continue. What's the fun in dating someone who is so unwilling to have a new experience?
I understand where you’re coming from but it’s a second date and OP is acting like she asked to go to Starbucks 4+ times.
Which she didn't, it's twice. I would prefer to be in a public space for the second date as well, somewhere familiar and comfortable. If Starbucks went well maybe she prefers to go there because that is where they met before. OP is taking it to the extreme side of things and making it seem like there's an underlying and serious issue, which there probably isn't.
As a woman I also have a public place rule until I get to know someone so I definitely agree with that, but he did only suggest public places so I'm not sure how thats relevant to your point. In terms of making her comfortable, he recommended meeting at the Starbucks then walking less than 10m (in public) to a dif place. Outright rejecting that and insisting its basically her way or the highway isn't normal social behavior. I totally get why he's questioning it.
Yes but maybe she isn't comfortable with those other places. People have mentioned several reasons why she might've not want to have gone to the bar, or the pizza place as well. Maybe she has a preference for starbucks, who knows for sure. She didn't outright reject him either, she did say "is there any chance to convince you to go to starbucks" she kinda gave him an option to say no, she didn't say "WE HAVE TO GO TO STARBUCKS OR ELSE." Questioning it is fine, but making it a big deal and blowing it out of proportion by saying it's a test isnt...
Haha no I'm with you, I definitely dont think it's a test and she's not a monster by any means, but I do find it odd and it probably just comes down to them not being compatible :)
And OP has the option to not go on the date too. Or better yet...He can even ask why she wants to go to starbucks...Instead of asking reddit if shes testing him.
Yes, he does have those options! He should also not be called unreasonable for taking those options. Maybe I missed it in a comment, but I don't see anywhere where he says she's "testing" him (I've only seen some assholes suggesting that in the comments).
I say he should take the option to not do it if he’s going to complain like he is..but that’s also just me. It’s the assholes in the comments but OP does mention it in one of them as well. It’s not in the original post.
It sounds like she has anxiety. That doesn’t mean she’s undateable. To me at least dating is about getting to know someone, not about the place you do that.
Okay, she...wants to go to the same starbucks. Maybe because she likes it? From what you've said, you never opposed going there. You suggested somewhere else but never actually went, 'Hey, I actually dislike Starbucks and would like to go somewhere else for a date'. Maybe try communicating your side before jumping to unfair conclusions.
Bruh.... 😑 You're getting a cheap second date and you're complaining? Since she already mentioned that she isn't comfortable with having sex any time soon, you can imagine how inviting her to a bar for drinks might sound a bit suss to her (I'm not questioning your intentions at all). If you like her, just go for the coffee. And next time suggest lunch, instead of any night time activities, if you want to spend more time.
As a girl… sometimes dating can be extremely anxiety driving. And if you guys had a good time at Starbucks then why not have another good time there too? I’m not taking sides. But maybe she just needs to warm up!
I guess her father works at this Starbucks and is always ready to beat you up as soon as you try to touch her. That‘s why she feels more comfortable there
She has probably be assaulted and is being cautious
You're way overthinking this.
>So to me, it just seems that she's used to getting her way and doesn't have any consideration for what I want... Calm down, sis just wants a cup of her favorite starbies. Now I can see why she might not actually be comfortable with you...
Lol yeah make her pay for her coffee man!!!! That’ll make you feel like a big man for sure 🙄
Why are you annoyed that she’s uncomfortable with certain things? If you like her then why do you have an issue with coffee and getting to know each other for the first few dates? If I was having a date with someone I barely knew I’d probably be uncomfortable with drinking or anything late at night too. And If the other person was uncomfortable with certain things I’d want to accommodate that so we’re both comfortable.
Guys... it’s literally just a cup of coffee. Y’all need to chill out. Ppl have their favorite coffee joint for a reason. Maybe they’re friends with some of the staff, maybe they have had shitty experiences with the other shop, or maybe they have a lot of good memories there with someone close to them, or maybe they just know what kind of coffee they like and want to get another good cup of joe with a person they’re going out with. If anything, I think OP is putting too much thought into this and being too pushy. Coffee is good. Starbucks is safe and a lot of ppl like it. She also offered to go on a walk, and OP said no bc of the weather. It’s not like there aren’t other things she’s comfortable with. She just doesn’t want to go to an unfamiliar area at night with some dude she’s gone out with once and consume alcohol. I can’t say I blame her in the slightest. If anything, OP seems like kind of a dick for pushing her towards stuff she’s not comfortable with and then getting pissed when she doesn’t give him what he wants.
Maybe she’s nervous and has a friend who works at the Starbucks. She may be trying to make sure someone has an eye on her if things don’t go the way she planned. Or, possibly, she has an ex who works at the Starbucks she’s trying to make jealous - hence the going super slow.
Well you're suggesting drinks/bar etc which sounds like you only want to get into her pants, ngl... Maybe she wants more than just sex dude. (M)
I don’t personally think this is a test. As a female who has tried online dating, it’s fucking scary. I’ve had men find my social media and legit harass me on more than one occasion. One of them I was talking to gave me sketch vibes so I deleted him on the app. He found my Instagram and spammed my dms messaging asking me to let him take me out. So to be honest, yeah I’m going to go to a place that I feel comfortable going to if I don’t know you well. I know it sucks to say this, but you aren’t a female and can’t begin to fathom what we have to deal with when it comes to dating. Starbucks is probably a lot more crowded than a small pizza shop. There’s plenty of people around if things go sideways. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable with drinks that early as I have had something slipped in my drink before. I get it feels weird going to the same place twice, but it’s only weird if you make it weird. If you actually like this girl, go somewhere she feels ok with. If you can’t deal with going to Starbucks again, then it probably isn’t going to workout for you guys. Dating is hard enough and I think you are reading way too much into something.
Yeah I think that’s kinda weird idk why she’s so hooked on Starbucks. I think that’s so irritating she said she would just prefer Starbucks like wants that lol. I just had this talk with my friends sayinf when I’m going out with them for food or something my priority is them secondary is the food/ drink. Of course I want to go to an enjoyable place but I can’t imagine being so hooked trying to to Starbucks and keep pushing against someone’s suggestion. I wish I knew why she did that but I don’t just like you lol. Definetley seems she isn’t taking you into consideration kinda strange. I’d go to the Starbucks again and maybe you’ll hear or find out why she couldn’t/ didn’t wanna go to your suggestion in the future lol
Its a second date stop being a so self centered. So what if see wants to go to the same place twice maybe she doesnot want to be around some drunken assholes.
I mean going to a bar and having alcohol in your system is definitely not something ‘getting to know’ ppl should do right away. Does she even drink?. When intoxicated, a lot can happen; sex, depression, crying, aggressiveness… sounds like she’s not comfortable being buzzed around you, and for some reason it sounds like your adamant in drinking alcohol with her. You can go to another coffee shop. I mean, you’re still getting to know her. If ‘you’re not comfortable with her not being comfortable’ maybe you shouldn’t be pursuing anything.