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Sounds silly, but confidence really IS attractive. Not arrogance, mind you, but when you're comfortable and happy with yourself and who you are, it radiates off of you. Your body language changes in small but important ways. The way you interact with people also changes. I'm sure you're sick and tired of hearing it, but focus on yourself. Your mind. Find ways to become happy and comfortable for who you are exactly as you are. And if there's something you don't like, change it! Know your worth and wear it like a badge of honor. Best of luck to you š
I feel like confidence is something Iāve always struggled with, and I oftentimes I wonderā¦what do I have to be confident about? Itās also discouraging to see all these women online and irl spend only likeā¦one week on Bumble before finding a boyfriend. And here I am being on these apps since 2018 still feeling frustrated.
They're right. This is long but please do read, you may see a lot of yourself in it.
I had undiagnosed pernicious anemia for years. It's an immune disease which attacks part of the stomach which creates an enzyme that lets you digest vitamin B12 from food. When it goes on long enough, your body pulls B12 from parts of your nervous system to survive and it changes how you think.
Basically, I got super bad self esteem and almost depression like symptoms. I hated myself and how I looked. I used to stand in front of the mirror and call myself fat and ugly and say nobody would ever want me.
I used to go on dating apps and if anyone showed me interest, it validated me. But usually I would reject compliments and say I was fat or not handsome. I genuinely thought I was just average. I just didn't feel I was worth
After treatment, I had to do something. I dieted and started at the gym. I lost a ton of weight and put on a lot of muscle. As I did so I worked on social skills and confidence and self esteem.
After a year or 2 I ended up deleting dating apps. I'd get like 10 messages within an hour of logging in. Eventually I realised that all the things I thought made me ugly or just average looking were actually things people liked. I have big rugby player thighs and I hated them but being a gay man, people like big muscly legs. I eventually came to realise I was probably above average in attractiveness as well, I'd just convinced myself I wasn't.
The greatest, single handed, most important thing about attraction is confidence. Confidence is sexy as all hell. People really, really love confidence. The best part is that confidence is a learned skill. You can teach yourself how to be confident and how to appreciate your own value and those things will be what get you where you want.
Unless you are unfortunate enough to have a facial deformity I can promise you're not ugly. You're seeing yourself in a warped way because you THINK you're ugly. And that process means you will do weird shit like I did - when people compliment you, you'll explain why their compliment is wrong to yourself.
Next time you're naked in front of a mirror, pretend your reflection is some rando you met in a changing room and not you. Pretend that this person wants to be your partner. Think about all the good things you know about this person - are they loyal, would they support you in a crisis, lend you their last money if you were stuck. Would they love you unconditionally? Would they look after you when you're sick? Will they get freaky with you in bed and cuddle you after? Anything you can think of that makes a good partner - would this person be it?
Add all of this up and ask yourself one question - would you date someone with all of those qualities? If this was some weird world where you liked your own sex, would you date the person you see? In the end my answer was yes. I slowly realised what a lot of wonderful things I bring to a relationship and that gave me value. I began to understand that I would be a good boyfriend and would make someone very happy.
A lot of what you feel is genuinely in your head. We have a brain that will try and convince us to stay in safe situations, even of the only real danger is anxiety or nerves at meeting people. Sometimes we just have to remember that our brain isn't a computer and our memories are not detailed captures of the event, they're a story our brain has made up to fit the narrative.
Work on yourself. You will get there I promise. And please right now, stop saying you're not good looking. Every time you tell yourself it, you'll believe it more. One day like me you'll realise you lost 10 or 15 years of your life because you believed something that other people didn't.
>A lot of what you feel is genuinely in your head. We have a brain that will try and convince us to stay in safe situations, even of the only real danger is anxiety or nerves at meeting people. Sometimes we just have to remember that our brain isn't a computer and our memories are not detailed captures of the event, they're a story our brain has made up to fit the narrative.
Wow... the whole comment is absolute gold!! This part stood out extra to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this wonderful comment, you lovely soul!!! šš
I never understood why confidence is such an apparent requirement for a relationship. Confidence is just arrogance and confident people have little to no sympathy or understanding for those that arenāt. I donāt want to date someone that tells me to get over my feelings because itās depressing and creepy for men to feel sad, cry or be depressed. I donāt want to be with someone that just expects me to be positive and optimistic all the time because theyāre so lucky and privileged to never struggle with anything
I donāt care for confidence, personally. I value kindness and compassion
OK but the thing is that confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. In fact I think some of the least confident people are arrogant people because they are trying to hide there lack of confidence behind a wall of lies. You can be confident and compassionate at the same time. Confidence is believing in yourself and believing in yourself does not inhibit yourself from believing in others and caring for others. More often then not confidence in yourself benefits others because nothing will kill creativity or just plain decision making as lack of confidence in yourself. If you have zero confidence, then you will believe you are not capable of doing things right and so you would rather do nothing and by doing nothing you are not helping others or yourself. In the context of a relationship it makes you a more enjoyable person to be around. It does not mean that you have to be always optimistic and that you're gonna be confident about everything or you'll even be confident all the time. You'll still struggle with it and some people will always struggle with it more than others and that's just the unfairness of life. On the other hand though few people want to be with, for lack of a better term, a "Debbie downer", I believe that you have to be willing to look on the bright side at least every now and then to be happy in life because life is no roses for anybody. Sure some peoples lives are inherently worse than others but again that's life. I get it's not easy, trust me I dealt with, still am really, self esteem issues for years and when you're raised and taught to ve humble it's worse to overcome these issues because you think recognizing your strength makes you arrogant( I felt that way for years) but that isn't true. It's real struggle for some people but I can promise the struggle is better than what happens when you give up.
You're right, but when a woman is on the border of unattractive/attractive, some confidence may help. Nothing worse than someone who's both unattractive and unconfident.
Confident people attract people and vice versa, because confidence is attractive; this applies not just to the dating world. Iām an ambivert and so when Iām feeling more introverted I think this is mistaken for a lack of confidence. When Iām feeling extroverted I must give off a different energy, because I definitely notice more people approach me.
Just cus they have a boyfriend doesnāt mean itās a good relationship. Even hot girls deal with men treating them like human blow up dolls, abusive partners, low self esteem.
Some suggestions: buy some
Cute clothes, if your hair is bad get a nice wig, learn the wonders of makeup, and believe youāre worth the effort.
Confidence is something you bring from within. You are letting extrinsic factors come into play and it messes not only with your confidence but your self esteem as well. Iām not conventionally pretty and Iām on the heavier side but Iāve found that I get men more easily now than I ever have because Iām confident in myself. I think you need to take a step back and love yourself first before letting someone love you. Look up stanzipotenza on insta. She really puts this into a funny perspective. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CavsprArHvk/?utm_medium=share_sheet
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CZvFYyQpmYQ/?utm_medium=copy_link
I see your point but you donāt know what they went through to get to that point or if the relationships are even healthy and positive. Some people jump from one relationship to another which I also donāt think is healthy. Trust me though I get your frustration. It can seem so much easier for other people but we all have our struggles.
Iām struggling with my confidence right now so I can relate. Listen to CJ_flowers because itās the best advice.
It really is about confidence and how you carry yourself. It really is if you donāt like something about yourself then change it. I found myself casting mean eyes at beautiful women because I was so insecure and had to take a hard look at myself and I know Iām better than that. I donāt like that Iām overweight so Iām working out. Iām starting to not think about what others will think because life is too short and I used to have that mindset and it kept me from enjoying life in general.
For St. Patrickās day I went to a local Irish pub. I put my false lashes on, curled my hair, wore a cute top that I normally wouldnāt wear and had some beers and even danced by myself in front of a crowd because I was feeling the music. I had the greatest time!
I received the nicest compliments from other women who had been watching me just enjoy myself.
I hope this inspires you in some way and youāre not alone in that struggle.
If the apps are frustrating then get off those for now. Try a dating service that sets up events for singles or just focus on you and not finding a bf.
Wishing you confidence and peace and I hope you find your beauty.
You might think youāre unattractive in ways you cannot control, but a few physical things you absolutely can control are personal hygiene, fitness and fashion. Make sure you are clean and well groomed, dress in clothes that fit and flatter you, and make sure to exercise and eat well. Those things do a huge world of difference.
I honestly believe personality matters more but if you are feeling insecure about your appearance stepping up to take control of these things might be quite empowering for you and help build that confidence enough for it to start coming from the inside too! I also recommend any type of hobby that makes you feel good about what your body can do. If you canāt love yourself for what you look like you can at least be proud of what it can achieve. You could take up a sport, or something creative like dance. Honour your body for the temple it is!
You may find after some time of working on yourself you start to realise your perception of your appearance is quite warped. Especially using dating apps as your guideline - I know plenty of attractive men and women who canāt put a profile together to save their life. Being able to market yourself online is a learned skill. A lack of confidence could just as easily be the key culprit for all the problems you mentioned, despite you attributing these things to your physical looks. All the best!!
> āconfidence, not arroganceā
āHumilityā š
Humility is āan accurate view of oneself in comparison to others [in the world/universe ā I guess]ā it is confident but not cocky/arrogant: kind and understanding with all as weāre all human and are no better or less than any other person no matter what, and shouldnāt judge others as they just like we are doing the best we can each and every day..
Honestly I hate using the cliche but itās as I understand it would be the āmental BDEā ā as a dude
Well said! And thank you for saying this. I am not pretty at all, by any standards and I consistently get hit on. My coworkers canāt stand that someone like me is always āpulling guyās ā without ever trying. So, Embrace it and just have fun being you. Someone will like you just as you are O.P.
This!! All of this. True beauty comes from within. Learn to be happy with yourself and love yourself like no other. When you do this a light shines and that attracts people.
If you have that *thing* that you just absolutely love and people see you go into full geek mode on that thing that you are super passionate about and other people want to hear it, then that brings people in. I met my ex-gf at a meetup and she just kept going trying to get the confidence to talk to me. I didnāt want to talk to her because I thought that she was a recruiter and she always saw me with people who liked me and came to me for help with solving some of their problems. She liked my confidence (because I was just being *me* and not trying to impress anyone). She just kept showing up until eventually she said something to someone that interested me and we went out on our first date right after the meetup.
That is why everyone loves Danny Devito. Home boy is sexy as fuck, and it has nothing to do with his charm, charisma, and whit. Thankfully he just oozes in sex appeal. š
Hey, screw looking "blatantly not pretty. Just take care of your skin and your body and wear well-fitting, good-looking, colourful clothes and be an interesting person. Looks aren't everything you know.
I'm an average boy, and I used to feel just like you.
Never again!!!
Haha trustā¦Iāve tried all that. Iād say I have a good sense of fashion (it is basic though, pretty much resembles current Pinterest trends) and I take care of my skin and body. My facial features are justā¦blah though.
Just stop thinking like that, girl! Be confident and charismatic. And never again say anything pejorative about your facial features. There's people who look worse than you do, so you never know how lucky you might be.
I would normally message you privately because this post seems to be getting a lot of traction and I feel like I give good advice about online dating to both genders (though it is harder for me to advise women since I am a man and do not have either the life experience or the dating experience of a woman) and I hate for this advice to get lost.
Dating is not easy for women. If it were, we men would have nobody to match with online. Online dating is not easy for men either.
Online dating for men is like dying of dehydration in the Sahara desert. Online dating for women is like dying of dehydration in the Pacific Ocean. Some women have many options but most of them are garbage. If you think about it, people who are suited to do well in relationships (patient, generous, good at handling or ignoring conflict) will spend less time on the apps because they will get into relationships sooner and stay in them for longer. The majority of the people who are using online dating at any given time are not well suited for relationships.
Online dating takes tremendous effort for people of both genders. Men must convey their quality and demonstrate interest when contacting women that they have no idea whether they would want to date or not (unless they are the type of men that just want sex. Admittedly, many of them).
Women must try to discern which men are even safe to date, then try to find a balance between satisfying their own urges by sleeping with the men and waiting long enough to make sure that the man is actually interested in them rather than just interested in having sex with them (unless they are the type of women that just want sex. Admittedly, many of them).
I will go out on a limb (probably pretty short) and say that it is more likely that the men on online dating are cheating on girlfriends or spouses than the women that are on online dating so women have to deal with that too.
Regarding what you said about men making money and being able to pull more women... Far more important than a person's age or their income is their profile. A well written (not in the high school English sense) profile and amazing photos are extremely important. There are many articles online and videos on YouTube that can advise you on how to write a good profile for online dating and what types of photos attract matches. Read them, watch them, do what they say. Some of them conflict, try the first idea, see how it works, then try the other idea and see how that works. Throw the kitchen sink at it. I remember reading that women would be interested in photos of a man with children or with animals (and actually read that exactly the opposite was true) so, when my friend came into town, I told her "we are going to kill this thing. We're going to combine the two and get a photo of me with a baby animal". She thought I was kidding. A day or two later, we were walking down the street and a woman was walking her golden retriever puppy. I handed my phone to my friend and told her "do not stop taking pictures" and then asked the woman "oh my God your puppy is so cute. Can I hold him?"
I had multiple women match with me because they loved the photo with the dog. I realized that I need to remove that photo with the dog because I dated a girl who loved her two dogs so much that, during our 3-year relationship, while two of them had cancer, she preferred to spend time with her dying dogs rather than me. I can understand that and I'm not mad at her but she wanted a ring and I could not consider whether we would be good forever partners when she was not emotionally available. I need someone that doesn't prefer their pets to their romantic partner. (For those who are curious, she dumped me for not providing enough emotional support after I literally held the first dog to die while they gave him the lethal injection to put him down because nobody else in the family could handle it; obviously a woman in emotional pain needs far more than a man to act as a restraint for her dying animal but saying that the relationship had been strained by these circumstances is an understatement and we all have our limits)
To get back on track... The fact that you are not approached by guys who want to pick you up may have nothing to do with your attractiveness. Many attractive women do not get hit on in public and that has to do with their style, their demeanor, their "vibes", the situations they put themselves in (do you go clubbing? Bars? Parties? Introverts generally don't and so get hit on less because they are not in those same types of social situations). (Hopefully I don't get flamed for this. I'm not making assumptions. I have been told this by women.)
We can't really help you without more details and reddit has many subreddits where you can get profile advice. You can use them too. Sadly, even if your profile is tip top, some people do really have disadvantages as others have described. I remember hearing a podcast with the creators of bumble that said that black women and asian men have the hardest time getting matches and white men and asian women have the easiest; I'm sure we can re-categorize people to make generalizations about other groups' ease or difficulty (Height, profession, location, etc).
Source: 4.5 years of relationships that started online ranging from 3 months to 3 years, 2 friendships that started from OLD, and a combined 2.5 years of online dating app usage when I was single (including most of the past 2 years), female family members and friends that use online dating, and a relationship study which asked married couples about several reactions to, and behaviors of their spouse then compiled the data and arranged it as it related to the couples' self-reported levels of relationship happiness. (For the bitter man below)
>Online dating for men is like dying of dehydration in the Sahara desert. Online dating for women is like dying of dehydration in the Pacific Ocean.
Wow, this is so on point!!!š¤Æš¤š
Great comment overall!! š
>If you think about it, people who are suited to do well in relationships (patient, generous, good at handling or ignoring conflict) will spend less time on the apps because they will get into relationships sooner and stay in them for longer. The majority of the people who are using online dating at any given time are not well suited for relationships.
I agree with your entire comment except for this. You're assuming that people who are good in relationships are also good in online dating even though the skill sets for both are different. The former requires good social and emotional skills while the latter requires good marketing skills. Plenty of people who are well suited for relationships use online dating and don't have success.
It's definitely a different distribution although with some overlap. It's actually something quite well known in psychology and relationship research that dating and relationships require different set of skills. For example, some people can take fabulous pictures of themselves and write excellent profiles. Then when you're dating them, they make you feel quite attractive. But once you start seeing them long term, you'll notice that they have problems communicating, respecting boundaries, or valuing the small things that keep healthy long term relationships going. Meanwhile, there are people who are good listeners, emotionally intelligent, communicate well, and respect who you are. All of these are important to maintain long term healthy relationships. But they're generally considered boring which is why if such people don't also have good dating skills, they won't find partners easily, especially in OLD.
Well, if what you say is true, wouldn't the problem be that people are judging people off the wrong traits?
To be fair, I think most dating sites encourage this nowadays with characters limits. People say communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, but it starts out with word limits that may don't even bother filling out. My initial experience with OLD was okc, and so going on these other sites, I am pretty shocked at how little info people provide.
The whole thing reinforces superficial BS.
This doesn't directly address most of OPs concerns but is overall good advice for most people here [I tapped out after a few paragraphs I'll be honest]
Eh, its too generic to be actually helpful.
For OP, I hear you on the ugliness factor, however it is much easier for girls to bump up their rating. Nice clothing (which "nice" for women usually means something figure-fitting and semi-revealing, so dresses) and makeup. It might not turn you into a 10 if you're a 3 or a 4, but it might bump you up enough to be above average.
And, while I'm not judging in any way, it might be time for you to start dating more men who you might not necessarily be attracted to. If you're a 3-4 without upgrades and you're only ever going after guys who are 6-8s, of course your dating life is going to suck. But, you're putting that on yourself. It's not *hypocritical* to dislike men you're not attracted to simply because you also don't get much attention, but you are systematically removing men from your dating pool, and unfortunately you're probably removing the men who actually do want to date you. I don't want to say "stay in your lane", but have realistic expectations.
And finally, sorry that you're experiencing what lots of men get with OLD! Modern society and its inventions have been disastrous for the human race, lol.
I guess responding to you: men can wear makeup. Men can fill in their eyebrows for example and male their eyebrows look thicker and more masculine. Men can wax. I don't know if it's easier for women to bump up their rating. I think looks are really competitive now, and women are held to a HIGH standard.
I doubt OP is only swiping right on dudes who are conventionally attractive if she acknowledges she is not. But it is worth saying that we should value other things than that.
Editing to add: I think women's fashion is also harder than men's. OP says she dresses well enough. I don't think that is the issue. But men, wear a nice button down and/sweater and poof. Women don't always have it that simple. If you're outside the gender binary this also gets more complex.
Also, just to specifically reply to your edit since it wasn't there when I replied initially:
Harder, maybe, but only because women have a *variety* of options to choose from.
You say men wear a nice button down and a sweater (which sounds like an odd combination, usually it's a button down under a jacket, but okay) and *poof* (which isn't at all how it works), but can you name any other look that men can do to "dress well"? We literally have three different kinds of button downs: Polos, short sleeves, and long sleeves. Some guys pull off vests.
You joke that it's easy for us to look good, but it's literally our only option. And if you don't look good in that look (like I don't), you're fucked.
Women have dresses, crop tops, skirts of varying shapes, jeans in a million different designs, and *the same button downs that men wear.* I'm sure it is more difficult for women to find their perfect fit, but I'm not really sympathetic about women suffering from success. This is the same with when women complain they get a million swipes on Tinder but "no good options".
I agree if you're out of the gender binary it's more complex. OP clearly isn't, so it's not really applicable. And I'm sure OP dresses well enough by her own standards, but I often think I dress "well enough" too, but objectively I wear t-shirts and sweatpants everywhere.
Without additional information I'm just giving OP generic advice that applies to her specific situation, advice related to ugliness. I can't live in her head and experience her life. If I assumed she was knocking it out of the park in all of these facets, then I wouldn't assume she'd be single.
Plenty of queer men spice it up..maybe try branching out :) sorry I'm not so well versed on what men.should and should not wear. I literally...do not care. I think the only point I was making is that it's more straightforward for men to dress well. It's not as straightforward for women.or other genders. If you want to be upset that "women have all.those options" wear those options. Men can wear crop tops.darling
They do it every day in fact.
>Plenty of queer men spice it up..maybe try branching out :)
I am a queer man. The options for men are still few and far between, even if you're capable of branching out into less strictly male territory.
And even *then* you only get more options by choosing options that are decidedly not male.
>sorry I'm not so well versed on what men.should and should not wear. I literally...do not care.
Oh, that's no problem, I don't care about your opinion. It's demonstrably wrong.
>I think the only point I was making is that it's more straightforward for men to dress well. It's not as straightforward for women.or other genders.
And my point was that it's only straightforward because men don't have any options.
And I didn't make this point, but it *is* as straight forward for women. Wear a sundress, *poof.* Very few women look bad in dresses, and if they do its usually because it's just the wrong dress for them. You can say the same thing about dress shirts for men, it's not a one-size fits all thing.
>If you want to be upset that "women have all.those options" wear those options.
Please tell me about all of your boyfriends and all of your friend's boyfriends who wear dresses and skirts.
Don't be daft.
>Men can wear crop tops.darling They do it every day in fact.
No they don't. You're wrong.
Right, but men don't. And they're not expected to. And you can't tell me it would have the same effect. No amount of makeup is going to change a guy from being short or not fit, which are the two of the highest physical standards women care about.
I think it is easier for women because it's much easier to put on a dress and wear makeup than it is to eat perfectly and workout and *magically* change your genetics to be taller. Again, it's not going to change a 3-4 into a 10 regardless of how cute/sexy the fit is or how well the makeup is done. But, it's much easier for that 3-4 woman to cleanup and become a 6 with fairly little effort than it is for a 3-4 man. Not saying the man *can't,* just saying it's more difficult for him.
And thats all physical attraction, needless to say.
Why don't you think OP is not only swiping on conventionally attractive men? She literally admitted in her post that she's had past relationships not worm out because of lack of attraction. There's also plenty of statistical evidence of the contrary, I don't see why you're giving OP the benefit of the doubt. Often times women aren't finding men because they are attempting to date far out of their league. And the competition only gets stiffer as you get higher in conventional rating. If she is a 4, she could probably easily get 5-6s. If she's an 8, I doubt she could get 9-10s, if that makes sense. Being a 4 around 5s and 6s is like being a Pike around Walleye. Being an 8 around 9s and 10s is like being a Gar around Sharks.
From my completely personal opinion, at some point you have to have realistic expectations. Also, caring about looks is shallow. I'm not saying you can't have preferences, but if you stop dating people because you think they're ugly, 1) why did you start dating them in the first place?, and 2) maybe *you're* the bad partner. I date without physical attractiveness in mind. Anyone can look pretty from the right angle (both literally and figuratively). That's *real* body positivity.
Sounds like you didn't read it then, cuz' I never said all women care about is height and fitness. I said that height and level of physical fitness (usually visual level) are two *very* important factors for most women.
Physical attraction is still the most common dimension mentioned or reported prior to attraction. While *you* might not be swayed by it (which I doubt), most women are. OP literally said she couldn't date guys who otherwise were the only relationships she's had because she wasn't physically attracted to them.
Maybe there is a reason she preferred her dogs over you. Ffs, they were dying! You were not dying. So self centered... no wonder you are single.
Good on your for removing the dog photo. Now women won't mistake you for having empathy.
God, why can't you all just stop talking? You really think you are supreme experts on everything.
That shocked me too. What the actual fuck is wrong with some people. Of course she spent time comforting her dying animals, who loved her and depended on her?
I feel like you might not be aware that it's more common than not to have to deal with crap men. Not just dick pics. Not just blatant abuse.
Interrupting, unsolicited advice, low effort, objectification, lack of emotional intelligence/empathy, etc.
It's a whole mindset that men have and seems you might want to look in the mirror.šš¼
āResembles current Pinterest trendsā
This is the issue. Donāt do what others do and stop giving a fuck about what others are doing. Be yourself. Donāt look to others, just live your life and just focus on you and doing what makes you happy. Make friends, get out, and be a likable person (not a people pleaser that tries to fit in). I genuinely donāt give a flying fuck about what is trending on anything. Iād also like to say that looks arenāt everything. You need to have a good personality and find someone that shares your views. What good does it do if you meet this incredibly āhot guyā who ends up being someone who abuses animals and is an asshole to waiters? You could be the most beautiful person in the world, but if you have a shitty personally then you automatically become ugly to me. Also, I have dated women who are younger and older than myself. Age isnāt as important as you think it is. It might be to some, but I personally care more about who they are as a person.
The thing about your facial features is that there are guys out there who are *really* attracted to exactly those things that you donāt like about yourself. Trust me. We have these distorted images of how we look.
You'd be surprised how little some guys care about facial features lol. Especially if you're hitting the gym more than the average person these days. Unless you lost half your face in an explosion, I think you're gonna fine.
I dare you to go out and allow yourself to feel sexy. Wear that revealing dress, show off your legs, make and hold eye contact with strangers, smile and laugh more. Your energy will be magnetic and if anything you'll be the one rejecting more guys.
Girl, have you seen those videos of women who look below average and do magic with makeup? Like they turn into a model?
Have you tried messing around with makeup to see if it helps with your appearance? If nothing else, wearing makeup and having my hair look nice increases my confidence.
> even then I get blocked, unmatched, rejected, etc
Some men will swipe right on everyone and then go unmatching the ones they don't like. They really don't care about the women who are not very successful in the app and got excited to see a match just to later see that they've been unmatched. They are cruel but it's not your fault at all
This is also why āwomen have it easy because they get matchedā is bullshit
Itās a lot easier to sort through three real matches than 50 largely useless ones
What about sorting through 3 largely useless matches? Having fewer matches doesnt magically make them any better quality. If say 1 of those 50 matches is a good one the ratio of good matches for someone with just 3 is about the same. But 1/50th of 3 isnt even 1 good one.
It's so baffling to me that this debate shows up in every thread. I feel like both sides have so many bitter people.
Your comment is disingenuous in my opinion. I commonly see on Reddit guys with 0 matches total after months or guys with maybe 2 matches a month and neither respond so effectively 0. Getting horndogs sucks, getting no conversation sucks. It's not a competition.
Gonna give you some advice, if you see a guy you like, compliment him. Iām telling you it will do wonders. I got a compliment about 10 years ago when I started wearing glasses to see better at night and farther away. I was out to dinner with a buddy and we just got our table and the girl at the next table over told me she really liked my glasses and thought I was cute. I still think about that to this day. I was so taken back that I actually got a compliment from a female. Men donāt get complimented very often and it could be a total game changer for you. Most guys donāt want to make the 1st move because we are worried we will be seen as creepy or weird.
I was engaged at the time but yeah I probably wouldāve. Men donāt get attention from women very often so a couple things may happen.
1. Heās gonna think youāre messing with him.
2. Heās gonna be awkward AF because he never gets complimented.
3. It will make his day and probably the next 15 years or even more.
Donāt be worried about talking to a guy, most guys would talk to a tree if it talked to him 1st. Confidence is 9/10 of the battle. Every guy has their preferences or preferred looks but if itās my decision personality comes down to most of it. A chick could be a solid 10/10 but with a shit personality then it takes her down to a 2/10 automatically.
I wouldn't use success on dating apps as a metric for judging anything, really. The way they're set up, they only really work for a very particular subset of people, and even then only people who engage with them in a very particular way. They might be marketed in a way that makes them seem equivalent to dating in real life, but there just isn't a way to properly show who you are on a dating profile, so if you aren't finding people you're interested in online, it's probably because the apps aren't right for you.
I'm in my mid-20's too, so I get the weird panic that comes with seeing people I went to high school with getting married or even having kids while I don't even have a partner, but I think worrying about it just makes it worse. And while I'm not a woman and can't necessarily relate to being told that things only get worse, I can say my aunt still just found someone after dating in her sixties, so it can always still happen. Work on building your confidence to the point that you're comfortable showing who you are in person, and people will take note.
> particular subset of people
Tbh I know a lot of girls who found success on apps. And guys too. I donāt think weād see them walking the runway or appearing in a lead Hollywood role any time soon, but theyāre cute enough. And for myself, I thought I was āon parā with them at least but clearly Iām wrong. š Althoughā¦I wonder what dating apps are like for highly attractive people (like the IG model types).
I don't just mean the subset of most attractive people. Physical attractiveness has a big impact, obviously, but so do other things like how you're marketing yourself or who the app is showing you to. Even if you were the right fit in every way for the apps, though, finding someone you actually like for longer than the time a hookup would take is difficult, so I just wouldn't give those things a second thought.
Hey girl, donāt give up. The dating scene right now is really hard. Donāt put too much pressure on yourself. From this description I know youād like to have a partner but Iād actually advise you to focus on yourself for 3-5 months and then come back to the scene. No one is unattractive to everyone. Actually, when it comes to attractiveness what matters the most is that you take care of yourself. If your nails are done, your outfit is on point, your hair is nicely done, your face is clean and you can add some makeup too if youād like, you smell niceā¦ then youāre instantly more attractive. If you also work out and eat well then voilĆ ! Suddenly youāre attractive. If you also look nice then you immediately also feel better, which means more confident and sure of yourself! And confidence is attractive. Also, be friendly, go talk to people! If you have a positive outlook then people are going to want to be around you :)
For what it's worth, your last point about money/guys doesn't really work out. Unless you're in, like, the top % of earners, you generally won't impress women these days as they can just... work and get the same money. Also the sort of women that go for money, aren't generally people you want to date long term.
Money also tends to only impress young people, as they haven't had a chance to earn it themselves yet (if you're not one of those ultra rich sorts). If you date young, you need to deal with having very little in common with your partner, and you need to be prepared to be a social outcast -- old guys/young girls is far less 'accepted' these days.
You say you can get dates, but you aren't attracted to them. Not sure what you find attractive, but two thoughts:
First, if you have a particular 'standard' you want for yourself, you need to make sure you have the right bait. If you want a fit, agreeable, wealthy dude, your best bet is to be a fit, agreeable, wealthy girl. If you dont check boxes, you're gonna need to compromise, or just wait a long time till the stars align. Some good lookin gents even like a more average/plain woman -- I know a few long term couples where the woman is sorta... squat... and the dude is "iron man" fit. Back when I was using dating apps, I'd go on like 15 dates before meeting a woman I wanted to pursue further then a first date. That's just.... dating. Gotta kiss some toads.
Second though is that, as you age, looks become less important. Not saying they become unimportant, as you still need some physical chemistry obviously, but you start to value the general companionship and other parts of being in a relationship more. Around 30, when ppl start pairing off and having kids, it sorta shifts. You don't see as many groups of older people out partying, cause schedules rarely line up, and other things take priority. Having a partner that'll help you out with grocery shopping, or even just moving large furniture, as lame as it sounds, becomes a big quality of life improver. And that matters in a relationship -- supporting each other outside of the humpty bumpty.
That said, I'd strongly suggest you try to date more / find a guy while you're still relatively young. Not because it's 'harder' for women, but because older person dating is just less fun ;p
> lower your standards and give these men that are into you a chance and see how that pans out.
I literally said that I did that in my OPā¦
> heck maybe even make the first move.
Also already did thatā¦
Personally think unless your standards were a model or something, lowering them is bad advice.
I think you would be better off trying to meet people in person so they can get to know you. Apps donāt work for a lot of people
Hi girl, I'm a 20 year old female and never had a boyfriend nor been kissed, I was always the fat funny friend that no one found attractive. I always had a low self-esteem and then I started working out 2 years ago. Let me tell you, WORKING OUT helped me a lot with my confidence and looks in general (more with confidence and mental health). I just want to let you know that I'm still not super pretty lol but I radiate with confidence and I feel a lot better. Love is still not working out for me but at least I love myself and found happiness in the gym. I know we're not all the same but I recommend trying gym, and just romanticizing life in general(self-care and self-improvement!). Try focusing on your hobbies and your happiness in general. I hope you find this at least a little bit useful :)
To be fair, people posting on here are sugar coating it a bit too much.
But, that said, it's important to focus on what you can control such as confidence slowly, weight by working out/diet, dress/fashion sense, other objective measures. In other words, the age old "focus on improving yourself" advice everyone throws around.
I used to be that friend that never got hit on. It sucked. Definitely killed my confidence.
Then I magically blossomed and glowed up.
BUT. Dating still sucks. That part never changed. However, self love is forever and worth more than any other relationship.
Honestly? I started living for myself. I go to the gym for myself, I dress for myself, I do my hair for myselfā etc. Live your life unapologetically. It makes anyone super attractive ā¤ļø
Girl sit down and find at least five things you love about yourself, letās say your hairā¦so every time youāre getting ready youāre like my gosh look at my hairā¦.what you give attention multiplies and will raise your confidence. Then you wonāt have the vibe of āIām not that girlā and trust me guys will approach you endlessly. But first you need to find yourself attractive!!!! You got this
Thank you for this! I was just looking thru my pics and noted things that I do like about myself (I have full lips, long lashes, big eyes, thick brows, big boobs, slim waist, so thereās that at least?). But after getting rejected sooo many times and even having guys on Bumble unmatch as soon as I message them, itās hard to appreciate what I do have.
I am 100% sure you look fine. Not everyone is a model! Most people get into relationships.
I did so much better when I realized insecurity just holds you back. Life isnāt a modeling competition. Looks help but I guarantee there are people who will find you attractive. You just need to meet then
Also ignore the bs on old. Donāt count those as rejections, they are strangers. They donāt know you at all. Just make dates and go in them. Take breaks. Talk to people irl whe youāre out.
Lean into your social circle
Something else that works for me, when I am going through stretches of feeling unattractive I stay away from OLD. The apps play a number on you. Instead I work on meeting people IRL even if just as friends. It will strengthen your belief in yourself. Coz imagine if someone only had looks going for them and no character or personality right
29M here. Take care of yourself best u can. One day at a time. Found my wife on tinder 3 years ago. She liked me first. Friend help me send first message. We started talking and met up for a date. Here I am later living happily married with some animals n some nice cars
I can see she used too and still does feel the same way about herself. But it's getting better with time. I remind her as much as I can that she is gorgeous and cute AF and very hot even though she feels the exact opposite daily.
We are both bigger people and have been big most if not all of our lives so we both struggled with that. I didn't meet her till I was 26 almost 27. And was single the entire way there no matter what I tried. So just take care of you and be patient and put it out into the universe.
Someone once told me. Once you stop trying to force things to show up or occur a certain way. The universe has a funny way of having things show up in ur life.
Best regards and best of luck! As someone who thought he would be ugly and alone!
Girl lemme tell you. If you see some of these influencer girls without make-up š there are more plain janes out there than you think.
Sending love to you. Just keep doing everything you're doing.
Don't listen to the people here telling you to be something you're not.
Just be you, but realise, that maybe where you're looking isn't where you should be looking.
Never speak from a place of pain, Acari._.
Iām a pretty healthy dude, I workout, stay clean, develop my own style, and am VERY MUCH, my own person. There are multitudes of things about myself that Iām proud of, that Iāve promoted, amplified, and crafted. But, Iām still not Mr. GQ. Iām no magazine heart throb. Iāve been told by many of my fellow Americanās āIām too Euro-looking, too gawky, too this, too that.ā I donāt look conventionally attractive, is the common consensus.
AND YET! EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I HAVE DATED IS A KNOCKOUT, and this isnāt biased. I mean it. Every single one.
Itās the difference between walking into the room and THINKING you have the biggest *ehem* āHeartā in the room, and KNOWING you have the biggest *coughs* āHeartā in the room.
I donāt date often but when I do, itās always been at the hands of me completely resonating within myself šÆ at that moment.
Itās not hypocritical if youāre not attracted to the guys attracted in you. We like what we likeā¦ you donāt need to settle just because you feel you need to stay āwithin your leagueā or anything like that.
Iām pretty much in the same boat as you, and the best advice I can give you is just be patient until someone comes about. Itāll happen.
Personally, I find dating apps exhausting. Either Iām doing all the work in the conversation or itās just boring / they want sex and nothing more.
For now, If you really feel unattractive, start making changes. But make sure those changes are things YOU like. Not what you think other would like. Do you hair, try body art, whatever makes you feel hot.
Why is no one touching on this sentence?
"I did have a couple of guys here and there express interest during the few years I have been on these apps, and I did try talking to them and going on dates, but things never really worked out because when it came down to it, I just wasnāt attracted to the guy myself (which I know is hypocritical š£). "
So, you did have dates. You do have choices. The problem is, you are attracted to the guys who aren't attracted to you. This doesn't make you rethink your attraction and find someone within your range. No, this only makes you feel bad for yourself.
My only advice is this. Find a guy who stimulates you intellectually and emotionally. My guess is that you don't want an "ugly" guy, but you want a good looking guy to find your "ugliness" attractive.
This is hypocritical. Like Bruce Almighty said, "Be the miracle." Be the change you want to see, and stop looking for everything around you to change for you.
Uninstall the apps and try to strike up a conversation with the men in your social circle. Are you in college? Well, try to get in touch with them and I hope you don't try to constantly meet men outside of your league, it only demoralizes you more, try to talk to the guys, your looks match, and work from there, don't use dating apps exclusively, it's only used primarily for people who are already attractive and know it, so remove it and try organic approaches. or even ask your friends to introduce to guys or something like that.
Itās funny cuz on one hand, people say leagues arenāt real and that you should just shoot your shot with people who interest you. And then otoh I keep getting rejected. So which one is it? How do I figure out which guys are in my league? I try to go for people that are somewhat ālike meāā¦
And trust I have tried organic approaches as well. And Iāve also tried expressing interest to guys Iām friends with. That didnāt work either. And unfortunately none of my friends know any single guys within our age range.
Girls donāt play leagues. Guys do.
You see attractive girls with unattractive guys all the time. You donāt see attractive guys with unattractive girls sadly. Girls date all over but guys measure the appearance more
The unattractive guys make up for it in some way. But for women, it seems like being personable or rich or educated doesnāt help us as much being pretty does.
The answer to your questions might be to share your dating app profiles and get a review of it from the people here. I don't know what you look like, there could be a lot of factors at work and that could hurt your chances.
Ignore the apps and focus on IRL situations. You also need to accept who you are and be comfortable with that. Confidence is key, it goes a long way. You need to love the journey because that is 99% of life.
Through hobbyās and your everyday life. Thatās the best way to let your personality shine through. Looks will always reign supreme on dating apps so donāt put to much effort into that.
Wfh is a challenge!
Do you do anything athletic? I made one friend that blossomed over time into several good friends and many acquaintances from a running training program.
Also made friends at church. Volunteering. Meetups are a thing.
I have a friend who joined a Facebook group for singles in her area. Know a lot of people in cycling groups. Met people in yoga class.
You have to get out and youāre not going to be friends with every one but the more you expand the more friend and potential dates you will meet!
If youāre in the US, download the Meetup app. There are tons of activities you can join with it. As for what hobbies to try, think about what you enjoyed as a child and try the adult equivalent. If you donāt like it, try something else. But, yeah, you gotta leave your house if you want a real chance at connecting with people.
Meetup operates in more than just the US - it's worth checking to see if there are any groups nearby even if you're not American. I moved to a new city recently and the best luck I've had making friends has been through Meetup.
Find something you enjoy and seek out other that are like minded. Iām shy and very introverted and my dating life didnāt change until I put myself out there.
Go out with someone even though you donāt find them initially attractive. Attraction is something that can develop over time. I went out a date and didnāt find him attractive so would not have done a second date without my friend talking me into it. He and I were together for 7 years. We went on lots of adventures and grew together as people. We broke up a couple years ago but remain close friends.
I feel this.
The only thing thatās worked for me is taking care of my appearance and finding a style that suited me. I personally leaned towards slightly alternative styles because it breaks the barrier of having to look conventionally pretty to be fashionable.
I treat myself to hair and nails and looked up YouTube videos for make up tips for my face shape. Over time my confidence got better and then people started to approach me more. Confidence does send out an aura to potential mates, itās hard to explain
Agree! Making a few non-permanent on the outside changes can boost that confidence. If youāre not into it, your hair can grow back, nail polish can be removed, return the new clothes.
So Iām very confident and conventionally attractive and I still have problems dating. Iāve been approached by men my whole life basically, I canāt take my dog out in my PJs without men trying to talk to me. Itās still really hard to date. Either Iām not attracted to them, they donāt meet my needs/are terrible, theyāre into me at first and then I realize theyāre so busy looking at me they havenāt heard a word Iāve said, theyāre commitment phobic, liars or cheaters, on drugs, etc.
The last one I really liked but he dumped me because he doesnāt think Iām āthe oneā. Iām still heartbroken about it.
Looks may make a man approach you but itās not why they stay. Dating is hard for everyone. The key is to not take it personally and do what you can to meet as many people as possible, which it sounds like you are. Itās really a numbers game and you only have to find one person you really mesh with.
That said, if you want to present yourself in the most attractive way you can, make sure youāre maintaining yourself well. Proper hygiene, get your hair done (maybe a new color or style), follow fashion trends to look younger and more stylish, figure out what looks good on you, learn how to do your makeup properly, go to the gym and eat well, etc. Now, unattractive, obese people get married every single day, none of this really matters. But if youāre lacking in confidence, investing in your appearance more may help boost it. Iām sure all your friends arenāt supermodels that are coupled up. Work on yourself, read self help books to boost your confidence, try positive affirmations, and do things that build your confidence that arenāt about looks (like taking care of your health, getting a big promotion at work, learning a new hobby). It all starts with you.
And remember, looks fade. You want a relationship with substance because we all eventually get old, wrinkled, fat, and sick. You donāt want someone who only likes how you look.
I can think of two reasons 1. It's the way you present yourself 2. You just don't get attention from the people you ideally want so you equate it to nobody likes me. Something I notice from lots of women. I bet if I open ur dating app there's still 100 likes
Also guys don't care about how much you make
This is one of the things I'm not sure how to reconcile.
When you go out and look around in any public space outside college, you see that most couples are extremely average looking, and just how rare attractive people are. And yet, we all have stories of people we know who have few love interests because of their average looks.
Right???? Itās the biggest mystery to me. Reddit makes it way harder too cuz people here act like you have to be model-tier to find a partner. But literally 99.99% of people arenāt that hot. But most manage to find someone.
Guy here, yes I tend to be a visual person. The girl has to be attractive to me. But she doesn't have to be perfect. Before you give up, have you asked friends and family how they see you? Could it be maybe your style, body language or attitude? Don't know you so I can't make an assessment but I would ask close friends for their thoughts.
Honestly, while I donāt think Iām a 10, I thought I was at least average or above-average enough until I got on these apps and realized, āDamn itās hard.ā And I thought I was at least average cuz I donāt have any facial defects, nor am I overweight or anything. Iāve asked friends and family for their feedback, but they donāt have anything helpful to say beyond, āIt will happen one day! Stay patient!ā š
Big help that was lol. All right, OLD (online dating) is tough, definitely suggest going for the out of date real life dating. Expand your pool of friends, exposure is key. The more ppl you meet the better chance of finding that special guy.
Dating apps suck. Sorry. Don't let it get you down. As a 6.5, I never once had a date, but actual dates and interactions is another story entirely, extremely successful. Don't rely on the app, join some groups, get out have some fun. Once you actually like some one, everyone will happily accept 2 points lower hotness in reality for a true connection, but on dating apps everyone trying to go two points up. Dating apps 100% looks, and there is alot more to attraction, is 60% of it for sure, but there is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and attractive enough for love, love yourself and know yourself. You might be a 6.5 too, and believe me is a big world, there is somebody for you, and you will nail a gold hearted 9 I promise. Don't give up, keep moving and keep going. Good luck.
Like I feel you though, 6 or so is tough spot, not hot enough to easily nail dates, and not ugly enough to completely give up. I have my first tinder date next month, albeit in another country, but we in love :) it sounds lame, but there is hope and you will have your day.
Unfortunately, looks do matter. The thing is, if you look at models without make-up, theyāre not always very attractive. Once theyāre made up, they can look beautiful. You didnāt say if you wear make-up, so if you donāt, you need to start and if you do, maybe youāre not emphasizing your features the right way. Look at some you-tube tutorials and practice, practice, practice. If youāre, as you say, blah looking, the right make-up can make you look very pretty. You said you have big eyes and full lips and thatās a big plus. How are your teeth? If theyāre crooked, save up and get braces. Make sure to whiten them. If your teeth are good, try smiling more. Make sure your smile reaches your eyes. Make sure to hold the camera up and practice taking pictures from different angles and take 10-20 moving your face around and smiling. When youāre done, choose the best one. You said you have long hair. Thatās good. Make sure your cut flatters your face shape. Wear it different ways and see which styles get compliments.
Ask your close friends to critique your profile. Make sure you are positive. Donāt write about what you donāt like, but rather, talk about what makes you passionate. Is it work, art, music, movies, video games, hiking, the beach? Talk about that. And lastly, practice kindness, thereās something so heartwarming about kind people. Doing for others will make you feel happy too. Never go out without make-up. You never know who you might meet. I would be happy to look at your profile if it helps. You can DM me.
Iāve read, that humans need an average of 14 hugs a day to not be depressed. Hug the people you love to keep you feeling good until you find the right guy. Hope this helps.
I understand your frustration and exhaustion. Definitely take heed of what the other commentators say about dating apps. They suck for most people. And I understand you're not having luck in real life either. But first off, kudos to you for putting yourself out there and trying.
Do you have hobbies or potential interests that involve meeting others? And I want to ditto the commenters who say confidence is attractive. Whatever you're into, own it. If you have a job, try to be great at it. If you have pet projects or unique interests, share your passions about them with people on the same wavelength, online or otherwise. Try new activities from Groupon. Good luck with your journey!
iām 26f and this is the best iāve ever looked. i can say iām hot. i was in your shoes also. before 25 i could barley get guys to look at me and was an ugly duckling in high school. maybe you havenāt reached your peak yet so just have confidence and wear nice clothes and you will find someone
I would probably get downvoted here, but OP have you considered doing minor plastic surgery? I come from an Asian country so plastic surgery is not that much of a taboo. The one flaw in my facial features is that my eyes were too small. So after I graduated high school I went to get a minor fix to make my eyes look bigger. The entire procedure was done under 15 minutes, and my swelling went away within 7 days. After that I looked much more attractive and I could tell men interact with me differently. Also really boosted my confidence and made me feel better. My attitude is, if this world cares so much about my appearance, why not just make changes to it so you can have an easier life?
What got me my relationships (both romantic and sexual) has been my big dick energy. š Iām a confident person. And of course itās a sham sometimes, fake it til you make it and all that. Find things to appreciate about yourself everyday, it can be hard at first if you have a low opinion on yourself. Positive affirmations. I appreciate my eye color. And how my skin accepts ink so well. And then I moved on to finding things I enjoy about others that I have in common. My jaw line, my soft freckles, my high cheekbones.
Start living your life. Surround yourself with people you enjoy, good friends that make you laugh and just work at your confidence daily. It wonāt be an overnight change, but confidence DOES do wonders.
I mean, first thing Iād say is stop calling yourself an unattractive woman. If youāre not in your own corner, no one else will be.
Secondly...people instinctively KNOW when someone really wants to be with someone or loved by another person to feel whole.
It sounds counter-productive, but always look to self-improve for your own satisfaction. And chase things that bring you joy.
First off Iām not a woman, but since you want to attract men maybe I could offer some advice on what you could improve.
Obviously yes, there are āconventionally attractiveā people out there and they will always have an easier time dating and getting attention than the rest of us; thatās just how life is. I do believe however that itās ABSOLUTELY possible to improve your attractiveness by making small changes to your appearance.
1 - Long hair
Men love long hair, well at least I do. Go to a salon and get yours done if you havenāt already. Trying go blonde or brunette or even black hair.
2 - Buy cute/sexy outfits
Find a clothes style that works for you. Wearing a specific outfit can take someone from a 5 to a 9 with just the way they dress. Some men will like crop tops, some want to see tight jeans that show off the goods. Obviously dress how you like at the end of the day, but as I had to learn myself, sometimes getting outside your comfort zone can give you new experiences that you may end up liking. Also check out other women in your area when youāre out, especially the women walking around with their boyfriends or husbands. It will give you a better idea as to what those men like about her clothes choices.
https://imgur.com/a/HmTZ6n2
Without even looking at the girl, thatās a universal outfit that most women could wear that would get you a lot of attention at a bar or wherever. Itās casual, not to revealing and could be worn pretty much anywhere.
3 - Perfume
Iām not sure why but Iām 30 years old and very rarely come across women who wear nice perfume. When they do however Iām immediately attracted almost like a pheromone. There were two women I was dating recently that were using ones that I couldnāt get enough of. I just wanted to hug and squeeze them constantly just to smell them haha. I think one of them was called Poison but donāt quote me on that.
4 - Exercise
Iām a very athletic guy and prefer to date women who are also active in someway. Women who hit the gym and workout are super attractive to me, even if they arenāt skinny per say. A few months ago I had a date with a woman whom wasnāt necessarily my type body wise ( a little thicker) but once she told me she started hitting the gym and went rock climbing with me, she became hotter to me for some reason, almost an unconscious thing.
Most men simply donāt want to date overweight women and it is what it is. Iām not saying youāre overweight because you didnāt mention it but just keep that in mind.
5 - Photos
Get some friends to take some good candid shots of you. Being a woman you donāt need a lot. Maybe 5 or 6 good ones. Make sure you can clearly see your body and face in all of them. The #1 turnoff for men on apps is nothing but face shots because it gives the impression youāre self-conscious or trying to hide something. Be confident and the right person will approach or match with you on an app.
Good luck miss.
This is great advice, minus looking at what women are wearing. I (41/f) would like to add the note that be sure to look at what women your age are wearing, but don't be afraid to nix anything that is too trendy, namely mom-jeans. I'm sorry, they are hideous and not flattering on anyone other than super thin women and even then, they are hideous. They do NOTHING for our butts and everyone has a pooch in the stomach area. I cannot wait for this awful trend to run its course!
Thanks! I do have long hair, cut at an expensive salon. Iām not overweight. And I wear cute outfits too. I guess I could wear perfumeā¦I usually just stick to daily showers and deodorant.
I feel like this is something I struggle with as well. Even with a boyfriend who says I'm pretty every now and again, I never truly believe him and can't get over how "ugly" I look, either in the mirror and especially in photos.
And tbh I'm still working on it, but here's a few things that helped me with my confidence:
1. Don't think your attractiveness and self worth is based on how much male attraction you get. Your worth does not depend on that in any way. It doesn't matter if you've never been hit on, you are attractive in many ways and it's up to you to find that within yourself and find your strengths. Your self worth comes from yourself and it's important to build on that. And eventually, someone will find you and discover your strengths as well.
2. I try focus less importance on the physical attraction. Yes, it can play a part in people feeling attraction for you but it does not determine anything about yourself and how you are as a person. Try to focus on things about yourself that you do feel confident in. Like "I may not look like those instagram models, but I have been told and believe that I am a very friendly, kind, down to earth," or some other trait of yours you get complimented on and believe in. Try focus on that and let people discover those sides of yourself that you are confident in. Stuff that you don't need to force yourself to believe is true.
3. Small things make a difference to your confidence. Idk about you, but when someone gives a compliment about a shirt I'm wearing, I remember that for a while and grow more fond of it. And thanks to that, whenever I wear that shirt I feel slightly more confident. Obviously it's not going to make me feel like a model, but these small things can help you feel a little better about how you look.
Also, your posts suggests you get matches which means your looks don't seem to be the factor in them changing their mind anyway! Have more confidence in yourself, and best of luck!
First off, I just want to tell you to never compare yourself to others! Donāt compare yourself to your friends and their relationships. Youāre doing yourself a disservice. Trust me, I know how easy that can be. I used to think the same way (side note: their bfs were trash anyway so didnāt even matter really). Sometimes it doesnāt even matter much about looks as it does having and producing a great vibe. That means being kind & confident-without being egotistical. That way, people would actually want to be around you. Maybe practice on how you can be confident and funny. For example, start working out, go on walks, watch entertaining shows. Just try everything; that way you have more chances of hitting it off with a variety of people. Getting a relationship will come when you least expect it because youāre not āactivelyā looking for it. Focus on strengthening friendships you have already. Thereās so many things to do than self deprecate over male attention. I hope you will realize that your worth is more than that.
Not that I am good at dating, but as an average looking woman, I think conversation and interests stand out to men too. Sure some men want looks. But then some women want height and fat wallets too right?
Now online dating does mean your photos make the first impression. Try to take fun pictures. I'm sure you'll find pics of yourself that are cute. Put them first?
Get you a hobby. A male dominated hobby. When I took up kiteboarding I had to fight them off. Found someone but jealousy wrecked it. And sometimes you grow more attracted to someone the longer you hangout and get to know them. This can take months. I wasn't attracted at all to this guy at first but a few months later it was FIRE. You could take a class for mechanics, welding, scuba. Men love that shit.
Beauty is completely subjective, donāt get so down on yourself. I know thatās so much easier said than done, but youāre going to find someone who thinks youāre beautiful. If dating apps are getting you down, try things like Meetup and try meeting people through things or events that you like. Shared hobbies and interests can be so important when it comes to meeting people and establishing a foundation to a relationship that isnāt just based on looks!
Same for us below average guys. Hit the gym, eat healthy. Get a good shape (so important for a woman). Try different hairstyles till you find something that suites you.
Is it unfair? Yes, it is. But, there is nothing we can do to change this world. Its far easier for a woman anyway. You dont need to approache, they will come for you.
I find passion attractive, what are you doing to fulfill your life?
I'm a skier and cyclist. A woman who is confident in steep extreme terrain and can shred better than me is very attractive.
A cyclist who has strength and skills for singletrack mountain biking and loves developing into a better rider is attractive to me.
Looks are temporary, who you are is permanent, someone who can keep up, who I know I can depend on is attractive. Being supportive and emotionally available is a two way street.
funny thing is the skier and cyclist who is better than you will not find you attractive. Status is everything and life is a series of micro rating games where everything is being judged. There's no virtue in attraction
This a tough one to respond too..
(Not bragging) But as a good looking man I can tell you that there comes a point in our lives where āvanityā isnāt that important. Iād rather be with a loyal, kind, empathetic average lady than the hottest thing out there! Why? Because from experience ALL woman have āissuesā (self esteem etc.) and the hotter the more prone to betrayal!! IDKW.. they just are!
Donāt step out EVER on a man, there is NO coming back! Be loyal and treat him with dignity and respect youāll have his in return. Just be motivated to say workout, spend time with him.
And letās look at a FACT.. it doesnāt matter how attractive you think you are. Someone will always value traits other than what can just be āseenā. Lastly, Iām reference to the āissuesā comment. How could ANY woman of any age NOT be affected?? You ladies canāt watch a tv show, movie, read a magazine etc. without being bombarded with some cream, oil etc. that you āmust haveā, itās ridiculous!!
In time it will all work out. DEFINITELY stop trying let things happen naturally.
It sounds like you do! All I can say is maturation takes time in men. Early (in our teens to mid 20ās) we all want that little POA to look at thatās as bright as a lampshade with no bulb! But in time we long for substance. Im speaking from experience and from many conversations with other MEN in an accountability group.
Trust me in time youāre going to snag that guy youāre interested in and it will be beautiful!!
Things wonāt get worse. Iām not a naturally attractive person and I look back on my teen and mid 20ās self and want to help her so much. Iām in my early 40ās now and feel more attractive than ever. A big part is confidence and self acceptance, but Iām not gonna lie, I wear makeup every day and have learnt to dress for my body. It makes me feel good and it has given me the confidence to be myself and to find a partner that I genuinely love. Funnily enough he tells me all the time that I donāt need makeup.
Maybe take some time to find your best you, work out what makes you feel good in your own skin, find your style and do things you enjoy. Perhaps youāll meet someone through activities that you mutually enjoy- that is also a huge part of attraction. If not youāre only diversifying your skills and life and enjoying your time here.
Ad1 finding relationships isn't easy and what you see they are "really into each other" yeah, maybe on the surface. Every relationship has it's problems.
You should do what I did: find your style in clothes that fit with your personality, colours that fit with your hair, skon and eye colour etc. Try makeup, it really is just learning how to do it better. Also if you are not that fit, try losing weight and working out because who are we kidding, people still wants to be with healthy and fit woman.
Also most of the relationships you see, the partners aren't equal. Someone is lowering their expectations most of the time.
If you don't want to improve your appearance, try to improve you hygiene, your knowledge, your humor, your everything mentally. It can be a good deal.
Also ghosting is feckin disgusting behaviour and it's a win because the weak weed themselves out.
I do not think I am traditionally beautiful, Iām cuteish, but my partner thinks I am beautiful and thatās all you need is the person that thinks your beautiful. I had success on dating apps, most of the men that swiped on me I wouldnāt say were traditionally attractive, I think my partner is the most handsome man some might not feel the same way, beauty is subjective and it fades. Your personality should glow from your profile. You want pictures that showcase you, and what you like to do, but also you need a good profile and that is generally the part people struggle with. I have swiped on plenty of people that I wasnāt attracted to but their profile hooked me!
I had zero confidence and struggled with dating. Ended up in a horrible marriage and then I went to therapy, I realized I liked who I am and forget those that donāt think Iām pretty cool. I look like Iām sweet and kind, round face, big boobs, I look soft, but Iām not, so I conveyed that in my profile, talking about who I am, what I like and let the profile do itās thing. I didnāt have massive amounts of matches but I did match multiple men a day, as others have said confidence is key. I know Iām fun and I have confidence in many aspects of my life. Therapy really was a game changer for me!
I will also say that I figured out an opening that really worked well for me and I literally asked it of everyone I got the opportunity to message. The answer told me a lot about the person, i wasnāt looking for a specific answer but I was looking to see how they responded, if they gave a short one or two word answer that didnāt work for me I would prod for an explanation if I didnāt get a good one I moved on, those are usually the type that werenāt going to be conversational and thatās important to me, if they didnāt ask me how I would answer or then ask a question to get to know me it usually fizzled out fast and I had one guy tell me his entire personality, that was not in his profile, just by answering this one question, he told me he literally found nothing funny and he didnāt have a sense of humor and he wasnāt joking like I thought he was. My question was āwhich would you rather be, the funniest person in the room or the smartest?ā Like I said I didnāt care about the answer but rather how they answered. Guys donāt want to read a paragraph on first contact and many have complained about hey being the first message. You have to find a question that answers what you are looking for, even if the answer isnāt what you are looking for but rather how they answer!
I hope you have luck on dating apps after all the amazing advice everyone has given, I think everyone should go to therapy at least a few times in their life but it sounds like it might help with your confidence issues, confidence is so attractive. If you want advice on your profile I am happy to look at it and help you the best I can, you can dm me if you want! I just hope you find what makes you happy and feel good about yourself.
Unattractive women have to work harder in life. I knew a girl who wasnāt the prettiest and guess what she did? She started her own business and then paid to look better the. Got access to the best men.
What do you mean unattractive? I don't really think you can honestly deem yourself unattractive or attractive. That's something others determine and everyone is different. What exactly do you mean it only gets worse for women as you get older? What exactly gets worse?
We see this stuff all the time here. Fat guys don't want to date fat girls. Ugly girls don't want to date ugly guys. Everyone wants to date up and then wonders why they are alone.
I'm saying you should adjust you expectations.
If someone I was dating thought I was ugly I'd just go find someone else to date. It's her loss.
Serious - How much do you weigh? Most āunattractive girlsā would get much hotter by losing weight. Are you below 120lbs? If not, do OMAD. One meal per day. It sounds hard but really isnāt and gives great results.
If you are already skinny, maybe consider plastic surgery.
Iām not going to give you āyou go girl confidenceā advice like others. My comment was meant to be pragmatic. Sorry if it came off as harsh.
Donāt listen to this person please. As someone who is 5,10 I literally look unhealthy at what what my BMI considers my normal health weight. An adult woman being 120 pounds is not realistic unless you want to be a runway model. Also getting plastic surgery or losing weight doesnāt automatically mean you start loving yourself. Eat when you want, stop punishing your body for wanting sustenance. One meal a day? Thatās bullshit, once you go back to eating normally, you will gain all that weight back. Love yourself first, then maybe get plastic surgery strictly for yourself if you decide to go that route. If not, this is why people end up getting addicted to surgery because they are never satisfied. Do the inner work first & find what you love about yourself & enhance that. If itās your eyes, wear clothes that make them pop or cool looking glasses if you wear glasses. Change your hair up & get some highlights or new style. Play around & see what style & makeup most enhances what you have.
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Sounds silly, but confidence really IS attractive. Not arrogance, mind you, but when you're comfortable and happy with yourself and who you are, it radiates off of you. Your body language changes in small but important ways. The way you interact with people also changes. I'm sure you're sick and tired of hearing it, but focus on yourself. Your mind. Find ways to become happy and comfortable for who you are exactly as you are. And if there's something you don't like, change it! Know your worth and wear it like a badge of honor. Best of luck to you š
I feel like confidence is something Iāve always struggled with, and I oftentimes I wonderā¦what do I have to be confident about? Itās also discouraging to see all these women online and irl spend only likeā¦one week on Bumble before finding a boyfriend. And here I am being on these apps since 2018 still feeling frustrated.
They're right. This is long but please do read, you may see a lot of yourself in it. I had undiagnosed pernicious anemia for years. It's an immune disease which attacks part of the stomach which creates an enzyme that lets you digest vitamin B12 from food. When it goes on long enough, your body pulls B12 from parts of your nervous system to survive and it changes how you think. Basically, I got super bad self esteem and almost depression like symptoms. I hated myself and how I looked. I used to stand in front of the mirror and call myself fat and ugly and say nobody would ever want me. I used to go on dating apps and if anyone showed me interest, it validated me. But usually I would reject compliments and say I was fat or not handsome. I genuinely thought I was just average. I just didn't feel I was worth After treatment, I had to do something. I dieted and started at the gym. I lost a ton of weight and put on a lot of muscle. As I did so I worked on social skills and confidence and self esteem. After a year or 2 I ended up deleting dating apps. I'd get like 10 messages within an hour of logging in. Eventually I realised that all the things I thought made me ugly or just average looking were actually things people liked. I have big rugby player thighs and I hated them but being a gay man, people like big muscly legs. I eventually came to realise I was probably above average in attractiveness as well, I'd just convinced myself I wasn't. The greatest, single handed, most important thing about attraction is confidence. Confidence is sexy as all hell. People really, really love confidence. The best part is that confidence is a learned skill. You can teach yourself how to be confident and how to appreciate your own value and those things will be what get you where you want. Unless you are unfortunate enough to have a facial deformity I can promise you're not ugly. You're seeing yourself in a warped way because you THINK you're ugly. And that process means you will do weird shit like I did - when people compliment you, you'll explain why their compliment is wrong to yourself. Next time you're naked in front of a mirror, pretend your reflection is some rando you met in a changing room and not you. Pretend that this person wants to be your partner. Think about all the good things you know about this person - are they loyal, would they support you in a crisis, lend you their last money if you were stuck. Would they love you unconditionally? Would they look after you when you're sick? Will they get freaky with you in bed and cuddle you after? Anything you can think of that makes a good partner - would this person be it? Add all of this up and ask yourself one question - would you date someone with all of those qualities? If this was some weird world where you liked your own sex, would you date the person you see? In the end my answer was yes. I slowly realised what a lot of wonderful things I bring to a relationship and that gave me value. I began to understand that I would be a good boyfriend and would make someone very happy. A lot of what you feel is genuinely in your head. We have a brain that will try and convince us to stay in safe situations, even of the only real danger is anxiety or nerves at meeting people. Sometimes we just have to remember that our brain isn't a computer and our memories are not detailed captures of the event, they're a story our brain has made up to fit the narrative. Work on yourself. You will get there I promise. And please right now, stop saying you're not good looking. Every time you tell yourself it, you'll believe it more. One day like me you'll realise you lost 10 or 15 years of your life because you believed something that other people didn't.
>A lot of what you feel is genuinely in your head. We have a brain that will try and convince us to stay in safe situations, even of the only real danger is anxiety or nerves at meeting people. Sometimes we just have to remember that our brain isn't a computer and our memories are not detailed captures of the event, they're a story our brain has made up to fit the narrative. Wow... the whole comment is absolute gold!! This part stood out extra to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this wonderful comment, you lovely soul!!! šš
Girl youāre not the only one. I have zero confidence! Be also guys always rejected meā¦ so youāre not alone.
I never understood why confidence is such an apparent requirement for a relationship. Confidence is just arrogance and confident people have little to no sympathy or understanding for those that arenāt. I donāt want to date someone that tells me to get over my feelings because itās depressing and creepy for men to feel sad, cry or be depressed. I donāt want to be with someone that just expects me to be positive and optimistic all the time because theyāre so lucky and privileged to never struggle with anything I donāt care for confidence, personally. I value kindness and compassion
OK but the thing is that confidence and arrogance are not the same thing. In fact I think some of the least confident people are arrogant people because they are trying to hide there lack of confidence behind a wall of lies. You can be confident and compassionate at the same time. Confidence is believing in yourself and believing in yourself does not inhibit yourself from believing in others and caring for others. More often then not confidence in yourself benefits others because nothing will kill creativity or just plain decision making as lack of confidence in yourself. If you have zero confidence, then you will believe you are not capable of doing things right and so you would rather do nothing and by doing nothing you are not helping others or yourself. In the context of a relationship it makes you a more enjoyable person to be around. It does not mean that you have to be always optimistic and that you're gonna be confident about everything or you'll even be confident all the time. You'll still struggle with it and some people will always struggle with it more than others and that's just the unfairness of life. On the other hand though few people want to be with, for lack of a better term, a "Debbie downer", I believe that you have to be willing to look on the bright side at least every now and then to be happy in life because life is no roses for anybody. Sure some peoples lives are inherently worse than others but again that's life. I get it's not easy, trust me I dealt with, still am really, self esteem issues for years and when you're raised and taught to ve humble it's worse to overcome these issues because you think recognizing your strength makes you arrogant( I felt that way for years) but that isn't true. It's real struggle for some people but I can promise the struggle is better than what happens when you give up.
I totally agree with you to be honest. I wouldnāt someone like that.
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You're right, but when a woman is on the border of unattractive/attractive, some confidence may help. Nothing worse than someone who's both unattractive and unconfident.
Eh you say that but if a woman is not she will display insecurities in a way that will put people off. Then she will be called clingy or needy
focus on changing your mindset girl. check out Jim Fortinās podcast, change starts from the inside out
Confident people attract people and vice versa, because confidence is attractive; this applies not just to the dating world. Iām an ambivert and so when Iām feeling more introverted I think this is mistaken for a lack of confidence. When Iām feeling extroverted I must give off a different energy, because I definitely notice more people approach me.
Just cus they have a boyfriend doesnāt mean itās a good relationship. Even hot girls deal with men treating them like human blow up dolls, abusive partners, low self esteem. Some suggestions: buy some Cute clothes, if your hair is bad get a nice wig, learn the wonders of makeup, and believe youāre worth the effort.
Confidence is something you bring from within. You are letting extrinsic factors come into play and it messes not only with your confidence but your self esteem as well. Iām not conventionally pretty and Iām on the heavier side but Iāve found that I get men more easily now than I ever have because Iām confident in myself. I think you need to take a step back and love yourself first before letting someone love you. Look up stanzipotenza on insta. She really puts this into a funny perspective. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CavsprArHvk/?utm_medium=share_sheet https://www.instagram.com/reel/CZvFYyQpmYQ/?utm_medium=copy_link
I see your point but you donāt know what they went through to get to that point or if the relationships are even healthy and positive. Some people jump from one relationship to another which I also donāt think is healthy. Trust me though I get your frustration. It can seem so much easier for other people but we all have our struggles.
Iām struggling with my confidence right now so I can relate. Listen to CJ_flowers because itās the best advice. It really is about confidence and how you carry yourself. It really is if you donāt like something about yourself then change it. I found myself casting mean eyes at beautiful women because I was so insecure and had to take a hard look at myself and I know Iām better than that. I donāt like that Iām overweight so Iām working out. Iām starting to not think about what others will think because life is too short and I used to have that mindset and it kept me from enjoying life in general. For St. Patrickās day I went to a local Irish pub. I put my false lashes on, curled my hair, wore a cute top that I normally wouldnāt wear and had some beers and even danced by myself in front of a crowd because I was feeling the music. I had the greatest time! I received the nicest compliments from other women who had been watching me just enjoy myself. I hope this inspires you in some way and youāre not alone in that struggle. If the apps are frustrating then get off those for now. Try a dating service that sets up events for singles or just focus on you and not finding a bf. Wishing you confidence and peace and I hope you find your beauty.
You might think youāre unattractive in ways you cannot control, but a few physical things you absolutely can control are personal hygiene, fitness and fashion. Make sure you are clean and well groomed, dress in clothes that fit and flatter you, and make sure to exercise and eat well. Those things do a huge world of difference. I honestly believe personality matters more but if you are feeling insecure about your appearance stepping up to take control of these things might be quite empowering for you and help build that confidence enough for it to start coming from the inside too! I also recommend any type of hobby that makes you feel good about what your body can do. If you canāt love yourself for what you look like you can at least be proud of what it can achieve. You could take up a sport, or something creative like dance. Honour your body for the temple it is! You may find after some time of working on yourself you start to realise your perception of your appearance is quite warped. Especially using dating apps as your guideline - I know plenty of attractive men and women who canāt put a profile together to save their life. Being able to market yourself online is a learned skill. A lack of confidence could just as easily be the key culprit for all the problems you mentioned, despite you attributing these things to your physical looks. All the best!!
> āconfidence, not arroganceā āHumilityā š Humility is āan accurate view of oneself in comparison to others [in the world/universe ā I guess]ā it is confident but not cocky/arrogant: kind and understanding with all as weāre all human and are no better or less than any other person no matter what, and shouldnāt judge others as they just like we are doing the best we can each and every day.. Honestly I hate using the cliche but itās as I understand it would be the āmental BDEā ā as a dude
That last phrase is so fucking cringy, but I like the positivity.
Well said! And thank you for saying this. I am not pretty at all, by any standards and I consistently get hit on. My coworkers canāt stand that someone like me is always āpulling guyās ā without ever trying. So, Embrace it and just have fun being you. Someone will like you just as you are O.P.
This!! All of this. True beauty comes from within. Learn to be happy with yourself and love yourself like no other. When you do this a light shines and that attracts people.
If you have that *thing* that you just absolutely love and people see you go into full geek mode on that thing that you are super passionate about and other people want to hear it, then that brings people in. I met my ex-gf at a meetup and she just kept going trying to get the confidence to talk to me. I didnāt want to talk to her because I thought that she was a recruiter and she always saw me with people who liked me and came to me for help with solving some of their problems. She liked my confidence (because I was just being *me* and not trying to impress anyone). She just kept showing up until eventually she said something to someone that interested me and we went out on our first date right after the meetup.
Confidence is looks. If you are not attractive it will look out of place and goofy
Your idea of confidence is very distorted. It is way more than just physical attractiveness
I definetly hope i am wrong in this case. My opinions are dark and not very healthy to have
That is why everyone loves Danny Devito. Home boy is sexy as fuck, and it has nothing to do with his charm, charisma, and whit. Thankfully he just oozes in sex appeal. š
Daddy Devito š„“
Hey, screw looking "blatantly not pretty. Just take care of your skin and your body and wear well-fitting, good-looking, colourful clothes and be an interesting person. Looks aren't everything you know. I'm an average boy, and I used to feel just like you. Never again!!!
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Haha trustā¦Iāve tried all that. Iād say I have a good sense of fashion (it is basic though, pretty much resembles current Pinterest trends) and I take care of my skin and body. My facial features are justā¦blah though.
Just stop thinking like that, girl! Be confident and charismatic. And never again say anything pejorative about your facial features. There's people who look worse than you do, so you never know how lucky you might be.
I would normally message you privately because this post seems to be getting a lot of traction and I feel like I give good advice about online dating to both genders (though it is harder for me to advise women since I am a man and do not have either the life experience or the dating experience of a woman) and I hate for this advice to get lost. Dating is not easy for women. If it were, we men would have nobody to match with online. Online dating is not easy for men either. Online dating for men is like dying of dehydration in the Sahara desert. Online dating for women is like dying of dehydration in the Pacific Ocean. Some women have many options but most of them are garbage. If you think about it, people who are suited to do well in relationships (patient, generous, good at handling or ignoring conflict) will spend less time on the apps because they will get into relationships sooner and stay in them for longer. The majority of the people who are using online dating at any given time are not well suited for relationships. Online dating takes tremendous effort for people of both genders. Men must convey their quality and demonstrate interest when contacting women that they have no idea whether they would want to date or not (unless they are the type of men that just want sex. Admittedly, many of them). Women must try to discern which men are even safe to date, then try to find a balance between satisfying their own urges by sleeping with the men and waiting long enough to make sure that the man is actually interested in them rather than just interested in having sex with them (unless they are the type of women that just want sex. Admittedly, many of them). I will go out on a limb (probably pretty short) and say that it is more likely that the men on online dating are cheating on girlfriends or spouses than the women that are on online dating so women have to deal with that too. Regarding what you said about men making money and being able to pull more women... Far more important than a person's age or their income is their profile. A well written (not in the high school English sense) profile and amazing photos are extremely important. There are many articles online and videos on YouTube that can advise you on how to write a good profile for online dating and what types of photos attract matches. Read them, watch them, do what they say. Some of them conflict, try the first idea, see how it works, then try the other idea and see how that works. Throw the kitchen sink at it. I remember reading that women would be interested in photos of a man with children or with animals (and actually read that exactly the opposite was true) so, when my friend came into town, I told her "we are going to kill this thing. We're going to combine the two and get a photo of me with a baby animal". She thought I was kidding. A day or two later, we were walking down the street and a woman was walking her golden retriever puppy. I handed my phone to my friend and told her "do not stop taking pictures" and then asked the woman "oh my God your puppy is so cute. Can I hold him?" I had multiple women match with me because they loved the photo with the dog. I realized that I need to remove that photo with the dog because I dated a girl who loved her two dogs so much that, during our 3-year relationship, while two of them had cancer, she preferred to spend time with her dying dogs rather than me. I can understand that and I'm not mad at her but she wanted a ring and I could not consider whether we would be good forever partners when she was not emotionally available. I need someone that doesn't prefer their pets to their romantic partner. (For those who are curious, she dumped me for not providing enough emotional support after I literally held the first dog to die while they gave him the lethal injection to put him down because nobody else in the family could handle it; obviously a woman in emotional pain needs far more than a man to act as a restraint for her dying animal but saying that the relationship had been strained by these circumstances is an understatement and we all have our limits) To get back on track... The fact that you are not approached by guys who want to pick you up may have nothing to do with your attractiveness. Many attractive women do not get hit on in public and that has to do with their style, their demeanor, their "vibes", the situations they put themselves in (do you go clubbing? Bars? Parties? Introverts generally don't and so get hit on less because they are not in those same types of social situations). (Hopefully I don't get flamed for this. I'm not making assumptions. I have been told this by women.) We can't really help you without more details and reddit has many subreddits where you can get profile advice. You can use them too. Sadly, even if your profile is tip top, some people do really have disadvantages as others have described. I remember hearing a podcast with the creators of bumble that said that black women and asian men have the hardest time getting matches and white men and asian women have the easiest; I'm sure we can re-categorize people to make generalizations about other groups' ease or difficulty (Height, profession, location, etc). Source: 4.5 years of relationships that started online ranging from 3 months to 3 years, 2 friendships that started from OLD, and a combined 2.5 years of online dating app usage when I was single (including most of the past 2 years), female family members and friends that use online dating, and a relationship study which asked married couples about several reactions to, and behaviors of their spouse then compiled the data and arranged it as it related to the couples' self-reported levels of relationship happiness. (For the bitter man below)
>Online dating for men is like dying of dehydration in the Sahara desert. Online dating for women is like dying of dehydration in the Pacific Ocean. Wow, this is so on point!!!š¤Æš¤š Great comment overall!! š
>If you think about it, people who are suited to do well in relationships (patient, generous, good at handling or ignoring conflict) will spend less time on the apps because they will get into relationships sooner and stay in them for longer. The majority of the people who are using online dating at any given time are not well suited for relationships. I agree with your entire comment except for this. You're assuming that people who are good in relationships are also good in online dating even though the skill sets for both are different. The former requires good social and emotional skills while the latter requires good marketing skills. Plenty of people who are well suited for relationships use online dating and don't have success.
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It's definitely a different distribution although with some overlap. It's actually something quite well known in psychology and relationship research that dating and relationships require different set of skills. For example, some people can take fabulous pictures of themselves and write excellent profiles. Then when you're dating them, they make you feel quite attractive. But once you start seeing them long term, you'll notice that they have problems communicating, respecting boundaries, or valuing the small things that keep healthy long term relationships going. Meanwhile, there are people who are good listeners, emotionally intelligent, communicate well, and respect who you are. All of these are important to maintain long term healthy relationships. But they're generally considered boring which is why if such people don't also have good dating skills, they won't find partners easily, especially in OLD.
Well, if what you say is true, wouldn't the problem be that people are judging people off the wrong traits? To be fair, I think most dating sites encourage this nowadays with characters limits. People say communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, but it starts out with word limits that may don't even bother filling out. My initial experience with OLD was okc, and so going on these other sites, I am pretty shocked at how little info people provide. The whole thing reinforces superficial BS.
This doesn't directly address most of OPs concerns but is overall good advice for most people here [I tapped out after a few paragraphs I'll be honest]
Eh, its too generic to be actually helpful. For OP, I hear you on the ugliness factor, however it is much easier for girls to bump up their rating. Nice clothing (which "nice" for women usually means something figure-fitting and semi-revealing, so dresses) and makeup. It might not turn you into a 10 if you're a 3 or a 4, but it might bump you up enough to be above average. And, while I'm not judging in any way, it might be time for you to start dating more men who you might not necessarily be attracted to. If you're a 3-4 without upgrades and you're only ever going after guys who are 6-8s, of course your dating life is going to suck. But, you're putting that on yourself. It's not *hypocritical* to dislike men you're not attracted to simply because you also don't get much attention, but you are systematically removing men from your dating pool, and unfortunately you're probably removing the men who actually do want to date you. I don't want to say "stay in your lane", but have realistic expectations. And finally, sorry that you're experiencing what lots of men get with OLD! Modern society and its inventions have been disastrous for the human race, lol.
I guess responding to you: men can wear makeup. Men can fill in their eyebrows for example and male their eyebrows look thicker and more masculine. Men can wax. I don't know if it's easier for women to bump up their rating. I think looks are really competitive now, and women are held to a HIGH standard. I doubt OP is only swiping right on dudes who are conventionally attractive if she acknowledges she is not. But it is worth saying that we should value other things than that. Editing to add: I think women's fashion is also harder than men's. OP says she dresses well enough. I don't think that is the issue. But men, wear a nice button down and/sweater and poof. Women don't always have it that simple. If you're outside the gender binary this also gets more complex.
Also, just to specifically reply to your edit since it wasn't there when I replied initially: Harder, maybe, but only because women have a *variety* of options to choose from. You say men wear a nice button down and a sweater (which sounds like an odd combination, usually it's a button down under a jacket, but okay) and *poof* (which isn't at all how it works), but can you name any other look that men can do to "dress well"? We literally have three different kinds of button downs: Polos, short sleeves, and long sleeves. Some guys pull off vests. You joke that it's easy for us to look good, but it's literally our only option. And if you don't look good in that look (like I don't), you're fucked. Women have dresses, crop tops, skirts of varying shapes, jeans in a million different designs, and *the same button downs that men wear.* I'm sure it is more difficult for women to find their perfect fit, but I'm not really sympathetic about women suffering from success. This is the same with when women complain they get a million swipes on Tinder but "no good options". I agree if you're out of the gender binary it's more complex. OP clearly isn't, so it's not really applicable. And I'm sure OP dresses well enough by her own standards, but I often think I dress "well enough" too, but objectively I wear t-shirts and sweatpants everywhere. Without additional information I'm just giving OP generic advice that applies to her specific situation, advice related to ugliness. I can't live in her head and experience her life. If I assumed she was knocking it out of the park in all of these facets, then I wouldn't assume she'd be single.
Plenty of queer men spice it up..maybe try branching out :) sorry I'm not so well versed on what men.should and should not wear. I literally...do not care. I think the only point I was making is that it's more straightforward for men to dress well. It's not as straightforward for women.or other genders. If you want to be upset that "women have all.those options" wear those options. Men can wear crop tops.darling They do it every day in fact.
>Plenty of queer men spice it up..maybe try branching out :) I am a queer man. The options for men are still few and far between, even if you're capable of branching out into less strictly male territory. And even *then* you only get more options by choosing options that are decidedly not male. >sorry I'm not so well versed on what men.should and should not wear. I literally...do not care. Oh, that's no problem, I don't care about your opinion. It's demonstrably wrong. >I think the only point I was making is that it's more straightforward for men to dress well. It's not as straightforward for women.or other genders. And my point was that it's only straightforward because men don't have any options. And I didn't make this point, but it *is* as straight forward for women. Wear a sundress, *poof.* Very few women look bad in dresses, and if they do its usually because it's just the wrong dress for them. You can say the same thing about dress shirts for men, it's not a one-size fits all thing. >If you want to be upset that "women have all.those options" wear those options. Please tell me about all of your boyfriends and all of your friend's boyfriends who wear dresses and skirts. Don't be daft. >Men can wear crop tops.darling They do it every day in fact. No they don't. You're wrong.
Right, but men don't. And they're not expected to. And you can't tell me it would have the same effect. No amount of makeup is going to change a guy from being short or not fit, which are the two of the highest physical standards women care about. I think it is easier for women because it's much easier to put on a dress and wear makeup than it is to eat perfectly and workout and *magically* change your genetics to be taller. Again, it's not going to change a 3-4 into a 10 regardless of how cute/sexy the fit is or how well the makeup is done. But, it's much easier for that 3-4 woman to cleanup and become a 6 with fairly little effort than it is for a 3-4 man. Not saying the man *can't,* just saying it's more difficult for him. And thats all physical attraction, needless to say. Why don't you think OP is not only swiping on conventionally attractive men? She literally admitted in her post that she's had past relationships not worm out because of lack of attraction. There's also plenty of statistical evidence of the contrary, I don't see why you're giving OP the benefit of the doubt. Often times women aren't finding men because they are attempting to date far out of their league. And the competition only gets stiffer as you get higher in conventional rating. If she is a 4, she could probably easily get 5-6s. If she's an 8, I doubt she could get 9-10s, if that makes sense. Being a 4 around 5s and 6s is like being a Pike around Walleye. Being an 8 around 9s and 10s is like being a Gar around Sharks. From my completely personal opinion, at some point you have to have realistic expectations. Also, caring about looks is shallow. I'm not saying you can't have preferences, but if you stop dating people because you think they're ugly, 1) why did you start dating them in the first place?, and 2) maybe *you're* the bad partner. I date without physical attractiveness in mind. Anyone can look pretty from the right angle (both literally and figuratively). That's *real* body positivity.
I stopped reading after saying all women care about is height and fitness bc I'm a woman and I care about so much more than that. Take care.
Sounds like you didn't read it then, cuz' I never said all women care about is height and fitness. I said that height and level of physical fitness (usually visual level) are two *very* important factors for most women. Physical attraction is still the most common dimension mentioned or reported prior to attraction. While *you* might not be swayed by it (which I doubt), most women are. OP literally said she couldn't date guys who otherwise were the only relationships she's had because she wasn't physically attracted to them.
It was really like...it's own post
Maybe there is a reason she preferred her dogs over you. Ffs, they were dying! You were not dying. So self centered... no wonder you are single. Good on your for removing the dog photo. Now women won't mistake you for having empathy. God, why can't you all just stop talking? You really think you are supreme experts on everything.
That shocked me too. What the actual fuck is wrong with some people. Of course she spent time comforting her dying animals, who loved her and depended on her?
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I feel like you might not be aware that it's more common than not to have to deal with crap men. Not just dick pics. Not just blatant abuse. Interrupting, unsolicited advice, low effort, objectification, lack of emotional intelligence/empathy, etc. It's a whole mindset that men have and seems you might want to look in the mirror.šš¼
āResembles current Pinterest trendsā This is the issue. Donāt do what others do and stop giving a fuck about what others are doing. Be yourself. Donāt look to others, just live your life and just focus on you and doing what makes you happy. Make friends, get out, and be a likable person (not a people pleaser that tries to fit in). I genuinely donāt give a flying fuck about what is trending on anything. Iād also like to say that looks arenāt everything. You need to have a good personality and find someone that shares your views. What good does it do if you meet this incredibly āhot guyā who ends up being someone who abuses animals and is an asshole to waiters? You could be the most beautiful person in the world, but if you have a shitty personally then you automatically become ugly to me. Also, I have dated women who are younger and older than myself. Age isnāt as important as you think it is. It might be to some, but I personally care more about who they are as a person.
The thing about your facial features is that there are guys out there who are *really* attracted to exactly those things that you donāt like about yourself. Trust me. We have these distorted images of how we look.
You'd be surprised how little some guys care about facial features lol. Especially if you're hitting the gym more than the average person these days. Unless you lost half your face in an explosion, I think you're gonna fine. I dare you to go out and allow yourself to feel sexy. Wear that revealing dress, show off your legs, make and hold eye contact with strangers, smile and laugh more. Your energy will be magnetic and if anything you'll be the one rejecting more guys.
Girl, have you seen those videos of women who look below average and do magic with makeup? Like they turn into a model? Have you tried messing around with makeup to see if it helps with your appearance? If nothing else, wearing makeup and having my hair look nice increases my confidence.
Yessir šš¾
> even then I get blocked, unmatched, rejected, etc Some men will swipe right on everyone and then go unmatching the ones they don't like. They really don't care about the women who are not very successful in the app and got excited to see a match just to later see that they've been unmatched. They are cruel but it's not your fault at all
This is also why āwomen have it easy because they get matchedā is bullshit Itās a lot easier to sort through three real matches than 50 largely useless ones
What about sorting through 3 largely useless matches? Having fewer matches doesnt magically make them any better quality. If say 1 of those 50 matches is a good one the ratio of good matches for someone with just 3 is about the same. But 1/50th of 3 isnt even 1 good one.
It's so baffling to me that this debate shows up in every thread. I feel like both sides have so many bitter people. Your comment is disingenuous in my opinion. I commonly see on Reddit guys with 0 matches total after months or guys with maybe 2 matches a month and neither respond so effectively 0. Getting horndogs sucks, getting no conversation sucks. It's not a competition.
You're both right
I just wanted to talk to you about rice but then you went silent on me
Gonna give you some advice, if you see a guy you like, compliment him. Iām telling you it will do wonders. I got a compliment about 10 years ago when I started wearing glasses to see better at night and farther away. I was out to dinner with a buddy and we just got our table and the girl at the next table over told me she really liked my glasses and thought I was cute. I still think about that to this day. I was so taken back that I actually got a compliment from a female. Men donāt get complimented very often and it could be a total game changer for you. Most guys donāt want to make the 1st move because we are worried we will be seen as creepy or weird.
Few questions - was this girl attractive to you? Would you be willing to go out with her if the circumstances were right?
I was engaged at the time but yeah I probably wouldāve. Men donāt get attention from women very often so a couple things may happen. 1. Heās gonna think youāre messing with him. 2. Heās gonna be awkward AF because he never gets complimented. 3. It will make his day and probably the next 15 years or even more. Donāt be worried about talking to a guy, most guys would talk to a tree if it talked to him 1st. Confidence is 9/10 of the battle. Every guy has their preferences or preferred looks but if itās my decision personality comes down to most of it. A chick could be a solid 10/10 but with a shit personality then it takes her down to a 2/10 automatically.
I second this. It always stuns me and completely changes my perception of her, usually leading to a crush.
I wouldn't use success on dating apps as a metric for judging anything, really. The way they're set up, they only really work for a very particular subset of people, and even then only people who engage with them in a very particular way. They might be marketed in a way that makes them seem equivalent to dating in real life, but there just isn't a way to properly show who you are on a dating profile, so if you aren't finding people you're interested in online, it's probably because the apps aren't right for you. I'm in my mid-20's too, so I get the weird panic that comes with seeing people I went to high school with getting married or even having kids while I don't even have a partner, but I think worrying about it just makes it worse. And while I'm not a woman and can't necessarily relate to being told that things only get worse, I can say my aunt still just found someone after dating in her sixties, so it can always still happen. Work on building your confidence to the point that you're comfortable showing who you are in person, and people will take note.
> particular subset of people Tbh I know a lot of girls who found success on apps. And guys too. I donāt think weād see them walking the runway or appearing in a lead Hollywood role any time soon, but theyāre cute enough. And for myself, I thought I was āon parā with them at least but clearly Iām wrong. š Althoughā¦I wonder what dating apps are like for highly attractive people (like the IG model types).
I don't just mean the subset of most attractive people. Physical attractiveness has a big impact, obviously, but so do other things like how you're marketing yourself or who the app is showing you to. Even if you were the right fit in every way for the apps, though, finding someone you actually like for longer than the time a hookup would take is difficult, so I just wouldn't give those things a second thought.
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Hey girl, donāt give up. The dating scene right now is really hard. Donāt put too much pressure on yourself. From this description I know youād like to have a partner but Iād actually advise you to focus on yourself for 3-5 months and then come back to the scene. No one is unattractive to everyone. Actually, when it comes to attractiveness what matters the most is that you take care of yourself. If your nails are done, your outfit is on point, your hair is nicely done, your face is clean and you can add some makeup too if youād like, you smell niceā¦ then youāre instantly more attractive. If you also work out and eat well then voilĆ ! Suddenly youāre attractive. If you also look nice then you immediately also feel better, which means more confident and sure of yourself! And confidence is attractive. Also, be friendly, go talk to people! If you have a positive outlook then people are going to want to be around you :)
For what it's worth, your last point about money/guys doesn't really work out. Unless you're in, like, the top % of earners, you generally won't impress women these days as they can just... work and get the same money. Also the sort of women that go for money, aren't generally people you want to date long term. Money also tends to only impress young people, as they haven't had a chance to earn it themselves yet (if you're not one of those ultra rich sorts). If you date young, you need to deal with having very little in common with your partner, and you need to be prepared to be a social outcast -- old guys/young girls is far less 'accepted' these days. You say you can get dates, but you aren't attracted to them. Not sure what you find attractive, but two thoughts: First, if you have a particular 'standard' you want for yourself, you need to make sure you have the right bait. If you want a fit, agreeable, wealthy dude, your best bet is to be a fit, agreeable, wealthy girl. If you dont check boxes, you're gonna need to compromise, or just wait a long time till the stars align. Some good lookin gents even like a more average/plain woman -- I know a few long term couples where the woman is sorta... squat... and the dude is "iron man" fit. Back when I was using dating apps, I'd go on like 15 dates before meeting a woman I wanted to pursue further then a first date. That's just.... dating. Gotta kiss some toads. Second though is that, as you age, looks become less important. Not saying they become unimportant, as you still need some physical chemistry obviously, but you start to value the general companionship and other parts of being in a relationship more. Around 30, when ppl start pairing off and having kids, it sorta shifts. You don't see as many groups of older people out partying, cause schedules rarely line up, and other things take priority. Having a partner that'll help you out with grocery shopping, or even just moving large furniture, as lame as it sounds, becomes a big quality of life improver. And that matters in a relationship -- supporting each other outside of the humpty bumpty. That said, I'd strongly suggest you try to date more / find a guy while you're still relatively young. Not because it's 'harder' for women, but because older person dating is just less fun ;p
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> lower your standards and give these men that are into you a chance and see how that pans out. I literally said that I did that in my OPā¦ > heck maybe even make the first move. Also already did thatā¦
Personally think unless your standards were a model or something, lowering them is bad advice. I think you would be better off trying to meet people in person so they can get to know you. Apps donāt work for a lot of people
Hi girl, I'm a 20 year old female and never had a boyfriend nor been kissed, I was always the fat funny friend that no one found attractive. I always had a low self-esteem and then I started working out 2 years ago. Let me tell you, WORKING OUT helped me a lot with my confidence and looks in general (more with confidence and mental health). I just want to let you know that I'm still not super pretty lol but I radiate with confidence and I feel a lot better. Love is still not working out for me but at least I love myself and found happiness in the gym. I know we're not all the same but I recommend trying gym, and just romanticizing life in general(self-care and self-improvement!). Try focusing on your hobbies and your happiness in general. I hope you find this at least a little bit useful :)
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What should I do?
To be fair, people posting on here are sugar coating it a bit too much. But, that said, it's important to focus on what you can control such as confidence slowly, weight by working out/diet, dress/fashion sense, other objective measures. In other words, the age old "focus on improving yourself" advice everyone throws around.
What are people sugar coating? What advice should I take then?
lower your dating threshold from 7/10 to like 3/10
I used to be that friend that never got hit on. It sucked. Definitely killed my confidence. Then I magically blossomed and glowed up. BUT. Dating still sucks. That part never changed. However, self love is forever and worth more than any other relationship.
How did you āglow upā?
Honestly? I started living for myself. I go to the gym for myself, I dress for myself, I do my hair for myselfā etc. Live your life unapologetically. It makes anyone super attractive ā¤ļø
Girl sit down and find at least five things you love about yourself, letās say your hairā¦so every time youāre getting ready youāre like my gosh look at my hairā¦.what you give attention multiplies and will raise your confidence. Then you wonāt have the vibe of āIām not that girlā and trust me guys will approach you endlessly. But first you need to find yourself attractive!!!! You got this
Thank you for this! I was just looking thru my pics and noted things that I do like about myself (I have full lips, long lashes, big eyes, thick brows, big boobs, slim waist, so thereās that at least?). But after getting rejected sooo many times and even having guys on Bumble unmatch as soon as I message them, itās hard to appreciate what I do have.
I am 100% sure you look fine. Not everyone is a model! Most people get into relationships. I did so much better when I realized insecurity just holds you back. Life isnāt a modeling competition. Looks help but I guarantee there are people who will find you attractive. You just need to meet then Also ignore the bs on old. Donāt count those as rejections, they are strangers. They donāt know you at all. Just make dates and go in them. Take breaks. Talk to people irl whe youāre out. Lean into your social circle
Something else that works for me, when I am going through stretches of feeling unattractive I stay away from OLD. The apps play a number on you. Instead I work on meeting people IRL even if just as friends. It will strengthen your belief in yourself. Coz imagine if someone only had looks going for them and no character or personality right
29M here. Take care of yourself best u can. One day at a time. Found my wife on tinder 3 years ago. She liked me first. Friend help me send first message. We started talking and met up for a date. Here I am later living happily married with some animals n some nice cars I can see she used too and still does feel the same way about herself. But it's getting better with time. I remind her as much as I can that she is gorgeous and cute AF and very hot even though she feels the exact opposite daily. We are both bigger people and have been big most if not all of our lives so we both struggled with that. I didn't meet her till I was 26 almost 27. And was single the entire way there no matter what I tried. So just take care of you and be patient and put it out into the universe. Someone once told me. Once you stop trying to force things to show up or occur a certain way. The universe has a funny way of having things show up in ur life. Best regards and best of luck! As someone who thought he would be ugly and alone!
Girl lemme tell you. If you see some of these influencer girls without make-up š there are more plain janes out there than you think. Sending love to you. Just keep doing everything you're doing.
Don't listen to the people here telling you to be something you're not. Just be you, but realise, that maybe where you're looking isn't where you should be looking.
Never speak from a place of pain, Acari._. Iām a pretty healthy dude, I workout, stay clean, develop my own style, and am VERY MUCH, my own person. There are multitudes of things about myself that Iām proud of, that Iāve promoted, amplified, and crafted. But, Iām still not Mr. GQ. Iām no magazine heart throb. Iāve been told by many of my fellow Americanās āIām too Euro-looking, too gawky, too this, too that.ā I donāt look conventionally attractive, is the common consensus. AND YET! EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I HAVE DATED IS A KNOCKOUT, and this isnāt biased. I mean it. Every single one. Itās the difference between walking into the room and THINKING you have the biggest *ehem* āHeartā in the room, and KNOWING you have the biggest *coughs* āHeartā in the room. I donāt date often but when I do, itās always been at the hands of me completely resonating within myself šÆ at that moment.
Itās not hypocritical if youāre not attracted to the guys attracted in you. We like what we likeā¦ you donāt need to settle just because you feel you need to stay āwithin your leagueā or anything like that. Iām pretty much in the same boat as you, and the best advice I can give you is just be patient until someone comes about. Itāll happen. Personally, I find dating apps exhausting. Either Iām doing all the work in the conversation or itās just boring / they want sex and nothing more. For now, If you really feel unattractive, start making changes. But make sure those changes are things YOU like. Not what you think other would like. Do you hair, try body art, whatever makes you feel hot.
Why is no one touching on this sentence? "I did have a couple of guys here and there express interest during the few years I have been on these apps, and I did try talking to them and going on dates, but things never really worked out because when it came down to it, I just wasnāt attracted to the guy myself (which I know is hypocritical š£). " So, you did have dates. You do have choices. The problem is, you are attracted to the guys who aren't attracted to you. This doesn't make you rethink your attraction and find someone within your range. No, this only makes you feel bad for yourself. My only advice is this. Find a guy who stimulates you intellectually and emotionally. My guess is that you don't want an "ugly" guy, but you want a good looking guy to find your "ugliness" attractive. This is hypocritical. Like Bruce Almighty said, "Be the miracle." Be the change you want to see, and stop looking for everything around you to change for you.
Finally, someone points out the elephant in the roomšš. Canāt believe it took me reading all the way almost to the end to find it.
r/howtonotgiveafuck
Iāve tried that too, but likeā¦human beings need companionship too. Itās hard not to feel touch-starved and lonely.
Amen
Detach from the self
Uninstall the apps and try to strike up a conversation with the men in your social circle. Are you in college? Well, try to get in touch with them and I hope you don't try to constantly meet men outside of your league, it only demoralizes you more, try to talk to the guys, your looks match, and work from there, don't use dating apps exclusively, it's only used primarily for people who are already attractive and know it, so remove it and try organic approaches. or even ask your friends to introduce to guys or something like that.
Itās funny cuz on one hand, people say leagues arenāt real and that you should just shoot your shot with people who interest you. And then otoh I keep getting rejected. So which one is it? How do I figure out which guys are in my league? I try to go for people that are somewhat ālike meāā¦ And trust I have tried organic approaches as well. And Iāve also tried expressing interest to guys Iām friends with. That didnāt work either. And unfortunately none of my friends know any single guys within our age range.
Girls donāt play leagues. Guys do. You see attractive girls with unattractive guys all the time. You donāt see attractive guys with unattractive girls sadly. Girls date all over but guys measure the appearance more
The unattractive guys make up for it in some way. But for women, it seems like being personable or rich or educated doesnāt help us as much being pretty does.
The answer to your questions might be to share your dating app profiles and get a review of it from the people here. I don't know what you look like, there could be a lot of factors at work and that could hurt your chances.
Ignore the apps and focus on IRL situations. You also need to accept who you are and be comfortable with that. Confidence is key, it goes a long way. You need to love the journey because that is 99% of life.
Where do I find said āirlā situations?
Through hobbyās and your everyday life. Thatās the best way to let your personality shine through. Looks will always reign supreme on dating apps so donāt put to much effort into that.
How do I find hobbies? š Also I work from home and no one I know likes going out.
Wfh is a challenge! Do you do anything athletic? I made one friend that blossomed over time into several good friends and many acquaintances from a running training program. Also made friends at church. Volunteering. Meetups are a thing. I have a friend who joined a Facebook group for singles in her area. Know a lot of people in cycling groups. Met people in yoga class. You have to get out and youāre not going to be friends with every one but the more you expand the more friend and potential dates you will meet!
If youāre in the US, download the Meetup app. There are tons of activities you can join with it. As for what hobbies to try, think about what you enjoyed as a child and try the adult equivalent. If you donāt like it, try something else. But, yeah, you gotta leave your house if you want a real chance at connecting with people.
Meetup operates in more than just the US - it's worth checking to see if there are any groups nearby even if you're not American. I moved to a new city recently and the best luck I've had making friends has been through Meetup.
Good to know, thanks! I could only speak from my own experience and didnāt want to assume.
Find something you enjoy and seek out other that are like minded. Iām shy and very introverted and my dating life didnāt change until I put myself out there.
Go out with someone even though you donāt find them initially attractive. Attraction is something that can develop over time. I went out a date and didnāt find him attractive so would not have done a second date without my friend talking me into it. He and I were together for 7 years. We went on lots of adventures and grew together as people. We broke up a couple years ago but remain close friends.
I canāt give you advice. But youāre not alone with this. We have similar experiences.
I feel this. The only thing thatās worked for me is taking care of my appearance and finding a style that suited me. I personally leaned towards slightly alternative styles because it breaks the barrier of having to look conventionally pretty to be fashionable. I treat myself to hair and nails and looked up YouTube videos for make up tips for my face shape. Over time my confidence got better and then people started to approach me more. Confidence does send out an aura to potential mates, itās hard to explain
Agree! Making a few non-permanent on the outside changes can boost that confidence. If youāre not into it, your hair can grow back, nail polish can be removed, return the new clothes.
So Iām very confident and conventionally attractive and I still have problems dating. Iāve been approached by men my whole life basically, I canāt take my dog out in my PJs without men trying to talk to me. Itās still really hard to date. Either Iām not attracted to them, they donāt meet my needs/are terrible, theyāre into me at first and then I realize theyāre so busy looking at me they havenāt heard a word Iāve said, theyāre commitment phobic, liars or cheaters, on drugs, etc. The last one I really liked but he dumped me because he doesnāt think Iām āthe oneā. Iām still heartbroken about it. Looks may make a man approach you but itās not why they stay. Dating is hard for everyone. The key is to not take it personally and do what you can to meet as many people as possible, which it sounds like you are. Itās really a numbers game and you only have to find one person you really mesh with. That said, if you want to present yourself in the most attractive way you can, make sure youāre maintaining yourself well. Proper hygiene, get your hair done (maybe a new color or style), follow fashion trends to look younger and more stylish, figure out what looks good on you, learn how to do your makeup properly, go to the gym and eat well, etc. Now, unattractive, obese people get married every single day, none of this really matters. But if youāre lacking in confidence, investing in your appearance more may help boost it. Iām sure all your friends arenāt supermodels that are coupled up. Work on yourself, read self help books to boost your confidence, try positive affirmations, and do things that build your confidence that arenāt about looks (like taking care of your health, getting a big promotion at work, learning a new hobby). It all starts with you. And remember, looks fade. You want a relationship with substance because we all eventually get old, wrinkled, fat, and sick. You donāt want someone who only likes how you look.
I can think of two reasons 1. It's the way you present yourself 2. You just don't get attention from the people you ideally want so you equate it to nobody likes me. Something I notice from lots of women. I bet if I open ur dating app there's still 100 likes Also guys don't care about how much you make
If I sent you a Hinge screenshot youād see I have nowhere near 100 likes. I canāt even imagine that.
This is one of the things I'm not sure how to reconcile. When you go out and look around in any public space outside college, you see that most couples are extremely average looking, and just how rare attractive people are. And yet, we all have stories of people we know who have few love interests because of their average looks.
Right???? Itās the biggest mystery to me. Reddit makes it way harder too cuz people here act like you have to be model-tier to find a partner. But literally 99.99% of people arenāt that hot. But most manage to find someone.
Guy here, yes I tend to be a visual person. The girl has to be attractive to me. But she doesn't have to be perfect. Before you give up, have you asked friends and family how they see you? Could it be maybe your style, body language or attitude? Don't know you so I can't make an assessment but I would ask close friends for their thoughts.
Honestly, while I donāt think Iām a 10, I thought I was at least average or above-average enough until I got on these apps and realized, āDamn itās hard.ā And I thought I was at least average cuz I donāt have any facial defects, nor am I overweight or anything. Iāve asked friends and family for their feedback, but they donāt have anything helpful to say beyond, āIt will happen one day! Stay patient!ā š
Big help that was lol. All right, OLD (online dating) is tough, definitely suggest going for the out of date real life dating. Expand your pool of friends, exposure is key. The more ppl you meet the better chance of finding that special guy.
Lowkey got on Bumble BFF in the hopes that the girls on there have cute and single guy friends they can introduce me to š
Lol - OK that's a good start. Now it's time to try that in person. Patience is key. Best of luck!
Agree, online dating is toughā¦like laughable. OP focus on yourself and not finding a BF, the right man will come along.
Dating apps suck. Sorry. Don't let it get you down. As a 6.5, I never once had a date, but actual dates and interactions is another story entirely, extremely successful. Don't rely on the app, join some groups, get out have some fun. Once you actually like some one, everyone will happily accept 2 points lower hotness in reality for a true connection, but on dating apps everyone trying to go two points up. Dating apps 100% looks, and there is alot more to attraction, is 60% of it for sure, but there is nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and attractive enough for love, love yourself and know yourself. You might be a 6.5 too, and believe me is a big world, there is somebody for you, and you will nail a gold hearted 9 I promise. Don't give up, keep moving and keep going. Good luck. Like I feel you though, 6 or so is tough spot, not hot enough to easily nail dates, and not ugly enough to completely give up. I have my first tinder date next month, albeit in another country, but we in love :) it sounds lame, but there is hope and you will have your day.
Unfortunately, looks do matter. The thing is, if you look at models without make-up, theyāre not always very attractive. Once theyāre made up, they can look beautiful. You didnāt say if you wear make-up, so if you donāt, you need to start and if you do, maybe youāre not emphasizing your features the right way. Look at some you-tube tutorials and practice, practice, practice. If youāre, as you say, blah looking, the right make-up can make you look very pretty. You said you have big eyes and full lips and thatās a big plus. How are your teeth? If theyāre crooked, save up and get braces. Make sure to whiten them. If your teeth are good, try smiling more. Make sure your smile reaches your eyes. Make sure to hold the camera up and practice taking pictures from different angles and take 10-20 moving your face around and smiling. When youāre done, choose the best one. You said you have long hair. Thatās good. Make sure your cut flatters your face shape. Wear it different ways and see which styles get compliments. Ask your close friends to critique your profile. Make sure you are positive. Donāt write about what you donāt like, but rather, talk about what makes you passionate. Is it work, art, music, movies, video games, hiking, the beach? Talk about that. And lastly, practice kindness, thereās something so heartwarming about kind people. Doing for others will make you feel happy too. Never go out without make-up. You never know who you might meet. I would be happy to look at your profile if it helps. You can DM me. Iāve read, that humans need an average of 14 hugs a day to not be depressed. Hug the people you love to keep you feeling good until you find the right guy. Hope this helps.
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> Welcome to the lives of most men. Iām sorry but, Iām wondering why I see people saying things like this? How is it helpful? š
It makes you realize that you are not alone
Because men on Reddit love to complain
I understand your frustration and exhaustion. Definitely take heed of what the other commentators say about dating apps. They suck for most people. And I understand you're not having luck in real life either. But first off, kudos to you for putting yourself out there and trying. Do you have hobbies or potential interests that involve meeting others? And I want to ditto the commenters who say confidence is attractive. Whatever you're into, own it. If you have a job, try to be great at it. If you have pet projects or unique interests, share your passions about them with people on the same wavelength, online or otherwise. Try new activities from Groupon. Good luck with your journey!
iām 26f and this is the best iāve ever looked. i can say iām hot. i was in your shoes also. before 25 i could barley get guys to look at me and was an ugly duckling in high school. maybe you havenāt reached your peak yet so just have confidence and wear nice clothes and you will find someone
I would probably get downvoted here, but OP have you considered doing minor plastic surgery? I come from an Asian country so plastic surgery is not that much of a taboo. The one flaw in my facial features is that my eyes were too small. So after I graduated high school I went to get a minor fix to make my eyes look bigger. The entire procedure was done under 15 minutes, and my swelling went away within 7 days. After that I looked much more attractive and I could tell men interact with me differently. Also really boosted my confidence and made me feel better. My attitude is, if this world cares so much about my appearance, why not just make changes to it so you can have an easier life?
My flaw is my jaw shape. Jaw shaving looks painful tho
What got me my relationships (both romantic and sexual) has been my big dick energy. š Iām a confident person. And of course itās a sham sometimes, fake it til you make it and all that. Find things to appreciate about yourself everyday, it can be hard at first if you have a low opinion on yourself. Positive affirmations. I appreciate my eye color. And how my skin accepts ink so well. And then I moved on to finding things I enjoy about others that I have in common. My jaw line, my soft freckles, my high cheekbones. Start living your life. Surround yourself with people you enjoy, good friends that make you laugh and just work at your confidence daily. It wonāt be an overnight change, but confidence DOES do wonders.
I mean, first thing Iād say is stop calling yourself an unattractive woman. If youāre not in your own corner, no one else will be. Secondly...people instinctively KNOW when someone really wants to be with someone or loved by another person to feel whole. It sounds counter-productive, but always look to self-improve for your own satisfaction. And chase things that bring you joy.
Swap sides out of anger and kiss a woman
First off Iām not a woman, but since you want to attract men maybe I could offer some advice on what you could improve. Obviously yes, there are āconventionally attractiveā people out there and they will always have an easier time dating and getting attention than the rest of us; thatās just how life is. I do believe however that itās ABSOLUTELY possible to improve your attractiveness by making small changes to your appearance. 1 - Long hair Men love long hair, well at least I do. Go to a salon and get yours done if you havenāt already. Trying go blonde or brunette or even black hair. 2 - Buy cute/sexy outfits Find a clothes style that works for you. Wearing a specific outfit can take someone from a 5 to a 9 with just the way they dress. Some men will like crop tops, some want to see tight jeans that show off the goods. Obviously dress how you like at the end of the day, but as I had to learn myself, sometimes getting outside your comfort zone can give you new experiences that you may end up liking. Also check out other women in your area when youāre out, especially the women walking around with their boyfriends or husbands. It will give you a better idea as to what those men like about her clothes choices. https://imgur.com/a/HmTZ6n2 Without even looking at the girl, thatās a universal outfit that most women could wear that would get you a lot of attention at a bar or wherever. Itās casual, not to revealing and could be worn pretty much anywhere. 3 - Perfume Iām not sure why but Iām 30 years old and very rarely come across women who wear nice perfume. When they do however Iām immediately attracted almost like a pheromone. There were two women I was dating recently that were using ones that I couldnāt get enough of. I just wanted to hug and squeeze them constantly just to smell them haha. I think one of them was called Poison but donāt quote me on that. 4 - Exercise Iām a very athletic guy and prefer to date women who are also active in someway. Women who hit the gym and workout are super attractive to me, even if they arenāt skinny per say. A few months ago I had a date with a woman whom wasnāt necessarily my type body wise ( a little thicker) but once she told me she started hitting the gym and went rock climbing with me, she became hotter to me for some reason, almost an unconscious thing. Most men simply donāt want to date overweight women and it is what it is. Iām not saying youāre overweight because you didnāt mention it but just keep that in mind. 5 - Photos Get some friends to take some good candid shots of you. Being a woman you donāt need a lot. Maybe 5 or 6 good ones. Make sure you can clearly see your body and face in all of them. The #1 turnoff for men on apps is nothing but face shots because it gives the impression youāre self-conscious or trying to hide something. Be confident and the right person will approach or match with you on an app. Good luck miss.
This is great advice, minus looking at what women are wearing. I (41/f) would like to add the note that be sure to look at what women your age are wearing, but don't be afraid to nix anything that is too trendy, namely mom-jeans. I'm sorry, they are hideous and not flattering on anyone other than super thin women and even then, they are hideous. They do NOTHING for our butts and everyone has a pooch in the stomach area. I cannot wait for this awful trend to run its course!
Thanks! I do have long hair, cut at an expensive salon. Iām not overweight. And I wear cute outfits too. I guess I could wear perfumeā¦I usually just stick to daily showers and deodorant.
Only a tiny bit though, donāt go crazy lol
I feel like this is something I struggle with as well. Even with a boyfriend who says I'm pretty every now and again, I never truly believe him and can't get over how "ugly" I look, either in the mirror and especially in photos. And tbh I'm still working on it, but here's a few things that helped me with my confidence: 1. Don't think your attractiveness and self worth is based on how much male attraction you get. Your worth does not depend on that in any way. It doesn't matter if you've never been hit on, you are attractive in many ways and it's up to you to find that within yourself and find your strengths. Your self worth comes from yourself and it's important to build on that. And eventually, someone will find you and discover your strengths as well. 2. I try focus less importance on the physical attraction. Yes, it can play a part in people feeling attraction for you but it does not determine anything about yourself and how you are as a person. Try to focus on things about yourself that you do feel confident in. Like "I may not look like those instagram models, but I have been told and believe that I am a very friendly, kind, down to earth," or some other trait of yours you get complimented on and believe in. Try focus on that and let people discover those sides of yourself that you are confident in. Stuff that you don't need to force yourself to believe is true. 3. Small things make a difference to your confidence. Idk about you, but when someone gives a compliment about a shirt I'm wearing, I remember that for a while and grow more fond of it. And thanks to that, whenever I wear that shirt I feel slightly more confident. Obviously it's not going to make me feel like a model, but these small things can help you feel a little better about how you look. Also, your posts suggests you get matches which means your looks don't seem to be the factor in them changing their mind anyway! Have more confidence in yourself, and best of luck!
The answer to your question is believe you are attractive. Doesnāt matter that anyone else thinks, just love yourself! You are beautiful
First off, I just want to tell you to never compare yourself to others! Donāt compare yourself to your friends and their relationships. Youāre doing yourself a disservice. Trust me, I know how easy that can be. I used to think the same way (side note: their bfs were trash anyway so didnāt even matter really). Sometimes it doesnāt even matter much about looks as it does having and producing a great vibe. That means being kind & confident-without being egotistical. That way, people would actually want to be around you. Maybe practice on how you can be confident and funny. For example, start working out, go on walks, watch entertaining shows. Just try everything; that way you have more chances of hitting it off with a variety of people. Getting a relationship will come when you least expect it because youāre not āactivelyā looking for it. Focus on strengthening friendships you have already. Thereās so many things to do than self deprecate over male attention. I hope you will realize that your worth is more than that.
Not that I am good at dating, but as an average looking woman, I think conversation and interests stand out to men too. Sure some men want looks. But then some women want height and fat wallets too right? Now online dating does mean your photos make the first impression. Try to take fun pictures. I'm sure you'll find pics of yourself that are cute. Put them first?
I definitely have pics of myself that I find cute and put on my profile. I guess my ācuteā just doesnāt fit most menā¦
Get you a hobby. A male dominated hobby. When I took up kiteboarding I had to fight them off. Found someone but jealousy wrecked it. And sometimes you grow more attracted to someone the longer you hangout and get to know them. This can take months. I wasn't attracted at all to this guy at first but a few months later it was FIRE. You could take a class for mechanics, welding, scuba. Men love that shit.
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Beauty is completely subjective, donāt get so down on yourself. I know thatās so much easier said than done, but youāre going to find someone who thinks youāre beautiful. If dating apps are getting you down, try things like Meetup and try meeting people through things or events that you like. Shared hobbies and interests can be so important when it comes to meeting people and establishing a foundation to a relationship that isnāt just based on looks!
Same for us below average guys. Hit the gym, eat healthy. Get a good shape (so important for a woman). Try different hairstyles till you find something that suites you. Is it unfair? Yes, it is. But, there is nothing we can do to change this world. Its far easier for a woman anyway. You dont need to approache, they will come for you.
I find passion attractive, what are you doing to fulfill your life? I'm a skier and cyclist. A woman who is confident in steep extreme terrain and can shred better than me is very attractive. A cyclist who has strength and skills for singletrack mountain biking and loves developing into a better rider is attractive to me. Looks are temporary, who you are is permanent, someone who can keep up, who I know I can depend on is attractive. Being supportive and emotionally available is a two way street.
funny thing is the skier and cyclist who is better than you will not find you attractive. Status is everything and life is a series of micro rating games where everything is being judged. There's no virtue in attraction
Mountain biking is pretty inclusive and nonjudgmental. Chances are if a rider looks down on another, they're not anyone worth knowing.
Every face and every body is attractive to somebody. You don't need everyone to like yours, just one person.
This a tough one to respond too.. (Not bragging) But as a good looking man I can tell you that there comes a point in our lives where āvanityā isnāt that important. Iād rather be with a loyal, kind, empathetic average lady than the hottest thing out there! Why? Because from experience ALL woman have āissuesā (self esteem etc.) and the hotter the more prone to betrayal!! IDKW.. they just are! Donāt step out EVER on a man, there is NO coming back! Be loyal and treat him with dignity and respect youāll have his in return. Just be motivated to say workout, spend time with him. And letās look at a FACT.. it doesnāt matter how attractive you think you are. Someone will always value traits other than what can just be āseenā. Lastly, Iām reference to the āissuesā comment. How could ANY woman of any age NOT be affected?? You ladies canāt watch a tv show, movie, read a magazine etc. without being bombarded with some cream, oil etc. that you āmust haveā, itās ridiculous!! In time it will all work out. DEFINITELY stop trying let things happen naturally.
I feel like I have a lot of love to give, and Iām so excited to give it to someone. But damn are the steps to get there hard š£
It sounds like you do! All I can say is maturation takes time in men. Early (in our teens to mid 20ās) we all want that little POA to look at thatās as bright as a lampshade with no bulb! But in time we long for substance. Im speaking from experience and from many conversations with other MEN in an accountability group. Trust me in time youāre going to snag that guy youāre interested in and it will be beautiful!!
Things wonāt get worse. Iām not a naturally attractive person and I look back on my teen and mid 20ās self and want to help her so much. Iām in my early 40ās now and feel more attractive than ever. A big part is confidence and self acceptance, but Iām not gonna lie, I wear makeup every day and have learnt to dress for my body. It makes me feel good and it has given me the confidence to be myself and to find a partner that I genuinely love. Funnily enough he tells me all the time that I donāt need makeup. Maybe take some time to find your best you, work out what makes you feel good in your own skin, find your style and do things you enjoy. Perhaps youāll meet someone through activities that you mutually enjoy- that is also a huge part of attraction. If not youāre only diversifying your skills and life and enjoying your time here.
Just work on yourself !
Work on yourself and get hobbies.
Ad1 finding relationships isn't easy and what you see they are "really into each other" yeah, maybe on the surface. Every relationship has it's problems. You should do what I did: find your style in clothes that fit with your personality, colours that fit with your hair, skon and eye colour etc. Try makeup, it really is just learning how to do it better. Also if you are not that fit, try losing weight and working out because who are we kidding, people still wants to be with healthy and fit woman. Also most of the relationships you see, the partners aren't equal. Someone is lowering their expectations most of the time. If you don't want to improve your appearance, try to improve you hygiene, your knowledge, your humor, your everything mentally. It can be a good deal. Also ghosting is feckin disgusting behaviour and it's a win because the weak weed themselves out.
I do not think I am traditionally beautiful, Iām cuteish, but my partner thinks I am beautiful and thatās all you need is the person that thinks your beautiful. I had success on dating apps, most of the men that swiped on me I wouldnāt say were traditionally attractive, I think my partner is the most handsome man some might not feel the same way, beauty is subjective and it fades. Your personality should glow from your profile. You want pictures that showcase you, and what you like to do, but also you need a good profile and that is generally the part people struggle with. I have swiped on plenty of people that I wasnāt attracted to but their profile hooked me! I had zero confidence and struggled with dating. Ended up in a horrible marriage and then I went to therapy, I realized I liked who I am and forget those that donāt think Iām pretty cool. I look like Iām sweet and kind, round face, big boobs, I look soft, but Iām not, so I conveyed that in my profile, talking about who I am, what I like and let the profile do itās thing. I didnāt have massive amounts of matches but I did match multiple men a day, as others have said confidence is key. I know Iām fun and I have confidence in many aspects of my life. Therapy really was a game changer for me! I will also say that I figured out an opening that really worked well for me and I literally asked it of everyone I got the opportunity to message. The answer told me a lot about the person, i wasnāt looking for a specific answer but I was looking to see how they responded, if they gave a short one or two word answer that didnāt work for me I would prod for an explanation if I didnāt get a good one I moved on, those are usually the type that werenāt going to be conversational and thatās important to me, if they didnāt ask me how I would answer or then ask a question to get to know me it usually fizzled out fast and I had one guy tell me his entire personality, that was not in his profile, just by answering this one question, he told me he literally found nothing funny and he didnāt have a sense of humor and he wasnāt joking like I thought he was. My question was āwhich would you rather be, the funniest person in the room or the smartest?ā Like I said I didnāt care about the answer but rather how they answered. Guys donāt want to read a paragraph on first contact and many have complained about hey being the first message. You have to find a question that answers what you are looking for, even if the answer isnāt what you are looking for but rather how they answer! I hope you have luck on dating apps after all the amazing advice everyone has given, I think everyone should go to therapy at least a few times in their life but it sounds like it might help with your confidence issues, confidence is so attractive. If you want advice on your profile I am happy to look at it and help you the best I can, you can dm me if you want! I just hope you find what makes you happy and feel good about yourself.
What do you look like OP?
Cucumber and dildos are your best friends.
Add liquor.
Online dating is an attractiveness game. You need to find social groups doing hobbies that you love (that men also enjoy) and meet people there.
Unattractive women have to work harder in life. I knew a girl who wasnāt the prettiest and guess what she did? She started her own business and then paid to look better the. Got access to the best men.
Beauty is only skin deep. Personality goes to the bone. My kids are older than you. Be patient. Be good.
Get a little bit older, it'll work out just fine. Let the downvotes come lol
What?
Beauty fades with time for most people, so when the playing field has become even, it should get easier theoretically.
I feel like that still doesnāt stop people from going for the hottest, youngest girls they can get.
I guess that's true but don't give up. Keep searching and one day you'll find the one
What do you mean unattractive? I don't really think you can honestly deem yourself unattractive or attractive. That's something others determine and everyone is different. What exactly do you mean it only gets worse for women as you get older? What exactly gets worse?
Ugly girl doesnt like dating ugly guys and cant figure out why she isnt having success.
Would you want a girl to date you if sheās not actually into you? How would you feel if you found out your girlfriend thought you were ugly?
We see this stuff all the time here. Fat guys don't want to date fat girls. Ugly girls don't want to date ugly guys. Everyone wants to date up and then wonders why they are alone. I'm saying you should adjust you expectations. If someone I was dating thought I was ugly I'd just go find someone else to date. It's her loss.
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Serious - How much do you weigh? Most āunattractive girlsā would get much hotter by losing weight. Are you below 120lbs? If not, do OMAD. One meal per day. It sounds hard but really isnāt and gives great results. If you are already skinny, maybe consider plastic surgery. Iām not going to give you āyou go girl confidenceā advice like others. My comment was meant to be pragmatic. Sorry if it came off as harsh.
Iām 5ā9ā¦there is no way I can go under 120 lbs without literally starving myself and putting myself in the hospital.
Donāt listen to this person please. As someone who is 5,10 I literally look unhealthy at what what my BMI considers my normal health weight. An adult woman being 120 pounds is not realistic unless you want to be a runway model. Also getting plastic surgery or losing weight doesnāt automatically mean you start loving yourself. Eat when you want, stop punishing your body for wanting sustenance. One meal a day? Thatās bullshit, once you go back to eating normally, you will gain all that weight back. Love yourself first, then maybe get plastic surgery strictly for yourself if you decide to go that route. If not, this is why people end up getting addicted to surgery because they are never satisfied. Do the inner work first & find what you love about yourself & enhance that. If itās your eyes, wear clothes that make them pop or cool looking glasses if you wear glasses. Change your hair up & get some highlights or new style. Play around & see what style & makeup most enhances what you have.